#kind of laughing 2 myself bc every time this happens its like im realizing it for the first tjme all over again

[lemongogo]

[nicegaai]

Ch 8: 

I get so nervous every time I start — did I ever tell y’all I got a killer migraine after I started this reread and it lasted like 4 days? there’s no need for that level of stress but here I am all tensed up again. whateverrrrrr. exposure therapy. 

(Paragraph like 3) YUUUUP I already want to go in and tweak the dialogue. this is not quite it. Im itchy im itching to do it but I won’t yet. editing is a trap that will stop me from moving forward…

WHAT. Holy fucking jjjjhjjjhh you would not believe the sitcom level of reaction I just had to realizing I left in actual genuine Editors Notes. This is my worst offense by far this is the worst thing thats ever happened to me in my whole life (lie) I can’t go on  … Im gonna take a break

(2 and a half months later)

Hiiiiiii…where did I leave off… jk im starting over

Chapter 8 the final published chapter huhhh! I don’t remember what kind of cliffhanger I left u guys on but im looking forward to finding out

Wowow I like the beginning dialogue again!!! this is cute and I love them I love dennor when im doing it the way I like them!!!!!!!!!! Thank god im back on my meds ive been so neurotic over little things for like years and for what… I luv my story, I don’t need 2 be afraid…

Llmaoooooo im genuinely enjoying this reread how is that possible!!! This is fun im having fun!

Wtffff Im feeling like a genius for coming up with this and not like I need to kms for once. Brand new emotions for me. Chat did you know life can be beautiful?

LSKDAJKLSLDK I FOUND AN AUTHORS NOTE IS THIS WHAT I WAS TALKING ABOUT 2.5 MONTHS AGO? That I almost cried over? I laughed at my own bad joke but it is NOT that serious … I do want to take it out later. but girllll

I wonder if stabilizing emotionally will ruin the quality of my writing x_x oh well!

I DON THAVE A LOT OF COMMENTARY THIS CHAPTER BCZ I DONT REMEMBER WRITING MOST OF THIS TBH AND IM GETTING SUCKED IN  BY THE PLOT WTF WTF. Again this is a new experience for me ive been so miserable rereading this up til now

Went “NOOOOOOOOOO” out loud when I realized I established a specific timeline. Its already June 15th???????? Fuck me man I was gonna space this out more than that . it was supposed to be like June 3rd at best, in my head …

Changed my mind—The quality of writing is guaranteed to go up if im not dry heaving at the thought of rereading my own drafts. It’s going to be FINE !!!!!!!! Its going to get better!! I may even be able to respond to all the nice comments soon … Ive been scared of ao3 comments I can’t explain why I don’t know myself

UGH THE WRITING IS GETTING CHOPPYYY this could have been avoided surely but it is too late now. I can sense I struggled with beginning the scene and wrote very Point A To Point B just to skip around to the parts I wanted to write. I mean it functions.. but not well.  Ick

Okay... more author’s notes. I messed up stylistically when I decided to leave in so many parentheses bc then I lost the authors notes in the mix. Nasty. Ech. Im annoyed

OH. THAT REALLY WAS A CLIFHFANGER HUH. NO WONDER PPL KEEP ASKING IF IM COMING BACK. OH H H H. IM SO SORRY I SHOULD BE JAILED FOR THIS X_______X

I HAVE THE NEXT SEVERAL CHAPTERS PLOTTED OUT MORE OR LESS AND THE REST OF THE STORY'S EVENTS ARE ON PAPER I PROMIS E I AM TRYING I WILL NEVER GIVE UP

kind of insane ive left u guys off on that for like 6 months. bc ive been obsessed with the events of the next few chapters just like turning them over in my head,.. . and no one has even seen them yet. this needs to be fixed

im attempting my fic reread today. im announcing this bc i will be liveblogging to keep my morale up, NOT THAT anyone cares but i personally need this, like ill only commit to do the thing if theres an imaginary audience holding me accountable. & i like to have fun :3

anyway. captains log, its a beautiful sunny july weekend. i just finished my morning coffee, and, i am dreading this so much. i dont like rereading my own writing but i shall get over it. ok here we go.

Þetta Reddast vagueblogged directors commentary edition

Ch 1:

*opens fic and starts convulsing immediately* god i wish i smoked weed rn. i cannot chill out ever for the life of me

My Mission For Today Is: to remember what plot threads I’ve left hanging so I can resolve this story properly. And also try n remember where the flow is going. I have the end plotted out, I just am a little lost … it’s been a while :-(

------------

Abrupt beginning!!!! I’m not mad because I have . I HAD. Almost no writing experience when I started this. it isn’t ideal but I refuse to be one of those fanfic writers that starts rewriting early chapters without finishing the last ones. Ive never seen one of those types actually finish a longfic. …I’d already rather yap than actually read LMAO AHH

Oh this is worse than I remember. thats cool that s great ok alright *coughs up blood*

"20 somethings" WOW I really did not know where I was going with this when I started huh

LKJSDLKSJDLGKGDJSLDGJK ??? Who authorized this. Who let me cook. What the hell

I could write this better now. I could edit this into something beautiful. <- devil on my shoulder

FORGOT I WAS MAKING RICE BRB

"generously offered nothing to the exchange." wait STOPPPP. I’m so funny

GRAMMAR ERROR DETECTED why is there two periods. I’ll be coming back to fix that …………………. :-(((

Fuck. This is a lot. Marge Simpson Hiding Her Face dot Png

Oh this is stupid this is gayyy this is fukcinnn . Who fucking did t his. What was wrong with me,. This is so good actually. what was i ONNNN. 

Im gonna throw up and I don’t know if thats like/. A complimentary thing or if im just cringing that hard . Im feeling emotions. I love my OTPs..OT3~5? I love them so so much

Ok as much as im like “eww bad writing” this is .. dare I say, rly good in places. Not to suck my own dick but maybe all hope isnt lost and imposter syndrome is an illusion

Grammar mistake #2. Goddddddd. they should ban me from the archive for this

EMILLLLL EMIL EMIL EMIL HIIIIII BABYYYY EMILLL I LOVE UUUU AWWHUUGHH everyone clap for my bewoved baby bruvver right FUCKING now

Urghhh gritting my teeth… Im fully expecting the flow of events to start not making any gd sense. There’s no way this came together the way I hoped in my head and .... For real I was never able to read this all the way thru. this is my first time, lol. and it was all disjointed on the authorial end to say the least. Im scared T-T

Jlxjvklsdkjfsjlkdkjlsjklkljzsdkjlgaskljdgjklasljkgdljkasljkdgjklasjlkdgljkaskljdgjakl?????????? 

Im not liking the ratio of dialogue to whatever the other stuff is. scene-setting I guess. prose maybe. i could have dragged this out way longer... By which I mean made it a more satisfying read. But WHATEVER !!!! 

TIMO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TIMOOOOOOOOOO NUMERO UNOOOO DO MUNDOOOOOO I really need to utilize him more. As soon as I finish this fic I need to write a Timo POV spinoff where he gets cancelled on furry twitter for proshipping in real life

Hmmmm chapter ending didn’t hit as hard in practice as it did in drafts. Oh well. God damn that was a lot to happen in one chapter LMAOO???

OH SHIT MY RICE IS STILL COOKING —— 

[madisonrooney]

jersey boys weekend was....insane. which like obvs i expected but it was far more insane than i couldve predicted in the best possible way. more under the cut.

i think imma just let out a stream of consciousness that ill keep chronological as best i can

- its always hard to say if ill cry or not cuz sometimes i do sometimes i dont even with really really special things. admittedly, i was even more vulnernable bc when we got in friday night, there was an issue with our tix. they were supposed to be in the pit but the pit had been removed bc of covid. they had called me last june about changing my pit tix for saturday matinee but never addressed friday even tho they knew i had tix for multiple shows. given that was last june, naturally i forgot about it, so i never reached out to them or anything. so they just had to....find other seats for us. i was really confused and not sure if we were gonna get moved or something. admittedly tho, that still counts as “emotions being impacted by jersey boys” so. hey. but i was definitely also vulnerable out of excitement, i was feeling that all day.

anyway. yah. i fucking sobbed when ces soirees la started, even into silhouettes. like not just tears streaming down my face but like vocal, guttural sobbing. which admittedly isnt that appropriate in a theater, thats more of a concert thing, but i couldnt control myself. regardless it was euphoric. you have no idea how many times i have envisioned that moment in my head for the last TWO YEARS. it may have been slightly disrupted and i was a bit distracted, but i was definitely still able to be present in the moment to some extent.

- every. last. second. not only was just so perfectly written, paced, and acted, but felt so connected to who i am and what i love. not to say i didnt already know i felt that way about the show, but it had been so long. nearly twice as long as the longest id gone without seeing the show before (since i fell in love with it that is). not to mention weve all changed a lot over the last 2 years and im sure most can say they hold the things they love to an even higher value now, especially if those were things they couldn’t experience during quarantine.

- there was new dialogue between frankie and mary?? about knowing each other in high school?? not sure when that was added or why but my mom and i looked at each other like ???? that HAS to be really new cuz i listen to the jersey boys podcast and they havent mentioned it, and i feel like they would if they knew about it

- frankie valli is a short king. dont know how ive never said this before.

- gyp had a really good my mothers eyes cry and i grade gyps on that lol

- im starting to realize that i go ape is kind of a bop. is that bad.

- my dad came to saturday matinee. he hadnt seen the show before, id shown him the movie twice but he couldnt get that into it. but i think it finally clicked. i didnt get my hopes too high, i was sure enough he wouldnt hate it but if he just liked it ok that wouldve been enough. but he kept saying it was “awesome.” i heard him laughing at a number of jokes and i know he loved the music. he had to leave right after so i havent gotten much time to hear all of his thoughts but im def gonna call him soon to hear more.

- OKAY so after saturday matinee, we went to the stage door cuz i wanted pics with the tour buses. turned out, they were just all white but THE CAST WAS THERE. i didnt really know what to do since i know some places discourage stage dooring given the pandemic so i was just like as considerate as i could be but they were super chill, and i got pics with a ton of them + autographs??? normally i rehearse what ill say to actors in my head first and i did a bit leading up to this weekend, but i was pretty sure it wasnt even gonna happen, and in this case, i got no advance notice, i just had to jump right into it. they were just...THERE. so its safe to say i was a bit rambly and probably not saying exactly what i intended too but i also beat myself up too much in those situations a lot. they were all SO nice. i was so so so so happy and excited cuz i mean stage dooring is always exciting and more so for this show but the fact that it happened WHEN I WASNT EVEN EXPECTING IT TO. i was coming unglued looking forward to the show alone and then i got THIS on top of it. i wouldve been over the moon meeting just ONE cast member but i met a TON????

worth noting, one of the people i met was katie goffman who was doves cher understudy in clueless the musical!! i had been excited when she was announced for the touring cast back in late 2019 i think? so im so glad she was still in the cast and that i got to meet her.

i also got to meet kevin patrick martin again who id seen on tour and seen and met at 54 below both in 2018. i remembered him being super nice and he was super nice this time around too. more on him later.

also met the actors who played tommy, joey, crewe, and gyp

- my best friend @wander--meets--world came saturday night, also not having seen the show, just the movie. again, if she just liked it ok, that wouldve been more than enough, i couldnt really say for sure if itd be her thing or not. but she really liked it!! and had so many thoughts to share that we got to talk about at intermission and afterwards!!! over the years, ive had so few people to talk about this show with. i usually just rely on my mom who is great but i cant yknow meme with her fdhgjlkjd. jessica’s familiar with p much all my other main fandoms so we can discuss them, but we hadnt been able to discuss this, which is majorly high on the list. so the fact that we can now makes me sososososo happy.

it was also the first time wed seen each other in person in 2 years?? weve never gone anywhere near that long without seeing each other in the 15 years weve known each other?? and what better thing for us to have been doing than this. we also listened to plastic hearts, went to our fav italian place downtown, went to the 24 hour baskin robbins after the show, and watched cr1tikal in her car. ideal saturday night.

- after that saturday night show, we met a few more cast members, most notably jon hacker who was frankie, who id seen in newsies 7 years ago at the same venue, + as joey at new world stages in 2018, at 54 below a few months later, and then as frankie at new world stages the day after that. met him all those times except when he was joey. i had been so excited that he was a part of the touring cast and im so glad i got to meet him, and we talked for a while! he had such thoughtful responses to everything i had to say. and his poor voice was so gone, he left it all on the floor. (luckily he had a day off today which he deserved lol)

that night, i also met the guy who played nick (who today i realized played gerry when i saw beautiful three years ago and i met him then too lol???) and 2 of the girls who were also super sweet. plus i saw some of the same people from the afternoon again.

- then we had our final matinee this afternoon. we had a different frankie which was very exciting. ofc i love jon but i also love getting to see understudies, especially when youre seeing the show that many times in a row lol. katie was also on and she told me later it was her first time on this year, and i also found out it was her and her husband’s (who plays tommy) first time in the show together!

met that frankie at the stage door plus eric (bob) who id really hoped to meet (he was the only season i hadnt met yet, last piece of the puzzle!) and antonio (barry belson). antonio omgomgomg he was so good in the show so i was so excited to meet him and he gave me a hug??? and i told him like specific inflections of his i liked in the show and he was so touched and impressed that i noticed that??

over the course of making stories and posts on insta, multiple cast members have watched my story, responded to my story, liked my post, commented on my post, and now devon and kevin FOLLOW ME???? HELLO????

im truly just over the moon. again, i knew this weekend would be amazing but SO much more came out of it than i was expecting. like i said, seeing the show was more than enough. even if i only saw it once it wouldve been. but getting to be a crazy superfan and see it so many times was so...validating?? and it was fun to pay attention to more minor details. but then on top of that, the experiences with the cast were remarkable.

it was a little adventure. it felt kind of like the clueless trip (tho i think thatll always take the cake, both for the pure chaos of it all and the unique experience). still, it had the same vibe which felt so good, especially having not felt something like that in so long.

i waited three years for this. eagerly anticipating it to no end and having to deal with it being postponed twice. but it gave me everything i couldve wanted and then some.

rounds 13-16 complete.

[ao3-sucks]

my own ao3 experience was that i got into it when i was in a huge fandom that had a bunch of underage and incestuous pairings and fics. i really started getting into it when i was like fresh into middle school and not soon after that id start reading a bunch of explicit fics. basically pretty sure reading that stuff is what made me feel anxious around my 2 older siblings and like if i showed any kind of affection like even a hug or just laughing at a joke sometimes itd be seen as a sign of attraction. im in my 20s now and it still really affects me. i feel like less valid with my online trauma somehow bc i did it to myself lol.

  Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

I got manipulated by an adult into writing an extremely triggering fic about rape and abuse between two young siblings, and ended up having to draw on my own traumatic experiences for it. I pretended to be okay with it, and let them say it was my fault it was like that, and when I finally got tired of hiding it and publicly called them out on it, multiple people defended them, using that pretense against me. I still haven't fully recovered from that. Sometimes I wonder if it really was my fault. 

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

thank you SO MUCH for this blog, I was groomed into thinking the wildest of things were acceptable by fandom people, and it wasnt until i was about 15 or 16 that i finally wised up and dropped the thinking once and for all. thank you again and have a really good week!

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

I don’t really know how old the post that talked about the experience of one of the mods with ao3 is, but just in case, this is about that post that had mentions of r//pe and @“cest. And damn, I’ve never stopped to think that my aversion to sex maybe came from my early exposure to that kind of stuff, now I know that I’m asexual, but it’s comforting to see that I’m not alone in this, so thank you for sharing your story

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

god this is probably stupid and you dont have to post this if you don't want to, but thank you so much for making this page. ive had similar experiences in online fandom and ive really struggled with classifying any of it as "real" since it was all online. that post talking about your experience with everything was really eye opening for me. thank you for reminding me im not alone.

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

wrt your ao3 essay // thank you for sharing your story about ao3. ive had some similar experiences, but i never interacted with anyone on ao3, just read ff. in around a 1-2 years of consuming that content, i had developed some psychosis relating to sexual trauma, but i never had anything happen to me so i didnt really know what to think. i was just scared. its nice to know that.. it wasnt just random? that more people are talking about this? something like that. thank you. i hope you are well.

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

i just read through your experiences and while i was never really involved with fanfiction during my childhood, i WAS exposed to plenty of other weird interactions on other sites starting probably as early as 11  and just realized that me starting to use the internet more probably coincides with me showing similar things such as starting to hate being touched and consider myself asexual/sex repulsed. it was nothing that i'd considered to be that impactful or big a deal before and there weren't really specific people to blame, but i definitely don't know how to feel about this knowledge now.

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

just read that post abt your ao3 experience and holy fuck, so sorry you had to go through that. but also, thank you. its scary to think tht ive cldve been in the same situation since i was browsing the internet from a v young age. i was huge into roleplaying and thereve been a few times where it became, uuh... not completely sfw (unknowingly to me, i just wanted to rp). but the moment it became too weird, i ghosted n blocked (i had a very anti-internet-stranger policy). again, thanks. take care

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

I was 12 when I got my first ship. I got into it because of the cute art online and I never once thought about it being bad. It was pedophilic amongst other things. I just started writing fic, so I wrote for this ship. I was asked to write straight up human AU "porn where xyz is a pedo" by people far older than me. I didn't know any better, I wrote it and every other request like it. It go so bad that I though that pedophilia was OKAY. It took me so long to unlearn that and many other things because of that ship and I still feel bad for ever having shipped it. So when people say things like "fiction doesn't effect reality" it makes me mad. It teaches little kids that things like pedophilia and rape are okay.

I opted to answer these as a group because they are all so similar. It breaks my heart how often I get anons, post replies, and reblogs about my AO3 essay from people saying that my experiences closely mirrored theirs. I hope that everyone who has sent me these messages can forgive themselves for what happened to them, and know that it’s not your fault that other people decided to take advantage of you. I’m working on healing, and I hope you can all do the same.

- Mod Daft

[boundlesshart]

how royal succession works in Almyra + Other Things about almyra that’s been rattling in my head since that nintendo dream interview laid waste on my crops

hi, so after reading M’s @ladamedepique​ drabble about a concubine war kid getting kmarted, i realized that what i actually want to write is the Everything i’ve been thinking about since this nintendo dream interview came out back in march. so i did. it’s 2am and im hungry.

i realize that it’s been a while, so the summary of that interview’s impact on my claude headcanons is “my handcrafted claude backstory that i had to write myself bc intsys decided fuck claude is now irreversibly fucked by the introduction of a bunch of half-siblings he had to be rivals with.” if you ever catch yourself wondering why this is such a mess, well because that’s exactly what this is! this is all subject to change, it’s same kind of “haphazard and bizarrely long half-baked headcanon report” that my dlc thought train was. i’ve changed my mind at least 20 times during this process i will change it again

i’d like to thank zotero for holding all of my journal articles and pdfs on the ottomans and their succession system, and also magnificent century og and kosem, while not being totally historically accurate, for being a fun soap opera to give me some visuals to work with in my head. i now have a positive understanding of what claude’s shitty little beard could realistically look like, which is a gift that i never thought i would have.

Almyran Succession

All of the king’s children, regardless of if they were born in or out of wedlock, is considered a legitimate prince or princess. This is pretty much the only title that they can expect to have, as they and their mothers cannot inherit any lands, titles or wealth that would have been passed to them from their own families. Almyran property law aims to avoid partitioning property between multiple heirs for the sake of maintaining the family’s financial stability. The throne of Almyra works under the same principle, which had led to the introduction, legalization, and practice of open succession.

Open succession, despite its potential to be cruel, is viewed as a necessary step to ensure that the throne would only be held by strong leaders chosen by the people (”people” ending up being the higher-ranking officials that would benefit from a specific child’s ascension). If they proved to be lacking, they would simply be deposed of and replaced. 

What determines who becomes the next ruler of Almyra is not whether a child is the oldest of all the children, but if they and their allies have the political acumen to not only claim kingship but keep it, fighting off their rival brothers and sisters.

All sons and unmarried daughters are eligible to rule Almyra. By law is not only the next ruler’s right but duty to remove other potential heirs to secure their right to rule and the stability of their reign. Generally upon a ruler’s ascension to the throne, their brothers will be killed and their sisters married off or killed if they threaten their siblings’ rule. Exceptions have been made in the past, but they are few and far in between and have led to succession crises down the road. 

The previous ruler’s choice for an heir is usually accepted after their death, and ideal for minimizing the interregnum period. Even so, it doesn’t guarantee that the heir will be able to keep the throne.

Ok, but where do the kids come from?

Rulers of Almyra are allowed to have multiple spouses, but they usually only marry for political purposes.

The vast majority of children are mothered or fathered by concubines with no background of political power, which is preferred. Princes and princesses are allowed to have children once they leave the palace (to prove that they can have them), but if they have too many they may be considered a threat to the king and dealt with appropriately.

I think the one mother-one child rule would have been in place here, not necessarily as a law but as a rule enforced by other spouses and concubines, as well as the ruler’s mother or father.

Princes and princesses aren’t dropping like flies, and murdering them without having the law on your side is considered treason of the highest order. They’re still aware of their competition and fear being murdered when one of their siblings takes the thrones, so few end up becoming friends.

Children are ultimately their mother’s or father’s responsibility. They are expected to guide them through their education and follow them to their provincial post when they are old enough, setting them up for success and paving their path to the throne. King and Queen Dowagers have been incredibly influential in Almyran history and support their children by representing them politically and managing their spouses and concubines. 

Ok, whatever, just tell me what’s relevant to Claude:

Ibrahim, Claude’s father, became the king of Almyra only after 5 year civil war between himself and his two remaining brothers. He got to the throne first and is still feared for the ruthless execution of even his youngest brothers and sisters.

In all, Ibrahim has had 2 wives and 12 concubines, and he has fathered 10 sons and 6 daughters. A few died to childhood illnesses but most made it to at least 13 years old. He’s a doting father and cares for their well-being, though only when he happens to see them. Though he was a constant presence in Claude’s life, his half-siblings usually only saw him during holidays.

No one in Almyra knows that Tiana is the daughter of Duke Riegan, for all they know she’s a Fódlaner that King Ibrahim brought back with him after a short border strife with the Leicester Alliance. Obviously she goes by another name in Almyra, and here is where I think I’m going to bring back the first name I had for her, Desdemona. Suck it, intsys. She wasn’t liked when she first came due to being from Fódlan, and was accused of witchcraft when Ibrahim married her and devoted himself to her at the expense of his other wives as concubines. As the herd of children and concubines thinned, Tiana’s strong personality and battle prowess garnered her respect among the top officials of the Almyran court and even her enemies.

In Fódlan Year 1175, rebels infiltrate the palace walls and kill over a dozen people, from palace servants to princes and princesses. In the moment it was believed to be part of a revolt that was ongoing in the capital at the time and carried out by rebels storming the palace walls and stealing and killing whatever came in their way. After an investigation, it was discovered that that was just a cover up for.... a noble Almyran house trying to make a power grab through either an older son or with their own heir? I’ve been working out the details on this for months and I still don’t have them ironed out don’t look at me. It ends with a couple of older half-sibs dying but more importantly Claude’s older and younger brother dying and Claude nearly dying himself, only to survive with the Crest of Riegan. I imagine that there have been instances before hinted at him having the Crest of Riegan, but it was this incident that confirmed it for Tiana. 

These are the notable royal family members, or the ones I’ve spent at least one second thinking of:

King Ibrahim II of Almyra: Claude’s dad, born Fódlan year 1131 so 19 when he ascends the throne. He is feared but respected, brutal to his enemies, firm with his allies... but you’d be surprised by how easygoing he actually is with friends and family. He’s young at heart and energetic, even laughing at jokes made at his expense, but only in very close company. He loves writing poetry, especially to Tiana, and he frequently sends her love letters so that one can be read out to her every morning and evening when her mail is given to her. Relishes the thrill of battle. Nader introduced him to kumis back when they were boys and to this day Ibrahim regularly drinks a glass each night, claiming it makes him stronger.

There’s a tradition in the royal family that all princes and princesses must learn a trade in case that they fall into misfortune. Ibrahim enjoys goldsmithing when he is alone, a good distraction from his thoughts. Claude’s earring is part of a set given to his mother, crafted by his father as a gift.

Tiana von Riegan/Desdemona: Claude’s mom, born Fódlan year 1135. Claude calls her a warrior goddess and a demon queen that would laugh at his expense, I imagine that she’s in that “dead serious but good humored about it” boat like Claudedad, but less sappy about it. A tough but loving mother, she was very involved in her children’s upbringing and did her best to secure their place in the royal family. She doesn’t teach any of her kids the Fódlanguage because she was distancing herself from That, but Claude is able to convince her to help him learn (though she was reluctant about it and limited their lessons greatly, forcing him to teach himself mostly). She has firmly decided to never return to Fódlan, but a cup of Leicester Cortania is her guilty pleasure. These days Tiana spends her time at her husband’s side in Maragheh, keeping up with her training.

Two older half-brothers: So Claude’s endings have him as heir to the throne without a mention of rivals, but part of me feels like that’s too simple for Claude considering he just up and walked out of there 7 years ago so here we are, two rivals. They’re probably early to mid 30s at this point and have one or two small children of their own. I don’t know their names yet, but my initial ideas are a “nice” brother cool calculated pushing up glasses kind of dude that is actually a huge dick and a chad dudebro who’s just trying to distance himself from these bad vibes.

If I had to give them trades, nice brother likes to fish and sails for pleasure (he governs a coastal province) and chad brother carves wooden thumbrings. 

Orhan: Claude’s older brother, born Fódlan Year 1160. He was conceived months before Tiana went to Almyra (born 5 months after she arrived), so his parentage has been in doubt from day 1. I imagine him as having low self-esteem since he was believed to be a full-blooded Fódlaner, discriminated against in a similar way or worse than what the rest of his siblings went through. Historians would later debate whether or not he was actually Ibrahim’s son.... but we’re not historians, and Orhan was definitely his son. Died in the FY1175 uprising at the age of 15.

No idea what he looked like, he just happened to not look like his parents. His favorite food was salted cod, but he was rarely able to get it. Orhan enjoyed playing the violin.

Claude/Khalid: You know him, you love him, born Fódlan Year 1162 under another name. He’s the only kid that ended up getting the Crest of Riegan, and after one too many accidents where that crest ended up proccing, he’s been accused of practicing witchcraft like his mother. I think this would be a better like, concrete thing for the Almyrans to fixate on rather than a general “you’re half-Fódlan rahhh” and I think it would definitely go with Claude talking about how he was constantly fighting and explaining himself to get out of trouble.

If I’m going with the “kids can only inherit from the ruler of Almyra”, then I’m gonna have to figure out how Claude fits into this. His first move is to probably bullshit a loophole about how actually the Dukedom of Riegan doesn’t exist anymore and I may have destroyed Failnaught after the final battle so technically I didn’t really inherit anything that would give me an edge in Almyran politics. :). Ibrahim is pissed at Claude for going to Fódlan in the first place and getting caught up in a war and he definitely did not sign off on Nader bringing Almyran troops into a war that they have no business being involved in. The first thing Ibrahim does when Claude returns to Maragheh is shout at him and ground him to his apartment in the palace. And then proceed to assign Claude to a governmental post so that he’s out of his sight.

As an aside, I imagine that when Ibrahim dies and Claude rises to the throne, he deliberately delays his coronation so that it coincides with the Almyran New Year. It;s that kind of inconvenient dick move that he would delight in making bc symbolism.

You know what he looks like, in terms of food he strays away from sugary sweet stuff and towards meat and cheese. I’d like to think that he gains a genuine interest in gardening (like, beyond just cultivating poisonous plants as a cover for “gardening”) during his time in Fódlan and brings back different seedlings and scions for grafting back to Almyra. 

Mehmet and Rahimah: Twins, born Fódlan Year 1164. Ok so basically I kind of wanted a dead sibling that was around Cyril and Lysithea’s age for the Drama of it (bc I thought of Claude looking at Cyril and thinking of his brother and immediately went “That hurts. Let’s do it”). But I ALSO thought what if Claude had a little sister, and then I ALSO thought what if Claude has a new full-blooded sibling that got conceived during the five year war, like the shittiest surprise. I’ve combined all those ideas into the twins.

First of all, they have more function than personality. Mehmet only exists to die during the uprising, but I’m starting to like Rahimah bc like... she literally loses most of her brothers including her twin, and then Claude up and leaves her for Fódlan (a place she has little connection to, regardless of her mother). Her only remaining sibling is gone for years, misses seven birthdays, her wedding with an Almyran general, the birth of her first child and the announcement of her second... like, by the time Claude comes back to Almyra she hates his guts and you know what? She’s right! I imagine Rahimah angry, but also grasping for literally any kind of deep and long-lasting relationship at this point. She loves her kids fiercely, she loves her husband, and even though they have their struggles she's still very close to her mom. Fuck her no-show brother Khalid, and fuck Fódlan for taking him away from her.

No idea what Mehmet looks like, like I said he only exists to die. Rahimah is shorter than Claude at maybe 5′4, round-faced and carrying herself gracefully. She’s lactose intolerant but she bears the pain for the sake of eating ice cream, and her husband goes to great lengths to get the ice for her. Likes to sing and dance with her son Ömer.

[rqs902]

.

IS THAT WHO I THINK IT IS 

ITS MY BOY ENYU!!!! ON THE FRONT PAGE???? okay also a big deal for zhaohao and li hao too!!!

ok now into part 2 of the ep

interesting that they focused on junhao for everybody. can understand he probably has the most different and struggle experience so probably more interesting for dramas sake lol im surprised they dont spend more time on shengen, considering his popularity. 

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA JUNHAO FREAKING OUT over the fact that they only learned the dance for 40 mins. LOL thats the level of tyger + kou cong + shengen, i can imagine the struggle of the yang guang nan hai group in comparison AHAHA i just imagine him running down the hall freaking out like HOW DID THEY LEARN THE DANCE IN JUST ONE CLASS WHAT ARE THESE PEOPLE 

lollll “theyre all dachang boys” “theyre all zhang yixing’s students” HAHAHAH you know even though he is slightly struggling compared to the rest, he aint bad and theyre all taking it light hearted with laughter so seems like a good learning environment! and he’s confident he’ll get it LOL thats good! i think thats what makes him so amusing 

HAHAHA i love how lin mo just keeps giggling at junhao like he genuinely just finds him so amusing LOL yay for making new friends 

awww bc junhao’s always been a leader i feel like for him to finally feel like hes being taken care of is so nice. i have absolute confidence that this group will treat him kindly. AW HE CALLED HIM MOMO 

im still disappointed they have YET to show zhan yu’s funny/strange personality and this wouldve been a great opportunity bc hes surrounded by friends he’s comfortable with!! like his friendship with kou cong! or akey and lin mo! but sigh...

THEY PUT ZHAN YU IN THE FRONT FOR THE SEXUAL LINE HAHAHHA PERFECT BUT I SEE LIN MO BEING ONE OF THE ONLY ONES NOT SHOWING HIS ABS HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA

wow the lyrics are so fitting for lin mo to scream LOL but also ay his vocals?! aw im glad they put in a little rap for shengen and akey! honestly was kinda hoping for more bc they havent had a proper stage together before and i feel like itd be awesome but also junhao and zhan yu vocalization at the end was on point!!

lol all the kids being like zhang pd’s words are so detailed and professional... sigh theyve been missing out until now 

im glad they really pointed out how each member of this team did well! they really all did a great job with each of their parts, and they each got a little part to shine, and when put together, it was a complete performance. im proud of them and happy for them!

aw.... i feel like we’ve been waiting so long to hear lin mo get complimented.... i feel like it’s been since qcyn namanana that we’ve been waiting for him to redeem himself and climb back up to the peak. ugh its been nearly a year and a half. im just so terrified of whats gonna happen next bc im way too skeptical at this point to expect this high to continue, esp with what happened after namanana last time......... but for now, im happy. relieved hes finally getting the recognition he deserves and im happy that hes happy. lol i was also half scared we were gonna get spirit of the knight-ed again with his pink hair (nightmare flashbacks to lin mo and changxi’s deletion from that perf) i dont think ill ever get over that :( i feel like as a lin mo stan, ive been trained to not keep my hopes up and to prepare for the worst bc hes the type of person who just always gets the short end of the stick, it feels like. 

aw the part when they go back to the waiting room and jin fan is waiting for them with an encouraging smile and the whole exchange of "帥的真的帥的" "哇~可以吧" "我沒想到" "那必須的" our leader did them proud :’) 

ugh the part where luo jie calls them and tells them he can’t come back........ heart breaking. i can see why lin ran and xikan would be really affected. lin ran has been luo jie’s go-to since he left and knowing how their usual friendship involves making fun of one another and jokingly complaining about each other, it hits hard when lin ran says he cried his eyes out. it hurts that they didnt get to share the stage again before he left. xikan may not have shared the stage with luo jie during ip, but hes known him since then and has been with him through both rounds here. it interesting bc i feel like the namanana perf was very light hearted on qcyn but i cant see that happening here, esp with their outfits? 

aw shiwei and chaowen taking charge to raise their spirits :’) 

lin ran’s voice fits so well with this song wow! i really like his lines! also lol i didnt know xikan would have abs but okay and tbh im always hesitant about dances with props bc it always is so easy to look messy..... like every slight difference in angle in the way you hold your arms is immediately magnified 

and like sxl’s fan is obviously broken and having performed fan dances myself i know that that’s like the most annoying thing to happen on stage, and can be really difficult to deal with, even tho it happens ALL THE TIME with those types of fans ugh :( 

i mean its super kind of them to leave luo jie’s space empty for him, but its kinda weird to have parts of the audio missing sadly :( and also chaowen’s voice did something weird in the middle there, like its sounds weirdly weak 

wait didnt yixing tell them to close the fan? but they didnt? 

xikan’s facial expressions are perfecttt, good for him! wish they gave more screen time to shiwei during shiwei’s lines lol... but also i cant help but hear lin mo’s voice during that part LOL ugh speaking of which i miss that team dynamic namanana team a on qcyn HAHAHAH hwx being a brat and fjj running around wild and lin mo giving up on them all just laughing like idiots for hours on end while bo yuan just judges them from a corner LOL i love the beginning of the wenxuan and lin mo friendship good times :’)  

HAHAH ENYU AGAIN WITH THE REALEST COMMENTS - i agree AHHAHAH i love these kids too but there was something off about this stage 

im surprised but also not surprised by what the judges are saying 

o didnt realize sxl was supposed to be center but i guess that explains the big puffy thing on his shoulder lol.......... agree with cx tho, even without his broken fan, i think the fans made them look worse bc it just looked messy 

well idk if we’re getting all the stages today but at least jin fan’s is also getting aired! TYGER HUG FOR JIN FAN YESS

jin fan teaching them dance? yes thank you for showing us he is a good dancer. oof jin fan’s just too nice :( hes trying to avoid conflict too much that it caused conflict smh......... lol oscar trying to talk to su er hes having such struggle i feel that bro LOL hes doing really well though, tbh being relatively young, hes really trying his best and is being reasonable. 

LOL HE CALLED HIM JIN FAN GE i forgot jin fan is considered old lol..... jin fan really taking the higher road here and im glad they sat together and talked it out a bit

THE JIN FAN VOICE YESSSS hahahhaha kou cong holding the tyger sign!!

oo is that some of his bel canto-style singing coming through LOL 

AY NICE for hong weihao and oscar to put in some rap 

some of those high notes were a bit questionable at the end but okay jin fan is really claiming that vocal + dance teacher role i see.... interesting 

but agree with yixing that he doesnt need to force himself to do high notes bc his voice is so nice regardless!! yay for oscar getting recognition! im still waiting for jin fan to do a cool dance performance sigh

wasnt expecting an enyu feature BUT ILL TAKE IT 

oof huang enyu saying hes really trying to put himself out there by going for leader and the realest comment that he hasnt considered getting to debut he just wants to pass this round oof and he feels like his opportunities may be cut short bc hes getting old oof

enyu and chenxu crying watching the movie 

AW THEIR HAHA VIDEOS ARE THE CUTEST THING I LOVE THESE KIDSSS so sad that so many of them are at risk of elimination :(  im glad these vocals made their own friend group! I hope itll be a memory they carry forward. they do all have shared experiences as vocals on this show. 

this reaction to junrong’s voice

same tho :’) but actually all of their voices are so so nice like actually these 5 are all people whose voices ive really listened for on this show, but wow renyu’s voice in particular like really ugh just sounds so pure 

also enyu looks really nice in this performance but thats a side note okay moving on

i mean literally these reactions

and li hao crying while singing and so many kids in the waiting room crying while watching OOF this perf has got me emotional 

HAHAHHAHA THEIR INTROS HAHAHHA

UGH ENYU his plea just.... the way he yelled it bc it mustve taken courage and it mustve been a frustration on his mind for a while now and bc maybe he wouldve broken down if he hadnt yelled it out but im really crying now.... and its so out of character for him that you know he really really is feeling desperate and feels the need to speak out

lol wait gjm posted on weibo about him? is that why hes getting more attention lol..........

i really hope the vocals win :( 

no tygers in the next ep preview? hmmMMMMMmm okay 

well also interesting that they put the other 4 perfs with the elims...... seems sketch but at least most of my kids got to go this week ahhhhhh i feel bad for the other groups already. esp the ones with the kids who arent as popular... 

[dontyouhearmehowling]

oh my god. Ok so I just scrolled through your blog and my heart hurts because there is so much love and just so much stuff I can relate too and I just ahhh damnnn it I cant even but like can I please have the story of your relationship with this girl your with? please? i'm a hopeless romantic I feel too much I love so hard my own love life is complicated but i know the kind of love you talk about thats exactly how i love the love of my life too so yours is a story I need to hear

ok so. it all started on April 31st, 2018. i reblogged one of those ask games and she sent me an emoji that said “i’m too scared to talk to you but i think you’re great” and i was like do it!!! and she did!!!! she texted me after i had already gone to sleep tho, so i only answered the next day. but then we talked all day. and the next. and the next. and we never ran out of things to talk about and even only knowing her for a few days i already felt comfortable enough with her to talk about anything?? it was wild. since day 1 we’ve had this connection that i’ve never had with anyone else and its my favorite thing in the world. after like a week we already had a bunch of inside jokes, something that i’d never had before, and i was already crushing on her. ok so we became very close friends like immediately, and i mostly ignored my crush on her bc i thought she didn’t like me back and usually i’d get meaningless crushes on everyone at first before i met her. but then this other girl and i started flirting and i realized i didnt like her bc i liked c too much, so i broke things off and kinda went like “oh shit this is real” and decided that i’d just stay friends with c until i eventually couldnt take it anymore and had to tell her abt my feelings bc thats how i am. anyways ok cool meanwhile i made her watch the good place on rabb.it with me which will be relevant later.

ok so fast forward to may 21st or something around that time. its time to sleep bc i have school the next day so we say goodnight, but then i guess she says something or reblogs something and i get sad bc i realize she doesnt like me back. so i make some hashtag sad posts abt yearning and then i realize i told her i was going to sleep and i didnt want her to think i didnt want to talk to her so i text her again and say like “ok i was going to go to sleep but then i got sad abt my crush” and SHE GOES “you have a crush????????” and im there like. what in the hell bc not only did i not try to hide it At All, i constantly posted about it and had an entire tag about her and i thought it was pretty obvious. so anyways i go “yes?? i thoought you knew that?? im literally always posting about it??” and she asks me to talk abt the crush and who it is. i say “just stalk the tag if u want, im going to sleep” then shes like “nO WAIT WHO IS IT” and im like. blatantly ignoring that and my heart is already beating out of my chest but she Really wants to know and then at one point i say “please dont make me answer that” so shE SAYS “you’re making me think that its me” and i say “i dont know what you want me to say” and SHE GOES “I WANT YOU TO SAY THAT ITS ME BC I HAVE A HUGE CRUSH ON YOU” so i just. die. right then and there. also yknow we talk about it and its like after 1 am and im just happier than i’ve ever been. ok so 2 days later she asks me out Officially and its great and shes the cutest gf ever and she made me feel more wanted than i’d ever felt in my entire life. then 6 days later she sends me a big big big text on tumblr and long story short (bc it was kinda personal), she would be deleting her all social media for the summer.

so she was gone. and we had only dated for a week at this point, but we’d known each other for 2 months, and i already loved her. i already knew she was the love of my life. i didnt even try to move on, i’d tell people i didnt wanna move on cuz i knew i was meant to love her. i had another blog like this that i used to talk about how much i loved and missed her (so like. exactly like this). i literally reasoned with myself that like. that happened because before i met her i was in a really bad place after a terrible relationship and i was almost giving up on finding someone who actually made me feel loved bc i thought it would never happened, so i was like “ok so i was in a really bad place, so the universe brought my soulmate a little early just for a while so that i would know i had to hold on, and when its actually time for us to be together, it will bring us to each other once again” like i actually told myself that, in those words. and yknow what? i wasnt even wrong. on july 15th she texted me from an empty tumblr with her old url and at first i literally couldnt believe it but we talked for hours and hours and i asked her what happened bc i thought she was disconnecting for the summer and she said “i was. i am. i just couldnt not talk to you anymore” and she said that she thought about me every single day, and i told her i missed her and she said she didnt text sooner bc she thought i’d be angry at her and ofc i wouldnt, i could never be angry at her and besides, she was just taking care of herself and i said i dont think i could be anything less than head over heels for for, and she said she felt the same way, but wasnt ready to be more than friends yet. but that had always been more than enough for me. just having her in my life would always be more than enough for me. so we stayed friends.

then, on august 9th i got this ask.

and she saw it after i said i was gonna go to bed (bc again, i had school the next day) and she texted me a whole thing about how that was the nicest thing anyone had ever said about her and that i should be asleep but she had to get it out of her chest and that her anxiety made it hard for her to show how much i meant to her so she was sorry if i didnt know and this would probably make no sense but she was tired of keeping it to herself bc shes the luckiest person alive for having met me and that it was gonna be so hard because shes so difficult (shes not) and her anxiety is difficult but that she literally spent every night thinking about me and of buying plane tickets to come see me so that she could be with me. then she was like “im sorry if this is uncomfortable to you and you can just ignore it but i think im in love with you and this is over text and not romantic at all (it was the most romantic night of my life) but you’re asleep (i wasnt) and we arent together but i want to be one day” and until this i was Trying to fall asleep and then i checked my phone that kept RINGING and died a thousand times over and started to answer and she sent other texts saying “i’ve never felt this way about anyone before i’m so in love with you its fucking ridiculous and this is gonna be so complicated but fuck i want this so bad / i’m sorry it took me so long / would you move to new york with me?” and i was This Close to literally fucking exploding like. how the hell was this happening how was it not a DREAM. so we talked and i obviously said i loved her too and eventually she asked me out and thats still probably the best night of my life. other highlights: “i’ve loved you way before august 9th so jot that down” and “off topic but i love you / you’re honestly my other half” and, after i said “you cant make me laugh its 2am”, she answered “i’m going to make you laugh for the rest of your life so help me god” and thats my favorite thing anyone has ever said to me probably and so far she’s kept her word.

anyways we got back together and then she told me that she never even told her friends she broke up with me??? bc that way she could keep pretending we were still together???? literally like sjdksndk imagine being this loved. i dont have to. anyways she wrote poems abt me sometimes and her christmas gift for me was gonna be a book with all her poems and she called it “what we owe to each other” because of the good place (remember how i said it’d be relevant later? its later) bc like she said that when we were watching tgp together on rabb.it thats when she realized that she Really Truly liked me like For Real. and the inscription on the book was going to be “to the girl i love / and what i owe her” and. yall. i cry. anyways one of the poems had a huge impact on us. heres the story:

and she got them but we broke up before she got to mail them to me. what happened was she had some mental health problems and she said she couldnt give me what i needed at the time but knew i’d still give her my all bc thats just how i am and she thought it wouldnt be fair so she broke things off to work on her mental health. she said she would need some time before we could be friends. the last thing we said was that we loved each other. this was in like november 2018, and we didnt talk for months. i actually tried to move on this time after a while, but it didnt take. and then i gave up for good. havent tried since. but anyways, then, on march 11th, 2019, i had my first day of college back in my home country, and we have this “pranks”/games that seniors get to do to the freshmen, and one of them required eggs, and they asked us to paint them, so i panted mine as iron man bc it was easy, but c LOVES iron man. like. LOVES. like in a Whole New Level of loving. once when we were dating she said she loved me more than tony stark and i was like. shook. like she tattooed “T.S” on her ankle after him. u get the point. she loves him very much, its adorable and endearing and i love it. anyways. so i sent her a picture of it saying like “you dont have to answer this but i made this for my university and i thought you would like it” and she answered and IMMEDIATELY something clicked and we talked and talked and talked and it was never weird or awkward or uncomfortable. it never is with her. its incredible, i cant explain it. i Know shes my soulmate like thats the ONLY possible explanation for this kind of connection. its unreal. anyways. we became friends again! all was well.

then one beautiful night she drunk texts me sndjkajs she sends me so many texts and says it sucks that we live so far away and that she saw my posts (in this particular case, one that said something about like. when she talked about love now, was it about someone else?) and she said that it wasnt. and then she went to sleep and i only saw the texts when i woke up and i was DYING bc we had a 4 hour difference and it’d take a while for her to wake up. when she did, we talked and she said she wasnt over me and was scared she might never be, and even though we were still gonna stay friends, it was nice to know that she still loved me. ok so fast forward a bit more and i was starting to wonder if she’d moved on again, when she finds out her best friend had a crush on her, and that conversation ends up with her saying “it was 100% platonic for me / sorry if thats weird i just wanted you to know that” and it was NOT weird it was GREAT NEWS bc i was Hella jealous of her best friend and at first i wondered if they were dating and anyways the fact that she wanted me to know that was a pretty good hint that she still had feelings for me. ngl im still somewhat jealous of h (c’s best friend), but thats just bc im an insecure lil bitch and also bc they get to go out and do stuff together that i cant do with c bc of the distance, yknow? but anyways. then she went on a graduation trip in mid to the end of june and she bought me a magnet. just. out of nowhere. i cannot stress enough how Incredibly unexpected this was. so much so that i actually convinced myself that it meant she was over me????? literally. what the fuck. anyways we named him together and coincidentally (or bc of soulmate powers. who knows) we both had the same favorite names. i still love that.

okay so then we go to july 29th, 2019. first of all theres one of my favorite interactions Ever which was like after i was venting about something and i was thanking her and i said “you’re always here for me” to which she answered “nowhere else i’d rather be” and i still think thats peak romance and i will take no criticism on this. anyways so then she sent me a poem that she wrote based on a song i’d sent her (the song i called “heaven is a place” and its the BIGGEST mood for being in love and i sent it to her bc it was how i felt about her so her writing a poem about it?? literally the best thing ever. love it) anyways it was a beautiful poem and i cried and got very emotional and kinda went too far in my compliments (aka being very obvious about my romantic feelings) and then i was like oh no sorry if i made u uncomfortable and she was like. “you have NEVER. EVER EVER EVER EVER made me uncomfortable” “you’re the only person on planet earth i am comfortably myself around” and “there’s nothing you could ever say that i wouldn’t wanna hear” and anyways it was just very good and romantic conversation even tho we were just cough cough platonic hashtag gal pals hashtag no homo ✌️ and then she was like ok wait. i need to talk to u abt something. and in short she said she was waiting for us and i was like well what are you waiting for exactly? and she was like idk?? for us to accidentally bump into each other in new york in a few years?? WHICH WAS LITERALLY WHAT I’D DAYDREAM ABOUT BACK IN JUNE 2018 BEFORE SHE CAME BACK OKAY so anyways we had a Great conversation and said i love you about a thousand times each and she decided she was gonna buy tickets to come see me. and then she dID like TWO DAYS LATER. lichrally. queen of impulsivity but in the best way possible.

—————

ok quick edit here cuz i forgot to say that when i found out she was coming i asked for my mom’s help to make a necklace pendant for her from scratch. my mom works with prosthetics so she has the material to make jewelry and back when c and i were dating in 2018 i had made this lil design for a necklace that had the moon and the ocean (bc duh) and i was gonna give it to her for valentines day in 2019 but we broke up before that so i didnt get the chance, but when i found out i was meeting her i knew i had to. so i made the necklace in wax, like this:

and my mom took it to her work and heated it up to melt it and keep the shape of it to fill with silver, and this was the result:

i gave it to her when she got here and she wore it while she was here and it made me so happy. ok edit over

—————

ok so we kept being like couple-y but not officially in a relationship bc we didnt want to make her anxiety worse. also at one point she was like “so about the ‘i love you more than the moon/ocean’ thing, since we BOTH love BOTH of the moon AND the ocean, i think its only Fair if we update our love declarations to ‘i love you more than the mocean’ bc its mix of both but thats not a word, buT its pronounced exactly like ‘motion’. therefore we should both start saying ‘i love you more than the motion’”. so now we have both the wonderful, romantic, original version, and the NOT ROMANTIC AT ALL DO U HEAR ME C??? version :) and after this day she always started with the WORST!!!!!! version, and i always started with the Only Valid Version, but we’d still answer each other’s ofc because. well. thats love i gues?? it sorta goes like this though: her: i love you more than the motion / me: i hate u / me: i literally hate u so much / me: i Also love you more than the motion

but anyways she was coming to visit me but the plane ticket wasnt for my home country it was for where i was going to university at (a new university, i was starting over) and when i first got here on this campus, i didnt have a working phone number for this country, and i wouldnt be able to access the wifi for 3 days, so i had no way of talking to her. it was TERRIBLE and i missed her more than anything in my LIFE but when i got wifi (after CRYING to the people here bc theyre the most unorganized uni ever and i was already very overwhelmed and stressed) i immediately called her and she’d sent me over 100 text messages dkfjssjks it was amazing, there were two (2) videos of her singing (which is like. objectively the best thing in the world, and the song was rlly romantic and i love it sm when she showed it to me for the first time she said it made her think abt me), a poem, AND a HUGE text with “i love you” written like. a THOUSAND TIMES. seriously i have a gif of it opening and scrolling bc it was so long that the text wouldnt show up directly on the chat screen and u have to click on it to see the rest. i’d never felt more loved in my entire life by anyone ever. anyways so then it came the day for her to get here and i had to wake up at 5 am to go get her at the airport and the uber was like $40 but who CARES it was the best day of my LIFE and i got there 20 minutes earlier bUT GUESS WHAT SO DID SHE (hashtag just soulmate things) then we facetimed the entire time while she was walking through the airport and getting her luggage and then she hung up to walk to the door where i was and we hugged for like 5 minutes and we were totally in people’s way and also almost fell but it was the best thing in the world and i never should’ve let her go. but, we had to go home, so i did. and we spent 4 days together and im not gonna go into details bc this is already too long but u can always send me another ask about her visit if ur not a coward. also i bought her a hoodie from my uni and whenever she wears it i just. die. in short, those days were the happiest i’ve ever been. this campus res had never felt like home before that friday and it hasnt again since that monday, but i swear to god, during those 4 days, this was the only place i could possibly belong.

anyways then she left and i cried for the entire uber ride home and then i cried all day. lmao. also when she was here she gave me the poetry book, the magnet, and the bracelet. still wear the bracelet every single day and i love it more than anything. but then personal stuff happened and we kinda stopped being couple-y again and we’re just friends now but before new years i asked her if she still loved me and she said yes and she said she’d tell me if it changed so ✌️✌️ im assuming it hasnt. even tho my brain is a bitch and everyday its like. today. today is the day. this is when its gonna happen. buT yknow we’ve spent months before without even talking to each other and we got through that still in love, so i mostly ignore it. and tbh i know that actually like, even if we grow apart now (god forbid, but still) we’ll find our way back to each other eventually. like, i’ve said this before and i’ll say it again: nothing, not even the universe itself, can convince me that shes not my soulmate. and even if it turns out i’m not hers, loving her is still the greatest honor i can think of.

another edit: also i started drawing recently and the first person i’ve ever finished drawing was her and also (surprise surprise @c since you’re already seeing all my feelings anyway) bc of my second drawing i almost missed the deadline for one of my midterms (which was a take-home test) bc instead of writing it i spent the entire day before the deadline finishing the drawing which was a secret valentines day gift (secret as in she didnt know it was supposed to be a gift, she thought it was just a drawing inspired by a quote that she loves) and i finished at 2 am but shes 3 hours behind so for her it was still 11 pm which MEANS it was still valentines day so it still counts, i win, lesbian rights!

[kadywicker]

inifnity war spoilers ahead please leave now if u dont wanna see em

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you had WARNING

anyway heres a rough outline of my thought process thru the movie from what i can remember 

a dude walked in wearing a justice league shirt and it was the biggest power move of the evening

rip heimdall u truly were the hottest bitch in the mcu

i already saw the spoilers that loki died but im still in mourning. my chaotic twink son :( also him tearing up when thor was getting tortured was like, possibly, one of the worst things to happen to me this evening. and his “you will never be a god” and “we will see the sun rise again yet, brother” like i’d rather be dead.

wheres valkyrie you fucking bitches

i know marvel has been trying to make me care about pepper and tony for like.... the entirety of the mcu and in theory i enjoy it but in reality i just heavily do not care

walked into this w out watching dr strange bc i refuse to so seeing him was very unpleasant for me :/

the second that one fuckin... servant of thanos guy showed up that tony called squidward i just burst into fucking laughter bc oh my fucking god. he looks like one of the star wars prequels aliens. i didnt know how i was supposed to react to that??? what the fuck????? kin? 

at least this time tony attempted to get peter away from the fight ig??? also like okay i kno its a running gag but did the russos have to make peter reference old movies like what 3 times in this movie and once in their last one like please..... Please. its done. its over! 

look...... look. look! look. i have made MULTIPLE posts on this website about how ugly i think chris evans is. especially when hes got his weird short, spiky hair. ive made this very VERY clear. i thought i was clear on this, myself. but let me tell u the fuck what when steven grant rogers showed up covered in complete darkness and caught a spear that moves at the speed of light w no hesitation and then stepped out of the shadows i only had one thought: please raw me

also i still dont care about wanda and vision but did wandas accent get slightly less bad or is this just exposure

drax’s reaction to thor was um. Me. also it was this scene that made me realize that ppl saying that the russos reset thor to his previous characterization and that he was nothing like ragnarok thor i....????? hm???? idk i thought he was p in character from what we saw in ragnarok? like did u all expect him to be super light and happy go lucky immediately after his entire planet died and his brother died too like. what.... did u Want. hes still not as grimdark as dark world and he still has the ragnarok vibes but w added “Lifes a Fucking Nightmare So Im Going to Joke Until Someone Murders Me :)” which is just honest to god me, so

oh also in an above part when tony pulled out a flip phone to call steve the dude next to me loudly hissed “what? a fucking flip phone-?” and his wife shushed him. i wanted to lean over and inform him that it was the phone from civil war and if hed been paying ATTENTION he wouldve known that

things arent going to be in much order after this bc im tired and its all a big jumble in my adhd brain but thats okay. its been 6 years and i still couldnt tell u the entire plot of the avengers, so.

tbh the effects in this movie were really fucking gorgeous like.... all the different planets’ scenery was so goddamn beautiful. like idk how to spell it so im not gonna attempt but the planet that gamora died on was literally so fucking pretty i was stunned into a silence what the FUCK was that beautiful nonsense

not enough steve and bucky interaction bc marvels personally out to get me, a known gay

i cant believe buckys a fucking goat farmer like ohfa sdfhadof ?????? just let the man feed his goats in PEACE 

didnt love the whole “thanos really loved gamora” bit but like it makes sense ig. if thats what he thought love was? altho that definitely doesnt mean she loves him or shouldve ever forgiven him bc uuuh Yikes. anyone w abusive parents knows that kind of possessive, overbearing love. and it might be some fucked up twisted form of it but it aint good.

but whoever they casted as baby gamora was spot on? 

when red skull lifted his hood i literally whispered “oh my god” and the lady next to me started laughing at me. 

also while there was a good amount of fighting i rlly appreciated that it wasnt All Fighting and just there to show off that they had cool special effects. like.... it was mostly story and for someone who doesnt give a shit abt action sequences it was v relieving that i didnt have to parse through 2 and a half hours of watching someone do cool but impractical stunts 

man idc abt wanda and dont like mcu natasha bc of the actress but when that chick was like “youll die alone” and natasha said “shes not alone” and then kicked ass i rlly just. hm. thats lesbian.

anyone else agree that when strange said mournfully that there was only one outcome and then said that giving up the time stone was the only way, its basically just telling us that this was all planned and it Will work out fine bc he knew that this was the one path that would lead to them winning. like..... im at least 99% sure thats whats going to happen, here.

steve and bucky may have said 2 sentences to each other but steve reaching out to grab a handful of buckys ashes w a stricken look was literally the worst moment of my entire life and i plan to sue marvel for emotional damages bc that was fucking terrible and i cannot BELIEVE they made me watch that idc if bucky comes back im fuckin pissed

also thats literally every team iron man member to realize that the accords were bullshit and if its 2018 and u still think the accords were right/a good thing i honestly do not know what to tell you

fuckin..... im lookin at captain marvels powers and shes cool and all but hows she gonna save all this........ now im even more curious abt what her movies gonna bring like ???? hello??????

also the only time the theater clapped or cheered was when steve showed up and literally same

i know all the dust ppl r coming back but alsof uc kin......... that was brutal

idk i dont have much 2 add im very sleepy but

i liked it a lot and im excited for the next movie. there were some things that i thought were in poor taste but like..... thats what i expect from every marvel movie, so. im pleasantly surprised by how good this was. idk why but during it it kinda like.... it had the same vibes as return of the king????? like i dont know Why but it has a very.... lotr movie feel to it. but w the staple marvel jokes. idk how to feel about that. i think its good? im not sure. get back to me in a few days after the movie highs worn off and if i still like it then its got my stamp of approval. 

[sseb]

i hate when im like, genuinely upset about something that happened, and then everything else upsets me too

like today my mom took my son to see his father behind my back (like she asked if he could come, i said no, she texted him a place to meet up). and his father is the person who decided, while sober, to take my child with him, knowing he was going to buy heroin, overdosed and was found 2 hours later in the city with his foot on the brake in the middle of a busy intersection.

i knew something like this would happen too, one of the first things i said to my mom was to not let brandon see him while im at school, i personally dont feel safe around him and im absolutely disgusted by the idea of him being around my son. she agreed, but also kept fucking pestering me to let him come over because hes in recovery and doing better, despite this being the THIRD time some kind of incident happend involving him, heroin, and my son.

so anyway, im in the kitchen, my old high school friend stopped by to see jens because its been awhile, shes playing with jensen and my mom is also sitting by jensen. my moms phone goes off, and it was left in the kitchen, so i went to go look so i could tell her who it was. and all i see is a message from him asking where they were going to meet.

as soon as my mom realized i had seen it she just started laughing, like the feeling of me wanting to protect my child from someone who is consistently letting him down was some big joke to her? so i say,

“what the fuck?” and shes like,

“its not your right to decide for him not to see his father; jensen has to make that decision for himself”.

????? my son is three years old, is very developmentally delayed because hes autistic, he literally cant make a choice between what toy he wants to play with, let alone if he wants to experience abuse before deciding its not worth it? so then she says,

“you will regret not letting him have a relationship with his father”

and my mind just like, snapped. because this is the same woman who 1. took me away from my father because he was a coke head and 2. invited her boyfriend of 1 month to live with us, and sat there and LAUGHED AT ME while he was abusing me. like she somehow has the audacity to tell me that my childhood that was robbed from me from years of abuse made me a better person somehow? that experiencing something like that for yourself prepares you to be a better person?

like i cant express how much i love and want to protect my child. my number one goal since the fucking second i found out i was pregnant was to make sure this child wouldnt grow up like i did. bc childhood trauma really fucking sticks with you and im never going to be a real person with real relationships because i cant love myself. and i just wanted my child to grow up knowing his mom would do anything for him and would never bring someone in unless i trusted them 100%

and i really genuinely begged my mom to be on my side, just this once. she knew how important this is to me. and she betrayed that trust, just like jensens dad betrayed my trust.

im feeling so lost because after what happened with brandon, the only person i could rely on to watch jensen while im in class was my mom and like, i have literally No. One. that i can trust with my son. im a student, i collect unemployment, i cant afford day care or a baby sitter. ive been going to school as much as i could for the past 4 years to become a nurse because its a good paying career and i dont want jensen to grow up in poverty like i did and everyday it feels more and more like ill never get there, ill never be a good mom, i cant ever do anything right

but ANYWAY that happened earlier today and every single small thing that i would normally not even notice fucking pissed me off to no end like deadass theres a fucking mosquito in my room right now and it keeps fucking flying right in my face and i started angry crying over it like i shouldnt be so affected by it but it just feels like the cherry on top of the cake of a shitty shitty day and its like the last straw of my fucking sanity jesus fucking christ

[ofstaffs]

steve steve was absolutely walking on air. the weather was amazing and he was enjoying it with the woman he loved. of course, it wasn't a totally perfect afternoon due to his endearing clumsiness. after his second time dropping the venue folder, they decided it was better if peggy carried it instead. other than that, it couldn't have been better. "i really like the meadow, if i'm being totally honest," he glanced at peggy as they walked under a cluster of trees in magnolia park. "but the park is fine too, of course."

steve: im screAMING

peggy: OM G CUITE

peggy: CUTIE

steve: the ghostbusters theme song came on while i was writing thiS

peggy: HAHAHAAHHA

peggy she didn't think it was possible for her to love him anymore. the bold and the brave captain america was stumbling over his own feet and dropping the folder each time he held onto it, papers flying everywhere, which required a ton of chasing. she hadn't laughed more in her whole life, and she was sure she had never been more infatuated with someone in her life. "i know, i do too. i just wanted to look around here to see if it was a backup choice," she explained, craning her neck to glance around.

peggy: lets just do them for a bit then ill bring rey in

steve: okie dokie

steve "you know, the first wedding i went to was out here." steve spoke, pointing at the patch of grass by the fountain. it wasn't exactly an enjoyable experience; they hardly knew the grooms and there was quite a bit of drama at the end of the night. he decided to leave out the fact that he brought a date to it. "you would have hated it. it ended in absolute chaos." he laughed quietly, knowing his future bride wasn't one to put up with people's shit.

peggy "oh, dear. maybe we shouldn't have it here, then. i don't want people to be reminded of bad memories when they come here," she said, biting her lip in concern. then she glanced up at him with a teasing smirk. "you know that if anyone tries to start /anything/ at our wedding that i'll deal with them myself." they couldn't exactly hire security; plus, they didn't need any. the groom was captain america, after all. "i don't think you'll let that happen, though," she winked.

peggy: omfg deans rper will not stop chatting me

peggy: like

steve: my ot4 tbh :,)))

peggy: actually

steve: im confused on how it all happened so fast

peggy: they kind of pushed it on kathryn and i

peggy: im convinced the mun is the same person

peggy: they're literally the SAME

steve: nO WAY

steve: mia's rper chats me a lot too so

peggy: yep

steve "i can only think of one person who'd be bothered." steve shrugged. that person was rey. she left early on in the ceremony and sprayed someone with beer when she returned. but at that point, he wasn't even sure if she'd show to his wedding. "i know you will." he grinned with a raised brow, tightening his grip on her hand lightly. him and peggy had already waited way too long for someone to ruin it. "hopefully everyone just keeps their issues to themselves."

steve: if somebody hijacks the steggy wedding i will take it ooc

steve: no shame

peggy: ya tru

steve: i feel like dia would tbh not trying to be rude

peggy "they better," peggy agreed with a firm nod, placing a hand on his cheek then slowly smiling again. "but i don't care if /everything/ goes wrong. as long as i get to be your wife at the end of the day. that's all i want. that's all i've ever wanted." she leaned up to kiss him softly, wrapping her arms around his neck.

peggy: BLESS

peggy: ok im gonna bring rey in]

rey joined the chat 2 hours ago

steve: yaaaasssssssss

rey getting some fresh air was nice, as her dispute with derek was still ongoing, and she felt like she had the opportunity to really clear her mind of everything. until she stumbled across a couple. as soon as she saw the red and blue clothes (did they plan that or did they always just coincidentally dress that way?), she knew exactly who it was. she clenched her jaw but let out a sigh and tried to walk past without her face being seen, tilting it away as much as possible.

steve: does steve stop her orrrrrrrrrrrrr

peggy: probs

peggy: i didnt know how else to bring her in lmao

steve "trust me, you'll be my wife no matter what. even if it means i have to become a minister and do it myself." he chuckled against her lips, gladly welcoming the kiss. naturally, he got too carried away, wrapping his arms around her waist and stumbling back slightly. he didn't even think about anyone else in the park until he felt his back brush against another person. "oh, geez. i'm sorry about that," the avenger apologized to this person behind him, before he quickly realized who it was. "rey?"

steve: i just did that instead whooops

peggy: nice

peggy peggy pulled away as soon as steve did, glancing at the person he had, literally, bumped into. uh oh. hopefully he wouldn't be recognized. she smiled apologetically and began to say sorry when steve said the girl's name. peggy's smile faded as she stared up at him, then chuckled softly. "is-is this a friend of yours?" she asked quietly, nervous about the expression on his face.

rey oh, great. clumsy steve, back at it again. she rolled her eyes and turned to him, crossing her arms tightly over her chest. she was sure she looked horrific, given she'd been bedridden for five days, but finally seeing peggy in person for the first time shocked her most of all. she really did look like her. at peggy's question, she just glared up at steve again before firmly replying, "nope."

rey: ouch

steve: damn steve, back at it again

peggy: i kept saying that in my head while writing jrc

peggy: jfc

steve "uh..." he stammered, glancing between rey and peggy. oh god, they looked so much alike he was getting confused. he genuinely did not know what to say. rey and him had a large falling out, sure, but they were so close. they were still friends in his eyes, best friends even. his eyes narrowed at her once she spoke. "no. she's tony's friend."

steve: yiggity yikes

peggy peggy's shoulders straightened at steve's words, and she stood protectively at his side, hand on his arm. "tony stark is no friend to us. it is obvious that steve doesn't want you around, so i recommend that you keep walking before i have to take action."

steve: FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

rey rey couldn't tear her eyes away from steve. her expression was a mixture of heartbreak, anger, jealousy, and distress. she missed him, but seeing him with peggy angered her beyond belief. she clenched her fists at her sides as peggy spoke to her, then raised her eyebrows. "believe me, i think that's the best idea, seeing the last time i spoke to your fiancé, he threw a coffee table across the room."

rey: riP

rey: sry im replying so fast im like trying to do this fuc kn g study guide

rey: WHY DID I PORCRASITINA

rey: ETE

steve: UR DUMB

steve: WHAT CLASS IS IT FOR

peggy: US HISTORY

peggy: FML

steve: WRITE STEVE ROGERS FOR EVERY ANSWER

peggy: O K

peggy: ITS OPTIONAL TOO

peggy: BUT ITS 20 PTS EXTRA CREDIT

peggy: KMS

steve steve was stupid to think this day wasn't going to get ruined. he expected the cops would have something to do with it, not rey. not his /best friend/. he glanced at peggy once she spoke, but rey was already retorting before he could catch up. "that's enough." the expression on his face was enough to kill. no more clumsy, adorable steve. rey awakened the beast that was captain america. "so where's derek this lovely afternoon?"

peggy peggy's head snapped up to glare at steve slightly. "so /that's/ what happened? you threw a coffee table because you were angry?" she asked in disbelief. but the expression on his face was not allowing for any chastisement at that moment, so she turned back to rey, watching her carefully. obviously she had done something to make steve, sweet, kind-hearted steve, angry and she didn't like it one bit.

steve: http://66.media.tumblr.com/902d809ec25de... LOOK AT THIS

rey "he's at home. i wanted to go on a walk, so here i am." she'd only mumbled a few words to derek before leaving, but she didn't tell him that. she was too afraid he'd poke fun at her for having a failing relationship. two at the same time. just in very different ways. "oh, but i see you two are planning your wedding. you know, that's funny. the last time steve was at a wedding, he brought along a date. but i'm sure he's told you that."

peggy: DED

peggy: REY ST OP

steve "yes. but you should let rey tell you what she said to make me so angry." he spoke through gritted teeth. he could almost hear rey's angry outburst about peggy and bucky leaving him. his hand flew up to his nose, pinching the bridge of it as she continued to spill like an immature child. "i brought natasha romanoff, my colleague. interesting that you bring up the wedding, rey. recall your little beer incident?" two could play that game.

steve: steve rn: (ง'̀-'́)ง(ง'̀-'́)ง(ง'̀-'​́)ง(ง'̀-'́)ง(ง'̀-'́)ง(ง'​̀-'́)ง

peggy "yes, i /would/ like to know that," peggy snapped to rey, crossing her arms firmly across her chest. anyone who upset steve had to deal with her. "i understand. you didn't want to be alone at the wedding. i get it," she assured him then turned back to rey, furrowing her eyebrows as steve brought up one of /her/ issues.

peggy: omg steve should do like a rly low blow

peggy: and then rey will just strt cr ying

peggy: bc i need them to make up

steve: how low u talkin

peggy: as low as u want

steve: idk how low i can go

steve: damn is this limbo

peggy: truth

peggy: idk like her being abandoned by her family or smth

peggy: or her problems with derek

peggy: or her family issues

peggy: rey has a lot of things to use against her ok

steve: i'll talk about her trying to get derek to propose cause i got an anon bout it

peggy: make it bad tho

peggy: or else rey will just be angrier

rey rey's eyes widened slightly as her expression darkened. now /he/ was digging. this was bad, and was surely not going to end well. she wished she had derek here to back her up. if he even would at this point. "well YOU'RE the one who had feelings for me while you said you were in love with /her/!" she exclaimed, motioning carelessly to peggy.

steve "why don't you tell her." steve looked down at his friend demeaningly, unable to bring himself to repeat her words. "at least i don't have to beg the love of my life to get marry me. i know who i love, rey, and you're sure as hell not one of those people when you act like this." the captain spat, grabbing his fiance's hand. "let's go, peg."

peggy: shIT

steve: shawty got low low low low low low

peggy "is that true?" peggy tried to ask steve after rey explained how he had feelings for her. if so... that was shocking. extremely. but at steve's words, she froze. ouch. that was a harsh one. but it was necessary. so peggy swallowed thickly and held on tightly to steve's hand before turning and beginning to walk away with him.

rey no... he couldn't have just said that. had he? he /had/. he didn't love her. once upon a time they were inseparable, spending every day together. first he had used derek against her, and then he outright said he didn't love her. not even as a friend. her hands clasped over her mouth in shock as her eyes fell shut, not even acknowledging them anymore. silently, she began to sob as she slowly crumpled to her knees on the ground, slightly ripping the comfortable pajama pants she had on, decorated with stars. she hated this. she wanted her best friend back.

steve "it was." he admitted swiftly, avoiding her glance. it was before he knew peggy was alive. it was a mistake, all of it was. she had a boyfriend anyway. right as he's ready to turn on his heel, rey falls to the ground in front of them. at first he thinks she's hurt, so he accesses her body quickly until he realizes she's just crying. oh no. was it really that harsh? his jaw clenched as her scene attracted attention from civilians in the park. "rey... just get up, okay?"

peggy "steve," peggy gasped as soon as she saw rey fall to the ground. they were friends at one point; and she knew steve wouldn't want to see his friends hurt. even though it was obvious she was just crying, she knew steve would still want to help. maybe. so she stayed back but watched carefully as he approached her again, hoping things wouldn't get worse from here.

rey rey simply ignored them both, covering her face with her hands and tucking her knees to her chest as she continued to cry. after all they had gone through together... that was what he now thought of her? simply because she was jealous? sure she had said some things that went over the edge, but he knew she hadn't meant them. but his words... he meant each and every one. and she didn't care that he was now seeing her break down right in front of his eyes. she couldn't hide her sorrow anymore. she cried even harder as she leaned forward slightly, threading her fingers into her hair.

steve steve pursed his lips, sending peggy one last apologetic glance before crouching down next to rey. he wish he could comfort her like he used to, but it felt too unfamiliar to him at the moment. "c'mon, rey. get up." he curled his hands around her forearms, making sure to be gently while he pulled her to stand. he meant the words in the heat of the moment, but now he was beginning to regret them. "i didn't mean it, alright?"

peggy peggy nodded her head swiftly as her eyes saddened. she knew he had to take care of this. he needed as many friends as he could get here in magnolia, seeing as they had enough enemies. and she didn't want one friendship to be ruined because of some simple jealousy. she kept some distance, but watched closely with a sympathetic expression as he tried to apologize.

rey "no... no..." rey cried as he, literally, tugged her up to her feet. it took a few moments for her to get a stable stance on the ground, but when she finally did, she began wiping at her eyes as her sobs became almost completely silent. "y-you did- you-..." she tried to say, but only wept harder, wiping at her eyes yet again and trying to move out of his grip. she was beyond humiliated and ashamed now and just wanted to go back inside where no one could see her.

peggy: wtf im tearing up

peggy: this is rly sad but its also bc of this study guide LMAO

peggy: but mostly bc of this bc aw

peggy: i miss my bbs

steve: omg dont crrrrrrrrrrrry

steve: im sobbing this sad ass song just came on my shuffle i feel it

peggy: right omfg

steve: speaking of shuffle wdyt about the plot shuffle

peggy: what about it

peggy: did they post it

steve: no they just talk about it when they get clique qs

peggy: oh lmao tru

steve: ive never done one b4

peggy: idk ugh

peggy: bc i dont want rey or peggy to be stuck with chars they've never interacted with

peggy: fml

steve: same dude

steve: can u imagine if peggy and negan had to be 2gether

peggy: riP

peggy: steve would be freaking tf out the whole time

steve: steve would literally bust through every door in magnolia to get to peggy

peggy: i love him what a nerd

steve the expression on rey's face caused an ache to spread through his chest. "i didn't, i-i swear." he murmured softly, struggling to hold back the lump in his throat. he couldn't believe he let his anger get the best of him and cause this. the last time he saw rey this upset, it had something to do with snoke. she was right, he lost everyone he loved. he always did. he looked back at peggy with forlorn eyes, almost as if he was making sure she was still there.

steve: im cryin

steve: ldr just came on im gonna fight

peggy: whats ldr

steve: lana del rey

peggy "it's okay," peggy mouthed to him when he turned to look at her, making a silent promise that she wasn't leaving anytime soon, unless he asked for privacy with rey. she understood that she wouldn't understand their friendship, and she didn't try to. it was for them, and none of her business. unless steve was being hurt.

peggy: nice

rey "you /did/, you did," rey sobbed, beating her fist weakly against his chest two times then just crying again. maybe if she wasn't so weak from the concussion, bruised ribs, and all the medication she was on, then she would've run away by now. or maybe she just didn't really want to run away. she wanted to stay, to bring back what they once had. "l-leave me alone," she pleaded anyway, attempting to tug her arms out of his grip, to no avail.

steve he let her hit him once again, her fists rekindling memories from their last fight. "stop, s-stop!" he curled his hands around hers, pushing them away from him. "stop this! stop trying to fight me, rey. i don't wanna fight anymore!" who would have thought, steve rogers, the kid who would fight anything or anyone, begging to avoid a quarrel.

steve: im screAMI

peggy: riP

peggy "steve," peggy gasped when he raised his voice, immediately stepping to his side and placing a hand on his shoulder. but she didn't stop him from speaking to her. he wanted this solved, and she didn't blame him. so she let it continue, and would only step in if things got really bad.

rey "then why would you /say/ that to me?" rey sobbed in distress, trying desperately to tug her hands out of his, though, obviously, that was impossible. he surely wasn't even using half his strength and she was using everything she had in her weak body. "y-you don't want to be my friend, you-you don't love me anymore..."

peggy: im em o

peggy: r u here

steve: IM HERE

peggy: YEET

steve "i'm sorry," steve looked down, letting his head hang low. he was apologizing to both of them at this point for losing his temper and control. "yes i do, rey! i never said that," his eyes were wide in confusion, "do you even want to be my friend? every time we're near each other we fight!"

peggy "it's okay, steve. m-maybe we should take this somewhere more private, though," peggy whispered, noting how people were beginning to stare at the three of them. if steve was recognized... the location of the wedding would be the smallest issue.

rey "of COURSE i do! i-... i miss you..." rey admitted, her voice thinning out to hardly nothing as she said it, finally peeking her eyes up to look up into his own. then she sobbed again as she shook her head. "but-but not after you said that. n-no... y-you meant every word... e-every word..."

peggy: midnight rip

peggy: and still working on this piece of shit.

steve: jesus h christ

steve steve nodded, instantly cooling down when he heard her voice. peggy was his happy place. any place, any situation; if peggy was there, he could do anything. "no i didn't, rey." his brow furrowed and his face fell once again. "let's go home, okay? come with us."

peggy peggy held onto steve's arm gently, though he was still holding a fragile rey up. she wondered to herself why she looked so sickly, but kept her thoughts to herself as she led them both inside, and up to their apartment. "i'll get some waters," she offered and stole a kiss when rey wasn't looking before moving into the kitchen to do so.

rey rey didn't want to go to their house, to where the two of them spent their time together. but the stress was overwhelming and she needed to sit down, but she didn't want to go to her home just yet. she still wanted desperately to fix things with steve. she let him practically pull her up the stairs and past the door, feeling too weak to do so at that point.

steve "okay." steve whispered quietly against her lips. he lead rey's weak frame to the couch, passing over the spot where the coffee table used to be. "-uh, are you alright?" he questioned, refusing to let go of the grip on her arm.

peggy "you don't seem too well," peggy agreed, bringing over a glass of water for each of them and setting it on the little makeshift table they had in place of the coffee table. she knelt before them and looked worriedly up at steve, silently asking him what was going on.

rey "yes," rey exhaled as he sat them down on the couch, closing her eyes and bringing her hands to her head. "i... d-derek and i were pushed down a flight of stairs... i hit my head and got knocked out. and bruised a couple of ribs... w-we went to the hospital and now i'm on five different kinds of medication..."

steve steve shook his head at peggy's questioning look. he had no idea what was going on. whatever it was, it was more than just her being upset. she looked horribly fatigued. "what?!" he exclaimed loudly. the floorboards in the house might as well vibrated at his staccato.

peggy: omg steeb my bb

steve: he cares so much about his girls

steve: peggy, rey, nat, wanda

peggy peggy's hands came up to her mouth at rey's admission, looking over at steve in shock. oh, no. she knew her steve; and she knew the guilt would hit him /hard/ after this. "i-i'll get some ice," she whispered immediately and jumped up, jogging to the kitchen to get some ice to cool rey down.

rey for some reason, she assumed steve had known about her injuries. but how could he possibly? they hadn't spoken in weeks. "i-i'm sorry, i thought you knew..." she admitted honestly, nodding in appreciation as peggy went to get her ice. then she moved her hair out of the way so steve could see the stitched up gash near her temple, with sweat-soaked bandages covering it.

rey: im emo

steve way to go, steve. he felt absolutely terrible for everything at this point. all previous guilt he had was superimposed at her admission. "o-oh, god, rey. i'm so sorry." his gaze fell to his hands, which he quickly retracted from her forearms and placed in his lap. once peggy returned with the ice, he gave peggy his best attempt at a smile.

peggy peggy knelt in front of them yet again as she finished wrapping the bag of ice in a paper towel, giving a small, hesitant smile back to steve. "back of your neck, darling," she said to rey, handing it over carefully. any friend of steve's was a friend of hers. she was choosing to look past their differences, as they obviously wanted to as well.

rey rey shook her head. "i-it's okay, i should've told you..." she whispered, feeling bad that she'd, accidentally, of course, kept him in the dark about it all. it was why she couldn't stand up when he told her to, why she couldn't leave when all she wanted to do was run away. but maybe it helped them reconcile in the end. "thank you..." she whispered to peggy and placed the pack on the back of her neck, leaning back against the couch pillow with a slow exhale.

peggy: LAST PAGE

peggy: ITS SO LIT

steve steve instantly sat up from his spot once peggy administered the ice. she didn't need to be on the floor anyways. "i don't blame you." after the whole coffee table mess, who would want to speak to him? he acted like a complete and utter fool in their apartment and in the park. "i'm sorry."

steve: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

peggy "no, no, no," peggy mouthed reassuringly, shaking her head and helping him to sit again. "you sit, i'm okay." obviously rey wanted, or needed, his support right now, and she was sure he needed hers as well. they had just come back together, after all.

rey rey opened her eyes and looked sorrowfully over at steve, shaking her head gently. "don't apologize, it's my fault too... i-i didn't mean anything i said either, i just wanted your attention again..." she admitted. speaking of... she looked down at peggy sadly. "i-i'm sorry i was so jealous... it led me to do things that i wouldn't usually do. bad things, and it wrecked my relationship with the best friend i've ever had. so i'm sorry..."

steve steve responded to peggy's refusal with a tight lipped nod. "you didn't wreck anything." he murmured with sad eyes. "i shouldn't have got angry when you told me what you did. i acted the same way when you were with derek."

peggy: omg wtf when did u get here

peggy peggy smiled kindly and nodded to rey, gently patting her knee. "it's alright... everything's all better now," she reassured her with a light, soothing tone. obviously she and steve were very close, and it made her sad to think that they'd spent so much time apart because of peggy herself.

rey right... derek. that was a whole other ordeal that she still had to sort through. her eyes closed slowly as she let out a heavy sigh, readjusting the ice pack on the back of her neck. "i don't know what's going on with us now..." she admitted quietly, peeking up at steve again. "i want to be married to him... /so/ badly, but... but he's still not ready yet. and it's been /two months/... we've known each other for three of them... he doesn't understand that i haven't had a real connection with anyone for fifteen years... i don't want to waste anymore time in my life..."

[jewel-s-blog]

about me + bias list

 hi there, I’m jewel :)

she/her/hers ・ 20 ・ kpop (writing) blog

Yes, Jewel is my real name although my parents admit I was supposed to be named elizabeth but changed their minds last minute after I was born how cute and I’m currently in university. I study political science and japanese for those wondering (because yes, I am japanese and it’s helpful when you live in hawaii to have that degree yk?). If any of this stuff is even mildly interesting and you have any curiosities, pls feel free to ask me!

I try to write some things when I can, so feel free to take a look at my masterlist. I also read A LOT of fics on this site, so also peep my recs if you feel like it. Warning: its mostly fluff and angst and almost always includes smut but there’s some really good stuff worth reading still! 

Feel free to talk to me :) i don’t have any kpop friends irl :( all my friends are locals smh 

I try my hardest to be active as much as possible but it’s taken me over a year to finally get used to tumblr lol marklee and i both struggle with complex technology i guess Of course, there are times when I get busy with college and will probably seem to drop off the face of the planet exam season kills but now that I’ve been in quarantine for a month, I figured now is the best time to start building an active tumblr routine. 

That’s all for now! Keep reading below for my bias list :)

xoxo, jewel <3

Bias List 

Before I begin, I will warn that this is basically a giant NCT shxtpost. With LOTS of hyperlinks for educational purposes and absolute crackhead-ery. I’ll eventually make a separate list for other groups I stan, but this blog is mainly NCT and this is already so long so I’ll leave it as this. Enjoy!

Biases are bolded in the beginning of each unit, so you can skip everything after if you don’t wanna see my ramblings following it.

A/N: After biasing nearly every member in NCT/WayV I’ve settled for now on my biases for each unit. This will most likely rotate fairly regularly as I literally fall in love with a different member every day cited here. solo stan? I don’t know her.

ULT

Jaehyun  *ahem excuse me i mean* 

Johnny Suh, it’s official. Don’t know how to explain, but I love everything about him. In the end, it’s always him. damn i sound like y/n thoughts but istg it’s true From SM Rookies to NCT Life to MV behinds, he’s the one. But I’ve also come to realize that I find myself most relatable to him as a person and I think that’s why no one else can trump him wow narcissist much jewel It’s kind of just my gut feeling. It also helps that hes the fluffiest tall, muscular tight booty hottie on the planet. See this black on black dance practice for further scientific explanation even in this jaehyun trying to wreck me so badddddd

Not gonna lie, I HAD IT BAD FOR MARK LEE still do and yet Johnny overcame that. If mark lee were my first love, johnny is my soulmate.

UPDATE! 

Lee Jeno has officially been added to the ult list. *See the entirety of my april activity on my sns accounts if you would like to see how this happened haha :)

NCT U  

im in love with him bc he literally reminds me of my boyfriend -- i like chill guys ok

Taeil is my little teddy bear who looks great in red hair and has a voice form heaven. Evidence? Here you go. He didn’t stand out to me much in the beginning because I was either deaf or blind but after Chain, the game was OVER. +moon taeil in shorts?? serve them thighs honey. Love you bebe tomato <3

BUT Doyoung is the #1 bias wrecker here because have you seen his cover of beautiful on masked singer?? have you?? if not, let me educate you. Also his collab with Sejeong?? Literally the cutest MV ever, perfect for Christmas, listened to it every year since it’s release.

Listen to Coming Home - NCT U for further scientific evidence that NCT has top vocals in the kpop industry.

NCT 127

THE Jung Jaehyun. For reasons that need no explanation. but ill give it anyway smh

After watching the performance of herin and jaehyun singing a whole new world I knew that was it for me. (I still watch it once a month for my jaehyun-related health and to honor SM’s biggest loss, seo herin and ji hansol but thats for another conversation) back to jaehyun His vocals are unique in NCT and bring a nice color to their songs, the man looks good in literally anything, and I’ll probably say this about every member, but I love his dance style--body rolls for days sis. Definitely my ideal type, which my boyfriend is 100% aware of; no secrets in my relationship ofc which explains the wreckage. Pretty sure 81% of the fandom gets wrecked by him daily, so I think I’ll stop here. 

NCT Dream 

Renjun.  why? i just think he’s neat but no really, it was this performance (ok actually this got me ALL SORTS OF WRECKED) and this fancam that had me falling in love with him but were gonna ignore the fact that I get bias wrecked DAILY by all the other members  GOd-tier vocals, personality for daysssssss, variety KING HUANG RENJUN. Safe to claim that I go into renjun feels about 3x a week. Check my twitter for proof. +dnyl renjun was a blessing and I sometimes cant believe that it actually happened. How do I explain?? He’s literally the best boy, but when he gets all worked up....let’s stop there before I have to go to confession again.

But for fun, lets list why I have biased every dream member at some point shall we? (in no particular order) Dream might just be my ult group, songs always bop, members at star quality 

mark- yes i am including mark bc he was the reason i even started stanning dream dreamies leader since mmc days, mentor, A1 rap skills, ad libs go crazy, unparalleled dancing style, hardest worker, cutest watermelon advocate ever, all around amazing person can you tell he used to be my ult? + he’s a good christian boy and my catholic *ss has to confess my sins for being a simp for him 24/7

chenle- vocal GOD, most steady live vocals in kpop, laugh to die for

jeno- i cannot resist his eye smile i wanna cuddle and onstage charisma-2:54 “let’s goooooo” and i alskfdfjlkdldkfa. 

jaemin- “other than my members, i don’t have any friends” and yet he’s literally the most caring and wonderful little puff in existence fight me pls dont im a pacifist 

heachan- idk why but donghyukie feels like he could be my best friend and also cant stop staring at him in their dance practices his body proportions are unreal and his vocal ad libs?? don’t even get me STARTED on heachans vocals

jisung- he is my son, but also my son’s vocals?? MWAH that voice got me second guessing if he’s really my son 

WayV 

Ten Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul another member where it kinda just....happened? In the end I was like “damn, when did you sneaky bugger get in my heart?” He’s got a similar vibe as Johnny AND DO NOT COME FOR MY THROAT FOR SAYING THAT THATS MY OPINION Like Johnny, I see myself in Ten. There are so many reasons why I love Ten, so I’ll make it simple and provide them to you. 

Reason 1 - Performance/dance  he just hit different, he’s THAT good. Reason 2 - vocals the amount his vocals has improved?? UNMATCHED. Reason 3 - INTELLECTUAL (still trying to find the clip of him talking about different kinds of love) Reason 4 - multi-lingual KING ok so this vid is him struggling in mandarin, but imagine, you speak thai and english and learn korean to debut and all of a sudden your agency says “ok learn chinese now.” MANDARIN IS ONE OF THE HARDEST LANGUAGES TO LEARN. Reason 5 - bad b*tch he just radiates bad bitxh energy in everything he does, and I appreciate a bad bitxh

BUT I love wayv’s chaotic energy and chemistry so much that I literally love them all dreamies watch out 

+special shoutout to xiaojuns vocals in Love Talk

+kun being a dimpled zaddy (jaehyun&kun type CONFIRMED)

+lucas holding binoculars like THAT @ 1:10

+yangx2 doing THIS (prepare to be blown away)

+hendery being a the best teacher 

+winwin BEING WINWIN THE DANCE GOD 

+winwin AGAIN and with Ten here i don’t even think i have to say that i tweeted about this everyday for a month and im still not over it. This specific dance really allowed winwin to shine even though ten is my bias. It really allowed others to see the fruit of his classical training even in modern dance which he never trained in. Not gonna be repetitive and SCREAM  say that he’s underrated, because we all know that already. Just show winwin some love, ok? thank you.

And so finally, we’ve reached the end. Phew, this took me almost 5 hours to put together because I definitely got carried away. For those who made it all the way to the end, thank you, I love you. It’s so messy and I don’t have the mental capacity to do anymore editing but I hope you got something from this massive post <3 Feel free to let me know what you think! xoxo, jewel

[chickenfetus]

ALL MY EGG (and for the four names: jae, killer kang, minhyuk (whichever one), and santa

deadass i did the 100 questions ask meme for this ask and almost posted it rip

🐰 what is one secret that you’ve never told anyone?

theres literally nothing i dont even know what to say ???? 

💗 if you could hug anyone, who would it be?

not 2 be delusional but i would give up my world to hug changkyun

🐹 what are some of your favourite Pokémon and why?

glaceon is UP THERE idk why honestly but the sinnoh games were my first and i just??? i was really into ice and snow and shit u know so glaceon... thakn u

another pkmn ill always have is lucario ????? its just so cool?????

🌠 if you were in charge of the world, what would the world look like?

hopefully forgiveness and like???? acknowledging mistakes and learning from those u know jst positive stuff and like?? water. god i love water

👀 what was the most recent vivid dream that you had?

hm okay i think this one was from last night or the night b4??? and like???? idk???? i dont even know how 2 start tbh?

so im like hanging over at this two kid’s im a kid 2 i think place and idk we just talk and shit??? idk whomst the boys were tho

and then we get to a scene where its like??? at a train station???? and i go to the washroom to shit or smth idk thankfully i didnt shit myself irl

then i have to get onto the train which isnt even a train its like a carousel with seats??? and its like on a train track boys this is 2 much and i forgot to get ready my train card thing so the guy (who i was p sure was evil) waited for me to remove it so i got onto the transportation device lmao

and then once im seated i remember i forgot my jacket so i make like hand movements 2 the creep and hes runnig 2 me with my jakcet but the ride’s way too fast so i yell and say ill come back for it even tho im p sure i wasnt going 2

after that i wke up wild

☀️ what do you like the most about your best friend?

i dont have a best friend and all of my friends have their own unique qualities if i went into a rant abt them rn this will b so long

😘 talk about your crush or partner

[minhyuk voice] theres none

💁 if someone was rude to you, would you be rude back?

ya bc im petty but it really depends on the person

🌟 what do you like about yourself? (must choose at least 3 things!)

my personality (the good parts)

my values

my taste in friends (my Big Friends are either geminis or scorpios good)

🐾 what are you scared of most? how will you overcome it?

the dark and bitch isnt gonna turn off her night light any time soon

🎁 what never fails to make you happy?

seeing my favourite happy, listening to the music i like 

💙 what annoys you about some people?

i jjust went into a full out rant abt this on the other reply so ill be quiet now

😤 do you get angry easily?

yeahhhhh 

🐇 what do you always daydream about?

my faves tbh

🌻 if you could change 3 things about the world what would you change?

bad people , gone.

everybody only sends love and happy things on anon

i just want everyone 2 b nice & friendly wars of any sort dont exist and no one wants anybody dead

🍓 send me 4 names: kiss, befriend, kill or marry?

if u sent jae’s name earlier id have trouble so im glad

kiss: tihis is so fucking embarrassing wtf minhyku (mx) but only on the cheek basically everywhere except the lips or anyplace weird

befriend: brian :-0

kill: jae goodbye loser

marry: sanha we can yell every time we gotta turn the lights off

✈️ what is your dream city and why?

tokyo bc its NICE

☕️ talk about your ideal day

cant read

🌸 are you an introvert, ambivert or extrovert?

i suddenly thought of the word ambivore which made me think of the word vore i wanna delete im a both? mayb idk

💧 when was the last time you cried?

nov 3 bc my heart hurts whenever i see ppl being a bad friend

🎵 name 5 songs you love at the moment

oh worm

all alone - day6

with you - astro

dramarama - mx (even though it isnt out yet lmao)

run - bts (the superior bts song)

hellevator - / (i was rly gonna make this mixed languages but rip)

⚡️ if you had any superpower, what would it be and why?

to fly bc im basic

💛 if you could talk to your younger self, what would you say?

dont do that

💚 who are you jealous of and why?

nobody in general????????? 

💎 which one would you rather have more of: intelligence, beauty, kindness, wealth or bravery? why?

intelligence i have 2 live somehow what if my money gets stolen

🙊 what are you ashamed of?

my humor

🌺 which languages do you know? which do you want to learn?

i (barely) know chinese despite having 2 take it all my life legends only

i know english but im bad at that 2 and its my first language once again legends only

i wanna learn japanese and korean 

🍀 if you could be any fictional character’s best friend/lover, which fictional character would you be?

the cow from voltron 

☁️ talk about your dream universe.

weve already discussed this

💜 which acts of kindness are you going to do today?

oh w-0rm ok so im a regular anon on this persons blog and i wanted to send an ask but never got arnd doing it so im gonna send her one. soon/

🐬 if you could transform into any animal/magical creature, what would you be and why?

let me live my life as a furry and cat

🍄 talk about someone/something you really dislike

are u ready 4 me to b the meanest person yet bc i sure am lets fucking go

so theres this girl. and i know her (unfortunately) and ive known her since like 4 years ago and back then she was already pretty shit tbh

she cried bc she had to sit in between the “weird” and “dirty” girls in our class and she headass cried in front of them and everyone just bc she didnt like the arrangement?? shes called the “dirty” girl disgusting before and has made fun of her in front of everybody its just bad :-/

now. fast forward 3 years and in addition to still being disrespectful and rude, she now vocalizes her weird fantasies for her “oppas”??? some examples: 

“when i go watch __ perform im gonna climb onto stage and then my mother and my future husband will fight for me” and she calls those kpop idols weird shit and basically sexualizes them/???? she says the weirdest fucking shit on her ig story and tags them??????? 

another thing. she went to korea nd took a picture of a complete stranger and posted it on her public ig and called him her “oppa” and said that they had a “fun day together” despite the guy not knowing her at all???? she posted the pic of him??? i still dont get it tbh 

she wasnt even being ironic at all??? she calls herself & classmates “autistic” whenever she/others do smth dumb or mess up and its just sososososo fucking wrong

being one of the people to see how shes basically grown from bad to worse is something i dont fucking enjoy and i jsut want to leave my class already lmao 

ok but there are times where i do appreciate her because sometimes the class will be rly quiet and the teacher is basically talking 2 themselves but she’ll always respond w/o fail so thats great but its only bc she talks so damn much 

i just got a flashback to when she “jokingly” said she wanted to be a trainee for the rest of her life how do i just. god

😣 talk about some things that have been making you depressed/angry/anxious lately

we’ve once again already discussed this

🍪 what did you want to be as a kid, and what do you want to be now?

i wanted to be various things honestly?? ranging from an astronaut to a vet to an editor to an animator to other stuff i get influenced pretty easily so if i watch smth and i think its cool ill want 2 be that i guess?? ive been trying 2 get rid of that habit so now i have no clue what i wanna be

🍰 what are some of your favourite sugary foods?

sweets and chocolate cake

🍑 what are you obsessed with?

drinking water and staying hydrated

making my friends laugh is great 2

💘 what happens to you when you’re stressed?

acne LMAO 

😪 what are you sick of?

the usual

🙀 are you an adrenaline seeker?

i love scouting on sif and bandori so yeah 

💥 what are some unpopular opinions that you have?

lets not 

☔️ would you consider yourself a good person?

to a certain extent

😊 what do you like to do as hobbies?

use my phone???? send nice anons and comment on art/fics 

🎤 what’s the last song you hummed or sang by yourself?

none

🐝 what’s your worst trait? how are you planning to improve it?

my tolerance for ppl’s shit is so low

🎨 what do you always doodle when you’re bored?

my ocs

🐻 what’s stopping you from chasing your dreams?

i dont have a dream hence myself

🌷 what’s your mbti personality and why do you think it suits you?

infpt i dont rmb shit but yeah

🐶 send me 3 fictional people and I’ll choose my favourite!

falen i dont rmb what u sent

👑 who are your favourite celebrities and why?

i dont follow any :-o zendaya has had my heart ever since shake it off tho

🐴 opinion on day6?

ur rly gonna do this 2m e?

all alone just started playng this is terrible lets get it

so day6. a band i only found out about in late june (thank u boxy) and before this i only ever listened to bts and mx bc my friends stan them so i thought i was gonna expect boys dancing, the usual. 

i clicked i smile and i lost my fucking shit as soon as i saw the instruments because prior to day6 i was a big 5sos fan so this was rly resonating to me tbh and i was just !!! so fukcng excited??? i never intended to even get into day6 honestly??? but after witnessing how good they are and watching about all of the available mvs at that point i was completely in awe��so i caved a created a stan twitter for them.

now, this isnt even the most of it. after becoming a fan i realized how much more these 5 boys are. they compose (if im not wrong) and brian writes lyrics for the songs each month because of their everyday6 project and again, im wow-ed because??? the amount of dedication???? they went from releasing 2 title tracks in 2 years to releasing 12 title tracks and 12 bside tracks in a single year. they havent released the december song yet but haviing to work on 2 or more songs in 4 weeks is fucking amazing if you ask me. 

theyre really talented and theyre just so versatile (am i using that word correctly) and each month their songs sound different. this project has given them the opportunity to try new things and you can hear the steady improvement in each of their vocals (dowoonie not so much since he barely gets lines, but we all know hes working hard) and if you listen to their debut song - kongchu and compare it to the version they released along with sunrise it just???? the drumming has even changed from the original version nd its so noticeable that whenever i hear kongchu from 2015 i know its the old ver

to add to those, they do vlives every week and although those vlives are always scheduled it still makes my day seeing them and watching them do the usual. 

one thing im upset about is that how they barely promote themselves, they rarely get on variety shows (the most is individual schedules) and we, as mydays never really get to know the boys so its harder to fall for them as a whole. i dont know if its jyp or day6′s decision but if this is how they want to be known for - their music only, then so be it. we still have jae’s presence on youtube, music access and asc. thats the most we can get and it makes it difficult for us to learn about the rest but thats okay.

another thing. their concerts are something i always look forward to (even though my interest has died down a bit;) their concerts are just so fun to listen to?? there’ll always be mydays who stream the concert so everyone else can listen to them play and they sound so good live it drives me crazy. mydays are always so hyped and whenever mydays sing along it just gives me goosebumps??? bc theyre so???? good????? 

tldr; day6 deserve more, following wise and promotions wise because they work so hard and once this project ends i hope they’ll manage to rest but still remain as a presence that will be known instead of returning to jyp’s dungeon.

🍋 do you consider yourself an emotional person?

there are days where i am more emotional than usual 

📚 share 3 books that you love and your favourite quote from them.

this is tiring

😔 what do you always do when you feel sad? does it help?

i sleep and boy it really helps

😌 what thoughts keep you going when you’re sad?

rest

🌍 which country do you live in?

singapore

🐧 describe yourself in 3 words

lame funny swag

🐵 which quotes changed you?

“rocky swag” - park minhyuk, 2017

💭 do you keep a diary?

nope

💫 who inspires you?

brian kang 

👻 do you believe in ghosts and why?

yes bc i love losing sleep

🎀 what’s your fashion sense like?

terrible

🎬 what are some of your favourite films?

i watched spiderman homecoming and i have no idea why i didnt see the plot twist coming but its GOOD watch it

🍦 what is one treasured childhood memory?

theres none lads

🐼 if you could meet anyone, who would it be and why?

all my internet buddies but sometimes i dont want to bc im kinda....gross

[taegijae-blog]

BREAKFAST DELIVERY 10

pairing: 2jae

genre: fluff, if you squint there’s angst

word count: 3k

description: the school’s hottest boy im jaebum wants to get a certain boy’s number.  but the first problem is: he’s unhappy and not eating.

status: completed

note: this was originally posted on wakaba’s wattpad @/jaeholics

| part 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 |

Thank God the day following that event was a Saturday, otherwise he'd have to shamefully face the two hearts he managed to break in one day.

Jaebum rolled around in his bed, hugging on the blankets, mumbling incoherently to himself. He felt like absolute garbage. Seeing that his alarm clock read 10:37, he slumped out of bed and dragged himself down to the bathroom. The house was empty as usual, meaning he could totally throw a party that night. If, you know, he didn't feel like dying. As he squirted some toothpaste onto his toothbrush and madly scrubbed his pearly whites, he groaned as he stared at himself in the mirror. He knew he was a good looking guy whose looks would attract mostly every gal or guy. After rinsing out his mouth, he smacked some water across the mirror and blurred the reflection of his sad-looking self. For once, he wished he was ugly. Jaebum tiredly zombie-walked his way over to the kitchen, checking the fridge for any food that possibly could've been left for him. Seeing that it was empty except for some eggs and milk, he already knew that his plans would be to go out for both lunch and dinner. Opening a cupboard, he grabbed a box of fruity cereal and dumped it into a ceramic bowl, pouring milk in after doing so. His dear cat, Nora, crawled up to his feet and rubbed herself against the skin lovingly. "At least you're here," he muttered under his breath, slurping some milk from his bowl as he made his way to the couch. He turned on the television and stared dully at the skin, allowing his pet to crawl onto his lap and rest there. Realizing that he hadn't checked his phone in a while, Jaebum reached for it since it was laying on the coffee table. He turned it on, only to be met with over a hundred missed text messages. annoyed, he unlocked his phone and saw that a particular someone added him to a chat group overnight after he fell asleep, which was the main cause of the overload of messages. He squinted at his screen while he scrolled through the messages. It took him a while to realize that those numbers were familiar to him: Jackson Wang, Park Jinyoung, and Choi Youngjae. The last message was sent a few hours ago, so he didn't bother sending anything to indicate that he read the chat. He put down his bowl of breakfast and became invested into the conversation they were having, feeling more and more uneasy. Nora jumped onto the table and quietly drank some of the milk as Jaebum's foot tapped in anxiousness. wango, 2 others [jype]: i'm muting this chat btw [wango]: bro I just want u to listen to my proposal [c.youngjae]: why do you even have my number?? [wango]: thats not important just listen rn [wango]: so jb hyung's like super depressed aight? [wango]: I HOPE HES READING THIS BTW WINK WINK [jype]: winking in text doesn't do anything [wango]: anyway [wango]: i want all three of you to meet up [wango]: and work this out together [wango]: i'm not going to interfere bc this is a u guys issue!! [wango]: u gotta fix it urselves arasso?? [c.youngjae]: ...how tho [wango]: there's a nice place in town [wango]: it's called Cafe A [wango]: all of three meet up there by 3 and talk it out!! [wango]: idc if you're busy or not [wango]: (unless ur planning to meet ur family bc then please go ahead and do that first family is first priority) [wango]: ARASSO?? [jype]: our 'talk' isnt going to last long, you know. [jype]: theres not much I can say

[jype]: it's always been a one sided thing anyway [jype]: i know he likes youngjae way more than he likes me [jype]: and i'm okay with that. [jype]: i just don't want to be thrown away because of that 'love' he has for him. [jype]: you reading this, youngjae? [c.youngjae]: yes, hyung... [jype]: good. [jype]: i don't hate you or anything. it's not like that.

[jype]: it's true that ive liked him since middle school [jype]: but I always knew that it'd ended up being like this [jype]: and how he isn't the kind of person to fall for his best friend [jype]: so I prepared myself for when this sort of thing happens   [jype]: it won't bother me, youngjae. go ahead and date him. [c.youngjae]: hyung, i [c.youngjae]: ...you have to understand that i don't really like him at the moment [c.youngjae]: i'm not sure if i'd agree to that [jype]: that's a shame [jype]: because a really great guy has a huge crush on you [jype]: and it's a waste for you to be ignorant about that. [wango]: ... [wango]: hoh my god  [wango]: i'm a rly good problem fixer

[wango]: jinyoung? 

[wango]: u still there?

[wango]: i guess not 

[jype]: i have plans for today. i'm not going to that cafe. [wango]: oh [wango]: well I guess it's fine now since u guys talked it out!! yeah!!! [wango]: youngjae, don't be discouraged! [wango]: both jaebum-hyung and jinyoung r amazing people [wango]: even tho they seem rly scary and act cold [wango]: its just their way of caring [wango]: ive known them for a long time [wango]: theyre literally the best friends ive ever had [wango]: jinyoung is a rly wise person, there's always a good reason to whatever he does [wango]: jaebum-hyung has sides to him that r like a dad or big brother that u can rely on [wango]: ... [wango]: youngjae??? [c.youngjae]: yeah [c.youngjae]: i'm listening [c.youngjae]: thank you, hyung [wango]: no problem man

[wango]: now go get that dick [c.youngjae]: ???? [wango]: jk jk lol [wango]: r u going to meet up w Jaebum-hyung at the cafe? it's a rly nice place I swear [c.youngjae]: maybe [c.youngjae]: i haven't heard what he says tho... [wango]: aw true [wango]: let me spam him brb [c.youngjae]: wait don't spam him;; what if he's just asleep?

[wango]: 

ugh ur too nice

[wango]:

fine I won't

[wango]:

i'll go spam markiepooh instead♥️♥️

[c.youngjae]:

...right

[c.youngjae]: the other number in this chat is Jaebum-hyung, right?

[wango]: yep!! slide into his dms boy

[c.youngjae]: ;;

Jaebum instantly realized the doom he was about to face.

"No, no, no, no, no!" He literally screamed at his phone, trying to do everything to prevent Youngjae from knowing.

It was probably too late.

[c.youngjae]: ?

[c.youngjae]: wait

[c.youngjae]: but

[c.youngjae]: ;;

[c.youngjae]: isnt that defsoul-hyung's number...

[c.youngjae]: ...it is

[c.youngjae]: hyung.

[c.youngjae]: ... [jaybee]: are you mad at me? [c.youngjae]: no

[c.youngjae]:  even though I did just find out you were double tricking me

[jaybee]: i never meant to make fun of you or anything

[jaybee]: about that party

[jaybee]: i knew bambam only as 'def soul'

[jaybee]: i'm sure you can also tell that he doesn't like me bc im known as that rude, popular shit called im jaebum

[jaybee]: and rapmon told me to come anyway

[jaybee]: btw his real name is namjams

[c.youngjae]: what's your point

[jaybee]: i want to have a second chance

[jaybee]: i know ive been a horrible person, hiding behind two identities just so I could talk to you

[jaybee]: please

[jaybee]: i only ever wanted to cheer you up

[c.youngjae]: ...

[c.youngjae]: i feel stupid for sending you all those messages

[c.youngjae]: no wonder you knew where I was and that I didn't have an umbrella

[c.youngjae]: i feel like you've played me and you probably did 

[c.youngjae]: but the def soul hyung I know is a caring person

[c.youngjae]: and if youre him

[c.youngjae]: then I can hope that your kindness is just as genuine

[c.youngjae]: because I think it's impossible to fake kindness like that

[c.youngjae]: let's meet up at three and talk

[jaybee]: i'll be there

[jaybee]: i won't be late.

Read at 11:07 AM ✓

His phone read 2:57 by the time he spotted Jaebum. He was standing right outside the promised cafe, scrolling through his own phone with his legs crossed. It surprised Youngjae to see that he was wearing a pair of wire-rimmed glasses and an oversized sweater, contrary to his usual attire of trendy clothes that showed off his nice build. He looked pretty hot, to be honest. Youngjae shook that thought out of his mind and approached Jaebum, acting as though he wasn't just staring at him a minute prior. "It isn't 3 yet," Youngjae said quietly, stuffing his hands into his hoodie. "I've been here for ten minutes. I just didn't want to be late," Jaebum replied with a tiny grin as if he wanted the younger's approval. Youngjae scoffed and went ahead into the building, ruining the other's plans of opening the door for him. They went up to the counter, both of them staring at the menu in a similar way. Both of their eyes twitched, cursing at Jackson mentally. "I'm glad Jinyoung decided not to come," Jaebum whispered to the other, faking a smile for the person behind the cash register. "Welcome to Cafe A, one of the first couples' cafe in this town," she smiled enthusiastically, probably a bit overwhelmed on the inside because she had two male customers coming together in her hands. Youngjae hid his face into a hand in embarrassment, and Jaebum wanted to die on the spot. "Would you like to order our monthly special 'love potions?'" she asked, pointing to the piece of paper on the counter. "No," Youngjae and Jaebum said simultaneously. Flustered because of how rude that sounded, Jaebum laughed sheepishly and shook his head. "I'll just have an iced Americano. And, Youngjae..." Youngjae squinted at the menu above them, saying, "I'll have some water." Jaebum's face abruptly switched to one of shock, nudging the younger gently with his elbow. 'Eat,' he mouthed. Youngjae grumbled, feeling like he was just scolded by his mother. "Nevermind. I'll have a melon smoothie." "Alright. that will be ₩6,500." His hand reached into his pocket to grab his wallet, but the taller Jaebum stopped him before he could go any further. Instead, he took out his own wallet and paid using a card. Youngjae squinted his eyes at the other. I bet he just wanted to show off. Stupid seniors. "Thank you. Please come to pick up your order once this starts to buzz," she said while handing over the circular device to Youngjae, who almost dropped it.To the surprise of both, she leaned forward and gestured for them to come closer. "The third floor is popular with... couples like you two," she whispered with a grin. Both boys shook their heads, trying to insist that they weren't that sort of couple. She didn't listen, only grinning happily. 'You guys are so cute!' she mouthed while making a thumbs up, leaving the two speechless as they searched for a table. "Maybe we should go to the third floor," Youngjae was heard mumbling. "But we're not a couple, unfortunately," Jaebum remarked, putting emphasis on the last word to express that he really did think it was unfortunate. "I mean, I'd be more than happy if we were, but-" "The people here are staring at us." Youngjae gestured with a subtle tilt of his chin, completely ignoring what the other had to say. It was true, though; quite a few of the other couples enjoying their food seemed to be whispering at the two. Jaebum scoffed and marched towards the staircase, Youngjae following quickly to avoid any more odd gazed from anyone there. As promised by the girl at the cash register, the third floor was filled with... ...gay. Youngjae's eyes couldn't ignore the variety(?) of couples that were there, enjoying their time together. At one table in the corner, there was someone resembling a llama sitting across from someone who appeared like a girl. He couldn't tell, that person just had long hair. At the opposite side of the room, he spotted a couple that consisted of someone narrow-eyed with bright mint hair, nodding at his partner, who had a radiant smile, while he ranted. At another table they passed by were two people who didn't stand out in particular except that they seemed to be speaking completely in Chinese. Beside their table were two rather young looking guys, the foreign-looking one teaching his partner how to say simple words in English. "I don't think there are any open tables, hyung..." Youngjae remarked with a pout after searching around the room. Jaebum nodded, thinking that they might end up having to sit outside or something. Just then, someone tapped his arm. he turned around to see two rather tall guys sitting at the table nearby, one of them looking highly emo. "Are you looking for a table? Ae can just move our stuff, there's space for you guys," the person who tapped his arm offered, his canine teeth showing as he smiled. "Oh, sure. Thank you." Once the other guys moved their belongings, Youngjae took the seat that was on the cushiony couch and Jaebum sat on the chair. "Are you guys from JYP high?" the person asked, sipping on his ice coffee. Jaebum nodded, leaning back while putting an arm over the chair in an assertive way. "We're from Pledis," he replied, making Jaebum go “Ooh.” No wonder they were wearing nice clothes and looked as though they had their hair done professionally. Although Pledis was a small school, it was a costly place to attend and its students sure did prove that. "God, I would've screamed if you guys were from SM." Almost everyone in the room quieted down when hearing that name as though it was a taboo. SM's school had the roughest teachers and classes by far, and its roughness most likely rubbed off on its students. The device Youngjae held flashed red lights out of nowhere and started buzzing, startling him. Jaebum took it from his hand and headed downstairs in order to grab their drinks. Once he was gone, the high-key emo person who hadn't said a thing leaned over to Youngjae. "Your boyfriend's hot," he said quietly. Youngjae's face flashed a bright pink. "He's not my boyfriend! I'm not dating him," he argued and pouted again. "Really? I think he likes you from the way he looks at you, though," the person sitting across said with a wiggle of his eyebrows. "What's his name?" "Im Jaebum." Someone dropped their fork in the distance as the person almost choked on his straw. "That's... him? He's Im Jaebum?" he asked, clearly as confused as Youngjae was. someone a few tables next to them whispered, “Holy shit, that was Im Jaebum?” "Yes?" Youngjae tilted his head, not understanding what all the fuss was about. "Goodness," he sighed while shaking his head. "He's a literal legend at Pledis." Youngjae's eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "What do you mean by that?" "How do you, his boyfriend, not know about this?" he fanned himself with his hand, accidentally hitting himself in the face. Embarrassed, he cleared his throat. "Anyway, the Pledis legend. Im Jaebum. He used to go to Pledis for his freshman year, I think. But somehow, he ended up becoming the school's first ever student to be full on expelled." Youngjae's mouth dropped when hearing this. He wasn't even sure if his best friends Jinyoung or Jackson knew about this. "One of the biggest idol companies—you know, the ones with idol groups and all that—scouted him during his freshman year, right on our campus. The story about that flew all over school and he became a living legend. Everyone wanted to his friend." "How come you didn't recognize him earlier if he's that well known?" Youngjae asked in a dazed tone, not quite able to wrap his head around all the information he just absorbed. "Are you kidding me? He used to be one of the shortest guys in the class. He had mushroom hair and wore huge glasses every day." "Okay..." Youngjae peered over to the staircase to see if was Jaebum was back or not. He wanted to hear more of the details, wishing he wouldn't be back for another five minutes. "Well, why was he expelled?" "There was this group of seniors that made fun of him a lot, and I guess he was just fed up with him," he explained with a shrug, shaking around his cup. "What did he do?" "He poisoned them." That was the point where Youngjae didn't believe the story anymore. "No, that's stupid—" "He baked them a nice batch of cookies that made them vomit the next day. They told the principal on him," the boy paused in order to snap his fingers, "and just like that, he was gone." Youngjae was speechless, only his eyes blinking as the rest of his body was frozen. He was so confused, mostly because he couldn't believe that someone who seemed genuinely kind like the 'Def Soul' person he knew would do such thing. At the staircase, he could see a glimpse of Jaebum walking up with two cups in his hands. "Are you afraid that he'll do something like that again?" the person asked. "If you are, I don't think you should be. I can tell his attitude has changed a lot since freshman year, and he's probably trying to get a fresh start." Jaebum sat back down in his seat across from the still shocked Youngjae. He waved his hand in front of him, wondering if he was even alive. "Yah, Im Jaebum!" the person smacked his arm out of nowhere. “What—ah, shit," Jaebum cursed under his breath once he realized that that person currently attended pledis, the place of his unforgettable past. "I can't believe it's actually you. hey, i'm mingyu. remember me?" Jaebum's eyes widened as though he was reminded of something unpleasant, but he played it cool and sighed. "Yes, yes, I do. What do you want?" The one sitting across from mingyu tapped his watch, indicating something about time. He nodded his head and hurriedly threw on his jacket, grabbing his things. "Sorry, I would talk more but there's something I have to do." Before he left the table, he leaned down towards Jaebum's ear and whispered softly.

“Don't break that cutie's heart, okay?”

[meepface]

these questions seem very therapeutic and i have been havin a week so im gonna do em, please ignore me

1. What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?

say no to people!! post selfies and not feel ashamed of myself for doing so!! stand up for myself without immediately crying!! 

2. What has been on your mind most lately?

well this week i’ve been in kind of a negative headspace so i have sorta thought about how much easier dying would be than dealing with any of my problems, but i have also thought about how much i don’t actually wanna kill myself also so i’ve been feelin sorta trapped between ‘mannnn if i would just fucking do it’ vs ‘but i don’t wanna my mom would be sad’, so that’s a real fun time!

3. Right now at this moment; What do you want right now?

i wanna feel myself again honestly. i’ve felt super weird n distant from who i used to be and who i wanna be and i feel like im just floatin. i feel super dissociative and i don’t feel genuine in how i behave anymore like idek myself. another super fun time!

4. In order of importance, How would you rank: Money, Happiness, Love, Health and Fame?

love (not strictly the romantic kind), happiness, health, money, fame

5. What would best describe the way you have spent your time in the last month?

feel like i’ve been wastin a lot of time bein super unhappy. buuuuut i spent a lot of time with people i love last month so that was good. kinda mixed, neutral feelings about it

6. What is the #1 motive in your life now?

to learn how to live for myself more

7. In one sentence, who are you?

i would say i am an extreeeeemely sensitive and compassionate person who’s always tryin to do the right thing and make a few people laugh when i can

8. What do you want to be known for?

being good and kind and gentle and positive

9. If you had to move 3000 miles away, what would you miss most?

my family, my dogs, my girlfriend, my friends, my grandma, this local restaurant that has amazing pancakes, my university bc i really like it there, the general atmosphere of downtown Austin, my therapist, my bedroom. in no particular order

10. In one year from today, how do you think your life will be different?

hopefully i’m taking care of myself well, am happy in my current situation and if i’m not i am actively working to do what i need to do to fix that, maybe i’ll have finally gotten another job and have moved out possibly. who knows. just hope im doin well

11. Who makes you feel good about yourself?

my friend Stein, my mom, my girlfriend, my therapist, a few of my internet friends

12. What are the top 3 qualities you look for in a friend?

someone who makes me laugh, someone who is a good listener, someone extremely supportive and non-judgmental

13. What has fear of failure stopped you from doing?

joining a club and being more social in college, getting another job, moving out, making videos, volunteering at this abuse center i’d really love to volunteer at

14. What is something you have always wanted since you were a kid?

a golden retriever

15. What stands between you and something you want?

fear of change

16. What do you do when nothing else seems to make you happy?

i find something to calm me down and distract me, like a game or something i can play so i stop thinking too much. also talking to someone helps but whenever i’m not in the mood to talk i try to do something to distract myself, or go to sleep if it’s a good time to

17. What do you need to spend more time doing?

being with friends and family, writing

18. When did you first realize that life was short?

i mean i had a few near-death experiences as a kid but none of em i was like “wow i could’ve died and that would’ve been the end” bc i didn’t really process them like that when i was that young. one of first times that i can remember feeling really deeply anxious about how short life really is is when i saw a bad car wreck just last year that had just happened and (TW ahead) i saw a person dead on the road with his head smashed. that was so scarring for me and now wrecks make me uncomfortable and i used to drive kinda recklessly as a dumb suicidal thing but now i would never ever drive the way i used to. another time i can think of is when a girl in my grade who i had actually been close friends with all throughout middle school up until freshman year died in a car wreck and our whole school was devastated

19. What issues do you continually refuse to confront?

honestly i want to confront and fix or work on all of my issues lmao so

20. What is something a lot of people do that you disagree with?

there’s a lot of homophobic and transphobic people in the small Texas town that i work in and a lot of em say super offensive things really casually and i hate it so much. also a lot of people enjoy jolly ranchers which i will never understand

21. What is a common misconception people have about you?

i’m shy, i’m straight, i’m lazy, i don’t work hard

22. What is something no one can take away from you?

no one could pull me away from my mom tbh that bitch knows everything and no one can tell me not to tell her what they tell me bc she’s gonna know in the next hour

23. What is something you would hate to go without for a day?

ummm chicken probably. it’s all i eat

24. When you look into the past what do you miss the most?

how cheerful and happy i was in 2015 and some of 2016!!!!!! the fuck happened!!!!

25. What memory from the past year makes you smile the most?

hmmm probably the times my gf and i spent hours making out n stuff in parking lots bc we finally got over our fear of havin our first kiss w each other and went all out

26. What is the number one change you need to make in your life within the next twelve months?

hmmm don’t wanna share it but i know in my head the answer to this

27. If not now, then when?

when i’m ready and when i know for sure that it’s what i want. because right now i don’t know what i want with my life but i just know that right now i am not happy. baby steps

28. What have you done that you are truly proud of?

i gained soooooo much confidence after graduating high school. came out to everyone, told my mom i wanted to finally try to go to therapy which has been a blessing for me

29. What is something new you have recently learned about yourself?

i’ve learned where my dependency issue that i used to have super bad stemmed from. i’m kinda growin from that though. i still have residual anxieties that were caused by it but nothin i can’t work through

30. What do you want to remember forever?

hmm. probably that one quote that’s like “anything that costs your peace is too expensive”. either that orrrrr that one scene in the office where Jim gets drunk and crashes his bike into the bushes

31. What could society do without?

religion (yikes yikes yikes) (don’t hate me, just hear me out) - this doesn’t mean the spirituality of it but like..... the whole rules and order part of it. the ancient outdated books and everything being taken so literally in today’s world. everyone could have their own takes and believe in their own things and they can just be without feeling like they either have to go to church or celebrate a religious holiday or be a certain way bc ‘god’, whoever they may be, wants them to. idk i like to believe there’s a higher power that just represents love, in its purest form, and that’s it. that’s all you gotta know about them. there’s no rules to that, you just do with that what you will, learn from that what you can. does this make sense at all 

32. What is the one thing right now, that you are totally sure of?

right now i am totally sure that i shouldn’t have started doing this survey bc i am exhausted and i have work in the morning but i’m definitely gonna finish it

33. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would you say?

be kinder and gentler, thank you

34. What is something that you said you would never do, but have since done?

this is uhhh super emo but i didn’t think i’d live this long and here the fuck i am

35. What is something you changed your mind about when you grew older?

my feelings about The Gays, since i grew up to be one and when i was little i was terrrrified of that idea. i didn’t care if other people were but when it came to me i was like noooo way jose. also? the concept of marriage? i’ve become super apathetic towards it. i don’t care if i end up married or not anymore, i will commit to someone for life regardless and i don’t need a ceremony and anything official to prove that. buuuuut that being said, if my future partner wants to be married, i’m 200% there and i’m already starting to think about our wedding color scheme. man. idk if i’d rather wear a suit or a dress at my wedding

36. What didn't last forever, but was still worth your while?

hmmm maybe my current therapy stuff?? i know one day i’m gonna stop going to therapy but man have i learned a lot and man have i grown. i truly think everyone needs to go to therapy at least once in their life, you learn things that are valuable in every aspect of life

37. If you could go back and time and tell the younger version of yourself something, what would you tell?

you’re not stupid, you’re allowed to make mistakes, maaaybe ask for the braces that aren’t clear bc those just made your teeth look massive and you hated yourself while they were on and you can’t look at pictures with them even years later. aaaand they made you super insecure about your mouth and smile even years down the line so, please dodge that bullet if ya can. also you’re super gay!

38. If you knew you were dying in the next 60 seconds, what would your last words be?

finally

39. When it is all said and done, would you have said more then you've done or vice versa?

hmm i’ve probably said a lot more than i’ve done, which i wanna change. if i’m understanding this question right

40. What question do you often ask yourself?

what do you want? what do you need? which of the two is more important?

[survivor-guyana]

Episode 12 - "tbh I totally forgot we were playing Fans vs Favorites." - Jones

So here I am. Maynor got blindsided, TJ had an idol and didn't tell me about it, and I've been on the bottom of 3/4 merge votes (I don't count Unanimous bc that's a twist so we HAd to work together) everyone has basically lied to me at some point, and all of my relationships are fractured in some way or another. Alyssa gave me her explanation why everything went down the way it did: She heard that TJ babbled to Jess that Aidan was going against Alyssa/Devon/Jess, so they confronted him with this information and flipped back to the otherside (alongside dani obviously.) HOWEVER Alyssa believes that TJ and Maynor were the ones campaigning against her, and didn't think I had anything to do with it at all (hehehehe), but because the "majority alliance" had been worried about TJ having an idol, their only options were either me or Maynor. Alyssa then told me that Aidan had been trying to throw my name out all day, but she kept me safe (HEHEHEHE) so boom.  This also lead me to the realization that TJ doesn't really trust me and he never did. If he did, he would've been able to confide in me if he found the idol (which he did) and he DID, in fact, leak to the other side that Aidan/Dani were flipping (when he said he hadn't heard anything at all). If TJ told the truth about the situation, I do think Maynor and I wouldn't have tried as hard to save him, and Maynor would still be in this game. I told him i would tell him if I heard anything, but he's most definitely on the bottom, and i most likely will be voting him out if he doesn't win immunity. (hopefully he doesn't, if he does, it's either me or chelsea.) after all of this information was being processed in my itty bitty brain, I most definitely had a mental breakdown. My brain stopped processing everything that came to mind all together. and all I could do was draw a blank and laugh to myself. I was hopeless, there was no plan moving forward and I was trapped as a "goat" once again for the eventual winner of Tumblr Survivor Guyana: Fans Vs. Favorites 7... who am I kidding? Guacamole Jones doesn't just give up that easily. Aidan and Dani had expressed that they wanted to flip before the whole TJ fiasco. If I can find a way to separate myself from him and squeeze my fat ass into any cracks i can, then I will. but it will probably end in me having to do a bit more exposing to Aidan about Alyssa. (specifically about her leaking info to me.) If I can get them to my side, I have them as allies, and I also have Chelsea. so hypothetically that would be 4 ( + 1 with Aidan's vote steal) vs 3, and we can easily sweep the majority. obviously this is an act to save myself, however, this may mean more to me than that. When I said that I wanted people to play their own games, I actually meant it. Everyone deserves to fight for their spot in the game, and should fight for their case to stay. Right now it feels like everyone is playing into Alyssa's hand, and i'm not here for it at all. so i'm gonna try to do something about it.

Buckle up bitches, it's "Tea-Time" with Jess.

Today's Topic is: "Another round, another mess".

I'm going through some SHIT.

The last couple of rounds I've been trying to do the whole "let's minimize Jess's threat level" and that shit isn't working out. I'm ironically getting credit for moves and taking out people who I can honestly say I had no say in whatsoever. I've literally done nothing in this game except be a NUMBER. The only move I've made? Is getting out Sammy but I don't think I can take FULL CREDIT FOR THAT.

So I'm kind of annoyed I'm getting way more credit than I deserve because I've been down this path before. People are using myself/Alyssa as their shields and making the moves they want to do because they won't get the blame BECAUSE NO MATTER WHAT: Alyssa and I will. That'll get us taken out of this game within the next couple of rounds GUARANTEED.

I've compromised so much in this game. I basically screwed my relationship with TJ up. That shit sucks but as a player he's DANGEROUS but he was my kind of dude? Hopefully he can see the numbers/odds are stacked against him and he'll have no choice BUT TO WORK WITH ME. So let's pray that happens or else big yikes x10000.

On the next next subject that is ANNOYING ME TO NO GOD DAMN END.

J-O-N-E-S <INSERT KERMIT HANGING HIMSELF MEME HERE>. I don't get the appeal as her as a PLAYER. I get the appeal for her as a PERSON OUTSIDE OF THE GAME..... she seems awesome, relatable, funny.

HOWEVER IN THIS GAME SHE'S: Messy, annoying, and CAN NOT BE TRUSTED.

YET..... the person I consider my #1, the person who I've basically fucked up my game multiple times for bye putting my foot down every time someone tries to take her out.... STILL FUCKING TRUSTS HER?! <INSERT I DON'T UNDERSTAND DANCING GIF HERE>. I DON'T G-E-T- I-T. Jones went around last round spreading Alyssa's name. I'm almost 99.9% CERTAIN. It's so obvious she threw fucking Alyssa under the bus with the Dani vote. That shit came out when Maynor wasn't even ON. HOW DOES SHE NOT SEE THIS?!

All signs are pointing to Jones selling Alyssa out. Detective Jess will take a look at the EVIDENCE: 1. Maynor was not on when TJ was spreading the fact that Alyssa threw out Dani's name. 2. Alyssa only told Maynor/Jones about the Dani vote (50% chance Jones did it.. YAY MATH!). 3. JONES ADMITTED SHE KNEW MAYNOR THREW HER UNDER THE BUS BUT DID NOT TELL HER? LIKE WHAT KIND OF CRACK IS SHE SMOKING?! 4. We've shaded Jones twice in a row with a vote. Of course home girl doesn't TRUST YOU IN THIS GAME. 5. Jones was M.I.A yesterday however, in the main chat she said she'd be ON.

Alyssa not believing Jones had anything to do with her name going around last vote is something I can't look past. I'm at a loss with what to do right now.

ALSO them adding me to the GOLDEN QUEENS when I SPECIFICALLY asked them to do it after this game is SO SUSPECT. All of a sudden I fucking tell Alyssa I'm doubting Jones... I get added to a casual chat with Jones?! I don't fucking understand these people. How obvious do you think this is? Do you think I was born fucking a second ago? I'm just-

D O N E

This stage of the game is crucial for me personally. I don't believe the F5 will consist of myself, Jess, Alyssa, Dani, and Aidan. I think that Dani is over-paranoid more often than not, and Aidan will be smart enough to not let his advantage go to waste.

I am trying to plant a seed in Alyssa's head that we need to flip on Dani and Aidan at the F7, and hopefully she bites the bait. If this works, maybe we can boot Alyssa and leave Jess scrambling? I would rather sit with Dani and Aidan in the F3

I’m over like, 80% of these people. They really think they’re being “slick” or “sneaky” or “good at the game” just because they’re being vague with me? That’s 👏 not 👏 how 👏 I 👏 ROLL 👏 HONEY 👏👏👏 like HONESTLY did they really think I wouldn’t realize I’m getting voted out? Ofc alyssa wants to go to the end with most of these people, it’s bc they’re so obviously bad at being slick. ON TOP OF ALL OF IT you think you can get away with being “sneaky” after you blindsided me NOT ONCE, NOT TWICE, BUT 3 FUCKING TIMES? Lied to my FACE??? Okay. Sure. Play like that. God, these people are really playing into alyssa’s hand, huh? Do they not want to play for themself for once? That’s literally the only thing I want from everyone. Actually that’s not true but its fine. I want them to be HONEST AND TELL ME IM BEING VOTED OUT. AAAAAND I want them to play for themselves. Like play the fucking game or don’t sign up for it imo. I’m over it. Thank god people like Aidan exists though. He seems like he’s genuinely ready to fuck shit up, and I’m just excited to call him and expose the fuck out alyssa. Hell, even if I get voted out, I trust him to go against the grain and actually take a stance. He’s the hero of the season for a REASON lmao. But yeah I’ll keep y’all posted, but It looks like I’m getting 8th place! Which !!! Doesn’t!!!! SOund!!!!! GOOD AT ALL!!! Last time I found out I wasn’t getting voted Johnny as worried about my mental well being. Let’s just,,,, hope for the best this time LMao

I. Dont. Like. Sneaks. In touchy subjects, i was voted as the person who has no idea what's going on, but apparently TJ made a chat with everyone but Dani, Aidan, and I to keep himself safe?? I have talked to him every day at some point and I'm PISSED that he tried to make a chat to potentially target one of us three (who AREN'T EVEN THREATS) to keep himself safe. I will work with anyone who stays loyal and doesn't make everything a shit show, but when you talk to me all the time and go behind my back........ bye. If he stays, he has some explaining to do. Maybe he *knows* i wouldn't vote for him and doesn't see why I should be in on the chat, but in this case, I SHOULD have been in on it. If I find out that he wants to target me, haaaaaaaahahahaa.

I guess 5th and 8th isn't the worst record ever... It just sucks this is how it's going to end.

I think TJ is finally going home since we kinda forced him to use his idol last tribal. Idk I’m tired

Hi so Aidan is literally the love of my life?? We’re actually on the same page/have the same allies and whatnot, so I’m feeling a lot better knowing that we’re allies. We basically agreed that TJ is too much of a fucking mess to keep around right now, so if we get him out then we’ll still have majority on the rest of the group!! So woohoo!!! Also? TJ proposed that there’s an all fans alliance and tbh I totally forgot we were playing Fans v Favorites. Just Bc aidan specifically wanted to target alyssa the round before. But legit,,,, why wouldn’t you target alyssa is my question??? Um but yeah I wouldn’t be shocked if i got votes tonight, but we shall see?? Hopefully I live to see another round, but right now I wanna fuckin sleep

Okay #2. TJ seems to think that Jess and Devon would vote Dani with me and him which just isn't true. I will not vote Dani because she hasn't caused any issues for me or made me feel threatened. TJ making his chat in the first place tells me that he was perfectly fine if me, Dani, or Aidan went home, but I guess as long as someone else said the name, he wouldn't get as much shit for it. He has really put a target on his back by doing this and I am a little bit hurt by it. But contrary to TJ's belief about voting tonight, we're not as divided as he thinks we are.

Me this round:

Very happy that I have immunity again but I already know that people are going to start saying I'm an "immunity threat" and it's going to annoy me. People look for ANY reason to point a target on anyone and I'm sort of expecting it? I'm already preparing responses for those kind of things.

Today was interesting because TJ was apparently desperate and making pleas to everybody that could listen (which somehow excluded Dani, Chelsea and I) but he eventually made his rounds to Dani anyway. I'm really hoping that he goes tonight because he tanked his whole game and I want him to feel EMBARRASSED and DEVASTATED for even daring to cross me in the way he did. If he listened to me and just followed my lead then he'd still be in the game WITH an idol. Thomas Pascucci is a passive aggressive little snake who loves to play the victim... but I'm hoping as we move into the 7 things get interesting.

I had a good talk with Jonesy today that confirmed a lot of my suspicions and she told me that she wanted to get out Alyssa. I was shook because I thought they were close, which they are, because I had heard she was in her confessional or something. I don't care but this anxious bitch better not be trying to play me either... but Devon seems to want to make a move too because he mentioned something about me/Dani/him needing to decide the next move. I feel like something ALWAYS goes down at 7 in Survivor history so I think everybody is anxious going into this next vote. My talk with Jones also brought my trust for Jess into question... there's a lot she kept from me (and a lot I kept from her, I do admit) but she's equally as messy but I think getting rid of Alyssa will force her into my back pocket more.

At this point there are a lot of small sub groups and alliances and deals and I don't even have an idea who the jury would love or hate. I like to think I have a good shot but it might be my ego... it's all going to be based on who tries to CLAIM different moves I think, or who gets crazy at this point in the game.

In regards to Devon I trust him more now after this round. I think he's more committed to the Massholes F3 than Alyssa/Jess but I'm not sure. I want to get on a call with him and feel him out. Maybe I can offer an F2 to him to ensure his loyalty.

But I also want to go the distance with Dani/Jess. It's a very complicated game and I feel like every boot looking forward needs to be INTENTIONAL. The endgame is near and I'm nervous but at least I still have my Opal Idol. I don't want to fuck up using that either.

DRUNK CONFESSIONAL WOOOO

I keep thinking to myself "how the fuck did i make F7?" because part of me is like,, genuinely shocked i've made it this far? It doesn't really feel real? But then I like, remind myself of where I started in this game and how it got me to where I am now. And THEN i started thinking about Ko Chang, and then I keep thinking about how much I've grown since then? last time around F7 I was like,, cowering in fear that the majority alliance would destroy me? or something like that? it was a few months ago i just remember crying a lot. BUT WOW!! I really did it huh. Final 7. I feel like this time i'm actually comfortable enough to like,,,, do things now. I'd like to say I set myself up pretty nicely? My talk with Aidan was really successful and we're gonna try taking out Alyssa this round with Dani and Chelsea. Worst case scenario - we still have Aidan's vote steal. If alyssa wins immunity - we'll probably go for Jess? we haven't really talked about that yet? but oh well. we'll have to wait and see. hopefully my 14/20 in the spelling bee is good enough <3

Twelve Hours Later........

Wow 👏 love it when 👏 the one thing 👏 that I want to 👏 NOT 👏 happen 👏 FUCKING 👏 HAPPENS 👏👏👏 So like ok alyssa won immunity and I was THJS FUCKJNG CLOSE KM GONNA PISS MY PANTS ok ok besides the point everything’s fine it’s totally fine we’re all fine hahahahjaha But ummm I already talked to Aidan about what we should do and I think we’re both in agreeance that Jess should go? I think she’s the next best thing behind alyssa. Plus even if she doesn’t go,, I want her to HAVE VOTES LIKE !!!! JOIN THE CLUB!!! But also,, part of me is worried that i’m getting played. While I think aidan’s a genuine person when it comes to wanting the big threats out - how am I supposed to know if he thinks I’M one of the big threats, yk? But I do genuinely think he wants Alyssa/Jess/Devon out before anyone else. Even if that eventually leaves me vulnerable at F4, that’s fine. I can always go on an immunity run or smth if I ever become good at comps :)

But rn,, in the words of Jonathan Stockton: “I’m going to kms”

Dear Jones, If there's ONE thing I've learnt in this game..... it's to NEVER trust a girl who cries more than a pregnant lady.. ever.

Your crocodile tears don't phase me one bit. I've been saying for a while now that you're sketchier than a crackhead in an alleyway.

Your attempt at screwing me over was expected.. Your attempt to screw over Alyssa.... now that shit hurts. That's your BEST FRIEND Jones.. someone who literally has vouched for you to SOOO many people when they were coming after you (me included).

I HONESTLY WANT YOU GONE LIKE.... YESTERDAY.

No amount of dad jokes or Kermit memes are gonna get her out of this mess..

However, I do have ONE LAST DAD JOKE FOR YOU.

Me: Jones, I'm on I'm the jury. Jones: Hi I'm on the jury, I'm dad.. oh wait.

Sincerely, Jess. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The fact that Aidan hasn't come to me yet with the fucking lies Jones has been spreading is concerning. I can't try and save his ass now because of that. I want to save him but how the fuck do I try and defend the guy who is paranoid about me? I could sell out Devon but that does me NO GOOD right now.

7th here I come?!

I feel like every round I say something to someone I risk getting exposed. LIKE ???? Ik I said I felt okay before but I feel like I’m /too/ okay if that makes sense. I told Aidan that his name and Chelsea’s name was thrown out there by Devon. He THINKS that Chelsea’s the one who threw it out there though. Which ISNT how it was supposed to work!! We had a plan to get out Jess what are you dOING!!! NOW aidan’s gonna go to Devon to see where he heard it from. Like???? Might as well just call me out for being a snake now before it’s too late :) why’d Alyssa have to win immunity. She’s the only person who COULDNT WIN!! Why? Bc I HAD TO WIN OR ELSE ID BE DEAD. THIS ISNT HOW IT’S SUPPOSED TO WORK IN MY FANTASY!!!!!  But,, at least it’s not my name out there. Better anyone else but mine :0 so I don’t think my name will come up? I think the only person who came up with my name was Aidan, and now he’s like,, my new best friend? So yeehaw that’s nice. ,,,,, hopefully The Godfather— I MEAn alyssa doesn’t catch on to my snakiness.

Ugh this group is so nice and there is no particular person that I want to vote out over the other. Devon and Jones seem to want to vote with me and Aidan has talked to me a bunch. Aidan has been my social game person meaning he gives me info on people and has helped me a few times with staying safe and making moves. Last round, he told me about the chat that TJ made which I would have never known about if he didn't tell me. It wasn't a huge deal because people didn't respond and ended up voting him anyway, but still! Knowing that TJ voted me and was potentially targeting me with other people before tribal was information that I needed and Aidan provided. Even though the vote was unanimous, it was still a good thing to band together with him and Dani to make sure a few others were on the same page for the TJ vote.

Now that TJ is gone, I honestly do not know who to vote next. Do I vote Aidan because even though he has been super helpful, he is still a social threat and is killing challenges? Do I vote Dani because I have talked to her least? Do I vote Jess because it would break up the suspicious Jess/Alyssa duo? Do I vote Jones or Devon just because? I don't know what's going to happen tonight because people might have idols to use (or maybe not!) At this point in the game, I'll be sad with whoever goes but I'm ready to vote anyone who isn't me. Maybe that makes me a huge biotch, but it will get me to where I need to be, especially because I haven't played my best game this season. If I do go home tonight, I'm just happy I made it into the single digits :)

So like, I'm finally coming back around to potentially work with Devon, Jess, and Alyssa which I'm happy about because with me, we are the majority this round. At first I wasn't completely against voting Jess, but after hearing that my name was out there and reaching out to Devon, I needed to talk to Jess and see what she wanted to do. Then, Devon told me that if I want Aidan out, going to Jones and Dani isn't a great idea (since they are probs working together), so I needed to tread lightly from then on out. Thank god I never initially gave a clear answer to Jones and Dani on who I definitely want gone because Aidan might have a vote steal and will come for me or all of us lmfao.

I told Jones that I wasn't totally against voting Jess and told Dani and Jones that I wanted to vote with them, just to give them the idea that they would have majority with Aidan....(but I'm not. I am so sorry for flipping on y'all.) I feel awful lying to people because I hate being completely blindsided and not knowing who to trust, but I am doing this vote for me to help MY game.

I feel so dirty with this vote because I know I am going to lose trust in Jones and Dani, AND Aidan if this doesn't work and he ends up staying. I am the swing vote though and so I feel like I have a lot of pressure on me. Do I vote with Dani, Aidan, and Jones to get Jess out? Or do I vote with my Hosororo people and vote out Aidan? Jess is not a threat to me, because I feel like we play a similar game but I may talk to more people. She seems more predictable imo than Aidan. Aidan however, has won multiple challenges, has a killer social game, and poses as a much bigger threat to me if I was to make it farther in the game with him.

I need to vote to benefit myself for this round and that means I need Aidan gone. I am not good enough to win in challenges against someone like Aidan but I think I *might* have a chance if he gets voted out this round.

I lost immunity by ONE and I'm pissed because now I'm a ball of anxiety and mess. I feel like fucking Jess the way I think I'm going home.

Right now I think it's going to be a straightforward Chelsea vote but stranger fucking things have happened? I'm expecting something wild to go down but my senses aren't tingling that something is happening /to me/ so I'm likely gonna save my Opal Idol for next week which is the last week that I can play it!

I don't know how I feel about the game going forward because there are a lot of deals and I think people trust me but I'm not sure. I'm really solid with my Massholes F3 but also my sub deal with Jess and I really trust a majority of this game. Other people? Not so much.

I think if Chelsea goes we'll definitely have an interesting F6 round

Confessional #3 because things can never just be simple. I ate a bowl of ice cream so now I'm all sugar and FIRED UP. You know what? I'm not feeling so bad if Aidan goes home tonight because apparently he wanted me out and thinks it's gonna be a 6-1 vote against me. Tbh I'm pissed lmao. Devon is telling Jones to vote me so that she doesn't suspect me and Devon working together, so I'm not reaching out to her or Dani anymore until they come to me. Devon doesn't think that Jones will vote for me but honestly who knows? Jones also thinks that I would vote Jess so I can't be too mad if people turn around and vote me. This is probably the round that best describes the "outwit" portion of the game because we're down to 7 people and half of the tribe had their names going around (me, Aidan, Jess, even Dani because Aidan tried to bait me into saying I would vote her.)

JESUS. Now Devon's name has been brought up. Devon told Jones that maybe I should go to get rid of any suspicion that I am working with him, but now apparently Jones told Aidan we should vote Devon..... I'm literally shook by how many names we have filtered through. Who knows, maybe this will be a 6-1 vote for me and I'm going home.

If I go home tonight, I'm telling them in my final words that I had an idol but didn't think I needed it this round, so I gave it to someone else.... and to have fun figuring out who it is :)

I'm literally? so fucking mindboggled right now? i don't know whether I should feel sick or not. like,,, I thought Aidan and I were "on the same wavelength" or something like that. suddenly at 9:45 (15 minutes before tribal might i add) he's just like "we can't do this" like??? YES WE CAN!!! THIS IS THE ONLY LOGICAL TIME TO USE THE FUCKING VOTE STEAL!!!!!!! IF WE USE IT AT F6 WE CAN ONLY TIE IT, BUT IT'LL BE USELESS BECAUSE WE CAN'T USE THE STEAL IN A FUCKING REVOTE!!! THERE IS!!! NO POINT!!!!!!!!!!!!! literally,, if I knew the temptation was a fucking vote steal and I knew I'd end up in THIS SITUATION RIGHT NOW then this wouldn't be an issue. I sound like an asshole. but oh!! my!!! GOD!!! YOU SAY YOU WANNA MAKE A MOVE!!! THSI IS THE FUCKING MOMENT!!!! MAKE THE GODDAMN MOVE OR YOU'RE GETTING PICKED OFF IN THIS FUCKING GAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 I really can't believe this. and I thought I had hope. sorry i'm so fucking pissed i'm probably gonna lose chelsea over this. this is not her time to go. I fucking hate this. everyone in this game needs to step the fuck up and i'm angry. i'm probably gonna regret this tomorrow, but i don't fucking care.

We were gonna get alyssa out this round for being shady with jones. But she won the immunity. Now we are getting Chelsea I think. I was going to make a video but I’m so tired.  Loool sorry

Aidan has been bothering me about flipping the votes over and over again from Chelsea to Jones to Jess

I know this is coming to the end, so big moves NEED to be made. I'll be throwing Chelsea a bone of trust and see if she grabs at it. If all works well, maybe we can get the most powerful player out of the game??? Last male standing

[coquuin]

u bet ur fuckin ass im sending myself an ask meme bc fuck you no one else will so shit SOMEONE gotta. all the questions for Ezekiel bay bee

the amount of fucks that i do not give is unreal

1. How does your character think of their father? What do they hate and love about him? What influence - literal or imagined - did the father have?

well shit both of Ezekiel’s parents died when he was 3 so obviously he hardly has any memories of them, but! Ezekiel’s father was.. fucking hilarious! the dude had an amazing sense of humor–mightve been a stand up comedian, although not a huge known one?? he was always smiling and just trying to make people laugh! especially loved to make his son laugh the most.

so as you can easily imagine, 3-year-old Ezekiel obviously loved his father. i mean, why wouldnt he. although now that his father is long dead and ezekiel has pretty much forgotten him by this point, his opinion towards what very little he DOES remember of his dad is just like.. “why were you so fucking happy all the time? what was there to be happy about?” but, like i said, seeing as Ezekiel has completely forgotten him, he’s pretty neutral on him and doesnt really have much of an opinion.

2. Their mother? How do they think of her? What do they hate? Love? What influence - literal or imagined - did the mother have?

opinion wise, it’s the exact same deal as his father–seeing as both parents died at the same time. so he neither dislikes or likes her! hes just neutral.

however, as for her personality, she was honestly like the polar opposite of the dad. she was calm and collected, and a little intense. a very blunt woman who would not be afraid to call you out on your bullshit! sort of like Ezekiel now actually :) a lot of her mannerisms and personality traits literally resemble Ezekiel to a T, which he obviously doesnt even realize seeing as his mom has been, yknow, dead for all his life. but underneath that tough exterior, she was a very sweet woman! she was probably a doctor tbh.

4. What type of discipline was your character subjected to at home? Strict? Lenient?

IN THE CULT.. it was like a literal living hell and EXTREMELY strict. which is exactly what this cult wanted! seeing as it was a Satanic cult especially. BUT UHHH.. i cant go too in depth on how everything was like in that orphanage, but if you REALLY wanna know all the gross details literally just do some research on Satanism or Satanic Cults and youll be sure to find some pretty gross stuff. all of that is what happened to Ezekiel there!

the things i can mention though!! every child had to wear the same uniform every day, they all had the same exact hairstyle (boys had a short bowlcut, girls had long hair which they were absolutely not allowed to style or put up). they were, of course, beaten severely if the orphanage staff saw fit to do so. medieval torture methods were used on them, especially for sacrifices. they were bluntly told, “if you try to leave, the Devil will kill every single one you love and come for you last”–which is honestly why Ezekiel always talks about how “the devil is out to get him” or why Ezekiel feels that he cant get close to anyone, bc he just expects the devil to kill anyone he gets close to! bc, yknow, he ran away. the kids were also often forced to eat or drink bodily fluids which Yeah is fucking disgusting. they only had one meal a day, and said meal was very small–so a lot of the kids starved, and thats why Ezekiel is such a picky eater and refuses to eat a lot of the time! bc hes just so used to having only one tiny meal a day, just enough for him to survive on, and any more than one small meal he always feels like he’s wasted too much money or something. a lot of sexual abuse went on too. YOU GET THE IDEA BY NOW IM SURE SO.. YEAH, IT WAS… BAD BAD BAD.

5. Were they overprotected as a child? Sheltered?

EXTREMELY SHELTERED. he and the other kids in the orphanage were absolutely not allowed to go outside whatsoever. this was because the caretakers told them “THE OUTSIDE WORLD WANTS TO CORRUPT YOU, SO YOU MUST ABSOLUTELY NOT INTERACT WITH ANYTHING THAT IS OUTSIDE OF THESE DOORS!!!” and were EXTREMELY strict on that rule. one time, Ezekiel had snuck out when he was about 7, and brought in stray kittens, which he hid in his room! it wasnt long until his roommates snitched on him and the caretakers straight up just fucking cut off every kitten’s head right in front of lil Ezekiel and then proceeded to beat him afterward. so that kinda fucked him up!!! this is what led to Ezekiel’s reclusive behavior now and his generally being totally silent when he’s around anyone he doesn’t know (although he has gotten a lot better about the talking thing! albeit the fact when he does talk chances are he is saying something very mean. BUT STILL!). even now, he completely secludes himself in his small apartment, even going so far as boarding up all his windows to block the sunlight altogether. well ok he also boarded them up bc he has an extremely bad habit of trying to break the glass but. the sunlight thing too!

6. Did they feel rejection or affection as a child?

REJECTION OFC. the orphanage caretakers never even referred to him by his name–instead, they called every child by numbers. in Ezekiel’s case, it was #34. even now, that is his least favorite number.

8. How does your character feel about religion?

he may not seem like it, but Ezekiel is VERY VERY VERY religious!!! after he ran away from the orphanage and later moved to L.A., he actually did convert to Christianity! he always wears a golden cross necklace around his neck and he feels like it protects him from evil spirits–obviously thats all in his head as no evil spirits are really out to get him, but it’s a big big BIG comfort item to him. he can easily recite a shit ton of Bible verses bc he reads that damn thing all the fucking time man. in general, his faith in god is a huge fucking comfort for him, as he always fears the devil is out to get him and whatnot–its nice to think that he may actually have god on his side to protect him.

10. Is your character street-smart, book-smart, intelligent, intellectual, slow-witted?

honestly??? hes all over the fuckin place. he surprisingly does have some street smarts to him (from having been literally fucking homeless for a while).

although the only thing he’s really book-smart with is languages–he’s a big linguist! but otherwise, he kinda sucks at smart stuff like math or science or stuff like that–bc he never went to school! he did learn how to read while in the orphanage, but that was really about it.

not too intelligent either??? thats mostly bc he’s literally been secluded from interacting with people like all his life, so he’s just not really good at like.. reading people? and has little to no life skills bc no one ever taught him??

12. How does their education and intelligence – or lack thereof - reflect in their speech pattern, vocabulary, and pronunciations?

ok so despite the fact that Ezekiel never went to school, his vocabulary is actually pretty big! although like i said, he did learn to read in the cult so. that really isnt too much of an issue. but he’s very very interested in literature and language as a whole, and always was even as a child! so even now, he devotes a lot of his time to studying that kind of stuff, and his way of speaking definitely shows it–well, if you can get behind the constant swearing, anyway.

16. What does your character do for a living? How do they see their profession? What do they like about it? Dislike?

he’s the guitarist of the rock band Rogue! his feelings on playing in a band in general is kinda.. conflicting, really. he isnt sure if he enjoys it or hates it. for one, he actually has HUGE stage fright–though he has gotten a bit better about it after playing on stage so many times by now, but it’s still a recurring issue with him and can sometimes cause complications within the band. it certainly is very anxiety-inducing for him, but at the same time… he cant bring himself to just quit, either. not even he himself is sure why he still puts up with the band, but he finds himself drawn to it quite often. he is very very very proud of being able to write music and have it be shown to millions of people though–hearing the band’s singer, Augustine, sing his lyrics to crowds, and the crowd loving it, is probably one of the biggest things that can make Ezekiel happy.

17. Did they travel? Where? Why? When?

well, his first travel was from London, England to Los Angeles, California! and thats where he eventually joined the band! and, yknow, being in a band that tours quite often, now he definitely has to travel a lot. which he absolutely hates. he would much rather just stay home in his stupid secluded cheap ass apartment, but hey, u gotta do what u gotta do

23. What do they want from a partner? What do they think and feel of sex?

when it comes to partners, ezekiel honestly doesnt expect too much from them–just a mutual understanding of each other is all he truly asks for, which should really go without saying in a relationship anyway.

hes not really one for sex! not to say he never wants to do it, though. he does have a lower sex drive than most people though–and the moments he does do it with his partner, it’s gonna have to be very gentle. he couldnt handle anything too rough tbh. also hes a total bottom so jot that down-

26. What does your character’s home look like? Personal taste? Clothing? Hair? Appearance?

his home is a fucking MESS. he has a tendency to destroy the entire room whenever he’s having one of his temper tantrums, and this is pretty evident all over Ezekiel’s apartment, bc he doesnt even bother to clean up afterwards. the only time he really cleans up his own mess at home is if its like, food or a drink or something bc he isnt that bad about it but. every room at his apartment looks like a fucking tornado hit him or something. and he couldnt care less what his home looks like! like as long as Ezekiel has a bed, he’ll be alright. he doesnt even like big homes all that much, and prefers to live in something simple and relatively small.

as for clothing, Ezekiel usually just goes for simple stuff. Especially wears a lot of jackets, hoodies, the like. a lot of baggy-ish clothing going on, but he actually is pretty fashionable believe it or not!

hair wise, Ezekiel just has.. no fucks to give. he hardly puts much care to his hair at all tbh. its just naturally curly and a little messy, but at least he keeps it fairly short so it doesnt get too bad. its probably a lil greasy tho.. someone make this boy take a gotdamn SHOWER

29. What is your character’s weaknesses? Hubris? Pride? Controlling?

theres probably several tbh IJOISJERIJ

but most of all, probably both his paranoia and his stubbornness? like he can hardly even function in every day life bc he cANT EVEN COME OUT OF HIS HOUSE BC HES SO PARANOID OVER EVERYTHING. and oh my GOD Ezekiel is so goddamn infuriatingly stubborn like GODDAMN. sometimes its just practically impossible to get through to this guy whatsoever. ezekiel can honestly be a pain in the ass

30. Are they holding on to something in the past? Can he or she forgive?

HE REMEMBERS PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING SINGLE FUCKING THING FROM THE CULT.. AND OH GOD DOES IT PLAGUE HIS MIND EVERY SINGLE DAY. like his entire childhood in that orphanage still is so fresh and prevalent in his head that he quite often has hallucinations of the events that happened there, especially when he sees certain things. like cats, for example! seeing a cat will literally send Ezekiel into immediate panic and he genuinely thinks he’s back at the orphanage where he watched those stray kittens i mentioned earlier get their lil heads cut off and he’ll repeat over and over, “their heads are gone, their heads are gone, their heads are gone-” bECAUSE. ITS LIKE HES THERE ALL OVER AGAIN! which is, of course.. yet another reason he hardly ever comes out of his home! bc he thinks “well if i just dont go out then that means i cant see anything triggering that will make me have another panic attack.”

as for forgiving his abusers? OH HAHA ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOT. HE HOPES THEY ALL DIE OR HAVE ALREADY DIED IN THE MOST BRUTAL WAYS POSSIBLE.

32. How does your character react to stress situations? Defensively? Aggressively? Evasively?

Ezekiel either:A) GETS REALLY FUCKING PISSED AND START DESTROYING EVERYTHING IN THE ROOMB) HAVE A WHOLE ASS MENTAL BREAKDOWN AND PANIC

33. Do they drink? Take drugs? What about their health?

unfortunately, Ezekiel is very much an addict :( he’s a big alcoholic, and also does cocaine, ecstasy, pain killers, xanax, and maybe some other shit i cant think of off the top of my head. but! hes.. a mess…. save him

35. Do they always rationalize errors? How do they accept disasters and failures?

it depends on the person/people around him! because with anyone that he hardly knows? then he doesnt really give a shit and easily brushes it off, because he honestly doesnt care what strangers think of him anyway. but around people that hes actually close to and he cares about? THEN OOF. HE CAN POSSIBLY HAVE A WHOLE PANIC ATTACK BC HE REALLY DOESNT WANT TO LET HIS LOVED ONES DOWN..

36. Do they like to suffer? Like to see other people suffering?

of course not!!! although its.. not impossible for him to enjoy someone elses suffering. you would just have to like, REAAALLY fucking do him wrong for him to be like that, which is pretty hard even for him. like the orphanage caretakers! i assure u if they suffered Ezekiel would LOVE that. 

37. How is your character’s imagination? Daydreaming a lot? Worried most of the time? Living in memories?

most of the time hes living in memories, for sure. either that, or he’s just kinda stressed or anxious! but not always necessarily a bad anxious tho! like if hes around someone that he actually likes, he’ll be VERY anxious, but like in a good way! just kinda excited yknow. BUT MOST OF THE TIME, ITS BAD OFC.

38. Are they basically negative when facing new things? Suspicious? Hostile? Scared? Enthusiastic?

VERY SCARED AND DISTRUSTFUL, PRETTY HOSTILE!!! remember hes fucking paranoid about every little thing rip.

40. How is their sense of humor? Do they have one?

well, most of ezekiel’s jokes involve swearing and yelling, so probably that! Angery……

42. What does your character want most? What do they need really badly, compulsively? What are they willing to do, to sacrifice, to obtain?

i think probably like.. parents tbh. or at least a parental figure. he’s only had one person who was like a father to him, but that guy is all the way back in London so Ezekiel hasnt seen him since :( and tbh for like most of his life, he’d always assumed that not having parents was like.. just whatever, yknow? bc you cant really miss something that was never there. but, after he ran away from the cult and he saw like.. people, he saw a lot of happy families and whatnot and just!! hes really jealous of anyone who has a functional, happy family now. it isnt so much that he misses his birth parents, just that he wants to have some kind of parental figure in general. someone that he feels he can actually call family.

44. How badly do they want to obtain their life objectives? How do they pursue them?

what’s sad? the fact that ezekiel… doesnt really have any life objectives! the only objective he really has is to survive. thats literally it. he just doesnt want “the devil” to take him–and to escape the devil’s wrath, ezekiel immerses himself in his religion and staying inside all day and night so that he doesnt have to talk to anyone! thats basically about it

46. Is your character tall? Short? What about size? Weight? Posture? How do they feel about their physical body?

he’s pretty tall! 6′3″! although for his weight, i swear to god hes like.. a fucking twig. i mean theres that whole “he only eats one small meal a day” thing, so ofc you can imagine that probably has an effect on his weight. BUT! that isnt the only reason hes so skinny! it’s also bc he has Klinefelter Syndrome, which is when a male is born with an extra X chromosome. so as a result of that, he is a little taller than most people, is very skinny, has weak bones, and breasts! and some other symptoms but i dont feel like listing every single thing so fuck y

as for posture, Ezekiel is usually a liiiittle slouched, but not terribly so! when hes stressed, however, he always stands up completely straight!

ezekiel absolutely fucking hates his body, though. he knows full well that hes not.. the most attractive–ugly, even. you know that “your toes, hand em over” meme? yeah, he looks like that a little bit. his body honestly looks pretty fucking freaky. ALSO HE HAS A LITERAL MICROPENIS SO THATS A THING! all in all, Ezekiel just… is very very very scared of showing off his body to anyone honestly. extremely insecure!

47. Do they want to project an image of a younger, older, more important person? Does they want to be visible or invisible?

Ezekiel actually puts on this whole temperamental asshole front specifically to MAKE people hate him! thats why hes so quick to be like “FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT TWAT YOU GODDAMN WANKER FUCK YOU”! because, yknow, most people are usually gonna hate anyone who says that kind of stuff to them and as a result they hopefully wont wanna talk to him! which is exactly what Ezekiel wants. yep, Ezekiel wants everyone to hate him! because if everyone hates him, then they wont talk to him, and if they dont talk to him, then he doesnt risk of getting close to anyone and getting his heart broken all over again! hes a mess……

49. What about voice? Pitch? Strength? Tempo and rhythm of speech? Pronunciation? Accent?

TBH FOR REFERENCE YOU CAN JUST LIKE.. LISTEN TO MURDOC NICCALS’ VOICE BC THATS HIS VC BUT. his voice can switch between either somewhat slow or extremely fast! it all depends on his mood. in his normal speaking voice, when hes neither upset or happy or anything, his words come out a little slow, but not terribly so. pretty normal, mostly. but if hes excited, whether bad or good, he speeds up when he talks a LOT. so much so that he doesnt even let himself breathe when hes talking! just like “FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOUIHATEYOUYOUGODDAMNSTUPIDTWATAAAAAA”

his voice in general is a little hoarse! although he has gotten much better about talking to people (even if he is mean when he talks), he did go through practically his whole childhood just.. not talking to people very much at all. so that kinda shows in his voice now? but its not too bad. he has a pretty low-ish voice too.

as for pronounciation and accent, again literally just listen to Murdoc’s voice bc its p much exactly the same as him but. he has a very thick london-cockney accent?? i sure hope thats accurate anyway, im not British so im not 100% sure on British accents but.

50. What are the prevailing facial expressions? Sour? Cheerful? Dominating?

THIS MOTHERFUCKER HAS THE WORST RESTING BITCH FACE IN THE HISTORY OF RESTING BITCH FACE.

ok ill just draw this one

his resting face!

AMGERY!!!!!

talking to his friends!!!

PANICKING

theres probably more i could draw, but in general, Ezekiel is VERY expressive tho! its pretty easy to read all of his expressions and emotions.