#kei isn’t in underwear they are shorts based on ones i am wearing RIGHT NOW!

[girls-kissing]

they deserve a solid nap

[leafs-lover]

Because Two People Got Drunk: 12

Series Masterlist

Summary:  You take your first trip away without Oliver, and explore your relationship with Fred

Warnings: Angst, smut, male and female oral sex, swearing,

Word Count: 3400

Chapter 12

February 16, 2022

There is a knock on the door at about 9:30am, you’re still in your sweats, hair in a loose messy bun as you hold Oliver. If your being honest you likely have spit up somewhere on you. You open and see Sid and Kathy on the other side letting them in.

Fred walks up behind you “hey guys” he is dressed in jeans and a Nike hoodie with a ball cap. So casual yet, all you can think about is what’s underneath that sweater. The last couple weeks there have been glances, and grazes that you originally told yourself was an accident but now you aren’t so sure. “Thanks for watching Ollie.”

“Watching Ollie?” you question. Based on your clothes you clearly had no idea you were going anywhere.

“Yeah it’s all-star break, so we’re watching little man while you and Fred take a trip. You leave at noon” Kathy says.

You stare at Fred “go get ready, I’ll pack up Oliver’s things” he says grabbing Oliver from you. You try to protest but Fred basically pushes you in the bathroom forcing you to get ready. After showering and doing your hair and makeup you head to your room to pack and get dressed. Although you have no idea what to wear or pack because you have no idea where you are going.

Kathy sees you walking down the hall; since your room doesn’t have an ensuite, and she follows you heading to the closet. She begins pulling some items “does everything in here fit?” she questions as you nod.

She grabs a couple different outfit choices mostly casual choices. Some jeans, a few light sweaters, a pair of track pants. You wander off to get your makeup and hair supplies and return as she is zipping everything up.

“Where is he taking me?”

“He just wants to show you he appreciates you, and thought you deserved some time away” she shrugs zipping the suitcase up.

“If Oliver’s basinet is here, where is his clothes and stuff?” she questions noticing the room is full of your belongings.

“Well I obviously have a lot of clothes leaving no space for his stuff. So his dresser and closet are in the room that will eventually be his once we move him into his crib, we just aren’t ready for that yet. He’s only 3 months"

“So he sleeps here and you take him to another room every day to get dressed?”

“Well if I had space for his clothes in here I would, I barely fit all my stuff in here.” 

“Have you been looking at apartments?”

“I’ve looked online at some but I’m not really seeing something the size I want within like 20 minutes of here. Not a whole lot out there.” There is a silence before she finally asks what you feel like she has been holding back.

“He told me about the date, said he thought it ended pretty bad. You want to talk about it?”

“Not much to say. He was a douche, spent the whole time talking about himself, was rude to the staff, and when he found out I was only here for a short time he made multiple comments about hooking up. When I took my jacket off and he saw my dress he actually said damn. Just wasn’t a good time, but also made me realize I’m not ready for something right now.”

“Maybe you just need the right person” she says wheeling your bag out to the door.

You look over Ollie’s pile of stuff “Fred did you pack -"

“Yes I packed every single item he needs. And I gave them a key in case I forgot something or he runs out. They are capable adults and Oliver is going to have a great time just like us.”

You pick up Oliver. “This is literally the first time one of us isn’t with him, and we are going for a night too, like not just a couple hours an entire night!” you say tears forming.

Fred pulls you both in tight stroking your hair. “Come on (Y/N/N) you can do this. But the longer you put this off the harder this will be."

Finally you say goodbye and climb in the car as Fred loads your suitcase “geez what did you pack?”

“Nothing Kathy did it all" you say lightly as tears roll down your cheek. Fred climbs in the car and cups your face in his large hands, wiping your tears with his thumb. “You’re fine (Y/N). You’re an amazing mother but you deserve some time without him to recharge your batteries. This will be good yeah?” you nod as he kisses the top of your head. “Oh it’s not one night, were going for two" he says as he puts the car in drive before you can object about leaving Oliver that long.

3 hours later you arrive at Glendorn lodge, it is a large property set on the border of the Allegheny National Forest. They have a few winter activities including snow shoeing and cross country skiing along the trails. You can only imagine the experience in the summer out of the beautiful lake. They have an amazing chef onsite with in room dining options available.

Fred has booked a 4 bedroom cabin with its own fireplace, pool table and games room. It’s a little further from the main resort providing you with privacy throughout your stay. He takes your bag to the master, even though his room also has a king sized bed, yours is slightly larger.

You start unpacking and realize that when you walked away Kathy replaced some of your clothes with some tighter more revealing options. Options you hadn’t worn since before you started breasfeeding, since before you had Oliver. And she also packed some lingerie, like 5 different options as well as revealing matching underwear sets. You groan in disapproval “what was she thinking” you mumble to yourself. After unpacking you venture out and find Fred in the game room “wanna play" he asks nodding to the pool table.

Your first turn you line up the pool cue and connect with the white ball, it goes bouncing off the table “if you expect me to let you win you have to at least try" he jokes picking up the ball. He places it back in the same spot “you get one redo."

You start to line yourself again as you feel Fred come behind you helping you stand and bending your elbow properly. As you follow his directions you rub your ass against his cock “yeah just like that” he chokes out stepping back; definitely haven’t been imagining things you think to yourself.

You connect with the ball ultimately sinking it before missing your next one. You move out of the way as Fred walks up to the table, he lines himself up with the ball and gets into position. You stare at his muscular form as it stretches over the table before connecting his cue to the ball, his shirt rising up slightly in the process. His ass is beautifully on display as he leans forward causing your mouth to water. Fred ends up winning the game, but not until he had a few scratches. You think he was trying to delay the game to give you a chance to win.

After the next game you order dinner to be delivered and you head to change. You decide to wear one of the dresses, not that you really had a choice because of Kathy. You opt for the black chiffon dress with lace sleeves. The dress is short stopping a few inches above your knees and is very low cut, too low cut for a bra. You pair it with your red stilettos loosely pull your curls back, then you make your way to the living where you see your dinner waiting on the table.The lights are off, the only thing illuminating the room is the fire Fred just started in the fireplace.

He hears your heels and turns around “Jesus fuck" you hear him whisper. “Kathy swapped a bunch of my clothes while I left the room” you explain “so I basically only have dresses.”

“You look stunning” he says as you smile.

“You look pretty good too” you respond.

He is wearing a white long sleeve that accentuates his muscles. And a pair of grey jeans that are just tight enough for you to remember his thick thighs underneath them. “No I am wildly underdressed compared to you."

You smile as you walk further into the room. When you walk by Fred he grabs your hand to stop you and places a light kiss on your cheek.

Dinner goes smoothly and you move over to the couch sitting beside Fred, his arm draped over the back of the couch as you face him.

“How do you think he’s doing?” you ask.

“Nope. We aren’t going down that road. Stop feeling guilty for doing something for yourself. Everyone needs a break.”

“I just miss him. He is an amazing kid” you sigh.

“Yeah he really is. I never thanked you.”

“For what?”

“Making me a dad. It’s my single greatest accomplishment. Like nothing else in my life will matter or compare because I have him. He is the best.”

You don’t respond but a smile comes across your face. Fred’s hand moves to rub the back of your neck, a soft moan leaving your lips.

Fred sits up setting both your glasses down on the table “turn around" he says softly. He brings his hands up and begins massaging your neck and shoulders.

“Fuck you’re so tight.”

You laugh “not the first time you’ve said that.” Fred laughs.

He slides his hands under the back of your dress as best as he can while he dives in deeper pushing on your knots. You lean forward from the pressure and put your hands down at your sides seeking something  to grip, something to hold yourself steady, grabbing a hold of his thigh. You hear him exhale before continuing for a few more minutes.

You keep your hand locked on his thigh until he stops and removes his hands from your neck. You become aware of the situation around you, and the path it is heading. “I should get to bed” you say lightly before retreating to your room.

You undress and step into the shower, trying to cool yourself down from that interaction. You become aware that a cold shower isn’t going to be enough and slip your fingers down into your folds.

The next morning you get ready and put on a pair of skinny Jeans with a black low cut sweater. You would normally wear a shirt under it but Kathy didn’t pack one so your boobs are practically exploding from it. Fred tries to not stare, but he does a very bad job as he holds your coat out for you. “After breakfast we’re going to explore the grounds” he explains.

“Ooh I’m excited it’s so pretty here"

After exploring he takes you on a quick drive to a nearby spa for a couples massage. You strip out of your clothes and cover yourself in a robe, you walk into the room and see Fred sitting in his boxers, looking at diagram on the wall. He hears the door and looks to you a smile crosses his face. He watches as you walk to the other side of the room, your back now to him, as you pull your robe off leaving you in only your purple thong. He turns his head to give you some privacy as you make your way to your table, but you still feel him looking from the corner of his eyes. Once you are under your sheets Fred stands, you stare at his abs and his V that leads below his boxers. You are practically drooling while you watch him slide under the sheets.

“That massage was amazing, I haven’t had one since you last took me” you say hanging your coat up in the cabin.

“Seriously, you should go more.”

“I know I really should” you reply. “I’m going to take a nap though, massages always make me sleepy.”

“Okay, dinner will be here at 8.”

When you wake up you shower and do your makeup routine but add a little extra to make your eyes pop as you loosely curl your hair. You head to your closet and decide on a royal blue skinny strap dress . It has a v neck and stops above your knee, with an asymmetrical hem. You pair it with some black heels before making your way downstairs. Fred has the fire lit and blankets set up in front on it with some pillows, soft music plays. The food is waiting on a tray on the floor.  You see him in a pair of grey dress pants with a button up shirt tucked in; he purposely left the top button undone, you gulp at the sight of him.

“Wow" you say causing him to look up, his eyes go large as he takes you in “that’s supposed to be my line" he says smiling “you look amazing”. After dinner Fred clean the plates and returns back to the blankets sitting close to you. You sit there drinking and laughing, you don’t realize how much you’ve had until you pour the remainder of the 3rd bottle into your glass.

“Wow, been a while since we drank this much” he jokes.

“Yeah last time was when we made Oliver” you laugh. You look into his eyes as he hesitantly leans in pressing a light kiss to your lips. You feel his lips gently brushing yours as you give in, wrapping your hands in his hair. He quickly deepens the kiss, as your mouth allows entry for his tongue. He makes quick work of your dress, pulling it off of you revealing your matching strapless black lace bra and thong.

He smirks as he stares at you “I really like what Kathy packed" he says as you both laugh lightly as he kisses your neck. He pushes you onto your back and licks a stripe between your breasts and begins placing kisses on you as you hastily unbutton his shirt.

He unclasps your bra and dives in sucking on your nipple while rolling the other in his hand “mmmm" you moan as your back arches. He slides down peppering kisses down your stomach. When he reaches your thong he kisses your core through the fabric. He bites it and pulls it down to your thighs with his teeth before allowing his hands to pull it the rest of the way. He returns his mouth to where you need him most and licks up your slit feeling your wetness he says “you really did need this eh babe?”

You nod barely able to form words as he licks your folds then begins sucking on your clit. He brings two fingers down and spreads your folds open before thrusting them in you.

You bite your bottom lip as he looks up at you “no baby I need to hear you" you let go and begin moaning his name. He brings your legs on top of his shoulders as he breathes on you. His tongue begins sucking on your clit before he dives lower his tongue licking the inside of your walls. Your hands reach down to grab his hair “Freddie” you groan out as he continues to lick inside you. His other hand comes up to play with your nipples, pinching it as he continues to pump in and out of you slowly.

Your orgasm begins to build as Fred’s pace doesn’t stop, when he recognizes the signs; your thighs tighten around his head. He continues to lick the inside of your walls as your orgasm comes, you grip his hair tighter as you feel yourself spasm around him, filthy sounds leaving your mouth. He doesn’t pull back until you are done, he climbs up you and you see your juices glistening on his lips and beard. He locks your lips into a kiss where you can taste yourself.

“Mmm Fred” you moan. You push him onto his back and straddle him, leaning in to give him a deep passionate kiss. His thumbs rest on your thighs as you see his bulge pressed against his pants as you undo his belt and zipper. You slide his pants and boxers down allowing his hard cock to spring free and slap against his stomach. You use your thumb spreading the precum around before bringing your lips down. You lick the underside as he throws his head back before you finally wrap your lips around him.

It’s been a while since you’ve had him in your mouth, the first few times you bob you gag slightly before getting reacquainted with his size. You set a steady pace, Fred’s hands come to your hair wrapping them in a makeshift ponytail as you pick up your pace. You swirl your tongue around rising up almost completely before you drop your mouth taking him completely in. You bring a hand to massage his balls as you deep throat him “fuck I’m gonna" he pulls you off of him before he can finish. He pulls you up to him and pulls you in for a deep kiss before rolling on top of you.

He pulls away “do I need a condom?”

“I’m on birth control” you state.

“Yeah I heard that before" you both laugh.

“I’m on a different method, one that is more effective with no human error.” He nods before leaning back down kissing your neck. He behind to line himself up when you place your hand on his chest to stop him.

“Do we need one for…” you trail off as he looks at you questioningly “have you been with anyone else?”

A light smile crosses his face, “not since before I met you.” He takes his hard member and teases your slit, stroking up and down it capturing some of your juices.

“Please don’t tease me" you whine as he pushes into you gently, not going all the way. He takes a minute and kisses your shoulder and nips below your ear as you gasp.

“You okay?” he questions and you nod “yeah, just been a bit. I’m okay” you answer as he pulls back and gently pushes into you again. Your legs wrap around his wide hips as your back lifts slightly.

He keeps the pace each thrust going a little bit deeper but never all the way in “I’m not going to break” you whisper. He stares at you “I promise”

“First time since a kid, everything had to readjust in there. Just don’t want to hurt you.”

“You aren’t, if that changes I’ll let you know. Please” you whimper

He pulls back and pushes in bottoming out inside you as he does it again. He reaches to grab one of your legs hooking his arm under your knee.

“Fuck my skat" he says “you feel so good.” He says continuing to thrust inside you.

He looks down, releasing your leg and kisses you deeply. You groan into the kiss as he thrusts into you. He looks into your eyes and continues his pace, a gentle passionate pace.

You feel your orgasm approaching as you rake your hands down his biceps “I’m close" you whisper as Fred brings a hand to your nipple and begins to pinch it between his thumb and index finger. You remove one hand from his arm and slide it down your body to your sensitive bud and begin rubbing it.

“Kom nu skat" he whispers in your ear as you begin to clench as your walls tighten. He rides you through your second orgasm of the night, as you come down he pulls out spilling his load on your stomach. Fred collapses beside you for a moment before standing to put on his boxers. He hands you a damp wash cloth as he turns to leave.

“Wha?” you begin to question.

He stops and looks at you “I’m just getting my toothbrush I’ll be right back” and he smiles. He returns and finds you in the bathroom brushing your teeth in his shirt. You reach up to grab a cup to rinse with and he sees your thong slightly showing. His hand slides over to your ass and grabs it as you turns into his chest. He kisses your temple as you saunter off to bed. He slides in beside you and pulls you in close, you immediately doze off.

Night One Outift:

Night Two Outfit: 

Next Chapter

[courage-a-word-of-justice]

Suppose a Kid... 1 | Hortensia Saga 1 | Kumo Desu Ga 1 | 2.43 1 | Cells at Work!! 1 - 2 | Cells at Work: Code Black 1 | Back Arrow 1 - 2 | Praeter 1 | Horimiya 1 | Tomozaki 1 - 2 | Wonder Egg Priority 1 | IChu 1 | Kemono Jihen 1 | YuruCamp 2 1 | Dr Stone: Stone Wars 1 | Sk8 1 | Mushoku Tensei 1 | Design-bu 1 | Wave!! 1 | BSD Wan! 1 | Ex-Arm 1

After much watching...I cut it down to 5 anime and 1 short.

Suppose a Kid… 1

I am not writing out that full title every time! Anyways, here’s the first “real” debut of winter 2021.

For some reason…this series reminds me of Pokemon. Probably how at the start, Ash tries to get along with Pikachu by doing all sorts of things like what Lloyd is doing here. (<- learnt protag’s name through synopses)

The name “Shouma” rang a bell and I was right – Shouma is voiced by Souma…Saito.

The Japanese title has “monogatari” on the end there…so it probably doesn’t fully translate into the English title.

These orange flecks in Lloyd’s eyes are kinda distracting…

Isn’t Kunlun in China, though…?

If this is just going to be Marie yelling…I don’t see why I should stay. (<- turned volume on for everything so far)

*facepalms* Lloyd is so dense…

That fight scene’s not very good…

…oh great. Selen’s fallen in love with Lloyd already…*sigh*

The missing princess is certainly going to be a plot point later.

Wow, that tiger looks impressive! If only they could’ve done that for the fight scene…

…oh great, Selen is a low-key yandere…

Didn’t Lloyd say he sucked at combat…? Anyways, I’m not keeping this. The designs are colourful and the tiger was good, but it’s meant to be a comedy and it’s not funny.

Hortensia Saga 1

Here for Ume! He’s voicing a guy called Defloitte Danois.

I-Is that CGI? So early on into the anime???

*a dude gets bitten into by the werewolf*…welp, at least this series isn’t afraid of its own gore.

I had a sinking feeling our real protag was Alfred…and I was right, according to the OP.

Huh? The song goes silent for a second near the end…what the heck?

The book appears to use English, albeit English so faintly inked in you can’t quite tell what language it is.

Alfred, governing Albert…? Isn’t that a bit redundant?

I swear all the female voices in this anime are squeaky as all get out…

All these high fantasy anime – or heck, any high fantasy series full stop – ever justify why the country is worth fighting for. It’s why I find war stories pointless and senseless.

You can tell from the voice and short stature “Marius” is Mariel…but she uses boku, which is why Alfred can’t really tell the difference. (Also, he wasn’t privy to the fact Mariel cut her hair.)

This almost smacks of a game tutorial. The CGI is still there…it’s not as bad as other examples I’ve seen, but you can tell it’s CGI when you look at it.

Roy’s kind of pretty, in a generic way.

A close-range archer! Ho, you’re kinda impressive yourself, Roy. (The feeling of a game tutorial has disappeared by this point.)

Hortense…of Hortensia…how confusing.

The scruffy guy you keep seeing with the dark hair is Defloitte. Keep an eye out for him for me, would you?

The ED seems to consist mostly of…anguished pop screams. *cringes slightly*

Anyways, this anime isn’t bad. It’s quite average though and its CGI could easily get worse.

Kumo Desu ga 1

…you know I don’t like 1st person cam, yeah?

…this is just Kumoko (as I’ve heard her being called) yelling so far…plus there’s quite a bit of CGI.

I like how the ED has an English overlay and the style they’ve used for it. The music, though…? Nah.

Wait a second? Millepensee? Shin Itagaki? That would explain the CGI!

“…a spider that just happens to have my memories.” – A butterfly dream, huh?

…well, at least this anime is well aware of the genre space it inhabits. Maybe you could say…it’s an isekai light novel, so what? *groans from the audience*

…well, you didn’t really “bring” your “brother’s” (?) corpse in case of an emergency, now, did you?

…welp, to have guts, you must eat guts. I guess that’s how it goes.

What’s a “skanda”?

This anime’s quite monologue-y (as expected of an LN). I can live with it, but I don’t know if it can carry the entire thing through the season.

…humans? Haven’t seen them almost all episode. What are they up to?

These designs sort of look like SAO’s. They’re not a dealbreaker yet, but they could be down the line…

This ED seems to take cues from Cop Craft’s OP (same studio). It also has some…“Aggretsuko rage”, I guess you could call it.

2.43 1

…Another confusing title, I see. I normally don’t do sports anime, but I’m here for Ume.

*sees the colour of the volleyball* - Basically anything volleyball has to collaborate with volleyball maker Mikasa, doesn’t it?

This anime seems to like putting characters’ thoughts on the screen for dramatic impact. The CGI is sort of visible, but not a dealbreaker.

I’d thought I’d heard of this OP artist before, but it turns out I haven’t.

This series has a nice sense of force. You see those moments where the ball squishes, or when Yuni presses against the wall without thinking? Those.

LOL, way to burn Yuni, Chika…

These transitions are a bit hard to detect. I think I like Akudama’s more overt ones more.

LOL, Dr Popper (sic).

The serves are nothing special. Haikyuu does the same thing from the episode I saw of it. (You know I don’t like Haikyuu, yeah? Dropped it after 1 episode because everything I heard the fans talking about caused me to connect the dots.)

The way Yuni blushes…it’s more than someone usually would, even if it is out of embarrassment. It may just be the entertainment I consume, but I could swear that’s going somewhere in more of a BL manner.

I get the feeling Chika has a bit of Virgo or Taurus in him somewhere. The sort of guy who nags at everyone to do stuff his way is probably like that.

Pocari Sweat (unaltered).

I gave myself dimples by puffing up my cheeks and poking them until they became permanent. I guess you can do the same thing with ambidexterity…?

For some reason, I can detect Chika’s jealousy when he discusses blocks and natural talent.

…wow, this anime is pretty serious for a volleyball anime.

The ED scene where the face is replaced with flowers is pretty creepy. Like Jigokuraku or something.

Cells at Work!! 1

What are these blob creatures you see in the OP, anyway…?

I think I remember reading something that the numbers assigned to the cells aren’t arbitrary – they’re hexadecimal colors, e.g. RBCs get shades of red as their numbers.

D’aww, Platelets warm the heart. They really do.

Platelets have a master…? I thought they were all just lil’ kids.

“What the cell’s going on?!” – Oh, I remember seeing a tweet about this. I love that pun! Kudos to whoever was responsible for that.

LOL, no. 4989 dancing in the background.

Hmm…those nets look like CGI.

…uh, I did not need that shot of the Megakaryocyte’s camel toe…that’s distubring.

Wait, Backward Cap is a she?!

Aw, lookit WBC being a dad. That’s cute.

Backward Cap = Ushiromae-chan.

Is that…a construction worker holding a giant pudding?!

Cells at Work Code Black 1

This anime is called “black” due to black companies. It’s Code Black to avoid being racist, I guess. I’m looking forward to it because it’s undoubtedly going to show a dark side to the main series…

…and there it is, the RBC complaining.

I assume OJT = on the job training.

I knew “pespin” (sic) was a typo. It’s pepsin.

Now that I’ve been working at customer service for two years (give or take COVID), I can see where the senpai RBC is smoothing over the relations.

…that also means I know where to suppress my emotions. I’m not a person who opens up to people easily without getting used to them, so people never see me as suitable for customer service anyway, but it’s the only experience I have so *shrugs*.

…oh gosh. I haven’t seen these words since…the time I was still learning biology.

…*sigh* Rookie RBC is worried about boobs.

The fact Senpai lost his iconic hat…is kinda sad, actually.

“Don’t let his resolve be for nothing.”

Hmm…does the male WBC from the main series wear black fingerless gloves?

I thought I’d heard of this artist before…but turns out I just can’t distinguish really autotuned artists from each other…(lel)

…and stuff goes ka-blam. It’s the spiritual successor to HypMic, even if I wasn’t asking for it. (LOL)

Back Arrow 1

…I heard you said “hot guys”? (Yes, I am predictable as all get out.)

What’s with that episode title…?

Stereotypes, eh? I kind of expected as much from the promo, but where’s the title character…?

…was that yuri fanservice? I can’t quite tell because it was the aftermath of an action scene, but I can see the shippers gearing up in my head.

…after a bit of waiting, there he is. Back Arrow himself. He kind looks like Takuto (Star Driver).

“I’m not trying to hide anything!” – Well, that’s…true.

…*sigh* Why do girls always have more feminine-looking mechs? (Plus this one has boobs…*sighhhhhhhhhhhh*)

So it seems mechs in this anime are the form of one’s conviction and they have skills along those lines, eh? An interesting concept.

…you do realise I abandoned an entire anime based on a joke about lucky underwear? However, this anime is so absurd and just keeps running with the joke that I just can’t say no to it. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt from volunteering at a charity store, it’s that when it comes to selling stuff, you can’t say no to a lot of stuff…including selling potentially used underwear, so long as it’s not dirty or stinky.

Whoa! Those things break?!

Why does the title card mention the wall...?

Anyways, I…like it, surprisingly enough. Let’s keep going.

Back Arrow 2

…eh? Didn’t expect inflatable clothing, LOL.

I suspect Shu Bi is scheming something.

What’s the long thing…?

“…tomorrow might not come.” – A good reminder to have in these times of COVID.

Peath = Peace. (Heh. What a stupid name…*thinks about the name “Quattro Bajeena” suddenly* Okay, “Peath” pales in comparison to that.)

What is that creature that circles in the sky…?

I know this is meant to be a serious fight, but…that attacking guy’s hat seriously looks like a bamboo stalk and so I keep seeing it and trying not to laugh.

I only just now realised there’s CGI. CGI these days is getting much better than it used to be.

Tomozaki 1

LOL, Yontendo. It’s clearly Smash Bros + Nintendo Switch and the character designer was also around for Iroduku, so that’s why this style looks familiar.

…lemme guess, since this is a romance, it’s likely NONAME is Aoi. Or some other girl.

I would pay for a romance where it’s the girl building the guy up to be presentable, instead of a girl building other girls up to be presentable a la Ageha 100%.

Didn’t the anime show us Tomozaki reflecting to himself, though…?

“…rules working in combination.” - Well, there’s social norms (e.g. knock before entering a room), laws, contracts, societal standards (e.g. in Japanese society, you bow to others as a greeting or apology)…(continues to blabber on for a bit)

I think Aoi said something like “onitadaku”, but I’m not sure what the joke is there. Oni is in there, sure, but what’s the original phrase she’s playing off?

…LOL, it’s a good time to remind people to wear a mask.

LOL, Krout.

Anyways, this seems decent. I like how it’s going the way I want it to.

Tomozaki 2

“…make sure I’m nearby…” – Okay, that’s just being pushy, Aoi.

Minami and Hinami…so confusing…

*Minami chomps on Natsubayashi’s ear* - …okay, that’s not a thing girls do in real life unless they’re lesbians. This is likely trying to take the fanservice route.

They didn’t even show why the “kiss” was broken up…meaning they were doing it to make potential girl-on-girl look hot. Just great.

*Aoi touches Tomozaki’s butt* - Dude, that’s groping…

I didn’t think we’d get the story on Aoi’s “hexactly” so soon.

…well, that episode just made me feel mildly bitter. I’m dropping it here.

Praeter 1

…aw s***. Only a few seconds in and this looks like a terrible game…

It’s like someone barfed paint across Durarara…

The only time the background buildings look any good are when there’s a fight scene…

These Seals (or whatever those designs are called) seem to act like mini shields. Update: They’re called tattoos.

That transition was a bit fast for my liking…

Seems like the series is mildly peppered with Greek terms.

“To Infinity and Beyond” by…some author I can’t really read the name of.

Suddenly, they throw in more characters…?

Where does Eiji keep those bullet cases of his…? In his jacket?

Having a guy die in the 1st episode is cheap. I mean, we don’t quite care for him yet – it’s too early in the anime for that.

Now there’s Norse terms on top of the Greek ones…

Even more characters? You kidding me?

Lemme guess, Eiji gave up his tattoo because Yamato inspired him and now he’s a goner.

Welp, the weight of the world is in your hands, Yamato. Including that dead dude on your back. (<- sarcastic)

Sk8 1

I’ve been hearing good things about this anime! Let’s go! (<- about a week late to the debut)

That politician is probably relevant…probably someone’s dad, if HypMic taught me anything.

LOL, a beef. They call this stuff “beef”? Where’s the chicken? (<- joke from HypMic)

Haemanthus…apparently a flowering plant from S. Africa.

That’s rare, you don’t see Canadians in anime all that much. I was just thinking as I came home from volunteering how you know British people all have fancy names like William and Australians are Johnno, Danno etc., but Canadians? No clue. Update: Apparently you’d call one Arnold or something just as generic…?

Why are all foreigners in anime half-Japanese with the mother being the Japanese side, anyway?...Because people can make their character speak Japanese while looking foreign. Right. Moving right along.

Ahh…I understand your plight all too well, Reki.

…Hmm. It seems Reki’s surname is written kiya, but read “Kyan”. His name literally translates to “history (calendar/age) of bravery (military might)” Update: Turns out his surname is 3 characters (read “kiyan”, although I’ve never seen that final character ever being read as “n”) and his first name is one, so his first name is just “history (calendar/age)”.

Even I suck at balancing on bikes and stuff (…yeah, I still can’t ride a bike even though I’ve done so many other things in my life) and I know you have to support yourself with one foot on the ground before you do things like trick flips. I may not have observed Tony Hawk all that much, but he was on the periphery of my knowledge.

“What’s your hourly wage?” – Ouch, I feel ya, Langa.

Koko ni netete actually means “Lie down here”, but…okay.

These eyecatches are cute.

That’s a cute fox.

Yikes! 60 mph = approx. 97 km/h!!!

Random umeboshi, LOL.

Aghhhhhhhhhhh! Cherry Blossom’s so pretty~! I love him already!

Thank you, based Bones!

Something that can be enjoyed, even without sound: this is why I enjoy both action and comedy anime!

Okinawa? We’re in Okinawa?

Well, that was cool! I didn’t even ask where the location was until the end. Update: Why is this anime sometimes called Sk8 the Infinity anyway…?

Horimiya 1

Horimiya…I’ve been aware of this series for a while. There’s even a Chinese volume of it at a library close to me, although due to contact tracing I haven’t bothered to check it out.

Oh, I bet Hori is the otaku!

Ooh, Marketing Script!

Because I’ve been behind on the premieres, I’ve seen enough to know this boy with the chain is Miyamura.

…argh! Miyamura is cute! Y’all were right!!! (<- likes blushing bois)

I bet there’s going to be an emergency meeting!

“Sorry, it’s egg time!” – Oh, I’m laughing so hard! So that’s the context behind the Wonder Egg Priority meme!

“…see these?!” – Well, it’s not like you have a tattoo or some-*Miyamura shows his tattoos* Never mind…

Oh, I just realised they even animate the minute movements of the eyes Miyamura does…cool.

Notice how Miyamura is blocked from the other guy due to the window.

Miyamura goes “Ishikawa-kun” but “Hori-san”…hmm. No wonder he’s letting Ishikawa get Hori.

The problem I find with romance series is that they’re generally tied to heteronormativity. Hori is coded with red silhouettes and Miyamura with blue…*sigh* Whatever happened to gender ambiguity?

Good heavens, what is up with this ED?! It looks like Pocoyo! (…Does anyone else know that cartoon…?) Aside from that quibble, this anime is great though.

Mushoku Tensei 1

Apparently this is the grandad of all isekai. Why it took so long for an anime of this…who knows?

…and of course this guy’s a loser virgin. Go figure.

*sighhhhhhhhh* He’s just ogling this woman’s boobs…

…oh, sorry. I was so distracted by the man candy, I didn’t care about Rudy.

I-It’s actually quite refreshing to not have an OP protagonist from the get-go for once. (Or maybe I’ve developed such a disdain for isekai since SAO rolled around that everything here suddenly feels fresh.)

You can see the birthplace of isekai without having watched any of the others right here, it looks like.

“…what’s the point of incantations?” – To make it easier for you to cast spells, I gue-spoke too soon.

…wow, they shamelessly showed off Rudy’s privates. I know he’s still young at this stage, but that reminds me of how I dropped Dragon Ball around the time Goku was shown the same way (which is…very early on, by my own admission).

I believe, based on the name of the spinoff I see in the 7 Seas emails, the magic tutor is called Roxy.

You’re thinking about marriage?! At your (reincarnated) age?!

Oh no! The tree again!

LOL, Rudy’s acting like a kid who’s been in COVID lockdown for a while.

I think what most of the isekai that spun off from here missed is that the loser is job age. Losers at life at job age are relatable and high school geniuses are relatable (albeit sometimes insufferable), but losers who become NEETs for no reason whatsoever and then get banged up by Truck-kun are not.

Anyways, this was good, but a risky kind of good, since it seems like this male gaze will continue to be around as Rudy gets older.

Update: Dropped after learning Rudy was a paedophile in his past life.

Update 2: Apparently the anime toned down this paedophilic tendency of Rudy’s, so...now the verdict is that I move on while I let other people tell me if this is true of the anime or not.

Kemono Jihen 1

“Kemono Jihen” means something like “creature incidents”. I wonder why Funimation didn’t change the name…?

Kabane means “summer wing”.

Kanoko Villa, I’d assume, is named after the deer (the name means “deer’s child”).

My experience with Sho Aimoto (creator of this manga) is reading a bit of Hokenshitsu no Shinigami. (That, by the way, reminds me of Nube, but it’s nothing spectacular.) However, Hokenshitsu no Shinigami has a very detailed artstyle…That’s why I’m pretty shocked Kemono Jihen has such a scratchy one…

Ooh, edamame!

Oh, I see…this is like Furuba or a werewolf story, huh? Rather than a Natsume Yuujincho sort of thing.

…I thought Inugami and Dorotabo had seen everything of each other because of bathing together…I guess not, then.

…is Yataro going to die?

It seems the “immortal demons” are oni, so…why subtitle them as “immortal demons” and not just “demons”?

Ohhhhhhhh…this shite’s good. It seems to have a throwback feeling to it, moreso than even Yashahime or a lot of the sequels I’ve seen recently.

Cells at Work!! 2

I was going to move right along to Wonder Egg Priority because I’m really behind on the debuts right now, but I accidentally opened this up while I was cleaning up so I might as well watch another episode or two before setting it aside.

He’s dead, Jim. (<-joking)

…gosh, these walls look like Hover all over again and that’s from 1995…

LOL, these background cells don’t even have any details. They’re basically stick figures with fat bodies…

I think that phrase that appeared, “Take good care of B Cell!”, may be a pun on Give My Regards to Black Jack (written with similar Japanese, “B Cell wo Yoroshiku!” vs. “Black Jack ni Yoroshiku!”).

LOL, “you sure have the guts”…while they’re in the guts.

The certificate says something about it being presented to someone in the face of bravery, I think (<- just looked at it briefly).

“You have a good head on your shoulders,” says the T cell as WBC struggles with the disguise…stuck on his head.

Wonder Egg Priority 1

I’ve been hearing this series is surreal, but no more surreal than Flip Flappers. So…I don’t know if I’ll like it or not.

What’s this K?(?96…?

There’s a sunflower on her raincoat…so that’s why I saw a post called “You’re the sunflower”. Personally, that just reminds me of Post Malone.

Those Seeno Evils…they’re CGI, aren’t they?

As Boueibu once said (but I may be paraphrasing here), “nothing is more scary than free”.

…to be honest with you, I haven’t had a best friend for at least 2 years now. I only really feel close to people who are like me and who I have sustained contact with over many years, so I end up cutting contact with people after we part ways and never trying to fix it.

I always find it slightly absurd when anime girls get a little pudgy and go, “I’m so fat!” (See, for instance, the Dumbbell series.) Or, in this case, Ai’s going, “I’m so ugly!” when there’s nothing wrong with her. She’s only a bit different from everyone else due to her heterochromia - she doesn't have any physical or mental difficulties.

IChu 1

Here for Ume and, of course, dem bois. Bring it!

I seem to remember one of the magazines called an “Ichu” “an idol egg” (i.e. a fledgling idol)…More egg puns for me, then.

I found him! Ume! He’s Akira Mitsurugi! Update: Turns out that’s Toshiyuki Toyonaga…Oops. (Ume is actually Lucas from I*B.)

Huh? For a second, I imagined Akira with a dubbed voice. Of course, I could only be dreaming, because idol anime normally don’t get dubs, but…it was interesting to think about.

LOL, “Onsta”.

This Akio-type character is popular lately. The sort who’s timid but has an outstanding talent they themselves might not see.

…uh, but Kocho means “Principal”…?

An idol bear?!

Torahiko is crazy…(Note the tigers. Tora = tiger.)

Specifically, that’s black coffee with no sugar.

As much as I want to keep watching this, I’ll hit pause on it here. There’s much better offerings this season.

YuruCamp s2 1

…grandpa’s writing is so…neat.

*glares at CGI car…*

This OP just doesn’t compare to Shiny Days, y’know…?

OOPArts.

Talking pine cones! They’re back!

Curry rice! Literally had some of the Japanese-style stuff the other day. It was great.

All this talk about jobs…I personally don’t like jobs because I like to work at my own pace (hence one reason why I’m working on being a translator), but…money…I’m jealous, girls.

I’m trying not to rely on the subs for those texts that appear on the screen so that I can keep my reading skills up…I kept up with them for the most part…but then I got distracted by the croquette sign at one point…

“…buy you some local food?” – That’s omiyage, normally translated “souvenirs”. “Local food” actually does make more sense in that gap, though.

…man, I’m jealous that the girls all got jobs suitable for their personalities and everything. Lil’ ol’ antisocial me sucks at retail, even after 2 years.

Design-bu 1

LOL, that man and his bunny. Update: That’s Unabara-san.

…geez, these utaite are everywhere now. I’ve seen 96neko, USSS, Eve and more being more central to anime song creation…

Thise characters in the OP seal (<-the stamp, not the animal) are saiyou, meaning “recruited”, or in this case, “accepted”.

OEM = original equipment manufacturer.

Hrm…you can tell it’s a giraffe by description, but…that “base everything on the horse” is interesting as you could count several things as horse derivatives. Also, the angels’ names are all standard Japanese names with natural components to them (Ueda = upright rice field, Shimoda = frost rice field etc).

Is this pink-themed guy…a guy? Or a crossdresser? Update: That’s Kanamori-san.

I like how the suits have little wing-like flaps. Also the wings on Shimoda’s back.

…I never thought an anime episode would make me so concerned about giraffes.

That guy in the green I remember from the Wave x Tendebu (Heaven’s Design Team) collab, his name is Kimura.

Oh, so there is a bird like that!

The random wiggling the chibis do in these short segments…it’s a bit disorienting. (<-Just a small quibble of mine.)

Oh! Galapagos effect!

Agonistic: “polemical; combative.” I thought they meant “antagonistic”.

Oh man, that punch line was great! It took me a while to get into the spirit of it, but this anime is great!

Update: Oh, that’s where those nature names come from! They’re actually meant to be gods! (Or…named after gods…?) Also, Ueda vs. Shimoda (the “shimo” could be the kanji for “below”).

Ex-Arm 1

I’ve heard this anime looks bad…even well before its debut. How bad? Let’s find out.

*stifles laughter* From the first pan, I know this anime is doomed on my list. Even Praeter was better than this!

*stifles laughter again* This OP really does look as bad as the stuff I was seeing prior to winter 2021! Like a game I shouldn’t take out of my archives! (It’s not as bad as Hover’s graphics, but still…that’s from 1995. Cut it some slack.)

That’s the 2nd Kimura this season…

Yugg is just…ugly. Never try to render elaborate eyelashes in CGI again, people.

Dimension High School was better than this because at least that had puzzles. This is even jankier than that!

Wait, why is Akira 3D when his dad is 2D? It’s not that obvious, but I notice these things. Update: That’s not his dad…but close enough. (That’s his brother.)

…and here comes Truck-kun! (LOL)

This would be good…if it weren’t rendered in the jankiest CGI known to man…

Alma’s gun strike doesn’t have a lot of force to it.

The fire is rendered so terribly…*stifles laughter*

This part with a disembodied Akira is what I assume I got up at 6 am for…but I can’t hear it, due to background noise. Remind me to confirm this later. (Minami’s mouth is rendered so terribly…augh.)

No force to any of these recent motions, either.

LOL, this censorship.

Wave 1

Ever since this project was announced, I’ve been watching developments unfold on Anime News Network. I knew it would get an anime or something similar I could follow…and now here I am. I mentioned in the Sk8 comments I have basically zero knowledge of surfing, so…this is very unexpected, in one sense.

Was that a drone…?

“Wizard of the Waifu Board”?! Are you kidding me?! (LOL)

There seem to be shots where I can see the CGI here, but…anything’s better than Ex-Arm. Let’s say that.

Actually…yappe is a derivative of yabai, meaning “cool” or “crap” (in an ironic sense). So it would probably be better to translate it as “Surfing’s the greatest!” or “Surfing’s the coolest!” Anyways, what I was thinking before I was going to say this was that the waves are so enticingly animated, it feels like a summer anime. Basically the only other anime I’ve ever said that for is Grand Blue.

If I’m understanding where Isokichi’s name comes from right, “iso” is the character for seashore or a rocky beach (磯).

LOL, the teacher just wrote “Show must go on.”

Hayama, Kanagawa. Kanagawa’s capital is Yokohama, so it’s not quite Tokyo, but somewhat close.

“Murphy”? I have zero clue what that means.

Oh, I see. The title is translated that way due to context. Now that I can accept.

I just burst out into laughter when I realised Nalu hasn’t dropped or put down his ukulele once.

BSD Wan! 1

Here comes my past to haunt me…aside from me being a fan of BSD, I’m here because I influenced this series. How so? Once upon a time in the now-distant year of 2016, I was a scanlator for a brief period. Most of the work I’ve done hasn’t influenced the world at large, but this is the most influential manga I had a hand in working on.

Oh no! They’re starting with the dog AU?! (That comes from pretty far into the manga, IIRC. Further than my work was on it, at least.)

It’s Rashomon, but Rashoken (that last bit means “dog”). Hence Ruffshomon.

Basically, they just insert dog-related words everywhere…don’t make me explain every one!

Ouch, I can only imagine how much pain it was to translate Inu Shikkaku. Literally, it’s “No Longer a Dog”, but how would anyone make it in line with the other puns…?

I wasn’t fully aware of how the dog AU was connected to the main Wan series because I haven’t really looked at it after I quit due to aggregators, but…that was a nice fakeout. Also, I was concerned as to whether this was going to be a full-length ep or a short…seems like it’s a 10 minute short, so I have more chances of taking it.

…oh gosh, that pose! I remember it! I worked on this one! (Now that I know it’s a TV short, I won’t cover future episodes, but I want to at least finish this one because I started it.)

I think they added a bit there. I remember Kunikida’s and Yosano’s were in the manga, but not the other members or Fukuzawa going “the wind is smiling” + Kenji working on the roof at the start.

Oh yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh, I remember Rampo. I think I had to approximate how he would say stuff with Pocky in his mouth, but Slug (current scanlator) went the extra mile and stuck food in his mouth to do the same panel.

It seems to make a short ep., they strung a bunch of the chapters together. Also, I don’t think we ever found out what Yosano’s puddle was and that was…probably for the better.

Oh yeah…I think I remember this one.

Now I remember it! I remember having fun explaining what a youkan was.

Whoa, Higuchi scrapped the SFX! That wasn’t in the original…

The ED seems to be an Atsushi cover of Namae wo Yobu yo.

Oh noooooooooooo! The flower gazing episode! That’s the one I remember most, because I was trying to figure out how to translate 移動 while making it smooth-sounding English…(I remember the final result was something like, “Move! Move~!”

Dr Stone: Stone Wars 1

Final debut! Let’s go~!

The last time this series was on the air was about 1 year ago. I can remember that far back…

I like how that recap is framed as Gen talking to the kids.

Senku overcomes every problem with science.

…not much to comment on here.

[xmxisxforxmaybe]

Decryption_Error: “Unlocked”

Summary: Y/N’s dad did some digging and shares what he found out about E Corp, and later, Elliot gives her a Valentine’s Day gift from the heart.   

A/N: Savor the last bits of Soft Elliot™️. I’m so sorry for what’s next 😔. I kept this chapter short to emphasize a few important plot points. 

Decryption_Error: All Chapters

Word Count: 1900

Tags: @sherlollydramoine @rami-malek-trash​ @teamwolf2411 @limabein @txmel @alottanothing @ouatlovr @backoftheroomandnotbelonging @moon-stars-soul @free-rami @ramimedley @hopplessdreamer @sweet-charmie @polarcrystall @hah0106

Warnings: Wee bit of sex

“Are you sure there’s nothing after this, Dad?” I asked as my eyes scanned over the transcript of the grand jury record.

After a class action lawsuit was lost in 1998, another ambitious prosecutor went after E Corp for falsifying records not just at the Washington Township facility but at two other plants upstate. In 2000, 23 people, in accordance with New York state law, sat on a grand jury and all but one juror voted to indict E Corp, sealing the supermajority needed to move the case to trial.

But then—

“Nothing. Someone made it all disappear.”

My father and I locked eyes.

“Look at all of this evidence,” I said, looking down at the transcript again. “The prosecutor has eye-witness testimonies, dates, documents—everything. The grand jury met for over two months!”

“It looks like it would have been a solid case.”

“E Corp is responsible for those deaths. I’m sure of it. They should have compensated those families!”

“It wasn’t about the money, sweetheart. You’re too young to remember the lawsuit, but it sent a shockwave down Wall Street. Nearly everyone had done business of some sort with E Corp by then, so we were all watching closely. If I remember correctly, the biggest pushback from E Corps was the contingency for new safety protocols—it wasn’t cost-effective to retool their entire system based on one hazard that no one could prove directly caused the deaths of those employees.”

“So, it’s perfectly normal for people who all work in the same building to all get diagnosed with cancer all at the same time?”

“Of course it isn’t.”

“You believe there was a coverup.”

My dad got up and went to the fridge, pulling out a bottle of water. He took a long drink before he said, “Y/N. You never ask me for anything. Why did you ask me to look into this?”

“Elliot’s dad worked at the Washington Township plant.”

Dad put his water down on the counter, leaning forward as he chose his next words carefully, “If you give Elliot this information and he pursues it, it won’t be hard to figure out where it came from. I tried to be smart, but I did pull some strings to get access to this transcript.”

“I never thought you’d find anything, Dad. I’m sorry I put you in this position.”

“I trust your judgment, sweetheart. I’ve never had to worry about you, not like your sisters and your brother. But this is . . . a grey area.”

“I know.”

“Just promise me you’ll think about it before you give him the transcript?”

“I promise,” I said as my phone trilled.

I looked down, and despite the seriousness of the information I had just been inundated with, I smiled when I read Elliot’s text.

“He still makes you smile like he did all those months ago,” my dad observed.

“He does—it is Valentine’s Day, after all,” I said with a grin.

“A holiday you swore was, and I quote, ‘Nothing more than a fool’s errand.’”

“It is an impossible holiday, Dad. I told Elliot as much, but he’s up to something. He’s a pretty terrible liar.”

“Don’t act like you aren’t a little bit excited to spend a special evening with a special someone,” my dad teased.

“Just because you and Mom still act like romance isn’t dead doesn’t mean the rest of us have to.”

Dad chuckled as he walked over to kiss the top of my head.

“Your cynical act is not fooling anyone in this room—let yourself be happy,” he said as he gave my shoulder a squeeze.

“Thanks again for digging this up,” I said as I stood and tucked the transcript into my bag, and in my haste to catch my train, I forgot to snap the closure shut.

“Just . . . think about it,” Dad called as he cautioned me once more.

I glanced back after I opened the door and gave my dad a reassuring smile. He was right: I did need to think carefully about how much of this—if any—I should share with Elliot.

But he was wrong about something, too.

I didn’t need to let myself be happy; I was already happy.

* * * * *

I had known that Elliot was up to something, but I had no idea what. A few days ago, he had come up to see me, my secretary beaming as she announced his presence.

Elliot really was a terrible liar, and I took pity on him as he tried to casually ascertain my after-work plans on a day which just happened to be February 14th.

I called him out on it, and he turned an entirely new shade of reddish-pale as he tried to assure me it was just a coincidence. I told him I planned to stop by my parents’ apartment and that I’d probably be home around 8:00 pm.

Elliot thanked me for the information and left my office while I muffled my laughter.

But when I walked into my apartment at 8:00 pm on February 14th, any possibility of laughing at Elliot’s attempt to be romantic was instantaneously knocked out of me.

Carefully organized on the kitchen island was a recreation of everything we had made together for our mock-picnic over Memorial Day weekend.

He had clearly spent hours preparing everything from the pasta salad (with tri-color noodles, of course) to the burgers to the—

And my inventory of the picnic food was cut short as my eyes took in the sight at the end of the kitchen island; there stood Elliot, wearing my white Columbia t-shirt and holding a single red rose.

I felt like an idiot as my eyes filled with tears, but I was so moved by his sweet gesture. This was exactly the sort of thing Elliot would do—something simple, something soulful.

I moved out of the entryway, shrugging out of my coat and dropping my bag haphazardly on the floor, not caring as its contents spilled slightly out and onto the floor.

“This looks exactly like my mother’s chocolate cake,” I said as I took a few steps into the kitchen.

“I followed her recipe exactly, but I can’t guarantee it will taste like hers.”

“The recipe?”

Elliot’s tongue poked out to swipe over his bottom lip before he pulled it between his teeth. He tried to tamp his shy grin as he explained, “I called her. She was really nice about it and even offered to help me make it.”

“You didn’t take her up on her offer?” I asked, brow raised.

“I wanted to do something for you all on my own.”

“You’ve certainly succeeded in stealing my heart all on your own, Elliot Alderson.”

“I got you something,” he said, moving from the end of the island to close the distance between us. “This is for you,” Elliot said as he handed me the rose along with a tiny white box he had pulled from his pocket.

I gave Elliot a curious glance, but he was watching my fingers, clearly a little uncomfortable in this strange role of being a romantic.

I pulled the lid off the box and my heart fluttered as I picked up the key to Elliot’s apartment.

He ran his hand nervously through his hair as he was now watching my face.

“I know it’s not—”

“This is perfect,” I said, cutting him off with a hug.

When I felt his body relax under my touch, I kissed the corner of his jaw before whispering, “Thank you.”

“Are you hungry?” he asked, his eyes sparkling.

“Starving,” I answered, knowing my eyes were mirroring his in their projection of happiness.

* * * * *

Elliot’s fingers had crept under my t-shirt and were tracing down my spine, a whisper of a touch in the dark.

We had gone to bed kind of early, full to bursting thanks to Elliot’s surprise; I glanced at my alarm clock and saw that it was 1:03 am.

“Are you awake?” he rasped, his voice shaking off the thickness of sleep as his fingers continued to trace over my skin.

I rolled over, tucking my hands under my pillow, waiting for my eyes to adjust so I could see him.

“Hi,” I smiled.

“Hey,” he smiled back.

I reached over and cupped his face, my thumb brushing over the slight stubble on his chin.

“Happy Valentine’s Day.”

Elliot sat up on his elbows, and my hand trailed down to his bare chest as he looked at the clock on my nightstand.

“I think it’s over.”

“Is it?” I asked moving my hand underneath the sheet.

I could feel the vibration from Elliot’s chest as he silently chuckled.

I could almost hear him as he bit his lip.

“Isn’t it?”

It was my turn to chuckle as my fingers crawled down his belly and dipped under the waistband of his boxer-briefs.

Elliot’s hand moved over mine, encouraging me to grasp his half-hard cock. When I wrapped my hand around him, he sucked in a breath before letting out a low groan.

I moved closer to his body, close enough to nuzzle into his neck before I started to kiss him, up and over his jaw and to his waiting mouth.

It was one of those moments I wanted to live in forever; I could feel him growing hard in my hand and I shivered at the sweet little moans coming out of his mouth between our kisses.

Elliot shifted, working off his underwear before he rose up to push me onto my back, his fingers pulling at the hem of my t-shirt. I sat up so he could pull it off, and Elliot reached down to tug my panties from my hips.

His fingers were buried in my hair as I guided him to my slick entrance, his body lying flush on top of mine, his warm weight making me feel safe, and when he thrust inside of me, satiating that deep, deep ache, I felt loved.

* * * * *

I shut off my alarm, vaguely remembering the kiss Elliot pressed to my temple an hour or so ago. He had left early in the morning, something he was in the habit of doing when he spent the night during the work week.

I rolled over, intending to pull his pillow close so I could inhale his scent, but I was distracted by the note he left on his pillow, probably knowing I would do this exact thing as soon as I woke up.

          Use your key tonight. 

                                Love, El

I tucked Elliot’s neatly written note into my bedside drawer and smiled as I clutched his pillow to my chest. It wasn’t lost on me how important it was that Elliot had decided to share his space with me, and when I got up, I put my favorite playlist on shuffle and sang along as I got ready for the day.

As I dashed into the kitchen, I noticed that Elliot must have picked up my discarded coat and tote from last night because my bag was sitting neatly on one of the kitchen stools and my coat was hanging off the back, ready for me to pick up and slide into as I rushed out the door.

[imaginethathaikyuu]

okay but i think i have the best nsfw request(you can ignore it if u want because it’s so dirty i’m sorry-) but imagine akashi x fem!gf doing the do? but like pet play? idk how it would start but i have a hc like many another’s that akashi calls his s/o kitten, so she dresses up as a sultry cat kinda thing? and like she’s all ‘naughty’ and gets spanked? i am so sorry

first of all this is the best request i’ve ever gotten second of all, forgive me for my sins 

fem readerword count: 3435nsfw - mild pet play, mild degradation, spanking and a very dominant akaashi keiji

-

“I’m home…” Akaashi calls after walking in the door. Usually when he’s home this late, you’re already preparing dinner, but today, the kitchen was empty.  “…Y/N?” 

He assumes you’d be in the bedroom - he hoped you didn’t have a bad day. That’s often where you go to sulk until he gets home, and there have been many days that he gets home to find you there. 

But you had the day off, so something really bad must’ve happened at the grocery store or in the garden if you were already in bed. 

He loosens his tie as he walks to your shared bedroom. “Babe, you in here?” he asks as he opens the door, and he finds his answer right in front of him. 

There you sit on the bed, perched up on your knees, proudly showing off the outfit you wore: high waisted panties, a lacy bra, and a collar; all black. To top it off, a cat ear headband was on your head, two little black triangles stick out from your hair. 

“Y/N… what is this, babe?” 

You were give him the sweetest smile you could, standing up just a bit more on your knees with your hands rested flat on the bed in front of you. 

“Just something different,” you reply. Akaashi slowly starts walking towards you. “Do you like it?” 

When he stands in front of you, he gets a better look up and down your body. Your boobs were just about to pop out of the bra you wore, and you pushing them together with your arms wasn’t helping. Your thighs look delicious - he couldn’t wait to get his hands and mouth on them. And the collar you were wearing suited you well; there was a cute golden accent on the front, as well as a heart shaped tag hanging from it. 

“I love it,” he replies. He takes the tag of your collar between his fingers and held it up, just to see if it said anything - and it did, in fact, it reads ‘Keiji’s Kitten’ engraved in cursive font. 

“You’re my kitten, huh?” he asks with a smirk, and you nod. He places his large hand on the right side of your face, caressing your jaw and rubbing your cheek with his thumb. 

He pulls your face up to his - you have to sit up straighter on your knees so your lips reach his, and his kiss is rough, hard, and impatient. But it’s also short. 

“You did a good job at dressing the part, pretty girl,” he says. “But kittens aren’t allowed on the bed.” 

“Where am I meant to be, then, Keiji?” 

He smirks at your tone - your words sounded just as demanding as his. “On the floor,” he replies, kissing you one last time for good measure. “On your knees.” 

You sit back down, shaking your head. “But the bed is so comfortable.” 

“But you’re my kitten, and you have to do as I say.” He pulls his tie off, letting it fall to the ground. “So be good, kitten.” 

You slide down to the floor, albeit reluctantly. “And what if I’m not good?” 

When you’re situated on your knees in front of him, Akaashi unbuttons the top buttons of his shirt. “Bad kittens don’t get rewarded… and I’m sure you want to be rewarded just a much as I want to reward you, right, baby?” 

You nod eagerly. 

He drops the facade for a second, holding your cheek with one hand. “You look so good in this,” he says, his voice quieter than before. He brushes your hair out of your face with his free hand, tucking it behind your ear. “What’s all this for?” 

“For you,” you reply quickly, smiling up at him. You place your hand on top of his, “for us to have a little fun,” and then you kiss his palm quickly.

“We’re going to have so much fun, kitten,” Akaashi sighs. “You look so fucking hot… and you’re all mine.” 

It was rare that Akaashi was possessive - but how could he not be, when you’re sat in front of him, wearing a collar with his name on it? 

“All yours,” you reply - and something about hearing you say that drives him wild. 

He takes your hand and pulls it up to the button of his pants, and you quickly undo them. 

“Say that again,” he demands. 

“I’m all yours, Keiji,” you repeat. “You own me.” 

He nods, a moan escaping his parted lips. “Again.” 

“You own me, Keiji.” 

“I own you,” he says back to you. Things are moving slowly, but his mind is already racing. 

“Take these off for me,” he says to you, referring to his pants. You pull them off with little struggle, leaving him in his grey boxer briefs. 

You always appreciated the tightness of the underwear Akaashi chose to wear - especially in times like these. You can see a perfect outline of his cock, which looks to you like it’d grown to its full potential, resting against his thigh. 

And Akaashi sees you eyeing his length - he has to tease you about it. 

“See what you do to me, kitten?” he asks, putting his hand on your jaw. “See how hard you made me, just from this? Just from that sexy outfit you’re wearing?” 

He pulls your face closer, and your nose nudges against his member. His familiar scent fills your nostrils and you can’t stop yourself from pressing an open mouthed kiss right against the ridge of the head of his cock. 

“Not yet,” he says, but you don’t listen and kiss his length again. He pulls your face back just a bit, “you really want it that bad?” 

You nod, “yes, Kei - please.” 

“You’ll have to use my full name if you want to get what you want, Y/N,” he replies. 

“I’m sorry, Keiji.” 

“Better,” he says. “You can touch - but you can’t use your mouth.” 

“Why not?” 

He runs his thumb over your bottom lip, only now noticing the light pink lipstick you wore. 

“Because it’s dirty,” he replies. 

“No it isn’t,” you say with a giggle. 

“Play along,” he says under his breath, and you giggle even louder. 

“You aren’t well behaved enough to deserve my cock in your mouth, kitten.” 

You pout, but you don’t hesitate to run your palm along his entire length. You press your thumb into his tip, noticing the wetness that had accumulated there, and you want to taste his pre-cum more than anything. 

“Can you take them off?” you ask, referring to his underwear. 

“You can,” he replies, and you do. When you pull them down his tanned legs, his cock stands before you. It’s hard and long and his tip is red; the vein on the underside is prominent as ever, and your urge to run your tongue across it is strong, but you hold back. 

Instead you wrap your fingers around the base, which is thick and heavy in your hand, and you tug ever so slowly until your thumb rests on the underside of the head. He gasps loudly, and you watch pre-cum leak from the tip - and you can’t help it. You have to taste it, you have to wrap your lips around him, you have to have his gorgeous cock in your mouth. 

But as quick as your tongue flicks over the tip of his dick, he pulls your face away with a hand tight in your hair. 

“What do you think you’re doing, kitten? I said you can’t use your mouth.” 

“That’s so mean, Keiji, I need it -” 

“You can’t be patient?” 

With a pout, you shake your head. 

“Patient girls get what they want - you don’t deserve my cock, kitten.” 

“Keiji -” 

“Don’t talk back,” he replies. His thumb grazes your lip again, “this mouth could be put to good use, if you would behave. It could be full of my cock, baby. But you don’t deserve it, you only deserve a punishment.” 

You nod at his words, and he smirks. “You want to be punished?” Again, you nod your head, your eyes sharply looking up at him. “How should I punish you?” 

You pull your bottom lip between your teeth, but Akaashi pulls it free with his thumb. He isn’t sure what you’re going to say, or why your face is suddenly going red. 

“I want you to spank me,” you say, attempting to keep your voice confident. 

Akaashi’s eyes widen just a bit. He wasn’t expecting you’d say that. 

“Are you… serious?” 

You nod, and again, the roleplay is briefly paused. 

“Are you sure?” 

“Yes, Keiji,” you say, taking his hand into yours. 

He’d never even attempted to do that - spanking seemed to take it too far, if you asked him. He never thought you’d ask him to do it, and he definitely never thought he’d be considering it.  

“I don’t want to hurt you, kitten, that’s not what I meant by punishment,” he replies. 

“I know,” you say. “But you won’t be hurting me in a bad way, it’ll feel… good.” 

He wonders how long you had been wanting him to do something like that to you - obviously, you surprising him with your current outfit had been a plan of yours for awhile, so there could have been a dozen different things up your nonexistent sleeve. 

It couldn’t hurt to try, he decides. 

“Okay, kitten. You should lead the way… how should we do this?” 

“You’re the one in charge,” you giggle. “I could… lay across your lap…” 

“Would you like that?” 

You nod slowly, your face a burning red once again. 

“Then stand up,” he says, and you do so. “And turn around.” 

He hadn’t gotten a view of your ass all night - and now that it was in front of him, he couldn’t take his eyes - or hands - off of it. 

“So fucking hot,” he says quietly, standing behind you. He wraps one arm around your waist, pushing your backside into him, and you feel his hard length pressing into your ass. With his other hand, he squeezes and massages your exposed skin. 

“You could be getting more than this,” he whispers into your ear. “Do you feel how hard I am for you?” 

You throw your head back onto his shoulder, and his lips attack to your neck as he grinds his length against you. 

He taps your ass with one finger, as if he was building up to the real thing. But all you can focus on is the heat pooling in your underwear, your clit throbbing for attention. You try to sneak your hand down to give yourself some release, but he pushes it away. 

“You’re really excited for that punishment, aren’t you?” 

You can’t help but whine at his words, and then he pulls away from you. 

He sits on the edge of the bed with his back to the headrest. He raises one knee onto the bed, and leaves the other hanging off. 

“Come here, kitten,” he says, and you make the short walk over to him. “Between my legs,” he instructs when you hesitate. 

You stand between his legs like he told you to, and he pushes you down with a hand flat on your back so you’re bent over his knee. Your body is resting on the bed, but you’re holding yourself upright standing on the ground. 

“Are you comfortable?” he asks, unsure if this position was even good for you. You nod. He takes a deep breath, and before even touching you he asks, “What’s our safe word, kitten?” 

You smile at his concern, immediately remembering the safe word you two agreed on years ago. “Red,” you reply. 

You’d never had to use it, thankfully, but you knew having it made Akaashi more comfortable.  

He places his hand on your back and moves it down slowly, watching your face as he does so. 

“Is this going to help you learn your lesson, my little kitten?” His hand rests on your ass now, and he gives it a rough squeeze. “Answer me.” 

“Maybe,” is your response.  

You hear him click his tongue, and that’s when you know he’s just as into this as you are. 

“You’re so naughty, kitten,” he says. “Maybe you’ll be more respectful with my handprint on your ass…” 

He raises his hand only slightly, then brings it back down against your skin, spanking you with mostly just his fingers. It wasn’t a hard spank by any means, and it hardly made a sound when he made contact, but he’d build up. 

His palm caresses the curve of your ass as if he was preparing it to be his target, and then he raises his hand again. This time higher, with more purpose, and the smack the contact caused was more satisfying than he thought it’d be. 

Your hips jerk forward, though, and your legs squeeze together - the view was hot, but a part of him was worried. 

“You okay?” 

“Yeah,” was your response - it was more of a moan than anything. 

“Count them,” he demands, “until ten.” 

He raises his hand again - smack!

“Three -” you choke out, feeling breathless and already reeling in the sensation of his large hand assaulting your ass. 

“No, kitten, the first two don’t count. And neither does that one,” he says, raising his hand once again and dropping it against your flesh without hesitation. 

He was getting the hang of it already.

“O-One,” you stutter as he’s caressing your sensitive skin. 

Smack! 

“Two.” 

Akaashi was relentless. He showed you no mercy, he watched your ass shake every time his hand fell down upon it and he couldn’t get enough. Every time your hips would shoot forward, every time your legs would squeeze together, every time you moaned out the next number, it only encouraged him to keep going. 

And you felt it - each spank stung more than the last. Even though it was painful, you loved it - his hand was made to leave your ass spanked raw. 

When he gets to ten, your ass cheek is bright red - it doesn’t quite have an exact handprint, but the redness is enough for him. 

“Have you learned your lesson yet?” he asks, rubbing the small of your back. All you do is nod. “Then you can sit up now, kitten.” 

You do so slowly, and he pulls you to sit on his opposite leg. 

“How was that?” he asks. 

All you want is him, and there’s no way you can have any form of a conversation after what he’d just done to you. So you nod, and you force yourself to look him in his eyes. 

“I need you, Keiji, please.” 

“Look at you, using your manners. Such a good girl,” he coos, putting your headband back in its place on your head after you had knocked it off. “So good that I’ll let you stay on the bed while I fuck you.” 

“Thank you,” you reply. Your hands are on his shoulders, your eyes are stuck on his lips. You don’t notice his hand making its way between your legs until you feel his fingers making contact on your clit. 

When you gasp, he smirks. 

“Something wrong?” 

“Kei…” 

He presses his fingers against you hard. “Didn’t I say no nicknames?” 

“Keiji.” 

“Better,” he whispers. His hand moves up to your waist, and he holds you delicately, before grabbing the waistband of your underwear, pulling it back, and snapping it against your skin. 

“You look great in this outfit, kitten,” he says, “but I want it all off.” 

You nod and unclasp your bra while still balancing on his lap. Akaashi pulls it off of you, letting it fall to the ground. 

“You should take your shirt off,” you say. 

“Go ahead, babe.” 

He was getting cocky now - you could hear it in his voice, you could feel it in the way he touched you. 

As you unbuttoned his shirt, he slid your underwear down your legs to your knees slowly. 

“Just how wet did getting spanked make you?” And then his fingers slide between your lips, and he finds his answer. “You’re dripping, you’re ready for my cock, aren’t you, kitten?” 

“Y-Yes -” 

“Say it.” 

“I’m ready for your cock.” 

“Then lay down, kitten,” he demands, and you listen. 

You lay across the bed on your back, and Akaashi quickly pulls his shirt off before hovering over you. You kick off your underwear, as well as letting the headband slip off. The collar is still in place, though. 

You’re so excited to finally get the satisfaction you’ve been craving all night, but instead of fucking you senseless, all Akaashi does is kiss your neck. You can feel his cock on your thigh and it only makes you more frustrated. 

“Keiji…” 

“Hm?” 

You groan. “Keiji!” 

“If you want it… fucking beg for it.” 

“Keiji,” you moan. “Please, Keiji.” You aren’t sure where this is coming from. “I need you.” Nor what has gotten into Akaashi to make him so dominant and bossy and hot. “I’m begging, Keiji, I’m begging for your perfect fucking cock to fill me up.” But you do know that you wanted him bad - and you’d beg for him as much as it took. 

But what you said was enough, apparently. He said nothing else - while resting his forehead on your shoulder, he made sure to look down and watch as his entire length slipped inside of you easily - way too fucking easily. You were greedy in how you accepted his cock and it made his head spin. 

“Tight,” he wasn’t sure how he’d gone so long without this. “So fucking tight.” 

Your heat awakened something in him, as if turning on a motor, and his hips make quick thrusts into you. It was uncontrollable - and he can’t stop watching as his cock repeatedly pounds into your delicate entrance. 

And he’s completely unaware of his groans and moans and growls, but you’re drinking them up. His voice is deep. It’s throaty, husky, sexy. Each time he says your name, you say his right back to him. Each time you ask him to go harder, faster, deeper, he delivers. And when you warn him of your approaching orgasm, his hand spanks your ass with a loud slap. 

“You don’t cum until I say so.” 

“But I’m close.” 

“Are you, kitten?” 

He finally looks at you, his face now hovering over yours. His thrusts slowed down as he spoke, but not enough for you to notice. 

“Yes, I’m gonna cum -” 

“You poor thing,” he teases. “Because you don’t get to cum any time soon.” 

“Keiji -” 

“Are you still close, baby?” 

You nod, too busy focusing on holding back your orgasm to talk. 

“You pathetic little kitten,” he says. “Am I going to have to let you cum early?” 

“Yes, yes, please,” you beg. 

He presses his lips to your ear and whispers, “cum for me.” And it’s breathy and if you weren’t paying attention, you wouldn’t have been able to understand him. “Cum for me, my little kitten. Cum around this cock you begged so much for.” 

That’s all it took - you didn’t need to be told again. Everything coming together - his dick filling you, his weight on top of you, his voice in your ear, it all causes you to cum for him with nothing but thoughts of Keiji going through your mind and body. 

You could hardly hear anything else he said - but you felt his cum shooting into you, so you knew he came, too. 

After both of your orgasms are finished, things finally slow down. Akaashi loosens his hold on you and he rubs your side gently while both of you catch your breath. 

“Y/N…” he says weakly as he slips out of you and attempts to move his body off of yours. 

“Stay,” you say, holding him in place. 

“Okay, okay.” 

He stays on top of you for a few minutes; in that time, you both revel in the feeling of your bodies feeling weak and tired yet good and tingly at the same time. 

“We need a bath, babe… are you okay? Was that okay?” 

“It was perfect.” 

He finally sits up and you let him. When you look at him, you see his red cheeks and flirty smile. 

“You liked it?” 

“You were hot.” 

“Says you,” he scoffs. “You and that collar.” 

“You’re the one who gave me the idea with that nickname.” 

“Thanks for giving me all the credit,” he chuckles. “But make sure you put that outfit away for safekeeping. We will be using it again.” 

[space-------kid]

can’t keep my hands (off you).

Anime/Manga: One Punch Man Pairing: Garou/fem!Reader Additional pairing/characters: platonic Metal Bat/fem!Reader, Zenko, mentions of other heroes such as Saitama, Watchdog Man, etc. Genre: Romance, comedy Warning: Absolute silliness. Language – Garou and reader both ate rainbows for breakfast. Dumbassery. Teeth-rotting fluff, maybe? Reader is hella strong like Saitama. Half-assed spice because you’re good at cockblocking Garou despite being low-key thirsty for him. And LOTS of dumbassery from the reader, most probably. Additional tag: Dream-based fic, canon-divergent, Garou is horny af A/N: This is supposed to be a lengthy one-shot, but I’m a dumbass who can’t keep my word so the supposedly one-shot isn’t a one shot anymore.  Now I have to worry how I should properly divide all those parts (I mean, they’re already divided, but–) 😅 A/N 2: NSFW-ish chapter ahead. Half-assed spice because I don’t know how to properly write one

Contrary to popular belief, Garou drinks “respect women” juice.

Summary:

Your life had its general ups and downs, pros and cons, the good and the bad.

You were admittedly a coward and afraid of being targeted by people for it. Following the advice of your (best) friend you trained hard, like, FUCKING hard, and now you’re blessedly, utterly strong you can take down enemies with just one hit. A good thing, really. Can’t let any bad guy harass you or something.

But-

You were probably cursed with the biggest, baddest of luck. Not only were monsters chasing you, suddenly there was this fucking hot bastard weirdo who kept on calling himself the Hero Hunter. “I’m not a hero, goddamn it!”

i. and ii. | iii. and iv. | v. | vi. | vii. | viii. | [tba]

“i can’t keep my

hands

off…!”

- can’t keep my hands off you/simple plan

ix.

You woke up feeling tired and in someplace you didn’t know.

Still feeling sleepy, you snuggled closer to the warm body under you, letting the steady beat of a heart lull you back into slumber. A contented sigh slipped past your lips when a pair or strong, muscular arms wrapped around your waist and carefully maneuvered you along with them as the person you were sleeping with moved to lie on their side. You could feel yourself between their body and the back of a ratty old couch but you paid the latter no heed.

You were warm and comfortable, and your fight instinct was quiet since you didn’t feel any threat nor malicious intent from the person you were sleeping together with. Sluggishly, you pulled your head back just enough to take a look at the mystery guy through what little light from the moon that filtered through the gaps between metal walls.

Your sleepy gaze was blessed by the image of a peacefully snoozing Garou. He looked… somewhat younger, untroubled, in his sleep. Freed from his constant scrutiny, you took your time fully admiring his face up close and more intimately.

You knew yourself that Garou was a handsome – devastatingly so – young man. You couldn’t even pick which part of his face you liked the most. His eyes with their golden gaze, sharp nose that crinkled when he smiled or laughed, or his lips and how they curled up in a wicked smile?

Feeling bashful about your train of thought, you ducked your head and was met with the wonderful sight of his naked, broad chest.

Naked?

You looked down at your own chest and breathed a sigh of relief when you saw yourself still clothed, albeit with Garou’s long-sleeved turtleneck.

Wait a minute. Why were you in his clothes? Did you-? Or did he-?

Thoroughly embarrassed but too tired to even question why you were wearing Garou’s top, you just shyly buried your face on his neck, still feeling tired and sleepy from whatever your fight instinct had done earlier (or was it yesterday? You had no idea).

As if on cue, Garou’s hands squeezed your waist and nuzzled your hair. He shifted against you and yawned, stirring from his own slumber.

You timidly looked up and saw one of his eyes open, peeking down at you.

“You awake, [Name]?”

You could only nod in response, not trusting yourself to communicate with him verbally at the moment.

“Are you still tired? Were you hurt?”

You shook your head no.

Garou breathed a sigh of relief, moving to lie on his back and pulling you on top of him. He must’ve been half-asleep or something because he sounded as if he was dreaming judging from what he told you next.

“Good. You look so hot in your matching underwear by the way, but even better with my top. Hnn… should wear it more often, and preferably with nothing underneath…”

Face beet red from his words, you half-heartedly pulled yourself away from him, struggling feebly against his hold on you.

“I had to change your clothes for you, don’t want you gettin’ sick or something. You were so hot drenched in monster blood earlier, you know,” he continued sleepily, eyes shut while his arms around you tightened to prevent you from escaping. “Wouldn’t mind getting beaten by you again, just-“ here, one of his hands lazily moved down, palm tracing the curve of your ass and finally found its way to your left thigh and giving it a soft squeeze “-crush my head between these killers, huh…”

Oh, god. Never had you wanted to be struck by lightning in your damn life, and yet you couldn’t deny that his sleepy rambling and lazy ministrations were turning you on.

Fuck on a stick, why were you just accepting the fact right now that you have also harboured a thing for him?

“Um, G-Garou,” you softly called him, gently poking his cheek with your finger. God, he was making you feel one hundred kinds of tingly, but you would damn yourself to hell if you let him continue. “W-Wake up, you p-p-pervert, and s-stop touching m-me lewdly!”

Not one to disappoint you, Garou opened his eyes and stared openly at you, gaze smoldering as his hand remained squeezing your thigh.

“Really? That’s what you’re gonna tell me?” he scoffed at you. The corners of his lips quirked up in a devilish smirk. “Hell no, [Name]. I’ve waited long enough for this and don’t have much patience left any longer.”

With that, Garou sat up and braced you against his chest, your legs straddling him. Both his hands were now on your thighs each, fingers digging greedily on your exposed skin. You bit back a moan when he nudged your forehead with his, making you look up at him. He pressed his open mouth to yours, stifling the surprised squeak that slipped past your lips.

“This is your fault, you know,” he told you between kisses, “beating me up twice and seducing me with these fucking thighs.” Garou kneaded the soft flesh of your thighs roughly, chuckling at the soft moan you let out. “How dare you make me feel horny every damn time I’m around you, little lady. Think I’ll always let you get away with it? Think I’m just teasing you for the fun of it? No, no, no…”

He yanked the collar of his sweater with his teeth and his searching mouth quickly found your neck, nibbling and sucking on your skin hard enough to leave a mark. Your moans and whimpers turned him on even further, egging him on to continue what he was doing.

“Dumbass [Name]… think your fucking blush have no effect on me?” he grumbled against your skin.

“A-Ah, Garou…” you moaned breathlessly, eyes closed tight they hurt. Your hands gripped his shoulders hard enough to hurt, fingernails digging on his skin. Garou let out a pleased hum against your throat, dragging his teeth and tongue on your skin. You were just sleeping next to each other. How the hell did it escalate to this?

But you would be fucking lying if you said you didn’t want this. It might have been a long time coming, even.

Garou was being high-key thirsty for you, that you knew because he was being blatant about it. But he didn’t know that you were low-key having the hots for him.

That didn’t mean, however, that you would let him get to your pants easily.

Garou’s lips found yours again, and he was quick to slip his tongue inside your mouth when you gasped as he slipped one of his hands under his sweater you were wearing. Almost abandoning all common sense, you returned his kisses shyly but just as fervently, carding your fingers through his wild hair. He groaned delightedly against your mouth when you raked your nails against his scalp.

He shifted you on his lap and that was when you felt something poking your inner thigh.

You were loathe to stop this little romp he started, but you would be damned if you were continuing this without a proper label between the two of you, more so marriage prospects!

(Yeah, you were old-fashioned like that.)

You parents would be mortified and proud at the same time. They raised you a prude, for fuck’s sake after all. And Badd teasing you should he see the mark on your neck would just fucking kill you with embarrassment. Also, he might get a tiny bit infuriated should he find out that the one who gave it to you was the infamous Hero Hunter-

Garou let out a startled yelp when you covered his face with your hands and moved to plant your knees on his thighs.

“[Name]-?!”

Face bright red not from being turned on but from sheer mortification (well, you’re still proud of yourself from making him feel pretty excited), you removed your hands from his face and scrambled to get on your feet. You stumbled gracelessly on the wooden floor and tugged the hem of his sweater down to fully cover your still-exposed thighs.

“T-Take– Take your r-raging d-dick elsewhere, Garou!” you screeched at him with pure embarrassment flooding your face.

“I am taking it elsewhere!” he yelled back at you childishly. “I’m taking it to you, idiot!”

“Oh, my god! D-Don’t say it like that!”

“The fuck are you acting like this for, now? Just when we’re getting at the good part…” Garou complained, pouting – actually pouting! – at you. Suddenly, his eyes widened with realization and he stared at you in astonishment. “Don’t tell me… Are you a fuckin’ virgin, [Name]?”

If only the ground could swallow you or you either die from utter humiliation. Before you knew it, you had crossed the short distance between the two of you and shoved your fists weakly against his chest.

“S-S-S-So what if I-I am?!”

Much to your consternation, Garou only laughed uproariously at your confirmation. You shrieked wordlessly at him, weakly hitting his chest as he continued guffawing at you.

“S-Stop laughing, asshole!” you yelled, tears of embarrassment pooling on the corners of your eyes. “W-What’s so b-bad about being a v-virgin?”

Garou, trying his best to contain his laughter, looked at you rather proudly and shrugged. “Nothin’ bad about it, really. I just can’t believe that hot stuff like ya ain’t even gotten laid yet.”

You knew it wasn’t possible, but you could feel your face getting redder and hotter at being called hot by a stupidly, terribly attractive hunk. You asked him for confirmation, slightly hoping that you didn’t mishear, “I-I’m… hot?”

“Lady, I won’t even try to think about getting into your pants if I think you’re not,” he deadpanned, brow raised as if you had said something idiotic. Garou grabbed you by the waist and attempted to pull you back to his lap, but you braced your hands against his chest and opted to stand between his legs. He complained, “I just want you to sit here, dumbass! What now?”

“I don’t want to! Not with t-that- that thing poking my butt!” you protested, still blushing heavily.

“Fucking damn it, woman,” Garou groaned, sounding pained. “I get you’re a virgin and may not want to continue since it’s understandably your first time or something, and I respect that even if I wanna bone you so fuckin’ bad right now. We’ll stop, okay? I’ll stop. I just wanna hold you close! Sit on my thigh or beside me, for fuck’s sake!”

Warmth filled your chest, the wholesome kind, at Garou being respectful and mustering every ounce of self-restraint for you. You heeded him and sat on his right thigh, although mindful of the raging boner he was still sporting. Shyly, you looked at him and saw that he wasn’t even a bit embarrassed about it. Garou returned your stare, golden gaze softening as he planted a kiss on your temple.

“Have I told you already that you’re damn hot?” he asked you quietly, eyes roaming your body earnestly. He placed a hand on one of your thighs and ran his thumb on the exposed skin.

You bit the inside of your cheek when he looked back at your face, his tongue darting out to wet his lips.

“B-But I’m not-“ you griped, averting your gaze meekly.

“Hell, you are. Covered in monster blood or not.”

You covered your face with your hands in embarrassment.

“S-Stop it. You just wanna continue…”

“I told you already, we don’t have to if you’re not ready,” Garou fussed at you. “Haven’t ya been listening?”

“I-I’m sorry…”

“Tch. You should be.”

You peeked at him through your fingers and saw the tender way he was looking at you. Huh. What’s with that expression just now?

Garou scooped you in his arms and settled you on the couch. He stood up and repositioned himself on the floor, his back to you.

“Go back to sleep,” he told you.

“Um… what about you?”

He titled his head to look at you, brow raised again. “I’m taking the floor,” he told you. “Not unless you want me up there with you, and I’m tellin’ you: I get to touch you again, and there’s no stopping me anymore. You want that?”

You swooped forward and kissed his cheek thoughtlessly, loving the way his eyes widened at you like a puppy’s and cheeks dusted pink. You shot him a grateful smile and ruffled his messy hair.

“T-Thank you, Garou,” you told him sincerely. “For doing this… and for looking out for me. I… I must’ve passed out earlier, huh? There were lots of monsters around, and, I-I got really scared when… um…”

“You’re looking out for me, too, [Name],” he replied. “You didn’t really have to continue being friends with me after all these, but… you get my drift.”

He had a point, to be honest. But you liked him for who he was, anyway. Liked him as a friend, you meant.

Are you sticking with just friends, though? After what happened, you idiot?  You asked yourself as you laid down on your side, facing Garou. He was facing forward now, shoulders relaxing and his breathing evening out.

You had to admit that you might be harbouring a little crush on the guy despite all the teasing he was raining down on you. Garou might be the Hero Hunter, but he was always so nice – kind – to you. Hell, he might’ve laughed at you for being a virgin, but he had respected you and stopped himself when he caught on your panic earlier.

“I get you’re a virgin and may not want to continue since it’s understandably your first time or something, and I respect that even if I wanna bone you so fuckin ’bad right now. We’ll stop, okay? I’ll stop.”

You couldn’t stop the smile on your face as you closed your eyes, hopefully dreaming of a gentlemanly Garou wooing you in your dreams.

“[Name].”

“Hmm?” you hummed sleepily.

“You better be ready next time, ‘coz you ain’t gonna cockblock me anymore.”

You smacked him hard on the head, telling yourself that he deserved to get knocked out for being such a fucking pervert.

---

to be continued

[mind-reader1]

Queen of Hearts (Ch. 23)

Drake x MC (Emma Barnes)

TRR AU: What would happen if Emma loved Drake but had to marry Liam?

Catch up here

Warnings: NSFW, cursing, angst(ish) 

Note: Enjoy. Here’s the thing you dared me to add @ooo-barff-ooo . For other song in this chapter, check out: Andante, Andante by ABBA 

Word Count:

Summary: Emma and Liam have a joined bachelor/bachlorette party in Vegas, but something wicked this way comes for Drake and Emma. They just can’t seem to catch a break. 

Chapter 23: Sugar We’re Goin Down - Fall Out Boy

We’re going down, down in an earlier round And Sugar, we're going down swinging I’ll be your number one with a bullet A loaded God complex, cock it and pull it

Is this more than you bargained for yet? Oh, don't mind me, I'm watching you two from the closet Wishing to be the friction in your jeans Isn’t it messed up how I’m just dying to be him? 

The only details that Maxwell would reveal about the party before they arrived in Vegas was that it was a joint bachelor/bachelorette party. They checked in, changed so that everyone was wearing dark colors except for Emma who wore a short gold dress that clung to her curves, and were whisked away to a nightclub, the first stop of the night. No one seemed to notice the man in a brown leather jacket and jeans following them, except for Liam. At the nightclub, a magician performed, seemingly throwing a knife at Emma who was tied up, before then calling Olivia up onto the stage to demonstrate his “control” over a tiger. The next thing on Maxwell’s agenda was a scavenger hunt for 3 of the crown jewels which he had apparently “borrowed” from the palace without anyone knowing, Emma was really beginning to question how good the security was. Emma was on a team with Liam, Drake and Hana. The other team captain was Olivia who teamed up with Bertrand, Penelope, and Kiara. Maxwell waited at the meeting point for both teams to return before giving them the next clues. Once the scavenger hunt was over, they returned to the hotel bar where Drake pulled her back.

“You’re not drinking?” Emma was surprised as everyone else had made a beeline for the bar.

“Actually, there was something I wanted to do, just the two of us...if you’re up for it.” There was a small smile on Drake’s face, she knew it had to be something good.

“You know that I’d sneak away with you for anything over these crowds any day.” Drake gently tugged her hand pulling her back onto the strip. The man from before always making sure he had them in his sight. They wandered hand in hand until they reached the base of the mini Statue of Liberty.

“Feel right at home?” Drake asked as Emma looked it up and down.

“New York hasn’t been my home for a long time Drake, I already told you, my home is wherever you are.” Drake chuckled.

“My world hasn’t been the same since the night we met Emma. I still remember the first thing I said to you.”

“Forget the table. Just bring us whiskey and lots of it.” Emma finished for him.

“I’m impressed you remember.”

“I’m impressed you remember. I don’t want to dwell on New York though, we only have one good memory there, what’s next?” Drake wasn’t going to argue, the one good memory they had from New York was just a fleeting moment. Hand in hand they rode an elevator down to an underground room resembling Venice, the ceiling was painted to look like a sunset, even the gondolas were in a real canal. Drake stepped into one and held his hand out to help Emma in. The gondolier took off down the canal and Emma snuggled up against Drake.

“I never properly thanked you for helping me clear my name, tracking down that photographer in Italy.” Drake shrugged.

“You shouldn’t be thanking me Barnes because your name got cleared you’re going to be queen.”

“But I got to stay at court because we cleared my name. So, shut up and let’s do Italy right this time.” Drake chuckled and wrapped an arm around Emma until the gondolier stopped beside the sidewalk.

“Guess the ride’s over. Don’t worry, I’ve got another stop in mind though.” Drake helped Emma out and took her to their last stop, the Eiffel tower.

“Paris, we found your sister while we were there.” Drake smiled.

“Yeah, all because of you. Now I’ve got my sister and a nephew. My family’s grown because of you Barnes.” Drake leaned against the railing, sighing.

“What?���

“I just wish that you could be a part of that family, you and Liam are gonna be married soon, I’ll just be the other man.”

“You’ll be the only man Drake. Think of this as our own private engagement tour, for us.” Drake grabbed Emma’s hips and pulled her body flush against his, she looked up at his lips, licking her own.

“You should kiss me now.”

“You think I’m going to kiss you every time you say something sweet?” He teased. “Because you’d be right.” Drake’s lips met hers in a heated kiss, his hands squeezing her butt. He began to kiss down her neck, his hands wandering over every sensitive spot on her body.

“Drake!” Emma gasped. She was dripping wet, Drake silenced her with a kiss before both their phones began to ring, breaking them apart. Their friends were beginning to wonder where they’d gone. It was time to head back and Emma was more than a little disappointed. They got back to the bar and Emma sidled up next to Liam who discreetly tucked his phone back into his pocket.

“Lady Emma, I’m glad you’ve decided to grace us with your presence at our party. Lady Kiara retired after she couldn’t find Drake, and Penelope shortly after that.” She gave Liam an apologetic smile.

“I know things haven’t at all worked out the way you thought they would, or intended, and that we’ve had a tough time figuring this out, but I do care about you Liam. None of this has been easy for me either and I hope you know that Drake cares about you too and that you guys are able to work through this.”

“I know Lady Emma, none of this has been easy.”

“Someday you’re going to find the one that makes you realize I was never the one for you anyways, we’re too volatile Liam.”

“I think I’m starting to see it, but I’m going to take it slower this time.” He smiled before looking down the bar at Olivia who was out of earshot. Emma gently squeezed his shoulder and wandered back over to Drake.

“Before we turn into the night, is there anything left you want to do?” Emma grinned wickedly and nodded, running off to the bartender, handing him a $20. She whispered something in his ear and she pulled Drake back over to the bar, shoving him onto a chair. Drake had missed the sign that said Tuesday nights were karaoke night, even though it wasn’t Tuesday, for $20 the bartender was willing to help Emma out.

“This is for someone very special to me.” Emma purred into the microphone grabbing everyone’s attention in the bar as she climbed up onto the other end. Drake’s eyes widened in shock, mortified as music began playing. Everyone was a bit worried that Emma was about to embarrass herself, except for Maxwell.

“YES EMMA!” He cheered her on as she began singing.

“Take it easy with me, please. Touch me gently like a summer evening breeze.Take your time, make it slow. Andante, Andante. Just let the feeling grow.” Her voice was soft and melodic as she locked eyes with Drake from across the bar, slowly walking towards him. He loved watching her up there, teasing him, but he didn't like all eyes on him as she got closer.

“Make your fingers soft and light. Let your body be the velvet of the night. Touch my soul, you know how. Andante, Andante. Go slowly with me now.” She ran her hands over her curves before kneeling down in front of Drake on the bar, the whole crowd cheering her on as she leaned in close, brushing their lips together before pulling away. Drake shifted uncomfortably in his chair, trying to hide his growing bulge from the crowd watching them.

“I'm your music (I am your music and I am your song). I'm your song (I am your music and I am your song). Play me time and time again and make me strong (Play me again 'cause you're making me strong). Make me scream, make me sound (You make me sing and you make me).” She winked as she changed the lyrics, the whole bar whooping and cheering for them now.

“Andante Andante. Tread lightly on my ground. Andante, Andante. Oh, please don't let me down.” She finished crawling into his lap, never breaking his gaze. It was as if the rest of the bar had disappeared. Everyone cheered them, too busy to notice as Liam slammed his drink back, leaving the empty glass on the bar, Olivia chasing after him.

“Where the hell did that come from Barnes?”

“I think the better question is why you haven’t taken me back to your room yet for one last fling before I’m a married woman.” Without hesitation Drake scooped Emma up and went straight for the elevator, the crowd still whooping and cheering behind them. Emma fumbled around in Drake’s pocket for his room key, and he hastily stumbled inside. Drake dropped Emma on the bed and began tearing at her dress, but she stopped him, gently putting a hand against his chest to stop him.

“What is it Barnes?”

“Didn’t you hear the song?” Drake nodded.

“Why do you think I was in such a hurry to get you up here?” Emma rolled her eyes.

“Take your time, make it slow. Make your fingers soft and light, let your body be the velvet of the night.” She grabbed Drake’s hand, gently guiding it, moving her hair to the side before slowly pulling her dress down. Drake got the point, he kissed slowly, his fingertips just brushing her skin as he pulled down her underwear. Emma shivered at his touch before slowly undressing him and guiding him back to the bed, where he laid on top of her. He took his time, kissing, sucking, teasing every sensitive spot, she gripped the sheets underneath them, reveling in the way his tongue felt on every part of her body.  

“I want you so badly Barnes.” He whispered against her ear, his hard cock teasing her entrance.

“Good, because I can’t wait any longer.” Drake rocked slowly, and Emma gasped as he filled her completely, moving all the way in and out with every thrust.

“What was that line? Make me scream, make me sound? I’m going to make love to you all night as you scream my name Emma Barnes.” He rocked faster, thrusting with more force. Emma could feel herself coming undone.

“Oh my god. Drake.”

“Louder Barnes.”

“DRAKE!” she screamed as her first orgasm hit. Drake kept up his pace, finding his own release as Emma’s second orgasm washed over her.

“YES DRAKE!”

“Barnes!” Both were breathing heavy, but Drake rolled off grinning. “I’m not done with you yet.” he began kissing down her breasts, her stomach, his hand trailing over her skin where his lips had been moments before. She was already wet with anticipation as Drake’s tongue slipped between her legs, teasing her lips, her clit, before he slipped two fingers in her, pumping. She tangled her hands in his hair, he moaned against her, Emma’s coil wound tight once more.

“Cum for me Barnes and scream my name, I want to taste you while everyone knows your mine.” He removed his fingers and stuck his tongue in her.

“YES DRAKE! OH MY GOD DRAKE!” Emma’s third and most intense orgasm washed over her in waves of pleasure, and by the time it was over, she was completely spent. She didn’t care who heard them, what they thought, and she didn’t care who found them together the next morning. She wasn’t going to leave him after a night like that, besides, she wasn’t sure her legs would work anyways. Drake laid beside her on his back, his arm out. Emma scooted up and laid on her side, curled up against Drake, he pulled her close, their faces just inches from each other. She flung her leg over his. Emma was fighting sleep as Drake kissed her nose gently.

“That was one hell of a last fling Walker.”

“You inspired me.” Emma smiled and closed her eyes. “I love you Em.” He whispered, but she was already asleep.

Liam was up before Olivia the next morning, leaving her in bed while he slipped downstairs into the lobby. The man from yesterday was waiting for him, large manilla envelope in hand.

“This is what you wanted.” Damien handed the envelope over, feeling his stomach churn. He had followed the couple all day yesterday since they arrived in Vegas, he was usually happy to bust cheating spouses, but this was different. It didn't take him long to put the pieces together after hearing their conversations, they were in love, but she was being forced to marry the king. Their relationship was forbidden, he was a commoner. It didn't feel right following them, intruding on their private stolen moments, the only way he could justify it was by telling himself they should have been more careful in public. Not flaunting their relationship in front of the king, but the king already had a mistress. It didn't feel fair to Damien, but this was a job and he couldn't let his personal feelings get in the way.

“Thank you, Mr. Nazario. I know she doesn't love me, but I can't have them ruining this by parading around in public.” Damien nodded and left silently, desperate to be back in New York.

Early that morning there was an urgent pounding on the door. Emma groggily rolled out of bed and tossed Drake’s shirt on answering it to find Liam, Maxwell and Hana on the other side. None of them seemed surprised to see her, Liam the only one scowling at her attire. She had guessed they’d already stopped by her room.

“A little early for a wakeup call isn’t it?” Liam cleared his throat uncomfortably.

“We need to get back to Cordonia ASAP!” Maxwell, always high energy panicked Emma, she thought something else had happened.

“We have wedding details to finalize.” Hana gave her a small smile as Drake stirred behind them.

“Barnes? Who is it?” He rubbed his eyes and when he realized who it was, quickly checked to make sure he was covered by the sheets.

“Oh...uh...um.”

“We all heard you last night, no need to be shy.” Liam quipped, both of them felt the color rise to their cheeks.

“I just hope that Lady Emma didn’t wake Kiara or Penelope last night on the floor below, she was screaming a different man’s name after all.” Olivia appeared in the doorway smirking.

“Perhaps they heard you and Liam instead.” Emma raised her eyebrow, she wasn’t sure, but based on the way color rose to Liam’s cheeks and Olivia’s facade wavered, she would venture to guess she was right.

“Anyways,” Maxwell tried to ease some of the tension, we’ll see you two in the lobby in a bit!” he slammed the door shut behind them all.

“Damn Barnes.” Drake chuckled. Emma climbed onto the bed and planted a soft kiss on his lips.

“I'm tired of people trying to make us feel bad for being in love. Maybe it's time they got a taste of their own medicine.”

“I think it worked. I also think it was sexy.” Drake pulled her down and hovered over her as he kissed her. Emma giggled and forced her way off the bed.

“We'll have to pick that up later, right now we can't miss our flight, Liam might actually kiss us then.”

“Alright Barnes.” Drake sighed and climbed out of bed.

They only had about an hour of downtime before Madeleine had something scheduled for the wedding party. Liam called Drake and Emma into his study, and an uneasy feeling grew in the pit of their stomachs. It only got worse once they actually stepped inside, the lights dimmed, Liam leaned back in his chair, the only sound ice hitting his glass as the swirled the whiskey.

“What’s going on Liam?” he still didn't say a word, leaning forward in his chair he slid a photo forward with a single finger, multiple lined up neatly on his desk. Drake and Emma came over to look.

“What's this?” His voice had an unnerving level of cool calmness to it, his fingers drummed on the desk, almost drowning out the sound of Emma and Drake's racing hearts. He was waiting for them to try and talk their way out of this, to try and lie to him again, this time he had proof. He was ready for them.

“It looks like me spending some alone time at my bachelorette party with the man I love.” Emma shoved the photo back at him, searching for Liam's eyes in the darkness. It was only seconds, but the only noise in the room was the thumping of their hearts and it was deafening.

Ba dum. Ba dum. Ba dum. Ba dum.

“I've told you so many times you must be careful. You promise to be and every time it fails. Now look at what you've done! Could you imagine if the press got their hands on these?” Emma grabbed the other pictures of her and Drake from the night before, these weren't paparazzi photos. These were far too close, Drake and Emma would've noticed paparazzi following them, that left only one explanation.

BA DUM. BA DUM. BA DUM. BA DUM.

“I can't believe you! You had someone follow us? This was supposed to be my bachelorette party! You couldn't let me enjoy one weekend!”

“No, because you need to understand the consequences of your actions! You are going to be royalty as of tomorrow. A scandal like this would ruin us.”

BA DUM BA DUM. BA DUM BA DUM. BA DUM BA DUM.

Emma thought her heart was going to beat right out of her chest, she'd never been so angry with someone.

“I don't want it Liam. I never wanted it! Take the duchy, take the ring! Take it all, I don't care anymore!”

“Well, you don't have a choice Emma! We will be married and that's the end of this discussion.” Liam slammed his tumbler back down onto the desk, Drake and Emma flinching as he stormed out of the room. The moment he was gone, Emma latched onto Drake shaking, Liam was a monster, out of control. He comforted her until they ran out of time, Madeleine summoning them with threats.

Tag List:  @notoriouscs @brightpinkpeppercorn @ooo-barff-ooo@leelee10898@princesstopgun@choicesyouplayandmore@sleepwalkingelite@roonarific   @indigo39@skyila@speedyoperarascalparty @andy-loves-corgis@furiousherringoperatortoad@drakewalkerfics@findingdrake@sue9659@smritysriv@larryssunflower@likethetailofacomet@zaffrenotes@mrsdrakewalkerblog @agent-bossypants @endlessly-searching-for-you   @cgd03

[animegirl431]

Trifiesta day 3: Summer/Travel

Family Time and the Necessities of Summer

-Sorry this is late -There were many ideas I wanted to include -And for some reason I can never just write a short little scenario for this couple -Yokozawa may seem a little out of character

Throwing swim trunks, two towels, a bottle of sunscreen, his keys, and his wallet in a gym bag, Yokozawa let out a sigh. Shifting his eyes to his watch, the salesman realized that Kirishima would be there to pick him up any minute now. Grabbing his bag, Yokozawa walked to his living room. Plopping on to the couch and throwing the bag next to him, Yokozawa tipped his head back.

A small headache formed as he thought about how he ended up in this situation. Last weekend, Kirishima and Hiyori brought up going to the pool. Despite his best efforts to protest and voicing his concerns later to Kirishima, the salesman was left to reluctantly agree it go with them. Yokozawa still had his doubts about how good an idea this was. However, as per usual, he was completely outspoken and outnumbered in the decision.

On the edge of falling asleep, Yokozawa’s phone chimed with a text. Giving it a quick glance, Yokozawa rose to his feet. Frowning, Yokozawa picked up this bag and exited his apartment. ‘I am never going to be able to say no when they team up am I?’ Shaking his head, Yokozawa took the elevator down to the ground floor. Walking out the door of the apartment complex, the dark haired man was greeted by the sight of his lover standing by the open car trunk.

Grinning, Kirishima waved Yokozawa over in a dramatic fashion. ‘He looks like an excited dog waiting for his owner. Is he trying to draw everyone’s attention to himself? It’s not like Kirishima needs to do anything extra, his appearance naturally does that.’ Turning his head from side tot side, sure enough Yokozawa saw people stopping to watch Kirishima.

An internal debate raged in Yokozawa about whether or not he should just turn around now. If not for the fact that he loved Kirishima and didn’t want upset him or his daughter, Yokozawa would have. Shooting his lover a glare, Yokozawa moved to stand next to Kirishima. Immediately, Kirishima grabbed Yokozawa’s bag and placed it in the trunk with the other two bags. Then, the brown haired man closed the trunk.

Rushing to the car door ahead of Yokozawa, Kirishima opened it for him. “Here you go.”

Ducking his head Yokozawa got into the car. When properly settled in the seat, Kirishima closed the door for him. Annoyed, the salesman went to complain to Kirishima when said man entered the car. Arms wrapping loosely around his neck from behind, caused him to jump and let out a surprised squeak. As soon as he heard that, Kirishima covered his mouth and moved his head towards the window to hide his laughter.

“I’m sorry, Onii-chan. I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m just really happy you came with us,“Hiyori apologize sincerely, but could help the laughing slightly.

"It’s okay,"Yokozawa said through gritted teeth and blushing lightly.

The salesman was torn between wanting to snap at both of them for laughing and wanting to just enjoy their pleasant laughs. Shifting in his seat, Yokozawa positioned himself to face away from Kirishima.

"Can we go now?” Yokozawa asked, as both Kirishima and Hiyori had regained their composure.

Looking to his daughter and receiving an excited nod, Kirishima responded, “Here we go.”

A full hour passed in silence as each person was doing their own thing. Hiyori had earbuds in and was listening to music. Yokozawa spent the whole time watching the scenery pass through the car window. Kirishima was driving them to their destination and paying careful attention to road signs that may hinder their route. Hand pressed against his cheek, Yokozawa leaned forward as he read the sign with bold letters reading Setagaya Chitose pool: open. Straightening up and yawning, Yokozawa heard an excited squeal from Hiyori.

Lips forming a smile, Yokozawa observed as Hiyori gazed out the window with bright eyes at their destination. Outside there were pools, a lazy river, and multiple huge water slides. Based on the website Yokozawa checked out, the inside pool area looked the same. All three of them had agreed that they would prefer to go to the indoor pool to avoid having to run around in the intense heat.

Distracted, both Hiyori and Yokozawa were unaware that the car had come to a stop. Watching over his lover and daughter, Kirishima was reluctant to interrupt them. Yet, staying in the car defeated the purpose of them traveling all this way. Opening the car door and exciting the vehicle, Kirishima went to retrieved the bags from the car trunk. As he closed the car trunk, Kirishima noticed that Hiyori and Yokozawa hadn’t left the car yet.

Going over to the driver’s side window, Kirishima knocked on it three times. Jumping in shock, both Hiyori and Yokozawa whipped their heads in the direction of the sound. Smirking present on his face, Kirishima motioned with his hands for them to get out of the car.

Once all three of them were out of the car they walked toward the entrance of the Setagaya Chitose pool. Kirishima had decided to carry all three bags and ignored both of his companions instances that they could carry their own stuff. Giving up, Hiyori and Yokozawa found it was easier to let Kirishima have his way on this. Yokozawa opened the door and held it open for both Kirishima and Hiyori.

Entering the building, all three looked around. There were white walls covered with paintings. In a few corners there were colorful fish tanks full of all kinds of different fish. It was decidedly, a peaceful and relaxing atmosphere. Having gotten their fill of looking around, they approached the reception desk.

A young girl with bright blue eyes, wearing a named tag with Kita written, on it smiled at them. “Hello, how may I help you?”

“The three of us want access to the pool,” Kirishima answers politely.

“Okay. That will be 1,440 yen($13.11),” Kita replied with a sparkle in her eye.

Kirishima handed over the exact amount of money. She took the money and deposited it in the cash register. Reaching to the side she grabbed three wrist bands and handed them to Kirishima.

“You are all set. Head down that hallway. Girls locker rooms are to right and boys are on the left,"Kita explained cheerfully, motioning in the appropriate directions. "Have a wonderful day.”

Thanking Kita, the trio head off down the hallway. As they walk they see multiple rooms with various purposes such as a work out room. Eventually, they reach the locker rooms which are located directly across from each other.

“Here’s where we split up. See you in the pool area,” Hiyori announced, holding out her hand for Kirishima to give it to her.

Passing the bag to his adorable daughter, Kirishima and Yokozawa watched her disappear into the girl’s locker room. Turning around the two men walked over to the boy’s locker room. Grasping the handle, Yokozawa held the door open for Kirishima and followed him in. Scanning the locker room, both men were aware of how spacious and quiet it was. Choosing a locker, Kirishima set both of their gym bags down.

“I expected more people to be here,” Yokozawa voiced, as he reached into his swim bag to retrieve his swim trunks and two towels.

“Maybe going to the pool isn’t a popular thing to do this summer,” Kirishima dismissed, while pulling out his own swim trunks and towel.

“If you say so,” Yokozawa said with a tone full of disbelief.

Yokozawa turned and started to walk toward a designated changing area. A hand yanking him not so gently stopped him. Letting out a angry groan, Yokozawa whipped around to glare at his lover.

“Where are you going?” Kirishima asked with an innocent look. “To change,” Yokozawa gruffly answered with a pointed stare.

“You can do that right here. There is no one else here besides us,” Kirishima countered, motioning all around the empty locker room.

“I would prefer not to,” Yokozawa warily replies, already predicting what Kirishima was going to say.

“Come on~ What’s the harm? It’s not we haven’t seen each other naked multiple times. In my opinion, you should want to hide your sexy body,” Kirishima playfully responds as his eyes roam over Yokozawa’s still clothed body. “I promise to be on my best behavior.”

Face heating up, Yokozawa realizes this wasn’t going to end in his favor. Turning a serious expression on Kirishima, Yokozawa sternly states,“Fine. You win. I’m changing here. If you even try to touch me while I am changing, there will be no sex for one week or maybe more.”

A fake offend look appeared on Kirishima’s face. 'Damnit, looks like it is a no go this time. Oh well, later works too.’ In a situation like this, Kirishima knew to listen to Yokozawa. From past experiences, Kirishima has come to learn that Yokozawa would make good on his words.

Raising his hands in the air to signal surrender, Kirishima says,“No touching. I got it.”

Satisfied, the dark haired salesman was now able to safely chane without fear of getting jumped. Aware of the brown eyes intensely watching his every move, Yokozawa decided to tease him a bit by slowly removing his shirt and shorts. He slid his underwear of inch by inch. Hearing a tortured sounding groan, Yokozawa smiled enjoying being able to turn the tables on his lover. Sliding into his black swim trunks, Yokozawa looked over at his partner who had a towel wrapped around himself.

Figuring out what had happened, Yokozawa grinned evilly. “I’m going ahead. Take your time and come and join us when you are ready.

"You are just going to leave me here? Isn’t that a bit cruel?” Kirishima asked, not happy about his current state.

“Consider it payback for teasing me all the time,” Yokozawa returns as he heads to the door leading to the pool. “See you soon.”

Hiyori and Yokozawa placed their towels on one of the chairs. After explaining to Hiyori that her father needed a little more time to change, they decided to check out the pool. Same as in the locker room, there was no one else around in the pool. Silently, Yokozawa was displeased with this.

Yokozawa was all for having no one around to question or give judging at there being two men and a little girl together. The downside was no waiting in long lines for anything. In other words, the two men were going to keep up with the adorable and fully energized Hiyori. Keeping a neutral face, Yokozawa occasionally shifted his eyes to Hiyori to see what was piquing her interest. Unfortunately, for Yokozawa all of the water slides, pools, and lazy river brought a gleam of excitement to the young girl’s eyes.

Halting Hiyori, Yokozawa had heard Kirishima’s footsteps approaching. Not wasting any time, Kirishima quickly caught up with Hiyori and Yokozawa.

Shooting Yokozawa a glare, Kirishima faced his daughter with an apologetic smile, “Sorry for the wait.”

“It’s okay. We have the whole pool to ourselves! We don’t have to hurry,” Hiyori spoke overjoyed at this development. “Let’s do everything!”

Reassessing their surroundings, both men exchanged challenging gazes. Kirishima and Yokozawa had the same idea and wanted to be the one to initiate it. However, Hiyori had watched the two and acknowledged that they didn’t really want to run around with her. She accepted that. They worked hard during the week days and should be able to relax. Hiyori had already got what she really wanted. All three of them were together with no distractions.

“Father, Onii-chan. If you want you can go relax in a chair or the pool. I’m fine going around by myself,” Hiyori told the two men with a sincere smile.

Kirishima and Yokozawa both felt a little guilty as they shifted their gaze to the little girl. Here the youngest of them all was ready to selflessly put aside her own wants to cater to them. This trip was intended for the three of them to spend time together during Hiyori’s summer vacation and that was what they were going to do. Kirishima met Yokozawa’s eye and they both nodded.

“Nonsense, I am here to ride every water slide in sight,” Kirishima said, with a goofy smile.

“We do enough sitting around at the office,” Yokozawa added on, although the irony of his walking around all the time to checkin in on bookstores was not lost on him.

“Really?! Yay! You two are the best,” Hiyori shouted barely able to contain her happiness. Grabbing Kirishima and Yokozawa’s hand, Hiyori led them over to biggest water slide Yokozawa had ever seen in his life. “Let’s go! There is a lot to do. I figure we can start off big and end at the lazy river.”

Three hours passed and true to his word all three of them went on every waterslide in the building. Of course, Hiyori found the three biggest water slides to be the most exciting. Kirishima and Yokozawa had gone in those at least ten times each with Hiyori. Within the first 20 minutes of climbing up multiple steps and being tossed from side to side on slides, both men found themselves panting and utterly exhausted. As expected though, Hiyori didn’t look affected at all and hurried them off excitedly to the next destination. Every half hour, the three of them would take a break. Kirishima had been smart and brought them water bottles. Yokozawa gratefully drank the cool liquid. While resting, Kirishima and Yokozawa would ask Hiyori about how school was going. The salesman and editor smiled and laughed as Hiyori creatively and in great detail told them about everything she could. When she decided that they had enough time to rest, Hiyori would cut herself off and drag the two men away from their seats.

Now, here the three were floating on separate inflatable inner tubes down the lazy river. Closing his eyes, Yokozawa did his best not to move and just let the water take him where it would. Every muscle in his body ached. He knew Kirishima felt like wise as he heard the frequent his of pain from the man. The quietness from Hiyori let him know that the little girl was tuckered out. For ten minutes the three of them relaxed, content to drift aimlessly. Listening to the soothing sounds of the water, had Yokozawa struggling to keep his fluttering eyelids open.

“I’m ready to head home,” Hiyori said, disturbing the silence and getting both men to lean up to look at her.

“That’s good with m-” Yokozawa started to agree.

“Not so fast. Aren’t you forgetting something,” Kirishima inquired and encountered to equally puzzled faces.

“What are you talking about?” Hiyori and Yokozawa asked simultaneously.

“Ice cream. It’s an important part of summer,” Kirishima spoke with a tone of certainty.

“You are right! How could I forget?” Hiyori asked, sounding as if what Kirishima said was the most logical thing in the world.

Pressing his lips tightly to prevent them from hearing his laughter, Yokozawa responds,“Sometimes you two are so cute.”

Kirishima had an astonished look on his face, while Hiyori blushed. Neither of them moved and stared at the salesman.

Exiting the lazy river, Yokozawa looked back over his shoulder and playfully said, “Are you coming? I was told I was getting ice cream and I’m holding you to it.”

Blinking, Kirishima and Hiyori exchanged shocked expressions. However, they quickly broke out into radiant smiles. Really, Yokozawa never failed to hit them when their guard was down. Kirishima and Hiyori loved him for it though. Scrambling, to get out of the lazy river, they both called out,“Wait for me.”

Kirishima drive them to Soritoshi’s since it was the closest place to get I team given their location. The three walked in and up to the counter. Examining the menu board, the three made up their minds. Placing the order, Kirishima went to get his wallet out to pay.

Shoving his hand away, Yokozawa pulled out the necessary amount of money and handed Kirishima and Hiyori their cups of ice cream. “This is my treat for allowing me to come to the pool with you. I had a good time today.” Using leading them to a table to hide his blushing face, Yokozawa scooted over to the far side of a booth leaving room for Kirishima to sit down. Hiyori ecstatically followed Yokozawa and sat across from him. Kirishima claimed his seat best to the salesman purely unable to express how much how much he loved his partner.

“Thank you, Onii-chan. I’m glad you had fun today. The days we can hang out together, all three of us, never fail to be wonderful. The three of us fit together,” Hiyori chirped out between bites of her mint chocolate chip ice cream.

“I couldn’t have said it better myself,” Kirishima agreed with a tender smile on his face. He took a bite of his vanilla ice cream fondly remembering when Yokozawa said that they suited each other.

Nervously swallowing and blushing madly, Yokozawa spoke each word slowly making sure to express how much he agreed with them. “I couldn’t image myself anywhere else. This is all I need and more than I deserve.” Pausing to let Kirishima and Hiyori process his words, Yokozawa added the finishing blow. “I never want to leave you two. I love you.”

Hand wrapping around his wrist, Yokozawa was pulled out of the booth and into a hug. Another pair of smaller arms joined in. “We love you too.”

Moving his arms around Kirishima and Hiyori, Yokozawa let himself be surrounded by their love and warmth. 'Ah, I want this to never end.’

@trifiesta

[redeyedryu]

Apathy & Happenstance

Chapter 2 - Vexation and Aversion | 1 | x | 3

And we jump straight in to the next! And mind the end, you have a choice to make.

Summary: There’s something oddly familiar about these skeletons but you just can’t seem to put your finger on what, exactly, it is about them that’s nagging at the back of your mind.

“hey. bud.” Don't look at it. Absolutely do not look at it. Don't acknowledge it, don't even breathe the same air as it. ...no, okay, that last one might be a bit hard to manage (speaking of, do skeletons even breathe in the first place?). “hey. i know ya can hear me, sweetheart.”

Your brows furrow, lips pressing into a tight, straight line. Ignoring them isn't working, they're still here. Why are they still here?

“HUMAN!” cries the second one—the obnoxiously loud, tall, and pointy one.

Don't look at it, girl. There's still a chance they’ll go away, that this is all a figment of your imagination or something.

“NYNNNGH!!” it growls in frustration at your unresponsiveness, to not being acknowledged. It stomps a booted foot against the ground, various knickknacks shaking and jostling with the impact.

...so much for them being imaginary.

“ARE YOU PERHAPS TOO STUPID TO COMPREHEND THAT THE GREAT AND TERRIBLE PAPYRUS STANDS BEFORE YOU?” ...seriously? “OR PERHAPS… YOU ARE PARALYZED IN FEAR!” Oh it cannot be serious—though, it did sound rather smug just then...

It starts laughing. A somehow even more obnoxious, grating sound than its nails-on-a-chalkboard speaking voice. You have to bite the inside of your mouth to keep yourself from saying anything (and boy would you like to say something) but a snort still manages to weasel its way out.

The taller, more pokey skeleton freezes, and despite not having any indicator of where its gaze is directed with those empty eye sockets, you get the distinct feeling it's staring right at you. Although… maybe glaring is a better word? Regardless, don't look to confirm; just continue to keep the skeletons in your peripheral vision and nothing more.

“HUMAN…” There’s something of a warning tone to its voice. “DID YOU JUST… LAUGH AT ME?” It doesn’t sound happy. The smaller, more rounded looking one seems to be… sweating? Is its perspiration red?

“c-c’mon, boss. i’m sure she didn't mean nothin’...”

“SHUT UP, SANS.” the pointy skeleton yells at the sweaty one, stomping its foot once more, the rather forceful action causing a couple more knickknacks around the room to rattle. You're silently hoping nothing winds up tumbling off the walls or shelves if it keeps that up.

It's just as you're releasing an incredibly heavy, woeful sigh that the loud one rounds its attention back on you. It���s taken a step towards you, one red-gloved hand perched on the crest of hip bones peeking out from tight black pants, the opposite hand aimed and pointing straight at your face. You silently thank small miracles for the fact the coffee table forcefully separates the two of you, as you get the feeling its gloved finger would probably be lodged somewhere in the vicinity of your own eye socket otherwise.

“YOU!” the skeleton cries, “PATHETIC HUMAN! YOU DARE MOCK ME? PAPYRUS, CAPTAIN OF HIS HIGHNESS’S MOST PRESTIGIOUS AND TERRIFYING ROYAL GUARD?!”

Bite your tongue, girl. Don't give it what it wants.

The next few seconds that pass are awkward and riddled with tension but you stay firm in your stoicism.

“NNNGH!! ANSWER ME, YOU FILTHY, WRETCHED CREATURE!”

Attention. It clearly wants attention. Any kind of acknowledgement or validation.

“SAY SOMETHING, YOU IMBECILE! OR I SHALL BE FORCED T-”

You interrupt its little tirade with a loud slap from your laptop—perhaps closing it with a wee bit more force than you had meant—but it's enough of a distraction to shut the loud mouth up.

Perplexed, the two skeletons watch in silence as you slide off the couch, laptop grasped between your hands. As you bend over the coffee table you catch sight of the tall one snapping to attention, feet shifting to stand up straight and tall, arms crossing over its chest.

“NYEH HEH HEH,” it laughs as you set your laptop on the table, as you then lift to straighten yourself. “FINALLY BUILT UP THE COURAGE TO FACE OFF AGAINST THE TERRIBLE PAPYRUS, HAVE YO-” Its voice cuts off as you abruptly turn from it and its shorter, sweaty counterpart.

“HUMAN?!” Its tone is one of bafflement as you pad your way across the floor, from the plush area rug of the living room to the chilled wooden floors by your dining area, towards the key rack hanging by the door.

“WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU ARE GOING?!” You grab a jacket hanging nearby, slip into your shoes, and grab the keys off the rack, tossing them into a pocket. “WE ARE NOT DONE HERE!!” There's the unmistakable sound of it stomping its foot, of various knickknacks jostling about.

Don't turn to look. Don't even pause to consider. Just keep going through the motions of heading out.

You pat a pocket of your jacket, content when you're met with the feel of your cell phone. Pat another and you find your wallet. Good, you've got everything.

“GET BACK HERE, HUMAN! I AM NOT DONE SPEAKING TO YOU, YOU INFURIATING WRETCH!”

Hah. Joke’s on it if it thinks yelling demands and acting like an all around pompous buffoon will get you to acquiesce to its demands.

You grasp the handle of the door, twist, and without a glance back to the strange, red and black clad skeletons that had literally appeared out of thin air, you step out into the breezeway, door clicking shut behind you. You lock it before turning around and heading towards the stairs. There's silence at your back for a beat but as you reach the stairway you hear the unmistakable, muffled screaming of “The great and terrible Papyrus” coming from your apartment. If you were a more petty person you’d be reveling at the reaction you had elicited. Instead, you simply proceed on your way out. Judging by that particular skeleton’s reactions to being rebuffed, it's probably used to getting its way.

A hand slides into a pocket of your jacket to retrieve your phone. Maneuvering passed the lock screen, you pull up your preferred search engine. ‘Skeleton monsters, Sans and Papyrus’ is entered into the search bar as you work your way down a flight of stairs.

Your brows furrow as you hit ‘search’, lips pulled to one side in silent contemplation. There was something vaguely familiar about those two, their names especially so, but you just can't quite put your finger on exactly why they evoke such an odd reaction.

You reach the ground floor as the search index pulls up several pages worth of results. You only need to see the first to find what you're looking for.

“What the…”

You have to stop and take a good, hard look at the search results, at the images greeting you from the top of the page. It's unmistakable that Sans and Papyrus are indeed the names of a couple skeleton monsters but the ones smiling up at you from the pictures don't quite match the rather… for lack of a better world… edgy ones you had just left behind in your apartment. For one, these two look a whole heck of a lot more friendly. Secondly, you now remember why the names sounded so familiar.

Sans and Papyrus were part of the initial group of monsters to emerge from Mount Ebott, along with that one kid whose name you can't seem to remember. You think one of them had been some kind of mascot? A bodyguard?? You're not sure; you’ve never exactly been able to keep up-to-date with the news. Regardless, you recall having heard those name floating around for a good while, along with… who else was it? Alpyne? Undphys? No, those don't sound right… There's Toriel and Asgore—they're easy enough to remember since they're the Queen and King, respectively, and their names are always popping up everywhere, but you're finding it rather difficult to recall everyone else’s names… Oh well. Not like that's exactly pertinent to your current predicament.

Anyway! You're letting your mind wander. Get back on topic!

Alright. So. If you base the names to match up to general physical similarities, then the Sans you're looking at, aside from sporting a cooler color scheme of blues and whites, is missing the shark teeth and that one golden tooth of the other Sans. He’s wearing a loose white tee with a blue and grey zip-up hoodie over top, whereas the Sans upstairs is sporting a red turtleneck sweater under a black, fur-lined jacket accented in red and gold—and if you were being honest, it looked like something your younger self probably would have picked up from a certain store in the mall. Much like the sweaty Sans, this one’s also wearing black basketball shorts, though the line stretching down from top to bottom is white, rather than gold. The blue Sans also looks a lot less tense, more relaxed, despite noticeable dark rings around the bottom of his sockets.

The differences are more noticeable between the two Papyrus. ...Papyruses? ...Papyri? Whatever, that's not important.

While the pictured Papyrus definitely shares the physical characteristics of the one you left screaming in your wake, this one, too, is lacking in the pointy teeth department. He also doesn't have those jagged claw (?) marks across his left eye socket that his pointy doppelgänger does. He’s got some kind of rounded, white armor encasing his ribcage—it vaguely reminds to of an old video game from your youth that you never managed to finish. It's the polar opposite of his counterpart’s black, pointy variant. Some kind of blue underwear over black leggings (a reference to those good ol’ spandex wearing superheroes?) that counter the tight black pants of his other, though the red boots and gloves aren't too dissimilar. You find it interesting to note that both wear an overly large, red scarf wrapped around their neck, positioned in such a way that it could double as a cape.

“Weird…” you mutter, squinting your eyes at the screen and resuming your trek out and away from your apartment—from the nonsense that the universe decided to dump upon you. “They're like evil, edgy clones or something…”

You purse your lips, your face crinkling in intense thought and confusion. You ponder the possibility of the two pairs of monsters having the same names as being a coincidence—after all, just look at how many humans share the same name—but how would that explain their similarities? Twins? Monsters (or at least their King) do have a penchant for being absolutely terrible when it comes to names… but still, something just doesn't feel right, doesn't quite matchup.

You stop in your aimless wandering at a street corner, the signal across the road indicating pedestrian traffic to stop, and hang your head, an exasperated sigh escaping from between your lips.

Just what are you going to do about this?

* Contact the friendlier looking Sans and Papyrus

* Do nothing; you can deal with this mess later

[duke5sos]

Locked Out // Calum Hood AU Smut

I’m on an AU kick right now okay??? I asked, you answered, and you shall receive. Here’s some straight up AU smut for you because you wanted it. I’m a little out of practice with writing smut but I don’t think this is that awful. Inspired by this post. Feedback is always awesome and requests are open so shoot me some messages! xoxo

Summary: You thought you were in for a casual night in, but your hot neighbor seems to have locked himself out of his apartment. In his underwear. And he’s knocking on your door asking to come in until the landlord answers his phone calls. And he’s in his underwear. In your apartment.

Warnings: This is straight up smut like don’t read if you’re a child okay thanks.

A knocking on your apartment door interrupted the episode of The Office you were watching. It was nearly midnight on a Saturday. Your roommates had gone out, but you opted to stay in and binge watch the TV show for the millionth time. You paused the episode and got up from the couch to see who was at the door. You were acutely aware of the fact that you were wearing kid’s Little Mermaid pajama shorts, but you figured it was one of your drunk roommates returning early without her key.

You pulled open the door and couldn’t really process what was in front of you. Your hot neighbor — the one you and your roommates ogled from afar since he moved in a few months ago — was standing there in nothing but a pair of boxer briefs. “Um…hey,” he said with an awkward laugh. You stared back at him, unsure of how to react. “I totally locked myself out of my apartment and the super isn’t answering his phone and yeah…” he trails off, laughing awkwardly again. “Can I come in until he gets back to me?” he asks when you don’t respond.

You manage to snap out of it for long enough to answer. “Yeah, of course, sorry.” You step aside to let him into the apartment. “Make yourself at home,” you say to him when he stands awkwardly in your living room area.

He smiles and takes a seat on an armchair in the living room. “I really appreciate this. I’m Calum, by the way,” he says. He fidgets awkwardly on the couch, probably because he’s half naked in a strangers apartment. His body is just as nice as you imagined it would be — toned and tan, his spotting of tattoos on full display.

“I’m Y/N,” you answer. “Um, I think my roommate probably has one of her boyfriends t-shirts in her room that you could borrow,” you tell him.

“That would be awesome.” You nod and walk into your roommates room and rifle through her drawers. You finally find a t-shirt and head back into the living room. You toss the shirt to Calum and he pulls it on quickly, instantly looking more comfortable.

“Do you want a drink or anything?” you ask, grabbing a beer out of the fridge for yourself. You point at the bottle and raise your eyebrows, as if to ask if he would also like one.

“Yeah, I’ll take a beer,” he tells you. You pull out another and crack the two bottles open. You hand him the drink and sit down on the couch opposite the chair he’s sitting in. “The Office?” he asks, nodding towards Michael Scott’s paused face on the TV.

You nod while taking a sup of your drink. “I’ve seen it a million times but it never gets old.” Calum cracks a smile. The skin around his dark brown eyes crinkles in the cutest way. “So, how did you manage to lock yourself out in your underwear?” you ask as curiosity gets the best of you.

Calum laughs. “I thought I heard someone knock on my door, so I looked to see who it was, but no one was there. So, naturally, being the idiot that I am, I step out to look further down the hall, and the dorm slammed behind me.”

The two of you share a laugh. “Did you at least figure out who it was?”

“Nope, there was no one around.” He shrugs. “It was probably my dog running into a wall or something.”

You frown. “How do you have a dog? Isn’t the whole building pet free?” you question. You had wanted to get a dog when you first moved in, but the landlord had promptly shut down that pipe dream.

He smirks. “It’s a secret,” he tells you with a wink. You blush. “Not really,” he says after a moment. “She’s not my dog. She’s a friend’s and I’m watching her for the next week.” His phone begins to ring and he swiftly answers it. It’s the super who’s on his way up to unlock Calum’s door for him. He hangs up and gets up from the couch. “Thanks for letting me crash for a little,” he says. He’s about to turn to leave when he stops and looks back at you. “Do you want to come meet the dog?” he asks with a smile.

You nod quickly. “Um, of course I do,” you laugh. You get up off the couch and follow Calum to the door. The landlord is standing in the hallway outside of Calum’s apartment when you walk out. He unlocks the door and you both slip in quickly so he won’t see the dog inside.

She’s laying on the couch when you walk in. His apartment is surprisingly neat and nicely furnished for — what you assume to be is — a bachelor pad. “Y/N, this is Rosie,” Calum says as you walk over to the fat, sleeping golden retriever. You sit down on the edge of the couch next to her and she perks up. You pet her head and she nudges you to keep going. You and Calum both laugh.

“She likes you,” Calum says, joining you on the couch. He rubs Rosie’s belly, but he’s looking at you. His eyes on you make you blush.

“I should probably get going, it’s late,” you say after a few minutes of comfortable silence. You stand up to go, but Calum stops you.

“Wait,” he says. You turn back and he stands up from the couch. “I’ll regret this if I don’t do it.” You furrow your eyebrows in confusion, but before you can question him, he’s kissing you. His warm, wet lips are on yours, and you find yourself kissing him back. It’s effortless; the two of you work in perfect synchronicity.

Calum pulls back first. You blush. “Oh,” is all you can manage to say. Calum laughs. You watch his lips pull back over his teeth. You find yourself leaning back in to kiss him again.

It’s more intense this time, more passionate. Calum’s hands are on your hips, on your back, on your butt. Your arms are around his neck. You part your lips and press your body against his. You can feel the definition of his muscles against you. You pull back this time.

Wordlessly, Calum takes your hand and leads you further into the apartment. He pushes open a half closed door that leads to his bedroom. His lips are on yours again before he can even shut the door. He backs you up to the end of the bed, pushes you down, and falls into place on top of you, all without breaking his lips away from yours. He takes your bottom lip between his teeth and tugs lightly. His lips make their way down your jaw and neck. Your breathing is heavy and uneven.

Calum lifts his head and smiles. “Nice pajamas,” he says, commenting on the prints of Ariel and Sebastian covering your shorts. You laugh lightly, but it turns into a moan as Calum’s lips meet yours again and he grinds his body against yours.

You roll over so your on top of Calum, straddling his lap. You take your turn kissing down his neck. You toy with the hem of the t-shirt you lent him, regretting even giving it to him in the first place. “I’ll be taking this back,” you smirk down at him as you pull the shirt off him. You continue kissing down his chest and stomach. His skin is warm.

You shift your body off of Calum’s and slowly pull his boxers off, exposing his hard length. You slowly run your tongue up the underside before lightly kissing the tip. Calum groans in approval as you taste him. You swirl your tongue around the tip before moving your mouth around the shaft. You place your hand at the base, taking what you can’t fit in your mouth in your palm. Calum’s hair tangles in your hair, guiding your head as you slowly bob up and down. “Fuck…” he moans. You pulls your mouth off him with a soft pop and Calum swiftly rolls on top of you.

“This is a very disproportionate amount of clothing,” Calum tells you, motioning to your still fully clothed body.

“What are you going to do about it?” you ask him, raising your eyebrows.

He smirks. “Well first…” he grabs the hem on your shirt and pulls it up over your head. “And now…” he reaches down and tugs your shorts down. “Next…” he reaches behind you and you lean forward. He somehow unhooks your bra one handed, something you can’t even do on your own, and pulls it off you. “And for my final act…” He kiss down your body, lingering over your breasts, before kissing down to the hemline of your panties and pulling them off slowly. His fingertips gently graze your skin and you hum in satisfaction.

He pushes your legs apart and runs a finger up your slit. “Already so wet…” he trails off, looking up at you.

You moan quietly, the anticipation killing you. “Just fuck me, already,” you breathe. Your sick of all the foreplay and just want him inside you.

Calum smirks and kisses back up your body to your mouth. “Just want me to fuck you, huh?” he whispers against your lips.

“Please,” you practically beg.

He reaches into his bedside table drawer and pulls out a condom. He puts it on in one swift motion. “If you insist,” he smirks. He thrusts into your slowly and you let out a gasp — both in surprise and satisfaction. His pace quickens and you can’t help but moan.

“Let me go on top,” you moan out quietly as Calum slows his pace. He nods and you shift positions. You rest your hands on Calum’s chest and begin doing all the work, grinding against him and lightly bouncing up and down. He rests one hand on your hip and the other one trails over your chest, your stomach, your entire body. He feels so good inside of you. Calum moves his hand from your hip to circle around your clit as you grind on him. You can feel yourself closing in on the edge as he plays with the sensitive bundle of nerves. You breathing grows more uneven and your ability to suppress your moans fails. You let out a loud groan as you climax, tightening around Calum and feeling sheer bliss.

Calum quickly rolls over on top of you, pinning you back down under him. Your climax doesn’t die as Calum continues to thrust into you, nearing his own edge. Your moans are loud and consistent as Calum quickly pounds into you, and you cum for a second time only a minute later. That drives Calum over the edge and he releases inside of you with a husky moan coming from deep in his throat. His lips meet yours again in a slow, passionate kiss. He pulls out of you and lays next to you, his lips still on yours, as you both come down from your highs.

He pulls back and you trail your fingers over the tattoos on his arms. He watches you for a moment, smiling. “What?” you question while his eyes linger.

He smirks. “I’m gonna have to start locking myself out more often.”

[zeroviraluniverse-blog]

How to Organize Your Tiny Closet Like an Expert

Visit Now - https://zeroviral.com/how-to-organize-your-tiny-closet-like-an-expert/

How to Organize Your Tiny Closet Like an Expert

There’s little point in owning a gorgeous bag or dress if you can’t find it in your closet when you’re getting dressed. A clean, well-organized wardrobe—instead of a confusing, jumbled mess of clothes and accessories—means you’ll maximize all your sartorial purchases, and come up with polished, carefully considered outfits even on hectic mornings. How can you possibly think to wear that one cool shirt you own if you can’t even spot it among your other pieces?

But we know the task of decluttering your wardrobe can be overwhelming. Which is why we’ve enlisted the expertise of Andrea Rapke, founder of The Organized Move, and Melanie Charlton, CEO and creative director of Clos-ette. These two professionals are sharing their ultimate tips and tricks when for organizing your clothes, shoes, bags and everything else. Whether you have a walk-in closet or an NYC-sized studio apartment, you’ll gain clarity on how to approach the often daunting task of gutting, cleaning and re-organizing your closet. They don’t call it spring-cleaning for nothing.

It might not be easy, but tossing out or donating old clothes is key to making room in your closet. “I advise my clients to donate anything they haven’t worn in more than two years that has no intrinsic value,” Rapke says. “Also, if it’s two sizes too small or two sizes too big, get rid of it. It’s time to buy new clothes.” Charlton adds, “Ask yourself if you’d buy this item today, or if it has a sentimental factor that warrants storage.”

Celebrity stylist Micaela Erlanger also recommends doing regular assessments of your closet every few months to be sure you’re only keeping what’s absolutely necessary. If you’re in need of a little extra push to gut what’s not working, she’s identified the five specific pieces she’d remove from your closet ASAP.

There’s little point in owning a gorgeous bag or dress if you can’t find it in your closet when you’re getting dressed. A clean, well-organized wardrobe—instead of a confusing, jumbled mess of clothes and accessories—means you’ll maximize all your sartorial purchases, and come up with polished, carefully considered outfits even on hectic mornings. The task of decluttering your wardrobe can be overwhelming though, so we’ve enlisted the expertise of Andrea Rapke, founder of The Organized Move, and Melanie Charlton, CEO and creative director of Clos-ette. Read on for tips and tricks from these two professionals on how to organize your closet.

If you’re in need of further closet inspiration, learn how celebrities like Chrissy Teigen and Miranda Kerr organize their closets.

This post was published at an earlier date and has since been updated.

If you’re interested in hiring professional help to organize your closet, it may be more affordable than you think. “A custom closet is a luxury that many of us can afford,” Rapke says. “Even the major closet companies can design what you would like on a budget.” When in doubt, call the pros.

But if that’s not an option, Rapke suggests using storage units that allow you to see your clothes and accessories. “If you can’t see it, you don’t wear it!” she says. Investing, even the smallest amount, in quality storage solutions can make a world of difference. Good hangers, collapsible containers and over-the-door shoe hangers are just a few of the items that she recommends. “Elfa is available at The Container Store and provides some excellent items. Use Slimline Hangers; your clothes won’t fall off, and they give you twice the space of wood and plastic.” It’s as simple as that.

So you’ve edited your closet and thrown out (or donated) the old items you’re no longer wearing, and you’ve looked at which parts or closet categories need the most help. Now it’s time to get down to actually organizing everything the right way. But how do you go about organizing sweaters versus lingerie or shoes versus jeans? There are different solutions for each, so read up on how to organize your closet based on each type of clothing item.

To make it ultra-clear, we’re highlighting exactly how you should be organizing and storing each of your garments so there’s no question about what to do with each.

Tops 

“If you have the space to hang everything, hang everything,” Rapke says. “You’ll wear more if you can see it.” Not just that, but hanging your tops will guarantee that they stay wrinkle-free. If you don’t have the space to hang every single top you own, we suggest prioritizing nice shirts like button-downs, blouses, and any fine materials like poplin, crepe, and silk that wrinkle easier. Leave the drawer and shelf space for your more casual T-shirts and tanks.

Sweaters

“Fold the very heavy sweaters so they don’t lose shape on the hanger,” Rapke advises. “Also, cedar is not a myth. It really does prevent moths from getting into your cashmere or wool sweaters. Replace the cedar every six months.” Charlton suggests, “Color-code sweaters by weight, and use dividers or cubbies. Use a sweater-folding board to make perfect folds.

Jeans

Rapke says that how you want to organize your jeans is a personal choice. “There are a number of ways to do so—by cut, brand, color, style, size, or none of the above. I tend to go by color, and most of my clients prefer it that way unless they’re die-hard jean collectors.” Charlton also favors organizing them that way: “Hang by the hem and organize by dark to light denim.”

Pants/Skirts/Shorts

Rapke’s trick for hanging pants, skirts, and shorts? “Hang them using clips and make small internal folds at the sides so the outside of the garment isn’t marked by the clips. This also makes everything look uniform on the hanger and gives it a cleaner side profile in your closet.”

Dresses

For dresses, Rapke recommends hanging by color rather than length. “I also like to start with strapless and go to long-sleeve. Never leave your dresses, or any other clothes, in dry cleaning or plastic garment bags. The chemicals from dry cleaning attack the fibers of your clothing and cause damage,” she says. Charlton agrees, choosing to divide dresses “by length” but also “season and day or night.”

Bags/Scarves/Hats

“I like purses out of their dust bags and to have as many visible as possible,” Rapke says. “It’s hard to change bags if you can’t see them. They don’t generally get damaged out of their dust bags, so enjoy the view. Scarves folded in piles by color and material works best and it makes it easy to pull one out without ruining the organization of the rest. For hats, I love hat boxes. Take uniform photos of the hats and glue them to the outside of the boxes.”

Shoes

“I prefer shoes to go right shoe toe out and left shoe heel out so you can see both to make finding what you’re planning to wear easy,” Rapke says. Both she and Charlton organize shoes by color and style. “I always hide tennis shoes and flip-flops in the least seen place,” Rapke says.

Lingerie “Organize by color, size, and type,” Rapke says. “Make sure to rotate your bras and underwear so you’re not wearing the same few all of the time.” For a luxe touch, Charlton adds, “I line drawers in silk and sometimes do sachet-lined drawers.”

Jewelry

“I am partial to a built-in drawer in one’s closet or dresser in order to keep things neat and uncluttered,” Rapke suggests. “It’s also a great way to see what you have and makes it easy to keep hidden from plain sight.”

[adambstingus]

4 Things You’d Never Guess About The Opposite Sex’s Crotch

The world is a crazy mishmash of diversity. We have different faiths, different politics, and above all, different crotches. In general, we have two kinds of crotches, but those two kinds are mystifying and perplexing to the ones not wielding them. And you may not think so now. You may be thinking “Man, I have been up in so many crotches in my day, I’m like a crotch Da Vinci” but let me assure you, that crotch still holds many a mystery that you never even imagined.

4

Missing Balls

Ladies, are you familiar with balls or, as they’re known in science circles, deez nutz? They’re a pair of oversensitive little snowflakes that men carry around in their pastrami coin purses and, beyond a biological function, they’re mostly just decorative. Fun for teabagging, ridiculously capable of collecting sweat, and oddly musky after a day of playing sports or just sitting in a room with no AC. You’re likely aware of most of this from all the ball porn you ladies watch. But what you may not be aware of, and what you really have no reason to be aware of, is the fact that your average nut has a serious case of wanderlust. Sometimes, just sometimes, a ball will just up and vanish.

PIRO4D/Pixabay This shit is just a Bermuda Triangle of balls.

What do I mean vanish? I mean take the fuck off. Pack up their bindle stick and head out for a life on the road. And it’s only ever one at a time, as though your nuts had a heated argument and one forced the other to go spend the night at its parents’ house. So your sack will still be slouching there against your thigh like a drunk trying to stay on the dance floor, and one ball will be holed up in there like the Unabomber in his shack. The other one will be three fingers deep in your torso, exploring the nooks and crannies of whatever the fuck is equidistant between your dick and your butthole.

To the best of my knowledge, your balls will occasionally rise up like the disgruntled citizens of an unjust regime, but it’s generally for warmth. This isn’t that. This is like a lava lamp situation, with blorpy stuff just oozing about because it can, no real rhyme or reason behind it. The little vagrant will always return home in short order, no worse for the wear and tight lipped about what sights he may have seen. But know that sometimes, when you least expect it, there’s a nut that’s just gone walkabout like a little semen-producing Crocodile Dundee.

Walkerssk/Pixabay “I have a journey to go on, my friends. You won’t understand it, but you will be in my ball heart.” – Your nut sack

In technical terms, they call this a retractile testicle, which is a great name. Your cremaster muscle gets a little overactive, like how if you work out too hard and you’re super pumped, your biceps and triceps will just totally rage in a spastic fashion. Only this time, it’s in your bag, and your nut will just zip up like a monkey on a vine. It can happen due to anxiety or just some stimulation in that area. So nothing crazy or darkly magical, just some crazy ball roaming.

3

Anytime Boners

Ladies, you’ve met a boner before, right? And for you younger and/or chaste readers, you’ve read my terribly offensive articles before, right? So you’re probably at least on handshake terms with boners. You know where they live, their general habits, and their diet. I would even wager you heard in health class or from a guy on the bus that a boner can crop up at the weirdest times? For instance, when a dude’s jorts rub him the wrong way or he sees a canary melon and thinks of a boob. Ha ha, boners are the unpredictable scamps of the coital world. But did you have any idea how unpredictable they are?

Aside from the normal reason and the just-a-few houses down from normal reasons, there is a fun melange of nightmare reasons why boners occur. Obviously medication side effects can lead to erections, but so can spider bites, fear of being a sexual deviant, meal supplements, and comically tragic bicycle injuries. These scenarios all sound radically different, but they all have one factor that connects them: Near them, the boner lurks.

How does pain manage to dance with boners in people who don’t typically get off on pain? That’s one of the mysteries of science, but any number of uncomfortable feelings from anxiety to nervousness to just outright agony can and will give way to Mr. Blinky standing tall and trying to do his thing, even if the rest of your body is a quivering mass of discomfort.

In terms of injuries, it can be a matter as simple as a blood-flow problem — you damage a wang artery, the blood can’t flow the way it should, you end up saluting the flag every time you move. But when that’s not the case, the cause can sometimes be a mystery to medical science — your dick plays its cards close to the balls and doesn’t explain itself all that often.

2

Menstrual Pad Importance

As a man, there’s only so much I can do to help support and understand women. I don’t want to be a douche, and I don’t think most people want to, even if they succeed at it admirably. I want to do the best I can to try to understand everyone’s worldview, and as a white dude who grew up in a white neighborhood where people never really talked about politics, the outside world or anything particularly heavy at all, it’s a process. Part of this process is trying to wrap my head around pads, which is distinctly different from wrapping pads around my head. Is this world changing or deeply philosophical? Does it solve humanity’s problems or rise to the level of anything profound that helps better our species? Maybe not, but I don’t write articles to save the world. Sometimes, we just need to sit back and wonder about the mysteries of shit that are obvious to everyone else.

Most men, at some point, will be tasked with purchasing pads for someone in need. It happens. In the world of sitcoms, it’s a terribly embarrassing endeavor and you must sheepishly enter the aisle and pretend you’re shopping for something else and then look like a deer caught in the headlights when the cashier inevitably calls for a price check. On pads! For vaginas! Oh man, is your face red! THE BEER BACON MANLY MAN IS BUYING THE LADY OBJECTS. PLANT A SCARLET LETTER UPON HIS CHEST.

phouavang82/Pixabay BETTER EAT MORE BACON, BEER BACON MANLY MAN, OR YOU WILL BEAR THIS WOMANLY SHAME UNTIL YOUR UNMANLY DYING DAY.

In real life, buying pads is like buying something that isn’t a pad. However, and this is key, while you were probably told exactly what kind to buy, if they don’t have what you’re looking for, if you forget, or if nothing was specified for some reason, you have no chance of choosing the right one. Pads are like the Grail at the end of Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade. There’s a ton of choices and if you choose poorly, expect to become a dusty skeleton in no time under the withering glare of the woman you’ve just disappointed.

In my mind, pads operate like deodorant or the Walmart underwear rack. Sure I see a lot of options, but at the end of the day, I can probably make due with anything that’s there. But holy shit, not so with pads. Despite your general knowledge of a woman’s flower and its botanical habit of sloughing off an internal uterine layer, not every pad can accommodate this for every woman. Wings may be necessary to anchor that slippery little shit in place. You also need to factor in absorbency based on flow, the shape of the pad, the fabric of the pad, and the general way it fits because you never want to try to fit a square peg in a round hole, especially if you have the wrong-sized pad wrapped around it.

There’s literally no way you can get the correct pad on a whim as a dude except for blind luck. You have to have instruction or you might as well be trying to figure out what your cat means when it turns its head and stares at you all shifty-like when you’re on the toilet.

It’s not that I or any man is necessarily dumb for not “getting” pads. It’s just that there’s no common ground to meet on. I can only conceive of, in the most basic way, the issues with trying to properly fit something on or near a body part I don’t have. I can’t even decide if “on” or “near” are the right words to use, that’s how unqualified I am to deal with this.

1

Fart Smuggling

I didn’t want to make this article dark. I didn’t want to “go there,” as the hip kids say. But dammit, I’m going there. And you’re coming with me. Bring a lawn chair.

Surely we can all be adults when we discuss flatulence, or “floating air biscuits,” if you will. Who amongst us hasn’t gorged themselves on a hearty baked bean and cauliflower casserole laced with vegan ham and awoken the next morning feeling like a gremlin was trying to breakdance its way from our asshole? Farts are natural and beautiful in the way that any kind of fetid gas from one’s shit shooter is beautiful.

There is a thing I learned, though. A thing told to me by a woman who, upon learning the topic of this article, took a moment to stare off into space as she pondered the idea. After a brief period of silence, her expression became inspired and she eagerly said to me, “What about farts in your vagina?”

First, I hope that was the first time that sentence was ever uttered aloud. I get a kick out of feeling like I’ve heard or said something literally no one in mankind’s history has ever seen or heard. But second, I was briefly confused.

“Queefs?” I asked, as if it was the most natural follow up in a normal conversation. She shook her head.

“Gross, no. OK, sometimes, as a woman, when you fart it maybe goes forward instead of back? And it can sneak into your vagina.”

I stared as though I were Paul Atreides having just consumed the Water of Life and my mind was expanding beyond space and time. I imagined a stealthy fart creeping forth under the cover of night, holding up at the border of the ass cheeks until the Vaginal Guards had a shift change, then sneaking like a ninja across the Taint Barrier and backflipping into the safety of the vagina.

“What does it do once it gets in there?” I asked, enraptured. Her expression changed to one I’m all too familiar with. One that says “Please stop speaking.”

“What do you think it does? It’s not a DJ, it’s not having a party. It just gets stuck. You have to kind of shift and shimmy a bit to force it back out.”

I nodded. This was reasonable. Not reasonable, but understandable. A woman, biologically, has a terrible system of fart management set up down there. As a man, when one of my farts takes a wrong turn out of the gate, it just bubbles up under my ballsack and sits there like a frightened mouse until I peel the sack away from the thigh and release it back into the wild. But a woman has an entire mouse house. I had never imagined.

Briefly, I wondered if I’d ever been visiting the enchanted grotto when there was an unwanted guest in the pantry, but then shrugged it off. Best not to know, probably.

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the US Constitution and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/19/4-things-youd-never-guess-about-the-opposite-sexs-crotch/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/164382494652

[samanthasroberts]

4 Things You’d Never Guess About The Opposite Sex’s Crotch

The world is a crazy mishmash of diversity. We have different faiths, different politics, and above all, different crotches. In general, we have two kinds of crotches, but those two kinds are mystifying and perplexing to the ones not wielding them. And you may not think so now. You may be thinking “Man, I have been up in so many crotches in my day, I’m like a crotch Da Vinci” but let me assure you, that crotch still holds many a mystery that you never even imagined.

4

Missing Balls

Ladies, are you familiar with balls or, as they’re known in science circles, deez nutz? They’re a pair of oversensitive little snowflakes that men carry around in their pastrami coin purses and, beyond a biological function, they’re mostly just decorative. Fun for teabagging, ridiculously capable of collecting sweat, and oddly musky after a day of playing sports or just sitting in a room with no AC. You’re likely aware of most of this from all the ball porn you ladies watch. But what you may not be aware of, and what you really have no reason to be aware of, is the fact that your average nut has a serious case of wanderlust. Sometimes, just sometimes, a ball will just up and vanish.

PIRO4D/Pixabay This shit is just a Bermuda Triangle of balls.

What do I mean vanish? I mean take the fuck off. Pack up their bindle stick and head out for a life on the road. And it’s only ever one at a time, as though your nuts had a heated argument and one forced the other to go spend the night at its parents’ house. So your sack will still be slouching there against your thigh like a drunk trying to stay on the dance floor, and one ball will be holed up in there like the Unabomber in his shack. The other one will be three fingers deep in your torso, exploring the nooks and crannies of whatever the fuck is equidistant between your dick and your butthole.

To the best of my knowledge, your balls will occasionally rise up like the disgruntled citizens of an unjust regime, but it’s generally for warmth. This isn’t that. This is like a lava lamp situation, with blorpy stuff just oozing about because it can, no real rhyme or reason behind it. The little vagrant will always return home in short order, no worse for the wear and tight lipped about what sights he may have seen. But know that sometimes, when you least expect it, there’s a nut that’s just gone walkabout like a little semen-producing Crocodile Dundee.

Walkerssk/Pixabay “I have a journey to go on, my friends. You won’t understand it, but you will be in my ball heart.” – Your nut sack

In technical terms, they call this a retractile testicle, which is a great name. Your cremaster muscle gets a little overactive, like how if you work out too hard and you’re super pumped, your biceps and triceps will just totally rage in a spastic fashion. Only this time, it’s in your bag, and your nut will just zip up like a monkey on a vine. It can happen due to anxiety or just some stimulation in that area. So nothing crazy or darkly magical, just some crazy ball roaming.

3

Anytime Boners

Ladies, you’ve met a boner before, right? And for you younger and/or chaste readers, you’ve read my terribly offensive articles before, right? So you’re probably at least on handshake terms with boners. You know where they live, their general habits, and their diet. I would even wager you heard in health class or from a guy on the bus that a boner can crop up at the weirdest times? For instance, when a dude’s jorts rub him the wrong way or he sees a canary melon and thinks of a boob. Ha ha, boners are the unpredictable scamps of the coital world. But did you have any idea how unpredictable they are?

Aside from the normal reason and the just-a-few houses down from normal reasons, there is a fun melange of nightmare reasons why boners occur. Obviously medication side effects can lead to erections, but so can spider bites, fear of being a sexual deviant, meal supplements, and comically tragic bicycle injuries. These scenarios all sound radically different, but they all have one factor that connects them: Near them, the boner lurks.

How does pain manage to dance with boners in people who don’t typically get off on pain? That’s one of the mysteries of science, but any number of uncomfortable feelings from anxiety to nervousness to just outright agony can and will give way to Mr. Blinky standing tall and trying to do his thing, even if the rest of your body is a quivering mass of discomfort.

In terms of injuries, it can be a matter as simple as a blood-flow problem — you damage a wang artery, the blood can’t flow the way it should, you end up saluting the flag every time you move. But when that’s not the case, the cause can sometimes be a mystery to medical science — your dick plays its cards close to the balls and doesn’t explain itself all that often.

2

Menstrual Pad Importance

As a man, there’s only so much I can do to help support and understand women. I don’t want to be a douche, and I don’t think most people want to, even if they succeed at it admirably. I want to do the best I can to try to understand everyone’s worldview, and as a white dude who grew up in a white neighborhood where people never really talked about politics, the outside world or anything particularly heavy at all, it’s a process. Part of this process is trying to wrap my head around pads, which is distinctly different from wrapping pads around my head. Is this world changing or deeply philosophical? Does it solve humanity’s problems or rise to the level of anything profound that helps better our species? Maybe not, but I don’t write articles to save the world. Sometimes, we just need to sit back and wonder about the mysteries of shit that are obvious to everyone else.

Most men, at some point, will be tasked with purchasing pads for someone in need. It happens. In the world of sitcoms, it’s a terribly embarrassing endeavor and you must sheepishly enter the aisle and pretend you’re shopping for something else and then look like a deer caught in the headlights when the cashier inevitably calls for a price check. On pads! For vaginas! Oh man, is your face red! THE BEER BACON MANLY MAN IS BUYING THE LADY OBJECTS. PLANT A SCARLET LETTER UPON HIS CHEST.

phouavang82/Pixabay BETTER EAT MORE BACON, BEER BACON MANLY MAN, OR YOU WILL BEAR THIS WOMANLY SHAME UNTIL YOUR UNMANLY DYING DAY.

In real life, buying pads is like buying something that isn’t a pad. However, and this is key, while you were probably told exactly what kind to buy, if they don’t have what you’re looking for, if you forget, or if nothing was specified for some reason, you have no chance of choosing the right one. Pads are like the Grail at the end of Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade. There’s a ton of choices and if you choose poorly, expect to become a dusty skeleton in no time under the withering glare of the woman you’ve just disappointed.

In my mind, pads operate like deodorant or the Walmart underwear rack. Sure I see a lot of options, but at the end of the day, I can probably make due with anything that’s there. But holy shit, not so with pads. Despite your general knowledge of a woman’s flower and its botanical habit of sloughing off an internal uterine layer, not every pad can accommodate this for every woman. Wings may be necessary to anchor that slippery little shit in place. You also need to factor in absorbency based on flow, the shape of the pad, the fabric of the pad, and the general way it fits because you never want to try to fit a square peg in a round hole, especially if you have the wrong-sized pad wrapped around it.

There’s literally no way you can get the correct pad on a whim as a dude except for blind luck. You have to have instruction or you might as well be trying to figure out what your cat means when it turns its head and stares at you all shifty-like when you’re on the toilet.

It’s not that I or any man is necessarily dumb for not “getting” pads. It’s just that there’s no common ground to meet on. I can only conceive of, in the most basic way, the issues with trying to properly fit something on or near a body part I don’t have. I can’t even decide if “on” or “near” are the right words to use, that’s how unqualified I am to deal with this.

1

Fart Smuggling

I didn’t want to make this article dark. I didn’t want to “go there,” as the hip kids say. But dammit, I’m going there. And you’re coming with me. Bring a lawn chair.

Surely we can all be adults when we discuss flatulence, or “floating air biscuits,” if you will. Who amongst us hasn’t gorged themselves on a hearty baked bean and cauliflower casserole laced with vegan ham and awoken the next morning feeling like a gremlin was trying to breakdance its way from our asshole? Farts are natural and beautiful in the way that any kind of fetid gas from one’s shit shooter is beautiful.

There is a thing I learned, though. A thing told to me by a woman who, upon learning the topic of this article, took a moment to stare off into space as she pondered the idea. After a brief period of silence, her expression became inspired and she eagerly said to me, “What about farts in your vagina?”

First, I hope that was the first time that sentence was ever uttered aloud. I get a kick out of feeling like I’ve heard or said something literally no one in mankind’s history has ever seen or heard. But second, I was briefly confused.

“Queefs?” I asked, as if it was the most natural follow up in a normal conversation. She shook her head.

“Gross, no. OK, sometimes, as a woman, when you fart it maybe goes forward instead of back? And it can sneak into your vagina.”

I stared as though I were Paul Atreides having just consumed the Water of Life and my mind was expanding beyond space and time. I imagined a stealthy fart creeping forth under the cover of night, holding up at the border of the ass cheeks until the Vaginal Guards had a shift change, then sneaking like a ninja across the Taint Barrier and backflipping into the safety of the vagina.

“What does it do once it gets in there?” I asked, enraptured. Her expression changed to one I’m all too familiar with. One that says “Please stop speaking.”

“What do you think it does? It’s not a DJ, it’s not having a party. It just gets stuck. You have to kind of shift and shimmy a bit to force it back out.”

I nodded. This was reasonable. Not reasonable, but understandable. A woman, biologically, has a terrible system of fart management set up down there. As a man, when one of my farts takes a wrong turn out of the gate, it just bubbles up under my ballsack and sits there like a frightened mouse until I peel the sack away from the thigh and release it back into the wild. But a woman has an entire mouse house. I had never imagined.

Briefly, I wondered if I’d ever been visiting the enchanted grotto when there was an unwanted guest in the pantry, but then shrugged it off. Best not to know, probably.

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the US Constitution and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/19/4-things-youd-never-guess-about-the-opposite-sexs-crotch/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/08/19/4-things-youd-never-guess-about-the-opposite-sexs-crotch/

[allofbeercom]

4 Things You’d Never Guess About The Opposite Sex’s Crotch

The world is a crazy mishmash of diversity. We have different faiths, different politics, and above all, different crotches. In general, we have two kinds of crotches, but those two kinds are mystifying and perplexing to the ones not wielding them. And you may not think so now. You may be thinking “Man, I have been up in so many crotches in my day, I’m like a crotch Da Vinci” but let me assure you, that crotch still holds many a mystery that you never even imagined.

4

Missing Balls

Ladies, are you familiar with balls or, as they’re known in science circles, deez nutz? They’re a pair of oversensitive little snowflakes that men carry around in their pastrami coin purses and, beyond a biological function, they’re mostly just decorative. Fun for teabagging, ridiculously capable of collecting sweat, and oddly musky after a day of playing sports or just sitting in a room with no AC. You’re likely aware of most of this from all the ball porn you ladies watch. But what you may not be aware of, and what you really have no reason to be aware of, is the fact that your average nut has a serious case of wanderlust. Sometimes, just sometimes, a ball will just up and vanish.

PIRO4D/Pixabay This shit is just a Bermuda Triangle of balls.

What do I mean vanish? I mean take the fuck off. Pack up their bindle stick and head out for a life on the road. And it’s only ever one at a time, as though your nuts had a heated argument and one forced the other to go spend the night at its parents’ house. So your sack will still be slouching there against your thigh like a drunk trying to stay on the dance floor, and one ball will be holed up in there like the Unabomber in his shack. The other one will be three fingers deep in your torso, exploring the nooks and crannies of whatever the fuck is equidistant between your dick and your butthole.

To the best of my knowledge, your balls will occasionally rise up like the disgruntled citizens of an unjust regime, but it’s generally for warmth. This isn’t that. This is like a lava lamp situation, with blorpy stuff just oozing about because it can, no real rhyme or reason behind it. The little vagrant will always return home in short order, no worse for the wear and tight lipped about what sights he may have seen. But know that sometimes, when you least expect it, there’s a nut that’s just gone walkabout like a little semen-producing Crocodile Dundee.

Walkerssk/Pixabay “I have a journey to go on, my friends. You won’t understand it, but you will be in my ball heart.” – Your nut sack

In technical terms, they call this a retractile testicle, which is a great name. Your cremaster muscle gets a little overactive, like how if you work out too hard and you’re super pumped, your biceps and triceps will just totally rage in a spastic fashion. Only this time, it’s in your bag, and your nut will just zip up like a monkey on a vine. It can happen due to anxiety or just some stimulation in that area. So nothing crazy or darkly magical, just some crazy ball roaming.

3

Anytime Boners

Ladies, you’ve met a boner before, right? And for you younger and/or chaste readers, you’ve read my terribly offensive articles before, right? So you’re probably at least on handshake terms with boners. You know where they live, their general habits, and their diet. I would even wager you heard in health class or from a guy on the bus that a boner can crop up at the weirdest times? For instance, when a dude’s jorts rub him the wrong way or he sees a canary melon and thinks of a boob. Ha ha, boners are the unpredictable scamps of the coital world. But did you have any idea how unpredictable they are?

Aside from the normal reason and the just-a-few houses down from normal reasons, there is a fun melange of nightmare reasons why boners occur. Obviously medication side effects can lead to erections, but so can spider bites, fear of being a sexual deviant, meal supplements, and comically tragic bicycle injuries. These scenarios all sound radically different, but they all have one factor that connects them: Near them, the boner lurks.

How does pain manage to dance with boners in people who don’t typically get off on pain? That’s one of the mysteries of science, but any number of uncomfortable feelings from anxiety to nervousness to just outright agony can and will give way to Mr. Blinky standing tall and trying to do his thing, even if the rest of your body is a quivering mass of discomfort.

In terms of injuries, it can be a matter as simple as a blood-flow problem — you damage a wang artery, the blood can’t flow the way it should, you end up saluting the flag every time you move. But when that’s not the case, the cause can sometimes be a mystery to medical science — your dick plays its cards close to the balls and doesn’t explain itself all that often.

2

Menstrual Pad Importance

As a man, there’s only so much I can do to help support and understand women. I don’t want to be a douche, and I don’t think most people want to, even if they succeed at it admirably. I want to do the best I can to try to understand everyone’s worldview, and as a white dude who grew up in a white neighborhood where people never really talked about politics, the outside world or anything particularly heavy at all, it’s a process. Part of this process is trying to wrap my head around pads, which is distinctly different from wrapping pads around my head. Is this world changing or deeply philosophical? Does it solve humanity’s problems or rise to the level of anything profound that helps better our species? Maybe not, but I don’t write articles to save the world. Sometimes, we just need to sit back and wonder about the mysteries of shit that are obvious to everyone else.

Most men, at some point, will be tasked with purchasing pads for someone in need. It happens. In the world of sitcoms, it’s a terribly embarrassing endeavor and you must sheepishly enter the aisle and pretend you’re shopping for something else and then look like a deer caught in the headlights when the cashier inevitably calls for a price check. On pads! For vaginas! Oh man, is your face red! THE BEER BACON MANLY MAN IS BUYING THE LADY OBJECTS. PLANT A SCARLET LETTER UPON HIS CHEST.

phouavang82/Pixabay BETTER EAT MORE BACON, BEER BACON MANLY MAN, OR YOU WILL BEAR THIS WOMANLY SHAME UNTIL YOUR UNMANLY DYING DAY.

In real life, buying pads is like buying something that isn’t a pad. However, and this is key, while you were probably told exactly what kind to buy, if they don’t have what you’re looking for, if you forget, or if nothing was specified for some reason, you have no chance of choosing the right one. Pads are like the Grail at the end of Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade. There’s a ton of choices and if you choose poorly, expect to become a dusty skeleton in no time under the withering glare of the woman you’ve just disappointed.

In my mind, pads operate like deodorant or the Walmart underwear rack. Sure I see a lot of options, but at the end of the day, I can probably make due with anything that’s there. But holy shit, not so with pads. Despite your general knowledge of a woman’s flower and its botanical habit of sloughing off an internal uterine layer, not every pad can accommodate this for every woman. Wings may be necessary to anchor that slippery little shit in place. You also need to factor in absorbency based on flow, the shape of the pad, the fabric of the pad, and the general way it fits because you never want to try to fit a square peg in a round hole, especially if you have the wrong-sized pad wrapped around it.

There’s literally no way you can get the correct pad on a whim as a dude except for blind luck. You have to have instruction or you might as well be trying to figure out what your cat means when it turns its head and stares at you all shifty-like when you’re on the toilet.

It’s not that I or any man is necessarily dumb for not “getting” pads. It’s just that there’s no common ground to meet on. I can only conceive of, in the most basic way, the issues with trying to properly fit something on or near a body part I don’t have. I can’t even decide if “on” or “near” are the right words to use, that’s how unqualified I am to deal with this.

1

Fart Smuggling

I didn’t want to make this article dark. I didn’t want to “go there,” as the hip kids say. But dammit, I’m going there. And you’re coming with me. Bring a lawn chair.

Surely we can all be adults when we discuss flatulence, or “floating air biscuits,” if you will. Who amongst us hasn’t gorged themselves on a hearty baked bean and cauliflower casserole laced with vegan ham and awoken the next morning feeling like a gremlin was trying to breakdance its way from our asshole? Farts are natural and beautiful in the way that any kind of fetid gas from one’s shit shooter is beautiful.

There is a thing I learned, though. A thing told to me by a woman who, upon learning the topic of this article, took a moment to stare off into space as she pondered the idea. After a brief period of silence, her expression became inspired and she eagerly said to me, “What about farts in your vagina?”

First, I hope that was the first time that sentence was ever uttered aloud. I get a kick out of feeling like I’ve heard or said something literally no one in mankind’s history has ever seen or heard. But second, I was briefly confused.

“Queefs?” I asked, as if it was the most natural follow up in a normal conversation. She shook her head.

“Gross, no. OK, sometimes, as a woman, when you fart it maybe goes forward instead of back? And it can sneak into your vagina.”

I stared as though I were Paul Atreides having just consumed the Water of Life and my mind was expanding beyond space and time. I imagined a stealthy fart creeping forth under the cover of night, holding up at the border of the ass cheeks until the Vaginal Guards had a shift change, then sneaking like a ninja across the Taint Barrier and backflipping into the safety of the vagina.

“What does it do once it gets in there?” I asked, enraptured. Her expression changed to one I’m all too familiar with. One that says “Please stop speaking.”

“What do you think it does? It’s not a DJ, it’s not having a party. It just gets stuck. You have to kind of shift and shimmy a bit to force it back out.”

I nodded. This was reasonable. Not reasonable, but understandable. A woman, biologically, has a terrible system of fart management set up down there. As a man, when one of my farts takes a wrong turn out of the gate, it just bubbles up under my ballsack and sits there like a frightened mouse until I peel the sack away from the thigh and release it back into the wild. But a woman has an entire mouse house. I had never imagined.

Briefly, I wondered if I’d ever been visiting the enchanted grotto when there was an unwanted guest in the pantry, but then shrugged it off. Best not to know, probably.

The proliferation of beer pong and craft beer may have you think that we’re living in one of the peak times to get drunk, but humans have been getting famously hammered for millennia. Like a frat house’s lawn after a kegger, history is littered with world changing events that were secretly powered by booze. The inaugural games of the Roman Coliseum, the drafting of the US Constitution and the Russian Revolution were all capped off by major parties that most attendees probably regretted in the morning.

Join Jack O’Brien and Cracked staffers Carmen Angelica, Alex Schmidt, Michael Swaim, plus comedian Blake Wexler for a retelling of history’s biggest moments you didn’t realize everyone was drunk for.

Get your tickets here:

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/19/4-things-youd-never-guess-about-the-opposite-sexs-crotch/