#keanu would still love you if you were a worm.

[littlemisslomax]

God how I wish more movies in 1999-2000 had long hair Keanu… I wish The Watcher wasn’t such a bad situation for Keanu and so crappily edited. I’m talking like REALLY shitty editing, like those flashbang transitions??? I mean wtf was up with that?? Anyways.

I would do ANYTHING for this man right here.

[bucky-iss-bae]

The Best Assassin (Bucky Barnes x Reader)

A/N - You guys, two one shots, in two days. This is as good as it gets really. JOKE. I wanna do morreee. 

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader

Fandom: Marvel (MCU)

Prompts/Summary: Its Movie night in the Avengers compound. 

Warnings: Spoilers for John Wick Kinda fluffy, just idiots being idiots. 

Word Count: 1300

Masterlist

Walking through the compound with your blanket and pillows meant one thing. Movie nights. Every now and then, the team and their close ones got together, and you were fortunately apart of their close ones since you and Bucky started to date.

It was always fun as you grew up as Sam’s best friend, and then got replaced by Steve and Bucky, to then steal bucky. That’s a joke, well its not, Sam set you and Bucky up, it was great, you and Bucky could tease Sam. And bullying Sam was the best.

“You know, your ass looks amazing in those shorts. Maybe we should skip out on movie night and just go have some fun” Bucky commented from behind you,

Turned your head towards him, he was stood with a cheeky smile on his face, “Ain’t nothing wrong with that sweetheart” He said slapping your ass as he walked past,

You glared at him, and then his peach, running past him and slapping his ass in the process causing him to yelp out and you to giggle as you ran towards the common area.

“Why you…” he grumbled, seconds later you were wrapped up in one of his arms, as he then threw you down on the couch that the two of you would be sharing as he tickled you,

“Oh c’mon guys” Sam said pushing you apart and sitting between the two of you, “Nope, nuh uh, no funny business. We got John Wick on tonight. Keanu Reeves in one of his finest”

“Who the fuck is Keanu Reeves?” Bucky asked sighing and sitting on the other side of Sam, although he was sending daggers into his head as he sat between you both.  

“The Matrix” Nat said as she sat down getting comfortable, if anyone saw the way the avengers were sat around right now, no one would believe they were earths greatest defence.

“Ohh, that guy. Okay… okay.”

“You still have no clue, do ya Buck?” Steve asked with raised eyebrows,

“Not gonna lie bud, it all still goes over my head”

“Find that hard to believe when Y/N is constantly making pop culture references. Honestly her and Peter, the bane of my life. Its hell. I seem old compared to her, and we’re the same age” Sam said, you and Peter shared a look, he became your little brother.  

“Yeah but… you gotta get with the times man. Get TikTok, maybe follow a few meme pages on Instagram. You’ll catch up in no time”

“Which leads me to say, I ain’t ever seen two pretty best friends, always one of them gonna be ugly” Peter said looking between you and Sam,

“It ain’t me. What the fuck does that even mean? Who’s ugly? Are you on about me and Buck, Bucky and Steve, Me and Y/N?” Sam asked while everyone was settling in,

You just laughed after hearing that on TikTok all day today, you were pretty sure Bucky had also heard it.

“I’m the pretty one” you yelled, “I dibs it. Now move” you said to Sam,

“Yo, I definitely ain’t moving now.”

“It’s just something on TikTok. Don’t worry” Peter said to Sam, “Now I heard the iconic Keanue reeves is on tonight”

“What is this John Wick even about” Bucky grumbled,

“No one spoil it. It’s sad, it’ll make you cry” You told him,

“Hey, no, I thought it was an action film” He said,

“It is… Wait what if it triggers him?” Bruce asked,

“It’s also about assassins. Will it trigger you?”

“Probably if Sam’s sat next to me” Bucky said causing a few to laugh,

“Okay, fine. I’m moving, I don’t want to be on his winter solider side for the hundredth time. Y/N, come on, lets switch”

You grinned at that getting up and switching with Sam, Bucky held his arm out for you to cuddle into, his chest your own personal pillow,

“Ya’ll make me sick” he grumbled, “Fucking sat there reminding my ass of how single I am” Sam grumbled watching the two of you,

You stuck your tongue out at him and he just shook his head,  

“Also Morgan wants a child friendly film next time. She’s excited to have a sleepover, sad that she’s not here” Tony said causing Clint to laugh, “Oh, yeah. My kids are the same, they’ll all probably make a plan tonight to worm their way into us watching Moana or Brave or some Disney film”

“Yo, I am down. Let them join us, we’ll have a Disney movie marathon, and I’ll find all the films I can cry at” You said knowing that you’ve tried to put Disney films out there, and if it means the kids join, you won’t complain.

Soon enough someone put the film on and you all sat around watching it, a lot of bickering amongst someone stealing all the popcorn, a lot of tears at the dog scene, it was horrible. It nearly made you cry, although Steve pointed out how he recognised the guy from Game of Thrones. You were impressed, he’s getting there.

After that silence took over, the film being action packed, and revenge driven. You figured, if anyone ever hurt your dog, you would 100% get someone to train you to do exactly what John Wick does.

“Yo, Y/N” Sam said calling you during the film, “If you had to choose, who’s your favourite assassin”

Your lips began to move before you could stop yourself, “John Wick, no cap”

You felt eyes on you as soon as you said that, realising you were currently using the best assassin of his time as a pillow, your jaw dropped at your own answer, wanting to laugh but figured, it may not be wise.

“The fact that you added no cap at the end of it” Peter said fake flinching at it,

“In my defence,”

“Go on sweetheart, in your defence. At this rate you’ll be spending the night on this couch”  

A few oohhs erupted around the room making you want to laugh more, “In my defence, I fancied Keanu Reeves when he was in Speed. And no, listen, I forgot okay.”

“You forgot what my profession is? And then continue to talk about how you fancied the man in another film” he asked, you turned your head up looking at him, he tried to look hurt but you knew your man, he had mischief in his eyes,

Someone had paused the film to laugh at the interaction between the two of you, “Got a lot of making up to do huh Y/N” Wanda joked wiggling her eyebrows,

“Although, I do see the similarities between John Wick, and James Barnes, I mean the long hair for starters”

“The Russian assassin part. Although I’m sure the guy had his own red room” Nat said,

“And I’m sure they both have a hair care routine” Peter said pretending to film his own hair,

“Ohh, let’s not forget the killing part” Sam added,

“You think Bucky could do what he does in the second one?” Natasha asked Sam,

“Let’s give him a pencil and send him into a bar”

“I would start sticking up for Bucky saying he defo can, but like it’ll seem like I’m just trying to get on his good side. So let’s just you know, watch the film. And all agree that we all love john wick”

“You don’t make this better for yourself huh?” Sam asked causing you to kick his thigh but giggle at the same time, as someone played the film you looked up to see Bucky staring at you adoringly, you don’t know why, but clearly, he didn’t hate you for the comment. Maybe it was because you see him more as an assassin, and that’s what he always fears, people only see him for that.

“I love you” He whispered only for you to hear,

“I love you too baby” You said before kissing his cheek and laying back down, he wrapped his arm around you tighter as the two of you laid there watching the film.

AN - I wrote this in one sitting because a few days ago I was watching John Wick and mentioned how he’s one of my fave assassins and my sister was like bro Bucky is literally an assassin and I was like damnnn I really be do having a type. 

[pinkjeanist]

“cigarette daydreams.” || giran

     - It’s one of those nights, and apparently, Kagero’s having one of those nights, too. 

a/n: warning for depressive reader and themes. this was really self indulgent. [navigation]

It was one of those nights where existing was just a little too hard.

The rain began to beat harder against the window as you felt yourself slipping further into the numb feeling that had climbed its way out of your throat hours before. You didn’t know how many episodes of the show you were watching had passed. You weren’t even sure if you knew what the show was about. But you let it play, only moving to close the “are you still watching?” message when it popped up. 

Kagero had told you earlier that morning that he might not be home until the next day, which meant that he definitely wouldn’t be home until noon, at the least. You used to interrogate him every time he left on one of his trips to make sure he wasn’t getting himself into something too dangerous (he always did, anyway), but you eventually accepted the nature of his work for what it was, and made him promise to come back in one piece. Now, though, the world felt empty without his hands running through your hair, or the smell of his cologne laying with the cigarette smoke. You felt empty. But there was nothing to be done, except letting the next episode play. 

It must have been past midnight when you heard the door open and close, accompanied by the sound of shoes sliding on the polished, wooden floor. You forced yourself to sit up and look over the couch.

“Kage?” 

He dropped his keys into the bowl by the door before coming around the corner, smiling as he saw you. The sight of him had your heart racing. You didn’t know when you’d felt it stop. “Hey, sugar. What are you still doing up?”

“You said you’d be home tomorrow…” 

He looked at you for a long moment with a solemn gaze before he replied: “The dude called off the deal. Can you tell me what you’re still doing up?” 

You collapsed down into the lying position you’d been in before. You mumbled, “Watching TV.” 

Kagero sighed and moved to stand by the couch. You tried not to meet his gaze as he looked down at you. “I think we both know that’s not true, sweets.” You hugged your pillow. “Another night?”

Your nod was all he needed to move closer. His hands stuffed his pockets as his head nodded to the TV screen. 

“What’s it about?” 

You paused. “He’s like...a detective. I think Mads Mikkelson eats people...and the dude from the Matrix is in it.”

“Keanu Reeves?”

“No, the pill guy…”

Kagero took the remote from where you’d dropped it on the floor earlier and brought up the episode details. He gave you a worried look. “Sugar, you’re on the finale of the first season. How do you not know what the show’s about?” 

“I don’t know…” You mumbled. He sighed and kneeled in front of where your head laid on the arm of the couch.

“What’d you have for supper, sweets?” He muttered, fingers running slowly over your hair. 

Your eyes closed under his touch. “Popcorn.” 

He answered, slowly and softly, “That don’t sound like supper to me, sugar. Can you eat some fruit for me? Bananas? Strawberries? The strawberries are a couple days old so they probably aren’t so sour.” 

You took a long second to consider it. “...Strawberries, please.” He kissed your forehead, taking your hand in his and giving it a gentle squeeze. 

“I’ll be right back, sweets.” He took the empty popcorn bowl on the stand next to you and padded into the kitchen. 

It didn’t feel real. You’d accepted before that he wouldn’t be home until tomorrow, and that he wouldn’t be there to help you. The thought of it had allowed you to fall deeper into the void, and now that he stood at the top with a rope, you weren’t sure you’d be able to reach. Whenever nights like this happened, and you had nowhere else to go, you had it sorted out by the next day. Now, he had to see you like this- distant, dejected, depressed. 

He never directly mentioned it, though, aside from what you repeated to him about your condition from your last therapist, who now was back in Shibuya where you and Kagero weren’t so welcome by the crime syndicates anymore. You hadn’t gotten a new therapist, and he’d never pushed. So here you were, glued to the couch, helplessly waiting for your strawberries.

You didn’t deserve him, you thought. He deserved more. 

“Sugar.”

He was standing in front of you, a small bowl of strawberries in hand. You let out a sigh through your nose as he set them on the stand. He kneeled down next to you again, hand again coming to rest on your cheek.

“Do you have any words for what you’re feeling, sugar?” 

“I don’t...I don’t know.” He pulled away only to sit properly on the ground before moving his hand back to your face. Your hand moved up to cover it, squeezing. “I’m sorry.”

“You ain’t got nothin’ to apologize for, sweetness.” He kissed your forehead, and then your lips before pulling away again. “Do you mind if I smoke?”

You shook your head into the pillow, so he reached into his pocket to pull out an opened pack and his lighter, making quick work of lighting it. You melted further into the couch at the scent of the smoke, but you couldn’t help but worry. “How many of those have you had today?”

He tried to put the cigarettes back in his pocket. You frowned. “Not too many…”

“Let me see the pack.”

He stopped, and you stared at each other for a long moment before he finally relented with a sigh. You frowned at the sight of the pack when he handed it to you. “This was full when you left. You’ve only got three more.” 

“I know, I’m sorry. I know I said I’d try…” 

“Don’t apologize.” You reached for his free arm, and hesitantly, he let you put his hand back on your cheek. “You tried your best. I know you did.”

“But it wasn’t enough.” 

“It’s always enough for me.” His shoulders fell, smoothing his thumb over your cheek. “What happened?” 

“Business. As usual.” He held the cigarette between his lips and reached for the bowl of strawberries, moving one next to your mouth. You took a careful bite so as to not let the juice run down onto the couch. “The dude’s secretary or whatever told me to wait. I was sitting there for three hours. Couldn’t do much else.”

“And then he bailed?”

“Yeah.” 

“Bastard.” You took another bite of the strawberry. You could see the fatigue in the way he looked at you over his tinted glasses. It wasn’t a good night for him, either. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.” 

“I appreciate the sentiment, but I think we’ve both done enough apologizing for the night, yeah?” He muttered, bringing his face closer and setting the top of the strawberry back in the bowl. He quickly took another drag of his cigarette and aimed it away from you. “I thought we agreed to stop doing that.” 

You almost apologized for apologizing, but just nodded instead. He reached up to the ashtray on the table and knocked the cigarette against the side before placing it back between his lips. “You’re gorgeous, by the way. In case you didn’t know.”

“I haven’t showered in two days,” You grumbled. You could feel the ickiness in your skin against his hand. 

“That don’t mean you ain’t gorgeous, sugar. Can’t take away beauty.” 

“What if I turned into a worm? Would you still think I’m pretty?” You smiled for the first time that night as you asked him your question, and you felt your heart flutter when he smiled back. 

“I’d think you’re the prettiest worm in the world. No other worm compares.” It was nice to feel something again, hearing that. It wasn’t the most romantic thing in the world, but if Kagero would love you as a worm, that was all you needed to hear to know he was with you. 

You could see him at the edge of the void. He was smiling for you. You reached up and put your hands on the rope. 

“I think you’d be a handsome worm,” You said, not really sure what you were saying anymore but knowing that you meant it all. “I’d marry you as a worm.”

He looked at you a little different when you mentioned marriage. It wasn’t a bad sort of look, though- it was one of realization, a little “oh” moment over something you’d never considered before. Your eyes opened a little wider when you considered your own words, and then realized that you’d meant them.

If he’d love you as a worm, you might as well say it: “I wanna marry you.” 

He took a long drag of his cigarette. “I don’t think I’d be a good husband, but I’d marry you a million times over. Worm-form and all.” 

“Never said you had to be good. Just that you had to be.” 

He looked like he was gonna cry, now. You’d never seen him look like that. “Then I guess I will.”

You could feel yourself start to climb, away from the dark and up into smoke towards fancy cologne and a familiar gap-tooth grin. It felt nice, climbing back up without any fear of falling, or any worry of what was at the top. Kagero was waiting for you, and he’d wait as long as it took for you to find the surface again- even if you were a worm.

-

taglist: @knifeewifee @hanniejji @wesparklebitch @bvnnyclouds @katsukis-sad-angel

- dm/inbox to be added or removed from a taglist. 

[jamielea81]

Just a Simple Lie

Chapter 1

Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader

Description: Having worked on small independent films for the better part of a decade, your friend tells you about an opening for a script supervisor with a large studio. Wanting to advance your career, you apply and get an interview. The only downside, they prefer to hire crew who are married. It’s just a simple lie, right?

A/N: This fic is simply for fun. I know nothing about the personal lives of the two actors in this series and mean no harm. I am also totally guessing regarding the studio talk. This particular chapter is Chris light as it’s mainly a getting to know the reader. Chapters going forward will be heavy on the Chris aspect. Comments, reblogs, and likes are always welcome. Tag list is open, please send me an ask.

“Do you have the ring?”

“Of course, I have the ring.” You let out a frustrated breath. “This is so silly.”

Joanna chuckles over the line. “Where did you manage to get a ring from anyway?”

“It’s my grandmother’s. I feel like I’m majorly disrespecting her by wearing it when I’m not even engaged. Not to mention I’ve been single for-ev-er.” You drawl out.

“Breathe babe. Just breathe.” She says softly.

You inhale deeply and exhale it slowly.

“Maybe don’t do that directly into the phone.” She laughs again.

“Joanna Elizabeth.” You growl. “Why am I doing this?” You ask catching a glimpse of your reflection in the review mirror. Running a hand through your hair, you see the diamond engagement ring on your left finger. It feels so foreign, even stranger seeing it.

“Because this is a great opportunity to advance your career. Stone Lite is a major studio, Y/N. You can’t keep working on those student films.”

“Hey! I worked on a couple of independent movies. One even showed at Sundance.” You defend.

“And that’s awesome. Really. But this could be your big in. You’ve been doing this, what, for ten years?”

She was right. Ten years and the majority of your income came from student funded films and slinging beers three nights a week.

“And by your silence, you know I am right.”

Smug bitch.

“Ahuh.” You sigh.

“Look, I know it’s not right, but if this increases your chances of getting hired, just wear the damn ring.” Joanna huffs out.

“Easy for you to say, oh, wise married one.”

Joanna previously worked for Stone Lite Studios before moving on to Sony. It was a well-known amongst the employees that if you wanted to get hired for any position that put you in direct contact with any of the actors, you needed to be married. The studio was concerned with fan girls and fan boys. As if adults couldn’t control their urges and not make unwanted advances. Not to mention, married or not, some people still have affairs. Now granted, not every person there was married, but you had a greater advantage to get the job if you were. Right or wrong.

You drew the line at saying you were actually married and settled on being engaged. Not wanting to worry about details like how you kept your last name and lying on the tax forms you’d have to fill out. Even though you’ve only worked on small projects, Hollywood was surprisingly small when it came to the industry. It would be a lot harder to explain a sudden husband versus a fiancé. With Joanna’s agreement, you took your grandmother’s engagement ring from your jewelry box and slipped it on your finger.

“I’m just saying, give it a shot and see where this goes.” She reasoned.

“You’re right. You’re right. I better go in anyway. There’s a golf cart that keeps circling around the lot. They’re probably getting suspicious as to why I’m still in my car.”

She let out a chuckle. “They’re going to give you a ride to the offices. Welcome to the big leagues baby.”

 “Ms. Y/L/N, may I call you Y/N? Barbara Floyd, the interviewer and also the production manager asked.

The two of you had already gone over your previous crew history where you held a variety of positions including editor, grip, writer, and even wardrobe. On a whim, you took a script supervisor position on an independent short and really enjoyed it. The next job you took was on full length film in the same position, that’s when you decided that’s where your passion lied. Despite the copious amount of responsibility and that often brought on your anxiety, you loved the challenge.

“Of course, Mrs. Floyd.”

Her eyes went directly to your left hand. “That’s a beautiful ring.” She says.

Here we go.

“Thank you.” You stick your hand out for added affect.

“When’s the wedding?” She asks.

“Next year. We have a lot of out of town family. We just want to make sure they have time to arrange travel.”

Look at me lie. Maybe I should have tried acting.

“I’m sure it will be lovely.” She replies with a wide smile. “I’d like to introduce you to a few people. Please come with me.”

You received a contract via e-mail later that evening. They were bringing you on for one film with the option of three additional films after production. Granted, that’s if you didn’t mess up. Joanna was right, this is the big leagues. If you could make it through the next three to four months, you’d have a long term contract with a major studio.

The next day you received the script. Winter’s Sin was the working title. Whether or not the title would stick was anyone’s guess. You had worked with a few well-known actors, but more of the B list variety. Wonderfully talented actors, but they just didn’t get the parts or the recognition they often deserved. This film had a couple of big names, Keanu Reeves and Chris Evans to be exact. Maggie Jessup was this year’s it girl and rumor had it, this movie was going to launch her into stardom. Generally, you didn’t get star struck, but this was Keanu Reeves! You first fell in love with him when you saw Speed. And again, when you watched The Lake House. Too bad you were technically “engaged”.

Pre-production was set to start next week. This week would be spent going over the script a few times and creating notes. Some wouldn’t consider it the fun part of the job, but you loved diving into a script before it was brought to life. It was also a bonus that you generally liked the script. It was sort of a weepy drama with a love story tied in. But the main plot was between two friends, Milo played by Keanu and William played by Chris. You stayed up half the night and made it almost all the way through. To say you were invested was an understatement.

You read through the script twice more over the next few days and felt ready. Next week you would meet with wardrobe and the writers. The cast would be fitted and you would take photos for your own personal files to make sure styles remain the same for the shoot. Of course, this could all change the day shooting begins which is why you needed to be on your A game and get all the drinking out of the way tonight. You’d have Sunday to recover before starting at the studio on Monday.

 Laurel Tavern wasn’t necessarily your favorite bar, but it had become the place to get a bite to eat and a few drinks. It was also the most centrally located place for you and your friends to meet. Joanna and her husband Ian picked you up on the way, knowing you wanted to drink to excess. The three of you along with Travis and Jemma were celebrating your new job tonight. The five of you often found reasons to celebrate whether it was finding a twenty dollar bill on the side of the road, not getting fired from a particular job you’ve been slacking at, for the record, that was Travis, or getting a full eight hours of sleep. Tonight, was really worth celebrating.

“What do you want girl?” Joanna asked, getting up from your usual booth. “First rounds on me. If you’re nice, I might even buy you a second.” She throws you a wink.

“Ummm. I’d like a margarita, hold the margarita.” You say in all seriousness.

“Tequila. Got it.”  She says before turning away and heading to the bar.

“Extra limes.” You shout.

She waves her hand behind her head, not bothering to spare your table a look.

Travis joins your booth, a couple of pints of beer in hand. “Here, I brought you one.” Setting a pint of golden goodness in front of you.

You lean over kissing his cheek. “I feel so special.” You coo.

Travis wormed his way into your life seven years ago. He was a senior in college at the time, tall and lanky with hair that stuck out from under his hat. He was filming his final project before graduation. The two of you had a mutual friend in common, Jemma, who was an ex-girlfriend of Travis, how they stayed friends, was beyond you. You helped with directing, a little bit of script management, and even filled in for makeup on a few days. Anything to help a friend of a friend. Travis became your pseudo little brother, well, a brother that you kissed once. You had just broken up with Chad, never date a guy name Chad. Anyway, you had just broken up with Chad and were feeling down in the dumps about yourself. He fed you some bullshit about never being there for him when he needed you. You got angry, he got angry, and then he told you that you weren’t hot enough for him. Yep, Chad was a douche. Travis invited you over, feed you pizza and a ton of beers, then you kissed. He wasn’t a bad kisser, but it felt weird. He was five years younger than you, but it wasn’t just that, he was too much like a brother. The two of you agreed that it was a mistake and never brought it up again. Not even Jemma knew.

The five of you munched on burgers and grilled cheese sandwiches. Jemma bought you a margarita, even after you told her you just wanted the tequila. Her motive was to mooch some of the beverage off of you.

“I don’t want all of the calories. I just want to try it.” She grins. Big rosy cheeks and wild blonde hair. Her British accent on full affect after already consuming a few shots herself. She had lived in the United States most of her life, but when she drank, the accent became heavier.

She grabs your drink, taking a hold of the straw and consumes half of it in one go. If you didn’t love her, you would have ditched her years ago.

Pushing Ian out of the booth, you get up on wobbly feet and make the long twenty foot journey to the bar. “I’ll get my tequila myself. Thank you very much.” You tell the table.

 It’s after midnight by the time you’re dropped off. Running a makeup remover cloth over your face and stripping down to a cami, you call it good enough and crawl into your cozy bed.

 After a pit stop at Starbucks, you make it to the studio an hour earlier than you need to be. After parking in Timbuctoo, you graciously accept the golf cart ride from security.

One of the admins directs you to a small office down a long hallway with similar offices. There’s a laptop computer, various pens and notepads on the desk. You unpack a small plant you picked up yesterday after you dragged your hungover self out of bed and to the grocery store for food. There was no window in your office which you figured; a little greenery would liven the place up, literally.

 An hour later, one of the producers, David, came by to introduce himself and walk you around the grounds and through the soundstage you’d be shooting on. Filming would take place on the soundstage for a little more than a month. Then everyone would move the whole operation to Vancouver. The movie was called Winter’s Sin after all and there wasn’t a whole lot of winter in Los Angeles.

Before stopping back in your office, David popped into the office across from yours. He knocked while walking in, apparently already comfortable with the occupant.

“Hey Monica. I want you to meet Y/N. She’s the assistant script supervisor I was telling you about.”

Assistant? What?

Monica got up from her chair to greet you. You plastered on a smile and stuck out your hand. She was around your age and seriously gorgeous. Beautiful thick brown hair with a touch of caramel highlights that hung just above her chest.  

“Hi, Y/N. I’m looking forward to working with you. Would love to hear some of your ideas.”

“Same.”

What could you say? You weren’t told that you were an assistant script supervisor, you thought you had the position. Apparently, it was a shared position.

“Y/N will be working primarily with Chris and Keanu.”

Whoa. Well, at least there’s that.

Monica scoffs. “Really?”

Your eyes automatically go to her left hand. No ring. Of course.

“Yes, really. You’ve got Maggie. I think she can really flourish under your direction. Not to mention you have Hector, Tim, Daisy and Joe.

After the awkward exchange, you traded cellphone numbers with her and made plans to meet after the first read through with the cast.

Walking across the way into the safety of your office, you figured you might as well ask.

“I wasn’t aware that I was being hired on as an assistant script supervisor.”

David ran a hand down his face. “Y/N, listen. This is your first big film; you need to walk before you can run. Alright? If this goes well, you’ll probably get hired on as the lead.”

“Okay.” You sighed out

“Alright, I’ll see you later. Meeting at three on the soundstage.”

“Got it.” You replied, plopping yourself down in the desk chair.

David peeks his head back into your office. “You’ve got some visitors.”

“Thanks.” You call out, standing back up and pulling your door open wider.

Your heart stopped. At least you were pretty sure it did. Keanu and Chris were both in front of you. Yes, you were there to film a movie, but this felt like a freaking movie. The two of them, side by side, grins on their faces. Keanu’s hand outstretched while Chris’ hands were snugly in the front pockets of his jeans.

“Y/N, pleasure to meet you. I’m Keanu.”

You accept his hand but your pretty much speechless. You may have muttered “hi” but you can’t be sure. Sensing your nervousness, he gives you a smile and releases your hand. He looks to Chris and they exchange a silent conversation. Chris steps forward offering you his hand and once again you can’t breathe.

Has he always been this attractive? Apparently, I haven’t watched enough Avengers movies.

His hair’s a bit longer than what you remember from the one or two movies you’ve seen. He’s also sporting a full beard. Definitely something he can pull off.

You mentally slap yourself and pull your hand from his after you realize you hadn’t said anything.

“Um. Sorry. Haven’t had enough caffeine today. It’s nice to meet you both. I look forward to working with you on this shoot.”

“Nice plant.” Keanu says, pointing at the fern taking up the front corner of your desk.

You giggle. Like actually let out a giggle and you’re pretty sure your cheeks are flushed.

You’re a professional. Get your shit together.

“Well, you know?” Shrugging your shoulders. “Need to green the space up a bit.’

Chris nods his head and offers a closed mouth smile.

“Well, we won’t take up all your time. Just wanted to say hello.”

“Hello.” You reply with a wave.

Why am I so awkward?!

They both chuckle and Chris waves back at you.

Tomorrow you wouldn’t be so starstruck. These are just two men that you work with. Who cares that they both seem nice and are dangerously attractive? You’re an “engaged” woman who is also a professional. You can do this.

Yeah. I can do this.

If you are crossed out, I can’t tag you.

Tag list: @southerngracela  @chrisevansforever  @chrisevansfanfic @zsuzstyina @peach-acid @tanelle83 @pinknerdpanda @allaboutthebooz @estillion14 @panicfob@patzammit @heartislubbingdubbing @collinsstanharbour @twittytelly @thefandomzoneisdangerous @linki-locks11 @jennmurawski13

[sunsetsover]

I'd love to hear more of your thoughts on Ben having BPD

ok WHEW you just opened a fucking can of worms this about to be the longest post i’ve ever made i hope you have your seatbelt on

let me just preface this by saying nearly everything i talk abt in this post will be based off of my personal experiences w bpd. some people experience it differently, some people might not agree w some of the things i say, but i can only talk abt my own pov. therefore, this just my own personal opinions on ben having bpd. so yh lmao

and disclaimer!! i’m not a doctor!! don’t take anything i say in this post as diagnostic criteria! i’m not an expert or mental health professional!! when it comes to your own mental health or the mental health of ppl in your life, do not consider me a source to reference like ‘oh well lauren sunsetsover said xyz’ like pls just don’t do that. do your own research. and most importantly consult a doctor!!!!!! i am not one!!!!!!!!!

also there are very few sources in this post bc most of this is just shit i’ve absorbed over the years from doctors and doing my own research lmao

now that’s out of the way let’s go! (this became part character study, part informational masterpost on bpd. also it got really fuckin long, hence the read more, so be warned lmao)

warning for potentially triggering content (abuse/mentions of suicide and self harm - nothin too bad but i do touch on ben’s behaviour and history, and this is a p serious mental health issue we’re talking abt here so! take care of yourselves!!)

ok so! some things to keep in mind before we even get to ben:

i believe (at least in the uk) borderline personality disorder is considered to be an outdated name, and one that essentially isn’t appropriate or fit for purpose anymore, so in my experience, a lot of the time now it’s referred to as eupd (emotionally unstable personality disorder) in medical settings. which is way more apt name imo, and tells you more abt what bpd actually is (but i still call it bpd bc it’s easier and ppl know what that is lmao). so like. emotionally unstable personality disorder. i bet that conjures up a way more vivid idea in ur head than borderline  personality disorder does.

no one 100% knows what causes bpd, though it’s thought to be a combination of genetic and environmental factors, like most things. but the general consensus is that bpd develops when something (usually traumatic, but not always in an extreme sense. ppl w bpd have often been victims of some type of abuse in their childhood, but that’s not necessarily always the case) happens in your childhood that impacts the development of your personality. kind of a bizarre metaphor but hopefully it will help u understand: u know how in finding nemo, the egg nemo was in got damaged by the shark? and even tho the damage looked minor, it actually meant that one of his fins was permanently damaged - it was malformed, it didn’t grow right, he couldn’t use it properly? well imagine the fin = the personality; that’s what happens to a person w bpd’s personality. smth happens to us in our childhood that permanently damages our personality, and so it doesn’t grow and develop properly as the rest of us does, making it less functional than an average person’s. u can imagine how that can lead to all sorts of problem (we’ll get to them later)

but bc it’s a mental disorder that affects the personality, you can’t be diagnosed w bpd until you’re 18, when your personality is basically developed fully (i believe it can be diagnosed slightly younger, but those are rare and extreme cases). however, symptoms can start to present themselves earlier, as ur personality begins to develop and mature. (mine started presenting in my early teens)

bpd doesn’t really go away, and treatment with medication generally isn’t effective for long periods of time. however symptoms can be treated with continued therapy, and symptoms sometimes can start to ease as you get older!!

bpd also gets misdiagnosed a lot bc a lot of the symptoms are similar to that of other mental health problems. the biggest one it gets misdiagnosed as seems to be bipolar disorder, which i get tbh. i’ve always considered bpd very similar to bipolar, just like… quicker cycles. there are even memes about it. also bpd has a tendency to coexist w other mental health issues, which makes it harder to recognise and diagnose.

so now lets look at this from a diagnostic perspective

in order to be diagnosed w bpd you basically have to deemed, by a medical professional, to be meet certain criteria, and to have been meeting these certain criteria for a significant amount of time. there are some variations to this criteria, and proposed subtypes and basically different flavours of borderlines but i’m not even gonna go there. i’m just gonna talk abt what i’m most familiar w and how i think that applies to ben.

i’m copying and pasting the diagnostic criteria part from here bc as far as i’m aware this is the criteria doctors use for diagnosis. there are 9 different ‘indicators’/’criteria’, and you have to display or meet at least 5 of them in order to be considered for a bpd diagnosis:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

this is one of, if not the biggest part of bpd. that trauma i mentioned earlier? often stems from or is related to abandonment, or perceived abandonment, in childhood, be it physical or emotional. for example, a child that’s being abused by one parent might feel abandoned by the other parent if they don’t do anything about it, even if the second parent has no idea the abuse is going on. sound familiar? a similar thing happened to ben, with stella. phil not doing anything about the abuse ben was facing at the hands of stella - even though he didn’t know it was happening, even though phil did do something once he found out - was an abandonment to ben. and that’s just the tip of the abandonment iceberg for ben - kathy faking her death and leaving him was an abandonment (even when he thought she was actually dead), phil’s own abuse was an abandonment, as was his reaction when ben came out, and so on. and abandonment like that skews your thinking so you believe that everyone is going to abandon you, sooner or later, that they must be abandoning you for a reason, you must be a terrible person, you must be unworthy of people’s effort/time/love etc etc.

even when paul died, that was an abandonment to ben! like logically we know - and ben probably knows too - that paul didn’t want to die, he didn’t want to leave ben, he didn’t deliberately leave ben. but that doesn’t matter. mental illness is illogical, bpd is illogical, esp when it comes to abandonment. e.g. my therapist had to cancel a few of our appointments once bc she was ill, and it felt like an abandonment. like it was personal somehow, like she wasn’t coming into work bc of me, bc i was too much work, too hard to handle. ofc that wasn’t true, but that’s how it felt. it’s illogical. so ofc my solution was to just not go to my appointments even when she came back, bc like what other response is there lmao. it’s just that everything a person does feels personal, like it’s because of/about you, even when it isn’t. even when it has nothing to do w you. that’s probably why ben can come across at selfish at times, like he’s making everything about him. because it is all about him, in his mind. everything is because of him, is his doing, his fault etc. his way of thinking is skewed into thinking like that, bc shit keeps happening to him and ppl keep leaving him, so it must be his fault.

and!! ‘frantic efforts’ isn’t necessarily what u think it is!! it can be desperate begging ‘i’ll do anything to keep you in my life’ type actions, but it just as equally can be lashing out and abandoning someone in order to prevent them from abandoning u first - a ‘get them before they get me’ mentality  (the whole scene where phil was in the hospital comes to mind - the ‘why doesn’t he love me back?’ was the more desperate part of him, tho it wasn’t necessarily an ‘effort’ per se, but then him trying to kill his dad basically in order to have the abandonment be at least on his own terms? that’s lashing out, and def qualifies as a ‘frantic effort’ lmao). and how often do we see that in ben? lashing out at jay in the hospital because he knew he was mad at him, and he’d rather hurt jay physically before he could hurt him emotionally? ben trying to support callum and showing him kindness, only to turn around and threaten to out him when he finds out callum asked stuart to sort him out? everything that happened w his dad, trying to fuck him over before his dad can get there first, trying to get rid of keanu so he can’t be abandoned in favour of him (although that didn’t really work, but it rarely does work the way u want it to lmao). and the biggest one to me, though probably one that people have already forgotten, is him breaking up w that guy he was seeing in newcastle even tho they were into each other bc he ‘had to, otherwise [he] would have ruined his life’. even tho we don’t really get details, that says it all to me. it’s v much a pattern that’s present in ben.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by extremes between idealization and devaluation (also known as “splitting”)

i feel like this one doesn’t need much explaining lmao

here is a definition of splitting from here (which is a very good article on splitting imo if u wanna read more abt it): ‘Splitting is a term used in psychiatry to describe the inability to hold opposing thoughts, feelings, or beliefs. Some might say that a person who splits sees the world in terms of black or white, all or nothing. It’s a distorted way of thinking in which the positive or negative attributes of a person or event are neither weighed nor cohesive.’

a little explanation of it from me: ppl w bpd can sometimes have very simplistic, all or nothing views on things. and splitting is basically when ur opinion on something or someone changes very quickly (sometimes instantly), often to an extreme (e.g. going from loving and idolizing someone, to absolutely fucking hating them, or from having a neutral opinion on something to suddenly becoming extremely angry abt it) sometimes without even having an identifiable trigger. it links into black and white thinking, which u may have heard of before - u either love someone and they can do no wrong, or u hate them and they disgust you. either something is amazing or it’s terrible. there is no grey area, no in between. it goes back into the whole ‘not being able to regulate ur emotions properly’ thing lmao there’s rarely nuances to our emotions or feelings, we’re all or nothing a lot of the time. so splitting is when ur opinion rapidly changes to one of these extremes. sometimes u can even go back and forth, splitting over and over on the same person/thing which is super fun.

ben splits on his dad all the time. all the fucking time. he doesn’t care about phil at all and wants to ruin him, then he wants phil’s approval and to be welcomed back into the family fold and the business. then ben hates him and wants him dead, then 5 minutes later he wants his love, wants to be a good son again. that’s splitting. u can also see it w jay, too, but no where near as extreme as w his dad. and i’ve seen it a couple of times w callum too, but again, it’s way more subtle. u probably wouldn’t notice it if u weren’t looking for it, whereas w phil it’s obvious.

but like i don’t need to explain ‘unstable and intense interpersonal relationships’, do i? just look at the relationships w phil, w jay, w lola, w callum, even w paul - they were unstable back when they first got together, and were arguably kind of intense too. (he settled a bit w paul, but his death/perceived abandonment fucked him up a lot beyond the expected ways). he’s always arguing w the ppl he loves. he tried to get poor billy killed, and yet since then he’s had no problem w him!! none of his relationships - apart from maybe his mum and ian (i don’t include lexi bc she’s a child) - are stable. and i would definitely describe his relationships as intense lmao

3. Identity disturbance: Markedly or persistently unstable self-image or sense of self

u can see this most - as most things - in his relationship w his dad. he fluctuates between seeming to know his worth (and demanding other people know it too), knowing he deserves his dad’s love and approval (why else would he be so mad abt the fact hes not getting it, if not bc he knows he’s worthy of it? if he didn’t think so, he wouldn’t be so angry abt not getting it - he’d be accepting/understanding, wouldn’t he?) and being desperate to do anything to get his dad’s love/approval, even things that are below him, turning into a child, begging to know why his dad doesn’t love him, why he’s never been enough. that scene where phil had found out abt ben trying to frame keanu and leaving him for dead is the epitome of this. u can see ben fluctuate between a hurt, traumatized little boy, begging his dad for some answers, some explanation as to why he’s not enough, begging him not to start drinking again, and a man who is angry, angry at his dad, angry at himself for crumbling like this, bc he should be stronger than this. u see him change multiple times in that one single scene. go watch it again. you’ll see it too.

some more examples: his absolute certainty that he is better and more qualified than the likes of shirley and keanu for working with his dad, and then being like ‘my dad was right, i’m good for no one’ - they don’t line up. does he have self esteem and know his worth or not? also his entire relationship w callum is an example of this - all those changes in his attitude towards cal and their situation? he often treats callum like they’re equals who understand each other, yet sometimes it seems like he thinks he’s superior to callum (e.g. the scene outside the cafe), and others he behaves (keyword) as though he thinks he’s not good enough for callum (why else would he just take all that shit from whitney and not say anything in retaliation? why, if not because he deems it more important that callum has an easier time of it than he does; that he regards cal’s comfort more important than his own? and why would he do that, if he held himself in such high regards? i mean he certainly acts like it sometimes, so why not then?)

also like……. who is ben? is he the bastard who cares about no one but himself, who’s always causing trouble not only for himself but for the people he cares about? is he the guy who just completely folds when people he knows hurtle abuse at him, accepting it lying down, who thinks he’s no good for anyone? the guy who goes out all night and drinks himself silly and purposefully gets himself into fights? the guy who shows callum so much empathy even tho it brings him nothing but pain, who loves jay unconditionally, who tried so hard to help bobby when he came back from prison? which one is he? which one does he want to be? does he even know?

(and you could argue that people are just multi-dimensional, but there’s just such a vast gap between these different facets of ben’s character and he can flip through them so fast it’s jarring, which is why i think it’s more like he straight up doesn’t have a consistent sense of self. which is a big part of bpd)

4. Impulsive behavior in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

again, does this need explaining?

doing illegal shit, excessively drinking, becoming unnecessarily violent, fucking up his relationships, just generally doing reckless things regardless of the consequences - this has always been a part of ben’s character.

(his constant hook ups could be another one, but the jury’s still out on that one. if anything it’s less the sex that worries me and more the flippant attitude he has when meeting up w ppl - they could be anyone and do all sorts, at the end of the day)

it became most obvious recently around the anniversary of paul’s death - drinking himself sick, gambling all his money away, deliberately starting fights. but even before that and since then it’s been there.

it’s basically just a way to self sabotage.

i feel like this one isn’t a consistent part of ben’s behaviour like the others are, but it is undeniably there, so.

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-harming behavior

although ben (to my knowledge) hasn’t displayed any suicidal behaviour, he has at times spoken in ways that could kind of sway that way. (i’m no good for anyone, i’m not worth it, why do you care etc)

also self harming!!! just because he doesn’t hurt himself in a direct way doesn’t mean he doesn’t deliberately put himself in situations where he’ll get hurt, and that is self harm!! letting stuart beat him at pride was self harm!! picking that fight w those homophobes at e20 was self harm!!! drinking to excess is a form of self harm!!! putting himself in harm’s way, even if he doesn’t get hurt, is self harm!!!! just bc he might not be self harming in the traditional sense doesn’t mean he’s not hurting himself!!! this one has been on my mind for so long!!!! oh my god!!!!! he absolutely has a pattern of self harming/self destructive behaviours, and just a general disregard for his own safety and well being!!!! the fact that it doesn’t worry more ppl in his life is so upsetting to me!!!!!!

6. Emotional instability in reaction to day-to-day events (e.g., intense episodic sadness, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

aka the biggest part of bpd: pt 2

i feel like this definition doesn’t really do justice to this aspect of bpd. this is basically you literally having no control of your emotions. ‘day-to-day events’ have fuck all to do with it half the time. u could be sitting there minding ur business and all of a sudden you wanna smash up the entire room, for seemingly no reason. one time i was crying - like uncontrollably sobbing, a complete mess - and had been for maybe half an hour? and then all of a sudden, literally mid sob, it stopped. like it just stopped. i was done, i wasn’t sad anymore. i went from inconsolably crying to perfectly fine in a split second. can you even imagine that? it’s fucking crazy. that’s what having bpd is like. it’s like mood swings x1000 (that’s why i describe it like bipolar on a smaller scale - their mood swings last days/weeks/months, ours last minutes/hours, sometimes days but not often). you can be fine, then all of a sudden you’re not. or you can be not fine, and then all of a sudden you are. you can be ecstatic, then all of a sudden all the joy gets sucked out of ur body n u wanna die. then 5 mins later ur fine again. u can cycle thru every single human emotion in the space of a few hours with no warning whatsoever. u can go from feeling so many emotions u don’t know which one to focus on to feeling none at all. it’s exhausting. so yes ‘day-to-day events’ (this can be as minor as the way someone speaks to you, or not enjoying ur food as much as u thought u would, and it can make u terrifyingly sad or spark uncontrollable rage in u) can trigger it, but it’s like… at least that’s kind of justifiable. most of the time u just cannot regulate, control or predict ur emotions whatsoever. and often the emotions u do feel are not appropriate for the situation at hand lmao

on top of that, ppl w bpd have massive problems processing their emotions. while most ppl have the capacity to identify what they’re feeling and why, ppl w bpd often can’t. and bc they can’t identify it properly, they don’t know how to process it. that’s why emotions and feelings are so often black and white - we might develop the ability to recognise Big Emotions, like love and hate, happiness and sadness etc, but we can’t figure out the smaller, nuanced emotions. it becomes or, not and.

this is also why our emotions feel so big and all encompassing!! we can’t ignore our emotions!! they are our focus in a lot of ways. when ur sad, it feels like the world is ending, every single time. when ur happy, ur euphoric and nothing else matters, and so on. every emotion has the volume turned up to 100. that’s why our emotions sometimes come out in extreme or unhealthy ways - our emotions often feel so big we have such a hard time handling them. so we go to drastic lengths, whatever they may be, to cope.

(also bc most ppl w bpd are victims of abuse, we’re often hyperaware of other people’s moods, which can impact ours. someone can be annoyed for some innocuous, innocent reason, and yet bc we can sense it, we become scared or defensive and may lash out.)

and ben… little old ben, have u ever seen him have a rational reaction to anything in his life? how often have we seen him have an appropriate response to smth? my dad is shit, so i have to destroy him. failing that, i have to kill him. oh, my brother isn’t gonna let kill him? time to punch him in the face. my daughter ate all my cereal? it’s Overreaction Time. (this one in particular is Very Me like yes lexi is a child and he was unfair but my 7 year old cousin once drank all my j2os and i almost had a breakdown so i Get It) i’m feeling like shit? time to antagonise these homophobes until they beat me in the middle of the street. i sleep with this man once? time to get overly involved. he shows me a little bit of love and kindness? time to develop feelings for him despite him insisting he’s straight, the fact that he’s with a woman and i have been harassed and beaten by his homophobic family multiple times. but it isn’t going the way i wanted it to? time to impulsively hit him for not knowing what he wants, then immediately regret it.

and like. he went from crying his eyes out in his dad’s kitchen to threatening kat slater within the span of what, 10 minutes? he went from trying to kill his dad, to falling tf apart w jay, to trying to manipulate his dad - who had just woken up from a coma - for his own gain again, in the span of maybe an hour. if that doesn’t say rapid cycling, inconsistent emotions idk what does.

like idk enough about the old bens to say if this is a consistent characteristic of his or not (although based on the fact he killed a woman bc he was angry w his dad, i’d say it’s fairly safe to assume lmao) but ever since he came back his reactions and emotions have been pretty much never once been rational, stable or consistent.

(and like i wanna say i am saying all of this from the perspective of the bad days. so if you’re thinking ‘well, ben isn’t like that all the time’ ur right. neither am i. some days i’m fine, some days it’s not that bad, sometimes i can cope. but i still have bpd, even on those days. and imo, so does ben.)

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness

this is one i don’t really see in ben. we maybe see moments of emptiness, but certainly not enough to call it ‘chronic’.

also a lot of the moments we do see emptiness in ben, i feel like it’s forced emptiness, more for his own benefit or for the benefit of others rather than actual genuine emptiness. it’s not that he’s not feeling anything, it’s that what he is feeling he’s not showing. that’s very different from actually feeling empty.

8. Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

this! is! such! a! massive! part! of! having! bpd! and it’s a part that no one ever fucking talks about either!!!

and again, does this one need explaining?

ben is anger. he’s a ball of it, and he has been for a very, very long time. he’s angry at his dad, at the world, at himself. for all sorts of reasons, both complex and simple. if i sat here and tried to get into all of it this post would be twice as long as it already is. and i don’t think i really need to, anyway. it’s not as if any of us need to dig very deep to see it, is it?

‘frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights’ like i really don’t need to elaborate do i? bc what does ben do when he’s angry? his temper flairs up, he gets physical, lashes out, makes threats.

and he’s so often angry in response to emotional pain, which is the saddest (and for me, most relatable) part. just look at paul’s anniversary, how angry he was just in general, to everyone - even his mum, who is like the only exception to his anger since he’s been back - when he was just hurting and sad. how angry he got when he found out keanu had replaced him in phil’s will, when really he was just hurt. he gets angry and violent so people don’t see him as weak bc he’s hurting. he has been conditioned to get angry instead of getting sad. it’s not healthy at all.

there is so much more but i feel like it’s unnecessary for me to get into it. bc u know. ben’s not exactly subtle in his anger is he lmao

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

this is the only other one that i don’t see in ben at all, and it’s one that i don’t really experience myself either so i don’t even have any insight to offer lmao

so!! more or less 7/9!! that’s a passing grade for diagnosis!!! welcome to the club, mr mitchell!!!!

all of this, of course, has been purely from a medical, diagnostic standpoint (w some of my personal experiences sprinkled in lmao). there’s so much more to say from like a ‘living w bpd day to day’ standpoint but like, this post is already way too fuckin long so i’m just gonna hit on a few that i feel are important in regards to ben, and ones i have’t spoken abt yet

most ppl w bpd have a ‘fp’ or ‘favourite person’ (tho it can be multiple people), which sounds nice but it’s kind of a really complicated and difficult thing tbqh. here’s the best definition i could find: ‘When someone with BPD uses the term “favorite person” to describe someone else, they are typically insinuating that this is a person they cannot survive without. For BPD sufferers, the favorite person is the person who is a source of emotional support and dependence. This individual has the ability to truly impact the BPD sufferer’s day in either a positive or negative manner. The favorite person to someone with BPD holds a critical role in their lives by holding the power to ‘make or break’ the successful navigation of daily tasks and struggles.’ it’s a difficult thing to explain/understand (so please feel free to google ‘favourite person bpd’ to get a better understanding), and is not always as dramatic as it sounds, but it’s like… even if they aren’t a source of ‘emotion support’, ur mental wellbeing can hang on this person’s every move. (which is not healthy, i know, but it’s just a thing that happens w bpd!) and phil is absolutely ben’s fp. ben hates phil, and yet is still so desperate to be in his good graces, in his life no matter what that costs him… and ben’s self esteem, his actions, his moods are so dependant on phil. it just?? makes so much sense to me. i realize it may not make much sense to someone who doesn’t have any understanding of what a fp is, but like if u do, i’m sure u see what i see.

i think maybe jay was another fp of ben for a while in the past. i don’t think he is as much since ben has come back, but in the past?? maybe. like less in the ‘my happiness is dependant on u’ way and more in like a ‘i’m very very attached to u and need u in my life and would maybe go crazy if anything or anyone got in the way of that’ way.

and i think callum might be sneaking into territory now too tbqh. it would explain why callum’s actions and words have such an impact on ben’s moods despite not much really happening between them. and like i wanna say: someone becoming ur fp is not a choice. it just happens. it’s not like ben is going ‘oh im going to get overly attached to u just for a laugh’, no. this would be completely out of his control. and when it happens, it fucking SUCKS. so if that is what’s happening, it’s going to have a massive impact on ben - and it seems like it already is.

and like taking the whole fp thing out of it (bc i know it’s complicated and hard to grasp) bpd would explain why ben seems to be so attached to callum even tho very little has actually happened between them!!! like bpd will have u falling in love w someone who just shows you basic human kindness and decency, and i mean that very literally!!! bc like i said when you have bpd, you struggle to navigate and handle basic emotions, so all the nuances of romance and love? jesus christ. it goes back into black and white thinking - i either love this person or i hate this person, there is no in between. so callum, showing ben kindness? showing him support with what’s going on w louise and what happened w phil? not hating him and thinking he’s despicable and evil and all those things people say about him? and ben, having bpd? he probably wouldn’t be able to comprehend that maybe cal’s just being friendly, esp not after they slept together. so ofc he would latch tf on to that. i would latch tf on to that. his behaviour towards callum just seems very on brand for having bpd to me, genuinely.

and !! all those things whitney said the other night !! people complained about him not arguing back, but like… she’s almost saying what ben wants to hear, when it comes to callum. bc i touched on it before but like the thing is when, you have bpd ur thought process is like ‘i care about this person, they are good, i don’t deserve them, i am bad, i am going to ruin them, i’m probably manipulating them into spending time with me and caring about me, but i can’t let them go, i need them, i bet they don’t even like me, i don’t deserve them, i don’t want them to get hurt, i don’t want to hurt them, i am going to hurt them, in the end.’ (and eventually it spirals into ‘actually they’re probably going to hurt me first bc everyone always does so let me completely destroy this relationship so it’s unrecoverable and hurt them now so they can’t hurt me later’ but that’s another story) and whitney more or less confirms that for him!!! in essence, what she says to him is ‘you’re bad, he didn’t want anything to do with you but you manipulated him into it. you don’t deserve him, you’ve hurt him, you’ve hurt me, how could you do this?’ so like… ofc he’s not gonna argue w her. he’s already had a shit day, all of the fight is gone from him, and he agrees w her!! i’m sure he was thinking that he deserved what whit was throwing at him - not necessarily for what he’d done to her, but because he is Bad and callum is Good and he needs to stay away from him, otherwise he’ll ruin him. bc that’s just what bpd brain tells u, even when u’ve got no basis to believe it. (unless ur splitting or experiencing a big emotional high, but again, that’s a different story)

and that kind of makes sense as to why he’d go to the wedding. going back to the anger instead of sadness thing - he’s hurting, so he’s going to get angry and vengeful. he has been hurt, so now he is going to hurt in return. esp considering both callum and whitney have seen him in such a vulnerable state. it’s probably a pride thing, too.

also just to expand a little more on the ‘unstable sense of self’ thing - ppl w bpd (and also victims of abuse, but sometimes that particular venn diagram is a circle) tend to change the personality based on who they’re with. which is what most people do, yes, but i mean the Extreme version. it’s a trauma response thing - u’ll reflect parts of a person’s personality back at them, or even take bits from personalities of ppl u know they like in the hopes that they’ll like u more like that, as opposed to ur real personality (if u even know what that is). and sometimes those parts stick (esp when you idolize the person u stole them from/they’re your fp), and it’s like u all of a sudden realize ur entire personality is built of parts of other ppls personalities that you’ve stolen. so it makes sense to me that ben seems to have so many differing personalities/sides to his personality, bc he’s learned which parts to show to who, and in what situations - in response to his abuse as a kid, if nothing else.

(and before anyone can even go there: that is not an act of manipulation. it’s a trauma response. it’s something that happens without us consciously having any say in it, as a way of self-preservation. it’s like if i make myself likeable and appealing to u, you’re less likely to hurt me, physically or emotionally. and yes ben has a habit of manipulation, but this is not a part of it. none of ben’s manipulation is directly bc of his hypothetical bpd, it’s bc that’s just who he is. i don’t ever want to see the two equated, or see anyone say any shit like ‘ben must have bpd bc he’s manipulative’, ever.)

just for the hell of it, here are some spicy bpd memes, bc that’s how we communicate on the internet. (here are two in particular seem quite relevant to ben rn lmao + bonus one for phil!!)

so! there we are!!! i’m sure there’s some important stuff i overlooked and that this is not what u expected when u sent me this question, but there are so many misconceptions and stigmas out there surrounding bpd that i wouldn’t have felt right half assing it. and i hope, if nothing else, u learned something abt bpd that u didn’t know before :-)

if u read this far ur a trooper lmao but if anyone has any questions, be they abt ben having bpd or bpd in general please feel free to ask!! i’ll do my best to answer them to the best of my ability 💖💖

[faustiana]

Halloween at Tony’s was always a huge affair. Sharon remembers begging her aunts to let her stay late at Tony’s because his parties were almost always on a school night.

His parties aren’t as wild as they used to be. Especially with Morgan on the way. “I’m a family man now Bear,” he announces, using his childhood nickname for her. He seems so happy, almost bursting at the seams with pride. “I’ve thrown out all the cheap beer.”

Later, Pepper quietly hands her an expired six pack of Keystone Lights which she disposes off quickly.

She’d never thought she’d ever say this but she’s a little too tired for Halloween this year. A month long special ops in Kiev rooting out black market arms dispensaries has hollowed a deep ache into her bones. An ache that kept telling her to crawl into the nearest bed and let go of her consciousness.

But Halloween is special, and even though she wanted to dress up as one half of the twins from The Shining, she knows from experience that last minute costume shopping is worse than anything Kiev threw at her so she pokes two holes in an old, white duvet, throws it on and calls it a day.

The party’s great. Tony and Pepper are dressed as Gomez and Morticia Addams, the snacks on the food table look appropriately macabre, JARVIS is playing his favourite Halloween playlist which just consists of various Monster Mash remixes and Bucky is there.

She’s glad that her costume hides the way her cheeks go bright red at his costume. Because he’s dressed as John Wick. Three piece suit and all. He looks good. Like really, really good.

Sharon’s made her love for Keanu Reeves pretty well known to anyone who knows her. Her favourite Keanu Reeves character?

“John Wick!” she yelled emphatically once when they were hanging out at the local bar, super drunk. “God, he literally goes on a killing spree to avenge his dog. Relatable!”

Okay,” Bucky had laughed, rubbing her back to calm her down. “We get it!”

(Which reminds her she still hasn’t gotten back the John Wick boxset she’d lent Peter.)

Bucky laughs when he spots her, a drink in hand. (On closer inspection, the drink is just chocolate pudding with gummy worms in it.)

“Carter?” He asks, unable to contain his laughter. Sharon frowns, but of course he doesn’t see that. “How’d you guess? I could’ve been Nat for all you knew.”

“Maybe,” he smirks, loving this. “ But I did see Nat earlier wearing that Catwoman costume. Like she does every year. Also I think you’re one of the few people who could pull this look off.”

She knows full well the trap she’s about to walk into because she’s the one who helps set it up. “How? You can’t even see my face!”

He’s failing at hiding his grin now. “Exactly!”. Sharon's foot darts from underneath the duvet to kick him lightly in the shin but she's grinning.

It’s not that Bucky is predictable. Quite literally the opposite. Their enemies never know where the Winter Soldier would strike them from and how. But Sharon’s been around Bucky long enough to know how conversations with him dip and swirl. They both give each other the conversational equivalent of doing the tango.

Maybe that’s why she loves standing there next to Bucky, trading barbs. Their banter has a solid roast to flirt ratio that’s got her brain trying to keep up with the increased pace of her pulse.

As the party goes on around them, Sharon sheds the duvet because it’s kind of weird having the thin cotton flutter about her face every time she breathes. She talks to Bucky about everything and nothing, tuning out the world around them. She doesn’t notice when Clint accidentally staples the ears of Happy’s bunny costume or when MJ straight up paints a black spider on her cheek.

She’s been around Bucky long enough to develop a godawful crush on him. While, Sharon isn’t the kind to not get what she wants. She wants the chips to fall where they may with Bucky, because she’s a bit too attached to what she has with him now.

She’s not even sure she had a type before Bucky. Suddenly, her type is tall, sometimes broody with an easy smile and would without question sit with her in the corner of the room, rating everyone’s costumes out of ten.

“Sam gets a two. His Nick Fury is average at best.”

Sharon rolls her eyes. “Barnes, please. Five is the average. Sam gets an eight on eyepatch accuracy alone. Steve gets a two. He’s going as Evel Knievel for crying out loud!”

Bucky folds his arms in disagreement. “Evel Knievel is an American legend.”

“So’s Nick Fury. Just a more quieter one.”

“Okay but Banner gets a solid eight for going as Bruce Wayne instead of Batman.”

She scoffs, “Um, I know for a fact Banner’s not in a costume. He’s just in a suit.”

Bucky’s expression becomes more defensive when he says, “No, because when I asked him what he was going as. He said “Bruce” and walked away and I thought to myself That’s a classic Bruce Wayne move.”

“Banner’s first name is Bruce, you dingus. Plus he told me he wasn’t going as anyone this year and he hates superheroes, present company excluded.”

“Oh, shit.” Bucky groans. Sharon tries to grin but a yawn catches her off guard. For all her crush on Bucky Barnes, she doesn’t notice the way his eyes go soft when she tries to soldier on with rating Vision’s costume. She doesn’t know he knows about how she headed straight here from Kiev and how tired she must be.

She doesn’t know he also happens to have a giant ass crush on her, probably far longer than the one she’s had on him.

It's why he's got the John Wick suit in the first place.

("Its quality flirting okay, Sam!" he'd defended himself that morning to Sam who'd only quirked a questioning brow)

He'd had plans on asking her out tonight. He even practiced what he was going to say in the mirror but Sharon is really tired. He's waited this long. He can wait a bit more.

“C’mon,” he says, sliding an arm around her. Sharon leans into the fireplace like warmth radiating off of him. He’s got her duvet folded and draped over his metal arm. “I’m taking you home.”

“Before you do though, do you mind grabbing that plate of spooky sliders?” she asks tiredly, inclining her head towards the snack table. Bucky gives her a smile that he reserves for Sharon alone.

God, he's so done for. At least, this way he gets to practice his flirting skills on the mirror a bit more. When he asks Sharon out, it will be nothing less than perfect.

“I’m already on it."

(@winter13-events)

[the-desolated-quill]

‘But They’re Covered In Nipples’: The Story Of Destroy All Humans - Quill’s Scribbles

Another E3 has come and gone. There was some good announcements. Square Enix unveiled their Avengers game, Keanu Reeves came on stage to give us the release date of Cyberpunk 2077, Ubisoft are making another Watch Dogs set in London, and... um... what else happened?

Oh yeah!

DESTROY ALL HUMANS IS BACK!!!!!!

Yes, the cult classic Destroy All Humans is returning next year, developed by THQ Nordic and Black Forest Games. This was quite possibly the nicest surprise I’ve ever had. When the teaser trailer came up on my YouTube recommendations, I practically screamed the house down. It’s a level of excitement I felt when 20th Century Fox announced they were finally making a Deadpool movie. 

Yeah. That excited.

Destroy All Humans was my favourite video game series growing up. I played the first two games non-stop on my PS2 and I even bought a Nintendo Wii and PS3 just so I could play Big Willy Unleashed and Path Of The Furon (yeah, we’ll get to them). Unfortunately, while the series was reasonably successful, it never quite broke through into the mainstream, and it ended up having a very short lifespan, making it one of the most underrated franchises of all time.

So, to mark the return of Crypto and Pox, I thought I’d take a retrospective look at the series as a whole. Analysing each game in the franchise and talking about what made them so good, whilst also looking at how it faded into obscurity and how THQ Nordic and Black Forest Games can hopefully avoid this fate with their remake.

Radioactive, Exploding, Zombie Cows

The first Destroy All Humans was developed by THQ and Pandemic Studios (the latter probably most famous for making the original Star Wars Battlefront games. You know? The good ones that weren’t overloaded with loot boxes and microtransactions) and was released in 2005 on the PS2 and Xbox. You play as a Furon warrior called Cryptosporidium 137, or Crypto for short, who is tasked with harvesting the brains of humans in order to extract pure Furon DNA from them. His leader Orthopox 13, or Pox, explains that the Furons are at risk of cloning themselves into extinction as they are unable to reproduce naturally due to a lack of genitalia and the DNA in their cloning banks are starting to degrade. Fortunately the Furons visited prehistoric Earth on their way back from destroying the Martians and took the opportunity to ‘let off some steam’ with the natives. As a result, humans possess a strand of Furon DNA that can hopefully restore the Furons’ reproductive organs. Unfortunately a secret government organisation called Majestic (a sort of cross between Project Blue Book and the Men in Black) have caught wind of the Furon invasion due to Crypto 136 crash landing in Roswell 10 years earlier. So Crypto 137 will have to be extra cautious in his quest to take over Earth.

The game was released four years after Grand Theft Auto III, which had completely revolutionised gaming with its open world sandbox. As a result, other companies were attempting their own open worlds and putting their own spin on them. While Destroy All Humans didn’t quite have the same scale as GTA, it made up for it with quality over quantity. The game offered six small open world areas for players to have fun in and its central premise was utterly captivating. After countless games where you had to fight alien invaders, Destroy All Humans allowed you to play as the alien invader.

Pandemic Studios completely embraced the alien invasion premise, giving the player a vast number of weapons and abilities to wreak havoc on planet Earth. You had access to weapons like the Zap O Matic, Disintegrator Ray and Anal Probe (no, really, there’s actually a gun called the Anal Probe and it’s as funny as it sounds) as well as mental abilities such as Psychokinesis, Hypnotism and the Cortex Scan, which allowed you to read the thoughts of humans and was also used to help maintain your Holoblob disguise in stealth missions. And if that isn’t cool enough, you also get your own flying saucer, which you can use to destroy buildings and landmarks. The game gave you a lot of freedom, essentially dropping you in a small destructible playground and telling you to go and enjoy yourself.

But the thing I loved most about the first game was the writing. The plot itself is actually pretty good with plenty of twists and turns as the military and Majestic become more and more desperate to stop you. And the humour, my God the humour! Honestly Destroy All Humans remains to this day one of the funniest games I’ve ever played. It’s use of satirical humour and 50s pop culture references never failed to make me chuckle. There was one moment that I’ll always remember where I scanned the mind of a police officer and it revealed that he was thinking about forming the Village People. If only he could find a cowboy, an Indian and a construction worker. 

The game’s main source of comedy mostly came from poking fun at the culture and attitudes of the time period. 1950s America was of course gripped by ‘the Red Scare,’ which the game mocks frequently as we see Majestic and the US government try desperately to cover up alien activity by blaming the death and destruction on communists, to the point where it just gets more and more absurd. At the end of each mission, a newspaper headline is shown, often blaming recent events on freak weather or communist propaganda. Yes, that should explain perfectly why people’s heads are exploding and why the cows are glowing green. It’s all perfectly normal. No aliens here. What’s that? A little green man in a flying saucer is blowing up ice cream trucks? Damn you commies!

The game also pokes fun at 50s sci-fi B movies, often parodying and lampshading the tropes and gimmicks one would expect in a low budget sci-fi flick. For example, the game ends with you fighting a giant robot that houses the President’s brain. It’s fully aware of how ridiculous and stupid it all is and clearly revels in it. Killer robots, mind control, radioactive animals, mad scientists and secret government conspiracies galore. Destroy All Humans is very much a love letter to cheesy sci-fi.

But by far the biggest draw was the main characters. Crypto and Pox. They’re both such funny, wonderfully realised and likeable characters. Pox is voiced by Richard Steven Horvitz, who you may remember from Invader Zim, and he gives the character a maniacal glee. I honestly could listen to his rants all day. He’s the quintessential evil genius. Crypto meanwhile is voiced by J. Grant Albrecht, who gives the character a Jack Nicholson-esque voice. Unlike Pox, Crypto is crass, crude and craves destruction, which often puts him at odds with Pox, who favours more subtle styles of invasion such as mind control. The two characters often bicker and squabble, which never fails to be entertaining, and yet there is an underlying respect and fondness for each other that helps ground the relationship. It’s the perfect double act.

Destroy All Humans was a good game, but does it still hold up? Well there are a few issues. Controls can be a bit clunky at times and missions can often get repetitive. Destroy x number of farmers. Collect x amount of DNA. That kind of thing. Also, annoyingly, there’s no checkpoints, which means if you die or fail the mission, you’re automatically sent back to the Furon Mothership and you have to start the mission all over again. But the writing, humour and entertainment value more than make up for it.

Hot Monkey Love

While the first game wasn’t what you’d call a hit, it was successful enough for THQ to commission a sequel. Destroy All Humans 2 was released in 2006 on PS2 and Xbox, just one year after the first game, and this time Crypto was going international.

Set in the 1960s, ten years after the events of the first game, the KGB in Russia learn about the Furon’s takeover of America and plan a counterattack. They nuke the Furon Mothership, killing Pox, and try to assassinate Crypto 138, who is posing as the President of the United States. The assassination fails and Pox’s mind is able to survive in hologram form. The two then embark on a global adventure, seeking revenge against the KGB and uncovering a massive conspiracy that puts the entire Furon invasion at risk.

Destroy All Humans 2 is an ambitious sequel that increases its scope from the first game. No longer confined to America, we see Crypto terrorise San Francisco, London, Tokyo, Russia and even the Moon. Our arsenal of weapons are also expanded. The original weapons from the first game return as well as some all new ones such as the Disclocator, which fires a purple disc at a human or vehicle and sends them flying around the map, the Burrow Beast, which summons a Tremors-esque space worm to cause carnage, and Meteor Strike, which I think speaks for itself. We also get a few new mental abilities such as Transmogrify, which allows you to turn objects into ammo, and Free Love, which causes everyone in the general vicinity to start dancing, allowing you to make a quick getaway while they’re distracted. The saucer too has some extra features, including a cloaking device and the ability to drain vehicles of health using your Abducto Beam.

This sequel pretty much takes everything that worked from the first game whilst tweaking the things that didn’t. The GTA style Alert system got a complete overhaul. If you want to raise or lower the Alert level, all you have to do is bodysnatch a cop or a soldier and make a call using a police box (you can also make prank calls from them, which is good for a giggle). Holoblobbing has been replaced with Bodysnatching, which works so much better and it does away with the annoying Concentration meter, so you can PK cars and humans to your heart’s content. There’s also a lot more stuff to do now. There are numerous collectables such as Alien Artefacts, which unlocks the Burrow Beast weapon, and FuroTech Cells, which are your main currency that can be used to upgrade your health and weapons. Missions have greater variety than in the first game. There’s a lot more side missions, including Odd Jobs and my personal favourites the Cult of Arkvoodle missions, where Crypto brainwashes humans to worship the Furon God Arkvoodle of the Sacred Crotch.

As you can tell, the humour is still just as wacky and ridiculous as ever. Destroy All Humans 2 lampoons and ridicules the 60s mercilessly, taking aim at the Cold War and the hippie counterculture movement. It also pokes fun at 60s sci-fi films, spy films and Japanese movies like Godzilla. In fact there’s a boss fight that involves you fighting a Godzilla-esque monster and it’s honestly the best boss fight in the series. It regains health by destroying buildings, so you have to destroy them first before you can kill the monster. It’s a great premise.

Story-wise, Destroy All Humans 2 is a worthy successor, raising the stakes and expanding the lore. We’re introduced to the Blisk, the Martians that were presumed extinct by the Furons millions of years ago. It’s a brilliant conflict and ostensibly allows the developers to make commentaries on America and Russia at the time using the Furons and the Blisk respectively as stand-ins. Crypto and Pox are well written, funny and likeable as ever and we’re also introduced to an assortment of new characters, including the Russian spy Natalya and MI6 agent Ponsomby (voiced by none other than Anthony Head from Buffy). The game is engaging and rewarding, but it crucially never takes itself too seriously. For example there’s one instance in Tokyo where Crypto learns about the battle between the White and Black Ninjas and he guesses that the conflict started because of the cliche student betraying his master type origin, but it turns out that both groups of ninjas were originally Grey, but then they ran out of grey fabric and disagreed over which colour they should be instead. There’s so many great comedic moments like that and they pretty much hit bullseyes every time.

That being said, there was one aspect of the game I didn’t like and that was the crude sex jokes. Crypto 138 is the first clone to have pure Furon DNA, which means he now has genitalia. As a result, this new incarnation of Crypto is far more randy than 137 was in the first game.  This mostly takes the form of Crypto constantly trying to hit on Natalya, despite her showing no sexual interest, which I personally found pretty gross. Worse still, the game ends with Crypto cloning Natalya and ‘making a few adjustments’ so she will consent to have sex with him. The word ‘creepy’ doesn’t begin to cover how I felt about this. If THQ Nordic and Black Forest Games ever decide to remake the second game, I really hope they consider rethinking that ending because... Jesus!

On the whole, Destroy All Humans 2 was a brilliant sequel. It was also sadly the last Destroy All Humans game to be developed by Pandemic Studios before they were bought by EA and eventually shut down in 2009. Unfortunately this would have a severe impact on the future of the series going forward.

Limp Willy

The next game in the series was a spinoff for the Nintendo Wii, released in early 2008 and developed by Locomotive Games. A PS2 version was also planned, but was scrapped due to budget cuts (remember this. It’ll become relevant later).

Destroy All Humans: Big Willy Unleashed was... underwhelming, to say the least. Set in the 1970s, six years after the second game, Crypto and Pox have opened a fast food restaurant called Big Willy as a way of disposing of the corpses left behind during Crypto’s missions. However a rival fast food chain, run by Colonel Kluckin’, is stealing their business and socialite Patty Wurst is threatening to expose Big Willy (smirk). So it’s up to Crypto to protect Pox’s Big Willy (haha) and maintain their cover on Earth.

Now you’re probably thinking this sounds quite tame compared to the previous two games, and yeah, it is. But it’s a spinoff, so I can understand to a certain extent. However there are a few narrative discrepancies. The big one being Crypto has retired from being the President. No explanation given as to why and we have no idea what Crypto is doing instead. When we first see him, he’s watching TV. He doesn’t even know Big Willy exists until Pox brings it up. So what’s going on exactly? Are they still trying to invade Earth or have they gone native? Also, compared to the grand conspiracy stories of the previous games, Crypto protecting a fast food restaurant sounds a little beneath him.

Gameplay is virtually unchanged from the previous game. There’s some new guns such as Ball Lightning and the Zombie Gun, but nothing special. The biggest addition is Big Willy, the restaurant mascot that’s actually a Furon battle mech in disguise. It’s... fine. Not that much different from the Saucer really. We also get some new locations. Harbor City, Fairfield in Kentucky, Fantasy Atoll (a weak parody of Fantasy Island) and Vietmahl (a painfully obvious homage to Vietnam). None of these locations are particularly interesting however. There’s also a multiplayer mode, which... exists.

Honestly the game as a whole is just lacklustre. The story just isn’t as good as the first two games and the humour doesn’t have the same wit or intelligence. Most of the comedy surrounds the fact that Pox has called his restaurant Big Willy and isn’t entirely aware of the double entendre, which admittedly is funny for the first few missions, but by the time you’ve finished Harbor City and move on to Fairfield, the joke gets old real fast. There’s less of an effort to actually satirise the culture or films of the time, instead merely making 70s pop culture references without ever actually doing anything with it. It’s like the Family Guy school of comedy. Take Fantasy Atoll for instance. A pisstake of Fantasy Island, but instead of Mr. Roarke and Tatoo, we get Mr. Pork and Ratpoo. That’s the level of humour we’re talking about here.

What’s worse is that J. Grant Albrecht and Richard Steven Horwitz don’t return as Crypto and Pox. Sean Donnellan and Darryl Kurylo voice the characters instead and it’s just not the same. It doesn’t feel like Crypto and Pox. So from the very first cutscene, we’re already off on the wrong foot.

And then there’s a bunch of other stuff that I find really questionable. The most obvious being the revelation that Colonel Kluckin’ makes his chicken wings from the corpses of the Vietmahl (Vietnam) war, which just seems in very bad taste to me. If there is a satirical point being made here, I can’t find it for the life of me. There’s also some side missions where Crypto finds out that he and Natalya have a son, which goes absolutely nowhere and doesn’t feel like something that should be in a Destroy All Humans game.

Overall, Big Willy Unleashed was a massive dud meant to tide us over until Destroy All Humans 3 came out later in the year. Honestly the one aspect of it I thought had potential was the side missions involving Crypto and Pox being assessed by a Furon Efficiency Expert called Toxoplasma Gondii. Considering what happened in the second game, including the destruction of the Furon Mothership, the return of the Blisk and the Furon operation on Earth being jeoprodised, this could have been a great premise for a sequel.

Instead what we got was... 

Disco Inferno

Oh boy. Where do I begin?

Path Of The Furon was developed by THQ and Sandblast Games and released in December 2008 on the Xbox 360 in North America. The PS3 version was cancelled because Sandblast (and Locomotive Games) was closed down before development was finished due to THQ’s financial problems at the time. However the PS3 version was released in Europe and Australia, so either THQ got another studio to complete it or, more likely, they just released it in a broken, buggy state.

Fans really didn’t like this game, myself included, but before we go tearing it a new one, lets look at the few positives the game has. First off, J. Grant Albrecht and Richard Steven Horwitz return to voice Crypto and Pox, which is great. As a result, the original chemistry is back and they help salvage the game when the writing fails to deliver. There are a few cool new weapons, like the Black Hole Gun and the Venus Human Trap, which creates a giant man eating plant. The Saucer’s weapons have been tweaked, so now they affect the environment as well as destroy buildings. So if you fire your Death Ray at the ground, for example, you can create scorch marks. PK now has its own dedicated button, which means you can pick up and throw objects whilst using your guns simultaneously. There’s also the titular ‘Path Of Enlightenment,’ which upgrades your mental abilities significantly as well as allowing you to freeze time.

That’s the good stuff. The bad stuff is... pretty much everything else.

The humour is, again, quite poor. Rather than satirising 70s culture, the game continues to make references to 70s films like The Godfather and Star Wars, but not actually doing anything with them. Just making the reference. The writing as a whole is quite substandard as the plot pretty much recycles the plots of Destroy All Humans 2 and Big Willy Unleashed, except instead of the Big Willy restaurant, it’s the Space Dust casino and instead of the Blisk, it’s Nexosporidium warriors, who are basically Furon cyborgs. Things do threaten to get a bit interesting when Crypto and Pox discover someone has been manufacturing synthetic Furon DNA, but nothing ever really comes of it. Instead the game focuses mainly on the Master.

Ah yes. The Master.

In an attempt to recapture the magic of the second game, Path Of The Furon tries to spoof kung-fu movies just like how DAH 2 spoofed spy films. Unfortunately this leads us to a slew of unfunny gags, cultural appropriation and some of the worst racial stereotyping I think I’ve ever seen. The Master is a Furon who crashed on Earth a hundred years ago and embroiled himself in Eastern culture, enhancing his PK abilities. This is what he looks like:

YYYYeah.

Oh and if that’s not awkward enough, he also speaks in an over the top ‘ah so’ accent. It’s incredibly cringeworthy and made me want to crawl out of my body and hide in the darkest corner I could possibly find. How anyone involved in this game’s development could look at this deeply racist and downright embarrassing excuse for a character and think this was okay, I don’t know.

And before anyone tries to excuse it by saying that he has been living in China for a hundred years, so he’s bound to pick a few things up, please note that Nolan North is in this game playing the Furon Emperor Meningitis, who also has an over the top ‘ah so’ accent. Now I suppose some could argue that the game is satirising how Asian people were portrayed at the time, but if that’s what the game is going for, they’ve failed miserably. See, the problem with that argument is that replicating something doesn’t count as satire. By recreating over the top racist caricatures, you’re not making fun of them. If anything you’re just reinforcing them. The first game’s satire of the Red Scare worked so much better than this because there was an actual point behind it. It comments on how paranoid the people of the 50s were at the time by using Majestic to exploit the threat of communism in order to cover up alien activity, and everyone willingly buys into it because of that sheer paranoia. Now yes, admittedly the humour in Destroy All Humans isn’t the most sophisticated in the world, but it used to be a LOT better than this. Not only do I find the racial stereotyping in this game deeply offensive, it’s also frankly beneath this franchise. And it’s not just limited to the Chinese either. The final act takes us to the Furon homeworld (which was pretty underwhelming after four games worth of buildup) and we meet another Furon called Endometriosis whose only characteristics are that he has an Italian accent and wears a beret. It’s these broad strokes and general laziness that makes this game such a disappointing experience.

Path Of The Furon is subpar in every way imaginable. The writing, the humour, the gameplay and even the graphics. The first two games looked so much better than this and they were on older consoles from the previous generation. It’s shocking.

It’s hard to blame Sandblast Games for this considering they were shut down before development was finished. It was THQ’s mismanagement and financial woes that killed off this franchise and indeed themselves. The company went bankrupt in 2012 and their various IPs were sold off to other studios, with Nordic Games buying the lions’ share, including Destroy All Humans, which briefly reignited hopes that we might get another game, but that seemed unlikely considering the franchise has never exactly been a mainstream success. There was even talks of doing an animated sitcom based on the games for Fox, to be written by the same guy who did King Of The Hill, but that never went anywhere.

No. It seemed like Destroy All Humans was gone for good and fans reluctantly made peace with that. It was fun while it lasted, but perhaps it was time to move on.

Oh The Furonity!

I’m not going to lie. I was pretty sure we were never going to see Destroy All Humans return. Not just because of its lack of mainstream appeal, but also because game development studios and publishers in recent years have become more and more reluctant to make single player, mid-tier games. Instead pivoting toward massive triple A releases and ‘live services’. So it came as a rather pleasant surprise when Nordic Games, now named THQ Nordic, released Darksiders III in 2018, a sequel to a series of games that were also not very mainstream but still had a significant cult following. This briefly reignited a small flicker of hope within me that maybe, just maybe, we might see our favourite Furon return.

And as you already know, I got my wish. A new Destroy All Humans game will be released next year by THQ Nordic and Black Forest Games.

So what can this remake learn from the franchise’s past? Well thankfully the writing and voice acting is going to remain the same, so story, characterisation and humour won’t be an issue. They’re also incorporating elements from the sequels such as Transmogrify from Destroy All Humans 2 and giving PK its own button like in Path Of The Furon. There’s also a few new additions that I’m excited about such as the ability to dodge and strafe using the jetpack. That should make combat much more exciting and dynamic. I know a few people have a problem with the new cartoony designs of the humans and the world, but I honestly don’t mind. In fact I think it suits the tone and setting quite well. Hopefully people will eventually get used to it. The big question mark hovering over all this is whether they’re planning to remake the other games in the series. I for one would love to see a remake of the second game. As for Big Willy Unleashed and Path Of The Furon, I think it’s best to leave them firmly in the past. The big dream would be to see Crypto and Pox have further adventures together beyond the first two games. Hopefully even have enough sequels to get the characters to the present day. We’ll just have to wait and see what the future brings. My only word of advice for them would be to never forget what made the first two games so good and so beloved. Big Willy Unleashed and Path Of The Furon lost their way, as its writing and humour grew lazier and lazier. If we are fortunate enough to get more games, the developers will need to remember what it was about the first game that made it so special and build off of it.

This is a second chance. Not a lot of franchises get this. Don’t waste it. Here’s hoping the remake will provide the definitive Destroy All Humans experience and that it will gain the success it deserves.

[polygon-streams]

May 2nd 2019- Donk Souls

Summary: Pat plays Dark Souls again with our lovable protagonist, Magnum Kong Jr. New environments and monster types are explored (and some cool hats)!

Pat starts in and makes a face at the camera. Eyes wide, staring in glee, the game boots up

Pat acknowledges new subs, mocked the “Hey boy!” clip as it played

Snorkel_the_Dolphin is a rare game historian on twitter, subbed to Pat

Since MK was finished last stream, we’re doing Donk Souls for this stream

Typically saves parts ahead of where we were last stream, so that he has played that part of the game before stream; didn’t this time

Boots on music: Donkey Kong Tropical Freeze soundtrack

I forgot what the character looked like until he panned back to the game lmaoooo

Recap: we are on the road of sacrifices, w nasty lil bird freaks in it (they sprout from the ground and show one of their wings)

“Luckily, we have the biggest fucking hammer in the world to hit them with” (It’s actually a mace)

Pat thinks he’s gonna switch his primary weapons to be a sword and the big hammer

Pat appreciates whistling, especially w vibrato

Brushy is very good at whistling, so can Faith. Pat asks which one can whistle deeper, then tries to whistle deeply. Deepest whistle is throat singing, in Pat’s opinion

Fun fact: Pat used to be able to throat sing, but won’t on stream bc it’s very loud and he thinks he can’t anymore (I don’t care if he can) (I want to see a throat-singing Pat)

Loves the bird-people noises coming from in-the-game

Pat games over: “I got sloppy”

Pat talks about the “Thank you Sonic for 200” tweet (i don’t know what that is). People upset about bad appearance of Sonic, but Pat doesn’t think it’s gonna make a difference bc the script will still be bad. Would be more angry if your perfect image of Sonic is put in a terrible movie

Got over for uncanny valley for Pikachu bc the script seems fine, and proportions are still the same, just moved to a different format

Asks brushy if he’s allowed to have a fursona. Pat thinks he has a bird-sona. A crow or a tired dog. Maybe a borzoi, but doesn’t think he’s elegant enough

Hot take: borzoi’s are the dumbest dogs. Pat loves this

Dipped for a bit here

Doesn’t like rowdy DK music. “This is stressing me tf out”. Sets the music to be more chill. Appreciates pan flute of new song

Talks about spaghetti tech. Proper way to eat spaghetti involves swirling spaghetti between a fork and a spoon. Makes it more convenient, so that spaget doesn’t slide off. Pat has never had rare spaghetti, but has had al dente penne. Al dente spaghetti sounds hard bc hard to wrap around fork

Got a new hat, but dirty af

Finds new crab boss. “Crab hit hard!” Pat loses 1st time, but wins and gets swamp ring

Had to leave for a bit here

Someone got the voice actor for snake to say that “pee is stored in the balls” in his solid snake voice. Pat approves this, so that actor can make the most of the voice

Destroys a man’s book collection because he wouldn’t come back to his camp because he was “too stupid”. Then comes back to kill him.

“I would never put on a ring to make me smart. Magnum jr. would never do that”

The music in this part of the stream slaps in particular

“Cool hat logan”

Mentions how it started to rain outside and how it’s nice to be comfy inside!

Drinkin’ a real piece of shit beer here tonight

“It’s not a bud light it's a budweiser, bud heavy”

Mentions how here’s never had coke and pepsi together before but wants to and probably will soon, perhaps on stream

Goes to fight crystal sage (a boss he hasn’t beaten yet)

Only coke he enjoys is mexican coke rn (which is arguably the best)

Someone knocks on his door so he goes to see who it is, causing chat to go piss crazy

Comes back and says “what did you do faith” she said she drinks grinch soda, or groda, causing her to get timed out

Looks for good armor but refuses to wear one because the ass. is. not. open.

“Let’s go fight a bowass”

The music then turns to what i can only describe as what a classy clown would listen to. Still slaps tho

Has a boss fight that looks like a big ol whack a mole fight with the crystal sage

Makes a small mistake and dies “I got so stupid”

“This time we’ll just be 5% less stupid and 100% more victorious”

Mocks the boss enemies in a new york accent ��ya think you’re better than me? Just cuz you know how to read some magical runes you think you’re better than me?”

Makes the sub “yee” noise when he gained a new sub

Watched The Matrix last night and said it held up and was still a good movie

Defeats the boss and sets a bonfire

Mentions how he loves keanu reeves and how he's essentially just doing what he wants

Also mentions how he already got tickets for the new John Wick movie

Says they did a really good job making it seem like a violent, horrible experience to wake up from being in the matrix.

Says he doesn’t really know which way he’s going and he’s just going!

“Hey who’s that?” as he jumps down from a cliff to attack an enemy

“I got the knives in my back, fake friends”

“I know they’re fake friends because real friends would stab me in the front” pat,,,no

Gives an update to his bathroom and says workers are still working and are isolating the ceiling problem and he hopes it’ll be over soon

He really did “hewwo” to us huh

Thanks dark souls for giving a good level design in a fight “love it, yes, excellent, perfect”

Sighs and says you can not pet the dog

Moves to a shield to help in fighting

Chat spams donuts

Memeshart begs for pat to go in a building, but Pat’s just gonna keep exploring

Finally goes into building after exploring

I have to do something urgent right now!

Character says “Redayy be careful”; Pat mocks it (I dunno what he actually said, that’s just what it sounded like)

He goes to level up Magnum jr., and buy stuff he couldn’t buy previously. Bought a really big hat that was totally worth it. Unfortunately, it covers up Magnum Jr’s face. Realizes he can’t level up yet bc he has more souls to burn

Pat admits he has not had a lot of Japanese soft drinks, largely bc people probably don’t bring them overseas much

Finds himself in a Dark Souls treasure nook, w red water. “Is this the blood-loss water?”

Pat got worms!! But the worms don’t want the fire Pat was gonna use them for. Needs to switch the torch w the worms. He also got bees

Pat recites the Bugs sound button as it plays

Gonna wrap up soon bc Thomas is live and we’re gonna raid him

Pat got two Christmas Lizards in game

Goes to fight a giant ice lizard boss, not knowing what he’s doing. Regrets this decision and leaves

Brushy got spaghetti, possibly related to earlier convos in the stream

Pat likes the gross-out art in Dark Souls. Likes that it’s a Japanese developing team taking a Western take that look diff from other Western games

Finished his wrap-around of the area, and decides to cut the stream, but will resume DS on the weekend!!

End of stream!

[keanuital]

As a filmmaker, you can destroy entire cities with relative impunity and gleefully obliterate whole civilizations with malicious delight without losing an audience’s sympathy. But movies must tread lightly when animals are involved, because there are few things more likely to enrage audiences than the unnecessary death of an animal, particularly a dog. Dogs are borderline sacred in American society, and our treatment of onscreen mutts reflects that.

Thankfully, the 2014 instant cult classic John Wick, directed by former stuntmen Chad Stahelski and David Leitch, has the most necessary and meaningful death of a cinematic canine since Old Yeller, and one nearly as mourned. The dog is the key to John Wick’s magic. Without it, the movie is merely an extraordinarily well-made, skillfully directed and performed action neo-noir starring Keanu Reeves. That’s not a bad place to start, but the dog’s death elevates John Wick to the level of lurid pop tragedy. It transforms a movie for action-film buffs into a movie for anyone likely to be deeply affected by the death of an adorable dog. That is to say, everyone.

I usually find the revenge genre morally abhorrent and emotionally empty, but when vengeance is exacted on behalf of a four-legged charmer instead of a person, it changes everything. In that case, the very universe itself howls for justice, and in John Wick, the title character is the instrument of its fury.

The film opens with the death (by natural causes) of John Wick’s wife (Bridget Moynahan), a woman good and decent enough to inspire her adoring husband to abandon his life of violence and criminality, even though he is to killing people what Meryl Streep is to acting: the gold standard by which all others are judged. A lesser film would have dragged out the wife’s death, but John Wick deals with her as quickly, smoothly, and efficiently as it does everything else.

HE’S NO MERE KILLER FOR HIRE. HE’S MORE LIKE A CONTEMPORARY FOLK HERO.

Before her light is permanently extinguished, though, she arranges to have a puppy named Daisy shipped to her husband’s home to help him deal with his impending grief. John doesn’t get to spend a whole lot of time with the dog, but he doesn’t need to. Daisy immediately makes an indelible impression and worms her way into the hearts and minds of everyone in the audience. Seldom has a badass action movie been so defined by the adorableness of one of its principals. With the exception of the Death Wish series, of course.

John Wick himself is a familiar action-movie archetype: a man of violence who has figured out a way to leave his past behind and enjoy the simple pleasures of an honest, law-abiding existence. Then one day, Iosef Tarasov (Alfie Allen), the degenerate son of Russian mob kingpin Viggo Tarasov (Michael Nyqvist), attempts to buy John’s 1969 Ford Mustang Mach 1 from him at a gas station. Wick politely declines the offer, but Iosef is used to having his way, so he and his men follow John home, where they murder his dog and steal his car. This makes John Wick angry. And you wouldn’t like John Wick when he’s angry. Because first he gets angry, and then he starts murdering people. And once he starts, he doesn’t stop until his thirst for vengeance has been sated.

Wick now has something to live for, and more importantly, something to kill for. From that point on, Viggo and John are on a collision course only one of them will survive, if anyone survives at all. In one of the film’s few bits of exposition, Viggo explains that John’s nickname was “The Boogeyman,” but even that undersells his badassery, because, as Viggo clarifies, John Wick is not the boogeyman so much as he’s the one you send to kill the boogeyman. He’s no mere killer for hire. He’s more like a contemporary folk hero.

In Viggo, John Wick boasts a villain worthy of its anti-hero. Nyqvist plays the mob boss as an inveterate philosopher who regards his life and death with a wry sense of world-weary resignation. His respect for Wick borders on awe, and he seems to know, deep down, that it is his existential destiny to be killed by him. He seems resigned to his fate.

But something deeper also seems to be at work. There’s a sense that Viggo wishes John Wick were his son, and he’s come to terms with his death — and the death of his own son — as an appropriate price to pay to the universe for the unforgivable, unpardonable crime of killing Wick’s dog and stealing his car. To put it in Network terms, when snot-nosed Iosef and his boys killed Wick’s dog, they meddled with the primal forces of nature, and Wick quite simply is not having it.

THE GENIUS OF JOHN WICK LIES IN ITS TOUGH-GUY MINIMALISM. 

Derek Kolstad’s crackerjack screenplay is as notable for all of the things that aren’t said as it is for the few things that are. It boldly and brazenly eschews exposition — the elaborate backstories and speeches and arbitrary love interest and all of the other crap that makes action movies so forgettable and interchangeable — so that it can focus monomaniacally on all the things that make action movies awesome.

The film allows John Wick to remain a mystery throughout and surrounds him with characters who are every bit as enigmatic and tantalizingly unknowable as him. We learn, for example, almost nothing about the underworld figures played by the likes of heavyweights Willem Dafoe and Ian McShane, but the way they treat each other says more about them and the dark, ominous, honor-bound world they inhabit than reams of dialogue ever could. Because John Wick leaves so much unsaid, we don’t have any choice but to fill in the blanks.

These weary survivors flesh out the film’s vision of a criminal world that functions as an alternate universe that exists within our own world, complete with an elaborate code of ethics that, like everything else in the film, is never explicitly spelled out. This shadow world has gods and demons and legends of their own, and John Wick qualifies as all three. He’s a righteous angel of vengeance.

The genius of John Wick — and I do not use that word lightly — lies in its tough-guy minimalism, in the way it strips the revenge melodrama down to its raw, potent core. That minimalism extends to the dialogue. The more Keanu Reeves says here, the less badass he seems. Thankfully he says almost nothing, so when he does speak it’s more forceful. Likewise, we don’t need to hear about what a force of nature John Wick is because it’s apparent in every punch, every kick, and every bad guy murdered; the film is admirably committed to showing rather than telling.

Just about the only time John Wick says more than is absolutely necessary is when he’s captured by Viggo and explains the urgency and necessity of his particular path. He describes what Daisy meant to him, how she gave him his first taste of hope in ages, only to have that hope extinguished by a bullet. In John Wick, the criminal world is no place for tourists: either you’re in the life 100 percent or you’re out completely.

John murders a small nation’s worth of glowering Russians over the course of the movie, so he’s not exactly tip-toeing shyly back into his old ways. Yet it isn’t until John is captured by Viggo and roped to a chair, when he tells him and his armed thugs, “People keep asking if I’m back and I haven’t really had an answer. But now, yeah, I’M THINKING I’M BACK!” that his bloody comeback becomes official.

Reeves delivers those instantly iconic lines with ragged breath and visceral, overpowering rage. Like Philip Seymour Hoffman in Mission Impossible 3, he’s a deadly threat to everyone around him even when bound and captured by his enemies.

THERE’S A ZEN CALM TO JOHN WICK THAT COMES AS MUCH FROM THE ACTOR AS THE SCRIPT.

But there’s a Zen calm to John Wick that comes as much from the actor as the script. Reeves possesses a sweetness and vulnerability that, in the past, has worked against his efforts to come across as tough and imposing. But that likability, as well as his androgynous good looks, makes it easy to buy the title character as a man who will never recover from the personal losses he’s suffered, no matter how many Russians he murders. Just as importantly, at this stage in his career, Reeves has the presence and physical chops to pull off playing this virtuoso of bloodshed, this Mozart of righteous mass murder. Style-wise, John Wick is a marvel of clean, unadorned efficiency. The film’s alternately black-grey and lurid neon color scheme and visceral brutality suggest Only God Forgives if Nicolas Winding-Refn’s film was intent on entertaining audiences rather than repulsing them.

The world of John Wick is full of mystery and empty spaces, so while the film is perfect in its own right, its universe begs to be expanded with sequels and a TV spin-off and graphic novels and comic books and novelizations. Accordingly, the sequel did even better with critics and audiences than the original film, and it seems like there’s an awful lot that can still be done with the character, as evidenced by plans for a John Wick TV series.

But why stop there? If any blood-splattered action movie franchise invited an officially licensed line of dog toys and bulletproof puppy vests, it’s this one. Hell, if Billy Jack got four movies, then John Wick deserves at least eight.

John Wick transformed Keanu Reeves (who had a little bit of success in action via the popular Matrix films) from a wannabe badass to the real thing. John Wick is the hero we need, and a hero for our times, even if we have done little, if anything, to deserve him.

[gwynnew]

'Girls Trip' Breakout Tiffany Haddish Shares Grapefruit Tricks and Creative Ex Revenge Ideas (An R-Rated Q&A)

Tiffany Haddish in ‘Girls Trip’ (Photo: Universal)

In a rough year for studio comedies, Girls Trip brings some welcome relief, delivering major laughs, a $30 million opening weekend, and a breakout star. Stand-up comedian Tiffany Haddish plays Dina, the loose cannon in a group of now-older college friends (the others being Regina Hall, Queen Latifah, and Jada Pinkett Smith) who reunite for a trip to New Orleans. It’s a terrific ensemble but Haddish effortlessly steals every scene, including one moment — a sex-act demonstration involving a grapefruit and a banana — that seems destined to rank with the hair-gel gag in There’s Something About Mary and the diarrhea scene in Bridesmaids as an R-rated comedy milestone.

The outrageous comedy of Girls Trip is grounded in the characters’ believable and complicated friendship, and Haddish brings layers of childlike sweetness and hard-won loyalty to Dina’s raunchy persona. Though she’s appeared in other films (notably 2016’s Key and Peele vehicle Keanu), Haddish is best known for her TV work, including The Carmichael Show, Real Husbands of Hollywood, and VH1’s Hip-Hop Squares. Now, Girls Trip is taking Haddish to a new level of visibility, and when Yahoo Movies caught up with her, she was excitedly preparing for her first appearance on a late-night talk show (Jimmy Kimmel Live, where she slayed with a story about taking Jada and Will Smith on a New Orleans swamp tour). In a freewheeling conversation, Haddish talked to Yahoo Movies about her favorite improvised Girls Trip scene, trading comedy tips with Queen Latifah, and of course, the challenge of “grapefruiting.” [Note: Interview contains explicit language.] 

So, have you been reading the Girls Trip reviews? Some of them that people have been sending to me, I’ve been seeing them. I don’t go out and look because, you know, I don’t want to look for any trouble. [Laughs] There might be something bad, and then I’ll be like, ‘Now I gotta write this writer. Now I gotta write them and tell them my story and why I behave the way that I do.’ [In a ‘writer’ voice:] Tiffany Haddish, not only is she filthy, she likes to write letters!

Basically everyone agrees that you’re the breakout star of this film. Has your life changed? Did you wake up this morning all sparkly? Girl, no. My credit score’s still the same. I don’t know, I feel like I’ve been sleepwalking the whole time, like I’m living this dream, I’m doing all this press, going here, going there, and it’s my dream come true. It’s what I’ve always wanted to do. I don’t think my life has changed too much because I’ve been living my dream for quite some time now.

Your character Dina is so sweet and such a loose cannon at the same time. What made you feel a connection to her? Well, I feel like Dina is bipolar. And I think we all have that friend that’s like, one minute she’s extra cool, fun to be around, the next minute you’re like, “Why did I bring her with me?” And I have friends like that. I don’t know, I might be that friend! I just love the character, and she reminds me of myself a lot. She’s like me times ten. Some things that Dina does I probably wouldn’t do, like I’m not into golden showers, personally. But Dina is! [Laughs] But I have grapefruited before, I’m not gonna lie on that. So that right there, we got a lot in common.

Regina Hall, Tiffany Haddish Jada Pinkett Smith, and Queen Latifah in ‘Girls Trip’ (Photo: Universal)

Everybody is obsessed with the grapefruit scene. I was obsessed with it when I read it in the script! When I read it in the script, I was like, Aw yeah, I can’t wait to do this, I gotta get this job! I’m a pro at this! Nobody else will do it just it the way I would do it! 

How do you prep for a moment like that? You know, you just reflect on the past, and just think, what would a guy like? What would be entertaining to a man? And then do that, and then do a little bit of the opposite of that. [Laughs] Have fun with it. I don’t know. Anyone I’ve ever grapefruited has been deeply in love with me because I like to play with my food. [Laughs] I really do that! I go [makes loud slurping noises].

See, this is a print interview and I can’t transcribe that! “Haddish makes sexy but kind of disturbing noises.” [Laughs] This is a great interview.

You’ve said that the grapefruit bit took a few takes. How long were you actually doing that scene? I would say three hours total with them having to wipe my face off every time, get all the pulp off my face. “Reset!”

‘Girls Trip’: Watch a clip (NSFW; explicit language):

https://www.yahoo.com/%20girls-trip-girls-critique-%20lisa-211720181.html?format=%20embed®ion=US&lang=en-US&%20site=movies&player_autoplay=%20true

What was your favorite scene to shoot? The dancing scenes were my favorite. And the scene where it’s the four of us and I’m telling Ryan what I would do to her husband [after finding out he cheated on her]. Like, “Yeah girl, I got your back, I’ll get a Q-tip and I’ll stick it in his pee-pee hole” — all that stuff.

Did you improvise some of that? A lot of it, yeah. Because I think I was just supposed to say “Timberland boots” and “hot grits.” But I added a bunch of extra stuff to it. Even the part where you don’t even see me on camera, where I’m like, “But I will s–t in his shoes, though.” [Laughs] A lot of that I pulled from my own life. There’s some stuff they cut out, I was so mad. I saw it in the original cut, but I guess they cut it out because maybe they were thinking like, man, women might really try this. But it was a thing that I said where like, “Yeah girl, first I’m gonna give him an Ambien, and then I’m gonna burn your name in his penis, and put salt in it and mud, and then we tell these bitches to keep your name out they mouth. [Laughs] “That’s keloid, yeah! It’ll be ribbed for your pleasure — but you tell these bitches to keep your name out they mouth.” To me that’s the funniest thing in the world. And I’ve said that to men before, like “Yeah, let me find out you’re cheating on me, I’ma burn my name in your penis.”

I love that you had that list ready to go! Yes, girl. I have a full revenge list. Like, put crickets in a dude’s car. Buy some crickets, put them in his car, and then he just hear crickets all the time. And you put lettuce under the seat so you feed the crickets, and they make cricket babies, and you can’t get them out.

That’s so creative! Oh yeah, I got a lot of them, girl. Put ants in his bed, right? Just buy a box of ants and just let ‘em loose in the bed. Put sugar cubes all in the bed. If he try to cheat on you, bring another woman in the house, right, and they’re rolling around in the bed, and she’s like “Something’s so crawly!” and then they turn on the lights, and ants, all over them! Yeah. Mmmhmm. Now if you really want to get revenge, you get you some centipedes, put centipedes in the bed. Then he’ll never sleep in the bed again! [Laughs]

Now I’m just imagining the looks you get when you walk into your local pet store. You can order them off of Amazon! You can order centipedes. And worms. But I think pooping in his shoes is the best way, because you know, men put you through a lot of crap, and you can make them walk in that crap they put you through. See I got a lot of revenge things, cuz I’ve been hurt, so I think of a lot of things, and then I’m like, no, I’ll let God handle it. And God usually does way better than me. So they’re just thoughts.

Tiffany Haddish attends the premiere of ‘Girls Trip’ at Regal LA Live Stadium 14 on July 13, 2017, in Los Angeles. (Photo: Jason LaVeris/FilmMagic)

Sometimes with female-driven comedies, studios get nervous about being too explicit. Did the director ever tell you that you needed to dial it back? I mean, occasionally, not too often. More so, if we were coming in at 5 in the morning — and I was so happy to be at work — sometimes I’d be super cheery and chipper and talking a lot and it’s early in the morning, and maybe people ain’t feeling like that right at that moment, and then somebody might be like, “Uh, Tiff, turn it down.” I’m like, “Oh, OK, I’m sorry. I’ll be quiet!” But as far as dialing it back, every time we would do the scenes, first I would play it like it says in the script and then I would add a little something and either they’d keep it or not.

You all really go for it. I love Queen Latifah making out with a lamp — everyone gets those great moments. I told her to put her feet up! When she has her feet up in the air? I told her, “You should put your feet up in the air when you got the lamp on you!” She’s like, “I’ma try it.” We were always suggesting stuff to each other. I love [director] Malcolm [D. Lee] because he let us play. And it’s so funny because Jada, she’s so much like her character, sometimes she said things like, “I don’t know if I feel comfortable saying ‘bitch’ right here. I don’t know if I feel comfortable….” Like Jada — stop it, you’re from Baltimore! Come on now. [Laughs]

I have to ask about the scene where you unleash your bladder while you’re on a zipline. How did they do it, and was it as fun as it looked? We had to do some training beforehand, like how to be on a zipline, and they had these tubes down our backs. And I was telling them, “Hey, you guys, I can drink enough water, I don’t need these tubes, I can do this myself.” And they were like “No, we don’t want any hazardous issues.” [Laughs] But I was like, “I’m pretty sure I’m clean, you guys!” But we did that overnight, we started shooting at probably midnight, and we were peeing on real people. I mean we didn’t pee pee, it was just Gatorade. But it was fun. It was really, really fun.

‘Girls Trip’: Watch a trailer:

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‘The Neverending Story’ Empress Tami Stronach Shares Behind-the-Scenes Stories From the ’80s Fantasy Film

‘Beauty and the Beast’ Star Luke Evans Reveals His Gaston Workout Regime and Sings His Favorite Line

‘Moana’ Costar Jemaine Clement on His Crab-tastic David Bowie Impression

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[littlemisslomax]

"C" isn't just for Constantine...

Ch. 1 - "Oh yeah, that's a good idea."

John Constantine x nurse!Reader : CW: medical talk, mention of cancer, mention of su¡cide.

The hospital's fluorescent lights flickered overhead as you made your way down the corridor, the rhythmic beeping of machines and the hushed murmurs of nurses filling the air. Your shift had just started, and you were already tired. All of last week, you prayed to be assigned to the ER or to Triage, but here you are in Oncology and Radio. It’s so… depressing. It's so dismal that it drains you just to walk down these hallways, hearing the things you hear from different rooms as you pass them. You glanced at the chart in your hand, the first patient of the shift: John Constantine, Room 314. Preparing for an MRI. You took a deep breath and pushed open the door.

The room was dimly lit, a stark contrast to the bright, sterile hallway. A pallid, lanky man in an expensive suit sat on the edge of the exam table, a cigarette dangling from his lips, the smoke curling upwards in lazy tendrils. His eyes, dark and haunted, flicked towards you as you entered, small wisps of his black hair drooping over his forehead.

"Mr. Constantine?" you called softly, stepping closer into the room and shutting the door.

"Yeah, that's me," he replied, his voice rough and weary. He took another drag from his cigarette, the ember glowing brightly for a moment before he exhaled a plume of smoke.

“Hello, I’m uh— I’m your nurse for today.” You offer him a weak smile before your eyes trail down to the cigarette hanging loosely between his lips. “If I could just ask you to please put out your cigarette…?” The request squeaked out a bit awkwardly. It was always so tough asking patients to do anything, especially considering how much these patients already probably have to worry about.

"I'm here to help you get ready for your MRI," you explained, setting the chart down and moving to gather the necessary supplies. The room smelled faintly of antiseptic, mixed with the acrid scent of tobacco. "It won't take long."

He watched you with a mix of curiosity and wariness, his eyes tracking your every movement. You could feel the weight of his gaze, heavy and probing, as if he were trying to see past the surface to uncover your secrets. It was disconcerting, but you pushed the feeling aside and focused on your task.

"Not many people would want this job," he remarked, a hint of sardonic humor in his tone. His voice was like gravel, roughened by years of hard living.

You looked up, meeting his eyes. They were a striking shade of brown, intense and void-like. "Well, someone has to do it," you replied, offering a small smile. Truth be told, you would much rather be in Pediatrics, handing out stickers and lollipops, but you obviously can’t just tell him that. That would be terrible bedside manner. "And besides, everyone deserves a bit of kindness."

He let out a bitter chuckle, the sound low and mirthless. "Yeah, nothing but sunshine and rainbows for me."

"Well anyways, Mr. Constantine, let’s get you ready." You said, your voice steady. "If you could just undress and get into this gown." The paper of the hospital gown rustled a bit as you lifted it out of the exam table drawer and handed it to him. You turned away, working on something on the counter to give him some privacy. “MRI magnets are some of the strongest in the world. Please be sure you remove any and all metal from your being and leave them with your clothes.” You added as a cautionary warning. John wasn’t loving this. What a waste of time—but the blood in his coughing sure was a sight. He had to get this done. So, with a roll of his eyes, he obliged and took off his watch, and removed all metal on his body. But… he was taking a pretty long time getting that gown on. He was more worried about removing all of his protection. For just a moment you turn around and catch a glimpse of him shirtless, seeing all of those tattoos of different sigils and symbols. Your cheeks get just a little bit hot, and you turn around. Suddenly, that jar of cotton balls on the counter is extremely interesting.

You adjust your scrubs and cough before sitting down at the monitor at the desk in the corner to begin the pre-examination questionnaire. “Well, I know you smoke… How many in a day...?” You ask, pulling up his file. “Oh, I swear, I don’t smoke,” John scoffed, a sarcastic smirk spreading across his somber face as his gaze remained glued on the sterile linoleum floors. “Some guy just came in and strongarmed me into trying a cigarette… Peer pressure is a real problem in our world, y’know?” Unamused, you just look at him with a silent expression that speaks volumes. After a few beats and a couple blinks you speak up. “Mr. Constantine.” “Jeez.” He muttered, “No sense of humor...? Fine. I'd say a pack a day.” John finally gave the answer. “Well… It says here on your file that you have previously struggled with suicidal tendencies. Would you say that this is something you continue to struggle with? Preferably on a scale from one to ten.” Typically, this was a heavy question for you to ask any patient, but it seemed John wasn’t your typical patient anyway. “I wouldn’t say I struggled. I was pretty successful in my endeavors.” John gave another dry joke of an answer and a mirthless chuckle.

And he was met with another blank stare. But this time, you were trying to hold back a laugh. That one was kinda funny, but you gotta keep a straight face, this is serious. With a clearing of his throat, he spoke up another response. “About a two…” The only noise that could be heard in the exam room was the sound of your fingers clicking against the chunky keyboard, the humming of the fluorescent lights, and the crinkling of the sterile parchment under where John was seated. You stood and washed your hands before gloving up and going over to him to administer a few run-of-the-mill tests before transferring him to Radiology. The wheels of the blood pressure monitor creak as you roll the small cart over to the table. Velcro rips apart as you open the cuff and wrap it around his arm.

"So... Why do you do this?" he asked suddenly, breaking the silence.

You paused, considering your answer. "Because I believe everyone has a chance at redemption. And sometimes, it starts here, I guess."

He studied you, his gaze intense and searching as if trying to gauge the sincerity of your words. "Redemption, huh? Not sure there's enough bedside manner on earth to redeem some people." John said, his tone low and almost derisive, knowing that by 'some people,' he was really talking about himself.

"Maybe not," you conceded, meeting his eyes once more. "But it's worth a try, isn't it?"

For a moment, he seemed at a loss for words. It was as if your words had struck a chord, resonating with something deep within him. You pulled the cuff off of his arm and smiled softly.

"Maybe," he said finally, his voice softer than before. "Maybe it is."

The weird tension was broken by the entrance of John’s doctor and a couple of Radiologists, ready to take him over to the MRI. “John? You ready?” John’s dark eyes bolted over to the doctors in the doorway. The dread and worry in the pit of his stomach grew heavier and heavier.

You looked up at him and offered a reassuring smile, your hand gently resting on top of his. "I'll be here when you're done," you said gently. "You're not alone in this. They’re going to take great care of you. I’ll be sure to keep your stuff nice and safe until you come back. Looks expensive."

His eyes flicked back to yours, and for the first time, you saw a flicker of something other than cynicism and bitterness. It was fleeting, but it was there—hope, maybe, or the faintest glimmer of trust.

"Thanks," he muttered, his voice barely audible.

As you stepped back, giving him space, you couldn't help but feel a strange connection to this man. Something about him drew you in; a sense of shared understanding and unspoken empathy. You knew this was just the beginning, a first step on a path that could lead to something more.

And as you left the room, you couldn't shake the feeling that your paths were meant to cross, that in the thralls of fate, you had found each other for a reason. A regular kismet.

a/n: eat up y'all, this is gonna be a slooooowww burn. in all seriousness, i really hope you guys like it, i've had writer's block from hell recently, and know i've been super inactive. hoping this makes up for it