#kassy harwell: addict verse.

[thewholecrew]

@deathvisited said:  “You’re enough. You’re enough. You’re enough. I promise you.” Seb to Kassy in addiction

     it was all lies, it was all he ever did. lie to her in attempts to make her feel better for not being enough for him. for not being able to help him, for him leaving her. she had never been enough. even before grant. but after him? there was no shot. she was no better to him than a punch in the gut. then a bottle of booze. and thus... he became no better than a line or two. or that was what she tried to convince herself anyways. she could never feel the same joy and exuberance she felt with him. the way she felt lighter, more animated. like she was waking from a dream, stepping from a fog, dancing like a flower does reaching towards the sun. when things were good they were great. but they hadn’t been good for a few years now, and yet still when he would show up his presence gave her enough of a hit that reminded her how it felt to be alive. 

     then he would go and her world would fall grey again. at the time she knew she couldn’t put all her happiness on him, that it wasn’t fair to him. that she needed to find happiness in others, other people, other things... what’s an extra line more to keep the party going? what’s a little more to keep that confidence up? what’s a little more to keep the shakes at bay? and as time went on her addiction festered, grew and so did her anger. 

     first it was her hatred for grant, how he could do something like that, how he could hold all of sebastian’s love, have all his attention and crush it. spit on it. how all the work they had done getting him to a place where he enjoyed living once again had been destroyed in a single year. how could he do that to her best friend? how could he?! then came the anger of how sebastian avoided her when it all happened. nearly a year before she saw him! busy on missions, avoiding her calls, short text messages in reply and when he’d visit it was brief and he was a ghost of himself no matter how hard he tried. then when he’d leave her anger turned inwards, a slow growing self hatred, an agonizing realization that she had tried over years to refuse was true. she was not enough. she would never be enough. never compete with the man who broke his heart. she was pathetic. they would never know the joy they once had, and there was nothing she could do about it. 

     it was true, because during all that time he was distant she still reached out, still checked on him, still wished for his company-- he would reassure her that he did too but it was just another lie. he didn’t want her company. and in this moment she didn’t want his. her body shook with tremors and chills, a cold sweat on her brow as she curled tighter into a ball. she was beyond exhausted, all she wanted was to sleep. all she needed was a hit and it would ease all of this, and she could sleep. or at least be able to function. but either way she didn’t want to hear his lies, his empty promises. was she only enough when she was dying?  

     he always did suck at trying to help, she thought bitterly. he could do nothing. at this point she just wanted to die, for this all to be over, the pain, the lies, the way she wept without tears, her sobs a heaving gasping sound as she trembled weakly in his arms. her stomach was empty and yet it still twisted and wrenched, angry with her as she was him. as much as she hated him in this moment, didn’t believe him, felt betrayed by him she still clung to his shirt, hiding her sickly face in his shoulder. she had no one without him. nothing. nothing but a grey meaningless world and white lines. 

     as an artist she should have known, without colour, adding white wouldn’t help.  “y-you l-lie...” she barely managed, yet clung to him anyways.

[thewholecrew]

@deathvisited: kassy & sebastian. / verse: addiction.

her world was spinning and she almost wished she'd stayed in the darkness, the light of the hospital blinding as aches and pains began breaking through the numbness that had set in. her throat and nose felt raw, chest aching and everything made it hard to breathe. tears stung in her eyes as lashes fluttered and she tried to look around without moving her head. hearing sebastians voice was like seeing a lighthouse through the fog, immediately she latched onto it, dark and tired gaze finding him as her heart squeezed painfully in her chest.

the hospital. she wanted to curse as anger built in a tight, hot pit in her stomach which only had her body ache more. she was angry with herself more than anyone at this point. how had this happened again? she could have sworn she was keeping tabs on just how much she was using. how could she've been so stupid? when sebastian offered her the straw to some water her initial reaction was to refuse it but she didn't, dry lips parting as she took a painful few sips of water. swallowing had her wince, a quiet pained noise escaping her throat as her eyes closed, hands trembling at her side.

"like shit...." she groaned quietly, eyes opening again to look sadly up at sebastian. she never wanted him to see her this way, never wanted to be like this. but he had warned her before and she hadn't listened, had been so angry with him and while she still was, she was also grateful he was here. dark eyes flooded with tears as she weakly shifted her hand palm up on the bed beside her to offer it to him. "...'m sorry sebby..." she whimpered as tears streaked her cheeks. she missed him so much and in this moment was tired of hating him. shame flooded through her as she struggled again to swallow.

"..p-please stay..." she begged him in a hoarse whisper, such a phrase she wondered if she had used so much earlier that all of this would have been avoided. if she had told him how badly she needed him, how she was struggling without him, maybe things would be different. but there was a deep pain in her heart, a great fear that he still would have left even then and it would have crushed her just as, if not more, than she felt now.

[ wake ] for one muse to wake up to the other at the side of their hospital bed - kass

sebastian had been doing his best, he'd tried again and again to stop her from indulging in her addiction but there was only so much he could do. he couldn't lock her away forever and with callum being unable to say no to her..... they were here again. he sat beside the beside, hands clasped in front of him. he knew she was mad at him, probably hated him, but he'd sent both alec and callum home. they weren't good for her right now, neither of them able to hold their ground quite as well as he could, and hell he even failed. this time had been particularly bad and now.... he bent his head and prayed.

he couldn't lose her, he couldn't deal with the idea of her never waking up again. it was obvious she wasn't able to care about herself enough not to destroy herself and she was so angry with him for being gone. he could completely understand that, to a point, but there was some kind of issue with her not understanding that just because he wasn't here didn't mean he didn't care. he did, far too much, and if he was around he'd thought that it was worse off for her. his life was dangerous and the people he dealt with could hurt her. staying away was better for her, or so he'd thought. he hadn't given her the choice to make the decision for herself and that was wrong, he supposed.

he didn't believe in god but he'd start as long as she got better. they'd said she could have lasting damage from the seizure this time but he had to believe that she'd be fine, that she'd see the seriousness of it this time. he had to.

he had never felt so fucking lost, and when she stirred hours later his eyes were bloodshot from unshed tears, he'd talked to his mom and ted and they were coming because clearly everything he'd been saying hadn't been working and he needed back up. ted was furious at him for letting this happen --- as if kassy wasn't her own person and he could control her completely --- and his mother was beyond worried. "hey," he whispered, his voice quiet as her eyes fluttered open and he sucked in a breath. confusion coated her expression and as he held his breath he hoped for her to yell at him. "where am i?" the words were softly spoken and her voice hoarse with disuse. he rose to grab her some water coming back with it and a straw before answering. "the hospital," he didn't judge her for her addiction, he was just trying to understand why.

he knew kassy had her own things going on, that she'd indicated she didn't feel happy throughout the years, but he'd never realized she was medicating with pills and blow and now...... he hoped it wasn't too late. "i found you in the bathroom," he murmured. just like he had last time, she'd been sick on herself while she was OD'ing and he'd never been so scared in his life. his kassy was neat and tidy and always well put together but when she got like that..... it was terrifying. "how are you feeling?" was she going to kick him out or let him stay? he hadn't been here when she needed him but he hoped he'd proven he wasn't going anywhere.

@thewholecrew

[thewholecrew]

kassy’s pov to this post here @deathvisited

     things had gone too far this time and she knew it yet she couldn’t stop, yet she still pushed against the help offered, horrified by the idea of rehab. she knew she’d gone too far, that he had found and got her to the hospital and yet she still couldn’t admit that anything was wrong. it had been an accident, she had had things under control every other fucking time, this had just been a slip up. it wouldn’t happen again. it wasn’t like she was trying to die. she didn’t like the pain that came along with it, the crushing compressions to her chest to bring her back. she just wanted the numbness to go away.

     but it hadn’t and she still felt it creeping through her body like a snake through tall grass, like a disease crawling desperately through her veins. that the only way to get rid of it was to flood it with something else. she could tell he was upset on the way home from the hospital and when they’d pulled up to his apartment instead of her own she looked at him sharply. “i didn’t pack any of my stuff? what are we doing here? what about my stuff? what about chromie? take me home first, why are we here?” she had spat out question after question only for sebastian to counter with reasonable replies that to her sounded like excuses. sounded like accusations. sounded like she wasn’t going to be able to take anything here. 

     she eventually went up though unwillingly and it wasn’t until he refused to give her alcohol or even more than two advil that she was fed up. she turned to leave but he blocked her, his movements quick yet calm and something about that just set her off. “get the fuck out of the way sebastian. i’m going home.” she demanded yet he didn’t move from her way, his arms at his sides before she screamed at him and tried to shove him. “i’m fine!” she lied, hardly believing it herself anymore (because at a time she really did believe it). still he wouldn’t budge and instead she decided to make a dash for the bar. in her right mind she’d’ve realized she had no chance against him. he darted from the door to scoop her up before she was more than three steps away.

     “LET GO OF ME!” she screamed, nails scratching and slashing as she kicked and squirmed in his arms. it was no use yet she couldn’t stop, not then, not after he had closed the door of the guest room behind him. fists banged against the door as anger and the addiction dug their claws deeper and she was seeing red, spewing her darkest thoughts and secrets. i’m sorry kassy she heard from the other side of the door. this is for the best. tears streaked her cheeks as her rage had her scream at him, vision blurred.

      “AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT WHAT’S BEST FOR ME? YOU DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT ME! YOU FORGOT ALL ABOUT ME. I WAS THERE FOR YOU. THROUGH EVERYTHING AND THEN YOU LEFT ME. YOU LEFT ME.” the last sentence was forced through a screaming sob as she slid down the door, fists weaker in their banging.

      “you could have been here.... but no, that piece of shit broke your heart and you still chose him over me. you left me for him and then you just.. left. ran away. forgot about me. and STILL I TRIED TO BE THERE FOR YOU AND YOU DIDN’T--” she gasped through a sob, “I HATE HIM. I HATE YOU. WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST STAY AWAY THEN? WHY COME BACK ONLY TO HATE EVERYONE AROUND ME WHO WERE HERE WHILE YOU WEREN’T?!” another weak pound was heard against the door.

     “i just wanted you to be happy.... i wanted to make you happy... i wanted to be happy...” another sob escaped her as she curled up against the door. “and you would leave for months and months and take it all away... i just needed to feel... i needed to feel something... the numbness... i..” she sniffled, wiping her face with her arm before slamming her shoulder against the door as the rage once again took lead over her anguish.

      “you’re a HYPOCRITE. YOU SPENT YEARS GOING TO THOSE UNDERGROUND CLUBS AND GETTING BEAT TO SHIT, NOT CARING ABOUT YOURSELF, NOT CARING THAT OTHER PEOPLE STILL CARED ABOUT YOU. FUCK YOU, YOU THINK YOU HAVE ANY MORAL GROUND TO STAND ON? WHO ARE YOU TO KNOW WHAT’S BEST FOR ME WHEN YOU DIDN’T LET ME DO A DAMN THING FOR YOU!? WHY DON’T I JUST LEAVE AND AVOID YOU SO I CAN PRETEND THAT YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING. WHY NOT LET ME DO THAT? THAT’S WHAT YOU’VE BEEN DOING SINCE YOU FUCKING GRADUATED.”

     at this point kassy was near hyperventilating, pushing herself to her feet as she grabbed whatever she could to throw at the door. first it was a book, then a decoration. “YOU’RE THE MOST SELFISH PERSON I’VE EVER MET.” she screamed as she took the lamp, yanking the plug from the wall before it shattered against the door. 

        “YOU’RE A SELFISH BASTARD SEBASTIAN ANTHONY MORROW!!”

[thewholecrew]

@deathvisited said: “  i’d cut my heart out and place it in your hands if it would prove my devotion to you.  ”  seb to Kassy

sad dark eyes shimmered as kassy looked at him with an unwavering gaze. when she looked at him she saw all of him, saw the bright and exuberant child he was, saw the devestation that took over him through his teens, saw the strong and lovable man he turned into during college. she sees it all behind the face he wears today. he's aged as has she yet he's grown colder, sharper, tired as though he carries a heavy weight with him at all times. his expression is softer as it always is when he looks at her yet the pain is always there in those stormy eyes. she wishes she was strong enough to take that weight from him. but even if she was, he wouldn't let her.

he had closed himself off to her over the past little while and it hurt her. hurt her to know that he was in pain so great he couldn't bring himself to her for comfort, or that she would only cause the ache to grow unbarable because she could not help. she also hurt for herself, the forever gnawing feeling that she was not enough for him. that the wounds he held could not be healed by her touch, by her comfort and words this time. he would always be her first choice, the first person she would wish to turn to, to talk to, to be with. it was foolish to think that she would stay his number one forever. naive.

sebastian's heart had belonged to another and if he had not been hurt as deeply as he had she would have been happy for him. would have set her longing for what they had been like before aside in hopes that he would be given everything he had ever wanted and more. but that hadn't been the case and now she bled for him, the anger she felt for the man who stole his heart only to discard it so carelessly. she would never do that.

but as the last year had passed their relationship, it had changed, shifted, distanced -- but in a different way than simply space and time. she hadn't seen him much during college yet they had still been closer than they were now. there was a tension between them that broke her heart, like it pained him to be near her. in a sense she supposed she felt the same, being by him hurt if only because of the longing for how they'd been before, how he reminded her more now of the young boy who had hid from the world. on the outside he was here, he was present, yet it was a front to protect the wounded, heartbroken boy inside.

now he stood in front of her as the rain poured down on them, trying to amend for the time apart, for his time away, for the damage that had done. she didn't want him to cut his heart out, grant had done that already for him. she just wanted him to allow himself to heal, and for her to be by his side as he did. tears washed away with the rain as she took his hands in hers, shaking her head slowly.

"no, sebastian..." she said softly, dark gaze shimmering as they met those stormy ocean eyes. "i would never want that... i would never want you to harm yourself for me.. i love you. and i just miss you--" her throat closed at that, swallowing thickly as she brought both their hands to his heart. "all i want is for this to heal... and for you to allow me be by your side as it does... no matter how long it takes."