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totowlff · 10 months ago

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chapter 15 — family that i chose

➝ cassie discovers that pregnancy cravings suck

➝ word count: 2,6k

➝ warnings: none

➝ author’s note: if i wanna cry? yeah.

16 WEEKS The backbone and tiny muscles in your baby's back are gaining strength, so she can straighten out that head and neck even more. Thanks to those developing facial muscles, your baby is capable of making a few expressive frowns and squints, even at this early stage.

Cassie felt pathetic sitting inside of her car, nose red and eyes filling with tears, especially over something that would feel trivial a few months ago.

It all started over the summer, during her trip to Austria for the Grand Prix. Toto took her to a cafe in Vienna near his flat that served this specific type of pastry - almost like a cinnamon roll, but with chocolate filling instead. He said it was called schokoschnecken in German, but it was originally a Hungarian pastry called kakaós csiga. It meant the same thing in both languages - “chocolate snails”. She had one, and it was delicious, but it wasn’t something that she considered a highlight.

Well, until that week. Toto had traveled to Hungary, after all, it was another normal race week and that meant little time to talk to each other. They were able to conduct quick calls and messages about how she and the baby were doing, but Cassie felt strange every time she got off the phone.

It was as if the lack of Toto’s physical presence began to feel bigger with each day he spent away from her. Cassie even suspected it might be something related to her hormones, which she blamed on most things these days, including the way she felt uncomfortably bloated, had unpleasant heartburn, and was on a constant emotional rollercoaster. Deep down, she knew all of this was coming, and that she shouldn’t feel bad about it, but thinking about it just made her want to cry more.

She tried to calm herself down with some breathing exercises, letting her head fall back and gaze up at the roof of her car, but she was interrupted by her phone ringing. She glanced at the screen and realized who was calling, and took a moment to try and compose herself, wiping her cheeks before she answered.

— Hello, Cassie? — she heard Toto say. It sounded like he was smiling — How are you?

— Hi, Toto, I'm fine — Cassie said, cringing at the nasal quality to her voice — And you?

— Everything's fine here too, I'm coming back — he began, stopping after she sniffled once again — Are you crying?

— No, not at all…

— Yes, you are crying, I can tell by your voice. What happened?

— It's just — Cassie said, in a low voice — Remember the photo you sent me on Wednesday?

— The one with my breakfast at that cafe?

— Yeah.

— What about it?

— It's just that there was a plate with those… pastries I had in Vienna — she stammered, feeling her lower lip tremble — The chocolate rolls. The… chocolate snails, or whatever they were in German.

Cassie's voice broke, and she started sobbing again.

— Oh, my angel…

— I thought there wouldn't be any around here, so I bought some chocolate croissants at Sainsbury’s, but they were horrible. Then, I went to Waitrose and they didn't have anything like that, just cinnamon rolls. After that, I went to Pret and they only had ones with white chocolate — she continued, while tears ran down her face — And now I'm in front of a Danish bakery that one of the girls in marketing recommended to me, with an empty box of cinnamon rolls and in tears because I can’t find anything like it.

— Probably because it’s a Hungarian pastry — Toto murmured on the other end of the line.

— I remembered that it was like a cinnamon roll, so I thought that would be close enough to make these cravings go away — Cassie replied — And I feel like an idiot because I ate all these pastries for nothing and they’re probably not good for me, and the doctor said I’m supposed to be eating well so I don’t gain too much weight aside from the baby, but nothing else even sounds good right now…

— Cassandra…

— I even tried making them at home, but I didn’t let the dough rest long enough and all of the butter leaked out of them and they were really greasy and chewy — she continued, sobs punctuating her words and making fat tears fall into the empty box in her lap.

— My angel, listen to me — Toto interrupted her, his soft voice loosening the knot in her chest — Firstly, you shouldn't worry about getting fat. You are growing an entire human being and you have every right to eat whatever you want. I want you to worry about being well and happy, not about numbers on a scale.

She sniffled, looking at her belly, bulging under the blouse she was wearing.

— Are you sure? I feel so ugly…

— You could never be ugly, my angel — Toto replied, making her smile — You’re so gorgeous that you’re going to be the prettiest mama at the playground, the other parents won’t be able to take their eyes off of you.

Cassie giggled.

— Please, I’m not that…

— We’ll see about that, when you make a man faint because he saw the most gorgeous woman in the world holding the prettiest baby on the playground.

— What about the women that won’t be able to take their eyes off of the tall, handsome man with the charming accent pushing a stroller?

— We'll see, Cassie — he laughed — Now I need to go, okay?

Suddenly, her joy went out, like a candle that had just been blown out. The prospect of Toto hanging up was terrifying. Why did he make her feel this way? Why did the idea of not being able to talk to him for a while feel like her heart was being ripped out of her chest? Toto wasn’t her boyfriend, he was her boss and her daughter’s co-parent.

— Okay — Cassie mumbled.

— Don’t worry, Cassie. I’ll be back tomorrow, and I’ll come and check on you after I get back — the team principal said, just before the line went silent. She sighed as she stared at the screen as it went black. Cassie just wanted it to be the next evening.

A day later, the sound of the intercom put an end to Cassie's agony.

Jumping up from the sofa, she tapped the button on her intercom and let Toto in. She hovered uncomfortably by the door, trying to settle herself so that Toto wouldn’t see the way she was waiting for him. Hearing footsteps coming up the stairs, she opened the door for him. The smile that appeared on Cassie's face when she saw Toto was completely involuntary, but it turned into surprise when she saw that Toto was holding a pink pastry box.

— Toto?

— Ah, good evening, Cassie — he said, smiling. When he got close to her, Toto bent down to plant a cordial kiss on her cheek — Are you okay?

— Yeah — she stammered, as Toto stepped into her apartment and removed his shoes — What is this?

— What is what?

— This — Cassie said, pointing to the box he had just placed on the table in her entryway.

Toto smiled.

— Ah, someone called me yesterday saying she wanted to eat Hungarian chocolate rolls — he explained, opening the box almost theatrically, revealing a dozen glossy pastries, smothered in icing. Staring at the contents of the box, Cassie felt an inexplicable wave of heat expand through her chest.

— You got these for me? — she stammered, looking up at Toto.

— Of course, you said you wanted them, so I brought them to you.

— But, how? You said you were going straight from the circuit to the airport…

— I asked the catering staff to pack a box and leave it in my office after the race — he replied, anxiety written all over his expression — Aren't you going to try it?

— Can I? — Cassie asked, shyly.

— Of course, they are yours.

Taking one of the pastries, she took a careful bite, closing her eyes and letting out a long sigh. It was crispy on the outside and soft on the inside, the chocolate combining perfectly with the buttery layers of dough. As she chewed, Cassie couldn't help but be impressed by the texture and softness of it, even though they were probably a day old at that point.

When she opened her eyes again, she met Toto's attentive gaze.

— Good? — he asked, expectation clear on his face.

She nodded, taking another bite while he smiled with satisfaction at having accomplished his mission. However, as she chewed, Cassie noticed that his smile seemed almost mischievous.

— What? — she asked, mouth full of pastry.

— You’ve got something on your face — Toto replied, seeming to hold back a laugh.

Finding a bit of chocolate icing on the corner of her lips, Cassie wiped it off with her thumb, bringing it to her mouth and licking it off. However, that made Toto shake his head before taking a step forward. Silently, he brought his hand to the tip of her nose and gently rubbed her skin with his thumb.

Looking up at him, Cassie found warmth in Toto's brown eyes. It was as if he was standing in front of something precious, looking at someone who was truly important to him. And the feeling of being that person for him, of being relevant to the point where he brought a box of pastries directly from Hungary to satisfy her stupid pregnancy cravings, made her eyes fill with tears.

— Cassie? Are you okay?

— Yeah — she sniffed, running her fingers over her cheek — I’m okay, just...

Placing his hand over hers, concern was evident in Toto's eyes.

— Isn't that what you wanted?

— No… I mean, yes, it's what I wanted, just — Cassie's voice trailed off — It's really good. Better than I imagined.

The team principal smiled, his thumb stroking the back of her hand.

— I'm glad you like it, Cassie — Toto said — I was really upset after hearing you crying on the phone.

— I'm sorry about that — she said, looking down at the half-eaten pastry in her hand.

— No, there's no reason to apologize, my angel. I’ve read about the cravings pregnant women get and, like I said, I'm here for both of you — he assured, placing his other hand on her belly — And if our Ingrid wants chocolate snails, she'll have them, no matter what. I insist on that.

Staring into his eyes, Cassie could hear her own pulse in her ears, as well as a strange sensation in her abdomen. It was a kind of spasm, very different from the butterflies she used to feel when she was with Toto. When the feeling suddenly stopped, she realized what had happened.

And her eyes filled with tears again, this time, with joy.

— Cassie? — Toto asked softly.

Placing his hand in the exact spot on her belly, it only took a few seconds for the spasm to repeat itself. Toto looked down at her abdomen, seeming to process what had just happened.

— You felt that?

Toto looked up with wide eyes.

—That was…

— It's her — Cassie smiled, feeling — She's moving.

An incredulous laugh escaped his lips.

— Mein kleines Mädchen — Toto murmured, staring at Cassie's belly again, as if he could see Ingrid's little face through her skin. Then, he knelt in front of her— Dir gefielen die Süßigkeiten so gut, dass du dich entschieden hast, vorbeizukommen?

Feeling some strange impulse, Cassie brought her hand to the top of Toto’s head without thinking about it, stroking her fingers through his hair.

— Was für ein verspieltes kleines Mädchen du bist, Ingrid. Ich kann es kaum erwarten, Sie hier bei uns zu haben und unsere Tage in pure Freude zu verwandeln — he continued. After a new flutter, the two looked at each other, the tears in their eyes speaking much more than any words.

A few seconds later, he stood up and wrapped Cassie in a tight hug, pressing her head against his chest. The silence in the apartment's dining room carried a tranquility that was impossible to describe, at least in her view. With her eyes closed, she enjoyed the warmth of Toto's arms and his calm breathing, interrupted by the occasional sniffle.

This was the peace she had sought all her life.

— Thank you — Cassie whispered. The word made Toto pull away slightly to look at her, brushing a strand of hair away from her face.

— For what? — he questioned.

— For the pastries.

— You know it was the least I could do for you, right? — Toto said, a mischievous smile on his lips — I'm here to support you in everything, it's my commitment to you and Ingrid.

— And that's why I'm thanking you. For being by my side from the beginning, when Ingrid was just a dream of mine — she said — I don't think I'll ever be able to thank you enough for getting into this with me, despite all of the hassle, the appointments -

Cassie's voice cracked. It still felt a little surreal that they had made it, that they were actually going to have a daughter together. But the slight flutter in her belly was proof enough that there was a little girl growing inside Cassie.

— And I would do it all again.

— Would you?

— Yes — Toto said, nodding — I would go through all the exams, all the conversations, all the stages of our legal agreement, all the bureaucratic procedures...

— Even the night we conceived her?

The silence that followed after Cassie's question was different from the one that had enveloped their embrace. Toto stared at her with an unreadable expression, as if he was thinking about what he would say to her.

— Well, yes — he replied, then added — Especially considering we wouldn't have Ingrid here if it weren't for what happened that night. Furthermore, if it hadn't happened, we would probably have had to continue with the insemination process and we would have run the risk of new failures, new frustrations...

Disappointment grew within Cassie as Toto continued babbling about how the process of continuing to try to have a baby artificially would probably have worn them both out. She knew that question had been risky, especially considering the particularly unknown territory they were exploring together.

However, there was a part of Cassie that wished Toto had responded that she would get through this because he liked her and wanted to take the next step, but those hopes were being dashed as he talked.

“How am I going to be happy like this, Toto?”, she thought, while he kissed her forehead again.

— Now I need to go, I have some things to organize at home and some emails to answer — he said, taking a step back.

— Are you sure? — Cassie stammered — I can make us something to eat, or we could order something...

— I don't want to keep you any more busy than necessary, and besides, you need to rest. You’re at the office tomorrow, right?

— Yes, I am — she murmured, almost disinterested — Getting things ready for the summer shutdown.

— Do you have any plans? — Toto asked, his hand still resting on the side of her belly.

— Well, I'm thinking about going to see my aunt in Chichester...

— Ah, Simone, right? — he smiled, confident that he had gotten it right.

— It's Sybil, Toto — Cassie laughed — And yes, that’s the one. She’s the only family I really talk to, aside from my sister. I don't even know where Aunt Penelope lives and you know that my father's family was never very affectionate with me, so it doesn't make sense to talk to them.

Toto’s gaze softened.

— They have no idea what they're missing.

— A real nuisance, my grandfather Albert would say.

— An extraordinary woman — he corrected her, before approaching and placing a kiss on her forehead again, accompanied by a hug — I’ll see you tomorrow?

— As always — Cassie replied, forcing a smile.

— Perfect — Toto said, before bending down slightly — Wir sehen uns auch morgen, okay? Ich liebe dich, mein kleines Mädchen.

Cassie walked him out of the apartment, and he hugged her again. As she closed the door, she spent a few seconds in silence, his warmth still present in the places where he had touched her body so tenderly. Placing her hands on her own belly, she tried to replicate the way he caressed her, feeling the first movements of their daughter, the child who would bond them forever.

The constant reminder that she was too difficult to love.

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