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#just trapped in the same miserable cycle
naamahdarling · 2 months
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complicit-rot · 3 months
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i haven't been this social & talkative in Years someone drag me out back
#rambling to myself in the tags just go ahead n pass by 🫡#u've been warned#i can feel the burnout(?) creeping up on me & its been. two days.#at least my friend is reassured i'm still in their life every few months 👍#even if i end up hating being dragged out places i know a little relief feels like a lot to other ppl#but i also just. hate being involved at all. esp if its pity but also when they genuinely want to talk with me. which sucks!#i hate thinking like that. however it just feels like the most logical path sometimes yk? after (gestures vaguely) everything?#i'm childishly obsessed with the aspect of destruction. me or them carrying it out it doesn't matter#any sort of socializing feels like grinding stone together whether or not their intentions seem as pure as possible#it feels like my socializing button is broken and my battery is locked at 2% 24/7#its not that i actively try to keep myself locked in self serving cycles to stay pitiful lord knows i hate being pathetic#i despise being miserable. it may not be Everything i know. it may be comfortable or familiar or whatever edgy shit#but it takes so much energy to have any emotion. i feel like i wrung myself dry in elementary school#ultimately i know i'm capable of Having Emotions. they're just all buried beneath 78 layers of static that don't seem to be there for other#i try to be social. even when i know Deep down i like them i end up hating every interaction. no matter how smooth or funny or whatever#i seem to have this blanket that makes everything heavier on me. i don't like being weighed down but sometimes i have to comply else#i know i'll just fucking crash out for the next however many years & end up being more hurt than i began with#<- metaphor doesn't make sense bc i ditched it half way thru but you get the point#be social to the complete detriment to my health & appease others or hurt other ppl (something i don't like doing bc i know how it feels) &#end up ''''saving'''' myself (trapping myself further. lose/lose). i wish i was completely exempt to people paying attention to me#i Hate wallowing in this fucking pity. this whole woe is me evvybody huwt me so now i feel nudding :( schtick makes me feel so weak#i like feeling strong by socializing. sometimes i get this litttlee inkling of maybe i should try & put myself out there More but it always#comes with the same results. one of these days surely it'll change (<- bearer of the curse) (<- but still has hope despite denying it)#yes i'm in therapy yes i'm working on my social capacity slowly instead of getting my boundaries ran over at top notch speed by my abusers#sometimes i need to say the self pitying shit out loud to knock me to my senses & be like 'if a friend said this i'd criticize them'#'if anybody else thought that you'd cringe so hard and be filled with That Specific Misery you feel & hate so much' ohhh right. my bad
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vampirebiter · 1 year
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everyone around me making me go Fucking Insane and i am About To Fucking Snap
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metranart · 4 months
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Acting like a bird in heat, Hawks ends up fulfilling his mating cycles with you… but now that his mind isn’t a pool of hormones… why does he keep looking for you?
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Hawks x Student! Reader (Part 1)
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Warning tag: obsessed! Hawks, possessive! Hawks, naive! student reader, violation of trust, dubious consent, mating cycles, rut response, obsessive behavior, uncontrollable thirst for reader, manipulation, forced, thigh riding, hormonal minds out of control, sexual content, first time, cock riding, teenage fuck, Dabi's toxically interested in you, Bakugo bestie yet secretly inlove wit you, love confessions, cock-drunk, Hawks trying to be good but failing miserably, gaslighting, HEAVY plot, lots of smut.
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The last time you saw him, your fingers dripped in his milky and creamy essence, his cheeks were bright red, and foggy as the feather adorning his back, and his voice held an elusive pant as if trying to catch his breath, along with his actions. Self-consciousness, the new mask for him to wear as he disentangled your hand from his now flaccid cock, almost caringly, half-lidded golden orbs shinning in its post-delirium bliss yet hiding a regretful truth. How the fuck did this happened? And why the hell did he allowed it? What was that new confusing feeling inside his chest?Takami Keigo knew what it was, but had never had such a close encounter with it in his whole life. 
Shame. 
No man, no citizen, no hero... –shall call himself trustworthy, after what he did. After the kind of thoughts that now circled his brain...agh! and he called himself the Number two hero. What a farse.
A steady hand passed through his golden locks, disheveled strands restricting the smooth motion, as he heavily sighed. 
I need a bath, thought mildly annoyed. Maybe that would serve him to clear his mind and untangle the treacherous feeling threatening to drive him insane, a cold shower would serve the purpose of cooling the deep mortification, he was experiencing. Fresh summer wind ruffled the papers scattered on top of his desk and at the same time, refreshed his blushing skin. The memory of his recent untactful sin, raving his brain like a horde of savages attacking a peaceful village. Damn his luck. Damn his choice of actions and must of all, damned the day, he saved you. Hawks could still remember so many details, little yet so endearing details about you. When arrived at the scene never thought for a minute, would become involved in such colorful acts.
Everything went peachy during the rescue; Endeavor handled the Villain with upmost care while incinerating his head right away from his body. Tactful, the winged hero recalled to think quite amused, it would have been a scarring scene, if not were for the villain being a Nomus. Yet, he couldn’t avoid but to think, there still were so many more options to reach the same end. His job in this particular scene was easy, to say the least. Save the hostage. A sweet, scared and highly ordinary young girl who found herself trapped in the crossed fire. UA uniform hugging your figure, as the Nomus paraded itself around you like a bee setting his sting to hurt. There was little time to act, and the moment the flames exploded from the Number one hero, Hawks saw his window open to save the deceptive young girl. Flying through hell fire landed with a soft thud in front of you, displaying his wings to envelop you in a cocoon of feathers, the red flames licking his crimson wings while shielding you from harm.
His gloved hands went straight to your waist in a studied motion, at the same time his gaze fixed in yours asking for permission to touch you, you almost threw yourself at him like a trembling leaf who seek shelter from the chaotic winds. The winged hero was quick enough to pull you into his welcome arms and fly up, taking you both from the ground just in time. The scorching heat caressed his flying form before both were out of reach. The crowd around the sinister cheered the incineration of the villain, and a swift smirk kidnapped the blonde’s lips in a sassy gest.
He knew he have it in him, Endeavor just needed a few notches in the right direction. All those musings were curtly interrupted as his eyes focused on the civilian resting in his arms, your round eyes caught him off guard, nevertheless, was quick to smile and reassure your questioning stare. You seemed in shock, probable still were. These nasty things never left a sweet taste behind. Flying you to the safety of the ground, landed near the scene, but far away to gift you with some privacy to compose. Hawks gently unwrapped you from his chest and placed a comforting hand over your hunched shoulders, reassuring smile always present in his welcome expression. "It´s ok, you are safe now." His palm gently squeezed your shoulder, thumb doing comforting circle motions over the fabric of the uniform. "Breath, in and out, you'll see how you feel better in matter of seconds–" You managed to quirk the edge of your lip up, and your frame stopped shaking, the tremors slowly disappearing the more oxygen you gulped. "Atta girl" The hero cheered, lowly. "In and out, you’re almost a pro." His good-hearted joke reaped the fruits as a melodic giggle escaped out of you, and your tense frame seemed to relax. "T-thank you, Hawks" you timidly stammered, eyes glued to your fidgeting fingers interlacing each other, nervously.
Looking up from your hands met his gleeful stare, and your cheeks gained a dust of pink. Your lips opened and closed as if wanted to say something but didn’t dare to. Hawks pretended no to notice, to save you the embarrassment. 
He was used to have this effect over the female population, every woman in town was one smirk away from his warm bed, but the young hero had grown tired of those kinds of relationships. When you can have all, you can eat, eventually the buffet seemed less attractive, almost boring.
He liked sex, holly shit, he fucking did! as much as the next guy would. But he needed a challenge –   actually wasn’t sure what he needed, but something inside him was unsatisfied and restless, continuingly poking at the back of his mind.
“Don’t mention it, cutie.” The hero said simply and looking around, realized that your home shouldn't be far away.
“If you want, I can take you to your house" he suggested, in a carefree and friendly tone, "flying everything is closer." Cheerfully, added.
Taking a moment to think, nibble your lower lip a bit but you ended up accepting. His amber glasses shone under the rays of the sun and without preamble, he offered you his arms which you nervously climb for him to leave the safety of the ground and surf the sky, again.
"Are you comfortable?” Keigo asked, feeling your body a little tense among his arms, being carried bride style across the sky would definitely woo any girl, nevertheless, you seem more uncomfortable than anything else. 
“M´Ok.” you said, curtly, and hawks, merely nodded. “By the way, are we heading in the right direction?"
A blush swept across your cheeks at the realization of what he just stated, and timidly squeezing his arm to feel more secure, you glanced down and before you could tell him exactly where your house was, you noticed something coating your fingers.
“You are hurt!” You half-yelled worried, looking at your blood covered hand, and then, at his wounds. You had not noticed it because he had not said anything, nor had he complained, but his arm was burned and one of his wings was semi-scorched. To which the young hero, just shrugged his shoulders, not giving it much importance.
"Comes with the territory." He openly joked, but your eyebrows continued to frown. "It's not serious, a few of Endevour´s flames got me... nothing that won't heal in a few days." He encouraged you, but you weren't able to shake the feeling of guilt.
You had been training hard to become a hero, and just when it was time to prove yourself, you froze.
It was so, so embarrassing that Todoroki's father had to save you, that you refused to go back to the dormitory you shared with your class A classmates. Surely, they would be worried, not to mention, you had already ghosted, a few text messages from Professor Aizawa asking if you were okay. But you just kept feeling like you let everyone down. That was why you preferred to go home and cry your eyes out in the solitude of your bedroom, or among your mom’s arms. 
Now, you felt even worse, since Hawks, the number two hero, was injured because of you. Maybe he didn't show it since he was too professional, but that wound was serious and would take more than a few days to heal, not to mention it could get infected.
Ugh! you had to help him, was the least you could do… It was what a true hero would do.
Setting your mind, you decided to use your quirk on him, despite Recovery Girl several warnings. Without a doubt, you could heal him... now the only setback was, not losing control while doing it.
An idea suddenly lights your brain, and catching a glimpse of a well-known hidden alleyway, near your house, you signaled to him that you had arrived.
Hawks landed softly, and let you down, looking around the place. "I'll take you to the door, which one is yours?" The young hero, offered.
“...Is the one on the other side of the alley.” You indicated, signaling a house, close by.
“Oh, fine.” Keigo said, not really understanding why you choose to walk instead of fly straight to your house, but he let it pass. “Lead the way, then.”
Both entered the alley which was being embraced by thin shadows and before you reached the other side, you turned around and looking at Hawks with embarrassment, you fidgeted with your fingers for a moment. Surprise morphed Keigo´s features comically when out of all the requests in the world, you suddenly asked. 
“May-may I give you a kiss?” You asked, timidly and noticing his bemused expression, corrected. “...As a way of thanking you.... for saving me....”
Your timid request took him by surprise momentarily, but soon his features regain his cool, and was quick to nod to then leant down. A kiss on the cheek, Keigo thought it to be innocent enough, not a usual request, nevertheless, a simple one. If this put you to rest, he'll humor you. Keigo was cocking his head for you to place your sweet lips.... it's now or never, you breathed deeply.... if you were going to use your quirk, now was the moment.
Two slender hands perched in each side of the Hero´s face and in a firm, straight movement, you cocked his face in your direction, surprise registered in his face, and his golden orbs popped open at the feeling of your lips locking with his.    
COMING SOON PART 2....
⭕️ In my PATREON you will find NSFW art of this chapter and more spicy MHA NSFW art and exclusive smut fanfiction.... Plus 'Spicy Foreplay tier reward' like: voting poll privilege for the exclusively Patreon one-shot stories where you can choose the couple pairing and kinky mood for the story and NSFW art, along with some naughty animation like THIS ONE ....and my eternal and vast gratitude for your support!!!
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xenyasplacex · 4 months
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Baby Trapped — Prologue
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Chris Sturniolo x Fem!OC
Summary: Chris is in a toxic relationship and the only thing keeping him there is his daughter.
warning- Toxic relationship, Miserable Chris, Shouting, Abuse, Physical Abuse
A/N : Hey guys, this is the prologue to my new series, lmk if you guys enjoyed it x
I DO NOT GIVE PERMISSION FOR MY WORK TO BE STOLEN, REPOSTED OR TRANSLATED
IN THIS STORY THE TRIPLETS ARE 24 YEARS OLD
Nick woke up with start when he heard his bedroom door slam. He quickly turned on his bedside lamp as saw Chris stood taking off his slippers.
“What are you doing Chris it’s 2am!” Nick whisper yelled at his younger brother. Chris didn’t say a word he simply walked over to Nicks bed and layed next to him.
it was only now that Nick could properly see him. He had obvious tears in his eyes and a slight bruise starting to form under his eyes.
“Chris? What happened, what’s going on, what happened to your eye?” Nick rambled, clearly worried for his brother.
“It’s nothing Nick go to bed” Chris whispered as he layed his head on the pillow and closed his eyes.
“What the hell do you mean don’t worry, did Aaliyah do something? And where’s Adriana? and what the hell happened, why is there a bruise under you e-“
“Nick!” Chris shouted angrily, cutting his brother off. “I’m sorry for yelling,” Chris whispered back a few seconds later, “Aaliyah didn’t do anything okay, Adriana fell asleep in Matts room and nobody wanted to wake her up and i just… i fell okay? Now can we go to bed?” Chris rambled playing with the ends of the pillow.
“Yeah, of course i’m sorry” Nick replied quietly before turning of the low lamp. “Good night Chris.”
Chris didn’t reply, ages went by and Nick thought Chris had fallen asleep until he felt Chris move his arm around himself and felt his younger brother cuddle up to his side. Nick brought Chris in closer and wrapped both arms around him as if to protect him. With that Chris let out a content sigh.
“Good night Nicky.”
Nick was barely awake when he tumbled out of bed for a glass of water the next morning.
“i’m so sorry, i’m sorry,” Nick heard Aaliyah, Chris’ wife, say over and over again between kisses as he walked downstairs.
He took a quick look into the kitchen where he saw the Aaliyah kissing Chris all over saying how sorry she was while Chris stood there, not reciprocating the affecting but not pushing her away either.
“Whats she so sorry about?” A voice asked behind Nick making him jump a little.
“You scared me! And i have no idea, all i know is Chris came into my room crying last night and almost blew up on me when i asked if Aaliyah had done something.” Nick replied turning back to look at his sister in law who was now pressing long and hard kisses to his brother’s lips.
Nick simply gave Matt a look before going upstairs to look for his niece. 
This was a cycle. Aaliyah would do something, Chris would get extremely upset and then the next day she would be all over him, apologising and everything. They had all had enough of it but Chris couldn’t let go. Not when he had a daughter with this woman and she knew enough to destroy their career and so the same thing kept happening over and over again.
Until it ended.
HOW I IMAGINE EACH CHARACTER
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Adriana Sturniolo
The Child
4 years old
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Aaliyah Sturniolo
The Wife
23 Years Old
NOT PROOF READ
Next chapter
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the-violet-galaxy · 2 months
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Sun in my Killswap AU! A Swap AU that explores the canon TSAMS storyline if Sun had the Killcode instead of Moon.  
The Killcode behaves a little differently, so here’s a rundown:
Most of the time, Sun was perfectly safe to be around. The Killcode only took effect in response to certain triggers happening to Sun: the primary trigger, and the emotional heart of this AU, is a response to him being mistreated or abused -- by anyone, but especially by Moon. The Killcode would trigger when Sun reached a certain threshold of negative feelings like anger, helplessness, or pain (which Moon dealt out in spades when he was stuck without his own body.) It didn’t happen every time; Sun had to be pushed far before it would take effect. But when he was pushed to a limit, that’s when the Killcode kicked in. In this AU, it is a symbol for “taking revenge against those who have hurt you,” which is a mentality Sun desperately fights against, fighting against stooping to that level or continuing the cycle, but the Killcode is like a switch that flips and his personality changes. He fears his own negative emotions because of this, even after seemingly getting rid of the code.
Sun does not want to be a violent or vengeful person, and does not want to hurt or kill anyone, but he feels negative emotions just like anyone else – and the Killcode reacts to those emotions. A truly unfair situation.
(The Killcode’s second primary trigger is when someone breaks the rules too much, which is “disrupting order” – Sun's dedication to the rules, cleaning up messes, and organization taken to the extreme, and also Creator's secret intention for making Sun this way.)
Sun sometimes got stuck in this Killcode-influenced state, and would only turn back to normal when the lights shut off and Moon came out, which was like flipping the switch back on Sun’s personality and he would come back to himself.
When Sun and Moon decided to separate, Sun wanted to get rid of his Killcode and snuck it through the transfer process into Moon’s new body. And thus Eclipse manifested inside Moon… That fragment of Sun, trapped and tormented inside the chaotic mind of the one who had abused him.
And that’s the foundation for Killswap Sun! From that familiar starting point with the three main leads (the twins and Eclipse), things branch out and there are a lot of new things:
How Moon’s abuse of Sun gets dealt with differently in this AU, how it factors into MOON’S overall arc too;
Sun’s relationship with Eclipse, where HE’S the one who inadvertently created him; Sun feels guilty over realizing he abandoned Eclipse to a miserable situation, but then, he also hates him when he becomes their primary villain;
When Solar is implanted by Eclipse into Sun’s head, and how Sun interacts with this new person who is in the same position Moon was ages ago.
How Sun reacts when the Sun-variant Killcode regenerates and evolves to gain sentience, and how he deals with this.
Sun learns Eclipse had created TWO MORE MURDEROUS AIS inside of Moon that Sun can blame himself over: Blacksun, the Burn Twins.
I’m having fun with this AU and would love to start writing or drawing it out.
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thewebcomicsreview · 2 months
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Hate to tell you this, but the HSBC update just got updated.
I get that they wanted to keep the Hell Arc confined to page 666, and it'll make the archival experience pretty cool, but hard refreshing the site didn't let me see the update to the page due to cache bullshit, I had to use a different browser. So let's liveblog now before it breaks again:
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Looks like we're back to Tavros. I guess it makes sense that the first path to update would the one where they could reuse the talksprites.
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So, as directly stated by Davepeta, Vriska is trapped in a time loop, where Tavros doesn't remember anything that happened the previous day, just like in the movie Groundhog Day. That Davepeta called out the movie explicitly in-universe as the reference makes me wonder if events will follow the rough plot of that movie. It's clearly what Davepeta wants to happen, but...Vriska....
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Anyway, Vriska offers to let Tavros decide what to do today, for the first time. It took two whole years for her to try that, but she is the Thief of Light and not letting anyone else decide what to do is literally her cosmic role and stuff, so I guess that tracks. And what Tavros wants to do is....play a game.
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Last update I said that Vriska saying she's done some things wrong while shrugging and laughing is the ultimate distillation of Vriska, but her having won everything and being miserable about it is also the ultimate distillation of Vriska. She's a woman of contrasts, that Vriskers.
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The use of the phrase "session" here outs this line as having Deeper Meanings. Having SBURB sessions over and over so we can play forever is literally Dirk's plan, and most of the fandom is assuming a Candy session is coming.
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So, even though they're talking about playing FLARP (the troll DnD game, which is apparently PvP), this is also an argument over whether or not Homestuck should continue. You can't really "win" if the game keeps going, but that doesn't mean you're stuck doing the same thing over and over.
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I know Vriska is Problematique, but I'm still taken aback by her 2000s kid usage of "gay" as a general-purpose insult, and not just because trolls don't have a concept of "straight" or "gay". Apparently she doesn't even know what it means and learned the word from Da-
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Oh, it was just to set up this line for people to screenshot. Alright. Fine.
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brb, gotta go post this in the hard to use reaction images channel on the discord and have someone complain it's easy to use.
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Tavros accuses Vriska of projecting her own fears onto him, and then gets into a tangent about being a "soft" female fairy and Vriska takes him up on playing this new "game for girls" and he panics and changes the subject. There's a...lot....going on there.
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Vriska starts to have an actual breakthrough, when suddenly Aradiabot appears. Wait, is this where Aradia and Ult!Dave went?
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We fade to black and I thought that was it, but apparently not. This being a visual novel makes it feel like a much bigger update than it is, and also kind of makes you read each line a bit more carefully. It's a good way of having multiple meaty (or, um, candy-y) updates in a short stretch of time, and that's kind of an important part of the "feel" of Homestuck that no one can really replicate.
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Oh, I do not care for this talksprite.
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The downside of this format is that it's harder to liveblog, I think, but basically Aradia is complaining about the Vriska Cycle of "Do bad thing, self-flagellate to be redeemed, repeat".
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Vriska justifies it because she has to take action and set people straight and stuff, and if this conversation/game isn't leading to the return of "(Vriska)", the OG timeline Vriska who died and got a ton of character growth before post-retcon Vriska stole her girlfriend, then what is it building towards?
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A lot of these lines make good single-panel memes. Yes, Vriska, you are the problem in nearly every situation, even (especially) when you're also the solution.
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Aradia sa- oh for fuck's sake this is unreadable, guys. Anyway she says that getting into a routine leads to stagnation and slow death, which, mood, but also is about Homestuck itself as much as it is about Vriska.
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Jesus Christ, how long is this update? This page is a full on Pesterquest game when the other five routes are finished.
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Oh, okay. That's it. Vriska levels and we get a bunch of fire-themed pun ranks for her, of which Skinner's Bane is the best
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Midnight Rain
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Prompt -  'He wanted it comfortable, I wanted that pain. He wanted a bride, I was making my own name.'
The only thing that seemed to matter to your family was blood purity. They wanted to be seen as the perfect purebloods, the ones who were rich and well off, never wanting for anything. To the whole world you seemed like a picture perfect family, yet as it always went behind closed doors you were anything but.
You hated your family, hated that they didn’t care for anything other than how they were perceived by the world. You hated growing up without love or affection, hated being left with nannies and house elves as your only company, hated that the only time your family could smile around each other was when you attended the fancy balls thrown by the other pureblood families or the meals hosted at your own manor in an attempt to outdo the last event. 
You hated your town, the fancy place that was hidden far away from ‘filthy muggles and tainted blood’, hated how you felt caged in, trapped in a place others would kill to live. You despised that you were only allowed to associate yourself with purebloods.
Your family had long had your engagement planned, you were always to be married to a Black. It had always meant to be a union with the first born Black but your parents had refused to let you wed the boy who went against everything they believed in and instead you were to be married to the younger Black.
It wasn’t like you didn’t like Regulus. He was a nice enough boy but he was much too willing to oblige his family’s every wish, another pureblood wanting to look good for the sake of public appearance even if it meant a life without happiness, a life where your love was fake and you would both be miserable.
Sirius on the other hand, he was somebody you could get along with, somebody you could picture being in your life whilst being happy. The two of you weren’t allowed to associate with each other, your family had forbidden it once they saw you getting close with the older Black. Sirius had seemed to take that as a personal challenge and got you alone every moment he could at parties you were both forced to attend.
It had led to many arguments between you and your parents.
This had been an ongoing battle for years now, a challenge Sirius had been winning at since before you went to Hogwarts. It was there that you thought you would have more freedom, freedom to socialise with people outside of the regular purebloods, freedom to talk to Sirius whenever you wanted.
What you didn’t account for was the other Slytherin reporting your every move back to your parents and them knowing exactly who you were talking to. Their threats had been enough to isolate you from everyone in your first year at Hogwarts, even despite Sirius’ attempts to sneak you away you pulled back from everybody.
That was the way though, that was the way your life was always going to be spent. You would always be alone even if you had a husband at your side and an heir to leave everything to, an heir who would continue the cycle of living for appearances rather than happiness.
Then Regulus came to Hogwarts the next year.
The two of you were forced together at every instance and eventually it just became second nature to gravitate towards each other. Spending so much time around a person created a bond between the two of you and you did consider him a friend but that was all.
Years passed by in the same repetitive cycle, you and Regulus got closer as time passed and eventually it wasn’t such a chore to be in his company. You spent plenty of summers at the Black house and him at yours, parties, balls, lunches all to be attended together.
You had to admit though, if only to yourself, that you missed Sirius dearly.
As you entered into your third year of Hogwarts it seemed Sirius had given up his own challenge of getting you to pull away from your family’s ideals, clearly having given up on you. 
Some days you thought he was right to have given up. Some days you forgot that there was more to life than what you had, some days you let yourself fall into the trap of familiarity. Regulus made it easy to forget that this wasn’t what you wanted. 
You could admit you loved him, you knew he loved you too but you just loved each other differently. He had fallen for you, what had started as a relationship arranged before his birth had turned into something real, he wanted to marry you, to make you his bride and provide for you.
You loved Regulus dearly. He was your best friend and part of you wished you could love him more. It would be so much easier if you did. Regulus was beautiful, he was intelligent and he cared so much. He was perfect and he too deserved better than some forced marriage that neither of you had chosen for yourselves.
Maybe if things had been different, maybe if you and Regulus hadn’t been shoved together without a say, then maybe you could have fallen in love with him but that wasn’t how this story played out. 
It didn’t help that no matter how much time had passed your thoughts never quite managed to stray away from Sirius. You had always wondered what might have happened between the two of you if you hadn’t been forced to stay away from him. 
Even now years down the line, the two of you in your sixth year of Hogwarts, your eyes still wandered over to the Gryffindor table, having to fight back a smile when you saw his eyes were already watching you. Sometimes he smiled at you, sometimes he’d grin or smirk, sometimes he threw a wink your way and other times he looked sad and you felt that sadness deep in your own bones. 
With Sirius there was always the lingering question, deep down both of you were always thinking of the what if’s, the what could have been. Some days you felt like you could drown in sadness and the questions that would forever remain unanswered.
“They’re planning the wedding.” Regulus told you one morning as you sat next to him in the Great Hall, barely awake but his words had your eyes widening.
“They can’t do that, they told us it wasn't to happen until after we left here.” You said with a frown, eyebrows knitting together as you turned to look at him properly. 
“Mother sent me a letter this morning, I’m sure you’ll get one too. Apparently something is happening, you know there has been a political shift lately and Mother and Father have been involved in something more but I don’t know much about it yet. I just know that we are to be married by the end of the year.” Regulus explained and you had to force yourself to swallow around the sudden lump in your throat.
You turned away from Regulus, shifting in your seat so you were looking ahead and busied yourself with pouring a drink before your eyes locked onto the other Black across the room. He was already looking at you, no smirk or sadness but this time with concern. His eyes were wide as he tilted his head to the side, silently asking if you were ok and you couldn’t deal with that right now, Sirius’ concern might just be the thing to push you over the edge.
“The end of the year?” You finally asked, looking away from Sirius as Regulus nodded.
“It’s not so bad, right?” He asked hesitantly and you forced yourself not to grimace but there was a stinging in your eyes you desperately tried to push down. “I know this was planned by our parents but you know I will take care of you, don’t you?”
You gave him a tight lipped smile as you nodded, forcing yourself not to cry. Regulus was right, it wasn’t so bad, it could be much worse, you could be being forced to marry a person who didn’t care for you, one who would use you for an heir before tossing you aside. At least you and Regulus had the luxury of being friends.
And yet that thought didn’t comfort you, if anything it made your heart ache more. 
“No it’s not bad, Regulus.” You told him as evenly as you could manage and it seemed to work as he relaxed slightly in his seat. “Sorry it just came as a shock to me.”
“I understand,” Regulus told you with a soft smile, his hand resting over yours on the table. “It’ll be fine though, we’ll marry and everything will be easier.”
You smiled at him again, turning your hand in his and giving it a gentle squeeze before pulling away. 
“I know,” You said before standing, needing to be alone, “I forgot to pick up my charm’s homework. I’ll see you in class.”
You didn’t rush out of the room, there were too many eyes watching your reaction so you walked out at your normal pace, head held high and a neutral expression on your face. It wasn’t until you were out of the Great Hall that you picked up the pace and quickly made your way out of the castle.
It didn’t take you long to find an empty spot near the lake, it was still early and the autumn chill was keeping most people inside. 
You were glad for the emptiness as you sat down on the ground, tears trying to make their way down your face but you refused to let them fall. You did love Regulus, he truly was your best friend but you weren’t like him, no matter how hard you tried to make yourself be, no matter how hard you told yourself you could marry him and be content.
Regulus wanted to please his parents, he wanted the comfortable life of doing as he was told. You didn’t want that, you didn’t want to marry somebody who didn’t love you, somebody who only wanted you for appearance’s sake. You wanted the hard work a real relationship took, you wanted the pain and the tears and the overwhelming happiness that came with truly being in love. 
Regulus wanted a bride that would give him a child and make the Black family look good, he expected you to stay home, to raise a child and gossip with the other pureblood ladies and host parties and teas. You didn’t want that, you wanted to make a name for yourself, you wanted a job and you wanted to work hard and achieve your goals, goals that didn’t involve staying at home all day.
You wanted more than what life was offering you but you didn’t know how to get out of the place you were stuck.
“Hey.” A voice called out to you softly causing you to jump before you turned your head.
Sirius stood a few steps behind you, a small, sympathetic smile on his face as he nodded to the space next to you. 
It wasn’t as though you and Sirius had completely cut each other off in the years since you were forbidden from talking to each other but it had been much too long since you had been able to properly have a real conversation, one that lasted longer than the five minutes you could steal before you were caught and it was reported back to both the Black’s and your parents. 
“What happened?” He asked, keeping his voice quiet, after sitting down next to you, so close you could feel his arm against yours.
“Me and Regulus are getting married.” You told him, matching the softness of his voice.
“Well yeah,” Sirius chuckled and you could feel his arm moving as he laughed, “we all knew that was happening.” 
“We’re getting married before the year is over.” You clarified and watched from the corner of your eye as he tensed up and looked at you in shock.
“They can’t do that!” He protested but both of you knew that both of your parents could do whatever they wanted so you could do nothing but shrug. 
“Y/N,” he began but cut himself off with a sigh. You didn’t say anything because what was there to say? You didn’t know how you could change what was to happen, you knew you’d give anything to not be forced into this marriage no matter how much you cared for Regulus but you didn’t know how to leave.
The second you left you knew you’d be cut off from everything, you’d had no money, no access to the vaults, no access to any of your properties. You’d be completely alone.
“Tell me what you want me to do.” Sirius finally pleaded and you smiled sadly as you turned to look at him, his own expression showing you how desperately he wanted to help. “Tell me what you want to do.”
“I want to leave.” You finally confessed out loud for the first time, a wet chuckle escaping you as the tears you had desperately fought back made their way back to your eyes. “I want to leave them all behind. I love Regulus, he’s my best friend but I don’t want to marry him, Sirius! I don’t want to be married for appearances and heirs, I want to marry somebody I love, I want to be free to make my own decisions and not have to have my parents controlling every part of my life.”
You were crying by the end of your speech, tears you’d been holding in for years finally flowed freely down your cheeks and you could do nothing to stop them, could only sob as you realised there was no way out of this for you.
Sirius had no words either, he could do nothing but pull you into his arms, an action that made you sob even harder because this was all you had wanted for so long, you couldn’t remember the last time Sirius hugged you. When you were younger Sirius used to hug you close all the time, the two of you held hands and bent your heads together and now you weren’t even allowed to talk to one another.
Yet another thing your parents controlled.
“You don’t have to marry him.” Sirius whispered into your hair, shushing you as you let out a scoff that turned into a sob. “I mean it, you don’t have to marry him if you don’t want to. I’ll talk to James and see if Mr and Mrs Potter can help us out but you’re not marrying him, Y/N/N, you deserve better than the life of a pureblood wife.”
His words made you cry harder and you don’t know just how long the two of you sat alone by the lake, just holding each other as tears flooded your cheeks as some stung at Sirius’ own eyes but he refused to let them fall as he focused on you, whispering whatever words came to mind as he brushed his hand against your arm.  
Eventually you pulled back from him and went to lift your hands in an attempt to wipe the tears from your face but Sirius beat you to it, his hands coming to rest on your cheeks as his thumbs gently brushed your tears away.
“I’ll find you a way out of this,” Sirius told you as he rested his forehead against yours and you let yourself relax into the touch. “I promise.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Sirius.” You murmured softly, a sad smile spreading across your face as you lifted one of your hands to rest against his. “We both know this is the way it’s going to be.”
“I got out, I’ll get you out too.” He promised again and your smile widened a small bit as you nodded. “I don’t want you to marry him.”
“I love Regulus but he is ready to throw his whole life away and pretend he’s happy to please everyone…I can’t do that Sirius, I thought I could but I can’t.” You told him as he brushed his thumb against your cheek softly.
“We’ll figure something out, love.” He told you softly and you could stop the rush of warmth that seemed to run through you at the pet name, a shaky smile spread across your face as you nodded again.
It was days before your wedding was due to take place during the Christmas holiday, in the months that had passed you had talked to Sirius more than you had in the last few years, the two of you finding a moment or two each day to talk in an empty classroom.
It was like the feelings that had been there as a child had suddenly returned at full force, of course they had never gone away completely but not being able to talk to Sirius had meant you had shoved your feelings deep down. 
With just a few days until you returned home you and Regulus had both been receiving daily letters informing you of wedding updates, times you needed to be here, when you needed to be there, suits and dresses had been bought and both families were going all out in an attempt to put all other weddings to shame.
Everything for the sake of appearances no matter how unhappy you were.
You were expected to gush over the upcoming wedding and share the newest plans with your friends in your house and even though it made you sick to your stomach you went along with it to keep up the image. Regulus seemed much more at ease and a part of you was furious at him for being able to go along so easily with everything. 
He smiled and seemed to light up like sunshine when he spoke of the wedding plans whereas you felt like the streets when the rain was hammering down at midnight, cold, dark, and alone. He seemed genuinely happy to be marrying you and you wished you could force yourself to pretend but you couldn’t.
Though you supposed you had no choice but to anymore.
That was until you were strolling the corridors late at night, the last night before you went home to be married off, needing a moment away from the Slytherin common room and all the people faking interest in your big day. 
A hand reached out of nowhere and dragged you into an empty classroom, the other hand coming up to cover your mouth as you let out a yelp but before you could struggle a familiar voice spoke against your ear causing you to suppress a shudder.
“Relax love, it’s just me.” Sirius laughed and you rolled your eyes, playfully pushing him away from you as you turned to face him. “What are you doing wandering the halls at midnight?”
“Needed to be away from everyone.” You told him with another eyeroll and watched as he smiled at you before making a move to leave the room.
“Guess I know when I’m not wanted.” He said, amusement clear in his voice and you grinned as you caught his hand and dragged him further into the room, sitting on top of one of the desks cross legged, Sirius mirroring your expression as he sat opposite you. 
“You know that never applies to you.” You told him, keeping your tone light but meaning the words and you saw how his whole face seemed to light up before he tried to brush it off.
“So…” Sirius grinned at you and you raised an eyebrow at him expectantly but he just smiled wider somehow.
“So…” You repeated, urging him to continue and he sat up straighter before he spoke again.
“Do you want some good news?” He asked you and your eyebrows knitted together as you looked at him questioningly, gesturing for him to carry on.
“Sirius,” You complained when he didn’t speak, causing him to let out a laugh, “what’s your news?”
“You’re staying with the Potter’s.” He told you and before you could say anything he carried on. “They let me stay there and I talked to James about everything and then we both talked to his parents and they insisted you stay with them for holidays like I do. You’ll love it, the Potter’s are the best and they have a spare bedroom already set up for you. I told them you’d probably be cut off and they said you didn’t need to worry about anything and that-”
“Sirius.” You choked out, cutting him off as tears filled your eyes.
“Hey, this is a good thing.” Sirius told you, reaching out to take your hand in his and giving it a squeeze. “I promise there’s no strings attached, the Potter’s are good people, best I ever met anyway.”
“You didn’t have to do this for me.” You told him, feeling your throat choke up as you stared at him with wide, teary eyes. 
“Course I did.” Sirius told you with a soft laugh, squeezing your hand again. “Y/N, I’d do anything for you. I know we went a while without talking to each other properly but I never stopped caring about you. I wasn’t going to sit by and watch you marry Regulus, not when you deserve to be happy.” 
You felt a few tears fall down your cheeks even as a smile made its way onto your face and you couldn’t stop the small laugh that escaped you causing Sirius’ smile to widen. 
“Thank you.” You managed to choke out and Sirius just shook his head at you. “I mean it, Sirius, you didn’t have to do all this. I’ll never be able to thank you for this.”
“Shut up,” He laughed, causing you to grin at him, “You never have to thank me, I’m just glad you get to make your own choices now.”
He was right, you were free to do what you wanted now and it felt…strangely terrifying. You’d never had the option of making your own choices before and now you were free thanks to Sirius, thanks to the man you were falling for.
Who were you kidding? You had fallen for Sirius a long time ago. 
Your eyes shifted down to his lips and you knew he noticed but found that you didn’t care and apparently Sirius wasn’t against it as his tongue poked out to wet his lips before his own eyes flicked down to your lips before he looked back to your eyes, a questioning look in his. 
You could only grin over at him and he smiled brightly before he lifted his hand to your cheek and let his thumb trace the skin of your cheekbone. He brought your face close to his, letting his forehead rest against yours as he glanced down to your lips again.
“You sur-” Sirius went to ask but you couldn’t wait any longer, you had waited years for this and leaned up to close the distance between you, taking Sirius by surprise if the muffled noise that escaped him was any clue but he recovered quickly.
The kiss was everything you had imagined it would be, it was rushed and hungry and filled with longing, filled with relief that you could finally do it. Sirius held your face in his hands and kissed you deeply, kissed you until you were out of breath and then some more before finally pulling away.
“Wanted to do that for so long.” He murmured against your lips as he leaned forward to press a smaller, barely there kiss against them.
“Me too.” You whispered breathlessly, smiling softly over at him and Sirius couldn’t help but press his lips to yours again causing you to laugh against his lips, the two of you smiling too wide to properly kiss again before he pulled away.
“Thank you, Sirius.” You told him as you rested your foreheads together and Sirius just wrapped his arms around your waist pulling you closer, content to just hold you after waiting years for the chance to do so and not planning to let you go until you wanted to leave.
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Sirius Black Taglist / 
@chickensrule, @rosaliedepp, @hayden429, @onyourgoddamnleft, @divanca2006, @silverose365, @siriuslyfearless, @tc-blossom, @mystic-writings, @touchdeprivedwh0re, @alwaysclassyeagle, @asherhunterx, @carmellasworld, @ellabellabus07, @maeve-7, @qfton, @serrendiipty, @father-violet, @mystic-writings, @izzyyy-1,  @lucyysthings , @kaitieskidmore1, @mrslizzyolsen, @lolmxria, @idli-dosa,  @eichenhouseproperty,  @lovelyvante, @ukai-hoe, @bxmaaa,  @cwritesforfun, @captainamericasdaughter15, @siriusstwelveyears,@daisyfreshwhore, @polyglot-noodle, @alexxavicry, @bubsonnobx , @starkillerrr, @f-sant, @fairydxll,  @valluvsu, @uwiuwi, @bookfrog242, @ellablossom, @dumb-fawkin-bitch, @alexparkxr 
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godlytemperance · 11 months
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npmd headcanons because my brain is rotted <3 <3
heehee hoohoo i am rotating the entirety of hatchetfield in my brain
im updating this as i think of more stuff so bear with me if this gets stupidly long
richie has audhd. i know this because he is me i am him we are EACH OTHER /j
ruth and richie met in the anime section of barnes and noble in middle school and nearly screamed when they realized they were going to the same high school later on
steph is lactose intolerant and is not brave about it ever. tries to share a hot chocolate with pete and spends the next three hours miserable
grace is doomed to kill in every timeline but it can be prevented by her best friends keeping her too occupied with mundane nonsense for her to find a gun
richie has so much tboy cringe energy. that man kins sasuke you cannot tell me i'm wrong
i have hit them all with my transgender and gay beam >:3c they're the friend group that hit their gender and sexuality realizations in waves. someone's egg cracked first (richie) and it set off a chain reaction
pete is genderfluid and usually presents masc (he/they)
bi with no strong preference either way
only recently began to dabble with femininity in his gender presentation
steph is gnc transmasc (he/she, used interchangeably)
bi with a masc preference
no matter who you are, if you have a crush on steph, you're gay. them's the rules pal
richie is transmasc (he/it)
aroace spectrum! he's demi on both ends, fluctuates pretty often.
somehow incredibly perceptive to romance unless it directly involves him, then he's as dense as a brick
ruth is a girlthing because she's swag like that (she/it/they)
pan with a fem preference
her preferred type is pathetic mascs and intimidating fems
grace is fem-presenting nonbinary (she/they)
formerly closeted lesbian
had the WORST case of comphet until she realized she didn't necessarily have to be attracted to MEN to be attracted to masculinity :3
max is transfem (she/he)
she's a butch lesbian!!! she doesn't feel pressured to be hyper-feminine after realizing she's trans, because she's already pretty happy with her outward presentation
saw all her new friends going through their various gender and sexuality realizations and is just "i hope this doesn't awaken anything in me :)" (it did)
OH also paul is richie's uncle! richie's dad is paul's older brother. they don't interact much but it is literally Autism to Autism
if the group were to fall victim to any of the Lords in Black, it'd probably be as follows:
max - wiggly. rage hatred biting nightmare nightmare >:3
steph - nibbly. he's got the closest ties to the CotSC and also we need more nibbly rep
pete - tinky. duh. probs gets trapped in the box in timelines where steph dies before him and he desperately wants to bring her back
richie - blinky. idk it's just vibes to me. he seems like the kind of guy to go nuts for eye symbolism
ruth - pokey. she's a theater kid and i think that pokey would have a field day shoving her into the fucked up and evil spotlight
grace - all of them. they take turns babysitting her in various timelines. she is their favorite child
richie 100% uses anime terminology to describe normal ass situations. he calls steph a tsundere once and steph has to act like her world wasn't just shifted two inches to the left for the rest of the day
oh also in redemption timelines they have movie / bingewatch nights!! they cycle between everyone's favorite shows or films. it's the best part of their week every single time
max was cast as a leading role the one and only time she ever auditioned for theater and it freaked her out so much that she declined the role
richie's hair is Like That because he tried to get the cool anime spiky hairstyle to work for him (it didn't) (he doesn't realize this until college)
pete was a greek mythology girlie i just know this. something about him screams "i read percy jackson way too much as a kid"
after grace realizes she doesn't have to be a "perfect" christian, she swears like a sailor
also grace hand embroiders all her clothes as a hobby! (this is semi-canon, since she has embroidered strawberries on the cuffs of her jeans in the show)
the first time steph smoked ouid, he made the mistake of using cbd oil and a pipe at the same time. man was in SPACE
all of them are poly with each other but at different levels:
steph and pete are Dating dating. so are max and grace. wholesome yaoi VS toxic yuri
ruth and steph are almost definitely "best friends" in the historical sense
richie and ruth are qpp. if they were both 100% straight they'd probably be the most annoying couple in the world
pete and richie kiss sometimes but its genuinely platonic for them. just bros being bros (they are so deeply in love and neither of them realize it until years later)
ruth and pete are friends to ??? to lovers to friends who cuddle sometimes
richie and steph are polar opposites but they love each other to death. black cat and orange cat kind of relationship
max and grace barely intersect with the nerds but they still consider all four of them to be part of their weird situationship
(grace definitely experimented with all four of them, with max's permission. just to be Sure. y'know.)
max is doing her best to make amends with the nerds but it is very slow going. she has gotten to casual fistbump level with them though!
the nerds usually just look at max and grace from the sidelines like they're watching two wild beasts circling each other in their enclosure. their flirting is NOT rated pg and it still baffles them how the local prude and the highschool football star managed to get together
richie unintentionally dropped the fact that he has a fursuit - a timberwolf, because i'm projecting - and ended up helping everyone design their fursonas. pete is a traditional chimera (goat, snake, and lion), steph is a plain black cat, ruth is a flemish giant rabbit (she did research), grace is a sheep, and max is a checkered-tail nighthawk.
any time that the group gets spam calls, all they have to do is hand the phone to ruth and they get taken off the lists the moment she speaks. ruth was frustrated by it at first but it became a game of "how many companies can i inconvenience before they stop calling hatchetfield numbers entirely"
steph braided pete's hair once and he damn near proposed on the spot
ruth knows how to sew (from doing tech) and helps teach max how to mend her clothes! max ends up being really good at it! she goes on to teach the entire football team how to fix their uniforms and ruth ends up being the honorary team favorite for at least a year
im taking jon matteson's "richie should have blue hair in a movie version of NPMD" and fucking sprinting with it. he dyes his hair at least once a year and it's a wildly different color every time
ruth is the kind of gal to love games with lots of violence because it makes her feel like a badass vigilante (she can barely do a push-up in real life) (just like me)
steph is deeply afraid of large bodies of water. major L on his part seeing as he lives on a fucking island
bouncing off of the above hc, pete's afraid of planes. these two can't travel out of hatchetfield without one of them nearly shaking out of their own skin
max doesn't actually like football that much. she's REALLY good at it, yeah, but she'd prefer to play most other sports even if she isn't good at them! she likes the challenge of doing something she won't automatically win!
grace probably writes lists of things to keep everything in order. she's got lists of all her favorite foods, a checklist of daily chores, etc etc (it's also because she's got undiagnosed autism and she functions better when she has a Routine)
no matter what, pete will always stop and talk to the homeless man downtown. he doesn't really know why, though. (ted wishes he could say something to pete, but he never does. best to keep him at arms length.)
ruth really really really reeaaaally wants to cosplay but she's nervous that she'll be deemed as the "cringy weirdo" by other con-goers. she eventually admits this to richie, who rallies the group into a group cosplay for moral support
it takes a lot of convincing for them to find a fandom they all want to cosplay from. they settled on FNAF, specifically security breach bc it's Timely (they go to the con in 2022)
pete is glamrock freddy, steph is monty, ruth is glamrock chica, and max is roxy!
richie was glamrock bonnie and he gets so mad when the official design comes out a year later bc it was completely different than what he imagined
grace eventually agrees to dress up as vanessa (she never played the games) (she thinks FNAF is a real animatronic restaurant) (everyone they meet thinks she's method acting)
they end up crashing at ruth's place absolutely DRAINED. they all have imprints on their arms from carrying around an absurd amount of merch. pete nearly started a fistfight in the parking lot with a bakugo cosplayer. max nearly finished it.
they all agreed that it was one of the best things they've ever done and also to Never Do It Again
richie had a brief phase where he was obsessed with black butler and he regrets it to this day
grace and max both have scary dog energy but in different directions. max (post-transition) looks really intimidating at first glance but she's got golden retriever energy. grace will stare at you with the scariest fucking eyes if you're mean to retail employees
steph has always wanted a pet, but her dad never allowed it. when he moves out and gets an apartment with the nerds, they all agree to rescue a pair of bonded cats for his birthday. steph doesn't stop crying for at least an hour
steph and pete named one of the cats, while ruth and richie picked the other one's name.
Mittens is the Lautski baby, a black and white girlie who is incapable of mischief. she's like the disney ideal of a cat. she's a cuddle monster and will be so sad if you have to get up and do things without her
ruth and richie are the proud coparents of Sir Jotaro Gooberton (the Third). he is the most stupid tabby you will ever meet in your life and he has made the crime rate in the household go up tenfold.
a very common Lautski date night is going to the candle section of walmart and just sniffing every single one of those bad boys until they get a headache
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anastasia-queen · 8 months
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Character Appreciation: Chloe Carmichael from Fairly Oddparents (Proper Character Analysis WIP)
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(Note: The discussion you are currently reading is a WIP. As for the reason, I wanted to post something about the subject just in case I lost motivation for this personal project.) Anyways, let's begin this discussion about Chloe Carmichael.
Chloe Carmichael is a heavily misrepresented character across the general or FOP community. She does have a source of misery, which is she is a child who has a sheltered lifestyle and must live up to her parents and other expectations and morals enforced upon her.
As a result of her sheltered life, she has a strong personality that makes socializing with kids difficult. Her conflict is purely internal, not external because her conflict focuses on the psychological effects on her character. The beauty of Chloe's Character is that despite having to enforce a sheltered lifestyle, it's due to that lifestyle from her parents' skewed reality. Chloe can see the beauty of small things and believes there's always a positive direction of thinking or behavior for anyone. She's an optimistic person.
However, due to how her parents unintentionally put their mindset upon their daughter, whether something minor or major that breaks Chloe's perception of reality, she often breaks down or loses it.
Chloe Carmichael is essentially the antithesis of Timmy Turner, Timmy, a child who had a neglectful life as a result of his parents' personal work life, escapades, and oblivious behavior interfering with his need for attention and guidance in his life, which led to him taken advantage of hence characters like Vicky, and Timmy begrudgingly accepts it because he has no one else to go to for help.
As a result of this consistent behavior cycle, Timmy had a very pessimistic outlook on people and life, resulting in Timmy having a noticeable blunt, sarcastic, and partly arrogant behavior in the earlier seasons, especially for Season Zero.
While Timmy and Chloe are both opposites in lifestyles and mannerisms, they also have the same problem of acknowledging both of their feelings ignored by the general public.
While Timmy's situation and source of misery are more noticeable and direct than Chloe's, Chloe is still miserable because she represses her feelings and thoughts of wanting more, to be heard, to be an actual child, for only to follow the morals enforced by her parents. Chloe even admitted in the episode Booby Trapped that she holds her parents and extension their thoughts in high regard. The episode Summer Bummer also amplifies this notion by having the physical manifestation of the inner child in Chloe's mind, saying Chloe is prioritizing the need for education over the liberty of freedom of being a child.
Someone would ask the question. If Chloe has an internal conflict that affects her perception of life, wouldn't that mean Timmy also has an internal conflict? The answer is no. Timmy's conflict is external.
An external conflict is about having a force of nature, like society or a situation set against the main character. Whether natural or not, it must be outside the character's control, which the main character must learn to overcome. Hence, Timmy's reason to have Cosmo and Wanda. Timmy is a child who had a neglectful upbringing outside his control, which led to people mistreating and taking advantage of him, which caused him to have a pessimistic outlook to only have Cosmo and Wanda to help him combat this.
While it's true that the neglectful lifestyle had taken a toll on the perception of the mindset of Timmy and how he interacts and perceives others. The definition of an internal conflict is about the constant inner battles of prioritizing your wants and needs for a set principle. Timmy doesn't have this problem because he doesn't have major internal battles of his identity to qualify. After all, Timmy is a person who suppresses his feelings.
A person who suppresses their feelings is self-aware of their problem. However, they are deliberately making the conscious choice to avoid acknowledging it. As a result, the issue remains unresolved. The only reason why Timmy's problem is being addressed is because of Cosmo and Wanda. Otherwise, Timmy wouldn't have had the inherent ability to do so, thus setting aside his feelings.
In contrast, a person who represses their feelings is not subconsciously aware of their feelings. Hence, Chloe often has an epiphany when her problem is eventually acknowledged.
Someone would probably ask me a question. If Chloe is a child from a sheltered upbringing who deals with the constant repressed inner battles of her parents enforce morals over her needs and wants of being an actual child, which had an unintentional effect of giving Chloe a strong personality that overwhelms or annoys people to be long lasting meaningful friends with her outside the things she can offer as her character conflict. How come no one mentioned this component of Chloe's character?
Well, dear reader, that is because no one thoroughly watched the tenth season outside the first episode and the notorious horrendous episodes of the Flash era. (Specifically, the episodes The Kale Patch Caper, Knitwits, Tardy Sauce, and the most popular contender everyone loves to use to belittle this season and extension of the modern era Fairly Oddparents as a whole, the episode Certified Super Sitter.) If you don't believe me, then go to YouTube and Twitter.
However, not every episode from the Flash era is terrible. Summer Bummer and Fancy Schmancy are relatively decent for Season 10B standards.
(Season 10B is only thirteen episodes across seven episode blocks. Season 10A is 30 episodes across 13 episode blocks.) I mentioned this because there is a noticeable misconception that the Flash era was half of Season 10. (7 out of 37 episodes is approximately 19%.)
Poor episodes that plague the reputation of Season 10A are The Big Fairly Scare Share, Girly Squirrely, and Return of the Losers. (3 out of 30 episodes is approximately 10%. In total this is approximately 29%, a third of the season, which is legitimately poor.) Leaving 71% of Season 10 undiscussed. "Yeah, that is definitely fair".
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canmom · 23 days
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games games'd recently
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Solar Ash: the second game by the people who made Hyper Light Drifter. My feelings about it largely align with the reviews: gorgeous aesthetic if not quite as personally a vibe as HLD, the skating flows really nicely, the 'track down all the collectable things' structure was a little frustrating at times but I got used to it, the Shadow of the Colossus-like boss battles were a lot of fun when they worked.
It's a game about a decaying world full of people trapped in cycles of facing their last, worst moments. Most of the people you meet are some kind of animal people - cat people, fungus people, snail space imperialists - and the tone varies between darkly comedic and Meditating Severely On Death. The tone often swings a little pulpy.
So, ultimately - spoilers! - it turns out to be a time loop (something they pretty heavily foreshadow). Your player character Rei is one half of a split being who, after failing to save her world, has been resetting time and time again. The character 'Echo' who you encounter after every boss fight, with a white theme in contrast to your character's black motifs, is the other half of you - the half that isn't convinced to keep trying over and over again to save your planet and is pretty mad at Rei for prolonging this whole miserable existence.
In the true ending finale sequence, Rei finally concedes and turns into a big monster, and you play as Echo (who conveniently controls the exact same as Rei) to pull out the big spikes impaling her, metaphorically allowing her to reconcile with you and allow the world to move on with the other characters .
So like, big old trauma flashback metaphor I guess? The character's inner world is reflected in a big expansive scifi.
The thing that intrigues me most about this game is the tech art. For example, take the cyan goop you surf along in various levels. It looks like it's made of metaballs, and I kind of wonder if they are doing some clever stuff with meshing, or if they're rendering with signed distance fields, or what... in any case, it leads to some very cool level design where you can skate over all surfaces of the blobby space matter, and there is no consistent 'down' direction.
I went looking for how they did this and I ended up finding a half-hour talk from the lead technical artist, which doesn't really address the cyan goop, but does talk about integrating Houdini procedural simulations into the game using Unreal...
youtube
He talks mostly about the process of authoring the game's 'islands' (using a procedural editor tool that runs Houdini to generate the geometry), but does casually mention the clouds becoming 'really cool SDF clouds' in game, so I guess I called it! Really cool that that can run real time without being too expensive. I am definitely curious about how they handled raymarching so many metaballs (assuming they used raymarching, but that is the standard way to render SDFs).
It's kind of crazy that Heart Machine could go from a Game Maker game (even one with fantastic art direction) to a game as ambitious as this one. In practice though... running all over the bosses is cool but with the amount of camera hinting (necessary at the speed you're moving) it kind of feels like a series of QTEs, just figuring out where the next node is and trying to avoid jumping in the black goop, and if you screw up, you have to try again from the start. They're really cool sequences, but from a gameplay perspective, more like a rhythm game than anything.
This game didn't quite hit the same level of 'wow vibes' of HLD for me - I liked the atmosphere of HLD, the quiet and haunted world, the Nausicaa-like monsters. But I definitely enjoyed my time with it, and it's crazy inspiring on a tech art level.
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The Thaumaturge: This is the latest game from 11 Bit Studios, of Frostpunk and This War of Mine fame. It's a fascinating concept: an RPG set in Warsaw at the turn of the 20th century, a world of boiling-over social tensions, in which you play essentially a wizard who summons invisible demons salutors to reveal secrets and manipulate people. Your father (also a wizard, you hated him) died mysteriously and now you're back at the family home to try to investigate.
I haven't finished this game yet (nowhere near, it's a big game), but I wanted to briefly comment!
In the first ten minutes of this game, you go to meet Rasputin. From that point I was already pretty much sold.
After sorting out some peasant-y business in what is essentially the tutorial area, you travel to Warsaw where the bulk of the game takes place, currently ruled by the Russian empire. Pretty much as soon as you get off the train, you run into Tsar Nicholas giving a speech, and get caught up in a tense standoff between the Russian cops and Polish workers. I ended up in prison lmao
This is the type of RPG that does have a combat system, and finds some... kinda awkward reasons to get Wiktor Szulski into fights now and again, but it's a pretty intriguing design oriented mostly around applying and exploiting status effects. But really, I'm here for the story, and the period setting. Although 11Bit are not a Polish studio, the game has the option of full voice acting in Polish, which is really sick - apparently they put some effort into giving it period language as well. And even though this is an occult story about wizard business, there's clearly a huge amount of love for the historical setting - there's a bunch of mini sidequests that just take you to look at landmarks and get a little bit of xp from it.
Wiktor is a fun protagonist to inhabit, and the game encourages you towards spicier dialogue options with its system of Flaws - essentially, each salutor is associated with a point of characterisation, such as pride, and if you feed that flaw by picking prideful dialogue options when they're offered, that will apparently make your salutor more powerful. It is certainly reminiscent of Disco Elysium's design with the thoughts as characters, but it's got enough of its own flavour to not feel derivative.
I will surely have much more to say about The Thaumaturge as I progress through it, but honestly, just wanted to shine a light on this game because it's fascinating. This kind of RPG doesn't come along often enough.
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Neon White: Only just started on this one. It's exactly what everyone says: an addicting game designed to ease you into speedrunning. I have two friends on Steam who have played it and both of their times are very tight and several seconds faster than what I'm able to do lol.
Everyone also says the plot is a bit ehh and well... they're right. Strangely the tone reminded me most of all of the anime Mahou Shoujo Magical Destroyers: oddly casual, and despite the weebcore vibes, the character archetypes are more American - bubbly psycho girl, femme fatale, frat bro. It's very much aiming for humour, and generally it's not terrible, but the hit rate there is kinda mixed. I'm actually a bit surprised by it - given the aesthetic with the hannya masks everywhere, I was kinda expecting something way more chuuni, but it's quite laid back so far.
But none of that matters really because it's a speedrunning game, it's not about the story! The controls are tight as hell, the levels are elegantly designed to steer you towards picking up on shortcuts with a compelling learning curve, and restarting is incredibly easy. So far I've grabbed Ace medals on every level I've played, but there's a huge amount of room for improvement still. Definitely reminiscent of doing time trials in Mirror's Edge back in the day. Definitely gonna play this more.
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boobo13cambridge · 1 year
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The Summer We Were Young | Kylian Mbappé
Chapter One. Ridin' in the drop-top with the top down
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Summary: Naaz loses her shit and books a one-way flight to Nice. Maybe she should’ve thought this through a bit more?
PSG wins the Ligue 1 title but Kylian can’t seem to muster up the strength to join in the festivities. So, without telling anyone, he leaves for the South. Maybe he should’ve told his mom?
SATURDAY, JUNE 3 2023
Naaz Ahmed
Naaz paced back and forth in her childhood bedroom in Toronto, her mind racing with anger and frustration. She had just had yet another argument with her parents, and this time, she had truly lost her shit. Why couldn’t they just understand that she didn't want to live her life following the same rigid structure as them? After all, she only had this one life and she would be damned if she wasted it by marrying some random man, who ticked all the ‘appropriate’ boxes of an ideal son-in-law created a million years ago by miserable people who had nothing better to do,  followed by popping out some babies and restarting the same mind-numbing, soul-crushing cycle once again. 
Naaz could feel tears welling up in her eyes as these dark thoughts consumed her mind. She felt trapped in this golden cage. While she appreciated all that her parents had done for her but she couldn't help but feel bitter about the fact that they seemed so entitled to her happiness and her future. 
Enough, she thought, I can’t stay here a second longer. One thing about Naaz is that she was the type of person who liked to do things without clearly thinking them through which has often led her into a few spots of trouble. 
This time was no different, the young woman quickly opened her laptop 
Without thinking things through, she had booked a one-way flight to Nice through one of those cheap flight websites. She didn't care about the cost or the fact that she had no plan, she just needed to escape.
As Naaz stared at the confirmation email on her screen, a rush of emotions flooded her mind. She felt a mixture of excitement, fear, and uncertainty that left her feeling both exhilarated and anxious at the same time. The spontaneity of her decision to book a one-way flight to Nice was both liberating and terrifying, as she had no idea what awaited her in this unfamiliar destination.
As Naaz's excitement about her impulsive decision to escape to Nice intensified, she felt a knot of anxiety form in her stomach at the thought of her parents' reaction. She knew all too well how overprotective and traditional they were, and the mere thought of their reaction sent shivers down her spine.
She imagined their faces contorted in anger, and the thought made her heart clench with anxiety and guilt. God, the guilt was the worse. Indian parents had a way of instilling guilt in you from the womb. She would have to brace herself for the storm of emotions that was sure to follow, but she was ready to weather it with the knowledge that, in the end, this would be worth it. Naaz shook her head, taking a deep breath and getting rid of these thoughts.
“You deserve this, girl. No one can change your destiny except. Okay? Okay, We got this.” Giving herself a quick pep talk, she felt a sense of determination to stand firm in her decision. 
She turned her attention back to the task at hand - packing her bags with utmost care and precision so as not to raise any suspicion. As she meticulously folded her clothes and packed her essentials, she couldn't help but feel a sense of excitement building within her, knowing that she was taking the first step towards her dreams.
However, the fear of getting caught by her parents loomed over her like a dark cloud. Naaz knew that she had to be careful not to leave any clues behind that would give her secret away. She made sure to pack quietly and efficiently, triple-checking to ensure that she hadn't forgotten anything important.
The sound of the clock ticking away added to her nerves, reminding her that time was running out. She knew that her parents would be asleep by now, and that she had to make her escape before they could catch her. With a final glance around her room, Naaz hefted her bags over her shoulders and made her way to the door, tiptoeing as silently as possible.
As she stepped out into the cool night air, she felt a rush of adrenaline coursing through her veins. She knew that this was the moment she had been waiting for - the moment when she could finally break free and forge her own path in life. With a deep breath, she called for an Uber and climbed into the car, feeling the wind in her hair and the thrill of adventure in her heart.
As the Uber sped away from her home, Naaz's heart pounded with excitement and apprehension. The driver kept glancing at her through the rearview mirror, probably wondering why she was out so late with such heavy bags. Naaz tried to keep a low profile, avoiding eye contact and staying quiet. 
As the car made its way through the empty streets, Naaz's mind raced with thoughts of what lay ahead. She thought of the new people she would meet, the places she would explore, and the experiences she would have. It was like a whole new world was opening up before her, and she was determined to make the most of it.
As the car pulled up to the airport, Naaz took a deep breath and stepped out, feeling a sense of exhilaration wash over her. With bated breath, she stepped out of the car and made her way to the check-in counter. She could feel the eyes of the other passengers on her, and she wondered if they could sense her nervousness.
She stood in line, clutching her passport and boarding pass in her hand, trying to keep her composure. The airport was bustling with activity, with people hurrying to and fro, carrying bags and luggage. Naaz was feeling almost high from excitement and the adrenaline of going to the beautiful French coast.
As she approached the Air France counter, Naaz felt incredibly lucky to have found such last-minute tickets on Air France, and couldn't help but think that perhaps God really was on her side.
The airline attendant greeted her with a smile, and Naaz felt a sense of relief wash over her. She handed over her passport and boarding pass, feeling a sense of pride and excitement as she did so.
The attendant checked her documents and then looked up at her with a smile. "Have a safe and enjoyable flight," she said.
Naaz grinned - she was really doing this, she was really going to fucking Nice! Walking towards the duty-free zone, she browsed through the shelves of snacks.
The flight was scheduled for 6AM, but Naaz didn't care about spending six hours in the airport. She was too excited for what lay ahead. By the time her parents woke up and realized she was gone, she would be long gone, tanning on a sandy beach and sipping delicious virgin margaritas.
Kylian Mbappé
Meanwhile, in Paris, Kylian's mind was clouded with disappointment and frustration, knowing that this season had been a disaster. Despite winning the title, he couldn't help but feel that it was a hollow victory. The team had underperformed throughout the season, with injuries and inconsistent performances plaguing their efforts.
Kylian's heart felt heavy as he looked around at his teammates, who were cheering and hugging each other. He knew that they had worked hard to earn this title, but it still felt like a consolation prize for a season that had fallen short of their expectations.
He couldn't help but wonder what the point of it all was. Was winning the title worth it if it came at the cost of their dignity and reputation? 
Kylian shook his head, he couldn't stay here any longer. He had to leave, he had to escape the hollow feeling inside him. Grabbing his stuff, he walked out of the locker telling everyone he was just going to shower. He found the door that used to lead to the old trash bins but was now mostly used by members of the PSG staff and the players to sneak out for a short break.   
He reached for his phone and dialled his assistant, "Karl, I need my private jet ready in the next hour. I'm heading to the south of France, preferably Nice."
As he spoke, Kylian's voice was low and urgent, betraying the turmoil that raged inside him. He knew that this impromptu escape would be seen as irresponsible and selfish, but he couldn't ignore the yearning in his heart. The pressure and expectation that came with being a football superstar had taken its toll on him, leaving him feeling empty and unfulfilled. He needed a break, a chance to find himself again.
Karl, who had been Kylian's assistant for years, was used to his boss's sudden whims and demands. He quickly replied, "Sure thing, Kylian. I'll have the jet ready for you in an hour. Do you need anything else?"
"No, just make sure everything is in order," Kylian replied before hanging up.
As he walked through the door that led to the staff parking lot, he felt a sense of relief wash over him. He was finally doing something for himself, something that wasn't dictated by the expectations of others. They already thought he was a selfish, arrogant prick, might as well act like one now. The warm evening breeze of Paris felt refreshing against his face as he loaded his luggage into the waiting car.
"Where to, sir?" the driver asked.
"The airport. I have a private jet waiting," Kylian replied, settling into the back seat.
The driver nodded, and the car pulled out onto the busy streets of Paris. As they drove, Kylian's mind wandered, thinking of the unknown adventures that awaited him in the south of France. He felt a sense of anticipation and excitement, but also a lingering sense of guilt for leaving his teammates and coach behind. 
"This is madness. I’ve gone crazy," he muttered to himself.
He wondered if he should have confided in his mother before leaving, but he pushed the thought away, telling himself that he needed this break. 
Kylian closed his eyes and tried to calm his racing mind, the sounds of the city outside the car a distant hum. He needed to relax, to clear his mind and figure out what was bothering him. The pressure of being a football superstar was starting to take its toll on him, and he knew he needed to find a way to recharge. 
"Maybe I'll find some peace in Nice," he murmured to himself, the idea of lounging on a beach and soaking up the Mediterranean sun sounding like heaven. 
The car pulled up to the airport, and Kylian stepped out, ready to leave his worries behind and embrace the unknown.
A/N: Hello, lovelies! Here's chapter one of the summer fic. It's quite short but i just wanted to set the mood about the emotional state of Naaz and Kylian before arriving in Nice. The story pics up next chapter, pinky promise 💞😅
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indigoatari · 2 years
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please explain to me what the deal is with chonny jash i am fascinated
oh my friend you have olled away the rock the tomb has been unsealed,
Chonny's Charming Chaos Compendium is a cover album of Tally Hall songs, in the same way Everything Everywhere All At Once is about a woman trying to do her taxes. the full thing is available on youtube and spotify. even solely superficially, it's super interesting, because it's not like, karaoke over the song's musical track, it's like. Redone. new sounds. same song, same tune, but still completely reupholstered. if you like jhariah or will wood, this is like tally hall if you seasoned it to make it sound like them.
HOWEVER.
the instrumentals are NOT the only thing that changed-- he also REWRITES THE LYRICS. he's a VERY clever lyricist, even if hes still definitely drawing from the original. but in doing so he's creating an underlying story, and in tying it all together it starts becoming clear.
CCCC is about Chonny Jash, the artist in question, going through such a bad mental health episode that he manages to split his brain in three. be aware, it's not explicitly anything-- it could be about plurality, it could be about depersonalization, or it could just be a metaphor about self conflict. but the bottom line is, where there was once one there is now THREE, and none of them want to be here.
the bulk of the album is the three of them singing and songwriting and arguing with each other. Mind Electric is the left brain, the logical side, and the only one with a distinctive voice-- he has a distinctly robotic, modulated voice. he also talks like a disney villain.
his counterpart is Heart Acoustic! the right brain, the emotional side, and the most visually distinctive of the three-- he's the chap with the blindfold and the wings and he's a bit of a miserable mess. if mind is the voice in your head who berates you for not getting things done, heart is the voice in your head panicking about the long term impact.
that being said: neither of them are inherenty the Good Guy or the Bad Guy. they are equals, and they cannot lives without each other, and they are constantly committing war crimes. the first thiiiird? of the album is the two of them bitching and bitching and bitching and
number three is my favorite and he shows up in like the last half of the album: the Soul Eclectic. you can't really argue if Heart or Mind are id or superego, but Soul is unquestionably the ego in the triad. he moderates and also keeps Heart and Mind from killing each other. and plays guitar. he's skrunkly
that being said. it is about a depressive episode. all three of them kind of want to die. Soul is absolutely not opposed to it. they have explicitly discussed this. i cannot emphasize enough, the entire album is about an absolute mental low, and that's kind of what keeps it interesting. the three of them are one person at his absolute worst, and they are so filled with loathing for the Others that is really just kind of... loathing of the self. take all of that on top of the fact they are in a time loop.
the three of them are trapped in an infinite cycle of dissolution and reconstitution. they will always eventually synthesize and make it out of the misery pit only to fall back apart into the same patterns and arguments and PEOPLE. they cant catch a break man!!!!!!
i have SEVERE autism about it and so does my girlboybestie @julystruck. the full album is here, but if you're just trying to lean into it, i fully recommend the whole twelve minutes of The Mind Electric along with the lyrics analysis to get a grip on the characters, and then Mucka Blucka and The Bidding for basic dynamics. and feel free to ask me about literally anything and giving me an excuse to write an essay when i COULD be writing an essay about the progressive era,
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idea that literally just came into my head: c!dream is an immortal god, and c!tommy is a mortal who keeps reincarnating and each time he does c!dream tries to get his hands on him but it always ends in tragedy for the both of them.
c!tommy is the only person who treats c!dream like a person, not an infallible god or an evil devil, but that also means he can never be one of his worshippers and join his afterlife, so c!dream cursed him with being unable to enter any afterlife and got him trapped in an endless cycle of death and rebirth. but the thing is c!dream is chasing a c!tommy that worships him yet doesn’t at the same time, and he’s forever miserable chasing an ideal that doesn’t exist, while c!tommy keeps getting horribly abused into fulfilling an impossible role lifetime after lifetime after lifetime.
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lakesbian · 1 year
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alec and cherie have a beautiful relationship wherein each thinks they're cooler than the other but like in a way where they're aware the other person is cool and feel threatened by it so they Tell themselves they're cooler to cope. like they do genuinely both believe it but they're still insecure and threatened abt that belief. and they both want each other to die horrifically of asphyxiation in a housefire. and they both listen to some of the same bands and go "getting a lot of me vibes from this" about the same songs*. which they would literally try to stab each other over if they ever found out about it. also they're both doing the 'trapped in cycle of abuse' thing except cherie is trying to Win at it to make herself feel miserable about her shit idiot hell life (subsequently placing herself in an incredibly dangerous self-destructive scenario w/ the s9 once the family cult starts failing because she doesn't know how to cope w/ existing if she's not Powerful and Special. which is also much like alec he's just not nuts abt it enough to entertain the idea of joining the s9) whereas alec actually manages 2 escape the cycle and start (unwittingly) getting better. while also coincidentally playing his cards right and becoming Ostensibly Powerful And Special. which cherie is sooo mad and envious about. and conversely alec is at least a little smug about finally being coolerbetter than her. i want to lock them in a room together and watch them claw each other to the death
*cherie actually listens to and emotionally responds to the lyrics, alec absolutely does not and just parses them as 'songs for special princeboys who are famous and beautiful and powerful.' primadonna girl yeah all he ever wanted was the world,
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willtarica · 8 months
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Discussion Leader Panel Presentations
Pink Floyd: Nothing but the Machine
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Young students run around causing a ruckus, complaining about their evil teacher who traps them with the masses. Being a hundred times the size of the students who are ants in comparison, the teacher has an easy time putting the kids into the roof of a standard British home that appears to be a funnel and are turned into spaghetti as he watches through his glasses where one lens enlarges into a magnifying glass. The students' lack of individuality reigns supreme in Pink Floyd’s, “Another Brick in the Wall, Part Two,” they are just another noodle. In “The Ruling Class and The Ruling Ideas,” Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels make the point that the ruling class, the teachers, control the means of material and mental labor, which is divided for one half to appear as thinkers while the other stays passive and grounded in reality. This allows for one class to rule all just like a teacher runs a classroom in 1970s England (Pg. 59-60). Marx and Engels discuss how ideas are not independent of politics, just as music and art are intertwined with politics. Pink Floyd were one of the most influential bands to criticize the education system and how teachers back then put kids in a box as seen in the imagery of a white brick wall encasing a student sitting on the dirt ground. In “Ideology and Ideological State Apparatuses,” Louis Althusser writes:
“School (but also other State institutions like the Church, or other apparatuses like the Army) teaches ‘knowhow’, but in forms which ensure subjection to the ruling ideology or the mastery of its ‘practice’. ‘professionals of ideology’ (Marx), – the tasks of the exploited (the proletarians), of the exploiters (the capitalists), of the exploiters’ auxiliaries (the managers), or of the high priests of the ruling ideology (its ‘functionaries’), etc” (Pg.88).
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Pink Floyd paints a picture of the ruling class quite literally trapping a child inside a brick wall by the high priest Althusser speaks of, the teacher. Keeping the youth trapped without hope of living their dreams only will force them into the wall of never contradicting their superiors and never accomplishing anything. Instead, the children will end up in the workforce where they will be miserable.
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The sad reality is presented in the shot of silver hammers with red and black handles marching like the military in a dark and cloudy night. Each hammer represents a different child who the high priests trapped into our established system, even if that means the children are unhappy because they grew up to work meaningless jobs. Pink Floyd, Marx, Engels and Althusser all agree that the system's hierarchy is oppressive as the ruling class subjects everyone else into a working majority that builds the infrastructure that keeps the upper class afloat and in power. It's a cycle where the high priests manipulate the children to be the same as everyone else so they stay and grow up to work the same jobs as their parents just like their own kids will.
Thom Yorke and the Aura of Surrealism
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Thom Yorke from Radiohead and The Smile made a solo album titled “Anima” and a short film with Paul Thomas Anderson of the same title to go along with it. The film features the songs, “Not the News,” “Traffic” and “Dawn Chorus.” In Walter Benjamin's essay, "The Work of Art in the Age of Mechanical Reproduction," he discussed mechanical reproduction and how it depleted the uniqueness of works of art, writing “even the most perfect reproduction of a work of art is lacking in one element: its presence in time and space, its unique existence at the place where it happens to be” (Pg. 667). Thom Yorke is one of the few modern musicians who proves Benjamin's critique of artistic authenticity wrong. “Anima” exists outside of time and space. Benjamin’s comments on retakes in film and music is that it depletes the aura of the piece. Maybe multiple takes does make a work of art less organic, but Paul Thomas Anderson’s direction appears natural in its own right as the film begins with a location all too familiar for many people, the train.
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To perfect something, or rather to record something numerous times can only benefit the artwork at hand, but that's just my opinion. Benjamin does speak on the meaning of aura relating to authenticity and Yorke and Anderson show the inside of a subway where everyone is wearing the same coat and flips it over with a choreographed dance sequence of each person moving their body in a bizarre lifeless way. Yorke and Anderson make their point that authenticity and surrealism can go hand and hand.
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After the dance sequence, Thom Yorke picks up a woman's briefcase and proceeds to exit the train to give it back to her. Instead, he loses her and wanders around in a dream-like dystopian world. He is searching for answers but nothing is received. There's a point where he tries to exit the station but the turnstile won't move. The same people in identical trench coats continue to walk through the turnstile right next to him, but his still won't budge. The audience is left to ponder the question of what it meant. This is exactly what I want out of art, displaying an ambiguous critique of society. Art becomes repetitive when the answers are given to the viewer instead of the filmmakers forcing the audience to think critically about the film and its meaning. Thom Yorke and Paul Thomas Anderson let the viewer experience a dream-like state so they can apply it to an everyday event such as taking the train to work. Yorke and Anderson are breaking the laws of time and space in the film with surreal imaginary and bizarre and striking choreography. “Anima” created its own aura that is not aligned with the idea that a piece needs to be viewed in a specific way or the authenticity will be lost. The authenticity of “Anima” is its unique and uncanny perspective on reality. Maybe Walter Benjamin wouldn’t mind retakes if films were as inventive as “Anima.”
Critical Thinking Questions
According to Marx and Engels, ideas are not independent from politics. Do you think art and politics should be grouped together or can the two be separate?
Is Pink Floyd’s “Another Brick in the Wall, Part Two” overly cynical towards capitalism that's perpetuated by what Althusser describes as “high priests,” or is it justified?
Do you agree with Walter Benjamin's opinion that retakes deplete the aura of films?
Marx, Karl. Marx and Engels Collected Works Volume 5: Marx and Engels 1845-47. Lawrence & Wishart Limited, 1976. 
Sharma, Aradhana, and Akhil Gupta. The anthropology of the state: A reader. Oxford, UK: Blackwell Publishing, 2006. 
Braudy, Leo, and Marshall Cohen. Film theory and criticism: Introductory readings. New York: Oxford University Press, 2009.
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