#just to reiterate I am NOT SAYING THAT EVERYONE HAS TO AVOID WRITING ADVICE

[tetsunabouquet]

there are more than enough understimulated sensory seeking autistics in existence nobody was implying YOU specifically are hypersensitive and avoidant of sounds just dont erase US and imply that thats the only way autism happens,except for a ""one in a million"" chance. as for the other anon, write the badass autistic character who shoots a gun, its not like we All will literally spontaneously explode hearing one, especially if your badass autistic is trained in shooting

I'm not erasing anyone, I am just going by actual realism and giving my answer accordingly. Learn what 'implying' means. Implying, sweetie, means to say something without saying it directly. I didn't 'imply' that this is the only way autism happens except for a one out of a million autistics. Whilst you're slightly twisting my words I directly said that this is unrealistic and the 'one in a million chance'. That's not implying. Bringing up sensory seeking autistics and reminding me that not everyone is 'avoidant and hypersensitive', DOES imply I am solely writing from the hypersensitive aspect of the autistic community, does it not? Because why else would they bring that up? And by this logic, as someone who's openly autistic why would I be writing from one sole perspective if it weren't my own? Your comment continues to reiterate this logic, because now you're bringing up understimulated sensory seeking autistics and I am erasing YOU. One can only do that if they aren't the same type of category as you- and this keeps assuming wether I am understimulated, or overstimulated or whatever. You don't know me so stop with the psycho-analysis. Did I ever say we 'literally spontaneously explode', no. And given the fact I mentioned actually growing up in an area of gang violence, this is implying that's the way I react to people getting shot. It's seriously fucking insensitive to belittle my trauma like that. Next time I ever see a rudely worded Ask like this about the topic, I WILL delete. Whilst there are no statistics on autism in military and gangs, I can give my own life experience, and like I said in previous posts, I have a vast network of neurodivergents in my country that I actually KNOW because I have been very actively been involved in the community since I was a little kid. I know neurodivergent people in both military and gangs. Autistics in gangs use knives, not guns. Partially because knife culture has on the rise, and partially because this is easier to most of us then a gun. Do you even know someone with autism that's been at the forefront of the military or has involved with a gang? If the answer is 'no', then I at least have anecdotal evidence whilst you have zero. PS, learn to read all my posts, because like I pointed out, people who are trained in shooting have hearing protection whereas in real life, gang don't use that shit. There's a HUGE difference between actual survival in a setting like Fall-Out 4 and John Wick VS a shooting range with hearing protection where it's a literal controlled, safe enviroment. How thick does your skull have to be to not understand me pointing out the differences between all these scenarios I keep getting asked and actual real life? If you want to advice the other anon, on how to write a story they want to write but isn't relatable to the vast majority of the autistic community regardless of what category, subtype or whatever you are, go ahead and write a post about it on YOUR OWN BLOG. As Hermione Granger once stated; "I am NOT an owl!" EDIT: PPS, but why are all the asks about this topic ignoring me when I'm talking about, you know, the anxiety levels of being in a literal fight for your life? You're all only ever talking about the sensory aspect I'm bringing up, when that's only a part of what I said.

[friendofthecrows]

The fact that there was a phase in my life where I obsessively followed every piece of writing advice I could get my hands on bc I thought it could make like the perfect story if I managed to put it all together...

Also the fact that was the worst phase for my writing I've gone through.

[streamacademe]

Week 106, Day 735.

My trip to Scotland was a success and I managed to collect some samples! But, I don’t want to talk about that this week. As my 3rd year has officially commenced, I would instead like to dedicate this post to lessons I’ve learned as a 2nd year PhD student and reiterate over my coping strategies.  So, without further ado... 10 lessons I learned as a 2nd year PhD student:

Be prepared to face some dark times with your mental health - I won’t lie to you, it can, and probably will get pretty ugly. At times it will feel like the entire world is on your shoulders and you can’t breathe. I have had countless mental breakdowns this year, which usually involve bawling my eyes out and hyperventilating, before passing out from the exhaustion of it all, then coming around and crying again. Not fun. I have also suffered from insomnia, and, on the flip side, have had many days where I couldn’t get out of bed. I have included some coping strategies for set backs with mental health at the end of this post. 

It will get hard and you’re going to want to quit - I’m sorry to be a bit of a downer, but it’s the truth. For me, giving up is not an option, but even I have had days where I’ve wanted to quit. It’s probably in the terms and conditions of a PhD to feel like this sometimes, but no one ever reads those. How you keep the love for your project glowing is for you to figure out. I always think of the finish line and of how far I’ve come. Or neck a glass of wine, that also helps...

Find a balance between feeling terrified and apathetic, and stupid and self-assured - PhD’s are terrifying, which I appreciate can be exhausting and can lead to feeling apathetic. However, apathy is both a blessing and a curse. It may make you feel calmer and more able, but it sure as hell won’t motivate you to try harder and do better. The same applies for feeling self-assured; yes, you’re clearly a clever bean for getting this far and you should acknowledge and celebrate that, but feeling stupid pushes us to seek knowledge, which is what science is all about. 

Focus on genuine priorities - Procrastination/dedicating your time to non-essential tasks are your no.1 enemies. PhD’s are extremely unpredictable and you have to try and be ahead of the game or you risk falling too far behind. So make sure you know exactly what your priorities are and treat them as such. 

To do lists and GANTT charts are life savers - On your worst days,  refer to these to reorient yourself and stay on track. Make sure they’re always up to date, kept neat, and, most importantly, realistic. 

Self-care is critical - And no, I don’t just mean bubble baths with scented candles every night, although those are definitely helpful. Self-care is looking after your mental, physical, and emotional well-being. Pushing yourself too hard can end really badly. Use me as an example, I pushed myself too hard physically and damaged my spine, which resulted in me taking a week off work. I won’t even mention the amount of mental health set backs I’ve had. So, do whatever it is that allows you to rest your bones, de-frazzles your mind, makes you happy, helps you feel better, and makes you feel like you can keep going. 

You have to learn to say ‘no’ - This will probably be something you’re not used to or are comfortable doing, but I have learned from personal experience that this is literally the most important thing when it comes to  looking after yourself and avoiding burnout. 

Your personal growth is impossible to ignore - Who you are when you start your PhD is definitely not the person you will be at the end. You never stop learning and developing in a PhD, but like, at an accelerated rate. I find it fascinating looking back at my progress reports; something that may have felt impossible 6 months ago is now the norm. 

Rely on your supervisors for help - THIS IS SO IMPORTANT. You DO NOT have to do everything alone. Ask questions, talk to them about your problems, seek their advice. And if they make you feel inferior, uncomfortable, stupid, or make themselves unavailable to you, contact your student support office/r, because a supervisor should NEVER do that. Furthermore, don’t be afraid to voice your opinions and stand your ground with your superiors, they are only human, just like you, and if you feel like they are misguiding or misunderstanding you, tell them. This is your PhD, not anybody else’s. 

Remember that your PhD is your work not your life - As hard as that may be. That is all. 

My ways of coping with the challenges of doing a PhD:

Spend time with animals and in nature - Honestly, if I had to choose just one bit of advice, it’d be this. Animals are the definition of joy, and being in nature always reminds me how beautiful the world can be, irrespective of how dark and rubbish mine may feel at times. 

Sleep - Getting enough sleep makes my anxiety more manageable, my mood better, and means I have more energy to deal with what life has to throw at me. Don’t listen to how much sleep you “should” have, instead listen to your body and work with it. Personally, I aim for at least 8 hours a night. 

Minimalism - I have mentioned minimalism many times on my blog. The benefits of this lifestyle are countless. With respect to my PhD, living with less allows me to have more room to breathe and think. It also means I spend more time on experiences instead of material things. Minimalism also allows me to live intentionally and aligns with my personal values. This in return means that I am more at peace with the life I lead outside of my PhD. 

Save money - Not only do savings mean a sense of security, but having money set aside can be really helpful if you are in need of a getaway or simply want to treat yourself without getting into debt. Furthermore, as there is no guarantee of a job straight after your PhD, or if your funding runs out before you finish, it is essential to have some savings as a safety net to fall on if need be. 

Read - I use books as a form of escape from reality, typically reading either before bed or in the morning before work. It helps take my mind off  the stresses that clutter my brain.

Exercise, eat healthy, and drink plenty of water - I know you’ve heard it all before, but here it is again. It works.

Red Bull (as a last resort) - There are many things in life that have impacted my ability to focus this year, including long drives, bad news, sleepless nights, and mental health issues. However, life doesn’t stop when you want to and so when I’m really struggling I turn to Red Bull for help, and it really does help me. (I don’t drink coffee and tea doesn’t cut it). I always ensure not to drink more than one can a day or drink alcohol within the same 24 hours that I’ve drank Red Bull in. 

How I try to cope with mental health set backs: Disclaimer: ‘Try’ is a critical word here as it is not always easy or straightforward to do the below, and, sadly, sometimes none of these suggestions work. 

Talk about it - I HATE talking about my mental health issues to people as I don’t want to burden my friends, upset my family, or appear weak at work. However, there are times where I’ve had to, and it’s helped. I mainly talk to my boyfriend about it, but should probably see a therapist. Hey ho, small steps. If you really can’t talk about it, write about it, either publicly or privately. 

Perspective - I have been watching a show called ‘New Amsterdam’ recently, which has really helped me see how insignificant some of my problems are. That’s not to say you’re not allowed to feel like crap just because you’re not having open heart surgery, of course you are, but trying to do things that change your perspective can be very helpful in coming out of a mental health episode. Geddit?

Give back - There is always someone having a worse time than you and nothing helps to snap you out of your pity party like lending a helping hand. Whether it’s volunteering at a homeless shelter, running a marathon for charity, or simply donating what you can to a cause you believe in. Give back. 

Headspace - I’m sure you’ve heard of this app/website, if not, here it is. Personally, I don’t like Andy Puddicombes voice, or listening to a human in general, so I don’t use the platform for meditation, but they do have a great range of sleepcasts and sounds, which I use to combat my insomnia. 

Calming medication (natural) - I use an essential oil aromatherapy roller ball to help me overcome an anxious episode or get me off to sleep. Personally, I use Tisserand for these. I also use Rescue Remedy drops for the same reason (these contain alcohol so aren’t for everyone). 

Get the F off of social media for a while - Honestly, your phone isn’t an essential organ, take a break from it, see what wonders it can do for you.

Cut out toxic/negative people - Fill your life with wholesome people, get rid of anyone that makes your recovery impossible, or your life difficult. Be as harsh as you need to be, cry about it, drink about it, but do it, and don’t go back. Here’s a great song to support you through this.  

That is all folks. It took me all day to write this, so I hope it’s at least somewhat helpful. ❤ Peace. 

Photo: A photo of a sunset that made me feel better after an especially difficult day. Source: My camera.

[sabrinajennings]

A Word on Writing: That Dreaded Dialogue Question:

Or maybe only I dread it. Oh well. Anyway, I have noticed that I experience great confusion any time I try to get some decent writing advice about dialogue. Problem 1 is that a bunch of the advice is about how to have less narration and more dialogue. Permit me a grave understatement when I say that isn't my difficulty. Problem 2 is that most of the advice is conflicting (ergo, not very helpful). Problem 3 is that I can't quite reconcile the remaining advice with what I consider good literature. Let's discuss.

1. Would real people do this?

If under no circumstances you can imagine any of the real people you know (assuming you know more than half a dozen people) having this type of conversation, it probably needs to go. I do not mean subject matter. Goodness knows someone will discuss anything and everything with all and sundry. I actually mean format. (this is where you can dump all the advice about dialogue tags, breaking up with action, debates about 'said', arguments about SPAG in dialogue {no literally, put all that in this parentheses because we aren't talking about it today}) Sounds like they are reading a script? Nope. Hour-long uninterrupted conversation that never gets off-track? Not sure that has happened in the history of the world, so, nope. Vocabulary inappropriate to their education (either way) (unless it's a clue that they are lying about their background)? Nope.

2. People are the most varied commodity available:

Seriously. This is why dialogue should have so few rules. People are so diverse that any conversational interaction is plausible. This is also why I said above that you need to know more than half a dozen people. The more people you know that better your judgement will be about what does and doesn't make believable dialogue. Think the phrase "as you know" has no place in fictional dialogue? WRONG! I know people like that (they drive me insane, but I know them). Do you believe stilted formal pleasantries sound staid and should never be written? Well, they do sound staid, but guess what? Staid people really talk that way, even in the 21st century.

3. Personality is Paramount:

If you have a good handle on your character's personality, you will have a much easier time understanding how to write their dialogue. This is what people are trying to say when they talk about all characters talking with the same voice. Everyone has a different personality.

Some people chime in with blatantly irrelevant information. Others reiterate what everyone already knows. Both of these people feel the need to contribute even though they really have nothing to offer. It betrays some type of insecurity.

Talkative people often ask questions beginning with "I wonder" when the rest of the question is clearly outside of the listeners' ability to answer even though the question is not rhetorical. Other talkative people sometimes enjoy speculating with them, but it often annoys quiet people (especially shy ones) because the question was obviously without merit and they feel pressured to answer even though there is no answer.

Staid or pedantic people respond formally no matter how informally the other person begins (this can also just be a sign of good manners in some cases).

person a: "Hey what's up?"

person b: "I'm doing well, how about you?"

Sounds ridiculous and mismatched? These characters obviously are, but I've had this conversation before. If both persons are of a more reserved demeanor, the conversation may read exactly how every dialogue post says it shouldn't.

Person a: "hello"

Person b: "hi"

A: "how are you?"

B: "I am well, how about you?"

A: "Doing fine."

Bad dialogue? This is an actual transcription of how a conversation between me and one of my friends (with whom I speak frequently) goes every single time we talk on the phone. At the end of this dialogue the reason for the call will inevitably be introduced but the conversation will retain a note of formality scorned in modern literature.

4. Situational Ethics:

I haven't mentioned subject matter anywhere else, but it does have a place, not so much in believability as in propriety and reception. One sees dialogue in which character's are cracking jokes about someone's misfortune right in front of the bereaved individual, and while I know many people who would behave in such a manner, I don't particularly like them. If your characters' dialogue is improper to the gravity of the given situation it may turn readers against them because they would themselves avoid such a person in the given situation. Not to say that gallows humor cannot ever be used, but evaluate consequences and audience thoroughly before using too uch of it.

5. How much is too much?

This is where I run into major confusion about the advice I'm given. No one really seems to know and even those who pretend to- well, I feel like they are pretending. It's also where I see a major conflict between advice and what I consider good literature. My literary tastes run broad in Era, although somewhat narrower in scope (not much though). I find that some books are overwhelmed with dialogue, while others make more use of narration, and I find both excellent literature. I have noticed that greater use of narrative seems to make a character appear more isolated - for example you may notice a larger percentage of narrative in a western where the protagonist has no one around to talk to but their horse, where's when a well-liked contemporary protagonist is surrounded by friends, the author is more likely to use more dialogue. This serves to highlight the fact that humans are social creatures: even the most unsociable of us occasionally requires interaction with other humans. Less social individuals are unlikely to blurt out every detail of their day to a friend, but they may still require a confidant off whom to bounce ideas when dealing with a difficult situation.

Bottom Line (which you are hoping to read soon I'm sure):

Dialogue needs to accurately portray the personalities and experiences of the characters. It needs to accurately reflect the situation both immediate and overall. However, no dialogue should ever be considered absolutely bad because someone has probably said it at least once.

Hope this helps someone.

[thelawyerthatwaspromised]

Tinfoil - Jon's Two Huge Lies

This is tinfoil and it’s not really something I can prove but I have a little bit of a wild theory that pushes political!Jon farther but, I think, makes a lot of stuff make sense.

Quick summary: I don’t think Jon went to Dragonstone with a plan to manipulate Daenerys. I don’t think he and Sansa worked out anything nefarious. I do think Jon believes that it’s a dangerous decision but something he must do. In his eyes, the only way to save the realm is getting Dany and her dragons up North.

The first encounter was terrible for Jon. 

Davos additionally looks unhappy. He gives his own “c’mon...we’re here at YOUR invitation...stop treating us like this” but still, it goes awful.

Imagine Jon makes it to this point and learns that not only is Dany here to conquer, she’s also volatile.

He warns her against using her dragons. I’m sure antis still like to argue this point - but Jon doesn’t tell her anything affirmative when she DEMANDS his advice, he tells her not to use her huge weapons on people. He wants them to breathe fire on wights - not on the living. Argue that if you want but...

He’s not pleased with her and her look confirms this. 

So...why did I bother quickly re-capping up to this point? Because this is the scene where I believe Jon realized that he’s going to have to bend the knee but that he’s really uninterested in following through with helping Dany take King’s Landing.

Boy, not only am I saying that Jon is manipulating Dany’s personal feelings, but now I’m taking it a step farther and saying he’s actively lying to her about his political intentions? That’s a bridge too far. This is Jon Snow we’re talking about...the man incapable of lying.

“I don’t have a king...”

Let’s  get over it. Jon Snow lies. Maybe you think he’s not lying here, but his impeccable truth-telling record does not exist.

Anyway, why do I think Jon Snow is lying to Daenerys?

Fairly simple premise: Jon Snow wants Dany’s help in the North and he doesn’t want to fight another war in King’s Landing. But he can’t do both. If he refuses to pledge his people to fight for Dany - she won’t help defeat the NK, dooming everyone to extinction. 

If you were in a position like that, what might you do? If it were me, I’d maybe check to see if I could get the more immediate issue resolved and leave the second half of the equation for later. 

So Jon bent the knee.

But it’s not quite as simple as that. Jon’s timing had to be right (if he pledged to her immediately, she’d immediately call his banners and demand he march south to finish Cersei quickly). Each time Jon tried to reason with Dany about marching North and forgetting her campaign against Cersei, Dany was reluctant about it. Jon realized that he could not make her forget about Cersei.

He was there to get Dany as an ally. He was ready to leave when he received word that Bran and Arya had returned to Winterfell. Again, he was ready to leave. He had given up on the idea that he could convince Dany to help. Then Tyrion came up with the wight hunt. It was stupid writing, but this was the mechanic that gave Jon reason to believe he could truly get Dany’s attention focused towards the Wall and not on the Iron Throne.

Jon decides to go on the wight hunt. 

The premise of the wight hunt is that it’s an avenue to get a truce with Cersei. Something Jon has never expressed any interest in before this point. Has Jon changed his mind on the conflict? I’m not sure...the last time he talked about anything that had to do with the Dany v. Cersei throw down, Dany had just won a major victory and she surmised that Jon didn’t know how he felt about that to which Jon said...

This doesn’t appear to be someone who is enthusiastic about the prospect of fighting a war for Dany.

But did Jon say anything on the wight hunt that indicates he’s super pumped about serving a new Queen?

At this very point, Jon still has no interest in bending the knee, he reiterates that he serves the North, and he tell Tormund that it’s both Dany AND Cersei that he needs to convince to help them. 

Circle that with a red marker. Right on your computer monitor. It’ll be fine.

The wight hunt goes about as well as expected. People needlessly die. The NK gets a dragon. Poor Thoros dies a pretty unmemorable death. Benjen dies getting Jon back to the Wall. Over what? 

A truce with Cersei.

A truce with Cersei that is already going to be betrayed before it ever happens. 

A truce with Cersei that is already going to be betrayed before it ever happens in a war that Jon doesn’t care about.

Step into Jon’s shoes for a moment. You’ve told people how many times that you don’t consider the war important in the south. You think Dany ought to go North without a truce with Cersei. Why would Jon agree to go on the wight hunt if he just thinks Dany could go North without a truce?

Because it’s about getting Dany to go North - and Jon is convinced that he can’t get Dany to go North unless he can get her to shake her focus off of Cersei. 

“Fine, I’ll do this if that’s what it takes to get you to forget about Cersei for a few seconds” I imagine Jon thinking to himself.

Again, it’s important to remember that the wight hunt wasn’t about actually fighting the Night King but about getting only a truce for a whole separate political conflict that Jon otherwise has no intention of involving himself.

Not only that, but the truce wasn’t even about “uniting” the realm. They never asked Cersei to come along. They never asked her to band together with them to fight a common enemy. They asked her to hit the pause button so Dany didn’t lose territory in the south. 

If you disagree with this, find me a quote ANYWHERE that indicates that Jon or Dany believe that Cersei will attack them from the rear at any point if they don’t get the truce. I’ll wait.

Ok, I’m done waiting.

Jon is injured horribly. He’s unconscious on the boat. He’s lost his uncle Benjen. He’s been plunged into freezing water. And Dany is looming over him.

Jon should be comforted in this moment. He almost died. He lost his uncle, whom he loved dearly. They got the damn wight. Instead, Jon is apologizing and babysitting Dany’s feelings. There’s no reciprocation of comfort and sympathy. 

But that’s beside the point of this post. The important part of this scene for Jon is the recognition of Dany’s emotional state. She’s vulnerable. She’s lost her third favorite dragon, after all. 

In her anger and with tears in her eyes, she finally says what Jon has wanted to hear, “we’ll destroy Night King and his army...and we’ll do it together.” 

Wa-bam! That’s the timing. That’s the moment. Because he’s still convinced that....

“But she jurrrrrrrst prerrrrmised him she’d fight with himmmmmmm....this proofs that John haz got know raison to think Dany won’t keep her porpoises!” ~ some anti just thought this

Jon immediately seizes this moment to bend the knee.  

My theory is that Jon picked this moment for this exact set of reasons: 1) He believes he needs her dragons and army to have a chance to beat the NK 2) he believes she won’t actually fight with him unless he bends the knee 3) he needed her to commit to the fight first because his mission is still his number one priority and the most tinfoil-y part; 4) this order of events gives Jon the best chance to use Dany’s resources and avoid sacrificing northerners in a southern war.

Why am I fairly sure of this tinfoil? A number of reasons. The knee bending scene on the boat falls into place when put into this context. Most specifically - THIS portion of the scene makes the most sense if we’re operating under the assumption that Jon is essentially lying his ass off about being willing to fight with Dany in the south:

The more I’ve thought it, the less likely I would believe that Jon is agonizing as much as he is at the end of the scene for something like “I feel bad for manipulating this woman” - I fully believe he’s agonizing over first feeling like he may have betrayed Ned’s memory (I’ll get to this in a bit) and that he’s lying his ass off. To be clear, I fully acknowledge this makes Jon’s actions in S7 even more extreme than “Jon manipulates Dany’s feelings to get her to go North” and puts it into “Jon manipulates her feelings AND lies about a pretty huge material fact.”

As things move on, I think it falls even more into place. If you were Jon and you had zero clue why Dany is so tunnel-visiony about the Iron Throne and being in King’s Landing, you might imagine him saying something like:

Like, ok, small town boy Jon has never seen a big city! How dim and inexperienced! Maybe Jon earnestly just thought this to himself - or maybe he still has absolutely no idea why Dany wants this so badly. Something prompted this thought. Jon expressing mild dismay that he has to even step foot in King’s Landing for this would seem pretty well connected to the idea that he just went on a ridiculously stupid mission just so they could go to this city- and get the truce for the war he doesn’t care about.

Then Jon is faced with the Cersei question - after things seem to have been going well.

Poor Jon really doesn’t wanna lie. 

So he doesn’t...sort of.

(antis getting angry because they think Jon telling the truth to Cersei is proof that he’s not lying so this is all stupid)

But hold on a second. 

I’ve already argued that Jon doesn’t care about the war in the south.

He doesn’t care about whether Dany or Cersei sit on the Iron Throne.

He certainly has shown he’s willing to do anything to try to save the North....

....except....supposedly...lying to Cersei? That’s where we think Jon Snow draws the line? He’ll risk his life for a truce only to torpedo that same truce at the first opportunity? Really?

I’ve already written about how Jon’s POV is obscured in S7 and the method to cover that up was to have other characters saying they know exactly what Jon Snow is thinking.

As you can see, this decision by Jon was revealed as a complete surprise to everyone at the Dragonpit which means that the decision was meant to confuse the audience. Varys, Davos, Tyrion, even Missandei are completely shocked about this turn of events. All Jon had to do was say “ok, on my honor as the honorable son of the honorably honorable Ned Stark, I pledge to be honorable and stay honorable by sitting out the war when we beat the NK.”

That’s it. That’s all.

Was Jon just stupid for not doing so? NO. Listen, if Jon was just stupid - there’s no reason to root for him and the entire message of the show about the good guy being wise enough to avoid being killed by the bad guy is utterly meaningless. Jon will not deserve to rule anything if he just flat couldn’t lie to Cersei.

What’s the alternative? Oddly enough - that he DID lie to Cersei.

Because if Jon tells the truth, that he wants to stay in the North, he gives Dany total reason to doubt his intentions. This entire trip, Jon has been the Northern fool. He’s been Ned Stark’s honorably honorable son. It’s been a well-crafted image. 

And yet - in that moment in the Dragonpit Jon had to lie - because he ALREADY LIED and the only way to truly make sure that his first lie didn’t get out was by lying a second time. So what was the first lie?

And again you remember how happy Jon was to assert his love for Dany and give her the Stark ancestral home that he doesn’t even feel comfortable enough to take the Lord’s chambers?

Remember how Jon looked when he told Dany the first time he pledged to her? It ends with him staring up at the ceiling clearly feeling uncomfortable.

How does he look the second time?

Jon doesn’t intend on following Dany. He didn’t tell anyone he had “pledged” to her because he didn’t want to be put in the position of affirming that stance. But Cersei went ahead and cornered him. If Jon went back on what he told her in her moment of vulnerability, Jon very easily could lose her confidence. 

Just to remind the class, what does Jon think he needs for Dany to fight with him?

This might get repetitive with the gifs but it’s to show how this entire theory of Jon’s character is layered at multiple times with a unifying theme that explains entirely how Jon behaved in S7.

What little extra bit of tinfoil do I have as well?

Jon suggests that “I did this, I should go talk to Cersei.”

Oh that noble fool. What a foolish fool. This dumb fool, who CAN’T be smart.

Look, even Tyrion gives him quizzical looks. Because Jon Snow is just so dumb.

I think Jon fully intended to talk to Cersei and tell her that his pledge to Dany is a ruse. Yes, I think that’s what happened. I don’t think it’s a plot point that can be proven or disproven - but everything about what I’ve said above led me to this.

Jon just refused to say that he wouldn’t fight and try to kill Cersei after the war in the North - and I’m also supposed to believe that he then really thought he could go reason with her? No, no. I think there’s a much more plausible explanation.

Jon really really wanted to tell Cersei the truth.

That his pledge to Dany meant nothing. That he desperately needs her to beat the Night King. That all of this is foolish and petty and a waste of time. 

Why would he tell Cersei the truth? Because it’s COMPLETELY in both of their interest for Dany to come North and for Cersei to agree to a truce. I am totally confident that this scenario could have convinced Cersei. 

Let me go over it. Assume I’m right. Assume Jon wants to bring Dany North and he also has no intention of honoring his pledge. You can see how this could work out splendidly.

Jon gets what he wants in Dany coming North and an understanding with Cersei that he will not follow through with his pledge. This would totally appeal to Cersei and be a huge incentive for her to cooperate. We know Cersei was fine with the truce. She wanted it, actually.  She said so before the summit. A pause button was fine. She tried to get extra benefits by getting Jon to also promise he’d stay out of the conflict. But to be clear - Jon’s lie/non-lie meant nothing because Cersei wanted the truce and she also intends on breaking the truce. 

But in this scenario - she’s getting exactly what she wants and Jon gets exactly what he wants. If Cersei spills the beans, Dany is re-focused on killing her Westerosi enemies, Dany won’t allow Cersei the breathing room she wanted, and she risks a quick resolution by the burning of the city. 

So Cersei would almost definitely keep quiet....and why might Jon ever try to talk Cersei into a truce if he doesn’t care about the war, wanted Dany to come North, and generally hates Cersei and the Lannisters? 

Because: (back to my earlier conclusion) Jon realized he absolutely cannot get Dany to come North if she’s still at “war” with Cersei. She won’t make that sacrifice. He needs Dany North. The ONLY way to get that to happen is by getting a truce with Cersei - but in the moment when Cersei cornered him, she unknowingly forced him into a decision that put the truce at risk. In this situation, it absolutely makes sense that Jon would lie during the summit then want to go talk to Cersei and tell her the truth.

Because Jon just lied. And it almost killed any chance of getting Dany up North.

The thing Jon says next is so fascinating under this scope:

“But when enough people make false promises, words stop meaning anything. Then there are no more answers, only better and better lies. And lies won’t help us in this fight.”

“And lies won’t help us in this fight.”

Look - maybe Jon’s life motto has always been “tell the truth...always” but this is on the heels of Jon TRYING to tell the truth to Dany over and over and over again over the course of the season and being refuse each time.

Maybe Jon Snow lied on that boat. Really for the first time with Dany, he lied. And he felt shitty about it. And then because of that ONE LIE - he was forced to lie again in public to support his first lie. 

“Only better and better lies.”

Do you see how this could totally fit the dialogue? He’s speaking from experience! But he can’t just say “I did lie! Ok! I don’t give a shit about going ever again after this!”

Jon already lied once and it put him in a position to have to lie again and the second lie DIDN’T HELP HIM GET DANY NORTH. It was a completely unintended consequence for Jon. And his deep shame for lying the first time was only magnified when he was forced to lie again and torpedo the summit.

And he’s suffering for it. He hates this. He needed to be smarter than Robb and Ned, so he was. And now he’s wrapped up in this game. And he hates the game.

This completely echoes Stannis’ moral dilemma in his pursuit of the crown.

Do you ever wonder why Jon looks so freaking depressed especially in these last couple episodes? Because he hates this....but it’s what must be done.  

This boy is dying to speak his mind but he can’t. He just can’t. Everything he’s done since arriving at Dragonstone is building to getting Dany to come North.

He’s done EVERYTHING he can.

And it his shame is that he failed to get Dany to forget about Cersei - in large part because he LIED HIS WAY INTO THAT HAPPENING.

What does this do to the way you watch the Theon scene? DAAAAMMMMNNNN.

“You risked everything to tell an enemy the truth.”

Wow. He risked everything to tell an enemy a LIE.

Jon pauses for a beat to consider his words. Like there’s something he wants to say. That he’s wanted to say for quite awhile...yet he can’t.

“We went down there to make peace.” - then why did you torpedo that truce? Was peace with Cersei the reason you told her that you were NOT going to make peace with her after the war?

“...and it seems to me, we need to be honest with each other if we’re going to fight beside each other.”

Jon’s bent the knee. He’s supposedly fallen in love with Dany. He’s secured the truce. Why does he think everything is so tenuous? His “truth” would have just put that all at risk. Everyone on team!Dany wanted Jon to lie because he ruined their chance at peace. He should be proud that it worked out anyway.

Flip his damn lines. He’s living a lie. A lie he hates.

“...always the right step.”

“It’s not. It may seem that way from the outside but...I promise you, it’s not true.”

I mean....damn. Jon’s mini confession. He is not always taking the right step. He lied to Dany. He lied again when cornered to support the first lie. It almost ruined everything. He got himself murdered by his own brothers. He went south to Dragonstone and now he’s suffering the consequences.

Someone hug Jon Snow.

Now to add one last layer. It was shown that Sansa was playing Littlefinger in this scene. She was also already confronted with the plot of a forced-scroll pledging support for a false monarch.

She JUST HAD THIS SITUATION BEFORE. She did what she had to do to survive. Arya even SAYS:

Which Sansa knows doesn’t mean she wrote the scroll believing Joffrey to be King and Robb to be a traitor. We as an audience know this. And yet Sansa is supposedly upset that Jon bent the knee like this. 

While never saying anything negative to Littlefinger about Jon after Jon had left, suddenly Sansa is so angry. 

“He’s bent the knee.” 

“He’s never listened to me.”

“This is what he always does.”

What if. Sansa knows. At least somewhat.

Sansa sees this for what it is. Jon’s been forced to write to her supporting Dany. It even says Cersei is coming along. Big red flag for Sansa. She also knows what LF wants. She knows that he wants her to feel vulnerable and isolated. She knows he’s tried to wedge her and Jon already. So imagine she uses that.

Littlefinger takes the bait. “Great! She feels betrayed by Jon. She’s scared of Arya. I will push her to seize the crown and to kill Arya.”

THEN SANSA DECIDES THIS IS THE MOMENT TO KILL LITTLEFINGER.

He showed his true cards. His last mistake was falling for Sansa’s play that she was feeling betrayed by Jon because of his scroll when she JUST HAD THE SAME SITUATION HERSELF.

My tinfoil conclusion:

Honorably honorable Jon Snow lied to Dany on the boat. Then he had to lie again at the Dragonpit - he already hated lying but then the second lie almost ruined everything he worked towards. He wanted to talk to Cersei personally. To tell her the truth: that he never wanted to bend the knee and that she needs to agree to the truce and he’ll give her what she wanted in return: staying neutral. He couldn’t do it any other way because he needed Dany to believe that he’d bent the knee and would fight for her. Sansa recognized at the very least that Jon was under pressure. He wrote the weirdest scroll ever. She also recognized that Littlefinger would be more of a threat than ever. Either he would convince the northern lords to uncrown Jon, or he would find out that Jon’s loyalty to Dany is a facade and would scheme against Jon through Dany. Sansa allowed LF to be comfortable in thinking she was upset with Jon. He floated the idea of usurping Jon’s crown and having Arya killed. That’s all she needed to decide that the time had come for Littlefinger to face justice.

I don’t believe it either, Littlefinger.

You have no idea how right you might be.

“A cloth dragon swayed on poles amidst a cheering crowd. From a smoking tower, a great stone beast took wing, breathing shadow fire. . . . mother of dragons, slayer of lies . . .” ~Dany IV, ACOK

[pengosolvent]

really frightened that i am lacking something essential and will never be able to be a skilled or creative artist no matter how hard i try. equally frightened that i have sabotaged my own progress in various ways and have wasted years backsliding and will never “get back” any skill i did previously exhibit. do you have any suggestions for how to continue to produce art and improve even when constantly suffocated by fear

anon this is a common but unfortunate occurrencei feel this a lot too this is a very long reply because i think about this kinda stuff often, so there’s a readmore

i’ve got some advice for you, though i’m sure you’ve probably already heard some if not all of this before, so i don’t mean to talk to you like this is new magic info, but just reiterating stuff that i try to keep in mind that might work for you tooalso i want to point out that i’m not a professional remotely, so the things i’m stating are completely from my own personal experiences ….. and also i struggle with perfectionism and other things so while i give this advice i also still have trouble with the problems noted and also i use a lot of examples and comparisons when i talk because its easier for me to understand things that way

anyway:

1- you are the person who sees your art the mostthis is a very obvious thing, to state but it ties directly into a lot of what you’ve statedyou feel you lack something essential, you feel you’ve backslid and lost previous skills, and youre afraidbut think about the other art you seeyou ONLY see the end result of what everyone posts… or even if people do post in-progress pictures or speedpaints, you’re not really seeing the “scope” of it with in-progress pictures, you don’t know how much changed or how much was erased how much time was spent how much etc with speedpaints, you see all the progress but its sped up and it’s easy to feel like all of that was done faster than it really was even if youre aware its sped up

and even if you watched a realtime video of someone drawing… theres thousands of hours outside of that video of this person doodling, and even THINKING about their art that you havent seen it makes other peoples art feel a lot more.. confident? secure?

for your own art however, you are fully aware of the struggle of every line because you’re the one doing it and thinking about itit might make you feel like you’re trying so hard when everyone else has just Got it

2- experiencing art as a consumer vs a creator is a different feelingthis is directly tied to the previous idea but it’s easy to feel like you lack something essential when, instead of consuming the art, you are the one producing it 

here’s an example: i love horror contentnot all of it of course, but i love horror that really makes me think and makes me see a characters motivations and really digs in deep psychologically and sticks with you even after you’re done experiencing the media

however it is very very hard for me to make anything that is strictly horror. for a long time i thought i was just bad at it, but i realized later that i’m not missing something that helps to write/draw horror … i just experience horror different based on if i’m consuming it vs making it part of the horror appeal to me is the MYSTERYif i am writing/drawing horror, there is NO mystery! i know everything there is to know about the situation i am making! i know all the character’s motivations, i know everything there is to know about every tiny detail and even if i am writing something where i don’t know what happens so it’s a purposeful mystery (such as in this comic where i don’t know what happens if you take off the tinier beak) it sometimes feels less Cool Mystery for me and more like “oh no i don’t know this thing, oh god, i’m a bad writer”i’ve gotten over that little by little, but it’s still hard to shake that i’m “missing” something with work that ISN’T mine its easy to put meaning that may not have been totally intended and THINK that the person meant it, and thus feel like that thing is more thought-out than it actually is

you might be experiencing something similar with art… where it feels like when you see OTHER art, you feel happy or like theres a meaning there etc but with your own art, you can’t capture that same feeling… it could literally be because you know what youre going for and what youre doing because youre the one doing it

3a- old art feels better sometimes because it is more removed from youyou know better than i do in this regard if this is true to you, because sometimes people can genuinely get rusty and lose but for the most part older art tends to feel better due to the fact it is becoming more and more removed from your current state and mindsetold art starts to slowly get treated the way you read Other people’s art because you’re not staring at it constantly and you start to forget the process and effort behind the old art

sometimes you can’t see well if your new art is “better” or not because it is too current on your mind and you know how hard it is to make and if it does or doesnt match what you were going for or etc etcmeanwhile your old art starts to be viewed more objectively because you dont remember every difficult line with it, and you can see it as a bit better because you’re not bogged by the negativity

3b- even if you fell off, you can regain the skill

even if you DID get worse over time… you did it once before and you can do it againyou can learn from your old works, but also try to learn from your old mentality a lot of my old stuff was more expressive and emotivei could learn to do that again mechanically, imitating my old stuff, but a big part of why my art was that way was because my mentality was different back then i was louder, more open, etc etcthink about what’s changed within you to see reasons for things changed in your art

4a- fear only works if you’re afraid of being badit is important to be able to see ways you can improve… but it’s also important not to fear that you have areas that CAN improveif you view “making something bad” as a punishment/negative outcome your fear directs itself through all your art

the easiest point fear can attack is starting to draw at allbefore you start drawing its very easy for your mind to go “why do this? why try if it’s just going to be stressful” and all through out the process that ramps up like “see it’s just stressful why do it”

your fear seemingly offers you something to gain if you don’t even try: avoiding the pain of art altogether

but what if you were unphased by that pain? if you don’t care about making something bad, that fear can’t manifest

some artists start their day by drawing the shittiest thing they can to shake off rust and have fun doing it … drawing a cartoon character from memory, drawing and overly rendered shitpost etc now i’m not saying not to care about your quality and take a ton of shortcuts and blablait’s still good to want to learn and improve it’s just that you have to start rearranging your perspective on your steps to achieve that

4b- no-stakes neutral is no problemhow do you get rid of that fear? how do you stop feeling being bad is.. bad?

try to view arts range as neutral to positive (as opposed to negative to postive) because at it’s base that’s exactly what art is what i mean by that is…let’s say you’re trying to draw a cat (and it’s not a commission or anything). your first attempt does not look anything like a cat this is not a “bad” thing though it may feel that way your failed attempt at a cat has not stabbed you or taken money or food from you or in any way truly inconvenienced you

the base idea is that you drew something and it wasn’t what you wanted this is completely neutral.. it’s like going to look for a new shirt. if you see shirts you don’t care for, you move past them until you get to the shirt you want.your “bad art” is just that. a bunch of shirts you don’t want til you find the one you’re looking for… you don’t have to pay anything for those “bad” attemptssure they take a bit of time and if you don’t have a lot of energy you might feel bad to use it on a drawing that you don’t enjoy and it can be frustrating if you keep trying to no avail, but all in all it’s not a stark negative

art isn’t a straight pathit’s winding, it’s really confusing , and it can be tiringbut if you go down a path that’s a dead end, you just try another pathdon’t fear reaching dead ends, there are always more paths

chuck jones (an iconic animator) said he had to draw multiple drafts to get expressions just right failure is in the eye of the beholder… he felt the first drafts for those expressions did not fit what he wanted, but he didn’t fear failure because of that even if the art was not by his standards, he continued until he got the one he felt was appropriate

it takes patience to get to where you wantif you stay patient you will eventually arrive there

5- drawing and thinking go hand in handart is a blend of being able to draw and being able to problem solve through what you already knowwhen i get stressed with art it’s usually because i don’t know what the hell i’m doing with no way to check myself if i’m close to what i want or not with me it tends to happen with backgrounds or animalsthis is why ppl typically suggest learning to draw cubes, cylinders and spheres from any angle because then you can transfer that base knowledge into other objectslike, cubes can be used to draw rooms, boxes, screens, fences, etccylinders can be pipes, water bottles, arms and legs, etc

transfering base knowledge is essential in art and understanding that you can do that, even if only as a base, helps a lotwith learning how to draw a mouse, you have a starting point for learning how to draw a rat (comparing the headshapes, sizes, ears, etc)… then you can use these two as a base point for drawing a squirrel, then a rabbit etc

another example could be maybe you know how to draw claws but not fangs… you can interchange the shape of a curved claw for a curved fang easily

starting with something you know and figuring out how to transfer the knowledge is very important and can help lessen that stress because instead of not even knowing where to start, you can problem solve to figure out what you already know under different termsits just all about knowing what connections you can try and learn, and working “smart”

on that vein… 6- perfecting things doesn’t make perfectit’s very tempting to make every tiny detail as good as you possibly can… but it’s very daunting and time consumingyou should try to work “smart” here too and now what i mean by that is … say i’m making a comic. i can make the comic to the absolute best of my current ability and take forever and become extremely drained Or… i could decide to try but still set a deadline for myself, and not worry TOO much about the smaller details why is the second one better? because i will get it done. if i try very very hard my ABSOLUTE best on a comic, making sure every single line is perfect, in a few months that comic will still be outdated. it will still get old and the amount i learned from it is limitedif i give myself some leeway (still trying of course, still learning and challenging myself) and set a deadline, i learn to be disciplined in my comics, i get a comic finished, AND i learn more because i am finishing more work in general

this is a really helpful video that explains this point more in depth 

this isn’t to say you need to take the easiest routes for art that are availableit’s more like… back to the comic example, let’s say it’s like making a cake i can be a huge perfectionist about my cake, carving everything exact and putting every drop of frosting as exact as i can… but i’m still not a “master” at this i’m still learning the next time i make a cake i’m going to have to do the same situation … take forever to try to make the perfect cake

if i make a cake and still try, but accept when i don’t know how to get the exact result, my first cake is going to be a bit of a mess, but the next cake i make, i’ll be a little closer and in the time it takes Perfectionist Me to make 2 cakes, i might have already made 10 and i’ve sped up the process now and improved because i’ve learned a lot with those 10 cakes

there’s probably more that can be said about art, but i’m hesitant to try to dictate too much about how you experience your art and go about it i hope that this can help you at least a bit though

[toumakibangs]

°*TouMaki - Advent Calendar 2018*° DAY 16 - “ROOFTOP” (“A and B broke up, but now they meet at a Christmas party”) by @fantasysorceress (aka @spider-maki)

Mod’s Note: Everyone who has had the chance of talking TouMaki with me recently knows that after having wirtten novel-length fics about how perfect they are for each other, I have been very interested in the concept of them breaking up, lately (and that I have PLANS on that department). Therefore, I would have tackled this prompt myself, if @spider-maki hadn’t beaten me to it. But I’m SO GLAD she did, because I am a fan of hers, and this fic here is truly something special. Thank you for signing-up, Caroline!!! ;A;

Author’s Note: “@spider-maki here! The supporting prompt I picked for this fic was “A and B broke up, but now they meet at a Christmas party.“ It ended up kind of long, so sorry about my inability to write short fics XD I hope you guys enjoy this anyway!! Merry Christmas to all my fellow toumaki fans!!! <3″

Title: Amplified

“In my defense,” says Toudou, “this was not my fault.”

Even though he’s sitting with his back to Makishima, he can still feel the scorching blue glare burning into the back of his head like a branding iron. “Are you implying this is my fault?”

“No! I’m saying it’s no one’s fault. If anything, it was the fault of a series of poorly timed coincidences that we ended up here.”

“Here,” Makishima says sourly. “You mean, locked out on Kinjou’s roof with you, of all people.”

Toudou’s tempted to object to that statement because he has proof from dozens of fangirls that he is, in fact, great company and thus the best person one could hope to be stuck on a roof with, but he’s pretty sure that would make Makishima even more annoyed with him than he already is. He himself isn’t in the best mood, and if they get any more irritated with each other than they already are, he knows they’ll both end up saying more stuff they’ll regret later.

At least, he knows he’ll regret it later. Past experience has taught him that much. 

Toudou huffs out loud, his breath misting in the freezing air. Despite the chilly temperature, the jacket and mittens that Arakita was kind enough to throw at them are keeping him warm, and the tiled roof shingles make a surprisingly comfortable place to sit. He can see the sun setting over the neighbouring houses, painting the sky in hues of yellow and pink and casting dark shadows over the snow-topped trees. It’s a beautiful picture, and if it weren’t for the awkward tension settling thickly between him and Makishima, he would have called the atmosphere peaceful. 

“Besides, it was definitely yours,” says Makishima.

“What?”

“The reason we’re locked out here. It was your fault.”

Toudou’s mouth falls open, and he’s so taken aback it takes him a moment to find his words. “It is not! Did that punch knock your memory loose, or was it always that bad?”

“Excuse me?!”

“It was obviously not my fault,” says Toudou. “Let’s go through exactly what happened…”

<<

Kinjou and Arakita’s joint Sohoku-Hakogaku reunion Christmas party has already started by the time Toudou arrives at their house. He recognizes his old teammates’ cars parked on the driveway and lining the edge of the curb, giant snowflakes already gathering in layers of white atop their roofs. Multiple room lights are turned on inside, shining through the windows facing the street. The faint chimes of Christmas music drifts out from the house, echoing throughout the otherwise silent street, and Toudou can’t help humming along as he treks up the front steps and rings the doorbell.

The door opens after a minute. Arakita pokes his head out and snarls, “You’re late.”

“My taxi driver got lost and I don’t know the streets around here,” Toudou says breezily, brushing past him and shrugging out of his coat. He dumps it in Arakita’s arms. “You shouldn’t have moved to Chiba.”

Arakita mutters darkly under his breath, shaking the snow off his coat and angrily shoving it into the closet like he’d rather toss it into the snow outside. “And keep sharing an apartment with Shinkai? No thanks. I prefer living with someone who doesn’t have a black hole of a stomach and steals all my food.”

“Is that the only reason you moved in with Kinjou? I’m sure he’d be crushed to hear that.”

“That’s not -” Arakita breaks off with a frustrated sound. “Shut up!”

Toudou chuckles. “Fine, I won’t pry. How many people are here, anyway?  I saw Fuku’s bike on the porch and there’s so many cars outside, I didn’t know you two had invited that many people…”

His voice trails off as he catches a flash of emerald over Arakita’s shoulder. The head of green turns towards him, and Makishima’s bright blue gaze meets his for one long, terrifying moment.

Then Makishima spins around, disappearing into another room, and Toudou grabs Arakita by his shoulders. 

“You told me he wasn’t coming!” he shrieks in his face.

Arakita winces. “I only found out this morning,” he says. “He initially said he wasn’t going to come, but Kin-chan talked him into it.”

“But Kinjou knew I was coming! Why would he do that?!”

“The world doesn’t revolve around you,” Arakita says drily, extricating himself from Toudou’s grasp. “He and Tadokoro haven’t seen him in a while, not even since he moved back here.”

Toudou stops short. “Since he what?”

Arakita pauses, his eyes wide. “You didn’t know? He left England two weeks ago and bought an apartment in Tokyo. His brother’s opening a new studio there and Makishima offered to manage it.”

“How would I know that?!” Toudou screeches. “It’s not like we talk anymore!” 

“I know you don’t talk to him, but what about everyone else? Shinkai? Fuku-chan? Wonder Boy? I’m pretty sure they all knew.” 

“Well, they didn’t tell me!”

“I’m starting to realize why,” Arakita grumbles. “Is this going to be a problem? Both of you being here?”

Toudou thinks about it. While Kinjou and Arakita’s house wasn’t huge, there were enough rooms that it shouldn’t be too difficult for them to avoid each other for the duration of the party. Makishima would probably stick close to the former Sohoku members anyway. Really, there was no reason for them to interact at all. Even if by some chance they did end up together, all they had to do was ignore each other. It should be fine. They’d successfully ignored each other for the past five years, after all. 

He pastes on the most convincing smile he can muster. “No, we’ll be fine. Don’t worry.” 

>>

“Seriously?” says Makishima incredulously. “We’ll be fine? We haven’t been fine for years, or did you conveniently forget that?”

“We hadn’t even seen each other in five years!” exclaims Toudou. “I didn’t know you were going to blow up at me the second I opened my mouth!”

“You said your plan was for us to ignore each other. Talking to me sort of ruined that plan, didn’t it?”

“That was not my fault! It was because of the bear!” 

<<

The first hour of the party is fine. Better than fine - it’s fun. Toudou didn’t realize how much he missed his old teammates until he got the chance to talk with them face-to-face again. He learns that Fuku adopted a stray ginger cat while in Germany for a cycling race that he named Neko. Shinkai added streaks of white to his signature blue highlights. Izumida and Kuroda were both accepted to study abroad in America for two years. Manami, whom Toudou hasn’t met in person for almost a year, had grown another two inches and apparently moved in with Onoda. 

“That was fast,” says Toudou. “Haven’t you only been dating for a year?”

Manami smiles beatifically. “That doesn’t matter,” he says. “It’s what we both want.” 

Something hot and painful tugs at Toudou’s chest, and it tinges his answering grin with a sort of wistful pride. “If that’s the case, then it’s fine,” he says, patting his old kouhai’s head like he’s a small puppy instead of a man now slightly taller than himself. “Let me know if you or Megane-kun ever need anything!” 

Manami gives him a serious nod. “Yes, mother.” 

He runs away before Toudou can smack him.

“He’s not wrong,” someone says behind him, and Toudou turns around. Tadokoro smirks, using his wine glass as a prop to gesture at him. “You basically just offered to mother them.”

“That’s not mothering,” Toudou sniffs. “I’m looking out for them. I’m glad they’re happy, but they’re still so young. I don’t want them to make a mistake.”

“I can’t believe you don’t realize how much you sound like a mother,” Tadokoro says, amused. Before Toudou can reiterate that is not, in fact, Manami and Megane-kun’s mother, Tadokoro adds, “Not everyone’s relationship is like yours and Makishima’s, you know.” 

Toudou freezes. 

“Onoda and Manami aren’t like you two,” he says. “They got together pretty recently - they didn’t dive into a relationship right away. On the surface their decision seems like an impulsive one, but it isn’t. I know they discussed it for a long time before agreeing to give it a try.” 

When Toudou speaks again, his tone comes out noticeably cooler than it was earlier. “Are you saying that my choices in high school were an impulsive mistake?” 

“Not a mistake,” says Tadokoro. “Just that maybe, you both tried to rush things that you weren’t ready for.” 

Toudou opens his mouth, then closes it. There’s nothing he can say to disagree, not when Tadokoro’s opinion mirrors the same thought that’s been plaguing him since the day he and Makishima broke up. 

Tadokoro gives him a knowing look and drains his wine glass in one gulp. “Can you get me some more?” he asks, proffering him the empty glass.

Toudou stares at him. “And why should I do that?”

“Because I gave you advice for free.” 

“That wasn’t advice! That was criticism of my life choices!”

“Still free, wasn’t it?”

Toudou debates knocking the glass out of his hand and shattering it against the wooden floor for dramatic effect, but instead sighs and takes it. After Tadokoro’s unsolicited ‘advice’, he’s ready for any excuse to leave the room and he’s feeling the urge to get a drink for himself anyway. “Fine. On the condition that you not give me any more ‘advice’ for the rest of the evening.” 

Tadokoro heaves a fake sigh. “That’ll be tough, but I think I can manage.”

“Good.” Toudou strides out of the room without a backwards glance, narrowly avoiding walking straight into Yuuto, and heads into the kitchen. Kinjou and Arakita’s kitchen is the largest room in the house, painted pale green with pristine white cabinets encircling the walls. Platters of tempura, gyoza, and yakitori sit on the island in the centre of the room on trays featuring decorative Christmas motifs. The bottles of alcohol are lined neatly atop the marble countertop, where Makishima is pouring what appears to be vodka into his glass of soda. 

Makishima’s hand stills over the glass. He carefully caps the bottle and places it back in the line. Toudou stares at him, tamping down his impulse to turn around and flee the kitchen, and blurts out, “Long time no see.”

There’s a moment of silence. Then Makishima slowly lifts his gaze to meet his, and the withering glare he shoots him is so venomous that Toudou swears he can feel the poison tainting the air between them. “What?”

Toudou sets Tadokoro’s glass on the counter, holding up his hands in defense. “Nothing! It was just a greeting! I wasn’t implying anything!”

Makishima snorts. “Forgive me if I find that hard to believe.”

“Well, forgive me if I wanted to pretend we’re not ready to kill each other at our friends’ Christmas party!” retorts Toudou. His patience is already stretched thinner than a rope after Tadokoro’s short speech, and Makishima’s presence is fraying it further. “I thought we could at least be cordial with each other.”

“Sorry for not indulging in your fantasy,” Makishima spits out, stalking past him. “If you’ll excuse me.”

On instinct, Toudou reaches out to grab the sleeve of Makishima’s hideous red Christmas sweater. Makishima jerks back, his drink sloshing over the rim and spilling a few drops onto the tiled floor. He whirls to face him, an angry light in his eyes. “What the hell, Toudou -”

“What is your problem?” Toudou demands. “We broke up five years ago! We haven’t seen or talked at all since then! Are you really still that mad at me over something that happened so long ago?!”

Makishima’s grip on the glass tightens, looking as if he’d like nothing more than to hurl the drink in Toudou’s face. “That,” he says, his tone icy, “is none of your business.”

“Wrong! If it involves me, then it is very much my business. We’re also in Arakita’s house, and if we start at fight at his party he’s going to murder both of us. Painfully. So, it’s better if you just tell me what your problem is and we can move on from there.“

Makishima scowls at him. “You really want to know?”

“Yes!”

“Fine.” Makishima slams his glass down on the island. It wobbles, but miraculously doesn’t break. “It’s exactly what you said, about us breaking up. We’d mutually agreed not to see each other anymore. And yet, here we are.”

Toudou blinks, startled. He can vaguely remember one of them screaming those words on that fateful night, but… “I thought by not seeing each other, we meant, like, not dating anymore,” he says slowly. “Not literally never seeing each other.” Did Makishima really hate him that much, that he’d never wanted to even see Toudou ever again?

“Oh.” Makishima sways slightly on his feet. “That makes…more sense.”

A realization strikes Toudou and he leans forward. Makishima’s breath washes over him, the scent confirming his suspicions, and he frowns. “How are you drunk already? The party only started an hour and a half ago.” 

“I’m not drunk.”

Toudou rolls his eyes. “How many shots of vodka did you take, Maki-ch - Makishima?”

Fortunately, Makishima doesn’t appear to notice his slip-up. He glances up at the ceiling, counting in his head. “Eight, I think. Why do you care, anyway?” 

Toudou hesitates. 

Because I never stopped.

“Because if you faint on the floor, everyone’s going to think I somehow did it,” he says instead. “You know you can’t handle that much alcohol. Why did you drink so much?”

Makishima lets out a humourless laugh, pushing green hair out of his face. “I saw you walk in the front door,” he says. “And I knew I wouldn’t get through this night sober if I had to see your face again during the party.”

The last shred of Toudou’s self-restraint disintegrates and he narrows his eyes, moving deliberately into Makishima’s personal space and jabbing an accusing finger in his face. “Are you implying there’s something wrong with my beautiful face?”

“Oh, was it only an implication? I guess I wasn’t clear enough.” Makishima meets his furious gaze dead-on. “Sorry, I forgot that things that aren’t explicitly stated tend to fly right over your head.”

“Really?” Toudou finds himself unconsciously matching Makishima’s sarcastic tone. “I suppose that���s better than missing hints from right under your nose, wouldn’t you agree?”

To his surprise, Makishima flinches. Before he can dwell on it, a pair of hands latch onto his shoulders and drag him away from Makishima. Toudou stumbles backwards, colliding into someone’s solid chest. He glances up at the strands of auburn, blue and white hanging over his head and snaps, “Let me go, Shinkai!”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Jinpachi,” says Shinkai, far more cheerfully than the situation warrants. “You and Yuusuke look like you’re about to start a fistfight. If that happens, Yasutomo -”

“- will kill us, I know.” Toudou tugs fruitlessly at his wrist. “I won’t hit him, I promise.”

Shinkai hums and releases him. Toudou straightens, dusting off his clothes, and only then does he notice Makishima is also being restrained by Tadokoro. Until he looks closer and realizes Makishima’s eyes are closed and he’s actually slumped forward, unconscious in Tadokoro’s arms. Alarm jolts through his spine like a lightning bolt. 

“Is he okay?” 

“Yeah,” says Tadokoro, patting Makishima’s cheek. Makishima doesn’t stir. “He just drank too much. Let him take a short nap, and he’ll be fine.”

Toudou breathes a quick sigh of relief. He can feel the odd look Shinkai is giving him, but decides to ignore it for now and watches as Tadokoro lifts Makishima like a ragdoll and carries him out of the room. Without Makishima there, the strained air in the room is gone and Toudou can think clearly again. 

He groans aloud, adjusting the hairband on his head and fixing the violet strands that had fallen out his place during his argument with Makishima. Why did he even speak to Makishima in the first place? More than that - why did he stop Makishima from leaving the kitchen? If he hadn’t, they would have continued ignoring each other as they’d successfully done until their chance encounter in the kitchen, and Toudou wouldn’t be left with the sick feeling in his gut roiling his emotions like a kitchen blender.

“Jinpachi.” The gravity in Shinkai’s voice catches his attention. “Are you okay?”

“Of course,” says Toudou. “Why wouldn’t I be? I’m not the one who knocked himself out drinking too much.”

“You still like him, don’t you.” There’s no question in Shinkai’s tone. Just a dawning revelation. “You said you were over him, and we believed you, but -”

“- But nothing!” Toudou says sharply, cutting him off. He takes a deep breath. “Please, just…pretend you didn’t see any of this. I need to be alone for a bit.”

Shinkai studies him for a few seconds, and whatever he sees makes him grin and shoot Toudou the signature finger guns he’s never given up even after graduating from Meisou. “You got it. Arakita said we’re eating in about half an hour, so you should get back here before then.”

“Thanks, Shinkai.” In a brief attempt at reclaiming his normal self, Toudou grins and pats Shinkai’s shoulder. Shinkai nods, but the understanding in his eyes makes the sick feeling in his stomach worsen. Toudou turns quickly, the crafted mask slipping off his face as he brushes past him and heads upstairs by himself.

He decides not to intrude in any of the closed room doors on the upper level and instead sits on the topmost step of the staircase. As the noises from the party fades to background din, Toudou leans his head against the wall and thinks about nothing. 

>>

“So that’s where you went,” Makishima mumbles to himself. “When I woke up, I thought you disappeared.”

Toudou huffs a laugh. “You must have been overjoyed.” 

Makishima doesn’t reply, and Toudou interprets his silence as agreement. He breathes out, watching the white mist swirl in rings before him. Maybe it’s his imagination, but somehow the air between them doesn’t feel as cold as it was minutes earlier. 

“What Shinkai said,” Makishima says suddenly, and Toudou stiffens. “About me. Is that true?”

Toudou is glad Makishima still has his back to him and can’t see the panic he knows just flashed across his face. He wasn’t ready for that conversation with Shinkai in the kitchen, and he’s definitely not ready for it with Makishima now, not when they’re on a roof and it would be easy for Makishima to push him off in a fit of anger and claim it was an accident.

“Don’t listen to him,” says Toudou, struggling to keep his voice even. “You know how Shinkai is - always joking about something.” 

“I don’t, actually, since I’ve never spoken to him one-on-one.” He hears Makishima shift into a more comfortable position, the fabric of his jacket crinkling as he settles. “Are you saying he was wrong?”

“Well…I wouldn’t say that either.”

“Then which is it?!”

“It doesn’t matter,” Toudou says quickly. “I’m still trying to prove to you that it wasn’t my fault we’re stuck on this roof, and there’s still one more incident to cover.”

“Oh, right,” says Makishima. “The one that was so obviously your fault that I’m looking forward to how you’re going to twist it in such a way that makes you look good.”

“Excuse you, I always look good.” The automatic response leaves his mouth before he can stop it and Toudou cringes, waiting for Makishima to yell at him some more. To his shock he hears a muffled chortle instead. Almost like Makishima is trying to hide his amusement into his gloves.  

The sound sends a pang through Toudou’s heart, a weird mixture of fondness and regret wrapped in red and green, and he clears his throat before it can show on his face. 

“Now, where were we?”

<<

Arakita discovers him sulking upstairs approximately half an hour later, as Shinkai estimated, and forcibly drags him down to the table in the dining room. Even in his foul mood, Toudou’s able to appreciate the effort he and Kinjou had put into transforming the fairly nondescript room into an aesthetic Christmas scene. Strings of gold tinsel hang around the room in draping loops along the walls and windows. A tall vase of red and white flowers sits in the centre of the rectangular table. Sixteen plates and cutlery sets are arranged neatly at each place setting, the porcelain white dishes decorated with red, green and gold designs etched into the outside curves of the dishes. The smell of apples and cinnamon burns in the air. 

By the time he and Arakita enter the room, everyone else is already seated. Toudou glances over their chairs, nudges Arakita with one elbow, and whispers, “Why are the only two seats that are left both in the same half of the table where Makishima is sitting?”

“We didn’t put a name on each seat - this isn’t a wedding!” Arakita hisses. “Do you think we’re executing a conspiracy against you two? It just happened that way! If you don’t want to sit at the table, you can sit in the kitchen by yourself!” 

Toudou pouts at him. “There’s no need to be so mean, Arakita.”

“Then stop spouting nonsense and pick a damn seat.”

Sliding into the chair that’s positioned a little farther from Makishima, Toudou angles his body in the direction away from him and quickly engages in conversation with Fukutomi, who’s sitting beside him. He’s still uncomfortably aware of Makishima picking at his cabbage salad across the table and the way he’s also deliberately avoiding any possible eye contact. The knowledge should have been relieving, but instead it leaves Toudou feeling even emptier than before. 

As he scoops out a few pieces of fried chicken onto his plate, Toudou suddenly realizes the whole room has gone quiet and looks up. Everyone, including the younger former Sohoku riders whom he doesn’t even recognize, are staring at him and Makishima like they can sense the boiling tension between them and are waiting for one of them to explode. With great difficulty, Toudou bites back the urge to scream at all of them. Either Tadokoro and Shinkai tattled about their fight in the kitchen, or the terrible relationship between the two of them is so palpable that even Manami, who looked ready to fall asleep in his miso soup when Toudou walked in, is now looking between them like he’s expecting one of them to deck the other any moment.

Toudou forces a laugh, and it rings hollow in the noiseless dining room. “Why are you all so quiet? This is a Christmas party! We should all be celebrating!” He grabs the wine glass in front of him, who someone - probably Arakita - had filled with champagne earlier and lifts it in the air. “How about a toast for the holidays?”

For a moment, no one moves. Then Onoda, with a tentative smile, raises his glass and clinks it against Toudou’s, and Toudou mentally reminds himself to buy the kid a very nice birthday present the next year. 

“Merry Christmas!” Manami chimes in, tapping his own glass to Onoda’s, and that breaks the spell. The rest of Toudou’s old Hakone cycling team toast their glasses, Izumida nearly spilling his drink when he knocks it too enthusiastically against Shinkai’s, and soon the Sohoku guys join in too.

Except for one.

“Yuusuke,” says Kinjou, his glass raised with one hand and gesturing at Makishima’s untouched drink with the other, “Merry Christmas.”

“It’s not.” Makishima’s voice is hoarse and barely audible, but somehow it carries across the whole table. “I won’t toast to a lie.”

“Makishima…” Kinjou’s tone drops in a warning, but Makishima is either still a little drunk or he doesn’t care, because he keeps talking. 

“You guys don’t have to pretend everything’s fine. I know that because Toudou and I aren’t on good terms anymore, it’s affecting everyone’s mood.” Makishima glances at Kinjou. “You shouldn’t have asked me to come. We’re just ruining the party that you and Arakita worked so hard to arrange, and I’m sorry -”

“Wait a minute,” Toudou interrupts, and silently apologizes to Arakita for the scene he’s sure they’re about to make. “We’re ruining the party? I’m here trying to cheer everyone up and get them back in the Christmas spirit! You’re just dragging them back down with your negativity!”

Makishima snorts a laugh, the sound even more fake than the one Toudou let out minutes earlier. “That’s just like you,” he says. “Thinking everything can be fixed by forcing your own happiness onto other people.”

That stings, more than anything Makishima’s said all evening, but Toudou’s gotten better at hiding his real feelings from others and he presses on. “And what exactly do you mean by that, Makishima?”

“Kuha! You know exactly what I’m talking about.”

“Um,” says Tadokoro. “Guys, maybe now isn’t the best time -”

“If you’re referring to me asking you to move in with me after high school,” Toudou says loudly, “then I wasn’t forcing my happiness on you! It was only a question!” 

Makishima lets out a derisive snort. “Oh, it was only a question? I think that got lost in the translation when you started screaming at me after I turned down your offer.”

“I wasn’t mad that you turned me down!” Toudou objects. “I was mad that you conveniently forgot to mention you were moving to England when you had known for five months beforehand!”

Makishima looks at him askance. “Did you think I forgot to mention it? I didn’t tell you on purpose, because I knew you would react as badly as you did!”

“Of course I reacted badly!” Toudou screeches. “We were in a relationship for a year! By then I thought you trusted me with important information about your life decisions, but that turned out be the worst assumption I’ve ever made, didn’t it?”

“I wasn’t obligated to share every detail about my personal life with you just because you were my boyfriend! You know I’m a private person - I have to keep some secrets to myself until I’m ready to share them. You never had the right to demand to know them!”

“I didn’t,” Toudou begins hotly, then stops short.

Because maybe he never really considered it from Makishima’s point of view, and Makishima’s accusation that he demanded information from him - that is what he’d done, wasn’t it? That fateful day Makishima had, likely unintentionally, broken his heart with a few carelessly spoken words, and in his disappointment Toudou had thrown his hurt feelings in Makishima’s face and blamed them on him. He’d pushed Makishima too far, something Toudou had realized not long after he slammed the door in Makishima’s face and had a few days to cool off, but it never occurred to him that during their fight, he’d dug up Makishima’s insecurities and used them as verbal weapons against his then-boyfriend.

Releasing his held breath, Toudou places his glass back on the table. “That wasn’t my intention. To ask for more than you were prepared to give.”

Makishima scoffs. “You didn’t realize it, maybe, but that was definitely your intention.”

“Not to hurt you!” Toudou shouts, slamming his hands against the table and making the plates and silverware rattle. Onoda jumps and squeaks in alarm but that barely registers in his mind, all of his attention now focused on Makishima glaring balefully at him. “You said I was forcing my happiness on you? If that’s true, then it was only because I thought it was what you wanted! I just wanted you - wanted us - to be happy!”

“In case it escaped your notice, Toudou,” Makishima growls, “you didn’t make anyone happy then, and no one is happy now.”

“And whose fault is that? I’m not the one who went radio silent for five years and decided to dredge up past grudges at a Christmas party!” 

Makishima stares at him. “I didn’t - you’re the one who suggested we never talk again just before we left! Why are you complaining about that now? Besides, communication goes two ways, and it’s not like you made any effort to reach out either!” 

“…You make it sound so easy,” says Toudou. “Like I could just call you one day and you wouldn’t either hang up immediately, or yell at me for bothering you and end the call before I could get a word in. Because that’s what you do best, isn’t it? Run away from things you don’t like?”

“That’s rich, coming from you,” says Makishima, “when you’re the one who left in the first place when things didn’t go your way.”

“I was upset, as you well know,” Toudou says irritably, “and I did go back the next day, but by the time I got there your mother was kind enough to inform me that you’d decided to stay with the bear for the rest of the month and probably didn’t want to see me anymore!”

“I…” Makishima blinks, seeming surprised. “You came back? Why?” 

Toudou fumes. 

Because I missed you!

“Because we needed to talk, properly! But you left and I didn’t hear a word from you!” He stands up, leaning across the table as close to Makishima as he can without falling. “It’s like I said! You run away when you’re afraid!”

Makishima’s eyes narrow. They’re close enough that Toudou can see his dilated irises, can faintly feel the warmth of his breath against the tip of his nose. “You think I’m afraid of you? Just because you think you’re the Mountain God?”

“Not afraid of me,” Toudou corrects. “Afraid of us. Of what we had, and what ended up happening to it.”

A flicker of surprise passes through Makishima’s gaze, and Toudou knows he was right. Makishima drops his chopsticks, letting them fall to the table with a clatter, and stands up to meet him eye-to-eye. For a moment, Toudou lets himself imagine that they’ll reach an understanding, fall back in each other’s good graces, and carry on with their friends’ Christmas party in high spirits. 

It’s a pipe dream, and Makishima shatters it with one sentence. 

“You were afraid of us too,” he says, “or did you think I’d forget that it was you who said you’d rather be miserable without me while I was in England, instead of trying to force something neither of us wanted?”

The memory of the last words Toudou ever spoke to Makishima for five years crashes into his head like a wrecking ball, and suddenly he’s seventeen again, furious and heartbroken and screaming out the ugliest thoughts he had in an attempt to protect the last remnants of the euphoria he’d felt when he bought a new apartment with the intention of rooming with his boyfriend for the next four years. Some of what he’d yelled out was true, some were a downright lie, but in the end it didn’t matter whether they were true or not - they both said whatever they could to make the other hurt, and it worked too well. 

Toudou makes a noise that’s dangerously close to a whimper, hands clenching into fists at his side. For a second he sees Makishima draw back one step, perhaps recognizing that he may have went too far, but it’s quickly overtaken by the rage that blurs Toudou’s vision. His world turns red, darker than the scarlet Christmas decorations hanging around Arakita’s house, and he grabs Makishima’s collar to tug him closer. 

Makishima opens his mouth to say something, and Toudou punches him in the face. 

“Shit!” Makishima staggers backwards. The room dissolves into a babbling chaotic mess. Someone screams - it sounds like Ashikiba - and an arm is locked around Toudou’s throat in an instant, yanking him back and away before he can hit him again. Toudou struggles against Arakita’s vice-like grip as Kinjou holds out the ice pack he summoned out of nowhere and presses it to Makishima’s nose. 

“Did he break anything?” asks Arakita. 

Kinjou lifts the ice pack, peering at Makishima’s face. “I don’t think so. Yuusuke, do you feel any pain?”

“I’m fine,” Makishima mutters, batting the ice pack away from him. A black bruise is already blossoming on his left cheekbone, a dark contrast against his pale skin. “Toudou couldn’t hurt a flower if he punched it.”

Toudou redoubles his efforts to escape. “Excuse me?!”

“Okay, that’s the last straw,” Arakita says abruptly, tightening his hold and nodding at Kinjou. “Bring him too.”

Toudou swears he sees a small smirk grace Kinjou’s face before his usual stoic expression returns and he takes Makishima’s arm. Arakita leads them upstairs, past the step where Toudou was sitting earlier, and stops in front of the wide bay windows facing the street outside. The snowfall has lightened, falling in gently drifting flurries and leaving a coating of white over the roof tiles of Arakita and Kinjou’s garage. An airplane flies overhead, and the low drone of its engines makes Toudou aware of how quiet it is compared to the shouting match he and Makishima held in the dining room. 

He winces. “Arakita, about what just happened -”

“Save it!” Arakita barks, flipping the latch on the windows and pushing them open. The freezing air rushes into the room, dropping the temperature about ten degrees and raising the hairs on Toudou’s arms. 

“What are you doing?” he complains. “It’s cold! Close the window!”

“Nope,” he says, moving past them to open the nearby closet and pull out two sets of winter gear, complete with jackets, gloves, and boots. He tosses one at Toudou and the other at Makishima. “You disrupted the whole party and ruined everyone’s night. This is your punishment.”

“Punishment?” Makishima repeats weakly. “Look, I’m really sorry -”

“I said I don’t want to hear it!” Arakita snaps. “Kin-chan and I already decided on this beforehand.”

Makishima shoots his friend a betrayed look. “Decided on what?”

“We’re kicking you both out,” says Kinjou, pushing up his glasses. “Onto the roof. We’re going to lock the window, and you’re not allowed to come back out until you resolve your differences and promise not to negatively interfere with our Christmas party any longer.”

“Or until you get into another fight and push each other off the roof.” Arakita shrugs, a wicked grin curving his mouth. “Either way, our problem is solved.”

“Hang on a second,” Toudou says, mounting panic flooding his brain, “you can’t leave us alone out there! It’s minus two degrees outside!”

Arakita points. “That’s what the jacket and gloves are for.”

“We’re going to kill each other,” says Makishima. “What if you’re charged with accessory to manslaughter?”

“Yeah, nice try. It’s not going to work.” Arakita lifts Toudou like he weighs nothing more than a sack of potatoes and shoves him through the window. “I don’t care whether you kill each other up here, but try not to spill any blood on the roof. The construction only finished two weeks ago and if we have to pay to fix it, I’m taking the money from Toudou’s bank account.” 

“What?” Toudou shrieks as Kinjou gently but forcefully bundles Makishima out the window. “Why mine?” 

“Because you threw the first punch, so I’m blaming you for any subsequent punches,” says Arakita. “We’ll come back when you’re ready to stop scaring the younger kids.”

“Have fun,” adds Kinjou.

The window locks behind them. 

>>

“And that’s what happened,” Toudou finishes triumphantly. 

Makishima gives him a bewildered look. “Why do you sound happy about that? You didn’t prove your point at all. You’re the one who punched me in the face.” 

“Yes, but that’s because you made fun of me first,” Toudou explains. “Which happened because I taunted you. All of it can be traced back to when we happened to meet in the kitchen, or if we’re looking even further back, the fact that we both came to this party without knowing the other would be there.”

Makishima mumbles something Toudou can’t make out.

“What?”

“I said, I knew you were coming,” he says. “Kinjou told me beforehand.”

Toudou’s mouth drops open. “And you still showed up?” he squawks. 

“I thought the same as you - that I could avoid you the whole time,” says Makishima. “I forgot that you liked to go poking into other people’s business, especially mine.” 

“That’s not what I -” Toudou cuts himself off, flopping backwards onto the roof and ignoring the cold flash of snow suddenly gathered against his neck. He closes his eyes. “Nevermind. I’m too tired to fight anymore. You can push me off the roof, if you want.”

Makishima doesn’t say anything for a full minute. Toudou almost fears he’s actually considering pushing him off until he says quietly, “That’s not what I want.”

Toudou snorts. “That’s a relief - that’d be a terrible way for someone as gorgeous as me to die. Good thing you don’t hate me enough to kill me.”

“I don’t -” Makishima exhales. “I never hated you, Toudou.” 

Toudou’s eyes shoot open and he sits up, fast enough to make his head spin from the sudden movement. “What?”

Makishima’s gaze is piercing. “Do you hate me?”

“Yes! No! I don’t -” A frustrated sound escapes him and Toudou looks away. “I don’t know. I didn’t think I hated you, but that moment just before I hit you - I was really, really mad at you.”

“I could tell,” Makishima says drily. 

“I am sorry for punching you, though.”

Makishima waves off his apology. “It’s fine. I kind of deserved it. It doesn’t even hurt that much, so I guess I was right about you not being able to throw a decent punch.”

Toudou wants to be offended, but he doesn’t want to destroy the wordless truce they’ve agreed on and settles for a shrug. “It’s strange,” he says. “I was angry, and I wanted to hurt you, but at the same time - I didn’t really want to hurt you.” He looks down at his fingers, reflexively clenching them into a fist. “I heard people usually injure their hands the first time they punch someone, and yet I’m fine. I don’t think I used my full strength, even though I’m sure I meant to.”

“Huh.” Makishima scratches the side of his nose, tinted pink from the cold air. “Whether you meant to or not…I’m sorry, too. For what I said. I shouldn’t have said it in front of everyone like that.”

Toudou sighs, tucking his legs closer to his body and wrapping his arms around his knees. “I didn’t like it, but I said some pretty nasty stuff about you too,” he admits. “We were both acting stupid.”

Makishima barks a laugh. It’s as self-deprecating as always, but something about the familiar sound is comforting to Toudou’s ears. “Guess we haven’t changed much from all those years ago.”

“Maybe not,” says Toudou, “but it was cathartic, I think. To yell at you like that. Don’t you agree?”

“Well, I’ve found it cathartic to yell at you since the day we met, so…”

“Rude, Maki-ch - argh!” It’s rare for Toudou to feel this embarrassed, but in this moment he wishes he could sink through the roof and disappear from Makishima’s sight. He buries his face in his hands with a groan.

A gloved hand touches his shoulder, tentative like it’s afraid Toudou will break if it grips too hard, and the contact shocks Toudou enough to lift his head. “Eh?”

“You almost called me that back in the kitchen, too,” Makishima observes. Before Toudou can deny it, he sighs. “I don’t care what you call me, Toudou. I’m not going to get mad at you over a nickname you’ve always used anyway.”

“Are you sure?” Toudou says hesitantly. “I didn’t think it would be appropriate, considering we’re not, well, close anymore.”

“I didn’t think you of all people cared about what was appropriate or not.”

“I just didn’t want you to hate me any more than you already did.” 

Makishima looks taken aback. “I said I never hated you -”

“I didn’t know that before!” On instinct, Toudou clasps Makishima’s hand on his shoulder, squeezing his fingers between his. “I know I said you got scared and ran away from our relationship, but I got scared sometimes too, you know?” His mind flashes back to his conversation with Tadokoro and maybe you both tried to rush things that you weren’t ready for. “We didn’t communicate, not properly,” he says, the realization hitting him as he says the words. “That’s why we fell apart, isn’t it?”

Makishima’s voice softens. “Maybe,” he says. “We don’t know what would have happened if we’d stayed together when I moved to England. But that was likely our biggest problem, yes. I wouldn’t say it was our only obstacle, but it did ruin our relationship in the end.”

Toudou swallows. While he’d obviously missed going on dates with Makishima, that wasn’t what had hurt the worst during those first few painful months. It was losing Makishima as one of his best friends. He’d grown so used to calling and texting Makishima on a whim about things from trivial information, to advice on cycling, to just wishing to hear Makishima’s voice, that suddenly not being able to do it anymore had been torture. His excitement about graduating and heading to university had all but dissipated, leaving nothing but regrets and what-ifs for him to carry into the future.

“I didn’t hate you,” Toudou says, testing the words, and he’s relieved to find they don’t taste like a lie. “I just missed you, so much, and it hurt. I didn’t hate you. I hated that we’d ended on such bad terms and you were a million miles away before I could try to fix us. I hated that I was sure you hated me. I hated that I couldn’t hate you no matter how much I wanted to.” He moves his hand from Makishima’s to his own face, pressing his fingers against his eyelids in an attempt to stop the tears he can feel leaking out. “Most of all, I hated that it was my fault.”

“What? Toudou, didn’t we just establish that it was both of our faults?”

“I asked you to move in with me, without warning, and you rightfully flipped out.” Toudou tries to laugh, but the choked sound he makes can’t be mistaken as anything but a sob. “I should have asked what you thought of the idea before suddenly springing that on you.”

“That’s not your fault, Toudou.” Makishima rubs a hand against his own face. “I never told you I was graduating early, so you didn’t expect to have to ask about that yet. And you wanted it to be a surprise, I get that. I was just, you know, surprised.” 

“You hate surprises.”

“Well, yes, but you were also trying to be romantic, right?” A pretty flush covers Makishima’s cheeks. “I only realized that days later.”

“I figured as much, Maki-chan.” The name slips out by accident. Toudou bites his tongue, but doesn’t take it back. “You wouldn’t recognize a romantic gesture if it hit you over the head with a brick -”

“Oi!”

“- and I knew that even before we started dating.” He offers him a smile. “It’s fine.”

“That’s not a good excuse, though,” Makishima says, looking down. “You made more of an effort to understand me than I did at getting to know you. I accused you of trying to force our relationship, but that’s better than what I did - I didn’t try nearly hard enough to keep us together.” 

More tears slide down Toudou’s cheeks in rivers. “Maki-chan…”

“That wasn’t fair to you. And I think…that’s why I ran away to England.” Makishima breathes out. “You deserved better than me.”

Toudou stares as Makishima continues to studiously avoid looking at him, his gaze firmly set on the pitch-black horizon. Then he can’t help it - he lets out a genuine laugh, his shoulders shaking with the force of trying to hold in his amusement. He’s still crying, can still feel the salty warmth against the chill of his skin, but his mood is significantly lighter. 

Makishima, on the other hand, is gaping at him as though Toudou has lost his mind, an offended expression taking shape on his face. “Are you laughing at me?” 

“Not at you!” Toudou reassures him, wiping the tears from his eyes. “I’m laughing at us. It’s not actually that funny, it’s just - I realized we really are the same kind of stupid.”

Makishima arches an eyebrow.

Toudou spreads his hands out, a little helplessly. “I let you go because I thought you deserved better than me.” 

“You -” Makishima looks astonished. “What?”

“I almost bought a plane ticket to England,” says Toudou, and the memory almost sends him into another fit of hysterics. “I’d filled out all the details online and was all set to order. But I didn’t - I couldn’t go through with it. I thought, what was the point? Even if we somehow made up - which at the time seemed highly unlikely - I wasn’t going to stay in England, and you weren’t coming back to Japan. I thought you’d be better off living your life freely the way you wanted, instead of feeling like you were stuck until you grew too tired of me.”

“I see it now,” he continues, voice trembling. “We really didn’t talk at all, did we? Not about the important things. You said I tried harder to understand you, and I did try, but I could have also just asked you about your thoughts instead of always trying to figure things out behind your back.” Toudou presses his lips together. “I know I already said it, but I really am sorry about that. I should have talked to you directly first.”

Makishima frowns at him. “You know, I think you’ve said ‘sorry’ more times today than I’ve ever heard you say in your entire life,” he says. “It’s not like you, and it’s making me uncomfortable.”

Toudou splutters. “You said it too, and you don’t usually say it either!”

“Ha, that’s true.” Makishima picks at the fabric on his gloves, tearing at a tiny hole in the green thread. “How about we both acknowledge that the blame for our breakup lies on both of us, and promise to stop apologizing for it?” 

A promise. When was the last time he and Makishima made a promise together?

“Okay,” says Toudou. “I promise.” 

“And please stop crying,” adds Makishima, glancing at him. “That’s also making me uncomfortable.” 

Toudou chuckles, using his gloves to brush away the last of his tears. “I see you’re still allergic to emotions after all these years.”

“Shut up.”

Stretching out his legs, Toudou lies back on the roof tiles and looks up at the stars high above them. They’re partially obscured by the drifting clouds and falling snow, but he can still spot several tiny pinpoints of light in the sky. He raises his hands, framing right angles with his thumb and index finger, and tests them against the stars.

“What are you doing,” Makishima deadpans. 

“We’re still locked out here until Arakita or Kinjou comes back to free us,” says Toudou. “So we might as well find something to do. I’m seeing whether I can recognize any of the constellations.”

“I’m surprised we can even see the stars in this weather. I doubt you’ll find a complete constellation.”

Toudou shrugs. “Maybe, but you never know until you try.”

Snow crunches under Makishima’s jacket and pants as he lies down beside Toudou. He shifts closer, close enough for their shoulders to touch and for Toudou to feel the warmth emanating from Makishima’s body heat. He instinctively burrows into the source of warmth, leaning his head into the juncture between Makishima’s shoulder and neck, and he hears his sharp intake of breath. Makishima doesn’t say anything, though, merely readjusts into a more comfortable position.

They’re silent for several long minutes, Toudou continuing to search the sky with Makishima’s quiet breathing in his ear. Eventually, Makishima asks in a voice as soft as the snow under their backs, “Toudou, what are we doing?”

“Looking at the stars -”

“You know what I’m talking about,” he says impatiently. “Just now, you said even if we somehow made up, which at the time seemed highly unlikely. At that time.” Makishima’s voice cracks. “What about now? What exactly were you trying to say?”

Toudou lowers his hands, carefully considering his next words. “I wasn’t saying anything that I’m forcing us to do,” he says. “I was just suggesting that now, I wouldn’t mind if we became friends again.”

Makishima chews on his bottom lip. “Just friends?” he asks.

“Just -” Toudou blinks, rolling onto his side to face him. “What are you trying to say?”

“I…” Makishima coughs, his face reddening. “You know I’m not good at talking, especially about my feelings. But that’s how I screwed up last time, so that’s why I want to tell the truth now. And the truth is…I’m still in love with you.” 

Toudou stares at him. Disbelief and a hint of something else, something unexpected but definitely pleasant, melts in his veins like thawed frost and he pinches the skin on his arm to make sure he isn’t dreaming. The flare of pain alerts him to the fact that yes, he is sitting on Arakita and Kinjou’s roof in the middle of winter while his ex-boyfriend confesses he still loves him. Toudou is sure he can count on one hand the amount of times Makishima had verbally expressed his affection for him, and the knowledge that he’s willing to do so now, when they’d been fighting less than an hour ago, means more to him than he could ever say in words, and his eyes well up again. 

“It’s okay, if you’re not anymore,” says Makishima. “I don’t expect -”

“Maki-chan,” Toudou cuts him off, grinning through his tears. “Did you really think I ever stopped?”

Makishima gives a tentative smile back. With the white snowflakes in his emerald hair shining under the moonlight, Toudou thinks he’s never looked more beautiful. “I didn’t want to assume.”

“That’s why I’m telling you.” Feeling happier than he’s been in ages, Toudou moves to grip Makishima’s hand in his own, and Makishima clutches it back. “I love you too. Always have, and always will.”

Makishima lets out a slow breath. “Good. I’m glad.”

“I don’t think we should jump back into a relationship right away, though,” Toudou says, reluctantly because as much as he’s tempted to do just that, he knows it’s a bad idea considering their rocky history. “We should be friends, first. Fit each other back into our lives. And if everything works out and we’re both happy and ready, then we can try again. How does that sound?”

“Sounds perfect, Jinpachi,” says Makishima, and Toudou’s heart stutters in his chest. He shuffles closer, stretching up to place a kiss on Makishima’s cheek and threading his other hand through the familiar soft strands of green hair. Makishima shivers at the touch, his hand squeezing Toudou’s to the point where it’s bordering on painful. Toudou lingers there, his lips on Makishima’s skin, until the loud click of the window unlatching startles him into rearing back. 

“Are you idiots seriously making out on the roof?” says Arakita, sounding distinctly unimpressed. “When I said I didn’t you care if you fell to your deaths, I didn’t mean you two shouldn’t care about your own lives either!”

“We’re not making out!” Toudou shrills. 

“Does it look like I care?” Arakita retorts. “If you’re done reconciling or whatever the hell you’re doing right now, get back inside. We finished dinner already, but there’s still dessert left. Don’t expect me to save you any chocolate cake if you decide to stay here forever.”

As he turns to leave, Toudou lets go of Makishima, scrambling to his feet and cupping his hands around his mouth. “Arakita!”

Arakita whips around. “Stop yelling! The neighbours are going to call the cops on us if you’re too noisy!” 

“Arakita,” Toudou repeats, quieter but still loud enough for Arakita to hear. “Thank you.”

“Tch. Whatever.” In spite of his words, there’s a smirk splitting Arakita’s face when he strides away and Toudou can’t help the delighted laugh that bubbles out of his chest.

He turns back to face Makishima, who’s watching him with a tender expression that Toudou hasn’t seen for a long time. When he notices Toudou is watching him back, he instantly breaks eye contact, mumbling something Toudou can’t hear under his breath, and Toudou’s mouth twitches into a fond smile.

“Maki-chan,” he says warmly, holding out one hand. “Let’s go.”

Makishima meets his eyes. They’re the same vivid blue as always, sparkling with an emotion Toudou can’t put into words but knows all the same. “Yeah.”

He takes his hand. 

[smuttyfairy]

Smuttyfairy Survey Response

Hello there! Jaefairy here! Thank you everyone who took the survey. There were about 140 of your guys and wow, the results were pretty interesting! :D We learn a lot about you guys! We also heard your suggestions and concerns! I hand picked a few to address and we took the time to answer some of them!

😱Concerns and Solutions😱

❓ “There are many good writers who write OH HOW TF DO THEY EVEN DO THAT kind of writers out there whose stories are being left unheard except for some people bcs they're not really doing promotions/reblogging whatever. Its the same kind of feels of HEYYY this new boygroup needs to have more attention ya know what i mean??” Response: If you guys want your favorite writers on the blog just suggest them to us! Well check them out and probably add them to the masterlists! (Admin Kook) ❓”I'm just slightly confused about Wangfairy's situation. Because it says she is inactive, but she still answers asks and stuff, so I'm confuzzled.” Response: Wangfairy (Now Hopefairy) is inactive as a writer, hence why her stories are placed under inactive in the masterlist! Hopefairy is active on the blog still as a masterlist updater alongside Smuttyfairy. (Admin Jaefairy) ❓“Sometimes there are a little bit to much interactions with followers Witch is both fu per fun to read but some times a little anoying” “When y'all answer a bunch of questions one after another individually it kind of blows up my notifications” Response: Then you should probably turn off the notifications for us lol (Admin Gil) Response #2: The best thing I can tell you to do about this is to blacklist our tags: “fic answer”, “fic question”, and “anonymous” to avoid all of that (Admin Sf) ❓ “Sometimes I try to click on links and they break either because authors choose new usernames or move blogs or what not.” “Some of the links in the compiled master list don't work😭” Response: Just let us know via message or ask and we will rectify the broken link as soon as possible! (Admin Jaefairy) ❓“Can be hard to navigate in cases of finding the answer to lost fics” Response: We’ve implemented new tags recently to help you look for your fics easier! If you check the #fic answers tag you will find the answers to the fics found so far! :) (Admin Jaefairy)

Reponse #2: Newer tags will have the type of AU and what keywords were asked about for a particular fic. To look at these tags specifically you can search manually by smuttyfairy.tumblr.com/tagged/vampire!au and/or smuttyfairy.tumblr.com/tagged/vampire!bts and etc (Admin Sf)

  ❓“Drama among haters and admins” Response: There will be drama wherever you go, we can’t exactly turn off the drama or tell people not to send in hate. We listen and if it’s a legit reason to be upset we try our best to rectify. Most drama on the blog lasts an hour or two anyways so. O: (Admin Jaefairy) ❓“The dirty talk anons aren't great but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯” Response: This isn’t much of an issue anymore since we usually don’t get dirty asks unless It’s a designated Hoe Night! During those times we let you guys know when it is so if that isn’t your thing, you can turn off your notifications or keep away from the blog for a bit. (Admin Jaefairy) ❓“All the admins are so young but I still read.” Response: Actually, the only Admin that is underage still is Xiu at 17. We rest are of age o.o. (Admin Jaefairy) ❓“I keep missing hoe nights...so hhh” Response: In the near future I’m gonna try and plan Hoe Nights a day ahead so that way everyone has a heads up! please be patient with me and gil! Also if you do miss hoe night and wanna catch up, smutty made the suggestion to tag all hoe night posts #Hoe Night. So you can always check out that tag for past fun. (Admin Jaefairy) ❓“Could maybe Write more fluff but again it is Smutty fairy lol” Response: Hopefairy was actually in charge of most of the fluff lol and all the admins prefer angst but I'll work on more fluff scenarios for you guys :D (Admin Gil)

🤔 Improvement and Solutions 🤔

❗️ ”Keep fic recs up-to-date”

”Maybe you could update more often the compiled scenarios”  ”Updated masterlists” ”Update the masterlist whenever you all get the chance, and I think that's all because you all are doing a great job with the blog.” ”Like the question above. Improvements, in my opinion, maybe maintaining links and checking ever so often if they are still active or not. I know this happens in the EXO section a lot”

Response: Most of these can be explained in our FAQs page but I’ll reiterate again here. Updating fic recs are A LOT of work. With just me and Admin Hopefairy it’s really difficult to work on updating links and compiling them as we do have our own lives outside of the blog to worry about as well. Compiling links from 1-2 blogs usually takes about 15-30m depending how much work there is and organizing and formatting the fics takes even longer usually 30m-an hour. We really try our best to work hard on this so we’re sorry it takes us so long to do them, but eventually it gets done. (Admin SF)

❗️ ”XIUFAIRY CAN STOP KILLING US WITH SAD ENDINGS” Response: I wouldn't say my endings are...sad...okay that's a lie but there's a reason they're sad :p I'm a realistic writer and not a lot of writers take a realistic edge (in many fanfics). I personally don't like fics that are happy from day one to the end because that's just...not how life is I guess. I tend to make real things happen at the worst times because that's really where they happen!! Most of my stories have moral lessons and/or lessons on what life can do to a person both singularly and in a relationship. (Admin Xiufairy) ❗️ “Make a schedule? Each day of the week for special themes. E.g. hoe night at Friday night, fics ask on Tuesdays, fics updates everyday lol” Response: This is a good idea! The problem with that is we all have different schedules. I may be available one friday, but the next friday I couldn’t be. We do ask that you guys bear with us and be patient with things like fic asks, updates or hoe nights. We have a lot going on, and we try our best to squeeze you guys in. o: (Admin Jaefairy) ❗️ ”more specific tags maybe? for answered question regarding sexuality, etc. ” Response:  We have About the admin pages that answer questions of that nature. Check our navigation page for more! (Admin Jaefairy)

❗️ ”You guys should start doing reactions and stuff!!” Response: I actually started doing reactions recently c: I’m working on finishing a group of them before I post them so you guys have a few to look at but I am working on them at this moment. Requests for reactions closed a week or so ago, but I will open it up again in the fall. (Admin Jaefairy) ❗️ ”To make things more better.. (though its not needed) I want you to open up the reactions or MTLs frequent. so that the followers and viewers keep getting updates about the blog and also new stuffs! But am a hoe tbh.” Response: (See answer above about reactions) We leave MTLs for hoe nights to not blow up the feed for all followers except on designated days. (Admin Jaefairy) ❗️  ”Maybe answers ones that pertain to the same subject on the same ask more often; like putting fic praise all together ” Response: We do this sometimes but we will work on being more adamant with it now. Thank you for the suggestion! (Admin Jae) ❗️ ”Let your followers vote on who they want in future fanfics etc” Response: I have been thinking about this since I have a few story Ideas I’d like to write but i’m not sure what would be wanted more. We will keep this in consideration and you will see something in the near future! (Admin Jaefairy) ❗️ ”Maaaybe more angsts?” ”More Fluffy Stories or Angst”  ”please post more angsty series please please please” Response: I do have an idea in mind if you guys wanted me to try *thinks* (Admin Kook) Response #2: I personally have started reformatting personal angst to share with you guys, but I will be working on less smut and more angst and fluff as the year goes on. (Admin Jaefairy) ❗️ ”More fanfiction and maybe some personal posts from admins” Response:  We do post some personal stuff when it happens from time to time, check out some under our personal tags (”About admin smuttyfairy”, etc.) I know all the writers on the blog are cooking up some news things, so look forward to them! (Admin Jaefairy)   ❗️ “you guys are great and give good advice, i'd say just delete the negative asks like that are repetitive, i don't mean it in a bad way, just like if they all shit on x admin for example, address it once then delete the rest. however since smutty said she'd just block the ip i think that also helped solve the problem” ”Don't let the assholes get to you. Delete without reply. ” Response: Say no more fam (Admin Gil) Response #2: I’m in the same boat as Gil. Whenever I see hate towards another anon in the inbox I instantly delete it, but sometimes as humans, it’s hard. We all get hurt and we want to lash out. I wouldn’t feel comfortable saying that we should delete all hate. Some hate does need to be addressed, as it’s a concern, but just worded ignorantly. I will say that we delete most hate, but if we feel compelled to answer it, we will. (Admin Jaefairy) ❗️ ”Add more information on streams/activities, individual admins so we can get to know everyone better and new people to the blog can learn about everyone” Response: We already do have an 'About the admins’ page where we share some of our favorite things but if you guys want to know more about us, just ask! As long as it wasn't answered in our FAQ’s we'd be happy to answer it. (Admin Gil) ❗️  ”well, i don't exactly like the music player since i always have my own music already playing, but it's really your choice so you don't have to listen to that lmao. and there are a looot of asks on your blog, but again - that's just people being interested in your blog so ^^” Response: Perhaps we’ll have a survey on the playlist to see who’d like to keep it on autoplay or off. (Admin Sf)

❗️  ”Maybe do more groups instead of bts” Response: Well for the most part all of the admins don't write for only bts. Xiu has exo, got7, and blackpink scenarios. Jae/Gil have written a Jay park scenario and Jae’s even working on a svt fic. All the admins are multifandom but sometimes we get ideas and it's like “hey I can see this fic working with a bts member instead of another group member” you get me? We're working on providing more multifandom content as we speak so please be patient with us. (Admin Gil)

😉What to expect from us in the future 😉

You told us what you would like to see and we addressed the top three requested! Q&As: We’re working on doing a Q&A night for 15k, stay tuned!! Live Streams: Smuttyfairy has recently started concert live streams and Admin Kookfairy and Jaefairy do streams every so often. Keep your eyes open for an announcement as we usually give you guys heads up before we start one! Ships: Ships will be added to hoe nights! When Admin Jae announces Hoe Night, he will let everyone know if he and gil are doing ships that night! :)

And that’s all folks! Thank you for the input and I hope we can be the best we can for you 💜 - Admin Jaefairy

[dr-dendritic-trees]

Hi, if you don't mind could you explain what that means because I'm lost, also what trend where you talking about here: "me, being kicked out of school for plagiarism: um you’re not entitled to my emotional labor? find the sources yourself"

um, you’re not entitled to my emotional labour.

No, I’m joking, of course I will explain.

This is a joke about an exchange you might see rattling around tumblr, usually in regards to social justice topics. Someone will ask for an explanation of or clarification on a topic, or advice on how to handle something and they’ll just be told to “educate themselves”, and sometimes told directly that asking is demanding emotional labour of minorities.

(in case you’ve not run across the term, emotional labour originated in describing the extra emotional theatre service workers are expected to perform for customers, but nowdays gets used more broadly to demands for emotional support and processing and free domestic and similar labour which is disproportionately demanded of women and other minorities).

So the joke is about the differing epistemological standards between Tumblr, where that’s appropriate and academia, where you’d actually be punished because you are, quite legitimately, expected to back up your statements.

And the reason that I reblogged it specifically in the meanest way possible is that I do not like the concept of “just educate yourself”. I really, really do not.

This is an idea that comes from a lot of good places, which is what I’m going to start with. But it also gets used in a lot of ways I find at best deeply suspect and at worst fairly toxic, which is why I was reblogging the joke in my nastiest voice.

1. I do think that if you’re going to ask someone for advice directly the polite thing to do is to exhaust your own resources first. The idea that Dr. Google should be your first stop is a good one and I don’t want to bash on it.

2. A lot of this arises from people who get deluged with questions, often invasive, and often repeatedly exerting the right to take a break. AND THAT’S DEFINITELY AWESOME. No one should be compelled to do activism. When someone says “hey can you answer my question” unless you’re actually being paid to educate them, “no” is definitely an excellent and reasonable answer. And if someone tells you their not doing the question answering thing, the only polite option is to gracefully go ask someone else.

3. Some people get tremendously picky about how other people offer them free time and effort and the call to educate yourself comes, in part from people who’ve been offered summaries and curated reading lists and demanded, instead, private lessons. Which is just bloody rude.

BUT, even though “go away and educate yourself” is a totally reasonable idea in many circumstances, as I’ve listed, there are some really icky ways I see some of this getting used.

1. I find the idea that dropping an ask in someone’s open ask box is a “demand” very suspect. Its certainly a request, but there’s no force associated with it. If I’d decided not to answer this, for instance, I could simply delete it. If I kept getting too many asks I could even close my ask box, or turn off anon. You can’t compel me to answer your ask. You can’t punish me for not doing it. (I am perfectly happy to answer this, fyi). Now, the nature of Tumblr means that searching is very hard and its easy to end up deluged with the same basic question over and over. I’m not an education blog, I get few asks and I’ve still been asked what image captions are for 5-6 times. So I get that it can be very frustrating... but its still not a demand.

2. It often seems to carry the idea that finding information is a lot easier than it actually is. Really basic information can be readily googled. But there’s huge amounts of ideas I’ve encountered during fandom conversations, or just floating through tumblr threads, or on ask blogs that I have LITERALLY been unable to find via google, even after a good few hours looking, and that’s for information that I already know. I don’t think this is malicious a lot of the time. When you’re an expert its very easy to loose track of what is and isn’t easy to find for a non-expert. But its still pretty brutal to exhaust your google-skills, go ask something and be told in so many words to “just google it stupid”.

These two aren’t so bad, they’re mostly just a case of conflicting experiences and that happens. But.

3. Even though “go do it yourself” is a great thing to say if you’re looking to avoid activism (and I’ll reiterate I think that’s everyone’s right and you should never feel bad for saying ‘no I’m done/not doing this’ about activism, God knows I do it enough) I see it being used as activism instead. And it gives me a case of the nopes. Because the person who does the educating sets the curriculum. And when you say “go educate yourself” you’re rolling the dice on if the person who does educate them is on your side or not. Especially because it is virtually impossible to fact-check something you’re unfamiliar with. There’s also often a HUGE effort imbalance. Like, sure, it takes me some effort to dig up my “here’s why image captions are a thing” post. And it took me a bit of effort to write it in the first place, but It would probably take the asker a lot longer to google it all up. And that’s a pretty simple topic. I’ve asked activist friends for reading lists before and realistically getting 20-30min help from them has saved me probably 2-3 hours. And the information quality is better on top of that.

4. While this doesn’t happen a huge amount, I see this sometimes attached to very complex issues, or or topics where opinions are very diverse and then it, quite frankly, creeps me out a bit. Because when I see “just educate yourself omg” attached to a post with a strong opinion element, even though it might not be intentional, I cannot help but perceive an undercurrent of “if you were truly educated you’d agree with me” and “how dare you ask for sources, don’t question me, just shut up and do as I say”... and those... those are not good dynamics.

[shawnjacksonsbs]

Gray, the real road less traveled    12-23-18

"There are more things in heaven and Earth, Horatio, / Than are dreamt of in your philosophy." from Hamlet by William Shakespeare

As I understand that to mean, human knowledge is so limited and a lot of things just aren't so easily explainable. On so many levels and in so many words that, to me, means there is more "gray" area than we care to admit as people who live on either side exclusively. Everything isn't usually just black and white. When navigating your way from being IN the black side to living ON the white side, you have to cross a lot of gray area. And you will have to cross it. There is absolutely no way around it. Let's not forget too, that the only map we get for the trip is customized for each individual heart. There isn't an all for one way through. "Recovery" is based solely on the person trying to get out/through, like their issues (which vary), their emotional, mental, physical, and financial health (which vary), and of course, the status and circumstances that got them to that point in life (all vary). There is no "one" right answer, although there are plenty of "in common" wrong answers. Each custom map starts with total honesty, with themselves more than anyone else. It is the one principle that should stick with them through it all. I only know this, because its the one thing that was completely different for me this time around. Thanks to this, my writing, and those few of you who still read. You know, one of the greatest joys, I have found in life is being able to ease the burden of someone else's struggle. It's more rewarding than you might think. It's a very beneficial part of my serenity, my peace of mind. Some might even say it's my program. But. . . .there is definitely a fine line between helping and hindering. Some people even call it enabling to help them at all, those who are unfortunate enough to live on that other side of life I mean. Whether it be drugs, alcohol, or whatever, it is unfortunate. It can feel at times like they are choosing to live in that struggle deliberately, but other times you know they would get out if they could. If they could only grab a hold of one the "hopes" while they are in one if their bottoms. A "bottom", by definition I suppose, should only be the one time, like once, but I feel otherwise. I am pretty sure I had a few different bottoms. It's just that all I got from those times were planted seeds in my mind. For that, I am very grateful. It's tough for me because, as I was once one of those unfortunates, I know for a fact, it's not all black n white. That super fine line between the two is like zooming in a million times on a painting and seeing that the black smears to white with so much gray that you can't even tell unless you're in it, examining it. I have lived in/on both sides of this life and I know that the gray is just as an important a stage as the black and the white are. It's the transition stage which truly determines whether or not you are truly going to make it out sane and serene. It's hard to explain. I know, personally, I will go the extra mile to find those little comprises in the help I give, so it doesn't shift too much to the hindering side of things when I can, because I know how important it is to feel that love you so desperately need while you transition. I don't blame those who can't. I get it. But I can't do any less than I do. My soul wouldn't allow me any peace if I could do more. Watching the help you give get flushed down the toilet again, and again, and again and repeatedly feel taken advantage of, can get real old, real quick though. So I really do get it. I suppose those of us who make it out have a little more strength and patience for those still lost out there in the shit, because we've been them, we've been there. Although it is sometimes very tough for me, like not wanting one of my kids to go hungry, or without shelter, knowing that my money will specifically go to groceries helps, but only because other money before mine goes on shit. It's all rationalizing, but the little comprises appease my soul as we wait for another "I'm done" hoping and wishing against all odds, that it's the last one. Plus, the closer the relationship you have with them, the more refined your comprises will become. "Here's a gift card, because cash will go to drugs", etc. I hope if anyone reading this is living on either side of this kind of relationship, you have people to turn to for advice on what to do next, and where to go. Those of you still lost, I hope you find your way out before it's too late. It'll be worth it if you stick it out. I'm living proof. Just ask my family. This time of year can be all the harder, or more difficult for those on any side of these kinds of relationships. Holidays were always super hard for me because the guilt would build up so much more than normal, I usually needed more dope to avoid them altogether. I think I would probably be more patient with a loved one during this time. May just be me though. Real quick, I should probably reiterate on a bit of last weeks entry. Although, I am pretty sure the universe was testing me and in the areas I mentioned, like unrealistic expectations, that the financial end didn't stay like that hardship. Plus, the person that I said I put my trust in, that led me to believe one way, actually came through. I have a little more financial cushion now, and he didn't let me down. That latter was/is more important to me than you know. I was so confused by it all, and who is to me as a stand-up person. It all makes sense now though. I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas and love surrounding them. I know my day is going to be spent taking 18 members of my extended family, to include little kids, to see “Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse”. I hope I am not the only one, besides the kids, who enjoys the day! lololol Remember to share the love and the laughter with the world around you, and please, please be kind to one another. Kindness is going to save the world one day. By the way, I only have 5 more work days left before I can finally go home. It's so close. Until next week; "Times of transition are strenuous, but I love them. They are an opportunity to purge, rethink priorities, and be intentional about new habits. We can make our new normal any way we want." - Kristin Armstrong

[lilyroseweiss-blog]

Teen Vogue Stays In Vogue: Keeping Up with the Times by Trying to Represent Them

I haven’t picked up an issue of Teen Vogue in a while. A couple years, kind of a while. And whether this was because I simply “grew out” of a time in which I found its content relatable, or simply thought I “should” grow out of it, either way, I definitely stopped reading. 

Thumbing through issues for today’s talking-back, I found myself subconsciously searching for maybe incredibly gendered ad-content, or specifically arduous articles about the importance of toner, that I could write disappointedly about. And, to be fair, this was a very biased perspective to enter this decision with; that Teen Vogue must pander to the insecurities or questions of teens in stereotypical ways (and admittedly, I very possibly was evoking ideas about other magazines on the present one, but that’s another issue) that I could push back against. 

Instead, however, I found an issue with none other than Hillary Rodham Clinton, against a backdrop of an artistic American flag, displayed proudly on the cover. While this wasn’t entirely surprising—during and in the wake of the election one could find Hillary Clinton’s face on many a cover—however, I was enticed as to how a teen-centric magazine would utilize such imagery and evocation. Hillary Clinton’s face is paired with the headline, “nevertheless, WE RESIST”—a clearly even more specifically pointed indication of what the pages went on to hold. I was intrigued, surprised, and curious about what might be between the cover page and Tampax® ad on the last. 

And while I feel passionate about multiple topics presented within the issue, such as writing responses to the five amazing young “trailblazing talents” listed on Teen Vogue’s “21 Under 21”(edited Nylander 58) and the questions they asked the former Secretary of State, or the article titled “Squad Goals (edited Nylander 16) detailing the lifelong bond of previous Clinton staffers—and the suggestions the article posits, or the detailed exploration of the powerhouse that is Congresswoman Maxine Waters in order to reiterate the work and strength she represents, attempting to accomplish all this in one post runs the risk of leaving each feeling unfinished or incomplete (at least, I think. Final project maybe?). Moreover, I wanted consciously avoid simply airing frustrations that I feel so often spin me around in circles, only to come out of such a tornado without any answers. 

So, all this is to say that, I really appreciated the headline “WHY I MARCH” by Kimberly Drew, the title of an article exploring the writer’s own discovery of purpose in the wake of anger. And, like many others, the last election left me angry. Disappointed—yes, confused—definitely, temporarily disheartened—unfortunately, but also really just angry. Additionally, weeks later I left to study abroad for a semester, a departure date that left me incapable of going to the first Women’s March (at least, specifically termed as such), an event I saw as an important opportunity to pushback, and channel my anger into something good. 

This past winter, I had better timing luck. The second annual Women’s March was to take place the day before I left to return to Grinnell, and my whole family (granted, this is my mom, my dad, and me) made sure to go. It was the warmest day of the winter so far, and the sun shined startlingly brightly. Multiple people throughout the day could be heard exclaiming, “The sun shines on the Women’s March.” And it really felt like it did.

But something else that I overheard was young marcher turn to her mother and ask, “Everyone’s marching for a lot of things. What are we marching for?” a response presumably to the wide variety of signs and cheers. This stuck with me. And I think this is what jumped out at me so significantly early on in the issue. In the Letter from the Editor, Elaine Welteroth—the person who asked Hillary Clinton to guest edit the issue—plainly states: “Some will say it’s too partisan, too political, to retrospective, too ‘echo-chambery.’ This issue isn’t for them. It was designed for the millions who acknowledge that until women, girls, people of color, members of the LGTBQ community, immigrants, and the economically disadvantaged are on an equal playing field, we must hold a space for these critical conversations” (Welteroth 12). And I think, maybe in a couple years, this might answer that little girls question. That there’s a lot to fight for. 

So, I suppose—especially in the context of this politically charged issue—this is where youth culture meets need for change. I suppose Teen Vogue has changed significantly (to an extent) from the time in which I turned to it for nail trends and fashion advice in middle school (a time unkind to most). An adult, the editor, sees a space that can be occupied by educational, motivational, and arguably encouraging pieces, and takes it, for the betterment of a younger generation. And in this way, this blog post has veered almost entirely from what I thought it would initially center upon.

So here are a couple takeaways I gathered from Hillary Rodham Clinton’s edition of Teen Vogue:

They’re still going to try to sell you perfume and face wash

Moving into the post-grad world, I’m trying to keep in mind the advice afforded by Kimberly Drew: “One cannot go to every protest, but we can all live with conviction. Ask yourself: What am I willing to fight for, and how do I make that fight part of my daily life?” (Drew 75)

Diversity is still significantly lacking in commercial representations 

Hillary Clinton doesn’t mind “seeing articles about the search for the perfect makeup remover next to essays about running for office” (Clinton 12)—not sure what to do with this information yet

“Resistance and resilience” (Clinton 12) seem like they should be written in block letters in as many places as possible

Works Cited:

**All citations from same issue, various articles and authors** 

Welteroth, E. ed. Clinton, H. R.  2017. “nevertheless: WE RESIST.” Teen Vogue, 4, December 5, Full issue.