#just to clarify that some of these people are TERRIBLE PEOPLE but they are fantastic characters

[gabessquishytum]

Hob Gadling is good looking, fun-loving, and has a certain charm of his own, but he's never been the smartest. One day, he ends up - through no fault of his own -

In jail.

(the real murderer needed a fall guy, and Hob was just too trusting, risk-confident and convenient.)

Hob is stunned by his misfortune, but there's no time to mope. He's by no means a hardened criminal, and he's heard enough horror stories about life in prison for softies like him. He needs to find a way to survive, stat.

He gets into prison and immediately starts asking around for the gang leader in here. If he can offer his services, the gang leader might find him useful enough to keep him untouched. He figures that it's probably the only way to get some protection in here. But from the way several people eye him up and down, top to bottom, lingering as if assessing him for themselves before they shrug and offer up the name, Hob gets a bad feeling about exactly what it is the gang leader might want from him.

There's no dispute over who's on top - there's not even a second runner-up. Hob hears the same name over and over again, each time in that hushed, fearful tone that borders on reverence. Apparently even the most brutal guards are civil with him. And although Hob starts to get second thoughts through second hand fear alone, his overzealous cell mate Matthew, probably hoping to get some spillover protection, all but shoves him into an introductory meeting before he can clarify his plan. Hob ends up staring mutely at a tall, very handsome man with golden hair and a smile like a knife. Hob swallows hard and the words stick in his throat. The fucker's wearing sunglasses in prison, for god's sake. He's scary enough, but then Matthew clears his throat and clarifies that that's not the top guy. That's just the Corinthian. Hob needs his approval if he wants to meet the boss.

"Hey there, little cow. Heard you were trying to get a meeting with Dream of the Endless."

Hob nods mutely, not trusting himself to speak. Hopefully it's the Corinthian who's actually the scary one, and not Dream.

---

Dreamling prison AU because I can't help thinking that shot-caller Dream would be a fantastic spin on his canon imprisonment!

I'm now completely and totally obsessed with this anon, thank you so much.

The Corinthian gives Hob a proper once over. Walks around him in a circle, feels him up through his assigned prison uniform. At last he hums, considering, and tilts his head on one side. He can see that Hob is fresh meat, that he probably won't last long without protection. And that's a good thing - it'll make him so much more grateful and easy to manipulate. So he agrees to let Hob see Dream for a little tete-a-tete.

Dream has his own cell, of course. It's full of contraband items. He's smoking a cigarette when Hob comes in, and scrolling on a phone. He gives Hob this long, cool look, like he's just a spek of dirt. Hob takes the hint and gets on his knees. This makes Dream smile slightly. Usually those who come to him for protection are not so pretty, or so willing to submit.

Hob desperately tries to wrack his brains for a way that he could be useful to this powerful, beautiful creature. But... he's not scary or big enough to be muscle, like the Corinthian. He's not clever enough to help Dream’s "business" inside the prison. He can only resign himself to offering up his body. Which doesn't seem like such a terrible thing. Dream is gorgeous, sitting like a king in his cloud of cigarette smoke.

Now he's known to be Dream’s "wife", nobody bothers Hob - in fact, they avoid him. It's a relief to know that he'll eventually make it out with his pretty face intact. A life sentence of bouncing on Dream’s cock doesn't sound so bad either... its a very nice cock, and Dream himself has a beautiful heart under his slightly terrifying exterior. Of course it would be terribly stupid to fall in love with him, but... Hob has never been the smartest. That's why he's there in the first place.

One thing's for sure - if Dream ever manages to escape prison, he's definitely taking Hob with him.

[18catsreading]

Ayda: we have to go to hell to rescue Fig

Adaine: no, no, no, she's fine

Ayda: yes we do

Adaine: she's from hell

Ayda: yes we do. She's not from hell, she's from Spyre

Adaine: I mean, are you sure?

Ayda: am I sure --?

Adaine: that you have to go? What information do you have?

Ayda: well we should just do whatever we can to make it happen as fast as possible because I'm going to get another kiss, whatever happens.

Adaine: what?

Ayda: what?

*bad kids losing it*

Adaine: what?!

Ayda: is it normal for friends to know if their friends have kissed people that they also know

Adaine: yes, tell me everything about it!!

Ayda: great. We went away for a hour from the party.

Adaine: an hour? You were kissing for an hour?

Ayda: you're elongating your sentences and pitching up so high that it makes me feel like I'm not supposed --

Adaine: I support this. I am happy about it. I am amazed. Oooh, she's secretive.

Ayda: it's good that you know this right?

Adaine: yes it's very good that I know this

Ayda: wonderful. Her lips are the softest things I've ever felt

Adaine: mm-mm. Mm-mm.

Ayda: that's not good?

Adaine: well no, I'm glad that you, I don't need to know the details about my friends kissing

Ayda: what's critical information?

Adaine: you're right, I did say, I did tell you to tell me everything and then you did, and I actually didn't need to know everything. Um. Wow.

Ayda: if you kiss someone -- I have some questions for you as oracle.

Adaine: yes, okay

Ayda: in how many potential futures does fig not want to kiss me and be around me anymore. And can those futures be avoided?

Adaine: unfortunately that's not really how being the Oracle works [longer explanation here] ...

Ayda: Terrible. If someone kisses you does that mean de facto that they are attracted to you, or is there a possibility that someone would kiss you for some other reason?

Adaine: I think -- from a purely academic standpoint --

Ayda: perfect. I am an academic

Adaine: fantastic. I would say that on a macro level there are probably people who would kiss you without caring about you, but I don't think that Fig would do that, because Fig cares about everybody.

Ayda: are you saying this as Oracle or because you have knowledge of Fig that would lead you to this conclusion?

Adaine: yes.

Ayda: both, excellent. If we kissed a bunch of times over the course or an hour. Does that mean we are girlfriends or wives? And what --

Adaine: I mean, I'm gonna say no on wives

Ayda: good. There's a ceremony, that's formal.

Adaine: yes.

Ayda: much easier. A better system

Adaine: girlfriends I would say -- lots of times over the course of an hour I would say potentially but I think it's reasonable to ask tj clarify.

Ayda: mhmm. Okay, and if I were to ask Fig to clarify if we were girlfriends or dating each other, will that make me on a social level look sad, weird, or not normal?

Adaine: I don't think that you should worry about -- the first answer is no. But also, if you like a person and they like you and the relationship is good, it shouldn't matter how other people feel about it. I think.

Ayda: the variables involved in the equation you've posited are so fuzzy as to be maddening

Adaine: I don't think that you're sad or weird. And I think that you're dating

Ayda: thank you

[dasboligrafo]

Illinoise -- May 24, 2025 @ St James Theatre

Oh my god, what to say about this one. Remember my theatre rating system (how many times I cried, over 5?) By the system, this show is...what percentage is infinity out of 5?

Basically, the lights went down, the (absolutely fantastic) band swelled out the first few bars of "Concerning the UFO Sighting," and I started silently weeping and I. Could. Not. Stop. for the remainder of the show. Despite being, generally, a huge crybaby, I could not have predicted that reaction.

I passed on seeing this show at the Armory (I have a string of terrible decisions involving the Armory...I still have not seen Lehman Trilogy after passing on seeing it on opening night, among so many others.) I will say I'm not sure that was, for once, necessarily the wrong decision, just because it's hard for me to imagine seeing this show there, especially from high up in the seats. I suppose it depends on the showz but that space can feel quite alienating. The St James is a pretty small theatre and I doubt there are any really bad seats in the house as a result. I'm sure the show got sanitized, some edges polished unto anodyne for Broadway. It doesn't matter. It was so fucking moving.

Before taking my seat, I grabbed my summer theatre treat of choice (the $50 big white wine, with ice. Pure class) and the lady who sold me the drink, while perfectly friendly, asked me what I knew about the show in that sort of tacky way I get asked about stuff in New York by younger white people who assume they must know more than me than whatever interest of theirs I'm about to engage in. (I guess, interpreting charitably, I look like a tourist to them.) I mumbled something about Justin Peck and NYCB, not even trying to get to -- listen, Lady, Sufjan was the music we listened to in college, so by extension, it is the LAST popular music I am aware exists. Sufjan is very much the soundtrack of my life.

Only I didn't really realize that, apparently, until I saw the show? Although I listen to Seven Swans a few times a year, I didn't realize, prior to "Illinoise," that I know every word to "Illinois."

The thing about "Illinois" is that, like all great generational works of art (there, I said it), you can receive it entirely differently depending on your age at the time you encounter it. So when I heard "Illinois" as young dumbass, I thought it was music about yearning; about the things you want so badly and might never realize and/or might not be able to front the cost. And now as an old(er) dumbass I find the record is about regret, about the things you give up and the mistakes you make ("I made a lot of mistakes...") making those choices or letting them happen to you, and about how the choices haunt you, even as you're making them. And I didn't understand that then, although the *second* word sung on the record is "revenant."

The *magic* of this record is that it is spiritual concept folk-rock opera music, still managing to connect, in an age devoid of spiritualism and shy of conceptual pop music, with an incredibly broad audience. To clarify, I'm talking about the current age; when the record came out, you could still make a concept album. I believe that age ended around 2012, Kendrick Lamar excepted. I don't know when the age of spiritualism ended, I think it was before I was conscious of contemporary art works. If you go to a Sufjan Stevens concert, or to "Illinoise" for that matter, you will be treated to the sight of literal children -- people under 15 years old -- singing all the lyrics. And crying millennials, naturally. My boomer friend told me "Chicago" is his and his (gen z) daughter's song, dating to when he drove her to Chicago for graduate school.

And oh, yes, it is a sublime piece of Americana purporting to exalt the state of Illinois and its millions of inhabitants and events, past and present, and actually examining, at the most personal level, how faith can fail to deliver you, and still impart your life with grace.

The magic of "Illinoise" is that it is a concept ballet masquerading as Broadway, of all things, i.e. an expression of universalism and accessible theatrical cliche where the text is, incredibly, a tale-as-old-as-time style campfire story anthology (hello, Decameron! I've got your story framing device here....) WITH NO DIALOGUE, about leaving your (gay) lover behind to experience the pleasure and promise of the big city and how you will feel regret and gratitude forever for the gift of having him, the gift of moving on, the gift and curse of free choice, the curse of loss.

When I think about "Illinois" only barely disguising its core concern with Christianity ("to recreate us...all things go, all things go" only a couple misunderstood syllables away from "to the Creator..." for example) and outright telling us what it's about in other places ("I made a lot to mistakes," "If I was crying, in the van, with my friend, it was for freedom from myself and from the land," etc)...this beautiful directness and lack of high-minded artifice was always already destined to be on Broadway. I didn't mind that the show is, at times, frankly...quite literal. I experienced "Illinoise" as the rare miracle of a message arriving packaged in its perfect medium. I feel so fortunate to have seen it.

Coda: I thought the dancing was fantastic, easily my favorite Justin Peck choreo this year. Genuinely accessible, technically proficient, appropriate to its text and moving.

[hermitcrossovers]

(I am going to start this ask by clarifying that I have not watched yhs. all my knowledge comes secondhand from tumblr)

The YHS class of 1032 AC (After Creation) incident. The name strikes fear into the hearts of everyone who knows of the terrible events that happened that year. They'll say how horrible of the island to treat them that way, that the staff of the school should've been better. They'll wonder why the rabbit hybrid was never contained, or why some kids were never removed from the island.

If you ask the (now grown up) kids who went through it, they'll say it sucked while it was happening, but they've adjusted. Mostly. Honestly, it could have been much worse knowing the track record of the school, so the fact that less then twelve people died is amazing.

However, anybody who went through something like that needs a place to let out feelings. The feeling of being abandoned, of fear of permadying, the rush of anger.

So Grian, in a shockingly mature move, created a special world, just for the players who went through that hell of a year. It took months to track everybody down, and not all actually ended up going. But there's still a sizable crowd when he calls the biweekly meeting, and that's enough for him.

----Here's a list of the players who are in the group (besides canon characters)

Grian (junior, age 17 at time of incident)

Tango (sophomore, age 16 at time of incident)

Bdubs (sophomore, age 15 at time of incident)

Hels (junior, age 16 at time of incident)

Etho (junior, age 16 at time of incident)

Jimmy (freshmen, age 14 at time of incident)

Lizzie (senior, age 17 at time of incident)

Philza (senior, age 18 at time of incident)

Russet (Redza) (senior, age 18 at time of incident)

Technoblade (junior, age 16 at time of incident)

Branzy (freshman, age 15 at time of incident)

Ashswag (freshman, age 14 at time of incident)

---

(PS, if anybody has any mcyters they want to add to the list, go right ahead!) - 🔮🐦

wels and hels are twins often seen hanging the symmetry twins (there are rumors going around that they are actually triplets) 

---

the server grian opens to the survivors, serves as a home world for those in-between smp's or too unwilling to go around others who have not experienced the same hell they went through.

the biweekly meetings are more of a catch-up on what is going on. it's a big server and all of them are spread out, scattered across the map. though the gaps might be smaller than one might think, on tango's horizon line he can slight glittering from the sun shining off glass in philza's sprawling fantastical city.

[blueikeproductions]

Hello! Very interesting points, allow you to look at the situation from a slightly different angle! But I'm just going to try to clarify a couple of points from my original question.

Maybe the caste system on Cybertron was not invented in comics, it's hard for me to understand which media influenced which at that time, I joined the fandom very recently. But in the cartoons, in fact, the background of the struggle against the caste system had almost no effect on the main plot and ending.

But this does not negate my claims towards comics that focus on this story. I do not understand why, under such a terrible regime of functionalists, all the "useless" ones were not destroyed or forcibly reformed into more useful mechanisms.

And how can such a regime, where presumably all the mechanisms are some kind of transformer, be rebuilt into a fair society? Build a replacement for everyone? That's why no media about transformers delves into everyday post-war life, because the authors either do not want to think about the functionality of society, or do not know how to build it, or do not know how to work with plots that are not cheap personal dramas. I can't understand how a plot that can be destroyed with a single sneeze can be considered in the fandom as a brilliant world-building and even a good one, it's very bad.

If we talk globally about this plot within the media about transformers and other franchises, then this plot is very popular and it is shown literally everywhere. And I understand that all this was filmed for people, especially for children, but I want an alternative. For people, such stories are understandable and fair, because with few exceptions, you can take a person and raise for any profession or retrain if necessary.

For fantastic races that, like ants, have individuals that are initially very different and exist for different functions, having the same aspirations and psychology as humans looks strange, and looking at it is already boring. I can understand that this cartoon is still made for children, well, but I doubt that the comics were created with the same age rating and for the same age audience.

That is, I want to say that it would be interesting to look at least once in the modern media at an alien or fantastic race for which such a way of life, different from ours, would be a normal and good solution compared to the rest. For some reason, it was possible to find this in the old science fiction, but not now.

I can still recall some such hint as a very casually mentioned moment in Galaxy Force, where, as a difference between Cybertronians and humans, it was shown that Cybertronians are unable to create comfortable and ergonomic rooms without mini-cons. Yes, it's not much, but it was interesting.

In fact, for the reasons you've described, I love the early view of Cybertronians as an artificially created "pseudo-race" who don't have a naturally developed culture, and all they have is borrowing from the creators or other aliens. (Yes, I'm that weird person who likes the idea that transformers were created by quintessons).

This would explain the different attitudes towards the Earth culture from Autobots and Decepticons. Autobots are created as smart household appliances, it is logical for them to adjust and adapt to the lifestyle of quintessons or buyers from other alien races. Decepticons, like military equipment, lack such a function and adaptability, which determines the relationship of the two factions to other cultures. Maybe it sounds stupid and crazy, but why not, I love crazy ideas.

In this scenario, the presence of cultures of Earth and other races on Cybertron looks logical and could even be some kind of side story about the crisis of a borrowed and at some points useless culture, about an attempt to create their own culture and the crisis of its artificiality. Well, or to show how Cybertronians have changed some customs and habits in a funny way for themselves, and not just as shown in the media, that it exists and that's it.

P.S. I'm sorry if something sounds rude, it's not a claim against you, but against the situation as a whole. Well, sometimes it is difficult to get a translator to translate politely and at the same time understandably.

Hi!

Yeah as far as most of the cartoons are concerned, the underlying backstory was the Decepticons wanted power and conquest with the Autobots and their friends there to stop them, with it being Earth’s resources, Mini-Cons, Energon, whatever was trendy that day for toys.

The G1 cartoon was really the only one that kinda explained the history of the Transformers’ origins and their primary functions, with them being Consumer Goods & Military Hardware. Presumably the Aligned Continuity and IDW used this concept as the basis of the caste system/Functionalism, but still couldn’t really flesh it out any better for what they wanted. This concept that the Autobots and Decepticons are less factions but genetically distinct has factored somewhat into Transformers Animated and ReGeneration One, where the later sees Scorponok discover this genetic quirk and sought to use a device to brainwash all Autobots into becoming Decepticons. This was also referenced in Netflix War For Cybertron, where Shockwave wanted to use the Allspark in conjunction with a computer virus that would forcibly reprogram the Autobots into Decepticons.

But as for a peaceful society without functionism, heck if we know what that’s like. No material, as you said, not even IDW, really bothers explaining what that involves. IDW just ends with Transformers and related aliens all crammed alongside humanity on Earth.

IDW2 does the inverse with Cybertron being a cultural potluck of other races before the Great War, but this isn’t really explored as well as it could’ve been.

Truthfully I think the only reason a lot of IDW’s ideas were praised are surface level “it’s deep and mature and adult”, but a lot of the ideas stop working when you think about it for two seconds. Functionism and the Caste System are bad only because they are.. That’s it. And for all the talk of being deep and real, the Functionist Council are hyper cartoonishly evil, right down to being basically the bitter high school nerds shunned by society who became the people in charge out of revenge. They kill other Transformers on a whim when they think they’re obsolete, which seems to be a reference to a Twilight Zone episode, but it lacks the finesse Rod Sterling’s team had to pull it off. The Functionists are stated to Transform into The Key to Vector Sigma, but they never once display the ability to do so, and due to writing contrivances, they can access Vector Sigma anyway without needing to Transform. (It’s all treated as a bit of dark humor btw). And then the Functionists turn their Cybertron into Primus and he is just Unicron for MTMTELL’s finale to Subvert Expectations TM. Meanwhile Unicron is being Unicron in IDW’s grand finale anyway…

The Quintesson origin story I think has become a little more attractive in recent years, both for its meta gag in the TFs being products in-universe, but also the overuse of the Primus origin that reached its peak in the Unicron Trilogy, with most series trying to avoid the Primus origin as best they could. I personally prefer the Quint origin story more and more lately, and with Hasbro doubling down more on Quints and heavier G1 ‘toon ideas, we could see a return to it full scale.

[romanarose]

Hi, anon from last time.

I wasn't questioning you specifically cos of your religion. I know zionism and Judaism aren't the same thing and that a lot of Jewish people are very loudly against zionism and the genocide. Which is great.

I was just asking cos I feel wary of everyone now. I cant look at some of the people that I looked up to the same anymore irl. (A lot of people I know are catholics, and this was just ANOTHER thing that has decreased my respect for those specific people in my life). I've had to block blogs on tumblr cos they were surprisingly terrible about all of this.

I never suspected you were terrible. I saw that you went out of your way to attend / support a uni encampment. Love that. Because of that, there's no reason for me to block you.

I was also asking cos I find people's perspectives kind of interesting. Everyone has different levels of support, and I always try to understand where different people are coming from and how different things affect the extent of their support.

I hope I conveyed myself the way I wanted to.

Thank you so much for clarifying!

I definitely see what you mean. I think all levels are important. Think of all the Israeli’s in mass protests to end the war. I highly doubt the majority don’t want Israel recognized. Regardless they are an important voice right now.

I’ll be honest, I don’t exactly think there will ever not be Israel. I just don’t think it’s gonna happen. Much like I, living in the us, live on stolen land and I support the land back movement, America will likely always remain.

I think the 67 borders are what was asked for as a staring place and I feel that’s a good place to start, and equal rights for Arabs in Israel of course.

Sharon and My Mother In Law is an excellent book detailing the life of an Arab woman in the West Bank, it’s fantastic. Shows the reality and the lose of civil rights. Was also funny.

My family is catholic and it’s been disappointing and hypocritical of much of them to continue supporting the war when the pope called for a ceasefire. But then again there are whole shit show with Catholics who are anti pope Francis too

I really do appreciate you reaching out. I can struggle to read tone online and I wasn’t sure what to make of the ask. I try to assume the best but my position online has been a place where I’ve lost several mutuals for my support of Palestine but also gotten viscous hate mail for my connection to the Jewish community. My time on here hasn’t been easy with sone other fandom drama so I find myself on edge with asks a lot

But that’s on me.

I hope you have a great day and I’m happy to have you here 💕

[guardian-angle22]

Much as I would love to see a Muslim/hijabi woman on tv. Most likely wouldn't want to be on tv since it goes against their beliefs. I'm ok with Natacha in this role bc I love her and I appreciate what LS has done with showing respect as the show has continued

[response to my post here]

First off, thank you for the insight/feedback on the accuracy, and the prayer part in particular! I had thought the location she was praying in was inaccurate but that wasn’t something I saw mentioned a lot at the time of the initial backlash to that scene. So I appreciate the information. 💜

I definitely head canon that when Owen rebuilt the firehouse (for the 2nd time!) he made sure there was a dedicated quiet room. Not only would it be important to have for Marjan or anyone else that works at the firehouse with them of Muslim faith to pray in, but also they have stressful and emotional jobs! Having a dedicated safe space at the firehouse to go when you need that kind of quiet privacy just makes sense to me.

As far as the casting part first: I think Natacha has done a great job and I appreciate the fact that she spoke up to the showrunners after hearing feedback from Muslim viewers. and from what I heard of her talking at the most recent convention, she has some great ideas of exploring various intersectionality that is found within that religion and I think that’s great and really hope they do explore some of those things.

My desire for an actual hijabi woman to have been chosen for this part was mainly based off experiences I witnessed from a previous fandom, Skam. IDK if you ever watched it, but the 4th season focused on a Muslim girl in high school, Sana, played by an actress who was actually Muslim, Iman Meskini, who was fantastic. The show writer/creator/producer relied a lot on her knowledge and lived experience when filming things. Then the Skam remakes happened… and another iteration of the show did not bother to get an actual Muslim to play that character and I remember very vividly the negative experiences a lot of the Muslim people in fandom had based off choices that were made and how that character was portrayed. Iman herself spoke up about how much better it was to have someone with the lived experience, who knew what it was like, acting in a role like that. I love this quote from her too: "I never dreamt about being an actress, because I never saw an actress with hijab on. I didn’t even see it as an option or a possibility at all until I became that example that it is possible."

I definitely can appreciate and understand how nuanced the discussion of actors playing parts that aren’t their own experience truly is though. I think the wars that are waged online about actors who play queer parts especially is a big thing happening in culture right now and I truly understand a lot of varying sides to those kinds of discussions. I know it might not always be possible for own voices actors to play parts like this, but I just feel like the best case scenario in a role like Marjan would have been for it to be played by a hijabi woman. That doesn’t mean I think Natacha is in the wrong for taking the role or that it was a terrible mistake for her to have been cast. Just that there was a better scenario that I had hoped for, that didn’t end up happening. and that's okay.

Now the corn silo story: That interview with Natacha where she said there were things that got cut from that storyline makes me really sad because I wish we could have gotten a better resolution to it. Maybe it would have been exactly what you're mentioning here too - clarifying for the viewers that not everyone in the mosque felt that way and it was just pettiness amongst some of them. Sadly, I guess we'll never know exactly what that would have looked like. It makes me a little sad that the only time we've even seen the mosque she goes to was in that episode in season one. I really really hope we get a chance to see some more storylines for Marjan that can include her faith and her mosque but more of how they're positively impacting her life instead.

(I don't have any relevant Marjan reaction gifs since I mainly use my fave Paul, so have this gif of her being absolutely adorable instead)

[n2-deep]

What's Wrong With Me?

What is wrong with me?

Sometimes, I feel like I have no friends.

Or, let me clarify, no real friends. It's not that I don't have pleasant conversations with other people or get invited occasionally to hang out in groups with them. Instead, people only ask to hang out with me because they feel awkward that I'm there when they ask others but don't care about me or my interests.

So it more or less feels like I have a ton of acquaintances—like I have many people who can get on just fine without me in their lives. 

It's hard, too, when you see other people on social media hanging out and sharing happy moments in their friendships or hear stories about what other people did (and quite obviously, you weren't invited to participate). It can feel very isolating and lonely when surrounded by everyone having these fantastic fun times and everyone else being friends.

These and other negative thoughts tend to creep in and magnify whenever I feel down and stressed. But I can manage when I'm in a good mood and have my stress under control.  

This is all not a coincidence: feelings of loneliness often go hand-in-hand with depression (which I have), and it can often be fueled by anxiety (which I also have). I am looking back at my life. I see now that these feelings have always been with me. Never feeling accepted or even wanted. Constantly feeling that you are on the outside looking in is hard. I have read some information on ADD and TBI related to it, but? 

At the end of the day, it has to be me. Something I'm doing.

This is truly a question. I do not want people to feel sorry for me. I want to understand. It is hard to admit my feelings and vulnerability of feeling this way. I have always thought I fit in differently than the charity case. 

I try from time to time to reach out and reconnect and ask "friends" to do something. What I get in return is "we should," but when I try, they have something else going on, or I never hear back. 

Is this all in my head? 

Example: When I was 17. That summer, I was in a pretty bad accident. The truck I was driving rolled five times. My face shattered the window. I was ejected out and was pinned under the truck. I was flown to the hospital. After I was released and got home, I never heard from anyone. No one called to check on me. Nothing like I was forgotten, and we never really reconnected.  

Example 2: I thought I had finally found friends. I was part of something. I had a big group of friends. Within the large group, there was a smaller, closer group. These people were the ones to show me that my marriage was terrible for me. My X had just settled for me, and we had nothing in common. "I just never felt good enough for her or her family. " And she hated my friends. I had a job that I loved, and I got to work with my friends. Then, my closest friend became my boss. Everything I did needed to be better. " It is a whole nother story. " So I quit or was fired depends on who you ask. I walked away from that job "and friends" I felt like an outcast. Not a single one of those people ever came and asked me. Didnt come to see if I was okay. Then, not long after, the girl I was seeing dumped me and replaced me overnight. 

I am leaving out a lot because It hurts to think back and the feelings it reminds me of. I'm not hiding it. I don't know if it is relevant to my overall question. What is wrong with me?

I hope to post this where people I know do not see it. Or where if you do, please don't tell me that you did. I would love to know what I am doing wrong if you have feedback.

[mandy4ever69420]

4.12

debbie is still so my world. first of all im crazy about her little personality. second of all her decision to use a pizza delivery driver she knew as transportation when needed is very clever and funny. still sad though. matty death manifestation chant starts at 8:30 thirdly i really enjoyed how her worrying about visiting fiona and getting mad at lip for being hesitant ties into how mad she was at fiona in the start of the season for not looking for ian.

enjoyed hearing the exact moment the person im watching with realized ian was bipolar. oh fuck is right

debbie and carl played it so cool checking in on ian but later totally losing their minds when fiona gets home to ask her for help was very good. debbie especially did a very nice job holding it in "yeah, we know what this is"->oh my god fiona is here she needs to come. well placed so that you dont really think about how flatly scary it is to be 13 and realize your brothers all fucked up until she finally lets go

fiona's joy at coming home and being hugged was sweet. and then also the way she didn't lose that moment entirely but when she realized that debbie and carl were also so clingy because something was wrong

i liked that scene were lip gets briefly overcome at amanda's terrifying weird thing bc she's pretty and nice and she likes him and then he's moved by the kiss until all the other sorority girls start celebrating and he realizes (incorrectly) it was just to show off. amanda being normal amount of guarded about her feelings pre-sabotaging her later for when she tries to actually clarify because lip already felt a little spark of hope and then snuffed it before.

lip and fiona talking about ian being bipolar had another good foreshadowing. fiona to lip: is alcoholism genetic? VS lip ggiving fiona a hard time talking about AA.

it is with a heavy heart i must announce that sammi is still a likable person pre s5 when they decided she was going to be a villainous character. and then having having the tell me you fucking neeed me / snitch meltdown of s5.

anyone whos ever needed pain medication from a doctor recognizes the way that the surgeon talks to frank. i feel like this is a pretty good example case for 'the addicts that youre so scared of deserve to have their pain treated too'

joan cusack is still fantastic even if her character is evil. when she is denied adoption and not really offered an explanation her response made pretty clear the feeling that she really thought she'd have an "in" with a "community" if she just became a mother to their children and realizes that she's still an outsider when no one will translate for her. that's very sad. fuck you though. also interesting howwww obvious it is that sheila was the bad guy in arguments w sammi while frank was hospitalized here

much to consider about how arguably the most longterm harmful thing in terms of life impact that frank does to his kids (consistently encouraging them to drink) is also the thing he does when he's trying his hardest to be sweet and connect. like he's a terrible asshole but when he's having a gentle little moment of reflection with carl and offers carl a drink and carl says no and frank says no come on. that was an olive branch and also the worst way to behave

i reiterate how stupid it iswhen people complain about shameless side characters being 'forgotten' when they are written off in a clear and very very sad type of way that just means they left. i am referring to bonnie becoming terrified she's going to fuck carl up and taking her whole family and evacuating the area permanently. Side note also anne gonzalez.

mickey is so fucking awesome. but you knew this

it's nice svetlana has switched gears into being conciliatory but i still don't agree with "no more bullshit with baby" ideologically. like it's not like she has a better choice i don't take issue with her specifically but i've seen how peoples media comprehension is and i worry people think this is an "epic win" of some sort. it is not her fault but god help me. absolutely it was killing me to see mickey's distaste for a baby but we need to understand he doesn't actually have to be a parent. again svetlana did not have better options as far as she was concerned this was the horse she had had her cart hitched to

[andaxay]

10 Fandoms, 10 Characters, 10 Tags

Tagged by @monday-headache (thank you!)

1. Tales From The Borderlands

Rhys

Fiona

Athena

Sasha

Vaughn

Loader Bot

Gortys

August

Vasquez

Scooter

2. Borderlands Series (I separated this and Tales because too many good ones!)

Handsome Jack

Maya

Mordecai

Angel

Tannis

Lorelai

Zer0

Hammerlock

Katagawa Jr.

Krieg

3. Resident Evil Series

Claire

Leon

Wesker

Jill

Chris

Ada

Rebecca

Luis Sera

Marvin Branagh

Salazar

4. Golden Sun Series

Jenna

Alex

Felix

Piers

Menardi

Saturos

Karst

Sheba

Briggs

Kraden

5. Final Fantasy Series

Auron (FFX)

Balthier (FFXII)

Ashe (FFXII)

Ezel (FFTA)

Cid (FFTA)

Lulu (FFX)

Steiner (FFIX)

Vivi (FFIX)

Zidane (FFIX)

Rikku (FFX)

6. Portal/Portal 2

GLaDOS

Wheatley

The crap turrets

The "I'm different" turret

Cave Johnson

Caroline

Weighted Companion Cube

Doug Rattmann

Space core

Fact core

7. Ace Attorney Series

Phoenix Wright

Miles Edgeworth

Franziska von Karma

Mia Fey

Ema Skye

Dahlia Hawthorne

Simon Blackquill

Bobby Fulbright

Gumshoe

Aura Blackquill

8. Detroit: Become Human

Connor

Markus

Kara

Rose

Amanda

Hank Anderson

Carl

Luther

Josh

Traci

9. Halo Series

Cortana

Master Chief

Sgt. Johnson

Foehammer

343 Guilty Spark

The Arbiter

Captain Keys

Miranda Keys

Dr. Halsey

The Grunts, all of them

10. Life is Strange

Max

Chloe

Kate

Joyce

William

Jefferson

Frank

Samuel

Victoria

Alyssa

I think everyone I know might already have been tagged, if not, go wild!

[qqueenofhades]

Feel free not to answer this because I feel like it’s a really heavy and rather personal and emotional thing, but you’re also one of the people whose opinion I respect the most and who I think would be able to offer a lot of help with this, and I think it might help some other people too, if it’s not too pretentious to say that. It’s definitely too pretentious, isn’t it.

For context, I’m a cis female lesbian, which is… both a good thing and also the stem of these problems.

First of all, queer people travel in packs, we all know that. It’s amazing, and somehow, most of my friends and I found each other even before any of us came out. It’s the unconscious gaydar, I guess. And more recently, a lot of my friends are coming out as different flavors of trans and nb, and in some ways, it feels like I’m the ONLY person who feels completely comfortable with their birth gender.

God it sounds really bad when I put it that way, and I know it kinda is. I barely know how to describe it, but in some ways, it feels like I’m almost the odd one left out, when most of my friends have that bonding experience and this new struggle they have to deal with, and I’m not able to help them out and be there for them in a way that I was when it was just sexuality in question (and believe me, that took me forever to figure out, and I imagine it’s much the same for gender). And. I dunno. I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m one of the ONLY cis people in my friend group, and I feel almost guilty for that? Online there’s all the stuff about “oh it’s the cis people” and like, that’s me, I’m one of the people in question, and how some people act, it’s almost as though I’m not queer enough or something, like being lesbian isn’t enough to actually make me queer and that I have to be some flavor of trans as well. And I know that’s horrible to think, it’s an awful mindset to have, but it’s kinda how I feel. And to clarify, this is absolutely not my friend’s faults, they’re not saying or doing anything at all to imply what I’ve just said, it’s entirely my own fault and that of the internet.

Anyway, I’ll just leave that there for you, because I don’t have a resolution for it, that’s the problem.

My second problem is kinda similar. My two best friends are both enby aroace. One of them is a sex-repulsed ace, and we share a lot of same fandoms and things that we enjoy. They’re a S&B fan, for one, and a while back I sent them WDMTTPL because I figured they’d like it because it’s fantastically written and I love it so much. This is nothing personal to do with you, I’d like to clarify that. Anyway, they got to the first E rated scene and quit and refused to read the rest of it. That’s totally okay, that’s fine, they have every right not to enjoy the same stuff as me. Another thing we both like is Phantom of the Opera, have you seen that? There are two songs, one in the original and one in the (admittedly a shitshow with a good soundtrack) sequel, that yeah, they’re kinda about sex, but they’re still very nice songs. My friend calls the one in the sequel (the song being Beneath a Moonless Sky) as ALW’s E-rated sex fantasy song. It’s… not terribly explicit, in my opinion, but like I said, of course we have different opinions, and that’s okay. But they hate the song so much and whenever it comes up on a playlist or something that we’re listening to together, they always go and skip it. With that musical as a whole, Love Never Dies, it’s a shitshow like I said and it has horrible writing and I really just ignore all of the plot in favor of enjoying some of the few good songs in it. And because of how much they hate that song, which I think has fantastic music regardless of content, I almost feel guilty for liking it and for being a sex-positive person myself. It’s not like my friend saying “I don’t like this and so no one should like this” but in some ways it feels almost like that’s what they’re saying. It’s absolutely not their fault, but it feels like the same thing again. I feel guilty for being straight and not “queer” enough, I feel guilty for being a person who enjoys sex versus an aroace friend who really doesn’t, and then I feel guilty for feeling guilty about things I shouldn’t feel bad about.

The third one isn’t really along the same vein as the first one, but I think it’s one that does put me in the wrong and that I’m very conflicted about.

One of my friends is very openly poly and was ranting to us the other day about some thinly veiled homophobic (and specifically polyphobic) comments one of her professors made, and how for an essay in that class she’s writing about how poly marriage should be allowed and was asking for our opinions and stuff. Personally, I think it’s absolutely okay, I wouldn’t even be opposed to a poly relationship myself. However, eventually they got on the topic of the poly relationship of the variety where one person is married to two different people without those other two people being married together, but consensual between all three. And… something rubs me the wrong way about that. Something feels very inherently unequal and unfair about someone in a relationship with two other people without those people being together, ESPECIALLY if we’re talking marriage. And then I proceed to feel horrible about that, because who am I to judge what kind of love is okay, what kind of poly marriage should be allowed and what shouldn’t? Isn’t that just as bad as, say, telling a bi person in a relationship with a person of the opposite gender that they’re actually just straight? I still don’t feel like being in two seperate relationships at once can be fair or healthy, even if it IS consensual, but I feel horrible for almost gatekeeping something like that, and for getting into a heated debate with the friend in question about it. She also had a boyfriend at the time, and according to her, she said he’d be perfectly okay if she was to have a relationship with a different person beside him at the same time. And then I felt horribly petty, because they broke up like a week after my friend said all of that to the rest of us and that breakup may or may not have been related.

Anyway I have no good way of wrapping this up, I feel like it’s just been one big rant, and I know it’s very very personal and heavy, but you really are someone whose opinion I respect and would really appreciate hearing. You don’t have to answer this ask, because I know it’s a lot, but either way, thank you so much for taking the time to read this anyway.

Welp. Okay. First off, I am very honored that you trust me to talk about this to you, respect my opinion, and are interested in hearing my thoughts. For context, I am also a cis lesbian, and I suspect that I am somewhat-to-significantly older than you (10-15 years). So this is coming from a queer person in their thirties (not in their teens or twenties) and while I have plenty to say here, I'll start with this:

Basically, this ask is an encapsulation of everything that rubs me the wrong way about the online youth culture that has grown up on social media and calls itself "queer" and "progressive" while also uh, not being those things at all and often just being American Protestant evangelical purity culture. I hasten to stress that this is not your fault in any way, and nothing about what you have said is going to make me point a finger and go BAD QUEER PERSON! Instead, I have a tremendous amount of sympathy for you and the guilt and stress that you're enduring and putting yourself through, when you really, really don't have to. I promise. Because if you just changed a few names and descriptions, you could be telling me how unhappy you feel in a religious fundamentalist cult! And that breaks my heart. Because:

You constantly feel guilty about whether you're "enough" for the overall authority/presumed "right way" to be a queer person, and constantly think that you have to do "more" to justify your inclusion;

You hang out with people and in shared social spaces that consciously or unconsciously reinforce the idea that you're "doing it wrong";

You worry constantly about whether being an ordinary human person with a sex drive makes you "unclean," "filthy," "evil," "lesser", etc etc;

You worry that you're in the wrong for expressing any opinion that might run against the prevailing wisdom, no matter what that opinion is or how you arrived at it;

You also worry that this is all "your fault" for not being good enough, and that if you continue to not be good enough, it will reflect on you as a personal sin and lead to your exclusion from the group, and that will be all your fault and nobody else's;

And on and on.

Anyway: as I said, this is flat-out conservative evangelical Protestantism with the names changed, and that's what makes me so averse to the so-called progressive purity/anti culture that has taken so much root in youth queer spaces. This isn't your fault or even that of your friends', it's just a result of what all of you have learned by osmosis and think is the only way to Be Acceptably Queer. And that is hogwash. It is total nonsense. It is absolutely not true. If you're hanging out in places or with people that are constantly feeding and reinforcing this message, whether implicitly or explicitly, then you DO need to find new places, healthier places, with maybe some older queer people who aren't as beholden to the niche culture of Performative Internet Wokeness as the younger terminally-online generation. Because it is a niche culture, it is very small, it is not at all representative of the lives and experiences of queer people all around the world, and you absolutely do not need to let it dictate your thoughts and behavior to the point of making you feel this way about yourself (or even at all). Because listen here:

I am holding your face in my hands, I am looking you in the eye, I am telling you from the bottom of my queer cis lesbian ace-spec old gay adult heart: I LOVE YOU, BABY GAY. YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. AND AIN'T NOBODY, NOBODY AT ALL, GOT THE RIGHT TO TELL YOU OTHERWISE OR MAKE YOU FEEL BAD FOR BEING BEAUTIFUL JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.

Okay? Got it? I mean it. I am aggressively loving on you right now, in a healthy, boundaries-appropriate way, and telling you that IT IS OKAY. You are queer just the way you are. You're not a secret straight. You don't have to add an endless list of uber-specific micro-labels or nuances or explanations. You're you. You're queer. That's it, end of story, nobody can say otherwise. If people try to make you feel bad about it or shame you or imply that you're not enough, THAT IS THEIR FAULT and you can and should feel justified in calling them out on it. You don't need to torment yourself with guilt over having opinions, or liking sex, or ANY OF IT. Humans are humans! Humans (for the most part) like sex! Sex is a normal and natural and beautiful thing! Queer sex is beautiful! Het sex is beautiful! You can enjoy both or any or all of those things while also critiquing the sexified/commodified/heteronormative/repressive culture in which we exist! Our culture has been so messed up and fucked over (literally) when it comes to sex that once again, we've looped all the way back around to "I am a More Morally Pure Person if I Personally Reject Sex and This is a Totally Progressive Viewpoint" and like. As I said above, I am strongly ace-spec. I tend to enjoy reading about sex or having sexy headcanons more than I'm interested in actually pursuing it in the real world. But that doesn't make me better or worse than anyone else, and I have zero objections to them doing what makes them happy.

So enjoy E-rated fic. Enjoy E-rated songs. Enjoy sex if you like sex, in fiction, real life, or wherever. DO WHATEVER YOU WANT, BABY, OKAY? If you know that some of your friends don't like what you like, you don't have to share those things with them or rely solely on their approval/validation (and as I said, if you're hanging out in places or with people that only make you feel bad about who you are and what you like, it's time to re-evaluate that time and how it's spent). Go out in your community, meet older queer people, volunteer in queer spaces, do whatever you would like to make you feel more connected to the real-life community with a broader variety of perspectives. But also, you don't have to do these things to be considered queer. You don't have to Earn Your Place Via Hard Work (oh hello again, Protestant Ethic!) You just have to be you. That is enough.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[the-goya-jerker]

@am-i-the-asshole-official

OP here with some updates.

1. Some people in the comments seemed confused by this so I want to clarify.

My partner is not dubious about the 'jerking off' aspect, but instead the spread of Goya's art when he did not intend for it to have an audience. They find the mugs, t-shirts, posters, and other merchandise just as ethically dodgy.

This isn't an issue of masturbation being worse, or "thought crimes" this was an issue of my engagement with the wide spread of Goya's most private works.

2. They have since caved and also jerked it to Goya's paintings just to give it a shot. Well, they tried. It wasn't for them. They get where I'm coming from (the paintings evoke strong emotions that are very complicated, beating your meat as a form of stimming can help you with working through these.) It just wasn't their style. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

3. Re: variations on "you couldn't torture this information out of me". Sorry you have so much shame about your sexual proclivities. Try unlearning shame and loosening up a bit, perhaps.

4. At the request of @monikererror, I will now be rating how much I enjoy each painting for this activity. Full review below the cut.

Atropos (The Fates) - 3/10

I find the sharp gaze of the figure in the foreground to be a little too coy for my taste, I also always get distracted by (presumably) Atropos' ass and (presumably) Lachesis' face, it's all scrunched up. This one doesn't invoke very strong emotions for me, but it doesn't actively make it harder to get off.

Duel with Cudgels - 10/10

The sheer raw emotions of this one! The way they sink up to their knees in the mud, the movement and passion with which they try to kill each other despite the ground itself swallowing them up! Oh! This one is a delight. I love the colors too. I love men fighting.

Men Reading - 7/10

Really what sells this for me is the man in the back with his gaze cast to the heavens and just how melty their faces look. The horror of their uncanny faces is really erotic.

Women Laughing - 8/10

It has all the horror of Men Reading that comes with the melting and distorted faces, but this one is often speculated to be of a man pleasuring himself too. Something about the potential intended sexual nature just brings it to the next level.

Asmodea / Fantastic Vision - 4/10

The casual violence of the soldiers, the fear of those in the air, it's all very alluring to me. However, the potential ties to a real world conflict do put me off slightly. Violence against refugees and wars just aren't sexy to me. I'd jerk it to this more if it were just the floating figures. Rating is proportional to how much of the picture they take up.

The Dog - 0/10

That puppy is stuck in mud :(

La Leocadia - 3/10

This is just a sad woman. Her sorrow is evocative, but not terribly so to me. May I just say, it's strange that one of the names for this painting is "The Seductress"? Goya didn't name these, later art historians did. Can I just say what the fuck guys?

The Witches' Sabbath (The Great He-Goat) - 10/10

I love the animalistic features of some and the melting faces here. It does remind me a bit of his earlier Witches' Flight and Witches' Sabbath, so I do feel comfortable labelling it as some sort of ritual or witchcraft, which adds and extra layer of allure and eroticism. (Magic inherently carries some eroticism, obviously).

Saturn Devouring His Son - 9/10

Did you know the giant in this painting used to have an erection until they painted over it? That's why I've deducted a point. The veiling of it adds some allure but also... ah, what could have been.

I also want to take this moment to say, these paintings were named after Goya died. We do not know the intent behind these paintings. We do not know that this is Saturn, and in fact, I think that title allows us to hide behind a familiar story as we view this. That is not a child the giant is holding, you and I both know this. Pluto and Neptune were not chewed apart by Saturn, he swallowed them whole.

I want to challenge you to forget Saturn for a moment, look at this with fresh eyes. Let the horror sink in, let it wash over you. This grotesque melting figure with horrified eyes is eating a man, chewing him apart. What emotion do you see on his face?

Sit with that for a moment.

Anyway, that horror is why I jerk off to this one the most.

A Pilgrimage to San Isidro - 10/10

The clustering of the bodies, the melting indecipherable looks on their faces, the sheer number of people. There is something divine in this painting and something terrifying all at once, and that contrast makes it perfect.

Two Old Men / Two Monks - 8/10

The animalistic features of the second figure, seemingly sinister in what he tells this other man. The way the first grips his cane, either feeble or frightened. That's pretty damn good. Also, old men are hot and the second figure reminds me of a vampire or a bat, which is also hot.

Two Women Eating / Two Witches - 2/10

The witchy implications of this one were added by later art historians, so no points for magic. Also, I'm not afraid to admit, that lady's eyes scare me too much. It feels like she's watching me. Eugh.

Anyway, I hope this was informative and satisfied everyone's curiosity.

AITA for jerkin' it to Goya's Black Paintings?

Emojis for convenience and humor: 🎨🖼🍆💦

I know someone's gonna yell bait about this but idc, like, what? Do you want proof? Video evidence? Grow up.

So I (30x) really like Goya's Black Paintings. Like, Saturn Devouring His Son, Duel with Cudgels, A Pilgrimage to San Isidro. I think they're hypnotic, beautiful, evocative. They make me feel emotions I can't quite explain properly.

As the title says, sometimes I beat my meat to them. Whatever. It's not really about horniness. But the intent doesn't matter.

Recently (in a discussion about sexuality in art, I promise it was relevant, similar sentiments were being shared) I mentioned to my partner (33nb) that I do this. They were pretty taken aback.

Apparently, they find this 'gross' and 'kind of dodgy' because Goya's black paintings were never intended to be shared with a wider audience. They were art that he did not mean to share, painted on the walls of his house near the end of his life. They say it seems like the work is too personal to jerk off to, that it seems invasive or like a violation.

I don't think it's a big deal. The guy is dead, it's not like his ghost knows what I'm doing. It's a good thing to consider, but I don't think it ultimately matters, ethically.

So, I guess AITA for this?

[makeste]

“but I thought about how I needed to say this”

a.k.a. yet another meta dissection of The Apology. I actually wrote most of this up on Friday night based on the original Japanese (@pikahlua​ has an excellent translation up here, and I also used @hanashimas’ translations as a reference as well), but I wanted to wait until the official release, though that turned out to be a mixed bag to say the least lol.

I would also recommend reading @pikahlua​ and @class1akids​’ breakdowns of this scene (here and here, respectively), because they are excellent, and because if any scene deserves to have as many meta breakdowns written about it as possible, it’s this one.

anyway so here goes.

Caleb did a more accurate job with this than the fanscan, even if he did try his best to take us out of the seriousness of the moment by throwing in that swiss cheese line lol. anyway so there are two things I want to talk about here. the first is the line about Izuku not remembering, which I thought was a nice touch. of course he doesn’t remember what Kacchan said back then. he wasn’t exactly in the soundest emotional state after seeing one of the people he cares about most taking a near-fatal blow that was meant for him. I’d be shocked if he remembers anything about the aftermath (including the way he flew into a mindless rage afterwards) right up until the point when he entered the OFA Interstellar Party Void with Tomura. anyway, so I thought that was a nice callback.

and speaking of emotional states, the other thing I wanted to talk about is the part that Caleb got right which the fan scanlation didn’t. “but I had more to say.” in other words, “stop trying to win on your own” wasn’t just a one-liner; it was meant to be the beginning of a much longer speech. “there were other things that I needed to say.”

like, can we just stop and talk about that for a second. because basically what this means is that in that instant, when Kacchan pushed Deku out of the way and got impaled, his one and only thought was that he needed to apologize to Deku. his life was presumably flashing before his eyes, he had no idea if he was going to survive or not, and the only thing on his mind was how urgently he needed to make things right with his former childhood friend.

moving on!

so I have a confession to make, which is that I am relieved to see Katsuki describing this as the reason why he bullied Deku, as opposed to Horikoshi trying to retcon it into some sort of “secretly he was just trying to protect him and keep him out of harm’s way because he was worried” thing, which ngl would not have gelled very well with me. the thing is that I’m really not a fan of the whole “Kacchan Did Nothing Wrong” mentality that some fans seem to have. like, I have seen all sorts of convoluted attempts to find excuses for Katsuki’s shitty behavior, but in my view those attempts undermine what I love about his character in the first place. Katsuki is such a great character specifically because he is not perfect. his redemption arc is so compelling because he was such a giant asshole at the start. he was completely at fault, and he acknowledges this, and takes full responsibility for it. and that is fucking fantastic.

his arc is so great because it doesn’t rely on garnering sympathy by giving him a Tragic Past, or by trying to foist the blame for his behavior over on someone else. it’s an arc that acknowledges that redemption isn’t something you achieve by making people feel sorry for you; it’s something you have to earn by actively working to change and do better. and by forgoing the “misunderstood/tragic past” route, Horikoshi is making a statement that anyone can go down the wrong path, but that more importantly, anyone can also choose at any time to turn away from said path. there is only one requirement for doing so, and that is realizing that you’ve done wrong, and deciding that you want to change.

anyway, so in chapter 284 Kacchan of course had that whole speech about Deku not taking himself into account, and mentioned how that made him want to keep his distance. and a good chunk of fandom took this to mean that Katsuki’s bullying was actually a misguided response to Deku’s reckless tendencies -- sort of an “if I show him how weak and powerless he really is, I can get him to accept the reality that he’s quirkless, and that being a hero will just get him hurt or killed” type of thing. and I won’t lie, for a good while I was wondering myself if Horikoshi was really going to go down that route. and like I said, I am honestly relieved that he didn’t. not only for the reasons stated in the previous paragraph, but also because the message that would have sent -- that there are certain circumstances in which bullying can almost be excused because the bully had Good Intentions and was just trying to save the other person from themselves, and so it Wasn’t That Bad, Actually -- is all kinds of fucked up to say the least. so yeah, I’m glad we ended up steering well clear of that.

(ETA: this post was long enough already so I edited out the 3 additional paragraphs I originally wrote analyzing the dialogue from 284. but just to be clear, I’m not trying to imply that Kacchan worrying about Deku’s recklessness is a retconned thing that Horikoshi only threw into the story recently, because there are multiple instances throughout the story where he clearly is worried and in total denial of it. but I firmly believe those feelings are not what led to the bullying. they’re two separate things. Kacchan worrying about Deku is what prompts him to yell at him in chapter 1 when Deku comes to save him. but it’s not what incited him to burn his notebook and taunt him earlier in that same chapter. that action had a much meaner and more selfish motivation behind it, and I’m glad Horikoshi didn’t try to change it up last minute, because it wouldn’t have felt right.)

thankfully as of this chapter I think we can safely cross that out as a possibility, as we’re given the true explanation straight from Katsuki himself. and the truth is that he bullied Deku out of insecurity and jealousy and fear and intolerance. there was nothing noble about it. there were no good intentions concealed in his actions. there are no justifications given, no excuses offered, and no mitigating circumstances to be considered, other than the fact (which neither he nor Horikoshi bring up) that he was and is still a child, and that children make mistakes.

it’s an explanation that challenges many of fandom’s ideas on who is and isn’t eligible to be redeemed. there is no Ozai in Katsuki’s backstory. there’s no great tragedy that he spent a lifetime trying to rise above. the only villain in Katsuki’s story is Katsuki himself. the only darkness that he has to overcome is his own. and it’s challenging, because I think many people believe the only way someone can be redeemed for doing bad things is if bad things happen to them in return. but what Horikoshi is saying here is that that’s not the case. bad doesn’t erase bad. and the one and only way to truly earn redemption is by doing good.

and that’s what makes this such a phenomenal scene for me. by not shying away from Katsuki’s flaws and failings, and having him take full responsibility for them, Horikoshi keeps the apology from being self-serving, and underscores the true depth of Katsuki’s character development. the level of self-awareness he has here is something most people can only dream of. which is very fitting, as that’s perhaps the most important takeaway from his character arc -- that it’s only by acknowledging your own weaknesses and flaws that you can learn to overcome them and reach your full potential.

one last thing to point out here, which is that in the panel where Katsuki finally acknowledges his terrible treatment of Deku, Deku is not even visible. instead, Horikoshi drew the panel from a perspective that makes it appear that Katsuki is addressing this particular line not just to Deku, but to all of his classmates.

again, he shows him taking full responsibility and admitting his wrongdoings in front of the people whose opinions and approval he cares about most. and just to clarify in case there’s any confusion from Caleb’s translation, Kacchan’s wording makes it very clear that he wasn’t just “mean” to Deku, but that he full-on bullied him (he uses the same verb -- “ijimeru” (苛める) -- that he did back in chapter 284). there’s no attempt to downplay his actions here.

moving on now, this chapter also reaffirmed another thing about Deku and Kacchan’s relationship which I was glad to see revisited -- Kacchan’s unwavering belief in Deku’s ability. this is one of those paradoxical things about their relationship which I’ve always been fascinated by, but which is also kind of hard to explain, because I don’t want it to come off like I’m trying to put a positive spin on something which was unequivocally awful. like, please don’t think I’m trying to say that Katsuki’s bullying of Deku was in any way a good thing. but that being said, there’s also a strange irony at play here, which is that Katsuki’s jealousy and insecurity also betray the fact that even at his very worst, he never once underestimated Deku. he has always believed in Deku’s strength, even when that strength pissed him off and made him afraid and uneasy.

no one else -- not All Might, or even Deku’s own mom -- believed from the get-go that Deku could become a hero. but Katsuki never once counted him out, even when he was calling him a pebble in his shoe. he confesses here that even though he “tried to act superior by rejecting [Deku]”, in truth he was never able to shake the feeling that Deku was above him. long before he ever understood the concept of “win to save”, he knew instinctively that there was a strength in Deku’s heart that couldn’t be measured, and which had the potential to surpass even his own strength. and I’ve always felt that this was so important, because it’s the one aspect of their early relationship that hinted that on some level, however subconscious, Katsuki held the same type of faith in Deku that Deku always held in him. it was one of the few things that hinted at there being a possible path towards reconciliation one day. and it paved the way for the most important shift in their relationship to date, when Katsuki finally realized who Deku got his quirk from, and responded not with resentment or spite, but with acceptance.

moving on, I also really love the way we see them portrayed at the different stages of their childhood throughout this speech, and how it perfectly lines up with the dialogue. from small children (when Katsuki talks about his insecurities first manifesting), to middle schoolers (when he talks about the bullying), to high schoolers (when he talks about the past year and everything he’s learned at U.A.). Horikoshi really didn’t have to go that hard, but he did, and that’s why we love him.

and then we finally get to That Part.

where do I even start with this there are so many things omg.

the bow. this is the one and only time Katsuki has ever bowed to anyone of his own volition as far as I recall. and this absolutely is a bow, just to be clear, even though his form is straight-up garbage (very Kacchan-esque, with his feet and arms spaced apart because he’s still a punk after all). this is Kacchan showing more humility and respect than he’s ever shown to anyone else in his entire life.

regarding “Izuku”, I actually have mixed feelings about this to tell the truth. I think it was a good call here because it was incredibly effective in setting the tone and showing just how serious Kacchan is. however if he continues to use “Izuku” rather than “Deku” from here on out, that would give the impression in hindsight that all his past usage of “Deku” really was meant as an insult, which would undermine some of my favorite scenes. I would really like to believe that since DvK2 or thereabouts, Kacchan has (mostly) been using “Deku (affectionate)” rather than “Deku (useless loser)”, lol. but if he switches to the “nicer” name on a permanent basis following his apology, it implies that the previous nickname was indeed being used cruelly. and so honestly I hope this was just a one-time thing, because I do think that in Katsuki’s mind, the name “Deku” hasn’t been meant as a slight to him for a long time now.

“my truth/this is what I truly feel” -- the word Katsuki uses in Japanese is honne (本音), and if you’re familiar with the concept of honne/tatemae, that’s the same “honne” he’s talking about here. it means that he’s casting aside all of his walls and facades and expressing what he truly feels. and of course, one of the fascinating things about Katsuki’s character is that he’s the exact opposite of most people in that he chooses to put his meanness on full display to the public, and ironically it’s the kindest parts of himself which he tends to keep the most carefully guarded and hidden away. this also means that while his rage and anger are very often insincere and put on just for show, those relatively few occasions where he lets his humanity truly shine through are pretty much 100% genuine, as is the case with this one here.

and Deku’s face says it all when it comes to how powerful those moments can be as a result.

and this, right here, is why it wasn’t enough for Katsuki to atone solely through his actions, and why he needed to actually say the words as well. it’s not that the words are more important; obviously the actions are far and away the most important part, and carry far more meaning. but the reason why Katsuki needed to say the words as well is simply because Izuku needed to hear them. needed to, and deserved to, because this is one of the most important people in the world to him.

and so he deserves to know that the relationship isn’t just one-sided, and that he is just as important to Kacchan as Kacchan is to him. he deserves to know that Kacchan understands how horribly he treated him, and that he’s sorry for it. and he deserves to know that Kacchan, without any expectation of it changing their relationship -- meaning that he will continue to feel this way regardless of what Izuku says or does from here on out -- cares about him. now more than ever, with AFO out there doing everything in his power to make Izuku feel as alone as possible, this is something that he really, really needed to hear.

so this part has some interesting wordplay which neither Caleb’s translation nor the fan scanlation was really able to get across. basically, in the Japanese version, when Katsuki talks about “those ideals”, Horikoshi uses the kanji for “ideal”, but pronounces it as “All Might.” obviously the meaning of this isn’t too hard to decipher, as we all know how much both boys admire All Might. to them, he absolutely is synonymous with the Ideal. so this is a way of showing that respect they both have towards him, even as Katsuki goes on to point out the one fatal flaw that All Might was never able to overcome.

and speaking of interesting wording, as others have noted, at this point in his speech Katsuki switches from “temee” (which he was using earlier during the “your strengths and my weaknesses” part) to “omae” (“omae” being a less insulting word for “you”, though still very manly and tough-sounding), which is definitely a big deal. though fwiw this is not the first time he’s used “omae” for Deku (he switches to it briefly right after DvK2, when he tells Deku “you had the strongest guy lay the groundwork for you -- don’t lose”, and then later when they’re walking back to the dorms and he says he’ll learn and get stronger by watching everyone around him just like Deku did). it’s definitely a good choice on Horikoshi’s part though, as it makes this last part of the speech sound more earnest and sincere.

just a quick note, he does indeed use a plural pronoun here, as in “the obstacles that you can’t overcome, we will overcome.” but as @pikahlua​ pointed out, the “we” here is ambiguous -- it could either mean “we” as in class 1-A -- “we will overcome them for you” -- OR it could mean “we” as in all of them -- class 1-A and Deku. “we will overcome them together.” idk about you, but I know which one gets my vote.

anyway, and so this is the line that finally wins Deku over and allows him to let go of his fears, however briefly. what I love about this is Kacchan’s utter conviction. one thing that Caleb’s translation doesn’t quite get across is Kacchan’s use of the word morenaku -- “without exception” -- when he talks about how they’re going to save everyone and win. it echoes that same sentiment he showed back during the Joint Training arc -- that it’s not a perfect victory unless they save everyone. every last person. and he explicitly lists Deku among their number, just so there can be no doubt.

and Deku’s response to this (or at least his thoughts, since he’s not really able to get many words out) pretty much brings everything full circle here.

he acknowledges that everyone else has gotten ahead of him. which is especially meaningful given who he’s standing directly across from. because for most of the series, as we all well know, it’s been Kacchan who was woefully lagging behind Deku in the character growth department. but now Deku himself is acknowledging that not only has Kacchan finally caught up at last, but that he and the others have surpassed him. which is only temporary, I should add, as I have zero doubt that Deku will catch up again soon. but the fact remains that just as Deku’s rapid increase in strength and skill left Kacchan scrambling to keep up earlier in the series, Kacchan’s extraordinary character development has now left Deku in that same position. as All Might once put it, “when he’s starting at level one, and you’re already at level 50, it’s only natural that you’ll be growing at different rates.”

and what’s so wonderful about this though is that the two of them are finally approaching that point where they’ve both caught up to each other and are finally starting to level out. Deku is a full-on badass, and Kacchan is out here talk-no-jutsuing with the best of them. the two of them have been chasing and chasing after each other this entire time, and now they’re finally just about ready to meet in the middle at long last, with each of them fully embodying both of those two crucial aspects -- win, and save.

just about. because Deku still needs some help catching up. but seeing as help has already been offered -- and accepted -- I can’t imagine it will be very long now, and I can’t wait to see him finally overcoming those fears and doubts with his friends by his side. it’s going to be such a powerful moment.

and last but not least,

or, as I prefer,

you had one job, Caleb. flkjsdlk.

but at least this provides a good opportunity to note that unlike the “we’ll help you handle it” line earlier in the speech, here the phrasing is left up to interpretation, as he doesn’t use a pronoun. so it could be “we know”, or, as the fan scanlation put it, “I know.” or it could be both. regardless, it’s good stuff.

anyway, and so Deku passes out, and in the process Horikoshi gives us one last parting metaphor, just in case anyone still thinks Kacchan is all talk because they haven’t been paying attention for the past 322 chapters (more likely than you think). once again, Katsuki’s actions speak louder than his words (even his nice words) ever could: he is literally there to catch Deku when he falls.

so that’s it! my sincere thanks to anyone who actually read through all of my endless ramblings about this scene which I have been waiting for since day one. props to Horikoshi for taking on an impossibly difficult task, and pulling it off with all of the emotion and care and nuance that I’ve come to expect from his writing. imo he delivered on every single level with the exception of the aftermath, which I don’t consider to have actually happened yet. Deku’s part of this is definitely a “to be continued.” but yeah, as far as Kacchan’s part goes, 10/10. so fucking proud of this kid.

[best-enemies]

ok. you know what. ill bite. what are your thoughts on the master

Oh anon I have neverending thoughts about the Master. Took me a few days to write but I'm having a day off work, thank god. Sorry this is a long one but you asked for it lol here we go:

One, I have this personal meta that there were multiple factors that made the Master evil, all due to a) things that happened to him, be that trauma, betrayal, etc. b) the environment he grew up in, as in the Time Lord society in general. A society that dismissed feelings as weaknesses and treated mistakes as if they made one unworthy of dignity and at the same time turned a blind eye when necessary and swoop their dirt under the rug with corruption and murder, something they didn't seem that bothered by.

By the way, what I'm saying doesn't erase the Master's actions, he's fully responsible by what he does (and he owns it proudly!) and I'm not condoning those things (I shouldn't have to clarify that but you know how it is with fandom lol). But I mention this because, if you need an example, just take a look at the first Doctor, especially during his first serials, and how he was willing to kill a caveman with a rock (oh if that rings a bell lol) and has made some pretty selfish/poor decisions. But he changed, and he was willing to change. I don't think he was a bad person within his core, but those traces were a reflection of his upbringing and his culture. He kept choosing to be a good person, and that's what drives him, while the Master keeps choosing to be a bad person.

What drives the Master to be like this? Why does death and chaos and destruction give him so much bliss, even though he knows he'll suffer the consequences and they're mostly negative? Did he find comfort in those things or did it become so addicting that, as per the scene in the Timeless Children episode, it is a way to calm all the rage he can't/doesn't want to deal with (and not even those things work anymore)?

By the way, Verayne - aka one of my all time favorite authors - wrote a scene in this fic where the Master and the Doctor talk about it in bed and it's my favorite moment of them in this story (and one of the best scenes I've ever read in fanfiction). By the way I recommend all of Verayne's stories, they're fantastic and give some great insight on their relationship, especially Tensimm.

The topic of the nature of the Master is something I LOVE to discuss about. I've been a fan of the show for a decade and it's like I keep unfolding this character more and more. He's that interesting.

Two, there was an interesting moment from the War Master's first boxset that still lives in my mind rent-free. I can't remember exactly which audio, but he says that he's an observer, someone who sees the universe the way it is, a realist. That line just gets me. It actually says a lot about the Master as a survivor. For me it's actually a better description of him than someone who's just 'evil'. He knows the universe can be a terrible place, has lived through the worst, and thinks that the Doctor is living an illusion, that he doesn't see reality the way it is. That the good he sees in people is fake. That may be a reflection of his own experiences (not what his approaches might have helped). Or maybe the Doctor isn't deluded - he's just trying to prove a point to himself. That he's good. I mean, he is trying to be good every day and that that is what matters, but I'm trying to see it through the Master's eyes here so don't give up on me lol.

He knows the Doctor is lying to himself. Here's my whole point: the reason the Master exists is because he's here to make the Doctor confront himself. He's been in the Doctor's life ever since they were kids, he knows the Doctor better than anyone else. He's seen his best and his worst.

By his worst, I mean the side that the Doctor doesn't show anyone else, like his companions and friends in general. All they've got is glimpses of it. And they won't like or approve that side of him. And the Doctor knows that.

And that's why he hides it. But the Master is here to expose that side and to tell him that he likes it. He wants the Doctor to accept that side of himself because it's the one that's most like the Master. The reason why the Doctor is different from anyone else in the universe, the reason why he's special, is because out of everybody, he's the one that's most like the Master. As the Twelfth Doctor puts it: "She’s the only person I’ve ever met who’s even remotely like me."

Identity is important. Seeing yourself in someone is important. Because the Master needs to be understood, and to be seen, and as the Lumiat put it, like every beast, he just wants to be loved. He doesn't think he's wrong in his ways. He doesn't want the Doctor to heal him, he wants to be loved the way he is, a monster, because he loves the monster in the Doctor as well. And the Doctor loves the good person inside the Master, the one he knows that's still there. I mean... there was good in Missy. But a huge part of that was her love for the Doctor. That's why she tried at all.

So we see how the Timeless Child thing hurt the Master. That was one aspect of it. One, was because the Master is proud, and that's his biggest capital sin. He believes that now, the Doctor is greater than him. Two, he thought that he had someone in the universe who was just like him, whom he shared a history with, so that there was something in his life that mattered. Their history mattered. But now he thinks it doesn't anymore, because the Doctor has had a history before him, and therefore he's just a spec of dust in the Doctor's life now, just like the humans, a passenger.

He throws that anger at the Doctor because the Doctor always thought of themselves as special (and in the Master's vision, he'd always thought he was more special than the Master too), and now it was true, and the Master feels like nothing. It hurts him deeply that, in his mind, he no longer holds the importance in the Doctor's life that the Doctor has in his. And I think that he's angry at his own feelings for the Doctor, perhaps blaming himself, but he can't help but try to attract the Doctor's attention at all costs, because he needs it, he's addicted and maybe she'll give it to him and he'll have some importance in her life. Maybe if he does something grand enough, if he's the one to kill the Doctor, it'll be worth it. He'll be the one to have killed the Timeless Child, the Doctor. Now imagine how much it hurt so that he asked her to kill him too, to die with him. Maybe that's how he figures they can finally be together. Who knows.

I added some tags to this post, which I very much agree with, with my words about how the Doctor can be very controlling about their relationship, trying to make the Master something he isn't so he can feel not guilty about loving him.

Aaand here's my thoughts about The Doctor Falls and the scene I believe to be the most important Thoschei moment.

I also wrote this about the Master and how his jealousy plays out in his feelings for the Doctor, and I mean not only by wanting him but wanting what he has.

Long story short: the Master is a romantic he just takes bad flirting to a whole different level (destroying galaxies to get his crush's attention)

[tippenfunkaport]

Getting some terrible takes in the reblogs to this so it's a fantastic time to re-up some classic posts such as the one where ND Stevenson talked about how Glimbow was planned from the very beginning and did not in any way happen "at the last minute"

Schrödinger's Princess Prom, somehow at the beginning of the series when we're talking about Catradora but "at the last minute" when talking about Glimbow. Truly an episode that exists outside of time!

And then here's where I broke down Bow's character arc for the lost souls who insist on arguing he doesn't have one (which is WILD because his is the most spelled out, obvious one of all four of the mains).

Also I figured it would be self-explanatory but to clarify, I reblogged this meme made by someone else because it amused me, obviously I have the media literacy to understand a show for 7 year olds and know that Bow has a character arc, it's just that sometimes I like to acknowledge jokes. Hope that helps.

[gayroytheory]

alright so. yknow how scar is always saying like, alchemists go against god, alchemists are unnatural, alchemists are terrible people? my take is that he’s right.

the actual origin of alchemy in fma is kind of left vague for most of the series, and is presented in such a way that many viewers/readers could definitely come away thinking it's just always existed, like magic in various fantasy worlds or sympathy in the kingkiller chronicle, etc.

we knew the eastern/western sage (hohenheim lol) was the one who taught xing and amestris about alchemy, but we didnt know if he was the only one who knew about it or he was just one person from a country with that knowledge. but it's clarified later on that, no, hohenheim was the first person to ever learn alchemy, and he was the one who taught it to everyone else. and he learned it from the dwarf in the flask

the dwarf in the flask's origins are never really explained; we just know that it was the result of an experiment by a certain xerxian scientist. but for my money, i don't think he created it. i think he summoned it.

the dwarf in the flask is too borderline omniscient, too ancient to be something newly created by man, and the way it & truth act toward each other supports this. truth treats the dwarf in the flask like a familiar nuisance, opposite but complementary forces - whereas truth is completely neutral to the point of cruelty, the dwarf in the flask is chaotic.

i think one of truth's jobs over the millenia has been to contain the dwarf in the flask's chaos, and i don't think this is the first time it's escaped. "i'm not going back," it tells truth, just as i'm sure it's said hundreds of times before. which fits perfectly with the theme of circles in fma. everything is cyclical, everything has happened before and will happen again. truth banishes the dwarf in the flask, it worms its way back up to humanity, truth banishes it, and the cycle continues.

if we are assuming the dwarf in the flask is some kind of otherworldy being, and it was the only one who possessed the knowledge of alchemy...it stands to reason that alchemy is not natural. it is too much power for anyone to wield, and that is the POINT. the dwarf in the flask taught hohenheim knowing he would teach others, and that those who should not have power would seek it.

it's not a common solution to a common need like the recurrence of specific farming methods or shared tenants of religion in cultures around the world, it is a bridge between magic and science that was impossible for humans to learn on their own because it should not exist. (further evidence for this is that no one besides amestris and xing have alchemy because hohenheim did not go there! he did not teach them so they do not have it! it is not a naturally known thing.)

roy said himself, "alchemists are terrible creatures," and we're meant to disagree because ed and al are alchemists and they're obviously good people. but if you think about every other alchemist, they ARE terrible. some alchemists, mainly those who sought alchemy as children, started with innocent motives - to learn a new skill, to save the world, to make their mother smile. but absolute power corrupts absolutely, no matter how good a person you are. ed and al didn't seek great power for evil, they just wanted to see their mother. but even with this noble motive, they committed a crime against nature, and they lost everything

it's not just that alchemy is a corrupting force, either - it also attracts a certain kind of person. people will talk about how winry/whoever should have been one, but i disagree. an alchemist isn't just a person who performs alchemy - anyone can learn it, but there's only a select type of person who chooses that path, and it's always somebody seeking power. roy sought power to change the world, and it led him down the path of mass murder. alex sought power to continue his family's strength and artistry, and it led him the same way. shou tucker and kimblee and so many other villains used alchemy for evil, the military specifically recruited alchemists for murder. izumi wanted to be strong, and the elrics wanted to be clever, and eventually, they lost everything.

even mei; alkahestry is a little more grey since it's generally used for healing rather than fighting, but fighting is 90% of what she does. she's a sweet little girl, but her clan is dying, so she took on the burden of alkahestry to protect them, and found herself in the middle of a war.

edward and alphonse are good people, but they are terrible alchemists. and i don't mean that in the way it sounds - they're FANTASTIC at DOING alchemy. they're prodigies in every way possible. but an alchemist, as a person and a symbol, is someone who desires power more than they value truth. and edward was the first one to ever give it up.