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alexawynters · 11 months ago

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Scarlet Whispers pt 5

Gif not mine

A/N: I.... as always, don't know how I feel about this chapter. Anything involving the 'horror' theme is... not my forte.

Pairing: Wanda Maximoff x Female!Reader

Trigger warnings (let me know if I forgot to tag anything): Mentions of past child abuse, ongoing adult child abuse, stalking, horror, dubcon, kidnapping, stockholm syndrome, gaslighting, angst, smut. There will be bits of fluff tho.

Rating: M. Minors DNI

Masterlist with parts 1-4 here

You weren’t quite sure what woke you up later that evening, only that you found yourself staring at the opposite wall, and unable to go back to sleep. It didn’t happen often since coming to live with Wanda, but in the past, a nice warm cup of tea would help put you back to sleep, so you decided that would be your best bet.

As you quietly got out of bed, being careful not to disturb the witch, a light caught the corner of your eye: Wanda's phone. It was connected to the charger and blinking with a new notification. You couldn't help but feel curious. Shortly after arriving here, Wanda had informed you that due to her magic, there was almost no network connectivity available, whether cellular or wifi. None of your gaming devices or cellphone had any network connectivity, so you had to rely on Wanda to update anything for you whenever she left your home. Because of this, you tried not to bother her too much. After all, you didn't really need the most up-to-date patches since you couldn't play online with anyone anyway.

You were confused about why her cellphone had a new notification if none of your devices had network connectivity. You assumed she would have checked her notifications since the last time she went out, which was at least a week ago. Personally, you couldn't stand having any of those little banner notifications and always cleared them as soon as they appeared, even if it was just by swiping them away from the notifications bar without actually reading them. So, the sudden appearance of a new notification on her phone puzzled you. There shouldn’t be any service for it to have come in recently. At least, not if you trusted what Wanda had been telling you...

A heavy, gnawing sensation settled in the pit of your stomach, creating a sense of unease. Undoubtedly, it was a breach of trust. Surely Wanda, of all people, didn't deserve for you to go snooping through her phone. She had always been kind, helpful, and loving towards you. Yet, despite her unwavering support, at the first sign of something that didn't quite add up, you found yourself doubting her. Why didn't you simply ask her instead?

But.. was it the first time? You were having flashbacks to all those moments of deja vu.

Haltingly, you took slow, hesitating steps towards Wanda’s nightstand where her phone lay. You didn’t understand this feeling of dread within you. You wanted to attribute it to your general mistrust of the human race as a whole, but your gut was telling you this was something more. You were in danger, you just didn’t know how or exactly where, but it had to do with the witch who's been sleeping next to you.

Shaky hands picked up her phone, and with your thumb, you pressed the power button to turn on the screen. Unsure of exactly what you would find, and the notification was innocuous enough - a news article regarding some superhero. What caught your attention was the date - it was listed almost ten months since you and Wanda had left your parents’ house. To your knowledge, it’s only been a month or so.

This couldn’t be right. Ten months? No. That wasn’t possible. Did time flow differently here maybe? You wanted so badly to give Wanda the benefit of the doubt, but now that you had opened Pandora’s box, you had to keep going. Hoping you wouldn’t accidentally awaken the witch, you held the phone in front of her face, and it unlocked recognizing her biometrics.

You should probably go to the bathroom to view this without risking waking Wanda up, but your feet refuse to move. Instead, you remained standing there, opening article after article, all of which displayed the same date. Curiosity led you to check the calendar app for today's date, and you had to stifle a gasp as it confirmed what the articles had stated. While you thought it had only been a month or so, Wanda had kept you here for ten months, employing fantasies and electronics to prevent you from questioning her.

Your grip on the phone waivered as you began recalling those moments of déjà vu. As you concentrated and tried to break through the fog of those memories, clarity emerged. You had asked for freedom. Wanda had yelled at you. You had yelled back. Then, Wanda had used her magic to make you fall asleep and erase your memories, essentially starting over and preventing you from realizing how much time was actually passing. How many times had that happened?

Wanda was not keeping you here to help you; she was your captor. The need to escape fought violently against your desire to stay with the woman you had come to adore, even if she had kidnapped and lied to you.

You place the phone back quietly, trying to make your way out of the room as silently as possible. It dawns on you that you should probably pack a bag or something. You have no idea where you are exactly, but if you don't leave now, there's a chance you may never escape.

Quietly, you escape the confines of the house, and head out of the grounds. You aren’t sure exactly where you are going, but you know you have to keep putting one foot in front of the other until you reach civilization. Previously during your numerous strolls across the grounds, you had noticed a vague perimeter, but never had the witch allowed you to go too far. Now you were intent on heading beyond the boundaries she had set, and you were in the dark on what you would find.

Speaking of the dark, even though the moon and stars were visible on this clear night, you had forgotten to grab a flashlight. Or rather, you had elected not to bother looking for one in your hurry to flee. Consequently, the darkness felt more overwhelming than you were accustomed to. You stumbled multiple times, each instance you were praying that you wouldn't accidentally sprain or break something. You weren't sure what was worse - the possibility of facing Wanda's wrath if she should catch you, or dying from the elements if you were to injure yourself and be unable to continue.

As you approached the tree line that marked the boundary Wanda had set, you paused. This was the farthest you had ever been. In truth, you had never even been this close before. Whenever you got within about ten paces, the witch would always give you a gentle warning. Curiosity tickled your thoughts as to what would happen next. Not all of Wanda's magic was mere illusion; she had the power to alter reality itself. What would occur when you crossed the tree line? Would you plunge off the side of Mount Wundagore to a grisly demise, or would you simply step into the woods as they appeared to be?

Either option had to be better to take the risk than to remain a prisoner in what you once believed to be the safety of your own home. Summoning your courage, you stepped into the forest and were surprised to find solid ground. As you continued, each step affirmed that this transformation by Wanda was real - the mountain had truly become a beautiful countryside. Perhaps there was a chance to escape after all. Without hesitation, you ventured further into the forest, hoping to reach civilization on the other side or find a safe hiding spot within before Wanda woke up.

Unknown to you, Wanda had set up protective barriers to alert her if you ever ventured too far. True to form, the moment you stepped beyond the tree line into the woods, her eyes snapped open, blazing with anger. You were leaving. Despite everything she had done for you. Despite the bond you two shared. The witch swiftly leapt out of bed, conjuring a portal not far behind you, determined to catch up with you. Did you really think you could escape her? You would dare? She would teach you. You belonged to her, and she was growing weary of this back-and-forth game you were playing.

As you fled through the forest, it grew denser, blocking out the moonlight. Initially, it seemed easy enough to navigate, but as you continued, the underbrush became thick, causing you to trip every few feet. The seemingly safe forest now loomed around you ominously, your paranoia starting to take over as you heard the skittering of various creatures around you. Logically, you knew they were probably just as startled as you, given how loudly you were thundering through their home. Still, that didn't stop you from feeling eyes on you the further you went, and you began to question if this had been a good idea after all. Unfortunately, it was too late to turn back, and you came to the uncomfortable realization that you didn't even know which direction home was.

A branch snapped somewhere to your left, causing you to turn your head so fast that you wouldn't be surprised if you woke up tomorrow with a crick in your neck. That is, if you managed to survive tonight. You froze in place, your heart pounding in your chest, your breathing loud in your ears as you strained to hear the source of the noise.

It was extremely unsettling for you to realize that the entire forest had suddenly fallen into complete and utter silence. No birds, no animals, nothing at all...

A leaf crunched. This time closer.

Fear seized your heart and you willed yourself to do something. Anything. Run. Hide. Just, something.

Suddenly, you became aware of a low growling sound approaching, and it became clear you were in serious trouble. Why hadn't you stayed inside the house? There must have been a logical explanation for the date change, and Wanda had always been kind to you. Maybe you were just remembering those arguments incorrectly. Now for your misplaced distrust, you were facing imminent death at the hands of something that likely had sharp teeth. Gods, how you despised sharp teeth.

A snarl to your left startled you, freezing you in place as your eyes frantically scanned the forest for whatever had made the noise. You could vaguely make out the silhouette of a creature on all fours not far from you, and your blood felt like it had frozen in your veins. Why hadn't you just gone back to bed next to Wanda?

As you witnessed the shape hurtling towards you from the darkness, a red streak intercepted it, accompanied by the yelp of an injured animal. You blinked and observed a fatally wounded wolf on the ground nearby. Your gaze followed the trajectory from which the red streak had come, revealing Wanda in her pajamas, her hands outstretched with red magic flowing through them, rushing towards you.

"Y/N, are you okay?!" Her voice was tinged with alarm. One hand extinguished her magic to gently hold your arm, while the other remained prepared for any possible threats. With a caring eye, she inspected you for any serious injuries, but found none. Satisfied that you were relatively unscathed, she finally registered your shocked face as you remained silent.

“Y/N what’s wrong? Why are you out here? Talk to me, please?” Wanda extinguished the remaining magic and took your hand, her ire at you dissipating at the fear of you having just been in danger that wasn’t from her.

“I- I had a nightmare. I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened. I just had to run.” You figured that would be believable enough - your night terrors sometimes had you fleeing for your life, you just usually accidentally woke up Wanda in the process before you could get too far. This would be the first time you would have made it out of the bed without waking her up.

Your gaze drifted back to the deceased wolf on the forest floor, and you couldn’t seem to shake the state of shock you were in. Wanda didn’t think anything more of your explanation, your night terrors happened often enough, and you didn't seem to be fleeing from her. It was the only thing that made sense to her. After all, everything had been okay earlier, there was nothing to indicate you were unhappy or would try to leave her.

Relieved that you were unharmed, and not attempting to escape, the witch focused on trying to calm you, as she could see telltale signs of you beginning to disassociate. Gently, she placed a hand to your cheek, tilting your face until you were making eye contact with her. “Don’t look at it, dorogoya, it’s okay. You’re safe. I’ve got you. Let’s go home, okay?”

In that moment, all you wanted was for Wanda to handle all your thinking. Anything else required too much effort, and honestly, you were too exhausted for anything else. You nodded and leaned into her touch, allowing your eyes to flutter shut as you embraced the sense of security she provided. Your hand reached up to cover hers on your cheek, interlocking your fingers with hers.

You heard more than saw the portal she summoned to take you both home, and blindly followed her through it back into your room. Hands still interlinked; she led you into the adjoining bathroom. At this point you had mentally checked out, completely overwhelmed by the night’s events. Under normal circumstances you would be mortified that Wanda was about to see you naked in this state - filthy, covered in scratches from your stumble through the woods, but you couldn’t find it within yourself to care. It didn’t help that you had entered a non-verbal state.

Wanda made it easier for you. Although this wasn't how she had imagined the first time she would see you naked, her main concern was to clean your wounds and ensure your comfort so you could fall back asleep. Tenderly, she assisted you in undressing, her eyes never lingering or straying where they shouldn't. She only took quick glances to assess any damage. You were grateful for her magic, which meant you didn't have to wait for the water to heat up to the perfect temperature.

She didn't bother undressing herself, but simply helped you into the shower under the falling water and followed in after. First, she helped wet your hair and then lathered it with shampoo before rinsing. The sensation of her blunt nails against your scalp was so soothing that you almost fell asleep. Then, Wanda took the washcloth, lathered it with soap, and started gently washing your body, beginning with your face. As gently as possible, the red head cleansed your wounds and removed the blood and dirt from your skin.

After deeming you sufficiently cleaned, Wanda turned off the water and began toweling you off, wrapping you up in a towel. She then discarded her own waterlogged clothing and began drying herself. While you stood there, feeling useless, Wanda grabbed pajamas for both of you and helped you put them on. After, she then put on her own pajamas before leading you back to bed.

“Do you want to talk about it, Y/N/N?”

You shook your head and climbed into bed after Wanda. Instead of the usual routine where she held you from behind as the big spoon, you surprised her by snuggling into her arms, facing her, and resting your head in the crook of her neck. Although you still had questions about the cell service on her phone and the months you were supposedly missing, Wanda has been kind to you, and she just saved your life. Those questions can be addressed another day. Finally feeling safe again, you allowed your exhaustion to consume you.

#Wanda maximoff x reader #dark!wanda x reader #wanda maximoff x fem!reader #wanda maximoff x f!reader #wanda maximoff x female reader #dark!wanda maximoff #dark!wanda maximoff x reader #wanda x reader #dark wanda x reader

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cairavende · 10 months ago

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Worm Arc 17 thoughts:

Travelers backstory!!!!!!!!! WOOOO!!!!!!

HOLY SHIT THEY ARE FROM EARTH ALEPH! That really explains the mysterious nature of their backstory up to now.

Would have loved to get some PoV's from some people who aren't Trickster but I'll live.

He's just such an asshole! Like I already knew he was but god DAMN did this arc remove any doubt.

Just the worst type of asshole that can be found in MOBA games (I say this as someone who played MOBA games for years). And then given superpowers. Ugh.

THE SIMURGH FUCKING HELL OH MY GOD I LOVE HER!!!!!!!!!

SHE IS MY FAVORITE ENDBRINGER AND ONE OF MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS EVEN IF SHE IS SUPER DUPER EVIL AND TERRIBLE! BUT SHE JUST SINGS IN EVERYONE'S HEADS AND THEY SEE THINGS THAT SHE WANTS THEM TO SEE AND SHE SEES THE FUTURE AND CREATES A CAUSE AND EFFECT PLAGUE BASICALLY AND I LOVE HER!!

Just the level of planning ahead she does, the number of moves ahead Simmy is playing. After the first few times she shows up they start quarantining where she attacks. Which ends up being exactly the right situation needed to push the Travelers to the choices she wanted them to make. Like, is quarantining even a counter to the Smurph or is it exactly what she wanted?

Sure precogs mess with precogs. That makes sense. But I don't know that it is as clear cut as Coil presented to Trickster. He implies two precogs just cancel each other out, but I assume it's more of a strength thing - a strong precog will cancel out a weak precog, but a weak precog will only make things a little fuzzier for a strong precog. So having Dinah would have helped against the Simurgh but I don't think it would be enough to just cancel out the Simurgh's power. Coil and Tattletale would probably also help. But I'm not convinced the last few months in Brockton Bay hasn't been more or less what Simmy wanted to happen.

Cody is the only person here that is probably more of an asshole than Krouse. Just could not get over the fact that Noelle didn't want to date him. Unbearably entitled dick. Possibly dead now, if Accord got his way. But very possibly not. Won't be surprised if he shows up again.

Cody's power is fun. I think it's the first "time travel" power I've seen. I mean Clockblocker does time freezing which is basically the same category but still, curious to see if we get any more level of time travel than this.

Marissa needs someone to make her some cookies and give her a place to hang out that isn't the house her mom lives in. I mean, I guess the current situation handles that but not how I meant.

I already liked Jess and now I like her even more. She's a cape geek! Wonderful.

Luke is interesting cause he was the only person besides Noelle who was close to Krouse at the start, but he's the first (well, aside from Cody I guess) to leave him. Really went through a character arc. Also Krouse lists Luke's "individual tragedy" as "not getting to fly" which is hysterical.

Oliver is a trans girl. Headcanon 100% established. It just fits so well. She just needs to find herself! And once she does and realizes what she actually wants to look like her power will get her there and won't need to keep adjusting! Right now Oliver's power is doing performative masculinity for them.

Noelle has had a bad time. God damn. She was having a bad time before everything happened and now she's having a very bad time. Damn. I had some guesses about her correct. Figured she was like, monstrous bottom half and normal top half. And figured touching her was bad. But I didn't foresee "touching her creates mutated evil clones". I'm sure that won't be a major problem in the next arc or two. I'm sure there won't be evil mutated clones of a bunch of capes to deal with . . .

I had long figured Travelers had Cauldron powers. It just fit with their power levels and such. I had also figured whatever Noelle's condition was, it was related to having a Cauldron power. I had a lot of guesses. None of them were "only drinks half a vial". For some reason I thought everyone would be too smart to do THAT! (I have no idea why I thought that.)

Current guess is Noelle is sort of in a never ending "trigger" event. Her power is constantly in the "building and gathering" phase and is not reaching the "lock things down" phase that normally happens (Bonesaw talked about this). Definitely a lot of other things it could be, this is just the best fit I've found so far.

This goes for Oliver too, which is why their power keeps changing how they look. Oliver just got lucky and has much less significant troubles compared to Noelle.

Got to see lots of new Case 53's. That was fun.

I expect to see more of Accord in the future. Just cause like, he gets smarter the more complex the problem. And the world is supposedly going to end due to (I think) the actions of higher dimensional entities. That is a very complex problem. And at the same time, he seems like the kind of person that might see "billions die" as a good way to reduce chaos. To simplify the world. Not saying that is what he will do, just that it seems a shame to not bring him up again.

I knew 40 people had died due to actions of the Travelers. I did not know Noelle had eaten them all! Because she tried to starve herself. I can see why it's important to keep her well fed. And why it's going to be an issue that there is no longer someone providing her with thousands of dollars of meat a week. No waste though, she has a very efficient digestive system.

The ending, with Trickster just staring at the bloodstain left behind by Coil's body while Genesis stares out at the ocean ... very good. I mean, really sucks for them, but it was a very evocative arc ending.

I wonder who won the Ransack tournament? One team disconnected because the building they were in disappeared into a space hole. I wonder what the rules are for that?

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underground-secret · 1 year ago

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The Hunter and the Witch~ Dean Winchester x f!reader

Description: Sam confronts Y/N on her feelings for his brother.

Warnings: basically none but it is a little angsty. Sam playing cupid. Also Sam might be ooc- sorry

Tag list: @jesllianaquilesrolonsworld @okayiamkassandra ,

@fablesrose , @ada--44

A/N: Hi! To start off thank you so much for all the support recently I’m truly grateful for you all and i’m so happy to say I have people who seem to enjoy my writing. But on the writing note I just wanted to acknowledge a sort of plot hole:

if you have read the series up to now you probably know that it was said Y/N has a job and kept it (just doing it basically on her laptop alone) even when she went with the boys to find their Dad. I did this because I wanted a sense of independence for her as I felt like this made sense, would she drop anything to help them yes but I also don’t think she would be so quick to give up her life since she had her own house and didn’t hunt 24/7. Now as we are a little bit further into the story I don’t think she would have this job anymore but I also don’t know how to write it into the story and i don’t think i want to write a half chapter just on it (tho this might change). So for the sake of the story you can decide why she dosnt have this writing job anymore,for me I see it as she secretly quit after the skin walker hunt because she realized where her focus needed to go and how tiring hunting full time was. I also don’t think she ever brought it up to the boys out of fear of making them feel guilty, tho they probably figured it out and didn’t say anything either.

Anyways sorry for the rant i’ll let you read this now! And Happy thanksgiving to any and all who celebrate

Word Count: 819

A fool in love

(Master list, Previous Ch, Next Ch)

“Here you go” Sam says, placing a cup of tea in front of me having picked up our drinks from some local place as we sat in the library trying to find a new hunt or any clues to where his Dad could be.

He didn’t have a third cup with him, Dean having not joined us deciding instead to go find a “lead” in a bar.

“Thanks” I mumble before bringing the hot drink to my lips.

He sits down in front of me, shuffling in his chair awkwardly. “Are you okay?” I laugh lightly at his odd movements. He clears his throat, “Yeah, I, uh…can we talk?”

“Of course” I smiled at him, my eyebrows scrunched together slightly.

“Promise you won’t get annoyed” He starts off. I laugh, “Okay? But I don’t know if I can exactly promise anything when I don’t know what you’re gonna say.”

“Just…promise” He held out his pinky to me, something he knew I took very seriously. I smile harder, linking my pinky with his, the very sacred promise now in effect. He studies my face carefully as if to see if I was really serious even with the pinky promise.

He bites the inside of his cheek going silent for a beat before finally speaking, “Why don’t you just tell Dean you love him?”

“Sam-“ I sigh, not knowing what to say. We’ve had this conversation before, years ago, where it was established that Sam knew my feelings for his brother.

“Why would I confess to someone who doesn't feel the same way?” I finally say.

“But he does!” He practically yells, getting weird looks from those who sat around us- library rules and all that. His face flushes a deep pink with embarrassment, “Why is it so hard for you to believe that someone loves you, that he loves you?

“Look where he is right now, at a bar probably getting some girl's number or even leaving with her to hook up. He clearly doesn't feel the same for me as I do him.” I explained, a little frustrated. He doesn't say anything for a while again, “I think he does that to avoid his feelings for you.”

“Yes you think but you do not know and I…” I sigh, “I don’t want to get my hopes up.”

“Don’t you notice the way he stares at you? He couldn’t keep his hands off of you” He points out, referring to the Hook Man case. “That was for a cover” I answer simply.

“There were a lot of times where there wasn’t an excuse for a cover up, like the armchair.” The mere mention of me sitting on Dean's lap makes my face feel hot.

I don’t have anything to counter that, I mean it was just to amplify me being his girlfriend for a cover. That’s what it was.

He becomes all sassy and self assured as he speaks, “See! Deep down you know I'm right, you just don’t wanna admit it. And you know what I noticed?”

“What?” I humor him, making eye contact.

“Every time you get hurt or there’s even a little bit of concern towards you he stops hiding his feelings. It’s like suddenly no other woman exists, only you.

You have to have noticed that at least.”

I bit on my bottom lip in thought, he’s right. I can think of numerous occasions where Dean had ignored very attractive women when I was hurt or in the prospect of danger, exactly as Sam said.

No.

Nope.

Dean Winchester is not in love with me, it isn’t true.

“You know a couple months back” I begin, “I forget which hunt it was. But it was only like a month of being on the road with you guys and through that whole time it hadn’t mattered the circumstance, even when we were in the middle of hunting, or where we were, either way Dean was flirting or hooking up with some girl. And every single time I would feel this…this…pang in my heart or maybe like my heart had dropped into my stomach. Which only made me feel more like a fool.

So it got to a point where I just decided, you know what, I'm gonna force myself. I'm going to pretend that I don’t have feelings for him. That it doesn't pain me to see him like that with other women.

“Did it work?” He asks me, his eyes having a certain solemn look to them.

I sigh for the upteenth time, “No. For some stupid reason I can’t stop loving your brother.” He turns his eyes down towards the table.

I try to catch his eyes, “Do you get what I’m saying?”

He looks back up at me, “Yeah. My brother’s an idiot.”

I choke on my laugh, taking a deep breath before I speak, “Maybe. Or…maybe it just isn’t meant to be.”

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straycalamities · 2 years ago

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Oh my okay I've got several... no I've got plenty of questions abt Truffula Flu lol

So... I'll ask all I remembered I wanted to ask, I hope it won't be too much..

1. Why guns aren't allowed in camp Entre? Maybe I skipped few posts, but I didn't see explanation for this one

2. About zombie mutations. Is they're really become stronger or is it just Rocky and Entre become weaker cuz of their illnesses?

3. Swags mod said that Swag would probably leave camp and die somewhere in quite place, while trying to survive. Why would he leave people that he cares about? Im a little bit dumb and don't exactly understand his planned ending 8(

4. There was a moment when One-ler tried to convince Bitter to put him out of his misery, but he escaped that. And I was curious, if he actually killed him then, would Entre blame himself for that? And if so, would it be worse then he blamed himself when he killed Bitter by his own hands?

5. After Rockys planned death, would Swag blame Entre for this? I mean, emotionally shocked, blame him again about this apocalypse stuff, that Rocky wouldn't die if he wasn't infected and etc.

I hope I made myself clear cuz I dunno how to put some questions ughh😭😭

And again Im sorry if its too much questions!

PHEW THAT IS A CHUNKY LIST. i love it

1. guns are loud and the infected are drawn to loud noises so if you shot a gun you’d be ringing the dinner bell basically. i feel like maybe we touched on it directly? but if i’m wrong it’s probably bc it’s a common thing brought up in zombie apocalypse stories so we might’ve assumed ppl just Knew why none of them used or wanted to use a gun

2. they do become stronger! i actually have a whole list of mutations (and more can be added as ppl come up with them! it’s open lore basically)

i made a whole google doc explaining the actual truffula flu and the symptoms, risks, etc (content warning for if you’re sensitive to medical discussion?? i don’t know how to word it but i wrote it like ur typical online disease info page. also content warning for zombies bc. it’s entirely abt zombification.)

rocky and entre being weakened definitely didn’t help their situation but yes. it’s mainly bc the spiky zombie is faster and stronger than ur typical sort

3. this is kinda hard for me to answer bc i’m not the one who originally wrote it. i don’t rly know why it was planned for it to go like that. i guess out of irony? i know the original plan was for swag to be the sole survivor at the end, but that kinda clashed w other plans so it was changed. so maybe this was the compromise to that

i will say tho that. things had been discussed since that post was made and his story goes differently than was broadcasted. howso? you’ll just have to see :)

4. yes, entre still would’ve blamed himself because ultimately: this is all his fault. regardless of who dies how or where. they wouldn’t be in that situation if it weren’t for him. especially if it’s connected directly with the infection. especially if it’s right in front of him where he can’t ignore it

he wouldn’t have been AS devastated by bitters death if he weren’t the one that had to kill him tho, because the thing is: that was the first time entre had directly killed someone who was still “alive” (unless i’m forgetting some obscure shit i did or said idk it’s been over a decade) and not only that, it was someone who was still his friend despite what he’d done? and even more layers: he had worked so hard to get bitter to come out of his shell prior to the infection and actually be his friend and then this happens. and he has to be the one to end it. bc he was pressured into it

so honestly entres descent into immense self-loathing and all that would have been Very different from how we saw it if someone else had taken care of bitter

5. nah i don’t think swag would’ve like actively started pointing fingers at entre again at that point. like deep deep down swag can’t ignore that this IS entre’s fault and this WOULDNT have happened if not for his mistake, but…swag realizes in the story that it’s not gonna get them anywhere if he keeps holding on so hard to those facts. like if he keeps berating and belittling entre as payback for everything what’s actually gonna get better for that? nothing. all it does is give him temporary catharsis and even that gets cheaper and lasts less time every time he does it

entre wants to fix things so earnestly and tries and swag sees that and wants to help because obviously he also would like this to be undone or at least, cured. and they can’t help each other if they’re at odds. and so even if it’s really hard on him to lose rocky like that, i think at that point it’s just chalked up to “this bitch of a situation” and not “entre did this”

not forgetting the fact that at that point, entre is going to mean a LOT to him because of how their relationship has deepened. so he’s not gonna turn on one of the only ppl he has left

thank you for the questions!! 😊

#durachokmp3 #asks #truffula flu #entre #swag #survivialswag

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ethicallysourcedhumanmeat · 10 months ago

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god. so my current crochet class was miss-advertised and I've got a class of folks who have mostly never touched a hook before

and that on it's own is like frustrating but its fine. I have tutorials I have personally made, I sourced and purchased beginner level patterns, I took 2 classes to go over terms and stitches sent them home with materials to practice. I explained in class what to buy where to buy all of that.

basically I adapted, and supplied as many learning resources as I could and devoted 2 classes to beginner instruction while actively informing everyone multiple times that this is a project based class, you will pick a project and work on it.

I've also been clear that anyone who needs extra in person instruction can come to my drop in session on fridays for free. I'm also available on socials and by email for extra help, I'm willing to video call or make extra tutorials. I'm very clear on this, I get paid and extra 90mins a week just cover this availability.

But the class WAS STILL advertised as a project based class. where you pick a pattern and spend the classes working on it with me to instruct and help as you go. people have registered for this who do know a little or have taken a class from me and its really unfair to them to have me spending the entire class with the same people every week like???

and at the end of last week's class I stated clearly that this week we'll start projects, buy materials if you want to make a larger project. I explained how to read a yarn lable, how to read the material list on a pattern.

guys the emails

here's the thing, crochet feels awkward when you start, a lot of the issues people have can only be solved by doing it more. getting comfortable with the movements, getting your tension better it all comes with practice. crochet is forgiving but you have to actually start.

every time i teach i tell my students if you start with a square just finish it, dont keep restarting trying to figure out where you went wrong, make the whole square, then look at it. I say this because often there is nothing wrong but its new and it looks weird bc you're new, but the shape will cone about only if you keep going.

this is the first time I've gotten to the 4th hour of classes and none of the first timers will finish a square. and they can do it is the thing that bothers me. they hand me round 1 of a granny square and say "i just do not know what is going wrong" and i tug the stitches so its square, (showing them that that is all Im doing) tell them, "no its fine you're doing great!" they take it from me, unwind it and have me explain it again.

one woman is having tension issues, so I show her where on the hook to tighten the yarn, explain that even tho it feels like you should dont tighten the chain as you pull it off your hook or after you've pulled it off. I offer her a larger hook, the hook she brought is very small, i use that size on lace weight yarn. she refuses the larger hook, i watch her tighten the yarn after its off her hook. i explain again that these things are the problem. I get her a larger hook. she didnt use it.

like there are people there that make me feel like I'm on a reality show or a bad sitcom. I was begging them to just continue. To stop restarting to just have faith in themselves to set their goals to completion not perfection because its not going to be perfect the first time but it can get done. And again all these people CAN do it, I'm seeing them do it, anc telling them theyre doing it and they just literally tell me theyre not and restart whatever practice thing they tried.

I got an email response today from a lady that started last week and was 100% making perfectly good single crochet stitches by the end of class (2 hours), saying she didn't even know where to start and maybe she'll use the in class yarn and make granny squares because patterns will be too hard, maybe this class is too advanced.

this woman could crochet by the end of her first 2 hour class. i communicated that to her then like???

so i sent her a yarn label and explained (again) how to read it, told her that most of the patterns I provided last class were beginning friendly and like i said in my reminder email if she wants to start with a granny square project I can help her design it in class but she should by her own yarn and she won't really learn anything if she doesn't have a project goal.

i just genuinely do not understand how these people thought they were going to learn? if you want to learn to make something you have to start making the thing.

#like i get as adults #trying knew things #feels like more pressure to get it right #but also they paid to be there #they read the description #like you can't learn to crochet if you aren't crocheting something?#and i get the frustration #like I am going to school and having to do things #I've never done musically before #I get it #learning is hard #but I also need people who want to learn from me #to like grasp that #yeah i did it fast and mine is neater than yours #because I have 30 years of experience doing it #if you never finish a single granny square #you wont learn shit from me #I'm running out of nice ways to say it

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middleearthpixie · 2 years ago

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Brilliant Disguise ~ Chapter Ten

Summary: Speech therapist Josephine Asharm has been brought into Erebor to work with Bifur, but trying to find her place among people who eye her suspiciously would be difficult enough under normal circumstances, but when Sophie finds herself caught between the king, his most trusted lieutenant, and the dwarf she’s there to help? She’s certain no good can come of it. Being of Man, not only does she stand out in the dwarf kingdom, she’s not entirely certain she’s actually welcome there at all.

Thorin only agreed to allow Sophie to live amongst them out of a sense of duty to Bifur, who is recovering from an odd head injury (is there any other way to describe having an axe blade lodged in one’s head, only to have it later dislodged during the Battle of the Five Armies?) Before the battle, he spoke only khuzdul. But since it? He’s regained the ability to speak Westron—if only he could but remember any of it. As for Thorin? He’s trying his damndest to ignore the speech therapist, not to mention his own growing feelings for her, even as he is also recovering from his near fatal wounding in the same battle.

Both Sophie and Thorin are haunted by their pasts and are uncertain of their futures, but sometimes, chances must be taken…

A/N: I want to apologize for the slow updates, I haven’t been in a great headspace to write, and school is really chewing me up, so my free time is going to be at a premium, which means updates may be even slower. Thanks so much for your patience…

Pairings: Thorin Oakenshield x OFC Josephine (Sophie) Asharm

Characters:Sophie, Thorin, Heather, Fíli, Dís

Warnings: None

Rating: T

Word Count: 3,693

Tag List: @tschrist1 @i-did-not-mean-to @lathalea @linasofia @fizzyxcustard @legolasbadass @kibleedibleedoo @xxbyimm @arrthurpendragon @exhausted-humxn-being @rachel1959 @laurfilijames @sketch-and-write-lover @sherala007 @enchantzz @knittastically @notlostgnome @myselfandfantasy @medusas-hairband @guardianofrivendell @jotink78 @sorisooyaa @ruthoakenshield @frosticenow @quiall321 @dianakc @msjava1972

If you’d like to be added (or removed) to the tag list, please just let me know!

Previous chapters can be found here.

They jumped apart from one another at Heather’s sleepy question, both of them spinning toward her before Sophie skirted him to scoop her up. “What are you doing out of bed, love?”

��I thought you were having a bad dream, Mama. I heard you make that sound again.” Her sleepy eyes narrowed as she looked over her mother’s shoulder at him. “Did you hurt Mama?”

“Oh, sweetie, no, of course he didn’t,” Sophie told her with a smile, casting another quick glance at Thorin. “I simply… caught my shin on the edge of the table, is all.”

She looked from Heather back at Thorin then, and although he smiled, she didn't miss the slight bulge of muscle along his jaw that came from the tension of unspent desire. It swirled through her as well, her entire body achy and tight as she tried not to think about it.

Heather looked back at her. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine, love. Now, why don’t we get you back to bed?”

“Mister Thorin,” Heather peered over Sophie’s shoulder once more, “are you all right? You look as if you’ve hit your shin on the table as well. Did you?”

Despite her discomfort, Sophie managed a smile as Thorin cleared his throat. “I did, actually, and yes, I’m all right as well. But, perhaps your mother should rethink the placement of the table.”

“I’ll be back in a moment,” Sophie said as she started toward Heather’s chambers. “Let me tuck her in once more.”

“Take your time,” he replied, his voice almost back to normal now instead of husky as it was only a minute or so ago. “I’ll see myself out.”

Disappointment surged through her. “You don't have to go.”

“No, I think it best if I do.” He smiled, his eyes as soft as they’d been when he’d smiled at her before they were interrupted. “I will see you in the morning, Mrs. Asharm. And you as well, Miss Heather.”

“Sweet dreams, Mister Thorin.” Heather waved a chubby hand in his directions.

“Thank you, mimûna.” His pale eyes shifted to Sophie. “And sweet dreams to you, Mrs. Asharm.”

Despite her swelling disappointment, Sophie managed to smile and nod. “Thank you, Your Majesty. A good night to you.”

He bobbed his head and as she turned to continue down the hallway, the door opened and closed and a heavy silence descended in its wake. Heather tucked her head against Sophie’s shoulder. “I like him, Mama.”

“I do, too, little bit. But, we must remember—”

“He is the king and I shouldn’t pester him.”

Sophie gave her a gentle squeeze. “I do not think you’re pestering him and I have the feeling he would agree with me. But, he has much to do, as does Fíli, so you need to remember to respect that.”

They crossed into Heather’s chambers and as Sophie bent to set her in bed, Heather said, “I know, Mama. And I won’t bother them. I promise.”

Sophie smiled, brushing Heather’s dark curls away from her face. “I know you won’t. I’m just reminding you, that’s all.”

Heather let out a yawn and then a sleepy, “I like it here, Mama.”

“I do, as well,” Sophie murmured, still stroking Heather’s hair, smiling as her daughter’s eyelids slowly slid shut. Little by little, Heather’s breathing grew deep and even and when she was certain Heather was asleep, Sophie carefully pressed a light kiss into Heather’s forehead, then made her way out of her chambers, pulling the door closed behind her.

The apartment seemed so much quieter than usual, and Thorin’s scent—leather, earth, and man—still lingered in the air. With a soft sigh, Sophie settled onto the sofa, lifted her feet to settle them atop the stone table, and leaned her head back. It was the first time in a lifetime she didn't feel lonely, that she didn't feel isolated and cut off from other living souls. Sten wasn’t keen on allowing her friends and he was fiercely jealous of her patients. Not only that, but he’d often interrupt her sessions with them, which made for some very uncomfortable moments and was the catalyst in her decision to no longer use her home office, which was really no more than a storage shed behind their small house. It meant her patients’ privacy was no longer in jeopardy, but it also meant she would be subjected to Sten’s thorough and often furious inquisition when she returned home.

But she didn't want to think about that now, didn’t want to think about him at all. In fact, she’d be thrilled to never think of him again. He was the past. This was her future. At least, for now it was, anyway.

A hint of winter wove into the night breeze, but Thorin only barely felt it up on the rampart. With a soft sigh, he leaned against the stone parapet, gazing out at the lights of Dale in the distance. Yule was only weeks away now, and while it wasn’t his first since returning to Erebor, he was in the infirmary recovering from his battle with Azog at this time the previous year, and therefore missed it. It would be the first he’d celebrate in Erebor since he was a much younger dwarf.

He turned his glance upward at the night sky. A heavy blanket of clouds obscured the stars he so loved to come up and gaze at when he was a child. The night sky was always so much more interesting than the daytime one, and every now and again, he’d indulge a childlike wish when a star streaked across the black sea overhead. He’d yet to have a single one come true, but never say never.

“Thorin? What’re ye doin’ up here at this time of night?”

Thorin spun about at Dwalin’s gruff whisper, then let out a somewhat embarrassed laugh to have been caught stargazing at a starless sky. “I was just on my way to my chambers and thought a bit of fresh air was in order, is all.” He met Dwalin’s gaze. “And you?”

“Same.” Dwalin came out fully onto the rampart, stopping alongside Thorin to lead his forearms against the parapet, hands clasped, and also stared off toward Dale. “I need yer advice, where yer sister is concerned.”

“My advice?” Thorin couldn't help but chuckle at that. “You say that as if I might be able to actually offer up something useful where Dís is concerned.”

“I’m hoping ye can.” Dwalin turned his head to look at Thorin. “She leaves me at a bit of a loss, to be honest, and I’m not so certain I can overcome it.”

“Overcome what?”

Dwalin didn’t respond at first, but turned back toward Dale, which had gone mostly dark as the townspeople extinguished lamps to go to sleep for the night. “She has been keeping me at arm’s distance since Mrs. Asharm’s arrival.”

“Well, you did express an interest in Mrs. Asharm and Dís is no fool. She is not about to compete with anyone for your attentions, let alone a daughter of Man.”

“I made a mistake where Mrs. Asharm is concerned, and underestimated yer sister’s backbone. Which is a mistake I’ll not make again. And I’ve told her as much.”

“You need to speak to Dís about that, you know. I have no words of advice other than that. She is her own person and knows she need not answer to anyone, least of all me, as a result.” He sighed softly at the look of genuine dispiritedness creasing Dwalin’s normally stoic face. “But, that doesn’t mean she won’t forgive you your lapse, you know. She might just make you pay for it for a while.”

“A lapse. I walked with Mrs. Asharm, is all.”

“And tried to kiss her,” Thorin reminded him, his own gut twisting slightly at the image that leaped into the forefront of his mind. But then another image replaced it, the one of Sophie in his arms, her hands exploring him without a hint of shyness, her encouraging him to do the same to her. Now the tension in his gut, in his body, had nothing to do with Dwalin and everything to do with how close he’d come to sweeping Sophie to her bed to see what other pleasures they would discover together.

He scowled. No, that wasn't right. She knew. He’d be the one discovering it.

Dwalin must have seen him scowl, for he nudged Thorin’s shoulder. “What is it?”

“What is what?”

“You just made a face.”

Thorin smiled. “Just thinking aloud, so to speak. About what the solution to you and Dís is, I mean.”

Dwalin didn't look as if he believed him, but then he shrugged. “I didn’t expect ye to solve it, Thorin. Just thought ye might have a suggestion as to how I can even bring the matter up. Any time I try, she insists there is no trouble.”

“Perhaps then there isn’t.”

“Thorin, she speaks to me only when absolutely necessary and when I’ve asked for a moment of her time, she never has one to spare.”

“Well, to be fair, she has her hands full with Kíli and his upcoming wedding and Fíli and his seeming lack of interest in anything other than giving Heather Asharm riding lessons.”

“I beg yer pardon?”

Thorin nodded. “You heard me correct, Dwalin. And Dís is afraid he is thinking of traveling away from here, to see parts of the world where he won’t have to battle for his life. He mentioned something about spending some time in the Iron Hills, if memory serves.”

“With Dáin?”

“With Dáin.”

“That explains her foul mood then.”

“She feels he needs to take his responsibilities more seriously, considering he is my heir.”

“And what do you think?”

“I think he should go out and take all the time he needs to do the things he wishes to do.” Thorin shrugged. “There will be plenty of time for him to be tied to Erebor as king. I’d hate him to do so with unfinished business. He has no idea what responsibilities lie ahead of him, and how they will consume much of his time and leave him with almost none for himself.”

“The same could’ve been said to ye, ye know.”

“No,” Thorin shook his head, “it couldn’t. He and I are not of the same cloth. He will make a far better king than I am on my best day.”

“Ye’ve had yer moments, I’ll not argue that.” Dwalin looked over at him once more. “But, yer a fine king, Thorin. Don’t doubt that.”

“I am not so certain I’d agree, but thank you just the same.”

“Now, what’s the real reason ye are out here.”

Thorin smiled. “I needed the air. I’ve discovered children can have terrible timing.”

“Miss Asharm?”

“Miss Asharm.”

Dwalin chuckled. “The wee ones can make life interesting, I gather. But the important question is, did she see something she shouldn’t?”

“She did not, no. But, I also learned children can move with utmost stealth as well.”

“So, things with Mrs. Asharm are going nicely?”

“They are. I like her, Dwalin. And she seems to like me just as much and it leaves me at a bit of a loss as to why, but I don't mind fumbling my way through to find out.”

“Good. I hope ye enjoy yer fumbling, Thorin. At times, it can be the best part.”

“I do not want to know anything more in depth than that.”

“I’ll not say a word, but enjoy what ye find with her. It’s time ye were happy, laddie. High time ye were happy.”

“It feels odd,” he confessed softly, pushing away from the parapet as thunder rumbled softly in the distance. “And I have to admit, I don’t really know what to do with it.”

“Enjoy it. That’s what yer supposed to do. She will drive ye mad, but in the end, it should be worth it.”

“I thought that once before,” Thorin replied softly, shaking his head, “and it wasn't meant to be, remember?”

“Aye, I do. And now ye’ve a second chance. That doesn’t happen to everyone. Enjoy it. See where it leads and hope for the best. That’s all any of us can do.”

****

The next morning, Sophie sat in the courtyard with Bifur, smiling as he squinted at the parchment on the table before him, and read the simple paragraph with only a few minor hesitations.

“This is wonderful,” she told him when he looked up. “I told you it would come to you. You need only practice.”

“I still have difficulty,” he said in khuzdul.

“It’s all right,” she replied in Common Speech. “You’re getting it and that is the important thing.”

“Sometimes,” he began in slow Westron, pulling his brows low as he concentrated on each word, “it feels…”

He stopped. His hand tightened into a fist, but never moved from where it held down the corner of parchment. Sophie waited for him to continue, biting back the words of encouragement, having learned from experience that he needed to do things in his own time. He scowled at the parchment, pressed his lips together, and finally said, “As if I have gone stupid.”

He went silent again and she waited once more. Then, he lifted his head to meet her gaze and she took that as her cue. “You haven’t. Not in any way, shape or form. As I said, you are learning an entirely new language and it will take time, and it matters not how well you spoke it before your wounding. That blade,” she gestured to the faint scar that ran from just below his hairline up into his scalp, “basically reset your tongue, so to speak. And it’s as if you’re learning this language for the first time.”

He let out a low sigh. “It came far—far easier to me as a young dwarf.”

“That is not unusual, In fact, that is almost always how it works. Some people have a natural gift for languages. But most? Most struggle with them if they’ve not been exposed to them early in life.”

“I hate it.”

“I know. But, without it, I’d not have a job.”

It was a bit of risk, as sometimes his sense of humor was non-existent. And for a moment, when he just stared at her, Sophie had the horrible feeling this was one of said times.

But then, a glint came into his dark eyes. “I would not want that,” he finally said, a smile showing through his heavy black facial hair, “for I like having you here.”

Without thinking, she reached over and laid her hand atop his. “I think that is one of the nicest things anyone has said to me in a long time, Bifur. Thank you.”

A hint of scarlet swept along his cheekbones and he averted his gaze, murmuring, “I mean every word of it.”

“I believe you.” She patted his hand, then sat back. “So, shall we continue?”

He nodded. “Please.”

Over the course of the next hour, they sat there in the sun, while the breeze picked up and slowly, the temperature dropped, but with each word he managed to read and speak, Bifur’s confidence soared and the next word came more easily. By the time their session ended, he was almost beaming with happiness, with pride, and somehow, Sophie thought her pride in him was even greater.

“You did wonderfully today,” she told him as she gathered up the sheets of parchment to tuck into his file. “You should be proud of yourself and maybe go and celebrate.”

“Do you think I will one day regain my fluency?”

He asked in khuzdul, and she replied in kind, nodding as she said, “I do, yes. And probably much more quickly than you thought. You made an amazing breakthrough today. It should hopefully keep coming with greater ease.”

“I hope so.”

They stood at the same time and as she picked up the folder, she said, “I think it will. You’ll see.”

He almost beamed, looking the happiest she’d seen in the time she’d been in Erebor. “I thank you, Mrs. Asharm. I would not have done this without your help.”

“Well, I don't know about that, but I thank you just the same.”

“Mama!”

Heather came rocketing toward them, leaping at Sophie, who nearly dropped the folder as she caught her. “Heather, take care,” she scolded. “I’m not finished with Mr. Bifur.”

“I’m sorry, Mama…” Heather looked over at Bifur. “I’m sorry, Mister Bifur.”

“Worry not,” he said in Westron with a smile. “We were finished, Miss Heather.”

She smiled. “So you aren’t mad at me?”

He shook his head. “I am not. Would you like a shoulder ride? I know I am not as tall as Thorin, but I think you would still like it.”

He spoke slowly, methodically ,and Heather did not interrupt, but just watched him until he finished. Then, her pearly teeth flashed as her smile widened. “I would, indeed!”

“Would it be—be all right, Mrs. Asharm?”

Sophie smiled, passing Heather to him. “I think she would love it.”

He took Heather and carefully lifted to set her atop his broad shoulders and as she clutched his hands, he said, “Ready?”

“Go!”

And with that, he bolted across the courtyard like a horse, and Heather shrieked with laughter. “Faster, Mister Bifur!”

He obeyed, rocketing into the fortress as Narnerra emerged, shaking her head. “I do not think I’ve ever seem him actually playful before,” she said by way of greeting. “I don't know how she does it, but your Miss Heather has very dwarf in Erebor wrapped about her little finger.”

“She is just happy to have friends.” Sophie replied with a hint of a sigh. “She had none in Dale and when my husband lived, he was not one to play with her at all. He wanted quiet and playing made that impossible.”

“Mrs. Asharm, may I ask you a question?”

Sophie’s heart skipped a painful beat and her mouth went uncomfortably dry even as she nodded. “Of course, Narnerra. You may ask me anything.”

Narnerra looked over her shoulder, then gestured for Sophie to follow her to the table she and Bifur had vacated. Her blue eyes were serious, but shadowed with concern as she said, “Did your husband mistreat you? Mistreat Heather?”

Sophia hesitated. She didn't wish to speak of Sten, wanted only to forget he’d ever existed. Not to mention, she was conditioned to insist everything was as it should be and she was absolutely happy, no matter how great a lie it might be.

But in the weeks since she’d come to Erebor, Narnerra had shown herself to be a good friend and it had been so long since Sophie had had an acquaintance, never mind an actual friend, that she could no longer resist the urge to unburden herself, even if only a little bit.

She drew in a deep breath and slowly nodded her head. “He was not a kind, jovial man. He saw his wife and daughter as obligations to be grudgingly tended to, not as people or even objects of great importance.”

“And did he raise a hand to you?”

“I’d rather not speak of it, Narnerra. It is in the past and there is shall stay.”

“Does Thorin know?”

She nodded slowly and murmured, “He does, yes.”

“Sophie,” Narnerra touched her arm, her hand warm and gentle, “you are safe here and Thorin will allow you stay as long as you wish, even if you pronounced Bifur cured tomorrow.”

“It matters not,” Sophie replied softly, shaking her head as she forced a smile she didn't truly feel to her lips. “Sten is gone. He’s gone and he won’t be coming back.”

“Even so, you are welcome to remain here. You and Heather. Remember that. And no one will find their way in here without the king’s permission.” Narnerra’s fingers tightened about Sophie’s forearm. “You are safe here.”

“I know, but once my work here is done, I will not impose on your hospitality. I know how dwarves view Men and—”

“We make exceptions for those worthy and you, Mrs. Asharm, are worthy. Besides, I want to see how many other stonehearts Miss Heather can chip into pieces.”

Sophie smiled, a hint of relief ribboning through her. “She adores all of you. You don't yell at her, or shout oaths at her. You do not call her names or tell her she is a pest. You treat her as if she was one of your own kind and Gimli seems to have made it his quest to watch over her. And I thank you all so much for everything.”

“She is a sweet child,” Narnerra said. “And between you and me, I’ve never seen Thorin so mushy before. Not since his nephews were wee lads and that’s going back some time. He’s good for you, but you and Miss Heather are also good for him and I hope you remember that.”

“Thank you, Narnerra. That means much, coming from you.”

“And I mean every word of it.” Narnerra smiled and gave her arm another squeeze. “And now, why don’t we go in before the snow comes and we freeze out here? I don’t know about you, but I could go for a bit of tea with some brandy in it to warm up. Come down to my apartments and share some with me?”

“I’d love to. But I should probably go and rescue Bifur.”

Narnerra chuckled. “I think he’s probably holding his own just fine, but I’m sure Gimli would like to see her. He’s been in bed sick most of the day with a stomach bug, thanks to his father not believing him when he said his pheasant smelled off.”

“Oh, that poor boy.”

“Exactly. So, let’s go find Heather, and she and Gimli can giggle together while you and I warm up and giggle together.”

Sophie smiled. It sounded like the perfect way to end a good day.

#The Hobbit #Thorin Oakenshield #Hobbit Fic #Hobbit Fanfic #Fan fiction #The Hobbit fan fiction #Thorin x OC #AU #Thorin Fic #Is it hot in here?#Romance #Richard Armitage

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thewingedwolf · 7 months ago

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okay i’ve watched a few seasons now, and i’m about to move into pre-new era seasons so-

that do or die twist is so unserious omg

i know big brother has gaslighting, spying, & manipulating too but these people just straight up going through each other’s bags is so funny, they all talk about lifelong friendships but they also don’t give a FUCK lmao

(none of these are in any order, just top 4)

faves in 41: shan, xander, erika, evvie

faves in 42: maryanne, romeo, lindsay, drea

faves in 43: i did not watch; i’ve seen the discourse around this season and i simply Don’t want to feel pain like this so i put it off for now

faves in 44: i did not watch; like purely because of the nonsense going on with carson aksjdjd i might genuinely go back to this one later

faves in 45: kaleb, kellie, jake. why did i only list 3 people? bc genuinely it’s a four way tie between dee katurah julie and emily, like this was an amazing season for women. also, the hottest season.

i think it says a lot about me that one of my favorites three seasons in a row was a zero vote finalist aksjdjd personally i think this means one of my faves this season is gonna be one too, i’m guessing venus or q

shan making dx hum her betrayal theme song on the challenge usa is so much funnier with context bc she LITERALLY hummed it out loud while thinking about how she’d have to betray one of her besties aksjsj the nerve of that woman is insane i love her

the way i got so excited for deshawn to make a comeback in that lil chicken & veggies alliance only for him to truth kamikaze his way through that tribal is just…..i actually had to walk away from my tv my secondhand embarrassment was so bad

i think it’s a lot different when you know who is going to win because i went in paying attention to erika and really vibing with her but i get the impression no one was expecting her to win the way that a lot of people thought maryanne would win over everyone else in f5.

that said, i think 41 was my favorite bc i love when people are smart but also canNot keep their mouths shut, these people were so gossipy and got soooo heated with each other, but i didn’t hate anyone, i was rooting for everyone, like i was riveted i had fun.

i literally keep replaying that “do i believe that? no i do not,” moment between naseer and heather on loop in my mind it was soooo funny aksjsjs

xander scruffy looking…….i would fold so fast i’m afraid 😔

that said, i had to walk away during some of his answers for the final tribal because he is just so sweet but he is SO unaware i was HURTING even with evvie and ricard clearing trying to lead him to an answer, it took like four false starts for him to name a good social read and everyone to nod and go “oh yeah that one makes sense”

drea’s comedic timing is unparalleled. i have never laughed that loud at a reality tv contestant, her voice is just so expressive. yes i’m talking about the potato line she is funnier than every comedian on netflix to me

that season had me screaming every episode it was really fun to watch and maryanne just like. sparkles. she’s enchanting.

i hope jonathan [redacted for legal reasons]

austin is so sexy to me because he really just laid down and died so his super hot girlfriend could win a million dollars, that’s the perfect man

actually i’d like to say it again. hottest cast. austin & dee was just pretty on pretty. jake is adorable. kellie. katurah. emily. kaleb. hottest cast by far.

i’ve been listening to know it alls & why blank lost just to get a feel for strategy and i’m excited to get through older seasons to see gameplay without so many twists because yeah there’s like a LOT of them esp in 41. it’s funny listening to them all bitch about this constantly tho. also interested in eventually watching a season without fire making - the next group i’m looking at are david v goliath, heroes v healers v hustlers, millennials v gen x, and gamechangers. might flip around a bit before i land on one tho.

#survivor 46 #survivor 45 #survivor 42 #survivor 41 #rani makes text posts no one will read

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madfantasy · 1 year ago

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Dear blogging

So happy I finished one of my biggies, happeir it made other's day (or just hurt their feels, I'm sorry I know im depressing heh 8"c

Hugs to dears💛

I've been doing nothing but strictly drawing lately, thanks to the wave of bugs that is paralysing my normal focus and gives me constant nightmares that jolts me awake every time I'm desperately fallen asleep. They are not as intense anymore, thankfully, but my paranoia wouldn't let out.

On the bright side, I am drawing more than ever and those sticky notes taken down at last after a century of em up 8D ✨️✨️✨️

(Just wanted to show a sense of their volume at the beginning, these are just the ones who perished and I thought I came out to piles of dirt, at first x'c)

In the pauses between the signing muse in my brain, in complete immersion, i don't remember what got me to guardians discussing something, and it came about the subject of mental health and trauma. Some way or another, I managed to tell one of my truths, which is that I am fairly certain that I am on the spectrum. Of course, it started with the usual denial and unreasonable yelling. Yelling that automatically shuts me down, but I yelled back even though my voice wasn't helping. It keeps disappearing alongside the ability to find words as I try to explain it all. Finally, I felt it dawned on them, and only when they said they 'now know it is to find help with', I broke down. They were comforting me by keep saying we'll fix it. I wanted to say it's not something broken to be fixed, but I was deep in hyperventilation to be able to articulate it..

It has been a few weeks since then, and I didn't want to bring it up because my chest was hurting me too long after the ordeal.

In a way, I don't know why i bothered to tell them because realistically, they can't do anything. As everything dear or near to me, I can't tell them causally, and it never had real bearing on anything. They need tending cause they are ill and elderly, and i do my best until it comes to dealing with people, I become just as crippled and can't function without them. I never show them my art, or tell em i want surgery for my dysphoria or I'm none of society's conditioning of identities or whatever they are willfully ignorant in. But I make points to remind them that im not a mere gender and I still correct them when they wrong name me, my simplest wishes they can't comply with. Even by the religionlNthey uphold, not to call women a degrading word in arabic that means that she is a forbidden object, they kept using it it but not around me... I don't know why i try, but they are my world, my only world, and the only humans i know and depend on. I'm not able to do anything now but draw, everything else i tried to do i either have forgotten or have no further means to do more, I might as well have forgotten how to speak English if it wasn't in everything I communicate with, consume and own set to it, and every now nd then write these so called diaries, ive already forgotten how to write my precious poems in arabic, or write in arabic as swiftly as i used to. I wake up most days with complete apathy or regret that I'm still living and costing to take space in this world.. my guardian asked me, who in support or women driving and having independent lives, if I could right now a chance learn to drive, will I do it. I said no. Even tho for years I knew with upmost certainty that I could do it, I always wanted to do it and have endless dreams of me driving, I always studied the booklets with our car to learn the road signs and all. But now I can't. Things I did by force of necessity on my own, I can't do anymore. I know I'm not the good elder sibling either cause I'm not always there to argue for my siblings, and it adds more and more to the guilt I can't clear, but I try buy them toys or a meal every chance I get commissioned.

I don't know what can be set in motion, at least I know I can hold on till 36, and while still having my drawing list to go through. Even with the same old interests, or hyperfixations should i say, things I can't change and seemingly have no gain posting around, especially when it comes to fanart. Otherwise, will be doodling fantasy junk such as these on me own

I wish all of you the best 🍀

Crying with makeup on and then laughing cuz I forgot I tried to do art on my face and now we can add 'crying in makeup' to our first time experiences lo' 10 pm, 6.6.2023

#text #drawing journey #personal

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justwritingandartreferences · 2 years ago

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Directory

All my posts have finally been sorted into one or more tags so that it’s easier to find what you’re looking for. Don’t bother with the search bar, every tag I use will be provided in the notes of this post in alphabetical order, so just click them and go from there. Each tag also starts with “navigation:” so that it hopefully doesn’t end up in a main tag somewhere and confuse people. If it did and you’re (reasonably) annoyed to have stumbled across this, just send me an ask to let me know, and I’ll fix it.

Here’s a list of clarifications for tags that aren’t straightforward:

General: anything that doesn’t fit cleanly into one of the other tags

Whump: either actual whump posts, content useful for whump, or general information regarding trauma

Writer’s block: content to help clear up writer’s block or just to get a plot moving in general

Relationships: mostly romantic, a couple of platonic posts

Rocks: I never know what gemstones to use in my fictional jewelry, here’s any and all reference to pretty rocks, their properties, and what they look like

Information: lists of resources, useful for researching a topic. Will almost always have additional, specifying tags

Object: the subject of the post is a cool-looking object. Mostly a reminder of stuff that exists that I might forget about, like things to populate a background with

Plants: separate from the “nature” tag because I pick favorites

Prose: anything to do with the actual process of writing. Word choice, sentence structure, foreshadowing, etc.

Pedantic: want a random factoid that’ll take up maybe a paragraph at most but is still important to write accurately? Want to know the differences between two or more often-confused things?

Anthropology: similar to worldbuilding, but it has to do specifically with human civilization, past and present, real and fictional

Concept: inspires an idea for a story or some worldbuilding

Characterization: tips on writing characters and inspiration for making characters

Crafts: from weaving to lockpicking, if it’s a dedicated skill that you could give a character, it’ll be sorted into this tag

Children: because I don’t know how to write children :(

Crime: could conceivably be used for nefarious purposes, and likely will be in whatever story I write it in, but isn’t inherently criminal (usually)

Everything (exclusive label): that one post that fit too many and yet none of my established categories

There are two (2) posts that cannot be tagged because of reblog restrictions on the original post. God help you if you need to find them. Also there are a couple posts tagged with WIPs that I’m working on, either with the main character’s name or the story they’re in.

Edit: didn’t realize there was a tag limit. Removed the tag for “general” to make room for “writer’s block” :(

Edit: navigation: general. “navigation: everything” is still cut out tho

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cannibalise-the-citrus-fruits · 2 months ago

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1: yes

2: p sure my dad

3: yeah

4: not particularly, although that might just be bc I don't tend to put myself in situations that would dredge things like that up

5: single

6: something painless

7: ribs 🤤🤤🤤🤤

8: not right now, but I used to do marching band

9: no

10: depends

11: I like a lot of people. none romantically tho, which I think is what this question is asking

12: no

13: not on a personal level, no

14: not anyone in particular, but I do wish I remembered to reach out and talk to people more

15: two cats, and a few fish. I will admit to caring about the cats more than the fish

16: introspective

17: no

18: yeah. recently learned I am far more afraid of smaller spiders than larger spiders when there was like a three or four inch spider just sitting near the art cubbies in class a few weeks ago. didn't freak me out nearly as much as a one inch spider would have

19: depends. to see different historical eras, absolutely I would, but if we're talking more personal, make your life better by making a different decision? I'd have to think about it way more

20: snogged? what are you, british? N/A

21: video games, reading fanfiction, hopefully gonna visit my grandpa

22: idk, ask me again when I'm not 18

23: no, but I've been considering getting my ears pierced

24: Math. I fucking love math

25: didn't I already answer this one? question 14? if the two are meant differently I don't know what the difference is

26: no particular foods, just ate me some tasty ribs

27: not romantically to my knowledge, but this feels like a bit of an ambiguous question

28: no

29: N/A

30: these questions feel very hetero/amatonormative and that's starting to get on my nerves

31: I certainly hope so, my parents are sitting in the same room rn. if my parents didn't love me I would be very sad

32: lime green

33: I don't think I do, no

34: I don't remember. maybe I should start a dream journal. that could be fun

35: honestly, it's been so long I have no idea

36: I don't think I do, no

37: the processes of those two things are not comporable enough to say which is easier in my opinion

38: LMAO no. If I had to pick, I'd probably say 2021, but I also wasn't especially affected by the start of the pandemic

39: see, this is what I was talking about back in question 30. N/A

40: no

numbers 41-50 are missing

51: the homemade pizza recipe my family makes. it's really good

52: I believe everything happens for multiple reasons. I ate ribs today because someone suggested it when my family and I were making a meal plan for this week. the ribs were kinda mid because we made double the amount we usually do and weren't as familiar with the recipe in large quantities. I'm writing this list because I feel like it. in terms of like, higher purpose reasons? no

53: I won a game of civ 6

54: depends on ur definition. having sex with someone outside an established relationship? as long as everyone is okay with it, do whatever. doing that but one party is unaware/not okay with it? no

55: I am not qualified to answer this question because this is a subjective quality and I am biased in favor of myself.

56: I think like one. maybe two. this was also back in elementary school

57: bestie what does that even mean. there are so many ways this can be interpreted.

58: depends on the time of day. cloudy/light rain during the day, clear at night (although rain isn't unwelcome overnight)

59: yeah

60: see answer 22

61: idk, it's never happened to me

62: more things than can be listed in a tumblr reblog, and many more that I haven't found

63: no, I'm pretty happy with the name my parents gave me

64: I'm pretty sure this is meant romantically, in which case, N/A and also go look at my answer for question 30 again

65: QUESTION THIRTY AGAIN MY GOD. anyways probably talk about it with them.

66: this is the third answer in a row that I'm gonna have to refer you back to question 30. I am going to be VERY GENEROUS and pretend that you just mean "friend you are romantically attracted to", in which case no, but only bc I'm not currently attracted to anyone. I was fully capable of this when I was down bad two years ago

67: I really wish I didn't have to cite question 30 again. and I wouldn't, if it weren't for the fact that, taken with the context of the other questions here, this question has connotations of "ooooooo someones got a cruuuuuuuush you should go talk to them and see if they're interested" instead of what would otherwise be interpreted as "when was the last time you had a conversation with someone with whom you do not share these particular traits". to answer the contextless question, like ten minutes ago I had a small chat with my mom.

68: a few days ago I brought up immortality in the car with my sibling and I think that was a pretty interesting conversation.

69: no

70: I think if it came down to it, no.

Having now gone through the entire list, I can confirm that these questions were, indeed, horrible. Not because they were especially introspective or personal, but because OP needs to learn how to ask better questions.

70 horrible questions ... Fuck it

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? 02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? 03: Do you regret anything? 04: Are you insecure? 05: What is your relationship status? 06: How do you want to die? 07: What did you last eat? 08: Played any sports? 09: Do you bite your nails? 10: When was your last physical fight? 11: Do you like someone? 12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? 13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? 14: Do you miss someone? 15: Have any pets? 16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? 17: Ever made out in the bathroom? 18: Are you scared of spiders? 19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? 20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? 21: What are your plans for this weekend? 22: Do you want to have kids? How many? 23: Do you have piercings? How many? 24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? 25: Do you miss anyone from your past? 26: What are you craving right now? 27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? 28: Have you ever been cheated on? 29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? 30: What’s irritating you right now? 31: Does somebody love you? 32: What is your favourite color? 33: Do you have trust issues? 34: Who/what was your last dream about? 35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? 36: Do you give out second chances too easily? 37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? 38: Is this year the best year of your life? 39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? 40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? 51: Favourite food? 52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? 53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? 54: Is cheating ever okay? 55: Are you mean? 56: How many people have you fist fought? 57: Do you believe in true love? 58: Favourite weather? 59: Do you like the snow? 60: Do you wanna get married? 61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? 62: What makes you happy? 63: Would you change your name? 64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? 65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? 66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? 67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? 68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? 69: Do you believe in soulmates? 70: Is there anyone you would die for?

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steel--fairy · 6 months ago

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ive been on a pjo kick lately so. me ocs if they were demigods : )

violet would be asclepius, my sweet healer child.... she'd have some story where she arrived with red whos, like, a son of zeus or whatever (blue would be a legacy, oaks the actual demigod) and he's all super strong and naturally good at everything while she struggles and is unclaimed until she realizes her healing powers : )

daphne already has powers with her empathy but dunno who that could translate to... going through minor gods in my head like uuuuh. none of these fit. maybe they're just randomly there. ignoring them, she's totally a nike kid because shes my protagTM protag haha

those grey eyes dont lie, ivy is a daughter of athena. im sure this is probably the most surprising one on the list lol but its also about who their parent would attract and norman-athena makes sense. ivy is definitely an unconventional athena spawn, but she can, occasionally, be strategic. she usually just chooses not to be.

i literally named chryssas dad apollo so. she is now the grumpiest daughter of apollo to ever exist. she'd have primarily light and music powers to her disgust. she wanted the archery skills.

ieva is aphrodite.... maybe apollo? dunno. ......maybe zeus? hm, if i gave her zekrom i definitely would've had her as zeus lol don't know for her, all three feel very fitting

bryony would be hermes, I think. she'd like the idea of being able to pick locks lol but really, she's more of the travel side of things

carmella is so a daughter of aphrodite. and a two mom birth with bicon grace lol also deffo a charmspeaker

kiana is the only one where her 2 parents are plot relevant so. i think she'd be a clear sighted mortal. that and/or a hunter of artemis (as i literally named her after diana)

lili is so dionysus. she likes driving people mad (both definitions of the word lol). and she has purple eyes! (that would also make bede a son of dionysus which..... lol but i can also somehow see it)

my first instinct for jess is like hades but idk. poseidon also comes to mind (probably because neptune by sleeping at last is my go to song for her lol) as well as hecate. I'm gonna go with hecate tho... it's her vibes.

for the sake of everyones sanity (and belongings) alyssa is neither a child of hermes or aphrodite lol no thieving abilities and no charmspeak. but hermes do fit well tho so instead I'll pick nemesis : )

#text be mine #hmmm i swear ive written something like this down before in my personal notes but idk where #couldnt find em #oc: ieva #oc: ivy #oc: violet #oc: daphne #oc: chryssa #oc: bryony #oc: carmella #oc: kiana #oc: lili #oc: jess #oc: alyssa

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pingnova · 1 year ago

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Thanks for being honest about how hostile most Christians are to even the most basic show of support for queer people. Christians love to claim the Bible is only full of nice things and any of the overwhelming evil that's come out of it over the millennia is just random bad faith outliers who weren't true christians. The reason those folks probably think their religion supports their bigotry is because the official church organizations materially do support their bigotry and have for centuries, even if it's not supported by the words in the book

Christianity is synonymous with colonization, it has been the single largest concentrated force for homophobia cisheteronormativity misogyny forced pregnancy and child abuse for the entire lives of everyone alive today, at the very least. Personally i don't think it's worth trying to reclaim an ideology that's filled with bigots and officially stands for bigotry. I don't think there's anything worthwhile in there that you couldn't find somewhere else where it isn't packaged along with bigotry. If someone publicly affiliates with Christianity, they're broadcasting to strangers there is a high likelihood they don't recognize the personhood of over half of the people on this planet and believe they will be cosmically punished for their divergence. I'm going to assume they're a bigot until they prove they're not, and after that point, I'll wonder why they lend their name to an organization that stands for bigotry if they don't believe in it.

I don't think this is an unfair assumption. I saw how American Christians acted toward queers during AIDS, I'm not just gonna forget. They were very vocal. That's what Christianity means to millions of people around the world

Yes I agree if someone tells me they're Christian I'm instantly on guard for these reasons. I do personally find redeeming value in it but I'm fully aware of the terrible things people have done in its name. Forced conversions, boarding schools, anti-abortion campaigning, advocating for more queers to die during AIDS. Too many to list here. As a queer Christian myself I can't really afford to be romantic about it. I believe Christianity could do so much good, and yet the majority of those who claim it choose not to. So I tend to not talk about my personal conviction IRL too much, and if I do I make it clear as quickly as I can that doesn't eclipse my queerness or progressive convictions, but actually goes along with it.

A lot of unpleasant and conservative brands of Christianity get a pass on account of "religious freedom" and I feel like I'm in a particularly good place to openly criticize them. I also practice this religion and don't feel the need to oppress people over it. In fact we have a lot of the opposite convictions. So I don't think enacting laws to hurt people because you believe something or its "in the bible" is right, because that's not part of MY version of your religion and i didnt see that in MY bible. Sus. I can only do so much tho, being queer I'm marginalized and then being ELCA I'm kind of marginalized in the wider Christian world, like my post outlined. There are Christian bodies out there doing good but sadly they are the minority. They shouldn't be the minority, especially bc none of that conservative crap is "in the bible", but that's the reality. And even those groups likely did terrible things in the past and now have to grapple with how to right that.

To me, bigotry is not a religion. That's my motto. People and groups can practice whatever religion they want, but they should be held accountable for their bigotry no matter what. And I give them an unimpressed stare if they try to tell me it's what their religion says.

#asks #personal #christianity /

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solitaireships · 1 year ago

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The Steadfast Fic List

So! I wanted to share some of the fics I've written about James and Chae-Yeong because as I've mentioned a couple of times, Chae-Yeong was originally created half as a self insert, and some of the fics I write about them do majorly have me using her for that. And both of them are my F/Os in general, so it feels appropriate to have the fics I've written about them here

This post will have some links to some of my favorite stories I've written about them, as well as some info about them and snippets from them! Not all of my Steadfast fics are listed here, but you can read the others on my ao3. The stories with ratings higher than G are under the read more

if you end up checking out any of these fics, I'd love to hear thoughts on them! tho if you're going to comment on the fics on ao3, I'd prefer if you didn't mention they're self shippy since I like to keep that restricted to here and my self ship ao3 account

Discretion

Rating: G, Word Count: 956, Genre: Fluff

Chae-Yeong likes that their relationship is private. She doesn’t want people to know about them, and admittedly it can be exciting trying to get together in secret. But looking at James in a freshly pressed suit that’s a dark shade of gray that he rarely wears these days, it’s hard not to think about getting to show him just how attractive he looks in it.

you could say I'm fond of you

Rating: G, Word Count: 958, Genre: Fluff

Chae-Yeong takes off her shoes, grunting as she bends over. On nights like these it’s more clear than usual that she’s getting older, and her back always seems to be sore these days. Exhaustion only heightens the feeling of every ache and pain in her body, so it’ll do her good to get some rest. Especially when she knows James will be waiting in bed for her.

Steadfast for the Holidays

An assortment of monthly one shots based around different holidays. Almost all of the fics are about 2000-3000 words, and they’re mostly fluff, with one being hurt/comfort instead. All fics in this collection are rated G or T. All of the stories can standalone, so you can read all of them or just one. My personal favorites are absolute isolation and Memorial

Content warning for Memorial that it discusses James’s PTSD and body image issues, so it may be too heavy for some readers. None of the other stories have any warnings for them beyond some suggestive comments in the stories rated T

The excerpt here is from absolute isolation

It’s quiet. Almost peaceful. In the everyday madness of running an academy, military, and kingdom along with working with Oz.pin, it’s easy for James to get lost in his duties and forget to settle down. It’s hard for him to force himself from his work, especially when he knows that so many people are counting on him, but the Council is suspended for a week, and classes at Atlas won’t start up until around the same time.

It’s rare that James ever gets anything remotely close to a break, so he might as well take advantage of what little time off he has. Especially if it means getting to spend time with Chae-Yeong.

rebooted relationships

Rating: M, Words: 4392, Genre: Hurt/Comfort

Content warnings: Discussion of sex, body image issues related to prosthetics

James wants to hug Chae-Yeong. He wants to keep her close to him. He wants to hold her and put his hand on the small of her back and stay like this for the rest of the night. They can pretend that things are normal and be in love again like they were back when they were at At.las Academy.

But the reality is that things are different. Neither of them are the same people that they used to be, and while James knows that he can still love Chae-Yeong, he can’t shake the thought that he wouldn’t deserve any love from her in return.

Tokophobia

Rating: M, Word Count: 4549, Genre: Hurt/Comfort

Content warnings: Panic attacks, emetophobia tw, and the main theme of this story is tokophobia (the fear of pregnancy) so some potentially upsetting view of pregnancy and motherhood are a big part of it. This was a vent fic, so read at your own discretion

When you’re a public figure, you have to be used to people saying things about you that you’re uncomfortable with. Chae-Yeong is fine with people talking about her behind her back about almost anything. She’s never liked when people objectify her, seeing her as nothing more than a sex object or prize to be won.

But Chae-Yeong would much rather hear someone bemoaning they can’t sleep with her than talking about how she should be pregnant and have kids by now.

Dividers from here!

#my posts #my writing #💫#🦾#steadfast #my favs of these favs are probably rebooted relationships #discretion and absolute isolation

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emeraldbabygirl · 2 years ago

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Bruh it’s getting to the point that my blog is so messy and such an eyesore and I hate my fics so much that I want to just deactivate. Either completely or start fresh. Like I rarely tag reblogged so sometimes my own posts cause I get lazy and just don’t feel like tagging and then later on when I try to find a post I can’t cause I didn’t tag it or I did and I can’t remember what tags I used or the tags don’t register so I have to search through multiple other posts just to find the one I want

And my blog has like a cute pfp and header and colors but all my posts are just chunks of texts with the same plain ass font and my master list is the most basic master list I’ve ever seen and some of the links are broken and I can’t find the posts to fix them so they stay broken.

I don’t have a layout with easy to get to posts, I don’t have cute lil fonts and details in my posts, I don’t put links within links like what some people do with their masterlists and I know I originally made fics and posts for myself and then I started putting tags in but half my posts I’ve made over the past couple months I feel are a complete waste of time even if I reblog them myself, they aren’t even good posts like the content is a complete train wreck I talk about so much in some posts when it’s supposed to be like one topic and then I have the audacity to get “upset” or “disappointed” when my posts get no notes at all or like 2 likes or a reblog. Like I should be grateful people even bother to look at my dumb shit and say “I like that.” Like I have over a thousand followers and I notice the same like 2-5 people in my notifs that like or make any interaction at all with my posts. Idk what the others are doing but I just ugh. And I constantly feel like I have to make posts on everything and I have to constantly be on tumblr and I have to message people and I have to do this and this and I like when I took breaks from tumblr but my mind is constantly running and I want to share my thought cause sometimes I imagine people liking my posts and stuff. Idk I’m just ranting which I do a lot. And like I notice blog that have lil tags for when they ramble and things and I had that with the 3 brain cell hour but that’s not a thing anymore.

I totally get the destructive feeling of wanting to cleanse your account and get rid of everything and start fresh with a new identity but there are some things on this blog that I want to keep to look at later if I want. I have most of my gifs backed up but now I can’t back anymore up cause my computers are both dead and I can’t charge them cause there’s something wrong with the cable. I think Cooper chewed it like he did my last two pairs of earbuds.

And and because in complete Willow fashion I have to spill everything, I get days off where I want to catch up on a comeback of write a little or watch a series or do something that makes me feel like a mature adult but my day off gets here and I do none of that. I revert to channel surfing all night and into the morning when there’s nothing of interest on. And I watch like one video then “feel the need” to come here and share whatever my thoughts are and I feel like in a way, some of the things I do, if they are recent habits, have before so “organized” that they aren’t really organized and it’s not like “oh do this if you want whenever you have free time” it’s “this is what you should do on your day off as your free time” and then it doesn’t feel like free time. But then..ok I’m gonna stop now cause I do my want to get into literally everything even tho I really just dump shit on this account.

Tl;dr: I think I need another break but I just want to focus on one fic and I want to clear out my drafts of unfinished fics and I want to get away from the internet and social media. But I also wish I could learn how to make my blog more appealing to the eyes and make things that maybe will invite more people to my blog, I want to start making cooler looking layouts and things and learn how to make gifs but I’m obviously so lazy anyway which is another problem. And I don’t like to spill everything about me online, unless I’m talking to someone I trust I’d rather have my blog be less personal like I don’t want everyone to know everything about me but sometimes I just want to spill everything.

#still too long of a post ugh #I think a lot of it is also my everyday routine is the same #and I feel like I never look forward to anything anymore #unless if it’s a dinner I like or a lunch I pack that I’m excited to have #I go to work at a place I don’t like with people I don’t fit in with #I’m not happy fully in my life rn #idk what to do to make things better #I have my ups and downs and the meds help the downs not stay down #but it’s the same thing everyday and I kinda feel trapped #but I am too comfortable to do anything different and too scared #ignore all these tags I’m still ranting 🙄#rant #personal #and I need a new tag other than rant and personal #I need a personal personal tag for when my mind just goes #I also have a bunch of posts I scheduled and shit #plus like the series is taking longer than I thought #and I want it to be finished

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