#just think about it. brian has no sense of self. he attaches his sense of self to julian. julian is his fp

[lovecatsys]

Brian Cruz has BPD

[lakesbian]

How do you think Alec would have handled getting the Valkyrie treatment? Being made into a puppet in the same way that he did to other people, his sacrificial suicide being subverted by another cape who uses people as tools but in a much more complete and permanent sense, coming back wrong and having his cape identity irrevocably a part of his body and self, and no longer being able to take off the mask, is this anything?

see i've rotated this extensively in my mind before because i think coming up with how a cape's design would turn out if they got glastig uained is a really fun exercise (do that shit to lisa for some Fun eyeball body horror!!) but i'm struggling to come up with what would happen to alec :( the most obvious answer is the crown becoming like. Attached. to his head. but id ont know if that's too far out there. there's also the concept of having his face frozen in a permanent smirking expression but i feel like that would go Too tragically counter to the point of a 'surprise hes back again' au wherein he would be expected to. yknow. realize and experience some of his feelings again at some point. so yeah i'd need someone else to help me figure that one out.

anyway the actual experience of being glastig uained. if i recall correctly in ward brian says it was basically just like waking up feeling like everything from before he died was just a few days ago not Years ago so i don't think alec would care that much that someone was using his ghost or whatever for shit while he was dead, relative 2 all the other problems in his life. wouldnt even notice with the type of shit hes got going on. the big reason why this au doesn't really work is that it's just Wildly Unproductively Depressing. it seems like ciara only starts bringing random people back by the time aisha is like. what. 20?

it works Fine and Actually Thematically Interesting Well that brian is like oh FUCK youve GROWN UP when he gets back because it's relevant 2 their sibling dynamics. but it does. it does not work if alec gets back and aisha is like 20. it's just depressing. from alec's PoV it would be "congrats you've been brought back into a world where your best and only friend is too old and character-developmented for you to actually have a close connection with even though for you it feels like she was still your age only a few days ago and also your fucking shit ass siblings are here too and btw the world ended so all of the nice luxuries you were enjoying previously are not options anymore. go feed the earth gimel sheep boy." and from aisha's perspective her best friend would be back but in a monkeys paw way where he did not get to grow up with her and he's still little and sad and fucked up and more like one of his siblings that she's caring for/trying to help vs the equal best friendship she Wants but Can't Have because he is Fifteen. so now everything sucks and is sad for everyone involved. :(.

i would say "on the 'up'side this is a hot new contender for scenarios wherein lisa could feasibly decide alec is her new sopping wet fixer-upper" but she already has an even more absurd and unstable option (that one cop) so as usual alec remains background. btw he would be offended on taylors behalf that lisa had replaced taylor with victoria (who he does not like because shes annoying) and entirely oblivious that taylor had ever thought or said anything about him being sucks and utterly lacking in interiority. AUs that have potential to be funny wrt alec's interactions with the other undersiders but are wildly fucking depressing when you get to his interactions with aisha.

if we fudge a bit and say ciara brings him back like riiight after gold morning aisha would only be a bit over a year older than him so that's more doable in terms of character development and eventual reconnection but it'd still be a mess. i'm not articulating my explanation of how aisha's character development works rn and i don't feel like saying something wrong so i'll just leave it here but trust me it'd still be a mess. maybe an interesting one but a mess

[rushingheadlong]

I’ve anonymized this ask because I actually want to talk about this publicly but I want to respect their desire to not have their name attached to this conversation.

(Usual warnings for length, also CW for discussions of homophobia. Because of how this ask was worded we're going to engage with the possibility of Brian being queer, but there are criticisms about some specific ways the fandom discusses that. If any of that sounds upsetting to you, just skip over this post.)

First, a fairly significant correction: I didn’t say that Harold wasn’t the biggest contributor to “Brian staying in the closet” at all. I’m going to talk about that assumption of queerness later, but this is what I actually said in my tags:

#it's really REALLY clear that at the VERY least his upbringing by Harold impeded Brian's ability to fully explore himself #and his identity/attractions/etc. the way he should have been able to #(tho I don't think Harold was the biggest/only contributor to that but. idk.)

Which I think is fairly self-explanatory but, to break it down more simply, based on all the evidence we have of what Harold was like as a person it seems that he was an extremely traditional patriarch who expected Brian to grow up and fulfill the same role within his own family. We know that they had major clashes over this and from interviews we know that Brian struggled with feeling inadequate as a husband and father specifically because he couldn’t step into the patriarchal role that he felt pressured to fill.

From there, I don’t think it’s unfair to extrapolate out and say that an upbringing that pushed that very traditional view of manhood would likely have also included other “traditional” ideas i.e. misogyny, homophobia, etc. The misogyny is easy to confirm, not just through Brian’s earlier songs (like Son and Daughter) but through later comments on his parents’ marriage that revealed specific ways that Ruth May was absolutely subservient to her husband while he was alive.

The homophobia I don’t think can be “confirmed” in the same way, although I do recall once reading an interview with Brian where he admitted to having to let go of homophobic ideas he used to hold in his youth (though I cannot for the life of me find that interview now, so take that with a grain of salt). But regardless of the extent of homophobia, if it was there I again don’t think it’s unfair to say that that would have impeded any potential experimentation with men at least in Brian’s younger years - I mean for one thing, Brian has already specifically said that he declined the advances from men while on tour even though he didn’t decline when propositioned by women.

If you want to theorize that Brian is some form of queer you can look at him turning down offers from men as possibly a sign of internalized homophobia due to his upbringing. It’s possible that even after Brian unlearned those prejudices with regards to other people, that he couldn’t unlearn them with regards to himself. It’s possible that Brian privately acknowledged his queerness, but felt that acting upon it would be somehow a “worse” betrayal of his marriage than cheating with another woman.

However, it’s also possible that there was no internalized homophobia at play at all and that Brian’s actions and comments (or lack thereof) are driven by concerns about the band, with really nothing to do with Harold at all. We already have Freddie saying, on multiple occasions in both the 70s and 80s, that if he were to be more open about his own sexuality that it would ruin Queen forever. If Brian were also queer it would make sense for him to have the same reservations about saying anything, and those reservations could have been enough to make him hesitant to be with another man at all for fear of rumors spreading.

(ETA: Not to mention, the AIDS crisis could have been a deterrent to try anything as well, especially if he hadn't already by then. That wasn't too uncommon among men who lived through that time.)

There’s also the issue that if Brian were queer, any reservations he had about coming out were likely compounded after Freddie’s death, because there’s simply no way to make that announcement now without Freddie’s name being attached to things whether it should be or not. There would be speculation about whether Brian and Freddie were ever more than “just” friends, speculation about the full extent of Brian’s history with men, speculation about the validity of his marriages to Chrissy and Anita, speculation about Roger and John and if they knew or if they were also queer… The tabloids would have a fucking field day with an announcement like that and it would reverberate throughout Brian’s life, impacting not only himself but his closest friends and family, as well as all his relationships suddenly becoming hyper-scrutinized by people intent on “proving” what is “real” or “not real” about any of them.

Even if you want to believe that that wouldn’t happen and people would only react positively to such an announcement, I need you to step back and consider what sort of comments you consider “supportive” and if that’s actually how they would be received. An entire fandom of RPF shippers crying “I told you so!” and descending on his IG to ask invasive questions isn’t supportive. A world that nitpicks identities to make sure that people are using the “right” ones isn’t supportive. A culture where “jokes” about single-gender schools turning people gay are still prevalent isn’t supportive (and when I am still seeing people defend comments about Freddie’s boarding school playing a role in his own identity, you can’t tell me that people wouldn’t make the same jabs about Brian if they got the chance).

I think it’s safe to say that Harold’s view did have an impact on how Brian explored himself and his identity because we already know for a fact that those views deeply impacted the entirety of his first marriage, to the point that Brian has said that he likely wouldn’t have gotten married to Chrissy at all if it wasn’t for pressure from his father.

(ETA: But I don't think you can safely say that Harold was the biggest/only contributor to how Brian explored his own identity when you consider the overall time period we're talking about, and the complications of both the band and Brian's existing marriage. And with regards to his attraction to women specifically, Brian has already made it clear that that was impacted by the lack of socialization with girls at school, not his father.)

But to engage with your question, if Brian is queer I think it’s far more likely that Brian has stayed in the closet due to concerns about the response, to protect the privacy of himself and those closest to him, and out of respect for Freddie’s own legacy, rather than because of specific views of his father, especially since both of his parents have been dead for decades now.

Now, this isn’t what you asked in your question but I do also want to address the phrasing of “Brian staying in the closet” because I think it’s actually rather worrying that that’s what was taken from my tags.

Is it impossible for Brian to be queer? No, of course not, and to be honest if he did ever come out I wouldn’t actually be surprised. However I am begging this fandom on my hands and knees to remember that Brian has said that he’s straight on multiple occasions.

Here’s him calling himself heterosexual in 1993, shortly after Freddie’s death:

And here’s him saying that he’s not attracted to men a decade later in 2003:

There’s nothing wrong with talking what-ifs but you have to keep in mind what Brian has actually said himself. Even more importantly, you absolutely have to be mindful of what you’re using as “evidence” of queerness because, while it doesn't happen all the time, it is very common in this fandom for that sort of speculation to run straight into stereotyping and, by extension, homophobia.

A man will never be queer simply because he wears jewelry/nail polish/women’s clothing/etc., or because he’s friends with other queer men or wrote songs for them, or because he was unhappy in a heterosexual marriage, or because he’s done drag a few times, or because he’s spoken out about queer rights and history, or because his music resonates with queer people today.

These are all reasons I’ve seen given for why Brian “has” to be queer… but why? Why do you think that wearing things typically worn by women makes a man queer? Why are you so quick to disregard the existence of any femininity in straight cis men? Why do you think that people can’t support the queer community unless they’re queer themselves? Why do you think that your feelings about Brian’s music are any indication of what he actually meant, when it's incredibly common for people to attribute meanings to songs contrary to what the artist intended?

I don’t think that most people who point to these sorts of things as “evidence” of queerness are being consciously, maliciously homophobic but it absolutely is homophobic to reduce these traits down to one-dimensional stereotypes in order to argue that because Brian does XYZ that means he must be queer. I mean, do I really have to break down why it’s problematic to enforce binary gender norms by saying that Brian wearing necklaces is proof of queerness, as if straight men are somehow physically impossible of also wearing necklaces?

There are absolutely more respectful ways to talk about "evidence" of queerness and the OP mentioned in this ask is a great example of that, by using direct words Brian has said specifically about his sexuality, attraction, and relationships to make their point rather than relying on stereotypes about looks or behaviors.

Because if you're going to have these conversations, you have to acknowledge what Brian has actually said. That includes his comments about heterosexuality and attraction to women and, furthermore, acknowledging those comments is not the same as denying any possibility that he's queer.

Brian is an English baby boomer and you cannot separate that from these sorts of discussions. It’s very common for people of his generation to have ideas and identities that are directly at odds with the philosophies of younger generations, and pretending otherwise - or condemning those things for being “wrong” - requires you to completely ignore and rewrite actual queer history in order to do so.

If you look at how people have identified throughout the 20th and 21st centuries, you’ll find a ton of examples of people proudly using seemingly “wrong” labels for themselves. Tom Robinson, author of the song “Glad to Be Gay”, continued to identify specifically as a gay man for years after marrying a woman. Phill Jupitus, a former stand-up comedian, once had an entire 20-minute podcast where he talked about his past sexual encounters with and continuing attractions towards men while identifying the entire time as a straight man and not bisexual. Hell my best friend for over a decade is a queer man married to a woman who still identifies as a lesbian for deeply personal reasons that are unlikely to ever change.

As a queer man myself, I would love to see discussions about this that acknowledge that kind of nuance. I would love to see people approach this conversation by asking why Brian identifies as straight instead of just looking for proof that he’s lying about his identity.

Because if you want to talk about the possibility of Brian being queer, what does it then mean that he chooses to publicly identify as straight instead? Does he claim that label because he doesn’t identify with queerness at all, because he feels obligated to because of his relationships with women, or because he feels those relationships are more representative of who he is?

What does it say about the dynamics among Queen if the others always assumed something, but never said? Or if Brian only told Roger and John after the fact in the 90s? Or if Brian made the choice to never say anything to them either? Disregarding shipping entirely, what would it say about Brian’s friendship with Freddie if he knew the singer was gay but never shared a hint of his own queerness in return?

What does it say - about Brian, the band, the fandom, society - if Brian is indeed making a conscious choice to hide any attraction to men? And we do need to include the fandom here, because while it’s tempting to assume that nothing we do makes it way back to the band that’s really not the case at all. The official Queen discord server has had to make multiple statements not to post about shipping etc. and there were innumerable comments on Brian’s own IG page post-borhap accusing him and Roger of homophobia because of the movie. Discussions of Brian’s relationship to queerness have already reached his sphere of influence, whether we wanted it to or not.

We’re in a time where the prevalence of social media is wearing down the concept of personal privacy and making people feel entitled to information about celebrities that’s none of their business at all. We’ve seen this with Kit Connor being forced to come out after Heartstopper due to accusations of "queerbaiting" and F1nnster delaying coming out due to fears of backlash from not using the “right” label. Or if you want an example from an older generation, when Con O’Neill came out he said he was doing so because he felt ready but there is still rampant speculation in the fandom that part of his reasoning was in response to the queerphobia being leveled at Izzy Hands fans.

Let me repeat that: a queer man explicitly said he was coming out because he felt personally ready to do so, and a wide swath of fans have already made it about themselves and their fandom experiences.

These celebrities are far from being isolated cases. There are countless others who have been forced into making deeply personal decisions based not on what feels right to them, but what will appease the crowds of strangers who watch and follow them.

So, since the original question was about that post on Harold, let's bring it back to that point with one final question from myself:

If Brian is in fact queer, do you think that his long-dead father is really the biggest reason that a world-famous multi-millionaire twice-knighted astrophysicist rockstar may still be choosing to stay in the closet after all this time?

One final note that anyone who engages with this post in bad-faith is being blocked. I have neither the desire nor spoons to argue with anyone who insists that this fandom isn't homophobic or that their homophobia is somehow different because they mean well by it.

[malottie]

1, 6, 12, 39

get asked things, dork (affectionate

welp, get your reading glasses out everyone

1: 3 things that shaped me into who i am

-1: luck. from the classic things like being born in a wealthy western country, being white (not inherently lucky but made me privileged/safer), having a relatively nice familly with no financial struggle, etc, to smaller stuff. like, it's a miracle i was never bullied in school. if it wasn't for that one person, maybe i would've died. i had free access to the internet since i was like 9, and somehow never stumbled on stuff that was inapropriate for my age

i consider myself quite lucky, despite all the hardships

-2: being trans. sorry to the people who think it's cringe when we make it our whole personnality, but it is litteraly so important. so central. i cannot fathom what i would be like if i weren't trans. that's just not the same person

-3: having weird ass parents. by that i mean that they're almost not like parents, more like... people i lived with that cared for me? i of course mean that in the sense that i don't have any special emotional attachment to them and all, but also that it doesn't feel like they raised me because they transmitted so little to me. my way of seeing the world, my hobbies, my fears, my political opinions, my general knowledge, my understanding of myself and others, my skills, i got them from, well, not them. the internet school, my friends, but not my parents. truly, i don't really know these people

6: best and worst part of being online

i've been here most of my life, so all the bad is just part of it. yes, that's where all the haters are. sure, all of the horrible things in existence can be found here. but that's also where my friends are. that's where community is. that's my only way of accessing at least 50% of what makes me happy. it has taught me so much about the world and myself, has held so many fulfilling experiences for me

if i had to choose 1 worst, i'd say transmisoginy i guess? i dunno, girl, i'm not even popular enough to get hate mail

12: a piece of advice i'd like to give

like i said in a previous post of mine i'm just 18. i'm like a baby. i feel like the least qualified person on earth to be giving advice. but i'll say one thing: advices are kinda bullshit. in essence they're opinions you think will be helpfull to someone else. but in my experience, they rarely are, especially when talking about life choices, mental health and the such. i watched hundreds of hours of self help videos, listened to people, went to therapy, and i felt like a fucking moron. i knew all the things, i had the advice, but it wasn't working. in the end, what helped me crawl out of the pit is time, love, and a bunch of stuff i'll never know about. find what works for you and ditch what doesn't; it's not because a piece of advice is true that it is helpful. searching for your solution will probably work better than just trying to apply the solutions others found

39: a youtuber i'm obssessed with

hard and specific

brennan lee mulligan? absolutely obssessed. a youtuber? not really

thegreatreview (he's french)? amazing youtuber. so fucking talented. obssessed? not really

dougdoug? obssessed by his entire cinematic universe for a while now. a youtuber? maybe 50%? it's all twitch streams highlights

john and hank green? ok i'll stop there

let's settle for brian david gilbert then, the man so nice they named him thrice. please buy his bed.

most well known for his Unravelled series on Polygon's channel, like the one about the sonic bible or the one about the smash bros osha violations, his personnal stuff is simply perfect, sometimes whimsical, like "i wish that i could wear hats" or "Pumpkin Cowboy", sometimes horrifying, like the one about the american healthcare system or "Teaching Jake about the Camcorder, Jan '97", often a mix of both, like "we like watching birds" or "earn $20K EACH MONTH by being your own boss". his comedic genius is at its best when it is also at its weirdest. he's also the guy who made the sibling dance song, i guess

[renee-writer]

What If It Were Brian Chapter Two

AO3

“Enough!” His shout startled her and her nursing son. Both jumped.

 

“Frank, what in the world?”

 

“It is bad enough that you didn’t give him a bottle as an infant like I said. But now, he can walk for goodness sake’s! And still at your breast. It is unseemly.”

 

She soothes her year old son back to feeding before addressing Frank. “It remains good for him. You see how strong and healthy he is.” A braw lad, Sassanach. You are doing well, she hears her true husband say in her head and has to stop herself from smiling, “that has a lot to do with what he is getting from my milk. “

 

“How much longer will you allow him to be attached to your breast?” He is still glaring, his hands on his hips. She simply glares back.

 

“As long as he will have it.”

 

“You would have him coming home from kindergarten and asking for a drink?”

 

She rolls her eyes. “Bloody hell Frank! No, nor would he. Most children self wean by 18 months to two.”

 

“Where are you getting those statistics from as most decent women in this day don’t …” He gestures to the nursing boy with disgust.

 

“You know perfectly well were I get them from.” They stare at each other until Frank breaks eye contact, “a shame. A man jealous of his own son.”

 

“What?”

 

“Brian here is where you want to be. It just won’t happen Frank.”

 

“You are my wife Claire. If I want you in bed, bed is where you will be!” he thunders. Brian comes off the nipple and starts to cry. “Christ!”

 

She rocks him soothingly against her. “Try it. You will regret it. I learned a lot in that time, including self defense.”

 

“I have no time for this. I am late to a meeting with my student assistant.”

 

“Have fun Frank.” Her tone tells him she knows exactly what goes on in those meetings.

 

“What else do you expect Claire? You aren’t being a true wife to me.” He slams out the door. Brian lays hiccupping against her.

 

“I am sorry, my love. Father and I shouldn’t fight in front of you.” She rocks him to sleep while thinking of other fights, fights that wouldn’t end with Jamie running after another woman.

 

Lallybroch

 

“He will be one now, or close to it. Is he walking yet? Talking?” he muses aloud as he sits at the table. Jenny listens as she trims up his hair. “I see Janet and Michael and try to picture Brian. Silly, I know. He could look like Claire or myself. I wonder if this Frank is treating her right, her and the lad.”

 

“Or lass?” his sister says as his red locks fall across the floor. “She could have a lass.”

 

“Aye, I just always picture a lad.”

 

His sister chuckles. “Men usually do.”

 

She and Ian were shocked when Murtagh brought him home, severely injured, without Claire. After getting him healed ( a time that none of them like to think about), he told them all. Starting and ending with the Stones. Things that hadn’t made sense before, suddenly did. Not that it was easily accepted. They are Scots, after all, and came to know the truth of it. That hadn’t kept Jenny from fussing at him, asking why she and her child were sent away.

 

She still wonders. On days like today when he longs for them so, she longs to shake him again and ask him.

 

Fergus comes running in. “Auntie Jenny, Mílord! Redcoats!”

 

They know what to do. Jamie is ushered down to the priest hole, expanded to be livable for him. Jenny dusts the red hair off her while Fergus sweeps it away. She goes to greet her guests.

[apollos-boyfriend]

👀

-@10piecechickenmcnugget

i need to read the comics before i fully touch on what i want to do with brian so tim time <33 i've already gotten into what he's up to a bit with the masky ramble but i can never talk about my boy enough <3

he's probably the closest thing the kids have to like. a stable caretaker. and by stable i mean consistent because that man is NOT stable in any way shape or form. in the order of events i have currently he's the first adult to show up and therefore has a much closer connection to the kids, having been unable to bring himself to leave them until jane arrived and gave him a Small break. he was meant to take a week for himself but came back after literally a day (for him, time's wonky at the mansion so it was either like a few days or hours for them) because he got too anxious and stressed about their well-being. he eventually gets better at it but it takes a Good While.

tim just feels a large amount of responsibility because in a way, most of those kids were failed by the system, like he was. it's clear most of them suffer from Some mental health issue, and tim knows what it feels like to be looked down upon and ostracized for not fitting into the norm. and like, yeah, it's not the Exact Same, but spending god-knows how long alone with just the kids and slender's inconsistent appearances made him a bit attached, despite his better judgement.

and it's funny because i don't think tim is good with kids. like at all. he barely considers himself a caretaker because he sees himself as the bare minimum at best. but he was all they had for a long time and even when jane and brian eventually show up to help, they still can't help themselves. it's like how cats have this sixth sense and can instantly swarm the nearest cat hater/person with cat allergies. brian was a camp counselor and dealt with kids for years and jane essentially raised her sister herself but no. they cling to the man with 300 diseases that spends half his time wallowing in self-pity about how he's not good enough for them

[send me a "👀" and i'll ramble about an au]

[quixotic-writer]

Sugar Daddy

request: anon

summary: When you first met Q, you had virtually no clue who he was. After a few more pricey dates, he revealed his occupation. Showering you with gifts was his love language, you weren’t about to complain!

warning: smut ahead!

——————————————————————————

The alarm on my phone goes off as it vibrates on my bedside table. My face was mushed into the pillow that my head was resting on, I started coming to and realizing that if I hit snooze once, it would start a cycle until noon and I would be even grumpier and sluggish. I take a deep breath in and grab my phone to turn the alarm off. As I rub my eyes and sit up, I see a text notification and my heart immediately kickstarts. It was from Bri.

B Bear: Hey baby <3 Got work today?

I smile from ear to ear as I see the message. We had been dating for a while now and I was hopelessly in love with him. He was honestly perfect to me in every way. He had a sweet and loving personality, he was super funny and always had this way of making me laugh, he was geeky in the cutest way and loved showing me all his collectibles and telling me all about them, and he was protective and super caring.

The way he shows his love to me is what melts my heart the most. His protective nature got the best of him at a bar we went to together and he ended up throwing his drink in the face of a guy that wouldn’t leave me alone. We got escorted out of the bar and he kept saying sorry that he wasn’t there sooner. Any day I'm sad or in a bit of a mood, he always goes out of his way to make me laugh or smile until I forget what I was even mad about in the first place. Lastly, he constantly showers me with gifts.

Me: Good morning! No work today. Have the day off

I texted him back with a smile as I watched the little thought bubble pop up until his next message came through.

B Bear: Dinner tonight then? Murr has been pestering me endlessly about this restaurant he and Melyssa had gone to and I think it’s about time I see what the fuss is all about

Me: Sounds good!

Just then a notification came in. Brian had sent me money, and it was not at all a small amount.

B Bear: Buy yourself a new dress for tonight then princess. It’s a little more formal wear.

B Bear: I’ll pick you up at 7. Love you

Now, when I first started dating Brian, I had no clue he was on TV or any bit famous at all. When he started treating me to more extravagant gifts and dates, that’s when I asked and he revealed all to me. I felt bad and was always trying to pay for things so he didn’t think I was using him for his money, but he always insisted on paying.

“Princess, we’ve been together for how long? I know you wouldn’t use me. Let me do this for you.” He would always say. After a while, I gave up the fight and just allowed him to treat me. Soon enough I grew a collection of gorgeous jewelry, a whole new wardrobe basically filled with a variety of name brand outfits, and if I so much as mention something I own being broken he is quick to hop on it and pay to have it fixed. At this point, I really do think he is my sugar daddy, and he wasn’t at all opposed to that label. He quite liked it.

Me: You spoil me too much. I’ll see you at 7 then B <3

I throw the covers off of me and make my way to the kitchen to fix myself a bowl of cereal before I get started on my day. What a way to wake up honestly, but I was not at all complaining. I finished up breakfast and got myself cleaned up, gathered up all my things in my purse, and was out the door and headed to the mall to go and treat myself. I often worried that maybe my closet was getting a little too full, I just couldn’t bear to part with any of my outfits. The way Brian made me feel when I wore each one of them made me feel so attached to them too, even if his way of saying I looked good in it was by having it end up on his bedroom floor.

I walked through the mall, doing a little bit of window shopping at first, scoping out the scene and feeling out what I might indulge myself in today as far as fashion went. Sundresses had caught my eye, especially one that was in the window and on display; Flowing, knee length, and white. I passed it by but made sure to take a mental picture of it. As much as I adored having a sort of allowance from Bri, I wasn’t about to abuse it. Besides, that would have been yet another thing I would have to make some kind of room for in my already overstuffed closet.

‘Maybe I could bother him for a bigger closet renovation,’ I joked to myself with a smile. I continue walking through and I see it from a distance: the lingerie store. I subtly bit my lip and was then in a mental tug of war of ‘should I?’ or ‘should I not?’ But as I got closer, the temptation took over and I found myself perusing through their cutest pieces that caught my eye. The least I could do to pay Bri back for the fancy evening, would be to give him a little bit of eye candy and a good time after the meal. Black lace, gorgeous ivory teddies, sensual cherry red garter belts, it was all so nice. After finding a few cute sets, I placed them on hold because I still had a main mission in mind that I came to the mall for in the first place.

I found the perfect dress: A wine red halter top dress. It had a gorgeous waist that hugged a little at my own to give my body some definition and gorgeously flowed down to my knees. I already knew I had the perfect pair of stilettos to go with this to truly complete this boss bitch look I had going. When I returned to the lingerie store, I already knew which set was going to be mine: black lace strapless top with matching high waist garter belt and panties to complete it all.

Me: [img attch.] picked out a cute little something, can’t wait to see you daddy ;P

I had sent him a picture of my dress, nothing more just to keep an element of surprise for the evening. I wasn’t long before I got a response,

B Bear: You look so gorgeous baby

B Bear: Can’t believe someone so beautiful is all mine

Even through text he could get me to blush.

The rest of my day was spent relaxing, catching up on some reading that I had put off for so long, catching up on a few episodes of a series Bess had gotten me sucked into, and just like that, time flew quickly. I was getting myself all dolled up for dinner, butterflies in my stomach because of the excitement I felt and giddy because I had felt so pretty tonight. It wasn’t often where my confidence and self-esteem would sky rocket like this, so I took it in and embraced as much of that energy as I could.

I heard his little knock at the door, the same rhythm as always so I knew it was him. When I swung open the door, he stood there with a twinkle in his eyes and a smile on his face. He cleaned up super well as always.

“You. Look. Incredible.” He scooped me into his arms and littered my face with kisses and I giggled as his stubble tickled the skin on my face. When I stopped him, I connected our lips together, “Shall we get rolling then princess?” I nodded and we walked down to his car.

The restaurant was gorgeous to say the least. Dim golden lighting, waiters wearing tuxes, glimmering chandeliers dangling from the ceiling to illuminate the tables. Even the air felt expensive. I tensed while we were sitting at our table and looking through the menu, even though he’s taken me to countless luxurious locations, I still felt this sense of guilt for being there and almost an obligation to monetarily repay him somehow someway. I guess he could sense my tension because his hand had found its way to my wrist, his thumb stroking my skin gently and his eyes spoke volumes.

��It’s okay.’ was all I could see in them. He never had to say a word and I felt my muscles relax again as we carried out with our meal.

Dinner was more perfect than I could ever imagine. Perhaps I had an untrained palette, but everything felt like an explosion of intense rhythmic flavor in my mouth. I savored each and every bite. I felt more relaxed as the meal went on, especially as Brian and I talked throughout the meal, we would occasionally break the snooty facade to share a laugh at something absolutely crude that would pop into our heads. I swear, because of how loud we were getting, I almost thought we were going to get kicked out… Which made us laugh even harder and get that much closer to that being a reality as other tables would shoot us a nasty high-class glare.

Our meal was settled away as once again Brian got a hold of the check. And once again I didn’t bother fighting and allowed him to treat me knowing in my head that I had much bigger plans for him once we got behind closed doors and had no one around but each other.

The car ride to his place was spent laughing at how disgusted people looked with our behavior.

“Nothing but sticks up their asses!” He said with his accent coming through thickly.

His hand was on my thigh the whole way there. He would snatch occasional glances of me at red lights or when traffic was pretty clear. The rough warmth of his palm was enough to start an inferno on my skin and cause me to bite my lip and shift in my seat.

We got to his place, he took my hand, and led me through the space that has grown so familiar to me.

“As much as I love that dress on you, I want it off as soon as possible.” He whispered in my ear as we made our way through the front door. His lips attached itself to whatever flesh was within reach which made me grow wetter by the second. His hands traced about my body, refamiliarizing himself with each curve, dip, and fold he craved. His hands were never rough, they smoothed over my body carefully, almost as if I was fragile, something delicate, it made me feel protected.

As we were in the bedroom, he was quick to undo the zipper to my dress and allow it to pool at my feet. The way his eyes lit up at what was now revealed to be hidden beneath my dress was a look that always drove me crazy.

“Did a little extra shopping today with the extra money, daddy.” I said as I pushed him to the bed. He sat on the edge of the bed, eyes full of hunger and awe.

“I need to give you more money for lingerie. You look so fucking hot.” I straddled his lap, mouths attached and moving with heated passion. His coat fell away as I began tugging at his tie and the buttons on his dress shirt. I could still taste remnants of dinner on his tongue, delectable, indulgent, and I savored it all. My mouth began to move; jawline, neck, chest, stomach. I could smell where he sprayed his cologne, and I stayed where the scent was the strongest, drunk on his scent as my desire for him grew heavier with each breath. His hands held me closer to his bare skin as he let a low hum verberate within his chest. I fell away down between his legs onto my knees. He watches carefully, already out of breath and straining in his pants. I carefully remove his belt, take the zipper down with my teeth, and shed away another layer of clothes. I rub my hand over the cloth of his boxers where his straining erection was prominent, I felt him twitch at my touch and groan.

“Let me pay you back for dinner. How does that sound?” Just like a leaf in fall, the final clothing item was shed away, leaving Brian bare before me. He sat there, arms behind him pushed into the comforter of the bed for support as he eagerly anticipated my next moves, hoping it would be one that would satisfy the lustful desire he had coursing through him.

I kiss at his thighs, leaving a few love marks to show that despite being his, he was also mine. My head and hands find their way below, down to his balls where I carefully massaged them and sucked at the sensitive skin. The groans and moans that Brian was making was enough to tell me that he was enjoying himself. I began moving myself up again, kissing up along his shaft, tracing along veins with a pointed tongue and feeling him pulse beneath me as my hands ran along his thighs that would occasionally tense when I hit just the right spot. When I reached the head, I could see the pre-cum seeping out. I gave his cock a nice pump that sent more spilling out and I was quick to lick it all up.

“Baby, no more teasing. Please.” He begged brushing my hair carefully out of the way. I looked up at him with an innocent sparkle in my eyes,

“But I know you love how it feels daddy.” With a sharp inhale and his lip caught between his teeth, I finally took the first few inches of his cock into my mouth, pulling away while sucking, only to have it pop out of my mouth. I looked up at him and he was gasping for breath and his legs were trembling. I swirled my tongue around the tip of his cock before once more taking him into my mouth, only to repeat this cycle. I just adored hearing his whines, seeing the veins in his arms pop as he gripped the sheets into a tight fist, feeling his thighs tense and squeeze slightly together anytime a shockwave of pleasure was sent through his body.

I decided he endured enough and began carefully taking more and more of him into my mouth, head bobbing in steady rhythm. “Feels… So fucking good.” He breathed out as one of his hands made its way to the back of my head. He never pushed me further than I could go, or at all. His hand just rested on my head as though he was feeling the rhythm and pace of my head bobbing. The taste of pre-cum began getting more and more consistent, the way his legs began to tremble, “Princess, so close.” I could have came myself hearing his throat raw with desperation as he said those three words. I doubled down and took him all in. His cock hit the back of my throat and the tip of my nose hit his naval until his thighs came together and he was spilling down my throat.

My eyes were watering and my nose slightly runny, but it was always rewarding to see him so pleasured all because of me. He pulled me up and his lips were once more attached to my skin, littering the delicate flesh where my neck and my shoulder met with love bites of varying hues.

“Mine,” He would grunt whenever his lips would depart from my skin and then go right back.

He laid me delicately on my back and I felt his cock – still rock hard – resting against my thigh as he kissed my forehead, “Love you,” he says before kissing my lips, “so perfect,” his fingers pushed the panties I wore aside, not even bothering to remove them which honestly made it all so much hotter, “my princess.” He slid into me easily, filling me whole as my eyes rolled back at the sensation, lips parted as humid breath left my lungs.

“Daddy.” I couldn’t let out anymore as my nerves all stood on end as he began to rock his hips steadily into mine.

“You feel so good around my cock. Something so perfect is all mine.” I wrapped my legs around him, beckoning him closer and deeper. The way his cock curved hit all my sensitive spots and it wasn’t long before I was seeing stars, the noises that wanted so badly to break free past my lips but fell stuck within my throat as I was blissed out in pleasure. My muscles tightened around his cock as I experienced pure euphoria, “god you feel even better when you cum all over my cock sweetheart.” his hips continued working and I felt overstimulated, but I absolutely loved it. “Came that hard and I didn’t even have to touch your clit.”

As my body rocked, but boobs started spilling out of the strapless bra. Brian took notice and was quick to crane his neck down and lick around my hardened nipple. He licked, sucked, and lightly bit around the sensitive buds which only added to the extreme pleasure I was experiencing as my body started building up to another orgasm. I held his head in close with a desire to be as close to him as physically possible, aching to feel every inch of his skin, wanting nothing more but for him to feel exactly what I feel: Lustful love.

His hips started working faster and faster and his rhythm was slowly losing any trace of precise tempo. His hand slipped between us, fingers working at my clit and sending me over the edge once again with a cry.

“Princess… Gonna cum again. Where?” He couldn’t even get a full sentence out as he grit his teeth and words were quickly replaced with grunts.

“Cum daddy. Just do it. Wanna make you feel good!” I said as his head was buried in my shoulder, my arms wrapped around his neck bracing for his inevitable climax. With a few more harsh thrusts, he was buried deep within me as I felt warm spurts filling me, my legs holding us close together, intertwined as we pant and catch our breaths.

“I love you so much baby. I love you.” He said with a final kiss and our foreheads pressed together.

Once he had come down from his high, he went and grabbed a towel for me and helped clean me up.

“Thank you for tonight.” I said softly as he held me close in his arms.

“Anything for you princess. You deserve the world.” He kissed the top of my head and brushed my hair out of my face. “You have amazing taste in lingerie also.”

[amelia]

related to that last ask but now i actually have a question! what are your favourite episodes for amy as a character? (sorry if i’m pestering you btw you don’t have to answer right away ❣️)

it is absolutely never a bother for me to talk about amy pond!! gosh though this is a Question. okay. i did interpret this as episodes that are my favorite for the lens of My Understanding Of Amy instead of favorite pond era episodes as a whole if that makes sense? under the cut bc i got long as i tend to do

i think my number 1 has to be the big bang, because it really is just like. okay, pond era absolutely runs into the problem of frequently making stories/episodes that should be centered around amy's emotional journey actually about somebody else — but the big bang is all hers. it is all on her! she's leading the show SHE'S the one in the pandorica SHE'S the one who remembers the doctor into existence it is HER choice to say goodbye to leadworth and continue to travel completely without remorse SHE IS THE HERO. it goes from "time can be rewritten, he'll find a way" to AMY being the one who finds the way. rory and river and the doctor all of course get their Moments but it's unquestionably amy's spotlight moment the whole way through

i have also ALWAYSSS been obsessed with starless universe amelia and the way that she still believes in stars in a world where they DON'T EXIST the power of her mind and the conviction of her beliefs is a CORE TENET of amy's character, the doctor has NOTHING to do with it!!! it's just who she is !!! best character of all time <3

other things about the amy's writing in this episode i love: the line "the universe pouring into her dreams every night," space florida outfit <3, ok i obviously do not love this but i think so much about amy talking about the doctor at her wedding and her mother is still like "NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN… i thought the psychiatrists FIXED her" like once again !!! a UNIVERSAL CONSTANT that amy is the one who believes in things nobody else does and is LOUD about it and is RIGHT !!! (let's kill hitler tried to retcon this but it simply won't work on me ❤️ just like anything else about the let's kill hitler flashbacks ❤️❤️❤️), OKAY DOCTOR DID I SURPRISE YOU THIS TIME? <3

number 2, i think, is the eleventh hour itself? like it's just… i've rewatched it so many times and it's still the most captivating character introduction i have ever seen. i know i'm biased but i love it so much. her introduction as a clearly neglected seven year old girl (constantly think about the deleted line that has her talking to aunt sharon and saying "you're not supposed to leave me, i'm seven!" WOOF) who's not afraid of anything except for the crack in her wall… she has drawings up all over her house of burning houses, she draws smiley faces into her apples bc her mom used to do that, she can cook for herself way better than i could at seven, and she desperately just wants to leave. but when the doctor tells her he'll be back in five minutes, amy is already so used to adults leaving her and breaking their promises that she doesn't believe him. but he makes her believe anyway. and he doesn't come back.

and all of the rest of her character hinges on that introduction — of course she has to believe him, he was REAL, nobody can take his realness away from her even if she is the only one who believes. but he also left her all alone for so long, just like everyone else who was supposed to be there for her did, so what good does that to her? so yeah of course she grows up angry and bitter and hiding those layers of hurt deeply under the surface, scorning all attachment and serious relationships because she knows she can't trust them. she outwardly distances herself from her childhood self by changing her name but she IS still just such a child inside.

she's not ready to settle, to grow up, to become what everyone in her tiny village wants her to be, thinks that she should be — so when she gets the chance to GO, of course she takes it. but she's also not just going to let the doctor off the hook for [gestures] her entire life, you know? the exchanges "people always say that" "i'm not people, do i even look like people?" | "people always have a reason" "do i look like people?" "Yes." always just GUT ME. she may trust him but it's NOT a blind trust, it can't be.

number 3 has to be the beast below it just makes me SCREAM how good that episode is at really developing amy through her compassion for other people — right from the start she sees that kid crying and she thinks the doctor must ignore stuff like this all the time, and she says that she could never do that. she's learning and intuiting leaps and bounds about the doctor with everything he says to her — which is another one of my favorite amy character traits, the way she is SO quick to pick up on things about other people and analyze them. everything that she picks up about the doctor allows her to KNOW what to do to save the star whale, allows her to be confident in the fact that the star whale wanted to help the whole time. the choice is IN HER HANDS she IS THE HERO <3 as she always should be. you couldn't just stand there and watch people cry! all that pain and misery and loneliness and it MADE IT KIND. i don't care how overused that quote is it still HITS !!!

um. number 4 is the girl who waited but my very specific headcanon-ridden interpretation and cutting out all that garbage "rory's the most beautiful man i've ever met" "defying destiny causality the nexus of time itself for a boy" bullshit. idk there's so many terrible things about this episode but it also gave me so much to think about when it comes to amy it's on my mind a LOT. one thing i think about is the way it parallels amy's first abandonment by the doctor — not just in the obvious sense but in the way that she's actively fighting for her life in a hostile atmosphere, but nobody else SEES it as a hostile atmosphere. the two streams facility is leadworth like it really is. and what adds a more chilling component is the way the handbots signature line is "do not be alarmed, this is a kindness" — like all the people who were trying to convince amy she was crazy throughout her entire childhood really thought they were doing her a kindness. they thought they were helping her. but they were killing her. because she wasn't made for that environment.

beyond that i am just obsessed with 36-years-later amy she is an icon she is a legend she is the moment i don't care! every mean thing she said about the doctor and rory was absolutely deserved and in fact she should have been so much meaner! she is SO SMART she makes her own SONIC PROBES OUT OF CAMERA PHONES the fact that she even was able to SURVIVE THAT LONG and in COMPLETE isolation and still retain her own mental faculties is just insane to me it speaks so much about her insane mental strength oh my god it makes me sooo emotional i am tearing up a little typing this right now.

i just am always THINKING about the line "there he is, the voice of god. number one lesson: survive, because no one's coming for you. you taught me that" it says SO MUCH about her. oh my god older amy didn't want to die she'll be kicking and screaming and fighting til the end… i fucking hate this show and picking and choosing when paradoxes should apply OLDER AMY DESERVED TO LIVE

number 5 is probably the power of three but my own very headcanon infused interpretation of it. because it's like. the ultimate miscommunication/misunderstanding that exists between amy and the doctor coming to a head. where amy in 7.02 is like "i can't not wait for you, even now. (…) we think you're weaning us off you" (that line always makes me slow exhale … the phrasing of the doctor as a drug) and the doctor keeps insisting that's not true, "you'll be there until the end of me" "or vice versa" (and they have that loaded held stare and you know they're both thinking about what he said to her before he left in the god complex…)

but it's not until this episode where amy starts to actually believe he means it. at the same time she's spent so much TIME preparing for the inevitable moment where the doctor says goodbye and doesn't say hello ever again that she's not willing to fully hope that the doctor really means it when he says that he would never leave her permanently on purpose. and i love that this episode gives amy a lot of space to verbally communicate her emotions because the later pond episodes SORELY LACK THAT. and amy tells him, don't be nice to me, don't stop coming around just because you think that's the kind thing to do. even though she says herself that she doesn't know if she can have "both" — she knows that she can tell the doctor to stay, in her own way, and that he'll listen.

ideally they would have just gone off traveling together forever after that and the angels take manhattan did not happen but unlike what the doctor says about amy, i don't ever get what i want 🙃

also, this episode gave amy friends that weren't rory or the doctor or river so i love it for that on principal <3 i know amy had fun being the bridesmaid at laura's lesbian wedding. and kate!!

( i do hate that this episode ends with that conversation between brian and the doctor. i hate brian as a character and i will forever. won't get into this right now but OUGH )

honestly this list is kind of wobbly and might change if you asked me in a month so i'll just rattle off other favorite episodes / moments real quickly: the good night minisode (it counts!), RIVER SONG DIDN'T GET IT ALL FROM YOU SWEETIE (timeline frozen amy my beloved!), "i remember it so it happened so i did it," vincent and the doctor specifically when vincent tells amy that he hears the song of her sadness…. ow, i could write a whole other essay about amy's choice and how it is so much more complex than people give it credit for but this post is already so goddamn long

[thehikingviking]

Boundary Peak & Montgomery Peak from Queen Canyon Trailhead

Memorial Weekend was approaching and I wanted to plan a family trip up a noteworthy peak. Believe it or not, I actually caught Asaka perusing Peakbagger one night. She was looking at state high points. She already has climbed the high points of California, Hawaii, Oregon and Washington (in addition to the high points of Mexico and Japan), so it made perfect sense to climb the high point of Nevada next. I had put off this peak for no good reason, so now I finally had enough motivation to write this one down on my official calendar. Also in the nearby vicinity of Boundary Peak is Montgomery Peak, which I needed to climb as well. I studied the distance, elevation gain and difficulty of the two peaks and came to the conclusion that I would be able to carry the baby to the summit of Boundary Peak, but it would not be prudent to continue to Montgomery Peak with the baby. Since Asaka was mostly interested in the Nevada high point, we agreed that I could leave the baby with her on Boundary Peak, and she could get a head start and carry Leif down the mountain without me. The second major challenge was how to manage the long drive. Our solution was to break it up in segments. We planned to lay over one night at my family cabin in Sonora. Our second night we planned to stay at Benton Hot Springs, stopping along the way for lunch and a short hike. Our third night we planned to camp near the trailhead at Queen Canyon Mine after doing a few short hikes in the greater Benton area. For the sake of completion, I will include a short summary of these small side hikes in my trip report.

I sent out some feelers to some prospects that I guessed would be interested. Brett Marciasini, Scott King and Sean King took the bait. I then extended the invite to some of my non-hiking friends Brian and Zach. I refer to them as my non-hiking friends not because they don’t hike, but because our friendships started from working at Texas Instruments at one point in time. They have been projects that I have been sculpting over time in the effort to develop new hiking partners. This would be a good test for both of them, as I planned a hybrid dirt bag weekend. While I usually take care of most of the specifics with regards to preparation, this time I felt they were ready to take on more responsibility, such as managing their own food, lodging and transportation. This new freedom would allow me to focus more on my wife and baby.

After our first night in the cabin, we drove over Sonora Pass and then down Highway 395 to the Mobile Mart where we had lunch. There was an easy peak called Sagehen Peak referenced in Andy Zdon’s book “Desert Summits” that I wanted to climb. Good dirt roads took us to the Sagehen Saddle, located less than a half mile from the summit. We possibly could have driven up to the summit, but we were all a little restless from riding in the car and we wanted to get some fresh air. After a short walk up the sandy road, we found a rocky outcropping that required a short, easy scramble. It was easy enough for me to climb with the baby in my arms.

Off towards the east were Boundary Peak, Montgomery Peak and Mt Dubois. A late season storm struck the Whites a week prior, and there was a little more snow that I anticipated.

To the north was Mono Lake.

It was a nice little peak, and we rested awhile on top, but there was a slightly higher summit called Crooked Benchmark to our west. We started back down the road so I could get started on the bonus peak.

A twister swirled through the forest on this calm and sunny day.

Zach decided to join me for Crooked Benchmark while the others waited at the car. I didn’t even bother putting on my hiking shoes expecting an easy walk up, but we soon found ourselves bushwhacking through willows. Zach decided early on that this was not fun, and smartly made the decision to turn around. My obsessive compulsiveness had me push forward, but it was rather unpleasant. I kept thinking that the brush would abate, but it remained consistent almost all the way to the top. I found a register at the summit and I had a good view of the Sierra Nevada.

I didn’t want to retrace my steps back down to the car. I walked to the ridge and yelled down at the others to pick me up on the south side of the summit. I don’t think they were able to understand me. I also sent a GPS pin to Brian, but received no response so was unsure if he got it. The southern slopes were much easier. I dealt with some sage brush scratching my shins, but this was a minor inconvenience. I walked out the road, and I eventually found the others parked where I left the pin. We then drove to Benton Hot Springs where I checked in for the evening. We barbecued on Zach’s grill and drank some beer.

I felt a little awkward since Zach and Brian would be left on their own to camp in the desert while Asaka, Leif and I had reservations at the historic inn. I booked the last available room and there was simply no other option. I drove them to a flat tract of BLM land and apologized. Zach responded by stating something along the lines of, “Are you kidding me? This area is incredibly beautiful and we are happy to stay here.”

It was beautiful as dusk descended upon the snow covered Boundary Peak and Montgomery Peak above. I no longer felt guilty. Leif was sleeping when I returned, so Asaka and I snuck out to enjoy the hot springs.

Montgomery Peak was visible from our tub.

The next morning we regrouped at Benton Hot Springs and awaited the arrival of Brett and the Kings. After a round of introductions, we followed Yellow Jacket Road south through the Benton Paiute Reservation. I turned left on a 4WD road I spotted from satellite view and the topo map. We planned to hike from here, but I decided to see how far I could drive. Scott was a little less zealous about driving up the road than I was, so he and Sean piled into Brett’s truck and they followed me. With a great deal of patience, we made it almost the whole way up the peak. We parked at a mine in between Blind Spring Hill and Diane Peak.

It took us all but five minutes to reach the to of Blind Spring Hill.

To the southwest was the Sierra Nevada.

To the west was Glass Mountain Ridge.

To the east were Montgomery Peak and Mt Dubois.

To the southeast was White Mountain.

While the peak was “just okay”, the summit register contents were a treat. Scraps went back to 1966.

The refurbished book was a standard Gordon Macleod and Barbara Lilley register, which is almost a standard for all the arcane desert peaks throughout the southwest.

One of the early signatures was from Andy Zdon, the author of “Desert Summits”. If was solely because of his book that I decided to climb this peak in the first place. 

In addition to Blind Spring Hill, there are six other named summits in close proximity along this ridge. These little peaklets were most likely named because of mining claims, and are hardly peaks at all. Since we had a full day ahead of us, we decided to only climb Diana Peak as a bonus peak, as this was less than a quarter mile from our car. 

The little bump was not much of a peak, but allowed us to pad the stats. 

We walked back down to the car and drove back to Benton. We were ahead of schedule so we decided to visit Trafton Mountain and Antelope Mountain just north of town. I led the way with my Jeep, but unknowingly made a big navigational error. There is a very good 2WD road that follows a powerline that crosses over the saddle between Trafton Mountain and Antelope mountain, but I somehow missed it. Instead, I led the group up a rarely driven 4WD road. It was incredibly rough and sketchy in parts. At one point we had to get out of our vehicles to move a fallen tree.

I was relieved to finally reach the better powerline road, but I was a little ashamed. We wasted a lot of time and mental energy dealing with that section of road. Asaka and Leif decided to skip Trafton Mountain and instead ate some lunch. We left them in the shade and started hiking towards the peak.

We hiked southwest up sandy and rocky slopes. It was a little too warm for my liking. Brian ran into a little issue when he kicked a cactus with his finger shoes. It took us about an hour to reach the summit.

We were again blessed with another Zdon signature in the register.

One the way down we found the remains of a deer.

Brett had a go at it, ripping the head clean from the still attached leg.

Brian was a little surprised to see us admire the carcass with such enthusiasm. I told him that dismantling dead animals is what white people do for fun.

We found sandy slopes on the way down. In the end it was a 2.6 mile outing.

Once reunited with Asaka and Leif, we got back in the car and followed a spur road all the way to the summit of Antelope Mountain. There were several structures on the summit. To the west was the salt flat called Antelope Lake.

To the south was Trafton Mountain.

I was mostly satisfied after 3 summits from Andy Zdon’s book. We drove back to the freeway following the good road this time. The difference was night and day. After filling up gas in Benton, we drove into Nevada, then took a right on Queen Mine Road. We spotted a Mustang in the canyon below Mustang Peak.

We stopped at Queen Mine where we decided to spend the night. We considered camping at the Queen Mine Trailhead, but settled on this location because it offered wind protection. Also, it was a really cool spot.

We spent the next few hours grilling Brett’s self-killed Bison, drinking beer and listening to music by the campfire. Sean and I thought about heading up Mustang Mountain, but in the end I decided against it, feeling a little worn out from earlier.

The next morning we drove the remaining mile up the road to the Queen Mine Trailhead. My Jeep and Scott’s 4Runner had no problems with the road.

I told everyone not to wait for me, since I would be slow carrying the baby. Asaka picked up Leif and then left me! That message wasn’t meant for them.

I organized some last minute things then started off at 6:45am.

The trailhead is at 9,800 feet, which is pretty high. I spent the first mile or so focusing on breathing. Asaka thankfully waited for me and we hiked in unison.

It felt like a Martian landscape with the moon setting above the desolate terrain.

There was a really good trail climbing up the ridge. A lone deer watched me as I slowly lugged my payload uphill.

Even with my extra weight, I passed Brian early on. I hoped that this hike wasn’t too much for him. After a mile, Boundary Peak came into view.

T'was a lovely family day.

The trail stayed flat for 1.7 miles until Trail Canyon Saddle. Brett, Zach and the Kings were already way ahead of us and out of sight.

To my pleasant surprised, we ran into a herd of mustangs.

I think one of them was pregnant. There were several foals among the herd.

Brian paused for a while to photograph the ungulates.

We stopped for Leif’s breakfast along this flat portion. Maintaining his schedule is very important, even if it means falling further behind the group. He ate his blueberry oatmeal and banana without a care in the world. I was concerned since Brian hadn’t caught up to us by the time Leif finished his breakfast, but my priority was with my family. We continued all the way to Trail Canyon Saddle.

The fun part was now over for me. From here on out, I had to put in the work. The route continued steeply from here on out, but this was made easier since the trail remained underfoot. I finally spotted Brian down below and by all indications he was continuing. Across the saddle was Trail Canyon Saddle Peak. I hoped to tag this bonus peak on my return.

The false summit of Hosebag Peak was a little deceptive. It would have been worse if I didn’t expect. It was a little demoralizing to know that I still had to climb 1,000 feet from here, but it was still early and I was making good time.

Love.

The trail stays atop the ridge. The snow caused no impediment.

The ridgeline became more serrated and the trail eventually petered out. There are class 2 ways up from here, but if one is not paying attention, they can easily find themselves on class 3. 

I could spot Sean and Zach on the summit from below.

Asaka chose a lower route while I stayed closer to the top of the ridge. I felt like we were going slow, but then I spotted Brett and Scott not so far ahead of us.

A light trail reemerged higher up the mountain. I worried that Sean and Zach were waiting too long for me on top. I worried that Brian wouldn’t make the summit.

I had to cross some soft snow as I neared the top, but this was not a challenge. Montgomery Peak finally came into view beyond.

We reached the summit at 10:45am, four hours after we started out.

I unloaded the baby, inadvertently waking him in the process. Hey bud, welcome to the high point of Nevada.

Sean had been waiting on the summit for over an hour. He beat Zach by 20 minutes. Brett and Scott were only about 10 minutes ahead of Asaka and me. Brian was still nowhere to be found. I texted Brian and told him that he had a 1pm turn around time, and I told Scott to tell Brian to turn around if he had not made the summit by that time. I relieved myself of baby carrying duties and let Asaka take care of the rest. Brett, Sean, Zach and I turned our focus to Montgomery Peak. We dropped off the mountain and hiked towards the saddle where we crossed the California and Nevada border.

We had read a diverse set of claims from various trip reports and weren’t quite sure what to expect. In the end, the traverse was mostly class 2 with some easy class 3 and a few sections of loose rock.

We hiked mostly on top of the ridge, but in the places where the ridge became sharp, we stayed underneath the left side. The route finding was very easy and well placed cairns but and end to any doubts.

A lone climber passed us on the final stretch. Once on the summit we introduced ourselves and I learned that he went to my same climbing gym in San Jose. To the north were Mt Dubois and White Mountain.

To the southwest were Benton Point and the Sierra Nevada.

Way below us to the northwest were the diminutive Trafton Mountain and Antelope Mountain. Beyond that were the high peaks of Yosemite and a sliver of Mono Lake.

Way off to the north were Mt Grant and Walker Lake.

To the northeast were the Volcanic Hills and desert wasteland.

To the east ran Middle Creek Canyon.

The conditions couldn’t have been better. On our return, we decided to pick a route staying along the top of the ridge. Brett, who was a little nervous of the ridge traverse at first, mastered this knife edge section and proved to all that he is a master scrambler.

-Middle Creek

Our remaining group was gone by the time we reached Boundary Peak.

We took only a short break here before descending back down. Brett and I stopped to bag Hosebag Peak, which stood just a few minutes off the trail. Sean already did this on the way up, and he had his eyes set on the bonus peak Mustang Mountain on the other side of Queen Canyon Saddle. Zach didn’t seem to care about any more bonus peaks and simply continued down.

From Hosebag Peak, we followed the trail down to Trail Canyon Saddle.

Brett and I then marched up barren slopes to the summit of our last bonus peak for the day.

The views from the summit were sublime.

From the summit, we continued down the ridgeline until we naturally intersected the trail.

I left Brett somewhere along this off trail section and began a powerwalk once I reached the trail. 

I soon caught up to Brain. I was thrilled to learn that he made the summit before his turn around time. He seemed to be having a great day.

I was surprised to catch Zach next. He was seriously feeling the altitude. I bade him farewell and continued ahead. Asaka and Scott just barely beat me back to the car. I was happy to see my wife and baby happy and in one piece. Apparently Leif spotted a herd of deer and pointed them out to the previously unaware Asaka and Scott.

Brian finished the hike at the same time that Sean came back from Mustang Peak, so timing was perfect. After some hydrating, we all hopped back in the cars and drove back out to Highway 6.

Once on pavement, we said goodbye to the Kings who had High Sierra plans later in the week. The rest drove back to Lee Vining for dinner. Asaka was tired and the baby was fussy, but things got better once we all got some dinner inside of our bellies.

After dinner, we found a dirtbag spot just outside of Bridgeport where we spent the night. We planned to climb South Sister in the Sweetwaters the following day before driving back home to the Bay Area.

[chaoskirin]

Reversed (Reworked) Chapter Three

Chapter Title: Deacon’s Quandary Word Count: 4270 Rating: PG Genre: Fantasy/Gen

Summary: Although John's made friends with students from other Views, it doesn't look like his Vexxzusian friends are too thrilled. After an explanation of Freddie's Ghittan magic, John stalks away, only to find a problem hidden in the dark reaches of the Vexxzus dormitory.

Read Chapter on AO3 and/or Leave Comments!

---

"There's nothing about it not to get," Freddie said, wrapping his hands around the open pouch on the table. Over the past month, the unlikely quartet had sort of staked out their own territory in the Well, always gravitating toward the same spot. They gathered there whenever possible--every day, if they could.

"I agree," Brian said.

Today, Roger had dismissed Ghittan magic. Freddie had things to say about that, and he wasn't about to let Brian pontificate in his stead. "You would," he replied, albeit he hoped with satirical affection.

Brian tried: "It's just that--"

"Tut-tut," Freddie interrupted. "I'm explaining today. You've chosen to wear the colors of Kyyra. That means I'm better than you at at least one thing."

Brian sighed.

Freddie dipped his fingers into the beaded pouch, removing just a pinch of loamy sand collected from the bottom of the hot spring. "The earth has power," he said. "And if you're very lucky, like me, you can feel its magic coursing through you every time you touch it. That's why so many in our View don't wear shoes, see? Even though the Vale is built right from the earth, it's still manufactured. The power is so much less. Unless we're here in the Recreation Well. It's powerful here. Natural."

"But carrying around a bag," Roger said. "With dirt in it!"

"Several, actually." Smiling, Freddie removed a few more from his pockets, each collected from a different place. "I've quite the collection of pouches, you see. You can never tell what a situation will call for. In any case, within the Vale, I can't do magic without a strong connection to the earth. Think of the pouches as a supplement. Each grain contains the magic of the planet, so I can use it even indoors."

"But the soil expires," Brian said. He couldn't help it, Freddie supposed.

"Yes, yes, I was getting to that. Detached from the planet, the magic eventually fades."

"What a hassle," Roger said. "If I had to buy a new wand every couple days, I just wouldn't do magic."

Freddie laughed. "I don't buy a new pouch! I just dump out what I have so the earth can renew its magic, then I collect from somewhere else."

Roger dismissively waved a hand. "But you have to walk to do that. Right? What if you're sick, or you're just super lazy?"

"Like you?" John wondered.

The insult flew over Roger's head. "Exactly!"

"Well, that's why we each gravitate toward a certain View," Brian said. Taking hold of a fine silver chain, he pulled a severely faceted sapphire from the collar of his jumper. "There's some people who can choose between one or the other, but I think we all sort of have a certain favorite in our hearts. One that's easiest for us to manage."

"A gem's the same as a wand or a staff," Roger argued.

"You know that's not true." Brian reached behind his neck, unclasping the gem so he could set it on the table. "It's similar, but the gem draws from the self. My own innate magic. And Roger, your wand draws from the magical implement inside it. Magic-From-Magic."

Each View had its own sort of... mantra. One that governed the entire discipline. Magic-From-Magic. Magic-From-Self. Magic-From-Earth. And, of course, the newest View, Magic-From-Death.

Roger narrowed silver eyes. "I've seen you tire yourself out."

"Yes, yes," Brian said. "It's true. It can be depleted if I do too much. But the advantage is, I will eventually be able to do more with what I have, because the magic is mine. I understand it better than any of you will ever be able to understand yours. Anyway, why are we arguing? There's no View that's better than any other. Each has its own advantages and... limitations."

Somehow, their gaze collectively wandered to John. He noticed. And bristled. "What!"

"Having to kill something to do magic is a pretty bad limitation," Roger said.

Uncomfortable, John fidgeted. "It's okay. I breed the beetles in a tank in my dorm." He produced a leather strap from his pocket, which had been rolled into a spiral. At various intervals, a tiny glass vial was attached to the leather; each vial contained a bit of moss and a single shimmering beetle. "My parents told me to always make sure their deaths are quick and painless."

Freddie couldn't help but say, "Their deaths would be entirely preventable if you'd try Ghittan. Here." He handed over one of his many pouches. One that actually complimented the Vexxzusian colors of green and black. "My gift. From me... to you. Aren't you grateful?"

John stared at the pouch as if it contained deadly acid.

"He says he can't do other magic," Roger said. "I tried to get him to try Oerris, but he said he can only do the one."

Brian arched his eyebrows. "Some have a strong preference," he said. "And some can only do a couple. But the nature of death magic is--"

"Everyone knows if you're a Vexxzus, it's a choice," Freddie finished. "Any Vexxzus has at least one other discipline they can master. It's... Oh, I don't know. The promise of potentially unlimited power that draws people to death magic. It's selfish, is what it is. Er..."

Sometimes, he forgot. Even in the middle of a conversation, it could absolutely slip Freddie's mind that John was a Vexxzus. He attempted to salvage his blunder. "Present company excepted? I mean, that's just what they say. Tell him, Brian."

With sarcasm, Brian said, "You want me to talk now?"

"Yes, please."

He sighed. "I don't know a lot about it. I know I can do it if I want to, but I've always found it off-putting. But... Yes. I think it's pretty common knowledge that--uh--what Freddie said."

John stood, seizing the pouch and stuffing it into the pocket with his beetles. "Thanks for the dirt," he growled, stalking away.

Freddie hoped it was all for show, but John eventually disappeared into the stairwell. Strangely, a couple other Vexxzus deliberately followed him.

"Did you see that?" Freddie asked.

"The tantrum?" Roger replied. "Yeah, I think we all did."

"No, he's being followed," Brian said. "I don't think some of the others in his View are happy with him hanging out with us. The Vexxzuses don't really like the other Views. I guess it makes sense, considering how we feel. I'm not too keen on the Vexxzuses either, except for John."

"Imagine if they knew he was hanging out with a mermaid, too," Roger said.

"Once again," Freddie hissed, "Siren. Not mermaid. Sirens are much prettier."

"You're so ugly, though." Roger practically beamed with glee, barely ducking out of the way as Freddie swiped at him. He'd really walked right into that one. For all Roger acted like an idiot, he was awfully quick with a joke.

"You're still compensating for asking me to marry you. You know? After the incident? That's what you're doing." Freddie knew the comment hit home when Roger blushed. "Oh, don't be embarrassed. You're not the first."

"I almost did," Brian admitted. "Of course, I have half an ounce of sense."

"This is not Pick-on-Roger day," Roger muttered. "I checked my calendar this morning."

"He starts it, then he can't take it," Brian explained. "Anyway, they're going to be posting a list of some of the new books that are coming in at Illiya's--" He went to check his watch, and found it wasn't there.

Roger held it up. "Nabbed it while you had your giant nose stuck in a book."

"Give me that, you little thief." Brian snatched it out of the air, strapping it back around his wrist as he hurried off. "My nose is just fine. And you're terrible."

"Eh, I know." Roger shrugged, stood, and stretched. "I'm going to go have a nap before try-outs."

"Try-outs?" Freddie wondered. "You're going out for Virtuatekk?"

"Wish me luck!" Roger said, turning on his heel.

Which left Freddie alone.

Freddie hated being alone, but more than that, he hated being alone with guilt. At least if Roger and Brian had stayed, Freddie would be able to distract himself with conversation. But all he could see was the betrayed look on John's face. The disappointment. The trauma.

He should probably apologize. "Can't believe I'm doing this," he said, pushing himself to his feet.

The main stairwell from the Well branched into several others, each leading to different parts of the school. Though they could be confusing, and many a student had lost their way within the winding paths, Freddie inherited at least a bit of his father's sense of direction. Though he'd never been to the Vexxzusian dormitory before, he knew the general direction of its location, and soon found his way there.

But then almost thought twice about continuing, because the area was so completely foul. Dungeonlike, it was constructed out of low ceilings and stone pillars. It was dark and smelled of rot and death, which made sense, but made for a rather unpleasant aura. Freddie couldn't even feel a hint of the earth's magic through his toes, as if the very earth had forsaken this place. He'd have to brave the cobwebs and giant spiders--seriously, why were there giant spiders?--if it meant making sure John was okay.

Was it so unkempt because the rest of the Vale avoided this place? Did the cleaning staff even venture here? Stepping over a spilled potion puddling on the uneven floor, Freddie searched for any hint that the area had been dusted in the last twenty years.

Perhaps the interior of the dormitory was more palatable than the reception area. If not, he'd have to have words with John, and perhaps entice him into joining Ghittan. Some students did switch Views, after all, once it became clear that they fit better elsewhere.

As Freddie pondered his pitch, he heard soft sobbing.

Narrowing his eyes, he turned a corner toward it and nearly sauntered right into a trio of Vexxzuses with their backs turned to him. Quickly, silently, he ducked behind a crumbling partition. Hidden by shadow, he could almost sit right out in the open to watch them as they gathered around a fourth student on his hands and knees, shivering on the damp floor. It was John.

"Aw, he's crying now," one of the voices mocked.

"Good," said another.

"Do it again," the first voice said.

"I already did," John cried. "Please, just--"

"Do it again!"

Through the brutish Vexxzuses' arms, Freddie watched John reach into the Ghittani earth pouch and take just a pinch, then mutter some words Freddie couldn't hear. It must have been a spell.

Immediately, John screamed and whimpered, falling over onto his side.

Freddie wanted to run to him, but there was no way he could fight his way through three nearly-graduated Vexxzuses, as oily and wiry as they were.

"You'll thank us later," the first voice said. "You're going to do this again and again until you figure out why we don't hang out with the other Views. We protect our own."

This certainly didn't seem like protection. What were they doing to him?

"We should have another twenty minutes before anyone comes down here," the second voice said. "Go make sure no one's coming. It's gonna get worse."

Freddie ducked back into the shadows as footsteps approached, then passed. Once the Vexxzus was out of sight, Freddie peered around the partition again, only to wish he hadn't. He could see John much more clearly now. Huddled on the floor, the second-year cradled his hand, which had erupted with a hundred boils. Someone had also cursed him with antlers, too, as his hair was stacked and stretched unnaturally into characteristic pronged horns. With John's long hair, he had quite an impressive set. In fact, his head was bent forward, unable to support their weight.

"Careful. Don't go too far," The second voice said. "If he backfires enough..."

"I know. It'd serve him right, hanging out with..." the first voice trailed off, then said, "Don't, by the way. You're lucky this is just a warning--Hey!"

As John tried to crawl away, the first Vexxzus kicked him. Hard.

John yelped, and Freddie had seen enough.

He'd never used his voice as a weapon before. At least, not like he was thinking of using it. Still, he began to sing the words of an old song, hoping immunity to his voice wasn't a common Vexxzusian trait.

"The breeze in Scotland bends the trees The trees refuse to break The Wind blows waves onto the shore Destruction in its wake Soon all is left in ruins The trees, the land, and man The Siren lives and stands alone Their death, his only plan."

He waited for them to come running, to find him, to beat him like they did to John, but it was silent, except for the whimpering. Freddie looked around the partition again, finding the two older Vexxzus students staring at him blankly. John was staring at the floor, his antlers resting on it. Now and again, he sobbed quietly.

Confident they wouldn't be able to break out of the song's spell, Freddie hurried forward, kneeling next to John. He looked bad, face contorted in pain. "It's okay, I'm here now."

John just whimpered.

"John?" Freddie said.

The boy tried to lift his head, but couldn't. Freddie rifled through his pockets until he found the spring-silt bag. "I'm gonna cut the antlers off. Your hair's going to be shorter for a while, but you'll be able to walk, at least. Okay?"

"Mm-hm," John answered.

Smudging a bit of dirt onto each antler, Freddie intoned "Ecutis" and severed both. They clattered to the floor and John finally looked up, green eyes wide and filled with tears.

"I thought--They--"

"Shh. It's okay. We'll get you to the hospital."

Freddie had to deal with the other Vexxzuses first, though. "I hate your whole bloody View, John. Seriously. You lot." He looked up, addressing the boys. "You ever do this again... You ever bother him again..."

Could he do this? It was stepping over a line... Appealing to their self-preservation while robbing them of a choice. "Don't hurt him ever again. If you do, I'll kill you."

They nodded stupidly.

"And... And you're to forget I was here. You're to forget it was me. Go--Go back to your dorms now. Stay there 'til tomorrow."

Unquestioningly, they did, shuffling off like zombies.

Freddie actually felt sick.

But he could think about that later. "You think you can walk?" he asked. John nodded, pushing himself to his feet with cracked, reddened hands. "Good. Good, we'll get you upstairs."

It was a long way to go with no one seeing them. But he didn't want to leave John down in the cold dungeon while he went to fetch someone. Thankfully, the sight of a Ghittan tugging an injured Vexxzus along by half an antler was just too much of a puzzle for some people to grasp, so they were left alone all the way up to the infirmary.

Once there, Salwix greeted them with, "You? Again?"

Freddie had no idea what that was about. "I found him outside his dorm. He was attacked." He didn't say what he'd done to the students who'd done the attacking, though. It was horrible, robbing someone of their free will. Plus, he was still afraid that someone would find out, even though he'd told the Vexxzuses to forget.

"Attacked?" Salwix said. "Did you see who?"

"No, I don't know the Vexxzuses," Freddie said. "And besides, I only saw their backs." Another lie. "Can you help him?"

"Of course," Matron Salwix said. "Of course. You run along now, though. I'll have to figure out what this is before I can heal it."

Freddie nodded, weakly making his way out of the infirmary and sitting down on the top step just outside.

That's where Roger and Brian found him several hours later.

"He didn't really say anything. That was the scary part," Freddie said, after he'd told the story. "I mean, John always has something to say. But all the way upstairs, he just..."

"Poor kid," Roger said. "It's okay, we'll figure out who it was."

"I might have left that part out," Freddie said, looking at his hands. "I mean, they'll... They'll definitely leave him alone now. We don't have to figure out who it was."

For all he tried to forget it, Freddie could remember each of their staring, blank faces as if he'd known them his whole life.

"Freddie, what'd you do?" Brian asked.

"I told them... If they ever hurt John again, I'd kill them. Then I told them to forget who I was." Freddie wouldn't look up. He couldn't bear it if Roger and Brian were judging him. "And they have no reason to believe I can't kill them, since they don't know what I can do."

"What's wrong with that?" Roger asked. "Sounds pretty smart to me."

"Under the circumstances..." Brian said. "It sounds like you did the right thing."

"Yeah, but taking away their free will..." Freddie started, but Brian held out a hand, cutting him off.

"You took away their ability to hurt someone. Bugger their free will. If they're going to go after John because he's friends with you, I say you did the right thing."

Roger nodded.

Freddie only felt marginally better. It was one thing to agree with what he did. It was another thing entirely to have done it. "If I can do that, what's to stop me from telling someone to jump off the top of the Vale, or I'll kill 'em?"

"There's nothing," Brian said. "But that's not who you are, is it?"

"Of course it's not," Roger said, smiling. His eyes were an iron-colored silver, turning slowly purple as it prepared to rain. "Think about what you did, Fred. How old were they? Sixth? Seventh year? You took out all of 'em by singing. You might have saved John's life."

"I don't think they would have killed him," Freddie said.

"Still," Brian said. "You did good. Nothing about what you did is remotely bad."

"Guys?"

They turned around to find John standing just outside the infirmary door. The antlers were gone now, though his hair was much shorter and puffy, almost cloud-like. There was a nasty bruise under one eye, and his hands were bandaged. "Did you wait here for me?"

"Of course," Freddie said. "And these two found me when I didn't show up in Rec."

John sat down on the step next to Freddie, and leaned on his shoulder. "I'm so tired," he said. Freddie put his arm around him.

John did seem so much younger than the others just then. He was small, even for a second-year, and at the moment, he was even quieter than usual. To think that other people from his house--sixth or seventh years at that, Freddie was sure--could attack him so viciously that he'd stop talking entirely...

"I'm... Allergic to the other Views," John said. "I'm not supposed to tell anyone. The other Vexxzuses think it makes us weak."

"Allergic?" Brian asked. "Like..."

"Yeah. Some Vexxzuses are. If we try to cast magic in other ways, it backfires. It doesn't matter what you cast, either. The effect is random. And the more you try, the worse it gets. I don't know how far they were gonna go, Freddie. If you hadn't found me..." He tapered off, shaking his head.

All Freddie could say was "I'm so sorry."

"That's why some people go to Vexxzus," Brian realized. "They have to. They don't have a choice."

John nodded.

"Well, I'm glad you're still talking to us," Freddie said. "Those brutes made a compelling point. Are you going to--I mean, what if someone else...?"

John smiled. "I'll be ready next time. I'm tougher than I look. Besides, those ones Freddie sang at are the worst, and they won't bother me anymore!" Freddie detected a note of pride in the second-year's voice, and it made all his worries evaporate.

"No, they won't," Freddie replied. "But there's others...?"

"I said I can deal with the others," John said, a hint of his constant low-grade irritation returning. "They won't catch me off guard again, trust me."

"Temper," Roger said.

John reached around Freddie and gave Roger a shove with a heavily-bandaged hand.

"Just be careful," Brian said. "You've got a long ways to go here. Don't get yourself expelled."

"Oh, I'll be careful," John promised, with the ghost of a very reckless smile.

---

Brian knew something was up when John asked him to create a spellslip.

Spellslips were a creation of Kyyra mages and contained just a tiny, temporary, extremely malleable shred of self-magic written on paper. They had dozens of practical uses, and more talented Kyyra could transfer their magic in amazingly creative ways.

John didn't ask for anything creative, though. He asked for a microfect--which was essentially the essence of one's magic--written on a strange piece of near-translucent paper.

And sure, the other Views could impose their own magic on a spellslip, but the infinitesimal amount of magic Brian transferred made him more curious than wary.

Additionally, John had asked Freddie for a scale, and Roger for a spellvial--essentially the same thing as a spellslip, but in liquid form and far, far more volatile. Spellvials were unique to Oerris, but few ever used them. They tended to explode.

Brian made John promise that he wouldn't make anything explode, but John just laughed and said, "don't worry." It didn't exactly assuage Brian's fears.

It did get him to thinking about the creative ways one could combine various magics into something more powerful. Perhaps Vexxzus wasn't the "future of magic," as some mages in the discipline insisted. Perhaps the true potential of magic lay in its combination.

In any case, Brian mostly forgot about the gifted spellslip until one fateful day in the cafeteria.

Most Views tended to keep to their own tables, although Brian, Freddie, John, and Roger usually sat together anyway. It was a little odd for John to be apart from the other Vexxzuses; over the past few days, he'd gotten some glacial glares from his fellows. Even if other Views sometimes sat with their friends from other dormitories, the Vexxzuses almost never did.

Although John seemed to relish these glares. Odd.

"What're these?" Freddie asked, sitting down at the long table and indicating the cakes placed at even intervals. Most of them were already cut into, with many students already enjoying their portions.

"Don't know," Roger replied, his face covered in frosting. "Something the Vale did, I guess. Don't think it's a holiday. Maybe one of the teachers' birthdays?"

Brian shrugged to indicate his own ignorance. "They're at all the tables," he said.

"Maybe one of the staff is learning to bake," John suggested, with that same reckless smile he wore after his accident.

Before Brian could say anything, though, Roger said, "You know something."

John arched his eyebrows. "Oh, look. Brian's doing something."

"You're deflecting," Brian said. "Clearly. Besides, what I'm doing isn't nearly as interesting. I'm just making a list of books to look for on Weald Day."

"You know you can just send a Mailer Daemon to the Weald and they'll send you back what you need," Roger said. "That's how I got that anger management book for John."

John rolled his eyes. "Yes. It made wonderful kindling."

Brian blinked. "You didn't."

"He did! Thankfully..." Roger trailed off as he reached into his bag, pulling out a book titled Managing Your Rage, which he presented to John. "They were on discount, so I've got thirteen more. If this one falls into the fire somehow, or gets thrown into the spring, or flies off the roof of Vale Rest and into the foggy moors never-to-be-found-again, you just let me know." "Great," John growled.

"See?" Roger said. "It's already working. He hasn't turned me into a frog yet." "Yet." John smiled, then reached across the table to turn Brian's watch so he could see it. "You're about to find out what I've been doing," he said, then gave a surreptitious nod toward the gathered Vexxzuses.

Curious, Brian turned to watch. So did the others. "Any second," John said again. "And... Now." Not all the Vexxzuses, but a good number of them, jumped from their seats at the same time. Some of them were clutching their backsides or stomachs as they fled amid the confused stares of the other students. Some of them nearly fell over each other as they fought to escape, and most cried out in rather comical desperation. Laughter and cries of shock came from the hall just outside the cafeteria.

"One spellslip written on cake parchment," John said, "designed to cause a simultaneous magic effect. One spellvial of vanilla extract--sorry, Brian. It's an explosion, but probably not the kind you were expecting. And one of Freddie's scales, finely chopped, spelled with my own magic to carry the memory of sirensong. They won't know I did it, but they'll be wary of me for reasons they don't even understand."

Roger looked at the nearly-finished piece of cake on his plate.

"Oh, don't worry," John shrugged. "It was just for Vexxzus." Roger non-subtly pulled another couple copies of the anger management book out of his bag, and placed them in front of John.

John just smiled.

Brian couldn't help but be impressed.

[365days365movies]

January 4, 2021: First Blood (1982) (Part II)

Quick Recap before we go on. Oh, and SPOILERS right up top!

John Rambo (Sylvester Stallone) is a Vietnam vet wandering through Washington State, until coming upon the town of Hope, run by the Sheriff Will Teasle (Brian Dennehy).

Sheriff Will Teasle is an absolute dick who arrests Rambo for no real reason; just for being a “drifter.” His police force, which includes the sadistic Galt (Jack Starrett) and sympathetic Mitch (David Caruso, AKA Horatio Caine from CSI: Miami), beats John Rambo, and post-2020 me is UNCOMFORTABLE!!!!!!!

Rambo has Vietnam flashbacks (like you do) and escapes the prison, pursued by the obsessive and dickish Sheriff and his equally dickish men (except for Horatio, maybe).

Galt tries to shoot Rambo, and karma bitch-slaps him RIGHT in the face, holy shit. He dies, and Rambo is blamed and shot at, escaping into the forest.

OK?

OK. On with the recap!

At this point, all of Rambo’s actions are in self-defense. In truth, it’s been self-defense since the beginning. However, he does kill two dogs, so...yeah, can’t really justify that. That sucks. The dog’s handler gets shot by Rambo, who now has a gun, and we also see that Galt’s certified sociopathy has leaked into everybody else but Horatio upon his death, including the dog guy, who tells his dogs to straight up kill Rambo. But, as previously stated...that’s not what happens.

At this point, I should introduce the amemedala.

The amemedala is a portion of the mesencephalon (or midbrain) discovered in the brains of millennials and younger individuals, recently discovered, named, and made up by yours truly. This area, attached to the thalamus, acts as a relay center between the cerebrum and the various sensory receptors of the body, similar to the function of the thalamus. However, while the thalamus governs the broad relay of senses to the appropriate areas of the brain for analysis, the amemedala relays appropriate sensory signals to the frontal lobes, where catalogs of shared sociological trends, or memes, are housed. This relay and association generates connections between extrenal stimuli, and entries in the meme catalog of the frontal lobes. While this is technically an autonomic process, it can be suppressed with enough willpower.

Why am I ringing this up in the middle of First Blood? Because EVERY. SINGLE. CELL of my brain is working to suppress the amemedala right now. Why? BECAUSE OF THE LORAX, AND FOR WHOM HE SPEAKS.

Is it an outdated meme? Very much so. BUT I CANNOT GET IT OUT OF MY GODDAMN HEAD AS I WATCH THIS MOVIE.

OK. That is now out of my system. Anyway, Rambo continues to speak for the trees, which is understandably starting to spook the smalltown cops. This leads to the VERY surprising moment where a camouflaged Rambo appears OUT OF NOWHERE and stabs Horatio in the goddamn leg! Like, wow, he was invisible! I had to rewind the film to see where he was. This is tense...and awesome, not gonna lie. This is awesome.

And then, he gets another cop by JUMPING FROM A TREE. Well, a tree stump, BUT STILL. After he takes him out, he stands in plain sight in front of an approaching cop. That cop, subscribing once again to the shoot-first-ask-questions-later policy, fires. And I SWEAR, Rambo is FASTER THAN THOSE SPEEDING BULLETS, as he dodges out of the way, and the bullets HIT THE COP HE JUST TOOK OUT!

And then, when I didn’t think this could get any more intense, that cop triggers a booby trap, and A STICK WITH WOODEN SPIKES GOES THROUGH THIS MAN’S LEGS, AND HE’S SPEARED LIKE A KEBAB OH MY GOD

The asshole sheriff runs to the NEW set of panicked screams, and his compatriot is just Batman-ed away by Rambo. It’s just the sheriff, now. The storm is building, and the forest is getting darker. The sheriff frees leg-spike cop, and goes to find the other cop, who’s been PINNED TO A TREE LIKE A BUTTERFLY IN A DISPLAY CASE. See, look!

HOLY SHIT IT’S RAMBO WITH A KNIFE IN THE FOREST. He pins the sheriff up to a tree, then with some legitimately badass lines, threatens with the sheriff with “a war [he] wouldn’t believe,” and telling him to make like Elsa and…

I love this sequence. It is the most intense, crazy, holy shit sequence I’ve seen so far this month. Wow. I understand why people talk about this movie. Man, that was a hell of a ride! Good movie, though. All right, so, time for the final sco-

Oh. Oh, my God. I’m only HALFWAY INTO THE MOVIE?

...Wow. OK, then.

We now meet Colonel Sam Trautman, Rambo’s commander in the Green Berets. He’s come to “get his boy.” He says that he came to rescue the Sheriff’s dumb ass from Rambo, rather than the other way around. And the Sheriff is...an idiot. He’s an ass, he’s a maniac, and he’s a stubborn idiot. Even after learning that Rambo is the best, he’s unwilling to back down, the dummkopf.

Rambo kills a wild boar in the woods, which makes no sense for Washington State, but whatever, sure. Anyway, they try to get the colonel to lure Rambo out, even though that’s obviously gonna make his PTSD, just...SO much worse. Especially as he starts using Vietnam parlance in contacting him. Not gonna end well, guys. But it’s then that we learn that Rambo is now the last surviving member of his unit, contributing to his trauma. Rambo’s also been trying to get in contact with the Colonel, winding up here because he has no place to go. He says that there are no friendly civilians, and the trouble’s been caused by that “king-shit” cop. I will be using this term from now on.

Wow. Damn. Hell of a reason for that title. And I think I love this movie. Seriously, I’m having a good time.

King-Shit Cop keeps going ahead with his absolute idiocy, despite all warnings to the contrary. So, a bunch of troops now converge upon Rambo’s place, but he naturally opens fire on them, without killing a single person. In fact, he hasn’t killed anyone this whole movie, and they make a point of saying that he’s been holding back the whole time. So, they decide to use the next, most logical course of action. They FIRE A ROCKET AT HIM.

Afterwards, the Colonel and King Shit Cop catch up at a bar, where the latter exposes his full sociopathy, commenting that he just wanted to kill Rambo. This is opposed to the Colonel, who doesn’t really know what he’d do if Rambo survived.

Which, of course, he did. C’mon, you think a little military-grade propelled explosive is gonna kill John Rambo? Nah. He’s the best there ever was, and he’s gonna prove it now. He jumps into a military vehicle holding an M-60, and hijacks it. Doesn’t take long for the news to break that Rambo’s still kicking, and he’s quickly intercepted by King Shit Cop, who JUST. DOESN’T. KNOW. WHEN. TO QUIT. And I’d admire his tenacity if he wasn’t SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

The cops try to run Rambo and the truck of the road, and he plays the UNO Reverse Card on them instead. And I’m pretty sure at this point…

...that old Johnny boy’s just killed some cops. So, yeah, now there’s a bigger problem. He powers through the State Police blockade like it was a banner blocking a football team, stops at a gas station, grabs the gun from the car, and LIGHTS ALL OF THAT SHIT ON FIRE! Destroying the livelihood of an individual who had nothing to do with this.

Yeah, Rambo’s starting to turn from innocent acting in self-defense to public menace REAL quick. And yeah, it’s King Shit Cop’s fault entirely...but, yeah, Johnny needs some help, because he’s losing the train at this point. But, not to be outdone, King Shit Cop is also beginning to lose it, and it’s definitely beginning to seem like only one of them is going to come out of this alive. And the Colonel tries to give him an out, but King Shit Cop’s prepared to go down with the ship that he blew a hole in in the first place. Like an asshole.

But here we go, the finale. John Rambo vs. King Shit Cop (whose name, by the way, is Will Teasle. I just like Rambo’s name for him better). KSC’s on the roof, Rambo’s on the street. Rambo causes more property damage, possibly because banks also give him PTSD (I joke, but PTSD is no laughing matter, John clearly needs help), and then finds his way to a store that has just all of the ammo a psychologically-damaged Vietnam War veteran on a revenge quest could ever need.

And then he BLOWS. THAT. SHIT. UP.

And he does this...ALL of this...just to lure KSC out of hiding. This man DESTROYS A TOWN because this idiot, sociopathic, unhinged, King Shit Cop, won’t just STAND. THE FUCK. DOWN ALREADY.

Rambo enters the police station, where KSC is on the roof. And, like the Colonel and the rest of us guessed, KSC gets shot in the process. And as Rambo stands over KSC, the Colonel finally shows up and does what literally everybody else should have done.

Talk. He just...talks to Rambo. He talks to this mentally ill man, and that mentally ill man responds, espousing his pure anger at the war, the public, protesters, work, the country, the town, himself...everyone. And goddamn, is that shit palpable.

This man can no longer fit in the world that he was forced to leave, and forced to return to. This poor, poor, poor man. It hurts. And it sucks. And he pours his heart out to the Colonel, and to us, and...you feel it. You feel his trauma, you feel his pain. You feel the aftermath of war. And it’s been seven years at this point for the Colonel, but no time for John. Not Rambo. John. And it’s just...never over.

Damn. Goddamn.

This...this is one hell of a good movie. And not just a good action movie, either. A damn good movie.

And that’s it. That’s First Blood.

[loquaciousquark]

Talks Machina Highlights - Critical Role C2E83 (Nov. 5, 2019)

A day late and many dollars short, but we’re here! Tonight’s preroll: minifigs & what I assume are tonight’s guests of Liam & Matt:

which is followed by lazy susan rotating the D&D minis from eldritch-foundry.com for the rest of the cast. Cute! Anyway, Dani is back and ready to rumble! Brian is briefly lambasted for only getting through mumblemumble questions last week, but it’s all smoothed over soon enough and we move right along.

Tonight’s announcements: Undeadwood finale is delayed one week due to some post-production tech issues. Should premiere Friday, Nov. 15. Brian marvels over Matt’s speech about God being just as feral as what he creates. Matt is also surprised. Marisha is apparently the living dice Snitch of both campaign 2 and Undeadwood - everyone wonders if it’s the seat, the chair, the floor, or some innate karmic sense Marisha herself creates. CR is also partnering with Operation Supply Drop for the month of November to support veterans. Matt announces (re-announces?) that they are partnering with Amazon to create a full second animated season, as well as two more episodes to the original season one. All backers will be able to still watch the full season one for free. Everyone is so excited & I’m excited for them. Good job, tiny D&D friend group. More details on the CR Kickstarter Updates page.

And now! Episode 83: Dark Bargains

CR Stats: Liam poured wine for 49 seconds. Brief sidebar as Liam expresses genuine nervousness being on the couch beside Matt; he normally talks behind his back on TM, since he’s not sure if Matt ever watches it, but now he has to watch what he says. Caleb’s smell has been mentioned 60 times. Matt acknowledges that he is clean and washed. [doubt] Nott’s death was the 60th knockout and 8th player death of C2. Half of those deaths were Frumpkin. Liam calls Frumpkin a magic fart with a weak wifi signal.

Our first question (23 minutes in, NOT THAT ANYONE’S COUNTING), reveals that Matt did design the HFB with some “big red buttons” for the characters to press, or want to press. He expected more group approval before some of them were pressed, though (the dreadnought). Liam wanted to clear all the corners of the Baldur’s Gate map. 

Caleb fears Halas because he’s one of the most powerful mages ever, he fears the lab setup/experimentation angle, he still fears the siren song, and is scared of the grains of similarity he sees between the two of them.

Liam knows they’ve continually seen fun stuff come from shitty situations, but Caleb sees the story of the HFB as “you’re not welcome here; this is going to suck for YOU! You thought you were going to have fun here? Fuck you!”

Matt loves those climactic moments though, because he loves it when the dice tell the story. Liam loves that there was a day where Matt rolled terribly in Undeadwood and played it as being embarrassed to be around all these amazing people.

Matt enjoyed getting to dig into the backstory of his world. He’s had references to pre-divergence stuff before, and it was a big joy to give more context to some of the things the M9 have been encountering.

Liam: “[Caleb] is gambling big when he thinks there’s something of worth to gain.“ He’d heard of a long-vanished mage who was messing with time stuff, and thought there might be a chance this was him. Then, once they found the gem, he started feeling this might be the real chance he needed to start messing with the crazy stuff he wants to do with time.

The bound devil was a general temptation, but in hindsight he can see why Jester was drawn to him. Matt often builds scenarios and has no idea how they will react to them (and acknowledges that the M9 did not fully read the poem that would have given them more info here), and sometimes he’s right and sometimes he’s very wrong.

Caleb is very distrustful of other arcanists and always assesses their level of threat to the group. Liam does think Caleb has come a long way since the start of the campaign. “A lot is changing for him. He’s very reactive in a lot of ways. Whatever is laid out for him in the moment that he can take advantage of, or that he cares about...I don’t know. The Betrayer Gods coming back is so much more important, and I don’t know if it’s going to make him let go of that stuff. He has to re-evaluate. He has to. He’s like an addict who has a weak day.”

Brian comments that Caleb seems to be a clinic in self-forgiveness. He wants him to do well, but at the end of the day he wants him to forgive himself. He also points out that it’s possible to get addicted to grief, and he sees that in Caleb; he’s choosing to stay in that space, and we are watching what that does to a person. Brian feels that he forms an attachment to the grief because it is the only emotional connection he has to the family he lost.

Liam nods and says these are things he’s been thinking about for months and months. He does not and did not have the answers when he created the character, and is looking forward to seeing where he ends up. He is not railroading his character; he’s letting the other players affect his character so that Caleb can remain malleable.

Matt loves how it reflects how real people inform the lives and actions of their friends in real life.

Cosplay of the Week: @suchamantis on twitter for a Caleb/spellbook cosplay. It’s gorgeous work!

Brief derailment into Liam pulling a Bane out of his mug and Matt hypersensually smelling the winner’s dice vault. I don’t even know what’s happening.

Revivify in this campaign is being used as a CPR/AED type thing. If they fail, the DC goes up and a longer-form raise dead spell must be used out of combat.

It did occur to Liam that this is the second time his bestie has been killed by a treasure box. Would Caleb make the same sacrifice? Liam says in a spooky voice that nothing is as strong as the twin bond...but when Caleb goes into full-on survival mode where all emotions are pushed to the side, he doesn’t know what would happen. He knew he was with two very magical people who could work miracles and was focused on just getting her up the steps to them. Matt was sure everyone would figure it out and was shocked when no one checked it for traps.

The effect of the diamond on Nott being different from the diamond on Cad was flavor related to the Power Word Kill trap that was on the chest. He built the revivify around that imagery in the moment. A lot of Matt’s flavor text around spells is built around the moment, the characters themselves, their gods, etc. as much as possible.

Caleb is glad to find the signs of magic that may be able to return Nott to a halfling, but was way too concerned about the gem to think about anything else at that time.

Fanart of the Week: @acemasters4 on twitter for a beautiful pastel stylized portrait of Caduceus and mushrooms.

Ashley is almost here! Brian allllmost tells us how many days but refrains. COME BACK ASHLEY.

The Angel of Irons thread has been planned since the very beginning: everything with chains and hunger was planned. He pulled it together with Yasha when he realized they would mesh well. She had created her backstory, and as the campaign proceeded he was able to marry some threads together to make story points. Liam compliments Matt’s ability to weave character & world backstory together; specifically, the crystals in Caleb’s arms were Matt’s idea after Liam sent the first draft of his backstory to Matt. Liam loved it and ran with it.

Everyone is so excited that she is coming back and Matt won’t have to plan for her to be suddenly absent again.

In a moment that shakes my world, Matt is discovered to be wrong about what class of magic Cure Wounds is in 5e. The question is about how Halas’s comment on healing being necromantic is a throwback to older editions of D&D where CW was a necromancy spell, and Dani reveals to us all that in 5e it is now Invocation. Matt chooses to accept this as a deliberate throwback to older editions to emphasize that “man out of time” feel.

Chris Perkins apparently once described BWF’s personality as “Power Word Kill for someone’s joy.” He also apparently did MMA & figure skating, because why not.

Caleb’s reference to Jester suffering in the ruby was purely coincidental regarding her mother. He didn’t realize until it popped out of his mouth.

BWF talks about how he likes where the campaign is at. He has a weird gut feeling that something exciting is about to happen. “I’m finally invested in this campaign after 83 episodes.”

Everyone pauses to talk about how beautiful Matt’s hair is blowing in the wind. BWF tells a story about how based on how they were sitting in Undeadwood filming, Matt’s hair would blow ever-so-slightly in the A/C and people thought they did it on purpose.

Matt had a good time at Blizzcon! He was glad to see people gathering for the Hong Kong protests; he understands it’s a very complicated situation where the initial punishment was way too harsh and caused a ripple effect, but he was glad to see the space where the activism was welcomed in response.

Matt enjoyed cosplaying again for the first time in a long time, both at Blizzcon and as McCree for the Halloween episode. When he was buying adhesive a shop worker upsold him on an inferior product, which is why his beard started falling off during the show. Sad times, Matt. :(

And that’s all! Is it Thursday yet?

[mrsvasiliev]

Guess what I did instead of working on that Shobbs fic?

So instead of writing that fic I promised @thefuckingwarship, I compiled a list! A list that is fueled by my love for Jason Statham.  But this is not a typical “actor crush” where I think an actor is hot or charming. This is what I call a “dad crush” where I often find myself wishing his badass characters would be my dad. It probably has to do with the fact that he spends two movies bonding with little Chinese girls. As a former little Chinese girl, I am very affected. So I made a list, with notes, ranking every character I’ve seen him play in order of my dad preference. Please feel free to add to this or disagree with me. I’d love to hear other people’s opinions on his dad potential.  (I’ll get back to working on that fic I swear!)

Metrics: 

Ranking: My order of preference for how much I want them to be my dad. Not necessarily logical. Not fully based on other ratings.

Fun factor: how much fun you have when you are with him. How funny/cool they are. Does not indicate care/ reliability/ bond.

Dad factor: reliability. emotional availability. protectiveness. General dad qualities. 

1. Jonas Taylor - charming and good with kids. Not an “emotionally stunted tough guy”. Has good healthy relationships with everyone. Lives in a world where it’s “take your kids to work day” every day, which means awesome ocean adventures and learning how to fight sharks. Fun Factor: 10/10   Dad Factor: 9/10

2. Phil Broker -  Like Jonas, he is also good with kids, emotionally available and balanced.  Stay at home dad, with dad powers at 1000%. Will rescue you single-handedly from kidnappers. Will go horseback riding with you after school. Will do literally anything for you, from kicking asses to licking boots. Loses first place to Jonas because he has no personality/hobbies outside of being the best dad ever. I can see the relationship being a little suffocating as you grow older. Won’t take you on cool adventures like fighting biker gangs and blowing up meth labs, because he’s too protective. :( Fun Factor: 7/10   Dad Factor: 100/10

3. Luke Wright - Cool, laid back dad. Treats you as an equal. Will respect your autonomy and intelligence. Happy to let you spread your wings, but always there to catch you when you fall. Will run your enemies over with a car several times.  Fun Factor: 7/10   Dad Factor: 10/10

4. Deckard Shaw - Displayed a lot of cool uncle vibes with baby Brian, so definitely great with kids. Psycho-bananas for family. Probably will be a very involved and protective dad. Unlike Phil, who completely divorces himself from his job to be a dad, being a badass assassin is basically the Shaw family business. You will learn how to make bombs and kill people. Will have many cool adventures saving the world. Fun Factor: 15/10   Dad Factor: 8/10

5. Jensen Ames - Good solid family man type. Works hard to provide for you. Breaks out of jail and murders people to get daughter back. Will raise you in a dystopian Mexican junkyard. Fun Factor: 2/10   Dad Factor: 9/10

6.  Rick Ford - Most embarrassing dad ever! You will probably not survive past puberty because you would have died of embarrassment at some point. Will tackle being a dad with as much intensity and enthusiasm as everything else. Honestly kind of cute in his earnestness. Fun Factor: 4/10   Dad Factor: 11/10

7. Danny Bryce - Emotionally stunted tough guy. Is responsible and competent. Like Phil, he leaves his badassery behind for his family, so no awesome adventures. :( Cares about you in his own gruff way, but has trouble expressing it probably. You can always depend on him. Fun Factor: 4/10   Dad Factor: 7/10

8.  Turkish - Great sense of humour, cool dude, seems like a good time to be around. Hustling to make a living and provide for you. Lost to Danny because he is a little bumbling and not very competent. You might lose your dad because he got killed by gangsters or arrested by the police. Fun Factor: 7/10   Dad Factor: 6/10

9. Lee Christmas - Lee seems like a cool dude too. Not around a lot, but shows a genuine desire for family (i.e. the Lacy debacle). Would treasure his relationship with you. You’ll have a good time whenever he is around, but he would be gone for months at a time. Expect to have 20 badass, doting aunts/uncles. Fun Factor: 7/10   Dad Factor: 4/10

10. Quentin Connors - Intelligent and competent. He has a sense of loyalty but ultimately is selfish and a little narcissistic. Not a good man. But he does have one billion dollars. My moral compass kind of goes haywire from the magnetic pull of one billion dollars. Fun Factor: 7/10   Dad Factor: 4/10

11. Tony Leather - Family man with questionable priorities. Claims to be pulling jobs to provide for his family, but clearly attached to his criminal buddies and lifestyle. Disregards his wife's concerns and protests. Tony cares about his family but can’t prioritize it over the con. Good with his kids though. Fun Factor: 5/10   Dad Factor: 4/10

12. Chev Chelios- Human disaster. Trying to improve himself. Probably not a responsible dad, but will make an honest effort. Will bring you to some horribly inappropriate places. Will let you get away with a lot. Fun factor: 6/10  Dad factor: 4/10

13.  Jack Crawford - Obsessed with finding his partner’s killer. You’ll always take a backseat to the case. Total disappointment of a dad. Does care about you and will try, but expect to be tossed to the side as soon as he gets a lead. Fun Factor: 2/10   Dad Factor: 3/10

14. Bateman - Loving guy. Seems smart and charming. Like Christmas, he has a longing for family and will likely treasure his relationship with any children of his. Is, unfortunately, a crackhead, therefore cannot be trusted to be responsible for kids. Fun Factor: 5/10   Dad Factor: 2/10

15. Nick Wild - Has a strong sense of loyalty and responsibility. But is also a self-destructive, compulsive gambler. Is definitely an “emotionally stunted tough guy”. Will care about you, but will not be emotionally available. Can count on him to avenge you for your murder at least. Fun Factor: 3/10   Dad Factor: 2/10

16.  Bacon- Immature, deadbeat dad. Seem like the type of guy who dumps the heavy lifting of parenthood on his partner. Will be around to play with you when it’s convenient for him. More likely to hang out with his mates. Maybe 1 hour/week of dad time. Fun Factor: 4/10   Dad Factor: 1/10

17. Tom Brandt - Another entry for embarrassing dads as well as “emotionally stunted tough guy” dads. Total fashion disaster. That lumpy-ass-old-man-sweater with baggy sweatpants?!! Ewww…. No social grace or manners. Will kill you with embarrassment just like Rick Ford. Proven time and again to be prone to excessive violence. A domestic abuse case waiting to happen. Fun Factor: 0/10   Dad Factor: 1/10

18/19 Arthur Bishop/ Handsome Rob - Does not know you exist. You don’t even know their name. Your mom doesn’t know their name either. Fun Factor: 0/10   Dad Factor: 0/10 (Resurrection does not exist to me)

20. Joey Jones (Smith) - Clearly cares about his family. Provides for you. Protective too. Has debilitating PTSD. Lives in self-imposed exile. Would be a great dad if he weren’t so FUCKING SAD and full of self-loathing. Could be #4 or 5 if he got help. Fun Factor: -100/10   Dad Factor: 5/10

BONUS: Frank Martin - Ultimate responsible parent. Has a lot of rules. Tells you to take your feet off his furniture. Will complain about you getting his upholstery dirty. A constant air of exasperation. Uses “I’m going to count to three” as a threat. Will make you get to the airport 3 hours early and sit in the terminal. Will drop you off at school, appointments, and extracurriculars with military precision. Fun Factor: 3/10   Mom Factor:10/10

[dailyaudiobible]

02/26/2020 DAB Transcript

Leviticus 19:1-20:21, Mark 8:11-38, Psalms 42:1-11, Proverbs 10:17

Today is the 26th day of February, welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I’m Brian it's great to be here with you. Coming to you today back on the Mediterranean coast. We began our journey, our pilgrimage to the land of the Bible on the Mediterranean coast quite a way’s south from where we are now, but we’ve made a big circle and we’re back on the coast to the north. And we’ll talk about all of that. We spent yesterday kind of in the Jezreel Valley and before this day’s over we’ll find ourselves finally arriving in Jerusalem, which is a very, very different experience than any of the places that we visited so far. So, we are continuing to move forward in this pilgrimage. Thank you for your continued prayers. Talk a little bit more about what we’re doing at the end but we've come here for one thing in particular and that is to hear the word of God and allow it to become a part of our day and to wash into our hearts and plant good seeds in the soil that's there. So, we’re reading from the Christian Standard Bible this week. Leviticus chapter 19 verse 1 through 20 verse 21 today.

Commentary:

Okay. In the Gospel of Mark today Jesus lays out some criteria about what it might look like if you want to follow after him, if you want to follow the way that He is illuminating and kind of hidden in plain sight in this little dialogue is something that we…we really need to think about and get a discerning heart about. So, first, let’s just kind of look at what Jesus is saying, like a disciple, a follower, like what…what they would look like. He said, “if anyone wants to follow after Me, let him deny himself, take up his cross and follow Me.” Basically, Jesus is saying if you want to follow Me then follow me by doing what I do. And then He goes on to say, “whoever wants to save His life will lose it, but whoever loses His life because of me and the gospel will save it. For what does it benefit someone to gain the whole world and yet lose His life. What can anyone give in exchange for his life?” Okay. So, we could say that those are some characteristics of a disciple of Jesus Christ, someone willing to deny themselves and carry the burden of the gospel when following Jesus forward in the face of the darkness, to be the light in the darkness, knowing that darkness hates the light because the light exposes what's in the dark, knowing that going in and knowing that it will be difficult, a difficult road, that it will be costly, but knowing that this would be living as the apostle Paul said, “as a living sacrifice” that “it's no longer we who live, but Christ who lives within us so that we are as Christ in this world”, right? So, the converse will be true. The person that…that only embellishes themselves and their ego and their identity, they won’t deny themselves, they aren't self-sacrificial in any way whatsoever and will not carry any burden of the gospel or bringing light into the dark, they just try to protect themselves and save themselves and save their lives and save their identities, they’re gonna lose it. But whoever knows on the front end that these things, these entanglements, these attachments, these hang-ups will lead them in no way closer to Jesus. Those who know that are willing to lose that life in order to find actual life. Okay. So, you can be like, “okay. that's a…that's a…that’s a really good way of unpacking that so that it makes sense but I’ve kinda heard this about a thousand times in my life. I kinda get that. Well if you get it, is it what your life looks like? But let's take this way, way deeper. It's often that I hear people tell me or I hear stories of people saying what kind of attack they are under. Like, so I hear it all the time, “my family is under great attack right now” or “we've been in a season. It seems like all the dark forces are coming against us.” This is a…this is a pretty common thing to hear, especially if you’re in ministry, but by what definition are we saying these things. In other words, how is it that we’ve verified that we are under attack from the evil one who has spent special attention on us today or this week or this season and is somehow getting away with it? These things only happen when we’re facing hardship or difficulty or pressure, that the life that we want to live or the life that we’re trying to live is being thwarted and is only because we’re not getting what we think we deserve or want or desire then…then we are being…then we have come under attack. Now, I'm not saying this is not possible. I’m saying, when we find ourselves in a position, we find ourselves at a crossroads. And what we have heard from the Scripture is that at that crossroads wisdom will be there and we need a discerning heart at that crossroads. Here's why. When we face hardship, when we face seasons of challenge and they can be deep challenges, they can be brutal at times, we all know that…like, I’m not saying anything we don't know, life has its difficulties and challenges. This is a promise. This isn’t a surprise. This is something that we’ve been told like in black-and-white, like clear clear, clear, from the Bible. So, if we have our wits about us and we’re going into a season and we’re feeling a season like, “man the unexpected is happening and it just feels like the bottom is dropping out.” I just had a season like that last summer. I sat down on my couch one day and I said, “Jill, have you noticed that nothing…nothing is going smooth. Like everything is hard right now. Like nothing is going smooth.” I’m sure that's been…I'm sure you've experienced this at times. And, so, if we have our wits about us and we understand the words of Jesus then we understand, “okay. What I'm facing here is an opportunity to deny myself and take up my cross and endure and keep walking forward, because whatever life I think I'm losing in this is life I'm going to find, it's false. I'm going to find what's true. The truth…the truth is that…that that would be the appropriate posture, but often these things, they will work as an attack. They work because we let them work. We let it estrange us from God because somehow, He didn't come through. But what if He was saying, “yeah, I am coming through for you. You have no idea what I'm freeing you of through this fire. You’re gonna come out on the other side pure as gold”, right? Well, if we think God is letting us down and this whole attack thing has taking us out, then the opportunity for wisdom and growth was there but we fell for the bait and we’re estranged from God. But can we also acknowledge that the…the flipside of that coin can also be true. What if all hardship, all challenge, all difficulty that is currently in your life were removed and massive amounts of financial blessing came into your life suddenly? And your cares, because now you have…you have your feet under you and you have some power and now your cares are floating away, would you ever say to a friend, “I am really under attack from the evil one right now?” Probably not right. We would say, “no. The evidence of God's blessing’s pouring down from the sky are all around me.” And yet, wouldn't that be an equal crossroads, where we would look for wisdom and discernment? For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul? So, if we think about the times that we have faced challenge in our lives…I mean aren't those the times usually that we go running for God and the times where we feel like we’re in control that we drift away from God? So, what is a greater deception? What is a greater seduction? Perhaps when we find ourselves at a crossroads, either one that is challenging or one that is looking like the wind will be at our back for a while and we’ll be coasting, these are crossroads. We need discernment. When the evil one tempted Jesus, when he said, “you can have all of this. I’ll give all of this to you. You can have it all if you bow down and worship me”, right? That was the tactic, not worship me or I will have you killed. We need discernment about the challenges we face in life and we need discernment about the seasons where the challenge goes away because we can be seduced away from God either way, it's not one or the other. We need wisdom and discernment. What Jesus told us is to deny ourselves and take up our cross and follow Him. Let's allow that to be something that we meditate on today. What does that look like for us?

Prayer:

Holy Spirit we invite You into this. There's…there's plenty to think about here because it's true, we base our judgment or blessing or cursing or good or evil, kind of based on the…on how our culture informs us. And, so if it's pleasurable then it's good and if it's…if it's challenging and it’s something to be endured, then it's bad, which is simply not the case and simply not supported in the Scriptures. So, give us wisdom so that we might understand, at every crossroads the narrow path that leads to life and that we would stop blaming You for things You had nothing to do with or giving credit to the forces of evil for things You have done in our lives to free us. Come Holy Spirit we pray into all of this in the name of Jesus, we ask. Amen.

Announcements:

Okay. So, here in the land of the Bible where we are continuing our journey, a journey inward, a journey outward, a journey in the land, all kinds of journeying is happening within us as we move about.

We left the Galilee yesterday and we made one more stop on the way out, Cursee on the northeast side of the lake, land of the Gerasene’s. There’s a story of Jesus throwing a legion of demons into a herd of swine. And, so, there is an ancient Byzantine monastery, the oldest one in Israel as I understand it there to commemorate the spot. And we just took some time there to reflect on that story. And the reality that when the people on that side of the lake saw this man who had been possessed and untamed, basically, in his right mind and swine floating in the Dead Sea, like it was deeply confusing. And obviously something significant had happened but they asked Jesus to leave. And we just kind of thought about the ways that we…we follow in those footsteps.

And, so, when we left there, we drove along the east side of the lake southward and then away from the Sea of Galilee, south to an ancient Roman Decapolis city called Beit Shean. Amazing, amazing ruins from the Roman Empire and earlier and later. And we went into the amphitheater and took some seats to kind of look out over the city and we opened the Scriptures and spoke about the death of Saul because this city, Beit Shean is named in that story. So, King Saul the first King we haven't gotten to this as we’re going through the Scriptures this year, but we will. He went to battle with the Philistines and ended up being killed. He and his three sons were killed on Mount Gilboa. And when…when the…the next day after the battle and everybody's coming…coming to kind of take the loot off the bodies and stuff they found Saul and they cut off his head and sent his armor away and celebrated their great victory delivered to them by their gods and the took Paul…or Saul's body and hung it from the walls Beit Shean. And, so, some of those ancient walls exist. And, so, we just rooted ourselves there before exploring. It’s probably one of the greatest Roman era ruins in Israel.

And then we started working our way across the Jezreel Valley passing by Megiddo…Har…Megiddo…Mount Megiddo…Har Megiddo…Armageddon. And then we drove by there and then up to lunch. And then up onto the top of Mount caramel we’re you can really see a wide panorama of the Jezreel Valley and we just opened the Scriptures, again considering the story of Elijah and the prophets of Baal and the show down and the fire on the mountain and the execution of Jezebel's prophets and then Jezebel's threat that sent Elijah on the run back into the wilderness only for God to come to him and ask, “what are you doing here back in the wilderness?” And this is really poignant when your kind of making this journey because we’ve been in the wilderness. We know what the wilderness is like, not only in our lives. We spent plenty of time reflecting on that but what it's actually like to go through it because we just did it several days ago. So, just kind of considering that and applying it to our lives and understanding that Elijah was invited to come meet with God but it wasn't in the wind on the mountain, it wasn't in the fire, it just…it wasn't in the grand display of power on the mountain. It was in the still small voice. And, so, we kinda put that in our hearts to consider as we moved down off the mountain and back to the Mediterranean coast.

And the coastal city, Roman era city of Caesarea Maritima and it's pretty spectacular right on the coast. More than pretty, it's…it's very spectacular just to see it, understanding the apostle Paul was arrested and carried Caesarea Maritima away from Jerusalem and held there for a couple of years and eventually making an appeal to the Emperor. As a Roman citizen he had that right. And, so, from Caesarea he sailed to Rome. So, we had a touch a bit of that story before then moving to our hotel for the evening. And a long day and ready for a good night's sleep.

And today we will…we will be off from here and heading into the interior a little bit while making our way down toward Jerusalem and we’ll talk about that tomorrow.

Thank you for your continued prayers, especially over stamina and fatigue. It's just kinda starts to set in and there's a lot going on every day. And, so, we just need the energy to finish well and have open hearts to all that God has yet in store for us as we continue the journey.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible you can do that at dailyaudiobible.com. There's a link on the homepage. Thank you humbly with all my heart for your partnership. If you’re using the Daily Audio Bible app can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or, if you prefer, the mailing address is PO Box 1996, Spring Hill Tennessee 37174.

As always, if you have a prayer request or encouragement, you can hit the Hotline button in the app, the little red button at the top or you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that's it for today. I'm Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hello Daily Audio Bible this is Steve. I’m calling to request prayer for my son Santiago. Where currently at the hospital. He went through surgery yesterday because he fell on his bike and started puking blood but we found a perforation. The doctor closed the hole and now we just need prayer for recovery. We estimate for two weeks but, you know, we pray for God to, you know, shorten the recovery time. So, DAB family this is Steve from Texas. Please pray for my son Santiago. Thank you. God bless you.

Harold from St. Louis. Oh, welcome brother welcome. This is Heather in Atlanta, February 17th still wet, soggy, soggy, just dreary day. You brought so much sunshine, so much sunshine. I am so glad. I’m on the side of the road just bawling my eyes out. Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome. I want you to know that the day that I heard your call back in January was the day that I stopped living in fear and for the first time in five years, I asked for help, I begged for help through this family, the DAB family. You were the one who I don’t know why I just something about your story made me…if this man and not even knowing Christ can pick up this phone and just communicate with someone Heather what is stopping you. And Harold thank you so much and welcome so much just welcome. There are great things in store for you. I wish I could come watch you run. Oh, Harold welcome son. Welcome. I just want to tell you I love you and thank you for everything and how wonderful it is to hear you encouraging people to call in and I look forward to the day that I get to see your face one day Harold. Welcome, welcome love. Everybody else, I continue to cover us all in prayer and I just want to say I love you. Brian and the entire Hardin family I continue to cover you in prayer throughout our journey through the holy land. I love each and every one of you. Oh Harold, oh thank you sir. Thank you. I’m gonna jump back on I 75 back north y’all. I love you everyone have a wonderful …

Hi this is Rachel from Pennsylvania let’s pray. Dear Lord, I want to lift up to You those who are struggling with sickness, those who have contracted the coronavirus and the flu virus. I just want to pray that You be with them and with their families. I pray that the viruses are contained and don’t spread to other caregivers and other family members. I just pray that You will, for those who are infected, that You will protect them and give them strength and energy, keep their fevers down. And we just pray that they do not end up needing to be hospitalized and if they are hospitalized that You’re there with them in their…in their hospital rooms watching over them. I just pray that…that…that they have quick recovery and that…that those family members that are there and exposed or the caregivers that You just protect them and that they don’t contract the virus. And we also want to lift up, I think it was El, I couldn’t understand exactly the...the full name but of child called into pray for himself and his family who contracted a cold or a virus and also his grandmother who had an injured leg. So, I want to pray for that child and his family. And I just want to lift them up to You Lord. Please heal them quickly and swiftly and completely in Your name I pray. Amen.

Hi Daily Audio Bible family this is Dorothy. I posted on the Prayer Wall a couple times and I just wanted to give a praise report. Thank you so, so, so much for praying for me. God heard your prayers. I’m healed I mean of that medical…I see it as a general medical issue, it was possible immunodeficiency disorder that was I a genetic thing and I was supposed to get the diagnosis today to start immunoglobulin treatment monthly, which is very, very expensive, which most people cannot afford. And I’ve been crying every day and just…but anyway long story short the doctor told me today that I can make antibodies and that my immune system is like everybody else’s. And he really didn’t have an answer. And pretty much told me last month that adults don’t heal. So, I’m healed. I asked him, “can I go around licking doorknobs now” and he’s like, “ahh no. Let’s wait six…” So, they’re going to pull the antibiotics and monitor me for six months to check if I get sick but according to the blood test I’m healed. I’m a normal person and not to say…there’s a lot of things wrong with me but thank you. And I just wanted to encourage you that prayer works. And thank you so much for those that did. I love you guys. I was suicidal when dealing with this and your guy’s love for each other is…made…gave me the community I needed and kept me going. So, thank you. I love you guys so much. Bye.

Hi there, DABbers this is Vonnie in Northern California calling on let’s see Wednesday, February 19th and I just heard Harold call in. I am jumping for joy Harold and you can’t imagine how the angels in heaven are dancing and singing over you and welcome to the family brother. We’ve all been praying for you and we’ve been inspired by your calls. And thank you so much for calling in and letting us know. We will just keep on praying for you and for others who are listening to the program and, like you said, are afraid to call in. Oh Lord, please bless Harold and take care of the others who are in such need right now Lord, all the ones that you’ve laid upon our hearts to pray for. Thank you, God for intercessory prayer for the ability to bring our needs before you. We love you God and we are so grateful for the family of God. All right have a blessed day everybody.

I was just listening to Harold the marathon runner come in and call in and tell about hearing so many people praying for him. I haven’t called in about it, but I have been praying for you ever since I heard that. And I just knew that you were going to be saved and I’m praising the Lord for your salvation. Thank you, Jesus. I love you Harold.

Hey is Kim in Las Vegas. Harold I just heard your prayer request that you accepted Christ and I’m in tears. It’s good to have you and the family. You know, it was…it’s good news to hear this morning. I needed to hear it. And God I just thank You for bringing our brother into Your fold Lord, that he’s part of our family Lord. We were pulling him in and drawing him in and You were drawing him further Lord to You and into this family. And I pray that he would lean on You Lord and he would know that he has thousands and thousands of family members around the world praying for him always Lord and I just thank You for this victory. It’s in Your son’s name I…

[loplainlointhemorning]

DOING THE HARD WORK OF MAKING EVERYONE IN DORIAN GRAY LOOK LIKE A DICK EXCEPTING, WITH LIMITS, DORIAN GRAY

okay so I’ve read The Picture Of Dorian Gray three times and I plan to again after I finish a few more novels, so I consider myself knowledgeable enough both about the book AND about the fandom surrounding it to make this post. This has been kicking around in my head for YEARS, especially after getting into Velvet Goldmine and noting how that fandom treats Brian Slade, who’s basically a modern interpretation of the same character. I know a lot of people are jonesing for me to rag on Basil Hallward and I plan to, so fair warning to those of you who i know are obsessed with him.

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To start, a lot of people see Lord Henry as the only discernible “Villain” in the book(though the book really has no villain) and Basil as the put upon good guy. This description is somewhat fair. Lord Henry contributes a lot of Dorian’s toxic ideas and enables a LOT of his most self centered behavior, not to mention he gives him the book that inspires his worst deeds. He’s the person who makes it clear to him that youth, self gratification, and most importantly, beauty are all that matter in life. Basil, on the other hand, does his best to “counter” these ideas, though I personally would say his idea of countering amounts to nothing but passive aggressive, low energy disdain. Dorian is too wrapped up in Lord Henry to listen to reason, and eventually murders Basil in cold blood, allowing him to achieve a sort of tragic book character aura that makes him sympathetic.

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To put it simply, the general attitude towards these character dynamics is that Lord Henry is the Bad, Basil is the Good, and Dorian could’ve been good if Lord Henry would’ve let him be. I find this interpretation very surface level despite the relatability of Basil Hallward’s homosexual yearning and romantic struggles.

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But before we dissect Basil, let’s dissect his counterpart. Lord Henry, to start, is immediatley established as a vain and flippant dandy(which is true) because of his belief that beauty is the most valuable trait a person can possess. This is the first lesson that he gives Dorian: that his beauty is his power, that his youth is fleeting, and that life will be worthless once he’s lost the ability to appeal physically to others. However, while he is the first to say it frankly enough for Dorian to consciously understand it, he is NOT the first to communicate that to him. He is just one in a long line of many, as is Basil himself.

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Funnily enough, I would argue that of all the adult figures in Dorian’s life, Lord Henry is the MOST supportive of Dorian’s actual person, and I think it’s entirely natural that he became as attached to him as he did and may have less to do with Henry’s good looks and manipulation than we think. Nobody in his immediate circle of friends or family allows him to explore himself or form an opinion about the world that differs from their own- Except for Henry. It’s merely Dorian’s misfortune that the first person he meets who allows him to be a human being is a conceited asshole, but it follows the theme of Dorian’s life, which is that he is the avatar for older and more cowardly men. And in Lord Henry’s eyes, Dorian’s poetential is limitless. He’s happy to give him ideas and let him run wild, but can’t accept the responsibility of teaching him kindness or compassion or self-preservation, because that would make the spectacle less interesting. Lord Henry is using a 19-to-20 year old to live out his fantasy of what he wishes he could do- But he’s not really different from Basil in that respect.

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And now it is time.

Basil Hallward reminds me a lot of myself, so I feel like I understand his motivations. He’s a shy, earnest, secretive artist who doesn’t care much for anything besides doing his work and yearning while looking out over his garden. He’s upset by people like Lord Henry, who are the embodiment of the poet who lives what he cannot write, because he is the opposite: He creates, and therefore doesn’t have to live out, his fantasy worlds. Basil is repressed and mild mannered while Henry, to his intense jealousy, is more attractive, vivacious, and conversationally interesting- Which is most likely why he didn’t want to share him with Dorian, instead of the reason he gave, which was that Dorian’s pure personality would be tarnished. It’s quite obvious Basil has a crush. But I don’t believe he ever loved, or even truly cared for, Dorian himself.

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Allow me to explain: I have a whole blog of random pictures, mainly of other people, that I keep because I find those pictures striking in some sense. I don’t have an aesthetic theme, really: It’s just people who make me feel, or think, or see something a certain way. I have a pregnant wax figurine in there and old pictures of Marilyn Monroe- And I find both creatively interesting because of how they appear to me. What I’m getting at is I think Dorian Gray is to Basil what an art blog is to the average tumblr user. As David Bowie once said, there’s a difference between being in love and going on to love someone; And there is a difference between being fascinated with your muse and actually caring about the person beyond the projection.

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I think it’s extremely telling that before painting his portrait, Basil had an entire notebook dedicated to portraying Dorian as various mythical figures and heroes. I think it’s even more telling that when Basil DOES paint his portrait, he’s ashamed of it because it is a portrait of HIS soul, an admittance of his worship and idolatry. Dorian REPRESENTS something to Basil, and it’s fun to speculate on what: I believe he is the poster boy for all of Basil’s sexual and romantic fantasies, which he obviously finds shameful, woven together with the romantic escapism found in mythology. But it’s obvious from the start that Dorian is Not the virtuous young man that he wants him to be, and that those virtues are simply what Hallward believes Dorian should be like, as opposed to what he actually is.

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This is depressing, but what’s worse is that Dorian is aware of it, which is what actually inspired me to write this post. When he realizes his youth is fleeting, he accuses Basil of the truth, in a heartbreaking scene featuring this quote,

“Dorian Gray turned and looked at him. ‘I believe you would, Basil. You like your art better than your friends. I am no more to you than a green bronze figure. Hardly as much, I dare say.’ The painter stared in amazement. ‘Yes,’ He continued, I am less to you than your ivory Hermès or your silver Faun. You will like them always. How long will you like me? Till I have my first wrinkle, I suppose. I know, now, that when someone loses one’s good looks, whatever they may be, one loses everything. Your picture has taught me that. Lord Henry Wotton is perfectly right. Youth is the only thing worth having. When I find that I am growing old, I shall kill myself.’

Hallward turned pale, and caught his hand. ‘Dorian! Dorian!’ he cried, ‘don’t talk like that. I never had such a friend as you, and I shall never have such another. You are not jealous of material things, are you- you who are finer than all of them!”

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Lord Henry and Basil are nowhere near on the same moral level, but what’s tragic is that they, and everyone else, treat Dorian the same way- As their vicarious vessel. It’s just that Basil’s idea of what Dorian should be is A) Literal sainthood(as evidenced by the above quote), and B) Impossible to live up to, so therefore he seems to be the nicer guy. But it’s cruel to value anyone for what you can get from them, even if that thing is great art.

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In my opinion, the adult figures in Dorian’s life couldn’t give less of a shit about his true nature. His grandfather hated him and wanted nothing to do with him. Lord Henry is interested in seeing how far Dorian would go to do the things he can’t do because of his own cowardice. Basil expects him to be a storybook character, as do most people who came into contact with him. He was right to believe that his looks were the only thing anybody wanted from him because it’s the truth.

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To close, my personal interpretation of Dorian Gray is this: Dorian Gray was a neglected, naive child who became the fancy of two older men, both of whom were only concerned with using him as a fantasy and therefore both corrupted him for their own personal gain. This in no way excuses his actions, but I think it better explains them- And I think it condemns the people who ought to be condemned. Lord Henry was the person who played on his lack of self-worth to manipulate him, but Basil was the person who exacerbated that lack of self-worth in the first place. Basil wasn’t a good mentor(and DID NOT deserve to be his boyfriend). Henry wasn’t a good mentor. There was no good mentor- There was only Dorian, and the simple fact that people weren’t going to love him if he stopped being pretty. The person he became afterwards was someone of his own making- But the initially shy, praise-hungry, warped young boy who felt the need to become that person was both Basil and Henry’s creation.

[anerdquemoraaolado]

Through Chrissie’s eyes

Forces of Nature

I kept studying, trying harder to keep my grades good, and also grating a lot on every new work that appeared. I was already used to this rhythm and the demands of college, but things got more difficult and more demanding in the last year, I think it was because now it was near to finish and to be free of all that madness.

Even though I had my own busy routine, I was part of Brian's routine and he was part of mine. He was still unfolding with Astrophysics, the band, and the teaching job. Maybe I should add something else to this list: Freddie.

Freddie was so determined and tough-headed that he would give Brian a hard time on a new level, which didn't compare to the same hard time the band itself did.

When the boys finished rehearsals, they usually went to my house or I went to Roger's apartment to meet them there. After two weeks rehearsing with Freddie, the usual meeting of our gang was cast aside.

There was one particular night when I barely recognized my boyfriend. Brian opened the door at once, and let it hit hard, it was unintentionally, but his anger eventually provoked it. He strode down the corridor, muttering something, he tucked the Red Special in the bedroom, then came back into the living room, screaming through his teeth. I thought he hadn't noticed me, sitting on the couch. He stood for a moment, took a few steps forward and some behind. Finally he put his hands on his waist and sighed, exaggeratedly and deeply. Yeah, Bri was keeping a lot of anger inside him.

"Oh ..." He winked at me, as if he didn't know how he had stopped there.

For a moment he was my old Brian again.

"Hi?" I tried, still confused by his behavior "Bri, are you all right?"

"Sorry about that, I scared you, didn't I?" he sat next to me, tired and frustrated "the rehearsal wasn't that good ... I didn't want to bother you with my problems."

"No Bri, it's no trouble at all" I felt sorry for him and kissed his cheek "you're my boyfriend, which makes your problems a bit mine, too. So tell me, please, otherwise you're going to explode."

"Yes, I will," he closed his eyes and gave another long sigh. "Freddie ... Freddie is ...

"Demanding?" I suggested.

"Unbearable!" he screamed and I jumped out of my seat involuntarily "sorry, I scared you, but that's it, you know, he changes the lyrics of my songs, and he doesn't like the way we play his songs, and worst of all, he fought with the two bass players who rehearsed with us. This way we will never get a bass player and the band isn't complete without one. Man, I thought he wanted to be part of a band, but it seems that he doesn't collaborate because it seems that he does everything for us not to get along or play any musicright ..."

I gulped, perplexed. I didn't know how to respond to any of this. Freddie had seemed to me to be arrogant and full of self-confidence, but inside he had a needy heart, he didn't look so much like what Brian had said right now.

"You ..." I tried, "did you talk to him about it? What does Roger think?"

"He thinks the same as me, and he even discussed it with Freddie, so I didn't say anything," Bri explained.

"Well, you still have a little patience," I smiled a little gravely. "Maybe if you tried to understand Freddie's side a bit, I don't know, maybe he has something nice behind all the arrogance ... at least I noticed that he's not totally like that;"

"I'm trying, Chrissie," Brian seemed calmer now, "really, but more for the band, maybe a little because he's a good singer ..."

"It's a start, my love," I hugged him, he really needed it, because he held me tight and laid his head on my shoulder. I stroked his hair, the way I said it would be all right.

The phone then rang, separating us from each other for a brief moment.

"Do you want me to pick it up?" I asked and he nodded. "Hello?"

"Hello, I wanted to speak to Brian May, please, is he there?" I heard a young man talking on the other end of the line.

"He is, but I don't know if he can answer," I said, "wait just a moment."

"Okay," the voice on the phone answered.

"It's for you," I explained to Bri, "do you want me to answer it?"

"No, no," my boyfriend decided, "you can let me pick it up."

Brian got up and took the phone from my hands.

"Hi, it's Brian, how can I help you?" he said, and as he was talking, his expression improved "do you know where The Kensington is? Meet me there in an hour and we'll talk more, okay? All right, bye, bye, see you later."

He hung up and I was curious.

"What is it?" I asked anxiously.

"It was a bass player who saw my ad for a test." Brian smiled brighter. "I'll tell Roger to meet him."

"I wish you'd be lucky with this" I said.

"God, I hope so, my love." He kissed me goodbye. "I'll go and I'll be right back, bye!"

"Bye!" I said and I saw him come out excited.

At least his anger at Freddie had passed and now Brian had returned to his usual calm.

When Bri returned from the meeting with the bassist, he came home with Roger, but no Freddie with them.

"Did Smith get another member or not?" I questioned the boys.

"That depends on Freddie." Roger rolled his eyes.

"And us seeing John play," Brian added, "but he has experience."

"So his name is John?" I finally knew.

"John Deacon," Roger finished, "but maybe Deacon John is better."

"And what did you think of John?" I continued "less temperamental than Freddie?"

"Ah, that's for sure," the drummer emphasized.

"He seems to be a nice guy," Brian gave his impression. "At least that's what I found, wasn't it, Rog?"

"I thought so too," our friend agreed.

They found John right when they were almost losing their temper with Freddie, renewed Roger and Brian's spirits.

Freddie learned that they talked to John and the three agreed to a test with the bassist. Late in the afternoon on test day, I received a visit from home.

"Hi, what can I do for you?" I answered after knocking on the door.

I came upon a rather insecure, timid young man, dressed in a very tight and conservative manner, as if for an important job interview, expect for the long hair and the stringed instrument inside the case attached to his back. I realized that I had seen him somewhere.

"Hi, I'm looking for Brian May's apartment, he said it was here, and you must be Chrissie," he said. "I'm John Deacon."

"Of course, John, the bass player!" I said shaking his hand "Nice to to meet him. Come in, please."

John followed me into the apartment.

"Brian hasn't arrived yet, he's still at school, but soon he'll come" I explained the absence of my boyfriend.

"He told me he'd be a little late," John said, "I'll wait for him in the meantime."

"Make yourself comfortable, John," I offered, and we were silent for a moment.

We were two shy people, and when two shy people met, usually one of them could start a conversation that the two people would identify and would not stop talking so soon.

"Mind if I ..." I began, "I've seen you somewhere before, and it wasn't in another band, because I only see the Smile shows, so maybe you saw me in this place that I saw you and remember me, perhaps?!

"Ah, now that you said, I've seen you at Maria Assumpta University" John reminded me, "my girlfriend is studying there too."

"Ah now it makes sense!" I remembered "Veronica, one of the freshmen, isn't she? I only know her from afar."

"That's her," the bassist nodded.

Brian then arrived before we continued our conversation.

"Oh, hi Chrissie, I saw you've met John," he said as he walked in, put away his things, and picked up the Red Special. "See you later, my love.”

"Bye and good luck on the test, John" I said goodbye to the boys.

"Thank you," returned the bassist.

I really hoped those four could get along and sort things out and everything could be right. Freddie could be like a hurricane, but John was more like a breeze. As a Smile fan, I couldn't wait to see them playing again, as a band and as friends.