#just that....initially what comes to mind to describe it is it is Nostalgic To Me. talk about ''feeling's not the right word; i went cuz i

[unproduciblesmackdown]

this line / the intro in the social worker (the black suits '12)

[zestysthoughts]

Tep Tons: Albums

10. The Break of Dawn (Blue In Green) Smooth all the way through, this is full of music to just kinda vibe to, similarly to what you'd find hosted by Lofi Girl. Along with much of Gramatik's early work, it's the album that helped fuel my initial interest in the hip-hop style, especially with jazz elements. Here's a taste!

9. This Time (Los Lobos) I don't often listen to rock, but it's actually what I grew up with. At the center was AC/DC, Smash Mouth, and Linkin Park. In the periphery and having at most a single album I'd listen to, were Crossfade, 3 Doors Down, Finger Eleven, and Los Lobos. This Time sticks out as being not emo edgy and full of cringe-worthy self-pity. It's got energy, variety, and good vibes all around. Here's a taste!

8. Small Plates (J3PO) Short and sweet, this is one of those sketch albums, filled with some of the many snippets thought up and created by the artist. I love the existence of albums like this, as some of the real banger ideas that never get a full produced song can see the light of day while the artist is still alive, Small Plates (and Sweet Treats) having some of my favorites by J3PO. Here's a taste!

7. Fantastic (Slum Village) I couldn't pick one of the volumes, so I'm going with all of them lol. I love the wonky Dilla-time, as anyone who's seen my music recommendations would know. I love the unfinished feel of Vol. 1 with a bunch of really bumpin' beats that unfortunately never made it past this point, and I love that they revisited and polished a bunch of them and for Vol. 2, then there's the further edited version of 2, complete with hilarious and heartfelt testimonials at the end of some of the tracks. Here's a Taste!

6. Funk Blaster EP (KOAN Sound) While there's no one album that incapsulates my dubstep phase, this one was definitely the most prominent. It's funky, wubby, and well-composed. I'll admit I am "that guy" when it comes to KOAN Sound, I liked them better during their early experimental days, until Polychrome when they made a habit of putting 2 different songs in 1 track. Honorable mention to Risky Endeavors Here's a taste!

6.5. Planet Neutral (Getter)

5. Things Fall Apart (The Roots) One of the newest additions, The Roots has become one of my favorite bands ever. Through and through, this is but one of the masterpieces created in the Soulquarians sessions at Electric Lady Studio, filled with banger after banger. Honorable mention to the Deluxe Edition, featuring some of my favorite Roots songs ever. Here's a taste!

4. Astro Lounge (Smash Mouth) Yes I know, it's the one with All Star. Like I said, Smash Mouth was one of my favorite bands growing up, and Astro Lounge just has a special place in my heart. The title I think sums it up best, feels like you're in a cozy futuristic lounge, or at least the idea of futuristic people had in the late 90's. Here's a taste!

3. Random Album Title (Deadmau5) Another one I'm nostalgic for, this is the ultimate vibe album for me. The somewhat droning and repetitive nature of it, plus the seamless mix between songs, gives it a video game soundtrack quality in that it's great for just putting on in the background while you're doing stuff. Unfortunately Spotify is being weird and there's like 3 slightly different versions of it with the same name. Here's a taste!

2. Plastic Beach (Gorillaz) Aright it's another nostalgic one, this I think is the first physical CD I ever bought. I love the metaphorically nautical/maritime theme, and as per usual with the Gorillaz, there's a great variety in musical styles. Plus there's a kickass music video for Stylo. Here's a taste!

1. Djesse (Jacob Collier) I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, Jacob Collier is the greatest musical mind of our time. This album has such a profound effect on me I can't fully describe. Whenever I sit to listen to any part of it, it feels like a hug that gives you the warm shivers, it tickles my ears, and almost always I well up. Djesse is the work of a man who thoroughly explores the depths of music and sound, travels the world to learn, combines it all in unique ways, and all the while exuding this infectious energy and curiosity. Here's a taste!

[jessicajagg]

Why I love Sonic Adventure

Picking favorite video games has always been a challenge for me. There are so many games that I like that narrowing it down has always proved difficult. However, there are a select few that always spring to my mind without fail whenever the subject comes up. And one of those games is Sonic Adventure.

I didn't always love it, as a kid my first 3D Sonic was Sonic Adventure 2 Battle on gamecube. I held it's Sonic speed stages in very high regard which only grew when I got older and became nostalgic for it. So much that I initially dismissed Sonic Adventure upon playing the PS3 port, simply because it was not SA2. But I eventually grew out of that bias and upon revisiting SA1 with a more open mind, I found a game that I would grow to love more than any other in the series.

What immediately springs to my mind when I think of Sonic Adventure are the zones. Alot of Sonic games will usually have "that" level I'll dread revisiting but in Adventure there's not a dud in the bunch. I love the sky road in Windy Valley, the snowboarding in Ice Cap, the Nights pinball machine in Casinopolis and ofcourse the iconic run down the side of a building in Speed Highway.

Emerald Coast in particular has a special place in my heart. It's bright blue skies, white sand, it's hard to describe but I can't help but smile whenever I think about it. It genuinely puts me at ease somehow and I think about it alot when I'm feeling stressed or overwhelmed.

Something I didn't find appreciation for until recently were the hub worlds connecting these zones. I used to think they were a bit of a nuisance, especially unlocking the next zone can sometimes be cryptic. It was only after a recent playthrough where I decided to slow down and take everything in that I found them to be really chill spaces to just hang out in.

Alot of the NPCs have their own little stories that progress as you make your way through the game. They're small but really cute and amusing. I got way more invested in them that I thought I would and honestly I think you're not getting the full SA experience if you don't talk to everyone.

Among the Sonic games that shuffle between multiple characters and play styles I think Adventure 1 did the best at structuring it all. Each character has their own campaign so if you only feel like playing speed stages you can just do Sonic's story and be done with it.

Tails is handled best here than in any other 3D game, I love the idea of having you play levels again with an OP character that just breaks them.

The three playstyles that differ the most from the core Sonic gameplay, Knuckles, Amy and Big are the shortest campaigns. Which keeps them from getting too monotonous, especially when it comes to Big's unfortunately clunky fishing controls.

Ofcourse every moment and stage in this game is punctuated with one of the most memorable soundtracks in the entire franchise. I'm not much of a music gal, so all I can say is that the music fucking rules.

I know as a game there's alot wrong with Sonic Adventure. The presentation, the voice acting, the odd physics, re-using content but none of it really bugs me. If I fall down the floor, I just shrug in an "oh you" kind of way and continue on. It's one of those games where I'll plow through the entire thing in one sitting on a whim.

In the end all I can say is, I love Sonic Adventure.

[taeyamayang]

FALLING FOR YOUR BROTHER'S FRIEND

bokuto, suna, sakusa

↬ CHARACTER: Bokuto Koutarou x fem!reader

↬ GENRE: fluff! | romance | love at first sight | high school

↬ wc: 2k~ including bonus snippet

a/n: a random idea,, i remember my older brother bringing home his two friends from hs and both were shockingly good looking. one was the smart quiet type and the other is popular among the girls. it had me thinking "are you really friends with my bro??" kidding but those were the days man~ this random idea made me feel nostalgic lol anyways! i was thinking of making this into a series so let me know if you have a specific hq character in mind that you want me to write for. thanks ☆

part two

Bokuto Koutarou

you are well aware of your brother's friend, the captain of volleyball team

but you have never met him

you are only familiar of how he is mainly through your brother's stories over the dinner table

he frequently hangs out in your house but you never have seen him because whenever he stays over you are either:

out late at night because of club activities

or you never come out of your room when he's at your place

but today could finally be the day you meet him

"just do it."

Your eyebrows furrow at the text message sent by your sibling. Now that summer has started, your brother has his hands full with responsibilities as the student council president of Fukurodani. Generally, you are happy about his absence because it guarantees you peace within the household. You have every space and corner of the house to yourself, and you can live your daily life without him pestering you. But ironically, right now, you wish for him to be here with you. Your phone dings as another message from him pop.

"actually, you don't have a choice. We made a deal. A favor for a favor."

If only you didn't ask your brother to get you the weekly comic from the convenience store the other day, then you wouldn't be worrying right now. you pace back and forth in your room, contemplating whether to pretend you didn't see his texts and toss your phone beneath the mattress of your bed or just simply get over it. As an indecisive overthinker, you're lost with what to do. Your phone vibrates again.

"stop leaving me on seen."

You scowl at the screen of your phone.

"it's not a big deal. Besides, my friend badly needs it. Just get whatever shirt I have in my drawer, toss it in a bag, then give it to him. you know, if only you had the initiative to leave your room and meet him whenever he comes by at our place, then you wouldn't be as anxious as you are right now."

The wrinkles on your face deepen as you read the text message in your head with your brother's scolding voice. Your brother knows you well. He knows that you are the polar opposite of him. He's the typical first-born son that every parent holds pride in. He's good at socializing, he gets commendable grades, and on top of that, he's leader material. On the other hand, you are satisfied living your life on a low profile.

"please?"

in sibling rivalry, saying please is equivalent to submitting to your sibling. so, him saying please to you now makes you think of his urgency. perhaps, his friend really needs it. with a sigh escaping from your lips, you type in your message.

"fine. What is his name again?"

As you hit send, not a minute passes, your brother replies.

"Bokuto Koutarou. Captain and ace of the volleyball team in Fukurodani."

Seeing your brother describe him as the captain and ace leaves you an impression of him.

"what does he look like?"

"he stands out. you'll know when you see him."

your lips curl at the vague description your brother sent.

"whatever."

You reply before throwing your phone on your bed, watching it bounce before finally pushing yourself up. You grabbed an empty string bag from your closet, then you went straight to your brother's room. you pull whatever shirt he has in his drawer, folding it neatly and shoving it inside the bag. Once you are done, you head out and lock the house's front door behind you before pulling your bicycle out of the garage.

This year, the school where Fukurodani and other visiting schools are handling their summer volleyball training camp is a few miles away from your home. so, riding the bike would be more convenient than taking a bus and paying for the fare. Besides, you would instead let your vision be fed with the city lights and nature than sit in a crowded vehicle.

soon, you reach Shinzen High. you swiftly parked your bicycle in front of the gym, where the security guard directed you at. from outside the premise, you can already hear the squeaking sound of rubber shoes scraping across the waxed floor. subsequently, the sound of balls hitting the ground and colliding with the player's hands resonate from where you are standing. as you near the gym entrance, the echoes from the voices of the players get louder, each calling out for a toss or cheering for a player in their team.

you shake the bag off your shoulder and tightly wrap your arm around it, securing it in front of your chest. you step inside the gym, and the first thing you see is an orange-headed boy in the air, his arm drawn back as he anticipates hitting the ball with the expanse of his palm. A loud thud reverberates within the gym, followed by the cheers of his team.

"nice spike, Hinata." a boy with short brown hair and wide shoulders taps the orange-headed's scapula.

"Thanks, captain!" the other boy responds. hinata's mention of captain reminds you of your purpose. you grip tighter on your string bag, and watch the captain with short hair interacts with his teammates.

he's amiable and down to earth but the way he carries himself is enough to know that he is, in fact, the captain of the team. he reminds you of your brother. he's simple. Still, when he speaks or stands among his comrades, he holds the perfect image of a leader. usually friends belonging to the same group emit the same vibes.

so, maybe, he's your brother's friend?

you look around and immediately spot a girl with a small face and midnight blue hair. she holds a clipboard between her hands as he watches hinata's team play.

"excuse me." your voice is low, but somehow, she manages to hear you.

"hm?" she purses her lips as she glances at you.

"can you give this to the team captain?" you point to the string bag you're holding.

"Sawamura Daichi? sure."

"eh? " was the only sound you managed to utter when you heard a different name from her. she was about to take your bag but when you flashed her a confused look, she drew her hand back and over to her mouth, the tip of her delicate fingers touching her rosy lips.

"who are you looking for?" she asks. her doll face mirroring your puzzled expression.

"Bokuto Koutarou. The captain and ace of Fukurodani." right after you said his name, a loud voice thunders inside the gym. both you and the manager turn your gazes at the source.

"AKAAAAASSSHIII!!!" a boy with silver hair and black streaks calls for the setter. he has his hand in the air asking akaashi to throw him the ball. his voice commanded attention, and quite naturally everyone was instantly drawn to him. you can't tear your eyes away from him as he welcomes the ball with a powerful strike. hence, breaking a three-wall block from the other team. despite the loud scream of the boy, the manager you are talking to giggles.

"that is Fukurodani and this team is Karasuno." her finger points at the team playing at the farthest side of the court before pointing back at the team playing near your side.

"i'll assist you there." she smiles at you, her eyes disappearing. A sudden relief washes over you as she leads you to the other side of the gym. now that you have a better view of the whole area, you noticed how packed the gym is. There are four teams, and each group is clad with a numbered vest. there's no way you'll know who bokuto is among the sea of volleyball players.

"yukie, kaori." the manager's tender voice brings your focus back to her. "she needs bokuto."

"okay." the girl with long hair nods as she chews mint gum. the girl with midnight blue hair bids you goodbye as she walks back to her team. the girl with long hair speaks again.

"i'm kaori, and she's yukie. we are the managers of Fukurodani." she introduces herself and you did the same. she continues. "you're right on time since the players will switch sides, so during that break, you can talk to bokuto." both girls smile at you.

"thanks." you mutter, holding the bag on your chest tightly as you hear your heart pound louder.

"Bokuto!" yukie calls. you spin around to face the court and the same boy from last time turns his head to the managers.

"yes?" he says, eyes wide and as bright as the summer sun. his wild hair is pushed up from his face complimenting his arched eyebrows. his figure is no doubt of an athlete; towering height, fit torso, thick thighs, and muscular biceps. he's completely different from the initial image you have of him. But in a good way.

"someone is here for you." kaori explains. the moment bokuto locks eyes with you, a smile on his face creeps up. the sound of his feet jogging to you is synchronous to your beating heart. when he stops right before you, a call from the other team saves you from starting the conversation.

"BOKUTO!" your eyelids peel open at the sight of a ball flying towards the two of you. bokuto quickly turns, and by instinct, he spikes the ball back to the court. a loud thump resonates as the ball hits the ground.

"oya! flexing your spikes to your girlfriend, huh?" a tall boy with raven black hair bickers. you feel the warmth of your body travel to your cheeks.

"kuroo, you're embarrassing her." a blonde boy with dark roots says after meeting eyes with you.

"bokuto! kenma implies that you as a boyfriend is embarrassing!" kuroo clutches onto his stomach as he laughs like the hyenas from the lion king.

"shut up i didn't say that!" kenma mutters under his breath. bokuto turns to you brushing them off.

"sorry, they're teasing me." he smiles. "what is it?"

"it's fine. here are the clothes my brother asked me to give you." you bring the string bag near him.

"WOAH!" startled with the sudden increase in his voice, you freeze. his orbs rounds as he rallies his eyes between you and the bag.

"SO YOU'RE HIS SISTER!" he pulls his hand out for a shake, bringing your senses back to reality. you grab onto it, his large hand engulfing your tiny ones.

"nice to meet you i'm bokuto!" he grins.

"i'm (y/n)!" you greet him back with the same enthusiasm.

"how did you get here?" he asks after untangling his hands with you and taking the string bag from your grip.

"i rode my bike after packing you clothes." you are not the best with small talks but thank god, bokuto is a natural conversationalist.

"in this dire heat of summer?!" he exclaims, and you nod 'yes' sheepishly.

"geez, if only i picked up the right pile of clothes and not my sister's, then i would have not bothered you coming here." he scratches the back of his head.

"that's okay. i should leave now." you point at the exit.

"no! stay!" his gentle yet calloused hands wraps around your forearm. the contact made your knees weak. "at least stay for watermelons. we're taking a break after this."

he looks at you keenly, lowering his back so his eyes would meet yours. he holds hope in his orbs, expecting you to say yes to his offer. albeit, you give in.

"okay." you bob your head.

"GREAT!" bokuto cheers in excitement. he finally lets go of your arm, but you can still feel his grip on you.

he takes you by surprise when he playfully ruffles your hair before speaking.

"i'll make sure you'll enjoy this match. keep your eyes on me." he genuinely pulls the corner of his lips, but something about what he said made you stop breathing. you bite the insides of your mouth as you stare back at him, his eyes never leaving yours.

"i like your smile," he says under his breath, making your whole face burn. Afterward, he pulled his back straight up like nothing happened, then jogged back to the court to meet with his teammates. Consequently, sweat begins to form in your forehead, and each heaves of air is heavier. your heart would beat faster whenever you replay the last words and sentences he said to you in your mind, picturing his rugged bearing and prominent gaze.

what the heck is happening to you?

bonus:

after days, you lie on your bed attempting to push the memories of your interaction with bokuto each time he crosses your mind. you feel perplexed with the way the insides of your body would react by just thinking of him. you turn to your side, cupping your face with your hands as you try to bury the image of your brother's friend at the back of your head.

soft raps sounded from your bedroom door cuts your train of thoughts.

"coming." you are quick on your feet, eyes dejected and distracted from the image of the captain and ace lingering in your mind.

"hey!" a voice greets you upon opening the door. you have his voice recorded in your head to know exactly how it sounded. to your horror, your sight welcomes the boy you dread the most to forget.

"b-bokuto?" you stutter. you stop the urge to slap your face to wake you up in you slumber.

you must be dreaming.

"i brought you cookies as a thank you for being my angel at the summer training camp." bokuto speaks. after blinking repeatedly, you tip toe to see past his shoulders.

"where's my brother?"

"oh, i asked him if i can come over to give you this and he said yes. he left right after i arrived. he's a busy man." bokuto chuckles. you take the box of cookies from his hand.

"thank you for this." you gesture to the box of sweet delights.

"sure." he nods at you. silence lay dormat between the two of you. you both share awkward glances before he decides to break the ice.

"your brother is a busy man but i'm not."

"huh?" your eyes widen in confusion. you don't know where he's getting at.

"i'm free today!" he rephrases, leaning on the doorframe of your bedroom door. you are not sure what he is implying to you but his eager eyes gives you a wild hunch.

"do you want to stay over and watch a movie?" instantly his orb shined brighter and his smile shows his teeth. he displays happiness innocently like a kid excited over small trivial things. he nods at you avidly like a child making you burst into laughter.

"you're cute." you accidentally blurt out. you cover your mouth as you catch yourself off guard. bokuto looks at you with endearing eyes before uttering,

"i'm glad we're on the same page."

continue reading to part 2?

Masterlist | HQ Masterlist

[redwinterroses]

I’m doing my very best not to format this as a literary analysis paper but that’s basically what this is so forgive me if I slip back into those old habits at all. And I'm going to tag @betweenlands and @fluffy-papaya in this because guys look what your fic made me brainrot. XD

(This is a long one, y'all. We're talking 2k words. Sorry.)

That said:

Hey, let’s talk about the bead curtain in Dog at the Door.

That dang bead curtain, and why I’m currently fixating on it, and how I think it has symbolism that may or may not be intentional.

(At this point, I’m assuming it’s intentional. Everything about this fic is intentional. Including the pain. Heh. “The only difference between a running gag and a recurring theme is how seriously you take it,” says Solar. Cool. I’m taking it seriously.)

The curtain first shows up in chapter one. It’s one of the first things we see in the van, and the first thing we know about it is that Doc finds it obnoxious. Ugly. Revolting. Renbob loves it, obviously, but Renbob has odd tastes. Doc, on the other hand, literally uses his hatred of the curtain to motivate him to get out of bed in the morning.

The Red King, when he shows up, also has similar dislike of the thing, but his reaction is a little more measured, a little less extreme. More distaste, less disgust. He finds it “distasteful” and compares it to wearing a labcoat without a shirt (lol). But he doesn’t loath it like Doc does, and when Doc suggests (in chapter 13) that they take it down and use it for friendship bracelets, he’s as displeased with that idea as Renbob is. He has an ambivalent opinion, overall.

And then Ren. Ren actually reacts the least to the curtain—but ends up with the most dramatic interaction with it, which we’ll come back to in a second. He simply says (chapter 24) that normally he’d find the beads hideous, but that the light of Doc’s eye reflecting off it into the shadows makes it oddly peaceful.

There’s exactly one other use of the word “curtain” in this fic, and it’s this line right here:

“I haven’t done anything but possess him and lead his soul back to the controls.” RK throws his hands up in the air. “He’s put himself behind the curtain because he thinks I’m out to get him. My only crime is the original contract I made with him, doctor.”

In this instance, RK is talking about their “imperfect metaphor” of Ren being behind the curtain that separates the “driver’s seat” from the rest of the van that is Ren’s mind/soul. He’s saying that Ren has deliberately put himself in a position of defeat and surrender because he (Ren) doesn’t think there are any other options.

M’kay. Right about now, any sane person is going, “Red. Why are you so fixated on this bead curtain. It’s a running joke at best.”

And... I mean, sure. Kinda. But also definitely not.

This is the part where I really step out on a potentially-shaky limb with all the confidence in the world, because here’s what I'm seeing: the dividing line between life and death is often portrayed in literature as a curtain.

(And it’s interesting to note that the curtain is a barrier, a separation, but it’s only a curtain, and this one is made of beads at that. It’s a flimsy and fluid barrier, easy to pass through. Back and forth. Surrender and control, life and death.)

In fact, even in this fic it’s used that way: RK may be referring to the metaphorical bead curtain in their van of an explanation for how his and Ren’s relationship works, but in the story at that point Ren is convinced that he’s dead. Or is supposed to be dead. And by putting himself “behind the curtain,” he’s surrendering to that. Almost insisting on it, because that’s the truth of how he sees the world right then and he can’t process any other possibilities. He’s basically saying “I’m supposed to be dead, and this side of the curtain is death, so that’s where I’ll stay.”

So if the curtain in the metaphor represents the two sides of that, it’s really interesting to look at the various characters’ reactions to the literal bead curtain and see how it reflects their attitudes toward death—and specifically Ren’s death.

Renbob is... chill. He has an entirely comfortable relationship with the bead curtain, with life and death, with his own emotions—even with dealing with the emotions of the others he’s chauffeuring across the universe. While he isn’t immune to the grief of losing (or thinking he’s lost) Ren, he deals with it in a relatively healthy way—at least as much as we see. I think there was a possibly-canon ask at some point that said he was journaling and meditating so... yeah. Renbob’s got this. And 50 other bead curtains in storage. He’s the only character in the fic who passes in and out of the curtain regularly and without it being a big deal.

To put it simply: Renbob is on good terms with whatever happens in life, up to and including the end of it. (Renbob is arguably the equal and opposite of Grimdog. Two sides of the same coin in more ways than one.)

Contrast that now with Doc. Doc is... not a fan of the bead curtain. It represents a loss of control to him, (“freakin’ hippies”) and a separation from what he loves. In the past, he and Ren were on opposite sides of that conflict, and the beads still somewhat represent that tension (though in a mostly nostalgic, and not actively-antagonistic way.) But the language Doc’s narration uses to describe the beads is strong. “Obnoxious.” “Accursed.” “Horrendously evil.”

Nearly as scary as his best friend trying to kill him.

It’s played for laughs, obviously, and it is funny. But if we project the symbolism of “the curtain represents death” onto Doc’s reactions, it gets a bit less amusing. And it really fits with Doc’s attitude toward Ren’s death in the whole fic. It’s the worst thing he’s ever faced—to the extent that until RK’s seemingly-permanent presence forces him to, Doc doesn’t even try to process it. He goes right to work on the prosthetics, growls at anyone who tries to make him do anything he doesn't want to do, accepts RK as “New Ren,” and pretends that he’s going on with life.

He refuses to look at how weird the whole situation is, because if he does that he has to deal with Ren being gone forever. He ignores the thing that’s right under his nose and pretends it’s not there until a moment of quiet or actually having to interact with it brings it back to his attention, and then his reaction is vitriolic.

Doc hates that curtain, and he hates the concept of death, the concept of losing control. Even in his nightmares, he holds tight to what little control he can take, even if it’s just taking the initiative to sit in the snow and let it kill him faster. Hold onto that thought, because I’ve got more to it, but we have to talk about RK and Ren first.

RK holds both distaste and acceptance of the curtain. He doesn’t like it, but he doesn’t want it destroyed either. The distaste, notably, is when he’s with Doc, and the acceptance comes from being around Renbob. The Red King, as a blood god, is not exactly unfamiliar with death. It’s literally in his job description, but that doesn’t mean he has to like it. A necessary evil, if you will.

It doesn’t hurt either that, at least up until Ren, RK has always been the one on the other side of the curtain, completely in control of the situation. He goes back and forth on his attitudes, but in the past he has been the one in control and the bringer of death. His reaction is negative, but not emphatic—the way someone who has plenty of indoor plans might react to a rainstorm.

Ren... now, Ren. Ren has, like I said, the least recorded reaction to the actual, physical bead curtain. But. But. While he normally would call it hideous, “there’s something oddly peaceful about watching light fractals spin off the walls, cutting off into the shadows.” The shadows, it’s worth noticing, are specifically implied to be RK/hiding RK in this moment. Doc’s light and RK’s shadows interacting with the curtain bring peace to Ren. He passes through it easily to find Renbob.

Ren has already accepted his death—he accepted it long before the fic even started—to an extent that he’s actively insisting on it for a large portion of the story. It’s only when he realizes that Doc is in potential danger that he starts fighting RK for control of the situation again. (“Stay away from Doc, you bastard. He wasn’t part of our bargain. Leave him alone.”)

He dislikes the bead curtain, but he doesn’t hate it, and when seen in the (literal) light of Doc’s protective, watching eye—even if he is asleep at the moment, bless—even the shadows of RK’s presence are suddenly beautiful and peaceful to him in a way that, without the “reflecting fractals” of the beads, wouldn’t be possible. Again: this is the chapter where Renbob’s influence is felt, and his peace with life and death directly affects Ren and his reactions. (“It’ll all sort itself out, eventually, and I’ll be here for you while it does.”)

And then...

And then Ren rips down the curtain altogether.

The separation is gone. For better or for worse, that divide between control and surrender, between RK and Ren, between life and death... it’s gone. It’s scattered across the floor of the van, glittering in Ren’s hair, and in the carpet. Ren has broken through that barrier, and now we just have to wait to see what the consequences of that are for him.

But... we can already see at least one consequence for Doc. Because now there is no more illusion of control and surrender for him to maintain. That division is no longer there, and we see Doc’s first real surrender in the whole story. Even in his nightmares, he was still in control: he knew it was a nightmare, and he fought against it until he “gave up”—in a way that still put him in control. He chooses to sit in the snow so it’ll kill dream-him faster.

He acts like he doesn’t care, but it’s still not that: he takes control in the only way he knows, aware that everything is only a dream and no matter what how it treats him, he’ll still wake up in the end. He looks at the nightmare and says basically “Do your worst, I dare you, but you won’t get what you want from me.”

But now—now he surrenders to Ren. He gives up. His core truth (“I’ll do anything to protect those I love,” which I talked about in this post) looks like it’s not going to be enough to save them. He can’t save Ren—from RK or from Ren himself—and that means he’s lost in the worst way possible. In this moment, it looks like Ren doesn’t even trust that Doc’s core truth—that he will do anything to save his friends—is true.

This is Doc’s lowest point: that Ren seems to think Doc’s loyalty and love have failed. And to Doc... that’s a fate worse than death.

So he gives up. He tells Ren to kill him, and he fully expects him to do so. Doc doesn’t want to die, but at this point he has completely let go of any control of his own fate. Even when facing down Ren with the Skizz blade, he held tightly to his control of the situation. He literally takes the sword in his own hand and removes it as a threat. But now—now the curtain is gone. The illusion of control is gone.

Ren is the one in control of the situation—for possibly the first time in the fic—and he chooses to remember that Doc is his friend, that he’s missed him. But Doc leaves it all to him. Even when Ren backs off, Doc stays in that surrendered state (“I can’t do anything right, unlike [Martyn.]”). He realizes that he's been in the passenger seat the whole time, and he’s now where Ren was before: no longer even trying to take back the driver’s seat.

The curtain is gone. Now we just have to wait and see who ends up on which side of it at the end.

[prfctethereal]

just another horror movie. | james potter

pairing: james potter x reader

chapter: one 

warnings: NSFW, smut, oral (male receiving), exhibitionism, talk of dead bodies, actual dead body, blood, vomiting

word count: 3.7k

read the prologue here or on ao3 here

summary: you and james take a quick detour through the woods, to have a bit of morning fun, but find something gruesome.

Three weeks earlier…

The quiet town of Hogwarts had never been quieter. It was typical though; towns that resided in the countryside of Scotland were often described as “quiet”, unbeknownst to most that it was anything but. Except, Hogwarts lived up to the stereotype. Peaceful, tame, quiet.

Quiet.

God, you needed some quiet.

Exam season was narrowing in, which meant endless nights of caffeine and random studying music that you found on spotify, its main purpose to help you concentrate. It was unfortunate, with the school year coming to a close, but you were determined to leave the year proud and satisfied with your work. Everything was going perfectly so far. Nothing could screw it up.

This is what you told yourself as you began your walk to school this morning. Leaving your house at seven in the morning on the dot had become the regular for you. Now that Summer was finally coming in, the walks were warm, without chilling breezes. You could feel comfortable with the wind in your hair and a light shirt on your back.

Something felt tranquil about this morning in particular. You didn’t feel held up or anxious. You didn’t even feel stressed as you busily organised your school bag this morning. You didn’t even blink an eye when you dropped your chemistry textbook on your foot. You were in a good mood. You were glowing.

Maybe it was because you had been getting some amazing sex from your amazing boyfriend lately.

Maybe.

But today wasn’t for what ifs. Today, you had one thing on your mind. A conversation needed to be had between you and your guidance counsellor, as the prospects of colleges were starting to roll around. Applications were beginning to close and your aspirations for life after high school were beginning to get clearer and clearer. You no longer wanted to be tied down in a small town, where the most important job you could get was at the Mayor’s office, sitting at a desk, listening to the complaints of highly egotistical citizens.

Wasn’t for you.

Your mind drifted off to your could-be life, and before you knew it, your legs had walked to your boyfriend’s house without you even realising. It was something unconscious and natural, something you were completely used to. The sight of the grand, three-story mansion that your lover lived in brought unprecedented comfort.

The spiralling pillars covered in the greenest of vines was something from a fairytale. A pale cerulean was painted across the panelling, giving a dream-like feel. Right above the front door housed a giant window, one that opened up into James’ bedroom.

Right. James.

Walking up the path, you felt comforted by the familiar sound of gravel beneath your feet. It reminded you of all the nights you had snuck up this very path to climb into James’ bedroom via the window. Nostalgic really.

Now you were here in broad daylight, ready to walk hand in hand with your boyfriend to school. Knocking on the front door, you were excited to see a nearly immediate opening of the door, with a very joyous boy standing there. His signature dopey smile glistened even brighter, as his eyes lingered over your clothed body a little longer than expected. His tongue shot out very quickly over the pink cushions of his lips, something you could’ve missed in a blink of an eye, but you didn’t. Laughing, he pushed his glasses up the nose of his bridge, before running his fingers through his unruly hair.

“Should we go then?” It sounded as though it was the first time James had spoken this morning, a fact that you didn’t mind, as your brain thought unholy things when listening to his gravely morning voice.

“Soon.” You mumbled, your voice trailing off slightly, as you stepped towards James, swinging your arms around the back of his neck. Taking a breath of his scent, you leaned forward, placing a delicate kiss upon his lips. They were slightly chapped, but you didn’t care.

It may have been a Summer day, but that wasn’t the only reason you were feeling hot.

Stopping yourself before you went too far, you pulled backwards, not before suggestively running your hands down James’ chest, smirking against his lips. “Come on, let's go.” You remarked playfully, smacking your hand lightly against James’ firm butt, which elicited a short laugh from the bubbly man.

So, hand in hand, you and James darted down his footpath, back into the street. Even more birds had woken up by now, with a choir of chirping serenading your descent into the bustling streets of Hogwarts.

Everything now seemed a little more public than you initially thought. Neighbours were waking up and going to work now too, giving no shorter than five second glances at you and James’ hand intertwined. You know what they would say; old people gossiped too much for your liking. It made you especially nervous, knowing that your parents didn’t know about your illicit relationship. Maybe it should stay that way. Well, before any neighbours get a little too gossipy in the weekly book club meetings.

“Are you listening to me?” James asked, snapping you out of your thoughtful haze. Blinking twice, you returned your attention to James, who’s eyes were laced with concern as he looked you over once again, eyebrows furrowed. “You seem out of it.”

“Oh, sorry.” Your voice came out almost silently as you looked away, flushed and embarrassed. “What were you talking about?”

“How I was going to fuck you so hard later today that you are going to struggle to walk.” James followed his statement with a dash of laughter, something that you mimicked like a pirate’s parrot.

“Well, I hope that’s not a joke, my dear.” You flashed a sly smile, looking James up and down. You both stopped walking, with James now admiring the way you were biting your lip, as if you were a siren trying to entrap him. Surely, you guys wouldn’t quickly dash away into the bush and go for a quickie right now, right?

James thought about it too, eyeing up someone’s poor hydrangea bush. Unfortunately, there would be too many witnesses, and exhibitionism wasn’t something you had both openly discussed before, although it wasn’t completely off the table.

“Lunch period.” James finally said, stopping his momentary halt, and marching forward.

“Lunch period?”

James leaned over, pressing his lips so close to your ear. His hot breath sent shivers down your spine, ones that ended in your core. “Meet me in the hallway between the chemistry and physics lab. I think there’s a new cupboard we could Christen.”

Giggling in excitement, you rubbed your fingers up the length of James’ arm, tugging him down the footpath, continuing your conversation about whatever. You learnt that he had a History test today, all about women earning the right to vote. You sighed as you listened to him talk about what he was passionate about, his stressed vowel sounds turning you on more than you would’ve thought.

Then came a predicament. An actual, real life crossroad. Right in front of you was where the footpath curved to the left, following along the road onto the main road through town. It was the way you went every day, with the road taking you directly to school when you walked along it, arriving perfectly at seven twenty-five every day. It was ideal.

This morning, though, you were feeling cheeky. From this footpath curve was another opportunity. The footpath also opened into a dirt path, something that twisted into the woods, or, as the conspiracy theorists of the town called it, the Forbidden Forest. It was hardly forbidden though; they literally took Scouts classes there, and those have kids as young as seven in them.

Feeling devilish, you paused James for a moment, the cogs turning over in your brain. You might arrive at school a little later than you first thought, but at least you would have some distance between the prying eyes of the Hogwarts neighbourhood. And maybe, you could have a little bit of fun too.

“James,” you smirked, tugging at the edge of his shirt, capturing his attention, something that wasn’t actually that hard to do, “shall we go for a detour this morning?”

Your eyes flashed over the forest and onto the quiet stillness of it. You could feel James’ heart rate speed up, but it wasn’t because he was scared. He was just as excited as you. It was like a switch had flicked on in his brain, although he was still hesitant, his feet still planted firmly on the ground.

“Are you sure?” James questioned. “How late is this going to make us?”

“Not that late at all.” You justified, mocking offence. “Oh, we should get there at maybe, quarter to eight? And besides, it’s fresh air, it’ll be good for us, and our lungs. Think of it as reversing the side effects of being around Sirius and Remus when they smoke all the time. Your lungs will thank us.”

“I’m not sure that’s how it works.” James laughed.

“How would you be so sure?”

“I’m the one that takes biology out of the two of us.”

You had to try another tactic, so, you jutted your bottom lip out of your mouth, putting on your best doe eyes, hoping you could flutter your eyelashes enough for him to give into temptation. “Please?”

A sigh escaped James lips as he seemed to give in. His reluctant look of worry was quickly replaced by an eager spark. Knitting his fingers in with yours, you two walked hand and hand together down the dirt path. The change of feeling beneath your feet was almost instantly recognisable, the normal, smooth, concrete path replaced by the rough dirt, and slight mud, even though it hadn't rained in days.

As you continued to wander down the path, you were suddenly covered in a canopy of shade, as the trees of the forest soon covered your heads. The route got a tad darker, the path no longer illuminated with the light of the sun, not that you minded though. You could still easily see where you were going.

You felt a little colder without the extra heat from the sun. You didn’t like the way goosebumps rose on your skin or the way you had to rub your hands along your arm to keep yourself warm. You felt out of control, a feeling of which you loathed. You didn’t want your perfect morning to be ruined by a little chill.

When you reached a tall, winding tree, you stopped James from his walk, pulling him off the path. Luckily, you had spotted a small dip in the earth, perfect to stay in, somewhere where regular bystanders wouldn’t find you. Happy with your discovery, you looked back at James, who had a puzzled look across his face.

“What’s going on?”

“Can I kiss you?” You asked breathlessly, your hands already getting fidgety. You wanted to be connected with James again, intertwined if you will. You needed to feel his skin, even if it was barely quarter past seven in the morning.

“Yes, love.” James breathed out, his voice quiet and shallow. WIth the consent, you leaned upwards, connecting your lips at last. It felt right to be pressed up against each other once again, even if it had been only yesterday when you had last felt such passion.

You deepened the kiss, feeling urgent to make the most of the short time you had together. Your mouths melded together almost perfectly, your lips pushing against each other like a playful pillow fight, one which you were determined to win.

Feeling mischievous, you reached to James’ hair, tugging lightly on his roots, an action you knew he liked. This action got the response you wanted from him, a needy moan, in which you took the opportunity to slip your tongue into his mouth, battling it out with his own, regaining confidence and dominance.

You pulled away, your cheeks flushed from the lack of oxygen. James looked disheveled but pleased, wanting to continue your little make out session, but unfortunately, you had limited time.

“Can I suck you off?” You whispered against his mouth innocently, looking up at his hazel eyes, brushing his hair off of his forehead. You could hear him gulp with nervousness, before nodding quickly, his hands making their way to his slacks.

You knew James was slipping into a mindset clouded by arousal, so you sank to your knees slowly in front of him, still looking up at him through your long lashes. On your journey downwards, you carefully unzipped the zipper on his pants, pulling them down to ankles, until he was clad in only his boxers.

Lifting yourself up slightly onto the balls of your feet, you kissed him lightly on the outside of his boxers, feathering gentle kisses. You knew you were being a tease, but you needed him nice and hard. As you felt his bulge setting like cement under your lips, you lifted your hands up, joining your lips so you could palm him, stroking the material.

When James started moaning, - “oh please, stop teasing, I beg you,” - you released him from the cage of his underwear, dragging the clothing down the apex of his things, watching the muscles twitch in excitement. There, James’ half hard cock laid against his thighs, the tip a gentle rouge colour.

Your fingers grazed over his prick, lightly tracing a prominent vein of the underside of the sex muscle. James groaned in pleasure, the teasing getting too much for him to handle. Feeling benevolent, you dribbled saliva over the tip of the cock, before wrapping your entire hand around it. You started stroking harder and faster, making sure James could feel all of you in a way you hand. He was starting to fall apart above you, but it wasn;t enough.

“So- so good.” James murmured, his eyes gently shutting as he became lost in the feeling. “Don’t stop, please don’t stop. I love your hands, so perfect, so precise. Perfect for me, precise for me.”

“It was like you were made for me.” You agreed with the raven haired boy, before bringing your lips down to the tip of his penis. This action shocked James, but the whimper out of his mouth made you know he was enjoying it. Living from the excitement of the exhibisionist route, you swiveled your tongue across the tip, reaching down the length of the cock, savouring his taste.

“Right there.” James moane, as you brung the rest of your mouth down over his now fully hard cock, reveling in the flavour of the salty precum that was leaking from his angry tip. With a smooth rhythm, you bobbed your head up and down on James’ cock, the sound of his moans itching you on.

You knew you were running out of time, and you still wanted him to cum, so you sped up your movements on James’ cock, stroking the base of his cock, which could not fit in your mouth. Adding to the pleasure, you let your hands move downwards a bit more, so they played gently with James’ hanging balls.

This applied pressure was becoming too much for James, as his breath became laboured and a tingling feeling was nearly bursting at his cock. “I’m gonna cum, please, I’m going to do it.”

You lifted your mouth off of James’ cock, just to murmur, “let go.” James, with your permission, spurted his cum across your hands. Eager to savour him, you opened your mouth, catching as much of the milking substance as possible, not wanting to waste any of it. Jacking James off through the entire thing, you watched as his orgasm crashed over him entirely, the way his face contorted in pleasure almost being the most beautiful portrait to you.

Licking the rest of his cum off of your fingers, you stood up, wiping your knees off, as the dirt sticking to you was becoming slightly uncomfortable. While you stood up, you reached from the top of James’ pants, pulling them upwards as you went.

“Thanks.” James almost laughed, except he still sounded out of breath, which was very reasonable though. You did just suck the life out of him. His fingers worked quickly, rearranging his pants, and cock, so that you both could continue on your way to school.

As you waited for James to finish cleaning himself up, your nose turned upwards. There was a strange smell coming from the area, one you didn’t notice before when you were on your knees in front of James. It was a smell that you were relatively unfamiliar with, but all you knew was that it stank like rotten meat.

“Can you smell that?” You asked James, looking off into the little ditch you were beside. Wherever you were, it seemed that it had been recently disturbed. Broken twigs snapped into pieces laid amongst crunched up leaves. If you squinted, you were sure you could even make out that faintest of footprints on the ground. It was odd, but nothing you haven't seen before in the woods. The smell on the other hand…

“Smells like thrown out vegetables.” James readjusted his glasses before holding out his hand, inviting you to close your fingers in with his. “I bet some old granny thought it would be a good idea to throw out their compost in the woods. If the council found out, they would have a fit. You know all about their weirdly tight rules on littering? It’s not even bad for the environment.”

You had stopped listening a while ago. Something didn’t feel right, but it was nothing you could sort out now. You weren’t satisfied but you turned back towards James anyway, knowing that you needed to head off to school or you would be running a little bit behind schedule. As you turned around, you noticed James’ face morph from a cheeky grin to a concerned frown.

“What is it?” You pondered, stepping towards James, matching his pear-shaped frown with one of your own.

“Did you cut yourself when you were on your knees?”

“Huh?”

“Look.” James bent down to look at your knees and you turned your head down too. What you thought had just been a bit of dirt must’ve been something else. Your knees were covered in a browny-red, maybe a maroon colour. It looked as though your entire knee had been cut open, as blood was still dripping from your skin, but that couldn’t be right. You felt no pain on your knee. You hadn’t cut yourself.

Swiping your fingers across your knee, you gathered some of the drying blood on your fingers. This was the first time you had looked at your hands since you wiped off your knees before and you saw that you had smudged blood stains all across your palm. You nearly barfed on the spot. You felt incredibly uneasy, like a stormy ocean filled your stomach.

You lifted your fingers up to your nose, a theory hypothesising into your head, and you were right. The smell of the blood matched the rotten meat smell you could smell before. As if you were a dog, the odor latched onto your nose and expanded, its putrid smell being the only thing in your senses.

“I'm going to be sick.” You doubled over a rock. Resting your hand against a boulder, you hovered downwards over a patch of leaves, letting your breakfast out. Your head was reeling as you could still smell the retching odor of the old blood. You couldn’t get it out of your mind, so you leaned over again, round two of the hurling intervention.

James rushed over to you, placing his warm hands on your back, rubbing soothing circles. He wished he could say that his main focus was to make you feel better, but it wasn’t. Over in the deepest part of the dish, he noticed something strange. It was almost like a small lump in the ground, something unnatural. It seemed to be covered very messily by old leaves and sticks, and an entire tree branch, as if it would make it any less inconspicuous. It even had that opposite of the desired effect, seemingly sticking out like a sore thumb.

“Darling,” James waited until you lifted your head back up, regaining your breath once again, “what do you think that is?”

James’ hand pointed into the direction of the ditch, in which you followed his eyesight and body movements. You could see it too; just a lump in the ground. Your mind was racing of what it could be. A dead animal? A pile of rotten food? Maybe a…

“Holy shit!” You had only just realised that James had already walked over there, except his body was covering your eye line, and you couldn’t actually see what James had found. Although, he told you immediately. “Quick, call the police. It’s a body.”

A dead body in Hogwarts? Making sure you didn’t lose any more of your stomach through puking, you rushed onto the path in the woods, grabbing your phone out of your pocket, hoping you could get service all the way out here in the woods. Fumbling to turn your phone on, you nearly groaned out in annoyance when you saw that you were getting no bars of service.

Running back to James, you couldn’t stop at the moment. You called out to him, your words a blurred mess, trying to convey to him that you were going to find someone to help. Unsure if he had even heard you, you ran back down the path, your feet carrying you to where you needed to go, unable to bring yourself to a cohesive thought.

When you exited the forest, you flicked your head around, trying to find someone, anyone, that could help in the moment. The first person you saw was your calculus teacher, Mr Slughorn, to which you promptly called out to.

“Mr Slughorn!” You cupped your hands around your mouth to project your words across louder. Mr Slughorn snapped his head around and gave a friendly wave. Annoyed, you shook your head. “Call the police!”

“What?” He called back, walking towards you now. You groaned, trying again.

“There's a dead body in the forest. Call the police!”

***

lmao. anyway this has become a series whoops.

[ddaengtae]

in the in-between || bbh

pairing: byun baekhyun x reader

genre: friends to lovers, new year’s eve!au, slight angst, fluff

word count: 7.4k

summary: you had never been a fan of new year’s eve.  something about the illusion that once the clock struck midnight, the past would be behind you and everything would change for the better never sat right with you because it never turned out to be true.  yet every year, the holiday provided a sense of false hope that maybe this year, things would be different.  maybe this year things would change between you and baekhyun for once and for all.

a/n: well i finally pushed myself to write something after nearly 5 months and the result turned out to be none of my initial ideas and very mild compared to what i’ve written before.  not totally content w it but it is progress and it is complete!!  it’s been a bit so my writing is a little rusty, but happy new year everyone and i hope you enjoy. :)

There had always been something rather paradoxical about the concept of celebrating the brink of a New Year to you.  The night of New Year’s Eve itself was at conflict with itself; the idea was to cheers to leaving the past behind, but doing so often led to much indulging in nostalgic memories of the exact year that everyone was aching to leave behind.  The premise had always been to throw one last grand celebration to celebrate the accomplishments of the past 365 days and drown out all of the past sorrows with some deafening music and a bit too much to drink.  After one last hurrah surrounded by the ones you love most and an alcohol coma bound to keep you knocked out until the next afternoon, the blanket assumption was that all would start anew and everyone would at last conquer their greatest fears and commence accomplishing all of the things that they had been putting on hold for far too long.  

Yet every year it felt like a sham to you.  Too many January 1sts had you woken up with a mind-numbing hangover and the overall sense that despite all you had pledged to change the night before, everything still felt precisely as it had in the previous year.  Sure, you and everyone around you would follow their lackluster resolutions of going to the gym more or eating healthier for a month or so, but once the pressure and urgency died down, so did the effort.  In the end, there was no substantial change.  It was almost like being stuck in a gridlock; despite wanting out and craving for something more, you could never bring yourself out of the stalemate.  Maybe your typical resolutions were too safe.  Maybe you were just too secure remaining in the cozy comfort zone you had resided in for most of your life.  Regardless of reasoning, New Year’s Eve had always felt like a sort of in-between dimension; a place where both the past and future existed both at peace and in conflict of each other for just one night, and a space where they both could be deemed as of the utmost importance or a pointless memory of the past.

“If your New Year’s resolution is to be the life of the party, you’re going to be off to a bad start,” a sarcastic chide and a bubbly laugh broke you out of your lonesome philosophical pondering.  It was only once a shoulder was playfully nudged against your own bare arm that you snapped out of your trance and realized that you had been standing in the abandoned kitchen for long enough to be noticeable, cradling a half-downed glass of champagne in one hand and your cracked cell phone in the other.  It was only then that you noticed Baekhyun popping your personal bubble and bringing you back to reality.

Baekhyun.  How ironic for it to be him of all people to interrupt your contradictory New Year’s Eve stupor when your relationship with him was perhaps the best analogy of all for your perspective on the holiday.  The pair of you had felt an immediate connection upon being placed in the same orientation group your freshman year of college years prior; the effortless way your personalities molded together and the jokes bounced back and forth nearly diminished all of your anxiety of fitting in and making friends in a new environment.  From that day forward, the two of you, as well as the extended group of friends you accumulated with time, stuck together through failed tests, heartbreaks, job offers, and all of the other highs and lows of life as confused university students.  Miraculously, you had made it to graduation in one piece and both managed to land jobs and apartments in the same university city along with many of your other friends.  Miraculously, the two of you were still friends.  Just friends.

The dynamic of your relationship with Baekhyun, like New Year’s Eve, always existed as a sort of in-between.  What it was in between, that you were not completely sure of.  One thing was for certain: you were friends and always had been.  Friends who could tell each other just about anything.  Friends who helped each other pick out their outfits for the night, and then assisted one another in getting out of them if one of you happened to have a bit too much to drink that night.  Friends who stared at each other, perhaps longingly, for just too long when they thought the other wasn’t looking.  Friends who joked around and touched each other constantly in a way that could only be described as flirting.  Friends who had “accidentally” kissed-- nay, made out-- more than once when under the influence.  Friends, but also not just friends.  Not just friends, but not anything more than friends.  It was yet another frustrating in-between that had never been resolved over the years, and one that you believed at this point never would be.

Downing the rest of your glass of room temperature champagne, you placed the empty cup down on the kitchen counter of Baekhyun’s apartment and raised an eyebrow at the bleach-blonde-haired boy beside you.  “Well, if it’s your resolution to be more obnoxious and invasive of my space, then congrats.  It’s not even midnight yet and you’re already off to a great start.”

Letting out a scoff, Baekhyun turned to face the counter and slowly re-filled your empty champagne glass with one of the many opened bottles remaining on the counter.  It was evident from his shaky hands and the way the liquid splashed over the rim of the glass that he too had already had quite a bit to drink.  “I haven’t been able to talk to you all night and now that I am, you choose violence?  In my own home?  Disrespectful.”

Offering him a half smirk, you reached to ruffle his hair with your free hand.  “If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.”

“Oh, the heat?”  Baekhyun’s lips twitched upward and his smirk was soon matching your own.  “Is it because you’re hot?  Because I can get behind that.”

Rolling your eyes, you tried to ignore the heat rising to your cheeks as you shoved his shoulder with the heel of your hand.  It was the alcohol causing your flush, you told yourself.  There was no need to feel flustered by his meaningless flirtation after all of this time.  “You’re unbearable.”

Baekhyun flashed you a toothy grin, his eyes remaining on yours just long enough to make you feel even more jittery.  There seemed to be a sense of warmth, or even admiration, in his eyes as he stared at you, his once beaming expression slowly morphing into a more pensive one.  “Mmm, maybe I am.”  Reaching forward, he nonchalantly-- too nonchalantly-- tucked a stray strand of hair behind your ear.  “No, but I’m actually curious.  Do you have any resolutions this year?”

All you wanted to do was melt into the warm touch of his hand as it brushed against your cheek, but it was gone before you could indulge too deep into that fantasy.  Pursing your lips, you crossed your arms over your chest and shrugged.  “Nothing out of the ordinary.  Probably just the usual… Make more time for the gym, be more organized… Stuff like that.”

Clearly not impressed with the cookie-cutter answer you provided him with, Baekhyun shook his head as he retrieved one of the nearly-full bottles of champagne off of the countertop and took a swig directly from the source.  “I don’t mean that sort of resolution.  I mean the type that you tell yourself deep down, the important type, that you usually don’t tell anyone.”

Of course that’s what he meant.  And of course you had thought of one, but it struck a little too close to home to feel completely comfortable sharing.  It struck a little too close to him.

Wanting to stall for more time and also needing to make your nerves less obvious to the boy standing in front of you, you tilted your head to the side.  “What do you mean?  Can you give me an example?”

Placing the glass bottle back on the counter, Baekhyun stared down at his feet for a few moments before nodding his head.  By the way his teeth dug into his lower lip you almost would have sworn he looked nervous, but the expression was gone before you could dwell upon it and overthink as you always did.  It was only once he urged you closer and leaned towards your ear that you realized just how loud the music and other voices were booming in the adjacent room and just how close the pair of you were despite the kitchen being quite spacious.  He leaned in as if though he feared that others would hear him, but you were aware that such a thing would be impossible with the volume in the other room.  Instead, his warm body barely grazing against yours and his breath against your ear created a feeling of intimacy that had your stomach in knots.  Clearly his throat, he slowly spoke, “Yeah, I have one.  It’s kind of a lot… But it’s to be more open and honest with the people around me.”  He paused for a moment, his fingers mindlessly playing with the hem of your shirt as his hand rested just above your hip.  “I’ve started to come to terms with the fact that I tend to use humor to cover up my real emotions a lot, and I think it’s fucked up the potential of a lot of great things for me.”

Well that was a lot more than you expected.  Despite your mind telling you to stop and that it wouldn’t be healthy, you found yourself instantly trying to pick apart the possible deeper implications behind his words.  What potentially great things was he referring to?  He tended to joke around with you a lot, even in serious situations, so could this possibly have anything to do with you?  Baekhyun had always been the straightforward type when it came to most of his relationships, so although it was highly unlikely, you found yourself fixated on the possibility of his resolution existing because of you.  A girl-- especially one with champagne flowing through her veins-- could dream for a moment.

Realizing that you had remained silent for perhaps a bit too long, you at last nodded your head and smiled slightly.  “I think it’s great that you recognize that about yourself and want to work on it.  I love your humor, but you shouldn’t let it get in the way of anything important.”  Pausing for a moment, you realized that it was now your turn to share.  After Baekhyun’s deep and honest confession, it was only fair that you told him yours.  Another hefty sip of champagne reassured you that the tipsy boy standing in front of you would never read too deep into your resolution and realize that it applied to him.  “Well, my main one is probably to be a bit bolder and to stop letting my fears hold me back.  It’s kind of like yours but instead of humor, it’s just me constantly getting in my head and talking me out of pursuing what could be some incredible things that I’m missing out on.  I would hate to live my life and find out later that some of the peop-- things-- I want in life could have been easily attainable if I had just been brave for like… A few seconds.”

If your eyes hadn’t been so busy tracing the tiles on the kitchen floor, maybe you would have noticed the look of absolute adoration in Baekhyun’s eyes as he stared at your face as you spoke.  It was only once his arms engulfed you in a warm hug and his chin pressed against the top of your head that you were snapped back into the present moment.  “Thank you for trusting me with that,” he mumbled into your hair, his proximity never being something you could grow accustomed to.  “Just know that I’ll always be here for you to push you through your fears.”  After a brief pause, he pulled back to examine your face, a warm smile stretched across his lips as his hands remained clenched around your arms.  “I mean, you’re not afraid of me, right?”

He could not have picked a more ironic question to ask if he had tried.  It took every ounce of control remaining in your drunken system to force down the laugh that threatened to push through your glossed lips.  Were you afraid of him?  Of course not.  Were you afraid of exposing your feelings to him and having it ruin everything you two had created over the years?  Absolutely terrified.  Maybe you would tell him eventually.  Maybe you would follow through with the true intent behind your resolution in the new year, but for now, you were for once enjoying the in-betweenness of the holiday because it simply meant that you would not have to address your fears just yet.  Instead, for now, you allowed yourself to respond, “Of course not, Baek.  You’re like a… Marshmallow.”

Baekhyun feigned offense and gently pushed you away from him.  “A marshmallow?  Of all things...  Are you trying to tell me that I should add working out more to my resolutions?”

The anxiety finally washed away for a moment as you giggled at his baffled expression, shaking your head.  “No, no.  It’s just the first least-threatening thing that came to mind.”

“Oh, I can be threatening.”  Puffing out his chest, he made a valiant effort to flex his muscle through his rather thick sweater.  When he earned another giggle from you, his eyes shifted over to the other much-more-lively room.  “Well, now that we’ve shared our deepest, darkest secrets for the night, will you please accompany me back into the real party?  It’s painful without you in there.”

Glancing over your shoulder, you grimaced as you caught sight of Chanyeol attempting to shotgun a beer like he was still in college, and groaning as much of the liquid splattered over his white t-shirt.  Shaking your head, you turned back to Baekhyun.  “I’ll meet you in there in a few minutes… It’s only 10:30 anyway.”

Instead of simply nodding and leaving you to your own devices, Baekhyun remained still, except for his eyes that studied your expression.  After leaving you to awkwardly sway from foot to foot and swallow the nervous lump in your throat, he at last verbalized his thoughts.  “You never liked New Year’s Eve, huh?”

Blinking in surprise, it was your turn to become completely frozen in place.  Sure, he was right, but you had never vocalized your distaste for the holiday.  Additionally, you always believed you did a stand-up job at making all of your friends believe that you were having the time of your life each year.  Sure, you would sneak out to the kitchen to catch a breather a few times, but you always ensured you were smiling and keeping up with the crowd when it came to socializing and drinking.  It unnerved you that despite your best efforts, Baekhyun still managed to see through the facade.  What else did he know about you that you thought you had kept secret?

Sucking in a sharp breath, you decided to be honest.  “I mean, you’re not wrong… I’m just surprised you noticed.”

Pressing his tongue into the inside of his cheek, he nodded slowly.  “You do this thing where you smile wider when you’re sad, but it doesn’t reach your eyes.  I’ve noticed it happens a lot on this day.”

The sincerity of his words had the lump you had just swallowed returning back to its righteous spot in your throat.  The fact that he had noticed such a subtle habit of yours and thought about it enough to connect it to how you were feeling had you feeling oddly emotional, but you refused to let it show.  Instead, you decided to use Baekhyun’s own coping mechanism against him to carry on, even if it would internally resurrect some of your past feelings of jealousy and sadness.  “I have no idea how you would even notice that… You’re usually shoving your tongue down someone’s throat at midnight or passed out in a drunken slumber on the floor before the ball even drops.”  To your relief, you were able to force a quiet laugh through your lips.

“Stoppp.  I’m not usually like that.”  Baekhyun visibly cringed at your words, lifting a hand to cover half of his face in shame.  When you raised an eyebrow at him, he dropped his hand and gently grabbed one of your own.  “But I’m serious.  You’re my top priority and I want my top priority to be happy.”

“I am happy,” you replied a bit too quickly, giving his hand a squeeze before dropping it in fear that he would feel the perspiration on your palm.  Keeping his recent words in mind, you twisted your lips into a smile and squinted your eyes a bit in hopes he would mistake your expression as genuine.  “And I want you to be happy too, so let’s go enjoy the party.”

“Lead the way.”

Somewhere around 11:40, you lost Baekhyun.  After a rather enjoyable hour of catching up with old friends and consuming your body weight in food and alcohol, the blonde-haired boy slipped away through the dozens of people until he was out of your sight.  It wasn’t supposed to be a big deal; the two of you had separated numerous times within the hour to indulge in conversations with other people or to grab refreshments.

It wasn’t supposed to be a big deal, but the closer the clock ticked to midnight, the more you found yourself preoccupied with Baekhyun’s absence.  With each minute that passed, you became more and more frustrated with yourself for being so fixated on the lack of his presence despite being in the middle of a lively party surrounded by so many of your other loved ones.  Sure, Chanyeol and a couple of your other girlfriends had also gone missing, but all you could focus on was where Baekhyun had gone.  This wasn’t the first New Year’s Eve he had disappeared shortly before the new year rolled around.  In fact, as you sat alone on the couch as everyone around you counted down from ten, you were overwhelmed with a sense of sickening deja-vu.

As loud cheers and embraces of arms and lips around you signalled that it was at last midnight, it was then that you decided that this moment was why you despised the holiday so much.  It was the in-betweenness of New Year’s Eve that allowed you to hold onto an imagination of false hope that perhaps, things would be different this year.  Maybe at last the drive for a new beginning would thrust you out of the in-between stalemate that you had existed in for so long and propel you to confront all of the things your fears had been preventing you from doing for so long.  However, as the ball dropped and the television screen filled with fireworks and confetti, you were reminded of your solitary state and that the holiday was simply a superficial deception of change.  The state of in-between was no longer and you were pushed back to square one.

“You alright?” a quiet voice broke you out of your trance.  Sat beside you on the couch was a concerned-looking Kyungsoo with an empty glass of wine resting on his thigh.

Clearing your throat, you nodded your head and curled your lips into a half-smile for your friend.  “Yeah, just sleepy.  I think I’m going to head out soon.”

Scanning you up and down more than once as if to assess the truthfulness behind your statement, he at last nodded and rose to his feet, extending a hand out to you.  “Me too.  I’ll walk back with you.”

Hesitating for just a moment, you eventually reached for his hand and allowed him to pull you into a standing position.  While you would have preferred to endeavor on the short walk back to your apartment building alone, you knew your friends would kill you if they found out you were all alone so late and that it would be much safer to do so accompanied by someone else.  Besides, Kyungsoo lived in the same building and he was also the least likely to probe you with too many questions or unnecessary conversation.

The two of you fell into a common rhythm of saying your goodbyes to your friends and grabbing your belongings before meeting at the door.  After one last glance over your shoulder to see if Baekhyun had reemerged to no avail, you nodded your head at Kyungsoo to signal that you were ready to go.  With one last wave, you shut the door behind you and the loud music and voices were at last a muffled thing of the past.

After escaping the apartment building, you and Kyungsoo fell into a comfortable cadence, the speed of your strides matched in urgency due to the crisp winter air biting at the parts of your skin that were exposed after being enveloped in a warm space for so long.  A relaxed yet curious silence settled over you two; while you were friendly enough with Kyungsoo to know that he resented unnecessary small talk, you couldn’t help but notice the way he kept glancing at you out of the corner of your eye as if though to check that you were alright.

The collective quiet lingered all the way until you paced inside your shared apartment complex, brushing the dusting of snow off of your arms as you followed Kyungsoo into the elevator.  Once it began to ascend, Kyungsoo asked, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Pretending to be occupied with unzipping your winter coat, you avoided his concerned stare.  Although you were well aware that the attentive boy would see right through you, you still feigned ignorance and responded, “Talk about what?”

A stifled laugh slipped through Kyungsoo’s lips as he shook his head at you.  “You know what I’m talking about, Y/N…”  Reaching over, he brushed a speck of remaining snow off of your shoulder.  “I’m not saying that you have to talk about it with me, but it hasn’t seemed to do you too much good keeping it in for all this time.”

Finally allowing yourself to meet his eyes, you let out a breath you hadn’t even noticed you were holding in.  Kyungsoo knew about your feelings for Baekhyun.  You had drunkenly confessed your deepest secrets to him at one of your wine and movie nights last year, to which the pensive boy merely smiled and told you that it was ‘obvious.’ He had done an honorable job at keeping your secret thus far, only urging you every once in a while to set your fears aside and go for it (obviously without much success).  Shaking your head, you crossed your arms over your chest as the elevator came to a halt at your floor.  “If it was going to happen at this point, it would’ve already happened a long time ago.”

“I don’t think that’s true,” he objected, extending his arm to hold open the elevator door for you.  “You can’t expect things to happen if you’re not straightforward.”  Ah, the ever so logical Kyungsoo was back at it again.

“That’s easy enough for you to say,” you huffed, stuffing your hands into the pockets of your coat as you stepped out of the elevator.  “Don’t worry about me… I’ll be fine.”

“I mean, you especially have to be direct when you’re dealing with someone who is as big of a dumbass as Baekhyun is.”  Kyungsoo smirked to himself, obviously amused by his own jab at his long-time friend.  His hand remained on the opening of the elevator as he watched you exit from inside.  “But seriously, are you alright?”

Stepping into the dim light of the hallway, you playfully rolled your eyes at him and nodded your head.  “Yes, I’m alright.  Goodnight, Kyungsoo.”

“Okay, okay.  Goodnight, Y/N.”  With one last smile and wave, Kyungsoo allowed the elevator to close and left you alone with your incessant thoughts.

As you walked down the foyer toward your apartment at the end of the hallway, you couldn’t help but scoff at the tacky ‘new year, new me’ sign surrounded by confetti obnoxiously plastered onto one of your neighbor’s doors, vibrations of loud music emitting from under their door.

There was nothing new at all about this year.  While the passing of the eve also swept away the hope that comes along with the in-betweenness of the day, it dawned upon you that maybe some things just weren’t meant to be and that perhaps moving on would be the only way to officially break out of the stalemate you had been stuck in for far too long.

It wasn’t clear how long you had been asleep for.  One moment you were in the blissful world of your dreams atop your plush cloud of the bed, and the next you were suddenly jolted awake by a ceaseless banging noise seemingly coming from outside of your apartment.  When you were finally brought back to your senses, the light splashing through the blinds suggested that you had in fact been asleep for much longer than you originally believed.  The moment your eyes landed on the clock on your nightstand and saw the numbers ‘11:44am’ etched into the clock, you shot to your feet and were confronted with your unruly appearance in the mirror.  Sure, you had managed to take a shower and change before you climbed into bed the night prior, but the disheveled state of your hair proposed that it had been a rocky night of sleep.

The banging at the door, which you were finally able to identify was coming from outside of your door, continued and shook you further out of your tired fog.  Who the fuck needed to see you so urgently right now?  Sure it was nearly noon, but in your defense, you hadn’t remembered making plans with anyone and New Year’s Day was an internationally recognized hangover-recovery day.

Letting out a huff, you slipped the pair of sweatpants hanging off the side of your bed over your underwear-clad legs and threw your mess of a hair into a bun on the top of your head before stomping out of your room and towards the entrance of your apartment.  Without bothering to look through the peephole, you swung the door open with a frustrated pull.

There before you stood a flustered-looking Baekhyun, a tray holding two coffees held in one palm and a box of what you deemed to be doughnuts balanced on that same arm.  His other hand was still raised in a fist as if he was about to pound on the door once more.  When he finally registered that you had opened the door and acknowledged his presence, his lips twisted upward into a small small.  A smile that almost looked embarrassed… Or nervous.  “Hi, Y/N.”

Raising an eyebrow, you rubbed your eyes and scanned him up and down once more.  What the fuck was he doing here?  There was no way that you two had made plans and you had already forgotten.  You knew you weren’t that drunk when you were in his presence last night.  God, if it was your plan to get over him this year, you certainly were not off to a good start.  “Uh, come in…” you finally said, opening the door a bit wider and beckoning him with a nod of your head to follow you.  Once he followed you into the kitchen and set his belongings down on the counter, you crossed your arms over your chest and turned to him.  “Not to be rude… But also kind of to be rude… What are you doing here?”

“Well, I texted you and tried to call you like ten times to let you know that I would be stopping by, but somebody didn’t answer.”  Shrugging his jacket off of his shoulders, he occupied himself with hanging it on the back of one of the chairs.  “I brought coffee and doughnuts… I bumped into Kyungsoo in the lobby and he stole one of them, but I made sure he didn’t take any of the chocolate ones because I know those are your favorite.”

Keeping your eyes on him as you slowly opened the box and picked out one of the chocolate glazed doughnuts, you tried to study the unreadable expression on his face.  Something was off.  He usually exuded an almost childlike glow and enthusiasm that radiated through his body language and words, but it was absent at the moment.  Instead, the way his eyes refused to meet yours and the way he was rocking back and forth on his heels made you think that something was wrong.  After taking a bite of the doughnut, you wiped your mouth with the back of your hand.  “Okay, thank you.  Now tell me why you’re really here.”  You glanced back down at the opened box of doughnuts.  “This feels like some sort of weird sympathy gift before you give someone before you tell them that their dog died or something.”

Baekhyun hesitantly took a seat at the table, his eyes meeting your curious ones for a quick second before they flitted back down to his hands.  “I don’t know… I kind of felt bad for losing you last night.  Jongdae pulled me away because he knew I was the only one who would take care of Chanyeol puking his brains out, and before I knew it, I had missed the ball dropping and when I finally got Yeol into bed and came back out you were already gone.”

That was it?  Furrowing your brow, you offered him a small smile.  “Baek, it’s no big deal.  We’ve rarely ever been together when it hits midnight in the past anyway.”

“But I wanted to be with you.”

You would be lying if you said his simple statement didn’t send a swarm of butterflies to your stomach that ignited a sort of fire in your insides.  You knew you shouldn’t have allowed yourself to interpret his words in such a way, but you couldn’t help it.  It was definitely going to take more than one day of the new year to push your feelings aside.  Instead of showing any emotion, you solely asked him, “Why?”

Baekhyun’s eyes remained fixated on the clock on the microwave behind your head as you took a seat in the chair beside him.  His demeanor was so unlike his usual self; you were so used to him being direct.  “I thought a lot about what you said.”

Another cryptic answer could only yield another vague question.  “What did I say?”

“Just about your resolution and how you’ve never liked New Year’s Eve.  I was thinking about that a lot.”

Now it was your turn to feel uneasy.  Picking a small piece off of your doughnut, you rolled the object between your thumb and index finger to avoid meeting his gaze that was finally set on you.  “Why were you thinking about that?”

Taking a drawn out sip from his iced coffee, Baekhyun shrugged his shoulders.  Despite the gesture anticipating to come off as nonchalant, the boy’s disposition was still rather timid.  “I want to know why you don’t like it.”  His eyes lost yours again, moving back to the clock behind your head.  What the fuck was so interesting about the clock?  “And I want you to be honest.”

The tension in the air between the pair of you had you wanting to rise out of your chair and lock yourself in your bedroom.  You knew you couldn’t do that, and you knew he would see right through you if you provided him with some conventional answer of why you didn’t like the holiday.  Instead of opting to do either of those things, you chose to be honest.  Honest, but in a way that didn’t include him in the narrative.  “I don’t know… I guess I’ve just always seen it as some sort of facade of an in-between dimension.  The whole point of the day is to leave all of the troubles of the past year behind and it gives off this sort of false hope that things are going to be drastically better and different when the clock strikes midnight, but it’s all an illusion.  So I guess it’s kind of just like any other day except it exists as sort of neither the past or the future, but it’s the false hope that comes along with it that usually makes me sad.”

“An in-between,” Baekhyun repeated, nodding his head.  He bobbed his head in a manner that suggested not only that he agreed with your words, but that he may have even anticipated you saying them.  Without missing another beat, he murmured, “So kind of like us.”

Sucking in a sharp breath, the remnants of the doughnut remaining in your mouth shot down your throat, sending you into a coughing fit.  “W-What?”

Baekhyun hesitated for a moment, mindlessly twirling the straw around his plastic iced coffee cup.  “You heard me.”

Taking a long sip of your beverage to clear your throat of any stray doughnut crumbs, you blinked a few times in disbelief as you stared at the boy sitting next to you.  How the fuck had he read your mind?  And why was he bringing this up right now?  There was absolutely no way he understood the weight of his words, and there was no safe way for you to respond to what you thought he might be implying.  Instead, you played it safe, asking, “What do you mean by that?”

“I think you know what I mean… Or at least I hope you do.”  Baekhyun’s nervous brown eyes met yours for a moment.  The only sound filling the room was that of your heartbeat pounding in your chest, and the anxious tapping of his foot on the wooden floor.  “I think you should put that resolution of yours to use though and tell me what you think I mean.”

Your resolution.  The one where you had told him you needed to stop letting your fears hold you back from the things you wanted, and that sometimes just a few seconds of bravery could possibly lead to drastic changes in your life.  That was certainly the one he was referring to, it was just a matter of you putting your words into action less than twelve hours into the new year.  You knew there was a chance you were reading his body language wrong and that this could go horribly wrong.  However, in the moment, the want for something more to push you out of the in-between and Kyungsoo’s advice that nothing would change unless you were more direct proved to be stronger.

“You’re saying we’re also like an in-between because while we’re definitely friends by label, a lot of the things we do makes it feel like we’re more than that… But because we’ve never talked about it, we’re stuck in a sort of in-between state of friends and something more than friends…”  After pausing for a moment, you lost total control over the words escaping your lips.  “So if what you’re saying is that New Year’s Eve makes me sad because it reminds me of us, you’re right.”

You weren’t sure precisely how you were expecting Baekhyun to respond to your unexpected confession, but it certainly wasn’t him putting his face in his hands and letting out a loud groan.  “God, I hate it when Kyungsoo is right.  Even Jongin was right.  Jongin.  I’m such a fucking dumbass.”

Clearing your throat awkwardly, you stared down at your lap and sucked in a deep breath in an effort to decrease the accelerated speed of your heart.  You wished he would say something more.  In fact, you needed him to elaborate or else you wished the floor would swallow you up right then and there.  “Oh…?”

“Y/N…” The sound of the legs of his chair grinding against the floor interrupted his unusually quiet voice for just a moment.  Within a moment, his knees knocked against yours and a shaky hand found shelter beneath your chin, urging your head upward.  “I’ve been so caught up in my own fears of you rejecting me that I usually spend every New Year’s Eve drinking until I black out before midnight the years you’ve been with another guy so I don’t need to see you kiss somebody else at midnight, or making out with another random girl in an attempt to make myself feel better and forget about you.  It never worked.  It never will work because I’m a dumbass and I have been so disgustingly and blindly in love with you that I’ve been too scared or too stupid to consider that just maybe you felt the same way.”

It was in that exact moment that you felt as if though you finally understood what people meant when they said their hearts are full.  With each word that Baekhyun spoke and each absentminded stroke of his thumb across your cheek, you were sure that yours was about to burst; burst from knowing that all of the pain and longing had been without a purpose, and burst yet again for how much love you had to offer the boy sitting before you.  If you hadn’t been so well-rested and used to being cautious for so long, you probably would’ve thrown your arms around him and burst into tears.

It was also in that moment that you felt a drastic shift in the energy between the two of you.  No longer were you trapped in the longing and sadness of the in-between.  No longer did you have to wonder ‘what if’ or if your deepest feelings were reciprocated.  The vulnerability plastered across his face washed away all of the doubts you had been carrying around and beating you down for too long.  He wanted you and you wanted him.  The curse, that torturous trap, had been broken.  The in-between was no longer.

“You’re right,” you at last vocalized, unable to bite back the exuberant smile toying at the corners of your lips.  Reaching up, you gently rested your palm on top of the outside of his hand on your cheek.  “You are a dumbass.”

Baekhyun blinked a few times, almost as if he didn’t believe the words that left your mouth.  His body froze for a moment, but when he noticed the genuine joy spread across your face, he instantly relaxed and his smile grew to match your own.  “I just poured out my heart to you and that’s all you have to say to me?” he whined, lowering his arms to wrap around your waist and tugging you onto his lap.  “I already had to hear that from Kyungsoo on my way up here.  I told him that I was probably going to chicken out and then he asked me for a doughnut.  I thought he just wanted something to eat, but instead he threw it at my head and told me I’d be a total dumbass if I waited any longer.”  Glancing up for a moment, he ruffled his messy blonde hair.  “There’s probably still some frosting in my hair.”

“He called you a dumbass to me just last night, so at least he’s consistent.”  Wrapping your arms around his neck, you giggled to yourself as you eased a small clump of strawberry frosting out of his hair.  Once you were able to settle comfortably on his thighs, you allowed your eyes to meet his alluring stare.  “Baekhyun, I love you more than you could ever know and I am just as much of a dumbass for not telling you sooner and believing that my feelings would just disappear.”

If you hadn’t believed him before, the look of sheer infatuation in his eyes as he smiled at you wiped your slate clean of any remaining worries or doubts you had.  The love overtaking his features almost had you feeling embarrassed for ever thinking that he didn’t love you in the way that you loved him.  It had always been crystal clear.  No wonder why all of your friends were constantly urging you to confess to each other and that the chances of rejection were nonexistent.  No wonder why your friends had even told you that it would be impossible for you to love someone as deeply as you loved Baekhyun.

Playing with the hair on the back of his head, you leaned forward to comfortably rest your forehead against his.  “So can I kiss you now?  For real this time?  Or if I do, are you going to say ‘nice work, team’ and give me a bro fist bump like you did last time?” you teased, bringing up an unfortunate memory of the past, earning a groan and a visible cringe from Baekhyun.

“I panicked and I choked in the worst way possible.  You should know that I still wake up in a cold sweat some nights because that absolutely haunts me.”  He let out a breathy chuckle, nudging the tip of his nose against yours.  “And you can.  We just have to wait a minute.”

Furrowing your brow in confusion, you tilted your head to the side.  “Wait a minute?  For what?  We’ve been waiting years.”

“You’re going to laugh.”  Baekhyun chewed on his lower lip, a bashful blush smearing itself across the apples of his cheeks.

“Tell meeee.”

Puffing out his flushed cheeks, his hands slipped under the hem of your shirt to rest on the warmth of your lower back.  “While I was tossing and turning last night, I came up with this grand plan that if everything worked out, I was going to kiss you at exactly 12 o’clock noon as a sort of recreation of what I wasn’t able to do last night and all the midnights before.  Now that I’m saying it out loud, it’s even cringier than I originally thought and I’m emb--”

“Well, did everything work out?” you cut him off with your question, peering over your shoulder to take note of the time on the microwave clock that Baekhyun had been so preoccupied with just shortly before.

“Well, yes…”

“Then count down from ten.”

A knowing smile consumed Baekhyun’s lips as he began to murmur the countdown in unison with you.  With each number, your voices became just an ounce quieter.  With each murmur, your faces moved closer in proximity.  All of the tension and anticipation that had built up over the years existed as a bubble bound to be popped in the minimal space remaining between your lips.

“And 1…”

Baekhyun decided to take initiative once the last number was uttered, a firm hand gripping the back of your head and nudging your face forward until your lips crashed against his.  After the initial urgency of clamouring lips and teeth wore off, your lips and bodies molded together and fell into a mutual rhythm that burst the bubble of fears and replaced it with intense fervor.  While your kiss may not have been accompanied with the same boisterous fireworks and confetti that those who kissed at midnight experienced, it didn’t matter; the awakening of all of your senses from your head to toe ignited a fire inside of you that was brighter and louder than any holiday celebration could ever be.  

Neither of you had to ask what all of this meant for the two of you when you at last pulled away; there was simply a sense of mutual understanding that the stalemate had been broken.

At last, you were no longer trapped in the in-between.  

At last, you were home.

[hb-writes]

The Audit

Summary: It’s 1924 in the Little Lady Blinder universe. Clara and Finn make their annual visit to their mother’s grave.

Inspired-ish by this request: Also do the family celebrate her mums birthday? I think it would be a nice occasion where they celebrate her birthday and it’s nice for the twins especially whilst the boys are away polly makes a thing of it. ( I know nothing like this happens on the show, but I think they should) xxx

AN: So while I don’t think the family would celebrate her birthday, and actually find it painful to talk about her most times, I could see Finn and Clara sharing a little tradition like I’ve written about below. It’s not quite what you’ve asked for, but I hope you still like it!

Featuring: Finn Shelby, Clara Shelby (Shelby!Sister), Shelby!Mother

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Clara’s mind was settled on approximately seven things aside from the path she walked along, paying more mind to the questions in her head than the cobblestones at her feet. Truth was Clara had little need to pay attention to where she was going. She was far more familiar with the cemetery and it’s surrounding landscape than she was comfortable with, having buried far too many in her relatively short life. 

“You’re late.” 

Finn flicked his cigarette away, startling his sister as she glanced up from the pavement. He pushed off the pillar he’d been leaning up against, the entrance a sad excuse for a welcome, composed of no more than two crumbling stone columns and a rusted wrought iron gate.

Clara pulled her coat tighter, frowning as she stepped closer to her brother. “Tommy came back early, said he wanted me to go through some things with him before the… I suppose it doesn’t…” Clara took a breath and met Finn’s eye. “I’m sorry.” 

Finn shook his head, closing the remaining distance to pull her into a hug, his chin easily fitting over the top of her head. They hadn’t seen each other for a stretch of time, both of them overly occupied by the vastly different bits of life that customarily kept them apart, the Blinder duties and generally reckless adventures for Finn, and the Shelby Company Ltd. duties, and school, and family business for Clara. It was the recklessness that usually brought them together, the pair accustomed to passing at least a few evenings a week up to nothing particularly good. But with half the family locked away, they’d all had to step up. While Finn found getting up to nonsense revitalizing, Clara had been too busy for it, and far too tired aside. 

“Don’t worry about it,” he offered, settling his arm around her shoulder as they walked the familiar route from the entrance to their mother’s grave. “At least it’s not raining again this year.” 

Clara allowed herself a light snort, conceded a small smile as she leaned into her brother because there’d been more rainy cemetery visits over the years than not. Clara knew her brother didn’t care for the annual trip quite as much as he used to, had an inkling that he found it a bit asinine now compared to when they were kids, just a couple of orphans grasping onto a handful of wispy memories of a woman they knew very little about. That described them even still. 

If Clara was being honest, she found it all a bit silly too, but the ‘do we or do we not?’ of the occasion was never a discussion between them. The only discourse they ever had on the subject, always initiated by Finn about a week ahead out of custom, was in establishing a time they’d both be available on her birthday. 

It had been nearly ten years now that the twins had been coming to their mother’s grave and although they’d never told the others, never asked for a sibling’s accompaniment or gave a hint as to what they were both doing sneaking off on their mother’s birthday, Clara had a feeling they all somehow knew. 

It was why when not an hour before, as she grew antsy, repeatedly shaking out her wrist to check the time while she sat perched on the edge of Tommy’s desk, something shifted in him. Tommy simply asked his questions about the books and let her go, wordlessly accepting her answer of ‘out with Finn. He’ll bring me home’ when he asked where she was heading off to. 

Visiting their mother’s grave usually felt a bit like ringing in a new year but with less of the flair and celebration. Maybe an annual audit was a more apt description, seeing as Clara and Finn kept a ledger, a nondescript notebook stashed in the nightstand of Clara’s bedroom at the Watery Lane house, accessible to them both, though Clara would argue that Finn had more access to the archive now than she did, being as he stayed over on the lane much more often. 

Still, neither of them was likely to touch the book between visits to the cemetery, more likely was it that the ledger passed their minds only in the week or so before their mother’s birthday, and even then, neither of them was apt to do more than think on what they’d be marking down, mentally preparing themselves for the occasion, ensuring things went smoothly. 

The book came with rules, a certain etiquette that went unspoken between the two of them from conception to practice. The implicit secrecy of the whole thing, and the way they constricted their documentation to a particular day and place had been precedents set from the start. They’d only write while at the cemetery, while in their mother’s supposed presence, and there were limits on what was documented, the format decided nearly a decade prior, each of the entries nearly identical in configuration though the content varied. 

Finn and Clara recorded what happened in the preceding year, took an audit between the two of them of anything new they learned about the woman, and made a few promises to themselves and each other, intentions expressed just between the two of them. The words held no true pressure for realization, just an assurance of support from the other in the case they chose to move forward. 

This year felt different to them both as they’d prepared though, a bit forlorn and detached and impossible, what with Arthur and John and Michael and Polly locked away, and Ada in America, and Esme and Linda barely speaking with the lot of them, allowing the twins a bit of connection for little more than the sake of the babies, and on the order of their husbands. 

Clara had, on a fair few occasions, pondered what their mother would think of their situation, of Arthur and John locked away, of Clara feeling a bit that way herself while her twin brother was left to flounder, feeling lost and redundant as Tommy did what he did, all of his moves in the name of the family he’d allowed to take the punishment for his sins, and all while Ada played at being a neutral party from a continent away.

They went through the motions without discussions, Finn helping Clara to settle the blanket she always brought and taking a sip from the thermos of nearly cold tea while she found the pen and the appropriate page. 

“Shall we review?” Clara asked, glancing at the page as she marked the year at the top in bold loopy script, 1924. 

Finn took his time with another sip, prolonging the silence with an exhale and with the pen held still against the page Clara trembled, taking no care to pretend that it was only from the cold. 

“She’d be ashamed,” Finn finally said and though Clara nodded, she wasn’t entirely sure of what her brother meant. There was far too much she could be ashamed of. 

Would she be ashamed that her sons and sister-in-law and nephew were criminals of the worst sort? Murderers?

Would she be ashamed that her once sweet, doting Thomas had ordered it all and let the others take the blame? 

Would she be ashamed of the twins? Of their lack of action in the face of the others’ plight?

Despite wanting to fight Finn, despite wanting to say that they didn’t know their mother well enough to say how she would feel, or that they didn’t know Tommy’s plans well enough to decide either way, Clara knew Finn was a bit right, so she swallowed her retort. No mother would wish this for her children, or at least, Clara liked to think that their mother would never wish for this.

And anyway, Clara often questioned those very things herself, pondered if she had put up enough of a fight to Tommy, analyzed at length whether she and Finn and Ada had been too forgiving of it all, but then she thought what choice did they have? Tommy was all they had now, and even if Polly hadn’t been locked away in Winson Green or Ada hadn’t gone off to Boston, Clara didn’t know if she was capable of not forgiving her brother. 

She hoped a certain part of her mother would be proud of her, proud of the advanced education she’d received, proud of Clara’s love of stories, and content with the kindness and loyalty she showed to her family, despite it all. 

Clara took a sip of the tea, grimacing as the cool liquid hit her tongue. 

“Did you learn anything new?” she asked.

Clara hadn’t. The information about their mother, the little anecdotes, usually came so organically, in moments when one of the twins reminded a sibling of some long forgotten trait of hers or when someone was feeling just the right bit of nostalgic, but it had been a busy year, filled with the death and misery and arrests, and very little else. 

Finn’s answer came with the slight shake of his head and Clara felt the same difficult swallow as her brother, her eyes growing wet though she’d told herself she wouldn’t allow it. She’d be strong for Finn today, and for Tommy and Ada and John and Arthur, too.  

Clara took care as she set the thermos down, a small whimper breaking when Finn took her hand. “She’d be proud of you though.”

Clara coughed and cleared her throat. 

“Proud of us,” she said, meeting his gaze.

Something in Finn’s face shifted though he kept his hold on both her hand and her eyes. Clara knew Finn didn’t truly believe it. The sentiment barely registered with him, and she knew that her brother thought that if he had just run a bit quicker, or shouted a bit louder, he could have saved Arthur and John from the current reality. She knew it because despite everything, she similarly held onto the imprisonments, John’s and Arthur’s and Michael’s, like they were her own, like she’d been the one to put them in the cell even if she’d been innocent aside from serving as a bit of fuel to the fire.

Clara put a dash beside the spot she’d designated for the new information and jotted out a few lines below. 

“I think this covers the updates.” Clara turned the book towards Finn. “Is there anything...?”

 Finn shook his head as he glanced at the information she’d inputted, the neutral bullet points that described the past 365 days honest enough though they were far from agreeable. 

“Goals?” Clara asked.

Finn scoffed as she said it and fished out his pack of cigarettes. “You mind?” 

Clara shook her head, watching as he lit the cigarette and took a long draw from it, scoffing again as he looked at her. 

“You know what I wish for?” Finn said, using his cigarette to point at her the same way Tommy often did. “What I long for?” 

Clara shook her head. 

“Nineteen fucking fourteen,” he said.

Clara felt a shiver run up her spine at the thought. 1914. Things had been simpler then, lighter, but Clara only remembered 1914, and the tenderly memorialized years that care before it, like mere glimpses of a distant life. She remembered bedtime stories and the one-off moments that had frightened or surprised or somehow otherwise wormed inside her psyche but she’d not give up the decade between just to go back. 

“I’ll just take having everyone home,” Clara answered. 

“That all?” Finn asked, shaking his head at her. “Can’t believe it would be. I imagine you’re wanting highest marks and employee of the month and a new horse an--”

“That’s what’s most important,” Clara answered, nodding a few times to settle it in her mind. “Fuck the marks and Tommy’s accounting ledgers. I’d just like them all home.” 

Finn smiled. “And I’d like for them to take us seriously for once,” he said. “It’s only Esme who ever really listens.”

“Yeah, cause she’s not an idiot,” Clara said. “And cause she’s nearly the youngest in her own family. She knows what a shit hand it is.” 

“Ah, well, I wouldn’t know much about that,” Finn said. “It’s you who’s the baby.”

Clara shook her head, a smile on her face despite the words she offered. “Fuck off, Finn.” 

Finn smirked at his sister. “Come now, Clara. We’re sitting on mum’s grave, on her birthday of all days, and you’ve gone and cursed twice in less than a minute. What’ll she think of us?”

“It’s been quite a fucking year, Finn. I think she’ll understand.” 

“Yeah,” he echoed. “Quite a fucking year.” 

Finn watched, quiet as his sister etched two words into the bottom of the page, the twins’ wishes for the next year summed up with two simple words, home and respect. 

-----

Read more Little Lady Blinder here.

-----

🏷:

@beautycinders​ @buckybluebarnes @cecii22me​ @lovemissyhoneybee​ @marquelapage​ @midnight-dreams-23​ @mo-onstarrs​ @ohhersheybars​ @pollyrepents​ @unicorndetective22

[narrans]

A Tall and Small Collection | Soren | Bottlecaps and Borrowers

The four days that followed were tense, but manageable. She evidently was able to work from the apartment as she saw fit, and so was more present than Soren initially anticipated. He suspected there were times she was in the apartment when he was borrowing, which was somewhat unnerving.

Thankfully, she didn’t hover Soren was able to spend time resting quietly and Ashlynn kept to herself except during meals when she brought Soren part of what she prepared for herself.

His original clothing was in disgusting, unrecoverable tatters, so Ashlynn had brought him some fabric pieces so he could fashion a new shirt and pants which were easier to maneuver in with his cast. On one of the days, she brought a bowl of warmed water and a towel so he could clean himself – something he was immensely grateful for.

During these four days, Ashlynn took advantage of asking him questions; however, the questions were random and seemingly meaningless. Ashlynn asked simple things like his preference of food and if he liked his current sleeping arrangement on the soft bundle of cloth. She asked if he needed any supplies to keep him occupied or if he would rather be placed somewhere else other than her bedside table.

Soren was reluctant to utter any other words to Ashlynn after their deal – at first – but he could find no reason to refuse after the first day; and being asked simple seemingly meaningless questions in some way reminded Soren of his younger brothers. There was nothing revealing about borrower kind by telling Ashlynn his favorite color was a pale mint green. Their conversations were minimal, but still present.

He hated to admit it, but speaking to someone felt nice and he noticed the tremor in his voice and shaking in his torso dissipating gradually. He maintained his guard and refused to take anything for granted, but his breath wasn’t hitching the way it used to – for better or worse.

Also during those four days, Soren had something on his mind; a dangerous question he wanted the answer to and yet he was wary of what answer he may receive. Did Ashlynn already know about borrowers? And, if so, how?

Each time Ashlynn came into the room for something or another, Soren felt the urge to ask; yet refrained every time. Perhaps it was a lingering apprehension toward humans; or maybe he didn’t want to know the answer.

It wasn’t until dinner on the fifth day that Ashlynn sighed after giving him several long, passive stares and directed her full attention to him.

“What?” she asked with a touch of indignance. Soren, who hadn’t realized he was staring, looked down at his thimble quickly. “Naw, don’t give me that. You’ve been staring for days like you want to say something. Did I break one of the rules? Am I in trouble? What?”

Soren, hearing some tension in her voice, felt a nervousness creeping back over him. He knew he didn’t like to be watched, but it was a strange realization that a human could be unnerved with the same action. Feeling like he didn’t want to make circumstances worse, he cleared his throat and elected to ask his question.

“It’s…” Soren readjusted, finding it hard to find the right words in the moment. “It’s just that you don’t seem that… surprised at seeing someone… like me.” Ashlynn’s brow furrowed and her eyes narrowed in confusion for a moment.

“Like you?” she asked.

“Yeah, like me. You know, a B…” Soren caught himself before he said the word “Borrower.” He took a breath as his chest tightened. “A tiny. Someone my size.” He hated to call himself “tiny,” but it was the first thing he could think of that described his form next to Ashlynn. For a moment, Soren worried that Ashlynn wasn’t taking the information well and that, possibly, she thought he was implying that she had done something to a Borrower in the past; but, before he could explain, he watched her features soften.

Ashlynn leaned back slightly, her eyes distant, and she sighed. “No, I haven’t come across anyone your size.” Soren found himself sighing in relief while his mind continued to feel muddled – until Ashlyn began to continue. “At least… not really.”

Soren’s eyes snapped up to Ashlynn. [Not really? What does ‘not really’ mean?] Ashlynn noticed Soren’s change and voluntarily continued explaining.

“My great-grandmother on my dad’s side lived on her own and was convinced that there were, as she described them, ‘tiny people’ who lived in the walls. She said she saw them and heard them. I was really young at the time and she was a lot older and was suffering from memory loss. I didn’t think anything of it, but,” Ashlynn paused, pressing her lips together until they were a very thin line.

“But?” pressed Soren, his curiosity getting the better of him. Ashlynn blinked away the memory and looked over to Soren, not holding his gaze for long.

“But, I thought I saw some… one… once.” Ashlynn’s words hung in the air. [So… she has seen a Borrower before.] “It was only for a second and I was really young. I’m still not sure what I saw; but, after hearing my great-grandmother talk, it sounds like she wasn’t wrong.” Ashlynn inhaled deeply and sighed, deep in thought and nostalgia. Soren looked away, now feeling slightly intrusive, began wondering what a great-grandmother was.

Was she a favorite grandmother? Was she better that the other in some way? Soren didn’t know and felt uneasy at asking another question. He was so lost in thought that he didn’t hear Ashlynn ask him a question and a sharp snap brought him out of his trance.

“What?” asked Soren, dazed.

“I said what were your great-grandparents like?” asked Ashlynn. “Did you know them?” Soren had to think for a moment, feeling a knot form in his stomach. Ashlynn was getting dangerously close to personal information; yet, at the same time, she seemed to already suspect Soren wasn’t the only one of his kind in existence.

“I… I don’t think I have one of those,” he muttered. “I mean, I only knew my dad’s father, so I guess he would be my great-grandparent.” Ashlynn’s expression exploded from concerned to highly amused. She pressed her hand to her face and began to laugh. Soren, completely confused, felt himself bristle as she must be laughing at his expense without him noticing.

“I’m sorry… I shouldn’t be laughing. No,” said Ashlynn as she gasped for air, an immense grin on her face. “A great-grandparent is your grandparent’s parents. Not a favorite.”

“Oh,” muttered Soren. “I… well then, no. I didn’t know my great-grandfather.” He didn’t realize he folded his arms across his chest.

“Aww, no. Don’t be like that. I said I was sorry. Really,” said Ashlynn. Soren, still looking down, shrugged. He couldn’t help but think about what little he knew about his grandfather and how all of that wouldn’t be possible now. He found himself thinking of his brothers and wondering where they were and if they would remember him in their stories to their children.

“It… it’s okay. Just another reminder that…” Soren felt his throat constrict involuntarily. He cleared it nervously and shifted as his eyes began burning. He hurriedly rubbed his averted eyes. “Never mind.” Ashlynn, now very quiet, stared at him curiously and no longer in amusement. They shared silence for a time before Ashlynn broke the barrier.

“What did you call him?” she asked. “Your grandfather, I mean. Did you call him gramps, or grandfather?” Soren had to think about it for a moment, recalling the faded memory.

“Pops,” he muttered. “I called him Pops, and he always had a soda pop shield that he let me play with sometimes; but that’s been years ago.”

“The metal kind?” asked Ashlynn. Soren let a smile tug at the corner of his lip.

“Yeah,” he replied. They exchanged a thoughtful look – one Soren hadn’t had experienced in a long time – and let the silence surround them again. After a few minutes, Ashlynn readjusted and grabbed the dishes from dinner. Before leaving, she glanced back at Soren.

“Do… you want to come with me to the kitchen? I mean… I don’t know if you want company or if you’d rather be alone.” Ashlynn’s offer took Soren by surprise. He thought for a moment. The same apprehension he felt toward Ashlynn was quickly dissipating, but why he didn’t know. “I wouldn’t touch your or anything – rules and stuff. I’d just bring the box and let you sit or stand or whatever.” Soren swallowed dryly.

“I… no thank you,” he said, instantly feeling guilty at the pained look in Ashlynn’s eyes. “Wait!” Ashlynn stopped dead in her tracks at Soren’s sudden shout. “What I meant was… no thank you… for now. I’m just a bit tired now and want to get some sleep. But… maybe tomorrow?”

Ashlynn said nothing. She barely glanced back to catch his eye, but Soren could have sworn he saw a smile crest over the edge of her face and her head was held a little higher as she left the room.

Soren, unsure of what possessed him, laid back on the makeshift bed. What was he doing? Agreeing to let the human take him somewhere? That was insane! Still, Soren couldn’t help but feel like something happened during their conversation this day. He slipped into sleep in an instant and welcomed the abyss behind his eyes.

He didn’t hear Ashlynn come in or get ready for bed. He didn’t notice when she awoke and went to the kitchen for the morning. What he did notice was the metal bottlecap from some red soda bottle sitting near his bed. Soren pulled the hefty piece closer and inspected it, instantly nostalgic. Emotion pricked the corners of his eyes and a single thought crept into his mind as he wiped his eyes. [Okay… maybe she’s not so bad for a human.]

Continue

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Beginning

[tcm]

Overlooked Bernard Herrmann Scores By Jessica Pickens

His name is synonymous with staccato violin notes that remind audiences of knife stabbing and have made many reluctant to take a shower. Composer Bernard Herrmann is the master behind iconic scores for films like THE DEVIL AND DANIEL WEBSTER (’41) and PSYCHO (’60). The Academy Award-winning composer scored the two films that are often argued to be the best of all-time: CITIZEN KANE (’41) and VERTIGO (’58). His work continues to be reused in pop culture, from his whistling TWISTED NERVE (’68) theme used in Quentin Tarantino’s KILL BILL: VOLUME 1 (2003) to Lady Gaga using part of VERTIGO’s prelude in her “Born This Way” music video.

Known best for his collaborations with directors Alfred Hitchcock and Orson Welles, other works of Herrmann’s often go overlooked. Below are a few of his scores that are less often discussed.

JANE EYRE (’43)

In this adaptation of Charlotte Brontë’s novel, Jane Eyre (Joan Fontaine), who is hired by the wealthy Edward Rochester (Orson Welles), works as the governess for Rochester’s daughter which leads to her discovering secrets in the house. “On a project like ‘Jane Eyre,’ I didn’t need to see the film beforehand. One just remembers the book,” Herrmann said in a 1975 interview, discussing this film’s score.

JANE EYRE was Herrmann’s first project with 20th Century-Fox, which started a 19-year partnership with the studio and a long friendship with composer and Fox music director Alfred Newman. Fox studio head Darryl F. Zanuck initially sought composer Igor Stravinsky to score the film, but negotiations fell through. Producer David O. Selznick and Welles were the driving force behind hiring Herrmann for the project, according to Herrmann’s biographer Steven Smith.

Herrmann’s score has a dark, gothic feel that matches the theme of the novel. New York Herald Tribune composer critic Paul Bowles described the score as “gothic extravagance and poetic morbidities. It contains some of the most carefully wrought effects to be found in recent film scores,” Bowles wrote. According to Smith, Herrmann called it his first “screen opera.” The score foreshadowed work on another Brontë project — his “Wuthering Heights” opera that didn’t see a full theatrical performance until 2011.

ON DANGEROUS GROUND (‘51)

Directed by Nicholas Ray, an adaptation of Gerald Butler’s book Mad with Much Heart. The film follows a rough city police officer, Jim Wilson (Robert Ryan). After Jim is too violent with a suspect, he is sent to a rural area as punishment. His job is to help with a manhunt for the murderer of a child. A blind woman, Mary Malden (Ida Lupino) is the sister of the murderer, and she tries to convince Jim to protect her brother.

ON DANGEROUS GROUND is one of Herrmann’s few film noir scores. Film noir expert and host of TCM’s Noir Alley Eddie Muller said, "Herrmann's score is one of the most distinctive crime scores of the era." In a June 2019 introduction of the film, Muller noted “Herrmann’s score is unlike any other music written for film noir. A dramatic clash of brass, strings and percussion that goes a long way to unify the film’s unusual — almost schizophrenia — structure.”

Herrmann admired Ray’s storytelling and engineered a creative score that illustrated good and evil. For Lupino’s character, Herrmann used the viola soloist Virginia Majewski, who Herrmann advocated to have on-screen credit. Herrmann also had the rare freedom to compose, orchestra and conduct the entire score. The most notable cue is “The Death Hunt,” that has a driving, frantic tempo and can be compared to his later NORTH BY NORTHWEST (’59) score. Muller noted that to make sure “The Death Hunt” cue was effective, Herrmann fought to have the sound mix corrected during the scene so that the barking dogs wouldn’t drown out his score.

THE SNOWS OF KILIMANJARO (1952)

Based on an Ernest Hemingway short story, Gregory Peck plays Harry, a novelist who uses his earnings to travel. While on safari in Africa, Harry suffers an injury that results in a deadly infection. As he lies dying, he thinks back on his life and past romances, and his safari companion Helen, played by Susan Hayward, nurses Harry through his illness.

While some of Herrmann’s most famous scores drive thrillers and adventures, scores like THE SNOWS OF KILIMANJARO show he can create beautiful, gentle and charming tunes. His cues are dreamy and wistful, matching the mental state of the ill Harry, whose mind travels to the past while on his death bed. Herrmann’s cue entitled, “The Memory Waltz,” is particularly dreamy. Herrmann said he tried to create music of “a highly nostalgic nature” as a man dies and deals with his “emotional past.”

On the film’s release, New York Times film critic Bosley Crowther praised Herrmann’s score. “For it is Mr. Herrmann’s music, singing sadly and hauntingly, that helps one sense the pathos of dead romances and a wasted career. A saxophone and a piano in a Paris studio, an accordion on an old Left Bank bar and an arrogant guitarist in a Spanish café—these are also actors in the film. Perhaps they come closer to stating what Hemingway had to say.”

MARNIE (1964)

Marnie (Tippi Hedren) is a thief who suffers from psychological trauma of her past, which comes to a head after she marries a widower (Sean Connery) from a wealthy Philadelphia family who does not readily accept her. MARNIE was the end of an era. It marked the last of seven films that Herrmann collaborated on with director Alfred Hitchcock on, beginning with THE TROUBLE WITH HARRY (’55).

Much had changed for both Herrmann and Hitchcock by 1964, including how they were both viewed by Hollywood executives. Herrmann and Hitchcock were being pressured to be more “hip” for 1960s audiences. The studio even urged Hitchcock not to hire “old-fashioned” Herrmann. But if Hitchcock did hire Herrmann, they encouraged him to also have a title pop song, according to Smith. The film was a box-office failure — Hitchcock’s first failure in many years. Today, the film is now appreciated by audiences, but Herrmann’s score still is often overlooked when compared to other Hitchcock titles.

The main title of MARNIE features blaring horns, which sound haphazard against more melodic violins — illustrating the mix of trauma and beauty. A notable cue is “The Foxhunt,” which begins with a jaunty, almost cheerful, tune filled with horns and violins. But the cue turns more haphazard and frantic as it continues. While this was Herrmann’s last completed score for Hitchcock, Herrmann started work on TORN CURTAIN (’66) but was replaced due to artistic differences.

IT’S ALIVE (’74)

The Davies family (Sharon Farrell and John P. Ryan) are expecting their second child. But when their baby is born, he is a monster who kills anyone in his path. The 1970s marked a new era for Bernard Herrmann. He began working with younger filmmakers who appreciated his work of the past. These included Martin Scorsese and Brian De Palma. One of these collaborations spawned a friendship with director of IT’S ALIVE, Larry Cohen, who cited Herrmann as a major influence in his career up until his death in 2019.

Herrmann enjoyed the experience with his film because he enjoyed working with Cohen. To add to the eerie, creepy vibe of the film, Herrmann incorporated a Moog synthesizer into the score. He also uses a viola for a mournful note, according to Smith. Herrmann also had fun naming his cues, such as “The Milkman Goeth” when the baby kills the milkman.

Herrmann was set to work with Cohen again for the film GOD TOLD ME TO (’76), but Herrmann died in 1975 before he could begin.

[grimm-the-tiger]

Has anyone ever noticed that My Head is an Animal can actually make for a pretty cohesive story if you rearrange the songs a bit? Let me explain. 

So take “From Finner”, “Numb Bears” and “Lakehouse”. You could go two ways here, the fantastical and the non-fantastical; I’m going with fantastical because that’s more interesting. I’m also playing fast and loose with who’s actually narrating the song. 

So “From Finner” is about a whale with a house on its back which, even for Of Monsters and Men, is kind of a strange concept, but note the lines “I knew I was safe from then on out” and the way the whale is (possibly?) characterized as being a protective figure. 

“Numb Bears” is weird and kind of stands out, so I initially didn’t know where to put it; I eventually put it early on because of its cheerful tone, so I assume this is probably the protagonist’s childhood and them letting their imagination get to them. 

“Lakehouse” has an almost nostalgic tone to it, like the protagonist is reminiscing on this childhood. I imagine that’s when they meet the subject of “Love Love Love”, who they likely grew up with but never felt the same way towards them that they felt towards the protagonist. 

“Love Love Love” is...”Love Love Love”. If you’ve heard the song, it’s probably the least lyrically weird of all of Of Monsters and Men’s song, seemingly just being a simple song about unrequited love. 

“Sloom” comes next. Just because the protagonist doesn’t love this person the way they love the protagonist doesn’t mean they can’t still be close, so she starts narrating her earlier life with seemingly an abusive parent (most people normally cite the line ”The carpet on my cheek feels like a forest” for evidence on this). Their friend does the same, hence the line “so love me mother, so love me father, and love my sister/brother as well”. This implies that the protagonist and possibly her friend ran away to Finner because of their parents, or were otherwise abandoned by them (”the sea said goodbye to the shore so the sun/son wouldn’t notice”). Presumably, this song also describes their first meeting (”I met a man today, and he smiled back at me”). 

Then there’s “Mountain Sound”. Not sure where to put this one either; I assume they’ve run into trouble, so the protagonist and her friend are on the run. This is also, presumably, why they’ve left their childhood behind, and why the slower, calmer nostalgia of these songs has faded into “Mountain Sound”’s frantic, energetic pace. This is also where they’re first introduced to the darkness of the world (”Some had scars and some had scratches/that made me wonder about their past/and as I looked around/I began to notice/that we were nothing like the rest”), which draws them into... 

“Six Weeks”. While this song was actually apparently written about this Frontier guy who survived for like a month in the woods after he got mauled by a bear, it could still be fit into the story. It’s likely the protagonist and her friend have been traveling for a while at this point (”Let go/lay to rest/we fall, we fall, we fall to the ground”, “So get up/shake the rust/we crawl, we crawl, we crawl on the ground”). They also seem to have decided to return home (”coming back/I’m coming back”, “she follows me into the woods/takes me home”). 

“Dirty Paws” is next. Technically, going by the way the story’s told, it could just as easily be set in the early parts, but a), the music’s pacing doesn’t fit, and b), I really want to tie it into “King and Lionheart”, because it could just as easily be the dragonfly’s son being a friend of theirs and telling them that their home is in ruins because of a war (“The forest that once was green was colored black by their killing machines”). Given that the first song is about a whale with a house on its back, we can dismiss the animal thing as just being part of the story. 

This moves into “King and Lionheart”, when the protagonist and her friend decide to join in the fight for their home (”Taking over this town/they should worry”). By this point, they’ve become extremely close, as close as siblings or lovers, and fear nothing as long as the other’s by their side (”And as the world comes to an end/I’ll be here to hold your hand/cause you’re my king and I’m your lionheart”). 

Then we get to “Your Bones”. The war is over, but the protagonist is alone. She’s lost her closest friend (”the birds all left, my tall friend/as your body hit the sand”), seemingly having either been abandoned by their allies or their allies having come too late (”a million stars up in the sky/formed a tiger’s eye/that looked down on my face/out of time and out of place”). We get to the supernatural aspect of the whole thing that comes into play in “Little Talks”, with the dead friend trying to tell the protagonist to keep going (”so hold on/hold on to what we are/hold on to your heart”), as well as more reminiscing or otherwise describing the funeral (”In the spring we made a boat/out of feathers out of bones/we set fire to our homes/walking backwards in the snow”). 

Then, of course, there’s the one you’ve been waiting for, the magnum opus, “Little Talks”. The protagonist is grieving her friend. She’s returned to the nostalgic, contemplative style of before, but with the same frantic tone as the other songs after “Sloom”. Her friend, meanwhile, is begging her to hold on and keep going, reminding her of their childhood (”We used to play outside when we were young/and full of life and full of love”) to keep her sanity from further slipping (”Some days I don’t know if I am wrong or right/your mind is playing tricks on you my dear”). The boat thing from “Your Bones” comes back (”Cause though the truth may vary/this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore”). The friend also seems to realize that their communication is just making things worse, reminding her of what she’s lost (”Don’t listen to a word I say/the screams all sound the same”). 

But this isn’t the end, no. Now we move on to “Slow and Steady”. With her friend no longer speaking to her, she’s alone and feels forsaken, cut off from the world. (”The lights go out/I am all alone/all the trees outside are buried in the snow”). She reminisces on their past, hence the song’s slower pace. But she’s...calmer now. She’s accepted it and moved on, even if it still hurts inside her, because she’ll see her friend again someday (”And I move slow and steady/but I feel like a waterfall/and I move slow and steady/past the ones that we used to know”). 

Finally, the grand finale, “Yellow Light”. We go back to the same tone and pacing as “Love Love Love”. The protagonist has died and reunited with her friend in the afterlife (”I’m looking for a place to start/but everything feels so different now” “Just grab ahold of my hand/I will lead you through this wonderland”). But the afterlife is kind of terrible (”Just follow my yellow light/and ignore all those big warning signs”, “Somewhere deep in the dark/a howling beast hears us talk”). The latter lyric is followed by describing colors and a blinding light, and “soft walls eat[ing] us alive”, which can be interpreted many different ways, but I interpret it as them being reborn; the soft walls are the womb, and the light is that of the living world as they’re born once more to start the cycle over again. 

[somegirlsnerdywords2]

Anime i’ve Watched

That begin with a O (Part 1)!

Yep this is how i’m going to bring over all the anime and manga i’ve watched and posted about on the old blog. It’s not so detailed but it will have to do. Anything new I watch or read from this point on will have their own posts.

Ojisan to Marshmallow:

Genres: Slice of Life, Comedy, Romance, TV Short

Synopsis: Habahiro Hige is a simple-minded older man who works an office job and is an enthusiast of Tabekko Marshmallows. His days often consist of being teased by his 24-year-old colleague Iori Wakabayashi, who uses his obsession to her advantage: from eating them in front of his face, to buying out his favorite brand from the convenience store, and even embarrassing him in front of their boss. Although her friends cannot fathom what she sees in him, she just cannot get over his marshmallow-like, fluffy frame. No matter the lengths it takes, Iori will find a way to get his attention. Little does Habahiro know that she is trying to seduce him into a romantic relationship with her. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, right? At least this is what Iori would honestly like to believe. With a bag in hand, Iori continues to make him chase after her day after day, hoping that he will finally see through her attempts. Will he ever realize that their relationship can become s'more? [Written by MAL Rewrite]

My Rating: 9/10

Finished airing in 2016 with a total of 12, 3 minute long episodes. 

My Thoughts: A cute, bite sized anime with feeling. Something light and short to watch on a bad day. 

Omoide Poroporo (Only Yesterday):

Genres: Slice of Life, Drama, Romance, Film

Synopsis:  Taeko Okajima is a 27-year-old, independent woman who spent her entire life in Tokyo. Looking to unwind from the rush of the big city, she decides to visit her family in the country to help out during the harvest. On the train there, Taeko vividly recalls her memories as a schoolgirl in the initial stages of puberty, as if she is on a trip with her childhood self. A young farmer named Toshio picks her up at the station, and they quickly develop a friendship. During her stay, Taeko forms strong bonds with family and friends, learning the contrasts between urban and rural life, as well as the struggles and joys of farming. Nostalgic and bittersweet, Omoide Poroporo takes on Taeko's journey as an adult woman coming to terms with her childhood dreams compared to the person she is today.

My Rating: 9/10

A film released in 1991. 

My Thoughts: One of the lesser known films by Studio Ghibli and well it didn’t leave that big of an impact on me it was still an experience to watch and one i’m thankful for. 

Onigiri: 

Genres: Comedy, Supernatural, Fantasy, TV Short

Synopsis:  Ancient Japan is under attack by powerful beings called "Kamikui," and it is up to the "Oni" and his band of eight beautiful female warriors to stop them. Each of these girls have unique skills, abilities, and personalities. They partner themselves with the Oni, Jin, to stop the miasma of darkness sweeping across Japan. Onigiri follows the escapades of Jin and his merry companions as they strengthen their bonds and fend off the demonic invasion. [Written by MAL Rewrite]

(Couldn’t find a gif, the one above is not from the anime.)

My Rating: 7/10

Finished airing in 2016 with a total of 13, 4 minute long episodes.

My Thoughts: Meh. Can’t remember a thing. 

Ookami Kodomo no Ame to Yuki (Wolf Children):

Genres: Fantasy, Slice of Life, Film

Synopsis: Hana, a hard-working college student, falls in love with a mysterious man who attends one of her classes though he is not an actual student. As it turns out, he is not truly human either. On a full moon night, he transforms, revealing that he is the last werewolf alive. Despite this, Hana's love remains strong, and the two ultimately decide to start a family. Hana gives birth to two healthy children—Ame, born during rainfall, and Yuki, born during snowfall—both possessing the ability to turn into wolves, a trait inherited from their father. All too soon, however, the sudden death of her lover devastates Hana's life, leaving her to raise a peculiar family completely on her own. The stress of raising her wild-natured children in a densely populated city, all while keeping their identity a secret, culminates in a decision to move to the countryside, where she hopes Ame and Yuki can live a life free from the judgments of society. Wolf Children is the heartwarming story about the challenges of being a single mother in an unforgiving modern world. [Written by MAL Rewrite]

My Rating: 9/10

A film released in 2012.

My Thoughts: Like movies that make you cry and have a bit of an odd concept? This film may in fact be for you! Nice art and a touching story.

Orange:

Genres: Sci-fi, Drama, Romance, School, Shoujo

Synopsis:  Naho Takamiya's first day of her sophomore year of high school is off to an uneasy start. After waking up late, she receives a strange letter addressed to her. However, the letter is from herself—10 years in the future! At first, Naho is skeptical of the note; yet, after witnessing several events described to take place, she realizes the letter really is from her 26-year-old self. The note details that Naho's future life is filled with regrets, and she hopes that her younger self can correct the mistakes that were made in the past. The letter also warns her to keep a close eye on the new transfer student, Kakeru Naruse. Naho must be especially careful in making decisions involving him, as Kakeru is not around in the future. With the letter as her guide, Naho now has the power to protect Kakeru before she comes to regret it once more. [Written by MAL Rewrite]

My Rating: 8/10

Finished airing in 2016 with a total of 13 episodes. 

My Thoughts: I loved the manga... I honestly have no idea why I only gave the anime an 8... Maybe the story just had less impact the 2nd time around? Not a clue. 

Ore Monogatari!! (My Love Story):

Genres: Comedy, Romance, Shoujo

Synopsis: With his muscular build and tall stature, Takeo Gouda is not exactly your average high school freshman. However, behind his intimidating appearance hides a heart of gold, and he is considered a hero by the boys for his courage and chivalry. Unfortunately, these traits do not help much with his love life. As if his looks are not enough to scare the opposite sex away, Takeo's cool and handsome best friend and constant companion Makoto Sunakawa easily steals the hearts of the female students—including every girl Takeo has ever liked. When Takeo gallantly saves cute and angelic Rinko Yamato from being molested, he falls in love with her instantly, but suspects that she might be interested in Sunakawa. With his own love for Yamato continuing to bloom, Takeo unselfishly decides to act as her cupid, even as he yearns for his own love story. [Written by MAL Rewrite]

My Rating: 9.5/10

Finished airing in 2015 with a total of 24 episodes. 

My Thoughts: I freaking loved this anime!! The male lead wasn’t your typical pretty boy, all of the characters were wonderful in their own ways and the relationship between the two leads was painfully adorable. Big fan of this title!

[charliejrogers]

Klaus (2019) Review & Analysis

I remember recently discussing with my fiancée how, though there have undoubtedly been a number of Christmas movies released in the last twenty years, none have really risen to the level of a “classic” – something you would want to watch every year as part of a tradition. It’s true I have not seen it, but still something tells me that 2008’s Reese Witherspoon vehicle Four Christmases is not on anyone’s annual watchlist… nor 2017’s Mel Gibson-infested Daddy’s Home 2. We concluded that the last “classic” was 2003’s Elf. And, while Christmas movies don’t have to mention Jesus or religion obviously, please don’t try to tell me that Frozen is a Christmas movie… it’s not! In some ways, given how secular things are, I began to wonder if there even was a market for holiday family fun movies, but of course, I’m an idiot because you can just make a whole movie about Santa Claus. Move over, Jesus, we gotta talk about the reason for the season!

Klaus released last holiday season on Netflix and at least in Chicago I saw billboards for it everywhere. Netflix went all in on promoting this as the next big Christmas movie and had some moderate success; they even grabbed an Oscar nom for best animated picture. Unlike most animated films these days, Klaus was made by neither DreamWorks nor Disney, and it shows. It lacks the refined polish of a Disney/Pixar feature, but also has a heart unlike a DreamWorks picture. The animation style can be best described as a hybrid of 2D and 3D (yet not quite 2.5D). At times the character models look like classic hand-drawn 2D models set within a mostly computer-generated 3D environment. But at other times, they look more 3D. It’s confusing to describe, and inconsistent to watch. It often felt like I was watching a compromise between a studio that wanted a distinct animation style but didn’t have the budget to fully realize it. Still, more often the not it’s a pretty movie.

More than the raw visuals, the movie has a fantastic sense of atmosphere… perhaps even too much at the beginning. Klaus is, in one sense, the story about how a lonely woodsman becomes the legendary Santa Claus, but for such a jolly premise, much of the film is shrouded in shadows and dominated by an oppressive, cold, snowy bleakness. In retrospect, this makes sense as the true triumph of Santa and “Christmas spirit” can only be best appreciated when it brings light to the darkest of places and times. Still, upon first viewing, I was quite surprised and shocked by the dark atmosphere and downright violent imagery on display at the beginning of the film, so much so that I was wondering if this really was a Christmas movie!

The darkness stems from the fact that our woodsman Klaus lives deep within the forest on a far north island, far far from the closest village which is a town called Smeerensberg and is famous for its never ending feuding and wickedness. It’s a genuine Nineveh of the North so it seems. The town’s feud centers around two rivalling clans (the film’s equivalent of the Hatfields & McCoys) and every villager belongs to one clan or the other. The two families’ feuds go back longer than anyone can remember (cave paintings exist that depict their feud), implying an original sin of sorts with the town being more born from hatred than spawning it. Hatred is so foundational that it infects every part of society. Unwilling to allow children to interact with the rival clans in classrooms, children just don’t go to school. Instead, they roam the streets playing pranks on old people and stabbing snowmen with carrots.

For the most part, Klaus lives his life separate from and unbothered by these unruly residents of Smeerensberg. What breaks his solitude is the arrival of a new post officer to Smeerensberg. More than a trivial side character, this post officer, Jesper Johansson, is surprisingly the main character of this movie all about the origins of Santa Claus.

Much like the residents of Smeerensberg, we the audience come to the film with a primary misunderstanding, much of what makes Santa famous today (the home invasion via chimney, the responding to letters, the reindeer-pulled sleigh) were the creative inventions of a spoiler-brat-turned-postman. So despite this movie being about the origins of Santa Claus, being a Christmas movie, you should have guessed that this will be some variant on Dickens’ classic tale. Jesper isn’t a classic Scrooge in that he doesn’t abhor Christmas, but he is self-absorbed, materialistic, and all-around not a great guy. He’s the spoiled son of a successful postal worker who controls a postal empire that looks more like an army. (The true fantasy of this movie has nothing do with sleigh bells and stocking stuffers… it’s the idea that the post office is a well-organized, well-respected, successful enterprise.) Anyways, recognizing his own son’s worthlessness, Jesper’s father decides to whip him into shape, ship him off to the God-forsaken land of Smeerensberg with an ultimatum: Jesper must process 6,000 letters from the town of Smeerensberg in a year or else be cut off from his father’s wealth. The problem? With how ugly the feud is in Smeerensberg, no one needs to write a letter to express their feelings when a cold snowball to the face (or worse) will get the point across quite clearly.

So now with the spoiled postal heir longing for silk sheets as he tries to survive out in the cold boonies, the movie gets a hint of the Emperor’s New Groove flavor… sans llama. It is only by sheer “chance” (we’ll get to that) that when Jesper visits the woodsman in a last ditch effort to find one person on the island who wants to send a letter, a piece of paper falls out of Jesper’s bag as he flees in horror of the woodsman (we’ll get to that).  This piece of paper contains a drawing that a little boy made of himself locked in a high tower looking sad. In a very humorous scene, we had seen Jesper accidentally stumble across this drawing and then unsuccessfully try to scam the boy into giving him money so that Jesper could “mail” it back to him, rather than just give it back. Regardless, recognizing the little boy’s suffering, the woodsman decides to do something about it and enlists Jesper’s help. Luckily for the children of Smeerensberg, the woodsman has a barn full of toys. Yes, “a barn full of toys” is as creepy as that sounds and the films uses that creepiness to full effect when Jesper first meets the woodsman. The large, imposing, hooded, axe-bearing woodsman is far from the jolly fellow we know he is destined to become. He’s downright scary and given how violent the town of Smeerensberg is (Jesper almost dies when he first arrives because he’s tricked into ringing the war bell which sends the whole town into violent frenzy), we and Jesper are not wrong to assume the woodsman holds only ill-intentions. Essentially, the first meeting with the woodsman is supposed to be something akin to the reveal of the Beast in 1991’s Beauty & the Beast, a film so scary it sent my then two-year-old sister running out of theater in tears. Ultimately, I can’t speak for the mind of a child, but the tension for me here is certainly lessened by the fact that… well… we know the woodsman is Santa Claus. So even though Jesper is scared shitless and flees after meeting the woodsman, we know that there will be more to their story.

Still, even if not necessarily scary, the film does successfully shroud the woodsman in mystery, and his backstory is slowly and beautifully revealed throughout the film. I won’t spoil it here, but the script does a fantastic job of contextualizing the woodman’s stoic and aloof nature and explaining why that barn is so full of toys. The explanations come naturally and speak to a real human pain that I was not expecting from this film. In terms of emotion, the woodsman’s backstory almost reaches the opening montage to Up. ALMOST, I said, so put down the pitchforks!

So Jesper and the woodsman team up to deliver a present to that first child from the drawing. Or more accurately, the woodsman throws Jesper down a chimney to deliver a present while the woodsman looks on. The ensuing scene when the boy opens his present brought tears to my eyes. The woodsman (and we with him) watching the pure joy of a child receiving a present is truly nostalgic in its most literal sense. It hurts to see such joy, remembering that at one time you too could feel such joy from a hunk of plastic, and knowing you will never feel that way again. It’s a joy that few films outside of A Christmas Story with its the red rider BB gun really nail. Anyways, the little boy sees the woodsman through the window and finds his original drawing of himself locked in the tower which the woodsman leaves behind by accident. He surmises that the postman had devliered his drawing to the woodsman, and the woodsman responded with a present.

After that… well the rumor spreads wildly of the mysterious woodsman who comes down chimneys at night to give presents to children in response to letters. Now, the once dormant post office becomes a bustling hub of activity as children from all over flock to send letters to this Mr. Klaus. Kids even beg to go to school so that they can learn to write in order to get presents (much to the dismay of the disilliusioned teacher who long ago gave up on her dreams of teaching in a town where no child goes to school and had turned to being a fishmonger in order to pay the bills and one day afford to leave the town for good).

Gradually the children, who seemingly had no toys prior to Klaus and Jesper’s escapades, now joyously play together, regardless of which clan they belong to. Initially this upsets their parents greatly, but in the end it’s hard to really hate the parents of your children’s friends. The film promotes an age-appropriate and inspiring, if fanciful and naïve, notion that all the world’s problems would be solved if we all thought like children. As by spreading joy throughout the town, Jesper and Klaus inadvertently make the town a better place to live. It’s the theme of the film (not that they’re subtle about it): one act of good-will always begets another (or something like that). Still, all this doesn’t please the village elders, who abhor the change from the town’s hateful origins. They will ultimately serve as villains trying to put an end to all this gift-giving business.

Of course, there’s another villain of sorts, as well. Despite all the good he’s doing, Jesper is ultimately still motivated mostly by the notion of getting back to his old cushioned life. He is essentially using Klaus and preying on his kindness in order to launch himself back to a life of selfishness. It’s here the story feels most Dickensian, particularly in a scene where the school teacher (now love interest) acts functionally the same to the ghost of Christmas present and takes Jesper to the city center to see for himself the love and joy that he has helped bring to the world. But, still his desires to go home are strong, and, of course, he keeps them a secret. So between Jesper’s inner conflict about where he belongs in life and the external conflict of the community trying to fight back against a change in its culture, the film naturally comes to climax when the two conflicts meet and Jesper must confront both challenges at once.

What I’ve realized in writing this review … is that I am very impressed by the plot’s complexity and depth. The film weaves together at least three solid story arcs (Jesper’s coming-of-age/Scrooge-like-change-of-heart, Smeerenberg’s bubbling kindness revolution, and the woodsman’s aged hero who finds redemption and purpose after so many years alone). That all three feel fully supported and without any bloat is a testament to its absolutely solid writing, and for a kid’s film no less! Furthermore, the “origin” story genre can sometimes fall flat as it can just feel like the writers are writing more Wikipedia entries, explaining how every little aspect came to be more than just telling a good story. I call it the Han Solo trap. As for Klaus, the little tidbits about why Klaus uses reindeer and not horses, who the “elves” who work his workshop are, always clever and grow organically from the plot.

Plus, despite my opening doubts regarding whether the dark tone really fit a “Christmas” movie, the film very capably captures the joys of the Christmas season. Like Christians think about Jesus, Klaus/Jesper bring a world of light into a world of darkness. The film teaches about the importance of creating a loving community, of being selfless, and most importantly of respecting the spiritual aspect of the season. Even if this is a decidedly capitalistic/entrepreneurial movie, the film is not without a spiritual side. The previously mentioned “chance” of the woodsman seeing that initial drawing of the boy locked in the tower is no chance at all. Instead, throughout the film we see that the woodsman is “haunted” in a sense by a ghostly wind that points him in the path of righteousness. The film has its own explanation for what the force behind the wind is, but it is not too far of a stretch to point out the similarities between the wind and the Christian idea of the guiding Holy Spirit. Now, I’m not going to sit here and tell you that the woodsman represents God the Father and Jesper God the Son, (or is Klaus more the Christ figure?) because I think this movie is decidedly not Christian, but more I just want to highlight that I enjoyed that the film allowed for the presence of spirituality, which moves this film from the realm of secular kindness to one that recognizes the power and presence of some spiritual goodness, aligning with how many think of the “Christmas spirit.”

Now, let’s be clear, this is a fun, family classic, but it’s not a perfect film. In fact, I downright disliked the first twenty to thirty minutes, for the aforementioned tonal reasons, but also because I really disliked Jason Schwartzmann’s voice acting in the lead role of Jesper. My dislike lessened with the introduction of the woodsman, but it never went away fully. I can’t help but think this movie would be better with a different actor voicing Jesper. Everyone else does an adequate job with the voice work. J.K. Simmons as Klaus takes on an almost Batman-like stoic gruffness, and Rashida Jones as the teacher and love interest is just fine. And, again, I never really fell in love with the art style and it sometimes distracted me, and I found the soundtrack, particularly the main song to be rather lame and too much “of its time” than the typically timeless, more Broadway productions that Disney/Pixar put out. Still, director Sergio Pablos has done something I did not think possible. He and his team created a *new* Christmas classic, one that I’m sure will be played on an annual basis in many households across the world.

***1/4 (Three and a fourth stars out of four)

[bananaofswifts]

By : Callie Ahlgrim and Courteney Larocca

Taylor Swift released her eighth studio album, "Folklore," on Friday.

Swift surprised fans by announcing its release just one day in advance — and less than one year after the release of her acclaimed seventh album "Lover."

"Most of the things I had planned this summer didn't end up happening, but there is something I had planned that DID happen," she wrote on social media. "And that thing is my 8th studio album, folklore. Surprise!"

She described "Folklore," stylized in all lowercase, as "an entire brand new album of songs I've poured all of my whims, dreams, fears, and musings into."

Much of the 16-song tracklist — 17 on the deluxe edition — was cowritten and produced by The National's Aaron Dessner. Smaller pieces were cowritten by Bon Iver, Jack Antonoff, and someone named William Bowery. Antonoff also produced five songs.

Insider's music team (reporter Callie Ahlgrim and celebrity and music editor Courteney Larocca) listened to the new album on our own, jotting down our initial thoughts track by track.

Almost immediately, we were forced to reckon with the fact that "Folklore" might be Swift's best album yet — potentially even better than "Red," which previously seemed like it couldn't be topped. We were stunned with the mature, poetic, stunningly understated collection of new songs.

Here is what we thought of each song on "Folklore" upon first listen. (Skip to the end to see the only songs worth listening to and the album's final score.)

"The 1" is the best album opener Swift has had in years.

Ahlgrim: "I'm doing good, I'm on some new s---" is a wild way to begin a new Taylor Swift album. This is going to be different.

This is easily the best intro song she's released in years. "The 1" far surpasses "I Forgot That You Existed" on "Lover," "...Ready for It?" on "Reputation," and "Welcome to New York" on "1989" in terms of sheer quality.

It's also an engaging scene-setter; I find myself gently rocking back and forth, eyes closed, smiling without realizing. It's only the first song and so far, I am totally grasping the woodsy aesthetic of this album. I'm already ready for more.

Larocca: I would argue that there hasn't been a strong album opener on one of Swift's albums since "State of Grace" on "Red" in 2012. "The 1" breaks that curse.

I was vibing from that very first piano note, but when Swift comes in and warmly delivers the first line of the album — "I'm doing good, I'm on some new s---" — it became evident this project wouldn't be anything like the rest of her discography.

As far as "The 1" goes as a standalone song, it's incredibly solid. Swift has a breezy attention to rhythm as she paints a tale of a the-one-who-got-away romance. I truly, truly love it. This might end up being an all-time favorite track.

"Cardigan" is beautifully influenced by Lana Del Rey.

Ahlgrim: I heard "Cardigan" first because I watched the music video before I listened to the album.

Right off the bat, I was struck by the Lana Del Rey melody in the chorus; I jotted down "folksy 'Blue Jeans.'"

Swift has actually cited Del Rey as an inspiration in the past, so this makes sense — and that particular shade of nostalgic, haunting glamour really works for Swift's voice, so I'm overall very impressed with this direction. I am more than amenable to a "Red" meets "Norman F---ing Rockwell!" album experience. On my second time around listening, sans music video, "Cardigan" already feels richer coming after "The 1."

This time, I'm struck by small lyrical details like "Sequined smile, black lipstick," a clear callback to her past eras, and "Tried to change the ending / Peter losing Wendy," an effective way to evoke young love and innocence lost.

I also think the song's central refrain, "When you are young they assume you know nothing," is clean and sharp and — especially given Swift's public struggles with sexism and years-old contracts — extremely poignant.

Larocca: I had the thought that Swift listens to Lana Del Rey after hearing "Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince" on last year's "Lover," but now I know for sure that Del Rey is an influence on Swift.

While "Cardigan" isn't what I thought this album would be like sonically, I'm overjoyed at how clearly singer-songwriter this album already is. I've been waiting years for Swift to make a lyrical marvel set to acoustic, warm, folksy instrumentals and it's here.

(And while I expected something different sonically, I am not mad at all by the backing instrumental choices here.)

"The Last Great American Dynasty" proves Swift is a natural storyteller.

Ahlgrim: Personally, I love Storyteller Taylor, so this is quite literally music to my ears.

There are so many delicious details here to unpack. The first verse, with its subtle sexist whisperings about Rebekah Harkness ("How did a middle-class divorcée do it?" and "It must have been her fault his heart gave out"), is a truly savvy way to set up for the song's eventual reveal.

Rebekah spent her time partying with friends, funding the ballet, playing card games with Salvador Dalí, somehow "ruining everything" — and her Holiday House was "free of women with madness" until Swift herself moved in.

That twist in the bridge is poetic genius. When the final chorus adjusts to the present day, underscoring the parallels between Rebekah and Swift, I'm forcefully reminded of an iconic bridge when Romeo finally proposed and changed everything — but Swift has evolved past daydreams of pure white dresses and fathers giving permission.

Larocca: I'm immediately taken back to 2012's "Starlight" when "The Last Great American Dynasty" starts. Thankfully, this song ends up being a lot better than "Starlight," which always felt more like a filler track on "Red" to me.

I love a lot here: the casual use of "b----," the acute attention to detail ("She stole his dog and dyed it key lime green"), and every version of this line: "There goes the maddest woman this town has ever seen."

I had a marvelous time listening to this song.

"Exile," featuring Bon Iver, is one of Swift's most successful duets to date.

Ahlgrim: Swift and Bon Iver, aka Justin Vernon, are two of the best songwriters alive today, so this song was destined to be breathtaking.

Swift has historically had difficulty allowing her voice and vision to coexist with a featured artist; her collaborations often leave me feeling like she should've just delivered the whole song herself.

But Swift and Vernon were able to weave their lyrics together so gracefully, I was left feeling grateful for his presence. His rich, rustic tone and those iconic hummed harmonies lends the regretful song an added coat of sincerity.

The production here is generally fine, but the layered instrumentals in the ending really bring the song together. I love a dramatic exit.

Larocca: When I see a "featuring Bon Iver" on a track, I instantly assume Vernon is going to come in with his high falsetto. So it was almost jarring that the song starts with Vernon sounding like a lumberjack dad who hasn't left the woods in a decade.

That didn't end up being a detriment, though. Swift sounds delicate on her verse, and their vocals contrast nicely later on the track.

This one also brings to mind her collab "The Last Time" with Snow Patrol's Gary Lightbody. The line "I think I've seen this film before and I didn't like the ending" is also reminiscent of "If This Was a Movie."

I'm obsessed with the clear influences Swift's previous discography had on these tracks, which have also so far felt completely unique to her catalog.

"My Tears Ricochet" is an extraordinary display of Swift's songwriting powers.

Ahlgrim: First of all, "My Tears Ricochet" is an incredible song title. Let's take a moment to appreciate that.

In fact, pretty much every line of this song is arresting.

Much of it feels both familiar and rare, like you know exactly what Swift is singing about, but hadn't thought to put it in those words before — which is, in my opinion, the mark of any good piece of writing but especially a breakup song. You can relate to the emotion, if not the particular details. You can hear the pain. It almost plays like a funeral march.

What a gift it is, what an exhilarating experience, to feel like you're listening to a poem being recited in real-time.

Larocca: Any true Swiftie knows that track five is reserved for the most vulnerable moment on the record, so I went into "My Tears Ricochet" ready to be sad.

I am endlessly impressed with how Swift managed to bake the word "ricochet" into this song so effectively. She also ditched her traditional song structure for this one, and instead built the track from peak to peak, utilizing clever lyrics along the way to tell an epic, devastating story, almost obviously calling back to the most beloved track five of "All Too Well."

I'm calling it now — this one is going to age like a fine wine. As all of Swift's best breakup ballads do.

"Mirrorball" is several strokes of genius.

Ahlgrim: This song gives me intense Clairo vibes, and I mean that as a very high compliment.

It's so fun and refreshing to hear Swift slip into different musical styles, and this shimmery take on alternative-bedroom-pop highlights her soft vocals and nuanced songwriting supremely well.

Also, my Leo sensibilities are fully under attack by this bridge: "I've never been a natural, all I do is try, try, try / I'm still on that trapeze / I'm still trying everything to keep you looking at me." Oof! Just tag me next time.

Larocca: This one is so pretty! Swift's vocals sound better than ever as she spins on her highest heels across a glittery daydream.

"I'm a mirrorball / I'll show you every version of yourself tonight" might be the thesis statement of this entire album. So far, "Folklore" feels both diaristic and vague; detailed and completely anonymous.

Fans will be debating for years whether this album is about Swift's own life, or if it's simply really great storytelling pulled directly from her own mind. In the end, it doesn't really matter.

Because as all of Swift's best songs do, these songs will attach themselves to listeners in completely new ways, showing them elements and stories from their own lives.

"Seven" is pure whimsical magic.

Ahlgrim: This is playing make-believe in the garden when you're too young to feel self-conscious; it's poetic and nostalgic and full of awe in such an unpretentious way.

I wouldn't change one thing about this song. Swift's whispery high register sounds divine, and at this point in the tracklist, her rhythmic delivery in the chorus hits like a shot of espresso.

Right now, I'm wondering if it's possible for Swift to maintain this intrigue and momentum for another nine songs. There hasn't been a misstep to speak of, and I remain wholly beguiled. Can it last?

Larocca: The beginning of "Seven" sounds like Swift listened to Marina's "Orange Trees" on repeat before showing up to her songwriting session. Fortunately, "Orange Trees" is the only song I like on Marina's "Love + Fear" so I will gladly accept this inspiration.

Swift continues to impress with both her vocals and her sense of rhythm on "Seven." I also personally love space imagery so the line "Love you to the moon and to Saturn" is a standout line.

"August" will go down as one of the best songs in Swift's extensive repertoire.

Ahlgrim: I'm immediately catching hints of Phoebe Bridgers and girl in red in Swift's delivery. And I simply adore the idea that Swift has spent the last few months sitting at home, daydreaming about summertime humidity and listening to music by queer indie-pop girls. 

In an album full of songwriting expertise, this song has some of Swift's best lines yet: "August sipped away like a bottle of wine / 'Cause you were never mine" actually hurts me.

In my notes, there simply sits this valuable insight (yes, in all-caps): "WANTING WAS ENOUGH. FOR ME IT WAS ENOUGH TO LIVE FOR THE HOPE OF IT ALL." This song has my favorite bridge on the album so far.

In terms of production, "August" is exquisite. It's lush and layered without feeling overwhelming at any point. It builds to the perfect level then recedes, like a wave. 

Also worth mentioning: It can now be considered a historical fact that any time Swift mentions a car or driving in one of her songs, it's a perfect song.

Larocca: While listening to "August," I texted Callie and said, "I can't wait to finish the album so I can relisten to 'August.'" It's an instant favorite. 

This is also the first track on the album that seems directly inspired by our current state. Not because she's expressing fear or singing about being bored at home, but because she so easily slips into a reflection of a relationship that ended years ago with a newfound wave of wistful nostalgia. 

When quarantine started, it seemed like a million lifestyle articles came out explaining why everyone suddenly felt compelled to text their exes and why we're so invested in looking back instead of forward right now. 

"August" validates those feelings with zero judgment, letting its listener know that yes, it's totally normal for you to be overanalyzing that quasi-relationship you were in back in college that never made it past graduation. Am I projecting? Maybe, but that's debatably what Swift's music is best utilized for.

I'm also going to be thinking about this song's bridge and outro for the rest of my life.

The National's influence can be felt on the stunning "This Is Me Trying."

Ahlgrim: "This Is Me Trying" quickly strikes a more sinister tone than its predecessors — still nostalgic and wistful, but carrying an edge, like a threatening secret.

Ironically, this one was co-written and co-produced by Jack Antonoff, not Aaron Dessner, though I can really hear The National's influence here. I'm getting strong wafts of songs like "Pink Rabbits" and "Dark Side of the Gym."

Based on Swift's own words, we can speculate that "This Is Me Trying" is a fictional tale, built around the image of "a 17-year-old standing on a porch, learning to apologize." And, as previously stated, I'm a big fan of Storyteller Taylor, so I'm into it.

The song's darker tone mingles really well with Swift's imagery; when you're a teenager, and you make a mistake, it can feel like the end of the world.

Larocca: "This Is Me Trying" is precisely what I imagined this album sounding like when I found out Swift collaborated with the National's Aaron Dessner and Bon Iver.

But I'm glad she was strategic about her use of echo and also finally paid attention to the tracklisting from a sonic standpoint. This haunting soundscape is reminiscent of 2014's "This Love" and comes in right when you need it after the yearning daydream of "August."  

I'd also like it to be on the record that the line "I got wasted like all my potential" ruined me and this song is a win for that lyric alone.

"Illicit Affairs" is a glowing example of what sets Swift apart from her peers as a songwriter.

Ahlgrim: The expert songwriting on "Illicit Affairs" reminds me of the as-yet unseated queen in Swift's discography: "All Too Well."

Swift is a master of wielding specific details like weapons: "What started in beautiful rooms / Ends with meetings in parking lots," she sings. "Leave the perfume on the shelf / That you picked out just for him." These are the sorts of images that set Swift apart, and they're especially strong when she punctuates their delivery with a little growl in her voice.

This song has real power. I have chills.

That power is magnified in the third verse, similar to how "All Too Well" builds to a crescendo: "Don't call me 'kid,' don't call me 'baby' / Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me."

Certainly, "Illicit Affairs" is more restrained than Swift's iconic arena rock ballad, but goddamn that last verse hits hard.

Larocca: The way that she says "him" in the second verse shook me out of my skin in the very best way. And "Don't call me 'kid,' don't call me 'baby' / Look at this idiotic fool that you made me" will go down as one of her best breakup lines of all time.  

It's been a minute since Swift delivered a painstakingly beautiful breakup ballad, and the fact that this album is littered with them is, simply, a gift.  

"Illicit Affairs" has growing power and will likely become one of those tracks that fans form a strong emotional attachment to over time.

"Invisible String" is Taylor Swift at her most Taylor Swift.

Ahlgrim: "Invisible String" is a feast of Easter eggs and callbacks.

"Teal was the color of your shirt" reminds me of the line about Joe Alwyn's blue eyes on "Delicate," and her reference to a dive bar is similarly familiar. "Gave me no compasses, gave me no signs" recalls the push-and-pull on "Exile."

"Bad was the blood of the song in the cab" is undoubtedly a reference to Swift's 2015 single "Bad Blood," while "One single thread of gold / Tied me to you" feels like a nod to Swift's description of love's "golden" hue on the "Lover" album closer "Daylight."

This song is sprightly and sparkly and certainly nice to listen to, but its real strength lies in these details.

Swift is weaving many different stories on this album, many connected by a sort of "Invisible String," tying different pieces of her life and your life and other lives together. It ends up feeling like a growing plant with far-reaching roots, or a sentient treasure map.

Larocca: I'd be lying if I said there weren't multiple points throughout this album where I worried that Swift and her boyfriend Joe Alwyn had broken up. 

Thankfully, "Invisible String" is a rosy, wide-eyed ode to love. The plucky guitar paired with Swift's soft vocals is a sound I want to live in, which is fitting since this track feels like coming home. 

Every small detail, from the nod to Alwyn's time spent working at a frozen yogurt shop in his youth, to the color imagery that paints every inflection of Swift's adoration (especially the single thread of gold) come together to lay the holy ground Swift's relationship walks on. 

Also, the image of Swift mailing Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner gifts for their expectant first child brings about an unbridled sense of joy.

"Mad Woman" is yet another highlight.

Ahlgrim: Every time I think I've heard the peak of this album's songwriting potential, Swift manages to surprise me. 

Case in point: "Do you see my face in the neighbor's lawn? / Does she smile? / Or does she mouth, 'F--- you forever?'" Whoa.

And another, for good measure: "It's obvious that wanting me dead / Has really brought you two together." I texted Courteney, "Did she really just say that??"

This song is sublime on its own, but the way it ties back into the perception of female freedom and "madness" on "The Last Great American Dynasty" makes it even better. "Mad Woman" is definitely a personal favorite so far on this album, if not in Swift's entire catalog.

Larocca: "Mad Woman" will forever hold the honor of being the first song in which Swift says "f---" and for that, we should all be thankful. 

I was also so wrapped up in the storytelling of this album, that it took a minute for this to even register that this is likely about the Scooter Braun and Scott Borchetta / Kanye West and Kim Kardashian West ordeals of Swift's past. These callouts used to be so obvious, that I greatly appreciate the subtlety and restraint here. 

It almost feels like these feuds were a lifetime ago, but this track does an excellent job at showcasing how anger and pain can leave an indelible mark on you. Swift went mad years ago, and that's just an accepted part of her narrative now. 

But for the first time, her rage sounds like freedom.

"Epiphany" doesn't stand out.

Ahlgrim: There are some really interesting vocal moments on "Epiphany," but so far, this is the only song I haven't felt captivated by. It's a bit snoozy, and a bit too long.

This song clearly references war, the loss of a loved one, and the coronavirus pandemic, which makes it lyrically intriguing at best — but distressing at worst. I don't mind letting the overall effect waft over me, but this won't be a song I revisit outside the context of the album.

Larocca: "Epiphany" is the only track on "Folklore" that didn't immediately grab me. It's essentially a war drama in song format, so some people might like it, but I truly couldn't care less about war movies or war songs! So it's not my favorite, but it makes for pretty background music. 

"Epiphany" does have another benefit though: Now, whenever some random dude erroneously claims Swift "only writes songs about her exes," fans have a clear song in her discography that they can point to and be like, "That's not true. This one's about war." 

That's not to say Swift needed that — anyone who has been paying attention understands she's quite possibly the best songwriter of her generation.  

This just happens to be further proof of that fact.

"Betty" is a charming callback to Swift's country roots.

Ahlgrim: "Betty" is like the best, sauciest song from Swift's 2006 debut country album that no one got to hear. It has sonic and lyrical similarities to hits like "Our Song" and "Tim McGraw," plus some name-dropping stuff like 2008's "Hey Stephen," plus a little harmonica thrown in for good measure! I love that for us.

"Betty" also appears to complete a three-song story, recalling details from "Cardigan" and "August" to close the loop on Betty and James, a couple in high school with some infidelity issues.

Looking back, it feels like "Cardigan" was told from Betty's perspective, while "August" was told from the perspective of a sort of "other woman" character. Now, we get James' side of the story. This is high art, folks! This is peak Storytelling Taylor!

"Betty" is also, like, very gay? I know it's easy to assume that James is a male character, but Swift herself was named after James Taylor, so she could be referring to herself. The song also references someone named Inez; James and Inez are the names of Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively's daughters.

Plus, in retrospect, the idea of whispering "Are you sure? Never have I ever before" during a summer fling seems pretty gay to me.

I'm not saying the story of Betty and James would be better if it was written about sapphic lovers, but I'm not not saying that.

Larocca: This one is gay, and if you try to tell me otherwise, I will simply ignore you. 

But Courteney, it's from the perspective of a guy named James. James and the other character, Inez, share the same names as Reynolds and Lively's kids (will leave it up to you to decide if that means their third daughter's name is Betty). James is their daughter. Get out of here with your antiquated ideas about which names connotate which genders. 

To me, the James named in this song is a woman and a lesbian and this song is for the gays. I will not be saying anything else or accepting any feedback on this opinion, thank you.

"Peace" is honest and raw.

Ahlgrim: This song's intro sounds like LCD Soundsystem had a baby with "The Archer." The gentle guitar riff is also lovely.

With Dessner's echoey production, Swift's voice sounds like a warm little fire in a cave — fitting, since she sings in the chorus, "I'm a fire and I'll keep your brittle heart warm."

OK damn, I'm getting really emotional. This songwriting is beautiful and haunting. "Peace" perfectly captures the ambient dread of feeling your partner slip away, of wondering whether love can be enough. 

Larocca: If you're a "Call It What You Want" stan, you're going to love its mature older sister "Peace." 

I will hereby forever be thinking about the parallels between "But I'm a fire and I'll keep your brittle heart warm" with "He built a fire just to keep me warm" and between "Family that I chose, now that I see your brother as my brother" with "Trust him like a brother."

Also, "Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?" has the same emotional impact as when Swift changes the lyric in "The Archer" to "I see right through me" and that's meant as the highest form of compliment. 

Swift's vocals are so crisp, that guitar riff is so stunning, and these lyrics are so gut-wrenchingly vulnerable. A perfect song, through and through.

"Hoax" is unlike any other album closer in Swift's catalog.

Ahlgrim: I don't know if Swift is going through a traumatic breakup, but if she isn't, the woman is one convincing creative writer.

The National makes some of my favorite music to cry to, so when I heard Aaron Dessner had co-written and produced much of this album, I knew I was in for some glossy cheeks. Until now, I think I've felt too captivated by Swift's artistry to really let myself get there.

But finally, "Hoax" is making me cry.

This is heart-wrenching stuff for anyone, but for a fan and student of Swift's work, this is like reading a friend's diary entry.

"Don't want no other shade of blue, but you" must be a reference to "Delicate," in which Swift sings: "Dark jeans and your Nikes, look at you / Oh damn, never seen that color blue." Later, she croons, "You know I left a part of me back in New York," perhaps regretting the move to London that she detailed throughout "Lover." 

"You knew it still hurts underneath my scars / From when they pulled me apart," recalling the public shaming she endured and demons she exorcised on "Reputation." "But what you did was just as dark." Like I said before: Whoa.

Personally, I love having a good cry set to moody music, so I appreciate Swift's soul-bearing. "Hoax" is one gut-punch of an album closer.

Larocca: Swift has a habit of ending her albums on an uplifting, hopeful note and I always eat it up. But if "Folklore" hadn't made it clear by now that it should be consumed differently than any of her previous works, "Hoax" brings that message home.  

Instead of reveling in all the ways that love has made her stronger, happier, or more whole, "Hoax" deconstructs everything Swift has learned about love and leaves a bleaker picture about how maybe even the best of relationships hurt. 

But at its most tragic, this love still isn't something Swift will ever let go of: "Don't want no other shade of blue but you / No other sadness in the world would do."  

Finishing a Taylor Swift album has never been so devastating.

Final Grade: 9.7/10

[cosplayinamerica]

ARTIST ALLEY : BurntGreenTea

Here at Cosplay in America, I am expanding who I interview to those in the convention scene. Today we will talk to BurntGreenTea who I met in artist alley at Ikkicon, an anime convention in Austin, TX. BurntGreenTea is from Northern California and as stated on his Deviant Art “Hey, my name is Nelson! I like to draw waifus”

EJEN : My first question is why BurntGreenTea? 

BURNTGREENTEA: That’s actually my second handle I came up with, I had an embarrassing name before so I wanted to change into something more ironic and more “me” in a name. so I’ve been going as BurntGreenTea ever since. I do drink matcha alot!

EJEN: Tell us how you got started in artist alley, what was your first one and what was that experience like?

BURNTGREENTEA: I started getting interested in doing artist alley at my first Fanime Con back in 2007 as a one day attendee when I was still in high school.

I went with my best friend at the time and it blew my expectations of what a convention was, especially the artist alley since it completely opened my mind that there’s artists actually selling fan art. But I didn’t commit to it until 2012, just when I was in my 2nd year of college.

By that time, I had enough digital art and felt confident that I could do it. Fanime still had the application process of first come first serve (meaning those who apply the earliest will get a spot), so I was fortunate enough to apply fast enough to get a table!

For a first time experience it was nerve-wracking before, during and after the con. But there was something to it that really sparked my interest; and I think there were people that legitimately liked my work and bought them.

EJEN: Was there a point that you went “yeah, this could work” and you made the jump to traveling out of state for artist alley?

BURNTGREENTEA: It was about one and half years after I graduated from college, between that time I worked in a job that was soul sucking but I had many of my colleagues working at, and then after I was applying to animation studios, gaming companies, etc while I was doing commissions and artist alleys at the same time.

It went on like this for almost a year. By this point I felt like I really hit my lowest and felt a great shame that I couldn’t find “stable” work. My parents didn’t really support me doing artist alley during this time since it’s not legit work and it’s more like a fun hobby I can do on the side, all the while I have colleagues and friends who have jobs in the animation or gaming industries. I felt extremely lost, and wasn’t sure the direction I wanted to go in life, so my parents encouraged me to go back to school to get a “safe” degree or trade.

But there was something I knew in the back of my mind that I couldn’t see until I had a meet up with an old friend. She was confident, happy, found her dream job that paid well and she enjoyed the work, and she was completely honest and blunt. When the topic came up of me being lost in life, she asked me, “what did you want to do then?” and I told her honestly, “I really just want to do artist alley and make that work.” “Then just do it.” So I did.

EJEN: After all the time you spent in artist alley, what’s the most important factor that an artist must understand to do decently in sales

BURNTGREENTEA: Research research research. It’s basically “knowledge is power” but breaking down as knowing your audience, yourself (what you enjoy, your strengths and capabilities) and learning new trades while breaking old habits.

EJEN: Can you go more in detail about research, research, research?

BURNTGREENTEA: So this reflects back on my previous answer, so know the convention you’re going into, what you can offer, what’s your budget, everything that would make your experience at the convention you’re getting into a great experience.

I have heard many stories of artists not breaking even and even I had bad experiences due to inaccurate/outdated information or inexperience. For example, there was a first year event that had a $1000 table price tag and promised to bring in 5000 attendees.

This was going to be my second event/convention to table at, so I had no idea what it was going to be like and decided to go for it. It ended up having less than 100 attendees, and I lost a significant amount of money. So now I have to get as much info as I can get to make the convention viable to go to.

EJEN: How do you describe your style and how has it changed if any over the 14 years you’ve done art? What were some of your earlier influences.

BURNTGREENTEA: Right now I can say it’s pretty much anime style, but I can say there were several phases I went through. Looking through my Deviantart gives a great timeline all the way back to middle school until recently.

When I initially started I was getting into anime thanks to friends, so I was very much influenced by Naruto, Full Metal Alchemist, and Gurren Lagann. Then in high school I started to do more digital art, eventually creating artwork bigger and grander just like the artists from Fanime I admired.

When I finally started my education in my art program in college, I started getting the proper training in lighting, form, and composition. This time period my pieces were more western-influenced, like more realistic faces and body proportions, but there was something missing in it that I wouldn’t understand until after I graduated. It’s around the same time when I wanted to do artist alleys full time that I was more true to myself in the style and got more flashy, more colorful and composition.

EJEN : How do you decide what Alley to apply for. What’s your personal criteria for conventions to do artist alley at? 

BURNTGREENTEA: Local cons are usually easy for me to decide to apply for due to the cost being low(transportation, housing, etc). If there’s anything that involves flying out of state, I have to factor in much more information about the con, personal experiences from other artists, and if it is viable for an anime fan artist to break even and also turn a profit. Usually big conventions like Anime Expo and Otakon are the must go to conventions for their huge attendance numbers.

EJEN: Describe to me a typical day in the Alley!

BURNTGREENTEA: Due to the times right now, it seems like almost a dream to be in an artist alley, haha. Here’s a usual day of being in the Alley: Waking up early to get ready, getting breakfast and caffeine before heading inside a convention.

Usually getting there early, either me or some art friends would walk around the Alley and check out other artists before it’s open to the public. There would be some art friends I made along the way that I can catch up with briefly, chatting about the next shows or projects. I would have probably stayed up kinda late working on physical commissions and would need to go back to my table to continue finishing them up.

When the Alley opens up, it’s mostly engaging and talking with familiar customers or friends, while also working on commissions during the down times. Friends would go on food or snack runs, and I would get an hour to go shopping during the day somewhere as a break.

By the time it ends, it would have felt like it had gone in a flash. But with heavy eyes but our hearts full with a day accomplished. If we had the strength, we would check out an event or explore the convention hall abit more to absorb the atmosphere. Getting dinner with friends after a job well done, while we have another day to look forward to spending time with fans alike.

It’s really nostalgic to reflect on a typical day to be in the Alley, and having to have that all stop for almost a year now.

EJEN: Since the pandemic, how are you coping with this change both personally and business-wise?

BURNTGREENTEA: I was honestly hoping conventions would come back around at the end of May, but that never happened so I had to approach things differently. Luckily I had a freelance gig that I was working part time, so I had a semi-regular income on the side while I applied for virtual conventions and commissions.

It was tough since I wanted 2020 to be the year I would do the most conventions ever but that plan derailed. I also focused on my online shop and my social media presence, which so far is paying off!

Like everyone this year took a mental and physical toll, but I also ended up working on more projects and digital work to help keep me distracted.

EJEN: What are your plans for the future, what are you working on?

BURNTGREENTEA: My goal is still to go back to doing conventions, but at the moment I’m going to give that a pause. Currently I have a contract job that’s ending soon, and I have something that’s NDA that might come up, crossing my fingers! That’s the near future, but for the time being I want to refocus on learning new things and refining my art since I’ve gotten rusty.

EJEN: Finally who is your waifu?

BURNTGREENTEA: My waifu is Lucina from Fire Emblem!

Visit BurntGreenTea’s Etsy!

[readingsbylibramc]

birth chart reading for @eternalbarnacle

hello! welcome to your reading. I’m gonna give you a quick overview of what I’m going to analyze about your natal chart. feel free to ask me anything if something isn’t clear, of course. you’ll find out your dominants’ influence on your persona, your physical appearance, impression on others and the way you approach the world; your ego, identity, the real you; your reactions, your desires, inner emotions; your way of expressing your feelings, your mind and ideas; your desires and approach to love; your energy tank, instincts and temperament; in-depth analysis of each house with their rulers and analysis of heavy aspects; love life + soulmates/karmic partners interpretation; your relationship with your friends; your family life; your approach to career and work in general + possible jobs suggestion; your style, fashion sense analysis; life purpose and past life description; basic transits’ analysis to describe your current mood and, last but not least, your secret skills, how to make the most out of your soul and manifest what you desire based on your birth chart.

🦋 chart shape, dominants

your chart is a splay shape, meaning that your planets are located randomly in different groups in your chart. people with this type of chart are usually very talented at different things. they can focus their attention on different matters, from family, to work, to love. everything is important for you, and you try to live your life to the fullest. you may be particularly talented at things that require action, it doesn’t matter whether it’s physical or mental. you may be very good at sports, dancing… or maybe you’re good at leading, you could easily be the boss on your work place. since you’re interested in so many things, you could easily be skilled at all of them to be honest. my advice would be to pick the hobby that is most important for you and care about it more than the others. that’s because people with this chart usually tend to do so many things that they may lack precision. it’s better to give all of yourself to what’s important for you.

your dominant planets are pluto, the sun and the moon. you are a very complex person for sure; you are a very lively person, you have a strong presence to you and you may even seem a bit cold at first. deep down, you're actually very emotional. you don't fall easily, but when you do you love truly, your feelings are extremely intense.

your dominant sign is scorpio. you may have trust issues and be quite of a loner, yet once you commit to someone, you'll be in for a long ride. you are very deep, both mentally and emotionally. you may struggle with power control, as you may have the perception that people are trying to take advantage of you due to your insecurities. because of that, you may also get quite possessive and bossy.

your dominant element is water. you're very intuitive and empathetic, you care a lot about others, and you may seem like a healer to people you know. in fact, you always try to help them if you can, almost in a therapeutic way. you're also very spiritual, and you're attracted to anything related to discovering your higher self and soul purpose.

🌎 ascendant in scorpio, 17° / 2nd decan ruled by pluto and the moon

your scorpio rising makes you quite pessimistic; you see the world as a place full of dangers and malice, hence it’s hard for you to trust people. this may be translated through fear; you’re either scared of other people, and hence you look more vulnerable, or maybe you’re the one who prefers to look intimidating to avoid problems. I don’t think you look unapproachable, though. there are other placements in your chart that say the opposite, so I imagine you project an image of yourself that makes you look quite naive. you can sense others’ emotions very well, so they have no secrets for you. you can perceive any single emotion in people just by looking in their eyes. while this is good, as you understand who’s best for you and you’re aware of the dangers you may face, scorpio risings tend to take advantage of this and be a little manipulative. this awareness of the world makes you look mysterious and secretive, as if you always know something more than others (and you probably do). pluto is also the planet of transformation, and you might experience a lot of rebirths throughout your life, both physically and emotionally. you might lose/have lost a big amount of weight, for example, which makes you look like a different person. or maybe, you like dying your hair of a different colour, giving you a different vibe. you wish you could be softer and show your inner emotions more easily, as scorpio is a water sign. the thing is, since it’s a fixed sign, it’s hard for you to be flexible and adapt to changes. when they happen, they’re usually out of your control as they’re literally life-changing. physically, I see you having a square face with high cheekbones. overall, your bones are very prominent and you’re naturally skinny. your eyes are extremely magnetic, and they could also be quite big and/or round. you might have either very pale skin, or just an olive skintone. sometimes, even a mix of both. your hair, eyebrows and lashes are very thick and dark too. since you also have cancer placements in your chart, you may also have round features to you, such as a round chin/face, big round eyes, plump lips and a button nose.

scorpio ascendant conjunct scorpio pluto: this aspect enhances your scorpio rising even more. scorpio, combined with your cancer sun, makes you look a little bit naive. people may try to take advantage of you, and to defend yourself you tend to become bossy. you’re really competitive, and feel the constant need to prove others’ wrong, even though it’s not the best way to do it. in your life, you could encounter lots of enemies that may try to stop you from transforming yourself. or maybe, your grandfather is an authoritative figure in your life and in your family’s in general, and his influence has a big impact on your life. also, something I’ve noticed about pluto conjunct ascendant individuals is that they may feel unhappy when they’re young. as time goes by, they transform and become as they want, which makes them feel more satisfied with themselves.

🌞 sun in cancer, 23° / 3rd decan ruled by the moon and neptune

this is the most romantic and dreamy cancer decan. even though you may not show it due to your heavy scorpio influence, you’re actually very vulnerable and sensitive. you may be a crybaby, as crying is a way to vent your emotions. you may even overreact, and be considered too dramatic. you’re extremely moody; you could be all happy and relaxed with your friends, then suddenly you get sad, or even angry. it’s hard to deal with this, especially because your emotions are quite intense. this could make you argue a lot with your peers. even though it takes you a while to find someone willing to stay, when that moment finally comes you’ll embody cancer’s best trait: that is, you’ll become a ‘mother’ to your friends, lover etc. you have a very nurturing soul, you have a knack for affection and care, and you could even get kind of clingy, even though you may feel limitated to give your love to someone else. cancer is a cardinal sign, hence you may be the one to take initiative, yet you do it undirectly. you’re probably the passive-aggressive type, even though this may be mitigated by your dramatic and impulsive leo rising. you’re most likely also quite patient, even though you don’t forgive easily. once someone tries to take advantage of you, it’s over for them.

cancer sun square libra moon: you're the type to start lots of projects, always feeling like you need to transform yourself or your routine. you're very self-aware of your identity, as you're constantly in contact with your feelings. you may even appear as too emotional, as the sun brings all your emotions out to see. this placement most likely makes it hard for you to make choices, you are very indecisive; on one side, your cancer sun wants to be alone, you crave alone time for yourself. your libra moon, on the other hand, wants to be in others' company. that doesn't mean that you are extremely sociable, but you value relationships in your life, and hence you tend to struggle with balance. as a result, you may change your mind often, and people could possibly picture you as shallow or unpredictable. you're interested in knowing more about your roots, your childhood, and also about having a family in general. when you were young, you probably were even more energetic than now. you could be the type to look nostalgically at your old pictures, and you care about your mother a lot. you're also very interested in your own culture; you're not afraid to show the world your interests, reactions and opinions. the problem with this square is that the individual may become so self-sufficient at the point that doesn't let anyone interfer in their life. it's obviously a good thing to do when someone tries to hurt you, but there's the risk it may happen even with people that are trying to help you if not well-developed. last but not least, your parents' relationships might have had impact on your growth. maybe they're divorced, and one of them had to compensate for the missing parent; perhaps, one of them was highly influenced by the other.

🌙 moon in libra, 20° / 3rd decan ruled by venus and mercury

the most romantic and affectionate libra decan. in life, you strive for equality and fairness. for example, you don’t want to give less than someone else, you would feel guilty about it. at the same time, you don’t want to be the one that gives more either; you’re afraid that people could take advantage of you. therefore, balance is what you find the most pleasant. ironically, you struggle to keep the same balance in yourself, though. you may appear a bit emotionally cold, as you don’t feel comfortable showing your true self due to your secrecy. you come off as kind of analytical, but you’re actually very romantic. you wish the world was just filled with love and peace, and you that you didn’t have to worry about malice or anything of that type. you hate vulgarity, and you try to be as kind as possible with your words, even though you may be too straight-forward and fail at that. even if you’re an introvert, you may know a lot of people. yet, you have troubles actually creating close bonds with others. you basically have more acquaintances than friends. you’re a nice mediator, you know how to get along with others and make others get along.

🗣 mercury in cancer, 2° / 1st decan ruled by the moon

you don't really rely on logic. you're very emotionally intelligent, and you take in consideration others' feelings when you speak. even though you may be impulsive and blunt sometimes, you don't do it with malice at all. you may actually feel guilty after you realize that you've hurt someone. you may be sort of manipulative, as you're very observant of others' behaviours. because of that, you may be extremely good at interacting with others, since you know how to speak to people when you don't let your impulsiveness get over you. you know how to persuade others, even though you may not even realize it. if you manage to balance your moon and your mercury, I think it would give you great social skills. you'd be able to stand up for yourself, while also being mindful and conscious of the effect of your words on others. you may get defensive quite easily, and because of that you may become a bit secretive. that's because, deep down, you feel the need to be understood to fully convey and express your emotions. you want to feel at home with your interlocutor, otherwise you'll just be awkward. on the other hand, you have a nice sense of humor, you're able to light up the room with your jokes. your voice may be nasal, but pretty much very gentle as well.

❤️ venus in virgo, 5° / 1st decan ruled by mercury

in your group of friends, you’re most probably the late bloomer. in fact, it probably took you a while to experience romance. that’s because love isn’t your priority, even though you crave emotional affection and security. you’re not the type to fall for someone at first sight, you’re only into people that are willing to commit to you. you seek a partner that is hard-working and takes care of themselves, both physically and mentally but, at the same time, that would only look at you. it could take you some time to feel totally comfortable around your partner, but once you trust them, you’ll stay with them for a long time. it’s hard for you to show your love with words, hence you do it with little gestures. you probably remember stuff like their birthday, their favorite food etc., and you wouldn’t mind receiving the same kind of affection back. when it comes to love, you’re not a risk-taker; you probably prefer being courted rather than court others, and if you do it, you make sure that the other person likes you back. you enjoy helping others, you’re the type of friend or lover that wouldn’t hesitate to do favors. yet, you want to be appreciated, otherwise you may just feel used. you may be quite hard to satisfy, but you’re surely very loyal.

virgo venus square gemini mars: you are very serious when it comes to love. you seek intense, long-lasting relationships, filled with both romance and passion. ironically, you tend to attract people that are the opposite, who are only looking for fun and casual romance. that could afflict your self-worth significantly, as you feel unlucky in love. this is also another placement that indicates that one of your parents, probably your father, or still anyone of the opposite sex probably influenced your approach to romance and sex. there are different scenarios I have in mind, but I'll talk about it later in the family life section.

virgo venus opposite pisces saturn: you feel unable to love someone. this placement usually brings fear of committing, causing the individual to be flaky. there are two possibilities; I assume you directly avoid to get into relationships. your mind may unconsciously repress any thought about an eventual crush or love interest. it is caused by your insecurity, especially regarding your looks. or perhaps, it’s the other way around: you literally jump into relationships, resulting in you getting hurt from time to time. you could feel pressured to be in a relationship, even though it’s not your priority. in my readings I don’t generally talk about easy aspects, but I wanted to point this out as it may help you dealing with your low self-esteem; you have very strong libra/venusian influence in your chart. if you’re struggling with image issues, you shouldn’t; you’re definitely beautiful. even if not conventionally, you still have charm and charisma that make others stare. don’t be afraid of not being enough, because you are. but if you don’t realize it first, others won’t. you have to be your own healer, you’re totally capable of doing that.

☄️ mars in gemini, 8° / 1st decan ruled by mercury

you’re driven by the sense of intelligence. your intellect is your greatest strenght, it’s your energy tank. you’re interested in a bunch of things, and hence you may have troubles staying focused on one thing at the time. you probably have tons of hobbies, and you may end up not being much precise since you have tons of things that you have and want to do. you can’t stand boredom, you need your day-to-day life to be exciting and, above all, offer you something new to learn and / or experience. you probably fancy being very active: you go out often, you workout, you may also be the type to love partying and things like that. you’re extremely witty and curious, and you want to live your life to the fullest. you may often change your style, your opinions, maybe even your personality, and that could make you seem confusing and / or unreliable.

gemini mars square pisces saturn: this is another placement that indicates that something or someone is trying to restrict you, they're trying to prevent you from following your dreams and taking your own choices for your life. that someone is most likely an individual that has a lot on impact on you, it's someone very authoritative. or perhaps, it may even be a bully or abuser of any sort. as a result, you either rebel and get extremely angry, or you hide all of your disappointment inside of you. but soon or after, all of your intense feelings are going to eat you alive if you keep going like this, it's a very unhealthy behaviour. you could find it extra hard to achieve your goals, as when you try you always come across some hardships. what matters the most, is that you try to be more positive, you could even try manifesting more patience or serenity. you can't hold onto anger so much, or it will just fill you with negativity that could damage you. let it all go, focus on your goals and try to understand how to be more patient. in fact, you may often feel like you need to do everything as soon as possible, when it's not like that. you can allow yourself to be more calm and live life as it comes, it will make you feel much better with yourself and you'll also get more mature, which is crucial to learn your saturnian lessons and increase your self-confidence.

🏡 houses

your 1st house is in scorpio. you fulfill your ego when you deal with intense situations that satify your needs. that is, you find strenght in getting out of your comfort-zone. even though you may be afraid of it. as a result, you may often have to overcome challenges and traumas throughout this lifetime. you’re an enigma: you know everything about others, but others know nothing about you. it’s your way to protect yourself from eventual enemies, as you’re prone to have a few of them throughout your life. you are probably also very charismatic, you have a strong aura to you that almost makes you look intimidating. you certainly don't go overlooked, and because of that you may often attract jealousy and malice from other people, as they want what you naturally have.

your 2nd house is in sagittarius. you tend to overindulge in 2nd house matters, hence you may spend too much money, you could overeat, or even overestimate your own skills. you have an exaggerated vision of yourself. maybe, you’re too confident, which may make you come off as arrogant. it could be that you spend so much money so easily that you could take things for granted; perhaps, you could have even been spoiled as a child. this placement may also indicate that you may have lots of money, perhaps you were born in a rich family or you'll be able to accumulate lots of wealth anyways. in fact, many celebrities and millionaires have sagittarius in their second house's cusp. in general, this placement indicates luck with money, and since your jupiter isn't badly aspected either I don't see you experiencing loss and other negative effects. yet, keep in mind that you need to be less impulsive while spending, or it could cause you troubles. the ruler of the 2nd house is placed in the 12th house: you could possibly gain money through sprituality, and hence you may become very wealthy thanks to things such as the law of attraction, yoga, astrology, psychology, etc . you could definitely manifest material wealth and confidence with this placement!

your 3rd house is in capricorn. you enjoy listing and talking about your duties and goals. you’re the type to write down your tasks in your agenda, e.g. tidying up your room, feeding your plants etc. the problem with this placement is that you may struggle to take action, and procrastinate. or maybe, you could do the opposite and overwork yourself. no inbetween. also, when you were a child you probably started speaking later than other kids, or you speak so fast that you end up stuttering. as a result, you may often be mocked for your thoughts or for the way you speak. neptune and uranus are also sitting in this house; these two planets in this house make you extremely creative! you have original and innovative ideas that could make you an excellent writer. you have very strong beliefs that could actually be helpful for the world. you're quite 'ahead' of others from this point of view, you're able to find beauty in things without being influenced by others. for example, you may follow a fashion trend before it gets viral. you are able to come up with very innovative ways of solving problems, you're extremely creative. you may even be the type to invent your own words, or perhaps you love learning and reading new words, you have a wide vocabulary. you're also probably interested in science and any darker or logical topic, you want to use your words and theories to change something in the world. you have a very witty sense of humor, you most likely speak fluent sarcasm and you're also very astute. I would say that the only problem with this placement is that you may come off as a know-it-all. for your voice, I assume you have a very particular tone, maybe even a nasal voice. the ruler of the 3rd house is in the 4th house: you may often talk about your childhood. you may have lots of memories that you're able to remember, and hence you may tell them frequently to your loved ones.

your 4th house is in aquarius, with also saturn placed here. when you were young, you probably didn’t feel at ease with yourself. you might have been the outcast, that one kid that stood out in the daycare. you probably didn’t have many friends either, but you weren’t that sad about it. you enjoyed playing, drawing and watching your favorite cartoons alone. you find emotional comfort and security in your home, in your parents and in just family in general. you used to be very attracted to arts and/or science when you were a kid, and you kept this love with you while growing up. I can tell that your childhood was quite complex. not necessarily bad, but there were a few things that you still remember to this day. your parents could have been very hard-working and focused on work, possibly wealthy too. they were very responsible and cared a lot about you, they always made sure you had everything you needed, even though they could have been slightly absent from time to time due to their jobs. people with a 4th house saturn usually find something missing in their childhood, they had to deal with responsibilities from a young age. it could even be that you started working when you were still a teen.

your 5th house is in pisces. you have a variety of talents and creativity, but that may possibly be covered from you at first. you’d do very well at stuff that involves art and drawing. in love, you’re attracted to artsy people; if they’re into art, singing, dancing etc. they’re your ideal of soulmate. you may be very fond of children, and you probably wish to have at least one in the future, even though you may have some troubles with your future children or with giving birth. the ruler of the 5th house is in the 3rd house: this is another placement that indicates huge creativity! you are able to come up with great ideas, you are a very charismatic speaker and you probably take lots of pride in your ideas and opinions. you hardly ever give up when standing up for your ideas.

your 6th house is in aries. you work hard to be the number #1 in what you care about, especially if your goals involve school, work, health etc. your days are usually quite busy, and you tend to overwork yourself. your health may not be the best, you may often experience headaches or you may have problems in any part of your face, such as eyesight problems or maybe something involving teeth. with the ruler of the 6th house being in the 7th house, you may meet your future spouse in a health-related place. it could be at the doctor’s, at the dentist’s, in a hospital, etc. the 6th house is also about routine, so you may meet your future spouse in a typical day of yours. it could be at the supermarket, at work, while you’re walking your dog, at the gym, and so on. basically, it could be that your future spouse is going to casually approach you in the streets. you may also find yourself working in a field where you need to socialize and interact with other people.

your 7th house is in taurus. in a marriage you seek security, both emotional and financial. you want a loyal partner that would never do anything to hurt you, and that has a wealthy job as well. intimacy and trust also matter a lot for you in a long-term relationship. taurus is also ruled by venus and hence it’s an extremely positive placement! it most likely means that your relationships are very pleasant, you may have very loving partner throughout your life and you won’t have a bad memory of them when you break up. in particular, this placement usually indicates that you’re going to have a very satisfying and peaceful marriage, even though mars is also sitting in this house. you may often attract people with good looks, as venus rules beauty, but also wealthy people, and you could possibly make money thanks to other people. you may marry someone rich, or maybe your future job will involve other people, and hence you’re going to earn money by helping someone else. mars here could make things a little bit more complicated, perhaps you may find it hard to settle for someone as you may often feel too tied up in a relationship. or perhaps, you often want to dominate over people, and hence you may experience power struggles with others, there could be lots of discussions and arguing.

your 8th house is in gemini, with also mercury placed there. you may frequently find yourself thinking and studying occult/taboo topics, such as paranormal events, thrillers, tarots, astrology etc. you’re interested in finding out the truth, not only among your peers but in the whole world. you have a desire that all the malice that is hiding behind the government etc. gets exposed, even though you may be so interested in them that you could get used to it and end up overlooking them. you're extremely blunt and straight-forward, you may actually hurt people with your words. you probably lack diplomacy, and you're very realistic. the thing is, you speak the truth, but not everyone can accept it. that's why your behaviour is so controversial. you speak fluent sarcasm, and that could annoy people who don't understand your sense of humor. you're probably good at lying, and even manipulating people. you may often make others change their mind just with your own words, but be careful not to use this skill to hurt others, or you'll only experience a sense of guilt and overall the bad sides of it. on the other hand, you're an extremely captivating speaker, you'd be successful at anything that involves the use of words and voice. you're truly intuitive, and it's easy for you to understand when someone is being honest or is lying to you. last but not least, you're very secretive as well. you're probably the type to know everything and anything about others, while you remain a mystery.

your 9th house is in cancer, with also the sun sitting there. someone close, important and intimate with you may teach you the biggest lessons in your life. you could also live abroad with your family, or become a teacher in a daycare/primary school. you have a knack for philosophy, and you may be interested in foreign culture, music, fashion etc. the sun here makes you extremely open-minded! you probably hardly ever have prejudices, you don’t judge a book from its cover, as you are very supportive of others. you probably despise racism, homophobia and any kind of discrimination that doesn’t bring justice. you may also be particularly interested in studying, especially philosophy, literature, but also foreign cultures. you could be skilled or at least interested in foreign languages as well.

your 10th house is in leo. you want to be recognized and stand out. you may want to be a celebrity, or at least you want to be the one people look up to in your work place. you may be known for your successful career, maybe you may actually get popular easily. your identity revolves around finding a stable job and having a great income. also, this is a beneficial placement for people that want to be recognized/famous, as you naturally have the celebrity vibe and charisma to you. venus is also placed in this house as your most elevated planet; you may be attracted to artistic careers, such as designing for example, or even stuff like cooking. you could be a singer, a rapper, a writer… even a therapist or a counsealor, as well as an actor or comedian. writing and / or fashion could also be suitable for you, or maybe drawing. you would do well at a variety of things to be honest! my advice would be to exploit yohr creativity in some way, it could make you very successful. the ruler of the 10th house is in the 9th house: you may find work abroad, perhaps you’ll have to travel a lot for your job. maybe you’ll have to speak or learn a foreign language for your job, or perhaps you’ll have to interact with many people with a different cultural background from yours. you may possibly even work as a teacher or as a professor.

your 11th house is in virgo, with also your moon sitting there. this placement, together with your heavy scorpio influence, makes you very picky with friends. you may frequently feel happy with different people, but you only call friends a few of them. you also have friends with similiar ideals and approach to yours, hence it’s easy for you to get along as you see eye to eye. yet, once you get close to someone, your friends may literally be like family to you. you may actually have met them during your childhood or teenage years, and you've been friends ever since. your goals may be very practical, you most likely have a detailed idea of what you want to be in the future. you want everything to be organized, as it makes you feel more secure. you may also end up pursuing the career you've always dreamed about during your childhood. the ruler of the 11th house is in the 8th house: your friends could be a part of your soul family, and hence you most likely used to know them in a past life. possibly, your friends could also be wealthy.

your 12th house is in libra. you find beauty in neptunian topics, such as astrology, spirituality, dreams, art etc. you may actually be quite skilled at things that involve beauty and aesthetics. you may also be afraid of being judged, especially for your interests and/or physical appearance. you also have your scorpio jupiter placed in this house. you may have some escape tendencies to detach from reality; maybe, you use retail therapy as a coping mechanism. you could also oversleep, pray or maybe meditate to stop thinking about your worries for a while. you usually have very peaceful, romantic dreams, and your past life was quite pacific too. this placement also indicates that you may have prophetic dreams, you could predict the future through them or they may have a special meaning to you.

❤️ love life, soulmates

in love, you attract taurus, libra, pisces, aries, aquarius and scorpio. your future spouse is probably going to have prominent libra and / or aquarius placements, as well as some 7th, 2nd or 11th house dominance too. they’ll be very intelligent and talkative, they are most likely a social person but they also value alone time. you may meet them at work, and they’ll be a big boost for your self-esteem and reputation. you could also meet them in a place where you can eat, hence at a restaurant, at a bar, etc. your children are probably going to have prominent pisces placements, or at least they’ll have pisces/water traits: they’ll be spiritual, calm, artistic and sleepy, yet they may also develop a rebel/emo attitude during their teenage years.

👶🏻 family life

your mother is probably a very caring person that knows how to stand up for herself when she has to, but she may struggle to do that. in fact, she looks very emotionally detached. she also has very strong beliefs that you inherited from her. she could have capricorn, placements in her chart, as well as 11th and 10th house planets. your father is a bit softer and more romantic, he knows how to have fun and used to play a lot with you when you were a child. he probably has leo or 5th house placements in his birth chart, or perhaps he has fire placements. he may also have libra or taurus placements, as well as 7th and 2nd house planets. if you have siblings, they probably have prominent capricorn placements in their chart. you may fight a lot with them, but your relationship with your siblings will slowly get better with time. in the worst case, your mother might have had a miscarriage, or maybe they were stillborn.

📊 career

with your leo midheaven, any career that revolves around creativity and self-expression would be ideal for you!! in fact, you may have some sort of creative talent, such as writing, acting, dancing, singing, etc. in general, this placement also indicates that you may earn an income from a hobby of yours, and so it doesn’t necessarily have to be something creative. for instance, let’s suppose you’re into psychology. you’d definitely be successful as a psychologist, and there are actually lots of placements in your chart that make it a suitable job for you. possibly, you could even work with food, or perhaps you may work in a field related to money, so you may find a job in a bank. you’ll also get to travel a lot, and you’ll probably interact with other people as well. because of that, you would also make a good teacher, or maybe a translator for instance.

👕 fashion sense, style analysis

I imagine you put a lot of effort into your outifts, yet you don’t show it. you want to look effortlessly good, you don’t want to give the impression that you tried. your style may be quite minimalistic and simple, with lots of jeans, sweatshirts, plain t-shirts… I see you being more into natural shades, like white, grey, beige etc. you’re also not very fond of using too many accessories, you’re stylish but still very simple. you have this natural charm to you, hence you still look good even though your outfits may not be too complex. you could as well be fond of high quality, possibly designer clothes.

👁 past life, life purpose

in your past life, the focus was on your relationships with others. maybe, you had troubles with self-esteem and identity in general and you used to depend on others. you had to work hard and finally understand how to build healthy relationships with others to fulfill your past life purpose. hence, this lifetime your focus will be yourself. even though at first you might feel quite insecure, especially due to pluto being tightly conjunct your ascendant, this lifetime you're here to develop this matter. after all, pluto will give you may opportunities to transform yourself and grow into a better person.

🤔 major transits analysis / march 7th

you could be feeling a bit confused. with transit saturn being in your 3rd house, the house of thoughts and communication, you may be feeling constantly sleepy or perhaps sleep-deprived. you may have trouble resting or feeling at ease, especially in your home environment. your mind could be filled with worries, and hence you find it hard to relax. you may also find yourself arguing a lot with your partner or maybe with your friends or family members, especially since transit mars is about to be conjunct your natal gemini mars in a few days.

🧿 manifest what you want, secret skills

with your water dominance, you probably have a 6th sense. you’re able to manifest what you want if you subconsciously predict it, even though it may be hard. you’d have to get in touch with your higher self to do so, and hence I would suggest you to light up some candles and meditate for a bit before manifesting, in this way it will be way more effective. you may manifest something while daydreaming, for example. or perhaps, you can also try listening to your own affirmations while you sleep, as you won’t be consciously aware of that. it’s probably the most effective way.

this is the end! thank you again for booking a reading, let me know if you have any questions :) - libramc xx