#just purchased a print for myself for love day 💗

[cherry-vennom]

Stella Strzyzowska

[chained-to-the-mirror]

Some body image/self esteem rambling under the cut, and some stuff about clothes...

I don’t know if it’s the summer, or the trauma book I’ve been reading, but my brain is currently working hard on body image. It’s strange to think about it outside ED rehabilitation… that’s the framework I know from before. But I have never really made any proper progress on that front. I have been focused on hating my body, especially the way it looks. It’s very easy to hate a fat body. You are more or less expected to hate it, really. No amount of friends telling you that you should just not care about what is expected is going to help, because the subtle and not-so-subtle reminders of how wrong you are? They are everywhere.

So, I have had some hard rules about the way I dress. One rule is the length of my dresses. Just above knee is the limit - if it’s shorter than that, I can’t wear it. My upper arms? Too fat. Sleeveless tops and dresses without a jacket or a cardigan are a hard no. These are the biggest rules I have. I have sometimes worn a shorter dress with thick stockings/leggings, but I have always felt uncomfortable.

Until I wore this dress.

Initially I was a bit unsure about this. It’s rather fitted. It’s too short by my rules (I know you can’t tell in this pic, but it is). By rights I should have felt incredibly wrong while out and about in it. I didn’t wear stockings, just a pair of those short biker shorts that you wear to stop thigh chafing. I did wear a cardigan, but that’s not relevant here. I was out and about most of the day, even in places where there were quite a few people, of all ages. These things all make me nervous no matter what I wear, at least usually. 

But this time, a miracle happened. I remember walking outside, enjoying myself, even thinking I looked good or at least alright. I was not worried about people laughing at me, at my fatness. This NEVER HAPPENS. I can’t remember feeling that way in a long, long time. Clearly this dress is magical! I felt good in my skin, and was able to focus on what I was doing, and not how I was looking. I was stunned.

It happened again another day, with another dress that was also short. It’s like I’m under some spell. Because yet another day, I wore jeans and a hoodie (my usual clothing) and walked to pick up a package. I was cold sweating and out of breath with anxiety the whole way there and back. I thought those were my safe clothes? I don’t know anymore. Maybe I should wear more dresses - maybe they are my safe clothes instead.

I’ve been buying a lot of clothes and shoes during the past few weeks. I think I’m reinventing my style again or something. It’s traditionally not easy to find nice plus size clothes, but honestly in many ways it’s gotten easier. You can order so many brands online, you’re bound to find something if you look properly. But still, a lot of it is dark, shapeless, and boring. Nice prints are often reserved for the so called ”normal” sizes. And tailoring, what’s that? Of course I mostly shop fast fashion, and tailoring is really quite rare in any size category. It would be so cool to go to a tailor and get a piece of clothing done to measure, but it’s not in my price range… Still, I’ve made some good purchases, I think. My friends (you know who you are) must be sick of my constant fashion show by now. I feel like I’m always looking for reassurance - I want to hear that I’m good enough, and I can choose clothes that fit me. I really do love clothes, even though my normal clothing doesn’t really show it. Maybe something to work on.

As far as my upper arms go - no progress made on that front. They are still too fat and wobbly to see the light of day. Maybe that’s my next goal…

___

I’m sharing this in the hopes that someone maybe can relate. And be happy for me, possibly. These are such lonely things, it feels good to share them. Feel free to comment if this made you think thoughts 💗

[spockbisexual]

hello I’m avoiding studying for my stats final so I’m doing this like 2000 years late djdndjjfjf

i was tagged both by @hawkebi and @taluhkk both of whom I simply adore thank you babes ✨💗

What’s your favorite song(s) to sing?

bohemian rhapsody by queen because it brings me memories from my high school theater days, anything abba anything fleetwood mac, la media vuelta by luis miguel i don’t know man i listen to a lot of music lol

What’s your favorite flower/tree/plant?

flower: i really love peonies, and daisies and cherry blossoms and baby’s breath and cempazuchitl

tree: i love flower trees like the cherry blossom tree but i’m also a fan of like forest trees im so bad at naming them my bio teacher would be disappointed

plant: lavender and jasmine

Favorite colors?

purple/lavender, yellow, blue and green most of my clothing falls into these colors

What do you always doodle?

i don’t know how to draw so i always doodle shapes or stars and hearts

How do you take your coffee/tea?

my coffee always changes in terms of flavor but it always has to be milky im too weak for black coffee, tea with two sugars and cream unless it’s a floral or like mint tea then two sugars or honey

Favorite candle scent?

i love the scent of lavender but also vanilla and those candles that smell like a breeze or like water i love them

Sunrise or Sunset?

sunset, especially if im at the beach 

What perfume do you wear?

fun fact, i have eczema so most fragrances irritate my skin but i’ve been getting the samples of glossier you every time i make a purchase and i really dig it

What’s your go-to dance move when you’re alone?

i usually just sway when i listen to music by myself unless i’m listening to salsa then im full on dancing and either pick up one of my dogs or my cat and dance with them. i also like to pretend i’m in the ballet so ill dredge up my old training and start doing really shitty pirouettes

Favorite quote(s)?

i can’t think of a deep meaningful quote so: “lo que se ve no se pregunta” - Juan Gabriel

Favorite self care routine(s)?

shower, face mask, mug of hot tea or coffee, 3 blankets and either reading a book, listening,  and/or watching mulan, txf, star trek beyond, or p&p for the 3 billionth time

Fuzzy socks or house slippers?

i love socks but i hate wearing them so fuzzy house slippers

What color are your eyes?

brown like earth

What’s your favorite eye color on others?

i’m very fond of hazel eyes and brown eyes

Favorite season? Why?

i love the fall, autumn in southern california is like the absolute best time ever

Neck, cheek, or nose kisses?

cheek kisses. i used to great people, even strangers, by giving them a hug and a cheek kiss, but people in the us get weirded out by that so i don’t do it anymore unless i know you or you’re a fellow latine.  

What does your happy place look like?

disneyland in the fall, the park is moderately full all the rides are operational and the wait times are short, im there from morning to closing OR

the beach on a warm yet breezy day

Favorite breed of dog?

lap dogs, any dog

Do you ever want to be married?

like most children of divorced parents i have a complicated relationship with the concept of marriage, its a no from me for now

Cursive or print?

I love cursive but mine is horrible so i stick to print, it’s also terrible but slightly less

Favorite weather?

a nice crisp 74 degrees fahrenheit where the sun is shining but it’s not unbearably hot, or rainy days

i’m to lazy to tag anybody for now so if you’d like to do it just say i tagged you, i might tag people later on but who knows <3