#just meant to die to fulfill a bigger purpose and become someone else again

[aethergate]

i have too many vanitas headcannons that i just have rattle around in my head

[nadiaportia]

Life Lessons - A Past Tale

Summary: On a day meant for relaxation, a young magician-in-training finds herself in the middle of an explosive confrontation.

Starring the Rubalacaba family; Ximena, Heloisa, Cibela, Esmé and Marisol

Word count: ~4.6k

Content warning for violence (nothing too graphic) and a messed up family dynamic.

It was a warm midsummer’s day, the sun stood high in the sky and my lessons had been finished an hour earlier. Mistress Julia had congratulated me on my good work and progress and allowed to me go enjoy myself outside for the rest of the day while she was going to the docks. Her wife had been travelling to Karnassos to see her family and they haven’t seen each other for several weeks.

As it was a habit, I decided to go the aviary to relax after my lessons. The grounds were vast, in my own opinion a little too vast, so there were always places to hide but the aviary had something about it - despite the fact that I was barely on my own there. It was also my sister’s Heloisa’s prefered location; she could spend hours in there taking care and marvelling at its residents. When we were both younger, she would teach the goldfinches to sing along to her whistling and proudly showed them to the servants and our father. The aviary was her dominion, especially since our older sister couldn’t be less interested in birds and spent the time she was on the grounds training or studying. 

The aviary was a large cage made of gilded steel with vegetation and a small river flowing through it, in size bigger than the main hall in the manor, where its residents had free reign to live in. Upon entering, I heard giggling and following the path deeper into the small forest, I saw my older sister. She sat on the ground, stroking a golden pheasant on her lap while a hummingbird flew about her face. It was currently holding one of her black curls in its beak as if to pull her up from her comfortable position.

“No, please, Xquic!”, she laughed and stopped stroking the pheasant to gently let the hummingbird sit on her index finger.

“Dorian deserves his caresses too, you know I don’t play favorites.”

She had given every single bird in the aviary a name and treated each of them like individuals. I liked all of them just fine enough but to Heloisa they were as much as her friends like the noble girls she went to parties with in secret. When she saw me, a grin spread across her face. 

“Welcome to freedom! I've been here for two hours now, Livia decided to give it a rest because even she didn't have the spirits to talk for too long about this guy's manifest. I mean, reading about revolting merchants can only be so interesting, especially when you already know they were beaten after the armies of Karnassos and Bizatena came to the Zaan's aid!” 

She sighed dramatically and proceeded to make kissing noises at Xquic. I sat next to my sister. The grass was warm and soft, and Dorian raised his head to look at me. I reached out and caressed the top of his crown. 

“Well, I spent three hours trying to make portals large enough for a human to fit through, but it takes a lot of concentration. When Julia does it, it looks so easy.” 

“Your magic stuff is vastly more interesting than politicking and learning how to lie.”

“I don't get your complaints - Tía Esmé has you on track to leave the junior court meetings and go full game. Cibela attended her first meeting last year.”

My sister's smile turned into a sneer. Even though we all enjoyed the luxury of fundamental education - history, philosophy, various languages such as Bizanti, Zadithian and Prakran, literature, art, music, the sciences and common etiquette proper for a noble of Cartagenth - each of us was also given tutelage in a special field in order to prepare us for our future at the Zaan's court. 

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”, she said and shrugged, “and still, making portals, lifting objects and talking with spirits is pretty wicked and exciting.” I sighed. It didn't matter if she was the best junior politician and won several play-debates against seasoned courtiers during dinners, she would always want the talents others possessed. But I wasn't in the spirits to argue with her, not today. 

“Magic is a lot more complicated than you think, and from what Tía Esme says it might take even years before I am as good as Julia - and I don't wanna be just good enough to become a tutor.”

“By the mother, imagine that! No, you will be the greatest magician of all times, they will build statues for and tell stories of you, not only here but everywhere! Crystalleans in the North, bandits in the South, Firenti in the East and Calpacians all over will know the name Ximena de Rubalcaba!” 

I laughed and shook my head.

“If you say so, it will be true one day.”

“Of course it will.” Heloisa reassured me and gently shooed her avian companions away from us. “I talked to Tía Esmé a couple of days ago, according to her it could very well be that I were to start my travels very soon. If you asked me nicely and with a bow on top, I could consider namedropping you to the rulers of far away and powerful countries…”

“How's that going to go down? 'Oh, Queen of Prakra, say, if you happen to be looking for a magician, I might just know the right person - my fifteen year old sister!'”

“No, of course not, you idiot. One of the essences of politics is: less is often more.”

“Ah, yes, less was definitely more on the party thrown by the son of the Karnasso ambassador. Or when Shayera, Filomena and you went to a 'health resort'. Or-” 

“Okay, I get it. Phew, it's not my fault you are boring and never want to join in on the fun.” 

“Whatever. At least I won't die of boredom in cabinet rooms or in court sessions when I'm a grown-up.” 

Heloisa scoffed loudly and stood up. “Fine! And you'll never be a capable magician, in the meantime I'll be dining with the influential sovereigns of the world. Who knows, maybe I'll become the next Zaan before you manage to cast a portal!”

I looked lazily at her, how she stood over me, her hands on her hips, the sun behind her head and casting dark curly hair into a warm light. 

“Hm.” I closed my eyes and smiled as I heard her walk off and out of the aviary, fuming while murmering curses under her breath.

And yet she was also my best friend even though we were nothing alike. The nightly carousing my sister loved so much was nothing I could ever be interested in, apart from the fact that she was four years older and thus allowed to do it, but rule-breaking and rebellion without a cause in general never had the same appeal to me. It wasn't as if I hated being in company but it wasn't something I craved like a moth needed the lantern's light, and I certainly didn't have the same social charisma as her, with a face known and beloved by all and the ability to make everyone feel special in her company. I liked being on my own, listening to my own thoughts or doing things on my own such as reading, practicing on Cibela's piano whenever she wasn't on the estate (her visits were becoming rarer anyway), stealing into the kitchen to watch the servants prepare our food (the first time I had done that, they thought Madre had send me to make sure they did a good job), making sketches of the paintings in the galleries and many other things lonely noble children seemed to do, as I had been told by my cousin Agustín. The only son of Tía Esmé was a diplomat on track to becoming an ambassador and during his visits, he would stay on the family estate. Despite him and Cibela being the closest in age, they were like cats and dogs to each other, with him having thrown around the words “cruel” and “heartless” while Cibela had complained to Madre about him being a pathetic excuse of a politician and even a traitor to Cartagenth. So he spent most of his visits with Heloisa and me, even though he always told me I was his favorite - and judging by the sharp remarks he made about Heloisa, even to her own face, there was no doubt it was true. It was a nice feeling to be someone’s preferred company even though I felt as if favoritism seemed to be a family tradition, and not a good one. 

I sighed, opened my eyes again and was immediately almost blinded by the sun. The goldfinches were singing somewhere in the trees and something was chirping softly in the scrubs. A thought crept into my mind and I grinned. I sat up, leaned towards the bush and let out a whistle. It rustled and a black manakin made its way to me. 

“Hello, you cutie.” I said, and wiggled my finger at it. “Wanna help me in an experiment?”

I hoped this would work. We would throw marbles throw the portals to see whether they fulfilled their purpose but never tried it with a living organism, so if it didn't work…

The manakin tilted his head and looked at me. I sighed. 

“Right, you don't understand human speech.” I reached out and softly stroked his chest. “But you're not flying away, so I'll take that as a yes.” He nibbled at my finger. “I'll collect some worms for you, I don't have a problem with digging in the ground unlike someone else.”

A chirp, whether he actually understood a word was another matter.

I closed my eyes and let out a breath. I tuned out the noises all around me and concentrated on the manakin, where it was and on creating a gateway to bring it to another location - not very far, just a few meters away from me. A noise that wasn't quite a noise caught my attention and upon opening my eyes, I saw the bird looking curiously at a small doorway, big enough for him to comfortably fit through, and another one near a tree trunk.

“That's for you. Please…?” 

The manakin looked at me as if he himself was unsure of this.

“Go ahead, nothing will happen.” I said with hopefully enough conviction in my voice. 

It seemed to have hit the mark because he jumped through it - and reappeared a few meters away from me. 

“Yes!”, I screamed and pumped a fist in the air and startling the manakin who jumped about a foot in the air.

Time flew by as I made portals, some bigger than others, for my new friend to walk or fly through, and he strangely seemed to find as much joy as this as me. 

I was in the middle of making another one when I heard footsteps. To my surprise, it was Heloisa, with her face dark like a beetroot and her mouth twisted into a snarl.

“What happened?” I asked worried, hurrying over to her but instead of an answer she pushed me away. Her eyes were rimmed red and there was a glint of fire in copper brown that made me take a step back. 

“What do you think you're going to do with this?”

“Get out of my way!”, was the snappy answer I received as she made her way over to a tree, reached into a hole in the trunk and pulled something out. A shining steel blade, one that I was sure I had seen many many times.

“By the Devil, is that one of the Nopali swords in the ancestral gallery?” I blurted out and followed Heloisa as she stomped out of the aviary. When I got no verbal response, I grabbed her arm and made her face me. 

Her lips switched and she scrunched her nose. 

“You'll see soon enough what I'll do to her.” Wrenching loose of my grip, she whirled around and continued her way, and it hit me like a falling anvil to know where she was going. The aviary wasn't far from the estate building itself so it didn't take too long before we reached the first inner court which also functioned as training grounds for the guards. In the center, on the sand ground, a young woman in light armor with one arm on her back and the other wielding a blunt training sword was parrying the blow of a figure also clad in light armor and with a double-handed sword. She dodged the next blow, made a sidestep and used the momentum to hit her opponent in the side with the swords pommel. The opponent clutched their side and wheeled around to meet her blow, metal hitting metal in an ugly noise.

“Hey! Cibela!” Neither of the figures acknowledged us but merely continued their melee.

“Don't tell me you want do what I think you want to do.” I sighed and held Heloisa's arm. 

“Don't tell me what to do,”, she hissed and shoved me away, “and don't even dare to tell Mother. Cibela!”

“Don't be stupid and put down the sword, please! You'll hurt each other.”

Fury was written all over her face when she said: “That's exactly what I want to do. I've had enough of her thinking she is better than me just for being allowed to train as a warrior!”

“Then challenge her to chess or something, not a swordfight.”

Heloisa let out a mocking laugh. “Of course you'd say that, words befitting of a cowardly magician.” My cheeks stung at her words as if I had been slapped in the face. “You wouldn't understand. You don't have any fighting spirit, so all you are good for is rolling over and playing dead.”

“I just know that fighting battles I can't win doesn't do any good.”

The noise of a body hitting the floor brought our attention back to the fighters and we saw how the woman took the hand of her opponent to be helped off the ground. Dark curls had escaped her braid during the fight and made her look distinctively messy, beads of sweat glittered on her forehead and her neck and face were flushed. 

“May the Devil damn you, stop distracting me!”, she yelled at us and pushed the loose strands of her out of her face. Dark eyes fixated us angrily and Heloisa laughed yet again. 

“Oh, is it that easy? I'm starting to believe you are not good a fighter as you make everyone believe. How do you even survive on those battlefields you claim you're so successful on?”

Cibela's face flushed even darker than it did from the exhaustion and she let out an angry snarl. “A mercenary is easy work compared to you, sister. Now go away, be a nuisance elsewhere.”

“No, I won't!” Heloisa screamed and held out the sword in front of her. The swordsman dropped their sword in shock and made a motion to walk over to us.

“Stay your hand, Octavio, or I'll have you fired and sent to live with the rats in the gutter.”

“Lady Heloisa, please calm down. The sword you're holding is sharp.”

Cibela let out a laugh. “Of course it is. Stop this nonsense before you hurt yourself, you're not worth a fight.”

I couldn't stop her from stomping at Cibela and I threw myself between the two of them, holding my hands out. “Will you two stop provoking each other?” I knew better than to ask what exactly caused this dispute to begin; I wouldn't get an answer anyway. Heloisa and Cibela constantly butted heads over even the smallest issues, and it wasn't helped by the fact that they were both too eager to find reasons to get into arguments. 

Cibela's lip curled in a sneer. “Even Ximena is more of a realist than you. She knows I'd gut you like a fish if this were an actual fight. You are no fighter; all you can do is talk a lot and charm people into doing what you want them to - and that is something everyone can do, it takes no real talent. You're just as stupid and useless as those birds you love so much - pretty to look at and have around with their feathers and songs but shallow and of no use whatsoever.”

Heloisa roared in anger, lifted the sword and ran at our sister. I jumped out of the way, and saw in shock how Cibela easily dodged the blow and took a few steps back.

“I won't fight you, you don't even know how to! It's a waste of my time and an easy kill.”

Frantically I turned to Octavio. “Get whoever, otherwise they'll kill each other for real!”, I yelled and as Cibela's coach ran off, I stood up and thought about what to do. Damn me for not knowing how to make protective shields! 

“Get a real sword and let's find out, and do you think me so stupid to fight you without knowing how to?”

“Yes, I do.”

The next hit on the tourney sword left a dent in it, and Heloisa let out a triumphant laugh. “Don't bother with holding back, or is that all you can do? I have long suspected all you did on those battlefields was have others do your dirty work, seems I was right after all!”

A kick to the stomach silenced Heloisa and sent her tumbling back. Cibela scoffed and walked back to the assembly of swords to train with and took out a silver shortsword. “Yield now, sister. Scars don't suit you and we'd never hear the end of it.”

“I have been watching you train with Octavio and the others, do you really think I never learned even a bit? Or that I might have had someone who helped me from time to time?” The grin slipped from her face as Cibela approached her with sure steps, sword in hands and swung at her. Heloisa ducked and scrambled away from our sister's reach, who looked merely amused. “I think you're in way over your head. But I will give you a lesson you will not forget ever, that you may know your place and to stay in it.”

A quick movement and Cibela took off, sword pulled back to strike at Heloisa, who stood her ground with a determined look on her face. But the impact of Cibela, who was at least a head taller and had a more muscular frame, was enough to send her on her back onto the ground. “Your battles are in court and with words, not blades.”

I screamed in terror as Cibela threw back her arm, to swing it at Heloisa's face-

I acted on instinct, for fear for my sister's life. Light bubbled in my hands and I aimed it at the two. Cibela groaned at the blinding light and covered her face as she stumbled back as Heloisa gave a hard kick at her ankle and rolled out from under her.

“You're a true magician, Ximena,”, Cibela spat at me, her face scrunched up in anger as she stood up, “too much of a coward to get involved directly but always ready to help with dirty tricks. You two are a disgrace to our family name.” Then she spun around to catch Heloisa's wrist, I hadn't even noticed her getting up again and trying to hit Cibela in the back with the pommel. 

“Especially you.”

Her grip was so hard that it made Heloisa scream in pain, she dropped the sword and let it fall into the dust between them. Cibela let her fall back, and as if through fog I saw the blade in her other hand find its way onto Heloisa's torso, connecting with it at the shoulder blade and making its way to the hipbone. Someone's shrill scream rang in my ears and only when I covered my mouth I realized it had been me. But I couldn't move, I was rooted to the spot as I watched my sisters, one standing with the tip of her blade bloodied over the other, lying on the group, gasping like a fish out of water.

Someone else's scream brought me back to reality and I spun around to see our mother and our aunt make their way to us, Octavio hot on their heels. 

“Oh my goodness!” Madre threw her hands to her face as she saw Heloisa in the dust. Her flowing purple gown fluttered behind her as she ran to them, while Tía Esmé approached me and grabbed me by the shoulders with urgency. “Marilena, what happened? Be quick about it.”

I stumbled upon my words various times and only when she dabbed my face with her cape, I noticed tears were streaming down my face. “He-Heloisa challenged Cibela to a-a fight. I didn't think they'd ac-actually-”

“What's done is done. With me, now.” Her hand wrapped around my wrist like a vice as she pulled me along. “Julia taught you the basics of healing, now's time to make use of them.” 

I gaped at Tía Esmé but the steely look in her eyes made me swallow my doubts. 

“Are you happy now? Isn't that what you wanted?” Cibela's voice was cold as ice, no hint of regret upon what she did. 

“Cibela, what have you done?” Mother cried as she cradled Heloisa, tears were freely running down her face and leaving dark traces of her make-up. My sister was looking at the cut in her chest as if she couldn't believe what just happened. The blood was beginning to stain the burgundy fabric black as it seeped out. She raised a hand to touch it and screamed at the sight of her own blood on it.

“I gave my dearly beloved sister what she was so desperately chasing; someone who would put her back in her place and teach her some respect.”

I stared at Cibela and felt my throat tighten at the venom in her words. For a brief moment, nothing more than a split second, I considered picking up the sword on the ground and hitting her with it, but the thought of it frightened me as soon as I finished it. 

The vice around my wrist disappeared and Tía Esmé closed in on Cibela, who held up her chin in defiance. “Did you stop to think about turning down the duel and reason with her without spitting poison? Is this how an officer of the Grand Army of Cartagenth behaves, or this is more akin to a lawless bandit?”

Cibela took a step forward, her face mere inches away from Tía Esmé. “She was the one who insisted on a duel, she can be lucky I decided to show mercy even if I was in the full right to kill her and I wouldn't have shed a tear if I had done so.”

The silence behind that statement lasted both nothing and an eternity, and the ensuing sound of the back of Esmé's hand hitting Cibela's face full force seemed deafening. Mother screamed and instantly let go of Heloisa to help her eldest of the dust, leaving me to catch her before she hit the ground.

“You ungrateful little parasite.” Esmé sneered as Cibela held the side of her face where she had been hit, “have you learnt nothing? Family is the only thing that matters. Without us, you’re a fucking nobody. Get out of my sight.”

Cibela scrambled onto her feet, a trail of blood running down her nose and furious tears building in her eyes. Without a further word she whirled around and left the training grounds, with Madre running after her and saying words made unintelligible by her sobs.

“Octavio, get a doctor. Have them bring something for transport.” The coach bowed quickly with a murmured “Yes, General.” and ran back into the building.

I took a deep breath as I laid my hands on Heloisa's chest. She let out a scream and squeezed her eyes shut. Esmé knelt next to us and regarded the wound with an expert's eye.

“Try to keep her from bleeding out, from what I see the wound is not deep enough to make lethal damage but you can never know. I've seen soldiers bleed to death from a lot less and survive a lot worse.”

She reached out and took Heloisa's hand, gently stroking the back of it with her thumb. “Stay awake, it'll all be alright.”

…

It would be alright, but it ended up taking two whole months. Two months that Heloisa spent in bed, taking medicine that would hurry up the healing process and barely being able to move without experiencing pain. That did not prevent her tutors from giving her stuff to read and it drove her mad with anger, along with the fact that this prohibited her from leaving with the junior council to places such as Vesuvia and Firent. I was the one keeping her company most of the evenings, occasionally Madre or Padre would join but more often than not instead of them it was Tía Esmé if she happened to be on the grounds and not in the city or at court giving war council. Cibela had left the estate grounds days after the incident to lead a division of Cartagense soldiers to the Sea of Persephia, which had to be a journey of approximately two months. After a long discussion between Tía Esmé and Madre on which I had eavesdropped, they decided it was best to send Cibela away for at least a while for the bad blood to die down, and the troops desperately needed support on the front.

“Against who is the Grand Army fighting now?” I asked Tía Esmé one evening during dinner.

“The Bizanti are on the verge of starting a trade war after being threatened by a small, way too insignificant city state and it is our duty to stand by our allies and aid them in crushing the enemy.” Her gaze turned cool as she spoke. “You make it sound as if you think we are always at war with others.”

“Aren't we? You're always holding war councils with the Zaan and his courtiers.”

“Ximena!” Madre put down her fork and looked at me. “Don't speak like this to your aunt, especially not at the table.” But Tía Esmé merely raised her hand. “I don't mind, Marisol. And I don't blame you, dearest, after all you are still only a child whereas your sisters understand the way things work. We have the right to defend ourselves from our enemies at all costs.”

“I know, but does it have to be that way? Agustín surely could solve this, isn’t that what diplomats are for?” Aunt Esmé regarded me with a raised eyebrow, Madre laughed quietly and soon everyone turned their attention back to the food. Even Heloisa seemed to agree with them when I told her what happened at dinner.

“You should be glad we have people like Tía Esmé. If generals like her hadn't been so successful, Cartagenth would’ve already been conquered by someone and instead of the Zaan, some foreign ruler would call the shots.”

I sighed. “Maybe you're right. But not everything needs to end in bloodshed.” You out of all people should know that, I thought bitterly and sat down in an armchair. 

“Some people simply don't know better,”, Heloisa sighed, like always lacking self-awareness, and turned her attention back to her book. I looked at her, my tongue barely holding back a sharp remark, and grabbed the card deck. With Julia not teaching me divination beyond the basics, it was the only area I had to work on myself. The books in the library were helpful but it was mostly a matter of practice, as I found out. A lot of practice and listening. I shuffled the deck and pulled out a card. Justice, reversed. Unfairness and lies. How very fitting.

[riversnthedesert-blog]

Some Real Talk on Hollywood and the Deep Things in Life

Well, I was originally going to slide this in as a Facebook post, but I had this sudden idea to just make it a blog post. The first of many, let’s hope! There have been so many times where I have started to comment/make a post, etc., and then I began writing a novel. But, it’s called Face “book,” so you think it’d be ok, right? Listen, I have thoughts. Don’t you? One thought here, another there, and then my mind be like, “OH! Forgot about that...and YEAH! That, too!”…and a lot of the time it’s easier to just write and get my thoughts out that way rather than speaking it. It’s a relief, man! Write ya mind. It would suffice to say there’s a lot that goes on up there. Better log it quick because as soon as I have something important...here cometh something else. Ah, feelings, the mind, expressions, inner things, brain files....

So, now that you, reader, have become acquainted with my thought processes, because you desperately needed to know...let’s get to the content.

You guys pray for Hollywood. There are some really creepy things going on behind the scenes….and creepy is an understatement, as I’d do well to keep it kosher in my description. Many things would shock you. But if one isn’t awake so to speak…or one isn’t open to hear in full, there’s confusion. If I could compare it to a puzzle: it’s like there’s all these pieces to a big puzzle. And until someone is ready to sit down and actually put it together, it’s just all these random pieces everywhere...and it’s messy and annoying. You must be willing to sit, observe the pieces, and study them because by themselves they don’t fit anywhere. And since you don’t know what to do with it, it just sits there, and never gets connected; the bigger picture never gets seen. This all might seem confusing, because you haven’t yet sat down to solve the puzzle. Let’s me just say...I don’t have 100% of the puzzle solved, but there are certain things that have been brought to light. But if we go back to the puzzle analogy, if you put together enough pieces of a particular part of the puzzle,you may not see all the details, but you see enough to maybe see, “Oh this is puzzle has a cat in it.” In the case for Hollywood, you might get to a place where you’ll say, “Oh, this puzzle has a rat.” It may seem like I am just finding something to poke at or what have you, but listen: 

The Bible says, “be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. (1 Peter 5:8)”  and in Ephesians 5:8-13, it says, “For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness, and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord. Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible--and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.”

The Bible in different places talk about knowing wisdom (of God), being discerning, and having knowledge. Jesus said in Matthew 10:16, “Behold, I send you out as sheep among wolves, therefore be wise as serpents and gentle as doves.”

With that in mind, it’s important to note that we shouldn’t be unaware of the devil’s schemes. We should know our enemy’s tactics in order to guard against it. So when we see the deception, the lies, the fake news, the idolatry, the game of distraction, and materialism and fame, the plan of the enemy to sway hearts deceitfully and subtly for his kingdom, we are prepared and not caught off guard.

[Later, hopefully, I will try to discuss this more in depth at as it relates to the Antichrist agenda that is at work in the world by globalist leaders.]

Getting to the point here:

 Pray for your favorite celebrities. God has an army, but so does the devil. God wants to recruit, but so does the the devil. One is Light, one masquerades as light, but is actually darkness. One is good, one appears good. One is true, one is the counterfeit.

Please hear me. The world’s biggest influencers are definitely a target of Satan because they have the platform to be able to change an entire culture. How does this happen? MUSIC, ART…things that grip the HEART. Things that speak to the deepest places in people, the places of pain, emptiness, woes of many kinds. Why is this such a soft spot for the human race? Why are most songs about love and pain? I mean, why is music the language that everyone understands? We’re about to get into that.

[Disclaimer: I don’t know everything, and I don’t claim to. But with evidence from the Bible (God’s word), and when hings that were once just an idea or only talked about begin blatantly flaunting themselves in plain sight, you tend to not just tuck it away hoping that what you saw wasn’t real. With that being said, here we go.]

It’s not hard to find the answer if you really wanna know (read Matthew 7:7). Our inmost being cries out for LOVE. But, hey man, why does love in this world seem to suck a lot of the time? Could it be that we’re going about it all wrong? Could it be that we’re hitting something, but haven’t quite dug it all up to actually see what it is? Love is real, ok. Love is DEEP and beautiful and poetic and all those things, but love is meant to be JOYFUL, though. Does this world see much real, raw, joyful love? Romanticism? Yes. Infatuation? You bet. Any idea how to sustain a marriage? Look at the divorce rate. What is that all about, my friends? Does anyone know what love is anymore? There are SONGS about this. People want to know, though. Their souls try out to know...WHAT THE HECK IS THIS LOVE THING THAT TAKES ME OVER AND THEN LEAVES ME BROKEN AND WASHED UP ON THE SHORE TO SHRIVEL UP AND DIE?Okay, we’re getting somewhere, but in order to go any further, we must admit: Something is wrong, perverted, amiss, broken, disturbed, frustrated...yet, we gotta have it in order to LIVE. This is crazy revelation, right? Fasten your seat belts, people, and as Samuel L. Jackson said in Jurassic Park, “Hold on to your butts!”

So we have just come to the point of realization that someone is doing something wrong. Right? *heh*

First step. Admitting something is wrong.

But chin up fam, there’s no shame. Because the world’s just trying to do the best they can with what they’ve got. It’s like survival mode. And you know animals when they try to find their food to survive...they kill, they go crazy to get their essentials. Dog eat dog world, am I right? The CARNAL mind. Did you know humans have carnal minds, too? Yeah, it’s a thing. The carnal mind deals with the flesh (aka: how we compensate without God. Doing life without Him...either on purpose or ignorantly. Survival mode, because if I don’t fend for myself, I’m at risk of dying. Fear mode. The twisted mentality that my desire (the heart) has to be met before I am fully satisfied.

And the Bible says, “Those who are in [operating out of] the flesh cannot please God. (Romans 8:8) 

K. Well, wait a minute, that sounds rather harsh. 

Hold on, though because I’m going to explain and bring more clarity.

What is the opposite of the flesh?  You might argue, “So if the flesh is all we know...what the heck, man! Like, I have desires, don’t you? I gotta give up my happiness and all that brings me joy?”

No bruh, not exactly. See, if someone is living in the flesh, they are living in an illusion. The illusion that if they “meet their desires themselves [based on their limited power and understanding as a human being of what it is they want/need]. Living based on the flesh will keep someone in a hopeless cycle of temporary fulfillment which will lead, eventually, to a state of deprivation, disappointment, and (un)fulfillment because they are depriving themselves of the SOURCE of their life.

What’s the source, you ask? Who made you and knows what you truly desire and need; what’s at core of your heart. Who knows how it operates? Who saw your unformed body? (Please friends, I’m begging you to read Psalm 139)

Does God just want take away our desires to rob us of delight and a fun, abundant life, just because? Does He want to see us thrive? 

Men, women, young and old, children of all ages. I’d like to introduce you to my Father in Heaven who is a God of GOODNESS. He is Spirit. And the nature of his Spirit are aaalll of these

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.

God is good. Anything not good is contrary to His nature. 

Sin = not good. What is sin? Woah! Another post, for another time.

I have suffieciently dove into the deep end. There are rabbits hopping everywhere because my mind has gone down so many trails to explain this all to you. There’s more. 

*Self notes: post to be made on flesh desires and God desires.

 [Or read Romans 8]

Wrapping up our discussion with some further thoughts:

If the world doesn’t know the power and love of Jesus, they’re just trying to figure it out and compensate. We did something important earlier. We recognized we have been going about love all wrong. God wants to show us how to do it right, but He won’t force us. Instead, He lovingly leads, allows His children to live out the love they have received through Him. “We love because He first loved us (1 John 4:19-21)” HA! Let me say it again. Love is not to be forced. Not saying that there isn’t sacrifice involved in love because there is, but when it’s properly received and you do it the right way, it looks like Jesus on the Cross. 

Gotta go to the Book with this. 1 Corinthians 13. Love.

*All kinds of things are stirring up in me because I know some are going to say to themselves, “well dats the Bible, that ain’t no solid truth. How can you say that’s truth, made made it!” I will explain to all my atheists friends out there one day, but not now because I literally will start writing a novel right here and now. Help, me, Lord. And like a faithful friend, He will.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (That’s 1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

So if that’s all the characteristics of love, we can say that those are the characteristics of God, too, because 1 John 4:8 says, “God is love.”

If we are imperfect people, we love imperfectly. But wait just a second here because in 1 John 4, if we read the whole thing, it says

“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him.In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.”

So if one isn’t a believer in Jesus, like hasn’t received Him as Lord and Savior, then it would be true also to say that they don’t know Love if they don’t know God.

When someone doesn’t know God, because we were made in His image and His likeness (Genesis 1:27, Gen. 9:6), we still have attributes and qualities of God. The Bible also says, “eternity was placed in the human heart, (Ecclesiastes 3:11), people can be without God but still be operating out of the qualities and attributes they were made with. I’m sure God did that intentionally to help us find our way back to “truth north” in the event that we should become lost. What I am saying friends is that people who reject Jesus at this point, choose Atheism, paganism, Gnosticism, and other forms of religion, they still have that eternity void that needs to be filled. And some further discussion on the void of eternity:

Think of eternity as an umbrella…and under the umbrella, there’s

LOVE

MEANING

PURPOSE

TRUTH

If all of these are within the concept of eternity, then all of us have the bent within us to go after them. It’s in us to find these things…because we are trying to get back to our “true north.”

But wait! Because if “true north” is God. How do we know which avenue to God is the right one?

“Oh, boy. You’ve done it now, Lex.”

[to be continued...]

[capicide]

A New Beginning

Life is funny. We don’t ask for it but we can’t give it up. It is something of a disease and cure both. It is pain and pleasure all wrapped in one package. You can’t separate the two from each other and every time you get a taste of one, the other one undoubtedly will attach itself to your taste buds. I hear the reason for it is to have greater appreciation of one and reduce despair while experiencing the other.

I experienced pain this year due to an event. It may seem trivial to some but for an immigrant boy who is trying really hard to create a place for himself and craft an identity, it was really hard. Because, my whole worth was being judged and ultimately rejected. I was told I have nothing to offer to a country despite all the time and money I had spent living and contributing to it. Sure, the pain wasn’t physical but it hurt me deeply. I am used to having no information about the future and constantly living one day at a time but this unfortunate event happened when I was just feeling comfortable in my skin. When I was feeling that I have found myself and finally made myself the hero of my own story. So, when the declaration came, I realized this story does not have a structure yet and I was wrong to assume it ever had. This meant that I had to start writing again. Like I said, I am not a stranger to to having to rewrite my own story multiple times but suddenly I felt weak. I felt my arms could not move, my legs would not lift from the ground, my body could not respond to my brain, and the only thing I was capable of doing was breathing. Breathe in and out, breathe in and out. And then, the world went silent and dark. The only sound was the sound of my breathing. Of course, to others, I was the same. I talked to people, went to work, hung out with my friends. But I was alone. Deaf, blind, crippled, and alone. Maybe it shouldn’t have hit me this hard. Maybe, as everyone else says, I should’ve thought about the millions who are smarter than I am but cannot be in my situation because they simply can’t afford it. Those thoughts did not comfort me one bit. If anything, it hurt me more. By emphasizing that there are many others who should be in my shoes but can’t, my self worth got diminished even more because it highlighted my incompetence to seize an opportunity properly. Soon, I started hating myself. The breathing sound which was a sign of relief that I am still alive turned into a frustrating noise bothering me with its insistence on being present. I did not want it. I wanted it gone. But I couldn’t snuff it out myself and no accident happened to cause it. Eventually, I was in a self-hating and deprecating loop:

I hate myself because I am too weak and I should die. I can’t die because I am too weak to kill myself. I hate myself because I am too weak.

When thoughts like that make a nest inside your head, there is not much you can do. You can either succumb to the pain or do nothing and be numb. I chose the latter because I am too much of a coward, to my dismay, to do anything to myself. Also, there was a sparkle of hope. There were talks of another work opportunity, somewhere where I could find my self-worth again if I was willing to be patient. And so I waited and waited. The things is after feeling numb and being numb for some time, that becomes your natural state and you become comfortable with it and don’t mind it as much. But soon, you feel like your body is shutting down. You feel sleepy and being too anxious to sleep at the same time. To keep it short, I was uncomfortable and willing to do anything including to die just so I had a purpose. But news came that the opportunity is coming to fruition and the caveat is that I have to take huge risk in order to see it till the end. I would have to leave the place to which I came with a modicum of hope and dream to create a life worth living, possibly forever. 

For once, in a long while, I have the strange but familiar feeling of being hopeful. I think the chances of this opportunity ending in success is actually high. But, this means I have to start creating life elsewhere and rewrite my story or add a huge twist to it without provoking the audience too much. 

I have spent 5 years in Sweden and now I have the chance to go to Canada and work at a bigger company. This could lead to huge successes and it could be a total bust. But having a goal, regardless of the odds of reaching it, is much better than being in a limbo state for a long time. This should make me happy. And it has. I have more energy, I can sleep longer hours without waking up in the middle of the night. But, I feel sad. And it’s not being sad about leaving a familiar place and going towards the unknown. I’m actually quite excited about it. Sad about losing someone. Someone very special whom I met a couple of years ago. A shy person, someone hard to get to open up but full of life and excitement. A person who taught me so many important things in life which I will always cherish. An introvert woman with barriers but also willing to try new things. I spent not enough time with her but those rare occasions were all very special. Rarely you meet someone so intelligent that you feel like you are getting smarter just by talking to them and she was like that. My regret is that possibly, I will not see her again. She won’t be a character in my story anymore. She will be one of those characters who had had large role in the beginning but began to fade out in the middle because they had fulfilled their role of helping grow the protagonist or move the plot forward. I don’t want that to be true. I want her to make a dramatic return in later chapters and become a main character overshadowing the protagonist with her charisma and wit. But the harsh truth is we forget. We forget tragedies to able to cope and keep living and we forget kindness to able to accept more. I will forget her and she will forget me. Soon, the only time I will remember her is when someone or something reminds me of a familiar feeling and I would have to search really hard until to unceremoniously reach the conclusion that there was this girl with whom I have this memory. Soon, I will forget her name and she will forget mine. I know people say it’s impossible to be out of touch with friends because of social media. But as you grow older and your mind gets occupied with storing new memories, it is only rational that older ones fade away to nothing. Therefore, I am quite sad that day will inevitably comes. Sure, I can still be in contact but there will be no possibility of growth. 

As the title says, it is a new beginning for me. With six months of despair and sadness passed, I am feeling hopeful once again. I am wary of the consequences of disappointment whilst being optimist but is worth it. So, once again I am going full speed towards the unknown. I did it once and kept going for five years. Hope this time it goes on for longer. Who knows? Maybe I will find my way to her one day. Maybe not. I am just glad I got to meet and have a friendship with such an awesome character. She will do great things in her story. And I am ready to have a small positive impact on mine. After all, the stories are just starting.

Signing Off!

[keepingup-withthetargaryens]

S7, E5: Eastwatch

More like Bae-fucking-watch. Am I right?

So Jaime is alive and not really very well, but thanks to Bronn, still breathing. I like that he still has the energy to insult Bronn for possibly killing him when, he was literally launching himself at a dragon. I’m really curious as to HOW Jaime and Bronn are somehow magically DOWN RIVER of all of the chaos, and unsure as to how that river is THAT DEEP. Westerosi magic.

Meanwhile, Dany is addressing everyone with Drogon looming over them. She tells them to bend the knee or die, and honestly doesn’t show herself to be much different than Cersei when she just verbalized that she is. But, then again, Cersei didn’t give the people in the Sept of Baelor a choice, did she? Details, details.

Tyrion tries to tell her to give them the option of a cell, and she doesn’t like the idea of slavery - she just freed a ton of people in Essos from that bond, and frankly, we don’t have time for that this season. We have bigger fish to fry. Like Dickon and Randyll Tarly, apparently.

Honestly, this was dumb. Fry Randyll, fine. But Dickon? I don’t like the dude, but I think he could have served more of a purpose if he wasn’t crispy. I really didn’t think she would kill both of them. But - luckily for us, we know that Sam is still alive and just inherited everything that House Tarly was, which he can now do since he’s no longer becoming a Maester - if he survives the war for the dawn. RIP Dicksa fandom (which I just learned about last night and now I feel like it’s ironic that it’s 100% put to rest).

The whole burning people alive thing is 100% a nod to her father, the Mad King, whom everyone compares her to, and she just took one step closer. But I don’t think she’ll remain on that path... D&D just like drama. And I don’t think she particularly enjoyed doing it, by the way she said Dracarys. It was merely a tool to sacrifice two to get the rest of the men on board.

Meanwhile, back in incest-ville, Jaime is SHOOK. Cersei’s like “it’ll be fine” and he’s like, “really? really? let me tell you how it all went down” and she still doesn’t really back down. To be continued.

Back on Dragonstone, Dany and Drogon have landed.

And Jon is conveniently waiting for them on a cliff like ye olde war wives.

Literally my face while watching this scene.

Idk about you, but if I saw a dragon land in front of me and show me its teeth, the first thing I’d do is be polite and take off my glove before touching it. Jon knows his manners.

How expensive was this? Very. But honestly as someone who has been WAITING for Jon to interact with a dragon for 10+ years, this was highly satisfying. Essentially the significance here is that while Dany can semi-control and interact with her dragons, they aren’t keen on letting anyone else do it. They didn’t even let Tyrion all that close to them, although they didn’t kill him either (and that’s an entire other can of worms with the Tyrion as a secret Targaryen theory and I’m not going into that right now) and Jon doesn’t even have any food for him, but Drogon seems perfectly content to let Jon touch him. Typically, only dragon riders, Targaryens, and people who had been around dragons for a LONG time could get this close to them in the books. So - take this with GREAT significance, and more to come once the episode moves along. Needless to say, Dany is also VERY interested in the fact that Drogon lets Jon do this.

Also, if you watch when she’s telling him that no matter how scary they are, they’re still her children, he’s literally heart-eyes-motherfucker staring straight at her before he catches himself and says “you weren’t gone long”.

Dany asks him about what Davos meant when he said Jon took a knife in his heart for his people, and he tells her that Davos often gets carried away - but he doesn’t get the chance to tell her because...

Guess who’s back with a brand new track?

J-J-J-Jorah the explorer! A.K.A. Ser Friendzone.

When she hugged him, all I could think about was that letter that he wrote her when he thought he was going to have to fall on his sword or be taken by greyscale and it was literally the sappiest love letter - and I know sappy love letters because I teach middle school (I know).

That is a HUG and Jon isn’t too excited about it, but Jon isn’t really excited about anything, ever.

The irony here is that Jon carries Jorah’s family sword, and Jon’s best friend rid Jorah of greyscale. One big happy family.

This face literally translates to “what are you doing here with my queen you broody hot asshole?” 

That’s so Raven/Raisin Bran gets a vision and tells everyone, via raven. Like, the entire country. Bran is the mobile CNN update of Westeros.

Annoying old dudes are annoying. Listen to Sam, you assholes.

Jon: babe, I gotta go Dany: so soon? You don’t have any men and I didn’t tell you that you could go Jon: I gotta go Jorah: I AM BIGGER AND STRONGER I WILL GO Everyone: *ignores Jorah* Tyrion: Hold on I have a clever plan, let’s show Cersei white walkers are real and then she won’t want to kill us all Everyone: she will always want to kill us all Tyrion: But maybe not right now - delay it a while Everyone: great plan Jorah: Does this mean I get to be an explorer Everyone *ignores Jorah*

So last time anyone tried to bring a Wight down south, they had that hand that was all rotted out by the time it got to King’s Landing. Also this was the point in the show when I realized the particular reddit spoilers I found were real and correct. Ugh. Like, I’m happy to have episode outlines but I’m also not?

Meanwhile, Bronn sets up a secret meeting, and Jaime is NOT HAPPY. 

Meanwhlie, Davos goes to find Gendry. “I thought you might still be rowing” - DAVOS IS ALL OF US since season 3

Here he is looking like a goddamn Christian Bale but better.

And he has a warhammer.

HELLO, reference to Robert, who fought with one, and killed Rhaegar with it.

“This is Gendry” “He’ll do”  OH HE WILL MORE THAN DO.

Cersei is pregnant with another incestuous child. Joy!

Moving on, I am such a stan for this moment because they are both so great. I like how they talk about how their fathers were friends and I’m just like oh but Ned wasn’t your father but go on being adorable together.

Jorah: bye babe Jorah: *sees Jon* Jorah: *marks his territory* Jon: bye, if I die you won’t have to worry about conquering my territory or me bending the knee Dany: but.... don’t..... go... 

Dany: *watches all baes sail away*

Okay. All jokes aside, THIS is one of the most important scenes GoT has ever shown us. To most people, who are NOT book readers, it was just Gilly talking about some guy who kept a too-detailed journal, and Sam getting fed up with all this shit. 

BUT.

Gilly asks Sam what an annulment is. Sam tells her it’s when a man sets aside his lawful wife and takes another. She says that a prince “Raggar” (Rhaegar) got an annulment and married another in a secret ceremony in Dorne.

HELLO.

OH my god I’m mentally screaming.

Rhaegar Targaryen. Dany’s brother. Jon’s father. He was married to Elia Martell of Dorne (Oberyn’s sister). She had two sons with him, but he knew that “the dragon has three heads” and he believed his children would fulfill an ancient prophecy. She couldn’t have any more children since she almost died having their second, and he got an annulment. From Elia. He MARRIED LYANNA STARK IN A SECRET CEREMONY IN DORNE. 

1) This shuts down the polygamist theories that have been floating around for years

2) If Jon’s parents were officially MARRIED at the time of his birth, he is NOT a bastard at all, but a legitimate Targaryen and the rightful heir to the throne of the seven kingdoms, as Rhaegar was crown prince, and it’s passed down through the male line. 

Like... WHAT. I. HAVE. BEEN. WAITING. YEARS. FOR. THIS. AND. YOU. CASUALLY. DROP. IT. IN. MY. FACE.

Rhaegar and Lyanna are literally my favorite thing about Game of Thrones. If we don’t get a flashback of them, I’m going to freak out. Although they supposedly cast this guy named Wilf as Rhaegar and I’m so much more down with Devin Oliver being Rhaegar but... oh well. I love the people of the internet for these anyway:

So, anyway, reference that back to Jon being so friendly with Drogon - bam. Targaryen blood. Blood of the dragon. Love it, this is amazing, I am living. Go, Targaryen baby, go.

Okay, another thing that needs explaining. Littlefinger is 100% trying to turn Arya and Sansa against each other. What we have to remember is that they DID NOT get along as children, and they haven’t seen each other in years. Yes, they are family, but their bond is not all that great. Arya is already mad at Sansa for not sticking up for Jon when the lords were talking shit about him.

So, remember how they said that Maeser Luwin kept copies of every Raven scroll that was sent to Winterfell? This is the copy of the scroll that Cersei forced Sansa to write back in Season 1, when they told her that her father was a traitor, and that she needed to write to Robb and tell him to swear fealty to Joffrey since Robert had died. If you remember, Cersei painted it so it looked like Ned tried to take the throne from Joffrey, when really, he was trying to figure out why his friend died so mysteriously.

Sansa did what she was told by Cersei, because at that time she was naive and still thought there was a chance she could be queen - and Ned hadn’t been executed yet so things didn’t seem as dire to her as they really were. 

Littlefinger knows that if Arya believes Sansa betrayed their family (and lied about what Ned was doing) it will split them apart, and she will become volatile and dangerous to Sansa - meaning Sansa will have to do something about it.

Honestly, I think this is just a piece of dumb drama, but they have been building up to this for a while. In the S7 trailer, Sansa says “the lone wolf dies, and the pack survives”. I still think Littlefinger is the lone wolf and he’s grasping at straws.

And, we end with the A-team going to find a wight to prove to Cersei that they exist. TBH, when I read this in the reddit spoilers, I was like “what a dumb idea!” but here we are. So, good luck, boys.

Until next week.

P.S. - if you have any specific questions that you want me to answer for next week, feel free to put it in my ask - I got quite a few this week that I clarified in here (hopefully).

Thanks for reading! 

[lifecoach45bama-blog]

The Money Mind

This post is based on what our culture has taught many of us about money and its’ use. It also reviews how the ego contributes to personal debt. Whether the debt is maintainable or not, the ego causes us to dig deeper financial holes than we should. In addition, this blog will briefly describe the purpose of money and its use. However, this information will come from two different mindsets. We will get into that shortly.

I’d like to begin with a few rhetorical questions:

Do you really need that huge house you will never finish the mortgage on?

Do you really need that fancy, fast car?

Do you really need those expensive clothes and shoes?

What about the purse that cost you about 5 months’ worth of gas?

Many people will say, “I bought it because I wanted it! I will spend my money any way I choose!”

That’s not an issue at all!  No judgment here! However, there is always a point in a person’s life when they say at least one of the following, “I’m not getting paid enough!”, “I’m tired of working!”, “I can’t take care of myself because I’m always at work” “I can’t quit because I need my job!” and the famous, “I can’t stand my boss!”

Ok, what’s my point?! My point is, the “almighty dollar” seems to be worshipped, praised and loved. It’s also viewed as a necessity for those living from paycheck to paycheck. What about those who find nothing wrong with piling on more “controllable” debt for themselves whenever they get a raise or a promotion? Let’s not forget the spenders who insist on following the trend. If people knew money’s true strength and power, hardly anyone would throw it away on meaningless superficial materials that don’t pay you back. That’s just my opinion.

Many people cannot hang onto, or manage money productively, because of the ego. They are heavily concerned with impressing other people or to strengthen their self-esteem. Every high dollar item has an emotional tie to it.

Here’s an example:

A fancy and fast car is often tied to, “Hey, look at me!”, “Looks good doesn’t it?!”, “I’m going to get so much attention!”  Not true? Ok then, explain why you didn’t simply buy the used Kia, which will still get you from point A to point B, and is significantly cheaper? 

The sense of pride, accomplishment, and conceitedness are due to the ego (sense of self-esteem or self-importance).  

Culture has a lot to do with the mindset of what money is and its use. As a child, the only thing I was taught about money was, “save it, spend it wisely, and put it in a bank.” Although those weren’t bad tips, it wasn’t nearly enough to prepare me on how to live a stress-free life.

Many can’t get beyond the thought of working at a 9-5 job for various reasons.  I was taught that working grueling hours that are full of dealing with someone else’s crap and frustrations was the “way of life!” Next, become a responsible adult so that you can have nice things. I call this becoming financially stuck because of so much senseless debt. For example:

Mortgage

Car payments

Other financed items

School loans

Personal loans

Credit cards

I can recall an old acquaintance making the following statements to me, “What are you saving money for? It’s not like you can take it with you once you die! You earn it so that you can spend it!”   This was her cultural mindset about money.

This seems to be the world we live in. Many people continuously spend money on the things that are pretty. However, these pretty things will never pay you a penny back in return.

Ever notice when some people receive a pay raise or a job promotion? Instead of living the same lifestyle and set productive goals, they decide to upgrade (buying bigger and more expensive things). Spending makes many people feel good about themselves, life, current situation, etc. Ever notice, how the euphoria over that brand new, beautiful, shiny, and elegant object will eventually become old news? It’s mostly forgotten about and left to collect dust…while earning you nothing in return.

When it comes to searching for a place to live, many people would rather rent because they feel that a mortgage would be more expensive than rent. Let me note, as a real estate investor, this is FAR from the truth. I used to think the same exact thing. But, by expanding my knowledge in the field, I quickly understood why renting was a total waste of money. For example, there are tons of decent homes on the market that can be purchased, while paying a mortgage that is significantly less than rent!

Many cultures have taught us to get a good education, get a really nice career with benefits, buy a nice home, build a family, reward yourself by purchasing nice things, continue to work hard until the age of 65 and collect a pension, 401k, and or collect social security. That’s how the old sayings go, right? There’s nothing wrong with this if it’s what a person chooses to do. However, what about those common statements mentioned earlier “I’m not getting paid enough!”, “I’m tired of working!”, “I can’t take care of myself because I’m always at work”, “I can’t quit because I need my job!” and the famous, “I can’t stand my boss!?

 I am willing to take a leap of faith by saying, most people would quit their jobs in an instant if they could still get paid!

We blow huge amounts of money on taking care of people who fail to make an attempt at taking care of themselves. We blow hundreds of dollars in bars and clubs impressing people. Many feel that money is a material with a value that is used to live and be entertained. Again, there is nothing wrong with this concept. However, if you are one of the people who’s making the following statements “I’m not getting paid enough!”, “I’m tired of working!”, “I can’t take care of myself because I’m always at work!”, “I can’t quit because I need my job!” and the famous, “I can’t stand my boss!” then you may want to consider doing something different.

I’ve learned from experience that this mindset has gotten me nowhere. Overall, I’ve made some good decisions that have led to some great opportunities. Although I have nothing to complain about career-wise, I often made those common statements too, “I’m not getting paid enough!”, “I’m tired of working!”  …………I think you get the point. Needless to say, I’m happy that I finally decided to take a leap and make a change.

Currently, as an investor, I own several rental properties. In addition, I am the owner of “Widen Your Perspective” Life Coaching.  I mention these accomplishments not to boast, but to make it clear that I now understand TWO different perspectives on money and its purpose.

I feel it’s safe to assume that everyone will agree that money is meant to be spent. But, what separates perspective #1 and #2? HOW and WHERE the money is spent. Let’s label the consumers that are comfortable with liability, debt, and working hard to sustain and fulfill those financial obligations as Perspective #1. On the other hand, Perspective #2 will refer to the thinkers, inventors, creators, and innovators of opportunity.  

Establishing your own business can start off extremely slow but grow to be successful. For example, someone could purchase a website to blog, or sell things, like materials to make jewelry, yard equipment to service people’s yards, tools to become a contractor, pencils or paint to become a freelance artist. If you have a ton of life experience, you could earn certifications and become a coach, a counselor, an adviser, etc.

 From my current perspective, money is a tool; a  process of money making more money!

Think of all the money you’ve spent on expensive objects, high interest, rent, clothes, or possibly on people who haven't given you anything back in return. With that amount of money, you could have initiated at least 3-5 small businesses, maybe more depending on your interests. Food for thought; had they all failed, you could still be financially afloat because not all small businesses are expensive to start and operate! Those failures would have taught you valuable lessons that would have provided a better chance of succeeding in the next endeavor.

I call perspective # 2 “The Money Mind.” It is a thought process that will enable a person to think of money, opportunities, health, and life in a unique way. Again, having lived both perspectives allows me to understand why many people feel as though they can’t get ahead in life. Often having to deal with an unwanted situation because they are “financially stuck”.

What are you passionate about?

Are you good with your hands?

Are you a thinker, a creator?

Do you enjoy solving other people’s issues?

Identify anything that you are naturally good at. Then get online and search for “Jobs that require using your__________” (Fill in the blank with one or all of the questions above). You will see that you are more than qualified to start your own business, earn your own money and live your life the way it’s supposed to be…stress free! Next, research what you need, then calculate how much it will cost to get it started.

Your knowledge and expertise will ALWAYS serve a need and there will be someone who’s willing to pay for it. It's never too late to start viewing money from a “The Money Mind” perspective.

[stilljumpingback]

Black Sails Episode 108 - VIII Recap

REWATCH REACTION

This episode is FANTASTIC, and my notes while rewatching it become increasingly caps lock-y, culminating in a brief mental breakdown because of my love for Flint.

BEST FLINT MOMENT

Literally every scene with Flint in this episode is Top Notch, but I’ll highlight one in particular:

After aligning the ship to fire on the Spanish Man O’ War, Dufresne accuses Flint of “tyrannical crimes” against his crew.  When no one will obey Flint’s orders to fire, he strides down the stairs to light a cannon himself.  Dufresne SHOOTS HIM, at which point he CRAWLS along the deck to light the cannon.  Even though the fuse is taken from him, it does not stop this from being the sexiest display of determination I have ever seen.

TODAY’S RUNNER UP

Silver!  I suppose it is fitting that in Gates’ last episode (RIP), we see Silver stepping up to be Flint’s right hand man.  Their partnership is the show’s central relationship, and I think this is really the first time we see how powerful they are when acting together.

It’s just one thing after another:  When Silver walks in on Flint after he’s just murdered Gates, he immediately sides with Flint, no questions asked about what has just happened.  Then Flint hides and tells Silver what to say to the Spanish ship.  Silver later tries to talk Dufresne into being calm, and when that is unsuccessful (leading to Flint’s being shot and unable to light a cannon), it is SILVER who shoots at the Man O’ War and makes the fight inevitable.  Finally, when Flint allows himself to sink, it is Silver who pulls him out and makes sure his wound is bandaged (this is explicitly addressed in episode 1 of season 2, but it’s implied here).

In the previous episode, we saw how desperately Flint needed an ally that shared his vision.  Although Silver shares this vision only so far as it pertains to him acquiring some gold, they are undeniably a good match.  Both smart men who can create new plans in an instant, they are formidable when working together.

LOL MOMENT

Jack’s finally got the brothel in order thanks to Max, and Mrs. Mapleton is unhappy to see her profits decreasing.  When she threatens to expose his past misdeeds, Jack pauses before saying, “Well, Mrs. Mapleton, that sounds like gross insubordination to me.  That, coupled with the graft you’ve been responsible for, leaves me with no choice but to terminate your employment here.”  And later, when he and Max are basking in their victory, he says, “Please don’t judge me, but I really enjoyed that.”

WELL-FORMED THOUGHTS

We’ve got to talk about Flint murdering Gates, yeah?  WOW, is that not any easier to watch, even knowing it’s coming.  This is mostly because the previous scene between Flint and Gates, in which they share a drink and laugh about old Craig who drank a bottle of piss, is so much weightier when you know what’s about to happen.  I love the ambiguity of the scene:  does Flint think things are okay between him and Gates?  Is he hoping a boy’s night drinking will MAKE things better?  Or do they both just truly realize that they might die next day, so they may as well set politics aside and have a good time?

But it’s not enough.  When Gates sees that the Urca isn’t where they thought it would be, he’s done.  Flint is mad, thinking that Gates means to see him hung as a pirate.  But he is FURIOUS when he realizes that Gates wants something worse for him:  to be sent with Miranda to Boston.  This is DEVASTATING to me, because in his attempt to do something “better” for Flint, it shows just how little Gates understood him.

As Daphne and Liz always say in their podcast Fathoms Deep, this is the scene in  which people really get sold on Black Sails, because how can a show present us with a scene of a man murdering someone he called friend…and we’re left pitying the murderer??  God, Toby Stephens is amazing, and the writing is just gut-wrenching.  “Please, please don’t do this.”  “This is not what I wanted, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”  And after it’s done, he is so protective of Gates against Silver, and even strokes his cheek!

All this, and we’re left wondering, “What could POSSIBLY be fueling this man to do such heinous things that even HE obviously finds heinous?”  He he he, we’ll have to get there in season two!

FRAGMENTED THOUGHTS

Just in time for the season finale, we’ve got a ton of boobies again.  Alright, whatever.  I guess this is meant to show us that Jack is running the business well again?

I want more scenes of Silver as Caretaker for a curmudgeonly Randall.

After Silver successfully tells Flint the final piece of the schedule, he says: Silver:  Now that I’ve fulfilled my end of our bargain, I’m just wondering where you and I stand. Flint:  Keep wondering. Silver leaves, and then FLINT GRINS.  I am so in love with this Flint who enjoys messing with his crew (see also: “Billy, who?” which I think I have successfully proven had to have been a joke).

Eleanor is still surrounded by men, but instead of them fighting against her, they’re all on her side.  It’s very cool to see her varying reactions to their praise:  With Hornigold, she couldn’t care less.  With Vane, she is mildly impressed by his observations (but not fully – I think his assertion that she doesn’t want fathers telling her what to do should be enlarged to include MEN telling her what to do, which includes you, Vane!).  But with Mr. Scott?  She’s genuinely touched.  And that’s because Mr. Scott knows her and validates her.  That scene between them is entirely lovely.

“There are no legacies in this life, are there?  No monuments.  No history.  Just the water.  It pays us, and it claims us.  Swallows us whole, as if we’d never been here at all.” This is a gorgeous observation by Gates, though it unfortunately only highlights how different his perspective is from Flint’s.  While Gates lives in the here and now and expects nothing different, Flint is determined to live bigger and bring about change for himself and everyone else.

Runner up for the LOL segment:  Jack and Anne saying, “Fuck you, Jack” in tandem.  Poor Anne has caught FEELINGS for Max and doesn’t even know what they are yet.

Flint’s inspirational speech is so great, and when they see the empty bay, the disappointment is heart-wrenching.

During this rewatch, I’ve been able to be more objective about my feelings for Flint (this might not be obvious, but trust me).  Honestly, I can see why people are terrified of him.  Beloved, powerful people keep dying around him.  I mean, Dufresne and DeGroot were scared Gates would betray them, but then Flint CLEARLY murders him and carries on as though nothing has happened, and they’re left believing that no one is sacred to that man.  They don’t know Flint’s history or plans.  I get why they want him gone.

HOWEVER, Dufresne really has the most appalling timing.

I think his decision to read Gates’ letter is half sincerity, half annoyance that Flint took his information (don’t say tobacco from St. Augustine) and twists it to his own purposes.

Vane is a selfish bastard.  The loyalty he extols (poor Jack and Anne!) is very small – it doesn’t extend to anyone beyond his crew even while the rest of Nassau is learning to band together.

I do love the ambiguity of why he took the fort.  Is it to prove his power?  Is it to piss off his enemies?  Or is it to give Eleanor the defense she needs to run Nassau effectively?  Because this is Black Sails and our characters are wonderfully complex, I think it’s all three.

RANDALL SAVED SILVER AND IT WAS SO GOOD.

Dufresne is an idiot!! It is physically painful to watch him make decisions too slowly.

OH SHIT, that is the only reaction to watching the Man O’ War turn and open her gunports, and OH SHIT OH SHIT that is carnage like we have never yet seen.

Oh my GOD, the sadness of Flint watching his ship and his crew be destroyed, slowing fixing his hair, letting himself be blasted overboard and then sinking, sinking, sinking.

Max and Eleanor finally have a real conversation, and it is so sad.

Max:  You have nothing to be sorry about.  I was standing between you and your dreams for this place.  You did what you had to do. Eleanor:  I thought you said this place was just sand. Max:  Sand has its virtues.  On sand, nothing is fixed.  Nothing is permanent.  Fates change so quickly.

And then we get Flint, alive and shirtless, wondering why this is so.  It’s because the Urca crashed in a storm the night before, and everyone is at least smart enough to realize that FLINT IS THE BEST and they need him if they’re going to get their gold.

He is looking SO GOOD standing there in his tight black pants, billowing shirt, and loose hair.  Toby Stephens has ruined me.

That’s the end of the first season!  Shaky at first, steadily better, and ending with SUCH a great twisty finale!  Can’t wait to keep going – season 2 is my favorite!

(via Episode 108 - VIII)