#just made me feel like i was back in 2016 again. felt kinda childish

[hellhoundlair]

saw a callout post today where at the top of the list of their many crimes was "liked an nsfw photo of a minor on twitter" which made them sound like a closeted sex offender and not like someone who liked one suggestive DRAWING of a teenage cartoon character. Come on man.

[buckyswinterbaby]

Always By My Side — Chapter 1

Click here to read the Prologue.

Synopsis: The fates have spent millenniums correcting the daily mishaps that interfere with soulmates ever meeting. Will they find a way to bring together Bucky and Zara, two people separated by time and circumstance, just as they’ve done a thousand times before?

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x Black!OFC Ziarah Heartwell

Warnings (will change with each chapter): flashbacks, PTSD, mentions of past sexual assault, angst, bits of fluff

Word Count: 3,791

Acknowledgement: I’ve created this AU alongside my best friend Taylor in roleplays, along with many of the plots and scenes that will be featured. I’m posting this with his expressed permission as we both continue to work on the story in our chat. Credit for its creation goes to both of us.

Please like, comment, and reblog (I love that shit). The divider was created by me, please credit me if you use it. The gifs are not mine. Click here to fill out the form to be added to my tag list!

Note: Here’s chapter one of my new series “Always By My Side”. It takes place in a soulmate AU where a bond is triggered when one or both halves experience a life threatening level of distress. The bond allows them to see imaginary versions of their soulmates to help support them while they wait to meet their other half. Just a warning, up until we reach the current time in the story, there will be significant time skips for plot progression’s sake. The time changes will always be labeled.

Addition: I said I’d tag you when I posted my WOC OFC story so here’s chapter one, @bucky-the-thigh-slayer !

[Bucharest, Romania -- 2016]

The Romanian streets were bustling with early morning energy as Bucky took the final steps outside of the clearly worn apartment complex that he had been calling home for sometime. He seemed unfazed by the sixteen year old girl practically jogging to keep up in step with his longer strides. He had grown rather accustomed to her presence and her commentary since she first appeared to him in 2014. It had been during his final brainwashing session with Hydra before they fell. He couldn’t help but view her as a banshee of sorts, harkening the end of what remained of his mental stability. He couldn’t fathom another reason as to why he would hallucinate an opinionated teenage girl.

Even so, he found comfort in their conversations and how at ease she seemed around him. Almost as if she had always been with him, a piece of himself that still saw the good that was left. Never addressing him with fear or apprehension, never as the monster and killer he was forced to become.

Her features were young and innocent, seemingly unscarred by life despite the bruises that graced her skin--which he was never sure why they existed. At first, he feared that she had been one of his countless victims who had returned to haunt him in her afterlife, though the theory became less likely to him as more time passed.

The defined coils of her hair were pushed up into a messy bun, edges laid smoothly to her forehead in defined loops. When she first started showing up, Bucky had attempted to make sense of the witty phrases and references that so frequently adorned her clothes but he had long since given up on ever understanding them. He had to admit that the shirt she wore that day, a middle finger painted with pink, yellow, and blue, was quite the fashion choice. Not that he could particularly judge with his similar pieces of clothing that were practically identical besides in color.

The pair made their way down the familiar stretch of pavement on their way to the outdoor market that Bucky had made a habit of visiting. He had found that a reliable schedule throughout his week helped him better grasp the passing of time, a fact that his companion had been informing him of for weeks before it finally seemed to click.

The girl’s nose clinked as they neared the fresh fish stand, just as it did every week. Bucky couldn’t help but chuckle at her childish antics as they were so few and far between for someone who seemed quite mature despite her appearance.

“It smells like cat food,” she whined, making a clear act of breathing primarily through her mouth as she jogged to keep up. “How are you not gagging?”

“Not all of us have the luxury of being a figment of someone’s imagination, Zara. If I start gagging, I have a feeling a few people will start to notice.” The man gave her a knowing look. Drawing attention to himself was the exact opposite of what he wanted during his brief outings. “Besides, I can’t say I’ve smelt cat food or have any intention to. So I’ll just have to take your word for it.”

Zara rolled her eyes as the smell began to dissipate the further they moved past the stand, her trademark smile working its way onto her features. “Could’ve had me fooled, I thought that was your guilty pleasure. I can’t say I’ve ever intentionally gotten a whiff, but when I feed the outdoor cats at my house, it’s kinda unavoidable.” She shrugged her shoulders nonchalantly as if it was the most natural thing in the world for an imaginary person to have their own home and animals.

Bucky’s eyebrows furrowed as he narrowed his eyes down to her smaller form beside him. “You don’t have a cat because you aren’t even real,” he retorted. Somehow the idea that she could be real made her presence in his life even harder. The idea that she was just some girl he had passed by in the street or on a mission and his brain decided she’d make the ideal emotional support apparition.

“Who are you to declare that?”

“The creepy hundred year old man who hallucinates a sixteen year old girl, occasionally in her pajamas, for one.” His voice raised a bit louder than he intended, drawing the attention of a few nearby pedestrians. Bucky offered them an awkward smile before ducking back down under the bill of his hat and picking up his pace a bit. She couldn’t argue with his logic so she focused on keeping up until they reached their destination, the produce stand that had the best plums in the city, or so Bucky described.

Zara watched as he spoke Romanian with the merchant, only catching a few words she had learnt over the past few months from their conversations. She couldn’t help but smile at how effortlessly Bucky seemed to interact with the man and how it contrasted so starkly to how he acted when he first arrived in the city. Decades of next to no positive human interaction left the soldier awkward and clunky in his exchanges, often stumbling through questions and requests, or simply forgetting them altogether. It had taken a great deal of patience and metaphorical hand holding to build up his confidence and ease his anxiety on the matter.

It wasn’t that he didn’t know how to blend in, in fact he was almost too good at it at times. Over their conversations, she had managed to show him that yes, blending in made him go through the motions of life, which was better than nothing. Yet, the beauty of his life now and the freedom that came with it was that he no longer had to settle for simply surviving and he could instead use it as a chance to learn to live again. It started small, like convincing him to get a pillow and blanket for the mattress on the floor, to which they compromised with a sleeping bag. Soon came two pillows for the couch and a lone floor lamp that he shoved in the corner near his bed for the late nights when night terrors had him scribbling away in his journals. They were minor improvements, in truth, but the progress spoke volumes as Bucky worked on building a place that felt a bit more permanent than his last few hideouts.

Zara had been so lost in her thoughts that she hadn’t even registered that Bucky completed his purchase and had moved to stand at the edge of the sidewalk. She approached him curiously, watching the way he hesitantly analyzed the seemingly anxious newspaper peddler from across the street. It was very clear something was wrong from the way his demeanor had changed.

“Buchanan?” Her voice raised a bit at the end of his name, concern now replacing her curiosity as he began to make his way to the stand. He either didn’t hear her--which she found unlikely--or he simply opted to ignore her as he picked up the paper, ocean blue eyes scanning over the headline. The color seemed to drain from both of their faces as they took the accusation in, not having to speak to know what it meant.

Bucky would have to pick up his life, yet again, and run. Find a new country, new home, and start the process all over again. The ex-assassin hardly seemed surprised at the realization, as there is no rest for the wicked.

[Boston, Massachusetts -- 2016]

Zara made her way down the hallway to her bedroom, an imaginary version of Bucky trailing along behind her. She let her book bag drop to the floor once she entered the room, stepping out of her shoes before flopping down onto the soft, sunflower themed duvet of her bed. A look of weightlessness overtook her features as she let the events of the day settle in. Today she would graduate with a PhD in Biomedical Engineering from MIT, top of her class. It was the culmination of years of pouring herself over every textbook her parent’s provided, testing out and early graduations. At only sixteen, Zara would join the ranks of some of the youngest individuals to ever receive a doctoral degree. It truly seemed unreal to her.

Emerald eyes drifted to where Bucky sat at her desk, his arms crossed loosely in front of his chest.

“I wish you could be there tomorrow,” Zara commented, propping herself up on her elbows as her fingers pulled at the frayed threads on the yellow quilt folded at the end of her bed.

A smile teased the corner of Bucky’s lips as he leaned back against her swivel chair, long hair swaying as he tilted his head to the left to look at her. “I will be there, maybe not in person, but I’ll be there cheering right along with everyone else,’ he assured.

“It’s not the same and you know it, Buchanan.”

“I know. Just try to focus on the positives. Tomorrow is your day, you’ve more than earned it.”

Zara nodded, though her disappointment was still evident. On the average day, Bucky’s seemingly invisible presence to everyone else but her came in handy. As she was willing to bet her parents wouldn’t be too keen on the amount of time she spent alone with the grown man, let alone if they knew who he was. The public’s perception of James Buchanan Barnes, who she had quickly identified him as, was low to say the very least. Though it was days like this that she found herself wishing the most that he could truly exist in her life outside of her mind.

She could never quite pinpoint why she began hallucinating him two years prior. Though, the time before and after her fourteenth birthday had flown by in a post traumatic daze so it was even more difficult to analyze. The aftermath of four older boys assaulting her in her own bedroom left her wishing to repress that portion of her life altogether. Zara squeezed her eyes shut as she felt the ghost of their hands on her body. Grabbing, groping, pulling and tearing at clothes. She had hardly seen them since their attack but her mind was still trapped in the room with them.The feeling took her back to meeting Bucky that night, or more so the Winter Soldier, as he appeared at that time.

Upon entering her room, Zara failed to notice the masked man sitting silently in the corner of the room, illuminated only by the small lamp on her bedside stand. When she caught a glimpse of the figure, her body jumped to it’s fight response, just as it had an hour or so before. The young girl grabbed the closest thing she could find, a textbook on advanced chemistry, and held onto it tightly before turning to face the intruder.

“You need to leave,” she ordered, her voice wavering at the end of the demand. Her green eyes only met a pair of dark glasses securely strapped to his face. She couldn’t make out any facial features to identify him by, as all but his forehead and hair was covered.

It wasn’t just his silence that sent an unnerved shiver down her spine. It was his demeanor, cold and nearly unresponsive to her presence and defensive stance. Had his head not briefly turned her way when she started to speak, she’d question if he even heard her at all.

A large gun, likely a rifle from what she could tell, was resting across his lap. His hands weren’t actively gripping it, but something told her he could take aim in the time it took her to breathe her next breath. A variety of handguns and knives were also visible from the holsters adorning his thighs. If he had this many weapons visible, Zara could only imagine how many he had stashed under his tactical vest and heavy boots.

Her green eyes followed where she believed his gaze had drifted. He seemed laser focused on the strip of light just barely visible from under her door as a roar of laughter could be heard from just outside. His hand moved to rest just over the barrel of his gun. The young girl analyzed him for another moment before lowering the textbook, while still keeping it tightly in her hands.

“Will you at least tell me why you’re here?” There was a hint of desperation in her voice, one that vocalized all of the fear she had been trying to hide. She was met with more silence, which quickly became deafening to her. She was afraid to make a move to get his attention again, naturally unsure of how he would react. Yet, at the same time she couldn’t relax, not with him in her space.

After another few moments of no response, she allowed herself to consider the possibility that he wasn’t actually there. She had just been through something horribly traumatic and it was entirely possible that this was her brain's way of coping with the stress and fear. That it had conjured some masked figure to sit at her bedroom door and keep all the bad away.

She knew how best to test her theory, but she recognized the risk that came with it as she picked up a neon pink highlighter that she had been using earlier that night. She gripped it for a moment while weighing her options, throwing it across the room only seconds later. She didn’t put too much force behind it, hoping that if it gently came into contact, he’d be less likely to be angry. The consideration meant very little as the marker passed straight through the man and knocked against the wall before falling to the floor. She watched as it rolled across the floor and disappeared underneath her nearby dresser, a bittersweet feeling washing over her. On one hand, he wasn’t real and couldn’t hurt her. On the other, she was truly alone and definitely going crazy.

“This is fine,” Zara tried to reassure herself with very little luck.

She was pulled back from her thoughts as Bucky called her name for the third time, snapping her back to reality. Their eyes connected for a moment as she attempted to ground herself again, focusing on the small changes between how he was now versus then.

He had since lost the mask and goggles, she remembered him removing them a month or so after he first appeared. His current casual attire contrasted starkly with the hard kevlar of the tactical vest she first met him in. His features were more at ease now, no longer reflecting the fear that she could only compare to an animal in captivity. While she wasn’t fond of the comparison, following what she had learned of the real James Barnes, it wasn’t entirely far off.

As if the world was reading her mind, she faintly heard the voice of the local news anchor from the living room directly below her bedroom. Her features scrunched as she focused in on hearing the report, only catching snippets here and there. The words explosion and Sokovia Accords were most of what she could make out along with what she could’ve sworn was the suspect’s name, James Buchanan Barnes.

Before Zara could even question it further, she found herself racing down the main staircase of their suburban home, sock clad feet skidding to a halt on the polished dark oak flooring. Her eyes widened as she took in the security camera footage that was believed to place Bucky near the scene of the crime. Despite having no real proof, something deep within her gut screamed that it wasn’t true. She knew him, maybe not the real version, but he’d never do that.

Imaginary Bucky followed her into the living room a minute later, his pace slow and relaxed in comparison as he shoved his hands into his pockets. Being held responsible for the most recent atrocity was honestly just beginning to feel like the average Tuesday to him. More than anything, it was Zara’s reaction that took him the most by surprise. Her unwavering faith and loyalty was unexpected and as he believed, undeserved.

He had committed unspeakable acts over the years and this was likely far from the worst he was accused of. Sure, they had grown close in the two years since he first appeared and he imagined that made it easier for her to block out the rest of the stories, since she knew at least some version of the person in question.

Zara was good, in every sense of the word. Of course she had flaws, but who didn’t, especially at sixteen. But he saw the way that she looked at the world with love and curiosity despite the violence and violations she had experienced. It was a strength of character that he truly wished he could grow to embody. Bucky couldn’t help but find it funny that he was left looking up to a teenager who hadn’t even passed her driver’s test yet; but she honestly had more morals and heart than most of the adults he had met in his life. All of those facts being true is what made her belief in his innocence all the more confusing.

His eyes fell to her father, Gabriel, as he sat on the couch to take in the evening news. The man’s head shook in what seemed to be disappointment, or maybe it was anger, Bucky honestly couldn’t be sure anymore. They had never spoken, as Bucky’s intangible form made communication with anyone other than Zara impossible, but he knew Gabriel was a black and white kind of person. He couldn’t help but accept that to anyone who didn’t know him, the evidence would be damning.

“They need to just put him down while they have the chance,” Gabriel scoffed, speaking to no one in particular while switching the flatscreen off before they could finish the broadcast.

“He’s not a wild animal to be euthanized.” Zara’s expression twisted in disgust at her father’s casual nature. “He’s a human being. If he's guilty, and that’s a really big if with how blurry that security footage is, he deserves a trial just like anyone else!”

Gabe turned to look over the back of the couch, clearly displeased that she would defend the man. “I’m in no mood to debate with you, Ziarah.” He rose from his seat and dropped the remote onto the foot stool before leaving towards his study.

Zara watched him leave, her eye practically twitching with each step he took. She wanted to tell him he was wrong, to make him see that there were likely more sides to the story than they were seeing but she knew that it was useless. Her father rarely took her opinions or beliefs to heart on things that actually mattered to him, a topic like this would truly be a lost cause.

She looked up at Bucky as he shook his head lightly, letting her tension fade away as she accepted that it was pointless. “It’s okay, Zar,” Bucky assured, his small smile wiping away any lingering doubts she had. “There are more important battles to pick with him. This isn’t a hill worth dying on.”

Zara would’ve liked to argue that defending her friend was more than a worthy cause but she nodded nonetheless.

“How about we go find your mom. I bet she’s already working on the cake for your graduation and knowing you, you can convince her to let you lick the spoon.” His tone was playful as he coaxed her into motion, the promise of sweets and a friendly face luring her into the kitchen behind him.

Hanna was busy mixing away the different batters she would need for the next tier, the sweet aroma of baked goods filling the air. She hummed lightly as she worked, creating her own personal mix of her favorite 80’s songs together in a unique medley. Her green eyes moved to the doorway as she heard Zara walk in, a bright smile overtook her features as she set down her mixing bowl.

“There’s my little scholar,” she praised, moving around the kitchen island to take her daughter into her arms. Her warm embrace was a welcomed escape as Zara melted.

“Momma,” Zara grumbled as her mother placed a series of kisses on her forehead. “I thought you stopped doing that since I was a baby.” While Zara whined, deep down she always loved her mother’s open displays of affection. Not that she was willing to admit it.

“That’s the beauty of you always being my baby. You’re never too old for me to embarrass you. Just be grateful that I’ve opted to do it now instead of at your party.” The woman grinned away as she moved back to her work.

Zara honestly couldn’t argue with the logic as she found a seat on one of the tall bar stools. She quickly lost herself in the pleasant conversion with her mother, happily opting to clean the excess batter and frosting off of the bowls and mixing spoons like the helpful child she was. Imaginary Bucky sat quietly at the kitchen table, watching the women as they fell into the usual banter and discussion. After they finished her conversation she quickly grabbed a snack and made her way towards the door.

“I believe you’re forgetting something,” Hanna reminded, sending Zara a knowing look.

She huffed lightly before turning on her heels to grab her blood testing and insulin kit, waving it at her mother knowingly. She quickly turned back around and left the kitchen, making her way back upstairs.

Bucky didn’t hesitate to follow after her, stopping only when he saw Zara staring in her old room, which now housed her older brother Daniel. He could practically see the wheels turning in her mind as she ran over the events that more often than not had her scurrying past said room without acknowledging it. It was easier to just pretend it didn’t exist.

A few more moments passed before Zara pulled herself back from the darker parts of her mind, focusing in on everything else in her life that was good and worth celebrating. She had known pain and a time in her life where she often considered if it would’ve been easier to just fade away, but she had made it through to the other side. She had a lot going for her now and that was enough to push her feet forward again.

Chapter 2

[nerdybibeans]

WHAT COULD HAVE FIXED THE RATCHET AND CLANK MOVIE

Now before I start I think its fair to say that well, I really do like the Ratchet and clank movie, it can be super funny and even has a few goods Quote, but on the other hand it does have a few BIG PROBLEMS, and I think even with the seven adjustments it still needs a lot more time, but here we go!!!

Number one stay closer to the Original humor- Though it do enjoy some of the jokes of the 2016 movie it can at times be a little bit childish, and some Jokes can Drag on a little to long, while others don’t get enough time, I know they had to tone it down a little bit to keep the movies PG rating but I feel it was a big hindrance in people’s enjoyment of the film as Ratchet and Clank is know for it dry and Ronchi humor and even in a smaller dose I think people would have liked it better

Number two it should have been PG-13- like I said Ratchet and clank is definitely more for older kids and adults, and I think it could have used a PG-13 rating to it’s advantage from working in more dirty jokes and getting to use more violence and who know what else, and its not like little kids would be traumatize or anything as most ever single Marvel DC and Star Wars movies are all PG-13, and family still go to those movies

NUMBER THREE MAKE DREK THE MAIN BADDIE- one of the biggest problems is chairman Drek getting pushed into well not even a side villain role, more like a background character at times, I personally love Drek and think he could have been a super fun villain of well Nefarious didn’t steal it from him, it hard to keep your attention on what Dreks plan is because well ITS DR NEFARIOUS he always has a funny line or just having so much fun being Evil it hard not to want him to win!

NUMBER FOUR MAKE RATCHET AND CLANK HAVE TO WORK FOR THEIR FRIENDSHIP- one of my favorite aspects of the original game is seeing Ratchet and clank build up their friendship, seeing the two strangers slowly because the best friends we know and love is just so heartwarming, and even though I like their Relationship in the movie, it comes in way to quickly, and don’t feel really, it takes time for people to become friends!! And they really missed a shot to pull on everyone hearts

NUMBER FIVE KEEP THE GAME FROM NEXT YEAR- now everyone knows that both progress were Rushed, and I feel the game suffered more severely in this aspect, as it feels kinda Unfinished at times and doesn’t line up with the movie at all, yes Qwark gives us a reason why but still

NUMBER SIX USE NEFARIOUS AS A RANGER/FUTURE BADDIE- I adore the idea of Neffy being a disgruntled Ranger,and I feel like it was a HUGE waste of potential to not explore that, have him be a member of the time and show him slowly losing his goodness, hell even for the ending could have been him Plotting to atomized the city!! To tie in for a second movie and game!!!

And THE BIGGEST PROBLEM

NUMBER SEVEN NOT GIVING THE CHARACTERS ANY TIME TO LEAVE A MARK- outside of the character we knew all the new characters felt very rushed and empty, which makes me sad as I can see they could be super kickass if given the time of day especially Elaris and Braxs they need more time on screen so people would have wanted to see them win!!

And a honorable mention

BRING BACK MORE OLDER CHARACTERS- I want to see Helga again so badly...that’s all

Thanks for reading please share your thoughts on the movie and list!!!! Tell me what you think could have made the movie and game better

[ellana-ravenwood]

“It’s them, but it’s not them !” 2/2 -Bruce Wayne x Reader

@m-fairbank also asked the same thing, things happening on Batmom’s point of you, and also some of the batboys...and I kinda planned something like that anyway. So here’s a sequel for “It’s her but it’s not her”, and I hope you’ll like it (and hope the “mixed feelings” were still good ones ;-)) AGAIN felt like I could write something better, might re-write everything...I rushed a bit writing it cause I’m in L.A but I also wanted to write something and...I guess it’s this kind of time eh. 

Summary : Batman and his kids accidentally got send in an alternate dimension, and Batmom has the displeasure of realizing that her Bruce from this other world is...not hers at all. 

FINISHED SERIES : PART 1

my master list blog :@ella-ravenwood-archives

_____________________________________________________________________

When your husband and kids came home with Diana and Clark, you didn’t think too much of it. It wasn’t unusual for your friends to come over to the bat cave and work, or even just chill. 

But when you went to kiss Bruce, and you felt him stiffen under your touch. When he didn’t kiss back, and even moved away, his head moving back and forth between you and Clark, stunned. When your sons stared at you with wide eyes and open mouthes...you realized something was wrong. 

-Wh...what is it ? 

Bruce didn’t say anything, he found he couldn’t say anything. The Hell just happened ? Clark’s wife just kissed him ! And...What was she doing in the bat cave anyway, at this hour ? 

Under your husband’s gaze, you felt uncomfortable for the first time in your life. Usually, he had the opposite effect on you, you were always so relaxed around him. Even during charity balls or such obligations you had as Waynes, when your introverted self felt awful, his mere presence calmed you down and helped you get threw the night. 

But right now, the way he was looking at you made you shiver. You didn’t recognize his usual look...In his eyes right now, there were no love, no relief to see you well and alive, no joy, no slight impatience to finally get to bed with you. Instead, there was confusion, embarrassment, and a slight touch of curiosity maybe ? 

And your children...None of them rushed to hug you first, or to tell you who’s ass they kicked this time. 

Something was wrong. Terribly wrong. 

Clark approached you, and laid a soothing hand on  your shoulder. 

-They...Hum...They’re not who you think they are. 

Diana rolled her eyes, leave it to Superman to not be able to actually explain something properly. She came close to you too, and said : 

-There was an...accident with the League. A portal open and your family went threw, they came back, and they’re not...

-I understood what Clark meant. 

Even though the situation was serious, Superman couldn’t help but give a look at Wonder Woman that meant : “See, she got it”. Diana stuck her tongue out to him. Those two could sometimes be so childish. And cute. But right now, you weren’t feeling like you could appreciate how cute they could be together. 

You looked at Bruce, and you were sure everything was true. This wasn’t your Bruce. And they weren’t your children...You felt sick. And you fainted. The Batman was the fastest to catch you, and you collapsed in his arms. 

You were as light as a feather, and holding you like that made him feel weird...he just couldn’t pinpoint what exactly were those feelings. 

Alfred rushed toward you guys, and said : 

-Oh my oh my oh my, let’s take her to your...hum...Her room I guess. Follow me...Master Bruce. 

**********************

Bruce, not your Bruce, another one, took you to the room you shared with your husband. You were still unconscious. Too many emotions at once. What if this “portal” couldn’t be re-open, meaning you’d never see your family again ? No. That couldn’t happen. And yet...

Batman laid you down delicately in the bed, noticing that it was left undone and that there were definitely two people usually sharing this bed. He didn’t really know what he felt right now. So, in this World, you weren’t his best friend’s wife, you were...His. 

-Come Master Bruce, let Lady (Y/N) rest, it must be quite a shock to...Well, you know. 

He definitely knew. He couldn’t believe it, in his World, you and Clark were so in love...Yes, he knew you had a crush on him years ago, and he liked you too, but he also knew that in his line of work, there was no time for serious relationship and all...Was he wrong ? Did he make a mistake ? According to what his friends from this World’s League told him, everything was fine here too, mostly thanks to the Batman, to this other him who was...married. To you. His best friend’s dear wife. Who used to like him, and vice versa. He just couldn’t wrap his head around that.

Him and his children followed Alfred threw corridors, and they couldn’t help but stop at almost every pictures hung on the walls. It wasn’t austere paintings like in their house, it was colorful photographs. 

Dick stopped in front of a picture where he just graduated from High School, and you and Bruce were on each side of him, arms around his shoulder. All of you smiled, even the bat. “I’m so proud of you son”, was written on the picture, signed by Bruce. A little cute heart followed by “I love you my wonder boy, you’re the most fantastic one ever !” was also written, with a signature he didn’t recognize, probably yours. His heart tightened, Bruce wasn’t even at his graduation day where he came from...

Jason’s eyes got attracted by a picture where he was sitting on Bruce’s shoulders. Bruce was looking up at him, a bright smile on his face, one of his hand holding his, while the other held the hand of Clark Kent’s wife...Apparently his wife in this world. You. Jason looked happier than he ever felt in this picture. In his free hand, the one Bruce wasn’t holding, he had some cotton candy. On the bottom of the picture was written : “Gotham Fair, summer 1996, picture proudly taken by yours truly, Dick Grayson”. How was this possible ? In his World, Bruce and Jason weren’t on the best terms at all. They actually rarely spoke, though they worked together...This was all so unsettling. 

Tim was in front of a picture of him, age 10 or something. Bruce was holding him in his arms, hugging him lovingly. You were next to him, holding a trophy in your hand, and Tim recognize the science fair he won 7 years ago, but neither Bruce nor you (obviously) were there to congratulate him. He was smiling like crazy, his arms in the air as a sign of victory, and Bruce was raising him almost above his head, pride shining in his face. The caption under the picture read : “Timmy winning the science fair, 4th grade, picture taken by proud big brother Jason (Dick was flirting with Tim’s teacher, of course he would...)”. Tim felt tears welled up in his eyes, his life was so far from what he was seeing on this picture...

Damian stopped in front of one where it was just you and him. Outside on a snowy day. You were bending down a bit to be at his height, your arms slung around him, clearly laughing, and he was...smiling. Not of the fake smile he gave people at charity balls and such, no, a real, true, heartfelt smile. He never smiled like that...Also, he was holding your arms in a sideway hug. He couldn’t remember one time he ever hug anyone, or been hugged. Under the picture was written : “Damian and mom, Winter 2016, Dami’s first snowballs fight, picture taken by a very defeated Bruce”. 

Bruce was standing in front of a picture that made his heart beat faster than ever. It was you and him, he wore a beautiful suit, and you were in a wedding dress. Your foreheads touched, and the smiles on both your faces were the most broad and beautiful. “Wedding day, 1992, picture taken by little Dickie”. His eyes then went to the picture next to that, you were both in front of a Japanese temple, he was kissing the crown of your head, and you were smiling, your hand splayed on his chest, your head on his chest. “Honeymoon, 1992, Japan”.  Next picture, you and him at a charity ball. You were so beautiful. The entire wall was just pictures of the two of you, and another life he could have had unfolded in front of him. That other Bruce seemed so happy...Maybe he did make a mistake by turning you down all those years ago. 

Dick took him away from his sad thoughts : 

-Wow. It sure seems like we have very different lives here eh...

-No shit right ? Maybe I never got beaten by the Joker with a crowbar here...

Alfred jumped in, so far, he didn’t say anything and let them look at the pictures that littered the walls : 

-I’m afraid you did die, master Jason. However, Lady (Y/N) convinced you long ago to give up your...murderous ways you adopted after you came back to life.

-Oh...Well...Shit. That’s...That’s so weird. I feel weird. 

-I feel weird too. 

Tim said, looking at multiples pictures of himself and his brothers having a good time...Christmases, easters, birthdays...They were a real family here.

Damian didn’t say a word, but thought the same things. He felt jealous toward the other version of him. He had a dad and a mom. Real ones...

Bruce’s harsh voice stopped all of their thinkings. 

-Let’s go boys, we have important things to do. 

*******************

You woke up during the night, alone, and remembered everything. You felt sick again, but didn’t faint. 

For the next two weeks, you tried to help them as best you could to find a way back home. You felt so strange, not being able to touch any of them without them stiffening under your fingers. You felt so strange, not being able to kiss your husband, or hold your children. You felt...incredibly sad. You missed them so much. 

And they were no better. They had a hard time handling their discoveries. That in this world, they were a family, they were happier. Everything was not always perfect, according to Alfred, but they were...together. 

Alfred’s heart bleed with the thought that somewhere, his Bruce wasn’t the one he raised at all. Somewhere, he never met you, and never got out of the dark well he fell into when he was 8. Somewhere, he was just The Dark Knight and nothing else...and apparently, he had a very difficult relationship with his sons. 

You intervened multiple times to stop a dispute that sprout between them. All of this was so wrong...

At night, Bruce couldn’t sleep. More than usual. Plagued with dreams about what his life could have been. 

*********************

Finally, they found a way home, though they weren’t sure they really wanted to leave. But they couldn’t stay, they couldn’t steal what their other selves had. It wouldn’t be right. 

You felt a deep sadness in your heart though, as you saw them leave. From your understanding, their lives weren’t the greatest, and you couldn’t help but feel terrible at the thought of your children, and him, your Bruce, being miserable...however, they weren’t really yours, and when your family went threw the portal to return to you, you forgot everything. It made you feel guilty for a while, but what could you do ? Bruce’s decision in the other World were his. You felt so guilty feeling like it was his fault if things went that way...but realistically, it was...He’s the one that didn't let you enter his life. 

However, the thoughts of that other Bruce, Dick, Jason, Tim and Damian never left you. From the day your family came back, you loved them even more than before, if that was possible, and took care of them even more too. Because you realized that without you, things would be very different, and you hated how things would be. You hated the fact that they all looked so sad and distressed. That they all seem to lack love and affections so much. It made you physically sick to think about those other boys...So you turned your pain for them into love for the one you had. For your husband. For your sons. Because here, they were yours. And they’d always be yours. 

However, you could just never forget about them, even though you thought it was kind of that other Bruce’s fault. You just couldn’t be that cold. Your heart went to those boys, and to the man that never married you. It might have been his fault if it didn’t happen, but you knew he didn’t deserve to be miserable...

******************

Back in his dimension, he was thinking about it, and would definitely agree with you. It was his fault. And he knew now that he made a terrible mistake years ago. He should’ve never turned you down all those years ago. Maybe now, he wouldn’t feel so hollow, so empty...Maybe you were the missing piece. But he could never have you. Not anymore, it was too late. You just had Clark’s child...

He put his head in his hands, and let himself cry. For the first time in years. Because the thought of what he let go off was just too painful. Things could be so different, for him AND for his children. Especially for the kids...they deserved so much better than a broken man unable to show them his affection. 

They deserved you. But you were going to love that child you just got with Clark. His son was going to have the life his children should have had. 

And it was all his fault...

The End.

[godeki]

Gotei 15 Through the Years (An IRL Story)

Where to begin... Well let’s see, 12 year ago I started dating a girl who seemed very much like me. We hit off very easily and after a lot of complications and various issues (this is another story in itself) we ended up together. Now, you just keep in mind that when we started dating neither of us were reading/watching BLEACH (hell i didn’t even know about it yet). Well sometime in the first year or so of being together, I found BLEACH and I fell in love with it. As a natural gesture, I shared this new love with the girl I loved. After some early dismissals of the material, she eventual began to like BLEACH as well.

From there, things only escalated as we and most of friends discovered that we shared a lot in common with the two main protagonists of BLEACH (Ichigo and Rukia). From our personalities, to behaviors, to even mannerisms. Now you must also keep in mind, we were like this before we ever found BLEACH. However the fact that we were so similar to these characters, made our bond to one another seem even stronger. We loved the back and forth relationship that these two shared and how well they complimented one another. It was like they were made for us in some way, shape or form.

Fast forward a bit and my love (who has a talent for sewing and such) made us both Shinigami robes for our respective characters and we used them for cosplay purposes at several anime conventions we were going to at the time. Eventually I was given an upgrade as she made me Ichigo’s Bankai coat. Now I must tell you the amount of detail and time she put into this coat. She spent quite some time starring at pictures of his coat over and over to get all the details down. She managed to work out all the tattered cuts and “spikes” at the end of his coat...TWICE! Once for the black outter coat, and then again for a red inner liner for the coat. Now the Shinigami robes were not our only BLEACH costumes, we both had the corresponding characters School Uniforms for cosplay use as well. Later we adopted a fan theory about Ichigo being the captain of Gotei 15 ( with the flower for the squad be a Strawberry Plant) and Rukia being his Vice Captain. My love then decided to take this one step further and actually make herself the Vice Captain badge with the strawberry plant on it and a captain’s cloak for me with the #15 on the back in the same design style as the other 13 official ones. 

Now, you might be wondering why I mention all of this, well it is to help further your understanding of who we are and how much we were into BLEACH. Let us skip ahead a bit more to about roughly 2.5 years into our relationship. It is currently 2007 at this point and we are at Otakon (an anime convention) and I am about to make the biggest change in my life. On July 21st, while we were at the convention, in front of a bunch of our friends, I asked my Rukia to be mine forever. I had this whole proposal worked out. I had been plotting for months exactly how I was going to do it, where I was going to do it and when I was going to do it. I even had my male friends all in on it and made them assist with getting things prepared. After all my planning for the months leading up to actually popping the question, I had everything figured out.... that is, everything except for actually handling the final part that involved presenting her with the ring. I got all the way up to that moment and literally just winged that last part. It was a bit haphazard and I did not get down on one knee or anything. I literally fumbled the ending, after all that careful plotting.

As the years went on and BLEACH’s story continued, we continued to use our cosplays of each character. Every convention saw the return of our dynamic duo despite the fanbase dying off more and more each year. It didn’t matter to us, they were us and we were them and nothing was going to change that. Or so we thought. Jump ahead to August 2016, and we are at Otakon once again (there is roughly 2 chapters left in BLECH) and just like most people, we feel like the series should have ended after Aizen. ( I hate to admit to it though) We did our usual routine, used some new costumes, some old ones, and of course our BLEACH ones.

Then, the last 2 chapters arrive, and needless to say we weren’t happy with the outcome. Of course the biggest shock was that our pairing, the two people we identified with most, the two that seemed like a 100% shoe in thing, in the end, did not end up together. This hurt, a lot, but it wasn’t the only thing. We knew all about the controversy going on for the last few months between Kubo and Jump. So we knew things were rushed, but the whole ending just seemed wrong and not just because of the Ichigo and Rukia parts, but also because every character seemed wrong and things felt like he pulled an Evangelion on the fans. Now I am not here to debate things over the ending, but it is important that I mention all this for the rest of my story.

My other half took the ending much harder than I did. She was terrified to an extent for various reasons. One of the bigger ones was, she was worried about using our costumes ever again. Part in due to the out lash we might get from other BLEACH cosplayers and part was her fear that my emotional state might deteriorate from it. These two fictional people, had been our everything for the last 10+ years. As I stated, they were our go to cosplays, they were our pairing, and they were our engagement. So they mean a lot to us because as I said, they are us and we are them. We share a lot of fond memories that came about because of them. Now this may seem childish to some or even outright dumb but it is hard to just get over something that has been so prominent in your life.

We were both worried about each other and how we would handle the subject going forward and what we would do if the subject was brought up. I assured her of one thing shortly after the ending had happened ‘We will have the ending that they didn’t.” That one line from me to her seem to set her mind at ease some and I think helped her to understand that nothing was going to change between us. Needless to say the ending still baffles us and even gets her upset from time to time but I just keep reminding her that “We will have the ending that they didn’t.” and it always seems to help some. I am sure that over time things will get easier and it won’t bother us as much as it did/does.

Now let us skip ahead once more to the present day. Two anime conventions have passed since the ending of BLEACH and I am pleased to say that nothing has changed. We still behave the same ways we always have, we still have the same personalities, and yes, we have still been using our BLEACH cosplays. Surprisingly (or maybe not) no one has heckled us or given us and crap over it. (I’ve had my share of BS experiences from a cosplay community before so I am a bit surprised honestly). This past weekend was once again Otakon and we once again donned a familiar set of robes and had our fun as always. There was even a BLEACH photoshoot again, granted there was only like 5 or 6 of us that showed up (strange because we saw a lot more BLEACH characters walking around that didn’t show up). The shoot was short and sweet and there was a lot of laughs. At the end though came a surprise, one that I was expecting at all. 

My Rukia, grabbed my attention and started off on a cute little speech about this being the 10 year anniversary of my fumbled engagement proposal, needless to say I was a bit caught off guard and embarrassed by what she was doing in public. The embarrassment only worsened at the end, when SHE got down on one knee and (sorta renewed her vows to an extent) and asked if I would stay with her for another 10+ years (yea I know she meant forever but it was worded that way when she said it. :3 ). Being the spaz that I am at times I excepted it my usual way which kinda threw her off but I made a slick recovery (not really but I did fix it). She then presented me with a hand made stuffed bunny (my own Chappy), what made this special was she had managed to sew our Gotei 15 Strawberry pattern into the inner part of the stuffed bunnies ears (the same idea style used my captain’s cloak from way back near the start of this story) for that little extra bit of awesomeness. 

I am not sure what more to really say about us. If you spent a day with us (before we discovered BLEACH or even after) you’d swear you were watching Ichigo and Rukia were just going about their normal business with one another in an episode. My other half means everything to me, and no matter what changes in our lives she will continue to be everything to me. She will always be my Rukia and I will always be her Ichigo. It is just the stubborn side of us both that doesn’t want to let them go an probably never will let them go. I don’t feel there is any real reason for us to let them go. As long as we continue to be who we are, they will always be a part of us and honestly I am fine with that. They have been a part of our lives for so long it is hard to imagine them not being there anymore. Sure the series is over but it honestly doesn’t matter, they will always live on as part of us.

I think I have gotten my point across and told enough of our story for now. Maybe one day I will share certain parts of this story in greater detail but for now, I need to sleep. To anyone who actually reads all of this, I thank your for your patience and for reading my little tale of my Rukia and I.

[awed-frog]

I find your thoughts about Snape really fascinating! Recently I've dusted off my old books, reread some parts and also some really good fanfics - but when I read HP for the first time, I wasn't really present in forums or followed blogs about it, I consumed the books pretty much in my personal bubble of one. I regret that now, because it took me some time to see how differently people saw the characters or reacted to their stories, beyond the simple "X is my favorite and Y is kinda dumb". 1/3

Snape is still kind of difficult for me to categorize - of course I disliked him in the first books for his behaviour and the way he treated Harry, but even then I never really hated him. I mostly asked myself why he did the things that he did, and I remember when I read his backstory in book 7 it made me profoundly sad - even more so than the deaths of others, for example Lupin, which really suprised myself. I agree with you that it does not excuse his actions, 2/3but the thought of what man Snape was, being stuck in a life with people who hated him and him hating himself for what he did when he was young - his story was one that really stuck with me, even years later. So, what I wanted to say (before this got a bit out of hand) is that I really enjoyed reading your thoughts on Snape, and that I definitely should go follow some HP blogs to freshen up my dash a bit :D 3/3

Hi caeillian - thank you for your lovely message. Those books had such an impact on so many of us, it’s always interesting to hear about the experiences others had with them. 

(The question of whether it’s more rewarding to read alone or follow the same story with others - that’s complicated. I guess we mostly evolved to hear fiction as a group, and I sometimes wonder if this is why some of us are so affected by books we read alone - you know, like it happens with post partum depression, in a way. Anyway - the HP books certainly had a profound impact on me, and if you want to compare your experience to mine, I wrote about it in my 2016 thank you to fanfiction authors - you can read it here.) 

Profoundly sad - yes. I remember that before the whole story came out (we were perhaps between books five and six), someone asked JK Rowling if Snape had ever loved anyone, and her answer was, “No one would want to be loved by Snape” or something similar - the rest of her comment, which I have now forgotten, implied there was something sick in the way he loved people, and the forums went wild with talk of BDSM and weird torture kinks. Instead, well, it turns out she meant it in a very different way: this is a man who never learned how to form any significant relationship, and therefore loves in absolutes - which sounds nice, but is really not. 

(I knew someone like that, and it ended in the worst possible way.)

Lily was Snape’s whole world - we’ve seen how jealous he was of her friends, how he probably didn’t take the time to get to know any of them, how he basically didn’t care about anyone else except her - it must have seemed so extraordinary, after years of bullying and neglect, to find this one amazing person who could see him, who cared about him and what he had to say, he very likely didn’t know how to handle it. It was disturbing and sad to read about Snape’s complete incomprehension of Lily’s relationship with Petunia when they were all kids, because those moments highlighted, very clearly, that Snape did not understand unconditional love (which is what a parent’s love should be). He assumed Petunia and Lily stopped loving each other when they were cross with each other, and despised Petunia so much (this girl who couldn’t see beyond his drunk father and mismatched clothes) that he genuinely couldn’t understand Lily’s love for her. That tells us a lot about his relationship with his parents, and ouch. I seem to remember JK Rowling described kid!Snape as ‘a plant someone had left in the dark’, and that just about broke my heart. Snape’s inability to feel secure enough in himself to give people a chance, his obsession for this one person who’d seen the best of him and his deep lack of self-worth culminated, of course, in that dreadful plea to Dumbledore - to keep Lily safe even if James and Harry should die. Dumbledore was horrified, as were we all, but I always disagreed with his immediate reaction (‘Her husband and child can die, as long as you get what you want?’), which was also Voldemort’s reaction after he had killed Lily - I don’t think Snape was hoping, back then, that if James died Lily would come back to him. He must have accepted something between them had broken beyond repair, and, as far as we know, he never made any attempts to sabotage her relationship with James. Personally, I always felt he simply couldn’t conceive of others as being real people with feelings and needs as complex and deep as his own and Lily’s - again, a childish trait and a heritage of how he grew up - and therefore no one else truly mattered, in any way. Which is dreadful, of course, but way more tragic and layered than simply being a jealous dick or a carefree bully. 

There are a number of neglected or abused boys in JK Rowling’s writing, and it’s not random that their faults shine through so clearly: the whole point of the books is to show how peculiar and extraordinary Harry is, because Harry, unlike Snape, unlike Sirius, unlike Pettigrew and Lupin and Voldemort himself, managed to hold on to his instinctive love for others - his empathy, his trust in Good. To use a whovian quote, “All that pain and misery, and loneliness - and it just made him kind.” Sometimes I think we were meant to walk away from this story having learned precisely this - that kindness is a choice, not a trait of character; and that it’s hard, excruciating, at times, to step back from that edge - to let go of those who abused us or taunted us or simply didn’t see us, and choose trust and forgiveness instead. This was Harry’s journey, and it was a profoundly Christian one. But Snape, of course, as the antihero, was always set up to fail and fall.

[j-cypher-moved]

@the anon who submitted their message two days ago

  I dont know why im doing this.. im sorry            

Hey alice! I’ve been following your blog for a year now, i think? I havent regrettted following you bc your posts, whether they’re your own or just reblogs, always make me smile especially your happy tag. I read all your asks and I did come across your bunny anon and I liked how you took your time to reply to them. So… I know im being selfish right now.. but because you’re the only blog i follow that actually takes her time to read and understand a person without judging her.. and give a lengthy answer, i thought i should… try my luck..Even if you wont understand me..i’ll just write what comes to my mind without a plan and hahah im already getting tears in my eyes.. Also im really sorry Im submitting this, but I think its gonna be legnthy (sorry for that too) and im afraid tumblr would eat the seperate asks..

So.. to start off: Im turning 23 soon, but I really dont like myself. like at all? I mean, being 22, i should have achieved something in life,right? but i achieved literally nothing.

I finished school and the 13th grade (its not university but here its considered like a college. after graduating you can choose an even higher school, 11th to 13th grade. but its not university because that comes after 13th grade). I mean yeah i finished the 13th grade but for what? I did something i thought i wanted, but am actually miserable in and so i suffered for 3 years. the grades in my final certificate suck and so no “good job” accepts me and tbh, you’ll think im a slob now, i gave up? Im registered somewhere that sends you mails of companies that are looking for employees, but i gave up? Im not even sending my application anymore but at the same time i feel incredibly guilty for that. And the worst part is, this has been going on for 2 years now. I left school in 2015 and have beenliving home, like literally home, for 2 years

what i mean with literally is… I never go out. I dont have friends lol i dont know what i did wrong in my life but ever since 1st grade i got bullied a lot. there was a girl and fate decided that we should be in one school, in one class, till the 9th grade. and because i’ve been bullied so early on in my life I had absolutely no confidence to speak up and the bullying continued until the 9th grade. she threatened to “kill me” once because I didnt want to play with during the break with her (Im pathethic because i still hung out with her in school because i didnt want to be alone. I did it once, stay away from them in breaks but i couldnt handle it and just went to the toilet to hide and cried silently until the break was over). I did talk with my parents about it near the end of the year and they immidiately went to my school to talk with the teacher and also went to her house to talk with her parents. But it continued in school lol. My teacher at least made sure that I wouldnt get paired up with her for any group activities though. For 10th grade, the class got seperated and I was for once lucky enough because I was smarter than her and so i got into the “advanced” class. Everything went super well in 10th grade. I actually had people i liked and felt comfortable with to talk more openly and the boys in my class treated me nicely, too. I wasnt just invisible for them. Its still one of my most favorite memories. But it only lasted for 1 year and after graduation we all seperated ways and I was alone again. (back then we didnt even have whatsapp and FB wasnt that popular so we couldnt keep contact) 11-13th grade was weird. like i said its not something i can do and i struggled a lot during the years. the class was again..very childish. (i was the oldest because after 10th grade, i took 1 year off because i was too late to apply to any school, then a year later i got accepted but realized i cant do it so i left again. I had to wait another year to apply to another school so..10th grade -> 2 years doing nothing -> 11 th grade again) But i got treated like im not there, again. the girls didnt like me for some reason even though we have never talked, i even think some of them were racist. But i could hear them talking about me in class and the boys did nothing to stop them (not that i really expected it but still..) and it kind of… hurt me in a weird way? Like my pride? I was the oldest in class and they still treated me like that, but actually I was disappointed in myself because i let it happen again? I was that old and still wasnt confident enough to speak up to myself and let them look down on me. I only had like 2 girls in class that i could talk to and that was it.

Now… thats 2 years ago, like i said. I want to get a job to at least do something with my life because i dont have anything else im good at (and no im not saying this for show, i mean it) but also because i dont have anything im passionate about, nothing i like and nothing that i can see myself doing? and so i thought getting paid would be best for me. But…. im not trying and i know that. im not trying anything to get into a job, im not going out to look for jobs, i cant talk to people i cant even make a phone call to ask something. And I know getting anxious for stuff like this is normal, but its not normal to not do anything for 2 years, especially at this age (Just because im an adult doesnt mean i have to be one, i know, but still there are expectations of myself that i fail to achieve and so i only disappoint myself further, does that make sense?) Like… all i do… is sleep, get up afternoon, sit on my laptop, eat dinner and sit on my laptop and then sleep again <— this has been going on for 2 years. from 2015 to beginning of 2016 i was kinda ok with it, i thought I still had time to figure things out, but mid 2016 it started messing with my mind. I realized how pathethic i actually am. I cant do anything to help my mom lol im “eating” her money (im not a bratty kid that wants expensive shit but it still feels WRONG to use my moms money at this age) and almost everyday I get the random confidence boost and motivation to actually do something tomorrow, to wake up before noon and try and call this or that company or go out personally… but… i dont. Even if i wake up early, I get the dark depressive thought of “Why? why should i do that now lol i havent done anything till now so why now? its already too late do you really think you can do something with your pathetic self?”

I dont have a drivers license… I want one. Its actually my first ever goal i have ever set in my life for the beginning of the year. The “new year new me” thing. I got the eye-test done while I had to a checkup, but even that is a month ago. For weeks i’ve been trying to go to the drivers school or call them to ask them questions but im so incredibly scared?? of what i dont know?? Of getting judged because I am dumb. I was born in this city but i have no idea which streets is where or what they’re called, i cant do math and so im scared of trying to calucate the distance between cars etc. Well im scared to call because im scared of phone-calls in general and because i know that I set it as my goal to GO there personally but on the website it says to please call them for questions, and so i didnt end up going because what if they’ll laugh at me and yada yada all those thoughs…

Also… this is very, very… personal.. that no one knows except my mom… and something thats making me cry whenever i look in the mirror. I… am really hairy. lol wow a tear just dropped onto my laptop oh god… ok so im hairy, yes. I have a hormone problems according to my gynecologist. The Testosterone is higher than the Estrogen, and so i have a literaly happy trail + all visible dark hair all around my stomach/chest. Of course my upperlip is dark too and very visible. for my face, i just wax it. but I cant possibly wax my whole torso.. i do take the pill with more estrogen in it, but its not helping. I’ve been to many doctors and even to hospitals but no one seems to care or help me.. they say the pill will help but its been years and it doesnt. I cant look at myself naked…. I never had a boyfriend, no first kiss, no boy was ever interested in me (yet… hopefully) but even if someone would be ??? enough to be interested in me.. I couldnt get naked in front of them.. im so ashamed of myself and my body as a female. And i know the talk of “Media is trying to give you the picture of what a female should look like, hairless thin etc etc. / The one that truly loves you will love you and your body for who and what you are) But the thing is… im not happy with it /myself/. I dont feel comfortable. If we go to a vacation with my family I cant wear a bikini like other girls even though I want to, i always have to get a bodysuit that will cover my stomach… To you or anyone else this may sound like im overreacting, telling me to "just shave it” but its not that easy and seriously no one can truly understand that doesnt have this kind of “extreme” hormone problem…

I dont even know why im sharing all of this with a “stranger on the internet” to be honest… i just want to get it off my chest, to let SOMEONE know how i really am? an adult that does nothing? and know it but again does nothing to change it? I know i might need help from a professional, but i dont want to and i dont have the courage or will to go to one.

Regarding the boyfriend and friends thing… yes… i have absolutely zero friends and thats also the reason im inside all day. I dont see a point in going out ? and thats also something that leads to… no boyfriend. because I dont go out (i dont mean like clubbing but just in general, like daytime) i cant meet anyone you know?

Also… you know what i realized after being on this earth for 22 years? I dont know if its because i never had any friends or experienced it, but i cant feel geniunely happy for someone? or be really proud of them?(im talking about people i have contact with. I AM geniuenly proud of BTS but thats another kind of proud) To my few fleeitng friends that i had, i still found something that annoyed me at one point but of course i never told them that or showed them that (because i think its normal to get annoyed with a friend at one point) but like.. i was never truly happy for them. I never truly loved them i think? Like i somehow in the end I felt selfish and was envious? And to realize that really hurts me now because I actually have no right to feel that way, i should be happy that a few people actually had a friendship with me (and i am happy for that but.. its not geniuene.. i dont know if i could explain it well or get across my point) I dont know… it feels weird..Its like im not capable of doing that. i wonder if i can love a boyfriend in the future

After reading all of this you might think I look like how i am and behave, too probably.. like a unhygienic bum or something, but tbh, im not even that bad looking. I have long hair, I straighten it, I dress nicely and put on perfume, I do my makeup and eyebrows to frame my face nicely and I actually do smile while talking to strangers because i want to leave a kind first impression..

I dont know why i divided all of these later on tbh.. i thought maybe it wouldnt hurt your eyes that much like this ;; I just rambled and shared so much of myself, im so sorry. Please dont be creeped out @ anyone who decides to read all of this ;; I guess I… feel at least a little bit better like I can breate a bit better now. I went completely mute 1 week ago, i just woke up and didnt feel like talking to anyone (anyone= my mom and bro. only people in my life) so i just.. sit silently in my room all day..I hope i can get out of this “mute” phase and at least talk and laugh with my mom again… my mom.. I cant imagine how it must feel like to see the own daughter fail at life this badly lol..

Anyway— I am extremly sorry for randomly coming into your “ask box” like this and making you read this.. if you’ll read this that is.. please dont feel obligated to reply to this if you dont want to.. But thank you..

Hello anon!Thank you for following me and im really glad my posts makes you smile!(i didn’t think anyone will go to my happy tag but :D)

Also you are not selfish in my eyes,you don’t have to be sorry and I’ll try my best while answering you~~

First of all,I do not think in any way that by the time you are 22/23 you must archive something,especially when that ‘something’ is a social construct.In some societies the ‘something’ means finding someone to marry before you are 25,in other it means ‘finishing uni and getting a successful job’,in some others it means to just be able to finish school.However,no matter the case,just because something is considered a norm,doesn’t mean that it corresponds to the reality.Just think how many people try to postpone their marriage,even in places where forming family is considered as the number priority.

 There are many things that fuel this type of thinking-that you must have some sort of significant achievement before a certain age-but instead of talking about the source of those,all i am going to say is that these words usually comes from people who are very stereotypically thinking without having a glimpse on what is going on in reality.Take for example,the job market(esp since you even mentioned it),people who are in their 40s-50s and go around shouting things like “but there are sooo many jobs!!you just need to try harder!!back in my day,i got my first serious job when i was 23!!”.Well...dear Robert...and every Robert who says things like that,apparently since you secured yourself a stable job from your 30s,you ‘kinda’ forgot to check how the things are today before saying things like this.The competitiveness is in job market is nowhere near the levels it was 20-30 years ago and this more or less applies to any country(i am telling you this as someone who studies this subject).

 Besides,let me tell you,again as someone who is in the academic field, I know so many people,and even some of my professors,who changed completely their degree in their late 30s-40s because they understood that the thing they studied in the first place was just ‘not their thing’.Like, real examples,my professor who teaches now history of european parties (he is his late 40s) had his first degree about computer sciences,my professor who teaches macroeconomics,was supposed to be a chemistry teacher(and both of them are A+ teachers now btw).

As for going specifically to the bullet points-i am going to mix them up a bit-but first of all congratulations on your certificate!You did it,you have one,and it that is that matters.As for the job situation:i don’t know if this company sends you specifically job emails that have to do with the field you studied,but if yes,I get why you don’t even open them.As you mentioned,you ended up not liking what you studied so having a job revolving around the same field is very pleasant to say the least.Also,again as someone who has studied the issue,have you considered going to some seminars?I mean I don’t know how if your economic situation allows you to consider this as an option,but I thought I’d let you know that even if your certificate doesn’t have the best grades or even if you don’t have a degree/certificate at all,there are some seminars (in most countries) at reasonable prices,especially considering how many doors they can open for you.

For example the other day I was thinking about starting some seminars on ‘how to be a professional secretary’.Im sorry idk how to say this more formally,but that was their main point:to teach you how to be a responsible,productive secretary,for any field really.I mean think about it:nowadays (at least in my country) those who get to work as secretaries are usually overqualified students who just got their degrees (e.g law one) but the thing is,even tho it may be really beneficial in some issues that will have to do with law issues,the general job of a secretary is law-unrelated.As a result,these freshly made lawyers sure can be great in solving law-related problems,but when it comes to making an organizational document in Excel for the company’s needs,they get lost,because they studied law,not how to use these programmes.What I mean here is,even if your grades aren’t high you can still be competitive in the job market,so don’t let those discourage you.

Moreover,I hope I didn’t scare you when I said in my second?third? paragraph about how competitive the employment market has become,because even when it is the way it is you can still get a competitive edge over others,by ‘building up’ your degree(if you want ofc).

I must also mention that i don’t know your field nor to which jobs you are referring to when calling them as ‘good jobs’,but in some positions having experience is way more valued than having a higher degree.This means that you almost unavoidably will have to start from a lower position (unfortunately).Like for example,if you want to become a cafe manager,at first you will need to work some time a waiter,then as a cashier and then lastly as a manager,ykwim?

And one last thing,which is kinda the complete opposite on my previous ‘tip’ is that there are more and more companies nowadays that want ‘baby minds’ aka workers who have zero experience in the field so they can ‘form’ easier their job behaviour according to the company’s policy.Generally,as someone who has been studying about this subject and also side eyeing job applications,I perfectly do understand that there is a difference between the theoretical part and the the actual reality,and the companies that follow the second or the third strategy may be very few,so I am not trying to make everything seems as through some pink glasses,but!!!! To give you a boost and help you gain some confidence,because frankly no matter the job/field it may come out as very important thing.I also do not want to make you feel you bad or guilty,overtly or covertly,about not having a job!!!!absolutely not!!!i just wanted to show you that IF you ever think about getting a job,not to get discouraged immediately at the thought of the overall grades and that there are some ways,besides the certificate(and even more which i didn’t elaborate on here),that can make you a qualified worker.

About you not going out..Hmm..First of all I am really sorry that you got bullied by that girl especially in such a young age,when kids should gain confidence while being with their classmates/friends.Also,from my point of view,you kinda grew addicted to her,even though your relationship was so toxic and when I say her I don’t mean specifically her as a ‘’’’’‘friend’’’’’’ but the temporary,superficial and even fake safety being with her provided you.Not because she was great as a person,but because when you were together I suppose she bullied less when you were together with her and you couldn’t make any more friends other than her,so that’s why you were,to put it simply trapped.I am glad it is over for you.And if it is not,if you still catch yourself thinking about her even now or think that people still may be like that to you,I’d suggest going back to your school days and wondering why she was like that,not because of sympathy reasons,but to try to do a ‘breakdown’ of her personality and her behaviour.Why?Because once you understand that,you may get why she wanted to badly for you to be her friend and I repeat,this is by no means a way to excuse her behaviour,but to realize that even the scariest monsters,are not so scary if you draw them bunny ears and put some pink blush on them(if my predictions are correct,this must be the fourth time you are wondering wtf I am talking about).WHAT I MEAN BY THAT:You mentioned that your parents talked to her parents,but the situation wouldn’t change much,if it wasn’t for your teacher’s intervention.What was their reaction like?Did they say anything specific to your parents?I do not know how much her behaviour has affected you and sorry if this is not very pleasant thing to recall,but what I am trying to show you here(if she did affect you)is that  that girl had her ‘reasons’ to act the way she did(unless there was/is some serious medical condition of hers) and not everyone has been though the same as she did so not everyone will/can treat you the way she did(again it does not serve as an excuse or should make your feelings less valid).

As for the girls in the 11th-13th grade,well...The only thing that comes to my mind is jealously.You didn’t say that it was girls AND the boys who talked about you,it was  specifically girls and keeping in mind that you didn’t know them before going to 11th grade(it’s not like the had grudges against you for something,they literally didn’t know you) and the fact that you were two years older aka ‘naturally’ stood out,it was their ‘duty’ to seems as superior.

Also,just a little tip which you can completely ignore ofc,but from personal experience,if anyone speaks about you,don’t try to correct them nor ‘stand up’ for yourself,put them in place etc,especially if it is a group of people and not just one person and I say this for several reasons.Firstly,one of the main reasons that these people talk badly about you,especially if they do it in front of you,is simply,your reaction.If you try to talk back to them them it is going to just fuel their motivation to talk about you even more.Even if you make a ‘valid’ point and say it to them,the chances are it won’t even reach what they call their brain and just laugh at you or even worse,try their physical strength on you...So what to do?Yes,you are right,you are about to hear the most cliche answer for those cases,to not care,or more specifically not give a f*ck about them and their words.Like it is really hard to offend/hurt someone when they don’t give a f*ck about you or your opinion(sorry if i sound too forward or harsh but i genuinely believe this).Besides,people will always talk about anything and anyone and anywhere,so what’s the point of caring about their words,unless they come from someone whose opinion you value?

*As a side note,I cannot not say how happy I actually am to hear how well you did in 10th grade,both academic-wise and relationship-wise (and it even continued in your 11th-13th grade)!(If you think that having only two friends in your last years of school was a very small number,ask yourself:you would like to be friends with anyone else from your class,besides those girls?Like the boys who did nothing?...I don’t think so…)Also,even if you are not talking with the friends you made anymore,that’s okay,because you still didn’t let your  past affect you back then,which is so, /so/ important,so please try keeping this in mind and cheer up on yourself for this!....And now that I think about it,I mean i don’t know if you considered this,but have you thought about messaging someone from school e.g. those two girls?Like do you have a facebook now?How about finding them there and having a light chat with them? (even if it’s been two years).

As for you wanting to get a job and not finding your passion..Well,to be honest I am very weak when it comes to this and honestly the only advice I can give you if trying out new things?You don’t necessary have to do them physically,esp since you mentioned sitting on your laptop for quite a big part of the day.Have you tried learning a new language?Reading a book?Also,if you feel guilty about not looking for a job,how about trying and helping your mom in a different way?Like with the house chores?For example,if she is planning on going to the market you can go with her and help with buying stuff/the shopping bags plus,you will go out a fraction more and maybe meet a new people/have some light conversation with them.This way,you will also beat the anxiety that bubbles up when you try to speak to people/making a phonecall,because again,I am sorry,I am not an expert in this area and the only,most productive way of overcoming this type of anxiety in my eyes is ‘by getting more of it until you get used to it’.By that I don’t mean of course that you should get used to anxiety attacks,ofc not,but start with small talks e.g. with the cashier or your mom’s friend you bumped into in  the shop,and even if your heart will race during the first conversations,after a while,I think you will get used to it,not the heart fastening,but having conversation with strangers and from there the anxiety may fade.

For when you get those sudden motivation rushes,and this goes for anything tbh,i have to say one thing:DONT trust your future self..because if you won��t do it today,you won’t do it tomorrow.Like it is definitely not just you,it is just that our future selves and way lazier than the today’s.And answering your question if “its already too late do you really think you can do something with your pathetic self?” NO!!!!!!Absolutely not,IT IS NOT TOO LATE AND YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC.You are literally 23 years old,you are literally /so/ young!!!Like if anything you are in the perfect age(maybe a little too young even) to get a job!!!Even if you haven’t had your first job yet,23 is still the perfect time to start..and the same goes for 24,25,29...59.I ‘can’ tell you that you can do ‘anything’ at any age,but that won’t be entirely true because money is usually what keeps people back,but if your dream,if your aspiration doesn’t really require huge money investment,then yes,you can do anything at any age and getting a job is one of them.I won’t lie to you it is probably going to get tough and hearing things like “this job requires experience’ or ‘we are looking for someone with the X,Y mark in the A,B subject’ may become a frequent thing but try to not give up if you ever to make some phone calls,but I promise you are going to find something,maybe after the 100 call,but I promise you will (if you want ofc).

Speaking of phone calls,well my friend,if you are scared of (let's put everything you mentioned under the same umbrella and call it)adult things..let me tell you a secret..THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO ADULT THAT HASN’T F*CKED UP or seemed more or less/dump by an office employee/a cashier etc.etc.We all have our first time for everything and being an adult requires lots of those.I am not telling you are going to get things messed up but I am telling you that if you do,that is okay,it is definitely not the end of the world and you 100% not the only who messes/messed up.Btw you are not dumb,esp for not knowing those things,I mean I didn’t even knew you have to calculate the distance between two cards to get a license…(wtf).You are not going to get judged for not knowing all those things,you are not a taxi driver and you are not obligated to know the road in your city(i mean,even they use a gps/ask the passenger for directions) and also there are approximately another 234987239 people who face the same problems/worries as you and the people working in the drivers school know and understand this,so everything is going to be 👍I believe in you!!!!Also a tip if you want for when making a phone call,if you are not sure of how it will go,get a piece of paper beforehand and write all the the things you’d like to ask/are curious about so you won’t forget anything and also during the actual call have a pen next to so you can immediately write down the information you get,so you won’t miss anything they say to you!(I hope this helps!!)

Another thing is that whether one’s gender may be,it still doesn’t mean they are going to a have ‘perfect’ body either and also something thatpeople hide is that this ‘problem’ is not as uncommon as we think it is?And let me tell you that boys also get worried about this issue (having too much leg hair etc.) so if you ever happen to like someone and they like you back,please don’t let this you hold back from showing your feelings.And if someone is an *sshole to you about it,like I said,the door is right there.Those who are worthy will stay.

Um,and btw since I also have the same thing as you(a little bit about the medical aspect) but have you done an ultrasound of your ovaries?Because I used to have a huge cyst and that’s why I couldn’t take the pill,it just simply wouldn’t work(i started taking it only a month ago since it..popped on it’s own).Another thing to check is your tryroid?It can as well cause a hormonal disbalance.Lastly,the pill itself may not be suitable for you,as there are so many of them that work in various ways. (please consider these next time you go to your doctor ;-;).

About you “being an adult who does nothing”,well the word ‘nothing’ itself may carry a different meaning for each person..Second of all,it doesn’t mean that the point where someone starts doing the ‘something’ is the same for everyone.For someone it is when they are 15,for others when they are 45.And just because someone starts later than the others,doesn’t mean their start is less valuable compared to others’.Everyone has their own pace.Also,you might not feel now life seeing a professional,but you may want  in a month or not at all,who knows.And that is also okay(tho i would still suggest mustering all the courage if you feel like this process it taking too long for you(NOT by comparing yourself to others but how it feels to YOU)  and visiting them at least once as a ‘check up’ if you want to call it ;-;)

About you staying at home all day..Well,i think some good ways to change it,if you want to ofc,is to,more or less the things i mentioned before like contacting one of your friends from school or attend a few events like book presentations,open courses,seminars.Like I am suggesting these things from my personal experience because 2 years ago I moved to a new place and practically knew no one,but by attending places like this,i got to meet a few new people who really helped me.Also,another thing that may motivates you to call faster the drivers school is,since the first few weeks focus on the theoretical parts of drivings(driving signs etc.),you are going to be in class aka with other people,prob around your age,so it may come as an opportunity to meet new people or even make new friends.

As for your realization that you cannot feel genuinely proud of someone,from my point of view it is what you said:if you don’t/haven’t experienced a feeling yourself it is really hard to reciprocate it and show it to others.One thing tho that I really want to mention is that the term ‘friend’ is really flexible.A friend may be someone you have been knowing for five years,greeting them everyday with a ‘good morning cutie’,sharing the same desk at school but still never sharing a deep emotional connection with them,so i really don’t think you should feel guilty about not loving the friends you made in school.Like your ‘obligation’ as a friend to them isn’t necessary to love them back to pieces,but be a good friend to them,which is a different thing?A good friend is someone who understands,respects,makes you laugh and I,or anyone else,can go on and on on those trails which appear according to personal taste/views,but if anyone ‘demands’ that you should love every friend you make,I am afraid I’ll have to argue with that.Besides,love in my eyes is too overrated anyways so…

Maybe you felt envious and selfish because after all,you weren’t /that/ close?If you imagine a scale like this:

You may have been closer to points A or B,rather than C,and that is okay.We are not supposed to form deep connections with everyone and that’s why there are so many different kinds of friendships.And I don’t think that you incapable of being genuinely happy/proud of someone-it is just you haven’t met that person yet- and I also do believe that you are,very capable of loving your future boyfriend.

After reading your message hhhhhh  no,i don’t think at all like you behave like an  unhygienic bum ah!!and please teach me how to smile,because i have naturally a resting bitch level 252 so i kinda…’naturally’ repel everyone?...oh well ,anyways,a thing I do think however,is not so much the lack of motivation,as much as lack of confidence?Like hon the way you described yourself will all your nice perfume and eyebrows ,aka more like a soft godness………I know how you it sucks being in that sort of ‘bubble’,the muted phrase,but really,the only way to get out of it in my eyes and also how i got out of it is a)kick the door open in your room and go back to your mom and bro 2)make something from the outer world ‘drag you in’ it constantly aka have some chores to do.Like again,for the drivers school:if you have classes every tuesday and thursday you ARE going to go to them because I know you can,and YOU also know that you CAN do it.Also,I don’t think your mom thinks of you as a failure,because moms are moms and a good mom’s role is to support their child no matter so please do not worry about the emotional aspect.

I am really wishing you the best and I hope you will be able to make those phone calls as you can and go out as soon as you feel like!I really must mention that maybe it won’t be as easy in the beginning and probably not everyone you meet is going to be polite,but i promise you are going to eventually meet nice people.And if you ever catch yourself thinking “why do this,there is no point” or “it’s too late for me to do the x thing” just remember that there IS a point and IT IS NEVER TOO LATE to start something new.Everyone got their ‘first time’s for everything.However,not everyone is doing it at the same time at the same time,so remember that.You can also get a little motivation imo from thinking about your mom and how even your little steps are going to make her and your brother happy.I hope this helps you💕

!!!!aslo a very useful and truthful (thanks to suga-honey-honey ;-;):i'm sorry to butt in on this, but i wanted to point out to anon that when you seemed to 'flourish' in 10th grade the things that were different were the surroundings and the people around you. don't think that there is something wrong with *you*. in 10th grade you were the same you, but you were surrounded by nice people and a positive environment. you can definitely recreate that. you have the potential, once 1 ball gets rolling the others will follow. you'll be okay <3

[brothalynchhung]

2017 overview

FOR FUCKS SAKEEE IVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR 5 YEARS LMFAOOOO anyways lets goo... this gone be a lot i learned a lot this year

the year started out...

kinda weird tbh like i was in a weird state

i was back to being obsessed following jk/gl lool

it was nice but i got to hopelessly obsessed

but they came back and it really motivated me it made me happy

hes so comforting until this day

he earned so much!! achieved so much! I'm so happy for him

i gained a lot this year too .. in a way

yeah 2017 was weird introspectively...

lot of internal rebuilding...

i did video 1 which was fun i got to make some cool shit and work hard on projects

i met my girl xy lol her talented ass

ate out a lot tbh i was a fatass beginning of 2017 wtf

still am tho wtf who am i kidding 🙄🙄🙄

jus classes with z as usual but winter 2017 was so weird cuz like.. i barely went to any of those classes LOL

video 1 was fun

adv com theories was ass idk how i got a B+ in that class i failed everything LMFAOO

phi was whatever

women and media was weird cuz of that weird girl but we got a good mark so whatever

quantitative LMFAOOO fuck that class and that bitch ass prof i didnt learn shit

other than that personally...i was going through some mental shit.. i felt alone. i felt out of it. i felt regretful

i felt so regretful i felt like shit

i fell into such a nostalgic moment like i just missed everything

jk kinda reminded me of like.. how i was? happy? in 2016 i kinda of left everything and secluded myself in a weird way other than fighting with ayt/mh on some bullshit i just was out of it.. i was chilling with weirdos lol

i was thinking like.. i miss how it is??? I'm not that different? i like all the people from my past why are we not that close

spring day came out.. that hit it. bullseye. 

childish gambinooo....

just really looking back, looking back on who i AM who I WANT to be truly. who i really want to be around and create

i valued my friendships

i was super creative... working on my book, investing in artistic pursuits.. 

i wanted to recreate everything i lost, i wanted to reclaim my trauma with that bitch.

i got to spend fun times with my friends, running around train tracks becoming closer again like how it should have been all along

jk had me looking forward to leaving to dubai

and so i did. 

i tried chasing him there but it didnt really work out

its not really meant to be sr...

he's just an inspiration for what you want and for who u are

the whole groups a blessing lol

even tho i left that shit cuz it got too much and too weird why bitches gotta make shit mediocre🙄

anyways dubai was kinda ass but i got to realize something important... who i miss, who i wanted/wished were with me, who actually cares about me..

WHO ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT ME

yo sr... if someone really cares.. they'll take the effort. STOP chasing people who don't care.. STOP damaging yourself and the people who love u for people who don't give a fuck

i dropped that bitch so hard i hope she fucking rots in hell

2017 . APRIL 2017 LAST TIME EVER I WILL EVER SEE THIS BITCH. NEVER AGAIN.

my life got so much better.

dubai was a detox but after i came back it was so good

hot as fuck

ramadan lol

fat as fuck -_-

dubai was just weird lol kinda realized its not my place but it was nice(ish)

need to learn not to rely so much on material shit lol

my family is the best

they really tryna teach u and care for u, u will never have another family.

also met nr!!! she was sweet kinda weird tho lMAO the cat shit jesus lol 

misk lol

WENT TO LONDON IT WAS AMAZING I LOVED IT

but fuck... lmao u know what the fuck u did yesterday -_- u DUMB bitch lmao who cares tho (...>_>)

came back... greeted by my friends who care 

chilled with them, adventures with them

but came back.. sorry. sorry to myself. sorry to the people i hurt

ayt, mh

i was thinking about it since winter i knew i had to make it right again, i knew i was wrong, that fucking bitch fucked shit up for us, we could have had so much memories in 2016 if shit didnt go sour

i gave the wrong person another chance they didnt deserve

so i reflected.. and swallowed my fucking pride

apologized. to who i needed to

and u know what? we good. like it was never bad. we good

...thats real. no flop shit, no fake shit, we good. loyalty. blessed.

u really gave the wrong bitch another chance u real did

stupid ass

then it was good.. adventures with my friends, rebuilding, forgetting, growing

together.

beach!! hiking!! badminton in the middle of the streets singing backstreet boys!! lol music!! 

KENDRICK LAMARRR

i made friends w ht again amazing lol

really remade friends w a lot of people lol

kendrick was so good tho fuck he was amazing my eyes were tearing/shining i cried like 5 times LOVE.. PRIDE. fuck those got to me

my ass saw get low live?? by YG fuck i love him too 

best night

amusement parks x3.. lol mtl with my fams..

yo me and lina got so close

i love my family. always.

NTCCCLMAOOOO 

they gave me so much hope after i dropped stb cuz or their weird ass fandom.. i couldn't deal with that shit they're ruining my damn nostalgia. but whatever I'm not gon hate on their success.. jk is still jk to me i hope he reaches the stars with his success

but yeah damn ntc made everything sooo good damn how u not have 1 dime but like 8 LMAO in one group

literally lights of my lifeee

jn😤jh😤hc🍅😩m😤jn😭jm😭WTF BITCH so much possibilities tf

love them they made me so happy

also their fandom is so funnny love the bitches i been following and talking to

anyways i saved up my money a lot but now its like all gone cuz nadas work so idk

UHMMMM I BOUGHT MMM??? WTF BITCH WTF

I WIN IDC I WIN fuck all these bitches

glow up glow the FUCK up

lost a lil weight.. probably gained it all back idk fuck me -.-

since fall 2017.. i been happy.. i got my friends..my groups..

rm, mc, ys💘 

nz,suz,lul,mar💖

prgl,sr,joan💞

hct!

nm💗

ayt

zainb,rame

xiny, jelly

and more...

hearts 4 all I'm just lazy lol

nice to have friends, nice to know there are people who actually like u and care for u and are fun to hang with, nice to know people like u for who u really are unconditionally 

nice to know bitches i hate will never NEVER have that

stay lonely pitiful boring unsuccessful and fake . 

priorities straight. emptying out ugly shit, rebuilding myself and who i am. having fun, fixing my look. investing

music music music GOOD MUSIC

movies movies movies

books books books

those 3 things will never change

unbrainwashing myself

realized so much shit.. istg my glow up is associated with freeing my mind from all this bullshit...

RATHER BE PROUD OF WHO I AM RATHER THAN TRY TO BE SOMETHING IM NOT JUST TO FIT INTO SOME LOWKEY RACIST UGLY BORING BULLSHIT

crazy how deep into my coma i was

BITCH IM BACK OUT OF MY COMA

going forward.. going forward.. investing.. changing... 

mentality shifting.. my image of diserable.. who i want to be 

better important goals, fun goals, fun shit, cool shit, new shit

destroying the fuck bitches who tried to kill me

bunch of fucking losers. 

I'm better now I'm happy now i ended 2017 happy as fuck

i DONT have my gl but i don't need him rn. I'm loved. i love me. my family and friends got me. so until i act on some long awaited shit and gain more resources and achieve more personally UNTIL I'm ready and deserve some shit. then ill get gl. I'm going towards him. 

you're with me.. even when you're away.

hope u feel all this happiness too, hope you're warm, hope you know I'm not where u are right now and hope ur working your way towards me too

ill meet u in the warm .

happy. i spent many nights happy no fights no drama no sadness (other than not having gl i get hopeless being in love with someone i don't know yet but i cant help it)

soon tho dw.. it 2018 now lol

anyways!! i grew so much in 2017 I'm back to who i really am I'm motivated I'm happy I'm inspired I'm ready for the next year

i ended this year losing my bitch ass acne studios scarf!! like a dumb bitch!! so I'm still a dumb bitch!! but who cares -.-

need so stop buying dumb shit.. ill get the trousers when i get a job and the fucking scarf won't matter.. yo ass don't even like scarfs wtf -_-

lool see this optimistic dgaf mentality.. 

CAASH DONT LAST MY FRIENDS WILL RIDE FOR ME

and thats exactly what we did tonight, dance and sing to disney hits and sean paul . happy and careless af 

I GOTTED WHAT I WANTED RIGHT NOWWW 

GOD DOES IT FEEL SO GOOOOD

2018 lets fucking go. I'm ready . I'm going to make so much shit. I'm out my coma, i know what the fuck i want . no more dumb shit, we do dis. LETS FUCKING GOOOO.