#just like the way ppl talked abt him was w a specific air of respect and almost reverence imo and now i see why lol

[strandedcrow]

so everyone hates drake? im so so so out of this world im a noob here

i mean personally i don’t listen to much rap in general so idk the history there but i started hating him back when he was like pretty openly and publicly trying to groom millie bobby brown so i’m having the time of my life rn

[unproduciblesmackdown]

about FUCKING breathing

i know i for one was like, months before i saw the actual movie going omg over this damn scene where simon’s mom tells him he can breathe now

coz like i said whenever i’m watching a movie and it’s like, close family where everyone’s comfortable w each other? what the hell is that, right. what’s having friends? whats having longtime friends? whats high school. whats interests, etc etc. can’t relate to those parts but you can connect in that “wow i wish i’d ever had that kind of stuff way.” but anyhow i can vibe w the breathing shit in a different way

b/c i never had to worry about telling my parents anything about who i am in any degree because that just like...wasnt relevant. there was no worrying about ruining what i had b/c what i had was shit. i sort of came out abt not being cis, cautiously & at a distance, just to see if i might be surprised with any sort of decent response, which i wasn’t. it just got ignored outwardly but channeled into that specific avenue of my abuse focused on the panic that i wasnt cishet enough. but nowadays im never trying to tell ppl i’m straight or anything. besides telling ppl to use a different name n shit it’s never been all that relevant to take particular trouble to come out, mostly because i’m always really isolated and ppl don’t talk to me all that much. oh well

but my point is. that i get the breathing thing. because you know how you can get those memories of like, sights and sounds and smells that you havent encountered or even thought of for ages, but for a moment you almost relive them through a flash of memory? i’ll get that with past emotions sometimes. where like, i’ll catch hold of some ancient memory and suddenly remember some feeling that went along with it. and way back in the day i didnt quite realize why things were so awful, or that things weren’t going to magically shift when i got a bit older into something better where i had friends and interests and got to do stuff and got a basic level of human respect from my parents. and because i didnt realize this i didnt quite Get how bad shit was. plus i wasnt as interested yet in being myself, and getting something different, and being able to escape in ways other than reading. so anyways, prior to realizing the terrible extent of things, i didnt have quite a weight on me. the future felt like something that might carry better things, not something that was full of dread, and because of that i didnt feel as trapped as i was, or know that i’d keep being trapped (so far forever.)

so basically because i didnt have the Constant Background noise of being aware of my own depression and rapidly being deprived of hope and confidence and general self worth (though that bits been on the increase for the past few years) just...every emotion felt different. like, for the past decade or so, even having a good day or week or month felt like there was an asterisk to it. there’s always felt like there’s probably something bad in the future, and at this point the future feels like a concrete wall of endlessly terrible things. and i’ve always been feeling antagonized by the situation i’m in, like practically every piece of support and positive attention is conditional, where i end up being treated with resentment &/or contempt. and at this point, yknow, i hardly have interests and have nothing that i want, and am scarcely interested in interests or want to want anything. the future looks empty or only full of more pain and i exist in isolation and in the hatred of the world and i wanna die because to be okay seems not only impossible but also meaningless because it’s possible ive never been okay nor felt like i could be myself or want things freely etc etc etc kill me

so going back to the memories. sometimes i’ll catch a memory specific enough and from long enough ago that i can get an echo of an emotion i had that wasn’t part of an overall Mood where i definitely wished i was dead and didnt only see horrible things in front of me and feel increasingly trapped by the entire situation of my miserable life

and the point of this is that to recall that kind of emotion for even an instant is seriously like a breath of air for the first time in however long. it’s impactful. like, it’s having your head above water for a moment and finally taking a breath and seeing the sky again for just a second and getting just a tiny, fleeting taste of what it was like not to be drowning underwater all the time. i’m not very metaphorical when it comes to irl shit but having those rare moments of “oh i’m sort of secondhand experiencing 0.05 seconds of what it was like before i was constantly suffering all the time” are so like taking the first breath that you have in ages that i never feel like making any other comparison.

anyways its slightly different from not holding your breath but also slightly the same. and i know what its like to hold yourself in because of dread &/or fear. good times. even though properly coming out to family or any form of legitimate parental support is foreign to me, i also already like get it, man