#just let me reclaim my trauma in peace

[hanquality]

starting the draft of a college au like i haven't been graduated for 5 years

[moeitsu]

The Tie Which Linked My Soul To Thee

Ch 18 - To Hear the Distant Church Bells Chime

Summary: The gang finds a new hideout at Shady Belle, just outside the heart of the new modern America. With Jack still missing, Kate and Arthur must work together to find him. Amidst the tension, Arthur confides in Kate about his deepest regrets.

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A/N: 9.5k words yippee! Not gonna lie gang, I'm really proud of this one. So many feels. So many emotions. Little disclaimer, when I talk about Arthurs past, I am not following the canon events. I've changed the details to suit the story. Anyways, I'm so glad to be able to share this and not make you wait another two months (oopsie)

Tag List: @photo1030 @ariacherie @thatweirdcatlady @ultraporcelainpig @marygillisapologist @eternalsams @lunawolfclaw 

**please let me know if you would like to be tagged in future chapters!

StoryTags: Widowed, Original Character(s), High-Honor!Arthur Morgan, Arthur Morgan Does Not Have Tuberculosis, Arthur Morgan Deserves Happiness, Chubby!Arthur Morgan, Canon Divergence, Mutual Pining, Slow Build, Eventual Smut, Eventual Sex, Eventual Romance, Emotional Sex, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort,Touch-Starved, Sexual Tension, Friends to Lovers, Child Loss, Infant Death, Trauma, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, Torture, Blood and Violence, Survivor Guilt, Aftermath of Torture, Caretaking, Injury Recovery, Period-Typical Racism, Anxiety, Self-Hatred, Night Terrors, Emotional Constipation, Self-Doubt, Men Crying, Bathing/Washing, Sweet/Hot, Romantic Angst, Romantic Fluff

As the sun began to set, casting long shadows over the dense swamps of Lemoyne, the gang found themselves approaching their new hideout—Shady Belle. The journey had been grueling, filled with the constant threat of pursuit and the weight of recent tragedies. They had to pack quickly, and unfortunately had to leave things behind in the rush. Now, as they rode up to the dilapidated manor, a sense of uneasy relief washed over them. Physical and mental exhaustion settled into their bones as they took in the site of their new “home”.

Shady Belle was a far cry from the relative peace of Clemens Point. The old plantation house stood partially reclaimed by the swamp, its once-grand façade now crumbling and overgrown with ivy. The windows were shattered, and the wooden walls were rotting, giving the manor an eerie, haunted appearance. A thick fog clung to the ground, swirling around their horses' hooves as they approached. Even as the moon began its ascent, the sun retiring after another long day, the humidity clung to the air like thistles. The dry fever of western Lemoyne was replaced with a sweltering sticky heat from the southern swamps. 

The surrounding grounds were equally foreboding. Gnarled trees twisted upwards, their branches draped with Spanish moss that hung like ghostly curtains. The stagnant water of the nearby bayou reflected the deepening twilight, and the air was thick with the hum of insects and the distant croaking of frogs. It was a place that seemed to whisper of long-forgotten secrets and unseen dangers lurking just beyond the shadows. The cover over the bayou would keep them hidden, but the single path leading to the manor meant it would be difficult to escape if they were ambushed. 

Arthur and John were waiting for the gang upon their arrival. Having cleared out the space per Dutch's commands. It was a quick, bloody battle. The old manor had been claimed by squatters and drunks. Homeless people just looking for a roof over their head and a place to rest. There was no time for negotiation, and so they opened fire. They had just cleared the last of the bodies as the sound of hooves and wagons approached them. 

“Welcome to my humble abode!” Arthur called out with a hint of mockery and sarcasm. “If you can ignore the corpses and the alligators. It's practically paradise.” 

Dutch dismounted and surveyed the scene, his keen eyes scanning for any immediate threats. He motioned for the others to spread out and park the wagons by the front. Approaching Arthur and John with a confident smile, “nice work boys.” He turned back towards the chuck wagon, “Ms. Grimshaw, Mr. Pearson,” he addressed. “Work your magic if you’d please.” The two dismounted from the wagon with a nod and began unloading supplies. 

Dutch strode up the creaking steps to the front porch. The door hung loosely on its hinges, and with a firm push, he swung it open, revealing the dim interior. Dust motes danced in the fading light, and the musty smell of decay permeated the air. The once-opulent hallways were now lined with peeling wallpaper and broken furniture, evidence of years of neglect and abandonment.

Inside, the gang fanned out to explore their new home. Javier and Bill took to the upper floors, their footsteps echoing through the empty corridors. Lenny and Charles headed towards the back of the house, checking the kitchens and servant quarters. Meanwhile, Arthur and John remained outside to help unload their wagons. 

Kate lingered near the entrance, her eyes drawn to the remnants of what was once a grand chandelier, now shattered and strewn across the floor. She felt a shiver run down her spine, the oppressive atmosphere of the place seeping into her bones. Sadie stood beside her, brows knitted together with uncertainty.

“This place gives me the creeps,” Sadie whispered, her voice carrying a hint of doubt.

Kate nodded, “It’s not ideal, but it’ll have to do. At least we’re out of danger, for now.” 

As the gang settled in, Dutch gathered them in the main courtyard around a broken and withered fountain. “This ain’t much, but it’s ours for the time being,” he said, his voice echoing from the front steps. “We’ll make do. We always have.”

Arthur glanced around the group, noting the weary expressions and the unspoken fears. Shady Belle might provide them with temporary refuge, but the looming threat of Bronte and Jack, and the relentless pursuit of the Pinkertons weighed heavily on them all. His eyes found Kate’s amongst the crowd, she was watching him instead of paying attention to Dutch. Arthur was relieved that she didn’t leave, regretting his previous words to her almost as soon as he said them. But his duty and his ego stopped him from turning around and apologizing right then and there. He desperately needed to talk to her, he had let his anger and anxiety take hold of him. As the crowd began to disperse he was ready to approach her, when he heard his name called from the small dock jutting out into the water. It was John. 

Arthur sighed, Jack was still their top priority. His time with Kate would have to wait for another day. As he left the scene he noticed Ms. Grimshaw handed her a crate, she would be occupied with her own tasks anyhow. 

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“This is crazy, right? Tell me I’m not the only one who thinks this whole thing is crazy,” John sputtered, pacing the rotting wooden dock as Arthur approached.

The small wooden fishing bench called his name, and Arthur sat down with a weary sigh. He felt so tired, so drained, and so old. The years of running were catching up to him. “It’s gonna be alright, John.”

“We should be going after Jack!” John exclaimed, his voice laced with frustration.

“We will. As soon as everyone is safe and settled in. We need to be careful. Milton is coming back, and he’ll bring an army with him,” Arthur explained. “Jack will be alright. We’re no use to him dead.”

John sighed, defeated, and took the seat next to Arthur. He pulled out a cigarette and lit the match with the tip of his boot. After a long drag, he passed the burning tobacco to his elder brother. “I don't even know what to think anymore.”

Arthur nodded and accepted the cigarette, taking a slow drag and letting the smoke pool around them in a cloud. “I know, but we gotta be smart about this.”

John scoffed. “Smart? Are you joking? We stirred up so much trouble and drew ‘em right to us again! How many people have we killed in the past week?”

Arthur ran a hand through his hair, feeling the weight of their actions. “Far too many, I reckon.”

“I’m tired of Dutch’s games, Hosea’s too. ‘Master con men’ my ass. They’re getting old and running out of ideas. Why should we suffer for it?” John said bitterly.

“Watch your mouth, Marston,” Arthur shot him a warning glare. “They thought those families were sitting on gold. I don’t know what else to tell you. Things don’t always work out—”

“Yeah, they thought there was money,” John interrupted. “Ain’t this always about money? And yet we never seem to have any!”

Arthur sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose as John stood up abruptly. “Jack’s gone. Sean’s dead, Mac, Davey, Jenny. All of this death, and for what?”

John was beginning to sound like Kate, and Arthur understood why she had joined him on their revenge mission. “We can’t change what’s done. We can only move on.”

“We need to start learning from our mistakes. We need to leave,” John said with confidence. “After we get Jack. My family, you, and Kate. We high tail.”

“We’ve had a rocky run, but it ain’t all bad. Dutch has a plan—” Arthur tried to make his brother see reason and logic. Running away wasn't going to be easy on their own, and they had the whole gang to take care of.

“This whole plan is a goddamn mess! Dutch keeps gettin’ us into worse trouble! You nearly died because he was too ignorant to see he was being set up.”

Arthur rose from his seat and pointed an accusatory finger at his brother. “And I hear you decided to take care of that little problem. Maybe if you hadn’t left, Jack wouldn’t be gone!” John swallowed and narrowed his gaze.

“You could have gotten yourself killed, Marston. Or worse. You keep this up, and you’ll never make it out alive.” Arthur shoved past him, intending to leave with those words.

He had heard enough. The situation gnawed at him. John and Kate were right, and he knew it, but he couldn’t bring himself to go against Dutch. He had to have faith that things would work out, that he would see them through this. Dutch had always taken care of them, since the day he found them when they were children.

“I know Kate broke your promise,” John said slowly. Arthur stopped in his tracks. “I asked her to. And she fought unlike any woman I’ve seen before.” A moment of silence passed between them, sweat running down Arthur’s neck and tickling his spine.

“I don’t know what she sees in you, Morgan, but she loves you something fierce,” John said finally.

Red. Arthur’s vision went red. Images of a woman long gone flashed before his eyes, letters of love burning in a fire. Memories of his past mingled with his present, the pain and guilt intermingling in a relentless assault on his senses.

He whirled around and shoved John back harshly, nearly pushing him into the water. “You don’t know a goddamn thing about Kate!” he shouted, his voice cracking under the weight of his emotions.

John’s eyes darkened, but he held his ground. “I know you're terrified she’ll end up like Eliza,” he said, adding salt to the wound he knew he was reopening.

“You have the chance to do this differently, Arthur. Think about that.” This time John was the one to push past Arthur, making his way back into the bustling camp as everyone continued to unpack.

Arthur took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. Grief and regret flooded over him, each memory of Eliza and Isaac tearing at his heart. He longed for Kate’s comfort, her presence more than anything. Her words always filled him with reassurance, grounding him in a way nothing else could. She might be the only woman who truly understood him. And yet he knew he couldn’t face her now, not after what he said. And all the words that still remained unsaid, the truth about Eliza and Isaac.

He willed the memories to leave, but they haunted him and pressed down on his soul like a heavy weight. He remembered Eliza’s gentle smile, the way she cradled Isaac in her arms, the hope that they had kindled together only to have it brutally extinguished. The regret of not being there, not protecting them, tore at him every day. The fear of losing Kate the same way gnawed at his heart, driving him to the brink of despair.

Arthur pulled out another cigarette, lighting it with a shaky hand. He sat back down on the rotting bench, feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders. The sound of cicadas and tree frogs filled the air, a stark contrast to the turmoil within him. He closed his eyes, trying to find some semblance of peace in the night sounds of their new hideout. But the pain, the fear, and the unspoken words lingered, wrapping around his heart like a vice, leaving him to grapple with his demons in the stillness of the night.

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Saint Denis was a world away from the rugged, untamed wilderness that the gang was used to. It was a bustling city, teeming with life and activity at all hours of the day and night. The streets were lined with tall, elegant buildings, their facades adorned with intricate ironwork and ornate detailing. Electric lamps illuminated the sidewalks, casting a warm glow that contrasted sharply with the cool, modernity of the city. The cobblestone streets were filled with carriages, horses, and pedestrians, all moving in a chaotic but oddly harmonious dance. The distant ring of the trolly cart could be heard as it made frequent stops at every main intersection. 

The air was thick with the scents of the city – the sweet aroma of freshly baked bread from the bakeries, the pungent smell of horse manure, and the ever-present tang of coal smoke from the factories. Street vendors hawked their wares, calling out to passersby with promises of the finest goods and the best prices. The sounds of the city were equally overwhelming – the clatter of hooves on cobblestones, the murmur of conversations, the clanging of streetcars, and the distant wail of a train whistle.

Kate had joined Arthur, Dutch, John, and Charles in their search for Angelo Bronte, the elusive figure who held the key to Jack’s whereabouts. Despite the fight they had, Arthur didn’t protest her presence. The tension between them was palpable, but there was an unspoken understanding that the mission at hand was more important than their personal grievances.

Dutch halted the group at the small central park in Saint Denis, the sprawling city looming around them with its grand architecture and bustling streets. The cacophony of voices and the distant hum of machinery filled the air. The scent of smoke and industry mingled with the aroma of street food vendors, creating a sensory overload that was both thrilling and overwhelming.

“Alright, we split up,” Dutch ordered, his eyes scanning the faces of his small posse. “We need to find Bronte’s whereabouts. Ask around, see if anyone knows anything. Be discreet, but don’t waste time.”

Kate nodded, her heart pounding with a mix of anxiety and determination. The city felt like a labyrinth, each turn leading to more questions and fewer answers. She glanced a look at Arthur, their eyes meeting briefly. She saw a flicker of concern in his gaze, before he nodded and left. 

Kate set off down a side street, the sound of her boots echoing on the cobblestones. The city was alive with activity, children laughing and playing, and people bustling about their daily lives. It was a stark contrast to the quiet desperation that had settled over their camp.

She approached various shops and vendors and asked about a man named Bronte. Most of them ignored her questions, opting to try and convince her to buy their goods. Some merchants gave her a weary look at the mention of his name, and informed her that they don’t want to get involved. Their demeanor suggested that this Bronte man was dangerous, and this mission may be bigger than they realized. 

As she walked, a distant sound caught her attention—church bells, their clear, melodic tones cutting through the noise of the city. Drawn by the sound, Kate followed the bells, winding her way through the streets until she reached a grand cathedral. Its towering spires reached towards the heavens, the stones adorned with intricate carvings and stained glass windows that glinted in the sunlight. It reminded her of the church back in Boston, the one her catholic mother would bring the whole family to for Sunday worship. It had been so long since Kate attended church, after her mother passed, her father never kept up with religion. 

The ringing bells announced the joining of two souls in marriage, their song filling the air with a sense of celebration and hope. Kate stood at the entrance, watching as the wedding party gathered on the steps. The bride, radiant in her white gown, and the groom, beaming with pride, were surrounded by family and friends, their laughter and joy a stark contrast to the sorrow in Kate’s heart.

She closed her eyes, the memories of her own wedding day flooding back. The scent of blooming flowers, the sound of her family’s laughter, and the feel of her husband’s hand in hers. She remembered the warmth of his embrace, the way he looked at her with so much love. But those days were long gone, stolen away by the harsh realities of life. Her family was gone, her husband and child lost to the world of chaos that seemed to follow her every step. She missed them all fiercely, the pain of their absence a constant ache in her heart.

Drawing in a deep breath, Kate squared her shoulders. She couldn’t afford to dwell on the past, not when there was so much at stake. The bells continued to ring, a reminder of what she had lost, but also a beacon of hope for what she could still protect.

As she rejoined the bustling streets of Saint Denis, she kept her ears open and her eyes sharp, ready to follow any lead that would bring them closer to Angelo Bronte and the answers they desperately needed.

Kate navigated through the narrow streets of Saint Denis, her eyes scanning the faces of passersby for any hint of familiarity or recognition. The city’s vibrant energy of the city was distracting but she remained focused on the task at hand. The distant sound of the church bells still echoed in her ears. 

As she turned down a side street, a sudden blur of comotion caught her attention. A young boy, no older than twelve, sprinted past her, nearly knocking her over. He clutched something tightly to his chest, his eyes wide with fear and determination.

"Hey!" Kate called out, but the boy didn’t stop. Moments later, Arthur came barreling down the street, his face a mix of frustration and urgency. He was limping slightly, favoring his uninjured ankle.

"You little shit!" he shouted, breathless, "I’ll kill you ya thieving bastard!" Arthur ran past Kate and darted down the alley after the young boy. 

Without a moment’s hesitation, Kate sprinted after the boy, her boots echoing in the narrow alley. She could hear Arthur’s labored breathing behind her, pushing through the pain to keep up. The boy was fast, weaving through the crowd with the agility of a street urchin well-versed in the art of escape. Kate spotted an alleyway ahead and made a split-second decision. She darted down the narrow passage, hoping to cut the boy off.

The alley was dimly lit and cluttered with discarded crates and barrels, but she navigated it with ease. As she emerged on the other side, she saw the boy racing towards her. He didn’t notice her until it was too late, running straight into her towering figure.

Kate gripped the boy's shoulders tightly, enough to warn him without causing harm. He looked up at her, eyes wide with shock and fear.

“I believe you took something that belongs to my friend,” she said calmly. “Hand it over. I’m not going to hurt you.”

Arthur finally caught up to them, breathing hard as he leaned against the stone archway when he saw Kate. “Goddamn rotten bastard,” he growled, pushing off the wall and approaching them.

The young boy looked back and stuttered, “I-I was only playing mister, I swear!” He threw the satchel to the ground at Arthur’s feet, trying to worm his way out of Kate’s grasp. He struggled as she tightened her hold.

“Please let me go Miss, I-I’m sorry!”

“Fuckin' right you’re sorry,” Arthur mumbled, picking up his things. “Tell me why I shouldn’t kill ya right here.” He spat.

Kate shot him a vehement look, and he turned his face shamefully. Checking his bag to make sure nothing was gone. 

Kate knelt down to the boy's level, her grip still holding his shoulders tightly. “What’s your name, kid?”

“J-Joey. My name’s Joey,” the boy sputtered.

Kate breathed and relaxed her grip, trying to show him she meant no harm. “It’s nice to meet you, Joey. Can you tell me where your family is?”

Joey shook his head, his voice trembling. “Don’t have one, Miss.”

Arthur’s eyes softened slightly, but his voice remained stern. “Then what the hell were you doin’ runnin’ around with my satchel?”

Joey hesitated, his eyes darting between Kate and Arthur. “I-I work for Mister Bronte. He said we could keep anything we stole. Said it’d make us rich.”

Kate exchanged a glance with Arthur, her heart pounding with relief and urgency. They finally had a lead. “Where does Bronte live, Joey?” she asked gently.

The boy’s eyes filled with fear, but Kate’s calming presence seemed to reassure him. “He’s got a big house by the water, right near the docks. Lots of men guardin' it.”

Kate sighed and released the boy. “You did good, Joey. Now get outta here and don’t let me catch you stealin’ again.”

Joey nodded quickly and took off down the alley, disappearing into the labyrinth of Saint Denis. Kate stood up and locked eyes with Arthur. It had been two days since Jack went missing, two days since their fight. There was a heavy, awkward silence between them, the weight of unspoken words hanging in the air.

Arthur's eyes were filled with relief and something else—something she couldn't quite place. He opened his mouth to speak, but the words seemed to catch in his throat. Kate tried to form her own thoughts into words, but her mind was whirling with emotions. 

Finally, Arthur cleared his throat. Breaking the silence. “I left Charles near the market. He’s keepin' an eye out.”

Kate nodded, “right.” Her voice is steady despite the trouble within. “I’ll go roundup John and Dutch. We’ll meet at Bronte's manor.”

They stood there for a moment longer, neither knowing what else to say. The tension between them was palpable, but there was also a shared determination. They had a mission to complete, and Jack’s life depended on it.

Arthur gave her a brief, tight nod before turning and heading back towards the market. Kate watched him go, her heart aching with the desire to bridge the gap between them, but now was not the time.

With a deep breath, she turned and made her way through the bustling streets of Saint Denis. The city was alive with activity, the noise and chaos a stark contrast to the heavy silence that had hung between her and Arthur. She spotted John and Dutch near a corner store. 

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Charles had been a quiet, solid presence in Arthur’s life, a true friend and trusted companion. Despite having been with the gang for less than a year, Charles had quickly developed a meaningful friendship with Arthur, seeing the man beneath the tough outlaw exterior. As they rode side by side toward Bronte’s manor, Arthur couldn’t help but reflect on how much he valued Charles’ calm and steady demeanor. He was truly a good man if Arthur had anything to say about him. 

The city of Saint Denis gradually gave way to the more serene, albeit equally intimidating, waterside district where Bronte’s manor was located. The grandeur of the city was lost on Arthur; his mind was too occupied with worry and the mission at hand.

Charles glanced over at Arthur, sensing the conflict within him. “You alright, Arthur?” he asked, his voice low and steady, a grounding force.

Arthur let out a heavy sigh, his grip tightening on the reins. “I dunno, Charles. Feels like everything’s fallin’ apart.”

Charles nodded, his eyes thoughtful. “It’s been a rough few days. Jack’s missing, Sean’s death, the new hide out... it’s a lot to take in.”

Arthur looked ahead, his jaw clenched. “It’s more than that. Feels like everythin’ I do just makes things worse. Dutch’s plans, they’re not workin’. And then there’s Kate…”

Charles turned his gaze to Arthur, waiting patiently for him to continue.

“I told her not to go after Colm’s men. Made her promise,” Arthur continued, his voice tinged with regret. “But she did it anyway. And now I can’t stop thinkin’ about—” he hesitated for a breath. “I can’t protect her when she goes off like that.”

Charles nodded again, understanding the depth of Arthur’s pain. He wasn’t around when Arthur had lost his family, but he had heard the others talk about the burden he carried.

“Kate’s a strong woman. She’s been through a lot, just like you. She thought she was doin’ the right thing, even if it went against what you wanted.”

Arthur sighed, the weight of his past bearing down on him. “She promised me—”

“Stop. It’s not about her promise, I know you’re not as dense as all that.” Charles gave Arthur a moment to process what he said before he continued, treading lightly with his words. “You’ve gotta let go of your guilt, Arthur. It’s eating you alive.” He said softly.

“I love her, Charles,” Arthur’s voice trembled. His facade of strength was crumbling away with every moment.

“I love her so much it scares me. But my loyalty to the gang, it’s…it’s the closest thing I’ll ever have to a family again. Kate doesn’t deserve to get swept into this mess.”

Charles sighed deeply, understanding the strain Arthur was under. “Kate is smart, she understands the risks that come with this life. But she chose you, Arthur. She’s devoted herself to you. What she deserves is the truth.”

Arthur nodded, but the words still hurt to hear. He knew his friend was right. “Something big is coming, the law is breathin’ right down our necks. I’m putting her in danger, and I am so goddamn selfish because despite it all, I love her. And I can’t let her go.”

“It’s not selfish if she wants the same thing.” Charles said, as the grand manor came into view on the edge of the shoreline. The others had already dismounted and were waiting for them by the gate.

“Tell her the truth, Arthur. I have a feeling no matter what you say, she’s not going anywhere.”

Arthur and Charles rode up to the grand gates of Bronte's manor, the imposing structure casting long shadows in the afternoon sun. Dutch and John were already speaking to the guards, their voices low and tense. Charles took the reins of their horses, patting them gently to keep them calm. Arthur scanned the scene, his eyes immediately seeking out Kate.

He found her standing a little apart from the others, her gaze fixed on the manor with a determined look. Arthur approached her quietly, the weight of the past few days heavy on his shoulders. He stopped beside her, gazing up at the grand house. His presence was a silent reassurance.

“Kate,” Arthur murmured, his voice barely above a whisper.

Kate turned to him, her eyes softening with concern. “Arthur,” she breathed. He looked down, searching her eyes, seeing trust and understanding shimmering within them. Arthur was sure of it.

“Will you stay with Charles? Keep an eye on things, for me?” He had no idea what they were about to walk into, but if he could keep her safe from it, Arthur would damn well do it.

“Of course,” Kate answered immediately.

Arthur breathed a sigh of relief just as Dutch called his name. The heavy metal gates opened with a loud creaking sound, and before Arthur could turn away, Kate grabbed his hand.

“You be safe, ya hear?” she said sternly. “And you get that boy back, no matter what.” A small grin played on her lips.

“I’m countin’ on it, sweetheart,” he replied, bringing their conjoined hands to his face and kissing her knuckles.

His fierce, determined eyes locked on hers for a moment, before he broke away, rising to his duties. The simple gesture spoke volumes, a promise of protection and unwavering love.

As the gates closed with a loud bang behind them, Kate watched the three of them ascend the long white marble steps and enter the manor. She whispered a silent prayer to the wind for their safety, and Jack's return. 

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By some miracle, the illusive man, Angelo Bronte, had not harmed a single hair on Jack's head. Much to everyone's surprise, Mr. Bronte had fed him, clothed him, and even given him a room of his own, full of toys, books, and games that every child could only dream of. The ride back to Shady Belle was filled with a silent relief. It was a win by all means, for once in their lives the conflict did not end with bloodshed. And for that, everyone was grateful. 

Jack was home safe with his mother once again. Smothering him with kisses and checking every inch of his body for signs of harm. The young boy protested and whined, promising his Ma that he was fine. But as they sat around the fire, Abigail held her boy tightly in her lap. Resting her head against his, and promising never to let him out of her sight ever again. 

The gang decided to celebrate Jack's return, letting the tension of the past days melt away in the warmth of a roaring fire. Singing and dancing erupted around the flames, creating a tapestry of joy and camaraderie under the moonlit sky. The flickering firelight cast playful shadows, illuminating the faces of the outlaws who, for one night, could forget their troubles.

Kate mingled with the others, trying to shake off the weight of recent events. But her eyes kept drifting to the periphery, where she noticed Arthur standing at a distance, watching the festivities with a sorrowful expression. His silhouette was stark against the dark backdrop of the night, a silent guardian on the edge of the light. He stood alone, like a wolf banished from the pack. The only signs of life were the red glow of his cigarette, as he lifted it to lips every so often. 

She entertained the party for a while longer, joining in the songs and clapping along with the rhythm of the music. But when she looked back to where Arthur had been standing, he was gone. The empty space he left behind tugged at her heart, and she knew she had to find him. 

Excusing herself from the group, Kate made her way through the camp, the laughter and music fading behind her. She walked towards the dimly lit manor, her footsteps soft against the grass and gravel.

Instead of focussing on the dreadful state of their new home – the peeling walls, the rotting stairs and missing floorboards – she focused instead, on the flickering light of Arthur’s room. She paused for a moment outside the door, gathering her thoughts.

All was silent on the second floor, except for the gentle creaking of the door that stood between them. It was missing one of its hinges, and the knob was long gong, the wind rocked the wooden frame in a gentle dance. Kate knocked quietly. 

“Come in,” Arthur called. His voice sounded hoarse and tired.

Kate pushed the door open and stepped into the room. Arthur was sitting on the edge of the bed, his head bowed, lost in thought. The dim light from a single oil lantern cast a warm glow over his rugged features, highlighting the lines of weariness and worry etched into his face. He looked up as she entered, his eyes meeting hers with a mixture of surprise and something else—something deeper, more vulnerable.

She glanced around the room, noting how his things had been neatly unpacked by the others. A map lay sprawled across a large wooden crate, detailing their recent escapades and potential new routes. Old shelves were lined with gun ammo and other supplies. But it was the small china cabinet in the corner that drew her attention. Amongst the few items on display, there were two photographs. One was facing down.

Curiosity piqued, Kate picked up the photo and recognized the man in it – Arthur’s father. She placed it back down, hiding his old face in the darkness, and turned her attention back to Arthur.

“This place could use a woman’s touch,” she joked, trying to ease the tension in the air.

Arthur forced a chuckle, but his head hung low, elbows propped on his knees. He played with the frayed edges of his hat, a gesture Kate had come to recognize as one of his tell-tale signs when his mind was off in a darker place.

She sat down beside him, bumping her knee into his, trying to break through the heavy silence. She felt awkward, unsure what to say. Their emotions hung thick in the air, wrapping around them like a heavy blanket.

Arthur's eyes remained fixed on the worn brim of his hat, his voice low and rough. "You know," he began, "this old thing, it was my father's."

Kate glanced at him, her heart aching at the pain in his voice. She remained silent, giving him the space to continue. Arthur rarely spoke about his father, and she was curious about what had him in such sorrow.

“He died by the end of a rope when I was just a kid, but he lived longer than what was good for any of us,” Arthur sighed, flipping the old leather in his hands.

“He was an awful man. Hated me since the day I was born for bein’ another mouth to feed. Robbed everyone he could and spent all the money on booze. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the night he come home from a bar, reeking of rot-gut whiskey. He lost all his money in a game of poker, and took his anger out on my Ma. Blamed her for bein’ the reason we had no money. But I knew he did it because of me.”

Arthur blew a short huff out of his nose, shaking his head as if the memory of them was just a simple misunderstanding. “He took me that night, and I never saw Ma again.”

Kate gasped softly at what Arthur was insinuating. He had told her a few stories about his parents, but they were never painted in a good light. Arthur always said he didn't remember much about his mother. Her heart ached; he must have been so young to witness such violence.

Shifting his weight, the bed creaked softly. Subtly, almost unconsciously, he moved closer to Kate. Their shoulders brushing, Arthur's figure nearly leaned into her. “When I was old enough to be useful, he had me robbing folks ‘fore I could even feed myself. If I put up a fight, he would whoop my hide with some old leather chaps till I couldn’t walk.” Arthur breathed deeply; the memories still pained him.

“I tried to run away once, hid in some fellas' barn in the hay loft,” he chuckled bitterly. “Lyle nearly killed me when he found me. Told me if I ever thought ‘bout leaving again, he would put me in the ground with my mother.”

Kate couldn’t find the words to comfort him. It was too much to bear—the thought of Arthur, so young and innocent, being hurt in ways a child should never have to endure. To be raised without a mother, and a father who despised him. The abuse of power, as he was the only means of staying alive. Kate knew he had lived through hell. 

“Sometimes I wish they had put me up on that rope with him. Would’ve saved the world a lot of trouble,” he tossed the hat aside, landing on the ground with a soft whisper.

“Guess I ain’t too different from my old man.” Arthur sighed and leaned back against the wall behind his bed, looking defeated.

Kate gaped at him for a moment. How he could compare himself to such an evil man was beyond her. She looked between him and his hat, Lyle’s hat, and found herself wondering why he would keep such a thing—whether it was out of spite for his father or purely out of his own self-hatred. There was still so much about him she had yet to discover. So many scars that ran deeper than the ones Colm’s men had inflicted on him.

“I’ve met bad men. Truly evil men, Arthur,” Kate began, her voice gentle and reassuring. “But you are nothing like your father. That much I know is true.”

From the moment she said the words, she could tell Arthur wasn’t going to hear them. He had 36 years to make himself in his father’s image, on purpose or simply by his nature.

Arthur despised his father with a fervor that burned deep within him. Lyle Morgan had been a cruel, selfish man, leaving scars that never fully healed. Arthur’s childhood had been marred by violence and neglect, his father's shadow looming over every aspect of his life. The man had failed him in every conceivable way, shaping Arthur into the man he had become – a man who now felt he had no other choice but to follow in those very footsteps.

Kate had that determined look about her, like she could conquer the world if she willed it. Her unwavering strength was one of the many qualities Arthur had come to love about her. Kate was a good woman, and a loyal friend to her bones. It scared him how deeply he had fallen for her. His years with Mary felt lost to time, her decline at his proposal had hurt. But his heart had healed from rejection, and she remains alive. In the back of his mind, he knew the safest thing for her was to be far away from him. 

But now Kate is safe, Jack is home. The gang is out of trouble for the time being. But Arthur’s past regrets kept him locked in the dark. He often told the others that they can’t change the past, only move forward. But he found himself struggling to take his own advice. 

Arthur's eyes met hers, and she saw the trust and understanding shimmering within them. His gaze softened, yet the pain lingered. “I haven’t been completely honest with ya, darlin’,” Arthur finally spoke, his voice softening at the tone of endearment.

“Then tell me the truth. I’m here to listen,” Kate answered, trying to hide her restlessness. She was desperate to know what was eating him alive. It was obvious his pain ran deeper than her broken promise.

Arthur sighed and placed a hand on her thigh. Kate immediately placed her hand over his own. “Those stories I told you about Isaac, I… I wasn’t actually there for any of ‘em.” He said hesitantly. Kate nodded ever so slightly, encouraging him to continue.

In moments of introspection, Arthur felt the crushing weight of that legacy. His father had set him on this path, and despite his best efforts to forge a different future, Arthur found himself repeating the same cycle of failure and regret. His father had failed him, just as Arthur had failed his own son, Isaac. The boy had deserved a better life, a chance to grow up free from the violence and chaos that had defined Arthur’s world. Instead, Arthur’s own fears and inadequacies had sealed Isaac’s fate.

“After the kid was born, I didn’t want him raised with the gang. I didn’t want him ‘round that kinda trouble. So I put Eliza and her boy up in a cabin, not too far from where we was, but a safe distance. I promised her I would visit often, bringing her food and money. Whatever they needed.”

His fingers trembled slightly, and Kate gave them a squeeze. “As Isaac got older, he began askin’ about me, wantin’ to see me more. And… I don’t know. Guess I got scared. I was terrified he’d end up like me. Like my father. So I stopped visiting, and I never told Eliza why. She always wrote me letters, telling me stories about Isaac. But I never wrote her back, and then I lost every letter in Blackwater.”

He sighed deeply. Thinking about his first journal, the one he had carried with him for nearly a decade. All those memories, drawings, and letters were gone. Never to be graced by his eyes again. 

“The gang had a nasty run-in with the law. So we had to leave and stay hidden for a few months. When things died down, I was able to collect her letters from the post office. Eliza didn’t know if I was dead or alive and yet she begged me to come back, to visit Isaac, to send her money for food. In her last letter, she told me she had borrowed a small amount of money. They were desperate and out of options. I knew she didn’t have the means to pay them back.”

He sucked in a sharp breath. “I was only days too late. Some bastard had killed both her and my son over ten dollars.” Arthur closed his eyes and pressed a fist to his mouth. “Because I was too goddamn afraid of failing, I was too afraid to raise my own kid. So, I sent them to an early grave.” 

Arthur felt a wave of shame wash over him at the memory. Knowing that he had ruined other families, just like his own. When he was sent to collect the gang's money that was loaned out. The thought of his own actions made him sick. How Kate had stuck with him after the mess at Downes ranch was a mystery to him. 

Kate's breath caught in her throat as Arthur's words settled into the quiet room. Her heart ached for him, the weight of his past sins and regrets pressing down on her own soul. She had always known there was darkness in him, but hearing it laid bare, raw and unfiltered, shattered her. She understood why her broken promise and Jack’s disappearance had ravaged his emotions. And she felt a deeper understanding of the giant that often consumed him. 

Arthur’s fear of failure was an all-pervasive, mind-numbing, greedy serpent coiled deep in his belly. Devouring his strength and will. It changed his world from one of fleeting curiosities and riveting mischief to a cold, airless box. Suffocating and relentless, it whispered of past mistakes and potential losses, dragging him into a quagmire of self-doubt. Each breath felt like a battle, every decision a gamble with impossible stakes. The weight of his regrets, and the haunting memories of those he failed to protect, gnawed at his soul. He feared that every step he took might lead to another disaster, another life lost. And yet, despite the paralyzing dread, he pushed forward, driven by a desperate hope that was as old as his weary soul. 

Kate pulled him closer, her arms wrapping around him tightly, as if her embrace could somehow shield him from the pain of his memories. "Oh honey, I'm so sorry," she whispered, her voice thick with emotion. "But you didn't send them to their graves. You can't blame yourself for what happened. Life is cruel and unforgiving, no man can bear that kind of weight."

Arthur leaned into her embrace, his body trembling with the force of silent sobs. "But I do, Kate. I carry that shit with me deep in my chest. I failed them. I couldn’t protect my own family, and I’m terrified I’ll fail you too."

Kate pulled back slightly, cupping his face in her hands. "Arthur, look at me." His eyes met hers, filled with a deep sorrow that broke her heart. Dark blue eyes reflecting his desperate ache.

"You haven’t failed me. And I have faith that you never will. But I need you to trust me too. I need you to believe that I can handle myself, that I can be there for you just as much as you are for me."

Arthur shook his head, his voice barely above a whisper. "I trust you. But the only way I can protect you is if I know you’re safe, if I know you’re not running off to find trouble without me at least knowing about it. I can’t bear the thought of losing you too. Not after everything."

Kate's heart swelled with love for the man before her, so strong and yet so vulnerable. Tears clung to her eyelashes, like shooting stars in the night sky. Threatening to fall down into their world.

She nodded, understanding the depth of his fear. "I promise, Arthur. I won’t run off without telling you first. But you have to promise me something too."

Arthur looked at her, his expression filled with a mixture of hope and fear. "Anything, darlin’."

"Promise me that you’ll let me stand by your side, no matter what. That you won’t try to push me away to protect me. We’re in this together, Arthur. And I want to be with you, through everything."

Arthur's eyes softened, and he nodded slowly. "I promise I will try."

Kate smiled through her tears, "that’s all I ask." She leaned in to press a soft kiss to his lips. Full of comfort and compassion. 

Arthur pulled away from her lips and took a deep breath, his hand coming up to cup her cheek. "Kate,” he whispered. His blue eyes searched hers, wondering how such a woman was created for him.

“I love you,” he breathed, the words heavy with the weight of his emotions. "I love you more than I ever thought I could love anyone."

Kate's heart soared at his confession, her eyes filling with tears once more. "I love you, Arthur.” Her voice breaks with the strength of her words. “More than you could imagine."

Arthur kissed her then, and it was like kissing a new man. A man who had shared the depths of his soul, bearing all of his broken and ugly parts. The kiss was slow and deliberate, every touch of their lips a promise of the love they had found in each other. A weight had been lifted from his shoulders, allowing the both of them to soar to new heights. As their lips moved together, the world outside ceased to exist, and in that moment, they were all that mattered.

The warmth of his hand on her cheek, the gentle pressure of his lips, and the soft whispers of their breaths intertwined, creating a cocoon of intimacy and connection. Kate felt the depth of his love in every touch, every caress, and she knew that despite the hardships they faced, they had found something truly worth fighting for, in each other.

━━━━━༻❁༺━━━━━

Kate and Arthur sat together on the porch off his room, watching the full moon rise over the distant horizon. The night was calm, the air filled with the soft sounds of crickets and the gentle rustle of leaves. The flickering glow of lighting bugs danced across the night. The faint scent of blooming night orchid wafted through the air, mingling with the earthy smell of the surrounding bayou. A gentle breeze brushed against their skin, cool and refreshing.

Kate nestled comfortably in Arthur’s lap, her head resting against his chest. She could feel the steady, reassuring beat of his heart beneath her cheek, a rhythmic reminder of the man she loved. He smelled of tobacco, mixed with cedar and musk. A comforting and familiar scent. Her thumb brushed over the softness of his beard, savoring the quiet moments of peace they had carved out for themselves. She traced the lines of his jaw, feeling the strength and roughness of his skin, the evidence of a life hard-lived.

Arthur’s face was lit by a tender smile, his eyes reflecting the serene glow of the moon. The silver light cast soft shadows across his features, highlighting the creases and scars that told stories of battles fought and survived. He held her close, one arm wrapped securely around her waist, the other gently combing through her wind tousled hair. 

After a moment, he spoke up, breaking the comfortable silence. “I’m sorry, for what I said the other day,” he murmured, his deep voice soft and tinged with regret.

“Hmm?” Kate responded, her gaze shifting to meet his.

“Bout you leaving; how I wouldn’t stop you. I’m sorry I said that.” He clarified. 

Kate smiled tenderly. “You’re forgiven, Arthur. I knew you didn’t mean it,” she said, her voice gentle and soothing.

“Good. Cause you can bet if you try to leave me now, I’ll hog-tie ya and run away with you on the back of my horse,” he said with a playful grin, his blue eyes sparkling with mischief.

“Oh yeah? Is that a promise, cowboy?” she teased, a mischievous glint in her eyes.

Arthur chuckled, the sound vibrating through his chest. “Damn right it is.”

With that, Arthur pulled her closer, his lips attacking hers with playful, hungry kisses. He nipped gently at her lower lip, eliciting a soft giggle from Kate. His kisses trailed down her neck, each one filled with a mix of teasing affection and unspoken desire. Kate’s laughter mingled with the soft rustling of the night, her fingers tangling in his hair as he continued his assault of love, his touch igniting a warmth that spread through her entire being.

Kate sighed contentedly, her fingers tracing the line of his jaw. “I’m sorry too. For breaking your promise,” she said finally, composing herself and sitting up in his lap. “If it makes you feel any better, I found those boys who took you.”

Arthur’s expression grew serious, a flicker of surprise in his eyes. “I’d imagine you gave ‘em hell,” he spoke. “Still worries me that they saw your face though.”

Kate straightened herself and gave Arthur a serious look, “It’s not like we had time for introductions, besides, one of them already knew who I was. But they can’t hunt me from the grave, Arthur.” 

Arthur sighed and looked away from her for a moment, remembering the young O’Driscoll who had stolen his portrait of her. “Colm’s a dangerous man. I’m just worried he’ll use you against me. That’s all.”

Kate sank a little at his words, feeling guilt stir in her belly, “I understand.” 

As if sensing her regret, Arthur attempted to lighten her mood, “Oh, don’t give me that look sweetheart. Just invite me next time you’re making house calls and…” he hesitated, searching for the right words. “You didn’t have to do that for me, y’know.”

“I know,” she said softly. “Part of me was just being selfish,” she admitted, her voice tinged with a mix of guilt and embarrassment.

Arthur furrowed his brows in confusion and looked down at her, “Selfish ain’t quite the word I would use.”

Kate let out a breathy giggle, appreciating Arthur’s attempt to be sweet. Her heart throbbed at his recent confession, and she felt he deserved the truth behind her actions.

“It’s true. Ever since I lost my family I–” She suddenly felt a frog in her throat, and her face felt warm with oncoming tears. 

It was easy to talk about them, to talk about her grief with Arthur. To share memories of her loved ones was as simple as breathing. She could paint vivid pictures of her family's laughter, the warmth of their embrace, and the love that had once filled her life. It was a way to keep them alive in her heart, to ensure they were never truly gone. But what was hard was admitting how her strength and resolve were merely a facade, covering up the darker parts of her. The parts desperate to regain some semblance of control in her life.

Kate's past was marred by tragedy and loss. The day she lost her husband and child had shattered her world. She remembered the suffocating grief, the unbearable weight of their absence. But fate wasn’t satisfied with her loved ones, it took a piece of her as well the day she was taken prisoner. In the aftermath, she had vowed never to feel that powerless again. She built walls around her heart, armor made of determination and resolve. To the world, she appeared strong and unyielding, a woman who could handle anything thrown her way. But beneath that facade lay a deep-seated fear.

“I’m terrified of feeling powerless again,” she continued. Arthur listened closely to her every word. “Unable to save my loved ones or save myself.”

She paused, her voice catching as she fought to continue. “It’s like this relentless force driving me, this need to control everything around me. I’m afraid, Arthur. I’m afraid of losing you, afraid of losing everyone I care about.”

Arthur’s eyes softened with understanding, his hand gently brushing a strand of hair from her face. Kate took a deep breath, her fingers tracing the lines of Arthur’s face as if trying to memorize every detail.

“It’s been so hard on my own. I’ve spent so long pretending to be strong, convincing myself that if I can control things, I won’t get hurt again. But it’s exhausting, and it’s not real. The truth is I am not a strong woman, just a scared one.”

This need for control was consuming her. It left her anxious and restless, always on edge, always waiting for the next disaster. Kate's journey had been a solitary one. She had relied on herself for so long, she had forgotten how to lean on others. Her independence was both her strength and her weakness. It kept her moving forward, but it also kept her isolated. She had been so focused on surviving, on maintaining her semblance of control, that she had forgotten what it meant to truly live.

“No,” Arthur sat up abruptly and gripped her hands. “No, Kate, that is not true. You’re bein’ too hard on yourself.” His voice was firm but gentle, filled with a reassurance that made her lips tremble. Silent tears ran down her cheeks as she absorbed his words.

“Goddammit woman. I don’t ever want to hear you speak like that,” Arthur's voice was stern, like he was scolding a child, but it was laced with overwhelming support and love. “You can be both. You understand me? I’m scared too, darlin’. I promise you, I’m just as scared. But that don’t mean you ain’t strong. You’ve done so much for this gang, for me.”

Kate looked into his eyes, feeling the intensity of his conviction. Meeting Arthur had changed everything. He saw through her facade, saw the pain and fear she tried so hard to hide. With him, she didn't have to pretend. She could be vulnerable, could share the darkness that lurked within her. It was terrifying, but it was also liberating. For the first time in years, she felt like she could breathe.

Arthur's grip on her hands tightened as he continued, his voice a soft rumble. “The devil may have dealt you some nasty cards, but you faced that fire and you came out stronger. You’re one of the bravest people I know, Kate. When I look at you I am filled with pride knowing how brave and compassionate my woman is.”

Kate's tears flowed freely now, not from sadness, but from the relief of being understood, of being accepted for all that she was. She leaned into Arthur, resting her head against his chest, feeling the steady beat of his heart.

“I love you, Arthur Morgan.” Her voice felt tiny in his presence. Kate couldn’t find the words to express how much Arthur meant to her, but in her heart she knew he understood. 

Arthur squeezed her tight to his chest, resting his chin atop her head. “And I love you, Kate McCanon.”

As she sat with Arthur on the porch, the moon casting a gentle glow over them, Kate realized that she didn't have to face her fears alone. She didn't have to be in control all the time. She had Arthur by her side, and he had her by his. She could let go, if only a little, and trust that he would catch her if she fell.

A/N: I know this chapter was super dialogue heavy. But tbh I just love writing conversations lmao. I particularly enjoyed the segment with John, he’s just a fun character to write. I was intending to end the chapter with Arthur’s confession about his father/son. But then i was like nah i really think Kate should open up about this too. It’s time to air out the dirty laundry, you know XD

Anyways. Big things coming my friends. If my little ADHD brain can work with me next chapter will be incredibly steamy. Lots of smut. It’s about damn time!! It’ll be a longer chapter, as there’s some other characters I’ve been neglecting for a while. And I’m also going to another wedding! So I’ll be gone for a few days, and I’ll be working on it when I get back.

Thanks for reading guys :)

[ludiharambasha]

Hello everyone!

Sorry for being inactive in the last couple of days.

A dear friend of my cousin needs help to get her family evacuated from Gaza. Down below is a gofundme link. If you can help, please do so, it would be very much appreciated. Just sharing this post would also mean a lot.

Here is Tasnim's letter.

"Dear compassionate souls,

I come to you with a plea from the depths of my heart, a plea for compassion, empathy, and the chance for a family to reclaim their shattered dreams amidst the relentless chaos of war.

My beloved sister, Nour Thabit, a dedicated English teacher and a devoted mother, along with her husband who runs a small electronics business, and their three precious children, have been engulfed in the horrors of the ongoing attacks happening in Gaza. They have seen their home reduced to rubble, their livelihoods snatched away, and their hopes and aspirations torn apart by the merciless hands of war.

Hadi, the eldest at only six years old, was filled with the innocent excitement of starting school, which he only got to experience for one month. He now only dreams of a life far away from the deafening echoes of bombs and screams of children under the rubble; a life where he could live his dream of riding horses like he used to do, on the shores of Gaza.

"I miss you, please take me away from here!" - the last sentence I heard from Hadi, on a rare occasion when I am able to reach my family since internet and electircity are cut off. Each time I do hear from them I can hear the terror and the trauma in their voice even though they are trying so hard to stay strong and not let it show.

Amr, at four years old, used to revel in the joy of playing football and the simple pleasures of kindergarten, until the sounds of violence forced him to flee, leaving behind his beloved activities and the safety of routine.

And sweet Julia, just two years old, now battles the cruel grip of waterborne illness, a consequence of being deprived of very basic necessities like clean water which my family got deprived off for more than 4 months now.

Their journey has been one of unfathomable trauma and loss. Moving from place to place, seeking refuge in a world where safety feels like a distant memory, they have witnessed horrors no family should ever endure. My sister tried all in her powers to shield her children's innocence, shattered by the brutal reality of death and destruction that surrounds them; she was even coming up with comforting lies about sounds of bombings being fireworks. But it soon became impossible to build any sort of illusion of safety since my sister and her family witnessed people dying before their eyes.

My heart aches as I witness their struggle, for there is no refuge left to seek. They live now in a makeshift tent, devoid of the most basic necessities, their health deteriorating with each passing day.

But amidst the despair, there glimmers a fragile hope. A chance to escape the nightmare they find themselves trapped in, a chance to rebuild their shattered lives and reclaim the dreams that once filled their hearts with joy.

Yet, this chance comes at a cost. A fee of $8000 stands between them and the border to safety, a seemingly insurmountable obstacle in their path to freedom and peace. The only way to cross the border with Egypt is to pay this fee at the checkpoint. The rest of my family is also still in Gaza but we are hoping we can at least save the kids, and with heavy heart we are making this type of prioritizing. No one should have to make choices like this. My whole family was stripped out of everything which is why there will be additional costs to cover up for the traveling and living expenses during the travels. Their only hope right now is to reach the safety of Canada where they can recieve further help from our relatives who migrated there and a chance to rebuild their lives.

So, I humbly implore you, dear friends, to open your hearts and extend a helping hand to my sister and her family. Let us come together in solidarity, in kindness, and in the unwavering belief that humanity still exists in this world. Every contibution counts. Even if you are not able to help financially, please share our story.

Let us give them the chance they so desperately deserve, to find peace, to heal, and to build a future filled with hope and possibility.

With deepest gratitude and endless hope,

Tasnim Atia

p.s.

Since I don't have a bank account in a "gofundme" eligible country, your generous contributions will be safely managed and distributed to my sister's family through the trusted hands of my dear friend, Milena, whose family (living in the UK) have graciously offered their assistance in ensuring that every donation reaches its intended recipients promptly and securely. Your support will directly impact the lives of my sister, her husband, and their three children, providing them with the means to escape the horrors of war and rebuild their shattered lives. Thank you for entrusting us with your kindness and compassion. Together, we can make a difference."

[phoenixlionme]

Arcane S2 Theory: Caitlyn will be one to grant Zaun their freedom

This is a theory just came to me recently, but I think it would make so much sense to happen. Caitlyn will be the one to free Zaun in S2 and I have my reasons:

One of the co-creators, Alex Yee, stated in an interview that besides Caitlyn being his fav LOL fighter, he also believes she is the bridge between the two cities. What if that was unknowingly an early bit of hinting at this theory? Now, I don't have the link for that interview but if anyone can find it, please share.

"But she becomes the opposite of herself in S2!" - I can hear some of the fans saying to debunk this theory but that's the point of this theory. Look, it's clear Caitlyn is going to go through a dark arc with the trauma Jinx inflicted on her before and after murdering her mother (I know it hasn't been shown but come one, we all know it's a safe prediction). So, she'll be making some mistakes and even end up causing more tension between the two cities. But SOMETHING will occur that will let her see that the path of vengeance isn't worth it and she'll snap out of it.

The above pic -I believe this pic comes from Caitlyn letting go of her aforementioned vengeance (not her hatred of Jinx but not allowing it to blind her). Another part of the trailer with her in the same outfit is when she was in an apparently high position point with a new rifle. I think after she tries to shoot whoever or whatever, she gets caught or has to leave her hiding place and get injured in the above picture. She's injured as she's holding her stomach and is looking up in fear/anger at someone (i believe Ambessa). And given that it's out in the open, Caitlyn is most likely on the bridge.

She and Vi have reconciled - Don't know what split them up or how they got back together but they are reconciled. How do I know? The black Enforcer outfit; they are wearing matching uniforms. Which only could've happened if they met and reconciled. And when Vi is wearing hers, her hair is now more red than black, symbolizing her reclaiming her identity. One person on twitter even theorized that the black Enforcer outfit that Vi is wearing in the trailer is the same one Caitlyn is wearing. Maybe after Caitlyn got hurt in this moment she was saved by Vi and Firelights and taken to a more secure area and gave Vi her armor to protect her.

Why Caitlyn and not Ekko, Vi, or Jinx? - Now while Vi and Ekko have shown to want Zaun's independence, they have given up due to cynicism and lack of hope with them both only being concerned with their immediate circles (this isn't me shaming them, I am just noting this trait). And for people who think it might be Jinx? A hard no. She may be gaining followers in S2 but I can guarantee that she's going to end up causing more deaths and problems in Zaun and wasn't truly interested in Zaun's freedom, only interested because she wanted to help Silco and now presumably because she's around people who admire her. But Caitlyn? Despite her naivety and sheltered upbringing, when she sees how Piltover has failed Zaun, she is adamant on helping them in anyway she can, avoiding violence as much as possible. And now that she's going through a dark arc, and then realizing how she forgot her original goal would be perfect character development and symbolism.

Speaking of symbolism, it would make sense for it to be Caitlyn to be the key to granting Zaun's freedom and restoring peace between the cities. She's a Piltover Enforcer who comes from THE most affluent family and is presumably going to be the most powerful person (politically) in S2. And initially continue the oppression of Zaun in quest for vengeance before snapping out of it. Zaun's freedom being freely given from someone who always intended to do so and even directly apologize for being complicit in said oppression would be the beginning of healing. Because despite Zaun's faults, it was Piltover that unfairly oppressed and hurt them, so if a Piltovan was the one to grant them their freedom with no strings, it may be the start of a (very long) healing process.

But how would Caitlyn cause the explosion? Using one or a nice amount of Jinx's explosion placed in a way to specifically target the weakest part of the bridge. But why would she have one of Jinx's bombs? I can guarantee that in her hate-filled vengeance quest, she could personally keep some of Jinx's explosions in a way to remind herself of who she's shooting at in the future. But things have changed and she realizes she must uses them to help destroy the bridge.

Why is she destroying the bridge? Noxxians are invading both Piltover and Zaun and Caitlyn realizes that more of them are going to successfully invade Zaun unless she does something. So, she uses the bombs from Jinx, places them in a way to destroy the bridge completely. But she uses herself as bait to catch the Noxxians off guard and uses her rifle to set the match. But before she does, thinking she's about to die (she won't obviously), she uses some sort of radio or gets help from the Firelights to communicate to the people of Zaun - And she declares they are free before setting the match on fire. Causing the explosion and setting the bridge to collapse, killing a majority of Noxxian soldiers.

How she would parallel so may characters by doing this: Jinx caused an explosion that killed Enforcers and attempted to frame the Firelights; Caitlyn causes an explosion to save the Zaunites with help from Firelights. Marcus only dreamt of performing suicide murder on Silco out of fear and cowardice but couldn't do it; Caitlyn performs a heroic sacrifice (she doesn't die) to successfully protect the Zaunites. Vander lead a fail coup against Piltover resulting in many of people dying; Caitlyn works with Zauns (the Firelights), saved the Zaunites, and destroyed the bridge.

And speaking of Vander, what does Caitlyn have in common with him in this pic? She's injured in the stomach area. Just like how Vander was stabbed in the gut by Silco in S1 Act 1 before performing his own heroic sacrifice to protect Vi. And remember, Vander and Caitlyn, despite surface level differences, have much in common.

This shot of Vi reaching out to someone below her with an anguished face:

Now many fans believe this is Cait reaching out to Jinx; and honestly, I think could also be true, even with their extremely messed up relationship, you don't get rid of the love that easily. But I can also see this being Vi reaching out to Caitlyn after the presumed explosion. Could you imagine the angst - after reconciling with the woman she loves (possibly including a passionate and loving sex scene that is also Vi's first time) and reclaiming her identity, she is now forced to see the said woman she loves be caught in another explosion. Oh the traumatic parallels.

12. Oh crap, I just had a crazy thought (that is also another Vander and Caitlyn parallel) - Caitlyn also causes the explosion to save Vi from wherever she is AND stop more Noxxians from invading Zaun; I don't know how or if it'll even happen or it might be too much but again Caitlyn is very smart with excellent aim, so it could happen. Anyway, she (like Vander) would be performing a heroic sacrifice to protect Vi from whatever danger she's in. Is Vi in danger here? Maybe; she doesn't have one of her gauntlets and looks to held down (?). Look, it's more than likely Vi is doing this because of Jinx but I can also imagine it being Caitlyn.

[fireemblems24]

Azure Gleam Ch 10

Onto AG Ch 10. Slowly making my way through all the Hopes routes.

MAIN STORY

Guys, I finally made AG Ch 10. Between wisdom teeth and a concert and FE Engage and other stuff I haven't had a lot of time to actually play much.

Aegir is not leading Adrestia well. It's so funny to me that so many dads got white-washed but they still left him an idiot.

So we're starting part 2. And Adrestia has gone to shit. I guess the nobles went full maniac the second Edelgard's gone. It's really a nation of sociopaths.

Rhea just said "knaves." I love that word.

Ohhh, Rhea brought up that lack of donations that Dimitri noticed in Houses, cool call out.

And they're putting it all together. Thomas, Cornelia, Thales - I love this, you guys. Dimitri and co getting to go after the people who did Duscur. Don't get me wrong, Edelgard is the far superior villain to TWSITD. And if I had to pick between the two, I'd pick her. But given that Dimitri gets two stories, I'm glad one of them gets this.

Claude is here!??? Does this mean he's not siding with Edelgard in AG? It'll be funny if he's the smartest in Dimitri's route - again.

Oh, we get a Claude and Dimitri team up? That's pretty cool. I doubt we get to use him though.

So it's cannon now that all three (church, Kingdom, and Alliance) are all weaker put together than Adrestia as one.

I also just noticed since Adrestia went full evil, that Dimitri is morally right in invading them to rescue the citizens lamo. He's really the "good boy" in Hopes. Though, he always was if you just removed the massive trauma events.

We're going to reclaim Garreg Mach! Cool.

Pretty cool seeing Rhea, Dimitri, and Claude all talking strategy.

Claude seems like he still wants to get rid of the church. But Dimitri's too realistic about it haha. The only one not living in an anime power fantasy.

Oh, cool, got some Golden Deer members playable now. And Lorenz uses his few lines to drag Claude lol.

If Rodrigue is in the West, does that mean no Rodrigue this chapter? Big sad.

MAP/SIDE QUESTS

Haha, some random merchant just said Dimitri lifted a whole ass cart out of the mud (she only later found out Dimitri did it).

This is the only route that lets Catherine and Shamir be girlfriends. By default it's the most superior.

Ingrid's alive again 😭

Interesting fact, Sylvain's mom actually really cared about Miklain.

Dedue is worrying about Dimitri and his overly enthusiastic work ethic.

I love how Edelgard is like we must have war to end nobility and promote commoners, meanwhile Dimitri is knighting and promoting commoners left and right and no one gives a shit. Meanwhile, Edelgard can't promote willy nilly because the Empire nobles will throw a fit. I wonder if she actually bothered to learn anything about Faerghus she'd realize how different it is and how they'll solve their own issues on their own terms.

SHEZ & ASHE A SUPPORT

Shez didn't get any answers about her mother.

Shez makes peace with it by saying she still loved her mother as a good mother regardless of what past she might has had.

They make some guesses what the mom's past is.

They were happy with the journey even if the destination was a disappointment (or never happened at all)

OH! Ashe got a letter at the end! But that's their A Support. So what's in the letter?????

SYLVAIN & ASHE A SUPPORT

They're learning strategies from Loog's past battles and learning more about Loog (who's pretty mysterious).

Sylvain is impressed with how smart Ashe is.

He's also jealous that Dimitri gets a knight like Ashe and offers to "steal" Ashe, but he shoots that down saying "only Dimitri." That just makes out of AG Ashe hurt worse.

Oh! Dimitri offered for Ashe to take over the land Lonato used to rule rather than always be a knight. Ashe likes that.

Ashe fawns over Sylvain's intelligence too.

I love seeing this mentor, teacher, more mature Sylvain.

ANNETTE & MERCEDES A SUPPORT

It's their only support, but at least it's A!

Since they're both nervous about the battle, they decide to chat.

Awww, I love that we're getting some details about their time at the sorcery school together. Apparently they'd chat together till dawn.

They talk about how they've stuck together through everything. Which makes outside SB Mercedes depressing.

Haha, Annette saved Mercedes from a bandit trap, but was in such a panic that SHE fell into the trap and needed Mercedes to heal her lol.

"Everything's better with you." Annette to Mercedes.

They plan to make lists of things they want to do after the war and then will do them once it ends. (if they had this discussion and then Mercedes defects, that hurts)

That was so wholesome.

MERCEDES & INGRID A SUPPORT

Ingrid is kicking ass in training, so Mercedes brings snacks to reenergize everyone.

Oh course, it tastes amazing, because it's Mercedes.

Ingrid wishes they were as relaxed around her as Mercedes, but Mercedes says that Ingrid is kind to them in a different way (mother Mercedes is here again!)

Mercedes bring up Ingrid's brothers and how it's probably like that.

Hahaha, Ingrid says she's going to show Mercedes her affection. And Mercedes is like "where is this going?!" Poor girl probably got excited lol.

You know what I also just realized? With Dimitri in charge, Ingrid doesn't feel pressured to marry. She's just a knight and living her best life and I love that for her (and we stan a king who stans women)

DIMITRI & BERNADETTA B SUPPORT

Is it petty that I feel a bit smug about Dimitri getting an Empire support but Edelgard didn't get a Kingdom one? lol

She's sneaking about and Dimitri finds her and she freaks out. So typical Bernie support lol. Poor thing trips over crates.

OMG. Bernie is like "this is the worst" and Dimitri naturally assumes HE's the worst lamo. OMG, Dimitri, baby, no. Thankfully she clears that up.

I kinda wondered why these two got a support and it actually makes a lot of sense. Dimitri doesn't sleep and Bernie sneaks out at night, so yeah they'd run into each other.

Dimitri's not offended because her being from the Empire means she's afraid of the Kingdom's king. Fair.

Bernie thinks he's going to execute her and he calls her a valuable ally instead. That's a bit sweet, not going to lie.

Dimitri then swears by his father's name, and Bernie's like "ok, I'll tell you." It's pretty funny how sincere they both are in very different ways.

Bernie exhausts Dimitri lol.

SYLVAIN & YURI C SUPPORT

Starts with the classic "..."

They're talking about Miklain. Yuri's like the rumors about his violence seem exaggerated. Sylvain's like "naw." You have no idea how much I love that Sylvain is like captain of the "stop making excuses for Miklain club"

Yuri makes it sound like Dimitri preyed on Miklain's inferiority complex to recruit him (saying uncrested people could get a chance to prove themselves).

Sylvain's impressed with Yuri's cunning.

Man, Yuri thinks Sylvain is just waiting to kill him for some reason and has a murderous smile. But this impresses Yuri. Sylvain is like "mixed messages, dude."

SYLVAIN & INGRID A SUPPORT

Ingrid's overwhelmed by noble work, which makes her appreciate Sylvain, Felix, and Dimitri more.

Sylvain responds by . . . asking her out (well, to dinner)

Sylvain said that they're "basically family" and said Felix and Dimitri feel the same way 😭😭😭😭 I can't.

Sylvain says we appreciate the things that stay the same because we can't stay in the past (or shouldn't) which is actually kinda deep for an FE support convo at least

Of course it devolves into Ingrid and Sylvain bickering about him gawking at her eating lol

Hearing them talking about how much they love their friendships and how they'll always be dear to each other makes recruiting any of trio to CF just criminal. I personally find it way more cruel to recruit them away from their homes and families than to kill them (i.e. the true way to play CF in "evil mode" is to recruit most of the Blue Lions and I will stand by that)

SYLVAIN & SHEZ A SUPPORT

Sylvain feels bad that they dragged Shez into the war, and that they only reason they're even fighting it is to keep their homes from getting destroyed.

"If we fail, we'll lose everything. Our houses, our families, the places we grew up." - see this is why recruiting them to CF is actually the evil thing to do. Then they gotta deal with that guilt.

Shez, of course, has nothing at stake unlike the Faerghus people

Poor Shez doesn't know what it's like to have a home.

I had Shez deny that it's just money she's in it for. And then calls Faerghus her home. 😭😭😭😭

Sylvain is inventing weapons. We stan a genius.

This support was seriously so sweet. It made my soft spot for both characters even bigger.

DEDUE & CATHERINE C SUPPORT

I have no idea what these two will have to talk about, but I'm still excited to see it. Maybe Dedue will try to recruit her back.

Dedue is suspicious of her because she shows up to a city where only people of Duscur are living. It's sad that he's got to be that way, but I'm excited if this support gives us more Duscur crumbs.

Neither Rhea nor Dimitri let him know what she's doing there lol, she's just helping after a big fire.

Catherine points out that the church is always helping people out, plus they feel a debt to Faerghus for giving them a home after Edelgard did her usual.

Apparently Rhea "jumped" at the chance to help. No one in the church cares that the people of Duscur don't worship the same religion, they just want to help/pay their debt.

SHEZ & INGRID A SUPPORT

I feel like I unlocked a million supports, but I'm not mad about it

Dedue put Shez on ingredient shopping duty.

Ingrid is flustered getting spotted by Shez in the market though. She looks like a deer in the headlights lol.

She's fangirling over the market since it's more lively and prosperous than Galatea.

Shez asks Ingrid to go on a shopping/eating date, but Ingrid feels she shouldn't be meandering markets as a future count.

Ingrid wants to help and protect Dimitri so bad as a knight. She also brings up her farming endings too.

I had Shez offer to help Ingrid out. She even offers to be Ingrid's personal mercenary. It's kinda cute.

Shez got Ingrid to blush a bit too. Happy Ingrid is a good Ingrid (and Shez too)

DIMITRI & INGRID B SUPPORT

It's sad that they only go to B, especially since we know how badly Ingrid want to be his knight (and has a crush on him, but like, girl, I get it, no one is immune to Dimitri)

Dimitri was planning with Duscur forces - how to use their unique fighting styles and avoid in-fighting with regular Faerghus forces

Dimitri asks her about Duscur, but Ingrid's moved on, and understands that it wasn't just Duscur.

She feels ashamed for putting it all on Duscur, and is not afraid to interact with them.

Dimitri of course blames himself for not insisting harder to Ingrid, but they were both dealing with shit. Dimitri's still upset with himself for not having the right priorities.

But like, Dimitri, even Ingrid herself says they weren't allowed to see each other (fuck Rufus).

Ingrid said she wouldn't have even listened to him. But like Dimitri just wanted to blame someone, so did Ingrid. Which, never really thought about how they dealt with it in a similar way before.

Dimitri takes her to a Duscur run Inn so help bridge the gap. She thinks she can do it with Dimitri there to help her out.

The character growth. Man, this is another missing discussion from AM that AG blessed us with. I swear AG doesn't have a single bad or boring or unnecessary or repeat support (no I'm not biased, why did you ask?)

INGRID & FELIX A SUPPORT

Felix is handing out compliments. Sound the alarm.

Aww, Ingrid has a rough battle, and Felix is worried about her.

Ingrid had Glenn's spur with her. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 She says that helped her through the battle 😭😭😭😭.

Felix is obviously confused and worried that Ingrid is relying too much on remembering the dead, but Ingrid argues it can be a strength too. And Felix . . . AGREES.

GUYS 😭😭😭😭 Felix is growing up. 😭😭😭😭 He's understanding that his views aren't the only ways to exist. 😭😭😭😭

He tells her to visit Glenn 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 OMG, guys, he's encouraging her to keep using Glenn's memory as a source of strength and hoping she'll visit his grave and give him flowers.

Guys, he's not only understanding and accepting that people feel differently, he's ENCOURAGING them to continue using that opposite way because it works for them. Guys, he needs a cookie or something.

Ingrid is just that powerful.

Ingrid wants Felix and Dimitri - Rodrigue, Sylvain, and Gustave - and everyone to come visit and just have a festive time near his gravestone. Haha, Felix gives in too.

SHEZ & DEDUE A SUPPORT

Dedue commanding soldiers. We love to see it.

The people of Faerghus are warming up to Dedue 😭😭😭😭, the wounds of the past are healing (the soldier's mom died in Duscur)

GUYS. DEDUE ARGUED BACK. The soldier gave Dedue shit, and Dedue stood up for himself. OMG. He gets a cookie too!

Both Felix and Dedue showing real growth back-to-back supports, I can't . . . 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Shez called Dedue her friend. 😭😭😭😭 Says that's why she's happy for him, because they're friends. 😭😭😭😭

Shez is determined to prove herself. Dedue says she doesn't have prove herself, that he trusts her.

Shez asks if Dedue really does despite her powers. Dedue doesn't deny that he's concerned about the powers, but it doesn't define Shez.

Haha, Dedue still adds in that if Shez ever did turn on Dimitri, he'd cut her down. Which, yeah, that tracks, which Shez agrees.

DEDUE/INGRID/FELIX PARALOGUE

3 of my favorites in one paralogue about the tragedy of Duscur. Yes please (they're also fully leveled up so I'm not broke!)

Everyone is down in the dumps because they're near where the attack took place. Probably a bit awkward with that trio.

Guys, we're in Duscur, it's exciting.

Aww, Dedue is telling Ingrid she doesn't have to fake being happy while their (because he knows about Glenn).

They're fighting Duscur :( having to put down a rebellion. Not everyone wants peace with Dimitri.

Dimitri keeps coming back in attempt to continue to make peace.

Oh, so the leader of the insurrection lead the group who killed Lambert and Glenn. This is intense.

They aren't allowed to kill him because they need information, but Ingrid wants to kill him, but won't.

Haha, that's why they didn't take Dimitri, well why he didn't go. Dimitri trusted them to handle it.

Felix said king, not boar everyone.

I can't wait to see the end of this paralogue.

Oh, we're rescuing Duscur soldiers? Glad Ingrid is a pegasus knight. She can zip around fast.

We're not killing, just subduing.

Ingrid requested this assignment to help her move on from the past.

Ingrid and Dedue put their faith in Dimitri to figure out the motivation.

Dedue wants to stop by a childhood spot that got trampled and he's wanting to see if it recovered. Ingrid asks to join him and he does. Shez also wants to come. Felix accepts grudgingly lol.

Ingrid has shown such growth in this game. I love it so much.

It's recovered 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 Dedue used to come there with his sister.

Dedue invites Ingrid to come back and keep checking on the field. Felix is just hanging back though. Typical Felix.

Felix says he's focusing on his duty to protect the same things Glenn did and Shez can say the lands or . . . well you know who and you KNOW which one I have to pick.

Felix says protecting Dimitri is the same as protecting Faerghus, and makes Shez swear not to tell Dimitri (well the boar but you know). I had Shez tease Felix big time by claiming she was going to run around and telling everyone lamo.

The Dimilix is real in this game.

MAIN MAP

So the Empire's going full scorched earth tactics.

Annnnd of course Dimitri's blaming himself for other's actions. He's getting all worked up too.

Oh, geeze, they killed all the citizens too. Shez says the Empire was always rough, but not this bad.

I still can't get over the fact they wrote themselves into a corner with Edelgard - either team up with TWSITD again or Dimitri and Rhea, so instead they just zapped her lamo.

Oh, that's cool, the map battle zone flipped spaces because the Western Church attacked.

Arval hoping to strike down TWSITD is rich since you know he's (she's, they're?) connected.

Poor Shez is worrying about her power again. I swear she's much better integrated in AG, then SB, and GW it's like why is Shez even there? They have no plotline.

I think my Dimitri is too strong guys. He just. Kills everything.

Myson escaped. Ohhh, now he's confronting Shez. And asking about Avral I'm assuming.

Arval makes a good point, that the power Shez has keeps saving lives. And brings up Dimitri's point that power isn't evil or good, it's how it's used.

Ashen Demon brought back up again. Arval really wants us to kill Byleth, hunh. Except this time I'm determined to recruit Byleth.

I wonder if Arval will eventually turn on us, esp once I don't kill Byleth. Because he really wants us to kill Byleth.

Rodrigue is back! My beloved.

Oh, hi Claude. Not sure where he stands with me right now. I vastly prefer the Claude who has two braincells.

Judith being alive again is good though.

I do like hearing about how Claude and Dimitri are making plans together to trick the Empire.

So our goal is to retake the Monastery. Makes sense.

xxxxx

[glitchyred]

Hellooo, just a random thought here. Been listening to immortals and started connecting the vibe such gave me to pokepasta bcs yeah.

(fear yet crave to have something from a timeless memory and it hurts and we live forever in an abstract sense of nothingness that's filled once we remember again -lyrics towards the curtains part-, uneven repetition of the string of lone crashes upon us that form a haunting void only so close to what was once wishes to become a source of peace at their painful remains, until it's gone after all fades while everything else becomes part of the parallel world we were in before the old lullaby arrived to reclaim the cries for their choir, the peaceful fright from their leave clinging to ourselves consciousness.)

(idk, music I'd feel so deep while on the balcony in the middle of the night staring at the dark sky while alone with ringing in my brain from the lack of enough noise after some stupid shit and remembering similar things that led to similar scenarios to retroactively feed the burn in heart and throat, but it's cold outside lol so then I'm a microwaved-whatever-halfdefrosted that wants to howl out to the moon and fly towards the clouds with the high wind until myself extinguished at the point near ashes so I'd keep flying around far away even if tied to the burns lol.)

Being immortal sounds awful af in these pastas' situations tbh, yet sounds comforting in a twisted manner that I have no idea how to explain (maybe merely the soothing singing and nostalgia getting to brain, like a take on 'we suffer and it sucks but I'm addicted¿ to the fact we even share such thingso I won't stop either of us meanwhile' from a perspective, unhealthy coping bs )

What do you think? Some scenario/emotion of a pasta evoked by the song?

(Not focusing by the "romantic" aspect of the lyrics but imma take them as not directed to a person, rather a wish to keep experiencing something -but not for long🎵- heh, couldn't let go of in spite of result.)

LMAO DW ABT RAMBLING I say my inbox is always open for a reason. I haven't thought about this song in foreverrrrr but I get what you mean I think

It is a strongly reoccurring theme in Pokepastas that the characters are "trapped" in a specific time, by virtue of being games one is meant to replay over and over, either incidentally implying immortality or thru a more nuanced Infinite Looping Afterlife (LS). I have a lot to say about Pokepastas and their reflections of Childhood Trauma in that regard, but I'll save the essay and just say read Glitchy Red Retold /silly

That being said, call me an optimist, but immortality gets more of a bad rep this days than I think is necessary. I'm a firm believer of life having cycles, every low point necessitates a high one, which I think comes through in a couple of my projects. A Reason to Live as a short one, which subverts the usual "endless looping suffering" trope by implying that Amanita was reborn without their memories, and Semicolon as a whole having strong themes of immortality both through memory and literally (via Slenderman refusing to let people die). You are only stuck in suffering as long as you allow yourself to be, I think (purely neutral statement; I know there's usually some morality tied into that line of thought but I think it's way more nuanced than that lol), so breaking these characters out of their Loops and making them realize that unending time means limitless time to move forward is. Cathartic, I think. After what the contents of most pokepastas are like lol

Hopefully that all made sense?? I'm also kinda rambling lol. Thanks for the asks!!

[pjtarts]

Yoooo wassup, got that artist vibe ya know with the whole not posting for awhile, life ya know.

Anyways, PSA I guess

So, while my time away, I enrolled into college and getting a degree. At that time I was healing my past trauma, still am, and it made me reflect on things.

Remember My Little Pony? That adorable cute pony show around 2010s? Yeah I’m sure as an old Gen Z, we remembered we loved watching that show as a kid. And to the ones who have, awesome. But we all know the dark side of fandoms in general, the loudest are often the ones who are cringe and outright, disgusting.

I’m sure there were a lot who traumatized by the dark side of mlp. I was one of those traumatized kids. I never realized how sick and twisted that side has affected me and it left me a huge scar. I really hate the term brony and I hate how the fact these sick grown people ruined a little kids show. (I know it’s still going on, it’s MLP that’s popular)

I was groomed by grown people and was exposed to explicit, sexually content. It truly messed with my brain and mental health. It also made me view the world differently.

So, why am I talking about this?

Well, I wanted to say…

FUCK THEM CREEPS AND ASSHOLES WHO RUIN KIDS SHOWS, OR ANY KIDS CONTENT

I am reclaiming my childhood and actually enjoying the show, letting my inner child heal and letting her watch the show in peace.

I am taking back the control I lost as a kid and I’m not letting ANYONE take it away.

Of course not all of the fandom were sick. I actually gained inspiration to begin drawing because of cool artist who drew MLP. Hell I even met good people within the fandom. You don’t have to be in the fandom to like the show of course. My creativity flourished because of the fandom and franchise.

It just sucks that part of the fandom is ridiculed by sick and twisted people. There is a line between making jokes that adult’s understand, to sick and twisted dark exposure to be edgy. I hate the fact that certain things and jokes makes me triggered and sick because of that exposure.

So the peeps who are in the same boat, please know it was not your fault, it was NEVER your fault. Don’t let those assholes ruin your childhood. You didn’t know any better and honestly I am so sorry you had to go through that. I wished someone have told me this when I was a kid.

Kids show should be left alone and just be for kids. And there’s nothing wrong rewatching the show to heal.

Don’t be afraid, you are strong to take back control.

[thecpdiary]

The Weight of the Past: Hidden Truths and Trauma

Is anyone really free of trauma? After decades of being kept in the dark, it's still too much to process. The weight of not knowing about something I didn't know I had, the hidden truths, the non-trust, the silence – no discussions, continue to make things difficult. Acknowledging the facts is the first step towards my understanding – the healing element will take time.

Trauma and Neglect don't just disappear

Anyone reading my blog, will know that wounds from trauma and neglect don’t just disappear. The trauma and neglect process can be overwhelming. It doesn’t mean forgetting or pretending trauma didn’t happen, but rather finding ways to reclaim your sense of self. Acceptance is important because without acceptance, healing may never happen. Acceptance means coming to terms with the fact that what happened, happened. That's often more important than closure, because without acceptance there is no closure.  The following steps can help:  Acknowledge and Grieve   I have never been able to grieve for what was taken from me, because I was totally unaware of what my reality was. Looking back, it's about a disability I didn't know about, the emotional and mental support I needed but didn't receive and the years spent in the dark around a diagnosis that was known, but not known to me – and having to navigate the dishonesty, and the non-trust. It's difficult to get past the non-trust, the anger, disbelief and numbness, they're all part of the trauma and neglect process.  Find Your Truth  The theme to relationships is trust, for many, not in a way that is positive. I wasn't “broken” or “wrong” in thinking what I thought – I was dealing with something real that wasn’t being acknowledged, spoken about, but known. Understanding now and writing about my condition helps me to place and to piece that side of my life together – and how it has shaped me. BUT having things kept from you on what you deal with breeds distrust, dishonesty, and a violation of your personal rights. I am on a lone journey, around my disability I have always been misunderstood.  Redefine 'You' For years, I was shaped by my experiences. I am who I am outside of what happened to me. Redefine You. My writing defines me – it brings a quiet confidence that I am slowly placing my experiences in a way that is finally right for me. It's an achievement, it brings me peace. I talk without the guilt because it's not my guilt to carry.  Set Boundaries and Let Go of Toxic Guilt   So, setting boundaries is important. If those who hurt you are still in your life, setting boundaries is even more important, crucial – even if that means limiting contact or walking away completely. If they continue to hurt you, it's time to make your choice. You matter and what happened to you matters. Toxic is toxic in any language. It can't get better until you make yourself better.  Rebuild Yourself and at Your Own Pace   Healing doesn't continually move forward. Some days can feel lighter, and others can feel heavy. Be patient with yourself. It’s completely natural and understandable to feel angry, unsure of how to build trust – rid yourself of their guilt. There’s still space for healing and growth – and The CP Diary can help. If you have experienced trauma or neglect, if you want to talk, have a conversation, my blog is here to help. You are not alone.

For more relatable, inspirational and lifestyle blogs, please check out my site https://www.thecpdiary.com

[lakshmisreenivasan1]

Heal, Grow, and Thrive with Trauma-Focused Therapy 🌿

Begin your journey to recovery and empowerment Empathy is the foundation of transformative healing. In my trauma-focused therapy, I create a safe, non-judgmental space where your story matters, your emotions are honored, and healing is not just a possibility—it’s a reality. This therapeutic approach goes beyond addressing past pain; it’s about reclaiming your life, building resilience, and moving forward with renewed purpose and peace.

A Compassionate, Evidence-Based Healing Approach

My therapy integrates proven, personalized models to support your unique path to recovery:

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Challenge and transform negative thought patterns for healthier emotional responses.

Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT): Address irrational beliefs that perpetuate emotional distress.

Client-Centered Therapy: Focus on personal growth through empathy, acceptance, and understanding.

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT): Develop essential skills for emotional regulation and improving interpersonal relationships.

Expertise in Overcoming Emotional & Psychological Challenges

I specialize in helping individuals navigate and heal from a wide range of challenges, including:

Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD

Grief, Trauma, and Abuse

OCD, Phobias, and Chronic Stress

No matter your journey, I offer personalized strategies to help you regain control, stability, and a sense of hope.

The Power of Trauma-Focused Therapy

Trauma-focused therapy empowers you with the insights and tools to:

Understand Your Experiences: Gain clarity on how trauma influences your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Feel Heard Without Judgment: Share your story in a safe and compassionate space.

Restore Safety & Coping Skills: Rebuild your sense of security and adopt healthier emotional regulation strategies.

Find Purpose & Empowerment: Reclaim meaning and direction in life after trauma.

Reduce Traumatic Stress Symptoms: Manage anxiety, depression, and intrusive flashbacks, reducing their impact on your daily life.

A Personalized Path Toward Healing

Healing is a personal journey, and I am committed to walking alongside you every step of the way. Whether you’re navigating a single traumatic event or the weight of long-term experiences, trauma-focused therapy offers a transformative path toward resilience and renewal.

You deserve peace. You deserve healing. You deserve to reclaim your life.

Reach out today to begin your journey toward growth and empowerment. Together, let’s build a future where you thrive. 🌱

This version emphasizes empathy, the power of trauma-focused therapy, and the personalized support offered to individuals as they embark on their healing journey. Let me know if you would like any further revisions!

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

agoraphobia

it's interesting how quickly you can change from yourself

I've always known myself to be adventurous

as long as I have a car and some music I can go anywhere

and never have to leave my normal plane of exisitence

I think there's something about the energy moving

with the wind and the windows down and me just

screaming out whatever I feel into the playful air

my hair everywhere and one arm out like I'm flying

one on the wheel because I'm a responsible adult

that despite my friendly melancholy do love to live

I think I forgot to for awhile and didn't mind being

some sort of ghost of myself chained to the responsilbites

and duties I willing chose to take and make the most with

the resources began to slip away and I adapted until

I become a silhouette of slowly learned helplessness

it didn't matter what I did or how I tried to overcome

everything just kept crumbling beneath me

and when I struggled everyone joined the chorus

of how it was my fault if I reached out so I stopped

and made the best of what I could do with what I had

until I didn't even want to leave my house or face any

kind of reality that I couldn't control or balance

and outside in that crazy would it's difficult to do that

the more stressed I become the more rigid I become

everything feels like it has jagged edges and thorns

especially my memories so let's just find a place

to hide for awhile and find a way to self soothe

ignore the world closing in around me and find

something to do to get through the feelings

releasing trauma is understanding the experience consciously

and walking slowly through it while feeling the hysteria

of the past and understanding you're still in the present

it's a wild sort of energy and I could never say I like it

today there must have been too many transitions

there wasn't conflict but there were every day things

that had attachments that kept piling up

until all at once I couldn't grasp my thoughts

or understand where I was and nothing worked to ground me

I was a fluttering of all my wings and anxieites

trapped, helpless, and so embarrassed about it

to the point where my nausea felt like a friend

after going through the usual self-soothing

and nothing working I felt the panic begin to rise

but there was a touchstone space that I was able

to run my fingertips over for the briefest glimpse of clarity

and I knew a full system reboot was the only solution

my nervous system was completely hijacked

and all I'd be able to do to reclaim it was sleep

afterward I decided to take my youngest to temple

and meet the white stone likeness of Kuan Yin

I told him a story about her and he liked the lotus flower

she happened to be standing on and we both noticed

someone had placed a red flower in between her toes

it was nice to share that with my son though I guess

I'd kind of fallen from any kind of tangible sacredness

it was more a practice for myself because I never wanted

to force any kind of worship for anything on my children

but it is nice to introduce them to something divine

once in awhile that's carved out of beauty

normally I'd wake up and maybe not leave

or go somewhere in the forest or a park where

the energy was just nature and calm and normal

but changing up my routine and getting out of

this environment really did help quite a bit

we walked around the artsy little town

and found a little park next to water fountains

and so many flocks of Canadian geese

I've been doing a lot of roaming and wandering lately

exploring and letting myself just fucking think openly

about whatever I saw or resonated with in observation

it reminds me how far I've come from where I was

last year when everything just felt like a slow decent

into an underworld I thought I'd already survived

I think I've done a pretty good job facing the evil eye

and left so many layers at each of the seven gates

touching that statue with my receiving hand

gave me a sense of peace that I didn't expect

like an embrace of a friend I've known for so long

I'm glad my impulses are not more about change

than avoiding or escaping the things that I feel

it's important to me to feel safe in my body

and it's a relatively new experience for me

but that sense of foundation is only strengthening

I trust myself again and even feel quite a bit of upset

when the perspective of another tries to shove itself

down my my own energy and say it's more real

I've been given opportunities and experiences

and I could have chosen to do the same things

but I mostly chose instead to grow and evolve

some of it has been fun but most of it hasn't

the universe works for you if you let it

life moves through you in beautiful ways

if you open up and embrace its uncertainty

it's all just a practice of acceptance and self unity

which sounds a lot easier than the process they say

to trust even though that particular platitude

is really fucking frustrating even if it's true

my peace was hard won today and that makes it

a little more valuable to me I think in this moment

my fear of everything is slowly fading

and divine timing is not quite the crptic and

trickster timeline that I once believed that it was

[marshmallowprotection]

So I've been thinking of asking you for a match-up for a while now, but I never got the nerve 😭 I am really curious what characters you'd pick for me though. Idk if you do boto romantic and platonic in one ask, or only one or the other, I'm curious about both, but if you only do one, then I'd go for romantic, first!

I'm aroace, but in fiction/daydream land it's different, so for imagine purposes, I'd say pan? 🤔 Yeah, I think that works(???) 😭 sexuality is weird, man.

I tend to feel really strongly, for better or worse, but it's what makes me strongly invested in anything I care about. Stories, or people, too. I can't stand knowing someone I care about is struggling. I like that I feel a lot and care a lot, but it does tend to make me stretch myself too thin, and tunnel vision a lot at times 😞

I like reading, and writing, and taking pictures of flowers. Too much coffee and too little sleep, though I'm working on that second part for now. Or trying to 😔

Though what I love the most is music, both listening and singing. It's the one thing that always brought me both joy and excitement and peace and love and satisfaction. It's hard to describe, but sometimes you just know this one thing is right for you, you know? It clicks into place, like a piece of yourself. That's music, for me.

What fewer people might guess about me, considering how hard it is to leave home most days, is I do actually love different sports—not as an organized contest or whatever, but the physical sensation of doing them. Even though I have a hard time getting out of the house, and about, and don't do them much anymore, I used to love doing any physical activity I could, as a kid, and still do on the rare occasion. I miss it, sometimes.

Swimming's always been my favorite, though. The weightless feeling of floating, and turning, and moving in that way that's completely foreign to being in dry land, almost like you're flying. Love the sea most of all, but I'll swim anywhere I have the chance, honestly.

I miss a lot of stuff, tbh. Trying to slowly let myself remember and do things I enjoy again, at least, even if it's hard some days.

Idk. I kinda started rambling but I'm not sure what things are useful for a match-up 😭😔 don't wanna trauma dump too much in here either, though I'm pretty sure you have me pegged by now, even though I'm anon, so I'm not too worried 😅 still thought it would be interesting to see who you'd match me up with, with what you know.

I (romantically) match you with...

SE Saeran.

I say him because it feels like the two of you need to learn how to make sense of life together after you've gone through something difficult. It's not always easy to figure out how to live again, but it's a little bit easier when you're with somebody you care about.

Saeran doesn’t know how to live, much less how to figure it out. So, he might not feel like he's helping you, but that's where he's wrong about that. If you're trying to reclaim everything you feel like you lost to depression, picking it up for the first time and showing him how to do it might just rejuvenate that spark. When you see his eyes light up for the first time, it might take you back to what it felt like for you. 

That's the beautiful thing about a relationship with him, you learn how to appreciate the little things all over again. Saeran knows what it feels like to suffer, and maybe you need someone who won’t mince words with you when you say it sucks and you wish things had been different. You might just need a partner who's willing to tell you like it is, but still pull you out of the darkness just as you do for him. 

I (platonically) match you with...

Jumin.

When you are somebody who values communication with another person deep within your heart, this is the man for you. If what you look for in a friendship is someone who can talk to you about anything and everything even if they don't know what you're talking about, Jumin is the friend you need. He wants to understand other people, he wants to know what makes other people tick, and if you present something to him that he's never heard of before, he wants to know why you're passionate about it.

He has hobbies like that that he never gets the chance to talk about and you could be the first friend to push his buttons to talk about magic. 

He will listen for hours and nothing will get in his way, and it must be the same for you if you share similar values. To have him listen to you is a gift because he's that friend who never forgets what you brought up. If you do the same for him, that's one way to make him smile. Validation like that is hard to come by and he's certainly not going to turn it down. 

[not-that-blog]

I can't sleep.

Partly bc I had an allergic reaction to something last night and feel a little nauseous still.

But mostly bc my partner has a beautiful face and looks really sweet and cuddly on facetime and I am super sappy and excited because I get to see him tonight and be his again. And I ~need~ that. Like genuinely am going to cling to him because it's been a week and last night involved some feelings that distance makes harder.

So I'm just blogging and thinking and I am really really happy to be his soon. Just melting into his arms and letting everything fade away.

And you know what I don't blog about elsewhere that I love? I'm reclaiming my body and my sexual side after all the fucked up shit from Dakoda and Natalie.

Because I trust my partner completely, because I know him and he's wonderful and gentle and soft with me.

And we've started exploring things that I never thought I'd be comfortable going near again.

And not because he wanted to or he asked or pushed; but because I felt safe enough with him to think about it, joke about it, kink blog about it and then when he said 'I'm in' and we researched a little and talked about it and flirted and slowly started trying some things.

And I felt safe, I tapped out well before I needed to so we knew that I was being mentally and physically safe, he instantly checked in making sure there was no trauma, no pain, no stress or anxiety, if I needed anything, if I wanted anything. He listened and checked in and really took care of me.

And I was safe, like completely safe.

And I feel like I could marry this man not because ~I'm in love~ (I am, but in a peaceful way not a heart racing excitement kinda way) but because this man is dedicated and committed, with full compassion and trust, he is everything that I could ever want and more.

You know the 'love is patient, love is kind, etc' and how you should be able to say your partner's name and have it fit? He does. All of them.

And then afterwards; he still has more things about him that I admire and love and think would make him a fucking incredible husband and father.

This man is my hype man, he is my biggest cheerleader, sometimes more than my best friends.

He is the definition of unconditional love and support. Because we have strong boundaries and respect and know each other's limits and agree if it ever got to breaking certain ones we walk away... but that's such a big part of unconditional love and respect and support; acknowledging the limitations and challenges that might be there and going 'okay. I love you.'

He loves me in a way that I think is the most beautiful thing in the world.

He loves me in the way that I want my children to be loved.

And that, that is the thing that makes the world of difference.

[khrysalisposting]

okay this is my first shot at worldbuilding so MAYBE i got it down?? idk

Khrysalis Post-Umbra/Slightly Pre-Selenopolis

Burrowers

Newly-established participatory constitutional monarchy (but also lowkey a stratocracy due to residual Umbra trauma)

Roundtable of 3 diplomats representing each demographic; constitution was made with a parliamentary vote between this roundtable’s members

Ex: 3 Burrowers from Last Wood, 3 Bumblers, 3 Mantis/Beetles/reformed Arachna from Sardonyx/Tyrian Gorge, and 2 Hoppers

Pyat Mourningsword still king (until Selenopolis)**

Dyvim Whitehart appointed to be a dual defense and security minister on top of being sworn sword and advisor (dictates military moves + checks inter-Spiral trade deliveries even more than pre-Karamelle. Friendly trade w/ Mirage, Avalon, Wizard City, Krokotopia, Mooshu, and post-Governor Novus. Shaky relations w/ Marleybone, Karamelle, Polaris, and Empyrea)

Bastion is central govt w/ main jurisdiction over Silent Market, Last Wood, Moon Cliffs, and Crescent Beach

Affirmative action-type policies enacted to include more Mantises in Burrower-majority government

(Former) Fort Rachias is an unclaimed and abandoned area by all groups

Mantises/Arachna

Centralized electoral oligarchy in Sardonyx

Nothing much changes, except for Troika council now being all-female

Zarozinia is on Troika council, whereas Zaltanna serves as the Sardonyx liaison to Bastion

Fifth Column ideology integrated into new Troika government

Reclaimed area formerly known as The Hive into a more rural part of Sardonyx

Not exactly on the friendliest terms with the Kondha Hoppers, brokering peace negotiations between them w/ Bastion

Also claims Tyrian Gorge across the sea (akin to how the US has Alaska), which serves as the Mantis city on the other side of the Starfall Sea

Still have fringe groups of Shadow Weavers/Umbra loyalists that try to disrupt/spread conspiracy theories surrounding the reformed governments of Khrysalis, occasionally use extreme means of violence to disrupt (Far-Umbra)

More open trade w/ Bastion-side of Khrysalis, trade routes open along the sea and ports established on Crescent Beach (with neutral DMZ-type zone between them being Ruined Alcazar/Radiance Reborn)

Hoppers

Tribal government residing in Kondha Desert

Integrated w/ Order of the Beasts and made peace with the barbarian mice

Saul the OneWhoKnows and Sonya JadeEye co-govern as tribal leaders

Edwin the ArchaneArchitect and Prester the BlazingWind serve as legislative council, along with other higher-ranking Mice from the Order

No true need for a judicial branch, that doubles in with Edwin and Prester’s roles

Still fighting for more representation in Bastion, imbalance of say in Burrower-centric government due to cultural differences and implicit bias

Also on shaky terms w/ Sardonyx government and Mantises due to residual issues from The Hive’s presence

Spiritual center includes the Solar Arc, reclaimed for both Hoppers and Mantises and used as neutral ground

ALSO!!! If I got something wrong on how tribal govts work pls let me know!! this is all based on some research but I'd love to correct things + get further insight

** = I do have some HCs on what happened to Pyat (death or incapacitation, shadow influences) that could influence this but this is just assuming everything pre-Selenopolis

might do some hypothetical arc 5 Khrysalis worldbuilding….hmm

[kurogabae]

Hey, I'm the anon asking for KuroFai fanfics! I'm SO happy you got married, really! It's a wonderful news to hear 🥺❤️ also, I'm sure you'll recover from covid really fast, don't worry! As for the rec, both SFW and NSFW fics are fine. Thank you again!

Thank you, that's very sweet. The wife and I are both recovering fairly well. Just a lingering cough and some fatigue left. I'm just glad no one had to go to the hospital.

Now! About those fics!

First off - I would read anything written by cloverfield, yououui, and @ellayuki (especially if you want a bite-sized fix). If they write it, I read it, and they all run the gambit of genre. Whatever your mood, you'll find something. Both Clover and Yououui have several lemon fics, but they are wonderful at tagging, so you'll never be caught off guard. I don't think Ella has an AO3 but I'll add it if I discover it. EDIT: Ella’s AO3 is right here, but you’ll still find most content on tumblr.

I'll put the rest of my list under a cut so this doesn't become run on.

SFW Fics

"Let the Stars Be" - Kurogane's family lands in a world with two moons. It's peaceful at first, until they stumble across a wreckage with a single crying child. Now they have to escort said child to where they were originally meant to be. {TWC era fic where the family has to help take care of a baby AU!Yue and I am a sucker for kid!fic of all kinds.}

"Upon this Linoleum Ground" - In Infinity, everything is hell. In Infinity, Sakura finds Kurogane crying in a bathroom. {Beware tags! This is a sad one but it's impossible for me to say no to Kurogane and Sakura trauma bonding and also I love it when a man cries. [Sarah is also a very talented author and I highly suggest her works.]}

"the art of scraping through" - Kurogane has a lot of scars. {EMOTIONS! Fai and Kurogane talk about scars and make out and have a lot of feelings. Everything stays T rated and the whole of it leaves you wanting more of everything in the best way.}

"Never Gonna Learn My Lesson" - Fai and Kurogane are not as smart as they think they are, and their attempts to pass a high school equivalency exam are probably going to make Syaoran throw himself out a window. {One of the funniest fics I've probably ever read tbh. Faren's a master and the amount of times I had to put this down to just laugh myself to tears is in the double digits. A little cracky so expect some slightly OOC moments but easily one of my faves.}

"Bloodflow" - Even without any traces of a vampire’s power inside of him, Fai still can’t help the thrum of his pulse when he smells Kurogane’s blood. A story about recovering and moving on. Set between TRC and TWC. {SFW vampire kink? SFW vampire kink.}

"Timeless" - Once upon a time there was a child of misfortune and a broken mirror…and a day when snow fell in spring… {A "Snow Queen" AU done absolutely artfully. Beautiful read, especially if you enjoy having the whole family along for the ride.}

"Settling Suwa" - After all is said and done, and the children can finally settle into their own lives, Kurogane takes Fai with him to reclaim his homeland in Nihon. {Re! Settling! Suwa! Fic! What more do I need to say?}

Lemon Fics

**Please be sure to read all tags on each fic to make sure it's right for you**

"Bite the Bullet" - “Kuro-Daddy got hurt! And if there’s one thing Mokona knows --though Mokona knows many things, Mokona is so clever and wonderful-- it’s that when Daddy gets hurt, Mummy gets even.” {Yes I've already recced Clover's fics but this was written for me and I read it... a lot so like. Obviously it gets a special place.}

"Swapped" - Kurogane, Fai, Mokona, and Syaoran land in a world with their souls in the wrong bodies. When they find that accessing their magic is harder than they thought, it takes some creative thinking to move them on to the next world. {WARNING! This one can be heavy. I love a body swap fic, I love trans!Kuro, but this does touch on body dysphoria and the like. Heed the tags. It's a great read if the tags/warnings don't bother you though.}

"that's the kind of love" - “What did you dream about?” Fai asks directly, his voice low and dangerous. Kurogane watches his lips form the words, with barely focused eyes; he can taste the liquor on his breath, and he thinks he might get drunk on that alone. Kurogane lifts his gaze purposefully back up to meet Fai’s. “You,” he whispers. {Almost 15k of emotions and RST and I LOVE IT! As the patron saint of bottom!Kurogane I'm so delighted to see the movement catch on.}

"Starving" - The return of his eye should have taken this curse away, so why does he still feel the same, burning thirst?

He knows Kurogane would submit to his fangs again, but maybe there's no reason to tell him. If he can find a way to remove his condition on his own, no one need be the wiser.

(In which Kurogane fights to convince Fai that vampirism suits him just fine.) {I'm a slut for vampire kink. Sue me.}

"PWP- Shoal Sex" - PWP AU where Fai has tentacles and Kurogane enjoys Fai using them on him. {If you've been following me for any amount of time you'll know exactly how much I like tentacles.}

"This is His Body (This is His Love)" - Little by little, Fai’s once bony frame has filled out with lean muscle and soft edges. King Ashura once told Fai that he drinks more than he eats, and that’s no longer true. Fai has a future to live for. So, it follows that the change in his soul has taken root in the body he now cares for. When Kurogane touches Fai’s arm to grab his attention, he’s surprised (and perhaps a bit intrigued) by how firm the bicep beneath his palm has become. {Tag Warning! The eating disorder talk isn't overly explicit, but some people can find it upsetting for sure. This is, however, an overall feel good fic. A celebration of recovery and love and I found it so warm and sweet.}

--

That should be a good start for ya! Of course there's always the KuroFai Olympics archives. Or my personal bookmarks. Or my own fics even.

[dodo-begone]

The Monster Within

Pairing: Yandere!DSMP!Awesamedude x Reader

Request: hiya!! could i request some hcs for yan! sam ? 😳 you're ones for schlatt were really good and im a whore for yandere dsmp food

Word Count: 1K

Warning: Yandere, Trauma, Declining Mental Health

A/N: Sorry i made this into a fic. Forgive me asiofjasnd

There is a part 2 called He's Unleashed, my Cracker King.

If this ever looks wonky/glitched, i have this properly archived on Ao3

You had known Sam for a long time. Well, knew of him. You didn’t know him personally for quite a while. But his reputation precedes him, making him a well known person all across the smp, even without a lot of people talking to him. And when you did manage to meet him, it felt like something clicked between the two of you. And you guys did have a small little friendship going on, quite steadily in fact.

Then the prison project came up. Sam started to talk to you less and less. The relationship had been broken back to square one; you two were essentially strangers again.

There was practically no contact between the two of you, but there were times when he would seek you out. Those were supposedly when he was taking a small break. Sam’s little recesses from the prison were fantastic. The two of you enjoyed the time together; treasuring the moments until the peaceful and playful spell would dissipate and reality came to reclaim its hold on y’all.

The eggpire had been a problem for a while with their insistent methods of recruitments. Though their most recent tactic was extreme to the max, or the max that you could think of. They kidnapped Sam and locked him up with the egg and kept him in there so long to the point where he started mutilating himself just to stay alive.

Once Sam was rescued, there was talk about who would care for Sam. There weren’t many options. It was either the eggpire, which was a definite no, or Puffy. Leaving Puffy alone to care for Sam just seemed wrong. And it was an opportunity to be around Sam, so that was a plus.

It wasn’t long into his care that Sam was begging y’all to let him go. He was perfectly fine. He had to get to the prison. Somebody had to keep an eye on Dream. But you two elected to ignore Sam. After all, it was for his best interest. Nobody can take care of a prison on their own when they’re injured.

After a few tedious weeks of rest, you and Puffy deem Sam well enough to return to the prison. Now he seemed somewhat reluctant to leave. His internal struggle was very evident through his eyes; they switched from the exits to you and Puffy. Though he made the decision to return to his duties. It was honestly kinda hilarious how quickly Sam ran to the nether portal to get to Pandora’s Prison after such a long period of contemplation.

People started to visit Dream in his cell after Sam was back. Though what they said was concerning. They said Sam was acting odd, though they wouldn’t talk too much about it. Only stating that he’d seemed off, but that was to be expected. He was still recovering from the egg both physically and mentally.

Some of the things they talked about was how he seemed more “harsh”. “Apathetic” and “disconnected from reality” were some of the other descriptions. And he supposedly had done a horrible deed, something about cheating, and Ponk leaving him because of it. Like what the fuck, hold the phone. Ponk was leaving Sam? Sam was cheating on him as well? Since when?! What was going on here?!

Nobody knew what was happening to him mentally, though. They only had a slight idea on what could’ve been happening.

While in the prison, Dream started to taunt Sam. Again. It wasn’t an unusual activity for Dream. There aren’t many activities he could do in such a tiny cell and with so few items. He heckled Sam on the daily, maybe even hourly, probing around for a weakness of Sam’s. Something gave it away, because Dream started to mention you more. Saying how you’d be so disappointed in Sam’s treatment of Dream, that’d you’d see him as a monster if you only knew the things he was doing and never talk to him again, and other nasty things. Trying his best to get under Sam’s skin.

On top of that, he was slightly influenced by the egg. Sometimes it would whisper little words to him and other times it talks to him in his dreams. It always talked about you. How you weren’t safe with the others, that they were going to take you from him. If he gave himself to the egg, he could get anything and everything he wanted. And you were included.

He resisted the egg’s siren call. After all, the egg wouldn’t help at all. And he had to stay out of its control. Look at what it had done to Ant and Bad. It was for his sake that he didn’t listen. By his sake, he really meant for your sake. You were precious and fragile.

When you got news of Sam’s behavior, you immediately gave him a visit. The rumors were right; something about him felt very off, very wrong. But you couldn’t pinpoint what it was.

The sight of him was a relief, but at the same time it worried and saddened you. He looked somewhat defeated and very tired. His appearance showed that he wasn’t caring for himself and definitely overworking himself in his semi-vulnerable state.

You decided that Sam needed more human contact, especially other than Dream, and went to visit him more often. With each visit, he seemed to perk up a bit more, look a bit better.

Though every time you’d leave, he’d get a little pouty, asking if you actually had to leave. A chuckle would leave your lips. “Of course I do, silly. I have to go to sleep and you need to watch over Dream. I don’t want to distract you more than I already have”.

During one of your visits, Tommy accompanied you. He went to talk to Dream, to finally get over some of his trauma from Dream. And you went to have your regular talks with Sam.

It was very unfortunate that your conversation was cut off by the security breach. It was terrifying and peculiar. The prison was supposed to be very secure and inescapable. Whatever set the alarm off must be a force to be reckoned with.

Sam quickly ushers you into a cell “for your protection”. As he runs off, you pray to any deity that’ll listen for him to come out of the encounter unharmed. Completely unaware of what Sam held in store for you.

[katplanet]

What would be your ideal storyline for klaus in s4?

ahhhh this is a good question - i don’t wanna get too invested in any one prediction and disappoint myself, and also s3 was vastly better than any of the possibilities i had floating around in my head lmao BUT!! even if i don’t have a lot of specific events in mind, i know what emotional beats i’d like his story to hit, if that makes sense? like, from how i’ve read klaus’s arc so far, what would feel like the most cohesive ending to me

in my mind tua as a whole is about overcoming maladaptive coping mechanisms and reclaiming agency, but also it’s got bants and superpowers to keep it from just being agonizingly depressing all the time. every sibling has a different way of dealing with their shared trauma, and imo klaus is very much the avoidant one - he dulls the world, distracts himself, occasionally fucks off to the jungle for ten months and falls in love, Just Klaus Things. idk how much of this is in the text and how much is just me rotating it in my brain for three years, but i see klaus’s original dave side quest as a) a necessary grounding element for what is otherwise a difficult character to run a thread through, and b) whatever the opposite of a stress test is?? not that being in vietnam wasn’t stressful, obviously it was a nightmare, but it was a self-contained nightmare with no connection to the main plot or to klaus’s history. there was more than enough going on to completely consume klaus for the time he was there. he got to exist separately from his usual self for a while, as well as the circumstances that cultivated that version of him, and i think of dave as a symbol of that, i guess. good narrative shorthand for ‘klaus went off by himself and got to do some growing, and then it got taken away and he’s back where he started with extra bonus sadness’

klaus getting sober to contact dave’s ghost and making long-term plans to help dave in the 60s are both him trying to reclaim part of the peace that he found and lost. but because he’s back in the environment that shaped him (aka the main plotline lmao) it’s not working. which is a big part of why i didn’t mind the lack of dave in s3 - klaus has to find a way to bring his peace into his actual life, and to do that, he has to face his life instead of avoiding it. he spends the season looking for his mother, learning about his powers, trying to bring his family together to get things done - all much more active things than we’ve seen from him in the past, and very believable ways for him to start to take the reins a little bit, i think!! except he’s not actually taking the reins, reggie still has the reins and is letting klaus pretend to hold them like a toy steering wheel in a grownup car. klaus isn’t confronting the source of the trauma, he’s confronting the symptoms. and then reggie turns on him, and it’s a testament to how much klaus’s character has already changed over the series that luther was able to talk him out of reverting back to full avoidance mode again

so klaus, god, what. backburnered his problems for 30 years, completely skipped out on his problems for ten months, liked what he found there, got dragged back unwillingly, and tried to face his problems for the first time only to have that backfire spectacularly thanks to the same person who gave him the problems in the first place. he’s somewhere unfamiliar without his power, which was both the source of a lot of his trauma and the thing that let him avoid further trauma (ie losing ben forever) for as long as he did. absolutely insane character situation. i’m chewing on my bluetooth keyboard. when robert said he wants to see klaus lose it a little without his powers, this is the shit that flashed before my eyes - yes, it would technically make his day-to-day life easier to not worry about ghosts all the time, but also his power was his failsafe!! the thing that caused him so much pain, that he’s been running from his whole life, is also literally what kept him alive in the first place!! it took his childhood and gave him his brother back!!!! and now it’s gone, both the bad and the good that came from it, and all that’s left are some gnarly addictions and the vague memory of being happy for a while. literally don’t look at me. fuck

all of that being said, to me a satisfying end for klaus would be some sign that he’s at least on the path towards reconciling his self-contained escapist happiness with his actual non-escapist life. i think his relationship with sparrow ben is gonna be a big part of that, since og ben was arguably the ‘good’ part of klaus’s powers-centric bad coping strategy, or at least the part that he was occasionally getting something positive from. i do also want to see him get his powers back, because i feel like ‘the trauma is solved by making the source of the trauma go away’ is not that great of a bow to tie on a series about the lingering effects of trauma lmao. i think there’s also space for dave in s4 to reprise his role as ‘symbol of the time klaus was happy but only because he Won At Avoidance’ - that could either mean klaus getting meaningful closure for the relationship, or bringing dave into his future in a healthy way as shorthand for him finally metabolizing the growth he did in ten-month jungle emotional rehab and incorporating it into his life

that is so many paragraphs i’m sorry. that’s a fucking essay. tumblr is gonna readmore me whether i like it or not