#just ignore this i needed to vent

[lightspren]

brb time to have a breakdown about my knee

i just don’t even know which emotion to feel at this point. the x-ray was normal. i got the report. it was completely, 100% normal. and my doctors reaction to that was “call us if it gets worse.”

not “we should order more testing since you’re in pain.” no. call us if it gets worse. i’m already telling you that if i have to stand or walk more than 15 mins at a time that i have to wear a brace. but no. call if it gets worse.

and i probably do need to call and insist on an ultrasound. I really probably do. but i feel insane honest to god. i don’t want to pay hundreds of dollars to get an ultrasound that says i’m normal, that says there’s no reason for me to be in pain. because no test ever shows anything. they never!!! show!!! anything!!! every goddamn fucking test says i’m normal, or only mildly abnormal. it doesn’t explain *gestures at all of me*

and like. if i insist on the ultrasound, and it comes back normal, then i’m going to look the part of the hypochondriac. I’m going to come off as just looking for something wrong, because if the tests say there’s no reason for my pain, then Obviously it can’t be that bad and I just need to toughen up. obviously, right? and people who don’t live with this shit will probably think that sounds overly paranoid but i swear to god this is the mentality we have to fight against.

and i know i need to sleep right now. i know the “it’s after sunset your life isn’t actually falling apart” mandate should be in effect. but honestly these are the same emotions i’m having in the light of day, i just usually have enough self control to not harp on them.

i wish so badly i could be normal. that i didn’t have to worry about rationing my energy, that i didn’t have to worry about how much money is being flushed down the toilet for my copays and my tests and my meds. i wish i could be as active as my friends are, as carefree as others are wrt daily effects on health. i wish i could just have the confidence to follow the logical conclusion of “something is wrong, call the doctor” without worrying about trashing my image with him and therefore ruining chances of getting help if something worse comes up.

im very tired, and i just wish my knee would quit hurting.

[natsmagi]

honestly the more i hear about engstars and its TLs the more i absolutely dread the inevitable release of poltergeist and what may ensue from it, bc if if the translators themselves are already invalidating arashis identity then i Really Truly do not want to see how theyll translate natsume and tsumugis microaggressions/transphobia towards her. esp since ive noticed a rise in people being comfortably transphobic towards her, and i REALLY do not wish to see natsume and tsumugi being stupid fucking morons be used as evidence to discredit her

and i think this is all the more reason why its VERY IMPORTANT for engstars to DIRECTLY ACKNOWLEDGE arashi and her gender. bc sometimes characters are STUPID and RUDE and APATHETIC. enstars is a story with NUANCED and FLAWED CHARACTERS, and when a character is being a fucking asshole youre meant to PROVE THEM WRONG. but they dont even acknowledge arashi as a girl themselves. so, if you do use engstars, please keep pressuring them bc omfg this is so bad and i can only see it getting worse

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

the artblock be hitteth Harder than normal, for tis not normal artblock. woe. Wally be upon ye

[vonn13]

Neil should have absolute shit hearing from growing up the way he did. Gunshots without headphones? Repeated headtrauma in all likelihood? Hello??

[kerizaret]

In case you haven't noticed May has sucked for me so far, anyway *projects onto blorbo*

[moonchild-in-blue]

I think it's funny how most of us here went from Sad™ and Depressed™ as children/teens, only to end up ✨Sad and Depressed✨ adults.

Funny in the way that, we thought things would never get better, and they did. And funny in the way that they actually never DID get better - we just learned how to cope.

Except that we actually *didn't* learn how to cope, we just got used to it. Which really means, we didn't got used to it - we are just too tired to care.

Going through my worse depressive bouts before felt like fighting teeth and nail for a way out. It was hell, and it burned, and I cared. Now I simply shrug and be thankful there's fire to make some coffee. Does this make sense?

It was so loud and shrieking before, and now is more of a constant heavy hum, always there just out of reach, clinging to my legs and feet, dragging itself on the floor like a old dying beast. Once in a while it remembers it's alive and rips by flesh with its teeth, without any warning. Then back to playing dead. It bites less frequently now but my God, does it hurt.

I'm glad to not have to constantly fight for my life anymore, but I miss the days when that was something I wanted. I'm afraid I tipped the nihilistic scale too far and now I'm just sort of drifting away, little by little.

It's too quiet now and I don't like it.

[uhbasicallyjustmilex]

can someone please banish this writer's block for me 😫

it's the worst i've had in such a long time and i've tried to be patient with it but it's been fucking weeks now. i want to write so much but whenever i try they just feel like words on a page. every evening i sit down and rearrange them a little here and there and add some new ones, but they all just feel empty and and shit and my brain feels totally devoid of the creative spark i need to make everything come to life.

i know in large part it's my perfectionism getting in the way, but i don't know how to break through it. i don't know how to feel connected to my writing again. i don't know how to shift this fear of not being good enough that surges up every time i pick up a pen.

it's something that's always been there - but usually it at least comes in waves, or my love of what i'm creating is big enough to muffle it. right now, it's all i can hear. my inspiration has been totally drowned out by it. and i hate it so, so much. the fact that i can't access the one thing that brings me the kind of solace and joy and escapism i can't get anywhere else and is so vital to my soul. that i am blocking myself from engaging in the one thing that makes me feel like me.

i just feel so stuck and so lost and i miss being in that creative headspace so much it’s like a physical pain. it feels like part of me is missing, and it terrifies me that i don't know how to get it back.

[wimpy-imp]

I remember many times when my grandmother would make off hand remarks about how testosterone would make me look like a joke. that it would be funny and unnatural for someone like me to have a beard.

before that i remember my mother outing me to my grandparents without my knowledge or consent. and then having to sit with both of them on different occasions for a year while they tried to tell me i was just a masculine woman. One where they thought it was okay to ask if I'd get pregnant if a potential partner "really really wanted it 🥺" (Which. sidenote. what the actual fuck??)

i remember the day after one of those conversations my mother took me into town for a "suprise" from my grandma. and they tried to make me get my ears pierced. even when i said i didn't want to. the only reason they stopped was because i had an autistic shutdown in public and they were too embarrassed to keep trying to force me into it. That happened 2 years ago. i have very real trauma from that day.

They never cared about my gender nonconformity until i came out.

They still seem to believe that I'd only be a man if i actually secretly hated myself.

[papermonkeyism]

Ugh.

I should do an adult thing and have a frank and honest conversation with someone, but how do you say "so there was this thing five years ago that you did/said, that was probably nothing to you, but felt harshly punishing to me, and I should have said something at a time but I didn't, because I didn't want to make a scene in front of couple mutual friends, and I'm a fucking doormat, but I couldn't afford to lose a friend and I thought shutting up and dealing with it by myself I'd get over it eventually and it would be worth keeping the one friendship I had at the time, but it's been years and we barely even interact anymore because neither of us communicate, and when we do interact these days I'm more often than not left reminded of that one time five years ago that you probably don't even remember but has been there for me, looming, and I feel honestly angry and hurt and this is bad for my blood pressure, but I'm also afraid of your retaliation but is it really worth it anymore if you don't even wave at me when you see me crossing a street because 'I probably wouldn't even notice anyway *smiley face*' "

[corvid-language-library]

.

[call-me-copycat]

I just need to be told "You Can Do It" right now.

[mysticalcats]

ok fellas this post is really different from my other stuff so i'm putting it under the cut for people who don't care and also because i'm slightly embarrassed

ok so. is it unusual for a girl to want to have a deep voice and a flat chest and a more square face and also feel slightly jealous of men and want to sound like them and look like them

and also is it unusual to want to be all that, but also simultaneously not be very bothered very much by how you look right now or by being referred to with she/her except for sometimes when you think about it too much. because i usually don't think about it except for sometimes where i suddenly just get really sad about being a girl or i'll always have this faint feeling that i am just unhappy about it

and also is it unusual to try to ignore it and go about your life being unbothered by it even though deep down it does kinda bother you but you can't really. like. say anything to anyone because your family won't react well and neither will your friends because they'll think it's weird and uncomfortable. i feel afraid to ever feel this way because i know the people in my life won't react well to it

so like. genuine question please lmk wtf is goin on because i'm unsure if it's normal and i've felt like this for a long time and it's confusing me and i don't even know what i'm going to do with the information once i know i'm just sort of lost LMAO

[sharpbutsoft]

.

[stellewriites]

really fucking grinds my gears how my dad knows just how to make me feel fucking guilty for putting up boundaries and saying no

[spacepajamas956]

Someone: “I like Shinji.”

Someone else: “B- But the hospital scene-“

SHUT UPPPPPPP!!!!!! YOU CAN LIKE A CHARACTER AND NOT AGREE WITH/SUPPORT THEIR ACTIONS LET PEOPLE ENJOY THINGS!!!!!

[scuderia-hamilton]

i’m happy for Lewis going to Ferrari and that he's leaving a toxic environment and i am so so excited to see him in red, in a team that wants him, but then sometimes i see a sad edit of him leaving and it’s just truly devastating.

how he always said that Mercedes is his family, that it’s the place where he wants to retire from, that he cannot imagine not being a Mercedes driver. he was so loyal, he gave everything he had to that team and somehow, it just still wasn’t good enough. they didn’t listen to him, they excluded him, made him feel unwanted and alienated, didn’t prioritize him at all. it’s been so clear that he wasn’t part of their future plans, which was just heartbreaking.

and when he decided to take back his career and go to a team that clearly appreciates him for all that he’s achieved, they spin this whole narrative around, going completely against him. suddenly everything was an issue and a problem, his age, his attitude, his commitment and determination.

and still, he didn’t say a single bad word about them, always expressing how hard of a decision it was. the hardest he ever had to make. he makes sure they know how grateful he is, how proud he is of their journey and shared history, that he'll miss them tremendously and it just doesn't feel reciprocated at all.

and i can’t imagine how drastically the situation must have worsened for him to decide this over winter break, in such a short period of time. he was always so full of hope regarding the team, no matter how horrible the situation was. something broke his unwavering support and hope.

he built a legacy way bigger than any world champion in the sport, he built a legacy that is bigger than f1. and it still wasn't enough. he felt like he had to leave first, before he got left behind. and that is just gut wrenching. he's the most successful formula 1 driver in history and they just couldn't appreciate him.

Mercedes was his family. until it wasn't.