#just haven’t had the proper motivation til now I guess

[finrinrinfin]

I want to make stickers! And I want to sell them I think I’d be fun! What kind of stickers would you get?

[hyenahunt]

Beast Survival - 1

Writer: Nishioka Maiko

Season: Summer

Proofreading: royalquintet (JP & ENG)

Jun: Wha— They're asking me to play the leading role? Umm, why me...?

[Location: Training Room]

Jun: (Woah. I totally zoned out while working out, and now my shirt's soaked with sweat. Feels real gross...) (I should change outta it soon..... But even then, this is the second one I've gone through.) (Did I bring any other spares...?) ( — Ooh, looks like I've got one left. So this is a case of "preparation is prevention", huh. Serious props to the past me for this.) (Heading all the way to the changing room's a pain, so I might as well just change here. There's no one else around, after all.) (Ahh~ Nothing beats changing into a new shirt right after sweatin' up a storm.) (I'm all refreshed in both body and soul now.... is what I wanna say, but it's not that easy...) (Recently things've been so dreary no matter what I do, and even working out like this doesn't do anything to clear up the feeling.) (It feels just like the post-workout burn, like my limbs are made outta lead or something.) (Isn't there usually a link between being active and feeling refreshed? Or well, it depends on how much working out you do, I think.) (The training I had to do as a kid was so rough that I couldn't even eat sometimes, after all.) (Rather than refreshing... It was more like defreshing.) (Well, it's thanks to that my physical stamina and strength's basically on par with actual athletes now, but I still think of it as an unfortunate product of my past.) (.....Hm, what's this? Someone's poked their head in from the entrance... looks like it's — ) Heya, Anzu-san, what's up~ What're you doing all the way in the gym? I'm the only one here, y'know~? — Huh? Ohh, so that's it. You need me for something, huh. Hm? I don't seem to be doing so well? Is that how it looks? Well, it's true I haven't been feeling too my best, but... Ahh, nah, it's not physical or anything. I can still work out like this, as you can see. It's just... moodwise, I haven't been feeling too hot, or I've been feeling kinda gloomy, actually. So it's been kinda throwing my daily routine outta whack, I guess? What's that? Ah, well, if I had to give a reason... It really isn't that big a deal, seriously. I mean, Ohii-san's moved outta the Reimei dorms and into ES's, right? Up 'til now, that guy would make me pour all his tea, carry all his shit, and show him all around... He's a complete asshole who'd dump it all on me when it came to pretty much everything. Unfortunately, I got completely used to it. And now my current roommate's the prim-and-proper type who takes care of his own stuff himself. So ever since Ohii-san headed off, I've gotten fewer chances to take care of things and it's been messing with my motivation and stuff. Kinda like something's missing. Really now...? You're asking if I'm lonely? Goddamn. It's nothing like that, alright. Even in a part-time job you'd feel better being kept busy, right? It's more agonising when you have nothing to do. Killing too much time can kill you instead, after all. That's what I'm feeling right now. You wonder about that, do you? Keep making fun of me and I'm not gonna let you off, alright~? In any case, did you come looking for me just to shoot the breeze? You should be plenty satisfied now, then. I'm off, see ya. — Woah—!? Don't drag me back so forcefully, please. You're gonna stretch out my shirt, y'know. Alright, alright, I get it. You really do need me for something, huh? Well, what d'ya need me for~? Mm? What's this? A project proposal? Ohh, so it's a proposal for a stageplay... Ah~, sorry. I'm not really familiar with stuff in that field. Hmm. So the director of the play's really all that famous? — And what about it? Why're you giving this proposal to me? Wha— They're asking me to play the leading role? Umm, why me...? Mmm, well, it's not that I'm unhappy about it or anything.... I really appreciate them nominating me for the role, actually. It's just that I don't really know anything about theater, so it's a given I'd wonder why, yeah? Ahh. So the director came to see both Summer Live and SS last year, and became a fan of me? Is that so~ That makes me real happy ♪ But all the same... why? Ahh, please excuse me for being so skeptical. You could say it's just in my nature, or more like... Feeling like I can't trust anyone but myself is just something that's carried over from my life at school. I can't help but think that if some juicy offer sounds too good to be true, it probably isn't. I mean, think about it. We lost as Eden that time, after all. Not to mention the agency's unprecedented scandal completely blew up, and thanks to that I feel like there's no way our live could've won anyone's heart. Well, I'm pretty glad for it, honestly. We broke past all those various disappointments and still managed to pull off an awesome performance — it felt really great. But I'm sure anyone watching wouldn't have felt the same way. That's not the case, you say? Ahh, geez. You're... way too soft, is how I'd put it, I guess... Huh. So we caught this director's interest even despite the whole incident...? Well, they definitely sound like the eccentric type~ But y'know, if you're the one saying this I'm sure you're not being two-faced about it or anything, so I'll be good too and properly hear you out. Thank you very much. Huh!? Me starring in this stageplay would make it better than all the rest...? And they think I'm the number one best choice for the role.... Why are they going that far? They even said that since I can use my past experiences to bring the role to life, there's no one else who could play it?

Jun: T-this is the first time I've gotten such a passionate job offer... ... Well, it's not like it feels bad to hear the extent of their praise. I get it. I've never performed in a play before, so I'm not sure just how much I can do, but I'll go at it with all my heart and soul! ? What are you so happy for? You're not the one performing. Wha—? The script's actually done already!? And on top of that, it was written with me in mind...!? They didn't even know if I'd accept the role or not. Talk about jumping the gun... And they would've done anything to get me to accept, huh... That's actually a lil' scary, y'know. Well, since I said I'd do it I'm not gonna back out or anything, so please don't worry. There's still time to get introduced and have a quick run-through of the script. Ahh, yeah, I gotcha. I'm gonna be sure to read it from front to back. Alright, I'll start now, then~ Let's see — the title's "King of the Grasslands"? Pretty grand title, that. My role's... uhh, you said i'm playing the lead role, so... — Wait, whaaat the actual hell is this!?

✦✦✦✦✦

✦ all ✦ next →

[mollydollyjournals]

Wed 24th, 156.6lbs. I thought that might be the case. At least I'm not still over 157. I didn't eat lots today and I feel sort of smaller but also still huge especially when I look in the mirror, so it's hard to tell. Idk what I'll be tomorrow. I'm also due my period next week so I'll gain water weight any time now.

I'm still putting together that journal. I was writing out recipes and such today. I haven't done much else. I felt really sick and low on energy even from walking around the house so there's no way I would have been able to do more. At least I avoided binging I guess.

I want to do something like have rewards for reaching various weight goals. I just don't know if I'll ever reach those goals. I lose all motivation when I feel like the reward isn't actually possible. With my weight, sometimes I could try harder and sometimes stuff just gets in the way. Like my health. If I can barely stand, how am I supposed to work out? And just restricting doesn't seem to work for me. Even just a bit of exercise makes more difference than proper restriction, but I need to be able to do that exercise.

One thing that gets in the way a lot is alcohol. If I'm drinking or hungover or sick or my body just isn't right, because I drank. So really, the only thing I'd think rewards for weight loss would do is encourage me to stay sober more. I've started to feel shitty a lot since I started drinking twice a week again. It's probably a combination of that and side effects from my covid jab. I was drinking on Sundays and Wednesdays - today is Wednesday and I really wanted to drink, maybe almost out of habit, but I didn't. That's my achievement of the day. I wanted to make it at least til the weekend and see if I feel any better. If I do, I'll be able to actually do things like work out or organise my stuff or whatever. That's where the difference would be.

It's not like I don't have any motivation to lose weight. I just don't have the motivation to try. I'm someone who craves immediate gratification - my first eating disorder was overeating, followed by binge eating, then bulimia. Not to mention all my other coping mechanisms over the years. If I feel bad now then I want to feel better, and food is one way to do that, and denying myself is difficult. It's the same reason I struggle not to drink. Even though I know I'll feel terrible after and maybe make myself really ill. It's the same with food - I'll feel guilty and stay fat but I eat anyway because I feel horrible in the moment and I need something to make me feel better.

Overriding that is so difficult for me. There are times when I get into the mindset of being afraid to eat, and that's different. But usually it's just trying to control myself and I can't do it if there isn't at least a guaranteed reward. It's like going to work and not knowing if you'll get paid. Which is also something I've had to deal with in my life that thoroughly demoralised me. I really struggle to do things that might yield rewards. I have so little energy I feel like I want to spend it on stuff that will yield rewards, or at least that's enjoyable for me to do as I do it. Every time I try something for weight loss or health and I don't get anywhere, I feel more and more stuck and angry and just horrible. Right now I'm finding it difficult to not drink when it's been a few days since I last drank so I should feel okay by now. I did before. So why not just drink? Then I'll feel worse tomorrow but I'll at least feel okay for now. I have to remind myself that in the past it has taken longer sometimes to make me feel better, it's probably not just that affecting me, etc.

With my weight, I feel like I have to try. But only because I can't stand being this fat. I don't actually feel like I'm going to succeed. And in that case, I'm not sure if I should set myself rewards. Maybe I'll compromise and set time limits as well - like lose 10lbs and get new thing, but if I haven't got close to losing the 10lbs in 2mths I can get it anyway. I'll still want to do it before the time's up, that much is in my nature. I won't want to get it by sitting around waiting for the time to pass. But it'll also take away the hopeless feeling that I'll never be able to have them. Maybe it'll make me want to try harder to beat the time.

I don't know. But that's why I need to keep writing out my thoughts on all this stuff...I have to come up with ideas.

In that case I guess I will write out some reward ideas... I just kind of feel like it's another way to disappoint myself. Idk.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #270

“please remain calm; the end has arrived. we cannot save you; enjoy the ride.”

Do you own pastel-colored pants? No. What type of lotion do you use? I don't really use it. Nothing seems to help how dry my skin is. What were your favorite clothing stores in high school? Hot Topic. If you could have a car in any color you wanted, which color? Pastel pink, but realistically (given a pink car would probably have a paint job I'd have to pay for, I assume?), I like burnt orange cars. Not too brown-ish, though. What is your favorite color, do you look good in it, & do you wear it a lot? Pink, probably not, and no. Name someone you know who hates pink. Idk. What is your favorite Avril Lavigne song? "Nobody's Home." Do you kill bugs? Sometimes. Depends. If they're in my house, most likely. Have you ever had a bedroom that had wallpaper on the walls? No. Do you own any rompers? No. What’s one thing you’ve done to celebrate Earth Day? I made a birdhouse out of a milk carton once. Animal Planet taught me lol. Do you use window clings (aka window stickers)? No. What color is your stapler? Black. Do you have a desk that you sit at in your room? Ugh, no, but that's one reason I want to move to somewhere I have a bigger room for a desk so I don't do everything in my damn bed. What do you miss about college? Feeling like I was worth something and on a "proper" path. Was your middle school crush the same as your high school crush? No. What is/was your dream school? I never had a "dream" school. Do you wish you could talk to someone about your past? If so, who? Idk, probably someone. What motivates you? Music and/or videos on whatever subject I could use motivation in, like self-care on my bad days. Have you ever completed a weight loss program? No. Tried, though. When was the last time you did something for the first time? I went through a doctor appointment entirely without Mom just a few days ago; she had to stay in the car due to chemo, so I filled stuff out, checked in/out alone, answered questions on my own, that business. I'm entirely aware it's sad as hell that a 24 y/o did that for the first time, but if you knew just how dependent I am on my mom, you'd get it. Which do you prefer: Valentine’s Day or Easter? Valentine's when I actually have someone to celebrate with, but I love Easter as an aunt with how excited the kids are about candy and all. Easter sorta rubs me the wrong way though since, y'know, Christianity essentially stole and rebuilt it. Do you wait until the last minute to decorate, or do you decorate early? I myself don't even decorate. Mom only does for Christmas, and it's very last minute. What’s your favorite Starbucks drink? I don't drink Starbucks. What were you wearing in the last good selfie you took? *checks phone* uh the one where I'm wearing a red tank top is okay. That's all you can see cuz FUCK taking full-body pics of me. What’s on your wish list right now? Ha, I actually have a list in my phone of things I really want/need to buy when I can. A few include a bigger terrarium to Venus, a treadmill, an Unus Annus shirt before the channel and thus merch expire, glasses for driving... What do you use to sweeten your tea? I don't drink tea. Have you ever owned an expensive eyeshadow palette? No, I don't wear enough colors or makeup in general to warrant buying one. When was the last time you stepped outside of your comfort zone? The aforementioned doctor visit. How would you rate your self-esteem? Low, healthy, or high? Low as like, the deepest oceanic trench probs. Do you own a tripod for your camera? Yeah. Were you a bigger fan of Lindsay Lohan or Hilary Duff? Hilary. Do you make Halloween costumes out of clothes from your closet? Only ever to just be a goth to live out my inner fantasy of regularly flaunting that aesthetic. Do you enjoy putting outfits together? Not particularly. Would you rather it rain or snow? Snow! What does your umbrella look like? Don't have one. What’s one thing you’ve had a toxic reaction to? Do you mean like, emotionally/mentally toxic? I'm guessing probably yes. Even though parts of it were entirely realistic, understandable reactions/behaviors, I most definitely had some toxicity in me regarding the breakup, too. Which do you prefer: cropped tops or tunic tops? Uggghhhh, both are so cute. On me, I'd only ever wear tunic tops, but on others, I tend to find cropped tops cuter. What’s a style or trend that you think is ridiculous? I don't pay enough attention to this to really know... hm. Yeah, idk. Which YouTuber do you want to be more like? I could only dream of being as motivated and smart and determined and "I can do this shit" as Markiplier jfc I Love One Man Only. Do you like stuffed animals? EEEEEEEEK yes!!!! What was your favorite class in high school? Art. Have you ever gotten straight A’s in a class? If so, which classes? Yes; not to brag whatsoever, but too many for me to remember. I remember I got my very first B in 5th grade in I think math, and I was so bummed out. Were there any subjects that you got a perfect SAT score in? If so, what? I don't think so. Are you happy today? If so, what made you happy today? I'm content-ish, not happy, but also not unhappy. Is your bed right by a window? There's one to my upper right and middle left, but my bed's not exactly against either. Do you spend more time in your bedroom or your living room? I barely leave my bedroom. Which holiday is your favorite to decorate for? Halloween, if I actually did decorate. Do you name stuffed animals still? Very rarely. Depends on what it is, the importance, etc. What titles did you win in the senior class polls? I FUCKIN READ THIS AS "TITTIES" AND WAS JUST LIKE... Anyway, none. Were you popular in school? No. If you’re from the US, what states have you lived in? Only NC. Who was your best roommate? Well, Jason, if he even counted as a "roommate." Was your first roommate your best roommate? See above, considering idk if he fits the term; if he does, then yes. What’s the best family vacation you’ve ever been on? Disney World. Have you ever wanted to be a model? No. What years did you attend prom? Sophomore (bf was a senior and he took me) and senior. What do you want to be for Halloween? I was recently listening to a metal version of Oogie Boogie's song from TNBC and it hit me: MISS Oogie Boogie. A fat bitch could pull that shit off, watch me ho. Which member of your family are you closest to? My mom. If you have any regrets, what is the biggest one? If not, why do you have no regrets? Letting a boy become absolutely all that mattered and more to me. Would you ever apply to be on reality TV? Why? Ew, no. I don't need any more people judging me and my life. What is the best thing that has ever happened to you? The partial hospitalization program that saved my life, literally. Do you have a hard time letting things go? It depends on what it is, but generally, yes. I recently realized one of my greatest flaws: I respond very, very poorly to loss, in any way. Looking back on people (especially people), events, other things... a negative, chronic reaction to loss is present throughout. What have you accomplished in life that has made you the most happy? Emotionally healed, a lot. I don't think some things will ever fully scar over, but nevertheless, I don't mentally have fuckin gashes in me. Have you ever struggled with your weight? Ever since the breakup, yes. I thought I was slightly fat before then, but looking at pictures now, I just think "damn hunny u look gud" and realize I was perfectly healthy. But anyway, I was put on a medication called Abilify (full-on name droppin', fuck this med), and it MURDERED my metabolism. I could eat a fuckin carrot and gain five pounds, probably. Emotional eating probably contributed too, but here's the thing: my current doctor took me off of it, knowing the moment I mentioned it that it was not only bad for me and my conditions but also responsible for the extreme weight gain? Pounds dropped like a ton of bricks, and this started before my emotional eating began to die off and regulate. I lost around 80 pounds just from dropping a goddamn pill. Cue college essay-long rant here about how my body image was slaughtered, how much I loathe the fucking doc that kept me on the med and blamed everything on me, and now how I've been stuck weight-wise for two years despite a vast plethora of methods to continue shedding a;sdlkfajkwlelawe GUYS I could rant til my hypothetical great-grandchildren die. When you are out with your friends are you loud and outgoing or shy and reserved? It depends on who the friend is, where we are, etc., but generally, I'm just awkward, trying to be outgoing when in fact I'm questioning every single thing I say and do al;wekjrkawde this survey has taken a TURN. Do you like to stay in your pajamas all day long? I don't leave my pj's unless I have to leave the house and go inside somewhere besides like, a gas station or something that's just "whatever." In high school did you have a lot of friends? Do you still keep in touch? I wouldn't say a *lot*, no, but not a tiny amount, either. The only one I ever still see is Girt, but I keep up with many on Facebook via the like button and shit, ha. Do you really care about such issues as abortion, religion, and global warming? Fuck yes I do. Who is the biggest womanizer you know? Juan sure was, but I haven't been in contact with him for years. Would you ever have a threesome? No. Who is the most attractive person you know? Of those I personally know-know, my answer will probably always be Alon like jc she's beautiful. When did you last feel the most free? ZOINKS we can't ask that question in America rn. Is there anyone who likes (or liked) you and had a really hard time getting over you? I don't know. Did you ever love someone and feel like it was wrong? Love? No. Well, before I realized I was bi, maybe Mini counts, as then I was anti-LGBT and couldn't even imagine myself as anything but straight. What’s your favorite bug? Butterflies. What’s the longest amount of time you liked/loved somebody for? Yeesh... I still can't say with absolute confidence I no longer love Jason at all, whom I started dating in 2012 and went head over heels for. What song makes you cry? There's a few that are capable of it sometimes, but do fucking not play "Stairway To Heaven" if I'm within 10 miles of you. "Another Life" by MiW usually makes me tear up towards the end, but it normally doesn't get that far anymore. Do you like rock or rap music better? Rock, as I'm not a rap fan. If you could watch someone change, would you? Yes let me live my life a;lsdkfjaws Ever known someone with an eating disorder? I don't know. I think maybe? Have you ever had a white Christmas? I think? The best snow we ever got was late Christmas night though, and the next morning was a total whiteout. What’s something you want to do but aren’t sure of yet? Hm. Idk. I'm pretty sure of most things I want to do. Biggest lie you ever told? I'm not entirely sure and I'd rather not search for one. Do you have a religion? I don't fit perfectly into any. I relate most with Neo-Paganism, but even that I deviate from some. Believe that there is a point to churches? I mean sure, people have the right to believe in/worship what they want to, and some people get a lot of joy and reassurance out of going. How do eat Oreos? "I split them in half and lick the cream before eating the cookie." <<<< Converse or Vans? Idc. Eh, maybe Converse, but idk. Dancing or watching others dance? I love watching others dance, it's why I enjoyed dance recitals and competitions. Favorite thing to touch/feel? My cat! <3 Rather be in a tornado or a large earthquake? Both would be horrifying, but I guess earthquake. I've had an outrageous fear of tornadoes since I was very little. Would you rather Santa or the Easter Bunny actually exist? Santa, duh. Would you rather spread gossip or start a fight? Start a fight, I guess. Trying to sully someone's name with false information would haunt me way more than starting an understandable fight. What has been the best New Year's for you so far & why? I don't know. What is the weirdest fear you’ve ever heard of someone having? Do you have any weird fears, and if so, what are they? Uhhh I think maybe butterflies? Idk, even that's not too weird considering it's an insect, and that's common. I'm personally absolutely terrified of pregnancy and also whale sharks scare me quite a bit. ig that's weird. How did you find Tumblr? lol how could you not know at some point as a teen on the Internet. What of the 8 wonders of the world do you find the most fascinating, if any? I had to look them up lmao. I guess the Great Pyramid of Giza. I in general find Egyptian culture and art to be very cool. Do you have a webcam? If you do, do you ever use it and what for? I mean, it's built into the laptop. I never use it. What is something that you think is really underrated? The band Otep, for one. I mean they're not small, but I don't think most people interested in the metal genre know them. OH and then there are A LOT of YouTube artists that MADLY deserve to be signed. I have a large chunk of metal musicians I listen to, and those especially like Jonathan Young blow my fucking mind they haven't technically "made it," even if they have a large subscriber base. Have you ever had a dream where you died? Did anything weird happen to your body after it? Yes, a few. Now hang with me, okay? One of my worst nightmares as a kid involved the wicked witch from TWoO turning me into one of those fucking party things that you blow into it and the paper unfurls and her using it killed me. Yo idk. I was really scared of that witch as a kid. What’s the scariest dream you’ve ever had? How about the most realistic? It involved my dad and that's all that needs to be said. Realistic? Hm. This was SO long ago that I barely remember *just* how real it felt, but I remember it felt real as fuck. I was very little when this happened. I dreamed that I went outside to our porch because there was a weird light and when I stepped outside, a swan and a goose flew down from the light onto the porch to become my late grandpa and my deeply beloved cat Midnight, who died from sickness. I'm sure it was just a dream now, but back then, I was VERY convinced it was like a vision from God or something, telling me they were okay and with us. Do you have a favorite fashion trend? What is it? Is there a fashion trend right now that you think is completely ridiculous, and if so, what? What do you think was the worst fashion trend of all time? I don't care about fashion enough to go in depth about all this. I'll tell you right now though that mullets were the worst mistake known to mankind. Do you tend to like original horror movies or re-makes better? What’s your favorite horror movie? Is it an original or a remake? If you're remaking an old one, I'll probably like it more since they're generally not nearly as cheesy. Modern horror movies, I don't have much of a preference. My fave is The Blair Witch Project, and it's an original. What is one characteristic in a person that you cannot stand? What characteristics do you like best in a person? Do you possess any of these characteristics? Those that act violent when they're angry, for one. Those scare me. Some traits that I really like are compassion, patience, genuineness, empathy, kindness just for the sake of being so, stuff like that. I'd like to think I've got some of those. It's notable that in my nightmares, I'm way more violent than I actually am, though. What kind of jeans do you like best? When I actually wore jeans, they were like solely skinny jeans. What has been the most traumatic experience of your life? Does it still bother you? A very abrupt and poorly-executed breakup after a long-term relationship and falling way, way too hard to be healthy. Does it still bother me? PTSD is stapled on my fucking forehead if you know the slightest about it. I've healed a whole lot, but I'm pretty sure it's a scar that's never going to even fully seal.

[vaguelygeiszlerian]

1 to 40 please OwO

rhhgjtghenrhg avery is that you (im chucking these under a readmore, i just did some so im not doing them again, there WILL be context so prepare to read)

your favorite song everyone who knows me even a little bit knows my favorite song is take on me by aha! https://open.spotify.com/track/2WfaOiMkCvy7F5fcp2zZ8L?si=Y-PQBNsYSFe30n4l-XILsw

the first song you remember loving the very first? well if i can’t do take on me again, you get... hm. well there’s two, so i’ll give you the not embarrassing one. bohemian like you, dandy warhols, a song 2 year old [redacted] went wailing round the house singing. https://open.spotify.com/track/0yEhNqCwEfy8LHUmnZoHpP?si=UDGKtdX-Qwiy2mUP88Xlbg

a song that reminds you of summer done!

a song you haven’t heard in years behind blue eyes, limp bizkit, before you say anything, and i know you will, this song is a depression song and i stand by my love for it  https://open.spotify.com/track/1MTQHCpraD4S8g5PAFKzoj?si=vD8m_yjlRoq3bRd1hvQU1A

a song you can relate to right now? well, i’m mostly plucking songs from my ‘real ass bops’ playlist, if you want the one that reflects today’s jordan, you’re in for a grim treat! despicable by grandson https://open.spotify.com/track/5IPT4Noqvo7bsfbWUOHcG4?si=Cp4O-5WdS0-ZqfxxWVR01A

a song that reminds you of your favorite book ooh, i think i have a good one for this, my favorite book of all time is the taking by dean koontz, ask me why sometime, it’s a good read! it’s the end of the world as we know it (and i feel fine), r.e.m https://open.spotify.com/track/2oSpQ7QtIKTNFfA08Cy0ku?si=nfVjPGY7QaGH26uAz-88_A

a song that makes you want to dance right now? two trucks, lemon demon, don’t ask https://open.spotify.com/track/1s5A0u1dnAeVNur5nPkCpD?si=HLZERdMDQnqBxGnj31Lx3g

the best song from your favorite album heart’s a mess, from gotye’s ‘like drawing blood’, his second studio album, which is my absolute fave of all three proper ones he did, even if his first had some really amazing tracks, and making mirrors had some good ones, there’s nothing like learnalilgivinanlovin, or a distinctive sound, or, as i said, heart’s a mess! https://open.spotify.com/track/4tFkgfdi8b3aNcKNthPqIF?si=nDJafKn8QYmEgdqmlN4y4A

a song that makes you want to cry all songs make me wanna cry, but first that comes to mind is black friday (from the black friday musical soundtrack), because as an older sibling with a younger sister that the world doesn’t understand (that i don’t understand sometimes) the little aside about hannah makes me cry every single time https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LAZgYL0p2zk

a song that makes you feel young the distance, cake, it’s a song i listened to pretty much from my formative years til about... well, yesterday actually! never ceases to make me feel like im a good 15 years younger haha https://open.spotify.com/track/0fsz7tJ7UKXT9hliLfO7aE?si=caOsrX_fT4u9qARZKWSqfQ

a song that means a lot to you la vie en rose, edith piaf. i was (still am) a romantic sucker, and used to make all sorts of idealistic romantic playlists growing up, and i never knew the french (and i still dont (youre welcome em <3)) but the way she sang always made my heart tremble. and then bioshock infinite burial at sea came out, and i listened to that version of la vie en rose a million times, cried at a good half of them. anyway i love this song. https://open.spotify.com/track/3lAun9V0YdTlCSIEXPvfsY?si=zSRwBZ0AQnuyGGkjh2XmZw

the last song you listened to i’m in love with an e-girl, wilbur soot, the chorus of this song FUCKS my friends, honestly the whole song (and internet has ruined me, the sort of sequel) fucks https://open.spotify.com/track/44wBlg3Y1KSAEmaze5BXe7?si=u9mapV8STz6sqR3jg4XMiw

the last song you heard on the radio we don’t really do the radio in the car, and i dont recognise the songs on there these days anyway

the last cd/album you bought the black friday album actually! support starkid 

a song to listen to on rainy days done!

a chill song no surprises, radiohead https://open.spotify.com/track/1bSpwPhAxZwlR2enJJsv7U?si=oVXsE5JiTxulLkevqL4hjA

an upbeat song push up, freestylers, ok so maybe we do listen to the radio sometimes, and i heard a snippet of this like two months ago and immediately added it to my playlist https://open.spotify.com/track/2PJq8Fr5i2S0OkcmFsTC1P?si=3K7q37zNRuCQIduRdApjWQ

a song that gets stuck in your head nobody by mitski, everyone knows that one though https://open.spotify.com/track/6bTn1ovliI0OkjUNkiMBJq?si=Vc-DUCl-RpyhRc6lcbpKgg

your favorite song from a movie somewhere only we know, keane, from my favorite scene in ‘he’s just not that into you’ which is one of my fave romcoms, ok you probably didnt need all that context, dont laugh https://open.spotify.com/track/0ll8uFnc0nANY35E0Lfxvg?si=Lov6MdiOTNGrxCiX6UdDZg

your favorite song from a musical inevitable, the guy who didn’t like musicals. i know the choreo, i know every part almost down to the pitch now, i spent hours practicing the kickline with my sister. jon matteson if you have a spare moment please teach me how to kick your legs that high https://open.spotify.com/track/2lQkaEvJa69QCzk3x6HgaA?si=QMRBYXPwRruOSU4_xBPdMA

a song that reminds you of the moon night, the altogether, no real reason here, its just got a lonesome ethereality to it https://open.spotify.com/track/3MKF7HCn6uD03jWcUB8k1R?si=gm8JKR1jQbS6Dh59WUuEwA

a song by your favorite artist/band i really can’t pick between radiohead and newton faulkner, so you get the best of both, 15 step and teardrop https://open.spotify.com/track/6dsq7Nt5mIFzvm5kIYNORy?si=9dEYby1PRKm8zozrCTGcjA https://open.spotify.com/track/7JpgJ7b5sjvo3fUfPcRlq1?si=pVfzoWtuTdO5OsbDgUnabQ

a song from the year you were born closing time, semisonic, one of the fucking best songs ever https://open.spotify.com/track/4EnkwZd0UJAuHpNMMemQaA?si=ASYNfnThR_m9kqFrloI9nw

the number one song on your birthday my heart will go on, celine dion, i guess titanic had just come out that year, but in my country, on my birthday, this was the number one, god help us https://open.spotify.com/track/33LC84JgLvK2KuW43MfaNq?si=HswubDCkQJ-x7-LM06PQUQ

your favorite love song i do adore, mindy gledhill, cliche at this point, i know, but my sister introduced it to me, played it on her ukelele, and i love her, more than i love most things, and it makes me smile even on a day where ive not done very much smiling at all https://open.spotify.com/track/6JNEDSev5Tp5VQR04SEBfV?si=BxnrZafFT3m4QkXNUN5GcA

your favorite christmas song baby it’s cold outside, lydia liza and josiah lemanski, it’s the funniest fucking song https://open.spotify.com/track/3xvFTqHmlMqKjHgczCGn2C?si=lgDMvUQZR-2lPXHINo2POQ

one song that starts with each letter of your name j: JT by jon bellion (https://open.spotify.com/track/1eftOUoeMO1JkSQQmS6jXF?si=h4yYMpXnTAiZPxJJUPv0DA) o: one more shot, spies are forever ost (https://open.spotify.com/track/0EgLq4ORQ6TMPN6rjWp3d6?si=mC3eDbJJRyCGN4fNAcbdlA) r: red signal, the mechanisms (https://open.spotify.com/track/2TWDxsjHx2rqtH197URbE8?si=XB8D-1N-SkKgmlTZOFbcfQ) d: dont judge me, janelle monae (https://open.spotify.com/track/6UQDIIEPzeduwXlZE86SOF?si=1bONXfj-SQiq79ibrXjC-A) a: as your father i expressly forbid it, lemon demon (https://open.spotify.com/track/29L9B2aDs2NhrQGbs8pf9M?si=CvVTbLtNTgGeL3iemrLVHg) n: night drive, gotye (https://open.spotify.com/track/3fuRfxHpC56uNFMOaOlMCm?si=PDAbEsi_SjK-EYDmTvjT6A)

two songs with the same/similar titles that you like i don’t care (fall out boy) / idfc (blackbear) https://open.spotify.com/track/13mM4hWNMH5KwMcwl81tXS?si=YOqg8tVXRQKXB3ANmDFjHQ https://open.spotify.com/track/6y6jbcPG4Yn3Du4moXaenr?si=CzyYs4b5QQ23azTqgv0iXw

a cover that you like better than the original song done!

a song with really good lyrics kick it up a notch, starship  https://open.spotify.com/track/1r223IXiRxObMBNh3mcyWR?si=-RX3obwISfS_jk3JjzvaJg

a song with an amazing beat couple’s retreat, jon bellion https://open.spotify.com/track/7pMS0byKI7V1Mpl0SlWEDq?si=Xytu_HBrStq_zjKdia2oig

a song that you associate with the color yellow boys, lizzo https://open.spotify.com/track/1ITsmuChPVC05ogvorAyVu?si=hkoCz7ouQsyLKn8Q7KO92g

your favorite song with an action in the title (jump, dance, etc.) bite back, all american rejects https://open.spotify.com/track/4zJv4aXOIAepvhApOFoQeQ?si=qRtthyDlQvKGRErmkI8lDg

your favorite acoustic song heart is full, jon bellion https://open.spotify.com/track/6DvsjPkNcB4QoezDPtxsAB?si=vD18h70qSFG5xtrjpuy4XA

a song that motivates you take me home, country roads, john denver https://open.spotify.com/track/39q7xibBdRboeMKUbZEB6g?si=STNgdvZSQNSfqX9pENggSg

your favorite song you’ve heard live camisado, panic at the disco https://open.spotify.com/track/1LF5HQ32hztQWzADGH8ys4?si=VDjKcAo9TX-JA0kF6csqQA

a song that reminds you of your best friend ok so this one needs context (and an attached apology), when i think of best friends as a concept i think of tianna, and when i think of tianna, i think of sitting at the junior campus, huddled around my phone, tittering like twits over this stupid fucking song. (but honestly avery this applies to you too, you’re my best friend that isn’t emmy, i love you) enormous penis, da vinci’s notebook https://open.spotify.com/track/7dUCFnaGSWLH6SdDP08NLP?si=dH00DTxqTR2y3mAIEia9Lw

your favorite song from childhood radio/video, system of a down, the song my sister used to babble incomprehensibly loudly to whenever we played it in the car, the one i grew so used to i can literally hear it in my head as i type https://open.spotify.com/track/41pOIT2t1rvr2Trg1HQChZ?si=-Kyg8JSET2uDq0XGMICsMg

a song you always sing along to can’t sleep love, pentatonix, my sister and i’s favorite song to duet together, even if we haven’t quite worked out the proper parts for a two person acapella cover haha https://open.spotify.com/track/1klGbW5a9qTBFUjFfddbmU?si=Lm0FMpz5TVKddr82vUyf2w

your favorite song in a language different from your native one since i’m determined not to reuse songs, you get papaoutai, stromae (sorry about all the french, they bop babe) https://open.spotify.com/track/09TcIuH1ZO7i4vicWKoaN2?si=YTuHkj1DTgicqo7ZnqYJ0Q

[airyravenmaid]

Eye Contact

Back at it again at Krispy Kreme with more FF Versus XV bullshit. This one’s kinda wonky and really bizarre since the AU overall ties in with a KH crossover I helped make up along with personal headcanons, but can also standalone for a FFXV AU in itself. I’m just clearing that up since there is a part mentioned towards the end that nods to a world the Chocobros went to as one of their many “world detours” en route to the one they needed to go to in order to establish diplomatic relations with a potential sister kingdom also of light. ...Oh, and there are implications of another headcanon regarding a certain Immortal Marshal, but that’s a popular HC in itself, so that goes without saying. So, yeah, sorry for that; just warning y’all so you don’t get confused and want me burned at the stake.

Alright, alright, that’s enough idiotic justification rambling from me; I’m already buzzed as is and can hardly think right anyways lol. Just enjoy the crazy piece I wrote so I can try and work on the next tone. This one’s not Lightis and is more platonic bc Light’s making fray-ends with these dumb boys :3c. Maybe I can write more of her befriending the others, but we’ll see. ‘Til then, here’s this one and happy reading for those who see this! 💘

Staring back at Prompto from the caravan bathroom mirror was himself, but more clouded. He only blamed it on having just gotten up and dressed for the day not too long ago, figuring he’d taken care of everything he needed to per his morning routine. The very sight of his dull, everyday mirror reflection made him sigh a tad forlornly, but realizing the time to go was imminent only had him slap two hands to his cheeks once. Putting on his more traditional smile, Prompto gave the mirror two thumbs up as enough motivation to start the day right. No prob! He could do this, he could do this!

Upon going to exit the vicinity for the fresher outside world, Prompto rubbed whatever lingering weariness stuck by away from his eyes to clear his vision. When things still looked slightly blurry as before, he gulped. Fumbling through his smallest bag, he dug for what he thought was taken care of already. Pulling out two connected circles he knew to be his contact lenses case, Prompto opened it to find it empty, to his panic.

“Maybe I’ve still got my spares…?” Prompto hoped, rummaging through the bag to try and find more disposable lenses. He found the source box, but opening it only gave him an empty container and an expectation for a very rough day ahead. “You’ve gotta be kidding me! I’m out already?!”

“Prompto, what’s the hold up in there?” Gladio called from outside. “We gotta move!”

“Be right out! Just— making sure I didn’t forget anything is all!”

“Then do one last good check and hurry. We haven’t got all day either!”

Prompto in response called out a playfully affirmative “Aye, aye, Big Guy!” before going to search what he could of something to counteract his flawed eyesight. There was a definite solution on him, he knew, but the glasses case buried somewhere on his possession was considered a dead last resort. Otherwise, those days of having them as his sole option were over and done with. His investigation was thorough, but unfortunately, his results came up fruitless with no lenses available.

Giving up, he exited the caravan to catch up with the other four and hurry into the vacant passenger’s seat in the Regalia before it finally drove off along the world around it. His only hope now was for supplies to be low enough for warranting a pit stop at the nearest store of some sorts, or at least somewhere he can pick up some new spares. Luckily in recent days, he’d been thoroughly reminded to digitally order replacements by a certain team strategist, but there was no telling when the chance to claim them would come. A gunsman’s aim-precise eyes certainly depended on excellent vision, and in a way, so did the entire team.

“So! Ignis, where’s our next destination?” Prompto asked next to him, knowing subtlety was key in his strategy to get his lens replacements. “Anything we gotta do first?”

“Actually, our first order of business is none too far from the Disc of Cauthess,” Ignis noted. “Seems we’ve run low on a few things, and waiting to get them is out of the question.”

“I couldn’t agree more! The sooner, the better; the more supplies, the merrier! So, no need to wait on it.”

“What’s your hurry for?” Lightning inquired, suspicious. “It’s just a run-of-the-mill supply run. We’ve done them hundreds of times.”

“Oh, I know that, it’s just, umm… you never know what you’ll find there that’s useful. And I’m just curious on what’s ‘in store’ for us.”

Lightning rolled her eyes at the quip and slouched back a bit further in her seat. “I guess. Whatever floats your boat, Prompto.”

Prompto knew the excuse was flimsier than wet paper, but if it got Lightning to not interrogate him any further thanks to her lack of concern, then he wasn’t gonna complain anytime soon. His secret plot was to rightfully claim his contact lenses in the proper place, find a place to hide and put them in, and the others would remain none the wiser without being slowed down in the slightest. Until then, however, he’d be stuck in the car unable to so much as fully enjoy the moving sights around him. And what photographer could be truly happy at being unable to see the full, beautiful world that made their digital easel? So much as thinking about it made him more antsy than usual, Prompto exerting it in the form of impatiently bouncing his leg due to only so much space in the Regalia.

He was too distracted by his hasty need for his contacts that he didn’t notice the sky blue eyes of Lightning staring a hole in his skull from the seat behind him. The only feeling compelling her to stare was her good old friend skepticism. Though definitely none of her direct concern, Prompto seemed up to something. But, what was it? That answer she didn’t quite know just yet.

Ignis pulled the car up next to one of the gas tanks, his suggestion to Noctis and Gladio on filling it up for the road taken without much question from either. Lightning got up to stretch her legs and see if anything was of necessary interest in the Mini-Mart, while Prompto went a little further a distance to see if his guess was correct. To his relief, he found what he’d expected to be in the area’s vicinity. It didn’t let him stray so far from the others that the Regalia was out of sight, but it was still a bit of a walk away on its own.

Okay, en-bee-dee, Prompto kept reassuring himself. Just a little trip to the nearest little pharmacy; in and out, then nothing happened from the others’ perspective. Walking in was a lot easier when only strangers he didn’t feel as self-conscious around were also minding their own business like he was non-existent. They were oblivious to who he was as a person and everything; the perfect getaway, he could say! In and out, then he’s run about!

“Hello, Sir, how may I help you?” the optical center clerk greeted. “Are you here to pick up something?”

“Yeah. I’ve got my prescription,” Prompto told them, surrendering the proof that he was medically approved to be there. “I’m here for my spares.”

The clerk looked it over carefully, nodding once the written prescription was validated and approved. “Just give me a few minutes and I’ll be right back out with the brand. It’s the monthly ones, right?”

“Yup! I know they say ‘daily is healthy’, but… turns out it depends on the person.” Prompto let out a laugh under his breath. That was certainly not an agonizing road he wanted to go back down again. Better safe than sorry!

The clerk took about as long as they’d promised. In “Prompto Time”, however, it felt as though every second passed was a minute wasted. He nervously clung to the hope of the others not having gotten done sooner and were presently waiting on their energetic youngest member. Just when it felt like forever had almost gone by him, back came the solution to his trouble of the day. Prompto mutely sighed in relief, thanking them while taking his new supply of contact lenses and handling what he needed to in regards to officially purchasing them.

So as not to risk hitting the road blind as a bat, Prompto hurried into the nearest bathroom to put them in his eyes. In accordance with his process, Prompto removed no more than his fingerless gloves and washed the hands underneath. His studded wristbands got a bit damp from the watery suds, but he couldn’t have cared less. Under the warm gusts of the hand dryer his palms went, rubbing each other all over to eliminate every layer of water.

And now… the harder part he dreaded so much. Two tiny dome-shaped, colorless terrors waiting to torture Prompto until he was to manage in getting them over the two most sensitive organs in his head. Nonetheless, he opened the box and took out the first pair, peeling off their wrapping and concentrating on his reflection. One wrong move, and it’d be over for him and his vision. Spreading his first pair of lids apart with his thumb and pointer finger, Prompto used the other index one to use as an applicator.

“Just a little further…” Prompto gulped, shakily pressing the contact more towards the rim surrounding the stressed lavender-blue of his eye. When it got too close, he wound up giving into fear and setting his finger down to let him blink for relief. “Wait, okay, time out! I need a second…”

“You did remember to wash your hands first, right?” the sudden voice of Ignis asked from behind, startling Prompto into nearly poking his eye out with the younger’s shriek.

“Ignis! Dude, don’t do that! But, yes, I washed my hands, I promise. What— are you doing here, by the way?”

“Tracking down my AWOL friend, who I knew to be running a bit low on his own supplies. Did you find what you needed?”

“Yep! Should be good for a long while!” Prompto looked behind Ignis, even near spots most wouldn’t detect so easily. “Nobody… followed you, did they? Like say…”

“If it’s Light you’re worried about seeing you, then no, she’s waiting in the car. Even if she had followed me, I believe you’d be more than safe in the men’s bathroom.”

“Right, right! Just making sure is all! You never know, you know…?”

“I ‘know’ that there’s also no harm in her finding out about your poor eyesight. I doubt she’d care too much if she knew, anyways.”

“Well, sure, but… let’s just say some things are just better off totally left behind without the reminder. And besides, there’s no harm in not telling her, either! For now, ignorance is bliss.”

“At least, until she gets too suspicious and finds out one way or another. You aren’t exactly among the best at ‘acting natural’, Prompto. Especially when you’re nervous.”

Prompto dismissed the notion, working on getting the first lens into his eye. “I’ll be fine, Iggy. What Light will never know won’t hurt her~.”

“One way or another, something’s bound to happen. But, on the subject. These lenses? They are not meant to be worn to sleep.”

In response, Prompto first let out a mock-buzzer noise while crossing his arms into an X-shape. “Wrong, Iggy! I was sure to get the monthly ones that are a little safer. Besides, that was like one time I did that!” Seeing the raised brow on Ignis’ forehead made Prompto backtrack, knowing he’d been seen right through like glass. “...Plus— okay, maybe two others, but I know that now! Thanks… anyways, though. It won’t happen again, I promise.”

“I’ve enough faith in you to uphold that, but also give your eyes time to ‘breathe’ to be at your safest. And, do know that there’s no harm in a certain someone learning something new.”

Ignis left Prompto to finish putting his contacts in peacefully, having no need to tell him where to go afterwards. One down, the other to go. His fingers were shaky, but gripped the lens for dear life to do everything in his power not to drop it. At a snail’s pace, towards the other eye it went until its rim made a perfect contact around the iris. Winking a few times to get the plastic to stick, Prompto moved both eyes back and forth behind his lids, settling on a good enough feel for the new contacts in place.

“Ah, that’s better,” Prompto sighed, happy to see everything clearer than before. “Thank the Six for ‘boneless glasses’ to make my life just a little easier!”

Cleaning out his contact lens case with enough disinfecting solution and putting them in the Armiger’s storage system for ultimate safety, Prompto looked both ways and around on the outside of the men’s room. When the coast was clear, he shuffled out of the store uttering the appropriate “stealth music” as if a spy on a deathly mission. He ducked around some of the aisle shelves to hide himself occasionally, holding a long note once at the entrance before springing out of the building.

“Haha! Completely nailed it!” Prompto boasted, hurrying his way back to the Coernix Station - Cauthess while looking back at the pharmacy he’d escaped from. “And just in time to hit the— ROAD!”

“There you are,” Lightning said, knuckles on her hips and slightly hunched forward to show more of her disapproval at the spooked boy. “Missed you at the shop. Where’d you decide to wander off to?”

“N— Oh, nowhere, Light! The shop just didn’t have what I needed to pick up, so I found someplace else!” Prompto grew even more anxious at the well-known glare being as strong as ever thrown right at him. “I’m telling the truth! I didn’t go too far!”

“You’re up to something, Argentum.”

“Yeah, I am. I’d say about… five-foot-eight? Not as tall as Gladio or Ignis, but you’ve got a little catching up to do—”

“—You know what I mean, don’t be wise. What are you hiding?”

“Me? I’d never hide a thing, ma’am! I’m Prompto ‘Open Book’ Argentum, that’s me!”

“If you’re such an open book, then you’ve got no reason to be so scared of telling me the truth. What is it, already? Spill it.”

Just then, the savior in the form of the Regalia pulled up and honked the horn, courtesy of Noctis driving up front. “You two having fun over there? Whatever you’re talking about can be said in the car, too.”

“Can it, Prince,” Lightning hissed coldly, getting in one of the two remaining seats. “This conversation isn’t over, Prompto. I’m letting you know that now.”

Gulping, Prompto sat himself down in the car, giving Noctis wordless permission to drive onwards again. Thankfully, he was separated from Lightning in the back thanks to Gladio sitting between them. A bit of a tight fit considering how large the man was, but nothing close to “excruciatingly unbearable”. Even with a living barrier between them, Prompto got chills tingling his spine in the worst way possible whenever he was faced the brunt of Lightning’s infamous staredown. Six, if looks could kill, then he’d have been vaporized by now for gazing directly at such a goddess in woman form that had as much beauty as she did perseverance. All he had to do for the time being was work his way around her suspicion until she forgot about it enough, and he’d be home free! After all, how hard could that be to try and get away with…?

The next time they stopped for a while to camp out later on in the day, Prompto sought the opportunity to celebrate his new contact lenses. He did so in the form of, what else, taking advantage of the exquisite outdoor scenery. Letting everyone else know he’d return in due time, Prompto set off to a remote area of the woods with his camera in hand, on the hunt for whatever might catch his eye and become a future memory of the past. Such a moment would be even better with someone else there to also experience the magic with him, but— as much as he’d rather stay far away from the nastier parts of it— nature was bound to have something to tickle his fancy within it.

Prompto took in everything about his surroundings to see what he could do for his little “indie photo op”, as he’d put it before stepping away from camp. Tripod, check. Camera, obvious. Light source? “On fleek”! Angling? Top-notch! Alright, everything was in place and nothing nearby that he could see to mess it up. Selecting his first snapshot spot, Prompto positioned his beloved camera in its standing hold, setting the timer for when it’d go off. Counting down the seconds; three, two…!

“There you are,” Lightning interrupted, scaring Prompto into stumbling into his tripod and accidentally taking a blurred photo of the ground instead of the nice view.

“And there goes my shot,” Prompto sighed, filling his lungs with his breath and exhaling to calm himself enough. “Light, at least warn me first before sneaking up on me like a serial killer!”

“If you’re mad about your dinky little photo, just take it again. This place isn’t going anywhere, but neither am I until you tell me the truth.”

“Oi-vey, there’s just no dropping that, is there? Why do you wanna know so badly, anyways?”

“Because if it wasn’t something worth hiding, you wouldn’t be dodging the question so much. Now, fess up, Argentum. I’d hate to resort to ‘less pleasant’ ways of getting you to talk.”

Prompto found himself sweating in the brow and backing away, one step in reverse synchronized with Lightning’s forward. “There’s nothing to say, already! I’m not hiding a thing!”

“I don’t buy it. Either tell me and let me leave you alone, or don’t tell me and only make this harder on yourself. Make the right choice.”

He’d run out of options, and inner shame prevented him from potentially making for an awkward confession. So, between fighting it or flight, Prompto chose the impulsive option of the latter with his beloved camera in hand. He could always come back for the tripod later once he didn’t have a rosy-haired warrior out for his past. Although it was common sense to know Lightning was chasing after him, Prompto gave into looking back at her anyways and running faster before turning his head around again. When he did, all he received was a faceful of tree bark smacking him right against the face, his camera falling to the soft ground unharmed when his hands went to cover achingly where he got hit.

“Looks like you’re out of options, Argen—” Lightning started to say until she realized Prompto sank to the ground covering his face. Her irritation cooled into an odd sense of concern, now going over to inspect the man more carefully. “Wait, are you hurt?”

“Mmm-mmm,” Prompto got out, something crystalline falling from his left eye and sticking to his upper cheek. When he felt it, he gasped. “Don’t come any closer, okay?”

Lightning grew more worried, especially at the sight of what seemed to be a tear. Did she go too far in pressuring him into injuring himself? That was quite a run into the tree he just did… “I have to make sure nothing’s broken. Are you bleeding?”

“No! Stay back! I’m fine!”

Lightning disobeyed and removed Prompto’s hands from his face. To her relief, he didn’t seem to be bleeding or bruised, but strangely, neither eye seemed damp with any tears. How that could be was unknown to her, but then she looked closer at what was really stuck on a freckle. Against Prompto’s further protest, Lightning picked it up and squeezed it between two gloved fingers while examining it a little better. After a few seconds, she recognized what it’d been if not a salted tear of pain like she initially believed.

“...It’s a contact lens,” Lightning pointed out, still looking at it until Prompto snatched it back from her. “Why do you have a contact lens on you?”

“N— Not important,” Prompto mumbled, trying to slip the lens back into his eye, but to no avail without the proper concentration.

“Sounds so to me. Look.” Lightning knelt down in front of Prompto, getting him to look at the new gentleness her eyes now held for him, not a trace of force to be seen on her. “If this was what everything was all about, you can tell me. Unless you really are somehow secretly conspiring against the others, then I have no reason to get that much on your case over a little contact lens.”

“You thought I was—? No! Never!” Prompto sounded almost offended that she’d think that of him, but in all fairness, he was acting a little off his loop from trying to hide his secret from her. “...I dunno if I can tell you, though. I wanted to make a good impression on— well, someone who’s never met me before this.”

“You’d have better luck by being honest. Trust me, I’ve had my share of bad news, so since you’re not putting anyone’s life in danger, whatever you have in you, I can take.”

Before he could think of any other objection, Lightning sat down next to him against the tree, picking up his camera and brushing off the dirt it’d acquired from the fall. She checked it over to see if it’d gotten cracked or anything of the sort, but was pleased to hand it back to Prompto when it looked as intact as ever. Prompto frowned; there was no way out of this, was there? And it’d be rude to leave a lady unanswered when she’d so sincerely asked, so… time to face the music, it seemed. Astrals, this was gonna suck.

“Well, as you could probably guess, my vision’s not the best in the world,” Prompto confessed, a sheepish laugh leaving his throat. “That’s why I gotta wear contact lenses to— ya know, fix that. Can’t be a photographer or gunsman that can’t see, can you?”

“Then how come you don’t just get glasses?” Lightning wondered as Prompto used his phone reflection to fight the lens back over his vision hole. “It seems harder to put those things in, doesn’t it? One wrong move, and you’d never see again.”

“It’s not so tough once you get used to it and take care of them the right way. And I am never going back to wearing glasses again when I don’t have to! They look fine on Iggy, but count me out!”

“So, you did used to wear them? Why’d you stop?”

“That’s kinda where the whole ‘I’d rather not talk about this’ part comes in. When I was a kid, I didn’t just wear glasses. Believe it or not, I also actually used to be pretty chunky and more of a turtle. Always in my shell and whatnot, you know?”

Lightning didn’t say it aloud, but the revelation did surprise her. Trying to picture a younger, slightly more plump Prompto that couldn’t so much as speak his mind sounded completely foreign to her. But, he also sounded… different in telling his tale. There wasn’t the usual buoyancy to really be heard, or too much of the wise-cracking nature she was more familiar with. No, all Lightning could hear was more of a sadder little boy wearing a sunnier mask to hide a past he wasn’t proud of. She logically kept her full judgement in line, wanting to hear more to see what else there was to it.

“You don’t say?” Lightning commented. “First, on you needing glasses back then, why was that? I’d have figured a noble from Lucis would be able to afford something ridiculous like laser eye surgery, or—”

“—Eh? ‘Noble’, who? If you’re talking about me, I’m afraid you’ve got the wrong guy there, Pink,” Prompto laughed uneasily. “I could never be able to pay for that.”

“You’re not a noble? How could that be; you’re travelling with a prince of all kinds of people!”

“I know. I’m as surprised as you are, trust me. But, alack, I am but a commoner in a group of rich men! Even so, I honest to the Six doubt Pop would have been able to afford getting eye correction surgery for me. Shit’s expensive, lady!”

“Fair enough. Then, how did you get into the Crownsguard if you’re just normal?”

Prompto’s face grew even more sullen, looking at the camera between his fingers without a hint of his usual smile. “That’s what I’d like to know. It’d be super nice to think ‘wow, all my hard work paid off, so I got to be worthy of joining’, but… I just can’t believe it’s anywhere close to the truth. Sure, I got in; lost the weight, did the work, yadda-yadda. But really, even with Pop training me to get here today, I just don’t know if I’d have done so well on my own anyways.”

“It… sounds really important to you. Then, why go through so much if you feel this way?”

“To be honest with myself? A big reason’s all because I wanted to be worth something to Noct. Oh, and that’s besides him being a prince dealing with a commoner and stuff, too. My bestie’s kinda my ‘firstie’ too, if you know what I’m saying.”

Lightning scoffed, rolling her eyes more at the mention of Noctis than Prompto’s friendship with him. “Leave it to the little snob of a prince to hold such expectations on you. He’s got two others that aren’t broken, so why rope you into it?”

“What? Oh! No, no, Pink, you’ve got it all wrong!” Prompto’s tone grew more frantic, realizing he’d planted an accidental misconception in the ex-soldier’s head. “Look, I get you and Noct would rather not wanna deal with each other, but believe me. I’ve known the guy since at least high school; he’s a total sweetheart once you see enough underneath the surface! A little crabby, sure, but he’s really not anywhere as bad as you’re making him out to be.”

“More power to you, then, because I’m not seeing it. Whatever, this is about you, not him.”

“In a way, it’s kinda both. If it weren’t for how my friendship with Noct started, then I dunno where I’d be now. Me wanting to both protect him and be a good enough friend to him is what got me started on the road to changing who I was into someone much better. I’m not sure if I’ve totally succeeded yet, but if I’ve been with him this long, maybe I’m doing something okay for once? Maybe you don’t understand what I’m saying, but to put it all simply, Noct’s done nothing but help me all these years. And all I wanna do is do it back and keep doing it for as long as possible.”

...Wow. At that moment, that was the only word Lightning could form in her mind. She may not have understood why Prompto was going to such lengths for someone like Noctis, but if there was something she did get, it was the gunsman’s process. And though Gladio and Ignis she was beyond fine with as people once she’d gotten to know enough of them, something with Prompto resonated with her in a way those two hadn’t quite achieved (at least, not yet to her knowledge). Maybe it was on the fact at not being the only common person after all Now that he’d said that to her, but whatever it was, Lightning was curious enough to know more.

“Let’s just say I wouldn’t go and say I don’t understand where you’re coming from,” Lightning admitted. “To want to change so badly to make someone you care about the most happy… you’re not as off base as you think.”

“Really, now? Anyone back home make you feel that way?” Prompto wondered. “Like a best friend you’ve got yourself?”

“Yes, and no. Just know I’d do anything to see them have a good life. I can only hope I did enough to make that happen, considering every horrible mistake I’ve made.”

“Assuming they’re still around, if they seem to be doing okay because of you, then… well, lo hiciste, you did it!”

“Sh— they’re thankfully alive and breathing, but I can’t help but worry if I ever did enough or not. And even if I did, what now? Will they still need me anymore?”

‘This would be a little easier if I knew how close she was to the person she’s talking about.’ Prompto worded what he wanted to carefully. It wasn’t every day Lightning have off such a vulnerable aura, so the last thing he wanted to do was make her more upset. “If you ask me, just being able to stand by them and know you could help them go far in life sounds like reward enough. Sure, maybe you can’t be together forever and ever, but knowing you made an impact comes just as close.”

“And how would I know if my impact even mattered? For all I can tell, they could be fine without me. Better, even.”

“One way of seeing it? They may be able to live their own life just fine, but it’s hard to forget how they got to that life in the first place. If you impact enough, they’ll be sure to never take that for granted.”

Hardly even realizing it immediately, Lightning felt her heart mellow out a tad melancholically the more she thought about her most cherished protectorate. All the foolish mistakes she’d made along the way she may not have been ready to forgive herself entirely for, but in where everyone from Cocoon and Gran Pulse now were, she’d do anything to keep it how it’d become in the end. Now, of all the people to find that appeared to understand her in that way, it’s Prompto who claims such a spot.

“Those are some wise words coming from you of anyone,” Lightning told him. “Never imagined it’d be from the same person who’s compared gloves to being ‘hand condoms’, either.”

“Light, that’s only the beginning of my endless wisdom,” Prompto said proudly before simmering back down in his tone again. “But, frankly? I’m more surprised you were so willing to listen that easily. I’ve only really said all that to Noct.”

“It’d be ‘pot calling the kettle black’ if I gave you such a rough time about this. But, if you ask me, it really looks like you’re on the right track, even if you think you aren’t.”

“Can’t stop you if you wanna think that, but all I can do is keep trying and see if I can succeed. Until then, there’s no saying for sure.”

“Well, considering you’re already pulling more weight out here than any nobody could hope to, I’d say you’re making the progress you need. Hell, you’d give Sazh a run for his money if he saw how well you work a pistol. And he uses two!”

“Right! Now, for my next question; who the heck is Sazh?” Prompto in asking it sounded closer to his more chipper side, but was just as unfamiliar with the comparison.

“A friend back home. I think you’d like him just fine.” Lightning started counting off a few fingers, fishing out the similarities. “You’re both top-notch gunsmen, wise-cracking even in the tightest of situations, have a fondness for chocobos—”

“—Wait, wait, hold up! This friend of yours also sees the true glory of Eos’ finest creatures?! Do tell, Miss Farron! Don’t keep a guy waiting!”

Lightning couldn’t help but softly laugh at Prompto’s enthusiasm for once. That certainly got his attention. “It’s more his son, Dajh, that’s crazy about them. But, if keeping a chocobo chick in his hair amounts to anything, I’d say he’s a huge fan of them, too.”

“He keeps a chocobo chick in—! Get out! I’ve— that clinches it! I gotta meet this man someday! I just gotta, Pink! I’ve gotta learn his ways! How could I have been so blind?!”

Lightning pat Prompto a few times on the head, appearing to quell his innumerable excitement levels. “Easy does it, Sunspot. I’m sure he’d forgive you for taking a while to do that. But, while we’re on it, how did you get so good at firing a gun?”

“Well, I hate to keep bringing my pop into this, but back when I was still in training, he found my aim wasn’t just top-notch in taking a few snaps. Turns out projectiles are just my calling, too.”

“And I may as well ask this, too, but who is your dad? He sounds a little more than just another commoner. Is he a veteran?”

“You could say that, but you’ve met him already! He’s the same guy who sent you to travel with us in the first place!”

“What? But that was—” Lightning stopped, eyes widening when she realized who Prompto was talking about. She looked at his sunny, almost cutesy-looking mug, then comparing it to the complete 180 of his apparent parentage. “...No way. The Marshal?! Cor Leonis is your dad of all people?!”

“Yes… and no. Obviously, we’re not blood related, but he sorta adopted me as a baby. Then, eventually, he had to give me up to my… other parents. So, I guess I grew up the rest of the way with them.”

“He had to give you up? Why?”

“Guess it had to do with him being leader of the Crownsguard and all. Someone like that can’t balance such a huge responsibility and a kid, so he didn’t have a choice on it at all.”

“Then, how come you still call him your dad if he’s technically not anymore?”

“I try not to when I need to be formal or in front of other Guard members, but honestly, I still pretty much consider him my father even though I had to go somewhere else.” Prompto’s mouth flattened into another frown, this one as wistful as the ones before it. “Hard to admit, but he’s the only older adult figure in my life there enough to earn that title. My… folks weren’t exactly home too much, so I mostly had to look after myself all the time.”

“They left their kid on his own just like that?! Some ‘parents’ ya got there. Actually, I don’t think I should use that word. If they were really your mom and dad, then they shouldn’t leave their kid behind when it’s still in their control. If it wasn’t? Different story. But, that’s not the case here, is it?”

“Well, I— look, Pink, bad mouthing them isn’t the answer. Can’t change how I was brought up, so… what, huh?”

“I don’t care in the slightest. Prompto, you don’t deserve to be practically ignored by the two people meant to be there for you the most. I’m not accepting it, and neither should you, Mister.”

“It’s not like I ‘accept’ it, exactly. It’s— I just wish… you know…”

The words faded on Prompto’s tongue, but were replaced by a quiet gasp at what happened next. Of all the things to get from Lightning for any reason, her arms wrapped around his body in a strangely maternal embrace was definitely not one he expected. But, for once, it simmered his heart into steady, rather sad thumps. He didn’t find it appropriate to hug back, but it appeared Lightning wasn’t going to let go of him just yet. Although it was his primary thought, it didn’t seem to be a hug of empty pity; even at her rare warmest, the woman to him never appeared as the type to go and show something so pointless for another person. Rather, the display felt as comforting to Prompto as it did secretly unearned.

“You’re doing just fine. You just have to not quit while you’re ahead,” Lightning reassured him. “I haven’t been here as long as you four, but I’m sure they’d have said something by now if you weren’t at least close to good enough. Real friends stick by you from start to finish, but also know when you’re falling behind on what’s really crucial.”

“That sounds true and all, but…” Prompto silenced himself, shaking his head without the desire to say too much more. “Nevermind. You’re right; I shouldn’t overreact or turn into a real ‘Debbie Downer’ here.”

“I never said you were. Feeling low’s gonna happen against your control; it’s what you do with it is what makes the difference. I’m nobody to tell anyone else how to feel, but I can at least encourage you not to throw your hopes out the window just yet. Think you’d be able to do that?”

“Hmm, dunno. I’ve already got bad eyesight, so it’s not like I’ve got better ‘future sight’, either. But, man! Would if I could, Light. Would if I could.”

Lightning could feel a delicate little smile tug at her mouth corners hearing Prompto regain the laugh in his voice. “Careful what you wish for. Being able to see into the future might not be as nice as you think.”

“What makes you say that? Having that as a superpower would rock! Unless— yeah, maybe some things are just not meant to be seen before they happen. Is that why?”

“Among… other reasons people wouldn’t like it. Bottom line, I’d rather you waited and saw, and not saw and waited. You got that?”

“I gotcha! Won’t see any ESP from me, lay-dee! But, you mind if we get going? I did say I was only gonna be gone for a little bit. Don’t want everyone thinking I almost became bear chow again.”

“It is a good time to— wait, ‘again’? What do you mean ‘again’?”

“Nothing that’s not best left in the past! It was before you came along, and we’re all fine now! Don’t you worry your pretty pink little head there.”

Having done enough of interrogating Prompto for one day, Lightning left it at that and got herself off the ground. She was about to turn the other way hoping to be followed, when Prompto let out a loud, energetic gasp after looking at his camera again. Without explaining himself, he grabbed Lightning by the wrist and ran in the direction of where she’d originally chased him from. Besides not wanting to leave his poor tripod all by its lonesome, having another person with him in such a great spot was a photo opportunity just begging on its knees for him to take it.

And just who was he to up and refuse it so rudely?

“Really, Prom, we’ve gotta go,” Lightning insisted as Prompto set her up in front of the tripod and camera like a living prop. “Can’t this wait until later?”

“Not a chance!” Prompto chirped, making sure everything on his camera was all set and in position. “Why pass up the chance of a lifetime in getting a nice snap with my favorite photogenic newcomer?”

“If you wanted a selfie, then you don’t need my help with that,” Lightning quipped, hiding her smirk behind a few fingers at the consequent stunned blush on Prompto’s face born from the comment.

“Oh, fair maiden, how you flatter a clown. But, nope! You’ve gotta be in the shot; no way out until this memory’s made!” Prompto set the timer up, running to where Lightning was and readying himself for the shoot. “Smile for the camera, Pink! It loves ya!”

Lightning never really considered herself a “camera person”, but with how little time she had to think about it before the camera went off and captured her appearance in the moment, she did what first came to her mind. Giving off the most modest of her smiles, the shutter went off and immortalized the exact moment and pose the two were in. Prompto went to go look at his new photograph, rather pleased with the almost punkish way he had his tongue stuck out and the peace sign fingers on the hand belonging to the arm he’d wrapped around Lightning’s shoulders without actually making physical contact. As for his female companion in the snapshot, hers didn’t seem like anything to write home about, but nothing of it wiped even a bit away of the smile on his face.

“Another shot gotten! And this one’s the first to be blessed full-on by such a gracious presence!” Prompto beamed, making loops around the moon from how happy he was to have gotten a photo with Lightning. “Hey, why don’t you see how it came out, too? No need to let you miss out on it.”

“Why don’t you show me while we’re heading back to camp?” Lightning suggested, hauling the tripod under her arm and allowing Prompto to follow in her steps. “Nothing against you doing what you like, but we were supposed to head back a while ago.”

“Yeah, yeah, of course! And since we’re doing it now, take a quick look!” Prompto put the camera in front of Lightning’s eyes, the screen still on its most recent picture.

“Easy with— ...oh.” Lightning saw how the photo came out, rather impressed by the expert-level accuracy and the fact that even her more mild expression didn’t lower any of the quality either. “Gotta say, for someone that needs contacts, you’ve really got an eye for the camera.”

“I’ve had two for as long as I can remember. This journey’s not gonna last forever, so I might as well make a way to capture it for as long— WHOA!”

Lightning immediately ducked and caught Prompto by hugging her arms around to his torso, pulling him back up onto his feet hiding her suppressed urge to laugh. “Maybe tell me more on the way back. While looking where you’re going, of course.”

“That can be arranged. See, it all started when…”

Ignis was in the middle of getting the last few minor touches on camp set up, at the same time Gladio and Noctis were preoccupying themselves a distance from him with a harmless sparring match. Their combat reminded him personally to take a good look at his recently acquired Mythril Knives to ensure they were ready for use next time the team was to be under attack by the forces of evil or wilderness. His ears picked up on faint chatter past the sound of swords clashing and a prince rapidly warping, further investigation informing him that the culprits were the previously absent Prompto and Lightning. The ecstatic storytelling from his blond friend was nothing new, but the interested placid smile on his pink-haired one certainly provided some questions on what happened between them in the woods.

“—Then, I got attacked by a horde of angry baboons! As if that wasn’t bad enough, this leopard comes along and tried to take a bite of me in the worst way possible!” Prompto recited to a fascinated Lightning, Ignis recalling exactly the moment in question on one of the detours taken before they’d even officially set out on their current mission. “All because I wanted to snap a pic of this cute little baby monkey I saw, too! Was that so wrong?”

“You might have just scared the thing with your camera,” Lightning guessed. “What’s harmless to people might not be so to a wild animal. It probably mistook you for a hunter.”

“Still no excuse to try and get me killed! The little…” Prompto grumbled, trailing off and ending the bitter sentence in his head. “Any jungles where you’re from, Pink?”

“Not where I’m living now, no. But, where I was born, the closest I can think of is the Sunleth Waterscape. Never been myself; my sister and a few of our friends passed through it, though.”

“Bummer. Was that awesome ‘Sazh’ guy you were talking about one of those people?”

Lightning nodded. “Him and Vanille went at the same time. Speaking of which, you act a lot like her, too. I think you almost have her beat in the ‘perky youth’ department. And… some other more personal things you’ve got in common, too.”

“I won’t make you say things you don’t wanna, but my ‘Light’s friends I just gotta meet’ list is growing!”

“Maybe when I go back home, you can find time to visit. I’m sure they’d get a kick out of you.” Lightning’s voice had a noticeable lightheartedness to it, imagining the sheer chaos of Prompto meeting her loved ones back home.

“It sounds like you two had a good time out?” Ignis inquired, finally getting the two’s attention on him. His glasses-covered eyes were particularly on Prompto asking it, who knew the reason why.

“Definitely nothing I was expecting, that’s for sure. Anything could end a lot worse, but I’m happy this didn’t.”

“That makes two of us, sister!” Prompto agreed, bringing up the new photo of him and Lightning on his camera. “And guess who also finally got the ultimate selfie today? This guy, that’s who!”

“You finally partook in one of Prompto’s photos, Light? I always thought you to be the camera-shy type,” Ignis said, scanning the camera screen with intrigue.

“I’m not much for taking them, but it came out really well,” Lightning admitted. “As long as Prom doesn’t ask me to take too many of them, I don’t mind getting another in for him.”

“Do you really mean that?!” Prompto squeaked, beyond joyous.

“I just might. I don’t have ‘future sight’ either, though. We’ll just see where things go after this.”

Lightning only left it at that after, flashing Prompto another kind glance before going over to request a sparring match of her own with Gladio after Noctis concluded his with him. It hadn’t gone past Prompto’s cleared up eyes at all, the ecstatic shutterbug still feeling his innards doing giddy flips and turns about the events that’d transpired overall. He found himself smiling with his sunny aura after Lightning, freezing when he’d caught the look on Ignis’ face, too.

“Seems you’ve made a friend in her,” Ignis pointed out. “I’d have to be halfway blind to think she isn’t starting to warm up to you.”

“You really think so?” Prompto breathed, scratching one cheek with his pointer finger.

“I’ve more than a feeling. Not as scary as you thought her finding about your contact lenses was going to be, was it?”

“Pish-pish, lucky guess. Turns out, a lot of things that’s bothered me, she’s been on the same ride just as bad.”

“And yet a lot remains a mystery about our newest comrade. However, enough has certainly come to ‘Light’ with her since she joined us.”

Prompto laughed, quickly catching onto the discreet humor. “Can’t know everything about everybody, of course. Especially since there’s some things we just don’t know the answer to.” At the same time he said that, he fixed the black bands covering his right wrist so they wouldn’t reveal anything the mystery mark underneath.

“Which is perfectly fine. Everyone has their skeletons in the closet, big or small. It’s only a matter of how people take them is what makes the difference.”

Prompto couldn’t argue with that, being unable to avoid looking at not just Noctis toying around on a favored game on his smartphone, but also Lightning performing an impressive deflecting of Gladio’s strike. He still couldn’t fully believe what happened today did, nevermind actually reaching this point in his life. And yet, somehow, here he was; still among the Crownsguard of all things, and making a new friend that turned out to be sailing in the same boat as him in a way.

Another person— Lightning, no less, was more than willing to encourage him from her own honest faith alone. She’d joined Noctis in rooting for him, so Prompto had to be a fool to do so much as consider letting her own too because he couldn’t live up to the simplest of expectations. Whether or not he was sure he’d succeed in the end aside from his personal lack of true confidence, nothing was an excuse to stop after every step taken in the first place.

Prompto tapped one closed eyelid each gingerly, making sure what stuck to his eyes behind them were both secure. He laughed once to himself. Of all the ways possible he could have shared such a deep moment in the woods with someone, it had to be over a measly pair of contact lenses. Small world, he thought. Small world, indeed.

[jooycebond]

Caring Continues

Hence, most of them stopped believing in the future, they stopped dreaming. And that’s quite sad, right? Imagine children without dreams? Children without faith in themselves and what the future holds for them?

For our our first attempt to help them realize that they are important part of our society and that there are people who believe in them, we worked harder to let them join us in UP Los Banos.We raised funds from our own little ways to fund their trip and did a benefit concert* where they shared their excellent talents with the UPLB community.*All proceeds went to fund their immediate needs including supply of food. When I was in college, one thing I was too excited about was to be part of an organization that I like. Not like the usual academic clubs and organizations in high school where we were forced to be part of, in UP, we have the liberty to choose our organizations.

I have many options. I can choose an academic organization that can help me get through my studies; a varsitarian organization that can help me link with people who have the same interests or roots; a debate organization that can give me trainings –there is just too many to choose from.

But I chose to be part of UP SIBOL, a socio-civic organization that helps the marginalized sector through outreach and development-oriented programs.

Helping the marginalized? It seems ambitious. As an ideal college sophomore, I had that level of ambition to contribute to something bigger than myself. Something that I think I can achieve through UP SIBOL.

And yes, it helped me. A lot.

When I got in through a process that felt like hell, prime motivation was still aligned with SIBOL’s mission of uplifting the lives of many communities through little ways of a student-led organization. We have several outreach programs that cater to the kids, indigenous peoples, mothers, and many more sectors that needed attention.

It gave me something to look forward to. It provided an avenue for my passion to serve the community.

Joining means you care

I am no rich kid. I came from a middle-class family that happens to encounter financial struggles every now and then. But I grew in a family of givers — no matter how small, we should always share. That’s what my mom taught us when I was a kid and she continues to influence us ’til this day.

When I joined UP SIBOL, it felt like I am finally leading a life with purpose.

I remember so vividly my first activity as a newbie in my organization. We had our annual Street Kids initiative where we held a Christmas outreach program with the abandoned kids of Laguna.

It was a fulfilling first of many.

I can still remember the night before our outreach, we were too busy preparing food items and collecting Christmas gifts for the kids. With no decent sleep the next day, my heart gained tons of happy cells and energy when I saw smiles from the kids when they received their Christmas gifts.

We had so much fun. I had so much fun and it felt really good.

And that was the beginning of my journey of sharing a part of my self to the people I think we have to give our attention to — the poor and the marginalized.

Deeper, meaningful programs

Our programs expanded from catering to the street and abandoned kids, to providing opportunities for mothers to receive alternative learning.

It was one of the things I really liked about SIBOL �� arms wide-open — we are ready to extend assistance in any possible way that we can as a student organization.

And when I got back from my study program in South Korea, I was too happy to know that we are finally touching more lives of not just kids but IP kids.

The Aetas of Zambales gave us another opportunity to extend our hands and hearts to the community.

AETAguyod is a brainchild by one of my seniors (also one of my early mentors in the organization), Sonny.

When Sonny was elected President of the organization, he had a chance to pitch the program to the members and alumni of UP SIBOL.

Sonny envisioned it holistically address the immediate needs of the indigenous kids in a school run by Franciscan nuns in Zambales. This school provides IP kids an opportunity to receive primary education for free including daily meals and lodging. However, like any other social institution, the school lacks sustainable funding and has difficulties in many aspects.

Sharing a piece of ourselves

More than helping them receive donations and immediate supplies, we wanted to empower them. That is for sure.  We believe that it is always more than the material things.

As most of the resident members are development communication students, we did series of community analyses on how we can help. We have personally learned from them their views and perspectives about our society as a whole.

It dawned upon us that more than the material things that we think they are lacking or haven’t had the privilege to enjoy, I personally felt that, what they lack is the confidence to face the world with their roots and culture. They are not proud of who they are.

They never felt that they were normal people experiencing discrimination on a regular basis. This made them feel like they are inferior individuals and that being an Aeta is something to be ashamed of.

Hence, most of them stopped believing in the future, they stopped dreaming.

And that’s quite sad, right?

Imagine children without dreams? Children without faith in themselves

and what the holds for them?

For our our first attempt to help them realize that they are important part of our society and that there are people who believe in them, we worked harder to let them join us in UP Los Banos.

We raised funds from our own little ways to fund their trip and did a benefit concert* where they shared their excellent talents with the UPLB community.

*All proceeds went to fund their immediate needs including supply of food.

They had fun and the people enjoyed every performance.

They were applauded and supported by the community.

We were touched by the fact that there are so many students who are willing to share a part of themselves in making the Aeta kids feel loved and valued.

On my own little contribution, when Sonny asked me to host the program with Bryan, I immediately said yes. It was surreal.

They thanked us, numerous times. But in reality, it wasn’t us who helped them. It was them who helped us realize so many things in life.

They weren’t just the ones with new dreams  — we learned to dream bigger as well, not just for ourselves, but for them. I think that’s the best thing I learned to treasure in my heart over the years. I won’t stop dreaming for others.

Caring continues

The concert was just the beginning of our journey with the AETA kids. We had several outreaches in the community. Conduct of learning experiences about proper nutrition, culture appreciation, livelihood making, and a lot more! We did our best to transfer knowledge that we have to their community that we think will be useful for them someday, or somehow.

UP SIBOL have been instrumental for me to realize that opportunities are limitless when it comes to giving and caring. I can always be an instrument in making someone’s life a little easier and lighter. I can’t sponsor a child (yet) but I know I can always try to be an inspiration to them to dream big and conquer their struggles.

There is a Chinese proverb that goes: “If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody.”

True enough, many people have claimed that the road to happiness is actually the road traveled by givers and carers. Happiness is found in caring for others.

I guess what I’m saying is this: I know for a fact that these things are so little compared to all the big battles we are all facing  — poverty. But I know for sure that if caring continues for these people, slowly, we are letting them know that they are not fighting the battle alone.

To know how you can help, send @UP SIBOL a private message on Facebook or talk to me (we have something exciting in the pipeline).

[cyanidekissesxoxo]

Personal connection to HFA paper... Call it the beginning of self-exploration?

I’m writing a personal connection paper to a study on High-Functioning Autism/Aspergers (which is a term I learned recently I guess is not as favored any more, but it’s been used - was the term I grew up with as far as other family members - and has identifiable traits that people not highly versed can identify with, so get over it.) I'd say do it.

My family is prone to HFA and ASD.. It has been suggested by family members over the years that I'm Asperger/HFA, but my dad & grandmother never pushed to test (my Dad is also most likely undiagnosed Aspergers/HFA), and I felt growing up that my aunt's coddlement of my cousin and his disabilities allowed him to use his disabilities as a sort of crutch through life, where he may have worked with them a little better otherwise, so I took the route of solidly denying any disability chance, and just told myself it was just personal shortcoming -- I needed to make extra effort to be organized, to be on task, etc.

In a way, I don't regret the path I took - I own and run a dog rescue at 26 that I did all the legal paperwork and filing on, I work 28 hours a week as a trainer, and people constantly compliment me on how motivated and put together I am... however, there's also major issues in my life that I'm working through and have led me to explore the ASDs a little more personally at this point:

- I have a horrible sense of organization. I gravitate towards the neatness of everything in places, boxes, etc.. but maintaining organization is horrible... in about a week, my car/room will go from spotless to like a homeless hurricane hit... I'm getting better about setting myself on a strict path of putting things back in their exact place as soon as I use them, and I do find myself thinking about it more, but still, I battle with chaos and disorder... paperwork seems to jumble itself, etc... Then I become stressed and non-functioning (or functioning out of necessity but not necessarily doing well), and this cycle repeats and repeats. As a child, I was a tornado too, but because there was no attempt to diagnose an illness (by 8th grade I was in IEP for being Emotionally Disturbed - a result of bringing part of my beloved knife collection to school which a friend used to cut herself after "borrowing" one, and I believe ADHD at that time as well, which I'll get into more late), so my messiness was seen as defiance, and punished.

- ADHD or HFA? & Substance abuse issues: In about 10th grade, I was put on Vyvanse for ADHD. I'd already been convinced to try meth by girls in the neighborhood I'd known since I was little, and it got out of control because the main benefit I saw was I WAS FINALLY GETTING THAT MATH HOMEWORK I WAS BEHIND ON DONE!!... well, Vyvanse made me get schoolwork done too, but in a jittery, hyper-focused way that reminded me too much of methamphetamine, so I used it on and off for school for maybe a school year, but it did not answer my problems long term, and was not enjoyable. If HFA is a contributer for these issues, it is possible that being diagnosed properly and treated in a different way would not have more beneficial effect than Vyvanse, and it's also possible that with proper support and help, I may not have chose/continued to use meth to try to catch up on math, because I could have had plans in place in school, and better management at home, to not get as behind as I did in the first place.

- (Un)Comfortable Conversation/Specialized Interests: Between the fallout from separating from a group of drug related people from above, conflict with my family from childhood on (my grandmother thought I was insolent and "taunting" her when I would SHRIEK in fear as a child of punishment, among other conflicts), and never really fitting in at school from a young age, and losing friends rapidly and telling my grandmother at home, who would wonder out loud, "How do you go through friends so fast? Are you doing something? Picking wrong friends?"... so from 3rd grade on, the self-belief that I was difficult to make friends with, I was different, and that my friendships weren't that strong because I couldn't relate to them in similar ways began to grow & got stronger over the years, and now as an adult, I go into almost panic attacks about new social situations sometimes, and it takes me a LONG time to trust, get close to new people, and they often consider me a friend before I've reached that comfort zone... not because I'm antisocial -- I can remember one of my earliest childhood grievances being: "I just want to be everyone's friend! I want everyone to like me!!!", but because I'm terrified, awkward, feel like a burden or sore thumb sometimes, and feel that I either talk waaaaay too much, or I can't make small talk like normal people do (what do you say? "Hey, so, beautiful weather we're having today!" sounds staged. Even if it didn't, what do I say after that? How do I keep the conversation going??!)...

Social Impact: If I had been diagnosed with HFA as a child by a medical professional (assuming I am), I could have possibly had action plans, exercises in developing social skills, being interested in a wider set of topics people want to talk about, not being SO excited to predict what someone's going to say and finishing their sentence, or slowly down with my eagerness to reply once I get talking. I could have grown up with less of the belief that it was something I was doing, that I pushed people away after a while or that I wasn't as good as their other friends --- in actuality, I had a lot of problem behavior as a child as you can see, and I gravitated to problem people throughout my life (in grade school, I have no answer for, other than moving from very diverse Anaheim to Temecula which was still pretty small, I was a culture shock in addition to all my oddities... but in the end of middle school up through high school, I hung out with kids who drank, smoked, and honestly burned through other people too, so this is a partial answer... but again, what behavioral and environmental aspects may have caused me to gravitate towards that type?..)

Adult impact: My biggest problem has come later in life. Throughout high school, I hung out with bad kids, like I said... I did great meeting new people, because I had a very comfortable approach of "Hi, I'm Mariah, let's get drunk and make bad decisions", and substance abuse was my crutch that allowed me to socialize, plus conversation is pretty easy and unjudged when everyone is drunk. However, turning 19 and getting away from those kind of people steadily til 23 left me realizing: I don't drink anymore.. NOW how do I talk to people?! This point was where I retreated a lot into the solace of my dogs, as I've done throughout my childhood, and the training/dog rescue/veterinary school aspiration began to take place. I am now 26 with all of this great stuff going on, but A) dogs are now my comfort zone. I'll talk your ear off about that with no social anxiety. If we're not talking about dogs, I'm still probably really uncomfortable and unable to casually maintain conversation as well. B) Dog rescue & training has become my therapy from my social awkwardnesses, and I push myself HARD to achieve for a continuous sense of self-satisfaction (which is generally pretty short-lived on my end: off to the next mountain to climb! And the next!)... I am now stressed, irritable, and experience panic attacks probably once a week. But also, because there is not much of a social group (I have accumulated a small but very important, intellectual, successful group, many who are working through very similar issues with themselves aside from organization), I have more time to overwork myself, when other people are out going to movies, doing random things, etc... So if I had more focus on developing and maintaining social confidence, that is possibly less grief I could have gone through.

For my family, and if I get the diagnosis when I see a medical provider, HFA is not a horrible diagnosis (I know I'm talking about all the negatives above) -- my family is phenomenally more intellectual than anyone I know, the creativity abounds in individual ways, and the original ideas and approaches to things that I have amaze people -- I've always just thought of things in different terms and solutions than other people, and was surprised when they commented on it --- "Why WOULDN'T you think of that?!"...

I think my fear of the stigma and label was the worst thing. "What if people don't like me? What if they think I'm crazy or stupid?"... well. A lot of people DIDN'T like me anyway, some without ever meeting me... that's not going to change, and it happens to typically developed people as well. I feel that instead, people disliked me anyway, but I ended up internalizing that and then being uncomfortable with myself, or not liking myself. Some people still think I'm stupid with or without a label, but talking to me, reading my writing, or looking at my test scores would disprove that in a second... And to keep a clean, put-together appearance over the years so people wouldn't think I was crazy... well, that turned into me instead wondering if I was crazy.

It's totally possible that I don't have any ASD, and that my issues are personal or from other places (childhood abuse, etc), I haven't been diagnosed or not officially yet - this group is the beginning of my exploration and path to being tested... but even if I'm not, if I had been tested, I wouldn't be here wondering.

I think finding out is your best option. No, your child doesn't? Well, then on with life as usual! But if they do, I genuinely feel the diagnosis and proper management, counseling, and building as an adult will help your child love themselves more, enjoy more out of life, and prepare better to be an adult.

Good luck!

[mollydollyjournals]

I was 157.8 earlier, after some squash... I was expecting that to be higher. Not really sure what to think? Going by that I'd guess I'll be back under 156 tomorrow (it's later now so I'm probably lower) but then I did say my scales are maybe inaccurate. I did more today - as well as going out for a short walk to run errands, I did some housework. Not super strenuous stuff but stuff that requires much more movement than lying in bed or whatever, and with my health I have to kind of settle for whatever I can. It was better than nothing, and definitely better than recently. My food intake has been pretty mediocre. I didn't make my proper foods and do decent restriction, but I had smaller amounts of the higher calorie foods, so its just kind of in the middle I guess? I feel physically hungry right now which is encouraging. I've definitely avoided eating til I'm full. But I didn't do like fruit and veg and salad and stuff.

So idk. Idk if I can expect to be less tomorrow or what. I guess I did also say if my scales are accurate then I need to wait til after my period because of the fluctuations. I just really want to know where I'm going to end up. I was stuck at 156 for so long and when I got past it it was only to 155.6 so I still need to get way lower. I haven't had the sudden 2-3lb loss that I normally get during my period, so that may still be to come. I hope it is. God if I could come out of my period at like 152... or lower? Man.

I want to fast tomorrow to push for more progress, but 1) I know from last time I made the mistake of not eating for a while before bed and then not being able to last the day, so if I'm going to fast I should have a snack in the evening before, which it's too late to do today, and 2) I defrosted some of the food I need for healthy prep tomorrow and I don't want to waste it. But if I feel the same tomorrow as I did today, I can be a little more active again. Maybe not a full workout but I can definitely do something.

Hb said I seem smaller, but I don't know if that's just he hasn't noticed since I was over 160. I measured my waist - it's just under 30in, which is only really okay because I have period bloat so my true measurement is smaller. Right now I feel like I really want to work hard for the duration of my period and get a dramatic result. I got through today without alcohol even though I kept really really wanting it. I could go the next few days with no alcohol, eating healthy low calorie foods, working out and doing housework, maybe having a fasting day, drinking more tea and water and squash. If I did everything well and also lost period water weight I could even be under 150 by the end of it. That's super fucking motivating.

I wonder how much I'll be able to do, realistically. And what I'll weigh tomorrow morning. But if I could really have a possibility of getting under 150 by next week?? That would be fucking amazing. Then my goal of getting to 145-140 by February would be so much closer too.

I have to go weigh myself again for a final bedtime check. It means I have to move my cat...