#just gonna Rb this bc today is stressful & I like idk
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i miss her…
#cant believe i forgot about her till the photobook q&a im so sorry witch mona~~~~~~~#press f for honeypre atelier gachas it was gone too soon™️#(currently e x t r e m e l y worried and stressed for tomorrow like never before b u t i have to appear like im fine sobs save me monachann)#(can i go on a stress-prompted tangent here about something inane? no? toooo bad im gonna go off anyway~~~~)#ok so. like. since witch mona is the image i have up ‘ere and since it’s still 七月… today’s tangent will be on irl spooky stories!!#s o. presenting a decently repressed memory from my childhood that resurfaced while i was hibernating at home:#anyways. well. thoughts about the afterlife can vary from person to person yes? there’s no one true correct belief after all#but the one question that unites us all is probably the one and only ‘are ghosts real?’#and well. for personal reasons i think so. i mean i’ve seen this one dude i hate get possessed a couple of times so welp. cant deny it ig.#wild story about that actually. back in the day my family’s finances were allegedly doing so badly that [dude i hate] had to pick up#a *c e r t a i n* side hustle for extra cash. that side hustle? literal grave digging at the cemetary. at night no less#and *ofc* he wasn’t respectful about it in the least so ofc some spirits followed him home. yay. free roommates.#one(?) of them even took residence in my room at the time and im 80% sure they ate my history textbook :( much sads#anyways well once that guy had too much to drink (which was rather often tbh) he’d get possessed. fun!#the only possession i ever saw was the n-rarity angry ghost who’d just huff and puff in silence with unfocused eyes most of the time#he’d occasionally put on a leather jacket too. but that was like a r-rarity event that didn’t happen that often#my mother had the chance to also witness the mosquito (who tried to barge into my room for fresh blood) and the 姑娘 (self-explanatory)#which is kinda unfair tbh. i wanted to see the ur-rarity ones too :( mostly bc it’d be funny to see a guy i hate act ooc (impure intentions)#oh right. how did we get the dude out of his possession? we just shook his arm really hard. prolly caused some lasting effects but who know#i think he could also just sleep off the possession but idk i was asleep for the ur-rarity incidents.#cant ask the one witness of it bc i dont want to bring back unnecessary flashbacks of [guy we hate]#anyways it’s been years since we moved out from that place and i still want my history textbook back. mostly for the principle of it but—#and so that’s the tangent of the day. i feel weirdly less stressed now thanks witch mona#i do wonder how my grandparents are faring on this 七月 though…#b u t !!!!! tomorrow’s date on the lunar calendar says it’s an auspicious day for wishful activity and starting a new job!!! so… maybe~~~~?#hauauauauauauauuauaaaaaa anyways insane tangent over stream mona’s new album ok bye#oops forgor to disable rbs i hate how easy it is to forget to use this function man
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Tw food & ED & disordered eating
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Sometimes I think about how my main emotional stress/overwhelm response is usually to just not eat anything & how different ppl respond to tht + vs my way rarer emotional response to overcorrect & eat more which is way rarer. & also how usually my emotional response is to not eat bc it’s emotionally difficult sometimes to deal with meal prep or figuring out what I wanna eat/what I even can eat, but obviously I have to eat bc I’ll feel like shit & obviously not eating contributes to that same emotional stress/overwhelm & therefore the more/longer I don’t the harder it is. so sometimes my only solution is safefoods or eating like a random dessert & it’s usually the only/first thing I’ve eaten all day but then that will get shamed bc I’m still bigger so me not eating is seen as good bc fatphobia & shit. Like tht one time I started eating a leftover brownie bc I hadn’t eaten anything the entire day & it was the only thing I really had available /tht would work & my mom walked in to shame me for it despite it being the only thing I ate & followed it up w/ “you could not eat for a year & still b too big” which obvs spawned a parental argument. & how she would regularly encourage me to ignore hunger & if my meds made me less hungry she’d think it was rlly good. & the times I overeat are usually shame based bc I was so hungry I overestimated what I could eat & then don’t wanna waste it or compensating coz it’s a time I can actually do food coz sometimes I rlly can’t like when I’m in between samefoods/meals or when even good food makes me sick bc it’s overwhelming. & my moms things is always if u were really hungry you would eat anything which I still remember the time that caused me to literally throw up water bc she refused to give me food that I could eat & demanded I at least try the leftovers & so I did bc I was hungry & a child & I physically couldn’t do it’s so I threw up the water I was drinking. Sometimes I think abt how the thinnest I ever was was when I was super unhealthy & regularly not eating so ppl would have to convince me to occasionally & I still wasn’t even thin & yet ppl will use that time bc I was thinner as a pinnacle of my health as if I wasn’t extremely unhealthy & suicidal. Like I’m not doing the best Rn, but that’s bc of a lot of factors outside my control. Also Thinkin abt how me having pain to move or anything that prevents me doing more workout is dismissed as my fault & I only hurt bc I didn’t do enough, except a lot of those pains were still a thing when I was a kid & did more/asked to do more but it got ignored as me being a baby. & then there’s a lot of factors tht get in the way bc of emotion stuff like breathing & my chest & it’s like, no understanding whatsoever. Like today I complained my back hurt (per usual) bc it’s been worse lately, probably bc I don’t have a desk/back support + other stuff but my mom once again said it was coz I didn’t move enough but like I used to move all the time as a little kid & I STILL hurt the whole time, I think the only reason I don’t feel it worse now is bc it’s been so long that it’s background to the point I’m used to it unless it randomly acts up. & similarly no regard for my knee stuff as if I didn’t have injuries & physical therapy (which she said I didn’t need) or the fact even when I wanted to do stuff I couldn’t bc I could feel my knee was gonna give out again. Also being made to ignore my ankle/knee injuries every time they happen & my sister being mad at me for them & for me being slower or needing help etc but like I even tried to do stuff when I was injured I tried to swim myself only to hurt myself & have to drag myself out bc it was just me. I have so much anxiety around physical stuff bc of so many bad experiences even tho I literally used to love it & it’s upsetting. It regularly results in pain or judgment or me having to actively ignore injuries & being blamed for whatever pain bc I’m bigger/don’t do much even if they are unrelated like when I’ve injured my feet bc of shoes/socks or a lot of other issues I haven’t fully identified so I don’t
#thoughts#oni talks#just gonna Rb this bc today is stressful & I like idk#I almost had a breakdown bc I saw my face in the mirror so I had to look away bc#which I think has only happened maybe once I can remember when I was crashing & idefk like u kno where it’s like if u see urself ur gonna#have a breakdown? not bc weight or anything but bc of identity or dysphoria or just physically perceiving your existence? like idk whenever#I look in the mirror it’s like I can tell that it’s me logically but it still feels like looking at someone else & idk if Thts dysphoria or#my recurrent problems of identity or bc I look similar to other ppl or bc of shaming or what#oni vents#idk I know I’m extra stressed & overwhelmed rn bc it’s my birthday & my mental health around my bday is severe every time like I think#last year was maybe the only time I wasn’t suicidal around my bday for the last few years now but like I was expecting to be bc like no#matter how well I’m doing when my bday comes around everything floods & intrusive thoughts & easy way outs from stress/overwhelm Creep in#historically my birthday has just routinely harmed me & it’s like the one time of year historically it’s supposed to be abt me & im importan#like normally my life is entirely for others (working on it) & the bare minimum I ask is for my birthday to be the time it’s abt me & to be#like appreciated or loved or to show care or for it to matter what I want but routinely tht keeps not being the case & it’s exhausting#also the routine of showing how I am not rlly known at all & it’s like. idk. ik for most ppl their bday isn’t this important to them#but for me birthdays are important it’s when I’m allowed to celebrate someone when you celebrate their existence & love for them & I get#an excuse to be affectionate or give gifts or to just b like ur good & idk I’ve fucked up bdays b4 especially when stuffs messy but like idk#this year is extra stressful but it’s also a reminder of how far I’ve come bc ik past years me would be destroyed under the weight of this#but I’m overwhelmed & stressed & idk what to do abt any of it like ik I need to do stuff but emotionally I’m distraught & I was crying early#& like I wish ppl could take over planning for me but Thts not reasonable & I wish there was some structure of what to do or how to exist rn#which is part of how I’ve been doing so bad food wise lately bc it takes a lot of emotional work & ive lost access to a lot of the foods I’d#been relying on earlier & ofc ik unhealthy foods don’t really help my well-being but it doesn’t feel like I have alternatives I can handle#& sometimes it’s just I need to eat anything bc eating is hard rn hence why I had choco bread & still need food but its smth#I’ve also been struggling bc of lack of therapy/meds issues & so many appts to handle & life stuff to handle & like idk the moments I can#get away a bit are nice like w/ pathfinder even if normally it can be stresssful Rn it’s like everything else is so much worse tht it’s like#the stresses of pathfinder are almost relaxing bc I’m more used to them & I get enjoyment from friends & I get structure I desperately need#even if sometimes it’s hard to work w/ bc everything is so fluid Rn & I don’t have answers to anything & it’s like I just wanna chill but ah#I am also pent up on art/creativity & I think I’m finally getting back to art being for me again but I can’t fully get into it bc of all the#stuff around like I lost my penil/pen bc children & most of my supplies aren’t available like I can use some coz kids but it’s very limited
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2* the AvPD
Conversation w/ my friend I mentioned earlier. With their name / identifying characteristics edited out and some chopping here and there.
___:
I made a post abt avod once tho and it got like
A few rbs and I thought
"if this isn't irony idk what is"
Trje
66ccff: ekjal;kdjd;
___:
me: why do, so many avoidants want to pay for being alive
avpd Tumblr: hm . I relate
66ccff: ekleja;ejdl;k
___: me: I'm glad to know people relate but are we fucking ok
66ccff:
LOL
i mean
mood tbh
___: HINESTLT like I noticed i do it cuz of you NFBNSBDKSBDKSS
66ccff: though do you mean pay as in like. pay the medical system or pay as in guilt
___: Guilt
66ccff:
kejk;ldj;L
yes
ok that is definitely me
me: i breathed 5 gallons of air within 3 hours i am so sorry world
___:
me: [realizes it's not entirely religious trauma and also probably just Guilt over taking up space and needing to help ppl otherwise Why Live?}
Oh
god me
66ccff: (this is not even ironic i get like this multiple times a week)
___:
hdjhdjsd
I've been having a bad ep lately actually and like
I think I failed to look 5-6 people in the eyes today
CUZ IM JUST [WALKS AROHND] WOW . TERRIBLE
66ccff:
omg it's ok i nearly cried in class today b/c i didn't have a good eng translation for this jp sentence
i was like.... no.... don't....
i stabilized cuz the teacher went on a tangent for a second but like
forcing myself to look in his eyes and act normal was
so
hard
i looked away so many times i wa slike. oog my god. end m
i love it when walking around where there's other people makes me really nervous and irritable
agoraphobia is great!
___:
GOD yea
It's so awkward for me I'm fine if I have a safe person or I'm walking to class but like
66ccff: i came back from class today and took a 6 hr nap cuz of my shame and agoraphobia
___:
Rip
Wish I could do that...
66ccff: well i haven't done my homework so
___:
I just. Cry a lot NDKSJDJDNSKDNS
rip
me: I'm strong
Me: spent the last 5 days like crying over nothing
66ccff:
dkjle;ajd i mean... i used to cry but then i got mad at myself for crying so now i just Repress (tm) and sleep and then. the joke is that sometimes it doesn't work
self harms... oops... that didn't work either
better nap again
___:
zz
Pillows keep u safe
Idk what I've been doing lately but I thought I was getting better til I realized I was like
Abstaining from feeding myself BFBJSBFSJJFD
66ccff: o h my god
___:
And I was like
"oh fuck I'm a terrible person bc someone told me I should eat and j Didn't Do It I Failed Them"
66ccff:
ahahahahaahahaha i thought i was getting better too but it was actually because i was just forcing myself to study to give myself an illusion of doing my part
and then i went to school and my actual performance is like
bad b/c i avoid so many activities that would make me better
and i just
___: samd
66ccff:
Wow
i want to die!
___:
hdjsjdjs
I think I only managed to eat cuz my brother was expecting me to
66ccff: tavpdfw you want to be punished constantly so you don't have to have anxiety about existing
___:
Cuz he bought me dinner like 6 hours ago but I didn't touch it til now BFJDJD
MEEEEE
66ccff: dkja;eljd;
___:
GOD
me: ah I feel good today
Me like 3 hours later: oh my God I shouldn't feel good abt myself that's so Selfish ? I am trash
66ccff: oh Mood
___: Avpd solidarity
66ccff:
honestly i love my environmental soicology class but liek
it talks about how we're all consuming and putting things back into the environment
___: Idk how I manage to have avpd and __pd but that's how it is on ths bitch of an earth
66ccff: and i was literally contemplating if death was the only way to take myself out from the cycle
___:
Me
Bhhjsfjd
66ccff:
i was like
holy shit. it's not just consumption i forgot
i also put bad gases into the air with everything i breathe
i am Bad
___:
All day today I was hearing abt what happened in Vegas and we were like. Talking in my apologetics class abt the Nature of Evil
66ccff: the true environmentalist take is death
___: And I was just thinking "why must I, exist if all I am is bad"
66ccff:
oh my god same!
i looked over my abt page and i was like
this looks fake tumblerina
___:
apologetics: so mankind is basically evil
Me: great! I'll die so there's less evil in the world
66ccff:
me
ME
MEMEMMEMEMEMMEMEMEMEME
___: HHDHSBDJSHD
66ccff:
sometimes i have fantasies of like
going backwards and apologizing to everyone i've ever talked to and to everyone who ever had to work to produce what i've consumed
___:
M. E
m
66ccff:
and then hoping that they forget about me and then like disappearing forever
i jsut can't see how some people can be like
oh yeah factories in china and mexico earn less than 2 dollars an hour to make our stuff
and not jus twant to kill themselves
___:
I'm just pathetic and compulsive if I feel bad about stuff I apologize til like 2 weeks after
God. Yea
66ccff:
the joke is that people hate if you overapologize
so you jsut
damned if you do damned if you dont :upside_down:
___:
me: uh sorry for being sad
People: don't apologize for that
Me:
Avpd:. They are mad that I am apologizing also that I am sad
Hhhfjjejd
Me:
ME
WKJD;LKD
"can you stop saying sorry"
"sorry"
___:
me: oh God I'm so miserable
Someone: oh im sorry
Me: I wish I could accept this but Pity is too much for a lowly worm like me
66ccff: "what did i just say"
___: MMSNDNBHHHHHHGGGGG
66ccff:
:smile: :gun:
MOOD
___: avpd feel when you don't deserve to be pitied ?
66ccff: pity is too much kindness
___:
God yea
LIKE probably just a conflicted feel but I prefer ppl being active than pitying me but then I'm like
"that's selfish I don't deserve that ?"
66ccff:
someone tells you to watch where you're going
feel like you're unable to go outside for the rest of the day
___:
m.
mebdbdhdhdjs
66ccff: oh yeah the joke is that i want people to like. be kind to me but also i don't
___: hell brain
66ccff: so i can't say what i want
___: GGG YEAH
66ccff:
be kind to me except don't because i'll feel invalid either way so maybe just don't talk to me
>feels worse anyway
___:
Hhhhhhhhhhh me
Me: talk to me ? But I don't know what to talk abt ? But I am also not good enough for pity you could just sit there maybe
But then the presence of another person will overwhlem me and I'll go cry again/s
66ccff: feel free to entertain yourself, and forget about me,
___:
Mebdndmdkskdjsja god
[looks at all cluster c disorders] you are all bitches and I hate tou
66ccff:
tavpdfw u gotta depersonalize to make it through the day of talking to other people and acting like ur a normal human bean
MOOD
___: GOD yea
66ccff:
i have a question though if im depersonalizing why do i still feel terrible even if i feel ilke im fake
smh
___: God me
66ccff:
me: i'm not real so heres me acting like i am chill and cool person that is interesting maybe or maybe not
me, inside: this sucks and i hate this but im not real so it shouldnt affect me but damn i hate this
when u feel separate from your auto-pilot but you still experience all the shame you would without it :thinking:
avpd is stupid and contradictory and evolutionarily useless
___:
__pd isnkind of the same but like
if you manage it well you can get stuff done but you still breakdown over the TINIEST DETAIL
I hate it
And I waste more time thinking abt what I'm gonna do and not actully
DOING MT SHIT
66ccff: cripes
___: LIKE A NORMAL PERSON
66ccff:
me in high school
UGH i'm ahving that problem right now
dude in high school i used to just waste my days reading manga and thnking i should do my homeworka
___:
me: I'll spend this hour scheduling
[2hours later]
Me: [stressed
nbdjdjjsjdjsjdks
66ccff: and then i'd like. start at 10pm and fuck myself over
___: rip
66ccff: have a crying session at 4am every time an essay is due the next day
___: I actually didn't do one of my assignments tonight
66ccff: bad coping habits
___: Rip me I got discouraged over something lame JFJSNFKSNFD
66ccff: oh mood
___:
relationship issues: occur
Me: well, I can't, do anything ever again
66ccff:
i shouldn't even be discouraged abt my classes bc i'm here to learn
and i'm just like. i know nothing i deserve to die
kejd;kakejd
friend, disagrees with you on something you feel unsure about: WELL I GUESS I AM BAD AND THEY HATE ME NOW time to ghost them
___:
me: [perceives someone not caring for me]
me: and Now...what is Mine Purpose...what do I live for...my Friends....have all abandoned m
MEEEEEE
avpd sounds super dramatic when you separate it from yourself but like
In the moment I'm always just [jdut starts Fucking Crying
66ccff:
i just want to manage to some kind of social work, give my wealth to some impoverished family, and then kms before 30
yeah
my therapists in the past are like
why... so soon
___: Jfjdjfjdf
66ccff: and i'm just like "why not i need to minimize all my ills on the world and also on the emotions of my family"
___: That reminds me of like. One of my mutuals talking abt how early he sleeps and he was just
66ccff: this is the optimal time look my life plan
___:
"why be awake longer than necessary"
Hdhdhfjsjfdjdjdband. I was just . Me
66ccff:
because you hate yourself too much sleep
:^)
___:
God yea
That's true. Me rn
I should've been asleep like an hour ago but [plays secret of Mana and then mopes]
66ccff:
dude i used to have bouts of insomnia b4 i got drugs that knock me out (and help me w/ anxiety)
like.... i would lay awake and every second of being awake was just making the situation worse
___: I feel like I should get meds to balance out my bipolar eps but
66ccff: but then i couldn't sleep anyway so it was a damned situation
___: my parents r so anti meds
66ccff: rrghbh
___:
also like
Internalized ableism
That I don't Needthem and So Many people don't need them
66ccff: oh yeah, why do my essay when i can read an hour of garbage romo manga and feel slightly less bad during that time and then hate myself more
___:
So I Can do it cuz I'm like Everyone Else and not like Those "crazy" people
Rifp
66ccff:
man i don't wanna encourage meds if your side effects r bad but honestly how did i get the fuck through high school other than triggering intense anxiety about all assignments
like...
i was so nonfunctional i shouldn't have even been in school
.....
66ccff:
all accessibility problems are solvable
humans are so bad
___: caring ? About others ? What a concept
66ccff: except sometimes they are good but that is definitely not me
___:
Me
Ok I try to overcompensate w good to make up for inherent badness THANKS RELIGION
66ccff:
the US is like: here's a pricetag for your life
pay up
___: AAAA
66ccff:
yeah i can see how christainity wouldn't help there
w/ the "original sin" and stuff
that doesn't quite exist in other abrahamic religions iirc
judaism doesn't even have hell
___: it's really weird
66ccff:
i'm guessing its bc of jesus
like.... y'all binches killed him
so now this is life
- christainity
___:
Like. Christianity makes the most sense to me probably cuz I grew up w it but fuck
Man
66ccff: o yeah i grew up w/ some christianity too
___: It's FUCKED!!!!!!
66ccff: i actually have agoraphobia issues w/ going inside of churches
___: Oh same
66ccff: :^)
___: I'm actually fairly anti-church just because the current state of them is very bsd
66ccff: oh yeah
....
66ccff:
how can someone like me, who is literally not deserving of life, raise someone else
scrumbles
___:
Me
Hdjehdsk
66ccff: ___ we are so fucked
___:
It's true
Life is fucked
We, are fucked
66ccff: existence is violence
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