#just feeling kind of shitty bc i know that they're mad at me or think that i'm an asshole

[koenigami]

am i an asshole for not wanting to share my notes with uni "friends" who were too lazy to attend some classes themselves? lmao this sounds like a reddit post

[jewish-vents]

My entire life, I've yearned for the kind of community the Jewish community and Judaism have provided me. I found out I had Jewish ancestry when I was a kid, I looked into it more later and realized my most recent Jewish ancestor (like three-ish generations back) was almost certainly forcibly converted out, and decided to convert to like. Make amends for that I guess and also because I really vibed with the holidays and how we turn up everywhere in history bc we keep doing cool stuff despite consistently shitty circumstances.

But I digress.

I have waited my WHOLE LIFE trying to experience the joy becoming Jewish has shown me, and that gets shit on constantly.

My sister has started making a truly obscene number of Jew jokes. My mom scoffs at all the 'nonsense rules' and has said repeatedly that she thinks choosing a 'restrictive' religion is dumb and I've made a mistake. She even said it's an insult to HER parenting skills that I would seek out religion after she tried to teach me to know better.

My dad is dead but I never ever in a million years would have told him even if he were alive, and my sister thinks it's funny to threaten to 'out' me as Jewish to his relatives even though they're basically KKK-adjacent so she actually enjoys threatening mg safety at this point. (Yay family right?)

My friends have turned everything into an Israel/Palestine discussion lately and I know damn well what they're doing when they start saying truly horrible shit about Israelis and looking at me. They get mad if I try to temper their extremism so I've given up. I barely talk to them anymore and I spend more and more time with other Jews from temple and I don't want to like. Isolate myself from all non-Jews I guess bc I've always felt like that leads to weirdness and perpetuates shit about Jews being unfriendly I guess idk?

Anyway I digress again. My point is I'm really sick of constantly being expected to tolerate it when people think I shouldn't be Jewish.

Other queer people think I'm somehow compromising my queer identity by being Jewish, leftists think I hunt Palestinian children for sport now apparently, right-wingers think I traffic good Christian babies for organ harvesting or some shit idfk, my friends think that if I'm not being more vitriolic in my hatred of Israel than they already are I'm some kind of secret rabid Netanyahu fan, my family think I've been recruited into a cult apparently and the only other people who show me even an ounce of compassion or regard are other Jews and Gd knows there's like ten of us and that number is unlikely to increase.

Just. Fuck. I've put blood, sweat, tears and money into this, I invested more time and emotional commitment into this than I have into going to college or choosing a career, I love it more than anything and have only loved it more the more I learned about it, and all I get when I express this or even just let slip that I am Jewish and chose to be, I get nothing but hatred. I will never understand how a religion that has spent all 5000 years of our existence minding our business and arguing about the same book over and over can possibly have offended this many people with our existence.

Dmn anon, that is a lot you're dealing with right now. I'm so sorry you're surrounded by people who clearly don't respect you. Because yes this is a lack of basic respect, and it is antisemitic. Now I don't know how old you are and how safe you are, but if you can safely do so, set very hard boundaries. Do not tolerate this amount of disrespect towards who you are. It is hard, and many of us have had to go through similar situations, as you can read all over this blog. But I think having to spend your life surrounded by people who make you feel unsafe and disrespected is worse. I know sometimes there are situations in which people cannot safely set these boundaries, I hope it's not your case, but if it is feel free to come here to vent again.

I know you don't want to isolate yourself from goyim. Many Jewish people don't want to. Sadly, when people disrespect us like this, they're the ones isolating us. It's not your fault. Seek people who love and accept you. Sadly, a good chunk of goyim won't - I'm not saying everyone, obviously, but a portion. Having a good Jewish support network seems to be more and more important, whether it's irl or online.

I hope you can soon be in an environment that's safer and more accepting

- 🐺

[pseudowho]

hi Haitch, its relationship anon again 🤡🫶🏻

Just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate your kindness and advice! You’re helping me stay level headed here and not become delusional.

Okay now onto the tea-

Following last week’s little club moment, things went (briefly) downhill. I decided to be an adult and take a break from the female friend that I mentioned in the last update. She proceeded to go around our workplace and tell EVERYONE, including one of our managers, that I was mad at her. I was trying really hard to involve everyone else in my business and it really upset me that she did this. In addition to that, I had to take my sister to the ER on Monday and had an incredibly difficult cardiac test on Tuesday, so a bitch was going through it.

When I got out of my clinical on Wednesday, I was exhausted but I really wanted to see my male friend before he left. Was I exhausted both emotionally and physically? Yes. Had I been running around trying to help one patient with Afib and another who needed a midline placement ? Uh huh. A girl just needed some ice cream and to hang out with her favorite a loser.

So, I asked him if he wanted to get ice cream and he said yes :). I showered and put on the most causal outfit possible. My sister asked if I was goin to get more dress up to which I was like “no I just off a 12 hour shift, he should be happy I’m even leaving the house.”.

Anyways! We didn’t end up doing ice cream bc I was nervous, but we instead went out to get drinks with one of our other male friends. I didn’t have to be DD so I was able to actually get somewhat drunk (which was super needed after this week) and my loser was taking care of me. Our other friend kept making excuses to get up and walk away from our table so just the two of us could talk.

Some highlights:

•He was teasing me about falling at work. When I asked him how he knew, he said “I ask about you, duh”

•The way we were sitting, our legs were pressed up against each other. If he moved his legs, he’d still find away to make sure they were touching mine.

•I was showing him my Choso costume and he said “oh you’d look so good in that” and told me he’s going to try to come down for Halloween. I told him that if he came down, I’d dress up as Yuki so he can be Choso. He told me that I wasn’t allowed to show him my sexy Choso costume and then not wear it for him.

•Told me he wanted me to come visit him when I have time off from school, but he understood if I can’t.

•I was talking about cigarettes after sex and he said he knew maybe one song. I got all excited (drunk) and asked him which one. He looked at me and told me it was the one on his sex playlist and then said he was sad that I didn’t save his playlist. I told him I’d save his if he’d save mine.

•I showed our friend a shirt that said “don’t let my big tits scare you, I’m actually a nice person” and I said that I want it, but mine would have to do say moderately sized. My loser said “oh they’re more than moderately sized” (thank you for noticing 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️)

•He was taking really good care of me and was constantly asking me how I was feeling.

•We decided it was a good idea to look up nsfw anime figures and I was pretty much leaning on him as he showed me them and we kept reading each other about them.

•When we were leaving, we hugged for a hot minute and he told me to text him as soon as I got home. When I did, we talked for a bit, but he told me that I really needed to get some sleep.

Nothing too crazy happened, but I’m still calling this a somewhat success! I didn’t get my back blown out but I think I’ll survive 🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️🙂‍↕️

Okay. It's clear. You don't need this tacky 'friend' in your life at all. They're a whole bucket of shit. You're undoubtedly younger than me, but I assure you, in just a few short years you, too, will be ruthless about cutting out shitty people like this from your life.

At this point, Relationship Anon, you and this guy are two dolls that I'm floating towards each other, and I'm about to make you kiss.

He has a more than moderately sized boner for you.

He want you.

*spinning like a fucking top here*

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[valdangelodreams]

Au9 (my head screamed this at me)

I am, as I'm writing this, bracing myself for this to be found and repercut on me, but I'm posting regardless

-no TOA but canon au

-I've decided this is called the "the right one doesn't have to try" au

-leo returns sooner, this is important

-there's technically solangelo in that Will is trying to flirt with Nico

-actually, the au is that will tries and fails, and leo doesn't try but succeeds

-anyways, nico still does the line thing and Leo still takes it like a champ

-but leo's internally like, wtf? why is he this angry? did I miss a memo? are we friends and I didn't know?

-and so he kind of feels bad, bc he thinks Nico thinks they're friends, and Leo's been kind of really shitty to him

-so he starts acting like an actual friend

-meanwhile Will tries to do romantic shit and it keeps being read as friendly (it's not like, movie romantic, just him showing he cares u know)

-also meanwhile, Nico himself is trying to make sense of why he'd been so mad, cus now Leo's actually friendly and it puts shit in contrast

-also, we know Leo likes creating shit for those he cares for, and now that includes Nico in true fic miscommunication fashion

-some of the gifst could read as romantic coded, and like Nico's obvs having the epiphany of what we all thought when we read that one scene in TOA (u know the one)

-ie, Nico knows he has a crush, and is reading into thingsTM

-actually, this whole au is Nico being terrible at reading signs yet winning somehow

-Leo and Nico get closer, and Leo's not dumb so he immediately realizes Will is into his new friend

-he feels kind of bad, but also not? which he has to process

-I also, at this point in the dream felt kind of bad, but I also found it really funny

-Leo, being Leo, still acts the same despite the mental crisis, but finally does something that totally reads as romantic (unconsciously)

-so Nico is like, holy shit, but he still wants to say nothing, so he does something for Leo in return

-probably makes him something from scratch, cus he figures Leo would appreciate that the most

-this is where my alarm woke me so y'all can have fun figuring out if the sillies ever say anything

-or the much funnier option of them never confessing but still becoming an item

-everyone else finds out somehow, even in the second version

-that's all, I'm gonna go hide now until I think something else up, love y'all

[vole-mon-amour]

3x09, part 1.

The opening with that music is sooo unusual for them? :D Reminds me of circus.

No but the amount of fans there? That's a lot. That's cool, but also unusual.

"Whistle! WHIIIISTLE!" Give him a freaking whistle lmao.

This moment in the trailer is from another angle and it looks sooo much fun there. First Jamie and Keeley, now this. Some poor choices were made in the editing room. Let me see Beard falling!!

What the hell is Isaac doing? Why are they trying to create this fake drama? "I'm mad at you bc you didn't tell me"? He didn't HAVE to tell you. Not even for a second I'll believe Isaac is homophobic. Colin is his best friend, come the hell on.

Scene forward when Colin tries to resolve it and offers to have a bear and a chat, and Issac refuses. Hello???? What IS this???

I dislike this kind of picking on your friend, but the fact that Richard is ok with that and Jan immediately pats him on the shoulder, like, "It's okay, mate." I love seeing those boys being friends.

*whines* Can we, as a fandom, PLEASE jump on the train of Rebecca and Keeley being girlfriends? I've been struggling here alone since s1. There is so much!! possibilities!!! And they look great together. And they love each other. Ahhhh. Ughhhh.

I'm on this boat!!!

"I saw this spa with kittens" Keeley is everything. This show gives me so many ideas. Ok, Rebecca agreeing to go to a spa with Keeley so the kittens walk all over them??? I need someone to draw that, PLEASE?

The way Rebecca looks at her. GUYS. GUUUUYS. That's love.

<3

You know what's going on here? Jamie does the same thing with Keeley. Ot3 when? My tinfoil hat is always on.

LMAOOOO. When two independent women stare you down silently & judge you & suddenly, you're not so tough.

I actually love that they're doing this bc sometimes I feel like Roy is getting too comfortable swearing and acting like a bully and thinking it's ok. I love seeing Rebecca as a boss for real and putting Roy in his place. :') I also think it's bc she tries to protect Keeley, but yeah. I like how supportive she's with Keeley. Girlfriends. Besties.

Jade is the real one. Her look with shitty men, "I see right through your bullshit." I don't buy her buying his bullshit, "he's nice-like." Impossible that she doesn't know what he did to Rebecca and isn't just being nice with Nate about his boss.

You can see that he did that to Rebecca as well & it's creepy as fuck.

Beard nearly had a fight with press. I love that man. The press also loved their time with Beard, so I don't see a problem here. :D Roy is an ass, though, for doing this to Rebecca.

SCREAMING. You honor, there's been a murder. Get Beard back in the room. :D

[thedreadvampy]

I think a huge amount of my issue with how people (leftoids) recieve (leftist, countercultural or similarly aligned) art online is:

a) a lot of it seems to be based on a perceived failure of the art to live up to some radical ideal of Changing The World. this is an issue to me because I don't think art is for changing the world. creating art isn't an act of direct revolutionary praxis the way like, blowing up pipelines or drafting new legislation or building mutual aid networks are. art is there to change you so you can change the world. no art whether it's Disney Film #284367 or some indie antiart installation piece is sufficiently threatening to the status quo in and of itself to Be The Revolution - revolution comes about through connection and unification and art can help us do that. or can help us believe in fucked up shit. but like. it's happening in us not in the art. getting mad bc a piece of art isn't Sufficiently Changing The World is missing the point imo. the question is does it change you?

b) the closer a piece of art is to challenging the hegemonic art institution the more critical we are of it, and I don't think that's down to corporate capture or a failure to notice the institutional issues as much as that people's reactions to institutional art is 'well what can you expect' whereas there's a much more personal betrayal from indie or countercultural art sources. a version of this might be how people have responded to shitty corporate exploitation and abuse at say CDPR vs Ubisoft, or to the value of art made by A24 vs Disney. Or like, in general the reception to artists like Neil Gaiman or Amanda Palmer or Lil Nas X or Rebecca Sugar or Contrapoints who are engaging imperfectly but nonetheless engaging with stuff like race, sexuality, gender, colonialism, capitalist power etc. Like the criticisms levelled are usually valid, it's not that they're wrong or necessarily disproportionate, it's that there much more often levelled at people who are trying to say something we broadly agree on than they are at people who aren't. you know? and I think it's a fatigue thing. like the entire mainstream arts establishment is fucked and full of people and institutions who hold awful beliefs or have done awful things and we can't get mad at all of them. but the annoying impact of that is that collectively that energy seems to land more with, you know, Taika Waititi than Mel Gibson. More with A24 than Marvel Studios. More with Contrapoints than The Quartering.

like we give more critique to artists we expect more of and that's fair enough. except a) this is the internet so it's often not really so much critique as CANCELLED CANCELLED CANCELLED NONE OF YOU ARE FREE FROM SIN but also b) idk. it feels like when we're waiting for the Perfect Piece Of Radical Art To Lead The Revolution and will accept no less from any art that tries to make any kind of critique of the world as it is, but don't hold the same expectations towards art which is fully hegemonically aligned and within the expected norms, what we've ended up with is a world where

let's say for example

a fun murder mystery about evil rich people defeated by the cleverness of a working class heroine is Bad because it criticised capitalism and racism in a broadstrokes and milquetoast liberal way that won't Change The World, and this makes it Counterrevolutionary Pro Capitalist Propaganda That Is Making You Stupid

but a Disney film about how the US military is great actually and the only problem with it is that you don't believe hard enough in yourself!!!! and in reifying that punching things will fix the world and anyone trying to enact change from the status quo is de facto evil regardless of how correct their complaints are? that's just a fun film, it's Disney, you can't expect it to be radical, just have fun!

Idk it's very wearing.

[phoebehalliwell]

how i would redo the charmed reboot (pilot specifically!) to make me like it more uwu

okay so one of my biggest gripes with season one specifically is how fast it moves i mean like by the second episode we already have the Harbinger of the Apocalypse like woah baby girl let's hit the breaks for a 22 episode season i feel like we really don't do enough meandering i would have really loved to see them fumble around with their powers more so Sorry Harry!! but you're getting dialed back a little. maybe a lot.

anyways

i would have really loved for the girls to unbind their powers a little more intentionally i think what i would have done is had marisol tuck them each away with a keyphrase somewhere in their lives so maybe on the back of the photo of marisol and macy and idk in a card for maggie maybe a congratulations on graduation high school card and an inscription in one of marisols favorite books for written for mel that mel would find after her death. and when macy first pulls up i wouldn't have her roll up during that argument specifically maybe maggie's about to roll out and mel's scolding her or something and she opens the door and boom it's macy!! and she shows the photo and maggie's looking at it like wow but mel's looking on the back bc that note is like the note she left for her and either it's the full spell or the phrases are all linked and mel's like what's that and macy's like oh it's [KEYPHRASE] i don't know what it means and mel's like cause it sounds a lot like [KEYPHRASE] and maggie's like wait that kind of reminds me of [KEYPHRASE] do you think- BOOM blackout. whoooooooooo swirling lights what the fuck? zoom they go up to thru the ceiling. and macy's like okay that's weird so i'm gonna go and maggie's like idk maybe her and mel are still iffy so maggie's like yeah me too and mel's like whatever i'm going to explore and goes up and it's the attic ooh they're never been in there (marisol died elsewhere. idk where yet maybe near a creek if we have a creek anywhere i'm still early in my rewatch. like ooh what was she doing there that was weird but it was bc of the spell of something) and mel goes into the attic and is like what the fuck and texts maggie like there's something you need to see

anyways maggie is at a party thing or something blah blah blah and we'll say brian her ex lover is there and it's thru this heightened emotional/physical connection (about to hook up) that she first starts to read his thoughts. and she's like whoa wait that's fucking weird also um i'm getting this vibe ur still in love with me. so like. i need to end this stat. then maybe lucy catches her down in the dumps and like bonds with her in her weird little lucy way (anyone else ship them?) and maggie's like yeah i'm better and lucy's like yay!! they hug and lucy's like god i hope she makes it thru rush i like her and maggie's like yeah i hope i make it thru rush too and lucy (already p sloshed) is like !!! oh my god that is so weird i was literally just thinking that!! and maggie's like uh oh not better. macy's still out getting drinks with galvin but instead of being mad about the sister thing she's just being really cagey about it and then whenever galvin is really supportive or kind to her something winds up falling off the bar and macy just gets so flustered she goes back to her shitty airbnb and then gets a text from galvin like hey are you alright and when she reads it idk the toaster flies into the drywall or something major. mel i honestly don't know. maybe she's reading about all this witchy stuff and she knocks something over and it freezes very briefly before crashing to the ground.

so maggie pulls back up home like mel somethign really weird happened and mel's like i literally texted you like 4 hours ago and drags her up to the attic and maggie's like what what is this this isn't happening etc etc they argue a bit maggie is exiting the attic mel's tailing her still arguing blah blah blah boom it's macy at the top of their stairs like i'm so sorry to do this but has anything weird happened to you guys. so idk mel drags them up to the attic where she shows them the unbinding spell which happens to be the stuff they said and macy's like yeah to that's not really but BONG CLOCK NOISES BONG ooh it's midnight on a full moon and now all three of them are in the attic ooh something strange happens maybe we color code each of their powers a la the witch of time / witch of space / witch of emotion type deal we end up with in the finale. and maybe some text reveals itself in the book of shadows and it's written in their mom's hand about the prophecy of the charmed ones

[tmwcs]

RAEEEEE GUESS WHOS HERE ABOUT DT SUPER LATE🤩

Me😌

Im sorry BUT NOW IM GONNA START READING IT AND YOULL GET ALL MY LIVE REACTIONS🤭‼️

"Gently rubbing his fingertips along your skin, swaying them back and forth"

RAE😭😭 WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO USSSSS, pls pls take our well being into consideration 😔😔

“Good girl... you even know how to pronouce it correctly"

good girl? GOOD GIRL???? AND HE HAS THE AUDACITY TO WINK AFTERWARDS???? im done I cant with this guy

“Maybe….we’ll see.”

Maybe yes, hopefully not😌

“Night sweet thing.”

Boy im no object 🤨🤨 (but since its you saying it, I dont mind as much😋)

“Let us know if you need anything.”

You sir pls?🤯

Gazing at the message that you had just received, you saw that it was from Kurt, who expressed how good it was to see you again. “…Hmm…I wonder….” You mentally noted as you came up with an idea and messaged back.

No no pls dont "wonder" it usually ends bad😨

OMG IM LOOKING AT THE PICS YOU ADDED RN AND IM- SUISHSEESDDD let me suck your dick pls??? (Both)

“You would look so pretty in a wedding dress.”

THIS AND THE PICTURE UNDERNEATH IT????VBYXDGHHHHH, Heejeong does smh unexplainable to me😣

“Yeah?.....I beg to differ.”

SIR???? STOPPPP

“Hey, y/n. I’m finally here, sorry I missed the ceremony, but I’m glad I could make it in now.”

You missed the ceremony what else you here for boy?💀 also rae pls pls dont do what im think you're going to do pls pls dont

You had invited Kurt, as a manner to introduce him to the family since you had recently decided to give him a chance and accept his offer to begin a relationship

Bye.

WHYYYYY TELL ME WHYTYYY???????? I dont even know what to say🤯🤯

Im kurt number 1 hater #kurtkys #kurtleaveynalone #kurtpullasamuelsoicanhaveareasontohateyou

Im never forgiving you for this rae

"Im good Mrs....um..."

Bro doesn't even know the name of his girlfriends mother 💀💀 this is way worse then what samuel did I think I have reason to hate him now😌

Heejeong merely looked down at Kurt’s hand before glaring back up at him….then over to you.

YES BAE IGNORE HIS DIRTY HANDS WHO KNOWS IF HE EVEN WASHED THEM???😨‼️

"Nice to meet you. I’m Kurt.”

No one cares bro you can stop💀💀

You figured they were disappointed that you hadn’t told them about Kurt sooner

Nah babes they're mad bc they want to fuck you

"We’re dating.”

Im so done with y/n

"They were busy.”

Pls keep em busy🙏🏻🙏🏻

"It’s okay….” You bit your lip as you chuckled once more. Leaning in, you whispered out. “Should we try again?"

NO???? how about y'all DONT try again💀

"So..."

FINALLY OME OF MY BAES🤭🤭

"Come again?....”

Y/n bae in the nicest way possible, stfu���

"Nuh-uh. Come here, we need to have a little talk, you and I.”

Okay lets talk😋 OMG THE PICTURE????? IM DYING DJJDUDJEJD

“Shhh….come here…..COME HERE.”

Come here and get some~~

ANOTHER PICTURE???? *this user has died*

Okay ill continue dying after i finish this ask 🔥🔥

“Stop! This is wrong! You’re insane, get off!”

Dont stop! This is feels so right! You're not insane, dont get off**** sorry had to fix your typo😰😰

"Dont be like that…..haven’t I shown you kindness and affection?....Haven’t I shown just how much I ADORE you?”

BAE PLS PLS FORGIVE MY DEAR Y/N, SHES JUST BEING SILLY 🤗🤗

"Those are some pretty strong words princess…..are we fighting? Hmm? Tell me…..” placing a hand on your hip, he starts to motion your body to grind against his crotch as he whispers out the last bit. “Are we fighting?”

I might have to resume being dead soon bc oh my god i cant handle this

"Tell me baby….since we’re fighting…tell me what I gotta do to fix it…tell me.

Nothing babe you're perfect 😌‼️ #loveyourself #changeyourselffornoone #beyourself

"Come on baby…tell me what I gotta do to fix it….so we can get along…”

OH WAITTTT, that shitty gf of yours💀 we can get along then👍🏻

No princess….dont think I will……I don’t think you want me to…..that’s okay because that’s what I’m here for…..”

You're right, pls dont stop😣

"Boyfriend hasn’t touched you yet…has he?”

THANK GOD NO 🙏🏻🙏🏻

"Let me fix it."

Yeah this is my last straw, im dead 👍🏻

Okay kids, lets all thank rae for the amazing chapter 🤭🤭

Bro the way I laughed at this….this is…this is gold. I’m literacy saving this right now so I can refer back to it bc this was just absolutely hands down the best Silky. Omg. Lol! I loved that enjoyed the chapter. Bro..the part where Heeseung was like “let me beat it up and say sorry to it with my tongue later” I died lol. Could you imagine? I should have chapter 6 posted by tomorrow maybe since im working on HHP ch 20 rn ;)

[missinconsistent]

Man, I have so many mixed feelings about the "statement" that was made by Elira, Vox, and Ike.

There's a lot of debate if the three were forced to speak on the situation, and I really don't know what's true. But they've burned their bridges with Selen, and it's just really shitty seeing friends have such an awful fallout, and it all being aired to the public of bad actors to jump in and send hate.

I feel disappointed because I do believe the livers should be allowed to speak their side, defend themselves from the harassment and accusations made towards them, and they're allowed to be upset. I think it's understandable they'd feel scared their personal information and jobs are at stake. But there is no proof that the legal documents would ever go public to dox them. They only incriminated themselves further by mentioning they thoroughly went over the legal document shared with them, which was meant to be private.

Vox particularly had a certain attitude that really rubbed me the wrong way. I could understand where Elira and Ike were coming from, regardless if you agree with them, but Vox just sounded so fed up and too combative.

He spends too much time defending management about The Last Cup of Coffee video but the issue of Selen's termination was NOT that she had failed getting all the permissions because, other than some bad actors, a lot of us already understood she broke that rule. But it was literally everything else about the termination and the culmination of events that people are mad about.

Even though Vox said they don't take Selen's "attempt" lightly, it isn't proven with how they spoke about her and the whole situation. It really did feel like they were more focused on trying to paint Selen as a bad person than showing any bit of understanding for her mental health. Imho, they are allowed to be mad at her AND also show her some sympathy. But Vox, only saying they aren't taking her attempt lightly, is basically all we get. Everyone had reached out to Selen after hearing of her attempt, and getting updates through her emergency contact isn't proof that they handled the situation with care. It almost comes off as they were worried about how it would reflect on the company more than Selen's wellbeing.

It is morally grey that Selen had recorded Vox without his permission to get some kind of dirt out of him (even if it is legal in Canada), but using a very specific instance of when Selen broke Vox's trust still doesn't amount to what she went through that drove her to commit an attempt. Vox going to that moment just felt petty because it made HIM hurt that something like that happened to HIM, and HE was willing to graduate with Selen even though HE would never feel that way if it wasn't for Selen pulling his strings..?

With Ike and Elira, they, too, are both guilty of painting a bad picture of Selen in an attempt to save face for the company and their own careers within Niji. I don't like how they did that, but I understand how Elira would be worried about herself and her two close friends in Niji being doxxed. And Ike, as someone who was considered a friend of Selen, would just feel generally hurt and confused about the situation going on. It's not a black and white situation. But I wish they would have been able to express their negative emotions without feeling the need to speak badly of Selen's character.

Even though this is clearly a tough time for them and everyone in EN, I think that video would've come out a little better if they weren't so focused on trying to paint Selen as the bad guy. As a Niji fan, I wish the company- and the livers- knew how to speak neutrally. They could've just been ambiguous and say they felt upset and betrayed, but they are going to keep working with the company bc that's the choice they stand by, without pointing fingers or especially talking about confidential legal documents.

As angry as everyone is, neither of the livers deserves to be harassed. There has been incredibly dehumanizing shit said and done, and if anyone is sending hate or doxxing them, then you are no better than Anycolor. Selen is not the only person to have mental health struggles, and, she's already asked people not to bully or harrass anyone because she knows how shitty it feels. We don't need to push another liver to their breaking point and act like that is any favor to Doki, to Nijisanji, or any community.

Me venting my frustration isn't meant to be harassment towards Elira, Ike, or Vox. I think they're also victims of their management's incompetence. As a fan, it's just disappointing they blamed Selen for all the problems. And even if they never meant to harrass her, shutting down her frustrations and pressuring her to do what's told of her or else she'd been hurting everyone else while no one looked out for her, is probably what led her to feel the way she did. It shows the company hasn't been doing any introspection and are continously having their livers stick their neck out to avoid doing so.

Nijisanji is lucky that a lot of people are giving the three the benefit of the doubt that they are sharing their true feelings and are only forced to have made the video by management. And it would be nice if, for once, management would take the bullet for their livers other than the other way around and just take some responsibility for their actions without throwing their talent under the bus or using them as a shield. Then, if Elira, Ike, and Vox do choose to leave the company, they'd still have a reputation after Niji after everything they've been put through.

[bogunicorn]

the sun is coming up and i can't sleep, but i can remember the time way back when i still did rp when a game ended really poorly for The Mod Was Kind of a Terrible Person reasons. said mod started up a new game which most players of the old game joined (bc a vast majority of the players, of which there were well over 30 or 40, were just not involved in The Thing That Killed It, and so took the mod's version of events at face value bc that's the info they had), and i started up a small invite-only game so i could keep playing with my friends. the mod and i were still friendly, but her beef was with my actual friends, so i took sides and blah blah who cares

the point is that i reached out to her to explicitly be like, hey, i know this situation is messy, but we've both been in a shitty situation before with people spying on each other's games and lowkey stalking ex-friends even though they're not even in the same games anymore, can we agree to move on from this and, like, not do that? and she was like, yeah, definitely, i just want the stuff with those people to be over, truce.

months later i learned from a mutual friend that mod lady had been actively stalking people in my game (which i hadn't locked bc people like to browse logged out and i didn't think it was necessary), screenshotting posts to pass around and mock, and generally just being the kind of shithead that we'd mutually agreed not to be.

so i emailed her to tell her i heard from so-and-so that she was doing this, and that i was very disappointed and hurt because it felt like she'd lied to me. and her response was not to apologize or to deny it, but instead a special, third option: to tell me i wasn't allowed to be mad at her, because her feelings were really hurt by how the last game ended, and stalking people who don't talk to her anymore so she can screenshot their rp posts and mock them as a group activity is how she copes with her feelings of rejection.

to this day i am still aghast. just. the audacity, the giant steel balls it takes to go, "yes, i AM stalking your friends, i DID lie to you, and you shouldn't be mad because being a shitty person is self-care, so you're basically dismissing my feelings and being mean to me if you tell me that being a little creep is wrong and i should stop."

obviously i friendslocked the game after that. but, like, what the fuck.

[troglobite]

okay real quick more thoughts abt the shows i'm watching don't make fun of me for the shows i'm watching

people genuinely think that ted and rebecca are going to end up together, that they are somehow endgame

and i'm just like

listen.

i may be completely in fanfiction hell over here w ted and trent, but at least i, an experienced Chronically Disappointed In Media Lesbian, know that i stand no chance of that happening and i'm like "lol bc it's fun! also it'd be great" and that what i DO actually think is that trent is queer.

but....the show...has in no way...........tried to make ted and rebecca happen. like the exact opposite. they're really good friends, they're each other's confidantes bc of their marriage issues. her telling him the truth and apologizing in season one sets a precedent for them being Safe People for each other.

at the same time, they clearly don't talk abt everything.

ted has told no one abt what michelle did (which apparently there's Discourse abt that, too, but the fact of the matter is this: dr jacob ain't onscreen enough for me to fling vitriol at him, but she IS onscreen and is not even remotely sorry, apparently, for what she did--over the course of like 3 years. but no she's not a villain just a kind of shitty person/wife/ex-wife) including rebecca

and i'm just

ppl are romantically giffing the exchange they had in the hallway where rebecca says "I BELIEVE IN YOU. TED. I BELIEVE IN YOU." with an absolute batshit crazed look in her eyes

ppl think....she was....trying to help HIM?

NO

SHE WAS TRYING TO REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY HIM INTO HELPING THE TEAM BEAT WEST HAM

and instead what happened was that she kept him from the locker room and KEPT HIM FROM DOING JUST THAT bc ted not being in the locker room meant that BEARD AND ROY SHOWED THEM THE VIDEO OF NATE AND GOT THEM SPITTING MAD

and people are treating that exchange as ROMANTIC????

y'all i thought i, a lesbian who loves queer romances in media, was absolutely losing it when i was like "fuck yeah, ted and trent"

ppl who genuinely think ted and rebecca are endgame are....absolutely fucking wild.

and that includes ppl who have other ships or don't even care abt that relationship--they genuinely think it's endgame.

like. is this how straight ppl feel when queer ppl are reading between the lines begging for a queer relationship to happen in a show? bc y'all are fucking wild.

oh how the turntables

anyway in other news if colin is the only canonically queer character in this show i WILL lose my fucking mind.

ppl i would bet money are queer, now having seen episode four:

colin, obviously, and his bf michael

at LEAST one other player on the team

KEELEY FUCKING JONES 1000000% that woman is bisexual as all get out and she WILL have some kind of Situation w jack.

TRENT FUCKING CRIMM i'm going to Eat Drywall if he's not queer. i'm sorry bud but who the fuck stands and walks and looks like that at your age in a fucking FOOTBALL STADIUM AND LOCKER ROOM and ISN'T QUEER????? my dude. my bro. you're queer as fuck.

now [grabby hands at the show] give it to me, pleeeeeeeease.

i'm asking nicely.

but also anyway it would be vastly more compelling to have had all of these straight relationships and then everything goes haywire (as it is) and things just end up weird. several relationships not being endgame. most people NOT ending up in relationships, actually. and then a couple of queer things going on. would be really nice.

bc legitimately the two theories that i've read that i'm like "yes that is 100000% something that the show would do, seems plausible that it could happen"

are that rebecca IS going to become a mom--but she'll either be single parenting or co-parenting bex's child w rupert.

and that--hang on i forgot the second one.

OH that shandy is going to out colin or something. right.

yeah it was a sucky one not the fun one where it's blatantly obvious that there's going to be Some Kind of Situation btwn keeley and jack. jack is gay. she's just gotta be. like COME ON.

anyway this is a show where i absolutely wanna go back and rewatch everything again bc like. they had a plan for 3 seasons, it seems, so the story is being told in full. so i want to LOOK for everything that they were setting up! there are a lot of callbacks that i'm missing, too, bc it's been a while.

but in general this is a very tightly written show that takes its past seriously (apart from that pre-madonna joke that was kind of weird?) and has like. clearly been building up to various things and stories. i think it'd be compelling to look back more closely. it's not like colin's storyline has come out of nowhere, i just figured it wouldn't fucking matter and had resigned myself to a Painfully Heterosexual Show but w delightful characters so i'd get over it bc the relationships weren't front and center, and also i generally liked everyone in them. like for example roy and keeley were very sweet.

anyway. it'd be some late game queer shit to have it all happen at once but then again this is genuinely a show abt fucking premier league football. aka one of the most homophobic situations in the world.

OH WAIT THIRD THING I THINK EVERYONE IS 100000% CORRECT ABOUT

that guy who came in to the pub in a west ham jersey and baz was like "he's with me"? that's his boyfriend. that's going to be relevant to colin's storyline, as well, which implies he's going to either come out or be outed. : / i have complicated feelings abt that and idk how the show's going to handle it. bc it's going to be. Bad. but i also don't want to see the--so far only canonically--gay character get gaybashed, right?

idk man.

generally i trust the writers bc they have had a vision or plan or whatever for the show

at the same time i'm like

[stares at these mostly american cishet white men]

yeah idk. lol

they have other people on the writing team, absolutely

the show isn't perfect, it does miss the nuance of some things for sure

but it's mostly enjoyable but now i'm sitting here like

DON'T FUCK THIS UP DON'T FUCK THIS UP DON'T FUCK THIS UP

handle colin's story well

clearly trent is gay or i'll eat fucking drywall (not literally this is not a binding contract)

keeley seems pretty fucking queer bro

don't fuck this up.

eight episodes to go. fingers crossed. as the show says, ~believe~ lol

but yeah ppl who think ted and rebecca will end up together absolutely baffle me

they're looking at the mountains of evidence of other shows and movies, which absolutely makes sense

but they're not paying attention to the actual text of the show and that's. wild. lol

the most romantic exchange they've ever had was that christmas episode, and that's just bc it was very love, actually for Everybody in that episode. but not all of it was romantic. roy's niece didn't have a crush on that boy and he didn't on her. but they love, actually'd it, y'know?

so anyway.

eta:

actually one final thought

the most compelling ending for ted is ending up single. realizing that what he tries to find in romantic relationships often just pushes him back into the more self-destructive, self-effacing patterns of behavior that are a problem. that he has an easier time relearning how to communicating in less high pressure situations.

he needs to deal w the trauma from his dad, and his fear of being alone. bc ultimately that's what compels him. he needs to be okay being alone at the end of the day, and idk if he is.

i think it's infinitely more compelling if he thus ends up alone--and is happy with that.

i don't think he's queer (though the text of the show is FINALLY adding some more actual queerness outside of keeley calling rebecca hot 24/7)

but i also don't think he's going to end up w any of these women. or maybe he's Not Alone in that he begins to value friendships even more. which sounds silly for someone like him but he just doesn't confide in people. he just doesn't.

i think it'd be more interesting for his story if he ends up romantically alone but infinitely more connected to everyone in his life bc he stops shoving everything down.

telling beard things and being honest w michelle is good.

but he needs to do that more.

anyway i guess that's my final thought on that. i don't see a romantic relationship working out for ted, bc it being rebecca, sassy, or michelle would just be utter fucking nonsensical chaos.

and we're in the last third of the story, which means no more new characters.

so that's it.

i don't think ted ends up w anyone.

i think he learns from all these relationships what he needs and he learns that not being in a romantic relationship is okay. he's not a failure. he's not ACTUALLY alone. and he needs to open up to ppl more.

okay thoughts Done.

i have no idea if roy and keeley get back together, i KNOW jamie and keeley won't (but i feel positive that she'll try to and jamie will turn her down), i have no idea where rebecca will end up romantically, but i think the more important thing to her is being a mom--which bex and baby diane are likely to offer.

i think romantic entanglements are fun for drama but i honestly think a lot of the characters are going to realize that's not....The Point.

rebecca mostly wants to be a mom.

keeley wants to be successful and supported and help raise others up

ted just doesn't want to be alone

roy--now that's a complicated one. but i think he just wants to feel useful.

jamie's already doing great, proud of you.

and we haven't seen enough of everyone else.

but those are the big ones.

so i'm genuinely not convinced that any relationships are fully "endgame" as it were. but especially any with ted.

i like ted and trent bc i think it'd be fun and compelling. i think their dynamic is sweet. i love trent as a character. i like the idea of ted being queer.

do i think that'll happen in the show? not at all.

do i think trent is likely queer in the show? absolutely.

but i just....

idk i think it would be healthier and more interesting if the relationships Weren't The Fucking Point.

which is also part of why i'm like ??? at ppl saying ted and rebecca are endgame. lol

[carbonateddelusion]

been reflecting on the kind of person I've become after these past 3 years since the anniversary of me leaving is coming up

I looked at your blog because I was trying to find images of Bennett's design... ended up going on a rabbit hole. idk if you've looked at my blog before but I haven't so much as peeped at yours in years, I stopped like a month after it happened because it was making me so much worse mentally

I dunno if you still feel that way about us, but I'm fine with you disliking me. I did a lot of fucked up shit and I'm sorry, you deserve to be mad. even though a general lack of understanding of boundaries bc of my upbringing and autism could excuse SOME behaviors, there's still a lot of shit that I can't excuse.

something I'm especially sorry about was treating your issues like they weren't as big as mine. I realize now how much you were suffering, and I was too blindsided by my own mental illness to see how terribly you were feeling and how unsupported you were. I remember feeling like I had to placate you because if I didn't things would fall apart again, and that isn't fair to you. I treated your feelings like an inconvenience and that you werent smart enough to get what was going on because I supposedly had so much more experience in suffering. that's not what good friends do to other friends.

anyway. I don't know if you'll ever read this or see it or whatever, but. I don't know how I feel about you. you represent the memories of a lot of pain from around that time in my mind. I don't HATE you, but I'd rather not think about you for too long. I'm very happy to see that you seem to be doing way better, though. you deserve that, and don't let shitty people like I was in the past hold you back

I think it might be interesting to catch up. if that's ever something you'd be fine with doing. I dunno of I'd be comfortable with it myself but whatever. I still think of you, and most of those thoughts are just "I hope they're doing okay".

please keep creating

[fettery-fetterie]

I ought you to understand this is gonna be a mess all the way through. Anyways

I guess I could describe it as like....tortino is a confident woman, which knows her status and her skill; she's a bit blunt on mannerisms(?) but ultimately doesn't mean harm, in fact, she puts credit where credit is due. She holds pride to herself without being egocentric, she holds knowledge to herself while sharing as much as she can

Does that make sense? Is that a good way to describe her?

Anyways,

I also really like how she like. Whenever is confused over what hlev says she doesn't really seem to mind? Or rather, she just kinda brushes it off? I feel if you ask somebody else they'd be like "oh it's bc she's his boss and has to act relatively nice to him". But I feel the real answer is just..."I am in no place to judge because I would/did the same"

-

It's the "cherish being able to know things" bit that just drives me mad. Like leaving well behind the fact it could just be a reference line. Of course she'd believe that. Of course she'd know how wonderful it is to hold knowledge. Of course she'd believe it's joy and something to cheer to

It's just...it makes perfect sense that her drive to be a photoslav comes from the yearning of knowledge, from innate human curiosity

Which like, to how I see myth hunting in general (the one for games anyways) is like that: humans being curious about the world they're surrounded in, which drives them to unravel what lines beneath

Tortino feels like that. She's doing this for sheer curiosity, she wants to know more about the world she lives in, thus, she takes on herself the task of revealing truth about incomprehensible, potentially paranormal phenomena.

(if so, why not go to sciences? Be a researcher? Well this is still an absurdist game about gta myth hunting it only makes sense she's insane. But my point stands)

I'd also like to say how she doesn't keep knowledge to herself, she shares what she sees and what she experiences/ed, cherishing being able to know things comes from the desire to know and the desire to share such

What's the point of holding knowledge if you don't give it to someone? What's the point of knowing something so niche only a few will truly get what it's about, and never telling? It's the worst kind of gatekeeping

Shared knowledge is double the knowledge, if you will

(also yeah it's literally bc she's the written tutorial for half the levels but. What I mean is that it would've been very easy to write her as a shitty boss who couldn't give less of a fuck about what hlev knows or gets to know

However, she expressed herself pretty clearly, and the information so far has been perfectly fine

Idk, I feel she understands how she is the mentor, and seems not opposed to that idea-

Because, like, as literally one of the CEOs of -what seems to be- a huge company. Why would she go out of her way to not only personally hire, but also train a new guy who might as well be a nobody? Like. What's the point of that? Surely she must have wayyyy better stuff to do, right?

Either this is for a very elaborate and complicated plan, or she simply feels compelled to do this. Both are vague ideas, but I feel the latter might be the case here. At least regarding her character)

-

I kinda get how someone like her would forget basic details about super myths. But it's still weird bc she still like. Says very clearly what the second quirk is

"I think it activates in response to something" my ass you know damn well the shield activates with the dash

And I feel it's just even more obvious when she just goes "y'know, don't even worry, you'll figure it out" ma'am those were obnoxiously easy clues what are you on

This either means she

A. Can't make connections that fast (likely but also not bc half her field is about making the most batshit insane connections ever known)

B. She genuinely forgot (💀)

Or C. She was testing hlev and she failed at making it even remotely challenging (bad liar teorija?)

It's even EVEN more obvious when she just goes back to having pretty clear info like COME ONNNNN

I don't really have much to say here honestly it's just. Really silly lmao

-

She looks more comfortable and relaxed on big myth co, actually. That's cute

I guess at this point she starts to loosen up when it comes to hlev's skill? She has seen what hlev's capable of: "you've proven your metal a few times now on the job". I think she may start trusting hlev from this point on

Trust as in hlev might not need to be guided anymore, or at least not as heavily

I guess you could also make the argument that she starts trusting him on a more personal level too, something something about finding someone who can understand her own insanity and whatnot. Match her freak, if you will

It's still too early to call that yet tho. But maybe in the future

-

Yeah see this is what I meant when I said she puts credit where credit is due. "Damn, you're good. This is why we hired you for the job. Keep it up and you'll even surpass me."

Like. Like c'mon. That's one hell of a compliment alright? Have the very CEO of the company you just started working on tell you could even surpass her skill is just HUGE

And from the other side too, bc she doesn't seem like the kinda person to throw insanely huge compliments and comparisons like that

She knows she is a very skilled photoslav, which is why she feels confident mentoring a hiree about certain vague stuff. And when she notices the skill this guy has she goes and actively compliments it. And this is me skipping the part at that start of SRM bc she also praises it. Like cmonnnnnnnnnmmn

-

I think I'm done now. Ok. Yeah told you it was gonna be a mess

Hope you enjoyed reading this monster of a ramble tho!

[moonjxsung]

uni classes officially finished yesterday! awh man sorry to hear you've been so busy and tired :( im sure the break from the phone was needed WHAAA SO EXCITING SO HAPPY FOR YOU THAT YOU GOT TO EXPERIENCE THAT OMG tbh I'm not doing too hot... on top of the stress and burn out from uni... I got cyberharrassed by people from my univeristy yesterday on our year's server ... :( basically people were being jerks and playing "jokes" on random people (NOT funny jokes ... like I mean tagging random people and harassing them for homework (which doesn't exist) and accusing their targets of lying when they say they aren't enrolled in the class even when they gave evidence - the poor souls were so confused and concerned) and like just saying shitty stuff about how certain faculties are "useless" and for stupid people ... so I step in and tell them to stop it cause its not funny cause they're all like "its just a joke" ... so when i said that they were like "nah its hella funny" (by they, I mean like 3-4 people are ganging up on me at this point and I couldn't report this to the server mods cause one of them WAS A FREAKING MOD) and then they were like "we should ban you" and were like "I'll bet ur in the stupid people faculty" (which I'm not, but I was so enranged that they kept calling arts a useless stupid faculty so I didn't deny it) and so I excused myself and said "I see I am a minority here [in thinking these things they are doing/saying are unkind and unfunny] so I will leave now" and then they were like "noooooooooo we love minorities" ... "even the bad ones" ... "lmao jk" and then they said "no one likes you go kys" ... so I left the server because I absolutely don't need fucking assholes and worthless losers telling me that :) like. I dont even know theses people. So what they say shouldnt matter. but fuck it hurt so bad :( like these are people MY age who go to MY uni who are probably in my classes or smth like idk I just wasnt expecting such blantant unkindness... I guess that's naive of me ... idk it just really sucked ... like I'm basically fine now cause those kinds of people literally don't matter to me, but it sucks that people like that exist, yknow? like fuck, what if they had said that to someone else who really took it to heart and really did do what they said... like wtf how are there people LIKE THIS :( also, I hate confrontation, so I got like a panic attack after the whole incident and couldnt sleep until 3 am and then woke up at 8 to go to work....... for an 8 hour shift......... and i was so freaking mad at myself for letting it affect me so much cause I WASTED SO MUCH STUDY TIME LIKE UGH idk im just alkdjflkjadklfjdkjfk jakfj my only condolance at this point about the whole thing is the people the jerks targeted/the victims messaged me privately to thank me for stepping in. so at least my actions were not in vain. also im sorry about all the cursing... I RAREly curse... im just so ajsfdkjak over this :( Sorry for dumping all that, do not feel pressured at all to respond to all of that ILY STAR pls continue to take care of urself 🫶💕 🌱

Oh my god??????? This is literally insane?????? What the actual hell is WRONG with people…. And doing that shit in a school server???? What the hell??????

Good on you for standing up for yourself and the others who were getting harassed and for leaving when you did! College students can be so weird bc I feel like they often forget that acting out of turn publicly in a server or online or wherever can absolutely have DIRE consequences for your future and it’s just playing with fire at that point. I remember there was a very famous case of students at Harvard who had a discord server where they sent all sorts of racist/sexist/ableist etc. memes and they legit got KICKED OUT of college when it was brought to light. As a college student you should be acting as though you’re being carefully monitored by your school or even a potential employer at all times, it’s literally so risky to be acting out of turn like that where people can easily report you. And on that note, I hope someone reports them and the server at least gets taken down bc sending death threats like that is absolutely vile, and to your own classmates???? What the hell

I hope you’re feeling better now angel ☹️ I’m so sorry you had to work a long shift after all that, I would’ve been panicking too! But at least know that you did the right thing and if they get in trouble for it, you can’t be blamed for being complicit in their trashy behavior. Your future isn’t at risk like theirs is!

Take some time to relax and try not to think about their words, they’re likely saying that to everybody and it’s not worth dwelling over insults they’re throwing around to every person who breathes in their direction. They’re just a bunch of LEWSERSSSSS 🤢🤢🤢🤢 I love you bby feel better soon ☹️💖💘💞💕💝🫶 here for you if you need anything at all !!

[daz4i]

putting thoughts in text in hopes it'll clear my mind enough to sleep 🫡 (aka. a vent. maybe a call for advice...? tho idk if there is any)

i feel like. maybe. i'm having such a hard time lately (beyond like, making a lot of big changes in my life and lowkey overhauling it) bc i'm filled with opposing and contradicting emotions and thought processes

i am on the path to recovery. but i don't want it, bc i want to die. i need to put in a lot of effort into doing anything, but i don't have any energy, in part bc i don't want to do any of this. i know in order to be more stable i need to be kinder to myself, but i don't think i should be, bc i don't think i deserve it and idk how to do it and it's not a good driving force for me bc i'm already lenient with myself enough as is and and and look it's all excuses at the end of the day, truth is i just don't want to

i don't know what i want. ig death is the only thing really. unfortunately that's too much effort too (really i'm just scared of the repercussions of a failed attempt). but i can't move anywhere like that. i don't have a direction. bc i don't want anything

but at the same time i do, like. i want too much. and that's the issue ig. bc it's unachievable. and i'm not willing to settle for anything less. bc nothing is ever enough no matter what

my singing teacher kinda called me out on this today lol like how i'm never giving myself any kind words or how i'm never proud of doing good even tho in her opinion i'm already great. i can't ever be proud of my achievements (in general, not just singing) bc they don't feel like achievements to me ig. bc ik there's always better, so what's the point in less, yknow? to compare it to video games. yeah bronze medals or half collections are fun at first but at some point it's frustrating to not get gold or 100%. but it takes way too much work to get there or relies on things you can't even do

not even getting into things ppl in my life consider achievements when i do them, even tho i know they're below the bare minimum for a normal person lol (like any of the mental health shit i do today). not to mention how much i struggle with it anyway, i can't even get through things that are meant to be fun without feeling like i'm dying before during and/or after them

or how awful it feels to be unable to do things i used to. not even when i'm looking far back (<- peaked at 13-14 y/o) but even like, oh last month i was able to complete this task easily, this month i had a severe panic attack trying to do it or ended up being unable to do it at all

i wanna say i'm trying but idk if i am. bc i have no goal. i am definitely putting in effort, too much by my own standards tbh (hence why i'm in a constant state of debilitating stress and why my body feels like it's falling apart all the time) but it feels all over the place, like instead of pushing a boulder up a hill it's pushing multiple of those but on different hills. just running back and forth between them before i can even get a single boulder to any top

idk how to go at it in a different way or a different pace tho. idk how to make it better. i already committed to this program and if i leave it now i won't be able to get it again later in life. and like, i got into it in the first place for a reason, life of Nothing is so fucking boring and i got tired

but before i started it. i told my friend that being this depressed and doing nothing is better than being this depressed and trying to do things bc at least i'm not putting in meanless effort. and he got mad - we had this conversation more than once and he got mad every time - and said i can't know that, and that if i did things i may not be as depressed. well now i AM doing things and as expected i was right!!!!!!! it IS fucking shitty!!!!!! i AM getting worse!!!!! in ways i wasn't before, even!!!!!! and maybe it's bc i'm so fucking stubborn and it only happened bc i expected it too, but it's not like i can turn it off 🤷‍♂️ that shit happened subconsciously

so that just makes me think. again. how am i supposed to get better like this. my own body and brain battle me on every move and make it thrice as hard, things that are already hard as is, and i am very very weak and don't have any tools to deal with hardships (before you suggest therapy, I've been in dbt for years, my therapist just gave up on me bc he already taught me all of it and nothing ever worked bc my brain is fundamentally broken) so in this 2 on 1 battle i am not even armed in any way, obviously i'm getting wrecked no matter what

(one might argue that part of the issue is me seeing my body and brain as opponents rather than just me. and to that i say. bro if you had these they'd be your enemies too, this shit is hopeless, they're built for suffering is2g if you wanna feel anything positive that's a bummer ig. bc you won't. ever. and no amount of therapy and no medication and no life changes seems to help. and it's been 14 years of only getting worse. not that you were doing great before, you just didn't actively want to kys, bc you didn't know it was an option. so. 25 years of getting worse really. god i'm too old to be this fucking useless still lol)

[voidtheacesuccubus]

1. Asexual, recently added Quoiromantic

For further context I am nonbinary, but visually indistinguishable from a perfectly "regular" cis het woman, giving me the classic cis-het-woman-problems in dating as a base line. Like, we're really out there playing among us with a bunch of "nice guys". Somewhere is an abusive asshat, but you don't know where and you're guaranteed to be at a complete physical disadvantage should he try something shitty. Also for some reason it's always a totally innocent guy who gets kicked out of the ship first.

2. Romance in theory nice, in reality gives me anxiety bc I feel like I'm too stupid for it and a partner doesn't feel loved by me

Touching/Hugging only with permission but can be nice

Kissing (with permission) very dopamine printer button, I only care about who does it to me bc shit like herpes exists.

Sex (with consent) very dopamine printer button but I am too stupid for it and get anxiety if I have to come up with ideas myself. And the partner literally doesn't matter outside of my trust issues and, again, getting sick. Imagine the dog meme going "no attraction! Only sex!"

Love nice in theory gives me anxiety in practice bc see romance, very one-sided situation, not because I don't love but bc I can't express it

QPR very new concept to me, feels like the ideal thing the more I read about it though. Kinda what I always imagined a romantic relationship would be before I recently realized damn I'm an idiot nobody(outside of aros) else thinks this way

Significant other I love the idea of having a very close, personal partner to battle whatever life throws at you with, I hate how possessive some people are about them. I am my own person, not one half of a conjoined unity.

One night stands in theory very interesting, I am hypersexual after all, but in practice I have nothing exciting to offer and would be at the complete mercy of a sex-hungry stranger, not a comfortable position to be in when you're *complicated*.

Porn gives me nothing. I'm not a visual type.

Smut of fictional characters I already have some kind of emotional bond to is amazing, can't get enough of it, love you AO3 M rating writers, doing Dodo Jesus's work.

Dates are ugh. Tell me upfront what you hope to achieve, otherwise any hints you place will go right over my head and I will be an anxious mess because of it. Nothing is worse than a guy misunderstanding you and having expectations that don't get met. So I don't actively seek out dates, but avoid them at all costs. Unless they're established friends. I go on dates with my hetero male friends all the time and at this point we're all just laughing about how other people think we're a couple.

Yeah I should maybe have suspected this aro-spec-thing a lot earlier...

3. Most people just put me right back into the allo-box when I say I'm not repulsed by sex, then get annoyed when it turns out I'm not lol. Not that I'm mad, I'm annoyed with myself, too, because it makes obtaining (consentual) sex as a hypersexual very hard.

4. Not really, but I don't tell many people because why would it matter to them, it's only relevant for romantic(-esque) relationships and only one guy ever got that far with me. He was not aphobic, just confused, but same mate, same.

5. I am autistic, which has a massive impact on all this. The alexithymia is strong with me, my connection to my feelings overall is bad, but with romantic feelings it seems much worse. Maybe I can mend this one day, maybe I will not go ???? when things get romantic at some point. But right now this is where I am, which is why I adopted the Quoiromantic label.

And I'm ace bc all people are equally unattractive to me. I can go "nice fashion" or "such skill making that hair" but people overall give me nothing, not a single attractive person on this dirtball.

The Aspec Questionaire

Aspec is such a vast category and one some folks (especially allo folks) tend to treat like a monolith. So I thought it’d be good to do a little questionnaire to demonstrate.

(Skip anything you don’t want to answer.)

1. How do you identify?

2. How do you feel about the following, one word answers are fine if you want:

- - Romance

- - Touching

- - Hugging

- - Kissing

- - Sex

- - Love

- - Queer Platonic Relationships

- - A Significant Other

- - One Night Stands

- - Porn (Video)

- - Smut (Written)

- - Dates/Dating

3. What is the thing you think most people misunderstand about your identity?

4. Have you encountered aphobia in your life?

5. Anything else you’d like to add on the topic?