#just content myself with making silly fanart and fanfiction for now

[wolfhoundish]

D.A.M.N sleepover shenanigans!! Diya's hiding her face cuz she's camera shy

[allastoredeer]

The ship name switch actually comes from manga/anime fandoms! I haven't been in any recently, but back in ye old days people could get very intense about who tops and who bottoms and switches were practically unheard of, so the names were kinda necessary. NaruSasu vs SasuNaru for example. You won't believe how much people fought over positions, it even got parodied in some japanese media. On a slightly related note, are you okay with top al content where the characters are properly portrayed? Or none at all? No judgment, we all should enjoy the fandoms however we like ^^

Oh 👀 that makes sense I wouldn't have heard about it then. I watched a handful a anime, but the only one I dipped my toes into was My Hero Academia, and even then, I didn't go that deep. I read a few fics, but that was the extent of it.

Fighting over who tops, bottoms, and switches is so silly. An argument can be made for any character being a top, bottom, or switch, because sexual preference/positions isn't something that can determined by a handful of personality traits. There's no check-list a characters has follow to be "deemed" a top. Or a bottom. Or a switch.

At the end of the day, it's literally just what the fan prefers for that pairing. And I think the more people accept that they can like specific dynamics without having to argue for their right to like it, the better and less-toxic a fandom will be. You should never have to defend why you like a character, or a ship, or anything else, because sometimes you just like it. You vibe with it. No other reason required.

As for the top!Al content, it can be kind of tricky to deem something as "properly portrayed" when, technically, everyone's portrayal is going to be different, and every portrayal isn't going to be 100% in-line with the show.

I think considering something as properly portrayed is wholly dependent on the fan and how they relate to the show and the characters. No fanfiction or fanart is going to be completely true to the show or characters. I don't even think that's possible XD Fans inject so much of themselves and their experiences into fan-content, that every portrayal can be considered properly done given the right audience.

But, if top!Al and bottom!Luci were written in a different way--maybe something that didn't UwU-ify Lucifer so much or make Alastor out to be this big, domineering alpha-male--I think I could like it.

I'm very picky with characterization. There are some details I can easily overlook, but depending on how certain things are written, it can take me out of the story so badly I can't even force myself to finish reading. (Believe me, I've tried. I found a Spideypool fic once that was so well written it was love at first sight. The humor was on point, the plot was intriguing, the dynamic between them was fun, but there was a small, little, itty-bitty detail in their interactions that kept popping up and it took me out of the fic so bad, I couldn't keep going. I tried to finish the fic, multiple times, but I never got very far.)

Funnily enough, when I was first scouring the internet for content after the show ended, I actually bookmarked a handful of top!Al and bottom!Luci on Twitter. But with how it's currently being portrayed across the fandom, any enjoyment I had for it has soured. I just don't vibe with the majority of top!Al I see now.

I've always liked bottom!Al though, and I've been seeing a lot more content for it lately! I've been eating well 😋

[anonymous-dentist]

since people apparently cant be formal im going to be: we dont use "q!" cuz people kinda dont want to talk abt the server, only spiderbit/guapoduo, so they decided to use "g!" or only "!", and when people are refering to other series they use the first letter of the series for example: "c!roier", i myself dont quite get the g!/! and understand why u dont like people not using "q!" when the universe they talking abt is qsmp

(people saw u complaining abt it here and start to shit on u without any context on twt and saying u complained that q wanst appearing in other fics even tho im pretty sure i didnt when ur distancing urself from him so i wanted to be formal :])

-🎀

(also can u explain y u dont like the "g!" or "!"???)

I can try to explain myself, but I'm also kinda crying answering this because I have a hard time with emotion regulation when I'm upset (autism thing)

OKAY! SO!

I don't really mind the new tag things? Like, I don't love them, but they're fine. If people want to distance themselves, that's fine. I'm distancing myself. Anybody who's been keeping up with my blog over the past half a year or so can see that I haven't really posted about the QSMP at all since Purgatory started. I haven't talked about Quackity at all outside of that shitshow of an awards ceremony in over a month when, for several years, I was a Quackity-centric blog (2021-early 2023)

My thing with the new tags, and with the Guapoverse thing in general, is that it really just isn't accessible for a larger audience. Sure, some parts of Twitter might understand it, but what about the rest of us?

As far as I can tell, the Guapoverse originated with a Twitter artist (Moone), and it blew up overnight. And I'm overall cool with it! It's a little silly, but so is fandom. I'm a fanfiction writer. Who plays Splatoon for like 4 hours every day. I know silly, and I love it

But then, BAM, I blink and everybody's abandoned the q! and they're changing their tags on Ao3 and making everything suddenly so much harder to find, and it's all about accessibility, isn't it? Like, don't get me wrong, I love a good multiverse, but when it inadvertently excludes a significant portion of the fandom, what are we supposed to do?

Like, say I go on Twitter looking for q!Pac fanart. But now it's so much harder to find because it isn't tagged or typed that way, it's !Pac, and that includes search results from every single au that has a ! in it, like if there was an au called AU!Pac? The !Pac would be in there. But I don't want to see AU!Pac, I want to see q!Pac.

And then there's the g! thingy. Like, that's fine, but a little more widespread of an explanation would've been nice. Like, what au does g! stand for? If you don't know what Guapoverse is, like A LOT OF PEOPLE don't, what are we supposed to think your art is? If we're looking for q!Cellbit art, we aren't necessarily going to like and retweet your art if it's labeled as g!Cellbit because we don't know that he's q!Cellbit.

It's kind of similar on Ao3, only that one's a little different because you can filter by relationship. But let's say you don't know how to do that. Let's say you're new to the website and you only know how to filter by fandom, because that's the first thing you learn how to do on Ao3- it's right there at the top of the front page: Browse By Fandom.

So you go to the QSMP tag looking for fics with Spiderbit/Guapoduo in them. But, here's the thing, you can't find any. Because they aren't being tagged QSMP, they're being tagged Guapoverse now even if the fics are being set in the QSMP setting.

It's just a general lack of fandom accessibility that gets me. I understand the distancing aspect, and I've been waiting for it to happen since the Elections when he Brazilian fandom started getting IMMENSE amounts of hatred from Gringo Chats. But it gets a little tricky when you're part of a fandom as large as this one is. How are we all supposed to share content and talk about things with each other if we can't even find each other anymore?

Like! I've lost so many cool fics I forgot to bookmark because they were taken out of the QSMP tag and moved into the new one! (The new one goes against ToS btw I believe, but go talk to a tag wrangler about that.)

People on Tumblr don't know what the Guapoverse is. TikTok doesn't. Reddit doesn't. Only Twitter does, and only a section of Twitter does. Because I haven't seen any English or French-speaking Guapoduo People talk about the Guapoverse, only Portuguese or Spanish-speaking people. And I get that the exclusion isn't purposeful and that the Guapoverse is meant to sort of heal everybody from the wounds the QSMP left, but I think that maybe even just spreading the news and not... you know... sending death threats and insults and smearing people's names would be better than this.

Thank you for politely asking. I thought I had made myself clear before, but I guess I hadn't.

I'm open to answer any more questions. I can't explain myself to my critics on Twitter, but I can answer your questions here, hopefully.

[as8bakwthesage]

My Experience With Lily Orchard + Fuck Her

Now, if those of you who know me or have been following me for a while will know that I used to be a massive Lily Orchard fan. I used to support her, I defended her, and I was once a member of her patron even.

I’ve heard stories from people, former friends, former fans, about how much of a manipulating and nasty bitch she is. At best, she’s lashed out at fans for drawing innocuous fanart and for bringing up topics in stream that she doesn’t approve of (I’ve been there, I’ve seen it), and at worst she’s a lying abusive cunt who can’t help but make people around her miserable.

And while I’ve not been the subject of Lily’s abuse, I have been witness and bore the blunt of her passive aggressive horseshit, her manipulating situations to make me appear like a cunt for daring to correct her on an opinion of a book she never fucking read, her shamelessly putting me on blast in one of her videos where she insinuated I was stupid for asking a question about LGBT+ rep, for telling me and other fans to stop talking when we tried to defend our positions in chat.

I’ve had to walk on eggshells around her because I feel like every word I say or anything I do will be seen as an attack on her despite me being a fan of hers for literally fucking years and she knows this. I’ve been a fan of hers since I was 15-16 and I’m 22 now. With no other content creator have I felt the need to be so fucking careful of what I say.

And when I sent her an ask telling her that her yelling at others on stream for seemingly no reason was actively triggering me (mind you, in the nicest way possible because I couldn’t hurt Ms. Orchard’s feewings oh nuuuu) she ignored my ask. Do I have proof she saw it? No. Is she a large enough content creator that she receives so much interaction/asks on her tumblr that my ask got swallowed? Also No.

If you’re a Lily Orchard fan, I am not a needless hater, I am not a stalker or a troll or a bigot. I’m a transgender and biromantic/asexual person myself who is Native and actively participates in activities regarding my tribe and culture. I’m white passing like Lily is. I used to be a fan of hers for fuck’s sake and an active one too.

But here’s the thing - she’ll suck you in with her bold commentary and criticisms and some of it is genuinely really thought provoking and interesting. On the outset she has a “no tolerance for abusers” policy and she’s charismatic to an audience of teenagers who were being abused. Fuck, she helped me realise I was being abused and when the Toonkritic shit came out, that slowly started to help me realise I was being groomed by my exe (TheHauntedReader)

I convinced myself for the longest time that just because Lily wrote “Stockholm” that it didn’t mean anything. That all of her weird takes and opinions were just a quirky “haha i did this in my youth and i regret it” moment. But this isn’t 13-year-old me writing weird fanfiction between an adult and a child when I didn’t fucking know any better and was being actively groomed and abused, this was an adult who wrote CP and romanticised it and tried to get away with it and who should have known better!

And once you are a fan of hers, it’s hard not to become emotionally invested, especially if you’ve always seen her behaviour as normal, which I did. A lot of her fans are abuse/trauma survivors and she knows that. So many of us have confided to her that she helped us realise we could be happier and that we could escape. That we were more than our abuse. These are powerful things to talk about.

But she doesn’t care about us. Never has. Never will. She convinced me and has convinced others that us asking her stupid/silly questions is damaging to her. That it’s caused her so much emotional damage and stress that she can justify lashing out and verbally abusing her audience, y’know - the people who gave her a career. By her own admission, she hates us, but expects our support when she’s being harassed??

Girl, fuck off.

But that is just my own experience. I’ve seen some shit in the past couple of days that I can’t unsee and I encourage you all to look into it because it’s such a dark hole that the phrase “stare into the abyss for too long and it stares back” is what I feel like right now.

And I know why I feel like this - I invested energy and money and emotions into this woman and her channel. I’ve supported her. And no, Lily, this is not about me wanting to be your friend. It’s about me asking for some fucking decency as someone you at least know of and at most you know supported you? To not lie and misrepresent what I’ve said and then vaguepost about me?

Have I made mistakes? Yes. But that’s no excuse to berate and yell at people who have only asked stupid questions or fuck, even made goddamn harmless jokes??

Also, if fans/friends of Lily’s are harassing @asunnycoffee you guys are the fucking worst. Don’t fucking attack my friend you raging cunts. I have a couple ideas of who you might be, but I know you won’t air out your dirty laundry with me, Ginger.

You guys are pathetic.

Lily doesn’t care about her fans, she doesn’t care about her friends, and she’s certainly not going to start anytime soon.

[aerkan]

❄️☁️🎨🧩

Hello love!

❄️ (What's your dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best?)

This is very hard to answer, because if I want something done with certain characters I very often try to write it myself (hence why I get sidetracked so frequently lol). But if I had to choose one dream fic of mine that I don't have the courage to write myself, it would be a more in-depth retelling of the Odyssey (maybe one where Odysseus gets home earlier 👀) with all the gruesome implications the original provided explored to the details. And as for who I think would write it best... I'm quite torn between three people. So, they can share the first place xd

@storm-elf , @inahandful-of-dust and @bgtea (because I adore their Entirely Out of Spite fic which explores emotions and grief very well)

☁️ (What made you choose your username?)

It's really nothing fancy. I knew I wanted one that would remain ambiguous as to what my gender was so I could use it in peace everywhere I ventured. I kept the first letter of my given name and then just played with the alphabet until it sounded right (by no intention of mine, it does sounds like a fantasy name xd)

🎨 (link your favourite piece of fanart and explain why you like it)

Alright, if I had to choose one specific one then the first one which comes to mind is this amazing fanart of Tony Stark. (There are of course a lot more but this one just makes me feel a certain way I can't really explain but I'll try!)

It's by Hallpen on DeviantArt. Definitely check them out, they have more amazing fanarts on their page.

Now, why I love this one so much. It's the warm colours, the smile on his face, the small heart on his chest and the snap of his fingers. It's perfect. I love it because it represents a version of Tony Stark we've never got see. The relaxed, happy even content version. Every time I look at it I see a Tony that was never betrayed by his friends, that never had to sacrifice his own mind to protect his loved ones. I see a man who didn't have to die for the good of the universe.

I grew up watching the journey this silly little inventor went on. I cheered and cried in the theater with and for this man. There won't ever be another Tony Stark for me. Even I can't quite comprehend the ache in my chest whenever I remember that he's gone. I miss him like I would miss a member of my family, because in a way this character has been in my life just as long as some of my oldest friends. I will never be that child again, who watched the Iron Man for the first time with awe in my eyes and it rips me open.

This fanart takes that pain and transforms it into a kinder sort of ache that still brings tears to my eyes but also a smile to my face, because seeing Tony Stark happy will always be my roman empire.

Oooooo, sorry for that ramble lol.

🧩 (What will make you click away from a fanfiction immediately?)

I have five things I can't get over. First person pov, REALLY bad grammar, mpreg, omegaverse and age regression (the 'only mentally' kind, I'm sorry but I can't stand it)

Thank you Lumi for the ask! ^^<3

[princeanxious]

are you out of the TSS fandom for good, do you think? just burned out on lack of updates?

I mean, it's complicated.

Edit: pressed answer instead of save to drafts while trying to back out, tumblr what the fuck

Anyway, it's complicated. I've become burnt out creatively lately, and I've been part of the sanders sides Fandom since 2018, it's been a big portion of my life, I'm not letting it go that easily.

However, this is my main blog, and I cant really shift everything to a new side blog, so I do feel bad for those who followed me exclusively for sanders sides are now seeing a v distinct lack of it.

But for the most part, yeah, I'm burned out on a lack of updates, I was a fander creator doing as much as I could to create content to entertain myself just as much as for others in-between the hiatus-gaps while awaiting updates. I love these characters with all my heart, but every gap in between has gotten longer and longer, I can't keep waiting for a year at a time for one single update even if the finished product is grand and *absolutely worth* the time it took to make. I was scrambling, bc I no longer have the time I used to to create my own fanart and fanfiction and animatics for this fandom, and I can only reread the library of my favorite saved works over so many times before I feel hollow and under-stimulated.

It'd be one thing if the rest of the fandom was as active as it used to be, I bounce off others creative energy far easier than single handedly manifesting my own inspirations all the time. But it's not, and interaction with my own content slowed way down. (Not to say that I'm leaving just bc of this or anything, but its become a struggle to feel motivated to keep going when there's literally nothing new from Canon to keep riffing from.)

I have the want to finish my remaining fics, specifically The Lost Guardian in particular at the very least, but I just can't solely be a sanders sides blog like I used to be.

I'll be here when that season finale comes out, but at this rate of progression, I think Thomas has overestimated the fact that this could very well be a series finale, not season finale. And I've come to peace with that, if only Thomas would be more transparent abt it.

Sure, Thomas has other content, but funfact, I've had very relatively low interest in getting super into it, there isn't the same level of comfort in shipping characters of a single person with the versions themselves when other characters played by other people are involved, especially when u know that they are alot of his v close friends. I don't ship real world actors together, especially if they play a character very close to representing themselves. The characters they play, maybe, but that's why I'm far more entertained and comfortable with animated media.

In short, I'm tired and burnt out and for now-for *whatever* reason- the silly lanky clown jesters from fnaf have more of a grasp on my brain than sanders sides does. I'm following the serotonin.

I may still create sanders sides content in the future, but getting maybe 100-500 notes on a piece when u have a fandom following of roughly 11.5k followers from over the years has spoken volumes on how active the community is rn. I'm not leaving, but I can't be stagnant and hyperfixate on this anymore after doing so for almost 6 years straight. Yknow?

And for those who have always left a comment, shared my work, interacted with me in any capacity over the years in this fandom, and have made my time in this fandom worth while, thank you. I love you. U have made every second worth it💜

[krowspiracyanon]

There are even more minors on Bsky than on Tumblr it seems. Or maybe they’re just more open about it. They’re in every mature space and overrunning anything I might have an interest in.

Fandom skews so very young now. I steer clear of the 18-19 year olds, maintain what I hope are appropriate boundaries with the lower 20s, and straight up block anyone under 18.

But I’m wondering if I’m getting a bit too old for what fandom is now. I find myself stepping away from a lot of media or quickly being turned off it because I just do not feel comfortable there.

Pure fine art spaces are intimidating and a bit dry. Not a lot of goofy downtime fun there. Those and original fiction are currently more work and focus than I have the resources for so I probably won’t make the transition yet.

But… there is fanart and fanfiction that I’m just not sharing and feel discouraged from making. I’m even second guessing dark memes or being silly goofy because edgy crass humour attracts the kids. I’m self censoring. Not necessarily because it’s violent or sexually explicit. Or anything illegal.

It’s more that I’m uncomfortable and inhibited about creating or engaging around people in wildly different developmental stages to me. Especially if it’s anything emotionally complex or doesn’t match the idealogical purity of something created for teens or children.

I am an adult and often draw on my own life experiences to create things that are challenging, realistic, and messy. And that can be a problem.

The very young people (or kids) seek out “adult content” because they’re drawn to the edge but often miss the point.

They can’t seem to distinguish fiction from reality. Don’t understand how to deal with trolls or not be a troll. Can’t manage conflict or disagreement in a mature way.

For some every situation, hypothetical question, piece of art or adult space is interpreted as sexualized and perceived as an invitation to engage with it in that way.

Others don’t understand that not every character is them and would behave differently. Or that the villain or the author is not their RL abuser. They don’t understand that sometimes depiction is deconstruction or even critique.

There is no nuance. There are no shades of grey. No understanding of an unreliable narrator or why the curtains are blue.

I can’t count on them to have mature or respectful reactions to anything they see that is too complex for their age group or outside of their life experience. With the kids that ignore 18+ signposting or lie about their age I can’t even expect them to respect basic boundaries.

In fact I think a lot of the harassment of creators may have been because people were not at a stage to be able to manage their reactions to the content they sought out.

Also… I’m simply a grown ass adult and don’t like constantly being mixed in with kids or teens. Or brand new adults.

I have no idea what the solution is because I don’t want the privacy invasion of bills like KOSA (similar measures are still going ahead outside the USA).

I’m just frustrated because the online spaces I can enjoy as an adult are few and my comfort zone for engaging is getting smaller.

[fionamk1001]

Time to pitch in my two cents and say this, especially since I just bought some merch from his store.

Techno was one of the greatest people I ever had the pleasure of watching on YouTube. He had never truly demeaned another for their gaming skills, but instead did it in a way that allowed others to laugh and see the silliness of it all. He never, not once, treated himself like he was above everyone else, and he was always incredibly patient with his fanbase. He always followed in step with our chaotic energy and played it off like a pro, especially in terms of his character.

When chat was revealed to be voices in his head, it was like we were brought into the loop of his character. He was experiencing everything and we were along for the ride, and those times, lurking in his chat and joining in and being a chaotic shit, will always be one of the best times of my life, times I will continue to look back on no matter how much I end up crying my eyes out:

I know people like myself have followed this icon of a man for a long, long time and many are at a ultimatum of what to do now.

I say: if you want to continue making fan-pieces for his character, weather it be art, music, or fanfiction, then go right ahead! There is no shame in continuing to write or draw for him, because he would want his fanbase to keep being happy. Even now with some of my stuff, I’m starting to write it again because it’s what makes me happy. I can finally feel settled knowing that this legacy of his has grown to such a degree that I know his fans will never stop loving him and that he’ll never stop loving us.

So if you have stories for this man, write them. You want do a piece of fanart, draw it. You want to compose of piece of music centered around him (like Syndicate or Voices, or Injustice), put it out there. All because doing all of those things, are what fans do and it makes them feel happy. Never listen to those who tell you to stop doing what you love doing, even if the person it’s centered one is gone, because here’s the reality:

Technoblade is not truly dead.

He will remain alive as long as his legacy lives and that legacy lives through so many people (12 million, in fact). It lives through his friends, his family, his colleagues, and his most of all, his fans. His memory will continue to live, through the fan content we make and the streams and videos that we’re still able to watch to this day. It’s ok to be a fan, especially to him, because you wouldn’t be the only one. You, the one reading this right now, along with so many other people, are helping keep his memory alive, helping keep his legacy alive.

Alright, rant and sentimental speech over. All of what I said rings true and don’t let anyone think that you’re not able to do what makes you happy. Hopefully soon, I get my PasserinexDSMP fic done soon so I can post it. There is going to be an OC of mine making an appearance, but I hope it turns out to be a good read regardless.

Thank you guys and have a stellar day! ❤️❤️❤️

[insfiringyou]

BTS - A Chance Meeting (V & Ara)

Contains: Slight angst

*Alert for potential spoilers for fics not yet written in Jimin x Ara’s storyline*

Ara notices Taehyung sat alone in a quiet cafe and decides to stop by. 

You can find out more about our headcanon universe and ongoing storyline here and more about our headcanon girlfriends here.

To read each member & their girlfriend’s headcanon universe fics in order, follow the links here: RM   /   Jin /   Suga /   J-Hope   /   Jimin   /   V   /   Jungkook & our full masterlist of fanart and fanfictions can be found here

If you wish to follow all member’s storylines in chronological order from the beginning, you can find them listed here.

Content below the cut

Ara hesitated, before tapping lightly on the single-pane glass with her fingernails. She didn’t want to draw too much attention but was unable to stop herself from knocking. It was a surprise to see him after so long and she had double-taken in the street. His hair was a little longer, but that was expected. The last time he had just returned from the military and his short, closely-cropped cut made him seem more somber; years older than he was. Now it was back to a length she found more familiar but the dark, wispy suggestion of facial hair on his upper lip was new. He seemed lost in thought, sat in the back of the cafe with a small cup clutched between his fingers, staring into space. Despite her being gentle, the sound seemed to startle him and he looked up. Ara gave a tentative wave, hoping he recognised her. 

She tucked her fringe behind her ear, watching him pause before he raised his hand slightly in acknowledgement. Her bleached strands felt unfamiliar as she brushed the neck of her hair; the short, pixie cut still freshly blow-dried from the hairdressers that morning. She had asked Da-eun to do it for her but the young woman had refused, thinking she might get into some kind of trouble for it. Ara understood, after all, she had not yet spoken to her manager about a change in style.

Taking the plunge, she tucked her black purse beneath her armpit and walked around the corner to the entrance; the soft tinkle of a bell above the door signalling her arrival. She could not read Taehyung’s expression as she approached his table at the back of the small space but hoped she was not intruding. He was sat snugly behind a column which, luckily, seemed private. The cafe only had a small handful of customers but she looked around cautiously before joining in. 

“Hi…” She beamed, keeping her voice low. “I haven’t seen you in ages. How are you?”

He nodded, meeting her gaze. “I’m good.” His tone gave nothing away, but after a moment he gestured to the spare chair opposite. “Do you want to sit down?”

She slid onto the seat automatically. “I can’t stay for long. I’ve got an appointment.”

He blinked a few times. “You’ve cut your hair.”

Her replying smile was bashful as her fingers moved in response to her fringe which had once more come untucked. “It was too warm in the heat. It’s much easier to maintain now.”

“It suits you.” He said coolly. 

There was a long pause between them, though it wasn’t awkward. She had grown used to these drawn-out silences, from the time he temporarily took lodge in her and Jimin’s apartment and when her boyfriend had left for the military. It would have been a lie to say she had gotten a lot from his company. He always seemed absorbed in his books as well as his thoughts, but there always seemed to be something he was holding back; an aura of mystery she couldn’t quite place and at odds with Jimin’s usual openness. But Taehyung was tidy enough and greeted her when she came home, so she hadn’t minded having him around. 

She found herself wondering what she could say to him. It seemed polite to stop and talk, but this chance meeting now reminded her how little she knew about his life now. Eventually, she spoke. “How’s the baby?”

The corner of his lips twitched in a vague smile. “Toddling.”

Ara was silent for a moment, only just realising it had been longer since she had seen him than she initially thought. “How old is he now?” She asked, voice open and inquisitive. 

He took a sip of tea; it’s aroma fragrant in the small space. She tried to read the label on the tag but couldn’t make it out. “Almost two.”

Her eyebrows raised in disbelief. “I can’t believe it’s been so long. I keep meaning to go and see Cassandra, but I wasn’t sure where she was now. Is she still in Seoul?” 

Taehyung nodded, putting down his cup. It made a soft, strangely comforting sound against the china saucer. “She’s in Gangnam. Do you have her number?”

She thought for a moment, before nodding with a frown. “If she hasn’t changed it. She was kind of hard to get hold of for a while.”

“Gabriel had colic.” He replied with a shrug, as though that explained the years of absence. Ara thought the explanation a little odd, but did not comment. 

“Did you choose the name?” She asked. 

“It just seemed right.” He quickly murmured, not entirely answering the question. Ara thought the reply seemed rehearsed, as though he had answered it many times. She wondered if his family had commented on it and whether he felt the need to defend the decision. Jimin had not spoken much about Taehyung’s family, and she herself had never heard them mentioned in conversation. All of a sudden she found herself hoping they had been supportive; not just for his sake but for Cassandra, whom she had known for so long. 

Ara forced the thought away. “I bet it sounds lovely when she says it. Cassandra always had the most wonderful voice.”

Taehyung looked up from his tea cup. “She still does.”

Her mouth opened, forming an ‘oh’, thinking she might have gotten it all wrong. Or maybe things had changed in the past two years. She approached the topic tentatively. “Are you two…?”

“No.” He confirmed. “But we make it work.” He quickly added.

Ara settled back in her chair; understanding. She gave a soft smile which she hoped didn’t come across as patronising. “I can tell you care about her a lot.”

“She’s the mother of my child, Ara.” He said quietly.

She sensed the sadness in his voice; a longing he couldn’t quite put into words and she nodded. “Of course.” She changed the subject lightly, seeing there was nothing else she could say on the matter of her old friend. “You should get in touch with Jimin. I know he wants to see you.”

He appeared to wince a little but recovered well. She almost hadn’t noticed. “You can tell him he’s welcome any time he wants. He knows where I live.” He murmured. 

Ara fell silent, realising he didn’t yet know. “You really haven’t seen him in a while have you?” She asked, before pressing on. “We broke up.”

He met her eyes across the table and she saw the shock in his expression. “When?”

“A few months ago.”

Taehyung was quiet, pensive, before he asked. “Was it mutual?”

She smiled sadly. “I think he needed it too. We still speak sometimes.”

The man opposite nodded in confirmation. “That’s good.”

Ara watched as he leaned forward to pick up the cup, looking downwards as he took the last few sips. She realised how lonely he looked; how the times she had come home to find him seemingly preoccupied masked the fact he didn’t seem to have anyone. His fans, she remembered, always thought him something of an enigma. She wondered now if that was truly it. 

“Have you thought about dating again?” She suggested, making sure to keep her voice down low, should anyone else hear. 

He didn’t look up from his cup. “Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know…” She trailed off, figuring out how best to word it. “Being in a relationship seemed to suit you.” She shrugged. It seemed silly now she said it out loud. “As far as I could tell anyway.”

“Cass has moved on.” He murmured, frankly.

Ara hesitated. “I meant with someone else.”

Taehyung’s eyes snapped up, meeting hers purposefully and she let out an unexpected giggle. 

“I didn’t mean me.” She confirmed, shaking her head. It felt strange without the usual brush of hair against her shoulders. She settled down, her laughter subsiding, and gave a long, dramatic groan, anticipating how pathetic she must sound. “I’m still trying to find myself.”

He looked back at the table, picking up a napkin and twisting it absently between his long fingers. “I don’t think I could have that again.” 

“You never know.” She easily dismissed.

His brows knitted together, creating deep, frustrated grooves in his forehead as he mumbled, glumly. “Maybe some people are only meant to be with one person.” 

Ara raised a questioning eyebrow. “You never dated anyone before Cassandra?”

Taehyung looked up once more, answering quickly. “That was different.” He sharply declared. “I was young.”

“You’re still young.” She said, deliberately gently, seeing he was hurt.

He grew quiet and shuffled uncomfortably in his chair. Ara feared she might have crossed the line and she tightened her grip on her purse, getting ready to leave before he suddenly spoke. “I wouldn’t even know where to meet someone.”

Her hands stilled and she relaxed. “Well…” She held out the palms of her hands. “What do you like?”

He met her gaze. “In a girl?” 

She shrugged. “Or a guy.”

Half-expecting him to question this, he surprised her by remaining silent, meditative; thinking deeply. She wondered if he knew about her. Perhaps Jimin had told him. 

“Someone sweet.” He eventually said. “Someone kind.”

Her lips curled, simpering. “Is that all?”

“I’m not that picky.” He stated. 

She couldn’t help but scoff. “You dated the most European girl in Seoul.”

“She’s only half European.” He contended, entirely missing the point. 

“You know what I mean...” Ara shook her head with a grin and sitting back, she reflected for a moment. “What about looks?”

“Personality is more important.” 

“You must have a preference?” She challenged, suddenly curious. 

Once again he fell silent and Ara found herself a little impressed at how seriously he was taking this. “Dark eyes...soft and sweet.”

“The kind of girl you’d bring home?” She questioned with a smirk. 

“Someone I could marry.” He stated, a little dreamily.

Ara nodded, amused. He sounded strangely serious. “I know just the girl.” She teased, an idea already forming in her mind. 

He looked at her; eyelashes heavy, giving him a sleepy look “How about you?”

She stretched in her seat, realising she hadn’t thought about it much before and was surprised he asked. Smiling to herself, she blushed. “Smooth skin. Nice lips.” She giggled in embarrassment, adding: “No stubble.”

“So Jimin?” He challenged. 

The corners of her lips turned up and she looked away, unable to help the way her heart still skipped a little at his name. “I don’t know…” She admitted, drifting off and watching from the corner of her eye as he reached into his pocket, searching for his wallet. She took the opportunity to flick through her phone, typing a name and bringing up a familiar social media account. She swiped through the pictures with her manicured thumb before finding one which showed the girl in question at a good angle. It was taken at a company event, and the dress she wore was uncharacteristically short. The other girls on the make up team had talked her into wearing it but Ara saw the way she had tugged on it incessantly all night, trying to cover her pale knees with the frilled hem. 

“What about her?” Ara held out the screen, showing him. 

Taehyung squinted at the picture. “Do you know her?”  

“She’s my stylist.” She confirmed before tucking the phone back in her purse and closing the magnetic clasp. “You’d like her, she’s sweet...and single.” She added.

“What’s her name?” He asked casually. 

“Da-eun.”

She thought he was going to ask more, but instead changed the topic. “Are you going back on tour soon?”

“Once the new album’s out, we still have a lot of work to do. I’m meeting the producers this afternoon.” 

“That sounds good.” He murmured, sounding a little tired. She sensed the conversation was drawing to a close. 

“Are you working on anything?” She asked politely. 

“I was thinking about it.” The other man shrugged indifferently. 

“I’m sure your fans would really enjoy it.”

“I’d be doing it for me.” 

The steely tone of his reply took her aback a little and she found herself recalling the news headlines in the days following the birth. “Even so…” She drifted off weakly and checked her watch before drawing her chair away from the table. “I’d better be going.” She murmured apologetically, getting to her feet. “It was really nice bumping into you.”

His eyes followed her as she gathered her belongings and extended the strap on the purse across her shoulder. “You too. Take care.”

“I will.” She smiled, tucking the chair neatly beneath the table and turning to leave. 

“Ara?” He called softly and she spun back. He was silent for a few seconds but she waited patiently. “Your friend Da-eun…” He seemed a little embarrassed. “You can give her my number.” Another pause. “If you like.”

It took her by surprise but she nodded in agreement. “I will.” She confirmed, giving a gentle wave. “Goodbye Tae.”

***

Thank you for reading. To read each member & their girlfriend’s headcanon universe fics in order, follow the links here: RM   /   Jin /   Suga  /   J-Hope   /   Jimin   /   V   /   Jungkook

& Our full masterlist of fics and original art can be found here

& Our masterlist of preferences/most likely to/quizzes and fun stuff is here

You can support us by buying admins a coffee here (if you wish). :)

[lesbianjoannaharvelle]

3, 4, 7, 8 (i think those are the ones you haven't answered yet?) <3 also happy new year !!!

- rain @queerstudiesnatural

Hi Rain!!!

3. what's a way you challenged yourself this year?

I started making amvs, picked up writing fanfiction again and continued making my silly little edits with paint... I guess I challenged myself by just trying new things and experimenting around!

4. what's something you regret not doing?

hm, I don't think I do? I wanted to write a short AnnaCassie fic for Sapphicnatural week, but I didn't get around to it because I didn't have enough time. But that's still in the works, so I'm gonna do it, just later.

7. what project was the hardest to finish?

Again, my ClaireKaia video, that was a tough one! I think I was heavily overthinking everything in this but in the end I am glad I put so much work into it and changed so much around because I am now happy with the end result.

8. give a rec! what's a piece by someone else you found inspiring?

Omg, there was so many amazing content!!! But I would say Ivi's @knifelesbianjo 'Drive' video still lives in my head rent free, also @roublardise Bela video and this Dean edit by @michaelabanes

ALSO this Jo and Ellen fanart I saw only a few days ago really blew me away <3

[samrosemodblog]

Looking back at my art from the 2010s. I went through and picked 1 piece I drew/wrote from each year that I felt either showed off my best art, my most iconic art, my best improvement, or was simply a personal favorite of mine.

There were a lot of possible choices and it was kind of difficult to narrow it down to 1 per year, since each piece tends to encapsulate so much more than just a single moment per year. Especially with stuff like Motherly Scootaloo or Aria’s Archives encapsulating so much history in a single picture. But under the Read More are my choices at the end of the decade:

     1.) My Old Drawn Blog # 53

Man, the years before MLP existed were really weird for me. I knew I liked drawing and telling stories, but I had no consistent direction on what I wanted to do with my art. I was still jumping between different comics and ideas, and in 2010 I was going through some of the worst depression I’d ever felt in my entire life. I hadn’t even had the experience of being kicked out of the first place I tried to move out of home to yet. It was wild.

As for the ‘joke’ that seems ‘so obvious’ in this post, I had a running gag back then of the face the Flower makes, known as the ‘screaming window’ face. I drew it whenever I needed to draw something screaming in pain or fear for maximum comedic effect. Maybe I’ll bring it back some day lol

     2.) Silent Ponyville

I couldn’t NOT put Silent Ponyville on this list. I was gonna have both 1 and 2 as different spots, but I wrote them both in the same year. That seems insane to me now?? Like WOW, I just WROTE those fics and then they became fandom-wide phenomenons. To the point where even in 2019 I’m still getting people drawing fanart of it, or people telling me “Yeah, I got into Fanfiction because I read Silent Ponyville”.

I don’t know if I’ll ever make a creative piece as universally known in a fandom as Silent Ponyville again, but I sure would love to make an original piece of art that is as beloved as Silent Ponyville one day, if not more so. It’s a testament to the fact that if I put my mind to it, I can create a really amazing horror experience, and I know I do plan to do so again some day.

     3.) Pirate Dash x Dead Rainbow Dash

Who doesn’t love shipping wars that get large numbers of people involved? This is probably the second most involved in the ‘community’ I got, though it was certainly the better experience of the two. And it was all just for silly fun at the end of the day.

And funnily enough I never ACTUALLY shipped these two, I just thought the reactions from the creators seeing them be shipped was hilarious, so it just kind of grew from there. It was all fun and games at the end of the day, and made for a good memory, and a pretty dang ambitiously drawn pic for the time!

     4.) If Twilight Wasn’t a Princess

2013 was surprisingly sparse as far as ambitious projects or art pieces go. I was in full swing with Motherly Scootaloo, and nothing really ‘amazing’ happened in 2013 for the blog. Which was surprising. But Season 4 of MLP DID happen! And it started with the Princesses going missing, and authority over Equestria being transferred to Twilight as the next closest Princess around. And with Cadance ruling the Crystal Empire, I thought, who did that leave to rule if Twilight HADN’T been able to temporarily take the role?

And judging by the length of the comments section on DA, a lot of people found the idea hilarious as well lol. Blue Blood NEVER showed up again for the entire run of the show, and it’s a shame because there was a lot of hilarious joke potential they could’ve done with him. But ya know, the show is what it is is, and this joke still makes me laugh.

     5.) My Time

My first original music video, with a song I had commissioned and everything! While it wasn’t my first video involving music and MLP, it was the first time everything was mine in one way or another. I wish I could write music, but the ambitiously talented AllLevelsAtOnce and Queen Mickey the Sass Master made this project well worth the time and effort put into making it!

And of course, it encapsulates the kind of futures I wish the CMC had acquired, with Sweetie Belle finally achieving her foreshadowed talent of singing. Apple Bloom built the stage, and Scootaloo likely would’ve ended up the choreographer if not for her baby. Sadly we shall only ever have fanon for that.

     6.) Demonloo

Love or hate the wedding arc of Motherly Scootaloo, this will always be one of, if not my top, favorite panel from the entire arc. Scootaloo looks just so appropriately menacing, and the effects placed on her are glorious. And then of course, I love the little twist of “That’s not just an audience visual effect, she actually looked that way in the comic” rofl

Motherly Scootaloo was a trip that got weird with my inclusion of magic and magical beings from the show, so much so to the point that if I were to ever remake the whole thing one day, a LOT of that would be toned down. Probably to the point Chronus wouldn’t exist. But hey, things are the way they are, but I will forever love the art of this arc.

     7.) A Motherly Scootaloo Christmas

If there ever was a picture that basically summarized the entirety of Motherly Scootaloo, it was this picture. Pretty much ever major character of the stories over the years was in the picture (minus Starlight) and showing their relations to everyone pretty much. I remember this picture basically killing me when I was drawing it, but was really proud at the time of how it came out. Of course, I could see how to improve it now, but I’m not gonna lol

It’s still crazy to me how many years Motherly went on for, and how much time and effort was put into it. But I’m still glad I did all of it over those years. It taught me so much about art, and about myself, and in the end, taught me the skills I needed to make art a true career for myself. And I’ll always love it for that. And introducing me to the best friends I’ve ever had, of course.

     8.) Twilight-Midnight is PISSED

Look. I recognize the Aero crossover had some convoluted issues with it, but god DAMN if I didn’t enjoy drawing that fight scene! I GENUINELY loved every panel of it! I can only hope that in the future the fight scenes I draw will be just as fun to draw as these were. And as visually impressive!

That’s ultimately why this won my pic over say, the time-glitch arc with her Mom. The explosions, the action lines, the visual foreshortening, I’ve never seen such visual improvements in a single update from me quite like I have these entire scenes. When I push myself to be amazing, I can pull off some fantastic art, and I need to do it more!

     9.) A StarTrix Christmas

2018 had a LOT of really good choices. Like. Too many choices. So many art pieces I was super proud of, so many pieces that showed growth as an artist, was a personal favorite, that people loved... So in the end, I went with the piece from the end of the year that is still a piece I hold up as truly a cultivation of how much effort I can put in to a picture.

Also it’s Christmas related. I LOVE Christmas. Never enough Christmas.

And as much as I hate FriendLight Glimmer, I still ADORE StarTrix content. It’s the good food for me, one of the rare things that the later era of G4 got right for me. And since I can make them be however I want in fanon, making them a GOOD loving couple was top priority for me, and I just adore them together. I truly do. And this picture is beautiful because of the love I put into it.

     10.) Fate of the Lost Princess

I couldn’t NOT put Fate of the Lost Princess on this list. It’s too important to me, means too much to me, and shows my growth as an artist the most. And of the pages of Fate of the Lost Princess I have done so far, the piece of Tina and Noah on a bus stands out the most for me because, I ACTUALLY managed to make it look and feel like they were on a bus! I was so worried about this page and I spent so long working on making it look right, and in the end, I succeeded in a way I never thought I could!

It feels good to end the decade on my original webcomic, showing just how much I’ve grown as an artist. Going from a successful fanartist, to a successful original artist, that still does fanart on the side, but I’ve grown into my own person now.

I’ve lost track of how many times I tried to start an original comic, only to stop working on it and let it fade into obscurity. Fate of the Lost Princess is the most effort and work I’ve put into an original comic before, and I’m so proud of myself for not only getting as far as I have, but proud of how much effort I plan to put into it in the future, and how much effort I’ll put into the comics beyond Fate of the Lost Princess.

It represents everything that is me from the last 10 years, and I hope it’ll be the fantastic start of the 2010s I want it to be. And I couldn’t have picked something to be more proud of to wrap this decade up with.

[staatsanwaltnightingale]

Are they, are they not?

„GoodOmens“ content was flooding my dash for a while now.

At first I ignored it, but I grew more curious with every post about the show, cute fanart does that to you.

So i made an amazon prime account (thankfully there is a free month option) to check out for myself what that hype was all about:

Aka the two cents noone asked for.

I like bible story adaptations. Though I myself am not a believer, I love the concept of angels, demons, gods, mythical creatures, all that good stuff. Makes sweet fuel for the creativity engine.

I did enjoy the story, the story telling. I liked quite a lot of the characters. The humor. Cringed at some scenes and lines.

All in all the series was a solid 4,5 out of 5.

The big questionis: Are the angel Aziraphale and the demon Crowley a thing?

((Now I only watched the TV Series, never read the book. But as far as I am aware, what I could gather from tumblr posts anyway, there are quite a lot of differences, so they should be treated seperately.

What I could gather, in the book they held hands facing the Apocalypse, and at the end moved into a cottage together.

What I do know, is that in the series one of the angels that cornered Aziraphale to question him, called Crowley something along the lines of „your boyfriend with the sunglasses“.

If they arnt canon, why put a line like this in there. I mean yeah I guess its meant as harmless joke but did they really have to include that?))

- I have seen many opinions on this:

Some claim it is absolutely canon, refering to the creators confirming it in an interview.

- Others say they are just (best) friends.

- My friend told me she read an article where the creators (or one of them anyway) said that they cant be in a love relationship because celestial beings apparently dont have a concept of that kind of love. To which I call bullshit, because not only do they experience love for things like food or a bentley to the point they are „having a moment here“ when it burns down, to crying over the loss of a best friend.

Its not a huge leap from best friends to Significant others, rather its a pretty small step.

And before anyone says something along the lines „Just because they dont have sex on screen...“ yada yada. Of course they dont have to fuck to be a valid couple. I myself wish nothing more than  relationship stories that dont revolve around sex in this over sexualised world. Id love to see more Asexual rep.

I love their relationship: being fond of each others company, wanting to run off together, worrying for eachother, caring for eachother,  having fun together...but how hard would it be to say „I love you“ or hold hands while smiling lovingly at eachother. Because as cute as their interactions are, you COULD interpret it as just really close friends.

Hell, there are still a lot of people denying Korrasami (the lesbian couple from the show „the legend of Korra“), calling them gal pals and seeing their handholding and them longingly gazing at eachother as being really close friends. (disclaimer, Im not saying their relationship has been established in a perfect way with all the love triangle going on etc.)

- I read an article, where N.G said that it IS a love story, which kind of love, though, is up to the viewers interpretation. Which, to me, is one of the rudest things to say, especially as an supposed ally. What does he think have we been doing all these years? Starving for representation, the lgbt-etc community kept grasping at any ever so small hint, clinging to any for two same gendered individuals atypical interaction they could find, just to be shown the middle finger in the end.

Is it queerbaiting?

((If Im not mistaken the book and the series was written by two authors, and I dont know, to me, if its not both parties agreeing on them being gay, and only one pushing this narrative, then I wouldnt count it.

Also im not sure why he is practically begging for fanfictions. If your show is good and you have nice character you dont even have to say a thing and there are thousand fanfictions appearing every second. Mostly fetish/kink based porn fanfictions, but yeah.))

((Disclaimer: Before I get jumped, yes I know angels and demons have no gender, I am aware of that.

But they present themselves mostly as men. Sometimes as women.

So lets just say it would be a win for nonebinaries and homosexuals alike.))

Many shows like using queerbaiting to boost their views. Using interactions between two same gendered people, including romantice cues, to wake the illusion of a possible homosexual relationship, but keep it vague enough not to throw off the straight viewership.

And boy do the fish bite, just to be tossed into the grinder when the show is done and it turns out, hey those two characters were straight all along. Silly fish.

I mean, are straight people not tired of the „will they wont they trope“?

Also it bothers me how we have two celestial beings knowing eachother for thousands of years  with the potential of an enemies, to friends, to best friends, to significant others love story and get nothing (?).

But then we have two characters that literally just met, and they fuck in a storm because of a prophecy.

That scene threw me off. Did I miss something? Did they stop the storm by fucking? Also haha hes a virgin. And after that they are together.

That being said, in no way do I want to force the creators to change their characters into something they didnt envision them to be. But if you didnt plan it then stick to your actual plan and dont give people, who are starved for this kind of content, false hope so you can collect browny points and/or gain more viewers. And Im pretty sure making their interactions as gay as they are is a huge part why this show exploded so hard.

Also we should stop praising „browny point fishing creators“. (of any media)

In this case its absolutely valid to praise the creators of Good Omens for a good show, I liked the series too.  

But dont put them on the throne as saviors of the lgbt community.

((As I already mentioned, I liked the show, it was a cute little story with nice characters.

But I dont really want to invest my time and energy into supporting a noncanon pairing like I used to.

Its tiring and draining and ends in sadness. Id rather move on.))

This is a written mess and all over the place, so please do correct me on anything that I got wrong.

All I want to know is the truth.

[gb-fics]

GB Academy (Act 1)

Golden Bomber Fanfiction.

Note: Please read beforehand!

This story is somewhat different from what I usually write and it's moreover something I swore myself to never do - set at a highschool xD Anyway, some of you might know about the Glamorous Butterfly campaign Golden Bomber is doing with Jex. It's more or less promoting sexual health and using condoms, whatever :D Now, during the last years the members of GB appeared at those events as their female alter-ego highschool students. This year, it was changed and they appear as their male alter ego highschool students.

I will put the link to the official website here, so you can check out their current versions, if you scroll down the page, you will also find some of photos of their female versions. If you don't know what I'm even talking about, just take a look at the website first, please xD

http://gb-lovekatsu.com/

Now, I saw some very cute fanarts and comic strips done by Japanese fans with the pairings used in this fanfic and I felt the need to write about it. I'm not sure if people even want to read about female characters and straight romance, but technically, all the characters are still Golden Bomber, so whatever. Just so you know beforehand and don't feel cheated xD

I think it should be obvious, but I'm putting down a list again, so you have an overview over the who's who :D Kiryuuin Shou - also: Shoko Kyan Yutaka - also: Yutako Utahiroba Jun - also: Junko sensei (school nurse) Darvish Kenji - also: Tarumi (It makes more sense in Japanese, haha)

I divided the story into 4 chapters and will post them all at once, I hope you will manage to navigate through it :D Each character gets 4 point-of-view parts; some of you might notice that I used the structure of Gay Drama as orientation.

If you are still up for reading this stupid stuff, go ahead and enjoy :D Otherwise, stay with me anyway, there will also be regular stories ... soon (^-^)

* * *

Her name was Shoko. She was 17 years old. Today, she was nervous to go to class, because of the text message she had received last night.

“So, what did it say?”, Yutako insisted. She was standing in front of her with her legs apart and arms akimbo.  

Shoko had the feeling that her best friend never just asked for things. She insisted to know them. Everything about her voice and body posture was frightening. Shoko wished she had that kind of confidence.

Avoiding Yutako’s gaze, she looked down on her feet, dangling them in the air while sitting on the daybed. Actually, they weren’t supposed to stay at the infirmary, but the nurse had taken a likening to them and allowed them to keep her company before class or during lunch breaks.

“Nothing, really. He just wanted to know what we had to do for math class today.”

“Mmh.” Yutako gave a thoughtful hum. It was pretty obvious she wasn’t content with the answer, but then Yutako never seemed content with anything. Least of all, if it had been said or done by a man.

“Couldn’t he have asked one of his friends from the baseball team or something? Why message you?”

Shoko shrugged and felt her cheeks heating up. She knew what Yutako was implying, although she had tried hard not to think about it all night.

“He just seems to like our cute Shoko”, Tarumi chimed in and jumped onto the daybed next to Shoko. The bed gave a protesting squeak. Tarumi was always like that. Making fun of everything and joking about things that Shoko did not even dare to say out loud. Sometimes she got annoyed with her friend for that. Sometimes, Shoko wished she could be a little sillier herself. Life seemed easier that way.

“I don’t trust that guy!”, Yutako said.

Next to her, Tarumi suppressed a yawn. Shoko was tired, too. She had hardly slept at night. The handsomest guy in class had messaged her. Her, of all people.

“Don’t listen to her”, Tarumi said. “Yutako trusts no one. I think he seems to be a nice guy.”

“Don’t listen to her”, Yutako corrected. “Tarumi likes everyone. That guy is a troublemaker.”

“Aren’t you friends with him?”, Shoko asked, now looking up to scan for her friend’s expression.

Yutako let her arms drop to her side. She seemed softer as she turned her face away now.

“We’re not friends”, she said in a normal tone of voice. Compared to her usual way of speaking, she was almost whispering. “We just talk sometimes. I’m just annoyed with the way you act around him. You just blush and stammer >Kyan< and then you don’t get out another word. It’s embarrassing to watch.”

She was speaking harsher again.

Shoko felt herself blush once again. She hated how fast her cheeks coloured and how hot and uncomfortable she felt. It was true that she was making a fool of herself whenever Yutaka was around. But he was handsome and kind and charming and funny and she wasn’t used to get attention from a guy like him. Sure, for Yutako it was all different. She was self-confident and just approached the guys she liked. She had had many boyfriends already, although most of them had probably been scared into dating her. For Shoko, it was new and unfamiliar and she didn’t know what to do about it.

“I can’t help it”, Shoko defended herself weakly.

The clicking of heels announced Junko sensei coming over. She pulled the white curtain aside to give them a stern look.

“Strong, independent women like you shouldn’t chat about boys all the time. Your life doesn’t resolve around male attention”, she scolded them. She usually did it in a joking tone, but like she really meant it anyway.

Her hair was always on point, her skirt always a little too short and her heels always a little too high. She believed in hard work, good education and female independency – in mind and body. Shoko admired her immensely.

“She is right”, Shoko agreed, mostly to drive Yutako’s attention to something else. “Are you prepared for exams already?”

Tarumi gave a loud groan.

“I’m going to fail English class for sure. All those vocabularies and all the reading. Who has time to read that much?” She threw up her hands in despair.

Shoko chuckled. She had read the books on the table, but she didn’t feel confident enough to offer her help. With most text, she had not even understood half of it.

“You could ask Jun for help”, she suggested. “He’s the class representative and seems very reliable. Also, he’s pretty smart and reads a lot, right?”

“Ah, he’s cute, isn’t he?”, Tarumi sighed and picked up one of her long pigtails to play with it.

“See!”, Yutako shouted and pointed at Tarumi as if she was accusing her of a crime. “She likes everyone! You can’t trust her judgement at all!”

Shoko laughed. She couldn’t deny that Yutako was right. Tarumi changed her crushes quickly.

“Wouldn’t that be fun?”, Tarumi asked and put her arm around Shoko’s shoulder. “We could go on a double date, you, me, Jun and Yutaka. We’d go to karaoke and have dinner afterwards.”

“Oi, what about me?!”, Yutako shouted, shoving against Tarumi’s shoulder.

“Ah, I thought there is no one you like”, Shoko teased her friend. “Or is there?”

Yutako crossed the arms in front of her chest.

“The boys in our class are all stupid. They only care about baseball and touching your boobs. I don’t want to go out with any of them.”

“What about Kenji?”, Tarumi suggested. “The three of them are always together. It would be perfect, three of them, three of us. And Kenji is really handsome. Also, he seems very nice.”

“Tarumi!”, Yutako and Shoko exclaimed simultaneously.

Shoko burst out laughing while Yutako shook her head in annoyance.

Tarumi pulled her arm back from Shoko’s shoulder and shrugged.

“We’ll just hook them up once while we are dating Yutaka and Jun. I should really ask him to help me with English lessons.”

“You won’t be learning anything, if you are just swooning over him”, Shoko teased.

“Right?”, Tarumi agreed. “Maybe I should ask the little nerd instead. He looks smart.”

“It’s probably just the glasses”, Yutako said.

Shoko wanted to protest, but had to laugh instead.

“True, he can’t be that smart. I’m sure he doesn’t even know the differences between men and women”, Tarumi joked.

“You are being mean”, Shoko interrupted them half-heartedly. She didn’t like that mean streak in her friends. Their comments always made her laugh anyway, though. “I’m sure he knows the difference.”

“Yeah, he looks like he watches lot of porn”, Yutako said and gained another round of laughter with it.

“There is nothing wrong with young people watching porn to educate themselves”, Junko sensei interrupted them. Over the laughter, they hadn’t heard her heels this time.

“Sensei, I don’t think he is watching it for the educational effect”, Tarumi said and Shoko punched lightly against her arm to make her shut up. Her silliness sometimes resulted in not knowing when to better stay silent.

“You should be on your way to class anyway”, Junko sensei said.

Shoko checked her watch. She was right. Class was about to start in four minutes. But once she entered the classroom, she would have to see Yutaka. She didn’t know how to act around him. Was it any different, after they had chatted last night? Of course, it had only been a few messages about class, but still. Would he say something to her? Would she manage to reply?

Shoko winced.

“Come on”, Yutako said sternly and took hold of her hand to pull Shoko from the daybed. “No excuses. Just try not to faint when he looks at you, okay?”

Shoko allowed her friend to pull her towards the door. Her hand felt warm and soothing. Yutako wasn’t frightened of anything. By her side, Shoko usually felt a little bit braver. But when she thought of Yutaka’s face, her heart still picked up pace.

 * * *

His name was Kyan Yutaka. He was 16 years old. Today, he didn’t feel like himself, because he couldn’t stop thinking of a girl at all.

Usually, the girls came and went for him. It was easy to charm and even easier to disappoint them. But this time, he felt like maybe he didn’t want to be a disappointment for once.

“You coming for baseball training today?”, Kenji asked.

“Sure”, Yutaka mumbled, his eyes still fixed on the door to the classroom.

She was late today. Four minutes, until class was supposed to start.

“I might be a little late today”, Kenji announced. “I had a pain in my ankle lately and wanted to drop by at the infirmary to have it checked.”

Now Yutaka did turn his gaze to look at Kenji shortly. Underneath the white paint he wore his usual, innocent smile.

“You should be careful not to hurt yourself too often”, he warned.

His best friend’s behaviour had started to worry him lately. Still, he couldn’t blame him for constantly making up excuses to go to the infirmary. The nurse was hot, especially in her short, black skirts. But sooner or later someone would notice and it would lead Kenji into trouble. Unfortunately, Yutaka was too busy with his own worries to really bother at the moment.

The door to the classroom swung open and there she was. Right behind her best friend, clinging to her hand tightly. She had the habit of hiding behind Yutako as if she was scared of the world. Or maybe it was Yutako, drowning out everything else. She was loud and pretty and very straight-forward. For a long time, Yutaka had only seen her, when he looked at the group.

But then he had noticed Shoko and he wondered how he could have overlooked her for so long. She was sweet and shy and a little clumsy. Her short black hair was cute and the way she blushed, the way she laughed when Tarumi was fooling around again noisily and the way she looked to the ground when she was feeling awkward. Yutaka wanted her to look at him and he wanted to hear what she had to say when no one else was around to interrupt her and he wanted to put his arm around her, so she would feel safe and look less scared.

Shoko looked up and noticed him staring. Instead of feeling caught, Yutaka took his change and gave her a wide grin.

Hesitantly, she smiled back, before she blushed again and walked over to her table.

“You are still chasing after Shoko?”, teased Jun, who had obviously caught Yutaka staring as well. “How come you haven’t asked her out yet? You usually don’t waste that much time.”

Yutaka shrugged, trying to look indifferent.

“You know it’s impossible to get her away from Yutako. That woman is scaring me to death. She’ll never let Shoko go out with me alone.”

Kenji snorted.

“Yeah, your only chance is a double date.”

“Why don’t you ask her out then? We could go together”, Yutaka suggested, trying not to sound too eager.

He wasn’t desperately in love with Shoko. He was Kyan Yutaka. Women were desperately in love with him. He was just curious, because Shoko was different from the girls he had dated so far. She didn’t open up to people easily. Getting her to like him was a real challenge.

“No way.” Kenji shook his head. “I’m scared of Yutako. Also, she would never agree to go out with me.”

“Yes, it’s a kind of Taming of The Screw situation”, Jun agreed.

“A what?”, Kenji asked, furrowing his brow. Yutaka didn’t have a clue either.

“Taming of The … We had to … for English class … never mind.” Jun sighed and shook his head.

“Then you ask her”, Yutaka suggested.

“She’d eat me alive before I could even ask”, Jun protested.

Yutaka looked over to the group again. This time, it was him who caught Shoko staring. A warm feeling drippled through his chest. She had been watching him. Obviously, his message last night had been a good idea.

He winked at her.

This time, Shoko gave an embarrassed grin, showing her uneven teeth. Even those were cute, Yutaka thought. She turned her head away again.

“Isn’t there any guy whom Yutako doesn’t hate?”, Yutaka asked, scanning the classroom again.

His eyes fell onto his direct neighbour. As always, he was sitting hunched over, a book in hands. Yutaka wasn’t sure if he was actually reading in those, or if he just carried them around to hide behind them, so he didn’t have to interact with the world.

“Hey, Shou”, he said and clapped him on the shoulder.

In spite of the warning, Shou flinched when Yutaka touched him. He turned around and straightened his glasses in a nervous gesture.

“What?”, he asked.

Yutaka didn’t understand why he sounded so suspicious. They weren’t close friends, but he sometimes hung out with them anyway. Although he usually seemed to prefer the company of books and video games to actual human begins, group projects didn’t do themselves and two or three times he had actually joined Yutaka, Kenji and Jun at karaoke. He was a surprisingly good singer.

“You and Yutako get along well, don’t you? I really want to go out with Shoko, but Yutako will never leave her alone with me, so I’m looking for someone to join us on a double date. She has a weakness for you, doesn’t she?”

Shou looked at him irritated.

“She doesn’t”, he said.

“Ah, but wasn’t there this thing in middle school?” Yutaka looked back to Kenji and Jun for support, who both nodded eagerly. “Yutako beat up those older kids who were bullying you, didn’t she?”

Shou shrugged. His whole body moved awkwardly with the simple motion. It seemed as if he didn’t have a single grain of grace inside of him. Yutaka pitied him somehow, but he could also understand why he had been bullied. Something in him seemed to call out for it, although it had grown better during the last years.

“She didn’t beat them up. She just punched that one guy. But not because she likes me. It was simply kindness.”

Yutaka gave a low hum and studied Shou again closely. The thought that pretty, lively Yutako would favour him, seemed not very likely indeed.

“Still, if you asked her out, she would probably say yes. Just out of pity.”

Shou furrowed his brow.

Yutaka wondered if he had said anything wrong. He hadn’t meant it in a hurtful way. He had just stated the obvious. Yutako was proud enough to turn down the captain of the baseball team and the class representative without batting an eye. But she wouldn’t be cruel enough to crush poor Shou’s already lacking self-confidence.

“I don’t want her to go out with me, because she pities me”, Shou said. “Anyway, what is this about, that you need someone for a double date? You should just ask Shoko to go out with you, instead of scheming something. She is an independent human being who can make her own decisions. To go out with her, you need no one’s approval but hers.”

For a moment, no one said a word. Then Yutaka, Kenji and Jun burst out laughing at once.

“Man”, Yutaka said, clapping Shou’s shoulder once more. “You really have no clue about women.”

 * * *

Her name was Yutako. She was 16 years old. Today, she needed a smoke badly. She had been trying to quit lately, but she felt stressed and like she needed the relieve of nicotine urgently.

The door to the roof of the school stood ajar, although students weren’t supposed to come up here.

Shoko and Tarumi would be waiting for her at the infirmary, but she would be with them after just one cigarette.

She pulled the package out from the pocket of the grey sweater she wore over her school uniform. It was crumpled and only contained three last cigarettes.

“Fuck”, she swore, realizing she had forgotten her lighter.

“Need fire?”, a voice interrupted her.

Yutako turned around, not surprised to find her classmate leaning against the railing of the roof. Since the door had been open, she had assumed he would be up here. For a long time, it had been their secret meeting spot.

“Yeah”, she confirmed, trotting over.

She had to admit that she could understand Shoko’s crush on him all too well. Yutaka was handsome with his dark hair usually worn in a bun, so his pierced ears were exposed. He had a charming smile and radiated just the right mixture of danger and good humour. She hadn’t been indifferent to it herself, for a while.

“Haven’t seen you around here lately, sweetie”, Yutaka observed, holding up a green lighter with the picture of a cartoon character on it.

“Oi, gimme that, jerk”, Yutako said, extending her hand for the lighter.

Yutaka shook his head with a grin and waved her closer. She sighed, pretending to be annoyed, though she had to admit she missed flirting with him sometimes. Putting the cigarette between her lips, she leaned forward, allowing Yutaka to light it for her. He was standing very close and she was glad when she could finally step away again.

“So, what’s up? Have you been avoiding me?”, Yutaka joked.

“Nah”, Yutako said and inhaled gravely. “Shoko is being a pain in the ass, because she wants me to quit, so I thought I’d give it a try.” She blew out the smoke through her mouth.

“Well, if it was Shoko who asked me, I’d consider quitting, too”, Yutaka said. His front teeth were slightly crooked, but somehow that made his open smile even more charming.

“You should leave her alone”, Yutako scolded. Suddenly, Yutaka’s smile didn’t seem charming any longer. She was just annoyed with it.

“Be careful, cutie. People might think you are jealous”, Yutaka said.

Yutako snorted, looking out onto the schoolyard beneath them. It was a sunny day, but still kind of chilly. She liked the feeling of the sun on her face, though.

“She is just very shy and inexperienced. Someone needs to watch out for her”, she said.

She thought of Shoko. Of sweet, innocent Shoko, who had blushed this morning at the sheer mention of the word porn. A wave of affection rushed through her. She would not allow the world to break Shoko. She would not allow a lightheaded guy like Yutaka to hurt her. She would keep her save from reality. Yutako would stand between Shoko and the world forever.

“I still think I will ask her out on a date today”, Yutaka said, stubbing out his cigarette on top of the metal railing. The ashes remained, leaving a dirty stain.

Yutako felt angry. She didn’t understand why he had to provoke her like that. And she didn’t understand why the thought of Shoko going out with him upset her so much. It was impossible she was feeling jealous. She didn’t care for Yutaka at all, like she didn’t care for any guy lately. He was nice and funny, but in a way that was boring and predictable. It felt as if anything he had to say to her, she had heard a million times before already. Since a while, all the conversations with guys felt like that. They had nothing new to tell her, nothing was ever surprising or interesting about them.

“I’m not allowing that”, she said.

Yutaka threw back his head and laughed. His laughter sounded rehearsed.

“What are you laughing at?”, she inquired loudly.

Yutaka shook his head.

“You make it sound as if I was pure evil trying to spoil your dear friend.”

Yutako shrugged, slightly uncomfortable all of a sudden. She had nothing to justify her objections.

“Shoko is a good girl. She shouldn’t hang out with troublemakers like you.”

“A troublemaker?”, Yutaka repeated teasingly. “Some people say that about you, too, you know? Sneaking up to the roof to smoke, skipping classes.”

Yutako flicked her tongue. They had skipped classes together a couple of times. Everyone had gossiped how it was only a matter of time until they would hook up. For a while, Yutako had believed it was only a matter of time, too.

Maybe it was that. Even if she didn’t like Yutaka, they had a lot in common. Their temper was the same. It would make sense if he liked Yutako. But Shoko? What did he see in a shy girl like her? Was it that what guys wanted, in the end? Something Yutako could never live up to? A quiet, blushing girl who looked up to them like Shoko looked up to Yutaka?

She was jealous, Yutako realized, but it had nothing to do with Yutaka. It was a more general jealousy and the fear of being left behind. She liked the way it was. Her not being interested in anyone and Shoko by her side, looking up to her, holding her hand, not replacing her with some dude with a handsome smile. She didn’t want Shoko to become popular, because she didn’t know where that would leave her. She wouldn’t know which direction to head into, if Shoko wasn’t there to follow.

“Just leave her alone”, she repeated and stubbed out her cigarette on the railing just like Yutaka had done before.

“I will just ask her anyway”, Yutaka insisted. “Shoko is an independent human being who can make her own decisions. To go out with her, I need no one’s approval but hers.”

Surprised Yutako looked up. It wasn’t what she had expected him to say. It sounded more mature than something a guy from her class would say. It sounded like something Junko sensei would tell them, in one of her raging fits.

“Who said that?”, she asked.

“I say that”, Yutaka replied.

Yutako scanned him throughout. For the first time in a long while, she felt something like a spark of interest. Maybe she hadn’t given him enough credit. Maybe he wasn’t just a stupid, boring guy like all the others.

“I …”, she started, but was interrupted, when the door to the roof banged against the wall loudly.

“Yutako, I have been looking for you everywhere!”, Shoko shouted. “You promised to quit smoking. If Junko sensei finds out, she is going to be so mad.”

“Nah.” Yutako gave a dismissive wave with her entire arm. “I’ll just tell her it is my decision what to do with my body and then she’ll start lecturing us about a woman’s right in modern society until she has completely forgotten what we were talking about to begin with.”

Only now did Shoko’s eyes fall onto Yutaka standing next to her. It happened what was supposed to happen. Her eyes widened and her cheeks changed colour.

“Oh, hi, Ky … Kyan “, she stammered and turned her eyes to the ground.

Yutako groaned.

“Shoko”, Yutaka said, brushing back a lock of dark hair from his face. The gesture looked rehearsed, too. “Thanks again for helping me out yesterday. I would have been lost without you.”

“Sure.” Shoko nodded violently, addressing her answer to the ground instead of speaking to Yutaka’s face.

Yutako felt uncomfortable just watching her. She wanted to grab her shoulders and shake her. She wanted to tell her not to make it so easy for Yutaka. She wanted her best friend back, who seemed to vanish in Yutaka’s presence entirely and left behind only a hesitant smile and silence.

“I’m sure you would have survived. You never do math homework anyway”, Yutako said harshly.

It had been meant to discredit Yutaka, but he just laughed it off.

“That’s true, unfortunately”, he admitted. “But I’m trying to better myself, now that exams are drawing near.”

His eyes were fixed on Shoko.

Yutako wanted to jump in front of her and expend her arms to shield her. She wasn’t sure, though, if it was to protect Shoko from his gaze, or so that all eyes would be on herself.

“We should look for Tarumi, come on”, she said instead and took hold of Shoko’s arm.

She didn’t protest as Yutako led her over to the door.

“See you at class”, Yutaka shouted after them as if he needed to remind them that there was absolutely no way of avoiding him.

Yutako felt angry at his impudence and she felt angry at Shoko’s sheepishness. She was angry at herself, too, for letting it get to her so much. Nowadays, no one seemed to make any sense anymore.

 * * *

His name was Darvish Kenji. He was 19 years old. Today, it was his ankle that troubled him.

“Sensei”, he called out from the door. “Do you have a moment?”

Junko swung around in her swivel chair. She sat with her long legs in the nylon tights crossed, giving him an intriguing look over her glasses. Kenji loved that look of hers. It was supposed to seem stern, but she could never hide the spark of humour behind her eyes, that told all too clearly, she was just making fun of him.

“So, Kenji, what is it today? Caught a cold? Broke a bone? A strange birthmark you need me to check?”

Kenji cursed himself inwardly for not having come up with the birthmark-trope himself. It would have given him the opportunity to show off the best parts of his body. Surely, Junko couldn’t remain indifferent to those.

“It’s my ankle”, he said and made a big show of limping over to the daybed. “It hurts when I tread.”

“Is that so”, Junko mused and pointed the black pen she was holding over to the bed. “Sit down and I’ll have a look at it.”

Kenji sat down, dangling his legs from the daybed and stripping off his shoes.

Junko got up from her desk and walked over to him.

Kenji couldn’t keep his eyes of her legs, when she moved. Everything about her motions was smooth. He loved the clicking of her heels, which made her legs look even better and the long strand of fair hair falling over her shoulder onto her white coat. He adored her full lips that always seemed to hold back a smirk and the smell of her sweet perfume.

Junko was different from the girls in his class. She was a woman.

Kenji couldn’t understand Yutaka’s excitement over shy Shoko, who seemed so uncomfortable with her own body. Even Yutako’s stubbornness reminded him only of a child stamping their foot.

What he was looking for was a mature woman, with a strong mind and the ability to use her body just the way she wanted to use it.

Every movement of Junko and every click of her heels hit the target like a deathly blow.

She pulled up another chair and sat down in front of Kenji. Almost playfully, she padded her knee. Kenji followed her silent request and put his foot onto it. He had decided, that it would be his right ankle hurting.

“What kind of pain is it?”, Junko asked, rolling up Kenji’s pants with practiced motions. His whole body turned hot when her fingers brushed against his bare calf. It was exciting to be this close to her.

“The horrible kind”, Kenji said. “Almost unbearable.”

Junko’s fingers felt his ankle now. Her grip was firm and sure. Kenji tried not to think of all the other things these hands could do to him.

“Is it sharp? Dull? More of a stinging? Or a nagging?” She was looking down on Kenji’s foot, not into his face.

“Sharp”, Kenji lied. “Piercing.”

“I see”, Junko said and looked up to him. Her gaze behind the glasses was less amused than usual. “Kenji? You are going to die.”

Kenji pulled back his foot from her grip and pressed his hand to his heart.

“Really, sensei?”, he asked. “Is it that severe?”

Junko pushed back her chair and nodded gravely.

“I’m sorry you to tell you this. It’s a very serious case of simulating. The chances for survival are zero.”

Kenji let his shoulders drop and watched Junko walk over to her desk again. From behind, he loved to see her walk even more. She bent over to note down something in his record. She kept it on her desk at all times. Kenji loved to see her bending over, too.

“I have to file in that you were here to have your ankle checked”, she said without turning around. Her voice was always even, a little sing-songing. “You’ve been here eleven times already this month. You should take care or there will be someone asking questions soon.”

“I just want to see you”, Kenji said. He cleared his throat, because he sounded hoarse all of a sudden. Junko knew how he felt about her. He had expressed it clearly time and time again.

Now she did turn around to him. She was smiling, but it was a distant smile.

“As much as I appreciate your company, Kenji, we should both know our place.”

“Sensei”, Kenji said, getting up and hastily slipping into his shoes again. “Junko”, he added.

“Ah”, Junko sighed and brushed back the single lock of hair over her shoulder.

Kenji stepped towards her, putting his hand onto her shoulder. Junko did not back off, but met his gaze evenly.

“I adore you, Junko”, he said. “I want you. I know you feel attracted to me, too. I can tell.”

Junko lowered her eyes now, but not to avoid his. She let them trail over his body throughout, before returning to his face again.

“You might be handsome”, she said. “But not irresistible. You are still a boy, Kenji.”

He pulled back his hand, suddenly feeling frustrated. It was true, that he loved that maturity about her, but it also meant he would never win an argument with her. It was impossible to surprise or trick her into a concession. She knew her stand all too well.

“Is that what you tell those girls constantly hanging out around you? I thought you teach them to be self-confident about the things they want. I want you.”

Junko turned her back towards him, sorting through the records on her desk. The gesture was entirely dismissive. She didn’t care about his arguments enough to even look at him. Kenji’s chest felt tight and painful.

“Of course, I support a mature approach to love and sexuality. But this is different.”

“How?”, Kenji asked. His voice sounded high and begging. He sounded like the boy Junko still saw in him. It made it all the more frustrating to know that she was partly right.

“If one of the girls told me they wanted to enter a healthy, sexual relationship with a boy their age, I would fully support them and tell them to stay safe. If they considered entering the same relationship with a 34-year-old man, I would find the guy and chop off his balls personally. That’s how it’s different.”

Kenji exhaled gravely.

“I know what I want”, he repeated.

Junko turned around again and waved at the door. Even the movement of her hands seemed elegant somehow.

“Right now, you should want to be at baseball training”, she said.

Kenji knew he had lost the argument. Once again.

 * * *

His name was Utahiroba Jun. He was 16 years old. Today, he wanted to prove that he was a good class representative.

“Tarumi!”, he called out, hurrying through the corridor. He would be late for baseball training, but he was usually just spending it on the substitute’s bench anyway. Kenji and Yutaka were the stars of the team. Jun was just there.

The girl with the long, black pigtails turned around.

“Eh, Jun!”, she exclaimed, beaming at him. She had a cute smile, Jun thought. “What is it?”

“I heard that you have problems with the upcoming English exam”, he said, slightly out of breath from running after her.

Tarumi pulled at the retaining strap of her backpack. She made a face as if she wanted to break down in tears.

“Yes!”, she whined, still keeping on her silly expression. “I don’t understand a thing!”

“I could help you with learning, if you want to”, Jun offered. “I’m used to it. Kenji failed class two times already and he is still not doing his homework, so I’m used to helping out in the last minute.”

“That is so kind of you, Jun!” Tarumi was beaming again. She clapped her hands. Happiness seemed to radiate out from her. Jun wondered where that change had come from so suddenly.

“It’s not a problem, really”, he said. “I’m the class representative after all. It’s my duty to help everyone as best as I can.”

“You are so responsible, it’s amazing”, Tarumi mused cheerfully. “I wish I was more like that. I wouldn’t have troubles studying last minute so much then.”

Jun smiled at her. He didn’t really know how to act around her. Tarumi was cute and so full of energy. He wasn’t good with women like Yutaka was good with women. He never found the right words.

“So, just write to me, when you are free. We can meet on the weekend to study together”, he offered.

“Yes”, Tarumi said and flexed her knees a little, so that Jun was afraid she would just jump of the floor any moment.

“But”, she added as if on second thought. “Who told you I needed help anyway?”

“It was Shoko”, Jun said. “She suggested I’d offer my help.”

Suggesting was a nice word of putting it. If Jun was being honest, he didn’t just offer his help, because it was his duty as a class representative. In fact, it wasn’t his duty at all.

He himself would probably have been too hesitant to approach Tarumi like this, but Shoko had not given him much of a choice. She had just told him in this calm voice of hers and then smiled at him.

Jun seriously wondered why his friends called Yutako scary and Shoko sweet. Shoko had a calm aura around her, that didn’t come from being shy, but from absolute determination. She knew what she wanted and she would not change her mind about it. Sure, if you crossed Yutako, she would scream at you no matter who was watching. But an hour later she would joke around with you again as if nothing had happened. If you crossed Shoko, she would smile at you innocently and tell you it was fine. But at night, she would creep in through your window and cut your throat. Jun was sure of that.

Neither of them was anything like Tarumi, who switched from utter despair to bright happiness like a hyperactive bouncy ball. Everything she felt, she carried directly to the outside without any filtering. There was nothing dishonest or insincere about her. Jun thought, it was a great quality in a person.

“That was very nice of her. She’s such a good friend”, Tarumi said.

“Apparently”, Jun replied warily. He didn’t know how to continue the conversation.

“You have baseball training now, don’t you?”, Tarumi went on.

She still sounded happy and cheerful. Obviously, she hadn’t noticed the short pause in their conversation. Other than Jun, she didn’t seem anxious at all. Jun was good at feeling anxious. Tarumi had called him responsible, but truth was rather, that Jun was pretty tense. He didn’t know how to play baseball or how to chat with pretty girls. But he knew how to organize schedules and read books. He usually stuck to the things he was good at.

“Yes, I’m running late already.”

“I can walk you to the court”, Tarumi offered.

“Thank you”, Jun mumbled, because once again he didn’t know what else to say. He directed his steps towards the staircase, Tarumi walking next to him. Her steps were bouncing indeed.

“So, you really like books and things, don’t you?”, she asked.

Jun wasn’t sure what other things she might be referring to, but then probably Tarumi didn’t know either.

“Yeah”, he just said and after a short pause added. “And you don’t?” It was a stupid question and a stupid way to keep the conversation going – Jun was painfully aware of that. Luckily, Tarumi seemed indifferent to it.

“No, I absolutely don’t. But I do like baseball”, she said.

Jun pushed open the doors that led them out onto the schoolyard with a sigh.

“Then there are already two things we don’t have in common.”

Tarumi laughed out loud.

“But you are on the baseball team!”, she protested.

“Only because Kenji and Yutaka made me join them. Kenji is the captain, so he let me in on the team without any qualification.”

“I’m sure that is not true”, Tarumi said, playing with one of her pigtails as they walked over to the court. “You are qualified for sure.”

“Yes”, Jun said dryly. “No one sits at the side-lines like I do.”

Tarumi laughed again. Jun was surprised at how easy it was to make her laugh. He had never managed to make girls laugh – at least not on purpose.

“I still think you look pretty cool, sitting at the side-lines”, Tarumi said lightly.

Jun’s throat felt dry. He didn’t know what to say. Tarumi thought he was cool? Really? It seemed like a mistake to him.

“Anyway, I have to go now. Yutako and Shoko are waiting for me, we wanted to do our homework together today. But I guess Shoko just wants to make sure we really do it. I’m looking forward to the weekend!”

With that Tarumi turned around and just dashed off. She seemed like a very happy tornado to him. Jun was looking forward to the weekend, too.

 * * *

“Mmh, I don’t know”, Shoko said. She was lying on Yutako’s bed, hanging her head down the side, so she felt the blood rushing into it. “Gackt, maybe?”

“Ew”, Yutako protested, throwing a pillow at her from the other end of the bed. “You are gross.”

Shoko shrugged. It felt weird, upside down like that.

“I really like him”, she defended herself. “I’ll become friends with him, once I’m a celebrity myself.”

“And what do you want to become famous as?”, Yutako asked. Shoko couldn’t see her face, but she used her joking tone of voice. “Idol in a girl group? Top model? Porn actress?”

Shoko shot up into a sitting position. There was still too much blood in her head and she felt dizzy.

“Comedian!”, she exclaimed and made a face at Yutako that made her friend burst out laughing indeed. “See, I’m funny.”

“You are stupid”, Yutako correct her. “I myself will become a famous baseball star. Or join a rock band. Or become an astronaut. I haven’t decided yet.”

Shoko laughed.

“Very feminine jobs, as expected of you”, she pointed out.

Yutako waved it off.

“Gender norms won’t be a problem for us. Until then, Junko sensei will have torn down the patriarchy with her own two hands.”

Shoko chuckled and laid down on her back in a more relaxed position.

“I really admire her a lot”, she said. “Being a nurse like her would be amazing, too.”

“Yeah, she really changed my opinion on a lot of things”, Yutako admitted. She sounded more serious than she usually did. “I’m not saying that I thought guys were awesome before, but … Suddenly it feels like it’s not enough.”

Her tone of voice told Shoko that her friend was telling her something important, something that had been on her mind for a long time already. But Shoko didn’t really understand it nonetheless. When she thought of Yutaka, his smile was more than enough to her.

“You don’t have to be content”, she said vaguely. “That is what Junko sensei is telling us. Don’t just settle for something, but figure out what you really want.”

“I’m still figuring”, Yutako sighed.

“Junko sensei also said it’s okay to try out new things, if the old ones don’t make you happy”, Shoko said.

“Oi!”, Yutako shouted. “Are you flirting with me, Shoko?”

Shoko raised her head to wink at her best friend meaningful, before dropping back into the sheets.

“You little slut”, Yutako said and laughed. With her the jokes were always easy. Shoko wished she could be like that when talking to Yutaka. That she wouldn’t blush and stutter. That her chest wouldn’t feel so tight and her knees not so weak. That she could be herself around him, too.

Yutako shuffled over to lay down next to Shoko. Her body so close was warm and familiar. Shoko could smell the sweet chemistry of her hair-products.

“Are you judging me for liking Yutaka?”, Shoko asked. “Do you think I should be more independent and not fall for him, because he is just another one of those immature idiots?”

Yutako sighed. She was smelling a little of smoke, too. A sharp pain went to Shoko’s chest. She had been up on the roof with Yutaka today. She didn’t want to feel jealous, but she did. She felt jealous it was so easy for Yutako to talk to him. She had heard the rumours about them, too, although her friend had always denied the gossip.

“I’m not judging you”, Yutako said surprisingly gentle. She reached out and pushed back Shoko’s hair, playing with one of the short strands. Although she couldn’t really feel the touch, Shoko liked the intimacy of it. “I’m just scared you’ll leave me behind. You’ll be lovey-dovey with him and I’ll be all alone.”

“You’ll still have Tarumi”, Shoko offered and Yutako let go of her hair. She groaned.

“I will go crazy. Let’s be real, Tarumi is not the brightest one. And when she just keeps on chatting about her crushes that change every other week, I’ll choke her to death. And you won’t even be there to visit me in prison.”

Shoko chuckled and picked up one of Yutako’s hair-strands herself now, swirling it around between her fingers.

“I will visit you”, she promised. “I mean, at least on the days when Yutaka is busy.”

“What is that supposed to mean?!”, Yutako exclaimed and pinched Shoko’s upper arm.

In reflex Shoko reached up to cover the place with her hand.

“Ouch!”, she said. Yutako looked at least slightly sorry.

Shoko lowered her hand again, placing it over Yutako’s breastbone instead.

“I promise, you will always be my second choice”, she whispered.

Yutako burst out laughing and rolled over to get on top of Shoko.

“Hey, stop that”, Shoko protested with a squeal, buried beneath her friend. She floundered with her legs to free herself, but Yutako had her arms around her, pressing Shoko to the bed with her full weight. Against her will, Shoko sensed her cheeks heating up again.

“Oh, you are so cute”, Yutako called out, noticing the blush. “I can see now what Yutaka likes in you.”

She pressed down her lips on Shoko’s for a short kiss.

“Don’t just do that”, Shoko complained as she pulled back. Licking her lips, she could taste Yutako’s lip gloss on them.

“Ah, I’m sure Yutaka would do even more to you. He’s a devil”, Yutako joked and placed more kisses on Shoko’s cheek.

Shoko hated it when her friend attacked her like that, but at the same time it was those random outbursts that she loved Yutako for. She felt embarrassed, but in a happy way. She still felt awkward, not being able to express her feelings as openly as Yutako did, not feeling as self-confident as her. But with Yutako, it also felt like it was alright to be that way, like it was safe with her. Sometimes Shoko wondered if that wasn’t what it was supposed to feel like and that thought was pretty confusing and made her blush even harder in her friend’s embrace.

Finally, Yutako stopped her attack, burying her face against Shoko’s neck instead. Shoko reached up and wrapped her arms around Yutako’s waist. Even through the thick sweater she could feel the outlines of her thin body clearly that way. She felt warm and soft and smelled very sweet.

Hugging her like that, Shoko felt protected and fearless. With Yutako’s arms around her, the world wasn’t frightening at all.

“I will never leave you behind”, she said quietly, because it was always easier when she couldn’t see her face. “I need you.”

“I need you, too, Shoko”, Yutako whispered back somewhere against her neck. Her breath tingled against Shoko’s skin.

“Will you let go of me now, though?”, Shoko asked after a short pause.

“No, I’ll stay here forever”, Yutako said. “I’m the ultimate cock-blocker. Get past this, Yutaka!”

Shoko laughed. The heaving of her chest was muffled by Yutako’s weight.

“Okay, but …”

The door flew open. A cold rush of air flooded in.

“You will never believe what just happened! Jun asked me out on a date!”, Tarumi shouted and Yutako sat up, rolling her eyes at Shoko before she climbed down from her.

Shoko tried not to grin at her annoyance.

“Oh, did he?”, she asked innocently.

“Yes”, Tarumi confirmed, closing the door behind herself again and sitting down cross-legged on the floor in front of the bed. “He offered to study with me for the English exam.”

“That is not a date then”, Yutako said dryly. She didn’t seem happy about the interruption at all. “That’s a lost cause.”

Shoko shoved against her shoulder to stop her sarcasm.

“That’s so exciting”, she said. She wasn’t happy about the interruption either. Lately, things between her and Yutako had been difficult at times. They had needed a moment of truth to clear the air. She was glad about the interruption as well, though. So clear, the air had felt almost strange.

 * * *

Her name was Tarumi. She was 17 years old. Today, she had decided that she was in love, probably.

From her seat she eyed Jun. She liked his purple hair a lot. He was sitting with Kenji and Yutaka, chatting away. Lunch break had already started, but no one had bothered to leave the classroom yet. Kenji and Yutaka were handsome, too. Tarumi had liked both of them for a while, like she had liked pretty much every guy in class for a while. But Jun was different. He was a little tense around her. Somehow, that was nice. And he wanted to meet her on the weekend. For studying, but nonetheless. They would see about how much studying they would get done.

“I told you he messaged me. After class”, Shoko said.

Tarumi returned her attention to her friends, after she hadn’t been listening to them for a while. She had expected they would head straight to the infirmary once the bell rung for the break. Tarumi was glad Junko sensei allowed them to spend their time there. She was the most impressive woman Tarumi had ever met.

But today, Shoko and Yutako made no move to leave the classroom. They were arguing.

“And you just agreed?”, Yutako asked.

There was always something frightening about her inquiries. Her voice usually sounded angry. The tone she used now was different, though. There was always humour behind her anger; a hidden laugh that might break through her shouts any time. Now, she sounded different, like she was fighting down something with her anger that wasn’t laughter for a change.

“It’s just a date”, Shoko replied. “There is nothing wrong with it.”

Hearing her talk that determined was rare, too. Tarumi had the feeling there was something going on between her friends, that she couldn’t quite grasp.

She looked over to the boys again.

Thinking about Jun seemed a lot easier than understanding Shoko and Yutako. Beneath Shoko’s shy smile and Yutako’s loud voice there always seemed to lurk something else. Feelings that weren’t voiced but that still controlled their actions. Tarumi had never been like that. She usually spoke her mind freely. It made things a lot easier.

Right now, she was pretty sure that Shoko and Yutako weren’t really arguing about the date with Yutaka on the weekend.

“I think it’s nice he asked her out. He’s cute”, she jumped in to help Shoko.

Both of them gave her a stern look that signalled clearly for her to stay out of it.

“I can’t believe you are so easy. The first handsome guy who asks you out and you are head over heels for him already”, Yutako said.

Shoko crossed the arms in front of her chest. She was still calm, but knowing her, Tarumi could tell she was angry. Yutako had hit her below the belt. Tarumi could feel her all too well. Yutako was used to the attention from guys. She didn’t understand how nice a little attention could feel sometimes. Tarumi had been able to tell by her facial expression when she talked about Jun. She was reminding Shoko of the fact that she wasn’t popular.

“I liked Yutaka before already”, Shoko confessed, her voice still quiet and even. “I’m happy he finally noticed me.”

Yutako snorted, slapping her hand flatly onto the table.

“You never even told me you liked him.”

“I couldn’t tell you”, Shoko said. Tarumi hoped she would shut up, but she could tell by the look in her eyes that she wouldn’t. She was furious. Tarumi knew what she was going to say. “Not with the way it was between you and Yutaka.”

For the first time in her life did Tarumi see Yutako speechless. There was no anger on her face and no smile. For a moment, her face was entirely expressionless as if she was so baffled, she couldn’t even decide what to feel.

“There was nothing between me and Yutaka. I told you time and time again”, she finally said.

Tarumi knew that Shoko hadn’t believed her, because she hadn’t, either.

Shoko leaned back on her chair. Tarumi wanted to say something, but she had no words to mediate.

She looked at Yutako’s face and the expression on it worried her. If she looked really closely, she could see Yutako’s lower lip trembling slightly.

“I thought at least you believed me”, Yutako said. She looked small all of her sudden.

“I know how you are with guys”, Shoko said coldly.

Yutako pushed back her chair and jumped up. She was staring down on Shoko, but it was hard to tell if she was angry or shocked.

Shoko had crossed a line. She had done the one thing a friend was not allowed to do. She had judged her.

Tarumi expected her to say something, to deliver a last blow. Yutako always had plenty of words to fire. But instead she just turned around and stormed out of the classroom. Tarumi knew why she had wanted to get away so fast. She had seen the glistening in her eyes.

“That wasn’t very nice of you”, Tarumi said.

Shoko looked straight ahead to the empty seat where Yutako had been sitting just now. Her arms were still crossed in front of her chest. She was still angry.

“She wasn’t very nice, either”, she said.

Tarumi looked over to the door. She wondered if they should go after Yutako. But then she probably needed time to calm down. Shoko needed time, too.

“You should apologize”, she added.

Shoko nodded.

Yutako didn’t understand what it meant to long for someone. She never took the time to find out. But it wasn’t her fault. Lately, she didn’t seem very happy, either.

“Maybe it was a mistake to agree to the date”, Shoko said.

“It wasn’t”, Tarumi said. Maybe Shoko felt guilty towards Yutako, or maybe she thought her friend was right and Yutaka was a bad choice. But Tarumi was certain that Shoko had a right to make her own decision on that.

“We should go look for her”, Shoko finally said with a deep breath. “You check the roof. I go to the infirmary.”

“Alright”, Tarumi agreed.

She looked over to the table where Jun had sat with his friends before. They had left the classroom already.

She hated it when her friends fought.

 * * *

His name was Kiryuuin Shou. He was 17 years old. Today – like any other day – he was hiding in the library.

He didn’t hide from his classmates, because he wasn’t able to deal with them. He just preferred not to. With some good friends, life might have been easier for him. But he was fine with just getting along well with everyone without any deeper involvement. The daily conversations wore him out and nothing the others guys had to say seemed interesting enough to redeem the effort.

His female classmates wouldn’t have paid attention to him, even if he tried.

Shou stared at the letters in front of him. It was always silent in the library, even during the lunch breaks. Usually, no one else bothered to come here.

Today, something was different, though. Someone had bothered.

Shou could hear their steps somewhere behind the next shelf. He heard sniffling, too. Someone disturbed his peace with their crying. Shou didn’t like that development at all. Dealing with people’s emotions wasn’t his strong point. Crying usually meant a lot of emotions. Shou didn’t want any of those near him.

The steps came closer.

He looked up.

A female individual had stepped into his aisle.

That wasn’t good.

Shou didn’t know how to talk to women. Least of all when they were crying.

Moreover, it was a certain woman this time.

He would have known the long hair everywhere, the grey sweater and the skirt that for some reason was the shortest in class. Shou did his best not to stare at Yutako’s legs, covered by white leg warmers mostly – but not entirely. Just looking at her bare thighs made Shou’s face change colour.

He didn’t have a crush on Yutako, because he didn’t allow himself to have crushes on anyone. Crushes were for guys who were playing baseball – those guys who actually had dates. Shou wasn’t allowed to even get his hopes up.

If he had gotten his hopes up for anyone, it would have been Yutako, though.

She hadn’t turned her head, so she had not spotted Shou yet.

As quietly as possible, he grabbed for his bag on the floor.

She would never forgive him, if she realized he had seen her crying. Yutako wasn’t the kind of person who allowed others to see her being weak.

She turned her head.

Shou tried to make himself as small as possible behind the table.

It did not help.

She had seen him.

Whipping her face with the end of her sleeve, she came towards him, grabbing a chair and sitting down in front of him without any introduction.

Shou stared at her.

He couldn’t recall the last time he had been this close to her. Up close, her face was even more beautiful. She had large eyes and gorgeous lips.

Shou remembered the time she had punched that guy in middle school. Yutaka had thought it had something to do with her liking Shou, but he himself had never had any illusion about that incident. She just had a lot of passion in her and strong opinions. She would not stand by when someone was being bullied, no matter who that was. Shou liked her for saving him back then. Not because she had helped him personally, but because she was the kind of person who did stand up for others. Shou wished he would be able to even stand up for himself.

“I wasn’t crying”, Yutako said harshly. “I had something in my eye.”

Shou nodded, as if that was a perfectly normal way to start a conversation.

“It happens to me, too”, he said. “It’s dusty in here.”

Yutako stared at the book in his hands as if it had personally offended her.

“Why do you always sit here alone?”, she asked.

Her voice suggested that it wasn’t a question but an inquisition.

“I don’t really like talking to people much”, Shou said honestly.

Yutako sighed and leaned back on her chair. There wasn’t a hint on her face or in her posture that showed how vulnerable she had been only moments ago.

“I don’t like that much, either”, she admitted.

Shou snorted. He just couldn’t help it.

Yutako raised her eyebrows at him. She seemed annoyed with his reaction.

“What? You don’t believe me?”, she inquired.

Apologetic Shou shrugged. He hadn’t meant to offend her. The thought of Yutako understanding how he felt just seemed absurd to him. Yutako, of all the people.

“It’s just that you are popular. Everyone likes you.”

Yutako shook her head violently. The braids on top of her hair bounced up and down.

“Everyone calls me scary. That’s not the same as being popular”, she said.

Shou looked at his book and then into her face again. It wasn’t easy to do that. Being that close to her was still frightening and her challenging look did not help to make him feel at ease.

When they were still younger, they used to chat more often. But as they grew older and everything was about dating suddenly, Yutako had just turned to the popular guys. She had been close with Yutaka for a while. Shou wondered if that idiot even had anything interesting to say to her. But it didn’t matter. He had a handsome face and Shou did not.

“You are scary”, he said. “I mean, I’m scared of you. I’m scared to death right now. But that doesn’t mean much. I’m scared of all pretty women.”

Yutako’s gaze went from slightly annoyed to furiously piercing immediately. Shou realized what he had done wrong instantly.

“Also, women who are not pretty”, he corrected himself. “All sorts of women, basically. It wasn’t a compliment, I swear.”

The scorn vanished from Yutako’s face. She was smiling even.

“No compliment taken”, she said and nodded towards the book. Her voice was softer now than usual, less aggressive. “So, you are really reading all those books?”

“Nah, I just use them to hide my porn magazines in them”, Shou said.

Yutako chuckled. It was such a sweet sound, Shou couldn’t believe he was the one who had caused it.

She was looking at him more curiously now, as if suddenly she saw something she had overlooked so far. Shou felt uncomfortable, because he was all too aware that he had nothing interesting to offer for her to notice.

“You are funny”, Yutako finally observed.

Shou bit his lower lip.

“I had the choice between becoming very handsome or incredible funny. And I thought: Let’s go for funny, that will surely get you the girls”, he said sarcastically.

This time, Yutako laughed out for real. Her face lit up when she laughed like that, with those eyes and that smile and teeth. Shou stared at her in awe.

“Here”, he added hastily, hoping she would stay with him a little longer. He pushed the book over to her, exposing the manga that he was hiding inside.

Yutako bend forward to look at it and then raised her eyes at him in surprise. She really did look curious, now.

“You are not reading books!”, she exclaimed. “You are just reading manga the whole time?”

“Yeah”, Shou admitted with a weak grin. “Books are so long and there is so much text in them. But it makes you look smart and people are less likely to disturb you. They are scared you might talk to them intellectually.”

Yutako laughed once more.

“I love reading manga, too”, she said.

Shou eyed her critically. He didn’t want to come off as rude, but he didn’t think much of woman who just read stupid romance manga all the time. In the end, it was all about handsome guys again as if that was all they could think about.

“I have a huge collection of comedy manga. I know most people think those are for children, but I swear, I just can’t stop buying them!”

“Really?” Now it was Shou who looked at Yutako with new curiosity. He had thought her to be like everyone else, but then again there probably wasn’t such a thing as everyone.

“Absolutely”, she confirmed. “I can borrow you some. Better than talking to people, right?”

Shou nodded hesitantly. He couldn’t quite believe that she would ever talk to him again after today, but it was nice she was trying. It wasn’t her fault she would probably forget about his existence as soon as he was out of her sight. They just lived in different worlds entirely.

“Right”, he said. There was a small pause.

“Can I … What were you so upset about, when you came in?”, he finally asked. He wasn’t sure if it was alright to ask, but he assumed she needed someone to talk to. Probably, she would not tell him anyway.

Yutako shrugged. It looked funny in her big sweater, he noted.

“I had a fight with Shoko, that’s all.”

Shou felt his spirits sinking instantly. Of course, it was probably about that guy Yutaka. He had had his eyes on Shoko lately and everyone knew the rumours about him and Yutako. Naturally, he was the type she would like. He was the type that all the girls liked.

“What do you think of Yutaka?”, Yutako asked as if she had read his thoughts.

“He’s an idiot”, Shou said, before he could think better of it. He was an idiot for stealing Yutako’s attention away, although he was boring and immature and probably didn’t care for her favourite sort of manga at all.

“Right?”, Yutako said. She blew out a strand of hair from her face. “I’ve been telling Shoko again and again, but she won’t listen.”

Shou realized he had misinterpreted the situation.

“He’s not a bad guy, though”, he added.

Even if personally, he didn’t like Yutaka much, he had never been unfriendly towards him and it was obvious that his intentions with Shoko were sincere.

Yutako sighed, putting her elbow on the table and her chin onto her closed fist.

“I know”, she admitted.

Shou studied her face closely. It wasn’t easy to find the right words, not knowing the full situation. But he knew he was supposed to say something.

“Just because you feel that way, doesn’t mean it must be the same for Shoko”, he said carefully, waiting for Yutako to explode on him. Instead she looked at him attentively as if she really cared for what he had to say.

“You always seem to be very sure of your opinions. That can make it frightening to admit insecurities to you”, he carried on.

He didn’t know Shoko all that well, but he was sure that in her position, he would have been scared to speak to Yutako openly about liking someone she did not approve of. He almost pitied Shoko. Having a best friend like that couldn’t be easy. There was always a lot of pressure about everything.

“You think I should apologize?”, Yutako made sure.

Shou turned down his eyes, because meeting her gaze for too long was irritating and he felt himself starting to blush.

“Not everyone is as self-confident as you”, he said. “She probably needs your support, even if you don’t approve of her decisions.”

Yutako sighed heavily and sat up straight again.

“You are pretty smart, Shou”, she admitted. “Even if you don’t read books.”

Shou chuckled. He realized she would leave now. It was startling they had had such a long conversation to begin with.

She pushed back her chair and squinted her eyes at him as if considering something.

“Do you like me?”, she asked out of the blue.

Now, Shou was blushing for sure. His cheeks felt hot. There didn’t seem to be a correct answer to that.

“I think you are amazing”, he said. It sounded almost like a question.

“Okay.” Yutako nodded. Her voice was louder again. She wasn’t thoughtful or hesitant anymore. She was back to being absolutely sure of herself.

Shou had no idea what she meant with “okay”.

“What?”, he asked.

“I’m free on the weekend”, she said. “Saturday. I’ll come to your place to hang out. Your parents don’t mind you having girls over, do they?”

Shou stared at her. He felt paralyzed. Yutako, at his place? Wanting to spend time with him? Talking to him? Being close to him over a long period of time? He would probably die of a heart-attack.

“My parents wouldn’t believe me having a woman over to begin with”, he replied. “Even if they heard us talk, they’d probably assume I’m talking to myself in disguised voices. They think I’m a little weird in the head anyway.”

Yutako laughed. Her teeth were showing again.

“Alright then”, she announced. “You are different from the other guys. I’ll give it a try. I’ll come over and you can talk about baseball and touch my boobs or whatever.”

Things were happening too fast. In the morning, Shou had still deemed it impossible Yutako would even talk to him voluntary.

“I don’t like baseball”, he said weakly.

Yutako tilted her head.

“Actually, I like baseball”, she said thoughtfully. Then she shrugged and got up. “But you know, we can also just skip that part.”

Since Shou couldn’t think of an intelligent reply anyway, Yutako just turned around and walked out of the library, her back straight, her step confident.

Shou wondered what had just happened to him. He also wondered if Yutako really meant what she had just told him. Knowing her – she probably did.

[svartalfhild]

2018, I Won’t Miss You

A.k.a. I call out this year for all the ways it fucked me over and reflect on a few good experiences.

This year was the first year I’ve ever had a smart phone, which ended up being pretty damn useful, even essential at some points.  However, the counterbalance was that I had to go through finding out how to live in a post-school existence, and that was not pretty, because it put me at all new levels of social isolation and uncertainty.  I stressed super hard about finding a new job.  I ultimately didn’t get one and lost hours at my current job because I thought I was going to be transitioning to a better job at a toy store, but they laid me off only a few weeks after hiring me to replace me with someone with better availability.  They said I could stay on as a “seasonal worker” but it’s past Christmas and I haven’t been asked to fill a single shift since they benched me in September, so saying I still work there is kind of a joke at this point.

The good news is, despite the stress of failing to get a better job, I’ve added art as an occasional source of extra income, starting with doing the cover illustration for a short story my mother published earlier this year and later with opening commissions to the online community.

My mental health didn’t have a super great year, though, especially in the first half.  On top of the job bullshit and the dealing with not knowing how to live life without school, I was feeling intensely bleak about my existence.  I was in an excruciating amount of emotional pain because of things I couldn’t control, and it festered because I had the free time to ruminate about how lonely and dejected I felt.  I hadn’t felt quite that bad in several years, actually.  It’s hard to compete with the shit I was going through in middle school, but this came alarmingly close. 

I think my biggest mistake was trying to force myself to be fine again as soon as possible when it took me a couple years to get past the shit that plagued me when I was 12.�� I honestly think, though, that there was a little while there from about July to late September when I was coping pretty well.  I don’t know what happened in late spring to make that happen, but I was in a state of higher functioning for a bit in the summer.

The sad thing is that here at the end of the year, I am once again struggling with the same shit; I’m just a whole lot better with how that affects my behaviour towards other people now.  I do feel like I’ve learned how to better interact with people and shield those I love from the worst of my mental health nonsense.  In turn, I think that has greatly improved my relationships and made me less prone to beating myself up over the things I say.  Progress.

And hey!  I did manage to do some pretty rad things this year, despite all the crap my physical and mental health were hefting onto me.  I got on a plane for the first time and traveled by myself to Oregon to be with some of my closest friends, who I’d only ever known through the internet before.  We went to a convention together and had a really awesome time getting our asses kicked at AtlA themed dodgeball dressed as our DnD characters.  I went through a haunted house for the first time and found out that I’m too rational to be scared by a lot of that sort of stuff (but it was still fun).  I got to go to huge bookstore and see a first American edition of Fellowship of the Ring.  I think the best part of that whole trip, though, was just living with friends and getting a taste of what life without my family’s control could be like.  For once in my life, I trusted that everyone and everything was going to be okay, and for a few days, I was really happy.  Because of that, though, I spent a lot of the day that I left crying or trying not to cry.  Having so much of what you want and then having to leave it is...really upsetting, as it turns out.

But anyway.  I also managed to complete an application to grad school, so even though my whole Find A Good Job plan didn’t work, I still took a step towards some kind of life goal and I don’t have to have a total existential crisis just yet.  I don’t have high expectations about being accepted, but I do have some hopes and that’s something I can hold onto going into next year.

A lot changed with my family this past year.  Dealing with the wake of my grandfather’s sudden death was a major issue all year that seemed almost handled until my grandmother died just a couple months ago, which threw everything back into chaos and despair.  Death and loss have been an awful theme for me this year in general.  On top of my grandparents’ deaths, my dad’s best friend committed suicide, and a friend of mine, who I know to have been suicidal in the past, completely disappeared from the internet when I wasn’t looking, and I was unable to track her down to find out if she was okay.  Other friends lost people who were dear to them as well.  The world was ravaged by increasingly terrible disasters on top of that.  Needless to say, my empathy circuits are fucking fried.

Thankfully, life handed me some pretty great distractions from its bullshit, like an awesome DnD campaign and lots of time with assorted other TTRPGs, or numerous video games like Pillars of Eternity II: Deadire, Fallout 4, and Overwatch.  Netflix brought me countless hours of enjoyment, and my brother got me to watch all of Stargate SG1 with him, which I wasn’t super into at first, but it grew on me.  I started knitting again for the first time in years, because I love knitting scarves for people.  I did a lot of fic writing, but it wasn’t really fanfiction so much as additional content for my tabletop games.  Same goes for art. 

It’s been over a year now since I’ve posted any proper fanfic or fanart, which feels weird, but I think I’ve become so exhausted with the politics of being a fan content creator that I haven’t had the motivation for it.  It’s much easier to keep your passion for something going when you don’t hope to attract the attention of thousands of people, and instead you’re making things for a story you made up with your closest friends.  The only people whose attention you need to care about then are a handful of people who are already inherently invested.

Of course, that’s not to say that I don’t get sad about my work sometimes anyway, regardless of what I’m creating and for whom.  Depression is and has been a real dick this year, and it made me procrastinate on my grad app manuscript to the point where I had to stress years off my life cramming the creation of a 10k word original short story into a single month just before the deadline.  I managed it, though, and that’s the important thing.

I don’t know what to expect from 2019 except more nonsense, because there’s always copious amounts of nonsense.  Having high expectations, given what the past few years have been like, seems rather silly at this point.  I suppose what the new year shapes up to be will largely hinge on whether I get accepted to grad school in March or not.  If I do, then it’ll be a year of big change in my life, going away to live on my own in a different state.  If I don’t, then it’ll just be More Of Same, still living with my parents, working part-time at a shit food service job, looking for a new job, and tearing my hair out trying to get everything together for more grad school applications. 

One way or the other, though, I intend to try to finally get treatment for my mental illness.  I am tired of being like this and I’m tired of having my memory and focus abilities steadily destroyed by this shit.  If anything goes right next year, let it be that.

[incorrectmidc]

50 Questions! Yaayyy~

Rules: fill this out and tag at least one person you’d like to know more about! Or just fill it out! Or don’t! Answer only some of them! Make up your own questions! “What kind of requirement is that”, you ask? A reasonable one! Who am I to tell you what to do? Anything goes!

Tagged by @theempresskaizer and since I can’t sleep (and I really love tagging games), here I am. Thank you, Ythmir! :) I feel you about your favourite pens btw. The only store that sells my favourite pen closed down recently here and the other store that sells it is in Manila. ;^;

1. What kind of food can’t you stand? AMPALAYA (bitter gourd). It was a traumatic experience. D:

2. If you could choose one minor inconvenience to never have to deal with again, what would you pick? if my laptop would just stop malfunctioning every 2 weeks, it would be nice.

3. Have you got any useless talents? i play three different instruments, and it’s not useful now... i think. i really wanted to be either an astronaut or a musician when i was a kid. dad refused to let me enroll at a music school in favour of a “more prestigious” university (parents’ words) so i feel it’s kinda useless now.

4. If you could be really really good at one thing, what would it be? ha! i’m an awesome procrastinator. is there even a word? lol. but srsly, i could be a good musician. if i just put effort into it. XD

5. Name a few people you think are extremely good-looking - well, the concept of beauty is relative. my preferences are kuroba mario, cosplayers hikarin and syo seunghyo, kimura tatsunari, matt bomer

6. What was your favorite way to pass the time as a kid? my sister and i used to sneak into our parents’ room and play with our mom’s beauty kit, like we would mix the lotions, alcohols, colognes, powders and stuff while pretending to be scientists and whatnots. we even tried to eat our concoction, to see what it tastes like. xD good thing someone saw us. lol.

7. What is something you’re proud of? i can learn anything if i just put my mind into it. i’m good at studying (my dad made sure of it lol).

8. What’s one character flaw in people that you just can’t tolerate? nosy. i don’t like nosy people. i’m more of a keep-to-myself person so i really loathe these kind of people.

9. Do you consider yourself to be more of a leader or a follower? both. tho i really don’t like to lead that much since it’s too much work. the laziest person i know is me btw. but i can be a leader when i absolutely have to.

10. What kind of student are/were you? high school, both the teacher’s pet and the kind they hate since i tend to speak my mind. college, i am the ordinary student who doesn’t have any clubs since it’s too troublesome.

11. Butterfly effect question! Has there ever been a seemingly minor decision you’ve made (at the time) that ended up having a profound influence on your life? yepppp!

12. Name your most irrational fear/aversion clowns. i don’t like clowns. i hate mcdonald’s mascot.

13. Are there any fictional characters you find especially relatable? yes. kei tsukishima of haikyuu!! especially. :P

14. If you drink, what kind of drunk are you? Alternatively, what sort of person are you at parties? i don’t like parties. i never go to parties if i don’t have to. i hate large celebrations (birthdays, family and school reunions). i prefer the company of my closest friends and immediate family over parties. i only have 4 friends irl that i still keep in touch with tbh. on the other hand, drinking. i have yet to get drunk. lol. but when i have enough alcohol in me, i tend to become the philosopher. like, why do we even exist? are our existence significant or are we just a mere speck in this vast universe? yeah, that kind. oh, my friends and i usually go to karaoke when we get buzzed.

15. Do you fall in love easily? Or does it usually take a long time for you to trust someone? i’m not even sure i have fallen in love yet. i get long-time crushes tho. in fact, i still like this certain guy since i was in 1st year college. XD

16. Would you rather have one close friend or 100 casual friends? the former. please refer to question 14 for the explanation lol

17. Do you consider yourself to be more of a slob or a neat-freak? my dad tells me i have a landfill for a room. lol. i don’t mind. it’s organised chaos. XD

18. Describe a place (imaginary or real) that you would find incredibly cozy my room, on a rainy day with no one else at home and i have unlimited internet connection and books and coffee. and did i just mention i’m alone?

19. Do you have kids? If not, do you want them someday? i don’t have one. not seeing myself getting married or having a child. i’m having another baby sister/brother soon tho so i think it’s enough. :D

20. What was your favorite book as a child? the two-can first encyclopedia series. i love the one that features the solar system.

21. Name one thing you just don’t get what all the hype is about WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES A FIDGET SPINNER DO

22. Name one thing that you think is tragically underrated fanfiction writers. i have nothing against fanarts but i would appreciate it if the same attention is given to fanfiction writers.

23. If you had to be glued to a person for a month, real or fictional (who you have never met), who would you choose? kimura tatsunari hehehe

24. What’s something you’d like the chance to do someday? have the time, and the money, to visit japan and prague. and then go to russia. oh, travel the world. alone. XD

25. Do you typically speak your mind when you have a controversial opinion? Or do generally prefer to not rock the boat? depends on my mood. sometimes i just want to see the world burn.

26. What’s the dumbest fad you’ve been caught up in? what’s a fad?

27. What’s something you thought was cool as a kid/adolescent, but now cringe at yourself for? telenovelas. i wanna live like the heroine back then and now i try to forget all about it. XDD

28. What’s a trait you consider to be very admirable? kindness is something i admire and at the same time so foreign to me. sure, i can be nice but i’m never kind. i will never be kind. i know this person who’s so kind to everyone and i wonder what it’s like to be like that.

29. Is there a particular kind of item people always tend to give you as gifts? (For instance, people always get you things with ducks on them because you like ducks, etc.) i’m a hoarder of cute/pretty notebooks and pens so every year, during my birthday, my family and friends always have a new notebook/pen for me. i even got a fountain pen for my birthday last year which i haven’t used until now. XD

30. Do you speak multiple languages? Which ones? yep. filipino/tagalog, english. this native dialect called cebuano and a little bit of ilonggo. i’m currently studying japanese (self-study cos paying for lessons is expensive). i’m shit at kanji tho.

31. Would you rather live in the big city or the countryside? in the city tho not at the center of it.

32. Has there ever been something you were certain you’d hate, but ended up loving? HAIKYUU!! my online bff has been convincing me to watch haikyuu!! for 4 years now and i was adamant at refusing cos i’m sure i’d hate it. i don’t even like volleyball. but when i watched it last year, i got hooked. now my main fandom is haikyuu!! //facepalm

33. Do you mind being the center of attention, or do you prefer the spotlight to be on someone else? noooo. i don’t like being put on spotlight. lemme work quietly in the background.

34. Favorite holiday? CHRISTMAS! i love seeing the decorations and the lights. i even go to malls just to stare at the decors and listen to christmas songs. i even have my own christmas tree in my room. it’s a small one tho. with christmas lights and all. hihihi. and also my birthday. i can do whatever i want on my birthday. nyahahaha

35. Are you a more go-with-the-flow type of person, or do you need to have things planned meticulously? i only have a plan when i’m writing. i don’t even know what i’m going to do with my life. orz.

36. Is there something you loved so much you wish you could forget it and experience it all over again? (A tv show, book, series–anything.) yes, there is, but i’d rather not forget it and experience it all over again. i’m content with the fuzzy feeling i get whenever i remember it. ^^

37. What hobbies do you have? playing games, going to cons, sleeping a lot, reading, and writing. my only extreme hobby is going mountain climbing. we even went once without any gears. it was fun but i’d rather not do something that unsafe again. o3o

38. If you could have a superpower, but it was only mildly useful, what ability would you want to have? the ability to learn different languages easily. wait, how can this be mildly useful? or maybe change my hairstyle at will? lol

39. Something people are always surprised to learn about you that i’m 26. srsly, when i go to transact with government offices in behalf of the company i’m working for, they always think i’m an intern. wth.

40. Something that took you way too long to figure out this sounds silly, but putting back the chiller part of the fridge. i dislodged it once and i spent almost half an hour trying to put it back. XD

41. Worst injury you’ve had? i never had one. not a broken bone or anything. i only got hospitalized 2 times - when i was 2 and 9, respectively. and both because of dengue.

42. Any morbid fascinations? i like skulls and blowing zombies heads off. my most favourite game of all time is left 4 dead.

43. Describe your sense of humor corny and dry. sarcastic even.

44. If you had to be born in another era/place, which would you choose? in the gundam universe, like Cosmic Era, where people can live on another planet. i would relocate to saturn in a heartbeat.

45. Something you are irredeemably bad at being patient. patience is not my virtue.

46. Something that sucked but you’re glad you went through an hour of jogging for a whole month to prepare myself (and increase the stamina) for a mountain climbing activity 2 years ago

47. Would you rather have a really godawful ugly tattoo in a place that is only slightly inconvenient to conceal with clothing (upper arm, thigh, etc.), or the coolest, most beautiful tattoo ever in the middle of your face? (Neither tattoo can be removed or concealed with makeup, and the ugly tattoo will deeply offend anyone who sees it.) the ugly one. i don’t really like markings on my face.

48. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist? for a pessimist, i’m pretty optimistic. (wait, is that a song? lol)

49. What would be the most flattering compliment someone could give you? tbh, compliments about writing and work are the ones i’m usually flattered with. tho i suck at accepting compliments.

50. Something you feel people often misunderstand about you this is a fact. i have a resting bitch face so people often feel i’m always irritated/annoyed by them. 

you don’t have to do it if you don’t want tbh, but i’m tagging @lustfullyleocrawford @kakihoden @passengersaraht @emigotchi @leorysxi @oh-my-otome @spyroeden @acrispyapple @devanofficial @astridapples

[itstimetodrew]

All the Reasons Why I Like Drew

The Big Essay

To truly celebrate this Drew Day, I’d like to talk about why I like Drew and what he means to me. This whole blog is kind of dedicated to that idea, but it’s not all stated outright, and definitely not all in one post. So…. here’s the granddaddy of them all. Happy reading! :D

How I found The One

So, the matter-of-fact portion: How did I get into Pokémon? When did I decide I liked Drew as a character? It was mostly on accident. I remember I was 10 and getting over my big interest in the Tokyo Mew Mew/Mew Mew Power series. I always had some sort of Big Interest, and it was boring to be without one (it had been Yugioh before and original Pokémon before that, funny how all my favorite things came back). Since I had dropped early Pokémon for Yugioh, I didn’t care for Pokémon. It was old news, not that great, not worth going back to. But then one morning before school I went through the TV channels and stumbled upon an airing of Pokémon. All the characters except Ash and Brock and Team Rocket were foreign to me…and who was that green haired guy? I thought he was cute and needed a rebound anime crush.

By 10 years old I had started using the internet a lot, and so I found out about this new series of Pokémon, and that what I saw on TV was part of the Hoenn Grand Festival, which included that interesting Drew character. Then I found out about what a fandom was, fanfiction, AMVs, fanart, everything. It was hard not to get sucked into a fan base that had so much content and excitement surrounding it! I really doubt 10-year-old me would have imagined liking the same characters at age 21, but here I am! So, the next question…

Why Drew? (Let’s do bullet points for convenience.)

-        He’s smart and resourceful! He’s sharp enough to see through Team Rocket and Harley’s plans more than a couple times. His appeals and battle techniques can also be pretty neat…mostly. Sometimes it’s just a Petal Dance and he gets a perfect score for it pfft but stuff like that Dragonbreath + Razor Wind combo? Neato.

-        The snark…I love the snark. I like that Drew brings some comedy to the show and says what I sometimes think as the viewer (The infamous scene...

May: What’s extremespeed, Brock? 

Brock: It’s when a Pokemon uses its speed to the extreme! 

Drew, appearing from offscreen because he never misses a chance to make fun: Only an amateur would ask a question like that, May. 

(like honestly girl what did you think it meant))

-        Drew is helpful! He’s obviously a challenge and barrier to May, but he doesn’t want to see her fail. Drew helps to get May, Ash, Brock, and Max out of 4 situations with Team Rocket, and his eagerness to do what’s right is cutely summed up in his first appearance 

“No clue what’s goin’ on, but happy to assist!” 

He’s a gem and has a good heart.

-        He’s so talented! This boy is a winner plain and simple. …Ok most of the time. …Some of the time. It just isn’t onscreen. You know, it’s the attitude that counts. But really!! He got to the final round of his first contest? That he got the final round of his first Grand Festival (I assume)?? He’s a STAR. A prodigy.

-        He has realistic flaws: doesn’t like spontaneity, doesn’t display emotion well, not the best with some social interaction, stubborn, secretive etc. He is definitely not a perfect character, which makes him that much more likable.

-        Drew’s motivation and dedication inspire me. He’s so passionate and focused about what he does, and he’s worked hard to get where he is. It’s difficult for me to not want to see him succeed!

-        He’s polite and respectful! Drew isn’t a jerk to everyone, he just likes riling up May sometimes, and even then, he knows when to knock it off and be a friend. Also, when he’s uncomfortable around over-excited fans, he thanks them for their support and tries to make a quick but smooth exit. He could just as easily be mean or look down on people who think of him so highly, but he doesn’t take anyone’s praise for granted.

-        That aforementioned awkwardness around fans? Absolute plus. The irony of Drew pursuing a path that’s filled with glamor and style but being weird about personal compliments is adorable, 10/10. (But it does highlight how he loves contests for the sport itself, not for fame or vanity!)

-        He means everything he says. Drew never once apologizes for his outbursts, which can be a problem and highlights a stubbornness in not wanting to admit he was wrong. But I think it also shows how Drew is careful in what he says and has little regret about his opinions, despite how they come across.

-        Drew is mature! It’s fun seeing him become more mature over the course of the series. At first he’s a typical brat and instigates conflict with May to an obnoxious degree, but by the end we see him and May having nice heart-to-hearts about losing and how to regain motivation to try again. Amazing.

-        His bond with his Pokémon. Drew is tough and not overly affectionate with them, but it’s those little hints of friendship that make it all the better. Especially him and Roselia. They’re my lifeblood. That he keeps Roselia out of its Pokeball to see fireworks? To sunbathe? Adorable. Look at them....

And knowing Roselia was Drew’s only Pokémon for the first few contests we see him, it makes his sadness over Roselia getting hurt that much more important. His small conflict and resolution with Absol is great, too. I kind of think May and Drew’s differing opinion during the Kanto Grand Festival is the same theme that goes on to compose a large part of Ash and Paul’s rivalry. That idea of what a ‘proper’ way to train is to get results. I’m getting sidetracked and wrote about this before but anyway!! They’re all great, the whole team is great. And I can’t believe Drew’s Roserade is making lovely teas for the whole region of Alola.

-        And of course……. he’s so cute. You know this point had to come in somewhere. But look at him! 

Those bright, sharp eyes. Those lovely lashes. That smirk and – if you can catch a rare glimpse – genuine soft smile. His hair, that signature hair flip he does when he wants to seem Really Cool, his controlled mannerisms, his clothes that are way too warm for Hoenn and I don’t know why he wears them but he obviously doesn’t care---- everything!!! He’s so cute and cool and lovely and 

I Adore Him.

He’s a bit of an idol of mine at this point. Some sort of ideal self. Which sounds weird since he’s a 10-year-old secondary anime character who hasn’t been seen onscreen in like 8 years, but whatever. I admire Drew’s drive to succeed, how he helps others, respects their feelings, and doesn’t change just to impress other people. I wish I could be as unconcerned with other people and follow my own path the way he does.

But his flaws are good to reflect on, too! His strict means of training make him inflexible, and I think his lacking ability to adapt is what holds him back a bit. It’s nice to know what you’re good at it, but if you focus only on your strengths, weaknesses become that much more obvious, and new opportunities for growth may be missed! I relate to this a lot because I’m afraid of doing new things because I’m so uncomfortable at appearing unskilled. But there’s no way to improve at something if you never attempt it!

His line about there always being someone better out there than you sticks with me, as well. I think Drew takes a different take on his own advice (“I guess there’s always someone better”) between the two grand festivals we see him in. In Hoenn, Drew uses the idea of someone always being better as a consolidation as to why he lost to Robert, he doesn’t seem too upset about it because I think it was more about the person he was facing. Robert is older, presumably more experienced, so it’s fine and understandable to lose to him. 

But when he’s faced with the prospect of May having a good shot at beating him, he’s agitated and nervous. Scared. Because May wasn’t just a ‘someone’ that could be better than him. He had seen her as a novice, and so the idea of losing to this kluzty beginner girl wasn’t acceptable. When Drew has time to sit and think about why he’s so upset, with Ash and Brock giving him some thoughts, I think Drew realizes that if he comes out of the competition stronger and more experienced than when he went in, having won or not, that is more valuable than focusing on being better than specific competitors. That’s what rivalry is. The end goal of a rivalry shouldn’t be to definitively be the winner in the relationship, but to keep challenging each other to become more skilled. You hope your rivals and friends help you improve, and you want to see them experience that same growth as well.

Pursuing any goal in hopes of being the best will get discouraging fast because there really is someone better than you, eventually, if not now. The most reliable thing is to just keep improving yourself. Hope that your past self would be in awe of what you can do now, and know that you still have a lot of growth and accomplishment ahead of you.

The reason I love Drew so much, and why this essay is so ridiculously long, is probably because I’ve locked myself into a bit of an echo chamber, honestly. Since I watch episodes with Drew most often and reflect on him a lot, he’s become extremely important and fascinating to me. I realize he’s a standard character from an objective view: the love interest and classy, arrogant rival…but after a full decade he’s developed a whole life of his own in my mind. Making headcanons and backstories and predictions for the future is so much fun! I know I build him up to be a lot more than he is in the series (I mean I usually get disappointed at the lack of depth he has when I go back to watch episodes) and it seems silly but…I’m okay with that silliness at this point. I kind of have to be after a solid decade lol

After all, I only picked up art again after wanting to bring fanart ideas to life when seeing a challenge for drawing favorite characters. Is that a laughable reason? Yeah! But do I enjoy art and I’m glad I decided to try again? Definitely!

And I thought AMVs with Drew on YouTube were so neat that I decided I wanted to make my own. So, I tried video editing, and I liked it! I still do video work and may incorporate it into a career. A career – from wanting to put clips of Drew and May to cool music. It’s so bizarre, but I’m glad that started me on this path!

Last year I also decided to finally get serious about learning Japanese which unsurprisingly, probably wouldn’t have happened if I wasn’t so interested in the Pokémon anime and my doujinshis with you know……. Drew. Learning a new language is rewarding in itself because I think it’s so neat to develop the ability to communicate with an entirely new group of people. To share ideas and culture and conversation…it’s amazing! Speaking of which – the people.

I’ve met so many people because of my love for Drew. Quite literally all of you reading this. Otherwise my YouTube account wouldn’t have existed, this blog wouldn’t, the videos, the shitposts, the fanart, all the cards and packages sent to one another, the hilarious, thoughtful, bizarre, uplifting text messages, every interaction and friendship online…none of them would have happened. Not that I don’t have bonds built on things other than Pokémon (it’s hard to believe, but some people have no clue how much I like Pokémon, much less Drew lol), but it seems like a butterfly effect. Since I’ve loved him for literally half of my life and I’ve gone through my teenage and now early adult years with this Thing for him, I don’t even know how much of my own personality and experience living as myself would be different. It’s wild and weird. My time in the Pokémon fandom has factored into so much of my life that I can’t possibly imagine what my life in some Drew-less parallel universe is like. Not to say my life would be bad without this fixation, but it’s too much change and I love my life the way it is!

Although this Drew Day is entirely arbitrary and June 12th has no real significance for him as a character, it’s great to get all my thoughts and feelings focused on one date. It all probably sounds ridiculous, all the importance I put on Drew as a character, but I’m aware of that ridiculousness. I thoroughly enjoy it! Drew will likely always be my favorite character in all of media. Perhaps someday I won’t think of him much anymore, but I would have guessed that as a 10-year-old thinking of her 21-year-old self, wouldn’t I?

All I can hope for is that I continue to have a great time with the Pokémon series, and that maybe my love for Drew will end up leading me to new passions and interests even further in my life. I’m so thankful he exists as a character and that I’ve had such a great time discussing him in stories and jokes and art with so many others. So, thank you! Everyone!!