#just because the future would be fucked without sarah jane

[thetimelordbatgirl]

With all the mystery around who Ruby is and who her mom is, I really, really hope it isn't actually the Trickster like others have been saying, because while yes it would be nice to see something from SJA appear in current DW, it also would just feel weird at this point as the Trickster was such a Sarah Jane villain that it just feels wrong to give him to the Doctor as an enemy just because Sarah Jane is gone.

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

One of my favorite narrative choices/interpretations in twdg is how tied together Clementine’s “death” scene and Lee’s death are. Yeah sure, there are the obvious visual parallels but that’s not exactly what I’m talking about.

For the longest time, I was one of the people who always shot Lee, y’know? It just makes sense, you can’t let Lee become a walker, it’s so much more tragic for Clementine to be the one to put him down. Clearly shooting him is the right answer. After all, the player percentages don’t lie.

But then years passed and I eventually played the other route where I asked Clementine to leave Lee, and I am no longer one of those people.

Don’t get me wrong. Both endings make me cry. They’re powerful in different ways, but there’s something about the way that leaving Lee to turn into a walker can affect an interpretation of TFS and Clementine as a character.

[note: this turned into a bit of a Clementine character analysis and it’s long and I’m sorry that this is the way I am]

Y’see, having played through the series as much as I have, I’ve grown to love this narrative that you can build leading back to this choice and the ways it stuck with Clementine over the years, and subsequently affects the way she raises AJ.

When you ask Clementine to leave Lee, he gets the chance to give her a little more advice and it get progressively heavy:

Lee: You can leave me. It's okay.

Clementine: You'll be just like them.

Lee: It's okay. It won't be me.

Clementine: Lee...

Lee: Clem, it's time to go. You gotta get out of here.

Clementine: You can come with me.

Lee: No, honey, I can't. It's okay.

Clementine: Please?

Lee: You have to go, now.

Clementine: Maybe...maybe...I shouldn't let you turn.

Lee: I don't want you to have to do that.

From here, you have a set of options that allows Lee to explain why she shouldn’t shoot him: Shooting people changes you and Lee doesn’t want Clem to get used to that, she can remember him alive as her last memory of him rather than her shooting him, she should save the bullet, or the noise will draw more attention than it’s worth.

After that, depending on your choices, he’ll further explain himself. I usually get:

Lee: Pulling the trigger of a gun and ending a life, Clem...you feel yourself lose something every time. The first time, the most. Don't do it unless you absolutely have to.

Clementine: I'll go. I'll...leave you. I'll go as fast as I can.

Lee: And as safe as you can. Always be safe.

Lee is barely breathing at this point, he can’t keep his eyes open, he looks like he’s on the verge of turning into a walker at any moment. Clementine, gun her in her little hands, turns to him and one last time, asks him not to go.

Like… the whole scene is more than enough to make you teary eyed.

There are a lot of reasons for making this choice, most of which you’re allowed to explain through Lee. Some people have a more logical take on this by saying that it doesn’t matter if Lee turns or not, Clementine isn’t in danger with him chained up, therefore she doesn’t have to waste a bullet in killing him. That bullet might be the difference between life and death in the future. 

Then there’s a more emotional approach of not wanting Clementine to be the one to have to kill Lee, forever traumatizing her even further after everything she went through with the stranger and her parents. Lee can’t ask her to do that, he can’t force this little girl to kill him just so that he won’t turn into a walker. It’ll change her.

I like to think it’s all of the above. Lee’s made sure that he can’t get to her, she’s armed and knows how to protect herself, and he cares more about her having an extra bullet that could save her life rather than wasting it on him when no matter what, death is inevitable for him. It’s like what he says about Larry if you tried to save him: 

“It's like with Larry, honey. He was goin', one way or another. But at that moment I couldn't do more violence. You have to be careful about that. It'll consume you.”

She shouldn’t do that if she doesn’t have to. Lee has no idea what’s going to happen after he dies, if he’ll just be dead and gone or if part of him will remain as a walker, or something else. He reassures her that the walker left in his place won’t actually be him, but no one actually knows that. Yet, that doesn’t matter, he cares more about Clementine than himself at this point.

But what does this choice do to Clementine?

Sure, she doesn’t have to live with the fact that she killed the man who swore to protect her, even after she was indirectly responsible for him getting bitten in the first place. He asked her to leave him there, to let him become a monster, to leave before she could see him like that. He makes sure she knows that this was the right thing, the best thing for everyone, and I do think she believed him, or at least want to, in that moment. Underneath her grief and stress of the worst day of her life, she at least had Lee’s last words to her and his reassurance that she’s going to make it through this.

But then we move onto the other seasons, and Clementine isn’t the little girl she was in the first season. Season two is pretty much summed up with: “Clementine does ANYTHING and gets punished for it.”

She goes through so much shit in S2. You can try to make all the morally good choices you want and Clementine will still end up getting slapped around, people she grows to care about fall dead all around her, and she gets a lot of blame for it. She’s forced to kill a dog that attacks her, Kenny lashes out at her more than once, blaming her for Sarita’s death no matter what you do, she can’t save Sarah, she couldn’t save Luke, everything is falling apart and by the end, everyone’s fucking dead with the exception of either Jane or Kenny, depending on you choices. 

Clementine carries all this shit with her, like Kenny and Bonnie telling her that just because she’s a little girl, she thinks she can get people killed and it’s okay since she’s sorry. Of course she’s going to internalize all of it and bring it back to Lee. She has conversations with Kenny where she’ll open up about how it was her fault he died. Kenny, for all his faults, will usually try to reassure her that it wasn’t.... but then pulls the shit he does so y’know... mixed messages that help no one.

But by the end of it, no matter what ending you get, little newborn AJ is left in Clementine’s care.

From all of this, we know that Clementine tends to blame herself for the deaths of those she cares about, which is traced back to Lee. It’s when we get to ANF that her tune changes a bit. She’s jaded, bitter, selfish, and Lee was right..... all of this violence did change her. 

I mean, she just fucking shoots the guy who traded her bad bullets, and while she didn’t mean to... she still pointed a loaded gun at his head and pulled the trigger, something Lee taught her to never do unless she had to. Then, she wants Javi to cover for her, to lie... and if you don’t, because hey murder and lying bad, she gets upset and tries to make Javi feel like an asshole for telling the truth rather than validating her actions.

When I say ANF Clementine is my least favorite, it’s because her behavior, while it makes sense, is so frustrating and unbearable at times. It making sense doesn’t excuse it. 

She steals, lies, pulls several Kennys where she gets pissy when you don’t do what she wants you to, is willing to assist in Lingard’s death if it benefits her without even considering any other options or what a dark place he’s in, and she’s at a point where she just assumes everyone around her will inevitably die or leave her. That’s just what happens, that’s why she’s alone, and as a means of coping, she tries to spin it this way to alleviate some of the pain she’s had thrown at her for years.

Now, ANF Clementine isn’t all bad, she has a lot of redeeming moments where the Clem I knew in the past two seasons will shine through. You as Javi can help her grow and get onto a better path than the one she was goin’ down. She makes friends with Gabe, which is important since as far as we know, she hasn’t had a friend close to her age since Sarah. She has hope again after David tells her AJ survived, and she has more than just survival on her mind.

It’s just.... it’s sad to think that she’s at a point where she seems to have momentarily forgotten Lee’s final words to her. And when I think about it..... this behavior would almost make more sense if she DID shoot Lee, y’know? But in this timeline we’re discussing, she didn’t, she left him to turn and he gave his reasons for why he wanted that... but she still ended up this way. Nothing he could say or do could’ve prevented that. 

But at the end of ANF, Clementine has one goal: get AJ back.

Through all of this, through ANF and before the events of TFS... I truly believe that Clementine lost herself. 

She’s forgotten a lot of the things Lee taught her, she’s forgotten about her parents in the sense of “what would they think if they saw me now,” she’s overwhelmed with all that bad that those good things, that hope she had, has been put on the backburner.

She’s been forced to live in a world that’s cruel to you no matter if you’re “good” or “bad”, and that can put you into that selfish mindset where you tend to just disregard everyone you don’t have any emotional connection to, and even then, people you’re close to will get the same treatment, whether intentional or not. It’s unflattering, unlikable, and the only reason more people don’t see that is because it’s Clementine. 

It gets to a point where she has a few different paths she can go on, and right now, she’s on a destructive one. 

I think through knowing the Garcia’s, she was put on a better path but she’s still lost. She’s hyper focused on getting AJ back. Nothing else matters, nothing will stand in her way, and that leads to a breaking point in her character.

So...the McCarroll Ranch flashback is a thing. 

The varying interpretations of this scene are interesting to discuss.

Some will say Clementine was continuing her extremely selfish and destructive behavior when she found the ranch in flames and was willing to commit more murder in order to get AJ back, even if it meant traumatizing him with the death of his caretaker, and if she had shown up earlier before they were under attack, who knows how far she would’ve gone to take him away.

Others say no, that Clementine found the ranch compromised, she was acting in self-defense when she shot Eddie and AJ’s caretaker, Helen. It was either her or Clementine, as Helen was pulling a gun out when she spotted Clem, who reacted accordingly. If she hadn’t shown up, perhaps AJ wouldn’t be alive right now. We don’t know. 

For me, it’s a bit of both. She finds the ranch and panics because yeah, it’s on fire and there are assholes running around, shooting the place up. She holds Eddie at gunpoint, demanding to know where the kids are. He thinks she’s another asshole raider and even tells her that he’s not gonna let her take a kid, and she kills him. She doesn’t try to explain herself, she just demands the info and kills him. It’s not great, but yeah, he would've hurt her if she didn’t kill him. 

Then, she hears Helen talking to AJ, who is in the locker. I don’t know why she didn’t say anything. There isn’t an option to. Maybe she thought silence was the more peaceful route, or it would give her an upper hand. But, then Helen hears here and panics, pulls out a gun, and Clementine shoots her.

This is the moment. 

She shoots this woman in the children’s room, and after examining her body, realizes that she was the one caring for AJ. Clementine is looking over this woman, and you get pieces of her thoughts like-

“She was taking care of him”

“I had no choice”

“I’m sorry”

Then, Clementine finally gets what she’s longed for- she has AJ back... and he’s covered in blood, sobbing, terrified of her. She coaxes him out of the locker and he sees his caretaker dead on the floor.

This scene, with Clementine looking at the body, walking through rubble and fire to put AJ in the car, he’s staring up at her with this unfamiliar look in his eyes.... and she stops for a second... 

I truly feel like this is the moment where Clementine is suddenly hit by everything all at once, and she’s actually questioning, “Oh god..... who am I? How did I get here and what have I done?”

She did all of this for AJ, and now she has him, so it was worth it, right? Everything she did was a necessary evil and it was worth it... right?

... but imagine if Clementine did inject Lingard, killing him. She assisted in a man's death to get here. Was taking his life necessary? If you know how the choices work, then no, it’s not. But Clementine doesn’t know that. 

If you stopped her, then she still gunned down several people to stand where she is. She’s has left AJ so wounded by killing Helen, and while we know she didn’t have a choice in the moment, AJ doesn’t understand that. He doesn’t even recognize Clementine and she can see that in the way he looks at her.

“Pulling the trigger of a gun and ending a life, Clem...you feel yourself lose something every time.....”

TFS is where I think Clementine has found herself again and that’s why she’s more balanced and likable, and there are more references to Lee and her parents.... yeah, I know it’s mostly the writers doing it for fanservice and to make us cry, but I’m choosing to look at it in the narrative rather than with that intention.

Clementine has AJ back, she’s been raising him the best way she can, she’s taught him to use a gun since he needs to protect himself, and Lee taught her when she was little, too. She’s taught him to read,  taught him survival techniques she’s picked up, all that. She’s also more playful with him, she smiles more. She’s not a bitter 13-year-old like in ANF. Survival and safety is #1 and her attitude is mostly serious, but she isn’t afraid to tease or be a little silly.

But here’s the deal..... usually when I replay the series, I’ll leave Lee to turn but I’ll have Clementine tell AJ that if she ever gets bit, he’ll shoot her.

“What?” I hear you say. “But... haven’t you been rambling on and on about how murder bad and how leaving Lee was better because she didn’t have to live with the fact that she killed him?? but you want AJ to?? CJ you make no sense!”

I know that, but allow me to elaborate. Remember, this is all my interpretation after years of replaying this series. This is the narrative I find most enjoyable. This is my Clementine and the way I interpret her. 

So, Clementine listens to Lee and leaves him to turn into a walker. He tells her that it won’t be him, he’ll be dead and gone, save the bullet. Yeah, yeah, I already covered this. But remember my “what does this do to Clementine?” question?

I swingin’ back to it because I didn’t really answer it directly, now did I? It’s basically followed up with another question: What if Clementine comes to regret leaving Lee instead of shooting him?

She herself even says that maybe she shouldn’t let him turn, and he tells her he doesn’t want her to have to do that. She listened to him, and left him behind to turn into one of the monsters that tore their world apart. She’s lived with the fact that she’s the reason Lee was bitten, that he died.... but there was always another thing that pricked needles into her guilt: Lee’s a walker. He’s going to spend the rest of eternity as a walker handcuffed to a heater. There is the big possibility that no one will ever find him, will never kill this walker version of him.

Was that the right thing to do? 

I don’t know about you, but the walker debate is kinda fun to explore, and oh boy, do they try to explore it in TFS.

It’s easy for us to be like “Nope, there is nothing to walkers because they’re dead. Nothing human is left behind. Leaving Lee is fine.” 

…but then I have to ask, why did most people shoot him when the episode released? Why do people still pick that option? You don’t want Lee to be a walker, but at the same time, it’s actually fine because nothing about him would be left behind?

Is it because you couldn’t handle seeing him as a walker and didn’t know if the ending would show it or not? It doesn’t, you know that now. Were you afraid he would hurt anyone else? Well, you chained him up. He’s not going anywhere. He’s no longer a threat. 

So why do so many people still choose to shoot Lee and insist it’s the right choice even if by this logic, it doesn’t matter if he’s a walker because it’s not him? Save the bullet, don’t put Clementine through that, right? 

Maybe you just like the way the tragedy plays out when Clementine shoots him, and that’s perfectly fine. Maybe you don’t believe there’s more to walkers, but still pick this because how can you not? It’s Lee! He can’t become a walker.

Again, I feel you. My reasons for always shooting him in the past were that. It’s Lee, he can’t become a walker. I can’t do that to him. I love him, and that would be wrong. 

But that’s the thing... I believe we’re not the only ones having this debate. Clementine is having this internal debate within herself at different points over the series, but it’s especially prominent in TFS. 

Lee asked her to leave him, but was that really the right thing to do? He took care of her, saved her life and taught her to survive, and after he was bitten, she left him to turn into a monster. He didn’t deserve that, but his final wish was for her to leave. Should she have shot him anyway, ignoring his wishes? Would that have been worse? Disrespectful? Is it okay to ignore his wish if you think he’s wrong and you think you know what’s best? 

What if there is a part of him still inside that walker form? There’s no way to know that. What if she condemned a part of him to cruel fate because she didn’t shoot him? What if he’s truly gone and she’s worrying herself over nothing? What if she had shot him and needed that bullet later, or what if the noise drew attention? 

...What about her parents? They were walkers, too... roaming the street together... are they suffering, too? Or are they truly gone? 

I believe this is what lead to her decision to tell AJ that if she ever gets bitten, he should shoot her. All of these thoughts and regrets can resurface depending on your choices, like in the dorms at the beginning of ep2.

AJ: You told me your friend Lee became a monster. But you didn't kill him... because he wasn't a threat. Is that why you didn't kill him?

Clementine: He didn't want me to. He said it would change me forever. But I know he...

AJ: He became a monster. Do you wish you did?

Clementine: Yeah.... Every day.

Or, alternatively:

Clementine: How can you ask me that? What you did is completely different.

AJ: I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to make you mad, at all.

Clementine: .....I...I can still hear him. Telling me not to do it.

AJ: I said I'm sorry.

Clementine: ...I still hear it, sometimes.

and yeah, yeah, I know that this isn’t canon for everyone. Reminder that this is my Clementine interpretation and it’ll probably differ from yours, hence why we’re going over these specific choices. 

Looking at these responses, Clementine admits that she wishes she had shot Lee, that even though he told her that it would change her and she shouldn’t have to... she still left him to die alone and change. Maybe she doesn’t even fully understand WHY he asked her to do that... why didn’t he ask her to shoot him? Did he think she couldn’t? Even though he kept telling her that she had it in her to defend herself? Wasn’t he scared of what would happen afterward? What if Lee was so sick and out of it due to the bite that he wasn’t thinking right? 

Again, all these kinds of questions could possibly run through her mind, which in turn affects her choice with AJ. She doesn’t want him to go through what she did, to regret letting her turn into another monster. It’ll change him to shoot her, but it’ll also change him to let her turn.... maybe shooting her is the lesser of two evils. 

The thing about Clementine is that she’s not a perfect teacher, she doesn’t have all the answers, and all of her experiences reflect in the choices she makes with AJ. She’s trying her best. She loves AJ, he’s her family and she wants what’s best for him. She wants him to be strong, to be a better survivor who can take care of himself if something ever happened to her. But, she’s doesn’t know everything, and she forgets that yeah, AJ’s a kid... and so is she. She’s not some thirty something who has all this world experience and can always make logical decisions in every situation, and neither was Lee. 

AJ sees this towards the end of the season when he starts questioning her.

AJ: I always listened to Clem. Always. But...I've been thinking more. I don't know if she's right every time.

So while she truly believes that this is the best thing... she also won’t take AJ himself into account. Well, she does but she fails to ask him what he wants, what he thinks, and when he starts questioning her, she becomes defensive and makes him promise that he’ll shoot her even though he’s saying he doesn’t want to. 

Which leads me to two particular scenes that I think reopen the wounds and reaffirm Clementine’s thoughts and fears. We’ll start with the obvious one: James. 

I know it’s easy to just call James and his dumb walkers crazy, that walkers aren’t people, yada yada. But for fun, let’s indulge him for a moment. James is a fascinating character study with the way he’s come to view walkers, and he eventually shares these beliefs with Clementine when she asks him for help, and when you leave Lee to turn, you get this conversation:

James: They used them as a weapon. I do this...to protect them. I know it sounds strange. But that's why I brought you here. To see them as I do. As people.

Clementine: As...people?

James: Well, not people, exactly. But... Something in between. Part of us is still in there. Deep down. So few of us die anymore. We turn. Not dead, not alive.

Clementine: God, I hope that's not true. That sounds like Hell.

James: To you, maybe. I think it seems...peaceful.

AJ: Do you really think there's people inside of monsters?

James: Somewhere, yes. Think about it this way... Has someone you cared about turned?

Clementine doesn’t respond.

AJ: Clem's friend, Lee. She let him... but wishes she didn’t. 

James: Do you really think...there's nothing left of who he was?

Here’s where my Clementine will remain silent, as you can either agree or disagree with him which doesn’t feel right for her, in this case. Though a little annoying that James takes your silence personally and won’t talk about Charlie later BUT that’s a topic for another ramble. 

Anyway, Clementine doesn’t want to think about this. She’s thought about it enough, let it eat away at her longer than she should’ve, and now James is here asking her if she truly believes there’s nothing left inside the walker Lee became? She doesn’t have time to reflect on this, she has to get James’ help to save her friends. 

However, I believe this conversation stuck with her, and that’s why she gets more defensive when AJ brings up the idea that if Clem gets bit, then she should bite him, too. Like.... No, absolutely not, AJ. That’s not what we agreed on to do if she gets bit. He’ll shoot her. 

Clementine: AJ, we've talked about this. A lot. If I get bit, you know what has to happen.

AJ: I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Clementine: But you brought it up, so we're going to.

AJ: It does something weird to my stomach. Like I'm gonna get the dookies.

Clementine: AJ, I need to know you remember what we talked about. What you're supposed to do if it happens. Listen to me. If I get bit, you'll...?

AJ doesn’t respond.

Clementine: Shoot--

AJ: No! No, I'm not gonna do that.

Clementine: AJ, you promised.

AJ: I don't care. I'm not gonna shoot you! If you get bit, I'd want you to bite me, too.

Clementine: What? You don't mean that.

AJ: I don't want to be alone. Please don't be mad. I can't live with you not with me, Clem. I know we've talked about it. So much. But don't make me.

And like.... here’s an interesting thing if Clementine doubles down on this:

Clementine: Alvin Junior, if you have a gun, you shoot me. If you don't, you use your knife. No knife, a rock to the head. As many times as you have to.

AJ: I said I don't wanna!

Clementine: I don't care what you said. You will do it.

AJ: I don't care what you say!

Clementine: Goddamn it, AJ! You can't break promises.

Like jesus. She is once again so blinded by what she believes is right and what is the best option for AJ that she’s not even thinking about the fact that she’s telling him that yeah, if you have no other options, bash my face in with a rock! Holy shit, Clementine! She isn’t understanding a big thing here, the thing that factored into why Lee told her to leave him. 

Of course, there are less harsh responses but I find that one particularly interesting.

Now, lemme explore the other scene: Abel. 

So, the beginning of ep3 has Clementine and AJ talking to a tied up Abel about where the raiders took our friends. But it doesn’t take long before Abel starts spitting up blood and panicking that something’s wrong. 

Abel: Shit... I never wanted things to end like this. Everything...it all got out of hand. Now look at me. I'm a fucking mess.

AJ: Will he turn?

Abel: No! ...My...my whole life, everything I ever got, I got with my own two hands and...and my will. For my body to turn on me...to take control... I'll tell you where to find Lilly. Just promise you won't let me turn. I'm begging you.

Look, I hate Abel, he sucks..... but I also really like him as an antagonistic character and what they did with him here. 

So, we have Abel here begging for them to make sure he doesn’t turn... because Abel believes that letting some turn is cruel, he’ll even admit that he believes there are people inside of walkers and that’s why you put a bullet in them, no one deserves to be a walker. 

Abel: You wouldn't do it...you wouldn't let me become...one of those things.  What if they...what if they can feel it...when they turn?!

And after he gives you the info-

Abel: You got what you wanted. Please, don't let me become one of those things. Please... I don't want to turn...

Do keep in mind that this happens before the James scene, too. Clementine’s already got this on her mind when she meets up with him and the barn scene plays out.... but this whole thing with Abel is a lot. You can be cruel and torture him or you can play nice, or you can do a bit of both. 

And by the way, if you let him turn, it reeeally fucks with AJ. So that’s fun. 

Now not only is Clementine trying to work out a plan to get her friends back and trying to protect AJ and all that, but she’s also dealing with these thoughts and ideas presented by Abel and James..... and like, yeah I know the Lee dream sequence was intended for fanservice and to make us cry.... but I dunno, kinda funny timing that she would have a dream about Lee that night after going through both of those events in the same day as well as doing prep to infiltrate the boat. 

While I love the dream sequence and this interpretation I’m talking about probably wasn’t all that intentional given that this would've been the perfect moment to explore or even hint at it but they don’t.... but it’s fine, it’s perfectly logical that she’s more worried about her friends who are still alive rather than if she did the right thing with Lee. 

I think it’s time I move onto the actual bitten Clementine stuff before this turns into a novel sooo.... Clementine gets bit after she and AJ get separated from Louis/Violet/Tenn. She’s bitten on her wounded leg, and after all the chaos of getting away from walkers and climbing up to safety... Clementine just lies there for a bit.

And you can feel it, y’know? She and AJ knew what happened, but Clementine still has to confirm it... and when she pulls away part of her boot to reveal the bite... she lets out a deep breath and says she got bit..... but they gotta keep moving forward. No time, gotta get up, gotta keep moving, gotta get AJ to safety. Nothing else matters. 

So they walk. They walk until it’s morning and Clementine starts to look awful... and I think most of us took this opportunity to tell AJ she loves him. 

Then all hell breaks loose, they’re surrounded by walkers and have to hide out in James’ walker barn, but Clementine’s too weak to fight. This is when the game starts to have us take control of AJ, switching us between the two as Clementine shoots walkers and AJ shuts the doors. 

Until Clementine runs out of ammo. 

The walkers are locked out, they’re catching their breath... and now they have a whole new problem to deal with. Clementine’s bitten, and AJ, similar to how little Clementine was, tells Clementine she needs to try to get up and leave with him. 

Clementine: Good job, AJ. You did it.

AJ: Now what?

Clementine: You need to find a way out of here.

AJ: We can climb up there. The monsters can't reach us up there. Let's go. Easy climb. C'mon. Please...try. You can't give up! You can't give up! I need you! I need you...

She can’t get up. 

Clementine: I'm so sorry, kiddo. This is just what happens sometimes.

AJ: But...but it wasn't supposed to happen to you!

Sigh.... now here it is. This is another big moment in Clementine’s character that changes everything. It’s that moment at McCarroll Ranch again- it all hits her at once. 

Clementine: I need to make sure you remember.

AJ: Remember what?

Clementine: The rules. What's number one?

AJ: Never...never go alone. So...so I can't leave. Not without you.

Clementine: AJ...

AJ: It's your rule!

Clementine: You won't be alone. Not for long. Get back to the school.

AJ: I don't know how.

Clementine: Sure you do. One of the first things I ever taught you. You need to make sure they can't smell you. So... grab that axe.

She’s dying, she’s going to die and leave AJ behind.

Clementine: Next rule: what do we do when the monsters come?

AJ: Clem...

Clementine: AJ...

AJ: Shoot them in the head.

Clementine: Got any more ammo?

AJ: There isn't any more.

Clementine: Okay, then. Fuck. And...the last rule?

AJ: I want to stay. With you. I know what will happen. And...and I don't care. I don't want to go. I just want to sit next to you and...and stay. Like that monster couple, from the train station. No one would hurt us. Just...sitting. Forever.

Clementine: I don't want you to leave, either.

AJ: Then don't make me!

Clementine: But it's not about what I want. It's about what you need. And you need to go.

AJ: Okay, Clem. Okay.

Clementine: Last rule.

AJ: No...

Clementine: What do we do if I get bit? ....Are you gonna make me say it? 

And this is Clementine truly realizes, understands for the first time why Lee made the choice he did... why he asked her to leave him.

Clementine: Just leave.

AJ: I can't let you turn into a monster.

Clementine: You have to.

AJ: But before, you said...

Clementine: I know. But now that we're here... My heart is saying something else.

She finally gets it. 

When Lee said she’s in his shoes now...? She IS in his shoes finally understanding a part of their situation years ago that she never could. For years, she questioned how he could ask her to leave him, WHY he did. She questioned if she did the right thing, regretted listening to him.... but now that they’re here and she’s presented with the same choice Lee was... she understands why her reasons for asking AJ to shoot her if she gets bitten were skewed, that what she thought was preventively protecting him from more hurt was only doing more damage. He’s already taken a life, and just like Lee said, he’s losing a part of himself every time he does it, and if she told him to shoot Lilly, too? and if he shot Tenn? 

What is killing Clementine with an axe going to do to AJ?

What is leaving Clementine to become a walker going to do to him?

What is the right thing to do?

Well, for Clementine, her answer is to ask him to leave. She knows she told him differently, but that was when this scenario was merely a “what if?” Now it’s happening and she sees the errors in her thinking, and no matter what happens now, she’s going to die. Maybe she’ll feel it, like Abel said. Maybe James is right and she’ll spend the rest of her undead life alone in this barn. Maybe nothing will happen. It doesn’t matter. 

But... we all know, AJ has another solution up his sleeve that Clementine never considered. 

He turns to leave her... and then turns back around and disobeys her wishes... and chops off her bitten leg. 

And she fucking survives. 

Clementine survives her walker bite. 

AJ did what little Clementine back in s1 couldn’t do... he didn’t listen to her, and this time, it worked in their favor. 

Clementine: When we were in the barn, you didn't listen to me. And if you had...I'd be dead. You'll have to be strong for the both of us.

AJ: You made it so I can. So...thank you. For everything.

Clementine: You're welcome. For everything.

Clementine still has a lot of things to work though, especially now that she only has one leg. She can’t move around the way she could before, she has to completely relearn how to walk on crutches, possibly a peg leg. She gets to sit down and breathe, rely on others and do some reflection on who she is and come to terms with all the pain she suffered, and grow from there. 

Now that she understands why Lee did what he did, she can take a step in the right direction of forgiving herself, to atone for all the mistakes she’s made and the people she’s hurt. 

She has a boyfriend/girlfriend/friends there at her side to listen and love her, she has AJ, she has her lovable pupper Rosie, and she has a home... for the first time since she was little, she has a home and she can find herself again. Keep movin’ forward. 

This is my favorite line of choices, my favorite way to interpret the connection between Lee and Clementine’s scenes, and how I view Clementine’s growth and understanding as a character in TFS. There are so many ways for it all to play out, no Clementine is the same between players, and I dunno I just... I find the whole thing so compelling. 

Clementine is such a fun character to discuss, to compare interpretations of, and I’m sorry for such a long post but this is another thing I’ve wanted to throw out there for a while. Now that I’m done, I’m gonna go make some tea and chill out. 

[jordankennedy]

every avatar i can think of and their relationship to recreational drugs and alcohol

jon sims: only drinks those fruity cocktails that don’t taste like alcohol. seems like someone who has never done drugs but has absolutely snorted speed in university and only georgie knows about it

martin blackwood: doesn’t drink. has smoked weed before but has justified concern for his own health and doesn’t make a habit of it

tim stoker: likes and hates drinking beer in equal measure. seems like someone who does drugs but never actually has

sasha james: academically enjoys edibles but prefers to just drink anything blue

not-sasha james: drinks straight tonic water or margarita mix and inhales the fumes off of sharpie markers

gertrude robinson: smokes menthols and puts whiskey in her coffee. doesn’t do drugs and if you ask she’ll just squint at you in that old lady way. has allowed gerard keay to smoke weed in her office before

elias bouchard: still smokes but it makes him cough a lot so he only does it in private. used to drink laudanum but can’t find it anywhere anymore so now he just makes do with weed and really expensive gin

melanie king: likes daiquiris but only if they’re a flavor other than strawberry. vapes exclusively blue raspberry and watermelon flavors

basira hussain: only ever drinks just enough to avoid getting drunk. has never been on drugs and doesn’t want to. would pick up a joint with her thumb and pointer fingers like it was toxic waste

daisy tonner: has only been drunk once and hated it. has never done drugs but kind of wants to just so she can say she has. hates vapes and stares at melanie directly in the eye until she leaves whenever she does it within six feet of her

georgie barker: hates the taste of all alcohol. owns many novelty souvenir bongs purchased from various tourist attractions around europe. her favorite is the one that looks like a bottle of honey shaped like a bear

peter lukas: likes a lot of weird craft beer and thinks he’s oppressed for it. vapes also but only gross old man flavors like mint and butterscotch

jane prentiss: likes red wine. would smoke weed if offered it but has no idea how to go about acquiring it herself

timothy hodge: drinks fucked up cocktails that would kill anyone over the age of thirty-five. will do molly at parties and then go home and sleep for fifteen straight hours and he does this every friday

raymond fielding: drinks brandy out of a crystal glass like people do in the movies. extremely catholic but was also twenty years old in the 1960s. tried lsd one time and the web told him to stop throwing away his bright future so he never did it again

agnes montague: doesn’t drink because diego molina told her when she was like eight that she would explode if she did. would vape if she had ever heard of it but tragically hasn’t

julia montauk: astronomical tolerance for everything so she usually doesn’t even bother. drinks a lot of whiskey bc she likes how it tastes

maxwell rayner: drinks laudanum

trevor herbert: canonically has done heroin. has since kicked his addiction and doesn’t do or drink anything anymore

oliver banks: does xanax but he technically has a prescription. says he smokes weed for his anxiety but it actually just makes it worse

jared hopworth: advocates for allowing safe steroid use but would rather die than do it himself. refuses to drink on principle but when he was still a normal human he drank natty light

gerard keay: drinks one shot of everclear every morning. also says he smokes for his anxiety but it actually just makes it worse. prefers regular cigarettes

simon fairchild: also drinks laudanum

natalie ennis: drinks one (1) glass of champagne every new year’s eve. calls all mind-altering substances “temptations from the mouth of the devil”

michael the stortion: never got the chance to do drugs before getting spiralized and now they don’t do anything to him so he’s super pissed off about it

sarah baldwin: likes fruity rum. smokes a lot of weed

daniel rawlings: smokes weed as well. makes sarah roll his joints for him

john amherst: refuses to exist within ten feet of people smoking anything. thinks penicillin is a mind-altering substance and is mildly scared of it. doesn’t bother with alcohol but would drink bong water if he knew what it was

callum brodie: has never drunk alcohol or done drugs due to being thirteen. has yet to grow out of his “smoking cigarettes is badass” phase

nikola orsinov: made of plastic and therefore can’t drink or do drugs but would be on acid literally constantly if she was able

helen the stortion: puts ketamine in her own drinks for flavor

jordan kennedy: went to liberal arts college and lived off of tequila and mdma for six months. has since stopped doing drugs altogether because his job involves driving and he doesn’t trust himself to do that while high but still holds alcohol like a monster

annabelle cane: drinks peach white claws and smokes her joints through a 1920s cigarette holder

karolina gorka: drinks stoli out of the bottle. too cool to do drugs but has eaten a weed brownie by accident before

jude perry: drinks fireball whiskey if she feels like being normal and unleaded gasoline if she doesn’t. canonically does coke but freaks out around needles

mike crew: doesn’t drink. forgoes weed in favor of doing coke in public bathrooms with jude. complains that adderall doesn’t do anything but he just has undiagnosed adhd

jan kilbride: doesn’t drink or do drugs anymore because astronauts aren’t supposed to but he did acid one time in college and it almost gave him an anxiety induced heart attack

eugene vanderstock: also does coke with jude but in a significantly less companionable manner. its more of a competition but nobody knows what they’re competing against each other for, least of all the two of them

manuela dominguez: will spit at you if you offer her anything but drinks a lot of wine and keeps a box of oxy in a drawer

hezekiah wakely: smokes opium

tova mchugh: somehow a facebook wine mom without having kids. outwardly condemns drugs of any kind in a very holier-than-thou way but has also done coke more than once

emma harvey: drinks vodka out of water bottles. rolls her own joints, puts just enough regular tobacco in them to mask the weed smell, and tells people they’re regular cigarettes

adelard dekker: has never done drugs in his life but is not morally opposed to the idea, he just doesn’t feel like it

[ot3-watch]

Episode 5: The Mile High Job

WHY IS THIS EPISODE 8

FUCK THE NETWORK I’M VERY TIRED

So we’re starting on a client testimony. Which is sad because I kind of like the context establishing scenes

Sophie being French is hilarious

I’m not saying Hardison shouldn’t be able to take off when he needs to. I am saying that MAYBE THEY SHOULD PLAN HEISTS FOR DAYS WHEN THEY ARE A MEMBER SHORT?

Also, why does Hardison not put his food on a plate before he puts it in the microwave. That spinning plate does not get washed nearly enough for that to be sanitary

OK wait did Hardison just flake out? THEN WHY DID THEY NOT POSTPONE?

THEY SHOULD HAVE PLANNED THIS MUCH BETTER

I love Parker being magic and teleporting

The security guards always seem like idiots and tbh, working where I work with the security guards being who they are, I feel like it’s all bullshit and a disservice to security guards.

I love the Doctor WHo references. TOM AND SARAH JANE BAKER YES MA’AM

But also did no one make a Doctor Who comment? Like really. I know Tom Baker is probably a common name but I really want to know what happens when they get a whovian checking their IDs

THe poor flight attendant. That sucks. Can you imagine getting a COMPLETELY fake call that your cat might be put down? I’m sorry, I can’t. Completely innocent people get screwed by them sometimes and I feel bad

Eliot remembers everyone he’s slept with I love him.

THIS POOR FLIGHT ATTENDANT? WHat happens when she comes back and everyone is side eyeing her and being bitchy?

I hate the trope of girlfriends or love interests being overly sensitive about people remembering tiny details. Especially when they aren’t actually together. Especially when it happened years ago. Especially when they hold it against them for the whole episode.

SOME PEOPLE HAVE TERRIBLE MEMORIES OK

Also, this is Nate. It’s a shock he has any brain cells left with how drunk he is 99% of the time. Get OVER yourself Sophie.

PLACE YOUR MASK OVER YOUR MOUTH AND NOSE ok Leverage predicting the future…

Parker being a terrible flight attendant is hilarious

Did I like her in this episode? I think I liked her in this episode

Eliot suffering through economy I can’t

I feel bad for the woman, but like… stop pushing? I know she’s nervous but the flight attendant is trying to do her job. I mean, it’s Parker, but in any normal situation…

Hardison pulls the same “You’re such a racist” bit every time he gets in a sticky situation, and it always works? Can you imagine if he tried to pull that on an actual racist?

Do planes have bars like that? I’ve been on plenty of planes and i’ve never seen a bar like that

Im never in first class though so whatever

OKAY GUYS THE IN-FLIGHT MOVIE IS ONE OF THE LIBRARIANS MOVIES

Which means noah wyle exists in the leverage universe.

HOW IS THAT GOING TO WORK WITH THE REBOOT THOUGH?

Unless they just… expected no one to notice? To be fair, it’s not like they focused on it

They probably just needed a movie they could use without securing rights first or running into copyright issues

But still… paradoxes

Eliot just going through a bunch of random people's bags…

HE AND PARKER MOVING AROUND EACH OTHER SO COMFORTABLY THOUGH

THIS IS SEASON ONE WHY ARE THEY SO GOOD TOGETHER ALREADY

I LOVE THEM GUYS

Parker. That’s not reassuring Parker. Parker that’s just terrifying. WHY WOULD YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT PARKER?? pARKER?? i’M CONCERNED PARKER!

I really hate Sophie getting mad at nate for this shit. It’s not funny. It’s not cute. It just makes Sophie seem unreasonable and bitchy

OK BUT Hardison and the woman bonding IMMEDIATELY over nerdy gaming is so great

Also i like that they made the other nerd a woman is great

OK but he is not talking nearly silently enough for the ONLY other person in the room to just stop listening to him?

Could you imagine the person you were talking to randomly stops talking, looks upset, and then sticks his head in the cabinet? And starts muttering to himself?

LIKE EITHER HE CAN’T TELL REALITY FROM FANTASY OR HES A SPY

WHY ARE YOU NOT SUSPICIOUS??

He really does pull this shit off really well.

The amount of men in that conference room is oppressive and very realistic ina very sad way

Parker must be in a thief’s paradise

OKAY I REMEMBER NOW AND I DID LIKE PARKER IN THIS EPISODE

“Nobody tells me anything”

THAT’S SUCH A MOOD

Literally the job I’m working in right now is exactly like that

My job is literally to know things and help people and provide them with the information they need

AND STILL I’M ONE OF THE LAST TO FIND THINGS OUT

IT’S VERY FRUSTRATING OK

WHy can I not remember why they’re going after genegrow? Someone died I think? But i cannot remember

“The guy in 1D wants to kill you. Ginger Ale?”

Why is it that all i can think about right now is harry styles and niall horan

I mean I KNOW why but like… why

I LOVE them but why?

WHAT IS THIS OFFICE WOMAN’S NAME I LOVE HER

How does no one question Hardison showing up out of nowhere though?

Im just saying… supposedly it’s “Dave’s” birthday, and they think they should have already known about it? He just started that job on that day?

Unless he’s pretending to have been there forever but even then…

This makes no sense? I’m so confused?

Eliot beating a guy up in an airport bathroom is fantastic

But also you can’t fit one person in a airport bathroom, let alone two

THe view from the top is much smaller than the shots from the side

Parker: the guy we just took out? Eliot: -_- Parker: The guy Eliot just took out?

Sophie always seems so shocked by the inhumanity of some of these people they interact with. Nate’s like “Yeah, people are awful” and Eliot’s like “I see worse all the time” and Parker’s like “Is this meant to be weird or something?” but Sophie’s like “WHAt? Someone wants people DEAD? And might KILL US IN THE PROCESS?”

Is the art theft world just not so violent?

Even hardison doesn’t seem shocked, just upset and offended. Sophie’s always like OoO though and it gets weird?

Now both Eliot AND Nate are fitting in the bathroom? With an already unconscious guy? I’VE BEEN IN AIRPLANE BATHROOMS. THEY AREN’T BIG ENOUGH FOR THAT.

Unless i’m just fat. Which is an option.

Why do people have random wires in their luggage? Who travels with a giant bundle of wires in their luggage?

Oh look. The red head was right. There is a tailwind

OK But THE OXYGEN MASKS CAME DOWN AND NO ONE IS TRYING TO PUT ONE ON?

I know they’re panicking but still

Nate really does just throw things at hardison and then Hardison goes like WHAT I CAN’T DO THIS and then he does it.

HOW is Hardison THAT talented it’s ridiculous

WE all talk about Eliot being hyper-competent in everything when Hardison is literally right there

Not to say that eliot doesn’t deserve attention because he does and I love him

I LOVE ELIOT OKAY

I’m just saying Hardison deserves more credit

HOW DID THEY NOT HIT ANY CARS WHEN THEY WERE LANDING? THERE ARE CARS RIGHT THERE? ANd then there’s suddenly no cars in font of them when they land ? It’s all deserted?

HARDISON IS SO GOOD THOUGH

How did they set up a party for “Dave” so quickly?

WHY DOES NO ONE LOOK TO SEE WHO DAVE WAS YELLING AT?

Everyone is so done with Hardison and honestly? Fair. He might’ve saved them, but he also screwed them over earlier. It came in handy, but still.

I really could not give less of a shit about the Nate Sophie storyline in this episode. In most of season one really. It’s all shitty and annoying

FINAL THOUGHTS: 8/10. Points off for people not acting like people. Points off for the shitty Sophie/Nate stuff. Extra points for Eliot being Eliot. (There will always be extra points for Eliot being Eliot). Extra points for Hardison’s badassery. Extra points because I liked Parker in this episode. Extra points for nerd girl. You go nerd girl. Points off because I literally remember nothing about this episode except for Hardison being awesome, the office scenes, and the fact that there was a plane crash. Why were they on the plane? No idea. Can’t remember.

Sam count: 3/5

IYS count: 2/5 (Am I remembering this wrong? I felt like there were more? Then again, I’m only 5 episodes in)

[transbibennyweir]

Hey so like I brain blasted a plot yesterday where like Ethan gets sent to the future (like in this Teen Titans episode where starfire gets sent to the future & it's revealed the team would fall apart without her) but it slowly builds up to reveal that adult!benny is like the big bad since he didn't have ethan as a moral compass/was grieving ethan. Like Sarah, erica, and rory actually do work together and stay together! And ethan thinks things are pretty great like even Jane is there being a p powerful mage and fucking shit up, but everyone dodges telling him where benny is and what happened until it shows benny is the one who took over the (supernatural) world

okay very obsessed with that idea esp cause i love teen titans! that ep is called “how long is forever?” (s2ep1) and i would throw in some ideas from danny phantom’s “the ultimate enemy” (s2ep8-9) that has dan aka evil grown up danny who took over the town. thinking about it and this is my idea for it the plot:

benny finds a new spell and wants to try it out and of course something goes wrong. instead of the spell working it sends ethan to the future because something something magic something something ethan’s powers + benny’s wrong spell triggers something magic sooo ethan gets sent to the future and sees the town isn’t at all how he remembers and it’s looking a little worse for ware so he goes looking for the others (benny seemingly missing from the group) everyone is shocked to see him not only as his young self but alive. everyone thought benny had killed him and they’re happy to find out he’s okay. at some point he asks what happened to the town and where benny is. everyone goes silent. it doesn’t take long for ethan to find out benny couldn’t really handle 1) thinking he killed his best friend and 2) can’t be left without the one person who kept him in moral check so it wasn’t long after ethan went missing in that timeline for benny to kind of lose it and basically goes into evil benny mode but worse. ethan finds benny to try stop him and so he could be sent back to fix the timeline. benny thinks he’s gone totally crazy and thinks ethan is some kind of trick and nearly kills him but after realizing that ethan is in fact real and that he didn’t kill him but instead was sent to the future he breaks down and agrees to send him back. right before ethan gets sent back he promises to fix everything and benny just tells him he knows he’ll fix everything because ethan always knows how fix one of benny’s mistakes but he also tells him he’s sorry for everything that he’s always been sorry. ethan gets sent back and everything is as it should be but now he realizes he should maybe keep a closer eye on benny......

[septiembrre]

I'm not mad for the three word prompts pls xx

“I’m not mad”, 3 word prompts

I couldn’t sleep last night and instead of writing the prompt that has an actual deadline and due in a few days, I decided to write this because @sothischickshe is so nice and keeps giving me internet kudos, and I wanted to answer their prompt. <3 This is kind of a weird, nonsensical conversation. I know I’m not selling it, but truly I wrote it at 3 in the morning. Also yes, there’s lot of endearments in this that haven’t yet been used this way in the show, don’t @ me. 

On Ao3, too. 

Set: One day in the future when Brio is an item. 

-

Beth had made a mistake. She had started the bread late, off schedule.

The meet with their new contact was pushed back from a blithe afternoon meet and greet at Rio’s bar to eight in the evening semi-dinner that wasn’t incredibly tense but not really the kind of thing you actually wanted to eat at. But, regardless of business woes, she was still committed to making walnut bread whether she liked it or not. The parent group for Emma, Jane, and Marcus’s soccer team organized a bake sale for the team. Despite the ever-present shadiness of upper-middle-class, overly prideful parents, she had happily committed herself to three loaves - one for each of the children. It could be worse. At least she was no longer at a stage where all of her babies were elementary school-aged, and running ragged trying to room mother and volunteer at games.

Successful as the day was with their new connects, her whole bread-making schedule had been thrown off. By the time they had gotten home it was after eleven and she just had time to start the bulky second prove before she collapsed in exhaustion from the long day. Rio had tugged her zombie-like to bed.

But that was then and this was - now. Her over-disciplined mind had woken her up at an hour that still qualified as the middle of the night to shape the bread. Beth tried to undergo the mental gymnastics of which floorboards to avoid, to make it all the way to the kitchen without stirring Rio, but damn if she was still tired. He who must not be disturbed was snoring softly at her shoulder. Beth could already hear him, but she would just take it slow. She started first with one arm, and then the next. Limb by limb she freed herself from his all too enticing warmth and peeled away the blankets.

Slowly, she shifted her weight out of the bed, as a hand emerged out from under the piles of blankets to snag her own wrist.

Fuck. She moved two feet and she already got caught.

“Where you goin’?” Rio says it slow, rolling like molasses through his exhaustion and the fog of sleep. Rio always collapses into slumber, chronically under-rested. He took the luxury of rest where he could. It meant he slept heavy and he was always fussy to be interrupted. Beth leans back into the bed and kisses his temple, then his cheekbone.

She leans into his ear to whisper, “I need to go check on the dough.”

Beth strokes the scrunch of his brow, kisses the bridge if his nose. She’s pulling out all the stops.

“Go back to sleep, baby.”

He groans. The sound is loud in the darkness of their bedroom. Beth loves it, she loves him sleepy but holds her ground.

There’s a short pause, as she continues to stroke his temple. She’s hoping he decides to go back to sleep, he’s waiting for her to get back into their bed. For a moment, it’s a stalemate. Then, he gives.

Another groan - a purely theatrical protest, he certainly could answer a work text at any hour of the night.  He runs his hands over his face trying to clear the sleep and then continues to make his little show by lumbering out of bed as if this asshole ever had an ungraceful day in his life. “I’m goin’ wit you.”

She huffs. “I’m fine.”

“Nah, you want to do this now. So we’re gonna do it.”

“Go back to bed.” Beth sternly whispers, trying to keep her voice down. For who she isn’t sure. They’re alone, the kids at their respective parents for the week. Maybe she does it to maintain the decency of the hour.

“You go back to bed.”

His fingers reach out to her, curling under the top of her pajamas, and pulling her closer towards the mattress. Rio’s hands are warm and big against the softness of her skin there. She considers relenting, inviting his body to curl back around her, knows she could probably get an orgasm out of this. But, the children!

“Let’s just buy it tomorrow.”

A year ago she would have scoffed, offended. Now she just rolls her eyes at him the dark. Maybe he can’t quite see but she knows that he knows.

She catches his hands. Slaps him on the wrist.

“If you’re coming with me you have to behave.”

“No.”

“Christopher.”

“Fuck. You sound like my middle school math teacher, Mrs. Ramos-“

“Or like your mother.”

“Or like a really mean librarian. Mrs. Castillo-“

“Oh my god. Let’s go.”

-

Rio collapses on a chair at the island, blearily keeping an eye on her. Beth turns on one of the lights in the kitchen. Halfway through her checking unearthing the proved dough, he starts playing Animal Crossing on his phone. She recognizes the app jingle.

“The kids play that.”

“E’rybody plays it.”

“I mean kids do.”

“Sweetheart, it was on the GameCube in ‘01.”

Beth scrunches her face at him. It’s an ungodly hour, he’s pouting like her youngest, who is for the record an eight-year-old who plays Animal Crossing, and watering his fucking crops or fishing or whatever. She lets herself digress because certainly, she wouldn’t be the first to indulge in childish behavior. Also, the fucking GameCube? This guy. “How old are you again?”

“Four years younger than you.” This is a pattern they’ve fallen into, a refrain. The other day he finally showed her his license but then she reminded him, it could be fake for all she knew.

“No one our age played the GameCube.”

“Your age maybe. My age they did.”

Fuck him.  She glowers.

“What, your old hubby never played Galaga? Or whatever the fuck boorish white dudes played in the 90s? Bet he was a Tetris guy.”

“First of all, Tetris is fine. I’ve seen you play Tetris! And white people play Animal Crossing.” She ends a touch snidely.

“Yeah. Like I said, everybody plays it. Nintendo is the shit.”

She would know. All of her children, and her pseudo-eldest, Annie, cannot remove themselves from whatever the Nintendo calls itself these days. All of Annie’s social media updates have been about her virtual island. And then Ruby had started using Sarah’s console, and joined Annie there - on that island. They took kind-of cute cartoon pictures wearing matching hot pink outfits with what they adamantly claimed was “juice” but was definitely a daiquiri. Beth was just feeling a little left out is all.  

“I thought you said you didn’t like the phone game.”

“It’s not good like the Switch, but it’s a fix.”

“Uh huh.”

“Besides your sister is blowin’ shit way the fuck out of proportion on New Horizons. I already visited her damn tacky island three times this week. She bought a fuckin’ port-a-potty and put it in her house. It’s fuckin’ weird. She kept insisting we take screenshots by it-“

Beth stops listening, distracted as an image of a cartoon Rio drinking mimosas with Annie and Ruby on stylized furniture flashes in her mind's eye.

“Don’t pout, darlin’.”

She scoffs and then her lips purse a little more.

“It ain’t becoming’.”

The bowl she’s working with clatters a bit as her movements become more vigorous.

“Did you just tell me to ‘smile’ at four-thirty in the morning?”

He opens his mouth as if to answer her, shuts it, and pointedly continues tapping on his phone. After a minute he lowers the volume. All that can be heard is the jingle playing softly.

She continues shaping the bread. Rio migrates over to the living room and Beth hears him collapse on the couch. She stores the bread, tucking it back into it’s proving spot, and sets the timer so she can wake up and bake the dough later in the morning.

“Elizabeth.” It’s not lush, weighty like he usually says it. He lets sleep curl around it and soften the syllables. She comes to perch against the open entrance of the living room. Rio’s pulled a blanket down with him on the couch and is being purposefully charming. It works but god is it annoying.

“Sweetheart, c’mere.”

She stares at him.

“Don’t be that way.”

Beth lofts her head. “I’m not mad.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Let’s go to bed.”

“C’mere, please.”

He lifts the blanket. She glimpses his hoodie-clad body underneath and she knows the toasty warmth of his body and she knows she’s mad for no reason, so she tries to get over it, and goes to lie with him on the couch.

They wrap themselves around each other. He kisses her forehead. “You just feel old because it’s five in the mornin’ and that makes everyone feel like shit.” He dips down to kiss the grooves under her eyes. “You interrupted our beauty sleep.”

His kisses travel the frame of her face and then he continues.

“Also, your girlfriends and I aren’t going to decide we all like each other better and un-invite you to the party.” He pecks her lips. “Besides your sister’s a freak and there’s no way she’s replacin’ you as my best friend. No way anyone is replacin’ you.”

“Not even Mick?”

She notices that he makes an uncommitted noise, but allows herself to melt further into their embrace, kisses his shoulder. She lets herself be soft.

“I love you.”

His hands dip lower to the swell of her ass. She can tell he’s eyeing the way her boobs swell up pressed against his chest.

“Yeah, darlin’?”

“Either say you love me back or go to sleep, Christopher.”

He chuckles and whispers a quick I-love-you into the shell of her ear and then a nip, “How much time we got before you check the bread again?”

Now she’s laughing. Fuck it. They’re up anyway. She kisses him, dips down to suck a mark into one of the wings at his neck.

“Plenty of time.”

[alicedoessurveys]

Doctor Who Tag

yes im a nerd...

CHILDHOOD

1. Did you like DW as a child?

I was 10 when it came back on telly with Eccleston and the first episode with the autons scared me so much my mom wouldn't let me watch it again until a couple years later, but yeah my teens I was obsessed with DW... still am at age 25

2. Your age at the time of the revival?

10

3. First DW episode you ever saw?

‘Rose’

4. Did you have any of the toys?

I still have the eleventh doctor’s screwdriver... I used to have some of the figures but there in storage now somewhere

5. Which DW character did you play on the playground?

didn't play it on the playground

6. Monster(s) that scared you most as a child?

all of them! the ones that still scare me now are the Cybermen and the Autons... genuinely cant walk past a shop mannequin without being suspicious 

7. Joke/story you didn’t get as a kid?

as a kid, any of the innuendo type jokes

8. DW opinion that has changed since you were a kid?

idk I think I still have the same opinions

9. Who introduced you to DW?

parents

10. Did you like Sarah Jane Adventures as a child?

I LOVED SJA!! I miss that show, and Elizabeth Slade :(

DOCTOR

11. Who is your Doctor?

Ten was the doctor that made me fall in love with Doctor Who 

12. Your favourite Doctor?

omg why not just ask me who my favourite child is... (I don't have kids but you know what I mean) if I had to chose my top three are ten, eleven and thirteen

13. Least favourite Doctor?

purely just because he doesn't have enough episodes... nine...

14. Best regeneration?

none of them I hate regenerations :( they make me sad, im too emotionally invested in every single one

15. Do you like “Doctor-Lite” episodes?

they're not my faves

16. Who is the most human Doctor?

I think nine maybe? or twelve?

17. Best multi-Doctor story?

the 50th anniversary special 

18. Best Doctor monologue?

“Hello Stonehenge! who takes the pandorica, takes the universe. but bad news everyone, cause guess who? HA! You lot you're all whizzing about- its really very distracting. Could you all just stay still a minute because I AM TALKING. Question of the hour is, who's got the pandorica? Answer, I do. Next question, who's coming to take it from me? Come on, look at me! No plan. No backup. No weapons worth a damn. oh and something else, I don't have anything to lose. So, if you're sitting up there in your silly little spaceship with all your silly little guns and you've got any plans on taking the pandorica tonight... just remember who's standing in your way. remember ever black day I ever stopped you and then- AND THEN- do the smart thing... let somebody else try first.”

not copied and pasted, remember that from the top of my head... its always there waiting in my mind incase I ever need an epic monologue :’)

19, What do you think TenToo/MetaCrisis Doctor is doing now?

hopefully living his best life with Rose

20. Best Doctor/companion pairing?

ten and donna 

COMPANIONS

21. Favourite companion?

Donna, Clara, Amy

22. Favourite secondary companion?

is Mickey classed as secondary? idk

23. Least favourite companion?

Ryan

24. Best TARDIS Team?

Doctor, Amy and Rory

25. Most underrated companion?

Graham, but that may just be cause I love Bradders

26. Most overrated companion?

Rose... I like her but idk, I think she gets more hype than she deserves.. don't @ me

27. Favourite companion’s family?

Rose’s mom

28. Who should have been a companion but wasn’t?

idk I cant think of anyone

29. Favourite (canon or non-canon) DW universe relationship?

Amy and Rory

30. Who did you not used to like, but really like now?

wasn't keen on Bill at first but by the end I really liked her, same with Rory

EPISODES

31. Favourite episode ever?

girl in the fireplace

32. Least favourite episode?

most of Chibnall’s episodes tbh sorry not sorry 

33. Which episodes do you skip?

the regeneration episodes

34. Best two-parter?

Human Nature - Family of Blood

35. Historical, present day or futuristic episodes?

I like them all in there own way but I think present is fave, then historical, then future

36. Episode that will always make you smile?

all of them

37. Episode that will always make you cry?

Rory and Amy’s last episode :’(

38. Best run of episodes?

ugh I cant answer this theres too many 

39. Best cliffhanger?

the end of Spyfall part one when the Master reveals who he is... I was SHOOK

40. Favourite Christmas special?

Voyage of the Damned

SERIES

41. Classic Who or New Who?

new who

42. Favourite series?

four or five

43. Least favourite series?

eleven, I just cant with the writing

44. Which series do you skip?

none

45. Favourite series opening?

eleventh hour

46. Favourite series finale?

Doomsday

47. Best series arc?

Bad Wolf

48. Thoughts on series 11/12?

I adore Jodie Whittaker and her doctor, and although I think 3 companions is too many I do love Yaz and Graham (Ryan is hit & miss). I just think theyve been massively let down by the stories/writing... they’ve tried to hard to tick certain boxes and completely missed what Doctor Who is about for a lot of people.. an escape from the real world into these outrageous unbelievable but lovable fun alien adventures 

49. How much of Classic Who have you seen?

not a lot

50. Who should have had another series?

NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE 

MONSTERS

51. Favourite monster/villain?

the master 

52. Most creative monster?

Weeping Angels, whoever came up with monsters that look like statues and only move when you're not looking at them is genius 

53. Monster(s) that scares you most?

Autons, Cybermen, the creepy dolls from Night Terrors, the ones from Waters of Mars, Weeping Angels

54. Monster you think is too easy to defeat?

idk

55. Least favourite monster/villain?

absorbaloff

56. Monster you want to return?

The Master, I really hope that isn't the last we see of Dhawan

57. In your opinion, what makes a monster good?

being genuinely scary, 

58. Daleks, Cybermen or Weeping Angels?

Weeping Angels

59. Best Dalek story?

Daleks in Manhatten

60. Best one time villain/monster?

my brain has gone blank I cant think of an answer right now 

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

61. Torchwood or Sarah Jane Adventures?

SJA

62. Favourite Torchwood Team member?

I haven't watched it all so I couldn't say 

63. Which Torchwood death made you saddest?

again, not watched it all 

64. Do you rewatch COE or MD?

huh

65. Favourite SJA Team member?

Sarah Jane

66. Mr Smith or K-9?

K-9

67. Maria or Rani?

Rani

68. Do you read the comics/novels or listen to Big Finish?

Nope

69. If you do, your favourite additional stories?

n/a

70. Do you like DW analysis (video essays, fan theories, etc)?

yes

DESIGN/PRODUCTION

71. Favourite piece of alien tech?

the sonic, I love how it is so multipurpose except for when it comes to wood 

72. Favourite piece of Murray Gold music?

I am the Doctor - gets me pumped every time 

73. Favourite TARDIS design?

Ten’s Tardis 

74. Has the 2005 era CGI aged well?

actually yeah, I was rewatching the ‘are you my mummy’ episodes the other day and my God when the gas masks emerged from the faces... ooooooof I was like omg how 

75. Favourite Doctor outfit?

eleven or thirteen

76. Monster with the best design?

not really a design more of a costume.. I live Dhawan master’s costume. that shade of purple, oof he so stylish 

77. Best show runner?

idk

78. Best writer?

Gatiss

79. Best opening titles?

eleven’s titles where the Tardis is flying and being zapped is cool but thirteens music hits different 

80. Will DW age well/stay popular in the future?

I hope so, I feel like its lasted this long surely it can last forever.. if the writers don't fuck it up... 

IF YOU WERE IN THE SHOW

81. Time period you’d want to go with the Doctor?

whatever time means Id get to wear the most beautiful costumes

82. Planet/place you’d want to go with the Doctor?

Galifrey, pre-desctruction

83. Doctor you’d most like to travel with?

any of them, please and thank you

84. Companion you’d most like to travel with?

donna, sceso a good laugh but also I feel like she’d look after me 

85. Monster you’d like to defeat/fight?

The Master 

86. If you could go back on your own history (like Father’s Day), where would you go?

back to when I was a toddler, I wanna see what I was like 

87. If you could ask the Doctor anything, what would you ask?

theres too many to ask 

88. Historical figure you’d like to meet?

Shakespeare

89. How do you think you’d meet the Doctor?

id probably be rescued from doing something stupid and then the doc would be like you know what the bitch clearly needs supervision she's coming with me 

90. Would you travel forwards or backwards in time first?

backwards

IF YOU MADE THE SHOW

91. Historical event would you like to see in DW?

Hamilton

92. Issue you’d like to see addressed in DW?

idk 

93. Who would you completely erase from the DW universe?

Ruth

94. One unanswered DW question you’d love to know the answer to?

where is Clara now?

95. Actor/actress you’d like to see play the Doctor?

Phoebe Waller Bridge (or Lin Manuel Miranda)

96. Actor/actress you’d like to see play a companion?

Andrew Scott (yes I did just basically recast fleabag and hot priest)

97. Is DW “too political”?

series 11 got a bit like that 

98. Which characters fate would you changed?

Danny Pink

99. What about DW could be improved?

I think ive made my options about Chibnall pretty clear... 

100. If you could write an episode of DW, any ideas for what you’d do

bring back Jenny, the Doctor / Daughter adventures they would have. I’m actually writing a fic about it if you wanna read.... here

[sleepingfancies]

We Need to Talk About SJM

I was recently anonymously asked what exactly my issue with Sarah Jane Maas is, and ended up writing what was essentially a thesis paper about it. Unfortunately, Tumblr pulled a Shitty Website move and deleted everything I wrote under the ‘read more’ tab, so I’m compiling my reasons here on a masterpost, for your reading leisure.

EDIT: Read more tab continues to not work for me, so I apologize to all of you who have to suffer through this. I’ll tag is as a long post accordingly.

Let’s get started

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Reason 1: She preaches messages that no young girl needs to (or should) hear.

Granted, I know the a lot of the YA genre are adults who are no strangers to smut and aren’t phased by toxic behavior in characters. But on the same token, a lot of the YA genre is fueled by young girls age 12-20. Now I’m not going to sit here and pretend like girls in that age range aren’t reading/writing smutty fanfiction or dating. I know they do, I did, most of my friends did. But at that age, young girls are still trying to figure out who they are and who they want to be, including in terms of relationships. That’s where my problem with Maas comes in.

Maas writes, almost exclusively, toxic relationships - at best. Straight up abusive at worst. At one point in ACOTAR, I had to put the book down because I was so disgusted by what happened. Rhysand assaulted Feyre. I’m not kidding. He kissed and groped her against her will, telepathically asked whether she was wet about it, and wondered aloud what she looked like naked. The entire goal of doing this was to piss Feyre’s then-boyfriend off, and for Rhysand to assert his dominance as a Fae lord or whatever the fuck (y’know, like rapists do). Feyre was left shaking, nauseated, and scared for her life. But the worst part? It was written like this was something sexy and desirable. Literal penetration was all that stopped this from being a horrifying rape scene, and I couldn’t believe Maas wrote about it like some hot erotica. It wasn’t romantic. It wasn’t cute. It was disgusting, violating, and I was furious when I read it (especially given Feyre actually ends up with Rhysand eventually. What the fuck).

In Throne of Glass - and subsequent sequels - there are couples (namely Rowan and Aelin) who quite literally spit on each other, punch each other, and bite each other. No, not “love nip” bite, I mean “I’m trying to tear your skin off” bite. But we’re meant to believe they’re endgame, meant to be, and a totally healthy relationship. Let’s not even get into emotional abuse and manipulation, because holy fuck does every single character in these books act like a goddamn villain if we were to go over that in detail. All you need to know is that “if you don’t do xyz then I’ll leave and never come back” “what made you think I cared about you? You’re nothing to me. Just kidding, I love you” and similar sentiments are rampant in these series.

While we’re here, what is up with this “mates” nonsense? Every character pairing we see by the end of the ToG series has a “mate,” and swears off everyone they’ve had before, claiming them to be “false mates.” This whole “mates” business sounds a lot like somebody desperately trying to reassure their insanely jealous partner that they don’t still have feelings for their ex. That’s not healthy! That’s not okay! Your exes helped you narrow down your search. They helped you understand yourself more and what you want (or don’t want). And y’know what? It’s okay to have happy memories with an ex. It’s okay to not hate your ex. Telling young girls that all that matters is their future husband (which erases LGBT+ girls, as well as straight women who don’t want to get married) is harmful as hell, and contributes to the idea that a girl is only “complete” when she finds her “soulmate.”

Girls 12-20 really do not need to be given the message that it’s normal - nay, romantic - for their partners to hit them, humiliate them, or assault them. You may be saying, “Clara, come on, girls know fiction isn’t reality and no girl is actually going to stand for that kind of thing in real life.” But I can’t tell you how horribly my own view of relationships was corrupted for several years after all the books I read as a tween where the protagonist had to defend her flirty boyfriend from the advances of other girls. I didn’t trust boys not to cheat on me. I didn’t trust my girl friends not to try and steal a boyfriend. I thought girls who dressed up and wore makeup and dated a lot were sluts. It took me years of conscious effort to unlearn those ideas. Fiction can and does influence the reader. So again I say: teaching girls that it’s “hot and sexy” when men literally abuse you is not a message a 12-20 year old should be hearing. Ever.

                                                     ***************

Reason 2: What exactly does Maas want her readers to be?

Y’know, Maas thinks Caelena/Aelin is a role model for young girls. But here’s a brief list of things Celery/Alien has done throughout the Throne of Glass series:

1. Tried to smash a flower pot over a girl’s head for showing interest in courting Prince Dorian. Despite said girl literally being present at the castle for that purpose and Caelena was not.

2. Very nearly murdered Dorian for absolutely fuckall reason, and then she got mad at Chaol for trying to stop her (keep in mind: Chaol and Dorian are supposed to be best friends. So like... yeah, he’s gonna come to Dorian’s defense).

3. Straight up said, “if I get bored being queen I’ll just go and conquer more lands for my kingdom.” Imperialist there much, Aelin?

This is Maas’ role model material? Half the shit she does from Heir of Fire onward could be described as “war crime” and the other half could be described as “selfish.” Maas seems to think that a shit ton of half-baked “witty” lines and a few “badass” fight scenes completely makes up for having an amoral character as the protagonist you want to flaunt around as an icon for young girls.

It would be one thing if Maas said, “I don’t want anyone to be like Celery/Alien. She’s not a good person and I want my readers to be able to identify how and why she isn’t a good person. The moral is what not to be like.” But she does the opposite and claims time and time again that Celery/Alien is some kind of feminist warrior, when in fact Celery/Alien is the very epitome of white feminism and false feminism. She’ll be all kinds of gung-ho for herself, but as soon as another woman mentions her own unique problems or lifestyles, Celery/Alien thinks she’s a “whiny bitch,” “dumb slut,” or something similar. Celery/Alien ends up looking down her nose at basically every other female character. The lack of female friendships in Maas’ books is frankly astounding.

No girl needs to be Celery/Alien. Celery/Alien is not a role model, she is not a feminist, she is not a figurehead of a well developed female character or even a compelling antihero. She’s sexist, she’s misogynistic, she has serious anger issues, she’s manipulative, she’s abusive. This is not who young girls should be looking up to.

                                                       ************

Reason 3: Maas has no place in the YA genre.

I’m not really sure I need to elaborate much on this. Let me give you a scenario:

Imagine you’re at a book signing for your fans. They’re mostly girls 15-20, so you kind of just sign their copies without thinking much about it. But then a smaller girl comes up to the table, you ask her age, and she says “I’m ten.” A 10 year old girl is standing in front of you, clutching her copy of your book where you wrote and published the scene, “he buried in to the hilt and roared. Over and over he spilled inside of her, the lightning outside flashing soft and lovely long after he stilled.”

Look me in the eye and tell me that shit is appropriate in the YA genre. At all. Ever.

You wanna write romance? Go for it. It can be cute! It can be healthy! It can be intriguing! But this? This? This is just... erotica. If you’re publishing stuff like this in the YA genre, in a book that isn’t even on the ‘tween/teen romance’ shelves, then you better be ready to take full responsibility for teaching 10 year olds what a blowjob is, what an orgasm is, what BDSM is, what a fucking foot fetish is.

I know JK Rowling isn’t the most popular right now, but even she did better than this. The first 3 Harry Potter books you can generally find on the children’s/middle grade shelves. They were cute, fun little adventures about wizards and magic and fantastic creatures. Books 4-7? Those are on the YA shelves. People are dying, magic is dangerous, fascist organizations are on the rise -- it isn’t fun for Harry anymore. It isn’t about the wonders of magic. It’s about life or death, war, and fear. So yeah, of course those book aren’t going to be on the children’s/middle grade shelves! They’re dark! They’re scary! That kind of material shouldn’t be advertised as appropriate for younger kids!

Maas never extended that courtesy. Maas took her books full of badly written erotica and plopped them down right where all the rest of the completely tame YA books went, because she wanted the sales. She didn’t care if she was exposing kids who were too young to explicit sex scenes. She never posted a disclaimer, she never posted any kind of warning on social media when the books came out. Nope. She just silently took advantage of the market knowing she’d get more sales in YA. But it has no place in YA. It’s not YA. And I don’t think I’m ever gonna be okay with that.

                                                          ***********

Reason 4: Diversity? Never heard of it!

Maas’ books are so incredibly white and straight that it’s painful. Rowan and Aelin? White and straight. Feyre? Rhysand? Chaol? Dorian? Manon? Hey, you guessed it! They’re all white and straight (despite Chaol, Dorian, and Manon being heavily LGBT+ coded for like, the entire series till the last book)!

“He looked at his friend, perhaps for the last time, and said what he had always known, from the moment they met, ‘I love you.’” (Queen of Shadows)

Hello? Sarah Jane? I’m all for male friendships, but there’s male friendships and then there’s actual romance. Chaol and Dorian are about as gay-coded as they could fucking get. And this isn’t even the only time this happens! Check this out:

“Dorian surged from his chair and dropped to his knees beside the bed. He grabbed Chaol’s hand, squeezing it as he pressed his brow against his. ‘You were dead,’ the prince said, his voice breaking. ‘I thought you were dead.’” (Queen of Shadows)

But wait, there’s more!

“‘I’m not leaving you. Not again.’

Dorian’s mouth tightened. ‘You didn’t leave, Chaol.’ He shook his head once, sending tears slipping down his cheeks. ‘You never left me.’” (Queen of Shadows)

I mean come on, Sarah!

Also, Manon. My girl Manon hated men, pretty explicitly, for the entire series. In case you don’t believe me:

“There were few sounds Manon enjoyed more than the groans of dying men.” (Heir of Fire)

Oh, and other characters even imply Manon has never had a heterosexual relationship in her fucking life. See:

“‘That golden-haired witch, Asterin...’ Aelin said. ‘She screamed Manon’s name the way I screamed yours. How can I take away somebody who means the world to someone else? Even if she is my enemy.’” (Queen of Shadows)

Tell me that’s not gay as fuck. I dare you.

Manon had a whole lot of love to give women! She was always affectionate towards other women. Particularly Elide. This is a woman who was about as lesbian as you could get. Had no interest in men, every interest in women, rejected typically expected roles for women (getting married and having kids, etc.) but guess what happened? Guess what fucking happened?

This warrior who was friends with and rode on a big fuckoff wyvern completely and totally submits to Dorian as her lover. I don’t mean that metaphorically. They literally do some BDSM shit where he’s her “master” and she “kneels to him” or whatever the fucking fuck. This entire thing pissed me off more than Chaol and Dorian being all “no homo bro,” because Maas used every possible symbol and subtext for Manon being gay, and then said “just kidding!” Her relationship with Dorian came out of nowhere. All of a sudden she was just as thirsty for mediocre dick as Aelin.

At this point I honestly have to wonder if Maas is really this ignorant or if she’s - dare I say it? - taunting her readers who have complained about the lack of LGBT+ representation. Maas has, historically, not reacted well to people criticizing her work. I would not put it beyond her at all to intentionally queer-code characters only to turn around and rip the rug out from under her readers by pairing them up in heterosexual relationships. And not only is that shitty writing, but it’s... really malicious and rude.

Of course then there’s the issues with racial representation. Again, Maas doesn’t even try. She includes 13 characters of color only to immediately kill off all of them in a suicide pact. So there’s that. Not sure I need to say more than that.

Maas knows what diversity is, but as per her famous quote, “I just don’t want to force diversity into my books.” So. Y’know. Writing a black or gay character (or!! God forbid, both black and gay!!) is asking a little too much of her, apparently. She doesn’t want to force anything as unbelievable as someone who isn’t white or straight, don’tcha know? In these books about fae people and dragons and gods fighting mortals and explicit erotica, an LGBT+ character or a character of color is high fantasy, not YA. *Sarcasm*

                                                        ************

Reason 5: The woman can’t write.

This is pretty straightforward. She cannot write. My proof? She plagiarizes the living fuck out of everything she can to avoid actually writing her own original work.

1. “You’re gonna rattle the stars.” - from Disney’s Treasure Planet

2. “The Queen Who Was Promised” - from GRRM’s ASOIAF, where Dany Targaryen is often toted as the exact same thing. Oh, and The Prince Who Was Promised prophecy in ASOIAF also mentions Azor Ahai being “the Heir of Fire” so, uh.... yeah.

3. Aelin basically being Aragorn. Lost royalty spends years as an outcast, denies their claim, teams up with elves (fae in Aelin’s case) to defeat a greater evil, becomes known as the people’s champion, falls in love with an elf (fae) and makes them their consort, crowned by the people, ends their coronation scene with a “you bow to no one” (I’m not kidding).

4. Nehemia dying for Aelin and it later being revealed that Nehemia was “grooming” Aelin to face great evil, and potentially give her life to stop it. How much you wanna bet Maas tried to give Aelin a name as close to “Harry Potter” as she could get?

5. Manon lighting a series of beacons across a mountain range to call for aid during war. I mean seriously? This is one of the most iconic scenes in Peter Jackson’s rendition of Lord of the Rings. It’s moving, it’s powerful, it’s awe-inspiring. And Maas knew it. So she just... took it. I don’t have a lot of respect for writers who can’t write their own moving scenes.

6. Kingsflame blossoms, which only bloom when the rightful monarch is on the throne. So... the White Tree of Gondor. Got it.

7. The Hand of the King being a royal court position. Like... jesus. GRRM, come get ya world-building, SJ stole it again.

8. A paralyzed Chaol has a specialized saddle made for him, because he wants more than anything to ride a horse again. GRRM! Please! She’s taking Bran Stark’s story now!

And besides all of these horribly plagiarized points, there’s nothing even slightly compelling about these books. There’s literally zero substance, and the last few books in both the ACOTAR and ToG series have been nothing but a smut-fest. Plot who? We don’t know her.

Trauma, both physical and mental, is erased at the drop of a dime (Aelin lost physical scars, Chaol’s paralysis was basically cured, series of events that should’ve left characters absolutely fucked just... didn’t phase them). The battles are rushed and sloppily written, and Maas has a particularly nasty habit of focusing on exactly the wrong people in the middle of what should be an action packed scene. Instead of showing alliances forging and plots being made behind people’s backs, instead of showing us people gearing up for battle by saying tearful goodbyes to their infants and spouses, Maas shows us Rowan and Aelin banging on a beach, or a tree, or a ship, or wherever the fuck they happen to be at that moment.

None of these characters lose jack shit. There is no sense of urgency or stakes, because we knew since Heir of Fire that Aelin and her precious uwu fae “mate” would be just fine. Why? Because nobody shipped Rowaelin as hard as Sarah Jane Maas did. Consistently the only people who suffer in these books are background characters (who, coincidentally, are almost always the characters of color and LGBT+ characters). By the end of Kingdom of Ash, literally everyone is fine. And paired off to be married, too! Because a happy ending isn’t a true happy ending if it doesn’t end with Babies Ever After and everyone in a heterosexual relationship, of course, right?

                                                        ***********

Reason 6: World-building doesn’t even go here! Sorry, she just wanted to be a part of something.

Maas’ world-building is... how do you say... shitty. New lore pops up in every book, having never been mentioned before, and is for some reason of utmost importance (but only for this book. It’ll be forgotten again as soon as it isn’t relevant). Religions who? Culture where? History what? None of these things exist in Maas’ world. None.

Now before anyone jumps down my throat with “but The World of Throne of Glass is coming out this year!!!1!1!!” let me gently establish something. Speaking as a fantasy author: if you do not have your most basic world-building - that being religion, culture, language, and history - already established, then you have no business making a “world of” book to cover all the bases your ass never bothered with in the original series.

I said what I said.

Tolkien and GRRM are masters of world-building because they spent decades working to forge their worlds before they ever put a pen to paper and wrote their stories. Not to toot my own horn, but my own fantasy series has been developing for almost 7 years now. What am I doing with it? I’m outlining governments in different societies, why people came to worship what they do, and I’m making a fucking world map on my bedroom floor (that now has cat paw prints on it, so it’s not exactly final product material anyway).

I give not a single hoot for Maas’ “The World of Throne of Glass.” She could be saying anything she wanted to and it would all just have to be canon, because she’s establishing what this world is after already finishing her series. Yes, it does piss me off, because it’s pretty obvious she didn’t have a clue what her world was, or who was who, or why things were the way they were. She made shit up as she went along, nothing more. There was no grand scheme. There was no planning, and it shows.

                                                       ***********

TL;DR: I have a lot of issues with Sarah J Maas’ writing, including her world-building and handling of diversity. But most of all I despise the potential impact she has on the YA genre and on the young girls reading her work. They deserve better than this. They deserve better than Sarah Jane Maas.

[a-cup-of-kencoco]

My lovely, darling @crystal8325 tagged me in this fun little thing (and I’m finally doing it, I’m so sorry that this took so long) where I have to write 10 facts about myself and then tag 10 people that I’d like to get to know better. I honestly had to write this one out and contemplate SO MUCH, I apologize for taking so super long to make this. So! Let’s hop to it! (BTW, @crystal8325, I absolutely loved your post - you’re such a wonderful person and I’d love to strengthen our friendship. This also goes for everyone else that I’m tagging, I love you guys!) I decided to just list off some fun things, so I hope that all y’all like it!

1. I love hot drinks - specifically tea and coffee. My favourite tea would be peppermint and I take my coffee black. It’s what gets me up in the morning and calms me down after a long day. To go along with this, I like to collect mugs! I have quite a lot and they’re very weird/kooky. The weirder it is, the better.

2. Major depressive disorder up in this bitch, though it’s looking up. I was hospitalized last June (Which was a rather traumatic experience, but I like to view this as a learning experience. Eventually, I’d like to write about this since I kept my hospital journal, but it will take a lot of time and energy to do that lol) and put on medication - which has honestly helped me so much and saved my life. While I’ve dealt with this disorder for quite some time, this has been the first where I was actually taken seriously and forced myself to take steps to heal myself. I couldn’t have done it without my best friends, who I don’t think really know just how much they mean to me and how they have impacted my life so much. I love them so much and I honestly don’t think that I could ever put into words how thankful I am to have crossed paths with them in this life.

3. I absolutely adore cats. I just love them so much, probs more than anything they’re just so cute and soft! I have three cat babies and they are my cHiLDreN, mY SWeET sUmmER ChiLDreN tHaT I WoUld dIE FoR. Their names are Sarah Jane, Lenore, and Amai! I have plans to adopt more cats because three is not enough and I just want to be the embodiment of a stereotypical crazy cat lady. So like, Nyah, bitch.

4. I was a film student for two years! Well, more like one and a half (and then a half year of fine arts). I have always been fascinated by film - still am, but the institution that I was at was complete SHITE and did not offer what I really wanted to study, which was screenwriting. So! Now I’m applying to another school and plan on studying creative writing. Aside from film writing, I also enjoy writing poems, memoirs, and short stories. I still value the time I spent at my previous school and I met some super awesome film professors, but that place was just awful and I needed to get out. I’d like to get back into film in the future and have plans for several possible television shows/films.

5. I’m scared of horses - a rather weird fact, but hear me out. My grandmother (who lives in rural Indiana, if that tells you anything) has been a horse owner/caretaker for as long as I can remember. I used to be ok with them and would actually help her out in the barn! Plus, I could explore/get into shit, because I love doing that lmao. However, she usually had horses that were complete assholes and I had several awful experiences with nearly all of them. I fell off of one, was bit on the back of the neck by another, pushed over and nearly trampled, etc. Princess (a horse that was born on the property and delivered by my grandma) was the dickhead that caused the most trauma injury. She would constantly bite, step on you, literally chase you and try to run you over. She was a fucking bitch. So, after dealing with that for a large chunk of my childhood, I am now forever uncomfortable when in the presence of a horse.

6. I love rain/thunderstorms or windy weather (bonus if they’re combined) and the night is my favourite time of day.

7. I’m a rather morbid person?? Or more like I am fascinated/have a deep love for dark/scary/morbid things. I love horror, psychological thrillers, serial killers, murder mysteries - anything gruesome, disturbing, macabre, creepy, or spooky in real life or fiction. I just love that kind of stuff - it just fascinates me and I can’t get enough of it. (Please don’t think I’m a murderer, I just find the darker parts of humanity incredibly intriguing. I swear that I’m a really nice person, I just like weird things)

8. I believe in ghosts! In fact, I grew up in a haunted house! There was a lady ghost that lived in the basement and she would walk around at night. I’d like to do some ghost hunting eventually, I think it would be super fun and ghosts are just hella cool.

9. I love to cross stitch and embroider! Now I’m trying to teach myself to crochet, which is going...ok??? I’m still learning. But! I am an old lady and like to do needlepoint projects. It’s relaxing and soothes the soul. I usually listen to music or audio books while I’m working!

10. Aside from cats, I love cephalopods. I don’t know what it is about squid/octopi/other cephalopod bbys, but I just love them. They’re so cute and squishy! They just kind bloop around everywhere and look adorable as fuck. I just love them. I have plans of getting several tattoos of some lovely cephalopods. Eventually, I’d love to pet one. Just reach out, pet it, and my life would be complete. I’d like to do that with a shark as well, but that might be a lil more difficult.

Alright! 10 facts about me! That was a lot of fun and again, I am so sorry that it took forever. @crystal8325  Thank you so much for tagging me and I hope that you liked this! I am going to tag these lovely people: @altardust @googlymooglyghoul @dreamlover4eva @my-addictions @lovefrombeelzebub666 @clappityclapfrisco @metalhat @boopdaspook @secularhxze @gleamed

If you do not want to do this, that is totally fine! I just wanted to share this and have some fun! Anyways, I hope you all have a wonderful morning/day/night!!

[writesbatty]

days 14-29

complete with unedited content notes from the facebook group i’m in

29/30

i love to rewrite the classics

to make persephone send hades running

(keep that 'rewriting the story of persephone as a love story’ shit several hundred miles from me, thanks.)

to give echo back her voice

to let arachne weave her tapestries once more

rewrite pride and prejudice so lydia bennet does not marry a rapist

get jane eyre out of her aunt's home sooner rather than later

find ophelia a therapist

remind everyone that tragedy can still have a happy ending

  28/30 content warning: mentions/discussions of sex and consent. this is very vulnerable and im uncomfortable and DOING IT ANYWAY rip

.

.

.

i tell my boyfriend i think we should start scheduling sex

but that this is not some indication of failure in our relationship

i know he worries that my complicated relationship with sex is some reflection of how attractive i find him

(it doesn't help that the past few years seem to have taken my ease of flattery away from me

i don't know when it got so hard to tell the love of my life he looks good in tank tops

and black jeans like the ones he wore when i met him)

but it's not that

it's that i don't think about it, the same way i don't notice i am hungry till i'm starving, don't notice i'm thirsty till my head aches and spins, don't notice i am anxious until i am already in the middle of panic

it's that i was in a relationship where i never thought about the word no, it never occurred to me as an option, and now i end up consumed with pointless worry that i do not really want this

i try to talk to my therapist about these things, but i never really know what to say

how to explain my ex never set out to hurt me and half of it was my fault, but i am still feeling the aftershocks years later

without sounding like i am making excuses

(maybe i am, i don't know, i have always had a hard time with blame, with holding others accountable)

but at the same time i never want to imply what happened was more serious than it was

nothing like a genuine violation, nothing that should label me victim or survivor

nothing like what others have gritted their teeth and fought through

maybe some of it is the meds

it's hard to tell

how much is the meds and how much is the trauma and how much is just me

and why has it been six years and i still can't

-casually tell my boyfriend he has a nice ass

-sit in my boyfriend's lap

-fearlessly messily uninhibitedly make out with my boyfriend

because some paranoid corner of my mind is afraid to say 'no'

(nothing would happen if i said no, because everything would stop happening, it's not fear that makes me question, it's the idea of disappointing someone i love, and that's all on me, not on him)

my boyfriend is an angel with a nice ass

(seriously, i am not overstating this, he has a very nice, round butt)

and when i tell him

i think we should start scheduling sex

he kisses the top of my head

and talks about how bob and linda on bob's burgers schedule sex, and they have like, the best marriage on television, so clearly we're in good company

and pulls me over to the couch to feed me ice cream and scratch my back

  27/30 warning for like. harry potter/jkr 'discourse' or something i guess?

listen, we all should have known jk rowling was going down in flames the moment she made harry james potter a fucking MAGICAL COP at the end of the series

i have a list of problems with the deathly hallows epilogue that is longer than the actual epilogue and this is at least three of them

will somebody cut harry a fucking break?

why on earth would someone punish this abused, traumatized, exhausted person by giving them a career that will repeatedly remind them of every bad thing that has ever happened, which is most things that have happened to harry potter

harry potter should have been the defense against the dark arts instructor

harry potter has intimately seen both sides, every inch of light and dark

and he saw them as a child, he grew in them like a weed in brackish water, an in between neither fresh nor salt

(but he chose good, he always chose good, and it was always a choice, and it wasn't always easy)

let him teach other children to protect themselves

let him eat lunch with neville longbottom so they can discuss their students and make sure no teacher ever treats kids the way snape treated his students

the way snape treated harry and neville

let harry spend his weekends in hogsmeade with friends both old and new remembering only the light spots in the dark days of his schooling

let him know the joy of helping a struggling student

(this is how he will carry on remus lupin's legacy; that and the bar of honeyduke's finest chocolate in his desk)

let harry potter retire and spoil the ever loving shit out of all of his grandchildren

let harry potter put the past behind him

consider the fact that we don't all want to devote our lives

to fighting the demons we met in childhood

  26/30

nightmare at 20,000 feet is the most terrifying episode of the twilight zone

and what an apt title

what an apt metaphor

because what could ever be more nightmare then knowing the worst is just outside the window

but no one else can see it

25/30 this ends like super abruptly but idk how to end it Properly and i need sleep so. shrug emoji.

it's like a bad joke, this harmless word that never stops following me

you know those tasteless reddit posts about trigger warnings? how there's 'no way' someone could be traumatized by something so normal

so small

that's me. i am that joke.

a man at the aquarium calls his young daughter pumpkin and i–

i swallow a wave of nausea

i try to ignore the way my skin begins to crawl

and my heart speeds up

and i can hear the sound of his voice

it's like time travel

it's like a curse

just say 'pumpkin' and i fly back in time and it's like my body does not know that he is dead

that he hasn't called me pumpkin in nearly a decade

you would think it would be the mocking, the insults, that would ring like shots through my echo chamber brain

but

it's that fucking petname

it's 'i'm sorry, pumpkin' in his voice and the look in his eyes as he digs the hole in my chest just a little bit deeper with another fake apology

an apology all for him

when he came to my high school graduation there were rules

-he could not drink

-he could not apologize

-he could not call me pumpkin

24/30

it's funny

this disconnect between the me i know and the me other people know

at home i pace the floor, building up the courage to call for a cab

at work they tell me i am good with people, that i am no nonsense

at home, i twist my hair in my fingers as i struggle to tell my partner of nearly six years i need something to eat

at school they called me confident, self assured

i wonder where this other me is when i need them most

where is this confident and self assured version of me when something actually happens?

when someone is in trouble?

when someone gropes me in the street?

when someone needs them?

when i need them?

23/30

weirdly specific sections i wish i could find at the bookstore:

unconventional sci written by women and queer people

dystopian fiction that ends hopefully

non-ableist romance novels with disabled protagonists written by disabled people

young adult romance novels about lesbians and magic with happy endings

poetry for queer girls who really like artemisia gentileschi's art

collections of personal essays about hospital waiting rooms

college kids from dysfunctional families getting their shit together and falling in love

narratives about found families of misfits

young adult novels about queer romance and theatre kids

the exact novels you needed to read at 15 when you were scared and alone and will still make you cathartically sob while reading in a public park

(this last section is real except it's just the francesca lia block shelves in the young adult section)

how to guides on how to be a person when your body and the world you live in are crumbling to pieces rapidly

advice on how to make your best friends move out of state to be closer to you

novels where the protagonist goes through hell but they come out the other side and are still an essentially good and optimistic person despite their trauma because the world is a terrifying place and we need fiction and narrative to remind us of the potential for hope

22/30

edit: i just word vomit typed this directly into the comment box and it got weirdly long so Be Aware

elle woods is my personal hero

i'm blonde

'yes sarah'

i'm sure you're thinking

'i know, i have seen you'

but it's more than that, okay? i am blonde on the inside. my heart and soul are blonde. i talk to people and they say 'i can't imagine you not blonde' because the concept of me any other way is absurd

maybe because its the one thing everyone always loved about me. when i was a kid, everyone wanted to play with my hair. i had barbie hair, disney princess hair. long blonde waves like strands of gold.

i grew up telling blonde jokes, so everyone would know i was Smart and Cool. i got teased for being a nerd and a four eyes and for awhile everyone called me 'dictionary' because i knew how to spell zombie. smart was more important to me than cool, but i still told blonde jokes. the blonde swims ninety percent of the way to the other shore, gets tired, and swims all the way back, and god if that isn't a metaphor for my life. god if i haven't spent 25 years fighting not to be the blonde who turned back.

when i almost failed math in my freshman year of high school my father told me i should give up and become a playboy bunny because i didn't have a future. a childhood friend asks when i will grow out of the color pink.

i am a blonde the way i am pink. spiteful. elle woods walking malibu barbie through the halls of harvard. elle woods taking notes in pink sparkling pen. elle woods handing in her scented resume printed on pink paper.

elle woods saying

'what, like it's hard?'

i tape my thesis pages to the wall with glitter tape and pin my blonde hair back with a flower clip and i wear baby pink leather heels with bows on them.

'what, like it's hard?'

21/30

why do the aliens always want to kill us?

why do we always build a giant weapon?

why can't the aliens come to earth to help us?

why aren't scifi movies about healing?

20/30

ode to vestibular stimming

i do not like metal music

i'm sorry, it's just not my thing

but good god do i understand why people head bang

and why people mosh

when i was a kid i loved jumping on the trampoline, and the way it made my heart and brain jump and soar and bounce

now i can't jump on trampolines anymore but

i can listen to british pop music in my living room and laugh and feel that soar and jump and bounce as i swing my head from side to side and up and down and sometimes, for extra fun, twist my torso around a little

like i am so much energy and so little body but finally it has somewhere to go as my hair swishes against my face and an unstoppable grin spreads across my face and

don't you ever wanna just let go?

don't you ever wanna shake your head until the dizzy chases everything else away?

19/30

i like to talk to the creatures in the tanks when i do my aquarium rounds

the old man of an octopus in the floor tank i call gramps

my favorite sea star, a purple velcro star in the touch tanks, i call zippy

mostly i just call everything 'buddy'

'hey buddy, how ya doing today?' or 'come on buddy, scootch down from the top of the glass'

i apologize to the anemones when they close up because people have touched them too much

and i apologize to the jellies when it takes me more than one try to scoop them out so i can change their water

in middle school i noticed a rip on my baby doll's neck so i made her a neck brace from the sash of a build a bear robe and propped her up on pillows every night, so she wouldn't rip anymore

i am nearly 25 and i still feel guilty when my stuffed animals fall to the ground

i am nearly 25 and i keep multiple stuffed animals in the bed i share with my boyfriend of nearly six years

a common misconception of autism and other similar social disorders is that people on the spectrum do not experience empathy

and in some cases this is true

but an often ignored aspect of these disorders is that anything you could lack, you can also have too much of

hyper-empathy is when you are so receptive to others feelings they become your own

they become so much your own it causes you physical distress

and everything

everything

has feelings

i once got sad about throwing away a pair of pants because i had them for just... so long

i once cried on an apartment balcony because my neighbors i had never met, never even SEEN, were fighting

today i watched a young boy scare simon, a seagull who hangs out by the aquarium, by screaming at him

and it broke my heart a little even though i not especially fond of birds and am, in fact, kind of afraid of them

sometimes i sit and think about the things my dad experienced and my aching too big heart thinks

maybe it was okay

maybe the things he said were okay, because of what happened to him

my aching too big heart always forgets

things happened to my mother, too

things happened to me, too

and neither of us turned out like that

articles on the internet talk about hyper-empathy like a super power

call it 'being an empath'

to me it has always felt more like a bruise

like my aching too big heart just can't stop pumping blood to the tender surface of my skin

18/30

a very angry letter to a lady who came into the aquarium yesterday. less poem and more just 'complaining' but wow, i am still mad like 36 hrs later

for the love of god, lady

what is your fucking problem?

you are a grown adult. you have multiple children, some of whom are teenagers, and this is how you behave, in public, in front of your family?

are you incapable of basic human decency? did no one ever teach you manners?

yes, there is a disabled person and their caretaker in this aquarium, and yes the person is making noise. people make noise. you are in a fucking public place. children scream in here literally all the time. the seals scream. parents scream. sometimes the people who work here scream, because it is the only way you can hear us over the damn seals.

so why, lady, do you feel the need to make some rude ass comment about a person you don't even know, and look at me like

you expect me to play along

i wish i could say something to you but i am an employee and that is not polite but

if i was just a person i would tell you to shove it

but i wish i could have been a staff member AND told you to shove it

so i could have told you, hey, lady

this person helping you, telling you all this information about sea stars, is also fucking disabled

and your rude as hell eye roll and 'oh great, here we go' and 'really?' and loud scoffing is not appreciated

and frankly you can kiss my autistic ass and get the fuck out

17/30

capitalism is broken

and the reason i know this is because of jurassic park

not the franchise but the canon, the universe it exists in

every time i complain about the jurassic park universe

demanding to know why, for the love of GOD, do people keep opening these parks full of dangerous dinosaurs

someone always tells me 'the money, obviously'

as if capitalism was a reasonable excuse for making a super t-rex that eats people

as if money were an excuse for making yet another death trap

yet another super dinosaur that's going to –inevitably– escape and eat and/or traumatize someone

the idea that the people who built jurassic world looked at the events of jurassic park and thought

the money is worth it

we won't fuck up this time

is completely fucking baffling to me

i suppose maybe i am meant to see this as a heartwarming representation of the american refusal to fail

if at first you don't succeed, try try again, after all!

but i think about the news article i read last night

about how insurance companies worry curing diseases is not profitable

and i think about all the lives lost and therapy needed because everyone in jurassic world refused to learn from john hammond's mistakes

and i don't think any of this is saying americans refuse to fail

it's just saying we don't care how many times we kill people if there's good money to be made

16/30, inspired by how affectionate the characters on new girl are with each other

all through high school i did theatre, and i don't know if this is a universal theatre kid thing, or just something we all did

but we were all about physical contact

we were a bunch of misfit touch starved pets

piling seven teenagers on one sofa, every part of you touching somebody, every part of you warm

and i miss that

all that platonic but physical affection

i am a very affectionate person, and i find myself fighting to seem 'normal' in social situations

reminding myself not to wrap my arms around people, or rest a hand on someone's leg, or call casual friends babe, or offer people bites of food

this is how i lived all of high school

sitting in laps, holding hands in the halls, kisses hello, shared drinks and forks

i miss it

i don't understand our desire as a society to deem intimate touch romantic

why shouldn't i kiss my best friend on the cheek? why shouldn't friends hold hands?

we are social creatures, after all

we don't start out like this

we sleep in heaps at slumber parties, we play doctor, we play house, we do each other's hair

why does all that stop because we get old enough to want to kiss people?

doesn't that seem silly?

15/30 write more love poems about your friends guys. love your friends tell people you love them. i love telling people i love them. i love u. all of u. here's a poem about my best friend aka the greatest human on earth, the guildenstern to my rosencrantz

so i've known my best friend since 9th grade

except

except actually i met her in 3rd grade and didn't know it until 10th grade

and she wasn't my best friend until college

except

except she was, i think, maybe the whole time and we just didn't know it

on my fifteenth birthday she came with me to get my nose pierced and gave me a hand drawn birthday card that quoted my favorite green day song

once we spent six hours on skype drawing bad caricatures of celebrities

and when i left to grab a snack she yelled after me

"don't you go where i can't follow"

our senior year we read "rosencrantz and guildenstern are dead" for ap english and we started calling each other rosencrantz and guildenstern

and when she gave her senior project speech on william faulkner she cried, not because she was nervous, but because she loves faulkner and she got emotional

she is exactly 12 days older than me, and a taurus, and she plays a bunch of different instruments and one day we're going to start a folk punk band called the rebel amish

last summer we went to the deyoung together and laid in a shag covered bean bag chair watching the light show in the summer of love exhibit for like an hour

and we took a selfie in some giant gold antique mirror

and when i picture my future, she is as much a part of it as my boyfriend

this other love of my life, this girl with the bright eyes and the once broken nose and who is always willing to sit and talk about books

or the shitty people we went to high school with

or weird titles for potential memoirs

this amazing person, who is the only person i would trust to drive me through marin county while eating a mcdonalds cheeseburger

it is a different kind of love, sure

but it is a love story

and it is ours

14/30 which i wrote but forgot to post because i was playing video games

i wish my own mysteries were this easy to solve

just look for the spot that glows

and unearth what's hiding

no crying

no years of therapy

no buried memories

just point and click

[borisbubbles]

SURVIVOR: GAME CHANGERS Review

I only saw “Worlds Apart” again as a prelude to the latest season, which I hadn’t seen just yet. Keeping in the theme of self-parody, or so it would seem, this latest season was called “Game Changers” and reinforced its titular promise by... casting a bunch of randoms and like... seven legendary players? My personal pet theory the season was meant as a fanwank dedicated to the AWFUL (um, spoiler) Ciera “BIG MOVES!!” Eastin but then she was booted first, WHOOPS!!!!

I only saw “Worlds Apart” again as a prelude to the latest season, which I hadn’t seen just yet. Keeping in the theme of self-parody, or so it would seem, this latest season was called “Game Changers” and reinforced its titular promise by... casting a bunch of randoms and like... seven actually legendary players? My personal pet theory the season was meant as a fanwank dedicated to the AWFUL (um, spoiler) Ciera “BIG MOVES!!” Eastin but then she was booted first, WHOOPS!!!!

“Game Changers” turned out perfectly average in the end. As one might expect from a season with that name, it focused on The Game a ton, which... meh. The game of Survivor is a combo of social dynamics + basic arithmetic;  no guarantee for entertainment in itself, but a solid frame in which a good cast can shine if allowed to do so. As a subject to model a season of reality television around though... eh, no fanks. The Max Dawsons of the world love hearing about OPTIONS and hypothetical scenarios and blindsides, but not I. 

By investing heavily in The Game, I feel production dropped the ball here: The Game basically always pans out the same way, no matter how many gimmicky twists you throw into the mix. Speaking of which, omg the twists were ridiculous, are you KIDDING me??? The default elimination of Cirie Fields, one of the savviest players to every play Survivor, because she was the only person at tribal council to not possess a grossly overpowered advantage and had relied soley on her own cunning, is definitely a low point in the whole FRANCHISE.

So let me state the obvious truth the producers seem to have forgotten: 

It’s the PEOPLE in that game which elevate it because they are differing factor between seasons. Ergo, what makes them tick should ALWAYS be the main focus. Despite a SHOCKING lack of personable moments (there’s transgate and advantagegeddon but both were awful) personalities did -miraculously- manage to shine and made Game Changers... what’s the opposite of “boring”? Not boring? Acceptable? Cromulent? idk. I consider GC being decent dumb luck for the most part. Still, in a world in which once good shows such as Survivor drift ever closer to Openly Bad Television, we should count our blessings when they come. 

~CAST RANKING~

1. Sandra Diaz-Twine Mana Tribe 15th place

THE QUEEN OF SURVIVOR <3 Explaining Sandra with mere words always sells her short. If you know her, you KNOW why she’s #1. If you don’t, well... acquaint yourself

Sassy latina matron whose entire personality can be summed up by “I don’t give a shit. fuck you, adios” <3 Sandra is just INTENSLY charismatic and personable and even mundane shit, like instructing her minions on who to vote out is funny: "so this is the person i think we should send home and imma tell you why: SIERRA. DAWN. THOMAS.. :)”. <3

I’m secretly grateful she was voted off early though because it meant she was spared the editorial dettol and we finally got to see her unplugged. <3 Foolish men would gun for her all the time, only for her to effortlessly turn the tables on them every single time. It’s weird that despite her legacy, people STILL underestimated her. Of course, this all led to her being despised by the goldfish memory’d fraus. “WHO IS THIS “QUEEN” CAN SHE GO I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER WHO SHE IS” the only person to win Survivor *TWICE*, that’s who! THE QUEEN STAYS QUEEN. 

2. Michaela Bradshaw Mana 7th place

All that Sandra worship, aside, I ALMOST ranked Michaela above her. She -too- is one of my all-time favourite players. Like Sandra, Michaela’s awesomeness is difficult to capture in script; imagine if the entire “Candor” faction from the Divergent universe was distilled into one human being; that’s the Michaela Bradshaw experience in a nutshell.

Great Michaela moments include: 

(1) “TELL MALCOLM YA SEND HIM HOME TOO” (2) “SLIDE TO THE SIDE, SLIDE TO THE SIDE”

(3) Desperately trying and -failing- to control her attitudeface

(4) Stress eating at tribal council, accompanied by the usual attitudefaces:

(5) her strategy to keep Culpepper Culpepper from looking for the HII: michaela: “yo brad, go fish” culpepper: “what do you mean “go fish” is that some sort of metaphor?” michaela: “no... it's a suggestion. go fishing, like go fish. it’s low tide.” culpepper: “..........” michaela: “and bring back fish. at low tide.” culpepper: “............” michaela: “...............................” culpepper: “....................” michaela: “GO FISH!!!! >__<”

On most seasons a Sassy Black Girl With Attitude would be an OTT charicature. On Survivor Game Changers however, she was the ONLY contestant who felt like... a real, complex person, with trivial yet relatable struggles (coping with a resting bitchface, putting too much sugar in your coffee, you know, the sort of little things we all know we shouldn’t do but still do anyway). Survivor as a show doesn’t really do such characters anymore, instead focusing on charicaturizing the people with bigger personalities, and sanitizing the rest. It was great to have a character which broke this tendency, even if it were through sheer happenstance.   

3. Andrea Boehke Nuku tribe 8th place

Pet theory: Andrea was secretly delighted that Zeke turned on her, so she could gun for an obvious jury threat WITHOUT looking like an asshole <3

Seriously, Survivor is known for its comically vitriolic feuds (Sandra vs Jon, Marty vs Jane, Judd vs Margaret, Mike vs Rodney, etc) but especially this one? Andrea was SOOO visceral and bitter in that feud and destroyed him in confessionals (”TERRIBLE GAME MOVE. YOU SUCK AT THIS GAME. I HOPE I SEE YOU NEVER.” is a top 5 voting confesh), shaded him to his face (”PEOPLE AREN’T HUMAN CHESS PIECES”) and then actually got him booted lmao <3 She REALLY hated Zeke for feeling threatened by her stardom (lmfao, okay Andrea LaGrossa) and *I* too really hated Zeke, so it worked for me! 

Andrea is a blatant famewhore, but of the best sort: the one who isn’t fully aware of her own compulsiveness to make moves, not for the sake of her game, but for the sake of her own entertainment. Fortunately for us, she has a pretty good grasp on what “entertaining” involves. <3

After getting Zeke booted, Andrea targeted her friend FirstOfficerSarah, claiming she had never liked her rofl she’s too much, stawwwp.

4. Cirie Fields Nuku 6th place

Cirie’s time on this show was a perfect blend of all her previous arcs: overcoming the physical obstructions of being a self-confessed “couch potato” competing on a Survival show, competent yet interesting strategic ploys, getting screwed over by shitty production twists... wait wut????

I loved her fleshed-out relationships with other contestants. In particular: the Ozzy/Cirie paranoia of “will the other gun for me after what happened eight years ago.... hmm... i don’t think so BUT i’ll gun for them anyway :)”, only for Cirie to be blindsided when Ozzy was booted; her Good Cop/Bad Cop routine with Andrea, her insistence to ALWAYS refer to Sarah as “FirstOfficerSarah” and her secret mentorhood of Michaela. Like Michaela, Cirie’s deep relationships with everyone fleshed her out like a real person, despite several instances of gamebothood. 

I suppose now is the time I address her outrageous exit?

So, Advantagegeddon. Cirie getting default-elim’ed because she didn’t have a Ridiculous, Overpowered Rigged Advantage up her sleeve is absoutely fucking BULLSHIT no matter how you slice it. I have no doubts production was hoping something like this would happen at the Final six, just not to Cirie lol, WHOOPS. It totally backfired and will hurt the franchise, mark my words. Survivor is a social game first and a strategic game second and this meritocratic TREASURE HUNT it’s turning into undercuts its basic mechanics. For it to claim the one person commonly regarded as the best player to never win was just... the worst possible outcome? (or best, if it leads to the number of advantages getting culled in future seasons but i’m not getting my hopes up.)

But there’s always the returnee ouroboros to fall back on. Her and JaredGOD (

) for BVW3 plz.

5. Tai Trang Nuku 4th place

On paper, I shouldn’t care too much about Tai: an idol-finding gremlin who streaks and says weird things and talks about the game a lot... MEH

In practice, holy shit he owns. Sinewy, sixty-year old challenge beast gaysian <3 Tai had the best idol-related storylines in the franchise and his idoling of Malcolm was for sure epic. He instigated Advantageggeddon and as much as the moment itself sucked, the back-and-forth paranoia between him and Cirie leading up to it was great. He talked about The Game a lot, in a mr Hyunh-like voice (lolracist), only to succumb to language barrier-induced confusion and panic. His flakiness also inadvertently destroyed whatever remained Culpepper’s social game, lmfao <3 Mess with Taingel and get electrocuted by the halo!!!

Tai’s non-game related content was pretty great as well. Not everyone can pull of stuff such as “loving chickens” and “streaking” but he did, effortlessly and naturally. Tai setting the chickens loose, only for them to shit all over Cirie <3 Streaking  at the one reward because “MY BOYFRIEND AND I ALWAYS TALK ABOUT GETTING NAKED IN ARKENSAS”. <3 It was fun. I shouldn’t counterpoint this with not-fun instances such as  fake-drunk Debbie (X_X) mooning him at the merge feast, but our collective Dillip ptsd must all bear witness. 

IMMA VOMIT -- Malcolm, Tai, all of us. 

6. Sierra Dawn Thomas Nuku 9th place

Alol I can’t even type out her name without being reminded of how Sandra pronounces it. SYEAH-RAW. DAWWWWWN. TAW-MAS.

I kind of LOVE Sierra and I’m not sure if I can explain it properly. She just... really clicks with me? She’s a fun overdog, a scrappy underdog and a comitted townsperson, which means she’s good in pretty much every situation she’s in. As in World’s Apart, she is a disarmingly normal and relatable person among a cast of crazed goons. In Game Changers, this of course meant production had no clue what to do with her, so they made her a non-entity... except lolwhoops they didn’t because she kept tumbling into relevancy time and time over <3 

After the highest heights of the Double Tribe Tribal (the Kiss may actually be my famo of the season, in fact?

), Sierra hunkered down and wrapped Culpepper around her finger and somehow became the New Sheriff In Town around the merged tribe. An UTR floater from a hated season who was a replacement for Natalie Anderson calling the shots on a season dubbed “Game Changers” <3 I love how this universe functions, sometimes.

7. Troy “Troyzan” Robertson Mana 3rd place

um, i know right? I was TERRIFIED of  Troy “Troyhard” Robertson going into the season. I was SURE his getting owned by an alliance of women would have fed his macho ego and turned him full misogynist in addition to his Wacky Self-Serving Memebase Existence. Instead the Kim ptsd emasculated him and drove him into Queen Sandra’s arms, lol <3

Troy was barely on this show, but bear with me. I’ll take a non-entity with a fun and funny edit (everyone CONSTANTLY coddling him like he was a danger to himself AND others <3) over a potential chauvinist pig. Especially when said non-entity was the ONLY male on the original Mana tribe to cockblock Tony’s all-male, anti-Sandra alliance <3 Early Game Changers truly was Sandra’s Island, y’all.

lmao @ his FTC arguments tho

troy: i wasn’t surprused i made it to the end, because i played a really good game² ^__^ jury: ²[citation needed] troy: uhh i suppose i didn’t, whoops, my bad. *deletes his mental wikia page*

8. Hali Ford Mana 13th place

¯\_(ツ)_/¯  <-- Hali’s entire existence on this season.

You can preeeeetty much c/p my World’s Apart write-up for Hali here. She was once again an endearingly weird random, nuanced slightly differently? She didn’t spend her time fetishing over the constitution or regaling what her fourth and fourtheenth favourite things in life are, but in the neverending game of musical thrones which was Game Changers she was a random townsperson who loathed Brad Culpepper (and Culpepper loathed her too?), which worked me too, I guess.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

hali: “please take culpepper out. i beg you -_-” sandra: “k gurl” jt: “nope” sandra: “...hali?” hali: “u do u, guys ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ”

and then was targeted over residu floaterhood and became collateral damage in Sierra and Culpepper’s Plan To Oust Michaela. Sadly, Michaela and Cirie had already bonded, dooming Hali, who proved too peripheral to be worthy of saving. Oh well, it could’ve been worse (I.E.: Michaela going), I guess.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

9. Malcolm Freberg Mana 17th place

Much like how Sandra going early caused her to shown at the full extent of her sass and pizzazz, so does Malcolm benefit from being booted pre-merge. This was easily his most intrinsically likable appearance; *shockingly* without the otherwise omnipresent Golden Boy Edit blinding us... I wonder whether there’s any correlation???

But yeah Malcolm “at his best” to me is him as an analytic narrator/hapless follower and he provided that. He was the ONLY person to openly gun for Sandra while simultaneously understanding why she’s dangerous (ie: not being like “Sandra won TWICE... that must mean something... right??”): that she just doesn’t give a FUCK about anything but her own survival when push comes to shove <3

But we’re mostly here because of Malcolm’s reaction to being idoled out. You know, taking your exit with grace is one thing, but Malcolm is hilariously bad at losing with dignity and thank goodness he is. His reaction to losing the IC in Philippines after fumbling his rigged advantage is my fave non-Abi, non-COOKIES?? moment of that season, ngl. If defeat was a picture, it would look like this:

FWD to this season: "IMMA VOMIT!!!" & “JT IS NOT GETTING A CHRISTMAS CARD, KID COULDN’T KEEP HIS STUPID MOUTH SHUT *supernovas during final words*" hysterical.

10. Sarah Lacina Nuku Sole Survivor

For someone who is fundamentally boring, FirstOfficerSarah had several good moments. I mean, her “last time, I played like a cop, this time I play like a *CRIMINAL*” was the superobvious impetus to kick the Generic Winner Arc into motion, so I happily zoned out of most of the Sarah content... only to be pulled in by a random, unexpected fun moment at the turn of a dime???

“MOST PEOPLE CAN’T TELL WHETHER THE LICENSE PLATE THEY’RE DRIVING WITH IS OUT OF DATE ON SIGHT... *raises hand* I CAN ^__^” A+ Coach refs <3. 

Other things I enjoyed: the way she handled her Vote Steal Advantage (this game had too. many. fucking. advantages.), pawing it off to Cirie, only to be like “welllll actually it’s non-transferable, it says so at the bottom, ... so... can you give it back now? I plan on using it tonight :)” holy crap stone cold.  <3 And the breakdowns. The breakdown DURING Transgate, interrogating Varnercunt about his vile behaviour while calling out all the inconsistencies in his story <3 her breakdown AFTER Transgate, concluding Zeke Smith is the best (only) transgender she ever met in her life <3 Her breakdown AT the family visit upon seeing her.. idk... hubby? boyfriend? whatever Wayne is <3

In conclusion, Congratulations, Sarah, you were an acceptable Boring Gamebot Winner!! That being said, the memory of her becomes ever more distant, akin to a tumbleweed rolling downwind in the desert...

11. Tony Vlahos Mana 19th Place

BAI TONY!!! :) SAY HI TO CIERA FOR ME!!! :) The knowledge that Tony didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell in going far made him far easier to stomach this go around. This was of course aided by his own obnoxious machinations; for ex: Upon landing at Mana beach he immediately (immediately.) brayed “IMMA LOOK FOR THE IDOL, SEE YA!!!! LOLOLOLO” and darted in to the jungle. <3 Psychotic, bellowing monsterbeasts are so much better when everyone’s in on the joke. Sadly, Tony then OF COURSE had to show is ass by turning on Queen Sandra *sigh*. Oh well, at least we know who won that battle. It also had the added bonus of making TROY situationally funny: Troy catching him in the act of digging out his “Spy Bunker” and making Tony explain why he’s all frantic and covered in dust and debris. <3 and when Tony tried rallying all of the men against Sandra, Troy REFUSED because he was already tucked under her sassy wing. WILL THE SANDRA OWNAGE EVER END???? 

12. Aubry Bracco Mana 5th place

I really like Aubry as a human!!! kick-ass aspergers princess <3 but she was barely on this show when you reflect on it. She had a token confessional every ep to narrate the strategic events to which she was tangentially related. Not bad, but in terms of personal development it’s nothing.

Her epic anxious aspie self eventually DID emerge at the F7 round buuuuut too little to late. It felt like a hollow non-sequitur to me. “LOOK AT AUBRY BEING AUBRY. :) SEE? :) SAME OLD AUBRY :) NOW THAT’S SETTLED, LET’S GET ON WITH ~THE GAME~ FOREVERMORE” cool storytelling, braz. I also did NOT enjoy the valedictorian Aubry/Probst one-two-punch at the end of every tribal council, trying to pimp ~The Game~ as if it were anything more than baseborn arithmetic. “WOW Aubry :o This Tribal Council has really been GAME CHANGING hasn’t it” “Mhm Jeff, I wonder how much the GAME will CHANGE after the vote :)” x at least half a dozen times, are you f’king kidding me.

13. Brad Culpepper Nuku Runner-Up

Culpepper was perfectly adequate this season. His time amounted to a whole bunch of whitemediocre strategy noises and superawkward sociodynamics that were honestly too awkward to appreciate. Luckily those inherently Not Good qualities were transmuted through the Monica megaphone making them Not Bad :) 

It is enough to colour Brad a very pale chartreuse once put through the red/yellow/green feelings-as-colours prism. He had a handful of quirks (Brad the Interior Decorator <3 “What do you mean, GO FISH??? O_O” <3 Being the Matt von Ertfelda to Troy’s Butch Locksley <3 (wait does that make Sierra the Cesternino? discuss.)) and a few Not Good Moments (browbeating Tai, Michaelousy) 

In the end, it all balances out to neutrality. Brad’s story was a reiteration of his spouse’s, nobody does Monica better but Monica. Not Brad, Monica.

lol I thought I’d have more to say about Brad, but I don’t. Sorry boo. 

14. Caleb Bankston Mana 18th place

Caleb was on this season? Like, not even POKING at his being cast as a “Game Changer”, which is pretty suspect in itself, it actually felt like he wasn’t on S34 at all?

lol what did he even do? umm, he pecked Tai on the cheek once, which... isn’t it precious when douchebro’s try to enforce their bromoerotic routine with an actually gay person, but that’s not how it functions. Bromosexuality with a homosexual is just homosexuality, Caleb, I’m so sorry to tell you [/karajanx]. He also had immediately bonded with his other “bro” Tony (... Brony?) and therefore became a semi-sentient anti-Sandra voice. Still voted Tony off anyway tho lol. 

And then he was swapfucked and used as a human sacrifice to grant Hali Ford just enough good fortune hoodoo to stumble into the merge. Which... is the best outcome I could’ve hoped for. If Hali doesn’t make the merge, Michaela gets voted off at the F13, robbing us of her Cirielliance and “GO FISH”, making this season way worse. So gratz for being the meatshield for another meatshield, I guess!

15. Oscar “Ozzy” Lusth Nuku 12th place

Ozzy was... IMMENSELY boring this time around, yep i’ve said it, dwi. Ozzy’s personality is notable for its basic smugness (</3) and delusional self-entitlement (<3) but neither side showed itself, so why should I bother with whatever bland husk was left behind?

Seriously though, Ozzy solely existed as the physical gestalt of the long-haired, athletic, situationally relevant (citation needed on the last one though) white male who catches fish. Apparently that’s all it takes to be the OVERWHELMING fan favourite (um until Transgate oops) with the fraudience. Jesus fucking Christ, I’ll never understand.

That said, I did enjoy his aforementionned dynamic with Cirie. (“she targets me... she targets me not *picks the petals off an imaginary forget-me-not*”) only to stumble into her side at the merge through their shared Andrealliance. A pity this potentially interesting relationship was whisked out of the spotlight like HvV Colberri was in favour of more STRATEGY TALK. Obladi, Oblada, life goes on~

16. Ciera Eastin Mana 20th place

Ciera is often cited as one of Survivor’s biggest game-changers because she VOTED OUT HER MOM... in a unanimous vote.... that was orchestrated by the opposing alliance for splitting up the last remaining family pair in the game... in which she had no say whatsoever, so she just jumped on the bandwagon. SUCH A “GAME CHANGER”!!!

Since then, Ciera has been retconned as ~The Brains Behind That Operation~ and spends her time haranguing others about MAKING BIG MOOOOOVES like she once "made”. *BARF*

As expected, she *immediately* started off her usual spiel by badgering her tribe mates on day two about BIG MOOOOVES. I don’t even remember whom she targeted. I think Tony and Sandra? Wait, the fact that everyone else was already targeting Tony and Sandra at that point proves that it was :) . It is fortunate she did though because it reminded everyone what an annoying brat Ciera Eastin truly is and nixed her at the first opportunity <3

17. James “JT” Thomas Nuku 16th place

As sure as day follows night, so sure can we be James Thomas Jr. is going to overthink a situation and clown himself if Stephen Fishbach isn’t there to hold him by the hand.

Credit where it’s due, JT instigated one of the best tribal councils ever. JT assuming that Culpepper would vote off Sandra based on sweet nothings and then informing him he was voting Sierra so they could idol Sandra out was “Cersei Reinstitutes the Faith Millitant” levels of accidental self-destruction. It created the pandemonic hellscape we all know and love: The Mana’s dancing on the ashes whilst Sierra bestows the Kiss of Death upon a devastated (understatement) Malcolm; Hali and Aubry’s jaws almost literally dropping to the ground, and JT and Sandra both coming close to tears as both of their plans went hilariously awry. It was EPIC and JT put that in motion.

That said, I find him sooooo smug and Michaelous that I just can’t help but dislike his pillsbury doughboy existence. Like, who cares if Michaela eats too much sugar, you just GOT YOUR ONLY ALLY BOOTED, sit back and eat a slice  humble pie. Luckily Sandra was there to mess with his g-ddamn’ mind, eat the sugar, make him feel safe and then mercilessly slitted his throat while he had an idol in his [proverbial because he didn’t even bring it to TC with him lolol] pocket. And people still wonder why Sandra is the best.

18. Ezekiel “Zeke” Smith Nuku 10th place

Ugh, Zeke.

Now, I understand that Zeke is notionally interesting and even likable as a “transmale who is more than just his gender”, but my first instincts were always to be wary of him. it wasn‘t until Andrea articulated her own reasons for disliking Zeke (um, the non-self-serving one), that I understood why I had disliked him myself.

As a transmale, Zeke wishes to prove he’s more than his transgender status, a plight I sympathize with. However, in doing so, Zeke inadvertantly ruins the seasons he’s on. 

(1) his in-game  personality is really barren and insipid. because Zeke avoided talking about himself or his past beyond what is skin deep, he really only talks about ~The Game~ and *snore*. Who on earth is Zeke Smith? I saw two back-to-back seasons of him and I have no bloody clue. This creates the paradox of Zeke’s transgender status being his most notable trait, by sheer force of being the ONLY ~personal~ thing we learned about him. By ignoring it, Zeke is pretty much no different from like... every other droning gamebot this show has produced.

(2) he actively goes after good people. Zeke’s way of getting the confirmation he craves so desperately is to establish himself as a Big Character/Great Player on a reality tv show. I do believe he’s self-aware enough to realize he doesn’t have the panache of a Sandra or a Cirie or even an Andrea but not self-aware enough to realize/accept he’s too bland to ever fill the rifts left in the space vacuum by their potential exits. In Zeke’s mind’s eye, he WANTS to be a Sandra. Ergo, he constantly targets people (mostly women or beta males) who are superior to him in both intellect and personality... I surely can’t be the only one detecting a Girl-Hating Girl vibe from this sort of playstyle, right???

As for transgate, eh. Definitely a memorable moment and one where I sided with Zeke, but it was epic because of others: Andrea breaking down and sobbing, complete with crodocile tears, Tai SCREAMING hard truths in broken English at a backpedaling Jeff Varner, Sarah pointing out inconsistencies and hypocrisies and being SHELL SHOCKED by her first sentent experiences with a transgender person. Zeke himself though, just stared and sat there doe-eyed, taking a moment to ponder philosophically about his ~metamorphosis~. On a human level the correct way to go about the sitch, on an enterainment level valium incarnate .

Ultimately, Zeke is TOO BORING to truly dislike even, and that’s precisely why I do and must? He’s clearly not made for reality television, he’s too earnest and reserved for a game he doesn’t even play well. Idk, Zeke, you’ll have to do something else for a living. Now, I heard there’s a job vacancy for an LGBT  councillor in North Carolina...

19. Debbie Wanner Nuku 11th place

When it comes down to “Putting Up A Character”, only two things can happen. Either you’re hilarious or horrific. This season Debbie pole-vaulted from the Coach/JFP side of the spectrum over to Corinneville and never looked back.

I refuse to recount any of her many insidious attempts at camera-muggery; they all boiled down to the same tired rhetoric of “AHA! I KNOW NOW MUCH YOU LOVE DELUDED OLD DEBBIE!! WATCH ME SAY SOMETHING DELUSIONAL OR DO SOMETHING CRAZY!!! PLEASE POINT AND LAFF. HA HA HA. I’M SO FUNNEH :)” bitch that shit only works when you DON’T fling it in our faces 24/sevs. I wouldn’t mind if she had any wits or originality about her, but nope, she’s just an arsehole. :)

People claim "Game Changers” ruined her, but, to paraphrase my Bio lecturer after I flunked my internship last year, ultimately it was Debbie who ruined herself, so~

lol this was prolly the shortest write-up of them all too. What an epic character.

20. Jeff Varner Mana 14th place

Ho, boy, it’s time to discuss Transgate, isn’t it? -___- I’m not even going to pretend like Jeff Varner’s presence of this season had any other bearing. Neither am I going to dissertate “Should’ve Known Better” scenarios because Varner - working as he did at an LGBT organization based in NorCar - definitely knew better. 

 Fortunately, none of his tribemates were having any of it. I can’t recap this entry any better than having them do all the work for me. Roll that tape: Varner: “What I’m showing is a Deception-” [nb: um weren’t you a pretend bisexual at the time of S2??] Debbie: "That isn’t a deception in a strategic game, I don’t think so :-/” Varner: “Jeff; I argue for the rights of transgender people on a daily basis in the State of North Carolina. I’m just fighting for my life here. I’m not outing him” Tai: “BUT YOU *ARE* OUTING HIM!!!! YOU JUST OUTED HIM!!!” Varner: “I don’t want people to have this perception I am some evil and horrible person” Andrea: “So... what *was* your goal in doing that, then?” Probst: “so, Jeff, you just equated “keeping your identity hidden” to a full-blown deception... isn’t that a giant leap? Don’t you see that’s kind of really bad?” Varner: “Oh I do see that, I feel bad about it. I support ya, Zeke~” Probst: “Dude, you can’t unring the bell-” Varner: “Imnotunringingthebellimapologizingtozeke” Ozzy: “You should be ASHAMED of yourself :-/ You’re playing with people’s lives at this point.” Varner: “I made a horrible mistake. I really thought he was out and loud and proud about it-” Sarah: “if you thought he was out and proud about it, then why were you making a point that everyone should know?  Varner: “because we haven’t discussed it” Sarah: (talking over him) “Because he’s *NOT* out and loud and proud about it.”

At the end of the gay, he really only cared about not coming off as the Bad Person, which... ouch. There’s no rock bottom to his dignity when a mil is at stake, is there, huh?

[teenagezombiegentlemen]

a/n: As promised, here’s the first chapter of my Gabe x Clementine fic! I’m super nervous about this—it’s such a scary thing to put your writing out there—but I hope you enjoy this. I’m combining several prompts I received to write the fic, but maybe it’s impossible to please everyone ???? Also sorry if the characters are OOC.

Summary: After things settle down in Richmond, Clementine is ready to go look for AJ once again. But she’s not going alone.

1 | 2 | 3

bloody business

“I love you, brother,” Javi croaks out between pained breaths.

The gun feels cold and heavy in her hands, and its click! still sends a shiver down her spine. No matter how many times she holds it, things never get easier.

But.

Sometimes there just isn’t a way out. She can pretend she’s pointing a gun to just another walker—like Jane once said—but that’s not how it works. It’s a person. A breathing, living person. Someone with a future that can be taken from them in a second.

But.

She has no choice. In this world, things have a way of spiraling out of control more quickly than Clementine ever thought possible.

But.

Seeing David trying to kill Javi, his brother and her friend, her friend, all she can see is a scene that can never be forgotten.

She can almost taste the bitter cold on her lips, feel the snowflakes on her cheeks. The snow pools at her waist and, in front of her, Kenny and Jane wrestle.

They scream—Kenny filled with uncontrolled, irrational rage; Jane with fear, so tangible and so real and so frightening—and the gun gleans in middle of all that snow.

She picks it up—and its weight is so terrible, so dangerous, pulling at the strings of her heart—and the choice is clear.

Only…it’s not a choice she can make. At least, that’s what she thought at the time. She loves Kenny, he’s her last string to Lee—Lee, who will be forever missed, forever remembered—but Jane…she is her last string to Luke.

And whose memory she needs the most—her mentor or her pseudo-brother? She needs both, wants both.

But she can only have one.

Her fingers shake so much when she pulls the trigger, and she doesn’t stop shaking until the end of the day.

But.

The choice is easier now.

She’s learning how to stand David, how to understand the way his mind works—Lee would have wanted for her to give people a chance, no matter if they wronged her in the past.

But.

She won’t choose David. Can’t choose him, really. If she weights it down, he means nothing to her—not the way Javi does. Her bond with Javier still isn’t as deep as she believes it can be, but he feels like a link to her past. A link to Lee, Luke. His heart, his actions, his friendship…it all takes her back to those she lost.

Deep in her heart, Clementine knows he won’t be around forever. Knows his fate—like everyone else’s in their world—is already sealed.

But.

It doesn’t matter.

She still needs his friendship, can’t let him go yet. One small look at Kate—so terrified, hands in her mouth as silent tears run down her cheeks—and Gabe—forehead bleeding from where David hit him, eyes wide like he couldn’t ever choose between the two men—is enough for her.

Clementine shoots and, this time, her hands don’t shake.

When David groans, clutching his shoulder—she didn’t aim to kill, wouldn’t ever again aim to kill after what happened with Kenny—she wastes no time. The walkers near the generator seem to realize they have been fooled and start dragging themselves to her and the struggling family.

She shoots one more time, taking down a walker, before grabbing both Javi and David. The brothers seem stunned, faces ashen, but still allow her to drag them back to safety. From the corner of her eye, Clementine sees Kate helping Gabe as well.

When they are safe—for now, because no one is ever safe enough, never for long enough—and the walkers groan and moan and growl on the outside, David punches the lockers, as loudly as he can.

“Hey!” She exclaims, gun still in hand. “You want the things to stay around?”

“Fuck you—”

“No! Fuck you! What the hell is wrong with you?” The gun slips from her hand, though she can’t say she isn’t grateful for this. “You need to calm down or—”

“You shot me! You don’t get to order me around after you fucking shot me!”

“Stop!” Gabe cries from another corner, nestled between Kate’s arms. Seeing him like that…so innocent, so scared, so pure, reminds Clem of Sarah. Once upon a time, another person she lost. Her face softens. “P-please, just…s-stop fighting.”

With her arms raised in surrender, she walks as calmly towards him as she can. “Gabe, I’m sor—”

“Don’t start the bullshit! Everyone knows you’re not sorry for anything!” David bellows, clutching his shoulder with one hand and pointing an accusing finger at her with the another.

“David, please,” Javi whispers, his hands brushing with Kate’s briefly before he tries to approach his brother. “We need to stay calm, start thinking about a way to get out of here without becoming food for the muertos.”

“I had a way out! If you just listened to me—”

She tunes they both out, knowing that this time things are bound to stay calmer. David is hurt, he wouldn’t be able to attack Javi again.

With a sigh, Clem restarts making her way to Gabe, smiling when Kate gives her an approving nod.

“Gabe, are you okay?” Clementine starts, her eyes moving to the gash in his forehead. Doesn’t look too deep, the blood even stopped flowing already. Good. Means David wasn’t really trying to hurt Javi, wasn’t using all of his strength.

Her friend remains silent, crying softly in Kate’s shirt. Shock. That she can recognize, has enough experience with it.

“Gabe, look at me,” she pleads, smiling when he does as she says. “Can you even your breathing? Look, see how I’m breathing. Copy that. Okay? Deep breaths, count to three. Okay?”

He keeps nodding and nodding, and after a few minutes he manages to calm down enough to recover his presence of mind. In the background, she can still hear Javi and David’s voices, but they sound softer now. Less angry. She doesn’t look though, doesn’t break her eye contact with Gabe.

“Are you feeling any better?” she asks, searching for his body’s answer before he can even open his mouth.

“Yeah,” he breathes out after a moment, disentangling himself from Kate. “Yeah. I’m…okay.”

“Good,” she says with a smile, allowing Gabe to move to where his dad and uncle are speaking.

Before she can get up and follow him, Kate mouths a silent, “Thank you.”

Clementine nods and walks to the brothers. The first thing to catch her eye, though, is how Gabe clutches his uncle’s arm despite the look of concern directed to his father.

“We need to go before it’s too late, mi hijo,” David says, eyes soft despite his hard expression.

“I’ve changed my mind, Dad,” she hears Gabe answering. “I-I want to stay with Javi, here. I want you to stay with us, too.”

“There’s no place for me in this city,” David whispers with what looks like a scoff. His hurt is evident to her, though. “No place for me in the family either, as it seems.”

“Bullshit!” Javi exclaims almost angrily, defensively. “You said it yourself, David. We’re together again. All of us. Isn’t this something that deserves a chance? Doesn’t our family deserve another chance?”

“And how exactly do I fit in your perfect family, Javier? When you’re sleeping with my wife?”

“It’s…it’s not like that. We…I…it’s hard to explain. We thought you died, mourned you for years. And it...we didn’t plan for it. I fell in love. That’s…that’s the truth.”

Clementine feels bad for them, feels like she’s eavesdropping on something important. A family moment. Brotherly moment. But then again, Gabe can also hear their every word. Kate as well.

David clutches his head with both hands, shoulder forgotten for now. “I…it’s too much, Javier. My head can’t process everything.”

“Just stay with us. Please. We…we are family, despite everything.”

She feels pity for David then, and decides to intervene and give him at least more time to think.

“Look,” she starts, “we need to move first. The walkers are close, and staying here is doing us no favors. I say we go outside, get on the bulldozer and help Richmond.”

“I’m with Clementine,” Kate announces—as Clem predicted, really. Though Kate’s eyes are so, so aware. She looks like she knows exactly why Clem said that the moment she did. “Richmond needs our help—and I’m going to do my best to fix what we did to them.”

“I won’t leave you two,” Javi says, face hard and defiant. “If you want to stay, then that’s what I’ll do, too.”

Kate beams at him, but Clementine focuses on waiting for David’s reaction. Whatever he does and says will influence Gabe’s decision—no matter what her friend says, she knows that he won’t be able to leave his father. She can understand, respect that. If Lee was here, she would stick with him no matter what.

“I still don’t think there’s anything for me here,” David starts, eyes solemnly focused in Gabe alone. “But I…I’ll do whatever Gabriel wants.”

Everyone turns to stare at Gabe expectantly, and Clementine holds her breath.

“I…I…” Gabe shakes his head, looking overwhelmed with the amount of attention he’s receiving. He decides to look at her and smiles softly. “I’m with Clem, then.”

The returning smile that breaks free in her face is instantaneous and a bit unexpected, but she doesn’t fight it. Instead, she nods victoriously to him.

“Alright,” David says in a defeated voice before anyone can. “But after we’re done here—and if we don’t die, which I think we all will—I’ll be gone. Won’t stay in Richmond.”

“But, Dad—”

“You will not discuss with me, Gabriel.”

“Brother, we can think this through first—”

“You will not discuss with me either,” David cuts Javi off angrily.

Kate seethes in her place near Clementine, her arms crossing over her chest. “Okay, David. We get it. You want to be a martyr, make we all the bad guys. You’re free to do that. But none of us want to hear your self-deprecating bullshit right now!”

“Kate!” Gabe exclaims, always ready to defend his father.

“No, Gabe. You know it’s true. He wants us all to feel bad about our actions, but what excuse he has? We were on our own for years. And before that? Before the muertos? He never cared about us!”

“You have no right—”

“But I do, David! I was married to you, remember?” Angrily, she takes off her wedding ring and throws it at him. “Well, good news. I’m not anymore. You can have your ring back. I don’t care. All I do care about is that you will not treat us like your shitty soldiers.”

His eyes narrow. “Are you threatening me?”

“That’s enough!” Clementine says, pulling both adults away to grab the AKs on the locket. She keeps one to herself and gives Javi the other. “Are we going outside or not?”

Javi jumps at the opportunity to break up the fight—at least for now—and moves to their exit. “Let’s go,” he says.

“Wait, what if I need to shoot one of the muertos?” Gabe asks, eyes jumping from one AK to the other.

Clementine smiles and offers him her old gun. “You can have my pistol.”

“I’ll drive,” Kate says, moving to stand beside Javi. “If that’s alright?”

Javi squeezes her hand. “Of course. Your driving skills are definitely dangerous to every walker around,” he says playfully, to which both she and Clem roll their eyes.

“I’ll go on the motorbike, make sure the path stays clear,” David says, eyes still as narrow as slits. When he stops near Kate, he hisses, “This talk isn’t over yet.”

While he doesn’t say anything—probably afraid to keep the fight going on for longer than necessary—Javi answers his brother’s threatening tone by snaking one arm around Kate’s waist.

“Are you ready?” Clem asks Gabe before they open the door.

He shudders. “Not really, but…we can do it together. Right?”

“Right,” she says with a smile. “They won’t hurt any of us. But, you know…it’s okay to be scared. I’m pretty scared.”

“Really?” His eyes shine—though she can’t decipher which emotion is there. “I…I…I’m going to tough for us, then.”

She smiles, her hand itching to touch his for a moment—to offer any sort of comfort. Jane liked to touch her shoulder when she needed comfort, maybe that’s something Clementine picked up. But even then, she doesn’t touch him. Doesn’t know why either, but has no time to dwell on that.

“Everyone ready?” Javi calls. When he receives a flurry of nods, he opens the doors and they start shooting.

In the end, it turns out that everyone can cooperate despite their differences. They seal the breach that’s allowing the walkers to pool inside Richmond, and start cleaning the city as best as they can.

Three days later, things start looking better—at least, it looks way better than many things Clem has seen before. People decide to hold some sort of memorial for everyone that died trying to help—even Conrad is honored there, much to Clementine’s chagrin. They glue pictures of the fallen in one of the walls in the church, and it’s…beautiful. Clementine wishes she still had that picture of Lee—or that drawn of Duck, Katjaa and Kenny.

She fingers her cap while thinking about them, those she lost many years ago. So many people. She doesn’t have enough fingers and toes to count them—and doesn’t have anything to remember them by. It…hurts. Makes something inside her heart shatter. How is it possible, that every single person cares about ends up dead?

Or worse—ends up as a walker. Luke is probably a walker now, deep down in those waters. Kenny, too. She didn’t find it in herself to shoot his head, and that means he probably turned. And then…then there’s Jane. She couldn’t shoot Jane either. And…and there was Omid. Neither she nor Christa could shoot him.

The only walker who once was someone she knew that she ever managed to put down was Lee, and that was because he begged her to do it.

Clementine barely feels the tears running down her cheeks as she hugs the cap her dad gifted her with, so long ago.

A hand on her shoulder makes she jump and reach for her gun—only to find the pistol is gone. With her heartbeat frantic, she spins around.

Only to find it’s Javi, with an apologetic smile plastered all over his face.

“Sorry,” he whispers. “I kinda forget how jumpy people are these days.”

She nods slowly, willing her heart to calm down. It’s okay, it’s okay. Walkers are gone for now.

“Did something happen?” she manages to ask after a few moments.

“No, nothing,” Javi says with a small frown. “Just…worried about you, Clem.”

“I’m fine,” she answers, the back of her hands running over her cheeks.

“You were crying, Clem. It…it’s okay to…you know…feel sad. You can speak with me, if you want. I mean, I know we don’t know each other for that long…but I like you. And I hope…the feeling is mutual.”

She smiles a little at him. “I like you too, Javi. I was just…thinking about things I can’t change.”

“Oh.” His eyes drop to the photos on the wall, and he sighs. “I’m sorry. I…”

“It’s alright,” she says, waving him off. “I was just thinking that I wish I had photos of everyone I met, you know? Or at least something to remember them.”

“But you have something,” he answers, hand flying to touch her forehead first and then moving to her heart. “You have memories. Good memories, right? No one can ever take that from you.”

“But…but pictures would be so much better…”

“You still love them, don’t you? That won’t change, Clem. With or without pictures, your love for them—and their love for you, I’m sure—will always be there.”

“It’s just hard,” she whispers, not really fighting the tears now. “I miss everyone so…so much.”

“I know. But still, cling to the good memories. I know that’s not going to be enough sometimes, but…but never forget to remember. My family always said that while we still remember those who are gone, they’ll find a way to live.”

She nods. “Okay.”

“Now, I think Gabe’s looking for you. He was by the town square with Kate last time I saw him.”

“Really? I didn’t get to speak with him these last days,” she says with a sigh.

“Yeah, I think that’s exactly why he wanted to see you. Little guy has the biggest crush on you, Clem. But don’t tell him I said that, alright?” Javi winks, his playful mood back full force. Sometimes she thinks he’s more of a kid than AJ ever were. But either way, her face goes hot at Javi’s words—much to her embarrassment. And the man doesn’t miss her now red-colored cheeks. “Oh! Oh. You have a crush on him too! Aww, Clem. You guys have my blessing.”

She shoulders past him a little more roughly than necessary—though he still seems to find it funny, since all it does is make Javi chuckle louder. “You keep talking, and I’m going to find something to stab you with,” she warns with an almost-serious glare.

“Awww, Clem,” he repeats, still smiling from ear to ear. “That’s kinda cute, you know? I really hope you two get together one day. Like I said, you have my blessing. Probably have Kate’s, too.”

“It’s not…it’s not like that, Javi,” she insists, shaking her head in hopes that her hair can cover part of her flaming cheeks. “You know things are always more complicated than that.”

“It’s only complicated if you make it complicated,” he says. “Plus it’s obvious you guys feel something. What can be wrong in exploring it?”

“Javi…”

“The sooner you admit it, the sooner you’ll stop feeling embarrassed about it,” he almost sings it, and oh my God, is this what it feels like to have an older brother? If that’s it, then she’s glad her parents only had her.

Groaning, she makes her way out of the church, away from Javi’s sight and teasing. She just hopes she can manage to calm down enough before she finds Gabe. If she appears with her face as red as that, he’ll start thinking the wrong sort of thing.

“Hey, Clem!” She spins around to find both Gabe and Kate waving excitedly at her. Rubbing her cheeks, she makes her way to them.

“How are you, sweet?” Kate asks with a polite smile. “I…I hope things have been less…difficult for you now…”

“I’m fine,” she answers with a nod—more to reassure herself than Kate, though. She is fine. Have been through so much already, there’s no reason she won’t get over this. “How are you guys?”

“Honestly as good as we can,” Kate says. “Still shaken up about everything that happened here…but I think it’s going to get better now. Right?”

She’s about to answer when Gabe coughs and nudges Kate with his foot. “Hey Kate, isn’t that Javi? I think he’s calling you,” he says.

“Oh, yeah?” Kate looks around before shrugging. “Better check what he wants then. See you later, Clem.”

“Javi’s still inside the church,” Clementine says with a disapproving shake of her head once Kate is out of earshot.

Gabe shrugs—though his cheeks color a little. “Well, yeah, but Kate doesn’t know that. She needs to give me a break. I mean, I love her. But I need to breathe, too.”

“She’s just worried more walkers will appear, I guess.”

“I think I proved to her already that I can take care of myself around the muertos…uh, walkers? Whatever,” he says with a proud puffing of his chest.

“Hmm.”

“So…”

“Yeah.”

“I mean, I…kinda…didn’t see you around since we sealed the breach,” he blurts out after staring at his feet for a long moment.

Clementine sighs. “Yeah,” she repeats. “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry. I was just…I needed some time to think. Put my thoughts back in their place.”

“Is there…something I can do to help?”

“Unless you have a camera?” She snorts. “Sorry. I’ve been thinking about cameras a lot, ever since people started putting photos on the church.”

“Well, I know that’s not something that will really help, but we could…search for a camera in the town. And take photos of each other, just in case. You know?”

It’s such a great idea—she’d love to have photos of him, Javi, Kate, everyone possible. Anything to help her remember their faces. It’s tough to get to terms with the fact that she almost can’t remember how Lee looked, sounded, any longer.

But—

“You honestly think we’ll find a camera, just like that? Lying around?” she asks with her shoulders slumping down.

Gabe nudges her feet like he did with Kate before. “I think that we won’t know if we don’t try.”

“But there’re tons of useful things we could do instead, things to actually help the town,” she insists—though she really really really wants to search for that camera.

“Okay, so what about this—we search today, and if we don’t find anything, we help the town?”

“This sounds like something I can live with.”

“Great! Where do you want to start?”

It takes them five hours of constant searching, but they find a polaroid in one of the abandoned houses—though making sure to never venture too far into places people aren’t around. But a working polaroid? Completely worth the trouble.

“Smile!” Gabe exclaims before she feels like she’s gone completely blind by the flash of the camera. “Oops. Hit the button too soon.”

He shows her the photo and she grimaces. Her hair is mess—she needs to seriously consider a haircut soon—her face is dirty and she’s frowning to something the camera couldn’t see.

“It’s really awful,” she says with a chuckle, staring at the picture before giving it back to Gabe. “Maybe you could take another?”

He nods excitedly and points the camera to her again. “Ready?”

She tries to remember how she used to pose for photos, how to smile properly, where to actually look. But she doesn’t remember any of that—and supposes it doesn’t really matter, since they are taking the photos for themselves.

“Ready.”

The flash blinds her again, but this time she doesn’t blink until the photo is in Gabe’s hands. He offers it to her again, waiting for her inspection.

Her face and hair are still the same than before—and she looks slightly awkward, trying to pose—but she likes the photo.

“It’s good, I guess,” she says with a smile, though she still gives it back to Gabe. “You want to keep it? So you never forget me.”

“I doubt anyone can ever forget you,” he mutters, probably not meaning for her to hear. “Thanks, Clem.”

“Not so fast.” She grins, snatching the camera from him. “I need your photo now.”

He shrugs before trying an awkward—though sincere—smile and making the peace symbol with his left hand. She takes the photo and smiles at the result before showing it to Gabe.

“I like it,” she says. “Thanks for letting me have it. I…I wish I had pictures of everyone I met since the world…died.”

“No problem,” he answers with his cheeks pink. “You want to look for Javi and Kate to take their pictures, too?”

“Sure,” she says, getting up for the park bench they’re sitting. “They won’t mind, right?”

“I doubt it.”

They walk back to one of the houses near the church, where Javi and Kate and David are all staying with some other people—everyone doing their best to recover, rebuild the place.

But as soon as they get there, the first person they literally bump into—

Is David.

Clementine hides the polaroid with one hand and waves back to the park with the other. “I will…find something to do. See you later, Gabe,” she says in a hush, already starting to run.

“Clementine—wait,” David calls back, voice softer than she ever heard. And she stops. Doesn’t know what really compels her to do it, but she stops. But she barely looks at him, only looks over her shoulder for a second. “Can I…speak with you? Both of you?”

“I don’t think—” she starts saying, but he interrupts her with:

“I owe you an apology. You and Gabriel. I…I had no right…what I did before…I wasn’t thinking. I need to apologize.”

She sighs, though she does turn around this time.

“You did what you thought was best,” she says. “Nothing more.”

“Still! Can’t you just let a man apologize?”

“Dad, we understand—”

“No,” David cuts Gabe off with an angry look—though it’s not directed to either of them. “No, Gabriel. If you really understand, then you shouldn’t. Because I don’t. What I know is that this world is living through a war that won’t end—we all know it won’t. And that…that made me think. I want to become a better man, but maybe that’s just not possible. Maybe this world is…where I should be. So I wanted to apologize to both of you—for everything—before I leave.”

“What?” Gabe and Clementine ask at the same time—though Gabe sounds more shocked. When he remains silent, just staring at his father, Clem continues, “Leaving now is what a coward would do, David. And I know you’re many things—but a coward? I didn’t peg you as one.”

He scoffs back at her, arms crossed over his chest.

“You can’t leave!” Gabe insists. “We just…we just found each other, Dad. You can’t leave now.”

“You know, Gabe, when you were born, Pa told me something,” David says, dropping to his knees in front of his son. “He said that it takes everything in us to raise a child—not money or patience, but everything. And now I understand…that I never did that with you or Mari, never was good enough.”

“This is stupid—”

“Listen to me, Gabe. I’m telling you that it…it’s alright. I wasn’t enough. But Javi and Kate? They were. They raised you. I can…understand that. And accept it.”

“But I need you too!”

“And I thank you for saying that, mi hijo. Loyalty is important in this life—and especially in this world. But—”

“David, shut up for a minute,” Clementine interrupts him, hands on her hips. “You listen to me now. When Richmond is safe again, I’m going to go out there and look for AJ. And I’ll bring him back here, and we’ll keep him safe. And…you told me you took care of him for as long as I did. Right? Don’t you think…don’t you think that he’d be happy to see you here, when we come back?”

She doesn’t know where that comes from—doesn’t particularly like David yet—but the look of awe on Gabe’s face is more than worth it. And she thinks that it’s going to make Javi happy, too. And they’re her friends, took care of her. The least she can do is return the favor.

David looks really taken aback by her question, and stays silent for a long moment until he asks, “Do you think…do you honestly believe he’s even going to remember me?”

“We won’t know if you’re not here,” she says with a shrug.

He mulls it over, looks at her and then Gabe and then back at her. Then he nods. “Alright. I’ll stay for a while longer. But only until you bring AJ back.”

“Thanks, Dad,” Gabe says with a smile. When David leaves the building to do whatever he does with his time these days, Gabe smiles at her. “Thank you, too, Clem. I…I didn’t think it’d be possible to convince him to stay. He’s…having a hard with Kate and Javi being together. And I don’t know how to help him. Maybe…maybe AJ’ll help.”

She wastes no time and hugs him—super tightly, like she used to hug Lee, Luke, Kenny, Jane and every one of them.

“You help just by being here,” she tells him. “Never doubt it.”

He nods—though he doesn’t look all that sure about himself.

“Hey, what about looking for Javi and Kate now, getting pictures of them?” she asks, trying to lighten his mood. “Then we can play euchre. Right?”

“No, Clem, wait.” Gabe grabs her hand to stop her from moving. “I…I want to go with you. Looking for AJ. If that’s going to help my dad in the end, then I want to go. And I want to go just to help you, too. I-I mean…I know you’re tough and can take care of yourself, but I-I want to help. And I want to meet AJ.”

She pauses, looking down at his hand in hers. “Are you sure? I don’t even know where to start looking, and the walkers…they are going to be everywhere.”

“I’m sure, Clem. I want to be there.”

“Then…it’s okay. We’ll go.”

[cinephiled-com]

New Post has been published on Cinephiled

New Post has been published on http://www.cinephiled.com/interview-thomas-sadoski-shirley-maclaine-ageism-hollywood-last-word/

Interview: Thomas Sadoski on Shirley MacLaine, Ageism in Hollywood, and ‘The Last Word’

In Mark Pellington’s The Last Word, Oscar winner Shirley MacLaine plays Harriet Lauler, a once successful businesswoman in tight control of every aspect of her life. As she reflects upon her accomplishments, she’s suddenly inspired to engage a young local writer, Anne Sherman (Amanda Seyfried), to pen her obituary before the fact. When the initial result doesn’t meet Harriet’s expectations, she sets out to reshape the way she is remembered, with Anne dragged along as an unwilling accomplice. As the journey unfolds, the two women develop a unique bond which alters not only Harriet’s legacy, but also Anne’s future. In one of the film’s surprising developments, Harriet gets a job as a DJ on the radio where she impresses the music-loving station manager (Thomas Sadoski) with her expertise. The Last Word also stars Anne Heche and AnnJewel Lee Dixon. I sat down with Sadoski (The Newsroom, Life in Pieces) to discuss what it was like working with the talented and formidable MacLaine.

Danny Miller: I have to say what a thrill it was for me, being a classic movie lover, to see Shirley MacLaine back in a true starring role that is worthy of her talents.

Thomas Sadoski: Absolutely! It was amazing working with her — when you’re in the presence of true greatness, you know it. My God, she is special.

Do have a favorite Shirley MacLaine film?

I mean, how can you even choose? The Apartment, Sweet Charity, Terms of Endearment, Steel Magnolias, I couldn’t possibly pick a favorite, it’s non-stop with her. If I started down that road, I’d starting going “Oh, but wait…oh, but wait!” And all of that history walks into the room with her.

I always got the impression from MacLaine that she is not someone who suffers fools —

AT ALL! She’s definitely a commanding force on set but she’s earned that. And the thing is, why should ANY of us suffer fools gladly? Isn’t that how we ended up in our current political situation? We’ve been suffering fools for a while now instead of saying, “Oh, that’s just dumb, let’s move on.”

What do you think you most learned from working with Shirley MacLaine?

Shirley is very self-possessed. It’s an extraordinary thing to witness and I learned so much from her because of it. There’s something so great about her attitude of “Life is too short to waste time on this, let’s talk about something else.”

Even though Hollywood still worships the youth culture, I have to say it’s been exciting to see people from MacLaine’s generation get more juicy roles lately. Like Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin starring in Grace and Frankie, it’s a good sign!

Yes, goddammit, let’s bring out Jane and Lily and Shirley while we have them, let’s get every last bit of artistic exploration that these people can give us, why would we waste that opportunity?

I go nuts whenever I hear movie executives talking about that coveted 18-24 demographic — and the implication that such people never want to see older actors in important roles, it’s ridiculous.

I agree, and I don’t think it’s ever been true. Except for the fucking MBA asshole graduates from the Wharton School of Business who took over the studios. I miss the David O. Selznicks of the world who understood that audiences appreciate quality. When it all becomes a bean counting game, the opportunities for great people to do great work evaporates.

And yet that kind of thinking still exists — as if young people can’t bear to look at anyone over 40 on the screen.

I never understood that crap either. When I was 18 years old, the actors that I looked up to artistically, the actors I knew that were going to give me extraordinary performances were people like Spencer Tracy, Katharine Hepburn, Shirley MacLaine — I was watching the movies that they had made. I was a huge fan of Jimmy Stewart, Cary Grant, Marlene Dietrich, these were the people I wanted to watch even if they were no longer getting opportunities. The closest thing I was seeing in my own generation were people like Daniel Day-Lewis and Meryl Streep, and occasionally when they would “allow” people like Shirley to star in a film it would be really special. I didn’t give two shits about going to see movies starring people my age.

At least that ageism is somewhat better on the stage where you’ve done so much great work. Have you had the chance to work with some of the greats from past generations?

Yes, so many wonderful actors. Stockard Channing, Linda Lavin, Lois Smith who is just an extraordinary creature of the theater. Then you go back and say, “Oh, there she is in Rebel Without a Cause!” I’ve worked with a lot of them and I loved every second of it, I was in heaven doing that stuff, these are extraordinary people who have a hell of a lot of stories to tell and they do it brilliantly. Being onstage with Stockard and Linda going toe-to-toe with each other during Other Desert Cities was the highlight of my career. And then Stacy Keach would wander in every once in a while and also be incredible.

Was it Amanda Seyfried who brought you onto this film?

Yes! Someone else was supposed to do it originally but he had to pull out at the last minute, right before they were supposed to start shooting. I happened to be in L. A. working on my series and Amanda said, “Tommy’s here, let’s just get him for that part,” and they were like, “Oh yeah, that guy from The Newsroom?” so they called me up and asked if I could make it happen with my schedule. I jumped on board.

Does playing the manager of this radio station who is so knowledgeable about music fit your profile in real life?

A little, but I think I have yet to do the role that is really close to who I am. If ever do that, it will probably be in the theater and something from the Tennessee Williams or Eugene O’Neil world!

Oh, interesting! Do you have one of their plays in mind when you say that?

Well, Alison Pill and I just did a staged reading of Williams’ A Night of the Iguana at the Pasadena Playhouse a few nights ago and it has been a lifetime goal of mine to get my mouth around those words. It was every bit as frustrating and inspiring and challenging as I thought it would be. Good God, could that man could write! That’s the kind of stuff I most want to do.

You’ve done such great work on the stage and in small, quirky films. Were you surprised to find yourself in a network sitcom?

Yes! I want to be doing independent film and theater that pushes the boundaries, things that are honest human experiences. But then somebody said, “Hey, have you ever considered doing a half-hour comedy on CBS?” I never had, but I was getting very sick of hearing things like, “Well, the director and writer love you but the studio says you’re not famous enough so we can’t hire you.” I was so fucking sick of that horrible cycle and I thought, “How do you get beyond that?” So I took a look at the script for Life in Pieces and thought it was really funny. Then they said Dianne Wiest and James Brolin will play your parents,” and I said, “Holy shit, what am I waiting for?” I never thought I could do something like this so it was a real challenge. And I’m learning a lot from those people.

Everything you do, including that series The Slap and that amazing Sarah Silverman film, I Smile Back, always rings so true. I hope you get a chance to do a full production of that Tennessee Williams play.

You and me both, my friend, you and me both!

[there-willbeblood]

Chapter 18: Chaos & Order in Russia

Graphic descriptions of violence in this chapter.

STEVE’S POV

I folded my last collared shirt and put it in my suitcase before going over my clothes one more time. Everything was exactly as I wanted it, with neat rows of shirts, pants, underwear, socks, belts, shoes and toiletries.

I hated packing and I loved it. It was one of the small things that kept me sane in this crazy world.

I sat next to my gigantic, open suitcase on my bed and let out a deep breath.

It had been five days since that disastrous dinner at my parents' house. My brothers, Joseph and I were supposed to go to Russia on Tuesday but our trip was delayed because my father had some other matters to attend to so it was pushed back a couple of days.

Since I actually had free time, I was able to see Natalia more than I thought I would and that put me in a better mood.

As of now, Joseph and I weren't speaking.

After I dropped Natalia off at her dorm on Sunday, I did a little driving before I went back to my parents' house and pretty much had a two hour screaming match at my father for treating Natalia so horribly. We had disagreed before on things but it was never as bad as it had gotten when I stormed into his office. I was livid that he made her feel like shit and I knew that he was going to act that way but it still pissed me off.

For the first hour, he just sat there and listened to my rants but then stood and gave me the 'I'm looking out for your future' speech. Natalia was the first girl I had ever brought home and I should have waited longer than one day to let her meet my parents. Sarah was fine and more infatuated with Natalia than I was but Joseph seemed to think that this was another one of my sexual flings that was going to go by the wayside.

Maybe I was just jaded but I couldn't really see his argument very clearly. Joseph was being a jackass and I had never outright defied him before so even I was kind of shocked when I told him that I wasn't following his orders to stop seeing Natalia. I walked out while he was talking and that was the last time I had said one word to him.

Could that day have gotten any worse?

Not only was I mad at my father but I had to watch Natalia the whole time like a hawk. I needed to know that she was alright around my family.

I knew on Saturday, that Natalia would probably be coming with me to church but I didn't want to warn her or she might flake out. What I wasn't planning on was being such a wimp about her meeting Joseph. Like I told her, he was dangerous and could be quite scary if he wanted to be.

Thor was texting me throughout the entire service, telling me to man up and just take the plunge. Easy for him to say when his girlfriend was a half Italian, Catholic, piano prodigy who actually worked for my father. Thor and Jane were set. Bucky and Wanda were set.

Natalia and I…not so much.

Dinner was going well up to a point and my father behaved although I could tell that he didn't like Natalia. Whether his reasoning was just or not was still to be determined but that was beside the point.

Of course, I had to deal with some things after dinner and Joseph usually made it a point to not deal with crime things on Sunday but we couldn't help it. We had an execution to complete and just finished the fucker off in the woods behind the house. No one would mind.

My father and I saw each other throughout the week and Sarah tried to force us back on good terms but I didn't care. I wasn't going to do what he wanted just because he didn't like Natalia. That wasn't my problem. Everyone else loved her, minus Jane but she was a major bitch anyway so I didn't really expect her to.

My father on the other hand, I thought would at least have some composure but instead, he interrogated Natalia like she was on death row.

He wouldn't tell me what he asked her about but I got the general idea from Natalia when I took her out to dinner the next night. She told me that she was terrified of him but held her ground pretty well, which I knew she would but it still made me mad.

I had never been so angry at my father before and I was about to rip my hair out from just looking at him but I thankfully had Natalia to keep me calm. Since she was in school, it wasn't like we could spend all day together but I had her all to myself during the nights. I would literally scratch my skin until five in the afternoon when I could speed to her dorm to pick her up for dinner.

We went to Carmel with Wanda and Bucky a couple of times, I took her to some of my favorite places around the city and one night, she just wanted to sit in her dorm and eat pizza so that's what we did. I was still hesitant to even step foot in that shit hole but I kept my mouth shut.

I still didn't know how to be a boyfriend and all of this was very new to me but Natalia was patient. What surprised me the most about Natalia was that she didn't put up with any of my bullshit. I knew I had a short temper and on several occasions I blew up, not necessarily at her but I couldn't help myself when waiters spilled shit in my lap or when men eyed Natalia up with lustful glances.

It was a wonder that I hadn't killed anybody this week.

I quickly found out that Natalia was the best part of my day. She made me actually laugh and I was able to let my guard down with her although I had to put it right back up when people came around. I was still trying to learn how to walk the line between a complete psychotic killer and a man who was totally obsessed with a woman. They were two separate characters but Natalia knew how to handle them both.

Now, five days later, I was just getting used to the fact that she was eighteen. Natalia was eighteen.

I had to say it to myself fifty times a minute until I got it through my head. How the hell did I end up in this situation? She seemed so much older. How could she be eighteen? There were seven years between us and that was highly unacceptable in some of the circles I ran in. If I was forty and she thirty-three, then fine. If I was twenty seven and she was twenty-once, like Wanda and Bucky, then fine. That would have been okay but Natalia was barely legal.

I had to convince myself that nothing was out of the ordinary because I was already getting a wall of shit from my father, I didn't need anything else to rip me from Natalia. She kept asking me if I was mad at her for deceiving me with her age but the truth was, it didn't matter to me. Yes, it looked bad that I was basically fucking a child but what was I going to do about it?

After that initial shock, I dropped her off at her dorm and just drove for hours.

I came to a realization that I was trying to find ways of ending my relationship with Natalia. I wasn't mature enough to handle this and I was trying to sabotage it. That's when I realized that no matter how hard I wanted to pull away from her, Natalia had a gravitational pull that I would never understand.

I had to let myself go completely for the first time in my life and just ride the wave that she took me on. I was also more determined to keep what Natalia and I had intact. I could be my own worst enemy in all of this and I wasn't going to let outside influences tear us apart whether that be my father, the age difference, or whatever else. I was stronger than that.

That being said, Natalia and I didn't really bring up the age thing because it was just a little too awkward right now.

I still hadn't gotten tested yet like Natalia want me to because I couldn't find the time but that still didn't mean I had to keep Natalia from experiencing the pleasure of my tongue or fingers.

That one night when she wanted to eat pizza in her dorm, I wormed my way into pussy. From the noises she was making and the way she was gripping my hair, I knew I had given her the most intense orgasm of her life. It was my fingers at the beginning of the night and my tongue right before I left. I couldn't wait to dive into her fully again but that had to wait until I got back from Russia.

This was going to be a rough couple of days without seeing Natalia and I felt completely pussy whipped. I planned on leaving her dorm last night so that I could come home and pack but she basically begged me to stay since we weren't going to see each other for several days. I suddenly realized that Natalia was dangerous.

She gave me "that look" and I couldn't deny her anything. I crumbled and stayed the night, not even realizing that I had other things to do. She probably had the ability to control people's minds. That's how she got her hooks into me but I didn't mind it.

Even though I was mad at my father for being a fucker, I watched the way he was around Sarah and figured out that I didn't have to shut myself off from Natalia just because I was a treacherous monster. Joseph loved Sarah more than anything in this world and he might be a bastard to everyone outside of the family but he knew how to separate the two worlds. I needed to learn how to do that.

I still hadn't told Natalia one thing about this life that I lived and I didn't plan to for a very long time. That's why I wasn't mad at her for keeping her true age from me. That wasn't anything compared to the crap I had under my hat. My original plan was to scare her away. That didn't work too well because Natalia was tough shit and my attitudes or blow ups wouldn't make her falter so I gave up.

At this point, I didn't really want her to leave. I hoped that if we were deep into whatever we developed, she would be able to look past my faults. Sarah had, Jane had, would Natalia? I prayed that she would. The truth was, Natalia and I were already deep. Five days into our fucked up relationship and I felt like we had been dating for years. I had fucked her once, given her three orgasms, spent nights over her dorm and I was completely lost to the world.

I didn't notice until Thor pointed it out but I hadn't gotten high since meeting Natalia and that was unheard of. I had basically been in a constant state of inebriation since I was fifteen. I had even tried to cut out drinking since I learned that Natalia was eighteen. I was slightly mad at her for drinking alcohol while around me this whole time because I was already living in so much sin and had a rap sheet that would put the devil to shame, I didn't need the police on my ass for serving alcohol to a minor.

Natalia would always pout when I took the wine from her or ordered her a soda instead of a Blue Mountain but she was going to have to get over that. I didn't want to tempt her when she was around me so I tried ordering boring stuff. I actually spit out some horrible shit at dinner a couple nights ago and Natalia laughed at me. She gave me permission to dink around her so I took that to its full advantage. I didn't get drunk of course but I enjoyed some strong stuff a couple of times.

In any case, I was going to miss Natalia even if it was for a couple of days. I wasn't afraid to admit it.

I woke up this morning, not wanting to leave her room but I had to go. I promised that I would be back in a few days and she gave me an end all kiss that I almost used to convince myself to stay but I had to go, as much as I didn't want to. We said our goodbyes and I was going to call her every night.

Maybe this boyfriend stuff wouldn't be so hard after all.

I hated that she was able to control me like this but on some level, it was alright with me. I was normal for the first time ever. Of course, I still had to smash heads on the side but Natalia was quickly becoming a big part of my life.

I sighed heavily and looked around my room for something to clean while I waited.

I snapped my fingers and remembered that Thor had spilled a beer the other night on the kitchen floor and I had done a quick clean but not a thorough one. I jumped off of my bed and went to the bathroom sink where I kept the sanitizer bucket.

I filled it with scalding water, detergent and Clorox before taking it into the kitchen with a washcloth. It might seem overly dramatic to clean a stain with sanitizer like it was mold but if I didn't, I would feel dirty. At least I didn't rip the flooring up like I was tempted to do.

I took off my black, Armani leather jacket and laid it gently on the counter before rolling up the sleeves of my white shirt. I got some yellow gloves out from the cabinet and snapped them onto my hands. I made sure to keep my crisp pants away from the spot near the fridge as I began to polish.

It took me ten minutes of good, hard cleaning to get the stain up although it was gone after the first couple of wipes. I just had to make sure so I kept scrubbing. Since I was already on the floor, I decided to just clean the whole thing and it took me another half an hour until my floors sparkled.

I didn't mind cleaning for myself but anyone else could do their own shit. I wasn't a maid although the OCD in me made it hard to watch things get soiled.

I stood up and appraised my hard work before dumping the now dirty liquid into the sink and letting it dry upside down. I put everything back where it was supposed to go and then sat on my bed again, at a loss of what to do now.

As if it knew my boredom was creeping up, the house phone rang and I rolled over the sheets to reach it, "Hello?"

"Mr. Rogers, your ride is here."

"Thank you. I'll be down in a minute." I hung up the phone and jumped off of the bed, checking my room to make sure I had everything I needed.

I zipped up my suitcase and put on a coat, my sunglasses and watch. I made sure I had my messenger bag with my laptop in it and then turned off all the lights.

I locked up, dragging my carrier behind me as I went into the elevator downstairs. The doors dinged and I stepped out into the lobby of the building.

My suitcase rolled as I walked outside and met Shaun. He was a tall, heavily built man of about fifty who had been a private driver for me since I was young. He took me to school for years and was basically a part of my family. Today he wore a nice suit complete with sunglasses and a driver's hat.

"Hello, Mr. Rogers. Can I help you with that?" He took my bag from me and put it in the trunk, "I hear you and the boys are heading off to Moscow?"

"Yes." I nodded. "Family matters."

"Of course, I understand." He answered, knowing all about out underground dealings. He had learned over all these years to never get too involved in things.

I got in the back of the black town car and five seconds later, Shaun was speeding off down the crowded streets on our way to Palwaukee Airport, which was the place where private planes left the Chicago area.

On the way, I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. I pulled it out and saw Natalia's name flashing on the screen.

Good luck.

I quickly typed back a reply.

Good luck on what?

Your business trip. I expect you to sell lots of houses!

Oh, right. I'll bring you home a souvenir.

I want one of those dolls, that fit inside of another doll, and then another doll, and then another doll…

Got it.

I'll miss you.

I didn't know how to respond to that and I looked at my phone for at least ten minutes, wondering what to do. Would I miss Natalia? Of course I would and I could admit that to myself but would she think I was weak?

I took a chance.

I'll miss you too.

I waited for a reply but nothing came.

I had to stop over thinking this or I was going to go crazy. It was only a few days but I felt like I was going off to war or something.

It took about forty-five minutes to arrive at Palwaukee and Shaun had to flash a badge to pass by security. He drove onto the runway in the back where a private hanger held small jets that were owned by the rich. Of course, my father had two. I hadn't flown commercial in probably fifteen years.

Yeah, I was spoiled.

I got out of the car and went around back to get my bags.

"Hope you have a pleasant trip, sir." Shaun said.

"Thank you." I shook his hand and then went to go join Joseph, Sarah and Thor who were already waiting near the entrance to the hanger.

"Steve, finally. What took you so long?" Thor thundered.

"I had things to do this morning." I hugged my mother and completely ignored my father, "What are you doing here, Ma?"

"I want to come with you all. I haven't been to Moscow in years." She said excitedly.

"I told you that this wasn't going to be a very pleasant trip, sweetheart." Joseph had an arm around her waist.

"I know but I can stay in the townhouse. I don't care."

"Where's Buck?" I asked, looking around.

"Right here!" I heard him yell and turned around. He was carrying, dragging, two massive suitcases, and it looked like he was pulling boulders.

"What the hell is all of this?" Thor raised his eyebrow.

"Wanda packed for me." Bucky was panting by the time he reached the group, "She said I needed help in picking out my outfits."

"Okay..." I said more like a question.

"Don't say anything." He pointed at me, "I'm whipped but I don't care."

I guess he was taking this new way of life better than me. The only problem was that Bucky had been with women before and more than just one night. He had some girlfriends that actually lasted years although he was always distant with them because of our line of work. At least he had experience.

We talked amongst ourselves, me still ignoring Joseph, until the jet pulled through the hanger and stopped in front of us.

The plane was a large sized, Gulfstream G550/GV. It sat fifteen, had the ability to travel up to five hundred and sixty miles an hour and was built for supreme luxury.

A crew dressed in neatly pressed suits took our bags and the white steps to the plane descended so that we could all get on.

The best thing about flying private was that we could do anything we wanted. No lines, no waiting, no screaming children but most importantly, no security. I literally walked on board with a Browning stuffed down my pants.

The whole plane was very stylish, embellished in warm wood and earth tones. Plush chairs and couches lined the walls, cream carpets were on the floor, there were two bathrooms, two sleeping cabins, TVs, outlets for electronics, a full service galley and circular windows that provided lots of light.

"I hate Russia." Thor grumbled as he buckled himself into his seat. We were in the four that were facing each other with me sitting next to Bucky, across from Thor. I didn't want to be in my father's eye line. Sarah spread out on the couch, reading her magazine.

"We can go to the Smirnoff factory again." Bucky had a look of pure joy on his face.

"I already have my list." I smirked. "I ran out of vodka months ago."

The plane took off after we were all served a lunch of steak and vegetables. The plane was in the air smoothly like we were basically floating and by the time the seat belt sign dinged off, I was itching to get back to Natalia. This wasn't healthy.

Thor and Bucky went to walk around, watch TV, do whatever and Sarah came to occupy the seat next to Joseph. I read through a gun magazine and after an hour, the tension seemed to melt away like it was nothing. I could keep playing this game for years.

"You're not going to say anything to me?" My father asked when we were over Philadelphia. We had to make a stop to refuel in New York but after that, it was a straight shot to Moscow.

"No, I have nothing to say to you." I flipped a page in the magazine.

"Steve, stop being so childish." My mother said, "And Joseph, stop being so boorish."

"I have a right to protect my family."

"Oh right, because Natalia is such a big threat." I replied sarcastically.

"Steve, you don't know who she is. After I did the background check..."

"See, I’m going to stop you right there." I looked at him, "You had no right to look into her business. She isn't one of your clients that you can just dig into. She has nothing to hide and she doesn't deserve to be treated like shit from you."

"Language, Steve." My mother whispered.

"Do you know how old she is?" He sat calmly with his head tilted slightly.

"Yes, I know how old she is and I've gotten over that. I don't need you to jump into my life just because you don't like her."

"How old is she? Twenty-one, right?" Thor asked from down the plane.

"No son. Your brother is having sex with an eighteen year old girl." Joseph replied with a hint of anger in his voice.

"First, stay out of my business and second, we're not having sex, not for lack of trying on my part, but Natalia lives by some kind of moral code."

"Oh Steve..." My mother sighed, "Eighteen?"

"Yes, eighteen but what can I do about it?" I was getting angry now. "You need to stay out of my life." I pointed at my father.

"Your life is my life. Family over women, Steve."

"She is the only good thing around me these days. Between you breathing down my neck and everything else I put up with, I need normalcy and she's it." I snapped and went back to my magazine.

No one said a word as we flew into New York and when we touched down for an hour long break, I went outside to smoke.

Who the hell did my father think he was?

I was a twenty-five year old man. I could do whatever the fuck I wanted and I didn't need his permission. Of course that wasn't true but still.

In our world, my father was the be all and end all. He was known as the Capo di Tutti Capi or Boss of all Bosses. He basically ruled all crime activity dealing with Italians throughout the world. Out of the six major Italian mafia families, we were the highest on the chain and Joseph was God, if you will. He might rule everyone else but he didn't rule me.

I dropped my cigarette on the tarmac of the runway and pulled another one out of my pocket, lighting it easily. I drew in a breath and let out a calming puff.

"Let me get one." Bucky said from next to me suddenly. I handed him the pack and he lit his quickly,

"So, you and Dad still not talking?"

"Oh, we're talking but as you can see, we're not on good terms."

"Obviously." He took a drag of the cigarette. "Do you know why he's so messed up over this?"

"No and I don't care. He should be happy that I'm happy or just shut the fuck up and let me live my life."

"He can't do that Steve."

"Why? He likes Jane, he basically fawned over Wanda for a week, why can't he accept Natalia? He made her feel like shit."

"It's just different for Thor and I and you know it."

"What are you talking about?" I pulled more smoke into my mouth and let it slowly.

"Come on, dude. You're the heir, the principe..." He said in Italian, "...he expects you take over."

"So, why can't I do that and still be happy?"

"He doesn't want you distracted. He's just trying to protect you."

It was times like these when I could see the age differences between my brother and I. Bucky was only two years older but was wise well beyond his years. Thor was three years older and as much as I hated to admit it, even he had a certain level of maturity that I didn't.

"Well he should have talked to me about this and not jump down her throat. She doesn't know what's going on and he didn't have to be such a jackass." I sulked.

"I know, but I'm just explaining things to you. He is doing what's best for the family."

"The family, what family?" I muttered under my breath.

We stayed in New York for another half an hour and by the time I got back on the plane, I was still pissed so I decided not to talk to Joseph, just like I had been doing.

I knew I was acting like a child but he had to understand that I could do what I pleased, within reason. I had a life outside of this one and I deserved to at least try to be normal.

The plane took off and we were in the air, cruising a couple minutes later.

I kept up my depressed facade and leaned back in my seat, pulling my ipod out. Natalia had copied her entire music library onto my computer so that I could listen to some of the stuff she had. I was more of an oldies type guy and hadn't put anything on my ipod that wasn't made before 2000. Natalia was more of a mellow rock type girl and I was surprised to learn that I like a lot of her music.

I took a nap that I didn't plan on being too long but when I woke up and checked my watch, I saw that four hours had passed. I stretched and looked around the cabin.

Thor and Bucky were furiously hitting buttons on the Xbox, trying to beat each other at some racing game, my father was going over business documents and I didn't see Sarah but I heard water running in the bathroom.

Joseph lifted his head, his eyes hidden behind half moon glasses when I woke up.

"Glad to see you're awake, sleeping beauty." He chuckled.

"Don't do that." I snarled. "Don't act like everything's fine."

He shrugged. "I just don't see what your problem is. I did what I thought was right."

"You don't see what my problem is? How about the fact that you basically scared the hell out of Natalia? She didn't deserve your attitude last Sunday."

"I didn't think it would matter. Once you get bored of her, you'll drop her just like every other woman." He said nonchalantly.

At this point, I was livid to a level of anger that I hadn't felt in a long time. I thought that I was a tiger, waiting to make his kill. I had to remind myself that this was my father or I would have blown his head off right there.

"You don't know anything about me. Ever since I turned thirteen, it's always been business with you."

Joseph took off his glasses and sighed. "Steve, this isn't a therapy session. You know I love you, I love all of you but you're different and you can't just be with anyone."

"Why not? I'll be with whoever I want."

"Do you really think you know her?" His eyes hardened. "Do you?"

"Yes, more so than you at least."

He reached in his briefcase and pulled out a folder, flipping it open. "Did you know that she had surgery when she was six to correct a bone in her hand that healed wrong after she broke it the year before?"

I kept my mouth shut.

"Did you know that her stepfather had a gambling debt that could buy me a new car? It's paid off now and he hasn't stepped into a casino since but you can't erase bank records."

I couldn't say anything.

"Did you know that her mother got pregnant last year but miscarried? I don't even think Natalia knows that."

I just glared and felt my lips press into a tight line.

"Thank God she has enough Italian in her to be legitimate. One eighth is more than enough to qualify but that doesn't cover up everything else."

"Are you kidding me? How can you love Jane like she's your daughter but treat Natalia so horribly?"

"Jane is like a daughter because Thor loves her."

"This is pathetic."

"Did you know that Natalia's father mortgaged his house to put her through college? And that's not even the best part. Did you know that said father is a cop? A cop, Steve!" He threw Natalia's background at me.

This provided an unforeseeable problem.

What was the chance that the girl I couldn't stay away from, had a father who was a cop?

"Not just a cop, Steve. He's the chief of freakin' police for that little podunk town in Washington. Could you have put us in a worse position?" He sat back in his seat, obviously proud of himself that he had stumped me.

I silently read over the pages he had and saw her father Nick’s impressive police career list. Not only was he the chief of fucking police but he was a part of the Department of Security in Washington state.

This was impossible. This must be some kind of punishment for all the shit I've done in the past. What the fuck was I going to do now?

If her father was police, then he would have heard the name Rogers. Everyone had heard the name Rogers. Had she talked about me with him? Had she mentioned anything? Had she told him about my father?

Holy shit! This was not good.

After I thought about it for a second, doubts started to creep into my head. Was she working for the police? Had she been sent to infiltrate me or something crazy like that? She seemed so nice and genuine. Was that all a lie?

No!

I knew it wasn't. I had more faith in her than that. I had more faith in us than that. Forget what the papers said. I knew what was real and I could tell when people were lying. Natalia didn't know about my life and even though her father might be a cop, that still didn't diminish that fact that I wanted to be in her presence at almost all hours of the day.

That being said, this was something that wasn't a push in the right direction. Maybe this was a sign, some kind of omen that things between Natalia and I wouldn't have an easy road. This was like a forbidden love, Romeo and Juliet mess that I had gotten myself into.

I was the son of a mob boss, she was the daughter of a police chief. How much more fucked up could we get?

"Family before anything else, Steve." Joseph said lowly. "Drop her now before anyone gets hurt."

"Is that a threat?" I asked, almost in a growl.

"Absolutely. I won't have my entire empire, crumbled because you’re thinking with the wrong head."

"Would you rather I spend all my time with Vienna or Tanya? I'm sure we would have wonderful children together and your dynasty could stay intact."

"Vienna would be better than some piece of eighteen year old, street trash you picked up at a club."

"Fuck you." I threw the papers back at him. Iit was the first time that I had cursed at my father.

It was like the world stopped spinning and the air grew stale with tension.

Bucky and Thor, who had been watching our shouting match, were both looking on with mouths hanging open.

I heard the gun cock before I saw it.

It was a massive Desert Eagle, similar to mine but two times bigger and entirely gold plated. Joseph didn't shy away from decorating the thing so there was a substantial size ruby on the left side of the handle that used to be his mother's. He paid a pretty penny to have it laid in his gun.

The barrel of the shimmering gold was pointed right between my eyes and my breathing hitched for a quick second.

This wasn't the first time my father had pointed a gun at my face but this was the first time I had seen such anger behind his eyes. It was terrifying.

"Speak to me like that again and I will not hesitate to pull this trigger." He said so calmly that I was literally scared for my life.

"You wouldn't dare." I said in a soft voice, too afraid to actually talk.

"Don't test me, Steve. I've killed lesser men than you and I won't put up with your disloyalty."

"Si punta una pistola a tuo figlio. Come è che, per slealtà?" I said in Italian and even I was surprised by my boldness.

You're pointing a gun at your son. How's that for disloyalty?

I heard the sweet humming of my mother as she came out of the bathroom and her heels thumped on the carpeted floor.

"Joseph!" She screeched when she saw what was going on. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I'm just handling things, sweetheart. Our son needs to remember where his loyalties lie."

"I'm in control of my life, not you." I said through my teeth, very scared about my current situation and hoping that my father wasn't as daring as he came off.

Joseph's eyes got bright with rage as he nearly shoved the gun into the flesh of my forehead.

"I swear, I leave for two minutes and a gun fight has immerged." Sarah said harshly.

"I won't shoot him." My father replied.

"You're damn right you won't shoot him." Sarah snatched the gun out of his hand so quickly that I didn't see it. She disabled the Eagle in a swift motion, breaking it into its four mechanical pieces within a second and threw them on the sofa behind her.

Joseph looked like a child as his lips pouted and his whole body deflated.

"I can't believe you." Sarah had her hands on her hips. "What has gotten into you lately, Joseph?"

He opened his mouth to speak but she cut him off. "I don't want to hear it. I can't even describe what I just saw to you. I should have taken a picture so that you could see how monstrous you just became."

"I wasn't going to harm him." My father's voice was actually timid.

"You had a gun pointed at our son's face." She said slowly and dangerously. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I'm sorry." He bowed his head and I didn't know if he was talking to her or me. I couldn't see his eyes but could still feel the anger rolling off of him or maybe that was my own fury.

"We need to talk." She pulled on the collar of his shirt and he lifted out of his seat, following her. Sarah stomped back into their room and the door shut with a slam. I heard them shouting in Italian but I was through listening to my father.

My breathing was harsh and I actually felt a bead of sweat drip off of my brow.

I regained control of myself in a matter of minutes but that still didn't mask that fact that my father had threatened to kill me over Natalia. Would I have died for her? Yes, I would have.

Maybe it was just me trying to be a rebellious teenager but just because he said something, didn't make it law. I would continue to see Natalia and do it without his permission if necessary. I would flaunt her in front of him and bring her over to the house just because he said not to.

I realized that Natalia was dividing a line in a family that once stood strong but I didn't care. This was my life and I could do as I pleased. My father could go to hell for all I cared.

"That was so wicked insane." Thor came to sit next to me. "You okay?"

"Yeah." I sighed, "It wasn't the first time."

"I remember the first time Dad put a gun to my head." Bucky sat in Joseph’s seat. "I was sixteen and wrecked his Porsche. That was not a good day."

"Oh yeah and then that time when I set my room on fire...accidentally of course." Thor said evilly,

"But he was so pissed. I saw the back end of that gun when it hit me over the head." He laughed.

I was calm but ran my hand through my hair for good measure to make sure that I was still alive.

The door to the bedroom opened and my mother reappeared. "Steve, honey, are you okay?" She pushed Thor out of the way and hugged me.

"I'm fine, Ma." I said.

"I can't believe that man. He always gets this way when he's stressed. Don't worry." She kissed my head. "He won't be bothering you until we get to Moscow."

"I don't care."

"Don't act like that Steve. He really is sorry."

"No he's not. He said what he meant to say." I was still pretty angry.

She nodded sadly and then started walking back to the room but stopped and turned around,

"Steve, I know love can be difficult but it takes work. If you truly care for Natalia, which I know you do, this is going to be a very difficult decision for you two."

"The trial run is over." I said, to myself. They didn't know what that meant. I was too long gone into this relationship to look back now.

"An eighteen year old, police chief's daughter. That's a better plot line than your father and I." She giggled.

Their relationship was hard as well in the beginning so she knew what I was going through. Her story was a long and sorted one that took way too long to tell.

"I just want you to know that I support you." She said sweetly. "I love Natalia as much as you do."

"I don't love her." I said through clenched teeth.

"You come find me when you realize the truth, then we'll talk." Sarah went back into the room and left us boys alone to sulk.

"This trip is already starting to turn into hell." Thor groaned. "I knew I should have never come."

"Oh well, now we have an excuse to drink." Bucky got up and went to his bag, pulling out a monstrous bottle of Roberto Cavalli Vodka.

"I thought you got rid of that shit." Thor went to the back of the cabin and got shot glasses along with a soup spoon.

"It's the only Italian vodka that tastes good. That's the only thing the Russians are good at." Bucky started pouring. "Vodka and guns."

"I thought Roberto Cavalli made clothes." I said.

"He makes everything." Bucky continued filling the cups.

He handed each shot to us and I took the spoon from Thor, pouring extra vodka in it. I retrieved the lighter from my pocket and lit the spoon. The alcohol burned a bright blue color and the smell wafted through the cabin.

I trickled a drop of burning liquid into each of our full shot glasses and they all erupted in orange flames.

"To Steve's fucked up life. Salute." Thor raised his shot and blew it out before downing the thing.

"To Steve's fucked up life. Salute." Bucky did the same.

"To my fucked up life. Salute." I raised my shot, blew out the flame and drank the burning vodka.

We touched down in Moscow that night at midnight and with the time change, we were nine hours ahead of Chicago so it was three in the afternoon back home.

I didn't want to call Natalia for the simple reason that I was still too pissed. I was still getting over the fuck awful plane ride so I refrained from dialing her number. We all got off of the plane at Sheremetyevo International Airport and even in mid-October, it was close to freezing. Well, maybe not that cold but I had to wear a big coat.

We got into the back of two waiting cars, me going with Thor and Bucky.

"I hate this place." Thor looked out of window. "It's so dingy."

"Dingy?" Bucky asked.

"Yeah, just look at this city. It's filthy…"

"It's filled the best and brightest." I gave a sardonic reply.

Truth be told, Moscow and Russia in general weren't my favorite places to visit. Thor was right, this city held some of the worst criminals in the world and my father owned them all. The whole reason that we were here was because Joseph came to collect on a debt. He could have done this by himself I guess but in these types of business deals, it was better to have strength in numbers. Sarah would of course be locked away for our duration of the trip and I don't even know why she came but there's no changing her mind once it's set.

The cars drove through the late night streets of Moscow as the city lights shined off of the wet road in front of us. We passed the Kremlin, Red Square and all three of us crossed ourselves as we road by St. Basil Cathedral.

Compared to other districts, the city's south and southwest sides have considerably less industry. This was the place where all the historical sites were and the rich loved to purchase property out here, my father included.

The townhouse we owned was actually two put together since nothing in this city was very big. Sarah spent six months designing the place and just broke down walls as she pleased. The space was now a giant, four story townhouse that was probably bigger than the Prime Minister's place.

The cars stopped with a halt in front of the brick residence and we got out, removing our bags from the trunk. Joseph already had the door unlocked and Sarah was turning on lights when I came in.

I was in a really pisssy mood and didn't feel like talking to anyone so I just bypassed the family, stomping upstairs to the room I always stayed in. I would have given anything to just go home but duty called.

Tomorrow was going to be a rough day.

My body clock was off on account of the time difference but I just stayed in my bed and listened to my ipod the whole night.

By the time the sun started to peek through my window, I was up and in the shower for exactly twenty-seven minutes. Washing, shaving, exfoliating just like normal.

I got out of the shower, clicked the lights on and off twice and went to the small ass closet where I unpacked all my things last night.

I threw on a pair of underwear and then thumbed through my selection of pants. I chose a sleek pair of light grey ones and then the blazer that went with them. I buttoned up a crisp white shirt, put on a black skinny tie, shrugged into my jacket, got on socks and black shoes and then ran my hands through my hair.

It took all of three minutes and my morning routine was done.

I walked downstairs where the smell of cooking bacon was coming from and went into the kitchen where I saw my mother at the stove. Joseph was sitting at the island, drinking coffee and reading a paper, like he usually did in the mornings. I sat next to him without a word.

"Oh, hello Steve. Did you have a good night?" Sarah pushed a heaping plate of bacon and eggs towards me.

"Thank you and no, I didn't have a good night." I ate silently.

She gave Joseph the evil eye and then went back to cooking.

An hour later, Bucky and Thor had come down in suits like mine. They ate and talked to Joseph since I wasn't and our plans for the day were discussed.

"Why does Albert always disobey the rules?" Bucky sighed. "We wouldn't even have to be here if he kept his promises."

"Yes well that's not our problem. We came through for him, set a timeline and he didn't follow that so his time is up." My father folded his paper and set it next to him.

"Is anyone getting out of this alive?" Thor asked.

"No, not on his end. He wants to play games, he can lose everything he has."

"I wish you boys would stop talking so evilly. I think I'm going to church today." Sarah sat at the island next to me.

"Do whatever you wish, dear but we probably won't be back for a couple of hours."

Kisses were given, guns were checked and we were walking out of the door half an hour later.

My father drove the black Mercedes and I sat up front with Thor and Bucky in back as we quickly maneuvered through early morning cars, on their way to work.

"Were you listening to what I said this morning?" Joseph asked me.

"Yes." I replied shortly.

"Is your head in the game?"

"Are you trying to ask me if I'm distracted by Natalia?" I scowled at him.

He chuckled. "No but glad you're thinking in that route."

He still hadn't apologized for pointing a gun in my face but I didn't expect him to. The thing that annoyed me was that he didn't even acknowledge it.

The rest of the ride was silent as we darted through traffic. The beautiful parks and buildings of Moscow soon turned into what Thor hated most. Dingy was the only word to describe what we were passing.

The sun seemed to cloud over completely as the Mercedes drove through dark alleyways and oversized, abandoned warehouses were everywhere. It was all very industrial and…dingy. I saw some pretty shady people standing around and looking over their shoulders as the seconds turned into minutes on the road but they didn't bother me in the least.

My father parallel parked in between one of the warehouses on the corner of a particularly horrible street and put on his black leather gloves. We did the same.

"Like I said this morning, no one lives." Joseph said simply. "Make sure you have enough." He checked the magazine of his golden Eagle and reached over me for two other cartridges.

I handed out all the cartridges that were in the glove box and we were all outfitted with at least two guns so this shouldn't be that hard. Thor and Bucky had their huge semi-automatics but I liked to stick with smaller handhelds. You had to get closer to someone to kill them and I like seeing them die.

We all got out of the car and a group of street rats were circling the Mercedes. They were talking quickly in a deep European twang. Joseph spoke to them in Russian and they ran off to play.

Joseph went around to the back of the large warehouse and we all followed behind him. Once he reached a discrete door that no one would have noticed unless they knew what they were looking for, he knocked four times and we waited.

A panel slid out and two eyes squinted to see who we were. Once they realized that the Cullens were standing at their door, the eyes widened in fear and the panel shut.

I heard someone shout. “Everyone get out. They're here." On the other side of the door.

"Thor." Joseph said and my brother shot the lock off of the door with his .44 caliber Magnum, which had been designed to stop a car but worked well in breaking steel locks as well.

He kicked the door in easily and it hung off its hinges. We stepped over the wreckage, and had guns at the ready as people fled in all directions.

Albert was a man of about forty who borrowed eight million dollars from Joseph seven years ago to start a human trafficking ring throughout northern Europe. My father gave him seven years to pay it back and his time was up.

There were two main problems with this. First, Joseph didn't deal with slavery. Albert knew this and lied to him when asking for loan, calming that he was starting up some illegal export contacts.

Joseph was not too happy once he found out that Albert had deceived him but decided to give him a change. The second problem was that Albert was way over his due date.

I checked his numbers and Albert had been making about ten million every year since he started this thing so why haven't we gotten our measly eight back?

We were here to collect and we were pissed.

This warehouse was where Albert did all of his industry dealings but it mainly served as a sleazy whorehouse.

Naked girls were running around, Albert's men were trying to fumble with firepower, Albert was nowhere to be seen but I suspect that the man at the door would have alerted him to our arrival.

Joseph shot his gun in the air twice, silencing all the screaming. "I need to see Albert." He spoke loudly enough so that his voice echoed off of the stone walls and concrete floors.

The whorehouse must have been closed for the day because there weren't any patrons, just naked girls and the people who worked under Albert. A vicious, snarling dog was barking in the corner, baring his teeth and foaming at the mouth. The thing was annoying the hell out of me.

"Joseph, so nice to see you again." A fat, balding man said. He was Albert's brother, Jerome, and was the slimiest motherfucker you would ever meet. He held out his arms like they were old friends. Thor, Bucky and I stood back, guns at the ready to watch out father work.

"Where is he?" Joseph asked, not even sweating.

"My brother?" Gerome said in a heavy Russian accent.

"Yes, your brother. I won't say it again."

"He's not here at the moment. May I take a message?" The fucker laughed.

Joseph blew a hole perfectly above Gerome's right collarbone in the blink of an eye.

Screams erupted and Gerome crumbled to the ground in pain, yelling to the high heavens.

"Where is he?" Joseph asked to everyone in the warehouse. Girls were cowering in the corner and Albert's thugs were holding back more snarling dogs.

Joseph nodded to Bucky, an indication to shut the door because this was about to get really messy. Bucky shut and locked the steel entrance that Thor nearly broke but it was easily salvageable.

"Joseph." A thick voice said from above us.

We turned around and Albert descended the stairs at a leisurely pace, a golden cane in his hand and a slight limp. He was in a stylish suit and had a young teenage boy following him who looked terrified. The boy was dressed in rags and I wouldn't be surprised if he was Albert's own personal slave/servant/sex toy.

"Albert." My father nodded, "You know why I'm here."

"Of course. Why don't we sit." Albert suggested and snapped his fingers.

Two muscular men, almost Thor's size, brought a table and two chairs to place in the middle of the cavernous room.

Joseph sat in one and Albert the other. We stayed standing behind our father.

"So, what can I do for you today?" Albert asked, almost smugly, crossing his legs. That would get him in trouble.

"I'm here to collect. I gave you seven years and your time is up."

A group of Albert's whores were trying to inch up the stairs but Bucky shot a hole right above their heads.

"No one leaves." He said coldly.

Normally, my father wasn't so cold as to just kill seemingly innocent women but we all knew that the sluts Albert kept were far from angels. The ones here served as madams, pimping out young girls to rich clients so in this case, we didn't have an issue with ending their lives.

"That wasn't very nice." Albert tsked.

"We're not here to play nice." Joseph's tone was evil yet low. He never raised his voice.

"As I saw it, when we made our agreement, I took it more as a gift." Albert sat back in his chair. His slave boy brought him a cup of coffee, his head bowed the whole time.

"Oh really?" My father held his hand out behind him. I pulled the folder from my jacket and gave it to him. "As you can see by the contract you signed, this was clearly not a gift as you put it. Eight million dollars to be paid back over seven years in a lump sum or on some kind of payment plan. You chose a lump sum and I even gave you a six month grace period."

"I can pay you now." Albert sighed.

"I don't want your money now. I want your blood in place of it. You played me for a fool, Albert."

"Oh Joseph, let's stop this game. We're both grown men, we can come to some kind of an agreement."

"And how would that make me look?" My father sat back. "I can't have you living when you broke a promise to me. What would everyone say?"

"I never knew you to be one to care what people thought."

Joseph let out a dark chuckle. "Not usually, no."

During this whole conversational period, Gerome's cries could be heard from behind us as he rolled around in a pool of thick, red liquid. No one moved and I heard more barking dogs as guards started to appear.

I cracked my neck in preparation for whatever was about to go down.

"I'm not here to get money because to be honest, once you're dead, everything you own will be mine." Joseph said.

"Do you think you can just take everything and get away with your life?" Albert leaned in, "This isn't your turf."

"It became my turf when my money crossed into this country."

"You know Sergio owns everything over here. Do you choose not to hear the talk or are you really oblivious to what's about to happen?"

"Please, enlighten me."

"Everyone's talking. You have too much power Joseph. You can't rule forever."

"Can't I?"

"Things are about to get very dangerous on your end of the world. Shinobu, the Denalis, the Volturis, none of them are happy and you have a shit storm coming your way."

I rolled my eyes at that. They were all just mere thorns in my fucking side, not a problem that we needed to be worried about.

"Aro has been mad at me since we were young. He always has something to say." My father replied.

"It's not you he's after." Albert said and his eyes shifted to mine for a quick second.

Joseph sat up a little straighter. "If Aro has something to say to me and dares threaten my family, then let him but that's not why I'm here today."

"Well I don't know what I can do for you. I don't have the money."

"I'm going to ignore that lie. I told you that I wasn't here for your money."

Albert snapped his fingers and a barking dog was let go from the corner, barreling towards us.

Before he could even start running at full speed, Thor had fired a bullet through his skull. The dog whimpered to the ground, brain matter splattering in all directions.

"I'm sorry, Albert." Joseph said and things erupted into a vicious bloodbath as shots rang out all over the warehouse.

I left my brothers to handle themselves and slipped behind a crate to check the magazine of my Eagle. I took off my jacket and rolled up my sleeves, ready to work. The irony of comparing scrubbing my floors yesterday and killing mafia men today, wasn't lost on me.

When I stood back up, guards were already dead, whores were running around screaming, dogs were snarling and Joseph had the look of death on his face but Albert was still alive, for now.

I shot at anything that moved and my first bullet struck a woman with no clothes on in the face, causing a gaping hole above her nose. I didn't have time to care before I moved behind the crate, firing off shots at bodyguards that dared even look at me. Everyone was dropping like flies and since our father trained us well, Bucky, Thor and I were basically having target practice.

There was so much noise and blood but I kept my mind focused on killing.

I didn't know how much time had passed but the numbers quickly started to shrink and I was stepping over bodies, blood being splattered on my clothes.

The magazine of my Eagle was exhausted so I quickly put another one in and started firing again. I hit men in the groin, causing as much pain as possible and didn't even bother looking at the whores as I picked them off one by one.

I moved from my hiding spot, into the open as I started firing at a row of guards on the second floor who were pointing guns at my father. I shot precisely into each one of their heads, causing them to fall onto the floor below.

It was all happening so fast but in slow motion at the same time.

I slid under a table that Bucky was using for protection.

"Let me use the Ak-47." I panted and shoved my now empty Eagle back into my belt.

"No, I was about to use it." He shot above the table and a scream sounded off.

"We don't have time for this. Give it to me." I demanded and tried to reach over him for the rifle but he pushed it away.

"No. You won't let me use your guns so you should have thought about being prepared." He shot again at a guard who was inching dangerously close to us but now had four bullets in his chest.

"Bucky, this isn't a game."

"You're right. Let me use your Eagle." He raised an eyebrow.

I snarled at his logic. No one used my Eagle except me.

"See. Get your own firepower." He smirked.

I didn't give Bucky another chance to speak before I rolled over, bringing the gun with me as I darted out from behind the table. I stood up and started running, dodging bullets.

"Damn it, Steve!" Bucky yelled but he was quickly drowned out by the ballistics that I was firing into the air in rapid succession.

I just made sure to not hit Thor, Bucky or Joseph but everything else was dying.

I suddenly felt a sharp pain on my ankle and fell to the floor as teeth ripped into my flesh.

"What the fuck." I turned around on the ground and saw a vicious dog tearing into my pants. My Armani pants.

I tried to push him off, not wanting to outright slay an animal but the look in his eyes told me that he was trained to kill.

I whipped the butt of the gun around, smacking the dog in the head but he still clamped on so I started pounding the back of the AK-47 into his skull until his teeth loosened and I heard a crack. His head nearly split down the middle as blood started pouring out the wound. He fell over to the side, nothing more than a mound of fur.

I looked down at my torn pant leg and the red liquid that was staining the fabric.

"Son of a horse's bitch." I muttered while gunshots still rang out around me.

"Your outfit get messed up?" Thor teased and took the AK-47 from me, swinging the strap over his shoulder. In true Thor fashion, he had taken off his shirt completely, looking like something out of Rambo with nothing on but his suit pants and dress shoes.

Show off.

I rolled my eyes and then heard heavy footsteps from behind me. I was dragged up by my neck as strong arms lifted me off of the ground.

A low voice spoke in Russian but I didn't pay any attention as I maneuvered out of his grasp. I could tell from his hunched stance and footwork, that the guard was Spetsnaz…Russian army.

Shit!

He was holding a sharp knife that he was throwing in between his hands, trying to get my eyes to follow it.

The ache from my dog bite was becoming known but I didn't feel pain anymore. After all these years, my mind didn't register it.

Spetsanz Fucker lunged at me and tried to stab my stomach but I quickly jumped out of the way. I might not have as much muscle as Thor but I was fast.

I pulled the gun of out of Spetsnaz Fucker's belt and shot him dead in the back before he could even turn around. Five shots and five holes.

He went down without another movement.

I looked around and was breathing heavily as I surveyed the damage. I did a quick count of over thirty bodies, men and women, all covered in blood in heaps on the floor.

"Was that all of them?" Bucky asked, panting.

"Yup." Thor kicked over a guard that was screaming and shot him in the head.

Joseph was standing over Albert in the middle of the room, not a scratch on him. Albert's gold cane was stuck through his skull, sticking straight up, half broken. The cane was dripping with blood and the other half of it was pushed through Albert's chest.

My father looked slightly disheveled as hair lingered in his face but his clothes were pristine, like he had never even stepped out of the house.

None of us spoke to each other and we made sure that everyone was dead. A few had managed to survive so we finished them quickly.

"Is everyone alright?" Joseph asked us.

"Yeah." I answered.

"Good." He nodded. "We need to leave before the police get here."

"Yeah right. They've been after Albert for years. They would probably give you a medal."Bucky laughed.

"Be that as it may, I don't want to get caught up in Eastern European politics." He walked around. "Start the clean up."

Thor left the warehouse and came back with a massive can of kerosene. He started walking around with it turned upside down, pouring out a nasty smelling liquid to coat every surface.

"This wasn't the worst we've had to do." Joseph checked badges of the dead guards.

"Nothing like what happened in Miami." I said, remembering what a bloodbath that was. I had more than a few battle wounds from that fight.

"Hey! What the hell are we going to do with this thing?" Thor said suddenly and tried to crawl into the corner.

The slave boy darted away from him and starting running around the warehouse towards the exit. Bucky and I kept shooting at him but the fucker was fast and he dove behind a crate.

"Hey, boy!" Bucky yelled and went to chase after him. He caught him by his rag of a shirt and started pulling the slave towards Joseph.

The boy was screaming and shouting in Russian but he didn't have an accent. He had no shoes and his body was filthy.

Bucky dropped him at Joseph's feet and the boy whimpered with his head down.

Thor stopped pouring, put his shirt back on and came to join our group. We trapped the boy in a circle so that he couldn't try to run again.

"What's your name?" Joseph asked forcefully.

The boy didn't lift his head and didn't reply.

Joseph picked him up roughly by his shirt. "I asked you a question." He shook him.

"Pe…Peter." He said in perfect English with a slight accent.

"How old are you?"

"I think..sixteen." His voice was so shy and almost withdrawn.

"You think?" Joseph was over playing games.

"I don't remember."

"Where are you from?" Bucky asked.

"I don't remember."

Joseph threw him back on the ground. "Do you have a family?"

"No sir, Albert is my master."

Joseph looked at me and then Thor and then Bucky.

"Get up." Joseph said, his voice softening in a second. "Follow me." He instructed and then started walking out of the door.

Peter didn't move but stayed huddled on the floor in a ball.

"Hey, kid. You might want to listen to him." Bucky pointed behind as Joseph left the warehouse.

"I…I can't." Peter shook. "Albert will kill me."

"You see this, kid?" Thor pointed to Albert on the floor next to us. "That's your master. He ain't coming back."

"I…I can't." He repeated.

I shrugged. "Leave him here." I started to walk away, knowing perfectly well that when this bitch began burning to the ground, Peter would be the first one out.

Bucky, Thor, and I stood outside the warehouse as I lit a match and set a stream of kerosene on fire that led to the door. The whole thing erupted in flames from the inside and thick black smoke started to crawl up to the sky.

We all got in the waiting Mercedes and Joseph left the car running for two minutes. Fire truck sirens were wailing in the distance but we didn't move. Thor held the back car door open as he sat inside.

Peter ran out of the warehouse, in between the flames and stood on the street with a frightened look on his face.

"Get in, kid." Thor held the door open wider.

Peter hesitantly jumped in but moved quicker when a window upstairs blew out.

Thor shut the door and Joseph pumped the gas at the same time. We sped off without a word and merged into heavy traffic on our way into the better part of town.

Half an hour later, we halted in front of the townhouse.

"Are…are you going to kill me?" Peter asked in a whisper. "I can work. Just don't kill me, please."

"No. We won't kill you." My father said simply and got out of the car.

"He's a good guy, just don't make him mad." I sighed, speaking to myself and the kid in the back.

Thor put Peter over his shoulder and carried him inside as Bucky and I followed. I locked the doors and we went into the family room where Sarah was watching the news. The story was about a warehouse down near the docks that was currently being engulfed in flames. The sorry ass fire department was trying their hardest to put it out.

"I'm so glad you all are safe." Sarah jumped off of the couch and wrapped her arms around Bucky's body.

He just laughed and hugged her back. "We're fine, Ma."

"Yeah and we brought you a present." Thor set Peter down.

Sarah tilted her head and looked between Peter and Joseph. "Who's this?" She asked.

"This is Peter, sweetheart. He was Albert's slave." My father took off his jacket, throwing it over the back of the couch.

Sarah's face softened to the point of melted ice cream and I already knew what was going through her head.

"Great, another one." I threw my hands up in the air.

"Hey, orphans are cool." Bucky defended his people with a chuckle. "I should know."

"You're not an orphan. Shut up." Joseph hit the back of his head.

"I'm surprised you left any survivors." Sarah quirked an eyebrow at my father. "And don't sit on my sofa with all that blood. Everyone, down to your underwear." She commanded.

"Aw Ma…" Thor complained.

"Oh hush. I've seen you in less." She ran to the kitchen and came back with a black trash bag, holding it out for us to drop our clothes into.

I was the first to strip down, not really caring and stood in the corner in nothing but boxers. Bucky, Thor and Joseph followed and they all stuffed them in the bag. Sarah held it out for Peter but he stood there shyly.

"Do…do I have to?" He hung his head.

"Is something wrong?" Sarah asked him.

"No, I just don't want to."

"Are you alright?" My mother's voice was endearing.

"I don't…I don't know where I am. Are you going to hurt me?" Peter shook when Sarah stepped closer to him.

"No, we're here to help you." She said sweetly.

"But…you killed all those people." I could barely hear him.

"You're going to have to get over that, kid." Thor came back into the room with a piece of chicken.

I think I heard Peter crying.

Sarah dropped the bag and wrapped her arms around his filthy body. He was so malnourished that he looked even skinnier than she did but was about a head taller.

"Come on. I'll help you." Sarah said lovingly and started to lead him upstairs. "Bucky, burn those." She pointed at the trash bag.

"Did you have to bring him back here?" Thor asked Joseph.

"I couldn't leave him there. He didn't do anything." My father said and looked at me. "He won't be a problem." The way Joseph said it was like he was disappointed in me. Maybe Peter could provide him with a son he was proud of.

I didn't say anything back.

Joseph then followed Sarah upstairs, "Thor, call Jerry back home and tell him to get another room ready."

Bucky picked up the bag, taking it in the back, Thor laid out on the couch with his phone and I nearly ran upstairs.

I immediately jumped in the shower and turned the water to near burning temperature. I let it run over my body as my muscles relaxed. With the time difference and the fucking death trap I just walked out of, my body was exhausted. I made sure to disinfect my dog bite that didn't look too bad and then washed all the grime out of my hair.

After my twenty-seven minutes in the shower, I got out and just pulled on a pair of boxers before climbing into cool sheets. I sighed longingly one time before I dialed Natalia's number on my phone. With it being noon here in Moscow, it was three in the morning in Chicago but Natalia said I could call her no matter what time of day it was and I didn't think I could go through the rest of the time here without hearing her voice.

I know, I'm a pussy.

The phone rang four times and I knew that my long distance bill was going to be higher than Mt. Everest but I didn't care.

She picked up with a groggy, tired voice. "Steve?"

"Hey, beautiful." I couldn't help the grin that crept onto my face.

"Finally! I fell asleep on the phone."

"Sorry." I chuckled, "How are you?"

"Tired but happy to hear from you."

"Should I let you go back to bed?"

"Don't you dare."

Her voice literally pulled all the negative energy out of me and calmed my body to the point of a comatose state.

"So, how was your day? What did you do?"

"Oh, nothing special. Just the same old, same old."

[viralhottopics]

A Definitive Ranking Of 2000s Rom Coms

Although people who peaked in high school like to act poetic about how great the 2000s were, they werent actually any better than the present day. I mean, it was a time when Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake wore matching denim outfits in public and nobody carted them off to an insane asylum.

But Im prepared to make a concession on two points: 1) At least we werent under the administration of a sentient slime mold wearing a bad wig. 2) The 2000s were a golden age for romantic comedies, mostly thanks to Judy Greers tireless efforts to play every heroines best friend. Plus, only like half the jokes were sexist, and there was about an 80% chance pre-pretentious Matthew McConaughey would show up.

Obviously, a betch has to be picky about her rom-comssome are shitty in a good way, but others are best avoided in case someone catches you watching them. To guide your Netflix viewings, here’s a totally objective list of 00s rom coms. If you disagree, which Im sure everyone will, please note that Im not actually forcing you to watch these movies; Im just saying that if you regularly watch any of the bottom five, you have terrible taste.

14.

is considered a modern classic by two groups of people. 1) men in their late 20s with a crush on Natalie Portman and a thriving quarter-life crisis and 2) 8th graders in 2004 under the assumption that any movie that features a Shins track in its soundtrack is automatically deep. To everyone else, its a film about self-absorbed white people whining about their lives until theyre magically fixed by the power of mixtapes. There are approximately a zillion issues with this film, beginning with Zach Braffs complete lack of expression and ending with the fact that you cant cure real depression by listening to The Shins, no matter how clearly superior the soundtrack is to anything else in this film. Worst of all, though, is the fact that Natalie Portman played a manic pixie dream girl so obnoxious I still dream about strangling her character sometimes. Padme deserves so much better.

13.

Im not saying romantic comedies have to make much sense, but s plot is mystifying. Matthew McConaugheys parents are tired of him living at home, so they call in a lady high class escort (Sarah Jessica Parker) whose job is literally seducing men into moving out of their parents basements and unceremoniously dumping them. Because that’s plausible, and not at all fucked up to force your son to fall in love with someone you’re paying. Ridiculous premise aside, you know a movie is terrible when famed nicegirl Zooey Deschanel is the best thing about it.

12. Monster-in-Law

In case you missed this one, and for your sake I hope you did, is about Jane Fonda inexplicably being terrible to Jennifer Lopez, who walks a lot of dogs and is engaged to Fondas son. That right there should tell you all you need to knowI cannot think of one movie that JLo was in that was anything above mild torture, and we’re supposed to root for her character why, exactly? If my son was engaged to a full-time dog walker you can best believe I’d do everything short of actual murder to put a stop to that bullshit.

11.

Im told some people love this movie, but Jesus fucking Christ, is it possible for the two main characters to be any more appalling? Here you have two assholes manipulating the shit out of each other and just generally acting psychotic, all to win a stupid bet with their friends. They really should call it “How To Act Like A Psychopath And Lose Your Dignity.”

10.

Not gonna lie, I fucking adored when I was an impressionable preteen. It had time travel! Mark Ruffalo! A makeover scene! Years later, the movie is still fun to watch, even if it is way too obsessed with the 80s, but the jokes are more cute than funny. Also, why would anyone allow their 13-year-old child to go to a sleepover hosted by a 30-year-old? That is … questionable to say the least. Not to mention Jennifer Garner’s character does a reverse transformation from a betch into a nicegirl and dumps her hot pro bf in favor of her formerly fat friend. Blah blah, true love, I don’t give a fuck. Tenth.

9.

is close to being wrapped in cutesy narration, but it’s far superior. For one thing, it reintroduced the world to Joseph Gordon-Levitts dimples. For another, it manages to be a fairly realistic depiction of a shitty millennial relationship without being super fucking depressing. But thats also kind of the problemrom coms arent supposed to be realistic, theyre supposed to be clich and feel-good, and I don’t care what you say, Summer is a thot. I have literally stayed up at night mapping how she could have possibly met someone worthy of engagement a mere 118 days after she broke up with Tom, and only six days after attending a wedding as his guest (yes I did the mathI told you; this movie keeps me up at night). No matter how you slice it, she had to have cheated on somebody.

8.

Full disclosure: As a Southern betch, Im stoked that takes place right next door. (Dear Hollywood: An entire country exists between New York and LA.) But even though it features Patrick Dempsey as the other man, Josh Lucas with a dreamy Southern accent, and Reese Witherspoon, there are still some issues. Mainly, WTF WERE YOU THINKING, MELANIE? Did you really dump your future president fianc for your secret redneck husband just so “the first boy you kissed could also be your last”? I’ve heard of trying to keep your number down, but damn if this isn’t some delusional shit.

7.

Everyone on planet Earth can relate to having a batshit crazy family, and thats exactly what makes appealing. The two leads are fine, considering they’re not Kate Hudson or Matthew McConaughey, but the extended family is everyones favorite part of the movie. Honestly the most memorable moment to come out of this movie is the “put some Windex on it”pretty good deal for Windex, not so much for the people who actually starred in the movie. However, it does get points for the memorable line: “The man may be the head of the household, but the woman is the neck and she can turn the head any way she pleases.”

6.

The plot is pretty flimsy (a Canadian businesswoman has to marry her assistant to avoid deportation) but everyone loves a story where the couple starts out hating each other and eventually falls in love. The cast is what makes this movie pure rom com gold: Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds, and Betty fucking White, who gifted us with the infamous Native American dance scene. Basically, it’s predictable but ridiculous, making it better than some of the other garbage movies on this list.

5.

Admittedly, is probably to blame for some of the chubby man-child/beautiful, svelte woman couplings we see in the media that give men unrealistic beauty expectations (of the types of women they can expect to date), otherwise known as The Beyonc/Jay Z Phenomenon. But whatevs. Its a good movie. Seth Rogen has that whole dad bod thing going onapparently a thing some people are intoand Katherine Heigl was at the top of her rom com game before she pissed off the entire cast of .is actually hilarious, which is enough to make up for the fact that Katherine Heigl appears in it.

4.

Even aside from my undeniable crush on youthful Sandra Bullock, is a quintessential early-2000s romantic comedy. Allow me to explain. 1) It stars an ambitious career woman who dont need no man. 2) But she kind of wants one anyway, and everyone realizes what a catch she is when she puts on lipstick and a dress. 3) Did I mention its plot is literally an extended makeover scene as Bullock goes from bad ass FBI agent to bad ass beauty pageant contestant? I rest my case. Add in some cute female friendships and a scene in which Bullock teaches us how to fend off an attacker, and its basically required viewing every year.

3.

You had to know was going to make the list despite this amazing take-down article of why it’s actually terrible. With approximately a bajillion storylines going on, its hard not to find one you like and get invested, and it doesnt hurt that the film features every well-known British actor under the sun. Im not sure how the movie manages to juggle all the different plots without being confusing and/or boring, but Im not gonna question it. However, this shit is TOO FUCKING LONG. If I have to pop an Adderall just to make it through a damn movie (which I do), you need to send your editors back to the drawing board.

2.

is the perfect example of a rom com thats super clich in theory, but in practice, its so fucking heartwarming it doesnt even matter (ugh). Katherine Heigl plays ultimate nicegirl Jane (in case the fact that her name is “Jane” wasn’t enough of a clue), whos been part of 27 weddings and miraculously hasnt gone broke from buying all the bridesmaid dresses. The dudes are pretty forgettable, but Janes psychotic sister and slutty best friend totally steal the spotlight, elevating the film to truly betchy heights.

P.S. For once, James Marsden plays the leading man, so his preternaturally perfect face gets more screen time, #bless.

1.

Bridget Joness Diary is the ultimate feel-good movie, as in its literally impossible to watch it without feeling your icy soul thaw ever so slightly at the end. The titular character starts out fat, single, and past the age of 30, so basically our worst nightmare. By the end, though, she manages to bang Hugh Grant and Colin Firth, land a better job, and become a self-described wanton sex goddess. If those arent your life goals, you clearly need to start your own self-help journey.

Read more: http://betches.co/2leb0vU

from A Definitive Ranking Of 2000s Rom Coms

[standingontheedgeinstilettos]

You Souhnd Lahk You’ah From Lahndahn!

Hey Friends,

New Year! New Housewives! New Drama!  And I have a new six month old baby which is why there is a fairly significant lapse in time between now and my last blog.  As usual, let’s move past that quickly.

Ah, Beverly Hills. The 90210.  Ladies, ladies, ladies.  I can’t recall how long it’s been since the Munchausen accusation heard ‘round the world and the subsequent arguments which ensued before our very eyes, but here we are again.  And it feels rather nostalgic, doesn’t it?  I mean we have Lisa Vanderpump and Kyle getting laser beauty treatments on TV while discussing the current state of their vaginas.  

You have your gratuitous Camille Grammar cameo, dropping square footage numbers left and right on her newly smaller Malibu mansion, with her lady-servant plating chicken on the bone.  And Lisa Rinna is still talking about her haircut and Harry Hamlin’s arms circa 1982.  

Oh, but there is newness too.  And newness comes in the form of a doe-eyed moron, whose real name I am quite sure is either Sarah or Jennifer, but we’ll call her “Dorit” if that’s what she needs.  If you’re reading this and you’re standing up, I’m going to need you to sit down.  Take a seat because I’m about to lay something on you so hard.  You guys, Dorit is SO FUCKING WORLDLY.  She has been to other countries.  I’ll give you a minute.  You good?  

So “Dorit” and her husband “PK” (name acronym for what I assume stands for “Pretentious Kook” or “PSugar KDaddy” or the like) are so worldly in fact, that even though “Dorit” is from Connecticut, she sports what may be the worst fake British accent we’ve ever had the misery of witnessing.  She makes Lindsay Lohan sound like Eliza Doolittle at the end of the movie.  She makes Madonna basically the fucking Queen Mother herself.  I’m waiting to see these two on an episode of “America’s Most Wanted” a la the Armstrongs at some point in the near future because I’m telling you right now something ain’t right in the buttermilk.

The only thing we viewers have going for us is that “Dorit” had no idea what she was up against.  She’s TV friends with Lisa Vanderpump so she thought she was safe.  She thought she could get away with just flitting about with her bizarre fake accent, air-kissing Kyle, having dinner parties with the 8 most interesting people in the world, or her world at least, and talking about how Boy George lives with her in every interview.  **If your claim to fame is that Boy George lives with you, I don’t know how to help**  But fortunately for us Erika Girardi resides on our show.  Erika Girardi, who has an accent all her own and is completely fluent in ‘Kunty,’ wasted absolutely zero time in calling out “Dorit” for being from Connecticut.  And thus there has begun a quiet war between them where every battle is to be won by Lieutenant Colonel Erika Jane/Girardi.

I am going to focus on “Dorit” vs Erika through the entire blog entry because I don’t think any of us care about anything else that is happening on this show.  Certainly not about Kyle and her fancy problems, or Lisa V with her TIRED double entendres (for Christ’s sake lady, know any other tricks??) nor Lisa Rinna and her Home Shopping Network grey duster.  

I want, nay- I NEED to start with “PantyGate.”  If you know me even just a little bit, you know that I never wear underwear.  It’s a personal choice.  I have no time for it, I don’t like how it feels, I don’t like lines in clothes, I just don’t like any of it at all.  So when Erika did not wear underwear beneath her designer dress, I empathized.  I mean, look what happened with Kyle.  You could see nearly every inch of her Spanx.  That is a fashion faux pas of the worst kind, and really should have been blamed for this whole incident because had Kyle chosen the correct form of underwear, or no underwear at all, Lisa V wouldn’t have playfully asked Erika to give Kyle her underwear and Erika would never have been forced to tell everyone she wasn’t wearing any so Lisa would cease lifting her skirt at the table. And really, now that I type this, it’s Lisa V’s insistence on shoving her nefarious nature down all of our throats which led us to this moment.  The woman will do anything for a sexual innuendo and to start some shit.

So Erika says she’s not wearing any underwear, as she sits legs together, napkin over legs.  Cut to “Perverted Knucklehead” chuckling coyly while sitting next to his wife, and then leaning over somewhat trying to get a better look! OMG.  OMG, hell no.  Helllllllll no.  I don’t know exactly the proper way for a husband to react to being told the woman sitting across from him isn’t wearing underwear, but that was definitely not it.  I’m trying to think of what my husband would have done.  Run away probably, but he’s afraid of all women who aren’t me so he’s a bad example.  Perhaps jokingly ask to switch seats with “Dorit” so you’re not directly across from Erika? Make a big, “WOAH!  Didn’t need to know that haha, can I get another gin and tonic over here??” awkward joke and move on WITHOUT TRYING TO SEE HER VAGINA FURTHER??

If you haven’t been watching, and you guessed that he kept trying to see what Erika Jane is always slapping in her music videos, you win.

A wise man would never mention this again to his wife.  And if she brought it up, a wise man would say, “I did not, would not look at your new friend’s lady bits at cocktail hour, now pass the peas please.”  But a wise man “Punchy Kookoo” is not.  He’s in the kitchen with “Dorit” and not only admits to looking for/at Erika’s box-o-secrets, but that he REALLY ENJOYED IT and COULD NOT STOP.

In the kitchen he said this. Where the knives are kept.  And “Dorit” is all, “I mean, he’s a man for Pete’s sake, who can blame him??”  And that’s how I know “P Kiddy” is paying this broad a LOT of money to say she’s his wife.

Cut to “Dorit” telling every housewife in history how Erika forced her husband to look up her skirt. She called Quinn and Lydia from Orange County.  She dialed up Adrienne Maloof and left a voicemail.  She drafted a telegram for Jill Zarin.  She sent a Messenger Pigeon to Taylor Armstrong in Aspen, but poor little guy unfortunately chose suicide by flight-into-jet-engine over having anything to do with this lame-ass scandal.

Now alllllll the ‘wives are talking about “PantyGate.”  “Dorit” decides to go as far to manufacture drama, thereby securing her spot on the show since they clearly need the money, as to buy Erika a pair of panties to present at the next event where everyone is there to witness the gifting.  So when they all meet up to do some human puzzle activity, “Dorit” makes a prettttttttty big deal about Erika’s vagina, how everyone saw it, and how she may be best served in covering it up going forward.  It made her husband “Pussy Krazed” super uncomfortable when he was trying really hard to stare at it.

I always say I would be the literal worst on this show.  It’s because I don’t care about any of this shit.  If this crazy lady with her accent made of a thousand accents came at me with that shit, I would be like, “Umm, that’s your incredibly embarrassing problem.” But maybe I actually would be good on this show, because that’s basically exactly what Erika said.  It was awesome. And “Dorit,” God bless her, as she does with everything else in her life- she tried SO HARD.  She really wanted this to be a scandal.  But it just wasn’t.  It was like this: Erika didn’t wear underwear, and “Dorit”’s husband thought that was awesome, tried to see up her skirt, told his wife he couldn’t help but look because it was freaking amazing and “Dorit” blamed Erika for her husband being disgusting.  And it was all so painfully transparent.  So much so that Erika was just like, “Gross, ok.”

Cut to Tuesday night’s dinner party at “Dorit” and “Practically Kitschy”s home where the most interesting people in the world gathered to talk about “The Haves and The Have-Nots” and who really killed JFK.  Dorit wore the world’s shortest red dress and made a point to show her desperation by telling her husband to tell her she looked hot and that, unlike Erika, she was wearing underwear.  Barf, lady. Lisa RInna somehow got invited, which I’m sure ultimately made her feel more punished than honored.  She was given a severe tongue-lashing by “Pernicious Knave” about last season’s fight she had with his dear, fake friend Lisa Vanderpump.  Lisa RInna tried to explain she’s turned over a new leaf and feels differently about life now that she knows people die.  She brought up how Eileen has lost so many people including her mother right before last season’s reunion which Eileen did not tell anyone about as to not garner fake-sympathy that could somehow be used against her.

This did not please “Pro Knickers.”  Not one bit.

“That is unfair!” he spat. “Those women deserved to know that your mother had just died!”

“Oy!” exclaimed “Dorit.” “I complete-lah agrah wit you-ah one hooondred percahnt!”

Eileen finds out about this peculiar stance against her choice to keep her mother’s death on an I-want-you-to-know basis and confronts “Dorit” about it at a one on one meeting between the two of them that I thought was going to take place with each in their own convertibles parked next to each other but ultimately moved to a random picnic table.

“All the other tables get picnics, and I get this?  I wish I could fly into a jet engine.” – Picnic Table

Eileen explains rather clearly the conversation that took place between “Dorit,” “Party Killer” and Lisa Rinna and why it bothers her that they would pass judgement on how she or anyone deals with the loss of a loved one.  And then “Dorit”s just like, “Whaht?  I litahrally have absoloooootily no idir whaht you ah toolking aboot…..”

WTF is this chick on? Seriously, what is it?  Is it some hybrid of Valium and Molly?  Is she the love child of vodka and lithium?  Because if she’s not on anything she is the worst, weirdest liar ever.

We end the latest episode with a bizarre (I know I keep using that word but it is consistently the most appropriate adjective) conversation wherein “Dorit” calls 45 year old Erika a “young girl,” asks how albums are made (isn’t “Poopy Kaka” a music manager or record producer or something?) and tells Eileen to basically “bugga ooff!”

Meanwhile, a sullen Camille Grammer quietly forks around her bone-in chicken breast wondering where she went so wrong.

  �ȣR �