#just because i dont post mind blind or at all does not mean i am not still in THE TRENCHES!!!!

[gncrezan]

mind blind 2025 comeback and the first person i thought about was you

JUST AS I FELT COMPELLED TO BAKE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES TOO. NICK WISEMAN WE'VE NEVER BEEN SO BACK

[milkvast]

**Undertale Yellow spoilers allert!!**

,

okay am gonna go crazy on this but hear me out,

I think ive realised that At this point Ceroba ,Chuujin and starlo and heck axis are in a repeated relationships to the point its not healthy for either of them

Why? Here’s explains (this is just stupid rambling dont take seriously)

You know those tumblr posts there’s always gonna  thay one person be someone over analysis, warning undertale yellow spoilers, So please read with cautious

But i think Axis Wouldve the results because i think theyre unable to give something axis doesn’t have Love, Or at least abandoned

Its been clearly explain that Axis And starlo they're both have unique In a way part with ceroba and chuujin story

Axis is what Choujin wanted to make in hopes That it can benefits the king, But what it lacks whats the show of affections

Like How Starlo wouldve wanted to keep up with hsi Sherif act for years beause he wanted ceroba to forget the case and pain of chujin

Like, The narrative story explained works because it was like, They're exentallt repeating the same thing, And they're, Okay maybe it won’t make sense but 

Like, Starlo clearly would do anything for his best friend so does ceroba but both are to blinded what each other wanted, they’ve hardly even talked nor discussed about it  

Like why can’t ceroba talked out with clover instead of starlo? Didn’t she at least thought of how He wouldve thought of his imput, i think it wouldve the result lack of communciations of theyre hiding something from each other, And its also the fact ceroba lured clover into lab well

and there's this pattern

Chuujin was blinded being out cast by the king

Ceroba was blinded by chuujin and Kanako’s loss that shes wiling to sacrifice clover to try attempted her goal, but even then she hesisted

Starlo was blinded in wanted to make ceroba happy to the point he's willing to chanfe his name to north star question why he hadn’t pulled trigger on clover (which mean would he be okay with ceroba doing monster hard hint hint like cerabo with Chuujin)

Axis was blinded being shutdown, Ad probably result him being killer robot or abandoned down there

Heck Ceroba wouldn’t mind even starlo played sherif acts along for years, because she thought he seemed happier, But i don’t think it wouldve healthy for both of them

Okay okay sorry gettin ahead but am serious, Is like there’s a repeat pattern that theyre all just

The narrative of the undertale yellow of these charas were  are insanely good hrghhhh

By picture below, you can prob tell she's been people pleaser by trying to do in chujin ways, They're not perfect but it doesn't mean theyre trying hard either

is similar to starlo maybe moving onto, But it doesn't mean they can't stop being friends either

you know how Ceroba notice how Chuujin been actin different and maybe she's doing the best she could, to the point its been eatimg her up

Seemed like patterns repeat itself on how he's gettin mighty with caught human, hoping it'll solve problem

[obsessivelollipoplalala]

I don’t think Roger turns a blind eye to LGBTQ issues.. I just think he has a different approach than Brian does (who we all know wears his heart on his sleeve🥺). Roger has always said in interviews that there’s a lot of things about modern day society he disagrees with, and that it’s useless to try and change people’s minds on certain things because people refuse to be open minded about them. As to Freddie, I think Roger actually gets frustrated that people focus on his sexuality so much as opposed to how great of a person he was. To him, Freddie was just “a lovely person to be with”. He never cared that Freddie was into dudes. Out of the 4 band members, Freddie was probably closest to Roger. They socialized outside the Queen bubble more than the others, and come on, Roger dressed up in drag for his bestie to shoot a music video! You can’t get more supportive than that. Just because he is not as vocal as people would like him to be does not mean he does not support the gay /trans community. On a separate but related note, you can support the gay community while still questioning certain aspects of it (not saying that’s his case , but it is in mine). I myself dont understand the whole trans thing (I’m hetero and I just don’t understand why some people say they have no gender ??). There’s a lot of education that goes behind gay issues.. and until people get the full picture, they won’t understand it. Change comes with time.. and in our society today, people want that change to be instant. It just won’t happen.

He does have a different approach, and he still hasn't said much about LGBT issues even separated from Freddie over the past 30 years. That's just true.

You're saying things that don't have to do with my post. I never said Roger wasn't supportive of Freddie or the lgbt community, so bringing up Roger dressing in drag for "The Great Pretender" isn't relevant. It was nice and cute of him, it's something a homophobe wouldn't have done, and it still has nothing to do with lgbt issues being absent from the semi-political statements in his solo work. I am presenting this as a neutral fact. He doesn't have to say anything about anything, but it's noticeable when the fandom exaggerates his public stance on an issue that Brian has talked about much more. If this makes people uncomfortable and want to rush to Roger's defense, I think that says more about how they feel about his relative lack of statements on lgbt issues than it does about Roger himself.

And Freddie also socialized with Brian outside of the band lol. Brian came to Garden Lodge more than any of the other band members, and Brian said he was incredibly close to Freddie when they shared hotel rooms in the early days. I think Freddie was close to Roger and Brian in different ways. Freddie literally trusted Brian enough to put words into his mouth via lyrics about his love life, sex life, and illness; I don't think that's inferior to Roger and Freddie partying together outside of work.

And tbh anon, I'm not sure why you wanted to bring up your self-admitted heterosexual questioning of trans issues, but sometimes you're not going to understand everyone's personal experiences and you need to just shrug your shoulders and say, "Okay, that's not my life experience but it's theirs and that's that" and move on. I'm a cis woman and have never felt like anything but a woman, so I don't know what it's like to have a gender different from the one that's typically associated with the body I was born with, or to have a gender that isn't defined, but it's not really my business if people have a totally different experience from mine.

[voidwritesstuff]

Long Way To The Truth

Cw:Lucas has a paranoid spiral, killing off an npc,guns,mentions of ptsd..

♡Chapter Five: Utah

♡summary; Lucas has various run ins with the law,some pleaseant and others...

As he drives into the state of Utah,theres something that had been picking at the back of his mind. That damn black SUV, it may be his paranoia but hes been dealing with these goverment spooks his whole life.

He rolls back his shoulder,trying to shake off the bad feeling thats clinging onto him like a leech. A sigh falls past his lips as he turns on the radio,and for a second time in his journey, Black Sabbath plays,same song.

Finished with my woman 'cause

She couldn't help me with my mind

People think I'm insane because

I am frowning all the time

Lucas hisses in discontent at the recognition of the song, but leaves it on. With a scowl he keeps Driving, a resting bitch face that could scare anyone.

All day long I think of things

But nothing seems to satisfy

Think I'll lose my mind

If I don't find something to pacify

Can you help me

Occupy my brain?

Oh yeah

He hates how much the song fits Him. In any other context he'd be singing along,but after being chased by some weird SUV,yeah no thanks.

One of his "quirks" is that he overthinks,he does that a lot. Hell,that SUV was enough to send him to the edge of a paranoid spiral,hes so damn close, he cant be caught before ever reaching Milton-Haven..

I need someone to show me

The things in life that I can't find

I can't see the things that make

True happiness, I must be blind

See,this is the thing thats making him consider seeing a therapist again,hes used to his paranoid spirals,hes lived with them his whole life. But just because hes gotten used to it,that doesnt mean its easy.

On bad days,he couldnt even leave his house, he'd cover up all Windows and entrances And just bunker himself into his house for days at a time.

He hates It, he hates the feeling of paranoia,the Fear,the anxiety. God,he does need help.

Make a joke and I will sigh

And you will laugh and I will cry

Happiness I cannot feel

And love to me is so unreal

And its not only the paranoia,he feels happiness like its muffled,filtered out. He could laugh,he could find things funny,but the happiness didnt last long. And as much as he wants to hold on to that feeling,there are days where its as brief as the passing breeze.

And so as you hear these words

Telling you now of my state

I tell you to enjoy life

I wish I could but it's too late

The song ends shortly thereafter. He sighs in relief and lets the other songs play out until he reaches a café. There he orders breakfast and sits on a quiet,lone booth in the back.

Paranoid,hes paranoid, he knows that. But he tries to play it off so he doesnt stick out like a sore thumb.

Lucas tilts his head to the side,stretching his neck muscles with a deep sigh. He feels the bones in his neck pop and a lot more relaxed he grabs his Journal

"Already in Utah, ive been paranoid and panicky all day. I havent felt like this since my last paranoid spiral a week ago,the Day I decided I needed to chase this mystery.

God,i can still remember the feeling of having my house in complete shutdown. All the Doors locked, it was GODDAMN awful.

I need a break before I actually have a public freakout and draw more attention to myself. I dont want to be even more of a target...or feel that way ever again.

Thought this trip would help me get out of the house and feel less paranoid. Having to be on the edge of yet another spiral is a Real gut punch to the Morale. Its just a few days more, I think I can hold out.

Hopefully."

Post breakfast,he resumes his Driving,checking his outside mirror more than he should. He double checks that his rifle Is at hand more than he normally would.

Oh he can already feel it setting in,the cold sweating, the anxious bounce of the leg, the way his fingers tap on the Gear shift in an uneven,inconsistent rythm. Its like a melody falling appart.

Hes out of synch,hes out of rythm,like a drummer messing up the beat of the song over and over again.

Lightheaded,his heartbeat is a drum in his ears,blasting and breaking his eardrums. Its awful, asphyxiating

With shaky,irregular breaths his eyes look for a motel nearby. He spots one in the map,one of the things he highlighted before the trip, and on the way there, he decided he needs to calm down.

It starts off with breathing excersices,deep inhales and exhales. Then,grounding excersices, 5 things he can see,four things he can touch,That sort. And slowly but surely,his breath Evens out,his heartbeat returns to normal and he feels back to reality.

Yet,it takes a toll on him. His body feels s lot weaker,more tired.

He hates it,he Hates that he knows whats the right thing to do. And so,he keeps Driving.

As he reluctantly pulls into the parking lot of the motel, Lucas mentally curses that stupid paranoia spiral that led him here.

The door to his van closes rather loudly,usually he is carefull with car Doors, but today hes pretty pissed, so he slams the door shut,catching the attention of a person leaning on the entrance to the motel.

But he doesnt notice them until he hears them go-- Damn,Rough Day.

You wouldve thought he could have broken his neck with the speed that he Turned to see the person talking to him.

Hes met with a rather short woman, around 5'3,short Bond hair,grey eyes and dressed in pretty comfortable normal clothes.

--You could say as much-- he replied, a little annoyed but trying to not lash out.

This girl can tell though, she notices the way his jaw sets and his eyes almost burn a hole through her head.

--You might want to find someone to look out for your van, shit's been crazy as of late.

Lucas squints at her,checking for anything that might confirm his suspicion.

And he does, he sees the glimmer of a badge poking out from the pocket of her jacket. But she looks a lot younger than him and hes too tired to throw down with anyone.

--Tough chance kid,now ive had a very,very,bad day so far. So,if you dont mind-- he starts before the woman stands infront of him. He snarls and hisses a growl,annoyance building up.

--look- I know what youre trying to do

--Youre a fed,'course y'do

--n' I think its the right thing-- she added,which made him back off just a little.-- I wasnt lying about stuff getting crazy,ill Keep an eye out on the van.

--And me

She rolled her eyes, pursing her lips and giving him a blank stare-- you wish. Im on your side and I think it would do you good to listen to what I have to say. Youre a Smart Man,arent you? So quiet down

Fine, hes playing along. Hes too tired to protest-- fine,what is your wisdom, oh great fed.

God,his sarcasm was really taking the wheel,huh?

--I am on your side,I dont think our little friend from the 60s should make a comeback,its too effective,too inhumane -- she explains,relaxing her posture a little since he is not an active threat.-- so you go sleep,hey some rest and get ready. Because theyre comin at you with everything that theyve got

Lucas sighs, nodding-- 'kay, fine so do I have to pay a bribe or something

--dont tempt me. But no-- she replied-- And also,theres this therapist in Milton-Haven,I know a guy whose sister is a patient of his,told me hes a great guy. His names something Wales. I think you could use the help

Oh,so he looks THAT traumatized,huh?

--Good to know I look that fucked up-- he snapped back.

--Brother,we have a whole file on you

--'course y'do

--I know you have PTSD. Trust me- ive bee-- im right there with you, theres help out there for you.

At that,his gaze softens,his heart feels like its being squeezed and his face changes. Hes no longer angry,he feels...sorry.

She can tell,and hes quick to recompose himself and scoff,trying to play it off by walking into the motel as he says-- Hide yer damn badge,yer Fed's showing.

The agent only chuckles at his flusteredness and adds-- sweet dreams,Mr.Cole.

Lucas books a room for the night. He gets set into bed,actually enjoying the comfort of the bed rather than be put off by it.  Hes that exhausted. With a deep breath,he allows his conscience to be taken over by sleep.

He finds himself in the barracks of the place they were stationed at. Hes enjoying the mildly Cool breeze that flows through the few Windows.

--Bored much,lieutenant?--Wheeler asks, with a smirk on his lips.

--oh hey Al-- he replied,as his friend sat down beside him on the bed.-- not bored its just...jetlagged

--yeah ive had that happen to me,itll take a few days to get used to it

--Its like ive been steamrolled-- he murmurs,rubbing his eyes-- im so damn Tir-- he yawns,cutting his sentence in hair--ed

Alphonso chuckled-- welcome to the world,kid. Hey,you wont Belive what I sneaked past the guards

A little curious he asks-- What?

Like a kid in christmas,his Friend pulls out two small Hershey chocolate bars-- the good stuff,kid.

--How did you even--He grabs one of the bars,its Cool to the touch-- how is it cold?

--i have my ways-- Wheeler answer with a shrug as he peeled open the chocolate.

--Who did you even have to bribe to get these past,well,everyone?!--Lucas asked, impressed,confused and slightly worried that this will come back to bite them in the ass.

--A true magician never reveals his methods,'n also you'd be surprised at the ammount of shit ive Snucked in-- his captain answered,taking a bite out of his chocolate-- Get rid of the evidence before it melts. Cmon

Enthusiastically,he mows down that chocolate,laughing along with Wheeler to some of his tales of Shenanigans past.

He awakens with a groan as he rolls on his back, his body feeling a little sore. It takes him a second to stand up,spending a few minutes laying on his back with one hand on his stomach and the other behind his head.

When he does eventually sit up,he rubs the sleep out of his eyes and a sleepy whine escapes him,sounding Like a half asleep kitten rather than a fully grown 55 Year old Man.

"13:05"reads the clock on the nightstand,he sighs loudly and gets ready to leave to get lunch. But when he opens the door he finds a cardboard bag with a mcdonalds emblem printed on it,and on it a note "Its not poisoned. YES this note Will make you think that it is, if I wanted you dead I would've Killed you in your sleep. Anyway I hope you had a good nap. -S.V."

And once again,just when he thinks his life couldnt get any weirder, life proves him wrong

Hes not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth,so he takes the food and eats. It disturbs Him a little that she got his order right too, but hes also not that surprised.

Once hes done eating, he goes to check on his van through the Window of his room. Still there,nothing out of place from what he can see, but Parked right Next to It  is a black SUV. He looks low key OFFENDED that she would park the very obvious fed vehicle right Next to his white van.

But then he stops and thinks about the absolute insanity that is having a white van Next to an unmarked SUV. Both of the most suspicious vehicles to ever exist on this planet,Next to eachother just hanging out.

For his peace of mind he figured its like negative plus negative equals positive. If people saw those two things there they'd think nothing of it because who would actually do that.

Yet before he backs off to Keep sleeping, he notices the Agent go into the SUV with what seems to be a happy meal box, and just sit there and eat as she listens to the radio.

He knows that federal agents are people just like he was,but actually seeing an agent jam out to aqua's "Barbie girl" was defenetly an experience. But he feels moved and only scoffs playfully,to then Grab a fresh pair of clothes and get into the shower.

Because of the day he was having,he didnt do his whole routine. He just did enough so his hair didnt look like complete shit and left It as it was,whatever happened to it was between him and god.

Tiredly,he hops into bed only to hear a rattle come from the cardboard box that was still on the bed. He reaches over only to find a green tamagochi in the bag,theres a note taped on it "a token of peace for when youre stuck in a traffic jam"

He snorts and decides to kill of some time by playing with the tamagochi. He'd have to look for tracking devices later,but that was an issue for future Lucas.

Current Lucas spends his time playing with the tamagochi for a few hours until hes ready to leave. He packs up his stuff,puts the little Toy in his pocket and goes to his van to shove all his shit in there.

But before he leaves, he goes to the store by foot, gets exactly two Hershey chocolate bars and returns.

--No wonder I caught your badge--He mutters,noticing the Window of the SUV rolled down half way. He grabs the Hershey chocolate that has a note on it and lets it fall on the drivers Seat, then he goes into his own vehicle and just as he closes the door he notices something.

Theres a small bundle of notes on the passenger Seat tied together with an elástica band.

He takes a few seconds to take a quick look at them, they're mayer documents, theres a list with adresses of buildings, a few with redacted notes.

And a little post it that says "if anybody asks,I didnt get them for you. This never happened,I dont exist. Also itll do you good to find Dr.James. safe trip"

Lucas raises a brow but sets the papers down, and just as he pulls away from the parking lot,his fed friend comes from the inside of the motel and watches him leave. He salutes her and she salutes right back, leaving her to Snicker to herself.

She gets into her car only to notice the chocolate bar with the note, she takes it and it reads "thanks for looking out for my van. Consider this your Bribe- LT.L.C." and underneath it theres a small Killroy drawn with the phrase "get killroiy'd" ,The agent snorts and gets into her car.

She needs to think for a damn good lie to tell her assigned battle buddy,a guy by the last name Dwight,who she left on the dinner they had breakfast at whilist waiting for Lucas to show up. She knew it had to be good,if not her fellow agent would go and check it out, and she did not like his odds against Lucas.

They werent particularly close. Hell,shes never heard of the guy before this very day. But both were there to hold eachother accountable just in case, and the guy had a reputation for taking matters in his own hands If he wasnt satisfied with the results of others.

For some reason,the mere thought of that left a sour taste in her mouth. She had to be careful about this to not out herself,or hey anyone in trouble or worse.

Regardless,Most of Lucas' night drive goes by without any issue,most of the night though. He catches another loose interaction in that no longer dormant frequency.

He stops the van on the side of the road,nothing but Rolling fields of wetlands around him. Theres cicadas and grasshoppers serenading the moon that night as it peeks from the dark clouds. If you were to stand there for a bit, you'd feel very alone very quickly. Its really unsettling.

Theres a bit of static but not enough to the Point that its a garbled mess, he hears a female voice, has to be early thirties.

《Confirm arrival of shipment,over》

And a male voice answers 《confirming arrival of shipment. ETA a few months,still waiting on the ship. Over》

That same female voice replied 《ten-four.》 Then theres a brief pause,he hears an impatient sigh from the woman and then she adds 《Lets hope the ship doesnt crash or else we're all in big FUCKING trouble. Romeo Mike Julliet out》

He knew the shipment was a big deal but- hearing that Lady sound that impatient for it really Honed in the idea.

Lucas writes down what he heard and closes his Journal,and just as hes about to tuck in for the night, he hears the rustling of Grass and semi quiet footsteps approaching his van.

"Why is nothing ever allowed to be simple" he thinks,getting his gun ready and cocking it as silently as he could. He turns off the lights on his van,making it seem like hes going to sleep, he lays down,hiding himself between the dark shadows of the van as the moon gets covered by the thick stormy clouds.

When the head of his intruder is peeking through the half opened Window of the Man's back door he shoots.

Even if the rifle wasnt suppressed, nobody wouldve heard the shot in the middle of that field Clad road. The body falls and he waits for a shitstorm.

But its quiet.

And then his mind goes to that agent he met,his blood freezes and he tenses up. The Sky gets struck with thunder so loud it might break the heavens in two, the rain pours down on the earth.

Oh no

The doors SLAM Open as he looks at the short figure laying limp on the road. His breath quickens as he steps out and hovers over the body.

Blood gets swept by the rain,the thunder illuminates the fields in brief flashes of white light,like a roar from a celestial lion.

On the side of the road,the green Grass gets stained crimson and as his heart beats to the rythm of a thousand drums,to the Point that it drowns out the storm...

He sighs in relief as he sees its another agent,a guy,pretty short in statue. His eyes catch the guy's CIB badge strapped to his belt --OH THANK GOD

But then the reality sets in, he just Killed a CIB agent.

Oh.

Shit.

Like a bat out of hell,he hops right back into his van and drives the whole night through,soaked in rain and checking his back every four minutes. By sunrise he makes it to Nevada and stays in the most hidden,most inconspicuous cheap motel he can find. He just fucked up. Big. Time.

[the1975attheirverybest]

not to come across as a performative leftist like you can't make these jokes aaahhh. obviously don't make jokes that actually hurt people but i think from a white cis male inherently those jokes come across as hurtful even when not intended to be. and while I think there could be a case for looking at the bigger picture also i think if you are hurting people you should be critisized and yes allow mistakes but when you are super privlaged and saying that while having made mistakes it comes across as saying you should ignore those doing harm. like a lot of the jokes are arguably not wholly harmful like i dont think he would have genuinely had anything to follow on from trans people in sport but when you are not trans (i am) it comes across as a bit tone deaf especially considering the state of politics in the US currently.

and like critisize the right and question the left but when you are privilaged and you do it by making racist jokes and nazi solutes it comes off across as genuinely hateful and like i know ur not and ur fans know but also do they? because you are a guy on stage who we don't know and when you don't adress anything (other than saying its a performance and a bit) or sit down with anyone other than white men to talk about it it comes off as hateful. and it's really hard to come across as critical when it seems genuine and you have to do the 'well but actually he is a good guy but he is pretending' like look at jshlatt because that's a 'bit' but its fucking harmful.

though i do think the idea that music and concerts should be more widely seen as an art space is interesting because if it was someone in a movie/theatre production doing a nazi solute you wouldnt hate the actor. but i think when thats not assumed because its a gig and you say risque shit and you dont necessary put the work in (like obviously he has morals and has been vocal about misogyny and racism previously but thats not always super apparent especially when they don't know you. and like when he attempted to coerce amelia into a kiss or he posts about hot women which comes across as weird and objectifying that is what people know him for to an extent (or at least my irls) its hard to explain to people that he's not like that.

as an aside I also think its interesting that he's gone super masculine 'I'm a man I'm a male I'm a he' after so many years of being disintrested and saying that he isn't interested in masculinty. like saying that being a leftist man is confusing despite saying previously in response to that sentiment 'just existing is confusing' so like is it all just a bit? we will never know and its both very cool and incredibly frustrating and i genuinely struggle to reach a solid conclusion and put it into definitive words

i think overall his performance is based on trust that he is not a bad person and while i believe that its difficult if you don't know him personally and as a white cis man he has privilege so he doesn't have to worry about the repercussions of his jokes

(sorry if this is all a bit much i have a lot of thoughts) - 🐸

Thanks for offering this alternative perspective! I really appreciate it! I am, myself a woman of color, but I’m a cis woman, so I can’t speak for the experiences of trans people and how they are affected, nor would I ever want to invalidate your feelings. If that’s how you feel, and you genuinely find fault in the things that he does, I think you are well within your right! And you can be a fan of someone AND also criticize them. Like I hate that a second of the fandom is like “if you’re saying this it means you don’t get the band” or whatever. That’s not my intention here at alllll.

The way I see it is this, and please please please feel free to disagree with me! I think disagreement is healthy and helpful when done respectfully and I don’t mind it at all.

1. Matty has a lot of blind spots. Because of the very things you mentioned. I don’t wanna get us off track by bringing up a separate issue, so I won’t get into all the debating, but, like, his stance on “nepo babies” is kinda faulty and a little dumb, lmao. But I think he thinks the way that he does because he grew up around art and artists so those things come intuitively to him. Also, just bring a white, male, wealthy person makes him inherently privileged so his stance may not always be representative of most peoples. So, I agree with you that, sometimes, the jokes, well intentioned though they may be, come off as tone deaf. Like, let’s take the Japanese accent nonsense as an example. Matty isn’t racist. We all know this. DH represents a lot of poc and artists of Asian descent and we know he supports them fully, etc. his music actively tries to point out the ways that society marginalizes black and queer people. We know all that. But, my thing is, would he make that joke in front of a Japanese person? As a white guy, would he feel comfortable in doing that accent and have it come off as “just a joke” if the person sitting across from him were Japanese? My guess is he’d say no. Well, then, that’s a good measure for a joke that shouldn’t be told. If you can’t say it to the people it’s about, then maybe stfu. Like, he just straight up fucked up there. There’s no beating around the bush. He shouldn’t say it was art or whatever. He should just say he’s sorry.

2. I think your point about trust, and about people who don’t know his heart reacting differently, is EXACTLY why Matty does what he does. Like, progressive politics and standing up for the rights of marginalized communities should not cancel human decency. We shouldn’t be in a position, as a society, where we have to even say “no, no, listen, guys! He’s a good human! He actually wrote songs like Jesus Christ 2005, and Love It If We Made It! He’s a good guy!” Like why is that even necessary. Why is not the default of society to say “I don’t hate you as a person and want to cancel you, but, look man: what you did/said is fucked up. And here’s why.” Like, his thing is based on trust because trust SHOULD BE the norm. (Obviously, don’t extend that trust to the Epsteins and Weinsteins and Cosbys of the world, they don’t deserve it). Like the norm should be saying “no. This is bad. Here’s why. Do better.” Without all the moral outrage and performant I’ve nonsense that we do around it, you know? I think that’s what frustrates Matty and that’s why he does that stuff. It’s also unfortunately why it doesn’t work. Cuz people who don’t know him ARENT trusting him. So it’s not gonna work. Perhaps the goal here is to point out the problem within our society. But I’m not sure that the people who hate him are seeing it that way. They don’t realize that they need to be more compassionate. They’re patting themselves on the back for “canceling” him. So…is his goal accomplished? Not really. Sadly.

3. I think it’s inherent in his job as an artist to criticize culture, to ask uncomfortable questions, and to observe and react to his surroundings. I don’t think he’s suddenly saying “I’m a man, I’m a make, I’m a he.” I think, as he has said in the past, he grew up privileged enough to be in a position where he didn’t HAVE to question his sexuality. Cuz he was surrounded by artists, queer people, liberal values, etc where progressive ideals were the norm. That’s not the experience of all of us. I think he took the fluidity of gender and masculinity for granted when he was younger cuz he’s been lucky enough not to have to assert his identity day in and day out cuz nobody is writing legislation to criminalize him. However, as he has talked about before, seeing his own gender react the way that it has post- Me Too, and seeing how the right has capitalized on men’s issues, and seeing how western societies here in the US and elsewhere have been rapidly regressing, he feels more aware of his position, wants to express the frustrations, and wants to think about the issue alongside the culture. I think that’s a function of maturing and growing up, and also just being alive in 2023. If you’re a thoughtful person who is concerned about the future of mankind, then you can’t really not get socio-political. How could he remain silent when all this shit is happening? The 1975 has never been the type to be silent. So, I don’t really think this is a recent thing nor do I think he’s asserting his own masculinity. I think he, like all of us, is going “what is the role of the leftist male in todays world? Especially if you reject performatism , fake wokeness, etc.” that’s a valid question that he has every right to ask!

Does that make sense? Just how I’m viewing it. But like I said, please do feel free to disagree with me!

[strwbrymlkshake]

I don't think I've ever been in a relationship this healthy before I don't know what to do 💀

[kadssp]

im ngl, i just found this page. but ive spent like two hours scrolling on it 💀 my opinion may not be as valid as some older content enjoyers here, but i offer this as a contribution to the ‘afab/amab’ dispute. i truly do understand the want for trans inclusion. it’s hard to find for someone who is trans, but it’s equally as hard to interpret what is acceptable to then trans identifying. there are many factors to work into it, such as if you were to write in an in-transition-currently character, or pre-transitioning character, etc. as author kandi is not trans, it could be very hard for author kandi to interpret the trans perspective of it all. in addition, you all show so much aggression when author kandi tries to avoid offending or hurting someone this way and also staying true to the style kandi prefers. what happens if author does try and gets it wrong? youve only proven that it wont end well, and it’s safer to stick to what kandi DOES know. but!! this does jot mean author kandi is unknowing of anything outside of being cis. kandi is afab (i think so i havent read that anywhere but if it is and im just blind im so sorry if im wrong), and is still female. they know what thats like, they fully can write on that and have it make sense. and i have a final point to touch on- i am a nb afab. do the “good girl’s” not register as well in my mind? no, but it’s not borderline cyber bullying worthy. you can read past it. there are also other options like the gender neutral posts. do those not cater to what you want to read just as well as gender-specified? and if it’s about to horny, then for ffs, if it’s not good enough for you then write your own. author kandi is trying her best to captivate as large of an audience as possible while still staying true to her nature as an author. authors have driven themselves to madness over the tiniest details brought up by scrutiny. but when authors, like kandi, have alternatives to fix what you believe to be the issue, why are you still complaining? your problem has a solution, just stop being a jackass. and like others have said, you CAN and have FULL RIGHTS to be specific in your asks. it’s that easy to just mention a “im a trans reader, is there anyway you could incorporate more feminine/masculine details in this piece of writing youre going out of your way to write for me and a couple hundred other people?”

(im so sorry this is lengthy 💀)

i dont have anything to add to this, you’ve said it perfectly and i couldn’t agree more. thank you for writing this out and explaining it very well, im grateful truly.

yes i am afab and still female. yes i do go with what im most comfortable writing by default, what i can write that i know enough knowledge of and can make sense with. that happens to be afab(fem!reader for those would need it anymore specific) since it’s the easiest for me to understand of course.

however like you said in this, if i did try to portray a trans!reader, what if i did it wrong? what if i was misrepresenting, i feel like that alone would hurt someone more than when im writing something i know how to write easily. im not against writing for trans or anything! even if it‘s difficult im willing to try it because i want my blog to be open and welcoming for everyone. it’s why my second option was gn!reader and that should’ve been enough for you (the ones that got pissed at me) but you focused on one smut fic you read that showed up in the tags, that happened to be an afab fic i wrote that you immediately assumed would be what you’re looking for. and it can be, if you’re willing to read it and replace terms, titles and words used.

so thank you for writing this out. nothing i could add or disagree with. i’ll always try to be a open blog now and in the future, even if my works dont target every audience. anyone is welcome here, and anyone can request as long it specifies what needs to be known for me, the writer.

[lilacandladybugs]

I personally am not religious at all but I've always tried my best to respect those who are and I think it's pretty lovely that you have something like that to help you feel safe and comfortable!

I hope this doesn't come across as demeaning but, I kinda find it interesting?? to have that sort of blind faith and belief is just interesting and kind of neat to me I suppose

I don't understand but I'm happy that you have something like that to keep you up in trying times :]

I'm glad that you feel that way! Also I'm not offended lmao you guys are all really friendly and I don't think you want to offend me so I will always take it that way. I am going to clarify something but I'm pretty sure this isn't what you mean so just for passersby~

Blind faith in anon's words i think means like belief in something that I can't see, which is valid, but some people use it to mean faith beyond reason so I'm going to briefly walk you through some thought process so you know that I didn’t just randomly choose this lol

I think the real reason I believe in God is this realization that we all to some extent believe in something, have faith in something. Even if you are agnostic, people still have to choose how they actively live their lives. Agnostics usually end up functioning as atheists, they don't know who God is, and so they function like he doesn't exist.

So we all at some point end up betting our lives on some belief system. We bet our present life, and any potential future life, on what we think we can understand right now. We bet our lives that God doesn't exist, or we bet our lives that he does. And even if someone chooses not to think about it, they're betting their lives that it isn't important.

We also all have to have a level of blind faith (imo), we believe that we can think, we believe that goodness or badness exists. We believe that reason exists, we believe in logic, in science, in our senses. Faith is just an assumption that something is true, and you can’t use logic to prove that logic is valid, so at some point you have to take it on faith. All premises are at some level an act of faith.

So then the question becomes, since I can’t know anything 100% certainly but I literally have to choose something, what do I choose? What seems most likely?

To me, it seems more likely that God aligned the stars and placed the Earth precisely where it is than that it happened by chance. It seems more likely that information came from an informant than that it came from no where, and it seems more likely that life came from a source than that life came from death. 

It seems more likely to me that Jesus was who he said he was than that he was just a good person, because good people don’t lie, they don’t mislead entire populations to bet their lives on a lie. But Jesus claimed to be God and he seemed like a good man. It seems more likely to me that the Bible was the word of God than that it was able to be constructed over thousands of years by people who never knew each other in three different languages and still survived thousands of years.

And the one that hits the most is that I think it is more likely that people matter than that they don’t. It’s more likely in my mind that morality exists than that it doesn’t, and if it does exist it must have been defined by someone outside of ourselves, thus making it more likely to be God.

Here is an excerpt I wrote from this post, that explains a little bit more:

Nietzsche, Kant, and Epictetus are all similar in that i have the same issue with all of them. They all want to put the anchor of meaning within the individual human. But i swear to god when i say that i want to hug my brother again i dont just mean i want to hug a person, i mean that i miss that person, that there was something that was valuable about him not just to me but that was valuable to the entire universe, and that when he died that piece of the universe was lost. epictetus’ argument was that human beings are simply mortal beings, and so grieving them is an unreasonable reaction to that fact of reality - we are all going to die, so why get attached to people like they’re immortal?

Which raises the question for me, why do we grieve like we’re meant to be immortal? Why is it that the world trembles under the crushing weight of death? That even birds miss their mates when they die, that elephants linger by the graves of their ancestors, that dogs continue to look for their masters once they’ve passed? Are we, like epictetus nietzsche and kant too, are we the only possible anchor for meaning? Do things in and of themselves mean nothing except in relation to us, so we can’t say, “death is bad,” but only, “death is bad to me”? it just doesn’t seem true

That’s who I’ve come to understand God to be. Things are complex and full of logic and information and cohesion, because when God spoke the universes into existence he planned it out carefully and tenderly. Things want to be loved and cared for and valued because God is triune, he exists as one God with three persons, loving one another for all of existence, and creating life to share in that eternal love with them. Human beings grieve one another’s deaths like we aren’t meant to die because we weren’t meant to die, death was a natural result of our decision to part ways with the giver of life, and leaving him meant that we die, and it isn’t how it’s meant to be, it’s one of the greatest tragedies to ever occur. When my brother died it felt like the universe lost something that was intrinsically valuable, not just to me, because my brother was created for a purpose by our creator, and his meaning is anchored not in my human flesh that will pass away but in the very foundation of our known universe, in the character of who God is.

--

Anyway if you’re interested I can send you some philosophy and history behind why I believe what I believe, it for sure wasn’t developed out of no where I’ve spent years questioning it and thinking about it. But most people don’t want to read that much so if you want more you can hmu in messages or send another ask idk XD 

Thanks anon! Sorry for hijacking your ask I know you aren’t that interested lol

[phoneybeatlemania-bit-the-dust]

I’d disagree with the anon that Paul was “incapable” of love, but I do agree he was very distanced, and pretty cruel (to women) when he was younger. (It was unfortunate they bought into the love at first sight myth, but he was also a charmer, and dropped affection and got colder after fucking them.)

But I just can’t see romantic interest on Paul’s end. I’m sure he loved John, but a lot of the “sexual/Romantic evidence” really can just be as construed as platonic love. I feel there may be some confirmation bias looking for “clues”. (Not an attack on anyone, but some of the analysises seem to try too hard, really).

He does make references, with the whole “calling him babe during concerts”, and “in bed” but that could just mean he’s not uncomfortable with coming off “gay”. He has a quote about it somewhere I think. He’s supportive of the community at any rate.

This is kind of my own bias, but at times I think he…plays it up a little during the present day? Again, I’m positive he did love John a lot, but with how he is, a charmer, good at manipulating his image, he knows there is a benefit to building up the “magical” Lennon McCartney dynamic. John’s dead, and the old conflicts have faded, so he has no reason not to. I don’t think he’s anti-social, or a psycho or anything, but he certainly does put a lot of thought into his image, especially now, with how he wants to leave his legacy.

I’m less knowledgeable about John, and the speculation about his mental illnesses, but on his end, I can certainly see it. Maybe he’s just blind, but the looks are very much…yeah. He does seem to rely Paul a lot, and hold him in very high regard (REGARDLESS of what those old male biographers might make of him). You just know he was suffering over Paul, poor bastard.

Not sure if anything happened. I think Paul knew though, and either ignored it, or was kind, knowing John wouldn’t act on it. OR he didn’t notice! With the whole “we shared beds A LOT. you would think he’d make a pass at me, darling~”

I guess that’s how I see it. I don’t really have strong feelings on the nature of their relationship, or want them to be “confirmed”, so I try to be as objective as possible! Not a shipper, but not a male biographer. In fact, I was very put off learning the ship was a thing at first! With every fan base “having to” ship the main male leads, that’s what I thought this was. But after three years, reading actual books, primary stuff, I’ve began to change my mind on its legitimacy, and this was my conclusion. But new information can always change!

(Sorry for the long long analysis, god! I just took my adderall and I should go eat! Feel free to block me for spam/harassment.)

Yeah, this is basically my big mclennon dilemma: did Paul love John?

Of course he loved him, but I mean did he harbour any homosexual feelings towards John - and I just go back and fourth on that a lot.

In my last response to an anon I wasn’t necessarily trying to argue that Paul was romantically/sexually attached to John, because all in all, I don’t believe he did - but it probably came off that way because I didn’t particularly like the way the anon had phrased some stuff (like calling him “a master manipulator” and “incapable of love”) and so I just sort of wanted to show that the relationship was more nuanced then just “john was simping for paul”. My overall point with that response was more so that whilst I think Paul struggles in showing real affection and emotions, I don’t think he was incapable of love prior to Linda. I think he did really love John (in whichever form of love you want to take it: romantically, platonically etc.)

And so my point I guess wasnt so much that Paul was always capable of love (because I think he did at least love his family, his close-friends, probably Jane etc.), but maybe more so that he was always capable of intimacy with another person, though he struggled with it.

But yeah, he was quite cruel to a lot of the girls he slept with in the 60s, but I wouldn’t say that suggests he was incapable of love (i know thats not what you’re saying but other people might interpret it through that lens) I would just say he was young, dumb, ridiculously rich and famous and not emotionally mature enough yet to really empathise with most of those girls. Not trying to completely excuse him, but like, i dunno, i always just try to view people from the most human perspective. Everyones an twat sometimes yknow

I also really struggle to see romance on Pauls behalf towards John - the only times I think “wait but maybe he did fancy john back” is when I read some of his lyrics (like in ‘Coming Up’, ‘Yvonne’s The One’, and to some extent ‘Here Today’ - though I think interpreting Here Today as strictly platonic love is still a valid interpretation). I mentioned this in a different post though, that analysing his lyrics just isnt particularly convincing for me, because it feels more like speculation - and also as someone who does write songs, I know that a lot of lyrics just arent as deep as we wish they were. It is really difficult to be truly introspective and honest in a song, without exaggerating or hyperbolising or fictionalising any autobiographical aspects.

I do see your point with Paul possibly playing up the “Lennon/McCartney m a g i c” - im not entirely sure how much I agree, but I do agree to some extent. I think he’s always been very image conscious, and being in what is probably the all-time most famous pop band definitely wouldve heightened that. Even as a teenager I think he’s always just had this natural charm about him, and that tends to stem I guess from a need to be liked; I think you can see it in every interview he’s ever done to be honest. Its not necessarily a bad thing, (because id take a charmer over a rude knobhead any day) but I guess it sort of just shows that Paul is flawed like everybody else. Also, just read @mothernatures-sons tags and I agree with her - Paul just knows when to be a nice person! Nothing wrong with that! It isnt manipulative like the last anon suggested, its just how most people are: polite :) Ive heard a lot of anecdotes from people who have worked with or met Paul and the majority of them say he was a just a nice guy. Not saying he was never an arsehole (cause yeah he was pretty cruel to those girls in the 60s) but I think overall, hes a pretty good guy 👍

On the other hand though, you could also say that superficial journalists are looking for superficial answers - and Paul knows what the people want to hear. But occasionally ill hear an interview that does seem more intimate then most - I havent listened to it in awhile, but the interview he did with Sean I remember felt more honest to me then most. And when he said he’d like to spend the day “in bed” with John, to me that felt like a genuine and fitting response. Because, whilst it has sexual connotations, it also just feels like he’s saying he’d just like to sit around, chat, dont chat, just whatever with John for a day. Like he would just like another moment of intimacy with him.

I think we are pretty much in agreement on most of this though! At first I was also like “nah, mclennon isnt real, teenage girls just love shipping guys!” (I am a teenaged girl and I can confirm this lol) but then it just sort of became apparent to me through reading more and more about their relationship that there probably was something more on Johns behalf. If John wasnt in love with Paul, then it feels as though a lot of things he said and did just dont add up (the big one for me is him marrying Yoko so soon after Paul married Linda - like I really cannot come up with a heterosexual explanation for that!)

But when it comes to Paul, though ill have moments of doubt, I dont think he was in love with John (homosexually) and I do think a lot of the evidence on Pauls behalf seems like a stretch (but like you, im not having a go at anyone, because I understand that it is easy to carried away, plus its fun - but realistically, most of Pauls evidence just is not convincing to me). He’s comfortable with his sexuality, and I really do try to respect that and not force a gay interpretation of quotes or songs from him, unless it is genuinely making me question his sexuality and mclennon.

PS dont worry, I didn’t take this is spam at all!! And also, I would never block someone just for disagreeing with me! I enjoy discussion and I think its good to engage with people who disagree with you! To be honest, id only block someone if they were purposely being a real arsehole <3

[chibimyumi]

how would you describe ciel’s and sebastian’s relationship? like yes literally it’s contractor and the one who agrees to the contract. but like their day to day relationship with eachother. i dont ship them but i love how they interact with one another but don’t know how to characterize their relationship.

Dear Anon,

O!Ciel and Sebastian’s relationship is not something I could fit into any inter-human relationship categories. This is because theirs is simply something that seems very unlikely for humans to have in our society. However, that is exactly what makes this master-servant duo interesting.

Most clinically, O!Ciel and Sebastian are indeed master and servant, child and adult. Though surely very rare, child-employers with adult-employees might exist in our world. What makes O!Ciel and Sebastian’s relationship unique is by no means limited to this ‘subversion’ of child-adult dynamic. Let us unpack this master-servant bond category by category, layer by layer.

1. Child vs Adult – Age Dynamic

A unique characteristic of O!Ciel and Sebastian’s relationship is how they do not behave like any child vs adult would. Sebas treats O!Ciel like a child, but he does not see his master as a child. And by ‘child’, I mean more specifically ‘a less-than-adult’ person. To Sebastian who is centuries old, a human who is 13 is as inexperienced and foolish as a 30 or 60 year old human. Instead, it seems like Sebas treats O!Ciel like a child only because it gets on his master’s nerves and it is entertaining.

We must remember that humans are cattle to Sebas, and that O!Ciel is no exception. For analogy’s sake, let us imagine a pig. Humans usually don’t have a higher regard or respect for adult pigs than they have for piglets. We don’t take adult pigs more seriously than we do piglets.

2. Master vs Servant – Power Dynamic

The most unique part in O!Ciel and Sebas�� relationship is not that a child is the employer of an adult, omnipotent demon. The uniqueness is in the detail that this specific employer has absolute command over Sebastian, and can even use the demon’s powers against him at will. We see in the Werewolf Arc for example, how O!Ciel has practically already broken his end of the contract. Sebastian was in full right to claim his payment for his service and return home. But since the contract was technically not over yet, O!Ciel stopped the demon from exerting his right with just one simple phrase: “it’s an order.”

Sebastian may seem all-powerful, but if O!Ciel wishes to make Sebas do something against his will, O!Ciel merely needs to use the binding magical term “it’s an order”. This binding term is so powerful it can infringe all of Sebastian’s personal autonomy, and it would be ““legal””. What if Sebas doesn’t want to be touched? “It’s an order, let person X touch you and get away without harm.” What if Sebas doesn’t want to expose himself to lethal danger? “It’s an order, do it anyway.”

This is the reason why SebaCiel could never work (even if O!Ciel were an adult!), simply because the power balance is inherently tipped way too much to O!Ciel’s side. A romantic and/or sexual relationship cannot work as long as the power balance is off, and true consent cannot be given on all sides. Consent that can be coerced, or cannot be withdrawn freely, is not true consent, after all.

3. Master vs Servant - Bickering

There is a lot of back-and-forth bickering between O!Ciel and Sebastian, which is very uncharacteristic of employer-employee relationships (No way I’m going to bicker against my boss!) Sometimes the bickering is light-hearted and comical, and I surmise this is part of the reason people might have the illusion that their power-dynamic is not completely off (as described above).

This light-hearted bickering is a great appeal, and it makes the master not behave like a full master, and the servant not like a full servant. On surface their contract bears semblance to a friendly relationship wherein both parties also fulfil their respective roles in this employment. This is a powerful ingredient in their usually fantastic cooperation during their missions! O!Ciel allows Sebas some freedom (when he sees fit), while Sebas returns this ‘kind gesture’ with helpful initiatives (when he sees fit). I dare say that many if not most ‘Kuroshitsuji’ fans are here exactly for this reason. Regardless of how fantastic this cooperation might be however, at core their relationship is still ‘employment’.

On the darker side however, this bickering is also one of the fruits born from insidious manipulation. In this post I discussed how Sebastian stretches his arms and legs as WIDELY as possible within his tiny constraints. To a certain extent, O!Ciel turns a blind eye (pun not intended) to it. Why though?

Of course O!Ciel is not a complete tyrant towards Sebastian, but this is the result that Sebastian managed to fight and win for himself. All the way back in chapter 138 Sebas didn’t even know O!Ciel yet, and yet he already made very clear that:

He should not try to exert too much control over him

That if he does try to do so, he should be careful with words

That if he is not careful, Sebas will take any opportunity to punish him for careless word-choice

In this small incident O!Ciel learned that if his demon misbehaves, he’d have himself to blame. THIS is the silent lesson Sebas instilled into the boy; that if Sebas mistreats O!Ciel, it is not Sebas who crossed boundaries, but that O!Ciel didn’t set the boundaries right. “O!Ciel had it coming”. This lesson taught by Sebas leans dangerously close to – if not downright within – the category of victim-blaming. (Sebas you trashy Trash Demon™, I love you.)

3.1. Circus Arc

So far in the manga, the most obvious example of this victim-blaming dynamic is the incident with the snakes in the Circus Arc. Sebas very clearly reminded O!Ciel that he is not above allowing his master to get hurt semi-mortally. O!Ciel was seething when he found out, and justly so. But did Sebas show any remorse? Of course not. Instead he blamed O!Ciel for:

Not being careful enough with his commands

Being too boring to see the ‘fun’ in this game

3.2. Jack the Ripper Arc

Far more dramatically, this same victim-blaming dynamic can found in the Jack the Ripper Arc, and this one arguably even dictated how O!Ciel is going to become as a person.

In the Ripper Arc Sebas also obeyed O!Ciel’s order to the T. But that’s it; only to the T and nothing more. Because the demon deliberately withheld information from his master necessary for the investigation, more victims fell while the case was still in O!Ciel’s hands. Who gets the blame? Jack the Ripper obviously. But who is made to bear the guilt? O!Ciel is; through the victim-blaming Sebastian made him internalise.

O!Ciel is still O!Ciel, so he probably didn’t really lose any sleep over the deaths of 5 people. But had he not been him, then surely this guilt would have been mind-crippling. However, we need to bear in mind that O!Ciel was not unaffected; had Sebas not withheld information, then O!Ciel would have stopped the murders earlier, and presented a scapegoat to the Queen. Let’s be fair, had Madam been arrested then she’d still be awaiting capital punishment. But as the Watchdog, O!Ciel pulls some strings. He would have tried VERY hard not to lose his aunt too.

As it is however, the enormous guilt about the death of his own aunt is what Sebas made O!Ciel suffer through slow and insidious manipulation. Sebas never gave O!Ciel the time to mourn his aunt, and instead pressured the boy into admitting that he ‘callously sacrificed Madam as a pawn’. He made him mentally TAKE the blame for the murder that Grell committed, and Sebas could have helped prevent.

As we can see in chapter 13, O!Ciel was desperately trying to externalise the blame, coming up with excuse after excuse, justification after justification. None however, works. Good seasoning skills, Sebas, amazing food-prep.

I am fairly certain that O!Ciel doesn’t even realise how much he’s being emotionally manipulated by his butler throughout the years. This insight about emotional manipulation and psychological abuse is something that requires a level of abstract comprehension we cannot expect from most people, let alone a 13 year old child (however smart they may be.)

4. Conclusion

In conclusion, both Sebas and O!Ciel exist in this relationship rather amicably on surface level, but they are inherently toxic to each other. Sebas is continuously manipulating and emotionally abusing O!Ciel, while O!Ciel holds the absolute power to infringe all of Sebastian’s autonomy.

This ⇊ illustration by Yana is the perfect symbolisation of their bond.

We can attach adjectives like “f*cking toxic” and “fascinating” to this relationship, but we can’t find a category of inter-human relationship to fit O!Ciel and Sebastian into. In real life there are no children who can wield magical command to strip someone entirely of their autonomy. Likewise, there are very few adults who would not consider a child as ‘less-than-adult’. Should we try to shoe-horn O!Ciel and Sebas into a human category, then we risk over-simplifying this relationship. Over-simplification of this relationship can be very harmful, because the subverted formula of “child-master and adult-servant” SEEMS to compensate for the inherent power imbalance.

Yana however, managed to write this relationship SO brilliantly complex, that Sebas will always remain the servant who is at O!Ciel’s mercy, while O!Ciel suffers continuous mental abuse despite holding the ultimate ace card against a demon. This complex relationship is the ultimate evidence that even the most toxic relationships can look functional on surface level, and I love hating it!

I hope this helps give some insight!

[spade-riddles]

"Adjusting Expectations" Post

This submission received a lot of responses and 120 notes, so I thought I would compile the comments here.

Anonymous said:

Adjusting expectations anon was so good. If their timetables are right and we do just need to be patient a little longer, can Kaylor please send us a sign? I guess it would be too loud to slip "adjusting expectations" into social media posts, but maybe they could both do something with playing cards? To show they are card sharks right now but they'll find their way home eventually? That would reassure people. And it would fly under the radar.

casuallycruel131313 said:

I agree with a lot of this but I think the main issue right now is that moral and ethical lines have been crossed and there's no coming back from that. In these post-Trumpian insurrectionist times it's unfathomable that they could continue the Kushner narrative I no longer care if or when they come out, I enjoy the music and I'm happy to observe from a distance because I'm interested from a PR/marketing point of view but my opinion of T &K as people has changed irrevocably and I don't see how they can clean the tarnish off.

@theprologues said:

Agree with most of not all if this but I would like to say as a Kaylor the toe Grammy stunt didn’t phase me. I was not crushed by that by any means. I just shrugged and honestly expected it. It was the attributing Betty and exile to him during the LPSS in November that bummed me out and really made me go...really?

rockcrow20 said:

Have to say I also agree with most of this.

I no longer have any expectations on anything changing any time soon and have not been surprised by the recent events its to be expected after everything over the years really

Nothing has really changed (bearding narrative wise) since I fell down the rabbit hole in 2017 (except that great night in nashville 2018 rep)

Honestly I can't say I am as invested anymore about them ever coming out as I was.

I think the wb/Joe thing was the last moment for me and the continual kushner connection just troubles me like many others.

I mean my kaylor motto for awhile now has been hope for the best but expect disappointment.

Low expectations = limited feelings of disappointment.

original-cypher said:

@rockcrow20 the WB was a breaking point for so many. You are absolutely right. There are just so ma'y contradictions that feel like absolute whiplash. (I know I seem to have been the only one experiencing that with Gorgeous but... that was a big one for me, too) But like. You go on a whole PR campaign about speaking up and standing up for yourself. You say you're capable and tired of men trying to take ownership of your success and profit off of your name. And you credit you literal damn work to a bloke? Bitch, 'consistency'? Look it up. It grossed me out. It would have felt iffy if I believed they were real. But since I wasn't born yesterday it just sent me the message "this is how far I'm willing to sacrifice my principles to not be queer".

rockcrow20 said:

@original-cypher exactly why it bothered me and I know alot us so much. Such mixed messaging of being a strong fighting for your rights female and then oh hey let me attribute some of my best work to my pr boyfriend and the pr pics where she is walking behind all the time like 🙄 The Betty thing that was big one for me too!

rainbowdaisy13 said:

This write up and the comments are spot on. I don’t have much to add other than like @original-cypher said, Miss Americana is tainted for me now and seems like at the very least, it was released too soon in the plan. I get we think they have had to pivot but man, that doc, and including her literally saying “gay rights make me me” at the end was such a false flag. To see her wax poetic about not taking shit from men anymore and then see her do the same old hetero weak woman song and dance routine with the WB shit for albums that are of her genius mind has been so disappointing. I still believe Kaylor is real and I hope they get a chance to show the world that. Karlie posting that cardigan pic in the woods before the folklore release cemented for me they are still together. Adding a baby makes me feel all kind of weird ethical things but I hope I live long enough to see it play out and wear my I Told You So shirt 😁

@kellykaylor said:

agree with your post... I dont care about toe stunts but what really pissed me of was hetwashing betty 🤮! beautiful post tho anon!!

roameroo said:

Totally agree with these all comments especially the strong messaging of MA only to turn around & pull that WB = my "bf" crap. I was disheartened by her mentioning him at the Grammy's only bc he's getting credit for sh*t he doesn't/didn't do. That is what irks me the most about this, giving him credit for her life's work.

always-the-last-word said:

Can I throw my pennies in the pool ?? Taylor will put out the big three first Fearless, RED then 1989 that should bring us to about August. This is where the excitement should begin. If Taylor preps and waits for National Coming Out day it's a no lose for her. Lover her money making machine will go through the roof !! If things go bad or good in the public eye she'll have REPUTATION Taylor's Version ready to release. It will be epic and she'll own it and be FREE.

@karlie-what-you-want said:

always-the-last-word I like this take a lot! I try not to be too optimistic but if she wanted to come out sooner rather than later, I think this plan would satisfy both business and PR needs (at least on Taylor’s end). Remains to be seen how Tay will help Karlie dig her way out of the mess they made together regarding the K*shners.

always-the-last-word said:

Always remember that Taylor has a PLAN. Some of her plans are year's old (easter eggs). Taylor's one and only LOVE is her music, everything else comes second. If KK wants to change and be with her full time she'll make moves around the same time frame. That's if she chooses to. In any event Tay will be open and own all her music. I've seen this film before and WE might not like the ending.

chosetherose said:

I’ve been going back and forth for a day trying to figure out what I wanted to say when I reblogged this post. I’m tired. I’m frustrated. I understand I’m owed nothing by Taylor or Karlie. I understand that circumstances out of their control have caused the girls to pivot over and over again.

But, the root of my frustration in the past months stems not from me battling with the trivial (e.g. pap walks, etc.) but with my personal principles. I fiercely believe credit should be given where it is earned and I uphold this in my career regularly. To see Taylor crediting Toe with her art was deeply disappointing. Watch the 1989 and folklore acceptance speeches back to back and tell me it doesn’t upset you. I believe the K******s have blood on their hands and that their actions during the pandemic have killed people. To see Karlie still associating with one of them disgusts me.

I can’t help but think back in frustration - Would you really fall from grace to touch her face? (And in the brilliant words of @9w1ft) But would you die for her in public? I go back and forth feeling like questions like this aren’t fair at all and thinking they are sort of valid. At this point, it sort of feels like Taylor would only fall from grace for her lover if all the stars and facets of her life aligned perfectly. But perfection like this does not happen. Such is life. So why am I here?

I do question why Spade left certain messages in their final days. I am still holding hope a fervent revolution exonerates everyone. I so desperately want Taylor to regain control of her masters or re-records. Maybe this is the plan they thought was best with multiple goals in mind (re-records, having a family, coming out of the closet one day etc). I’m trying to remain patient because Spade told us to trust her endless yearning. But WOW it is asking a lot of us at this point.

Anonymous said:

Despite being a pragmatist kaylor and oftentimes getting into arguments with fellow optimistic kaylors (owner of this blog included) I think it's quite unfair -at this point- to say to the optimists who have patiently sat through the worst kind of stunts with the most terrible kind of people (yes I'm talking about the Kushner's friend group too) that they should have seen it coming. Besides, if it weren't for the optimists we the cynicals would have burned this fandom down by now.

Anonymous said:

Even if we ignore that an insurrection happened partially because of the family karlie's still working for and getting paid from, she literally said before the pregnancy debacle unfolded that j*sh was her last client while talking about cutting hair and doing a cutting gesture. How should we have interpreted that? 😤That a year later she would be more stuck with the Kushners than ever? We don't wake up on day and decide to have unrealistic expectations. She feeds into them. 😠

Anonymous said:

I have no expectation of Taylor coming out anymore. Zero. None. I have no expectation of her dropping Toe or even of Kaylor publicly reuniting. It doesn't even matter that much anymore. But I - do - expect 1 thing. Karlie to drop and completely dissociate herself from the Kushners and this has nothing to do with kaylor. It was everything to do with me being unable to support a person who willfully assists (now using her baby too) and receives money from a family that has made so many suffer.

Anonymous said:

A quick word from an ex-kaylor (who will never become an anti). A year ago, when the Trumps were still in power and untouchable and there was no baby, I was excusing and turning a blind eye to many things Karlie did for the K*shners. Even that dinner in September. I had also made peace with the truth never being revealed. But a year later the Trumps are gone, Karlie is still on full stunting mode now with a baby in the mix, a baby that is already being used by the Kushners, and I've really run out of excuses. Now the only thing that could possibly keep me on board is if I knew there was a good chance that the full truth would come out, so that Karlie's inexplicable and honestly borderline immoral actions could eventually make sense. But as your sub said, this is an unrealistic expectation, thus I became an ex-kaylor and I'm not planning to come back even when they reunite. 😕

Anonymous said:

What baffles me is that Taylor has explicitly expressed her regret about not giving her lover the credit she deserves and her doubt whether fame is worth hiding her true love: "when I walked up to the podium, I think I forgot to say your name", "what's a lifetime of achievement, if I pushed you to the edge". But yet again she didn't do anything to change this. I didn't expect her to acknowledge Karlie, but a nod or at least not falsely crediting her beard would be a good start.

Anonymous said:

1🙁 Let me chime in re: "expectations". I'm one of the kaylors who ever since the pregnancy reveal was trying to tell everyone there's NO way she was gonna dump him soon after birth let alone before that. It would bring too much unnecessary attention and Jerk would have never agreed to something that would make him look like a bad guy/husband. For the exact same reasons, I was also saying there's no way he wasn't going to post about the baby. All the above against the popular opinion back then.

2🙁 So I agree that the day of the birth post was known to T, not the timing though. Simply bc Kushner-leaning outlets made sure to note that detail. If they wanted it to go unnoticed, why draw attention to it? That being said, kaylors would have been more patient with this mess, if Karlie hadn't gone overboard with her freedom "smoke signals" last summer and Tay's "insiders" hadn't been insinuating that the end is VERY near. Both of them SHOULD have known by then how we would react to these.

3🙁 So it's natural that everyone feels played and has no patience for any more bullshit. Another sore point is how Jerk AND the Kushner-Trump klan monopolize the baby news. This isn't just to make it realistic, it's an abuse of Kaylor's baby's name to garner good pr for the worst family in America, with Karlie's blessing. In order for her marriage and split to appear realistic she's putting a LIFETIME burden on her child's back. Unless you believe she's eventually gonna say Jerk isn't the dad.

4🙁 So "we’re in a position we should realistically have been able to see coming". But we did see it coming, that why some made these extreme scenarios, bc this is the worst possible outcome. "Good people try to make it work, even in bad relationships." Ultimately this isn't just a "bad rs". It's a horrific association that should have been resolved ages ago, not one to bring your child into, doom it to suffer a similar fate, and expect people to sit idly and watch. That's what frustrates most.

[edge-lorde]

the religion of the galactic horde

“You seem reluctant to help me. But I only wish to use your weapon to bring peace to the darkest corners of the universe. (Glimmer: Peace? If you activate the Heart of Etheria, there will be no one left.) Yes. No war, no pain. Old worlds swept aside, a new beginning for the universe.” --Horde Prime explaining his motivations to Glimmer

the horde in shera was definitely inspired by Christianity and uses a lot of its imagery, the most iconic being the baptism scene. it certainly gives off the vibes of a christian or christian adjacent cult, but what is its actual doctrine? i have some thoughts about that. 

first here are what i consider to be the 3 main differences between real christianity and the horde: 

Their jesus didn't ascend to heaven. He's still with them.

They don't have a larger creator god. They worship horde prime like he is a living god but they don't believe that he created the universe.

They have no focus on the afterlife

this is going to be long.

before i begin heres the sparknotes version of christianity for anyone not familiar. I am not evangelizing this, just think of it as LORE. 

Once upon a time there was a guy named Jesus. He was the son of the one true god, who both created everything in the universe, is everywhere and knows everything, and controls the afterlife. Jesus is god born as a mortal person, sent by god to teach all of humanity the errors of their evil ways so they can repent and go to the good afterlife when they die. There're two afterlives, a good one and a bad one, heaven is the good one and its run by god and his army of angels, which are divine beings that god can send to earth to do things. The bad one is called hell. 

Anyway, in his time on earth jesus was the only person ever to never do anything bad ever (called sin). He tried to teach people how to be good but was Too Good for this Cruel World and was killed. 3 days later he came back from the dead, proving his divinity. Some time after that however, he ascended into heaven without dying, telling his followers to spread the word because hes going to be coming back. Christians today are still awaiting his return. In the meantime, christians follow his teachings left behind in holy texts. 

The crux of christianity is to get to heaven when you die, and this can only be done by following the teachings of jesus christ, believing in god, and believing that jesus was the son of god. Its a given that everyone will do bad things at some point in their lives so you're supposed to pray to god and ask for forgiveness regularly and if you really mean it then god will forgive you. 

thats the basics. 

to my first main point from above, if we posit that horde prime is the jesus equivalent of the horde religion, because hes treated as a living god, his goal is to spread his philosophy throughout the universe, then in the horde religions jesus never ascended into heaven. this would be like if jesus in our world rose from the dead and just picked up where he left off, and never died after that and was alive today. that would be pretty good proof of divinity. 

to my 2nd point, theres nothing in the show that suggests that horde prime thinks that he created the universe. this means that he did not get his divinity from anywhere but inside himself, hes not claiming that hes the rightful ruler of the known universe for any other reason besides his ideas are the best. 

the 3rd point is that the show does show horde prime or the horde caring one bit about the afterlife, save for one line from wrong hordak.

"Brother, I hope you, too, are full of only love for Horde Prime and have no crippling doubt eating at your soul."

meaning that they have the concept of the soul. which is very interesting and ill get to it, but on the whole the hordes focus seems to be on the here and now. this is a huge departure from christianity because chrisitanity is all about getting to the afterlife. that is the reason that christians are supposed to follow christ and recruit as many people as possible to do the same, because if they dont, they or other people will supposedly go to hell when they die. i say supposedly because at funerals, even if the person who died wasnt a believer, in my experience no christian would ever ever ever insinuate that someone went to hell. 

but the difference still stands. following real christian ideology is supposed to have benefits for the individual in the afterlife, while in the horde religion salvation seems to only be found by submitting to prime in this life and being either a tool that he can use to further his goal of purifying the universe or by letting him remove you from it. 

on top of all that, horde prime has the hive mind, which he uses to control the thoughts of all his followers. this means that theres no room for a bible study, no need of a holy text at all in fact, and no room for interpretation. horde prime delivers orders to your brain directly and can tell if you think anything out of line. real Christianity does have the idea that a sin that you just think about doing is as bad as actually doing it, but in the horde these thoughts can be easily discovered and punished. 

the horde religion seems to me to be a strangely secular version of christianity with only the bad parts remaining; the control, the blind faith, the certainty that you are right and everyone else is wrong, the not questioning authority. with none of the good aspects like community, and good deeds. it is a cult in the truest sense of the word, a religion that begins and ends with one person only, that person being horde prime.

so, if you take horde prime out of the equation, what, if anything, would be left? 

i find the plight of the horde clones here to be the most interesting. we know that they do have thoughts about their religion, as it was hordaks belief that he could earn his way back into horde primes god graces that kept him going all those years in despondos, and wrong hordak is distraught when he discovers that horde prime lied about krytis. 

unlike both the chipped people we see in the show and real religious converts, the clones were born into this cult that values blind obedience only, and have no prior ideology or cultural identity to fall back on when they are taken out of it. 

so to answer this question, i must add some conjecture to horde primes backstory and how the clones see themselves in horde primes universe. I already wrote up a brief backstory idea for horde prime/the clones and have it posted on here somewhere. I'm not going to dig it up but you could probably find it in the #horde prime tag on my blog if you dig hard enough. 

To summarize it though, I have it as horde prime was once a regular (bad) dude who became a cult leader under the premise of preaching peace --> he becomes disillusioned with people and even his own followers because he doesn't actually like people, he likes manipulating them. --> this and the power of being a cult leader go to his head and he starts to think that he is the only person in existence capable of living a moral life and everyone else needs to be saved from themselves, the world would be a better place if he could just make everyone's decisions for them. --> he somehow gets a hold of the technology needed to set up the hive mind, be it by inventing it himself, stealing it, finding it, or being gifted it. 

I'll pause here to address the theory that horde prime was originally an eldritch being that simply possessed a dude who would become the template for the clones. I think there's enough stuff in the show that this is a valid read and might even be canon but i don't really care for it. For me, what makes horde prime a compelling villain is that he's a very human evil, so having him actually be an evil demon thing instead of a really bad but believable dude who got near ultimate power weakens his character. BUT, i’m not going to address it in my comic so i'll leave it open as to whether he's got that going on or not. If he is, the clones don’t know about it and neither they nor the other characters have any way of discovering it. IF he is though, it would happen here. I could see it being a cool idea for him to get the hive mind from the eldritch being that would then possess him and haunt his lineage for time immemorial as a deal with the devil sort of thing, but he has to be a bad person before that.

Anyway he gets the hive mind--> he gets all of his followers to chip themselves --> gets those people to chip everyone else on his home planet --> use his planet wide army to harvest all resources on the planet and build his first space fleet and take to the skies and start his conquest--> realize that if he is to succeed hes going to need to both become immortal and find a steady source of new followers because chipped people die eventually and he doesnt care about people enough to figure out a way to keep a self sufficient population of followers alive, he just wants people around to adore him and do his bidding--> invents his cloning system-->

and heres the big one,

his original body has to die so he can upload his consciousness into a new clone.  

and THAT, to the clones, would be the moment that horde prime becomes a god.

his reliance on the hive mind and vast network of followers are what give him his godly abilities, but just as the horde clones could not exist without being cloned from horde prime, so too could horde prime not exist as he does in the show without them. 

i see it as both a christlike sacrifice and a cyclical system of debt and sacrifice. horde prime dies for our sins, so that he might continue to purify the universe so that there will be no more death and more clones will be born, while the clone hes possessing has to essentially die by giving himself up entirely to become the new prime so all this can happen too, and to repay primes death. not all clones can become the next prime however, but all must be ready to die for him, hence horde prime having clone infantries despite also having robots he could send instead. 

i dont have clear thoughts about what the green goo is, but horde primes words about his brothers lending him their life force go along with this idea. the clones give him theyre life force, so he can give it back to them.

another interesting aspect of this is that prime always portrays himself as a brother to his followers, never a father as christ is portrayed as in christianity. i know this is from hordak and horde prime being actual brothers in the 80s show but ive seen this trope come up a few times in media before, where a man raises a kid but has them call him their brother instead of dad. it seems so deliberate. because a parents job is to take care of you, but a sibling, might take care of you sure, but thats not their job. its like hes deliberately trying to place himself on the same level as his ‘sibling’ so he can demand the same amount of respect you would give to a parent without taking on the responsibility to not... ya know... screw them over in the head? idk it seems very slimy to me. but that says more about prime as a character than how the clones see him.

and we still have the concept of the soul to fit in here somehow, and do they have an afterlife? im going to say no to the afterlife. theres just not enough in the show to go off of and everything that we do know about horde prime points to him only caring about himself in life. HOWEVER, there is nothing more quintessentially christian than the concept of hell and i think that will be of use here. 

since the creation of the clones is tied with the creation of their religion, this would put the clones themselves less as allegories of people who need to be saved and more as the horde version of angels. in my telling here, horde prime views all people who do not submit to his will as net negatives to the universe who have to be removed for peace to exist, so by this view the chipped people are the saved, the people that horde prime kills are the sinners, and his military campaign is one long apocalypse slowly working its way through the universe, with the clones carrying out his righteous judgement. but the afterlife isnt involved in this, so even if some chipped people are left alive, eventually they will all die out, and then it will be just horde prime and is clones in a perfect, peaceful starless sky, and thats what heaven is. 

getting to heaven is the main goal of real christianity and it is the same in horde religion, but heaven isnt a place in the horde cosmology, its a physical goal that has to be created. not all clones will make it to heaven of course, because most will die before they reach total destruction of the universe but the clones arent supposed to think of themselves as individuals anyway. they have to be willing to die for horde prime and die for the cause or be cast out and thats hell. 

i dont see prime as someone who would kill his own followers outright too often even though he could. plus they arent supposed to value their individual lives the same way normal people do anyway it doesnt seem like a real punishment, they need something worse than simple death to fear. so by my view hell for the clones is separation from prime. it can be in life or death. no matter how bad it is in the horde being on the outside of it has to seem worse, and thats where the concept of the soul comes in. when one is a part of the hive mine, their soul is with prime. they are not supposed to have a will or any thoughts beyond love for prime, its essentially the same as not having a soul but they think of it as being at peace. being cast out is to be never at peace and would be told to them as being the worst possible thing that could ever happen to someone because it corrupts the soul. 

“a lot of unpleasant things happen in the horde so just imagine how terrible it must be outside of it! you cant because i protect you from that. now get in the goo, this is for your own good” - horde prime probably 

this is why outsiders are so resistant to submitting to primes light and also why its ok to kill them, in the hordes view. 

so, to start wrapping thigs up, there is no horde without horde prime. the religion starts and ends with him. because he is supposed to be the only person ever to be able to make true moral and just decisions, without him is followers cant take any actions without worrying that they are going against primes will. since they have no holy text they cant extrapolate and try to figure it out either. its up in the air whether or not they are going to find a way to get the horde to make the jump from cult to regular religion.

its late i got to go to bed now

[petewentzisblack1312]

Hi Dils!

So i've been reading your posts about all these artists who are terrible people, and it got me thinking...I never really understood this blind love, or better to say obsession with people who you haven't even met. I mean, i don't even know much (almost anything) about the solo artists and bands that i listen to, besides their names (the only band i know more about is fob). And that is maybe because i am interested in the art, not the artist...but can you detach art from artist? What do you think?

I mean i don't follow the artists i listen to on social media, i don't know anything about their lives, i just can't devote my time and energy to that, i am here only for the art they make. Is this wrong? I don't know, but there's just too much information and too little time.

And also is this wrong to still love the music if the person involved in making it happened to be not a great specimen of humankind? Vices&virtues is one of my favorite albums (it's the album by panic, their 3rd). And i do not support br*ndon, obviously, so i downloaded the album not to stream it, but i really like it, and br*ndon was still not the only person involved in making it, it even has some of pete's lyrics. So yeah, i don't like br*ndon, but i love the album. Is that wrong?

Do you listen to music you really like made by people who you found out to be problematic later on? Or do you just delete all those songs and forget it?

this is a really good question, and one without a clear answer. the truth is, you cannot meaningfully separate art from the artist. often people scream "death of the author!" and think that saves you, but death of the author is just a lens through which one analyzes media, and even to analyze media through a lens completely divorced from who the author was or is requires you to acknowledge that the work was created by a person who lived with interests and a politics and a personality. basically "the author is dead, long live the author".

that said, art also belongs to the people who consume it, just as much as it belongs to the artist. maybe moreso. people interpret it, and bring their biases and views to it, and see only an image of the authors soul through the windows to their own. you could go into a piece of work completely blind and come out with the exact interpretation the author wanted you to have, or something wildly unrelated to what they had in mind that makes total sense, or something that only makes sense to you with the life you personally have lived.

when it comes to long dead authors with problematic views, like, say, hp lovecraft (rest in piss) this is easy. the act of internalizing the way their fingerprints have been left in the clay, as it were, can be done without worrying about benefiting the person who left such ugly marks. that said, you do also need to scrutinize your own reading of it, what you like and dislike about it, and figure out whether or not it is a reflection of something you dont like in yourself, but you also have the benefit of hindsight, so this too is easier.

with people who are still living, though, its difficult to be certain. definitely do all you can to disavow the author and avoid giving them any free advertising or finances, and if there is a reading of the art that you feel certain is disconnected from the bigotry of the author, especially one that is important to you, i truly think you can enjoy the art they create mostly separate from the artist. the remaining connection cant be fully severed, but it can be acknowledged and scrutinized and you can continue to be aware of it. there is a way! its just takes a fair bit of dedication.

as for me, i occasionally indulge, but mostly i have to let sleeping dogs lie. i cant fully divorce the artist from any interpretation i come to. im terrible at death of the author style readings, personally, unless i literally dont know anything about the author. it just distracts me, ill just hear things that can be tied back to how shit they are all the time.

with b, he fucking sucks at everything he does so theres not a lot of him in anything these days to be totally honest, so id say youre fine by virtue of him being quite talentless and shallow.

[theunconcernedembalmer]

what’s the issue with elisop? is it just bc you hc aesop as ace? im so concerned by seeing ppl adamantly opposed to mlm/wlw ships but im also genuinely curious about why you dislike it and other lgbt ships so much lol

hmm. that is a strong accusation, n i find it just a bit odd. are you new here? or perhaps you are taking personal offense at my dislike towards a favourite ship of yours and using the lgbt argument as moral high ground?

whatever the case may be, i thank you for asking. if u r truly looking for an answer, its below the cut n it is very very long. mind u these are all my personal opinions n i am in no way policing how others enjoy ships. just in case this wasnt clear; i dont wish to start discourse on this blog, especially since my takes are probably... unpopular.

firstly i would like to address the “disliking lgbt ships” bit, because this has very strong implications in itself. i have nothing against lgbt ships. i enjoy them, even. if the two characters have chemistry between each other, i ship it. however, the moment characterization is broken for the sake of romance, i lose interest. this is generally my stance on ships in general, n this applies for both straight n lgbt ships. 

the ships themselves are fine. however, i do have issues with the ship dynamics, so ill let u in on that.

i want to touch on mlm ships in particular; i believe u are familiar with the top/bottom dynamic that is rampant in these kinds of ships? (i wont deny that this dynamic can be found in other types of ships, but for arguments sake i will be focusing on gay ships because i feel that this occurs more commonly here) its such a popular dynamic that is prone to stripping the personality from one if not both characters, only for them to be reduced to being dominant/submissive. for a character to be pigeonholed into a stereotypical category based on... preferred sexual positions? its just downright insulting, never mind the larger more problematic implications of it. top/bottom is not indicative of someones personality, by the way. flattening multi dimensional characters into these stereotypes is so so so insulting.

unfortunately this is The Most Popular portrayal of just about any gay ship around. ive seen it being used everywhere in so many fandoms n it just about becomes apparent to me that ppl come to stories looking for a Ship. not the stories, nor the characters, just a ship. while id like to say theres nothing wrong with that, keep in mind not everyone is just looking for 2 characters that look pretty next to each other. if i ship something, i see interesting n meaningful interactions between 2 characters, which is so often not the case once u bring in the top/bottom dynamic. why is it so popular? because somehow this is what ppl like from a gay ship n hence it sells. ppl want the drama, characterizations be damned. ppl want to see the big kiss that happens in the end, n maybe the sexy parts that come after. characterizations be damned.

so u can say im a little wary of gay ships when they cross my feed. hell, as a joseph aesop shipper i see this trope everywhere n im pretty disappointed as well. small tangent but i feel like this is the reason why zh0ngli n ch1lde is so popular in g3nshin. i try to see the appeal, i really do, but after a long while of analyzing their respective characters i dont think they have as much chemistry as ppl think they do. dont even get me started on how incredibly ooc they make either of these very interesting n unique characters in ship portrayals. all because of the top/bottom dynamic that ppl want to see. i say this for that particular ship, but this is pretty much the case for a lot of ships out there, n the latter part is painfully true even when the 2 characters do have potential between each other. ill say it again im disgusted by the blatant disrespect to the characterizations if all ppl ever want is 2 pretty puppets to mush lips together. cos thats what theyre essentially reduced to this way.

n its so obvious to see when an artist subscribes to this rhetoric, because u can so clearly see it in the way they draw their characters. the “top” generally has sharper features to go with their “dominating personality”, while the “bottom” has disturbingly softer, feminine, dare i say sometimes child like features “to submit”. n thats where the uwu soft gay trope comes from, i believe. which, in case u still dont know, i hate with a burning passion.

so again for ppl with impaired reading comprehension, im fine with ships, including lgbt ones, but the moment u break characterization for the sake of the ship, im not that okay with it. u want to do it for a short crack comic? fine. but if thats the only way ur portraying the 2 characters then im immediately wary of ur content. ill still look at it cos usually the art is really good, but im very very wary. so im not “adamantly opposed”, just very critical of how the ships are being portrayed. if other ppl want to enjoy their ships like that, sure. just dont expect me to join in on something i dont agree on.

.

now id like to address not shipping “because i hc aesop as ace”. for ppl who are new to the blog (hello there), im an ace in a romantic relationship, so thats definitely not the reason i dont ship elisop. its more of being in a relationship has largely shaped my views towards romance as a whole. even before i met my boyfriend, i hated the romance genre in stories n media. most of it comes off as incredibly forced, especially those love triangles they seem to love putting into teen novels. thats one reason why i stopped reading when i was younger, but i digress.

did i partake in shipping when i was younger? i did. for a gay ship too (if anyone really wants to know, its kurotsukki from haikyuu. at least this was one that i can remember, i was mostly working on my 20 odd ocs for the longest time). i also used to write little short romance ficlets that i never posted anywhere cos i hated (n still do hate) my writing. but writing romance when u dont have experience was really just a way of projecting n probably a way of coping for myself, not that i knew at that time. but after i actually started a relationship with my boyfriend (whom i love n cherish a lot thank u very much), i began to see how much all these have skewed my views towards romance n have actually done some harm to our relationship. the bullshit that the general media feeds u constantly doesnt help in the slightest either.

quick topic shift to elisop in particular (about time, right?). i already stated that i only ship characters if i sense chemistry between the two personalities, n if u have seen the part where i dont ship elisop then u must have seen how agonized i am over not being able to have a concrete personality for eli. that is the main problem i have with elisop: eli does not feel like a solid character to me. n that is a huge problem, because if he doesnt have any defining characteristics besides being mild n nice, then he can be whoever i want him to be. (i have done this in my exorcist comics, i will admit this. n the fact that i can just do that... it really does not sit well with me personally.)

n that is dangerous.

back to young me doing lil ship things. i think its also pretty safe to say when u really do ship 2 characters, chances are u kinda really relate very very hard to at least one of them. that very quickly can turn into projecting, n shipping therefore is not “exploring the relationship between 2 characters” n it becomes “my preferred dating simulator 101″. of course this isnt always the case, but at least it was for me, n subconsciously it might be for lots of ppl too. n since this is ur mental playground, u call the shots, n there is no consequences if u slightly (or even entirely) alter one or both personalities to fit ur desired narrative. n u wouldnt even notice or know, cos ur blind to ur own biasness.

we bring our perceived notions into real life, im sure u know that. so when ur partner does not become that perfect knight in shining armour, or when they get upset at things that u do (which is a very normal thing by the way), n u think (very subconsciously), That isnt what my otp would do, something is wrong here (nothing is wrong, actually its just ur skewed perception of a stable romantic relationship). why wouldnt ur otp do this? because u are both halves of ur otps, there is no hidden secrets between them (apart from the pining part but thats irrelevant), n again they have been altered to fit ur preferred narrative. 

a real relationship requires a lot of communication between parties, because newsflash, liking someone doesnt mean that u have to like every single thing they do, they will make mistakes n it will hurt u, n guess what, the reverse is also true. if u do go with absoutely anything that they would do with 0 objections whatsoever, ur not crushing on someone, ur idolizing them, n that power imbalance is detrimental to a relationship. these things are not obvious to ppl, especially when the whole climate is hell bent on getting into romantic relationships by a certain age or some bullshit. communication is key n is pretty much the only way to solve relationship issues, because the other person has a lot that u r not seeing n vice versa. as similar as 2 ppl can be, i doubt u can have 100% the same thoughts on all things. i dont make the rules.

so in ur mental playground u focus on the fluffy parts, maybe there is communication, but rarely is there any meaningful conflict. thats unrealistic, n if u bring that mindset to an actual relationship, thats not going to end well. i say meaningful conflict, because yes, generally u shouldnt have conflicts with ur significant other. but inevitably when ur with each other for long enough, u will realize that there are habits that u must change in order to be with the other person. habits that are harmful to the other person directly, or harmful habits towards yourself that indirectly harm the other person. these are meaningful in a sense that if left alone, it will manifest into larger problems that will harm u, the other person n the relationship as a whole. its meaningful to the relationship.

all these is made even worse if ur neurodivergent. maladaptive coping practices, self sabotaging behaviours, inherent disabilities. all these must be adjusted n addressed. im so incredibly thankful for my boyfriend for being incredibly patient with me when working all these out, n it has not been easy for me to work on myself n all my problems, n im still not done working on them. this aspect is often not explored in romance in general (or properly), n there is a very good chance i would have still been stuck in the unhealthy mindset of “this isnt like my otp, maybe we’re not meant to be”. because loving someone is a choice. no one is made for each other, it is a conscious choice made between 2 ppl to make things work. this is how arranged marriages work, i am told, n i do see the appeal, not that it actually does appeal to me culturally.

special mention to the kurotsukki ship, cos from there i found a very, very good fic that explored their relationship before n after getting together, n it actually showed aspects of this problem in the incredibly slow burn of (at that time) 20+ chapters. it was just one fic (n a very good one at that, i believe it was called Leviticus), but it had a lesson i never thought i needed to learn, n learn it i did, with a lot of help from my dear. 

this is also probably the reason why i dont really want to delve too much into romance now. i know its a lot of work, n everything (mostly) that the media feeds u is really false advertising, but ppl eat that shit up n so it remains one of the most popular genres to date. im just very wary that if i do start on a romantic story, i want to be able to show it in a way like that fic did, the truths of relationships, because i dont want to make something that sells, i want to make something that meaningful to me, if a little indulgent. n that also includes being very careful in how the respective characterizations will change in a relationship. almost too careful now that i think about it, but its not something that i mind. i was never one for romance from the start, n now im very careful about shipping because of what happened to me persoanlly.

okay enough about me, lets talk about aesop. in any au u put the character in, the essence of the character must remain despite the change in environment. so lets say we have ur typical modern au. dead mom, check. shitty mentor doing illegal stuff? also check. autistic boy with social anxiety? we’re good to go. all these have implications on aesop as a character, n while ppl are aware of this, again the way they go about portraying it can go, in my personal opinion, very wrong. ppl who immediately woobify aesop completely because he has autism annoy me. ppl who reduce him to uwu soft boi cos he has social anxiety do not know how the disorder really works n as someone who has that i hate it to the core. ppl who do all these for the sake of ship have lost my respect. its insulting.

remember the top/bottom dynamic? not that elisop is completely free from that (even if i dont know much about eli, to put him in either one of those stereotypes feels very insulting to his character. i wont even say anything about doing it to aesop its so upsetting), but its not entirely made up of either. but now i want to introduce another trope i am very wary of, which is “i can fix him”. im sure u guys have seen the meme going around poking fun at this trope (for those who havent, its along the lines of “u can fix him? well i can be his worst nightmare”) n no doubt yall would have seen it n gotten sick of it in some forced hetero romantic bullshit. we have one damsel in distress with a saviour that solves all their problems just by existing n being romo with each other.

remember “my preferred dating simulator 101″? this is not mutually exclusive n from my point of view this is dangerously close to this trope. lets be real, if it was actually a thing that all ur deep rooted trauma magically disappears if someone were to waltz into ur life, we would want it. definitely. no painfully dissecting ur own problems n constantly facing them head on. real life states that this is not the case, but it will not stop us from dreaming. n so this trope is born n lives n will go on.

(finally) pulling aesop n eli into this, at least in my mind, u have one severely traumatized boy with lots of issues n u have this. nice mild guy who can be anything u want him to be. i hope u can see where im going with this, n thats the direction i see some elisop heading towards (i dont read a lot of elisop to be fair). if u came from my eli character talk, i mentioned that it is incredibly one sided. this is exactly what im talking about.

putting it all together in case u havent already, aesop is the damsel in distress, whose problems magically disappear because of elis godly kindness n little to no work on improving himself, n they lived happily n gayly ever after.

can u tell how much that does not appeal to me. 

never mind the butchering of character that inevitably happens somewhere somehow, the unrealistically perfect themes n implications of this trope makes me so viscerally uncomfortable. this is, of course, due to personal reasons, n i definitely see the appeal of this dynamic because i would probably have been interested in this once upon a time as well. but as i am now, with everything i have explained up there n everything i have been through, i would politely rather not.

n its difficult to think of another dynamic, because of how little i know about eli apart from him being this saint, which easily makes him a candidate for being aesops trauma panacea. never mind aesop rarely, if ever, does anything for eli as a character in return, n its so damaging to buy into this rhetoric, where a person like this who would solve all ur issues no strings attached exists somewhere in the world. they really dont. a relationship has to be mutually benefitting, or it will be draining n disastrous. maybe u say, Oh its nice to imagine it once in a while. n yeah, i agree, except once in a while is a little difficult to keep track of n that is sort of what happened to me. id rather stay as far away as possible from this kind of unrealistic fantasy, i just got this shit sorted out with myself n my boyfriend.

i have some other reasons, but theyre more personally problematic, so i wont go into them here. but this is mostly n generally why i do not ship elisop romantically. if u do, u do u, and have fun, but again dont expect me to join u. thank u for coming to my ted talk, this took a lot longer than expected.

[cata-linaa]

hello hello!! my “haikyuu facts” post got WAY more notes than i expected since i wrote it in the parking lot of a wendy’s , and thank you so much! Anyway, I think Oikawa slander is my favorite thing (the jokes just write themselves, it’s so easy i dont even know how to beat around the bush about it it’s RIGHT THERE-) but yes, I do know he’s a complex character this is just for funsies ok  I try to be nice when writing him I promise. This is my first actual written out thing, so bear with me :)

Characters: Oikawa w a dash of Seijoh

Pairing: Milkbread and you 

Word Count: Enough

Grammar: All over the place, no editing, just shit out some content, the more I look at it the more i cringe so I might come back to edit it in the future. 

Tooru Oikawa is completely and hopelessly tone deaf. 

i just KNOW this mf cannot sing

you stans give him a little too much credit sometimes, seijoh is NOT a boy band

but he does all the time anyway

the funniest thing, though, was that iwa actually let him think he was good up until about his first year of high school

it’s not that he thought it was funny, that would be mean.... (but seriously, it’s just that he would say something about his voice being shitty, and he would just refute with the notion that “you’re just jealous of me hehe” so he let it go because he was sick of having the same argument every day)

and oikawa’s family was just like “oh 😬... uh, good job honey...” because he’s a kid what are you gonna say LMAO-

however, several years later when he decided to serenade the team on the bus ride to a tournament, makki and mattsun changed that opinion real quick

man couldn’t BREATHE that whole week without someone laughing about it and doing an impression of the voice cracks galore that occurred 

his voice is very nasally and off key, super loud and yikes 

very theatre kid who never got told he wasn’t the broadway-bound baby he thought he was and was in fact, just over-annunciating and screlting (if you don’t know what this means i am so jealous of you)

he’s so annoying and i hate him/hj

but you don’t seem to mind, do you?

You squinted as the sun peeked through the blinds as you woke up, tangling yourself further in several blankets after shivering from the AC unit going at full blast from across the room. Wait. I turn off the air conditioning at night, and these aren’t my blankets! And this is definitely NOT my hoodie! Glancing down at the fluffy white duvet, that was not the one you had at home. And you definitely did not play Argentinian volleyball, much less buy official team merchandise. Looking around further, you realized where you were. 

You had spent the night over your new boyfriend Tooru’s house for the first time, since the movie you guys had watched ended too late, and you had missed the last train home. Tooru had started another one, but all you remember is the opening credits. Guess I fell asleep? You thought, but where is Tooru now? 

“AND AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHIIIIEIEEIEIIIIIIIIIIIIIII” You got up with a start. What was that? Tooru? It didn’t sound good. Hopefully, he wasn’t hurt. His knee had been bothering him lately, and he did have a big game coming up. Throwing off the blankets, you ran to the source of the horrible scream. Panting, you scrambled to open the door and got to the kitchen. 

Tooru had his earbuds in, and he was frying eggs on the stovetop, no injury in sight. You look around concerned, wondering why he would make such a sound and then, it clicked when he opened his mouth once more.

This fucking idiot. 

“AAND I’LL ALWAYSZZZSS LOVE-” He took a deep inhale, but you yank the headphones out before he could even try to hit that note.

“Oh hey! Look who’s awake-” He tried to reach down to boop your nose, but you were not having it this morning. 

“Tooru! I thought you were hurt! This is your SINGING?!” You had never heard him sing before, but now that you have, you kind of didn’t want to anymore. He scoffed.

“I happen to be a very good singer, thank you.” You rolled your eyes at your ridiculous boyfriend. He’s certainly a lot, but you guessed breakfast could make up for it. He unplugged his earbuds and cranked the volume up on his phone. 

“You know the words, Prince(ss)*, sing with me!” 

“No.”

“You know you want to, here.” He reached out for your hand, with Whitney playing in the background. You laughed and took it, and his heart melted a little. This was so, so dumb, but what the hell.

 It was an awkward kind of swaying, as the song was slow but also so passionately singable. Simultaneously to the half-dance, half karaoke Tooru was putting his hand to his heart and just letting out those notes, however off-key he was, the attempt was there. With each passionate screlt, he pulled you towards him, as you were also holding the hands he was wildly pointing and gesturing around. Soon, the worried and disgruntled look disappeared from your face and was replaced with a smile, and maybe you sang along too. 

The rest of your morning was spent with sleepy giggles and loud singing, and he did burn those eggs, but he took you out to get something to make it up, singing the whole way to the coffee shop, ignoring the odd looks from strangers, because he did have tomorrow to wake you up to breakfast and a song, if you were willing to stay.

Needless to say, you heard a lot more of that awful for years to come, and honestly? you wouldn’t trade it for the smoothest and most beautiful of voices, because it was his, and he was yours. 

*pet names like “princess” or “bubs” or whatever make me physically recoil and want to throw up and  i apologize for using it because it made me cringe and it might make you cringe too, but i just know he would call his s/o some bullshit corny ass name like that. 

i really hope i got that characterization right, anyways, i’ll hopefully improve with more practice, and as of Jan 2021, requests are OPEN!

[ivyuns]

landing in my heart: secret

han jisung

genre: angst 

word count: 2.6k

warnings: lost in north korea, violence, mentions of chopping a head off, military stuff, mentions of car accidents, weapons, mentions of ending life and disorders (at the end), grammer mistakes, if i missed anything, lmk :)

part two of landing in my heart

landing in my heart information

2001

“y/n, choose your future!”

from that day, you always made the right choices. looking in front of you, you saw items which predicted your future by grabbing an item. instead of an item, you grabbed your fathers hand.

till that day on, you successfully opened your own fashion store. cutting the ribbon for your grand opening.

now that you heard jisung telling you to take the right path, you went to the other way. the night when jisung pulled you and hid you in his chest, you looked up in shock.

“oh my. i cant believe we met again”

“i thought you left”

you start flirting with jisung to get your way with him. smiling while jisung stares at you. ‘should i just kill her’ jisung thinks.

the following morning, you wake up and see yourself in the mirror. face full of marks and cuts. grabbing a cup of water and pour it into the bucket, you clean your face. “its okay, you’ll get through this yoon y/n”

as youre telling yourself to calm down in the bathroom, jisung makes you breakfast. “i-i dont know what you guys do but we usually give the host the first bite” you said, giving jisung a spoonful of the food, he stares at you.

“what wrong?” you asked. jisung sighs and crosses his arms. “are you concerned of whats in the food? because its poisonous?” putting the spoon back onto the food, you gave you. “im sorry if i offended you. but please do understand why im acting like this. wouldnt it be ridiculous for me to be trusting someone at this point?”

“hm, i guess youre right” lifting you head, you smiled. “see! i was correct-” “but you made an emergency landing at the DMZ while flying an unpowered aircraft on a windy day. right as the electric wires were working, you crossed it and came to a military housing area. ill sound crazy to believe someone like you”

“dont tell me youre suspecting me, thinking im a - spy. in fact i believe people are looking for me considered im famous down there” you paused, “one everyone knows im here, the south korean government, military authorites, and the UN wont stay still” jisung nods his head in agreement. “then, nobody should know youre here. i wont tell them”

jisung stands up and gathers your plate. hearing a knock, you look at jisung as he goes and looks who is here.

looking outside the gate, he sees hyunjin outside. “ah, captain han. i didnt know you went home early so i looked everywhere for you. so i knew you were home when i saw smoke from the chimney” hyunjin says and goes inside jisungs house without permission.

“oh and good news. about that south korean girl-” “listen she’s” “shes dead!” hyunjin laughs. “i know youre shocked too because i am too! there was an accident on the mountain and reporters said there was a young woman there” jisung shakes his head, “no thats not it hyung-” “aye, if im wrong then you can chop off my head” jisung nods his head and leads hyunjin back to the gate “wait let me use the bathroom real quick”

as both of the boys went to the entry way of the house, hyunjin takes off his shoes and talks about you. as he takes his shoes off, you went to lean on the door frame. hyunjin turns around and gets scared of seeing to woman he was talking about.

“how do you chop someone’s head off? ive never done it before” you spoke. with hyunjin’s mind going everywhere, he manages to speak to jisung. “c-captain han, whats going on here?” after realization, you realized he was the one who tried to shoot you. “y-you. it was you! you shoot the bullet at me!”

settling down, jisung rubs his temples as you tried to explain hyunjin that youre not a spy. “do you have trouble understanding or something?” “captain, do you have a shovel i can borrow?” you explain everything that had happened when you ran away, hyunjin gets scared and sits next to jisung.

moments later, another knock comes from jisung’s gates. opening the gate, he sees seungmin, felix and jeongin with food and drinks. “captain han! did you hear the news? the one with the young lady-” “thats not true” jisung cuts off felix.

“you must be jeongin” you called out. jeongin turns around and sees you. “yes, and who are you?” crossing your arms and leaning on the door frame, “i heard you might face a dishonored discharge. that means youll lose the job that you really need” you told him with a scared hyunjin next to you. “i-i thought she died!” jeongin screams and turns to the other two men next to him.

“and ah! youre felix! so tell me, which kdramas did you watch before leaving the post?” you pointed your finger at him. “stairway to heaven” felix answers. “ah thats a pretty old one. its the one with jiwoo and sangwoo right? im close to them, they live a few houses away from me” “is that true?!” felix smiles as seungmin tells him to stop.

telling everybody to come inside to talk, you demand them to take you back where you first landed in north korea. “im afraid we cant do that” jisung answers. “captain han, just let her be. let her get fried in the fences and say ‘so this is how the fences feels like’ if she’ll ever learn” hyunjin laughs out. giving a death glare at him, he stops laughing and puts on a straight face.

“basically, we cant go back to the post because we finished our job for two months and cant return there for a few months” jisung continues. “but you have a choice; i take you to the state security department. they may let you go home. or you stay here but heres a few rules. one, dont talk to us. and two, dont leave the house until we get you back home” jisung finishes. “my dad does a boat-to-boat. where a small boat goes to the international oceans and meets up with the bigger boats to another country” felix tells you.

nodding your head and agreeing with the second choice, the boys goes and makes you food since you were begging them to give you meat. after the food is done, you all eat as jisung steps back. “we must return to our post after this” jisung speaks out. “what? so i have to be alone now?” you exclaimed. “yah, do you just expect captain han to just stay here with you?” hyunjin jokes. “if you need anything thats urgent, press 8 on the cell phone and ill answer it in the outerpost”

instead of calling him for emergencies, you only called him, asking silly stuff. asking wheres the body wash, shampoo, and conditioner and wheres the candles, he responds with the bar of soap. you then call him how to take a bath since theres no modern showers inside his house. “you need to fill up the bucket with hot water. then take the tarp and hang it up with the clothes pin above the bucket. make sure to tuck the tarp under the bucket so theres no airflow. youll have your shower after that”

doing what jisung told you, you were surprised on how they lived. finally finishing, you went in the bucket after taking your clothes off. “ah this feels nice”

jisung, who was still in the office, got another phone call. “what is it now- ah master sergeant, whats the matter?” jisung answers to the sergeant. “its about the tomb raiders. they were killed in an accident on the mountain” jisung quickly hangs up and goes to the security state department and tell cheolgang.

he shows his military id to enter the place before the other military men opens the gate for jisung. as he goes to the room that cheolgang is in, he tells him what happened. “yes, i know what happen. but what can we do” cheolgang asks. “i believe there needs to be an investigation. what car did they crash into? was it on accident or on purpose? if it was on purpose, who was behind this? and why accidents like this keeps happening. so im asking if i can look into it” jisung says. cheolgang nods his head “go ahead. you should go to the headquaters in pyongyang tomorrow morning and get more information” he answers. jisung gets up and leaves.

the senior coloniel, who was next to cheolgang the whole time, asks cheolgang whats going to happen now. “dont worry about it, we hired somebody since hes responsible for a billion won scheme”

china.

minseok and his bodyguard enters the hotel where theyre supposed to meet someone. after finding the person, they talk about how minseok should be safe in north korea after passing through the other countries without being caught by sehyeong. minseok signs the contact and goes to his new home in north korea with extra protection.

back in north korea in the village, the kids were playing outside as you were still hidden in jisungs place. the mothers came out and gather their kids since it was dark and late and was now time for dinner. however, upil didnt leave until his dad showed up.

as manbok calls his son’s name, upil goes and hugs him and enters their house with upil’s favorite donut.

meanwhile in jisung’s house, you finished your bath and the lights go out. “whats going on? havent i had enough suprises today?”

the whole village had a blackout and you were scared. making your way to the telephone, you called jisung. only to be declined. you were hearing noises and you felt like you were going to be caught soon. closing the blinds, the noises were getting clearer.

grabbing the nearest item to hit the intruder, you were stopped as you saw jisungs face. tears threatened to spilled as your emotions came down are you. “why are you here” you said, lowering the item. “you said you needed a candle” jisung grabs the candle from the bag and gives it to you. “you said you needed it when you took a bath and when you sleep” “thats just a candle. i need a scented one” more tears spilled and jisung takes the item out of your hand.

“im sorry, you probably feel frustrated right now. but i just cant believe what im going through right now” sobs left your mouth as jisung guilty.

ranting to jisung about your problems back in south korea, you couldnt help but spill more tears. feeling frustrated at yourself back then, you felt bad for jisung since you were just crying in front of him. jisung puts his finger on the flame of the candle that was on. “there, i cant see you anymore” jisung reassures you that everything will be okay soon. he gets up and grabs his hat. “where are you going?” “i need to get on a train in the morning to pyongyang” he answers

“i dont know when ill be back so i might not see you when you leave. but my comrades will help you get on the boat in a few days. heres some things i bought that you needed” jisung says and hands you a bag and leaves the house. you open the door before he could leave.

“excuse me, but what is your name? i want to remember it to return the favor later” “you dont have to, there was no favor in the beginning. so its better to not remember it. and as i said before, dont tell anyone about this when you go back” nodding your head, jisung leaves the place.

going back inside, you open the bag and its full of the stuff you asked for earlier. looking at every product, you realize its from south korea. everything that you needed was in the bag, including undergarments and medicine for your cut.

jisung arrives pyongyang. hes then stopped for an investigation. jisung is led to a torture room to be questioned about the robbers. myeongseok enters the room and sees jisung being yelled at throught the glass window. he barges into the room and kicks the person who was asking jisung questions and aggravating him. “what are you doing? this is the directors son” myeongseok yells at the person, who is shocked.

myeogseok apolgizes to jisung and leads him somewhere to let jisung tell him what he needs to know.

the person who was just yelled at calls cheolgang and tells him that jisung is the directors son of general politics and gets angry.

later the night, jisung and myeongseok are talking about how jisung was to investigate into the car accident recently. “do you perhaps think this accidents was like your brothers?” jisung thinks to what myeongseok ask, and realizes the accident could be like his brothers. the same truck that ran into his brothers car and the others that the trucks ran into.

after company five visited you, they came back to the military zone to get some rest. they happened to see cheolgang leaving the place and quickly straightens up and salutes him. “fifth company, where are you guys coming from?” cheolgang asks. “from fixing the pump in out captains house sir” hyunjin replies. “ hes in pyongyang so good job”

“yes sir. may i ask where youre heading sir” seungmin asks. “lately were have lots of runaways so im going to run random house inspections today” “tonight sir?” hyunjin asks. cheolgang nods and felix starts hiccuping. “whats wrong with him?” “nothing sir. we missed what was in front of us, therefore the runaways must be in the military base. i believe that is a wise plan sir” hyunjin responds quickly. cheolgang nods and tells them to hurry inside and get some sleep.

they quickly go inside and hyunjin calls jisung as seungmin makes sure nobody is coming inside the room theyre in. “captain han, theyre doing random house inspections tonight. but we told the south korean woman not to answer any phone calls. so theyres no way to tell her” hyunjin tells jisung. jisung then hangs up and asks myeongseok for a favor.

jisung quickly drives back to the village as cheolgang arrives in front of jisungs house since is was the next house on the list. seeing the lights on, he doesnt believe that jisung is back from pyongyang.

looking through jisungs stuff, you look into a book that seems familiar. opening the book, you see an application form. “i swear i saw this face before” you were disturbed by your thoughts when you heard knocking. “captain han jisung! were here for house inspecting!” putting everything away, you hid in jisungs kimchi cellar, which was underground. cheolgang unlocks the gate and finds jisung as he sees the cellar’s blanket off of the door.

opening the door, the investigators finds you and clucks their guns. as youre forced to get off of jisungs property, everyones asking you questions as your hands are up in defense and silent. “it doesnt matter. once shes at the state security department, these muted people will talk” cheolgang says.

as a bright light flashes through, everyone stops and looks at the car in front of them. jisung stops the car and gets out to walk towards you and cheolgang. cheolgang suddenly aims his gun at you as tears fell.

“what are you doing to my fiancee?”

“what did you just say?”

“i would appreciate if you put the gun away from my fiancee”

additional ending:

location: switzerland

“its invalidation in our institute regulations, im sorry” the woman tells you after your request. “but why? i heard i can end my life here sure i have no physical pain, but i feel extraordinary pain in my mind. depression, panic disorder, eating disorder, insomnia, what all do i have to name? ” you questioned.

“we always recommend the sight seeing of switzerland to our visitors. most of our visitors change their minds after sight seeing. i dont know why you want to end it, but im sure youll be one of them”

after doing what the woman had told you, you went to visit a place where you can paraglide. amazed at how amazing paragliding looked, a guy stopped right next to you, admiring the view with you.