#just because I'm changing and working towards change doesn't mean I'm incomplete now.

[sharkgirldick]

I really wish people would draw more trans women with no curves. I don't have curves, and even art that's supposed to be more inclusive to transfem bodies gives their characters curves.

Maybe I'll get lucky, I'm still early into my transition, so I might get curves. But, that doesn't stop me from feeling left out of just about every piece of trans art intended to appear more like me and those like me.

[furinana]

The undertones behind Walter and Jonathan's relationship that you might not know about

I'll be calling attention to traits present in their dynamic that are unknown to most players in the West due to incomplete localization.

Now... where do we begin? Oh, right. In the part after you're done with Naraku and get to spend the holiday with the other two.

This scene is presented in almost the same way in both languages but Jonathan's reaction seems emphasized on a specific word in the Japanese script.

"T...t-t... that's crude, Walter. I would never... such a thing like that to women..."

In either case, if this ended at Jonathan's response, it would be mostly nothing worth commenting on. Jonathan is the Law representative raised by a family that worked in the Monastery so naturally he's gonna behave in a more chaste way, correct?

But then you have Walter's posture becoming uncomfortable followed by immediately changing subjects as if he's already in the know of what Jonathan was anxious about compared to the player (thus Flynn) being rather out of loop about what was going on.

The thing is... the meaning was actually already available for the players, even prior to SMTIV's release! That is, if you accessed the official website and clicked on the interviews with the Japanese voice actors (which included in-character voice clips). All of the translations presented in this post were done by takujilvr

"I'll only tell you this because it's you, all right? Only because it's you! I'm afraid I can't bring myself to like women very much. Being raised in a household with two elder sisters and one younger made me lose any illusions about them I might've had. You're a man, so I feel much more at ease with you."

Certainly, he doesn't seem to specifically refer to anyone in this clip. It could be Flynn or probably anyone else as long as they're a male.

But there are other voice clips aside this one that point towards a more definitive interpretation.

"Enough of that "Ooh, you'll catch cold!" drivel, Jonathan, you sound like a naggy old wife. I can't abide being constricted, this chest must stay bared!"

"S-Stop pulling my hair, Walter! It won't straighten out, I got it from my mother!"

They don't have voice clips directly acknowledging anyone else, leading to the impression that Walter and Jonathan were being more marketed as a duo over their dynamic with the main character.

But the shocking reveal comes with this one:

"I'll only say this if you promise not to tell anyone! Cats, I just love 'em. When I see one outside, I can't help but crouch down and give it some pets! Wait, no. I mean, listen, I can't stand fish. And they can take it off my hands, can't they? That's why I love cats. Right."

A player that reached the part where the party gets hit by Yaso Magatsuhi's scent in Roppongi will thus connect the dots:

How one interprets the twist of this scene might change entirely with the voice clip in mind. It opens the possibility that, differently from many players' assumptions, Jonathan was acting like a feline not because he's secretly a cat lover. But, most likely, due to WALTER liking them. And he would have no way of knowing that unless Walter told him off-screen.

To summarize...

Jonathan is unable to feel attraction for girls and feels more comfortable with guys which would be inevitably an obstacle for his future considering his conservative background

Walter has phobia of fish despite what his family does for trade and has a soft spot for cats specifically because they eat them for him which would be defined as a 'weakness' to his self-reliant image

1 and 2 are each most's intimate secret and they revealed them for each other

"But how much does this add to the main plot?" Even when pushing aside subtleties from this extra material, attentive Megaten veterans would notice that the Law & Chaos representatives from SMTIV have an explicitly close bond compared to most characters of opposing sides in other titles of the mainline series.

[Jonathan was the most visibly affected by their breakup]

This extra material essentially adds more to the range of interpretation regarding their intimacy while also making them more relatable beyond their surface of Law & Chaos pieces.

On this note, moments where they "crack" their own alignments also happen briefly in-game.

They were two boys of the same age that became instant close friends however became unable to conciliate the differences emphasized by their caste system and reach the understanding of what would be the best for everyone.

All of this leads to the player's realization that Jonathan and Walter ultimately didn't perfectly antagonize each other as humans but were "pushed" towards their extreme roles by ulterior forces that would subsequently be further exposed in the sequel.

[bad4amficideas]

you are GIVING us stuff todsy man!!! can we get some more hcs (if possible) of Two-face, Riddler and Poisin Ivy? you can choose who to do if three is too much for you ☺

I'm posting random drafts. incomplete. And so. English with translator. I suppect this maybe even double posted. Uhm. Sorry for the inconvenience.

I've writing pre Two-Face in my previous post so here only Two-Face version.

Poison Ivy

Although she doesn't show it, of all the maniacs throwing drugs at her, Bats feels cautiously (paranoidly) intimidated by Ivy (lots of sex pollen fics in their previous life and little time for sex in this life if that's they cares about it). Already in case their costume is fully masked and therefore with filters (Spoiler and Black Bat Type) but every time they faces Ivy they does not allow themselves to be touched afterwards and they decontaminates before changing.

But in the face of Ivy, Bats treats her exactly the same as Joker, Penguin or Black Mask of course. Which Ivy doesn't know if it offends her greatly or pleases her because you already know "the hammer of justice is unisex"

The fact that Bats is not seduced by pheromones does not mean that Ivy does not flirt, it helps to make the robins furious (and if they are hooked on top of that, lust-hate is a bomb that clouds their thoughts)

Batfam hated that Ivy would "go over to the neutral-good side". You can't imagine how much she comes to visit.

Ivy in her villainous days sent messages in the language of flowers to Bats. Complex messages of the type that not only the color but the number of flowers and certain positions or pairs count. I think I already said out there that Bats is "Dandelion" (affectionate).

Deep down all villains want attention because what's the point of leaving clues if not???

It means a lot to her that your relationship has been formed without drugs or seduction.

Two Face

Bats' problems with Two-Face come when his "bad" personality stands out, obviously.

That being said, EVERYONE would rather have them stand out or be completely shut down than hear them BOTH argue about whether or not to kill Bats. They are like the angel and the demon of Kronk. And it's your turn to be Kronk. A very confused one.

I don't know why, but I imagine it half burnt, meat, red. And apart from the bicolor suits, using gray suits and red shirts. Don't ask. The villains of this Bats I think lean towards red.

Two-Face enjoys kidnapping Y/N Wayne and attempting psychological torture (I remind you that this side does NOT know that Y/N is Bats, the good guy does)

He never gets it so he ends up being like a kid who yells for your attention (and hits you, too). If you try to be patient and bring out his friendly side, he will make fun of you, as Harvey pleas for you (a bit Overreacting, gotta tell you, he ain't dumb, Harvey). If you don't get upset for once, however, he'll get mad because he'll think you don't care for him. Figures.

I personally think you prefer the Batman-Two Face relationship (OMG I turned this into Ladybug dinamics, kill me). Harvey will stay relatively low so as not to give you away, and your relationship is a totally different one as self-respecting opponents, although between us Two-Face is sadomasochistic everything Harvey hated getting bullied as a kid.

He likes to speak in absolutes. You spend your time speaking in gray. You are both stubborn as mules, no one wants to hear you argue when you are in a intellectual streak (everyone thanks Two-Face and his coin that there are not many of these situations), the minions (it takes me hours to remember this word, damn it) prefer to force the situation and hope for the best. Don't eat their heads, just break them.

Riddler

If you're waiting for Batman 2022!Riddler, stop reading now, sorry (I haven't seen The Batman YET, I don't like how Pattison plays Bruce, Batman is good though)

You always try to sneak him a job to rehabilitate him. It does not work. Actively the one you try to rehabilitate the most.

In Earth-1T8 he has also created an Oracle-style cyber identity. You even have him in the soup. Between hacks and crashes he and Barbara have made your Batcomputer have mazes and minotaurs at the back doors.

Literally, if he is very bored sometimes he hacks all the satellites in the world to change a letter to a symbol or some extremely irritating nonsense (this is how he starts and works his way up to destroying the world economy if he is not listened to. Listen to him)

So you have your "unwritten rules" of "hey Bats, BaTs, BATS I have one new" "I'm coming Ed, don't kill/cause the death of anyone" "OK"

If he didn't put lives on the line to get attention and increase the difficulty of his puzzles, which is fucking stressful, you'd consider him a friend.

Everybody knows. Still Harley beat him in "frienemy n1". There is a disagreement between the two of them about that and whether or not Harley is still a villain although they get along pretty well.

Riddler is the first on fall -intellectually- in love with you. And he knows your secret identity. And he strongly suspects that you are 1. a rejuvenated any of your parents (this one saw Detective Conan), 2. a time traveler (almost!). 3. Clairvoyant or telepathic. He really leans towards the second option. What is terrifying.

And he kindly takes your identity into account when he programs his riddles. Another of the unwritten rules, there are things that ARE RESPECTED.

Have you ever told him, more seriously than jokingly, why don't you meet in a cafeteria to talk instead of meeting like this. The most critical hit, always leaves him baffled.

[otter-pop-supreme]

IM GLAD YOU ASKED(dis gonna get long and unorganized)

Warning this is, indeed. long. This is the SSO chapter of "Otter's looney and loopish hcs"! Its... a lot. But it feels good to compile it all together (= Take a seat, get a treat, and read if you really wanna. I wont be offended it you dont-

TW A bit of abuse is mentioned here and there, but nothing crazy detailed

Starting off following the actual plot, Rainbow Steve has an ABSURD amount of technical relatives from all the elders he was created from. I've only fleshed out the blue steve side cause it DESPERATELY wanted him to be Hypno's cool gay uncle.

I dont remember just how canon this it(I watched SSO sooo fucking long ago, like before I watched the steve saga) But Dark Steve used to be the Evil Elder Blue. His uncle is the Elder Blue Steve from rainbow(Let's call him Elder BR). therefore Rainbow is Hypno's great Uncle. His friend/father Blue Steve is actually Elder BRs baby uncle. Very confusing, ik, I'm confused too, but I plan to make a proper family tree and expand upon this.

Now Rainbow Steve was created 17-years-old. But his soul was sold separately. He was raised out of the timeline between Space Steve(will get back to him) and Origin. He was created by "The Stars", basically the callers of prophecy. He was "trained" but more overly just abused by Origin to breathe underwater and other natural instincts he was supposed to have along with his powers. Space Steve raised a bit more properly, but still not well. He got all the traumas of this but none of the memory or power train which left him feeling extremely confused, unstable, and incomplete throughout SSO.

Blue, Prof. Red, and the Greens Steve from the beginning of SSO are a lot like parents to him, even if they're not the best at it. They often butted heads as such and there was a lot of "off-scene" parenting, teaching, etc. I've kinda shipped the three of them together to form the ultimate parent couple. But yee.

When he absorbed Blue he looked a lot like him, which gave him curly hair and balanced his powers. They ended up tipping toward the cooler side cause of this.

Kinda of and off-hand AU Idea more than a hc BUT-

Context around my Hypno hcs is kinda needed so ima drop it all here

Hypno was created against the will of the stars. Meaning Dark didn't have the powers to bring him into the world nor permission from the stars. But he did it anyway with very gross and disturbing tactics.

Hypno Steve was the FIRST Illusion Steve. When he was first created he looked much different and could really speak. He COULD but his voice was ear-bleeding horrible and it actively hurt him. Dark encouraged him not to speak.

Dark was rather abusive to him growing up.

Firstly Hypno is non-binary, but Drak(A transman in my hc) didn't follow that mentality and believed in binaries. So Hypno didn't really understand it, he just knew he wasn't a girl. So he assumed he was a boy.

Dark was very obsessive with looks and such being so low on the villain hierarchy. So Hypno was forced into horribly uncomfortable dresses like a dog being forced into a cheap dog costume.

When Hypno conveyed he didn't feel like a girl, Dark switched him to suits. Supportive in a way but he felt even more constricted. It felt like another punishment to him.

Dark was also one for dressing formally. Nightmare Steve, who was something of a Grandfather to Hypno, didn't really like the way Hypno was treated but knew he couldn't change his ways.

At some point, Dark Steve ends up talking to Void Steve personally. Doesn't matter why, but it was a big deal to Dark. Hypno had to come because that's how those kinds of meetings worked, to properly introduce Hypno into the Villian family. Hypno was around 14 at the time and very much had manipulation/abuse victim mentality.

He ended up meeting Galaxy Steve, who was a prophet of the stars. Galaxy gave him a prophecy, which was later branded into his fucking arm like Rainbow's. But it was shorter than Rianbow's, so only his left. It was a hero's prophecy in a way, speaking of how he'd be the downfall of the good AND the bad essentially (The good was supposed to be Origin, and the Bad was helping Rainbow Steve gain his powers)

Dark, obviously, didn't like this. But Void didn't either, a lot more so than Dark. They left and Void regected Hypno as a member of the Villian family. Dark, feeling shameful of his own creating tuning from an abomination of the stars to a prophecy child, tried to kill him. He locked him up in the vile(the one Rain find him in in SSO) and tries to kill him. It is unsuccessful but it does turn Hypno into this kinda undead thing. He is forever changed and especially traumatized by his own father that he idolized trying to destroy him.

He was treated even worse by Dark after this. I won't get into details, but an important part is he cannot properly heal and can't actually break/build blocks. He can only make it seem like he is. He is covered in sables/stitches and parts of him are different skin tones

(ref the fan art I made of him)

A particular thing is that he had very gruesome, cruel, and very extreme punishments. He had his hand chopped off often cause it was different from if he was a normal steve. He could sow it back on, think Frankenstein or more accurately Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas. But it hurt him still as if he weren't. Another was being locked up in the vile.

So yeah. Very loving household.

At some point, Dark just forgets to unlock him from the vile. Cue Rainbow breaking him out. Hypno wasn't quite aware that he was being abused yet, still in that headspace. He ran away from Rainbow cause of that. When he returns to SSO, he's realized he was abused but is not in any way recovered from it or fully free from that headspace.

Hypno being the original Illusion Steve previously makes a lot more sense with his powers and such, as they aren't very hypnosis-focused. But I thought I outa lay out the whole story. Galaxy Steve pulls the idea of Illusion Steve from the time he met the OG Illusion

*back to the end of SSO*

When Hypno first put Rainbow Steve to sleep, it wasn't quite... successful.

(dis is ispired by RRFF, id like to mention)At some point, Hypno goes into Rainbow's mind. He kinda hides all the memories Rainbow has so he can properly do his thing when he wakes up and not go looking for his past, including Hypnno himself.

At some point, Hypno Steve is killed and goes to limbo, which is where steves go when their fate is not decided fast enough. Most color steve simply go straight to the spirit world considered too insignificant to matter in the long run. Steves who have done too much evil go to the spiritless world and vice versa. Hypno got limbo. Limbo is also the Menu. Hypno, being a glitch in the Minecraft World can see that. He tries to leave but gets stuck. Rainbow, somehow, is able to feel this in his slumber and comes to help him.

This help is bringing them into the real world.

They live there for a long while. I like to think each Generation is a ear in human time. So they were there from 2010(a year after MC was released) to 2018(Ik that doesnt realy follow the ss years but whatever). Hypno is able to basically hypnotis there way into society and fake there identities. They live in a lil studio apartment togehter, working and such. Things are ice, not perfect but nice. But Rainbow grows tired of the human world, knowing there's people that need there help. Hypno agrees to go back with him, not wanting to be alone in the human world. They go back but Rainbow breaks into Green, Blue, and Red Steve, none of his memories retained.

And goes on the steve saga.

there is so much more in the ss but holy shrimp this is getting long.

Ill explain Space Steve as promised. Space Steve is who Void and Galay originally was He was created by Origin to create the rest of the world. He was very close to Alex. He ended up having to separate cause his power was too much and overwhelming him. Similar thing happened to Void and Gal and so the space family was created. More on that at 3.

I will prob make a part 2 to this, but holy shrimp is this a lot already hehehe. Told you, we'll be here all day.

Ask me about my ss hcs (well be here all day)

[stellocchia]

Since I really enjoyed yesterday's stream I decided to do one of my overly long analysis on it

So, here's my analysis of (DSMP LORE) Healthy Competition

Dialogues will be color-coded as usual, so here's what I used: Phil, Wilbur, Ranboo

As always I am incapable of brevity, so everything's under the cut

The stream starts with a conversation between Phil and Wilbur in which Wilbur admits that he hasn't been to visit Phil in a while, which makes Phil's later threat about throwing him out feel that much more ridiculous since Wilbur clearly doesn't really live with him either way...

"Alright, it's got one for Phil, one for Ranboo, and one for Techno. Is that all that live here? Just you three?" "Yep, just us three, just chilling"

The only reason why I'm singling this out is that it was right after the mention of Techno's birthday and Wilbur was pointing at the seats occupied by the 4 members of the Syndicate so it feels slightly weird that Niki wasn't mentioned at all. But also it's technically not a lie, she doesn't live there and she only comes around for the Syndicate meetings.

Another thing to add is that Wilbur did notice the chest Ranboo left for him and consciously decided to ignore it.

"I must admit I've come to you with a bit of a- a bit of a proposition. You're into propositions Phil? Are you a bit of a 'propositions' kinda guy?" "Oh, depends, depends. You- you've had some pretty... let- let's just say, uh- not- not a great track record on propositions that you've had in the past" "Alright... I mean, I'm trying to move past that"

I wonder what exactly Phil is referring to here. Because, like, Wilbur did bad things, don't get me wrong, but what's his track record with "propositions" in particular? Because he isn't talking about "Tommy, let's be the bad guys" here since he doesn't know about that. Is he talking about Wilbur founding L'Manburg? But then again, I don't think Wilbur interpreted it that way. I think that, from Wilbur's reaction, he clearly interpreted it as a jab at him exploding L'Manburg (which is the one thing he's trying to move past) which would be extremely hypocritical from Phil since he did the exact same thing but worse.

Also, I really do think that Wilbur is trying to move forward. He's lonely and he has the lowest possible opinion of himself so it doesn't feel weird that he'd want to move on. He isn't putting the work in it right now and he hasn't really changed, but he does seem to want to (though I think he may not know how).

"He [Quackity] didn't seem afraid of me, which is cool. Not many people- I mean you don't seem afraid of me. You aren't afraid of me, are you Phil?" (little look into Wilbur's mind and his fear of isolation once again. And this is fear of isolation, he's worried that other people are afraid of him and therefore are only waiting for him to step out of line so that all their fears would be confirmed)

"'Cause I'm not afraid of you [Phil]" (bold words for someone who spent who knows how long lying to his dad because of a crippling fear of disappointment...)

"Technoblade spent his entire time taking down the establishments, what he left is, as predicted, a power vacuum for a new establishment to come in" (in case it wasn't obvious, Wilbur is not the biggest fan of anarchy. And he actually got this one criticism spot on, indeed all taking down L'Manburg did was getting 4 new governmental-like structures to sprout in its place)

"Phil, I want to make a burger van" *Phil sighs and walks away* (I'm more sure now that Phil really meant "creating L'Manburg" as Wilbur's bad track record with propositions)

Wilbur repeating 4 times that he has no ulterior motive with the burger van managed to make me think the exact opposite. That said that ulterior motive may just be to create a safe little home for himself and Tommy for all we know honestly. Also, the whole thing with Phil trying to convince his grown-ass kid to go play with the neighbor kid and Wilbur throwing a tantrum in response was hilarious...

"If he's [Ranboo] shit you gotta come help me okay? If he's shit you've gotta come be burger boy with me, okay?" (he still is mistrustful to an extreme and pretty childish admittedly)

"Why is he [Phil] treating me like a kid?! Why is he treating me like a little baby?" (remembering how Wilbur treated Fundy I think it may be a family problem)

Another interesting thing to point out is that Wilbur was openly scared of the spider attacking him here, and fights it off, but he doesn't move away from the explosion later on and he didn't move away from the exploding creepers last stream. Other people already made this connection, but I do think it may be a sort of way to punish himself. Specifically, it's brought up later on that he thinks he got off easy for what he did, so he's using what he hurt others with (explosions) to hurt himself now as a sort of punishment for that. Which is another indication of just how much his stay in Limbo didn't help with his mental health.

"Am I being- is this [Ranboo having both cows and wheat] a setup?" (the paranoia never left)

"Ranboo I'm gonna go out on a limb here: do- do you wanna be friends?" "Su-sure yeah, I don't see why not" (I think that at this point it was still just Wilbur following along with what his dad told him to do and trying to find out more about Ranboo. That does seem to change later down the line)

"And then we decided that it [the 'cookie' outpost] was too much trouble so we kinda just left it" (So we have confirmation that the cookie outpost was abandoned)

"We're not gonna annoy Quackity" "That's good" "We can't annoy- we can't annoy him because we're simply put- we're simply put gonna be making...- I got the real estate! He's giving me the area and we're gonna be making a competing business"

Wilbur says this as if he wasn't perfectly aware that this would annoy the sh*t out of Quackity. As if the point of it wasn't exactly to annoy Quackity. Or well, annoying him isn't the end goal, it's just the means to an end. We don't know the actual end goal (though I think Wilbur still wants to either be let into Las Nevadas or actually instate a rivalry between them as he said, one of the two).

"We [he and Quackity] were a part of the same cabinet during New L'Manburg or whatever" "Cabinet?" "Yeah a cabinet is like-" "Was this- was this with Tubbo?" "Yeah yeah" (...) "So you were part of the old L'Manburg? I didn't know that actually, I thought you were a bit of an independent"

Once again: Wilbur is missing A LOT of knowledge. He wasn't aware that New L'Manburg had a cabinet and he wasn't aware that Ranboo was ever part of the country either. He has a lot of misconceptions about what happened during the time he was dead so it really shouldn't be a surprise to anyone that his views on a lot of things are as warped as they are. Wilbur is getting to his conclusions with an incomplete and sometimes wrong set of data.

"Do you dislike anyone Ranboo?" "Not too much I don't think. I mean there are other people I don't, like, agree with what they've done of course, but I think that everyone is just a product of what they've gone through and everything so if you understand that then you understand the person!"

There is nothing inherently wrong with Ranboo's reasoning here. It's true that most people are a result of their environment and, once you understand what they've been through you can understand them better as a person. It's also fine that he personally doesn't want to hold grudges. But that way of thinking isn't applicable to those who have been hurt by others, sure they can reach an understanding, but an understanding of a person doesn't justify shit and doesn't change shit unless that person works towards repairing old broken relationships. It just all sounds like a nice way of thinking about things in theory, but in practice, it just takes away responsibility from those who have wronged others to fix things and moves it to those who have been wronged. (Ranboo isn't advocating for everyone to think that way though, but I know the fandom will).

Either way, they arrive in Las Nevadas and Wilbur talks about how their place doesn't benefit the consumer and puts down 3 signs.

"I've been trying to think of a name for it [his and Tommy's area], I'm thinking about 'Paradise'"

There are two possible reasons for the name that I can think of:

1) It's in reference to Las Nevadas itself and how Las Nevadas is based on Las Vegas, the famous city of sin

2) It could be a reference to Tommy insistently calling Las Nevadas Paradise in the last stream and Wilbur trying to convince him that their place is the true Paradise

Wilbur does decide to make the Burger Van right at the border which really feels like a very obvious provocation. The other thing is that he makes it clear that he wants the van to be red and white which could be a random choice, but really feels like a reference to Tommy (since they are famously his colors) or an imitation of their opposition. Or both considering how much Tommy liked the restaurant of the opposition and the fact that Wilbur is still trying to convince him to stay.

"I'm not very fond of blue" (at this point it's obvious that Wilbur has quite a bit of pent-up animosity against Ghostbur. I wonder if it is because it still feels like people liked the ghost more than him...)

"Like, the Cookie Shop, I don't even know if it was a cookie shop, to begin with, because it was a little... fortified if I'm entirely honest, I realize that now" "Really?" "Yeah did you not see- oh wait- that giant stone structure?" (Ranboo really did fail to realize that the cookie shop was actually a military outpost, huh?)

"See, I like Tubbo. He's strong-headed, he doesn't let people push him around, you know?" (this is both an interesting change in what he thinks of Tubbo if he actually thinks that and further confirmation that Wilbur isn't a fan of people he considers to be 'followers')

"Why do you claim that you're so 'peaceful' and 'neutral' and yet somehow appear in almost every conflict this server's had since I died?" (since I saw people claiming this is manipulation already, just know that it isn't. He's just confused because, admittedly, Ranboo is a confusing guy and Wilbur doesn't really know him at all)

"Ranboo, why did you come to help me?" (...) "And then also I just think, you know... you can, you know- I think- I think you're an alright person, you know? So I wanna- I did kinda wanna get off on a better foot with you then what happened-" "Why?" "Just because I don't really like having the thought that people don't really like me" "Nonononono not the bit about the right foot, the 'why don't you think I'm a bad person'" "Well I mean, I think that you did bad things, but like, I think that you also went through things that made you that way and then I also think that you've changed now (...) but I think that now you've- apparently you've been away long enough that I think that if anyone goes away for that long eventually they'll have a thought about their morality and everything and maybe become a better person because of it"

I know this quote was absurdly long, but it is one of the most interesting conversations of the whole stream and it is really important and it tells us quite a bit as well. For one thing Wilbur was left quite emotional from someone simply admitting that he's an "alright person" and that they think he's capable of changing and this does bring him to open up to Ranboo right after. What Ranboo says to be exact is that anyone would have changed after going through what Wilbur went through and that change could be positive and while I completely disagree with it, it's clearly something that Wilbur needed to hear.

Now as to why I disagree with the notion that 13 years of semi-complete isolation could change anyone for the better should be rather obvious. But if it isn't, well, that's torture to put it simply. Psychological torture. Just like abuse it's one of those things that only cause trauma and a worsening mental health state and we see this with Wilbur because he didn't change, he only became more self-deprecating. Hurting someone doesn't make them become a better person all of a sudden, that's really not how it works. Hurting someone makes them become more traumatized.

"I think I scare people" ( as I said, immediately opening up about his insecurities)

"I think that a lot of people share your idea, but they share your idea in trying to- trying to keep me from hurting them" (for a bit here Wilbur talks about how he feels like everyone else is just waiting for him to step a foot out of line, which does really show that he's still interpreting all his interactions with people through the lens of his paranoia and self-deprecation, because no one is really interacting with him with that objective in mind)

"Dream's had his comeuppance and I've not" (this seems to be the crux of Wilbur's insecurity. This idea that he got off scot-free for his crimes, the idea that the only difference between him and Dream is the punishment that's been bestowed upon them which, of course, is wrong, but he doesn't know this, because he doesn't actually know why Dream's in prison)

"I've been investing into the wrong areas Ranboo, I've been investing into the wrong people" (This is either a reference to Tommy, to Phil, to Quackity, or to all of them)

"We're kindred man, we get each other" (the reason why he thinks that is because he seems to think that Ranboo has a similar type of paranoia to what Wilbur experience himself and he's not entirely wrong. Ranboo is deathly afraid of conflict and of being disliked so much so that he never stands up for anything in fear of angering others)

Little definition of "neuroticism" for you all since Wilbur kept mentioning it: neuroticism, one of the Big 5 personality traits, is typically defined as a tendency toward anxiety, depression, self-doubt, and other negative feelings.

I'd say it's quite fitting for both characters...

"I feel like life dealt us the same cards and the difference is that you built your trust by showing people your cards whilst I- I keep them close to my chest and I feel like that may be the big difference" (I felt like this was interesting. Especially knowing how much Ranboo actually doesn't share and how much he actually also keeps close to his chest)

They talk about tubbo in general for a bit and about what's been going on the server in general. Ranboo also that he's part of both Snowchester and the arctic commune (mostly the latter though).

"This has been chill, this has been good, I'm excited to show Tommy. What's your opinion on Tommy?" "Oh, he's- he's great. Tommy's awesome" "I agree I agree" "Definitely gone through a lot but I think that it's made him a good person" "Well you seem to think that everyone going through something at least gives them some merit you said" "I mean, yeah. I mean if- if no one- the only really bad people are the ones who are just evil because- just because and they don't have any reason why"

Included the whole thing here because if I stopped at Ranboo saying that Tommy going through trauma is what made him a good person it would have sounded really bad. As things are I think that that was just poor wording on his part and that this mostly goes back to the mentality he expressed before about how people sometimes do bad things because of the environment they're in pushing them and this idea he seems to have that actual hardships (like 13 years in Limbo or whatever he knows about what Tommy has been through) can encourage people to be better which is... sort of naive honestly. Again, trauma isn't a catalyst for the betterment of a person, and any improvement Tommy has made came from his self-reflection, not what he's been through.

After they're done with the van Wilbur brings Ranboo to their competing establishment and asks him to smash the windows, which Ranboo does with no hesitation whatsoever. After that Wilbur proceeds to place down one single block of TNT in a corner and Ranboo starts being a little more hesitant.

"You trust me right?" (I feel like that was a trick question considering how their common paranoia is the thing that Wilbur praised in Ranboo before)

Wilbur hands Ranboo the flint and steel to detonate the piece of TNT which Ranboo does, albeit with some hesitation.

"You passed the test, good job man, you go back to the van (...) Ranboo- Ranboo... I'm proud of you man. You've taken a side, you've proven that you can choose a side"

Quite a few people have already pointed out how similar this scene was to the time Wilbur tested Tommy in season 1 to decide if he was fit to be his right-hand man. In both situations, Wilbur gave someone a chance to cause some destruction against someone on the opposite side. Tommy passed the test by refusing to do so and showing that he was willing to uphold his morals and what he believed in. Ranboo passed the test by doing the exact opposite, by showing that, as much as he talks about how he chooses people and not sides, he's not willing to prove that even when all he would need to do to do so is doing nothing.

And it's an interesting scene to analyze as a parallel to that, but it's also interesting to note that Wilbur knows about Ranboo and Tommy griefing George together. He knows that Tommy was the only one to face any consequences for it (not that exile was actually the consequence for the griefing, but this is from Wilbur's point of view). Now putting this in the context of Wilbur seeing himself in Ranboo and thinking that he himself got off scot-free explains this next part perfectly in my opinion.

It explains why he made sure to leave this sign:

To me at least. This is only a theory honestly, we don't have an actual full explanation. But I do think that Wilbur may feel like the both of them never got the comeuppance they deserved, which is why he did something that's sure to get a reaction from one of the most powerful people on the server. Though considering that he also left 2 diamonds as retribution + a chest with all the materials he picked up it could have also been Wilbur's idea of a bonding moment and he could actually really be proud of Ranboo.

[peggingtaron]

Belle & Edward

Pairing: Edward x Belle (Edward Scissorhands x Beauty & The Beast crossover)

Summary: Belle, with a dreamy far off look and a nose stuck in a book, is isolated from the common folk that judge her, and dissatisfied with her life in the small suburban town. Upon exploring the old abandoned castle, far off from the town, she discovers a boy with scissors as hands, living his life all these years in the ancient shadows of the castle. A scissor-handed boy named Edward.

•

Word Count: 2.6K

A/N: I started writing this on wattpad when I was 16 so excuse the occasional cringe

Chapter 1 — Little Town

Once upon a time, by a little town, there was a mansion. In that mansion lived an Inventor. The Great Inventor made many odd contraptions, spectacular devices and wonderful gadgets. But none so odd, none so spectacular and none so wonderful than his creation of a man. He gave him inside, a heart, a brain, everything. Well, almost everything...

The Inventor was old, so very old. He died before he got to finish the man he invented. So the man was left by himself with scissors as hands...Incomplete and all alone.

His name was Edward.

Edward had spent years, alone, isolated in the shadows of the deserted castle as dust and cobwebs collected around him. He knew, in his unfinished state that he would spend all his days without anyone's company. Forever in solitude. Forever desolate.

For who could ever learn to love a beast?

><><

This little town was never an exciting place during the morning. In fact, this little town wasn't the least bit exciting at all for Belle. Belle spent her mornings on strolls around the neighbourhood. She did this everyday, perhaps in hopes to spot even the slightest moments of routines to change. But no, this was never the case. Belle would find men coming out their houses at the exact same time, driving their cars out their driveways in a practised, perfect pattern, children playing on their lawn with the exact same games, women keeping up their gardens in the exact same fashion of their neighbours.

In disappointment of the unchanging cycle, Belle would bury her nose behind a book and everything around her would seem to blur. She didn't regard her surroundings as all she would see were the visions of princes and princesses, pirates and sword fights, fairies and mermaids, all brought to life by the words of her books. The more impossible the story, the better.

Belle would find herself so enraptured by the premise of her story, she never regarded the conspicuous whispers of townsfolk as she passed them. Not that it would effect her at all. You would think by Belle living in this town for most her life, her neighbours would think of something else to sneer at. Though, it was only Belle, and with the exact same whispers as the day before.

"Look, there's that strange girl." "Dazed and distracted as always." "That girl's always got her head in the clouds!" "No denying, she's a funny girl that Belle!" "Shame that such a beauty is so odd." "What an odd child."

Not one comment could faze her. Nothing could make her look up from her book.

It was because of this, that she was rather surprised when she found path blocked by a boy. She looked up from her book with a sigh, rather expectant to see what would be in front of her.

"Bonjour, Belle!" The boy flashed a handsome grin at her.

"Hello, Gaston." Belle mumbled.

Belle was often greeted in French since moving to town, from a small French provincial village. She had no idea why this tickled and amused Gaston and her classmates so much. She was after all, immaculate in her English.

Gaston always held a confident demeanour with him, all too proud of his tall, slender, handsome figure. Many girls of Belle's age envied that Gaston favoured her attention, being that she was such an outcast to people of Gaston's supposed calibre. Belle was not at all pleased with the attention she got from Gaston either. Beneath his superficial pearly white smile surfaced a spoiled, egotistical, empty-headed boy much too pretentious to believe that Belle genuinely had no interest in him.

Gaston smiled down at her, grabbing the book from her hands. He smiled at Belle amused as she tried to reach for it, but Gaston being a great deal taller than her held the book high from her.

"Gaston, may I have my book back, please?" Belle mustered a polite expression as much as she could, while she grew concerned when Gaston fumbled through the pages carelessly and left creases of the book's spine.

"What are you reading this time?" Gaston flicked through the pages of the book and squinted at it. "How can you read this? There are no pictures."

"I know." Belle made a grab for the book unsuccessfully. "But why should that mean it's any less wonderful? You see, some people use their imagination."

Gaston gave a momentary judgemental glance at Belle, before tossing the book aside. With a gasp from Belle, the book landed on the lawn beside them, it's pages sprawled amongst the dirt of the grass.

Belle was quick to gather her book and smooth out the crinkled pages and had barely comprehended what Gaston was saying, as she nurtured the book in her arms like a newborn baby.

"Belle, I think it's time I should see you without a book covering your pretty face." Gaston gave a confident stride beside Belle who had continued walking. He put an arm around Belle, which she immediately shrugged off. "Movies are the new books, Belle. I don't suppose you're busy tonight. How 'bout it?"

Belle rummaged her mind for a response to help her escape. To her saviour, Gaston's little brother, Dirk called after him, running towards them.

Dirk arrived, panting and backed away slightly when he saw that Gaston had given him an annoyed glare for interrupting them.

"What? Did I interrupt something?" Dirk glared back at Gaston.

As quickly as she could, Belle briskly began walking her way back home.

"Wait!" Gaston called after her. "What about the movie?"

Belle continued walking and replied over her shoulder. "I'm sorry, Gaston, maybe some other time, I can't. I have to go home and help my father."

Dirk spitted a loud scoff. "Yeah that crazy old man will need all the help he can get!"

Both Gaston and Dirk bursted into a hearty fit of laughter, Gaston giving Dirk a slamming high five. Belle stopped dead in her tracks, turning her heel back to face them, fuming.

"Do not talk about my father that way!" Belle exclaimed furiously.

Gaston choked on his laughter as he attempted to stifle it, clearing his throat and hitting his little brother in the shoulder. "Yeah! Don't talk about her dad that way." He tried to scold, but a smirk was still visible across his face.

"My father is just as sane as anybody else here." Belle asserted. "Just because he's inventive and creative does not mean he's insane, it means he's a genius! He is not crazy!"

At the moment, a piercingly loud squeal of an explosion bursted from afar. Sounds of crumbling crashes and thunderous eruptions echoed across the street, causing Belle, Gaston and Dirk to flinch. Many people had come out of their homes to look at the source of the noise, but their eyes immediately travelled to Belle.

This was unfortunately a regular occurrence, courtesy of her Inventor of a father, Maurice. Belle did not regard the grimacing looks she got from her neighbours or the return of Gaston and Dirk's giggling fit as she immediately ran home, worried for her father.

Belle ran frantically back to her home. She gasped as she saw the door, leading to the basement, seeping out smoke. She quickly opened the door, violently coughing as a suffocating cloud of black smoke puffed into her face. "Papa?" She managed to call out through the smoke.

Belle sprinted down the stairs as she saw her father groan in pain. "Are you alright, Papa?"

"Merde!" He cursed. "I give up!" Maurice kicked onto the device that was bursting out smoke.

Maurice coughed, wheezing through the smoke as Belle helped guide him upstairs, away from it. "Papa, you can't give up now. You always say that." Belle encouraged as she went to fetch him a glass of water.

Maurice sighed. "No. This time I mean it. Series of failures - one right after another...Who am I kidding? No one will ever need my boneheaded contraptions!"

"Don't talk like that!" Belle sat beside him. 

"Well it's true! Just ask everyone else out there." He gestured to their neighbours.

"Papa, you will succeed, you'll become a world renowned inventor and all those who spoke ill of you here will bow down to you." Belle was beaming with a radiating smile that never failed to warm Maurice's heart. The girl's purity was always something for him to lift his spirits after hours of failed work.

Maurice gave a hearty chuckle. "Well, my dear. That's a bit of an exaggeration, but thank you."

Belle's smile eventually began to fade, her eyes softening and Maurice's spirits were soon depreciated. "What's wrong?"

"Papa...do you think I'm odd?" Belle had a quiver of worry in her tone.

"Odd? My Belle?" Maurice thought the idea was absurd. "Who would ever think that?"

"Everyone." Belle exasperated. "And they're right! I don't fit in here - there's no one to talk to - no one that doesn't look at me strangely."

"What about Gaston? He's a looker." Maurice chuckled. Maurice got up, brought out his tool box and began to fumble around with them.

Belle muttered. "Oh yes, he's a looker - but he's also conceited, selfish, rude, vain and — ugh! Let's just say that, that's one friendship best avoided."

"Well, what about Kim? You seemed to get on with her well." Maurice was still engaged in conversation with Belle despite being absorbed in his mechanical work.

"Yes, I do like Kim. But she hangs out with the wrong crowd, is always with her boyfriend who seems just as irritating as Gaston and...she really doesn't seem like she wants to be seen with me."

"Now what makes you say that?"

Belle slouched tiresomely, feeling slightly relieved that she was venting out all her troubles. "Oh mon dieu, Papa, why did we have to move here?"

"Hey, I rather like it here." Maurice said defensively. "It just takes some getting used to."

Belle groaned throwing herself on the sofa. "There must be something more to this small suburban life!"

Maurice tutted. "That's your books talking -- all those stories about far off kingdoms have gotten to your head. There are no princes and castles here, Belle."

Belle raised her eyebrows as she looked out the window and stared at the marvel of a castle-like mansion far off on top of the hill. "I beg to differ, Papa." She muttered almost to herself.

The castle had always intrigued Belle. It was a magnificent view, that was also seen from the window of her bedroom. The very sight of it from her bedroom window would lull her into a dreaming sleep of fantastically impossible worlds. Whether it be a world where teapots and teacups greeted you for morning breakfast, or a world where magic portraits could come to life.

In school, she'd heard the castle was an abandoned one, untouched since an old inventor had passed away there, though there is still some speculation that his ghost haunts the manor. Although this was a ridiculous rumour, the more time she spent in the dreary suburban neighbourhood, the more she hoped something so ridiculous was true - ridiculous was fascinating.

"I'll be right back, Papa. I think I'll go out for another stroll..." She said as she eyed the castle.

><><

Belle was careful to make sure she wasn't seen going off to the mansion. She couldn't imagine the rumours that would circulate after neighbours seeing a strange girl voluntarily wander into the only bizarre place in this perfect town. It puzzled Belle completely, as to how people had never thought of exploring there before - how nobody had a good sense of curiosity to be fascinated with a house that wasn't plain and identical as every other house in the neighbourhood.

Belle creaked open the gates, wincing at the loud yelps the rustiness of the untouched gates made. The path leading up to the castle was eerie with dark trees hanging over, though eerie in a way that fascinated Belle. Belle was boiling in anticipation, as she observed her surroundings.

She stopped in her tracks as she spotted a light pink car parked in the pathway. She observed the track tyres and noticed that they were fresh and someone had just come here. This was only perplexing as Belle could not think of anyone who would dare visit here.

She briskly walked up the path, growing more eager.

Belle widened her eyes as she saw Peg Boggs, dressed in a light pink outfit with her Avon suitcase in hand. Peg was Kim's mother, and was one of the very few people that treated Belle with kindness. Peg was admiring the splendour of the garden in front of the castle, and eventually Belle's eyes drifted towards the garden as well.

Belle felt an ecstatic grin creep across her face from ear to ear as she marvelled at the sight before her. Bright flowers organised in colourful bunches, topiary plants shaped perfectly into animals some of which were imaginative much like the ones in the stories she'd read and beautiful stems of vines framed around the castle. 

Belle felt the fairytales she'd dream about come to life before her.

"Belle?" 

Belle gasped as she snapped out of her marvelling gaze at the sight. Peg was just as surprised to see Belle there as well.

"Mrs. Boggs, hello." Belle smiled.

"Hello. What are you doing here?" Peg greeted her with a warm smile.

"I-I'm...I...Well, I've always wanted to come up here...The castle, it's...it's..."

"It's wonderful, isn't it?" Peg chuckled as she looked back at the view.

Belle's smile returned to its radiant beam. "'Wonderful' is an understatement, it's epic, it's incandiferous, it's...magical."

Belle grew red in the cheeks at her excitement. These sorts of remarks are what labelled her as odd to everyone in her neighbourhood. Belle's smile faltered and her head bowed sheepishly.

Peg chuckled. "There's no need to feel embarrassed, Belle. I find your enthusiasm endearing."

Belle gave a modest grin before returning to her initial confused state. "What are you doing up here, Mrs. Boggs?"

Peg gave a tired sigh, gesturing to her suitcase. "Avon calling. I've had doors slammed in my face all morning, and I'm simply tired of it. I thought it was time that I tried something different, or rather, go somewhere else."

Belle nodded. "Well, this sure is a change of scene." She mused as she looked back through the garden.

Belle's eye was caught by a single red rose, standing out amongst a patch of white flowers. She knelt down to the rose, bringing her nose to it and inhaling it, fluttering with delight at its smell. As she was marvelling at the flower, she felt a strange sensation that she was being watched.

Almost instinctively, her head jerked up to the one of the windows high up on the castle. In a flash of a glimpse she spotted a face staring down at her curiously, though the face disappeared as quickly as she saw it. "There is someone here..." Belle gasped in delight.

"Really?" Peg asked. She began to clutch onto her Avon suitcase and make her way towards the door. Belle wasn't sure why, but she followed Peg. 

"Perhaps I'll join you on this Avon calling." Belle smiled. Her eyes tore away from the window that she fixated on. Little did she know that the face that she saw reappeared at the window, eyeing her in enchantment, as she made her way inside with Peg.

[selinahasonenicnac]

Daniel Sloss - Jigsaw

But I was seven years old, I didn't know what life was.

I didn't know what existence was, how the fuck would I know? So I thought I'd ask my dad 'cause he can fix a computer, so he must know.

So I was like, "Dad, what do we all do? What's the meaning of life? Why are we all here? What what the fuck?" And my dad loves his kids, so he wants to explain to his son in a way that he'll understand, but unfortunately, his son's a fuckhead.

So he has to explain it in a way that a fuckhead will understand, and he accidentally did it perfectly, and it's stuck with me since then.

This is what he said, right? I'm seven years old.

He goes, "All right, buddy.

Just imagine that your life, my life.

everyone else's individual life.

Imagine all of our lives are like our own individual jigsaw puzzles.

As we're going through life, we're just slowly piecing it together, bit by bit, based on experiences and lessons that we've learned, until we get the best picture, but the thing is everyone has also lost the box for their jigsaw.

So none of us know what the image we're trying to make is, we're just confidently fucking guessing.

So the best way to do a jigsaw, when you don't have the image to work off, is to start from the outside, the sides and the four corners.

Family.

Friends.

Hobbies/interests.

Job.

Now obviously, as you go through life, some of these bits are subject to change.

Sometimes you'll make new friends, and you'll lose contact with old so you gotta move this corner around a bit.

Sometimes you'll get a job.

That means you can't have a certain hobbies.

You gotta decide then, "Do I want more me time or do I want more work time?" You gotta move the stuff around.

Sometimes you'll have a family member that dies, and they'll leave a big hole in your life.

In that moment you'll have to find a way to fill that void, otherwise you'll be incomplete forever.

" Now, that made perfect sense to me, because I was seven years old.

I fucking loved jigsaws.

So I was like, "All right, okay.

So once you've got the stuff on the outside, what's the main bit of the image? What we are all working towards?" And he goes, "Well, that's That's the partner piece.

You and this perfect person who you've never met before to come out of nowhere, fit your life perfectly, complete you and make you whole for the first time in your life, much like your mother did for me.

" Seven.

Seven years old.

I wish you just said, "Ice cream!" And we could have fucked off.

And even though what he said sounds sweet and whatever, what it manifested in my seven-year-old brain was this, "If you are not with someone, you are broken.

If you are not with someone, you are incomplete.

If you are not with someone, you are not whole.

" And that's not just something my dad made me feel, that's something that we as a society have made every single child born in the last 40 years feel.

Every Disney princess has a prince, every prince has a princess, every television show or movie always has a character in it that doesn't want to be in a relationship.

They're happy with who they are.

But then by the end of the series, guess what.

They were wrong! They were wrong for wanting to be alone, what a fucking idiot.

Everyone needs someone, yeah.

They were just a toasty little marshmallow, weren't they? It's all to do with love.

Divorce, an entirely common thing that there is nothing wrong with.

When you're growing up and your friends' parents get divorced, you're told to not talk about it or mention it to them because it's taboo, and it is taboo is because every relationship on the outside is perfect, because none of us are willing to admit that none of us know what the fuck we're doing.

And when you raise children in that world, where everything points towards love and everything's perfect on the outside, when you've raised them for 18 fucking years, when we become an adult for the first time in our late teens and our early 20s, we're so terrified.

We're so trying to be an adult that some of us will take the wrong person, the wrong jigsaw piece and just fucking jam them into our jigsaws anyway, denying that they clearly don't fit.

Oh, we'll move pieces out the way, I don't need this hobby, I don't need this opinion.

Mom who? The bitch with the tits.

What's she done for me recently? I'm gonna force this fucking person into our lives because we'd much rather have something than nothing.

Then five years later, you're stood looking at a jigsaw you don't recognize, being like, "Ah! There's a fucking cunt in the middle of this.

" Maybe you do meet the perfect person.

Maybe you meet them, you go out.

They make you laugh.

You make them laugh.

They've got a stupid laugh, but you fucking love it.

They like what you like.

They like your idiosyncrasies.

It's great.

It's perfect.

Oh, my God, they've completed you.

For three months.

Every relationship is perfect for three months.

And here's why.

'Cause after three months, that's when you realize that nobody else is a jigsaw piece.

Everyone else on this planet is as deep and as complex and individual as you are, which means they too have spent the last 20 or so years of their life working on their own jigsaw puzzle, in the same way that you've been working on yours.

You can't suddenly expect them to give up everything they've come to achieve to suddenly fit into yours in the same way that you'd be pissed off if they asked you to sacrifice everything you've done, suddenly come fit into theirs, but now, because you like each other and because you're interested in each other, now you have to make a jigsaw together.

And we all know how fucking annoying that is.

But you do it 'cause you're in love and you're interested, and maybe for the first couple years, it's great.

It's like, "Oh, my God, you love this bit of me.

I love this bit of you.

Oh, my God, we got the same thing, yeah!" But time does not equal success.

You can spend five or more years with someone, and only then, after all the fun you had, be looking at the jigsaw and realize you're both working towards very different images.

Only then realize that you want different things.

And in that moment, you have a very, very difficult question to ask yourself.

One.

Do I admit the last five years of my life have been a waste? Two.

Do I waste the rest of my life?

[lostailsaroundme]

to whoever is reading this, probably only me. Maybe I will just read in the future and make myself feel better. There are so many things I'd like to take out of my chest... I feel... incomplete per say. I have this void inside me and I try to fill it with happy memories, games, music, Crossfit, whatever makes me busy you know? But after some time it just goes back to emptiness. I feel like no matter what I do, nothing works. I feel stupid about missing the great opportunities I had. I could have done a different college, actually I could have finished my college, and now I've got nothing. Just because at that time I wasn't sure of what I wanted to be. Heck, I still don't know. Maybe it's because I want to be so many things and I can't... and now I am basically nothing. Ugh, If I could go back in time and change things... if only I could give anything to have more time with them..I feel like time was stolen from me with my parents because it doesn't feel normal. Some days I really don't know what to do... I'm afraid of going back and not being able to study because I might not afford it. You know, I don't have them anymore and I was stupid enough not to grow on my own. And just sometimes I feel like giving up. I mean, being here in this world what difference does it make? None I guess. I feel like if I let myself go from this world I will be with my parents, in their arms again. Life doesn't make sense without them anymore, I feel like I push myself each day and each day is so miserable. This is nobody's fault except mine. It's all my fault, for not being the best person, for not making the right choices. It's not fair that they were gone like that. I'm not as strong as people think I am. Some days like I say, it's just so miserable, the bad memories, the "saudade" is just too much for me, even the good, happy and, bright memories hurt so bad.. and in these days I just want to go away, disappear, idk die you know? I used to be scared about what comes after, but I don't wanna stay here, I will see my husband, brothers go one day and I can't bear death anymore. I wanna run away like a coward because that's how I feel everytime. I don't want to be part of this world anymore... I thought the happy memories were supposed to bring that nostalgia that makes your heart ache in a good day, I guess I just described saudade... but they hurt so bad, they make me feel like I was happy, I had the best parents, family and now everything has fallen apart, it's all shattered... honestly as stupid as it sounds that's me right now, so many broken pieces that if you put it together they don't match anymore. You know once you've fixed the same thing over and over eventually you won't be able to fix it anymore and throw it away? Yeah, that's how I feel. I'm just so coward I can't do it, I can't! But at the same time I don't wanna live everyday... I miss them so much. I feel like I made a terrible decision and the regret is starting to kick, I let my selfish ego push me towards this stupid dream and lost days with my dad... same with my mom. I am such a terrible daughter. I feel so sorry I disappointed my parents so much... maybe when I reunite with them they might forgive me...

[humanistauno]

”Is It Really My Fault?”

by: Melody Leagogo

Do you have that certain portion in your life wherein you were blamed to have guilt in unforeseen circumstance or we say unexpected happening that leads into more hatred and more hostility of a person toward you? Knowing that you were piece of that person’s suffering or sorrow will eventually doesn't give you a positive outlook and the other people who know the situation will inevitably accused you without knowing your side. I saw myself diminishing after what happened and my dignity shrunk every time I heard them talking about the situation like yes, it was all because of me. I was blamed, not totally blame but they thought one of the reasons why my sister-in-law was not able to gave birth the baby inside her womb and the three-months old fetus gone that easily. It was last march 13 when my sister-in-law went to CR because she was about to urinate but instead of excreting the liquid she was surprised as the fetus was already on her underwear.

According to her narration, she hurriedly called our old aunt who is us living beside the house to ask for help but who else can be the aid of a fetus who is already went out oppose to its due date to be deliver. She started to faint and lost its consciousness. I know that nothing is more hurtful than seeing a mother who lost her child and the more painful is it was just an incomplete human that no one can say what or who would be that child in the future but I am really believe in God's plan why he let that baby live with him in heaven. As I arrived at home after school, I was shocked as my ear absorbed the news and I feel a little room for my heart as they told what happened. I was living on my sister-in-law's house if there are classes because it will harden the situation if I will always go home in Lutayan and if I live with them, the fare is not expensive and a walking distance from school so I have no choice but to spend my entire highs school in their place. Her husband was my brother who is currently work at manila as a cashier in Southridge School and has only daughter and a son hopefully if he did not lose that early. I am not that close to her even though we live in a same roof because she is mean and strict on our actions and done mistakes.

Even though she is like that, I do appreciate her kindness somehow and her effort to feed us and let me stay on their house. She wanted all the things to be done on her own way it should be and very investigative. Sometimes I thought she was previously a detective. There is no way to skip the day not hearing her rant on me and piece of insulting advice that always fill my ear. I know that she was doing that because she care for me and for my "own good" but sometimes it loses my confidence in something and her words are already have impact on me, was already hurting inner me. Sometimes, I heard her gossiping me on our neighbor who is also our relatives, things such “I am lazy”, the mistakes I've done while doing household chores and comparing herself to me, pointing that she is better in the things I usually done imperfections. I know that there is no need for that but that is her nature and I don't have the right to protest or to complain because I am on her territory. She has no right to control me but the fact that I am living on her roof silent me for my future's sake. I trained myself to be patience, to be understandable, to widen my temper. It is better to keep my emotions rather than causing conflict for all of us. Fear grew in me every time she gets angry as she has no brake in uttering words she wanted without minding if it is good or bad. I have no choice to leave because it may show that I am threatened to her and I don't want to cut the connection or relationship we have as some way, we are one family. I just take that as a motivation and a challenge to fight the hardships of life. As to continue my story, my nephew died in his three months inside the womb.

My sister-in-law has a history of difficult pregnancy as to her first child who is customer of a doctor and cared by milk and vitamins added the fact that her first child is 13 years older before getting pregnant the second time. I was once doing my assignment and she was also there talking with our neighbors who are also wives of my cousins. She mentioned the lost one and my two ears heard my name. She stated that added the fact that I am stressing her causes her son to gone. I remained silent as I listened to her bluster while something pierce on my heart. She intended to rant that way because I am besides her doing my stuffs but patience ruled over me before I utter something. Last week before the happening, she was very angry to me because I went home late around 10 pm but I ask for permission earlier that possibly, I will be arriving late because we are going to do our research and we are in a hurry because the submission is tomorrow.

After I explain my side she just said that I should not return anymore. I just didn't mind what she said and continue to walk over her but the pain was buried deep. As what I told her, I arrived home late. I know myself that I didn't lack in explaining what I am going to do, I'm not lacking on texting her from time to time that again I will be going home late. It is up for her to make a big deal out of it, knowing that I am already an adult unless she has no trust in me. I am not lacking on showing that I am a good student in terms of academics because it is on my little way not to cause burden to her. It is her choice to get mad or to accept my permission but one thing I know I am not lacking for everything she got upset. You know how many tears I've released about that matter when you ask me how's our research and I remember the evening that she loosen the most hurtful words I heard that even my parents cannot utter those to me. She, she that is just my sister-in-law a gripper to the family has the right to hurt me that much? I am not blaming research for this matter maybe it is my fault that I cannot defense myself to someone who is stepping out of their boundaries. The one that she is blaming is for that evening she got very angry to me while pregnant. Guilt kills me every time I enter the house. Every time, I feel there's an eye looking strongly in me like I killed someone. She is overacting and being so exaggerate. Sometimes I thought she has a mental illness but none. I know that she has hostility toward me but she also have to mind that I'm affected also. That I cared also. Sometimes I think that she really don't want me to stay in their house but for our parent's sake, push it. I don't blame her for this. Maybe, I don't her story and I don't judge her for that. I just want her to beware of her attitude. I am thankful also for all the helped she offer for us. I thought when that accident happened she will change her personality toward me but it got worst. Until now, every time she releases her anger, she always mentioned a big sacrifice of her and that is the lost of her son. Who else will not hurt if they heard things like that? I am not writing this to make a revenge or to show her off. I just want to share it with you to become a best version of yourself even to your worst nightmare.