#just a one-off this evening bc I felt like figuring out how ridiculous and goofy I want his teeth to be in my Mind Palace

[prwlnglthr]

I like the King a little snaggletooth'd and scruffy

[pondslime]

I've been absent from Tumblr for a couple of days and somehow my FYP is full of Sinclair thots??.?? Is this some national holiday?🥶🥶🥶🥶 I have so many that gnawl at my brain at night.

Imagine calling Bo Beauregard for the first time🤐🤐🤐 You're either trying to be serious and have a real conversation with him for the first time since settling in Ambrose (spoiler: this is impossible. He's misogynistic and a firm believer that there's nothing to talk about with girls🩷🩷🩷🩷 he gives off that TikTok vibe "Do girls even have hobbies?" Like bro, drinking bear and crying ain't a hobby either), or you're so exhausted with his neanderthal shenanigans that you just sigh "Beauregard...." while absolutely pissed off and annoyed.

I just KNOW mama Sinclair would call him Beauregard in that no-nonsense tone when he would rip a hole in his dress pants before church , he must have PTSD from hearing his own freaking name. He's so used to being just Bo, that the only times he even acknowledges his full name are when he's either being scolded by his parents or when he's arrested and sees it on the paperwork.

So yeah, long story short I doubt he'd be amused by anyone calling him Beauregard. RIP MC.

*bonus crack thought* I remember talking here with someone about how Fucking Funny™ would it be to call Bo Robert. I'm not a native English speaker and I honestly never heard of the name Beauregard before😭😭😭 I just assumed Bo is like Bob, which is Robert😂😂😂😂 I'd get smacked on the head with a wrench for trying to be cute and calling him Robert. End scene

omg jhdsjhfjd not the fyp being inundated w/my dumbassery 💀

I lowkey felt like I was spamming the dash last night. BUT idk what came over me, I've had a couple days off work and I'm in a chatty mood hjhdsjahjhsdjh like. I just wanna TALK about this goofy ass movie?? **note to all the poor souls that might be following me rn: pls feel free to block the tag "sinclair brainrot hours" if u would like to save urself from my shenanigans**

this ask is killin me dshjhdfsjhj DRINKING BEER AND CRYING AIN'T A HOBBY BOY

I'm unfortunately part of the Anti-Beauregard Sinclair Hater Nation. I am, after all, the graphic designer responsible for THIS abomination:

context for this can be found here, with poki's galactic big brain take

I also love this take on what his real actual name is 🐔🧊

I just CANNOT buy this guy as a beauregard hdjhdfjh I simply cannot

HOWEVER. I do this thing w/ppl I'm fond of where I'll lengthen their names in ridiculous ways. like just add in entire syllables and letters that just. wholly don't exist. and I could see one of two situations playing out w/bing bong

scenario one: u drop a "beauregard" out of the blue one day. maybe you're trying to be cute. maybe you're trying to piss him off. he looks over @ u. crinkles his brow and gives u the bitchest lil expression. u best be glad u make good pork chops, WOMAN. bc u can't even remember his NAME. who tf u think ur talkin to??? one of ur fancy shmancy city boys?? get outta here!! just grumblin' around the living room abt how if u want some prissy ass boy w/a genteel ass name like that, his brother's right downstairs grumble grumble mutter mutter

scenario two:

he's been slurpin up that good ambrose moonshine (some crazy ass shit that comes in a jug w/x's on it. u know the one. lester labeled it as "ambrosia" and walks around saying it's the "fruit of the gods" and slappin his knee. bo has no fuckin' idea what he's saying.) and despite his high tolerance, boy's a bit sloshed. so are u. u drunkenly crawl into his lap and call him beauregard. he thinks this is v heehaw funny. whatchu think I am girl?? some kinda royalty?? that pretty lil head of urs is all kindsa messed up!! figure I AM like a king here hehehehehe

both equally as annoying😔

[monsterfuneral]

Okay but why is the only thing I cant picture after reading The New Beginning is how excited Paul would be to teach the other boys (who are interested) or his s/o how to roller skate?? I feel like he would be so happy to show/teach someone one of his hobbies and how cute it would be especially if whoever he's teaching has awful balance and he has to sorta hold onto them to help them stop from falling. But another part of me thinks he would definitely find it amusing trying to watch them figure out how to roller skate lolol *also I loved the little series you had for him ❤ *

I didn’t mean to go off like this but anon you made me THINK. 

Also thank you so so so much, I loved writing those headcanons so much and I’m glad you loved them too! If you have any other interesting thought about the boys/my headcanons I would absolutely love to hear them! 

-

You’re 100% right anon. While I only really mentioned that the boys never joined that doesn’t mean Paul didn’t want them to. He definitely has bought stolen a pair of skates for all the boys and his s/o when he discovered how wonderful skate disco was. 

Dwayne was the second best (the first being Paul) thanks to his skills with skateboarding, he actually kinda it more on it’s own since he didn’t enjoy dancing that much. So he usually would just join Paul in some nighttime skating at the skate park after the club closes early. He liked the mobility that wasn’t provided by skateboarding the most but didn’t really break the skates out much because he didn’t like going without Paul. His skates were leopard print, you can not change my mind, he keeps them on top of his board just in case he does feel like going out with Paul after he’s done at the club.

Marko was indifferent about it, his balance wasn’t great but it wasn’t horrible either. Marko isn’t a bad dancer either, he learned quite a lot from Daisy and his mom, he had moves, but that paired with some skates? He was falling on his ass 70% of the time. He’s quick to lose balance after getting a little too into the music. The main main reason why he determined disco wasn’t his thing was because Marko needed some space, like bad. If not he’s knocking people over by accident (or on purpose), hitting people in the face, kicking people. After the numerous complaints sent his way and the amount of times he nearly got both Paul and himself kicked out he decided he should probably keep his moves at concerts and in the cave, afterall he didn’t want to ruin Paul’s fun because he couldn’t contain himself. His skates are hot pink with a white stripe that goes up the side.

David was the least happy when Paul suggested he learn how to roller skate, the scowl on his face was permanently etched into his face the entire time he had them on. He was about as graceful as a newborn deer when it came to skating, therefore he hated it. Plus Paul had picked him out a sparkly pair of purple skates and he hated them, he specifically told Paul he wanted the green ones but nooo they didn’t have any! ridiculous. He did at least try to learn though, especially after all he’d done to Paul he kinda owed him. So he sucked it up and let Paul teach him how to balance in the painful ugly skates strapped to his feet. After countless faceplants and glares sent towards Paul who was doubled over on the floor laughing, David was finally able to balance. Paul had cheered and excitedly told the others that David finally did it, “my boy’s all grown up” he’d say before wiping away a fake tear. After that David tucked the skates deep into his old chest and never looked at them again. 

Paul was the most gentle with his s/o though, I mean they’re a fragile human they could fall and break their ankle or something. So he was extra cautious, hold their hand and guiding them across the dance floor of the same club he went to every night in the 70s. He had actually become friends with the owner who was- conveniently enough- a vampire too. So Paul was allowed inside when the place closed. He would have a big goofy smile on his face the whole time, his yellow skates looking so out of place amongst his punk outfit, it was cute. He would give them actually helpful pointers on how to go faster, how to stop, how to slow down if you’re going too fast, all that jazz. And of course he showed off a little, his years of practice had 100% payed off in his favor, even going as far as doing a flip and sticking the landing perfectly. His s/o would watch in amazement as he leaned back so far his hair dragged on the ground but he was still gliding beautifully across the floor. His partner wasn’t spared of his teasing or laughing though don’t get me wrong, if they fell on their ass he was already laughing, asking if they were okay before laughing again. He felt lucky having someone who interested in his hobbies and wanted to try them out. 

Speaking of hobbies, he 100% taught the other boys and his s/o (except for Marko bc he already knows) about astrology. I know I sadly didn’t touch much on it in the story, but he’s a sucker for the astrology and has even considered learning about witchcraft just out of curiosity, and because he knew Daisy practiced. He’s a naturally curious person, he loves learning new things and doing new things. So if his s/o does anything cool, collects things, practices anything, plays an instrument he is hooked. Oh this is your hobby? No, our hobby. 

[thoseofgreatambition]

bad timing

REQUEST: “ so you know when george loses his ear? with the head injury he gets amnesia but one of the things he remembers is how much he loves the reader (mutual pining but nothing has ever been said bc oblivious dorks r my fave) and he is convinced they must be together bc he is filled with adoration and spends all his time telling reader and his family how smitten he is and how lucky he is and the reader is all !!!!!! and tries to tell george he's mistaken that it's his injury and he's like NONSENSE you are the love of my life and like yeah... that's how a bump to the head finally knocks some sense into two idiots” by @newtandtheseus​

A/N: This was Rosie’s request after winning a place in my giveaway! she told me the idea and I’m super excited to write it!!!

WARNINGS: None lol. Some angst. 

WORD COUNT: 2K

DESCRIPTION: George gets his head bonked when his ear gets chopped off. It changes what was before a pretty tense situation between the two of you into you observing with quite a bit of shock, a very goofy and in love George Weasley.

George didn't know a damn thing that was going on. While this was in the most technical sense an over exaggeration, right now it felt pretty right. He looked at everyone hovered above him, recognizing faces but missing a few names or understanding where he was, and George let out a groan before simply saying what first came to his head when his twin --oh hell how could he not remember that name-- asked him how he felt. 

“Saintlike.” 

His mother seemed to grow paler, as did you-- before he followed up with “’Cause I’m holey-- geddit?” 

You rolled your eyes and pinched the bridge of your nose as Molly gave George some most needed pain relief potion. 

“Glad to know you’ll be alright Weasley.” 

Adoring eyes met your very confused ones when the red haired man on the couch sleepily mumbled, “Who’s Weasley?” 

George watched as simultaneously, around the whole room everyone shot each other a concerned look. His eyes went back to being locked onto yours, with an amount of dedication that you’d longed for before but now seemed unnerving in these circumstances. Fred gave you a quick glance before patting George’s hand. 

“Just go to sleep, alright mate?” 

With a hum, the eldest Weasley twin fell asleep.

                                           ___________________________________

Later, when George woke up it took him a long while to remember what had happened. Even then he could tell there were lots of holes in his memory. 

He’d been hurt. He’d lost an ear. He was here with his family. You were here. There were also other people at the house as well but George didn’t have a damn idea who those were, other than knowing the faces. 

When you came into his view though, something huge came crashing into his memory. 

He loved you. 

He couldn’t remember how you met but he knew for sure that he’d adored you for years. 

You had a frown stitched onto your face that you couldn’t remove. Almost a mirror image of Molly. “Is he going to be okay? I dunno how much he remembers.” 

You’d known George for years-- and had settled into an odd situation with him romance wise. You were in love with him, entirely, but it had never worked out between you two when you actually wanted it to. He starts to like you? You’d just started dating someone else. You want to ask him out? He was snogging someone around the corner. 

Truly, it was a frustrating situation. 

Fred seemed rather sure of himself though, as he patted you on the back and led you back to the couch where George was resting. “Don’t worry-- We’ll figure out what he knows.” Fred perched himself on the couch next to George, and you settled down on the floor, your head about the same level as George’s. “So-- we’re gonna figure out what you know, and get you caught up. Ready mate?” 

George had a bit of trouble tearing his gaze from you, but managed to look at his twin. “Alright, sounds good.” 

“Do you know your name?” 

“George.”

There was a sigh of relief on your end. This entire situation had caused an absurd amount of stress, more than you wanted to admit. “Do you know where you are?” 

There was a pause from George, “England.” at you and his twin’s peering eyes he admitted a bit more sheepishly, “Don’t know any more than that. I can’t remember a lot.” 

Fred shot George a cheerful grin. “Don’t worry Georgie-- you’ll start remembering things soon. You’re at the Burrow. It’s where we grew up. Do you remember my name?” 

Later on, Fred wouldn’t lie to George that it hurt that he didn’t remember his name, but for the moment Fred hid it well enough when George shook his head. 

“I’m sorry. I know it starts with an ‘F’ though--” 

“You’re close! It sounds like an ‘F’. It’s Philip. George and Philip is what everyone always calls us.” 

The scowl you shot at Fred was second only to his mothers. “Don’t mess with him like that Fred!” 

George glanced between you and Fred, “Is Fred his middle name?” 

Fred broke into a series of snickers, and felt just a bit better about everything now that there was a bit more humor in the situation. “Sorry George. My name’s Fred, not Philip. We like pranking, if you don’t remember that.” 

“I remember that. Just like I remember being the funnier one.” 

The brotherly banter you were so used to was back in full force, which provided a level of comfort to you that you could never articulate. Like that you stood up, about to say something about getting some water or seeing if Molly thought now would be a good time to move George since he seemed more aware. 

Only to be stopped by a tight grasp on your hand. Looking down you saw that look on George’s face again. That smile that grazed his lips. It made your heart do a series of flips. 

“We’re in love.” The certainty with which George said that left you gobsmacked, as well as the fact that he said it with Fred right next to you two. 

“We--” you looked at Fred for help, and found none as the man wore a delighted smile. 

Fred  always was a lover of chaotic things like this. 

What an asshole. 

“I love you and you love me and we’re dating, aren’t we?” 

You felt a heat spread across your face. “No-- no we aren’t together George. We’ve never dated before.” 

“We’ve gotta be though! I know it-- I love you to bits and I remember that. How would I feel that way if we weren’t in love?” 

You tried to stammer out a response when you heard the giddy voice of Molly Weasley from the doorway. “You two are in love?” 

Fred jammed his fist in his mouth as he tried not to laugh, and you decided to give him a solid whack upside the head later.  

                              ___________________________________

The last few days had been a little hard on you. In an odd way. It was at first filled with you hearing wonderful things about how much George loved you and how lucky he was that you two were dating. Now though, as George’s memory was starting to come back you could see when he realized something he thought before was wrong. 

Before, he’d looked at you with so much love and adoration, and now he just seemed sad and confused when he saw you. 

Molly had asked you to bring him some tea, in a gesture you were sure was part of her plan for you and George to get together. 

George propped himself up in bed when he heard the door opening. He couldn’t hide the mixed emotions he felt when he saw you-- namely, embarrassment. 

He had spent so much time talking about how lucky he was to have you, how much he adored you to his family, and while they seemed happy-- they had broken the news to him that no-- you two weren’t together. You’d never been together actually. 

Truly, he couldn’t remember either way-- but George didn’t know who else he could trust if he didn’t trust his family. 

“Your mum asked to bring you some tea.”

George tore his eyes away from you and focused on an old stain on his blanket. “Thank you, y/n”

You paused for a little while, not sure what to say that would help. “You already asked your family a lot of questions didn’t you?” When he looked at you with a nod you continued, “Do you have any questions for me?” You sat on the edge of his bed, and gave him a smile. 

George’s heart did a few flips, and he started with the question that was at the forefront of his mind. “Are we together?” 

“No. We’ve never dated.” It hurt to have to say that, especially seeing how crestfallen he looked. “We’ve-- well, how much do you remember about school?” 

“Not a lot.” George racked his mind for a moment. Pranks-- Leaving Hogwarts on a broom-- glimpses of you-- Quidditch-- his siblings. “I remember things, but a lot’s not there.” 

“You and me have bad timing. There’s been a few times where we’ve wanted to-- or I’ve heard...” You clamped your mouth shut as you tried to get your words in order. “There’s been a lot of times where I’ve wanted to ask you out and it’s just been a bad time. Fred told me that something like that had happened with you too-- but I can’t be sure about that...” 

His head hurt almost constantly now, and this conversation wasn’t helping. “So we’ve never dated?” 

“No.”

“But we’ve almost dated?” 

“Yeah.” 

George’s brow crinkled at how ridiculous this all sounded. “Does that mean you love me too?” he could see the hesitation in your eyes, and while George didn’t remember a whole lot he knew what that look meant. He shot upwards in bed, “You do! I was right! Why didn’t you tell me?” 

Now it was your turn to have a red face. “Georgie-- you just got a concussion! You didn’t remember your last name until yesterday! It’s-- it didn’t really feel all that ethical to lean into what you were putting out! Pretty sure it’s not!” 

“But I was right we love each other!” 

“Yes! But--” 

You weren’t able to get any words of protest out, as you felt George scoop you into his arms and give you a crushing hug. 

It wasn’t until now that you were aware how much emotions could be conveyed from physical touch. Truly, this was the most loved you’d ever felt. Your lip wobbled a tiny bit as you tried to keep yourself from tearing up. Scrambling a bit so you could be more square in his lap, you could feel the big grin on his lips pressed against your shoulder. “You’re still not well though Georgie--” 

“Don’t care.” his voice was muffled against your shoulder. “You said we had bad timing before. I don’t care about timing. We’re in love.” 

Like that you let yourself melt against him, pulling away just enough to press a searing kiss to his lips. You gently cradled his face, careful to avoid touching his bandages or hurting him. Despite yourself you did tear up a bit. “We’re in love.” 

taglist: @newtandtheseus @insearchofnewdreams @fainting-fancy @siriuslyimmoony @oh-the-snowinthemoonlight @hermione-who @geeksareunique @phantomhive-shadow @notstandingstill-imlyinginwait @stillwater20-blog @dramatic-and-young @blusnowflakee @l-am-tired @lovelaughlivesmilebright @carolinesbookworld @imaginethis-st @xinyourdreamsx @skiving-snackboxess @wildfire-whizbangs @dwarfwizard-from-panem @doct0rstrange @slytherin2800 @diary-of-an-onliner @answer-the-sirens

[maaaaaatryoshka0325]

Arcane - Lee Know Mafia AU Part 13

(Part1) (Part2) (Part3) (Part4) (Part5) (Part6) (Part7) (Part8) (Part9) (Part10) (Part11) (Part12) (Part14)

Warning: not telling y’all Bc then it’s a spoiler 😂 just be prepared 👀

I’m also too tired to link anything rn but I figured I wouldn’t leave y’all hanging so I pushed through and finished this, I’ll link all chapter tomorrow 💕

The cool city breeze ruffled your hair as you walked along the streets. You decided to take the day and enjoy the city. The boys seemed busy, as you hadn’t seen any of them all day.

You smiled as you walked into your favorite cafe and saw Kyuhyun already in there. He turned and smile at you as he walked over to meet you.

“Hey! Long time no see.” He said.

“It’s only been a couple days.” You laughed.

He hugged you and lifted you up.

“It’s felt like forever.” He said.

You noticed the tone in his voice. It sounded almost sad, like he was hurt.

“Are you okay?” You asked.

“Yeah,” He said with a bright smile. “I just miss seeing you all the time.” He said.

“I know, maybe when my job isn’t so busy we can hangout more.” You said with a smile.

He nodded and you both got your drinks and walked around.

“How is it being a rookie cop?” You asked.

“Actually, things are starting to look up. They put me on the stray kids case and I think I have a lead.” He said.

You choked on your coffee and he looked at you in shock.

“You choke a lot.” He said, patting your back.

“What do you mean you have a lead?” You asked.

“We found someone suspicious. He’s always around or checked into a hotel when something goes down.” He said.

“W-What’s his name?” You asked.

Kyuhyun leaned forward until his lips were almost on your ear.

“Bang Chan.” He said.

You felt like you were going to throw up. How could Chan be so dumb?! You had to find a way to tell Chan about this.

“Oh- oh that’s interesting.” You said.

“We’re gonna nab him next time.” He said.

“Oh, I bet!” You said, trying to sound optimistic.

You both walked around, going into different shops. You were looking at a dress since it was getting nice out when you heard your name.

You looked up and started cracking up when you saw Kyuhyun walk over with dark blue lipstick on a messy blue eyeshadow.

“What color IS that?” You laughed, holding your stomach.

“Coral blue number 5.(spongebob reference)” He said with a goofy smile.

You both cackled as you ran over and tried on the ridiculous colors. You tried on a red that turned out to be almost orange. You looked at him and saw bright pink lipstick on him and you both started laughing.

You went into the store beside it, which was a mask store, and tried on different masks. You turned around and saw him with an ugly pig mask and he started making snorting sounds and started chasing you. You ran around the store laughing and hid behind the cashier, who was trying his best not to laugh at the both of you.

“We piggies eat little girls like you!” Kyuhyun laughed when he got ahold of you and lifted you up from behind.

When you both left the store he looked back and it and laughed.

“Maybe I should go back in and buy that mask since we took 10 years off of his life.” He laughed.

“Yeah, but you don’t need the mask to look like that.” You said, trying to suppress a laugh.

“What was that?” He asked, grabbing you and tickling you.

You laughed as he chased you again through a park, and just like before, he lifted you up and you both laughed. He spun you around and crushed you into a tight hug as you giggled. You felt his arms stiffen and he was staring at something.

You turned your head and saw Minho standing there, his eyes dark as he looked at you.

“Oh, Minho. Is everything okay?” You asked, pulling away from Kyuhyun.

“Everything’s fine.” He said.

You turned to Kyuhyun and gave him a smile.

“I have to go, I’ll see you later.” You said, waving to him.

He grabbed your arm and kept his glare on Minho.

“Is he really just a coworker? Or is he some type of weirdo?” Kyuhyun asked.

Minho’s darkened even more, if that was even possible, and you stared at Kyuhyun.

“What? No. Minho isn’t like that.” You said, pulling your arm away.

“I’ll see you soon, okay?” You reassured.

He looked at you hesitantly before turning and walking away.

You walked over to Minho and gave him a confused look.

“Did something happen?” You asked.

“No.” He hissed as he walked ahead of you.

“Yah! Wait!” You yelled, trying to keep up with him.

You got in the car and he sped off, making you jump.

“What’s your problem?” You asked.

“Nothing.” He said, edge to his tone.

“Obviously it’s something if you’re acting like this.” You pointed out.

He ignored you as he pulled up to the mansion and got out, ignoring your calls for him. You ran after him as he walked down the opposite wing to your room.

“Can you just tell me what I did wrong?” You asked.

“Drop it Y/N.” He hissed.

“Drop the hot and cold attitude you have towards me.” You shot back.

He pulled you into the room you had been standing in front of, and you realized it was his. A fresh scent was in the air as he had left a window open, and his cologne lingered slightly.

He was dangerously close to you as his eyes were narrowed.

“What was that?” He asked.

“Stop being so hot and cold towards me. I can never tell how you feel about me. One moment you’re happy to be around me and the next you act like you wished you had killed me that night!” You shocked yourself at how loud you were being with him, and how your voice was cracking as tears of frustration were pricking at your eyes.

You were grateful for the dim room so he couldn’t see how sad you really were.

“How I feel about you? You really want to know?” He asked.

You nodded and you felt his lips crash against yours. His one hand held your jaw and the other was on the wall next to your head. Your eyes closed as you melted into his kiss, and his hand that was planted on the wall went down to your waist as he pulled you closer. Your one hand was clutching his shirt while the other was on his chest as his lips moved to your neck and placed soft, warm kisses along it. He moved until you fell softly onto the bed, and he was leaning over you as his lips found yours again.

“Let me show you how I feel about you.” He said softly.

Your eyes fluttered shut as his kisses went to your collar bones and down your chest. He traced soft circles into your stomach, which was exposed as your shirt had come up a bit. He kissed your lips again and licked your bottom lip, wanting entrance into your mouth. You obliged and his tongue quickly dominated your own. His body was planted between your legs and you felt warmth pool in between your legs as his fingers trailed up your shirt, softly cupping you. He pulled one of your breast from your bra and gave your nipple soft rubs with his thumb, making you sigh into his mouth. He pulled your shirt over your head and pressed soft kisses on the tops of your boobs before unclasping your bra, making your boobs pop out.

“Beautiful.” He whispered as he pressed soft kisses all along your chest and down to your stomach. He slowly pulled your pants down and smiled at your laced panties.

He pressed a soft kiss to your clothed clit and you arched your back into his mouth as his tongue softly flicked it. He pulled your panties down and gave your heat a long lick before coming back up and kissing your lips.

He placed himself between your legs as he placed passionate kisses along your jaw line and looked down at you as his tip pressed against your entrance. He leaned his forehead on yours as he looked into your eyes and you felt your heat stretch as he pushed the tip in. Your nails dug into his shoulder as he slowly pushed in, a small groan leaving his lips as he pushed himself the rest of the way in. He placed comforting kisses on your cheeks and lips as you clung to him.

He pulled his hips back slowly and pushed back into you, setting a slow, but steady pace. His lips found yours as he started to hit your G-spot.

“You’re so tight.” He panted softly.

“You’re so big.” You moaned as he snapped his hips into yours.

He smirked as his lips attached to the junction between your neck and shoulder as he picked up his pace, his hips fluidly snapping into you. Your fingers dug into his shoulders as he pulled all the way out and slammed into you, making you see stars. Your moan increased as he circled your clit with his thumb, making your body tremble as your orgasm washed over you. He let out a soft groan as your walls tightened around him and you felt warmth fill you. He had his face buried into the crook of your neck as he slowly rode out your highs and stilled his hips. He panted into your skin before slowly pulling out, and you sighed at the feeling of being empty.

He slid his arm under your head as he laid beside you, pulling you into his chest and burying his face into your hair. You rubbed soft circles into his chest as he placed kisses in your hair and on your shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” He said softly.

You understood what he meant instantly. He didn’t want to get close to you in fear you would get hurt, in fear something would happen to you.

“Everything will be okay Minho.” You said softly, rubbing his cheek with your hand.

You couldn’t help but admire him. His flawless skin, his messy hair, the way his eyes looked at you. His eyes weren’t how they usually were, they were soft and held affection in them. He gently grabbed your hand and kissed the spot below your thumb, then placed another kiss to your forehead.

“You’re so beautiful.” He whispered gently.

You smiled as you placed a kiss on the tip of his nose. His arm that wasn’t under your head went around your waist as he pulled you close as he could get you. You rested your head on his chest and listened to his steady heartbeat as he rubbed circles into your hips.

“Oh and I was right.” He said.

“About what?” You asked.

You looked up and saw him smirk.

“About what kind of underwear you wear.” He said.

You smacked his bare chest and he started laughing.

“Pervert.” You muttered, getting up.

You squealed when he grabbed your waist and brought you back down with him, holding you close from behind.

“Don’t leave.” He said.

You knew he was being a brat, but you couldn’t help but notice there was a sad hint in his voice. His arm was tight around your waist so you slid your hand into his as his face was buried into the back of your neck and hair.

“I’m not going anywhere.” You said softly.

You felt him smile into your hair as placed soft kisses on your shoulder and held you close to him. He yawned and closed his eyes as he held you.

“Goodnight.” He said softly.

“Goodnight Minho.” You said back.

You opened your eyes and squinted as the sun pooled through the curtains and into the room. You felt a secure arm around your waist as you turned your head and looked at Minho, who’s face was a mere inch away from yours. His head on rested on your shoulder as he held you from behind, and you could tell by his breathing that he was still asleep.

You smiled and laced your fingers with his as you laid there, remembering the night before. You slowly turned over and looked at his sleeping form. His lips were slightly parted and chest rose and fell slowly. You rubbed his cheek softly, watching his face slightly twitch at your touch. His eyes slowly opened as he looked at you, a small smile stretching across his face.

“Good morning.” He said lowly.

“Good morning.” You said in a soft voice, continuing to rub his cheek.

He pulled you closer to him and held you against his chest, his chin resting on your head as he ran his fingers through your hair.

“I wouldn’t mind waking up to this every day.” You blurted out, your face turning red as soon as you said it.

You heard his low chuckle as he placed a kiss to the top of your head.

“I wouldn’t mind it either.” He said.

You blushed a shade darker and buried your face into his bare chest. You pulled away slightly and gave it a good look. He had scars painted across his beautiful skin, making elegant lines along his chest and abdomen. You ran your finger along the darkest one, the one on his chest. His larger hand grabbed yours as he looked down at you.

“Thats why I was so scared for you to be in my life like this.” He said softly.

You looked up at him with sad eyes as he pressed his lips against your forehead.

“I don’t want you to be in the kind of danger I am. I don’t want you to have to worry if I come home or not.” He said.

You rubbed the dark scar and looked at him with a small smile.

“I know you’ll always be there when I need you Minho.” You said.

“I’ll protect you no matter what. I promise.” He said, holding you tightly.

You smiled as you pressed kisses along his jaw and his cheeks. You both laid there in a comfortable silence, still completely naked.

Just then, Minho’s door swung open and Felix was standing there.

“Hyun, Chan Hyung wants-“ He froze when he saw you laying there with him and he gasped.

Minho pulled the blanket up over you as much as possible as he glared at Felix.

“Ever heard of knocking?” He asked.

“Wait- you and Y/N- Why are you both NAKED?” He yelled.

“Isn’t it obvious?” Minho asked.

He yelped as you slapped his chest and Felix’s jaw was on the ground.

“Was she at least wearing the underwear you got her?” Felix asked.

“FELIX!” You yelled.

“Okay Okay!” He yelled, backing out.

“What did you come here for?” Minho asked.

“Chan Hyung wants you both in his office, we think Seungri is after Y/N.”

[incomprehensiblelentils]

I did not get around to this yesterday but, a short selection of fictional things that meant a lot to me over the last decade! ...it is going under a cut bc it is Too Long sorry lmao.

Books

Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng: this book came out in September 2017 and I have read it four times already. It’s the kind of book I want to write but I’m not sure I’m clever enough to: every event and every character is so purposeful and you won’t catch everything the first time through. Every time I reread it I find something new to marvel at. I hope the Hulu series is half as good

Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng: this was the first piece of fiction I ever found with a family with a Chinese father and a white mother. This family is a lot less functional than my family, but I've read this three times because that means the world to me. 

Ash by Malinda Lo: I discovered this in 2011 and it was the first f/f novel I ever read, and as I would later learn, one of a handful with a happy ending at the time, particularly in YA fiction. For a long time, I reread it every time I felt hopeless. I just reread it again last month and it is still as beautiful and meaningful to me as in 2011.

Girls of Paper and Fire by Natasha Ngan: This is an Asian-inspired fantasy (becoming more common now, but still irritatingly rare) written by a queer Asian woman, with f/f. I think it is only the second one of these, after Ash? It is frustratingly rare, anyway. The worldbuilding is incredible also.

The Astonishing Color of After by Emily X.R. Pan: We are getting more stories about biracial Asians, but they are still pretty rare and I treasure every one. This one felt so real to me.

The Miseducation of Cameron Post by Emily M. Danforth: The first half of this book captures so beautifully what it’s like growing up queer in a religious environment when you don’t even have the words or self-awareness to know what you’re feeling. This was another one I read over and over again when I was feeling low.

The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater: this is just a book for horse girls. I don’t know how else to describe this lol. I also feel like the romance is super downplayed until the very end, and honestly barely feels like a romance to me, so that’s refreshing!

Movies:

Pacific Rim (2013): I remember having this weird feeling when asked to give my top 3 movies once in high school, like maybe my favorite movie hadn’t come out yet so I couldn’t answer properly. I was right; this is the movie I was waiting for. This is my favorite movie. The feelings this movie gives me is the standard I hold all movies to.

Terminator: Dark Fate (2019): but Megan, didn’t this just come out? Yes, and it’s my other favorite movie now. I love (almost) every second of this movie. This movie made me feel a way that I thought maybe I might never feel again, after a certain other franchise movie this year took a dump on my heart. I don’t care that we’re never getting a sequel, we got this and that’s enough for me.

Thor (2011): Those of you who have been around awhile know that I really love this movie. I loved it before we all jumped on the Thor train after Ragnarok and I will continue to love it probably my whole life. It just makes me happy.

Aquaman (2018): This is Thor but underwater and with a biracial hero. It made me cry in the theater and I do not want to hear any negative opinions about it, I find them personally wounding.

Belle (2013): The fact that Gugu Mbatha-Raw isn’t a superstar is tragic, and this movie is gorgeous and lovely and made me feel a lot of things as a biracial person.

Mad Max Fury Road (2015): I remember seeing the trailer for this in the theater and going “yikes that looks like a thing I would never watch.” Joke’s on you, past me!!!! I find this a deeply stressful but glorious film that I can only watch like, once or twice a year.

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010): I do not need or want to hear about how this movie is Problematic, I know all of its issues, and yet. It brings me joy and it was one of the first movies I saw when I was just starting to break out of my religious upbringing and I laugh until I cry every time I watch it.

Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015): I am starting to realize that I am not and never really was a Star Wars Fan, which is to say that like...I love this movie specifically, I love the characters, I love the interactions, I love the stuff that happens. I do not so much love Star Wars as a whole? I like it fine! But this movie is the only part of the franchise to really make me go “oh, I get it.”

Professor Marston and the Wonder Women (2017): This was a weird little movie that nobody saw and nobody talked about, but I adore it because it’s so gentle and romantic. I don’t know how accurate it is to history and frankly I do not really care.

Big Hero 6 (2014): are you tired of me mentioning I’m biracial yet? This movie has biracial protagonists and a cute squishy robot and no romance and superhero stuff and I love it so much.

F8: The Fate of the Furious (2017): I went to go see this on a whim with my wife and it was one of the most joyous theater experiences of my life. I don’t know, I just love everything about it.

TV shows:

Community: This only kind of counts because it started in 2009 but I started it mid-s2 so eh. Seasons 1-3 of this show are written on my heart, I can quote a ridiculous amount of dialogue from them and these characters will stay with me forever. Warts and all, this is my show.

Dollhouse: Another technicality but like, I met my wife because we both loved Bennett Halverson so I gotta put this on here. It’s pretty significantly affected my life! Also I find that it holds up fairly well, if you’re down for the admittedly iffy premise and an ending that’s a bit of a mess narratively due to sudden cancellation.

Agents of SHIELD: I would never claim that this show is “good” but I do think that it has mostly figured out what the hell it’s doing. And it has been a pretty significant part of my fandom life for the last 6 years, so to leave it off this list would feel wrong. It gave me Daisy Johnson, first canon biracial superhero as played by a biracial actor, and for that i will always be grateful.

Warehouse 13: I could not tell you why I fell so deeply in love with this dumb, badly written show that shit the bed in the final episode more spectacularly than I could have imagined, and yet I did! I think probably it is because I love found family so much, and also I find goofy camp charming more often than not. And of course, there is Bering and Wells, the femslash ship that fandom forgot. I will never be over how no one knows what we have suffered!!!!!

Runaways: wow was this a surprise! The Runaways comic is my favorite comic besides Marjorie Liu’s X-23 run, and this show has basically nothing to do with it, and normally that would piss me off but they got my kids’ personalities down so well and all of the actors are so perfect that I really can’t complain. And also, this show has canon f/f and neither of them die at the end! Which is...better than some other shows I could mention!

Doctor Who series 1 and 5: I had a very intense Doctor Who phase in college, and after all was said and done and I quit the show for a time, I realized that although I love a lot of the characters, and Thirteen’s run is pretty good so far, what I really loved was Nine’s run and Eleven’s first season. That is the show at its best to me. Eccleston is my Doctor and Amy is my favorite companion.

Legends of Tomorrow: Look, I am as shocked as anyone that this, the scrappy underdog of the DCTV lineup, is the one that’s most emotionally competent and has the best character arcs! But here we are. Season 4 was some of my favorite TV I’ve seen, uh, ever.

Albums

Dirty Computer by Janelle Monae: I listened to this for basically a year straight after it came out. It’s just ridiculously good.

Something Fierce by Marian Call: This was my on-repeat album in college. i drew a lot of strength from it, and I think that it’s still the best album to recommend to people who ask me about her.

Standing Stones by Marian Call: I heard most of these songs live at concerts before they were quite done yet, so it was really special to get to hear them all collected together like this. I’m going to get a tattoo with a lyric from one of these songs because no one’s quite been able to put my basic philosophy into words quite like Marian.

Heartthrob by Tegan and Sara: Hot Take, I know, because a lot of people hate this album, but it was so affirming to go out and buy A Lesbian Album from A Lesbian Band in 2013.

The Rent movie soundtrack: I know, I KNOW, but in my defense, my parents got me this for my birthday my first year of college and I needed it so desperately. I can definitely still do “La Vie Boheme” from the beginning and probably most of the other songs too.

In the Heights OBCR: I can only listen to this when I want to cry, but it’s my favorite musical. I got to see the show in 2018 and it was incredible. I think it’s better than Hamilton and I can’t wait for the movie to come out.

Trouble by Natalia Kills: this album is really great and also it says fuck a lot, which I used to be very nervous about hearing or saying, and this helped immensely!

[whatthehellisastilesimagine]

Stupid: A Stiles Stilinski Imagine

Request from Anon: can you write something about your boyfriend Stiles being jealous bc you have an important work to do with Isaac ? So one day he decides to give you the silent treatment, laughing really loud as he talks to girls around you You wanted to let him go on with his stupid game but finally you found a way to kiss him and to tell him that he is stupid bc there is nothing between you and isaac

Hope this is okay for you lovely, and enjoy x 

You watched on as Stiles continued to talk to his most recent lab partner. Harris had split you two up after the last accidental explosion that had occurred as a result of you trying to conduct an experiment together. You had been paired with Isaac Lahey, a friend that you thought highly of, what with him having saved your life on multiple occasions, his werewolf abilities proving beneficial. Stiles, on the other hand, had ended up with some blonde bimbo who, on more than one occasion, had remarked that your boyfriend’s awkwardness was adorable and that his intelligence added to his charm.

Yeah, I know. I am dating him, after all.

Unfortunately, due to the intensity of the chemistry project that had been set, lab partners were having to spend much more time with each other than either would really want. Well, at least, more time than what Stiles wanted. The Stilinski boy had grown particularly agitated after you’d had to cancel movie night, needing to spend time with Isaac in order to complete notes from the previous lesson. The image of his brown eyes darkening, the disappointment in his face was emblazoned in your mind.

It hadn’t hit you that maybe he was jealous. Not even now, as you watched that goofy smile appear on his face, Blondie wrapping her hair around her finger as she laughed at whatever he was saying, envy bubbling in your chest.

It was when you realised that his smile was forced, that her laugh was clearly fake, that you knew. Stiles was playing a game. A ridiculously stupid game. All because you were spending more time with Lahey than you were with him.

Well, if he wanted it to be that way, you were just going to let it happen.

You turned to your locker, noticing that Stiles’ gaze had moved to you as he realised that you weren’t really paying attention to him, all interest in his lab partner disappearing. She continued to babble on, him nodding along half-heartedly as he continued to think of other ways to get his own back, to show you how he really felt about it all. And then it hit him.

You brushed past him as you walked to class, almost leaning up to kiss his cheek, to let your lips linger against his skin. Almost.

“Hey, Stiles.”

He didn’t answer, instead, chose to laugh at something that Blondie had said. You were sure she wasn’t that funny, and your boyfriend’s dismissal of your presence was something that only made you angry. So, silent treatment was it? Well, two could play at that game.

You took your seat next to Isaac as you arrived in class, watching as Stiles followed you, his nostrils flaring at the sight of you smiling at whatever the werewolf had said. It was infuriating for him, seeing you like that. Seeing you with someone who clearly had feelings for you and didn’t know when to back off. Who thought that because he had all those supernatural abilities, you would choose him over your own boyfriend.

Your boyfriend who loved you with everything he had.

Stiles knew that you had clocked on to his games, his way of getting you to understand how he felt. He knew you weren’t stupid, and wasn’t irritated about that even if he had spent all morning trying to figure out how to get his own back, his eyes shut tight, fingers clicking as he plotted.

But, he was determined to win, determined to make you give in first. So, he said nothing, letting you carry on with whatever plans were swimming through your head.

Stiles was the first to leave after class had finished, his keys in his hand as he prepared to drive himself home. Watching you laugh and joke with Isaac was enough for him, and he couldn’t bear to watch the girl he loved with someone else. Especially someone like Isaac, with his strength and his supernatural abilities. With everything that Stiles didn’t have.

He no longer cared about winning or losing. He just wanted you back.

What he didn’t know was that you felt exactly the same way, having decided to confront him after class.

You followed him to the jeep, determination to prove to him that you loved him evident in your step.

“Stiles, wait,” your boyfriend turned, and you saw the desperation in his eyes, “I give up. You win. It was a stupid game after all. And you know what? You’re stupid for thinking that I want to be with Isaac. You’re so stupid, Stilinski. And I love you.”

You didn’t give him a chance to answer before you kissed him, your lips parting against his as his hands flew to your hair. It was moments like these, when it was just you two together, that made everything worth it.

He was worth it.

When the two of you parted, you smiled at each other, before Stiles pulled you close, hugging you tightly as he breathed you in.

“I love you too. How about I make it up to you with movie night?”

“I was going to suggest exactly the same thing.”

Masterlist

[imaginesofeverykind]

Unbreakable || Sam Drake x Reader || College AU

Characters: Sam Drake x Fem!Reader //College AU// Ft Harry Flynn & Chloe Frazer

Fandom: Uncharted 

Request: Yas! So I decided to add three requests together because of the similarities between them so here they are! \1\ [ Could you do a sam Drake x reader where they have broke up and now they attend a party at Nate's but you know, same is with another girl and the the reader’s so jealous but in the end they get back together! Or if you want it could be tbe reader who is with someone else and Sam's jealous ! Or the both of them why not ! Hahah Enjoy] \2\ [Hi :D Okay so, I really like your writing and I was wondering if I could request a jealous Sammy fic but with all the fluff bc we all need more fluff in our lives (am I right?) Tysm you super cool person :D <3] \3\ [Sam Drake x reader where Sam and the reader used to be together but now the reader’s coming at the party with someone else but in fact, they still love eachother and will come to term]

Prompt: A month after a nasty break up between You and Sam, the both of you cross paths again at a party hosted by Nate and Elena -who always host the wildest parties- but this time both of you have brought dates. 

Tags: @rafeadderall @missdictatorme @dragonjedihobbit @shararogers @solarsystemus @roses-are-bae

Word Count: 1,859

A/N: Yeah sorry I’ve been hella inactive but I literally just slammed through all these requests just for you guys bc bless I love you all so much! <3 Also yeah college AU seemed incredibly fitting given the atmosphere I was trying to create! Um yes, also Harry Flynn deadset looks/acts a bit like Sam, like obviously not but like the slicked back hair, flirty as fuck™ and has that nice deep voice. brb, I'm crying. also, Sam’s kinda a dick in this? soz

The music pounded loudly, you were almost certain it caused imminent damage to your ears and felt as though it liquefied your lungs as the bass heavy song rattled your chest. You gripped a hand in your own, turning back to face the very person you dragged along with you to one of the biggest and best college parties of the year. 

He smirked at you, the scar over his lip glinted ever so slightly under the neon lights and his slicked back hair was always a reminder of who still had your heart. Oh, you wished the guy you yanked through the sea of people was Sam Drake, but unfortunately, it wasn’t him. But it was a friend of his, Harry Flynn, who had been more than happy to jump in and volunteer as a shoulder to cry on. 

That was only given that he wanted to get into your pants, which in a way worked. Benefiting him to an extent, and managed to keep you preoccupied from the hole in your heart that Sam left after he broke things off with you. It was devastating for you, out of nowhere he all of a sudden ended things. 

It was a messy breakup, names were said, things were said that you didn’t mean and he didn’t mean. You never truly figured out why he broke up with you, but you had a fairly good idea. 

Just as the thought crosses your mind, there you saw him. A beer in one hand talking to his younger brother while the other hung loosely over a woman's shoulder. ‘That woman’ was Chloe Frazer to be exact. It had been a while since you saw him this close, and it pained you to see him enjoying himself because you certainly hadn’t enjoyed the last month single, even if you were screwing Harry on occasion. 

No one made you smile like that tall idiot did, his goofy personality and dumb jokes always put a grin on your face even if you didn’t feel like smiling. The first week was the easiest you coped after he broke it off with you because it hadn’t fully registered with you just yet. The second week was a little harder, you moped, but at least Harry offered some emotional support -if you could call pity fucking emotional support-.

The third week so far was the hardest, your brain was raking at anything to justify his decision to break things off with you. You even tried blaming yourself, that maybe you were too clingy, too needy and annoying. But that was the catch. You did nothing wrong, you were a good girlfriend to him. Loyal, trustworthy and loving.  

Sadly, the truth was that while you might have been those things to him he, unfortunately, wasn’t any of those to you. Sam was a good guy...at times... You saw that. You saw past his flaws and you saw how good he was on the inside and how kind he was to the people he cared about. Sam could never look past his own flaws. 

Insecurity is what made him end it with you. 

You, of course, don’t know that at the very moment you both lock eyes across the room full of dancing drunk frat boys and sorority girls. The thing about Sam was, he was good a reading people. Ridiculously good at reading people, and his heart ached when his eyes met yours. He could see the hurt in your eyes, the pain in your face. He even noticed the subtle frown on your face, the way the corners of your mouth turned downward. 

Sam was aware of the mistake he made the moment you left him after he broke it off. You, however, rip your eyes away from his and meet Harry’s. Despite how incredibly dim he appeared Harry wasn’t a complete idiot, he noticed who you were looking at and smiled kindly at you, tucking loose strands of hair behind your ear. 

“hey - forget about him, all right?” He smiled, cupping your face before bringing his lips to your own. You were incredibly taken aback by the gesture, in fact, it almost brought comfort to you. 

From afar Sam noticed the exchange between you and Harry, instinctively he tightened his jaw and let a displeased sigh pass his lips. He mentally reminded himself that it was him who broke it off in the first place and he had no right to get jealous. Which is correct, he had no right at all. But the more he repeated it to himself the harder he found it to resist it. 

It pissed him off seeing you with someone who wasn’t him. But he was an egotistical male who would much rather do something to rile you up and get you to come to him first since he wasn’t going to own up to his mistake. Completely ignoring his brother's story, Sam bent down and gripped Chloe’s waist, planting a desperate kiss on her lips.  

Nate just rolled his eyes and went off elsewhere leaving Sam and Chloe to themselves. He was the first person to call his brother an idiot for letting go of the best thing in his life, that best thing was you. Nate of course, loved his brother and was great friends with Chloe but he was less than thrilled to know the little negotiation going on between the two. 

Harry held you close to him in an embrace, his fingers gliding through your hair as he swayed to the beat of the music. You pulled away from his comforting embrace and see out of the corner of your eye Sam and Chloe. “I’ll get you a drink love... you need it.” You weren’t sure where this nice side of Harry was coming from, you didn’t think it was possible for him to have a nice side. 

But alas, here he was about to get you a drink to calm your nerves. “Thanks... I’ll be outside.” You smiled, wanting to get some air as the room suddenly felt stuffy upon seeing Chloe and Sam. He nodded and the two of you separated, your legs walked you to the backyard where it was mostly occupied by the resident stoners of the frat house. 

Not that you minded, they were always nice quiet people. The cool breeze was nice on your skin and the muffled beats of the music made it less suffocating than when you were inside. You wanted to be alone, whether you were going to cry or not was another thing. 

Seating yourself on the end of the pool, letting your feet dangle underneath the water you sighed. You were always a happy person, so kind and loving and incredibly happy overall, but Sam managed to rip that from you and now it was hard to even get a smile out of you. Elena was supportive through most of it, trying to help you pick yourself up but it just simply wasn’t working. You appreciated her kind words and gestures. 

Elena was another person to call Sam and idiot, she was more vocal about her disdain toward the older Drake brother for doing this to you and made it clear on multiple occasions that she no longer liked him. You were grateful to have Elena, which you did notice you hadn’t seen her since arriving. 

You hadn’t realised the tears in your eyes until one fell from your head and hit the water, making it ripple ever so slightly. Harry had made his way over to you, a beer in both his hands and he seated himself beside you, “here you go love.” You thanked him and looked over at him, wiping the tears from your eyes. “I’m sorry Harry... you don’t deserve this, you deserve someone who isn’t me... I really appreciate that you helped me but you need to go off and find a hot girl who’s better suited for you.” 

He couldn’t tear his gaze away from you, he wrapped an arm around your waist and smiled. “You’ll get over this eventually Y/N... maybe you’ll find someone else instead of that twat... I hope you realise we’re still friends, right?” You nodded a slight smile forming on your lips, “of course Harry... now go and have fun I know how much you love to party.” 

Kissing your forehead he got up and left you to yourself. You didn’t mind the peace and quiet, especially when so many thoughts consumed your mind. On his way back inside Harry bumped into Sam, purposefully, shoving his shoulder hard into the older Drakes shoulder. He was alone this time, Chloe obviously elsewhere. 

“Watch it, Drake,” Harry grunted, glaring at him. Sam rolled his eyes, returning a glare back to Harry. “Sorry I didn’t see you there little guy.” If there was one thing Harry hated that was when people commented on his height, that pissed him off. However, Sam was on a roll and continued, “how did it feel knowing you were screwing my left overs?”

“Great actually, knowing you weren’t getting them back anytime soon.” He retorted, folding his arms and eying Sam with a grimace. “Well that’s about to change, you stay away from her all right? She’s mine.” Sam attempted to be threatening, normally Harry would heed his words, but tonight he didn’t even flinch. He laughed dryly, “Oh! You think you can just go over to her and apologise and everything’s hunky dory, right? Well, good luck to you because you’ve fucked her over. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need more beer.” 

Sam glared at Harry as he disappeared into the sea of people. His gaze moving from the sweating bodies over to you sitting still at the pool’s edge. Of course, part of him was urging him to talk to you but the other part of him was too proud to do so. He fucked up. He didn’t want the world to know that. 

He caught a glimpse of the tears that rolled down your cheek, swallowing his pride and walking over to you. “Hey.” His tall figure stood beside you, his voice startled you, you hadn’t heard it in so long. If you opened your mouth you knew the sobs would start so you didn’t say anything, simply you shared a glance before returning your gaze to the water. 

Sighing he sat beside you, he didn’t realise how hurt you were. He had a basic idea that you were hurt but not this badly, you were always so strong willed and hardly cried at most things but this showed him how much more devastated you were. He wrapped an arm around you, pulling you closer to him and he sighed, “I’m sorry...” 

Those were the words you needed to hear after all this time. That he was sorry, sorry for ending things badly, sorry for not being better to you, sorry for taking you for granted. He was sorry, and no matter how sincere he was your heart still ached. But, it was a step forward for you. A step forward for the both of you. 

[poison-doll]

the delightful @possumpossumpossum asked me th’other day about my time at camp, and i just started writing to her, and in the end i’d written a fuckin’ novel, and i know some other folks have been curious, so... here’s this thing.

content mentions: csa, drug abuse, suicide, a whole lot of love

the camp is called camp grounded and there are eight rules: no digital technology of any kind; no telling time equipment or using time; no talking about work, including what it is that you do; no age talk, age doesn't matter; no drugs or alcohol, cigarettes are ok but only in like one little zone; no glow sticks or blinky lights; explicit consent is needed for any kind of physical contact; leave your name behind, use a new name of your choice until the closing ceremony. there were like 350ish ppl there, at this camp in the middle of fuckin nowhere in the redwoods.

it's been a really really huge part of my mom's life, and she billed it like it was going to be this whole big transformative thing for literally anyone, and i thought it sounded a little goofy, my attitude basically was like-- it'll be dope to not have to answer phone calls and see some trees for a couple days. right away tho like right away, it's just... well, once ppl start showing up, you get together with your village. everyone is in a particular village of 20-30 ppl, a little subgroup, if it's a tent village everyone pitches their tents in the same zone, cabin villages are all in the same cabins. i was in jackrabbit which was a tent village and so camp starts with a getting together with your new village and doing some like, silly icebreaker games but also like... pair off randomly by a silly method and make eye contact with your new partner and just like, get intimate for a minute. we talked about how we picked our camp names, what we wanted to get out of the weekend, and... idk, already i just was feeling really good about these ppl

on the bus ride up i was sitting with splash and sunshine who were from philly and we bonded a little bc i'd been there ever, and princess proton and lulu who knew each other from previous camps and this guy pickles was sitting next to me who was kind of a weird dude from colorado and it was his first camp also and after we talked a little it turned out he had gone to a rehab thing in this part of the country so we bonded over bein sober buds

the first jackrabbity ppeople i met were bee bee sting who gave me this AMAZING nametag thing to replace my very bad nametag and the counselor ladybug who like is basically a perfect human??? one of the things we did in the group thing was go over the rules, and talk about why those rules are the rules, and about setting a like intention, a what we hope ot get out of the weekend, and by this time i had been with camp folx for like six hours so i was starting to Feel It&tm and i said my intention was that like

what i do in my life is say no. and saying yes to everything is a ridiculous goal, but my intention was to say no deliberately instead of reflexively, to see if maybe there was a yes hidden in the no.

THIS WILL BE RELEVANT LATER

like, that's the thruline, like i am going to tell you more about camp, but... there were only like two or three times the whole weekend where someone offered connection or activity or whatever and i said no, and it wasn't actually even because of my resolution most of the time?? i said yes bc i felt safe and loved and accepted the whole time, the whole whole time.

like, i don't know that i can describe what it's like to be in a place where at any time, with any person, even a stranger you're passing on one of the trails, you make eye contact and you smile and you say hi and it's a real actual connection, even if it's just for a moment, it's a real being acknowledged as another human spirit, nothing rote or formality about it

it was so easy!@!!! i don't talk to people, like i don't do that, but i was standing in line to get breakfast and the guy in front of me was looking a little like he didn't have anyone to talk to and i didn't so i was just like, hey what's up? it was the last day of camp and i just asked him like, what's one thing you're going to take home with you? and we had like 20m of conversation, and we got into some real deep stuff. and it felt as easy as breathing. his name was sparkle.

i feel like i'm skipping from one place to the other, like there isn't a cohesive narrative here, and that's something i'm always wanted about, but i just don't know how to describe it, i don't know how to show you what it felt like so i just keep pulling little trinkets out of my bag and putting them next to the growing pile and hope if i pull out enough the shape will make sense

there was a talent show, and i think it speaks volumes about how open and inviting the community is that out of like 350 ppl 55 people signed up for the talent show, including a lot of ppl who had literally never been on a stage before. there were people who were, speaking from a critical standpoint, not super good at the thing they were doing, and also legit professional performers, and the crowd!!! responded in exactly the same way for each extreme!!!! and it didnt' feel forced at all

i found out after camp was being broken down that the talent show started at 9 pm, and went 'til almost 3am. it moved from one stage to a smaller stage, and i was like third from last, and still there were thirty or so people in the audience. i closed the stage out, i wanted to be there to the end. at first i was upset about going on so late but it was so perfect, the audience was in just the right place to receive me and i was in just the right place to tell a bummer fuckin story about my shitty granddad. two spots before me a woman named fulfilled got on stage and worked her way slowly and faltering through the story of forgiving her brother for molesting her and her family for covering it up, then a guy named happy feet who did a dance and stream of consciousness about, i don't know, maybe taking too much ecstasy and just wanting to stay high forever, and then me, and then an opera singer, and sprinkle lifestyle talking about his ex-best friend blaming him for her husband’s death, and then a man named rabbi doing a guided meditation about finding your perfect self and becoming it

i cried so much, i already cry a lot but i cried so much, and i cried in front of other people, and i didn't wipe my tears i just let them fall and let myself be red and smeary and blurry and people joined me

at the 90's themed dance they played a song one of my old friends who committed suicide used to play, and bee bee walked me away from camp and just held me and then took me to the typewriter village and i wrote him a letter and then i went back into the place and danced to nirvana

there was a tea spot, a yurt where there were tea tastings and people ended up falling over each other, and i met a woman named scoby and she said "can i put my head on your shoulder" and we watched scarecrow, real name john craigie, and then the set ended and we started walking and she curled her arm around mine and we took the long way and i said, "our eyes will adjust, thank god for the moon" and we sang rent and talked about how we ended up in kind of the same place but by different routes, how she was poly and working on not falling in love so easily, and how i was just starting to allow myself to want intimacy again, and we slept together in her tent all tangled up, we talked about how we really definitely wanted to fuck, but also really didn't want to do that and i looked for her in the morning but she had already left

i was saving the last picture on my disposable camera for a picture of her but she had gone so i took a picture of myself instead, i hadn't taken any of myself

i read tarot, i read for myself and i read for a bunch of other people, and there was a tarot workshop, and i did that and we sat together in a circle and passed decks around and i cried and cried and cried when i pulled the queen of cups. i've seen the queen of cups a lot of times in reading for myself and it's always been someone else, some external force, but in that moment it was me. i had brought my deck, and it was the first time anyone other than me had touched it, and i could feel the hum of the camp in the cardstock when i read for superman later in the day, and justice jumped out of the deck, and i sat with him and his wife danger and we puzzled over the cards and then i laughed and laughed and laughed because he chose to call himself superman and we couldn't figure out what justice was supposed to mean

in the hotel last night i cried for an hour, by myself, walking from the bathroom to collapse on the bed to shuffle back towards the taps, ,how can i leave all that behind? how can i be in the real world again? how can i go back to being closed off, go back to being jack instead of dizzy?

when rabbi walked us through a field holding fallen stars, each one of them a crystal-encased version of ourselves, a past or present or future that could be, and he asked us to find our perfect self, what i saw was how i looked in that moment, i saw the me at camp, the me who everyone says couldn't stop smiling, the me who speaks soft and true, who reads cards and holds hands and says yes instead of no and has a shoulder that looks like a good place for your cheek