#july-aug will be the happiest time of my life

[roseandsalt]

nostalgia could kill me if the times i'm nostalgic for were like 20% more exciting

[golbrocklovely]

since i haven't done one of these in a hot minute…

here are more of colby’s tweets from 2018.

i don’t have proof that these are his tweets, but believe me, they are his.

if it’s bold and italicized, it’s someone’s tweet to him.

if it’s in (), that’s just me commenting lol

~~~~~~~~~~~

July 2 - crazy how the smallest things in life are what makes you most happy

July 3 - everyone’s crazy in their own way

in the grand scheme of things nothing really matters unless it matters in your mind

July 6 - i need to start being nicer to myself

July 7 - being on stage is fun. thanks for making this experience possible

July 8 - my brain clears as soon as i leave LA

i’m gunna name my daughter brock so everybody calls her BROCK BROCK HAHA

(the juxtaposition between these past two tweets sksksk)

July 9 - sometimes life seems like a big blurry cycle of the same daily motions

lost or free

July 11 - hiding out in a forest from cops right now in the middle of Ontario, Canada i wonder what we’re gunna eat for dinner

July 13 - thankful that u exist

July 17 - i wanna get tattoos all over i just need to find testicles to do it first

July 19 - can’t wait to take a break from my phone for a little bit .. you’ll see why soon

July 20 - her power is in her words

(i feel like he's tweeted this before��� but i'm not sure when)

July 29 - hey guys, in case you forgot about me my name’s colby, but you can call me C-man

Aug. 4 - you all changed my life so imma do everything in my power to change yours

what’s up with the grandmas at meet and greets who constantly are grabbing my ass? like i know it’s fat, but damn

Aug. 10 - some days i sit here thinking there’s something wrong w me

everyone out here tryna do the same sh*t

Aug. 11 - i will love you till the day i decay

dear insecurities, please go far far away please and thank you. maybe a trip to Madagascar with no returning flight? just a suggestion. sincerely, my inner thoughts xx

Aug. 14 - separating a home environment and a work environment is SO important to get lots of work done

(i just want to make a quick note that this time period is when i just got into the fandom, and i can distinctly remember all of these tweets as they were coming out lol)

Aug. 16 - lol mom isn’t too happy i talked to demons

Aug. 19 - i hate how people nowadays are acting and dressing dark/emo just because it’s a popular trend be your damn selves

Aug. 21 - the people who don’t care about superficial things like social status, money, being cool etc. are the ones who will be THE most successful in life

ITS ALL ABOUT LIGHTING AND ANGLES BABY

show me the side of u that no one else sees

escape her in the day but she find me in my dreams

(he was really in his feelings this day, huh)

Aug. 25 - black on black on black

Aug. 26 - learning how to become best friends with myself

fighting to be remembered

just got on stage dressed as a koala. tour was so amazing <3 but all amazing things come to an end. thank you all for everything. love you so much

(wow this was the last time they were on tour… that really makes me sad 🙁)

Aug. 27 - there’s a HUGE difference between being open minded and being crazy

Sept. 1 - whenever i’m feeling sad i just eat a massive amount of taco bell

Sept. 4 - you ever just wonder how it’s even possible for someone to be so perfect ?

Sept. 10 - i’ll always be around

Sept. 11 - i wear the same jeans every day

Sept. 15 - if people act like they don’t care and don’t wanna give me the time of day , of course i’m gunna reciprocate the feeling

Sept. 16 - if i get arrested this week mom i’m sorry in advance

i’m happiest when i can be off my phone and live in the moment ironic that this is my main job always gotta remind myself to take breaks

Sept. 17 - i feel like i only tweet late at night

Sept. 18 - overall, mental health is number one your happiness is what matters most

i absolutely hate starting things i can’t finish

Sept. 19 - everything is connected you make your own destiny. don’t be fooled it’s more simple than you think

i just want a special girl i can take to the beach at night so we can point out the constellations and have our own lil picnic

(why can’t he tweet like this anymore ??? 🥺)

Sept. 21 - random thought: 100s of fireflies on a warm summer evening in Kansas .. walking in the park w my mom. it’s those moments i’ll cherish most

Sept. 25 - there’s just somethin about you

my job is to make you feel special.. important.

if i die and did not do that, then i’ve failed

Sept. 26 - people said when i moved to LA I would change .. and they were right! i did. a lot. but constant change is inevitable.. i would HATE to be the person i was 4 years ago embrace the change. it’s not always bad

Sept. 28 - i’ll never have respect for unloyal people

yo a squirrel just threw a nut at me, smacked me in the back of the head

[ajoblotofjunk]

I was going through my first outline for HFoG and wow that is some wild shit. It was so different! For fun I thought I’d share some of it so you can see where it veered dramatically off course.

The first couple of chapters are the same, the first differences really start in March.

March (Yr 1) - Two weeks later in mid-March is first race - Did you declare the oil?/Of course I did, gods, Jaime, I know what I'm doing. /I saw you studying the regs again.; pit stop argument, etc.; Early pit stop, Jaime thinks they're too slow, is watching the racers pacing him, zooms off a bit too soon and Brienne is FURIOUS with him for putting them in danger, they have a huge fight and it's the first time he backs off a little and apologizes. She says 'if you do it again, I'm done.' I promise I won't. 'There has to be trust, Lannister.' 'Jaime's shorter, you know. You'd save a whole syllable. Could be critical in the pit.' She rolls her eyes. 'Fine. Jaime.'; Brienne in response makes Jaime learn how to stop exactly where he needs to; she stands in front, knowing he'll hit her if she doesn't trust him. I'll be the front jack. He makes a comment and she's like “this is serious, Jaime.” He swallows and nods by her use of his name. “Okay then. Let's practice.” He's still wounded from his team betraying him, he doesn't trust them, but he trusts Brienne. (This is all between the preseason and first race)

(Ed. note:That thing about the syllables shows up in the wedding night sex as my own personal shoutout TO MYSELF because I always loved that line and it never made it into the fic in the end and I’m an enormous dork.)

May (Yr 1) – Bronn places dye in Jaime's gloves so when he shakes hands they're blue (but Jaime laughs, he's the happiest he's been in years, he's driving loose and confident and reckless but he's winning for now); Martyn's payment comes due & almost fucks up Brienne (he's on tire duty, he is slow on the pneumatic during a practice and asks for her help and she comes over and he releases it as she's going for it and it almost breaks her wrist. It's obvious he did it purposefully and the crew swarms him, Bronn goes to get Jaime, who comes back FURIOUS and fires him; Arya joins the crew (Willem cleans up his act)

(Ed. note: I forgot Arya was supposed to join in year one. Hah.)

June has most of what ended up being in July, and July has most of what ended up being in June. Then:

August (Yr 1) – Two weeks in he shows up, middle of a hot, lazy summer; they have a great time; he drives the F1, they grow closer

(Ed. note: No sexytimes at all on Tarth. No sexytimes at all until the second year, which is one of the best changes I made.)

September (Yr 1) – Wins a race, shirt off, spray w/champagne; they kiss first time before crash ('for good luck' he says; realized he felt like he always did at the start of a race day, blood pulsing with the need for action and the roar and vibration of the engine under him); BEFORE he loses his hand, he's about ready to have sex with her on top of the car but he's got his celibacy thing and he's like “after the race”) and then he crashes the next day so their first time takes awhile. (He's glad she didn't know what he was like with two hands, he's worried he couldn't compete with that Jaime.); crash happens at Griffin's Roost end of Sept. (he hit Red before that for talking shit about Brienne; does Vargo Hoat cause the crash (Martyn gave him secret access to the info & the building w/Connington's help - oh snap)); she's watching, he takes the corner too fast and then in the second between watching live and turning to the screen, his car is flipping. She sees his car and her brother's car superimposed on each other, when she'd snuck out to see it at the impound after.

(Ed. note: The original reason they don’t get together in the first year was because Jaime had a celibacy vow during the race season that he kept as sort of a ‘good luck’ thing, which I’m super glad I dropped. Not my finest plot device. 😂)

Oct  (Yr 1)– Brienne convinces Selwyn to start a team and signs Jaime based on Brienne's belief in him; She ends up driving him fast to get that feeling back. But he's a complete disaster, drinks too much and makes a fool of himself, cruel as a defense mechanism, obsessed w/Brienne but doesn't want to bring her down

(Ed. note: This was a period of time where the Arctic Monkeys’ “Do You Wanna Know” was influencing everything I was writing and I wanted him to be very sweaty and wrecked and this is also a thing I’m glad I dropped. Brynn and I actually talked about this a lot - whether Jaime being cruel to her after they’ve started getting together would be a dealbreaker; at one point he was so mean to her she just left for Tarth and that kickstarted him into wanting to get his act together, but a lot changed and so did that, thankfully)

Nov (Yr 1) – Brienne tells him the news after the World Championship when he's super down on himself and that she will be his race engineer and have Bronn as his chief mechanic because she blames herself for not paying attention (which she doesn't reveal until later); and Pod and Arya and most of the crew; she says no December break, you have to work for it. “Why?” he asks. He starts rehab. They start fixing up Selwyn's F1.

(Ed. note: Oh I forgot she surprised him with the news they were starting a racing team for him. Hah. Wow this version was SO DIFFERENT.)

Dec (Yr 1) – She surprises him by bringing in Arthur Dayne to motivate him; they get FIA to agree that he can have a modified steering wheel. Jaime has conversation with Selwyn – you have more money than you  let on. 'I wanted Brienne to have a simple life.' 'Then why did you let her come with me?' 'Because you were the only one who didn't look at her like she was a freak.' Jaime is- OOF.

(Ed. note: I knew I wanted Arthur Dayne to show up, but he was playing a more active mentoring role in this version, and then once I really started getting into Jaime being left hanging alone with the ‘Kingslayer’ stuff, I was pissed at Arthur and realized it wasn’t okay for him to just show up. Heh. Also - that line is actually in the final version of HFoG, so some things do stay!)

Jan (Yr 2) – (they don't have NEARLY as much money as with Lannister Corp – look at this for ideas of how that will play out: https://us.motorsport.com/f1/news/tales-former-f1-chief-mechanic-952404/3045945/)

(Ed. Note: I did end up using a TON of the reading and research that I did throughout the story, even in the final version. Races were especially helpful for me to see the wild things that COULD happen - like Brienne coming in to pit with two flat tires. However, the Evenstar team having a much smaller budget never came in to play as much as I thought when I first started. There were some hints of it - their meager ‘cafe’ in the paddock, only having one wing at the end, not having all the extra parts teams normally would, but that article is actually pretty interesting for other ways the really shoestring budget teams have to cope. The LanCo LST was really helpful for me to get around the reality that having a car that can compete at the top level requires an absurd amount of money.)

Feb (Yr 2) - Oberyn Martell had won instead, his first championship ever, and he had not seemed happy when he took the trophy. Brienne had been touched when he'd dedicated it to Aerys and he'd had the trophy sent to Aerys' family; Rumor hinted they'd melted it down and sent that to Jaime Lannister with a note calling him 'Kingslayer,' but it seemed so medieval and cruel Brienne couldn't believe it.

(Ed. Note: Oh geeze I totally forgot about this subplot! There was a whole thing where the Targaryen’s HAD done that and Jaime held onto the trophy as sort of a self-flagellation and then he ends up throwing it away before he proposes to Brienne. Hah.)

Mar (Yr 2) – how he loses one race: https://www.dw.com/en/f1-sebastian-vettel-loses-his-cool-as-lewis-hamilton-wins-canadian-grand-prix/a-49120669

Apr (Yr 2) – he gets really frustrated and shoves all the tools off the table; “I'm not cleaning that up,” she said and walked out on him.

(Ed. note: Honestly a little sad I never kept this scene in some form. It could have been good.)

Jul (Yr 2) - (He puts the old-school lollipop sign in her hand. You tell me when you're ready.)

(Ed. note: this would have been ~symbolic~ because the lollipop signs were what the pit crew used to use to stop a driver in the pit lane and then released him back on the track, but it would have taken too much to explain and it never felt worth it.)

Aug (Yr 2) – She says he needs the rest; he wants to be with her; they have sex; she admits she's been reluctant she didn't want to curse him and he thought she just wasn't interested though he adored her. He says “you're the best luck I ever had.” They finally get together for good.

(Ed. note: I held onto that “best luck I ever had” line for far, far longer than it deserved. I mean it almost showed up in the actual proposal scene and luck had ceased to be a thematic thing between them.)

Oct (Yr 2) – He shows her the interview from their first week – this moment, and he paused right after her story, when he'd stared at her with what she recognized now as adoration; this, he said, is when I first fell in love with you. (That's how he tells her he loves her.); Bronn gets sick, she has to be Chief Mechanic again, she's terrified about Jaime crashing but she works a couple of races and everything is okay. Bronn comes back.

(Ed. note: So - this was going to be Brienne’s big emotional subplot in addition to the relationship. Her being Chief Mechanic again after she was his mechanic during his crash. That was why I ended up changing everything, because it wasn’t enough.)

Nov (Yr 2) – he wins the World Championship; they get fastest pit time record; they find each other in the crowd, Jaime pushing through the media scrum and other racers and everyone and he sees her tall and blonde and tears in her eyes and they find each other and hug and kiss and he doesn't care.

(Ed. note: He had been the more reticent one which was absurd. So many good changes from this version.)

January (again) - He retires to work with her and Selwyn on Tarth; they start a racing school with a focus on underprivileged and disabled kids, as well as girls; Brienne keeps getting calls to be a mechanic for another team (will she?? No, she loves being home mentoring girls interested in being mechanics)

(Ed. note: The karting school was there from the beginning!! But again I didn’t really understand Brienne in this initial outline, and I’m so glad I spent the time thinking more about her and what she wanted. I think the balance between them really worked to give the story so much more depth.)

[fortheloveoffraser]

Our wedding is postponed #talesofacoronabride

I wanted to share why my fiancé & I made the decision tonight to postpone our October 11, 2020 wedding to October 10, 2021...

First, we were both very hopeful & confident our wedding would happen this year. I’m honestly shocked. It wasn’t until this weekend we both started to kind of realize this may not happen and we felt 50/50 about things. Then yesterday a bridesmaid asked if we were still going through with everything after hearing about the 4 phases in MA. To be honest I only really knew the first phase so I started to research it and I found about 5 articles stating the same dreadful conclusion that basically everyone will still need to social distance and wear masks up until the first week of August at the least even if all goes well.

My bridal shower is just around the corner and my bachelorette was supposed to happen the weekend of July 31-Aug 2...I called my mom to see what she thought. I told her I didn’t want my memories of what is supposed to be the happiest time in my life to be memories of us wearing masks and keeping distanced at events where I want to embrace and hug my loved ones, drink and eat carefree and take pictures without masks...my mom has worked tirelessly on this shower, I’m her only daughter and I honestly feel more badly about the shower being pushed off than the actual wedding just because I know how excited and anxious she’s been to just have it (the whole thing is a surprise I don’t even know the date!)

I cried selfishly for a little on the phone and then again after...ugly crying in front of my cat who was like wtf shut up mom! Lol feeling bad for myself and having a moment but honestly after crying it out and weighing the pros and cons (I wrote actual lists) & my fiancé being SO sweet and supportive as I explained my doubts to him we both realized that this was probably for the best and we both didn’t want to say it but we knew the right decision...the nice thing is everyone we have told so far have said things like “I think you guys are smart for doing that it’s for the best and it will still be great.” Which is really nice to hear.

We did think about holding these events after the wedding but for us it wouldn’t feel the same, we also thought maybe we could push the shower or our Bach parties to the end of the summer or even September but we figured doing that was risky too because we don’t know if there will be a second wave in the fall or even if everything is ok things still won’t be “normal”. We want everyone there and there will still probably be fear around traveling & large crowds.

I do want to say I’m feeling a lot better today. It stinks and I’m bummed but the only pro we both could think of was that we’d be married and when it came down to it there were way more pros to pushing it a year so our 21 month engagement has turned into 33 but it is a huge relief knowing we’ve decided and we will be able to move forward now not having to wonder and guess and worry with every passing day.

At the end of the day we are trying to look at the silver linings! We have a bigger budget now and could get some fun things like a food truck or videographer that wasn’t in the budget before! We also can start saving and looking for a home now, etc.

We understand that some have it way worse than us and we are fortunate to have such lovely vendors, caring family and friends & each other. My heart goes out to other brides, the birthdays, the seniors in high school and college, children and disabled folks who may be confused or don’t understand why they can’t see their friends and anyone who has a sick family member or who have passed. ♥️ I am praying things. Thanks for reading.

It’s all going to be worth the wait. Love is patient 💗 ...definitely our new motto for the wedding!

Just finished desiging our new FREE save the dates from Shutterfly thank you!

[dailytomlinson]

Louis Tomlinson may be one-fifth of one of the biggest boybands in the world, but there's so much more to know about the singer than the fact he was in One Direction. Now that he's getting on with his solo music career - AND just dropped his amazing new single 'Two Of Us', Louis is a major household name across the world.

Here's everything you need to know about Louis Tomlinson:

1) Louis’s middle name is William.

2) Louis Tomlinson was born on Christmas Eve in 1991.

3) Louis is the oldest member of One Direction. He’s 13 months older than second eldest Zayn Malik.

Check out One Direction through the years: View Gallery 11 photos 1 / 11 One Direction © Shutterstock One Direction auditioning on The X Factor One Direction formed on The X Factor in 2010. All five members auditioned as individual contestants and were put together as a group by Simon Cowell.

4) Louis Tomlinson's star sign is Capricorn. Apparently, typical Capricorns live by the motto, ‘Slow, steady and win the race.’

5) Louis was brought up in Doncaster, South Yorkshire. Other famous people who hail from the town include Jeremy Clarkson, Kevin Keegan and Brian Blessed!

Jeremy Clarkson JEREMY CLARKSON AND BRIAN BLESSED © SHUTTERSTOCK 6) Louis once said that he is a big fan of girls who eat carrots!

7) If Louis had a superpower, he would be able to fly.

8) Louis’s favourite band is The Fray.

9) Louis’s favourite song of all time is ‘Look After You’ by The Fray.

10) Louis’s celebrity crush is Natalie Portman and his man crush is Robbie Williams - who he recently sat next to on The X Factor judging panel.

11) He also once said that Robbie is his biggest role model, telling Metro Radio "I’ve got a massive musical icon and that’s Robbie Williams. We actually got to sing with him on The X Factor and it was absolutely amazing."

X Factor ROBBIE WILLIAMS, AYDA FIELD, LOUIS TOMLINSON AND SIMON COWELL © SHUTTERSTOCK 12) Louis has approximately 1 minute and 30 seconds of solos on ‘Up All Night’ – the second least behind Niall Horan.

13) Louis auditioned on The X Factor by singing a version of Plain White T’s ‘Hey There Delilah’. He got a clean sweep of yeses from the judges.

14) Louis's parents are Johannah Deakin and Troy Austin. They split up when Louis was young, and he eventually took on his stepfather Mark Tomlinson’s surname. Johannah sadly passed away in 2016, Louis paid tribute to his mum on the anniversary of her passing.

15) Louis has five younger half-sisters - one on his father's side (Georgia), and four on his mother's side (Charlotte, Félicité, and twins Daisy and Phoebe).

16) When he was just 11-years-old, Louis had a role as an extra on ITV drama_**_ Fat Friends. His newborn sisters Daisy and Phoebe starred as babies on the show.

17) Spurred on by his appearance on Fat Friends, Louis attended acting school in his spare time and eventually had small parts in 2006 ITV drama If I Had You! and Waterloo Road.

18) When he first auditioned for The X Factor, Louis was a sixth form student at Hall Cross School in Doncaster.

19) Louis also attended The Hayfield School in Doncaster, but dropped out when he failed his first year of A-levels.

20) Louis had a number of part-time jobs before The X Factor, including working at a local cinema and as a hospitality waiter at Doncaster Rovers Football Club.

21) As a student, Louis played the lead role of Danny Zuko in a high school production of Grease. He says playing the part gave him the confidence to audition for The X Factor.

22) When he was younger, Louis wanted to work on a farm.

23) Louis would love to copy Michael Jackson and have a pet monkey. He said, "I'd like to adopt a chimpanzee and build an eternal friendship, that would be amazing."

24) Louis’s favourite colour is dark red.

25) Louis is a big fan of Las Vegas rockers The Killers. After seeing them perform at V Festival, he tweeted, "Watching Mr Brightside live last night was unbelievable. LOVED The Killers!!"

Louis Tomlinson ✔ @Louis_Tomlinson Watching Mr Brightside live last night was unbelievable. LOVED The Killers !!

22.8K 6:09 PM - Aug 20, 2012 Twitter Ads info and privacy 30.4K people are talking about this 26) Louis suffers from a ringing noise in his right ear. Although yet to be officially diagnosed it’s thought it could be tinnitus which can lead to deafness if untreated. He once said, "I am going slightly deaf in my right ear. It’s tinnitus, something like that," before joking that it was because of screaming fans.

27) According to his bandmates, Louis has the smelliest feet in One Direction! Niall once said, "Louis wears plimsolls with no socks so his feet get very sweaty and the sweat is captured. If we are on a bus or something and he takes them off we all pretty much start gagging."

28) Louis was given a telling off by police when filming the ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ video Los Angeles in July 2011 for his erratic driving. Afterwards, he explained, "I got pulled over by the US police. They thought I was all over the place. The officer goes, 'Listen, man, I can shut this thing down if you carry on driving like this. You're driving like a maniac.' And I was like, 'Man, put the gun down. I don't want no trouble.'"

WATCH: One Direction - What Makes You Beautiful (Official Video)

29) Louis says that he and his 1D bandmates are like brothers. Admitting that they occasionally bicker, Louis told Digital Spy, "Because we're around each other so often it's like arguing with your siblings. You fall out with them, go away and have a bit of a paddy, then come back and get over it."

30) Just like Zayn and Harry Styles, Louis supports Manchester United Football Club.

31) Louis’s favourite track on ‘Up All Night’ is the Ed Sheeran-penned track ‘Moments’. The track appears on the deluxe version of the record.

32) If Louis could give anyone a tip when auditioning for The X Factor it would be "just be yourself and really try and get your personality through in your song choice and interview."

33) Louis once owned a Porsche Boxster and sold it on eBay in 2012 for £30,000.

34) When Zayn’s ex-girlfriend Rebecca Ferguson took to Twitter to complain about being overworked by her management, Louis had very little sympathy! He wrote in a now-deleted tweet, '@RebeccaFMusic Success is impossible without proper hard work.'

Rebecca Ferguson REBECCA FERGUSON © SHUTTERSTOCK 35) Louis loves to party! He once told TOTP magazine, "To be honest, I’m sure the majority of 20-year-olds go out and party. I’m not going to feel oppressed."

36) Louis is a giver and not a taker. In fact, there’s nothing he enjoys more than giving his friends and family presents. His late mum Johannah once told Sugarscape, "He’s not a materialistic person himself, but he likes to give people things. He spoils me and the girls and he's happiest doing that."

37) Louis once said that he likes snuggling up in bed with one of the One Directioners... HARRY! He said, "A few weeks ago I made a cup of tea, then went and got in bed with Harry and we watched a show called something like The Top 50 Boybands Of All Time." Nice!

38) Apparently, Louis has revealed that his least favourite food is baked beans.

39) Louis once said his favourite country is France.

40) Louis is an avid fan of surfing. In fact, he loves the beach so much he says he’d like to get married on one.

41) It takes over 30 minutes for Louis to get his hair ready in the morning.

42) Louis admits he’s a really bad cook. Despite this, he appeared alongside Harry in a cooking segment on This Morning in September 2011.

Louis Tomlinson HARRY AND LOUIS WITH THIS MORNING PRESENTER RUTH LANGSFORD IN 2011 © 

43) One of Louis's favourite mottos is, "Live life for the moment because everything else is uncertain."

44) The two traits Louis looks for in a girl are confidence and a good sense of humour.

45) In 2011, his mum Johannah and stepdad Mark split up. Speaking about his mum, Louis said, "It must be so much harder for her because I’m living this fantastic life and being so busy every day whereas she’s still in the old life I was in but without me... It must be really difficult for her not to get upset."

46) Louis’s pet hate is when people chew their food too loudly.

47) Louis has size 10 feet.

48) A man who works in the music industry once tried to have a snog with Louis! "It was a press guy.... he just started going in for a kiss!" said Louis.

49) Louis loves Marmite and has big dollops of it on his toast.

50) Louis admits that he’s a messy person. In fact, he hasn’t met anyone who’s messier than him!

51) Louis is pretty decent on the piano and he loves to play ‘Mr Brightside’ by The Killers.

52) Louis says he’ll "never get used to" the adoration he receives from fans. He once said, "At the end of the day we’re doing something that we really love and to be appreciated for that is really nice."

53) Louis’s favourite TV shows are Misfits and One Tree Hill.

54) If Louis wasn’t a multi-million selling pop megastar, he reckons he’d be training to be a drama teacher.

55) If Louis could visit any planet it would be... Narnia. Erm, it’s a fictional place Louis!!

56) Louis hates rumours, especially when they involve Harry and himself. In a Tumblr interview he explained, "Me and Harry are best friends, people look into our every move. It is actually affecting the way me and Harry are in public, We want to joke around but there seems to be a different rumour every time we do anything."

Louis Tomlinson LOUIS AND HARRY SINGING TOGETHER IN 2015 

57) Louis is prone to sleepwalking and once tried to get into Niall’s bed!

58) Louis once said that if a movie was made about his life, he’d like Leonardo DiCaprio to play him.

59) The first time Louis ever spoke to Harry was in the toilet at The X Factor auditions in Manchester.

60) Louis is a big fan of silly string! He’s sprayed it on stage at gigs, press conferences and even at a security guard who refused to let him speak to fans.

61) When he was 14, Louis played lead guitar in a band called The Rogue with his schoolmates.

62) When One Direction formed, Louis’s big ambition was to go "straight to the top." Proof that dreams come true!

63) In August 2012, Tulisa prank called Louis during a live webchat. When Louis answered she spoke to him in a Donald Duck voice in front of thousands of viewers. The N-Dubz star tweeted afterwards, 'soz babe we had 2 get ya! Thanks 4 being a laugh n entertaining us!'

Tulisa ✔ @officialtulisa @Louis_Tomlinson soz babe we had 2 get ya! Thanks 4 being a laugh n entertaining us!

266 8:23 PM - Aug 5, 2012 Twitter Ads info and privacy 579 people are talking about this 64) Louis was fined £80 for speeding on the way to V Festival in 2012. It’s reported that he was going 48mph in a 40mph zone. He’ll also get three points on his licence. Ouch!

65) Despite having smelly feet, Louis is a big fan of shoes! His favourite types are chinos and Toms.

66) Another of his favourite mottos is "live fast, have fun & be a bit mischievous."

67) If Louis was Simon Cowell for the day, he says he’d go on a date with Susan Boyle.

After his successful stint on last year's The X Factor, Louis delighted his fans in March when he dropped his amazing new single 'Two Of Us'.

The song, which is adored by fans, is a tribute to Louis' late mum Johannah Deakin. Johannah left behind seven children, including Louis, at the end of 2016, when she lost her battle with an aggressive form of leukaemia at the age of just 42.

Louis' track 'Two Of Us' features the lyrics, "I know you'll be looking down, swear I'm gonna make you proud. I'll be living one life for the two of us."

The article was followed by a tweet:

[taylorfan90]

   Taylor

           My Names Richie I’m a huge fan have been ever since I saw you for my first time on July 31st 2009(my 19th Birthday) in Boston MA back when you opened for Keith Urban, this August I’ll be attending the Reputation show in Atlanta Night 2 Saturday the 11th, this will be my 14th time seeing you in Concert. I wish I could attend more then one show this tour unfortunately with this tour being stadiums only the closest show to me is Atlanta which is still a 6 hour drive from where I live in Conway SC. You have know idea how excited I am to go, I’m bringing my boyfriend of 4 years with me to his first ever concert(not counting House of Blues shows) I just cant wait to see his eyes when the show starts and how amazing it is to see that many fans screaming and singing along with you. He doesn’t get my love for you but he will after I’m sure.

            August 27th 2010 was the best day of my life, at the time I lived in NH only about and hour drive from where you filmed the music video for Mine, I don’t remember where I heard that you were in town doing something but I decided that day to go to Kennebunkport ME and see what was going on, when I arrived in the town I saw girls driving around blasting your songs with window paint all over there cars so I could tell I wasn’t alone, I later found out that something was going down at the church over looking the ocean after a few hours of waiting we all got invited to be apart of the release of the video on CMT, still the coolest thing ive ever been a part of. i always think  and plan ahead so I had one of your albums and a Sharpie on me just incase I was to run into you, I jokingly said to my friends that if I could get you to sign my arm i’d get it tattooed over lol wouldn’t that be funny, After everything was over you being you, asked if it was okay if you brought your band out and played a few songs for us. While performing Love Story you came down off the stage and across the front row to sing and hug fans as you headed my way I got ready when you got to me I threw my arm out and asked you to sign it handing you my sharpie with the screaming/pushing I’m not sure how you heard me over the other fans, but I felt the sharpie leave my hand and then I felt a swipe across my arm, not even sure how I got the marker back but somehow I did, I pulled my arm back to see your signature on my arm, now this wasn’t a joke I was dead serious about getting this tattooed before it rubbed off in a few days. I think I only had to go a day and a half un-showered before I could get a tattoo artist to come in on his day off and get it done for me. Now to this day anytime I’m upset or my minds in a bad place I simply look down and I see it, that’s when I smile and remember the happiest day of my life. So thank you for that. i year after having it tattooed i added the lyrics from mine “you are the best thing thats ever been Mine” above it.

            I’ll never forget sitting in Art class back in 2008 when the teacher told us we had to draw self portraits, after learning how to do it I went home that night and drew my first portrait of you which took 8 hours, I brought it to school the next day and the teacher was blown away she hung it in the school for a month before I finally begged for it back. That was when I really fell in love with art. Now 10 years later I’ve drawn around 20 pictures of you all different mediums teaching myself new things over the years. In 2015 Simon and Schuster the book company announced a project they had been working on a book for you from the fans. They had a contest for the book cover so of course I made one and entered, I also sent all the pictures on my art, after months of not hearing anything and forgetting about the project I got a random email from the person putting it together regarding the book, he informed me that all though I wasn’t the winner of the contest he really wanted to put a couple of my pictures in the book, I lost my mind, of course I said yes he explained what I had to do and everything, in 2016 I got a letter from them and my own copy of the book thanking me for my part, now let me tell you I’m a strong person and it takes a lot to make me cry but when I got my book and opened it and saw my art I cried like a baby I was so happy to be a part of this project. my mom ordered 10 copies from the book store giving them out and showing it off to everyone she was so proud, If you happen to get a copy of it my pictures are on pages 28(black and white, Pen and ink took me 55 hours because of the size) & 95 (took about 8 hours painted with acrylic paint) this book means a lot to me I wish I had a bigger part but its okay. Still can’t believe what a day in Art Class turned out to be. With less personal time in my life I don’t get to draw/paint as much as I want too but ill never give it up. I see you post pictures you’ve painted and I just dream of the day we can paint together who knows maybe one day.

Really hoping i can finally meet you on this tour @taylorswift @taylornation

i’ll be at your show

Atlanta Night 2, Sat Aug 11th  section FLR-J Row 15 Seats 1-2

-Richie

[365-betterdays]

aug 31, 2022 7:24pm

i'm tired cos i've done a lot this week !! let's assess how things have been!

we're finally done with some exams last and this week whoopie congrats me!! ^^ i actually had mid scores (which is BIG for me honestly!) i passed, so that's amazing! next week we'll have more so yeah.

i may or may not be getting a tutor. that's new to me. do i feel like it'll help? yes. will it be a really good advantage and possibly a turning point of being "mid" to excellent? definitely. we'll see!! it def depends. i can manage now but i also want to ace 'em tests!

i talked to a couple of my classmates and hanged out w them a bit more, it's nice to have em around. i got to know them a bit better this week, than i've known them the past weeks. they're all super kind! my heart feels happy :)

they've invited us to drink this weekend so woahhh!! IDK IF THIS IS A GOOD THING COS I REALLY SAID I WOULD NEVER TOUCH ALCOHOL IN MY LIFE AGAIN!! but then again, i'm still..only.. just 18. i think that's too young to be saying "no" esp that i haven't drank with people i can actually call my friends now D:

i've told someone already about my past illness so yeah. that sucks, but also, i'm proud that i'm now comfy and content enough that i can tell people about it!! and that i'm okay now, no lies included ofc

WE ACED THE FREAKIN BUWAN NG WIKA SHIT!! BROOO legit like i didn't expect us to do so well. gerah and the rest of the choreographers did great teaching us given the limited time we had <3

tomorrow i'll be joining the sack race thing. bro. i will for sure die. but it'll also be fun so tangina bahala na HAHAHAHA

i found some peeps as weird as me (heart is happy)

i finally- FINALLY- got to cabuyao for the first time in like forever. i spent a lot more money than i should have bc nag gala aq pero tangina, worth it yung peace of mind. i'm ready to let all of it goo :)

i noticed that most of my panic attacks & sadness is really bc i think too much- parang when i don't think, that's when i'm the happiest talaga. ig i should just go with the flow and think parin but not too much lang talaga.

i am skinnier now. pero kulang pa talaga!! hay!!! i lost 15kg pero i need 20 moree!! manifesting!! i will workout within the weekend (hopefully) i'll let the week days pass muna cos i still have sum physical activities to attend to *mixed emotions*

slr, wow akala mo may kachat HAHAHA i walk like a lot more na!! april to december 2020 > 427 steps. aug to december 2021 > 1,127 steps. jan to june 2022 > 1,097 steps. july to august > 2,044 steps. PROGRESS BITCH!!

me, rus, thalia and jen ran into the rain today. talk abt feeling ALIVE DHFGKDSFJDJKFW I LOVE THEM SO MUCH THEY MAKE ME HAPPY

i still have to review for exams next week so yeah!! BUT I GOT THIS DONT WORRY!!! aaa pwede nga pala me magpuyat today cos duh 12pm pasok hehehe yay!!

well, that's pretty much all i can say for now. i have a lot honestly but i got lazy na hehe, days have been good! god IS GOOD! thank u, G!

[overlooked-tracks]

5 Uplifting Moments in Latin Music This Week (Aug. 6)

The following article has been posted on August 07, 2022 at 08:21AM:

An Overlooked Tracks News Finding: Here’s an article you might have overlooked. Having a partnership with NewsAPI, we try to catch music entertainment news for you to view, read and possibly enjoy. We will continue to find what’s available in the world of music entertainment, concert information and music releases. But obviously you – the listener and reader are the biggest source for news in your area, so if you can share with us. For right now, look at what we found for you:

“From The Billboard Magazine Website – 5 Uplifting Moments in Latin Music This Week (Aug. 6)”

From career milestones and new music releases to major announcements and more, Billboard editors highlight the latest news buzz in Latin music every week. Here’s what happened in the Latin music world this week.

“Así Es Medellín”

Ahead of Medellín’s Feria de las Flores annual event, set to kick off Aug. 8, artists such as Llane, Blessd and Reykon, among many others, have joined forces to deliver an anthem for this year’s festival. Titled “Así Es Medellín (This Is Medellín),” the artists sing about the beauty of the Colombian city, its culture and its people. “Medellín is the best city on this planet, the city I represent,” Blessd said in a statement. “I’m proud to be from here and to represent the Antioquia flag.”

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New Basketball Court in PR

Cancha Hipódromo in San Juan, Puerto Rico, has been restored and remodeled thanks to efforts by entertainment company NEON16 and its founders, Lex Borrero, Tainy and Pablo Batista, in partnership with Amazon Music. The company also provided new uniforms and shoes to the kids’ basketball team that uses that court. “This is a dream for me,” said Borrero. “To be able to give the community a place where youth can dream and develop a future. Thank you to the mayor, Miguel Romero, and our team at NEON16, Amazon Music and Buena Vibra for making this dream a reality.”

Chayanne & Ivy Queen Join Latin Music Week 

Chayanne and Ivy Queen are confirmed for the 2022 Billboard Latin Music Week, set to take place Sept. 26-30 at the Faena Forum in Miami.

Ivy, known as the Queen of Reggaeton, will open up about her prolific 25-year career, songwriting process, new music, and struggles as one of the only women in a genre dominated by men. Chayanne, one of Latin music’s most successful pop stars who has crooned to fans for nearly four decades with his ballads, will be releasing new music for the first time in more than six years, and speaking in his first interview in over five years.

Both Ivy and Chayanne join the already-announced star-studded lineup that includes Romeo Santos, Camilo, Nicky Jam, Eslabon Armado, Bizarrap, Blessd, Yahritza Y Su Esencia, Luis R. Conriquez, Ovy on the Drums, Kunno and The Rivera Family. More participants will be announced in the weeks leading up to the 2022 Latin Music Week. Registration is now open at BillboardLatinMusicWeek.com.

Guaynaa & Lele Pons Are Engaged

Guaynaa proposed to Lele Pons during Tomorrowland 2022 in front of tens of thousands of fan during Steve Aoki’s set, getting down on one knee and asking his celebrity girlfriend for her hand in marriage.

She didn’t waste any time in saying “yes,” the teary proof of which is captured on video that’s now doing the rounds on social media. “Happiest day of my life,” she wrote on Instagram. The Latin power pair made their union official in December 2020, via Instagram. See a timeline of their relationship here.

Karol G’s New Hair

After publicly announcing July 31 she was going to ditch her blue-haired era, Karol G revealed her new hair color on Monday (Aug. 1). Marking new beginnings in her personal and professional life, the “Provenza” singer unveiled her cherry-red locks on Instagram. “Two weeks of being in love with myself in the mirror and not being able to share it,” she expressed in the post. “So when you see me in the streets and say, ‘EaAaaa Maria BebEee that red hair looks gorgeous on you.’”

Read More Music Headllines

and can be found on the Overlooked Tracks website: https://bit.ly/3A317XT. Check out more music news from Overlooked Tracks! Latin Music, Music Headline News, Charts, Latin

[leglesstv]

Hi Steen

Here is what I wrote tonight as I was thinking of the trip I start on the 3rd of July on the 30-year anniversary of my most epic 6 weeks in the Jungle at G-land in July Aug 1988.... This is a big deal for me and after what I consider one of the best surfing years of my life I figured I would write it down as I Hope that KB riders can realize that we age a little differently than the Standard surfer especially if they use fins ......

 Seems that the majority of Kneeboarders around the world are getting older usually in their 50's and 60's. We came from the original tube riding craze that surfing in the 60's and early 70's did not allow standard surfers to ride due to limitations in board designs. Kneeboarding filled a niche and often was done at places that surfers could not ride well. From that point things get complicated but from my experience in Hawaii it was a niche spot that seems now to be filled with mostly bodyboarders.

 I always liked the comfort of having swim fins on in the water in waves of consequences. I freely admit it every time a surfer says that its unfair or I’m lucky I got fins, or I would be screwed or wouldn't have made the wave. Well I just say it's a choice and as I get older at 59, I say it's an excellent choice because I think that I ride waves different then I did when I was younger, but I ride just as well if not better...if nothing else it seems much more fun because I have that 45 years of ocean knowledge behind me. How many Standard surfer can say that?

 As in adult I started working restaurant jobs at night to surf all day. After a couple hurricanes came thru and changed our lives forever on Kauai. it made many of us surfers into construction workers. For me it was more about surfing and day work off the ocean was just not going to work so I bought a boat and became a fisherman. On several surf trips to Jeffery's bay in the 80's I got into plants called cycads and started a nursery growing the ancient plants. that was 30 years ago now and what seemed constant was my love for the ocean and surfing every swell I could.

 I learned to read the surf and enjoyed surfing big waves by myself far from people. For me I was never a competitor but more a collaborator.

What set me up most for success in my surfing was the collaboration between myself and my shaper Alan "Buddy" McCray. We met thru my brother from Oahu who brought him over to visit. He lived at Sunset beach on Oahu and in 1983 I was riding twin fin fishes. He had been developing four fin fishes with a pad on top for comfort for about four years. At first, I didn't like them as they seemed to track, and the pads were too soft and felt like reaction time was compromised. We became fast friends and he kept putting new boards in my hands a little different setups and harder pads he was getting. He kept coming over to surf Kauai and he learned how I surfed and what I liked.  From 35 years of working together I can say that my boards got better Though some were things I didn't care for like channels or flatter bottom rockers, but you often must go thru that to get to where your happiest. The boards are by far the best and few things change except when I need a specific board for a specific type of wave. Because of all that I can say that I like the way I ride now better than I did 30 years ago.

 Kneeboarders I think can relate because we always thought outside the box and I know we influenced the surfing world by the way we ride whether surfers will admit it is another story all together. We were riding fish twins and four fins successfully long before others and because of that we have an advantage that most don't have. I feel Buddy has perfected my boards.

 So here is where my story comes into the present more. My kids grew up and my house got paid, divorce happened and I'm alone, free and some funds to surf on. What’s a guy to do with this set of circumstances? Obviously traveling to surf perfect waves seems like an excellent choice as the waves in Hawaii the last three years have been less then epic seasons to season, making this easier to decide to go away for a while. It started with a few strike missions last summer after seeing few if any good days on Kauai as winter left us with three of the best West swells in years in late March, early April.

 One of the problems of getting older is being plagued by injuries from these big days especially when it’s not good every week like past years.

So, I got injured on my first trip to Kandui in May from a board to the rib cage. After a month in recovery I went back to G-land which was the first time in 29 years. I always remember the months I spent in that jungle and the friends I made in the 80's some I saw on my trip back. I felt the need to finish my Kandui trip that I thought was less then what I was capable of. So off I went and though it was not the stellar G-land as far as epic conditions the size was great and big, It left me feeling like I could still ride like the old days. Buddy made me a bit narrower board and gave me the thinness to get the flex I liked.  I just thought I had broken the code on what I liked with that board.

 For myself it's not about crazy modern designs but subtle nuances that take you to another level when you’re working closely with your shaper and Buddy is no ordinary shaper. He is an artist of the highest degree and he has worked so long and wrote it all down to the point that he knows what I like better then myself, so I can just tell him how it rode and what I want it to do more of and he can correct or advance the design to perfection.

 After that Board went like a Swiss watch I decided to keep training thru the winter but when the winter turned to crap, I went on a few more missions to Samoa and back to G-land in April for the first big stuff of the season and it was magic. Buddy made me another board a little bigger as I wanted to draw longer lines this time and it was one of the best feelings ever to be in such a perfect place with the perfect board and feel I could do it as well as I ever had. That was a special feeling in surfing.

 What I have found is there are two major factors holding us back as we get older. One is getting out in the surf and the other is staying out. Both take conditioning and a bit of mental confidence. Staying out is often the hard part physically while the getting out is a mental game of trying to relax and know that you can take whatever the ocean drills you with.

 Now it's time to relive my past as I realize that this is a very special gift that I have been given. I’m lucky that all the work and sacrifices over 45 years has allowed me one big swan song doing it with pure love of the sport. Nobody to prove anything to nobody to put before myself. So now it's the ultimate me time and I am taking it on the road back to Indonesia and then on to South Africa on a one-way ticket and hoping the body holds up long enough to finish strong. Hence the one-way ticket.

 Where I go from there is anyone’s guess and how I feel about this gift at the end of this trip is the unknown, but I will have lots of time to think about it and decide the next chapter in what I can only say is a life worth living. How lucky we are to be kneeboarders and able to still get what makes us feel free and happy. I say get it while you can because it can’t last forever.....

Greg Holzman Kauai June 2018

[rin-recovery]

1 year clean and sober Chair (7/7/21)

I’m Katherine A grateful dual diagnosed Alcoholic. (Pause)

What it was like: I was born into a quiet dysfunctional family. I was placed in foster care when I was 2ish because of this. When we (my older sister and I) were placed back with our mom we moved across the U.S. from Massachusetts to Vancouver Washington because we had family here and I had what I thought was a normal up bringing, on the outside it looked like a normal low-income family, but my mom was very much present and involved in my education unlike most of the other kid’s parents who I hung out with. However, behind closed doors my family was falling apart. My grandpa who I looked at like a father was an alcoholic, would always have a beer in hand while driving to pick us up from school, my dad did not enter my life until after I was 6 or 7 years old and what I thought was normal discipline was not, long story short my childhood left my brain literally broken. As young as 5th grade I wanted to die and could not explain why that was always a thought. The school and one of my friends thought it was because my great grandpa who I was very close with had died that year, but I knew it was not the only reason. Starting at a young age my parents attempted to try and help us make good choices around alcohol. My parents train of thought was if they allowed drinking in the house, we would not go behind their backs and party, and for the most part it worked. So, I started drinking small amounts of alcohol around the age of 8. In middle school I started hanging around the wrong crowd and by high school I was a mess. My drinking progressed from small amounts to large very quickly during that time. My mental health was so bad that I missed a month of school in 10thgrade due to a suicide attempt. I was self-harming, drinking, running away and overdosing on Benadryl and over the counter sleep aid regularly that my mom finally told one of my teachers after he called about me crying and walking out of my 11th grade English class that if I was going to kill myself nothing anyone did for me was going to stop me. 12th grade I barely was able to graduate due to the amount of school I was skipping and if it were not for my English teacher staying after school to help me with my math, I would not have graduated at all. When my best friend died in an ATV accident the summer after we graduated, I lost the will to live and again ended up in the hospital for a week over a suicide attempt and had to drop out of college because I could not get the work done, I lost 2 scholarship because of it and would eventually lose financial aid due to 2 more dropouts due to my mental health. At the age of 20 I got married to someone I thought loved me for me, but I found out in a short period of time how wrong I was about him; however, it was too late to walk away, and no one intervened due to him looking and acting mentally sound and me being bat shit crazy on the outside but behind closed doors it was a different story. My drinking and wanting to die only grew worse because I was hating my life and could never do anything right by my then husband. The only time I was mostly sober was when I was pregnant, but I was still regularly self-harming during that time. I was a closet alcoholic and tried to control it around my 2 boys who I try to keep living for as well. 7 years of marriage full of domestic violence and a lot of other not so great things ended with him walking out the door 3 days after Christmas of 2017 with the threat that if I tried to get a divorce, he would make my life a living hell by taking the boys away and never letting me see them again. My drinking, self-harming and overdosing went off the chart because of the fear of my ex and I was going to the hospital or my current boyfriend was having to come out and find me at bus stops or walking around trying to either get picked up by random people or get to the I5 bridge to jump off of (this all happened after my kids were in bed and asleep and my mom was home) all while trying to get and hold down a job while also trying to take care of my 2 special needs boys during the day time. About 2

years ago I was diagnosed with D.I.D. (Dissociative identity disorder) so literally my brain is broken into about 46 known pieces as of right now. Life started making more sense however it fixed nothing. It only explained why I have little to no memory of growing up or anything that was or is overly stressful. My boyfriend was having his own problems with bad med management, so I helped him while pretending/not caring about my own drinking and using. He got better as I kept getting worse. I finally got a job doing peer support which I had been wanting to do for 4 years and was certified to do and started working in a treatment center. Long story short I started to feel like a fraud at work every day. I was telling the ladies how to better their lives and I was losing it every time I was not at work. So, after talking with my counselor, he referred me to a SUD program, and I went. I told my SUD counselor flat out that I would not go to any groups because of the work that I did, I just wanted vivitrol to control the urges that at this point were out of control. No A.A. for me because I did not want to run into people who might know me from work. Well, that did not work out so well. I relapsed July 5th. My SUD counselor told me to go to A.A. so I did. I found the only in person meeting at the time, which was here, and I made an effort to get to as many meetings as time would allow. I let fear stop me from asking anyone to be my sponsor (1 because there were not many women at the meetings I was going to because RBR had just reopened their noon meetings due to the shutdown and 2 I feared that my mental health was too bad for anyone to handle) I was sober because I held onto the message NO MATTER FUCKING WHAT WE DON’T DRINK or USE! My job changed from the treatment center to the crisis center and just being sober was taking a toll. The fighting between my boyfriend and I was at an all-time high and I was slowly getting to the point that either I needed to be dead or I would drink again so on Aug. 17th after a week filled with 2 suicide attempts and my first week working graveyard at the crisis center I went to the 7pm meeting, filled my heart with all the hope it could hold, went home and told my kids that I loved them, tucked them into bed, packed a bag and had my boyfriend take me to the psych hospital. On the drive I text a few women in this room to say where I was going and that when I got out, I would get a sponsor because every message I heard said get a sponsor and work the steps to get better and I really wanted to get better. A week later I got out of the hospital no longer wanting to die or drink. I prayed really hard to a Man that I struggled to talk to or believe in to point out a woman who could handle ALL of me, already kind of knowing the woman He had picked out because she had taken me to her church once and had called me out at a meeting for not having a sponsor yet. So, on Sep. 9th after 62 days clean and sober and 39 meetings I asked Danira to be our sponsor and she said yes. Well first I texted her on the 8th and asked because I had no idea how it worked and Danira also intimidated us, we talked on the 9th and then she said yes. I would love to tell you all that my life got better however that would be a lie. With 46 known alter/personalities and a large majority not wanting recovery this process has been really difficult but also very rewarding. From September to the end of October I was making progress in leaps and bounds but then we got covid and everything stopped in November. I could not get my vivitrol shot and I could not go to an in-person meeting. My brain stopped working, it reverted to survival. I held onto NO MATTER WHAT to try to make day to day work for us to not relapse. We stopped picking up the phone and started staying up late hours not moving so we did not do something stupid. We still were able to do our gratitude daily and were grateful for waking up without a relapse each and every day. I do not remember much from November to January besides, we kept saying WE DON’T DRINK OR USE NO

MATTER WHAT. We finally were able to get back to the meetings regularly and while no we do not talk a lot due to our brain not being able to hold coherent thoughts most of the time, we are still in the meeting. Standing to get our 6th and 9th month coins was one of the happiest moments in our life. Working the steps have been hard but we keep pushing through. Danira has not given up on us yet and we try to push ourselves to make her, my kids and boyfriend proud.

NO MATTER WHAT looks like when my youngest is losing it by screaming in our face or hurting me physically we do not get the damn bottle because it will not fix anything (despite what some think in our head). My kids have already been through so much of me being selfish with my drinking and rampage problems. They need their mom to get out of self and learn to be a better parent for them. NO MATTER WHAT looks like when I cannot sleep, or I am suffering from high physical pain I don’t get weed or pills to numb it all because it is a short fix that will make all the hard work, we put in all for nothing. We do not have another relapse or recovery in us, if we went out, we would never come back and that is not an option just ask Danira, I tried once it ended with her at my front door with backup. NO MATTER WHAT looks like when two of my sponsee sisters and sponsor shows up at my house after a night of crisis that I follow my sponsor’s directions to go back to the hospital to stay safe and come back to my baseline even when I do not want to because she will not gamble with our lives or my boys’ lives. Side note: because of God leading me to Danira and Danira never giving up on us and because I was able to mostly follow her direction to go back into the psych hospital again, not that I was given much of a choice in the matter, we now have a counselor that knows what they are talking about and is able to help us move forward in our recovery in both the mental and addiction aspects. NO MATTER WHAT is a statement I only knew in a bad way. I would say NO MATTER WHAT I was going to be dead by the time I was 16, 18, 20, 25,30 years old now I say NO MATTER WHAT we are going to keep going and keep fighting this fight because I have 2 little boys that need me. NO MATTER WHAT my ex does to me NO MATTER WHAT anyone does to me we do not need to drink or use to fix it despite what the others might think in the head.

So, to the newcomer I want to leave you with this message NO MATTER WHAT it takes it is a one day, one moment at a time program and it is spiritual progress not perfection, it is a “we” program not an “I” program and these men and women will stand with you to fight this disease as long as you let them in.

WE DON’T DRINK OR USE NO MATTER FUCKING WHAT!!

Thank you.

[your-dietician]

Postpartum depression on the rise, especially for women of color, during COVID-19 pandemic

New Post has been published on https://depression-md.com/postpartum-depression-on-the-rise-especially-for-women-of-color-during-covid-19-pandemic/

Postpartum depression on the rise, especially for women of color, during COVID-19 pandemic

Los Angeles — When Altagracia Mejía learned she was going to be a mother, happiness flooded her heart.

She picked out a crib. She took photos of her growing belly and redecorated her bedroom. She held a gender-reveal party on Zoom.

But her bliss didn’t last long.

Perplexing feelings of anxiety and doubts that she ever could be a fit mother for her baby crept into her head during pregnancy while living in her small one-bedroom apartment. And while the Panorama City resident tried to brush away her uneasiness, those feelings seized her again after she gave birth to her daughter, Alexa, in the middle of the pandemic, on Sept. 8, 2020.

By the time Mejía’s daughter was around 2 months old, the 26-year-old mother’s episodes of anxiety and irritability had darkened into thoughts of suicide.

“In my most lucid moments, I ask myself over and over again what is happening to me,” said Mejía, who immigrated to the United States from El Salvador four years ago in hopes of putting the poverty and violence of her homeland behind her. “I am supposed to be happy, resplendent and full of energy, but nothing is as they paint it on television or social networks.

“For society, especially for Latinos,” she continued, “it is unforgivable for a woman to feel sad or have thoughts of death at this moment that is supposed to be the happiest of her life.”

Mejía suffers from postpartum depression, a severe form of clinical depression related to pregnancy and childbirth. Symptoms include severe mood swings and deep despondency as well as impulses that can impel a mother to harm herself or her child.

Last week, Sandra Chico, the 28-year-old mother of three children found dead in an East Los Angeles home, was arrested on suspicion of murder and is being held on $2-million bail,  L.A. County Sheriff’s Department officials said Tuesday.

In an interview with the Times, Elizabeth Chico said her younger sister had exhibited symptoms of postpartum depression following the birth of her youngest child about a month ago. “All that stress, all that anxiety, it takes over you,” she said.

Although the California Department of Public Health has not released figures on the number of women with postpartum depression since 2018, experts say that an increase in calls from women asking for help from local nonprofit organizations, along with lengthening hospital waiting lists, indicate that postpartum depression cases may have increased dramatically over the course of the COVID-19 pandemic.

Women of color continue to be among the most affected, in part because many do not have health insurance or their insurance covers little or no therapy, said Misty Richards, one of the directors of the Maternal Outpatient Mental Health Services program at UCLA. Evidence suggests that some Latina mothers may hesitate to seek help because of stigmas associated with mental illness, as well as cultural expectations surrounding motherhood and the traditional roles of women in Latin societies.

In addition, many of those afflicted are not being screened for postpartum depression, despite California’s maternal mental health bill, AB 2193, which went into effect on July 1, 2019, and requires that obstetricians and gynecologists screen mothers for these conditions during and after pregnancy and ensure that they get any needed treatment.

The most recent available CDPH statistics, from 2018, indicated that 1 in 5 California women suffered from postpartum depression during or after giving birth, which translated to 100,000 cases a year. The report also states that: “Black and Latina women experience the highest percentage of depressive symptoms of all racial/ethnic groups during both the prenatal and postpartum periods.”

According to the CDPH: “Disparities are particularly evident for prenatal symptoms of depression, which are twice as common for Black (19.9%) and Latina (17.1%) women compared to white (9.5%) and Asian/Pacific Islander (10.3%) women.”

Richards, of the UCLA clinic, said that she has seen a 30% increase in postpartum depression cases since the pandemic started. She expressed particular concern for low-income women of color who are disappearing into the cracks of an inaccessible healthcare system.

She estimates that she sees 15 women a week, or about 700 cases a year. If the clinic is full, as has been the case since the beginning of the pandemic, she refers mothers to other affordable clinics and nonprofit organizations.

“A single 90-minute visit to the reproductive psychiatrist in California costs $500 to $800 if you don’t have health insurance,” said Richards, who currently has a 15-day waiting list for treating patients. “That money cannot be paid by a low-income person.”

Responding to the pandemic, the California Department of Health Care Services  implemented a Provisional Postpartum Care Extension programon Aug. 1, 2020, that allows Medi-Cal eligible mothers who are diagnosed with a maternal mental health condition to remain eligible for assistance for up to one year after giving birth — 10 months longer than the normal 60-day period of post-pregnancy care.

However, in order to get help, mothers must be diagnosed with postpartum depression, and many health experts are not even aware of the existence of the program, which will expire Dec. 31.

Medi-Cal, the service that pays for more than 50% of all births in California, would have covered mental aid assistance for Mejía, but her condition was never detected, she said.

“In my clinic, I filled out forms about how I felt, and even though they knew I had depression, they never gave me a positive diagnosis even after giving birth,” she said.

While trying to navigate the labyrinthine U.S. medical system, Mejía felt isolated from friends and family. Fear of catching COVID-19, and shame over what she felt were her failures as a mother, kept her from seeking out others for comfort and support.

“Since I came to this country four years ago, I have worked as a babysitter,” she said. “It was not possible to share that I could take care of other children, and not even be able to breastfeed my own daughter.”

Because she couldn’t afford a private specialist, Mejía, along with her husband of three years, Walberto Gochez, a maintenance worker, and her father, Marco Antonio Mejía, had to seek help on their own from Maternal Mental Health Now, a nonprofit that advocates for screening and treatment of prenatal and postpartum depression in Los Angeles County.

Eynav Accortt, a clinical psychologist at Cedars-Sinai Hospital, who treats women with anxiety and depression during pregnancy and postpartum (known as perinatal mood and anxiety disorders), said the pandemic has added a layer of complexity and isolation that could substantially increase rates of such cases.

“Women have been under more stress from the pandemic,” she said. “They fear getting sick or their babies getting sick, they can’t have home visits and this adds to the worries of the day, even if they aren’t low-income.”

According to Accortt, the Cedars-Sinai Reproductive Psychology Clinic received twice as many calls from women seeking help between January and April of this year, as it did during the entire previous year.

“About 11 patients who could have seen me for individual therapy, because I am in the network with their insurance company, were referred to other community providers, many of whom were already full,” she said. “Right now, I have a three-week waiting list for a client to start individual therapy with me.”

In 2020, about 6,500 women were screened for postpartum depression at Cedars-Sinai, and 300 to 500 who were at risk for perinatal mood and anxiety disorders were referred to local organizations for help. In addition, 150 other women obtained direct services such as individual therapy or support group aid from the Cedars-Sinai Reproductive Psychology Clinic.

Alondra Espinoza, 36, of East Los Angeles, is among those women whose postpartum depression was exacerbated by the pandemic. She was shocked after learning she was pregnant for the third time, in 2019, while raising her daughter, Jocelyn, now 15, and son, Isaiah, 11.

“During my pregnancy, I didn’t want people to see me, I thought I was too old to start caring for a baby again,” she said. “I started crying all the time and feeling irritated at the same time. As the months went by, I started to feel lonely, frustrated and desperate about what my future was going to be like. “

In January 2020, three months before giving birth, she had to stop working as a teacher’s assistant because she suffers from sciatica.

In April 2020, Espinoza gave birth to Lexi, and by June, postpartum depression hit her harder when she learned that her husband, Jezreel, a building demolition worker, would have to return to work out of state.

“During the pandemic I couldn’t go out, I was afraid that we would catch [the coronavirus] and I didn’t know who to turn to,” Espinoza said.

“My girl cried all the time, and I felt useless next to her,” she continued. “I felt like she was freaking out. … I wanted to get out of the house and run aimlessly, I wanted to disappear.”

Like Mejía, Espinoza said, she was never diagnosed with postpartum depression despite filling out several forms at Garfield Medical Center in Monterey Park, where she gave birth.

“It took me about two months after giving birth to seek help on my own because I thought that asking for assistance was wrong,” she said. “I believed that people would think that I am not a good mother and then social services would take away my children.”

An employee of Garfield Medical Center, who did not want to be identified, said that since November 2019, the center has been screening all mothers before they return home with their newborns. “And if they screen high risk for postpartum depression, a social worker refers them to different resources,” the employee said.

Regarding Espinoza’s case, the employee said that there might have been a communication issue or “most likely she did not meet the criteria for high-risk postpartum.”

“We only see the mothers for a short period of time, about four days, after the delivery,” the employee said. “If they do not speak to us, we cannot catch them, we do not have a chance to help.”

Emily C. Dossett, clinical assistant professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at USC’s Keck School of Medicine, maintains that even though screening women for postpartum depression is now encoded in state law, “there is still a lack of resources available to do so, which puts doctors in a bad situation.”

“If health experts are not aware of the postpartum screening laws or the [Provisional Postpartum Care Extension] law, and if there are not enough staff to refer women or therapists, there will always be mothers who will disappear into the cracks without any treatment,” said Dossett, who since the pandemic began has seen a 25% increase in referrals from mothers in need of therapy.

“Postpartum depression can occur shortly after delivery or even up to a year later,” Dossett continued. “That’s why we need more affordable support services because in my experience I believe that 80% of women with postpartum depression can be treated with therapies.”

Norwalk resident Adriana Rangel did not have postpartum depression until two months after giving birth to Ivana on Nov. 13, 2020.

“As if there was a switch in my brain, suddenly I began to feel sad, exhausted, I did not want to eat, I did not even want to take off my pajamas,” said Rangel, 31. “I was no longer the talkative, cheerful and outgoing woman that people knew.”

When her mother died of COVID-19 in February, Rangel plunged further into depression and feared getting sick or making her daughter sick.

She subsequently was able to get help for her condition. She has private health insurance and pays $25 out of pocket for each weekly appointment to see a psychologist at Providence St. Joseph Hospital.

Mike Sherbun, executive director of the Providence Mental Health Clinical Institute, which is made up of 11 hospitals in Orange and Los Angeles counties, said that cases of postpartum depression have risen as much as 25% during the pandemic. He fears those figures are undercounted and may keep rising because they don’t include women who don’t seek help.

“These increases are just the tip of a mental health crisis in California,” he said. “So our institute is in the process of opening more outpatient programs that can assist mothers with postpartum depression in Torrance and Tarzana.”

Sherbun stressed that more laws are needed in California to cover all mothers, while current laws need to be enforced.

In the case of E.R., who asked not to disclose her full name, her OB/GYN did not tell her that she suffered from depression during pregnancy or after delivery until she, too, sought help on her own, she said. The Los Angeles resident, who gave birth in January, began to suffer from anxiety almost three months after her pregnancy began.

“I worked as a mental health case manager and even though I was scared of getting sick with COVID-19, I didn’t want to stop working,” E.R. said. “I heard from so many people who lost their jobs and couldn’t pay their rent and didn’t want to be in that situation. At the same time, I began to be scared by my future, the safety and stability of the baby, so I decided to work until the very moment I gave birth.

“I think working helped me a little bit not to think about depression and anxiety. However, once I had my baby, my mental health declined faster. I cried all the time. I fought with my husband.

“Part of my depression was also due to being isolated from my family and close friends. I come from a Latino family where we celebrate everything, and this time we couldn’t because of the pandemic.”

In the moments when she couldn’t sleep, thoughts of ending her own life, or her child’s, closed in on her.

“I thought that if she was dead, things would be better,” she said. “What happens if I throw myself into a car or throw myself off a building?”

E.R. didn’t confide in her family for fear that they would think she was crazy or that they would take her baby from her.

“In my family, with a mother from Mexico and a father from El Salvador, it is not normal for a mother to feel this way, or you just solve it yourself or you approach the priest to give you advice,” she said.

E. R. asked her husband to accompany her to therapy groups, but he refused, wary of the stigma around mental health issues.

“Fortunately, he understands that I need help and has become more patient,” E.R. said. “He also takes the baby with him when I have felt like I want a break. Having him on my side has helped me a lot.”

Gabrielle Kaufman, clinical director of Maternal Mental Health Now, an organization that helps women with postpartum depression and advocates creating laws that benefit them, said there is still a lot to do at the state level.

“A couple of laws have been passed in the last three years to help this sector, but the pandemic has once again stalled us,” she said. “If as health experts we do not follow current laws and do not advocate for more laws that protect mothers, we will have a mental health crisis that is going to leave a dent in the future.”

Assemblyman Brian Maienschein (D-San Diego), the creator of the law to screen women for postpartum depression, acknowledges that new mothers need to be more aware of their rights .

“We want to remind [mothers] that experts should do postpartum screenings, and that they can ask for them if their providers don’t,” Maienschein said.

He added that “there is also a supplier problem. So a new law that I introduced to the Legislature in February will expand that group. After the diagnosis comes the next step, directing the mothers to the expert for treatment.”

AB 935, the Mothers and Children Mental Health Support Act, would provide the consultation service through telehealth from private insurers and managed care organizations such as Medi-Cal to close gaps when there is a shortage of providers.

However, the bill will not be discussed until 2022.

For now, Mejía and Espinoza attend Maternal Mental Health Now groups. Rangel  sees a psychologist at St. Joseph Heritage Hospital every week through her private health insurance. E. R. gets help in free therapy groups at Downtown Women’s Center in Los Angeles.

“No mother has to suffer from postpartum depression alone,” Mejía said. “Families must support their mothers so that there are no suicides, and in worse cases, even homicides. This mood disorder is real.”

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Infection rates. Drive-thru testing centers. Hospitalizations, ventilators and intensive-care units. It’s a very different sort of holiday season for Southern California.

Welcome to the pandemic Thanksgiving. This is the year our leaders asked us not to travel, dine away from home or gather in big groups — essentially, Thanksgiving’s tentpoles. So for many, that seat at the table for a beloved mom, a treasured uncle, a lifelong friend, a revered grandma … is empty this year.

The months-long coronavirus outbreak is surging anew, taking dozens more lives every day from San Bernardino to Pacoima to Pasadena, from Riverside to Orange County to the South Bay.

And still…

“We don’t have a lot of extra stuff, but I can’t think of anything we really need. I have so much to be grateful for.”

That’s the voice of Tanya Doby, 41, a business owner and the first Black city council member in Los Alamitos.

Amid the tragedy and the turbulence, Doby is deeply grateful.

She’s not alone.

She’s one of many folks we spoke to who reminded us that even amid a year steeped in disrupted traditions and heartbreaking headlines, there is still reason for gratitude. And hope.

“On Monday, I drove by a food bank in Anaheim with a long line of cars,” she said. “It occurred to me, I don’t have to be in one of those lines. I have food and clean water. My children are healthy, my husband is well.”

Los Alamitos City Councilwoman Tanya Doby poses for a photo at Laurel Park in Los Alamitos on Wednesday, August 26, 2020..(Photo by Kyusung Gong/Contributing Photographer)

Amen to that.

Others will mark the day having lost much this year, and yet, still are finding fortitude to push through. And many found ways to help those who weren’t so fortunate.

Twelve days in May

Julian Ramirez, 63, stares out at his yard. He and wife, Saramaria, planted and nurtured that mango tree.

It’s a symbol of a robust life the El Salvadorian L.A. couple lived. He proudly holds up a picture of Saramaria. Wide smile, lots of teeth. Lots of love.

  Julian Ramirez shares a picture of him and his wife Saramaria in his Arleta home on Friday, November 20, 2020. Saramaria, 36, died of COVID-19 after catching the virus at the convalescent home where she worked as a nurse said Ramirez. (Photo by Sarah Reingewirtz, Los Angeles Daily News/SCNG)

The two met in El Salvador in the 2000s, but by then Julian, much her elder, had already long been settled in Arleta. So he helped her get a visa to come to the U.S. She arrived in 2005, and they would soon marry. They had a son, also named Julian. He’s 10.

It wouldn’t be long before Saramaria would earn her nursing degree, studying at L.A. Mission and L.A. Valley colleges in the San Fernando Valley, Julian said, adding it was the culmination of a life devoted to helping people.

Then, devastating news in 2018: Cancer.

“When we heard that.. believe me, everything just fell apart,” Ramirez said. “Not economically.. but in spirit everything just fell apart. We knew that it was an uphill fight.”

Julian Ramirez thinks of his wife at the mango tree he surprised her with in the garden she nurtured at their Arleta home on Friday, November 20, 2020. Saramaria, 36, died of COVID-19 after catching the virus at the convalescent home where she worked as a nurse said Ramirez. (Photo by Sarah Reingewirtz, Los Angeles Daily News/SCNG)

She battled hard. She continued her work as a nurse, still wanting to help people. Who was Ramirez to stop her from her mission, he asked.

But by May 2020, the pain in her back grew too severe. She’d see  doctor, who ultimately diagnosed her with the coronavirus.

Saramaria, 36, never came back home — back to “la casita.”

In 12 days she was gone, leaving lasting memories of Facetime connections with a mom, a sister, a wife, a son and a husband she could not see in person.

Ten-year-old Julian Amani Ramirez holds a picture of his mother Saramaria and her wedding rings with his father Julian in their Arleta home on Friday, November 20, 2020. Saramaria, 36, died of COVID-19 after catching the virus at the convalescent home where she worked as a nurse said Ramirez. (Photo by Sarah Reingewirtz, Los Angeles Daily News/SCNG)

Much of her family — Julian’s father-in-law, mother-in-law, his brother-in-law, lives with Julian now — as they raise his 10-year-old together.

As Thanksgiving arrives, the memories of the year are still raw. But he said he finds strength to be thankful that his family has health and offers thanks to a country that has enabled him to have a life to provide for a family.

He continued his gaze at the mango tree, with a few tears, and the flowers the couple planted around it.

“Everything reminds me of her,” he said, remembering the best of times.

“Many times, I felt like I am feeling like the happiest man in the whole world, from my head to my toes,” he added.

“I breathed it in.”

‘A harder Thanksgiving’

Long Beach Mayor Robert Garcia will hunker down on the holiday, at home with his husband.

“…Just the two of us,” he said.

Mayor Robert Garcia (Photo by Jeff Gritchen, Orange County Register/SCNG)

But it will be unlike any previous holiday for the 42-year-old mayor, now in his second term.

Garcia’s mother and father-in-law died from COVID-19.

  Greg and Gabriella O’Donnell Long Beach Mayor Robert Garcia’s stepfather, Greg O’Donnell died from coronavirus complications — two weeks after the mayor’s mother passed away. (Courtesy of Mayor Robert Garcia)

The mayor’s mother, Gabriella O’Donnell, who immigrated with Garcia from Peru when he was 5 years old, died July 26. She was 61 years old. Then, Greg O’Donnell, 58, her husband, died on Sunday, Aug. 9, one day after Gabriella’s memorial service.

The death of the Whittier couple came at at time when Garcia himself was — and still is — working around the clock to lead the city of more than 460,000 people through the pandemic.

As Thanksgiving arrives, he’s got both things on his mind.

Mayor Robert Garcia outside city hall in Long Beach, CA, on Thursday, Sept., 10, 2020. Garcia lost his mother and stepfather to COVID-19.(Photo by Jeff Gritchen, Orange County Register/SCNG)

“This is going to be a harder Thanksgiving for me, and quite frankly a lot of families across the country, who will be experiencing their first Thanksgiving, or their first Christmas, without members of their family — and for me, for my mom and my step dad,” he said this Monday. “I am still thankful that I have other members of my family who are healthy and alive.”

He hoped everyone would just try to stay safe, stay home this year for the holiday, as the surge threatens to put more stress on the region’s hospitals.

“I’m still thankful for all the blessings we still have in our life, and hopeful that there is light at the end of the tunnel,.” he said. “If we can just continue to sacrifice and keep each other safe, early next year in January we are going to start seeing people getting access to the vaccine… .”

‘Courageous dialogue’

The pandemic and the protests against racial injustice have exposed not just racial inequities, but also the fact that the country has a long way to go when it comes to battling systemic racism, said Pastor Samuel Casey, senior pastor of New Life Christian Church in Fontana and executive director of Congregations Organized for Prophetic Engagement.

Rev. Sam Casey, Executive Director of Congregations Organized for Prophetic Engagement, at his home in Fontana on Tuesday, July 14, 2020. (Photo by Watchara Phomicinda, The Press-Enterprise/SCNG)

“I’m thankful that even though we have some rough seasons this year, things are getting better, and we had the opportunity to fight for justice in new ways,” he said. “Through Black people and other people of color, it has been brought to national and global attention that America still has work to do.”

This has also been a year of reconciliation, which despite widespread division and polarization, has been taking place in pockets in communities across the country, Casey said.

“It has opened up courageous dialogue,” he said. “Proximity does breed empathy. And this year has really brought us together whether we wanted to be together or not.”

A new life

It was Sept. 9, and the time had come. After months in and out of the hospital, Janet Udomratsak was ready to give birth.

It had been a rocky road.

Janet Udomratsak with her family, James, 2 months, husband, Chris and Henry, 5 in Sylmar, CA November 25, 2020. James was born in September after a harrowing pregnancy that included complications. The family will celebrate Thanksgiving her parents and siblings who are in thier “bubble” with time. (Photo by David Crane, Los Angeles Daily News/SCNG)

Pregnancy complications landed her in the hospital throughout the year. Not only was her pregnancy at risk, but so was the beginning of the school year for a Sylmar woman who’s been in the business of teaching for 11 years.

Up until three days before the delivery date, during a 10-week stay, she was teaching her elementary-schoolers from the confines of her hospital room at Providence Holy Cross in Mission Hills.

But things got extra complicated at birth. Bleeding in her uterus during the planned caesarean section turned an expected 30-minute delivery into an hours-long surgery that involved tense moments, concern, multiple blood transfusions and the ultimate removal of her uterus.

Even for Udomratsak — long braced for the unexpected after such a difficult year — the tension was clear as the pre-delivery banter and anticipation turned to serious silence.

She was forced to make a life-changing decision in the matter of moments. But what mattered most was making sure the her baby was born.

Janet Udomratsak with James, 2 months. James was born in September after a harrowing pregnancy that included complications. The family will celebrate Thanksgiving her parents and siblings who are in thier “bubble” with time. (Photo by David Crane, Los Angeles Daily News/SCNG)

Meet James — all 3 pounds, 11 ounces and 16 inches of him at birth.

“When he came out, I was in shock,” she said. “I was like wow, he’s here. He came out, kicking and crying when he came out. The whole room was in tears. They knew the struggle. They were with me from day 1.”

This Thanksgiving, the family will be together — little James, mom, dad Chris, and Henry, 5, who loves bringing toys to show his little brother.

“Knowing it could have been worse, it makes me that much more thankful, I am more aware of everything now. I want to enjoy my time with everybody,” she said.

“And, with that, I also want to take care of myself so I can be around for everyone.”

Staff writers Deepa Bharath, Susan Goulding, Martin Wisckol and Steve Scauzillo contributed to this story.

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-on November 25, 2020 at 05:00AM by Ryan Carter

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LEADING OFF: Cubs lose their closer, Indians try to clinch

New Post has been published on https://www.stl.news/leading-off-cubs-lose-their-closer-indians-try-to-clinch/170451/

LEADING OFF: Cubs lose their closer, Indians try to clinch

A look at what’s happening around the majors today:

PEN PALS The Cubs will try a closer-by-committee approach down the stretch after learning Pedro Strop is out for the rest of the regular season because of a strained left hamstring. Strop, who had posted 11 saves since closer Brandon Morrow went on the disabled list in July, hurt himself trying to beat out a double-play grounder this week.

On Friday night, Jorge De La Rosa worked around a double and walk in the ninth inning for his first career save, preserving a 3-2 win over Cincinnati at Wrigley Field. Cubs manager Joe Maddon said he envisions calling on veterans including Steve Cishek, Justin Wilson and Jesse Chavez to finish games.

ONE MORE Mike Clevinger starts at Progressive Field as Cleveland tries to clinch its third straight AL Central title. The Indians have a magic number of one — they can wrap up the division with a win over Detroit, or a loss by Minnesota at Kansas City.

RATS! The New York Mets had an unwelcome visitor to their dugout as their series opened at Fenway Park: a rat that sent the players scurrying away. No word on whether it was the same one that rattled the Red Sox in their dugout on Tuesday night. Boston players paid tribute to their guest Friday night with a (presumably fake) rat skeleton on their dugout railing.

GETTING CLOSER Injured Yankees closer Aroldis Chapman is set to throw a bullpen session, then will pitch a simulated game on Monday. If all goes well, he could be activated in the middle of next week. The New York lefty hasn’t pitched in a game since Aug. 21 because of left knee tendinitis.

THEY ALL COUNT All during the month, a lot of September call-ups from the minors will be getting their first hit in the majors. It happened for Mitch Walding of the Phillies on Friday night when he homered — off Miami catcher Bryan Holaday, who was pitching in a blowout. Walding had been 0 for 14 with 10 strikeouts in the big leagues. “I was speechless,” Walding said. “Probably one of the happiest moments I’ve ever had in my life. “It was very special and something, obviously, I’ll never forget the rest of my life.”

FOR STARTERS The A’s and Rays, two of the primary teams using relievers as openers to start games, will employ the strategy against each other for the first time. Tampa Bay will go with Ryne Stanek (2-3) while Oakland counters with Liam Hendriks (0-1) at Tropicana Field.

By  Associated Press

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Janet Jackson Talks Her Battle With Depression: ‘The Struggle Was Intense’

Janet Jackson is speaking out.

The 52-year-old pop icon pens a letter to her fans in the new issue of Essence magazine, which was shared on Wednesday’s Good Morning America, about her journey and the lessons she has learned over the course of her life.

“I struggled with depression. The struggle was intense,” Jackson writes about her thirties. “Low self-esteem might be rooted in childhood feelings of inferiority. It could relate to failing to meet impossibly high standards. And of course there are always the societal issues of racism and sexism. Put it all together and depression is a tenacious and scary condition. Thankfully, I found my way through it.”

Jackson went on to say in the present day it's the love of her 1-year-old son, Eissa Al Mana, that brings her so much joy.

WARWICK SAINT/ESSENCE

“The height of happiness is holding my baby son in my arms and hearing him coo, or when I look into his smiling eyes and watch him respond to my tenderness,” she writes of her little boy. “When I kiss him. When I sing him softly to sleep. During those sacred times, happiness is everywhere.”

Also in the Essence letter, Jackson writes about the #MeToo movement and female empowerment. “We are living at a time in history when women all over the world are refusing to be controlled, manipulated, exploited or abused,” she declares. “We have found our strength, and we will not relent.”

🚨 New Cover Alert! 🚨 “We’ve laughed and cried, sung and danced together.” Over the years, watching @JanetJackson’s journey has been a true testament to #BlackGirlMagic. We still wonder how she does it all and remains centered. In our July/Aug. issue, the #EssenceFest headliner dishes on the voyage to her happy place. Get ready for the ultimate trip down memory lane. #IssaEssenceSlay On stands 6/22. (📷: @warwicksaint)

A post shared by ESSENCE (@essence) on Jun 20, 2018 at 6:17am PDT

WARWICK SAINT/ESSENCE

When Jackson reflected on her early years as a child she said, "I was happy when my brothers came home from performing on the road. I was happy when my mother lavished me with love. But I wasn’t happy with the way I looked…”

As for her teens, the star wrote,"Happiness came when people asked me to perform…but I was happiest when I was pleasing others and not myself. An older and wiser Janet might have said, ‘True happiness is knowing you’re doing the best you can…’”

Jackson did not touch on her current ongoing custody battle with her ex, Wissam Al Mana.

For more from Jackson, watch the clip below:

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[lifeunwinds]

1/14/18

What’s going on with my life? I’ve lost control. I haven’t left my house in two weeks exactly and most of that’s been in my bed. I would rather sleep because each time I wake up and realize that I’m here I get sadder. I have no desire to do anything and find myself lying in bed for as long as I can each day. I have no passion or will to want to create anything, have no desire to get a deadend job here and every “perfect” plan i’ve had to move away from here continues to crumble. All my money is depleting and I feel like i’m losing time in my life to do anything. I’ve been out of school for almost two years now and I have nothing going for me. Even if I move to LA and try to start a company with Alex, if that fails I feel like I will be in some MAJOR trouble with my mental health. 

I’ve felt like this for years but have never really thought about it until i’m in the situation. And I mean that in the way that when I feel really happy and good about life I don’t fear for these sad moments and I think it’s because I never realized that I get to these points. I never realized that I have a problem until I thought about it now. But is it a problem if they are situational problems that lead me into a deep depression, or do I have maniac depression?

I found myself depressed through middle school and high school. The only thing I had to look forward to was getting out of Pennsylvania and pursuing what I wanted to do. Getting my first job at Pizza Hut and making money helped me through my depression because although I had no friends and didn’t hang out with anyone, I at least had something to do and some social interaction. This made me a very hardworking individual because although I didn’t always enjoy the job I worked, I enjoyed the people around me. And having nothing else to do led me to always extending my day and taking peoples shifts and coming in whenever they needed me. Which in return gave me more money to save and made me happier for my future. I became very happy the last six months of my senior year (starting april of 2013) when I cleared my acne, got a new haircut, and created some social media accounts and became more social. I went on the senior trip and had a blast. I even started my “first” relationship. That was the happiest I had ever been in my life up until that point, I felt like I was on top of the world. Then chaos between us happened and with me moving away I ended things. I became very emotional, very sad, and in some ways I changed. I was extremely hurt and after that situation I became less loving and less open.

When I moved to Orlando I was extremely excited, that first month was amazing. Everyone was so cool, open, excited and we were all away from home so we could do whatever we wanted!! IT WAS INSANE. That was the best time ever. For the first two weeks I found myself still sad at night when I had moments to think about my relationship and still not being over her. But it was not as bad as it was before I moved. For the six months I found myself on an incredible high, until however I found myself in a rather upsetting position of confusion about my future. I had started a relationship with my still current girlfriend of 4 years back in November of 2013 and in June of 2014 I started questioning my life, where I would be, where I would end up, where I would go, what I would do. I was only 6 months into college and I was worried about everything. I broke up with my girlfriend out of the fear of what and where my life was going because I wanted a solid single moment to think about everything. And honestly it was a huge mistake. I did not need to leave her to do those things but in my mind I thought I did. I broke up with her the night that we had just gotten home from downtown disney and attending a concert with our friends. How fucked up is that? I couldn’t let her just enjoy the night?? I had mixed emotions and didn’t want to lie to her and make her think everything was okay. But honestly, I should’ve so that I didn’t ruin her night. My feelings could have waited one day tbh. Anyway, I ended things and soon afterwards it was July 4th and my friends and roommates had all left for their week vacation. I decided to stay back to assess my situation and in some ways it was good for me as it allowed some clear alone time, and gave me much time to think. I became very sad about ending my relationship and very jealous as I realized that she was with one of my friends at the time. I started thinking about what it was like without her, and I hated it. I knew I loved her. We got back together soon after and I found myself VERY happy. Aug. 2014 - Aug. 2015 was a very very very good time. That was the best I had ever felt. Being with her and enjoying life could not get any better. But then she graduated and in September of 2015 she moved away to Miami. I became very sad. I had just moved into a new apartment and not having her around led me to become very depressed. This became a dark time in my life. I didn’t hangout with many friends, and a lot of the time I found myself saying no to offers to go to parties, hangout with roommate, or even leave my bedroom at all. I would avoid contact with my roommate altogether  if I could some days by faking a phone call just to get to my room or just waiting for them to leave before I went to get something to eat or even leave the house. And sometimes  I would leave the house and then try and rush back before he got back home. It was bad. I had also come from a time of avoiding my roommates back in my last apartment because two of them were weird afff. But the only time I found myself happy is either when I was visiting her or hanging out with friends after school. I started to become more social with my friends and we started to soon create a tight bond. We started hanging more and more and my happiness grew. I became in a very bad situation again when I had gone through a long distance pregnancy scare with my girlfriend while in a very stressful situation in school for my class. It was very bad timing and I had been to the point of crying in the shower. I got through it with support from my friend and the happiness game became back at an all time high. I graduated September 2016 and this is when everything would change.

I had a plan with my friend to move to New York city. My girlfriend had moved there with his sister a few months back and my friend and I had visited in July of 2016. It was a great time. Although things were different between my girlfriend and I as we were changing people it was still very nice to see her. Fast forward to graduation and I hadn’t been able to commit to moving to NY because my girlfriend said her sister might relocate to LA and she might move with her. I really did NOT want this to happen because it would ruin everything. The plan I had with my friend would fall through, which is why I said I couldn’t commit at the moment. (It had nothing to do with money, I had that saved and ready, I was just waiting because I didn’t want to be away from my girlfriend.) So I moved back home in PA until I could figure out a plan. The first week of October the day after graduating I got on a flight with my parents and visited my grandfather in Dallas as he wasn’t doing very well. It was a good time getting to see family and spending a week with my parents especially. It felt like a mini vacation with family I hadn’t seen in a very long time. I was at a high, I was very happy. When we had arrived back home I started to apply to some local film jobs submitting my resume everywhere I could. My aunt had then passed away a week later and it was a sad time for the family. My grandmother  (other side of family) who had attended the funeral had started to slowly decline in health. I remember telling her that my girlfriend was coming for our anniversary the next month (Nov. 2016) and that i’d love for her and my aunts to meet her over dinner. She said that would be lovely and we had a plan to have dinner at her house. She began to decline in health very quickly and by the time my girlfriend came was on her deathbed. It was a very hard time, I am rather happy thought that she was able to meet my girlfriend. When she passed the whole family had taken it hard. It was very sad, I was sad. I had continued looking for jobs but kept getting no’s. Out of pressure for feeling like I wasn’t doing enough, I took a job at a hotel that my cousin had offered to me and stopped my search for film work. This would go on to become a very bad time. I started there the second week of Dec. 2016 and had a plan to visit my friend and girlfriend in NYC over new years. I went on that trip and was very happy. When I came back around the second week of Jan. 2017 My grandfather had declined in health and my mother, sister and I went to Dallas to visit him. My girlfriend had also moved to LA this time as well. He had passed away through one of the nights we were there but I was very happy to have been there to see him before he passed away. It was a very sad time for me and my family. I had issues with my work over this situation and work became to be very repetitive and scary. I was a night auditor for a hotel and was awake working by myself there 11pm - 7am sleeping during the day and working with very sketchy people in charge of the entire hotel by myself, alone at 21. It was a learning experience for sure, but definitely not a job I wanted to keep. I found myself very depressed again so I quit the job in April 2017 and went on to focus my time into film again. For the month of May I spent my time updating my resume and sending out applications. (not many, as I felt like I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go.) The next month in June 2017 I went on a family vacation to the D.R. and I had upgraded my equipment to a 5D mark iv and go pro 5. I was very excited! I was back to a high!! We had a blast of a time. Then I decided to visit my girlfriend in LA since we hadn’t seen each other in six months since January. That trip changed my outlook on life, I had a wonderful time and wanted to live there. I developed a plan with two of my friends that were there to find an apartment since they were already looking and I got my girlfriend on board too. The next month (Aug. 2017) I got an offer from a friend to fly out and work alongside him, so of course I did. It was a great time!! I had a blast and had worked 4 12 hour days straight. I felt so great because that’s the first time I worked in film since I graduated (almost a year exactly!!!). I then came back in Sept. 2017 and I tried to find a way to move there. This was my new mission. During which I gotten some freelance gigs. My one friend and girlfriend had both flaked on moving but I still had my other friend. By Oct. 2017 she had found someone else interested and I found a friend as well so we could get a 2 bed place. In Nov. 2017 My girlfriend came up for a wedding in the family in Virginia and I flew down with her to LA because I had a gig with a friend in Mexico for a week!! Now this was a trip of a lifetime, I had such a fucking phenomenal time. I was at an extreme high. I then was back in LA to celebrate my anniversary with my girlfriend and then fly back to PA. For the remaining month of Dec. 2017 I fell into a depression again. It was cold and icy and afraid to drive in the snow I didn’t leave the house. Christmas came, New Years came, Jenny’s birthday came, and I didn’t manage to make it out to see her. We have been face-timing/calling each other but it’s not the same. Dec. 31st 2017 I had messaged the group that we were looking for apartments with and two of them had flaked and already gotten an apartment. That leaves me with one person left and he wants to move to Atlanta instead. There is no 100% saying he will but if everything there is better for him I don’t want to force him to move to LA just for me. This has made me VERY depressed and to the point of not wanting to get out of bed because I feel like every option I have left is a failure and at this point i’m just done altogether. It’s veery frustrating for me to have gone through this several times and have it fail. I don’t know what else is left to do or what will happen, but if I don’t get to LA or leave this state soon I WILL GO MORE INSANE THAN I’VE BECOME.

I hope everything works out, but if there’s one thing i’ve learned since graduating, that’s not going to fucking happen.