#judgment error

[sirnotappearinginthistumbl]

[hsw3k]

Praetorian Jack's reaction when he thinks Dementus has killed Furiosa.

[philosophybits]

Where men are the most sure and arrogant, they are commonly the most mistaken, and have there given reins to passion, without that proper deliberation and suspense, which can alone secure them from the grossest absurdities.

David Hume, An Enquiry Concerning the Principles of Morals

[mixedstyles]

Wait… I actually loved that podium.

[questionablespecies]

Started watching The Pitt and absolutely love it! (Only on ep 3 so far)

Rant below lmaooooo

One thing I noticed scrolling through the tags for it is that nobody has suspiciously talked about Dr. Trinity Santos - the other white girl intern (not the blonde). And I'm like maybe I'm crazy, but she comes off as incredibly abrasive to the point that she's just plain unlikable. And I have no idea what the show is doing with her character in the moments we see her in. Because they have her do this thing where she comes off as an incredibly bitchy, antagonistic person to another intern and then have her say "sorry, I was told my sarcasm is a shield" and then have her do whatever heart to heart moment where she becomes serious enough to say whatever happened wasn't your fault, but then goes straight back to the bitchy antagonism.

And then they have other like senior people tell her that she, one, either needs to slow down because she's doing things without the senior residents' consent or she's like being told that she's too confident and proud in a predicament where she also has clearly no humility.

I'm just sitting here like when does she get cussed out is my question. Like SURELY the show knows she's unlikeable? Surely they don't expect me to view her as a complicated character that comes off as abrasive? She feels very manipulative to me and with the other interns and the senior residents or doctors on site have a sense (or at least I think they do) that they know she's full of shit, but don't have time to sit there and reprimand her.

Just to put it simply: I don't like her and I'm like why is she so consistently in my face 😂 she hasn't done anything to make me believe she is a complicated character that is just being misunderstood right now.

[andkeeponplaying]

Sufjan’s essay for the 10th anniversary Carrie & Lowell vinyl

[orcinus-veterinarius]

I'm going to start going through the asks that accumulated during my break soon. In accordance with my new guidelines, I'm not going to answer questions that ask specifically about the health of animals at individual facilities. Thank you for your understanding!!!

[truffle-chocolate]

Bad Sansuary day 9 and 13: shadow and judgment 🏜️

[tdragonomega]

Error:final judgment

[kujakuramblings]

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[ejzah]

A/N: @mashmaiden encouraged me to get this story finished up, so here we are.

***

An Error in Judgment, Part 9

Deeks spent the next two-and-half days in and out of consciousness while antibiotics did their work. The doctors said they’d caught the septicemia in time before it spread to other parts of his body. Kensi marveled at the amount of damage a few little wounds had caused.

In that time, Deeks drifted in and out, battling high fevers, disorientation, and pain. It was terrifying, and reminded Kensi far too much of when he was in recovery from his injuries in Mexico. She’d barely let him out of her sight in all that time, insisting on observing all tests she could, and assisting with his medical care.

Now, he was finally more lucid, though he slept through large parts of the day.

“You know, you’re supposed to eat that, not sculpt with it, right?” Kensi commented as she came back from the bathroom and found Deeks pushing a scoop of food into a more uniform mound.

“Oh, you know I’m more a jello guy than…whatever this is,” he replied. He gave it an experimental poke. Kensi had to admit that the soft and bland diet left a lot to be desired.

“I’m sorry, baby. I’ll ask Sam to bring you some chicken soup, the good kind, and sherbet.” She already had her phone out, but Deeks waved her down with a muted gesture.

“Eh, don’t bother. I’m not hungry anyway.”

“I know.” Kensi sat down next to him, cupping his jaw. His beard had grown out a little more than usual, so it felt softer under her skin. “But they’re not going to let you out of here if you don’t eat.”

“Ugh, fine,” he relented, shifting with a grimace. “Ask him to bring orange and lime.”

“Will do.” She settled back, sending the request to Sam, biting back a yawn.

“Hey, you should go home.”

“I’m fine,” she insisted, even as she yawned again, unable to hold it in this time.

“Kens,” Deeks said. When she looked up, he was eyeing her knowingly, fondly. “Baby, you’ve been here for days. Go home, take a shower, get some sleep, get some real food.”

“I don’t want to leave you here alone,” Kensi admitted.

“You know I’m just going to end up sleeping most of the time. Besides, Sam will be here before too long. Please.” He gave her the soft, pleading look that she could never refuse, and she sighed.

“Ok, I will go home for a little bit. But if anything changes, you feel even a tiny bit worse, you text me right away, ok?” Deeks nodded once, giving a playful salute. She bent down and kiss him softly, lingering for a couple extra seconds. “I’ll see you soon.”

***

True to his predictions, Deeks dozed off shortly after Kensi left. He dreamed he and Kensi were floating in the middle of a perfectly blue ocean, the sun shining overhead as they laid on the deck of a small yacht. He was just leaning over to kiss Kensi, when a voice broke through his revery.

“Deeks. Investigator Deeks.” Deeks cracked his eyes open slowly, fighting the voice urging him to wake up. It was a lot more pleasant to sleep right now than facing the discomfort of reality.

“Yessir,” he slurred, only partially aware, but recognizing Admiral Kilbride’s gruff tone. His vision finally focused enough to see the man standing over him, dressed in one of his three-piece suits, and a frown firmly in place. “Afraid I’m not up to any super secret missions right now.”

“You certainly have looked better,” Kilbride commented. Deeks couldn’t tell if it was said sympathetically or in criticism. Either way, laying down seemed to put him at even more of a disadvantage, so he pushed himself up, concealing the pain it induced.

He must not have been as successful as he hoped, because Kilbride visibly winced, hand lifting slightly like he was reaching to help Deeks before he caught himself. Instead, he shoved his hand into his pants pockets, rolling back onto his heels.

He was uncomfortable, Deeks realized. It was an odd look on the normally unflappable man. Foregoing his usual urge to fill the silence, Deeks leaned back, and waited.

After several moments of extremely awkward silence, Kilbride cleared his throat.

“So, I hear that you had a pretty significant infection brewing,” he said finally.

“Yeah, turns out burns mixed with not the cleanest floors makes for a nasty combination,” Deeks agreed.

Kilbride nodded, turning partially away, seeming to study the notes left by the afternoon shift nurse, before he turned to face Deeks again, face set grimly.

“I am not in the habit of making apologies, Deeks,” he began.

“I’m aware of that, Sir.”

Kilbride’s eyes tightened and he sighed deeply, folding his arms behind his back.

“But, upon future reflection, it appears that I owe you one.” Deeks’ eyebrows rose at that. “Although I don’t like to admit it, I did allow my…own feelings about you affect my judgment. If not in the original incident that started this all, then in my decision to ignore concerns about your health. And I apologize for that.”

“Wow, I can say that I was definitely not expecting that. Are you sure I’m not having a drug induced dream?” Deeks said. He eyed the Admiral, not quite trusting him. His apology seemed too sudden and uncharacteristic. “I didn’t take your for the “see the light” kind of guy.”

“Yes, well, your wife made a very compelling argument in your favor,” Kilbride said dryly. Based on his expression, the discussion hadn’t been pleasant.

“Mmm, she did, huh? She’s kind of scary when she’s angry isn’t she?” Deeks guessed..

Kilbride harrumphed, which Deeks assumed was the closest he would get to agreement. “In any case, she pointed out certain oversights I might have made.”

“You mean like assuming we were having a tryst in the locker room and refusing to let me go to a doctor?” Deeks guessed. Maybe it was a little forthright, but he’d blame that on the drugs too.

“Perhaps.” Kilbride tapped his fingers on the footboard, once again seeming ill at ease. As though whatever he was about to say was physically hurting him. “She also reminded me of your excellent record and work ethic, including during this most recent case.”

“And now that you’ve had that reminder, what does that mean for the future?”

“It means, that I am ending your and Agent Blye’s probation, effective today,” Kilbride said. “Assuming that you can keep your relationship out of the office.”

“No.” Kilbride looked surprised at Deeks’ objection.

“Excuse me?”

“I appreciate your apology and the reinstatement,” Deeks began. He licked his bottom lip, working solely on instinct. “But I refuse to work in an environment where my every action is constantly under scrutiny. Kensi and I have managed to maintain our professionalism for years as partner who are also in a romantic relationship. An innocent hug or kiss in a private space shouldn’t discount everything that we’ve achieved for NCIS, for this team.”

“I sense an ultimatum coming,” Kilbride guessed shrewdly.

“I definitely don’t want to, but if it comes to it, I will seek legal recourse for the negligence that led to the exacerbation of my injuries.” Deeks gazed back steadily after he finished speaking. It wasn’t a threat precisely, more a warning and a promise.

“I see.” Nodding slowly, his lips twitched against a smile. “I often forget your past legal training. Alright, Deeks, you have a deal. With in reason. I won’t have you making out in the bullpen.”

“I think I can manage that,” Deeks agreed. He held out his hand, and after a moment of hesitation, Kilbride took it, his grip firm.

“I’ll take my leave now. You look ready to pass out.” He gave a sharp nod, heading for the door. “Oh, and tell Agent Blye that she used up her free pass to shout at me.”

“I’ll let her know, Sir.”

Settling back in his pillows, Deeks rubbed both hands over his face. He had no doubt that he and Kilbride would butt heads in the future, but he thought they’d reached some kind of understanding.

And if not, he had a friend who would help him draw up the appropriate paperwork. Smiling to himself, he let that thought comfort him, and closed his eyes, returning to the peaceful ocean of his earlier dream.

***

A/N: Thanks so much to everyone who stuck with me for this story.

I hope the ending didn’t seem too abrupt or Kilbride’s apology out of place. My intent is that he felt guilty about the role he played in Deeks’ decline in health and is trying to do damage control.

Do you think I should write a short epilogue, or does this seem like a good ending?

[dumbnerd13-42]

the train gods tried to stop me with one almost cancelled train and one last minute platform change but I made it to Symphony Hall!!!!!

Now eagerly awaiting the start of the terrible influence show

[kaleidoscope1967eyes]

ok actually i think i'm opting out of dating undergrads lmao

[the-fae-in-your-walls]

Wow... my tummy hurts, I wonder what would fix it?

Hmmmm...

A huge bowl of spicy ramen

Yes, this surely won't go wrong... this will fix me!

Oh.. oh no..

[daisyachain]

Unforgivable for the b-options in a romance to be way more interesting than the main duo

[xxxstraightfromtheheartxxx]

Read my tags first, ran out of space.

Note: I change my mind a few times throughout this text post, what I began with is not entirely what I ended with. And I’m not even sure of the ‘conclusion’ I got to. However I’m too tired to try and figure the rest out about it right now. Might change this post later when I have made up my mind or got more questions about it. Heads up! Spelling- and other mistakes in writing, were made. Frequently.

I know my tags make me a hypocrite and that’s one of the judgemental thought processes I’ve been fighting/growing against most for a while now.

I expect people to think similarly to me about this and that’s not within my right, they don’t owe me anything for the choice I decided to make and put the hard work in for. That I’ve suffered for it and for the patience I’ve had to bring up towards others being judgemental and having prejudices they didn’t fight within themselves. The frustration I keep feeling every time I have to explain to other adults how to respect accept and see minorities or marginalised groups as equal in worth to themselves. It’s so tiring, and I’m just white, I can’t imagine what it must be like to try and have these conversations to protect yourself and your family and friends and loved ones over and over again whilst still experiencing racist comments assumptions treatment behaviour bullying exclusion exploitation… through systemic racism, racist communities,through so many facets of their lives.

I feel like I’ve been shouting for equality. Not sure if that’s the best most respectful word for it in english, in my language literally translated our word means ‘equally worthy”. And to me that means that from birth we should all be treated with the same amount of respect love and acceptance. It’s only society, nurture that causes this inequality to exist, that not only allows but encourages prejudices and othering for power. Shouting at people who seemingly just refuse to open their eyes, minds and hearts and keep humanity from growing into healthier behavioural patterns in the future. They refuses to put in more effort to try our best to avoid wars, make the idea of hurting another person out of anything other than self defence, be heavily rejected, punished. Instead of not saving each other out of fear for economic and political threats to our own habitants and countries. To be unified so firmly by the absolute belief that violence is wrong, that those fears wouldn’t even be an issue because we’re all know all the other countries will still have our backs and we’d be able to function without the country that’s trying to start or continue a war, while only having to put in mild effort to be entirely independent from the threatening county, as humanity instead of as “individual countries”. It would cut the county/group at war of their resources entirely, which would endanger them to much to be able to actually be able to hold out being at war and making an actual big difference in the big picture of our common humanity. I know there are many weapons that could destroy so many at the same time, yet they would be poisoning the ground they so gladly wish to live on. (Ofcourse this is an ideal that is almost utopian).

This is the goal I thought we were all collectively working towards throughout our entire lives. To eventually be able to all come together in the far away future. All of the warmhearted people in the world.

And therefore we have to start within our small circle of influence and be open to try and learn to understand and respect each other with our differences and similarities, To expect people to be good and ourselves to put effort in it.

However completely swerved away from my original point. But it is the root of that frustration, hurt, disappointment and envy I experience when I see or hear or feel negative judgement .

People have been calling me stern and too strict and rigid in thought more in the last 4 years. It’s because I’ve been responding to prejudices and discriminatory behaviour and ideas verbally, and I have to admit about 50% of the time quite hard, not disrespectful, but clear. I’ve been setting boundaries over what way there can be spoken about others and myself with me. This week I even threatened to leave the room and wouldn’t continue conversing with them if they didn’t then stop casually using the n-word, while knowing it is wrong and hurtful and what my opinion and feeling was towards it. They called my stern and frowned and sighed but at least could bring it up not to say it with me around anymore. I know I haven’t changed their behaviour without my presence this way and it saddens me to feel them rejecting that part of myself that’s at the core of me. My moral core believe of equality.

When people won’t widen their view for one minority it makes me feel unsafe as part of multiple other minorities. I’m a queer womxn with persistent mental health issues, who isn’t able to work because of it and I’m neurodivergent and have some invisible fysical issues (I have loads of allergies which used to give me big rashes of eczema in my envoys and knees and later hands and feet, it has improved a lot, the amount of allergies keeps expanding though) ( I have a very small amount of energy compared to most people my age because of having to put in too much effort as a child and teen) to take care of others and secretly fighting feelings of depression). I’m lucky to be middle-class, white and have affordable healthcare here. All of these other aspects have made life harder for me throughout my entire life. Yet others have mostly blamed me and pestered me, excluded and avoided me for my inabilities and difference, including the inability to l love men.

It feels unfair that I try so hard to be accepting, understand and respectful of others, and not get the same amount of effort and care back… which is hypocrite of me, because the people I want to make the biggest changes never asked me to do all that. And while their lives are often so much easier specifically on the those societal aspects, does that make them owe me that effort back?

I feel like yes, they should, because they have more space for it, for questioning their prejudices than us. Because of the privileges of the main beliefs in their society, they didn’t have to lift a finger for throughout their entire lives. For all of the freedom and respect they’ve just got thrown in their laps, that took up so much of our lives for us to assemble a resemblance to their quality of life.

(Many people who have to fight for their lives daily, do not have that time or space so they only get to grow slower and are part of minority or marginalised groups as well. Bc evidently their is a lot of prejudice within those groups towards the other groups who are also being pressed down.)

I don’t know if I still think it’s hypocrite of me to expect people to put effort in being good. I don’t think so. The length they are able to go through to make those improvements however, I should bare in mind stronger again, like I used to.

If I give up on following my moral compass on this, I’ll never be the person I hope to be one day. I do feel like I deserve to give myself a break and be forgiving about those negative thoughts because they come from a desire for righteousness and good. Recognise, reject, correct, forgive and trust that I’ll do better next time because it is what I truly want to in the long run. I show myself to not always respond and to better pick my battles, so I can persevere and rebuild my energy for when I can make a bigger impact In the braided context or my own. However when I notice bad behaviour or judgement towards others, I do use little parts of it to give them a correcting look or to speak up for someone else or recently even for myself.

Totally did not see this rant coming!!

I knew this theme has been more at the front of my mind again recently and that I’ve been prickly about it, yet I hasn’t reflected on its origin as deeply as I did just now. So here, little amount of people this will reach, have some personal information from my brain and my heart.

.

I’ve been typing this for so long and my attention span has loosened throughout writing. I don’t supposes I’ve managed to make everything clear, I got more and more tired and created some weird sentence structures and maybe grammar and def phrasing to try to get my point through or at least comprehended.

Don’t come at me about the war part, I know it is unrealistic to achieve anything like that in our lifetimes.

Yet I’m holding onto this dream for dear life. Otherwise what is there? To grow towards, to live for? It all comes to recognising, appreciating, sharing and maintaining the good there is now and nurturing the good to come.

The way you change your immediate reactions to things is that you catch yourself having an uncharitable/bigoted/overly judgmental thought and you catch it and replace it and then you do that a hundred times a day for your whole life and eventually one day like five years later you realize that you think differently now and you’ll always be working on something but that’s how life goes and that’s fine.