#jts happening i xant stop it
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Lmao guess who just found out that he has to wear a dress for a guard thing and hasn't stopped crying for half an hour and already had a panic attackkkk
#im legit crying#im sittinf in my bathroom tryinf to resist the very cery VERY strong urge to relapse#i have a feeling ill give in#sorry to mt friend who i promised i wouldnt do antrhin#and to my bf who gerts upset over tjis shit#jts happening i xant stop it#foodbue yall well see if ill be around tomorrow#might just relapse so hard i kms#fun time#personal
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the weight of what happened @ squirrel hill is kinda crashing into me all of a sudden rn and idk how to handle it
#my campus rabbi texted me aksjng if i wanted tocome ovdr for shabbat this weekend and i cant but like. all of a sudden im fighting back tead#tears. i havent celebrated shabbat in years but i think i want to now because of this#idk my jewishness is such a strange thing. i was raised jewish and im jewish by blood bc my mom is (my dad isnt) but our family is also supe#super secular and we dont rlycwlebrate thinfs a lot and i like used to go to hebrww sxhooll and i was bat mitzvahed and i was a madricha for#like 3 yrs and then we stopped going to shul and stuff and its been years. and ive loosely been involved w the jewish club on campus but not#that much bc ive veen too busy but also like... avoidant somehow. like wanting some parts of it but not all of it#and ive only experienced rly mild antisemitism i guess bc i dont rly ‘’look’’ jewish n dont have a jewish last name but thwre have been#moments that i have that have confused and hurt me but like. nothing like this that i can rmemeber. and its all hitting me @ once now and#idk what to do. i still xant cry abt it somehow but just turnibg ovdr the tragedy of what happened and who those ppl were and what they were#doinf ad everytbbing over sn dover in my head. its a lot to think about and im scared and sad and confused#ive been rbing on here abt jt all day and i voted but im just like. exhausted and sad from it its too much#i dont have a strong enough sense of jewish community rn and thats part of the problem i thjnk. that i kinda want that esp after all of this#but i have nothing to cling to rly and no way of getting it and!!!! idk what im even saying im so overwhelmed and sad#purrs#well? i kno what im gonna talk abt in [redacted] tmrrw now lol#jewish tag
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