#joyless goddamnned movie

[fuckblast]

Alright I gotta get chores done today thinking through my watchlist of Christmas specials

Always sunny Santa did you fuck my mom [debut as standalone, somewhere in season 6]

King of the Hill Bill has a breakdown [3x9]

King of the Hill Jimmy Carter [6x4]

King of the Hill old lady dies [9x2]

King of the Hill trucker Christmas [8x7]

Futurama Robot Santa [2x4]

Futurama Holiday Spectacular [7x13]

Futurama bender becomes robot santa [3x3]

Futurama other robot santa ep [11x9]

Solar Opposites (not a show I watch actually but I have intense feelings about the movie Jingle All the Way and a friend showed me this and I felt understood. Plus it's keeping on adult animation theme) [2x9]

[ginger-snap-talkin-nonsense]

I don’t really think it’s anything specific to the 2010s or onward personally Ginger. You could be exactly this age and have this exact revoltingly joyless personality back in the 1970s, and I would still fucking bet ANYTHING that you would be endlessly crying/screeching about how much movies, cartoons, TV shows, etc. sucked then as well and longing for the how much better all stories were back in the 1950s. There’s nothing specific to this decade or the last when it comes to emotionally stunted crybullies like you who HATE the fact that Hollywood refuses to fucking indulge you in remaining as stuck in the past as you are. Entertainment has ALWAYS changed and evolved over time, and the shows/movies/cartons made 20 years later have ALWAYS been fucking different than those that were made 20 years ago, and there’s nothing unique about what currently counts as modern entertainmemt that makes it any different.

It’s just that now you’re screaming with joy on the depths of 4chan and QAnon forums about happy you are that trans, non-binary, gay, etc. characters/storylines and scenes centered around them are getting cut from cartoons/TV shows and movies by your favorite rich, white MAGA Trash studio executives who’re desperate for ANY fucking reasons to throw more margalinzed creators out on the streets, unionized or not. While in the 1970s you would have been screaming with joy about your favorite rich, white SEGREGATIONIST studio executives cutting out black, Jewish, Japanese, etc. characters/storylines and scenes centered around them from cartoons/TV show and movies.

You see, Ginger, you being a myopically miserable bigot who’s never known a single fucking OUNCE of fun in her entire goddamn life never changes. It’s only the ways that you believe that you can get away with publically being a far right joyless shithead (like Lily) that would be what changes if you were this way some amount of decades ago.

Sitcom Anon normally I would just laugh you off as usual but...dude it's Christmas eve and you've got time to do this? Are you okay do you need to talk?

[minijenn]

Jen Tortures Herself With Every Dreamworks Animated Movie Ever: Home

So ya'll ever watch a movie you know for a fact, just by looking at it, is made for babies and very small children? Yeah, that's what Home is, in like, almost every way. It is a dumb movie made for dumb children. I didn't like it. Let's get into why.

The Boov are (super quirky omgzz) alien race that take over the planet Earth as their new home, relocating humans, all except for Tip, a no-nonsense girl who's determined to find her missing mother. She teams up with Oh, perhaps the most fucking annoying Boov of all to the point that he's hated even by his fellow aliens, as they travel across the Earth to find Tip's mom.

Simple premise, simple movie. And yet despite that, it still manages to have really weird and fucky pacing? Like moments that should be spent on actually developing the characters and their relationships with each other are just... glossed over through montages or very brief scenes? It's really, really weirdly paced, I don't even know how to properly explain it. It felt like the movie was speed running itself (fine with me, the sooner it ended, the better.)

So if the movie isn't focusing on that, what is it focusing on? Well some pretty unexciting action scenes for one, but then there's the real thing this movie is about: humor. Really shitty, bad, immature, lame potty humor and "omgz so random!" kind of humor that was running rampant in the 2010s. Like I said, this is a baby movie, for babies. So all of the jokes are very simple and dumbed down and not a single one of them got even a smile out of me. This entire movie was a flaccid, joyless experience.

When it isn't smacking you in the face with fart and piss jokes, its trying so damn hard to hit you in the feels. But in that reguard, it takes a swing and misses completely because I felt nothing for these characters in the slightest. Oh might just be one of the most annoying Dreamworks protagonists yet, with this really aggrivating way of talking that all the Boov have where they skip words or just say things wrongly and I get it, that's the joke, but fuck if it doesn't become grating almost immediately. Tip is only a little better, but she's largely an inconsistant character, hating Oh at one point and then being besties with him the next that I barely even knew what her characterization was even supposed to be.

What else, what else? Uh.... There was a villain? The leader of the Boov? I don't remember anything significant about him? Oh and uhhh the uhhh (checks Wikipedia page bc this movie made such a nothing impact on me i can barely remember it only ten minutes after viewing it) the Gorg, which is also a nothing threat, just there to be "oooh scary" until the end where it's revealed it isn't actually scary at all and just wanted its babies back (fucking Chicken Little did this first and better, you know your movie sucks if I'm saying goddamn Chicken Little is better).

The animation is very basic, very unimpressive character designs in a very average looking world. It's not what you'd expect from Dreamworks, that's for sure; I'd say its more along the lines of Illumination's normal quality. The soundtrack was all done by Rihanna, who voices Tip, and uhhh I'm not a big Rihanna fan, just gonna admit that up front. Her songs also just feel ill-placed throughout this very silly, zany romp, it just felt so weird at times to hear these soulful ballads when I had to fucking look at Oh's stupid face like what were they thinking with this???

So yeah, bad movie for babies. Sucks because I know Dreamworks can do better, they have so many times before. Unfortunately, sometimes, I think they just go for whatever they think will sell. And well, I'm sure they thought Oh would turn into a million marketable plushies (he probably did idk). But anyway, Home can go the fuck home so I never have to look at it again.

Overall Rating: 3/10

Verdict: Get assassinated with the Shush wand or whatever the fuck it was called idk i stopped paying attention halfway through this dumbass movie to play on my Switch

Previous Review (The Penguins of Madagascar)

Next Review (Kung Fu Panda 3)

[cartoonus-maximus]

You all /do/ know that if you don’t like superhero movies literally /no one/ is forcing you to actually engage with them, right?

And that movies that are purely for entertainment are just as valid as watch-material as the groundbreaking movies with deep morals, right?

In short, loudly hating Marvel movies doesn’t make you special, it just makes you obnoxious.

[yuuminni]

also saw someone said the eternals invented romance and the pictures attached are of 4 ships that has like, 5 mins of screentime.

the standards are so goddamn low, my god

it literally doesnt matter that you like drukkari or thena/gilg more than ikaris/sersi. their romances may entice you more but ultimately they are side plots bc the characters involved are side characters. ikaris and sersi’s relationship takes the central stage, from lovers to ghosted strangers to lovers again to enemies, their conflict being sersi being chosen as the leader and not ikaris, that conflict driving the plot, and at the movie climax ikaris’s “love” stops him from hurting sersi any further and thus the eternals can save the day. like im sorry your ship wasnt central but thats just how it is! also thats why ikaris/sersi, not any other eternals ship, is compared to stucky, an also-central-to-the-movie-love ship you fucking dumbass!!!!

like im just thinking about how ppl would take any opportunity to throw rocks at the stuckies lmao. no one actually ships ikaris/sersi bc yall think its stale straight shit but the moment the stuckies say the seggs scene is joyless yall immediately take offense for it????

[pollomacksheeng]

They’re not fucking “jokes” Nooblord. They never fucking were “JuSt JoKeS”. You’re a terminally online, misery-addicted fascist proshipper who has an EXTREME incest/abuse kink, whose centered your entire fucking personality online around being such and evangelically defending/supporting ANOTHER far right proshipper who fucking molested her own SISTER as a goddamn child and has REFUSED to emotionally mature/grow as a person since then.

I’m not surprised that this shit apparently happens so often to you Nooblord, ravenously consuming terrible shock-value driven and disturbing fetishistic media (such as TCOA&L or other explicitly abuse apologia stories written by untalented edgelords) has often been shown to be incredibly CONSISTENT with such cruel/deranged behaviors in real life. It’s why proshippers (like you and Lily) are such a sadistically abusive, cruel, horrifically toxic bunch of people. NOBODY enjoys the hyperviolent/endlessly cruel garbage that y’all do, but instead of accepting that rather banal obvious fact about reality. Y’all spend YEARS harassing, verbally abusing, and bullying the victims of sexual abuse/incest who explain very clearly to you WHY nobody likes your fucking garbage and why you SHOULDN’T spend all of your time fetishizing abuse and shipping incestuous/other abusive parings in fiction OR supporting incestuous abuse in real life.

It’s great that you’re FINALLY stopping this horribly cruel and self-destructive bullcrap, but this was all a terrible dumpster fire that should have never been lit from the fucking beginning!! You and Lily enabling your deeply masochistic love of fascist/abusive storytelling was always WRONG shithead!!!! Your dogmatic, often abusively cruel hatred of media created by Jewish, LGBTQ+, and black artists was ALWAYS FUCKING WRONG!!!!!! Your delusionally myopic insistence that there even is a such thing as “Peak Fiction” when the best types of art are ALWAYS fucking diverse in nature and don’t SOLELY pander to any one (in this case, adrenaline addicted) terminally outraged, joyless edgelord personality cult online!!!! All of this was ALWAYS bad Nooblord, and you should have NEVER fucking started any of this awful, sadistic bullshitting in the first place!!!!

From everything you’ve ever supported or advocated for, it’s obvious to any honest person that you have an extremely poor moral character currently. But I hope that these incidents (whatever they may be) have actually finally been what you needed to realize that you need to stop obsessively consuming/stanning the most disgustingly abusive media and people that you can fucking find. Like it or not Nooblord, the things that you most enjoy and try to browbeat people into never criticizing say a LOT about you as a fucking person, and it was inevitable that your self-destructively reactionary hatred of ANY art even slightly worked on by marginalized/progressive people in a bizarre class system where only one, SINGLE type of movie/cartoons/stories in general get to “bE oN tOp”. Along with your deeply revolting love of the most sleazy, gratuitous, disturbingly abuse fetishizing media out there, would eventually have a MAJOR impact on both how other people interact with you in the real world, and your own behaviors themselves in the real world. Neither of which, evidently, have been very good experiences for you at all!!

I really, really, really fucking hope that you are able to start seeing a therapist (and a good fucking one at that!!) Noodlord, because you are so obviously self-destructive and clearly in such a DESPERATE need of one that I can’t imagine why you’ve refused to even think about going to one until NOW, when things have already gotten so fucking bad for you. Anyways, I wish you the best of luck in finally deciding to even try growing/improving as a person. And ALWAYS fucking remember that Lily Orchard is not nor has EVER fucking been a licensed therapist or counselor in any capacity whatsoever. She just loves sadistically torturing/abusing extremely vulnerable people (like Lizzy, Courtney, or Mikaila) for fucking fun. And using a (completely unfalsifiable) degree in psychology that she’s NEVER fucking spoken about until Courtney came forwards about being molested by her in order to desperately try to browbeat people into being as into incest/emotional abuse fetishizing as SHE fucking is. In order to make herself feel better about doing those sadistic actions to multiple people over the course of her life, who thought that they could actually fucking TRUST HER!!!!!!!!

Thanks to a three separate incidents over the last month-and-a-half, I am making the executive decision to attempt to put the "Peak Fiction" jokes and TCoA&L references, and thus potentially this blog, on an indefinite hiatus.

[avengersobsession]

SPOILERS FOR STAR WARS: THE RISE OF SKYWALKER.

...

...

...

TROS.

Four weeks later. Anybody still care what I think?

Okay, anything I think needs to be tempered by this: I went in spoiled. For just about everything. Not intending to, but I saw the biggest spoiler accidentally (KR dies) and I couldn’t deal with any ambiguity on that one, so I hunted down every spoiler hint available to see if that was true. And I disliked almost everything I heard—Palpatine’s return, Rey Palpatine, Ben’s death, very little Rose. I was so, so, so prepared to hate everything (except the promise of Reylo and a Reylo kiss—take what we can get). I went into the theater thinking, “Ugh. Let’s get this over with.”

Fellow Reylos, I loved it. Maybe that was because I was spoiled? I maintain and will maintain that Palpatine’s return was dumb. I also maintain Palpatine lied. But my attitude to all the things I didn’t like was, “Well, if they were gonna do this...they did it as well as it could be done.”

Dumb: Palpatine’s return. Reality: Opening with Kylo Ren stalking across the system to confront the old geezer, cutting through everything in his path like a cold joyless bastard? Saying, “Fuck nosferatu here, imma go get Rey and overthrow this guy and rule the galaxy with her”? Ohhhh yeahhhhh.

Dumb: Retconning Leia as a Jedi at this late date. Reality: Leia being a Jedi Master, training Rey, having her own lightsaber? OHHHH YEAHHHH. I’ve been wanting Jedi Leia since Empire.

Dumb: Going after a MacGuffen as a main plot (again). Reality: A fast-paced multi-world quest featuring Rey/Finn/Poe with funny snarking (“You were a spice runner?” “You were a stormtrooper?” “Oh, we gonna do this now?”), Chewie as a true companion at risk, Lando’s return, Rey cooing over babies, Kylo showing up here and there through the force bond to freak out and interrogate Rey, funky hidden sand caverns, Rey healing scary space snakes...guys, this was all levels of OH YEAH for me. It was fun, it was exciting...it felt right for Star Wars, what can I say?

Dumb: Shafting Rose. Reality: ...there was so much going on already! You couldn’t fit any more people on the Falcon without it turning into...look, there’s a MST3K episode of the movie Lost Continent where the party of 6-7 prepares to head out on the expedition. “Are we ready?” “I’m good!” “Can’t wait to get out there.” “Yeah, let’s go.” And JoelandBots riff, “Everybody get a line?” That’s what it would have turned into. I wish there had been more time for her but I also recognize her major story arc was completed last movie. She was not treated disrespectfully here but there just wasn’t enough time. (Us MCU Hawkeye fans are all looking at Rose Tico fans saying, “what are you, new?”)

Dumb: Rey Palpatine. Reality: STILL DUMB. I’ll say more later.

Dumb: Hux: “I’m the spy.” Reality, still dumb, but his “I don’t care who wins, I just need Kylo Ren to lose,” is pure Kylux subtext. Bitter exes, so sexay.

Dumb: Ben dyi— okay, wait. Not dumb. A very real potential outcome for this story. Honestly, I never thought JJ Abrams meant Kylo to live after he became a patricide. I DIDN’T WANT THAT THOUGH. I wanted Reylo and Reylo wedding dress and Reylo babies on parents’ hips and gahhhhhhh. And yet? This is not a bad death if there had to be death. Unredeemed Kylo Ren = bad death. Stray blaster because sometimes people just die for no reason = bad death. Redeemed Ben who is tried and executed = bad death. But this is a narratively understandable death. Fuck, it would have been really, really hard to have happily ever after with the war criminal/patricide/genocide First Order leader, wouldn’t it’ve? This is the guy who cost the deaths of his father, his uncle, and his mother just to SLOW HIM DOWN, migod. They could have worked around it, yes. As my S.O. says, “there was never gonna be Poe-Finn-Rey-Ben poker night, ‘k?”, but we could have had Ben and Rey go off together, create a new Jedi training temple and never mention the name Kylo Ren again. It. Would. Have. Been. So. Beautiful. But he was redeemed, he was Ben again, he was lovely, he was brokenhearted, he gave his life to save the Jedi Rey who was the woman he loved. AND HE SMILED AND WAS GLAD TO GIVE IT. Oh, my heart. Reylo 4evah.

Okay, the good that was not dumb at all:

-Who said this was paced badly? It was so exciting! What did you want, sitting on couches? There’s a reason the prequels are all but disavowed.

-KYLO STALKER-CHASING REY. Ah ha ha. Oh. Oh my god, every beautiful horrible line of his. “The next time I see you, you will take my hand.” “The only way you’re getting to Exegol is with me.” TAKING THE NECKLACE omigod that was the sexiest moment in the whole goddamn series. I was so expecting him to say, “I’m a NICE GUY, why don’t you want me?” next, ah ha ha. Really, it was just so characteristic of the post-rejected TLJ Kylo that absolutely had to be. He had tried being nice, no, really—“You’re nothing. But not to me.” Ah ha ha, oh, KYLO, you beautiful idiot piece of trash.—now he’s going to turn the screws. And Rey, going for the lightsaber every time to make it a fight because she doesn’t want to talk to his stupid stalker ass. It. Was. Perfect.

-C3P0 not being a prick! He was prissy and annoying and actually funny this time around, but he put away the everpresent dickishness this time. Wow. Best Threepio since...ever, maybe.

-Doing what they could with Leia. I have craved Jedi Leia forever so I’m forgiving what should have actually felt like “too little too late.” And I’m never going to get over her achingly lovely embrace with Rey.

-Han. Han. Han. I don’t even love Han nearly as much as Luke and Leia and I’m still enraptured with this moment. Does everybody get that in TFA, Han walked out on that bridge with his son knowing he was very possibly going to his death? At the hands of his own son? That when Kylo said, “I don’t know if I have the strength to do what I need to,” Han fucking knew that he was warring, that what he wanted to do was kill his father so that he would have committed an act so heinous he could never never go back to the light? That Han knew that? And gave him his life willingly because he was ready to take that chance Kylo would not do it, but also that in killing him it might haunt Kylo and help him turn back later? Han is not an idiot. And he’s that much of a loving father. So when we got to the echo of “...to do what I need to,” it was that turning point that Kylo was at last feeling. YAYYYYY.

-New characters. I liked them! They were engaging and had intriguing presence.

-Rey Skywalker. Okay, some of you hate this. But I’m more than fine with it. The Skywalkers have been the most important people in her life: mother, father, soulmate. Why shouldn’t she claim it and refuse to let the line end with the dead? Though I would have been equally happy with, “Just Rey.”

-Force dyad. You know what that means? That means in TFA when Kylo says, “What girl?” it is subtextually possible that he already knows what girl—the dyad part of him he’s always felt. Ooooooooooooooooh.

-Passing the saber via forcebond. God, I wish I hadn’t been spoiled for that one.

And now, it’s time for:

(Note. I’m not telling you it IS this way. I’m telling you this is my headcanon and I’m sticking to it.)

-So Palpatine’s alive, sort of. In him are the spirits of ten thousand Sith or whatever, which he can wield, but he’s still a walking corpse.

-He’d prefer to possess the body of a great force-user but they’d have to allow it, ritually. Kylo Ren would be good for this, but he could also be a useful ally. Meantime the Jedi Rey presents a threat. Kill her, she’s out of the picture, good enough. He could have her body to possess if he turns her, though.

-So if Kylo Ren finds him, he’ll make an ally of him and tell him to kill Rey.

-If Rey finds him, though, he’ll convince her to turn. How? Rey doesn’t want power. He’ll give her the one unshakeable thing she wants. A family. A lineage. A destiny.

-His “I don’t want to kill you, I want you to kill me,” “you are my granddaughter,” lines are just that: lines. He shows his true colors later when he snarls, “a worthless scavenger cannot inherit the dark side.”

Liar, liar, Mustafar on fire. Her parents were filthy junk traders. Rey of Jakku. Rey Nobody. Rey Skywalker because she adopts it. There’s my truth. Pbbbbbthhtttpbbthhht.

[guardiandae]

how about some cablepool headcanons (im wiggling my eyebrows)

I took some time to think about this, because I’m very bad at headcanons in the sense that my headcanons are either actual canon events and therefore don’t count, or I can’t tell the difference anymore. That said, sorry if some of this contradicts any existing canon, suck it Marvel you ain’t my dad.

Nate wears an apron when he cooks, because it's practical and not at all because it drives Wade nuts.

Wade wears socks in bed (and during sex) because his feet get cold.

Nate prefers not to wear clothes at all (except when he's socially obligated to) but Wade also loves to steal Nate's clothes and wear them, so Nate is torn between 'I don't need this many clothes' and 'I need clothes so I can see Wade wear my clothes'

Wade can recite the entire Bee Movie script involuntarily despite the fact that he's never, as far as he knows, ever seen the movie in his goddamn life.

Nate comes off as 'stoic, joyless bastard' to a lot of other people who do not get him because his sense of humor is mostly dry and morbid wit, delivered with a straight face. Wade is often the only one who not only gets Nate's sense of humor but loses his mind over it. Meanwhile, most people get Wade's jokes, but they choose to ignore him or find him annoying, but Nate not only loves Wade's sense of humor, he shows that love by playing off of Wade's jokes, and the two of them can banter back and forth for ages, which drives any unfortunate bystanders up a wall. See also: flirting.

Nate once almost got arrested for attempting to liberate caged dogs from a puppy mill, because it wasn't considered illegal. The second time, he didn't get caught because Wade helped him out.

Nate and Wade are both banned from almost every fast food restaurant within a 50 mile radius from where they live, but for separate and wildly differing reasons that can (most often than not) both somehow be boiled down to 'causing a scene and threatening the establishment.'

Wade is almost always verbally stimming (making weird noises or sound effects ('Snikt!'), singing and humming to himself, talking about whatever stream of consciousness is in his mind, or just repeating the same word over and over again because he thinks it's neat.) He isn't even aware of how often he's doing this, and most anybody who comes in contact with him for more than ten minutes can't understand how Nate puts up with Wade's constant babbling, but Nate is so used to it, the only thing that bothers him is when it stops for too long.

Nate only pretends to be annoyed by Wade's overwhelming desire and persistent requests to rub him from head to toe with WD-40. The truth is, Wade is ridiculously good with his hands and when Nate is having a bad pain day, a massage really hits the spot. The biggest problem he has with the WD-40 is that he hates the metal parts of himself, and the virus eating away at his body, and he can't reconcile with the idea that Wade finds the metal just as attractive as the rest of him anymore than Wade can believe that Nate really doesn't mind his tumors and scars.

Wade is legitimately one of the smartest people Nate has had the pleasure of knowing, although it takes him a while to fully realize that and appreciate it, because Wade's train of thought usually goes too fast for him to communicate it in any effective way, making whatever he does communicate seem like a maddeningly confusing series of leaps in logic, bordering on psychic premonition, but really it's just because Wade is intuitive as shit and often gets the whole picture before Nate can even put it together.

Nate would absolutely help Wade dispose of a dead body, so long as Wade could look him in the eye and tell him it was for a good reason. He's accepted this and even has several extremely detailed plans ready to go, for various unlikely scenarios (such as, disposing of a dead body in outer space, because this is Wade we’re talking about) but thankfully he's never had to utilize any of his plans.

Nate has gotten into a fistfight with Captain America because he found out that Steve hurt Wade's feelings and he wouldn't apologize for it. Consequently, this is the reason they are both banned from Starbucks.

Wade is also semi-banned from the same Starbucks, but because he once ordered a venti consisting of nothing but espresso shots and sweetener and paid in nickels. The staff were all extremely concerned for his well-being and now politely refuse to sell him anything containing caffeine. 

Wade keeps most of his pouches full of snacks At All Times. Nate also keeps extra snacks for Wade in his pouches, because sometimes Wade forgets he still has food in his (and this is how we get ants!) He also keeps random objects to keep Wade entertained in a pinch, like a slinky, duct tape, and a squish ball.

Usually Nate wakes up first, but when he sleeps in, Wade loves to make him breakfast, even tho his idea of breakfast food is questionable at best. (Porkchops made in the toaster and ham and cheese pancakes anyone?)

Nate is a cuddler.

Wade loves the beauty guru side of youtube, and started his own channel where he applies makeup and falsies onto his mask. Logan once lost a bet and had to appear in a video with Wade and let him give his claws a manicure. He only has 8 subscribers but he thanked all of them with a $10,000 dollar giveaway. Nate was very mad about being behind on rent that month, but it was totally worth it.

[theentiregdtime]

Are you taking prompts beacuse I would love to read about Dennis getting angsty and jelous beacuse Mac is on a date or something(bonus points if he talks to Dee about it, I live for some good ol sibling-bonding) ur writing is wonderful btw💕💕

Mac has a date tonight.

He has a date and Dennis is absolutely livid.

Not that he’s mad about the date itself- no, no, he’s madbecause Mac has been lying to him for the entirety of the past three days.

“Who are you texting?” Dennis had asked him as he typedaway furiously on his phone, completely ignoring the McTiernan film they werewatching. Mac said it was Charlie, but that was suspicious- he was sending fartoo many words for Charlie to read; they almost exclusively communicatedthrough pictures and one-liners. He let it go and ground his teeth, listeningto the maddening sound of Mac’s thumbs tap-tap-tapping against the screen forthe rest of the movie.

The next day, Dennis suggested they try that new Thai place by their apartment for their monthly dinner, and that they should makereservations in advance. He knew Mac didn’t always like to try new restaurants,considering the dinner a holy ritual and not wanting to risk its sanctity, butDennis was floored when he flat-out said he couldn’t come. He’d used thatcautious, sing-song tone, too- and avoided eye contact as he told him he had togo see his mom that night. “It’s the same night every month, Mac, can you notvisit the woman another time? I mean, she doesn’t even like you!” Mac insistedon rescheduling anyways.

And today… today was the apex of it all. Today was thefucking crescendo to the three-day shit symphony. Mac had left his phone in theback office- unattended, for once- and Dennis definitely wasn’t snooping,because he doesn’t care about what Mac gets up to in his spare time. He was simply searching the desk for a marker to prove a point to Charlie about facial symmetry when a text lit up the screen…and it just so happened to catch his eye. It was from someone named Drew with ablack heart next to her name saying their reservation was moved to 7. It allhit Dennis at once- Mac texting nonstop, cancelling their plans, insisting ontaking the night off early- he had a date. He stood up their monthly dinner,their most sacred of traditions, for a goddamn date. He’d slipped out sometime around five-thirty, without somuch as a goodbye, leaving the rest of them to tackle the evening rush understaffed.

Granted, the evening rush consists of about six downtroddenchain smokers and an older couple that frequents to sleep in the booths, butstill!

Dennis leans onto the bar and takes a swig of his beer. Hesnarls in the back of his throat, half because he’s fuming at Mac and halfbecause his drink has gone sickeningly warm.

“Dude, you gotta stop that,” Charlie whines as he cleans chewedgum from underneath the counter, stowing the remnants in his pocket for somereason, “you sound like a dying cat.”

Before he can defend himself, Dee resurfaces with a tray ofempty glasses. She has a couple of crumpled bills sticking out of her pocket,which she uses like seed money, to make it seem as if she’s tippable. It’spathetic.

“Aww,” she teases with a childish sneer on her face, “didsomeone get stood up for their little dinner date?”

Dennis lets a long, exasperated sigh through clenched teeth.“Fuck off, Dee.”

“Whoa,” she replies, still laughing, with mockingly wideeyes. “Someone’s jealous.”

Charlie cuts in. “If you’re, like, lonely or something,Frank and I could come over and watch-”

“No, goddamn it!” Dennis shrieks and throws his hands in theair. “I am not jealous, all right? I do not care with whom Macchooses to consort in his spare time! As a matter of fact, I’m happy to havethe apartment to myself for once. It’s the charades I can’t stand. Theguy comes out of the closet every third Tuesday and goes right back in, gallivantingabout with women like he’s James fucking Bond! I don’t know about you, but Ifor one, am sick and tired of it.”

“Well, maybe it’s not-”

“Why do you care?” Dee talks over Charlie. “If he’shappy straight pride paradin’ around, then I say let him do it.”

“Because it is goddamn ridiculous, Dee!” Dennis counters.He’s been dealing with this for the past twenty years and he’s about reachedhis limit- the bullshit meter is almost to the top of his head- and he has morethan earned the right to be annoyed. “He brings loose women home, flaunts themaround in front of me like I’m to be impressed by his romantic prowess,pretends to enjoy making love to them, and for what? Because he can’t commit tobeing gay? Because a nonexistent god will send lightning down upon him to smitehim? It is absolutely absurd!”

Charlie and Dee share a look, and Dennis doesn’t know what itmeans, but he does know that he wants to hit them both across the facewith one good, honest backhand slap.

“So crash the date! Steal his girl! Ya’ know, cuck him!”Frank, suddenly at the bar and hoisting himself onto a stool, says much tooloudly. Luckily, their weeknight crowd is too busy drowning themselves in theirown sorrows to take notice. “Deandra keeps track of us on her pager.”

“I do not-”

“You stalk our locations, Dee, really?” Dennis questions. “Nowthat is just pathetic.”

“How… How do you do that?” Charlie wonders, starting to patat the back of his neck. “Like, with a chip or…?”

“No, see, what Frank is implying,” he explains, “is thatSweet Dee here watches us on her phone, everywhere we go, so she can livevicariously through us and make believe she has a personal life while she watchesLifetime movies and eats a family-size cheesecake by her lonesome. It’s justsad.”

“Hey, don’t take this out on me, bitch, I’m not the one whostood you up!” Dee yelps in a voice like an irate chihuahua. “Besides, Charlie,I can never see you, anyways.”

“He keeps his phone at home,” Frank says, chewing an oliveopen-mouthed like a horse, “in a bag of rice.”

“Well, maybe if you stopped taking it to the sewers, itwouldn’t get wet,” she suggests.

“Wet? I’m trying to keep it safe! If- If my apartmentgets robbed, they’re not gonna steal a bag of jambalaya!”

“You- You keep it in cooked rice?”

“Would you all shut up?!” Dennis shouts and slams his handsdown on the counter, rattling the empty glasses. He is at his wit’s end, and ifhe has to listen to this conversation a minute longer, his migraine is going topop his eyeballs out of his head. When he speaks again, his voice is level. “Fine.Let’s do it.”

Dee raises an eyebrow. “You want to crash Mac’s date?”

“Yes. Not because I care,” he clarifies, “but becauseI can’t play this game with him anymore. I am going to put a stop to this onceand for all.” Finishing off the last of his beer, he jams a finger in Frank andCharlie’s direction. “You two: no inventions, no possums, no dinner theatre-nothing except bartending and breathing.”

Charlie raises a hand. “What about-”

“No glue-eating contests, either, buddy.”

He puts his arm down with a pout.

“Let’s go, Dee. You’re driving.”

She scoffs in offense. “What? Why am I driving? Whyam I even going?”

“Well, what if they move around? You’re the stalker, I needyou on my team.” Dennis flits a hand around the room, out over their dominionof drunken singles and slumbering elderly. “It’s not as if you’re making tips.”

Besides, he knows she enjoys crap like this. She can pretendshe doesn’t care about the rest of them all she wants, claim she simply wantsto be left alone, but Dennis knows her better than anyone and he knows she likesto be included. He knows she lives for drama.

As expected, she resigns herself with a “fine” and followshim out of the pub.

—–

“Dee, truly, and I mean this from the bottom of my heart…Your music is the goddamn worst.”

They have listened to three Hole songs in a row, all ofwhich are essentially the same song, about scorning men and rejectingthe norms of society- none of which Dee, who bases her self-worth upon ratingsand the male gaze, can relate to in any way. Besides, the guitar sounds likeit’s in a fish tank.

Dennis would have driven himself, but unfortunately, heneeds Dee as his accomplice tonight. 

Plus, it’s good that he doesn’t have to dothis alone. It’s good to have the company… not that he’ll ever say that aloud.

“I’m doing you a favor, you boner,” she replies, but there’sno malice in it. In fact, she kind of sounds like she’s enjoying herself.

Again, Dee is fond of a good revenge plot. What else wouldshe be doing right now, if not for this, anyhow? Impressions of celebrities fortips? A reality TV marathon in her bathrobe? This has to be the height of hersad, lonely, joyless night.

She’s very skilled at the whole vengeance thing, too.Sometimes her schemes shock even Dennis. It’s always been that way, ever sincethey were children. Dee would whip out a notebook and map out a meticulously-plottedrevenge plan while Dennis simply went along for the ride (and chickened out,half of the time, because he didn’t want to upset their mother or get into trouble). That’s something else he won’t tell her out loud, that he’simpressed with- and often disgusted by- her work.

“Well, are we almost there?” he complains, tapping hisfingernail against the door to the growling music and watching pedestriansthrough the window.

Dee glances at her phone. “Chill out, it’s after the nextlight.”

Wait…

Dennis raises his head, casting a suspicious glanceto the GPS, then back to the road in front of them.

“No…” he mutters to himself.

Sure enough, it is.

When they make the turn and pull up outside of therestaurant, it’s the fucking Thai place Dennis told Mac about just yesterday.He stole the idea from him! He’s having dinner, on their night, at a newrestaurant he was fully aware Dennis wanted to try, with some randomfloosy. Dennis should be the floosy! He should be drinking SangSom and eatingcoconut shrimp! He should be there, because it’s their goddamn monthlydinner, it is their night, and Mac wouldn’t have even known this place existedif not for him!

Oh, he is so furious, he could just scratch him…

“That impertinent son of a bitch!”

“Yeah, I kinda thought they’d be at, like, Taco Bell-”

“It’s not that!”

Dennis takes a moment, sighing through pursed lips, steadyinghis rage, then turns to face his sister.

“We were supposed to have dinner here! This wassupposed to be our reservation! Then this Drew woman comes along-”

“Wait, Drew-”

“And soils the entire thing! Our whole rhythm is broken. Wewon’t be able to have a proper dinner for months now, the vibe is all wrong.”

Dee scrunches her face up at him, like she does when he’snot making any sense, but he is making sense, he’s making more sensethan he’s ever made!

“Couldn’t you just do your little bros night out tomorrow?Or the next day?” 

Dennis rolls his eyes. What a ludicrous question.

“It’s not about the schedule, Dee,” he says, waving hishands around wildly, “it’s about the mood. Our dynamic is going to be off untilat least November.”

There’s a moment of silence between them, no sound in thecar but the radio blaring angry chick music.

“So… what if they go on another date?” Dee eventually asks.She looks like she knows she shouldn’t, even before the words leave her mouth.“Like, what if this is a relationship thing?”

Relationship, that’s so ridiculous. This is all alittle scheme to tick Dennis off or get revenge on him for something he’salready forgotten doing, and it’ll be over by the end of the week. He doesn’twish to wait that long, though, so he’s simply ending it tonight. Besides, heshould be the one seeking retribution. He’s the one who was robbed ofhis periodic dining experience.

“This is all a little song-and-dance for Mac to prove onceagain that he’s heterosexual, or perhaps it’s a plot against me, but what it’scertainly not is a relationship.”

Dee’s eyes drift to the crowded restaurant behind him for a beat, then settle on his face, not quite looking directly at him.

“Then why is he here without you, Dennis?”

Because…

Well, perhaps he didn’t expect Dennis to show up duringdinner, but afterwards, he would have surely brought his “date” back to theapartment and made grand theatrics of it.

“Damn it, Dee, I will get to the bottom of this if it takesall night.”

Dennis unbuckles his seatbelt and throws open his door,stomping out onto the sidewalk.

“Yeah, I’m leaving you in an hour, cockmunch.”

—–

Getting past the hostess is easy enough. Dee nearly attemptsto disguise herself as an employee, but that is an awful idea and an absolutewaste of time, so Dennis simply puts on the charm and insists they’re meetingsome business associates. He keeps his head up high and waltzes pastthe booth into the restaurant before the woman can stop him. It’s all about theconfidence. If you look like you know what you’re doing and where you’resupposed to be, no one is sure enough or cares enough about their job to callyou on it.

He keeps a hand on Dee’s shoulder to guide her around beforeshe ends up donning a fake mustache and sneaking in as a waiter. They have toappear as if they know where they’re going, as if they’re with one of thesegroups, so they can’t wander around too much.

Mac will likely be in a booth. Dennis himself preferstables, and always insists they get one (sketchy diners at two in the morningexcluded), but Mac likes booths because he enjoys kicking his feet up andlounging around like he’s on the damned sofa at home. He is a classless savage.

The place isn’t too big, but it’s crowded- it takes them allof six minutes to track Mac down.

And when they do…

“Oh.”

That’s all Dennis can say.

He softens all at once and his shoulders drop, handsstilling at his sides. All of the fight in him goes limp.

Mac…

Mac is on a date.

With a guy.

“Dennis…” Dee says cautiously, reaching out to place a hand onhis back. She’s tentative with him, not like she’s afraid of him or thinks he’llhave an outburst, but like she’s sure if she talks too loudly or touches himtoo solidly, he’ll shatter like breakaway glass. It’s as if she thinks he’s fragile.“I’m sorry.”

Dennis’ unblinking eyes don’t leave Mac’s table. He can’tlook away from the anxious tension in Mac’s shoulders, the playful grin onhis lips, the way his face lights up when he laughs, the way he inches his handacross the table, the way his foot bounces excitedly against the floor…

It’s like watching a horror movie play out in front of him,but instead of a topless woman getting axed in the spine, he’s powerless tostop Mac from falling victim to happiness.

“For what?” he mumbles softly. He’s not sure the words comeout at all.

“I’m sorry that it’s real.”

Real… Please.

He hardly knows this guy. Sure, they’ve been texting backand forth for a couple of days, but that’s nothing compared to twenty years.It’s nothing deserving of standing Dennis up.

It sinks in that Mac cancelled on him for an actual date,and somehow that’s worse than if he’d paid a sex worker to spend the eveningwith him. It feels like a Shakespearean betrayal and stupid Drewbreaking a spring roll in half and passing Mac the rest is the blade against Dennis’ throat.

He tries feeling nothing and it doesn’t work. He triesrage and it doesn’t quite fit, either. He settles on jealousy and it’s like a glove.

A newfound wave of determination washes over him as heremembers himself and turns to Dee.

“I can still ruin this,” he decides, knowing he can still seduceMac’s date if he has to. Oh, no one has any idea how far he’ll go for revenge.

Dee takes a good, long look at the two of them laughingabout something on a chili sauce bottle like they’ve known each other foryears.

“Okay, but… why?”

Dennis tries to find a reason, but they’re all gone now.Everything he preached earlier on how this was about denial and cowardice andstagecraft… It’s all off the table. He racks his brain for a reason why thisburns at him so hotly, why he still wants to crash this, why he still wants todestroy it for Mac right in front of him, and settles on the inconvenience ofit.

“Because it’s going to be even worse. Mac pretending tosleep with a woman for a couple of nights is one thing, but having arelationship? Bringing a date back to our apartment? Letting him use ourshower? Having to hear about this man, day and night? I will not be a part ofthat, Dee.”

“So, just to clarify, Mac is never allowed to have arelationship as long as he lives with you?”

Dennis nods. “That’s the idea.”

“Sure, that’s fine, that’s healthy. That’s a perfectlynormal way for a grown man to think. Nothing weird about that at all.”

“Just shut up and follow me.”

He starts off towards the table before Dee can protest.Thankfully, she falls into step behind him instead of making a scene andblowing the entire thing.

By the time Mac’s date has noticed him, Dennis is faking awide, friendly grin that he’s certain looks charming, and not at alllike an enraged chimp suppressing its rage.

“What a coincidence!” he exclaims, struggling to maintain hishoney-sweet cadence.

Mac jumps at the sound of his voice as if it were arattlesnake’s hiss. His fight or flight response seems to activate before heeven looks at Dennis- muscles tensing, hands squirming, eyes going wide, breathcatching. When he cranes his neck to meet Dennis’ gaze, he’s making a face likehe’s been caught stealing.

It’s fitting, he supposes. He did steal something. Hestole the pleasure of their monthly dinner right out from under Dennis, stolethe music and the dark liquor and the conversation and the rice noodles andoffered it all up to somebody else, to some absolute stranger. He shouldbe mortified.

“I…” is all that escapes his dumb, floundering mouth.

Dennis takes the liberty of explaining for Drew’s sake.

“My sister and I just happened to be having dinner with somefriends,” -he gestures to no table in particular- “and who do we see?” Claspinghis hands together, he turns to Mac with less of a smile than a warning snarl.“Won’t you introduce us, Mac?’

“This is…” -Mac clears his throat, eyes darting between thethree of them, looking for a way out but finding none- “my date.”

“Drew,”’ the man says, clearly confused but holding out hishand regardless.

Dennis takes it and squeezes tight as he shakes, really putshis shoulder into it. A handshake says a lot about a man, a lot about histrustworthiness and virility and how much power he can generate, and Dennis hassomething to prove.

He doesn’t see what all the fuss has been about, these past fewdays. The guy is nothing to text home about. Sure, he’s passable, perhaps evenconventionally attractive, but his smile is too gummy, his jawline is toodefined, his toned arms are all deltoid and no bicep, and what is he wearing? Acheckered shirt? In a Thai restaurant? Any self-respecting man would know thepatterns clash.

“Dennis Reynolds. I own the bar Mac works at, which surely,he’s told you much about.” He rests a hand on Mac’s shoulder, who startles athis touch. “I also own our apartment. And our bank account. And our car. But…”-he chuckles, humorless, and it immediately fades into a straight stare-“mostly the bar.”

“He’s my… roommate,” Mac mumbles sheepishly.

Drew squints at him for a second, then pointsin Dee’s direction. “And you are?”

“Hungry,” she jokes, snorting in laughter at herself,and Dennis boils a little inside. Before he can say anything else, her talonsare in his arm, spinning him in the opposite direction. “We should be gettingback to our meal. You guys enjoy your date, or whatever people say.”

Dennis tries to stand his ground, but Dee’s fingernails inhis flesh are so painful that it takes all of his strength to keep from screaming.She drags him into an empty booth before he can stop her.

“What the hell?” he whispers through gritted teeth. “Whatare you doing, Dee?’

“You’re being a real dick wart, Dennis,” she chastises him.“Look, I know you want to throw your little trust fund fuckboy alpha maletantrum, but you’re freaking Mac out. I mean, look at him.”

Dee gestures towards Mac, who is still watching them acrossthe restaurant, eyes like a deer in the headlights, as his date talks to theside of his head.

“Besides, I thought you were gonna do the cucking thing. Youwere acting like Mac’s husband or some shit.”

“I was not,” Dennis insists and cups his handstogether. “I told no lies. I was simply emasculating Mac in front of his date.I mean, who wants to have dinner with a man who can’t drive himself or controlhis own finances?’

Dee narrows her eyes and rolls her teeth over her lip,analyzing him like she’s not sure he’s serious.

“Um, you?”

“Wh-” He scoffs in disbelief. How incredulous of her, thoseare two completely different types of dinners. “I am not-”

Before he can say something for himself, a waitress is atthe end of their table. She looks perplexed, presumably wondering why theyhaven’t been served yet, but retains the smile on her face.

“Do you guys need anything to drink, or…?”

“Can you not see that we’re having a conversation?!” Dennissnaps.

“Yeah, bitch, we’ll get drinks when we’re good and ready!”Dee backs him up.

The waitress rolls her eyes and walks away.

“I mean, it’s fucking rude.”

“Completely unacceptable.”

“She saw us talkingand she just waltzed right up like she was part of it!”

“I’m sorry, Dee, I had no idea the service here was soterrible.”

Dee frowns and glances at the kitchen door the womandisappeared behind.

“I kinda do want a drink, though,” she says.

“Yeah, I’m pretty thirsty…”

It’s quiet for a minute. There are forks scraping and platesclattering and incessant, mindless chatter all around them, but it’s quiet attheir table. Dee picks at the finishing on the glass with her fingernail,peeling it off. Dennis watches the pieces flick onto the floor and wonders whathe’s going to do if this is a long-term situation, if he has to live inproximity to this weak-handshaked stranger all the time, has to tolerate himday in and day out. The thought of having someone digging through he and Mac’sfridge, using their bathroom, taking up space on their couch… it’s annoying.

The thought of that person sharing a bed with Mac, eatingout of the same bowl of popcorn as him, wrapping a hand thoughtlessly aroundhis waist in the kitchen while he makes coffee, kissing him on the cheek asthey cuddle under a blanket…

Annoying isn’t the right word for the way those things feel.They don’t sting at his nerves and tense his muscles like annoying things do.Instead, the mental image sits at the pit of Dennis’ stomach with everythingelse he’s buried over the course of his life. It’s a different animal entirely.It’s…

He doesn’t know why, but it feels like losing a sure handhe’s bet all his chips on.

“You want me to take you home?”

Dennis observes Mac, who still looks nervous, but has fallenback into the swing of his conversation.

“No,” he mumbles.

Dee lets out a short, resigned sigh.

“You want to be fuck up his date?” she offers.

Drew (stupid name for a guy, by the way, just commit to thefull Andrew) rests a hand on Mac’s arm and Dennis’ stomach collapses intoitself like a house of cards.

“Thought you were doing the high road thing,” he answers, “youknow, like a superior bitch.”

She huffs through her nose like a bull, but the loud, enragedresponse never comes. Instead, her voice is gentle, as if breathing on ahair trigger.

“I didn’t realize what this was about,” she says.

Dennis raises and eyebrow and turns back to her, slowlytrying to process what the hell she’s referring to. He can’t figure it out, andhe can’t think of a way to twist it into an insult, either, so he just stares.

“Don’t look at me like that, you skid mark,” Dee spits,sounding a little more like herself. “I’m not having this fight with you again.Look, here’s what you do…”

—–

Ding ding ding ding!

Dennis taps a knife against a wine glass, both of which he’sswiped from an unobservant old couple, and the tinny sound echoes through therestaurant until everyone in the room falls silent.

Mac is looking at him like he’s got a bomb strapped to hischest. The fear and embarrassment in his eyes is almost humiliating enough torectify this entire situation- almost, but not enough.

He clears his throat.

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m standing here tonight because… Imade a mistake. And I want to fix it.”

Dennis smiles at Mac, who gawks nervously at him. He putsthe sweetest, sappiest, cheesiest look on his face that he can muster, justknowing everyone in the room is going to fall for it immediately. He’s got a knackfor manipulating people.

“Mac, baby…”

Mac’s eyebrows shoot up into his hair.

“I know I told you I wanted to see other people, but… I’verealized something, in the last three days. I only want to see you- forthe rest of my life.”

He earns a couple of aww’s and affectionate hums fromthe restaurant patrons. Stupid, stupid, stupid people. They don’t even know himand they’re already convinced he’s in love with Mac. He’s a much better actorthan Dee is, and he would shove that in her face, if she hadn’t been the one tocome up with this plan.

“Look, I know I messed up, but… I’m not afraid anymore, Mac.I know how I feel. And I know you came here with Chad, and I know what you’regonna say, and I know I don’t have a ring…”

Mac’s got his face in his hand, and Drew looks absolutely appalled.No matter what he answers, no matter how this plays out, this date isdefinitely destroyed.

“But I’d marry you with this.”

Dennis snatches a ring-shaped onion slice from a woman’s salad,and she simply sits there and lets him, because she’s that enthralledwith his speech. He makes sure to grind it good and hard between his fingersbefore setting it back down- he’s going to need that.

“Because none of that matters.” He pretends to take amoment, burying his face in his hand and digging his oniony fingers into hiseyes. When he feels them start to tingle, feels a tear drip down his cheek, helowers his hand and sniffles. “What matters is you, man.”

A few more aww’s are whispered, and Dennis feelsquite pleased with his exceptional performance.

“Jesus Christ, Dennis.” Mac turns back to his dateand reaches out for him. “This isn’t-”

“No, you know what? Go ahead.” Drew scoots his chair backand stands to his feet, tossing the napkin from his lap onto the table. “I sawthe way you two looked at each other.”

Clearly, that statement has no basis in fact, but it worksto Dennis’ advantage, so he’ll take it. Before Mac can even stammer out a syllable, his date has abscondedand stormed out of the restaurant.

“Dennis-”

“Mac, listen…”

Dennis crouches down in front of him and takes his hands,all of the tears in his voice gone as he whispers to him.

“They’re going to give us free dessert.”

Mac stops glaring daggers at him, and the tension in hismuscles relaxes. His hands go limp under Dennis’ as he scans him over,observing the streaks of foundation he no doubt has on his cheeks.

“Fine, asshole,” he answers loudly enough for the entiredead-silent restaurant to hear.

A few scattered people begin slow clapping, unsure as towhether or not that’s a positive response. Dennis makes quick work of slickinghis thumb across his eyes and eliciting a few more crocodile tears.

“He said yes!”

The restaurant erupts in applause as Mac shoots him a deathstare so hard he might pop a blood vessel.

—–

“There’s too much coconut.”

“That’s the entire purpose of the cake, Mac. Do you claimthere’s too much chocolate in a brownie, as well?”

“I’m just saying, it’s like suntan lotion.”

Mac swallows and sets his fork down, gaze focused on thetable. He leans onto it and rests his chin in his hand.

Before Dennis can suggest they get a tub of ice cream fromthe store instead, Mac mumbles into his palm.

“I know you’re uncomfortable.”

Dennis is thrown off guard by that.

“Well, I suppose the chair could use a cushion, but otherthan that-”

“No,” he grumbles. “About the date.”

Dennis? Uncomfortable? Over something so banal as Mac datinga guy? To accuse him of that, when he has always been perfectlytolerant, and Mac has been the one pointing fingers and throwing stonesin glass houses and proclaiming his condemnation of gay relationships from the steeples-it’s downright rude.

“I am not-”

“I can tell, dude!” Mac yells, finally sitting up andlooking Dennis in the eyes like a man. “You were uncomfortable earlier and you’reuncomfortable right now.”

Right now? He is merely trying to eat his free pandan cakein peace!

“Mac, I’ve always known you’re-”

“I’m not- I was just- I was trying something outand…” He gives up on whatever moronic protest he was going to attempt and,instead, lets his head fall face-first onto the table. A childish groan bubblesup from his throat. “Why did you follow me here?”

Dennis lets out a long breath and prepares himselfto say what he’s about to say.

“Look, Mac…”

Mac’s still got his head down, but he’s adjusted hisposition to gaze up at Dennis. This would actually probably be easier if heweren’t, though.

“When you cancelled our monthly dinner, I felt like Iwasn’t-”

“Are you done yet?”

Dee’s standing at the end of their table expectantly, tappingher foot and slugging down the last of a beer. “You better be in the car in thenext five minutes or you two shit socks are walking home.”

He glances to Mac and mumbles, “She smells like asock…”

For a second, Mac smiles and snort-laughs, until heremembers he’s supposed to be upset and his face falls again.

Dee’s freakishly strong hands slam the empty bottle down,with enough pressure to put a crack in the tabletop. “You know what? Fine. I’mleaving. You two deserve each other.”

Before she gets even five steps away, Mac shouts after her.

“Yeah, go listen to your stupid music in your dumb car!”

Dennis chuckles under his breath. “Her music isstupid.”

He reminds himself to thank her later, nonetheless. She canbe a half-decent sister on occasion. Sure, he owes her an apartment cleaning inexchange for the engagement idea, but still- nice of her to accompany himtonight.

“Sorry, Dennis, what were you gonna say?”

When you cancelled our monthly dinner, I felt like Iwasn’t as important to you as your date. I felt like you threw away years oftradition for some fool you barely knew. You’ve been on your phone all the timeand movies aren’t as fun without your commentary. You’re my best friend and Ihad to share you and it really sucked. And we don’t have to talk about the gaything if you don’t want to, but if you do, we’ll go get some ice cream and we’lltalk about it.

Dennis chooses to shorten it.

“You want to go get ice cream?”

Mac shrugs and agrees to the idea, on the condition thatthere’s no coconut involved.

The walk home isn’t too long, even with the trip to theconvenience store. They don’t talk much, but it isn’t uncomfortable. Sure, theycan chat for hours if left to their own devices, but when it’s just the two ofthem… it’s perfectly comfortable to say nothing, too.

Mac wraps his coat around Dennis’ shoulders when it getscold.  He buries his hands in thepockets, where an energy bar rustles around in there. He knew Mac would never reallytake a chance on a new restaurant- the guy likes to play it safe.

He reminds himself that this is all for the best, for Mac.He needs Dennis. He relies on him for guidance and money andtransportation (present situation excluded) and basically everything in hislife. It’s good that he didn’t end up putting that pressure on somebody else.It’s good that nobody else is going to watch TV on their couch and eat straightout of their ice cream tub and dangle their legs over Mac’s lap. That wouldhave been annoying.

Yeah, Dennis reassures himself as he watches Maccarry the grocery bags and makes himself comfortable in his jacket, Macneeds him.

[black-klok-youth-pastor]

Oh wow so edgy 😑

Recently had this one idea for the movie that if the time skip is in real time (ie ten years) then we have Dethklok having the awkward revelation that they’ve been active for so long that the oldest among Skwisgaar’s daughters are old enough to be their groupies a la the BoJack Horseman episode “Mr Peanutbutter’s Halloween Boos” where the age gap between him and his girlfriends gets progressively wider because he hasn’t really aged mentally . Then my train of thought lead to this brief subplot (as in the first ten minutes then it cones back in much later during a crucial plot point ie during a climatic battle scene) where Skwisgaar tries to bond with some of his daughters after getting an audience with him under the false pretense of them being groupies but aside from that awkward as hell introduction it’s surprisingly wholesome even if it still leads to the band overall having a lowkey midlife crisis at that revelation.

[ginger-snap-talkin-nonsense]

Why the hell does "diversifying your media diet" mean hating basically fucking everything made within basically the past 15-20 goddamn YEARS to you Ginger?? I'm really fucking trying here, but pretty much EVERYTHING new that's been released within the past two DECADES gets thrown into your joyless goddamn cesspool of soul-sucking myopia. Kind of fucking hard to "find more things to like" (by your standards anyways), when basically ANYTHING that’s been made (seemingly) since you were a teenager and just REFUSED to goddamn grow up anymore. Is absolutely despised and TORN APART by you for (as far as I can tell) the most utterly arbitrary crap fucking EVER!!! 

From hating stories because they were made/written by LGBTQ+ artists, to because they obviously fucking fit into an EXTREMELY broad and overgeneralized genre type, to because they didn’t pander to whatever bizarre/media illiterate standards you claim to fucking have from DAY TO DAY. I find it utterly SHOCKING you’ve been able to more than FIVE fucking shows/movies over the course of your ENTIRE misery wallowing life up to this goddamn point. Let alone that you demand other people to do the POLAR fucking opposite of what you’ve done your entire life. And actually ENJOY media outside of painfully myopic, joyless goddamn standards, rather rejecting it based on the most fucking idiotic and hyper-specific standards that NO creator could possibly ever hope to fucking meet!!!

(Without just consulting you personally on every goddamn decision that they make. And essentially ending up just making an inherently repulsive/alienating story that would appeal to you and you ALONE, that is)

You know I normally just throw a random jpeg up and don’t bother paying this any more kind but for the sake of all of the people who haven’t gone through my letterboxd yet here’s a short list of some movies I gave 5 stars released from the years 2014-2024

Bear in mind this is only a fraction of what I’ve seen and I didn’t include any 4 star films or everything I’ve specifically “liked” from this era. Just the 5 star knock outs that go above and beyond the high standard.

[minaminokyoko]

How about favourite captain America movies scenes?

WELL YOU ASKED FOR IT PAL.

The First Avenger

-Steve at the movie theater, telling that douche to shut up and getting his little ass kicked for his trouble. Oh, Steve. Goddammit, Steve. You are too pure and good and wonderful for all of us. I like that it’s both a good quality trait and a weakness for Steve that he can’t abide bullies and he’ll stand up to anyone even if all it means is he’ll just get the stuffing beaten out of him. Plus, Bucky stepping up to help his idiot best friend is so heartwarming it’s insane. I love that Bucky is just fucking used to Steve getting himself beaten up because he stands up to shitty men. That’s best friends for you. 

-Peggy punching the bejeezus out of Whatshisface in the troops’ first scene together. Oh, dear Lord. Where do I start? First, her telling him to step forward. Second, the completely placid look before she does it. Third, the fact that she puts his bitch ass on the ground no trouble. Fourth, Steve’s appreciative smile. Fifth, the General not even blinking that she flattened that douche. It’s just brilliant.

-Steve jumping on the grenade. Standing ovation. Steve is too good and too pure a cinnamon roll for any of us.

- “Not a perfect soldier, but a good man.” This is the heart and soul of Captain America and Steve Rogers and I cannot stress enough how this is honestly probably my favorite scene of the movie. We follow this guy not because of the strength of his body, but the strength of his heart. Steve has all the heart.

-Bucky and Steve being reunited. The best bros just knock it out of the park. 

-Peggy’s reaction to Steve returning with all the captured soldiers. Seriously, it is the most NC-17 thing I’ve ever seen in a PG-13 movie. That smile Steve gives her and the smile she gives him right back is 100% code for “if we weren’t in the middle of this camp right now, I would tear your clothes off and fuck you to Jupiter and back.” It’s such a pure, awesome moment of sexual tension, and it’s done in such a classy way. I love that scene to death. They eye-fucked the shit out of each other and I adore the overwhelming yet subtle acknowledgement of what’s going on between them.

-Steve having a picture of Peggy in his pocket watch, and the fact that Peggy sees this during the little film montage. I want to scream. I LOVED the General giving her an amused side eye but not actually saying anything. It was a wonderful little nod to Steve’s reciprocated feelings for her. 

-Steve and Peggy’s kiss. Whyyyyyyyyyyy, Lord? Whyyyyyyyyyy? Why didn’t they get more time together?! They were so fucking cute and I know if they’d have gotten together, it’d have been amazing and wonderful and they would have been so happy. Dammit.

The Winter Soldier

Disclaimer: Legit, The Winter Soldier is arguably one of the best comic book movies ever made and it is taking so much restraint for me not to list the entire goddamn film as my favorite scene, because I love it from end to end. Gun to my head, I’d say my Top 3 MCU films would be this, Ragnarok, and either Avengers 1 or Avengers 3. It’s really hard to pick out scenes in a perfect movie.

-Sam and Steve’s introduction to each other. The sheer chemistry here is stellar. I was in stitches that Steve Rogers was just okay with teasing a total fucking stranger for no reason other than just lolz. I love that TWS starts out reminding us that Steve isn’t some humorless do gooder. He has a great sense of humor and he’s just a friendly guy in general, so they couldn’t have picked a better scenario to introduce their dynamic. I adore that opening scene, man.

-Taking back the ship. Fuck, dude. Talk about one of the best executed action scenes in the MCU. Everything from Cap racing around just laying those fucking dudes out on his own to Nat popping in to the absolutely genius execution of Cap vs. Batroc. Oh, if a film scene could get me pregnant, it’d be that one, man. I fucking love that entire damn sequence.

-Nick Fury vs. Hydra. I appreciate this simply because we saw some badass Nick Fury in Avengers, but this was a delightful addition to remind us that the man is the head of SHIELD for a reason. He is NOT to be fucked with. He is a very capable agent and held his own and it was awesome.

-The elevator fight scene. ‘Nuff said.

-Natasha confronting Steve with the flash drive. So this was the first moment where I knew I was going to ship Captasha/Romanogers until the end of time, regardless of the canon. I loved this interaction. Steve is frustrated and suspicious, and so is Nat, but they both find a common ground and realize neither one is actually the enemy. I especially love: “Bye bye, bikinis.” “Yeah, I bet you look terrible in ‘em now.” That snark tho. Cap is flawless, and there is a healthy dollop of sexual tension delightfully overlaid with this scene of him backing her up against a wall and then her showing some skin. Yas lawd. 

-Steve and Nat undercover at the mall. Not only is it just funny as hell and delightfully awkward, but it really shows off the great chemistry between the two of them. You’d think that with them being polar opposites that they’d butt heads, but they actually just complement each other extremely fucking well. Then there’s the exquisite escalator kiss. I mean, mm, did that look yummy. Even Steve comes out of it like, “well, damn.”

-The car conversation on the way to Jersey. I think that I would’ve only liked this movie, not loved it, if Nat hadn’t been there. I think Nat’s presence is what helped make this one of the MCU’s best films period. The honesty between them as they have probably one of their first real conversations getting to know each other is amazing. I adore this scene. I adore seeing them bond. “That’s a tough way to live.” “Good way not to die, though.” I think that is one of the best lines in the whole MCU, personally. 

-Recovering at Sam’s place. First off, the two of them sharing the guest room and bathroom says a whole lot of shit right there. It’s an implied intimacy. Then Cap walking over and just knowing in his gut that Nat isn’t okay, and just gently, gently asking her what’s wrong is so important to both of their characters. You get to see them go from coworkers to friends and from friends to good friends in such an amazingly short period of time that it’s so heartwarming. Evans and Johansson have worked on several films together, and this is definitely one of those things where they just play off each other so well from being friends in real life. I love the inflections. I love the close up on their expressions. I love how Steve is able to get Nat to lower her walls and just talk to him about how she’s feeling, and how she sincerely thanks him, and how she’s even a little scared when she asks “if it were down to me to save your life, and you be honest with me, would you trust me to do it?” and Steve emphatically answers, “I would now” and then smiles at her so sweetly and makes a little joke. I just…my heart, man. My heart. Steve and Nat’s relationship is possibly my favorite out of all the Avengers, and I should note that Chris Evans ships it and I am really happy about that fact.

-The Winter Soldier’s attack. Flawless. This fucking sequence is flawless. Getting to see everyone’s skills on display, and then capped with the emotional realization from Steve that his best friend is not only alive, but has been brainwashed and is trying to kill them, is just so great. Huge, huge kudos to Evans, Stan, Mackie, and Johansson as well as their stunt team and the choreographers, because it’s some of the most gorgeous, polished action I’ve ever laid eyes on. Especially Evans and Stan’s fight. Wow, that could not have been easy and it’s all them when there are close ups during the knife fight. I really appreciate them going HAM on that shit. It turned out beautifully.

-“But I knew him.” Yep. Let me die. Just let me die. Poor tortured Bucky’s memories surfacing at the sight of his best friend saying his name just tears me up inside. Ugh. Bury me. 

-Cap remembering Bucky’s words after his mother’s funeral. Bury me again.

-Cap’s speech to SHIELD after they arrive at the HQ. Hnnnnnnngh. I would die for Steve Rogers. Without question. This speech is why. He knows that he might die trying to stop Hydra, but he gives those people the choice to do what’s right at great cost, and he believes that they will do the right thing, and he’s absolutely right. I had mentioned years ago that this is why the DCEU’s current Superman has failed; that trait, believing in people despite evidence pointing to the opposite, is what make Cap and Superman two American icons. This is why we rally behind them as characters. Because they believe in us and they believe we are worth protecting. It’s a fucking shame the DCEU writers don’t understand that and have forced a decent actor like Henry Cavill to be a morose, joyless, brooding Superman, and don’t even try to tell me they “fixed” him in the JLA movie, because they retconned it and thought that did the trick, and they were wrong. What Cap said in that speech is precisely why he is as great a man as we’ve all come to love over the years. It’s nothing short of incredible.

-The entire ending helicarrier sequence. Good to the last fucking drop, man. Everything about it is flawless. Especially “You’re my mission!” “Then finish it. ‘Cause I’m with you ‘til the end of the line.” Cue me screaming and crying and clawing down my curtains. Bucky pulling Steve from the river turns me into an absolute wreck of emotions. 

Civil War

-Cap consoling Wanda after the bullshit news report. Man, fuck the whole ass world for that reaction, by the way. Wanda saved that entire marketplace full of people, but she still got blamed for intervening anyway, and we know Crossbones would’ve killed countless people if they hadn’t stopped him, so you can all fuck off. But what I really like about this scene is Cap’s almost fatherly concern for her, knowing she was still recovering from the pain of losing her twin brother not too long ago. He understands the loss and the pain she feels and knows that she has doubts about herself and he’s there to assure her he doesn’t blame her, if that is any consolation. Cap is so conscious of her needs and emotions that it’s extremely touching to see, even though the scene is brief.

-The team going over the Accords and choosing sides. This was very well done, as everyone’s reactions are very interesting. I personally don’t see how the hell anyone could be Team Iron Man, but that’s just me. I at least like that Tony’s actions are justified in that he has been trying so hard this whole time to do the right thing, but it feels like the harder he tries, the more awful things become until he’s left with no good choices at all. I feel for him. So much. I feel for Cap as well knowing that about Tony and yet being unyielding in his feelings about the Accords.

-Nat comforting Steve at Peggy’s funeral. Cue gross sobbing. Damn, this is why I ship Captasha so hard. She tells him that she’s pretty much going along with the Accords for the sake of keeping their little family together if possible, and Steve sadly tells her he can’t do it, but she already knows, and she’s just there to support him. That’s love. You can debate if it’s platonic or romantic, but that scene is just pure love between Nat and Steve. She is there for no other reason than to hug her friend and check on him and make sure he knows he is not alone in this awful time in his life. It’s by far one of the most touching scenes in the entire MCU. 

-The death of T’Chaka. Oh my God. Give Chadwick Boseman all the awards. How did we become that emotionally attached to him in such a short amount of time? Wow. I mean, wow, was that powerfully acted. 

-Nat warning Steve not to intervene. Again, you can’t tell me these two people don’t love each other. She’s so worried about him, and even Sam acknowledges that she’s not wrong to want them to stay out of it since they’ll now get arrested. 

-Everyone chasing after Bucky. Hnnnnnngh, yes please, this shit was awesome. Especially Cap and T’Challa racing over moving fucking cars and Bucky snatching that motorcycle mid-air. I love that scene with all my heart and soul.

-”So, you like cats?”

-Bucky’s escape. Seriously, the Winter Soldier is not to be trifled with. Holy hell, does he put everyone through their paces.

-Tony recruiting Peter Parker. And now we have it, the shining crown jewel of Tony Stark’s development as a character, in the form of a tiny adorable baby he adopts to fight a ninety year old veteran. I know, right? I never expected that Tony recruiting Parker would be anything like what we got and yet it’s by far one of my favorite relationships in the MCU. It’s so genuinely cute and sweet and the word choice during that scene in Parker’s room is very important from a character standpoint. “When you can do what I can do, but you don’t, and then the bad things happen…they happen because of you.” Without saying it out loud, they were able to convey what happened to Uncle Ben, and that’s really good storytelling, man. You see this kid is hurt and blames himself and he will do anything to make up for his sins. Tony is even touched by it. Plus, the humor in that scene is awesome and it’s so warm and evident that RDJ and Tom Holland really got along and had chemistry.

-Recruiting Scott Lang. It’s so brief, but that fucking scene puts me in stitches every time, especially Paul Rudd’s improv of grabbing Chris Evans’ shoulders when he sees just how goddamn built and cut the man is. I thought that was genius. It’s so perfect.

-”Can you move your seat up?” “No.”

-The airport fight scene. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. This is so good. For so many reasons. How it’s staged. How it starts off quiet and it slowly builds tension. How Tony is so hurt that Cap appears to be choosing Bucky over him, how Cap is protecting him, how Tony absolutely doesn’t want to fight his friend and yet they are on opposite sides anyway. “You’re gonna come with us because it’s us.” The utter desperation in Tony’s eyes when he almost begs Cap to turn himself in is so heartbreaking. It kills me, man. Emotions aside, I simply love all the fights and the various match ups. Especially Spidey versus Bucky and Sam (”Couldn’t you have done that earlier?” “I hate you.”) and Spidey versus Cap (”That thing does not obey that laws of physics at all!”) and Spidey versus Ant Man. It’s all so glorious.

-Nat stopping T’Challa from getting to Bucky and Steve. It’s raining on my face. “You’re not gonna stop.” “You know I can’t.” “I’m gonna regret this. Go.” It’s so important. It’s so important, y’all. Nat chose Steve when it mattered most and I ship them until my dying breath.

-“Vengeance has consumed you. It is consuming them.” All the awards, Chadwick. All the motherfucking awards. 

-The final scene of Steve walking up to Sam’s cell. There’s just something about the playful confidence and determination in his expression that despite how sad the ending is that Tony and Cap are no longer on speaking terms that it gives you just a tiny flicker of hope that maybe things will be okay for Team Cap. 

Well, there you go. Cap and Thor are currently tied for the top spot in my heart of Favorite Avenger, hence all the word vomit. Sorry, not sorry. 

[thetygre]

11 Question Tag Thing

Always post these rules

Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you

Write 11 questions of your own

Tag 11 people

Digging through the Like mines unearthed this dark and terrible ancient tag post, buried away when it was bestowed upon me by @invokingbees. Now it has been unleashed.

1. What would be your mighty, majestic and magical wizard name?

Arthax the Everlasting, Binder of the Ninth Circle, Master Weaver of the Flesh Vats, Arch-Hierophant of Oblivion, Keeper of the Dark Gods, Infernomancer Regis, Minor in Draconology from Sigil Community U.

2. Telekinesis or Telepathy?

Telekinesis. Telepathy with would just be horrible; Lord only knows what you might yell at someone or hear them thinking on accident.

3. Three best pizza toppings

Meatballs, sausage, and black olives.

4. Choose a superpower that does ONE THING (so no omnipotence crap, you can only fly, shoot eye lasers, control fire, gravity, etc. but only one thing). Got it? Now describe how you’d defeat someone who can stop time.

Mind control. Make them forget how to use time stop. Failing that, invisibility. Just kind of wait for things to blow over...

5. Coke or Pepsi or neither?

Coke, definitely.

6. If you found it, would you use the Monkey’s Paw?

I am constantly using a Monkey’s Paw. I keep trying to throw it away and it just keeps showing back up. I thought I got rid of it after I wished for Toonami to come back and then it started producing two new FLCL series. But then one day I was like, “I wish there was a new Berserk series.” and then I heard an ominous creaking and I looked down in my hand and there was the Monkey’s Paw, curling a finger. It is actively following me. Please someone send help.

7. (up to three) Favourite Horror Film(s)

The VVitch

The Thing

Nosferatu

8. Would you rather rule the world yourself or be a highly respected second in command

Second-in-command. It’s harder to blame an entire committee than one person when things go south.

9. One song you flawlessly know by heart

A Song About an Anglerfish. If I ever learned to play guitar, I would want it to be the first thing I memorized on that too.

10. What is just the worst goddamn movie you’ve ever seen?

Julie and Julia. My aunt and my mom wanted to watch it because they had heard good things. We were all bored out of our skulls, but we didn’t know it. Like, none of us were enjoying this boring, joyless movie, but we didn’t say anything because we didn’t want to offend anyone else in the room. I thought they wanted to watch it, my aunt thought my mom wanted to watch it, my mom thought my aunt wanted to watch it, and they were honestly expecting me to leave the room at any moment; you get the picture. When it was over we all confessed that we were bored and laughed at ourselves about it, so there’s that.

11. How POWERFUL are you?

Alright, now for my eleven questions.

1. What’s the best worst movie you’ve ever seen?

2. Favorite pasta?

3. What is a corporate corruption scheme that you have supported with your money?

4. What video(s) do you watch when you need to laugh?

5. Favorite mythological character?

6. Talk to animals or be able to turn into a plant?

7. What is a video game that you actively decided to stop playing?

8. A good habit that you want to take up?

9. Your favorite disease?

10. What RPG class would you describe yourself as?

11. A flight of dragons or a small starship?

And I’m tagging @thedrunkeneldergod, @zombieheroine, @queen-squids, @thisragingpeace, @magnolia-eclair, @igotofetchthesun, @ganongod, @darealspaceburrito, @mr-argh, @cavedraconem, @pleasedontbedeath

[aperfecttimeforscreaming]

Chapter 7

So the Terminator and his cool teens head to the lab where Dr.Cho is losing her marbles over how much she goddamn loves science. They have her anylize the stolen enchanted staff.

Dont remember if this was in the movie BUT Wanda is able to see into ultrons mind as his mind is being downloaded into a body made of snazzy alien wetware technology, and i like the little touch of showing inside of her head. What the distopia of everyone 100% safe (and fake happy) would be like. Artless and joyless and packed to the brim wit security and order. Pretty much exactly what you'd expect from a robot.

This goes exactly as well as you would suspect. Cant say much without giving away spoilers but I will say this: 

NOOO!! SCIENCE WOMAN!!!! 

Im really enjoying the depth this retelling has so far and its handling of female characters as aaaactual fucking people (even going far as to add more female characters? Shit this train just doesnt stop.) However  this is definitely the last chapter i can handle tonight. More to come tomorrow! Till then, have a lovely evening everyone. 

[beatlenumber9]

Just saw Wonder Woman last night. HOLY SHIT, go see this movie!

Boy has the DC cinematic universe been pretty sucky (at least for me). After the likes of Batman V. Superman and Suicide Squad, I was ready for Wonder Woman to somehow disappoint me too. As excited as I was to see it, I knew Warner Bros. had to do something to fuck it up, like they did with the last DC movies… But they didn’t! This was an awesome fucking movie!

Gal Gadot really sells it as Wonder Woman for me, the action is great (if not a little CGI heavy at the end), I didn’t always know where the story was going, and the supporting cast is surprisingly diverse and all do a great job. There are a lot of dark moments, but they actually serve a purpose, and there’s enough light-hearted, and quiet moments to balance it out.

But there’s a specific reason I love this movie, that I want to talk about. The last few DC movies haven’t just been dark (both tone wise and lighting wise), but they’ve been bleak. That’s the main reason I absolutely hated BvS, and my main problem with Man of Steel, they’re both so goddamn joyless! For being about superheroes that are supposed to believe in and symbolize the best of mankind, these movies sure have a pretty ugly look on the world. Well, Wonder Woman corrects that streak. This movie is anything but bleak.

Wonder Woman throughout the movie experiences some of the worst that mankind has to offer. In the time of World War I, she sees civilians affected by the war, soldiers left crippled and bleeding in battle, and uncaring leaders who are so quick to sacrifice soldiers, like their lives mean nothing. But Wonder Woman never stops believing in the best of humanity, even when faced with it’s ugliness. She will never stop believing that mankind is capable of so much more, and is worth saving.

Some of my favorite scenes in the movie are the ones where Wonder Woman gives these small looks of compassion towards the vulnerable. She wants to help every needy person she comes across, even if she may only be buying them a few minutes of life. And that’s what a superhero is supposed to do!

The other thing I love is that it’s not a one-woman show, Wonder Woman may be powerful, but she doesn’t always do the job alone. One of the best scenes has her taking enemy fire in the middle of the No Man’s Land, blocking the bullets with her shield, so that Chris Pine, and the other supporting characters can get the upper hand and storm the trench.

I’m pretty hard pressed to find things I didn’t like in the movie. One thing I can think of is that like a lot of comic book movies the villains really aren’t that developed, but I feel like that choice was made so they could do more with developing Wonder Woman as a character. I honestly cant recommend this movie enough!

But keep in mind this movie’s fucking long (over 2 hours), but I feel like it actually needed that length and I’m glad they didn’t cut anything important out of the movie. Maybe I’m just so desperate to find a DC movie to like, but I really love this one. Go out and support it, bring your friends! Just don’t see it really late at night, you’ll be up till 3 in the morning.

[jeannettegray]

I don’t get it.

So I’ve been looking at reviews of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales.

The first PotC movies is one of my favourite movies of all time. A masterpiece that brilliantly combines action, humor, romance, fantasy and over-the-top wit. Practically perfect.

Then the sequels turned Jack into a massive dick who would sell his own friend into slavery, killed off the endearing Norrington (WHY), turned Will into a ruthless anti-hero (and I normally love anti-heroes, but the whole point of Will was that he was the kind guy who balanced out Jack’s ruthlessness. I wanted to see a pair made of a hero and an anti-hero, not of an anti-hero and a total shitbag), and put in a whole lot of squick (I would have happily lived out the rest of my days without ever seeing death by tentacle in the throat, thank you very much). And overall they were just plain joyless. The only really fun part I can remember in two whole moves was the duel on the giant wheel. Wow, one whole joke in two movies, amazing *I don’t even think you tried at all star*

Not even the return of the awesome Barbossa and Elizabeth’s swordfighting could make up for that. I hated it so much, I completely ignored the fourth movie.

Also, you know, the whole “Johnny Depp has lost his goddamned mind, we shouldn’t support his movies” thing.

So I was going to ignore the fifth movie too. But I saw the reviews, and... I don’t get it.

“This movie is almost as good as the first one! Two stars”

THE HELL?

They are almost all like this. Praise it in the text for being a lot like The Curse of the Black Pearl (which as mentioned above is practically perfect), then give it a low score.

So is it good or not?