#joshua saona

[unworshipfulleader]

I'm really bad at discerning what's real and what's not...

Like. I thought I was in a relationship where both parties were in love with each other, and what not. No no no. I guess I'm too ugly to look at him; fighting with me, not wanting a resolution, but just to be hateful. I'm "yucky"; "gross"; a "faggot"; "a fucking idiot for believing him, and staying with him SoO long"; "a last resort"; and many other things.

I'm. Hurt. And the person I always admired, loved, etc, turns out to be am evil, cold, psychopath...

Just. Ugh. I want him to actually be in love with me, so... like. I hope he is happy (he's definitely happier) without me. Tho.

I'm completely shattered.

Like.

Why?

Don't you feel bad at all? ><

[jasminerockefeller-blog]

Joshua Saona Loves Travis Thomas

He really does. While forgetting he himself is human, he often under appreciates his relationship with such a beautiful and kindred soul. He would love to blame the drugs, which of course influence a lot of the negative thoughts and and outcomes to situations, though who went along with supporting, purchasing, and the ingestion process of such unstable properties of mental and physical destruction. The lack of trust is there on both parts, though I feel after a certain amount of time being completely sober would relinquish that disdain, we both need to realize that we could obtain everlasting satisfaction in one another, if we just put our faith, hope, and trust completely in each other, and in Christ. We lack patience. And we want instantaneous entertainment, and gratification, and with how cheap, and easy, it is to obtain such substance, in which we spent years of our lives too, which weren't all bad... Yet we know and accept, yet willingly surrender our sanctity, and freedom, to self medicating. He thinks I'm always looking to get out of this relationship, which is quite the opposite. I fucking love him. He's great! Amazing! Though we do influence each other, and lately it has been more in a darker light. Destroying one another, while ultimately destroying ourselves, and anything we want and are striving to achieve for the future. I'm so subdued to my whole mentality, which I blame my negative conditioning to either from the people who raised me; my past significant other; to the peers who helped shape me. Im constantly worrying about possible outcomes, and hidden agendas, that I don't see, nor appreciate, the beautiful soul that has been bestowed upon me. Things seriously need to change. In me. In my lifestyle. I seriously hate myself. I really need to get my relationship with Jesus back on track. Plus I really think it'll help both Travis and I stay on a more positive track in life.

[yehoshuasaonaproductions-bl-blog]

This is so me... If I end up being a teacher in 15 years. 

[unworshipfulleader]

I miss my boyfriend. Things have been alright, but not great. And I'm still not convinced he actually loves me.

I want him to want me.

I want him to need me.

I need him to need me.

To feel every inch of me, while I taste every inch of him. I want him to pleasure me until I'm screaming for a break. I want his back covered in nail marks, bite marks in his shoulder.

I need you travis. Please. Come take me?

[unworshipfulleader]

Any opportunity you get to hurt me, you take it. You find me and inventive ways to personally attack me. And all I do is try to love you. I finally see me how you see me: as a pathetic faggot that matters to no one.

You have no idea that I go to sleep crying about every night.

I just want you to leave me already, cause it sucks wanting to believe you when you tell me you love me.

Have you ever been absolutely hated by the person you're practically married too? It's horrible.

I want to die.

I want to just give up.

[unworshipfulleader]

Travis. You're such an amazing partner. Seriously

... one in a million. I could only imagine how greater you would be to me, if I was a biological woman. God, the way you touch me... especially when you imagine I have a pussy, is like God allowing me to experience a glimpse of heaven.

I love just watching you... play your video games, watch TV, boost, shoot up, get dressed, shower, bump to your music, work out, vent out your anger, doze off... everything. You're so masculine, and you can be pretty mature, tho you're still in tune with your inner kid, so your imagination is off da chain! You do everything like a man. It turns me on. It often intimidates me how gorgeous you are... inside and out. Your beautiful soul shines so bright, that I believe it comes out of your pores.

I love how you take care of us, constantly making me feel better, making sure we are safe and okay... you put in so much work to make us comfortable and okay.. and you do it with confidence, grace.

You're so beautiful, I love watching you take off your shirt. I love watching your torso, and it's many muscles flex while doing every day activities: hoping fences, making shots, carrying tide, washing yourself, dancing, etc. I love smelling your smooth skin, the warmth from your body heat... I'm happiest when I feel up your buldging arms, and feeling your heartbeat in your chest. I feel so grateful that you want my head resting on you when we cuddle, when we sleep. Ugh. I want you inside me so bad right now... I wish I wasn't sick.

You got to experience me at my absolute worse. And im.sorry about that. I was pretty fucked up, and... I wish I could take it all back. I was scared, I was previously fucked with, pretty bad, and I healed because of you. I always loved you, and I'm still madly in love with you, and for awhile I've been wanting to take the next step with us, which we always said we wanted, tho I fear now, that I'm nothing to you? Why? Cause you've become so mean.

So mean. So cruel. It turns out that you actually try to cheat on me... a lot. You make accusations filled with mistrust, and you do cruel acts to... idk. See if I'll put up with it? To push me away? To justify you doing so.ething fucked up? To deal with your guilt? Idk. But it's getting crazier and crazier.

I no longer feel loved... a lot of the time. I feel cared for. But, the looks you give me, how you handle things, the shit you say. You can start being with me, and not get hard, and stop, and somehow blame on me, and get mean towards me, and that's why I'm leaning towards you getting like that, to deal with your guilt.

You do make me look foolish, a lot lately. You do show interest in other people. A lot lately. You do use your intelligence to talk circles around me, to make me sound stupid. I hear the comments you whisper under your breath. You know when you're being mean or fucked up to me, bit never say sorry. Just cause you say you don't know what you're doing wrong, or why I'm hurt, or whatever, doesn't mean it's true. I see through it, and you don't care how it all affects me. You smile.

So I'm scared now that you have no intention of actually being with me. I use the phrase "us" and you need to make sure I'm talking about you and I. Which was weird at first, but now I think it's cause, you don't see an us anymore. You shove in my face fuckef up images, sounds and recordings of female moans and your moans. You make me feel crazy, you make it impossible for me to do anything. Like. And I just want to be left alone, or to be loved and to love you.

I don't know what to do. I let go a little and you pull me back in, tho soon after, you go back to being mentally emotionally abusive and I never get an apology. I still don't know what really happened the night with wiz and Amanda and you. And that scares me. I'm so scared. I'm really hurt. And I feel helpless. I get some hope and you destroy it, but before things get too grim. Some hope comes back.

I just want the truth. I want to now for certain if you are getting with others... so then I can finally close the book of you ND I. Or I want to find out you really do love me.. and do more to find out more.

[unworshipfulleader]

Well, now I know for certain:

I am spending my time with a total stranger.

This stranger, is a total douchebag.... he is manipulative, abusive, and seems to never feel remorse... or anything.

I really just want to know why...

[unworshipfulleader]

I don't think it's a crime to test the water sometimes. Like. I really want to know if someone else was ever involved with him and was hw just shoving it in my face all this time? Playing videos of him with other people, blaming me. Sounds of another person, saying I'm cheating but always acting above me, and always treating me like a burden and a hindrance. Telling me the hotel incident would never happen again. Saying he loves me and will always try to work things out. Saying he would chase after me. Saying he never have cheated on me (had entercourse) yet, when we had sex it was a sure as if he had already dumped his load else where. Just. All I see is that he is all talk and doesn't seem to ever really mean what he says. Says I has light him whenthe ebbing points to him has lighting me.

I'm beyond hurt. I feel as If I don't matter what so ever to him. I think all of the stuff he has said to hurt me,cause we were fighting or whatever, was how he truly felt. And I don't know what to do with those feelings.

I'm heartbroken.

I'm really.

Hurt.

[yehoshuasaonaproductions-bl-blog]

[yehoshuasaonaproductions-bl-blog]

If We Turned Every Negative Thing Into A Positive. We We Would Have More People Like Me... And Less People Like You.

-Joshua Alexander Saona

[yehoshuasaonaproductions-bl-blog]

I'LL BE JUST FINE / PRETENDING I'M NOT

So I finally moved out of the negative filled haus that is my parents. And moved into a positive environment. Here's my horoscope for the day... :

People work and play well together when the chemistry is right. It feels as if you're getting something for nothing, but you've actually earned all this. Talk about your shiniest new ideas.

[yehoshuasaonaproductions-bl-blog]

Said you’re gonna be here in a minute Sitting in the mirror getting pretty Gotta look my best if we’re gonna break up Gotta look my best if we’re gonna break up I can hear you knocking at the front door And I know exactly what u came for Trying to say goodbye but it’s hot and heavy Trying to say goodbye but it’s hot and heavy You touch me and it’s breaking me down I’m telling you let’s just give it up and get down So come on won’t you give me something to remember? Baby shut your mouth and turn me inside out Even though we couldn’t last forever, baby You know what I want right now Hit me one more time it’s so amazing How you shook my world and flipped it upside down You’re the only one who ever drove me crazy 'cause you know me inside out I know that we probably shouldn’t do this Wake up in the morning feeling stupid Said that we were done but you’re all up on me Said that we were done but you’re all up on me Tell me how we got in this position Guess I gotta get you out my system Trying to let you go but it’s not that easy Trying to let you go but it’s not that easy You touch me and it’s breaking me down I’m telling you let’s just give it up and get down So come on won’t you give me something to remember? Baby shut your mouth and turn me inside out Even though we couldn’t last forever, baby You know what I want right now Hit me one more time it’s so amazing How you shook my world and flipped it upside down You’re the only one who ever drove me crazy ’cause you know me inside out So come on won’t you give me something to remember? Baby shut your mouth and turn me inside out Even though we couldn’t last forever, baby You know what I want right now Hit me one more time it’s so amazing How you shook my world and flipped it upside down You’re the only one who ever drove me crazy ’cause you know me inside out

-Britney Spears

[yehoshuasaonaproductions-bl-blog]

[yehoshuasaonaproductions-bl-blog]

I Feel...

...Extremely lonely. 

[yehoshuasaonaproductions-bl-blog]

[yehoshuasaonaproductions-bl-blog]