#joey batey fic

[thedemonofcat]

The truth was that Jaskier was the result of a child's surprise. Surprisingly, his grateful parents discovered that the witcher who claimed him never returned to collect.

Years later, at Kaer Morhen, everyone is shocked to learn that it was Lambert—drunk at the time—who had invoked the law of surprise.

Now, Lambert is taken quite seriously as Jaskier’s "Papa," and he’s constantly angry with Geralt. His words are clear: "You’re no good for my child," or "Never speak to me or my son again."

No matter how many times Jaskier insists that Lambert isn’t his father, it makes no difference.

[hannibard]

Thanks for coming to my ted talk

[thedemonofcat]

One of the witchers makes a comment about Jaskier “aging well.”

And Jaskier’s like, “Thank you! I put a lot of thought into the amount of wrinkles and grey hair is realistic, yet sexy.”

Geralt, who’s been having a full-on crisis about Jaskier’s mortality: “what?”

With a snap of his fingers, Jaskier gradually transformed, reverting to the youthful appearance Geralt remembered from their first meeting all those years ago. Yet, even then, there had always been something... sharper about him. Or had there? Geralt couldn't quite recall.

"Feels good to get that glamour off," Jaskier remarked with a smile, stretching his arms. "They can get a bit stuffy after a while."

Geralt stared at the bard, utterly dumbfounded. "You were wearing a glamour?"

"I thought you knew," Jaskier replied, his expression mirroring Geralt's confusion. "I’m a Fae. We don’t really age."

[thedemonofcat]

The Pankratz family is renowned for being Dragon Slayers, having mastered the art of defeating any dragon on their own for generations.

Jaskier, born Julian Alfred Pankratz, is often questioned about his family's history. Even Geralt is curious about how his flamboyant bard could hail from a line of dragon slayers.

What no one, not even Geralt, knows is the family's centuries-old secret: The Pankratz family has been perpetrating one of the greatest scams ever known.

They don't slay dragons. They are dragons.

[thedemonofcat]

Jaskier has known he wasn’t entirely human for a while. What he didn’t know was that he got his nonhuman blood from his father. They are part fae.

He discovers this when his father dies and leaves him everything—not be a they were close but because Jaskier’s brother had somehow angered the man.

Part of his father’s “property” were actual, fucking people. People who were tied to his service with fae magic.

Lovely.

Thankfully, his father kept a roster of the people and the conditions for their release. The conditions were all seemingly impossible things, but Jaskier wasn’t a bard for nothing.

A dwarf has to give him the greatest weapon? Words are Jaskier’s weapon: give him a quill. A farmer has to give him his firstborn? Give him the firstborn animal from this season. An elf has to give him enough riches to satisfy a king? Ha! No riches can satisfy a king! So the condition is already met!

One after another, Jaskier frees these people—and gives them compensation from his father’s wealth. Fuck you, old man! He eventually reaches the last person on the list.

Geralt of Rivia.

A witcher whose condition is to betray the person he holds dearest.

Well.

Shit.

Geralt and Jaskier put their heads together to try to come up with a “betrayal”. And they travel together in the meantime.

However, the more time they spend together, the less effort Geralt seems to put into seeking his freedom.

"If life could grant me one blessing, it would be to rid me of you," Geralt spat in a fit of anger, the regret sinking in the moment the words escaped his lips.

"Well, it seems your wish has been granted," Jaskier replied, his tone steady, resolute. "No more meddlesome Fae at your side. You're free now."

Before Geralt could muster a response, Jaskier was gone. The Witcher hadn't meant it—not truly. It was a fleeting moment of rage, a bitter lapse in judgment. But Jaskier was Fae, and Fae were clever, their words binding in ways mortals often regretted. If Geralt wanted his bard back, he would have to outwit the trickster magic.

And he was more than willing to rise to the challenge.

[thedemonofcat]

What if Vesemir accepted Jaskier as a son-in-law in his head, only for Geralt to awkwardly explain that they’re not together.

Vesemir, who has actually grown to genuinely like the bard, “Oh… Eskel, would you be interested in the bard?”

Eskel, looking on the receiving end of a death glare from Geralt, “That’s—I’m not really looking to die—ate. To date.”

————

Geralt bursts into Jaskier’s room and is like, “YOU HAVE TO MARRY ME AND NOT MY BROTHERS”

Meanwhile, Jaskier’s baffled because he didn’t know Geralt was on the table let alone his brothers.

“You want me to marry you?” Jaskier asked, his heart pounding. He had loved Geralt for a long time, but this proposal was unexpected.

“If you don’t, one of my brothers will try to claim you,” Geralt replied. “And you’re my bard, not theirs.”

Jaskier leaned in, a teasing smile on his lips. “Alright, I’ll consider it. But only if you can tell me my name.”

Geralt remained silent for a moment, and Jaskier sighed, pulling back. “Geralt, I care about you, but you don’t really know me. I won’t marry you just to help you win some strange bet with your brothers.”

As Jaskier began to leave, Geralt gently grabbed his arm. “Julian Alfred Pankratz, Viscount de Lettenhove,” he said softly. “You were named after your grandfather, who passed away when you were a baby. Your sister used to call you a weed, and that’s why you started calling yourself Jaskier. You’re from Lettenhove, a coastal town in Bremervoord. Your accent slips sometimes, especially when you’re drunk.”

Jaskier stared, wide-eyed, as Geralt continued. “You can play over a hundred instruments, but you prefer the lute because it’s easy to carry. Your favorite food is strawberries, and you hate peas in your stew. Your entire family has blonde hair, but you have brown.”

Geralt reached for Jaskier’s hands, his voice tender. “I do know you, Jaskier. And when I ask you to marry me, it’s because I love you.”

[thedemonofcat]

“It’s strange.”

“Hmmmm?”

“I’ve been on the road most of my life,” Jaskier says, “yet you’re the only witcher I’ve ever met. You would think I’d have stumbled upon at least one other.”

Geralt chews slowly, thinking of how strongly Jaskier smells of his territorial pheromones. How his kind were careful to treat one another’s mates with caution, lest they inadvertently cause conflict within their dwindling numbers.

He hadn’t thought about it before, but other witchers probably assume Jaskier is his mate and act accordingly.

Geralt shrugs. “It’s a big continent.”

It was bound to happen sooner or later: Geralt and Jaskier would eventually cross paths with one of Geralt's brothers. As it turned out, it was Eskel—which, Geralt thought, was probably the best possible outcome.

“Nice to meet you,” Jaskier said warmly, extending a hand to Eskel with a friendly smile. He didn’t notice the quick glance Eskel shot Geralt’s way, as if seeking permission to shake his hand. Geralt gave a subtle nod, signaling it was fine.

As Eskel took Jaskier’s hand, Geralt unconsciously moved a little closer, his presence protective.

“It’s good to finally meet Geralt’s mate,” Eskel said.

“Geralt’s what?” Jaskier asked, bewildered.

[thedemonofcat]

Don't get me wrong, I love the fics where Jaskier walks up to witchers and demands attention/protection.

But where are my fics where Geralt plops Jaskier in another witcher's camp with a list of care instructions and a promise to be back in a week?

I love this idea, and the detailed list of steps for taking care of Jaskier is impressive.

1. Make sure Jaskier gets at least three meals a day. Keep snacks handy, or he’ll end up chewing on random plants found along the way.

2. To ensure a better morning, Jaskier prefers sleeping in a tavern bed. If you're staying at one, make sure the bard gets to bed before midnight—watch out for encores.

3. When camping outdoors, give Jaskier the softer pillow for a more restful night.

4. Jaskier thrives on attention and conversation. Engage with him frequently, or he'll sulk. He loves telling stories, even if they're exaggerated—just play along.

5. Keep a close eye on him in crowds. He has a habit of causing trouble or flirting with the wrong people. If he starts a brawl, get him out of there quickly.

6. Don’t let him wander off alone—he has a knack for getting lost or into trouble. Always keep him within sight.

7. Jaskier might be immortal, but it’s best not to test that theory.

[thedemonofcat]

When Geralt is cursed to turn into a wolf, everyone expects him to devour his Bard. That's why Jaskier, locked in a cage with Geralt and aware that he might die, smiles—hoping that Geralt won’t remember him as being afraid.

But Wolf Geralt has no interest in eating his mate. No, Geralt just wants to cuddle.

[thedemonofcat]

By human standards, Jaskier was old when he climbed the mountain. In his forties, most would have already settled down and started families. But by dragon standards, Jaskier was still quite young; some might even say he should still be in the nest.

Jaskier didn’t fully align with either perspective. What he didn’t expect was Borch’s sharp instinct to recognize him as a young dragon and treat him accordingly.

Geralt, unaware that his bard is a dragon, found Borch’s unusual interest in Jaskier rather perplexing.

[thedemonofcat]

When Geralt first crossed paths with Jaskier, he was warned by many to be cautious, as the Bard was rumored to be cursed. Wherever Jaskier went, monsters seemed to follow.

It didn't take long for Geralt to notice this odd phenomenon himself. However, there was something unusual about it: the monsters never harmed Jaskier. Instead, they seemed to be drawn to him in a strange, almost protective way.

Sirens would harmonize with Jaskier’s songs, and Griffins would offer him feathers as gifts. This kind of behavior became so routine that Geralt eventually questioned a Higher Vampire about it. The vampire simply remarked that there was something inexplicably alluring about Jaskier.

By now, Geralt is no longer certain whether Jaskier is cursed or perhaps not entirely human.

[thedemonofcat]

It's Jaskier's first visit to Kaer Morhen, and he's brimming with excitement as Geralt brings him along for the winter. In his enthusiasm, he fails to notice the trails of mushrooms sprouting in his wake.

Unbeknownst to him, Jaskier is a changeling, and his dormant Fae nature is beginning to awaken. This shift has not gone unnoticed, drawing the attention of nearby Fae who have become aware of his presence.

Believing that Geralt has abducted Jaskier and is keeping him captive, the Fae are determined to breach Kaer Morhen to "rescue" him.

[thedemonofcat]

In every single version of their first meeting, be the books, Hexer, or Netflix series.

It's always. Jaskier shows up one day to Geralt and goes

“Congratulations, I’m your bard now.”

Geralt has no other option but to accept.

[thedemonofcat]

In selkie culture, there's a rule: whoever returns the selkie's cloak, the selkie belongs to them.

If Jaskier is being honest with himself, it’s partly his fault for leaving his cloak among Geralt’s belongings. Maybe he should have told the witcher about being a selkie before Geralt found the cloak mixed with his things and returned it to Jaskier.

Since then, Jaskier has been grappling with how to tell Geralt that they are, technically, married.

Especially when, as far as Jaskier can tell, Geralt hates him.

[thedemonofcat]

After Jaskier gains the ability to understand and converse with animals, he is surprised by how much Roach enjoys chatting.

Unlike Geralt, the Witcher's horse proves to be a great conversationalist, much to Jaskier's amusement and Geralt’s annoyance.

Roach especially enjoys talking shit about people.

[thedemonofcat]

“What do you do?” Geralt asks, trying to be conversational with the beautiful man he had somehow gone home with last night.

Julian looks at him incredulously over breakfast for what feels like forever and then says, “…I’m a singer.”

“Oh, local?” Maybe Geralt could go to a show.

“No, in town for a gig. Leaving first thing tomorrow.”

“Oh.”

That was disappointing. He knew it was only one night of fun, but he had hoped to try his luck and ask Julian out.

“If you want, I could give you my number. We could text?”

“I’d like that.”

———

Jaskier has no idea how he stumbled upon the one man on the continent who doesn’t know he’s a popstar, but he’s rolling with it.

At some point, Jaskier had to know this was coming. He and Geralt had been watching TV when one of his own performances appeared on the screen.

“Hey, Julian,” Geralt said, his tone laced with curiosity.

Jaskier braced himself. It was only a matter of time before Geralt put the pieces together.

“That musician—Jaskier—kind of looks like you,” Geralt remarked.