#joey batey fic

[thedemonofcat]

One of the witchers makes a comment about Jaskier “aging well.”

And Jaskier’s like, “Thank you! I put a lot of thought into the amount of wrinkles and grey hair is realistic, yet sexy.”

Geralt, who’s been having a full-on crisis about Jaskier’s mortality: “what?”

With a snap of his fingers, Jaskier gradually transformed, reverting to the youthful appearance Geralt remembered from their first meeting all those years ago. Yet, even then, there had always been something... sharper about him. Or had there? Geralt couldn't quite recall.

"Feels good to get that glamour off," Jaskier remarked with a smile, stretching his arms. "They can get a bit stuffy after a while."

Geralt stared at the bard, utterly dumbfounded. "You were wearing a glamour?"

"I thought you knew," Jaskier replied, his expression mirroring Geralt's confusion. "I’m a Fae. We don’t really age."

[hannibard]

Thanks for coming to my ted talk

[thedemonofcat]

The truth was that Jaskier was the result of a child's surprise. Surprisingly, his grateful parents discovered that the witcher who claimed him never returned to collect.

Years later, at Kaer Morhen, everyone is shocked to learn that it was Lambert—drunk at the time—who had invoked the law of surprise.

Now, Lambert is taken quite seriously as Jaskier’s "Papa," and he’s constantly angry with Geralt. His words are clear: "You’re no good for my child," or "Never speak to me or my son again."

No matter how many times Jaskier insists that Lambert isn’t his father, it makes no difference.

[thedemonofcat]

Don't get me wrong, I love the fics where Jaskier walks up to witchers and demands attention/protection.

But where are my fics where Geralt plops Jaskier in another witcher's camp with a list of care instructions and a promise to be back in a week?

I love this idea, and the detailed list of steps for taking care of Jaskier is impressive.

1. Make sure Jaskier gets at least three meals a day. Keep snacks handy, or he’ll end up chewing on random plants found along the way.

2. To ensure a better morning, Jaskier prefers sleeping in a tavern bed. If you're staying at one, make sure the bard gets to bed before midnight—watch out for encores.

3. When camping outdoors, give Jaskier the softer pillow for a more restful night.

4. Jaskier thrives on attention and conversation. Engage with him frequently, or he'll sulk. He loves telling stories, even if they're exaggerated—just play along.

5. Keep a close eye on him in crowds. He has a habit of causing trouble or flirting with the wrong people. If he starts a brawl, get him out of there quickly.

6. Don’t let him wander off alone—he has a knack for getting lost or into trouble. Always keep him within sight.

7. Jaskier might be immortal, but it’s best not to test that theory.

[thedemonofcat]

When Geralt is cursed to turn into a wolf, everyone expects him to devour his Bard. That's why Jaskier, locked in a cage with Geralt and aware that he might die, smiles—hoping that Geralt won’t remember him as being afraid.

But Wolf Geralt has no interest in eating his mate. No, Geralt just wants to cuddle.

[thedemonofcat]

The Pankratz family is renowned for being Dragon Slayers, having mastered the art of defeating any dragon on their own for generations.

Jaskier, born Julian Alfred Pankratz, is often questioned about his family's history. Even Geralt is curious about how his flamboyant bard could hail from a line of dragon slayers.

What no one, not even Geralt, knows is the family's centuries-old secret: The Pankratz family has been perpetrating one of the greatest scams ever known.

They don't slay dragons. They are dragons.

[thedemonofcat]

Jaskier has known he wasn’t entirely human for a while. What he didn’t know was that he got his nonhuman blood from his father. They are part fae.

He discovers this when his father dies and leaves him everything—not be a they were close but because Jaskier’s brother had somehow angered the man.

Part of his father’s “property” were actual, fucking people. People who were tied to his service with fae magic.

Lovely.

Thankfully, his father kept a roster of the people and the conditions for their release. The conditions were all seemingly impossible things, but Jaskier wasn’t a bard for nothing.

A dwarf has to give him the greatest weapon? Words are Jaskier’s weapon: give him a quill. A farmer has to give him his firstborn? Give him the firstborn animal from this season. An elf has to give him enough riches to satisfy a king? Ha! No riches can satisfy a king! So the condition is already met!

One after another, Jaskier frees these people—and gives them compensation from his father’s wealth. Fuck you, old man! He eventually reaches the last person on the list.

Geralt of Rivia.

A witcher whose condition is to betray the person he holds dearest.

Well.

Shit.

Geralt and Jaskier put their heads together to try to come up with a “betrayal”. And they travel together in the meantime.

However, the more time they spend together, the less effort Geralt seems to put into seeking his freedom.

"If life could grant me one blessing, it would be to rid me of you," Geralt spat in a fit of anger, the regret sinking in the moment the words escaped his lips.

"Well, it seems your wish has been granted," Jaskier replied, his tone steady, resolute. "No more meddlesome Fae at your side. You're free now."

Before Geralt could muster a response, Jaskier was gone. The Witcher hadn't meant it—not truly. It was a fleeting moment of rage, a bitter lapse in judgment. But Jaskier was Fae, and Fae were clever, their words binding in ways mortals often regretted. If Geralt wanted his bard back, he would have to outwit the trickster magic.

And he was more than willing to rise to the challenge.

[thedemonofcat]

In every single version of their first meeting, be the books, Hexer, or Netflix series.

It's always. Jaskier shows up one day to Geralt and goes

“Congratulations, I’m your bard now.”

Geralt has no other option but to accept.

[thedemonofcat]

“What do you do?” Geralt asks, trying to be conversational with the beautiful man he had somehow gone home with last night.

Julian looks at him incredulously over breakfast for what feels like forever and then says, “…I’m a singer.”

“Oh, local?” Maybe Geralt could go to a show.

“No, in town for a gig. Leaving first thing tomorrow.”

“Oh.”

That was disappointing. He knew it was only one night of fun, but he had hoped to try his luck and ask Julian out.

“If you want, I could give you my number. We could text?”

“I’d like that.”

———

Jaskier has no idea how he stumbled upon the one man on the continent who doesn’t know he’s a popstar, but he’s rolling with it.

At some point, Jaskier had to know this was coming. He and Geralt had been watching TV when one of his own performances appeared on the screen.

“Hey, Julian,” Geralt said, his tone laced with curiosity.

Jaskier braced himself. It was only a matter of time before Geralt put the pieces together.

“That musician—Jaskier—kind of looks like you,” Geralt remarked.

[thedemonofcat]

By human standards, Jaskier was old when he climbed the mountain. In his forties, most would have already settled down and started families. But by dragon standards, Jaskier was still quite young; some might even say he should still be in the nest.

Jaskier didn’t fully align with either perspective. What he didn’t expect was Borch’s sharp instinct to recognize him as a young dragon and treat him accordingly.

Geralt, unaware that his bard is a dragon, found Borch’s unusual interest in Jaskier rather perplexing.

[thedemonofcat]

In selkie culture, there's a rule: whoever returns the selkie's cloak, the selkie belongs to them.

If Jaskier is being honest with himself, it’s partly his fault for leaving his cloak among Geralt’s belongings. Maybe he should have told the witcher about being a selkie before Geralt found the cloak mixed with his things and returned it to Jaskier.

Since then, Jaskier has been grappling with how to tell Geralt that they are, technically, married.

Especially when, as far as Jaskier can tell, Geralt hates him.

[thedemonofcat]

“It’s strange.”

“Hmmmm?”

“I’ve been on the road most of my life,” Jaskier says, “yet you’re the only witcher I’ve ever met. You would think I’d have stumbled upon at least one other.”

Geralt chews slowly, thinking of how strongly Jaskier smells of his territorial pheromones. How his kind were careful to treat one another’s mates with caution, lest they inadvertently cause conflict within their dwindling numbers.

He hadn’t thought about it before, but other witchers probably assume Jaskier is his mate and act accordingly.

Geralt shrugs. “It’s a big continent.”

It was bound to happen sooner or later: Geralt and Jaskier would eventually cross paths with one of Geralt's brothers. As it turned out, it was Eskel—which, Geralt thought, was probably the best possible outcome.

“Nice to meet you,” Jaskier said warmly, extending a hand to Eskel with a friendly smile. He didn’t notice the quick glance Eskel shot Geralt’s way, as if seeking permission to shake his hand. Geralt gave a subtle nod, signaling it was fine.

As Eskel took Jaskier’s hand, Geralt unconsciously moved a little closer, his presence protective.

“It’s good to finally meet Geralt’s mate,” Eskel said.

“Geralt’s what?” Jaskier asked, bewildered.

[thedemonofcat]

When Geralt first crossed paths with Jaskier, he was warned by many to be cautious, as the Bard was rumored to be cursed. Wherever Jaskier went, monsters seemed to follow.

It didn't take long for Geralt to notice this odd phenomenon himself. However, there was something unusual about it: the monsters never harmed Jaskier. Instead, they seemed to be drawn to him in a strange, almost protective way.

Sirens would harmonize with Jaskier’s songs, and Griffins would offer him feathers as gifts. This kind of behavior became so routine that Geralt eventually questioned a Higher Vampire about it. The vampire simply remarked that there was something inexplicably alluring about Jaskier.

By now, Geralt is no longer certain whether Jaskier is cursed or perhaps not entirely human.

[thedemonofcat]

The first witcher Jaskier met besides Geralt was Aiden, a member of the Cat School, who had been hired to assassinate him.

Technically speaking, Aiden's contract was to eliminate the Viscount of Lettenhove, but he was taken aback to discover that the target was actually the same Bard who sings about the witcher he'd heard so much about.

Instead of fulfilling his contract, Aiden and Jaskier found themselves sharing a rather pleasant picnic.

Geralt, unaware of this turn of events, is frantically searching for the Cat witcher who he believes is out to kill his Bard.

At the same time, Lambert, having heard that his fellow witcher is intent on hunting down his dear friend, is racing to find Geralt to prevent him from killing Aiden.

[thedemonofcat]

Jaskier has confessed his love to Geralt several times. Each confession is ignored, and the bard interprets that as a polite rejection on the witcher's part.

However, Jaskier eventually figures out that Geralt doesn't remember his confessions. As it turns out, Geralt is cursed to never know his true love's affections.

If anyone needs Jaskier, he is going on a quest to kick this mage in the balls and lift Geralt's curse.

Deep within a shadowy forest stood a tower—not just any tower, but the lair of a dark wizard.

It was an ordinary day for the wicked sorcerer. He was busy gathering ingredients for his potions and terrorizing nearby villagers when, as he strolled through his garden, something struck the back of his head.

“What the hell?” the dark wizard growled, spinning around.

Standing at the edge of the garden, Jaskier held a bucket of small rocks, ready to throw more. He fixed the wizard with a defiant glare. “Undo the curse on Geralt of Rivia!”

[thedemonofcat]

Geralt comes across a book titled "How to Keep Your Companions Happy and Cared For." What he doesn't realize is that it's actually a guide for dog care.

Nevertheless, Geralt decides to follow the advice in the book with Jaskier. After all, he just got his bard back and wants him to stick around.

Jaskier, on the other hand, is perplexed by Geralt's recent habit of patting his head and giving him extra snacks. Despite the confusion, he doesn't really mind; it's actually quite nice.