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I love Arson he's my favorite heater but I should really get a cheap laptop one day so I can leave the house to write because the Noise. Is . Too Much. I need to go write in the forest
#I live in a very very full and busy house hold#and sometimes it makes it extremely difficult to work#both on art stuff and packaging#but also writing especially#i have horrible executive dysfunction but on good days ill still try and get thwarted by multiple inturruptions and loud sounds#and on bad days ill just completely shut down from it all#adhd meds and headphones cannot fix Other People In My Space lmao#sara shush#personal#complaining#Unfortunately if i ask to be left alone or for quieter volume i will get neither of those even if i lock my door#I legit have a sign on my door that lets people know when im live streaming and have asked not even volume control just to be left alone#and there will still be knocking on my door for questions like 'can you go get something from the store'#i need. people to understand that if i am busy esp if i am doing packages and stickers and stuff that i am WORKING#please treat it like im at a 9-5 office building somewhere act like i dont exist#you dont just walk into someones place of work and start venting/asking them of things while theyre at their job#'but you're at home' yes and im still working and i have communicated this several times#i did not mean to vent but GOD
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ladies, I need to wander despondently across a foggy moor asap
#*this also applies to the not-ladies among us#y'all deserve a good pensive ramble across a moor in a really cool greatcoat#just be sure you don't turn it into anything vigorous#this is not the time to be Aragorn we are looking for Jonathan Harker pre-Dracula at best#in regards to the moor: a wind-swept cliffside would also be suffice#it would NOT do wonders for my health of course but hey#fortunately the bestie and I have plans to go hiking next weekend and if we don't have another option I'm gonna beg for the hemlock trail#I'd also take the cedar springs#I just need Nature that isn't the beach#in other news I am happy to report that the week is smoothing itself out somewhat#we're all still on edge but it's not as bad as it was and we've effectively kicked loose the pebble in the the shoe#my darling sister sent me a gift and told me to treat myself so I may get bubble tea after work#and I begged for tomorrow off so I can sleep and then spend the day coughing in peace#(this is such a bizarre cold. I didn't get any of the preliminaries outside of some sneezing)#(and then it was straight to my chest. not even a sore throat first! usually I get a lot of build up and can often get ahead of a bad cough#(thankfully my nose is not congested. I suppose that's the trade-off)#so I'll sleep in and then I may sort some of the filing I'm taking home from the office#by then I'll likely have completely lost my voice#AND I have ingredients for chili because for once I planned ahead. might even make some of my favorite rolls as well.#and then next week...I start a second job#(super simple and it's 2 hours max every evening. once I figure it out it could be an hour tops unless I decide to take it slow)#(the pay is great for the job and it'll give me something to do instead of just...I dunno...reading through the winter I suppose)#(sorry my head is in such a fog I don't know how I'm surviving work)#mine#greatest hits
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College (uni??) AU catering to my own interests as it should always be hehe :)
#projecting my major on Vash because them mfs who have changed from the med field majors to that one have some tragic things to tell#and also because I think that Vash would be such a wonderful designer I don’t know why it’s a gut feeling#Nai the law major because of course he would have you seen the guy#he would be a personal injury lawyer because lore#fun fact Nai rested for a semester after the incident with Vash while Vash took two.He never told Nai he would be changing majors#so it was a big big shock for him. they fought again but yk I’ll explain more on that if anyone is interested#as to Kni and WW I thought it’d be funny if they shared a common subject that required a lot of team assignments#and they can NEVER work out together. being an absolute nightmare to the rest of their group#separately they are great to work with. even if Kni can come off as too bossy sometimes he is actually a great leader#and WW would always deliver things on time exactly as it was asked from him#but Kni and WW just never really matched. Kni was too rude at times when WW made a mistake and WW would always clock him if he passed a line#like insulting his reasons for wanting to study security#one day Kni tells him at the beginning of a new semester where they both have unfortunately landed on a shared subject again#“you are not suited for that sort of job Wolfwood. you should simply give up and why don’t you go play role model to your little kids’’#then WW beats him again and then is like hey yk what you’re kinda right. and changed majors and he feels so much more at home studying#education/teaching than security. he fucking hates some things but the end goal makes it worthy#Trigun Uni! AU#because I don’t know how differently a college and a uni work#trigun#vash the stampede#nicholas d wolfwood#trigun stampede#vashwood#trigun fanart#wolfwood#vash#Nai saverem#millions knives#lenssi draws#pen!
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I think too much in real life to fully let myself enjoy some activities so I'm going to live vicariously through the characters I write 🙃
He's here for pleasure. You're not under any illusion about his intentions. Sure, he'll let you snuggle up beside him afterwards, playing with the little soft curls on his chest. He'll kiss your forehead and smooth your hair and you'll laugh together about the silliest things but it's no secret that it's the sex that keeps him coming back.
Secretly, it's exactly what you need too. It works well for both of you. You get someone who has the confidence and experience to show you things you didn't even think you'd be into and you get to simply enjoy the way he gets off on pleasuring you. There's no need to feel shy around a man who's told you his secret filthy fantasies.
"What's one thing you've always wanted to do but have never had a chance to?" You probe one evening, taking your necklace off and placing it on the bedside table, well aware he's probably wearing more of your lipgloss that you are after the way he greeted you at the hotel room door.
You hop onto the bed to take your shoes off, enjoying how the mattress bounces you slightly.
He doesn't answer right away, pouring two glasses of a sweet, chilled Riesling before handing one to you. You take a sip, trying not to put him under pressure but the time he's taking to consider your question makes you even more curious.
"If I tell you, I'd like you to try it with me. So how badly do you want to know?" He stands in front of you and places the glass to his lips and in that moment, you couldn't want anything more than you want to fulfil a fantasy for him. You want to be something he's never had and offer him opportunities to enjoy your body that he might never have again.
"Tell me. We'll do it." You hardly even have to think about it.
"I'd like to lick you. All of you. Run my tongue all over your body. Find what makes you shiver. Find what makes you moan. Find the places that are so ticklish you need me to stop. I want to lick all the places you've never been licked before. If you'll let me." He really could make anything sound appealing.
Excitement fizzles in your core and a real desperation begins to build. Just being around this man makes you wet so you can't help the fact you're ready for him already.
"If that's what you want to do, I'll let you." If you're honest with yourself, you'd probably agree no matter what he asked for. You trust him enough to know he won't take you further than you're comfortable with.
~~~
You knew what you were signing up for but you didn't think it'd feel like this. Why the hell haven't you tried this before?
He's kneeling at the end of the bed, stroking his cock while his hot, wet, stiff tongue flicks gently against your asshole and there's no denying how much you're enjoying the pressure there. You couldn't hide it if you tried. You're so wet, you're practically dripping and it only spurs him on. It's intimate in a way you don't think you'll ever recover from while being one of the most erotic things you think he's ever done. There's nothing to be embarrassed about it when it's clear he's enjoying it just as much as you are. Maybe more.
The way you're gripping his hair has you wondering whether the strain on his tongue or his neck will overwhelm him first but he shows no signs of relenting. That is until he stands up, already looking delightfully over-pleasured and sinks his cock into your fluttering, neglected cunt without a word.
If he goes too fast it's all over and he knows it but he can't resist holding both of your ankles, watching you while he places open mouthed kisses to the soles of your feet, thrusting into you with slow, calculated strokes.
#becca writes spice#becca's thots#dbf!bucky#dads best friend! bucky#I just want to get some of my personal needs out before I go back to writing requests#I have a couple more fantasies that I can't shake so I'll have to write those soon#I had an assignment due this afternoon and oh boy#Leaving it to 9pm last night before I got started was a plan that I knew would suck#but I was in my second job all last week and couldn't be bothered starting any earlier than that#so I worked from home today to tackle the sleepies#and I spent all day working from bed with an Easter egg so like... pretty good Monday#tw: alcohol mention#tw: alcohol#can you tell I've been to one single wine tasting event 💅🏻
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smth smth about 'the thing that the character did that you thought was rly rly funny in the moment is actually linked to a terrible trauma that lies within said character.' or wahtever.
#jrwi show#jrwi fanart#jrwi riptide#gillion tidestrider#made this within a short span of wahtever bc i gotta go up to the mountains for my stupid gay job tonight n im trying#nnot to frrRREAAAK THE FUCK OUUTTTTTTi dont wanna work but. get that bread we fuckin shall i guess#ONWARDS TO THE FISH TORMENT!! sometimes flowers feel pain when you trim them before their blossoming. atleast i imagine so#i used to draw gillion with loooong hair tied into a big ol braid. and then it was confirmed that he had short hair when he was little.#AT FIRST I WAS SAD. but then i realized the duality of. when they were little. gill had short hair. edyn had long hair.#AND NOW THEYRE OLDER. and gillion has long hair. and edyn has short hair#both mirroring eachother. looking up to eachother. subconsciously or not. they most certainly care. and most certainly miss eachother.#GILLION ALWAYS LOVED HOW LONG HAIR LOOKs. atleast i imagine so. he hasnt cut it since he left the undersea. sure he wanted to go back home#but even at the very start. he knew he was free in some way now. free to grow out his hair. an adventure would await him before he returns.#he knew it would be a while. so he cant let this go. he cant let this sought-after hair-length get cut away from him again#not yet. not yet. i like to think he loved music too. I SAW SOMETHING INTERESTING A BIT AGO#i see alot of ppl commenting on my baby gill comics like;'i wouldFIGHT this teacher i wanna KILL EM i want them DESTROYED#all very good and nice sentiments! i LOVE the energy here! and it would be nice. to have that catharsis#but the story of young tidestrider is not a story of catharsis. it is a story of agony and being so so small and so special and also so dum#and sucking so bad. and just being a kid and doing the things that a little kid does and so many tired tired people reacting badly to it#youre supposed to be the hero that will save us. our world hangs in the balance and you are the one who tips the scales.#YOU are supposed to SAVE US!! you NEED to SAVE US! CAN YOU PLEASE STOP SQUIRMING IN YOUR STUPID CHAIR!!#you'd think that young tidestrider ought to prevail. and be tucked someplace all safe and sound.#elders gone missing and rotting in a jail. their cultists nowhere around. but theres no happy endings. not here not now.#this tale is all sorrows n woes. you may dream that justice n peace win the day. but thats not how this story goes#BIG ideas for this lil baby gillion series. if anything i make ever gets disproven im killing myself in a well as to poison a water supply
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erm…..posting about an OC via a rushed shitpost was not on my 2025 bingo card!! 😂😂😂😂😂😂get it??? 😂😂😂because his name is bingo??(GETS SHOT)
these are all things he has done or has attempted to do so consider this the full intro post for that freak for now. he’s still too undercooked to fully introduce but damn I love him
#pdbc#I love him. he’s the sole descendant of a royal family and. if you’ll pardon the pun. is royally fucking things up for himself#he could do so much in life and instead decides to be the next Gordon Ramsay……..such wasted potential#did. did I ever mention that part of him. his clan is called the Ramsay clan after all#he wants to be Gordon Ramsay sooooo fucking bad…….#big theater kid gone wrong energy from him#so many of my posts this year have been pdbc related. it Will happen again.#< (in my defense I’m working on other non-pdbc stuff !! but pdbc stuff is easy to make because I don’t have to think about it)#once I’m not so burnt out I’m really excited to design bingo….not even going to attempt to rn#I hate designing outfits but I’m actually looking forward to his bc he has a horrid mix of royal garments and astereotypical butcher outfit#speaking of butchers. butcher vanity? great song absolutely fits him. cannot stop listening to it#surprisingly him being like. a literal cannibal isn’t even all he does. that’s just a…little quirk of his#like ya’d think him eating people would be more important but nah. he’s a POET and a MAGICIAN 😤😤#I’d say he’s one of the most evil characters but…..kinda all of my characters are#sure bingo tries to eat people and bomb people’s homes but there are side characters who put acid in the water supply and aren’t punished#so bingo’s just par for the course honestly#the best thing he’s ever done is install an air conditioning unit. there wasn’t one before bc Mole (his mom) didn’t like them—#—which resulted in people keeling over from heat exhaustion a lot so. good job for fixing that bingo#it’s the bare minimum but that’s pretty good for him so he can have a round of applause for that#I think I might have mentioned Gerbombs in passing but I love them sm#they’re gerbils genetically engineered to blow up when pressure is placed on them#they’re adorable. thankfully they have no concept of death so they’re just chilling with no worries in the world#before you get sad. Sushi rescued most of the Gerbombs and now cares for them so happy ending#no Gerbombs shall die under her watch. I don’t think I could deal with it if too many Gerbombs died#although they’re called Gerbombs they’re actually more physically close to jerboas#they’re so cute. I should draw a Gerbomb sometime#(I should also probably rename them jerbombs considering they’re not gerbils but ehhhhhhhhhhhhh)
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My. Gosh. It's so helpful to help people
#just did 3 tutoring appointments and i can literally feel my mental health springing back into place#ugh i sound like my grandmother. ''i just love to be of service!'' and the right hand is very very aware what the left hand is doing#if you get me#this was work though so i already benefit from it so it's ok to talk about it#in yet another example of i kind of can't believe i was right about how i work#doing the church job did in fact immediately fix all the damage of feeling unwanted at home#and once i finished it. i immediately started feeling the damage again#(the damage is the low-grade hum of social inadequacy and undesirability)
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i've been diving a lot deeper into adhd symptoms and comorbidities and misdiagnoses and whenever i tell my boyfriend something i learned that sounds like me he responds with something like
#idk he knows me more than anyone bc i can't hide the parts i'm ashamed of from him#last night he was like. yeah EYE think you have adhd but i'm just some guy#idk i'm excited about this not because i want to be Quirky for internet reasons. yknow. but bc i've felt like an impostor of a human being#and i have no sense of self and i can't get myself to do basic tasks and the thought of doing something i don't want to do#genuinely makes me want to throw up/my brain shuts down/i can't think or talk or function to the point where i can't work.#so i can't support myself. so i feel terrible about myself. and i've been in and out of therapy for 20 years and have numerous diagnoses#that have never really felt like they fully encapsulate what's going on. and like. i've kinda just internalized that i'm not as good at#being a person as everyone else because i struggle so so much. like yeah i did well in school but i had to sacrifice literally everything#else to do that. idk how everyone else is managing to have a job and hobbies and friends#i get to pick like. one now. i used to be able to juggle everything to some degree although i felt like i was being careless in all areas#except school. i'm so scared of making mistakes or starting anything or talking to new people or trying new hobbies#because i know it won't interest me more than a couple weeks MAX and i'll feel listless and restless again#and i've come to understand this as part of who i am at my core. i'm just someone who can't commit and isn't reliable or a good friend#i just want so badly for that not to be the case because i want so badly to not be stuck like this#idk im going home to talk to my dad this weekend and just rest because i'm really really not doing well#which is why i'm scrambling to try to figure out what's going on with me because idk how much longer i feasibly can do this#and i might be moving back to the pnw bc therapists in pa don't work with medicaid#and no psychiatrists near me are taking new patients. and i can't work to get on private insurance. but therapists in or do work w medicaid#so idk. again if youre diagnosed w adhd and this sounds not like someone who is consuming social media brain rot content about adhd#but rather someone whose experiences you identify with. please let me know. please please#i am reaching out to professionals also but things move slowly and i'm trying to compile evidence so i don't sound like i'm making it up
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Marketing is in many ways the biggest translation of my skills and interests to a job that actually makes money. However I hate corporations and advertising is a blight upon the world and I spend my days at best making the CEO rich while contributing nothing else to society
#like there are a lot of ways to frame what I’m doing in an ok light..#one of the reasons I like b2b is even tho it’s dull it’s not invasive to people’s personal lives#and at its best I’m making people who would benefit from a product or service know about them and can find them#and in b2b like ideally. helping other people do well enough that they don’t have to lose their jobs#but in practice? some of that if you cling to it but the end all is always how much money can the ceo take home#idk maybe I would feel different if I switched to nonprofit eventually???#I applied for some of that in my last job search but never heard back#I never even meant to work in marketing I just ended up here and don’t really see another path forward where I can stay financially secure#which is sooooo rare now I don’t want to take that for granted
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thinking about fallout 4 against my will
#random thoughts#fallout#unfortunately nora compels me#the fact the 'hi honey!' tape specifically mentions her 'shaking the dust off' her law degree is interesting#like she gave up her job to stay at home with her husband and kid. why?#like that's a whole year. at LEAST.#love the idea of nate pressuring her into it <3 maternity leave turns into 'isnt it so nice being with sean around the clock?'#'too bad you won't have this quality time when you return to work'#turns into 'you can always return to work if you feel like it but we DO have a lot saved up . . .'#and it's like. okay so fallout 4 would be so much better if it were set in the 1960s. literally no reason it shouldnt be#yknow beyond complying with lore which. it isnt that faithful to in the first place#i just think it's weird the game is like 'here's the FUTURE' and then it's like 'here's the FUTURE FUTURE'#anyway make it the 1960s. give me time-appropriate fucked up family dynamics#and nora's a laywer and a feminist who promised herself she'd never compromise her career for a man#and nate seemed so NICE and like he understood until uh oh. frog in a slow cooker#and he makes everything seem like it's her idea until she's barefoot in the kitchen with a screaming baby on her hip and burnt food in a pan#and she doesn't even realize she's trapped until it's too late. isolated from friends and family#idk ill do more research later to make it more time-accurate (ESPECIALLY interested in second-wave feminism)#anyway i think she cheats. with a door-to-door salesman selling places in the bomb shelters#(honestly probably the only adult social interaction she's had in weeks beyond her husband)#i like to think at some point she had a bit of a car accident due to the stress so nate took her keys#probably just a minor fender bender he blew out of proportion but she believes it because oh god what if she hurt sean#her feelings toward sean are complicated. i dont think she quite loves him which she feels guilty about so she overcompensates#with trying to keep him as safe as possible and she feels like he KNOWS and HATES her#(honestly when the bombs drop everything happens so quickly and when she's in the future and registers sean's gone she feels. so relieved)#(followed by heavy shame)#nate sabotaged her birth control btw. love evil 1960s patriarchs#never outright stated but heavily implied!#anyway nora in the future (while she felt very progressive for her time) feels very out of place#like her ideals have no place. like she has no place
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yes it's just me whining about the same thing for the billionth time, pls just scroll past nothing new to see here 👋
#i just want to enjoy the summer but i feel like i don't deserve to if i'm not constantly trying to become employed again 😭#''apply for jobs then? problem solved'' uh-huh yes but!! i also hate applying for jobs#job seeking can be so incredibly humiliating#first i have to send them a letter BEGGING to be invited to an interview#and then i have to try and convince them that i am actually competent and good at my job even though you have my cv right there#and then afterwards they call me to tell me they found someone who they liked better than me#(or rather someone who was more competent than me judging by their work history etc.)#it's like ''yes we are hiring but not YOU specifically lol''#like. at school if you take a test you get the grade you deserve based on how you did in the exam.#it's something you can actually directly affect yourself#but if someone who's applying for the same job with me has more work experience or whatever they will get hired over me no matter what i do#(at least that's how it usually works on my field)#in which case it doesn't matter if i do well in the interview or nah. bc the other person was always going to be picked for the job anyway#and yes one could say i can then be satisfied if i did my best but it's little consolation when i'm still unemployed!!#and so every time i apply for a job and get rejected it feels like a personal failure#and to avoid that feeling of failure i want to avoid applying for jobs altogether#so yeah. being active in job seeking is more likely to relieve me from this misery but job seeking is ALSO misery. so 🤷♀️#that on top of the fact i don't even _want_ to apply for all the open positions on my field#but i feel obliged to because it's what i have a degree on. and when i'm unemployed i don't have the luxury to choose which ones i apply fo#i can't afford to be picky#I DON'T DREAM OF LABOUR I JUST NEED MONEY TO LIVE BUT I ALSO DON'T WANT TO DO JUST ANY JOB! I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH FOR THAT!#i don't want to come home crying from work every day because i hate every single aspect of my life INCLUDING my job 😭#when this semester i actually HAD a job i didn't mind waking up to every morning 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#it's not fair it's not fair it's not fair#to conclude i don't deserve to enjoy myself in the summer because i'm not doing enough to fix my unemployement situation#(just like i don't deserve to feel sad about being lonely because i don't work hard enough to maintain deep friendships#but that's a crisis for another day! stay tuned ✌️)
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#gonna ramble about irl here so people don't have to read it unless they want to#so because I got covid and couldn’t leave my bed I've essentially lost my job#I've told my manager I'm okay to go back to work#even if my body is still sore#but she's only given me a 3 hour shift a week#and you guessed it!#it's the late shift#the one where it takes me almost 2 hours to get home from#she's being so petty with me#and I am so behind in rent#I've applied for government assistance and I have a meeting with them tomorrow#I really hope they can help because I feel awful#I'm also annoyed at myself because I can't find my knee brace ANYWHERE#I thought I could find one for around $10 but nope!#the closest stores selling them are like $25+ so that's fun#I don't know when I'll be able to draw again#I'm so stressed again about money and secueing work#hopefully once I can get govt assistance at least I can enjoy life again#also I tried to ask the zine that still owes me money if they could finally send payment but they still keep delaying it with excuses#I'm so desperate it's shameful
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i got offered the promotion at work.... why am i every business owners wettest dream damn....
#yapping#yes my ocd is horrible for my mental health but boy is it good for my wallet !!!!#its not OFFICIAL yet#but it was offered to me and i accepted so theyre seeing how they want to proceed now#cause its not just about me theres a shit ton of changes they want to make that include switching like 5 peoples schedules around#but my team leader said that most of those changes being possible depended on whether i would accept this or not#so well see#id be a team leader myself now#the feminine urge to become a power hungry dictator control freak at work.......#id be switching from my current early morning shifts to late night shifts which is much less healthy on paper#but my body is made for sleeping late i physically can not go to bed before 3am even now when i wake up at 5:30#i might have the money to renovate my apartment now cause i think this comes with a 20% pay increase which is a lotttt#i basically will be earning two incomes myself now 😭#dani said he fully believes Ace Of Spades exists at this point cause everything always ends up going my way in the end#i know it may seem like im flexing but please be aware when i started this job a year and a half ago i was borderline homeless 😐#so its a huge deal for me 😭 and really quickly done as well which is why its so insane#like. in a year and a half only i went from borderline homeless and my parents keeping me on constant phonecalls#cause they were worried id off myself if i hung up#to being a homeowner that earns two incomes by herself while working from home#i feel like in most companies hard work doesnt rly pay off tbh i was just lucky to get into one of the few companies where they do value it#the literal CEO is my biggest dickrider 😭 but i do appreciate him giving me raises randomly cause he feels like i deserve it#but yeah !!!! apparently life altering anxiety that forces you to compulsively do perfect work at any job you ever do#because making mistakes and not giving it your 110% feels like a moral failure so you feel sick at the very thought of it#is apparently what makes the dream worker#if only they knew i dont actually care about this in any capacity.... i am just fucked in the head in a way that works im their favour 😭#this is why all of my ex bosses begged me to stay when i quit teehee#im yapping too much but yeah !! heall yeah money !!
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when i was in highschool one o my biggest coping mechanisms was drawing all the kids i hated getting killed and eaten and killed. and well. time is a slowly ascending spiral. you will find patterns.(i work as a blackjack dealer. gamblers are FASCINATING
#cw blood#luckys original content#ITS SMALL BUT ITS ART SO IT GOES ON THE ART BLOG#also wwaooooww its meee its my lil persona!!! i dont draw myself enough....#anyway i have bigger things in the works. im slowly but surely chipping away at a pd thumbnail for that pd thumbnail project#FINALLY COLORING. BUT COLORING IS SO HARD AND I HAVNT BEEN IN THE COLORING MOOD#SO IVE JUST BEEN MAKING RLY DUMB COMICS INSTEAD... OOPS..#idk if anything finished n polished will be posted here anytime soon. BUT i post wips of everything on my twitter#and i post jrwi exclusive wips on my slucky blog. you may look at those if u have Truck Art Wishdrawls. as many do. as many do#THIS BLACKJACK JOB IS RLY AWESOME BTW DONT GET ME WRONG#i work three 12-hour days ina row. i gotta take an hourlong bus up to the depths o the mountains and then#i get to stay in this delightful lil hotel that was built in an ooold hospital. its a whole casino town. and an OLD one at that#ITS GORGEOUS HERE. last week my bus home was delayed for 2 hours#so i finally got the chance to head to other casinos and try drinkin n gambling. lost ten bucks to a pretty girl. NOT the first time#i rlly wanna try it again!!! i love interracting w ppl and i love being inebriated in public bc im just so sweet and pleasant and friendly#and pretty girls LLOOOOVEE MEEEEE i think i just need to go to gay bars more#but theres fucking NONE HERE. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im collectin comrade queers up here tho#we wanna make a Group but we just gotta come up witha name first. i need something weird and strange#yknow i remember being in highschool. and being miserable n unmedicated. my mommas ultimatum was that;#if i dont drop out of highschool; i dont need to move out. she probably wouldntve kicked me out anyway bc my mommas sweet like that but#she REALLY wanted me to graduate. and i remember dreading that i might never do that#i remember feeling like the Resident Idiot. sweet but so so fucking dumb. it took me 7 years of strife n stress before i finally graduated#i remember worrying back then that i might not ever be able to handle myself out there. that i'd be too dependant on others#AND HERE I AM. DID U KNOW I WAS LOOKIN AT HOUSES A WHILE AGO? IM AN ADULT AND IM WWINNINNNGGGGGGG#IM RUNNING OUTA ROOM BUT HERES MY ADVICE TO YOU. BC I KNOW UR FUCKING SCARED TOO. THE ONE THING THAT SAVED ME.#THAT KEPT ME FROM SINKING INTO DESPAIR IS REMEMBERING ONE THING: ITS LITERALLY JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#MOST PPL YOU CAN JUST WALK UP TO N ASK A QUESTION N THEYLL ANSWER. THEYRE ALL NPCS THEYRE NOT REAL#LIKE IF U WALK INTO A BANK AND ASK HOW A DEBIT CARD WORKS THEY WILL HELP YOU#AND IF YOU THINK THEY HAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES RELATING TO MONEY. YOU CAN ASK THE CUSTOMERS TOO. ITS JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#ANYWAY STAY SAFE KIDS HAVE FUNNNNN. IM GOING TO GO DO DRUGS NOW. HOPE U CAN DO DRUGS SOON TOO. I LOVE YOU
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i'm like i have nothing to be stressed about and then i'm having a breakdown in the car and then i'm like oh okay maybe i do have things to be stressed about
#number one. living with my parents. that shit is INSUFFERABLE#there is never a break from the questions and the prying and the needing to know everything i'm doing and everywhere i'm going#and what i'm eating and how much i'm eating and how i slept and when i slept and how long i slept etc etc etc#i'm only working four days a week but i'm working two jobs and it's beginning to wear on my nerves#my mother was like we're going out last night. then they didn't go out. frustrating but whatever#then this morning she says oh i don't think we need you at work today#i'm like thank god i'm so tired i can go back to bed. ten minutes later she changes her mind and then gets mad that i'm frustrated#she's like well I WORK SIX DAYS A WEEK#YOU WORK FROM HOME MOST OF THE TIME AND YOU MAKE YOUR OWN HOURS. WE ARE NOT THE SAME#also i have to work fine but don't dangle a day off in front of me and then take it back#i'm planning on leaving this job soon to go full time at my other job WHICH WAS ALWAYS THE PLAN and she's full tilt guilting me about it#i still haven't heard back from any schools and i can't start planning my next steps until i do#i can't start planning ANYTHING until my primary job officially takes me on full time#no idea when that will be!#and then what. if i get into school i move back to canada. if i don't get into school do i still move back to canada?#do i go south? do i stay fucking put? I DON'T KNOW. and ALSO#collaborating on music with **** is all fun and games until i keep writing lyrics i cant share with him because they're OBVIOUSLY about him#also i have no time to work on any songs because i'm NEVER ALONE THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE IN THE HOUSE#re: **** i'm being so normal about it i'm smiling and saying have fun visiting your long distance girlfriend. whose name is my deadname. :)#then just minor things like i'm booked for a haircut next week which is stressful in itself#i have a LOT of baggage with hair cutting in general and also people touching my hair. also i don't know what i want to do with it exactly#and my citizenship interview is in less than a month and it's not that i'm worried but what happens if they don't give it to me?#would they revoke my greencard? i mean that would be insane right? but who fucking knows at this point#okay so maybe i have a couple of things to be stressed about
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I’m trying very hard not to fall apart from stress like I did last year. This daily cycle of work-study-work is so draining and I’m not entirely sure that a) I’ll graduate and b) that if I do, I’ll have my sanity intact…
#if Arthur isn’t proud of me I’m gonna fucking riot because he’s making sure I have something good to go home to#and by that I mean I can collapse in bed and watch joker while I study#i know you shouldn't study in bed but sometimes after work my body is so stiff and sore i can't handle my desk#actually even in mornings im so stiff and sore from work the day before that my desk is a struggle#my job is wrecking my body and im letting it
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