#jmn:solo

[lmjaem]

jaemin has been going back and forth about the idea of having the track uploaded. sure, he's had his some of his tracks on his soundcloud. but this particular one was much more aggressive straight forward than the kind of songs he had there so far. all he wanted to say were tucked in this lyrics. but as the pointer hang over the upload button, he takes a deep breath, leaning back, and switching windows instead to listen to the song one more time. this is what his friends and a few followers have been waiting for these past few months now. he's been silent about his experience in the show, not an actual conversation with anyone but haechan. now, the world will hear it in its full uncensored glory.

as soon as he started writing the lyrics down, he felt the frustration brewing inside him. just like the day after the reality sinks in and he sits in the couch, re-watching the previous episodes and then keeping up with the new ones. his process is perhaps typical, he writes down without thought, just pour out everything onto the paper, let his hand grip onto the pencil as hard as he felt like it, sloppy hand writing, vague phrases, nerdy references, anything and everything goes down. that's the first stage. the words are what he usually focuses on first, because as outspoken as he is, there needs to be a certain way words are delivered or sentences are constructed otherwise they could be misunderstood.

BREAKING NEWS, THE KID FROM SEASON 5 TOOK HIS MICROPHONE OFF THE CAMERAS GOT TAKEN AWAY AND HIS CUSPIDS STARTED TO GROW (BACK), THIS IS UNLIKE HIS REIMAGINED TRACKS, HE'S A PRODIGY IN SLEEVING WHEN YOU PRESS PLAY, THIS TRACK WILL HIT THE AIRWAVES MUCH HARDER THAN VALVIDIA AND SPLASH BLOOD ACROSS THE FRONT ROW

honestly, he isn't worried about what people are going to say or what they'd think of him, that ship has never docked. if all that mattered to him at all, he wouldn't bother with this dream to become an idol. jaemin shifts in his seat, nodding his head as the beat goes on. he sits in the dark room, the screen being the only source of light, making his eyes hurt a bit after doing the backing tracks for the last four hours. he remembers recording this part a handful of times, thinking the feel wasn't right at all. hearing it now, passing up on sleep and some breaks in class is worth it. he held his breath when he let donghyuck first hear it, but he was sure his boyfriend is glad that he's ble to talk more about his feelings.

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE AT THE TOP? Y'KNOW GRAVITY DOESN'T REST ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE WE SIT NEXT TO EACH OTHER IN THIS PIT A LOT OF PEOPLE SAY THIS IS A PETTY MOVE, TASTELESS AND RUDE BUT I'M HUMAN (RIGHT?) I NEED TO FEEL GOOD AND SAY WHAT I HAVE TO SAY THIS RUDE KID WILL THROW SOME PUNCHES BET IT WOULDN'T EVEN HURT (YOU) NONE OF YOU WILL PROBABLY COMMENT OR THE MEN IN SUITS WILL STEP IN MOLDED TO BE THICK-SKINNED WITH POLISHED SMILES AND GOOD MANNERS (BULLSHIT) BUT YOU LOST YOUR SHOT, BROKE THE DOME, WHY ARE SHIFTING LANES NOW?

it feels good. being able to articulate these feelings that he's had to keep inside of him for weeks. the track has been sitting in his laptop for weeks, finished but needed some polishing. in those weeks, he sat in silence and went on with his life thinking it would remain just another dark thought at the back of his mind. he wasn't one to engage in things that would not bring about anything beneficial. but when he thought about how it could help his mental state, give him a peace of mind. he thought maybe discourse doesn't always have to be a two-way thing, nor did it require a response.

A SHIT TON OF EMPTY PROMISES, ENCOURAGEMENTS ALL FOR THE SAKE OF COMPANY IMAGE BET YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER MY NAME, STILL YOU'D SAY I HAVE STAR POTENTIAL BUT KEEP LISTENING, I'M SURE YOU WOULDN'T FORGET ME OR THIS SONG YOU'D TAKE THE CD BUT NOT FOR MY DEMOS, BUT TO PUT MY FACE ON BILLBOARDS GET HIGH TIMESLOT RATING, MORE SOCIAL MEDIA HITS, MERCH ON DEMAND, WHO CARES IF I HAVE MEDIOCRE TALENT AS LONG AS I SOLD OUT THE SHOW, RIGHT?

if anything, jaemin felt cheated. he had been following the industry for pr!zem, knowing the hows and whats in order to support them like every fan would. he's one of the biggest fansites in the fandom. n jaemin should have known better. and yet he found himself hoping that things would be different, he thought maybe, just maybe this time it would be different. (who knew he still have that kind of faith for anyone or anything else but haech?) it was foolish of him, and that's why this track exists.

LET'S ALL DANCE TO A DIFFERENT TRACK NOW, I'M READY TO LISTEN TO YOU (NAH) JUST DON'T TAKE ME FOR A FOOL BUT THAT'S NOT HAPPENING, IS IT? SO LET ME MAKE THIS CLEAR THIS TRACK EXISTS BECAUSE THE PLAYING FIELD WAS TIPPED ADVERTISED AS OPEN TO ALL, BUT THESE ARE THE SAME FACES DIDN'T REALIZE THAT I WAS LUCKY, FELT LIKE THE LOTTERY MORE THAN ANYTHING I ALWAYS THOUGHT STAYING UNIQUE AND TRUE TO THE MUSIC WAS ALL THAT MATTERS BUT I GUESS ALL THAT'S BABY TALK IF SOMEONE HAS BETTER CONNECTIONS

despite knowing this is something he'd probably do eventually, jaemin still felt good about finally hearing it like this. it's finished, ready, and perfectly encapsulates the emotions and ideas he wanted to deliver. it was just a matter of how deep people will go into his lyrics, it's as much as a diss track as a wake-up call of sorts. but something inside of him did change after the song. a setback isn't going to stop him from writing more. he stopped for a while and thought about quitting, but what would that do for him? he refuses to let them win. he hates the idea of that of all things.

BUT REALLY I WROTE THIS SONG TO SPEAK MY MIND, DO WHAT I COULDN'T ON STAGE BECAUSE SOME COMPANIES NEED RAW CONCEPTS FOR THEIR UPCOMING COMEBACKS HERE'S A HEARTFELT ADVISE TO THE CAPITALIST USING MUSIC AS A COVER UP, PAY PROPER WAGES, TREAT ARTISTS RIGHT, AND WEAVE SOME HUMANITY IN YOUR BUSINESS CHARITY WORK DOESN'T EQUATE TO COMPASSION, VACATIONS AREN'T A PRIZE, IT'S A RIGHT STOP PUSHING PEOPLE TO BRINK OF A BURNOUT, OR TO LIVE SECRET LIVES THAT'S HOW BUTTERFLY EFFECTS COME ABOUT, GROUP BREAK-UPS, AND DISS TRACKS, YOU'RE LISTENING TO ONE RIGHT NOW.

he was hoping by the time he reaches this part of the song, he'd have changed his mind and let the song stay in the folder. it's usually easy to just brush off his frustrations once he's talked about it or wrote about it. but there was still that desire to have it uploaded, for it to reach the audience and for absolutely everyone to hear. it goes beyond this particular song though, there was the urge upload his older demos, even the ones he wasn't very confident in. he can't let his anxieties hold him back, can't overthink things at this point. he's already put himself out there the minute he admitted this is what he wanted to do.

THIS WORLD IS FALLING UNDER THE MERCY OF GREED IF A CONVENIENT OPPORTUNITY COMES, THE FALLEN WOULD TAKE IT WHO CARES IF IT'S HYPOCRITICAL OR IRONIC, AN OPPORTUNITY IS AN OPPORTUNITY I GUESS IN A WAY I UNDERSTAND IT, BUT THAT's JUST HYPOCRITICAL I'M GONNA BEGIN THE OUTRO, EVERYTHING IS OUT IN THE OPEN AFTER ALL WHAT IS THE POINT OF TRYING TO MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND AND SEE WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR EYES CLOSE AND HANDS OVER YOUR EARS? IF THERE'S ANYTHING I PICKED UP FROM ALL OF THIS IT'S TO CHANNEL EVERYTHING TO MY MUSIC AND KEEP CREATING MASTERPIECES THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING OF A MASTER PLAN THERE'S MORE I'M ABOUT TO DROP BUT I'M SAVING IT FOR MY NEXT TRACK NOW THAT'S HOW YOU DO A PROMOTION YOU TELL THE TRUTH (DON'T GET CAUGHT)

this is the part he's convinced that he's lost it, and he shakes his head and sighs as he hits upload. "open system it is." he mumbles as he gets on his feet, a small smile finally break on his face as he sees it finally up.

LYRICS / FLOW REFERENCE INSTRUMENTAL

[rkjaemin]

mnet global auditions 5 ep2 : the interview mentioned: @hyojinrk, @rkheejin, @rkxminkyung, @rkjyp,  @rksakura, @moonbokrk, @rkchwev, @rkyq, @rksuwoong, @ericxrk, @ryujinrk, @rkyeji, @rkchaeryeong, @joohyunrk

jaemin finds himself being lead to yet another room. he peers inside the room, a small smile clinging at the corner of his lips, he already has a feeling how the interview was going to go this time. after the performance, with the adrenaline still coursing through him, he was sort of... chattier than usual. his filter was still -- sort of up, but he felt like he would be more open to answer questions and maybe say names this time around. and with that in mind, he sits comfortably before the staff that were there. "you look like you're in a good mood, jaemin-ssi!" the observation makes him laugh lightly, only to hold himself back, hands moving up to motion that he was not. "i always am, pd-nim... i think expressive would be a better word for it?" he says it with somewhat a serious expression before a smile breaks on his face and chuckle follows after.

"what did you think of the results last week?" the smile on his lips grows. "i'm... really happy that i made it." was his immediate response, but he continues on with "but also confused because there were really talented people who had to leave, it would have been interesting to see them perform some more..." he could see how speechless and amused the staff were getting, probably because he was being straight forward right from the very first question. "and who do you think is best under each skill?" jaemin leans back, looking up, chin resting over his fingers as he hummed, organizing his thoughts before his eyes shifts back to the camera. "you're really going to keep doing this until you hear me say someone's name, aren't you?" he smiles to himself and shakes his head. "alright then, don't say i didn't warn you... i am feeling expressive today." the remark makes the others smile, and jaemin resumes to go over his picks.

"everyone has their own distinct sound... so best is actually subjective". if there was anything he's learned from his years in sopa, it was that everyone is good... in their own way. it took a while for him to get used to hearing the word good and great being handed to others when he was used to the dichotomy of the right way and wrong way in science. "jeon heejin and kim hyojin’s voices have this certain quality to it. it would be interesting to hear a duet from those two, maybe i should write a love song for them to sing?" he trails off nodding a bit, already thinking of a melody for the said duet. then, he brings himself back to the conversation, "there's also kim minkyung and park jinyoung who are also vocalists to watch out for."

"there were a lot of really great rappers this season too," he starts, getting comfortable in his seat. "flow and delivery were good. but there was just something missing for others?" he sees the interest brewing in the pd's face, and jaemin was feeling playful enough to play into it. some do find his bluntness to be funny, but he has to be careful about it this time. "there are rappers that have a lot of potential, lot of room to improve skill-wise. but their stage presence is just explosive. they have this vibe that makes you look." he continues, still being careful with his words, trying to put it as positively as he could. "for a rapper, i think it's not just about skill... also about your presence. taking those two things into consideration, i'd say we should expecting great performances from miyawaki sakura. jang moonbok and chwe hansol, of course. and you know... that girl sitting next to me? song yuqi. she's... also really interesting, i look forward to her performances."

"i'm not a very good dancer myself, but lee suwoong and sohn youngjae were both great. and for the girls..." he looks up at the staff, smiling and then sighing, "here's what you've been waiting for, you're going to edit this weirdly, i can tell." the comment makes them laugh again, and jaemin was getting more and more encouraged to speak up because of the positive response. maybe he wasn't so bad at conversations after all? "i think shin ryujin-ssi has the whole package. she's stunning, talented, and her stage presence is just... she's just..." he knew the bias was showing, and he was not completely explaining why he was saying those things. he has been a fan, and he just couldn't help himself. "she's great, and that's that." he wraps up quickly before moving on. "there's also hwang yeji, lee chaeryoung, and we can't forget about bae joohyun."

"you went easy on me this time," he narrows his eyes as he crossed his arms. "i know you have harder questions, pd-nim." with that he receives what he has asked for. "were there any performances you didn't like then, jaemin-ssi?" it makes him laugh and cover his face, but he laughs it off and proceeds, "there were some that i'm... not so sure about? better song choices should have been made, something within their range, or something that suits their voice. i'm sure they have a reason that they chose the songs they performed but it just doesn't work." it was perhaps the most unfiltered answer he had given at the interview, but the honesty doesn't make him worried about this going against him.

"you said shin ryujin has the whole package, what did you think of her performance then?" he knew better than to play into this question, but he's too excited to see ryujin on stage again to even doubt himself. "she's very talented. i wouldn't be surprised if she won the whole thing, i mean. she's just..." jaemin starts to feel silly, rubbing the back of his neck. he realizes how he must have acted and narros his eyes for the nth time, "pd-nim, you're trying to trick me again, aren't you?" his words earn more laughs. interviews are an interesting experience, and he was actually having a good time. he just hopes nothing will be taken out of context. but then again, this is mnet... he'll never really knows until it all airs.

[rkjaemin]

from a whisper to a scream

"do you know what you've done?"

jaemin has not slept well in years, only when he left home and moved in with donghyuck did he remember what it felt like to surrender to slumber. but even in his peace, he couldn't help but look at his boyfriend, his bestfriend, and feel his heart hurt at what he had to endure. sitting across him during breakfast the following day, he felt like he was keeping a secret, watching the older boy talk so animatedly about whatever it was that jaemin could only smile to. it wasn't that he wasn't listening, he really was... tried to, at least, but he couldn't help but feel that what he had done was not... right. it felt like a crime.

he knew something was bothering haech. over the last few weeks, he seemed to be carrying this cloud with him, a scene that jaemin only ever saw when he was still living with... that man. he wasn't supposed to say it out loud or even think about it, but in the past, he thought of a hundred and one ways to kill his bestfriend's father. he could remember the number of things he thought of to do donghyuck's father, ways he could make him hurt and ways to finally end his bestfriend's suffering. jaemin could make him suffer, make him feel the way haech did. people would think he's crazy, and he probably is, but na jaemin can probably get away with murder, if he truly wanted to. the need gets stronger everytime he saw the bruises, the way donghyuck flinched when jaemin unknowingly touches where he'd been hurt. accidents is what they were called, but jaemin knew better.

i went to see him, haech.

the words were simple, straightforward. and yet he knew it shouldn't be as simple and as straightforward. he was not supposed to be there that day, but he didn't want to let him get away with it. na jaemin knows death very well, knows that it can take many forms, and one of the most cruel things it could be is an escape. he wasn't going to let that man go without a piece of his cruelty shoved into his face. and as he sat there, unable to say a word, eyes still watching haech, nodding his head and smiling, half listening and half distracted, jaemin wishes he actually did more than he had.

they said he was resting, most of the time that's what he's doing. 'monsters doesn't deserve to rest' were the words that immediately came to mind, but instead jaemin puts on a mask, pretends to be the son that left home and didn't show up until today, worried that it would be the last time. that sort of penance always seems to get expressions to soften, always get the sympathy, and got him some time with the dying man he wanted to see. he respected donghyuck's decisions, he knew what hell he lived in most of his life with the man lying on the bed. jaemin wasn't going to lie, he hoped he was dead right there and then. a demented thought to dwell in, but he wasn't going to pretend to feel sympathy for some devil who had made lives miserable. besides, he's thought of worse.

jaemin freezes when the man tossed and turned suddenly. shit. and he finds himself taking one step back, swallowing hard before walking closer to the bedside. he isn't dead... yet. but from what he's heard, it was certain, only a matter of time. he looks at his face, sees a man aged by illness and time, and he almost sees a father in there too. he rubs his temples, sighing as he sat down. "do you know what you've done?" he lets out quietly, eyes still closed, hands balled into a fist over his knees. "do you know what you've done... to your son?"

there were so many things he wanted to ask, so many questions that he seeks to get answer to. he practiced and prepared his rebutals, ready to defend lee donghyuck from whatever sick and twisted response this man might have. but he couldn't sew the words together, couldn't even staple a decent phrase. he wanted to speak, whisper, but all he wanted to do is scream. it wasn't fair. this man was getting the easy way out, never going to get the chance to pay for what he's done. for a split second there, jaemin wanted to do the unthinkable. it would be easy... no one would know. maybe someone will, but he was willing to take the fall.

but he thought of about lee donghyuck, and the way he smiled, just like the way he's doing now across the table.

he closes his eyes and lets his head fall forward, breathing heavily as he calmed himself down. jaemin wanted to kill this man... but that wouldn't end donghyuck's suffering now, would it? to the very end, this man wouldn't give what donghyuck needed to continue with his healing. even when the devil offers him a second life in exchange for that very thing, he wouldn't give it. "you wouldn't apologize. you think you didn't do anything wrong to your son." jaemin bites hard on his bottom lip, feeling the tears spill no matter hard he tried. he wasn't weeping for this old man, his heart breaks for donghyuck.

jaemin wipes his tears and gets himself together before he steps out, walks straight without looking back. he wouldn't let himself become the same monster that man was. he was going to be there for haech. always.

[rkjaemin]

part 1 : arrival + preparation for strongest skill performance location: school of performing arts

every morning, jaemin walked this same path, heading to the same destination. and it feels fitting that he was to do it here in sopa, the very place that started it all. for someone who has always put science, physics to be specific, at the center of his life, the decision he made to attend a performing arts school shocked most of his peers and teachers in the past. as much as he missed the long hours in the library and the intense discourse with those who share the same passion for the sciences, he had absolutely no regrets. there was something about music that made him feel... good, not in the way that science did. there was probably a biological explanation to it all, but he let that thought remain an idea, and instead basked in the fact that there was still something that makes him feel, besides lee donghyuck.

he arrives in time and secures his handwritten name tag, makes his way to the gym as instructed. everything was fascinating and nerve-wracking at the same time -- and it was saying something because jaemin was the kind not easily fascinated or made anxious by anything or anyone. he had always thought himself to be calm, someone who had thought no less than three steps ahead to make sure he wasn't caught off guard. and yet there he was, standing there unsure of what was happening and what will be happening. it wasn't that he froze. na jaemin was, maybe, overwhelmed, by just how serious all this was, and how much this could change everything for him. he wasn't just fiddling with a launchpad or afraid of falling short of expectations from the scientific community as they once told him. this was the exact same feeling he got for those two auditions he had attended, made even more concrete by the triple threat challenge.

he realizes that he was being asked if he was nervous as his measurements were being taken. jaemin only hums, smiling before he nods his head. he was sure there were words of encouragement spoken but he was feeling the pressure building in his ears that he could offer no more than a smile and a bow before he makes an exit. he probably should have checked if any of their friends were coming. jaemin had always been fine doing things on his own, even when he knew it was okay to ask for company or help. when he steps out into the familiar hallway, he wished that haech was there to hold his hand. he could use some of his boyfriend's warm smile and soft hands to help him get through this. for a second there, he was tempted to give him a call, but hearing the older's voice would probably make him miss him more. instead, he takes a deep breath and proceeds to the second floor.

he keeps to himself again, music turn a little louder than usual to tune out all the background noise. he only had sixty seconds to show them his strongest skill. jaemin had faced rejection one too many times already, after all, there were only two things that could happen -- one, this doesn't work out and two, he makes it somehow. that was one of the things about this whole ordeal that makes it thrilling he supposed, unlike physics, and science, there was only ever right and wrong, the gray area, the null, was something disregarded. there was always a way to test a hypothesis. with this industry, there were hundreds, if not thousands, of factors that could determine who makes it and who doesn't -- and there's even preference. something or everything can either work for or against, and what is na jaemin if not someone who likes a challenge.

as soon as the music stops playing, he proceeds to send a quick message to haech, a short but sincere 'i love you' before he gets moving as they called his name.

[rkjaemin]

mnet global auditions 5 ep4 : duo performance w/ jeon heejin song: 주지마 by 화사 & 로꼬 - rearranged [distrib]

whatever happens, it will be a good day. that's what jaemin told himself as found himself being pulled back into his mind. despite the perfomances taking place before him, it was... silent, almost as if everything was in standstill. na jaemin felt like he was on autopilot as he watched every performance and waited for their turn, glancing at heejin ever so often to see if there was any sign of nerves. he figured the least he could do now is to assure her that she will be great -- just like he always did when they practiced. she was great, and there was almost nothing jaemin could comment on when it came to her abilities. jeon heejin is his vocal pick after all.

to say that he was excited to work with her is an understatement, jaemin has never smiled so much since he began his stint in the competition. it was eye-opening to work with sungwoon in the previous performance, but working with someone who he admires left him speechless. he didn't even realize that he and heejin were introduced until yerim's name popped up in one of their conversations. they might even have conversed before and jaemin couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was they talked about. at that time, heejin was just another common friend that he had to be nice to. but if he knew she had that voice then, it would have been different.

he wasn't planning on having longer parts for this performance. in fact, he had listed down a handful of songs that would highlight heejin's talent, not that she'd need anything retouched when it came to her vocals. jaemin was so used to giving people more lines that he felt greedy for a while that he was rapping more than she was singing. eventually, his mind shifted from the line distribution to wanting to do his best to not cause heejin her chance at the competition. jaemin knew that he wouldn't be able to forgive himself if he screwed up this performance and got him and heejin out of the competition. thankfully, he worked rather well in pressure -- those practical lab exams with the bell and timers did wonders.

when it was their turn, jaemin shook away all his worries. he couldn't perform well if he carried all those thoughts with him. now is not the time to be distracted with anything else. both of them worked hard on this performance. he put in more hours than he anticipated to make sure everything goes smoothly. and when heejin sang her first line, jaemin knew that all of it was worth it, that everything will be okay. they'll get through this.

jaemin practiced every chance he got, so when his queue came, he began his verse at the right timing. he delivered his lines clearly, nodding his head to the beat and looking over to heejin with a light smirk to get into character. his part felt even longer now that he was performing on stage in front of the camera and under the lights. but still, he doesn't let it get to him. he wanted to be no less than satisfactory, perfect if he could be. heejin deseres to move onto the next round, and the least jaemin could do after being able to share the stage with her is to make sure she does get to the next round. but it wouldn't hurt to show a bit of his own skills while he does so.

he was surprised by how well he and heejin sound, hearing it in such a huge space, they sound so much better than he initially thought. the realization brings big smile on his face as their performance ended. this is one of, if not the, best stage he's done on the mga stage.

[rkjaemin]

mnet global auditions 5 ep5 : trio performance w/ lee suwoong & shin ryujin performing block b's jackpot, jaehyo's outfit [lyr + distrib]

sitting through performance after performance, jaemin feels the pressure even more knowing that they would be performing last. in his stupid nerd (and dramatic, he could hear haech saying it) brain, there are only two ways this could go -- they cap the performances with a job well done, or they are the receiving end of every criticism for being lackluster. he smiles at the thought, lackluster was the last thing to come to mind given what they were wearing. he takes a quick glance in suwoon and shakes his head a bit, smiling, amused by his bright yellow outfit -- as loud as his personality, and then over to ryujin looking ridiculous...ly good -- she really can wear anythin and look stunning. he leans back, tries to focus on the performance before his eyes, but he can't help but be distracted by how proud he was of their group, and how, for the first time, he wanted to, so very badly win.

when they announced who he was in the trio with, he was beyond ecstatic. he had already expressed how he admired suwoong before, and especially ryujin. they were both very talented and carry themselves so well that jaemin is worried he couldn't rise to their level. he was used to having things go smooth sailing that he almost didn't realize that there was something big brewing right in their very practice room. maybe because he was distracted with the fact that it happensed again this time around -- being entrusted with more lines. he usually knew how to read a room, he had to learn that the hard way during rehearsals for school plays, grouping people to warm up, and having to end breaking up two girls yelling at each other. but it takes him a day to really see that there was something... off about suwoong and ryujin's interactions.

jaemin was used to working in loud workspaces, when your boyfriend suddenly belts out an alba song -- not that haech's voice was less than perfection -- you'd have to keep working through your homework. suwoong and ryujin were both vocal, energetic perhaps would be a better word, and jaemin was fine with that. but they were sharing the room with another group, and they were just as... energetic as his team members. he'd get distracted a few times, get annoyed for the most part, but he lets his expression be swept away by sweat and desperation to get the choreography right. he was not the best dancer, but he knew how to address his weaknesses -- presence of mind and playing on his strengths. by focusing on learning everything first, he breaks it down to what he has to work on harder and alot how much time he needed to spend on it. but he also knew that it was only a matter of time before this tension between suwoong and ryujin explodes, and explode it did come sunday.

he comes in later than usual that day, having to meet with one of his classmates at the hakwon to get his assigned worksheets. he enters the room and greets everyone, getting settled in and heading straight to stretch for the day's rehearsal. suwoong was being perfectionist as soon as they began, and truthfully, jaemin didn't mind it all -- he liked it that the other was like this. but ryujin was surprisingly not like her usual self. he doesn't comment on it, but couldn't help but watch the girl with worry tucked beneath his lashes. his focus shifts from his movements, to suwoong finally, for the lack of a better word, snapping. jaemin knew that feeling, and he had a gut feeling that it had something to do with the way ryujin was acting to day. he intended to talk to ryujin, but she too had excused herself.

as soon as he found out what was happening to ryujin, he immediately noted on his phone to maybe bring her something for it. he'd have to research on that or maybe ask someone from clinic. he brushed the thought away as soon as suwoong comes back, offering to rehearse his dreaded sexy squats. if haech saw this, he would be laughing. who would have thought jaemin would do something like this? even more so a song that requires this much loudness and energy? he supposed it was only a matter of time anyway, and it would be good to explore performances like this. suwoong gives him a handful of meaningful feedback, and he notes each and everyone of them, applying them right away. he really didn't mind practicing and practicing, the same steps over and over again. practice makes perfect after all.

it was at the sandwich shop that suwoong finally tells him what was happening. and true to what he had been feeling all this time, there was definitely tension. jaemin couldn't believe what he was hearing, and he feels obligated to defend ryujin, subtly, and he still wanted to be logical about the issue. he kept with his stance when the other tells him that there weren't really details shared with him. innocent before proven guilty, those words echoed in his mind over and over again. there has to be more than what he was just told. na jaemin needed to know the truth -- there was a strong need to, especially when he almost put han yejin aside to (almost) be a shin ryujin fansite had promotions pushed through.

he doesn't mean to, but this unsettling feeling inside him makes him look a little bit longer. his face maybe showing a lot more than he intends, but he ignores it, not wanting to draw attention to whatever unpleasant or suspicious expression he had on his face. if he pretends that it was nothing, maybe ryujin wouldn't make much of it. but he was getting too distracted to focusin practice when the right time comes. he offers to buy drinks and asks ryujin to come along. it was very unlike him to do this, but he couldn't afford to lose focus now -- and not know what truly happened.

the thing about na jaemin is despite how 'nice' people say he is, he could just be as sharp tongued and unforgivingly straight forward. that's probably why he could swear he might have offended ryujin. it wasn't that jaemin believed the rumor entirely, he just figured there must have been something that happened that involved ryujin for people to speculate that way. he had read some things online that he had ignored before, focusing only on the good and cheering ryujin on with her future endeavors. but after what suwoong said, he recalled all those rumors that surfaced. it would have been a disappointment if they were all true.

relief washes over him as soon as ryujin began to explain her side. honestly, jaemin didn't even need the details that she seemed to be withholding. he got what he needed, and he was fine with that. but his heart almost stops when ryujin approaches suwoong. he imagined a fight breaking out, but also having to mediate if that happened, and he rather not let something as violet take place. but they talked about things much better than his, perhaps, exhausted mind could imagine. watching everything happen, he figured that it was only right that this happened. they were able to air out and clear things up to make sure that the golden trio will be as flawless and priceless as gold.

and the moment of truth has arrived! it was their time to perform. honest work never fails anyone, jaemin reminds himself. at this point, success is truly a matter of opinion, and he was sure that they were going to do well. it was not intenional but he had showed that he could be a versatile rapper, he tried to make sure that his style still shows in the different songs he had done so far. he was grateful for the opportunity to be entrusted with as many as parts as he does have now, and to be trusted with it. jaemin wouldn't let them down, and when his turn comes, he makes sure to do deliver what they ask and require of him.

인간의 욕심은 끝이 없고 같은 실수를 반복하지 너 그럽게 살면서 대박을 노린다면 어림 반푼어치 우린 운명의 주사위를 던졌고 한치 오차도 용납 못하지 Aight, Get rich or die, 살아서 나가자

during the auditions, he figured that he'd never have to dance anyway for the mgas. but now that he was doing it on stage, for some parts that is, he was enjoying it. he thought maybe if he had better control of his body, opted to take dance lessons as most of the people at the glee club tell him, he'd enjoy this so much more. after all this, he was going to do just that. if he doesn't get signed and be trained in dancing, he'd take those dance lessons and invest in himself more. jaemin had a heightened presence of mind, fully aware of his movements and what he had to do next. those school productions and performing in plays really helped him with the acting in this performance, along with suwoong and ryujin being patient with his dancing.

there was still that exhilirating feeling of being on stage, rapping, performing. he didn't want to disappoint suwoong or ryujin, the last thing he needs is for them to feel that their efforts all went to waste because jaemin messes up. he practiced, and practiced some more to make sure he was at least decent on stage. sure, he was confident in his rapping, but they were not just doing that on stage today. he needed to break out of his shell to deliver what is needed of him, and that's what he had just done. he just had to play his part, just do exactly as the two other talented people he's teamed up with are doing. by the time they were tossing out gold coins to the audience, jaemin knew to himself, with a smirk on his lips that the golden trio had hit the jackpot.

[rkjaemin]

mnet global auditions 5 ep2 : skill showcase song: 휘파람 (original song)

jaemin had rested well, ate better, and finally found the time to breathe. the first leg of the mgas have been extremely stressful. no matter how much he denied it, haech always saw through his reassurances and the calm demeanor that he always had on. and truthfully, after finding out he made it through the previous round, he was relieved and grateful that there was someone calling him out for being too... closed off. he knew better than to bottle everything up, he was stressing himself out more than he should. his boyfriend had always reassured him that things will be fine and that he'll make it. and make it he truly did. he started his day right, with a smile and left the apartment feeling better than he did the first two times.

he finds himself next to song yuqi again. this time though, instead of looking like a deer caught in the headlight, he actually interacts with her and tries to make conversation. it wasn't anything in depth just yet, and there were still some idle moments but it was a start. and he hoped that he's not scaring her by suddenly being social. he starts looking around the room too, trying to recognize faces, smiling at xuxi and minkyung. it was unfortunate that jeno didn't make it. jaemin knew things would have been more comfortable with him around. he wouldn't look as awkward as he does now because at least with his friend, they'd be able to distract themselves with other dumb details they can talk about.

and then the pressure builds up again.

he twists his hands on the microphone, heart pounding against his ribcage as he was on standby. jaemin takes a deep breath, wipes his hands on his pants and puts on a smile as he steps on stage. he was smiling more than the first two performances, and he could feel the strain on his cheeks. like his interactions with the others, he didn't want to force it too much so he introduces himself and talks about the piece he will be performing briefly. it was an original song that he had put together a few months back, something different from the usual ones he does, but he wants those who will listen to enjoy it just the same.

the music plays and jaemin starts to move along to it, nodding his head and just trying to... relax. it was unlike his usual performances, there was less layer to it, but the sound is distinct. at the five second mark, he starts with a quick "uh," and at the ten second mark, he goes for an enthusiastic "let's go" and proceeds to whistle before starting his first verse at the twent second mark. although the feel of the song was different from the dark, heavy, and multi-layered versions that he had done before, his verses remained lyrical and occasional wordplays inserted here and there. this is the style that he feels that leaves the most impression, at least to the people who's heard his original songs so far.

his first verse starts almost as if he was dissing himself, saying that he's only ever performed the girl group songs, songs about heartbreak, face always serious, and not having a talent for variety. but he proceeds to rap about only getting warmed up and that he does know about love that doesn't hurt too. he continues with talking about not knowing how to smile but also knowing how to make girls' hearts flutter -- all while he does the unthinkable -- na jaemin does the finger heart at baek jiyoung and winks at katie lee. he cracks a small smile, looking a bit embarrassed but continues on with his performance. at that point, the beat starts picks up and he gets more into his performance. he starts moving his body to the beat, delivery growing faster in tune with the song.

the chorus drops and it sounds more like a slowy dancey beat but not too far off from the bridge and first verse. his delivery for the chorus was somewhat like he was singing, talking about how there's more that he could show, that there are more layers to him like the layers of his re-arranged songs, and that he actually knows how to smile. jaemin always thought that his humor was different from most, but it was worth a shot at this point. he shouldn't have to take himself too seriously, he already sent finger hearts to baek jiyoung and winked at katie lee. there's nothing else to fear. as the song continues to the next verse, it slows down again, back to the simple beat that he started with. his last bar talks about being more open and trying to smile more, but to keep making music that people would enjoy.

and with the final beat, the pressure also dissipates and jaemin lets out a deep breath, bowing and genuinely smiling at the crowd as he straightened up.

[rkjaemin]

mnet global auditions 5 ep3 : duo performance w/ ha sungwoon song: easy by wheein (feat. sik-k) - rearranged [distrib]

jaemin thought that he was used to working with someone. he had done high school productions several times before, had worked with different kinds of people. he figured working in pairs would be like every other time but it was far from what he had expected after all. he was used to doing all the work himself that it almost feels weird that there was someone like sungwoon who had concrete and valid points. the older boy had concrete and valid points that he made he spoke out loud. perhaps it was because jaemin was used to working with other students who always had a preconceived notion of him being too... mean straightforward that they rarely speak their mind -- and maybe because he doesn't really give them the chance to because most of what comes out of their chatty mouths during rehearsal were annoying. it almost catches him off guard having to work with sungwoon.

the more he spent time with sungwoon, the more jaemin realized that there were several things he was wrong about. and that was saying something because na jaemin hated being wrong about absolutely anything. his respect for the older grew more and more each day, especially when he showed great interest in every revision he had done for their piece. most of the time, he had to prove to people that he deserved that spot he was given -- whether it be a lead role in a school production or directing it. something inside him was amused, almost touched that sungwoon was... listening to him, not probing him or passive aggressively interacting with him. ha sungwoon was genuinely, sincerely respecting his work. and jaemin has never felt a greater sense of pride than right there and then.

he thought at first that the older had hated him, that he was nothing more but a kid who played around with music. it wasn't like that at all, and it made jaemin want to make sure everything was perfect by d-day. although most of his attention were focused on the girls, being a little -- okay, maybe very -- critical towards the boys, he had to admit that the longer he spent time with sungwoon, the more he grew to admire and acknowledge his talent. and it made him feel less awkward with him... tried to, at least. by the time the day of the performance came, they were talking more comfortably and jaemin doesn't feel like he's intruding when he speaks his mind.

the day of their performance, jaemin wasn't particularly sure how to feel. he even tells donghyuck that he's worried that he's not feeling worried today. he couldn't pin down if it was utter confident in his and sungwoon's abilities, or because he's so nervous his body was about to shut down. pushing those thoughts to the back of his mind, he sits quietly -- as always -- during the performances. he wants to do well, not just for himself, but for sungwoon too. they were great during practice, and jaemin was one to admit if felt that something was off. there was none of that then, and even right now. and when sungwoon asks him, he looks over to him and smiles a bit, humming as he nods his head lightly. "it's now or never though..." he mumbles, too distracted by his own mind going blank to think if the older heard him or not.

jaemin can be a team player too if he wanted to be, and today was one of those days. he coordinates his outfit with the older without a fuzz, much to donghyuck's surprise too. he did say he wanted to do this, so he had to really put in effort to not overthink everything. he does as they practiced and with a smile greeted with "we’re your lucky stars, sungwoon and jaemin". if this was months ago, he wouldn't have done it, but today perhaps was a day that he surprises himself with one thing after another because he delivered that as enthusiastically as they should, the smile clinging on his lips and nodding as sungwoon talked about the reason behind their duo name. he looks over to the older contines to speak, going as far as saying that it was his work.

he didn't expect or anticipate any sort of recognition for doing what he did. jaemin just believed that if you can, you should. but it felt good... that the work that will not be captured by the camera was acknowledged by someone who has seen it. and to na jaemin, that was more than enough.

it was hard not to move along when sungwoon sings. jaemin has learned that he could like male vocalists too (other than donghyuck), and that he could enjoy listening to them -- or maybe this was just with sungwoon. he finds himself enjoying, feeling the music more than he thought he would, and this makes him mouth the lyrics and nod his head to the beat. the comfort washes over him and by the time it was his turn to deliver his lines, it comes naturally.

아니 아니 벗어나지 마 Baby 내 사랑은 여전하니까 너에 대한 내 사랑은 어려 하니까 내가 개구쟁이에다가 사고뭉치더라도 딱 한 번의 기회가 더 있길 바래 내 심장의 주인은 너이길 바래 너를 쉬운 여자라고 생각 안 해 그니까 내 말은 미안해 잘할게 사랑해, 사랑해

his mind is calm and clear that he finds himself thinking about donghyuck as he rapped. smiling to himself and being reminded why he was doing all this in the first place. he made a promise, and he intended to keep it. although the lyrics were not his, he made an effort to internalize them, to make sure he delivers them clearly and as he thought the way it should be. he continues to move along the beat, looking over to sungwoon smiling and mouth the lyrics along as he proceeds with the second and final chorus. time truly does fly when you're having fun because the next thing he knew, he was being pulled into a hug. he lets the older speak, humming as he listened intently. it all makes his heart swell, this words, so simple yet so meaningful. jaemin smiles at the older, "it's been great working with you too, sungwoon hyung. you have to let me write something for you in the future... you're... one of my top picks now."

[rkjaemin]

mnet global auditions 5 callback : interview aka jaemin could actually be charming if he tried

although haech had reassured him that everything will okay, and that -- because of whatever force of the universe, he was going to win, jaemin still couldn't relax as he watched the round of performances. there were moments when he snaps out of this daydream state he was in, clapped his hands and cheered along with the others. but for the most part, he was sure as hell that all he had on his face was this blank, unbothered look -- which will very likely be interpreted as unimpressed. he had seen too many reality shows to know how this goes, was one of the who commented frequently on the boards, and now here he is... acting a fool.

jaemin had snapped out of his daze and had began to make small talk with those around him. but he wasn't too distracted to notice that the staff was escorting the participants one by one off to somewhere. he brushed the idea off until it was his turn. and he reminded himself that this is mnet, and that there was bound to be some sort of interview conducted. interviews are what he's worried about the most, he wasn't exactly the most kind when it came to conversations. he could see the hint of worry in their faces when he talks to some of his peers, but it's masked with smiles and relief only comes to them when the boy finally smiles. but that wasn't always the case, he could be nice... if he needed to, wanted to.

he figured it wouldn't hurt his chances to be a little nice and to keep the less than positive feedback to himself. for now. he keeps a small smile on his lips as he finds himself in front of the camera again, and one of the staff asks, 'how are you feeling?' to which he replies to with a quiet yet audible "oh no, here it comes..." as he heaves a sigh and looks away. it earned a few light laughs that he joined soon after as he looked at them again. 'i was just asking how you were feeling,' the interviewer repeated, sounding amused at his response. "sorry, i was just..." he claps his hands together and shakes his head, shaking his arms before straightening his posture. "alright, never mind that, ask me again, pd-nim." his antics earned a louder round of laughter. and nervous as he was at the start, he was starting to losen up a bit, "no, really, i mean it..." he continues looking dumbfounded, only to make them laugh more. "eh, now who's not serious?"

once the atmosphere was much lighter, jaemin was able to deliver his thoughts better. he just kept haech in his mind, imagined haech was in the room and that he was talking to him. it made things easier, made questions seem less intrusive and more like harmless inquiries if anything. 'what did you think when the judges were revealed?' was the next question thrown at him. to this, jaemin dropped his shoulders and rubbed his temples, "ah, yes... when i saw the judges, i immediately thought, wow... i'm fucked..." but he looks up wide-eyed, seeming shock at his own words as he covered his mouth. he thinks to himself that he ruined this interview with that remark, or maybe not?

he looks around the room as everyone grew quiet, and he breaks it with hesitant "pd-nim, y-you're going to put a beep on that, right?" and once again, there was laughter. jaemin scratches the back of his head, "that was a slip, we can do a retake, hold on," he closes his eyes and shakes his head, trying to repeat the serious expression he had on his face before the blunder, "when i saw the judges, i immediately thought, wow... i'm screwed." it only got more laughter from the staff, and jaemin could only laugh along with them. "no, but i really wanted to impress them? i know i'm not the best out there yet, but i want them to see that i'm worth investing on."

'were there any performances you liked?' the question makes him pause, before he begins with a small smile, "there are a lot of talented people this season too," he taps on his chin before crossing his arms, "pd-nim, you're not going to edit this and add the hearts filter and the cheesy music if i say i liked a girl's performance, right?" he narrows his eyes a bit, before breaking into light snicker. "but really, there were many performances that were really eye-catching, with female rappers especially. i think aspiring male rappers like myself should also keep an eye on the girls." he explains. 'that's too safe of an answer, jaemin-ah!' he laughs along with them and shakes his head, shoulders rising and falling as if he had nothing more to say.

the interview continued on with jaemin being more comfortable than ever. haech was right, it wasn't too bad when he wasn't too into his head. he should just enjoy himself -- he'll figure that out next. 'is there anyone you are certain will be eliminated today?' jaemin rolls his eyes and rubs his temples acting annoyed, but soon breaks a smile. "pd-nim, that's even a more dangerous question!" he lets out, "maybe next time i'll answer..." the staff protests playfully, and jaemin presses a finger over his lips to hush them back playfully, 'you're just playing hard to get, jaemin-ssi!'

[rkjaemin]

mnet global auditions 5 callback : performance song: 굿바이 베이비 by 미쓰에이 브레이브걸스 (reimagined)

for the first time in a while, jaemin felt days passed by slowly as he waited for the results of the audition. he told himself countless of times never to have any set expectations for this, that he was just setting himself up for disappointment (even if he denies it) if things didn't work out. still, he constanlty told himself that he did well, that his performance at the audition was one of the best ones he's done so far. but another thought comes stumbling into his mind as frequent as the good ones, one that was as brutal and as unkind as he was with some people. he just couldn't bring himself not to worry, even if he knew well that it would help with absolutely nothing. he was just making things worse with it and stressing himself out more than he probably should.

and true to what he's been considering all week long, he stressed himself out needlessly.

it felt like he was holding his breath again, like he was submerged underwater, pressure in his ears and there was no other sound but the beating of his heart, pounding crazily against his ribcage. at one point, sitting amidst the rest of the selected 100, he presses a hand over his chest just to make sure it was real and not just his mind playing tricks on him. and true enough, his mind was not. there were a hundred and one ways this audition could go wrong, just his being there as, well, himself, was already going to be a problem one of these days, especially with the interviews. he had been telling donghyuck that maybe he wasn't built to be on contests or shows, that this kind of reality programs require a certain... vibe, that he does not have -- which his boyfriend always argues.

the next thing he knew, his name was echoing and like a switch was flipped, a confident smile pulls on his lips as he made his way front and center. he knew the five faces well like every aspirant does. these five faces made years of his life bearable with their girl groups and their music. and now, here he is, wanting to be part of the future these ceo's plan to invest time and effort on. he stands up straight, smile at the corner of his lips, both hands on the mic as he introduced himself. he was more confident this time about performing something he had put together, and the fact that he was doing a brave girls song made him even more sure. it was the perfect time and place to do it, and with everything that's been running in his mind, he needed at least one aspect of this whole thing to be something he was certain about.

like he always does, he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, shaking one hand after another as he waits for the music start. he never thougth that he'd be performing this first official mix he's done, and the first song he wrote rap lyrics for, at the mgas. it was probably not a good idea to do that, but he always thought it would be meaningful to perform it here. 'goodbye baby' was one of his favorite brave girls songs, he's played so much, sometimes he hears it even if there was no music. like his take on the previous audition, he wanted something old and something new, only this time, he put his own style heavily not just to the lyrics by doing a reimagined version, but with the mix as well.

the song begins with a homage to brave girls, then proceeds to a collection of sounds that jaemin played around with. it was different from the fast tempo song that the original was, he wanted this to sound different without straying too far from the original melody of the song. performing was more than just doing everything right, or doing everything flawlessly, someone could sing and dance well, but look absolutely bland. it was a trend, that surely most of them knew. he was thankful that he had done all those productions in sopa and knew how to tune out the pressure of being on the stage. he didn't have to act or practice looking coldly at someone, unintentionally it was his default expression, so when the fist verse approached, he only had to think about delivering his bars clearly.

jaemin wasn't the type to overexaggerated reactions, nor was the social type who would work the room. he was willing to try to be social at least, but he wasn't sure he could do what those idols who excel in variety do. so instead, he'll make sure every performance he's doing or part of, would be memorable or different -- and the good kind. this song, unlike the original, is from a third party perspective, from a guy who sees the girl he likes playing a fool's role for the guy she loves. he starts his verse with the question 'do you know why he calls you baby?', and continues saying that it was not to be sweet or kind, that's not who he is, it's all because he can't remember all your names, and that she is part of his collection. he was still keen on following the style he felt was working for him, lyrical rap and wordplay.

although the tempo is slow, he was delivering his bars fast. there was something about doing it that way that was appealing, to him at least. he's heard very few rappers do it lately, and perhaps because it was hard to keep with the rhythm. he had messed up on his timing so many times when he was practicing this. thankfully, things worked out and here he is not scrutinizing himself because he sincerely feels he was doing rather okay. the bridge lyrics were more blunt and straight forward, as if he was already fed up with what he was seeing. he had thought of several instances in his past that he's felt this way, and he channeled all of it for this. but his chorus, says something else. he talks about how the woman seemed like she's blindfolded, cuffed, and tied down, but he couldn't blame her because he understood, he knew that love was not something that could be explained or defined so easily, not every love story is the same, and that he'll stay close to watch over even if it hurts.

for the next verse, another homage to his ultimate girl group, he does hyeran's rap, tweaking the lyrics a bit to fit his narrative. from the moment he started doing this mix, he had an idea of how he wanted this song to sound like, and maybe a vague idea about the lyrics, but one thing he knew he was keeping was her verse. he keeps the first two bars of the verse, changed the next two to 'won't let the snake pass the walls, and betray you once again', the next two were retained, and the last were changed to 'he can get on his knees and beg, but that's all he can do, say baby, now it's bye bye'. he delivers his chorus again, and the last beat drops, and with it, the weight lifts from his chest again.

[rkjaemin]

part 2 : interview + extra skill extra skill: inspiration

in his mind, the hardest part is over. the heavy feeling spread across his chest has already disappeared when he stepped out of the room. there was a sense of accomplishment having performed something that showcased not only his self-taught rapping, but also how he performed a song he liked in his own style. he had only seen previous seasons in passing, the last one had led him to explore an aspect of himself he’d never thought he’d have the patience and time for. so much has happened over the course of the year, and he truly believed that his desire to perform and to share this with everyone wiling to listen had grown greatly.

jaemin had practiced this over and over last night, lied awake in bed, thinking of the typical questions they’d throw at him. at times like this, being overly prepared is the only way to be prepared. he’d rehearsed three, if not four, possible answers to every question he’d recalled he’s read from personal accounts online about the mgas. but as they were doing his make-up, he just couldn’t bring himself to concentrate, even the thought of having to rehearse what to say made him think he was boring – and that was the last thing he wanted to be, especially at auditions like this. he looks up at the staff doing his make-up and gave her a smile. “did you do your make-up today, noona?” he receives a proud and confident nod before she flashes him a smile back. “well, i guess i was worrying for nothing…” he lets out, sitting more comfortably this time, crossing his arms and closing his eyes. the faint giggle was enough to make him smirk a little, even with his eyes closed he could feel the smile staying on her lips.

as soon as he hears that he was done, he opens his eyes and leans forward, looking closely at his reflection. “wow, look at that…” he lets out, a little quiet, but loud enough for the older woman to hear. he was about to make more small talk when he was prepared for what they said would be a recorded interview. the questions were just as he had prepared for – typical ones that seemed too general, but also too suspicious to be thought of as just that. in his mind, there was this image that he wanted to portray, someone knowledgeable, one who knows anything and everything perhaps. but as soon as it started, all of it falls away. he was answering just like they were having a conversation, not like the kind he was having with his classmates or acquiantances, but talks he’d have with his closest friends, yerim, renjun, hwi, yujin, and of course, donghyuck.

“companies i’d like to be signed in?” he repeats the questions, humming as he chewed on his bottom lip. “royal, definitely, royal…” at that point, he was still hesitant to be straight forward about why it was royal. he liked their style, the image of their artists, although the management could do with some improvements when it came to promoting artists. But in all honesty, it was all because of han yejin. “kt would be good too.” and again, katie lee. he wasn’t sure if the mgas was the right avenue to reveal himself like this, he remembered having almost tackled a close friend before the unnamed older friend – johnny seo – saw the brave girls area in his room. but it’s not like this is going to get aired, for all he knew, he wouldn’t even make it past this audition process.

“so who would you say would be your musical influences?” he licks his lips and smiles at the question, rubbing the back of his neck as he looked down, knowing that he’d be talking a lot more than necessary. “i’ve always been into classical music, and my… my mom loved music a lot, and i grew up listening to her favorites, stevie wonder, phil collins, elton john… and recently, i’ve also gotten into songwriting so i’ve been exposing myself to different artists, i’ve been listening to a lot of dean’s music, groovy room… even eminem, mostly rap and um… girl groups.” those last two words, his voice became quiet, almost as if he didn’t want to say it. but then he was being asked what it was that he had said and he lets out an soft laugh, looking down again, before finally straightening up, “girl groups. i listen to a lot of girl groups.”

and he knew having said that he was into girl groups would lead to the unthinkable. he was asked to showcase another ‘skill’, and he knew from the looks and the reaction he got when the words 'girl groups’ escaped his lips that he had to prove that he wasn’t just saying it for the sake of it. he had his mind set on playing the piano, he could do that with his eyes closed, even matching pitch was like a walk in the park. instead he was showing the staff in the room with him the playlist on his phone, all girl group songs from first to current generation. he tells them that he knows the title of any girl group song just by hearing one to two seconds of it, and of course, there were brows raised. the doubt was apparent as they were preparing to take his phone, but he pockets it instead and tells them, “you can do a random search online and play it.” he sees the interest growing in their eyes, mixed with doubt, confusion, and fascination as they do as he suggested.

when they play the first song, he shakes his head and smiles, “you’re going easy on me, that’s brave girl’s goodbye baby.” they play one song right after another and jaemin gets them all correctly, until they reached their seventh one. “that’s not a girl group song…” he tells them suddenly, but they kept insisting that it was. still jaemin kept his ground, smirking and shaking his head, not a girl group song, “that’s 'i’ by chi chi’s nara, she promoted that as a solo artist, so technically not a girl group song… but that song is 'i’.” the confusion melted into impressed smiles, nods, and fascinated looks as he bowed and made his way out of the room.

the smile on his lips soon fades and he could feel his cheeks grow hot, he had practically told complete strangers about his best kept secret. there hasn’t been any reason to laugh at himself for years, he had been so proud of being so on top of everything, every single planned and followed through. today, he deviated, and for the first time in years, he found a reason to laugh at himself.

[rkjaemin]

part 2 : strongest skill performance song: 가시나 by 선미 (reimagined)

jaemin had pondered over what he would be performing for this audition. a few nights were spent going over one song after another, but nothing seemed to click. he thought about all the previous auditions that he had done, went over what it was he had been doing that it kept yielding the same exact result – rejection. it would have been easy if he was 100% confident with his original compositions, but there was still that doubt that lingers whenever he figured it would be the easiest way to go. he took calculated risks, and this time, the odds were against him. he was using his energy keeping his worries at bay, he’d be too distracted if he added one more thing to his list of things to think about. but the idea won’t be entirely scrapped, he could still make it his own in a way.

he already had about two original songs to choose from, but it didn’t feel like the right time to use them. he ended up getting up one evening and going back to all the pieces he had been practicing on, re-arranging for possible projects and come across one that stood among the handful. he thought about performing a brave girls song too, choosing from his first arrangements… but it came off as too comfortable. and even with the gut feeling that this could be the song, he still decided to sleep on it. the following morning, jaemin knew he had found his song when he started to write down ideas for the verses. the words just kept coming, and by the end of the day, he had a completed song of a reimagined version of the song he had been working on.

it took a handful of deep breaths to get his heart to call down as he stood in his spot. he closes his eyes, reminds himself why he was there in the first place, why he was making this choice, he starts to calm down. the nerves were still there, humming like a tuned down radio, but it was quiet enough to let him begin his piece. he wasn’t claiming to be an expert with love, other than the physics and girl groups, jaemin was sure that he still had a lot to learn about everything else. but it was part of the process, to write songs and rap about things he didn’t know so he could explore the ideas, and hear other people’s thoughts about it. he wasn’t against the message of the original song, in fact, it did make sense for a woman to be bold enough to demand for answers she never got, to ask questions others would have deemed brazen. perhaps, it was why he liked the song even more, it makes some feel uncomfortable… because it speaks of another truth.

he begin to rap about ten seconds into the song, at the same time the original artist began the verse. the first verse begins with him questioning what’s wrong with having the cold look in his eyes, that she was making assumptions without knowing his thoughts, that she never really asked. he continues rapping about a story not having just one side to it, that even a coin has two faces, that every story has one, two, and even three perspectives. he continues with saying that even villains are the protagonist of their own story, and that doesn’t make them crazy, to them that is what happened. he proceeds with talking about a never ending banter, emphasizing the he-said and she-said narrative with a wordplay that he unexpectedly thought about thanks to donghyuck.

when he gets to the bridge, he talks about what makes love change over time, and how no one really knows, that it was nothing and everything. he continues to rap about people only want to win, how it was human nature, survival of the fittest, how loverrs forget their feelings for each other when they fight, and why they’re even fighting in the first place, that all that matters is having the last say, like it was a competition of who gets to say something artists like himself can write about. and as the bridge builds, he starts rapping about hurt people wanting to hurt others too, and people can deny it all the way want, but like that song 'cell block tango' said if people had been there, he bets that they would have done the same. when the last beat drops somewhere around what he assumed to be the 51 or 52 second mark, his whole body runs cold. goosebumps...? it was just sixty seconds, but jaemin felt like he had rapped about something people can think about.

he heaves a relieved sigh as he makes his exit, patting at his chest and smiling to himself. he was satisfied with his performance overall, if he had more than the time given, he probably would have said more. but just being able to stand in front of those people, knowing that he struggled writing lyrics at first, he was proud of himself. it was harder than he had imagined, and the fact that his opinions could be off-putting to some, and harsh to most. but the more he listened to other artists, he realized that some of them really didn’t tiptoe around subjects. and jaemin figured he might as well rap about what he sees and make people think. because what is that if not his intention – to give people something to think about, to start a conversation.

[rkjaemin]

           trc triple threat challenge 2                       song: kill this love by 블랙핑크                                   ❝ 가장 독한 걸로 줘 ❞

jaemin didn't know why he was here, the exact same feeling that he got when he did that audition the first time around halloween. things were so different back then, he didn't have a clear sense of what he wanted to do. he dabbled with whatever felt like would be an advantage, but it felt like blindly running towards the horizon to reach a star -- a dead star, even. but now there was a sense of purpose, direction. he didn't spend those nights writing songs and doing his own arrangements for nothing anymore. those were not just random poems overlayed on melodies -- they were actual songs that he wrote. and one day, he was going to let the world hear them. he can do that as early as now, but he could be smart about it. and him participating in this challenge is being smart

as he waited for his name to be called, he thought about donghyuck, his beautiful smile and cute face supporting him with this decision, and yerim right next to him as they stood in line. he wanted to do absolutely everything, prove his theories, and test everything before completely abandoning a pursuit. he snaps out of his mental monologue when he hears his name, he stands in front of everyone, looking as relaxed as he usually does, before introducing himself. he takes a deep breath, back turned from the crowd, gathering every bit of confidence (and courage) in his body to do this like he had practiced with yerim.

천사 같은 Hi 끝엔 악마 같은 Bye 매번 미칠듯한 High 뒤엔 뱉어야 하는 Price 이건 답이 없는 Test 매번 속더라도 Yes 딱한 감정의 노예 얼어 죽을 사랑해

and who says talent is all it takes to make it? you have to be smart too. the first verse was more like a rap if anything, and he got through it just fine, dancing the choreography that was tweaked a little to fit a boy group than it's original artist. he thought about sticking to the original execution of the dance, but he figured it would be more eyecatching and interesting it he added his own style to it. he liked the way it turned out during practice, and he was satisfied with what he had shown them in the first verse. he prepares himself for the rap verse, his favorite part of the song.

Here I come kick in the door 가장 독한 걸로 줘 뻔하디 뻔한 그 love 더 내놔봐 give me some more 알아서 매달려 벼랑 끝에 한마디면 또 like 헤벌레 해 그 따뜻한 떨림이 새빨간 설렘이 마치 heaven 같겠지만 you might not get it in

it seems ironic that he, who was far from being what the industry would call a triple threat is participating here. yerim is, no doubt, one, but he was probably far from it. he sang but it was not exactly as striking as those performers he watches, and he's too out of practice having been at the backstage for so long. he was a decent dancer he supposed, he learned the choreography faster than he thought. he's been working on his rapping too, and lately, he's been feeling confident about that. overall, jaemin was well aware he is definitely not what they are looking for, but that didn't mean he couldn't give it a shot. he was confident with his current abilities, and he used his strongest asset -- his brain. he picked a song that would show what they were looking for - singing, dancing, and rapping, but would highlight what he feels most confident in, rapping.

Look at me Look at you 누가 더 아플까? You smart 누가? You are 두 눈에 피눈물 흐르게 된다면 So sorry 누가? You are 나 어떡해 나약한 날 견딜 수 없어 애써 두 눈을 가린 채 사랑의 숨통을 끊어야겠어

he could have done that verse better, he's lost much of his technique to do it like the original but that was good enough. he got conscious about the high notes but that was over and done too so there was no point with getting critical. the next part is the highlight, and with the backup vocals that he laid down on some parts - especially the chorus, it felt less nervewracking to sing along with it, "LET’S KILL THIS LOVE". he had been working on his rhythm, so he didn't look like a stick figure flailing around when he did the chorus. it took a while, but it felt and probably looked better than it did a few days ago. hard and smart work does wonders. jaemin knew he can make things happen if he put his mind to it.

Feelin’ like a sinner Its so fire with her I go boo hoo She said you look crazy Thank you baby I owe it all to you Got me all messed up Her love is my favorite But you plus me sadly can be dangerous

when the last verse that he had practiced was done, he felt a heavy weight lift from his chest. "let's kill this love..." he turns around, saluting before he turns his head, breathing heavily as he capped the song at the maximum performance duration they were allowed to do. he walks off the center stage with a smile on his face, although still nervous about the results, he takes out his phone and starts typing: 'this is really what i want to do, baby...' and hits send, telling donghyuck with great certainty about another dream he had been working on.

[rkjaemin]

           royal ent private audition                       song: 걔 세 by MINO                                   ❝ 싹 다 뒤집어 ❞

there was a ringing in his ears, heart pounding against his chest as he stood in that room. he had no lie to hold over his desires now, this is where he wanted to be and this is what he wanted to do. sleepless nights to re-record the backup vocals and add some tweaks here and there to give his little touch to it. he hasn't perfected this producing thing just yet but he's knows and hears that he's been doing okay so far, with all the pieces that he's put together for him to use -- for the triple threat challenge and for every session he did at his makeshift studio so he could hear what he sounded like recorded and live. his mind clears when he hears the first beat, the laugh that he recorded seven times before he was satisfied.

그래 내가 걔다 그래 내가 걔다 임마 그래 내가 걔다 그래 내가 걔다 임마 그래 내가 세다 그래 대세다 임마 그래 내가 세다 그래 대 세다 임마

the song he had pick was catchy, it had been stuck in his head for months when he had first heard it. he had no problem enjoying the process of deconstructing and recording the small parts he was sure no one would even notice. but that didn't really matter, it was part he enjoyed the most -- the little things that makes a whole better. a tiny detail, that if removed would be noticed by those who knew what it takes to put together a good song. they told him to prepare a performance to showcase one skill he considers his strongest, but that didn't mean he couldn't use other skills to highlight that.

What’s up 걔가 얘다 두 손 올려 물론 가드 다이아보다 탄탄한 삶 뭐든 간에 상상 이상 재엠 부엌에서 요리하는 랩 배고픈 MC들은 요기나 해 이 곡이 맘에 들면 쳐먹어 but I’m raw, 싹 다 뒤집어

being realistic, jaemin knew that there was still so much to learn when it came to rapping. but compared to his audition roughly five or six months ago, he was more confident with his skills now. and it wasn't just baseless confidence, or a mind over matter kind of thing. he truly believed that he had gotten better. he had been singing for years before he got interested with rapping, and never in his wildest dream would he have thought himself to strive to be a good rapper. he remembered having thought they were just people who read lyrics fast, people who truly had no sense of rhythm. there was even a point back then that he believed that people who can't sing, turn to rap. but now that he was standing here, performing, rapping, rap in itself needed a unique set of skills.

아무 재미도 없으면 관심 없어 nothing 뜨는 해를 거울 삼아 보는 좋은 아침 남들 뛰어 다닐 때 콧방귀 끼며 조깅 네 자리가 없어지면 내가 범인

he was feeling good about how he was doing so far, his pronunciations were clear, even for the english words. the song was something that he saw himself performing, one that impressed him a lot. jaemin was not exactly the nicest kid in school, sure, he can be if he wanted to. but most of the time, especially before he and donghyuck got together, he was... in all honesty, mean. he knew what the kids were saying when they thought he wasn't listening. and he did very little to address them because he was fine in his own little world. he knew what his potentials and what he could do. there was a lot of brainless chatter, socializing that he didn't participate in. maybe he would have enjoyed those if he tried. if he had. but there was one thing that never did change -- his confident in himself, not just a blind, thoughtless one, but the kind of confidence that leaned on ability.

난 새파랗게 새로 태어났지 이 계산적인 랩은 Technology 너네 집 TV 먹은 텔레토비 공주들은 잠 못 이뤄 난 파바로티 say 호우 호우 호우 bow wow 목줄 풀어 제끼고 왔다 나 한곳을 파 이제 하늘 위의 별 돼 넌 삽질하고 누워 하늘 보고 별 세

he was not sure if this song fits royal standards, but he knows that his performance might just make the cut. he had done this so many times before this actual performance, jaemin was sure he can do this in his sleep. not even a pinch of doubt about his skills as he approaches the end of his performance. this was it, his best so far -- maybe even better than his performance during the triple threat challenge. he wasn't just thinking of his own dreams now, not just to make it. he wanted to succeed for him and donghyuck. for both of them, for what they have. it was worth risking everything for.

Yo, class is in session!

[rkjaemin]

After Tigek JK’s announcement backstage the contestants are told the show is over and they may go home. Before you leave, however, a man quickly stops you on your tracks. “Excuse me. I don’t mean to bother, but-” He reaches inside the inner pocket of his coat and hands you a card. “We were very interested in your performance and would love to see more of you.” The card contains ROYAL Entertainment’s contacting information on it. “If you enter in contact with us soon you may schedule an audition with Royal. Think about it.” And so the agent walks away without much any more information to give.

he'd be lying if he said there was no disappointment coursing in his body at that very moment. but he there more important things that came out of this event than just being recognized as, how trc puts it, a triple threat. na jaemin was sure as hell that he wanted to stand on that stage again, and not just for fun (although that started it all, not that he'd ever admit it), or for the sake of a good college application form, but because it makes him feel... alive. being on that stage will give him the opportunity, even the power to speak his mind. maybe even change the way everyone feels about him and donghyuck.

jaemin glances at his phone, remembering what he had just told his boyfriend right after his performance. he wanted to celebrate, despite not having come out victorious (but who's to say? he felt like he had). but before he could go his way, he was stopped from his tracks by a man, teling him that they -- whoever 'they' were -- were very interested with his performance and would love to see more of him. he didn't feel as much annoyance as he had the first time this has happened, he takes the card without so much as a twitch on his features when he smiled.

he doesn't hesitate and tells donghyuck about what happened. the following day, first thing in the morning, he makes the call and schedules his audition. he gives donghyuck a kiss right after and works to find a song that would showcase a skill he surprisingly was most confident in. this was the window of opportunity that opened when trc and kt closed its door. and this time around, he's truly, wholeheartedly ready.

[rkjaemin]

           kt ent private audition                       song: matryoshka by 쓰리라차 (battle ver)                                   ❝ 날 알고 싶다면 다 열어 고막 ❞

what are you doing?

what the fuck are you doing?

what the fuck are you doing here?

what the fuck are you doing here with your hair dyed pink?

na jaemin doesn't even know why he's feeling nervous. he's stood on the stage countless of times in front of a far more intimidating audience -- students of a performing arts school. he knows well the judgmental looks they give behind those passive eyes and nonchalant shrugs. he's done it countless of times himself when he passes up on doing performances to do stage management for productions. maybe it's innate, or he's picked up his clubmate's habits of being critical about absolutely everything, from the most trivial of things to the most major and technical aspects. he's gone over his performance in handful of ways, where he could go wrong and what he can do, what he can do better, and what he can retain. still, here is, feeling like he's about to go in shock any second as he stood in front of the panel.

there's no way he can back out now, not when he had already introduced himself, and what he's going to do. what started out as fun hobby, something he had done when he's throat hurt too much when he sings. he'd never rapped in front of anyone, at least not seriously. only donghyuck knows he's even interested in doing it. maybe even yuta after that call, which if his hyung brings up, he'd never acknowledged to have happened. as far as anyone knows, jaemin's doing his usual business today, probably making the glee club members life harder than it should be, or studying at the library, and not standing in front of a panel, including katie lee herself, as he waits for his music to start.

rapping was not something he's planned on taking this seriously, and definitely not something he'd have considered to do for his first audition. but jaemin knew that if he got off this gutsy train that dragged him to this very moment, he'd have never done this ever. he'd probably sing a ballad just like he always does, quick and easy -- but the idea doesn't sit well. they say he sings well, but he doesn't know if he truly does. all this time he's taken their word for it. and when he was approached, he was sure they had no idea he even sings. he wants to take this chance to maybe start over, to at least have a choice on what he'll start his first step to being an idol with. to see if spending all those time trying to rap were worth it, or they were hours spent just for mere leisure.

yeah, 날 알고 싶다면 다 열어 고막 좀 더 깊이 듣고 싶다면 더 들어봐 Devushka vushka ah 나애 대한 찾아봐봐 하나씩 세로운 정보를 발견해 끝은 없을 거야 야 야 야 Babushka bushka doll처럼 흥미로운 내 삶은 조금 다를 거야 날 까도 까도 난 영원할 거야 야 야 야

he starts off slow and steady, before continuing to pick up the pace. he lets the words roll down his tongue, follows the rhythm to the way he sees fit. jaemin sort of still feels ridiculous that he's rapping such lyrics and he's hair is all bright and pink. too sweet for the image the song is going for. how he wished he could speak about that too, so he can make up a cool excuse explain why he decided to go for a contrasting way of presenting himself. but he supposed that's not going to happen, not even after he performs. still, he still thinks he's been doing very decently. he hasn't stuttered or messed up his flow.

Umm Adiós 2015년쯤에 렙 쓰는 나 2 years later 성장했지 보는 사감마다 쏟아지는 박수갈채가 set up 가끔 보이는 포기는 날 까도 날 까고 일어나 껍질을 부숴 ey 재민 내가 너를 분질러놔도 넌 계속 왜 안 지고 더 세져

jaemin had listened to this song over, and over, and over, and over again. he'd learned all the bars for the song, slow and fast, the emphasis on certain lyrics and convinced himself to embody the song. it's not difficult from his end considering how proud he is of progress, and the process to get to a goal. there wasn't really much time to prepare, if anything, everything he was doing now was a result of a rap crash class with yuta, his experience from glee club (well, what do you know, something he likes also paving way for his future!), and his confidence in his ability to deliver what is necessary for a good show.

Woo 의문 들겠지 들어봐 앨범 스물 전에 백퍼 난 최고 될 거야 응원해줘 my neighbors Matryoshka version인 a new one 까도 까도 잘 안 되긴 커녕 더 세져 센 척 안 해 for real 까줘 짜줘 작아져도 매워 살아지지 않고 더 세져 날 알고 싶다면 다 열어 고막 좀 더 깊이 듣고 싶다면 더 들어봐 깎아내려고 까봤자 Matryoshka BahBahBah Booyah Ey 사라지지 않아

the thing about this song choice is that he was able to explore at least three or four styles of rapping. it was good that he had come across the song before, and was easier to get comfortable performing it. it feels like he's just rapping at home, feeling the song, and getting lost in the sound and his words.

Matryoshka 내 속이 궁금하다니까 까보던지 알아서 해 내가 뭔데" 라는 말은 집어치울 테니까 이건 명심하길 단순히 궁금한 게 아닌 부정적인 의미로 까려는 거면 접어 빛을 향해 접어드는 이 무렵에 나에 대한 괜한 호기심의 결과는 널라 어 버 버 버 버벅대네 첨봉 첨봉 호우적대던 때는 지난 지금 수면 위의 여유 있는 배들과의 배틀 승리 아닌 패배에도 내 반응은 젠틀 하게 학교 학에회 때 손보였던 어리속한 랩들마저 당당했어 뭐가 꿀리겠어 꿈을 향한 자신은 언제나 넘쳐 더해 확신이 들 때까지 피땀 흘리겠어

the end is coming close, and yet the pressure building on his chest stays there. he pushes through with his lines, does them as he practiced, not a syllable missed and not a word out of beat. that's what doing a song you've practically performed in the shower several hundred times does! he wonders for a moment what would have happened if he ended up wanting to do another song, and a new one he has only heard then? jaemin knew that he would have probably done horribly if that was the case. it just so happens that he's been listening to a lot of songs that he feels fit with his tone and his voice. he lets the thought fall away, and he focuses on the last few lines he has. his hands still do very few gestures, but he still bobs his head to the beat and dances as whenever he feels that it would look okay.

깎아내려 발악해봤자 상관 않고 늘어가는 나의 실력과 비레하게 늘어가며 쌓여가는 작업물들만 남아 헛수거야 시기질툰 참아 참아 목표물은 풍연인가봐 내가 맺은 알찬열매 들음 그 속이 꽉 차 매번 손해보단 이득을 봐 수확을 멈추지 않아 yo

who was he kidding?

he's scared shitless because this is something he had always wanted. he did want to become an idol, but he knew he had to reserve a part of himself, what he does best and what he likes doing for donghyuck alone. maybe that's part of the reason why he's so persisten on rapping. if things work out for jaemin and he becomes a big star who shares himself with the world, he at least had his voice reserved for donghyuck alone. as soon as he finishes the song, he bows and makes his exit. he hoped that what he showcase was enough for the people in that room to think that he's worth investing on.