#jmn:ef

[rkjaemin]

           trc triple threat challenge 2                       song: kill this love by 블랙핑크                                   ❝ 가장 독한 걸로 줘 ❞

jaemin didn't know why he was here, the exact same feeling that he got when he did that audition the first time around halloween. things were so different back then, he didn't have a clear sense of what he wanted to do. he dabbled with whatever felt like would be an advantage, but it felt like blindly running towards the horizon to reach a star -- a dead star, even. but now there was a sense of purpose, direction. he didn't spend those nights writing songs and doing his own arrangements for nothing anymore. those were not just random poems overlayed on melodies -- they were actual songs that he wrote. and one day, he was going to let the world hear them. he can do that as early as now, but he could be smart about it. and him participating in this challenge is being smart

as he waited for his name to be called, he thought about donghyuck, his beautiful smile and cute face supporting him with this decision, and yerim right next to him as they stood in line. he wanted to do absolutely everything, prove his theories, and test everything before completely abandoning a pursuit. he snaps out of his mental monologue when he hears his name, he stands in front of everyone, looking as relaxed as he usually does, before introducing himself. he takes a deep breath, back turned from the crowd, gathering every bit of confidence (and courage) in his body to do this like he had practiced with yerim.

천사 같은 Hi 끝엔 악마 같은 Bye ��번 미칠듯한 High 뒤엔 뱉어야 하는 Price 이건 답이 없는 Test 매번 속더라도 Yes 딱한 감정의 노예 얼어 죽을 사랑해

and who says talent is all it takes to make it? you have to be smart too. the first verse was more like a rap if anything, and he got through it just fine, dancing the choreography that was tweaked a little to fit a boy group than it's original artist. he thought about sticking to the original execution of the dance, but he figured it would be more eyecatching and interesting it he added his own style to it. he liked the way it turned out during practice, and he was satisfied with what he had shown them in the first verse. he prepares himself for the rap verse, his favorite part of the song.

Here I come kick in the door 가장 독한 걸로 줘 뻔하디 뻔한 그 love 더 내놔봐 give me some more 알아서 매달려 벼랑 끝에 한마디면 또 like 헤벌레 해 그 따뜻한 떨림이 새빨간 설렘이 마치 heaven 같겠지만 you might not get it in

it seems ironic that he, who was far from being what the industry would call a triple threat is participating here. yerim is, no doubt, one, but he was probably far from it. he sang but it was not exactly as striking as those performers he watches, and he's too out of practice having been at the backstage for so long. he was a decent dancer he supposed, he learned the choreography faster than he thought. he's been working on his rapping too, and lately, he's been feeling confident about that. overall, jaemin was well aware he is definitely not what they are looking for, but that didn't mean he couldn't give it a shot. he was confident with his current abilities, and he used his strongest asset -- his brain. he picked a song that would show what they were looking for - singing, dancing, and rapping, but would highlight what he feels most confident in, rapping.

Look at me Look at you 누가 더 아플까? You smart 누가? You are 두 눈에 피눈물 흐르게 된다면 So sorry 누가? You are 나 어떡해 나약한 날 견딜 수 없어 애써 두 눈을 가린 채 사랑의 숨통을 끊어야겠어

he could have done that verse better, he's lost much of his technique to do it like the original but that was good enough. he got conscious about the high notes but that was over and done too so there was no point with getting critical. the next part is the highlight, and with the backup vocals that he laid down on some parts - especially the chorus, it felt less nervewracking to sing along with it, "LET’S KILL THIS LOVE". he had been working on his rhythm, so he didn't look like a stick figure flailing around when he did the chorus. it took a while, but it felt and probably looked better than it did a few days ago. hard and smart work does wonders. jaemin knew he can make things happen if he put his mind to it.

Feelin’ like a sinner Its so fire with her I go boo hoo She said you look crazy Thank you baby I owe it all to you Got me all messed up Her love is my favorite But you plus me sadly can be dangerous

when the last verse that he had practiced was done, he felt a heavy weight lift from his chest. "let's kill this love..." he turns around, saluting before he turns his head, breathing heavily as he capped the song at the maximum performance duration they were allowed to do. he walks off the center stage with a smile on his face, although still nervous about the results, he takes out his phone and starts typing: 'this is really what i want to do, baby...' and hits send, telling donghyuck with great certainty about another dream he had been working on.

[rkjaemin]

After Tigek JK’s announcement backstage the contestants are told the show is over and they may go home. Before you leave, however, a man quickly stops you on your tracks. “Excuse me. I don’t mean to bother, but-” He reaches inside the inner pocket of his coat and hands you a card. “We were very interested in your performance and would love to see more of you.” The card contains ROYAL Entertainment’s contacting information on it. “If you enter in contact with us soon you may schedule an audition with Royal. Think about it.” And so the agent walks away without much any more information to give.

he'd be lying if he said there was no disappointment coursing in his body at that very moment. but he there more important things that came out of this event than just being recognized as, how trc puts it, a triple threat. na jaemin was sure as hell that he wanted to stand on that stage again, and not just for fun (although that started it all, not that he'd ever admit it), or for the sake of a good college application form, but because it makes him feel... alive. being on that stage will give him the opportunity, even the power to speak his mind. maybe even change the way everyone feels about him and donghyuck.

jaemin glances at his phone, remembering what he had just told his boyfriend right after his performance. he wanted to celebrate, despite not having come out victorious (but who's to say? he felt like he had). but before he could go his way, he was stopped from his tracks by a man, teling him that they -- whoever 'they' were -- were very interested with his performance and would love to see more of him. he didn't feel as much annoyance as he had the first time this has happened, he takes the card without so much as a twitch on his features when he smiled.

he doesn't hesitate and tells donghyuck about what happened. the following day, first thing in the morning, he makes the call and schedules his audition. he gives donghyuck a kiss right after and works to find a song that would showcase a skill he surprisingly was most confident in. this was the window of opportunity that opened when trc and kt closed its door. and this time around, he's truly, wholeheartedly ready.

[rkjaemin]

           kt ent private audition                       song: matryoshka by 쓰리라차 (battle ver)                                   ❝ 날 알고 싶다면 다 열어 고막 ❞

what are you doing?

what the fuck are you doing?

what the fuck are you doing here?

what the fuck are you doing here with your hair dyed pink?

na jaemin doesn't even know why he's feeling nervous. he's stood on the stage countless of times in front of a far more intimidating audience -- students of a performing arts school. he knows well the judgmental looks they give behind those passive eyes and nonchalant shrugs. he's done it countless of times himself when he passes up on doing performances to do stage management for productions. maybe it's innate, or he's picked up his clubmate's habits of being critical about absolutely everything, from the most trivial of things to the most major and technical aspects. he's gone over his performance in handful of ways, where he could go wrong and what he can do, what he can do better, and what he can retain. still, here is, feeling like he's about to go in shock any second as he stood in front of the panel.

there's no way he can back out now, not when he had already introduced himself, and what he's going to do. what started out as fun hobby, something he had done when he's throat hurt too much when he sings. he'd never rapped in front of anyone, at least not seriously. only donghyuck knows he's even interested in doing it. maybe even yuta after that call, which if his hyung brings up, he'd never acknowledged to have happened. as far as anyone knows, jaemin's doing his usual business today, probably making the glee club members life harder than it should be, or studying at the library, and not standing in front of a panel, including katie lee herself, as he waits for his music to start.

rapping was not something he's planned on taking this seriously, and definitely not something he'd have considered to do for his first audition. but jaemin knew that if he got off this gutsy train that dragged him to this very moment, he'd have never done this ever. he'd probably sing a ballad just like he always does, quick and easy -- but the idea doesn't sit well. they say he sings well, but he doesn't know if he truly does. all this time he's taken their word for it. and when he was approached, he was sure they had no idea he even sings. he wants to take this chance to maybe start over, to at least have a choice on what he'll start his first step to being an idol with. to see if spending all those time trying to rap were worth it, or they were hours spent just for mere leisure.

yeah, 날 알고 싶다면 다 열어 고막 좀 더 깊이 듣고 싶다면 더 들어봐 Devushka vushka ah 나애 대한 찾아봐봐 하나씩 세로운 정보를 발견해 끝은 없을 거야 야 야 야 Babushka bushka doll처럼 흥미로운 내 삶은 조금 다를 거야 날 까도 까도 난 영원할 거야 야 야 야

he starts off slow and steady, before continuing to pick up the pace. he lets the words roll down his tongue, follows the rhythm to the way he sees fit. jaemin sort of still feels ridiculous that he's rapping such lyrics and he's hair is all bright and pink. too sweet for the image the song is going for. how he wished he could speak about that too, so he can make up a cool excuse explain why he decided to go for a contrasting way of presenting himself. but he supposed that's not going to happen, not even after he performs. still, he still thinks he's been doing very decently. he hasn't stuttered or messed up his flow.

Umm Adiós 2015년쯤에 렙 쓰는 나 2 years later 성장했지 보는 사감마다 쏟아지는 박수갈채가 set up 가끔 보이는 포기는 날 까도 날 까고 일어나 껍질을 부숴 ey 재민 내가 너를 분질러놔도 넌 계속 왜 안 지고 더 세져

jaemin had listened to this song over, and over, and over, and over again. he'd learned all the bars for the song, slow and fast, the emphasis on certain lyrics and convinced himself to embody the song. it's not difficult from his end considering how proud he is of progress, and the process to get to a goal. there wasn't really much time to prepare, if anything, everything he was doing now was a result of a rap crash class with yuta, his experience from glee club (well, what do you know, something he likes also paving way for his future!), and his confidence in his ability to deliver what is necessary for a good show.

Woo 의문 들겠지 들어봐 앨범 스물 전에 백퍼 난 최고 될 거야 응원해줘 my neighbors Matryoshka version인 a new one 까도 까도 잘 안 되긴 커녕 더 세져 센 척 안 해 for real 까줘 짜줘 작아져도 매워 살아지지 않고 더 세져 날 알고 싶다면 다 열어 고막 좀 더 깊이 듣고 싶다면 더 들어봐 깎아내려고 까봤자 Matryoshka BahBahBah Booyah Ey 사라지지 않아

the thing about this song choice is that he was able to explore at least three or four styles of rapping. it was good that he had come across the song before, and was easier to get comfortable performing it. it feels like he's just rapping at home, feeling the song, and getting lost in the sound and his words.

Matryoshka 내 속이 궁금하다니까 까보던지 알아서 해 내가 뭔데" 라는 말은 집어치울 테니까 이건 명심하길 단순히 궁금한 게 아닌 부정적인 의미로 까려는 거면 접어 빛을 향해 접어드는 이 무렵에 나에 대한 괜한 호기심의 결과는 널라 어 버 버 버 버벅대네 첨봉 첨봉 호우적대던 때는 지난 지금 수면 위의 여유 있는 배들과의 배틀 승리 아닌 패배에도 내 반응은 젠틀 하게 학교 학에회 때 손보였던 어리속한 랩들마저 당당했어 뭐가 꿀리겠어 꿈을 향한 자신은 언제나 넘쳐 더해 확신이 들 때까지 피땀 흘리겠어

the end is coming close, and yet the pressure building on his chest stays there. he pushes through with his lines, does them as he practiced, not a syllable missed and not a word out of beat. that's what doing a song you've practically performed in the shower several hundred times does! he wonders for a moment what would have happened if he ended up wanting to do another song, and a new one he has only heard then? jaemin knew that he would have probably done horribly if that was the case. it just so happens that he's been listening to a lot of songs that he feels fit with his tone and his voice. he lets the thought fall away, and he focuses on the last few lines he has. his hands still do very few gestures, but he still bobs his head to the beat and dances as whenever he feels that it would look okay.

깎아내려 발악해봤자 상관 않고 늘어가는 나의 실력과 비레하게 늘어가며 쌓여가는 작업물들만 남아 헛수거야 시기질툰 참아 참아 목표물은 풍연인가봐 내가 맺은 알찬열매 들음 그 속이 꽉 차 매번 손해보단 이득을 봐 수확을 멈추지 않아 yo

who was he kidding?

he's scared shitless because this is something he had always wanted. he did want to become an idol, but he knew he had to reserve a part of himself, what he does best and what he likes doing for donghyuck alone. maybe that's part of the reason why he's so persisten on rapping. if things work out for jaemin and he becomes a big star who shares himself with the world, he at least had his voice reserved for donghyuck alone. as soon as he finishes the song, he bows and makes his exit. he hoped that what he showcase was enough for the people in that room to think that he's worth investing on.

[rkjaemin]

You receive a call in the middle of the afternoon and the voice on the other end should be one you already know by now. “Good afternoon, Na Jaemin.” It’s the same man who scouted you back in Lotte and followed you through your journey. “I speak in the name of KT, and, after long consideration, we decided to not offer you a contract.” He makes a short pause to make sure you’re still paying attention before proceeding. “You simply did not fit the requirements we were looking for. Still, we thank you for your time and wish you well.”

jaemin was just about to start doing some papers due in about three weeks. he figured he might as well get it out of the way so he could spend more time with donghyuck and their friends. but as he's working on his outline, his phone vibrates in his pocket and he looks at the unknown number flashing on the screen. his brows furrows as he picks it up, steps away from his study table for a quick stretch -- or so he convinces himself. in reality, his heart started to race as soon he heard the familiar voice from the other side of the line that he just had to do something other than sit idly and feel it all.

he listens carefully, and as soon as he hears those words, long consideration, jaemin already knew the words that followed next. the thought doesn't sit well with the young man, however. his brows furrow and one raises up as the man proceeds to talk. there were a lot of things he could say, inquiries and questions that he'd want. he needed more than just did not fit the requirements we were looking for, it's far too vague. weren't they the one who approached him in the first place? still, he kept his ground and decided to keep silent. "i understand perfectly. thanks for the feedback and the opportunity." he lets out, trying to sound as warm as he could. but the expression on his face says otherwise.

when he hangs up, jaemin doesn't go back to his seat but takes something out from under the bed. he takes out a box that arrived just a few days after his audition. his growing interest in rap lead to get a beatmaker, he needed something more to help him put together the type of music he wanted for his songs. he hasn't even opened the thing and decided to put it off for later. and clearly, he didn't like the taste of rejection so he puts his school work aside and decides to set the device up and to try and put together something he could maybe let haech hear as soon as he's home.