#jk my husband is brooding like this

[cinnamortal]

such a beautiful story. bittersweet that it ended but best thing i’ve read in a long long time!

Midnight Muse (Epilogue)

Azriel x Reader [Art School AU]

Summary: You and your best friend Feyre have just moved into a new apartment for your sophomore year of college at art school. What you didn't know when you signed the lease is that you'd be living next to three rowdy boys.

Warnings: None

Word Count: 2,783

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3] [Part 4] [Part 5] [Part 6] [Part 7] [Part 8] [Part 9] [Part 10] [Part 11] [Part 12] [Part 13] [Part 14] [Part 15] [Part 16] [Part 17] [Part 18] [Part 19] [Part 20] [Part 21] [Part 22] [Part 23] [Part 24] [Part 25] [Masterlist]

Notes: The end of an era 😭😭 Holy smokes I'm so happy and also sad I cannot believe it's over.

_________________________________________

**Seven Months Later**

“Azriel,” you sing-song, bursting in through the open front door to their house. 

At the end of the spring semester Azriel’s father had bought 3rd Street apartments, and none of you had renewed your leases. His father hadn’t even tried to convince him to stay, but that didn’t matter to Azriel. The only thing that any of the five of you seemed to care about was that you’d no longer be living next to each other come summer.

Azriel, Rhysand, and Cassian had found a house to rent on the outskirts of campus. Of course, the place is gorgeous, a modern number that looks like it costs more than Rhysand is making it out to be. He’d been adamant about the three of them staying together, no matter what, and he’d tried to convince you and Feyre to move into another apartment nearby, but it wasn’t the right fit for either of you. 

You wanted something more homey than the new building, something walkable since you nor Feyre have cars. You already miss your old apartment dearly, saddened by what Azriel’s father is going to make it into. Sure, the elevator was a death trap that stuck, and sure, the walls were thinner than paper, but it was home, where you’d found love with your grumpy next door neighbor, though you’re sure in Azriel’s version of the story you were the grumpy one. 

The five of you had spent your last night at the building together, drinking and eating your heart content in waffles and ice cream from Rita’s. It was the perfect last night to end your time in the building, but also the semester. You passed your Drawing 101 final with flying colors, the half swan portrait you drew was something you’d never thought you’d be able to finish. Now, it’s one of your most treasured artworks. 

You’d chosen the swan because of their representation of the awakening of the power of self and self-esteem. When you’d started the semester you’d been unsure of your ability in the creative world, but after hearing the stories of so many around you, Azriel’s included, it awakened your inner artist, and your work only grows more confident by the day.

You’d also chosen to morph yourself with the swan because of their grace. Grace in dealing with others; Azriel’s gnarly attitude, Cassian’s cheekiness, Rhysand’s cockiness, Lucien’s snark, and Feyre’s hidden relationship, which didn’t last long, but still hurt your friendship.

You’ve come a long way since then, and are now in love with the neighbor that had been a thorn in your side for months. Azriel is as sweet as ever now, though he still distracts you from your work these days, but it’s no longer with rowdy music.

You turn towards the living room where you hear Azriel calling your name. You come to a screeching half at the sight of him and Cassian, chests bare as they carry a couch between them, moving further into the room. 

Your eyes zero in on Azriel, his tan chest glistening with effort. It’s move in day for them and they’ve been carrying boxes from 3rd Street apartments all morning. He looks godly in the light spilling in through the large glass windows overlooking the yard. The parties at this place are going to be insane this year, of that you know. It’s all Cassian has talked about since they’d signed the lease, commenting how their housewarming party is going to rival that of Project X. 

“Hey, princess,” Azriel winks at your wandering eyes and you can only beam. So what if he’s caught you admiring his chiseled torso? He’s all yours and you can stare if you please. Although, the sudden dampness between your legs has you shifting on your feet, Azriel’s smirk widening. 

“Can you two stop eye-fucking for one minute?” Cassian groans dramatically, acting like he’s struggling under the weight of the couch. You and Azriel both roll your eyes at the same time, which makes you burst into giggles. “This thing is fucking heavy.” 

“All right, let’s put it over here,” Azriel directs, guiding them a few more feet into the room. They place it in front of the giant TV Rhysand splurged one, and you know movie nights are going to be great in here. It’ll be just like you’re at a movie theater, without all of the extra bodies. 

You and Azriel still have yet to break in the couch, often choosing the privacy of his bedroom (as much as the thin walls give you) over the common rooms he shares with his roommates.

Speaking of, there’s a thump coming from upstairs and the sound of Feyre’s laughter drifting down the staircase. So maybe this new house isn’t that much more private than your old apartment.

As soon as he puts his end of the couch down you’re flinging yourself into his arms, wrapping your arms around his neck. Azriel laughs and swings you around before planting your feet back on the ground and leaning over to kiss you silly. 

The flooding warmth throughout your body only intensifies as he steps closer, pressing his body into yours and rolling his hips a little, allowing you to feel his interested cock in his pants. 

“Hi,” you grin when you part.

Azriel’s gold eyes glitter with amusement. “Hi, princess. How is your morning?” 

Your hands snake down his chest, brushing over his nipples as you go. You don’t miss his reaction to your touch and it makes you giddy all over again. Hooking your fingers into the waistband of his pants, your smile turns sultry, watching his eyes darken. “Much better now.” 

“Is that so?” Azriel quirks an eyebrow. He looks like he’s two seconds away from dragging you upstairs to his new room and breaking it in. You wouldn’t mind that one bit. “Do I want to know why you’re this cheery this early in the morning?”

“You already know,” you beam, rolling onto the tips of your toes to kiss him on the nose. When you try to pull away Azriel growls, tightening his grip on you. 

“You can’t say that and not want me to fuck you, princess,” he says roughly, leaning down to whisper in your ear. His breath is hot across the shell and you shudder in his arms, eyelashes fluttering at his words. You have to swallow back the moan threatening to escape.

You startle at the sound of a loud crash, turning to see Cassian all but glaring at the two of you, having just dropped a box of books to the ground purposefully. 

“I thought we were supposed to be moving,” Cassian tosses over his shoulder and yells up the stairs, “I can’t have both roommates fucking already. There’s still so much shit to move!”

“I’m coming,” Rhysand yells back and you crinkle your nose.

“Ew.” 

It makes Cassian crack, a smile twitching at his lips. He has his hands on his hips and is still staring at you and Azriel in a false stern manner. “I knew I made a good decision to befriend you, (Y/N).”

“More like forced yourself into my life,” you grumble playfully, following him out to his Bronco, stuffed full with boxes.

“Just for that, I’m giving you a heavy box,” he teases right back, but he wasn’t kidding because your breath is nearly knocked from your chest when he hands you one. It’s falsely labeled ‘Az’s room’ on it because it feels like there’s a pile of bricks in it. 

Azriel glares at his roommate as he rids you of the heavy box. You give him a smile in thanks, sneakily sliding out a box labeled ‘couch pillows’ instead. It takes you back to the day that you and Feyre moved into your last apartment, how the living room box had been the last one you’d brought inside before your very first—and terrible—run in with Azriel.

The smile you wander inside with is a nostalgic one.

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•

“Are you ready?” 

“Yes!”

“Then why are you acting like I’ve already put the needle to your skin?” Azriel argues, sitting back in his chair.

You’re laid up on the table, shirt pulled up to your neck, waiting for Azriel to put the tattoo gun to your skin. You keep squirming, not quite comfortable on the cold table top, but it’s the best he can do while he’s still waiting to hear back about his apprenticeship he interviewed for last week. It’s been a few long, grueling days, and you thought you’d distract him by finally allowing him to give you your first tattoo. It had taken you months to decide, and Azriel hadn’t pushed you once about the matter, no matter how badly he’d wanted to put ink on your skin.

Now, the sound of the gun is making you rethink your decision.

You sigh loudly and Azriel shuts the gun off, placing it on the table. He rips the gloves from his hands and helps you sit up, guiding your shirt back into place.

“Maybe we should wait,” he suggests softly, though you can see the hurt in his eyes.

It’s not that you don’t trust him. No, you trust Azriel with your life. It’s that you’re overthinking the design you’d thought you wanted so badly. 

“I want one,” you huff, sadly, “But I don’t think this is the one.”

Azriel soothes his hands up your thighs. “That’s okay, princess. There’s no rush. You don’t even have to get one, if you don’t want to.” 

“I do,” you whine in frustration. You had it planned for weeks, this idea, and now…you just can’t go through with it. It doesn’t feel right. 

You slide off of the table into Azriel’s lap, resting your head against his chest as he holds you tight. You let the soothing beat of his heart calm you down, the running of his hands up and down your back a relaxing gesture. It makes your heart swell, with the amount of love that you have for him. 

Azriel brushes some hair away from your face when you pull back. He’s studying you with those intense golden eyes you’ve come to adore. You can read everything in those eyes; his annoyance, his happiness, his anger, his lust, even his feelings for you, but right now, you’re not all too confident in what he’s thinking.

“I want to show you something,” he murmurs softly and you frown.

“Okay,” you answer tentatively, but his hand is sure in yours as he laces your fingers together after helping you off his lap. 

He guides you up the stairs and into his room.

“Azriel,” you tease, “I already know this room too well,” you say, alluding to his first night in the house where he fucked you over every surface in his room. It was pure bliss, one of the best nights you’ve shared.

Azriel puffs a breathy laugh and guides you to sit on the edge of his bed. You follow his instructions with obedience, covering your eyes when he tells you.

He waves a hand in front of your face to make sure you’re not looking. “How many fingers am I holding up?”

“Um,” your lips turn into the cutest pout when you think. “Two?”

He’s holding up none but he grumbles. “I was thinking two.” 

You bounce giddily on the edge of his bed and his cock twitches as he thinks of you bouncing on his cock just like that. 

“Easy, princess.” 

You stop your bouncing but not your grinning.

Azriel strides over to his closet, pulling out the canvas he’s been working on, when you aren’t around, of course. Well, he only dares pull it out around you when you’re fast asleep in his bed. It’s consumed him day and night, and finally, his masterpiece is finished.

“What is it?” you ask giddily, unable to rein in your excitement or the butterflies in your stomach.

You hear Azriel’s laughter as he moves closer. “If I told you, that would defeat the whole purpose of me asking you to close your eyes, princess,” he tuts and you swear you can hear him rolling his eyes. “But you can open them now, Miss Impatient.”

“That’s my middle name—” your words stick to your throat as you stare at the canvas he’s holding in front of you. 

You’re in awe, struck by the lines so confidently drawn. You’re transported back to the night of his exhibition, when he’d shown you the blackest parts of his soul, put on canvas. 

Similarly to the centerpiece of the show, the charcoal drawing he has in front of you are two hands intertwined. His, with his rough scars, clutching tightly to a flawless hand, a feminine hand. 

Your hand. 

Azriel shifts nervously on his feet. All you’re doing is staring, open-mouthed, and he’d normally take that as a good sign, but when tears well your eyes his heart pinches in his chest.

“It’s,” you choke, pressing a hand to your aching heart. “It’s so beautiful, Azriel.”

He breathes out a sigh of relief, only managing to move the canvas out of the way when you launch yourself into his arms, sobbing into his chest. He leans it against the edge of his bed and tucks you tightly into his arms, pressing soft kisses to your forehead. 

“Shhh, princess. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry.” 

“I’m crying because it’s perfect,” you pull away and he’s wiping softly at your cheeks. Your eyes are red-rimmed and he hates that but he loves the way it makes your eyes pop. He studies them for a little longer, committing it to memory, something to sketch for later. “You’re perfect. And I—I love you.” 

His attention snaps onto your words, holding onto them like they could slip away like a shadow. You haven’t said that before, neither have you. And he’s been wanting to say it for so long now, was going to so many times but it never felt like the right moment. 

And it’s now that he realizes that there was never going to be a better moment than any of the times his lips formed the words, only for nothing to come out. He should’ve said it when he felt it because he knows you don’t care about the moment being this perfect thing, for fucks sake you’re crying in his arms right now and you’re telling him that you love him for the first time. 

He is such an idiot sometimes.

“I love you too, princess,” he admits in a rasp, throat thick with the words. He’s never felt something this strongly for someone before. He wants to be around you all of the time, wants to hold you and touch you and taste you. You consume him, mind, body, and soul.

You’re there, tattooed on his fucking soul, inked in the love he hadn’t known he was missing until you met. The darkness that consumed him was a starless sky, a void waiting to be filled. You. You are the moon and the stars lighting him up, brightening his days.

He fucking loves you. So, so much.

“Yeah?” you ask, your soft crying turns to happy tears, ones he can’t help but to kiss as they roll down their cheeks. “You love me?” 

“I love you, (Y/N),” Azriel says, “I think maybe I always have.” 

“That’s so not true,” you laugh wetly, trying to swat at his chest. Azriel catches your hand in his and kisses your palm, golden eyes gleaming.

“Okay,” he concedes with a grin, “Maybe not always, but for a long time now.” 

You shake your head fondly. Your eyes dart away from him in your sudden nervousness. “Az?” 

“Yeah, princess?” 

You look at the picture once more, admiring it. It’s utterly perfect, just like him. 

Pointing at it, you say, “That. I want that as my first tattoo.”

Azriel stares, shocked. “Are you sure? You know I’ll give you any tattoo that you want, but I need you to be one hundred percent positive. I don’t want you to regret anything.”

“I won’t,” you shake your head in disagreement and the softness in his eyes makes your heart swell. He looks like he can’t believe you’re real and you’re his. You’ll make him believe it and more. Later, you want to hear him say those three magical words while he’s pinning you to his sheets. Now, you want a tattoo. “This has to be the tattoo, Az. It’s us. I want us.”

He kisses you firmly on the mouth. Desperate.

“I want us too.” 

“Then let’s do this thing, Az. I’m ready.”

⋅•⋅⊰∙∘☽༓☾∘∙⊱⋅•⋅

MM Taglist Part 1: @justvibbinghere @nickishadow139 @going-through-shit @honeycries @natashachelsea @thisisew @kennedy-brooke @reiincarnatiion @ccucumbers @secret-ly-here @throneofsmut @cat-or-kitten @sourapplex @magical-mischief-makers @cami26cami @torchbearerkyle @a-frog-with-a-laptop @sevikas-whore @endless-worldss @vellichor01 @bangtans-jagiya @kalulakunundrum @pinksmellslikelove @bookishbroadwaybish @justdreamstars @i-am-infinite @whichwitchisthebitch @i-am-a-lost-girl16 @sia-r @ssmay123 @haivenhoule @18crazybutcutealsopsycho @bloodicka @acourtofbatboydreams @hannzoaks @judig92 @ilikefictionalmen @harrystylesfan2686 @dr4g0ngirl @helensophie @isa1b2h3 @viatorem-maris

[ithinkyouhealedmyheart]

Kenonnie Playlist <3 Pt. 2

Dancing Queen ~ Kendall watches her dance when she thinks no one is watching. I thought it was funny and would play in his head.

Mamma Mia ~ Ronnie is hesitant to fall for him. It's not that Curt breaks her heart, but she's unsure if it will change anything. If this move will make the band fall apart of something. She also doesn't want to inevitably go through a breakup again.

Somebody to Love ~ This really just felt like a song Kendall would play while crying.

Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy ~ He is gentlemanly and romantic. He pulls out all the stops to make Ronnie feel better when Curt breaks up with her. And unintentionally, he acts as a boyfriend. To be honest, I also think this just encompasses Kendall's relationship vibes.

Me and My Husband ~ In a room filled with people who might not like Ronnie, she can lean back on Kendall being in her corner.

I Don't Want to Miss a Thing ~ "I could stay awake just to hear you breathing." God, Kendall doesn't want to stay away from her. But that's a mix of his dependency and his feelings. He's got issues to work out, but maybe he just really likes Ronnie

Our Song ~ Other than the title, it made me realize they need a song—at least in the BTRTV universe. Irl, all of these are their songs, in a way. I'd like to say the Ghostwriter is an AU, so it doesn't mess with canon, but Cover Girl is their song—or more like the song that Kendall wrote.

Why Do I ~ If they break, it is going to be devastating.

Skeleton ~ Ronnie and Kendall want to give each other strength and help each other for the better. They want to hold each other up when they fall. When one is down, the other will help.

My First Kiss (Feat. Ke$ha) ~ THEIR FIRST KISS WAS AWKWARD

Miss Piece ~ Ronnie and Kendall, for some reason, are like puzzle pieces meant for each other. They found a better version of themselves with the support of the other. "Cause when I'm in a room with you that missing piece is found"

Almost (Sweet Music) ~ In Kendall's phase of comparing Ronnie to Jo, for a second, he pretends that Jo is back. He tries to pretend that she never left. But Ronnie isn't like Jo, which ruins the illusion almost immediately. He doesn't want to fall for her and get hurt again.

Talk Too Much ~ I feel this song describes Ronnie, or how Kendall views Ronnie. When she drops her guard it literally seems like she talks too much, but she's comfortable with him. Even if she says things that are weird.

Love At First Sight ~ I don't- It wasn't exactly love at first site, but she was curious about him when she saw him because he was this mysterious, brooding emo blonde.

If You Like It Or Not (recommended) ~ Once they actually start dating, Kendall is exceptionally loyal. He's like a German shepherd. It almost scares Ronnie how much time he wants to spend with her and how affectionate he is because she isn't used to it. She isn't used to someone actually liking her.

Jealous ~ Kendall song. That's it. Also a good song. (JK) But for real, Kendall doesn't like that Curt is around her; he doesn't like it when he talks to her. Even though Curt and Ronnie are going out, Kendall wants him to back off and stay away.

Cover Girl ~ Said song that in this AU of sorts, Kendall writes it for Ronnie because she isn't the most confident and he wants her to not be afraid to be herself.

Say You Like Me ~ James ends up slipping up and letting Kendall know that Ronnie likes him, and now it's his mission to get her to say it. Ronnie refuses to admit it to herself, or admit it to Kendall's face. He just needs her to say she likes him, then he can tell her he likes her.

Haven't Had Enough ~ Their first try was toxic. When they break it off and still want each other, it gets very awkward very quickly because they aren't good enough. Kendall can't admit his feelings, and Ronnie always says what's on her mind. They start as a disastrous pairing.

B Team ~ They are the people they are looking for. Ronnie is the girl Kendall is looking for, and Kendall is the guy she's looking for.

Steal Your Heart ~ Kendall tries to convince her that he's a good option and the best she has, but not in a misogynistic way. He tries to knock her guard down.

Wouldn't Change a Thing ~ Kendall and Ronnie are like opposites attract, but not because of their interests. They fight a lot, and the fighting lowkey has some tension. Kendall wants to save the day and ignore his feelings, but Ronnie gets to the root of the problem before it worsens.

Oath ~ They have each other's backs. Even if they aren't dating, Kendall is always there to help her and vice versa. Ronnie is as reliable as he is.

Stuck Like Glue ~ I can see them literally getting glued to each other.

Meddle About ~ Okay, I feel awkward about this one because my response is they are horny like teenagers are. But I feel awkward saying that. I feel like I'm gonna get canceled, but I shit you, not. That is why this is on the playlist.

Still Into You ~ This relationship will be the one that haunts them into their adult years. Right person, wrong time. But perhaps at this time they aren't ready for the work they have to put in to be with each other.

Ancient History ~ Kendall reminisces about his relationship with Ronnie. I can see him getting a call or a text from her after a while, and it brings him back to the fun they had. But he'll fall for her again, and he wants to keep it in the past.

Juliet (recommended)~ Everyone knows they want each other. A couple of people try to get them together. Namely James, Guitar Dude, Lucy, and even Jo herself. It's kind of annoying watch them pine for each other but think the other doesn't want them.

Punk Rock Princess (recommended) ~ This gives me behind-the-scenes vibes. They run around with each other behind the scenes and try to pose themselves as professionals, but ultimately, their secret gets found out.

Right Where You Want Me ~ Kendall is wrapped around Ronnie's finger. He likes her; he's attached at the hip. He is like a dog. He follows her around and always volunteers first to do stuff with her. He will take any excuse to spend time with her.

Something About the Sunshine ~ They hated each other. Kendall takes her on a trip, trying to be nice. He hopes they can be better friends and she won't give him the cold shoulder anymore. Ronnie doesn't hate him as much, but he still hasn't apologized. She only tolerates him, for now.

[hamsterclaw]

You r never disappointing, i swear you're the one that keeps the Hoseok/YN Tag alive and going.

Hi lovely, you're in for a TREAT today. I went on one checking out my reblogs for all my fave Hoseok fics and here they are, a curated list of all the banging Hoseok fics that keep Hoseok/YN alive.

Category: Mafia Hobi/gang Hobi

Look no further than the sublime writing of @xjoonchildx - the Hobi in the drabble Close Call is only a taste of how excellent the Gentlemen of the Gajog series is, featuring the rapline.

I've re-read Heartbeat by @joonbird so many times because this Hobi's written so perfectly - a sexy, tough guy who's decent and insecure underneath and also so so so so hot.

Category: Sweet husband Hobi

@bonvoyagenoona is the writer I admire and aspire to be like. I got on AO3 just so I could read her writing. I adore all her work and The Cul-de-Sac cons is the story I come back to when I want to escape, genuinely escape. JK is the romantic pairing but the Hobi in this is such a sweetheart.

Lawn boy Hobi in Hot and Bothered by @sahmfanficbts is glorious crack at its very best. Sam's devoted to Namjoon but when she branches out, it's still ace.

Category: Soft Hobi/nice guy Hobi

Project Dream Girl, a holiday story that's heartwarming and snuggly and full of brilliant details, also written by @bonvoyagenoona She writes with such compassion and feeling I will never get over it.

I've lamented more than once that @gukslut is no longer active because her writing is incredible and if I could only read stories from one writer ever it would be her. The Holiday Hobi is a perfect mix of filthy and sweet.

Useless Magic by @reliablemitten is a feel-good romp of a story with clever, clever writing featuring a sexy banker Joon and a sweet sweet Hobi who teaches toddlers.

There's something about Hobi in the holidays, and Ho-ho-horrible by @ugh-yoongi is a sweet, heartwarming tale of a thoroughly decent Hobi.

For the first time by @candlewaxandp0lar0ids is beautifully written, and features a sexy neighbour Hobi.

Category: Sexy boss Hobi, with a helping of angst

I read the entirety of Jungle Park by the very excellent @jimlingss in one night. I've been reeling ever since. It's perfect. I've never seen better.

Category: Kinky Hobi

@btssmutgalore writes kinks in the most beautiful and inclusive way. Pas de Trois is so incredibly hot and also features a side of JK.

Category: Fuckboi Hobi

An underwritten trope, imo. The Hobi in Flight 18 by @noona-la-la-la is so funny and charming you're pulled in no matter that your thoughts are on that airport outfit.

Flip & Reverse It by @neonlights92 is funny, smart and so so entertaining, check it out, it's the best laugh you'll have all day.

Fuckboi rapper Hobi in Holiday Inn by @bangtanintotheroom is frankly irresistible and it's futile to even try.

I think putting Party Time by @sugakookitty under this category is underselling this Hobi because frankly, he's sexy, unhinged and way too entertaining for his own good.

Category: Historical Hobi

The Hobi in Kanalia by @xjoonchildx is the ultimate brooding sexy man of few words.

Category: Spy Hobi

Lightning never strikes twice by @vyduan is clever, sparky and so so funny.

Category: Supervillian Hobi

Versus by @minisugakoobies featuring Yoongi, Hobi and Namjoon and a kickass superhero lead, is one of the funniest and crackiest fics I've read on here.

Category: Demon Hobi

I honestly think about the demon Hobi from Not today, Satan, written brilliantly by @gimmethatagustd all the time, and the outrageous MC too.

Same for this unexpectedly soft sleep paralysis demon Hobi in Whispers in the Dark from the brilliant mind of @miscelunaaa .

Category: Crack Hobi

This tentacle-wielding, dancing Cthoseok from Unspeakable Horrors by @thatlongspringnight is straight-up crack and makes me ugly laugh.

Popping these at the end because they make me laugh every time:

@bang-tan 's fake subtitles in this have me crying.

@jeonjapan's hixtape tracklist is gold.

So hey, anon, for you and for me, Hobi's got a lot of strong players in his corner and writers who write him like he's the king he is. Happy birthday month, Hobi! 💜

[aphra7]

Danger v. Danger

My origin story is purple ponytail Butter Jungkook. I was hooked by the lip the moment he autoplay sauntered across my screen while I was innocently scrolling Facebook (of all places) and then YouTube suggested ON and one video led to another and the next thing I knew I’d forked $22 over to Weverse so that I could call myself a card-carrying ARMY. Literally the same day. And then Sowoozoo (Miami JK) happened and someone on Reddit was like “hey you should watch My Time” and I have been mainlining Bangtan ever since. But it took me forever to explore content as far back as the Dark & Wild era because when I went back that far, Jungkook was just so damn young. It was too weird.

Yeah haha very funny.

With time, however, I realized that my true primary affections lay with Jin, because Jin is total husband material, and he was already a hot grownup when Dark & Wild came out. Problem solved!

Not sure how I slept on this Seokjin. Forgive me, my darling.

I still love you, Jungkook. It’s just, I’m married now.

Anyway, all of Dark & Wild is great, but I have an inordinate fondness for Danger. First, it sounds like a long-lost Michael Jackson song, and I am an OG MJ fan. Second, the guyliner. So good. Finally, my absolute favorite form of BTS content is performance videos, and there are a million bazillion performances of Danger.

My original plan was to rank every performance of Danger, and I began that project, but it turns out that Tumblr won’t let me link that many videos in a single post and its UI sucks too bad for me to break what I already have into multiple posts. I might still finish someday, but in the meantime, why don’t we put the video for Korean Danger up against Japanese Danger and see who wins.

First up: Korean Danger

This video features members doing things that are things other members do. Jimin is boxing instead of Jungkook. Jungkook is playing the piano instead of Yoongi. Taehyung is cutting his own hair instead of Jin. Jin is wearing a muscle shirt instead of Namjoon. Namjoon is brooding, which is something he does, but he is also tattooing himself, which I cannot in five million years imagine him actually doing. Only Yoongi (basketball) and Hoseok (dancing) are engaged in on-brand activities.

The angst is so thick, it’s chewy.

Something is wrong; there’s a palpable sense of unease throughout that isn’t resolved. The lighting is mood and the stakes seem high. They are all suffering, but you don’t know why. You can almost see HYYH and its neverending cycle of misery* on the horizon.

They’re… in danger.

* Don’t @ me. I love HYYH.

The challenger: Japanese Danger

What is with this thumbnail?

I usually avoid Japanese versions of Korean songs because they weird me out, but I love that BTS often goes to the trouble of making separate, fully-realized videos for the Japanese versions. They look incredible in this. The lighting is better than in the Korean video. (I’m a sucker for high contrast.) The choreo is much easier to follow and the vibe (other than dance Hobi’s accusatory expression, seriously, I never want to be on Hoseok’s bad side) just feels different. And there’s a storyline. The underground club gang fight/dance battle subplot with Tae waiting fruitlessly for some girl (probably) to message him back is low-stakes, easy to follow, and satisfyingly resolved.

Also, how cute is baby JayKaaaaaaaayyyyyyy?

The club sequence begins with young thug Jimin busting the door open (I cry) and ends with Tae apparently triumphing in a rap battle. (Did Tae write this storyline?) It’s so good! There’s a happy ending! I love this story! Who needs girls? Not rap king Taehyung!

The verdict:

I realize this is a spicy take, but based purely on the videos, Japanese Danger is the superior Danger.

The settings are better.

The styling is better.

I can see the choreo better.

Jin is extra super hot in this version. It’s not just me, look at the comments. BACK OF THE LINE PEOPLE HE’S MINE

There’s an actual story instead of just “wow these guys sure do have a lot of feelings.” Not that there’s anything wrong with guys having a lot of feelings.

The climax of Japanese Danger is Tae winning a rap battle. The climax of Korean Danger is… he cuts his hair. Which I can’t take seriously because I watched the behind so I know he accidentally did cut his actual hair and not just the forelock toupee, so it makes me giggle every time.

The only better things about Korean Danger is it’s in Korean (I will only suffer through the disorientation of listening to the Japanese version for the sake of watching the video) and Namjoon’s hair. I love his edgy Japanese Danger hair, but I have a real soft spot for the soft serve/Marilyn Monroe look.

Who in their right mind would give Namjoon a tattoo gun?

I take no pleasure in this verdict. I’m Korean-American and never willingly admit that anything Japanese is better, ever, due to the traditional enmity between our peoples. I will entertain arguments in the comments, if anyone has any. But I’m not wrong.

헷갈리게 하지 마

[kistired]

I’ve been feeling super anxious a lot lately so it’s hard to sleep or talk so instead I read like maybe the top ten contemporary romance novels on Goodreads and ….. they’re not that good :( when I first started i was like yay fun then every single book is the same. Interesting, detailed MC who I like to read about, brooding man who MC for some reason believes HATES her but jk secretly he’s in love so that’s why he acts mean. And like yeah I get it it’s a fun concept but why does everybody do the same one?? And only some of them are good at it like in the beginning they have to make them fight but some of them are like actually mean to each other and it’s like?? Even if you’re socially awkward it doesn’t make you MEAN to the person you love?? The only one that was different was it ends with us lol but I think that topic was too heavy for me. I think the love hypothesis was my favorite bc 1. I’m a science girly and actually met my husband in the lab too lol and 2. He was never mean to her like he was secretly in love with her yeah but he just never acted on it, so there was no reason I didn’t like him. Unlike say, the Spanish love deception where it’s like the same thing, fake dating with man secretly in love, but the guy is just kind of an asshole so I didn’t like him? Then they fall in love soooo quickly and it’s like huh? Didn’t you hate each other? And their personalities change a lot bc of it. Emily Henry’s books had nice characterization but again the MC was much more multidimensional and the man had like some “trauma” that we uncover throughout the book it’s a little repetitive:/ maybe if I had read them first they would be my favorite though. Overall though they were all fun reads I just wouldn’t recommend reading like ten in two weeks lol.

[california--poppy]

book recommendations for each 911: lone star character

okay this is just something i’ve been working on for fun but i feel like sharing it! i picked books based on similarities between their content and the character’s storylines (or in some cases, what i wish their storylines were), so maybe some of these only make sense to me. i wanted to have two books for every character but for some of them, i could only think of one for so maybe i’ll add more to this list later based on season 2b. if you have any of your own recommendations i’d love to hear them! 

TK: a little life by hanya yanagihara (sad boy hours) or the great alone by kristin hannah (moving far away and facing a parent’s mortality hours)

Carlos: memorial by bryan washington (dad issues! dad issues! also, you know my favorite character was gonna get one of my all time favorite books.) or on earth we’re briefly gorgeous by ocean vuong (idk. i just feel this one in my soul.)

Owen: the great believers by rebecca makai (i know the show has never once referenced the 80s or even owen’s backstory before 9/11 but it’s rob lowe so i had to go with a book that partially takes place in the 80s + deals with some complicated parent/ child relationships) or lily and the octopus by steven rowley (cancer is sad. cancer is scary. i don’t care for the character of owen but god. cancer is so fucking sad.)

Grace: the hour i first believed by wally lamb (okay hear me out on this one. this book is about a man whose wife is at columbine high school during the 1999 school shooting and the resulting fallout of both of their trauma. he’s in another state when it happens and it takes about a day for him to find out that she’s okay. grace was stuck on the other side of the phone during the factory explosion! how long until she even got to be with judd?? how scary was that?? and i know we saw a little bit of her struggling with judd’s recovery and ptsd and i know her character is calm under pressure and handles difficult situations well, but i can’t help but want to see her make a mistake or be a little mean. supporting someone with mental health problems is hard! nobody’s perfect! aren’t you tired of being nice, grace? don’t you just want to go ape shit?)

Judd: east of eden by john steinbeck (i did not think i would like this book when i started reading it but i really, really did. much like judd himself.) or things you would know if you grew up around here by nancy wayson dinan (did i think of this book because it might be the only book i’ve read that takes place in texas? yes. but it works, trust me. a book about texas, but also the lengths you will go for the people you love)

Tommy: red at the bone by jacqueline woodson (a book about motherhood and figuring out what you want and how nothing’s just one thing. about how all of the members of a family affect each other. i really love tommy’s storyline and the ups and downs in her dynamic with her daughters and husband, and how it’s not bad, but it’s not perfect either) or separation anxiety by laura zigman (a much lighter, funnier option still with the themes of motherhood and changes within a family)

Marjan: less by andrew sean greer (marjan spent more than half of her life knowing who she was going to eventually marry and now that’s just gone. what’s next for her? i’m dying to know! i kinda want to see her lose herself a little before she figures out what she really wants from life.) or circe by madeline miller (it boils down to this: i want marjan to go on a journey)

Paul: beach read by emily henry (okay hear me out again. i thought this book was a little annoying because the character of gus was this brooding, bad boy type who also was soooo in touch with his feelings and always wanted to talk things out when there was a conflict and always said the right thing and it just felt a little flat to me. BUT i feel like a character like paul would work a little better-- sensitive and intuitive because of how he’s had to live his life, wants to be open but has a hard time navigating how to discuss his past with people he’s dating-- plus we’ve seen that dating and relationships are important to him. where’s paul’s ‘this is totally NOT a basic romance novel’ but then it fucking is!!! i can’t believe i fell for that!! moment??) 

Mateo: oksana behave by maria kuznetsova?? (idk i had a really hard time coming up with one for mateo. i settled on this one but i’m not 100% happy with it. a book about trying to do the right thing but it doesn’t always work out that way.)

Nancy: girl woman other by bernadine evaristo (haha jk unless.............)

happy 9 days until 2b everyone!!

[foxymoxynoona]

Foxy who do u think you and your husband are most like in all the couples you have written so far 😆💜

You did it, you found a question that stumped me! 🤣 I've been trying to think... Amended is probably the easiest answer because it's domestic parents who have traumatic backgrounds, but the characters really aren't like us at all. Amended JK reminds me a little of my husband when he was younger but definitely not anymore (LOL sorry babe.) Actually dynamics might be a little more like JK and Y/N, where he's kind of tired and sulky and she's the one tugging them along. But he is no brooding sweetheart Pitbull JK (I think this is the character he would want to be considered the most like hah.)

Fun question!

[riverdaleroundup]

Riverdale Roundup 20x21: “The Killing of A Sacred Deer”

So Riverdale was on last night. I confirmed did not watch. I couldn’t watch it on my tv and I was far too lazy to get a stream up so like here we are. I go into my PVR to watch it this morning and it’s like “ no information found” and i’m ready to fume but when I pressed on it it still played so it was just god playing a little funny on me. Anyway, when I went on the internet last night people were like shitting their pants about this episode so i’m expecting something good. I’ve got my tea. Lets go.

Apparently I forgot about every single thing that happened last episode because their little recap has me straight shook. Like Reggie shot fangs? In what world?

So the Black Hood rolls up at Cheryl's house fitting to kill her and I’m just down for that. I’ve recently decided to stan Cheryl. I love the villian with a heart of gold. Please see season 1-3 Alex Karev.

So the black hood is coming after Cheryl with a casual axe because he apparently misplaced his gun, and he hacks up her lovely bedroom door. Cheryl goes all hunger games and whips out her bow and arrow and shoots the guy. I mean she could have done us all a favour and killed the guy so we can all move on to greener pastures. Like they aren’t going to drag this shit into season 3 are they? I don’t need another pretty little liars 7 seasons of dealing it, A, or the A team, or charles or whatever that stupid show morphed into.

Cheryl is the most casual girl ever. She just calls up Betty and is like “ yeah so the black hood just tried to kill me and i’m going to go hunt him in the woods. Want to do brunch on saturday?”

So Reggie didn’t shoot Fangs. I mean I guess it makes sense. Reggie was on the ground and Fangs got shot in the stomach so that would have had to have been quite the angle.

Hiram Lodge is like giddy about this whole riot. It's like christmas morning for the little guy.

Betty is uber convinced that her Daddy is the black hood and is worried that someone is going to murder him since Hermione is offering up a casual million dollars for the blackhoods head on a platter, preferably silver. Preferably polished.

So Veronica sees Midges mom wandering on the streets looking coked out as fuck and plot twist she was the one who shot fangs. I mean she thought he murdered her daughter but I mean that evidence is so damn thin.

Reggie is hiding behind a dumpster because bitches are out for him. He calls Mr Lodge and is like “ Daddy help” but Hiram isn’t his daddy anymore. He’s got to deal with this ish on his own.

All the football players + Kevin are out looking for Reggie. They end up at the high school where Sweet Pea and his boys are fitting to burn the place to the ground. Seems a little extreme but SP is cute so I probs would have allowed it.

Principal weatherbee shows up with like a bat or something and is like “ What the fuck? All you skanks better leave rn or i’m flip.” Honestly it’s very Mean girls with the principal and and the bat and i’m honestly surprised he doesn’t send them all to the gym for a seminar on confidence. He will keep them there ALL NIGHT. He can’t keep them past four. He will keep them there till FOUR.

Eventually the gang finds Reggie at Pops and honestly no one should be surprised because there are only ever 3 places anyone could ever be in Riverdale. It’s shocking that Pop had to call Archie to tell him that Reggie was there. They had basically knocked every other possibility off the list.

Betty gets a call from an unknown number and she thinks it’s the black hood, but I mean come on. Her annoying ass ringtone didn’t go off so we all know that it wasn’t going to be BH. It’s FP calling from a pay phone being like  

“ My bitch ass little son is a slithery lil snakey snake and ran off. Is he with you? Also your dad is in the ER.”

Betty promptly gets shook because she knows that Cheryl shot the black hood with an arrow so if Hal is bleeding from the shoulder shit is about to go down.

A bunch of crazies roll up to pops and Archie is pissed that Jughead hasn’t reigned in all his little friends but get shook guys. It’s the Goolies or whatever they’re called. I honestly forgot about them. It seems like decades ago since everyone put on their favourite vintage outfits and went out to watch the street race.

So the football players are trying to barricade the shop and poor pop tate is triggered. The guy has been through enough. Wars. Riots.The whole thing. But he knows how to deal with this ish. They going to lite this place up.

The Goolies are ready to take some names but boom. The Sheriffs cruiser appears out of nowhere and the silver fox fires his gun into the air sending the goolies running.

Hot dads for the win. FP and Keller are everything. Fred is there too but everyone needs a duff.  I would like to make it clear that I audibly out loud said “ yas hot dads unite” before Kevin mentioned anything about the trio. Just want to put that out there.

Betty goes running to the hospital and into her dads room but oops get shook. Hal isn’t there, but Dr Mcstuffins is dead. Poor guy. Asked too many questions. Sounds like every single one of my relatives and neighbours.

The phone beside the hospital bed rings because the black hood just magically knows that Betty has arrived in the room, and he’s like “ listen bitch, it’s past your bedtime. Get your skinny ass home or ima kill your mom. Okay. see you in 10. Byyeeee”

Jughead is brooding at the bar when his phone rings. It’s freaking Alice Jr, Penny Peabody.

She’s all like “ Hey babe. Listen i’m still kind of pissed at you so I kidnapped your girlfriend and was thinking that i’m cut her up into little pieces if you don’t come meet me by the docks.”

Jughead is all like

“Omg no not Betty!”  but Penny is behind on the times and just has Toni. At this point Jughead is just like

“Lol sorry bitch. You’re barking up the wrong tree. Maybe call Cheryl.”

Betty comes home and Alice is just chillin on the couch, enjoying her evening. Betty is like

“ We gotta go right now.”  but Alice already has popcorn on because Hal is going to show them home movies.

So Hal’s real name is Harold? What’s sad is that I find that to be the most shocking part of this. So Hal's dad murdered the conway family because they were sinners? What did these bitches do? Not recycle? So Hal went up to lil janitor before he became big janitor and convinced him that it wasn’t Hals dad who killed the guys family but some rando.

So Pappi Cooper killed Papi blossom and became Pappi Cooper as a cover. Does not make sense to me but okay. I feel like someone would done their ancestry tree and put this ish together but whatever.

So the Conway family knew the truth about this shit and blackmailed the Coopers about it. So those bitches need to die.

Hal has darkness and Betty has got it too so watch out kids. Elizabeth might kill next. I mean she already sent Chic to his death ( maybe)

Hal is like “ say it Betty. Say it out loud” and she’s like “ a vampire” jk. He’s the black hood. BUT there’s another black hood. Are they working together or is this just some random hoe? TBD.

Oh heck BH 2 is attacking Archie! Thank God Fred was there to take the bitch down. BUT makes the fatal mistake of not unmasking the guy when he had the chance.  Fred gets shot AGAIN but thankfully ex Sheriff Hot pants gave him a bulletproof vest.

Alice and Betty are confused about why Hal is telling them all this and why he wants it recorded, and he’s like

“So everyone will understand when we’re gone, or what happened to us” or some bullshit like that. I don’t remember the exact words but it was very menacing. So like is he thinking a double murder suicide type thing or? That’s the vibe i’m getting tbh.

Jughead shows up to the docks and Penny has the Goolie with the heavy eye make up with her. He’s like fitting to taze Jughead but Juggie brought Katniss with him so they Gucci.

Penny just wants to live her life and sell drugs. If they don’t let her do that then the Goolies and the serpents are going to rumble, not a midnight, but at dawn. You know. To keep things fresh.

I forgot about this small fry guy and that he’s coming after the Lodges. Also forgot all about Veronica and Hermione shit talking Hiram while he’s out. So like Hiram is going to expose Freds affair with Hermione but Fred was separated at the time and i’m pretty sure he’s not divorced. So really it was Hermione who was cheating on her spouse. I mean yeah it’s not great for Fred but he wasn’t going against HIS family.

Veronica and Hermione are still fighting when Small Fry breaks down the damn door and is like “ your daddy killed my daddy, prepare to die.”

Hermione is a terrible shot and misses the first 7 times but she gets the bitch eventually.

So Sweet Pea and Jughead are fighting about what to do about the Goolies when FP walks in the tells everyone that Fangs died. The poor baby. They vote about what to do and they decide they’re going to fight the bitches. So I mean, shit it bound to get lit.

Although Alice just found out her no good rotten husband has murdered like a ton of people she can still verbally assault him. GOD HAL YOU ARE SO STUPID.

“Are you going to kill everyone who has ever jay walked?”

And damn, bringing out FP. That cuts deep. Kill it Alice. Oh shit Hal don’t kill Alice! Betty beats him over the head with a fire poker!

FP is stressed! So there are serpent reserves? Who would that be?

So Jughead calls Hiram and is like “ Hey buddy. I know you’re the one making all this shit happen so like let’s make a deal.”

Hiriam comes home and baby boy Andre is dead! He runs upstairs all freaked out that he might have to say rip to his fam but they’re just at the table, waiting for him to come home and clean up the dead body in the study. That’s a blue job.

So Hal is being arrested and Archie is like “ omg he just tried to shoot my dad like 20 mins ago” and Betty acts all shook like she doesn’t already know that there’s another black hood. Pull it together sister.

She gets a call from Jughead and he’s like “ I love you bitch. I ain’t ever going to stop loving you biiiitch” and then he says he’ll see her soon. COULD YOU JUST EXPLAIN YOURSELF REAL QUICK PLEASE?

Oh Hell. Jughead is giving himself over the Penny and the Goolies?  So they’re just going to beat him to death and then murder all the serpents come morning? That seems extreme.

Hiriam took care of the body with the less hot ( but still hot) more crooked sheriff and Veronica is done with his shit.

Oh hell. FP carrying jugheads body? He isn’t dead. The bitch can’t be dead can he? It’s only the second season.  Well damn guys. Guess we’ll have to see.

I’m once again not reading this over because I have things to do today. Thank you and goodbye.

[boystownbirdie]

LMWTV4U: GOT S7E3

Welcome back!  In case you’re new, this is LET ME WATCH TV 4 U (?), the blog where I watch tv so you don’t have to! If you missed it, I wrote a special mid-week post this past week which broke down the main characters called: new phone who dis? Check it out here. 

Also reminder that I have a new feature called “Why does this scene even matter?” (WDTSEM) for those seemingly useless scenes which may or may not actually be important later.

Tonight’s episode featured the FIRST EVER meeting of Bae and Khaleesi, so let’s get into it!

************************SPOILER ALERT************************************

We start off on Dragonstone….

...which is the island where Khaleesi and co have posted up. Bae rows up with no-knuckles in a tiny rowboat and meets his old pal Tyrion on the sand. T is like remember when we met in season 1 and I peed off the edge of the wall that you were guarding lol jk lol jk? And Bae is like yep you were so wasted, bro. They also meet Khaleesi’s hottie translator with the good hair who’s like welcome, please hand over all of your weapons. And Bae’s like BUT I THOUGHT I HAD TSA- PRE CHECK! And T’s like naw, we’ve really had to tighten up our policies here. Some horse-dudes also take their little rowboat away.

As Bae and No-Knuckles (NK) are walking up to meet Khaleesi, her dragons do a quick perimeter sweep and really freak out poor little bae (see gif above). Watching all of this unfold from a creepy high-up-spying-spot is the Red Witch Lady who brought Bae back from the dead but then got kicked out and also Sleevey. The Red Witch is like I did my part, I brought Khaleesi and Bae together. And Sleevey’s like… don’t you want to see their first meeting? I think it might be like the Hamilton-Burr meeting in the musical Hamilton? And she’s like nope I got kicked out for burning a kid alive so not really welcome around him or NK. And he’s like ya you better get to steppin’ back East. And she’s like NO YOU better get to steppin’ back east.

WDTSEM? Truly no idea. I guess we’re supposed to be reminded that Sleevey hates religion because a religious zealot cut off his who-ha and ho-ho’s and therefore they do NOT get along?

Now, if you’ll recall Khaleesi is a pretty kewl lady. She campaigned on an anti-slavery platform back in the East and brought together a bunch of different groups of people all while keeping dat hair and dem outfits on point. And Bae is also a pretty kewl dude. He supports refugees and fights for the underserved and also looks fly as hell doing it. I know what you’re thinking, ARE THEY BOTH SINGLE? THEY SHOULD BONE? Well, unbeknownst to both of them, they’re actually related; she’s his aunt. But considering this episode featured a sex scene between a man and a woman who happen to be TWINS, I feel like aunt-nephew is not too weird for GoT-land. Back to the point, this is the first time Bae and Khaleesi are ever meeting and due to their similarities on paper, you’d think they’d get along. But turns out they do not.

Khaleesi is basically like #bowdownbitches and Bae is like naw dawg. They go back and forth for awhile, with Khaleesi explaining how/why she should overtake Queen Pixie Cut (QPC) and Bae basically agreeing but saying his real concern is the giant army of ice zombies. And she’s like lol wut? Ice zombies? Nice try, dude. Next thing you know, Sleevey rolls up and is like ruh-roh! Remember last episode when our pals Previously-Traumatized Theon (PTT), his sis Yara aka the Kween of the Iron Islands, and the Sand Queen lady sailed off to Southern shore to be mobilize our forces down South? Well PTT and Yara’s uncle, Uncle-Crazy-Pants (UCP) attacked them, burned most of their ships, and took Yara and the Sand-Queen lady hostage.

Next, we get a shot of PTT washing up and getting pulled into a boat where he reports that his sis was taken hostage and no, sorry, he wasn’t able to get her back. His peeps are like ugh what’s your deal, bro? But poor bb PTT has been through a lot so give him a break, ok?!?

WDTSEM? Well the Sand Queen and Yara were supposed to bring together all of Yara’s fleet of ships (which was approx. a buttload) and then head to Sand Queen’s home (Dorne) and bring together that whole army and then march up to King’s Landing, where QPC is sittin’ on dat throne. Now that they’re captured and their ships are burnt, this is a huge loss to Khaleesi.

Speaking of Uncle-Crazy-Pants, let’s check in on him in King’s Landing…

UCP is marching down the streets of King’s Landing doing a pretty good impression of Aladdin during the “Make Way for Prince Ali” scene. The difference here is that he is dragging along his niece, Yara, as well as the Sand Queen (SQ) lady and one her Sand Snake daughters. He struts up to QPC on his horse and “delivers” her the gift of SQ and her daughter. Now if you’ll recall, one of QPC’s kids, her daughter Myrcella, got kissed on the lips with poison by SQ a few seasons ago and proceeded to die on a lovely boat trip in which her dad/uncle (Jaime) confessed that he was her real dad. So needless to say, QPC and Jaime are NOT FANs of this lady.

UCP is like here, QPC, I brought you these prisoners, can we get married and/or bone now? And QPC is like yep, sure can! But first let’s beat Khaleesi in this giant, ongoing war. She tells him he’s in charge of her naval forces and that her bro is in charge of the Lannister army. And since UCP is cuckoo, he’s like hey Jaime, can you give me sex tips for when I do it with your sister (honestly, fair question) and obvi Jaime is like NOT KEWL BRO but he has to pretend to like this guy so he bites his tongue.

Then QPC makes a big deal of locking up SQ and her daughter and then kissing the daughter on the lips with poison to be like #reciprocity I guess? And she’s like SQ will have to watch her daughter die and then also hang out in this cave forever. I guess all this torture is really a turn-on because next thing we know, she’s making out with her brother and giving him a blowie right there.

The next morning, they’re all post-coital and he’s like I should...go? And she’s like naw, I’m the kween we can do whatever! And her maid sees them in their nudididity and is like eww?

Then QPC takes a meeting with an important banker who’s like…bitch...you broke. And she’s like gimme a minute, I got dis.

We stop back by Dragonstone to catch Bae bein’ Bae…

By which I mean he’s brooding by a cliff. And Tyrion is like damn I was trying to brood but you look hawter doing it, which is v. true really. They chat about what went wrong back at that meeting between Khaleesi and Bae. Tyrion tells Bae to take a chill pill and think about how crazy he sounds talkin’ bout ice zombies and whatnot. He also tells Bae about all the good things Khaleesi has done and how she’s actually a pretty cool lady. Then he goes and does the same with Khaleesi, basically. He’s like Bae’s a cool guy and all he wants from you are these rocks that you have under your castle that you’re NOT EVEN USING so just let him do that. And she’s like ok fine.

So then we get to Bae-Khaleesi-meeting 2.0 where it’s just the 2 of them, standing on this cliff chatting kween-to-king. She agrees to let him mine the “dragonglass” (rocks that kill ice zombies) under her castle and he kind of agrees to support her in her campaign against QPC? Well mostly he agrees that QPC is no good and Khaleesi would be a better kween. Then Bae’s like… does this mean you believe me re: ice zombies? And Khaleesi is like… no comment.

We head North to Winterfell, where Bae’s sis Sansa was left in charge

And boy is she doing a good job! Which is kind of surprising, only because we’ve never seen her utilize these skills before. She’s walking around telling people to start storing their barley for winter and telling the metal-workers to line their breastplates with leather and generally being a BOSS. Littlefinger, AS ALWAYS, is creeping around behind her doing nothing helpful. He stops to give her some advice about imagining every possible scenario at all times which is like, sure, a good idea in theory but who has time for that?!?

Suddenly her little bro, Bran, who she was told was maybe dead, shows up in Winterfell. She’s like OMG YASS KWEEN YOU’RE ALIVE! And Bran is just sitting there (to be fair he is paraplegic so he couldn’t get up) staring straight ahead and is acting all robotic. I guess it’s because he’s been through some trauma but at this point so has almost every character on GoT and they still manage to register human emotion.

They proceed to have a heart-2-heart by the old-family-magic-face-tree and she’s like so...what’s been going on in the last 6 seasons? And he’s like I am the three-eyed-raven now I can see the past and the present and all scenarios at all times (hmm interesting that this is exactly what littlefinger just advised her to do...) And she’s like cool….so….do you want to be in charge now since you are the oldest living official Stark male and gender roles are apparently still a BFD up North? And he’s like can’t… I have to prophesize. Btw where’s Bae? We know as savvy viewers that he’s looking for Bae because he needs to tell him about the paternity results. 

And then he vividly describes the night she was married off to her psychopath-ex-husband who then proceeded to rape her. He keeps talking about it, too, which I guess is to prove that he can see the past but also NOT trauma-informed and not a welcome conversation. It’s weird.

We stop by Old Town which is more and more like Hogwarts every day…

Mostly because Jim Broadbent is there and because people are getting miraculously cured from turning-to-stone-diseases. Sam, Bae’s bestie, is still interning at the “maester” academy, learning to be a doctor/librarian and you’ll recall that last week he did some under-the-radar experimental surgery to treat Stoney, who happens to be one of Khaleesi’s besties. Now get this, STONEY IS CURED! The artist-formerly-known-as-Stoney is like thanks, Sam, I gotta get back to Khaleesi! And Sam’s boss is like I know you did that amateur surgery and you’re in big trouble but also good job I’m proud of you.

Our last scene is really a montage of scenes so let’s get into it…

I have to admit that even I, GoT-viewing-expert (lol), was confused and overwhelmed by this last scene. So I’ll try to break it down as clearly as I can, but bear with me. We start with Tyrion laying out the current battle plan. Since Khaleesi is pretty ticked that their ships (well technically Yara’s ships but under her direction) were all destroyed by UCP, she mentions finding UCP’s ships and burning them up. How? Well duh, she got dem dragons! It’s strange because I’m pretty sure she’s talking about riding them and commanding them while at the helm, but she never really says this clearly. And Tyrion is like no that’s too dangerous, someone else should do it. Does he mean himself? MAYBE? TBD...

But for now, let’s get into the current battle zones:

Greyworm (fresh off his recent sex scene from last week) and the rest of the “unsullied” army, were sent by Khaleesi and Tyrion to overtake T’s family home, Casterly Rock. There’s this whole montage that Tyrion helpfully narrates about how if the unsullied were to attack Casterly Rock by just popping up on the fortress, they’d be crushed since it was built so well. BUT since Tyrion used to sneak in his sex ladies and booze and other “unsavory” things through the sewer system, he knows it very well. So he instructs Greyworm and a small group to come in through the back and engage in sneak-attack-warfare. They successfully take Casterly Rock, but they’re like...that’s funny...there were supposed to be a lot more people here? And they look out to the sea where it looks like UCP’s ships are burning up all of the ships they rode in on. Which is a real bummer.

Meanwhile, the rest of the Lannister army (all the people who were missing when Greyworm and co. attacked)  led by Jaime, is shown marching on “Highgarden” which is where Grandma Tyrell (Gma) lives, apparently completely alone. Remember that Gma’s son and grandkids all got burned up in that church-explosion by QPC last season and then she decided to back Khaleesi? She also told Khaleesi not to trust Tyrion and to “be a dragon.” Gma is looking out at this whole army of Lannister dudes and is like well...IDGAF at this point, really. Important to note that Sam’s Dad (who is a major dick) and Sam’s bro (who’s actual name is Dickon) as well as Tyrion’s old pal Bronn are on the front lines with Jaime, even though last week Sam’s dad was like I could NEVER betray Gma Tyrell.

WDTSEM? Remember when QPC said she’d pay back all of her debts to the banker? Well Highgarden is famously wealthy and has lots of important exports (like grains, for example). So with Jaime and QPC in possession of all of that, as well the coffers of Casterly Rock which he says he cleared out, they can now pay them back, theoretically. Also, Highgarden is down South so now QPC and co have a stronghold down there.

Jaime meets Gma in her study for some light refreshments and death threats. Gma is like well… shoulda seen this coming. Also, did you know your sister/lover is the worst human ever? Like seriously a sociopath? And Jaime is like, oh you think she’s so bad? Well how about this? She is going to let you die from poison rather than torture- isn’t that sweet?!? And gma is like ugh whatever give me the poison, put it in my wine plz. She drinks it in one gulp and then she’s like oh, BTW, I know that Joffrey (the evil little prince dude who was poisoned and killed at his wedding to Gma’s granddaughter, Queen Makeunder) is your son cuz of incest and also, I’m the one who poisoned him. And Jaime is like maybe mad or maybe not? Maybe just surprised? Gma is like tell QPC that it was me who killed Joffrey, k? Ps I hate QPC ok bai, time to die. 

WDTSEM? For so long QPC’s only redeeming quality (as told by all of the other characters) was her love for her children. After all 3 had died, she took over the throne and started in on this crazy reign of terror. Now she has SQ captive and is torturing her for killing her daughter and with this admission, she’s also killed the person responsible for one of her son’s deaths. Will ticking off those responsible for killing her main motivation in life help her find closure or make her more of a monster? I’d guess the latter.

Now let’s break it down:

Biggest surprise this ep: The attack on Highgarden! I did not see that coming and also did not fully understand at first. The way the scene was shot, it seemed like gma was in on this invasion, but obviously she was not, as she was later killed by said invaders.

Biggest letdown: Bran was so lackluster and un-enthuz’ed about finally seeing his sister and his hometown again. It’s like we get that you have magic powers now but could you show some effort here?

Important fashion moments: Bae’s meeting-the-kween-but-I-also-have-armor-on look was pretty fly and even though she is THE WORST, I was feeling the red-witch-lady’s linen-y red scarf/cape 

Who died this ep? The Sand Queen’s daughter (the last of the “Sand Snakes”), a bunch of unsullied soldiers out at sea, and Olenna Tyrell (aka gma Tyrell) RIP. 

Check in this time next week for more LMWTV4U and thanks for reading. Tell your friends!

Correction: I’ve recently discovered that I’ve been spelling Jaime Lannister’s name wrong for my entire blog-writing career. My apologies. 

Also, you might IDGAF this but just to lay it out there, I purposefully avoid all other recaps/reviews/think-pieces about the latest episode in the time between watching the ep and writing this recap. Sometimes I will hop on to the GoT wiki page to find out a character’s name or check a fact but mostly it’s just my own notes that I reference. 

WHY AM I EVEN SAYING THIS? I often will read other recaps/reviews after writing and posting this one and I’m like OMG WE HAD THE SAME REACTION/ SAID THE SAME THING about a scene or a character. So I guess I just wanted to say that any similarities between this recap and any other recap are unintentional and coincidental. 

I know what you’re thinking: PROVE IT. Well, much like Bae trying to prove the ice zombies are real, I can’t prove it, I can only state the facts and hope that my time-worn face and honest peepers will be enough :)