#jimmy smits was cool in this too

[agentem]

Pedro Pascal talks about his "moment" which he considers everything after Game of Thrones with Variety (it's a for your consideration thing for promoting The Last of Us to Emmy voters) and how 28 Days Later influenced him to take TLoU.

It'd be cool if he were nominated for The Last of Us. I could only get through the first three episodes because it was too bleak for me but it was well-done. And the interviewer points out only ONE Latinx man (Jimmy Smits) has been nominated for the best lead actor in a drama. Which is CRAZY.

The interviewer mentions Diego Luna (Andor) might also get nominated this year. I sort of can't imagine a Star Wars show getting serious dramatic Emmys but that would be cool.

[helena-edits-in-real-time]

24 + Names

Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 | Day 5 | Day 6 | Day 7 | Day 8 | LAD | Legacy

Inspired by: https://goodplaceofunfortunatevents.tumblr.com/post/190350200616

[writemarcus]

HITTING NEW HEIGHTS

BY MARCUS SCOTT

ORIGINAL RENT STAR DAPHNE RUBIN-VEGA TAKES YOU INSIDE THE IN THE HEIGHTS FILM

Qué quiere decir sueñito?” The disembodied voice of a girlchild ponders. “It means ‘little dream,’” responds an unseen authoritative figure, his feathery tenor with a soft rasp and tender lilt implying there’s more to the story.

Teal waves crash against the white sand coastal lines of the Dominican Republic and a quartet of children plead with the voice to illuminate and tell a story. Usnavi de la Vega (played by Anthony Ramos), sporting his signature newsboy flat cap and full goatee, begins to narrate and weave a tall-tale from the comforts of his beachside food cart: “This is the story of a block that was disappearing. Once upon a time in a faraway land called Nueva York, en barrio called Washington Heights. Say it, so it doesn’t disappear,” he decrees.

And we’re off, this distant magic kingdom ensnared within the winding urban sprawl of farthest-uptown Manhattan, the music of the neighborhood chiming with infinite possibilities: a door-latch fastening on tempo, a ring of keys sprinkling a sweet embellishment, the splish-splash of a garden hose licking the city streets like a drumstick to a snare fill, a manhole cover rotating like vinyl on a get-down turntable, the hiss of paint cans spraying graffiti like venoms from cobras and roll-up steel doors rumbling, not unlike the ultra-fast subway cars zigzagging underground. So begins the opening moments of In the Heights, the Warner Bros. stage-to-screen adaptation of the Tony Award-winning musical by composer-lyricist Lin-Manuel Miranda (Hamilton) and librettist Quiara Alegría Hudes (Water by the Spoonful) that is set to premiere in movie theatres and on HBO Max on June 11, 2021.

This stunning patchwork of visuals and reverberations combine to create a defiant and instantly memorable collage of inner-city living not seen since Walter Hill’s 1979 cult classic The Warriors or West Side Story, the iconic romantic musical tragedy directed on film by Robert Wise and original Broadway director Jerome Robbins. With Jon M. Chu at the helm, the musical feature has all the trademarks of the director’s opulent signature style: Striking spectacles full of stark colors, va-va-voom visuals, ooh-la-la hyperkinetic showstopping sequences and out-of-this-world destination locations.

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A Kind of Priestess

Joining the fray of proscenium stage vets in the film is Broadway star Daphne Rubin-Vega, who originated the role of Mimi in the Off-Broadway and Broadway original productions of Rent. She returns to major motion pictures after a decade since her last outing in Nancy Savoca’s Union Square, which premiered at the Toronto International Film Festival in 2011. When we caught up with Rubin-Vega, she was hard at work, in-between rehearsals with her In the Heights co-star Jimmy Smits on Two Sisters and a Piano, the 1999 play by Miami-based playwright Nilo Cruz, a frequent collaborator. Rubin-Vega netted a Tony Award nomination for Best Featured Actress in a Play for her role as the enraptured Conchita in Cruz’s Anna in the Tropics; that same year Cruz was awarded the 2003 Pulitzer Prize for Drama, making him the first Latino playwright to receive the honor. Despite significant global, social and economic disruption, especially within the arts community, Rubin-Vega has been working throughout the COVID-19 pandemic.

“People around me have [contracted] COVID… My father-in-law just had it. I’m very fortunate,” Rubin-Vega said. “This collective experience, it’s funny because it’s a year now and things seem better. Last year it was, like, ‘Damn, how inconvenient!’ The one comfort was that, you know, it’s happening to every one of us. That clarity that this is a collective experience is much more humbling and tolerable to me.”

The last time Rubin-Vega graced Washington Heights on screen or stage, she acted in the interest of survival and hunger as a probationer released after a 13-year stint in prison and given a new lease on life as an unlicensed amateur masseuse in the basement of an empanada shop in Empanada Loca, The Spalding Gray-style Grand Guignol horror play by Aaron Mark at the LAByrinth Theater Company in 2015. In In the Heights she plays Daniela, an outrageously vivacious belting beautician with a flair for the dramatics, forced to battle a price-gouging real estate bubble in the wake of gentrification.

“She’s like the deputy or the priestess,” Rubin-Vega said. “Owning a salon means that you have a lot of information; you’re in a hub of community, of information, of sharing… it’s also where you go for physical grooming. It’s a place where women were empowered to create their own work and it is a place of closeness, spiritual advice, not-so-spiritual advice. Physical attention.”

She said, “Daniela also being an elder; I think she’s not so much a person that imposes order on other people. She’s there to bring out the best—she leads with love. She tells it like it is. I don’t think she sugar-coats things. What you see is what you get with Daniela. It’s refreshing; she has a candor and sure-footedness that I admire.”

With the film adaptation, Chu and Hudes promised to expand the universe of the Upper Manhattan-based musical, crafting new dimensions and nuances to two characters in particular: Daniela and hairdresser Carla, originally portrayed as business associates and gossip buddies in the stage musical. On the big screen they are reimagined as romantic life partners. Stephanie Beatriz, known to audiences for her hilarious turn as the mysterious and aloof Detective Rosa Diaz in the police procedural sitcom romp “Brooklyn Nine-Nine,” co-stars as the fast-talking firecracker, Carla.

It’s been a year waiting, you know. It’s like the lid’s been on it and so we’re just so ready to explode.

Where Is Home?

“Well, Quiara and Jon really expanded on what Lin and Quiara originally created and now they’re partners—and not just work partners, right? But they’re life partners,” Beatriz said at a March press event celebrating the release of the film’s two promo trailers. “What was so gratifying to me as a person who is queer is to see this relationship in the film be part of the fabric of the community, and to be normal, and be happy and functioning, and part of the quilt they’ve all created.”

She continued, “So much of this film is about where home is and who home is to you. And for Carla, Daniela is home. Wherever Daniela is, that’s where Carla feels at home. I thought that they did such a beautiful job of guiding us to this, really, you know, it’s just a happy functioning relationship that happens to be gay and in the movie. And I love that they did that, because it is such a part of our world.”

Rubin-Vega said she had no interest in playing any trope of what one might think a lesbian Latina might look or act like, noting that the queer experience isn’t monolithic, while expressing that the role offered her a newfound freedom, especially with regard to being present in the role and in her everyday life.

“Spoiler alert! I felt like not wearing a bra was going to free me. Did I get it right? Am I saying that gay women don’t wear bras? No, it was just a way for me to be in my body and feel my breasts. To feel my femaleness and celebrate it in a more unapologetic way,” she said, laughing. “To be honest, I was really looking forward to playing a lesbian Latina. It’s something that I hadn’t really explored before. Latinos [can be] very homophobic as a culture, and I wanted to play someone who didn’t care about homophobia; I was gonna live my best life. That’s a bigger thing. It’s also like, maybe I’m bisexual. Who knows? Who cares? If you see that in the film, that’s cool too, you know?”

Stand-out performances abound, especially with regard to the supporting cast; newcomers Melissa Barrera (in a role originated by Tony Award winner Karen Olivo) and Gregory Diaz IV (replacing three-time Tony Award nominee Robin de Jesús) are noteworthy as the aspiring fashion designer Vanessa and budding activist Sonny. Olga Merediz, who earned a Tony Award nomination for originating her role as Abuela Claudia, returns to the silver screen in a captivating performance that will be a contender come award season. However, Rubin-Vega may just be the one to watch. Her performance is incandescent and full of moxie, designed to raise endorphin levels. She leads an ensemble in the rousing “Carnaval del Barrio,” a highlight in the film.

Musical Bootcamp

“We shot in June [2019]. In April, we started musical bootcamp. In May, we started to do the choreography. My big joke was that I would have to get a knee replacement in December; that was in direct relation to all that choreography. I mean, there were hundreds of A-1 dancers in the posse,” Rubin-Vega said. “The family consisted of hundreds of superlative dancers led by Chris[topher] Scott, with an amazing team of dancers like Ebony Williams, Emilio Dosal, Dana Wilson, Eddie Torres Jr. and Princess Serrano. We rehearsed a fair bit. Monday through Friday for maybe five weeks. The first day of rehearsal I met Melissa [Barrera] and Corey [Hawkins], I pretty much hadn’t known everyone yet. I hadn’t met Leslie [Grace] yet. Chris Scott, the choreographer, just went straight into ‘let’s see what you can do.’ It was the first [dance] routine of ‘In The Heights,’ the opening number. He was like, ‘OK, let’s go. Five, six, seven, eight!’”

Rubin-Vega said that she tried to bring her best game, though it had “been a minute” since she had to execute such intricate choreography, noting that they shot the opening number within a day while praising Chu’s work ethic and leadership.

“There was a balance between focus and fun and that’s rare. Everyone was there because they wanted to be there,” she said. “I think back to the day we shot ‘96,000.’ That day it wouldn’t stop raining; [it was] grey and then the sky would clear and we’d get into places and then it would be grey again and so we’d have to wait and just have to endure. But even the bad parts were kind of good, too. Even the hottest days. There were gunshots, there was a fire while we were shooting and we had to shut down, there was traffic and noise and yet every time I looked around me or went into video village and saw the faces in there, I mean…it felt like the only place to be. You want to feel like that in every place you are: The recognition. I could recognize people who look like me. For now on, you cannot say I’ve never seen a Panamanian on film before or a Columbian or a Mexican, you know?”

Another Notion of Beauty

Rubin-Vega’s professional relationship with the playwright Hudes extends to 2015, when she was tapped to [participate in the] workshop [production of]  Daphne’s Dive. Under the direction of Thomas Kail (Hamilton) and starring alongside Samira Wiley (“The Handmaid’s Tale,” “Orange Is the New Black”), the play premiered Off-Broadway at the Pershing Square Signature Center the following year. Rubin-Vega also starred in Miss You Like Hell, the cross-country road musical by Hudes and Erin McKeown, which premiered at La Jolla Playhouse in 2016 before it transferred to The Public Theater in 2018. With her participation in the production of In the Heights, she is among the few to have collaborated with all of the living Latinx playwrights to have won the Pulitzer Prize; Hudes won the 2012 Pulitzer Prize for Drama for her play Water by the Spoonful, while Miranda took home the 2016 Pulitzer Prize for Drama for Hamilton. Speaking on her multiple collaborations over the years, Rubin-Vega also acknowledged having known Miranda years before they would join voices.

“Lin to me is like a little bro or legacy; he’s a direct descent to me from [Rent author] Jonathan Larson, which is a bigger sort of all-encompassing arch,” she said, though she stressed that she auditioned like everyone else, landing the role after two or three callbacks. “Quiara and I have a wonderful working and personal relationship, I think. Which isn’t to say I had dibs by any means because…it’s a business that wants the best for itself, I suppose. […] So, when I walked in, I was determined to really give it my best.”

Life During and After Rent

Rubin-Vega has built an impressive resume over the course of her career, singing along with the likes of rock stars like David Bowie and starring in a multitude of divergent roles on Broadway and off. From a harrowing Fantine in Les Misérables and a co-dependent Stella in A Streetcar Named Desire to a sinister Magenta in The Rocky Horror Show, her evolution into the atypical character actor and leading lady can be traced back 25 years to January 25, 1996, when Larson’s groundbreaking musical Rent, a retelling of Giacomo Puccini’s 19th-century opera La Bohème, premiered at the New York Theatre Workshop. On the morning of the first preview, Larson suffered an aortic dissection, likely from undiagnosed Marfan’s syndrome and died at the age of 35, just ten days shy of what would have been his 36th birthday.

On April 29, 1996, due to overwhelming popularity, Rent transferred to Nederlander Theatre on Broadway, tackling contemporary topics the Great White Way had rarely seen, such as poverty and class warfare during the AIDS epidemic in New York City’s gritty East Village at the turn of the millennium. Rubin-Vega would go on to be nominated for the Tony Award for Best Performance by a Leading Actress in a Musical for her role as sex kitten Mimi Márquez, an HIV-positive heroin addict and erotic dancer.

  The show became a cultural phenomenon, receiving several awards including the Pulitzer Prize for Drama and four Tony Awards, including Best Musical. Rubin-Vega and members of the original Broadway cast were suddenly overnight sensations, recording “Seasons of Love” alongside music icon Stevie Wonder, receiving a photo shoot with Vanity Fair and landing the May 13, 1996 cover of Newsweek. Throughout its 12-year Broadway run, many of the show’s original cast members and subsequent replacements would go on to be stars, including Renée Elise Goldsberry, who followed in Rubin-Vega’s footsteps to play the popular character before originating the role of Angelica Schuyler in Hamilton, for which she won the 2016 Tony Award for Best Featured Actress in a Musical.

When the screen adaptation of Rent hit cinemas in 2005 under the direction of Chris Columbus, Rubin-Vega’s conspicuous absence came as a blow to longtime fans. The confluence of pregnancy with the casting and filming process of Rent hindered her from participating at the time. The role was subsequently given to movie star Rosario Dawson.

“First of all, if you’re meant to be in a film, you’re meant to be in it,” Rubin-Vega said. “That’s just the way it goes. It took a quarter of a century but this [In the Heights] is a film that I wanted to make, that I felt the elements sat right. I always felt that Rent was a little bit darker than all that. Rent to me is Rated R. In The Heights is not. It’s also a testament. Unless it’s sucking your soul and killing you softly or hardly, just stick with it. This is a business and I keep forgetting it’s a business because actors just want to show art. So, it’s really wonderful when you get a chance to say what you mean and mean what you say with your work. It’s a really wonderful gift.”

Rarely-Explored Themes

Like Larson’s award-winning show and the film adapted from it, In The Heights is jam-packed with hard-hitting subject matter, addressing themes of urban blight, immigration, gentrification, cultural identity, assimilation and U.S. political history. When Rubin-Vega’s character Daniela and her partner were priced out of the rent for her salon, most of her clientele moved to the Grand Concourse Historic District in the Bronx. Her salon, a bastion of the community, is met with a polar response when she announces she’s joining the mass exodus with the other victims of gentrification who were pushed out by rising rents. The news is met with negative response from long-time patrons who refuse to take the short commute to the new location. Daniela counters, “Our people survived slave ships, we survived Taino [indigenous Caribbean people] genocide, we survived conquistadores and dictators…you’re telling me we can’t survive the D train to Grand Concourse?”

The question is humorous, but also insinuates a more nuanced understanding of the AfroLatinidad experience in the Western world. The film also looks at the American Dream with a naturalistic approach. Leslie Grace, who plays Nina Rosario, a first-generation college student returning from her freshman year at Stanford University and grappling with finances and the expectations of her community, noted that while her character “finds [herself] at some point at a fork in the road,” she may not have the luxury to be indecisive because of the pressures put on by family, community and country.  

“The struggle of the first-generation Americans in the Latino community is not talked about a lot because it’s almost like a privilege,” Grace asserted. “You feel like it’s a privilege to talk about it. But there is a lot of identity crisis that comes with it and I think we explore that.” Speaking on the character, she elaborated: “Home for her is where her heart is, but also where her purpose is. So, she finds her purpose in doing something outside of herself, greater than herself and going back to Stanford for the people she loves in her community. I really relate to where she’s at, trying to find herself. And I think a lot of other people will, too.”

Worth Singing About

For Miranda, a first-generation Puerto Rican New Yorker that grew up in Inwood at the northernmost tip of Manhattan before attending Wesleyan University where he would develop the musical, this speaks to a larger issue of what defines a home.

“What does ‘home’ even mean? Every character is sort of answering it in a different way,” he said. “For some people, home is somewhere else. For some people, home is like ‘the block’ they’re on. So, that’s worth singing about. It’s worth celebrating in a movie of this size.”

Given the current zeitgeist, it’s no wonder why Chu, Hudes and Miranda decided to pivot with adapting the stage musical for the big screen, leaning in to tackle the plights and predicaments of DREAMers [children of undocumented immigrants seeking citizenship] stateside. In one scene, glimpses of posters at a protest rally read “Immigrant Rights are Human Rights” and “Refugees Are People Too.” Growing up in a multicultural household as a Latina with a Black Latina mother, a white father and a Jewish American stepfather, Rubin-Vega said she was used to being in spaces that were truly multiracial. Nevertheless, there were times when she often felt alien, especially as a du jour rock musical ingenue who looked as she did in the mid-1990s through the 2000s.

“Undocumented people come in different shapes and colors,” she noted. “To be born in a land that doesn’t recognize you, it’s a thing that holds so much horror… so much disgrace happens on the planet because human beings aren’t recognized as such sometimes.”

The film “definitely sheds light on that, but it also talks about having your dream taken away and its human violation—it’s a physical, spiritual, social, cultural violation,” Rubin-Vega said. “There’s a difference between pursuing dreams and being aware of reality. They’re not mutually exclusive. What this film does, it presents a story that is fairly grounded in reality. It’s a musical, it’s over the top… but it reflects a bigger reality, which is like an emotional reality…that people that are challenged on the daily, have incredible resolve, incredible resoluteness and lifeforce.”

She said: “Growing up, looking like me, I got to ingest the same information as everyone else except when it came time to implement my contributions, they weren’t as welcomed or as seen. The dream is to be seen and to be recognized. Maybe I could be an astronaut or an ingenue on Broadway? You can’t achieve stuff that you haven’t imagined. When it talks about DREAMers, it talks about that and it talks about how to not be passive in a culture that would have you think you are passive but to be that change and to dare to be that change.”

Dreams Come True

Dreams are coming true. Alongside the nationwide release of the much-anticipated film, Random House announced it will publish In the Heights: Finding Home, which will give a behind-the-scenes look at the beginnings of Miranda’s 2008 breakout Broadway debut and journey to the soon-to-be-released film adaptation. The table book will chronicle the show’s 20-year voyage from page to stage—from Miranda’s first drawings at the age of 19 to lyric annotations by Miranda and essays written by Hudes to never-before-seen photos from productions around the world and the 2021 movie set. It will be released to the public on June 22, eleven days after the release of the film; an audiobook will be simultaneously released by Penguin Random House Audio.

Hinting at the year-long delay due to the pandemic, Rubin-Vega said, “It’s been a year waiting, you know. It’s like the lid’s been on it and so we’re just so ready to explode.”

Bigger Dreams

“Jon [Chu], I think, dreams bigger than any of us dare to dream in terms of the size and scope of this,” Miranda said. “We spent our summer [in 2018] on 175th Street. You know, he was committed to the authenticity of being in that neighborhood we [all] grew up in, that we love, but then also when it comes to production numbers, dreaming so big. I mean, this is a big movie musical!”

Miranda continued, “We’re so used to asking for less, just to ask to occupy space, you know? As Latinos, we’re, like, ‘Please just let us make our little movie.’ And Jon, every step of the way, said, like, ‘No, these guys have big dreams. We’re allowed to go that big!’ So, I’m just thrilled with what he did ’cause I think it’s bigger than any of us ever dreamed.”

Speaking at the online press conference, Miranda said, “I’m talking to you from Washington Heights right now! I love it here. The whole [movie] is a love letter to this neighborhood. I think it’s such an incredible neighborhood. It’s the first chapter in so many stories. It’s a Latinx neighborhood [today]. It was a Dominican neighborhood when I was growing up there in the ’80s. But before that it was an Irish neighborhood and Italian. It’s always the first chapter in so many American stories.”

[yourfandomfreak]

only seeing part 1 tonight

immediate feels, like oh my god

all those Jedi, fighting for their lives, protecting the younger ones.

and Obi Wan, flashing back to all his memories with Qui Gon, with Anakin; my heart can’t take it

I knew we would see Luke as a kid, I didn’t expect to see Leia as a kid too. that was really cool

and of course seeing Jimmy Smits again

Oh Owen, I get it, but Obi Wan is trying to survive and protect Luke. that’s it.

also, this might be a silly question, but do Bail Organa and Owen Lars know that Anakin is alive, but is Vader now? or do they believe he’s dead, and Obi Wan and Yoda are the only ones who know that?

I definitely need to continue my prequel rewatch (I’m on Revenge of the Sith)

the villains are doing great; Moses Ingram is killing it

can’t wait to watch part 2 tomorrow

[callioope]

HEY GUYS! I watched the livestream of Rogue One with writers Gary Whitta and Chris Weitz. I took notes. Because that’s what I DO. I jotted down some of my takeaways. Please note I was watching RO, watching the stream, taking notes, and also doing a few other things so these MAY NOT BE PERFECT. Please feel free to correct me if you see something I misrepresented. That said I tried to be accurate. 

YES they DO TALK ABOUT the romantic chemistry between Jyn & Cassian but that is literally at the end, but feel free to peruse the rest of the points because there’s some pretty interesting insights (some good and some bad O_O like Cassian’s original storyline, yuck)

ANYWAYS let’s go

Inglourious Bastards inspired the Lah’mu scene (Gary Whitta wrote this scene, although he admitted it changed a lot but a lot of the structure and ideas stayed in)

In the original version of the script, Lyra was a Jedi in hiding, but this was one of the first things that got killed

Mads thinks he plays a bad guy, but Gary thinks he played a good guy

They talked about how Galen originally wanted to use kyber crystals for energy, but it got weaponized (which is talked about Catalyst)

stormtrooper doll is a gareth edwards touch

idea was that there’d be good people on the Imperial side and bad people on the rebel side

Cassian’s first scene on the Rings of Kafrene was written by Tony Gilroy (who wasn’t present in the stream) later. In the earlier versions, the DS is something that Jyn goes and finds. It was much more like Zero Dark Thirty where she was putting together the clues, and it was a battle for Jyn to get the rebels to take it seriously, but that was too much of a slow burn. So the Tivik scene was to replace that and introduce the idea that Cassian can be dark. Everyone admired Diego’s beautiful bit of acting as he's just lost a little bit of his soul in the fight for justice, the morality is the first victim. It’s very subtle but it’s one of Gary’s fave pieces of acting in the movie

Chris said for awhile they had Ord Mandell, then shifted to the notion of something more like in Casablanca, so a bit of a flavor of that, a part of the Empire that has been taken over that is under violent oversight

Gary said in the original, Jyn went to Ord Mantell (mentioned in Empire?) to find an arms dealer to help her find Saw, then went to another planet where Saw was living on a moon called Yarid

Budget realities played a part in the decision making to scale this back; they wanted to put so much more but just couldn’t fit it in

Originally we were supposed to see the rebels evacuate Dantooine and move to Yavin 4, but it didn’t really accomplish anything in the story accept to nod to SW fans. It didn’t move the story forward and would have cost too much

It was Tony Gilroy writing with Jyn getting freed on Wobani. Some original ideas had toyed with possibilities that she was a deserter or Rey-like scavenger, but obviously you can’t do that once you learn what the the Empire does (chris)

Only time they didn’t use a title card was Mustafar bc they wanted fans to go OH SHIT IT'S MUSTAFAR, also worked bc Mustafar would have been one of those off-the-map planets

Gary was responsible for getting Mothma in the movie

How much did the Yavin 4 briefing get worked on? A lot. sort of inspired by a scene from Apocalypse Now.

“I think this movie really beautifully bridges the gap between the original and prequel” and one of the ways it does that is JIMMY SMITS

Lots of gushing over Yavin. “Gareth just shot the shit out of this movie.” so much praise for Gareth’s vision. “Gareth can compose a shot unlike anyone I know.”

The Yavin 4 set was fully contiguous; you could walk from the inside all the way outside in one continuous shot.

K-2SO is a great example of how one character can have many fathers. John Knoll originally came up with him and he was originally a rebel logistics droid envisioned to be a “black C-3PO” (whatever that was supposed to mean - Gary wasn’t sure). Gary proposed that he could be an Imperial droid that was captured by the rebellion and reprogrammed. K-2 was really limited with what he could do working for the Empire, but once he was liberated, he was going to speak his mind. Chris and Tony and Alan all gave him more life, everyone has a little piece of K-2′s parentage.

Only ever one casting choice for Saw, which was Forest Whitaker. Gary also knew Ben Mendelsohn would be cast as krennic, but no one else was cast at that point -- he knew it was down to 3 choices for Jyn, but wouldn’t say who

Chris brought Bodhi into the story (Gary said so but Chris wasn’t sure)

For Tarkin, they took shots from the ANH and unused takes. There was also a mold of Peter Cushing that had been sitting in a prop shop for decades (I didn’t get what movie it was, something where he needed a large prosthetic eye or something), and they scanned that.

Binoculars that Jyn and Cassian look through on Jedha were inspired from the scene in ANH (like when luke looks through them on Tatooine)

Chris was responsible for Jedha, Temple of the Whills, and Chirrut’s connection to the Force. And Bor Gullet, I think. They said Bor Gullet delights in traumatic memories (more delicious to him). There was a cut idea/scene: Bor Gullet made Jyn trade her traumatic memories for information she wanted.

They talked about the two dudes Jyn runs into that are also in ANH and how they survived the destruction of jedha only to get killed by a Jedi the next day - they must have needed to get a drink at a cantina after narrowly leaving Jedha. Puts their presence at the cantina in a new light.

Screenwriters would tell you this [Jyn saving the girl on Jedha] is a classic “save the cat moment” so that we like that character that otherwise we might not -- like jyn [RUDE, but I think they were joking]  [also i took beginner screenwriting in college and YES the “save the cat moment” was like lesson 1 lol

They wanted this war to look like a proper war, and [Jedha] really looks like something you might see happen. Wanted people to feel like it wasn’t just about stormtroopers hassling the guy on the street corner but there were real lives at stake

Commentary on Jyn’s Awesome Fight Scene: this is the first moment Cassian really realizes that Jyn is no one to be messed with 

They guessed that Tony came up with the K-2 gag after Jyn’s fight sequence

Lots of good commentary here about how action scenes need to serve a purpose, they can’t just be fighting: they gotta reveal character and story -- don’t write the specifics of the fight, but write what the action is supposed to mean, let choreographers make it look good

Chris said Gareth kind of requested a character like Chirrut, and Chris had been messing around with a Force priest and they became the same guy. Baze was originally a murderer and criminal, and Chirrut was his confessor figure, and they had a weird codependent relationship in which Malbus would commit crimes and Chirrut would forgive him for it. But in this they are both Guardians of Whills. Baze saving Chirrut reminds Gary of Indiana Jones shooting the guy with the sword. Good example of action sequence having a purpose: showing Chirrut & Baze’s dynamic

Coming up with names in SW -- no real formula, you just know it when you hear it

Lots of freedom to come up with new stuff as long as it doesn’t grossly violate canon. Two Tubes was Tony Gilroy or maybe someone just before him

Allegedly Bib Fortuna’s cousin is in scene at catacombs

Someone wanted a Tusken Raider to leave Tatooine to be one of the rebels, but that was vetoed bc they don’t leave Tatooine

“you don’t want every star wars movie to feel like a remix of your greatest hits” - gary [me: LMAOOOO not everyone got that memo!!!]

Guardians of the Whills: Chris said when he came on board, he wanted to go into some deep George Lucas stuff so he looked at the OG screenplay of SW which is pretty “cuckoo bananas” but it’s unfilmable because it’s so gigantic. but there were so many cool things in it. Originally the Force was known as “The Force of Others" by Lucas so he had Chirrut often referring to it as such

There had to be physical tapes because that’s what was mentioned in ANH. Similarly, Tarkin said it was the first time they destroyed a planet in ANH, so they had to do a smaller test that didn’t conflict with canon but we still get to see the DS do it’s thing

Gary said he got sick of everyone on the internet saying “If the empire’s so smart how come--” so he wanted to make it happen for a reason

Chris said - John Knoll, who apparently has some kind of engineering background, said a project the size of the DS, there’d be hundreds of flaws that would bring down the station. Gary responded - it makes sense that there would be a flaw, but it’s more interesting if the flaw would be there deliberately

They went back to the idea that SW was a fairytale and “only one key that the lock fits in in a fairy tale”

They talked a bit about the “nerdy stuff” and technical details, like how fast does a Star Destroyer go, how fast is travel through hyperspace,” but they were pretty insistent that Star Destroyers go at the speed of narrative. Hyperspace moves at the speed of plot. They don’t think about the gritty details. Story always wins. You try to hide those bits. If tech stuff comes into conflict with story, the story has to win. If you can make it work great, but story should win otherwise. [MY TAKE: I think it’s lazy and you might as well try to make it work if you can, BUT I agree that it shouldn’t necessarily hang up the process, per se.]

They talked about Jyn & Co witnessing the test on Jedha and how it’s important that Jyn & Co witnessed the terrifying destructive power of this weapon, so they know better than anyone how important it is to stop this thing

They said Saw always died in the weapon test. Originally it was on a different moon, but always planned for him to die like that.

Gary mentioned in ANH, there’s more than one empty chair in the DS conference room, but Gary wished there had been only one chair so it could have been Krennic’s specifically and he wasn’t in it.

The idea was that Mothma and other Generals were desperately trying to avoid a war and trying to find a political solution to this crisis, but Palpatine is stringing them along long enough for the DS to be ready. So the Rebels have been strung along and played for fools by Palpatine, but once we realize the Empire has built a genocide weapon, the Rebels finally wake up to the idea that the only solution now is war. Empire has forced our hand. the movie is about the idea that tyrannical regimes always fall bc they go too far and they do something so terrible that people are forced to stand up and fight back. If the empire had never built the DS, Gary thinks they could have won the war and ground the Rebellion down. but bc they got greedy they forced the entire galaxy to take the war seriously, so the DS was really the Empire’s undoing

The Rebellion was like the equivalent of the Second Continental Congress, with squabbling factions and not able to get anything done, and the Empire was able to win in the beginning bc they are authoritarian, unified top down

Gary came up with Eadu, but it was originally in the first act. The whole movie got restructured. Originally they went to Eadu very early and discovered they were building the giant dish for the DS. That was the first scene that Jyn had the clue that the Empire was building something terrible. Later it became less a place where the dish was built and more just where they were harvesting and refining the kyber crystals.

It was originally Saw’s X-Wings that attacked Eadu

“rain = mood” idk who said it but that line popped

originally there were local people called Eadui who told story how facility had poisoned rivers and valleys and farmland. Gary wanted to put a face on the crimes the Empire had committed

Mads doesn’t believe that what Galen did absolves him

In Gary’s version, Krennic came to inspect final version of the dish

Cassian was always meant to be compromised in both Gary and Chris’s versions. He was a double agent: for a long time, he was working for the Empire. Chris added: he had lost people who had been killed by Saw Gerrera, and all he wanted from the Empire was the go ahead to kill Saw rather than Galen. That transmogrified along the lines post-Chris and post-Gary into a rebel intelligence officer who had done terrible things. In the original idea, he changes heart after seeing the Death Star bc it wasn’t what he signed up for, and he had to win back Jyn’s heart bc that DS reveal happens after his double agent ness is revealed.

In the original, Jyn actually gets Galen back to the rebel base, but he’s beyond saving, but his whole speech he gives Jyn in his last moments happened in a medbay

They talked about the score instead of the awesome fight scene after Eadu so BOOO on that. I mean yes the score is brilliant but still I wanted insight into this scene.

I blanked out a little because I was mad they didn’t talk about the Eadu fight scene argh

They were talking about Krennic standing his ground against Vader. and then someone said it was probably something among the Imperial officers that “you haven’t really made it until you’ve been choked by Vader.” O_o sorry we could be talking about Jyn and Cassian DAMNIT

the debate scene on Yavin 4 was recontextualized. always this idea that the rebellion is not one monolithic entity, it’s a collection of worlds all of whom have own leaders and own opinions. rebellion historically messier because it’s democratic and harder to get things done. 

briefly toyed with a Leia appearance (chris) at the big conference scene, but best for Jyn to give the most rousing speech here. 

Who wrote the hanger speech? Spirit of it might be Chris’, but Chris thinks it’s Tony Gilroy. Big difference from version Gary wrote: Jyn convinced the rebels. But he thought it was cool now that Jyn goes rogue and it’s only when Mothma finds out she’s committed to that that she makes the decision to back her up. But in the original she convinced Mothma, and everyone got around the table and said here’s the plan. Chris thinks it was in one of his drafts that they went off on their own. 

in Gary’s version Jyn was Rogue Leader. 

Chris had grunts complaining all the flyboys create dramatic names for their squadrons but that got nixed

Gary had idea that K-2 had scraped off his markings but had to have them painted back on to go to Scarif and K-2 hated it

Mothma talking to Bail is one scene that survived word for word form Gary’s original script

They talked a little bit about the decision to have the characters die, but I was drafting a question and missed it

They talked about how they came up with Scarif and decided to make it tropical -- what sort of place hasn’t been seen before? sort of coming from production and gareth. but also building these places to fulfill the needs of the story -- like building a walkway that only one person can get across

a lot of extras in Scarif were real ex-military, and Gary said a couple of the X-Wing pilots were real-life RAF tornado pilots

didn’t have Blue Squadron in the ANH bc it interfered with the blue screen

Gareth said “give me a mon calamari that looks like churchill’ and that’s Raddus

Chris and Tony killed pretty much everybody. Sounds like Gary just killed K-2? Unclear bc I missed the main part of that when they were talkinga bout it.

They commented on how RO is one of the darkest tonally movies but also so colorful, beautiful blue sky

They wanted to pay tribute to Battle of Endor

they couldn’t remember who was responsible for ‘stardust’ but it wasn’t gary or chris

who’s idea was it to cut off the “I’ve got a bad idea about this”? gary had a different version of it, Jyn said “I've got a good feeling about this” (which ultimately got used in Solo) 

Someone asked about the footage in trailer that wasn’t in the movie: Chris heard on good authority that the TIE fighter in front of Jyn was actually never intended to be used, was always a trailer-specific moment. he said he didn’t know how she would have gotten out of that one. k-2 died on the beach. chris wasn’t sure but as the scenes get cut together in production and post, the narrative necessities can change bc of logistical needs. but some shots were so cool they were perfect for trailers. Some talk on how trailers and movies are very different things in general.

Gary said originally there were two separate facilities on Scarif: vault and comm tower were separated by stretch of beach. so needed to liberate plans from vault and get across beach to tower. as they looked at what they had, there were too many moving parts and they wanted to simplify, so they put vault and tower in same complex.

did they ever consider letting Chirrut pull the lever using the force? NOPE. 

“I am one with the Force and the Force is with me” was Chris. it goes on, it’s supposed to be like a psalm for Jedi, but eh wanted a sort of lord’s prayer type of thing. 

HELL YES someone asked about the romance between Cassian and Jyn! Was there any romantic potential in any script? YES!!! they said!! yes!!! And Chris said he wouldn’t be surprised if a kiss was shot either! 

BUT they went on to say they wanted to side-step the trope that every male and female hero have to be involved.

But clear GARY said yes early on, there was definitely romantic chemistry that got scaled back to a mutual respect, but they’ve obviously grown close. Gary doesn’t think there was anything romantic and they said people found that refreshing. ‘what they’ve been through is the meaningful part” and “‘the stuff that is happening around them is too important" and “it speaks to their character that they wouldn’t let that intrude”

someone said it was like they were walking into a sunset but it was a mushroom cloud and THEN someone QUIPPED that it was sorta like the sunset walking into them RUDE

There was more after that but that was pretty exhausting to keep up with!!!! so i’m wiped. anyone else get any fun takeaways that I missed?

[ultrahpfan5blog]

Brooklyn Nine Nine - Season 4 Retrospective

Finished season 4 just yesterday. So I have gone past the halfway mark. Still racing against time to finish in time for season 8. Anyways, with season 4, the show left off on a pretty big cliffhanger. So it was going to be interesting how they resolved. At this point, the show was pretty settled and knew its formula and characters. Season 4 is one of the more uneven seasons of the show in my opinion. Definitely still good but not quite as good the previous seasons in terms of consistency. There are outstanding episodes in the seasons, some meh episodes, and one or two clunkers.

First thing that was evident from how the season started was that the showrunners were now comfortable enough to start experimenting a bit with the formula. The show's greatest strength has been an outstanding ensemble, but Coral Palms Part 1 has only got Jake and Holt in the episode out of the series regulars. The setting is completely different with large parts of the episode outdoors. And its a winner. It has one of the best Holt moments of all time with Holt dancing at the Funzone at Derek's b'day party. Its kind of refreshing to watch Jake and Holt in different avatars. Heterosexual Holt is a hoot. The next two parts incorporate the rest of the squad and its a fun time though I think the first part is the best of the opening three parter. Maya Rudolph pops in as the Marshall in charge of Holt and Jake in witness protection and she's hilarious. Eric Roberts pops up as Figgis. He's not really used that much, something which is a recurring problem with guest stars this season.

Another thing that was evident was that this season was pretty dramatic and stressing for the characters by B99 standards. The season starts out with Jake and Holt in witsec, which results in them getting bumped to the Night Shift. Then they get audited and almost closed down due to a vengeful ex, Terry gets racially profiled, and then the season ends with Jake and Rosa being framed for robbery and sentenced to Prison. Pretty dark season for B99. As a result, there is a bit of a tonal issue at times since B99 in essence is such an optimistic show, something which I genuinely love about it. Some of The Night Shift episodes are fun. Unfortunately, Halloween IV got spoiled because they ruined it in one of the ads. But its still a solid Halloween episode, although not necessarily one of the top Halloween episodes. There are a series of episodes in the middle of the season that are a bit mixed. Mr. Santiago I was pretty excited for with Jimmy Smits being cast, but I don't think they made great use of him. Skyfire Cycle is fun although it recycles the 'don't meet your heroes' theme that we have seen with Jake and Holt in seasons before. The highlight of the episode is the iconic 'BONE!' moment from Holt, which is one of the funniest scenes on the show. The Overmining is an episode that isn't that great. CJ is one of those characters that was a bit too cartoony even for this show. The incompetence of the character got beyond the level of what I could believe. Also, the B story had Gina at her most grating. Captain Latvia was kind of ok.

The season picked up again with The Fugitive two parter. The first part again did a lovely job showing the growth in Jake and Amy's relationship and how they have influenced each other, from little mannerisms like Amy saying 'cool, cool cool' and Jake reading Harry Potter because Amy loves it so much. These little touches to the relationship is what makes the relationship so healthy. Part 2 is a great Judy episode. Possibly my second favorite after the season 2 PB episode. Seeing Jake and Judy with Holt was a fun dynamic. The show also ventured into more serious social issues in a more overt manner with Moo Moo which is some of Terry Crews' best work on the show. I think the episode did a great job balancing out giving the episode the seriousness it deserves as well as having the humor. There is the three parter arc dealing with the precinct being shut down. The Audit and The Last Ride were pretty great. Serve & Protect was kind of meh. The episode didn't use Nathan Fillion to his full comic potential.

There are a few fun and breezy episodes between the story arcs. Cop Con and Chasing Amy are a lot of fun. Your Honor and The Slaughterhouse also do a lovely job fleshing out the relationships with Holt and his Mom and Jake and Rosa. Then we get into the final two parter which is maybe the bleakest the show has ever been. While I did find it an interesting idea, I feel that it wasn't very believable that Jake and Rosa got implicated so easily and that Holt couldn't testify at all. It was a huge cliffhanger and while we all knew that Jake and Rosa would be fine, it was interesting to think about how they would get out of it. But its the grimmest note any B99 season has ended on. The season was still a lot of fun. Even with the minor inconsistencies, the show was better than 99%(heh heh) of the shows out there and the highs were still really high and the season gets credit for breaking with formula and dealing with slightly darker and more serious material. Still, I rank it around a 8/10.

[wo-wann-was-wer]

WHAT I WAS THINKING: DARK SEASON 3 EDITION

EPISODE 1:

Who are these dudes with the harelip and what do they want

Why did she just take him to a cave and leave that’s kinda rude

So everything in this universe is just gonna be backwards. Love it

Ugh I’ve said this a million times but this show has such Fringe energy and I can’t wait to get a tattoo for this too

This is super freaking me out, i dont like that everyone’s in everyone else’s house.

Ooooh Katharina with glasses yes girl you better work.

I like Michael and this hat he’s rocking

Super into the fact that magnus and fransizka are involved in this universe too

There’s nothing cuter than sex before school. Ahhh the nostalgia

Ten bucks says that Hannah gets out of this bed and is pregnant

Fucking YEP

I am loving Martha in this Jonas journey

I know that all they did was flip the lens of the camera but my brain is breaking at this flipped Winden

Who the fuck is this random dude Martha is with

You know what he kind of looks like Jonas. I wonder if that's relevant or if I'm just grasping at straws

Bartosz looks like he's going to his first grade violin recital

I straight up just did not recognize Charlotte with makeup. She looks hot

There's got to be another person in that picture other than Ulrich because that's a lot of space to rip out for one person

okay hold up Woller looks so good and then when I saw that he was missing an arm I almost lost my fucking mind

Oh shit okay Hannah is living in Katharina's house.

Oh my God are Ulrich and Charlotte having an affair

Is it normal in Germany for kids to just walk into classes that aren't there’s and just sit down

follow up he has a clear noose mark on his neck

Aleksander looks so hot with this beard. universe B is the fucking glow up universe

It's weirding me out that the whole school is black and gray instead of light brown

The look of satisfaction on katharina's face

Wow honestly Louis just broke my heart with his facial expression when he realized his mom didn't know who he was

he looks so scared

Yes yes do it afffffffffair

Oh no you done got found out!!!

Oh the theme of the play here is red and set of gold

Fransizka looks so cute in this little outfit

Oh my God she's deaf!!!!

What the fuck. the fact that this actress can talk is blowing my mind

RIP to Regina a real queen

Peter's a fucking priest

All the fucking weird-ass freaky motherfucking trio is back

The dopplers have the same house That's cool

excuse me sir I think your child is broken

these guys are so creepy What the fuck

I definitely don't like the piano wire

oh this motherfucker is the one who gets lost

I feel like winden in this universe is just a little bit fancier

Well Charlotte and Ulrich just be fucking like crazy

Bartosz is the Jonas of this group and I love it

who was that??????

I cannot get over Aleksander in this beard

I like that things are opposite but they also have things that are different enough.

Like I'm so into the fact that they all went down into the bunker

who in the unholy fuck is that. who is that

Oh shit old Martha

What the fuck is this Tannhaus’ factory we're at

hold up Martha's in 1888

What the fuck. why is Jonas in 1888 and looking SO good

EPISODE 2:

casually sitting over your bed watching you sleep

he's look so good though

yo what the fuck everybody else is there too

Oh no things got really ugly at Mads’ wake

Not for nothing but Tronte is a dick

I kind of don't understand why Claudia would want Regina to live in such pain in this type of universe

Peter is such a good boy

lurking is the freaking national past time of this place

Oh shit we got some spin-off timeline stuff good

who is This is blind guy

I love Katharina so fucking much

I know what she's thinking and it's the same thing I'm thinking which is can I kill a child

why does this picture of Tronte make him look like Jimmy Smits

Katharina looks amazing in this jacket

Also I definitely did not just start yelling GO GET YOUR MAN KATHARINA

Regina just gets more and more badass as time goes on. Also all of the women of the tiedemann family are so fucking badass

I am so excited to watch this fucking relationship develop. they're both too cute

awwww he's using signs!

oh they're writing back and forth

DAMNIT PETER

I always feel like little Noah should do fuckboy sign offs when he leaves rooms because he's so smooth

yesterday Laurel said that this was back to the future but serious and just now Bartosz said it's not super easy to get nuclear fuel in 1888 and now I think that Laurel's right

I will never get over how good he looks JONAAAASSSSSSS

This guy feels like the OG inventor of sic mundus right

Katerina why are you even trying to check in at the front desk bitch Go and get your man

Is this Katarina's mom why does she just recognize that woman's name

everyone on the show is so talented.I spend the whole damn time being like oh my god the performances on the show and it's like yeah we know

Katerina get your man

I literally love them so much look at the look on her face She is a mama bear She is not going to let anybody take her man or her children and I love her

Not a huge fan of people who quote Shakespeare right before they kill other people or am I an enormous fan of people who use Shakespeare right before they kill other people

using a garotte to kill someone is ugly as fuck

I feel so bad for Jana

see this is one of the reasons why I'm like why would you bring Regina back to this world.

wowwwww TRONTE what's up dude

YO WHAT

Oh so how did Charlotte get back there but Elizabeth's still there too. didn't they switch places?

oh the head bump

Not excited for the mother daughter abuse stuff that's about to happen

I love these split sequences that they do at the end

anytime somebody stands and stairs for a lonely at a spot on the ground I assume to somebody died there

Oh shit that guy is a tannhausokkkk I see you

a religious images we love to see it.

This show is a whole series of pause that frame.

No I ruined something for myself!!!!

EPISODE 3

got to love those through and through Ariadne references

okay so Charlotte's great great grandfather has her watch?

who are these horrible traveler human beings

they look like less sexy Francis dolarhydes

I can't get over the fact that wollers missing an arm here I swear

we ARE the glitch BITCH

alternate universe Ulrich is a better person than standard Ulrich

what's this new like zoom-y thing they're doing

I was attracted to Magnus at this jump of the show but he looks better with dark hair

How did they not all die of fucking flu

eternally repeating deja vu

I looked at the production stills and I was like what the fuck is this hair do that Moritz has but he looks amazing

Also everyone on this show deserves an acting award

and Magnus is wearing a skeleton sweater

Hannah does that deep dive detective work any bitch knows the Nose doesn't lie

why doesn't anybody want to fuck wöller

omgggg eat the RICH

also he has that x tattoo on his hand that represents the no future thing

oh the light is rectangular and not circular ooooooh fancy

The show is also a lot of people catching each other's wrists as they walk away

I knew we couldn't trust this bitch

What did he give her

I love the parallels and characters behaviors between universe a and universe b

I want to know how Noah factored into all of this on this side

Martha has a type and her type is iconically Aryan

Oh Aleksander's back with that beard he's back

Hannah is such a snake

Omg that's her!!!!! I thought she was a trans actress.. hm. not super happy bout that :/

What is Helge talking about Ulrich did what??? omg

I would be like SIR DO WE NEED TO FIGHT STOP FOLLOWING ME

I stopped taking notes for the last half of that episode cuz I was really sucked in haha

EPISODE 4

FIRST OF ALL I'D LIKE TO GO ON RECORD THAT I DON'T CARE FOR THESE GENTLEMEN AT ALL

second of all why is this guy being like oh I took your name

why does he have Agnes's bracelet I don't like that

I don't like anything about this guy That's the end of the story

Also hold up a red hot second is Agnes dead cuz if so that's a hate crime

see what did I say

I knew that Hannah was going to get involved with Egon

from the second she walked in that office I was like that bitch has her eye on him and as she should he's handsome as fuck

Also he spoils her so much more than any other man she's ever been with AKA is Egon the only man she ever deserved

Is Hannah going to develop a heart cuz I'm not sure how I feel about that

Also what happens if Hannah gets pregnant

why is Ines a bitch I thought she was mad cool the beginning and now I feel fucking deceived

Also it's such a sweet gig that The kids who are playing kids can now play teenagers

poor Doris. Also he was shitty to her but he was far nicer than I would have been

Doris is so beautiful it's bullshit

older Magnus is so handsome

All I wanted was middle-aged Martha

bitch you have been having unprotected sex with him why do you think that pregnancy was not on the tabl

I'm like who's this guy in the church if it's not Noah I bet it's that little bitch

yeah I fucking knew it

Is this the dude that was married to Agnes I feel like this guy isn't real or something

I'm not surprised he let her go but I don't know why I'm not surprised. I feel like she's important to his timeline and I'm not sure why

look at these relationships forming between these sweet little bab

Hannah looks good in this red. Hannah looks good in all of these styles. 

who is this child

I like that already as a child Bernd had his eye on Claudia as someone who was smart and had a ton of potential

 I keep forgetting that I'm taking notes because I get so invested in episodes

Also I realize the zoomi thing which is going back and forth between the universes

Is Agnes Silja’s mom And if so with whom 

he gave her Agnes’ bracelet that dope All right Tronte

Wow Claudia needs to back off her man

Claudia force him into a relationship with her

I fucking hate Hannah but sometimes she speaks so much sense

ooh I don't need anyone Yes girl that's true You don't need anyone You needing people was what made you act fucking crazy You don't need anybody

This was always my big problem with Hannah was that I initially identified with her because she was such a survivor but then she did such horrible reprehensible things I just couldn't let it go and I absolutely couldn't identify with her anymore

Oh here's my daddy Noah looking so good

I mean okay so I have been in this position before where I was cheating and then my man cheated on me and I was like how dare you but also you cannot be mad if your partner cheats on you when you cheated too. You both fucked up

Is Hannah going to have a redemption arc cuz that's a lot

Oh my God she's not going to get rid of this child is she

Oh my great God I cannot believe that she gave Helene that necklace. 

I knew she was fucking connected to Katharina in the older generation I knew it

Louis and Lisa are a super cute couple and I know that they're not dating in real life but I think that they're very cute together

Oh everybody fucking

yeah they created the Apocalypse yeah

Oh no they have a child outside of worlds that's a mess How does that work so they had they gave birth to that ugly fuck

honestly I hate that he's their child for the most part just because he's ugly as fuck and neither of them are ugly as fuck so it makes me mad.

[kiradurbin]

Super Short Reviews:  Summer / Fall TV part two

Arthdal Chronicles (Netflix) – Finally a Korean show I like.  No – LOVE!!!  Usually I don’t get the pacing or acting styles of Asian shows (so different than American) but this clips along through a great mythology / fantasy story.  Sort of like Vikings but Korea with more magic.

Bob <3 Abishola (CBS) – Awwwwwwwwwww.  And I even laughed.  (Yes, me!)

Stumptown (ABC) – I thought I would hate this because I always thought i hated Cobie Smulders  … but as it turns out I guess just hated that character on HIMYM, because I really like her in this!  It’s procedural in that she’s a PI, but because she’s not a real cop she gets to have way more fun and do loads more silly things. Great surrounding cast too.

Another Life (Netflix) –  I was really impressed how much super cliched sci-fi dialogue fit into the first 30 minutes … then I was blown away by every stolen sci-fi reference from every other sci-fi show i’ve ever seen … and still it was like a car crash and I just couldnt look away!!  Katee Sackoff hasn’t toned down her acting style, but her arms on the other hand – damn.

Bluff City Law (NBC) – Jimmy Smits still got it!  Sadly, the show does not.   Nice diverse cast, but i’m bored silly by the law case of the week episodic format. Sorry not sorry.  

Carol’s Second Act (CBS) – Dear god, no.

the Last Czars (Netflix) –  You know how at the END of every Game of Thrones episode the guys talk about the characters and their story etc etc?  Imagine how annoying it would be if they threw that in THE MIDDLE of every few scenes and thats what you get here.  The actors and production team are perfectly capable of telling this documdrama based on the Fall of the Romanovs, and I really did enjoy the tv part.  But the insert talky talky part was just way too annoying.  

Evil (CBS) – Creepy.  Mike Coulter. Aasif Mandvi.  All your favourite Catholic Lore. Great fun.

Perfect Harmony (NBC) – I honestly tried to watch this twice.  I love Bradley Whitford.  But Anna Camp just makes this feel like a spin off from the Pitch Perfect movies. Menh.

Mr. Iglesias (Netflix) –  I think if you like Gabriel Iglesias you will enjoy this family comedy.  Its obviously geared towards kids, but I actually laughed several times. Mr. Iglesias has a long history of being funny.  (on the show he teaches history so that’s a funny pun)

Cake (Fxx) – Uhhhhhhhh... I’m not cool enough to get this.  Its sort of like a sketch show but then some of the characters come back in other episodes so it maybe is like a recurring character sketch show? But then theres also cartoons and I was never sure if it was supposed to be funny or not... and I have no idea what is has to do with Cake.  BUT if you don’t know who Mamoudou Athie is, you should definitely go watch Patti Cake$ (the film) right now.  (Which also has nothing to do with Cake.)

Mixed-ish (ABC) – I love Black-ish so much I really wanted to at least like this.  Who doesn’t love Gary Cole!!    But Black-ish does those great flash-backs and story side-lines, so I don’t need a whole show about 80s references (especially when I already have another ABC show that’s all about 80s references.)  

The Unicorn (CBS) – Again, Dear god, no.  And I adore Rob Corddry.  Seriously I don’t at all get why people like this.  

Batwoman (CW) –  So Gotham ends and Batwoman begins. I don’t know why she needed the ridiculous wig but then again, she’s the least interesting part of the show.  Rachel Skarsten,  Nicole Kang, and Camrus Johnson are knocking it out of the park.  Also the CW world of Gotham City is better than I expected – plenty of  Vancouver colour wash, but some nice Chicago exteriors thrown in.  (a nod to the Christopher Nolan films)

not reviewed:

Drug Squad: Costa del Sol (Netflix) – Spain

Jinn (Netflix) – Jordan

Leila (Netflix) – India

Bolivar (Net) – Columbia  

Tokyo Alice (Amazon) – Japan  

Family Business (Netflix) – France

[briangroth27]

The Get Down Part 2 Review

I enjoyed the second part of Netflix’s The Get Down and I’m sorry it ended up being the last. This show was exciting, engaging, and completely outside what I normally watch—I’ve never been a big fan of the 70s, disco, or hip-hop—but I loved it and found a new appreciation for all three. I’ll definitely miss these characters and this aesthetic, but I’m glad they found a way to wrap things up in a (mostly) satisfying way. Unlike other reviews I’ve read, I didn’t have a problem with the release structure of this season. Dividing it into “Parts 1 and 2” didn’t throw me at all, first because it’s just branding and second because I always felt Part 1 had a solid beginning, middle, and end. It also had a cliffhanger to leave you wanting more, just like any other show’s season finale. With the new cartoon sequences and the time jump, Part 2 feels so different stylistically that if they had been released together, it would’ve felt jarring and weird.

Full spoilers...

After The Get Down Brothers’ victory at the end of Part 1, they’re reveling in their success while trying to build dream lives for themselves. Zeke’s (Justice Smith) struggle to identify himself in light of his (and everyone else’s) dual lives through his Yale application letter was a perfect encapsulation of this, while also serving as a nice reminder of what happened in Part 1. That duality was a great build off of Zeke giving a speech promoting Ed Koch (Frank Wood), but then immediately running off to perform for the very people Koch was against. The pull between Zeke’s future at Yale/his internship with Mr. Gunns (Michael Gill) and his future as a musical superstar formed a strong backbone to Part 2, and I imagine the looming choice between disappointment now with a good future promised by Yale/Gunns and a dream life granted by music in the present that might have no future is one a lot of people can empathize with. My circumstances aren’t anywhere near as dire as Zeke’s, but I certainly struggle with working towards my dream career or giving up and settling for a routine 9-to-5 job that has financial stability. I think the show did justice to this struggle, but it could’ve been a bit more fleshed out (though Part 2’s shortened episode order may’ve truncated that arc). Zeke’s clear discomfort with navigating the casual racism at the Yale club but still wanting to keep his hopes of college alive despite Shaolin (Shameik Moore) showing up—and then choosing Shao when things got way out of hand—was great to watch. I liked that Zeke stood up for Shao and didn’t rat him out to Gunns, even though it meant giving up his shot at Yale and the internship. That defense made their final split at the end of Part 2 even more heartbreaking, when Zeke discovered Shao had allowed Boo-Boo (Tremaine Brown, Jr.) to sell drugs. It was smart to make their connection to the drugs Shao was pushing not just a way to get rich, like Boo-Boo was trying to do, but a situation that could actually get Shao killed if he stopped, which made it much more complex than Zeke—whose quitting over this felt totally right—wanted to see. Zeke and Shao’s final fight felt perfect and tragic (and was perfectly acted by Smith and Moore), and Zeke scoffing at Shao’s real name when the “kung fu superhero” blinders were finally off was excellent. I feel like Zeke fully understood that even though he’d been best friends with this guy, Shao wasn’t going to stop dragging him into his world (whether it was Shao’s choice to do so or not) and Zeke couldn’t save him, so he had to save himself by cutting Curtis out. I really liked the reversal of the end of Part 1 that the destruction of The Get Down Brothers created: there, he chose rap over the system, but here he bails on his music to go back to Yale.

It would’ve been interesting to expose Zeke to the punk rock scene after Gunns’ daughter Claudia (Julia Garner) discussed it with him. I get him not wanting to explore it after they kissed since it was so closely tied to her, but it would’ve been a neat to at least get his thoughts on it. If the series had more time, rock’s war with disco could’ve made for a good obstacle for Mylene’s (Herizen F. Guardiola) career as well and the musical divide between Claudia’s interests and Mylene’s career would’ve made them direct rivals in an interesting way. That said, I’m glad Zeke came clean about his kiss with Claudia to Mylene instead of trying to hide it for an extended period of time, which helped to defuse the potentially explosive drama it might’ve otherwise caused. Their fight over her saying she was single on TV felt a little too well-worn: it would’ve been more original to subvert expectations and have Zeke understand the demands of public images himself, since he’s somewhat famous too. Regardless of that cliché plot point, the show definitely had me rooting for Zeke and Mylene, even knowing that something tragic was racing at them. Smith and Guardiola had great chemistry and totally sold their romance in both their happy and harder times. Zeke talking Mylene down from Misty Holloway’s (Renée Elise Goldsberry) excellent “Backstabbers” attack was one of those great moments between the two of them. I also loved the knowing goodbye she gave him when she told him she was leaving at the end of the season; that she didn’t repeat “forever” when she said she loves him was heartbreaking. However, the renewed hope that fills Zeke while doing his poetry in his impromptu studio session—the beginning of his recording career, no doubt—was the perfect reaction to his heartbreak. In the end, it was just him and his rhymes, and that’s not only supremely fitting, but a nice segue to the flash-forwards of adult Zeke (Naz) rapping alone on stage. Zeke’s poetry with his future self was very well done (and extremely well-acted) and makes me tear up every time I watch it, while overlaying it with Mylene’s “See You on the Other Side” was a very cool mirror of the Get Down Brothers sampling “Set Me Free” for their battle at the end of Part 1. Reuniting Zeke and Mylene at the very end was extremely fulfilling—I’m choosing to believe that silhouetted trio was the actual Soul Madonnas, not just a tribute—and gave their romance something of a happy ending. Even if that isn’t them, or if it’s not supposed to imply Zeke and Mylene finally got back together, I think he was still waiting for her—and maybe only for her—just like Francisco (Jimmy Smits) waited for Lydia (Zabryna Guevara). No matter what, Zeke and Mylene will always be connected by their music.

Mylene’s journey away from gospel music and into a more sex-laden atmosphere worked really well as a parallel for her growing up and moving beyond the confines of her religious upbringing, even with as blatant as her father (Giancarlo Esposito) being a literal preacher was. I did appreciate and enjoy Mylene finally getting out of that situation with her dad before he died, though, and Guardiola was great at portraying Mylene’s attempts to break free as well as her confidence when it came to taking hold of her group’s future. I also liked the internal drama within the Soul Madonnas that was stirred up by Yolanda’s (Stefanee Marin) concerns about them becoming too sexy, but I thought it should’ve lasted longer. As I’ve seen pointed out elsewhere, her return to the group an episode after ratting out the plans for their sexy show was jarring. I felt like that was a major missed opportunity for Mylene to step up as leader to work out a solution all three of them felt comfortable with while also digging into Yolanda and Regina’s (Shyrley Rodriguez) perspectives more. Personality-wise, Mylene was already a good balance between Yolanda and the more fun-loving, assertive Regina, and it would’ve been great to see her become the balance within the group as well. Seeing her step into a leadership role within the Soul Madonnas would’ve not only given her a new struggle (one that paralleled Zeke and Shao’s fight for the future of the Get Down Brothers, now that I think of it), but would’ve better built her arc towards taking control of her career from Roy (Eric Bogosian). Had Mylene gotten the chance to show him and us that she could handle internal dissension and be a strong voice within the group through the Yolanda incident, it probably would’ve sold Roy agreeing to her terms a bit more. Standing up to him and threatening to walk out of her contract—and Roy caving—may have been unrealistic, as others have noted, but I still liked that she got that moment. Given the necessarily rushed nature of the season, Roy having the sense to keep his talent happy was an emotional win I can get behind, even if it doesn’t make business or real-life sense. 

The other thing I would’ve liked to see in regard to Mylene is where she sees her music going. “See You on the Other Side” implies she won’t fully transition to the full-on sexy thing, but is she content to only do ballads? We know she greatly admired Misty Holloway (at least until Ruby Con), so did she want to be the next Misty or something original? Where does her artistic instinct take her, and what kind of music does she want to be making? Would she have considered pioneering a new style? Would she have tried to dabble in punk rock as that started to challenge disco (and rock ultimately defeated it)? That would’ve been a cool way to pit Mylene’s style against Zeke’s (and Cadillac’s (Yahya Abdul-Mateen II)) in a potential Part 3, give her an entirely different sort of challenge as she tries to adapt to that style, and create an entirely unexpected way to wrap Claudia back into the storyline; maybe she could’ve inspired Mylene to try out what’s out there, since early punk rock was inclusive of women. Of course, those all feel like Part 3 developments. In Part 2, I still would’ve liked to see more of her opinion of what her music should be.

I liked that Mylene and Shao fighting over Zeke’s future gave a much more personal stake to the hip-hop vs. Wall Street nature of Zeke’s two potential paths. That the two of them were the most important figures in Zeke’s life and were fighting over him gave that triangle an interesting aspect that could’ve been fleshed out more, but I liked what we got. I could easily buy that Mylene’s barb about Shaolin being romantically interested in Zeke was more than just an offhand insult. So many characters commented on his and Zeke’s friendship as something more than platonic, like everyone was seeing something he didn’t see (or didn’t want to admit) himself, that I think the writers were definitely hinting that he’s gay or bi. Even Fat Annie (Lillias White) gives a knowing smile when Shao says Zeke isn’t his boyfriend. Shao also immediately understood what was going on between Dizzee (Jaden Smith) and Thor (Noah Le Gros), even though when he “caught them” they weren’t doing anything remotely sexual, which to me implies he's been there, even if he doesn’t want to admit it. Though their friendship was real and he definitely depended on Zeke to provide lyrics to his music, so of course he wouldn’t want to see Zeke head off to Wall Street, I think Shao really might’ve loved him. Perhaps the superhero ninja persona he crafted wasn’t just to cover up the fact that he had no one, but to hide his true identity as well. After all, the only person he really lets his walls down for and tells his “secret identity” to is Zeke. Of course, you can share your deepest truths with your best friend just as easily as with the person you love without it meaning you love your best friend too, but in this era it seems telling that Shao’s ultra-masculine alter-ego only comes down for Zeke in a desperate effort to make him stay.

It’s sad that Shao didn’t ever seem to have had anyone and needed Zeke a whole lot more than Zeke needed him. That made their split all the more heartbreaking. The push and pull over who was actually leading the Get Down Brothers—Zeke or Shaolin—worked well to build their growing conflict to the breaking point. Once they were there, I thought it was a beautiful and heart-rending note to have Shao resort to a Fat Annie movie when Zeke tried to walk away from him. Speaking of Fat Annie, Shaolin falling into dealing angel dust was disappointing given how strongly he’d only cared about being a DJ in Part 1. It’s tragic that moving it for Cadillac was the only way to keep his music going, particularly as it directly led to the end of his DJ career. It’s even more tragic that Shao ended up staying with Annie to protect the rest of The Get Down Brothers after getting even Cadillac out of her grasp. As sad as that is (and Moore sold Shao’s defeat perfectly), it felt like an earned end for him and satisfyingly explained why Fat Annie would let Zeke and the others get away. I wish we were getting a Part 3 to show him escape her grasp.

Adding Dizzee as a secondary narrator was an interesting choice, but it would’ve worked better if the show had honestly and more deeply explored his secret life. That would’ve justified and smoothed over the feeling I got that he was so unconnected from the main plot this season. Aside from Dizzee getting yelled at by his parents (Karen Aldridge, Ron Cephas Jones) alongside his brothers, Get Down Brothers gigs, and accidentally taking the tainted angel dust, it felt like he was existing in a slightly different show that didn’t really reconnect with the rest of the plotlines. As I’ve seen pointed out elsewhere, Part 1 had him doing his own thing too, but still made his connection to the rest of the plot a lot cleaner and more important when he introduced “Set Me Free” to the real tastemakers of New York and made it a hit. Here, even when he collided with the subplots of other characters, like taking the supposedly very dangerous tainted angel dust, he just got a little sick for a minute (which was weird in and of itself) and then continued doing his own thing. That said, his narration and the cartoon segments played into not only the heightened reality of Part 1, but the comics and 70s cartoons the guys would’ve been into as well. I like the interpretation I’ve seen elsewhere that (most of) the cartoon sequences are idealized versions of what the characters were experiencing, like the animated scene that follows their victory at the unity concert where all their comic book alter egos are reveling in their success before the real world comes crashing down around them and their dreams. That was probably the most successful use of the cartoons. On the other hand, there were some animated sequences that were literally just a character arriving at/leaving a building, which felt awkward and pointless. There didn’t seem to be any thematic reasoning for those moments to be animated and the transitions between real and cartoon characters were awkward and disruptive when used that way.

The biggest disappointment about Dizzee’s arc this season was how shy the show was about his burgeoning sexuality. I expected much more to Dizzee coming to terms with being either bi or gay and they literally didn’t even dare speak that love’s name, which was a bizarre choice for a season that also featured Ruby Con and numerous drag queens. It was weird that Dizzee and Thor weren’t able to ever kiss, even when they were painting each other. Dizzee inferring that Boo-Boo wouldn’t ever understand what he was going through was perfectly tragic (and it was a very well-acted scene by both of them), but I wish we’d gotten to see him take a chance and tell his little brother the truth. It would’ve opened Dizzee’s arc to the rest of the characters and Boo-Boo (and the rest of them) trying to deal with it could’ve been a solid dramatic arc. At the very least, a scene with Shao giving Dizzee some comforting words (whether Shao is into guys too or not) would’ve been great. Since Dizzee didn’t tell anyone, feeling (and animating himself) as an alien made a lot of sense and worked, and Jaden Smith conveyed the pain of knowing he couldn’t share his secret very well. I thought for sure this Part would do an AIDS storyline given the time period and the impact it had on the gay community and that would’ve been a powerful, important story to tell. I’m not sure I could’ve handled that level of heartbreak given everything else that went down in the finale, but I did go into Part 2 expecting tragedy heading for Dizzee and Thor. However, what the show gave us instead felt pointless and needlessly mean. My impression was absolutely that Dizzee got hit by the train and that was not a satisfying conclusion to his story at all. Not only did they not let him kiss the guy he was in love with, but half the gay couple gets killed? Come on. The two of them never fit into flamboyant stereotypes about gay guys, but “bury your gays” is an even worse cliché. It felt like a cheap shock that didn’t need to happen. I don’t think the series would’ve had any less of an impact had they just been happy together and it didn’t gain anything by (maybe) killing Dizzee.

Comparatively, Boo-Boo and Ra-Ra (Skylan Brooks) didn’t get much to do this season, and that’s a shame. Boo-Boo’s stint in the drug trade was certainly unexpected and it was disappointing to watch him get wrapped up in that lifestyle, even if all three Kipling brothers’ reaction to their parents grounding them for the drugs they found was funny. Like Shao’s predicament, it was tragic that it was the only way he could see to raise his social status. Regardless, Brown, Jr. clearly had a blast as Boo-Boo briefly hit the high life with this dangerous gig. Boo-Boo’s ultimate arrest was sad and shocking; maybe I was “stuck on hope” or looking for a Hollywood ending, but I didn’t actually expect Boo-Boo to end up in prison. Along with Dizzee’s apparent death, that definitely brought the fantastical nature of the show back to the ground with a stark reminder of the realities of life. That could’ve easily upset the tone of the show, but I think it worked.

I liked Ra-Ra thinking about the future and dabbling in making what The Get Down Brothers do truly profitable and long-term. His sojourn into the Universal Zulu Nation territory was a cool introduction of that style and I liked that he wasn’t welcome because The Get Down Brothers had been marked as drug dealers. The positive culture there was a nice counterpoint to what we’d seen so far and I wish the show had time to explore it more via Ra-Ra’s perspective. I wish it weren’t so animated though; if the animated sections are to be considered the characters’ dream worlds, why is the real salvation from Fat Annie the gang finds in Ra-Ra’s trip animated as well? At first that felt incongruous, but perhaps it’s because the guys aren’t really saved from Fat Annie at all. They get out of her contract, but she still gets Boo-Boo arrested and they still break up. In any case, I wish we’d gotten more of Ra-Ra this season. Brooks brought a great, distinctive energy to Ra-Ra and I would’ve liked to see more of that. Trying to woo Tanya (Imani Lewis) on the phone was so funny and sweet, and this half of the show could’ve used a bit more of his innocence and optimism. I also would’ve liked to see where his forward-thinking got him in the future. He’s one of the main characters and deserved at least a hint at his destiny. 

Cadillac’s love for video games and disco made for a really fun and unique gangster, while his desire to go to space was a great, unexpected reveal! I’m sure Abdul-Mateen II had an absolute blast playing this character and he’ll definitely remain one of the most memorable parts of the show. It was awesome that even Cadillac felt like he got a complete ending to his arc in Part 2. I liked that the unity concert actually changed Cadillac’s mind and got him to successfully break free of Fat Annie. Agreeing to let the Get Down Brothers go after Shao acknowledged their common bonds of abuse by Fat Annie and their desires to be free was a great moment and I really liked both characters at that point. I loved that he’s going to use his freedom to work on his own music, even if his time as a music producer never felt fully fleshed-out in either Part of the series. However, that may have been the point. His revelation about not ever really focusing on his Super-High Voltage Records label all this time felt like a wake-up call to people with goals everywhere: he’s gotten nowhere on his dream at least partially because he never really buckled down and tried. For me, that was a surprising connection to a character who seemed like he’d be completely nefarious and unrelatable at first! I would’ve liked to see him struggle to make it as a producer as Disco died in a potential Part 3. That said, there were a few bumps in the road for Cadillac’s development. It seemed like there was a bit of disconnect between the end of Part 1 and the beginning of Part 2: I felt like he was far more prepared to get revenge on The Get Down Brothers at the end of Part 1 and thought he already knew where they’d gotten their sound system and records, but that reveal was saved for Part 2. It’s possible I misread his moment watching them perform at the end of Part 1, though. His continued obsessive “love” of Mylene was creepy and didn’t amount to anything, so I don’t know why it needed to persist beyond Part 1 (or even past the pilot). On the other hand, I’m so glad that neither that nor Mylene’s producer Shane’s (Jeremie Harris) somewhat teased interest in her ever became anything. I didn’t need to see her sexually used or abused by some skeevy adult in power.

Besides, Mylene’s father using her was enough. As blunt as a man of God trying to keep his daughter holy was, it was cleverly twisted by Ramon trying to exploit Mylene’s career to increase the standing—and the trappings—of his church. I liked that his ambitions became just as gaudy and “godless” as he feared Mylene’s career and soul would become, hurting himself and those around him in the process. His presence even actively drove her to the drugs he feared her fame would expose her to, like when she used cocaine to calm her nerves when he showed up at the Ruby Con. As strong an example of how much impact he had on her as that was, however, it was a somewhat bizarre one-off moment (perhaps in an expanded season, she’d have her own drug problem to parallel what Shao and Boo-Boo were doing). On the other hand, his controlling nature extending into beating his wife felt cliché and unnecessary. I hated him so much in the end that I didn’t care he died; in fact, I was happy to see him go. That said, I wish there’d been more fallout to his suicide than Mylene overcoming it as a survivor (though a strong Mylene is always a good thing). While Ramon probably became the villain of his own story without realizing it, Fat Annie reveled in her ill-gotten empire. She was a great villain and the implication that she’d been abusing both Shao and Cadillac made her feel evil in a far ickier way. I’ve seen people say killing the cat was too much, but I think they did it to prove she really would kill more kids. Perhaps the writing could’ve given her some more dimension and motivation, but she never felt like a one-note character to me (possibly because her performance was so entertaining). I liked that Francisco was finally revealed as Mylene’s actual father and the fact that he “slept alone” since 1960 was sweet. Though it was a little rushed and sidelined, his end felt earned. I feel like we should’ve gotten more of Lydia’s reactions to everything happening with the two men in her life, as well as her daughter’s career, in far more detail than we did. I also would’ve liked more from Jackie Moreno (Kevin Corrigan) than the couple of songs he wrote for Mylene and his support in the contract renegotiation scene. He seemed like such a presence in the first half the series that it was odd he was so sidelined here. It would’ve been nice if more had been done with the three kingdoms of Hip Hop pioneers—Kool Herc (Eric D. Hill, Jr.), Grandmaster Flash (Mamoudou Athie), and Afrika Bambaataa (Okieriete Onaodowan)—as well before they came together to save the kids from their contract with Fat Annie. If we’d known them better, seeing them unite for this moment would’ve felt like a bigger deal. 

I liked the way the teens’ success in Part 1 segued into the manipulation of that success by the people behind Zeke and Mylene in Part 2. That made for a surprising (if inevitable) bittersweetness to their wins at the end of the first Part while giving them new battles to fight that didn’t feel like retreads of the first half of the series, even if many of the same players were involved. For example, the dance/rap-off between the Get Down Brothers and Cadillac’s disco music at Les Inferno was really entertaining and a great restructuring of Zeke and Cadillac’s dance-off over Mylene in the pilot. Fat Annie’s record contract for the Get Down Brothers worked well as a plot for me and I liked that the final rap battle wasn’t just about freeing themselves from that contract, but about proving that using a band just isn’t the same. That said, I really liked the gut-punch reveal at the end that the first hip-hop record did use a band. That sort of historical irony played really well, and had the show continued it seems like that sort of thing might’ve been the battle of a potential Part 3: as I saw pointed out on IGN, it’s ironic that Mylene is such a disco revelation too late in the game for that genre, while The Get Down Brothers arrived on the hip-hop scene a bit too early. I would’ve liked to see the characters navigate the changing trends in music and it’s a shame we won’t get to see more of their stories. Having so many of the main characters meet bad ends was sad, but felt real (even if I’ll never buy that dark/depressing is inherently more “realistic”).

Although I liked a lot the new songs, none of them matched “Set Me Free” or The Get Down Brothers’ winning mix from the end of Part 1 except “See You on the Other Side.” That one had a lot of emotion packed into it and was perfectly used to wrap up the show. The remix of Gonna Fly Now (the Rocky Theme) was cool too; it’s also used directly after they win the Unity Concert and right before their dreams are crushed; like Rocky, they go the distance but don’t really get to win. I loved the heightened reality this show lived in, while the Soul Train-type show Platinum Boogie was a fun bit of 70s atmosphere and I loved how outlandish the Studio 54-esque Ruby Con nightclub was, both thematically and design-wise. The truly creepy and unnerving intro to Episode 4 was very effective and surreal; so effective that I’m not sure the rest of the club or the episode lived up to what the intro promised, even if it still mostly worked. The use of stock footage from the real-life 70s intercut with the glossier night clubs and modern film quality still plays very well too. This world was so unique and well-constructed that it feels like we lost something special with the show’s cancellation.

I’m going to miss The Get Down, these characters, and this world. The actors were excellent across the board and I can’t wait to see more of them in their future projects. Despite some missed opportunities for exploring the characters more (mostly caused by the truncated season), this was a great, satisfying conclusion to the show. In regard to actual events, these 11 episodes may be fictionalized and softened (from what I’ve gathered from other reviews), but they’re still an entertaining insight into an aspect of history I never knew about. If you never gave The Get Down a chance, it’s definitely worth checking out!

Check out more of my reviews, opinions, and original short stories here!

[eichy815]

Network Upfronts 2019: ‘Bless This Mess’ of a Schedule

As has become an annual tradition for the Entertainment Industry, the Big Five broadcast networks – ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox, and The CW – trotted out new schedules for next autumn.  In addition to an unresolved contractual status between TV writers and their agents, this was also the first fall season following the official merger of ABC and Fox.

Last month, I unveiled my own “fantasy schedules” for the Big Five, as a normally do:  one for ABC, one for CBS, one for NBC, one for Fox, and one for The CW.

Not only did all of the networks ignore most of my suggestions – one of them, in particular, cobbled together what is arguably the worst individual network schedule in recent broadcast history.  Whether the other networks take advantage of that shaky foundation to propel themselves ahead, however, remains to be seen.

Here is the mixed bag of decisions made by the Big Five, this year:

CBS

Madam Secretary receives a well-deserved final season of ten episodes, to air this fall.  Undercover Boss, Man with a Plan, The Amazing Race, and (perhaps most surprisingly) MacGyver will return in January or later.   Also on-deck for midseason are new sitcom Broke along with new dramas FBI: Most Wanted and Tommy.

The good:  CBS made some good stability choices, keeping the Sunday and Tuesday night lineups the same as last season.  The new Billy Gardell sitcom Bob Hearts Abishola should benefit from The Neighborhood’s lead-in audience.  New comedies The Unicorn (headlined by Walton Goggins) and Carol’s Second Act (starring Patricia Heaton) have perfect placements behind Young Sheldon and Mom, respectively.  

And likewise, Magnum P.I. should benefit from its move to Friday night behind Hawaii Five-0 (even if it means benching MacGyver until midseason, rather than taking my advice and moving Blue Bloods to a new night).  Additional kudos for being willing to give Madam Secretary its final ten-episode season.

The bad:  Mainly CBS’s stubborn insistence on continuing to prop up the low-performing SEAL Team on Wednesday nights...keeping it in the plum post-Survivor time slot (which really should have been turned over to a new program like Evil, Tommy, or All Rise).

The questionable:  All Rise is certainly compatible forming a two-hour bloc with Bull.  I just wish they weren’t keeping Bull on Monday nights.  This is a tough place to launch a new series...or even to maintain an aging series whose star has been implicated in sexual harassment controversy.

Grade:  B+

Predictions:  Once Madam Secretary takes its final bow in November, look for CBS to consider moving SEAL Team into that sleepy Sunday slot so the David Boreanaz vehicle can prove that it has its own legs.  The FBI: Most Wanted spinoff could get an abridged winter tryout while its mothership series sits on the bench for several weeks.  Broke will probably be midseason spackle for whichever of the three new comedies brings in the lowest demos.  Still, with The Big Bang Theory now gone – if there was any season during which CBS could renew most (if not all) of any decently-performing new sitcoms, this could be it.  But if S.W.A.T. or Evil falters on either Wednesday or Thursday (respectively), then watch for Blue Bloods to finally move off of Fridays to make room for MacGyver (and some epic three-hour crossovers between Hawaii Five-0, Magnum P.I., and MacGyver).  The ten-episode final season of Criminal Minds will probably be used as winter filler, along with summer stints for the returns of The Amazing Race and Undercover Boss.

The CW

Shocking many observers who assumed All-American would be done-for, The CW renewed every single one of its scripted series.  Arrow will get an announced final season to air in the fall, with several midseason replacements waiting in the wings, including Riverdale-spinoff Katy Keene as well as the returns of The 100, In the Dark, Legends of Tomorrow, and Roswell, New Mexico.

The good: Batwoman will be very compatible with Supergirl on Sunday nights.  Similarly, the Nancy Drew remake should be a nice tonal partner to Riverdale on Wednesdays (even though I expected that slot to go to Katy Keene).

The bad:  it seems slightly wasteful to put Arrow’s ten-episode final season in the post-Flash slot, since it’s prime real estate being given to a show that will no longer be around in the new year.  However, The CW’s intent could be to slide in either Roswell, New Mexico or Legends of Tomorrow into that 9pm slot when fresh episodes of The Flash return in January.   I’m also not sure I understand the network’s rationale behind holding Katy Keene over until midseason.

The questionable:  All-American and Black Lightning are probably being paired together because each features a male lead character of color.  But is Monday really the best place for them, especially with the low-rated All-American as the night’s lead-in?  Legacies could benefit from airing behind Supernatural’s final season, and the duo of (newly-relocated) Charmed and Dynasty could hold down the fort on Fridays well enough if their production costs don’t become too extravagant.

Grade:  B

Predictions:  Midseason, Legends of Tomorrow probably takes over for Arrow on Tuesdays.  All-American and Black Lightning may end 16-episode seasons in tandem by March, allowing In The Dark and Roswell, New Mexico to pick up the torch on Mondays.  Depending on whether Nancy Drew gets an extended episode order, Katy Keene (starring Lucy Kate Hale of Pretty Little Liars fame) would seem to be the logical choice to clock in midseason in that post-Riverdale slot (if only for the crossover potential).

NBC

Blindspot is getting an announced final season, premiering at a TBA point next spring or summer.  Law & Order: SVU is rumored to be heading into would could be a final season.  Comedies The Kenan Show and Indebted along with dramas Council of Dads, Lincoln, and Zoe's Extraordinary Playlist (already slated for Sundays) will clock in at midseason.

The good:  Tuesday nights stay the same, which is boring but a safe-and-prudent choice.  Ditto for keeping the all-Chicago lineup intact on Wednesdays, and keeping The Blacklist in its Friday perch.

The bad:  Sunday night seems to be a risky spot to plunk down a new entry with as much breakout potential as Zoe’s Extraordinary Playlist, even if it is sandwiched between the popular Little Big Shots and the solidly-performing Good Girls.  I’m underwhelmed by giving Bluff City Law the golden time slot after The Voice on Mondays – that’s really where NBC should be scheduling Zoe’s Extraordinary Playlist, even if they waited until March to premiere it there.  I assume Bluff City Law is getting a fall tryout due to the star power of Jimmy Smits.

Additionally, I predict Manifest’s momentum will get killed by waiting until midseason to bring it back, due to its serialized nature.  The Peacock Network really missed an innovative opportunity by declining to pair Perfect Harmony and Sunnyside together in a one-hour bloc of new comedies immediately following The Voice’s results show (although such a move, admittedly, would have required NBC to either relocate or delay one of This is Us or New Amsterdam).

The questionable:  I’m assuming Council of Dads takes over for This is Us on Tuesdays in March, given the commonality of their family drama emphases.  The Good Place becoming a 9pm anchor on Thursday night could be genius...or an unnecessary risk, particularly with The Good Place only airing 13 episodes.

Grade:  C+

Predictions:  Blindspot will return for its announced final season in January or February in the hour following The Blacklist.  Will & Grace will likely take over for The Good Place around that same time; at that point, depending on the success or failure of one/both of Perfect Harmony and Sunnyside, NBC has a lot of flexibility to restructure its comedy lineup with The Kenan Show and Indebted waiting in limbo.  Lincoln would probably be trotted out on Mondays if Bluff City Law fails...or be held over until the summer.

Fox

The disingenuous cancellations of Star and The Cool Kids top my biggest disappointments in the aftermath of Fox's merger with ABC.  The Orville and Last Man Standing will return following the conclusion of football at midseason, joined by replacement newbies The Great North, Duncanville, Outmatched, NeXt, Filthy Rich, Deputy, and spinoff 911: Lone Star.  Most significantly – but not surprisingly – Empire will be airing its final season.

The good:  Fox’s Sunday animation lineup appears strong, and I imagine the 911: Lone Star spinoff is designed to air in-between the two halves of its mothership series.  I also hadn’t considered the possibility of The Masked Singer being slotted for the fall, but it is a cheap and low-risk high-reward strategy.

The bad:  I understand Fox’s financial and tactical reasoning for keeping Thursday Night Football and turning over Fridays all season long to the WWE:  that doesn’t mean I have to like it.  On top of that, holding Last Man Standing in reserve until midseason (with new sitcom Outmatched obviously intended to be its new partner) seems unnecessary and excessive.  I’m also not convinced that Filthy Rich would be best suited to follow up those two sitcoms on Thursday (presumably facing more mainstream comedy competition from CBS and NBC).

The questionable:  Why move Empire to Tuesday?  Even with it being the announced final season, is that really such a compatible lead-out from The Resident?  You’d think The Resident would be paired with a more procedural sort of show, like Prodigal Son.  Likewise, the swan song for Empire seems as though it would have been at least marginally compatible with the soapy Not Just Me.

Grade:  C-

Predictions:  With fewer time slots available, there shouldn’t be that many surprises coming midseason.  Season 3 of The Orville might work well paired with the new sci-fi drama NeXt.  Elsewhere on the schedule, Deputy could take over for Empire on Tuesdays.  MasterChef Junior can be plugged in pretty much anywhere.

ABC

The cancellation of Speechless stunned some observers, although I shed zero tears over it.  However, the inexplicable renewals of Single Parents and Bless This Mess proved to be amongst the most mind-boggling (putting it lightly) decisions made by the network.  Midseason, Station 19, Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., American Idol, and The Bachelor will return.  New entries will include dramas For Life and The Baker and the Beauty, sitcom United We Fall, game show Don't, and reality newcomer Videos After Dark.

The good:  Not much.   ABC is wise to keep Schooled right where it is, and resurrecting Kids Say The Darndest Things (now headlined by Tiffany Haddish) was an unpredictable-yet-smart choice.  While I’ve been critical about ABC’s tendency to waste the post-Dancing with the Stars time slot on buzzworthy new shows, I can see the reasoning behind keeping The Good Doctor nurtured there for another season or two, so that The Good Doctor will presumably be able to lead off another night (probably Thursdays) someday.  Let’s just hope ABC doesn’t make the same mistake they made with Castle by keeping The Good Doctor planted there for seven or eight years...

The bad:  Why the hell would ABC renew The Rookie only to send it to Sunday’s sleepiest time slot?  Meanwhile, the network reverts back to its inane, mind-boggling – and, by this point, laughable – approach of premiering totally new one-hour dramas in the dead zone of Tuesdays at 10pm (where Emergence will probably be DOA).  At the very least, they could have kept The Rookie there, and saved Emergence for midseason or summer.

Then there’s the abysmal comedy front.  Out of all the comedies on ABC’s schedule, Bless This Mess and Single Parents were arguably the lowest-quality options for renewal.  And neither of them has brought in impressive ratings, to boot.  Those renewals make no sense when you consider how ABC could have, instead, renewed The Kids Are Alright and continued nurturing it behind The Connors.  Or they could have canceled Single Parents and moved Splitting Up Together into the post-Modern Family time slot (to take advantage of the buzz behind Modern Family’s announced final season).

The questionable:  although it’s logical for Mixedish to share the same hour as its parent series, Blackish – it seems bizarre to give the 9pm anchor slot to the newer (and less proven) of the two.  Stumptown (starring Cobie Smulders) on Wednesday has potential, but will it be different enough from S.W.A.T. or Chicago PD to stand out in that time slot?  ABC is clearly trying to kill American Housewife by banishing it to Fridays?  Is the TGIT lineup on its last legs?  Will How to Get Away with Murder receive an announced final season?  Will A Million Little Things underperform compared to last year?  Stay tuned...

Grade:  F

Predictions:  for the most part, terrible decisions all-around.  Mondays and Thursdays aren’t too bad...but Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday are a mess.

I predict that, in another year or two, executives at ABC will be disingenuously scratching their heads wondering why their viewership numbers have dropped to CW-levels of tedium.

In summary, CBS and The CW turned out acceptable enough schedules.  NBC and Fox missed a lot of opportunities...but they didn’t drop the ball nearly as badly as ABC did with its lackluster, nonsensical scheduling and renewal choices.

Whoever thought we’d actually miss Channing Dungey...???

[samanthasroberts]

5 Common Things Hollywood Does That Instantly Kills A Story

Usually, the factors that pull you out of your focus on a movie or TV show are external. Someone forgets to silence their cellphone, or your mom asks you a question about the plot, or your date from OKCupid decides that a matinee showing of Dunkirk is the perfect time to start getting handsy. That kind of thing. But sometimes it isn’t the fault of the unforgiving world around you. Sometimes movies and shows do the job themselves and awkwardly tear you from your haze, placing you in the uncomfortable territory of “Oh damn. I am watching something, and am terrifyingly aware of that.” How do movies stealthily slit the throat of their own escapism? Well, they do things like …

5

Pausing For The Cameo Of A Big Star

Despite the fact that modern TV is full of quality entertainment that would make movies break out in frustrated, jealous tears, it still operates on the archaic system of “Movies are where important things go, and TV is where you watch inconsequential drivel that serves as a placeholder for actual enjoyment.” Don’t believe me? Look at how shows treat guest stars who are mostly known from movies or other mediums. They are in awe of them. The camera lingers on them, telling you that while the regular cast is nice and all, you should now place your undivided attention on the god king who has just entered the room.

I’m always down for a good lingering camera if the context is right. Jeff Goldblum is returning for Jurassic World 2, and I will be deeply disappointed if his introduction shot stays at Beautiful Jeff Goldblum Face Level for anything less than 20 uninterrupted minutes. The same goes for when a character has seemingly died but then comes back triumphantly. When Lex Luthor showed up in the last episode of Smallville to remind viewers that Superman’s future would not lack bald megalomaniacs, the camera seems to be more thrilled about this than anyone. And it probably was, honestly. Being a living, breathing Smallville fan was not, how should I put this, a “fulfilling” experience.

But the pause that might as well double as a “Clap Now” sign reeks of desperation, and rips away any chance to view what you’re watching as smooth, organic fiction. I don’t demand absolute reality from things. There is NO ONE in the world worse than someone who can’t put their malfunction behind them for two fucking seconds and just HAS TO remind you that no, Batman couldn’t do that in real life. Those people are fun traitors. But when the camera stops to gaze at the bigger star who is encroaching on the lives of the peons who normally inhabit the show, it’s not just stopping the flow of the episode dead; it’s reminding you that Hollywood has a definite hierarchy. A being of shining light and multiple movie deals has deemed this cast of characters worth their time, and we should feel blessed on their behalf.

Even worse is that usually, these guest stars are pretty damn talented. When Steve Carell left The Office, the employees spent a few episodes trying to find a replacement for him. This led to a parade of guest stars like Will Ferrell, Will Arnett, and Jim Carrey, and you’d think that comedy powerhouses like these, when supplied with jokes on one of the best-written sitcoms of the 2000s, would provide an avalanche of humor. Homes destroyed and families torn apart from the sheer magnitude of the fucking comedy. But no, they just kind of shuffled through the show as the camera jammed itself into their pores, as if to scream “ISN’T IT COOL THAT WE GOT WILL GODDAMN ARNETT TO BE ON THE OFFICE? ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR WILL ARNETT FOR LOWERING HIMSELF ENOUGH TO BE HERE.”

4

The Biggest Name Is Usually The Killer

Dramatic shows that have any number of “good guys” require guest stars to keep going. Unless the creators of Law & Order want every plot to be “Ice T was the killer all along, but we forgave him, because aww, just look at him,” they need new talent to fill out the ranks of serial killers, pedophiles, and bartenders who just might have seen someone who looks like that. But this necessity has created a painfully obvious trend: Whenever a big name shows up in a series, they’re going to be doing big-name stuff. And apparently, big-name stuff always involves ruining the surprise.

I’ve talked about Dexter in a few columns because, really, I’m still coming to terms with it. You devote eight years of your life to a show, and then it ends with the plot equivalent of a drunk pissing on your head from a third-story balcony. So you begin to think really hard about whether it was ever that good. And I’ve come to this conclusion: Yeah, it had some really great parts, but man, it had the worst “I wonder what THIS guest star will do?” poker face in the industry.

The first two seasons of Dexter tell a perfectly contained story. And then in Season 3, Jimmy Smits swaggers in with a kind of “I’d like to get a beer with that guy” charisma that only Jimmy Smits really has. But then Jimmy Smits turns into EVIL Jimmy Smits, and Dexter has to kill him. Then John Lithgow shows up in Season 4, and while he’s great, the pattern is being established. By the time Colin Hanks burst into Season 6 with a plotline so terrible that it served as a Dexter Is Not Going To Get Good Again trumpet of the cancellation apocalypse, the standard had been set: If a new dude shows up on Dexter, that dude is almost 100 percent going to end up as Dexter’s table dressing.

Obviously, if an established actor shows up on a prestige TV drama, they’re going to be given a role with some meat to it. When William Hurt or whoever inevitably shows up on the fifth season of Westworld, they’re not going to be given the role of Blowjob Robot Bartender #4. They’re going to get Maniacal Douche Who Was Super Integral To The Creation Of Westworld Who We Never Really Discussed Before. And them basically spelling out what’s going to happen in the rest of the season or episode doesn’t stop them from giving a knockout performance. It just momentarily stops us from getting lost in the show.

It’s also admitting that we’ve kind of pigeonholed what we think makes for good, guest-star-worthy roles. Someone with any kind of positive qualities? Pssssh. Demented Man Child That Makes Tiny Doll Furniture Out Of His Victim’s Toenails? You can basically smell the Emmys on that one.

3

Being Waaaaay Too Self-Aware

Having a sense of self-awareness can be helpful. It’s what prevents you from deciding that your show about six friends who live in New York City is a fresh idea, and it gives you a moment of hesitation when you think “A guy named Harry meets a girl named Sally. HOW HAS NO ONE COME UP WITH THAT?!?”

Even adding a little self-awareness to your story isn’t so bad if you do it in nice doses. The reason The Cabin In The Woods works so well is that it comments on horror film tropes, but doesn’t rely on that to be effective. Compare that to something like Scream 4, where hoping that you get the reference is all that that movie has going for it. The first two Scream films are neat little venture into the nature of horror movies and their sequels, but by the time Scream 4 rolled around, the series had looped back through its own butthole and out of its mouth again in order to prove that it was still relevant. And it wouldn’t have had to do that if it had done the basic job of a movie, instead of relying on blistering self-awareness.

Community at its best was a show with so, so much heart. The love that the writers had for the characters bleeds through, and it’s a passion project carefully disguised as a typical prime-time sitcom. And in its early seasons, the series pulled off self-awareness pretty effortlessly. And maybe it’s due to the fact that Community began to lose core cast members starting in the fifth season, and the last half of the show was plagued with a shuffling creative team, but the self-awareness which had initially set it apart from regular shows became a crutch. The emotional stakes were lost, and in their place were constant comments about the nature of TV, which is like hearing your cheeseburger explain its own ingredients while you try to eat it.

Even vague self-awareness can be jarring if it comes out of nowhere. Kingsman: The Secret Service is a fantastic movie when it’s not talking about the spy movies that it’s borderline-parodying. If that scene in which Colin Firth was taking out the church full of bigots was still going to this day, I’d be okay with it. And don’t act like there isn’t a version of “Freebird” that is three years long. I know there is.

But slapped in the middle of the movie is a conversation between Firth and Samuel L. Jackson about the nature of spy flicks, as if they’re assuming that the audiences that have not yet seen the movie are already a little “out of the know” about what it’s trying to do. Come on, movie. Give us some credit.

2

Music That Defies The Laws Of The Universe

Movie soundtracks can do two very different things. They can heighten an experience, pulling you into the film in the way that a music-less scene could never do. They get your blood pumping without you even knowing, and pretty soon you’re first-pumping by yourself in the theater and screaming that you’ll be forever young at the top of your lungs. Hey, you’re doing it too, not necessarily just me. But a soundtrack can also drop you on your head, revealing that the movie that you’re watching is just a big marketing ploy by people who have figured that since you like Iron Man AND Ed Sheeran, putting both in the same movie at the same time will result in a dump truck full of dollar bills and hookers showing up to their houses.

How does it drop you from your cradle? Well, for one, it can bend the laws of time and space, forcing you to question why anyone would make a movie this way. Take the movie Hitch, for example, wherein Will Smith teaches dudes to talk to women, and teaches YOU to be more careful about picking out which Will Smith movies you go see. He teaches Kevin James how to dance in one scene, but starts his lesson by shutting off the music that’s playing at a party in the future? Future humans were dancing to that song, Will. Don’t cut a hole in the continuum of time when a motherfucker is trying to get down.

Will then puts on the song “Yeah!”, which you might remember from it being more popular than oxygen in the mid 2000s. And then Kevin James dances to “Yeah!” both at Will’s house and at this future party. My problem doesn’t lie with the song “Yeah!” showing up at two different places at two different times, because, again, I’ve heard “Yeah!” more than I’ve heard the Pledge of Allegiance, the National Anthem, and “I love you” combined. It’s just that this scene is edited in a way that makes you realize A) Hitch is a wizard, and B) this movie is a shallow attempt at getting us to like the song “Yeah!” more.

And sometimes a movie will feature a song that’s performed by an actor in that movie. Like how Texas Chainsaw 3D plays the song “2 Reasons,” and one of the characters listening to it and enjoying it is Trey Songz, the guy who sang “2 Reasons.” That’s not a slight wink and a nudge, filmmakers. That’s a big invisible hand coming out of the screen to jar you out of whatever good things you might be feeling and reminding you to go download “2 Reasons,” because the actor who fucking made “2 Reasons” in real life seems to really be enjoying “2 Reasons” in this completely fake life. If you want to give the audience a cue to simultaneously begin ignoring the movie and start playing around on their phones for a little bit, this one is as good as any.

1

“Event” Episodes Where No One Is Happy To Be There

Earlier, I mentioned guest actors, and spoke pretty harshly of them. My apologies, guest actors. To make it up to you, the rest of this column will be written by John Stamos, and he will be playing the role of me. I make these amends because guest actors aren’t the worst things to take you out of TV shows. That honor goes to “event” episodes in which non-actors are given roles, and we’re supposed to be cool with it. “Suck it up,” your television says, “If it wasn’t for me, you’d be playing charades with people you pretend to like.”

The “events” I’m referring to are usually one of two things: musicians coming into town or pro wrestling events. And they’re so awkwardly crammed into the plots that you can’t help but feel your joy be driven from your body like a screeching ghost while you watch. Nothing says “No one wants to be here, especially the people on your screen” like a sitcom episode that features a rock star or a professional wrestler. For example, watch this clip of the time the band Anthrax showed up on Married With Children. But only do it if you want to see a dozen people lose their enthusiasm for the arts allllll at once.

If you watched that and found your sense of happiness to still be alive and breathing, watch Stevie Wonder’s appearance on The Cosby Show, the kind of thing that only happens when the Devil is handling God’s day shift. And if you still have any delusions about the positive power of fiction, dash them by staring into the abyss of any pro wrestler cameo on any sitcom ever — cameos that are usually announced by characters who are suddenly into wrasslin’. This, as a wrasslin’ fan, is absurd from the ground up. You don’t just suddenly declare that there’s a wrestling show near you and that you’re into wrestling. You are into wrestling, and your family and friends spend their whole lives wishing that you’d shut the fuck up about it.

These episodes usually involve either a member of the cast and their stunt doubles clumsily recreating what a sitcom director thinks wrestling is like (like in Fuller House or The X-Files), or finding a way to work the fact that most wrestlers are seven feet wide into the plot (like in Boy Meets World or Smallville). Admittedly, the wrestlers usually seem like they’re having a better time on the shows than musicians do. But nothing clips the wings of your flight into TV wonderland faster than the harsh introduction of pro wrestling logic into an otherwise normal show. “These five friends are on a mission to find success and love in the big city, and over the years, you will fall in love with their wit and their willingness to find pleasure in the small things in life. Oh, and meet their new landlord, Big Van Vader, who is roughly the size of a Woolly Mammoth.”

Daniel is listening to “Yeah!”, as it’s the only thing that drowns out the loneliness. He is a brittle husk of a man on Twitter.

It sucks that your friends are always ruining movies for you, but you won’t need friends anymore after you get the Amazon Fire stick with Alexa voice remote.

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Source: http://allofbeer.com/5-common-things-hollywood-does-that-instantly-kills-a-story/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2019/01/08/5-common-things-hollywood-does-that-instantly-kills-a-story/

[adambstingus]

5 Common Things Hollywood Does That Instantly Kills A Story

Usually, the factors that pull you out of your focus on a movie or TV show are external. Someone forgets to silence their cellphone, or your mom asks you a question about the plot, or your date from OKCupid decides that a matinee showing of Dunkirk is the perfect time to start getting handsy. That kind of thing. But sometimes it isn’t the fault of the unforgiving world around you. Sometimes movies and shows do the job themselves and awkwardly tear you from your haze, placing you in the uncomfortable territory of “Oh damn. I am watching something, and am terrifyingly aware of that.” How do movies stealthily slit the throat of their own escapism? Well, they do things like …

5

Pausing For The Cameo Of A Big Star

Despite the fact that modern TV is full of quality entertainment that would make movies break out in frustrated, jealous tears, it still operates on the archaic system of “Movies are where important things go, and TV is where you watch inconsequential drivel that serves as a placeholder for actual enjoyment.” Don’t believe me? Look at how shows treat guest stars who are mostly known from movies or other mediums. They are in awe of them. The camera lingers on them, telling you that while the regular cast is nice and all, you should now place your undivided attention on the god king who has just entered the room.

I’m always down for a good lingering camera if the context is right. Jeff Goldblum is returning for Jurassic World 2, and I will be deeply disappointed if his introduction shot stays at Beautiful Jeff Goldblum Face Level for anything less than 20 uninterrupted minutes. The same goes for when a character has seemingly died but then comes back triumphantly. When Lex Luthor showed up in the last episode of Smallville to remind viewers that Superman’s future would not lack bald megalomaniacs, the camera seems to be more thrilled about this than anyone. And it probably was, honestly. Being a living, breathing Smallville fan was not, how should I put this, a “fulfilling” experience.

But the pause that might as well double as a “Clap Now” sign reeks of desperation, and rips away any chance to view what you’re watching as smooth, organic fiction. I don’t demand absolute reality from things. There is NO ONE in the world worse than someone who can’t put their malfunction behind them for two fucking seconds and just HAS TO remind you that no, Batman couldn’t do that in real life. Those people are fun traitors. But when the camera stops to gaze at the bigger star who is encroaching on the lives of the peons who normally inhabit the show, it’s not just stopping the flow of the episode dead; it’s reminding you that Hollywood has a definite hierarchy. A being of shining light and multiple movie deals has deemed this cast of characters worth their time, and we should feel blessed on their behalf.

Even worse is that usually, these guest stars are pretty damn talented. When Steve Carell left The Office, the employees spent a few episodes trying to find a replacement for him. This led to a parade of guest stars like Will Ferrell, Will Arnett, and Jim Carrey, and you’d think that comedy powerhouses like these, when supplied with jokes on one of the best-written sitcoms of the 2000s, would provide an avalanche of humor. Homes destroyed and families torn apart from the sheer magnitude of the fucking comedy. But no, they just kind of shuffled through the show as the camera jammed itself into their pores, as if to scream “ISN’T IT COOL THAT WE GOT WILL GODDAMN ARNETT TO BE ON THE OFFICE? ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR WILL ARNETT FOR LOWERING HIMSELF ENOUGH TO BE HERE.”

4

The Biggest Name Is Usually The Killer

Dramatic shows that have any number of “good guys” require guest stars to keep going. Unless the creators of Law & Order want every plot to be “Ice T was the killer all along, but we forgave him, because aww, just look at him,” they need new talent to fill out the ranks of serial killers, pedophiles, and bartenders who just might have seen someone who looks like that. But this necessity has created a painfully obvious trend: Whenever a big name shows up in a series, they’re going to be doing big-name stuff. And apparently, big-name stuff always involves ruining the surprise.

I’ve talked about Dexter in a few columns because, really, I’m still coming to terms with it. You devote eight years of your life to a show, and then it ends with the plot equivalent of a drunk pissing on your head from a third-story balcony. So you begin to think really hard about whether it was ever that good. And I’ve come to this conclusion: Yeah, it had some really great parts, but man, it had the worst “I wonder what THIS guest star will do?” poker face in the industry.

The first two seasons of Dexter tell a perfectly contained story. And then in Season 3, Jimmy Smits swaggers in with a kind of “I’d like to get a beer with that guy” charisma that only Jimmy Smits really has. But then Jimmy Smits turns into EVIL Jimmy Smits, and Dexter has to kill him. Then John Lithgow shows up in Season 4, and while he’s great, the pattern is being established. By the time Colin Hanks burst into Season 6 with a plotline so terrible that it served as a Dexter Is Not Going To Get Good Again trumpet of the cancellation apocalypse, the standard had been set: If a new dude shows up on Dexter, that dude is almost 100 percent going to end up as Dexter’s table dressing.

Obviously, if an established actor shows up on a prestige TV drama, they’re going to be given a role with some meat to it. When William Hurt or whoever inevitably shows up on the fifth season of Westworld, they’re not going to be given the role of Blowjob Robot Bartender #4. They’re going to get Maniacal Douche Who Was Super Integral To The Creation Of Westworld Who We Never Really Discussed Before. And them basically spelling out what’s going to happen in the rest of the season or episode doesn’t stop them from giving a knockout performance. It just momentarily stops us from getting lost in the show.

It’s also admitting that we’ve kind of pigeonholed what we think makes for good, guest-star-worthy roles. Someone with any kind of positive qualities? Pssssh. Demented Man Child That Makes Tiny Doll Furniture Out Of His Victim’s Toenails? You can basically smell the Emmys on that one.

3

Being Waaaaay Too Self-Aware

Having a sense of self-awareness can be helpful. It’s what prevents you from deciding that your show about six friends who live in New York City is a fresh idea, and it gives you a moment of hesitation when you think “A guy named Harry meets a girl named Sally. HOW HAS NO ONE COME UP WITH THAT?!?”

Even adding a little self-awareness to your story isn’t so bad if you do it in nice doses. The reason The Cabin In The Woods works so well is that it comments on horror film tropes, but doesn’t rely on that to be effective. Compare that to something like Scream 4, where hoping that you get the reference is all that that movie has going for it. The first two Scream films are neat little venture into the nature of horror movies and their sequels, but by the time Scream 4 rolled around, the series had looped back through its own butthole and out of its mouth again in order to prove that it was still relevant. And it wouldn’t have had to do that if it had done the basic job of a movie, instead of relying on blistering self-awareness.

Community at its best was a show with so, so much heart. The love that the writers had for the characters bleeds through, and it’s a passion project carefully disguised as a typical prime-time sitcom. And in its early seasons, the series pulled off self-awareness pretty effortlessly. And maybe it’s due to the fact that Community began to lose core cast members starting in the fifth season, and the last half of the show was plagued with a shuffling creative team, but the self-awareness which had initially set it apart from regular shows became a crutch. The emotional stakes were lost, and in their place were constant comments about the nature of TV, which is like hearing your cheeseburger explain its own ingredients while you try to eat it.

Even vague self-awareness can be jarring if it comes out of nowhere. Kingsman: The Secret Service is a fantastic movie when it’s not talking about the spy movies that it’s borderline-parodying. If that scene in which Colin Firth was taking out the church full of bigots was still going to this day, I’d be okay with it. And don’t act like there isn’t a version of “Freebird” that is three years long. I know there is.

But slapped in the middle of the movie is a conversation between Firth and Samuel L. Jackson about the nature of spy flicks, as if they’re assuming that the audiences that have not yet seen the movie are already a little “out of the know” about what it’s trying to do. Come on, movie. Give us some credit.

2

Music That Defies The Laws Of The Universe

Movie soundtracks can do two very different things. They can heighten an experience, pulling you into the film in the way that a music-less scene could never do. They get your blood pumping without you even knowing, and pretty soon you’re first-pumping by yourself in the theater and screaming that you’ll be forever young at the top of your lungs. Hey, you’re doing it too, not necessarily just me. But a soundtrack can also drop you on your head, revealing that the movie that you’re watching is just a big marketing ploy by people who have figured that since you like Iron Man AND Ed Sheeran, putting both in the same movie at the same time will result in a dump truck full of dollar bills and hookers showing up to their houses.

How does it drop you from your cradle? Well, for one, it can bend the laws of time and space, forcing you to question why anyone would make a movie this way. Take the movie Hitch, for example, wherein Will Smith teaches dudes to talk to women, and teaches YOU to be more careful about picking out which Will Smith movies you go see. He teaches Kevin James how to dance in one scene, but starts his lesson by shutting off the music that’s playing at a party in the future? Future humans were dancing to that song, Will. Don’t cut a hole in the continuum of time when a motherfucker is trying to get down.

Will then puts on the song “Yeah!”, which you might remember from it being more popular than oxygen in the mid 2000s. And then Kevin James dances to “Yeah!” both at Will’s house and at this future party. My problem doesn’t lie with the song “Yeah!” showing up at two different places at two different times, because, again, I’ve heard “Yeah!” more than I’ve heard the Pledge of Allegiance, the National Anthem, and “I love you” combined. It’s just that this scene is edited in a way that makes you realize A) Hitch is a wizard, and B) this movie is a shallow attempt at getting us to like the song “Yeah!” more.

And sometimes a movie will feature a song that’s performed by an actor in that movie. Like how Texas Chainsaw 3D plays the song “2 Reasons,” and one of the characters listening to it and enjoying it is Trey Songz, the guy who sang “2 Reasons.” That’s not a slight wink and a nudge, filmmakers. That’s a big invisible hand coming out of the screen to jar you out of whatever good things you might be feeling and reminding you to go download “2 Reasons,” because the actor who fucking made “2 Reasons” in real life seems to really be enjoying “2 Reasons” in this completely fake life. If you want to give the audience a cue to simultaneously begin ignoring the movie and start playing around on their phones for a little bit, this one is as good as any.

1

“Event” Episodes Where No One Is Happy To Be There

Earlier, I mentioned guest actors, and spoke pretty harshly of them. My apologies, guest actors. To make it up to you, the rest of this column will be written by John Stamos, and he will be playing the role of me. I make these amends because guest actors aren’t the worst things to take you out of TV shows. That honor goes to “event” episodes in which non-actors are given roles, and we’re supposed to be cool with it. “Suck it up,” your television says, “If it wasn’t for me, you’d be playing charades with people you pretend to like.”

The “events” I’m referring to are usually one of two things: musicians coming into town or pro wrestling events. And they’re so awkwardly crammed into the plots that you can’t help but feel your joy be driven from your body like a screeching ghost while you watch. Nothing says “No one wants to be here, especially the people on your screen” like a sitcom episode that features a rock star or a professional wrestler. For example, watch this clip of the time the band Anthrax showed up on Married With Children. But only do it if you want to see a dozen people lose their enthusiasm for the arts allllll at once.

If you watched that and found your sense of happiness to still be alive and breathing, watch Stevie Wonder’s appearance on The Cosby Show, the kind of thing that only happens when the Devil is handling God’s day shift. And if you still have any delusions about the positive power of fiction, dash them by staring into the abyss of any pro wrestler cameo on any sitcom ever — cameos that are usually announced by characters who are suddenly into wrasslin’. This, as a wrasslin’ fan, is absurd from the ground up. You don’t just suddenly declare that there’s a wrestling show near you and that you’re into wrestling. You are into wrestling, and your family and friends spend their whole lives wishing that you’d shut the fuck up about it.

These episodes usually involve either a member of the cast and their stunt doubles clumsily recreating what a sitcom director thinks wrestling is like (like in Fuller House or The X-Files), or finding a way to work the fact that most wrestlers are seven feet wide into the plot (like in Boy Meets World or Smallville). Admittedly, the wrestlers usually seem like they’re having a better time on the shows than musicians do. But nothing clips the wings of your flight into TV wonderland faster than the harsh introduction of pro wrestling logic into an otherwise normal show. “These five friends are on a mission to find success and love in the big city, and over the years, you will fall in love with their wit and their willingness to find pleasure in the small things in life. Oh, and meet their new landlord, Big Van Vader, who is roughly the size of a Woolly Mammoth.”

Daniel is listening to “Yeah!”, as it’s the only thing that drowns out the loneliness. He is a brittle husk of a man on Twitter.

It sucks that your friends are always ruining movies for you, but you won’t need friends anymore after you get the Amazon Fire stick with Alexa voice remote.

If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/5-common-things-hollywood-does-that-instantly-kills-a-story/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/181849531207

[allofbeercom]

5 Common Things Hollywood Does That Instantly Kills A Story

Usually, the factors that pull you out of your focus on a movie or TV show are external. Someone forgets to silence their cellphone, or your mom asks you a question about the plot, or your date from OKCupid decides that a matinee showing of Dunkirk is the perfect time to start getting handsy. That kind of thing. But sometimes it isn’t the fault of the unforgiving world around you. Sometimes movies and shows do the job themselves and awkwardly tear you from your haze, placing you in the uncomfortable territory of “Oh damn. I am watching something, and am terrifyingly aware of that.” How do movies stealthily slit the throat of their own escapism? Well, they do things like …

5

Pausing For The Cameo Of A Big Star

Despite the fact that modern TV is full of quality entertainment that would make movies break out in frustrated, jealous tears, it still operates on the archaic system of “Movies are where important things go, and TV is where you watch inconsequential drivel that serves as a placeholder for actual enjoyment.” Don’t believe me? Look at how shows treat guest stars who are mostly known from movies or other mediums. They are in awe of them. The camera lingers on them, telling you that while the regular cast is nice and all, you should now place your undivided attention on the god king who has just entered the room.

I’m always down for a good lingering camera if the context is right. Jeff Goldblum is returning for Jurassic World 2, and I will be deeply disappointed if his introduction shot stays at Beautiful Jeff Goldblum Face Level for anything less than 20 uninterrupted minutes. The same goes for when a character has seemingly died but then comes back triumphantly. When Lex Luthor showed up in the last episode of Smallville to remind viewers that Superman’s future would not lack bald megalomaniacs, the camera seems to be more thrilled about this than anyone. And it probably was, honestly. Being a living, breathing Smallville fan was not, how should I put this, a “fulfilling” experience.

But the pause that might as well double as a “Clap Now” sign reeks of desperation, and rips away any chance to view what you’re watching as smooth, organic fiction. I don’t demand absolute reality from things. There is NO ONE in the world worse than someone who can’t put their malfunction behind them for two fucking seconds and just HAS TO remind you that no, Batman couldn’t do that in real life. Those people are fun traitors. But when the camera stops to gaze at the bigger star who is encroaching on the lives of the peons who normally inhabit the show, it’s not just stopping the flow of the episode dead; it’s reminding you that Hollywood has a definite hierarchy. A being of shining light and multiple movie deals has deemed this cast of characters worth their time, and we should feel blessed on their behalf.

Even worse is that usually, these guest stars are pretty damn talented. When Steve Carell left The Office, the employees spent a few episodes trying to find a replacement for him. This led to a parade of guest stars like Will Ferrell, Will Arnett, and Jim Carrey, and you’d think that comedy powerhouses like these, when supplied with jokes on one of the best-written sitcoms of the 2000s, would provide an avalanche of humor. Homes destroyed and families torn apart from the sheer magnitude of the fucking comedy. But no, they just kind of shuffled through the show as the camera jammed itself into their pores, as if to scream “ISN’T IT COOL THAT WE GOT WILL GODDAMN ARNETT TO BE ON THE OFFICE? ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR WILL ARNETT FOR LOWERING HIMSELF ENOUGH TO BE HERE.”

4

The Biggest Name Is Usually The Killer

Dramatic shows that have any number of “good guys” require guest stars to keep going. Unless the creators of Law & Order want every plot to be “Ice T was the killer all along, but we forgave him, because aww, just look at him,” they need new talent to fill out the ranks of serial killers, pedophiles, and bartenders who just might have seen someone who looks like that. But this necessity has created a painfully obvious trend: Whenever a big name shows up in a series, they’re going to be doing big-name stuff. And apparently, big-name stuff always involves ruining the surprise.

I’ve talked about Dexter in a few columns because, really, I’m still coming to terms with it. You devote eight years of your life to a show, and then it ends with the plot equivalent of a drunk pissing on your head from a third-story balcony. So you begin to think really hard about whether it was ever that good. And I’ve come to this conclusion: Yeah, it had some really great parts, but man, it had the worst “I wonder what THIS guest star will do?” poker face in the industry.

The first two seasons of Dexter tell a perfectly contained story. And then in Season 3, Jimmy Smits swaggers in with a kind of “I’d like to get a beer with that guy” charisma that only Jimmy Smits really has. But then Jimmy Smits turns into EVIL Jimmy Smits, and Dexter has to kill him. Then John Lithgow shows up in Season 4, and while he’s great, the pattern is being established. By the time Colin Hanks burst into Season 6 with a plotline so terrible that it served as a Dexter Is Not Going To Get Good Again trumpet of the cancellation apocalypse, the standard had been set: If a new dude shows up on Dexter, that dude is almost 100 percent going to end up as Dexter’s table dressing.

Obviously, if an established actor shows up on a prestige TV drama, they’re going to be given a role with some meat to it. When William Hurt or whoever inevitably shows up on the fifth season of Westworld, they’re not going to be given the role of Blowjob Robot Bartender #4. They’re going to get Maniacal Douche Who Was Super Integral To The Creation Of Westworld Who We Never Really Discussed Before. And them basically spelling out what’s going to happen in the rest of the season or episode doesn’t stop them from giving a knockout performance. It just momentarily stops us from getting lost in the show.

It’s also admitting that we’ve kind of pigeonholed what we think makes for good, guest-star-worthy roles. Someone with any kind of positive qualities? Pssssh. Demented Man Child That Makes Tiny Doll Furniture Out Of His Victim’s Toenails? You can basically smell the Emmys on that one.

3

Being Waaaaay Too Self-Aware

Having a sense of self-awareness can be helpful. It’s what prevents you from deciding that your show about six friends who live in New York City is a fresh idea, and it gives you a moment of hesitation when you think “A guy named Harry meets a girl named Sally. HOW HAS NO ONE COME UP WITH THAT?!?”

Even adding a little self-awareness to your story isn’t so bad if you do it in nice doses. The reason The Cabin In The Woods works so well is that it comments on horror film tropes, but doesn’t rely on that to be effective. Compare that to something like Scream 4, where hoping that you get the reference is all that that movie has going for it. The first two Scream films are neat little venture into the nature of horror movies and their sequels, but by the time Scream 4 rolled around, the series had looped back through its own butthole and out of its mouth again in order to prove that it was still relevant. And it wouldn’t have had to do that if it had done the basic job of a movie, instead of relying on blistering self-awareness.

Community at its best was a show with so, so much heart. The love that the writers had for the characters bleeds through, and it’s a passion project carefully disguised as a typical prime-time sitcom. And in its early seasons, the series pulled off self-awareness pretty effortlessly. And maybe it’s due to the fact that Community began to lose core cast members starting in the fifth season, and the last half of the show was plagued with a shuffling creative team, but the self-awareness which had initially set it apart from regular shows became a crutch. The emotional stakes were lost, and in their place were constant comments about the nature of TV, which is like hearing your cheeseburger explain its own ingredients while you try to eat it.

Even vague self-awareness can be jarring if it comes out of nowhere. Kingsman: The Secret Service is a fantastic movie when it’s not talking about the spy movies that it’s borderline-parodying. If that scene in which Colin Firth was taking out the church full of bigots was still going to this day, I’d be okay with it. And don’t act like there isn’t a version of “Freebird” that is three years long. I know there is.

But slapped in the middle of the movie is a conversation between Firth and Samuel L. Jackson about the nature of spy flicks, as if they’re assuming that the audiences that have not yet seen the movie are already a little “out of the know” about what it’s trying to do. Come on, movie. Give us some credit.

2

Music That Defies The Laws Of The Universe

Movie soundtracks can do two very different things. They can heighten an experience, pulling you into the film in the way that a music-less scene could never do. They get your blood pumping without you even knowing, and pretty soon you’re first-pumping by yourself in the theater and screaming that you’ll be forever young at the top of your lungs. Hey, you’re doing it too, not necessarily just me. But a soundtrack can also drop you on your head, revealing that the movie that you’re watching is just a big marketing ploy by people who have figured that since you like Iron Man AND Ed Sheeran, putting both in the same movie at the same time will result in a dump truck full of dollar bills and hookers showing up to their houses.

How does it drop you from your cradle? Well, for one, it can bend the laws of time and space, forcing you to question why anyone would make a movie this way. Take the movie Hitch, for example, wherein Will Smith teaches dudes to talk to women, and teaches YOU to be more careful about picking out which Will Smith movies you go see. He teaches Kevin James how to dance in one scene, but starts his lesson by shutting off the music that’s playing at a party in the future? Future humans were dancing to that song, Will. Don’t cut a hole in the continuum of time when a motherfucker is trying to get down.

Will then puts on the song “Yeah!”, which you might remember from it being more popular than oxygen in the mid 2000s. And then Kevin James dances to “Yeah!” both at Will’s house and at this future party. My problem doesn’t lie with the song “Yeah!” showing up at two different places at two different times, because, again, I’ve heard “Yeah!” more than I’ve heard the Pledge of Allegiance, the National Anthem, and “I love you” combined. It’s just that this scene is edited in a way that makes you realize A) Hitch is a wizard, and B) this movie is a shallow attempt at getting us to like the song “Yeah!” more.

And sometimes a movie will feature a song that’s performed by an actor in that movie. Like how Texas Chainsaw 3D plays the song “2 Reasons,” and one of the characters listening to it and enjoying it is Trey Songz, the guy who sang “2 Reasons.” That’s not a slight wink and a nudge, filmmakers. That’s a big invisible hand coming out of the screen to jar you out of whatever good things you might be feeling and reminding you to go download “2 Reasons,” because the actor who fucking made “2 Reasons” in real life seems to really be enjoying “2 Reasons” in this completely fake life. If you want to give the audience a cue to simultaneously begin ignoring the movie and start playing around on their phones for a little bit, this one is as good as any.

1

“Event” Episodes Where No One Is Happy To Be There

Earlier, I mentioned guest actors, and spoke pretty harshly of them. My apologies, guest actors. To make it up to you, the rest of this column will be written by John Stamos, and he will be playing the role of me. I make these amends because guest actors aren’t the worst things to take you out of TV shows. That honor goes to “event” episodes in which non-actors are given roles, and we’re supposed to be cool with it. “Suck it up,” your television says, “If it wasn’t for me, you’d be playing charades with people you pretend to like.”

The “events” I’m referring to are usually one of two things: musicians coming into town or pro wrestling events. And they’re so awkwardly crammed into the plots that you can’t help but feel your joy be driven from your body like a screeching ghost while you watch. Nothing says “No one wants to be here, especially the people on your screen” like a sitcom episode that features a rock star or a professional wrestler. For example, watch this clip of the time the band Anthrax showed up on Married With Children. But only do it if you want to see a dozen people lose their enthusiasm for the arts allllll at once.

If you watched that and found your sense of happiness to still be alive and breathing, watch Stevie Wonder’s appearance on The Cosby Show, the kind of thing that only happens when the Devil is handling God’s day shift. And if you still have any delusions about the positive power of fiction, dash them by staring into the abyss of any pro wrestler cameo on any sitcom ever — cameos that are usually announced by characters who are suddenly into wrasslin’. This, as a wrasslin’ fan, is absurd from the ground up. You don’t just suddenly declare that there’s a wrestling show near you and that you’re into wrestling. You are into wrestling, and your family and friends spend their whole lives wishing that you’d shut the fuck up about it.

These episodes usually involve either a member of the cast and their stunt doubles clumsily recreating what a sitcom director thinks wrestling is like (like in Fuller House or The X-Files), or finding a way to work the fact that most wrestlers are seven feet wide into the plot (like in Boy Meets World or Smallville). Admittedly, the wrestlers usually seem like they’re having a better time on the shows than musicians do. But nothing clips the wings of your flight into TV wonderland faster than the harsh introduction of pro wrestling logic into an otherwise normal show. “These five friends are on a mission to find success and love in the big city, and over the years, you will fall in love with their wit and their willingness to find pleasure in the small things in life. Oh, and meet their new landlord, Big Van Vader, who is roughly the size of a Woolly Mammoth.”

Daniel is listening to “Yeah!”, as it’s the only thing that drowns out the loneliness. He is a brittle husk of a man on Twitter.

It sucks that your friends are always ruining movies for you, but you won’t need friends anymore after you get the Amazon Fire stick with Alexa voice remote.

If you loved this article and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/5-common-things-hollywood-does-that-instantly-kills-a-story/

[trendingnewsb]

5 Common Things Hollywood Does That Instantly Kills A Story

Usually, the factors that pull you out of your focus on a movie or TV show are external. Someone forgets to silence their cellphone, or your mom asks you a question about the plot, or your date from OKCupid decides that a matinee showing of Dunkirk is the perfect time to start getting handsy. That kind of thing. But sometimes it isn’t the fault of the unforgiving world around you. Sometimes movies and shows do the job themselves and awkwardly tear you from your haze, placing you in the uncomfortable territory of “Oh damn. I am watching something, and am terrifyingly aware of that.” How do movies stealthily slit the throat of their own escapism? Well, they do things like …

5

Pausing For The Cameo Of A Big Star

Despite the fact that modern TV is full of quality entertainment that would make movies break out in frustrated, jealous tears, it still operates on the archaic system of “Movies are where important things go, and TV is where you watch inconsequential drivel that serves as a placeholder for actual enjoyment.” Don’t believe me? Look at how shows treat guest stars who are mostly known from movies or other mediums. They are in awe of them. The camera lingers on them, telling you that while the regular cast is nice and all, you should now place your undivided attention on the god king who has just entered the room.

I’m always down for a good lingering camera if the context is right. Jeff Goldblum is returning for Jurassic World 2, and I will be deeply disappointed if his introduction shot stays at Beautiful Jeff Goldblum Face Level for anything less than 20 uninterrupted minutes. The same goes for when a character has seemingly died but then comes back triumphantly. When Lex Luthor showed up in the last episode of Smallville to remind viewers that Superman’s future would not lack bald megalomaniacs, the camera seems to be more thrilled about this than anyone. And it probably was, honestly. Being a living, breathing Smallville fan was not, how should I put this, a “fulfilling” experience.

But the pause that might as well double as a “Clap Now” sign reeks of desperation, and rips away any chance to view what you’re watching as smooth, organic fiction. I don’t demand absolute reality from things. There is NO ONE in the world worse than someone who can’t put their malfunction behind them for two fucking seconds and just HAS TO remind you that no, Batman couldn’t do that in real life. Those people are fun traitors. But when the camera stops to gaze at the bigger star who is encroaching on the lives of the peons who normally inhabit the show, it’s not just stopping the flow of the episode dead; it’s reminding you that Hollywood has a definite hierarchy. A being of shining light and multiple movie deals has deemed this cast of characters worth their time, and we should feel blessed on their behalf.

Even worse is that usually, these guest stars are pretty damn talented. When Steve Carell left The Office, the employees spent a few episodes trying to find a replacement for him. This led to a parade of guest stars like Will Ferrell, Will Arnett, and Jim Carrey, and you’d think that comedy powerhouses like these, when supplied with jokes on one of the best-written sitcoms of the 2000s, would provide an avalanche of humor. Homes destroyed and families torn apart from the sheer magnitude of the fucking comedy. But no, they just kind of shuffled through the show as the camera jammed itself into their pores, as if to scream “ISN’T IT COOL THAT WE GOT WILL GODDAMN ARNETT TO BE ON THE OFFICE? ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR WILL ARNETT FOR LOWERING HIMSELF ENOUGH TO BE HERE.”

4

The Biggest Name Is Usually The Killer

Dramatic shows that have any number of “good guys” require guest stars to keep going. Unless the creators of Law & Order want every plot to be “Ice T was the killer all along, but we forgave him, because aww, just look at him,” they need new talent to fill out the ranks of serial killers, pedophiles, and bartenders who just might have seen someone who looks like that. But this necessity has created a painfully obvious trend: Whenever a big name shows up in a series, they’re going to be doing big-name stuff. And apparently, big-name stuff always involves ruining the surprise.

I’ve talked about Dexter in a few columns because, really, I’m still coming to terms with it. You devote eight years of your life to a show, and then it ends with the plot equivalent of a drunk pissing on your head from a third-story balcony. So you begin to think really hard about whether it was ever that good. And I’ve come to this conclusion: Yeah, it had some really great parts, but man, it had the worst “I wonder what THIS guest star will do?” poker face in the industry.

The first two seasons of Dexter tell a perfectly contained story. And then in Season 3, Jimmy Smits swaggers in with a kind of “I’d like to get a beer with that guy” charisma that only Jimmy Smits really has. But then Jimmy Smits turns into EVIL Jimmy Smits, and Dexter has to kill him. Then John Lithgow shows up in Season 4, and while he’s great, the pattern is being established. By the time Colin Hanks burst into Season 6 with a plotline so terrible that it served as a Dexter Is Not Going To Get Good Again trumpet of the cancellation apocalypse, the standard had been set: If a new dude shows up on Dexter, that dude is almost 100 percent going to end up as Dexter’s table dressing.

Obviously, if an established actor shows up on a prestige TV drama, they’re going to be given a role with some meat to it. When William Hurt or whoever inevitably shows up on the fifth season of Westworld, they’re not going to be given the role of Blowjob Robot Bartender #4. They’re going to get Maniacal Douche Who Was Super Integral To The Creation Of Westworld Who We Never Really Discussed Before. And them basically spelling out what’s going to happen in the rest of the season or episode doesn’t stop them from giving a knockout performance. It just momentarily stops us from getting lost in the show.

It’s also admitting that we’ve kind of pigeonholed what we think makes for good, guest-star-worthy roles. Someone with any kind of positive qualities? Pssssh. Demented Man Child That Makes Tiny Doll Furniture Out Of His Victim’s Toenails? You can basically smell the Emmys on that one.

3

Being Waaaaay Too Self-Aware

Having a sense of self-awareness can be helpful. It’s what prevents you from deciding that your show about six friends who live in New York City is a fresh idea, and it gives you a moment of hesitation when you think “A guy named Harry meets a girl named Sally. HOW HAS NO ONE COME UP WITH THAT?!?”

Even adding a little self-awareness to your story isn’t so bad if you do it in nice doses. The reason The Cabin In The Woods works so well is that it comments on horror film tropes, but doesn’t rely on that to be effective. Compare that to something like Scream 4, where hoping that you get the reference is all that that movie has going for it. The first two Scream films are neat little venture into the nature of horror movies and their sequels, but by the time Scream 4 rolled around, the series had looped back through its own butthole and out of its mouth again in order to prove that it was still relevant. And it wouldn’t have had to do that if it had done the basic job of a movie, instead of relying on blistering self-awareness.

Community at its best was a show with so, so much heart. The love that the writers had for the characters bleeds through, and it’s a passion project carefully disguised as a typical prime-time sitcom. And in its early seasons, the series pulled off self-awareness pretty effortlessly. And maybe it’s due to the fact that Community began to lose core cast members starting in the fifth season, and the last half of the show was plagued with a shuffling creative team, but the self-awareness which had initially set it apart from regular shows became a crutch. The emotional stakes were lost, and in their place were constant comments about the nature of TV, which is like hearing your cheeseburger explain its own ingredients while you try to eat it.

Even vague self-awareness can be jarring if it comes out of nowhere. Kingsman: The Secret Service is a fantastic movie when it’s not talking about the spy movies that it’s borderline-parodying. If that scene in which Colin Firth was taking out the church full of bigots was still going to this day, I’d be okay with it. And don’t act like there isn’t a version of “Freebird” that is three years long. I know there is.

But slapped in the middle of the movie is a conversation between Firth and Samuel L. Jackson about the nature of spy flicks, as if they’re assuming that the audiences that have not yet seen the movie are already a little “out of the know” about what it’s trying to do. Come on, movie. Give us some credit.

2

Music That Defies The Laws Of The Universe

Movie soundtracks can do two very different things. They can heighten an experience, pulling you into the film in the way that a music-less scene could never do. They get your blood pumping without you even knowing, and pretty soon you’re first-pumping by yourself in the theater and screaming that you’ll be forever young at the top of your lungs. Hey, you’re doing it too, not necessarily just me. But a soundtrack can also drop you on your head, revealing that the movie that you’re watching is just a big marketing ploy by people who have figured that since you like Iron Man AND Ed Sheeran, putting both in the same movie at the same time will result in a dump truck full of dollar bills and hookers showing up to their houses.

How does it drop you from your cradle? Well, for one, it can bend the laws of time and space, forcing you to question why anyone would make a movie this way. Take the movie Hitch, for example, wherein Will Smith teaches dudes to talk to women, and teaches YOU to be more careful about picking out which Will Smith movies you go see. He teaches Kevin James how to dance in one scene, but starts his lesson by shutting off the music that’s playing at a party in the future? Future humans were dancing to that song, Will. Don’t cut a hole in the continuum of time when a motherfucker is trying to get down.

Will then puts on the song “Yeah!”, which you might remember from it being more popular than oxygen in the mid 2000s. And then Kevin James dances to “Yeah!” both at Will’s house and at this future party. My problem doesn’t lie with the song “Yeah!” showing up at two different places at two different times, because, again, I’ve heard “Yeah!” more than I’ve heard the Pledge of Allegiance, the National Anthem, and “I love you” combined. It’s just that this scene is edited in a way that makes you realize A) Hitch is a wizard, and B) this movie is a shallow attempt at getting us to like the song “Yeah!” more.

And sometimes a movie will feature a song that’s performed by an actor in that movie. Like how Texas Chainsaw 3D plays the song “2 Reasons,” and one of the characters listening to it and enjoying it is Trey Songz, the guy who sang “2 Reasons.” That’s not a slight wink and a nudge, filmmakers. That’s a big invisible hand coming out of the screen to jar you out of whatever good things you might be feeling and reminding you to go download “2 Reasons,” because the actor who fucking made “2 Reasons” in real life seems to really be enjoying “2 Reasons” in this completely fake life. If you want to give the audience a cue to simultaneously begin ignoring the movie and start playing around on their phones for a little bit, this one is as good as any.

1

“Event” Episodes Where No One Is Happy To Be There

Earlier, I mentioned guest actors, and spoke pretty harshly of them. My apologies, guest actors. To make it up to you, the rest of this column will be written by John Stamos, and he will be playing the role of me. I make these amends because guest actors aren’t the worst things to take you out of TV shows. That honor goes to “event” episodes in which non-actors are given roles, and we’re supposed to be cool with it. “Suck it up,” your television says, “If it wasn’t for me, you’d be playing charades with people you pretend to like.”

The “events” I’m referring to are usually one of two things: musicians coming into town or pro wrestling events. And they’re so awkwardly crammed into the plots that you can’t help but feel your joy be driven from your body like a screeching ghost while you watch. Nothing says “No one wants to be here, especially the people on your screen” like a sitcom episode that features a rock star or a professional wrestler. For example, watch this clip of the time the band Anthrax showed up on Married With Children. But only do it if you want to see a dozen people lose their enthusiasm for the arts allllll at once.

If you watched that and found your sense of happiness to still be alive and breathing, watch Stevie Wonder’s appearance on The Cosby Show, the kind of thing that only happens when the Devil is handling God’s day shift. And if you still have any delusions about the positive power of fiction, dash them by staring into the abyss of any pro wrestler cameo on any sitcom ever — cameos that are usually announced by characters who are suddenly into wrasslin’. This, as a wrasslin’ fan, is absurd from the ground up. You don’t just suddenly declare that there’s a wrestling show near you and that you’re into wrestling. You are into wrestling, and your family and friends spend their whole lives wishing that you’d shut the fuck up about it.

These episodes usually involve either a member of the cast and their stunt doubles clumsily recreating what a sitcom director thinks wrestling is like (like in Fuller House or The X-Files), or finding a way to work the fact that most wrestlers are seven feet wide into the plot (like in Boy Meets World or Smallville). Admittedly, the wrestlers usually seem like they’re having a better time on the shows than musicians do. But nothing clips the wings of your flight into TV wonderland faster than the harsh introduction of pro wrestling logic into an otherwise normal show. “These five friends are on a mission to find success and love in the big city, and over the years, you will fall in love with their wit and their willingness to find pleasure in the small things in life. Oh, and meet their new landlord, Big Van Vader, who is roughly the size of a Woolly Mammoth.”

Daniel is listening to “Yeah!”, as it’s the only thing that drowns out the loneliness. He is a brittle husk of a man on Twitter.

It sucks that your friends are always ruining movies for you, but you won’t need friends anymore after you get the Amazon Fire stick with Alexa voice remote.

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Multiracial Media Profile: Sarah Ratliff

Hi! My name is Sarah Ratliff and I founded Multiracial Media with a man named Alex Barnett. We began the site in March 2016. Starting today we are launching a new feature on Multiracial Media called the Multiracial Media Profiles. Quick Q&As about people in the Multiracial Community. I’ll start but below will be a link to a form so you can fill it out and others can learn more about you.

The Multiracial Media Profiles is open to all within the Multiracial Community: Meaning a Biracial / Multiracial / Mixed Race person and/or parents / guardians of Multiracial kids.

So below is me: Sarah Ratliff in a Multiracial Nutshell.

Please tell us your name: Sarah Ratliff

Please tell us your age (if you’d like): I am 50.

Where do you live? (City, State, Country): I live in Utuado, Puerto Rico. Utuado is in the interior of the island about 2.5 hours from the capital city of San Juan. I was born in the Netherlands (Holland), have lived in Nigeria, France and four U.S. states and the capital of Washington, D.C. I grew up in New York City.

And Now for the Really Personal Information About Sarah Ratliff

Did you grow up in a Multiracial family? If so, please tell us about that. I did. Both my parents are deceased now, but my mother was Black and Japanese and my father was German, Dutch and Irish. I recently did my DNA test and learned I have 15 ethnicities. They are: Benin/Togo, Nigerian, Cameroon/the Congolese, Mandinka (from Mali), Bantu/South African and that I also have English, French, Greek, Italian, Iberian and Finish in me. (Some are obviously greater percentages than others.)

My parents, circa 1986.

I have two brothers. One is a dark caramel complexion who can easily (and did) grow out an afro and the other is a shade or two darker than I am with long slightly wavy hair. I don’t have any recent photos of us but this from when my oldest was 14, my middle was 13 and I was 10—before my hair went boing!

If you’re in a Multiracial family or relationship currently, please tell us about that (and if that differs from the family setting in which you grew up, please do tell us about those differences). It depends on your perspective. I am married to a monoracial person (meaning that he is one race). My husband is African American. He grew up with two Black parents but like most Black people in the United States, he is actually Multiracial, due to miscegenation because slaves were routinely raped by their slave owners. This is evident in his medium brown complexion. I consider us to be in a Multiracial relationship. Others may not agree.

Paul and Sarah Ratliff in St. Thomas, April 2017. Photo credit: Toes in the Sand Photography.

Have you ever experienced racism directed at you or a family member (or relationship partner)? If you’re comfortable doing so, please tell us about that. Rarely have I / do I presently experience(d) racism directed at me. I am very light complected and in the U.S. I moved through the world as either a White or a Hispanic woman (this is what most people assume I am). My oldest brother has experienced racism directed him. My parents received some horrific racism directed at them. They were married in 1960 before it was legal throughout the United States for them to be married. My father received a lot of negative comments from former co-workers and friends. However, the worst racism they received was from his own father, who disowned my father for marrying my mother. I never met his parents.

My husband has been on the receiving end of racism too many times to count.

Since we’ve been living in Puerto Rico, it’s dramatically reduced. We both look Puerto Rican and so people assume that’s what we are. Depending on where we are on the island, reactions to my husband can range from curious to somewhat hostile. When I say depending, it’s dependent upon whether there is a light, medium or heavy concentration of dark complected / Black Puerto Ricans or not. The interior of the island, in particular the mountain region where we live, doesn’t have too many Black people. The coastal areas have many more because that’s where slaves were mostly lived.

In your job/career, do you work on issues relating to the Multiracial community or the Multiracial experience? If so, please tell us about that. If you have samples of such work that you’d like to share (jpegs, links to video or music, etc.), please do send along. I am an activist and a writer and most of my writing is advocacy related. I co-authored a book called Being Biracial: Where Our Secret Worlds Collide.

Being Biracial: Where Our Secret Worlds Collide

Good, bad, ugly and illuminating—everyone has an opinion on race. As Biracial people continue trending, the discussion is no longer about a singular topic, but is more like playing a game of multi-level chess. The anthology, Being Biracial: Where Our Secret Worlds Collide, cites the experiences of twenty-four mixed-race authors and parents of multiracial children of all ages and backgrounds, from all over the world. It blends positivity, negativity, humor, pathos and realism in an enlightening exploration of what it means to be more than one ethnicity.

My co-author is White and she’s married to a Black man. Together they are raising three Biracial children in England. Being Biracial, as we affectionately call it, is on sale exclusively through Amazon in the U.S. and in the UK it is on Amazon and in Waterstone’s.

My writing can be seen on my personal website. I am also one of the two founders and publishers of Multiracial Media.

What do you think are the biggest misapprehensions or misunderstandings that people have about Multiracial people and/or Multiracial families/relationships? How much time do you have? Sarcasm aside, I’ll make a list.

That we (Multiracial / Biracial people) are stuck up and think we’re better than people who are one race. Get to know us; we don’t bite and there are jerks as well as nice people among us.

That Multiracial / Biracial people are healthier and/or more beautiful. People, we’re not dogs. Our parents weren’t / aren’t breeders who looked for the best traits in each other so they could make a master race of genetically superior kids. Shocking though it may seem, our parents—like yours—fell in love and wanted to make a family.

That our parents didn’t think about the implications of having Biracial / Multiracial children. Quite the contrary, they spent long hours talking ad nauseam about it. They stayed up late and worried how society, their families, the cops, the schools, the neighbors, their coworkers, etc. would react to their kids. Parents of Multiracial and Biracial kids are continually shocked when people treat their kids like they’re normal. That we know we’re all normal isn’t the issue.

That our musical taste, interest in art and other forms of culture, sense of style, the way we talk, etc. are tied to being Multiracial. I don’t love rock, disco, funk, hip hop, jazz, salsa, classical, reggae, etc. because I am three races and 15 ethnicities. I like those genres because I have eclectic taste. And guess what? I know monoracial people whose musical tastes are similar to mine. I know people of all races who dress the way they want to dress not because they’re Biracial but because it’s what appeals to them. I know … shocking!

That I don’t wear makeup because I think because I am Multiracial I am prettier than monoracial people. I don’t wear makeup because I feel it’s artificial and I want people knowing what I look like.

That we like complete strangers touching our hair or asking questions about. People, please! Again, we’re not dogs, dolls or some science experiment.

That we’re exotic. Lord, if I hear one more person call me exotic, I might actually scream. We’re not dolls. We’re people, just like you. Please stop fetishizing us!

That we only have Multiracial friends. I have friends from all over the world—most of them are one race.

That we have or don’t have a “type.” I have dated men from various monoethnic groups as well as a few Multiracial men. I am interested in someone for what’s going on in their brains and hearts, and they may or may not correspond to his race / ethnicity. I have known Multiracial people only date… Like you, we’re all different and you can’t shove us in a box.

That our parents had children with each other to be different or unique. Going back to the second bullet, my parents were actually pretty reluctant to get involved with each other. They met over the phone and my father had no idea my mother was a woman of color. They broke up over it several times. They were together during the Civil Rights Movement and at a time when it was illegal for them to marry in many states. They really didn’t want to bring any personal, societal or legal trouble on themselves.

There are many others, but I think those could be the highlights.

Do you have a favorite Multiracial celebrity or celebrity Multiracial family/couple? If so, why? 

I have a several celebrity crushes and some of them are from “back in the day.”

Ed Norton (he’s White, I think of Irish descent)

Nicholas Turturro (he’s Italian)

Henry Simmons (he’s Black)

Daniel Sunjata (he’s Biracial)

Erik Palladino (I think he’s Italian)

Esai Morales (he’s Puerto Rican)

Jimmy Smits (he’s Surinamese and Puerto Rican)

Michael DeLorenzo (he’s half Puerto Rican and half Italian)

Malik Yoba (he’s Black)

Eriq La Salle (he’s Black)

Mark Consuelos (he’s half Italian and half Mexican)

Wentworth Miller (he’s both Biracial and gay, but I think he’s fine)

LL Cool J (he’s Black)

I am not noticing a pattern here. 🙂

That’s me: Sarah Ratliff in a Multiracial nutshell.

To Reach Sarah Ratliff on the ‘Net

Sarah Ratliff’s personal website

Sarah Ratliff’s content marketing agency website 

Sarah Ratliff’s co-authored book, Being Biracial: Where Our Secret Worlds Collide

Sarah Ratliff’s eco-organic farm website in English

Sarah Ratliff’s eco-organic farm website in Spanish 

Sarah Ratliff on Facebook

Sarah Ratliff on Twitter

Here’s the link if you’d like to create your own profile for us: Multiracial Media Profile.

Multiracial Media Profile: Sarah Ratliff if you want to check out other voices of the Multiracial Community click here Multiracial Media

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5 Common Things Hollywood Does That Instantly Kills A Story

Usually, the factors that pull you out of your focus on a movie or TV show are external. Someone forgets to silence their cellphone, or your mom asks you a question about the plot, or your date from OKCupid decides that a matinee showing of Dunkirk is the perfect time to start getting handsy. That kind of thing. But sometimes it isn’t the fault of the unforgiving world around you. Sometimes movies and shows do the job themselves and awkwardly tear you from your haze, placing you in the uncomfortable territory of “Oh damn. I am watching something, and am terrifyingly aware of that.” How do movies stealthily slit the throat of their own escapism? Well, they do things like ��

5

Pausing For The Cameo Of A Big Star

Despite the fact that modern TV is full of quality entertainment that would make movies break out in frustrated, jealous tears, it still operates on the archaic system of “Movies are where important things go, and TV is where you watch inconsequential drivel that serves as a placeholder for actual enjoyment.” Don’t believe me? Look at how shows treat guest stars who are mostly known from movies or other mediums. They are in awe of them. The camera lingers on them, telling you that while the regular cast is nice and all, you should now place your undivided attention on the god king who has just entered the room.

I’m always down for a good lingering camera if the context is right. Jeff Goldblum is returning for Jurassic World 2, and I will be deeply disappointed if his introduction shot stays at Beautiful Jeff Goldblum Face Level for anything less than 20 uninterrupted minutes. The same goes for when a character has seemingly died but then comes back triumphantly. When Lex Luthor showed up in the last episode of Smallville to remind viewers that Superman’s future would not lack bald megalomaniacs, the camera seems to be more thrilled about this than anyone. And it probably was, honestly. Being a living, breathing Smallville fan was not, how should I put this, a “fulfilling” experience.

But the pause that might as well double as a “Clap Now” sign reeks of desperation, and rips away any chance to view what you’re watching as smooth, organic fiction. I don’t demand absolute reality from things. There is NO ONE in the world worse than someone who can’t put their malfunction behind them for two fucking seconds and just HAS TO remind you that no, Batman couldn’t do that in real life. Those people are fun traitors. But when the camera stops to gaze at the bigger star who is encroaching on the lives of the peons who normally inhabit the show, it’s not just stopping the flow of the episode dead; it’s reminding you that Hollywood has a definite hierarchy. A being of shining light and multiple movie deals has deemed this cast of characters worth their time, and we should feel blessed on their behalf.

Even worse is that usually, these guest stars are pretty damn talented. When Steve Carell left The Office, the employees spent a few episodes trying to find a replacement for him. This led to a parade of guest stars like Will Ferrell, Will Arnett, and Jim Carrey, and you’d think that comedy powerhouses like these, when supplied with jokes on one of the best-written sitcoms of the 2000s, would provide an avalanche of humor. Homes destroyed and families torn apart from the sheer magnitude of the fucking comedy. But no, they just kind of shuffled through the show as the camera jammed itself into their pores, as if to scream “ISN’T IT COOL THAT WE GOT WILL GODDAMN ARNETT TO BE ON THE OFFICE? ROUND OF APPLAUSE FOR WILL ARNETT FOR LOWERING HIMSELF ENOUGH TO BE HERE.”

4

The Biggest Name Is Usually The Killer

Dramatic shows that have any number of “good guys” require guest stars to keep going. Unless the creators of Law & Order want every plot to be “Ice T was the killer all along, but we forgave him, because aww, just look at him,” they need new talent to fill out the ranks of serial killers, pedophiles, and bartenders who just might have seen someone who looks like that. But this necessity has created a painfully obvious trend: Whenever a big name shows up in a series, they’re going to be doing big-name stuff. And apparently, big-name stuff always involves ruining the surprise.

I’ve talked about Dexter in a few columns because, really, I’m still coming to terms with it. You devote eight years of your life to a show, and then it ends with the plot equivalent of a drunk pissing on your head from a third-story balcony. So you begin to think really hard about whether it was ever that good. And I’ve come to this conclusion: Yeah, it had some really great parts, but man, it had the worst “I wonder what THIS guest star will do?” poker face in the industry.

The first two seasons of Dexter tell a perfectly contained story. And then in Season 3, Jimmy Smits swaggers in with a kind of “I’d like to get a beer with that guy” charisma that only Jimmy Smits really has. But then Jimmy Smits turns into EVIL Jimmy Smits, and Dexter has to kill him. Then John Lithgow shows up in Season 4, and while he’s great, the pattern is being established. By the time Colin Hanks burst into Season 6 with a plotline so terrible that it served as a Dexter Is Not Going To Get Good Again trumpet of the cancellation apocalypse, the standard had been set: If a new dude shows up on Dexter, that dude is almost 100 percent going to end up as Dexter’s table dressing.

Obviously, if an established actor shows up on a prestige TV drama, they’re going to be given a role with some meat to it. When William Hurt or whoever inevitably shows up on the fifth season of Westworld, they’re not going to be given the role of Blowjob Robot Bartender #4. They’re going to get Maniacal Douche Who Was Super Integral To The Creation Of Westworld Who We Never Really Discussed Before. And them basically spelling out what’s going to happen in the rest of the season or episode doesn’t stop them from giving a knockout performance. It just momentarily stops us from getting lost in the show.

It’s also admitting that we’ve kind of pigeonholed what we think makes for good, guest-star-worthy roles. Someone with any kind of positive qualities? Pssssh. Demented Man Child That Makes Tiny Doll Furniture Out Of His Victim’s Toenails? You can basically smell the Emmys on that one.

3

Being Waaaaay Too Self-Aware

Having a sense of self-awareness can be helpful. It’s what prevents you from deciding that your show about six friends who live in New York City is a fresh idea, and it gives you a moment of hesitation when you think “A guy named Harry meets a girl named Sally. HOW HAS NO ONE COME UP WITH THAT?!?”

Even adding a little self-awareness to your story isn’t so bad if you do it in nice doses. The reason The Cabin In The Woods works so well is that it comments on horror film tropes, but doesn’t rely on that to be effective. Compare that to something like Scream 4, where hoping that you get the reference is all that that movie has going for it. The first two Scream films are neat little venture into the nature of horror movies and their sequels, but by the time Scream 4 rolled around, the series had looped back through its own butthole and out of its mouth again in order to prove that it was still relevant. And it wouldn’t have had to do that if it had done the basic job of a movie, instead of relying on blistering self-awareness.

Community at its best was a show with so, so much heart. The love that the writers had for the characters bleeds through, and it’s a passion project carefully disguised as a typical prime-time sitcom. And in its early seasons, the series pulled off self-awareness pretty effortlessly. And maybe it’s due to the fact that Community began to lose core cast members starting in the fifth season, and the last half of the show was plagued with a shuffling creative team, but the self-awareness which had initially set it apart from regular shows became a crutch. The emotional stakes were lost, and in their place were constant comments about the nature of TV, which is like hearing your cheeseburger explain its own ingredients while you try to eat it.

Even vague self-awareness can be jarring if it comes out of nowhere. Kingsman: The Secret Service is a fantastic movie when it’s not talking about the spy movies that it’s borderline-parodying. If that scene in which Colin Firth was taking out the church full of bigots was still going to this day, I’d be okay with it. And don’t act like there isn’t a version of “Freebird” that is three years long. I know there is.

But slapped in the middle of the movie is a conversation between Firth and Samuel L. Jackson about the nature of spy flicks, as if they’re assuming that the audiences that have not yet seen the movie are already a little “out of the know” about what it’s trying to do. Come on, movie. Give us some credit.

2

Music That Defies The Laws Of The Universe

Movie soundtracks can do two very different things. They can heighten an experience, pulling you into the film in the way that a music-less scene could never do. They get your blood pumping without you even knowing, and pretty soon you’re first-pumping by yourself in the theater and screaming that you’ll be forever young at the top of your lungs. Hey, you’re doing it too, not necessarily just me. But a soundtrack can also drop you on your head, revealing that the movie that you’re watching is just a big marketing ploy by people who have figured that since you like Iron Man AND Ed Sheeran, putting both in the same movie at the same time will result in a dump truck full of dollar bills and hookers showing up to their houses.

How does it drop you from your cradle? Well, for one, it can bend the laws of time and space, forcing you to question why anyone would make a movie this way. Take the movie Hitch, for example, wherein Will Smith teaches dudes to talk to women, and teaches YOU to be more careful about picking out which Will Smith movies you go see. He teaches Kevin James how to dance in one scene, but starts his lesson by shutting off the music that’s playing at a party in the future? Future humans were dancing to that song, Will. Don’t cut a hole in the continuum of time when a motherfucker is trying to get down.

Will then puts on the song “Yeah!”, which you might remember from it being more popular than oxygen in the mid 2000s. And then Kevin James dances to “Yeah!” both at Will’s house and at this future party. My problem doesn’t lie with the song “Yeah!” showing up at two different places at two different times, because, again, I’ve heard “Yeah!” more than I’ve heard the Pledge of Allegiance, the National Anthem, and “I love you” combined. It’s just that this scene is edited in a way that makes you realize A) Hitch is a wizard, and B) this movie is a shallow attempt at getting us to like the song “Yeah!” more.

And sometimes a movie will feature a song that’s performed by an actor in that movie. Like how Texas Chainsaw 3D plays the song “2 Reasons,” and one of the characters listening to it and enjoying it is Trey Songz, the guy who sang “2 Reasons.” That’s not a slight wink and a nudge, filmmakers. That’s a big invisible hand coming out of the screen to jar you out of whatever good things you might be feeling and reminding you to go download “2 Reasons,” because the actor who fucking made “2 Reasons” in real life seems to really be enjoying “2 Reasons” in this completely fake life. If you want to give the audience a cue to simultaneously begin ignoring the movie and start playing around on their phones for a little bit, this one is as good as any.

1

“Event” Episodes Where No One Is Happy To Be There

Earlier, I mentioned guest actors, and spoke pretty harshly of them. My apologies, guest actors. To make it up to you, the rest of this column will be written by John Stamos, and he will be playing the role of me. I make these amends because guest actors aren’t the worst things to take you out of TV shows. That honor goes to “event” episodes in which non-actors are given roles, and we’re supposed to be cool with it. “Suck it up,” your television says, “If it wasn’t for me, you’d be playing charades with people you pretend to like.”

The “events” I’m referring to are usually one of two things: musicians coming into town or pro wrestling events. And they’re so awkwardly crammed into the plots that you can’t help but feel your joy be driven from your body like a screeching ghost while you watch. Nothing says “No one wants to be here, especially the people on your screen” like a sitcom episode that features a rock star or a professional wrestler. For example, watch this clip of the time the band Anthrax showed up on Married With Children. But only do it if you want to see a dozen people lose their enthusiasm for the arts allllll at once.

If you watched that and found your sense of happiness to still be alive and breathing, watch Stevie Wonder’s appearance on The Cosby Show, the kind of thing that only happens when the Devil is handling God’s day shift. And if you still have any delusions about the positive power of fiction, dash them by staring into the abyss of any pro wrestler cameo on any sitcom ever — cameos that are usually announced by characters who are suddenly into wrasslin’. This, as a wrasslin’ fan, is absurd from the ground up. You don’t just suddenly declare that there’s a wrestling show near you and that you’re into wrestling. You are into wrestling, and your family and friends spend their whole lives wishing that you’d shut the fuck up about it.

These episodes usually involve either a member of the cast and their stunt doubles clumsily recreating what a sitcom director thinks wrestling is like (like in Fuller House or The X-Files), or finding a way to work the fact that most wrestlers are seven feet wide into the plot (like in Boy Meets World or Smallville). Admittedly, the wrestlers usually seem like they’re having a better time on the shows than musicians do. But nothing clips the wings of your flight into TV wonderland faster than the harsh introduction of pro wrestling logic into an otherwise normal show. “These five friends are on a mission to find success and love in the big city, and over the years, you will fall in love with their wit and their willingness to find pleasure in the small things in life. Oh, and meet their new landlord, Big Van Vader, who is roughly the size of a Woolly Mammoth.”

Daniel is listening to “Yeah!”, as it’s the only thing that drowns out the loneliness. He is a brittle husk of a man on Twitter.

It sucks that your friends are always ruining movies for you, but you won’t need friends anymore after you get the Amazon Fire stick with Alexa voice remote.

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