#jiggle is such a silly word what :0

[momozilliness]

hungry until my thighs jiggle on the way to the kitchen

[planet-marz1]

Our Little Sheep

Summary: You and Joel celebrate christmas with your many children Pairing: Joel Miller x F!Reader Word Count: ~4.1k

Tags/Warnings:18+MDNI no use of y/n, implied age gap(not specified), reader is able to get pregnant, jackson!joel, peepaw!joel(really peepaw), mentions of pregnancy, brief mentions of childbirth (nothing graphic), brief mentions of breastfeeding (again, nothing graphic) Lots of fluff & cuteness, Joel being a cute girl dad™, this seems like it should be a crackfic, but I promise It's so wholesome

A/N: Ok so this fic idea was born out of my cold medicine induced haze, so bear with me here guys. It's just a silly little fic, not meant to be taken seriously at all, and It's the most fun I've had writing in a bit, so I hope you enjoy reading! Just a little clarity here, the kids' ages range from 0 to 9. I know it gets all confusing here, so I am welcome to provide any further clarity if anyone needs it! A huge thank you to @catchallfangirl for helping with the naming of all of these gremlins & with the constant encouragement ❤️ Thank you to @fhatbhabie for beta reading!

lovely dividers by @pamasaur

| main masterlist | ao3 link | follow my fic updates blog @planetmarz1-notifs

You open your eyes slightly, squinting them. Joel sleeps peacefully next to you, his breaths even and steady. Burrowing yourself further under the blankets, you scoot closer to him, your head on his chest and intertwining your legs with his. You run your fingers through the curls of his now, fully gray hair.

Slight whines start to fill the room, and you lift your head up and glance over your shoulder to peek into the bassinet next to your side of the bed. Joel had been up with the baby all night after you two had finished wrapping up the gifts for the other kids. So, you groggily sit up in bed, reaching over to pick up the tiny little infant.

“Shhh, It’s alright, little one.” You whisper quietly, trying to calm him. After a few attempts to shush him, it’s still not working. He’s probably hungry, you figure. Lifting your shirt, you help him latch onto your breast, and he finally calms. You sigh quietly with relief. It’s all a part of the process, you try to remind yourself. Little baby Joelseph had only been born a few weeks ago. No, his name isn’t actually Joelseph. Simply a nickname given to him by his many older sisters when you had been pregnant with him. It started as a cute joke, but sure enough he came into the world, and no one was able to call him by his proper name. Named after his father, but considering the chaos of your family, the nickname is simply just another thing that you don’t bother to fight to keep the peace in the house.

The early hours of the morning are usually the small period of time when the house is completely silent. Every other waking minute is filled with the sounds of the kids, either giggling, or fighting with each other over something. Though, silence isn’t always a good thing. You’ll never forget the time the kids got into the kitchen cupboards and practically wreaked havoc in the kitchen while you were outside tending to the sheep.

Sure enough, you hear the trampling of footsteps coming down the hallway. No matter how chaotic it may be, this is your favorite part of the day. Getting to start each day greeted by all of your beautiful children, reminding you of why you are so lucky. You softly graze your fingers over the baby’s hair.

“I think your sisters are here, little guy,” You chuckle softly. The doorknob jiggles a bit. Before all of your daughters begin to spill into your bedroom, all eleven of them. Yes, eleven. You and Joel had, admittedly, gotten out of control in that department.

You and Joel had met when he had returned to Jackson in the spring with Ellie in tow. It had been an immediate connection, quite literally. Hooking up one night in the bathroom of the Tipsy Bison, which is what led to your firstborn, Emilie. The pregnancy had come as a shock, but you and Joel were excited nonetheless.

A chorus of variations of “Mom,” or “Mommy,” begin to fill the room, and you try to shush the girls, reminding them of their little brother. “Ok, girls, I know that you’re excited to get downstairs to all of your gifts, but you’ve got to settle down a bit, alright?” You whisper gently. Finally, they all nod in understanding. The calm is short-lived, though. Jane and Jules, the cutest, but menacing pair of instigators, hop on to your bed, shaking Joel’s shoulder, trying to wake their father.

They were your fourth pregnancy, which was by far the most difficult one you had ever experienced. Constant discomfort, and sleepless nights from the relentless kicking and movement from them. It wasn’t the first time you had been pregnant with twins, but It had gone nothing like you had expected it to.

Joel, though typically a light sleeper, is particularly hard to wake after a night with no sleep, hence why you’d opted on letting him sleep in. The two of them, each on one side of him, lean in close to his face, leaving little room for personal space. “Daddy.” Jules says quietly, Jane keeping a close watch.

Joel peeks one eye open, a bit startled at first at the heavy breathing from the two girls so close to his face, but the confused expression on his face is quickly replaced by a tired grin. As soon as all the girls spot that their father has woken up, they all pile onto your bed, excitedly squealing and giggling. Luckily, little baby Joelseph had already been lulled into a deep sleep after he finished nursing. Even if he hadn’t, you're pretty sure the few short weeks he’s been in the world, he’s already used to the constant noise and chaos from his older sisters.

Joel sits up on the bed, leaning back against the headboard, and tries to wrap his arm as many of them as humanly possible.

“When can we open our presents, daddy?” Tiny little Aurora questions impatiently. This is the first year she’s been able to fully understand the concept of Christmas, and all the gift giving. So, understandably, she is ecstatic for all the festivities of the day. She crawls into his lap, after attempting to clamber over all of her sisters in the way. Joel scratches at the scruff of his beard, and lifts her into his lap.

“How about we all eat breakfast first, sweetheart, then you all can tear into your gifts.” He says lowly, his voice still laced with sleep. “Sound like a plan?” He asks. The girls all nod in agreement.

You slowly stand up from the bed, still cradling baby Joelseph in your arms. Walking towards the door, you gesture for the girls to do the same. They all climb off of the bed, and without fail, the house is once again filled with chaos. All eleven of them racing out of your bedroom, and down the staircase to the kitchen.

Joel meets you by the doorway, placing a gentle kiss on your lips.

“Well hello, sleepyhead.” You tease him. “Sleep well?”

“Just like usual, darling.” He kisses you again, this time placing kisses all over your face, and down your neck, before you place your hand gently on his chest stopping him from going any further.

“Not so fast, old man.” you chuckle softly. “We don’t need another one of these.” you say, gesturing down to the baby bundled up in your arms.

“One more wouldn’t hurt, huh?” He teases, and you just shake your head. 

“You say that because you aren’t the one who has to push them out.”

“We should probably get downstairs before they get into stuff that they shouldn’t be” You murmur, and Joel quietly nods in agreement.

The warmth of the morning sun filters through the curtains, casting a soft glow over the room as you make your way into the dining room. Joel follows you, his hand brushing against the small of your back.

You and Joel enter the dining room, and expectedly the room is already filled with screaming and chaos. Alive with the energy of your daughters, and the two mischievous kittens, Ginny and Joel, weaving in and out of the chaos. 

Emilie, your oldest, is trying to settle an argument between Lacy and Lily, your first set of twins. Nothing new in your household, nearly every morning, no matter how many times you have to tell them that every seat is the same, the kids insist on fighting on who sits where, who sits next to whom. It’s exhausting, but you can’t help but smile at the chaos unfolding before you-it’s simply the routine of your everyday life.

Emilie, with her stern expression, finally manages to resolve the seating dispute between Lacy and Lily. You glance at Joel, and he chuckles, a knowing look passing between you. The girls quickly settle into their chairs, the anticipation of Christmas morning evident in their sparkling eyes. As you take your seat at the head of the table, Joel sits beside you, and the cacophony gradually subsides. Little Aurora, perched on Joel’s lap, swings her legs excitedly, eager to dive into the festivities.

“Alright, everyone, let’s dig in!” you announce with a smile, and the room erupts in cheers. The aroma of the freshly cooked breakfast wafts through the air as the kids eagerly serve themselves.

Emilie diligently helps the younger ones with their breakfast. She occasionally steals glances at the pile of gifts under the Christmas tree, anticipation gleaming in her eyes.

Lacy and Lily are engaged in animated conversation, their excitement palpable. Daisy can’t stop giggling at something Theo whispered in her ear. The second set of twins, Jane and Jules, sit side by side, already plotting mischief as they eye the presents.

Willow, with her big curious eyes, is inspecting her plate with utmost concentration, trying to decide which part of her breakfast to tackle first.

In the midst of the laughter and chatter, you catch Joel’s eye. There’s a shared understanding between you, a silent acknowledgement of the beautiful chaos that is your family. His gaze is filled with gratitude, and you can’t help but feel the same.

As the kids enjoy their breakfast, you steal a moment with Joel. “Can you believe how fast they're growing?” you murmur, your eyes dancing with a mixture of love and exhaustion.

Joel leans in, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead. “Feels like just yesterday we were sneaking around the Tipsy Bison.”

You laugh, the memory of that fateful night vivid in your mind. “Look where it led us.”

Kylie babbles incoherently as she attempts to mimic her older siblings. Aurora still sits on Joel’s lap, her eyes wide with wonder as she takes in the festive scene, and Joel aids her with her breakfast.

Maggie sits contentedly in her high chair, fingers sticky with syrup, as she munches on a piece of a pancake you’ve carefully cut up into small pieces for her.

The kids, fueled by excitement and sugar, chatter animatedly about their plans for the day. You and Joel exchange glances, both silently reveling in the joy of parenthood. The journey hasn’t been easy, but moments like these make it all worthwhile.

As breakfast winds down, you glance at Joel, both of you silently agreeing it’s time for the much-anticipated event of the morning.

The living room is now adorned with brightly wrapped gifts, a colorful display of the love and thoughtfulness you and Joel put into each one. The kids finish their breakfast, their eyes darting eagerly between the tree and the presents.

“Alright, kiddos, let the unwrapping begin!” Joel declares, and the room explodes with excitement. Each of their little faces lighting up with joy. 

“Okay, kiddos, let’s see what Santa brought us this year!” Joel exclaims, and the room erupts in cheers. The kids, now fueled by excitement from their furry friends and a hearty breakfast, rush to the tree, each claiming a spot around the mountain of gifts.

Emily takes charge, distributing gifts to each of her siblings with precision. Paper tears and laughter fill the air as each child discovers the treasures hidden beneath the wrapping.

Lacy and Lily eagerly tear into their presents, sharing excited glances when they unveil matching toys. Daisy clutches a doll close to her heart, and Jane and Jules giggle in delight at the surprise in their packages.

Theo, wide-eyed, unwraps a superhero action figure, and Willow discovers a fluffy stuffed animal that instantly becomes her new best friend. Kylie is overjoyed with a set of building blocks, her imagination already running wild.

Aurora claps her hands in glee as she unwraps a musical toy, and Maggie, though more interested in the wrapping paper than the actual gifts, coos happily.

Daisy twirls with a new dress, her face glowing with delight. “I’m going to wear this everyday!”

Aurora, surrounded by a pile of toys, claps her hands and points excitedly. “Look, Daddy, Mommy, so many toys!” Maggie, with a new plush toy in her tiny hands, giggles with joy. The room is filled with laughter and chatter as the kids excitedly showcase their new treasures.

Jane and Jules squeal in delight as they discover Joel curled up in the tangle of discarded wrapping paper, looking thoroughly pleased with himself. Willow, with her big curious eyes, watches the kittens in fascination, occasionally reaching out to stroke their fur. Kylie bursts into giggles as Ginny playfully bats at a shiny ribbon. Aurora claps her hands in delight at the sight of the playful duo. Maggie points with chubby fingers, her face lighting up with a smile as Joel gracefully leaps onto the back of the couch.

Joel catches your eye, and you share a moment of warmth as you witness the joy on your children’s faces.

“Looks like our little fur balls are the stars of the show today.” He chuckles.

Watching as the kittens continue their playful antics. The room is filled with laughter, shouts of excitement, and the crinkling of wrapping paper.

As the chaos subsides, you lean into Joel, watching the kids with a contented smile. “Merry Christmas, Joel.” He whispers back the same sentiment, wrapping his arm around you, anchoring you in the midst of the joyful storm that is your family.

The room buzzes with the joyous laughter of your children, the kittens weaving throughout the living room. As the kids continue to show off their presents, Ginny and Joel curiously inspect the colorful array of toys and trinkets scattered across the room.

Emilie, your eldest, sits by your side, flipping through her new sketchbook. “Mom, look at this! It’s perfect for my drawings. Thank you, Santa!”

Lacy and Lily, wearing their matching necklaces, approach Joel with enthusiasm. “Dad, Dad! Can Joel play with us too?” they ask, extending an invitation for the adventurous kitten to join in on their imaginative play.

Daisy twirls around in her new dress, and with a dramatic flair, she curtsies. “I’m a princess, just like in the stories!”

Jane and Jules, holding their new board game, insist on a family game night. Jules, gives you a confused look, glancing from the box, and then back up at you. “What is Boggle anyway?” 

“It’s just a word game, sweetheart, definitely an easy game to beat your dad at.” you laugh softly, shooting Joel a teasing grin.

Willow proudly shows you the fluffy stuffed animal she received. “Look Mom, It’s Fluffy! Daddy, feel how soft!” She grabs his hand to place it on the stuffed animal, and Joel enthusiastically plays along with her.

Kylie, engrossed in building her tower with the new blocks, beams with accomplishment. “It’s bigger than me, Mommy!” You smile at her gently, and give her compliments on her tower building skills.

Maggie, in her own little world, squeezes her plush toy and gurgles happily. The kittens, sensing the playful atmosphere, join in on the fun, batting at the discarded ribbons and chasing each other around the room.

Joel, still basking in the warmth of the family scene, leans over to you. “Seems like Santa knew exactly what they wanted.”

You nod, a content smile playing on your lips, ‘And the best part is seeing their faces light up with joy.”

The room is filled with laughter, the sound of wrapping paper being crinkled, and the occasional meow from Ginny and Joel. The chaos is harmonious, a melody of love and togetherness that defines your family.

The kids, their excitement undeterred, start brainstorming plans for the day–games to play, stories to tell, and perhaps a snowball fight if the weather permits. As the festivities continue, you can’t help but feel grateful for the love and warmth that fills your home–a treasure more precious than any gift under the tree.

As the kids reveled in the excitement of unwrapping their Christmas gifts, their attention turned to the chalkboard on the mantle–a poignant memorial to their older sister, Sarah. The room hushed momentarily as the children exchanged thoughtful glances, understanding the significance of the chalkboard.

The kids had put together some artwork and drawings the night before. They gather around the chalkboard, placing their artwork in front of it, creating a beautiful display of love and remembrance. The room, now adorned with their heartfelt tributes, felt infused with a sense of warmth and connection to Sarah’s memory.

Joel, watching from a distance, can't help but be moved by the sincerity and creativity of his children. The simple act of setting their drawings in front of the chalkboard transformed the mantle into a gallery of love—a tangible expression of the enduring impact Sarah's memory had on their hearts.

As the morning continued, the drawings stood as cherished tokens—a beautiful reminder that, even in the midst of joyous celebrations, the love for their sister would always hold a special place in the family's heart.

You nudge Joel gently, catching his attention. “Any Idea when Ellie, Dina, and JJ are planning to arrive?”

Joel looks thoughtful for a moment, his eyes scanning the room to make sure all the kids are engaged in their newfound treasures. “They’re aiming to get here just in time for lunch. Should be any moment now.”

Excitement lights up on your face at the news. “The kids are going to be over the moon to see them again, and It wouldn’t be Christmas without them.”

Joel nods in agreement, a fond smile playing on his lips. “Ellie’s always been good at timing. They’ll be here soon.”

As if on cue, a gentle knock at the door catches your attention. You glance at Joel, both of you sharing a knowing smile. The anticipation in the room heightens as the kids, sensing something special, look toward the door with wide eyes. Moments later, the front door bursts open, and the lively chatter of Ellie and Dina fills the air. The children squeal in delight, dropping their toys and rushing toward the doorway. Ellie enters first, holding JJ’s hand, Dina follows closely behind with a warm grin on her face.

The kids shout at them in unison, enveloping the new arrivals in a sea of hugs and excitement. You and Joel stand back, watching the heartwarming reunion unfold.

Ellie, catching your eye, gives you a knowing nod. “Merry Christmas!” she says as she greets you and Joel. You welcome them with open arms, a surge of joy filling your heart. “We’re so glad you’re here.”

As the laughter and joyful chaos continue to fill the room, you can’t help but marvel at the beautiful tapestry of your family, woven together by love, shared moments, and the bonds that withstand the test of time.

Amidst the joyful commotion, you navigate through the sea of excited children, still cradling little Joelseph in your arms. Joel joins you, and together you watch as Ellie, Dina, and JJ immerse themselves in the holiday cheer.

Ellie, after receiving an enthusiastic welcome from the kids, approaches you with a playful grin.

“How’s the newest little troublemaker doing?” she asks, casting an affectionate glance at Joelseph.

You chuckle, gently rocking the sleeping baby in your arms. “He’s been an angel all morning, surprisingly.” you yawn, tiredly.

Dina joins the conversation, “He’s gotten so big since we last saw him. Mind if we steal him for a bit?”

You nod with a smile, carefully passing Joelseph over to Dina. The little one stirs for a moment, but settles back into a peaceful slumber in Dina’s arms. “He’s all yours.’

The room continues to buzz with giggles and Ellie, Dina, and JJ become a seamless part of the festivities. The kids eagerly show them their new toys, and soon, the kittens, Ginny and Joel join the playful parade.

As the day unfolds, the house becomes a vibrant canvas, painted with the hues of love and togetherness. Joel, now with Aurora on his shoulders, navigates through the lively crowd. You find a quiet moment with Ellie, who is holding Joelseph with a tender smile.

“He’s adorable,” Ellie remarks, her eyes filled with a mix of nostalgia and affection. “Feels like just yesterday you were dealing with my teenage antics.”

You laugh, remembering those not-so-distant days. “Time flies, doesn’t it? Now look at us, and you, with a little family of your own.”

Ellie glances around the room, the sparkle of the holiday lights reflecting in her eyes. “Couldn’t ask for a better way to spend Christmas. And look at Joel, still being the heart and soul of this chaos.”

You follow her gaze to Joel, who is now surrounded by a group of kids, listening intently to one of Jane and Jules’ stories. The love in his eyes is evident as he shares in their laughter and mischief.

Ellie looks back at you, a soft smile playing on her lips. “You both did an amazing job. I’m proud to be part of this.”

And in that moment, as the laughter and warmth of your family envelop you, you couldn’t agree more. This Christmas, with all its magic, has woven another chapter into the rich tapestry of your lives–a chapter filled with love, laughter, and the cherished moments that make your family truly extraordinary.

As the festivities continue, Ellie, still cradling Joelseph, couldn’t resist the opportunity to tease Joel. With a mischievous twinkle in her eye, she approaches Joel, who’s now attempting to disentangle himself from a knot of kids.

“Hey, old man,” Ellie quips, giving Joel a playful nudge. “You holding up okay with all these little rascals running around?”

Joel chuckles, a playful glint in his eyes. “Someone’s gotta keep ‘em in check. You’ll find out soon enough, Ellie. Parenthood’s no joke.”

Ellie raises an eyebrow, her gaze shifting to Joelseph. “You’re the expert now, huh? It took you guys long enough to figure out the secret recipe for a baby boy.”

Joel grumbles and feigns offense. “Well, it’s not like we had a manual.”

Ellie rolls her eyes. “Says the guy who needed a football team's worth of daughters before finally getting a son.”

You join in on the banter, giving Joel an amused smile. “Took a bit of trial and error, but look at our charming little Joelseph now.”

Ellie leans in, bouncing the baby gently in her arms. “Not bad for an old guy, huh, kiddo?” she cooed, earning a content gurgle from the baby.

As the day of joyful chaos begin to wind down, the once lively house now settles into a more serene atmosphere. The twinkling lights of the Christmas tree cast a gentle glow over the living room as the laughter of the children gradually transforms into quiet giggles and yawns.

You and Joel, tired but content, herd the kids upstairs for their bedtime routine. The kittens, Ginny and Joel, follow along, their playful antics slowing down as they, too, sensing the impending calm.

“Alright kiddos, time for bed.” Joel announces, his tone gentle but firm as he ushers the kids into their respective rooms.

The procession of bedtime rituals unfold–one by one, teeth are brushed, pajamas are put on, and stories are read. The younger ones nestle into their beds, eyelids growing heavy with the sweet fatigue of a day filled with excitement.

As you check on each child, offering goodnight kisses and tucking them in, Joel moves gracefully through the house, turning off the twinkling lights and closing curtains. The house seems to exhale, the echoes of joyous laughter replaced by the hushed whispers of bedtime.

In the quiet moments between putting the kids to bed, you found Joel in the hallway, sharing a look of satisfaction passing between you. The day had been a whirlwind of love and joy, and now the peaceful hush settles over the house like a comforting blanket.

“Another Christmas for the books,” Joel remarks, his voice low.

You nod, a smile playing on your lips. “And many more to come, I hope.”

The two of you continue the nightly routine, gently closing doors and ensuring the house was ready for the calm of night. The soft glow of the light spilling from your bedroom illuminates your path as you and Joel make your way into the room, where little Joelseph lay sleeping in his bassinet.

Joel pauses by the doorway, his eyes fondly watching the baby. “He’s been the best gift, hasn’t he?”

You nod, a warmth settling in your heart. “The best, indeed.”

The day had been a symphony of chaos and joy, a beautiful crescendo that had now found its resolution in the quietude of the evening. As you and Joel retire to your room, you can’t help but reflect on the blessings of family, love, and the precious moments that make Christmas truly magical.

tag list: @pertinentpostmortem @party-hearses @mandoisapunk @bastardmandenni @chaotic-mystery @beskarandblasters @amanitacowboy @littlegrungegirlaf @pedrodascal @sweetercalypso @ilovepedro @cool-iguana @alwaysmicado @lovers-liability @futuraa-free @morgaussy @pedritoferg @spookykoolkat @wethairjoel @chronically-ghosted @buckyispunk @pattwtf @morning-star-joy @elvinaa @tinycozycomfort @magpiepills @pr0ximamidnight @joelscurls @janaispunk @5oh5 @farmerlarrry @maximoff-forevermore @atinylittlepain @joeldjarin @spookyxsam @mrsmando @hyzer34 @limerence4u @sin-djarin @reddedmiller @joels-shitty-puns @elvinaa @kajashe @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin @vee-bees-blog @josephquinnswhore @worhols

lmk if you'd like to be removed from the tag list! 💜or let me know if you'd like to be added!

[angelsknifeprty]

streamer!ellie hcs ⋆⭒˚｡⋆

a/n: this is more focused on ellie and less on ellie x reader but i am for sure gonna follow this up with something else more focused on the both of you >:3

warnings | mentions of weed, the smallest hint towards struggling with eating if you squint

word count: 698

do not buy tlou | ways to help palestine | operation olive branch | keep eyes on sudan | haiti’s history | learn about congo

𐙚 ‧₊˚ ⋅

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ started off posting unlisted videos of her playing games with the stupidest, shittiest editing ever for you and her friends to watch and later decided to give streaming a try

‎ ‧₊˚౨ৎ starts off her twitch channel as a faceless streamer but does a face reveal when she hits a big milestone

‧₊˚౨ৎ has the creeper mini fridge for sure!!

‧₊˚౨ৎ has a ginger cat named garfield that she exclusively calls garfunkel on stream because her viewers made fun of her for garfield being too unoriginal

“guys, what do you mean it’s unoriginal, look at him. that’s literally garfield, the real deal. you’re all haters.”

‧₊˚౨ৎ plays a bunch of different games: minecraft obviously, fortnite, roblox (and argues with kids on there, you can’t tell me any different). also loves fnaf, elder scrolls and resident evil

‧₊˚౨ৎ more on her liking resident evil, i think she’s not super wimpy when it comes to games like that but she HATES the regenerators from the re4 remake (i’m totally not projecting…)

“i am NOT a wimp, but look at their freaky fucking arms!! and they have gross little butts too, that was not a necessary choice for the character design.”

‧₊˚౨ৎ she does find it funny when she kills them and they jiggle as they fall on the ground though

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ i’m throwing it in here that she smokes weed because i simply cannot help myself teehee :P

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ she does more chill streams of her eating n stuff as a way of comforting her viewers so they can eat along with her )):

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ and in turn chat always spams her with comments to drink water because that girl survives purely on energy drinks to combat her sleepy girl syndrome

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ abuses the soundboard so heavily, loves using a sound effect of an audience clapping and cheering when she tells the most painfully unfunny joke

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ she is ABSOLUTELY a jerma985 fan

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ loves putting her fans on blast and reacting to edits of her on stream and finds it so funny (especially the ones that have the reverb fart noise just randomly slapped in there, she thinks it’s peak humour)

“you guys think i don’t see this stuff? i have eyes everywhere. y’know what though, you guys are actually really talented.”

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ wears stupid t-shirts that say stuff like “i paused my game to be here” (omg i just found one that says “gamers make better lovers, they know all the right buttons” she would absolutely wear that)

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ she wears her silly t-shirts with pride and has the audacity to ask chat to rate how hard her fit goes

therealher0brine: BOOOOOO 🍅🍅🍅 0/10

elliebellie69: i beg that you don’t leave the house in that /lh  (╥﹏╥)

gnarpgnarp500: never beating the loser lesbian allegations i fear…

“guys you’re just not seeing the vision, sorry that you’re not this cool.”

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ oh my gosh she is OBSESSED with the little ikea alien, she has multiple of them in her room. she keeps one on her desk and when she sometimes doesn’t know what to say she’ll just hold it up super close to the camera and make incoherent high pitched babbling sounds

smelliams420: omg cancelled you can’t say that dude…

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ gets her viewers to send in clips and she’ll do high try not to laugh streams and fails miserably because she has the dumbest sense of humour ever. she’ll blame it entirely on the herb though as if her reaction wouldn’t be near enough the same when she’s sober

‧₊˚౨ৎ will occasionally play guitar on stream and she’ll sing too if you catch her in the right mood. she’s a bit awkward about it so it doesn’t happen often cuz she hates messing up and always makes a way bigger deal about it than necessary

“fuck- no wait, i was just messing with you. that fuck up was on purpose, shut up,” and her cheeks are flushed bright red as she tries to brush it off and compose herself before trying again

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ loves to get sidetracked and info dumps about stuff she is far too knowledgeable on

 ‧₊˚౨ৎ in conclusion, loser ellie supremacy

a/n: raghhh i love streamer els with my whole heart !!! i’m gonna eat her (˶˃⤙˂˶) anyways i hope you enjoyed, k bye mwah! >3< ♡

[massivemonsters-giantguts]

Hey, hey psst, you should talk about those trolls/pokemon/slimes you mentioned! Give Us Those Gals

Okay I put in a LOT of words to this because I’ve got a lot of girls but!

I’ve got a big blabbing blurb about characters from each of those groups underneath this so! I hope y’all enjoy

Gladia Entren!

Gladia Entren is my obligatory big bod purpleblood lady! She’s trying to put the whole “murderous clown” thing behind her, and is just trying to prove that she’s NOT a big scary clown lady who might eat you. Which, uh, no! She totally has not eaten anyone don’t worry <:0).

She’s around 13’08” tall, she’s looks round and soft and she IS but she’s also built like a shit brickhouse so Gladia comes off as looking a bit comically round when she’s covering up but she could 1000% pick you and the couch you’re sitting on up with ease. She’s very snuggable all in all, but the fact that she’s got practically got tusks and fangs with how her teeth stick out tends to make her look more intimidating.

She’s also rather accident prone at times to the point where it’s kind of slapstick-y. Like, bonking her head when she’s trying to move around, having trouble squeezing through doors, sometimes tripping onto people and burying them in clown blubber… it’s kinda rough for her.

Still, Gladia loves people and especially loves when folks laugh at her jokes and the silly but heartfelt things that she does. She’s the best clown mom friend you could ask for!

I’m working on her typing quirk, Classpect, sign, etc. still but hopefully she’ll! Be a good enough big honking bud once I’m done with her

Blorp the Goodra

She’s my large, heavy goodra lady! A bit spoiled from when she’s was just a silly Sliggoo gal who couldn’t see too well and kept nearly eating everything that was edible (which is a lot when you’re a slime dragon), all that weight and pampering carried on over to her Goodra state! Now she’s this big, pushy slimy dragon woman who doesn’t tend to realize that “no means no” and oozes or brute forces her way into getting what she wants, because it’s hard to fight a cute pseudo-legendary gal!

She’s about 7’07 (usually), she’s kinda stacked all over with her fat gut being very very prominent and she’s a pretty cheerful gal most of the time! The only problem is that, like I said, she’s also the type of gal who’ll take things from you without asking and leave you covered in slime once she’s done with you. She might ALSO get a bit vorny and voracious at times; but it’s nothing to worry about! As long as you can feed her that is…

If you ever met Blorp, just be prepared to get gooed and to give up your valuables/food to the big fat slime dragon lady.

(Also if she ever decided she wants to “keep” you, be prepared to get smothered in love and stuffed silly.

Unnamed DJ slime girl!

She has no name yet! But the idea of her popped into my head while I was talking about my buddy with slimes. She’s got a pearish shape, she’s kinda chonky with a big gut and huge thighs to support her, but that’s because she’s got all her music gear inside of her!

Her whole deal is that since sound would probably carry out interestingly from someone who’s not exactly a full liquid/full solid, and because the vibrations would send her jiggling in interesting ways. As such, she’s got a big fancy speaker lodged inside her fat gut and two others in her tits with thighs big enough to help her carry all her gear— she’s quite literally “all about that bass” as one would say!

She’s also super excited and hyped about music and doing her job in general, but it comes off a bit odd sometimes since she’s not great at emoting at times. She’s got a that sorta “half lidded, kinda always tired” look to her gooey face that tends to put people off but she’s as passionate about music ‘n dj-ing as I am monsters and ocs! She’s also cool as hell and even has some fancy LEDs sprung throughout her body to help emphasize moods and make parties hype!

Overall she’s just this big slimy goo-woman who loves music with all her being, even if her “resting bitch face” doesn’t properly show off her hype all the time.

[oops-aquarius]

NSFW Alphabet: Dacre Montgomery

warnings: pure smut, duh.

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

dacre always makes sure you are as comfortable as possible. if he was rough on you, he would rub the red marks on your ass and whisper sweet nothings in your ear as he spooned you. making sure you always fall asleep first.

B = Body part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

his favorite body part of himself is his abs. since he used to get bullied for his stomach. it makes him feel more worthy of being loved. it always irked him, the difference between the way people viewed and treated him when he lost the weight. so he likes being treated well by strangers. 

his favorite body part of his partner’s is their boobs. he cant get enough of how they bounce when you ride him. your cleavage never fails to turn him on. he loves to just rest his hands on them when you two are cuddling in bed. 

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

he lovessssss cumming inside of you, but only if your on birth control. if you aren’t he loves to cum in your mouth and watch the excess dribble down the corners of your mouth as you swallow his seed.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

dacre once jacked off to your sleeping body, in bed, right next to you. it was the morning after and your beautiful, naked body wasn’t helping his morning wood. but you looked so peaceful, deep in sleep, he didn’t want to wake you. so he just jacked off next to you. you never knew it happened and woke up to him fast asleep, head nuzzled into your shoulder.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

dacre is so fucking attractive and so obviously almost every girl he’s ever met has thrown themselves at him, and before you, he let them. so definitely has a bunch of tricks up his sleeves on how to pleasure you just right

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

DOGGY MOTHERFUCKING STYLE. he just adores fucking oyu from behind and watching your ass jiggle with every thrust. and it gives him easy access to slap your ass when you are bratty :0

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

9 times out of 10 it is serious. most days sex is some sort of stress relief or somehow rooted in jealously. but sometimes, if it’s in a silly spot or dacre is in his mullet, he cant help but make stupid jokes and giggle under his breath.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

i feel like dacre is pretty clean shaven. he doesn't really like any hair down there, he always jokes about how it makes him more agile. in reality, he just thinks it looks better. he also might have a little happy trail, just cuz.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

it’s always some form of intimate. holding hands while you ride him, placing his forehead on yours while he fucks you missionary, etc.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

he only jacks off when he’s gone in australia visiting family or in atlanta filming or in new york for a press tour or any other time either of you happen to be travelling (without one another). he never jacks off to anyone but you. he has a hidden collection in his phone of photos and videos of you he masturbates to. he goes at the same speed your hand is fucking yourself in the video and he always tries to cum at the same time as you do in the video.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

orgasm control/denial. this also plays into his huge ass daddy kink. he likes to see you writhe on his cock as you beg him to let you cum. 

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

dacre’s favorite place to fuck is you is on the balcony, overlooking your pool and nice backyard of the house you bought with him. he likes the thrill of a neighbor possibly seeing you two in action.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

lingerie turns him on to the max. he loves you watch your breasts bounce in a pretty, lacy bra as he is fucking you with your pretty panties pushed to the side.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

he would NEVER do anything he wasn't 100% sure you were okay with. he always made sure you were as comfortable as possible in any given situation.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

he loves both, but he is always down to be on the receiving end. he just loves to have your mouth around his hard cock. you do this thing with your tongue and every time, billy feels like he’s ascending into heaven. he swears every time that he blacks out for second because of pleasure. but he also needs to have his lips sucking on your clit. 

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

it’s usually rough and fast. loving the feeling of his cock pounding in and out of you, while you scream his name.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

meh. doesn't mind the occasional quickie, but he prefers proper sex in his own space.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

like i said, he doesn't love the public setting, but he’ll fuck you all around the house. he loves to experiment with new kinks or positions.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

he can last 2-10 rounds. it all depends on the situation.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

he owns it all: dildos, ropes, vibrators, cock-rings, etc. but he swears they’re all for his partner, but he definitely vibes his thick cock when he’s alone. he loves to stick a dildo in your ass while he fucks you. or he leaves you tied up with a vibrator pressed hard against you clit as he gets himself off at the sight.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

dacre is an unfair cunt. he loves to tease and edge you. he loves when you squirm from all the teasing he’s doing.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

he isn't super loud if he’s dom, only letting out grunts and the occasional whimper. when he’s in a sub space? he doesn't care who hears him, he moans and whimpers and grunts and screams and makes so many damn noises. either way he’s always praising/degrading you. “you feel so fucking good princess.” or “you gonna cum on daddy’s cock? good girl.” or “god, you’re such a needy cumslut.” 

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

P E G G I N G  K I N K. he lovesssss to be dominated and call you his mistress and serve you. ofc he’s too much of a baby to admit it to you.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

9 and a half inches...he big big

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

with you? it never stops. this man is horny for you 25/8.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

he always waits for you to fall asleep. there have been a few slip-ups, on paticularly rough nights, where he falls asleep almost instantly. and you cant help but giggle because of how adorable your baby is. 

[courage-a-word-of-justice]

Fate/Stay Night: Unlimited Blade Works 1 - 25 (FINAL) | Waver OVA

Much like the Fate/Zero post, this is mostly a set of notes which has already been released and is preserved here because of the difference editing makes. There was one completely insensitive, uninformed note and a note which I was writing down to be “more in character” which I’ve removed in all instances of the notes, though - it’s better you not know what was being said there. 

F/SN UBW 1 (Prologue)

Now that’s the Rin I know from fandom whispers.

Turns out this is ep. 0 and there’s actually 12 eps…

This brunette reminds me of Maiya.

This wavy haired guy’s a Matou? Geesh, he somehow reminds me of the Great B*stard Archer.

Miss Fujimura’s a bit of a non-sequitur…

If I remember the fan whispers right, his name is Issei Hyoudou…? (Or is that the High School DxD guy?) Update: Issei Hyoudou is the High School DxD guy, this is Issei Ryuudou.

If people die when they are killed, then machines should, too.

I already know from checking up previous info that UBW is for the 5th Holy Grail War and Shiro Emiya is part of it.

The button says “voicemail”…well, it’s actually rusu, where rusuban denwa = answering machine (denwa = phone, so rusu means something like “protecting the house (while you’re gone)”). The best way to translate it would be “voicemail” though.

Fuyuki  Church (Kyoukai)? Rin has them on her voicemail???

I seem to remembr reading that this white-haired character is an alternate universe Shiro Emiya…but I guess we’ll find out later, huh?

Hmm…I’ve seen this Command Seal before. I think it might be Dewbond’s profile pic, in fact…which tells me that he likes Rin.

The compulsion the guy is talking about reminds me of Steph from NGNL and how she was forced to fall in love with Sora.

Rin’s treating this like a gacha game…LOL.

Pride vs. pride, huh? Anyways, I think the really entertaining thing of putting me under the pump like this is that I have such an incomplete understanding of how the Fate/ universe works that the outcomes of everything create enough entertainment for those who’ve committed to said universe. The things that I do know might be really late-game though – such as the white-haired Servant being an alternate Shiro – so I have my own surprises to confirm.

“The Archer class really is made up of archers!” - …and people die if they are killed, y’know? (<- I know this from the memes. I won’t cover Deen/Stay Night, people don’t normally recommend it.)

Why is a cup omnipotent, anyway? Cups don’t have the ability to have knowledge. By the way, I bet Rin’s acquaintance will have something to do with this.

Rin’s Holy Grail War work reminds me of my own experience with piano. Basically, I grew up doing it, so I never questioned it until I thought about what I really wanted to do. I expect Rin will be the same way.

Hmm…Sakura and…the Great B*stard?

Rin says all of this about “crude garbage”, so all I can focus on is the bin off to the side…LOL.

Oooooooh…so this appearance of Sakura is why people put F/Z before this.

Saber…the reason she’s so popular is because she appears in so many incarnations of Fate/ that she’s basically become a poster girl for it.

F/SN UBW 2

There’s something that pisses me off about Sakura. It’s probably because she’s fairly submissive, like a girl who was written to be a guy’s fantasy.

The OP and ED was subbed the first time, so the fact this isn’t is interesting.

I think I’ve seen these scenes before…probably because they look exactly like the setup for Today’s Menu for Emiya Family.

Hypoxia.

Sakura’s boobs jiggled…urgh…

This episode feels a lot more like a VN intro.

Some of these scenes were from a different perspective in the prologue, so I’ll try to skip them.

Stove = heater, if you didn’t catch on.

Oh hey, Emiya isn’t part of the archery club anymore…but there’s some evidence that an alternate Emiya became that Archer Rin has.

That’s Ilya, isn’t it…?

Emiya’s magic incompetence reminds me of Waver.

Shinji is Sakura’s older bro??? I never heard of this…? Step-bro, maybe?

I read one of the labels on the machine – makanai setto – and turns out it’s a [meal] set for staff (teachers).

This series’s messages are like anvils…even more so than F/Z.

Where does Emiya work…? (For some reason, I call Kiritsugu that but Shirou “Emiya”.)

Archer’s not in white…not that much, anyway.

“…I really nearly was killed.” – Yes, and people die when they are killed, Emiya. You said so yourself in Deen/Stay Night.

I know this iconic scene where Emiya stares at Saber! I’ve seen it in all the screenshots and everything.

F/SN UBW 3

The blindfolded woman in the OP is apparently Medea. I think I mentioned her offhandedly in one of the WP posts I did, so I didn’t expect to see her so soon.

Most of this ep is explaining this stuff to beginners. I can skip that.

I don’t get the appeal of Rin, but then again, I’m neutral at best on tsunderes.

Shoten Books? Like, Bookseller Books? How redundant…

“[G]enuine fake priest” - …LOL wut?

Why is Kirei giving me Equilibrium vibes…? Oh, it’s because he has silly hair that reminds me of Christian Bale. That’s why.

Most of this episode was recap from F/Z, so I skipped it.

F/SN UBW 4

I’m laughing – this new Berserker reminds me of Tsukasa (Dr Stone).

Ah, same old Gilgamesh. He’s just in different clothes.

Kiritsugu felt like he actually was a character. Emiya? Just a blank slate, really.

Welp, that was over fast…

F/SN UBW 5

I’m getting sick of Rin’s tsundereness, fast.

Okay, crash course in types of Servants. I needed this.

*Saber reveals the outfit is from Rin* - Ooh, Shiro, don’t go judgin’ Rin like that…

Oh-hoh, Sakura does archery, huh?

I bet Kuzuki actually is a mage. That’s how these things always turn out, no?

Actually, I think Emiya might be a better match for my piano experience. There’s this one person who played at a higher level of piano than I did, but they kept telling me that I was way better than them at piano (although I don’t know if that was self-deprecation and/or inflating my ego). As I mentioned in my relation to Rin, I forcibly cut it out of my life because my parents chose it for me – in short, no desire to hit the target, in one way of speaking.

I can see why Fate/ needed a cooking spinoff now…LOL.

Shinto = New City, with a particular combo of kanji.

Are these Touken Ranbu enemies, Rin…? (They’re called Historical Revisionists, technically, and I specifically refer to enemy wakizashi.)

I seem to remember from somewhere Sakura is Caster’s master…hmm. Another thing to confirm.

F/SN UBW 6

That Rin reaction face! I’ve seen it before!

LOL, that “I haven’t been sleeping lately” is relatable.

Medea is one of the only Servants that was originally a woman, so…it’s interesting to see she’s been given a chain as a method to keep up (but also vaguely annoying to see her have such a short skirt). A chain weapon seems to be the sort of weapon for an agile user, with possible sexual overtones (if you want to interpret it that way), so it seems like it came straight from a male fantasy of a woman.

Rin is the sort that places a lot of stock into obligations, I see.

F/SN UBW 7

I learnt how to read the word “mirage” in Japanese somewhat recently (in comparison to the basics, which I learnt through a CD-ROM maybe…15 or so years ago?). It’s shinkirou.

I find it interesting that these eps. are marked as Fate/Stay Night and the series is Fate/Stay Night UBW, because Deen/Stay Night (as I’ve been referring to the Deen version of F/SN) looks pretty different to Ufotable’s F/SN, judging by that “People die when they are killed” meme.

The subbers spelt “specialty” wrong…

Well, Emiya, being in a room with a girl…alone…you really are a typical VN lead, aren’t you?

LOL! I knew Kojiro was also part of this series and I think I knew he was an Assassin, but s***! He’s an absolute looker!

…and *sigh* Caster is using her sensuality against men. A regular Fujiko Mine, she is.

I think my heart did something when Archer gave that intense stare at Caster, too. This is no time for a reverse harem!

F/SN UBW 8

Ahh! Kojiro Sasaki’s (this Assassin’s) so hot! I love it!

The only person who can beat Saber is another swordsperson, huh? Logic checks out.

That blue ring looks like the one at the start of Shinchou Yuusha’s OP.

F/SN UBW 9

I thought Shinji was gonna barf, but that was actually laughing…that’s what happens when you don’t have the volume on.

This replacement Gilgamesh (Shinji) sucks…

Just squinting at Caster’s chest…boobs do not work that way, people. Fabric goes over things like that, it doesn’t tuck itself so neatly around them.

I think Rin’s a real idiot for ignoring that Shinji is a Master and a mage…

I almost thought Shiro was gonna kiss Sakura for a second there. Apparently you should approach an unconscious person from behind and tap them on the shoulder (as opposed to going from the front to listen for breath), in case they try to punch your lights out.

Watching Eizouken, which doesn’t have girly runs for the girls, and then watching this makes you aware even Rin is capable of girly running…(LOL?)

Gee whiz, I was so sure this purple lady with the whip was Medea and a Caster-class Servant. So she’s a Rider??? Update: So it was Caster, masquerading as Rider…is that how it goes…?

So is this a locked-room – or locked-school – mystery…?

F/SN UBW 10

This is basically “You wanna go?” from Saber.

Considering the coronavirus, these words (about people getting out of the attack completely healthy) seem sort of weird…

Samosan? Seppa seppa? What dialect is this???

*Emiya asks Issei to strip* - Ooh…this is why Fate is popular with women…*thinks of the fact this was a male-oriented VN first* Maybe.

I still think the Great B*stard kinda looks like Kyo from Fruits Basket (…not that I ever mentioned it earlier).

I just realised Taiga’s shirt is striped orange/black…like a tiger.

The amount of still frames in this episode, in comparison to the usual number, is significantly higher.

F/SN UBW 11

I just realised Kinoko Nasu means “mushroom” and “eggplant” if not exactly written the way it is…what a name…

*something about being useful to others* - U-Uwaaaaah…Emiya! Stop reminding me of all the things I’ve done at the cost of myself!

Hmm? I googled Rin’s birthday and I thought she was a Leo – she’s an Aquarius (Feb. 3rd).

Rin absolutely steamrolled Emiya, LOL.

I get the feeling Archer is saying “Only you can save yourself”.

F/SN UBW 12

Randomly, there is a Volkswagen.

*something about Emiya photosynsthesising* - Rin, that’s not how people work…

Batting centre? How can girls go there in skirts without flashing anyone? That’s taking into consideration how short Rin’s skirt is, y’know…(Practicality comes first at all times, people…well, not for Saber, who’s wearing stockings, but I worry about Rin, as you can see.)

People find blushing tsunderes cute…I kinda get it for male tsunderes, but for Rin…not really.

Ack! Another double episode!

Why does this ominous vibe on a bus remind me of Harry Potter…? (Then again, the first things I remember of the movies were a shrunken head and a bus that could squeeze through gaps, which might explain things.)

Hmm? So what is Kuzuki’s place in Caster’s life, huh? Who’s controlling the puppet?

Come to think of it, who is Assassin’s real Master? If Caster has control of him, that means he belonged to someone else before that, right?

I feel sorry for Assassin. I mean, he has to keep talking to Caster with his body torn open like that…

“Princess of Colchis” – So Caster is Medea! Maybe Scott (who said I was wrong about that) was thinking I was referring to Rider. Rider and Caster do look awfully similar…but wait, so what was the real identity of Rider, then? Update: Reading over the notes, I was mistakenly referring to Rider as Caster, hence the comment.

Wolverine!Kirei strikes again, it seems.

Lel, I forgot about Lancer…and Berserker, now that I think of it.

F/SN UBW 13

So this is Brave Shine, huh? It doesn’t sound familiar at all…

…aaaaaaaaand of course Saber is in a fancy white dress. It’ll sell a lot of figures – in fact, I think I’ve actually seen Saber figures with that outfit while browsing for Nendoroids and other merch as of late.

F/SN UBW 14

Well, this blonde guy’s hair is nice…but he’s basically Shou Tucker all over again. (I haven’t even completed Fullmetal Alchemist in any form – I just know what the guy did because the fans talk about it a lot.)

Gosh, evil begets nothing but more evil, huh? (re: Kirei and blondie here)

I gotta facepalm - this blonde dude really shouldn’t have maltreated Medea. She has a reputation for a reason.

It took me a few tries and the brightening of my screen to figure it out, but Caster spotted Kuzuki.

Gilgamesh, what the f*** did you do to those poor maids?! (Even if they were homunculi…)

The subbers appear to have spelt “homunculus” slightly wrong…

F/SN UBW 15

“Going through the front door would be a bad idea.” – Yeah, and people die when they are killed.

I really respect Illya now…and can see why she got her own spinoff.

This snowy mountain makes me realise exactly why they chose Ufotable for Demon Slayer.

F/SN UBW 16

I was wondering what Gilgamesh had torn out of Illya…ew.

I was watching Shazam the other day and a piece of advice the titular superhero gives is “Look out for number one.” (i.e. yourself) Rin has much the same mentality.

I seriously facepalmed when they tried to protect each other. One person should learn to stand down in the relationship for that to work.

Hmm…so this means Lancer’s Master is male, huh? (Why is that Master still a mystery anyway…?)

I facepalmed the third time (the second was soon after the first) when Emiya thought he could seriously protect Rin from Lancer. Knowing who Lancer’s Master is a much bigger priority right now, man – this isn’t a romcom!

I like Lancer’s sideways gaze, LOL.

*Archer comes in* - Well, hasn’t it been a while since we saw this guy? (voice drips with sarcasm)

“druther” – Hmm? I’ve never heard of this word before. Apparently, it means (when used as “If I had my druthers…”) “If I had my way…”.

Hmm? What’s this? There are two pendants instead of one…?

F/SN UBW 17

There’s a lot of shots centring around Lancer’s butt…LOL. (Or is that just the female gaze I’m forcing on to this?) Even still, because Lancer has an outfit like that, it’s kinda hard not to see that he does have a fine one.

“You have a lack of pride in your sword skills.” – Uhhhhhhh…I guess that’s why he’s Archer…?

I never seem to know who the Lancers are…geesh. Like, I could pick one from a crowd of Servants, but not their real names. Update: As it turns out, Karna (the one Indian Servant I had my eye on from Apocrypha) is a Lancer in Fate/Grand Order.

Apparently, Gungnir is the spear of Odin.

Kuzuki is a Master…of the Naruto run. (LOL)

Noting “sieben” and stuff, I think Rin’s magic is German in nature.

Why does Medea have elven ears, anyway…?

F/SN UBW 18

The subs suddenly turned yellow! What the heck?! (Prior to this, subs were white.) Update: Come to think of it, only Aniplex shows have yellow subs, while Funimation ones have white subs (although HiDive let you choose between white and black, the standard is white on the hardsubs). This might mean a switchover between who’s responsible for the show happened while this anime was airing.

“…within your grasp?”

Ooh, this I didn’t expect! Saber joined forces with Rin!

“…your wish was a mistake.”

*Shiro fights swords with more swords* - For some reason, I feel like I need to play some Daft Punk right now. (I don’t even like them as an artist, even though I’m meant to be the EDM expert around here…)

This all but confirms Archer is actually a Shiro Emiya from a distant future.

I just imagined an Archer whose body was made of swords. What a compelling image – a literal human weapon.

Those hand gestures…Shinji is a massive creep.

Huh? I’ve been skipping the post-credits segments for previous episodes because I’m binging, but there’s a post-credits segment here…

Hmm…this next-ep preview had a rook (or a king? I’m no good at identifying chess pieces by their appearance) with a red glowing symbol on it facing what appeared to be the symbol of the Saber class. What an interesting representation of the upcoming inevitable faceoff.

F/SN UBW 19

Wouldn’t it not make sense for future!Shirou to kill present!Shirou? I mean, you know the time travel paradox…if you kill the present guy, the future guy doesn’t exist.

“Sorry about that, punk.” – LOL. Lancer’s great.

Hey, wasn’t Kirei dea-oh right. In fiction, when there is no corpse, you can’t have assumed the character died. They probably skedaddled off somewhere, heavily bleeding and/or on the edge of death…and I’m assuming that was how Kirei got out of his scuffle too.

All this talk about ideals makes me wanna play Odd Future for some reason, LOL. (Well, the first line of that song is “I keep my ideals”, no?)

“…it is you who is disobeying orders.”

A eunuch, huh? Rin, you do know that a eunuch has his *erhem erhem* cut off…right?

Okay, people. Why must women be the source of the Holy Grail? This is only the 2nd time I’ve gotten to this point and you’ve got enough men to fuel the Grail instead. Why not use them??? Update: It’s safe to say I get my wish later.

“You’ve been removed from the bounds of time.” Subbers, I know you’re under pressure to produce subs, but please proofread…? Pretty please? Update: I should proofread too. My E key is a bit dodgy at the moment.

I predicted, a few seconds before it appeared on my screen, that Shirou wasn’t the type to do things he regretted. Yyyyyyyyyyup. That’s Shirou, alright.

F/SN UBW 20

Okayyyyyy. That was not an episode title that needed to be subbed.

Oh, gosh. Can you please just knee Shinji where it hurts, Rin…? I know you’re being choked, but you could still do something lik that.

…(lol)…What the heck, Shinji’s such a self-preserving prick!

So how many times did Lancer actually die and how many times was he faking it out?

“Dying because of some order that comes with being a hero.”

So who’s Gilgamesh’s Master now…?

Hmm…I thought by saving Rin and Saber, Shirou was already a hero. Maybe it’s just a perception thing.

H-Hey, Shirou…you keep saying redundant things…

F/SN UBW 21

Why is Saber just standing there, anyway…? (Well, Shirou did say it was his fight, but…she can do something…)

Okay, whose idea was it to cut after “However…”?! That’s terrible pacing.

This series peaked quite a few episodes ago. Now it’s just stretching for time.

Um, hey. Random question. Didn’t King Arthur draw Excalibur from the sword in the stone? Is that a stone or a tree stump? It’s hard to tell since the zoom quality is funny, but…if it’s a tree stump, someone got a crucial detail wrong. Update: Nup, it’s a stone. Forget I told you.

Having sacrificed myself for over a year for other people’s sake, I can’t say I agree that giving yourself up for others is a beautiful thing. This is speaking as someone who volunteers at a not-for-profit (the charity store). In fact, having thought long and hard about the fact I’ve completely gone down the wrong path from having taken this one opportunity I was given (note I did get rejected from a similar place before I got the position I did), I’ve thought, occasionally, that sort of thing is disgusting.

Did the Great B*stard even age 10 years while waiting for this new war…?

“…left off 10 years ago.”

Uh-oh. I don’t like Shinji – you can clearly tell that from the way I’ve been reacting to him – but there’s no way you’d use him as a Grail vessel…right?

F/SN UBW 22

If I understand the pink box correctly, it says kayumino-ru which is…*checks that up* itch cream(?) Another of the boxes says either iburon or ipuron, but it seems to be some kind of medicine (although I can’t figure out what it does).

“…flashy gold jerk…” – Yup, that’s why he’s the Great B*stard. The most narcisstic of all b*stards –so narcisstic he survived a Holy Grail War without being the victor.

Lemme guess, Rin…if I know my visual novels right, then the way to establish the mana link is either kissing or sexual intercourse, right? Update: Oh well, transplantation of a Magic Crest will work too. With the way Rin was reacting, I thought it was gonna be really intimate, but…nup. It’s just them taking off their shirts for one another…*whistles and pretends to walk away*

The reason I don’t like tsunderes is that whenever they want to be romantic, you can’t tell whether they’re giving mixed signals or not. Then again, you could argue I count as one, so…uh…*sweatdrop*

Shirou, why are you so concerned for the pillow?!

F/SN UBW 23

You can barely recognise the guy (Shinji)…huh.

H-Hey? You couldn’t mean Assassin’s back, right? Update: Y-Yep, that’s Assassin, alright. At least I can gaze upon his handsome face again…(lol) (<- If you’re wondering, there’s a difference between “lol” (or “small LOL”), “lel” and “LOL”. That’s the order they’re meant to be in, going from smallest to biggest laugh.)

Had to check Wikipedia, but Monohoshizao is the pole (?) wielded by Kojiro Sasaki…well, the correct term is nodachi (which I know better as ootachi from Touken Ranbu), but it’s referred to as a pole. To add something interesting to that, the ootachi I like the most (my beloved Taroutachi) is said to be 221 cm (throwing that into a converter, about 7.25 feet) and 4.5 kg (converting again, about 9.92 pounds)...which is basically something no human should be able to use, so if the pole is anything like Taroutachi...I have immense respect for this Assassin as well.

Assassin’s treatment here reminds me of Tora from Juuni Taisen…in a sense, they got what they wanted.

F/SN UBW 24

Cue the law of equivalent exchange from Fullmetal Alchemist, hahaha.

How can you be so sure you’ll beat the Great B*stard, Shirou???

Well, that Grail’s Holey, alright…(I bet you’re groaning at my joke, yes?)

I thought Archer was dead?! How did he fling a weapon at the last moment?!

Archer, you’re disappearing! This is no time for monologuing!

Why do I get the feeling I’ve seen Rin give the thumbs-up before as well…?

F/SN UBW 25 (FINAL)

Eyyyyyy? London…? Update: Oh, it’s the Clock Tower! That OVA is starting to make sense now! (Although I will watch it next, so there’s no need to muse over it.)

Tohsaka without pigtails is…weird.

Sherou (?)

Oh, romantic infighting (voice dripping in sarcasm)…That’s not what I’m here for. This is not a harem.

Ponytail Rin. This just gets weirder and weirder. Also, she kinda looks like Ishtar from Babylonia like that.

Tiny Pigtail Rin…it gets even weirder.

*yells* See?! It is London after all!!!

Update: Prior to this point, I had Silhouettes (by Avicii) playing in my head on occasion, notably when Archer was meeting his end. When Shirou came face-to-face with Saber’s grave, it switched to So Amazing by Luther Vandross. Although I normally don’t mention what I have on my mental playlist in notes like these, I just want to make note of that because it reflects the switch in mood. (Also, this is basically an extended transition into El-Melloi’s Case Files.)

Hmph. Yeah, nothing like hindsight to make something huge look small.

Sakura and Shinji’s relationship…it reminds me of a grumpy old man and his young daughter…(LOL?)

Ryudou’s reaction to romance reminds me of Tenya (from BnHA) in his more crazy moments.

All this talk about the Clock Tower is making me think that older!Waver will show up at any moment now…

…wa-hey? Well, *spits out some held-back laughter* whaddaya know? That’s the older Waver right there!

Ufotable’s older!Waver and Troyca’s older!Waver look fairly different. Ufotable’s isn’t as attractive because his hair has an artificial sheen to it and the man’s face looks more like a snake’s head in shape, so he looks a bit dumb. Update: Certainly Troyca’s Waver has a more egg-shaped head, but at least that makes his hair look nicer, no?

Post-credits segment. Keep watching.

Huh…that segment wasn’t very substantial. Maybe Hoshiai no Sora spoilt me on that front.  

Waver OVA (REWATCH)

*yells* I still think Flat Escardos is a terrible name!

LOL, I think Waver just called out a bunch of political writers right there.

So who are these old people??? (Lennon Glasses and Old Lady here) I still don’t know. Update: You do find out later – Inorai is the old lady and Rocco is the old man.

Okay, so apparently the set of characters used for “Rail Zeppelin” is literally translated to Demon Eyes Collection Train...sounds like something out of Demon Slayer.

If Kayneth is the OG Lord and this Reines girl is the new one, how did Waver become gen. 2? *rewinds a little* She’s el-Melloi Archisorte, meaning that somehow she and Kayneth are blood-related (also note Monkey D Luffy = Luffy is his first name and Monkey is the last name with D being a middle initial, so Reines could have her names around the wrong way as well). Still doesn’t answer the Waver part of the question, though. Update: The character page of the official website says Reines is the rightful heir to the name “Lord (Lady?) El-Melloi”, but she appointed Waver to be the Lord while she waited to become of age and take the position.  

As you know, I gotta question the guy’s (Waver) age. In Fate/Zero he was 19 and he looks much the same ten years later, so his approximate age range is 19 – 29 here. Wikipedia (which I linked earlier) says the anime this OVA is attached to occurs between the Grail Wars, meaning I might not be able to get an exact age. Update: “[A]lmost 10 years”, so I’d wager he’s on the back end of the age range (24 – 29).

Ooh, another good boy (Bram). I forgot he existed…and that’s kinda nasty that he’s got the bloodline of Sola-Ui in him. Update: Oh! Younger sister! That is nasty!

The word shisho (師匠), if I’m guessing the right characters, means “instructor” (or “teacher” if you wanna bend it that way). “Sir” is Waver’s title…I’m guessing that translatio choice is because he’s not a professor in title, assuming professor titles in this are given like they are in real life.

There’s something quite cute about Waver making such an indignant face…then again, he does have permanent worry lines on his face, so maybe not.

Like, whose bright idea was it to crush on the loli? Ravioli, ravioli, don’t crush on the loli! (Then again, I’m probaby worse, chasing after older men…)

Come to think of it, Ufotable is good at action motion (see exhibit A: Demon Slayer), but not free-flowing comedic motion like Waver falling over like this. That’s probably why the show jumped studios to Troyca (aside from divvying up the work of the Fate/ universe – Ei Aoki did F/Z, after all, so it makes sense he’d have some ability to take dibs on whatever works best for his studio…although he wasn’t too involved with this, I don’t think). Update: He was supervisor and storyboarder for this OVA.

Waver: Official butt monkey of the Clock Tower. Calling it now.

Troyca animates F/Z (however briefly)…I must say, they did a good job imitating Ufotable.

All I really remember from the first time around is the car chase, which really shows my priorities in anime…heh heh.

Troyca’s CGI is more noticeable than Ufotable’s, but they’re still on of the best studios for CGI, I think. That’s why they’re on my favourites list over Ufotable (since Ufotable, by general consensus, does better work but I think it looks more artificial in parts – case in point, Waver’s hair).

Setting up a mystery, like all stories, is very much about setting up the boundaries that you’re allowed to play in later. The only thing is that mysteries get more stringently judged for logic.

Hey, whaddaya know? Waver can fit Rider’s old shirt now! (Or maybe it’s the smaller version Waver implied was given to him during F/Z.)

“[W]hydunit” (in English) – LOL? There’s “whodunit”, but not “whydunit” – stick to “motive” or “modus operandi”, people.

[leefelixs]

boyfriend bang chan • stray kids

genre: fluff

pairing: bang chan & you

word count: 1887 words

summary: dating chan and all the quirks/aspects of your relationship

note(s): this is my first time doing a scenario like this so i am super excited!! this will be in bullet point format. this is the first part of my boyfriend series for stray kids! starting with our cute leader is only appropriate, i hope you enjoy! <3

you met chan during the summer on the bus you took everyday to your favorite coffee shop

the moment you had stepped on and trudged on through the adults and exhausted students a tuft of grey hair had stood out to you

he sat the aisle across from two boys and the seat next to the window was empty

you had never seen them before but were extremely thankful to the fact they hadn’t taken up your spot and settled into the back, even if they were kinda cute

especially the boy with the slightly damaged grey hair

you weren’t the type of person to be nosy but every single day you stepped onto that bus in a glum mood their conversations and bright personalities seemed to cheer you right up

you looked forward to it and eventually from so much eavesdropping you discovered their names

the boy who usually had a hat on was jisung, another boy who usually had a beanie or mask was changbin, and cute dimple grey boy was chan

you specifically liked to listen to chan talk

one day you stumble into the bus a little later than usual after waking up late and make it a minute before it departs

as you drag yourself to your seat you notice a little elderly lady comfortably sitting with her bag on the seat next to her

your heart sinks as you realize you have no courage to ask her to move her bag

the bus is full of everyone in their usual spots

except…oh no

the only empty seat is next to chan

you look around praying for a new empty seat to magically appear and it seems your luck is especially bad on that day

you conform to standing and holding onto a rail and as you look around nervously

you meet his eyes as you look around and panic

they’re looking at you with the utmost concern that you nearly melt

wow his eyes are so pretty?

“uhm, excuse me, the seat next to me is empty if you’d like to sit.”

changbin and jisung are shocked as chan gestures next to him with a shy smile

you almost faint as you take wobbly steps next to him, bowing about 500 times

“thank you so much”

HOO BOY MAYBE IT’S THE BUS COMING TO A SCARY HALT BUT EVERYTHING AROUND IS SPINNING AS HE SMILES AT YOU

“it’s no problem”

you notice the trio is a lot more hush and awkward than usual and feel a little guilty

until chan turns around and tries to start a conversation

he’s genuinely interested in what you have to say in response to his questions and smiles a lot

his dimples are so cute up close

you find out the three boys started coming on the bus as they purchased their own recording studio

they created their own rap group called 3racha on soundcloud and became extremely successful as a result

at the end of the ride all three of them say goodbye to you and nudge chan 

he just turns the brightest shade of red

he’s stuttering and scratching his neck,, it’s so cute

“well, i hope to see you tomorrow bus buddy!”

oh boy are your cheeks heating up quick as you hear changbin stifle a wheeze and poor chan is living in pure regret in that moment

jisung is like “no please ignore changbin” and trying to let you both live but it’s too late

and it all kicks off from there

for the next six months you both get to know each other better through slowly exchanging numbers, hanging out all the time, from visiting the three while they record, and eventually forming a strong bond with all of them

and getting an even stronger crush on the bang byungchan ooo

and on the seventh month of knowing each other when you get onto the bus there’s a little rose on your usual seat

jisung and changbin are whistling and pretending to not be spying on both of you

boy they suck at not being obvious

and chan is looking at the floor and then at you and back at the floor while jiggling his foot up and down

“i think i really like you and want to be more than friends”

god you hated that stuffy smelly bus so much but it just got 500 times more lovely to you

phew that took a while now let’s get onto boyfriend chan shall we?

you constantly nag him to put down his work and go to sleep but he refuses

and you refuse to leave him alone

you sit next to him every time he works on music at home

whenever he gets frustrated he just turns to you and buries his head into your shoulder in silence and wraps his arms around you except it’s messy and like a sloth

but you love it nonetheless

you are his biggest fan

every single musical decision goes through changbin and jisung but your word is the most important

“chan i think it’s nice already…but don’t listen to me changbin knows better and i’m not a professional”

“changbin who? i guess he’s just wrong.”

“no chan wait”

as a gesture of love you try to cook for him but it ends awfully

chan takes up cooking after that but he doesn’t mind

he always has you nearby so you can watch and learn

and whenever he has you try to do any cooking he watches you attentively

“no you’re doing it wrong, it’s like this”

and he’ll come up behind you and hold your hands while you cut vegetables

whOOPS the sudden contact makes you so flustered you cut your finger

“see it’s not that ba-WHY ARE YOU BLEEDING”

wee woo wee woo medic chan is on the way

your first kiss is in the middle of a disney movie marathon on the couch while you try to grab the box of pizza from him and he holds it up shaking his head and laughing

“give me a kiss first” and you’re like okay i guess and he’s like wait what and you just lean in

his whole mind goes blank and he drops the box on the floor and holds your face while he kisses you back

his stomach is in an absolute frenzy and you finally pull away and reach for the pizza with a huge grin

“i did it”

“i didn’t think you would and now i’m in a dilemma because i wanted the last slice”

lots of lazy cuddling on the couch after a long day of recording, he just loves taking in your scent and having you next to him

chan constantly keeps you up on your tippy toes

you procrastinate on all your college work and he’ll come by to check on you

“how’s it going babe?”

and you’ll drop your phone in shock and all he sees is you watching another group on weekly idol and now you know you’re in for an intense study session

whenever you try to joke your way out of your work or get distracted he gently scolds you and gets you back on track even if you protest

but your grades are always improving because of him and you’re thankful

no matter how busy he is saturday is the day specifically planned for you no matter what

one time woojin tried to come over and hang out with chan but he was quickly and gently shoo’d away

he’s not the type to get viciously jealous, but he does clear his throat and put a kiss against your cheek just to be sure that the other person knows you’re together

he’ll take off his hats and put them on you and your eyes always go so wide

you act like it’s nothing but it means so much to you and you feel so special when he does that and he notices

he thinks its the cutest thing in the world

your contact on his phone is “my baby” with a bunch of heart emojis and its so cheesy

the contact picture is worse it’s a picture of you sleeping and curled up into him

his snapchat is full of videos with the rest of the boys and both of you using filters and being silly

sometimes if you’re lucky and he’s extra tired he lets you climb onto his bed with him and straddle him while you draw things with his dimples

his favorite creation of yours is when you made flower petals around his dimples

he loves playing drake aloud on the bluetooth speakers in the house and showing you all his favorite musicians

and overtime because you’re so used to it you learn the lyrics too

and whenever songs like 0 to 100 come on you both grab a broom or mop and rap into the microphone and make exaggerated gestures and facial expressions at each other 

he does this little weird dance and you always follow

you look so cute to him with your messy hair and your bouncing steps and big smile and wow…he realizes he’s actually in love with you

just as you’re his #1 fan he is your #1 fan

chan pushes you to be more productive and believe more in yourself

anything that affects you negatively affects him as well… you’re both so united and everything that happens to both of you feels so personal

when things get rough for you he holds your hand and lies with you in bed until you’re ready to talk about it

sometimes he feels like it’s his fault and he’s deeply afraid of losing you

he gets a lot of dms on instagram from girls who are looking for more than just a conversation with their favorite rapper

and you’re always a little frustrated but happy as he doesn’t really care and doesn’t pay mind to it

one day you wake up and check your phone blowing up

he posted a picture of you and him holding hands on his instagram telling everyone he’s happily in a relationship and would appreciate not having his dms spammed

skinship with chan is so calm and soothing

he’s more about touching like hugs and hand holding than he is kissing but when he kisses you it’s passionate and more than just a peck

he always tells you how thankful he is he met you

and he could never say it out of fear of scaring you but he hopes to have a long future with you

he just knows he wants to be with you and keep you safe and happy

“hey chan?”

“yeah?”

“what are you thinking about?”

“i was thinking about how i want you to move in with me because it’s like you live here…if that’s okay?”

“i was thinking you’d never ask.”

one day he brings you to the studio and asks you to sit down and listen so you put in the headphones

the song is about the bus you met him on 4419 oh yes i love being clever

when he asks what you think he looks over at you and sees you’re crying and panics

“why are you crying? did i do something wrong? does it suck that much?” and you just gently smack his hand and wail

“i’m crying because i’m in love with you and that song.” and his heart just beats

it’s the first time you’ve told him you’re in love with him

and while he ruffles your hair to calm you down he hopes you can be his for as long as he exists

[numberplates4u-blog]

New Porsche Cayenne 2017 review

Image 1 of 26 Image 1 of 26 26 Oct, 2017 11:00pm Adam Towler The all-new Porsche Cayenne has arrived, and we try it out in range-topping Turbo guise The Cayenne defined the large, sporty SUV market when it first appeared in 2003, and while the 911 remains the essence of the Porsche brand, it’s the big 4x4 that the maker simply has to get right from a cash-generating perspective. This new third-generation model is based on the same platform that underpins both the Bentley Bentayga and the current Audi Q7. Once again though, Porsche has spared no effort in adapting it to its own needs, and never more so than with the flagship Turbo model tested here. • Best 4x4s and SUVs on sale At launch there will be no Cayenne Diesel. Two other petrol models available, however: the standard Cayenne, which uses a 335bhp single turbo 3.0-litre V6, and the more powerful 434bhp Cayenne S, powered by a 2.9-litre bi-turbo V6. Image 2 of 26 Image 2 of 26 Although Porsche claims the new Cayenne is up to 65kg lighter than its predecessor, the new Turbo tips the scales at a not-insignificant 2,175kg. Downsizing seems a silly word to apply to the new car, then, but like the latest Panamera, this new version ditches the old 4.8-litre engine in favour of an all-new, smaller 4.0-litre V8.  With the benefit of twin turbochargers it produces 542bhp and a massive 770Nm of torque (up 30bhp and 20Nm respectively over the old car). With the benefit of a slick-shifting eight-speed automatic gearbox, an active four-wheel drive system with a multi-plate clutch, a variable rear spoiler, and Porsche’s optional Sport Chrono with launch control, the new car can sprint from rest to 62mph in as little as 3.9-seconds. The top speed is an impressive 177mph. This range-topper gains a unique 21-inch alloy wheel design packaged under colour-coded wheel arch extensions, LED head and tail-lights and four exhaust pipes. The new Cayenne is longer than the outgoing car, but lower, too. It’s a smoothly surfaced, chunky shape, if a predictable one. Image 3 of 26 Image 3 of 26 On the inside, the cockpit is dominated by the same 12.3-inch HD touchscreen that was first seen in the new Panamera, while straight ahead of the driver is a large, central rev counter – with further HD screens either side of that. The Cayenne retains its sporting bent inside with a lower driving position than you’ll find in a Range Rover, along with its high central tunnel. It all feels extremely well put together, with a perceived solidity that puts some rivals to shame.  • Best performance cars available The 18-way adjustable sports seats allow plenty of scope for a good driving position, too, and the rear seats recline, while also sliding fore and aft for improve leg or boot space. Speaking of which, the Cayenne now boasts an extra 100 litres of luggage volume, albeit slightly reduced to 741 litres in the Turbo model. For comparison, a BMW X5 offers a 650-litre loadbay - albeit one that is also available with seven seats. Under the skin, the new Cayenne has a formidable arsenal of technology to make it handle better than ever on-road, but also off-road, too. The variable three-chamber air suspension offers greater breadth of control, while there’s a multi-link suspension setup front and rear overseen by a new 4D chassis control software that monitors everything the car is doing, tailors all the systems accordingly. Image 7 of 26 Image 7 of 26 With torque vectoring, optional electrically-operated anti-roll bars (PDCC), and rear-wheel steering (also a cost extra), the Turbo offers five on-road drive modes, plus Gravel, Mud, Sand and Rock settings. There are six ride height levels, and while we didn’t get to try the car off the public highway, our experience with the Bentayga suggest there’s every reason to believe it should be highly capable.  On the road, the Cayenne Turbo sets new dynamic standards for an SUV, with smooth consistent steering that would be accurate enough for use in a proper sports saloon, let alone in a vehicle such as this one. But what’s really to its abilities are the options of PDCC and electric rear steering. The former not only has an iron grip over the Cayenne’s body movements during high speed cornering, but perhaps more importantly, slackens everything off when the Cayenne is driving normally on motorways or straight A-roads. This really improves the ride quality and removes the jiggling from side to side that is often so apparent in cars like this. The Turbo is an effortless high-speed cruiser: refined, comfortable, and always with immense power in reserve. The V8 has a subtle rumble when ambling on, but a strident hard-edged roar when extended. Whatever the gear or situation, it never feels as though it is struggling with the Cayenne’s mass. Moreover, the rear-wheel steering makes the Cayenne astonishingly maneuverable for its size and weight. Image 9 of 26 Image 9 of 26 With Porsche’s trick torque vectoring, the Turbo can even be coaxed into a slide - not the sort of behaviour many will want to access, and almost alarming the first time it happens, but incredibly effective at getting the nose pointed into a corner. Special mention must go to the brakes as well, which have spectacular stopping power and endurance - particularly if you spec the optional carbon ceramic setup.   Although there are plenty of ways to inflate the price of your Cayenne Turbo via the options list, standard equipment is actually very generous. All cars come with heated seats all round and an excellent surround sound stereo, though for a whisker shy of £100,000, you expect a few toys. However, with optimistic economy and emissions figures of 24.1mpg and 267g/km, the Turbo will be reassuringly expensive to run. 4 Porsche describes the new Cayenne as its ‘sports car for five’, and corny as it sounds, it’s alarmingly accurate. While the Cayenne has always offered enormous performance, the new car possesses a more attractive and modern interior, significantly improved refinement and even more agility on the road. It’s not a cheap car to buy or run, and won’t be to all tastes, but there’s no denying it’s all-round ability. Model: Porsche Cayenne Turbo Price: £99,291 Engine: 4.0-lite V8, turbocharged Power/torque: 542bhp/700Nm 0-62mph: 3.9 seconds Top speed: 177mph Economy/CO2: 24.1mpg/267g/km On sale: Now

http://www.autoexpress.co.uk/porsche/cayenne/101521/new-porsche-cayenne-2017-review

[privateplates4u]

New Porsche Cayenne 2017 review

Image 1 of 26 Image 1 of 26 26 Oct, 2017 11:00pm Adam Towler The all-new Porsche Cayenne has arrived, and we try it out in range-topping Turbo guise The Cayenne defined the large, sporty SUV market when it first appeared in 2003, and while the 911 remains the essence of the Porsche brand, it’s the big 4x4 that the maker simply has to get right from a cash-generating perspective. This new third-generation model is based on the same platform that underpins both the Bentley Bentayga and the current Audi Q7. Once again though, Porsche has spared no effort in adapting it to its own needs, and never more so than with the flagship Turbo model tested here. • Best 4x4s and SUVs on sale At launch there will be no Cayenne Diesel. Two other petrol models available, however: the standard Cayenne, which uses a 335bhp single turbo 3.0-litre V6, and the more powerful 434bhp Cayenne S, powered by a 2.9-litre bi-turbo V6. Image 2 of 26 Image 2 of 26 Although Porsche claims the new Cayenne is up to 65kg lighter than its predecessor, the new Turbo tips the scales at a not-insignificant 2,175kg. Downsizing seems a silly word to apply to the new car, then, but like the latest Panamera, this new version ditches the old 4.8-litre engine in favour of an all-new, smaller 4.0-litre V8.  With the benefit of twin turbochargers it produces 542bhp and a massive 770Nm of torque (up 30bhp and 20Nm respectively over the old car). With the benefit of a slick-shifting eight-speed automatic gearbox, an active four-wheel drive system with a multi-plate clutch, a variable rear spoiler, and Porsche’s optional Sport Chrono with launch control, the new car can sprint from rest to 62mph in as little as 3.9-seconds. The top speed is an impressive 177mph. This range-topper gains a unique 21-inch alloy wheel design packaged under colour-coded wheel arch extensions, LED head and tail-lights and four exhaust pipes. The new Cayenne is longer than the outgoing car, but lower, too. It’s a smoothly surfaced, chunky shape, if a predictable one. Image 3 of 26 Image 3 of 26 On the inside, the cockpit is dominated by the same 12.3-inch HD touchscreen that was first seen in the new Panamera, while straight ahead of the driver is a large, central rev counter – with further HD screens either side of that. The Cayenne retains its sporting bent inside with a lower driving position than you’ll find in a Range Rover, along with its high central tunnel. It all feels extremely well put together, with a perceived solidity that puts some rivals to shame.  • Best performance cars available The 18-way adjustable sports seats allow plenty of scope for a good driving position, too, and the rear seats recline, while also sliding fore and aft for improve leg or boot space. Speaking of which, the Cayenne now boasts an extra 100 litres of luggage volume, albeit slightly reduced to 741 litres in the Turbo model. For comparison, a BMW X5 offers a 650-litre loadbay - albeit one that is also available with seven seats. Under the skin, the new Cayenne has a formidable arsenal of technology to make it handle better than ever on-road, but also off-road, too. The variable three-chamber air suspension offers greater breadth of control, while there’s a multi-link suspension setup front and rear overseen by a new 4D chassis control software that monitors everything the car is doing, tailors all the systems accordingly. Image 7 of 26 Image 7 of 26 With torque vectoring, optional electrically-operated anti-roll bars (PDCC), and rear-wheel steering (also a cost extra), the Turbo offers five on-road drive modes, plus Gravel, Mud, Sand and Rock settings. There are six ride height levels, and while we didn’t get to try the car off the public highway, our experience with the Bentayga suggest there’s every reason to believe it should be highly capable.  On the road, the Cayenne Turbo sets new dynamic standards for an SUV, with smooth consistent steering that would be accurate enough for use in a proper sports saloon, let alone in a vehicle such as this one. But what’s really to its abilities are the options of PDCC and electric rear steering. The former not only has an iron grip over the Cayenne’s body movements during high speed cornering, but perhaps more importantly, slackens everything off when the Cayenne is driving normally on motorways or straight A-roads. This really improves the ride quality and removes the jiggling from side to side that is often so apparent in cars like this. The Turbo is an effortless high-speed cruiser: refined, comfortable, and always with immense power in reserve. The V8 has a subtle rumble when ambling on, but a strident hard-edged roar when extended. Whatever the gear or situation, it never feels as though it is struggling with the Cayenne’s mass. Moreover, the rear-wheel steering makes the Cayenne astonishingly maneuverable for its size and weight. Image 9 of 26 Image 9 of 26 With Porsche’s trick torque vectoring, the Turbo can even be coaxed into a slide - not the sort of behaviour many will want to access, and almost alarming the first time it happens, but incredibly effective at getting the nose pointed into a corner. Special mention must go to the brakes as well, which have spectacular stopping power and endurance - particularly if you spec the optional carbon ceramic setup.   Although there are plenty of ways to inflate the price of your Cayenne Turbo via the options list, standard equipment is actually very generous. All cars come with heated seats all round and an excellent surround sound stereo, though for a whisker shy of £100,000, you expect a few toys. However, with optimistic economy and emissions figures of 24.1mpg and 267g/km, the Turbo will be reassuringly expensive to run. 4 Porsche describes the new Cayenne as its ‘sports car for five’, and corny as it sounds, it’s alarmingly accurate. While the Cayenne has always offered enormous performance, the new car possesses a more attractive and modern interior, significantly improved refinement and even more agility on the road. It’s not a cheap car to buy or run, and won’t be to all tastes, but there’s no denying it’s all-round ability. Model: Porsche Cayenne Turbo Price: £99,291 Engine: 4.0-lite V8, turbocharged Power/torque: 542bhp/700Nm 0-62mph: 3.9 seconds Top speed: 177mph Economy/CO2: 24.1mpg/267g/km On sale: Now

http://www.autoexpress.co.uk/porsche/cayenne/101521/new-porsche-cayenne-2017-review

[stevenweiland]

About Steven Weiland

Character Chart  Character’s full name: Steven Eoghan Weiland Reason or meaning of name: Steven was chosen by his mother who enjoyed the name, Eoghan was chosen by his father, named after his Irish grandfather. Character’s nickname: Steve by many, Stevo by many of the mafia, especially the native Irish, Shit-For-Brains by Pat. Reason for nickname: From his name mostly Birth date: 23 April 1973

Physical appearance Age: 44 How old does he/she appear: Early forties though doesn’t enjoy admitting it. Weight: 169 Height: 6′0″ Body build: Tall, stocky, body reminiscent of a fit one in his youth but age definitely affecting it. Shape of face: Square Eye color: Grey/Blue Glasses or contacts: None but probably needs reading glasses, is reluctant to go to opticians and admit to his deteriorating eyesight and therefore age. Skin tone: Beige Distinguishing marks: A scar on his stomach from a serious stabbing in his youth that hospitalised him. Several other scars across his body from previous fights. Predominant features: Hair, crooked smile that leans to the left, most prominent when he smirks. Hair color: Dark blonde Type of hair: Wavy Hairstyle: However his hair falls, secured with some pomade. Usually flawless because he is blessed with attractive hair. Stupid sexy Steven. Overall attractiveness: 8/10, 10/10 if you’re into older guys. Physical disabilities: None Usual fashion of dress: Suits, many suits. Favorite outfit: Navy blue suit bought from Savile Row that in all honesty looks like most of his other navy blue suits but he insists it’s better because it’s from Savile Row. Jewelry or accessories: A Rolex gifted to him by his mother on his thirtieth birthday. Personality Good personality traits: Confident, loyal, responsible Bad personality traits: Stubborn, cynical, domineering Mood character is most often in: Confident Sense of humor: Dark but finds himself enjoying silly jokes when caught off guard. Character’s greatest joy in life: His role in the family business, though small, but still significant. Character’s greatest fear: Being shunned from the Irish Mob. Why? It has been his entire life and though his relationship with his brother is tumultuous, he keeps him on his good side so he can have a good part of the business to himself. What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil? His brother removing him from the business. Character is most at ease when: He is drinking at a bar. Most ill at ease when: He is sent on jobs for his father or brother without knowing the full context. Enraged when: His father and brother keep something work related away from him. Depressed or sad when: He gets a bit too drunk and starts thinking about his own mortality. Priorities: The Irish Mob, his father Life philosophy: Live young and fuck up those who cross you. If granted one wish, it would be: To be the head of the Irish Mob in New York City. Why? It had been his hopes from a young age to take over from his father, though it was passed to his brother, much to his chagrin. Character’s soft spot: Dogs Is this soft spot obvious to others? No, only if he is drunk and comes across a dog. Greatest strength: Discipline Greatest vulnerability or weakness: Aggression Biggest regret: Not telling his mother he loved her more when she was alive. Minor regret: Not having sex with a 17 year old who came onto him, knowing full well she was technically of legal age, but not being able to overcome his own personal weirdness at the age difference at the time. Biggest accomplishment: Pulling a gun to Giovanni Ricci’s head to get his family’s money back when he was only twenty five years old. Minor accomplishment: Surviving most of his previous fights only mildly injured compared to the other guy(s). Past failures he/she would be embarrassed to have people know about: Being beaten up by a teenage boy when he was in his thirties, even if he was a hulk of a boy. Why? He has a great pride in being a decent fighter. Character’s darkest secret: The death count on his hands. Does anyone else know? Not the exact number. Goals Drives and motivations: Being a useful part of the NYC Irish Mob. Immediate goals: Opening up the casino, hoping it will be a precious commodity in the money laundering part of the family business. Long term goals: A bigger role in the Mob. How the character plans to accomplish these goals: Sucking up to his brother, looking after his businesses. How other characters will be affected: Neglecting those around him for his own goals. Past Hometown: New York City Type of childhood: Slightly dysfunctional but fiercely tight knit. Pets: Dog in his youth named Jesse First memory: Playing with Jesse Most important childhood memory: His father beating up someone in the garage, not knowing Steven had strayed from the main house. Why: He was desensitised from violence at quite a young age, his father going up to him and explaining to him quite plainly what he was doing. Childhood hero: His father. Dream job: Kingpin of the NYC Irish Mob Education: High School Religion: Christian by family but not following it at all. Finances: High income, though most of it highly illegal. Present Current location: New York City, NY Currently living with: N/A Pets: N/A Religion: Atheist Occupation: Owner of La Perle and soon the unnamed casino in Chinatown Finances: High income Family Mother: Pauline Weiland nee Brook Relationship with her: Sadly passed away seven years ago. They were closer than he and his father ever was and is now. He misses her dearly.

Father: Marcus Weiland Relationship with him: Has a great respect for. They were never close paternally, the older man having the business to run through his life. They grew closer as Steven grew up and joined his father on jobs and was given responsibilities. He has a great admiration for the man.

Siblings: Patrick “Pat” Weiland Relationship with them: Growing up the two had the same sibling rivalry most brothers do. They had grown up together due to Pat’s mother being tortured and killed as a threat from The Jersey Crew. Their relationship grew apart when Pat joined the mob a few years before Stev, distancing himself and treating Steven like his kid brother. Not much has changed through the years, Steven knowing full well that Pat was always the favourite. While he is often pissed off at the way Pat works and they butt heads quite a lot, they do love each other deep down.

Other important family members: Gail Weiland, sister in law Relationship with them: His opinion on Gail has always been the same. He thinks of her as the trophy wife who he thinks Pat gives too much for. She thinks of Steven as Pat’s idiot brother. The animosity is mutual and he enjoys quipping at her at any given chance, and she him.

Favorites Color: Black Least favorite color: Gross yellows Music: Classic rock Food: Steak Literature: He doesn't read recreationally. Form of entertainment: Movies Mode of transportation: His vintage car Most prized possession: Rolex from mom Habits Hobbies: Cooking, Record Collecting Plays a musical instrument? Attempted guitar in his youth and still knows a few chords and tunes if he picks one up. Plays a sport? Badminton and swimming sometimes but nothing regularly How he/she would spend a rainy day: As he would any other day. Precipitation does not stop a businessman. Spending habits: Frivolous Smokes: Yes Drinks: Frequently in large quantities  Other drugs: Dabbles in coke and weed sometimes but anything drug related in life is mostly mob related. What does he/she do too much of? Drink What does he/she do too little of? Emotional self care Extremely skilled at: Flirting Extremely unskilled at: Emotional response Nervous tics: Tiny twitch in his eye. Usual body posture: Manspreading Mannerisms: Running his hand through his hair, jiggling his leg when sat down.

Traits Optimist or pessimist? Realist Introvert or extrovert? Extrovert Daredevil or cautious? Daredevil  Logical or emotional? Logical Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat? Methodical and messy Prefers working or relaxing? Working Confident or unsure of himself/herself? Confident Animal lover? Yes Self-perception How he/she feels about himself/herself: Very confident in who he is, concerned of his role in the Mob but tries his best at what he is given all the same.  One word the character would use to describe self: Logical One paragraph description of how the character would describe self: “I’m a confident person. I don’t need to rely on others for anything. It’s not easy doing what I do, but I balance work and personal life well, even if it blurs sometimes. That’s it. I don’t enjoy talking about myself.” What does the character consider his/her best personality trait? Ability to talk to others persuasively What does the character consider his/her worst personality trait? Letting anger get the best of him at times What does the character consider his/her best physical characteristic? His hair What does the character consider his/her worst physical characteristic? His torso, he's getting podgy and he hates it. How does the character think others perceive him/her: Probably cocky and flashy. He doesn't really care what others think of him though. What would the character most like to change about himself/herself: His age. Relationships with others Opinion of other people in general: Strongly apathetic to most until proven important or relevant to his life. Does the character hide his/her true opinions and emotions from others? He does but not purposefully, he isn't very good with feelings Person character most hates: People who have crossed his family. Best friend(s): Actually Frank Oldman Love interest(s): Elise Victors Person character goes to for advice: Janice, the cleaner. Sometimes Frank over small things. Person character feels responsible for or takes care of: Himself Person character feels shy or awkward around: Nobody Person character openly admires: Marcus Weiland Person character secretly admires: Pat Weiland, Elise Victors Most important person in character’s life before story starts: Marcus Weiland After story starts: Elise Victors

[3one3]

The Sequel - 791

Troubling Trend

André Schürrle, Juan Mata, other Chelsea players, and random awesome OC’s

(okay they’re less random now but they’re still pretty awesome)

original epic tale

all chapters of The Sequel

“Chriiiiiiiiis.”

“I’m awake. I’m just not ready to open my eyes yet. Stop jiggling my boob.”

André hopped unceremoniously and with no consideration for Christina’s comfort whatsoever onto the bed next to her to lay down, bunch up a pillow under his head, and rub her stomach instead of her left breast. She’d kicked or pushed his heavy comforter down to about her waist and looked adorable to him on her back with both arms splayed open at her sides like a dead person. Her black ribbed tank was bunched up above her navel, and it was tight enough that it kind of kept her chest together. He let her sleep until 11 on Tuesday morning. It was pretty clear that she needed the extra rest, and he was ready for some father-son time with Lukas. They got up much earlier to walk the dogs, have breakfast, half pay attention to Paw Patrol, and play with all the toys Lukas forgot he had there. The child also usually returned from horse show weekends extra tired, though he got the same amount of sleep as home. He passed out for an early nap after many rounds of trying to beat Lucky and Spencer to the tennis ball that André threw across the living room for them. Lukas seldom got to the ball first but he enjoyed the game nonetheless.

“Are you going to training now?” his mom inquired sleepily, without turning her head or opening her eyes. Her face was pointed away from the intruder, and he wanted to poke at the muscle sticking out of her neck. His wife had a finite tolerance for his annoying behavior before her coffee or juice though.

“Yes.”

“K. I’m going back to sleep for 6 hours then,” she yawned. “Later.”

“K but who is going to look after Mausi?”

“Buzzkill.”

“If I leave like right this second I could drop him at Marco’s to be his new nanny’s problem for the day.”

“Naaaaht.” Christina shifted her head to her left, rubbed her eyes, and then raised her arms to stretch. Her spine twisted in an S-shape to help in the slow stretching of her muscles, which weren’t used to getting so much rest. Twelve hours of sleep was at least 5 more than she got on a regular basis. André found this behavior adorable too.

“Did you sleep good?”

“Your accent gets so cute when you’re here. Your voice gets higher at the end of some words. Reminds me of when we first met.” She blinked sleepily at the face across the way, and worked her fingers into her hair and down to her scalp for a tempered scratch. I don’t wanna get out of bed, like, ever. It’s so warm, and comfortable, and not filled with the sound of horse show announcers and people yelling instructions in 5 languages.

“I hope yours doesn’t change too much after you live here for a while.” André slid his hand around her side to her back as she rolled over to hug her very large pillow. He thought it a very “Prinzessiny” thing that she liked to sleep in the very middle of the overstuffed square pillows instead of one of his nice standard shape ones with more than adequate fill to avoid going flat overnight. Her pillow choices at home in London had grown inconsistent in his absence. The rider used to use the standard pillows because it was easier to get close to her partner that way. She couldn’t get very close from the middle of a big square pillow. Sometimes she didn’t use a pillow at all when she fell asleep because her head was on him in some way, and then she just used whatever pillow was close and convenient as they shifted apart during the night. That wasn’t much of a concern anymore, on her own. Juan liked to share his square pillows with her, and they were flatter and squishier.

Christina thought of her pillow preferences like Julia Roberts’ character’s egg preferences in The Runaway Bride. She liked her eggs prepared the way her current boyfriend did, no matter what. Whatever he liked, she liked- scrambled, poached, overeasy, whatever- and it happened with every boyfriend and eventual fiancé. She didn’t even know which way she really liked on her own. Christina didn’t know which pillow situation was her favorite. Granted, she didn’t think that much about it except in hotels, where she tried to decide what to do with whatever pillows were on offer, and never really knew which kind of thing she hoped to create with them. She figured if she had a standard preferred pillow plan, she would know how to arrange her hotel pillows to try to achieve the same effect. Her selection at the apartment on Monday night was based purely on immediate comfort. She laid down on one of the square pillows she got to put against the wall in lieu of a headboard for André’s bed, it was divinely comfortable, and she stayed put. His arms were long enough that he could still angle himself and spoon her for a little while before he went to sleep. Another decision made on the basis of immediate comfort was that to ignore his reference to her living in Germany permanently. The expat dodged it.

“What time do you get back?”

“From what?”

“Training.”

“I don’t have training, Silly Prinzessin. I was just kidding. Do you not remember the lengthy discussion we had last night about all the stuff we were going to do today?” The Dortmund midfielder tried to tug her tank top down over the small of her back in case she was cold. He had the day off. He didn’t really need one since he didn’t play on Saturday, and Sunday training was only with the rest of the guys who also didn’t play, and that was never very intense or meaningful.

“Maybe?” His wife yawned and nodded her cheek against the pillow, though the movement was because she had an itch, rather than to answer his question. “What stuff are we doing today?”

“We’re going to go see the house, and you said you want to see your baby horse, and take Mausi to the good playground. Did you look at the link I sent you with the play place, with the trampolines and foam pits and stuff?”

“No. I was watching Chelsea on my phone and then I forgot about it. Did you watch at all at the hotel? What a game.” Christina did remember deliberately not talking to him about Chelsea’s win over Arsenal on Saturday because she didn’t want to remind him that his old club went 12 points clear at the top with that victory, while his current one battled to the death, without him, to get a win a few hours later that only took them to third. He and his teammates celebrated that win like it was some huge thing, which she personally found embarrassing. She found it embarrassing that a club like Borussia Dortmund should be so excited and so thrilled to beat RB Leipzig at home 1-0, especially in light of a last minute equalizer that was probably wrongly ruled offside. To her it was a sad state of things, and despite André’s implicit happiness, she was sure that he would later, on reflection, realize it too. So she didn’t bring up Chelsea. Days later, it seemed okay.

“No.”

“Eden scored a ridiculously good goal after a solo dribbling run from his own half, and then Juan scored a really nice one too.”

“I saw the score. Arsenal is shit. Everyone is unfair to Mesut though. Anyway, why don’t you get up and I’ll make you a coffee and then we can head out to the house, or to Holger’s?” I’m happy for Chelsea. I’m happy for my friends in the team. I’m even happy for Juan. That doesn’t mean I want to talk about Chelsea, the ex-Chelsea man thought as he tried to ease conversation away from the West London club. I don’t get how she doesn’t care more about Borussia anymore. I play now for the club she has loved a lot longer, and cared more about, and was more invested it. On bad days she used to re-watch great Borussia games, not Chelsea triumphs. Now it’s like a sore subject to her, he concluded while his girl appeared to be mulling over his proposed agenda.

“How about you pour me some juice and we go for a walk with Lulu Schü and the puppies to the coffee place my Mario’s? We can hang there and have better coffee, and I can have something to eat, and then we’ll go to the playground on the way back?”

“What about the house and the horse?”

“We can do that later. His barn name is Dylan now, by the way. Tom said everyone is calling him Baby Dylan because somebody said he looks like a Welsh pony and somebody else thought that person said a Welsh poet, and he’s afraid of the dark, and Dylan is a “D” name like Dirk. Dirk has Welsh pony ears and Navarra looks like an overgrown Welsh pony so I guess it’s all fitting.”

“I don’t get it.” The non-poetry reader of the family shook his head with plain eyes that gave away his disinterest. Firstly, he didn’t care what they were going to call Navarra’s foal if Christina wasn’t going to include him in the decision making process, and secondly, he automatically checked out of conversations involving things he didn’t know anything about, like Welsh poets.

“Dylan Thomas was a Welsh poet who wrote that famous poem “Do not go gentle into that good night”.” She looked back at him questioningly, waiting for signs of recognition. “Rage, rage against the dying of the light?”

“Never heard of it.”

“Oh. It’s about dying.”

“So your Dirk baby is named Dylan because of a poem about dying? That’s nice.”

“Are you grumpy all of a sudden because you don’t like the idea that people in a barn know Welsh poets and poems and you don’t, or because you think I don’t want to go see the house?”

“I’m not grumpy.”

“Well you went from cute and nice to blank and short, so I’m sticking with grumpy. And I noticed you didn’t deny the second part.”

“Well are we actually going to the house or are you waiting until this mythical “later” to say “Babe, I’m tired, can we just go home instead”?” André sat up on his elbow. It wasn’t that easy to be combative at such close range. The amount of awareness in Christina’s eyes- the way they immediately broadcasted how she internalized his words and how she felt about them- was an extra layer in her attack or defense. He couldn’t simply assume she wasn’t hurt, or upset, or angry, or anything else, and proceed without having to feel he impact of doing that to her. Whatever was on her mind was in her eyes, and it was most clear at close quarters. Being inches from her eyes made them weapons against his resolve.

“Are we gonna start doing this again?” the rider sighed impatiently. “Making everything into a fight?” She took his distance as a sign that he was ramping up for a proper argument.

“You just called me dumb, accused me of having a complex about it, and then labeled me grumpy for hiding a feeling I don’t even have, so if someone is looking for a fight, I don’t think it’s me.” He tried to be calm, but his tongue had bite.

“I didn’t call you dumb. I know you think you are sometimes, and that’s what I was saying, and how was I wrong about you thinking I don’t want to go to the house if you then followed up with “well are you avoiding it”? You didn’t even deny it.”

“Why would you even assume that I assumed that?”

“Because you always do.”

“No I don’t! I’m sorry if you had a bad weekend and you were upset yesterday and this process is really annoying, but I will not let you take us back to where we were two months ago, assuming the worst of each other and suspecting each other of wanting different things, and hiding it. We’re not doing that again.” André was firm. He wanted to strike down whatever was happening before it could grow legs. Christina’s tone gave him a flashback to every fight they had throughout the fall, and every mistake they made, and every way they hurt each other. There was no way he would allow them to succumb to that again.

“Whatever.” She lifted her head off the pillow enough to shake it dismissively, and then lifted the rest of her body to get up. He watched her crawl to the edge of the bed and get out of it, flopped onto his stomach while she walked around the bed to go to the bathroom, and at the last minute decided to turn the other way and watch the rest of her journey there. Her “angry” stride involved a specific little wiggle of her butt, and he could see it in the parts that weren’t covered by her underwear. She’s just mad because she’s busted. She wanted a fight, not me. I don’t even know why.

The scratching of at least one but possibly two Toy Fox Terriers at the bedroom door drew the player out of bed. He didn’t want to just lie there waiting for Christina to get over her huff in the bathroom anyway. He went out to the living room to make sure the dogs weren’t seeking his attention because they desperately needed to go out. Neither one ran back and forth to the front door or dug at the carpet, so it didn’t seem like a potty emergency. They just wanted attention. He sympathized with them. He wanted attention too, from his wife, and not in the form of criticism and provocation. There were less than 24 hours left to her visit. It wouldn’t be worth holding a grudge.

When Christina emerged in fitted sweats and a leather jacket and running shoes- all in black like a gym class teacher going to a funeral- he knew she was either still mad at him or genuinely didn’t feel great, and not in physical terms. Her body should have felt great after all the extra sleep. It had to be stress and disappointment that was bothering her, if her exceedingly comfortable and literally effortless outfit wasn’t just meant to be a slight on him. Normally she went out of her way to look nice when they finally got to see each other. Surely she would have packed for that, and surely her fashionable but unimpressive sweats were something she packed for wearing on a plane, or for wearing to breakfast at her hotel in France before it was time to put riding clothes on, he thought.

“Where’s Luke?” She also had her little crossbody bag, a supplement to the “Lukas bag”, and was stuffing essentials like her card wallet, Chap Stick, and phone inside.

“He’s sleeping still. Do you want to wake him from the nap or just wait? He’s only been in the crib maybe a half hour.” The German scratched his chin on the couch and tried to sound open to either thing, lest she accuse him of anything. He didn’t even know what she could accuse him of, but was sure she’d find something.

“We can wait, I guess.” The girl in head to toe adidas cotton fleece and no makeup at all shrugged off her jacket and sat on the opposite end of the couch, with her hood up over her third-day top knot, making her look like a cone head. She had her phone, to catch up on whatever she missed during her lie-in. Most of what she missed was Juan. He sent her a bunch of pictures and videos of his teammates dancing in the dressing room at Cobham, and also an invitation. Sotheby’s was having an auction called “Erotic: Passion & Desire”, and the Spaniard wanted to know if she was interested in attending an exhibition of the works prior to the sale. His message included a link to the auction catalogue, which featured paintings, sculpture, photography, prints, books, drawing, and even furniture befitting the title, from centuries ago to the present.

André tried to guess what on Earth she was looking at as he watched her expression change while she swiped through the lots. A print from one of the earliest erotic novels, depicting a man with his fingers in a woman across his lap, for example, made her eyes widen with surprise. A sculpture from the second century AD made them even bigger. It was the torsos of a man and women- he was penetrating her. They had no heads or arms and lacked most of the length of their legs, penis in vagina were perfectly intact. They happened to be in Christina’s favorite “Juan position”. Then there were incredibly detailed ink prints from the Qing Dynasty that had her cringing and swiping faster. Something that the catalogue described as a 10th century “green glass fertility talisman” of Persian origin looked like a really big dildo to her, which evoked more displeased faces. A table adorned with penises of multiple sizes, including extremely large ones acting almost like legs, made her giggle. There was even a Helmut Newton photo she kind of wanted for herself, but she frowned when she saw the expected price range under the description.

“What are you looking at? Or are you doing a live Instagram of weird faces?”

“Huh?” She looked up from her phone like she had no idea there was another person in the room, let alone someone throwing squeaky toys.

“What are you looking at on your phone?”

“A catalogue of stuff for sale at a Sotheby’s auction. It’s erotic art, but some of it is more disturbing than erotic. Apparently guys in the 1800’s liked to get in big baths with their girls and eat them out while other guys hide and watch, which is cool I guess. There’s juice, right?” Christina looked back at the screen and tapped out a reply to Juan.

“I would love to go but you can’t judge me when I get deeply embarrassed just being in the vicinity of some of those pieces.”

André said there was orange juice, apple juice, and ingredients for green juice if she felt like making it. She left the phone behind to go help herself to one of the first two, and he saw it light up almost right away with a text. There was no reason to guess who she’d be talking to about an erotic art auction. That had Juan written all over it. It wasn’t a problem really, but he did feel tempted to guess about who started the conversation and why- did Juan text her about the auction, or did she text him about fighting and then he brought up the auction?

“Are you going to the auction?” he asked when she returned with her sugar-free apple juice diluted with water.

“I don’t think so. Juan asked if I want to go to the exhibition, like a preview, I guess. I don’t know when it is though so I don’t know yet if I can go. Thanks for getting apple juice.” The grim reaper of leisurewear offered a wink to go with her thanks, and when she sat back down on the sofa she sat on the closer side of her phone instead of where she’d been before. Her attention went right back to the Apple device though.

“We can go to the appointment-only exhibit and cocktail this Thurs night or the open ones any day Weds-Fri 12-5 next week. How thoroughly did you look at the catalogue? There is something I want very much. Guess?”

“Thursday night is good. I have no idea where I am next week. Is it one of the Helmut Newton prints, cuz I want one too.”

“I’m sitting here debating back and forth in my head whether to bring up what we were saying in the other room, and I don’t want to have to debate things like that, so I’m just going to ask,” the more immediately available footballer told her. “What was that about and are you upset with me or is it over now?”

“I don’t know. Can we just forget it? I’m not upset.” Christina shook her head and let her eyes fall to the phone again, not because she was anxious to read Juan’s next reply but because it was easier to look at his messages than his former teammate’s face with his prying seriousness. “I’m just unhappy, and it makes me unpleasant to be around.”

“Maybe you can figure it out when we look at everything :)”

“If it’s the offensively large glass dildo, plz don’t buy thinking you’re bringing it anywhere near me.”

“I don’t think you’re unpleasant to be around,” he interjected with sincerity. “I’m very happy to be around you. I wish you could separate unhappiness about a difficult weekend and unhappiness about our house never being finished from the rest of life. I’m unhappy with my opportunities to play right now, and I’m unhappy about the house too, and your footing, but I wouldn’t say a blanket “I’m unhappy”, because my life in general is what I want, and what I need, and I enjoy it, and I love the people in it.”

“I can’t do that!” she argued back, desperate. “I’m incapable. I am good at what I do because I can’t shrug it off and just be happy with everything else.”

“I know. I know, pretty girl. Calm down.” André tossed a pillow gently in her direction, for no real reason. Lucky was impatiently waiting for him to throw the squeaky fire hose toy he’d just delivered back to his lap, and almost went for the pillow instead. Christina patted the cushion next to her to invite him up. Petting a silky soft black and white dog wasn’t a bad way to calm herself down. Spencer came too, and then she had two dogs to pet.

They are not apartment dogs, and I am not a commuter wife. I am not a part-time rider and full-time globetrotter. This doesn’t work for me. I can’t do this, she thought, glum and frustrated and on the verge of re-experiencing everything she had to endure before Christmas at that same pre-Christmas magnitude. André got up and came over as well, but he intended to do the petting, not be pet. He gently tugged her hood down, mindful of the hairstyle underneath, and then hugged and kissed her head.

“I need a day off from life,” she whispered inside the headlock since he was close enough to hear even her flimsiest of voices. There was gratitude in her heart that her partner’s embrace felt more like something he wanted than something he thought she needed. Constantly requiring comforting babying from the men in her life was a major irritant and disappointment to her. The German hung onto her head like he just enjoyed hanging on to her, and kissing her less than clean hair, and using her as a chin rest. “I’m going to have one Friday, I think, since Luke will be here. No baby, no horses, no work. I’m staying in bed with multiple coffees, anything I want to eat, daytime television, and a book.”

“You could have today off from life if you like. We don’t have to go anywhere, and I can handle Mausi.”

“Noooooo. I came here to have today with you. I need that too.”

“Good. Don’t spill your drink. You look like you’re about to spill it.”

“I won’t.”

“What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?”

“Who gives you these jokes?”

“A father in law. Get it?”