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nobodyeverasked · 2 years ago

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lonely hearts club; zhong chenle

(12,685) words - large

summary ➣ Y/N follows this unknown impulse to the gym to find his school's star basketball player, Zhong Chenle, all by himself. These two borderline strangers spend a little more time together than they intended to, and find out that they're a little less alone than they were used to thinking.

genre ➣ angst ( + fluff )

note ➣ This is ending six of seven for the dear dream series. This story takes place right after the dear dream prologue, an ‘alternate’ to endings such as runaways (Jaemin), stars around scars (Mark), and the others.

The prologue is a decent place to start for a little bit of context. However, lonely hearts club is also able to bed read on its own. So, if you just want a little bit of Chenle content, then happy reading ♡

-: ✧ prologue — mark - renjun - jeno - haechan - jaemin - chenle - jisung ✧ :-

.・゜-: ✧ :- .・゜-: ✧ :- -: ✧ :-゜・. -: ✧ :-゜・．

The lights submerging Y/N’s breaths in the memory of how easy they used to be to let out, the dapples of golden sunlight tying in knots on his skin; it was too much for Y/N to take and too difficult for him to focus on anything related to the biology textbook open in front of him. Words and paragraphs seemed to shift and change the moment Y/N looked away for too long, nothing between the lines made sense. Nothing seemed to make sense anymore.

Y/N was so used to not knowing the answers, but now, these past few weeks, Y/N’s finally been forced to fill in blanks he's not quite ready to yet. He’s still dealing with the blanks being there in the first place.

Letting out one more breath, Y/N swung his bag over his shoulder and tucked in his chair, however, his silent steps out the door were cut off almost instantly.

“Hey!” The whispers of Y/N’s tattered sneakers against the classroom tiles were torn to shreds by a voice whose underlit rasp ran through him like nobody else’s ever could. It was so familiar, like a home he never wanted to go back to - backpack gathered in his hands, always ready to run. But Lee Jeno always caught him, no matter where he ran or how far or in who’s arms he sought the fleeting sweetness of reprieve in next. “Watch it, dipshit!”

Y/N turned around to see Jeno’s already shot out of the seat just behind him. How long was he there? Sitting silently, glaring relentlessly into the back of Y/N’s head until he’d reduce the ends of Y/N’s sweater to ashes? The same sweater that still managed to cling to the warmth of the candlelight he and Renjun sat in back when they were diligent enough to remember their local library had a special room with ‘fire hazards’ galore decorating antique tables.

“Language, Mr. Lee!” The supply teacher sitting said harshly as he peered above the rim of his reading glasses, legs kicked up on the large desk at the head of the classroom. “I’ve been sending you to detention so much, you should get a loyalty card. Don’t make me send you again.”

“Whatever.” Jeno spat, but his voice rose above the subtle golds of the still sunlit sky pouring through the windows for Y/N to hear. “If your dumb ass bag hit me, I would’ve given you a reason to skip these classes.”

“Consider it a parting gift. It could help jump-start a few more brain cells of yours.” Y/N felt the fear, the knots in his throat that made all of his words fall apart the moment he could make them. He felt the butterflies Renjun would always set free in his stomach that Jeno would crush in his tightened fists the moment Y/N turned to meet his eyes. The ashes that scratched the surface of his skin, the morsels of dignity that Jeno would leave him with only to ravage them later. Y/N felt all of its weight and weightlessness, all Jeno’s given to him and all he’s taken; but for once, he didn’t care. He heard the lifeless creaking of the rolling chair their supply shifted in, he watched the flares of anger dance with such a passion in Jeno’s eyes.

But he also watched them slowly begin to flicker the longer Y/N’s frown threatened to become a snarl.

“Are you fucking kidding me…?” Jeno stepped closer, knuckles white from the tension of his balled-up fists. Y/N didn’t move back, didn’t falter, in fact, he began to think that Jeno’s question was almost laughable - or, at least, convinced himself of that. Y/N liked the idea of being amused at the fact that Jeno didn’t know what to say.

The idea was hanging by a thread, though, Y/N could feel his brashness dwindling. He didn’t know what was coming over him, but all he did know was that he wanted all of this to stop, and for him to match the smiles of the people who still made time in their lives to love him.

“No. I’m not.”

“Okay, boys, enough.” The supply teacher set down his glasses and book and began to round the table, ready to split up whatever this was and was going to unravel into becoming.

“You’re really stepping up to me? You think you’re doing something here?” Jeno shone this sinister smile as he didn’t get a response, nothing but the persistence of Y/N’s glare and the fact that he still hasn’t taken a step back from when Jeno stepped up to him. “There’s nobody here to protect you-”

“I don’t need anyone to protect me!” Y/N’s raised voice made the supply teacher flinch before he stood between them, trying to settle both of them down but failing miserably. All Y/N wanted to do was shove past the supply teacher and get in Jeno’s face again, to say anything he could to hurt him…

But he didn’t know how, he didn’t know what could hurt Jeno, if he could get hurt more than he already probably hurts inside.

“I just need you to leave me the fuck alone.” Y/N’s voice painfully quiet and breathless as all the anger Y/N held in his weathered hands and had wandering aimlessly across his bruised heart was just swept away in an instant. He wanted to be angry for longer, he wanted to feel the seething pain in his voice as he spat back whatever Jeno threw at him, pay his debts to the sole person responsible for leaving him broken and socially penniless for half his high school life. But he felt nothing but this emptiness as he let his final words trickle from his loosened frown.

With Jeno’s silence filling whatever space between them their supply teacher and his pitiful choice of sweater vests didn’t already take up, Y/N turned and slipped out the doorway, leaving Jeno and whoever was left to watch them stunned, speechless. The only thing he could feel was the withering fire of Jeno’s gaze on his back until he turned the corner, leaving only the sunlight kicked up from the hallway floors in his wake.

By the time Y/N made his way down the corridor, wearing himself down under the trying sunlight and the weathered, beaten down glow of the overhead lights on his shoulders, he finally realized what he had done. The high of confidence seeped from every fiber of his being, fading and washing away almost as quickly as it came in that classroom; the spark in Jeno’s voice that lit his fire was the exact same thing that put it out.

Y/N thought about everything they said, how close they were, Jeno’s tightened fists that threatened to whip up and pull him even closer by the collar. He felt something winding around his chest, something in between all the fear and relief and anxiety that he felt numb to at that moment, it was beating at him so hard he needed to take a breath at the stairwell door.

Finally finding a gap in his thoughts and all the things he couldn’t bring himself to think of, Y/N flicked out his phone again to see Renjun’s text still flashing on his phone’s lock screen:

‘Hey I’m really sorry we couldn’t hang out. I’m still free tonight to make up for yesterday.’

Y/N found himself at a loss looking over Renjun’s text, trying to find breath between every letter and in every line - even if there was only one line. It left him leaning against the doorframe, stuck in its spaces and fidgeting with whatever was left of the fragile golden sunlight that he didn’t rip apart with his still-shaking hands. There was something that Y/N wasn’t seeing, something that he needed to analyze in this, he knew it… What was Renjun trying to say?

However, as Y/N tried to venture deeper into the thought and memories and images behind Renjun’s words, it only made the text even more of an unintelligible blur. There was no reason, or at least one that Y/N couldn’t see without thinking about how Renjun was always ready to admit to mistakes he never made. A subtle - almost teasingly so - simmer of guilt began to course through Y/N, bubble beneath his skin as he could think about it now - how Renjun’s smile always seemed so close to collapsing, as if his stars had been burning too bright for far too long.

Renjun’s been the only light Y/N’s been able to count on, the only star hung in Y/N’s sky that he can still feel safe to wish on. But maybe all of that, Renjun adhering himself to Y/N’s washed-out skies, is what’s leaving him burnt out and worn with his light fading. All of that, all of those things that Y/N had a vague idea of observing, and he still couldn’t figure out why…? He could not think of what he’s done, or what has happened to one of his only friends that makes the guilt and regret run through him, blooming as thorns in his sides.

Y/N wished he had made it more blatant, how much he appreciates Renjun. Rather than giving all of his attention to the ideas of things long gone that he’s still grieving, as if the loss meant anything to the people who seemed to have such ease in loosening the knots of starlit nights that Y/N thought bound them in more than blood and tears and tiny, handwritten notes slipped into lockers on Valentine’s day. He’s grateful for Renjun, and never wanted Renjun to ever bend and twist himself to the rules of a world that they were supposed to be creating together.

Taking out his phone once more, and looking over Renjun’s text that he still hasn’t answered - he wondered if Renjun was looking back through the screen - Y/N didn’t know why this was so hard to answer or respond to. Even now, thinking about how all the throwaway comments that Y/N never looked back at were some of the only things keeping Renjun afloat on his bad days that Y/N never knew about, the guilt swept him up like their coffee-stained Sunday mornings that they were just building a routine around.

With a loosely gathered breath, Y/N tapped into his phone, throwing out a message to a probably paranoid Renjun that ‘it’s fine’ and that he ‘didn’t need to make up for anything. I’m free tomorrow, though, there’s something I need to make up for’.

Y/N had so much to say, so much to talk about; and all Y/N wants to do is to see Renjun standing in front of him and take him in by the shoulders and tell him how much he appreciates him. But Renjun wasn’t here by the time Y/N finally made his way into the school’s front foyer to escape the confines of the classrooms and hallways that seemed to carry a lot more memories that Y/N ever remembered. They always showed up when Y/N least wanted.

His instincts, the ones that gave Y/N those vague, colourless hints of how Renjun always seemed to feel; they seemed to sense Renjun just passing by, his silhouette lost among the twisting walls of the main level’s hallways.

Y/N shook his head, trying his best to avoid the cracks he could already feel forming in his resolve and not fall through. Somehow, it was so much harder to stop the quivering in his hands when Jeno wasn’t there. And Y/N didn’t have anything to distract him from the bitterness that churned in his stomach at the thought of all the things Jeno’s taken from him, at least, until he pushed himself past the flickers of satisfaction upon texting Renjun back and looked up across the foyer.

Practically encased in the copper glow of the sunlight pouring in through the foyer’s skylight, the entrance to the gymnasium stood, painted in the blush of the sunset’s sky. One of the doors was cracked half-open and sounds slowly trickled out, a solitary melody that flittered about in the oddly stark darkness of the gym - echoes of sneakers screeching against the floor, sighs of a basketball slipping through the next almost effortlessly. The faint, but familiar sound of after-hours sports practice brought Y/N closer, dragged him across the tiles. There was something so singular about the sounds as he grew closer, the pounding of a basketball against the scuffed gym floors, how everything Y/N heard weaved in and out of itself so seamlessly, as if it found a rhythm in itself.

Y/N’s school had good basketball players, great even - most of the varsity basketball team was already more than halfway through the doors of some of the best post-secondary sports programs in the state on full scholarship. However, not many assumed a presence like this, as if their intensity was palpable, weighed down the air and peeled back the flourishes of Sunlight leaking in through the half-opened gym door.

And then, a brief shine of red and black flashing through the gap in the open door. All Y/N could think about was that morning: Chenle and the brandish of the morning light against the red and black leather letterman jacket, the warmth of his hands as he helped Y/N up and brushed against his when he neatly tucked Y/N’s books back under his arm.

Chenle’s indifferent, courteous smile that was a shimmer off from friendly; how his eyes lit up in such a subtle way when he made that Joke about Jane Austen; and then the way he brushed it off with a barely noticeable wave as if it never happened - boarding up that window of time where Chenle acted and smiled and chuckled and presented himself in a way that Y/N has never seen.

It all stayed in Y/N’s head the moment they parted ways and swept themselves up into the crowds around them - where Chenle belonged, but where Y/N didn’t.

Y/N didn’t know why, but whatever pulled him closer kept tugging. This unknown impulse he could feel spreading beneath the surface of his skin where his scars and barely healed wounds lay, where the stains of sleepless nights and afternoons of held hands and broken promises he tried to forget settled. It lingered there for a moment with a simmer, a whisper of starlight hidden below the horizon until he finally made his way through the space in the door.

Maybe it was just to say ‘thanks’ for helping Y/N pick up his books and not scramble around in his embarrassment alone, maybe it was something else - that smile that Chenle shone him, it was so different to the ones he saw him put on everywhere else.

He didn’t have time to think about it further, as Y/N rounded the corner to see Chenle dribbling the ball with such precision and speed, burning deliberate, meticulous circles into the gym floor with agile footwork that the whole school was familiar with whenever they crowded on the gym’s built-in bleachers to watch his games, fill them to capacity.

Whether people really knew the person behind that footwork, the heavy breaths that fell to the red and white blur Chenle’s Jordans made as he maneuvered down the court; Y/N didn’t know for sure. Part of him, the pessimist always there in every folded, wrinkled, and torn corner of his thoughts, hopes Chenle didn’t either. He didn’t want Chenle to know the answers to the questions people probably didn’t bother to ask when the game was over.

By the time Y/N blinked in the darkness of the gym - only the faint coral glow of the sunset-lit sky leaking through small, high-placed windows helping Y/N make out Chenle’s outline - Chenle was already weaving in between invisible walls of people and scoring basket after basket until he was but a tangle of red, black, and all the colours of the sky caught up in his hair from his lunch periods spent standing on picnic tables with the people who’ve assigned themselves to him.

They were always loud enough to hear from where Y/N and Renjun would sit, and Y/N would always hear his laughter and think about how it always sounded the same - the faint light of a chuckle, a shriek tearing it apart at its end. It sounded rehearsed, something that he’s practiced almost as much as his half-court shots that he’s been renowned for since he took the basketball team by storm in freshman year.

“Hey-”

Y/N tried to speak up, but Chenle already caught the outline of Y/N’s figure, the momentary stretch of his shadow, from the corner of his eye.

“Did you need something?”

Chenle’s tongue was wring dry, his voice peeled from his breathless chest. He caught his ball as it rebounded off the backboard with his eyes still on Y/N, who was nervously shifting and nearly speechless.

“N- no, I mean…” Y/N stumbled over himself, this felt so different than their interactions just this morning, as if Chenle saw him as someone else. He didn’t know what slight apprehension had been Chenle’s default setting for the last couple weeks - Chenle was waiting for that moment, that indication that he could let down the walls he’s only just now started to build.

He was tired of being the gullible, eager popular guy who’s just looking to be liked, he was tired of being more of a status symbol than a real person, and he was tired of constantly recognizing it just late enough to deal with the way it burned when he was reminded of how lonely he really was.

“I just wanted to say thank you…? For earlier…? Nobody else on the team would be insane enough to practice after hours on a Friday, so I assumed that you were here when I saw the door open.” Scratched at the back of his head, trying to ease his laughter in the space between them, but he was so far that it fell off into the silence Chenle left him in. Chenle was just trying to process what Y/N said, how he said it, the light in his eyes, what was there, what wasn’t there. Everything he taught himself to do, what to look for.

Chenle didn’t want to bother looking at Y/N more than he needed to, but he couldn’t help but hold his gaze on Y/N just a little bit more for good measure. How he was silhouetted by the foyer lights pouring in through the doors Y/N pushed further open, his nervous yet observant eyes, his silence that always seemed to say more than anyone ever has to him.

He found himself remembering the warmth of their interaction from the morning, too. The fragile sparks that ran between their hands as his fingers grazed Y/N’s. That fire, that momentary blooming of light, it was gone the moment he realized it was there.

That’s what that kind of warmth always was to Chenle; transient, fleeting and temporary, always ripped away from him, pulled out from under him the moment he gets used to it, feeling the sunlight’s shine in a way he’s always wanted to. He never could hold the sunset’s golden shine in his hands for long - it always lost its colour whenever he held on for too long.

Chenle figured out the hard way, that the tighter he clung to a flickering flame, desperate to keep it close, the faster it died. Sometimes, he finds himself slipping on the ashes of his dwindled flames every now and then, when he spots the faces of those in the crowds at his games that he shared too much with - stars he flew too close to. They were always there, watching him play; cheering when he scored, yelping when he almost missed, protesting the referee’s calls whenever something would tip just out of Chenle’s favour. But it seemed that they were never there for Chenle by the time the buzzer was beat.

Chenle kept his voice calm and stern as he looked over Y/N and found himself unable to look away, trying his best to remain unforgiving and stern with his response. However, it didn’t stop his words from being any less stupid than how they sounded in his head.

“Really…?”

Chenle’s response left Y/N cocking his head, almost holding back a chuckle until he realized that Chenle was maybe trying to be serious. Was he genuinely surprised…?

“Yeah, really. You kinda saved me from feeling the full force of my embarrassment, so…” Y/N trailed off, he could feel Chenle’s disinterest even from the distance at which he was standing. He started to regret doing the least he could so someone who’s always responded to his existence with something that was always better than nauseating disgust or blatant disregard. Chenle was nice to him, nodding to him in the hallway whenever they sustained awkwardly long eye contact, and even talking Jeno down a couple times whenever things were one misstep away from going too far between him and Y/N. “The least you deserve is for me to say ‘thanks’.”

He wondered why there seemed to be such a sudden turn in Chenle, more importantly, he tried to understand. Chenle wasn’t giving him a lot to work with, though.

Their silence was painful, it almost burned, until Chenle finally spoke into it, fidgeting with the basketball he had between his hands. Now, it was his turn to be uncertain, to look at Y/N and see all the times Chenle wished he could do more for him. Y/N was here to repay Chenle’s ‘kindness’, Chenle knew that, he observed Y/N enough in wayward stares across the cafeteria or in small smiles Chenle would give to Y/N’s back as they would be walking down the hall to completely different classes. Repaying ‘kindness’ was just a transaction that Chenle was never able to get used to for long.

“Uhm…” Chenle felt his guard slowly slipping, and he let it. He’s seen what Y/N’s had to go through, and he rightly assumed that the last thing Y/N would ever want to do was to use Chenle in the ways that he feared. “If you wanna stay and talk, I’m gonna just practice for a few more minutes…”

Y/N tilted his head again, trying to regain his balance from Chenle’s sudden invitation, the shift in the golden tides of sunlight that felt as if they were pulled taut around them. They were loosening, however, and for the first time in the lifetime that passed in the last few weeks, Chenle felt partially okay with that.

Y/N didn’t know what to do, how to handle Chenle’s invitation to spend more time in the gym than Y/N thought. But maybe this was what Y/N needed to take his mind off everything else, wasting a day with someone who wanted to trust him, who wanted to spin sunlight between them.

"I'll wait." Y/N said as he shuffled over to the bleachers, perching himself on its lowest seat with his hands in his lap. By the time Y/N got as comfortable as he could on the bleacher seat’s hard plastic, Chenle already sunk another shot into the net, a rough breath following him as he jogged after the ball. “How’d you make that look so easy? That was amazing!”

“You’re sounding just like everyone else…” Chenle let his words escape him before he could catch onto them and hold them back. Y/N sounded so much like those who’d sing his praises and buy out space to watch his games and parade him around like some sort of vicarious accomplishment, yet still didn’t know his birthday, where he liked to eat to celebrate his wins; sometimes, they knew no more than the last name on his jersey, not even his first.

Maybe the thought of Y/N, the thoughts of Y/N he’s had for a while, were just that. Wishful pleas that gave the benefit of all his doubts.

“Everyone else…?” Y/N tried not to take Chenle’s statement too personally, looking up with still, indifferent eyes that left Chenle feeling worse than if Y/N was hurt by what he said.

“Yes. Everyone else.” Chenle said, feeding into Y/N’s question, rubbing at his temple with his free hand and pinching the bridge of his nose as he made his way closer to where Y/N was sitting.

Y/N watched as Chenle seemed to unravel in his own distress, it was painful to watch. And even more painful not knowing what was causing it. “What d’you mean-”

"So you came in here just to say thanks. You don't want anything...? Nothing at all...?" Chenle didn’t answer the question, all the tension making his ears ring and coiling up in his throat snapping as he just blurted his words out. Voice abrupt and sharp, his breath worn thin in a way he knew Y/N’s never seen.

He didn’t want to blame Y/N for anything, but he couldn’t help but feed into all the speculation he’s conditioned himself into doing the moment someone claims to pay his kindness back, walk up to him with a smile and a compliment.

It was so exhausting, needing to try and see through the eyes of everyone who asks how he’s doing - then again, people weren’t really concerned with how their star basketball player was doing, only how large he made the point difference between their school and anybody else who were looking to dethrone Chenle’s unstoppable force.

“Just to say thanks… Is that such an uncommon thing?” Y/N started to piece things together, and the more he read into Chenle’s crumbling frustrations, the sadder he became. He should’ve known of the pristine veneer that hid all the dents in Chenle’s armour, he should’ve guessed that not everything was like it seemed whenever he could see Chenle’s smile dying before the rest of his team or group or posse or whoever clung to him for social momentum.

“If you only knew…” Chenle said it quietly enough for only the weathered sunlight spilled down his back to hear.

He wanted to know Y/N enough to say it louder, and sometimes, when his subconscious slipped out from under him, he was convinced he did know Y/N. Through Jeno’s rants about this ‘jackass’ talking back to him in a way he knew only Y/N could; the way Y/N’s name was tangled up in conversation whenever he stayed for a little bit too long with the baseball team, and how the person he learned was Y/N’s ex-best-friend, Jisung, would just keep his eyes down before speaking up about a memory he had with Y/N. Jeno would always shut him down, tell him to pick a side before leaving them in a silence that submerged the rest of their lunch period.

Most importantly, it was that one day, freshman year, that made Chenle think the most of Y/N. An evening after last period, the P.E. class they shared, left in the dreadful and awkward silence left to decay in the locker room by Chenle’s basketball teammates. The conversation Y/N and Chenle had to fill in the quiet’s spaces was too cathartic and candid for people who flames to have barely met. It felt like they knew each other beyond stolen glances across morning-lit hallways, and mistranslated stories passed on through middle parties that Chenle would catch onto whenever he took a break from listening to Jeno talk about himself.

However, that was always what happened when Chenle jumped to conclusions, liked people too quickly and dove blindly into waters that were never there for long. He’d convince himself that he had friends, that nobody would want to hurt him - look to cast him away when his shine as a novelty has worn out; he would always recognize it too late no matter how many times it happened. By the time his scars had settled and upon the realziation that there was nobody out there to draw stars and hearts around them, that was when he truly knew how alone he was.

Chenle didn’t know why, but for some reason, Y/N felt different. The way he listened, spoke to him, the way they moved closer to each other on that locker room bench as they spoke, and the way Chenle was welcome to smooth his hands down Y/N’s back as he hung his head under the weight of their words. It was unlike anything Chenle ever experienced, and he found himself wanting something like that ever since. Even now he can feel it, Y/N listening.

As Chenle sat himself down on the bench next to Y/N, water bottle clutched tightly in his hands, he could remember that locker-room conversation as clearly as if a year and a half of social misadventures and placing his trust in the wrong hands countless times didn’t dilute its memory - a held breath in the mundanity of another week.

He remembered YN murmuring about being stuck in a class filled with brain-dead jocks, and Chenle agreeing with a bitter chuckle. He recalled talking about feeling like a sore thumb on that team, and everything he and Y/N tackled about tumbling downhill from there.

Loneliness and Jeno and Jisung, then feeling weak and friendless and Jeno and Jisung and Chenle’s imposter syndrome and people Chenle named but Y/N doesn’t know, then feeling spend and powerless and themselves and the things they never thought they’d let out in the open…

If it wasn’t for Chenle reading Y/N’s shortening responses and shifting gaze - and then their P.E. teacher’s call into the change room: ‘alright lovebirds! Wrap it up in there!’ which made them both sheepishly chuckle - they would’ve kept going and stumbling and falling over all the things they never knew they were struggling so hard with.

They would've kept finding the security in each other's eyes, fed into the unsaid pledges of secrecy that ran between them, moved closer and closer into the obscure sense of comfort that somehow sparked between them. The school's shining star and a mere flicker in the vast expanse of the hallway's sky.

Turns out they were both burnt out, withered lights fooled into thinking they were suns; that they had gravity, light and purpose. But they didn't, they were drifting across the novas of all the others who fed on their glow and their memories and their love and their promises.

“I guess I don’t know.” Y/N said, his voice cutting finely through the silence.

Chenle flinched at Y/N’s response. He didn’t intend for Y/N to hear that, because he knew, to a certain extent, that Y/N did know.

“It feels like I don’t know anything anymore…” Y/N’s voice died down, eyes trained to the notches in the scuffed floorboards and then to the way Chenle’s Jordans swayed idly to the sound of Y/N’s meek whimpers into the sunset-stained air.

“Y/N…” Chenle wanted to find a way to comfort Y/N. His sadness was so palpable, he felt it practically singeing his skin, wherever the sunlight settled.

Y/N caught onto his words a little too late, finding them fluttering remorselessly in the air, out for Chenle to hear. “Oh my God, I’m sorry…” Y/N stammered out, “I didn’t mean to projectile vomit my problems all over you.”

“No, Y/N, it’s okay. Really…” Chenle said, bringing his hand to settle on Y/N’s shoulder. He only realized what he did when Y/N shifted slightly under his touch. “I literally just did, and we’ve done it before. Plus, I think you deserve - at least need - a place to let it out.”

Y/N froze as he began to remember as well. The thick, nauseating haze of body spray dissipating in an instant when Chenle invited him shyly to the space next to him on the bench, the rest being history under their tongues when all of their fractured memories and longing sighs and bitten back words just spilled out of them. He almost forgot how little they spoke, yet how much they knew about each other. They found relief in the most uncommon of places.

“I… Uhm…” Y/N couldn’t find anything to say even when he scavenged for the ones he held back during that unnecessarily deep locker-room talk. “I appreciate it.”

“Of course…” It felt as if Chenle’s response only added to the stillness between them. However, Chenle stayed optimistic - despite everything he needed to do to keep his wounds from flourishing like the torturously persistent weeds that leaked out from the cracks of concrete by the basketball courts just outside the school boundaries. Oddly enough, he felt safe, safer than he’s ever felt in the longest time. He wanted to make Y/N feel the same way, too. “Do you like basketball…?”

“Bitch- what!?” Y/N considered Chenle’s question for a moment, shuddering at the thought of needing to participate in sports. “I haven’t chosen to run since freshman year…”

“Really…?” Chenle’s voice held this sarcastic drawl as a couple more memories from freshman year trickled into his mind like morning sunlight. He recalled lining up with Y/N, Jeno, and a few others that signed up for the freshman league soccer team by hastily arranged wooden benches in the gym that were promptly replaced with the massive plastic bleachers as soon as their new school achieved a sizable budget. The smiles they shone, the ball adorned with their made-up signatures held between Y/N and Jeno - the two best players of the season who seemed to cover and account for each other’s weaknesses so perfectly it was as if they were meant to stand on that front line together.

With the way that makeshift empire came tumbling down sophomore and junior year, though, Chenle wasn’t surprised that Y/N did his best to intercept those hits to his resolve like the punts down the field he would always make his way to before their opponents could. He and Jeno tore apart any defensive line that stood before, almost as meticulously and flawlessly they seemed to do it to each other one summer after.

“What about when you committed literal athletic terrorism on every other school when we were on the soccer team?” Chenle lit his words with a teasing smile that brought a small smirk to Y/N’s face. It wasn’t one of regret or painful hindsight, but one of reminiscence. He and Y/N were on the same team, but with Chenle always a field-length away on the defensive line, they never had much time to talk outside of when they’d accidentally catch each other half-naked, struggling with their cheap jerseys and cleats that were impossible to walk on solid floor with. “I guess a lot’s changed since freshman year.”

That remark that Y/N knew was an earnest attempt at a joke made his emerging smile falter a little bit. Chenle saw it, too, and started to regret the way he said it; his laughter faded almost instantly and he sifted through his thoughts to make Y/N feel better about everything that came rushing at them all of the sudden. It was just like their talk in the locker room, one misplaced step and here they were, tumbling down slippery slopes they’ve spent two and a half years climbing up.

“If you only knew…” Y/N mimicked Chenle’s breathy, laboured words and they both shared chuckles between them.

He just wanted to avoid the recognition of how much really has changed, how a single summer seemed to change their school’s tides as swift as a change in the seasons. The leaves fell and so did Y/N from the grace he was barely assured in the first place, now Y/N but another withered blossom on the sidewalk, trying to slip into the cracks before he crumbles under one too many springtime breezes.

“Hey, I have an idea.” Chenle said, breaching his laughter’s surface for a breath.

Y/N turned to Chenle, his eyes oddly lit up as he was barely able to hold back what he was about to say next.

When they locked eyes, Y/N attentive and listening like he always seemed to be with Chenle, that’s when Chenle’ continued. “How about we take your mind off all this shit? It’s a Friday night and we don’t need all of our woes keeping us up - we have Monday-through-Thursday to mope.”

He buried a chuckle under his breath when Y/N raised an eyebrow, still listening. He didn’t know if it was in anticipation, interest, or if he were just merely humouring him. But Chenle appreciated Y/N keeping his eyes on him, seeming to lightly trace Chenle’s sunlit figure - his hands as they fiddled with his water bottle, the way his sleeves draped over his shoulders, his earnest smile and passionate eyes.

“Let’s play some basketball! I always head to the courts at the end of the lot whenever I need to blow off some steam.” Chenle turned his head over to the back of the gym, the direction in which the basketball courts were, always waiting, as if he could see through the sunset’s glow coating the walls. He looked back to Y/N, the liveliness behind his eyes dying a little bit as he looked over the cringe that began to rightfully bloom on Y/N’s lips - outlined with a copper glimmer by the pretentious, mocking sunlight. “The view of the sunset’s best there, too…” Chenle kept his voice quieter, as if he wasn’t too sure that information was necessary.

He wanted to know if Y/N was more of a sunrise or sunset kind of guy, which one might be better to watch with Chenle by his side as colours from the horizon spilled and bled out into the skies in faint lilacs or coral-stained peonies or the yellow roses of the morning.

Chenle found himself thinking about which of these colours would’ve looked best as shimmers in Y/N’s eyes, at least, until Y/N’s voice tore him away from his trance.

“Chenle…” Y/N said, scratching at the back of his neck, flashes back to his prowess on the soccer team making him wince in disappointment, and those times in gym class - back when he was athletic ‘for fun’ - where he’d always be first pick on a team of people who liked him as much as they feared him on the field. He and Jeno were always on opposite teams because of that, and now, Y/N thinks of facing off with Jeno on the opposite end of the centre line as nothing but a sour sense of foreshadowing. “I appreciate the sentiment, but I literally can’t do sports. I get winded going up the stairs to my homeroom, so think about what would happen if I had to run while operating a basketball, and looking around, and breathing, and existing, and thinking... All at the same time!”

Bracing himself for what instantly came into his head, Chenle let it out with bated breath, already thinking of Y/N’s response - and his many non-responses. “At least I could say that I took your breath away…?”

“That was vile.” Y/N’s words didn’t match his grin, wide and brilliant as he rolled his eyes. His voice was tinged with the flickers of laughter, heavy with the weight of copper sunlight on his tongue. He haphazardly wondered if he’d be able to smile more like this, see Chenle smile along with him as they eased each other of their burdens with nothing but scraps of nostalgia and soft words, if he managed to catch Chenle practicing earlier.

He wished he did.

“But you sold me, let’s go.”

Y/N clung to his sweater as he and Chenle shoved themselves through the side exit of the gymnasium, the careless whispers of the breeze passing by, playing with their hair in heaves and chuckles against their sunlit skin. Their footprints in the field were swept over with each trickle of the breeze that came in through the gaps in the tree-line, carrying with it the coral and copper flush of the setting sun as it rested upon the silhouettes of rooftops and tall pines that jutted beyond backyard fences and lined cobbled paths that Y/N was sure he explored one day - the memories elude him now, and maybe for good reason.

The laughter that tumbled down from Y/N’s smile and probably still blooming in the cracks of the slate and hanging from the canopy of trees that filtered light through the green and yellow and red glass of the leaves that chattered amongst themselves in the wind. Y/N was sure that sooner or later, he would’ve tried to forget what that laughter meant to him, and recognized that he’d never be able to reclaim it.

Shaking his head from his thoughts, Y/N looked over to Chenle, who had his eyes on Y/N the entire time as they were walking over to the courts. Did he say something? Was he supposed to say something? Y/N felt this silent panic overtake him as he couldn’t find anything in Chenle’s eyes to work with, the sunset’s glow that caught itself in his gaze made him look so happy, so carefree, but with the way everything bubbled beneath the surface of the conversation they just had, Y/N didn’t know what to think or if this little session of Chenle tormenting Y/N on the court would take their minds off anything.

It was the thought that counts, at least.

“I promise I’ll go easy on you, if that’s what you're worried about…” Chenle, with one smooth movement that burst out of him like a held breath, he took Y/N in with an arm around the shoulders, bringing him closer. Y/N practically collapsed in Chenle’s comforting touch, barely keeping in mind that they’ve never been this close before. He liked it, though, he felt this warmth surge between them, leak from Chenle’s fingertips as he squeezed Y/N’s shoulder in reassurance with the brilliant smile that was plastered all over the school’s massive screens whenever they’d catch Chenle just after he made a shot in his games.

It was so wide and effortless. He only seemed to shine it in that split second in between then the timer counts down and the buzzer pulls him down from his high, that singular moment of happiness that only lasts for as long as all his senses run dry, his world is only the blurs in the crowds. That smile was there for only a brief moment of happiness and nothing else, and to see it laid out in front of him, Y/N couldn’t help but smile too.

Despite how little they’ve met and how much they seem to know about each other, Chenle felt this sense of freedom around Y/N that he hasn’t felt in the longest time; since the summer freed him from the shackles of his obligations and he was bound to no number on a team, no time to meet up with people who don’t care to know him, no days trying to differentiate between being lonely and alone, if he was both or neither or either or something else entirely. Y/N felt exactly like that, the warmth and weightlessness of the summers where Chenle didn’t feel the need to resist anything.

“Are you kidding? That’s the one thing I’m not worried about.” Y/N crossed his arms, nudging at Chenle’s side with this fake haughtiness in his pressed lips. He could only hold it for so long until Chenle’s scoff brought his smile right back. “Beating you is gonna be the easiest thing I’ll ever do this year.”

“That’s a bold opinion.” Chenle felt his chest swell, not in the ways it did whenever he’d catch onto trash-talk from his opponents across the gym or whenever a ‘joke’ made at his resident picnic table were a bit too pointed for comfort, but with this sweet feeling of pride and content.

He didn’t know if the pride he felt was for himself or in Y/N being unafraid to let a little bit of that sarcasm leak back into his voice, the same sharp melody that traced his rare but golden comebacks that he’d throw back to Jeno in the halls. They would always leave Chenle doubling over laughing until Jeno would finally threaten to shut him up when they reached their history class.

“But it’s okay to be wrong sometimes, I accept that about you.” With a condescending pat to Y/N’s shoulder, his laughter was sent spiralling into the sky when Y/N flashed a pointed glare once more, prodding at his side a little bit harder, but not shying away from where Chenle’s arm still wrapped around Y/N’s shoulders. “I hope you skipped lunch, cause I’m gonna make you eat your words!”

“Again, I don’t know if I should think that was clever or disgusting…” Y/N wanted to humour Chenle, so badly, but seeing his pout as Y/N considered him with nothing but a light eye roll lit sparks under his skin.

“It was fucking great and you know it!” Chenle brought Y/N in closer, arm around his neck, pressing the sides of their heads together as he jabbed his water bottle up into the copper sky, the sunset’s bronze and coral light spilled into the spaces of their breathless laughter, setting alight a glow in their cheeks and smiles. As Chenle looked over to see how delicately the setting sun held all of Y/N’s features, carved them out with such grace, he just couldn’t take his eyes away. “We’ll have the whole night to ourselves for me to work on my already flawless humour.”

All good things come to an end, though, and so did this moment between them when Chenle’s breath was cut short by a rough, bitter snicker from behind them. They both turned around to see Jeno, arms folded over his sweat-laden baseball uniform. Behind him in the distance was a line of his team members, run ragged by the red sands of the diamonds, stains of their hard work caught in their hair down to the auburn scars on their baseball cleats. The team was filing back into the gym and into the changerooms, the mark of the end of their practice.

“I think the only thing ‘funny’ is how you just don’t let up, Y/N.” Jeno titled his head, his teeth already bared in a sneer that seized the sunlight and twisted it. He settled his eyes on Y/N, the weight of his glare already making Y/N waver. But Y/N wasn’t going anywhere, he tightened his fists up in the pockets of his sweatshirt and stood as resolute as he could, trying not to mind the cracks in his confidence he could already feel forming as Jeno’s voice dug in deeper. “I guess you’ll cling to anyone who’ll entertain your bullshit.”

Chenle groaned and shook off Jeno’s gesture with a dismissive eye roll. “Fuck off Jeno, this isn’t necessary.”

“No, I think it is.” Jeno returned Chenle’s contempt, arching his eyebrow and shifting back and forth on his cleats, as if this conversation was nothing but a waste of time for him.

“It’s not, actually.” Y/N stepped closer to Jeno, unwinding his tightened knuckles to fold his arms in front of his chest. His voice was louder now, rougher around its edges, serrated and sharp in a way that both Jeno and Chenle never thought it could become. Even after the altercation in the classroom that still left ashes on Jeno’s skin from the way Y/N’s voice and words clung to him, it wasn’t like this - severe and still growing, the blooming of some monstrous, withered rose. “And maybe you should take your own advice and stop being so desperate.”

“Excuse me?” Jeno matched Y/N’s steps, brushing off how Chenle stepped up to him too, and just focused on finding something to say. He didn’t know why he was here, if he was being honest; his need to reclaim the pride Y/N tore apart in that classroom? Maybe, and Jeno still tried to make sense of it. But he didn’t, he couldn’t, even as he was standing here. That lack of an answer, the senselessness in all of it as he looked into Y/N’s eyes and began to find nothing, it made him even angrier.

He needed something, anything to hurt Y/N. He found himself scrambling, and he knew that Y/N recognized that.

“In case you forgot, I’m not the one who’s still waiting for the best friend I never had.”

“Jeno-” Without skipping a beat in the breeze’s silence, Chenle strode up into Jeno’s face, his face contorted in anger. He took as much pleasure as he could in the way it made Jeno freeze for a slight second. But before he could continue with his arm out and in front of Y/N to protect him from something that could have only twisted the blade in all the scars he knew Y/N was still healing from, Y/N cut him off, pushing past Chenle’s attempt to protect him.

“So, is there a point to this? Or did you just go out of your way to be an asshole, like always?” Y/N’s voice was so subtle, yet so meticulously ravenous, as it tore through the air. It was as if Jeno was speaking.

But Jeno wasn’t speaking, he just stood there with his mouth hung slightly open; and before he could even catch himself out of his stumble of shock, Y/N started once more, stepping closer, giving Jeno no chance to breathe.

“My life isn’t your business.”

“It became my business-”

“When YOU wanted it to!” Y/N’s voice rose, tearing at the seams of the sunset coloured sky, and Chenle flinched as he looked over to see Y/N’s face, a snarl shattering the light of his smiles that rested there just moments ago. There was something that was rising in Y/N, and Chenle didn’t like it. As much as he knew Y/N needed this, as much as he felt like this was something that was worth doing with how long Jeno’s been tormenting him, Chenle hated seeing it.

Y/N’s grimace, the roughness in his voice, the darkness in his eyes as they stared Jeno down, Chenle’s seen all of it before in mirror’s he’s threatened to shatter, he’s felt it in his own balled up fists and the heat that rose in his throat and scorched it. It was like Chenle felt the pain before the others did, the people he wanted to hurt.

Y/N didn’t stop. He jabbed a finger into Jeno’s chest, fearless in the face of Jeno’s furious eyes. “What’s your problem with me, Jeno!? I literally haven’t done anything to you and all you’ve done since I moved here is make my life absolute hell!”

“Well-”

“I don’t give a shit how insecure you are, or what unresolved psychological conflicts you have going on in that non-existent brain of yours. But I’m done being your emotional punching bag and I’m done letting you hurt me!” There was no bumbling supply teacher to put space between them, and Chenle tugging on Y/N’s sleeve could only do so much before he was finally a hair’s breadth from Jeno’s face. Every livid shimmer in Y/N’s eyes matched Jeno’s, and with them, he watched as his words, lit ablaze and enraged, burned into Jeno and all the places that Jeno always tried to never go.

Y/N could feel his chest tightening, a sob threatening to weave between his breath, but he swallowed it. Jeno tried to step up and match him, but he was still held speechless in the grip of Y/N’s words, all his awe and rage failing to sink in fast enough to say anything back.

“I-”

“I’M NOT DONE!” With Y/N’s voice ravaging through the air, anger boiling over, he shoved Jeno back as hard as he could, sending him stumbling to the ground, leaving them all, including Y/N, in a state of shock that rendered them all breathless. Y/N didn’t stop, though, in fact, he was far from done. Chenle surged up to hold Y/N back by his arms, try and calm him down by easing his hands around Y/N’s tightened fists, but before he could realize, Y/N pushed past him and swiped Chenle’s water bottle, its cap already flicked off and sent off into the field. They all knew exactly what Y/N was going to do.

“Y/N, please…” Chenle heard himelf practically whine. He felt powerless even as he was holding Y/N in place.

In that moment, in that field surrounded by the untameable fires of Y/N’s anger and the scattered ashes of what was left of Jeno’s ego, that’s when everything clicked in all the wrong places. Seeing Y/N like this, all Chenle could think about was how it reminded him too much of who he used to be at a time already fallen from the grace of all the lavish praise and claims to friendship and the golds and silvers of promises and success. When he’d lash out at all his fake friends when he found them out too late and cursed everyone including himself, a tangle of cries and fights in the parking lot that never lasted long enough to start; that’s what he was, that was the impression he made in skies he thought were never meant to fit him.

Chenle knew that this wasn’t how Y/N wanted to be, how he wanted to feel or what he wanted to say. The anger between all of them was almost palpable, stung to the touch, but Chenle’s felt it before. The last thing he wanted was for Y/N to feel that same merciless burn in his chest, but here he was, spitting up flames.

It was so hard for Y/N to shove aside Chenle’s pleas to step back. Deep breaths were too hard to take now, and as Y/N said: he wasn’t done.

“I told you to leave me the fuck alone, and obviously you don’t seem to get a fucking hint!”

The way Y/N’s voice warped and rippled across the sky caught the attention of one of Jeno’s teammates, one who lingered at the end of the light just a little bit longer as he saw Jeno split off from them by the door. But he finally gave in to his urges to look over to where Jeno was, his figure and two others cast in shadow as they burned themselves into the treeline and copper sky, someone being suddenly pushed down as something that vaguely resembled Y/N’s voice stretched over a rough, unrecognizable cry.

All of his thoughts and one-sided conversations about Y/N that would always slip out from under him whenever it got too quiet, Jisung felt them seep into his bones, an instinct taking him over. He needed to protect Y/N, something was wrong, and if Jeno had anything to do with how Y/N’s voice twisted up in the sunlight, then something was going to go wrong very fast. He ran over to where the blurs in the distance were, but as he got closer, he was too late in recognizing who needed protecting.

It wasn’t Y/N.

Regardless, Jisung found himself automatically bringing his hands to Y/N’s shoulders, his touch gentle yet desperate on him.

“Y/N! Are you okay-”

“Don’t touch me!” Y/N’s voice was hoarse and merciless and forced Jisung off of him. Only then did Jisung finally turn around, blind to his urges to keep Y/N out of harm, to see Jeno on the ground, utterly speechless, eyes weight down by the way Y/N tore into him with his words. Y/N couldn’t care about Jisung, he didn’t want to. All he cared about was Jeno, giving him what he thought Jeno deserved - his grip on Chenle’s opened water bottle tightening, nearly shattering its plastic pieces in his grip.

Chenle’s tugs and pulls and whimpers of protest were all in vain, Y/N still pulled himself closer to Jeno.

“It’s finally time for me to teach you a lesson for once.”

Y/N, with a jerk of his shoulder, poured all the water over Jeno’s head, soaking every inch of his head and shoulders. The moments in between Jeno’s sputters as he staggered backward from where he was on the ground were just silence. Silence of pure shock, the sky waiting with its breath peeled from the horizon.

Only when Jeno did nothing but stay on the ground, dripping wet, Chenle’s water running down his face like tears, his uniform’s top sticking to his skin, his hair pressed to his head and dangling limply over the withered fires in his eyes. That’s when Y/N finally realized what he did.

Y/N dropped Chenle’s water bottle and finally gave in to Chenle’s pulls backward. He stumbled into Chenle’s arms as they held him not in restraint, but some form of comfort that the sheer force of regret that left Y/N near breathless couldn’t let him feel. All the fire Y/N felt boiling over in his throat dissipated in an instant. All the light in Y/N’s eyes stifled and words tried to bubble up, but nothing came out, a tangle’s-worth of a stutter lodged in his throat, choking him.

“I…” Y/N scrambled for something as Jeno stayed on the ground for what felt like painfully long.

Jeno was still dealing with the shock that ran through him, ruthless and bitter and cold, the breeze shattering on his shoulders, his breath in shudders.

“I’m sorry- I… I don’t know what-”

“Shut up.” Jeno cut Y/N off, leaving yet another dreadful fissure of silence to rip the ground up beneath them. He pulled at his soaking wet collar before standing up, his voice was hoarse, breathless, all his words half-composed as if he was still grappling with the reality of the situation itself. Jeno couldn’t find anything else to say, he couldn’t find the space in his heart - hollowed out by the flames of his anger, surprise and the slightest spark of fear and sadness - to find anything else to feel.

And maybe that was for the best.

“Just… Shut up…”

Jeno’s voice was swept up by the wind as it trickled in between him and Y/N and Chenle and Jisung who just watched him stand. With one last look into Y/N’s fearful eyes, he just turned around and walked away, his sunlit figure - dripping wet and dejected, anything that made him ‘Jeno’ laid out crumbling behind him and the dragging of his steps - disappearing into the distance and behind the gym’s door.

A stifling type of quiet consumed the remaining three who stood above the remains of Y/N’s cries and Jeno’s speechless shock and where all of Chenle’s pleas for Y/N to hold himself back fell in a heap at their feet. Their air around them felt so delicate, as if they tore through the sky as if it were skin, the sunlight bleeding and losing its colour - nobody wanted to stride through the silence. Y/N was trembling in Chenle’s arms, Chenle was doing his best to comfort Y/N despite still processing what just happened, his eyes on Jeno, and Jisung had his eyes on Y/N and all the dissipated anger and fear and sadness and confusion that was in his eyes.

“Are you okay…?” Jisung finally said, his voice cautious and hesitant, then dying down as he saw Y/N flinch at the sound of his voice - one he probably hasn’t heard up close in the year and a half Y/N spent trying to think nothing of all the days together that used to mean so much. It took Y/N a while to feel Jisung’s words settle in, even with the faint hints of feeling that sparked at his fingertips as Chenle was still holding his hand.

Jisung fidgeted in the painful silence he sort of knew he deserved to hear, and looked up to meet not Y/N’s eyes, but Chenle’s as their stares met over Y/N’s shoulders. Chenle’s gaze took on this knowing, unkindly shine as he looked over Jisung and all the regret he could practically feel running through Jisung’s body. He had no sympathy, though, for how Jisung was holding his breath and the suffocating silence, waiting restlessly for Y/N to answer him.

Chenle’s been through the exact same thing, giving everything to someone, only for them to pay it back in silence and unread texts, and leaving them empty-handed with nothing left for themselves. Part of Chenle wanted Y/N not to answer at all; Jisung still hasn’t reached out, he hasn’t answered to Y/N’s sadness, someone who was supposed to be his best friend at one point. He knew, from how Jisung would sigh wistfully as he’d look anywhere but at the group during their lunch, that Jisung wanted to do something but he was scared, holding himself back in fear that it was too late.

But none of that mattered, Jisung’s meaningless intentions lost their gravity the moment he sought a place in Jeno’s entourage over what he candidly shared as a place at the side of ‘the best person he’s ever known’.

The moment Chenle’s eyes ignited into a glare and made Jisung flinch and shift around even more, Y/N finally spoke up.

“I’d give you an answer, but I don’t know if you’d care what it was.” Y/N looked into Jisung’s eyes and knew that Jisung already knew the answer to that. The last year and a half was more than enough of one to begin with.

“Y/N-”

“Not right now…” Y/N immediately batted away Jisung’s attempt to say something, tensing up as Jisung tried to shuffle closer and lay a hand on his shoulder. As Jisung stepped back, sadness rich and dark in his eyes, Y/N felt something tangle in his throat, it laced his voice with something that made it barely audible - a bitter mixture of guilt and regret and anger and agony, something that hurt too much to bite back the longer he looked into Jisung’s eyes. The longer he stared, the more lights in Jisung’s eyes he could see stayed the exact same - it pained Y/N to see that Jisung still managed to remind him of all the things they went through. He couldn’t scrub those memories away now, they stained him like the misgivings of a bad conscience.

Jisung left him with the scattered pieces of all the words they’ve said to each other in the violet hush of the night, all the mornings wrapped around each other on Y/N’s roof, overlooking the first bloom of colour in the sky. Now Y/N’s had to deal with the cuts he’s borne with trying to pick those pieces back up.

“But Y/N…” Jisung stopped while he was ahead. He had no reason, at least no reason that could explain all of his silence. And all of that, the emptiness in his rationale, is what made the pain in his chest burn even more as he looked at Y/N.

“I just need my space.”

And with that, Y/N turned around, Chenle following suit. All Jisung could do was watch as they turned their backs on him and made their way to the basketball courts, only slivers of the setting sun squeezing in between spaces in the house’s silhouettes. Everything Jisung wanted to say taunted him under the darkening sky, his thoughts seeming to echo in the breeze and drown themselves out in the grass beneath his feet. When Y/N and Chenle turned the corner of the school, that was when he never felt more alone.

He finally felt what Y/N did, emptiness and desperation and longing clawed mercilessly at him. He made Y/N feel these things, he forced him to deal with holes in his stories, and tears in his memories. He was too late to mend them and stitch them back together.

Now, here he is, looking over Y/N’s scars, knowing that he turned his back on the best thing he had ever known.

“Hey… Y/N…?” Chenle strode through the silence that the darkening sky and the slightest peek of ivory moonlight beyond the horizon built between them. They were at the basketball courts now, sitting on one of the cement benches bolted to the ground on the court’s edge. The moonlight, as it trickled in from the blacks and violets that began to bleed into the sky, spilled over the concrete, the worn yellow paint that marked halfway lines and boundaries that were more of a suggestion than something anybody who lingered to play on the courts actually followed.

Chenle and Y/N were seated beside each other, overlooking the court and the dandelions that bloomed in the cracks of the pavement and toward the rusted cage of half-deflated basketballs. It seemed as if they were still struggling to process what happened between Y/N and Chenle and Jeno and Jisung, tension that was pulled taut between them now torn, and only sadness was left to take over where all of Y/N’s cries out into the air could still be seen at a distance.

“I don’t know if I liked that side of you…” Despite what Chenle said, he couldn’t look Y/N in the eyes when he turned and followed Chenle’s shrivelled whimper of a voice. He took sudden interest in grinding his shoes against the worn butt of a cigarette, but the way it soundlessly crumpled under his heel brought him back to where Y/N was staring sadly, regretfully at him. Chenle didn’t know if he wanted to continue; the last thing he wanted to do was to make Y/N feel worse. He was supposed to be there to make Y/N feel better, to support him. However, he couldn’t help but think about how conflicted Y/N’s actions left him, and how it hurt so much more to see himself where Y/N stood. “I know you’ve been through so much with Jeno and Jisung-”

Chenle stopped himself as he watched Y/N practically curl in on himself, wedging his teeth into his lip and holding back the sob that would’ve rolled off his tongue like the tears that caressed his cheeks with a shimmer as they fell. Seeing them fall and not knowing if he should wipe them away, it broke Chenle’s heart to see.

“I- I’m sorry…”

“No… It’s okay. The shit I went through isn’t really an excuse.” Y/N shuffled closer to the warmth Chenle’s hesitant words seem to radiate and rested a hand on Chenle’s thigh - welcomed by Chenle’s hand smoothing over his own. There was this hope in Y/N that his touch, the withered sparks under his fingers that could still feel the water he poured over Jeno stain them like crystal clear blood, could somehow remedy what he did, what he said. “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what came over me…”

Even with all the anger Y/N held, all the resentment and fear that built up in him and burrowed under his surface with every time Jeno would pick him apart, Y/N never wanted it to boil over like this - for him to become a product of all the things that hurt him. It made him no better than those who caused him all that pain.

“It was only a matter of time, I know, they put you through hell.” Chenle focused on kneading circles into Y/N’s knuckles with his hands. “It was just kinda scary, that’s all. It’s like you became someone else.”

“I should’ve listened to you, I should’ve stopped.” Y/N tried to bring his hands up to cover his eyes, hide himself in the shame of his balled up firsts and all the marks he made in his palms whenever his nails would have dug into them, but he realized that Chenle was holding one of them. He watched as Chenle turned his hand over, tracing, delicately and cautiously, the indents Y/N left in his palms. Listening to the way Y/N’s voice twisted up in agony, stumbled over itself as Y/N tried to swallow it all behind quivering lips, Chenle felt this unbearable pain stir in his stomach and a heaviness in his throat. “I could’ve stood up for myself another way, I could’ve-”

“It’s okay, Y/N… It happened…” Meeting Y/N’s eyes, reluctantly following his tears and the drops of moonlight they carried, Chenle slid closer, holding Y/N’s hand firmly now in his own. He felt this bitterness swell up behind his words, a sob threatening to tangle up his breath, hold it captive. “Standing up for yourself doesn’t make you a terrible person, you know. I just… I was in that exact position, and I felt the things that you felt and the pain that you had to endure just saying all of those things… It was horrible seeing you go through that much pain too, that’s all…”

“I’m sorry…” Y/N said again into the night-stained air, and drew in a sharp breath that made his lungs burn with the night’s silence. All the guilt that wound up in his chest, though, began to unwind just a little as Y/N looked back at Chenle’s comforting smile - so warm and bright even after all that’s happened to him that could’ve diminished it. Arching an eyebrow with a small smile, Y/N rested back on his hands and looked over Chenle - the moonlight gracefully dancing on his skin, resting in ivory shimmers on his jacket.

Everything from their locker-room talk was coming back to him. How close they were, the hushed sincerity of their voices, how they seemed to connect so quickly it was as if they were always so unconsciously tethered to each other.

“You know a lot more about me than you let on, Chenle…”

Chenle met Y/N’s smile with the brightening of his own, letting out a breathy chuckle as if an agonized whimper wasn’t just stuck between his teeth. “Well, I have to be observant so I don’t place my trust in the wrong people. I can’t worry about fake smiles and broken promises if I steer clear of them…” Heaving out a sigh, Chenle felt his voice begin to crumble once more, feeling a sour, eerie laugh as he opened his hand to Y/N’s feeling their fingers weave together. “The lengths I go to in order to not get hurt, and it still happens.”

Looking back on all those plastic smiles, weightless words, vapid screams of praise and worthless promises that never lasted more than a day before fleeing for the sunset; Chenle wondered how he was able to take it all, how naive he could’ve been to just wait for all of it to come around, expecting the best of them. To the crowds in hallways and clusters of self-proclaimed friends on the bleachers at his games, he was nothing but a symbol of status and affiliation, someone who was an idea, a concept rather than a person.

“And it sucks…” Chenle could feel the tears begin to trip and trickle over his lashes, carving rivers into his cheeks, lingering by his chin before dropping onto Y/N’s hand as it held his. He scrambled to wipe them away as they trembled on Y/N’s skin, but with one, soft yet firm squeeze from Y/N to Chenle’s fingers, he stopped, gathering his breath. Y/N was here, and he wasn’t leaving him, not like everyone else. “It fucking sucks that you know exactly what that feels like… I just stood there and watched all these things happen to you, I felt everything you did. And all I could do was help you with your books and make a stupid fucking Jane Austen joke…”

“Chenle…” Y/N shook his head and brought his hands up to Chenle’s shoulders. “Just because we’re going through the same shit or feeling the same things doesn’t mean you need to take that on some sort of responsibility… You don’t deserve that…”

“But I want to be here for you, just like you’re here for me.” Before Chenle attempted to hide his tear-stained face in his hands, he could see some sort of thought behind Y/N’s eyes. It wasn’t like the reflection and contemplation that shone behind them this whole time, it assumed this brighter shine, one Chenle thought seized to exist when Jeno initially ripped them away from what was supposed to be their breath of relief.

“Then that’s fine, but you don’t owe me anything for just being a friend.” Y/N brought his delicate touch down from Chenle’s shoulders and tipped his chin up to keep their stare bound in one another’s. Y/N felt this sting in his chest as he thought about how much Chenle has given, how much he’s thrown away and how little he’s received back. It might be late for Y/N to help heal wounds, they’ve already faded below Chenle’s surface, but at least he could draw hearts around where Chenle’s needed to stitch them back up all by himself. They could be each other’s gravity, finally help each other stand upright in a world that’s knocked them down and left them confused and disoriented and heartbroken.

Y/N did his best to shake off all the weight of their sadness - he can’t let their guilt and regret eat away at them for as long as it already has these painful last couple years. This feeling, the one that stands hopelessly on the intersection between dreadful realization and immeasurable pain, they’ve grown too accustomed to weaving it in their sunlight in attempts to just deal with it. They can’t let anything stand between them and the sky anymore, what the sky used to mean - what used to mean didn’t matter; what ‘used to’ can’t be what they continue to become anymore.

A look of awe broke through Chenle’s heavy frown as he began to see the beginning of a smirk bloom on his lips. He followed Y/N’s coy gesture to the cracked concrete, and flinched at the way Y/N seemed to leap off the bench with this air of jovial glee. It was such a departure from how they both knew they were feeling, but Chenle felt himself leaving the heaviness in his heart behind as well.

“But what you do owe me is the one-on-one you promised.” Y/N said, and smiled when Chenle’s mouth hung agape. “Unless you’re afraid that I’ll completely destroy you.”

“You…? One-on-one me…?” Chenle stood in awe of Y/N’s assured tone and cocky smile and the way he pranced over to the rusted cage of basketballs and sifted through them to find one that was slightly more above-average than the others. Even as he came back, fumbling with it as he dribbled, he carried with him that made Chenle hesitate on his words with a giggle. “Are you sure about that?”

“I don’t believe I stuttered, Zhong Chenle, now let’s get this over with so we can have more time to salvage your ego.” There was a sweetness at the end of Y/N’s words as he shuffled up to Chenle - an open-mouthed smirk still lingering with his genuine surprise - and cocked his head, twisting the blade of his sarcasm into where a faint flush crept up on Chenle’s neck. “C’mon, number five, let’s go.” Y/N lifted his eyebrow, a fake sneer on his lips, and with it, Chenle’s smile only grew wider, brighter.

Chenle craned his neck to crack it, a breath trickling from his tensed jaw and crooked smile as he shrugged off his jacket, and in one, frustratingly smooth movement, he wrapped it around Y/N’s shoulders and pulled him in closer. The way the cocky glint in Y/N’s challenging smile instantly faded away, settled beneath the night and just left his widened eyes and eager grin, it made Chenle want to bring him closer, make the space between them that much more negligible for the moonlight to fit in between them. Chenle’s voice was low and quiet, and he raised a hand to run it through Y/N’s hair with a teasing smile. “You have no idea what you’re getting into, do you…?”

“No, sir, I do not.” Y/N bounced on his heels to adjust the jacket Chenle slung over his shoulders, shoving his arms through its sleeves and already flaunting it as if it were his. He was too focused on dribbling the ball and not looking stupid in his fit of boldness to see how Chenle’s eyes lingered over him and how his jacket managed to fit Y/N so perfectly, drape down from his shoulders, catch the moonlight in the wear and shine of its leather. Y/N’s voice brought Chenle out of his trance, but only briefly, as when Y/N turned around with Chenle’s last name and jersey number on his back, Chenle found himself falling right back into it. “Now let’s get going so I can score a goal or whatever.”

“You mean a ‘basket’?”

“Yeah, that’s what I said.” Y/N brushed off and shooed away Chenle’s laughter. “Get ready, ‘cause imma make the biggest play of your career-”

Y/N could barely get a feel of the basketball beginning to already deflate in his hands as Chenle surged up and stole the ball right out of his grip. He charged the net and flung his arms up, the ball carving an arc, settling in the sky only briefly as a dim, auburn moon, and sinking into the net. The ball fell right back into Chenle’s hands as he stood, proud and the perfect amount of conceited, under the net’s torn fringes - the ball seemed to be pulled into his effortless gravity, the same one that Y/N felt himself being drawn to as he made his way closer to take the ball back.

But Chenle wasn’t going to make it that easy.

“I’m still waiting for the play, Y/N.” Chenle kept the ball out of Y/N’s reach when he stretched himself out to reach it. And, almost comically, Chenle held Y/N at a distance with a hand to his chest, watching with glee as the most beautiful pout made its way onto Y/N’s face as he stopped his efforts and gave in to Chenle’s touch.

“Do I at least get an assist for that one?” Y/N cocked his head with an annoyed huff, smiling again when Chenle brought him closer and placed the basketball between their hands. Their hands overlapped briefly, Chenle’s touch settling in the grooves of Y/N’s knuckles as if they were always meant to fall into place. They kept each other there for what felt like a brief moment, enjoying the silence between them and how the sparks between their fingertips, running under Chenle’s hands as he slowly and tenderly traced over Y/N’s.

He let go for Y/N to take the ball, and as Y/N reluctantly drew his hands back but didn’t move back from him any farther in fear of losing this feeling that’s running between them, setting alight the sparks in their eyes and the brilliance in their sheepish smiles; they couldn’t help but feel the shadows of their touch dancing with them.

“Of course you do…”

No matter how little they got done, or their misshapen attempts at getting Y/N to actually play the game, they’ve already worn the night thin with their laughter, voices nearly crumbling beneath them, hanging off the tips of their tongues as moonlight settled on their backs. The indigo glare of the sky leaking into the air they breathed, silver starlight pouring from weathered seams on the horizon and pooling in the cracks of concrete that Y/N’s stumbled over - and Chenle’s caught him from; it was all just a backdrop. An elaborate set propped up around them to give colour and feeling to emotions they thought were too good to feel for this long.

Their chests burned with their laughter as they ended up playing with each other rather than against each other, tearing out rules and writing in new ones as they went to the point where Chenle didn’t even know if they were playing basketball anymore. Y/N still had Chenle’s jacket on, and Chenle was teaching him how to finally shoot the ball without needed to run out into the moon-stained fields in order to get it back - despite Chenle’s favourite feeling being when they left the field with an ivory shimmer caught on their skin whenever they would end up threatening and play-fighting with each other rather than getting the ball that sat nearly forgotten.

Chenle had his arms wrapped around Y/N as he guided his arms and the ball in his hands, and made sure to be extra patronizing just so he could see Y/N’s beautiful, moonlit pout.

“So, do you wanna try actually playing the game now?” Chenle patted Y/N’s sides before reaching out to catch the rebounding ball. He stepped back to toss it between his hands, and looked up with a grin as he saw Y/N’s face, twisted slightly in awe and mock offense of Chenle’s pestering. Y/N couldn’t stay annoyed at Chenle for long, though, with the way Chenle’s teasing smirk shone just right.

“Bitch-” Y/N pressed an accusatory finger toward Chenle, taking the ball from his hands before making his way out to the center of the court. He dribbled the ball cautiously, but still held with him this look of confidence and brashness that only made the laughter Chenle attempted to hold in wind up tighter in his chest. “Now that I know how to dribble the ball, you better fucking watch out.”

Without warning, Y/N charged up to the net to try and score, but Chenle instantly met him halfway with a smile, blocking his angles. When Y/N attempts to pivot away from Chenle’s reach, he stumbles over himself, and Chenle was too close to catch them and keep their balance. Y/N curled his arms around Chenle’s head to protect him as they fell, but they barely impact of his arms and Chenle’s back and hips and legs against the concrete as Y/N landed on top of him. They were too focused on how close they were to one another, the hair’s breadth of space that that kept their embarrassed smiles apart, Y/N’s hands on either side of Chenle, legs seizing his waist, the stillness of the moonlight as it seemed to gasp in its places above and between and around them.

That moment where they stayed frozen crumbled beneath them when Y/N flinched back, frightened at himself and helpless as a deep flush overtook the colour in his cheeks - tortuously bright and vibrant, sunset-stained roses showing Y/N’s embarrassment even through the lilacs of the night that bloomed around them. He finally unwound his arms from where they were wrapped protectively around Chenle’s head, and he finally leaned up enough to watch the grin that spread across Chenle’s lips. The way it shone so relentlessly, it only made Y/N want to bury his flushed, burning hot face in his hands.

“I guess I really did need to watch out, huh…?” Chenle stopped Y/N before he could do that, though, taking Y/N’s hands in his own, bringing them back down to the concrete, Y/N’s palms pushing up against his, the warmth that flourished between them faded away into the night-stained coolness of the concrete. He watched the glimmers of panic rise in Y/N’s eyes, one by one, and Chenle couldn’t help but drown in them with a snicker as Y/N did nothing to move himself away. They were just laying there on the jagged, scarred surface of the asphalt, the only thing between Y/N and a concussion being Chenle and his irritatingly bright smile and teasing gaze and sarcastic voice.

Y/N wedged his teeth into his lip before he could stammer out an apology, and Chenle just looked at him silently, a smirk on his face as he untied their hands and let them amble about in the still small space between them.

“Oh my God- Chenle, I’m so sorry! I- uhm… I don’t-”

Y/N’s panic was too much for Chenle to bear, he needed to find something, anything to filter it all out - the quivering in Y/N’s hands, the fading of his words. The way Y/N’s flush ignited under the starlight, though, it just brought Chenle closer and closer as if it had its own gravity. He couldn’t help but be pulled in the only direction he’d ever want to be - closer to Y/N.

“Hey!” Chenle reached out in an effort to bring an end to Y/N’s painfully incoherent murmuring, and held Y/N by his cheeks, bringing him closer, ever closer. “You can stop now, or I’ll give you something to be sorry about.” He didn’t realize what he said until the shock in Y/N’s eyes, the way his blush burned to Chenle’s touch in the most blissful way possible, gave way to bright, coy shimmers and a smirk that made Chenle pause and read the words he left hanging in the thinning air between them.

Y/N’s hands made their way up Chenle’s chest to his shoulders and settled in the curves of his neck, and everything hung still once more - the moonlight midway through its shine, indigo petals falling from the sky, twines of silver starlight tangling up between them; bringing them closer, closer and even closer.

“Alright, then make me.”

Everything around them turned to blurs and flashes as the shine on their smirks were caught between their teeth by the entwining of their lips. Chenle’s hands wound up in Y/N’s hair as he took the back of Y/N’s head and tugged at the collar of his jacket.

They were expecting it, they wanted it, but everything that followed happened so suddenly. The feeling of sparks dripping from the corners of their lips and down their chins faded and quickly as they noticed their burns. When they pulled back and looked silently at each other, though, everything came rushing back to them with this numbing sweetness and stifled their senses, tying their gazes together before pulling them in to dive into each other’s waters once more.

It was as if they couldn’t keep away, they were constantly swept over by the way they reduced moonlight to ashes and how they wore starlight thin and painted their jaws and necks and cheeks with it.

That flash of warmth between their lips - like the breaking of dawn, the brief shine pearls in the sunlit sky - felt and tasted of horizons they had yet to see. It burned, stung and scorched them as they bit it back when Y/N pulled back once more and held his breath over Chenle’s still parted lips. They could feel something bursting through their veins, running through them with the spark of golden sunlight, soaking his skin in what felt like an endless summer that ran beneath their surface, already carved their initials into June’s skies before they slipped out from under them, dying fields they’ll dance in the colours of the intoxicating flush running under Chenle’s touch as he held Y/N’s face in their beautiful silence, inches from his lips - breath still, mouths unmoving.

Y/N was the sweetness of the wildflowers that carried on the breezes Chenle would ride on his walks by the coastline, his eyes like starlit skies and crystal waters and the pearls of morning dew or that brief moment of silence between the changes in the horizon’s colour. He was everything that reminded him of how big the world was and how much he’d need to grow if he’d ever want to accomplish those far-fetched childhood dreams and finally conquer it.

Chenle couldn’t help but melt under the light of Y/N’s bright smile, feeling its radiance between his teeth when Y/N leaned in and pressed a brilliant, gentle kiss to his lips once more. If Y/N looked this beautiful when he was happy, then Chenle wanted to make him the happiest man all the time.

“I guess you did make me…” Y/N murmured into Chenle’s parted lips, nearly collapsing into the giggle that stained the corner of his mouth. When the numbness of his senses finally burned away with the feeling of Chenle’s hands kneading into the back of his neck, every sensation before the stars between their teeth aligned came flooding back in pools of the moonlight they left in shreds around them.

Y/N didn’t notice the roughness of the concrete beneath his knees, and Chenle couldn’t feel its jagged, marred surface prodding at his back until he shifted under the weight of Y/N’s hips on his - what left him blissfully numb for this long.

“Oh crap- we literally kissed on concrete… How romantic…”

“Nothing says ‘romance’ quite like pebbles down my shirt, and your hands up my shirt at the same time.” Chenle pinched at Y/N’s reddening cheeks before taking Y/N’s hands as he clambered off of Chenle’s waist. He uttered an animated groan as Y/N helped him up. “It’s okay, Y/N,” he could see the embarrassment on Y/N’s face and tried to comfort him. Maybe he could if he held Y/N’s face again and see what follows this time… “I could barely feel it anyways.”

“Still, I’m sorry-” Y/N was cut off as Chenle grabbed him by the collar of the jacket slung around his shoulders and pulled him close. Chenle smiled as Y/N held his breath, and took all the air they kept trapped under their tongues between their lips once more. “Maybe I should say sorry more often.” The sweetness of Y/N’s eager smile as he pulled back with it plastered on his face, it was almost too much for Chenle to bear.

“Maybe… But I want us to stop being sorry for shit. We spent too long feeling sorry for the things people did to us.” Chenle playfully jostled Y/N around by his grip on Y/N’s collar, but Y/N could see this seriousness behind Chenle’s eyes.

“You’re right.” Y/N said, looking down to where the tips of their shoes touched, Y/N’s tattered sneakers creasing the front of Chenle’s pristine Jordans.

He tried to think about the truth in Chenle’s words, but the moment he settled the weight of his thoughts onto them, Chenle nudged Y/N’s chin up again and fixed their stares together. Chenle couldn’t stand one more of Y/N’s downcast gazes.

“You know what?” Y/N raised his head, scrunching his nose at Chenle’s giggle as they took a moment to soak themselves in this feeling of weightlessness - one they’ve spent so long searching for, longing for. “Something I’m not sorry for is how good I look in your jacket.”

“I’m not sorry for how amazing you look, either…”

Chenle cupped Y/N’s face again, leaning in to tie their tongues together. His endless fall into the gravity of Y/N’s smile has only just begun, but he already knows that he’ll never want to escape the clutches of Y/N’s soft touch and loving eyes and bright laughter. It stained him with all the sunsets they’ve missed looking blindly for the ones taken away from them, standing here before Y/N - Y/N standing here with Chenle - it was a promise of something new; the golden slates of evening skies wiped clean of all the times they’ve tried to fold them over, rip and tear at them, erase them and leave nothing but midday coloured smudges on their consciences.

They were finally ready to take a leap, fall from grace together and find their own wherever they landed.

It was hard for Y/N to build his words up with the way his radiant grin stretched them out and wore them down - each and every one of their kisses left him more breathless than the last. “Let’s head to my place? It’s not far of a walk…”

Y/N didn’t even need an answer, as Chenle instantly turned around after fixing his jacket over Y/N’s shoulders, and followed in the moonlight’s footsteps - already letting them be led by nothing but blind faith and dimly lit intersections.

“That sounds great…” Chenle said before just crossing the threshold between the court and the sidewalk that wrapped around the school’s border; there was some unfinished business, and it involved finally watching that ball sink into the net one last time. A victory lap with Y/N there to cheer for him. “One last shot though!”

From now on, looking into the bleachers, wondering if he could find a single shine of legitimacy among those faceless colours in the audience, were nothing but a scattered, faded memory. Y/N was here now, he was going to be front and center at every single one, he’d look into the bleachers, find the brilliant shine of his smile - letterman jacket around his shoulders - and feel the world turn in his orbit. Everything would feel right for once, the pieces that would never fit together now falling into place like the way Y/N’s laughter fell on his ears, or the way he fell so deeply for all of the things he always wanted to know about Y/N.

“THIS ONE’S FOR YOU!” Chenle screamed into the night sky, tearing it in two as he dribbled the ball a couple times, felt its rough surface under his fingers. He thought about how he’d shout that every time he’d find himself at half-court, ready to beat that timer again and again, right to where Y/N would be sitting. Swinging himself back, Chenle leapt up and lobbed the ball into the air, it’s perfect arc stilling the world on its axis like it did in those split seconds Chenle felt were made for him.

They both watched, Y/N in slight amusement, and Chenle in complete and utter horror as the ball completely missed the net. It sailed into silence, and with a blunt, echoing bounce against the concrete that was almost too painful to pay attention to, the ball rolled off into a patch of grass to lay lifelessly. It practically deflated in its own disappointment, and it left Y/N and Chenle in this shattering silence that left the stars snickering between each other with its merciless glow against the emptiness of the net, the dull shine of the ball as it laid just out of the shadows and right for Chenle to keep staring at.

“Wow…” Chenle’s voice was wrung dry of its sound. It was swiftly overtaken by Y/N’s cackling; and Chenle wasn’t even mad at it, its melody was somewhat comforting. He didn’t need to share this embarrassment alone with only the moonlight to pay witness to it. The ways Chenle is probably going to be teased for this will be endless - he won’t hear the end of it until he does something else monumentally humiliating.

“For me…?” Y/N heaved out, his squeak-like laughter and wheezes at the way Chenle’s embarrassed pout seemed to deepen only leaving his words even thinner. He curled over, rested his hands on his knees and took a sharp, rough breath in. “You shouldn’t have!”

“I’m so embarrassed…”

“I’m embarrassed for you.” Y/N struggled to control his chuckles, even as Chenle jogged up and assumed his rightful place next to Y/N and continued their walk away from the court - now with more reason than ever; to escape this hell-hole of embarrassment that Chenle graciously blessed Y/N with. “Fuck, I should’ve recorded that.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Chenle rolled his eyes and slipped his hand in the rear pocket of Y/N’s jeans. He hoped that he could get Y/N to stop laughing for even a moment as they made their way down the sidewalk and away from where that ball was - and will probably lay for whoever came to play in the morning to look at and probably double over in their own second hand embarrassment.

“I can see why you’re not on the baseball team…” Y/N’s words were left to hang in silence until he reached back and patted at Chenle’s hand, the one still wedged in Y/N’s back pocket. “You really like to skip those bases…”

Y/N snickered at the way Chenle shook his head in this mocking approval, only to tighten his grip on what he could hold from Y/N’s pocket. Chenle just pulled him closer, burying a kiss and a chuckle in Y/N’s hair.

They both looked up to the sky, and somehow, the pinpoints of ivory stars that looked as if they were weaving swathes of the night’s blue velvet together seemed to look so much brighter. They barely needed the streetlights to guide their way home, just the solace they could finally find in silence, a silence they’ve been trying to run away from. But they’ve spent so much time wasting away, wishing they had more to realize that they were just waiting for the right person to make the quiet feel like peace, and not like loneliness.

It’s been a while since Y/N could be lonely together with someone, since he could sign his name in the byline of his skies without flinching at the space that the horizon had left to fill. However, with Chenle’s hand in his, he’s finally sure that he could take his time in writing in the rest - there was a name next to his, now, that was never going to leave.

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erzulieanazare · 3 years ago

Text

Black Bile - Mark Lee (P. 1)

Mark Lee x Cho Hyulbin / Mark Lee x Y/N

Warning: angst / mature themes

Words: 7k+

Love is a complicated emotion at all stages of life. But when you are a young adult, letting life crashing on you while having little to no control over what is happening, it can be described as a little more than complicated. hyulbin had learnt it the hard way, Mark also had learnt it the hard way, just like you had learnt it the hard way. And just like life, just like love and just like nights, this has to end.

Chap 2

It was still dark outside.

Her window was slightly open; she liked the way the soft winter breeze would travel against her naked arms, making her shiver slightly. She was staring at the wall of the building next to hers. The streetlights created shadows that danced hazardously on the cemented surface, sometimes disappearing when a car passed by with its harsh flashlights on. It was hypnotic yet grounding.

She sighed and turned around, preferring the view of her closed closet decorated with many Polaroids of sceneries and her friends. While another sigh left her lips, she closed her eyes, letting her exhausted body fall into a restless slumber.

___

She woke up as tired as before, it was 9 am.

An unknown feeling was weighing on her, making her feel like she could gladly spend her day in bed, just sleeping. Everything was a blur and an annoying buzz was messing with her ears, making her brain aches for relief. However her self-pity party was cut short when her phone began to blow up with texts, reminding her that they had to meet in about an hour to talk about Renjun’s birthday. Of course she hadn’t forgotten; she couldn’t forget even if she wanted to, the boys made sure of that.

___

The violent wind was messing with her hair and she was shivering under the hundred of layers of clothes that were covering her petite figure. Seoul was way too cold in winter, she hated it.

By the time she finally saw them in a café, her nose was red and her cheeks were fairly pink. They were sitting at the back with their drinks already sitting in front of them.

“Hey!” her voice was thin and raw due to the incredibly icy weather.

“Told you she was going to be late!” Haechan said as he rolled his eyes, gaining a small slap at the back of his head. He whined, as always.

“Sorry that I live farer than any of you here.” She finally sat down next to Jaemin, gazing harshly at the younger.

“Don’t be overdramatic Hyulbin, you aren’t even living on the other side of the city. We are practically neighbours.” The young woman only stuck out her tongue at Jeno who was fiddling with his straw while exposing her. She ordered her usual Latte and started taking off her coat when Haechan ran his fingers in her bang, trying to tame it.

“Did you go through a storm?” she didn’t respond, Jaemin cutting her before she could even open her mouth.

“So everyone please focus! We are here to talk about Renjun’s surprise birthday party. This is really important!”

“I’m pretty sure he is aware we are doing something.”

“Stop being so pessimistic Jeno, would you? Anyways, we have a lot to talk about.”

“More than your brain can take.” Hyulbin extended her hand to high five Jisung who just disrespected the president of Renjun’s-most-amazing-surpise-birthday-party.

“Why are we even doing it now? It’s in a month, we have a lot of time ahead of us.”

“That’s why you never finish your assignments on time Haechan.” retorted Jaemin while running a hand in his dark hair. He finally sat down and took out his phone to show the list of things that would be needed. He was probably more excited about it than Renjun would ever be.

“I want the same please!”

Hyulbin tore her gaze from Jaemin’s screen to look at the boy bringing a chair next to hers. He smiled at her, like he always did. She smiled back.

“Mark! How did you manage to arrive later than this crackhead?” Haechan complained as he extended his hand to high five the older boy.

“Sorry, I didn’t sleep that much last night and I tried to finish an essay before coming, so I kinda forgot…” He said as he made his signature handshake with everyone.

“What kept you up huh?”

He only blushed, avoiding anyone’s gaze by staring intently at Jaemin’s phone that was emitting a soft light.

“Nothing.”

___

Hyulbin was focusing on making the best cookies she had ever made. Well it wasn’t working that well because apparently they shouldn’t have been this dark while coming out of the oven. $Will she ever be able to cook something edible?

“It probably doesn’t taste that bad?” she tried to reassure herself, maybe it was only a little bit more coloured than it should be? It’s not that tragic, she thought. However, after taking a bite, she could only conclude that it clearly was that tragic.

“She won’t know if I buy some…” she would clearly know considering the lack of skills in cooking Hyulbin had.

She thought of trying again, maybe they would taste better, but the front door opened violently, hitting the wall. Suddenly, a high pitched voice screamed and appeared right in front of her.

“Hyulie!” the young woman was wrapped in her coat, her cheeks as red as the converse she was wearing. She opened her arms, the most beautiful smile on her lips.

“Hina! I thought you were landing later!” Hyulbin screamed while hugging her bestfriend. Hina hugged her back while balancing them both from right to left.

“I know right? My plane took off earlier than it should have because of a storm, so here I am. I missed you!” she was giggling when she finally let go of her roommate.

“What were you doing?”

“Cookies, or it was supposed to be cookies.” Hina looked at it then closed her eyes and grimaced. She turned around to face Hyulbin and smiled.

“I heard that the Starbuck’s ones are good.” The Korean girl rolled her eyes and pretended to be hurt by the Japanese’s comment.

“How was Japan?”

“It was great to finally see my family, I missed them. I missed Japan too, it was great to be there again, but a month is long and I missed you all so, so much! Is it strange if I say that I wanted to come back here as fast as I could?”

___

“And it’s such a cute dog, I’m happy they got it.” Hina added while biting on a slice of pizza. They were sitting on their couch, watching a romantic drama, light dimmed to make it comfier.

“Anyway! What about you? Anything happened?” she was emptying her coke faster than the speed of light, whining when the bubbles made her eyes tear up. She finally looked up to focus on Hyulbin, her famous soft smile plastered on her face.

“No, not really. Just Jaemin being hyper because of Renjun’s birthday and Haechan getting on my nerves. The usual.”

“Seems boring.”

“It’s not! Just the college life you know…”

“That’s what I said, boring.” Hyulbin pouted and threw a cushion at Hina, unable to hide her smile longer than that.

“Jaemin is hyper?”

“Do you even hear yourself? It’s Jaemin we are talking about, he always is…” Hina laughed and smiled to herself still picking at the napkin.

“Please, I want to throw up just by looking at you.”

“You are way too dramatic Hyul!”

“You are the reason of it.” Hina rolled her eyes and got up in order to get another coke. She was addicted to the overly sweet drink.

Hyulbin straightened up and wrapped herself more in the soft plaid. She was full, they had ordered way too much pizza. She threw her head back trying to ease her stomach. However, her small moment of peace was disturbed by a small ding originating from her phone. She took it out, her eyes fixated on the text she just received. She typed back, waiting impatiently for an answer.

Her eyes didn’t leave the screen even for a second.

“You should stop you know? It’s going to hurt you Hyul.”

___

It was finally lunch.

She had tried to pay attention to whatever Mr. Han was talking about but the way her stomach was clenching was making it harder. She needed to eat. That’s why she was one of the first to exit the classroom, ready to sprint towards the cafeteria. That was until Haechan caught her arm, rambling about his oh so hard life and this teacher that hated him or whatever. Hyulbin was ready to knock him but refrained because he would only complain more and she didn’t think she would be able handle it with an empty stomach.

“Yeah, your life is so hard Hyuck!”

“Stop using your fake concerned tone, that’s mean.” He whined while pushing her a little. By the time they arrived at the cafeteria, she was seriously considering choking him. They took their plates, and searched for any familiar faces.

“Look, they’re here.” She nodded and followed the younger boy towards the table near the window. Hina was sitting in front of Renjun, deeply focused on whatever they were talking about. Mark on the other hand was focused on his phone, eating slowly.

When they finally set their plates on the table, Haechan smacked Mark, earning an annoyed groan and a not so soft kick on his leg. Again, the younger whined.

“Why are you even surprised at this point? Every time you go and annoy someone, then you complain.”

“Oh please, at least I’m not some kind of cold bitch who looks at everyone as if she were ready to freeze them on the spot. Can’t say the same about you Hyul.” He said while throwing a small carrot at her.

“You are so damn irritating, no wonder you’re still single!” she threw the newly arrived carrot at him. Back at the expeditor some would say.

“You are single too!” He said offended.

She looked up when she heard those words, meeting Mark’s eyes. It only lasted a second but it was enough to make her a little bit uncomfortable. He shifted his gaze towards Haechan who was talking, yet she couldn’t do the same, her eyes focused on his face. He looked welcoming, warm, all these charming things that made everyone melt.

“So this girl from my math class was like ready to-“

“Hey guys!” a deep voice interrupted Heachan.

“You really couldn’t wait for me to finish Jeno ?”

Jeno rolled his eyes at Haechan’s comment and patted Hyulbin’s head affectionately. She smiled at him and shifted to make him some room. However he kept standing, pushing an unknown girl towards them.

“This is Y/N, we have some classes together.” you smiled when Jeno introduced you to the small group. The boy with a round face and a glowing skin moved his bag from the chair next to him and gestured you to seat down. You thanked him politely.

“I’m haechan.” He smiled. You nodded and shook the hand he was stretching at you. “And this is Hyulbin, she is just genuinely mean.”

“Hyuck, sometimes I just want to punch you right in the face…”

“See! Mean.”

The girl in front of you sighed and smiled at you, introducing herself gently. You were amazed by her looks; she looked fierce, strong with her dark bangs falling right above guarded eyes. Her smile was still genuine though, pink lips stretched into showing a perfect set of teeth. Her locks were trapped into a quick bun, but she still looked pretty fancy. She looked so delicate. You were a bit envious but you knew better than that. You had your own style, your own attitude. You were more on the solar side, wide and glowing eyes, messy hair and a communicative laugh. You were beautiful in your own way and you knew it, you were warm and welcoming.

“Alright, Y/N, this is Mark, he is a year older than us, well not all of us. Hyulbin and Mark were born on the same year so…” you nodded and looked at the boy who was already looking at you. He shone, he was literally glowing in your eyes, so when he proposed to high five you, you blushed and hesitantly connected your hand to his.

“It’s good to finally have another girl here. These two are way too annoying. Especially her.” added Haechan who was sitting next to you. He was pointing towards another girl, sitting next to Hyulbin. She turned around when she heard him.

“I’m glad to know that I’m not the most annoying here.” Hyulbin responded with sarcasm.

“Easy to do when Jaemin is around, Hina practically becomes a sasaeng.” Haechan put down his spoon, widening his brown eyes. “Oh Jaemin is so good at this! I just found out what is his blood type!” He had taken an annoyingly girly voice, supposedly mimicking the girl in front of him.

She huffed. “You are so dumb…”

“Sure.”

Mark who saw your confused look, poked your arm to grab your attention. You quickly turned your head to see him bending towards you.

“It’s Hina, the girl over there. I don’t think you two got introduced.” He then slowly got back to his initial position.

Your heart was beating faster than you would like to admit, he was considerate. He had seen your small struggle but made sure to help you. It was nothing really, but you were easily moved by these kinds of gestures. So you bit your lower lip and tried to hide your smile.

“Hina! Seriously come back, are you really mad? You’re too sensitive! That’s why I maintain that Hyulbin is less annoying than you!”

The loud voice of Haechan brought you back to reality, and the whine after being smacked on the arm by the fierce girl in front of you grounded you.

“Let her be, would you?” she stood up and sighed. She waved at everyone, even at you, and followed Hina who was leaving the cafeteria with a pout on her cute face.

___

The library was basically empty.

You were alone, reading a poetry book your friend had recommended you. It was nice and not too complicated, ideal to relax. The light coming from the nearest window was casting a soft shade of orange on you, allowing you to bath in the rare warmth the winter sun accepted to give.

“Look who’s there!”

You quickly looked up, surprised by the voice coming from behind you. A soft smile painted your lips when Mark finally appeared in front of you, throwing not so gently his bag on your table. He was not alone; a tall boy with dark hair was standing next to him, a radiant grin on his face.

“Right, you two never met! Jaemin this is Y/N.” so this was Jaemin?

“It’s nice to meet you.” He smiled at you and sat in front of you.

“So it’s you? I’ve only eaten once with them yet I feel like I’ve heard your name a thousand times.” You giggled when he turned to Mark, confused. The older only shrugged and finally sat down.

“Hina was there, and Haechan…”

Jaemin blushed lightly, groaning and messing his hair. He was embarrassed or shy, he and Hina must have had something going on but you were not sure if you should have asked seeing as the boy seemed already overwhelmed with this small teasing.

“What are you reading?” asked Mark distracted by the dots of light adorning the table, some sunrays must have been reflecting on Jaemin’s watch.

“Some book my friend recommended.” He nodded slightly.

“Are they a literature student?”

“Oh no, he is just an old friend from where I lived. He just likes poetry I guess.” You said while closing your book to focus on the two boys in front of you.

“Huh? Are you not from here?” Jaemin was looking at you surprised.

“Ah, no. It’s just that I’ve lived in Canada for a long time, I’ve just moved back here recently.”

“You are from Canada? Me too! I’m from Vancouver.” Mark was looking at you with the biggest smile on his face. He looked like he was glowing, and you didn’t know why but he laughed, making you giggle.

“Really? Seems like the world is small.” Your eyes couldn’t leave his face, it’s like they were glued.

“Yeah, it is. I’ve moved here at the beginning of high school, so I really miss it. It’s so nice to see a fellow Canadian!” You couldn’t help but laugh at his words. He was so passionate about it. It was clearly endearing, this boy overall was endearing.

“Oh my god, is it cult or what?” you heard Jaemin say under his breath. He was still harbouring a faint smile, showing that he was only joking.

“I feel you.” You looked down; you were fiddling with an already abused corner of the small book. How could he affect you when you had only met once, well twice considering this conversation? You wanted to kick yourself because this is totally like you, falling too quickly for a boy and then ending up heartbroken.

You were lost in your mind, torturing yourself over your sensitive heart when you felt an hesitant hand on your hair. Your eyes widened. You raised your head and saw Mark sheepishly grinning at you. He slightly shook his hand before finally opening his mouth.

“You had something in your hair” he wasn’t blushing but you could feel that he was a little hesitant, perhaps a little embarrassed.

“Oh.” That’s the only thing that was able to go past your lips. You didn’t know what to say, you were even more lost when you saw the frown on Jaemin’s face that wasn’t there a minute ago.

___

Hyulbin was sitting on the couch, squeezed between a hyper Jungwoo and a sleeping Hendery.

The music was loud and too many cups were dispersed to say that most of the people there were sober. It was fine really, she liked it, the throbbing music and the adrenaline coming from the alcohol flooding in her body. She liked it.

Jeno came up with another cup. She could tell that he was not sober by the way he was giggling alone. She accepted it, extending her hand to take it.

“Aren’t you a little squished?” he screamed for her to hear, she only laughed and shrugged.

“It’s not like I can make him move!” She gestured at Hendery who was far too deep in his dreamland.

“Then I can take him at least!” Jeno caught Jungwoo’s arm that was flailing to show something to someone seating on the coffee table. The older of the two whined but still followed Jeno. Hyulbin grinned and finally took a sip from her filled cup, grimacing when she felt the way too strong alcohol on her tongue.

___

It’s been half an hour since Jeno came to retrieve Jungwoo, yet Hendery was still peacefully sleeping, a leg on her lap. A dancer, right?

The over energetic atmosphere had decreased a little. Some bodies were sprawled on chairs, even on the floor, some were smoking on the balcony or discussing on its hard concrete even though it was freezing.

She had barely touched her drink. It was way too strong for her taste. So she had put it on the coffee table in front of her, already covered with dozens of other cups like hers.

The mood had shifted to a more sensual one as slow songs were now playing. She felt an insistent stare on her, it was not uncomfortable, not this one. She liked feeling it on her. So she met his gaze and didn’t avoid it. She talked through her dark pupils, and he responded with a knowing smile. The dimmed lights casted shadows on his face, making him look even more intense. Her heart rate sped up.

He emptied his cup and put it on the shelf next to him. She understood the meaning behind it. That’s why she stood up, moving Hendery’s leg on the couch so that he would not be too sore tomorrow. She glanced around; nobody had noticed the little game between them. It reassured her, allowing her to confidently walk towards him, her breath caught in her throat. He bent down to rest his forehead against hers, deposing his wide palm on her warm cheek. Their eyes were burning as they stared at each other. The atmosphere was suffocating there so he caught her hand and dragged her to his bedroom at the far end of the corridor. The door had just been closed that he already had her pressed against the hard wood, losing himself in the kiss he just initiated.

She followed his lead by snaking her arms around his neck, deepening the kiss herself. Their breaths were uneven and maybe just maybe she was ready to lose it all for this flitting moment. She closed her eyes, feeling every burning touches of his on her skin. She brought him closer, wanting to feel him as close as possible. He didn’t protest, instead holding her firmly by the waist. He detached himself from the kiss to look at her dishevelled self, red cheeks and hooded eyes. She looked gorgeous. Overwhelmed, he traced the line of her neck with slow and feather-like kisses, leaving her standing there frustrated as she ran a shaky hand in his messy hair.

“I want you.”

She had whispered it but he had still heard it clearly, even through their ragged breaths and his beating heart. He didn’t answer, it wasn’t needed anyway. He moved back allowing her to breath for the shortest moment before he took her hand, slowly manoeuvring her to the bed. It was dark, everything was shadows and dots of light. She still glowed under the white and soft gleam of the moon. He pushed her on the bed, her hair falling all around her head just like a dark crown of wavy locks. He positioned himself hastily on top of her, she was so small under him and it just made him smile fondly. Her delicate hands grabbed the front of his crumpled shirt to bring him closer, and closer, until their noses were barely touching. She exhaled shakily and connected their lips. It was slower than before, gentle even but not careful. It never was between them. His cold hands travelled under her fancy black top, making her shiver. Then, they circled her thin waist so she could sit up a little.

They made out for some minutes, until Mark found the way to her neck. He took in her sweet scent, he always thought it contrasted with her cold and reserved nature. It was too sweet for this strong girl but it fitted in a way, because she was an entire mystery and maybe it was one of the rare things that described her differently than her apparent nature and that she accepted to show. His little rant was cut short she began to straddle him. He took the hint and gripped the edge of her fancy top, slowly removing it. She blushed slightly, it had lasted a second, but he had seen it. A smug smirk took place on his lips as he bent down to kiss her chastely. She was wearing a black silk bra, complementing her figure perfectly. He was ready to take it off when she tugged firmly at his shirt, wanting it to also disappear. So he went along with it and threw the soft fabric in a far corner of his bedroom. She smiled at his antics and went back to kissing him. He took advantage of this moment to hook a long finger under the thin strap of her bra, smoothly sliding it down her shoulder. He uncovered her painfully slowly, making her vulnerable under his intense gaze. Her defined collarbone was peppered with his light kisses, trailing on her in order to map her body as he went down, kissing every inch of skin he could. She was holding her breath, eyes wider when he unbuttoned her tight black jeans.

He looked at her silently, she nodded.

His hands gripped her thighs and spread them a little, just enough for him to position himself between them. He teased her, just enough to bring out soft moans from her mouth. He loved this sound. She was frowning, closing tightly her eyes and holding tightly onto his forearms.

“Please.”

She stuttered messily. He chuckled and finally took off his pants hastily.

“The condoms are in the nightstand.” He whispered. With quick hands, she opened the drawer and threw the small package at him, hiding her blush. He rolled it down on himself and bent down to grab her thin wrists, pinning them down on the mattress next to her head.

“Oh my god” she sighed as her eyes rolled, taking in the immense pleasure he had offered her. He moved, slowly, at the beginning but quickly sped up, earning breathy moans from her. He closed his eyes to focus on the sensation, also trying to catch each one of her sounds.

“Mark…” she trailed when he suddenly quickened his pace, inclining himself to hit her right where she wanted. She moved her wrists to free them and started clinging onto his shoulders, lightly digging her nails into his sticky skin. Under the pale halo, their bodies moved in a near perfect synchronisation adding soft sounds of pleasure to the hazy scene.

He tucked his head on the crook of her neck, taking short intakes of breath, matching the furious beat of his heart. His bangs were clinging to his forehand due to the veil of sweat that was covering his skin. He mumbled. She couldn’t decipher a word but the vibration of his mouth against the small hollow of her neck made her shiver. She was losing herself here and would soon explode, blowing everything away with her. He hissed and tightened his hold, she knew.

“Hyul…” he harshly moaned, she tried to nod, but failed. “I’m close!” she buckled her hips and opened her eyes wide. She had been closer than him, so naturally she tensed around him. Plea to not stop filled the room. He groaned, loving the way she felt. She chocked and urged him to come, it was too much. She was becoming a mess.

He bit her soft flesh and let himself go.

___

The sun was soft, but nonetheless, it was torturing.

Mark’s arm was resting on her stomach while he was softly snoring. She looked at him with guilty eyes, and traced every feature his face had to offer. His eyes crinkled and she was so tempted to apply a soft pressure between his brows to relieve his skin from the faint wrinkle that somehow appeared. She didn’t do it; it was not her place to do it. She sighed and turned around, letting him face her naked back. The clock on his nightstand turned to 9 am. She closed her eyes and opened them again, holding her breath.

Hyulbin found herself grabbing his wrist. One of her finger followed the curve of his vein until it attained the middle of his forearm. Then, she pushed it as gently as she could to free herself from his hold. Instinctively, he moved to turn around so she was able to sit up, throwing a quick glance at him. He hadn’t woken up.

Her bare feet hit the cold floor, slowly sending shivers right through her spine that surely woke her up. Her eyes roamed around the room to find her items, and quietly she reached for them, covering hastily her naked frame. She heard rustle but didn’t pay any attention to it, too focused on clasping her bra. It’s the rough voice that made her raise her head.

“You’re already going?” he sounded confused. She felt his deep eyes on her back. She wasn’t that much of a coward so she turned around to meet his sleepy gaze. Mark was frowning and she didn’t like it, she didn’t understand why he would.

“The others are going to wake up, and I have things to do anyway.” She turned her head to grab her top.

“Don’t know, I mean it’s still early.” She loved the sound of his morning voice.

“Yeah… it is.” She walked to his closet, taking the first hoodie that came. It was black with a small white logo at the top left. He often wore it and it fitted him so well, somehow it looked even better on her.

“Make sure to give it back! I feel like I’m getting robbed every time you spend the night at mines.” He whined. She smiled to herself, it felt way too domestic.

When she finally left his bedroom, she was confused. What’s new? She thought to herself. She just had concluded that all of it, was too much for her or not enough for him.

She looked up and saw Haechan sitting on the couch, acknowledging her as he offered a comforting smile. Somehow he knew and she understood it so she shrugged and avoided his soft gaze. If she had faced it, it would only have made all of this so real so she quickly left, not even uttering a sound.

Haechan could only sigh.

___

Mark was resting his forehead on the table. Sighs escaped from time to time his soft lips but he didn’t move nor complain. He was just there, existing?

You were not sure if you should disturb him but you were holding two extremely hot coffee cups and the prospect of putting them down on the wooden surface was more than appealing. And maybe because when you were buying your Americano, you suddenly thought of him, finding it nice to also buy him one. You didn’t want it to go to waste so you sat down next to him, setting a cup in front of his folded arms.

“Hum… Mark.” The sound of his name leaving your lips straightened him up, looking around confused. In the end his soft pupils found your smiling face and he immediately relaxed, smiling back at you.

“Sorry, got a little drowsy.”

“It’s fine.”

The cup in front of him caught his attention. He turned to look at you with a raised eyebrow; you just shrugged indicating that he should drink it. So he did, holding the coffee with his hands.

He displayed a grimace. Your heart stopped beating for what felt like the longest time. What did you do?

“What is it? Is it too hot? Does it taste bad?”

His eyes widened at your frantic attempt to understand what was wrong. He put down the coffee and chuckled awkwardly.

“It’s nothing! I’m just not one for black coffee, I prefer sweeter things but I really do appreciate the gesture.” His eyes were soft and maybe you didn’t feel as guilty as before. You still blushed crazily, letting your hair cover your warm cheeks.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry, it really is fine. I mean you didn’t have to in the first place…”

You nodded and tried to lose your gaze in the area, avoiding him a little bit, only focusing back on him when you heard a faint sigh leave his lips. He didn’t seem as cheery as he usually was, he actually looked out of it. Mark looked like he was struggling to stay awake and a frown was carving his fair skin.

“Are you ok?” you didn’t know why you had whispered it but right at this moment, it had felt right.

“Yeah, just tired and a headache is bugging me but nothing to worry about.” He smiled at you, he did look tired.

“Do you want a painkiller? I always have some on me.” you were already fumbling with your bag when he put his hand on your shoulder, catching your attention.

“It’s fine, I’ve already gotten one from Hyulbin… It should kick in soon; I just have to wait a little bit.”

With that, he leant again against the table, his head turned in your direction. You were looking at each other without exchanging a word and you wouldn’t lie, it felt awkward because you didn’t know what to do or if it were normal that he didn’t try to fill the silence.

So you sat there, staring at him while drinking your own coffee.

___

“I swear, if I don’t make it, I pay for everyone!”

Hyulbin rolled her eyes at Jeno’s confidence because she knew he would cry later when he would in fact have to pay for everyone’s ramen. Usually Jeamin would try to knock some sense into him to remind him that he was nowhere near Kobe Bryant’s level but today he hadn’t said anything, probably because he was completely immersed in Hina’s presence. They were sitting a little bit further away, Hina’s legs resting on Jaemin’s while she was talking animatedly. He was looking at her like she had hung all te stars of his universe as well as the moon and the sun. Hyulbin could only smile softly at the scene, they made each other happy and they deeply deserved it, she believed it. Still, a tiny pang of jealousy hit her right in the heart: when will it be her turn?

“What are you looking at?”

She looked up, greeted by Hyuck bathing in the soft glow of the sunset, a radiant smile adorning his face. He sat down, nodding for her to answer.

“Jaemin and Hina…”

“They are disgustingly cute.” He said as he brushed his thigh: his jeans had been dirtied a bit.

“I want what they have.” At that, Hyuck turned his head to her, an expression of shock on his face. She frowned at him but he only put a cold hand on her forehead.

“Are you sick or something? Our hyulie is finally showing feelings.” she hit his arm softly and sighed, done with his overdramatic antics. “No but really, these romantic stuffs, feelings and all, that is clearly not you! Are you broken?” She hit him again, asking him to shut up. He laughed. Her dark gaze then fell on his figure, he was running and laughing. His soft hair messed up by the wind and his hands ruffling it way too much. Jeno put an arm around him as Renjun was trying to shoot. Their laughs could be heard from miles away, it felt nice to be there she thought. It felt nice to see him like that, her brain might have added if she had been brave enough.

She hadn’t noticed that Hyuck had followed her gaze. He was only now understanding how much of an impact Mark was having on Hyulbin and maybe he wasn’t ready to see how deep she was in. He had hoped that it was just some hormones thing and party lust but as time passed, he had watched how things had developed. It was foggy, he wasn’t able to distinguish where it had began and where it would end, he had just hoped that whatever it was it would stop in a way or another without hurting too much. One thing he couldn’t have predicted though was Hyulbin being the one falling for Mark, she was the constipated one with her feelings, that was just impossible. If anything, she should have been the one to break Mark’s heart, even though he wouldn’t ever dare telling her that.

“What the hell Mark Lee!” the scream of the petite girl next to him brought him out of his thoughts, she was rolling her eyes and swatting Mark’s hand away.

“I’m sorry, like really!” he was laughing, sitting down next to them.

“You know? Before playing basketball you probably should learn how to use a ball.” Hyulbin deadpanned staring at the remaining two boys that were playing. Mark shoved her slightly still laughing.

“Will you teach me then?” He asked with a low voice, probably full of innuendo that Donghyuck clearly didn’t want to understand. “Shut up…” she said under her breath triggering another laugh from Mark. She stood up, slightly stretching before running to Renjun who was deceiving Jeno. An high pitched giggle left her mouth when the victim of their attack began to flail his arms around trying to prove a point.

Donghyuck focused intently on Mark, he needed to know what he was thinking, he needed to have a preview of how this would end. When he saw the ghost of a smile gracing the Canadian boy’s face as he looked at her, hope rose inside him. Maybe this could be the beginning of something rather than the chaotic end he was imagining.

“So Hyul…” he trailed off trying to bring out some type of reaction from Mark. The said boy turned around to face Hyuck. He hummed absentmindedly, playing with the hem of his puffed jacket.

“What do you think of her?” Mark looked at him funny, clearly confused. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t know, what do you think of her? You must have something to say about her, I mean you’ve known each other for some time now!” Mark was perplexed by these sudden questions but still, he didn’t know why, he thought he had to answer.

“Well I don’t know, she is just her. I’ve never thought about that, she is one of a kind that’s for sure. Why are you asking me that?”

Donghyuck shrugged, not entirely happy with his response. “I don’t know, I thought you would probably have more to say about her. You two are the closest right? Or am I imagining things?” His tone clearly indicated that he knew things, and deep down that made Mark anxious. He couldn’t deny it when he saw the seriousness in Hyuck’s eyes.

“I don’t know how to express it… With her, things are… I think you have to find out things about her, and even if you did, it is impossible to describe her. Like I said, she is one of a kind. She is her, nothing else could describe her more and it’s so damn frustrating because I would love to answer you with concrete answers.” He was messing with his hair while looking down, to him Hyulbin was the most frustrating person he had ever met.

Donghyuck smiled, patting his friend’s shoulder as some type of reassurance.

“I think you did a good job.”

He thought that Mark was about to say something back when his phone vibrated on the ground. He quickly took it and smiled, texting back as soon as he had opened it.

“Who is it?”

“Oh nothing, Y/N wants to know if we could meet tomorrow to work together.”

Just like that, any hope that Donghyuck had built up came crashing down, leaving him to feel uneasy in front of his best-friend.

___

You were sitting at the same old table that you seemed to have taken an habit to use. Your books were all over the place but you didn’t mind, in this mess you found your organisation. You were scribbling on your notebook trying to find inspiration for your essay. You had to find philosophical things to say about yellow. The color. You were pretty sure that your teacher was high when he decided to use it as a theme. Was there anything philosophical about Yellow? You were not convinced that you could find a positive answer to that.

You sighed, pouting and resting your forehead on the strong wood. Your eyes were ready to be closed when an intentional cough caught your attention. You straightened up when you saw Mark standing in front of your table, a warm smile on his face. He was holding a burning cup of coffee on his right hand while his other hand was fiddling with the chair in order to sit down. He delicately placed the steaming cup in front of you.

“To pay you back, you know for the other day.” He said shyly, taking out of his backpack his books and pens. You gently wrapped your hands around the coffee, enjoying the warmth that it procured you. You brought it to your lips, blowing the steam to not burn yourself. Then you tasted it: strong black coffee, your favorite.

“How did you know?” you asked your cheeks warm. He met your gaze and only shrugged, giggling a little.

“Since you bought me this type of coffee, I thought that you probably had to have some kind of affinity with it.” At that you blushed crazily. He had managed to remember it, he even had deduced your tastes. Your heart started to beat faster, and even if you tried to keep yourself on check and not get false hopes, you still thought that it meant something. No one would do that for someone they didn’t care about.

“Thanks!” he nodded, focusing on the document he had to work on. If you were not interested in your essay before, now it was worse, way worse. you couldn’t detach your eyes from his frame, he was that hypnotic to you. When he moved you hastily hid your head behind your laptop, trying to be a little more subtle. You knew he had caught you and if it were not for the smirk that he was sporting, you would have felt way more embarrassed.

___

The two were panting, lying in Hyulbin’s large bed. Her dark hair was sticking to her forehead while a thin layer of sweat made her skin shine under the weak moonlight. Mark was basically in the same state, his eyes focused on the ceiling. She was lost in him, she was so addicted to him she thought she would be destroyed if this thin link between them was to be cut. She couldn’t fathom the idea of not seeing him, not being able to touch his soft skin or to run her hand in his dark locks. The idea was terrifying, the future was terrifying. At some point she knew this would have to end, he would be the the one to end it all. And she knew. She knew she wouldn’t be getting out of this happy. She would break.

Right now, she wasn’t ready.

Her fingers tickled his shoulder to catch his attention. He immediately turned his head in her direction, locking his dark gaze with hers. No words were exchanged. Maybe looking at each other was enough for now; he was also loosing himself in the idea of her. Maybe that was it. The idea of her was enough. Mark traced her delicate traits with his thumbs, bringing a shy smile out of her. He liked it, it seemed to glow and she rarely allowed it. Her eyes fluttered closed and a breathy laugh escaped his lips.

Nothing remains permanent with them. This moment wasn’t an exception. So like that, the bubble had been burst.

The soft sound of Mark’s phone had severed their own moment. He had turned around without glancing at Hyulbin, retrieving his phone on the floor. Then she saw it. How could she miss it? His eyes had formed small wrinkles at the corners, and a small smile played on his lips. His face had lit up in an instant and she instantly knew.

From Y/N:

Hey! I thought it would be nice to grab some coffee some time if you’re down for it. I mean that’s just an idea, but it could be nice and all!

From Mark:

Sure! Just remind me to clear my schedule hehe

She turned around in order to collect herself. The weird shadows on her ceiling didn’t do much to calm her ocean of thoughts this time. She now felt naked, robbed from her feelings. He was talking to her now, she was not sure what he was saying but she didn’t even want to know. She hummed. To be polite? To keep a deteriorating bond? She didn’t know, she knew nothing.

She was almost sure he thought she was falling asleep. It was better this way.

She hummed again and he stood up, dressing up and closing the wooden door behind him.

She was alone.

—-

Hey, this is the first chapter of a fanfic that I’ve thought about a long time ago. I hope you will like it !

PS: I’m sorry if it isn’t that smooth of if there are some mistakes, English isn’t my first language. I really tried to erase most of it, but if there are, don’t hesitate to tell me! I would gladly take it into account.

Thanks for reading ☁️

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