#jemrambles

[infinitedivinity]

thinking about doing dorian's makeup :3

he's laid out on your bed, and you're sitting on top of him. his hands are gripping your hips and waist as you talk him through what you're doing.

"close your eyes." you tell him, dipping your ring finger in some sparkly blue cosmetics. "what's that for?" dorian asks, keeping his eyes open as he looks down at the pallet. "it's for your eyes." you try to explain. when he kinda just stares at you, you give him a light smack on his shoulder. "i said close!"

"yes, ma'am." he laughs, finally closing his eyes. you smear the blue shadow over his eyelids and feel there's no need to apply a dark coat over his lashes since they're already so long.

"you're all done!" you grin, staring at him as he opens his eyes. he blinks away extra powder, and you move to help him sit up. "do i look like a princess?" he puckers his lips, blinking his lashes at you. you roll your eyes as you smile, "yes. a very pretty one."

"obviously." he stands up to look at himself in the mirror.

HE LOVES IT. he literally falls in love with himself.

now you're stuck watching him kiss at the mirror and touch up his hair for hours.

it's late, late into the night when you finally convince him to take his makeup off.

"can we do this again?" he asks as you run a warm, damp rag over his cheeks. "sure. i'll teach you next time." you reply sleepily.

[phislilium]

Marvus and Marvel

Okay so that title is very confusing, huh?

Okay well I just looked up the definition of Marvel- like the literal definition- cause of class. And it means "To be filled with wonder or awe" so I immediately started to think of Marvus due to Marvel sounding so close to him.

Well what if- just an if-

Okay so the idea is like- Marvus is a cloun boi right?

Well what if hes based off of that definition. Like hear me out for a minute. So hes a cloun. What if he can just do really cool stuff? He does own a circus(carnival?) after all.

But also-

And really cute fanon here

What if thats Marvus' personality?? Like what if the entire fandom got him wrong? What if the cocky attitude is all for show? (Literally and figuratively) And hes literally just so interested in anything and everything?? Like you show him Christmas lights and he's on it? Decorating his room n shit just cause they're so pretty to him?

What if he's just a precious cloun boi???

What if hes texting a sister bc hes so innocent and wants to know how to ask a girl out? What if the sister is Chahut and he wants to know what space will be like? What if its her and he just really cares and wants her to be okay? What if he looks up to Chahut??? What if he likes her so he thinks running a circus is a good way to impress her?

He does (probably) have the Soleil twins with him too. And thats like a mutation and one of them would prolly be in danger. Plus they don't talk so how would any relationship besides between themselves work?? He has to care for them. He just cares. Maybe.

He a good cloun boi in my eyes though.

What if we just have yet another precious cloun boi on our hands? The type so nervous he just needs to act to get by?

Precious boi I tell you all- HE A PRECIOUS BOI--

Boi boi boi

Cloun boi

#ClounBoiLove

#ClounBoisNeedLoveToo

#LoveClounBois

[infinitedivinity]

I fear getting drunk with Aelin would be so fun

just imagine being at a bar or a club with her and there's music blaring through the speakers. it rumbles from the bottom of your feet into the very ache in your bones.

her hands are all over you. roaming around your hips and shoulders and neck. and she's drunkenly singing lyrics into your ear.

i feel like our fire breathing bitch queen would eat clubs up 💀

and when it's time to go home, her hand never leaves the small of your back as you both tumble into rowan. he's glaring at the both of you, but glad to know you called him to pick you up. he's glad you two had your girls night out and had fun.

he'd probably help take off yours and aelin's makeup. his calloused hands so gentle on your face. change you out of your dresses and heels. and lay you both in bed. he'd be right beside the both of you until you fell asleep. he'd be so good to you and aelin it's perfect.

[infinitedivinity]

hear me out

i'm thinking about vampire!nesta

vampire!nesta who locks herself away in her room so she doesn't have to interact with you

vampire!nesta who is so scared of crossing paths with you because all she can think about is your scent and how delicious your blood would taste

vampire!nesta who gets frustrated when you go to her rooms late at night to talk with her, even if it's just from behind the door

vampire!nesta who takes a few weeks or months opening up to you, but eventually her door opens for you during your nightly talks

vampire!nesta who bites her bottom lip to keep herself from growing thirsty of you, but she just thinks you look so beautiful under the moonlight, talking her ear off about the latest gossip you've heard from rhys and amren

vampire!nesta who opens up to you about her fears of hurting you, so you shut her up with a kiss

vampire!nesta who's eyes become dark with hunger and you assure her that you're okay with her feeding off of you. you've noticed the hospital blood bags she uses to feed instead of a live human.

vampire!nesta who asks "is this okay?" "can i?" before feeding from you

vampire!nesta who takes her time kissing and licking up the side of your neck, praising and worshipping you and your skin for allowing her the pleasure of tasting your blood

vampire!nesta who carefully sinks her teeth in and holds back a moan at the taste of you. (she'll never go back to hospital blood bags again)

vampire!nesta who makes sure to thank you and take care of the teeth bites on your neck, kissing the pain away and murmuring countless praises

[flindersarcade]

62 calorie Microwave pumpkin pie that absolutely fucking sucks

Happy Halloween or something

Right is tall left is squished

Ingredients:

60 g egg white

90 g pumpkin

0 cal sweetener of choice (I dissolved a few of those little coffee tablets)

Pumpkin pie spice / shove cinnamon and stuff in there

Any other flavourings e.g. syrups if your country sells those

A tiny dash of almond milk like tiiiinnnyy

Now stir it all together in a big mug or one of those tiny baking things.

Microwave for 3 or 4 minutes or until desired texture.

Squish down to look more like a pie. Slice it if you want, I ate 1/4 of mine.

Serve with 0 cal syrups or tears.

Nutrition:

15.5 per 1/4 or 62 whole

Honestly probably above 62 if you count the cinnamon but if I Google the calories of cinnamon then the one thing that brings me joy in my tea and coffee will scare me so I’ll leave that to you (please don’t tell me)

Quick q and a:

Does this taste good? No

Does this taste like vaguely cinnamony scrambled eggs? Yes

Does it smell good? No it smells like eggs

Should I make this? Honestly probably not it sucked

Why are you posting this then? Because it’s my favourite thing I’ve ever microwaved and I will be eating it for lunch for the next 40 years

[flindersarcade]

Oh what I would give for the ability to feel full and satiated after eating

*eats microwaved egg white* *eats bowl of yoghurt* *eats bowl of blueberries* *eats bowl of egg white* *eats bowl of cauliflower rice* *eats bowl of strawberries* *eats bowl of sugar free jelly* *eats bowl of cauliflower rice* *eats bowl of yoghurt* *eats bowl of jelly* *eats bowl of egg white* *eats

[flindersarcade]

I have had a toothache for a few days and I just checked and I’ve got this massive cavity thing like a whole half a tooth missing and it’s horrifying

Between this and hitting 15.5 bmi by accident it kinda feels like my body is decaying a little.

Been trying to eat more and it hurts so bad choosing to eat and what to eat but we are getting there. I don’t know where else to go but forward so, I suppose: onwards we trek my friends

[flindersarcade]

Anyone else feel weirdly like two different people?

Like there’s the me that’s in control when I’m on autopilot:

Counts calories over and over. Tries to make food as low calorie as possible. Spits out high calorie foods if I accidentally lick something. Plan meals and recipes and thinks about food constantly.

Autopilot me feels so much satisfaction and relief to see low calorie numbers, and freaks out if I try to eat something because “that apple you’re holding has CALORIES that will be a part of you that you could easily AVOID”.

It automatically plans out ways to avoid calories “just in case”. It works to always choose lower options, even when it’s like 2 calories between them.

This version loves checking my weight and getting that stomach drop excitement of knowing it’s lower / noticing new changes / knowing that I’m eating less than everyone else

Then there’s me!!!!

Like current me who loves studying and texting my friends and going for walks when it’s warm. Me who likes drawing in my spare time and podcasts and tv shows and having fun with my family.

Me who logically knows that I can’t function below 800 calories. Me who knows I should eat more. Far more rational than version 1, I know that 800 isn’t enough to gain weight on.

This version is scared of the health effects and desperately doesn’t want to lose more weight.

We have some things in common:

Neither of us want to eat. Neither of us genuinely want to sit down and consume things, though #2 is a lot better about enjoying foods.

But it just feels like a constant discussion???

Not so much a dramatic battle of me bravely combatting my thoughts like every ed tv show because they both suck but?

Like to eat I have to consult both versions of me and come to a compromise that both of us can work with.

Sometimes I physically cannot stop Version One from controlling what I do. Like I mean I could, but it feels like it.

Like yesterday I licked the knife my sister used for toast and I had to spit into the bin, wash my mouth out with ACTUAL SOAP then brush my teeth while crying for ten minutes. It felt like I was going completely insane because #2 knows that I cannot physically gain weight from .5 grams of marmelade.

So anyways. I’m going completely and utterly insane.

[flindersarcade]

Today I fell over while walking home and my body just gave out??

Like I physically couldn’t stand up so I FREAKED OUT and started hyperventilating and sobbing while lying in the dirt in a ditch

Then I realised that I was gonna be stuck there anyways so just watched some ants bring food to their house approximately 2 inches from my nose for 10 minutes

Eventually I just kinda managed to flop / roll out of my school bag and wandered home

I scraped my knee, hand and my face a little but other than that was perfectly fine surprisingly.

Just kinda freaky. I wish I’d never started any of this.

[flindersarcade]

Ok but what does getting help for a potential eating disorder even involve? Like where on earth do you start???

For 60 pound people who eat 20 calories a day and are about to die it’s pretty obvious because they’d need to be hospitalised and stuff but for everyone else??

I googled it and it says “talk to your GP” so am I just supposed to go in and be like “hey ;) wanna listen to me dump my problems on you”

Other sites say school counsellors but that’s completely ridiculous and they’d probably just email everyone I know about it

Or even just telling another person. Like what would they be able to do just be like “yeah you should probably eat something”??? It would just add so much unnecessary stress to their life and be ultimately purposeless

Getting a therapist would logically be an option but that would take months and just be kind of... weird... and my mother would hate it and it’s expensive and not really realistic

I anonymously contacted headspace when things were Bad like two months ago and that’s my go to if things get worse. They have a centre near me and offered to set up an appointment which was nice. But it feels ridiculous going at this stage - maybe if I was a lot worse. And either way what could they do besides threaten to ring my parents

I’m currently at a bmi of 16.66 (how cool is the 666!!!) so I don’t think it’s that serious because every time I have read people’s stories of getting help they’re at like... 12. I still don’t know if I have an eating disorder but I know that Something is certainly wrong here I just don’t want it to become a big deal

So:

If anyone has been “treated for” an eating disorder please tell me how you did it / how it went / what you regret / did it actually help??

I’m so beyond scared of losing control and I feel like I should have some actual plan to fall back on you know

[flindersarcade]

My meals at the moment are so weird... here’s a usual day:

Coffee first thing in the morning w/ milk and almond milk because my absolutely bonkers brain won’t let me put milk in alone without “watering it down” even though it literally adds more calories???

Skip breakfast because I am scared of “wasting” calories early in the morning

Bake or cook something low calorie and eat like a quarter of it raw. E.g. pumpkin soup or skinny banana bread

Freak out about not eating enough at like 3:00 and eat a disgusting amount of a safe food. I wish I could just eat a normal amount of something higher calorie but noo it’s several cups of soup or an entire packet of yogurt until I feel sick

Spend the next 4 hours trying to talk myself into eating more

Eat dinner. Almost cry if my sister doesn’t finish hers

Freak out about getting my period back after dinner and shovel food into my mouth in secret like a pig! Yay!!

All set to the beautiful music of my mother and sister screaming about killing themselves <3

[flindersarcade]

I feel awful today

I’ve got no energy I’m literally freezing I can’t concentrate and I just keep randomly crying

God I just want to be able to think again

[flindersarcade]

ALRIGHT DECISION MADE

Recovery attempt 2.0 (maybe 3???)

I am having full school days next week meaning.... I have to bring a packed lunch. Nothing is terrifying me more than the thought of this

Combined with 6 hours (!!!!!) of concentration necessary a day plus walking the half hour to school and hour home

so....

I am going to eat like a REGULAR PERSON

I am not going be scared of snacking

I will not weigh myself for one week. I will eat something at all meals. I will eat snacks when I cannot concentrate.

I will not end a day below 800 calories. I swear I will not end a day below 800 calories for the next week.

I will aim for above 1000 (but I think that’s unrealistic at this stage). If I go above 1000 I will feel NO GUILT! I unconditionally deserve foods. Foods have no moral value. I shall not feel guilt for eating specific foods.

Sorry if I sound entirely insane I’m just trying to convince (and promise) myself this.

I can do this. Nothing bad will happen. Nothing bad will happen.

[flindersarcade]

My digestive system is so beyond fucked it’s not even funny

I hate!!!!!! This constant feeling full!!!!!! So much!!!!!

Literally whenever I eat anything I feel physically full Instantly but want and need to eat more >:(

Whenever I finish a proper meal I feel like I’m about !!!! To throw up!!!! And I’m so goddamn bloated!!! I hate this!!!!!

[flindersarcade]

Woke up and weighed myself and uh....

44

Fuck