#jeff roast quota

[live-from-flaturn]

so I watched Yellow Leaf again today for no reason and my brain did this:

[weeklyhumorist]

I, Krampus, Am The New Manager of the North Pole Amazon Fulfillment Center

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I, Krampus, am sad to step down from my role punishing misbehaved children during the Christmas season, but I’m excited to announce I am the new manager overseeing the Amazon Fulfillment Center at the North Pole! It’s the new warehouse facility where the Candy Cane Forest was before we bulldozed it.

Here at Amazon we obsess over the customers and make sure to send them all the best toys. Our main competitor, Santa Claus, wishes people a Merry Christmas. How pathetic. We don’t send empty wishes, we deliver results and squeeze those holly jolly margins. That’s why Santa Claus had to downsize his factory to the size of a gingerbread house while we’ve shipped 10x more toys than last year.

One of the initiatives I’m most proud of is shifting our workforce from humans to elves who aren’t covered by minimum wage laws. Elves are so trusting, gentle, and docile that they make excellent workers. They also contribute to our tremendous Christmas spirit which we take very seriously here at Amazon. At times, the Christmas spirit can be overwhelming. I recently saw elves so moved by the season that they were crying and singing “Oh Christmas Tree” while moving an artificial Christmas tree to the shipping dock. I’m sorry, but if that doesn’t move you then you are a south pole elf.

One of the drawbacks of using elves is how small they are so they have to climb for anything above the second shelf. To compensate for this, we tried to bring in flying reindeer. It was a giant mess. Blitzen got a cold that lasted more than the 2.5 days of sick leave we give new employees so, in addition to Christmas cheer, she started to spread an upper respiratory infection.

Rudolph filed an HR complaint because he said he wasn’t allowed to play any reindeer games during his break. That was outlandish. Like all warehouse employees, he received two 15-minute breaks with just a short 10-minute walk to the break room. During the remaining 5 minutes he can play any reindeer games he would like to. In the end, the reindeer wanted to unionize so we had no choice but to fire all of them or ruin Christmas by delivering toys in three days.

After the failed attempt with the reindeer, we created robotic abominable snowmen to keep watch over the elvish workers. To increase Christmas joy and productivity we’ve attached a jingle bell to each elf and it jingles every time they scan an item! The abominable snowman tracks their jingles to make sure they meet their jingle bell quota.

Turns out elves are terrified of abominable snowmen and as a result, the elves’ productivity shot through the roof! This impacted no one more than one of our best employees, Christmas-Cookie Johnson. His parents were killed by an abominable snowman and he watched them get torn apart limb from limb before they were roasted over an open fire like they were chestnuts. Man was Christmas-Cookie Johnson’s productivity unstoppable! Unfortunately, Christmas-Cookie Johnson fell as he was climbing to grab an item for a customer and broke his neck. As he lay there twitching clinging onto the Santa hat he wore his last words were “tell my family I love them”. Did you hear what I hear? He viewed his colleagues as a work family. Now that’s a Christmas miracle!

Christmas-Cookie Johnson knew retail was worth the ultimate sacrifice. It’s a damn shame he died before December 15th so he wasn’t eligible for employee of the month during the best time of the year. The very generous Jeff Bezos did make a personal donation to the family. Using his own money, he donated the paper towels Christmas-Cookie was trying to reach so the family could remember the important work he did.

I know this Amazon Fulfillment Center seems too magical to be true. How can we deliver any toy in two days while maintaining a work environment of such devoted employees? The truth is there is no Christmas magic behind it. We just hire employees who are desperate. Desperate for everyone to have a Merry Christmas!

I, Krampus, Am The New Manager of the North Pole Amazon Fulfillment Center was originally published on Weekly Humorist