#jared is the opposite hes the most unreal guy ever

[vitamin-zeeth]

Phil is such a real one bro drove a lady he's never met before to the hospital cause she went into labour and then stayed to be her birthing partner cause she liked his massages better than her husband's

[maddgarbagemonkey]

DEAR EVAN HANSEN 2018 TOUR THINGS THAT MADE ME CRY

Yep. Back at it again with this nonsense. I saw this show back in November and needed to frantically rant about how much of a MASTERPIECE it is and how in love I am with every single tour cast member. Buckle-up dorks and get ready to read a novel. Its gonna get pretty out of order so yeah, and obviously, SPOILERS for Dear Evan Hansen ahead. :)

So it opens and a bunch of live feed from multiple social media accounts appear on the monitors and screens surrounding Evan's bed and they make little beeping noises whenever there's something new and it was super cool and immersive.

I took like 2000 pictures of Evan's red bed and all of them turned out blurry but I will cherish every single one of them.

The classic Evan rant about sweaty hands and ordering food will forever be my eternal monologue. Ben also said that line so fast I was amazed that he didn't lose his breath and suffocate!

"Ohhh... Good." B A B Y

Heidi (Jessica Phillips) is my M O M. I love her and Cynthia's harmonies were superb.

Ok fam. Real talk. Ben Levi Ross. Best human 2019. Superior to every other person on this planet and I am unafraid of saying so.

I think a lot of people, including me, went into the touring show thinking "That Ben Levi Ross is cute, but I don't see how he could possibly compare to Ben Platt" STOP! STOP THAT NOW! THAT'S NOT OKAY! Because I can swear to you that his performance was one of the greatest things I've ever witnessed in my entire life and I cried so so very hard whenever he opened his mouth.

Not only should actors NEVER be compared to one another (as they are all their own people with their own incredible talent) but Ben's singing and performing was BEYOND WORDS! You could tell immediately how much of himself he put into Evan and did not doubt for a second that he should be up there instead of anyone else. His singing was so powerful and moving that I physically began shaking and did not stop until I left the theater, which Ben himself even acknowledged but more on that later. He was so incredibly talented it was unreal and I just wanted to take a second and say that he deserved every single moment of applause and cheering times a million. I need a recording of him singing Waving right now. BEN LEVI ROSS, GUYS!!!1!!!

oof, anyways his "Waving Through a Window" killed me. I'm dead. Gorgeous boy. Beautiful.

The way everyone's harmonies mix together and hit you in that song are phenomenal.

Jared, played by Jared Goldsmith, had such a squeaky highschooler voice and the biggest, doofy-est smile which made his stupid comments so much better. I loved him a lot. 10/10. Classic Jared.

Also, I would die for Marrick Smith.

Marrick, A.K.A. Connor was so good at being a broken teenager it hurt! I loved him a lot.

It also opened my eyes because... how do I say this without sounding weird... BOI HE THICK!

Marrick was so tall and swol and gorgeous and sweet and I love him and that's my TedTalk. It also created such a strong physical contrast between Connor, who was tall and strong and scary who processed his emotions through anger outbursts, with Evan, who was skinny and small and shrunk into himself and processed his emotions through hiding or running away, in a way that Ben Platt and Mike Faist couldn't really do. It was different in a good way and I really liked it! :)

Y'all can take Stronk Connor and Skinny Twink Evan out of my cold, dead hands.

In the cast signing scene, Connor was overly friendly and smiley which made the point where it all slowly fades into anger at "You wrote this because you knew that I would find it" so much worse.

The little tug on Ev's arm followed by a subtle "Ow" before signing. <3

"I LoVE JaZZ!"

I love the way Evan sits in chairs by taking up as little space as possible! Its such a cool detail to demonstrate Evan's social anxiety and his need and want to not take up too much space.

I just need to take a second to squeal about Phoebe Koyabe, who played Alana, because she had gorgeous pink hair and I was just all around in love with her voice and her quirky little Alana characteristics.

Here's where things are a bit out of order and blurred because I wrote down my favorite things and then instantly lost the paper so... this is all from what I rewrote later on.

During that line where Alana retaliates to Evan accusing her of using the Connor project for her college application, she became completely hysterical and began crying. That "because I know how it feels to be forgotten" will always be my weak point.

"Connor was OBSESSED with trees!"

"We were partners for our Literature class while reading Huck Finn. He was so funny! He came up with this funny joke where he'd say, well, instead of Huck Finn.... nobody else in our class thought of that!"

OH MY GOD ZOE!

Zoe, played by Maggie Mckenna, was so incredible and loveable it was insane.

Her voice was so deep and melodic that just listening to her speak made you want to curl up with a blanket and just be comfortable. She was also so expressive and good at delivering her lines that you felt and understood exactly what she was going through whenever she spoke. I loved her so much and can relate with Evan's sentiments in "If I could tell her!"

"That's just what you do when you're rich and don't have a job, you get crazy!"

That entire scene before "If I could tell her" was so good! She was so snarky and sarcastic with every line and I fell way more in love with Zoe. I love when she's not played as the angel love interest and more of a real character with flaws and feelings and emotions and Maggie's portrayal really solidified that for me! I love this little Jazz band brat!

I also need a recording of Maggie's requiem, it was beautiful!

There was this heartbreaking moment in that song where Zoe looked at and read through Connor's emails and held them close, but at "That you were not the monster," she crumbled it up into a ball and let it fall to the ground, covering up all her sadness with anger and it hurt me.

That song just hurt a lot all around. Cynthia, Larry, Zoe. Just all of it, all of their God-tier harmonies. All.

You'd also be glad to know that Zoe's star-covered jeans were in full view the whole time along with the ones on her sneakers.

There was this adorable moment in the scene before "Only Us" where Evan freaks out because he thinks Zoe's gonna break up with him and he screams and promises he won't start breaking things and Zoe just has to stop him like "no, you tree-loving twink, I'm not breaking up with you!" And Evan just stands there for a second and then does this sweet thing where he awkwardly bends down and grabs her hands and shakes them with a little "thank you." Then Zo copies his little hand thing as responds "Don't mention it!" They're so cute together and lovable it hurts! Hopefully nothing bad happens between them...

During Disappear, Connor started jumping on Evan's bed during "And even if you've always been-" and it was glorious and Evan just regarded it as a normal occurrence.

They also did this thing where they ran on opposite sides of the stage and then rejoined in the middle where Connor helps Evan put on his backpack and then just puts his hands on his shoulders in a moment of bro trust and admiration and then yeets out of existence at "when you're falling in a forest."

BEN'S YOU WILL BE FOUND WILL LIVE ON IN INFAMY!

During the panic attack before the song began, starting when Evan dropped his notecards, you can feel it radiating off of him so vividly that everyone in the theater was holding their breath.

First when he fell to pick the cards up you could see the tears swell up and hear his breath quicken and feel the panic swell like "no no no, this can't happen. Not now. Don't do this!" And the second you think he might be able to pull it together and stand up, he slips and hits his elbow so hard on the floor, we all jump. He lets out the most heartbreaking yelp and clutches his arm, abandoning his cards and the speech and all hope of recovering. The tears finally start to fall down his face and they don't stop.

Still holding his arm, Evan pushes his body out of the spotlight and holds himself in the fetal position, refusing to look up and just all around shutting hinself away from everyone watching. AND YOU CAN FEEL IT! You can feel Evan's shame and horror and fear and anger and it's awful. You almost have to look away because the emotions being displayed are so real and raw. More real than any recording or bootleg out there. And that's why Ben Levi Ross was so incredibly perfect in my eyes, because he could so accurately depict and portray Evan and what he's going through to the point where you have to look away to avoid the risk of being pulled under with him and losing yourself to your own habits and its heartbreakingly brilliant! Again, Ben. Fucking. Levi. Ross.

During "You Will be Found" they also display all these younger and baby pictures of Marrick along with present day ones to show little Connor, which was adorable. But then Larry, played by Aaron Lazar, looks up and sees little baby Connor on the screen and instantly breaks down sobbing, the first time ever since Connor died as we hear Zoe say earlier that "he didn't even cry at Connor's funeral." Cynthia has to come over and hold him to prevent him from instantly falling apart.

Evan and Jared also have this awkward high five at that part and its very uncomfortable and great.

There's another just horrible moment in the middle of words fail where one by one the Murphys all run off stage horrified at the news that Evan was lying. First, it's Zoe with Cynthia following after, frantically trying to grasp what happened with tears falling everywhere. Then Larry, who looks disapprovingly at Evan before solemnly following the others. Then, lastly, in what could just be described as the worst thing ever, one of the screens become transparent to reveal CONNOR, looking in dismay at what has happened, tears in his eyes, before also walking away from Evan back into the nothingness. Awful. Beautifully, beautifully awful.

Evan snuggles into Heidi and stays there for what seems like forever during "So Big, So Small" then, he finally lets go and Heidi rides away on the couch, reaching for him.

Okay, fam. That was all the specific things I wanted to scream about during the actual show, but then I had the pleasure of meeting them at the stage door which led to some great hijinks!

I said something really stupid to Jessica Phillips/Heidi when she signed my playbill probably along the lines of like "You were so amazing I might faint. Please catch me" and she SQUEALED! It was the best sound on the planet.

When Marrick Smith/ Connor came out, I was frozen in shock because, not only was he shorter than I thought and his cool hair was tied in a man bun and he was wearing a cool beanie and some hair feel into his eyes like a Myspace profile picture, I was so amazed that he was real and was standing so close to me. I was so amazed that I stood there like an idiot just staring at him and shaking while he smiled at me, an awkward little baby, until my Mom had to physically nudge me towards him to which he responded by giggling and saying "Aw! Don't be scared! I don't bite!" I... I. How? How do I live after that. He signed by his picture and, get this, also doodled a little mustache on Aaron Lazar/ Larry's picture. I am also proud to say that I saw his slightly chipped black nail polish up close in true Connor fashion. Then he thanked me for coming and waved at me. He was SO incredibly sweet and I couldn't stop smiling after that.

When Phoebe Koyabe/Alana came out with her gorgeous pink hair I squealed and told her she was gorgeous to which she kindly smiled and complemented my dress and signed my Playbill. She was a goddess and I love her so much.

Right before Aaron Lazar came out, My Mom without thinking just called out "Daddy" to which my sister and I were horrified.

Lastly, Ben Levi Ross, wearing the best sweater ever, came out and signed my Playbill. At this point my legs were absolute jelly and I was shaking so bad I almost dropped everything, but he was so SO NICE and, as a response to seeing me dying upon seeing him, said "Oh no! Don't shake! You're okay! Everything's fine!" He was so unbelievably chill and sweet and upon my family showering him with all of the complements he deserved was so down to earth and appreciative. It was so incredible to get to meet him and tell him how amazing he was!

In conclusion, I knew Dear Evan Hansen was incredible and loved it before, but actually seeing it made me feel so many feelings that I didn't know existed. Its such a genius musical and I 1000% recommend! There was not a weak link in the cast! They were all so sweet and talented and just absolutely PHENOMENAL! I would die for all of them! :)

[nogooddeetz]

Prompt from @misscrazylove99:

"a soulmate au with connor having a tree tattoo."

Here's my take on that:

~

Connor sighed. Larry was at it again.

"I'm just saying, most people have it figured out by 18." He complained. Connor rolled his eyes but kept quiet. He'd had this argument too many times.

"Larry." Cynthia tried to shush him to avoid a fight. "Let him be."

"But Cynthia, he's 18 already, he should have found his soulmate by now!" Larry continued on. "It's just how it goes! I don't understand why he has to be so different!"

That's when Connor had enough.

"Unbelievable." He muttered as he got up from the breakfast table. "Sorry to disappoint you, Larry, but this stupid thing isn't exactly a map." He half-yelled while pointing at his soulmate tattoo. "You got off easy! You guys have halves of the same picture! Zoe's been dating for years because so many people have stars and she convinced herself they're all the same, but now she figured out there's a person who has the same styled stars she does! The font! The freaking font is the same! Good for her! But this?" Connor points to his arm again, "I've never seen this damn tree in my life, except on my arm. I'm not sure it even exists! Maybe it's a fluke! Either way, I can't change it, I was BORN with it! If anything, be mad at the universe. Just get off my back!"

Connor finally finished his rant, grabbed his jacket and walked out of the house. All of the things he told Larry, were all things he'd tried to explain to him before. He just wouldn't get it.

The societal pressure to find your soulmate, the person to complete you and make you happy, was... A lot. And Larry was right, most people met their soulmates in their teenage years. Of course there were exceptions, so Connor being 18 and without a soulmate shouldn't be the end of the world, but in Larry's mind, like always, Connor not being exactly who he wanted him to be, was disappointing.

When Zoe found her soulmate, only 6 months ago, Larry was happy for her and then immediately questioned how come Connor, the older brother, hadn't found his.

Connor kicked an empty beer can as he stomped towards his high school. He didn't want to admit it to Larry, but the constant nagging got to him. He started getting nervous about his soulmate too. Maybe they didn't exist? It would make sense. Connor's soulmate tattoo was strange compared to most's.

Most soulmate tattoos were either halves of the same picture, similar by design or soulmates would have a tattoo representing the other.

Connor's tattoo was the most unreal looking tree he'd ever seen. The concept of a tree as a soulmate tattoo alone was quite unusual, and the tree on Connor's arm was indeed strange. It looked almost cartoon like, with a too straight of a trunk and strange little twigs holding all the strange little leaves above the whole tree.

All his life, Connor would be on the look out for a tree like that, but he'd never seen one. He started to believe that this kind of tree didn't exist and therefore his soulmate wouldn't either.

Great. It was barely 8am and Connor was in a foul mood. Maybe being at school wasn't such a good idea.

"Hey Murphy, looking murderous as usual!" Came an annoying voice somewhere in front of Connor in the hall. Kleinman...

"What the fuck do you want now, Kleinman?" Connor murmured a reply.

"Nothin'. Just making conversation." Kleinman smirked back.

"Well go do it somewhere else." Connor shot back. Kleinman got on his nerves and he seemed to enjoy it.

Kleinman lifted his arms in a defensive manner.

"Geez okay, no need to make me the first target of your school shooting!"

Connor saw red. He knew he wasn't a nice guy, but fuck did Kleinman have the nerve to call him a-

"Jared, stop..." Came a quiet, frankly scared sounding voice.

Surprised, Connor lifted his head to see a nervous looking boy standing slightly behind Kleinman.

Hansen, was it?

"What? I'm just saying-"

"Fuck off, Kleinman. I mean it." Connor spit out before he could stop himself. It had been a bad morning and it wouldn't take much to get him angry enough for physical confrontation.

Kleinman rolled his eyes and then turned around to walk the hallway to the opposite direction. "That is why you shouldn't do drugs, kids!" He screamed, pointing at Connor while he went.

"Fucking asshole..." Connor muttered under his breath to not particularly anyone.

Connor felt a presence and turned his head to see Hansen still standing there, a step closer to Connor than he was before, looking extremely nervous. That seems to be the kid's branding.

"What are you looking at?" Connor asked, immediately regretting his angry tone. After all, the kid had defended him, if you could call it that.

"I- uh, I just-t wanted to ssay sorry." Came the reply.

"Why?" Connor asked, genuinely confused.

"F-for Jared, I mean. He- he can be..." Hansen tried to explain but Connor cut in.

"An asshole?"

Hansen blushed. "I- well, uh, yeah, but see, he-he's not t-terrible, he's just..." Hansen struggled to find a word and then finally settled for: "Jared."

Connor huffed out a small laugh. "Sure. Still, it's not your problem, you don't have to apologize for him."

Hansen blushed again. Another thing he seemed to do quite a lot.

"I know, I just... It was, you know, un-uncalled for. So... Yeah." He mumbled.

"Well, it's all cool, dude." Connor replied, trying to reassure the visibly nervous boy.

Hansen seemed pleased by this. "Okay. Well. C-cool?" He replied, turning away from Connor, but he seemed hesitant. After a few seconds he turned around to face Connor again.

"B-by the way, I uh, I like your tattoo." He finally said.

That made Connor freeze in his spot. He glanced at his arm, where the tattoo on his forearm was visible, since he had his sleeve rolled up.

"You... You do?" He asked, completely unsure how to react.

"Yeah." Hansen said, now seeming a bit more confident in his speech. "Dragon's blood tree is one of my favorites."

Connor felt like he couldn't breathe. "The what?"

Hansen took a step closer to Connor and pointed at his tattoo. "Dragon's blood tree? Dracena Cinnibaris. It's one of my favorite species. It naturally only exists in one place on the earth. Some say it looks alien, like it doesn't belong on earth, but I... I really like it." He explained with weird passion in his voice.

Connor couldn't find words. Never had anyone commented on his tattoo, other than to ask what the hell it was. This Hansen kid actually knew what it was and it meant something to him and it seemed like his love for the tree wasn't very trivial either. Wait... It meant something to him...

"Well, anyway... I should- I should get to class. So, uh, bye." Hansen mumbled before finally walking away. All Connor could do was stare at his blue shirt disappearing into the crowded hallway.

The bell rang. Connor still didn't move.

Finally, as the reality of what just happened dawned on him, he found his words again.

"Holy fucking hell."

~

Send me Dear Evan Hansen prompts if you have any fic ideas you want to see written! My inbox is open!

[robbieinterviews]

INTERVIEW: A CONVERSATION WITH SCREEN SIREN MARGOT ROBBIE, 2016

Since her sensational breakthrough in The Wolf of Wall Street, Margot Robbie has continued to dazzle critics and audiences alike with turns in last year’s heist-thriller Focus (opposite Will Smith) and the recent sci-fi thriller Z for Zachariah. Her talents are in such demand that she’s recently completed filming two major blockbusters: DC Comics’ highly anticipated Suicide Squad opposite Jared Leto (pictured right) and The Legend of Tarzan, a US$180-million production co-starring Alexander Skarsgård. Both films are slated for major summer tent-pole releases and could well establish Robbie, already a two-time Golden Globe winner, as one of the hottest actresses in the business.

In the meantime, audiences will be able to see the blonde beauty display different sides of her ebullient persona in new-release Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, a dramatic comedy set in war-torn Afghanistan and Pakistan and based on reporter Kim Barker’s memoir, The Taliban Shuffle: Strange Days in Afghanistan and Pakistan. Robbie plays Tanya, a journalist who is fully immersed in the occasionally bacchanal life of a war correspondent.

Things change, however, when she befriends a newly stationed reporter, Kim (Tina Fey), and shows her some survival tactics amid the chaos that surrounds them. “I think I could handle the partying side of being a war correspondent but I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to live in a war zone on a daily basis,” Robbie says. “It’s a very difficult and dangerous job and I have so much admiration for the journalists who are able to handle that life on a daily basis.” The 25-year-old Robbie is currently in a relationship with British assistant-director Tom Ackerley whom she met 18 months ago while working together on the set of the World War II film, Suite Française.

Is it true that you got to meet Prince Harry recently? Yes. Suki [Waterhouse] was having a housewarming party and I thought I would pop in for a short while to say hello. Then of course I got into the party mood and I wound up talking to Prince Harry for a half an hour and I didn’t know it was him.

You’ve been working in some very big films of late including Tarzan and Suicide Squad. Does it ever feel unreal? Sometimes I wake up and it’s like I’m living in this other world like being in a dream. Just getting to be in The Wolf of Wall Street was a shock and ever since it’s just been great and so exciting to have all these opportunities. With Suicide Squad, it was so much fun to play Harley [Dr. Harley Quinn] who’s absolutely nuts and you never know whether she’s going to kill you or laugh and give you a hug. But it’s fun getting to do crazy things and live vicariously through your character that way.

Were you happy to get to work with Will Smith again in Suicide Squad? Will is such a great guy on and off the set that when I heard he was negotiating to play in the film I kept texting him: “You better be in this movie!” I enjoyed working with Will so much on Focus and I was overjoyed when I finally heard that we would be working together again.

What can you tell us about your character, Tanya, in Whiskey Tango Foxtrot? She’s a war correspondent who has already spent some time in Kabul prior to the arrival of Kim. Tanya kind of takes her under her wing and they become unlikely friends because they’re very different personalities. At the beginning there’s this healthy rivalry and competition between them; Tanya is very brazen and can adapt to just about any situation. They encourage each other to keep raising the stakes in the kinds of assignments they’re willing to go on but by the end Tanya takes things too far and she’s a cautionary tale for Kim. Things between them eventually get a little ugly and their relationship becomes not so healthy.

What was it like working with Tina Fey? I have to admit it was intimidating at first when you know you’re working with someone who is one of the greatest sketch comedians and comedic actresses of all time. We were kind of thrown together in the way our characters in the film meet, but Tina is such a wonderful person, so generous and friendly, that she made it very easy for me to feel comfortable working with her. Tina is also so talented and so good at what she does that when you’re on the set she inspires you to lift your game.

Were you familiar with some of her films? Oh, of course. I love Mean Girls. I can recite most of the lines the film and sometimes I would do that in front of Tina until I remembered that she actually wrote the script. [Laughs.]

Your career seems to keep gaining momentum. After playing a very glamorous and sexy role in The Wolf of Wall Street, is it hard to steer clear of the bombshell tag that comes with that kind of character? I’m not very thrilled with being labelled that way. It minimises your work in a film like that where you’re working with Martin Scorsese and Leonardo DiCaprio. I don’t want to be reduced to the clichés that come with being called sexy or a blonde bombshell. I want to keep looking for roles where the main interest will be in the character itself; her importance in driving a story forward rather than her relationship with the male character. But I think films like The Wolf of Wall Street and Focus gave me a chance to play very charismatic and clever women – even though they do have a glamorous side.

As a child growing up in Australia, were you one of those girls who was a natural-born actress? I was always creating in talent shows and putting on little plays. I would force my family to pay one dollar for each performance! [Laughs.] Then in high school I took an acting course and that pretty much made up my mind as to what I wanted to do with my life.

You skipped university to go straight into acting, didn’t you? When I was 17, I found a job working on the Australian TV series Neighbours straight out of high school and moved to Melbourne to live there, and I never had the chance to go to university. But I would still get to go to all the parties with some of my friends and at least I got to experience some of the fun side of university life. Sometimes students would come up to me saying they hadn’t seen me around before and ask me what I was studying and I would say, “marine biology”. I kept going to all the parties and usually I would invent a new major each time.

With all the films you’ve been working on this past year, are you going to be taking time off? I won’t have a chance to take a break until August, and even then I might be working on another project. Between now and then, I’ll be doing promotional work for my films so I don’t think I’ll be able to have any serious time off until next year. But I love what I’m doing and I’m trying to enjoy every minute of it. So for the next year I’m going to continue being the girl with the suitcase.

You’ve said in the past how much you enjoy travelling. Any wild experiences you’d like to share? I went to Italy for two months with some of my friends and we went to San Marco square [in Venice] where we had some Cokes, but the bill was so incredibly high that we ran off like mad without paying. But unfortunately one of the girls had left her backpack behind with her passport and so we had to go back. We all had to pay a fine!

[samanthasroberts]

The Best Bachelor in Paradise Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 2

Last night in Paradise we finally said goodbye and fuck you to Chad, got to see round 2 of Nick Viall vs. Josh Murray drama, and my ED Evan gaydar scale practically exploded after his professions of “love” for Carly. This show is so unscriptedly (not a word? Idc) amazing that ‘paradise’ actually refers to how I feel sitting on my couch watching these losers talk mad shit about each other. So WTF went down last night?

The Chad Breakdown Continues

Chad is definitely still wasted from last night, and Chris Harrison is def just pissed he has to interrupt his robe-lounging to deal with this. “It’s worth it for the **ratings**” – Probably a post-it on Chris Harrison’s mini bar.

Chris Harrison:Where are you going??? Chad: I dont know, Tijuana or something.

Then Leah comes and I’m pretty sure all of America/Bachelor Nation is like, Leah who?

….mmm nope.

Of COURSE she comes on the show and is looking for Chad. Could it BE any more staged???

– Leah talking about Chad / me talking about my dog

said no one ever, until Leah

Okay just had a flashback to Leah throwing Lauren B under the bus. Classy chick! However she does look like Mena Suvari in American Beauty when she cries.

Nick / Leah / Amanda Triangle

Leah gives up on the Chad situation and moves onto her next target, slick Nick.

Nick:– Nick prior to running a controlled empirical study on Leah.

Nick: Thanks for asking me on this date Leah: Thanks for coming …Can you say chemistry??

Leah:– that’s what she said.

Leah:I’m very confident when I say I think I have a lot of qualities that you’re looking for Nick:I really appreciate what you’re saying. I actually think I’m leaning towards Amanda k thx bai.

Nick decides he’s just not that into Leah (probably either her lip injections or her fragrance of desperation, tbd) and moves onto Amanda, mother of 2.

Nick: I love fires and sitting near them Amanda: I love lamp

“No child left behind” – Not Amanda’s parenting philosophy.

Carly and Evan

Evan gets a date card and asks Carly and I literally don’t think I’ve ever seen someone want to cry more after getting a date.

– Evan sounds like the 40 year old virgin describing boobs like bags of sand.

“Evan does give me erectile dysfunction” – An amazing quote that I can’t believe we didn’t think of first

Carly: My brother told me I have to stop dating feminine men…like my first boyfriend now has a boyfriend. And now this again. – Looks like somebody’s got a type!

Carly and Evan have completely opposite reactions to the jabanero kiss:

Evan: My mouth is on fire and I don’t know if it’s the pepper or from kissing Carly.

Carly: I vommitted…and it’s not just from the pepper.

Josh Murray vs. Nick

So before we get into the ancient epic battle between Josh and Nick (more epic than the Sunni-Shiite conflict I can assure you), we feel it’s our duty to reveal what Andi Dorfman wrote about him in her amazing/scandalous tell-all. Basically, according to her (but also like, def true), he was seriously emotionally abusive towards her in all our favorite ways – accusing her of cheating, not letting her spend time with her besties, stalking her social media for signs of other guys, having humil screaming matches in public…you really have to read it to get the full effect. (We’re not even getting paid to say that!!)

Josh on Andi: We were just like, very different in a lot of ways. – He is obviously very pissed about this book.

The Bachelor producers LOVE fucking with Nick Viall’s emotions. Third time still not a charm.

Amanda should’ve stayed with Nick.

Other Miscellanous Lameness

– Daniel

Lace was sadly very uninteresting last night except her eyelash extensions, which are malfunctioning.

Emily’s idea of sexy small talk is unreal:

Emily: What are you thinking about? Jared: Paradise…

Jared is obviously conflicted about hooking up with Emily, like he’s not into her clearly but he doesn’t want to get kicked off. It’s muy interesante how whenever the guys have the roses the girls whore themselves out, and when the girls have the roses the guys pretend to have feelings. Feminist AF.

Week Two Night Two

Second week of paradise, second night of the week that I have to watch the same show for reasons unknown.

This episode starts with Josh and Amanda incessantly making out in front of everyone, while making meerkat noises.

Nick is obviously displeased so he continues to workout on the beach while taking breaks to shed a tear.

Daniel is unhappy because theres a new guy in Paradise who is about to take his love interest awayChristian. I literally do not remember him but apparently Sarah is super into the guy. All we know is that hes really fucking smiley… like hes about to pull out Jamaican steel drums and serenade everyone on the beach.

Daniel yeah or just Canadian.

Meanwhile ED Evan cant shut the fuck up about his date with Carly. Vinny: Wow kissed for a minute and 46 seconds. Evan: 41 seconds! It was like butterfly explosions.

Carly has the talk with Evan where she breaks up with him even though all they did was go on one awful date together. If Carly were a guy she would like never talk to him, ignore him, and then hook up with someone else in front of him.

Now that Evan is my ex-boyfriend Carly.

Enter new guy Brendan. Even Chris Harrison doesnt know who Brendan is (even though Chris Harrison definitely knows who he is and that scene was literally more scripted than a fight on ). Carly falls in love at first sight but doesnt realize that Brendan is dumber than anyone who has ever been on this television show. Brendan picks Haley (or Emily?) on his date.

This time Im doing a bad job in paradise. Like Last time I did a really bad job in paradise but this time Im doing like a worse job. Carly

Before her sisters date Emily drinks a beer and gets wasted which was THE BEST part of this entire episode.

My best friend is going on a date and like now that shes engaged Im so happy. I didnt mean to get like this!! Someone please give her more alcohol.

Brendan and Haleys date was the most absurd thing Ive ever seen. I want to find a woman who wants to give 110% HE IS Brendan Frasier in .

Why would Brendan even notice that the twins switched on him? I could barely tell the difference? But also like, he is giving this like loving we have a connection speech that I promise he would have given to any girl he would have picked. (But apparently not Carly).

Back at the house, because Daniel was supes jealous of Sarah and Christians new connection he makes a little mini date on a daybed for them.

Daniel: I’m an eagle and this eagle knows what he wants.

Sarah: I Just want to be appreciated for who I am and respect who I am. Daniel: Samesies. I hate it when people don’t respect me. Flashback to Daniel one episode ago: I was looking for some good looking girls so far I’m not impressed. Nothing I’d touch, maybe the one blonde girl if I had a couple of drinks in me. So far these are poodles and yorkies and washed up street dogs. I’d have to be white girl wasted to fuck them.

Sarah: DAMN DANIEL!

Sarah refers to Daniel as the goofy one who is weird and kinda dumb but makes her laugh. Can we all agree that Daniel IS Canadian Joey Tribbiani?

Daniel, Romance Expert.

PS Why are all the couples, the self proclaimed sexy six, all making out together in one bed and not like, alone? What is this, the junior prom limo!?

Then the best thing to ever happen on this show happens. Evan self implodes.

The producers first convince him not to leave. Then they somehow manipulate him into thinking that the girl he has the best chance with is Amanda, yes, the one Josh is about to engulf.

Either I was like really high or this was SOOOO funny but watching Evan write a sad handwritten note to himself was probably the best television of life.

Then he pumps himself up by calling himself by his full name. YOURE FRICKIN EVAN BASS .. however I am pretty sure he meant it in the sense that like, he is like related to Chuck Bass and thats what makes him cool. Yes I fully believe Evan watches .

Then the producers convince him to walk up to Amanda and Josh while theyre hooking up to ask Amanda out. Whether this was scripted or not, this was good. The other reason for him doing this was his chance to get closer to Josh. Think about it, Chad was pretty hot and Evan loved stirring the pot with him on . Now he wants to get steamy with Josh. I can see that exciting little Evan. Aka Ogie from the movie (obscure but like, so accurate).

Don’t do it Evan, this will end poorly!! – all of America.

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Source: http://allofbeer.com/the-best-bachelor-in-paradise-recap-youll-ever-read-week-2/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2018/09/30/the-best-bachelor-in-paradise-recap-youll-ever-read-week-2/

[adambstingus]

The Best Bachelor in Paradise Recap You’ll Ever Read: Week 2

Last night in Paradise we finally said goodbye and fuck you to Chad, got to see round 2 of Nick Viall vs. Josh Murray drama, and my ED Evan gaydar scale practically exploded after his professions of “love” for Carly. This show is so unscriptedly (not a word? Idc) amazing that ‘paradise’ actually refers to how I feel sitting on my couch watching these losers talk mad shit about each other. So WTF went down last night?

The Chad Breakdown Continues

Chad is definitely still wasted from last night, and Chris Harrison is def just pissed he has to interrupt his robe-lounging to deal with this. “It’s worth it for the **ratings**” – Probably a post-it on Chris Harrison’s mini bar.

Chris Harrison:Where are you going??? Chad: I dont know, Tijuana or something.

Then Leah comes and I’m pretty sure all of America/Bachelor Nation is like, Leah who?

….mmm nope.

Of COURSE she comes on the show and is looking for Chad. Could it BE any more staged???

– Leah talking about Chad / me talking about my dog

said no one ever, until Leah

Okay just had a flashback to Leah throwing Lauren B under the bus. Classy chick! However she does look like Mena Suvari in American Beauty when she cries.

Nick / Leah / Amanda Triangle

Leah gives up on the Chad situation and moves onto her next target, slick Nick.

Nick:– Nick prior to running a controlled empirical study on Leah.

Nick: Thanks for asking me on this date Leah: Thanks for coming …Can you say chemistry??

Leah:– that’s what she said.

Leah:I’m very confident when I say I think I have a lot of qualities that you’re looking for Nick:I really appreciate what you’re saying. I actually think I’m leaning towards Amanda k thx bai.

Nick decides he’s just not that into Leah (probably either her lip injections or her fragrance of desperation, tbd) and moves onto Amanda, mother of 2.

Nick: I love fires and sitting near them Amanda: I love lamp

“No child left behind” – Not Amanda’s parenting philosophy.

Carly and Evan

Evan gets a date card and asks Carly and I literally don’t think I’ve ever seen someone want to cry more after getting a date.

– Evan sounds like the 40 year old virgin describing boobs like bags of sand.

“Evan does give me erectile dysfunction” – An amazing quote that I can’t believe we didn’t think of first

Carly: My brother told me I have to stop dating feminine men…like my first boyfriend now has a boyfriend. And now this again. – Looks like somebody’s got a type!

Carly and Evan have completely opposite reactions to the jabanero kiss:

Evan: My mouth is on fire and I don’t know if it’s the pepper or from kissing Carly.

Carly: I vommitted…and it’s not just from the pepper.

Josh Murray vs. Nick

So before we get into the ancient epic battle between Josh and Nick (more epic than the Sunni-Shiite conflict I can assure you), we feel it’s our duty to reveal what Andi Dorfman wrote about him in her amazing/scandalous tell-all. Basically, according to her (but also like, def true), he was seriously emotionally abusive towards her in all our favorite ways – accusing her of cheating, not letting her spend time with her besties, stalking her social media for signs of other guys, having humil screaming matches in public…you really have to read it to get the full effect. (We’re not even getting paid to say that!!)

Josh on Andi: We were just like, very different in a lot of ways. – He is obviously very pissed about this book.

The Bachelor producers LOVE fucking with Nick Viall’s emotions. Third time still not a charm.

Amanda should’ve stayed with Nick.

Other Miscellanous Lameness

– Daniel

Lace was sadly very uninteresting last night except her eyelash extensions, which are malfunctioning.

Emily’s idea of sexy small talk is unreal:

Emily: What are you thinking about? Jared: Paradise…

Jared is obviously conflicted about hooking up with Emily, like he’s not into her clearly but he doesn’t want to get kicked off. It’s muy interesante how whenever the guys have the roses the girls whore themselves out, and when the girls have the roses the guys pretend to have feelings. Feminist AF.

Week Two Night Two

Second week of paradise, second night of the week that I have to watch the same show for reasons unknown.

This episode starts with Josh and Amanda incessantly making out in front of everyone, while making meerkat noises.

Nick is obviously displeased so he continues to workout on the beach while taking breaks to shed a tear.

Daniel is unhappy because theres a new guy in Paradise who is about to take his love interest awayChristian. I literally do not remember him but apparently Sarah is super into the guy. All we know is that hes really fucking smiley… like hes about to pull out Jamaican steel drums and serenade everyone on the beach.

Daniel yeah or just Canadian.

Meanwhile ED Evan cant shut the fuck up about his date with Carly. Vinny: Wow kissed for a minute and 46 seconds. Evan: 41 seconds! It was like butterfly explosions.

Carly has the talk with Evan where she breaks up with him even though all they did was go on one awful date together. If Carly were a guy she would like never talk to him, ignore him, and then hook up with someone else in front of him.

Now that Evan is my ex-boyfriend Carly.

Enter new guy Brendan. Even Chris Harrison doesnt know who Brendan is (even though Chris Harrison definitely knows who he is and that scene was literally more scripted than a fight on ). Carly falls in love at first sight but doesnt realize that Brendan is dumber than anyone who has ever been on this television show. Brendan picks Haley (or Emily?) on his date.

This time Im doing a bad job in paradise. Like Last time I did a really bad job in paradise but this time Im doing like a worse job. Carly

Before her sisters date Emily drinks a beer and gets wasted which was THE BEST part of this entire episode.

My best friend is going on a date and like now that shes engaged Im so happy. I didnt mean to get like this!! Someone please give her more alcohol.

Brendan and Haleys date was the most absurd thing Ive ever seen. I want to find a woman who wants to give 110% HE IS Brendan Frasier in .

Why would Brendan even notice that the twins switched on him? I could barely tell the difference? But also like, he is giving this like loving we have a connection speech that I promise he would have given to any girl he would have picked. (But apparently not Carly).

Back at the house, because Daniel was supes jealous of Sarah and Christians new connection he makes a little mini date on a daybed for them.

Daniel: I’m an eagle and this eagle knows what he wants.

Sarah: I Just want to be appreciated for who I am and respect who I am. Daniel: Samesies. I hate it when people don’t respect me. Flashback to Daniel one episode ago: I was looking for some good looking girls so far I’m not impressed. Nothing I’d touch, maybe the one blonde girl if I had a couple of drinks in me. So far these are poodles and yorkies and washed up street dogs. I’d have to be white girl wasted to fuck them.

Sarah: DAMN DANIEL!

Sarah refers to Daniel as the goofy one who is weird and kinda dumb but makes her laugh. Can we all agree that Daniel IS Canadian Joey Tribbiani?

Daniel, Romance Expert.

PS Why are all the couples, the self proclaimed sexy six, all making out together in one bed and not like, alone? What is this, the junior prom limo!?

Then the best thing to ever happen on this show happens. Evan self implodes.

The producers first convince him not to leave. Then they somehow manipulate him into thinking that the girl he has the best chance with is Amanda, yes, the one Josh is about to engulf.

Either I was like really high or this was SOOOO funny but watching Evan write a sad handwritten note to himself was probably the best television of life.

Then he pumps himself up by calling himself by his full name. YOURE FRICKIN EVAN BASS .. however I am pretty sure he meant it in the sense that like, he is like related to Chuck Bass and thats what makes him cool. Yes I fully believe Evan watches .

Then the producers convince him to walk up to Amanda and Josh while theyre hooking up to ask Amanda out. Whether this was scripted or not, this was good. The other reason for him doing this was his chance to get closer to Josh. Think about it, Chad was pretty hot and Evan loved stirring the pot with him on . Now he wants to get steamy with Josh. I can see that exciting little Evan. Aka Ogie from the movie (obscure but like, so accurate).

Don’t do it Evan, this will end poorly!! – all of America.

div.body_middle_part_right .bodypart:nth-child(n+2),a.prevBody{display:none;}

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/the-best-bachelor-in-paradise-recap-youll-ever-read-week-2/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/178602825797