#jane eyre really is the goddamn best. like it really is

[britneyshakespeare]

did i tell you guys i got my dad to start reading jane eyre

[soulmate-game]

Curiosity Killed the Exorcist

“And then, see here? You have to be on the lookout for subtle signs like these. This indicates that he’s…” Marinette nodded as Tim continued explaining, pointing out various body language and other clues out on the Batcomputer. It had only been about six months since the Batfam collectively adopted the little ladybug into their menagerie of heroes, and started teaching her deductive habits and skills. She would not allow them anywhere near Paris on pain of death (some of them had already tried, and Bruce was still recovering from the bruise to his ego. The bruise on his ass from being teleported out of the city and onto the stone of the Batcave was gone, though) but she welcomed any help they could give from within Gotham’s city limits.

Usually, at least in the beginning, they did their mentorship at a distance over video call. But then Tim found out her identity, and Marinette made the excuse of wanting to meet with them in person to gauge their trustworthiness for herself and erase their memories of her identity if they failed her test— and, well, it all snowballed from there until she was teleporting to the Batcave every few days for detective lessons. She was practically a Bat herself, if not for her out of theme codename. And she found herself surprisingly comfortable with the thought of them being a… very eccentric extended family.

Tim was flipping to another saved video in the Batcomputer archives to show another example of his current lesson, when Tikki flew up to Marinette in a hurry. She was holding Kaalki’s glasses. The little kwami whispered something in Marinette’s ear, instantly making the teen blanch and force on the glasses.

“Sorry Timmy, gotta cut this short! I’ll come back tomorrow to make up for it! Okay? Okay! Awesome, you’re the best, bye!” She ignored all of Tim’s protests and rapid fire questions, instead opening up a portal and jumping through it as fast as humanly possible. The portal has barely disappeared before an all-too-familiar voice rose up from behind Tim.

“Maybe I’m still drunk, ‘cause I could’a sworn I just saw a portal closing in the damned Batcave, of all places,” the British-accented drawl was accompanied by the flick of a lighter and accompanying fizzle of a flame. Tim groaned, mentally making a note to ask how in the world Marinette had known that John “Annoying asshole” Constantine was showing up soon, and if he could be in on the warning next time. Bruce, cowl still off, walked over from where he had been sparring with Damian and crossed his arms. He had also heard Marinette’s hasty exit, and made a few mental notes of his own before focusing on the exorcist in front of him.

“What do you want, Constantine?” he grumbled. Any time the blond brit showed up, things only got far more complicated than he ever enjoyed. And he always gave Bruce a migraine, to boot.

“Two things actually, Batsy,” John held up to fingers as his free hand tucked his lighter away in his pocket. His unlit cigarette stayed in his mouth though, probably just for the familiar feel of it. “One; I’m gonna need you to tell me why there was a portal closing when I walked in, because I’ll be honest. The implications there are way more interesting than what I came here for in the first place.”

“None of your business. What’s the second thing?” Bruce immediately shot him down, but John was not one to be deterred. He never fucking was.

“But you hate magic! You make sure I know that all too bloody well every time I pay you a visit, so why the sudden change in heart? Huh?”

“Drop it, Constantine. What. Do you. Want?”

“Fine, fine. I need your help with…”

— * — * — * — * — *

A week later, Marinette was sitting with Jason and Damian in one of the manor’s sitting rooms, the three of them just minding their own business and silently enjoying one another’s presence. Even if two of them would never admit it. Jason was reading Jane Eyre for the millionth time, Damian was leaning against Titus on the ground as he sketched, and Marinette was embroidering a sunhat. Unfortunately for her, Alfred the Cat was currently asleep on her lap and thus holding her hostage.

Even as Tikki flew up to her ear in a panic and whispered, making Marinette prick herself with her needle. She hissed for a second but shrugged off the familiar pain, much more concerned with whatever news Tikki had given her. Damian and Jason were already on high alert from the second that a whispered curse had left her lips, and were staring straight at her and her kwami and Marinette frantically tried to find a way to get up without awakening the cat sleeping on her.

“Uh, what’s wrong?” Jason asked, feeling thoroughly confused and left out. On one hand, he knew that if they were in physical danger she would have moved Alfred the Cat without hesitation. On the other, he did not like the sheer amount of anxiety he could see her experiencing. Marinette’s frantic eyes shot over to him, pupils mere pinpricks and hands mouth agape as she tried to form some sort of plan.

“Uh— “

“Ah! You must be the fair maiden that the Bats are comfortable with using magic around them,” John goddamned Constantine threw the door to the sitting room open wide, making it bounce off of the wall and lightly smack back against his shoulder. He ignored it as he grinned at the three younger people in the room, waltzing in casual as anything. He wagged a finger at her playfully. “I’ve been awfully curious about you, ya know? Brucie boy knows a shit ton of magic users, but he never likes seein’ any of us do our thing. And to not only allow you to teleport without any apparent discomfort but to actively protect your identity from me? Now that’s a damn accomplishment and I really gotta applaud you for it,” he mockingly clapped his hands a few times. “So what’s your secret, huh? I won’t tattle.”

“No thanks. Kaalki, a little help?” Marinette carefully pushed Alfred the Cat off of her lap before diving into the portal that Kaalki whipped up for her, the entire process happening so fast that Constantine couldn’t even get out a proper “hey!” before she was gone and the portal closed. He just nodded, hooking his thumbs in his pockets.

“Ya know what? Fair. That’s fair.”

“Goddamn it, Constantine!” Jason threw up his hands in frustration. “Why the fuck do you have to scare away one of the only sane people in this family?”

“Part of my charm, little red riding hood.”

— * — * — * — * — *

“You know, I’ve been pretty damn nice not teleporting right over to you whenever you disappear. So why don’t you just tell me why you’re avoiding me now that we happen to be in the same room by complete accident, huh?” John asked from where he sat in one of Bruce’s lounge chairs sipping on a beer. Marinette mimed choking him, clearly fed up. He had been trying to have a conversation with her for the past three months, ever since that one time he caught the tail end of her portal closing in the Batcave. Three. Long. Months. And he hadn’t given up, because something about this little Parisian teenager intrigued him. She was sixteen, that much he had gathered from the Bats. But to be sixteen and not only in possession of the Horse miraculous but also clearly the Ladybugs, since he had seen Tikki more than once as well, now that was interesting.

Anybody being in the possession of more than one Miraculous was already cause enough to be keeping an eye on them, which was why he had been keeping an eye on the Paris situation and had pieced together on his own that the presence of Tikki meant that this little parisian teenager was none other than Ladybug herself. Now, that? That was a whole new level of concerning, especially since he knew firsthand that the old Grand Guardian was gone and passed his title down to— yeah, Ladybug.

After that deduction, his interest in Marinette had swiftly switched from curiosity to fuck-I-need-to-know-what’s-going-on-here. Because no kid should have to deal with that kind of weight, and Constantine always looked out for kids when he could.

But right then, Marinette was glaring at him. She had been just coming over for a normal “family” dinner with the Waynes, which she attended from time to time. And apparently they had decided to have Constantine already over so that they could chaperone a meeting between them that would hopefully appease the stupid british magic user enough that he left them all alone again until the next time he needed help.

“Believe me when I say, you’d rather not know,” she replied sharply, glaring Dick. He was the one who had convinced her to come despite her recent close calls with Constantine in the past few days. He studiously avoided her gaze. “I just would rather not cross your path, and there’s no reason for us to interact. Why do you care, anyway?”

“You see, now that is an excellent question!” he chugged the last of his beer and gestured to her with the empty bottle. “Normally, I wouldn’t give a flying rat’s ass. But I’ve put two and two together, since I know who Tikki is,” he nodded to the red and black Kwami. “And maybe I just wanna keep an eye on the new Grand Guardian to make sure she’s doin’ alright. That’s an awful lot of magic and responsibility that you don’t deserve, but I’m not about to try to take it away. Keepin’ an eye on you is the next best thing.”

“Try again,” Marinette shot back, crossing her arms. “You were interested in me before you learned about me being Ladybug.”

“I’m nosy, what do you want me to say? I saw a portal in Batman’s man-cave, I get curious. Sue me.”

“Well. I have Bruce and everyone else already watching out for me, so you can leave me alone now. If I need your help, I’ll make sure to ask every other magic user first before contacting you.”

“Woah, now what’s all this venom for?”

“Uh, maybe we should go and actually eat dinner?” Dick tried to step in, hands up. Constantine had stood up from the chair he was in, which was usually a cue to change the subject as fast as possible. “Before Alfred has to come get us?”

“Maybe I’ll be less venomous if you let the subject drop and leave me alone!”

“Context would be nice, though.”

“Seriously guys, let’s go! Food!” Dick was once again ignored.

“Context is the last thing you need in this situation,” Marinette’s voice was suddenly soft, her arms dropping to her sides. “We’ve had this conversation so many times in so many now-deleted timelines. Just drop it this time.”

“If those timelines are now-deleted, then I obviously don’t remember what’s so bad about telling me why you’re acting like I’m some hated family member you’re avoiding!”

Silence.

Pure. Fucking. Silence. As they all watch with front row seats as Marinette flinches at the word ‘family’.

Pure silence as Constantine’s shoulders drop at the sight of her flinch, realization slapping itself on his face.

“No.”

“See? I fucking knew you would— that this would happen. This always happens, you always hate finding it out, but you’re so— so stubborn!” Marinette was blinking away tears, digging in her pockets and bringing out Kaalki’s glasses. “You’ll drop it now, at least. You always do.”

“Now what is that supposed to mean?” Constantine rubbed his forehead, still trying to sort through his amalgam of emotions. Marinette just shook her head, turning to Kaalki.

“Do you mind showing Monsieur Constantine the way out, Kaalki? I’ll grab you a load of sugar cubes afterward.”

“No, wait, hang on a second!”

A portal opened up under him, making John “Stubborn Idiot” Constantine drop ten feet down onto the hardwood, polished floor of his house. His bruised tailbone would take a while to heal, but his frazzled mind was by far the more concerning development. He staggered to his feet, reaching for the nearest bottle of tequila.

“Ugh, fuck my damn life.”

— * — * — * — * — *

“Marinette..?” Damian nudged the girl with his shoulder, frowning. It was after dinner that same day, and as much as he hated to admit it he had grown to actually like having her around. She was a good friend to have. And seeing her slumped back on one of their sofas, sketchbook covering her face and not a single rambling conversation to be had or heard? It was very concerning. She just made a groaning sound to answer him, prompting his frown to deepen. “Are you alright?”

“I just can’t believe that such a sweet, adorable thing like you is half made up of Constantine’s genes,” Jason mused bluntly from the opposite couch, where he tossed a rubber ball up and down out of boredom. “But now I see where you get all of your Disaster Bi-ness from.”

“Shut uuuuup,” She groaned, chucking her sketchbook at him. He caught it in midair, replacing his rubber ball with it and tossing it up and down in the air. “I’m just frustrated. This timeline is still perfectly stable, so I can’t erase it. And I can’t exactly ask ‘hey, can someone commit a horrid atrocity that makes this timeline split from the main one so that I can erase it and we can start over from four months ago?’ because that would be horribly irresponsible of me. But seriously, Jason. If you’re gonna ever commit, like, city-wise arson? I’d probably condone it right now if only so I have an excuse to use time travel to get out of this situation.”

“Not committing arson unless you give me a better reason for it, Pigtails.”

“Damn.”

“But are you okay?” Damian asked again, seeing as she had completely ignored him.

“I’m fine, Damian,” she finally sighed. “And I know how this is gonna go. He’s going to totally ignore me now, until we meet during some magical crisis and he only interacts with me when necessary. Then he pretends we never met, we have a private little one-sided whisper-argument about how he will never make a good father figure and I would be better off leaving him alone, blah blah blah. Avoidance is a coping mechanism I guess I inherited from him.”

“Guess it’s a good thing I’m trying to bite that in the bud then, eh?” Marinette startled out of her sitting position, seeing John stumble into the room…

Drunk off his ass. But apparently still at least mildly coherent.

“I agree with deleted-me’s, I’m not gonna be a dad. Not me,” he tripped, landing on his still-bruised ass and hissing in pain before continuing from the floor; “So if you’re looking for another Daddy dearest, that ain’t me.”

“See, I knew this is how you’d—”

“Let me finish,” he interrupted. “I don’t know how long the booze is gonna last and I need it’s courage here. ‘Kay? ‘Kay. Where was I? Right. But I know magic, ya know. The kind that doesn’t rely on little bobblehead gods to do. I got— like, a million books. Shit ton of books. At my place. Ya can read ‘em. My books. At my place. But I ain’t gonna parent, but I can lend ya books. Maybe give magic advice. Teach a little. Little bit. Didn’t think I’d have a child, but apparently I do and she’s the fuckin’ grand guardian and a damn hero, and I don’t know how the fuck I was able to help make someone like that. But whatever, it’s not like the world’s ever fuckin’ been easy on me,” He pulled out a sample-sized bottle of whiskey from one of the pockets on the inside of his trench coat and chugged it. After a brief wince and hiss at the burn, he kept rambling. “My door’s open, is what I’m tryin’ to say. No guarantee I’ll be in any state to talk to when you walk through it, but it’s open.”

Deciding to steadfastly ignore the tears streaming down her face, Marinette just swallowed thickly and nodded.

“I, uh. I think I can work with that.”

John barely made it to the nearby bin in time to vomit into it.

— * — * — * — * — *

I hate my imagination sometimes, guys. I started imagining a convo between Mari and Constantine at like 4am and it wouldn't leave me alone until I got it down. but by the time I wrote it, I kinda forgot like 60% of the original convo and just winged it. And this was born. I 100% blame @multifandomscribette because their Bio!dad John Constantine headcannons are amazing and even though this isn't in that universe, those headcannons are exactly what inspired this. So blame them, lol.

[indefiniteimagines]

Not Even For A Minute || Poussey Washington Imagine *Requested*

Summary: Poussey has a crush on the reader and thinks she doesn’t like her back, but she does.

Pairing: Poussey Washington x Reader

Warnings: Fem!reader, lewd language/comments, language, reader doesn’t have a preferred sexual orientation, use of R slur, angst, fluff

A/N: Holy shit! This is my first piece of writing in actually only a couple of months, but I’m claiming years because I am officially back like I was in high school. I’m so sorry if this is not my best, I am EXTREMELY rusty, so take it easy on me for now :) 

It was dinner time at Lichfield and it was only my second meal in my new home. My new home filled with almost 200 other women. For the next 5 years, I will see the inside of this cafeteria 3 times a day, 21 times a week, 1,095 times a year and a whopping 5,473 times in total. You’re probably wondering why that matters, but it matters.

I take my tray and do a quick search for a place to sit. I find a spot at the very end of one of the middle tables. It was the only seat with no one in a two foot radius of me. I sit down and look at the food in front of me. My first dinner includes spaghetti, two mini oranges, a salad, and a brownie. It’s not horrible when you think about it. It’s a pretty standard meal. Well it would be without the questionable odor coming from the meatballs. I close my eyes and sigh. 

“Maybe she’s deaf.”

“She ain’t deaf.”

“HELLO!”

“She can’t hear you if she’s deaf, dummy.”

“Fine, then you try, Angie.”

I was so deep in my own world that I almost didn’t notice the cherry tomato that hit me in my head. 

“Hey, girl!”

I opened my eyes and looked to my left.

“Are you talking to me?” I asked with a hint of a nervous tone.

“Uh yeah, have been for the last 5 hours. You retarded or something?”

“5 hours ago? No that can’t be right. Remember, we was in the laundry room 5 hours ago, Tucky.”

“Jesus, Angie! I was being snide.”

“You mean sarcastic?”

“Snide means sarcastic.”

“Then why not just say sarcastic?”

I watched as “Tucky” closed her eyes and tilted her head in annoyance.

“I’m sorry, but did you guys need something?”

Tucky’s eyes snapped open, “Uh, yeah. Why’re you sitting here?” She took her bottom lip into her mouth as she waited for my response.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know anyone was sitting here.”

“She never said that,” Angie said while flashing her pearly browns.

“I’m confused.”

“Wow maybe she really is retarded,” Angie said.

“Tucky” nodded at Angie, “I think you’re right, Ang. Here, I’ll break it down real slow like for you: You don’t belong here.”

“Look, I don’t want any trouble. Just let me finish my dinner and I’ll never sit with you again.” I tried to reason with the little troll, but she just wasn’t having it. 

She nodded her head while picking up her milk carton. She then poured it all over my food. “Seems to me like you’re done.”

All I could do was stare with my mouth open. 

“Why did you do that?!”

“BECAUSE YOU DON’T BELONG HERE!” She screamed as she stood up and let one of her fist hit the metal table.

“Dogget! You’re done! Empty your tray.” A CO finally intervened from the next row over. Dogget and her Meth Mates got up from the table and walked out. 

All I could do was sit there with my head hanging low as I let a few tears escape. I’m not usually this weepy, but in my defense, all I wanted was that little brownie...which was now swimming in a pool of used milk. 

*A few tables over*

“Fuck was that about?” Poussey asked her family as she nodded her head over to the other table; finally arriving with her tray. 

“Mmmm, Meth Mouth and her cult were fuckin’ with one of the newbies,” Janae replied in the middle of finishing her bite.

Poussey hovered over her chair to get a good look at the bothered inmate and sat back down while shaking her head. 

After having a mini pity party for myself, I got up and dumped my spoiled tray before leaving the cafeteria. I go back to my temporary bunk and buried myself under my blanket. 

“Cheer up, Kid. You’ll be out of here sooner than you know.”

I gave a pitiful grin to the nice older woman.

“I like your eyeshadow.”

“Duh,” she said as she threw me a wink.  

I let out a sigh, got comfortable and laid in my bed until morning.

I finally fell asleep, but only for 2 hours. At the ass crack of dawn, I was woken up by the morning announcement, which had absolutely no enthusiasm. “Good morning, ladies. Try to seize the day. The world is your oyster.”

“You’d think she’d quit if she hates her job so much.” That was the first time I heard the redhead with the horrible bed head speak.

“Bell is about as enthusiastic as a wet bag of hair, but she’s one of the good ones.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” she said groggily.  

“You joining us for breakfast?”

I drifted back to sleep before I could hear her response. I woke up in what seemed like an hour, but was only 30 minutes. For the slightest second I forgot where I was. I opened my eyes and was met with DeMarco standing right in front of me.

“Well good morning sleepyhead! Nice of you to join the living.”

“What? What time is it?”

“You see a clock in here? What I do know is that you got 10 minutes left for breakfast. You better hurry.”

I hop down off my bunk and start to change.

“Thanks.” 

“You don’t talk much, do you?”

I gave her a shrug as I zipped up my jacket and headed for breakfast. I arrived in the cafeteria and was able to get my food right away since there was no line. Some tables are still filled, but some are also empty. I scan the room and pick the table farthest away from Doggett and her followers. I was in the middle of eating my eggs when Angie walked by and sneezed on my tray. 

“Oops, ‘scuse me,” she said with a shit eating grin.

“God damnit,” I whisper to myself while trying not to deck this bitch.

“You shouldn’t say the Lord’s name in vain like that.”

I look up at her through hooded eyes, “Walk the fuck away.” My voice was low and I kind of scared myself.

“Oooo, devil eyes. Hey! She’s got devil eyes,” she says louder than the first time, except now she’s giggling and pointing at me while backing away. Doggett sucks her bottom lip at me while flipping her hood and getting up to walk out. I can feel people starring so I do a very quick observation and then stand up to leave. 

“Empty your tray,” the guard at the door told me. “Get some coffee while you’re at it. It’ll help you stay full until lunch.”

 I look up at his name that’s stitched into his shirt. Ohhhh, so this is O’Neil. I heard some of the girls talking about his scandalous relationship with CO Bell. Good for them. I turned around and went to dump my tray before following the advice and going for the coffee. 

“Yo, why they always fucking with her?” Poussey asked the table as she watched in disapproval as Y/N dumped her tray.

“Why do you care?” Taystee asked while rolling her eyes.

“For real? You ain’t notice that ever since China got out, Prince Charming over here been lookin’ for a new helpless, basket case? I mean, shit.”

“Aye don’t talk about Brook like that. Not cool, Cindy.”

“ “Cindy”? Bitch, fuck you think you is? My mama? Ugh, check ya tone.”

“Whatever man. I’m just tired of seeing Meth Madness fuck with people like they run the place.”

“Again, why do you care?”

“Shit just ain’t right, is all.”

“Mmmhmm,” Taystee replied as they got up from the table.

I turn around after filling my mug and notice that it’s just me, the inmates that clean up and the CO’s supervising them. I carry my warm mug through the halls and I notice there’s not as many people crowding them as there were last night. 

“Inmate! Where you are supposed to be?”

“Uhm, I’m not really sure.”

“Wrong answer!”

“Wrong?”

“Don’t get smart with me. Jefferson! Tell inmate...Y/L/N where she’s supposed to be.”

“Well, since it’s after lunch, we’re supposed to be headed to our work detail. Not whatever you was doing, apparently.”

The tall guard with the creepy mustache looked down at me and raised his eyebrows.

“Thank you, Jefferson.”

“I don’t have a work detail yet.”

He closed his eyes and sighed. When he opens them he looked back at Jefferson, “you work in the library, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Take her with you.”

She sucked her teeth, “Man, what do I say when someone asks why she’s there? No offense, but I ain’t taking no shots just because she’s somewhere she’s not supposed to be.”

“What’s a shot?”

“Jesus fuck. Will you both get out of my goddamn sight?” 

He snatched my mug; Jefferson and I gave each other a look and started towards the library. When we got there it was almost empty.

“You know, the labels are there to help the books be put back in their respectful place, not to look cute. I mean, damn.” I notice Jefferson chuckle at the girl we hear before seeing. She’s talking to a pair of inmates who are whispering to each other before tossing another book down and scurrying off. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?!” she calls after them, but to no avail. She sighs to herself before returning back to work. 

“Hey, P! Whatchu up to?”

“Practically cleaning up behind bitches. I mean, why is it so hard to put a book back in its original spot? Jane Eyre belongs in literature, not SAT Prep,” she called back.

“Truly first world problems,” Jefferson said unamused.

“Yooo, you ever heard of “Oedipus”? It’s mad crazy. Like this one part where the main dude...” she kept talking as she rounded the corner to finally come face to face with us.

“...who’s this?”

“Our puppy dog for the day,” Jefferson said as she rolled her eyes.

“Oh alright then. Well I’m working over here in history. Y’all can start in fiction. It’s a fuckin mess over there.”

“Um, then why don’t we all work in fiction?”

“Did you not hear me say it’s a fuckin mess? Have fun.”

I walked away, smiling to myself. I didn’t think anyone here would care for books like I did.

After the work day was over, I separated from the two friends and went back to my temporary bunk until dinner. The next day I followed Jefferson back into the library.

“Oh, puppy dog is back.”

Jefferson turned her head to me, “Don’t you know when you gettin your work detail yet?“

“Sorry, still no.”

“As much as I’m sure you love the view you get, I’m gettin tired of you following me.”

“I can ask someone if I can work somewhere else.”

“T-ha! And make me look like a problem? I think not.”

“Nah, we could use the extra help in here since bitches can’t put shit back where it’s supposed to go. Hate to break it to y’all, but foreign language is even worse than fiction was.”

“My god. Can’t you help us over here instead of doing whatever it is the fuck you doin?”

“Uh no.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m President of the Library.”

“Says who!?”

“Suzanne,” she said as a matter of fact while leaning forward to show us her ID that read “President Washington: Library”.

“Aw damn. It’s official and everything. Man, that’s some bull shit,” Jefferson said as she walked away.

All I did was look at the Presidential badge and smile.

“Since you don’t complain like some people, just know you’re first in line for Vice President. Just don’t tell Taystee,” she told me on the sly.

“Taystee?”

“Jefferson.”

“Ohh, got it.”

“I’m Poussey, by the way,” she said extending her hand.

“Y/N. Nice to meet you.”

“Yeah you too.”

She has a beautiful smile.

Towards the end of the work day, I found myself near Poussey’s section. Since our work for the time being is pretty much done, I start to browse the shelves when I spot a book dear to my heart, “Alice in Wonderland”. I get a mini rush of serotonin and pop a squat up against one of the shelves. I lose track of time, until I realize I no longer see anyone. “Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality”. You are right about that, Mr. Carroll.

“Hello?” I’m immediately startled. I start to shuffle to my feet and by the time I stand, I’m met with someone else.

“Whoa, shit. My bad. I didn’t think anyone else was in here.” Shit, I must’ve I said that out loud.

“Sorry, I guess I lost track of time.”

“It’s cool. So you haven’t been assigned a work duty yet, huh?”

I shook my head.

“I, uh, I must admit that this is the best job. Call me bias, but it’s the truth.”

“Thanks,” I say with a slight smile.

“You’re the one Pennsatucky and her crew keep messing with.”

“Yeah, that’s me.”

“Y’all got beef on the outside or something?”

“No, but I found it’s better to not provoke a methed out mental case.”

“Not wrong there. Well, I’ll see you around. Oh and be careful with Alice, she’s my favorite.”

The next few days were the same. I would follow Taystee into the library and listen to her and Poussey be absolute clowns. Poussey and I got to be closer since we were usually the last two to leave. We talked about how much time we have, our family, and she even told me about the Vee drama. During my stint of unpaid work in the library, I was finally able to change out of the highlighter jumpsuit and into a khaki set.

After an hour or so into a shift, I found myself distracted with my favorite book, “In Five Years”.

“Oh uh, that goes on the second to last shelf right behind you.”

“Huh? Oh yeah. It was actually already in the right spot, but it’s one of my favorites,” I tell her as I put the book back.

“What’s it about?”

“This woman named Dannie-“

“Y/L/N!”

We both looked towards the door and saw and the same pasty CO that sent me here.

“With me.”

I gave Poussey a grin and walked towards the CO,

“Where are we going?”

He didn’t answer me and just kept walking. I followed him to a warehouse that smelled of Clorox and musty water.

“Janitorial. Your job assignment. Morello will fill you in on what to do.”

“Oh yeah I can do that. No problem.”

The first couple of hours involved cleaning the halls, but I moved on to the Spanish bathrooms. Poussey was right, the library was the best job to have.

*A few weeks later at dinner

“I don’t know why you’d let Edward Scissorhands cut your hair and not me.”

“Because Danita only charges me a bag of Doritos. Not two cokes. Plus, she don’t even ask for the Cool Ranch flavor!”

“Beggars can’t be choosers. I do two cokes worth of work, Child.”

I laughed at Taystee and Sophia having their little banter in the food line. I walked with them to the table and sat down.

“...but then the dragon realized the little ghost girl was friendly, even though she was cold as ice. Fire and ice, that would never work!”

“Why not? What happened to opposites attract?” I ask sort of challengingly. 

“Mommy said ice is used to put out fires. Well, technically water is used to put out fires but ice is just water in solid form. So the fire would go out!”

“But do you know what happens when fire and ice mix?”

“The world goes dark?”

“No. They make steam,” I gave Poussey a “subtle” smirk.

“Mommy says steam is for showers, crab legs and “fun times”.

“I miss making steam with a fine gentleman with a curve on that dick.”

We all laughed along at what Cindy said and I agreed with her.

“There are just some things your fingers can’t accomplish,” I said jokingly while being serious. She pointed her fork at me, “I like her.”

Poussey was noticeably quiet throughout the rest of dinner. Only chiming in to seem interested. She didn’t even finish her tray before she was dipping out.

“Wait I’ll come with you.”

“Nah, stay and eat. I’ll catch you later.”

“Uh oh. Trouble is Lezzy Paradise?”

I almost didn’t hear Cindy as I kept watching Poussey leave the cafeteria.

“Stop it.”

Taystee rolled her eyes and shook her head.

For the next few days, it was hard to get ahold of Poussey. Since we knew each other’s schedules, it was easy for her to avoid me.

Meals were no better. She made sure to get there early so by the time I was sitting down, she was done.

“Aye, you need to fix that,” Janae told me with her eyebrow raised.

“I don’t know what the problem is.”

“I know you are not that dumb,” Boo said as she sat across from me.

“She’s kicking her own ass because she broke the #1 rule of being interested in pussy...” she continued.

I looked at her as I was waiting for her to continue.

“Never fall in love with a straight girl!”

“Love? What-When did I say I was straight-”

“The other night when that one was talkin bout curved dick and you chimed in basically foamin at the mouth at the thought,” Taystee said.

“Noooo, I was joking.”

“Yeah well, apparently she don’t know that.” I looked at Janae and sighed.

I had to wait until the weekend to see her. It was pouring rain and there was a leak in the library and the cleaning warehouse had a slight flood, so neither of us had work.

I snuck my way to her bunk only to discover her to not be there.

“There’s only one place she’d go...” Janae told me.

I made my way down and opened the door.

She was right.

“...there was another before you, but she got out. There’s a time machine in the laundry room. That was their place. That’s where she goes to think.”

“How’d you find me?”

“Your bunkie.”

“What do you want?”

“What’s going on? Why are you being so weird?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said standing up.

“Are we not friends anymore?”

“Friends,” she said with a sarcastic chuckle.

“Can we please sit?” I gestured to the inside of her hiding spot. She backed up slightly to let me further in to the time machine and we both sat down. Neither of us said anything for a while until I did,

“I’m not gay...”

She nodded her head with a sad smile on her face.

“...but I’m not straight either. I’m just me. I’ve dated guys, I’ve had experiences with girls-”

“Experiences? But you’ve never dated a girl?”

“No, but for the past few weeks, I’ve really wanted to,” I said with a slight smile.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because of this. I didn’t want to say something stupid and mess this up. And because I’ve never dated a girl before, but I have dated guys, I didn’t want you to think I was using you. I thought that because I don’t identify as anything, you wouldn’t like me back.”

“I thought you didn’t like me.”

“I didn’t want you to get hurt.”

“Look, I got my heart broken not too long ago by a girl that promised me forever. She didn’t identify as anything either and she ended up falling in love with a dude when she got out. We were both in a dark place when we met and getting to know each other and eventually falling in love helped. I could’ve given up on love and fate, but I haven’t yet. Look, maybe this-..this connection that we have, challenges what you thought you were. And maybe I'm gonna get my heart broken in a thousand different pieces again. But those are maybes. You can't live your life according to maybes.”

The next few months were bliss. Poussey and I have connected on a level I didn’t know was attainable. 

Today is Valentine’s Day and right now we’re back in the time machine. We’re both laying down, holding each other and looking up at the ceiling. 

“It’s about a woman named Dannie who’s this a high-powered corporate lawyer. She’s one of those types who has everything planned out. The story has a lot of twists and turns because her five year plan goes differently than she thought.”

“So why is it your favorite if it’s so inconsistent? For a woman who knows what she wants “Dannie” sure seems okay with settling.”

“It’s my favorite because it mirrors me. It mirrors us. In five years I saw myself at some job a teenager would have with my only responsibility being my phone bill.”

“What do you see now?”

“I see me with our dog, Keith, holding signs with your dad on your release day. Then I see us heading to our apartment where you can see it for the first time in person. Then we’ll go to our jobs, pay rent, and hound our parents for travel money.”

“I’m in your future?”

“You are my future.”

She gave me a kiss when there was a bang on the cardboard door, “Hey kids! They’re doing interviews in the bunks,” Boo informed us.

When we got to her dorm, there were a few guards asking ladies questions about love.

“Does anyone else want to be asked questions?”

“Yeah, I do,” Poussey said while raising her hand.

I feel Taystee put her elbow on my shoulder, “What the hell?” The rest of the family comes around.

“Okay Washington, what is love?”

“Love. It’s just chilling, you know? Kicking it with somebody, talking, making mad stupid jokes. And, like, not even wanting to go to sleep, ‘cause then you might be without ‘em for a minute,” she looked at me, “And you don’t want that.”

•taglist: @mina672

[dearemma]

Did my yearly rewatch of Emma (2009). Every time I think "oh, I know I just personally really like it, I know it's not a masterpiece". But then every time I am actually watching it I am convinced that you know what? It is a masterpiece! The pacing, the colours, the acting. Poetic goddamn cinema. Lightning in a bottle.

IT IS A MASTERPIECE!!! AND YOU SHOULD SAY IT!!! sandy welch is an amazing writer (jane eyre 2006, north and south 2004), she is able to capture the text and put it to screen in a way that respects the author but slightly changes it for a modern audience! the actors are superb (ROMOLA GARAI!! JONNY LEE MILLER! SIR MICHAEL GAMBON).

honestly, its the best austen adaptation (not the best emma adaptation, the best austen one) and it deserves all the respect.

i just love it so much. it captures all the quirks of the minor characters, its so loving towards all of them  (the attention they gave jane and frank??? god, i’d die for them). honestly, i will say, one thing i realized in my last rewatch is that frank in this adaptation is practically perfect. rupert was perfectly charming and warm, with a bare hint of calculation that we know is there, but emma never sees it. we get why emma and the rest of the town would be charmed by him, why wouldn’t they be? frank is supposed to fool everyone. 

and the colors!!! the changes of seasons, the way hartfield changes just slightly everytime. the shots we get of mr. knightley walking.... sandy, release a new adaptation please ma’am. i need it.

[marybeatriceofmodena]

TFW when you try to do Anastasia but you also suck at your job: A Master Class by The Rise of Skywalker

Okay. So, I promised you guys a TROS review, and it’s coming, I promise… except I’ll be making two “spin-off posts” about specific issues just in order to clear up some stuff, mainly because in my mind, those issues are important.

First post is going to be, of course, about Rey’s parentage.

So. After TFA, it would have been possible for Rey to have been the kid of “someone”. However, TLJ made it impossible to do so, unless you’d have some serious, bullshit retconning going on – which is exactly what happened.

I know this is a VERY controversial thing to say at this point, but post-TFA, Rey Palpatine “could” have been possible. Okay, maybe not have her be Palpatine’s granddaughter, but more of a descendant of his.

This said, I “tried” making an origin story for Rey Palpatine that “works” for the purposes of this meta, on a hypothetical basis, while making it consistent with canon (something JJ Abrams and Chris Terrio clearly couldn’t be bothered to do, LMAO). I had plotholes no matter what. I do think I could have eventually found something with a little bit of brainstorming, but truth is, IT’S HARD, and a lot of exposition would have been for novels/comics only.

From a thematic perspective, though? It wouldn’t have been a bad idea. For this to work, though, you would have needed to go on full-blown Romeo and Juliet mode with sprinkles of Anastasia, though. I mean, The Lion King 2 did something similar, so why the fuck not. Because, yeah, Ben Solo, the grandson of Darth Vader, son of Han Solo and Leia Organa, the last prince of Alderaan, who falls in love with the last Imperial princess Rey Palpatine while they’re on opposite sides of the war but not the ones you’d think of is the stuff of fairy tales and star-crossed romances, except this one would have a happy ending and brought peace to the galaxy.

Truth be told, I still really enjoy fanfics who go for that story and find a way to make it work in canonverse or in AUs – because it’s genuinely fun. But in canon itself, as I point out earlier… it’s not easy.

So, we have Rian Johnson who said he made a list of potential origins for Rey while he was working on TLJ’s script. You bet Rey Palpatine was on that list. However, he came to the conclusion that Rey Nobody was the best way to go, and whatdyaknow, he made the right call.

Why? Rey Nobody requires minimal exposition. Storytelling-wise, you don’t have a lot of brainstorming to do, and it’s easy to have Ben revealing it, and easy to present it as a repressed memory of Rey’s. On a thematic level, that puts Rey on the same level as Jane Eyre or the main character from Rebecca: she’s a nobody from nowhere who is thrown into a family drama, and since she’s the glitch in the matrix, she must stop the story from becoming a tragedy.

See? Simple. You got your easy exposition, you got your thematic coherence, and you got the literary call-backs.

So, JJ and Terrio decided to retcon this shit because, as they said, they thought it was boring. I think Colin Trevorrow probably thought it was boring too, because I have my reasons to think a lot of TROS is from him (but more on that in my main review). But thing is, it’s not it’s “boring”, it’s literally that they didn’t know what the fuck to do with Rey. No, more than that, they don’t understand her, and frankly, they can’t be bothered to do so. She’s an empty vessel they can toy with at their ease, and in the process, turn her in a Mary-Sue. Because yes, TROS!Rey was a Mary-Sue, whereas TFA/TLJ!Rey was not. So, what I say above regarding Rey might be a bomb for some, considering how people are (understandably) defensive when it comes to that statement. I promise I will elaborate more about it in the main review, once again.

So, with the lineage aspect addressed, it’s time to talk about Rey’s parents themselves.

It’s hilarious how HARD JJ and Terrio tried to make Kylo’s explanation work – because as much as they butchered the shit out of him, they said: “Well he’s a bad liar, right? Gotta keep that in mind.”

Although, I don’t think it was a case of them being concerned with Kylo’s characterization – they’re not that graceful. They had to figure out QUICK why the hell Kylo wouldn’t have known Rey was a Palpatine from the get-go, because the Force is a great DNA test and shit, and I guess that’s how Palps located Ben’s Mighty Skywalker Blood™. Except that still doesn’t work because Palps couldn’t even locate his own goddamn granddaughter, but I digress.

Seriously, why would Kylo lie to Rey about her being a nobody instead of her being a Palpatine? It makes no sense, because if you’re going to roll with the theory Kylo just wants UNLIMITED POWAH, the Palpatine princess is not only a great asset (since marrying her legitimizes your claim to the throne in the eyes of the Imperial Remnants, I mean, that’s literally why Henry VII married Elizabeth of York), it’s also the one argument she needs to hear in order to sway her to your side. So I guess JJ and Terrio’s one shared brain cell kinda flicked a bit at that moment.

This said, getting the Palpatine princess on his side is clearly Kylo’s intention in TROS (which, again, makes no sense with what was set up in TLJ but that’s something I’m keeping for another post), except they trip all over themselves by having Kylo say he didn’t lie to Rey in TLJ. Except…

So, what Ben said in TLJ was the following:

Her parents sold her for drinking money.

They’re dead and buried in a pauper’s grave somewhere on Jakku.

Rey is related to no one.

Here’s what Ben reveals to Rey in TROS:

Her parents sold her for her protection.

They died on another planet, while being hunted down by a guy working for Palpatine and instructed to bring Rey back to them.

Rey’s dad is a Palpatine and Rey’s mom is Villanelle (nah, for real: the actress who plays Rey’s mom is Jodie Comer).

So, um, yeah, it’s the EXACT opposite of what Ben said in TLJ. Just say Palps was fucking with Ben’s mind-reading or Rey’s memories instead, JJ. Not that “Oh Ben was telling the truth, but he didn’t have the whole story”, because that’s not it.

For the latter, once again, it would have been feasible: the one thing, for me, that was possible to be added was that Rey had killed her parents accidentally, by having their ship to leave Jakku crash down with the Force: that’s what made her Force powers go dormant for all those years and provoked her trauma. It would also make sense that Ben would willfully not bring that back to her memories, because she’d understandably not be able to cope with the truth, which is often what happens to a lot of trauma victims. THAT was the theory I had pre-TROS, because that’s the only answer I could come up with when it came to JJ saying that there was more to Rey’s past. I guess I expected JJ to be, like, actually able to write, lmao.

I even wonder if that was actually in the cards, considering we see Rey in TROS bringing down a transport that supposedly has Chewie in it… but I guess they deemed that to be “too dark” for their heroine. Except the bullshit that comes instead is actually… much worse.

To make things simple, I’ll just take the above points and develop them.

Rey’s parents sold her for her protection.

Okay, so, Rey’s parents need to hide her to make sure Palps doesn’t get his hands on her. Fair enough. This said, why did it have to be Jakku and not, like, ANYWHERE ELSE? Especially that Palpatine had interest in Jakku at some point and that maybe having Rey anywhere close to that place would not be a good idea?

But let’s play the game and say that Jakku is the only place they can hide her because… I don’t know, it’s hard to find someone there with the Force. Whatever. Even then, why the fuck would they think Unkar Plutt is a proper guardian for a tiny little girl? You know they could have walked a few miles more and found a nice old man who likes the Light Side of the Force and the Jedi and all that shit called Lor San Tekka? Hey, why not even try to find a guy like Luke Skywalker who’s like, a Jedi and shit, and have him take care of their little girl and protect her? 

Even then, why the hell doesn’t Rey’s mom stay with her daughter? Her husband is the Palpatine, not her. All Rey’s mom has to do is find a nicer hiding place for her and Rey somewhere on Jakku, like, not Niima Outpost (again, Tuanul is just a few miles away), and just let Dad hide somewhere else. He’s a grownass man, he can take care of himself and he just has to hide on Nar Shaadaa or some shit. Fuck, why don’t all three of them hide on Nar Shaadaa? Or in the Coruscant undercity? ANYWHERE ELSE?

Also, wouldn’t Plutt clearly see two desperate parents as a business opportunity? Like, if you want to do a Les Misérables comparison here, he wouldn’t “buy” Rey from them, he’d try to get money for them à la Thénardier with Fantine. Except Rey’s parents make Fantine look like frigging Einstein because at least she had the excuse of thinking Madame Thénardier would take good care of Cosette since Éponine and Azelma seemed well-cared for.  

Again, a creepy-looking alien who exploits the outpost’s inhabitants for portions in exchange for junk, who asks you to pay him to take care of your kid should be a big fucking red flag – unless you want to involve blackmail, but that’s a whole other can of worms.

Seriously, why the hell would Rey’s parents even ACCEPT money that comes from selling their own child? Were they really that desperate? Fuck, even if I had no other way of getting off Jakku, I wouldn’t even THINK of using money that comes from selling my own child. Any parent who’d even CONSIDER doing that is automatically a godawful parent in my book. Shame on you. And shame on JJ for trying to make me buy them as saints, because THEY’RE NOT, JUST BY THAT SINGLE ACTION.

They died on another planet, while being hunted down by a guy working for Palpatine and instructed to bring Rey back to them.

I didn’t notice it until Jenny Nicholson pointed it out in her TROS review, because it SOMEHOW completely escaped my notice, but… Rey’s mom saying Rey is DEFINITELY NOT on Jakku is like the worst fucking lie I’ve ever seen in a film because it’s so hilariously bad. Congratulations, Space Villanelle, may you be forever remembered for this line.

Also, it’s stupid af that Oshi (that’s his name, right? Can’t be bothered to Google it, might just call him Barney the Bounty Hunter from now on) just kills Rey’s parents, because HE’S EVUL MUAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHA, because he literally creates a dead end for himself. He still has no fucking clue where Rey is, and he just killed off his only leads. CONGRATULATIONS BARNEY THE BOUNTY HUNTER, YOU SUCK AT YOUR JOB.

Rey’s dad is a Palpatine and Rey’s mom is Villanelle.

So, Rey’s dad looks like he’s in his early thirties at most, right? Maybe a little younger than Luke and Leia, then. So, unless he got frozen in carbonite at some point, that means Palpatine fucked at some point while looking like this:

Anyway, I sure hope Sly Moore was Grandma Palpatine because she’s pretty much the only person who’d be game to smash raisin ass. Which leaves me with extremely disturbing pictures of Palps and Sly having sex, so I’ll spare you the more graphic details of my twisted mind that’s screaming for an end to this misery. 

I sure hope having Rey’s mom as Jodie Comer isn’t a clue that we’ll get spin-offs with those two (GOD PLEASE NO), but while I crack jokes about how Rey’s mom is Villanelle and Palpadad kinda looks like Ramsay Bolton… I find it fucking hilarious they dressed Rey’s mom in BLUE. LIKE, SEE? SEE? SHE’S IN BLUE, LIKE THE VIRGIN MARY, BECAUSE REY IS SPACE JESUS!!!! GET IT??? GETIT???? PLEASE TELL ME YA GET IT, OKAY???? *gross sobbing* I knew we should have had Rey born in a manger, that would have made the artistic intentions clear *wipes tear*

All right. There’s a lot more that could be said about Rey’s lineage, but I’m keeping that for my main review because what’s left to say ties up to the bigger picture. What I tried to point out with this preliminary post is that while Rey Palpatine *could* have worked, in different circumstances, it couldn’t have had post-TLJ… and we’re left to see a mutilated horse who was dead on arrival. And that’s tragic.

[russingon]

Top 5 plot twists from your favorite readings/writings.

oooooh. hmmm... that’s also difficult i’m trying to think??

1) this isn’t really a specific example (or even totally a plot twist) but i love the silm fanfic trope in which it only involves a short snippet of relatively peaceful time but the events heavily foreshadow bad things to come which you know about if you’ve read the book. like, if you hadn’t read it, you’d just read the fluff but because you know about what’s to come it’s heartbreaking? like “fingon and maedhros get together right before the nirnaeth” for example. it seems fluff and hope for this new union! but, if you know how the nirnaeth goes, it’s devastating.

2) i love jane eyre and i still love the wife-in-the-attic plot twist every time.

3) my best friend sent me one of her short stories which was sort of a beautifully crafted horror scenario i won’t share the plot of (because it’s not a published thing) but who the killer turned out to be and the way it was slowly unraveled absolutely knocked my socks off.

4) not to be lame but i love the reveal in the end of the prisoner of azkaban about the real traitor and always shall.

5) not sure this is a plot twist but i think about the fic and concept where morgoth slays fëanor’s sons in formenos rather than taking the silmarils every goddamn day. like. to me, expecting the canon of the book, it was a hell of plot twist.

put “top 5″ anything in my ask and i will answer

[nightcoremoon]

wow the chronicles of narnia the lion the witch and the wardrobe is written about as "well" as most children's literature is because it literally is children's literature. I have literally read a crossover between Harry Potter, Invader Zim, and Tales Of Symphonia by a thirteen year old and it was fucking incredible. I have literally read a crossover between Jak & Daxter, Spyro, Sly Cooper, Crash Bandicoot, and Ratchet & Clank by a thirteen year old and it was also fucking incredible. I have literally read a three part 600K words modern day high school UK AU of Avatar The Last Airbender where Zuko and Katara were obsessed with Stephen King's The Dark Tower series and bands like Paramore and Papa Roach and it was probably the best thing I've literally ever read in my entire life. And the author was only fourteen.

dear fledgling writers who feel sad that their works "aren't as good" as "real" authors like cs lewis and jrr tolkien and ursula k le guin and jk rowling and chris paolini and rick riordan and james patterson and ray bradbury and john green and kurt vonnegut and stephen king and suzanne collins and douglas adams and lemony snicket and se hinton and veronica roth and fuck it I'll even add stephenie meyer to the list:

I can guaranfuckingtee you that if you actually read some of their works you'll see that the only differences between you and them is that they finished writing their books.

the lion the witch and the wardrobe has way too fast of a pace and too much expositional infodumping and too much "x said y then x said y then x said y". tolkien had way too much worldbuilding and lore and linguistics getting in the way of the stories. harry potter is not that great from a mechanical standpoint even if I'm completely disregarding jk's mass quantity of social fuckups. eragon is just okay (although eldest and brisingr got exponentially better but if you think about it that's because he kept on writing). the lightning thief is just okay (and again the series got exponentially better as rick kept writing). patterson is just not that good of a writer (like dean koontz and nora roberts). most of bradbury's writings sucked because they were just propaganda pieces for his own personal beliefs but he literally wrote an entire book every single day for years and when you have that much practice it's literally impossible to actually write anything bad, just mediocre at best. stephen king had a dozen amazing books but for each amazing one there were three or four "meh" ones. the hunger games was a bit clunky & rough at the beginning of the trilogy. douglas adams focused more on humor than on substance and luckily he's actually hilarious. a series of unfortunate events prided itself on coasting on plot contrivances and people being dumbasses to an unrealistically absurd degree and never explaining a single goddamn thing to the audience and never actually having an ending [and even when he did write an actual ending where everyone died it still made no fucking sense because why in the unholy fuck did beatrice become romantic with her uncle lemony? unless it really was actually the fucking baudelaire's mom he was pining for even though that timeline makes no fucking sense because when they were in the vfd they literally weren't even living in the same state AUGH] and so full of plot holes but that was ~part of the charm~. the outsiders was just a straight (haha pun) fucking mess. divergent is famously known for being way overrated and lacking in actual substance. twilight was too slow and dry and fucking MORMON to be at all enjoyable until new moon and even then it was a pile of abusive and ableist and self righteous garbage with a few good subplots, and so on.

now, each of those authors are talented and have written good books, and I won't speak ill of their talents, and am in fact a huge fan of at least half of them, and I at least respect the rest because they work their asses off to make content for their hungry fans. but it just goes to show that books don't have to be perfect. they don't have to be polished and meticulously well crafted and comb a thesaurus and follow every single grammatical construct to the letter and juggle tropes perfectly and stand for important messages and otherwise be anything other than stories to share with people.

and of course there's lots of shitty fanfiction. I've read a lot of shitty fanfiction. I mean shit I've WRITTEN a lot of shitty fanfiction. and I mean irredeemably unsalvageable to the point that I literally don't even wanna know that they exist. I've read things that were so godawful I literally gave up halfway through, purged from my memory, found again, and was punched in the face from the suppressed memories of just how painful it was to read. and I can say the same exact thing about some original fiction I won't mention by name because that would be mean. what I mean by the first paragraph is that those are the epitome of cringe culture in young teens writing, and yet in spite of that were all still masterpieces in their own right.

being a good writer isn't about whether it's original or fanfic. it isn't about whether you're as good as the multimillionaires. it's about saying fuck it and writing regardless of whether other people will like it because those stories belong to you. and you'll never know if the world will love it or if you'll be the next charles dickens or jane austen unless you tell that voice in your head "fuck you, I AM good enough!", put the hypothetical finger to the metaphorical typewriter keys, and WRITE YOUR BOOK.

now of course, your first book will be a mess. but that's called drafting. analyze what's wrong, fix what you can, change what you can't, add more or take some away to fix the pacing, GET A SECOND PERSON TO BE AN EDITOR, but most importantly of all, NEVER GIVE UP. giving up is a 100% chance of never being an author, but trying? it's at least 1%. so if you write a hundred books then statistically at least one of them will be awesome.

just don't compare yourself to other writers. instead, draw inspiration from them.

you miss all the shots you don't take. so don't let the fear of missing keep you from aiming at the target.

and remember:

every master author started off as a beginner.

just like you.

and look, as long as you're better than my immortal and phanslash's hat fic and the my little pony cupcakes creepypasta, then you're fucking golden.

every meh story you write is one step closer to your anna karenina, your war & peace, your moby dick, your pride & prejudice, your jane eyre, your great gatsby, your to kill a mocking bird, your beowulf, your tale of gilgamesh and enkidu, your odyssey, your don motherfucking quixote.

you might not write the greatest book in the world but if that's your goal, your passion is in the wrong place. but if you wanna write that novel so you can say "hey world, I wrote a fucking book, and I'm proud of it. what did you do?" then don't let insecurity drag you under. don't worry about inferiority. just write.

[maculategiraffe]

OK, darlings, bear with me.  I'm almost ready to post the new chapter of Refreshment, but first I gotta get this Hill House thing off my chest.

This post will not contain specific plot spoilers, but it will discuss-- arcs, and themes.  So if you haven't watched it yet and are already planning to and don't want any more information before watching it than "so far it's my favorite thing in awhile" and "it's so goddamn good, I cast myself down and wept," then maybe avoid this one until after you've watched it.  (Or skip it altogether!  I'm gonna get long-winded here, I can feel it.)

If, on the other hand, you aren't sure yet whether you want to watch it, and you want to know more about what the viewing experience might be like and why I found it to be so good, then this would be a good thing for you to read before watching it, maybe, to help you make up your mind whether it's for you.

Or if you've already watched it, then just, here's why I loved it.

One:  It's not an adaptation; it's a lovingly transformative fan work.

You know how gleeful we all got about the fact that The Shape of Water was literally Guillermo del Toro's Cold War AU Creature/Kay fix-it fic of The Creature from the Black Lagoon?   Because fuck yeah, beautifully shot high-budget fanwork that develops and builds upon themes and possibilities latent in the original work and wins Oscars in its own right?

I really love the book The Haunting of Hill House, and I'm predisposed to hate adaptations of things I really love, because they always fucking get things wrong.  I've become a bit more open-minded about this as I've aged-- I will now grudgingly watch a Jane Eyre adaptation with a blue-eyed Rochester (although I still get so Goddamn Pissy about how Goddamn Pretty everybody always is in a Jane Eyre movie adaptation when both the romantic leads are canonically Changeling-Looking Motherfuckers, and that's, like, IMPORTANT, okay)-- but mostly adaptations seem to me to have missed an important point about the original.  At LEAST one!  Do you know what I mean?  Like in the movie of The End of the Affair where they made it so the guy she was secretly meeting with was a priest, and like... the whole POINT was--!  Or like remember how mad certain people got about Tom Bombadil being left out of LotR, and how much they (we) wanted to explain to you (anyone who was like "meh, fair enough, he didn't have much to do with anything anyway") that the whole POINT of Tom Bombadil was--!

 Anyway sorry the point is, that this isn't an adaptation.  It isn't The Movie Of The Book, or The Show Of The Book, which always gets things wrong.  (Except the movie of The Princess Bride, which in my view was essentially the second, improved draft of the novel.) 

It's a fanwork, about the book, and, like all great fanworks, it gets the book-- in some ways, yeah, I'll say it-- righter than the book itself did.  Because it loves the book, and it takes things that are peeping out at the corners and between the lines of the book, or merely glanced at by the text and hurried past, maybe for pacing purposes, or that you thought about when you were reading the book for the seventh time, and it develops those, and interacts with them, and brings them out into new contexts, and-- just, altogether, instead of being like watching an adaptation of a thing you loved, it's like reading a fantastic fanfic series of a thing that you loved.  Instead of watching it butchered, you get to watch it, skillfully and thoughtfully and thoroughly, loved, and in a way that you wouldn't have known how to by yourself.

Two:  It's scary like wasabi is hot.

I love wasabi, because, like many very strange humans whose behavior is a puzzlement and a dismay to rational plants everywhere, I like eating something that makes me feel like my head is going to explode, but unlike some of those strange humans, I don't like the pain to linger.   I avoid super-hot chilis, because I don't like a burnt-mouth feeling.  I like wasabi because while I'm eating it it makes tears stream down my face, but then once it's gone, it's gone.  Well, I like my stories like I like my wasabi-- super intense while they last, but with a discrete ending to the pain.  I love wallowing in exquisitely painful hurt/comfort depictions of a character's anguish and terror and desolation, because I know the comfort part is coming.  If it doesn’t, I feel kind of hurt and burnt.

 Well, I like my horror the same way.  I like things that scare the living starlight out of me while they're happening, but that wrap up in a way that leaves me not-scared for later.  My previous best example of this was probably The Others (remember The Others?  Nicole Kidman?  2001?  I never hear about that movie any more, I feel like it's really underrated.  I saw it in the theater and there was one moment when everyone in the theater collectively stopped breathing and then everyone let out this crazy collective shaky what-was-that laugh), but I also feel that way about The Babadook, and Alien, and-- I could probably list other examples, but you get the point.   I like Cabin in the Woods, but it (and others like it) work by defusing the horror while stuff is happening, which is different from movies that commit wholeheartedly to scaring you while they're happening but after you're done watching them don't leave you scared to go to sleep in case the Thing is under the bed or peering out of the mirror.  You know?  

Hill House ends that way, but-- disclaimer-- it's a 10-episode series, and if you stop watching at any point before the last episode, like I did, you might be creeped out and have to sleep with the light on, like I did.  (After, specifically, episode 5.  I already loved it but it had spooked me out badly.)  It is genuinely terrifying while it's happening, but it gets-- steadily, artfully, beautifully-- less scary as it goes along.  But not by becoming less intense.  The ratio of emotional intensity to spooky business steadily increases, until at the very end, you are far too busy sobbing your soul out onto your sweater to be scared.

which brings me to my next item:

Three: It's a deep, and deeply cathartic, exploration of how grief and trauma work.

Do you know the quote-- I think I've reblogged it here a couple of times, lemme just, here:

My therapist says I can’t

make the monsters disappear

no matter how much I pay her.

All she can do is bring them

into the room, so I can get

to know them, so I can learn

their names, so I can see clearly

their toothless mouths,

their empty hands,

their pleading eyes.

 So that's what it's about.  

It's not about how there was never anything to be afraid of at all.  It's not about how the monsters can't hurt you unless you believe in them.  That's part of what the show looks at, is denial, how corrosive it can be, and in what ways, to deny the reality of what happened to you and how much it hurt you and how it changed you, and how important the things were that you lost, and how different you are because of what's happened to you, and what's still happening.  And yet how understandable it is, to try to close your eyes to it, try to white-knuckle it away, fix it yourself, close the door on it, build a wall to block it out, make yourself blind to everything so you don't have to see the one unbearable thing.  

It's not about how the monsters can't really, or won't really, or didn't really, hurt you. 

It's about learning to understand how they can, and how they did, and how they do, and what they are, and that's the beginning of learning how you're going to live now.  And that you are.  And that-- and how-- it's going to be beautiful.

Four:  It's about love.

The ways love is messy.  The ways love makes mistakes.  The ways love fails.  The ways love oversteps.  The ways love overwhelms.  The ways love, when accompanied by fear or bad judgement or incomplete information or the other ways we all stumble so helplessly through life, can even lead us to hurt and harm people.  Beloved people.  Or be horribly hurt by them.  The ways love is not, in and of itself, a safeguard against doing the absolutely, catastrophically, unbearably, unfixably wrong thing.

And the ways love lights our path.  The ways love brings us back.  The ways love makes life, no matter how much it hurts, worth living.  The ways we can't do without it, nothing means anything without it, no matter how much it hurts-- and it hurts, it hurts, it hurts-- but that's what it is to be alive at all.  To be able to feel, and feel deeply.  To rejoice, and despair, and panic, and regret, and hope, and grieve, and breathe, and love.  And love.

That’s what it’s about.

[kvotheunkvothe]

What the Fuck Am I Reading: The Tenant of Wildfell Hall

So this is the first and only book I’ve read by Anne Brontë. I’ve read Wuthering Heights and Jane Eyre and had heard Anne’s books aren’t very good. Well, I’m happy to report that whoever told me that is a goddamn liar. I’d rank this at least on the same tier as Jane Eyre (my previous Brontë favorite), if not higher. Not only is it well-written, but hot damn is it raw. The basic premise is about a lady with a young son who previously had an absolutely terrible marriage learning to love and trust again. And Anne does not shy away from describing just how shitty her husband was. In some ways I think I’m glad I came across this book somewhat later, so I have more life experience just to appreciate this book. But on the other hand, I can’t believe I slept on it for so long. I have a lot to say about this, so buckle up.

Let’s start with Gilbert Markham, the new love interest whose POV bookends the narrative. He’s the one who introduces the reader to the titular tenant, the widow Mrs. Helen Graham. Gilbert is a bit excitable, but he has a good heart. He’s hardworking and honest and he refuses to listen to idle rumors. He starts off a little offput about the new tenant of Wildfell Hall because she’s pretty forthright and standoffish, but eventually he’s head over heels for her. And it’s pretty adorable how he tries so desperately to get to know her. He’s sweet with her kid, he’s interested in her paintings, and he’s basically always trying to find ways to spend time with her. As I said, however, he’s a bit excitable: after shooting down all kinds of people idle gossiping that it’s suspicious that the widow’s young son looks a bit like her landlord (Lawrence), he also kind of knocks Lawrence off of his horse. Finally, Mrs. Graham tells him she just can’t be with him, and she gives him her diary to explain why.

And oh boy does it explain things. So her prior husband was just... the biggest shit. He was a heel. A cad. An absolute self-centered fuckboy. She had known he didn’t run with a good crowd before marriage, but she was hopeful she could be a good influence. But this asshole and his shitty friends just appear to delight in vice. He goes off for months at a time--which eventually becomes something of a mercy--just living it up with his bachelor friends, and then he finally comes home sick as a dog for her to nurse back to health. He’s not really physically abusive: he beats his dogs and once threw a book at the dog that also hit Helen (which pleased him), but mostly it’s emotional, verbal, and economic abuse. He actually calls her a slut at one point. I couldn’t fucking believe my eyes--this book was written in the mid-1800s, and this is a good Christian woman being called a slut by her own husband, in her own home, because he didn’t like being told to stop drinking like a fish. Like, I don’t doubt people were just as shitty back then, but I’ve never read a book from the time that is so explicit about it. He ends up having an affair, and when she literally catches him in the act (IN THEIR OWN HOME), he just acts petulant and just whines that she wants to separate (he refuses, and is pissy she’s like “well, we’re going to live as strangers in this house, then”). The husband’s little side-piece emotionally blackmails her into not telling the other wronged spouse (who is a good dude), because the truth would devastate him. The husband’s “friends” are also all pieces of shit. They all get together, pour liquor down the young son’s throat, and teach him to disrespect his mother. Another of her husband’s “friends” keeps trying to get under her skirts, no matter how many times she rebuffs him, reasoning that he can “save” her from her marriage and that since her husband’s cheating on her, she might as well. One time he physically won’t let her go, and when all the other men convene on the scene, her husband starts calling her vile names and insinuating that she’s the adulterer in their relationship. She has to rely on the shitty “friend” to admit she’s never given in to his advances. At a certain point, Helen feels like she’s just fucking had enough, and she starts painting like crazy to sell off enough that she can make an escape with her boy. Of course her husband finds out, steals all her money, and basically laughs at her. God he made my blood boil. I wish every fucker who claims to want to go back to the “good old days” when women were financially dependent on their husbands, didn’t divorce, and lived “good Christian lives” could read this book and see just how fucking few resources women used to have when they were trapped with monsters.

Spoilers for the rest of the book because I want to talk in some detail: So, essentially, the husband wasn’t actually dead this whole time. Surprise, surprise. The breaking point came when the shitlord hired a “governess” to look after the kid, over Helen’s objections. When she finally had proof she was there to be the husband’s mistress, Helen has just had it. She escapes with her little boy and takes refuge with her brother, Lawrence (which is why her little boy looks a little like him and why they had such a close relationship that created all that gossip). Shortly after Helen gives Gilbert her diary, she makes him promise not to see her again so as not to tempt her to break her vows. However, he is allowed to write to her in another 6 months. He’s devastated, but agrees. Then she leaves suddenly because her shitty husband has taken extremely ill. Gilbert reads about her nursing the shithead husband through letters she sends to Lawrence. Eventually, luckily, he does actually die. Gilbert’s in something of a bind, though: he doesn’t want to write to her immediately, both because the six months aren’t quite up and because he doesn’t want to be a vulture. But then she goes back to live with her aunt, and he doesn’t have the address and is too nervous to ask her brother for it (recall he kind of knocked Lawrence off his horse, and he gets the impression Lawrence wouldn’t really favor the match--also, okay,this is hilarious: at one point when he’s at Lawrence’s sickbed pining after Helen he’s like, “Lawrence’s slender white fingers are so much like hers!”--like, omg, Gilbert, no, it’s no wonder Lawrence isn’t your biggest fan). Because Helen doesn’t write to him, he kind of assumes she’s uninterested. But when he hears gossip she might be getting married to the shitty “friend” who kept harassing her when she was married, he pretty much drops everything to rush over and basically do a church-house confession of love. Luckily, it wasn’t actually her getting married. But he’s kind of like, “well, hell, I might as well track her down, then.” So after checking at her late husband’s house--learning both her aunt’s address and that she inherited her husband’s whole estate--he sets off to find her. When he’s nearly to his destination, the other passengers tell him, “oh, by the way, all these lands we’re passing through belong to some widow lady, whose uncle also died.” By the time he gets to her aunt’s house--now technically Helen’s house by her uncle’s will--he’s like “oh no wonder she didn’t write, she is SO out of my league and rich, now, I’d just be a bother” and he almost turns right back around, except he’s spotted and invited in. Their reunion is kind of adorable. Like, she ends up plucking this winter rose and saying, “it’s a little battered by the elements, but you can have it,” and he’s kind of hesitating when trying to think of the best thing to say. So she throws it out the window, like “okay, fine, but just so you know, that was kind of a metaphor for my life,” and he’s like, “NO, I UNDERSTOOD THAT, WAIT” and literally jumps out the window after it. So they work things out, and set a date, and Gilbert of course loves her little boy like he was his own, and I guess they live happily ever after. Spoilers end.

So, why was this such a good book? Well, of course it was well-written, but I think also it’s mostly because it was so unflinching. It was an emotional journey, reading about Helen’s life ambitions being slowly ground down, only to find some hope afterwards. It’s a bit preachy at times, since Helen basically only had her religion to sustain her over a number of traumatic years. But it’s also got some fairly progressive ideas about gender equality and the dangers of letting men have so much control over their wives and children. Gilbert’s chapters provided some much-needed levity to a fairly serious topic. Helen’s quite level-headed, so it was amusing as hell when you get to Gilbert and he’s throwing himself over hedges and bounding over hills and taking off on wild carriage rides. He also tells people off when they’re just being gossips and busybodies. His first impression of Helen is that he thinks she thinks he’s like an impudent puppy--and like, is she wrong?

Ultimately, I loved this book. If you have the time, I highly recommend it.

[gaycrouton]

21 for the smut thing! love your work!

“FIRST ONE TO MAKE A NOISE LOSES”

Scully’s extraordinary competitive. No one would guess from her professional and composed demeanor, but after a few years of knowing her, he could tell. When she was winning there was a certain gleam in her eye, like she was chasing a high. She was almost rabid with her ferocity to win. When she was losing, she was ruthless and would stop at nothing to win. In his opinion, it was that deep seeded desire to be right that fueled it. Some may find it excessive, he found it incredibly adorable.

It didn’t matter what it was; a game, the recollection of a memory, her academics, her professionalism, her work, Scully simply liked to be the best at everything she did.

The first time he realized she was competitive was before they ever got together. It was around the third year of her partnership, and they were on another mind-numbing road trip to a nameless town. To help pass the time he simply suggested they play a game.

“Sure,” she chirped enthusiastically, “What type of game do you have in mind?”

“Want to go with the classic ‘Alphabet Categories’ game?” he suggested.

“Okay, you can choose the category first,” she offered.

He thought for a moment. He didn’t want something as easy as ‘Animals’ or ‘Food’, this could potentially be a game he could use to learn more about Scully and her preferences, so he went with something a little more interesting. “Books.”

Immediately, without a seconds delay, she responded, “Animal Farm.” There was a pleased smile on her lips from his look of surprise.

“Nice, um,” he already was at a loss, “Brown Bear.”

She let out a little chuckle at his answer and incredulously asked, “Brown Bear?”

“Brown Bear, Brown Bear, what do you see? I see a stalling Scully looking at me,” he teased.

“Nice alliteration, Call of the Wild,” she answered, getting back to business.

“The Divine Comedy.”

“That’s an epic poem, not a book, but that’s okay.” So Specific, Scully. “Emma.”

“Freak the Mighty.”

“Great Expectations.”

“House of Mirth.”

Then she was silent. She was silent for a disconcerting amount of time. He even had to look over and make sure she hadn’t spontaneously fallen asleep and that’s when he saw Scully’s brow furrowed and her jaw set with an intensity he’d never seen before. “Scully?”

“I’m thinking.” He let her think too, he let her think for the next five miles. He understood, he’d played enough games to emphasize with the frustration of a mental lapse, but Scully looked like she wanted to combust into flames.

“Can you not think of one?” he prompted after a few minutes of listening to Scully’s cogs turning.

“No, can you?” she asked.

“I can think of a few,” he smiled, sensing her growing agitation. It was rare to rile Scully up and it was fun. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, The Iliad, I Robot, It.

She refused to let him give her a hint and they ended up arriving at the crime scene before she had an answer, in Mulder’s mind, thus ending the game.

Wrong.

That night in the motel, they were writing part of the case report when Scully loudly gasped. He jumped in concern and began asking, “What’s wron-”

She cut him off with a proud scream, “I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings!” He was still suffering a mild heart arrhythmia from the suddenness of her exclamation, but the beaming smile on her face was worth it.

She was looking at him with expectant enthusiasm and without missing a beat he chuckled, “Jane Eyre.”

They played until it was finished, and that night he got a whole new understanding of Scully’s personality. It honestly makes sense, in such a big family it had to be hard to stick out. While her siblings stood out through rebellion, she stood out by being the perfect child. Striving for excellence had become a character trait. Years later, and it still hasn’t changed. After they made the next big step in their relationship and became intimate, he jokingly called her out on her competitiveness and she fervently denied it. It didn’t bother him though, just as he loved bantering with her at work, he loved this.

Knowing how intense she’d take this challenge and his intense desire to see her reaction was what fueled him to act on a devious idea. He’d been teasing her all week because last time they hooked up during an out of town case, they got a noise complaint. A big red notice sign on their door because Scully was screaming to god. It wasn’t that he wasn’t verbally appreciative and responsive during sex, but Scully was a goddamn siren in bed. Before they started having sex, this was another thing about Scully he never would have guessed; she was unbelievably, involuntarily verbal and loud. He loved it more than words could describe.

Now they were laying in his bed, Scully on her stomach reading a journal article as he watched her underwear clad form. “Hey Scully, wanna play a game?” he asked innocently, running his hand over the back of her bare thigh.

Her head twitched up when she heard the word ‘game’ and she peeked at him curiously over her shoulder. “What kind of game?”

He crawled over her so he was bracketing her body with his legs and he kissed her way up her body, punctuating each of his words with a  chaste kiss. “A” kiss “fun” kiss “sex” kiss “game” kiss.

When his lips left her neck, she rolled over to face him and threw her arms around his neck, placing her own chaste kiss to his lips before responding. “I’m interested.”

She wrapped her legs around him and he leaned down to start nuzzling her neck, “We can have sex, however we so please.” She made a little hum of pleasure that only made him smile wider, “But, the first one to make a noise loses.” He’d had years of practice with this already. Plenty of late nights with his cock in his hand and his lip between his teeth, masturbating to the woman only a thin motel wall away from him. He’d perfected the art of silent pleasure. This would be the hardest for her and she knew that too by the playful glare she sent him, but his Scully was always up for a challenge.

To cheekily signal her agreement, she nodded her head and used her hands to push his head back down to her neck. He expected this might be done before they began since this was one of Scully’s most intense erogenous zones. He placed open mouth kisses to the translucent hollow of her neck and used his teeth to gently nibble along the thumping artery in her neck. Surprisingly, the little sounds of appreciation weren’t present and he realized she was really going to put up a battle.

He slid his hands under her and she arched her back complacently, letting him unclasp her bra and haphazardly throw it off the bed. He smiled at her and saw a cocky grin aimed at him. He let more of his body weight rest on her as he brought one nipple into his mouth, immediately adding suction. He felt her squirm, but no sound. He raised his other hand to her neglected breast and tried to mimic the ministrations of his mouth, pinching and flicking as he nibbled and licked.

Under his mouth he could feel the rise and fall of her heavily-breathing chest and he quickened his pace. His body was on top of hers, preventing her from flailing much, but he could feel her squirming. He could especially feel the gently grinding of her hips against his abdomen. When he moved to switch his mouth to the other breast, he took a glance at her face and saw she was tense with focus, completely enthralled in pleasure but trying hard to hold it back.

He blew a stream of cold air over her already wet nipple, rejoicing in the way her body jolted in shock, before descending onto his new territory. It was odd listening to the pure sound of their foreplay. He could hear the suction of his mouth as he adjusted his grip, the wetness of saliva against soft skin, the near silent pants that left her parted lips, the shifting of the bed under their weight, the blankets sliding around them, the voice in his head wanting to take her right then and there. It was amazing all the sounds he would ignore when all he cared about was the sound of her voice.

He let her breast go and began kissing down her toroso, starting at her breastbone, and ending when the elastic of her panties grazed his bottom lip. He hooked two fingers under the waistband and slid the damp fabric down her legs. He always loved seeing how wet she got before he even really touched her. He adjusted himself between her legs and rested his palms on her already bent knees. He gave her a teasing smirk before parting them, revealing her glistening wet, swollen pink sex. He slid down so he was on his stomach, his face only a few inches away from his favorite place.

In between the bend of her calf and thigh, he could see her little fist already grabbing onto the bed sheets. This was going to be fun. He anchored his arms around her thighs as he teasingly drew the tip of his tongue along the outline of her inner labia. He felt her thighs tense under his hands and he let his tongue go a little deeper, plunging into her once before agonizingly going up towards her clit.As soon as he was almost to it, he would go back down again, repeating the process over and over until her sexual frustration was palpable in the room.

He was positive this would make her moan, so he suddenly changed the pace and quickly latched onto her clit with his mouth, sucking harder than he normally would have. Her entire body arched off the bed, almost like she was possessed, and he had to place a hand on her lower abdomen to keep his mouth in place. He could hear her ragged breathing behind clenched teeth, but she hadn’t uttered a sound yet. He couldn’t clock her on the sounds of her breathing because with Scully’s adamance she’d probably inadvertently suffocate herself.

He could feel her throbbing against his mouth, both his jaw and his hand could feel the way she was not-so-subtley gyrating her hips against his face. He ran his tongue back and forth repeatedly in the way he knew she loved as he snuck two digits from his free hand inside her heat, curling them upward to find that rough patch that made her toes curl.

He swore she was going to rip a hole in the bedding with how violent her white-knuckled grip was.

After a few moments of this tactic, he could feel her body tensing up and he knew she was going to cum. He wondered what sound would be the one to break the silence. A whimper? A moan? A scream? A cry? Would it be a noncommittal sound or would it be his name on her lips? Would it be God’s? In the moment, would she even consider there to be a difference?

He sped up his mouth and her fingers and her entire body started shaking around him. He could feel her vaginal walls clamp spasmodically against his fingers and her thighs were quivering around the sides of his face, but, aside from some more ragged breathing, there was nothing. He kept sucking and fingering her, expecting to draw out something more than another orgasm, but her hand reached down and grabbed some of his hair, breaking him away from her.

When he looked up he was met with an arrogant, satisfied smile. She eased her legs away from him and brought him up to kiss her, which he did appreciatively. When he was about to lay her back down and start doing his favorite Scully-related activity, she pushed him so he was laying on his back, her legs now bracketing his own. He assumed she wanted to be on top before he realized what she was doing.

Fuck. If there one thing he was weak to, it was Scully giving him head. Just as the woman was proficient at everything, she especially excelled at the art of fellatio. He wasn’t sure if it was a natural talent, a practiced talent, or years of medical training put to the test, but he honestly didn’t care. Nothing mattered when her lips were wrapped around him.

But for the first time in their friendly competitions, he wanted to win. He wanted to drive her to the point of ecstacy where her pleasure couldn’t help but make itself known, the sounds ripping through her throat before she could even think twice.

However, as she nestled over him, her pink tongue coming out to lick her lips, he knew he’d be the loser. It was one thing to remain silent when it was just him jacking off to his fantasies. It was another thing to have the love of your life perched on top of him, ready to make fantasies become reality. He expected she would have lost by now, and now he was throbbing, rock hard, and leaking in anticipation. Even though it’d be hard, he’d be damned it he gave up now.

Mulder bit his lip before she even made the first move. He knew damn well he was going to gasp as soon as she did anything to him. He was grateful for his quick thinking, because as soon as he felt her hot breath on him accompanied by the flat of her tongue running up his length, he would have gasped if he wasn’t forcing his mouth shut.

She raised herself up a bit and gave him a toothy smile before continuing her torture. She puckered her lips loosely over his tip and let all the saliva she’d accumulated in her mouth spittle down lewdly. She ran her tongue back over it when it was on his shaft and she spread it out evenly with her tongue, fully lubricating him. Now it was his turn to squirm. He raised his hands above him as discreetly as he could and grabbed onto two bars of the headboard, trying his best to reign in his control.

She swirled her tongue around his tip a few times before plunging her mouth down on him, only stopping when his head hit the back of her throat. His eyes rolled to the back of his head and he concaved his hips downward in an attempt to avoid bucking against her face. Fuck, she was so good at this. She went down again and she hollowed her cheeks to add suction. He could feel the soft, warmth of her inner cheeks as they slid against the sides of his cock as she slid him in and out of her mouth.

Occasionally, she’d let him fall out so she could blow a mix of cool and warm air along his wet skin, sadistically enjoying the way he arched his back and writhed on the bed. She stroked him a few times with her hand as she ran her tongue along the grooves and ridges of him, especially dedicating time to the meeting of his head and shaft. She caught him off guard by playfully licking him before plunging all the way down. He almost groaned then, but it died in his throat before the sound escaped him, instead he just kept centeching his thighs together underneath her perched form to alleviate some pressure.

She continued her wicked exploration of his cock, what she couldn’t reach with her mouth, she had gripped tightly in her hand, which would follow her mouth and twist down in an opposite direction, hightening his pleasure since he never knew what sensation would come next. All while he slightly feared he’d be what would cum next. He felt her other hand come up to cup his heavy balls and knead them, spending equal time on both. He could feel beads of sweat gathering at his hairline as he desperately clung to the headboard.

Then Scully switched it up by releasing him entirely and adjusting her position. She raised herself a bit more and wrapped her lips around his throbbing shaft once more. She slid all the way down like she normally did and lifted herself up a bit more on her knees. With the tip of his dick, he could feel the hot, damp, smoothness of the back of her throat, but she tilted her head above him so that he slid even further down. She continued until her lips met at his hilt and she cupped his balls once more as she lightly gyrated her head so he felt a whole new set of sensations. He was throat deep in Dana Katherine Scully and a groan from deep in his soul slipped.

Fuck.

Even though her mouth was full of him, he felt her lips smile against his pubic bone and he knew she’d heard. As her tongue moved against him as she lifted her head, he realized it didn’t matter anymore. He just won with the best blowjob of his life, and he was about to win again when he got to hear her uninhibited voice again when they had sex.

She let him fall out of her mouth and she crawled her way up his body, kissing him along the way like he had to her. When he got to his lips, she opened her mouth to deepen it immediately. He could taste himself on her tongue, much like she could probably still taste herself on his. They remained like that for a moment before she broke the kiss, leaning her forehead on his as she caught her breath, “I won.”

He smiled at the happiness in her voice and he wrapped his arms around her in a sensual hug. “You won this time, but don’t think we’re done quite yet,” he teased as he lifted his hips, hitting her intimately with his erection.

He may have been the first one to make a noise, but he definitely wasn’t the nosiest that night.

Woo, that was fun! I’m so glad I got to do my first ever prompt, I had a great time with it. Hope you enjoyed! - Nicole (Twitter/Tumblr: gaycrouton)

[theteaisaddictive]

tag games, all in one post

for everybody’s sanity i’m not going to come up with new questions, but here is everything i’ve been tagged in:

@lumiereswig

are you more introverted or extroverted? introverted, all the way

what’s something dorky you were into whe you were younger? i’m kind of into all the same things now as i was then, so that doesn’t help :P

what’s something dorky you’re into now? um. beauty and the beast? i guess?

go on a rant about some aspect of the dorky thing you love. 1991 MAURICE WAS NOT A COWARDS HE WAS A BRAVE MAN WHO HAD A TENDENCY TO HYPER-FOCUS ON ONE THING AT A TIME. WHEN THAT THING IS HIS INVENTIONS, HE’S A LITTLE SPACED OUT AROUND HIS DAUGHTER. WHEN THAT THING IS HIS DAUGHTER, HE DOES ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING HE CAN TO KEEP HER SAFE, AND HE LISTENS TO HER WHEN SHE TELLS HIM THE BEAST ISN’T ALL BAD.

Got any rituals when you write/draw/etc? no, alas i am very boring

Tea or coffee? Chocolate or pastries? Dogs or cats? tea, pastries, dogs because i have 2

hell, why not, flatter me. have you read my fics? do you have a favorite? i really liked the one where the servants became human in modern europe and had to travel to find each other -- did you ever finish that?

HAVE YOU LISTENED TO GREAT COMET YET. YES

WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO MAKE YOU LISTEN TO GREAT COMET. NOTHING IT’S AMAZING 

THOUGHTS ON GREAT COMET. ALL THE FEELINGS FOR THE SAD RUSSIANS. ALL OF THEM.

favorite shakespeare play? much ado about nothing

@rosemoon621

If you could be a batb character, who would you be? belle, for sure

What is your favorite song of the moment? party tattoos or would you be so kind, both by dodie.

What series are you currently watching? i’m on episode 19 of critical role, if that’s an acceptable answer

If you could live in a place of your dreams FOREVER, where would you go? maybe my childhood town? i’m a homebody who likes what she already knows, though, so this is the most boring answer

If you could come to a country in South America, which country did you want to go to? i think brazil would be a really interesting country to visit!

How old are you now? 20

What is your favorite youtube video? oh c’mon, asking me to choose anything? i do love that one try guys video where they taste test the sexy drinks, because i just about suffocate laughing every time i watch

What song are you listening to while answering this question? no songs, this gets my full attention!

When is your birthday? i’m not sharing that on tumblr.

In a modern au, can you imagine what profession Adam would be in today? i can see him as an anger management therapist, actually.

What is your favorite tumblr blog? nobody! you’re all brilliant and lovely!

and

1. Can you imagine what happened minutes after the kiss at the end of the movie? i like to imagine that they hugged, maybe cried a little. belle asked the prince what his name was, and she tested it out a few times before saying that it suited him. 2. What is your favorite character, and why? belle, because of the self-insert feels. 3. What is your favorite song in the movie? (it can be either the 91 version or the 2017 version) something there, for either. 4. What character of the movie would you be in if he existed in real life? probably the beast, for self-insert reasons 5. When was the first time you saw the movie? i don’t remember, i would have been a child. 6. What’s your favorite fanfic (more than a chapter) about the movie? Kissed By A Rose, by SamoaPhoenix9 7. What movie character would you look at if he existed in real life? last time i did this i chose kelsi from hsm, so i guess that still stands. 8. What was the craziest thing you imagined involving this movie? that belle and plumette are sisters (this has 0 basis in canon, but you can pluck the idea from my cold dead hands) 9. What part did you dislike about the 1991 version? how short the falling in love parts are 10. And what was the point that you did not like the 2017 version? it’s a four way tie between the shirtless scene, the growl at the end, the lack of lines for the prince, and the goDDAMN MAGIC BOOK THAT MAKES NO SENSE 11. What was your favorite part of the 2017 version? the costumes!

@hathor-frozen (technically didn’t tag me, but i like their questions)

1. Do you like Mrs Potts in the animated or live-action BatB more? Why? animated, because she a) doesn’t do the weird kiss-pout thing in Be Our Guest, and b) Angela Lansbury’s accent is miles better than Emma Thompson’s.

2. Out of all the various meals mentioned in “Be Our Guest” which can you (or would like to learn to) make? beef ragù always sounded interesting to me

3. Have you ever tried any of the meals mentioned in “Be Our Guest”? that would be a no

4. Imagine they had announced they were cutting out your favourite servant from the live-action. Whom would you be most sad/angry to see go? mrs potts, because --  well, can you imagine the movie without her? cause i can’t!

5. What about least sad to see go? probably babette (from 1991 -- sorry, babette stans!), since she doesn’t really contribute much

6. Ballroom scene: 1991 or 2017? 1991 for sure! the little gulp when belle guides his hands to her waist, the beautiful colours, the brilliant smiles on their faces . . .

7. If 1991!Belle and 2017!Belle met, do you think they’d get along? Why/why not? i think they would! they’re similar people; i feel like 1991 belle would just kind of nod along to 2017 belle’s mechanical talk, since she doesn’t seem that interested in her dad’s work, but they’d probably get on well enough.

8. If you could have any role in the castle, what would you be? i might be mrs. potts, honestly

9. Which BatB film’s “Little Town” do you prefer? 1991, because it’s fast-paced, keeps everything at the same pitch, and has the immortal line ‘marie! the baguettes! hurry up!’

10. Which BatB film’s “Something There” do you prefer? again, 1991, because it’s the first time we hear the prince’s voice.

11. If you could redesign any of the costumes in the live-action film, what would you pick and why? probably the yellow dress, because it doesn’t really wow me as much as i think it could have.

@myfellowcandlesticks

if you got turned into an enchanted object in the castle, what would you be? probably like a bookmark or something

if you could have only one dish from “be our guest”, which one would you eat? i’ll try the grey stuff, since it’s so intriguing

what are your thoughts on the last scene in batb 2017, when mrs. potts sings a reprise of “tale as old as time” and gives maurice A Look™? i think it’s a sweet nod to the people (LIKE ME) who ship 1991 maurice and mrs potts. but it doesn’t work if she has a husband already. (cue me getting the horrible idea to write a three-way love triangle ending in maurice and mrs potts being together, but involving infidelity and divorce, which means i’ll never write it)

in a modern day au, is plumette a hipster or an art hoe? art hoe 100000%

same modern day au; is lumiere a star trek or a star wars fan? star wars, purely for the in-jokes.

WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS COGSWORTH IN?? I’VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS FOR AGES i think he’s a gryffindor. sure, he’s a stickler for rules, but so was hermione and that didn’t make her any less gryffindor.

you know what? place everyone in their hogwarts houses! adam is a slytherin and that is a hill i will die upon. belle is either a ravenclaw (dat intelligence) or a hufflepuff (loyal to her dad/the castle, works at her inventions and books). mrs potts and lumiere are both gryffindors. plumette and chapeau are slytherins. 

do you have any headcanons about belle and adam as parents? i think they’d always let their children know they were loved, and they’d always try their best to support them. 

what does chip grow up to be? i mean what job do you think he chooses? there was a really nice fic juliejeanette (civilwarrose) wrote where he became a sailor in the french navy, and i think that fits him pretty well)

what’s your favorite song of the moment? (doesnt have to be batb, i’m just curious to know what yall listen to) already answered!

what’s your favorite book? (not romeo and juliet like belle, i hope) again with making me choose! uhhhhh jane eyre, villette, the woman in white, fangirl, the lunar chronicles, ink heart series, his dark materials.

and

name: rachael

gender: cis woman

height: like 5″2′

hogwarts house: hufflepuff

favorite animal: dog/cat/dolphin

average hours of sleep: right now about 9 because i’m sick, but usually about 7

dogs or cats: dogs

how many blankets i sleep with: two in winter, one in summer

dream trip/vacation: i’d love to go back to canada one day, especially p.e.i. again.

dream job: nurse

when i made this account: july 2012, but i didn’t really use it until like 2013

why i made this account: to keep up with bernie su’s bts posts about the lizzie bennet diaries

number of followers: 460

reason for url: i like tea

[rottenbrainstuff]

Last Jedi Thoughts

Everyone is chiming in with Last Jedi thoughts, so here's mine. Spoilers, obviously! Long and rambling and pointless discussion full of lots of spoilers below the cut.

In general I did enjoy the movie. I have some complaints about it that are really just technical in nature, a bit like reading a book with a good story that has a lot of spelling mistakes. You can still enjoy the story while you grumble about the spelling. And it's funny: watching the extremely negative reaction it's gotten from some people, especially fanboys, has had the effect of making me defend it more rigorously.

The one thing I was worried about was the characterization of Luke. Luke was always My Fav and the really important thing about him to me was his gentleness and compassion. I’m not sure this movie gave me exact the character I wanted, but like, I think I’m ok with it? It was different, and that’s ok.

Look, here's the thing. If you hate the new movies, and you think they're doing terrible things to your favourite characters, well, like, you always have the old movies, and you can ignore the new movies. Shit, you even have an alternate future laid out for you in the EU so like. Just ignore them. I fucking hate the prequels with a passion, you guys, but the prequels didn't ruin Star Wars for me. I just.... don't watch them. Ever. And I ignore everything that happened in them. And. I'm good. Like. That's all it takes? Anyways. The very best thing that I loved about the movie was all the playing with the audience expectations. (man though I think the stress shortened my lifespan. I'm telling you guys, if I watched Finn actually fly into that cannon I probably would have left the theater) Like. Man, I just about had a heart attack like three times. I think this movie shortened my life span. I really especially loved the plotline with Poe and Admiral Holdo, fuck I loved that so much. Guys I was just dying in the theatre when they set it up, DYING, my friends. That is probably my least favourite trope in the entire world, the hardass woman walks in like she owns the place and fucks everything up because she's a hardass, and the heroic rule breaking man saves the day by breaking rules because that's how it's won. I was dying. And Poe was WRONG, SO VERY WRONG. He got a lot of people in this movie killed. A lot of people. But like. It's not because Poe is a bad person. Leia AND Holdo can both see that. I really honestly think he learned a lot, and grew as a character. When he repeated Holdo's "spark of the resistance" speech later on I was so goddamned touched, obviously he has learned so much and has come to respect this person. I loved it. Oscar Isaac is a really charismatic and likeable actor but like, honestly Poe didn't have a whole lot to do in TFA. I feel like I know a lot more about Poe now and I like him so much more. I am kind of hoping the next movie keeps going with this "turn expectations on their head" thing because I really enjoyed it. Well it was sure funny watching Poe bullshit Hux on the comm, and funny to watch him get thrown around like the shit he is, but I'm not so sure... is it wise to set him up as the comic relief like that? I kind of feel like he could be a really sinister threat now, with Kylo Ren in charge and Hux ready to shoot him at the first opportunity... but I'm not sure I take him seriously. I feel like Hux probably had a job in customer service before he was a First Order Commander and that's why he's such a nasty little dogshit now. That sour face he has is the face of a man who has had to deal with a lifetime's worth of dumb customers. I can see myself as Hux in a few years... Ohhh that tricksy tricksy trailer, hunh?!? I was just about choking to death when Ren was in the cockpit and aiming at Leia’s ship, because!!! he presses!!!! the goddamned trigger!!! in the trailer!!! we saw it! Oh my fucking no! And then he TAKES HIS GODDAMNED THUMB OFF and I died. (well actually I started crying) Who else had a goddamned heart attack there????????? Rose was delightful. I wish she could have had more time with Finn cause they were delightful together. DJ (Benicio Del Toro's character) was just...... awful. Like, awful in a good way. Like. That character right there is everything that's really wrong in the world, everything that prevents us from being better. He's not "evil", he's not supporting the First Order because he believes it's the right cause, he's not even an ignorant asshole who doesn't know any better... he knows exactly what he's doing and he does. not. care. One of my favourite lines in the entire movie was Finn yelling at him that he's wrong, and he says, "maybe." Like, not in a sarcastic villain way like Kylo Ren telling Rey "we'll see" when Rey says she's not telling him anything. He means it absolutely sincerely. He doesn't even pretend he's right, like "oh kid, you're so naive, you'll see it my way someday," nope, just, you're right, he might be wrong. He doesn't care. That took my breath away. The porgs: I liked them! They were funny! I wasn't annoyed! And as for the stuff I didn't like.... welp, guys what I'm hearing is that you're hearing a lot about what's wrong with the movie and it's bumming you out a bit. So you know what, I don't know if I'm going to get into it. I do have some complaints about this movie but they're mostly technical. I have some issues with the plot and pacing, and I think the visual composition and visual narrative are weak, (and sometimes just downright bizarre) which is kind of a disappointment when traditionally, Star Wars has always been very big on the visual composition. There were a lot of moments were I was going "oh, that is a very odd choice". To be very honest, it reminded me a lot of the prequels, the prequels had the exact same problem. HOWEVER, the reason I actually liked this movie whereas I can barely even watch the prequels is that all of the characters are emotionally resonant, the themes of the movie are strong, and the playing with expectations was so delightful. Oh no wait, I do have one complaint: why the hell cast Gwendolyn Christie if you're not going to use her? What a waste. I'm hoping against hope she's going to be resting up in a med bay in the next movie and actually have some shit to do, but I'm not holding my breath. Guys I think I could have lived my whole life without that green milk. WTF Now here's some things I'm *confused* about. Why.... why are so many of you talking about Kylo Ren like... you seem to have split him into two people? Almost like Kylo Ren is this malevolent evil spirit occasionally possessing the body of the pure and lovely Ben Solo? It bothers me to see this and I actually kind of wish people wouldn't do it. It's all one single person, and like, that's kind of the point. Kylo Ren has fucked up, a lot. He's made bad decisions and has disappointed literally every single person who ever had faith in him. He feels conflicted by his actions though and hates himself down to his last atom. That's all him. That's BEN SOLO down there making these shitty decisions, and I feel like that's important. I don't like the character because I have excised all his faults and attributed them to some outside force, I like the character because he's complicated and struggling and because he has the capacity for compassion and darkness all in the same breath. I mean I feel like that's kind of why he insisted on Rey saying out loud what he had done. Say it out loud. I own it. That's me. And a monster, yes, I own that, too. I'm not your poor lost prince who just needs a hug and I'll come following you back to the Resistance ship. So guys, like, let's own it, too. It wasn't Ben's alter ego Countess Boochie Flagrante doing all the bad stuff. Life, and the decay underneath, that makes more life, right? I see some of you despairing about Rey closing the door and leaving without Ben, but I'm also a bit confused about that. Like... you didn't really think he would go, did you? This is only the second movie in a trilogy, and just like the original trilogy, it's ending on a low note with lots of conflict and unanswered questions for us to build up from in the next movie. Like, did you see the anguish in his face? Does this look like the face of a man who has lost the last spark of compassion in his heart, and is now ready to unhesitatingly rule the galaxy as the new Supreme Leader? And do you really think Rey has lost all that amazing compassion that she found? All that's happened is that she's realized that her approach didn't work, there's too much history there for her to just walk in and ask him to come with her. Honestly I agree with what a lot of you have said: Rey can't save Kylo Ren, he has to save himself. For as much as he talked to her about giving up the past, he is hilariously unable to do so himself. He can't forgive the people in his life for failing him, and he can't forgive himself for all the stupid shit he has done. He won't be able to go with Rey until he does that. I have no idea what he needs to be able to do that, or if it's even possible. I guess we'll see. Lastly I see some people saying Star Wars has become Pride and Prejudice in space. The comparison is funny but I don't know if I quite agree... Kylo Ren was haughty in the very beginning, but ever since the interrogation scene he's been pretty bluntly honest in his admiration of her. She's being pretty blunt about her intentions, too. And her journey hasn't been so much trying to see the truth about him, but rather becoming a strong and independent person on her own. The problem now is that they're both trying to convince each other to do what they think is right, so, as other people have pointed out, I am instead getting a JANE EYRE in space vibe. So we're at the part in the story where Jane has realized she can't be with Rochester and go against everything she feels is right, and she's left him to go and be her own person without him. ...the comparison is slightly worrying though because Rochester had to loose everything and also get seriously injured before Jane came back.............. (the whole "you're nothing" thing was... I don't see it as him insulting her out of a Darcy-like pride, I see it as...... a really big thing for him in this movie seems to be blunt truth. Yes, I'm a monster. I killed my father, say it out loud. Here's the truth about what happened with Luke that night. You know the truth about your parents, say it out loud. Accept the unpleasant truth. So here's the unpleasant truth she needs to accept. She's nothing, she came from nothing. She has no secret Skywalker or Kenobi parents who loved her. Accept that truth and then move forward.) So now let's talk about Rey, and let's talk about Kylo Ren. So, I think the big success of the Star Wars franchise has always been that all the characters are very emotionally resonant. It so happens that the two most personally resonant characters for me are Rey and Kylo Ren, and how lucky for me that the movie focuses so much on them. Rey just breaks my heart. She is so lonely and so desperately wanting to feel part of something. She doesn't NEED to be a part of anything, of course. She is beautiful and strong all on her own, all from herself. But goddammit it sucks being lonely. That wistful look she had watching Finn fuss over Rose at the end, "I'm happy for you but goddammit watching you makes me feel lonely" fuck man I know that face. Oh Rey. I'm so proud of her this movie, I'm so proud of her strength and her compassion. Man, she's a better balanced Jedi than almost every single person I've ever seen in any of these movies. I'm really glad she got to confront Kylo Ren about him killing his father, what a monstrous thing that is in her eyes, that a family was all she ever wanted in life and it's monstrous to her that he could destroy it like that. And Kylo Ren. I continue to be shocked at the development of his character, that an important Hollywood franchise would make a character so different like this, so emotional and vulnerable and complicated and downright ugly sometimes, and... yeah. My heart just breaks for him too. He has been failed by every person in his life who should have helped him, he's had no one on his side. This is a character who is completely fueled by his struggling and self loathing. Just... yikes. My heart was breaking. I was really interested by his thing in this movie, as I've said already, of being insistent on accepting uncomfortable truths. I think part of it has to do with his self-loathing... when you hate yourself, you delight in inflicting cruelty upon yourself. I think he gets a self-hating thrill out of being named a monster, and accepting the name. But part of it is...... accepting uncomfortable truths. Seeing things clearly for what they are, not what you want them to be. That's something I really personally value, and something I find fascinating about him. It's..... so, like. Lmao. I really can't overstate enough how I much I relate to Kylo Ren and relate to his struggle. With that in mind, I project rather a lot of my own personal experiences and thoughts onto him, so I'm sure it colours my interpretation, and I completely recognize that. But for everyone who was upset he didn't run off into Rey's ship, I don't think he's ready to go with her yet. He can't. I think he feels unworthy. He hasn't forgiven himself for his flaws and weaknesses. It's easier for him to hide in the dark rather than have it all exposed like that. He feels too dirty to be in the light like that. He needs some more time, some more character development. I think he has to forgive himself first, and he can't yet. It's.... a very interesting acting choice to have Adam Driver's face remain so impassive all the time. He took off his mask for the movie, and yes it was a silly mask but wow was that ever a cruel scene with Snoke calling him a child in a mask......... he took off his mask but it's almost like it didn't really help. His face is *so* impassive. When Rey is trying to convince him to go with her in the elevator, he has no expression at all in his face. You only see in the eyes what a furious conflict this makes for him in his soul, what hope and anguish it stirs in him. Obviously this is someone who has had it (probably literally) beaten into him that showing emotions will only get him hurt in the end. Well anyway. I'm rambling a bit now. He reminds me slightly of another very dear character to me in something else. This character, it is eventually revealed, had unfortunate beginnings and is actually on the path to her eventual self destruction because she is so angry at everyone, and so full of sadness, that she can't let it go. In the end she realizes the only way to save herself is to reach out and ask for help. She almost can't, because she feels she doesn't deserve it, and she's too afraid of the possibility of asking for help and no one comes. She does in the end and it's a happy ending and now I can never tell you the name of this thing because I just spoiled the entire ending, but I wonder if that's the key for Kylo Ren too... he can't bring Rey to the dark with him, he has to find the strength to ask for her help. Anyways. One last thought: It's really interesting how like... all the characters are really... really brand new. There's no character with an arc quite like Poe in the original trilogy, no character quite like Rose, no character quite like Finn. And then there's Rey and Ren, who are doing a beat-for-beat recap of the original trilogy plot points, but always with a twist. So we're set up with the scary bad guy in a mask working for an even scarier bad guy, and the dusty kid from nowhere. So first of all the bad guy kills her new mentor (so far so good) They have a dramatic first fight (except she kicks his ass and injures him) He dramatically reveals who her parents are (except it's nobody) Then asks her to join him (except she refuses) She decides she can save him so she turns herself in to the bigger scarier bad guy who tortures her, and he kills the big scary bad guy and saves her (except he still refuses to be a good guy) Well........ we've run out of movies, now. What happens next??? Honestly I don't know, I really don't know. I mean I would say that there's been so much buildup and emotional investment in Kylo Ren and his connection with Rey that obviously they are planning to have him redeemed, and the twist will be that unlike Vadar, he survives at the end. Then again I don't know. This movie was so hardcore about smashing expectations, and really hammered home the thing that you have to let go of the past. Maybe part of that is letting the Skywalker legacy die. I mean. Shit that also sounds equally likely to me, guys. I don't know. I mean I never ever thought we'd get so much character development in this movie either so like. I literally don't know. Anything is possible. Well.... there's a lot of pointless thoughts. If you want to chat about the movie, hit me up in my messages.

[itsybitsylemonsqueezy]

11 Questions

**RULES ** · Always post the rules · Answer the questions given by the person who tagged you · Write 11 questions of your own · Tag 11 people (or however many you want)

Stole this from @slashyrogue​ because I thought it looked fun X3

1. Favourite fantasy book? Or favourite book if fantasy is not your kind of thing? Oh mannnn... the books of my childhood ^^; I mean... yes? All of them? As a standalone, Beauty by Robin McKinley is one of my favorites and my favorite retelling of Beauty and the Beast.

2. Where do you most want to travel to? In general? A lot of places. There’s a lot of beauty in the world, it would be a precious treasure to see it. Specifically? House on the Rock, Wisconsin. Looks FABULOUS. MUST SEE.

3. A fic or story that impressed you deeply and why? Uhhhhh... fuck me. 

Reaching DEEP into my past Odalisque by Bailey was probably one of the most influential fics of my coming of age. Not the first slash fic I ever read, but one of the best. I learned new words from it! Hell, this fic single-handedly created Faramir/Eomer as my favorite LOTR crackship. And it STUNNINGLY, ABSURDLY WORKS. (Yeah, this is SO OLD, I originally read it on a geocities website. YEAH. Yeah. Let that just... sink in.)

My Fine Feathered Friend by Lixxle is still one of my all time favorite comfort fics in the whole goddamn world. I don’t think I can go more than a year without rereading it. It’s just so pure and good and gives me the warm feels. And, you know, it’s impressive on its own to have a fic who can do that for you perpetually, no matter what happens to you. That’s impressive. (Also presented to you in its original deviantART format. I have stared into the abyss, friends. And the abyss stared back.)

Speaking of fics I will never get over and always return to, The Crane Wife by x! Not only did this fic introduce me to the beauty that is Five/Ainley, it introduced me to The Decemberists, which was life changing, and it has forever embedded in my mind how EXCELLENT a slave trope can be. I mean... this fic changed me. And in my opinion, it is x’s best work, which is no small feat as one of the greatest Best Enemies writers I’ve ever read. (Also also presented in its original livejournal format. I’ve been doing this a LONG fucking time friends. A long. long. fucking time.)

Honorable Mentions: A BloodRed Rose for Legolas (long... long embarrassing story from the bad old days of FF.net when I was about 13. It has since been taken down, I’m sure, for similar embarrassment on the part of the author. Although I distantly remember the title being changed... but no, I am not spending my evening tracking it down, sorry ^^;)

Alis Grave Nil by ombredelarue (even unfinished, it stands as a tremendous work. Before I had Hannibal, I had Doctor Who. And I had Doctor/Master. And I had TenSimms. And, let me tell you, Hannibal is not the first fandom nor will it be the last to ship the actor’s characters from other fandoms. Before I had Spacedogs, I had this. And it’s beautiful.)

The Pull of One Magnet to Another by ellie_hell (I’m no longer in the Sherlock fandom for Every Possible Reason. But, this is a very sweet, very well-written fic that if you ever cared for the character of John and Sherlock, I’d recommend reading. It can’t be any worse than the show at any rate)

4. Favourite show character? I mean... j-just one? You’re... you’re kidding right. You’re kidding.

There’s... Hannibal and Mad Sweeney and Frank Castle and Count Olaf. There’s Garnet and Annie Edison and Jane Eyre and Martha Jones. To name a few.

5. If you could only save one book in the apocalypse, what would it be? I’m gonna play by Fahrenheit 451 rules and assume that EVERYONE gets to pick one book to memorize. And I would take Moby Dick and the reason I would take Moby Dick is because 1) now no one else has to suffer trying to memorize it, 2) if you forget the past, you’re doomed to repeat it and I AIN’T DOING THIS WHITE WHALE BULLSHIT TWICE, and 3) it’s a genuinely good book about the impetuous folly and tragic pride of humanity. And given this is the apocalypse, I feel like humility is a lesson humanity could stand to remember : |

6. If you could change one thing about yourself or the world what would it be? Clean energy. Instantly. If there was one thing I could fix today, overnight, that’s what I would do.

About myself, uhhh... motivation to exercise ^^; Also A Job.

7. What do you do for inspiration if you’re feeling blocked or low? I get some musics. Musics is good for my mental state, especially new stuff. I find radio stations imperative for this because I don’t know what I’ll get. And even if I hate it, that will give me inspiration, something to think about, a new stimulus.

8. What would be your patronus / dæmon / spirit animal? I always like to think of something perfectly harmless that just wants to make its way in the world. Like a whale or a butterfly or a pangolin. I’m extremely protective of creatures who are uniquely ill-equipped to defend themselves against humans. And the whale is fantastically intelligent and develops strong familial bonds, they are long-lived and sing to each other, they’re just majestic ocean giants who do their best to regulate their home. Or butterflies, who are beautiful at no cost to anyone and are vital to the continued existence of pretty much everything on the planet. Or pangolins, who just want to be left alone to eat bugs at night and otherwise hide in trees. All precious sweethearts who are just doing their best. I’d like to be one of them.

9. What trait to you value in a friend more than any other? Understanding is a pretty good answer, really, I’m gonna steal it.

10. A quote you always loved and want to share? I know a lot of good ones... hard to choose. But there’s nothing wrong with a classic:

“We cannot choose where we will love.” -- Susan Kay

11. What is your favourite thing about yourself (don’t be shy!) Uh, well, today I took a quiz that told me my Homeric epithet is a “great teller of stories” and I’m always touched when people like my stories and tell me I”m a good story-teller. I value the ability to tell a story quite highly and if I managed to meet that qualification some of the time... that’s pretty great c:

Tagging: anyone who wants to do it, seriously, it’s a good time, you should do it and tag me if you do c:

[equivvitch]

Fassathon: A Summary (Part I)

So, this summer, in the year of Our Lord 2017, I decided to do something stupid and unnecessary, as I do, by watching every single theatrically-released movie Michael Fassbender has been in thus far. Every single one. I dubbed it the Fassathon and didn’t rest until I was finished. (I know a lot of his early career was in television and in television movies (trust me I know the only thing I have to type in my search bar is “im” and his IMDb page pops up automatically) and given more time I’ll probably watch some of those but for the sake of not having to watch like seven more movies I granted myself that leniency.)

All in all, I’d say it took about two months. In total I believe I watched 24 movies, having already watched five beforehand (the new X-Men trilogy, Shame, and Jane Eyre) for a grand total of 29 damn movies (full disclosure, one was a bonus which you’ll see eventually but whatever). Some of them were actually ones I needed/wanted to watch but a lot were….not.

In any case, for the sake of posterity and making myself feel better about being a dumbass, I decided to write up some kind of summary piece about it, so that’s what this is. It got fuckign long so it’s gonna be divided into three parts: two just reviewing the movies and one with some summary thoughts.

This is part one, but first, it wouldn’t be a post by me without eighty disclaimers so let���s get that out of the way first:

This is all subjective obviously. Keep in mind I had to watch all of these so a lot of times I tended to compare them more to themselves than films as a whole. I tried to see the big picture after the fact but when you have 28 films to watch you tend to get hyper-focused on the task at hand. Also I’m not a film critic. I’m just an asshole and a dumbass, a dumb asshole if you will. I am interested in film theory but that means about jack since I have no formal education in it.

It should also be noted that a) Fassbender’s performances in these movies were almost uniformly excellent. The man can carry a movie on his goddamn back and often does if required to do so. This was noted consistently to the point of it being funny in the reviews of each movie. b) A lot of these are British movies. They’re not Hollywood. Just…..pointing it out. And c) I’m 1000% attached to some of these films/franchises outside of this “challenge.” X-Men in particular and also Jane Eyre I’m invested in deeply so that might affect my ideas.

That out of the way, without further ado, some reviews, thoughts, and recommendations:

X-Men: First Class (Erik Lehnsherr)

Rating: 8/10

Quick Summary: At the height of the Cold War, Charles Xavier and Erik Lehnsherr meet under unlikely circumstances and form an even more unlikely bond. They end up with a common goal in defeating a ghost of Erik’s past, Sebastian Shaw, who is determined to cause nuclear war between the U.S. and Soviet Union in hopes of destroying all humans and making way for mutant rule. The two set out and put together a team of mutants to help combat him, but push their relationship in the process to an unfortunate breaking point.

Some Thoughts: I have watched First Class so many times you have no idea. Understand, I once did a full rewatch of this movie for the sole purpose of fact-checking a post that was talking about how many times Charles says “Erik” throughout the movie. I sat there and tallied them by rewatching the entire thing. I love this movie to pieces, so I really have no ability to objective over it. Because of that I do know its flaws pretty well, trust me. It has issues (coughs about the ridiculous awful romantic subplots), but I really do think it’s a strong film and an interesting start to this quasi-reboot. Ultimately it’s a movie about the relationship between Erik and Charles, so that is its strongest point. There are some big shoes to fill, considering Sirs Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellan had the roles first, but McAvoy and Fassbender do a great job with it. It was stated in interviews that McAvoy was cast first and then they made the guys going out for the role of Erik read with him to cast a chemistry instead of a person and it shows. It really is shot like a love story, especially when the B-plot is an explicit romance between Hank and Raven. In my opinion it’s a fun ride, watching everyone meet and use their powers, train together and learn together. The ending is not that happy and I always shake hands with movies that dare to do that, especially big films like this (see GotG 2). It can be silly and frustrating at times, but after Last Stand I feel like we could only go up. I know some people really don’t like this movie which? I guess I’d like to hear from someone who doesn’t to understand why. That being said, Armando deserved better. Fuck his nonsensical death.

Warnings: Montages? Also some violence. Not a ton but what’s there sticks in your head.

Recommend?: Yeah! If you like superhero movies this is a pretty solid one.

X-Men: Days of Future Past (Erik, but this time in the 70s, and with less turtlenecks and more scarves)

Rating: 9/10

Quick Summary: (This plot is so convoluted I’m going to have to be vague otherwise this could take years.) In an apocalyptic future these robots called Sentinels are murdering everyone, particularly mutants because at one point a guy named Dr. Trask got ahold of Mystique’s DNA and used it to make them indestructible. The always wonderful and patient Logan gets sent back to the past to try and stop this from happening. There he finds Charles in a terrible, drug-induced spiral having lost everything and has to attempt to get him out of it so he can help find Raven who’s gone rogue and wants to kill Trask for his experimentation on mutants. In the process they join up with Erik, courtesy of Peter/Quicksilver, which doesn’t go well, which no one could have ever seen coming. The whole thing comes to a head when Raven has to decide whether to become a murderer and risk an even darker future or let Trask walk free and go against what she believes in.

Some Thoughts: I remember so clearly sitting the theatre and seeing the first preview for this, turning to my family and joking about the really stupid title. Like “Days of Future Past? What kind of title is that?” It’s up there with Back to the Future in terms of dumb titles, but is somehow pretty much acknowledged as the best of the current three, alternate timeline movies?? In spite of its ridiculously convoluted plot, it’s a really solid film and has great character development for two of the big players, Charles and Raven. Wolverine acts as a familiar foundation and point of view for the story and grounds it as he often does. Charles has to learn to stop trying to control those around him and move on with his life despite past losses, and Raven has to make a pivotal choice for her character. The scene at the end where it’s flipping between the future and past and all the original cast and the new cast are fighting at the same time is really cool, and the character arcs are strong and satisfying. The only one who doesn’t change much is Erik, but arguably First Class was his platform for character development or, more accurately, regression. He doesn’t do anything that helpful (which is….true to form) but watching him lift an entire fucking baseball stadium, fly it through the air, and drop it on top of the White House is pretty rad. Also Quicksilver is incredible holy shit the way they do his scenes is iconic. Kind of confusing maybe, but it also retconned almost the entirety of the original timeline in a genius move to destroy Last Stand once and for all. It’s usually called the best for a reason.

Warnings: Wolverine gets stabbed by stuff and shot a lot but that’s par for the course

Recommend?: Yep! But you might want to have watched some of the other movies first. Watching it with no background would probably be….too much.

X-Men: Apocalypse (Still Erik/Polish(?) Lumberjack/Poster child for Man Pain™)

Rating: 5/10

Quick Summary: An ancient mutant named Apocalypse (or En Sabah Nur if we’re going to be technical) awakens in the midst of the 80s (because there must be a 10 year gap between each movie it’s a rule). He used to rule but now he doesn’t and he’s mad so now he wants to destroy the world or some shit and rebuild it in his image. He does this by getting together his four horsemen (get it) including Erik who is inexplicably in Poland with yet another family that gets fridged. The X-Men find this out and get together to take him down.

Some Thoughts: I can (and have) ranted about this movie for literal hours. I have some serious personal gripes with it and it annoys me to the point where I’ve blown it out of proportion so keep that in mind. That rating might be a bit low but this movie is mediocre at best. I guess the core of it is because the X-Men conflict is a lot more interesting when they’re up against some government entity or society as a whole rather than just some random villain, at least to me. This movie also does not have a strong foundation like the first two did, no solid grounding point. In XMFC it was Erik and Charles’s relationship, in DoFP it was Wolverine being the POV character, but in this we really have nothing. The stuff with the kids is probably the most interesting and I hope they do more of that in the upcoming sequel. It has a few good moments (Quicksilver’s scene and Erik dramatically throwing down giant steel beams in the shape of an “X” in front of Apocalypse as he switches sides to save Charles and co stick out in my mind) but it tends to drag otherwise. There are about twenty plots going on and it takes forever for them all to connect. The romantic subplot crap is a pain in the ass and dragging Moira back was particularly idiotic when you realize they once again gave her nothing to do in the final act except overlook Charles completely violating her personhood in the first movie by wiping her mind without consent so she can get back together with him. The shit with Erik’s Poland family is stupid even if it’s done well. Magneto of all fucking people does not need more man pain for god’s sake. Lawrence is so checked out she really might as well be a phone recording as Lindsay Ellis points out in her Loose Canon series on YouTube. The only one who really had any interesting development was Storm and I hope they keep on with her because she’s a really good character. There’s just not much there for me, or what is there isn’t of any value. I really hope the next one is better. (Probably a far-fetched hope but a girl can dream.)

Warnings: Lazy writing (and comic-book-movie-typical violence)

Recommend?: I mean you probably want to watch if you’re watching the series. It’s not the worst X-Men movie. I’m probably a little harsh on it. There are the Wolverine sequels. Still, if you’re not that invested, it’s probably not worth it.

Jane Eyre (Rochester)

Rating: 11/10 10/10

Quick Summary: Jane Eyre has lived a fairly unfortunate life, having been put under watch of her cruel aunt after her parents’ deaths and consequently sent to a boarding school that beats its pupils into submission, but remains strong in spite of this. She finds herself a new job as a governess at Thornfield Hall and soon meets its master, Edward Fairfax Rochester. The two begin to talk and form an interesting relationship in spite of their large age difference. Jane begins to fall for her employer, overlooking his rough exterior to the person underneath. Rochester reciprocates, but all is not well. Jane discovers her lover is hiding a dark secret and must decide whether to be true to her love for him or to herself.

Some Thoughts: I WOULD DIE FOR JANE EYRE TBH THE DAY NETFLIX TOOK IT OFF WAS A TRAVESTY. Really, though it’s such a good movie and very loyal to the book. It’s a period piece, but it’s very different from something like Pride and Prejudice, a lot because Jane is such an interesting character. I love her and Mia Wasikowska does a great job. Rochester is a bitch, but…..he’s a bitch with a good heart. Realistically he’s supposed to be kind of….not good looking? So casting Fassbender might have been counterproductive, but it does mean he has to compensate for his incredibly square jawline which can’t be hidden behind that shit sideburn beard with his acting, which he does very well. His charisma kind of helps to smooth over the fact that Rochester can be standoffish to viewers that aren’t prepared for him. He is no Mr. Darcy. The chemistry between the two is great and the story is really enthralling. The music is gorgeous and the ending is satisfying. Well-shot, well-paced, loyal to the original, just a great adaptation all together. It’s not a happy movie, but it has a happy ending. I really have nothing but good things to say about it. Please give it a chance if you’re even a bit interested.

Warnings: You might cry/a little blood

Recommend?: Yes!

Shame (Brandon)

Rating: 10/10

(Quick note: if you’re like “wow you sure aren’t harsh on these movies” listen this was back when I was actually choosing the ones I wanted to watch….so yeah….these are mostly good ones at first. There are definitely some bads on here….don’t you worry…)

Quick Summary: Without giving away everything: Brandon is a pretty normal man struggling with a sex addiction which he basically refuses to acknowledge at the beginning of the movie. His lifestyle is disrupted when his younger sister Sissy comes to stay at his apartment without asking him first. The rest of the film is about their complicated and mildly toxic relationship and Brandon dealing (and not dealing) with his addiction with mixed results.

Some Thoughts: This is one of those movies like Brokeback Mountain that just kind of….sticks on you. I felt that way about Silence of the Lambs too where you watch it and then you can’t really forget about it. Fassbender has worked with Steve McQueen who directed this film three times, this being the second, and they make a great pair. McQueen loves him some long takes and he does them well. His style of directing is unflinching to the point of it being uncomfortable which works well for the type of stories he likes to tell. It’s a very quiet movie, not much dialogue, but it really hits home. This really is one of Fassbender’s best of performances in my opinion. He can do a lot with just his expressions and it really shows here. The dynamic between him and Carey Mulligan who plays Sissy is really poignant. I probably could never do it justice with words alone. It’s difficult to watch, but worth it. It’s one of those movies where the protagonist doesn’t really grow, pointed out very blatantly here. True development hasn’t taken place, at least not yet. Whether or not you think it actually will after this is left up to how optimistic you are for the characters and the story.

Warnings: This is rated NC-17 for a reason. They do not shy away from anything and they do not cut you a break by easing into it. Translation: if you’re disinterested in becoming familiar with some very particular bits of Fassy’s anatomy I’d steer clear. Also strong warning for themes (and fairly graphic depictions) of self-harm.

Recommend?: I would never tell someone to watch this movie, but I would definitely advocate for it. Read the description (that a professional has written, not just mine fff), check the warnings, see if you’re up for it. This is one you need to choose to watch, not be forced to.

Macbeth (Macbeth)

Rating: 6/10

Quick Summary: Oh god, I still don’t remember the plot of this thing…. I swear I read it once but you’d be better off reading the Spark Notes or something. It’s based on the Shakespeare play (obviously) where this dude named Macbeth and his wife Lady Macbeth go around killing people to gain power because some weird ladies in the middle of a field told him he’d be king. Everyone fucking dies at the end per usual due to really ridiculous loopholes. A grand old time, as always, with Mr. ‘speare.

Some Thoughts: Listen pal I got food poisoning trying to watch this damn movie THE CURSE OF THE SCOTTISH PLAY IS REAL. But really, it’s kind of what you’d expect? All of this is coming from me, an idiot, who doesn’t remember the play super well and is shit at Shakespeare, so bear that in mind, but?? It stuck to the original pretty well. It’s played dead-ass straight, so know that right now. There is no humor in this movie ever; it’s completely serious. Also impossible to understand because it’s Shakespearean English in Scottish accents. You’d be better off with a background knowledge of the play I think. That said, the visuals in this movie are absolutely gorgeous holy shit. The ending fight scene is incredible. That alone made it worth the watch for me at least. Marion Cotillard who plays Lady Macbeth is amazing as well. What a great performance. It’s a solid film. You need to accept its no-nonsense attitude to get into it, but otherwise it’s fine.

Warnings: It gets pretty bloody, but not overly so.

Recommend?: Not really, unless you really like the play or have a good knowledge of it already. It’s beautiful, but a little too serious for the casual viewer. I assume that’s why its reviews are kind of mixed.

Prometheus (David)

Rating: 6.5/10

Quick Summary: Two scientists discover a series of ancient drawings, all of which are very similar despite appearing hundreds of years and thousands of miles apart. They believe this might be a clue as to how the human race came to be, a path to our creators. They set out on the Prometheus to investigate a planet they believe to be the origin of these so called “engineers.” Things go awry as one might expect when they find the planet is already inhabited, but not by any “engineers.” Moreover, several crewmembers have secret motivations of their own for coming along which doesn’t really turn out well for anyone.

Some Thoughts: I feel like a lot of people don’t like Prometheus because it’s a think-y movie. It’s not really an action-packed thriller like other movies in the Alien franchise. This was the first in the franchise I’d ever seen so I didn’t really go in with those kind of expectations which I think was to my benefit. If you go in looking for answers you’re probably going to not like it, but I just sort of went to have a good time and pretty much did. Noomi Rapace as Elizabeth Shaw is really great. I really enjoyed her as the main character. There are some really good actors in this movie and I think they do a good job. I loved Idris Elba’s character a lot for example. It’s a beautiful film as well. Fassbender plays David, the resident android of the ship. It was interesting to watch him play a robot because he is, to me, a very emotive actor and this had to be more restrained. I don’t remember the movie super well which probably speaks to it just being an average sort of film. It’s not great, but it’s not as bad as some people seemed to think it was. Just go along for the ride and it can be a good popcorn flick.

Warnings: There’s one really graphic surgery scene that was hard to watch, but otherwise it’s (compared to the other Alien film on this list) not too bad. It really is more introspective than bloody. Also, maybe obviously, there are aliens in this movie.

Recommend?: If you’re into sci-fi thought-pieces, sure. Just don’t go in expecting a masterpiece.

Alien: Covenant (Walter and David, yes both)

Rating: (completely subjective) 8/10

Quick Summary: A group of forgettable, idiot crewmembers who are all inexplicably married for no reason other than a desperate bid to get you to care about them in any way (you won’t. trust me. they’re so stupid you’ll probably rooting against them eventually) are piloting a ship called the Covenant with 2000-some passengers and a lot of embryos on a colonizing mission. Along the way they intercept a strange transmission coming from another habitable planet they hadn’t noticed before which is much closer and decide to investigate. Once there things take a turn for the worst. After several deaths and the completely avoidable destruction of their ship, they run into David who’s been living alone on the planet for ten years after the Prometheus crashed there. They soon learn that they would have been better off braving the planet and waiting for rescue alone.

Some Thoughts: Listen I went into this movie completely expecting it to be horrible. This really was the one that started it all, where I decided I’d watch all of them. I wasn’t going to watch it because it looked ridiculous, but then it was available to rent and I was curious. In all honesty, I really only went in to see with my own eyes how and why the actual hell Fassbender was playing two characters which at some point kiss, so that was part of it. Ultimately I ended up really liking it. Now mind you, this is not a good movie. It’s not. The cast is forgettable and stupid to the point where you just want them to die already and get it over with. The only person I even slightly cared about was Daniels, the main crewmember character you follow. People die without any pomp and the movie is riddled with clichés. That said, it is a lot more like what I expect an Alien movie usually is. There’s a lot more fighting of aliens and a lot more blood. So what’s with the rating? Really it’s completely subjective, but if you know me and watch this movie you’ll probably understand. Let’s just say I have a very specific type of character I tend to like and this movie delivers.

Fassbender carries this gotdamn movie on his back half the time and somehow pulls off the ridiculous scenario of him being the two different robots. The interactions between Walter and David really were some of the more interesting parts of the film for me, completely ridiculous as they are (“I’ll do the fingering”). If you can just suspend your disbelief and go with it I insist that it can be a good time. My favor of the movie really comes from my opinion of David and I think that’s what will make or break the movie for you. It was a ballsy choice of protagonist, and when you realize that I think the forgettable main crew is a little more justifiable. Big kudos for the ending as well, at least from me. It ended exactly the way I wanted it to, and I ended up being invested in who I needed to be invested in. It’s a stupid movie, but I do think you can have fun watching it if you’re in it for the right stuff (namely the fassbots).

(Also, people are not happy about the fuck-million more Alien movies in the works but hear me out…. I have a great pitch idea….what if with every new movie we just double the number of Fassbenders…… so there’s four and then eight and then sixteen all the way until we just have infinite Fassbenders….. listen this is a great plan Mr. Scott please hire me as script consultant from now on)

Warnings: This is a lot more of a horror movie than Prometheus. It’s bloody and violent, and yes there are more aliens. Also it is really stupid. Also warnings for that sweet, sweet ‘bot-on-‘bot action ;)

Recommend?: I mean….not really. Again my opinion is so subjective here that it’s worth a grain of salt. If you do, you need to watch Prometheus first because you need to form an opinion of David.

Hunger (Bobby Sands)

Rating: 5/10

Quick Summary: Without me sitting here for like a half hour looking up a lot of proper names and dates (which I’ve already done once when I was watching the damn thing), this a movie about a hunger strike led by a man named Bobby Sands. It takes place in a prison in Northern Ireland. A group of people called the Republicans who are fighting against being part of Britain and want one united Ireland are being arrested for political acts and are protesting in any way they can. This begins with bathing and clothing strikes, and eventually leads to a hunger strike when this accomplishes nothing.

Some Thoughts: So this is a critically-acclaimed movie and I know people really like it. I guess I can see why but compared to McQueen’s other films I didn’t think it was super impressive. It’s his first project with Fassbender and in a lot of ways it feels like an early-career film. It has a lot of pacing issues. I read reviews saying it’s two movies in one and it really is. As an American (and therefore a dumbass when it comes to conflicts in other countries because our history classes here are Shit) it was sort of a confusing movie to watch just because I didn’t really have any background knowledge about what was happening. I was doing a lot of googling throughout to catch myself up with the conflict and acronyms etc. It’d definitely strike more of a chord with someone who knew about it beforehand. It is a prison movie and it’s difficult to watch because of that. There’s a lot of mistreatment of prisoners and just kind of gross stuff in general. I was whining at one point about the hunger strike not starting until like…20 minutes before the movie ends but I see now why it didn’t because you’re basically just watching Fassbender starve to death from that point on and it’s Not Fun. There are impressive parts of it. There’s a long take of a conversation between Bobby and a priest where he explains his idea of starting a hunger strikes that is, I shit you know, seventeen fucking minutes long. It’s crazy. There are other long takes in the film but they’re not always used super effectively. This can cause the movie to drag at times. The use of sound in the movie is also really amazing. It’s very quiet usually, but picks its loud moments and picks them well. Overall I didn’t get much out of watching it, but that’s just me. I didn’t think it was worth the difficult watch.

Warnings: It’s unrated but I bet it would be R or even NC-17 if it was. Lots of disturbing shots of violence against prisoners and behaviors of the prisoners themselves tbh. There’s nudity as well, but it’s used as humiliation mostly. As usual, McQueen’s style of filmmaking is unflinching and watching someone starve to death isn’t fun.

Recommend?: Not really. McQueen has better films you could watch. Unless you’re personally interested in the conflict at hand, I’d skip it.

Frank (Frank)

Rating: 10/10

Quick Summary: An untalented aspiring musician named Jon suddenly stumbles across the opportunity of a lifetime to play in actual band when they find themselves out a keyboard player the day before a performance. Jon lends them a hand and is accepted into the group in spite of some friction with most of the members. They invite him back on what ends up being year-long trip into the woods to write a new album. While living with the band, the Soronprfbs, Jon gets to know the members better, as well as their many quirks. Notably, there is Don, the manager who seems level-headed if somewhat depressed, Clara, who doesn’t take Jon’s being there very well, and Frank, the apparent leader of the band. Jon takes a special interest in Frank who appears to be the heart and soul of the group. In spite of wearing a giant fake head at all times, he’s very friendly, encouraging, and strangely inspiring. As they work to write their album, Jon begins to record and post their progress on social media, gaining them a new following of people amused by their bizarre antics. This new popularity ends up landing them a bigger gig than they’ve ever had before, but comes at the cost of risking the band’s identity and solidarity.

Some Thoughts: Frank is an amazing movie. If someone wasn’t interested in Jane Eyre but wanted a Fassbender rec, I would 100% give this one. I love this movie to pieces and I’m so glad I watched it because I was initially on the fence with it. In fact, I liked it so much I watched it twice within my rental period, and have now purchased it. If you’re looking for something close to a comedy on this list, this is it. I kind of describe it as if Wes Anderson directed Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, threw in a strong lesson about mental illness, and bumped up the rating a bit. This movie is hilarious and wonderful and poignant. The message is a really good one and one I don’t think we hear a lot. It’s a good commentary on the relationship between art and mental illness, and it’s done respectfully for the most part. Fassbender as Frank is kind of incredible. You don’t see his face for the majority of the film, but he still gives an amazing performance. I think it shows how talented he is as an actor that he pulls this part off so well. You’re intrigued as much as Jon is by him, or at least I was. The humor is a little out there and some of the themes may be off-putting, but I really do think this is one to see. Maggie Gyllenhaal as Clara is fantastic as well. It’s a difficult part but she pulls it off so wonderfully. Domhnall Gleeson as Jon gives a decent grounding point of view character as well. It’s funny and touching and goddammit maybe someday I’ll watch one of these movies without crying but that ending hit me right in the heart.

Warnings: Themes of self-harm and mental illness are present. They’re not played as a joke, but they’re there.

Recommend?: Yes please watch this movie I beg of you it deserves all the praise

Fish Tank (Connor)

Rating: 5/10

Quick Summary: The movie is a coming-of-age story of sorts for the protagonist Mia. Mia has a difficult home life with a neglectful and often abusive mother as well as a penchant for causing trouble. Having been kicked out of school she is directionless which only furthers her spiral downward. Her only true passion is dancing, but she prefers to do this privately. One day she meets her mother’s latest fling, Connor. Unlike the others, however, Connor seems there to stay. Mia begins to interact with Connor and the two form a relationship. Connor is kind to both her and her younger sister, treating them with respect and parental affection they do not receive otherwise. Connor encourages Mia’s hobby and leads her to begin searching for a career in dancing, helping to turn her life around. Things take a turn when Mia and Connor overstep a boundary in their relationship and this leads to Mia discovering that Connor was not what she thought he was.

Some Thoughts: I’m very…ambivalent about this movie, so I don’t probably have a lot interesting to say about it. It seems to me that Fish Tank is a part of a very particular genre of movie about a specific part of the British lower class, making it difficult to relate to for someone who hasn’t experienced that way of life. I watched another movie called Beautiful Thing a long time ago that was part of this genre as well, and that’s what Fish Tank reminded me of more than anything else. It seems to be characterized by poor, crowded living conditions and abusive family dynamics more than anything else. The characters struggle to get by and are generally mean-spirited to everyone they encounter automatically. It can make for a bitter watching experience, even if it is realistic. Mia is a somewhat believable teenager. Since this is a British movie about hip-hop dancing however and the actress playing Mia has…little to no actual dancing skill, any parts of the movie that have to do with this dancing can be embarrassing to watch. You really have to accept that it’s stupid and move past it to watch the thing.

The relationship between Mia and Connor is…troubling which I’m sure it’s supposed to be but it’s never resolved. Some of the scenes in the movie are disturbing as some in Hunger. One of my biggest issues with the movie was there really seemed to be a conversation missing. The end of the film felt like it was lacking a crucial interaction between the two and it made the ending fall pretty flat, at least for me. I know people like this movie and it’s award-winning but I couldn’t relate to it in any meaningful way. It left me feeling conflicted more than anything else. I have no strong or final opinion on this movie. I do respect that it had a female director, but I feel as though I very clearly wasn’t its intended audience, so its impact on me was minor at best and non-existent at worst. There are some nice cheesecake shots in it of Fassbender I guess. I think it still wins for best ass shot afdjks;lj

Warnings: Some disturbing character behavior, especially from Mia. Abusive family dynamics and physical child abuse are also present. Also statutory r*pe. Also some really embarrassing excuses for hip-hop dancing and general cultural appropriation shit that comes from a British movie about hip-hop.

Recommend?: You can try it, but I wouldn’t advocate for it. There are better artsy films to watch unless you’re actually in the target demographic and think you might like this sort of movie.

Inglourious Basterds (Lt. Archie Hicox)

Rating: 7/10

Quick Summary: When she was young, Shosanna’s family was murdered by Nazis hunting down Jewish families who had escaped to France. Now, as a young woman, she finds herself with the opportunity to get revenge. Meanwhile, Lt. Aldo Raine has formed a group of rogue Nazi-hunters called the Basterds, infamous throughout Germany for their lack of restraint and ability to avoid capture. His team is hired by the Allies to help with a plot to hopefully take out all the big political figures in the Nazi party, including Hitler himself, in one fell swoop. It just so happens these two plans are meant to take place in the same place, on the same night.

Some Thoughts: This is the first Tarantino movie I’ve ever seen and I do think it was good for me to at least see one. I was glad to see the movie itself too, actually. It was one on here I just needed to watch outside of this thing. I enjoyed it for all it reveled (as expected) in gore occasionally. I really loved Shosanna. Mélanie Laurent did an excellent job with her and she was easily the best part of the film for me, though I did enjoy Brad Pitt’s shenanigans as Aldo. Fassbender has kind of a bit part in this one which was a little different, since he tends to steal the spotlight otherwise. It really wasn’t my favorite performance of his. It was a little unfocused, though that might be because his character is just a plot device. Kind of a shame but in true X-Men fashion all he did was show-up, fuck things up, and then make his exit. Ah well. It’s well-shot and a good time, if a little long. The blood was there, but not excessive. Maybe a good choice if you, like me, wanted to see one of these movies, but were a little nervous about the violence.

Warnings: Typical Tarantino violence, I presume. Really, it’s just a few focused shots of it, but there is scalping in this movie, as well as some mutilation and gunshot wounds. I whipped my hand up to cover the screen more the once throughout and I’m pretty decent with blood.

Recommend?: Sure. It’s a pretty solid film and last time I checked it’s free on Netflix.

Centurion (Quintus Dias)

Rating: 6.5/10

Quick Summary: In the something-or-other A.D. the Romans are up somewhere near Britain trying to expand the empire, as one does, but are having trouble with the native peoples of those lands called the Picts. The Picts keep decimating their armies, as they do with Quintus Dias’s men. The Picts take him in rather than killing him because he speaks their language, allowing him to escape and meet up with another regiment. Together, they try again to attack the Picts and again are defeated handily. This time the Picts take their general of sorts. Dias and a small group of men are the only ones to survive and attempt to rescue him, but ultimately fail. Afterwards they begin their attempt to escape to safety, all the while being hunted by the Picts.

Some Thoughts: So I fully expected to hate this movie. When I saw this was the other one on Netflix I was Not Happy, but? It kind of surprised me. I think really it did a couple small things well and that turned my favor of it. It really isn’t that great of a movie, with a lot of narration and not a ton to say, but it’s certainly not offensive. It turned into a survival movie rather than a war movie which I greatly preferred. They also weren’t super over the top with the romantic subplot which was….SHOCKING. Usually, in my experience with the Fassathon, if there can be a sex scene there Will Be A Sex Scene, but not here. They meet a cool witch lady along the way who takes to Quintus, but never is it obnoxious, nor does it waste time with it. It was a breath of fresh air tbh…. I’m probably patting this movie on the back for little things too much, but I really do think it could have been a lot worse. It’s fine. I don’t really know who the target audience was supposed to be but it might be good for a night when you’re bored and can’t think of anything else to watch. You get to watch Fassbender run valiantly and stupidly shirtless through the snow if nothing else.

Warnings: It can get bloody, but not overly so. Also mentions of past sexual assault, but nothing shown.

Recommend?: Eh…like I said. Maybe for the night you’re flipping around and there’s nothing on. Decent popcorn flick, probably not worth spending money on.

Trespass Against Us (Chad Cutler)

Rating: 3/10

Quick Summary: Nothing I could write will make this movie’s plot make any damn sense but I’ll try anyway. Basically there’s this family called the Cutlers who are….Irish tent-people and also a weird kind of mob family with a patriarch named Colby. They live in this little trailer park circle and commit crimes to get by. The plot basically revolves around Fassbender’s character Chad Cutler trying to get out from under Colby’s thumb in order to give his wife and two children a better life. Unfortunately, it seems again and again that he’s already dug his grave and there’s nothing to do but lie in it.

Some Thoughts: So this is a weird movie. The whole conceit is weird and another one that you just kind of have to go with to be able to watch it. Its problem is that it doesn’t really have an arc or a narrative that goes anywhere. If it really had wanted to do something it would have needed to allow Chad to make any progress in his attempts to get away. The dialogue is full of slang and really difficult to understand at times. The whole dynamic of the family is sort of confusing and it’s never explained, just thrust upon you immediately. There are some good interactions, notably between Colby and Chad. The parental relationship between Chad and his son is interesting too, but it really just doesn’t go anywhere with itself. I got a little caught up in the emotionality of it watching it, but looking back I can see how flawed it is. I really don’t see what the director was getting at. Also the religious overtones are strange and didn’t do a whole lot. Just kind of unimpressive if still nice to look at sometimes.

Warnings: Animal death. A lot, actually, and often purposeful. Disturbing behavior, especially one scene where a man is stripped and humiliated. It was surprising and difficult to watch.

Recommend?: Hard pass. Skip it.

300 (Stelios)

Rating: 4/10

Quick Summary: Gerard Butler leads a group of 300 dudes against a gigantic, vaguely racist depiction of the Persian army.

Some Thoughts: I have nothing original to say about this movie, I’m sure. I was……not super happy to find it on here honestly, so I did my best to just enjoy it by making fun of it. Most people know what 300 is like. It’s got some interesting visuals, but it’s definitely one that looks pretty and does as little as possible. Mostly it’s a male power fantasy interwoven with quite a bit of racism, particularly in the portrayal of the Persians. It’s saturated with slow-mo shots and rousing speeches that aren’t really that important to anything. It’s a good one to watch on a bad movie night probably if you don’t mind some of the gore. This was Fassbender’s first theatrical appearance if I’m correct and he’s fine. I guess one plus-side of this movie is that everyone’s practically naked the whole time and super buff so that can be fun to ogle if nothing else. It is what it is.

Warnings: Body horror, lots of blood, and war stuff. Tiddies? Racism? Scottish yelling?

Recommend?: It’s your life buddy. It’s probably one to see once so you can rag on it in good conscience.

Steve Jobs (Steve Jobs)

Rating: 9/10

Quick Summary: A movie shot in three parts showing a dramatized version of the events before the release of three of Jobs’s products, focusing in on his relationship with his coworkers as well as past lover and daughter.

Some Thoughts: This is an excellent movie. It’s another one I’d readily recommend to anyone. The scale of the script is unheard of, meaning it’s super dialogue-heavy but you don’t notice at all. It’s completely absorbing. The performances are top-notch all around. This is another one of Fassbender’s best performances. He sinks into the role completely and does a phenomenal job. Kate Winslet is equally wonderful and balances Fassbender’s Jobs well. I really knew nothing about Jobs before watching this movie and I don’t know how much is true and how much is dramatized but I think that shows that even someone who knows nothing can enjoy it and find it interesting. The politics of it all were particularly wild to bear witness to. It’s a great character piece and it deserved the nominations it got in my opinion. I really liked Jobs’s relationship with his daughter as well. I don’t know how they managed to make a movie full of mostly talking so exciting but they did. I also think they did a great job of not idolizing Jobs at all, nor vilifying him. They walked a fine line and wrote him so he seemed truly human rather than a historical figure. That’s hard to do but they nailed it. Once again, I have little bad to say. If you’re not interested in Jane Eyre, Shame, or Frank here’s another good option for you.

Warnings: The IMDb parental advisory page said something about there being some sex/intimacy stuff but I never saw anything which makes me Highly Suspicious

Recommend?: Yes! Give it a chance!

(cont. in pt. 2 / pt. 3)

[heyhanibee]

Tagged by: @itsmoonpeaches (omg thank you so much❤️❤️)

Nicknames: I used to be called “ti-ti” by my little brother because he couldn’t pronounce my whole name and it just kinda stuck.

Last thing I googled: The Donner Party—okay okay i can explain, I was watching the puppet history episode and I got kind of curious about the details so I was kind of fell down a Wikipedia rabbit hole.

Height: last time I checked, 5’7”

Zodiac: Libra

Amount of sleep: on the weekends, around 9 hrs (if I’m lucky). During the week, about 6-7 hrs

Number of followers: like 28 lmao ya I know it’s sad, but this blog is kind of just for me to go insane abt my hyperfixations so idc

Song stuck in my head: no thoughts only sea shanties

Favorite instrument: does voice count as an instrument?

Favorite song: okay so I’m just going to choose songs that hold a special meaning for me/are just straight bops

Class of 2013-Mitski

Dancing in the Moonlight-King Harvest

Hey Jude-The Beatles

Sleep Walk-Santo & Johnny

Lucky number: 13 —I’ve always felt like I attract bad luck no matter what I do, so I guess 2 jinxes cancel each other out.

Favorite author: I have ADHD and I can’t read but here’s my hot take—I some of the most beautiful, engaging, thought-provoking pieces of literature that I have ever read have been found on AO3 I’m just saying.

Aesthetic: uhhhh like imagine being severely traumatized and addicted to eating fruit. Also imagine being very sexy and hilarious.

Dream Job: a choir/art/history/English teacher

Favorite animal noise: those little grunts and whimpers newborn puppies make like u know the ones

Favorite book(s): FUCK uhhh

Jane Eyre-Charlotte Bronte

The Book Thief-Marcus Zusak

The Percy Jackson and the Olympians Series-Rick Riordan

I just started reading the 1st Kyoshi novel and I am really enjoying them so far so I’m putting it on the list

Favorite movie: The Prince of Egypt (1997) dir. Brenda Chapman— look I’m not even all that religious anymore but, Goddamn... no movie has ever come close to this masterpiece. The casting, the animation, the storytelling, THE SCORE!!!?!?? it is so criminally underrated to be, in my humble opinion, one of (if not the best) animated movies of all time. Period.

Who to tag?: I don’t have any internet friends lmao but thank you again @itsmoonpeaches for tagging me!!💕💕