#jaemin got me and then as I was going to voice it to the universe haechan reminded me I am his bitch

[haechanhues]

smoothie smoothie smoothie smoothie smoothie smoothie

[mafiadad5]

How can you mend a broken heart? [lmk]

“It’s only to make him Jealous Y/n, swear.”

✧ mark lee x fem!reader

✧ Genre- angst, fluff, mutual pining, best friends to strangers to lovers, fake dating, university au (only implied once though).

✧ Wc- 11k

✧ Warnings- heartbreak, kissing.

✧ Playlist- how can you mend a broken heart - Al Green / Moon river - Frank Ocean / Lose Control - Teddy Swims / Tell Him - Ms. Lauryn Hill / At Last - Etta James / ✧

a/n- omg hi again! I enjoyed writing my last mark angst so I decided to do another one with a… happier ending. I hope you guys enjoy!

────୨ৎ────

"Hey, I got here as fast as I could... woah dude, are you okay?" Mark's smile dropped the moment he saw your puffy, watery eyes through the door frame. You didn't say anything, just reached out and pulled him into a hug, sobbing into his chest.

"We're done, we're really done, Mark... it's over." Your voice trembled, each word fragile as you struggled to keep your emotions together.

Mark froze for a second, caught off guard before gently wrapping his arms around you, pulling you in tighter. His shirt dampened from your tears, but he didn't care. He just held you, trying to steady you with his presence.

"Wait who? You and Jaemin?" Mark asked, his voice filled with concern as he stepped into your apartment, closing the door behind him without letting go. His arm remained firmly around your waist, supporting you as you buried your face in his chest.

You nodded, struggling to breathe between sobs. "We had this huge fight over... Minecraft, Mark— fucking Minecraft! He told me he couldn't do this anymore. That we weren't going to work, and he just left." 

You pulled back from the hug, your lip quivering uncontrollably as hot tears streamed down your face. The disbelief, the shock of it all was hitting you hard. Your mind was racing, replaying the fight over and over. It felt surreal how something so stupid could destroy everything.

Mark's eyebrows shot up, a brief expression of surprise painting his face. "Minecraft...?" He raised a brow, and for a split second, the corner of his mouth shaped into a small smirk.

Your expression shifted, eyes narrowing. "It's not funny." you muttered, voice cracking. "It's not-”

"No, no, I know. It's not funny." Mark quickly interrupted, his smirk fading as he saw the pain in your eyes. "I'm sorry Y/n. It's not funny at all."

"What an asshole for breaking up with you over Minecraft of all things." He paused, shaking his head in disbelief as he looked at you.

You let out a shaky breath, wiping your face with the back of your hand, but the tears kept coming. "It wasn't just the game Mark. He said he's been feeling like this for a while. That I didn't 'get him' anymore. And that stupid argument was just the last straw, I guess."

"Dude that still doesn't give him the right to like, leave you like that, over something so... stupid. If he was feeling something, he should've talked to you. It's not on you to just magically know what he's thinking." Mark said, eyes softening as he gently cupped your shoulder, guiding you to the couch.

You sat down, pulling your knees to your chest, staring blankly at the floor. "I thought we were fine. Like, we had our ups and downs, but I thought we would work through it."

Mark sat next to you, his arm sliding around your shoulders, pulling you close again. "You didn't do anything wrong. If he's been feeling this way and didn't tell you, that's on him, not you. You're not a mind reader."

You leaned into him, your head resting on his shoulder. "I just... I feel so stupid. Over a game, Mark. Who loses someone they love over Minecraft?"

"It's not stupid." Mark said softly.

"He's the one who made this bigger than it needed to be. It could've been a conversation, but he turned it into something else. He made the choice to walk away, not you."

"But what if I'm not enough? What if... I never was?" You sniffed, trying to stop the fresh tears threatening to spill from your eyes.

Mark tightened his grip around you, his voice firm. "Don't say that. You are more than enough. Jaemin didn't deserve you if he couldn't see that. You deserve someone who's going to communicate, who's going to fight for you, not leave over some dumb fight."

You stayed quiet for a moment, letting his words sink in. His warmth and presence were the only things keeping you sane right now. Mark always knew how to make you feel safe, even when everything around you was falling apart.

"I don't know how to move on from this." You whispered lightly.

"You don't have to figure it all out right now—" Mark said gently. 

"I'm here, okay? We'll get through this together. One step at a time. And if that means we stay up all night, then so be it. Or like you know, we can just destroy things in creative mode until you feel better."

A small laugh escaped you, despite everything. It was weak, but it was there. "That... actually sounds kind of nice."

Mark grinned, nudging you playfully. "See? One tiny step forward already. And seriously man, Jaemin doesn't know what he's missing."

You wiped your face again, the tears slowing. "Thanks Mark. I really don't know what I'd do without you."

His expression softened as he smiled. "Well, you'll never have to find out, because I'm not going anywhere." 

You laid your head on his shoulder, sitting silently as you two took in each other’s embrace. 

Aren’t you glad to have a best friend like Mark?

────୨ৎ────

"So, how are you feeling?" Mark asked, his eyes flickering between the movie on the screen and you. The soft glow from the TV cast shadows across the room, but his attention was entirely on you.

You took a handful of popcorn and slowly chewed, letting out a deep sigh as you leaned back against the couch. "Better..." you said, forcing a small smile. It wasn't entirely true, but sitting next to him, you felt a little more at ease.

Mark smiled softly, sensing your hesitation, but he didn't push for more. For a moment, the two of you sat in a comfortable silence, the background noise of the movie filling the space between your thoughts, but the quiet never lasted long. 

You sat up suddenly, huffing as you crossed your arms. "Ugh Mark, it's just like—why did this have to happen to me? We're in the same friend group, and now it's gonna be so awkward. I can't even think about how I'll face him."

As if on cue, your phone buzzed on the coffee table, lighting up with notifications from the group chat. A notification from your group of friends. You frowned as you swiped the notifications away.

Mark glanced at his own phone, seeing the same texts. "You know me and my ex are in that friend group too, and it hasn't affected anything," He said, giving a small shrug. "As you can see, we've all moved on and if Jaemin has any sense left, he'll do the same. He won't bring anything up and will just... leave you alone."

Mark's voice trailed off as his phone buzzed again. "Plus, it looks like he's already getting the memo. He hasn't said a word since-"

"Well, what about me, Mark?!" You blurted out, pressing the "Do Not Disturb" button on your phone in frustration, your voice rising as you tossed your phone aside and slumped back onto the couch, lips forming a pout. Out of the corner of your eye you saw Mark follow your lead, tapping the same option on his own screen. It made you smile a little, knowing that even in this, he was quietly on your side.

Mark sighed and nudged you lightly with his elbow. "Look, just stop overthinking it, okay? Watch the movie. Everything will be fine. Trust me."

When you didn't respond he reached out, gently brushing away a few popcorn crumbs from the corner of your mouth with his thumb. His touch lingered for a second longer than necessary and you caught his gaze, feeling a flutter in your chest. For a moment the tension between you shifted—just the slightest flicker, but enough to make you feel the heat rise to your cheeks.

"You know..." You said, trying to distract yourself from the sudden tension."You'd make such a better boyfriend than Jaemin. How'd you and your ex break up again?"

"She broke up with me to 'focus on herself' or something like that. Honestly, I don't even care anymore. I'm over it." Mark said chuckling, shaking his head.

"Oh my god, yeah, no, I remember that. I knew there was another reason I didn't like her." You said with a teasing smile

Mark raised an eyebrow, his curiosity scratching at him. "Wait, what's the first reason?"

You raised your eyebrows right back, a mischievous smirk painting your lips. "Naw, don't get quiet now!" Mark teased, his tone light but challenging. "Tell me, or I’ll tell her you didn't like her this whole time."

"Stop Mark, oh my god. She probably already knows anyway." You giggled, swatting him playfully.

Both of you broke into laughter, the playful energy between you easing the tension, but then, your phone lit up again, snapping you both out of the moment. It was another group chat notification. You glanced at the screen, and Mark did the same.

“You're invited to my mini get together at the arcade tomorrow at 8. Idc if you're busy, drop it and be there!”

You sighed heavily and turned your phone off, tossing it aside again. 

"We're gonna have so much fun." Mark said sarcastically, even though he was already typing a confirmation in the chat.

"We're not gonna have anything because I'm not going." You muttered, folding your arms across your chest. You could feel his gaze shift to you, the teasing gone from his face.

"Dude. Yes, you are." He said, his voice firm but gentle.

"Look at me! I can't go out and see him this soon. I'm a mess, Mark." You shot back, gesturing at yourself with a frown. 

"You're not a mess." He said, shaking his head, his eyes softening as he watched you.

"You're upset, and that's normal. But trust me, you can do this. He didn't even respond to the invite, see? He's probably not even going. I'll be with you the entire time."

You wanted to hide from everything, from everyone, but the way Mark was looking at you—his eyes filled with quiet determination, like he wouldn't take no for an answer made it hard to refuse.

"Seriously Y/n, please come. I'll make sure it's not awkward, I swear." He said, his voice low, almost pleading. 

You stared at him, meeting his gaze. After a long pause, you finally let out a sigh. "Fine... fine, I'll go." You mumbled, grabbing your phone to confirm in the group chat.

Mark's face broke into a wide smile, his eyes lighting up. "Thank you! You won't regret it. I'll make sure we have fun."

You rolled your eyes, but couldn't help smiling at his excitement. "You better." You muttered.

"So, I'm obviously staying the night, right? Where are my pajamas? I know I left them here somewhere." Mark said, standing up and stretching, grinning down at you.

"You always do this.” You laughed, shaking your head, getting up to retrieve them from the closet. As you walked away, you could feel his eyes on you—lingering.

As you handed him his pajamas, his fingers brushed yours briefly. Mark smiled at you, softer this time, and for a moment it felt like the room had shrunk around the two of you, like the world outside didn't exist.

"Thanks." He murmured, looking at you with sparkling eyes. You held his gaze for a beat longer than usual, before turning away. 

"Yeah... no problem." You whispered, getting settled back onto the couch.

────୨ৎ────

"Y/n, are you ready? I'm here." 

You read the text from Mark, your phone screen glowing as you sat on the edge of your bed.

"No." you typed back quickly, slightly confused when he left you on read. A few minutes later you heard a knock on your door. You opened it and of course... Mark was standing there, a playful grin on his face.

"Dude, I seriously thought you flaked on me—" he said but paused, his eyes widening as they scanned you from head to toe. "Damn girl. We're going to an arcade, not a fine dining restaurant."

"Mark stop." You giggled, slipping on your shoes. "I'm just wearing a skirt and a shirt." You grabbed your bag and led him out the door.

"Yeah, but you look good though man. Like, really pretty and stuff like that" he stuttered awkwardly, a nervous smile creeping onto his face. Your own smile mirroring his. 

"Thank you Mark." you responded softly.

"Oh, and good news. Jaemin's not even gonna be there. He never responded." He added, glancing at his phone as you walked toward his car.

"That's a relief." You said, but the unease in your stomach didn't completely fade. You climbed into the passenger seat, hoping tonight would go smoothly.

When you and Mark arrived at the arcade you both walked in with smiles, ready to see your friends, but the moment your eyes scanned the room, your smile dropped. There sitting at the table, laughing with the group, was Jaemin.

Your heart dropped. Out of instinct, you  grabbed Mark's hand, holding it tightly to stop any emotion from showing on your face.

"Sorry- " You muttered, quickly pulling your hand away. It wasn't like it was the first time you'd held Mark's hand, but tonight, it felt different. More... loaded. Before he could respond you spoke again, your voice filled with nervous frustration.

"Mark you said he wasn't gonna be here." You whispered, glancing at him with betrayal.

"I didn't know!" Mark raised his hands in defense, looking at you with those endearing, soft eyes. 

"Listen, no matter what, I promised you a good time, and I'm sticking to that. That's what's gonna happen." He gave you a reassuring smile and before you could say anything he slid his hand into yours again, this time intentionally.

You blinked at him, feeling a wave of warmth spread through your chest as his thumb lightly brushed your knuckles. 

"Okay?" He asked, his eyes locking with yours.

"Okay." You nodded, squeezing his hand back.

As Mark led you toward the group, you couldn't help but notice the heat of his hand still in yours. Your friends greeted you with excited smiles, but your eyes immediately moved to Jaemin, sitting there with a bitter expression, his gaze on your joined hands.

"Oooo, what's this?" One of your friends teased, wiggling her eyebrows as she eyed the two of you.

You and Mark stayed silent, sharing an awkward smile, but neither of you let go.

"I thought you were with Jaemin?" Someone else asked, causing the group to agree in confusion.

"We—" you began, but quickly cut yourself off. 

"He broke up with me." You said, your voice a bit too smug as you shot a look directly at Jaemin, everyone's attention shifting to him.

"And it looks like you didn't have trouble finding a replacement quickly, huh?" Jaemin responded coldly, crossing his arms.

"Mark has been my best friend for years, so was it really a replacement when he was here first?" You retorted.

The group fell into silence, all eyes falling between you and Jaemin, waiting for his reaction. 

Jaemin scoffed, his lips turning into a sarcastic smirk.

"Oh right. 'Best friends'. "Funny how 'best friends' always seem to turn into something more the second things end, huh? Makes me wonder what was really going on before we broke up." He said, his tone mocking.

Mark's body tensed beside you, his grip on your hand tightening slightly. You could feel the anger radiating from him, but before he could speak, Jaemin interrupted him.  "I guess you're really good at keeping your 'options' open aren't you?" 

You took a sharp breath, eyes dark as you looked at him. "Another excuse? Was Minecraft not enough?"

The room erupted into quiet whispers, and one of your friends spoke up, "Wait dude... you broke up with her over Minecraft?"

Jaemin's smirk fell for a second. 

"It was more complicated than that." He started, but before he could finish someone else interrupted.

"Guys! Can we please just eat and play games like we planned instead of focusing on Mark and Y/n's new relationship?" A loud voice broke through the tension, trying to steer the conversation away.

"Sounds like a plan." Someone else laughed, trying to ease the mood, but as the group prepared to move to the arcade section, Jaemin spoke once again. 

"Notice how they didn't deny it though."

"DUDE, CMON." Someone yelled, dragging Jaemin away from the both of you. 

Inside the arcade the atmosphere lightened as your friends scattered to play games. The flashing lights and music filled the room helping you momentarily forget the earlier tension. 

You and Mark stuck close together, trying out various games, but even in the chaos of flashing neon lights and arcade noises, you couldn't shake the way you felt whenever Mark looked at you. At one point, Mark pulled you toward a basketball shooting game.

"Think you can beat me?" He teased, tossing a ball between his hands.

"Of course I can." You laughed, stepping up to the machine.

The game began and you focused on shooting as many baskets as possible, the competition between you heating up. When the game ended, Mark had won by just a few points, but you noticed he seemed more distracted by you than by the score. 

"Guess I'm still the champion." He said, leaning in closer as he spoke, his voice lower than usual.

"Whatever."  You rolled your eyes, but smiled, nudging him playfully. 

"You only won because I was distracted."

"Oh yeah? By what?" He asked, tilting his head slightly, his stare intense.

You paused, looking everywhere but his eyes. 

"By... everything." You mumbled, feeling a little hot.

"Well, you're not the only one." He smiled, cheekbones prominent as he looked at you with sparkling eyes.  

"Uh huh, says the all time champion." You chuckle, placing your hand on his chest, trying to push him away before the moment was interrupted. 

"Hey you two! Stop flirting and come play air hockey with us." 

"Stop!" You whine jokingly, looking back at Mark, realizing your hand is still resting on his chest. 

"Oh oops." You both laughed awkwardly, his cheeks flushed. But as you followed your friends, you couldn't help but feel like something had shifted between you and Mark... well... maybe not? You don't know, it doesn't matter anyways. 

The night had gone better than you expected, and you found yourself laughing with Mark as you headed to the car. The tension from earlier with Jaemin had mostly melted away.

"See, I told you we were gonna have fun." Mark said, glancing over with a smile that made your chest feel warm.

"Yeah I had a good time. I'm glad you convinced me to come out." You giggled, leaning back in your seat, grinning to yourself, but the moment faded as Mark went quiet, the silence lingering, thickening the air between you.

"So... when are we gonna tell them that we're actually not dating?" Mark asked, breaking the silence. His tone was light, but something about the question made your grin fall as you stared out the window.

"They'll figure it out eventually." You replied, turning to face him with a forced smile, trying to keep things casual.

Mark hummed in response, his focus shifting back to the road, but the easy vibe from earlier was gone, replaced by something heavier, something unsaid. 

He pulled up to your apartment complex, the car engine humming softly as you prepared to get out.

"Thanks for tonight Mark. I'll see you later." You said, trying to sound optimistic.

"Wait—don't you want me to walk you in?" He asked, concern flickering in his eyes.

"No thanks. I’m good, seriously." You said, smiling again, his sad eyes lingering on you a little longer than usual. Something about the way he was looking at you made your heart do a weird flip, that look in his eyes.

"See you later boyfriend." You teased trying to break the tension before the air could get even weirder.

"See you later girlfriend." Mark smiled, even though it didn't quite reach his eyes.

As you shut the car door and walked up to your apartment, a strange mix of emotions welled up inside you. You felt confused—happy maybe?—but also kind of hollow. 

Something about the whole night left you unsettled. You collapsed onto your couch, trying to make sense of it, when you heard a knock at the door, startling you.

You opened it to see Mark standing there again, biting his lip nervously.

"Mark. What do you want?" you joked, even though a small part of you meant it.

"Can I talk to you real quick?" He asked, stepping inside without waiting for an answer. The look in his eyes was different now, more serious.

"Yeah, sure." You said, sitting down beside him on the couch. 

"What's going on?"

"It's nothing super serious, but... hear me out?" He looked like he was bracing himself for something, and you nodded, feeling the shift in the air. "Maybe we should, like... act like we're dating for real. You know, like fake date." he stuttered on his words, his eyes flicking nervously to yours. "To make Jaemin jealous."

"You want to fake date... to get back at Jaemin?" You blinked, caught off guard.

"He was definitely rattled tonight, you saw that." 

You just stared at him blankly.

"And he deserves it for how he treated you. Plus, it'd be easy right? We've been best friends forever, so it wouldn't even be weird." Mark continued, his words rushing out as if he was trying to convince himself as much as you.

You couldn't help but laugh, scratching the back of your head. "Mark, this is a very... wild idea… so what, we're just gonna fake a big breakup later too?"

He waved that off, grinning. "Dude we'll deal with that later. Come on Y/n, this could be fun. And it's not like there's anything complicated between us—we don't like each other like that, so it's just, like, a fun game. Right?"

Your heart squeezed at that last part, the words hitting a little harder than you expected. No feelings? Nothing complicated? 

After a pause, you nodded. "Ok. Let's do it."

“Yes! This is gonna be awesome." Mark said, face lighting up as he grabbed your hands in excitement, his energy infectious.

You watched him for a second, trying to ignore how warm his hands felt holding yours, how his smile seemed to linger a little too long on his face.

"You seem a little too excited about this." You teased, trying to push aside the growing tension inside you.

"What can I say? Fake dating my best friend sounds kinda fun." He shrugged, a smile still on his face.

You raised an eyebrow, but before you could respond, you yawned, feeling the exhaustion from the night catch up with you. 

"Ok Mark. I'm tired, so you can, like... leave now." You said with a laugh.

Mark stood up, pretending to look hurt. "Wow, kicking your boyfriend out already. I want to break up."

You froze for a second, your eyes widening in shock. 

His face softened when he realized what he'd said. "Or... maybe not! Bye Y/n."

You rolled your eyes, shutting the door on him, but just as you started to walk away, you heard another knock. You opened the door again to see him grinning sheepishly.

"You didn't say bye back." He said, eyes twinkling.

"Bye Mark." You said. You couldn't help but laugh, shaking your head.

As you closed the door for the second time, you stood there for a moment, your heart pounding a little faster than it should have been. You were in a fake relationship with your best friend now. Nothing could go wrong with that... right?

────୨ৎ────

The next few days passed in a blur and nothing major had changed on the surface, but there was an undeniable shift between you and Mark. You kept telling yourself it was just the fake dating thing that made everything feel... different, but now every time you texted or hung out, the words carried a weight they never had before.

That became clear the next time Mark showed up at your apartment. You were getting ready for another group hangout, some casual lunch with everyone—including Jaemin. Mark arrived early as usual, but instead of heading straight out, he lingered by the door.

"Do I look okay?" You asked, adjusting your outfit in the mirror. It was an innocent question, one you had asked him hundred times before, but this time, when he looked at you, his gaze lingered. 

"You look great." He said, his voice quieter than usual. 

His eyes traveled from your face, down to your shoes, then back up, locking on yours. Your stomach flipped, and you turned away, breaking the moment. You were just reading into things. That's all. 

"Thanks. You're not too bad yourself." You joked, trying to lighten the mood.

Mark chuckled, but it felt off, a little awkward. 

"Ready to go?" He asked, grabbing the keys from the counter.

As you stepped out together you couldn't shake the feeling that something was brewing, something neither of you were saying.

Lunch with the group was surprisingly less tense than the last hangout. Jaemin was there, but he didn't cause any scenes, probably because the rest of the group was on high alert. You sat next to Mark as usual, and he played his part perfectly, but then there was a moment when the group had split up to order food. 

You and Mark were left alone at the table, the buzz of the restaurant fading into the background as you both sat there in silence.

"You're doing okay, right?" Mark asked, his voice softer than before.

"Yeah." You said, even though it felt like a lie. You weren't sure what "okay" even meant anymore.

"It's just weird, you know? Being around him like this."

Mark nodded, his hand resting on the table between you. You stared at it for a moment, then felt a sudden rush of warmth as his fingers brushed yours.

He didn't pull away.

Your heart thudded in your chest. You told yourself it was just part of the act—something to keep up appearances, but when you looked up and met Mark's eyes, there was a flicker of something real in them. Something unspoken, but heavy. You quickly looked away, pretending to check your phone. "Everyone's taking forever to order." You said, forcing a laugh.

Mark didn't say anything for a second, his fingers still brushing against yours, but eventually he pulled his hand back. 

"Yeah, they are." He said, his voice tight.

The rest of lunch passed quickly, the conversation flowing but your mind kept drifting to that moment at the table. You tried to push it aside—tried to focus on what you had agreed on, that this was just an act, but with every glance Mark threw your way, every small smile that seemed more genuine than playful, you felt that barrier between friendship and something more begin to crumble.

Later that evening, you found yourself sitting on the couch, replaying the day in your head. It wasn't like anything major had happened, but the tension between you and Mark was starting to feel impossible to ignore.

A text lit up your phone.

“Hey, you still up?”

You smiled, replying quickly.

“Yeah, what's up?”

“ I was just thinking... about earlier. Do you think we're doing a good job selling this whole "dating" thing?”

You paused, unsure how to respond. He was clearly still in "fake dating" mode, but for you... you didn't know what mode you were in.

“Yeah, I think it's going pretty well. Why?”

“Just making sure man. I don't want Jaemin or anyone thinking we're half-assing it.”

You stared at the message for a moment, the weight of what wasn't being said hanging between the lines. It would be so easy to just laugh it off, keep things as they were. 

But...

“You know, sometimes I forget we're faking it.”

The message sat there on your screen, your heart racing as you hit send. You didn't know what you were expecting—maybe a joke or some lighthearted reply to brush it all off.

But his reply came.

“Yeah. Me too.”

You stared at his message, your heart pounding harder now. The space between you had shifted again, but this time it felt like there was no going back.

────୨ৎ────

The next day you and Mark tried to go back to normal, pretending like nothing had changed after that conversation. It was easy enough at first. You had a study session planned and just like old times, Mark showed up with snacks and a hoodie that was two sizes too big. You sat cross legged on the floor, books sprawled out in front of you, Mark was on the couch, pretending to focus.

Every once in a while you'd catch him glancing at you, or you'd find yourself zoning out, staring at the way his hands fidgeted with the corner of a page. The atmosphere was different, and you both knew it.

Still, you didn't talk about it.

"So." Mark said, breaking the silence, "I was thinking we should do something tomorrow. You know, for the whole... fake dating thing." He fumbled with his words, like he was trying to find the right balance between casual and something else.

"Like another group hangout?" You asked, looking up at him.

"Maybe…or just the two of us? We could go out and get coffee or something, act like we're on a date. Just to keep up the illusion."

A spark flickered in your chest, but you quickly pushed it down. It's just for the act, you reminded yourself. Nothing more. 

"Yeah, that makes sense." you replied, trying to keep your voice steady. "We should probably post something too. You know, sell it on social media."

Mark nodded, a little too quickly. "Exactly. People will totally buy it if they see us together more."

There was an awkward pause, both of you knowing full well that you already spent nearly all your time together, but not willing to admit it. Instead, you focused on flipping through the pages of your textbook, hoping that the silence would swallow up the tension.

After a while Mark stretched out on the couch, staring at the ceiling. "It's kinda funny, isn't it?" He said, almost speaking to himself.

"What is?"

"How we've been best friends for years and no one ever thought we'd be more and now we're pretending to be something we never were."

You laughed lightly, but it felt forced. “Yeah…funny." You paused, tapping your pen against the edge of your notebook. "But like, it's not a big deal, right? I mean, we know it's just fake."

"Right." Mark echoed, but there was something in his tone that made it sound like he was trying to convince himself more than you.

You glanced up at him, catching his eyes for a split second before he quickly looked away, his face flushing just slightly. There it was again—that weird tension that made everything feel more complicated than it should be.

"Yeah…" You said, forcing a smile, "just fake."

The words hung in the air between you like an unspoken agreement, both of you clinging to the safety of that label ‘fake’. As long as you called it that, you could deny everything else.

Later that evening, after Mark had left and you were alone in your apartment, you couldn't shake the strange feeling that had settled over you. Your mind kept wandering back to the way he'd looked at you—like there was something he wanted to say, but didn't.

You weren't supposed to think about Mark like this. He was your best friend. That's all he’s ever been, and that's all this was supposed to be. You were fake dating to make Jaemin jealous, to get back at him, not because you actually had feelings for Mark. That would be ridiculous, but despite how much you tried to convince yourself, there was a tiny voice in the back of your head that kept whispering otherwise, it always did.

You shook your head, tossing your phone onto the couch. This was just a weird phase where you were overthinking everything because of the fake relationship. You and Mark would go back to normal soon, and all this awkward tension would fade away. It had to.

But as you lay in bed that night, staring up at the ceiling, you couldn't help but wonder what would happen if it didn't.

────୨ৎ────

The next day, you and Mark met up for coffee, just like he had suggested. It was supposed to be casual—a fake date to keep up appearances. But the second you walked into the café together, the mood shifted.

Mark held the door open for you, his hand brushing against yours as you walked past him and it sent a jolt through you that you tried to ignore. He was just being polite.

Friendly.

Nothing more.

You ordered your drinks and sat by the window, the sunlight streaming in and casting a warm glow on the table. Mark was fidgeting again, playing with the sleeve of his hoodie, his knee bouncing up and down under the table.

"You're nervous?" You teased, trying to break the tension.

"What? No I'm not." He said quickly, but his knee stopped bouncing, and he gave you a sheepish grin. "Okay, maybe a little. I'm just not used to... this."

"Neither am I." You admitted, stirring your coffee aimlessly.

"But it's fine. We've got this."

"Yeah. It's just pretend anyway.” Mark said, his eyes darting to the window, avoiding yours.

"Right. Just pretend."

But as the conversation drifted to other topics and you both laughed like you always did, the line between pretending and something more blurred again. You weren't supposed to feel this comfortable with him. You weren't supposed to notice how his eyes crinkled when he smiled or how your heart sped up when he laughed at one of your dumb jokes.

You weren't supposed to feel like this was more than fake.

But you did.

And judging by the way Mark's gaze lingered on you a little too long when he thought you weren't looking, you had a feeling he was feeling the same. Neither of you said it, though. You both kept pretending. Because it was safer that way.

────୨ৎ────

You'd been feeling pretty good about the whole "fake relationship" situation. Things with Mark were comfortable, just like they always had been, and somehow playing this little game in front of your friends made everything seem almost... fun. It was easy with him. He was always easy to be around, but that changed when you spotted him with his ex.

It was by pure chance—coming out of a coffee shop with your hands full of iced drinks, you saw them together on the sidewalk. She was laughing at something he said, her hand brushing his arm lightly as they walked. Mark... he looked at her like he used to. Like she was the only person in the world. You felt your stomach twist painfully, a lump forming in your throat.

You didn't want to feel hurt. It was ridiculous, wasn't it? You were just pretending. This whole thing with Mark was fake. So why did it feel so real all of a sudden?

You swallowed hard, gripping the drink carrier a little tighter as you walked past them, pretending you didn't notice. Mark didn't even see you.

You were sitting back at home. Before you could spiral any further, your phone buzzed.

"Hey, wanna hang out later? 😊"

Your head lingered on what you saw earlier before you replied.

"Yeah, sure."

Later that evening, when you met up with Mark everything was still fresh in your mind. He greeted you with his usual wide smile, but you couldn't help but notice the slight hesitancy in his step as he approached.

"What's up?" He asked, nudging your shoulder lightly. "You seem quiet."

"I'm good. Just thinking." You responded, forcing a smile.

"Thinking too much, as usual." He giggled, giving you another playful nudge, trying to lighten the mood.

You let out a small laugh, but it felt hollow. You couldn't bring yourself to bring up his ex just yet. What were you going to say anyway? It wasn't your business. You and Mark were only pretending to be together, but as you walked, chatting about nothing in particular, the question was burning on the tip of your tongue.

"So... how was your day?" You asked casually, hoping he’d bring it up.

"Pretty chill. Just hung out with some people." He shrugged. “But now it’s better cause I’m with you.” He smiled, looking at you with those same sparkling eyes. 

And you kept up the act, laughing along, pretending it didn't bother you.

But it did.

That night, when you were alone, the uneasiness grew. You couldn't stop picturing them together. The way she smiled at him, how comfortable they looked. What really made you more uneasy was the fact that he hid it from you and acted like nothing happened earlier— makes you wonder how many times this has been happening.

The level of hurt you felt was immense, the person who was supposed to protect you from your feelings, made you hurt even more… and before you knew it, you were staring at your phone, hovering over Jaemin's name in your contacts.

You bit your lip, hesitating for just a moment before typing a message.

“Hey... can we talk?”

It felt strange reaching out to him after everything, but you weren't trying to get back together. You just wanted something to ground you, something familiar, someone who could remind you of who you were before everything got messy.

Jaemin responded almost immediately.

“Yeah. Want to meet up?”

Your heart raced as you stared at his text. Was this the right thing to do? You weren't sure, but the thought of seeing Mark with his ex again made you feel like you had to do something.

“Sure.”

You agreed to meet the next day, and you knew deep down that fixing things with Jaemin wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't erase the strange ache you felt watching Mark with someone else. But maybe, just maybe, it would help distract you from it.

At least for a little while.

────୨ৎ────

Ever since you spotted Mark with his ex something in you shifted. You tried not to let it get to you, tried to remind yourself that it shouldn't matter, but the hurt was there, like an ache you couldn't shake. It was hard enough pretending this fake relationship wasn't confusing your feelings more every day, and now this? 

The group meet up was supposed to be just another casual hangout, but this time you didn't feel like riding with Mark. After everything that had happened, especially seeing him with his ex, you weren't sure if you could sit in the car with him without it all bubbling to the surface. 

So, when he offered to pick you up, you quickly shot it down, saying you'd drive yourself. 

"Okay... cool." Mark said, sounding a little confused, but brushing it off. He didn't push it, and that was fine by you.

The arcade was buzzing when you arrived and you immediately spotted Jaemin. You hadn't expected things to be so easy between the two of you, but somehow they were. You weren't getting back together or anything, but there was a sense of comfort now. Your interactions became normal as you both slipped back into old habits—laughing, joking, sharing quick, familiar smiles.

You felt lighter, or at least you wanted to, but the second Mark walked in that fragile peace shattered. You could feel his eyes on you from across the room, the weight of his stare practically pulling you toward him, but you forced yourself to stay focused on Jaemin.

You barely acknowledged him. Every time he tried to speak, you turned to someone else, laughing a little louder, pretending everything was fine. You didn't trust yourself to talk to him, not with how confused and hurt you still felt.

Finally, Mark had enough, standing up and walking over to you. voice low as he asked "Hey, can we talk? Outside?"

You sighed, giving Jaemin a quick glance before standing up. "Yeah, sure."

The second you were outside Mark turned to you, his jaw clenched. "What's going on with you and Jaemin?"

"Nothing. We're fine now. What, is that a problem?" You crossed your arms, not wanting to do this, but knowing you couldn't avoid it forever.

Mark's brows furrowed, his voice rising slightly. "It kinda feels like it is. We're supposed to be... you know, close. And now you're acting like I don't exist... You've been ignoring me all night Y/n. And now you're good with him again?"

Your frustration finally bubbled over. "Why do you even care Mark? It's not like you cared when you were hanging out with your ex."

Mark blinked, caught off guard. "What? What are you talking about?"

"I saw you." You said, the bitterness creeping into your voice. "I saw you with her. You two looked pretty close."

He stared at you, eyes wide in shock. "Y/n, it wasn't like that. We were just talking. It didn't mean anything."

"When we started fake dating it wasn't just about making Jaemin jealous, was it? You wanted her attention too." You swallowed hard, trying to keep your emotions in check.

Mark's eyes widened, clearly caught off guard by your words. "What? No Y/n, that's not—" he started, stumbling over his own thoughts. "It wasn't about her. I didn't- I thought we were both in on it, just... trying to move on." His voice softened, the uncertainty in his eyes betraying his attempt to seem sure of himself.

You shook your head, the sting of disappointment tightening in your chest. "That's the thing, Mark. It feels like you did choose her—again. Every time you get close to me, you pull back the second she's around." Your voice wavered, the hurt slipping out despite how hard you tried to keep it in. 

"What?" Mark asked, genuinely confused now, running a hand through his hair, clearly frustrated now. "But we're together, Y/n?" He said, almost as if he believed it himself.

You let out a hollow laugh, shaking your head. "Oh, now we're together? You didn't seem to be thinking about me when you were with her."

Mark's face twisted, frustration mixing with something else—something deeper. "That's not fair." He muttered, stepping closer. "You know it's not like that."

"Then what is it like Mark? Because I don't know what to think anymore. You were the one person I never thought I'd have to guard my heart from." You spoke, your voice softer now, but still filled with pain.

The air between you was thick with unspoken words, tension swirling in the space as Mark stood there, his gaze locked on yours. You could see the conflict in his eyes, the way his expression shifted from frustration to something softer, something vulnerable.

You tried to turn away, but he reached out, gently grabbing your wrist. "You don't have to guard your heart away from me... tell me how you feel."

You shook your head, trying to pull away, but he wouldn't let you. "Mark, let's just—"

Before you could say anything else, he moved closer. Then, without another word, he leaned in.

His lips were on yours, urgent and desperate, like he was trying to make sense of everything the only way he knew how, and you let yourself fall into it. 

It was good… too good, and it made your head spin. It wasn't a soft kiss, not hesitant or uncertain. It was filled with the weight of everything you'd both been holding back—the confusion, the tension, the yearning that had built up over time. 

For a second, you let yourself melt into him, feeling his warmth, the way his hands gently cupped your face like he was scared you'd pull away, your hands gripping his shirt. For a moment, it felt right—like all the confusion, had led to this, but then reality hit you again, hard.

"You're so confusing." You whispered, pulling away from him. 

Without waiting for him to respond, you turned and walked away, leaving him standing there, the weight of the kiss still hanging in the air between you. 

You didn't look back, you couldn't. If you did, you weren't sure what would happen next.

────୨ৎ────

You were curled up on your couch, staring at the TV without really watching it, replaying the kiss with Mark in your mind. Your lips still tingled with his taste and your heart felt heavy with all the confusion. You didn't know what to think, what to feel. The tension between you and Mark had been building for so long, but the way it ended... his words still echoed in your mind.

A knock at the door pulled you out of your thoughts. Your heart raced. It was Mark, it had to be him. He would want to talk things through? Maybe he felt the same things you did. You hurried to the door hoping for some kind of resolution, but when you swung it open your heart sank.

Jaemin stood there, hands shoved in his pockets. "Hey." He said, glancing down at the ground, then back up at you with those familiar eyes.

"Oh it's just you..." You answered, you couldn't help but to sound a little disappointed, prompting Jaemin's eyebrows to raise.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He giggled, before peeking inside "Can I come in?" 

You blinked, stepping back instinctively. "Jaemin... what are you doing here?"

He stepped inside, his presence filling the space with an awkward energy. "I wanted to talk." He said, rubbing the back of his neck. 

"I've been thinking Y/n, about us. I know things ended badly, but... maybe we made a mistake—I made a mistake. I miss you."

You froze, out of all possible times... 

"Jaemin..." You began, but before you could finish, there was another knock at the door.

Your heart leaped again, glancing at Jaemin, your stomach twisting. This time you knew it was Mark. You opened the door slowly, and there he was, standing on the other side, his expression brightening for a brief moment until his gaze flickered past you and landed on Jaemin. 

His face fell, the hurt in his eyes very visible as disappointment painted his face, the same disappointment you had when you saw him with his ex. Mark's mouth pressed into a thin line, his hands flexing at his sides.

"I... didn't know you had company." He muttered, stepping back, his voice thick with shame.

"Mark wait—" You started, but he shook his head, glancing between you and Jaemin.

"Looks like I'm interrupting something." he said, his voice low. "I'll leave you two to it."

Before you could say another word, Mark turned and walked away. You stood there, breathless, closing, but waiting, just incase he came back to give you a chance to explain.

"What the fuck is going on between you two?" Jaemin's voice cut through the silence. 

You turned back to him, looking numbly as you stayed silent.

"Weren't you just dating? What happened." He asked, obviously being unserious, giggling at his own comment. 

 You sighed, "We broke up." You murmured, opening the front door, signaling Jaemin to leave. 

"... Do you seriously like him?" Jaemin asked, looking at you with a face of disdain. 

You took a deep breath. "Jaemin get out."You said lowly, closing your eyes, trying to keep your composure as Jaemin made his way to the door.

Before he left out the door, he stopped, facing you, a smug look on his face as he raised his brow. "Can't say that I'm surprised, I've had a feeling even before we got together." He scoffed, rolling his eyes before walking out the door. 

You shut it behind him, taking a deep breath before sliding down the door, your legs too weak to stand. Everything you held in, what begged to be let out finally released. You sobbed heavily, wondering where it all went wrong. Your heart ached, feeling like it was torn out your torso and ripped in half, feeling the weight of the emptiness that settled in after Mark left. It made you feel more lost than you had before. How did you lose everything all at once? Whatever was there with you and Mark, it felt like it slipped away, just when it had started to feel real.  

────୨ৎ────

The days that followed your argument with Mark were unbearable. You hadn't spoken to him since, and that silence pressed down on you more than you had expected. You were heartbroken, not just because of the confusion and hurt surrounding the kiss, but because you missed him— like a lot. You missed the effortless connection, the late night talks and sleepovers, and the way things used to be before everything got complicated.

You stopped going out with the group, preferring to stay at home alone. Every notification from the group chat was a reminder of all the things that went wrong. You couldn't face Jaemin or anyone really, not with Mark lingering in your thoughts, every memory of him reopening the wound. From what you heard Mark wasn't showing up to anything either. It wasn't just you who was isolated, but that only made things worse. He had been your rock, your best friend, and now you didn't know where you stood with him at all. It felt like you two ruined each other. 

You thought about texting him, just something small to break the silence, but every time you opened the message app, you'd freeze. What would you even say? How could you explain the mess in your head when you couldn't even understand it yourself?

You were curled up on the couch, staring blankly at the TV, the sound nothing more than white noise in your brain. Your phone buzzed on the coffee table, but you ignored it, not having the energy to engage with anyone. The loneliness was suffocating, but reaching out felt impossible.

Then, there was a knock at the door.

You sat up, your heart immediately quickening. For a moment you wondered if it could be him, but you quickly brushed that thought aside. Why would he show up now, after all this time? You shuffled to the door, your fingers hesitant on the handle before pulling it open.

And there he was... Mark. He stood there, looking hesitant, his hands stuffed in his pockets. For a second, neither of you said anything, the staggered memories of the past few weeks hanging in the air.

"Mark..." you breathed, your voice shaky. You weren't sure if it was relief or anxiety.

He gave you a small, awkward smile. "Hey Y/n."

The awkward tension stretched between you, and you struggled to form words. Mark looked down at his feet, then back up at you with a flicker of something unreadable in his eyes. He cleared his throat, shifting uncomfortably.

"Uh, Jaemin... Jaemin told me something the other day." He stated, and your stomach dropped at the mention of his name. "He said that... you liked me. Like, really liked me."

You froze, your heart slamming in your chest. He knew...

You were gonna kill Jaemin the next time you saw him, what is his problem with you, he's acting like you're the one who broke up with him, but before you said anything, Mark spoke again, his eyes widened, as if realizing he'd let the truth slip out too soon. 

"Shit. I—I wasn't supposed to say that." He stammered, running a hand through his hair nervously. 

"I mean, it's not like I didn't already... feel like something was there, but it's just—look, can I come in? We need to talk."

You stood there for a moment, stunned and unsure of how to respond. The vulnerability of having your feelings laid bare like this was terrifying, but there was a desperation in Mark's eyes that tugged at your heart. You stepped aside, nodding slightly, and he walked in, his presence both a comfort and a source of even more confusion.

You closed the door behind him, trying to brace yourself for whatever was about to happen. The silence felt heavy as you both sat down, neither knowing quite how to begin.

Mark's gaze softened as he looked at you, and when he spoke, his voice was quiet but sincere.

"I'm sorry, Y/n. For everything."

────୨ৎ────

The silence between you and Mark stretched on as you both sat there, the weight of all the unsaid words finally crashing down. Your heart was pounding and you could barely bring yourself to look at him. There had been so many moments, so many times when you wanted to tell him the truth, but fear had always kept you from doing it, but now, with him sitting right there, you knew you couldn't hide anymore.

Mark exhaled, his leg bouncing with nervous energy. He opened his mouth to speak, then stopped like he didn't know where to begin. You couldn't take it anymore, the tension building, the raw ache inside your chest that had been growing for weeks. You swallowed hard, finally speaking. 

"I've always liked you Mark." You said, your voice trembling. His eyes snapped to yours, wide with surprise. "I've liked you for so long... but after the first time, after you chose her I had to move on. I couldn't sit around waiting for something that was never going to happen."

Mark's brows furrowed, like he was trying to process your words. "Wait... what do you mean?"

"Mark—" You giggled, but it came out more as a sigh. "I gave up when I realized you didn't like me back. That's what hurts the most. I've spent so long hiding how I feel, pretending that I was fine being your friend when all I wanted was for you to look at me the way you looked at her." You said, looking down, fidgeting with your fingernails.

"But Y/n... I did like you. Like a lot. I thought you and Jaemin were—" He stopped, fumbling for words. "I didn't think I even had a chance with you."

You let out a laugh. "You didn't think you had a chance? Mark, I've been right here, the entire time. You're the one who didn't see me. Or maybe you just didn't want to."

"That's not true," Mark said quickly, his eyes full of regret. "I saw you, Y/n. I've always seen you, but I thought you didn't think of me in that way. That's why I got with her and when we broke up, you and Jaemin started dating."

You looked away, unable to hold his gaze. "I love Jaemin," you admitted, your voice quiet. "But I can't lie and say that he wasn't a distraction... from you." You said, turning to him. 

Mark seemed to flinch at your words, like they hit him deeper than he expected. "A distraction?" He repeated, his voice barely above a whisper.

You nodded. "It was easier, you know? To focus on Jaemin and have a crush on him instead, to tell myself that I'd moved on, but every time I saw you with her, every time you chose her, it broke something inside me. I couldn't take it anymore."

Mark's face twisted with emotion, a mix of sorrow and frustration. "I never meant to choose her over you, Y/n. I didn't even realize that's what I was doing. You were always the one I went to, the one I trusted. But I was an idiot, and I didn't see what was right in front of me."

The room was heavy with your words as you sighed, trying to push past the knot tightening in your chest. "It's ok. I guess it doesn't matter anymore. I'm glad we cleared the air so we can go back to being friends like we used to be."

You gave him a small smile, hoping it would ease the tension, but the moment the words left your lips, you could sense a shift in the air. Mark stiffened beside you, his body language betraying the discomfort your words had caused. He stared at you for a long, quiet second, and something in his gaze made you nervous. His usual easy going smile was nowhere to be seen, replaced instead with an expression that was difficult to read.

The room fell into a thick, uncomfortable silence. His leg was bouncing restlessly, his fingers fidgeting with the edge of his sleeve, like he was desperate to say something, but couldn't m find the words.

"But—" he mumbled, biting his lip nervously as his gaze remained on anything but you.

You blinked at him, confusion rippling through you. "But what?" you asked softly, your voice filled with curiosity and a bit of hope. You felt your heart rate pick up as you waited, suddenly aware of how close he was sitting.

Mark hesitated, his leg bouncing even faster now. He was clearly battling with himself, trying to decide if he should let the words out or hold them in. Finally, he took a shaky breath, his voice barely above a whisper. "I don't want to be your friend."

Your heart stopped. For a moment, you were certain you had misheard him. Your mind raced to process what he had just said, but the confusion only grew stronger. "Well then... I guess we're done here, aren't we?" you replied, your voice cracking as the emotions bubbled up.

Mark's eyes widened in panic, and for the first time, he looked genuinely shaken. He swallowed hard, trying to gather himself. "No, that's not what I mean." He said quickly, his hand reaching out slightly toward you but then pulling back before he made contact.

You tilted your head, watching him as his leg bounced even faster, his fingers now anxiously twisting his sleeve. His lips parted as if to say something, then closed again. The tension in the air was unbearable.

Finally, Mark's voice broke the silence, low and trembling. "I want to be more than friends Y/n..."

Your breath hitched. You weren't sure you had heard him correctly at first. Is Mark finally saying the thing you had waited to hear for so long? You stared at him full of disbelief, searching his face for any sign of a joke or hesitation. But there was none—his expression was completely serious.

He avoided your gaze, clearly nervous as he spoke again, his voice quiet. "I like you a lot Y/n. Even after all this time, I still do. I never stopped... I just—" He let out a shaky breath and finally looked you in the eyes.

"Do you still... like me?" he asked softly, his voice barely audible, and for the first time, you saw fear behind his eyes—fear of rejection, fear of ruining whatever was left between you.

Your throat tightened, and for a moment, you couldn't speak. Your feelings, the ones you had buried for so long, were rising to the surface again. The air thick with tension, you could hear your heartbeat pounding in your ears as you searched for the right words.

Finally, you nodded, slowly at first, then faster. "I do... I do still like you...so much." You whispered, the confession slipping from your lips before you could stop it. The moment the words left your mouth, you felt relief, like you were finally free of the weight that had been pressing down on you for so long.

Mark's face lit up at your words, his eyes shining with disbelief. He looked like he could hardly believe what he was hearing. 

"You do?" he asked, his voice full of hope and vulnerability.

You nodded again, tears threatening to spill from your eyes. "I've always liked you Mark. Even when I tried to move on, even when I was with Jaemin... it was always you."

Mark's breath hitched, reaching out, his hand gently brushing against yours. His touch was hesitant, like he was afraid you might pull away, but you didn't. You laced your fingers with his, holding onto him like you were afraid to let go.

"Do you... do you want to be with me?" he asked, his voice trembling as his hand tightened around yours.

Your lip trembled, and you could feel the tears welling up in your eyes. This was everything you had ever wanted, everything you had dreamed of. But now that it was here, it felt overwhelming.

Instead of answering with words, you pulled him into a tight hug, your arms wrapping around him as you buried your face in his shoulder. His scent was familiar, comforting, and you held onto him like you were gonna lose him.

Mark's arms wrapped around you just as tightly as he held you close. For a minute, neither of you said anything, just holding each other in silence.

Finally, you pulled back, cupping his face in your hands as you looked into his eyes, your heart was pounding in your chest.

"Yes," you whispered, a smile breaking across your face as you leaned in, your lips brushing against his. "I want to be with you."

Before he could respond, you closed the distance between you, pressing your lips to his in a kiss that felt like it was years in the making. His lips were soft against yours, warm and gentle.

The kiss deepened, slow and tender. For the first time in what felt like forever, everything felt right. There was no pretending, no hiding. It was just you and him, finally together, finally where you were supposed to be.

When you finally pulled away, breathless and a little dizzy, you looked at him with a smile. "We finally have each other, for real this time." You whispered. 

Mark smiled back at you, his eyes full of love and warmth. "Yeah..." he said softly, pulling you close again. "We do."

────୨ৎ────

The evening was filled with laughter, You and Mark were sitting close, his arm casually draped over the back of your chair, a soft smile never leaving his face as he glanced at you every so often.

The group had decided on a night in, just movies, snacks, and a lot of catching up. It felt like old times again, but better—because this time, you had Mark by your side in a way you'd never had before. Every time your hands brushed, every shared glance, you felt your heart flutter. 

Jaemin, of course, wasn't letting the night pass without teasing. He smirked at the two of you as he leaned back into the couch. "Look at them" he rolled his eyes playfully, nudging someone beside him. "Lovebirds. It's like they've been together all this time. Who would've thought?"

You laughed, rolling your eyes but feeling no need to defend yourself this time.

Mark chuckled, his thumb brushing your arm lightly. "Man, it took us long enough."

Jaemin raised an eyebrow, pretending to be shocked. "Took you long enough? More like I had to shove you two together. Where's my matchmaking credit?"

The group laughed, and for a moment, everything just felt light, but the teasing wasn't quite over.

"So, Jaemin…" one of the others piped up, a mischievous grin spreading across their face. "You've been all about these smart remarks tonight... anything you want to tell us?"

Jaemin's face immediately flushed. "W-What? Me? Nah I'm just here for the drama, you know that." He said, waving it off.

"Sure…" The smirk on their face grew even wider. "Except, we've noticed you've been spending an awful lot of time with someone lately."

You perked up at that, exchanging a glance with Mark. She sat quietly on the other side of the room, raising her eyebrows in surprise, her cheeks turning pink. 

Jaemin opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He was speechless for once.

Everyone burst into laughter. Jaemin couldn't stop himself from cracking a smile as he shook his head in defeat. "You guys are unbelievable."

Mark leaned over, whispering in your ear, "Guess we're not the only ones who needed a push, huh?"

“Mark Ive been known about it.”  You grinned, speaking purposely loud so everyone could turn to you. 

“How?” Jaemin asked, raising his eyebrow as everyone looked at you with questioning eyes. 

“She was the only one who wasn’t curious about why Me and Mark were holding hands when I was still with Jaemin. She knew about the break up before any of you knew.” You answered causing everyone to raise their eyebrows in realization.

“Dude… wait you’re right.” Mark added, looking at you with a small smile. 

“Oops…” Jaemin responded, everyone laughing at the squeak in his voice. 

As the night carried on, you found yourself taking little moments just to breathe in the atmosphere, to hold onto this feeling.

Every smile he gave you, every gentle touch, was like a stitch pulling the pieces to your heart back together. The pain you'd carried for so long was fading. Mark was helping you become whole again.

For the first time in a long time everything felt right and as you sat there, surrounded by laughter and love, you knew that you were exactly where you were meant to be.

And as you looked around the room—at the friends who had stuck with you, at the boy who had once been your closest friend and was now so much more, you realized something.

You were finally happy.

Oh yeah… and his ex left the friend group! Xoxo

[lovesuhng]

pink pen

w.c: 1.1k fluff

You didn't know how many hours you had been in that library; you were tired, but needed to study as much as necessary to do well on your final exams. Your concentration was broken when you felt a touch on your shoulder and then came face to face with one of the most handsome men you had ever seen at that university. His bright eyes, paired with the glasses that fit perfectly on his face, the black shirt that hugged his body nicely and the smile that lifted your worries instantly. You realized he had said something, but you had no idea what it was; after all, you had gotten lost in the almost perfect features of the man in front of you.

"Sorry, can you repeat, please?" You thought that must have sounded like an idiot at that moment, but you were sure when he chuckled before replying.

"Ah, okay. Do you have a pen to lend me? I know it's silly to come to study without bringing a pen, but I must have lost all the ones I had."

"Of course." You searched your pencil case and the only pen you found was a pink one filled with glitter and with a cat on top. You felt embarrassed to hand it to the man, but he accepted it nonetheless.

"How cute! This little cat looks like my Lucy. I promise I'll give it back as soon as I finish taking my notes."

And with that, the man went back to where he was studying, a table right next to yours. You wanted to finish studying quickly, but ended up taking longer than you should have because you kept finding yourself looking at him all the time. You had never seen him at the university before, but you would do anything to find out who he was.

That's how you ended up meeting Na Jaemin, a medical student well-known to many at the university, the very definition of sunshine and certainly one of the most handsome men you had ever seen. You were already used to going to the library, but your visits to the place became more frequent, both to study and in the hope of seeing the man again, although he rarely appeared there.

One day you were in front of the library, looking through the large glass doors searching for Jaemin, but found no sign of him.

"Are you looking for something?

You jumped and screamed, startled by the voice that spoke right next to your ear. You were once again so focused that didn't even see Jaemin approaching. The man was laughing at the situation you found yourself in.

"Do you really find it funny to scare others?"

"It's not my fault you're always lost in the clouds." You just rolled your eyes and Jaemin laughed again. "But you didn't answer my question."

Of course, you wouldn't answer that you were looking for him, so you said the first thing that came to your mind. "I... uh... was looking to see if there was any available table because I need to study, but there isn't, so I'll look for another place to study. Bye."

You wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible, but were stopped by Jaemin calling your name.

"How do you know my name?"

"Let's just say I found out." You couldn't help but be surprised by the possibility that Jaemin had asked someone about your. "There's a café nearby that's great for studying. Do you want to go with me? I was already heading there." You could swear Jaemin was nervous about making this invitation to you, but it was probably just your fertile mind creating a scenario that didn't exist.

After accepting the invitation, you were already at the café with their orders placed. Both of you chatted a bit and started studying or at least trying to. Sometimes Jaemin caught himself looking at you. He found it cute how focused you were while reading or when you got a little frustrated because you didn't understand your own notes.

The truth was that Na Jaemin had been watching you for a long time; he always found you beautiful, intelligent, and was really interested in getting to know you better. With everyone else, Jaemin was the most communicative person there was, but whenever he tried to approach you, something stopped him or he just froze.

"Oh..." you said in surprise, catching Jaemin's attention. "You're still using my pen."

"Am I?!" Jaemin said with fake surprise. "It brought me a lot of luck in the last tests, but I guess it's time to give it back..."

"No need!" You interrupted Jaemin, speaking a little louder and becoming embarrassed immediately after. "Since it brought you luck, you can keep it. It kind of suits you."

When tiredness took over, Jaemin insisted on accompanying you to your dormitory, even though you said a thousand times that you didn't need it. On the way, he explained extremely excitedly that he had three kittens, Luna, Luke, and the famous Lucy, and that although they were very similar, the kitten on the tip of the pen you had given him reminded him more of Lucy than her siblings. At that moment, you realized that you could listen to the man talk about the things he likes for hours and that he became even more adorable talking about them.

"Even though I'm allergic, I love kittens." you said when they reached the front of your dormitory.

"You could come to my apartment to meet my babies any day soon..." Jaemin noticed the invitation he had made. "I mean... if you want to, of course."

"I would love to, Jaemin."

Then Jaemin approached and held one of your hands. You were praying that Jaemin wouldn't notice how nervous you were about his touch.

"Can I confess something?" You just nodded. "That day in the library, I asked to borrow your pen because I wanted an excuse to talk to you." Surprise was written all over your face. You wanted to say something, but nothing came out of your mouth. Jaemin noticed this and continued. "I've seen you for weeks, always wanted to get closer to you, but never knew how, and today I made up this excuse to invite you to study just to get to know more about you."

"I've been looking for you all week, but I thought I'd never see you again in that huge university."

"So, does that mean..."

"That I would also like to know more about you..." you handed your phone to Jaemin, in a silent request for him to write down his number. As soon as he did that, you stood on tiptoe and kissed the man's cheek, who was surprised by your gesture. You were about to enter the building when you turned to Jaemin and said, "Oh... that pen suits you more than me."

At that moment, standing in front of your building with a silly smile on his face, Jaemin realized he was stupidly falling in love with the girl with the pink pen.

[starlightkun]

❧ word count: 17.4k ❧ warnings: cursing ❧ genre: fluff, some mild angst, model jeno, journalist reader, reader is lowkey a bit of a jerk for some of it but for understandable reasons ❧ extra info: this is a reworked version of an old fic of mine that was about a former member. since i still really love the fic, i’ve made some (heavy) edits to re-release it about jeno instead. you can consider this the spiritual successor/an alternate universe to my sleepless cinderella series

You’d finally gone insane, you’d decided. Absolutely bonkers, completely crazy. After all, how else would you explain the fact that you were now kissing Jeno?

You felt absolutely pathetic. You were a journalist at a rather popular magazine, and your editor had finally entrusted you with a centerfold spot. So far, your word document for your article had less than a handful of words: your name. Writer’s block, and with only two months until copies were supposed to hit the shelves.

And so here you were, sitting on the small couch in your boss’ office, trying not to sound like you were whining to her. But you needed some sort of guidance. Ms. Zhang was sat on the other end of the couch from you, legs crossed, and round frames perched on the end of her nose as she thoughtfully listened to your rant.

Her voice was casual as she simply replied with, “Anything new in your life, Y/N?”

Which was a complete non-sequitur from your desperate plea for a subject. She really just wanted to make small talk while you were having an existential crisis?

Stunned, you blinked for a moment before answering, “Uh, not much. My roommate made me go out to this party a while ago.”

“That’s nice. Did you have fun?”

You were still completely unsure of why she wasn’t addressing your issue, but went along with it, nonetheless, “I guess.”

“Meet anyone?”

“Kind of. Seven someones, technically.”

“Oh?”

Realizing how that sounded, you grimaced to yourself before giving your boss an explanation of the actual situation. Your roommate NingNing had dragged you to the grand opening of a new nightclub, which she got an invite to thanks to her huge social media following. She was possibly the only actually down-to-Earth influencer you’d ever met—and you’d met plenty, thanks to her. The two of you had been friends since you were kids, before you entered into completely different lives as adults. You had a 9 to 5 while she was being paid insane amounts of money by luxury brands just to post a single photo of herself with their product.

The nightclub of course had a VIP section at the back, which NingNing was easily given access to, as well as you, her plus-one. It was there that you were introduced to Mark Lee, an up and coming young actor with a practically cult following online; Huang Renjun, an extremely popular video game streamer and YouTuber; Lee Jeno, an actual supermodel whose visage was across some of the biggest billboards in the city; Haechan, a pop star that you didn’t dare address by anything other than his stage name; Na Jaemin, another streamer and YouTuber who had recently been picked up for a modeling contract; Zhong Chenle, heir to the Zhong family fortune, whose family was involved in anything and everything to do with the entertainment industry and owned the nightclub; and Park Jisung, an influencer more in the same vein as NingNing, with millions of Instagram followers. Apparently, you had made a good enough impression that Chenle gave you your own pass to the VIP lounge—NingNing of course had her own, too.

At the end of your story, Ms. Zhang had a worryingly knowing smile across her lips, “You met seven celebrities in one night?”

“Do influencers and streamers really count as celebrities?”

“You met seven very popular men—three or four of whom are certifiable celebrities—in one night, have access to a private lounge they all frequent, and you still don’t have a subject for your article?”

Your jaw may have dropped slightly as you realized this. Immediately, your face turned hot as you refused the idea, “I don’t want to exploit them and make them uncomfortable somewhere that’s supposed to be free from that kind of stuff.”

She frowned as she shook her head, “I’m disappointed in you, Y/N. I thought you understood that journalism isn’t inherently exploitative.”

“I’m sorry, I know it’s not—”

“Are you going to publish horrible rumors and tabloid things with private information they don’t want to be out there? Is that what we do here?”

“No, but they’re all going to think that’s what I’ll do.”

“Show them those assumptions are wrong. It’s all in the way you carry yourself. If you are honest and humble and make them feel comfortable, they should have no reason to doubt what kind of journalist you are.”

At this point, you felt like melting into the pinstriped couch cushions in shame. You shouldn’t have doubted your boss’ vision for her magazine or demeaned your own career. And now you’d made Ms. Zhang disappointed in you. You would’ve preferred her to have yelled at you.

All that was left was to make her proud.

Three days later and you still hadn’t returned to the lounge.

Honestly, you were just being a chicken. And a procrastinator. A procrastinating chicken.

Slumped into your armchair in your living room, you blankly zoned off into the distance as you listened to your playlist through an earbud. NingNing was perched on your kitchen table, feet swinging off the side as she edited some photos on her phone.

As she tapped away, you found your gaze fixating on the visage on the cover of a magazine that had been resting on your coffee table. Squinting your eyes curiously and tilting your head to the side, you asked, “He kind of looks like a dog, right?”

“Who?” Your roommate raised a concerned eyebrow as she peered over her phone screen at you.

“Lee Jeno.” You held up the magazine. “He kind of looks like a dog. Right?”

Your friend squinted at the cover then gave you that same look, “No, he doesn’t. Y/N, I think the sleep deprivation has finally gotten to you. You’re delirious.”

“No, I swear, he looks like a dog,” you insisted, pulling your earbud out to be able to better argue your point. “A very specific kind of dog, God, it’s on the tip of my tongue.”

“He doesn’t.”

You crossed your arms. “I bet the others would agree with me.”

“You want to go ask them?” She challenged. “Jisung texted me saying they were all going to be there again tonight.”

“If that’s what’ll convince you.”

“I have been begging you to go back for weeks, and now you’ve agreed to go back to ask them if they agree that Jeno looks like a dog?” NingNing scoffed incredulously.

“Yeah.”

“Alright, fine, you weirdo. Be ready to leave at midnight.”

When you arrived at the club, you immediately felt out of place again. You clung onto NingNing’s arm tightly as she confidently led the way through the crowd to the VIP lounge. She flashed a smile and her VIP pass to the bouncer outside the room, who nodded and stepped aside. As soon as the two of you entered the small room that consisted of one large rounded booth, you immediately regretted your decision. When NingNing said that everyone would be there, your brain hadn’t pieced together that ‘everyone’ included Lee Jeno, who perked up with interest as the two of you walked in.

Jeno eyed you curiously, an eyebrow raised, “So you came back.”

“Y/N has something really important to ask you guys,” NingNing announced, gesturing to you pointedly.

You felt like a deer in the headlights as all of them turned to look at you. Swallowing thickly, you avoided looking at Jeno as you tried to think of anything else to say.

“Sit down, let’s get you a drink first,” Jaemin kindly saved you, gesturing to the open space at the end of the booth seat.

NingNing sat down next to Mark, who had previously been at the end, and you scooted in after her. The circular table unfortunately made it so that you were looking directly at Jeno, who you couldn’t help but sneak glances at as your brain still stubbornly tried to remember what breed of dog he reminded you of. Another round was brought out for everyone, and you gratefully started sipping on yours.

It was when he smiled up at the waiter as he was handed his drink that it finally hit you. You had to bite down on your lip not to cry out in victory.

Chenle looked at you over his sunglasses—yes he was wearing sunglasses indoors at night, as he had been last time. He asked, “So what is this really important thing you have to ask us?”

You looked at NingNing desperately, but she just gave you a deliberate nod.

“Come on, Y/N, it’ll be fine.”

With a gulp, you gathered your courage to just fucking say it and get it over with. You still wanted to be right. “Okay, think about it really hard before you answer.”

They all nodded in assent, anticipating your question.

Taking a deep breath, you finally asked, “Doesn’t Jeno kind of look like a Samoyed?”

A couple of them seemed concerned for your mental state. The rest pondered your question whole-heartedly, brows furrowed as they studied the model. Jeno had a look of pure bewilderment on his face.

Finally, Haechan gasped, “Oh my God you’re right.”

“Thank you!” You sighed victoriously, looking over at NingNing smugly.

Jisung fervently searched something on his phone, eyes widening in shock, “Now that you’ve said that I can’t unsee it.”

“What? Let me see.” Chenle yanked the phone out of Jisung’s hand, holding a picture of a fluffy white Samoyed up to Jeno’s face.

The model tilted his head to the side in confusion, perfectly mimicking the picture on-screen. Chenle burst into loud, cackling laughter.

“Shit, he-he does!” Renjun declared between his own laughs.

Murmurs of agreement erupted around the table, and you were now fully vindicated. “Thank you! Thank you! NingNing didn’t agree with me so I had to come and—”

“No, I did,” she snickered. “It was just the only way to get you to come back. You’re a whole different person when you think you’re right.”

You tried to glare at her, but you were much too ecstatic at being proven right to really be all that mad.

Jeno looked about to open his mouth as Chenle giggled incessantly and started swiping through more search results of Samoyed pictures. A horrible sense of dread covered you like scalding candle wax. It was hot against your skin, thick, and you felt like you couldn’t move or breathe. You prayed to every deity you could think of that Jeno had a really good sense of humor and wouldn’t take offense to someone he had met twice saying he looked like a dog.

When Jeno’s gaze finally focused on you, you swore you had never wished to turn invisible more in your life than in that moment. Or make time stop. Or wake up and realize it was a dream. Anything to get you out of this situation. But you were absolutely petrified, all excitement from before completely eradicated from your being.

Then suddenly all tension was gone from the air as his eyes crinkled into crescents and his mouth parted wide to let out hearty guffaws.

You looked around in alarm, waiting for the hidden camera to be revealed or something. This couldn’t be real.

He managed to contain his laughter enough to choke out between chuckles, “That’s— that's really, really funny.”

Your wide eyes were focused incredulously on him as he caught his breath. Still with a grin on his face, he continued, “Oh my god, seriously that was fucking funny. I’m a cute Samoyed, right, Y/N?”

Utterly speechless. That’s what you were. And also staring at him, completely dumbfounded.

“I think you broke her, Jeno,” Renjun snickered, reaching a fist out as if he were about to knock on your forehead like a front door.

Instinctually, you smacked his hand away from your head, a scowl overtaking your features, “I’m fine, Renjun.”

“Then why can’t you look him in the eye?”

You pointed to yourself, “Normal person—” then to Jeno, “supermodel. I’m still not used to that.”

But Renjun was right, you couldn’t look Jeno in the eye, and your whole body was practically on fire. Honestly, how were you supposed to react to this situation? With grace and comfort? No way.

“What? Seriously?” Jeno scoffed, standing up from the booth to pointedly sit on your side of it. Directly next to you.

“I’m not that— Y/N, really? You’re actually scooting away from me?”

You hadn’t even realized that you’d shifted the opposite direction from him, pressed into NingNing’s side. Meanwhile, the others were all finding this spectacle absolutely hilarious, sharing annoying snickers and giggles.

Your face was burning, and despite your satisfaction at being vindicated, you were now regretting coming to the club at all.

“Can you guys stop? You don’t have to be so annoying,” Jeno scolded his friends, much to both yours and their surprise.

Haechan had a look of mild offense and disbelief across his face, “Being annoying comes as natural to us as being ridiculously attractive comes to you.”

“Speak for yourself!” Jaemin slapped Haechan’s arm as Chenle was practically howling with laughter.

While they were distracted among themselves, Jeno’s attention was focused back on you. If you could look him in the eye, you’d be able to appreciate the genuine concern held within them. But you couldn’t, so all you could do was hear the genuine concern in his voice as he said quietly, “Sorry about them.”

“You don’t need to apologize for them,” you reassured him, messing with your fingernails.

“Anyway, I can’t stand having you be terrified of me.”

“I’ll get over it,” you cleared the audible squeak out of your throat, “eventually.”

“Eventually...” Jeno didn’t seem satisfied with that qualifier you added at the end. “Are you busy today?”

“Uhm— I don’t know. Why?”

“We should hang out.”

“What?”

“The more you’re around me, the less scary I’m going to be to you. Right?”

“I guess.”

“Then we should start right now.”

Your throat nearly closed up at this suggestion. Especially because you realized that the room was dead silent. The others had ceased their squabbling and side conversations and were awaiting your response to this too.

So you did the thing that came most naturally to you: procrastinated the issue.

“Oh, well, it’s already after midnight—”

“Then tomorrow.”

“I’m going to be super busy for a while, I just got a really big assignment at work—”

“What do you do for work?”

“I’m a journalist. Just got centerfold and it’s going to make or break my whole career so it’s going to take up all of my time for the foreseeable future, so...”

Jeno was unfazed, “What’s the topic?”

“I-uh it’s...” you couldn’t even bullshit an answer at this point, your stupid tongue tripping over itself. “I don’t have one yet.”

NingNing just had to offer up her opinion right then, “Do it on Jeno!”

If you were a lesser person, you'd have strangled NingNing in that moment, because the model’s features lit up. He clearly liked this idea.

“Yeah! I would love to. If it’ll fit your guidelines or whatever, of course.”

You sighed, “It does...”

The socially anxious part of you absolutely hated this idea. But, the journalist part of you knew it was too good of an opportunity to pass up. Gritting your teeth, you managed to look Lee Jeno dead in the eye and say, “I would love to interview you, Jeno. Thank you.”

“Uhm, Jeno?” Jisung speaking up stopped the wide grin that was spreading across his friend’s face. “Aren’t you like, banned from interviews or something?”

“Technically,” Jeno answered dismissively, not breaking eye contact with you.

“Technically?” You echoed in confusion. Were you just being messed with?

“Something… happened with the last in-depth interview I did a while ago,” he admitted sheepishly. “But! I’ll talk to my manager and get it cleared, I promise, Y/N!”

[jeno: manager han gave the okay for the interview! when can we get started?]

Your stomach contorted itself at the message that just popped up on your phone screen. Last night you’d left the lounge with a growing sense of dread and anxiety. And Jeno’s phone number.

[jeno: i have a fitting this afternoon but i'll be done in time to get dinner]

[jeno: if that works for you, of course]

[jeno: we can always start it another day, whatever is good for you!]

[jeno: do you want me to send you my schedule for the next few weeks to make it easier for us to get together?]

Your phone’s continuous buzzing with enthusiastic and sincerely kind messages from him caught the attention of NingNing, whose feet were currently resting on your lap as you shared your couch together.

“When did you get so popular?” She questioned teasingly, peering at you over her own phone screen.

“It's just one person,” you informed her.

“Who texts you that much in a row other than me?”

“Lee Jeno, apparently.”

“Y/N, you seem very unenthusiastic about this,” she declared with a thoughtful frown, completely abandoning her phone. “Isn’t this a really big break for you?”

“I’m still a little shocked,” you admitted. “And scared.”

She shoved you with her foot. “Well at least text him back.”

“Right.”

Not a great idea to leave him on read.

[you: a copy of your schedule would be great]

[you: and yes, i can do dinner tonight]

It was less than a minute later that he replied.

[jeno: here’s my schedule]

[jeno: attached image]

[jeno: and could you give me your address so i can drive you to dinner tonight? the place i have in mind is kind of hard to find if you haven’t been before]

A lot was happening right now. Too much for you to process. Good thing there was another brain in this room to help you process it.

“Hey, NingNIng?” You got her attention before thrusting your phone screen towards her so she could read the texts.

“Uh, three options here.” She pointed to a new finger for each one as she listed them off: “He’s ridiculously excited about this interview; he likes you; or he’s going to kill you.”

“So far the last one seems most likely.”

With a shake of your head, you sent him your address.

Your fingers anxiously tapped along your bouncing knee as you waited on your couch for the text from Jeno that he was here. He told you that the restaurant was just casual, but you weren’t sure that a model’s idea of casual wear was the same as yours.

Jeez, what were you doing? Getting dinner with and interviewing one of the most well-known models in the country? You were so out of your depth here.

A buzz came from your other hand that was tightly gripping your phone. An incoming call from Jeno. Maybe he was calling to cancel, and you could just keep rescheduling until you both gave up on the whole idea and you never showed your face in that VIP lounge again.

Answering it, your voice squeaked as you attempted to give him a casual, “Hello.”

“Hey, Y/N!” The bright voice of Lee Jeno came through your speakers. “I’m just parking now, I’ll be up in a couple minutes.”

“You don’t have to come up!” You told him a little too forcefully and quickly. Having Lee Jeno in your apartment would just be too much.

“I don’t mind—”

You leapt up from your couch and rushed towards your door, “Too late, I’m already on my way down.”

With a sharp hit of your thumb, you hung up. Pressing the down button on the elevator impatiently, you prayed that Jeno would just give up and wait in his car.

He didn’t.

The elevator doors opened to the lobby, with Jeno right outside them. In fact, you nearly slammed right into his chest, but thankfully he took a step back before you could actually collide.

His ‘woah!’ was muffled slightly by the dark face mask over his mouth, accompanying dark baseball somewhat successfully obscuring his identity. As long as you didn’t look too closely, he could be any other guy.

“I told you I’d just come down on my own.” You shook your head at him, eyes trained on your shoes.

“And I told you that I’d come up and get you,” he shot back smugly. “Seems like neither of us listen very well.”

With no response coming from you, Jeno took your silence as the cue to lead the way out to his car. It was nice, nicer than most cars you’d seen around, but surprisingly not that ostentatious. It looked like something a moderately successful businessman would drive, not an A-list model.

Inside was a comfortable leather interior, and you took quick, short notes on the small notepad you kept with you as you looked around. After all, this was an interview, and you had an article to write. You could get over your own social awkwardness and feelings of inferiority for the sake of your future career.

Hopefully.

The restaurant Jeno had chosen was definitely out-of-the way.

It was down one back alley into another, through the back of an electronics shop, up a flight of stairs, then through a room of old ladies sat at sewing machines. They all gave a friendly chorus of hellos to the two of you, seeming to know Jeno pretty well as they all told him that he’d grown since the last time he’d come by. He bowed to them bashfully as he led you through. Past the curtains on the far wall, you finally ended up at the restaurant.

Okay, out-of-the-way was an understatement.

But despite the hard-to-stumble-upon location of the restaurant, it seemed busy. The small room was tightly packed with tables that you could barely see through the mass of people seated around them and plates of food resting atop them. A loud buzz of various conversations mixed in with the bumping of plates and clattering of utensils.

Just past the entrance was a small host’s stand where a young boy stood. He looked to not be out of high school yet, presumably a young relative of the owners: their son, nephew, or grandson.

He also knew Jeno, bowing to him, “Ah, Mr. Lee. We have your reservation for you. Come.”

Jeno bowed back and looked to make sure that you were still following the two of them through the nearly claustrophobic environment.

You were, eyes drinking in every detail as your hand furiously scribbled them down on your notepad, muscle memory functioning at full speed to write every letter without looking away from the scene around you. There was one more curtain for you to go through, and it was much quieter on the other side. This was most likely a VIP section of sorts, with just a couple tables separated by a divider.

The host gestured to one of the two tables, and you gratefully sat down across from Jeno. He then took his hat and mask off, fingers working through his hair for a moment to rid it of the hat’s aftereffects.

“Thank you, Yeonwoo,” he thanked the host, which you repeated as well.

The boy, who you now knew to be named Yeonwoo, bowed politely to the both of you before scurrying off.

“You must come here often,” you commented, hand poised to write his response.

“My family and I came here a lot when I was younger. Since I started my career it’s been difficult to eat here as often as I did before. Especially because their food isn’t technically allowed in my diet,” he had a mischievous glint in his eye as then he added, “But you won’t tell on me, right?”

“Of course not, unless writing an article about you that will be published in a magazine counts as tattling,” you snorted, much to his delight.

He laughed, “Right, right. That’s pretty much the ultimate form of tattling, huh?”

“If it gets published, yeah. If not, then the only people who will know will be you, me, and my editor. And I suppose Yeonwoo and our server, as well.”

“Speaking of our server, there she is!” Jeno announced, making the young girl who was approaching your table blush behind her notepad. She was probably around Yeonwoo’s age, maybe a little older.

“Good evening,” she greeted the two of you politely. “My name is Jieun, I’ll be your server tonight. Are you ready to order?”

You were a bit confused by her question, you hadn’t been given any menus yet. But Jeno seemed completely unfazed.

“Two orders of my regular, please,” he requested sweetly, which she quickly scribbled down on her pad.

“Of course, it’ll be out soon,” she informed you before hurrying away.

He turned back to you, “Jieun is Yeonwoo’s older cousin, their grandparents own the restaurant.”

You added this to your notes as well. It could be nice to add in to set the scene and show how down-to-Earth Jeno was, knowing this family as well as his own and not forgetting his roots even as a big model. Or something like that, you’d figure it out eventually.

“So, interview questions?” He prompted you, bringing you out of your contemplative planning ahead. You’d write that up later.

“Earlier you had mentioned your family, tell me a bit about them. Brothers, sisters?”

Could you have looked that information up online and found it? Definitely, but you wanted it from the source, to see if he would provide you with anything that wasn’t already out there. And you wanted to get a feel of your subject.

“Well there’s my parents, my older sister, and me. They’re not famous or anything. My parents own a grocery store nearby, and my sister’s a teacher.”

“You took my next question right out of my mouth,” you clicked your tongue in teasing disappointment, continuing on with a different one. “You said you used to come here often with your family, what are some other things you miss from your childhood that you don’t do as often?”

Jeno’s face easily betrayed his delighted surprise, “Oh, I wasn’t expecting that one.”

“Hm?”

“That’s a good question. Normally I get asked about celebrity crushes or my ideal type.”

You tilted your head to the side curiously, “If you thought that I was just going to ask you the same questions you usually get asked, why did you offer for me to interview you?”

“Never mind, never mind, sorry.” He coughed awkwardly, then quickly went to get off that topic, “Uh, it might sound kind of weird, but I used to help out at my parents’ store a lot as a kid. It was my first job I ever had. As soon as I could reach the register on a high stool, they put me to work. It’s actually how I got scouted, for modeling. My manager now just happened to come through my line while I was on the register and gave me his card. I thought it was a scam, honestly. But Jaemin made me give him a call, and he turned out to be legit. Even if I had the time to help at the store now, I’d just be too much of a distraction if I tried. And trust me, I tried. Once. So yeah, I miss helping out there.”

The desire for an answer to your other question was still there, but it was a path that you didn’t want to go down right now. Right now was time for the interview. So you simply scratched down his statement about his parents’ shop, then shorthanded off to the side ‘why me?’ as you readied your next question.

“You knew Jaemin before you guys were famous?”

“Yeah, we’ve been friends forever.” A fond smile crossed Jeno’s face. “Seatmates since primary school. He blew up with streaming first before I got my break as a model, actually. Most people usually assume it’s the other way around.”

“And what about the others?”

As Jeno eagerly answered your questions and you filled up page after page on your notepad, there was still that one lingering in the back of your mind.

Why you?

Over the course of a couple weeks, you’d spent a considerable amount of time with Jeno. According to his schedule that he had sent you, every free moment he got was taken up by your interview. Sometimes it would be more formal, like your first dinner meeting, and sometimes it was more casual, get-togethers in the lounge with the other VIP members or a riverside walk that felt more like two friends talking than a professional interview. And it all went in your notes, it would all go in your article. This was going to be a great article. The real Lee Jeno when he’s relaxed, what he’s like off the runway.

Today was very special, however, as you’d been invited to tag along to one of his photoshoots. You were just outside the building housed at the address you’d been given when you were met by a young man whose stern gaze never left you. It seemed as if he had been waiting for you.

“Are you the journalist?” He asked with a raised eyebrow, completely skipping any greetings.

“Ah yes, Y/L/N Y/N,” you confirmed, nodding your head respectfully to him as you held out your VIP lounge card as proof. Jeno told you that would be your pass to get in.

The man only scrutinized the card for a moment before he pivoted on his heel, “Follow me.”

You kept his hurried pace easily, ready to ask him questions as well, “So what’s your job here?”

He took a moment to push open a door that then nearly closed on you before answering, “I’m Lee Jeno’s PA.”

“Oh, Song Eunseok!” The name easily came to your mind.

The PA’s eyes widened in surprise, “Jeno’s brought me up?”

“Of course he has! You’re with him pretty much all the time, how could he not mention you?” You flipped through your notebook to where you’d taken previous notes about him, “Here, I asked him to walk me through his typical day, and he mentioned ‘Seokkie’ like seven times.”

Eunseok physically grimaced at this, “I’ve requested that he not call me that.”

“Why? I think it’s a cute nickname.”

“Really?” His eyes were now trained on his shoes as opposed to his previous laser focus on the end of the hallway. Your eyes could’ve been playing tricks on you, but you swore the tips of his ears were tinged pink, too.

There was another door, and this time you definitely couldn’t miss the fact that he held it open for you this time.

“Really,” you echoed.

The door had led to what you could really only imagine to be the set. Huge lightboxes, a couple cameras, and a multitude of people all set up with a single black sheet as the focal point. A white loveseat contrasted it starkly, but that wasn’t where your eyes were drawn. They were drawn to the man seated elegantly atop it, dressed head-to-toe like the playboy prince of a small but filthy rich country. Lee Jeno.

“You can wait for him over here with me,” Eunseok tapped your elbow with a feather-light touch, snapping you from your near-trance.

“Thanks.” You walked with him towards a table lined with various food and drink.

Your focus was still on the PA as he got a bottle of water, opened it, took a lemon slice from a small bowl and squeezed it into the drink before plopping a blue straw in as well. Then didn’t drink it. Instead, he turned back to you and held it in his hand patiently.

“The straw disturbs the makeup as little as possible,” Eunseok explained to you, and it was then that you realized it wasn’t for him, it was for Jeno. “Makes the makeup artists’ lives a little bit easier.”

“That’s very considerate. I wouldn’t have even thought of that,” you commented, taking note of that process as your focus returned back to Jeno and the photoshoot.

Knowing that your next question might be considered disrespectful, you leaned closer to Eunseok to whisper, “So who’s the photographer?”

He understood your delicacy, replying back equally quiet, “Chen Man, she’s brilliant. Jeno’s worked with her in the past, but this is his first solo shoot with her. It’s for the new YSL campaign that he was chosen to be the face of.”

And you were rocketed back to the fact that Lee Jeno was a famous model. Obviously, you hadn’t really forgotten it, but in your casual meetings and interviewing outside of his work, the magnitude of it was lessened. But a PA, giant photoshoot, famous photographer, and being selected as the new face of a campaign for a huge designer really hammered in the famous model part.

“Wow.”

It was just then that Chen Man called for a short break, and the silent studio was immediately filled with chatter. Jeno made a beeline for you and Eunseok, his normal contagious grin across his face, “Hey, Y/N! I’m glad you made it here okay.”

Up close, you could appreciate the detail and regality of his outfit. It was made of crushed velvet of a deep cerulean color; various intricate medals flashing on his chest; dark epaulettes making his already broad shoulders even more imposing; large black boots; and silver jewelry and chains glinting on his fingers and neck.

Eunseok offered the water out to Jeno then, and he accepted it gratefully, “Thanks, Eunseok.”

You continued from the model’s earlier statement, “Yeah, Eunseok made sure I got to the right place.”

“Good, I sent him out there to get you.” He turned on his PA, “You didn’t give Y/N a hard time, did you?”

“My job is to make sure none of your insane fans somehow get in here,” the other man scoffed.

“So you did give her a hard time.”

Eunseok rolled his eyes at Jeno’s teasing words. Despite knowing that they were employer-employee, it felt much more like two friends to you. You added that to your notes.

Jeno took a couple big sips of his water, and you took this time to ask him a couple of questions.

“So Eunseok was saying that this shoot is for the new YSL campaign that you’re the face of. Have you ever done something like this before?”

He blinked at you a couple times before actually replying, “Yeah, it’s really an honor and a big opportunity to be chosen for this. I’ve done solo shoots before, but not ones of this magnitude.”

Another figure approached your small group, a makeup artist. Jeno handed his water back to Eunseok before leading the way a little further away to sit in a chair. As the makeup artist attended to his makeup, you continued with the interview.

“How familiar are you with the photographer on this shoot?”

“I’ve worked with Chen Man a few times before—” he paused to let the makeup artist apply his lip color again. After she was done, he continued, “Her ideas are incredible and she’s honestly so wonderful to work with. However, all those other times I was with other models, so doing a solo photoshoot with her is a bit nerve-wracking. She’s the kind of person that you really want to make proud, you know?”

Thinking of Ms. Zhang and her disappointment in you earlier, you nodded, “Yeah, I know.”

There was a call for everyone to start getting back into their places, and you took this as your cue to leave Jeno alone. He had work to do.

The makeup artist did one touch up on his face before letting him up out of the chair, another person coming to his side to fix his hair up just the way they wanted it, walking alongside him awkwardly to do so.

“Take a bunch of notes on your little notepad, Y/N!” Jeno quipped as he walked back in front of the camera.

“Will do!” You affirmed, holding your notebook above your head and shaking it slightly so he could see it.

Returning to your previous spot off to the side with Eunseok, you had a fond smile on your lips from your short interaction with Jeno. Eunseok had a little smirk of his own as he gazed at you.

“And what’s that smile for?” You questioned, head tilted.

“Nothing.”

You elbowed him with a short giggle, “Come on, tell me.”

“No,” he shook his head, that same smile on his lips.

Even as you rolled your eyes, your focus never faltered from Eunseok. You changed tactics, a slight pout on your face as you asked again, “Please, Seokkie?”

Finally, he relented, “You’re pretty special, Y/N.”

“What?” You questioned in pleasant surprise.

“For Manager Han to have approved this interview after what happened last time, Jeno probably begged.”

“I can't imagine what would be so special about me.”

Eunseok had a brightness to his features that you hadn’t seen yet as he replied, “I can.”

You raised an eyebrow, “And what is it?”

Shouts from the set took both your attentions away from each other. Chen Man had been calling directions out during the whole shoot, but never with such aggression as then.

“Jeno! Lee Jeno!”

You scanned the scene in front of you as you tried to figure out what exactly was happening. Jeno’s arms were crossed across his chest, a startlingly stern but calm gaze focused on… you?

“Jeno can you—ugh, fifteen-minute break, everybody!” She yelled out in exasperation, the rest of the crew breaking the silence, scattering from the set.

Chen Man continued addressing her model, “Jeno, your expressions… they’re off.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll work on them.”

Despite acknowledging her words, you were doubtful of if he had actually registered them, stalking off the set with seemingly one destination in mind.

“Y/N,” Jeno stopped right by you and Eunseok. “Can I speak with you for a second?”

“Of course,” you nodded, well aware of how the crew was only pretending to be busy, instead actually focused on the three of you.

Your subject took off again, and you guessed that he anticipated that you’d follow him. Which you did. Eunseok stayed behind.

His longer legs made it a little hard to keep up with him as he took twists and turns down hallways of the building.

“Jeno,” you breathed out, seeming to finally snap him out of whatever mood he had been in.

Immediately, he slowed down to your pace, a faint smile coming to his lips, “Sorry, long legs.”

“Where are we going?”

He abruptly stopped, “Here is fine.”

It was the middle of some random hallway. He apparently didn’t have an actual destination in mind, more-so a distance.

“So what do you need to talk to me about?” You questioned, pencil and notepad at the ready. It had to be something for the interview, it couldn’t possibly be anything else.

“Y/N…” Jeno reached his hands out to cover yours, gently lowering the pencil and notepad for you. His hands were big and warm on yours, and you felt nerves flare up at his clear insinuation that this wasn’t for the interview.

“Jeno…” you said back with a nervous half-giggle. He was still holding your hands.

“This isn’t part of the interview. I’m not interviewee Jeno, and you’re not interviewer Y/N right now.”

“Okay…”

As soon as you had accepted these terms, he released his feather-light hold on your hands and took his own back to wring them nervously. What could Lee Jeno possibly be nervous about?

“Hm, I’ve never done this before,” he chuckled, pressing a palm to the center of his chest.

“Done what?”

“Okay, I’m just going to be upfront. Uh, I think you’re super great, and pretty, and awesome and I’d really like to be able to take you out on a date some time.”

This had to be a fucking joke. No way that someone who looks like him, an actual model, someone who gets paid for being ridiculously attractive, could actually be asking you out. This had to be a sick, terrible, horrible joke he was playing on you.

And yet as his big brown eyes gazed at you, wide and hopeful, looking a lot like a puppy waiting to be adopted from some animal shelter, you knew that he was being genuine.

And you panicked.

Stuttering for a moment, you finally choked out the most formal and emotionally removed response you could’ve come up with, “I’m sorry, I—that wouldn’t be appropriate, since I’m interviewing you right now. A bias or conflict of interest would damage the integrity of my piece as well as my career.”

Surprisingly, his features didn’t seem as crestfallen as you anticipated, his expressions were always so easy to read. He, in fact, seemed very happy with your reply.

“I get it,” he beamed at you, giving your hand a reassuring squeeze for a moment before letting it go. “After the article, then.”

That wasn’t what you meant. At all. But between your own burning cheeks and internal state of panic, you couldn’t express this to him. Or even really process your own thoughts right then.

“We should head back, Eunseok will come looking for us soon,” Jeno nodded with his head back in the general direction that you two had come from.

He kept a polite distance from you, allowing some of the panic alarms blaring in your mind to quiet just a bit. You tried to brainstorm ways you could possibly keep this interview going forever. Ways to give you as much time as possible. To do what, exactly? Maybe come up with an actual way of rejecting him. Or maybe give him enough time to change his romantic focus to someone else, so that he would never end up revisiting this subject after the interview.

You could dream.

“Oh my god!” NingNing exclaimed. “Are you shitting me?!”

You’d just recalled your day to your roommate, finally ending at the part where Jeno had asked you on a date. She had literally done a spit-take back into her soda as she smacked your leg in excitement.

Despite still being in disbelief yourself, Jeno had been extremely up-front and clear about it. No room for misinterpretation. Unlike your response to him.

“Well when’s the date?” NingNing squealed, pressing for more information.

“I said no,” you deadpanned.

“What?”

“Well, kind of.”

At the clear grimace on your face, your friend sighed, “Y/N, what did you tell him? Verbatim.”

“I told him that it would be inappropriate right now because a bias or conflict of interest would ruin the integrity of my piece and any career opportunity that came out of it,” you repeated your statement from earlier almost word-for-word, sure that it would be burned into your memory for the rest of your life.

“You do know that he now definitely thinks that you were telling him to just wait until after the article is over, right?”

“Yeah, that’s what I was afraid of,” you groaned, dropping your head into your hands and rubbing your face in exasperation.

“You don’t want to go on a date with Jeno?”

“I don’t want to date Lee Jeno,” you confirmed, nodding the head that you were still holding.

“Let me just review the situation here: you’ve got a very sweet, very funny, very hot guy that’s into you. What’s the problem?”

“He’s hot.”

Finally, you’d found it. The real reason you’d said no, the real reason you had a deep pit of dread in your stomach as soon as the words had left Jeno’s mouth hours earlier.

She snorted, “That’s a problem?”

“His entire career is based off being hot, he’s a model,” you explained rather desperately, relieved to finally be able to put your tumultuous thoughts into proper words. “I can’t deal with all that shit that comes with it. I just can’t.”

“So you’ll never want to date him? You’re not going to change your mind?”

“No, never. I couldn’t.”

“Never say never,” NingNing taunted with a sing-song voice, but at your eye-roll, became more serious. “Okay, let’s just say you’ll never date Jeno in your life—despite the fact that nothing is ever definite—you shouldn’t lead him on. Intentional or otherwise. Don’t let him spend the next few weeks thinking that you two are going to date after the article’s over.”

The anxiety was still there, however. “What if he doesn’t actually think that and I just misunderstood him? What if he just naturally gets over me in the next few weeks and doesn’t need me to confront him about this and straight-up reject him? He’s probably never been rejected in his life, what if he doesn’t take it well? What—”

She cut your endless strings of ‘what if’s short, “Y/N, didn’t he say that he’d never done this before?”

Realization hit you straight to the gut. “What if me rejecting him makes him never want to ask anybody else out again for the rest of his life and I scar him permanently?”

Your roommate had a clear look of ‘yikes’ on her face, and pure mortification ran through every inch of you.

“Never mind, there’s no way I could ever have such an impact on Lee Jeno’s life, that’s fucking ridiculous. I’m just some normal person, some journalist, and he’s literally a supermodel. No way this would actually matter to someone like that.”

“Y/N, don’t say stuff like that,” NingNing frowned, pulling some hair away from your face gently. “You matter to me, remember? You’re my best friend.”

Completely ignoring her, you continued, “I just have to be upfront with him, tell him I don’t want to go on a date with him, and be done with it. He’ll probably never think about it again for the rest of his life.”

She let out a sigh as if she were going to say something but thought better of it. You didn’t press her; your mind had been made up.

You couldn’t do it.

The next time you saw Jeno, you had every intention of being upfront. But you couldn’t bring yourself to do it. You were an absolute coward. Some part of you didn’t want to tell him, for whatever reason.

Maybe because the way his face absolutely lit up when he saw you was something you’d never seen anybody do for you before. Maybe because he asked you how your day was and didn’t look disinterested in your answer. Maybe because no matter how hard you tried to tell yourself that this was a professional interview, he made you feel so at ease that you somehow talked more about yourself than him.

Maybe because you did kind of want to date him.

Your notebook had been completely abandoned about fifteen minutes into your ‘lunch meeting,’ a fact that went mostly unnoticed by you. Until the waiter came with the bill and you had to move it out of the way for him to set it on the tabletop. You���d written just a couple short notes, nothing substantial. That wasn’t an interview, you couldn’t even try to bullshit it to yourself. That was a date-but-not-a-date. And you enjoyed yourself.

As you contemplated over your mostly-blank page, Jeno had already tucked his own card into the pouch and waved the waiter back over. Before you could argue him paying for you, the waiter was halfway across the restaurant.

“Jeno, I can pay for my own food,” you reminded him gently, feeling very much like you were scolding an over-excited puppy that had accidentally knocked over a potted plant in its haste to greet you.

“And I can pay for both of ours,” he countered.

You held his gaze firmly, waiting for him to— there it was.

His mouth split into a sheepish grin as he held up his hands in surrender, “Alright, I get it, I get it. Interview time right now. We’ll split the check for now.”

For now.

Maybe you liked the idea of that.

“Except this one, since they already ran my card,” Jeno added, a victorious smirk on his face, one that had you shaking your head fondly.

“Can I at least tip?”

“Already added that on the receipt.”

“How dare you be so thoughtful and respectful.”

He seemed about ready to quip something back when a distant chorus of squeals cut him off. You took a cursory glance around, eyes landing on a group of teenage girls standing just outside the window that you were seated by. They weren’t uncomfortably close, but it was clear what had made them so excited.

Jeno ducked his head shyly as he raised a hand to acknowledge them, only setting their nervous titters off again. Maybe he should have left his mask and hat on, or not chosen a table by the window.

And your heart dropped as you were once again reminded of who exactly the man in front of you was. Not just some cute guy named Lee Jeno, but a model who was known internationally, with fans who would recognize him out and about, with a career and life that was under the public gaze constantly.

You couldn’t do that. You couldn’t subject yourself to that. It would be too much for you.

With the girls still watching the two of you, you collected your notepad and stood up, stiffly bowing to him. “Thank you for allowing me to interview you, Mr. Lee.”

Thankfully, he took your lead, standing and returning your bow, “Of course, thank you as well, Ms. Y/L/N.”

Hopefully the girls got the message that this was business and nothing else. A dating rumor with Lee Jeno was absolutely the one thing you did not need in your life. Lee Jeno was absolutely the one thing you did not need in your life.

The light hum that had been in Ms. Zhang’s throat through most of her reading of your article suddenly changed tone as she came to the ending. Her brow furrowed thoughtfully, and your mind was running wild with nerves as you waited for her to speak.

“It’s good, Y/N,” she started.

You sensed a ‘but’ coming next.

“But… in the very first paragraph you introduce him as model by day, and explorer by night, or something to that effect.”

“Yes, that’s how he and his friends introduced him.”

“But you never bring up his ‘exploring’ again. This is about his life as a model and what he’s like outside of modelling here. You hooked me on the exploring part, but left me ultimately unsatisfied with that point.”

She was right. She was absolutely right. In your own personal whirlwind of confusion about your emotions and wants, you’d left a loose end in your article.

Ms. Zhang continued, her tone rising, “But…”

Oh, another ‘but.’

“This might just be perfect for a sequel. We publish this and advertise it as a two-part look into him, the first part his model by day, and the second part all about him as an explorer.”

You were caught off-guard, “You want to publish it?”

You had honestly expected her to throw it in the trash and fire you. You’d been so all over the place the entire time you’d been working on the article, you didn’t think it was anywhere close to your best work.

“Of course, this is the most hard-hitting and real piece that’s ever been done about the man! Most of it is tabloid nonsense. Not to mention that this is the first interview he’s done in over a year, it’s fresh content. It’s perfect, Y/N.”

Ms. Zhang just called your article perfect. You were on Cloud Nine, barely listening as she continued.

“Do you think you’ll be able to get a second interview with him? Maybe even tag along on one of his exploring trips or something, like how you went to one of his photoshoots in this one?”

That snapped you back into reality. Going on a trip with Jeno? That sounded dicey. But… also a chance to extend the interview, prolong the inevitable: his expectation that you’ll start dating after the interview. Your worst fear.

Avoiding an uncomfortable scenario and making your career out of it? It was an opportunity you couldn’t pass up.

“Of course, Ms. Zhang.”

Right as you walked into the VIP lounge, you were met with the expectant face of Jeno. You’d agreed to meet him there on your lunch break, right after your morning meeting with Ms. Zhang, to let him know if she was going to move forward with publishing your article or not. It felt a bit weird being at a nightclub in the middle of the day in your work clothes, but it was one of the more private places to meet with him.

“So?” He asked hopefully. “How’d it go?”

“She’s going to publish it,” you breathed out, still in shock yourself.

Two strong arms were suddenly around you, pulling you into a warm chest that was practically vibrating with excitement.

“Oh my god!” Jeno hugged you tightly. “Congrats, Y/N! I’m so proud of you!”

You hugged him back for a moment, enjoying it more than you should have considering you swore up and down that you weren’t going to let yourself date him. Then you remembered the other half of the conversation, your arms going limp.

“And she wants a second part.”

“That’s great!” He exclaimed, then after another moment, it seemed to have dawned on him. “Oh wait.”

And he let go of you, a particular chill coming to your body as he took a step back from you, declaring, “Professionalism. No bias or conflict of interest.”

You felt bad. You felt so bad. And yet you nodded, “Yeah, it’s still going to have to be like that.”

Maybe forever, if you could swing it just right.

“So… a second part about what, exactly? The article was super great, but I’m not sure how I could be interesting enough for a sequel.”

“Your ‘exploring,’” you explained. “I had mentioned it, but never returned to the topic or expanded on it, so she wants this whole second part to be about your trips and you know… all that stuff. Whatever you get up to when you’re not a model, and when you’re not a regular dude here.”

A rather cheeky grin spread across his face at this, and you didn’t want to know why he was so excited about you not dating, because you had a feeling it would be something awful close to it.

“Well then, what better way to get to know Explorer Jeno than coming with me on my trip to a tropical island next week?”

You were taken aback by both the invite but also by the event itself. After all, Jeno had given you his entire schedule for the past two months, which included next week. And you didn’t remember a trip being anywhere on there.

“Since when have you been going to a tropical island next week?” You asked incredulously.

“Since now.”

You sighed, rubbing your face. “Jeno, you can’t drop everything in your life just to do this. I can wait until whenever your next actual scheduled break is for whatever trip you make then.”

“Yeah, but I can’t wait,” he insisted, a near pout across his features. He pulled his phone out of his back pocket, half-mumbling to himself, “I’m calling my manager right now. He owes me vacation days anyway, I’ll just take them early. Make my three-week backpacking trip in Europe next year fifteen days instead. I can’t wait.”

That went straight to your heart, and you felt your chest hurt from the implications of that. He couldn’t wait until he could date you. With every passing moment you felt like a more and more terrible human being. Which you were, you absolutely were just a horrible human being for doing this to him. After all, like you’d said, you were never going to date Lee Jeno.

Right?

One week later and you were in your third airport of the trip, your second layover as you waited for your connecting flight. You’d been in interviewer mode since Jeno had picked you up to head to the first airport that morning. Asking questions, writing answers, asking more questions. There was no room for anything but business on this trip. This article would be the follow-up to your first piece that your boss thought was perfect. So this had to be more perfect than perfect. You wanted to make her proud.

Jeno, surprisingly, was being rather professional too. Other than the slight touch here, an odd phrase there that couldn’t exactly be classified as professional. A brush of your hands as he tried to get your attention, off-handed comment about how cute you were when you were focused taking notes. You’d only remind him that this was a professional article, hoping that he couldn’t see the bashful smile on your lips.

Or even now, he returned from what was supposed to be a quick bathroom break with waters and snacks for the both of you.

“How much do I owe you?” You asked as you accepted the food and drink.

“Nothing.”

You frowned.

“Come on, Y/N,” he sighed in exasperation, cracking open his own water bottle. “I know we’re serious professional interviewing here, but two people doing business together can still be friendly and do nice gestures for each other.”

He was right. He was absolutely right. You were being a jerk for no reason. Well, not for no reason. There was a small voice in your head that hoped that maybe if you pushed him away enough now he would change his mind about wanting to date you, that he’d think you were actually a jerk. And that little voice was apparently wrong. And also a piece of shit. Jeno didn’t deserve that.

“Right, sorry,” you shook your grumpy face off, offering him a smile instead. “Thanks, Jeno.”

He pulled down his face mask to be able to drink the water, and that combined with his inconspicuous baseball cap brought back the idea that he was a famous celebrity who had to cover up his appearance when he went out to avoid being detected. Even in some random foreign country you didn’t know the name of on a layover. If you did actually start dating him, would he have to wear those on your dates? Any time you wanted to spend time together in public? Would you have to start wearing them?

Those were ridiculous thoughts, especially because you were never going to date Lee Jeno.

Right?

On the plane, you halted the interview to allow the two of you to both take naps, already feeling the toll of the heavy travelling you’d done today. And you’d be doing even more soon, as this flight wouldn’t even take you to the island directly, you had to take a ferry from a different island’s airport out to the actual island that was your destination. Then a car ride of some sort from the harbor to wherever you were staying. And based off the clothes Jeno had requested you bring, you’d be getting very in touch with nature on this trip, another exhausting idea.

All for an interview. All for a way to avoid the inevitable.

As you snoozed, not quite asleep yet, you felt Jeno slowly shift in his sleep, his head lolling to the side until it finally found a resting place on your shoulder. Even in his sleep this man completely disregarded professionalism.

But you were too tired to complain, soon falling asleep yourself, with your own head rolling until it finally found a resting place on his.

“So what exactly happened at your last interview that was so bad you were banned from them?”

Your questions continued as soon as you’d left the airport on the island, only halting when you were caught off-guard by Jeno’s choice of transportation: a cream yellow moped. Which you were now on the back of, clinging onto your bag for dear life. Thank God you had packed light like he suggested.

“It’s kind of a long story,” he replied loudly over the wind. “I’ll tell you when we get to the hotel, okay?”

“Fine.”

“We’ve got some tighter turns coming up, you might want to hold on to something actually attached to the moped.”

He didn’t say it, but you knew what he meant. Wrapping your arms around his torso, you then held onto him for dear life as he whipped around the turns. How he could possibly make a moped feel dangerous was truly incredible to you.

“Yeah, that—” he stumbled over a voice crack. “That’s good. Much more secure.”

“This question shouldn’t be a long story: Have you ever driven one of these things before?”

The hotel was small and homey, with so few rooms that the two of you would be sharing one. Jeno had already informed you of that beforehand, having asked for the okay from you, that sharing the room wouldn’t be too unprofessional. While it definitely was, there were no other rooms available, so you were stuck between a rock and a hard place. When he informed you that there were two beds, you finally agreed.

Except it wasn’t two beds, as you found out when you walked in. It was a bed and a pull-out couch. And he’d already claimed the pull-out couch for himself.

“Jeno,” you sighed again as you watched him set his stuff down on the less comfortable option. “This isn’t two beds.”

He shrugged, “We have separate places to sleep, that’s what you were worried about, right?”

Your patience was wearing thin. It was almost annoying how sweet he was. Well, it wasn’t really him being sweet that annoyed you. It was the sneaky ways he liked to do it.

“Jeno…” you repeated his name, trailing off as you waited for him acknowledge you.

He was still messing around with setting up the pull-out couch.

“Jeno, look at me.”

At your request, he immediately did so, the attentiveness catching you off-guard for a moment. But you were determined.

“I don’t like being lied to or tricked. Even if it’s something nice, you know? It’s sweet, but I like to make my own decisions about things. Even things that may seem little to you, like splitting the bill at restaurants, or whether you’re coming up to get me or I’m going down to meet you, or you dropping all your plans to go on some spur-of-the-moment trip, or who’s taking the couch and who’s taking the bed. I’d like a say in the matter, okay?”

He gulped, seeming to really be taking his time to mull over what you were saying. And you did, too. It was another reason that you could never date him. He was a celebrity, he was used to being able to do whatever, to not having to worry about the kinds of things normal people like you had to worry about. The implications of that terrified you. You couldn’t do it.

Finally, he said, “Okay, yeah. I understand. I never really saw it like that, I’m sorry. I should’ve been more thoughtful of how it was making you feel. I’m really sorry, Y/N.”

Shit, this dude was way too fucking sweet.

You nodded, mumbling some kind of response to the genuine apology he’d given you.

Clearly as eager to change the topic as you, Jeno spoke up, “So, what was it that you’d asked me on the moped earlier?”

And you were more than happy to revisit that, snatching up your notebook from your bag and sitting on the bed, “What happened at your last interview that caused you to be banned from them?”

“Oh, right,” he physically grimaced at this, rubbing his face with his hands for a moment. “It’s a long story, don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

“I’ve got plenty of paper.”

Jeno let out a sigh, sitting on the pull-out couch. “No, Y/N. I can tell you, but you can’t write it down, you can’t publish it. I’m sorry to have to ask you this, because I know how dedicated you are to the integrity of your work but… if you’re going to publish it, I can’t tell you. I’m sorry. The others don’t even know the whole story. Jaemin doesn’t know.”

His words struck you differently, hearing the genuine defeat and distress in his voice. With a twinging heart, you tucked your notepad and pencil back into your bag. For someone who had been preaching about professionalism and keeping the integrity of your article, you were really so ready to throw it out for him as soon as he asked, weren’t you?

“I won’t write it down, I won’t tell a soul,” you reassured him, wanting nothing more than to sit down next to him and hold his hand and tell him that everything was okay. But you still clung onto some little semblance of professionalism here. For some fucking reason, when it was getting clearer by the minute that all your resistance would be futile.

Just a glimmer of a smile was across his lips for a moment at your actions before it was taken over by the same pensive face as before, and he started the story.

“It was… oh probably over a year ago now. I was still kind of new to the modelling industry, but it felt like everyone’s eyes were on me. My company toted me around as their rising star and every second I wasn’t at a gig, I was being interviewed by someone. It was a lot, but it was freaking awesome.”

The brightness in his features that had been there as he recalled the earlier days of his career suddenly turned dark at his next words. “Until this one interview. It was for a smaller magazine, and my manager didn’t even know why I wanted to do the interview. But it was a magazine that my mom liked to read, and I wanted her to be able to see her son in it. So I sat down with the interviewer, and it felt like it was going like all my other interviews had gone. And maybe because I wanted to really make a good impression on her, so the article my mom read would be as positive as possible, I accidentally led her on or something like that.”

You tilted your head curiously at this last statement. If it had come from any other hot guy, you might have doubted his actual intentions, but it was Jeno. You knew that he wasn’t only physically attractive but had such a way of being naturally charming and making people feel at ease that it was impossible not to be drawn in by his attractive personality. He didn’t do it on purpose, he was just a genuinely nice guy.

“But afterwards, she asked for my number. I said no. I let her down as easy as I could, and she took it with grace. Or I had thought so until Manager Han and the CEO of my company—who I had never met until this—sat me down in his office and showed me a naked picture of some guy and asked if it was me. You couldn’t see his face, and his build was similar to mine, so I could see how they were doubtful. It wasn’t me, but that didn’t matter. The interviewer had sent those pictures to my company saying that if they didn’t pay her a bunch of money, she would post them online saying they were of me.”

Your eyes widened almost comically at this. You couldn’t believe that someone could actually think of doing something like that, especially to Jeno.

“Now, the company doesn’t take very well to people trying to extort them or threaten their people, so she was taken care of.” After a pause, his eyes shot open comically wide as he shook his head fervently, “Legally, in the legal system, it’s not like my company like killed her or anything, I phrased that very badly.”

A quiet laugh came from your mouth at his backpedaling.

“Anyway, they decided that after that, it would be best for me to not do interviews for a while. I don’t really know what happened to her after the court case, but to my knowledge, she hasn’t bothered us. And I haven’t had an interview since. Until you.”

“Until me,” you echoed, mind reeling from this story.

This interview really meant more to Jeno than you had realized before. You’d incorrectly and selfishly assumed that he was so invested in it just because he liked you. But it was more than that. His last interview had been a disaster, the interviewer threatened to humiliate him publicly, and betrayed him. He had taken a chance on you to be different than that, taken a chance to make you his first interview back after the shit the last one had put him through. You were sure that he was feeling the pressure from his company to make it the best possible return to them ever. And he had entrusted it all with you.

You weren’t sure of how long you’d been sitting in silence for, but it started suffocating you, so you finally choked out, “I’m sorry she did that to you. She’s… a bitch.”

Jeno chuckled, “I guess. I kind of just feel bad for her.”

“I don’t,” you snorted, feeling your blood starting to boil as you thought about it even more. “She tried to ruin your career and reputation because she got rejected. It’s not your fault, Jeno. You didn’t do anything to deserve that. She’s just a bitch.”

While he didn’t outright agree with you, the faint smile on his features was still apparent as he went to stand up, forcing some pep into his tone. “Okay, time for some island exploring. After all, you’re here for Explorer Jeno, right?”

“Right!”

Right?

Being on the island was refreshing. Not only because you’d never been on a trip to a place quite like it before, but just everything felt absolutely perfect. It was the perfect temperature outside, the warm sun being balanced out by a cool breeze that blew through your hair, the water surrounding you was the perfect clear blue, the flora the perfect rich green, and the man with you was… perfect.

You’d given up on trying to keep your fond thoughts of Jeno at bay. He was wonderful, that was undeniable. And as you went around the island together, his baseball cap and face mask left behind in the hotel room, the notion of his fame slipped from your mind. Sure, you were still writing down your observations, small adventures, and pertinent questions you asked him. But you weren’t interviewing Famous Supermodel Jeno right now, you were interviewing Explorer Jeno. And he was someone you could let yourself fall for, even for just a few days on this little island.

After your third day on the island as you signed onto the hotel wifi to transcribe your notes from your notebook to your word document on your laptop, a few email notifications popped up, catching your attention. Reception wasn’t the best, and you had so many other things occupying your focus and time—mainly Jeno—that you rarely checked your phone. Not to mention that before you’d left, you were unsure of if you’d even have cell phone service on the island, so you’d told your friends to email you if they needed anything.

One was an email from NingNing, the short preview of her message that you could see making you shake your head. You were not on a romantic getaway with Jeno.

The next was some flyer from a store advertising their latest sale, which you quickly discarded in favor of opening the one from Ms. Zhang. The person who was literally paying for you to be there right then.

The gist of her email was basically just asking for a status update, a routine check-in to see how your research and interview was coming along. You filled her in on what kind of direction and outline you were thinking of for the article, telling her some of the things you’d done together around the island, framing it as professionally as you could. However, it was very hard to make it business-like, you realized in slight defeat as you reread the email draft to yourself. Maybe you could make it casual-business-friendly-sounding instead. After editing a couple phrases here and there, you read it one more time. Satisfied that you’d made it sound the least like a ‘romantic getaway’ as possible, you hit send.

You had just sent it when Jeno emerged from the bathroom, fully clothed and toweling off his wet hair.

When the two of you had gotten back from wandering the streets and seeing the nightlife of the town, you’d given him first shower of the night, wanting to sort out your notes as soon as possible. You had a lot to move over just from that night alone, especially the moment when Jeno was ordering something from an older street vendor and had suddenly busted out some local dialect he’d picked up from God knows where. And the man knew what he was saying too. Jeno never ceased to amaze you.

“Jeno,” you called his name out from where you sat cross-legged on the bed, laptop with the email still up in front of you.

“Hm?” He hummed in acknowledgement, abandoning his towel in order to run his fingers through his damp hair.

“The way the guys had described your exploring, and the stuff you’d told me to bring made me think it’d be more… rugged than this.”

A handsome, crooked grin split his lips, seeming very delighted at your observation, “And what did the guys tell you?”

“Jaemin and Renjun seemed fearful for my life and told me to be safe; Haechan and Chenle were rather ecstatic and told me to have fun in a tone that made me not want to know their implications; Mark told me to bring plenty of water and a first aid kit; and Jisung… well he didn’t actually say anything but his face said it all.”

“You talked to all the guys about the trip?”

“Not by choice, NingNing brought me to an influencer party with Jisung, Jaemin, and Renjun the other day, and I was summoned to the lounge by Chenle and subsequently ambushed by him, Haechan, and Mark about it.”

“They’re all menaces,” Jeno shook his head fondly. “But don’t worry, I’ve got some plans for us tomorrow.”

“That sounds ominous.”

He giggled.

“So we’re hiking to the top of this volcano?” You summarized what Jeno had just told you, in much fewer words.

“Yep!”

“Then camping near the top, which we may or may not be allowed to do.”

“Yep!”

“Without a guide.”

“I’m your guide, Y/N! I do this kind of stuff all the time, and there’s a trail to follow anyway.”

“Now I know why Jaemin and Renjun feared for my life.”

“They were being dramatic, it’ll be fine.”

“Oh I’m not protesting going, I’ll just make sure to type up my will in the notes app in my phone first.”

“Now you’re being dramatic.”

You laughed, putting your hands up in surrender, “Alright, alright. I won’t write my final will and testament right now.”

“Let’s go!”

Thankfully, you’d taken heed of Mark’s advice to bring extra water. With the amount you were sweating, you would’ve been dehydrated less than an hour in if you weren’t constantly replenishing the lost fluids. It wasn’t an incredibly strenuous or difficult hike. Not a casual stroll, but you were managing. It was just that it was so hot and humid now that you were in the more confined landscape of the trees, you couldn’t tell if more of the moisture was your own sweat or the water hanging in the air and clinging to your skin as you continued through it.

Jeno kept you plenty entertained with stories of his previous (mis)adventures, almost all of which were solo. There were a couple times that he brought along others, but they didn’t go great. One unfortunate happenstance was when he’d dragged Eunseok out white water rafting with him and the poor guy fell out of the raft into freezing cold water. According to Jeno, his PA almost quit right on the spot. Another time, the other VIP lounge members had joined him as a celebration trip after Renjun hit 10 million subscribers. They ran out of water on the second day, Chenle ended up spraining his ankle, and they were ready to commit mutiny before the 48-hour mark, so the trip was concluded early.

“Jeno, it sounds like the people who go exploring with you don’t have a great track record of enjoying themselves,” you pointed out, taking another swig of water.

“Are you enjoying yourself, Y/N?” He countered.

Looking around, you could just make out a peek of blue ocean through the trees, and looking ahead of you, the two of you were more than halfway to the top.

“Yeah, I am. So far. There’s still time for me to sprain my ankle or fall into a freezing river.”

He shook his head affectionately at your teasing, “Careful, you’re going to jinx yourself.”

“Old hiking superstition? If you talk about spraining your ankle you will?”

“No, but still. My own little superstition, I guess.”

“Got it. Then I’ll un-jinx myself: I will not sprain my ankle or fall into a freezing river on this trip,” you announced loudly to the surrounding forest, earning another fond smile from Jeno accompanied by a soft chuckle.

“There you go.”

“Another five minutes or so and we’ll be at the peak!” Jeno yelled back over his shoulder to you excitedly.

You were a few steps behind him, your legs had been complaining for the greater part of the last thirty minutes. But with this information, you felt reinvigorated, having the end so close bringing a new spark of energy to your tired limbs. You caught up to him, sharing the trail at the wider parts and staying just behind him at the narrower parts.

Finally, you were at the top. And you knew because the trees opened up to a clearing, the leaves and branches giving way to the most incredible sights you could’ve imagined.

“Wow,” you breathed out, turning to get the full view.

From here you could see the whole little town below you, other nearby islands, the forest you had just hiked through, and the vast, glistening blue sea surrounding you. The sun bounced off of the water at the perfect angle to make it look like it was made of diamonds. It was breathtaking. Not to mention that now that you were out of the humid forest, you could once again feel the cool breeze across your heated skin.

A pod of dolphins surfaced briefly, their fins dipping up and down between the calm waves.

“Jeno, dolphins!” You pointed them out to him eagerly, instinctually clutching his arm in excitement. “Did you know that dolphins in the Amazon River are pink because of repeated skin abrasion, and that the males are pinker because they have a lot more interspecies aggression?”

“I think my guide told me something like that, but I was too focused on getting my paddle back from one to really listen to him.”

You turned to him with wide eyes. “You’ve seen them?”

“Yeah, I went to the Amazon last summer. I had to wrestle my paddle back from a rather playful one,” he shrugged, as if it was just a casual little day trip or something. “So you really like dolphins?”

“I did a report for school when I was like 11, some of the info just stuck.”

As you kept watching the dolphins, a smaller one popped up in the middle of the pod. “Oh! A baby! It’s so cute!”

“Yeah, she is,” he agreed with you.

You furrowed your brows in confusion. “You can’t tell it’s a girl from here!”

Then you looked over at him, realizing that his focus wasn’t on the dolphins, but on you. Mumbling something about professionalism, you let go of his arm, clasping your hands in front of you as you awkwardly looked back out to the sea.

With a victorious smirk on his face—probably enjoying the fact that he was able to fluster you—Jeno took a few steps away from you, yanking his knapsack off his back and grabbing a blanket from it, “Time for a late lunch.”

He laid the blanket out on a flatter part of the terrain, then brought out a small assortment of foods. You sat down with him, eager to dig into the food. With how much your legs hurt from hiking up here, you hadn’t realized that you were starving until he mentioned lunch. Your stomach growled angrily, and you just hoped it wasn’t loud enough for him to hear.

Jeno had packed a very nice lunch for you to share. For the most part, you two were quiet, mouths full of food and eyes still drinking in the stunning view of where you were. You turned your phone on to snap a few pictures before shutting it off again. With no charging ports out here, you had to conserve the battery until you were back in the hotel.

“Do you know which island that is?” You asked Jeno, pointing to the one that seemed the closest to you.

“Nope.”

“That one?” You pointed to a different one.

“Nope.”

“This one?” You teasingly pointed at the ground you were sitting on.

Jeno raised an eyebrow. “Do you?”

Right as you had opened your mouth to say something smartassy back, you pursed your lips in defeat. “Uh, nope.”

He chuckled, capping his water and starting to put the trash and leftover food back into his bag. You followed his lead, standing when he did so he could pack the blanket back up too. Stretching, a few satisfying cracks came from your back, letting go of the tension that had built up from your sitting position that probably wasn’t great for your spine.

“We should head down to the campsite soon,” Jeno informed you quietly as you had gone back to watching the ocean.

He’d told you while you were still at the base that you wouldn’t be camping at the peak, but at another area a little further down the mountain that was a lot safer for sleeping on. You wished you could’ve stayed up here for the rest of your life.

“Can’t we stay and watch the sunset?” Your voice was nearly a soft whine as you resisted leaving so soon. “It’s got to be incredible from up here.”

“I’m sure it is,” he sounded very reluctant to be telling you this. “But we have to set up camp before it gets too dark.”

“A couple more minutes?”

“Yeah, of course.”

After being rather useless in helping Jeno set up your campsite—not for any chivalrous reasons on his part, you were truly just inept at things and did more harm than good when you tried to help—you sat outside the tent with him. The two of you were going to be sharing a tent, which he had asked earlier if that would be okay. You told him it was fine with you.

The blanket previously used for lunch earlier was under the two of you as you sat just outside the tent. The site Jeno had chosen as your campsite was in a rare area where the foliage wasn’t too thick, and you could just make out some of the ocean as the sun set. It wasn’t the picture-perfect sunset you imagined could be seen from the peak, but it was still pretty.

You continued with your interview questions as you looked out towards the water, scrawling down his answers in the fading light. You couldn’t quite see what you were writing, hoping you didn’t just make a bunch of illegible scribbles instead of notes. He spoke again of his trip to the Amazon, saying how he’d like to go back again sometime, and maybe have a better look at the pink river dolphins. The way he said it fostered some implications, a thought in your mid that maybe you could go with him if he did go back. That was a nice thought. And impractical one, but it gave you warm fuzzies nonetheless.

“So, why do you think you like exploring so much?” You asked him after hearing so many stories of all the destinations he’d gone to.

“Who doesn’t like to travel?”

“What you do… it’s not just travelling, it’s not just a vacation. You’re not booked up in five stars hotels in city centers or doing every tacky tourist thing out there. You get at the heart of where you are, you explore it, you don’t just visit it. Why is that?”

“That’s a rather deep question,” he let out a light chuckle, shifting to face you as he closed his eyes, taking a moment to think. “I guess… like you said, I try to get at the heart of the place, not the surface-level stuff everyone else sees. I’ve always had a sort of wanderlust in me. When I was about twelve, I damn near gave my mom a heart attack because I got on a train and wanted to see where it went and ended up fifty miles from home. And now, I don’t know, I guess the stuff everybody else does doesn’t really interest me… the picture that’s painted to tourists of a place isn’t what it actually is, and I want to find out what is. If that makes sense. Did that make sense?”

You swallowed hard, nodding fervently. “Yeah, it did. I completely understand, yeah.”

That’s how he saw the world, and it was beautiful. And maybe you could see it like him; maybe you could look past the picture that’s painted and what everyone else sees to get at the heart.

Up this high, cold started setting in some time long after the sun had finished setting and darkness was all around you, save for the soft glow of the lantern Jeno had going. The temperature wouldn’t drop terribly, but it was cooler than it was during the day, encouraging you to tuck your chilly fingers into the inside of your knees for some warmth.

“I’m sorry,” Jeno frowned, standing up and stepping over to the tent. “I forgot to tell you to bring a jacket, didn’t I?”

“I’m alright, Jeno,” you assured him, but his arm popped back out of the tent holding a couple pieces of clothing.

It was two sweaters, one he offered out to you, the other presumably for himself. You didn’t refuse, which maybe you really should have for professionalism’s sake. Slipping the hoodie over your head then sticking your arms in, you were immediately swallowed up by it. Sure, Jeno was pretty buff, but you were sure this would be oversized even on him.

You didn’t even have to try to pull the sleeves over your hands, sweater paws already there as soon as you’d put it on. Which wasn’t ideal if you wanted to keep writing stuff down for the article.

“I would’ve told you that I’m a human space heater, but I figured this was a little more professional,” he said, heavy implications there.

Butterflies fluttered around in your stomach as you took it upon yourself to scoot closer to him until your legs and sides were touching, “This is still professional, just two professionals huddling together for warmth.”

“Yeah.”

You were trying to convince yourself more than you were him, knowing that you couldn’t really fool yourself on this one. But damn, you could pretend you did.

It was pretty soon after he’d gotten sweaters for the two of you that Jeno interjected into your conversation, “So when is the article technically over? When you’re done writing it? When your boss okays it? When it’s compiled with the other articles in that issue of the journal? When the copies hit the shelves and its uploaded to the website?”

You let out a shallow breath, knowing what he was really asking. When can the two of you date?

The part of you that was saying ‘never!’ was getting smaller and smaller, and the part of you who just wanted it to be right now was growing bigger and bigger. And yet, for some reason, you were still listening to the little one.

“I don’t know, probably when it’s officially published. You know, when ��the copies hit the shelves and it’s uploaded to the website.’”

“When do you think that will be?”

“The first one is being published in this month’s issue. So, depending on how fast I get this one written up and proofed, at the earliest next month.”

“And the latest?”

“A couple months. I’m not sure how long Ms. Zhang will want between the two, if she wants to leave the audience in suspense for longer or give them the next part as soon as possible. Probably the first one, if I’m being honest.”

“Oh,” Jeno’s pout that you could see illuminated from the lantern was suddenly split into a wide yawn. “We should go to sleep, we’ve got the climb back down tomorrow.”

You were glad that he had brought it up first. After all, you were pretty tired, but you weren’t about to be the one to end the nice time you were having. Nodding, you stood, taking the lantern in your hand as Jeno folded the blanket back up.

Ducking into the tent, you immediately plopped down onto your sleeping bag, giving Jeno as much room as possible to maneuver his limbs around as he zipped the tent up behind him and set his stuff down in the corner. You put the lantern down at your feet, keeping the area illuminated as you climbed into your sleeping bag and started settling in for the night.

With the covers pulled up to your shoulders and Jeno’s hoodie bunching around your face in a comfortably warm way, you were pretty content to fall asleep then and there. But the light was still on.

Groaning, you looked down towards your feet, glaring at the lantern you knew you’d have to get un-comfy to turn off. Jeno had a small smile on his face as he sat up, “I’ll get it. You ready to turn it off?”

You nodded, your ‘yes’ muffled by the hoodie.

The last thing you saw before complete darkness was Jeno’s soft grin. That was a rather nice image to have in your mind as you drifted off to sleep.

Eyes fluttering awake, the first thing you were aware of was that you were warm. Very warm. Way too warm. One might say that you were currently in a pool of your own sweat. You’d have to wash this hoodie before giving it back to Jeno, it was definitely disgusting.

Speaking of Jeno, he wasn’t in the tent with you, which you noticed as you peeled the somewhat damp sweater off yourself. You took the opportunity to apply some more deodorant and change your short sleeve shirt before shoving your feet back into your shoes. You headed out of the tent, rubbing the sleep out of your eyes as you did so.

The very last traces of the sunrise were still in the sky from the little that you could see, but it was definitely morning. Looking around, you spotted Jeno standing a little further away from the tent, holding his hand out towards a lower-hanging branch. You wouldn’t have quite been able to reach it yourself, but he could. Perched atop the branch was a bright blue bird, eating right out of his hand. Your eyes widened just a little at this, though you were too tired to be terribly surprised.

Watching him feed the bird for a little longer, you felt your chest swell. His hair was messy, not having fixed his bedhead yet; a peaceful hint of a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth; his big, round, eyes watched the bird eat with a certain simple happiness that for some reason had tears threatening to well up in your own.

You opened your mouth to call out to him, but instead a hoarse croak came out, one that made the bird take off in a flurry of blue feathers and fear. Jeno’s head whipped around to look at the source of the noise, you, and a bright grin came to his features.

“Morning, Y/N,” his voice was even deeper from sleep as he greeted you. He didn’t even seem mad that you’d scared off the bird.

As he approached you, the swell in your chest continued to the point where it hurt, and your vision started going blurry from the tears building up. Jeno’s expression changed to one of concern as he seemed to notice your moist eyes the closer that he got.

“Wh—”

You’d finally gone insane, you’d decided. Absolutely bonkers, completely crazy. After all, how else would you explain the fact that you were now kissing Jeno?

With your hands gripping at his shirt to bring his mouth down to yours, you kissed him like you’d been sick for your whole life and his lips were the cure. All the voices in your head finally shut up, your chest decompressed, and a single tear ran down your face.

He immediately kissed you back, but his hands seemed unsure of what to do, gingerly resting on your arms, featherlight as they hovered there. As if he was afraid that he’d break you, despite the force with which you had crashed your mouth to his.

When you let yourself come back down—and also breathe—you loosened your grip on Jeno’s shirt, releasing him from the slightly hunched position he had been in. Slowly, you brought one of your hands down to wipe away the lone tear.

Jeno was looking at you with a tilted head. “Well, that wasn’t very professional.”

A strangled chuckle escaped your mouth as you fiddled with the hem of your shirt, “Yeah, sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize,” he said softly, a gentle hand coming to cup your cheek, urging you to look back up at him. And when you did, he lightly brushed his lips against yours. A tender ghost of a kiss, one that didn’t last long as Jeno ended it almost as soon as he’d started it.

Opening your eyes, you saw a nearly silly grin spread across his face, precious giggles bubbling up. His smile was contagious, one gracing your mouth as well.

“Is this going to ruin the integrity of your article?” He asked, still smiling down at you. “If you want this to be a thing, of course.”

“I do, I do,” you nodded fervently, a great weight lifted off your soul now that you let yourself admit that. “I’ll tell Ms. Zhang and see what she wants to do about the articles. Until then, we’ve got to lay low.”

“Movie nights,” he immediately surmised.

Quite liking the idea, you agreed, “Yeah, movie nights.”

The doors opened to the VIP lounge, where you had agreed to meet Jeno after your meeting with your boss. It was almost two weeks after you’d returned from what NingNing was now definitely referring to as your ‘romantic getaway,’ which you couldn’t argue. Most of those two weeks was spent by you finalizing your second article, not wanting to tell Ms. Zhang about how that trip had really gone until after you had work to show for it.

Jeno was waiting for you, already standing up and pacing the small room nervously. He seemed more worried about this than you were, despite it really being your career on the line and not his.

You made a beeline to wrap your arms around his torso, burying your face in his chest, and he immediately reciprocated it, holding you closely and pecking the crown of your head.

“Hey, how’d it go?” His gentle tone of voice betrayed his assumptions that it was bad.

Bringing your face out of his chest in order to look up at him, you squealed, “She’s still going to publish them!”

“Ah!” He cried out, tightening his grip on you until it was practically bone-crushing. “I knew it! I knew you were just so good she would have to publish your articles.”

You elaborated, practically buzzing with excitement, “Because I kept out the uh, more private details of the trip and focused on you and the trip itself, she says that it ties up the loose end from the first one nicely. Although, she did recommend not going public until after the second article was out.”

“But you won’t get fired if we don’t abide by that recommendation, right?”

“No, I won’t,” you reassured him, happiness fluttering in your chest as he pecked your forehead.

“I’m so proud of you, Y/N.”

“Mhm,” you hummed, letting him peck your lips too before you spoke up. “I do think she’s right, though, we should wait a while to go out in public as a couple.”

Jeno clearly didn’t like that idea, sighing in reply, “Why?”

“It’s been less than a month, what if you decide you don’t like me?”

It was meant to be a joke, but he took it seriously, kissing your forehead, then your nose, then finally your mouth, “Impossible.”

After a moment, he relented, “Alright. I waited two months, another one or so shouldn’t be that bad.”

“Actually, she’s publishing the second article in a special edition that’ll come out two weeks after the first, not a month.”

“I can wait three weeks.”

And wait three weeks he did. Three weeks exactly. Twenty-one days after your conversation in the VIP lounge, two days after your second article hit the shelves, Jeno picked you up for your first public date. This time, you let him come up and get you—your roommate wasn’t home to bother you—and he left his hat and face mask at home.

“Hi Jeno,” you greeted him as you opened the door.

“Hi, baby,” he replied, wasting no time in lacing your fingers together as you walked to the elevator.

As soon as you stepped foot out of your apartment building, whatever resolve he had broke down, and he smooched your cheek loudly. You giggled at the gesture, squeezing his hand to let him know that you were okay with it. After all, you’d made the poor guy wait longer than he should have, some PDA was in order.

The date was at a small café a few blocks over, within walking distance. Which you were sure Jeno appreciated, having a longer time to be out in public with you, never once letting go of your hand or without physical contact with you. He had to let everybody know that you were dating, and you didn’t mind. You liked that he was so ecstatic to be dating you.

At the café, you ordered up at a front counter, and the cashier asked, “Together or separate?”

“Together!” Jeno replied brightly, wrapping an arm around your shoulders.

You leaned over to murmur to him, “She means, are we paying together or separate?”

“Together!” He repeated.

Squinting up at him for a moment, you didn’t argue it, letting him take the check for both of you. Although you did take a few crumpled bills out of your wallet to drop into the tip jar. After getting your food, you eagerly dug in, a light and amicable conversation had between bites.

“So you really waited exactly three weeks, huh?” You teased him.

“The second article came out two days ago, I think that’s plenty of time for everyone to read it,” he defended himself.

“It took you five days to read it.”

He seemed about ready to quip something back when a muffled chorus of squeals cut him off. You took a brief glance around, eyes landing on a group of teenage girls standing just outside the window that you were seated by. They weren’t uncomfortably close, but it was clear what had made them so excited.

Jeno ducked his head shyly as he raised a hand to acknowledge them, only setting their nervous titters off again. This situation was eerily familiar, déjà vu washing over you.

But this time, you were kind of glad that he had left his mask and hat at home, and that he’d chosen a table by the window.

Because your heart soared as you were once again reminded of who exactly the man in front of you was. Not just a model who was known internationally, with fans who would recognize him out and about, with a career and life that was under the public gaze constantly, but also a cute, sweet, funny guy named Lee Jeno.

You could do that. You could subject yourself to that. It would be fine as long as you had Jeno with you.

With the girls still watching the two of you, you reached a hand out across the table towards him. Thankfully, he took your lead, picking it up before pressing a few tender kisses to your fingers. Hopefully the girls got the message that this was romantic and private, and nothing else.

A dating rumor with Lee Jeno was absolutely the one thing you needed in your life. Lee Jeno was absolutely the one thing you needed in your life.

“Jeno?” You called for his attention, ignoring the gaggle of fans outside the window.

“Yes?” He focused on you, squeezing your hand.

“I have a question…”

“I thought the interview was over,” he pouted teasingly.

“It is, I swear.” You lifted your linked hands pointedly. “I just… There’s something that’s kind of been nagging at me, about the interview.”

“Ask away.”

“Why me? Like, I remember at our first interview session, you thought I was just going to ask you all the normal stuff about celebrity crushes and stuff.”

“You remember what I said, about my parents’ shop? How I used to help out there?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“When NingNing brought you to the lounge, and you said that thing about you being a normal person, and me being a supermodel, and how you weren’t comfortable around me because of that, it really hit me. I-I really hated that.”

“Jeno, I’m sorry—”

“No, it’s not your fault,” he insisted. “It’s nobody’s fault, that’s just how it is, how our culture is, or whatever. But I hated that you felt like that around me. Because I didn’t use to be like that. I used to be a normal person, too. And I just thought that if you and I had met a few years ago, when I was working in my parents’ shop or something, I could’ve talked to you like a normal guy, and I would’ve been able to put you at ease and flirt with you like a normal person. Instead of having to do it in the most roundabout way like I did this time.”

You grinned. “Oh, I don’t know, you would’ve still been a stupidly attractive register boy, Jeno. I might’ve been a bit tongue-tied if we had met back then, too.”

“I guess we’ll never know, will we?”

“I guess not,” you clicked your tongue. “Though that would’ve been an even better meet-cute than me saying you looked like a dog.”

“Oh, so we’re not telling that story to our kids?”

“Kids?!” You sputtered out. “When did kids enter the equation here, Lee Jeno?”

“What? Who said that?” He blinked at you innocently.

“At least say the L-word first, jeez.”

“I love you.”

“Christ, I was joking!”

“I wasn’t!”

You shook your head, unable to fight off the smitten grin on your lips. “I love you too, Jeno. You crazy son of a bitch.”

⤷ blog masterlist

[ipegchangbin]

— winner’s deal

sub!jeno x dom!reader x sub!mark | 7.9k words | READ ON AO3

One game, one house. A bet turns into something more when team leader Mark plans to make your boyfriend Jeno all jealous.

❥  fem!reader (she/her pronouns, afab). smut. porn with some plot. ❥ threesome. college/university!au, student!reader & athletes!markjen. member x reader, member x member. open relationship themes. unprotected sex, mouthplay, edging & overstimulation, one light cock slap, double penetration, they’re all messy

📝 happy birthday to the one and only @meivida!!! my fellow dreamzen, the jeno to my chenle, my bff 4life! also surprise i write for nct drm too now. otherwise, enjoy !!

18+ only. minors do not interact.

Somehow, Mark’s not that nervous as he faces Jeno after the game.

Having swept the floor earlier with an insane hockey match, hockey team leader Mark and varsity captain Jeno eye each other down in the locker rooms with nothing but fiery gazes, squinted eyes, and clenched teeth.

You were going to meet them after the game for some “unknown reason.” But, with the way they looked at each other, they just knew.

“Dumb play on the floor earlier, Jeno.” Mark snickered at his teammate, referring to a foul move he got called out for. It cost their team a single point, but Jeno didn’t care about that.

“You didn’t bother to block the guy, so how else was I supposed to pass the disk?”

Mark decides to stay silent. They both know that they aren’t actually frustrated at their game, no, they’re waiting for the minutes to tick down along with the sound of your footsteps by the locker room’s doors.

Jeno breaks the conversational floor worse than he did on the court. “Anyway, why are you meeting up with my girlfriend?”

“Why don’t you ask her?” The leader popped a water bottle open. “You’re her boyfriend.”

“Shouldn’t you know why if she’s asking you?” Jeno had a point, but Mark snickered.

“Beats me.”

“Don’t act like you don’t know any better.”

“Because I don’t!”

Refusing to explode any further, Jeno sighs loudly with a big huff off his chest. “Look, if this is about that one move, I’m sorry.”

Mark simply nods, eyes away from Jeno’s face.

“And I just want to know what my girlfriend has to do with you.”

Even though Mark knows the answer, and Jeno has a hunch, they both shut their lips and wordlessly look at each other.

The truth is, Mark had a bet with Jaemin — if he could somehow make Jeno jealous, then a sum of money would be on the line. It’s been a running joke around the team that Jeno gets sulky over simple things, even if he tries to hide it. It’s something small and endearing, but even Mark thought it would be a step too far if he made him really envious of his girlfriend; Jaemin didn’t care, he just wanted money. It frustrated Mark even to be playing these types of bets, but he couldn’t say no, even as the leader.

Jeno already had that sneaking suspicion that he was being played with, but never in his life would he believe that you — his girlfriend — would get involved like this. Rather than jealousy, he was frustrated at the thought that the boys were teasing him in this way. He tried not to let it get the best of him though, even if he was already getting fired up in the locker rooms.

They eye each other down and it’s the most they’ve stared in their lives.

The sound of sneakers walking into the room echoes through the rigid halls of the lockers. A voice can be heard saying “This is the boy’s room” before being cut off by an extra loud turn of the shoe.

Mark suddenly fidgets in his place, all signs of cockiness dissipating as your familiarly strict voice vibrates through the room.

“Where’s Mark?” You ask yourself. With a resting tone like that, you could pass off as the team manager if you weren’t so focused on your other endeavors.

You spot team leader Mark before your boyfriend, igniting a little spark of envy within Jeno.

“Mark! Why’d you make me rush here so suddenly?” It sounds like you were scolding him with your furrowed eyebrows but you’re not.

“Uh, just needed to ask a simple question.”

“And what would that be?”

Jeno looks back and forth between you and Mark with a cloud of confusion over his head.

First off, he can’t believe that you’re involved in this. Second, you look way too hot when you look mad even when you aren’t. It’s not that you’re annoyed at him, maybe you are, but not to the degree that your voice suggests. Somehow, Jeno finds that assertive side of you so sexy that it’d be inappropriate to think about it right then and there.

Thirdly and finally, you’re completely ignoring the love of your life. Standing awkwardly beside Mark, Jeno simply stares at you and hopes you will stare back.

You don’t. Why’s that so attractive of you?

"How about you join dinner with us at my place?" Mark replies, a smug grin on his face, “Y’know, for beating those Stray-bitches from earlier." 

You blink. Jeno blinks back. It’s only then that you acknowledge your boyfriend. He didn’t even know that they were getting a celebratory dinner for winning the day’s game.

That’s when Jeno’s ears start to turn red with envy. “What do you mean, your place?”

He doesn’t realize he’s thinking aloud until your eyes widen and Mark responds with a fake laugh and a smug smile. “I mean, dude, you played well earlier, and what’s wrong with not bringing your girlfriend over?”

Acting all buddy-buddy, as if he didn’t just diss his play on the floor. But that’s not what gets Jeno’s blood boiling.

“Can’t believe I had to be the one to invite her over first instead of you.”

You seem a little less affected, more so confused.

Only a few things make sense to you at the moment. They won, sure. But if Jeno knew about the dinner, why couldn’t he invite you over? Then again, he doesn’t seem to know either, and Mark looks unusually cool to you right now, your eyes are flipping between the two men until your eyelids flutter for a second to refocus.

“I’m available later,” you say with your back straightened. “I’m going if Jeno’s going.”

With that, Jeno can’t say no. He’s in a trickier spot than you are, severely tethering between being unaware and painfully aware of what’s going on.

Mark then slams his arm over Jeno’s shoulder. “Guess you’re going then?”

But he’s bad at masking the nervousness in his eyes. He gulps and sweat trickles down his forehead even after the game’s been over for a while. His plan to make Jeno jealous all for what could probably be lunch money is backing him into a corner — and he mentally hates wearing the dunce hat.

Jeno nods his head with a squint.

“Alright! I’ll see you guys later.”

He ruffles Jeno's hair and leaves with a turn of the heel. The squeak of his rubber shoes echoes through the locker rooms. You turn to your disheveled puppy of a boyfriend, fixing the messy hair.

“You sure you wanna go?” Your question is met with a nod from him. He compliantly keeps his head down for you to scratch it slightly, leaving the boy with a flushed face and redder ears.

“If we get dinner at Mark’s, can we get dessert at mine after?” Jeno suggests.

“Sure thing,” you giggle. “How could I say no to a polite boy like you?”

If Jeno had a tail, he’d be wagging it now. Reassured, he simply takes your hand in his as you lead each other out of the lockers. Should Mark or Jaemin be there, they would’ve thought that they lost from the sight of the both of you.

Time rolls around until it’s night. The lights are on while the sun is out, the moon barely illuminating your steps alongside Jeno’s on the way to Mark’s place.

The streets are usually busier but you don’t mind the quieter walk when your boyfriend intertwines his fingers with yours. The sidewalks are skinnier but he uses that as an excuse to walk closer to you. He’s the unusual one now, becoming slightly clingier than he normally would.

You figure if it has anything to do with Mark’s antics.

“You still wanna go to his place? We can grab something else,” you suggest.

That’s where you’re wrong, though.

“No, let’s go,” Jeno says with a smile and a contrasting squeeze of your hand.

He wants to prove himself against Mark.

You’d think that he’s unintentionally losing, giving in to the envy and jealousy building up in his core — but that’s not what this is. He wants to show him that you’re his, and he’s yours. Given the attitude that the both of them were giving each other, he wanted to one-up his own leader. He can’t quite explain it himself.

You both make it to Mark's place though, but you don't recognize any of the cars around his apartment. Actually, there are no vehicles around Mark's spot at all. Not even Chenle's car is there, the signature pickup that took their friend group everywhere. It seems like both of you came early.

So, you ring on his doorbell. Jeno tests himself by letting your hand go.

No response. Ding-dong; no response again.

You do hear hurried footsteps though, but it takes long before anything happens. Antsy, Jeno fidgets as he stops himself from the instinct of holding your hand again. Minutes go by before the door finally answers: Mark looks disheveled and hurriedly dressed.

You’d be damned if you say he’s cute, so you digress, focusing on your boyfriend instead.

The two men high-five with a side hug — despite lingering hard feelings — and you enter the seemingly lifeless house.

“…Where’s the party?” You squeak.

Mark leans against the door frame with crossed arms. “You’re the first in here.”

On the table sits nothing but Mark's takeout and a couple of other snacks. The only fresh thing seems to be the chicken he ordered just an hour ago. Jeno raises an eyebrow at Mark.

“Oh, Y/N, can I tell you something before the others arrive?”

You raise an eyebrow. “Sure.”

“But Jeno can’t hear about it.”

What is it this time?

Mark isn't even sure of what he should say to you. Maybe he should flat-out admit that he's in a bet to make Jeno jealous.

Maybe he should admit a little secret he’s been keeping to himself for years — he finds you kind of cute.

It’s not something he holds as he would a crush, that would be wrong of him. He just always considered his best friend lucky for bagging someone as great as you. You’re someone he likes to look at and converse with — it’s nothing about that kind of attraction, at least he thinks. Mark isn’t here to homewreck, but he can’t help his brain when you’re in the picture.

He shouldn’t talk about that, though. Not when Jeno’s there, not when he’s supposed to be faking a party, not when he’s practically using you to win a bet against his friend.

He feels like a shitty person, but before the college-boy-antics-guilt settles in, you follow Mark behind the door of his kitchen.

“What is it that you wanted to talk about?”

Mark’s pupils dart around, trying to find anything but your face to focus on. “Well, uhm, actually…”

Meanwhile, Jeno has a hunch that the party’s not real when Renjun sends a picture to him. He’s with Jaemin and Chenle, all three looking at the camera with mischievous eyes.

All of his suspicions confirm themselves with question marks and indefinite periods while waiting for you with heated cheeks.

It’s not that he’s clingy — he doesn’t want to admit so — and it’s not that he’s jealous — he can’t admit that either. In all fairness, he just wants you to be safe; he trusts you enough to be in Mark’s presence, but alone with a secret he can’t know about? Why would you be hiding behind a door in Mark’s apartment?

The anxiety creeps under his skin, sending off various signals in his brain to check in on you and his friend.

He walks in on you urging the other to speak. “Come on, Mark, what is it that you wanted to say—”

“If you have anything to say to her, say it to my face too,” Jeno butts in.

Mark blinks. He’s sweating.

He doesn’t know what to do. That is, he didn’t, not until he blurts something out.

"Fine, y'all can do whatever you want in here!" Mark apologizes. "I'm sorry, I don't want to waste your time. You guys can hang around, get more food, sleepover — hell, y'all can fuck and that's fine, I'm just really sorry."

It’s your turn to blink along with Jeno.

“Y-You weren’t gonna say anything?”

Mark’s cheeks turn red as he stumbles over his words. “Okay—where do I start? I was in a bet with Jaemin, and he bet that I could make Jeno jealous.” He uses his hands to communicate after pausing. “Like—okay, I didn’t think it would go this far, I’m sorry.”

But something clicks in his head as soon as he sees Jeno’s beet-red face.

“Though I feel like I won anyway,” he giggles awkwardly. “I think I actually made you jealous for a minute there.”

You turn to your poor boyfriend and find him fully flushed, hands balled into fists, forehead glistening with beads of sweat. Jeno’s eyebrows sit furiously on his tall nose, but his mouth is unsure — that’s when he realizes his envy getting the best of him for at least that moment.

You think it's cute, though. Perhaps you're the worst person for being amused to see your friend play games with your boyfriend.

“So, how much was the bet?” You break the ice, and Jeno turns to you with a shocked face.

“Twenty bucks…” Mark scratches his head, “…I guess it’s worth it?”

You laugh at him, lightly punching his shoulder. At that moment, Jeno's feelings start to blur as he experiences light deja vu before his eyes. With the way you were interacting with Mark before him, he was feeling that creeping jealousy come back. He tries to suppress it as best as he can, but this time it fails — the frustration shows in his face as you laugh and act as if he isn't there.

He’s the boyfriend. He should be the one you’re defending and paying attention to, but for some reason, you don’t mind either you or him getting played with for twenty stupid bucks.

Also, you’re hot as fuck when you’re smiling at someone else, and it frustrates him even more.

“We can do anything here, yeah?” Jeno speaks up.

Mark smiles. “Yeah. I don’t mind at all, it’s my little peace offering.”

Without another word, Jeno grabs your hand as he drags you out of the room. He runs to Mark’s bedroom, holding you firmly, closing the door only slightly shut with the other.

“What the fuck are you doing?” You hiss. “You can’t just dart out like that! And my hand hurts a bit.”

At that, Jeno wordlessly inspects your wrist, thinking he hurt you in the midst of his envy — he’s also avoiding your queries.

“You’re cute when you’re jealous, but there’s no reason to be.” The reassurance doesn’t work as his eyes fixate on your hand. “It’s just a bet between them, and at the end of the day, I still love you.”

Your words fall on semi-deaf ears, the only visual effect being his cheeks getting a shade deeper. He fidgets with your fingers.

Mildly frustrated yourself, you reach out with both hands to cup his face and refocus on yours. “Jeno.”

The look he gives you sends a signal off in your head.

What seems to be hearts form in his eyes. He looks like he wants to be possessive, but he wants you to own him. Make him yours. It’s a look you’ve seen many times on his face but you can’t pinpoint the exact reason why it still gets you every time.

Like a pleading puppy, his cheeks sink into your palms as he stares back into you.

“I just…” Jeno clears his throat, “I don’t want you to be played with like that. And I-I want to be just yours.”

Your shock softens as you rub your thumbs across his cheekbones. “Oh lovely, there’s nothing to worry about. I really love you.”

He unexpectedly lunges his head forward, trapping your lips in a loving kiss. It takes a full ten seconds, eyes closed and heads tilted to find each other’s connection between the mouths, and you pull away with a huff.

“Jeno, we shouldn’t.”

You know that this usually escalates to something more than just stolen kisses. You try to stop it before anything, and your boyfriend knows this, but he doesn’t stop at all.

“Mark said we can do anything.”

You push his chest gently. “That’s not a go signal!”

“Yeah, but if anything, Mark should be the shameful one.”

Before you could question it, Jeno nods his head towards the creaked open door, revealing Mark standing behind it.

He was caught listening in.

“Hey, d-don’t take this wrong,” Mark stutters, “Was just gonna ask why you ran out on me!”

For some reason, you aren’t mad about it.

Jeno’s weirded out, that’s for sure — but neither of you can stay too mad. He had his reasons to look for you but not to ogle for that long, but maybe it’s the heat post-kiss that drives your head to a place where it shouldn’t be; especially not in team leader Mark’s house.

But it’s going there.

“I guess we’re all forgetting our manners,” you suggest with high eyebrows. Your voice, however, takes on a deeper tone with a timbre that Mark hasn’t heard — but your boyfriend knows too well.

Mark observes as your boyfriend shivers. He looks at you surprised as if he didn’t just kiss you in his best friend’s house; he knows you could make it worse.

“If you hadn’t been so nosy, I would’ve invited you, you know.”

That’s more than enough of a signal to get Mark and Jeno’s heads spiraling.

Jeno isn’t too sure what you mean. He does, but he doesn’t know why you’re acting so coy — like you were never caught off-guard. As your boyfriend, he knows your antics, but as a separate person, he isn’t too sure how to think of your thinking.

Inviting Mark to step into the same room, you reach your fingers out and curl them towards you.

“Jeno was gonna be mine for the night. It wouldn’t hurt if I could just have another toy to play with though, yeah?”

You only lay your eyes on your boyfriend at the last word. It isn’t a look of confirmation, but rather assertion — you stated it like a fact and he isn’t ready to react before you glare at him. There’s only one answer to you, and Jeno nods, making you smirk proudly.

Mark simply watches speechlessly until you smile at him.

"I mean, as you said, we could do anything. It's still your house though, so feel free to call it off..." The wind that blows as your words slow down seems to add to the heat growing in Mark's cheeks. The warmth under his skin only boils as he notices Jeno's lack of protest — worse, he sees compliance and anticipation.

He gulps as he realizes that he doesn’t want to call it off.

“So what? Care to join?”

The three have you have waited long enough for a response but his house slippers are glued to the floor. His mouth hangs open for a response but nothing leaves him.

A chuckle leaves your mouth as you take the step to inch closer to him while holding your boyfriend's hand at the back.

“Don’t be shy,” your free hand snakes up to Mark’s shoulder, “I don’t bite.”

It's a lie as per Jeno's eyes. You'll bite if presented with the consent.

Just as soon as Mark musters up a response, he finds your lips on his cheek as you pull him closer to your boyfriend. The proximity and sudden actions kill him bit by bit from the inside out. A tent forms in his pants but he thinks nothing of it when you kiss him on the lips right after.

Jeno watches with no hint of jealousy, but a watering mouth follows.

Mark savors the taste of your lips for a second, then another — before it’s all gone as you pull away with a mischievous smile.

Grabbing his chin with one hand, your thumb swipes past his wetted plump lower lip. You tilt his head slightly towards Jeno, letting your boyfriend watch as you slip your thumb inside his mouth. Mark's eyes light up, watching your face as you fixate on his mouth.

He instinctively attempts to suck your thumb, but you pry his mouth open with your other hand’s fingers, hooking his head up by his front teeth. It’s fully exposed now, Mark’s tongue out with saliva flowing from the roof of his mouth, down onto strong teeth, all the way to your index and middle fingers. Jeno speechlessly savors the sight of you leaning down to kiss his best friend’s tongue.

Desire fills him as you press your lips firmly against his tongue, smiling, then pulling back to admire the flustered mess you’ve made of the boy. Your boyfriend enjoys the view, inching close to the both of you to kiss your lips right after. Your hands never leave Mark’s open mouth.

“Kiss him.” Your index finger tugs on the corner of Mark’s lips to feign a smile. “See? He’s waiting for it.”

Jeno eyes his teammate with lust. He closes his eyes and mirrors your antics, kissing not just Mark’s tongue but his teeth too, his lips, and any inch of flesh he can get. He licks the spit in his mouth and gulps after each kiss.

As Jeno pulls away, you leave Mark’s mouth alone, making the boy cough at the sudden absence of you both — but he smiles right after.

“Fuck,” he simply whispers.

Proud of what you’ve done, you turn to make out with Jeno while your wet hands travel down to tug at a belt hoop on Mark’s pants. The signal hits him late, causing him to hurriedly unbutton his pants. You laugh into Jeno’s kiss.

“Look at this boy, he doesn’t know what to do.”

“Always like that,” Jeno comments. “He’s the cutest when he’s panicked.”

Mark’s head shoots up at Jeno. Cute? Since when was he cute to him?

It takes long the boy a minute — he zones out for a few seconds as you and Jeno start kissing up his sides, from the neck down to his hips. He can't believe anything that's happening. Whatever this was, the sudden thing he'd gotten himself into while in his own home, he couldn't seem to pull himself away from it. A magnetic force is locking him in as you suck on his neck.

Mark moans, deliciously caught by Jeno’s mouth as he makes out with him briefly while holding him firmly by the waist. Mark can feel Jeno’s hard length, straining painfully against Mark’s back. His own cock hangs against his boxers, the crotch exposed as you pull his unbuttoned pants down.

His vision blurs. His mouth salivates but feels dry. He begins to get dizzy — he can't black out though, and even if none of this is quite right, he isn't mad at all. He loves it.

The desire in him burns as you push your own body onto the bed, admiring the two boys before you.

Your hand cups your boyfriend’s ass, digging your palm inside his back pocket. “Jeno, get your pants off now.”

“Want you to help me too.” He responds with a pout.

“How about you ask your friend over here to assist you?”

Jeno obediently turns to Mark with an expression akin to that of an excited puppy. It’s another sight that only you have seen, and Mark thinks it’s an honor to see it himself; his brain lags at the adorable blink Jeno gives, before pawing at his crotch.

“You’re so hard.”

“I know. Please help me.”

It doesn’t take Mark too long this time to fully respond to this request. He eagerly reaches for the button on Jeno’s pants and frees the strained crotch, leaving him in his boxers.

Something gets the best of him. Maybe it's because this is all wrong, or maybe it's a pent-up expression of all the times he's seen his best friend in boxers — it drives him more insane than it should, seeing his length while they change in the locker rooms — but whatever it is, it drives him to pull at the hem of his boxers, taking a peek at his cock.

And fuck, is he packing a lot.

Jeno's cock is veiny and it pulses as Mark ogles at it. It's long and thick enough — it might be a bit longer than Mark's, he thinks. It's veiny, the tip red and shapely. His balls hang not too far from his cock, barely seen from the size that greeted him for a second's worth. The shaft has a curve that greets Mark with a twitch.

The boy turns to you as if to ask permission, to which he does: “May I please play with him?”

“Not yet,” you tilt your head. “A bit too eager now, aren’t we?”

“But he—we—” he loses the words in his throat. His finger leaves the hem of Jeno’s boxers, but the boy cups his hip in desperation.

"I only allowed you to help him pull it down." At that, Mark's face sours. He salivates at the picture of Jeno's cock. He had never thought of his friend that way, never really considered the invitation that was always there — for the sake of "being bros." But now that it's here, you delay him the opportunity; so close yet so far.

Mark’s fingers only leave Jeno’s boxers when the man looks at him with an obedient eye.

“Let him play with you first.” Your voice almost echoes through the room. Jeno nods as if he received a secret command, only understood by you and him. Was it the curl in your tone that caused him to act?

Either way, it shocks Mark slightly when Jeno's strong arms pull him by his shoulders. His hands then crawl both behind his head and then down to his hips, bringing the two bodies impossibly closer — Jeno seems unfazed as he pulls Mark's shirt off next. He's used to the sight of his toned body, but seeing his chest flush in both embarrassment and lust is a new sight that budges Jeno's mouth into a soft smile.

“Mark, I want you to relax and enjoy. Jeno’s really good and I want him to be good to you.”

His hands graze lightly down Mark's body. The boy's skin raises into bumps of a once-pale, now-flushed frenzy, his body hairs rising as the other's delicate fingertips trail down his exposed arms and sides. Mark's chest is heaving, unable to catch a break or a breath.

It's all worse when Jeno kisses him once more, taking advantage of his open mouth. His hands stay on Mark's chest, fingers looking for his nipples — he finds them quickly and prods at them with pressure so good that it makes Mark moan. You laugh as if you're right; your boyfriend's really good, and the boy you've been eyeing is taking it well.

However, you’re getting impatient, having this go for too long for you to be satisfied.

You take good use of both of your hands and pull down their boxers, each hand being careful yet swift as you fist the fabric out of their skin, watching their beautiful cocks bounce. This interrupts the kissing — they gasp in unison and it’s music to your ears.

Unfortunately, you don’t follow up with any more words, leaving them to look at you with wide eyes. All you do is giggle to yourself, pat the tips of their oversensitive and deliciously hard lengths, and silently command them to do something.

Jeno acts first: eyes darting down to Mark's impressive length, he slides his thick cock beside the other. Their shafts rub, making Mark bite his lip, but his mouth opens anyway as their reddish-pink tips kiss each other.

Their size differences are more apparent this way; Jeno's cock seems thicker, and Mark's is longer. Deep in hyper-analysis, you urge them once again to rub their cocks together with simultaneous handjobs.

The sudden reintroduction of their hands leaves Mark squirming next to Jeno. He instinctively holds onto his shoulders for support, an adorable sight that neither of you has ever seen nor expected from "the dependable Mark."

You're slow with it first. Your hand makes its way from the tips, thumbs prodding playfully at the tiny holes sitting atop, only for your fingers to form rings, wrapping each individual digit around gradually as your palms slide down their lengths. Once you've wrapped the pinky around, you're at the base of their cocks, teasing to cup their balls — but before they could even moan for more, you're sliding up again. After a few more strokes, the pace picking up with each full slide up and down, they hump your hands with your pace until you pull away.

“I can’t be doing all the work.”

Your words are intimidating. The two boys take it with confusion as they lock eyes for a moment, cocks twitching centimeters away from each other.

Out of pure desperation, Mark thrusts his hips upward, rubbing his cock well up against Jeno's. The friction leaves him breathless, sharp bursts of pleasure combing through his nerves. With their closeness, Jeno could only mirror his movement in response. He holds Mark by his face with one hand, reaching his other down to connect their tips in his palm. The gesture shocks them both, the distance closing into zero inches, crotches and groomed bush hair pressed together.

You catch wind of Jeno’s heavy breaths. “You’re panting, baby.”

He looks up at you through hooded eyes, head thrown slightly back in pleasure. “I’m excited.”

“Such a puppy.”

Mark looks back and forth between the both of you as you exchange hot words. The buildup of heat in his stomach goes further down to his crotch until Jeno could feel the warmth on his cock's leaking tip. Embarrassed, he wordlessly attempts to turn his head away, but your hands—slimy as they are—hold his chin in place. He seems excited too, Jeno thinks to himself.

You move your hand with Mark’s chin on it close to your boyfriend’s face, coercing Jeno to kiss him again. Their mouths quickly open, jutting their tongues out to greet each other as they practically hump each other with their cocks pressed close. Jeno breaks away from the kiss to breathe, resting his forehead on Mark’s — the eye contact that they share after doesn’t break, though.

It’s an intense stare that holds no hard feelings, only incredibly hard cocks rubbing together as they near their highs. Mark seems to chase it first, but before anything could happen, you cock your head to the side.

You slap Mark’s bulging cock with a fierce spank.

It hurts only lightly, only since you slapped it with less of a force and more of a flick of your hand, but it still stings. Mark almost falls over, only caught by Jeno’s strong and muscular arms.

“What was that for?” Tears well up in his eyes but he doesn’t sound upset at all. He just genuinely wants to ask why he was denied the high and you can hear nothing but desperation in his voice.

All you do, though, is laugh in response. Jeno looks at him with fond eyes too, except he knows he’s in trouble next: his cock also started leaking precum. You run the pad of your thumb atop his leaking hole, blocking the flow ever so slightly. You then guide your boyfriend’s cock back to Mark’s, but you hold their shafts together in place with your one stretched hand, precum mixing and all.

“We’ve barely even started and you’re both acting like this?” Your voice is sultry yet stern.

The two merely whimper and shy their faces away. Mark looks down at the scene and amusement hits him all at once. The sight of his body and Jeno’s, naked and sweaty and held together by a singular hand on their cocks, makes him shiver and bite his lip.

“Sorry,” Jeno utters first, “I-It just felt too good.”

A breeze bellows through the room and it leaves all three of you with your hair raised, but you don’t budge a single bit. You turn to Mark.

“I…” Mark starts to speak yet nothing of substance comes out.

“Excuses are nothing, I know you’re both desperate.” Your hand leaves their slimy cocks. You don’t hesitate as you bring a finger to your mouth, tasting their sins as they writhe before you in slight embarrassment.

“How about you both show me how much you want me?”

It’s not supposed to be as shocking as it is, but the realization hits them both incredibly late that you’re still fully clothed, mostly untouched, left to be their eye candy as they fondled each other earlier. Jeno and Mark’s gazes fall through your entire body in all directions as they plot how they could start pleasing you.

Even if they both clearly wanted you, they restrained themselves and took out their desires on each other. That’s very obedient and patient of them, you think, and you don’t think it’s wrong to enjoy the sight.

Jeno's grasp on Mark loosens and leaves as he inches towards you, sweat dripping and everything, closing his face in on yours to kiss your lips deeply. You two always do this, accustomed to each other's rushes of warmth and intimacy every single time you kiss, and so it feels natural as Jeno latches his mouth on your neck next. His hands, trembling slightly yet not at all unsure, make their way to trace up the outline of your sides until they find your breasts.

He breaks away from working on a neck hickey as he examines your chest, restrained by layers of clothing that he wants off. Instead of impatiently reaching over the fabric, he takes his time to lift it from under and urge you to move it over your head. Mark watches intently, almost studying the movements while he refrains from reaching down for his pulsating cock.

Dare he even touch himself to the sight as he may be punished by not just you, but also Jeno.

“Not gonna do anything?” Jeno faces Mark with a smirk.

Mark stammers as he finds his words to ask permission. “Dude—uhm, can I?”

You laugh at how his hands hesitate to touch you, eager to even get ahold of your bra but still too scared.

“Please?”

All you do is smile with a nod. Jeno gives him way, pointing at the hook of the bra.

He first grabs ahold of your breasts by holding the bra cups, only to slide his hands to the sides of the undergarment, tracing your upper body until he's made his way backward; his fingertips find the hooks, unclasping them with only a bit of struggle — he knows what he's doing, he just gets nervous as your boobs flow out of the loosened bra.

It takes him a moment to even acknowledge that the beautiful view of your boobs inches away from his chest is all his doing. Jeno lets out a light snort, swinging his arm over Mark's red shoulders. He's blushing all over, flustered to high heavens.

“She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”

“Damn right,” Mark agrees. “You’re fucking lucky, dude.”

Jeno pecks Mark’s heated cheek. “So don’t bring her in the next bets, yeah?”

The things that they say ring through your ears loudly. You’re living for Jeno’s protectiveness, Mark’s shocked expression, and the fact that they both proceed to work their way on your lower half.

They urge you out of your pants, the two men helping your legs out, kissing your skin as they expose themselves. You can't help but chuckle, moan a little bit, and even grab onto their skilled yet calloused hands. The two are unexpectedly gentle, working surprisingly in tandem to even just get you out of your clothes, all until you're naked.

All until they’re yours.

Jeno ends up kneeling down in front of you like a patient dog. Mark stands by your side, waiting.

As adorable as they are, you’re growing desperate for some more action, so you grab ahold of Mark’s cock and whisper in his ear.

“Be a dear and tell my baby to kiss me there.”

Mark gulps, tongue caught in a twist as he musters the courage to relay it to Jeno.

“Uhh, sh-she said…lick—no, kiss her.”

Jeno looks up at you in confirmation. You pet his head with your other hand. There are hearts in his eyes.

Without another word, Jeno doesn’t waste a second as he dives his head down.

Fiddling between your legs, he holds you by the backs of your inner thighs and does as he’s told. He nudges his nose around the area to get himself closer and closer to your heat. He kisses you, puckering his lips and smacking your clit ever so sweetly. He gets a light taste of your sweetness dripping wild from watching the two men act desperately earlier. You hum in content, stroking Mark's cock—still in your hand—ever so slightly.

Mark dips his head onto your neck. He attempts to kiss you in the same way Jeno does, warm and loving. Jeno himself digs his head further between your thighs, licking wide stripes with his tongue tapering up to the tip as he gets back on your clit. You shiver with a lustful smile.

Jeno continues to swirl his tongue from your clit back down to your entrance, allowing your slick to mix in with his drool. Mark refuses to even look you in the eye from all of the sinful sounds he’s hearing — you remedy that by pecking a kiss on his cheek mole.

“If you weren’t so cute, you’d be dead by now.”

Mark’s cock stiffens at that. It throbs, a long vein pulsing against your palm from your words alone. A part of him hates to admit that he’s glad he took up the bet if it led him here.

You grab a fistful of your boyfriend’s hair out of nowhere, pulling slightly at his scalp to signal him up. He misreads this at first, instead nodding his head back into your cunt, but you let out a light grunt and a hiss.

“Mmph—Sorry,” Jeno says, hands wobbling awkwardly at the backs of your thighs for support. “Needed me, baby?”

You raise an eyebrow. “I wanted you to only kiss me there, but…”

Jeno dips his head to apologize. He mutters on and on about how good you tasted, how sweet it felt, how lovely and velvety the skin around your clit was while he licked it. Mark’s face heats up impossibly more at the descriptions and subtle praises that Jeno has for your pussy.

“Oh, look who’s the jealous one now.”

Mark’s sweating bullets. “I-I’m not!”

“You can have a turn at it if you’d like.” The suggestion runs off your lips casually. So casual that it leaves him slightly puzzled, cock still aching in your hand.

“How about only ten seconds in my cunt?”

He blinks three times. You’re all down to absurd means of getting each other off and you’re about to fully abandon the circumstances that got you here. That got the both of them here.

He whips his head towards your boyfriend for approval, and Jeno only nods his head in your direction. "Her orders, man."

You laugh and kiss Mark, urging him down on the bed behind him. You push him by his shoulders and the look on his face, wide eyes and all, has you smirking.

“Ten seconds. Just to try it.”

You align your slit to match his red, slimy tip, sliding your cunt from your clit down to your wet entrance. You don’t let him in just yet, instead teasing him with a few slides, letting him feel the velvety friction of your pussy lips before he gets a taste of everything else.

“That feels good,” he breathes out.

“It’s not even in yet.”

“I’m just feeling as much as I can,” Mark smiles nervously. “I only got ten seconds after this—”

Before he could even get cocky, you fully sit down on his cock, slamming your cunt until he’s all the way inside.

He shivers, hitting his head back on the bed in pure pleasure. The wetness of your walls envelops him with a warmth he hasn’t felt anywhere else. Slowly yet surely, he begins to lose his mind to delirium as his cock throbs, almost vibrating inside you.

“Ten,” Jeno counts for you, watching the part where you both connect as he sits politely next to you both.

He refuses to touch himself even as he watches you lift your lower half away from Mark, the slick of your essence and leftover drool from Jeno slipping down the cock.

“Nine,” he continues, breath hitching as you wiggle your hips.

At this point, only Mark's tip is inside you, but before he can even do anything, you slam your hips back down. The smack of your ass on his thighs makes him groan loudly, the sweetness of his voice echoing in your ears.

“Eight.” You repeat your motions, swirling your hips slightly and letting the wetness drip ever so gracefully down your thighs onto his. “Seven.”

Mark rolls his eyes back. His balls hurt at this point. He’s strained and frustrated.

He turns his head. “Holy shit, Jeno, I’ll cum—”

“Hold it, easy now.” Unimpressed, Jeno instead leans forward to talk him down.

“Five,” he whispers, “four…”

All Mark can do is whimper through a bitten lip. Your hands roam around his chest for support, the unforgiving sensations haunting his skin as you touch his most sensitive areas.

“Three…”

Mark hisses. “Won’t you count any fucking slower?”

“Oh, you want me to cut it out?” You say with a stop.

Regret immediately washes over his wide eyes as you lift yourself off his dick.

“So close yet so far. What a pity,” you laugh, turning to your sweet boyfriend and feeling him up instead.

You maneuver your hips and align yourself over Jeno’s cock, teasing him the same way you did with Mark. You don’t enter yet and keep your wetness dripping on him before giving the neglected boy a wink.

“I didn’t say you couldn’t try my ass.”

A shock instantly rushes through his veins, coloring his skin flushed once more. He's been sweating, and it worsened once you suggested it. He tries to say anything about it but falls short of words when you urge him closer with the call of your fingers. Jeno watches in awe, lightly frustrated that his cock is so close to your cunt.

You grab Mark from the back, guiding his hips close to yours. He’s kneeling, holding onto your waist and hips for stability, ready to position his cock by your second entrance. He licks his hand, a generous amount of spit and drool wetting it, just more than enough for him to lube up your hole to take him.

Jeno’s cock throbs cutely from under, so you coo and kiss his tip with the warmth of your clit. He bites back a whimper.

It isn’t long before you invite Mark to enter you, lining up and guiding his cock inside, slowly stretching your tightest hole until the tip is in. Mark’s breathing heavily, sweating buckets as he feels how tight it is, hugging just the tip so hard that he could explode at any given moment.

You push your lower half back, adjusting to his girth and length, taking him inch by inch. You’re panting too, strained little moans escaping your throat as you struggle and succeed to take him all the way to the middle.

Once you’re nearly bottoming him out, you both still in place, allowing yourselves time to adjust.

Jeno still looks pitiful with his cock pushed against nothing but your clit. It only gives you an idea.

“Mark. Be a dear and fuck me hard when we’re good, yeah?”

Confused, he agrees with a nod. You both signal each other when it feels best to move, and with that, Mark fully pulls back before slamming his entire length back into your fit little ass.

The force from his thrust pushes you forward, sinking Jeno’s cock deep into your pussy.

The sudden action leaves Jeno groaning and Mark grunting. Both of their cocks fill you up with no room to breathe, the sensation of the two pulsating and hard lengths making you shake. You feel yourself close but you hold back for their sake.

Another thrust from Mark sends your cunt further down on Jeno’s cock. Your boyfriend even begins moving his hips, emptying your pussy only to fill it back up again. The other doesn’t stop, almost losing himself as he goes faster and faster, bit by bit, ecstasy hitting him soon.

“Mark, baby, you’re doing so good.”

Eyes lighting up, it takes five seconds—and a few moans in between—for Mark to realize that he’s the baby that you’re referring to.

Jeno also catches it late, but instead of the jealousy seeping back into his veins, the opposite manifests. He smiles, somehow proud of Mark for sharing a name that they both earned from you.

“Baby, come on, make me cum.”

You lean back, an arm thrown over to hold onto Mark for support. He keeps going, pushing his cock against your limit with each thrust, all the while Jeno leans forward to reach your clit and tease it.

Being filled and fucked all at once like this has all three of you on edge, but Mark can’t take it — he slips out of your ass and cums all over your back.

You don’t mind, instead falling forward to bounce on Jeno’s cock while he cums inside you next. That doesn’t stop him from flicking your clit with his experienced fingers, and you squirt all over him.

All three of you collapse on the bed, trying to overcome your highs.

“…That was fucking insane, man.”

Mark is the first to sit up, eyeing the both of you fucked out on his own bed. He has to clean up a lot, so much that it’s lightly embarrassing, but none of you seem to mind at all at that moment.

“Yo Jeno.”

Too tired to move his body, he simply raises an eyebrow while looking back at Mark. “What’s up?”

"I swear on my dick I'm not playing with you and Y/N, aight?" He scratches the back of his head, suddenly getting shy. "And, uh, I'm still sorry for the bet."

“Nah, it’s good. Just say you won, get the money, and run.”

Mark realizes that it could’ve just been that easy, that he didn’t have to do any of that. It’s way too late now, but at least he won and got laid.

“...And you can treat us to dinner with that cash,” Jeno adds with a wink.

The boy simply rubs his flushed face in his hands and sighs. Dinner with his newfound fuckmates isn’t so bad after all.

“Well, you’re free to shower, clean up, sleep, do whatever—”

You grab ahold of Mark’s arm and pull him back on the bed. He falls right between you and Jeno’s warm bodies.

Jeno shushes him with a side hug, and you giggle softly. Somehow none of this feels as disgusting as it should be while all three of you are in each other’s arms.

[luvyeni]

JAEMIN AND BUNNY READER???????

DUMB BUNNY , SLY FOX; NA JAEMIN

pairings. foxhybrid!jaemin x bunnyhybrid!reader

wc. 2.7k

warnings. oral (m.receiving), unprotected sex, breeding kink, scenting, mentions of marking, name calling (dumb bunny, cumslut, slut)

enjoy <3 ! also i know his representative animal is a bunny , pretend he's a fox ...

everyone knew jaemin was a real sly fox , of course you'd fall for his resisting charms.

—

na jaemin was such a cunning fox , at least that was what all the other girls in your university said. you've never actually held a conversation with him , you anxiety was too high to even come close to the fox hybrid , let alone have a conversation with him , you however were pretty close with his friends , a hamster hybrid named jisung , and a bichon dog hybrid named chenle. you aren't sure how those three became friends — breeds like you guys , the prey hybrids , normally stayed to yourselves , never to mingle with the predator hybrids , like jaemin.

"you guys coming over tonight?" you , chenle and jisung sat at the lunch table outside. "i told you we can't , jaemin is throwing a party , and hyuck is forcing everyone to show up." donghyuck , a bear hybrid , although he could be considered as a predator breed , he was harmless , well to you of course. "you guys don't even enjoy those parties , why go?" you pouted , you were excited to watch the film you'd been dying to watch. "because he's holding his ps5 hostage , and he won't give it back unless he shows up." chenle said. "and jisung is forcing me." the younger boy grumbled , still pissed off.

"and if he doesn't give it back i'm gonna- gonna what." hyuck sat down at the table. "what are you gonna do little mouse." jisung glared at the older boy. "im not a mouse , im a a hamster." he corrected. "same thing." jisung was about to correct him again , when jeno , a friendly samoyed hybrid spoke up. "just ignore him , he's just bitter that the girl he liked said no to going out with him , but said yes to coming to jaemin's party." the bear whined. "he's cock blocking me."

"is it really cock blocking when she never really wanted you in the first place?" you asked , making the dog next to you laugh. "she has a point." he scoffed. "well what does she know , she's just a bunny." you rolled your eyes. "i'm a bunny not dumb." your ears twitched. "and she does have a point." jaemin walked over , his scent immediately filling your sensitive nostrils. "i can't cock block you if she never wanted to fuck you in the first place." everyone laughed at the boy. "fuck all of you." he scoffed , pouting to himself.

jaemin sat down next to you , eyeing your figure up and down. you felt his stare , shying away from him , eyes in your lap. "you're not gonna look at me." he said , his voice husky. "i mean you are staring into her soul , i'd be a bit freaked out too." chenle said , the fox did nothing but smirk. "are you scared little bunny , am i scaring you?" he could smell the fear dripping off of you , and it was such a turn on. "no-no , im fine." you curse at yourself for stuttering.

"good , don't want to scare a pretty little thing like you away." your face heats up at the compliment. "stay away from her you sly fox , she doesn't need negativity in her life." chenle said. "calm down puppy , i just wanted to ask her if she's coming to my party — you are coming right?" you wanted to say no , you had so much studying to do , plus the smells always heightened your senses — but with the way he was looking at you , it was almost like he was controlling you to say yes , so you did.

"really? you're going to his party?" jisung said , he knew you despised parties , so this was new. "yeah." you said. "is that a problem?" jaemin turn to the hamster. "no , i guess not." he shrugged. "good." he turned back to you. "i guess i'll see you later little bunny." you nodded , the nickname definitely sent shivers down your spine. he got up , smiling down at you being taking his leave along with haechan and jeno.

"it doesn't take much to get you going does it?" chenle shook his head. "just a few stares , and a pretty smile , and you're ready to bare his children." his wasn't wrong , jaemin did have you feeling some sort of way. "don't be so dramatic." you replied. "i've asked you 3 times to come party with me and jisung , and you've denied all 3 times claiming your nose would be too sensitive, but god forbid jaemin asks , and you automatically say yes." you rolled your eyes , nose twitching. "it might be fun." you say.

"just be careful." jisung spoke up. "i know you've heard the rumors about him." of course you have, jaemin was known around the school , he loved to to prey on smaller girl hybrids , and then ghost them after getting what he wanted. "he's also know to be extremely rough in bed , like hana from my business class told me there is this look in his eye when he- okay we don't need to hear the rest." jisung interrupted. "just be careful y/n , you know how fox hybrids are." you nodded. "i will , i promise."

you thought about what jisung said , while getting ready for the party. there was no reason you should have to be that careful , i mean it wasn't like you knew jaemin that well , he wouldn't actually try and hook up with you? right? you could only think about it , you remember overhearing a conversation between two of your classmates. "he is huge , like i could barely walk the next morning." "you're kidding?" "no , i had to call out of class the next morning." "no way."

you pushed your thighs together , was he really big? how would he feel inside you? would he be rough. "that's enough!" you told yourself , your underwear already becoming wet at thought. "he probably was just messing around , you probably won't even encounter him tonight." you told yourself , finishing getting ready. chenle and jisung let themselves in , waiting for you in your living room.

"i'm ready." you slipped on your heels , spinning. "how do i look?" you asked , you really wished you shouldn't have. "like you're ready to be fucked by jaemin." chenle said. "i'm not asking you , what do think sungie?" he nodded. "you look good , now lets go so i can get my ps5 back." you scoffed , "why am i friends with you two." you grabbed your purse. "because who else would befriend a bunny?" chenle pushed you out the door.

you guys pulled up to the party , after about 5 minutes you finally found a good parking spot , getting out the car and making your way to the house. "the music is so loud." your sensitive ears twitch , your nostrils flooded with the scent of different bodily fuilds, weed and alcohol. "the smells here are awful." you scrunched your face up , the three of you made your way through the house. "you wanted to come , now deal with it."

you guys finally mad it to the kitchen , where you were greeted by renjun another fox hybrid , be was much more calmer than jaemin , and mark , another bunny hybrid like you. "y/n , they finally got you out of the house." mark pulled you into a friendly hug. "it wasn't us." chenle said. "it was jaemin." renjun turned to you. "since when did you know jaemin , you barely speak to me , let alone any other prey hybrids." you shrugged , not wanting to talk about it. "you know jaemin man , he has his way." mark said.

"let's get you three a drink." mark took you guys to the alcohol. "what do you guys want?" you looked around. "not too much little bunny." his husky voice filled your ears. "don't want you to get too crazy , especially with all these predator hybrids around." his scent wrapping around you like a hug. "look it's the man of the hour , where have you been." mark said. "probably fucking his third cat hybrid of the night." renjun sipped on his drink. "no i wasn't." he said , looking you directly in the eyes. "i was waiting for someone important to show up." your face once again heated up , was he talking about you?

"w-who?" jaemin smirked , you were so cute. your big round eyes , the way you looked up at him , ears constantly twitching in nervousness. and that dress — god that dress , he just wanted to rip it off , he wondered if your bushy little tail was sensitive , he knew bunny hybrids were sometimes really sensitive , maybe he could get you cum just by pulling- "jaemin." he quickly snapped out out if it , clearing his throat. "you alright bro , you spaced out?" mark said. "i'm fine , how about you guys go enjoy the party , y/n you want to stay here with me , i'll make you another drink?" you were speechless , earlier today you hardly knew jaemin , now he's asking you to stay with him.

"y/n ?" jisung said. "i'll be fine." you smiled. "yeah , sung don't worry , i'll take good of her." your body shivered , as he grabbed your shoulder. "haechan is over there , if you're wondering , your game is upstairs in his room." jisung got the hint. "i bet you he's played it , i'm gonna kill him, y/n if you need me call me." he quickly walked away. "well im not about to sit here and watch you two eye fuck all night , mark let's go." chenle pulled the boy away , renjun not even bothering to say anything , just walking away , leaving you all alone with the fox.

"you look really good." he poured you a drink. "take a sip." he put it to your lips. "drink it." you opened your mouth , letting the liquid flow down your throat. "good little bunny." you felt your panties getting even wetter. "th-thank you." not sure what you were even thanking him for. "did you get all pretty for me?" he took a sip of the drink , you bit your lip , nodding shyly. "don't act so shy now little bunny , you wanted my attention now you have it." he was now up on you , his pelvis pressed against your backside.

he dipped his head into your neck , you sweet scent making him want more , he wanted to ruin you , make you only want him , to only think of him. "you smell so fucking good little bunny." his sharp teeth grazing the vein of your neck. "i could just eat you up." now that should have made you scared seeing as he was a natrual born predator. but you could not help the gush of arousal that flooded your panties , or your fuzzy white tail twitching. "i can smell you little bunny , i know you want me." he whispered in your ear.

"can you feel how much i want you?" you bit your lip , trying not to whimper in the middle of his kitchen , in front of all these people , while he basically dry humped you , and he didn't feel small at all and he wasn't he fully hard. "don't you want to feel it inside you , come on let's go upstairs." he sat the drink down , grabbing your hand , you followed him , all the way up to his room.

"i've been waiting for this all day since i saw you , i knew i needed to have you." you guys barely made it to his room , before he started undressing you. "i could fucking smell you this afternoon at the lunch table , i wanted to sink my teeth into you right then and there." he purred , touching your tail , your whimpered , your tail twitching. "i knew it was sensitive , cute little tail."

"yo-you really are a sly fox." he laugh was deep , he kissed your neck , letting your dress fall to the ground. "am i , or are you just dumb little bunny who wanted to be fucked." you moaned. "oh?" he quirked his eyebrow. "you like that , being called a dumb little bunny who needs to be filled with a cock." he looked into your big eyes , the way they were glazed over. "you're so gone bunny." it was almost laughable at how quick he could get you like this.

"i don't give for free , you gotta do something for me." he took his pants off , sitting down on his bed. "get on your knees little bunny , crawl to me." you obey , sinking down on all fours , crawling to him. he watched you with low eyes , fishing his cock out , jerking himself off. he was huge , your mouth was salivating at the thought. "look at you , look how brightly your eyes lit up at my cock , come on my dumb little bunny , wrap your little hands around my cock."

you wrapped your hands around him , your hands barely touched as you jerked him off. "fu-fuck your little hands can barely jerk me off , lets see how much you can take in your mouth , put it in." he groaned , your relaxed your jaw before taking him , trying to fit as much as you could before you began to gag. "mmh~ fuck , little bunny i know you can take more , relax that throat." he coached you through , and slowly began to take him all the way. "i knew you could do it , my dumb little bunny just needed someone to teach her how to take cock." you gagged and gurgled around his cock , that didn't stop him though , he just pushed your head down. "oh fuck , fuck im gonna cum little bunny , gonna take it for me , be a good little cumslut." you moaned around his length , nodding. "sh-shit , take it , take my cum." your nose twitched against his pelvis , as his cum flooded your mouth , some of it dripping out. "fu-fuck such a mess." he lightly slapped your cheeks.

"messy bunny." he wiped your lips , pushing the cum past your lips. "come on be a good bunny , and sit on my cock." he sat back against the headboard , allowing you crawl on the bed , into his lap. "look at you so ready to ride my cock , go a head , sit on it." he slapped your ass , you yelped. "j-jaemin." you hovered above his cock , letting him stretch you out , as you slowly worked yourself on him. "b-big." you moaned , he bit his lip , your pussy was choking his cock , he's been with many girls , but none of them had him about to cum prematurely.

"sh-shit little bunny you better start fucking moving , before i take over and really spilt you open." he growled , grabbing your throat. "move." you tried to go faster , but your legs were burning just by you taking him. "i-i can't." you moaned , clenching around him , setting something off inside him. "such a dumb little bunny , can't do a simple thing right, gotta have someone do it for you." he planted his feet , fucking up into you. "oh my god!" you screamed.

he showed now mercy as he roughly hit your cervix, like he completely forgot about his party going on downstairs , the only thing on his mind was filling you up with his cum , his need to breed you , turn you into his braindead slut was strong. "j-jaemin too much." he laughed , straight up laughed in your face. "too much? dumb little bunny can't take my cock." he hit that spongy spot , that made your eyes roll back.

"that's it bunny , no need to think , i'll do that for you , just take my cock" he pulled at your tail. "wa-wait , m'gonna cum if you do that." you whined , he ignored your warning , repeating his actions. "i want you to , i want you to cum , let everyone here know who's making you feel like this." on his command you came , your cunt spasming around him.

"fuck , such a slut , letting a bad fox like me fuck you , gonna let me breed you little bunny , fill your pussy with my cum." he bounced you on his cock , chasing his orgasm. "pl-please , i want it." you moaned , he thrusted up into , his warm seed filling your waiting womb. "sh-shit." he pressed his nose against your neck. "sh-shit if you don't get off im gonna mark you right here." you clenched around him. "fuck little bunny , you really want me to fuck you dumb." he chuckled. "we have to go back to the party." he held you in his lap.

"i don't care about that party , i need to fill you up again , make sure my scent stays on you for days."

[ghostofhyuck]

NCT Dream when their gf is a football player. 

AN: Idk what kind of football sport is this, so i just chose the football that's also soccer. (Since I am more familiar with soccer rather than american football.)

Mark Lee

He's your number one supporter of course. <3 he got to make sure that you have everything; spare clothes, water, and energy drink. He has to buy extra if he has to! He watches your games and is even there at your practice. People would think that he's the coach because he's like, sitting on the second bleachers and will be so LOUD whenever your team goals. He's not only supportive of you, but he's also supportive of the whole team!

Huang Renjun

Renjun would be the type of boyfriend who watches every game of yours. LIKE he doesn't miss a single one, and he doesn't care if the venue will be far, he'll commute for hours just to be there! He has to make sure that you know that he's there to watch your game. Probably wears your university jacket with your name and number on the back. He's a silent supporter who watches you from afar because he doesn't want you to get distracted!

Lee Jeno

Oh to have an athletic boyfriend. <3 I feel like Jeno's great at playing football, so he sometimes he accompanies you whenever you need to practice more, or on your spare time, you two would play football at a community park! Football dates are a must, and he takes good care of your well-being and health too. Aside from that, you two would often go to gym to do exercise or maybe go out for a run around the university field. 

Lee Donghyuck

Oh whenever Haechan's there, your cheering team should pack up now. He's just a VERY supportive boyfriend, and a very LOUD one too. Like you can really hear his voice even when you're on the field. No one bans him from your games lmao and that's because his cheering doesn't really distract you. Of course, after the game his voice becomes hoarse, so you have to treat him throat medicine or else you wouldn't have your cheerleader every game. 

Na Jaemin

This sweet pumpkin is a very supportive and patient boyfriend. He's not much of a fan of football but I can see him always there during your practice. He'll be sitting on the bleachers, probably doing his homework or just observing your practice. He'll be quiet until the end of your practice. He has drinks and towel prepared for you, telling you 'good job' or 'you did great there!' even stealing kisses on you whenever your coach isn't looking!

Zhong Chenle

I believe in basketball athlete! Chenle supremacy that's why you two are a very famous athlete couple in your uni! He's the captain of the basketball team while you're the captain of the football team! Whenever you have a game, he's there to watch you, and so do you during his games! Students would gush if they see you two together inside the uni, especially when you two are jogging around the field! Power couple me thinks. 

Park Jisung

Jisung thinks that you're so cool because you're a football player! He watches your games and would pass by the field just to see you practice. I feel like he wanted to be more invested in your sports, so he wanted to learn football too! You two would go to the community park every Sunday so that you can teach him how to play football. He's a bit clumsy but practice makes perfect. Also you find it sweet that he's interested in football that he is learning it because of you. 

[cloudbersoo]

would you mind?｜zhang hao

synopsis: how to get over a guy you didn’t even date in ten easy steps with the help of zhang hao.

tags: zhang hao x gn!reader, acquaintances to lovers, university au, fluff, slight angst, y/n likes someone else at the beginning, y/n is very drunk, making out when drunk, shy!hao, bestie!matthew has no filter, roommate!taerae, hanbin keeps laughing, what did jiwoong do though? y/n overthinks a little sometimes, mentions of sex and implied sex but no explicit smut! (im a minor and can’t write smut for the life of me)

word count: 6k (how did this get so long?)

a/n: this is my first fic in like six years and the first in english altogether! idk how to feel about this one but i thought to post it anyway. writing this honestly made me respect fanfic writers so much more, it really isn’t easy! this took me like five days to make. not sure how often i’ll be doing this but i enjoyed writing a lot. sorry for any grammar errors or such, i proofread this a couple of times, but my english isn’t perfect, so some mistakes might go past me. anyway, thanks and sorry! enjoy reading!

my playlist while writing: in bloom & new kidz on the block by zb1, cream soda & private party by exo, roller coaster & party o’clock by nmixx !!

i. drink your feelings away

“finally you’re here” matthew mumbled in his slightly drunken stage, leaning onto a wall as you closed the door behind you. you could hear the music and people’s chatter coming from the living room. the smell of alcohol was also very strong, especially on your friend. you wished you could just turn back and go home. you were way too miserable to party right now but the sweet smile matthew was giving you was making you stay. you couldn’t possibly disappoint your best friend on his special day.

“yeah, sorry for being late” you finally answered to the birthday boy as you handed out your gift with a forced smile. “happy birthday matt.” 

he took the bottle of wine and chuckled. “thank you y/n” he said, looking at the bottle of his favourite. “for this and for coming tonight” he continued as he raised his gaze to you apologetically. 

“of course” you uttered, trying your best to convince your friend you wanted to be here, as if you didn’t just think about leaving two seconds ago. your convincing didn’t seem to be working as matthew sighed. matthew put down the bottle and walked in front of you. he examined your face for a while before he embraced you in a hug. “he didn’t deserve you anyway” he whispered close to your ear.

right.

jaemin.

the guy who broke your heart just a few days ago. he didn’t mean to, you suppose. he just didn’t realise you were totally in love with him when he introduced you to his partner of three years. how stupid could you be?

you held your tiers in at the mention of him. not today. you can cry about it later. 

you embraced your friend for a while as you collected yourself. “you know what matt?” You finally spoke as you made eye contact with him. matthew hummed, looking at you with anticipation. 

“i’m going to have fun tonight.”

ii. embarrass yourself

about five bottles of soju and a couple beers later you were completely out of it. you were somewhere in matthew’s apartment, kitchen or living room, you were not entirely sure. laying on the cold floor with zero thoughts of your shattered heart. you felt at peace. your peace, however, didn’t last long as it was eventually broken by a familiar voice calling your name. 

“y/n? you okay down there?” the voice asked with amusement. you opened your eyes and were met with hanbin’s gaze from above you. he must have found your state hilarious as he bursted out laughing. 

you got up from the floor with difficulty and flopped next to him on the couch. “never been better” you mumbled to your friend with a relaxed smile. you started making yourself comfortable and leaned your head on hanbin’s shoulder. what you failed to notice in your drunken state was the other person sitting on the couch. the one you were currently cuddling up to.

“hao” your friend started. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen y/n so wasted” hanbin laughed with tears in his eyes. 

what. 

suddenly, you were too aware of your surroundings, like there was no alcohol in your system anymore. you quickly got up and saw that hanbin was not in fact the person you had leaned into. the person sitting next to you was hanbin’s good friend, zhang hao. the boy’s face flushed as he looked at your shocked face.

oh my god.

you were not that familiar with zhang hao. you knew he was good friends with hanbin and matthew. he was from the music department just like your roommate taerae, and you were pretty sure he played the violin. he was reserved and quiet, and definitely not the most fond of you (even though your friends have tried to convince you otherwise). a friend of a friend. that’s what he was. not someone who you could comfortably cuddle with. this is so embarrassing.

“i’m so sorry!” you quickly blurted out as you hid your face behind your palms. you could still hear hanbin’s laugh as you were thinking about your way out of the situation. 

“it’s o-okay” zhang hao managed to stutter. you were in too deep thought to hear what the boy in front of you was saying. you searched for your other friend in the crowd. it’s time for me to leave. as you found matthew by the balcony with a girl, you turned back to the men on the couch. “i’m just gonna go!” you quickly said to prevent any more embarrassment and made your way to your best friend.

he saw you coming from afar and smirked at you. “you’ve definitely enjoyed yourself” matthew said delightfully. oh. he definitely saw everything.

“you saw nothing” you bit back and leaned onto your friend as the alcohol started to kick back in again. “i’m going home” you continued. could you even walk straight? no. but you could just call your roommate to meet you halfway.

“in this state? no you’re not” the boy slurred just as drunk as you were. he wrapped his arm around your shoulder in an attempt to keep you from leaving. you were glad your friend cared about your safety even when he was drunk. his company, however, was not enjoying the sight in front of her and you could tell you had interrupted something. 

“i’ll call taerae to pick me up, don’t worry.” you assured your friend. “i’ll leave you two alone now.” you gave a smile to the girl and mouthed “sorry” as you left the two before matthew could protest any further.

iii. make a foolish choice

walking down four sets of stairs with your hands occupied by your phone was a challenge. you somehow made it though and were trying to contact your roommate. he was not answering. where is he? your apartment wasn’t that far from matthew’s but the darkness was creeping you out a little. you sent a quick text to taerae, saying you were coming home before you started your journey. 

you had made it past a couple turns when you started feeling like someone was following you. you’re just being paranoid, that's all. but the feeling only grew stronger as you clearly heard footsteps behind you. you were already walking as fast as you could in your state. is this the end?  “i’m gonna die-”

“y/n,” you quickly turned around to the familiar voice. 

zhang hao.

“oh it’s just you” you said as you relaxed until it hit you. zhang hao. the reason why you had run away from the party in the first place. your surprise finally showed on your face, which zhang hao found amusing. 

"sorry if I scared you” he let out an airy laugh while awkwardly standing in front of you. for some reason you had never really looked at the boy. he was tall and his hair was still styled nicely even after a long day. he was wearing a light blue button up shirt with black jeans that seemed way out of your price range. there was something about the way he was looking at you under the glow of the streetlights. he was looking at you with stars in his eyes, like there was no one else but the two of you in the world. the sight of him almost made your heart skip a beat. he had a few moles on his face, one right under his eye and another on his cheek that you wish you could kiss right now. has he always been this pretty? 

no. why is he here? 

he tried to give you a reassuring smile as he took a step closer. “you shouldn’t walk alone at this hour, it’s not safe for you.” he continued like he had just read your mind.

“so you think I'm safe with you?” you asked, slightly teasing. it was definitely the alcohol speaking.

the boy’s eyes widened in shock and he opened his mouth to say something but failed. “well- I mean” zhang hao finally responded with panic, not quite sure what he was supposed to say. you couldn’t hold your giggles which seemed to ease his nerves. his figure seemed to relax as he walked past you. “my apartment isn’t that far from yours, so we can just walk together. it’s safer for both of us.” zhang hao finished. 

lies. you’ve once picked hanbin up from his apartment and it's nowhere near yours. however, zhang hao didn’t need to know that you knew. you wouldn’t mind walking home with him even if the two of you weren’t that close, because he was right – this was safer (not because he suddenly made you think of things you haven't before).

so, the two of you continued walking towards your place. zhang hao didn’t say much as you walked, only telling you to be more careful as you almost stumbled to the ground. he also decided to hold you up from your waist from that point on – which you definitely didn’t mind. he didn’t seem to mind either as there was no signs of annoyance that you would’ve except from zhang hao in this situation.  

“we’re here” he said as the two of you stood in front of your apartment building. you really didn’t want him to go. you really didn’t want to be alone at all. because you knew the moment you were alone again you’d break down again and cry about the guy who broke your heart. just for this one night, you wished not to cry yourself to sleep. maybe it was foolish of you to ask zhang hao of all people to comfort you, but right now you couldn’t think of anything else. 

“would you like to come in?”

“do you need help to get to your door?”

you both had talked at the same time. you broke eye contact as the two of you chuckled. so he didn’t want to leave yet either? as it got quiet again you decided to look at the boy again. zhang hao seemed hesitant as he studied your face. then he smiled at you as he said “if that’s what you need.”

iv. get cockbocked by a roommate

some might find the silence between you and zhang hao awkward, but you found it soothing. he was drinking the water you had given him as you sat on the kitchen counter. he looked even more handsome up close. the way he was leaning onto the counter and the way he was looking at you. oh, how much you wished to make him yours tonight. would he mind? 

your mind stopped wandering as the boy put down his glass on the sink. “i should probably go and let you sleep” he said quietly as he stood in front of you. he was incredibly close to you, his hand on your knee, his nose almost touching yours – like he didn’t want to leave. you couldn’t help but lower your gaze to his lips. they were pink and puffy, slightly wet like they were waiting to be kissed. you looked back to zhang hao’s eyes but they didn’t meet yours. he was doing the same thing – staring at your lips. 

maybe you were going to regret it. maybe this wasn’t right, kissing your friends’ friend. but you couldn’t possibly think about any of that as you leaned in. 

his lips felt as soft as they looked. it took a moment for zhang hao to realise what was happening but eventually he kissed you back. his left hand landed on your cheek as his right hand went up your thigh. the kiss deepened as you put your hands around the boy's neck, pulling him closer to you. you don’t remember the last time you have been kissed like this. he was driving you insane and you wished he’d never stop. 

“y/n?” you hear a voice say at the door. 

taerae.

you and zhang hao froze before you rapidly let go of each other. sleepy taerae rubbed his eyes walking into the kitchen as you tried to calm your beating heart. so he didn’t answer because he was asleep. you took a look at zhang hao who’s blush was prominent even in the dark. “when did you get home?” your roommate asked as he yawned.

“zhang hao walked me, i was just giving him some water before he left.” you blurted out an excuse, which wasn’t inherently a lie – taerae didn’t need to know what happened after that. your sleepy roommate didn’t look suspicious and seemed to buy it. “he was actually just about to leave.” you took another look at zhang hao, trying to get him to say something. 

“yeah, i’ll just get going then.” he said, bid taerae goodbye, and was out of the apartment in mere minutes. 

fuck.

v. overthink your life choices

lunch used to be your favourite time of the day, mostly because you used to share it with jaemin all the time. matthew barely ever had time to eat lunch with you, which is how you got to know jaemin in the first place. the two of you clicked instantly and you thought there was something between you. how wrong you were. the past week you have been distancing yourself from jaemin and he hasn't been asking after you. you really meant nothing to him in the end. even now he’s just a few tables away loudly debating about something with his group of friends, completely unaware of the effect he has had on you.

taerae’s giggles seem to wake you from your slumber. you moved your gaze from jaemin to your roommate. he was laughing over a video hanbin had just shown him. “what is jiwoong doing?” he managed to say between giggles. 

“speaking of the devil” hanbin said as he waved past your shoulder. jiwoong walked to your table with zhang hao next to him, which was odd as the two of you’ve had a similar relationship with the chinese boy up until a few days ago (unless jiwoong had also been making out with him recently). “what did i do?” jiwoong questioned his friends as he placed his lunch on the table.

“nothing, nothing. where’s matthew?” hanbin said as he hid his phone with a grin.

“he’s on a date” you said nonchalantly. everyone at the table suddenly turned their heads towards you. they had totally forgotten you were even there as you had spent most of your break staring at a certain someone. you should get your shit together.

“oh right, zhang hao! thanks for walking y/n home the other night.” taerae said as zhang hao sat next to hanbin. well shit. you hadn’t told anyone of what had happened with zhang hao after matthew’s party. you hadn’t even talked to zhang hao since then. you felt awful that you had tried to use him to forget about someone else, and then kicked him out as your roommate found the two of you. you weren’t sure how you were supposed to even bring it up to him when you were never alone with him anyway. 

“you walked her home?” hanbin questioned as he turned his head to his left where zhang hao was sitting. the boy only gave his friend a small nod as he dug into his food. his aura seemed so different in the daylight. his hair wasn’t styled like at the party, it was a bit all over the place. the way he stuffed his mouth full of food made him look cute. his cheeks were slightly pink with blush. while observing the boy, you had completely missed the teasing smile on hanbin’s face.

how were you supposed to talk to him? thanks for walking me home and making out with me in my kitchen. does he even want to talk about it? the two of you had seen each other around campus a couple times since then and he hasn't tried to talk to you once. maybe all of it was just a spur of the moment thing for him that he now wished to forget about.

you sighed as you decided it was your time to leave for class. there was no way you were going to talk to zhang hao now anyway, not in front of all your friends. “my lecture is starting soon, i’ll go now.” you said as you stood up. taking your things with you and hearing people say their goodbyes, you were on your way.

“wait, are we just going to ignore the fact that matthew is on a date?” you could hear jiwoong ask behind you.

vi. get help

“so…” matthew said in a teasing tone as he sat across from you at the library. 

“so, what?” you questioned, like you had no idea what your best friend was referring to. well, in your defence, you never knew with matthew, but you had a feeling this conversation topic started with a z and ended with hang hao. “you and hao?” he continued, just like you had anticipated, raising his eyebrows. 

“what about me and zhang hao?” you continued, acting clueless in the hopes of him dropping the conversation. 

“after what i saw at my birthday party and then hearing he walked you home, i hoped the two of you worked out the weird tension between you two and finally fucked” your friend blurted out in a very matthew way, like it was the most obvious conclusion to come to in the world. 

“we did not!” you raised your voice a little too much as you tried to defend yourself. you got a few judging stares from the people around you who were trying to study. something you were supposed to do as well, instead of having this conversation about zhang hao. “we didn’t fuck…” you continued more quietly. there was no reason for you to lie to your best friend. not when you could use his help.

“but you were going to?” he gave you a knowing look.

“well yeah, but then taerae woke up and i panicked and i kinda kicked zhang hao out-” you started rambling. wait. “how did you know we almost fucked? did he talk to you? what did he say? does he totally hate me now?” you continued like you were going to lose your mind. and now matthew was laughing at you, trying his best to stay quiet. 

“i haven’t talked to anyone, except hanbin, he’s just as convinced there’s something going on between you and hao as i am” your friend finally spoke. if only you knew what was going on between the two of you. you sighed and hit your head on the table. “what’s the problem y/n? you know, you could just text him and ask him" matthew said.

“i don’t have his number” you mumble in despair. 

“what? how can you not have his number?” matthew asked, confused.

“why would i? was i supposed to ask for it when we were making out or something?” you said as you lifted your head from the table, looking at your friend who definitely didn’t need to hear any more details of that night.

matthew took his phone out of his pocket, and gave it to you after a moment. “here, take his number and text him”

vii. become friends

you were currently sitting down at a park you had agreed to meet with zhang hao. matthew was able to convince you it was better to sort things out with zhang hao sooner than later. but now that you were here, waiting for the guy, you couldn’t help but feel nervous. it was warm as summer was finally coming and you felt like you were sweating buckets. was it the weather or your nerves – you were not quite sure.

“hi, did you have to wait long?” you hear a familiar voice from your left and see zhang hao’s figure coming towards you. he waved at you while giving you a sweet smile. damn. he’s so pretty. 

“oh no, not at all” you answered, trying to give the boy a smile to hide your nervousness. 

“what did you want to talk about?” zhang hao said calmly as he sat down next to you. unlike the other night, now he had left much space between the two of you. he didn’t seem nervous at all, which made you feel uneasy. maybe this wasn’t as big of a deal for him as it was for you. 

“at matt’s party, i’m sorry for being such a mess and dragging you into it” you decided to tell him. “i had a few too many drinks that night.” you took a look at zhang hao. he seemed surprised, maybe a little hurt as he tried to get comfortable on the bench. was that not the right thing to say?  “i mean, i probably made you uncomfortable and then i rushed you out of my place when taerae woke up, it was super rude of me to-” you were starting to ramble. 

“i wasn’t uncomfortable” he cut you off. he finally turned to look at you again “i wouldn’t have come in if i was.” there was the look again, making your heart beat louder on your chest. he was looking at you like he did under the streetlights, like you were the only person in the world that mattered. you wouldn’t mind getting lost in his eyes. “so don’t be too sorry, i enjoyed it as long as it lasted.” he gave you a shy smile.

oh.

this was the first time the boy had made you blush, usually it was the other way around. you broke eye contact to hide your shyness from him. “cool, cool” you started quite awkwardly. “we should probably be casual about all this, since we're friends and all…”

“we’re friends now? i’m cool with that” zhang hao replied with amusement.

“i mean, we’ve known each other long enough to call us that, i guess” you tried to reason, not realising your friend was only teasing you. as you turned your gaze back to him you saw him still smiling at you. this man will be the death of me. “well that’s that. sorry i can’t stay longer, i have places to be. bye zhang hao.” you said as you got up from the bench. you had nowhere to be, but you couldn’t possibly handle being in zhang hao’s presence any longer. 

“bye friend!” he yelled after you still with a teasing tone.

viii. feel nothing

you and your new friend zhang hao have gotten along well since your talk at the park. nothing has changed that much, except now you greet each other at campus, engage in conversation together, and sometimes share memes with each other. you have tried to convince matthew that you and zhang hao are really just friends and nothing more. matthew just can’t help himself when he teases you with kissy noises every time you interact with zhang hao. he’s the only other person that knows about your little secret. even hanbin doesn’t know, because if he did — everyone would. 

you were finally finished with your last class of the day, walking out of your department building. you felt at ease as everything in your life was finally going well. you were able to sort things out with zhang hao, you weren’t particularly struggling with any classes, and you were barely thinking about him, who shall not be named. 

as if on cue, there he was standing a few meters away from you. jaemin. he wasn’t alone though, as he was having a conversation with someone. you couldn’t quite tell what the two were talking about, not that really even mattered to you. contrary to popular belief, your heart no longer ached at the sight of him. you continued your journey with no intent to interact with jaemin, at least not until you realised who exactly he was talking with. when you were close enough you could recognize the other man’s voice.

what was zhang hao doing with jaemin? the sight in front of you felt really odd, but you couldn’t possibly look away. zhang hao almost towered over jaemin, paying attention to what the latter was talking about. he was wearing glasses that complimented his face well. one of his sleeves was rolled up revealing his toned arm. he looked so mesmerising, you couldn't help but stare.

it didn’t take long for you to be caught staring as jaemin called out your name. “wow it’s been so long. how have you been?” he asked happily as you took a few steps closer to the two. zhang hao was surprised to see you, his gaze moving between you and jaemin. his face filled with worry made you think he must have heard about jaemin and you from someone (definitely not from hanbin). you gave zhang hao a reassuring smile as you greeted jaemin, who was ready to embrace you in a hug. 

“i’ve been well” you sounded a little awkward as the two of you let go. an act that used to make your heart do backflips no longer felt like anything. “what were you two talking about? i didn’t know you even knew each other.” you asked out of curiosity as you stood next to zhang hao, who suddenly put his arm around your shoulder. you turned your head towards your friend, trying to understand what he was up to. 

“we’ve shared a few classes here and there” zhang hao said as he turned his head to face you. he was so close to you again, making your heart beat louder on your chest. “you’re ready to go?” he continued. you could only show your confusion on your face as you didn’t trust your voice to say anything at the close proximity. “dinner? remember?” he gave you a wink.

what? you were completely lost. what was this man talking about? 

“oooh, date night?” jaemin cooed in front of you. he took his headphones out of his back and put them over his ears. “i won't waste your time anymore then. y/n we should totally catch up sometime!” he didn’t wait for your response before he left. 

you and zhang hao stayed close to each other in silence for a while. you wondered if he could hear the way your heart was beating for him. you tried to look for answers from his face but to no avail. finally, zhang hao moved and removed his hand off of you, what had felt like way too soon. “sorry” he said as he stood in front of you. “you must have felt awkward seeing him” he continued, scratching the back of his neck. 

“did you do all that to get rid of him? i’m fine, i don’t like him like that anymore” you felt the need to clarify to him.

“oh” he said, blush breaking to his face and neck. “well, i was getting tired of him anyway” he excused and removed his gaze from you to hide his embarrassment. you thought he looked the cutest whenever he got shy or embarrassed. 

your laugh seemed to peak his interest again, as he turned his gaze back on you. your blushing face, matching his own. a comfortable silence fell between you again. ”just friends huh?” you could hear matthew’s teasing voice in your head.

“y/n?” zhang hao eventually spoke. you hummed as a response, waiting him to carry on. “have you eaten yet?” the boy continued hesitantly. 

“no, not yet” you answered truthfully, not quite sure where the conversation was going. zhang hao stayed quiet for a while. he was nervously shifting on his place, turning his face away from you once again. he was trying to find the right way to ask you.

“would you like to go out for dinner then?” he asked carefully. 

“sure!” you answered enthusiastically. you were starving at this point and wouldn’t mind spending some time with friends as well. “who else is coming?” 

“well, i thought it could be just us…” the boy responded, still not daring to look at you. 

oh.

“oh! that works too. sure. yeah.” you replied, definitely not embarrassed that you didn’t get the hint right away. “does indian sound good to you? i’m craving butter chicken” you continued, trying to move the conversation onwards, while your heart kept beating hard against your chest. 

“if that’s what you want, it’s good with me” zhang hao said and the two of you started your way out of campus, both a blushing mess.

ix. feel everything

you were not entirely sure what to think. had you just been on a date? zhang hao didn’t explicitly call it that, but it surely had felt like one. the dinner went smoothly, it didn’t feel awkward and the two of you were able to talk to each other comfortably. he constantly smiled at you and asked you questions about your life, putting the effort into getting to know you. he even insisted on paying for your meal in the end. 

you got to know things about him as well, as zhang hao no longer felt shy talking to you. he’s an only child and very close with his mom. he chose to play the violin, because it’s much easier to carry around compared to a cello. him and jiwoong have gotten closer lately because jiwoong had asked him to help him with a song he has been working on. he also revealed that he was glad that the two of you have gotten closer, which made you question things even more.

you were walking to your apartment in silence, completely sober this time. zhang hao had insisted on walking you home again, “as a man should” he had said. the way his hand was accidentally brushing against yours every once in a while was giving you butterflies in your stomach. you were not entirely sure if the man next to you even realises how much of an effect he had on you. you weren’t walking that fast because you really didn’t want the night to end. 

must to your dismay, you ended up in front of your apartment building. it felt like deja vu, standing in front of him again. you didn’t want zhang hao to leave, but you weren’t sure if it was appropriate to invite him in. you couldn't hide behind the confidence alcohol had given you last time. you didn't know what to say, so you settled on just staring at his face, completely mesmerised. he was doing the same, his gaze wandering on your face, like he was trying to remember each little detail of you. 

“i should…” zhang hao started, now looking straight into your eyes. “i should probably go now” he continued, not at all convincing. he made no effort to move, which finally gave you the confidence to talk. it won’t hurt to ask, right?

“i could offer you a glass of water before you go” you said, tearing your gaze away, still slightly scared of what he might answer. “you know, taerae’s not home tonight…” you added. as you heard no answer from the boy, you hesitantly took a look at him. he was smiling at you again, the way he had been all dinner. 

zhang hao took a step closer, raising his hand to hold your chin, making you hold eye contact with him. he lowered his gaze slowly to your lips, looking at you like you were someone to be desired. “you sure?” he finally spoke in a lower voice, still staring at your lips. you could only hum in response. and then he leaned in to kiss you. 

his lips were soft, but he pushed them hard against yours. he tasted like cherries as you kissed him back. the kiss deepened quickly as his tongue pushed past your lips. his arms lowered to your hips, pulling you closer, as you put yours behind his neck, playing with his hair. you didn’t stop until you both were almost running out of air.

zhang hao let out an airy laugh. “i’ve wanted to do that for a while” he confessed, your arms still tangled around each other. he was looking at you with so much adoration.

“yeah? me too” you smiled, your cheeks slightly pink. you let go of the boy to open the door to your apartment building. he held onto your arm as the two of you walked towards the elevator. you turned to look at zhang hao, who’s cheeks were a shade of pink as well. he noticed you staring and gave you another sweet smile. the door finally opened, and he couldn’t even wait till you got to your apartment, as he stole another kiss from you as you entered the elevator.

“i honestly thought you didn’t like me at all” you admitted to him as you parted from the kiss.

“that’s what hanbin always told me” zhang hao answered, now with a pout on his lips. “i was just too shy to talk to you, you’re like the most gorgeous person i’ve ever laid my eyes on” he continued, no longer daring to look you in the eye. even he seemed a little surprised by his sudden confession. 

oh. 

you’ve received compliments before, but hearing one from zhang hao felt different. your cheeks heated up again, and you could feel your excitement all the way down on your stomach. you wanted him so badly, you could only wish he felt the same way. when the elevator stopped, you decided to quickly peck the boy's cheek before you dragged him to your apartment.

once the door to your apartment closed behind you, you were all over each other. his lips connected with yours as your arms roamed all over your bodies. you couldn’t get enough of him, wanting him even closer to you. you stumbled over to your bedroom, where you gave him one more kiss before backing away.

zhang hao looked at you with concern. “are you okay?” he asked while still holding you closely.

“yeah, i just- i want to make sure you want this as much i do” you answered, studying his face for any signs of regret or hesitation. 

“i really like you y/n, and i want this more than you think” he admitted. he detached one of his hands from you to remove his glasses out of the way, putting them down to your nightstand. he lowered his hand on your cheek, cherishing it gently. “let me show you just how much you mean to me.”

so you let him, as you kissed him again.

x. fall in love

you were still out of breath as you cuddled up to zhang hao’s bare body. he wrapped his hand around you and squeezed you closer to him, twirling your hair with his fingers. you laid your head against his chest, drawing circles on his toned body, sighing with content. you felt zhang hao’s lips against your forehead, giving you a peck after peck. the act made you giggle, turning your gaze to him.

“what?” you asked.

“nothing, i’m just really happy” he answered, giving you one more kiss on your lips. he looked at you with so much love and warmth, which made you feel like you were dreaming. you couldn’t help but wonder what made you deserve to meet someone like zhang hao. no one has made you feel this good in such a long time, if ever. suddenly, very overwhelmed with your feelings, you hid your face on the crook of his neck.

you felt zhang hao’s chest vibrate from the laughter he let out. “cute” he whispered quietly, mostly to just himself, cherishing your head again. you got comfortable again, almost falling asleep in his embrace. his breath also evening out as he was slowly drifting away to sleep too.

“i really like you too, zhang hao” you sleepily mumbled against his skin, before the two of you fell into dreamland together.

- end

bonus:

“why do you always call me zhang hao?”

“maybe because it’s your name??”

“yes, but everyone calls me hao. you’re the only one who calls me zhang hao”

“oh”

“well, hao, i’ll call you that from now on”

the boy’s face flushed red as he finally heard you say his name. 

“oh my god, you’re so cute!” 

he turns his face to hide his blush from you.

“shut up”

[back2bluesidex]

Forbidden - KNJ (18+)

Pairing: Professor!Namjoon X Student!Fem reader

Theme: SMUT, PWP, Forbidden relationship au.

Summary: You know it's forbidden but you don't care, not when your professor is more than ready to ruin you.

Word count: 1813

Warnings: professor fucking a student, cumming on her ass, strong language, spanking, slut shaming, Joon hits it from behind, unprotected sex (it's a no no), domish Namjoon.

Minors are NOT welcomed in this blog!!

✨✨✨✨

Forbidden - “Not permitted or allowed” 

There is not a single part of the definition that you don’t understand -- Yet you can't help it.

All of your life you have been an exemplary kid. Be it academics, be it code of conduct, be it discipline, you have always excelled in everything. But you were never nosy about it. You kept yourself humble but quite reserved at the same time. You know well which lines cannot be crossed and which ones can, that too, when you should cross them. 

With a pair of big doe eyes and a heart full of enthusiasm, you stepped into this university. All set to achieve your dream degree. 

However, some of it changed when this one particular person walked into your life. 

“I clearly remember asking everyone to do their own parts even if it’s a group project. Didn’t I?” Kim Namjoon, your physics professor, says with his baritone voice. Hints of anger evident in his expression. 

“Yes, professor.” You and your project partners chant in unison. 

“But I got this feeling that two of you haven’t even written a single word.” Namjoon crosses his hands on his chest as he supports his weight on the table. Your eyes follow his every movement. The way his chest flexes against his tight turtleneck, it's illegal. You inhale sharply trying to shoo away the intrusive thoughts that are starting to cloud your mind. 

“No professor! We did as we were told” one of your partners almost shouts in her defense. You resist the urge of rolling your eyes. You know Namjoon is right, because you were the one to do the entire project. Park Sun Mi was way too busy with her baseball captain boyfriend and Lee Jae Min was way too high to come down and use that one left brain cell to do the project. You had no choice but to do the entire thing alone. You can’t afford to lose points because of your unworthy partners, even if that means giving them the scores they clearly don’t deserve. 

“Is that so? Then you should have no problem in appearing for a test based on the project in my office after your class hours.” their mouths fall open at Namjoon’s suggestion. 

“But professor-” Jaemin starts but Namjoon cuts him off,

“No ifs and buts. Report directly to me after your classes are over. Is that clear?” Namjoon says in a very authoritative tone. There is no room for any objection any more. Neither that you would ever object, you would rather spend an hour or two taking an unnecessary test in his presence than going home and resting. 

“Yes professor.” again you three answer in unison. 

“Leave” your professor orders. You are about to turn your heels when he orders again, “Y/N, I need to talk to you. You two leave.” You catch Sunmi rolling her eyes at you.

Your heart reacts faster than your mind. It starts to beat menacingly in an instant and you don't know how to act normal. You can’t really wrap your head around the fact that you are getting a piece of time to spend alone with the man of your dreams, your guilty pleasure, your forbidden desire, Kim Namjoon. You are so lost in your head that you didn’t even notice that Namjoon has been ogling your exposed legs. However, he soon composes himself and clears his voice to claim your attention.  

“Y/N… I didn’t expect that from you.” His voice is mixed with disappointment and anger, maybe? 

First of all, this is the first time in two semesters’ time, he has called you by your first name only, no suffix or prefix to burden the weight. Secondly, you don’t know why but, him being angry with you sends tingles down your spine. It definitely should not be like this. Had it been any other time, you would have probably sulked or cried your eyes out because you disappointed your mentors but…. This time it’s different. This time it's Namjoon. 

You don’t say anything in your defense. You know Namjoon understood that you did the entire project alone the very moment he read it, when it was supposed to be a “group” project. You are no better than your partners. You were on your way to give them free points for your own selfish needs. So, you hang your head low, avoiding his eyes. 

He marches towards where you are standing and comes to stand right in front of you. 

You curse at the proximity he has chosen to tease you with. 

“sorry, professor” you apologize with your small voice. 

“I think you are intelligent enough to know that your apology will not be enough, Y/N” he breathes out. The anger and disappointment in his voice are now gone, now those are replaced by something akin to darkness. 

“Professor, I-” You are immediately interrupted as Namjoon puts his index finger below your chin and tilts your face up to make you meet his eyes. Another round of shivers run down your spine as you perceive his siren eyes and the looming mischief in them. 

“Don’t you think you deserve some punishment?” Namjoon takes a step towards you as you take a step back. 

“You have been acting like a bad girl lately-” another step.

“-bad girls deserve punishment and I knows how to treat brats like you.” your ass comes into contact with the first row of desks. With blown out pupils you stare at your professor and try to comprehend the meaning behind his words. He, on the other hand, seems to be enjoying the way you are already submitting yourself to him. 

“Profe–” he cuts you off again, 

“Shhh– turn around” he orders and you comply without sparing a second thought. Your morals and rationality have feld through the open window long ago. 

You turn around and stand back-facing him. He places one of his giant hands on your shoulder and lowers your upper body down enough to perk your ass up. Your heart thumps as if it would burst out of your chest any given moment. Anticipation of what might happen in the very next moment, makes you leak. For a moment you think that you are dreaming. There is no way your daydreams are taking the shape of reality, you ain’t that lucky. But the next moment, you are proved wrong, when you feel Namjoon’s rough hands brushing right below your skirt’s hem. He bunches your skirt up and reveals the supple flesh of your perked ass. One of his palms creases down your butt through the thin material of your panty. He hooks two of his fingers on the hem of your underwear and pulls that down in an instant. 

And before you could accept the fact that you are now butt-naked in front of your hot professor, thinking of whom you hit your high every other night, a tight slap lands on your right ass. You yelp, eyes start stinging with tears right away. 

“For working on the entire project alone.” Namjoon groans.  

“Fuck” you curse out loud. 

Another slap lands at the same spot. “For concentrating more on my arms and thighs than the white board.” You gasp for air. 

Another slap. “For wearing these short skirts and driving me crazy.” 

Fuck, did you really drive him crazy? 

The last slap lands on the same spot. “For making me do something so forbidden.” 

You are drooling, both by mouth and cunt, by the end of the spanking session. Namjoon massages the fat of your ass as his other hand travels towards your cunt. He drags his slender fingers through your slit once and then parts your folds to gain access to your clit. You start to breathe heavily but stay still and let him do whatever he pleases. 

“Tell me to stop before I do something wrong, Y/N” his thick voice causes you to leak more. 

“No. don’t stop. I- I have wanted you, professor, for a long time now.” 

“You nasty little slut, do you think it’s okay to fancy your professor like this?” Namjoon says through his gritted teeth. All the while, his fingers probe into your cunt bringing a delicious friction and stretch with them.

“Fuck! So tight!” Namjoon exclaims. The more he discovers your tightness, the more his nails dig into your ass. 

You moan some incoherent curses and those arouse Namjoon even more. 

“You like it, don’t you? You like being corrupted? By the professor you desire? Hmm? A model student like you but so nasty inside?” He says with his husky voice. 

“Yes, professor. For you, only for yo-ah fuck” Your head starts to spin when he scissors his digits and stretch your walls even more. 

“For me? Yeah? Then do you want my cock?” he presses his thumb on your clit. 

“Yes. please.” you choke out, and that’s the confirmation Namjoon needed. He removes his hands from your body once for unbuckling his belt and setting his cock free. Once the deed is done, he slaps his thick meat on your ass. And fuck, you never knew you had so much of juice left inside of you cause you are leaking again. 

“Spread your legs.” he orders and you comply. 

He enters you bit by bit. At first it's just the tip and then he is half inside and then he is balls deep into you. The stretch is dreamy, far better than what you imagined and you want it all. 

“Should I move now?” His considerate voice makes your heart flutter and that’s a territory you don’t want to cross. You nod and he slams his hip into you. 

You arch your back. Namjoon wraps his hand on your waist to keep you in place as he starts thrusting into you mercilessly. 

The desk starts shaking violently but he doesn’t stop, neither do you want him to. You don’t even care if anyone is hearing you two doing things you definitely should not. With a vice-like thrust he hits your g-spot and your cream his cock without any warning. 

“Fuckfuckfuck” namjoon curses as he struggles to keep the pace. You know he is close as well. He pulls out his cock and cums all over your ass. His cum drips down the globe of your ass down your thighs and the scene alone makes him wanna fuck you again. However, he is a man of control. 

He let the beast out once and that should be enough. He knows you are a forbidden fruit and he should not touch you ever again. But the question is, can he contain himself? Especially when you turn around and seal your soft, sweet lips into a tempting kiss while both of you are still naked enough to start fucking again? Especially when you are so willing to be ruined by him and the bad boy in him roars to life. 

✨✨✨✨

[hwanchaesong]

Die For You

Na Jaemin X Reader

genre: fluff, suggestive at the end, sprinkle of angst, f2l au! (reader is having a hard time because of school)

word count: 1.6k

a/n: now this one is for you~ i hope you'll like it 💚 to anyone who wants to make a request, please check the rules. thank you much~

Jaemin doesn't believe in love at first sight, but he does believe in seeing someone for the first time and knowing that one day, you'll fall in love with that person.

It so happens that it's you, that one girl that always sits at the same table in his favorite coffee shop, at the same time with the same order.

You look.. peculiar? Can he even say that? He doesn't think so, he might get wacked on the head by you. But still, he really did think that you're adorable, and it became a habit for him to watch you as you minded your own business.

The idea of talking to you did not even enter his mind, not until you took the initiative because you had enough. You felt like being watched every time, and when you inspected the place, that handsome man was the culprit.

So you approached him, slamming your book and coffee on his table and sitting on the empty seat in front of him.

"Spill it." you said, and boy was he shocked because he did not expect you to be this bold.

"My coffee?" he asked, not entirely sure of what you mean but you can't blame him. The poor man has been relying on caffeine for days just to stay awake.

"No, I mean," you cleared your throat, caught off guard at his dumb reply, "why do you keep on staring at me?"

Then a light bulb switched inside his brain, beaming at you and stretching his arm towards you for a handshake, "Hi! I'm Jaemin and I think you're adorable."

That was the time when a beautiful thing called friendship bloomed. (and it turns out that between the two of you, he was the peculiar one. not you.)

Jaemin looked at his phone again, checking if you had replied to his messages. He does this every twenty minutes and his friends are getting sick of it.

"Just call her." Haechan said, scowling when he saw Jaemin check his phone once again.

"I can't do that. What if she's busy?" Jaemin countered back.

He doesn't want to intrude too much in your life, knowing his boundaries even if the two of you are very close with each other.

He was just worried. He hasn't seen you since last week and you never messaged him back.

"If you don't want to bother her, then wait patiently." Renjun, his other friend advises. A good one, but Jaemin wasn't exactly the most patient man alive.

"But I missed her!" he protested once more, earning him a collective groan among the men in the room.

"Listen," this time it was Jeno who spoke, "all these fiasco of yours are getting boring to watch."

"What?" now, Jaemin was confused, even more so when his other friends nodded in agreement. What on earth is he talking about?

"At first it was fun to watch, now it's just painful and if I'm going to be completely honest," Jeno leaned forward, like he was about to tell the dirtiest secret in the universe, "every time I see you like this, I wanna bang my head to the nearest wall."

"Then do it." Haechan laughed when Jeno threw a glare in his direction. "Jokes aside, I agree with Jeno."

Jaemin raised an eyebrow at them, "Are you guys drunk or something? What are you talking about?"

Ever the clueless Jaemin, everything needs to be spilled out for him that it made Renjun groan and push him out of the door.

"Just go to her man, you can't come back here until you've settled this!"

What good friends he has. First, they tell him things without elaborating and now they are kicking him out of their shared apartment? Well damn. Looks like he got no choice but to go to you.

After a few minutes of walking, he was already at the doorstep of your house, knocking incessantly and calling for your name.

He felt relieved when he heard your voice for the first time in weeks, "Coming!"

Upon opening the door, he was surprised at your appearance. You look so unwell, with the dark bags under your eyes, your tired demeanor and oh? Did you lose weight? What really caught Jaemin's attention was the dried tear stains on your cheeks.

His hands unconsciously made their way to your face and cupped it, "You were crying?"

Your eyes widened, slapping his hands away and shielding your face from his prying eyes, "I'm sorry Jaemin, I'm not really in the mood for this."

You were about to close the door but man was he agile, gripping your hand and hastily entering your home without your permission. (granted that it wasn't really required because you did tell him to come to your apartment whenever he wants to. you even gave him a spare key for free access.)

"Jaemin! What are you-"

He plopped you down on your sofa, "Stay there young lady, don't move a muscle and I'll cook some ramen for us."

He made his way to the kitchen, the clanking of the pans as an indication that he started cooking. You sighed and rested your head on the soft pillows of your sofa, soon, you were drifting to dreamland.

It was a relatively short nap, the smell of something heavenly woke you up. Lo and behold, a complete meal was set in your living room table.

"I thought we were having ramen?"

"At first," Jaemin answered, moving around and setting up the television so the both of you could watch your favorite movie, "but then I saw you sleeping so I decided to make more food. I'm sorry that I woke you up though." he explained, sitting beside you and giving you a sheepish smile.

"I don't mind getting woken up by a feast, honestly." you joked, eyes setting on the television as you two started to eat.

This was fun, you thought, not until you felt that same unnerving stare from years ago.

"What is this time?" you whined, now distracted and setting your food down.

"Why do you always complain? Let me admire you in peace."

You stilled, heart beating a little too fast for your liking. "You still didn't give up on that agenda of yours."

"How could I when you're literally the prettiest person I've known."

No. No. No. No. No.

You can't take this, not this time, you are having such a hard time and you don't think you'll be able to handle this.

Your thoughts were interrupted when you felt a warm hug engulfing you, Jaemin's scent filling your nose, "I missed you so much, Y/N."

You couldn't help but return the affection, melting in his embrace, "I missed you too, Jaemin. I'm sorry for pushing you away."

Jaemin hummed, momentarily moving away to fix some astray strands of hair, "It's okay, it's you. I will always understand you." he assured you, and for what felt like forever, tears of happiness began to form.

Was it really happiness? You think that some mixed emotions are also in there yet Jaemin was patient, wiping your tears away as you continued bawling. Your snot probably got in his shirt but he couldn't care. You were his priority, and he hates it when you cry like this.

He listened to you well, how you were so stressed about your academics and the never ending school works worsen your panic attacks.

He listened and listened, soft eyes watching you with empathy and sadness.

"You should've told me all of this instead of keeping it in." he mumbled against the crown of your hair, letting you calm down.

"Don't worry, you're not alone now. I'm here." his hands went up and down your back, effectively soothing your nerves.

"Thank you, really Jaemin. Thank you for sticking with me all this time even if I'm such a mess." you sniffled, giggling afterwards when he suddenly tickled you.

"Oh my god!" you squealed, falling onto your back and when you opened your eyes, you see Jaemin on top of you, gazing down at you with orbs full of nothing but adoration.

"I think you're perfect, even if you're a mess." he admitted, "Every day in my life, I see you and I think of how lucky I am because I have you."

"Jaemin." you mumbled his name, voice barely above a whisper as to not ruin the moment.

The noises from the television became static and all of a sudden, all you can focus on was your 'best friend'

"I don't really know how to explain it. I love you?" Jaemin questioned, like he was talking to his self, "That may be it but believe me when I say that I will take a bullet for you."

Jaemin slowly leaned down, his face mere inches away from your own, "You're that precious for me."

"Jaemin." you gripped his shirt tightly, "I love you too." you confessed, and that was all it took for him to seal your lips together in a silent pact that he belongs to you, and you belong to him.

Never in your wildest dreams did you expect that you'll be kissing your friend in your living room, more so when it's a passionate one.

"I'll show you," Jaemin mumbled on your neck, his mouth pressing wet kisses all over your neck.

"I'll show you how much you mean to me."

You never doubt his words, if it's Na Jaemin, then you're sure as hell that he'll do everything that he says.

After all, he's the man who's willing to die for you.

[thatsatricky1]

𝐍𝐞𝐰𝐛𝐢𝐞 | l.jn smau

Chapter five = Hot privileges revoked

Y/n knew just by the address alone that it wasn’t a good idea to give Jaemin his bag tonight. Not just from a gut feeling but by the fact this very wealthy guy who comes from old money had asked to meet her downtown, he’d tried bringing her to some stuck up cafe only yesterday so this just all smelled like a walking disaster waiting to happen.

But on the other hand she had to keep civil with Jaemin, they had an assignment to finish after all and she’d be damned if she let one little thing like this stop them from completing an important assignment that was worth one fourth of their grading this year in human resources.

Y/n knew she was overthinking it, surely not giving him his bag today wouldn’t have caused any problems with the assignment but she also wasn’t going to risk it. It’s hard enough getting into Neo T University with a scholarship, if her grades went below a high B she’d be in trouble. She’d only started at Neo Technology and wasn’t about to be kicked to the curb in her first month.

Realistically she’d already thought over every possibility of why Jaemin would need tape for his hands. But the only one that made the most sense was medical. Hand tape from what she did know about it could be used for two things. Prevent injuries or prevent even more damage to an already injured area.

No, she didn’t snoop around his bag because not only would that invade his privacy but because she didn’t want to know what else a stuck up, wealthy guy in his twenties decided was important to be kept in his bag.

Getting to the address didn’t take too long, Jaemin had been right on the fact it wasn’t very far from her place. But getting closer and closer she noticed it was just a normal building with loud music emanating from the place, the bass boosted as per usual with their generation.

It must have been some closed off club to wealthy young adults with too much time on their hands. Which wasn’t uncommon, she’d heard of them before. Pulling out her phone she shot Jaemin a quick test while shifting his bag straps that was hanging off one of her shoulders.

Pocketing her phone she only looked up when she heard footsteps approaching. She had to admit Jaemin was wearing pretty casual clothes compared to the high end brand clothing she’d usually seen him wearing around campus. If she didn’t know who he was she’d actually think he passed as an average young adult.

“Here.” She didn’t say much not thinking a full conversation was needed, pulling the bag strap off her shoulder moving it outwards towards Jaemin when he got close enough.

“Again you're a lifesaver.” He replied with a grin, taking the bag and slinging it over his shoulder this time.

“I don’t even want to know.” She gestured towards the building with her hand and back at the bag.

“Good idea. It’s nothing too bad though.” He reassured, yet Y/n wasn’t dumb enough to believe that considering who he was, I mean he was friends with Donghyuck so that was enough for her to know whatever was happening in that building wasn’t meeting every law correctly, she could only hope it was just some club.

“Do my eyes deceive me or is that really you.”

That voice, you always could tell where Donghyuck was. Hearing him before seeing him. Donghyuck wrapping an arm around Jaemin’s shoulder only seconds later flashing Y/n a large smile that could only be described as up to no good, as per usual.

“Don’t get too excited, she was just dropping off my bag.” Jaemin all but shut down any attempt Donghyuck had at causing grief.

“Not even going to stay for a bit?” Donghyuck offered, tilting his head back in the direction of the building.

“I’ll pass.” Y/n denied straight away, not realising just how safe her decision had been.

Donghyuck, ever the one for dramatic expressionism, let out a long sigh nodding regardless to her decision.

“I think you should stay for a while, have a look around.” A new voice entered the conversation. Three heads glancing in his direction.

Jeno standing there with his arms crossed watching the current trio loitering in the carpark. Jeno’s jaw clenched tightly afterwards as if to hold back from saying regrettable words. Jaemin watched him closely, understanding that expression on his face, he’d been close friends with Jeno long enough.

“Again I’ll pass.”

“Not even a little curious?” Jeno asked out, letting his arms drop from their crossed position in favour of walking closer.

“Honestly not in the slightest.” Y/n was quick to respond even if she was curious what the three were doing.

“Five minutes, you might like it in there.” Jeno shot back as soon as she finished speaking, trying to not give her a second to really decide about it and just do it.

For a guy who’d been staring holes into the side of her head on her first day at Neo Tech, he was pretty persistent in wanting her to go into that building and warning bells were ringing in her head.

“She doesn’t want to, Lee, drop it.” Jaemin was quick to shut down whatever was going on, casting a look at him.

Y/n didn’t get why Jaemin called Jeno by that name but she assumed it was just a nickname even if during school the boys only referred to each other with their proper names. Pretty shitty creativity to nickname someone after their last name though.

“Lee!” A voice yelled from the building's now open door, letting out streams of red hued lighting. The figure hard to make out.

Apparently Jeno was being called over as he looked toward s the figure making a hand gesture before turning back.

“Next time you show up here, don’t be prissy, walk in.” Jeno stated bluntly towards Y/n before walking towards the building.

“The fuck did I do wrong?” Y/n muttered watching him leave.

“Well that was both interesting and boring.” Donghyuck clapped his hands giving the two a large grin before patting Jaemin’s shoulder.

“See you tomorrow at school Y/n and if you forget your laptop there’s always a seat next to me, but preferably you can also sit on top of me.” Donghyuck shamelessly spoke, waving as he moved to drag Jaemin backwards towards the building.

“Thanks again!” Jaemin offered her a half assed second thank you as he got dragged towards the building. Y/n only gave him a nod before moving to leave the sketchy area herself, not entering sure what the fuck just happened.

𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 | 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 | 𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐭

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫’𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: Y’all I swear Jeno has a personality 🙏 lol just you wait and see 👀

𝐓𝐚𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭: @strrykais @chenlesfavorite @dudekiss3r @strawberrysavi @nislost @polarisjisung @nattan127 @rotinyzen @wonyoungmywife @snflwrhaerecs4u @thegreenlynx @serinebsblog @delululi @molensworld @morkiee @marvelahsobx @kaciebello @kgneptun @bluedbliss @haechansbbg @officiallyjaehyuns @bunnychui @catpjimin @stqrgr7 @jaeveil @flamingi

[haespoir]

me after you: ldh.

⨯ pairing: general!haechan x princess!reader

⨯ word count:  6.2k

⨯ genre: historical au, secret relationship

⨯ summary: being a royal means that you don't have the luxury of marrying for love. but when your younger sister is set to marry your childhood friend turned secret lover, you have to do something.

⨯ content: a lot of angst, mentions of blood, mentions of suicide, character death, open ending

⨯ playlist: fine, taeyeon / lucid dream, aespa / forgetting you, davichi / if it is you, jung seung hwan / how can i love the heartbreak you’re the only one i love, akmu

⨯ a/n: this comes after watching scarlet heart in one sitting. please be kind, this is the longest thing i've written in a while! feedback is always welcome ♡ . . .

You’re barely 10 years old when you first see him. You’re crouched behind a tree as you watch your brother Jaemin from a distance, an unfamiliar male by his side. You have no idea what they’re speaking about, but frankly, you don’t care much. You just want to know more about the male next to Jaemin. 

You've heard numerous stories of love at first sight. You’ve always believed that your first love would come and sweep you off your feet, that they would come in and whisk you away from the palace. But that’s not what he does. Instead, he fills your mind with fantasies, scenarios you only wish you could pursue with him. You imagine nights under the stars with him, being wrapped in his arms would be a dream come true. All this and you don’t even know his name. 

Suddenly, your muse for art is at its all-time high. You stray away from the usual flowers and bright colors. Dark colors make an appearance, and an unnamed male becomes the star of your paintings. It’s odd how someone you’ve never had a full conversation with occupies your mind. 

There’s this odd hunger that makes a home in your heart. Something that can never be calmed. At least not by you. Not by anyone but your mystery man. 

It’s not until a few weeks later that you get a name to match the face. Lee Donghyuck, the son of Grand General Lee. You know right away that he is destined to do nothing but good in his life. A man who can save countless countries in your eyes. 

You finally formally exchange names with him. It’s a wonder really, the way just a few words have you flying on cloud nine. “Lee Donghyuck,” he had said, voice sweeter than honey. It was sad how quickly you became smitten. 

But it seems you are not the only one because it doesn’t take long for the two of you to click. You’ve got a routine going, a secret shared amongst yourselves. Late nights turn into adventures, hand in hand the two of you explore everything the night skies have to offer. 

Looking into the eyes of Donghyuck you swear that he holds your whole universe there. He is limitless. The stars are not confined to just his eyes; they float in his voice when he whispers sweet words to you, and they dance along from his skin to yours when you touch. They surround him with this celestial warmth that is blinding to you. 

It doesn’t take you long to realize it, but you’ve fallen in love with Lee Donghyuck, desperately in love; it stays that way for years to come. 

And then the letters are sent out.

. . .

You are invited to the royal wedding...

Your attendance is requested at the wedding celebration of PRINCESS YI MIYOUNG and GENERAL LEE DONGHYUCK on the evening of Saturday, the 5th of January in the year of 1540 of King Jaehyun’s rule. 

The celebration will be held in the estate gifted to the prince consort and the princess after the formal wedding ceremony in the royal palace. Guests are required to bring forth a gift that will be presented to the bride and groom as well as the original invitation, which is to be presented on entrance. This invitation is extended to the immediate members of the recipient’s household.

His Majesty, King Jaehyun

Father of the bride.

. . .

Anger is a foreign emotion to you. But soon, you’ll find it’s your best friend. 

The date of the wedding weighs down on your soul. It crushes any hope that you have. Like a harsh wind, it blows out the flickering light of hope you have, and it leaves you covered in a darkness that you are unfamiliar with. Sorrow courses through your veins, but its presence is barely acknowledged. There’s something else there that takes control.

Anger.

It clouds your senses until it's all you see. A white flash of rage. A single swipe of your arm leaves your tea cups broken on the floor. Tears of anger slip down your face, but it makes things worse. You’re weak, so weak. And you’re an emotional mess. 

You wish you could be angry at your father for allowing it to happen. At Donghyuck for making empty promises, or even Miyoung, for just being Miyoung. But you can’t. It’s impossible. Your anger is directed at one person only– yourself. 

You hate yourself. It becomes a cycle of self-loathing. You’re unable to be angry at anyone but yourself. You are too careless with your heart. How could you have been so foolish? You know better than anyone else that there’s no room for love when it comes to the royal family. 

You rip the decorative accessories from your hair and throw them with all the strength you can muster. Even so, they don’t make it far. They land in front of an unfinished painting, the image haunting you. A painting meant for Donghyuck. How could you bring yourself to finish it now? 

A piece of glass catches your attention. How easy would it be to end your suffering? A simple cut would be enough, would it not? You could be free of all the politics, free of the pain. The glass feels heavy in your hand and suddenly, you are weighing out your life options.

But the more you think about it, the more your anger manifests. How could you allow someone to have so much control over your life? You’ve given your heart away so easily, and you aren't sure if you’ll ever get it back. 

Without realizing it, your grip on the shard of glass tightens and soon you’re drawing blood. But with your emotions running so wild, you don't even feel the pain. Scarlet tears stain your clothing, but you don't mind. Not now. 

You’re tired, tired of being walked all over. You’re tired of not having a say in your life. But– at the same time– you’ve lost all care. Bitterness seeps into your heart, and you feel like giving up.

However, you refuse to be weak this time around. You’ve been kicked into the dirt once again, but you won’t allow yourself to be buried. You will grow this time, and this time with more resilience than before. 

You watch as another drop of blood falls from your hand. This time, you’ll care only for yourself. This time, you will only care for your own happiness. You’ll face everyone with a fake smile. You’ll congratulate the married couple. And you won’t reveal your sorrow.

. . .

It feels as if a weight has been lifted off Donghyuck’s chest. There had been a few hiccups, but he had survived greeting his future wife. It’s not like he really wanted to, but he knew he had a role to fill. Miyoung wasn’t at fault; it wasn’t as if she had approached her father and begged to allow her to marry him. 

No, it should have been you to do that. 

But he also knew that you were not in the proper position to make those demands. He sighs softly; what a truly frustrating experience this was. The meetings with Miyoung and the King had been draining, but it was clear that they were to be married for political reasons only. After all, Donghyuck came from a family of generals who were completely loyal to the crown. 

As if the sky was reflecting his exhausted nature, the sun had begun to set. The light was slowly dying, a beautiful pink hue painted across the sky. You would have loved to see this sunset; it was one of your favorite activities, just chatting away under the disappearing sun. 

Had he been more aware, he would have heard you approach him. Standing in front of him was a princess, and he would argue that she was his favorite one. 

His surroundings seemed to be muted in comparison to you. There was nothing as vibrant as his lover, if he dared still call you that. Almost instantly, his heart clenches; it hammers within his chest like the war drums sounding his army’s march. It was almost as if his heart was echoing its intent for you. 

“Princess…” Donghyuck catches himself, addressing you with your proper title before an affectionate nickname can slip past his lips. “I hope you are well.” He bows with a foreign eagerness to place as much distance between the two of you as possible.

As he gazes at you, he begins to wonder if betraying the crown is worth it. If it meant he could hold you in his arms he believes he would forsake the entire country for you. That thought alone is terrifying, and it goes against everything his father has taught him. 

So with as much courage as he can, and it’s not a lot, he speaks again: “I bid you farewell.”

There’s an undeniable feeling that pools in your stomach as you look at him. It’s an ache that squeezes your heart so tightly it’s hard to breathe. There’s no one else that you would want to spend your life with, yet he is the same person who is forbidden to you. 

In your bandaged hand is a piece of fabric, one that holds the love and affection you have for the male in front of you. Intricate stars are laced through the dark fabric, representing the countless nights the two of you had spent together. So many sleepless nights spent on something for a man you could no longer love. A man you could no longer call your own. 

“Donghyuck,” you say, almost choking on the tears that you refuse to let fall. There's a feeling of happiness that blinds your senses when you see him, yet you can also feel your heart break at his cautious nature. How could the affection that once laced his words be completely gone? The words that left his mouth felt foreign, and they left you feeling bitter. 

“Please accept this,” you whisper, nearly begging. You barely manage to grip his sleeve; it seems he is in a rush to leave you. That idea only has your heart hurting even more. Your nights amongst the stars seem so distant now. He seems so distant now.

The way you said his name hurt. Even if he had scars covering his body from war, none would hurt as much as it did hearing you call his name out like that. He did not want to do this, it would be so easy to leave and run away, but when a princess begs, it is in your best interest to act in favor of the princess. 

Duty before self. Crown before duty. Country before the crown. These were words that he was taught since he was just a young boy. It was these same words that now haunt his every decision. Duty to the crown– the king had decreed his partner for life. There should be no space within his heart for you. Yet, you occupy all.

With trembling hands, his heart overriding the screams of protest in his head, he takes the star-laced fabric. Quickly, his eyes dart around, checking to see if the two of you were truly alone. Once that’s confirmed, he doesn’t hold back. Calloused hands cup the delicate face of a princess, your beauty clouded by the tears gathering in his eyes.

“What are you expecting?” He asks.

Maybe hours later, when he’s regained control of his emotions and he’s alone, he’d probably berate himself for giving into his weakness. However, right now, the crown be damned. It nearly broke his heart to see you hurting, especially when he loved you so dearly. All because you wanted him to accept a gift, which he’s sure is a parting gift. Even if he wants to deny it. He could be heartless in his duty to the crown, however, this was too much. “I’m already promised to Miyoung,” he says softly, his thumb caressing your cheek. “You know the king’s decision is final, and I cannot love you. We cannot be seen like this.”

“Leave me.” He whispers, watching as the tears that had pooled in your eyes begin to fall. “And forget me.”

“Forgive me,” he thinks to himself. 

It’s a concept that is foreign to you; the fact that his words hurt more than any physical wound- you’ve never felt anything like this. His words are like needles, and your heart is their resting place. 

Like always, Donghyuck is able to take your breath away. But this time he’s left you with no air, and no words as well. You don’t know what you had expected to become of the two of you– after all, Donghyuck was always someone who chose his country and the crown over anything. 

“I can't accept it,” you sob. And even if you tried, you don’t know how to. There's no one else in the palace who you love as much as you love Donghyuck. And it’s so difficult for you to come to terms with. 

“I can’t leave you, and I can’t forget you,” you recited as if it was a mantra that had been playing in your mind for days. And you had. Your thoughts had been consumed with Donghyuck since you had met him. 

Donghyuck, without much thought, presses his lips to yours. As if it's the most natural thing for him to do, as if he wishes to ease the pain of your breaking hurt. And it works, if only briefly. 

You relish the feeling of his lips against yours, a feeling you find yourself not knowing you missed. You never realized how hungry you were for Donghyuck until you got a taste. Like a drug, you’re not sure if you’re able to give him up. Your grip on his sleeve tightens, unable to let go of him. 

But no matter how selfish you wish to be, you can’t.

An internal conflict impossible for you to escape. You pull away from him quickly, tears spilling from your eyes freely now. How could you do this to Miyoung? How could the king do this to you?

Donghyuck had lost to his own weakness; he had lost to his own emotions. Everything always came back to you. Your lips were just as he remembered. You were an addiction to him as well, and he wondered if he’d ever be able to quit. 

He knew you. He knew the meaning of those tears; he could see the conflict brewing within your eyes.

“You're thinking about Miyoung, aren’t you?” He says softly, his hands moving to curl stray hair behind your ear. “You’re unable to betray your sister, as I am unable to betray the king.” 

He’s once again brushing your tears away with his fingers. “So much for being a general,” he bitterly thinks to himself. He wishes he had the courage to ask you to run away with him, but he has a family to think about. He has to think about his duty to the crown and to his family. Unknowingly, tears had also begun to fall from his eyes. “The moment the King announced our marriage it was over. What did you expect coming to see me here?”

His words are once again stabbing at your heart.

“Of course, I'm thinking about your wife,” you say, “My sister. Your wife. A person who gets to spend their nights in your arms.” It hurts even more as you speak, the words leaving your lips in soft breaths. It’s official, Lee Donghyuck has broken you.

The feeling of his fingers on your face brings back nostalgic memories. Instinctively, you lean into his touch. There is nothing that you wouldn’t give up for Donghyuck– you were just that in love with him. But you were just a princess– a princess willing to give up their title and life just for some general. And while you want to say that you’re unsure if Donghyuck would do the same, you know his loyalty to the crown is undying. And that is what tears your heart apart. 

“Do you know how difficult it is?” There are so many nights where you find that sleep doesn’t welcome you with open arms anymore. Instead, it turns its back to you, ignoring your pleas as you spend the night tossing and turning. 

It’s hard for you to speak; you’re choking on tears. You don't know what you expect from Donghyuck anymore. Your situation has become so complicated. It's hard for you to even comprehend. 

“I can't expect the same love I once received, I know I can't,” you say weakly, hating how difficult it was for you to speak. “But I do. Donghyuck– I crave it. I miss you so much.”

“To-be. Wife to-be. We’re not married yet.” He states bitterly, doing his best to draw the line distinctively. “She will not spend her nights with me. I have not touched her hand, her lips, or her.” 

It’s like daggers are embedding themselves into his heart with each word. He does his best to defend himself and calm your anxieties as he speaks. “I will sleep in my own study even if we are wed.”

“To be or is, what difference does it make? You are no longer mine Donghyuck– why can’t I grasp it?” you speak with anger towards yourself now, each word produces a new cloud of darkness in your heart, a feeling you’re becoming used to unfortunately. 

You’ve come to a full circle of blaming yourself. You’re the one to blame, had you not fallen for Donghyuck that fateful day, this wouldn’t be happening. Had you begged the king to allow you to wed Donghyuck instead of Miyoung, maybe you would have gotten your happy ending. 

But it’s too late for that now. Even the thought of Donghyuck spending a night with Miyoung pains you. Though you want nothing best for your siblings– if Donghyuck is Miyoung’s best, you might find yourself changing your mind.

“You are always the last thought that I have before I close my eyes. You were my very last thought when I thought I was on the verge of dying.” His words are earnest as he speaks. “You are the one that kept me strong on the way back home, back to you. I thought about your crying face and fought the reapers who had come to claim me.” 

Donghyuck’s hands drop to your waist as he pulls you into him, holding you close. “The love you’ve once received is still here.” He takes your hand and places it over his chest. “You will always be in my heart until the day I breathe my last breath.”

You grip the fabric that separates your hand and his heart. “You plague my every waking thought, Donghyuck. And even when I think I can be free of you– you appear again. Countless nights I prayed for your safety. I prayed for you to come back. To come back to me.” But that’s not the reality you get. Your father had rewarded the man you loved for winning the war by giving him your younger sister’s hand in marriage. How cruel.

“It is torture to give a man your heart and soul only for it to be rejected because the crown and country are placed higher than you,” you say, hitting his chest with your balled-up fist. “It is truly torture having to hide away from your family because you’re ashamed. Ashamed to face your sister for loving her soon-to-be husband. Ashamed at the fact that I couldn't even be vocal about how much I loved you– how much I do love you.”

You move to cup his cheeks, your thumbs caressing his face in ways that you can only hope to express how much affection you still hold for him. “What are we to do? What am I to do?”

Donghyuck swears this is like a dead game of go, several stones are already stuck. Defeat is imminent. Perhaps he is going soft and becoming vulnerable. He had heard this is what love does to a person. He had warned those who learned from him that placing too much focus on one objective would be their downfall. Yet here he is, doing everything in his power to keep you safe and by his side. 

Even if he meant betraying his loyalty. 

It would be simple; avoid the engagement and wedding as long as he could. Then, when your brother Jaemin takes the throne, he could annul the engagement. It would have to work; it was the only way. For this to work, the King must die.

He could do it in five years, maybe even four. An illness, or a coup. Something like that could work, right? The thought alone makes his heart race. Someone with an undying loyalty to the crown, thinking such treasonous thoughts.  

He looked at you, the love of his life. He could see the pain that flickered in your eyes. Were you worth committing high treason for? To go against the crown and country? To go against everything he had ever known?

The answer was blatantly yes. 

Would your love survive if he was the one to end the life of your father? Even if it was a perfect crime, would his own soul survive dealing with the guilt?

“I love you.” He whispered, pulling you into him once again. Donghyuck closed his eyes, willing away the demons forming in his mind. When someone you love more than life is in pain, it is a very simple decision to make on the spot. 

Donghyuck lies.

“It will all be fine,” he says. “I will find a way for us. Can you wait?”

One look into his eyes, and you know he’s planning something. You can hear the cogwheels turning in his brain. Like a true General, or to-be Grand General– you know he wastes no time in making plans. You know him too well, after all, he was once your Donghyuck. 

Being in his arms was where you belonged, where you would happily spend the rest of your days. But that was not so easy anymore. You could no longer hold the affection you once held for him. 

Logically, it’s not right. You know it’s not. It's your loyalty to your sister that reminds you of this every single day. Miyoung was a princess, and you would not allow your sister’s reputation to be tarnished. There were just some things that were above you. Anyone with a brain knows that this is not just some easy mistake to be fixed. 

But you have always followed your heart. 

So you allow yourself to fall into Donghyuck once more. “I love you as well,” you breathe out, your voice barely above a whisper. You can hear his steady heartbeat as you place your head on his chest; it calms your aching soul. Donghyuck is your sun, your moon, and all your stars. You know that he is someone you’re willing to fight for. 

“I will wait for you until the end of time, you know that.” The words slip past your lips effortlessly, a white lie in its purest form. You know that Donghyuck will always be in your heart, but you also know how the world works. It works in cruel and unfortunate ways. 

A princess as soft-spoken as you will never get what you want. You are a pawn to others. You know soon enough that you will be married off– just as your sister was. And when the time comes, will you still be able to put Donghyuck above all else? 

“But are you able to wait for me?”

He leans away from you to look at your face, his hands not leaving your waist. “I fought death for you,” he thinks to himself, feeling his heart swell at the image of you. 

“Is this doubt I hear?” He gazes at you with false anger, a playful smirk decorating his features. “You dare doubt the hero, the Grand General Lee Donghyuck?”

“I will wait for you until the end of time,” He says, leaning in and stealing several small kisses between each word. You allow yourself to be showered in his love, and you enjoy the feeling wholeheartedly. You carve the feeling of his lips against your skin into your mind. You won’t ever allow yourself to forget it; you won’t allow yourself to forget your love. Separating himself from you, Donghyuck takes a step backward, his hands gently holding both of yours.

“I’m not good with words,” he begins, looking down at your intertwined hands. “But since I’ve already broken my own vow to stay away from you, I might as well speak freely now. I had prepared for months to say this, hoping that I would get to say it when I received your hand from the King.”

He takes a breath, his gaze meeting yours. 

“Once, as a young boy, my father told me to never stare at royalty. We should keep our heads bowed. And I took that to heart until you. How could I not look at the most beautiful person in the palace? For the first time in my life, I took a gamble. I asked Jaemin to introduce me to you. I was just his sparring partner then, and I thought I would have been executed for that.” 

Donghyuck thinks back to that day, smiling fondly at the reactions he remembered receiving from Jaemin. Why was his sparring partner interested in his sister? It hadn’t made sense to Jaemin then, and a part of Donghyuck almost wishes he never asked. 

“Jaemin introduced us, and when you smiled at me… I was never able to look away. If not for you, I don’t think I would have ever known a love so deeply in my life. I fell in love with you when I was ten, just a young boy,” he smiles, giving your hands a gentle squeeze. 

“I’m twenty-three now, and I’ve been loving you more and more each and every day since I was ten. I regret not a second of it.”

You know that your end is coming soon. 

But with every word, Donghyuck makes it so much harder for you to give him up. His words cause your mind to run; it runs to a place where the two of you are free to love each other.

However, that place is not here.

You two are but a small chapter in the novel of this country, a small insignificant chapter. And you realize that now.

Yet your heart still races at his words. You know that you are Donghyuck’s weakness. So it leaves you no choice but to be the strong one in your situation. 

“Every second I've spent with you, there is not a single regret that plagues them. You have given me the love I never knew I needed.” You raise your intertwined hands, placing a gentle on the back of his hand.

“And for that, I thank you. The first time I laid my eyes on you, I knew you would be more than just a man to me. I've given you my whole heart, and I can only hope you keep it safe.” Your words pain you. You know this is your goodbye, the last time you will ever see Donghyuck with these feelings of love dancing in your heart. 

So you press one last soft kiss against his lips before you speak again: “I should head back to my quarters, as should you. It's quite late. Be safe.” 

With these last words, you let go of your first love and quickly turn for your room. The farther you get, the more tears fall. You wonder if it’s really better this way.

. . .

It is a good thing that Donghyuck had not spoken of his treasonous thoughts to you because they fall through so quickly. 

The silence in the air becomes a newfound friend to you. Something you once detested before now brings you endless comfort. The day is coming sooner than you hoped. You must congratulate your sister. You must congratulate the love of your life, Lee Donghyuck, for getting married to your dear sister.

It hurts. It hurts like hell. There are so many things you wish you would have done differently. You wish that you didn’t meet Lee Donghyuck– that you never fell in love with him. You shouldn’t have given everything away so easily. Because now, you’ve become a fool, a pawn in this game of chess. All of you have.

You’ll be okay. It's a mantra that repeats in your head like a broken record. He's not worth it. Nobody should have control over your life like Donghyuck does. It’s time for you to let go. 

And so you try.

The moon supplies no light in the dark garden. Yet, you are there. Your canvas is set– Donghyuck’s unfinished painting there. The dark sky is displayed on the once white canvas, small stars littered sparsely amongst the space. Two figures bask in the glow provided by the white paint. Figures that were once Donghyuck and you have been completely remade into Donghyuck and Miyoung.

It ignites anger in your faint heart once again. But the healing scar on the palm of your hand reminds you to never take the anger out on yourself, never again.

So you take your anger out on the painting.

With a heavy grip, you stab your paintbrush into the canvas. Before your eyes, the painting becomes two pieces. Something you wish their marriage would become.

But it hurts you to even think these ill thoughts. You care for your sister so much. And you care for Donghyuck even more. Yet there’s this new evil that rests in your heart. Suddenly, becoming bitter seems easier than letting go. And it definitely looks more attractive with every second that passes.

It takes a few days of peaceful meditation, but you find yourself in the garden again. Your muse this time, a budding flower. A representation of the new relationship that will bud between the two. A representation of the new take on life you have.

The color blue stains your fingers. A color for freedom and peace. This painting is made with Donghyuck in mind. The words “I forgive you," are woven throughout the flower. And you only hope that Donghyuck is able to understand it.

The nights following your breakdown instilled a resolve that you could have never found yourself following. A path laced thoroughly with bitterness and hatred. A path completely unfamiliar to you. But it’s a path you will now call your own. For you have learned that those with a faint heart can’t survive. They won’t survive. And now you will do whatever it takes to survive.

You spend the night before the wedding in the garden again. It is foolish for you to hope that Donghyuck will arrive. You know that it is wishful thinking. As you walk the path engraved in the ground made by the two of you, you know it is the last time.

. . .

The morning brings signs of your new beginning. A new you. This is your chance at a new life. You will create a new path for yourself, a path you will now travel alone. You no longer need Donghyuck. All you need is yourself.

Your resilience is stronger than ever before. But you know that your weakness rests in your heart; you would be foolish to lie to yourself and say it doesn’t. You have always been someone who loves wholeheartedly. From a young age, you gave everything you had to offer to those you love. You had given your heart to Lee Donghyuck, and now you had to give him to your sister. 

You arrive at the wedding on time. But the happiness in the air has no effect on your mood. You’re sad and heartbroken– it’s inevitable. But you don't let it show. 

Sitting through the ceremony hurts. It’s expected, but you begin your healing process quickly. You lower your expectations for Donghyuck. You no longer expect anything from him. Not even a glance.

And so, your eyes stray from him. They only stay on Miyoung. Your heart hurts for the younger princess. You know that she wants nothing more than to not be married to Donghyuck. You know that someone else resides in the heart of your sister. Yet you hope she is able to find happiness. You don't wish for darkness to form in her sister’s heart.

. . .

“Your Highness, your sister comes bearing gifts.”

You stand tall, a soft smile on your lips. “For her highness, an embroidered scroll.” The scroll your maid hands over tells the tale of sorrow you feel for your younger sister. An arrangement of flowers decorates the fabric, a single daisy being the star of the show. A flower to represent hope and innocence. You pray that Miyoung is able to keep her hope throughout this marriage and that her innocence never fades.

“And a painting for you, General Lee.” The bitterness that dances on your tongue makes it hard for you to keep your composure, but you do your best. The blue carnation decorating the canvas is not something that you have ever laid your eyes upon. Rather something you have created for Donghyuck himself. The last thing you will ever create for him.

“I wish you both a prosperous marriage.'' Those are your final words as you bow. Your eyes avoid Donghyuck's as you leave, disappearing from his sight once the door is closed. You only wish that all involved can find happiness. For this is the last time you will allow yourself to be heartbroken like this. 

. . .

King Jaehyun gathers everyone’s attention with a clear voice that rings out clearly in the chilly night air. He motions to the tables set around a fire that blazes in the middle to warm the guests against a biting winter breeze. 

Daughters sit with fathers, quietly gazing away from the king out of politeness. Sons sit with their mothers, quiet and attentive, ready to hang upon the King’s every word.  Here marks the start of a toast: from a father wishing the best to his daughter in her married life, from a king looking proudly on his son in law who’s already achieved so much in such a short amount of time. There is a moment when the mantle of the king is laid down and instead, the wishes of a father ring out into the night.

It's obvious that the princess is unhappy sitting next to her now husband. It's obvious that her husband looks as if he wants to be anywhere else, beaten down already as he is by the rumors and the whispers about his wife and their marriage bed. 

The King can see it all clearly, but to them, he wishes them lifelong happiness. He hopes that in the end, they’ll find it. And he expects that they will. 

No one notices the looks that are shared slyly behind his back between certain members of the court. Everyone is far too interested in the married couple at the head of their table, seated close to the King. They’re far too invested in the King’s words, and the gleam of pride in his eyes when he looks over at the married couple as he is ready to put the cup to his lips. It’s a signal for everyone else to do the same, and so they do.  

It's a shame, really, that no one notices. This all could have been avoided if they had.

The toast ends with a sip of alcohol in the King’s presence, all members of the party turning away from him to drink from their cups. It doesn’t start right away– people put down their cups, and there’s once again a dull chatter that bubbles through the crowd. After all, no one is expecting a red wedding.

It takes a few minutes to settle in the system. Most poisons do. First, it’s the princess who coughs up blood, staining her hanbok a dark shade of crimson. That’s when the panic begins, her coughing not stopping; she continues to cough and bleed, unable to breathe from the poison that’s boiling hot in her system.

It's not just the princess though.

Several members of the court are clutching at their robes, heaving and clawing in fevered desperation to cling to their lives. The poison is fast acting. And it leaves the princess, the Minister of Defense, and a General as cold as the night air.

In the blink of an eye, two sons become the head of their family, forced to take on the mantle of their dead fathers. In the blink of an eye, a princess is stolen from the world. And in the blink of an eye, three families are torn apart and heartbroken. For a long moment, there’s silence. The King is pale. 

And then all you can hear is the wailing of the groom.

[lovesuhng]

Loved - Na Jaemin

couple: Jaemin x fem!reader genre: fluff; slightly suggestive; friends to lovers w.c: 1.3k synopsis: You have always been insecure about some things, including your body, but your best friend is going to make you feel like the most beautiful woman and, above all, loved. warnings: The protagonist has some marks on her body like stretch marks and scars, and it is also implied that she is plus-size. a/n: Once again, this idea came to me while I was coming back from college. I wanted to write a story with the protagonist having tattoos, so I used one of my tattoos as inspiration (the tattoo in the photo is mine hehehe), and sorry, I don't know how to write suggestive scenes.

"When are you going to buy a car, Nana?" The day had been as chaotic as possible, and to top it off, you and your friend Jaemin got caught in a sudden rainstorm as you left the university. You had just arrived at your apartment, which was the closest.

"Maybe in about 10 years, if I can get a job. Cars are not cheap!" 

"10 years? That's a long time! But okay, now go and take a shower. Your luck is that I still have your clothes," you said, returning from your room, handing Jaemin a hoodie and sweatpants he had left in your apartment one day. "I'll make something for us to eat. Pasta?"

"It's the only thing you know how to make," Jaemin said, entering your bathroom.

"AND IF YOU COMPLAIN, YOU WON'T EAT!"

While Jaemin showered, you took off your wet clothes, put on a robe (after all, you were going to take a shower as soon as your friend finished, and you couldn't risk catching a cold), put water on the pasta to boil, and started preparing the ingredients for the sauce. Some time later, with the pasta cooking and the sauce being finished, Jaemin came out of the shower and caught your attention. You knew your best friend was very handsome, but the sight of him freshly showered was out of this world, especially because he hadn't put on a shirt. Wet hair, strong arms that you easily imagined around your body, the defined abs from the hours he spent at the gym, the sweatpants slightly lowered, showing the waistband of his underwear. In short, that was a sight that easily made you nervous and disconcerted. Jaemin was also nervous because seeing you in just a robe and wet hair played with a man's imagination.

"I-I'm going to take a shower and be back for us to eat. KEEP AN EYE ON THE PASTA!"

After a warm and relaxing shower, you changed clothes, put a towel on your hair, and went to the kitchen, where you found the table set and your friend waiting for you to have dinner.

"Look at everything being so neat. Ready to get married, huh?"

Jaemin just smiled because deep down, he wanted to repeat this scene with you every night. You spent some time eating and talking, discussing some gossip from the university and Jaemin's internship. After dinner, you convinced him to do a skincare routine, since, with the heavy rain, Jaemin would stay overnight at your apartment, something that happened frequently.

In the bedroom, you were sitting on your bed, where Jaemin was looking for a movie for you both to watch, and you were just lamenting how tired you were.

"I'm so tired that I would do anything not to have to comb this hair. You could do it for me, right?" "Okay."

"What do you mean 'okay'? Are you really going to comb my hair?"

"Aren't you tired? I'll do it for you."

"Man, you're the best! The comb and the cream are on the little table over there."

You were almost regretting letting Jaemin comb your hair. It wasn't that he was bad; on the contrary, he was very careful, applied the cream, and untangled your strands in such a delicate way. The issue was his proximity that made you very nervous. You were practically between his legs, hoping he wouldn't hear your heart beating so fast. When he finished, you made a move to leave, but Jaemin's strong hands embraced your waist, bringing you even closer to him.

"Any problem?" Your voice came out faltering, like a whisper, making him notice your nervousness.

"The only problem is that I can't hide what I feel for you."

You were incredulous at your friend's declaration. You still couldn't understand that Jaemin also felt something for you.

"I fell in love with you the day I saw you running late on the first day of high school." Jaemin stroked your arm gently, as if he were passing a feather over it. The touch was delicate, subtle, and he listed all your qualities. "I love how dedicated you are, I love when you make me laugh, I love when you care, saying that I should go out more or that I should have some tea when you think I'm going to get sick. I love when you cry watching '10 Things I Hate About You' or the end of High School Musical 3. I love every detail about you, including your tattoos, which make you even more beautiful." Then, you felt Jaemin's sweet lips kissing each little heart on your right arm, going up from your shoulder to your neck, giving you shivers. Jaemin turned you around, making you sit on his lap, looked deeply into your eyes, and asked, "Do you feel something for me too?"

You just nodded.

"Baby, I need you to say it to me." He caressed your cheek, maintaining eye contact. "Do you love me as much as I love you?"

"Since the moment I first saw you. I love you, Jaemin."

Jaemin broke the almost nonexistent space and kissed you. A sweet, calm kiss, but eagerly anticipated, happening at the right moment. "I've wanted to do this for so long," Jaemin said between the kisses, making you smile. The kiss became hotter, and you were running out of air. So, he pulled away from your mouth and went straight to your neck, while you closed your eyes, enjoying every touch of Jaemin. That's when you felt Jaemin's hands lifting the black tank top you were wearing. Your biggest insecurity woke up, and you quickly got out of your friend's lap, who didn't understand what had happened.

"What happened, my love?" He blushed at the nickname Jaemin had given you. "Am I going too fast?"

"No! I think we waited too long, the thing is…," you said, pointing to your own body. "You're so handsome, so... attractive." You tried to say it in a funny tone, getting a smile from the man. "And I'm like this... Oh, and there's the fact that I've never done this before." Jaemin understood what you meant, well aware of this insecurity, especially with your body. You always wondered why you couldn't be thinner and compared yourself to other girls, especially when you went to the gym with your friend. Then he got up from the bed and held your hands.

"Don't say that. I know this insecurity has been bothering you for a long time, but know that you don't have to feel that way around me. You're the most beautiful woman there is, and I love every little bit of you. You're damn sexy." This also drew a chuckle from you and made Jaemin approach you once again, putting his hands on your waist. "I just want you to trust me and let me make you the most loved woman in the world."

The smile on your face was the certainty that Jaemin had that you wanted it as much as he did. At that moment, to show that you were ready and more confident, you did something he didn't expect: slowly took off the black tank top you were wearing, almost revealing yourself completely to your best friend. He looked at you in disbelief. He looked at your titties, which, for you, were far from pretty, because they had some stretch marks that made you completely uncomfortable, but that, for Jaemin, made them even more perfect.

“Wow, how beautiful you are and mine.”

Placing your hands on his neck, you just made a request to Jaemin. “Now, prove that you really love me, Na Jaemin.”

He started an even more passionate kiss than you shared before. Jaemin's hands gently caressed your bare back, while you scratched your friend's sculpted abdomen under his shirt.

It was your first time and with someone you had been in love with for a long time, but it was also the first time you felt confident, beautiful. Jaemin has this power over you: to make you feel truly loved.

[weirdkpopgirl]

Starving Yourself | Dream Reaction #6

Reaction: When their gf skips meals

Genre: Angst, slight fluff

Warnings: subtle mention of eating disorders, body image issues, lots of crying (I apologize)

Word Count: 3435k

Author's Note: I've had this subject in the back of my mind for a while now. A few days ago, I just got into it and thankfully finished today. I want to first credit my friend who helped me come up with scenarios for this lol.

Just a little disclaimer, I wanted to say something for those with poor body image. I feel like you hear things like this a lot, and you might read more things like "oh I also struggle too," and "please don't feel bad about yourself." When I was working on this, I did write some of the stories based on experience. So I don't have any right to advise on improving your self-esteem or working to have better eating habits. I'd be a hypocrite if I said those things. All I can say is that I know how what self-hatred is like, and how it can take you down some dark paths.

Please stay strong. I am very sorry for how long this note is 😅

~ ~ ~

MARK

His life was going normally, being a workaholic as always. At the same time, he felt more at ease since he was dating you. The other night, you guys went out on a movie date to see the new Black Panther film. It wasn’t until near the end of the movie that he noticed the popcorn you bought was barely touched. But knowing your slight dislike for greasy foods, Mark didn't think too much about it.

After dropping you off, he returned to his dorm. He was met by the Dream members who appeared to have been waiting for him.  They watched quietly as their leader removed his shoes and took his jacket off.

“Hyung?” Jisung asked cautiously.

“Yeah? What’s up?” The Dreamies exchanged looks with each other that he couldn’t quite read. Was it uncertainty?

“I don’t think he knows,” Chenle murmured, causing Mark’s brows to furrow in confusion.

“Know what?”

Chenle glanced at his hyung, and back toward the members beside him. But he was going to tell Mark the truth no matter what.

“That (Y/n) collapsed at her university last week.”

Mark stepped back, clearly shocked by this news. “What? Why?!”

“Apparently she wasn’t eating much,” answered Jaemin.

“She’s your girlfriend. Didn’t you notice something was off?” Haechan’s voice raised slightly. As one of your good friends, the singer couldn’t help but show his irritation. He knew Mark had been so caught up in work recently. But you’ve been struggling for a long time now.

Now in distress, Mark ran a hand through his hair as he searched his memory for anything he might’ve missed. He paused for a moment, remembering the popcorn from earlier. Then he was dashing back out the door, despite it starting to rain.

That was how you heard the sound of your doorbell ringing close to midnight. Luckily you were awake, but you were surprised to see Mark soaking wet. He also looked as if he was about to cry any second.

Despite your befuddlement, you pulled the man inside so he could change into some dry clothes. Mark would bring up to you what the guys told him earlier. At that moment, you began to regret hiding your problems from your boyfriend. You’ve never seen him so worried before.

You spent the rest of the evening—or morning cuddling in bed. Mark kept repeating how much he loved you and apologized for making you feel like you couldn’t come to him. All he sincerely wished for was for you to be happy and healthy. He wasn't going to allow another incident to happen.

✎__________________________________________________________

RENJUN

You had spent nearly an hour getting ready to meet up with Renjun’s parents. Seeing them was the first thing on your list for a weekend trip to your boyfriend’s hometown. It’s been nearly a year since you last met his parents, which made you more nervous than usual.

Renjun’s eyes lit up when you finally came out of the bathroom. He instantly recognized the white blouse with a dark blue floral print and the matching blue skirt you were wearing. It was the outfit he bought you not too long ago. 

“Wow, you look so pretty!” He exhaled. There was no hiding how taken away he was with you.

Even though you didn’t agree with his compliment, you thanked him shyly. Renjun noticed something wasn’t quite right pretty fast. The previous times you were about to meet his parents didn’t feel like this. But he couldn’t pinpoint why things felt strange with you.

Deciding to not dwindle on it, you guys left the hotel to meet up with Renjun’s parents at a restaurant. His mother quickly stood up when she spotted you two coming in. While she happily hugged her son, you exchanged greetings with his father.

“It’s so nice to see you again, (Y/n),” Mr. Huang smiled warmly.

You bowed your head politely, “Thank you. I’m sorry it’s been so long.”

Mrs. Huang pulled away from her son to get a better look at you. Her eyes filled with slight concern, and she took your hands. “You’ve gotten skinnier my dear!”

That's what it was. Renjun now knew what he was wondering about earlier. Preoccupied with carrying on a conversation with his mom and dad, you didn’t notice how he observed you throughout dinner. He waited until you guys came back to your hotel room to confront you.

“(Y/n), are you okay?��

Your body tensed slightly at his question. “Of course I am. What makes you ask that?”

“It’s just—you’ve become so thin lately. Also, you barely ate anything tonight, and you love Chinese food,” He pointed out. “Sweetheart, what’s going on?”

Honestly, you felt like you’ve been playing a game over the past few weeks. Wondering how long you could hide your unhealthy eating habits from Renjun. Of course, it didn’t take him very long.

Your eyes dropped to the floor. “Nothing—I just haven’t been hungry recently.”

“(Y/n)-ah, please don’t lie. You have to eat,” Renjun chastised. 

He walked over to your side and lifted your chin with the tips of his fingers. “Now I know why you’ve been so tired lately. If you keep this up, you can faint or something worse might happen.”

“I’m sorry. I guess, I just wanted to look my best for you and your parents,” You admitted, after a short pause. 

In return, Renjun pressed his lips against your forehead. “For the record, my parents love you, and so do I. You don’t need to change anything about yourself. Especially if your health is at risk.”

You melted into his touch, and let yourself sink into his embrace. Renjun was always there to reassure you that you were more than enough for him.

✎__________________________________________________________

JENO

Jeno and you were a newer couple, after having met through mutual friends at university. His major was computer programming, while you studied creative writing. So your schedules were different, but you did share one class. 

Your boyfriend was the one to convince you to take dance. Honestly, you were a little reluctant at first. But you ended up signing up for the class to spend more time with him. Since Jeno was more athletic, dancing was a lot easier for him. You…not so much. It was still fun, despite the increasing levels of anxiety the class gave you every week.

One afternoon, you met up after both of your classes finished. That’s when he asked to eat lunch together later. Yeah, a typical thing for a just-got-into-a-relationship boyfriend.

You agreed to his sweet offer. But you didn’t think when you jokingly added that it felt weird since you usually ate one meal a day. Jeno turned to you in astonishment.

“What? Only once?!” 

Confused by his reaction, you slowly nodded. “Yeah…”

He stopped walking and moved his hand to your shoulder.

“(Y/n)-ah, that isn’t healthy,” He lightly scolded. 

But you quickly brushed off his concern for your eating habits. You took his hand and dragged him to the school’s dance studio. “It’s not a big deal, Jeno-ssi. We better hurry, class starts soon.”

In spite of Jeno being slightly wary, you seemed to be learning the new dance routine fairly smoothly. That was until you were changing formations and you started to become dizzy. Huffing quietly, you shook your head to dismiss the slow onset of a headache and kept up with the next moves. This feeling was something you were used to whenever you did any intense physical activity. 

However, things were different when the room suddenly began to spin. Your legs were the first to give out, shortly after. Wincing, you pressed your knuckles against your forehead. Gasps and words you couldn’t process only irritated you more. Fortunately, Jeno rushed to pick you up off the ground and carried you to the health office.

The nurse checked up on you after getting settled. “Did you eat anything today?” She asked. 

Jeno couldn’t hide a scoff when you told the woman you had. He frowned when the nurse advised you to rest. Once she left, Jeno allowed himself to sigh.

“(Y/n), you need to eat more.”

“I-I think I just need rest,” You contradicted him.

The boy crossed his arms in persistence. “How can you rest when you have a headache because you don’t eat three meals a day?”

His tone softened a bit when he realized how fatigued you were. Lecturing wasn’t going to help you in this state. With another sigh, he made his way to the chair you were sitting in.

“Rest for now,” He said gently. “I’ll bring you something to eat.”

Jeno petted your head and pecked you on the lips before dashing out of the room. You waited anxiously for about 15 minutes before your boyfriend came back with assorted types of kimbap. He must’ve bought some from the nearby stand owned by a halmeoni.

You almost cried when he opened the wrapper and fed you. For the first time, someone showed you that they cared. Though you were both early in the relationship, you couldn’t stop yourself from falling deeper for Lee Jeno. Most likely, love.

✎__________________________________________________________

HAECHAN

Due to upcoming exams, you and Haechan spent your Saturday afternoon in the library preparing. Studying on a weekend may not be an ideal date in Haechan’s opinion. At the same time, he knew how stressed you got when exam season came around. But that didn’t stop him from complaining now and then.

“Aish, I missed breakfast because Jaemin was taking too long,” Haechan groaned.

He pouted when he received no response from you. His salty mood prevented him from getting anything done. On the other hand, you were ultra-focused on finishing up an essay for one of your English classes. However, you snapped out of your zone by Haechan’s hand tapping on the corner of your laptop.

“Are you hungry too? Did you have breakfast?”

Almost instinctively, you replied to his question with a simple “no.” You shook your head when he asked if your roommate was also running late this morning.

“I just forgot,” You said absentmindedly.

He watched your eyes flicker back to the computer screen in front of you. It kind of seemed like you wanted to end the conversation quickly. But you couldn’t escape your boyfriend that easily.

Then he asked, “How do you forget to eat breakfast?”

The cool expression on your face slowly faded, as you stopped to think for a moment. Lately, finals haven't only been your source of stress. This past month was spent traveling back and forth between Seoul and Pohang to take care of your sick mother. On top of that, you were balancing school life and hiding your problems from everyone. You guessed self-neglect was a result of all that.

Haechan noticed your sudden change and instantly became worried when tears formed in your eyes. He proceeded to reach his hand across the table to take yours.

“(Y/n), is everything okay?”

You promptly clasped your opposite hand over your mouth to muffle your sobs. At least you still had half the mind to cry quietly, remembering you were at a library. Usually, you were the last person to have an emotional outburst. But Haechan’s question made you realize how not okay you were.

Fortunately, your boyfriend was quick to act and rushed to your side. His arms wrapped around your shoulders, holding you in a tight embrace that would hopefully calm you down. 

A few minutes later, Haechan closed your laptop. “Okay, you’re going to stop thinking about school for the rest of the day.”

“Hyuck…” You wanted to argue, though you knew he was already standing up and packing your things away.

“You can tell me what’s been bothering you over lunch,” He added, “Does jjamppong sound okay?”

Haechan had no idea what was causing you to break down, or why you weren’t taking care of yourself. But getting you to eat was his priority, and he started by recommending your favorite dish. 

Since then, he’s become a lot more protective and gone out of his way to take care of you more. Whenever he was down, you were always there to support him. So that’s what he was going to do for you.

✎__________________________________________________________

JAEMIN

The first thing he did after getting out of bed was to look for you. He was a little sulky that you didn’t get to wake up together. Especially since he hasn’t seen you in one month and two weeks. Jaemin loved his job, but he hated how it also brought this distance in between you two. What made him feel worse was how you never complained. Not even this time, when he showed up at your apartment at one a.m. Instead of scolding him for coming over at such a crazy hour or for walking to your place in the cold, you simply led him into your room to get some much-needed sleep.

Luckily, it didn’t take long for Jaemin to find you. He was greeted by one of his favorite aromas when entering the kitchen. And there you were at the counter, carefully pouring a pot of steaming dark liquid into a blue mug. Watching you he realized you had gotten up early to make coffee for him.

As his heart swelled with a dozen emotions, he walked up to stand behind you. Barely startled by his presence, you merely glanced upward to see the tired grin on his face. 

“Did you sleep well?” He responded with a delicate kiss on your exposed neck.

His arms circled your waist, gently pulling your back to meet his chest. It was then, did he notice how his girlfriend’s waist was practically nonexistent, or in other words, thin. Thinner than usual and definitely not healthy.

Jaemin’s smile contorted into a look of concern. Slightly pulling away, he turned to you.

“Jagiya, have you been eating well?” His tone was soft, despite his deep voice.

Automatically, you could tell your boyfriend wasn’t speaking in a casual small talk way. Nonetheless, you pretended not to be fazed.

“I’ve been on a diet…” You set the coffee mug down.

He frowned. “What kind, if you don’t mind me asking?”

You cursed in your head, as you hurriedly made up a lie.

“A low-carb diet,” You tried your best to sound assertive.

“A low-carb diet or a no-carb diet?”

You froze in place when you noticed the hint of anger in the last part of his question. Jaemin slowly turned you around to face him. “(Y/n), be honest. Have you been eating well?”

Several seconds of silence passed by, as you couldn’t even look him in the eye.

“No.” There was a catch in your throat, as your lips quivered.

Jaemin brought you back into his embrace when you began to cry. His chin rested on the top of your head, as your tears soaked his shirt. His heart broke at the sound of your sobs. All he could do was press kisses into your hair, and pat your back.

You sniffed, “I just…I just see pictures of us, and I hate how I look when you’re so perfect.”

“(Y/n)-ah…”

“I know it sounds stupid. But I want to be a girlfriend who is also beautiful.”

Jaemin cupped the right side of your face and sighed, “(Y/n)-ah, you’ve always been beautiful to me. You don’t need to lose weight or do anything else to prove that.”

As comforting as his words were, Jaemin knew that it would take more than that to make you feel better. From then on, he didn’t miss a chance to shower you with compliments and affection. He loved you and had no problem making sure you believed that.

✎__________________________________________________________

CHENLE

You were currently on opposite sides of the room. Chenle was watching Instagram videos on his phone, and you were writing the next chapter to a story you started a while ago. This was agreeably considered hanging out with each other. Doing your own thing until someone broke the silence. And this time, it was Chenle.

His stomach growling did not go ignored by him. Naturally, he pulled up a delivery food app. He then paused and looked over to you who was typing away on your computer.

“(Y/n)-ahhh, I’m ordering food. What do you want?”

“I don’t know,” You replied, without looking up.

Chenle sat up in his spot on the couch. “Do you want tteokbokki?”

“Um, I’m not in the mood for tteokbokki.” He saw your head shake behind the computer.

“Jokbal?”

“Haechan will be upset if we eat that without him.”

“How about gukbap?”

“Eh…”

“Okay, what about-”

Losing concentration, you shut your laptop in frustration. “I’m not hungry! Just order something for yourself.”

“I want to eat with you though,” He whined. You closed your eyes for a moment and sighed before starting to speak again. 

“But—”

“No buts. You’re going to come here and help me choose something.”

Just as you opened your mouth to protest, Chenle already decided he had enough. He lifted you from your chair which earned him an “are you crazy?” look. Then he brought you to where he was previously sitting. While doing so, he noticed that you were very light.

“How are you not hungry?” Chenle asked. “Your stomach is practically crying out to me.”

You wrapped your arms around your waist self-consciously. “You’re exaggerating, Chenle.”

Even though you made it sound like not a big deal, Chenle had a feeling there was an underlying problem here. He knew that you had a small appetite, but having no desire to eat was separate. For someone who was such a big foodie, the idea of his girlfriend starving herself worried him.

“We haven’t had a meal together in so long,” Chenle pretended to sulk. “But if you really don’t want to eat, I won’t force you.”

Ugh, you just couldn’t resist the rare look of sadness on the boy’s face. He knew you hated to be guilty.

So with a sigh, you slowly made a new suggestion. “Actually…maybe we can get tteokbokki. Can we just share the bowl?” 

As if he wasn’t moping a second ago, Chenle smiled and wrapped his arm around your shoulders. “Of course. Anything for you, Cutie.”

✎__________________________________________________________

JISUNG

He sat patiently in the lobby, waiting for you who was at a doctor's appointment. You insisted this was nothing but a normal check-up. But that didn’t stop Jisung from accompanying you. He stood up in slight surprise when you came out earlier than expected.

“(Y/n)-ah! You’re done?” You bobbed your head and grabbed his hand with a small smile. 

Jisung noticed you were being quieter than usual during the drive to your place. But he thought you might be tired from a long day of classes before having to visit the doctor’s office. You’d probably feel better when you got back home.

Once you guys arrived, Jisung was left alone when you went to change into more comfortable clothes. As he plopped down on your small couch, his eyes darted to the medical papers you had previously left on the coffee table. Out of habit, Jisung picked up the papers to organize them. 

However, your recorded weight on the first page caught him off guard. His eyes widened in horror at the number. He knew you were small, especially compared to his size. But he didn’t think you were underweight to the point that it was dangerous. This must’ve been why you barely said anything earlier.

Tears flooded his eyes in an instant when he saw you walk out of the room. Suddenly confused as to why your boyfriend was crying, your lips parted to ask what was wrong. Then you spotted the slightly crumpled papers in his hands.

“Jisung—I can explain,” You spoke calmly, in an attempt to keep your voice stable. 

Jisung looked at you in despair. “Is this why I haven’t seen you eat lately? Or how you don’t want to go shopping together anymore?”

Your confirmed silence made him feel worse. Regardless he rushed up to hug you, engulfing your small frame into his taller figure. The two of you stayed in that position for a long time. Your fingers stroked his back as you also tried to calm him down. You made sure to reassure him that you knew you had a problem and were going to try to build better eating habits. Jisung would offer any support he could give you.

✎__________________________________________________________

[liliansun]

NEVER LET ME GO | LDH

pairing | lee haechan x fem reader

synopsis | it’s pretty much a given when it comes to friends of a long time that one will fall for the other, so you’re not surprised by how long you’ve kept it to yourself. unbeknownst to you, you’re not the only one holding things back and once the truth is out there’s no going back.

genre | university au, childhood/best friends -> lovers, fluff, angst

warnings | swearing, haechan is kinda rude, mentions of sex (non-detailed, just briefly brushed over), winter calls jaemin an idiot (playfully)

featuring | nct dream, heeseung from enha, chaewon from lesserafim, winter from aespa, ryujin from itzy

wc | 6.2k

a/n | shoutout to ash for beta-reading this for me and screaming in pms as she did so 🥺❤️ @ethereal-engene

I. WHEN WE WERE YOUNG

Ever since you were a kid, you always looked forward to growing up. Even if it was just a couple years older than the age you were at, you were constantly thinking about what milestone you would accomplish in the following years. You wouldn’t say this all changed when you met Haechan at the ripe age of 9, but he definitely did hinder your outlook on growing up. Haechan was the type of kid to live in the moment, never once taking the day for granted which truly made the phrase ‘opposites attract’ led you two into an unbreakable friendship from that point on.

As you two sit on the set of swings at a park near your neighborhood, you ponder on what will happen to the two of you as you enter high school in the upcoming semester. “You’ve got your thinking face on.” His voice snaps you out of your thoughts, feeling more relaxed under his tender gaze. “What’s going on in that big brain of yours?” He adds on, playfully flicking your forehead. You wince, rubbing it with a slight pout. “I’m just thinking of what’s gonna be of you and I when we get to high school.” You never could hide from Haechan, always being an open book when it came to talking to him. When you look up from the ground, you can see his eyes soften at your worries.

“I don’t know what’s gonna happen when we get to high school, but I can promise you that I’m always gonna be by your side.” You knew he was sincere, his words putting your heart at some ease. Unexpectedly, he raises his hand and holds out his pinky, something he’s always done when he makes a promise and keeps it. Smiling, you brought your hand up and interlocked your pinky with his. “Me too hyuck.” You said softly, giving his finger a gentle squeeze.

If someone passed by and saw the two of you, they would’ve assumed you’d been in love and are on your way to a relationship. They wouldn’t entirely be wrong at first glance, because you were on your way to being completely head over heels for your best friend and no one could’ve prepared you for it. When you look back to that pivotal moment in your friendship, you’d say that was the first time you finally got a taste of what loving someone could feel like and if you’re honest, you never wanted it to change.

Not much has changed over the years between you two, you’re still pretty much still stuck to the hip and spend a lot of both down and social time together. Even now that you’re both juniors in college, the two of you have found ways around your schedules for one another. While you sit on his bed, going over some notes for an upcoming test, Haechan lets out a loud sigh while slumping his head toward you. Most people would be concerned, quick to ask what was wrong and offer any help, but you knew him all too well to know this was one of his desperate attempts to get your attention. With another loud sigh, you ignore him as you turn the page in your notebook.

“Are you really ignoring me in such times?” He asks, grabbing his shirt as if he was shocked. You smile to yourself, looking up to meet his eyes and straighten your expression. “Have you ever considered that maybe I actually enjoy silence?” Haechan scoffs, turning more toward you as he sits in the chair at his desk beside the bed. “But I’m hungry, let’s go get something to eat.” You can’t deny how incredibly cute he is when he pouts, but that’s something you’d never say out loud. “I just got here 20 minutes ago and now you’re hungry?” As he pulls your notebook from your grasp, he carefully sets it on his desktop. “What if I pay?” Rolling your eyes, you let out a singular huff as you get off his bed.

Haechan takes this as a win, jumping out of his chair with his wallet in hand. “I’m picking dinner tonight.” You tell him, slipping your shoes on. He nods, grabbing his coat and shoes. “Okay, but nothing crazy expensive, I’m using Renjun’s card.” As the two of you leave his dorm, you decide somewhere on campus would settle for the two of you. “Why are you using Renjun’s card again?” You said, watching as he shoved his hands in the front pockets of his coat. “We made a bet and he lost, but I’d feel kinda bad if I blew his bank account.” You nod, continuing to walk beside him as he greets people that pass.

You’re not bothered that almost everyone on campus knows Haechan, I mean he was pretty well liked. He got along with almost anyone due to his outgoing personality and sunshine-like essence. He was essentially a charming guy who knew his way with words and it definitely worked on the girls who spared him a glance. Now that definitely bothered you, but who were you to be jealous of pretty girls wooing over your best friend? Instances like now really reminded you that you’re just the friend that’s been by his side for so many years and that the girls who call him late at night get to experience what you could only imagine, if you were imagining it.

You had continued walking when Haechan suddenly stopped to talk to what you suppose was one of his flings. She had caught his attention by calling him over and in typical male fashion, he followed the pretty girl with the pretty face. You would’ve waited for him, but who knows how long that would’ve taken if he even would’ve made it back. You entered the dining hall alone, looking straight ahead at the selection of food they have out. “What’s a girl like you doing out alone?” A familiar voice appeared behind you, bringing a small smile to your lips. You grabbed a tray and started to get items to accompany your main dish.

“Oh you know, I’m just enjoying the silence before a hurricane comes through.” You said, watching out of your peripheral view as Jeno cracked a similar smile. “Oh yeah? Where’s he at anyway?” He said, grabbing something for himself as he followed behind you. “Talking to some girl by the lab hall.” You stated, going down to pay for your food. “Figures, I bet he was the one who opted for food too.” He says, paying behind you as you wait for him. You give him a nod, following beside him as you two walk to the table where the rest of your friends were sitting.

“Well well well, look who’s finally alone.” Jaemin announced upon your arrival. “She’s not alone if she’s with Jeno, Nana.” Winter said matter-of-factly. “Lover boy is shooting his shot outside and left this gem by herself.” Jeno sat beside you, clicking his tongue as he talked. “Yeah well, one man’s loss is another man’s treasure and I’d like to be that woman.” Ryujin said, playfully winking at you. You laugh, rolling your eyes as you’re about to dig in. Just when you bring the food to your lips, Haechan brings his hands down to your shoulders with enough force to startle you.

“Why’d you get food without me, I said I was gonna pay!” He says, whining as he looks at your plate. You turn your head, staring at his almost guilty expression. “Hyuck, you were off doing your thing so I came to get food.” He sits on the opposite side of you with a frown, picking some food he knew you only got for him off your tray. “Since some of us are here can we talk about the back to school party this weekend?” Winter announced. Jaemin whipped his head toward her slowly, squinting his eyes. “You do know it’s been a month since school started right?” His lack of ability to pick up the slight sarcastic meaning by the party title earned him a punch to the shoulder by Winter. “Yes you idiot, god why do you even talk.”

Jaemin winces as he rubs his shoulder, mouthing to you with a smile that Winter was apparently in love with him. You giggle, continuing your meal till it was nearly done. When you finally notice that Haechan took the cake you had, you frown. You could’ve easily gotten another one, but the one you had was one of the last few on display. Jeno noticed your sudden sadness and put his cake onto your tray. You flash him a smile, mentally thanking him. The rest of the table watches the exchange happen and even more so how Haechan’s expression changes while watching. As you look up confused as to why everyone was eyeing the three of you, you then turn your head to Haechan who was giving Jeno a hard stare.

Putting your hand on his shoulder, he seems to visibly soften at your touch while shifting his gaze onto you instead. “Okay, now that whatever that was is over, I’m gonna go.” Ryujin says as she gets up from the table. You give her a questioned look as she signals for you to follow her. Winter does the same, stealing your cake off your tray. “My cake!” You say, quickly walking around the table to get your dessert. “Sorry hyuck, I’m stealing your girl!” She says as she and Ryujin giggle while leaving the dining hall. You have to jog to catch up to them, finally getting the cake from Winter. “So are we gonna just ignore that or what?”

“Ignore what?” Ryujin scoffs as Winter looks at you in shock. “C’mon y/n, you can’t tell me that boy isn’t head over heels for you.” You don’t comment, staring down at your cake while following along the girls. “Jeno was just being sweet, don’t read too much into it.” “No girl, not Jeno, Haechan!” Winter says, smiling at you widely. “Even I saw those heart eyes throwing fireballs at Jeno when he gave you his food, man was saying ‘don’t touch my girl’.” You shrug, trying to shake off the sickly sweet feeling you have in your stomach. As much as you’d want Haechan to reciprocate your feelings, you don’t ever see it happening.

“He’s not like that, we’re just friends.” Judging by the way the two of them look at you, you know they don’t buy it. If you’re honest, you don’t either, but purely from a one-sided point of view. Only in your dreams will you ever be more to Haechan and throughout the years you’ve learned to accept that. “Whatever you say girl.” Winter says, interlocking her arm with yours. “Speaking of, when was the last time Haechan ever got jealous, do you know?” Ryujin asks, slinging one arm around your shoulder. You smile to yourself at the thought of the memory in mind. “When we were young.”

II. HEADACHE

The next time you saw Haechan was days later when he showed up at your dorm unannounced. You were sitting in bed, headphones in with your calming playlist on mid volume in attempts to soothe your headache. You took some pain medicine to help aid your throbbing head, but nothing seemed to relieve the misery. Your roommate Chaewon decided to go out to study so that you could lay in the dark till you were feeling better. As she opened the door with all her books and bag in hand, Haechan was the last person she expected to see behind it. “Oh, uh did y/n call you over?”

“No, I came to surprise her.” He said, holding up a bag with some of your favorite snacks. He sensed you weren’t in a good mood through the way you were responding to his texts earlier and he did what he thought would cheer you up and bought you food and a drink. “Take care of her, yeah? Her head is hurting badly.” She said as she walked past him while he entered. He saw you laying in bed with the blanket up to your cheeks, the curtains covering the windows beside your bed. Quietly, he takes his shoes off and sets the bag down by your bed. You had yet to notice his presence while he started taking the snacks out and laying them on your bedside table.

When you turned over, you weren’t entirely surprised to see him beside you. You paused the music, taking a headphone out to hear him humming along to the music that was playing. “What are you doing here hyuck?” You asked as you moved over in your bed to make room for him. He pushed the cover back gently, climbing into your bed and taking the headphone you had offered up. “I noticed you were off in text today so I brought you some stuff to see you smile.” You were truly down so bad, the simplest yet sweetest gesture had you flushed in the cheeks and you couldn’t help it. To hide how hot your face got, you pushed your head against his chest once he got comfortable.

“Just a headache is all.” You mumbled, listening to his heart beat inside his chest. You felt your mind start to relax under his touch, the feeling of him rubbing the back of your hair had you hyper aware of his gentleness. A comfortable silence continued on between the two of you, just the sound of music and soft breathing filled the room. “Are you planning to go to that party Winter mentioned?” You suddenly ask, feeling his chest rise a little more at your question. “Dunno, you going?” You nod, blinking at the fading light peeking through the window by your roommate’s bed. “Maybe I’ll go just to protect you from any wandering eyes.”

You sat up, smiling down at Haechan. “Wandering eyes? What are you now, my father?” You said, laughing a little as he sat up. “I’m serious y/n! Some guys are out to get pretty girls like you who just so happen to be all alone.” You said that so confidently that you couldn’t help, but to laugh. “Why are you laughing, huh?” With one brow raised, he eyed you as you started to calm down. “Nothing, you’re just too funny.” Haechan sat up quickly, switching the way you two were positioned in your bed. He was now hovering above you, hands immediately finding their way to your most ticklish spots. “Oh so I’m funny now huh? Do you find this funny?”

You couldn’t stop laughing as you tried to fight off his devilish hands. After what seemed like nearly 10 minutes of being tickled nonstop, Haechan moved his hands away from your sides to let you catch your breath. Unbeknownst to you, he was watching the way your eyes crinkle when you smiled. Bringing one hand up to your cheek, he pulls a piece of your hair away from your face. You suddenly went stiff, watching his eyes shift from yours down to what you could only imagine was your lips. Your breath seemed to be caught in your throat as you noticed how he didn’t look up nor did he move.

You didn’t know what to do, whether to move in and close the space between you or to make your way from underneath him and pretend this didn’t happen. Your heart was saying one thing, but your mind opted for another. You cleared your throat, bringing Haechan to his senses as he got off from above you and stood beside the bed. His cheeks were a light shade of pink as he rubbed the back of his neck. “So yeah, uh as I said earlier.” He said, shifting his eyes around the room to ease the awkward tension. “The snacks, yeah..the snacks.” He could feel your gaze on him, but he couldn’t bring himself to meet it.

A couple minutes pass while silence fills them before either of you speak up. You’re about to try and change the subject when you hear his phone go off. Normally when he was with you, he’d only have select contacts on for notification so you assumed it must’ve been his roommate. Glancing at the caller ID when he pulls it out, you knew whoever it was that she must’ve been important. Something about his expression makes your heart sink into the pit of your stomach. He almost smirks at his phone before realizing where he’s at and what had just happened.

“I think I’m gonna go.” He said, shoving his phone back into his pocket. Silently, you nod without meeting his eyes. You could practically feel the tears starting to sting as they welp up, opting to not cry in front of Haechan over something you consider dumb. He can sense the change in atmosphere, your posture and sudden energy makes his heart break, but he’s too scared to comfort you after what happened just moments ago. “I’ll see you at the party y/n.” He said as he left while you looked over at the way he laid your snacks. Part of you wonders if he knows what he’s doing to your heart and part of you thinks it’s just how he is and that maybe you’re not as special as you hope you are to him. Either way, he has your heart in his hands and it’s too delicate now compared to your reappearing headache.

III. FAIRY GODMOTHER

“So you’re telling me that he was about to suck your face off, but for a message from his booty call and left?” You stare at your roommate, quite shocked at the way she worded everything from what you all told her. “Yeah, pretty much I guess.” You replied, throwing your head back onto the bed with a groan. You could hear her laughing, lifting your head to see her hysterically laughing into her hand. “I don’t see what’s so funny.” You continue, trying to hold back from joining her. As she calms herself down, she straightens up while wiping away her tears. “I knew transferring to SMU was gonna be different than HYBE-U, but y’all are a different breed on this campus.” She says, getting up from her chair that she pulled beside your bed and made her way toward your closet.

“What exactly are clothes gonna do to salvage what dignity I have left?” You asked, getting off your bed to meet her in your closet. She rummages through your clothes in the back, a section of clothes you never really wore unless you wanted to feel extra pretty. “We’re gonna make him jealous at the party tonight.” She said as if that was the most common sensible thing. You stare at her worriedly, especially with the outfit she had chosen. “C’mon y/n, haven’t you ever read those fanfics where the girl gets the guy jealous which lures him into confessing his underlying love for her and they live happily ever after?”

“This isn’t a fanfic nor is it a fairytale chae.” You said, watching as she turns to you with a bright smile. “C’mon, I know a couple of people who can ease your mind.” Hesitantly, you followed her across campus to one of the halls you had only been in once. You were starting to get a nagging feeling of where she was taking you, but you tried to relax and follow along with her. You entered the same dorm hall you knew that Chenle and Jisung stayed in, walking past their door with a small smile on your face. As she continued down the hall, she stopped at one door that you knew was most likely a single room.

After a few knocks and the loud music from inside the room stopping, a very tall and yet handsome guy opened the door. “Oh, hey Chaewon.” He said, instantly smiling down at her. “Heeseung, this is my friend y/n who also doubles as a roommate and we kinda need your help.” She says, walking past him to enter his room. Unfazed, he steps aside and gestures for you to enter the room as well. Upon entering, you recognize almost immediately that he was a music major. He had music sheets laid across his desktop, an acoustic guitar on his bed and the stereo where you could only assume that the music was coming from was on his bedside table.

“Heeseung also transferred from HYBE-U, mister smarty pants graduated early so even though he looks older, he’s a year behind.” She said, taking his chair as her seat from his desk. He smiles at you, shrugging as he walks over to sit on his bed. “I just got lucky is all, don’t listen to the fairy tales she tells.” You nod, leaning against the wall while still observing his room. “So she is a fairy godmother after all?” This made Chaewon laugh, nodding in agreement. “So what’s up, did you need something or do you just enjoy my company?” Heeseung asked as he leaned against his pillows. “My dear y/n here has a case of the lovesick for her best friend who just so happens to be a fuckboy.” You groan, dropping your face into your hands while Heeseung surprisingly listens without comment. “So I need you to come to the party with us tonight that he’ll be at to kinda spice things up.”

You could hear some shuffling, but nothing was said by either of them. Just as you’re about to look up, Heeseung grabs your wrists and pulls them from your face. “Are you okay with this y/n? I know we just met, but I don’t want to tag along if you’re not down.” You had to truly think about your answer for this because this could make a lot of both good and bad things happen between you and Haechan. Part of you was too scared and slightly insecure to try and get his attention on you, but you also felt like you waited so long for this and if not now, then when. You finally nod, giving both Heeseung and Chaewon the green to get ready and go. After you and Chaewon had finished getting dressed, the two of you met Heeseung down by his car for a ride.

Winter and Ryujin were texting you nonstop on the way asking why you didn’t ride with them and once they were filled in, they completely understood. You were typing away on your phone to your friends, not noticing Heeseung smiling softly at you. “How long have you two known each other?” You look up at him confused until you follow his eyes to your lock screen. It was a picture you and Haechan took over the summer when you visited your hometown, the sun kissed his skin beautifully while you hid from it with glasses and a hat. “Over 10 years.” You answer, looking up to meet his eyes for a second. “I hope this goes well for you.” Your heart melted at his words, reaching over to give his shoulder a gentle squeeze. “Me too because if I’m honest, I’m tired or watching you two shoot love arrows with your eyes.” Chaewon said as she got out of his car.

Both you and Heeseung got out of the car, making your way into the NCT Fraternity house. Heeseung was always one step behind you, playing into the whole idea that he was your plus one for the night. You could see some familiar faces throughout the crowd, looking around to see if you could spot one of your friends lingering around. “You two have fun, I’m gonna go find a drink.” Chaewon said, barely audible over the music before she slipped off into the crowd. “You’re not weird are you?” Your question makes Heeseung laugh, shaking his head as you seem pleased with his answer. You grabbed his hand, pulling him toward the side of the house where the kitchen and typically a pool table was at.

Just as you turn a corner, you spot Renjun and Winter talking over by the kitchen entrance. “I found some of my friends.” You said, getting a nod from Heeseung as you made your way through the crowd. “There she is!” Winter said a little louder than you expected. She throws her arms over your shoulders, pulling you into a hug. You smile, returning the hug as she laughs into your hair. “Do I know you?” Renjun asks, immediately eyeing Heeseung down. “He’s my plus one, Jun this is Heeseung, Heeseung this is Renjun.” You say, prying Winter’s arms from around you.

You fidget under Renjun’s questioning gaze, knowing he has more questions that you’d rather not answer. He senses your shift in demeanor, rolling his shoulders back in attempts to relax. “Did you already meet up with Haechan?” He says to which you answer him no. “Last time I saw him, he was somewhere out near the rooms.” You nod, bidding goodbye as you decide to take the way through the kitchen to avoid less people. “People have been eyeing us since we walked in, just a heads up.” Heeseung says as he leaned down near your ear. You start to turn to face him as someone behind you nearly knocks you over.

You shut your eyes, waiting for the impact of the floor to hit until you realize someone is holding you up, or rather someone. You can smell Haechan’s cologne behind you, making your lips instantly curl up into a smile. Just as you’re about to say something, you follow his hard gaze to Heeseung who was holding onto your wrist and hip. “Are you okay y/n?” Heeseung’s voice snaps you out of the fog that the situation puts your head in. You nod, standing up with a little more effort as Haechan’s eyes move between the two of you. “Why are you still touching her?” Haechan’s tone was something you’ve never heard before. He genuinely looked like a million things were going through his head and one of them was about to be directed to the boy beside you.

“I was helping her up, who are you again?” Heeseung asked, feeling slightly intimidated and confused as to why the boy in front of you looked like he was going to go to war for you. “I’m her best friend, Haechan, you are who again?” You put one hand on his chest, feeling how tense he was as he took deep and shaky breaths. “Heeseung, her date for the night.” When you felt his warm hand on your shoulder, you didn’t know whether to push him away or accept the warmth. “Do you mind if I steal your date then?” Heeseung looked at you, asking through his eyes if you were okay. When you gave him a nod, he slowly backed away and eventually made his way through the crowd.

Haechan grabbed your hand as soon as Heeseung was out of sight, bringing you along the back of the house and into the back yard. You immediately start to rub your arms due to the slight breeze blowing your way. “Wanna explain who the fuck that was or do I need to guess?” You were genuinely shocked by his sudden hostility, crossing your arms over your chest. “Excuse you? What’s your deal hyuck, he’s just a friend that came with me to the party.” Haechan laughed, a little too unsettling for you to digest before he looked back at you. “Oh so he’s a friend huh? Is that what you do with all your friends now, nearly kiss them in your fucking bed before moving on to the next?”

You felt so many emotions that took the blow from his words. You could feel your eyes start to sting as you drop your arms. “You’ve been fucking some girl or many to be exact so why the hell does it matter when one guy caught my attention, huh?” This seemed to set Haechan off more than you’ve ever seen. His cheeks were a slight shade of pink from both his anger and the bite of winter winds. “You’re in love with me y/n, we all see it and yet you go fucking around with other guys so you might as well not feelings for me!” You couldn’t tell if the city around you went silent or were his words just that loud, but you could hear your heart shatter inside your chest.

Haechan didn’t seem to register his words until he looked up at your broken expression. The tears that were now flowing freely down your cheeks stained your skin as you let go of your clenched fists. “So you knew..and you didn’t say anything?” You couldn’t bear to look him in the eye, feeling almost embarrassed at how easily you had been strung along. “Y/n, I didn’t mean it like-“ “You knew how I felt about you and instead of rejecting me you played around with girls in front of me?” You didn’t notice how close he was getting to you till he was within arms reach, so you stepped back. “Please let me explain, I’ll-“ You couldn’t be here any longer, you didn’t want to see him nor did you want anyone to see you like this.

“Fuck you donghyuck.”

IV. WHEN YOU’RE GONE

You inevitably spent weeks dodging Haechan at all costs. Since the night at the party where you two had a major falling out, you’ve spent your days in class and headed right back to your dorm if the coast was clear. If it wasn’t your roommate, it was one of your friends who kept an eye out for Haechan lingering around your door. From what they were trying to tell you, he sounded pretty desperate to see you, but you just weren’t ready yet. You stayed huddled up away from your usual spots where you know he could find you and slip away whenever you could.

Your pillow had become your best friend when you couldn’t stop yourself from crying each time your mind wandered back to that night. Chaewon did her best to comfort you and even laid with you on some nights till you fell asleep, but nothing she did could fill the void in your heart that had been caused by Lee Haechan himself. You were so hurt, so many questions that you had for him and you’d be damned if he didn’t answer them. More than that, you were confused as to why he did what he did with the information he had. He could’ve told you he wasn’t interested, he could’ve causally kept you in the friend zone instead of giving you the slightest bit of hope.

You were starting to get a headache as you sat on your bed, scrolling through videos on your phone. When the caller ID came down, you saw that Heeseung was calling you so you picked up. “I’m glad to see you’re still alive”. He says, laughing a little to lighten the mood. You let out a soft sigh, fiddling with the blanket between your fingers. “If that’s what this is called then consider me living like Larry.” When the line went silent, you could practically feel the disappointment through the phone. “Didn’t like that one?” You said, laughing as Heeseung let out a heavy sigh. “That was so bad, so so bad y/n.”

“Hyuck would’ve gotten it.” You mumbled, hoping he didn’t hear you as the tears you thought would have dried up start to reappear. “He misses you.” All of a sudden, you couldn’t think. The thought of him missing you wasn’t hard to imagine, but it made your heart ache so much more when you let yourself feel bad for creating such distance between you two. “He comes to I guess his friend’s room just down from mine and from what I’ve seen, he looks rough.” The two of you went silent once again, only untold thoughts filling in the gaps of the conversation. Heeseung takes a deep breath, about to say something when you hear a knock at your door.

“Coming!” You yell out, getting out of bed while wiping your face with your sleeve. “Are you expecting someone?” Heeseung asks through the phone, strumming on his guitar. “I ordered takeout earlier.” He only hums, bidding farewell as you throw your phone onto the bed and go to open the door. As you open the door, you don't know how exactly to react when you see Haechan standing in front of you holding what you assume is your takeout. “I paid him extra to let me be the one to deliver it, he kinda looked at me like I was insane, but he got a good tip.” He said, trying to get any form of a smile out of you.

You stare at him, nodding slowly as you take in his appearance. He looked a little thinner, the bags under his eyes slightly darker and his hair not as shiny as you remember it. Instinctively, you want to reach out and touch his cheek, but you hold back and try to figure out what to say from here. “Can I come in?” He says, fidgeting with the plastic bags in his hand. You can’t pinpoint what washed over you for you to step aside and let him in, but you’d have to face him eventually so opting for it now isn’t that bad of an idea. He looks around the room as if he’s never been inside, trying to find little things that he might’ve missed. To him, nothing changed. Your pictures of your friends are still up on the wall, your desktop is still oddly as neat as ever and the picture you two took on his family vacation is still in its frame next to your bed.

“What are you doing here?” The lump in your throat was keeping you from speaking any louder than a not so soft whisper. When he finally turned back to you, he could see how his much presence had affected you. “I needed to talk to you, I can’t keep going on like this without seeing you y/n.” You didn’t wanna be a fool, hesitant to accept the truth lying behind his words. Instead, you cross your arms and press for more out of him. “So then talk, but if you’re gonna waste my time then you might as well go now.” He sets the bag on your desktop, running his free hand through his hair as he gathers his thoughts.

With a deep, shaky breath, he meets your eyes and in that moment he felt like the world around him was falling apart. “I want to start off by saying how sorry I am for being the biggest asshole in the world. I never meant to hurt you or make you feel like I was stringing you along because I couldn’t get it shit together and figure out my feelings for you.” You try to keep it together, wiping away the tears that threaten to fall down your cheeks as he continues. “I love you y/n, you’re my best friend in this entire world and I can’t- I can’t stand not being next to you anymore.” His voice sounded strained, as if he couldn’t get the words out.

“I was scared to admit that I had the same feelings you had for me and I know that sounds like a fucked up excuse, but I mean it when I say I love you. Jealousy took over the worst part of me and when I saw you with any guy, I felt like you’d fall for them and leave me.” You could tell he was crying, his hands were constantly wiping away his tears and brushing them on his cheeks. Your heart was broken, you never imagined that you’d be having this conversation with Haechan, let alone watching him cry and be so emotional with you. He walked toward you, trying to control his emotions while taking your hands into his.

“I don’t wanna know what it’s like when you’re not here, when you’re gone it’s like I’ve lost a part of me I’ll never get back and I know I don’t deserve any of it, but if you can forgive me, I promise I’ll make it up to you.” You were a little taken aback by his sudden confession and the overall moment. You wanted to believe him and take him into your arms as if nothing had happened, but you were still very much hurt and cautious for your fragile heart. When he felt your arms wrap around him, he blinks away the tears. “Promise me that you’ll never do some dumb shit like that again and maybe we’ll talk about this being more.”

Hearing his soft laugh made your heart swell. You couldn’t tell if you had done something right in your past life or if you were just this lucky to have him with you, but you were hoping nothing would change. “I promise as long as you promise to never let me go.” You lift your head, bringing one hand to his cheek. “I promise, you better be lucky I love you.” He smiles, leaning into your touch while closing in on the space between you two. “I am extremely lucky to be loved by you and to only love you.”

©️liliansun., 2022

[stayarmytinyzenmoa-l]

And That's Okay

University AU TW: Language, University Struggles, Sexual Orientation Struggles, Strained Parental Relationships, Slight Implications of Body Dysmorphia, Angst (No Comfort), Reader implied to have anxiety, Codependent relationship, Implications of a toxic relationship, Smoking, Hookup culture Smut Warnings: F/F Sex, Oral (giving and receiving), fingering, first-time receiving anything and everything, loss of virginity, mentions of penetrative sex, mentions of dildo and various other usage of sex toys, F/M Sex, blowjobs, drunk sex, protected sex, penetrative sex, sloppy makeouts Genre: Romance, Drama, Angst, Smut Pairing: Jeon Somi x Reader ft. Na Jaemin Y/N Pronouns: Female (She/Her) Word Count: 27.3K Summary: University is when you find out things about yourself. You will find out things you'd already known and you will find out things that you didn't want to know, and oftentimes that is through the help of others who you grow close to and learn to love. But nothing lasts forever, and that's okay.

[Other Groups Masterlist] Notes: HAHA I GOT IT DONE IN TIME FOR HER COMEBACK! So, yeah, full disclosure this is heavily based off of my own experiences coming to terms with myself but obviously it's also super fucking exaggerated because it is fanfic lmao I gotta make it entertaining somehow. But, without further ado, enjoy! Disclaimer: Please remember that this is an AU and a work of fiction, obviously the idols mentioned/written about in this story would never partake in these actions. The idols mentioned in this work are meant to be seen more as face claims rather than the actual idols themselves.

Feedback is greatly appreciated!! Thank you for reading!

“Yeah, we’re together.”

“Oh, I’m happy for you,” you smiled. Your friend had been seeing this guy for a while now, and you were the fortunate one who had listened to her the entire time. Sweet as it may be, you were glad that she’d finally mustered the courage to say yes to his constant probings. You were happy for her, truly, you were in love with the way she smiled now and the way she spoke about him, you could see it in everything that she did, she really was in love with him. The way her hair bounced when she nodded her head, the way her lips would turn up so slightly, and the way that smile still reached her eyes. You were happy for her, really, you were.

“Thank you, (Y/N)! I only have you to thank, really, you’ve been helping me out with this since day one and… ahh,” she rubs the back of her neck bashfully. Her hair parted slightly under her hands, revealing the soft skin beneath it while she did so and the light tinge of her cheeks sent your heart racing. “(Y/N)? Everything alright? I mean, I know, it must be annoying to hear me gush about him all the time,” she asks with a small laugh.

“Yeah, fine, no, that’s okay. You like him, right?”

“I do! But, I mean, we haven’t really labeled our relationship yet because, I mean, I’m still getting to know him,” she continued on. Her voice, though melodious to you always, drowned out in the sea of your thoughts. “Oh, shoot, (Y/N), I lost track of time, I have to head out,” she glances at her phone, the lone notification on it telling you everything you needed to know. “Same time next week?” She asks.

“Yeah, I’m always free,” you nodded. 

“Do you want me to walk you to your car? I know you don’t like to be alone,” she says it with a painful jab. But it was the truth. You hated walking alone as much as you hated being alone but, still, you shook your head.

“I think I’ll stay here for a bit longer.”

“Sounds good, get home safe, (Y/N)!” She packs her things.

“You too. Bye,” you waved and watched her go, leaving you sitting in the café. Goodbye.

That’s how you said goodbye to your first love.

The time was 2:30 pm in the afternoon. In a quiet café, seated at the counter near the very back, and with no more patrons than fingers on one of your hands. You could hear coffee brewing behind you, and the playlist of the day was soft jazz. The cup just a finger away had long gotten cold, forgotten as you listened to your friend’s love story, and your tablet just minutes from dying. You looked down at your notes and read through a few lines, but you didn’t know what to do, you didn’t know what to think. You were heartbroken, sure, you had to be. Your first love, the person you had fallen in love with years before and the person who you continued to love, had found someone else. Someone else who made her smile wider than before, someone else who she found herself thinking of at random points of the day, and someone else who made her feel happier than before. And that someone wasn’t you. It was your fault, really. How could she ever come to love you if you’ve never in mustered the courage to even come out to her? You couldn’t breeze through love with another woman the same way you could with another man.

You were so happy for her, she deserved this so much. But, god, when will it be your turn?

You turned your tablet off and started to pack your things. Might as well go home, then. You only agreed to go out today because she was the one who asked.

“Thank you,” you nodded your head toward the barista before heading out. It was only six in the evening, but still the sun had long set. People moved around you, couples, families, and friends alike. You pulled your hood over your backpack and started to move toward your car. Once you got there, you sat at the driver’s seat and locked your doors. Your keys remained in your hand, however, and instead of starting the car, you relaxed against your seat and sighed.

That was truly the end, wasn’t it? You checked your phone and saw the message from her. She arrived home safely. You smiled, but quickly caught yourself as you liked her message and tossed your phone on the passenger’s seat.

You said goodbye to your first love, and now you can focus on her friendship instead. Good for you, and good for her.

~

“I thought you said that dating apps weren’t your thing, (Y/N),” your classmate chimes.

“Eh, figured I’d give it a shot,” you continued to mindlessly swipe. It was true, you were more into meeting people “organically” but, well with today’s day and age, this seemed to be the more sufficient way to do things. Your classmate peered over your shoulder and you turned the screen away from him, but not before he could see who you’d hesitated over.

“Whoa, (Y/N), I didn’t know you swung for that team,” he says, disappointment in his voice.

“I mean… yeah, I like girls and guys, so what?” You shrugged, turning your phone off instead. The confession felt weird. Had you ever said it before? No, not really, you were just annoyed that the first person you technically came out to was a boy you’d just met a few minutes earlier.

“Then, why don’t we go out on a date then?” He teases.

“I’m not really into dating right now,” you said.

“Then why are you on Tinder?” He asks.

“Just cuz,” you shrugged. You just didn’t want to date him. Before he could respond, the sounds of rustling backpacks signaled the end of class. “See you next week,” you chucked your things into your bag before rushing off. You didn’t want to delve into a conversation you didn’t have time for, much less with someone who gave you massive icks with everything he said. While you made your way to your next lecture, you opened your phone again, looking at the profile you’d just hovered over.

Somi Douma, 21. She had a few pictures you could tap through. She’s really pretty, you had to admit that much. Pisces, in college, looking for something short but open to long, love language is touch, not into smoking, not into drugs. Her profile was so much like the others you’d swiped left on before, but something really stood out to you on it. You swiped right on it.

It's a match! You felt your heart stop. You? She swiped right on you before? No way. Not with the random, half a year old selfies you chose to populate your profile with. You didn’t even look all that good in them what with no makeup or fancy hairdos. You put your phone away and rushed to lecture. You couldn’t understand the cold feet you suddenly got, shouldn’t you feel some sort of validation? Some kind of joy from getting a match? You swallowed harshly. Had you ever gone on a date with another woman before? Had you ever gone on a date before? You squeezed your hands together and entered your next lecture, taking the first seat you found open.

“Hey, (Y/N),” your study group finds you easily and your first friend, Keeho, was the one to call out to you. Then three others took their seats around you. “Everything alright?” He asks you.

“Uh, yeah,” you answered vaguely. You chewed on the inside of your cheek. “Just worried about how I’m going to study for this class,” you mumbled. Keeho eyed you wearily, but decided to leave the subject. Maybe it was you being full of yourself, but you could swear you saw the admiration in his eyes. It was the same way you’d look at your first love but you knew for a fact that you didn’t even want to try anything with him. It was hard enough to make friends in college, you could only imagine how hard it would be to lose them. Your phone buzzed in your pocket and you stole a quick glance. Big mistake on your part, the ‘Tinder’ tag line and the simple ‘New Message from Somi’ nearly sent you into cardiac arrest. You put your phone away and covered the lower half of your face with your hand, but this didn’t go unnoticed to your other friend.

“(Y/N)?” Yeji places a hand on your shoulder. “All good?” She asks.

“Just fine,” you told her with a heated face and a racing heart. You didn’t expect either of you to make the first move, granted, and you definitely didn’t expect to see a message just minutes after you matched together, it was too sudden. Making that account was supposed to be a joke, a spur of the moment thing you did with your friend, the same one you’d crushed on before and the one you’re one sidedly getting over too. You never expected to use this app seriously, and you definitely didn’t expect to find someone at all.

“Earth to (Y/N),” Jaemin leaned down and waved his hand, pulling you back into reality. “Your shit’s in the way,” he eyes your backpack.

“Oh, shit, sorry, Jaem,” you pulled your bag into your lap and, ahh there it went, your phone landed on the floor and the screen lit up, the Tinder notification taunting you, but you were fast to pick it up while everyone was preoccupied talking to Jaemin about the content in today’s lecture.

Close call, you shook your head and joined in with them.

But why did you even feel shame about it in the first place?

~

You looked at the lone notification on your phone sent now six hours ago. You didn’t know what to do with it. You didn’t think that anyone would swipe on your profile, much less someone as attractive as her. But you steeled yourself, laying down in your bedroom, you tapped on the notif and Tinder opened right up.

‘Hi, I’m Somi! I see we matched :) Why don’t we get to know each other better? 20 questions?’

You typed out a response.

‘Hi! I’m (Y/N). I’d love to get to know you better, I’m down. Should I ask the first question?’

‘Yeah, shoot!’ Her response was immediate and you thought for a second.

‘Are you bisexual too?’  It was missing from her profile, her sexuality you mean. But, to be fair, so was yours.

‘Lesbian, actually. How about you?’

‘That counts as a question! I’m bi… I think.’

‘You think? You just asked if I was.’

‘I’m not sure yet.’ There was a pause before her response.

‘Do you want to find out?’

‘I mean… yeah.’

‘Haha, you’re cute! Okay, I think I see why you joined this app now lol. After this game, wanna meet up?’

You looked around your bedroom. You were a commuter student, and one who, of course, couldn’t fucking drive. 

“(Y/N)!” Your mom’s voice was sudden. “Dinner’s downstairs!”

“I’ll be there, mom!” You answered back. You looked at your phone.

‘Sure, maybe not today, though, I’m already at home.’

‘? Do you commute?’

‘Yeah, I’m like twenty ish miles away from my campus.’

‘Ohhh, where do you go to school?’

‘BLU! You?’

‘No wayyyyy same!’

You paused. She was closer than you thought.

‘What major?’

‘Mathematics. You?’

‘Biochemistry.’

‘Whoaaaa I’ve matched with a genius, huh?’

‘Math’s cool, though, I could never, I lose my mind over trig alone!’

‘Same, lol! But still, it’s crazy to think that we’re so close.’

‘I know! What year? If you don’t mind me asking.’

‘It’s one of your 20, so why not lol? I’m a third year. You?’

‘Aha… first year…’

‘Whoaaaaaa so you’re fresh into the college scheme, huh?’

‘A little, yeah.’

‘Aww, I remember when I first started out too! Hey, if you’re comfortable with it then we should meet up!’

Again, you stopped typing. Was this how dating was supposed to go about? Then again, she was looking for something casual, so you had to take that into account, and you wanted to know if your loveless life was due to you pursuing the wrong gender this whole time. All of grade school you’d gone without once being liked romantically, and to those flitting crushes you did garner the courage for they all laughed at your confessions, was this really your only chance at feeling wanted? You placed your phone on your chest and sighed, but then you felt it vibrate once more.

‘If it’s too soon don’t worry about it! We’re basically strangers, is all, and I’d like to get to know you better. Your profile says that you’re looking for something short and casual, right?’

‘Uh… yeah. To be honest I wasn’t 100% sure what it meant.’

‘Aww! A freshman indeed! Do you want the full graphic answer?’

You felt your face start to burn up. She sent you another message before you could type anything more.

‘I mean, it doesn’t have to be sexual. We can do cuddle buddies instead.’ You didn’t even think it had anything to do with sex. Short and casual? You had no idea what that would have entailed at all. Even with some thought into it you couldn’t piece it together.

‘Cuddle buddies?’

‘Yeah. It’s like FWB except without the sex lol.’ Never mind, you knew exactly what ‘short and casual’ meant now.

‘Well…’

‘You’re an adult, right? Your profile says so but I just want to be sure.’

‘I am!’

‘Okay! Just checking! But it’s up to you. Then again, you can just delete this convo and pretend that nothing happened.’

‘I don’t want to do that…’

‘Okay then! Just let me know, don’t leave me hanging, (Y/N)! Plus, you seem so chill compared to others on this app so I’d like to at least be friends!’

‘Yeah, ofc! I’ll have to text you later tho, to finish the game, I mean!’

‘Yeah, no prob! I’ll text you later <;3’

And the conversation ended. You placed your phone on the nightstand next to you and rolled over in your blankets. Something casual? Friendship? Something… sexual? You shuddered. You didn’t even think about it that way. You were still a virgin, no experience, no thoughts, you’d never really paid too much mind to doing anything like that. Well, you’d done some masturbation here and there, who hasn’t by this age? But nothing with another person. Your face was burning up now, something you tried to cool down by turning your pillow over and laying face down on it.

“(Y/N)?” Your mom calls you down again. “Dinner!”

“I’ll be there!” You answered.

There’s the other problem. You’re not out to anyone, well, except for that stranger who wouldn’t leave you alone earlier. What would your parents think of you? They worked so hard to help you get to where you are today, they are working so hard to help you achieve your dreams, what would they think of you if you told them this? As much as you loved your parents, and truly you did, you knew their thoughts and opinions on homosexuality and how its representation is being handled in today’s age. The words of your mother rang clear.

‘Honey, it’s okay if you are, but I’d prefer you not to be.’ And you stood by those words all your life. Such a small statement that she said to you when your best friend came out, and one that you hardly talk to anymore. She said that to you when you were in middle school and now here you were, in college, and probably, most likely, very gay. Who the hell says that to a thirteen year old anyway?

Well, actually, your mom apparently. You couldn’t blame her, though, considering the state of politics at that time. She was a mother who was afraid of what would happen to her daughter for being who she was, and you couldn’t fault her for that intention, you could only fault her for the execution.

Then, rapid knocks at your door lead you to shove your phone under your pillow just in time for it to swing open.

“Hey! Mom’s calling us! Let’s go before she comes up here,” your younger sibling urges you to follow.

“Yeah, I’ll be there,” you scrambled off your bed and ran downstairs, leaving your phone behind.

~

“Okay, just something casual, cuddle buddies, yup, just something casual, cuddle buddies, mmhmm,” you recited to yourself.

The time was 12:00 pm in the afternoon. The sun was high in the sky and the air was heavy with a dry heat. And here you were, standing in front of an apartment unit. You started having second thoughts, was it really a good idea to play into dating app culture? Was it a good idea to agree to meet up with Somi in person? What if you’d just been catphished? What if she’s a crazy axe murderer looking for her next victim? What if you just didn’t vibe with her in person versus through text? Was it too late to turn around and say that you couldn’t find her apartment? Well, yes, you did ring the doorbell already so there was no way you could turn back now.

Then, as soon as the door in front of you opened, you felt your mind blank.

“Hi! Uh…” The woman who opened the door looked you up and down before snapping her fingers, “(Y/N), right?”

“Yup, that’s me,” you answered in a higher tone.

‘Kill me now,’ your internal thoughts shouted at you.

“Wow, I knew you were cuter in person,” Somi laughs. “Come in, come in, but leave your shoes by the door in here too,” she points to the shoe rack absently while walking in. You followed her close behind, pausing only to slip your converse off, and continuing on. “I know, it’s a small place, but at least I have it to myself,” she speaks up. “How was the drive here?”

“Oh, uh, I walked actually.”

“You walked?!” She turned to you briefly with a shocked look on her face. “It’s, like, a hundred degrees outside!”

“Yeah, but, uh, I was on campus so it was just easier,” you shrugged.

“Hold on, hon, let me get you some water! You can sit wherever,” she gestured broadly and walked into the kitchen. You took the liberty of sitting down on the couch while you watched her move about from the other side of the counter, from pulling a glass from the upper cabinet to pouring a bottle of water from next to the fridge. You heard the cubes of ice clink against the glass as she walked back to you and placed it on the coffee table in front of you, just inches away from some fashion magazine she had. “So… tell me about yourself,” she says with a light tone.

“Oh, um…” This felt a little strange. Normally, weren’t first dates in cafes or bookstores? Come to think of it, you vaguely remembered a PSA saying something about not going to stranger’s houses for first dates. Was this a good idea? Did you make a good choice? What were you doing here again? Why? Huh? You felt like you’d enclosed yourself and built up another wall. You were afraid of opening up to this woman, this person you’d just met. Why did you think it was a good idea to come into her home? Dense. It’s like you forgot all the Crime Watch Dailys and 20/20 episodes your mom made you watch with her.

“(Y/N)?”

“Oh, um,” you repeated yourself and shook your head. “Sorry,” you shook your head.

“No, no, it’s okay!” She waved her hand in front of her. “You’re new to this kind of thing, huh?” She asks.

“Yeah… very,” you admitted. “I’m sorry, I know you were probably expecting something else but…”

“No, it’s fine!” She reassures you. “To be honest, I’m not too experienced either. I actually recently moved here! I transferred to BLU this year,” she says.

“Oh? From where?”

“I was raised in Korea, actually,” she nods.

“Korea? Wow!” You commented. “So why did you transfer here then? That States are so far away,” you shook your head slightly.

“Aw, you know, the usual! I wanted to get out and be independent from my parents for a bit, go on an adventure, and, hell why not, get my degree while doing it,” she says. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love them a lot! And they were really supportive of me coming out here so I have to be grateful, but, you know how it goes.”

“I do, I do, I wish I tried harder to convince my parents to let me move out for at least a year,” you shook your head.

“Oh! You’re commuting?”

“Yup, and, of course, I don’t have my license so that’s probably why they encouraged me to stay home too,” you sighed with a slight eye roll.

“Awh, but that’s so sweet that your parents care like that,” she says.

“Yeah, I guess,” you nodded slightly and you rubbed your arms up and down. “So, uh, why math?” You changed the subject.

“Oh, I’m terrible at it, like, really really bad at math,” she laughs, “but I love a challenge! And math is such a challenge, my god, I have fun with it so I decided to major in it,” she says. “And you? Biochemistry is a toughie.”

“God, you don’t even know,” you held your head with one hand before letting it fall to your lap again. Somehow, you found yourself relaxing into this conversation, any awkwardness you felt earlier started to fall away. “I’m on the premed route, actually, and biochem was just that fastest way to complete my pre-reqs,” you explained.

“Oo, premed? That’s cool!” She whistles. “You always wanted to be a doctor?”

“I mean, I guess, I had a phase where I wanted to be an astronaut, actually.”

“Didn’t we all?” She laughs. “Well, I wanted to be a stewardess for a while, but then I realized I hate flying,” she shakes her head.

“I found out I had motion sickness so I tossed that idea out really quickly,” you laughed along with her while holding your glass of water. The ice had long melted already and all that was left was the cool condensation surrounding the glass.

“You know what, (Y/N), you’re really cool,” she says softly. “I’m glad we matched.”

“Me too, it’s been kind of rough meeting new people since I started here a couple weeks ago,” you nodded.

“Yeah, that’s right, I haven’t really found my crowd either. I have groups here and there, but no one I’d definitely call a ‘good’ friend,” she says. Did you even have one? Well, the closest would be that study group you had now, the bonds from orientation apparently are very strong. “But, I dunno, you seem sweet so I’m sure people will gravitate toward you,” she smiles.

“Yeah?”

“Oh, yeah!” She says with a wide smile. “Say, why don’t we finish up that game? We still have a couple questions left.”

“Sounds good, you can go first,” you invited her.

“Nice,” she thinks for a moment, “when was your first kiss?” She asks. You drank some of your water.

“You can’t laugh.”

“I won’t!”

“Two months ago,” you said after taking a deep breath.

“Two?!” She gasps. You nodded curtly. “Whoa…”

“And you?”

“Middle school, on accident, I slipped on the wet floor and fell on top of this guy,” she laughed.

“Holy shit, that sounds like it’d hurt! For me it was in orientation. My roommate was a lesbian and she asked if me or out third liked girls too and I told her I wasn’t sure so she asked if I wanted to find out and I said yeah and… well, here I am,” you explained.

“Wow… and you’ll never know if she was a good kisser.”

“I didn’t hate it!”

“But you have no one to go on,” Somi reasons. She wasn’t wrong. You weren’t 100% sure how you were supposed to go about a kiss anyway, you just let your roommate at the time take control and you went with it. “Okay, okay, let’s settle it down a little. Coffee or tea?”

“Coffee, definitely.”

“Right, biochem.”

“You?”

“I’ve really been into tea lately!”

“Right, math,” you laughed.

“Hey! It’s good for you,” she fires back. “Okay, hm, what do you think of me so far?”

“I think you’re very nice,” you answered. “But, I’ll be honest, I was a little worried when you asked me to meet you at your apartment,” you admitted. “Respectfully, I barely know you.”

“No, you’re right! As soon as I sent that text I was like ‘God! What was I thinking?’ and here you are!” She gestures toward you. “I’m glad you agreed, though, I hope I’m not too awkward.”

“You? Awkward?” You were in disbelief. She’d only been sweet and, if anything, she’s carrying the conversation. “I’m sorry for being awkward,” you corrected.

“Oh, please, I just thought you were being polite,” she says. “Say, I don’t want to ruin the mood or anything, but were you serious about cuddle buddies?”

Whoops, you forgot about that.

“I mean… I’m down to try it,” and suddenly you felt your walls building again. “But could you run by me what we’d be doing again?” You asked, diverting your eyes only slightly before looking at her again.

“Sure, we’d just be cuddling,” she explains. “No strings attached, we’d just call or text one another when we need some affection and then voila, we cuddle,” she continues.

“That’s it?”

“Yup. I mean, unless you want something more out of it, but I’m perfectly fine with just keeping it as friendly cuddling.”

Friendly? Were you even looking for something romantic? Was she? Were you? Did you even know how to notice those cues?

“Did you want something romantic?” You asked. She thought for a moment.

“To be honest… not right now,” she shook her head. “I’m still getting into the swing of things in this new university, but at the same time, I, uh…” she trails off while she squeezes her arms. “I don’t know. Haven’t you had times where you just wanted to be held?”

Of course.

“Yeah, I get it, we can do that then, cuddle buddies,” you answered.

“Okay then! The deal is set,” she nods.

“I might be awkward at first, though, I have to admit I’ve never really cuddled anyone before.”

“Really? Oh, (Y/N), you’re missing out!” She says. “I mean, we don’t have to try it today, but I’m just saying, it’s a really nice experience.”

“I’ll hold you to that, then,” you glanced at your watch, something she easily caught onto.

“I didn’t mean to keep you if you had anything,” she mumbled.

“Oh, no, it’s nothing. I just um… can’t drive, so my parents pick me up,” you explained. “So I should probably start heading back to campus,” you cleared your throat.

“Yeah, I get it! Have a safe walk back and thanks again for agreeing to meet with me! I’ll walk you to the door,” she says before following you up. “We’ll text later?”

“Of course,” you nodded and she opened the door for you.

“Bye, now!”

“See you.” She waved at you one last time before closing the door. Afterwards, you pivoted on your heel and walked off toward the apartment’s staircase, a strange warm feeling enveloping in your chest and a small smile on your face.

Okay, so maybe that wasn’t the train wreck you were afraid it’d be, actually, you’d say it went really well. Then, as you reached the bottom of the stairs and stepped out of the complex, your phone buzzed in your pocket. You shot a quick glance at it.

‘Heyyy! Look up behind you!’ You did so and Somi waved at you from her balcony. You waved back with a smile and she pointed to her phone again before shooting you another message. This time it was a picture of her schedule, something which you responded with a picture of your own as you walked off, chancing another look back to see her waiting for you to go. Again, you waved, and she waved back. Then, with you back turned to her, you continued down the sidewalk back to campus.

In no time at all, you were at the pickup area, spotting your dad’s car waiting for you. As soon as he saw you approaching, he moved out of the driver’s seat and into the passenger side and you felt your shoulders slump. It’s not that you dreaded these mini driving lessons, it’s more like it was too hot for you to even think about them.

Then again, if you got your license sooner, maybe you’d be able to meet up with Somi more? That’d be nice, you really enjoyed your time with her earlier.

“How was you day?” Your dad asked as soon as you slid into the car. Amazing.

“Good and… hot,” you answered while putting your seatbelt on. “Why’d you ask?”

“You just look like something good happened,” he answered. You pulled the car out of park and into drive. “Check your mirrors.”

“Oh, right,” you adjusted them.

“Always put the car on ‘park’ before you do that. Your car might roll forward.”

“Right, right.”

“And always step on the brake pedal too.”

“Got it, dad.”

“Look over your shoulder before you go.”

“I know.”

The extent of all your conversations with him have just been this. Driving. You were grateful he was teaching you but sometimes it felt so hard to talk to him about anything else.

~ You both continued to text back and forth after that. But you hadn’t met up, no, the extent of your friendship had been exchanged via Tinder. More and more questions back and forth, the occasional TikTok, and every now and then the late night texts asking each other seemingly pointless questions, and it was like that for almost two weeks. Your schedules actually lined up really well, given the two year difference, and a lot of gaps between your classes lined up with hers. So it wasn’t like you couldn’t meet up, more like neither of you had the opportunity or maybe either of you were too shy to make the first move after that initial meeting.

“Holy shit that lecture was so boring,” Yeji yawned next to you.

“Don’t even get me started,” Keeho rubbed his tired face.

“God, it’s only week four,” you muttered into your hands. “Is Jaemin still with us?” You looked over at the fourth member of the study group, but he walked along silently with his eyes glued forward.

“Nope,” Keeho laughs. “Let’s go get some coffee. (Y/N) you’re down to study with us after English, right?” He asks.

“Uh… let me ask,” you pulled your phone out, sending a quick text to your mom asking to stay longer to study with them. Her response was near immediate, green lighting it for you. “Yeah, I’m good to go. Where are we studying at?”

“Probably the Sciences Library,” Yeji answers.

“Sounds like a plan,” you nodded. “You guys grabbing lunch?”

“I’m down,” Keeho shrugs.

“I’m hungry,” Jaemin adds.

“Darn, I have econ, I’ll meet you guys after if you’re still together!” Yeji says.

“Yeah, okay,” you waved at her while she bounded off toward her next lecture hall.

“Let’s eat, I have meal swipes if you guys want to go to the dorms,” Keeho pulls his ID out.

“Sure, I’ll follow you there,” Jaemin nods. “(Y/N)?”

“Um…” You’d seen enough Crime Watch Daily to know this was probably a bad idea. Not that you didn’t trust them, but they were two guys significantly more built than you taking you to a dorm room.

“We could always just eat on campus if the walk’s too far,” Keeho, seemingly sensing your unease, came up with the alternative.

“Yeah, let’s do that,” you agreed.

“Nice, I’ve been wanting to try that pizza place anyway,” he leads the way and the two of you follow behind. “We have five hours until English, god,” he slumps his shoulders. “Talk about a waste of time.”

“I usually spend these gaps napping in my dorm, but I always end up sleeping in,” Jaemin yawns. “I bet you have it harder though, (Y/N), you commute.”

“Yeah, I can’t even go home because by the time I get there I’ll have to go back to campus. I usually just spend these gaps in the library,” you walked faster to keep pace with them.

“Shoot, I should be doing that too,” Keeho whines.

“What have you been doing, Keeho?”

“Spacing out,” he cries. “How are you two studying?”

“Good faith,” Jaemin answers.

“Notes revisions,” you sighed.

“Oh, good, I thought I was too far behind,” Keeho holds the door open for the both of you now as you enter the food hub. He checks his phone as he closes the door, skimming over the flurry of texts that filled his screen. “Damn, there’s a meeting for dance club soon, I completely forgot,” he shakes his head.

“How soon? Are you still studying with us later?” You ask.

“Uh… yeah, I should be able to study with you all for like… an hour,” his eyes move up in thought.

“Hell, we need you, Keeho! You’re the only one who knows what’s going on!” You exclaimed.

“Not even, I’m as average as everyone else,” he retaliates. Jaemin says something next, but whatever it was you weren’t paying attention. No, you were more preoccupied with the girl who was waiting next to the Chinese food station. Somi’s eyes were glued to her phone, and every so now and then when she scrolled the charm attached to it would hit her bracelet. She looked up at her phone briefly and made eye contact with you and you smiled, and she waved, and you waved back. “Earth to (Y/N), we need to come up with a study plan,” Keeho pulls you out of your thoughts and follows your gaze, seeing nothing, he refocuses back on the trio.

“Study plan, right,” you glanced at Somi, who was one again focused on her phone. “Why don’t we go old school and start with unit one?”

“I will kill myself if I have to read one more passage about the cell’s organelles,” Jaemin deadpans.

“How about we stick to the study questions then?” Keeho offers. The conversation continues, but instead you look to your side again, watching Somi pick up her food, wave at you once, then leave before you could wave back.

God, was that it? Was that the only in-person experience you’d had with her over these past weeks? That’s kind of pathetic. You started drawing scribbles with your finger against the table while resting your chin on your other hand. You’d spent all day today, yesterday, and probably will again tomorrow just thinking about her. Through your exchanged texts you started associating her with everything. Even reading the word ‘Hazelnut’ under the Lattes section of the campus café made you think about her. What was she doing now? On her schedule it said she was in some advanced mathematics lab in an hour, so there’s that.

You barely even noticed the day pass by until English lecture had ended, leaving the four of you in the library to study for your bio quiz tomorrow together.

“Oh, shoot,” Yeji silences her phone as soon as it blared.

“What’s up?” You asked.

“I gotta run to the apartment, my hell roommate is stirring the pot again,” she rolls her eyes. “Sorry, guys, I have to run and make sure she doesn’t break shit again,” Yeji grabs her scooter leaning against the bookshelf. “I’ll definitely study with you all tomorrow, though!” Yeji waves goodbye before she rushes off.

“Shit… I would hate to have a roommate like that,” Keeho shudders.

“The fact that she had to take off like that must mean that it’s serious,” Jaemin shakes his head.

“It’s okay, she’s got a good grasp on the content, I guess,” you skimmed through the textbook again. You, on the other hand, do not have a good grasp on the content.

“Actually, I gotta run too,” Keeho starts packing his things. “Dance club.”

“Ah, right! Good luck, Keeho!” You said.

“Thanks, I’ll catch you guys later!” Then he was off too. Jaemin sighed and readjusted his glasses before looking down at his iPad.

‘And then there were two,’ you wanted to joke, but to be honest you didn’t really know Jaemin all that well. You, Yeji, and Keeho went back to orientation, but Jaemin had joined the group rather recently at Keeho’s recommendation. Sure, he was the newest addition, and you had to admit that you didn’t hate spending time with him, he knew his stuff and you didn’t. He was quiet when you first met him, but now he had this teasing edge to him that you didn’t think you’d see. Still, though, that’s all you knew about him. You didn’t want to say it was awkward but…

“Is there something wrong?” He asks.

“Oh, no, nothing,” you shook your head. You didn’t even know you were staring.

Aw, hell, this is awkward.

“(Y/N)?” His voice was low to not disturb the other patrons.

“Yeah?”

“Real quick, what did you get on the respiration question? I just want to double check my math.”

“Oh, uh… 132,” you answered.

“Okay, I got the same,” you heard him scribble something on his iPad. Your phone buzzed on the table next to your textbook and you flipped it over, spotting the text from Somi.

‘Hey, are you busy rn?’ You answered right away.

‘Just studying, why?’

‘R u on campus?’

‘Yeah’

‘Think you can come over? If not, though, that’s okay!’ You read the text over again. She wants you to come over? Well, you did tell your parents that you were studying today but you didn’t want to leave Jaemin on his own, that felt a little rude. Then again, he does live on campus so he could easily go home after this.

‘Everything alright?’ You glanced over at Jaemin, who was engrossed in whatever he was doing.

‘Yeah’ was all she sent, but she was quick to send another. ‘No’ You looked at the time again, you had until 9 when your parents came to pick you up.

“Hey.”

“Jaemin?” You both spoke at the same time, both of your expressions surprised. His glasses slid down the bridge of his nose and he pushed them back up while clearing his throat.

“You first,” he insists.

“Sure, um, I just got a text from my parents, turns out I have to leave earlier than I thought,” you lied. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to leave you alone and all, but you know how it goes.”

“Yeah, I get it, we’ll probably figure something out in the group chat,” he shrugs. “See you tomorrow.”

“Wait, what were you going to say?”

“Nothing important,” he shakes his head. “Get home safe.”

“You too,” you grabbed your things and walked off in the direction toward Somi’s apartment. This marked the second time you’d been there, and although it was straight shot from campus you still had to double check Maps to be sure you were going the right way. Your feet moved quickly, whether that was because you wanted to see her again or because you were worried, and maybe it was both, you moved with purpose. Wait, never mind, it was the anxiety. You looked every which way while you walked and you occasionally looked over your shoulder, something which would send you into momentary embarrassment when you made eye contact with some random passerby that you knew for a fact wasn’t stalking you. And before you knew it you were scrolling through contacts on your phone, but then a new anxiety hit.

You didn’t know who to call. Or, rather, you had no one to call. Yeji was a no, the worst case scenario is that you call her while her and her roommate were caught up in some intense screaming match, which has happened to you before. Keeho was a no too, he was at dance club and you didn’t want to bother him. All of your high school friends were off limits too, you knew that none of them would answer, you’re not a priority anymore after somehow becoming the low maintenance friend. It probably wasn’t a good idea to call Somi right now, plus, you’d see her in a few minutes anyway. So that left one person.

Jaemin.

But were you even close enough to do that? Close enough to call him and ask him something as simple as just staying on the line? You’d laugh if you were him. So, instead, you toughed it out. You tried to control your breathing, you tried to stay focused in front of you, and you tried to keep yourself calm. But at all times your hands clutched onto your pepper spray, your knuckles whitening from the pressure and your palms aching from it too.

Her apartment couldn’t have been any closer. You knew the walk was only ten minutes at the most but it felt like hours for you and, as soon as you’d knocked on her door, she opened it after your first knock and you felt your heart drop. There were tears in her eyes and down her face, her hair had been pulled at and tugged every which way, and her hands shook when they clasped against each other. She looked at you for only a moment longer before she shook her head and brought her hands up to either side of her head, them shaking more than before, and she shook her head again. You locked the door behind you and stepped forward, doing what you thought was right, and wrapped your arms around her shoulders to bring her head against your neck. Quietly, she sobbed. Her body shook against yours and you held her tighter while you rubbed her back gently. She held you even tighter, just like you were the only person grounding her.

But you really didn’t know what to say. You didn’t know if you should be doing anything else other than holding her like this, or if you should even be holding her a certain way. But one thing you did know, however, was that she definitely needed someone right now. And the way she started to wobble in her stance you knew it’d be better for her to sit down. So, you led her to the couch and told her that you’d be back, then you traced her steps when you first came to her apartment. You pulled out a glass from the top cabinet, some ice from the freezer, and you poured water from the water bottle next to the fridge before placing it in front of her and sitting by her side. Slowly, her head falls on your shoulder, and you readjust yourself on the couch so that you could pull her close to you while she cried.

Was this the time for you to ask her what was wrong? Should you even pry?

“I’m sorry,” she says between muted sobs.

“Don’t apologize,” you told her. “Did you want to talk about it?” She shook her head and you nodded.

“Just… stay like this for a while,” she says. You nodded again and you felt her shift so that she was more comfortable under you. “You can put something on too, if you want,” she says.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I like the white noise,” she responds while she hands you the remote. You flipped through Netflix looking for really anything to watch, then you noticed the series of half watched nature documentaries on her Recently Watched. Without more thought to it, you selected Our Planet and started it from the beginning.

The time was 5:00 pm in the evening. You had four hours to be with her and to make sure she was alright, and you had no idea how fast time would go while you were sitting on this couch with her watching some generic nature documentary. But, slowly, as the documentary continued she began to comment more on the animals and their narrator, and just as slowly you relaxed into your position and your arms felt more natural around her almost like they’d always meant to be there.

~

It was like a domino effect after that. She called you over more often now, sometimes just to talk and sometimes to not talk at all, then there was the routine of watching whatever nature documentary either of you could find for the remainder of your time together. Your parents applauded you and very near bragged about you to their family members about how “studious” you were staying behind at school to work with your study group and, hey, as long as you kept your grades up you could keep this charade going. Besides, it’s not like your parents knew who you really were anyway, and it’s not like you’d ever tell them either.

Leading to now, while you laid your head down on Somi’s chest, usually it’s the other way around but you figured you’d try it this way once and, good god she was right. One of her hands was on your arm and the other held the remote. Today was the first day you initiated, you asked her first if you could come over to her apartment and she said yes, thank god. You didn’t want to impose but today you felt like you just had to see her. Today you felt like you wanted to be the one held rather than being the one who did the holding.

“Oh, what do you think of this one, (Y/N)?” She asks. The cursor was hovered over a documentary about the oceans.

“Sure, honestly, I’m a little tired anyway…” you mumbled.

“Ah, so good white noise then, huh?” She nuzzles her head against yours and presses play before tossing the remote to the side. “How was your day?” You relaxed into her chest.

“Good… good…”

“Doesn’t sound good,” she comments.

“I mean…” you thought back to your argument with your mom. Then you thought about how you lied to her, and how you’d been lying to her. She just told you that you were staying out too late, that you’d been “studying” enough, and you lied to her and said that you needed to study more, but the truth was that you’d been coming here. You’d been coming here during your gaps between lectures, you’d been coming here when you weren’t studying with your friends, and you’d even been coming here in your dreams. Always here, and always with her. Your heart raced whenever you saw her name on your phone and your heart pounded whenever you saw something that reminded you of her. But you wanted to keep a good thing good. Besides, it’s not like you were expecting anything from her. She never told you about her troubles so why would you tell her about yours? “I don’t really want to talk about it right now,” you squeezed her gently and you heard her sigh.

“Okay, if that’s what you want,” she conceded. The narrator of the documentary drowned out to you while you took your time to just be in the moment. The sun had long set and you’d been here for a while now, having come straight here right after your study session. Your dad told you much earlier to text him when you wanted him to come pick you up but you didn’t want to go home.

And that’s what you texted him a few hours ago.

‘Dad, I’m staying over at a friend’s apartment to study. You remember her, right? We studied together all the time in high school.’ You felt bad for using your longtime crush for this.

‘You should come home.’

‘I have an important exam tomorrow.’

‘Ask your mom.’

You ended up not doing that. Besides, she has your location anyway, yet another reason why you had that argument with her.

You took a deep breath to calm yourself and just above you Somi started to hum a small tune. Your breath stilled for a brief moment, feeling like the tune was more delicate than a thin pane of glass and that your thoughts were a large speaker waiting to be turned on. Quietly, you listened to the rest of the song as if it was the only thing you could hear and you felt yourself relax. You always loved being here, it was like a world away from the one you come from. A place where you know you are heard and listened to, a place where you could be yourself without fear of judging eyes and whispering lips.

“What song is that?” You asked her.

“Just a tune I used to hear a lot when I was younger,” Somi says. “I used to have this music box back at home, it was a small one made of wood and when you opened it there was the white flower that would spin around in front of a mirror that was on the lid. Technically, it was my mom’s, but I would always wind it up when I saw it. I just thought it was so pretty,” she says. “Then she would tell me this story about how my dad got it for her and what it all meant and all that romantic crap,” she added with a laugh.

“Don’t leave me hanging now,” you made a move to slip away from her but there was that slight tug back from her and you stayed in your position, “what’s the story?”

“It’s a classic. Back when they were just dating, my mom and dad had met in one of those love at first sight meet-cutes. But my mom had to come back to Korea while my dad stayed behind in Canada so he bought her that music box and a matching one for himself. They made a promise to play it at the same time every day. For my dad, it was the first thing he did in the morning. For my mom, it was the last thing she did before she slept.”

“That is so romantic,” you sighed. Imagine a kind of love like that, one that transcended distance and grew stronger because of it, and even the commitment to incorporate something as simple as winding up a music box into one’s daily routine was already a movie-worthy act of love in your book.

“I mean… yeah, my parents were the hopeless romantic types,” she says.

“Hey, um… you’re sure I can stay over, right?” You asked her.

“Yeah, of course,” she nods. “You can take the bed, I’ll sleep here.”

“Wait, but are you sure? I can sleep on this couch, not like I haven’t before,” you insisted.

“Well, yeah, but those were just because of your fucked sleep schedule, (Y/N), but since you’re actually staying over I want to treat you like a proper guest,” she says. “Actually, let me get you a change of clothes real quick,” she separates from you and disappears into her room. You, meanwhile, turned to the TV, but you couldn’t stay focused on whatever was playing, being too preoccupied with the realization of wow. You’re staying the night at Somi’s apartment and she was totally cool with it. Part of you wondered if she’d say yes if you’d ask her to sleep in bed with you and part of you wondered what it would be like to be in her arms for a whole night, but was that too much to ask? Was that a boundary that you shouldn’t cross? You felt yourself start to press down on your fingernails, a habit you’d developed instead once you realized how destructive biting your nails was.

You wondered if she was as anxious as you right now.

Was it just you or was she taking a while to come out?

You looked around the apartment and you just realized it now. There were traces of you all over. Small keepsakes of things in your favorite color, small things that you owned, and small things that you’ve gifted her. You were surprised to see them all adorning various spaces and you wondered why she chose to display them. Even the blanket that was between you and the couch was something you’d picked out for her when she sent you a picture of five different colors and asked which would’ve suited her style better.

And it was true for you as well. You’d been picking up and buying things that reminded you of her constantly. Things in her favorite color, things that she owned, and things she’s gifted you. If you just took a step back and looked at the both of you from an outside perspective you’d probably think that you were in love… and maybe you were.

“Sorry for the hold up, (Y/N),” Somi returned, changed into pajamas, and with an oversized tee and a pair of shorts and handed them to you. “You know where the bathroom is.”

“Yup, I’ll be back,” you walked off and closed the door behind you, catching yourself in the mirror. You rubbed the smudged makeup under your eye and shook your head. “God… but how could she be in love with a wreck like me?” You mumbled. You pulled your shirt over your head and paused for a moment longer, taking in your reflection once more. After a moment passed, you turned your back to the mirror and continued changing, and once you’d finished you folded your clothes neatly and walked back out to shove them into your backpack.

“Ooh, you look cozy,” she opens her arms and, once more, you found yourself nestled between them.

“And you feel cozy,” you responded.

“Oh, I definitely do now,” she grins. “Now, where were we in this show? God, I love manatees, they’re just so sweet.”

“I know! So friendshaped.”

“Absolutely friendshaped!” Somi gushed.

“I used to have this three-foot manatee plush that I’d sleep with when I was younger and when I tell you I brought that thing everywhere I mean it,” you recounted.

“Now that I can see you doing,” she shifts to be more comfortable. “You seem like a huge stuffed animal gal.”

“I need to show you my collection some time.”

“A collection?”

“Yes. I’ve never thrown out a stuffed toy since I was born.”

“Oh my god, you’re a hoarder.”

“Hey, not true! I just took Toy Story a little too seriously,” you defended.

“Okay, okay, that’s fair, I love Toy Story,” she concedes. “Actually… did you want to watch it?”

“Actually? Yeah, I’m down.”

“Nice, okay,” she stands up. “I have it on DVD, but the player is in my room, you cool with moving over there?”

“Yeah, yeah,” you nodded and followed her into her bedroom.

This was the first time you’d been in here. Unsurprisingly, her bedroom really screamed ‘Somi.’ The bedroom itself was similar to the rest of the apartment with it’s neutral tones and wooden furniture, off in the corner of the room was a full sized bed with a few select stuffed animals on it and off to another was a relatively simple PC set up with the TV mounted on the wall above it such that it faced the bed. There was a dresser and a clothes rack off in the other corner of the room and in the center was a round rug to fill in the space.

“Hey, you can come join me here now,” Somi pats the bed next to her and you sit down carefully. “What, I change up the scenery and you get all shy again?” She teases and you felt your face heat up.

“I mean… well,” you swallowed nervously. “No…” you finally pushed out and you moved closer to her. She turns the TV on and skips through the trailers before starting the movie. Were you getting shy again? True, you felt this lingering sense of awkwardness around you, but that was normal. Maybe being in her bedroom did change the mood a little, but you didn’t want to say anything and risk it all. The only thing you really cared about, though, was that this was so much more comfortable than the couch, and you were living for it. Every now and then you’d hear a small chuckle from her or a muted coo and it just sent your heart into a flurry. Secretly you hoped that she felt the same, but you knew better than to be selfish.

You didn’t even realize you’d fallen asleep until the sunlight danced over you the next morning. The space next to you was empty but there were signs of someone sleeping there earlier, and you could smell the faint aroma of pancakes.

Pancakes? Oh, she’s really spoiling you here.

You pushed yourself off of the bed and wandered back out of the room and spotted Somi at the stove, a stack of pancakes slowly growing on the counter next to her, and you quietly sat yourself at the counter while you watched her ministrations. You didn’t realize it until now, but she was very clean when it came to these things. Spilled pancake batter was wiped up immediately, her hands were kept washed the entire time, and the pancake stack was near pristine. The coffee machine next to you beeped and signaled that it was done.

“(Y/N), be a dear and pour some coffee for us,” she says without turning around.

“Yeah, sure,” you took the two mugs in front of it and prepared both of them. “Two sugars and cream, right?”

“That’s right,” she slides another pancake onto the stack while you added creamer into her mug. “I wasn’t sure which kind you liked, so I made blueberry pancakes and cinnamon ones too,” she says.

“Whoa, talk about boujee pancakes,” you teased.

“I just like to add a little bit of flair,” she takes the plate and turns around to place it between you both. “So, give it a taste,” she hands you a fork.

“They smell amazing,” you cut a piece and tried your first bite, “and they taste amazing too,” you were quick to go in for another.

“Thank you, thank you,” she holds down the pancake with her fork while you pull a piece off with yours. “Did you sleep well?”

“One of the best one’s I had in a while,” you covered your mouth with your hand as you spoke, mainly out of habit than anything. “How about you?”

“Ditto,” she nods. “I ended up falling asleep partway through the movie.”

“Same, I don’t even remember what the last scene I saw was.”

“Oh, hon, you fell asleep as soon as they got to Sid’s house.”

“Really? So you fell asleep after me then!”

“Pretty sure, yeah, you are so quiet when you’re asleep that I didn’t even realize I was the only one watching the movie.”

“Oh, dammit, we’re going to have to watch it again some time for sure then!”

“Next time you sleepover then,” she says.

“Definitely,” you answered without another thought.

The time was 9 in the morning. You knew that both of you had classes in two hours, but at that time it didn’t seem like either of you cared. Instead you were both more preoccupied with the person in front of them and how their eyes seemed to have a different shine in them than before, and there was also that new and slight upturn of one another’s lips that signaled a soft and sweet enjoyment that can only be found in the mornings when you are just barely awake, the first of what you hoped would be many.

~

And many it was. At this rate it was like you were living together with how often you stayed over. What was once only a few of your items became many. In the medicine cabinet next to the bathroom sink there were now two toothbrushes, the shelves were overflowing with various skincare products, the number of towels doubled, and suddenly the shampoo and conditioner bottles ran out faster. More food stocked the fridge and pantries, and the dishes piled faster than before. There was a slight and subtle change to the aesthetics of the apartment what with your own creative additions on top of Somi’s. Yours and her clothing mixed together, your styles adapting to one another, and soon you both realized that you were wearing the same outfits.

From an outsider’s perspective, anyone would have put a label on what the two of you had. But you’d never know, because this world existed only in the confines of this apartment. Even if the two of you ran into each other on campus, a very rare occurrence, your interactions were limited to small smiles and short waves. Your group of friends and her group of friends remained separate and oblivious to your growing situationship, and you were both careful in how you worded your experiences with each other to them.

In truth, you had to admit it, you’d fallen hopelessly in love with this woman, and you prayed that she felt the same. Never had either of you two dare utter a single word that could have alluded to something more than your casual relationship, for you it was because you didn’t want to lose her, and for her, you think, it’s because she didn’t see you that way at all. Oh, how you want to ask, how you want to pick apart her thoughts and find out just what she really thinks of you and whether or not you have a chance. You think you love her, if love is the word that describes the way your heart beats when you see her face, if love is the word that describes the way you daydream and fantasize of a life together, and if love is the word that describes the way you yearn for her touch every day, then yes, you love her.

“Wait, repeat that?” You asked her. You had agreed to help her get ready for a night out between your classes, anything just to be around her.

“It's easy, (Y/N),” she says while holding the rollers in her hands. “Start at the bottom, roll up.”

“Okay…" you took the roller.

“You've never used a roller?”

“I only use curling irons.”

“Oh, honey, those are so bad for your hair!” Your heart fluttered.

“I know, I know!” You took a small bunch of her hair, flattened it out, and rolled it around the roller. “Too tight?”

“Just right,” she hands you a clip and you secured it in place before picking up the next roller.

“So, what's the occasion tonight?” You asked her while getting started on the other roller.

“Blind date,” she shrugs. You swallowed harshly. It was instances like this, at 2:54 in the afternoon, that held you back from asking for the truth. If you had brought up to her that you’d fallen in love, would she cut this off forever? Short and casual, that was what she had written on her profile. She told you from the get go that she wasn’t expecting romance, just comfort, and you had willingly agreed, not knowing or thinking how it would come back to bite you.

“Oh yeah?” You finally answered.

“Yeah, my friends set me up with him,” she mutters. That didn’t sound right.

“Him?” You asked. Her expression falters for a moment and she hesitates before answering.

“Yeah, him,” she confirms.

Looks like you both had the same secret, then. You wanted to probe more, though, but you knew better than to pry, and who were you to talk anyway? You’d only ever come out to that creep in your class to get him to leave you alone. Your family doesn’t know, your friends don’t know, and you barely found out recently. Then, it all made sense, the fact that you both had your own world within these walls and you didn’t dare let it slip out into the world beyond. It was that certain fear that held you both back and, hell, maybe it was that same fear that held you back from confessing your true feelings to her too. You didn't even realize you paused your actions until her eyes slid up to look at yours through your reflections. 

“Okay,” you continued rolling her hair. “Have fun.” You didn’t mean for the responses to sound so curt.

“Thanks, (Y/N),” she smiles. Maybe you were imagining it, but there seemed to be some disappointment in it. Should you have said something? Should you have told her not to go? Held her back in some way? You were never good at reading people.

“All done,” you secured the last roller and leaned back.

“Whoa, you’re a natural, (Y/N),” she turns her head to either side to make sure all her hair had been tightly wrapped around the rollers. “Thanks, hon, sorry to eat up your gap time like this,” she turns to you.

“It’s fine! If I had something important I would’ve told you,” you reassured her. Truth be told, you probably should have stayed on campus. Your study group was cramming for your bio test as you spoke right now.

“I think I got it from here though, I won’t keep you if you have to study,” she says and you felt yourself pressing down on your fingernails again. Were you overthinking it? Did she want you to leave? Why would she bring that up if she wanted you to stay? You swallowed harshly yet again.

“I do have a midterm in a couple of hours…”

“Oh, shoot! Why didn’t you say so sooner?” Somi gasps. “I’m so sorry, (Y/N)!”

“No, no! Don’t apologize! It’s fine,” you waved your hand in front of you. “But, I think I’ll catch my study group, then, they should still be in the science library,” you checked the time.

“Yeah, yeah! No worries!”

“Let me know how your date goes,” you teased her.

“God, I can already feel that it’s going to be a whole train wreck,” Somi groans while she shakes her head. “I’ll see you soon, (Y/N),” she says.

“See you soon,” you grabbed your things and waved goodbye to her before leaving her apartment. You shot a quick text to your group chat, telling the rest of the study group that you were on your way.

‘Thank god, (Y/N)! You’re the only one who knows anything for this class’ You could almost hear Yeji’s voice.

‘Jaem keeps saying he knows but then we double check and he’s WRONG’ Keeho’s was as easy to hear as ever.

‘at least i’m trying’ Jaemin types the way he talks. Luckily for you, campus was only a ten minute walk away, not bad but not good either, and it took another five to get to the science library from where you were now, which left you a good three hours before your midterm.

And, in no time at all, you were seated with your study group in a room that Keeho had miraculously reserved for the whole semester. Good on him for thinking ahead, because this room had been witness to your development as a friend group. From the actual study sessions at the beginning, to the now prolonged breaks filled with trauma dumps from everyone, the third floor room 346 is a study room that will remain in your memories.

“So I told him ‘no and fuck off’ before storming out of that party,” Yeji rolls her eyes.

“(Y/N),” Jaemin said your name quietly so as not to disturb Yeji’s and Keeho’s pep talk with each other. You lean closer to him and he circles one of the practice questions with his stylus. You nod your head and look back at your worksheet.

“Oh, okay, so what you want to do first is determine the common trait those two have, then you can determine the common ancestor from that,” you explained to him.

“Got it, okay,” he returns to his world of studying while you did the same. Though seated next to each other, you each had your own bubble you stayed within, he was just so ‘in the zone’ when he studied and you were so ‘what the fuck am I doing?’ when you study that just thinking of intruding on each other would be catastrophic. But, before you could realize it, you were drawing scribbles on your notes and wondering how Somi’s date was going. You glanced at your phone, wondering if she’d send you an SOS text or start live texting the date to you, but your lock screen remained silent, with the only notifs coming in being from your classes. You focused on another question and immediately drew a blank.

“Hey, Jaem?” You glanced at the other two, who were now having a conversation about what the next best anime would be this season, before turning to Jaemin, who’s head had turned toward you while waiting for you to continue. “For number 34, does this have to do with mitochondrial genetics?”

“Uh…” he glances at his notes and flips through a few pages. “Yes?” He didn’t sound too sure. “Let me double check that, I thought it was just X-Linked genetics.”

“Wait, no, I can see that,” you looked at your notes again. “Sorry, can we compare notes really quick? I know it’s on this slide but I think I might have fallen asleep during this part of the lecture,” you slid your tablet toward him and he did the same with his and you both looked between your notes slides.

“Oh, here’s what you’re missing,” Jaemin highlighted the section that you didn’t write down.

“Thanks,” you both turned to each other and your breath caught in your throat.

Now, when did you two get so close to each other? Just inches apart and one wrong move could lead to some kind of physical contact. Jaemin’s glasses slide down the roof of his nose and, without thinking about it, you gently grabbed the junction of the arm and the frame to push it back up for him.

“Thank you too,” Jaemin was the first to pull back and, with one glance toward the other two, it became clear that they didn’t witness any of what had just happened. You turned to your notes, your body somewhat twisting away from his direction while you busied yourself with… cell anatomy. Dammit, (Y/N), if you were going to choose one slide to pretend to study at least make it something confusing like Hardy Weinberg.

But what was this feeling that creeped up on you? The way your heart skipped a beat when you turned toward him and saw just how close he was, it left your face heated and your breath unsteady. The last time you felt this way was with Somi, when you woke up from an impromptu nap and caught a small glimpse of her face while she read what had to be an engaging book of some sort. This was probably nothing, you think. It’s completely different than what you felt with Somi. You think so, at least. You shook your head, holding your hand to it to feign a headache.

“Oh, fuck, T minus one hour until that midterm,” Keeho panics.

“God, what kind of class has three midterms?! It’s called midterm for a reason!” Yeji finally opens her textbook.

“Numbers don’t define us,” Keeho mutters.

“For fucking real,” Yeji downs her coffee and focuses on the page in front of her.

Needless to say, that midterm was fucking horrible. Every single thing you had decided to ghost over because it was ‘common sense’ was worth a hefty twenty points in an exam you didn’t think would be free response. You swear you could hear the gears in your head moving on overdrive when you would have to reread another unfortunate question.

“I’m dropping out,” Yeji said as soon as you left the lecture hall.

“Numbers don’t define us,” Keeho repeated under his breath. You pulled your phone out and unsilenced it, and near instantly your phone flurried with notifications from whatever, but only two stood out to you.

‘Are you coming home today?’ Your sister.

‘Can you come over?’ Somi.

“Christ… I’m just gonna go home,” Yeji yawns. “I can’t, guys, like, I know we planned for ‘Hot Girl’ dinner but I am not feeling too hot after that,” she shakes her head.

“Wait, seriously? No way,” Keeho’s shoulders slump.

“Let’s just do it tomorrow, Keeho, I want to pass out,” Yeji argues.

“Yeah, I might go home too, that all nighter we pulled was intense,” Jaemin says.

“Damn… okay, fine, Yeji, I’ll walk with you back, my dorm’s on the way too.”

“Yeah, sure, I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” Yeji waved and walked off with Keeho running close behind her.

“How about you, then?” Jaemin looks to you. You chanced a glance up at him.

“Uh…” you hesitated. “Don’t know yet,” you shrugged.

“I’ll walk you over to the pickup area,” Jaemin offers, “only if you want though,” he quickly added.

“Uh… yeah, yeah, I’d appreciate that,” you nodded your head and you both were on your way, neither text on your phone answered just yet. Jaemin’s hands were in his pocket, a miracle considering his messenger bag was somehow balanced on one shoulder. You didn’t know what it exactly was, but something about the way the sunset hit him framed him perfectly. His eyes slant over toward you.

“What are you looking at?”

“Nothing, just wondering what your skin care routine is,” you covered.

“Cleanser then moisturizer,” he shrugged.

“It’s always the boys who don’t care who have the best genes,” you sighed. You both came to a stop at the drop off, him waiting for you and you waiting to make a decision. 

“(Y/N), actually, could I—” he is cut off by a loud brring startling both you and him. Somi’s name appeared on your phone and you scrambled to answer it.

“Sorry, Jaem, give me a second,” you apologized quickly and held it to your ear.

“(Y/N)?” Somi’s voice was different. “Sorry, I’m sorry if you’re busy, but could you come over? Please?”

“I, uh,” you looked over to Jaemin, who wasn’t listening to you intentionally. He rose an eyebrow toward you as if to ask if something was wrong. “Yeah, I’ll be right there,” you said.

“Thank you, thank you, just… take your time, it’s okay.” Name a more obvious way to tell you to get there as soon as possible.

“Sorry, Jaemin, that was a…” you trailed off, trying to find the right word to use, “friend of mine.” It didn’t feel right to call her that. “She really needs some help right now, I think I’ll head over to her apartment,” you pointed in its general direction. “What were you trying to tell me again?” You looked at him and he shook his head.

“Nothing important,” he says. “I was just going to ask when you were going to get your license,” he smiles at the end and you pushed him lightly.

“Jerk.”

“I’m just asking,” he raises his hands up.

“Soon, okay? I’m working on it!” You rolled your eyes. “But, still, thanks… I appreciate you waiting with me.”

“Any time, did you want me to walk you over to your friend too?”

“No, no, it’s okay,” you waved your hand. “But, uh… if I call you, just pick up, you don’t have to say anything,” you added. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah, see you tomorrow,” he waited for you to leave first, and that you did. Your phone was in your hand, having typed out an apology to your sister and a confirmation to Somi. You chanced a look back at your friend, ready to wave goodbye, but, instead, he was sitting down on the bench, his elbows on his knees and his hands covering his face. You looked down at your phone again, a recent text from Somi telling you to take your time, but you knew better, you knew her better. But Jaemin was also your friend too. But Somi… You turned away from him and continued on your way.

When was the last time she called you when she was like this? A while ago, actually. You really didn’t have time to think about it, as soon as you got to her apartment and you saw that it was unlocked, you knew that there was something very wrong. You locked the door on your way in and looked around. The apartment was silent, clean, and untouched.

“Somi?” You called out to her. No answer. You walked further into the apartment, checking her usual spots. The couch was empty, the kitchen unused, and the bathroom was wide open too, and that left one place. The walk to her bedroom seemed much longer than usual, but when you finally got to it, your hand hovered in front of the door, ready to knock but not knowing what exactly to say. Carefully, gently, you knocked on it.

“It’s open,” Somi’s voice was quiet. You opened the door as slowly as you’d knocked on it and you saw her wrapped up in her comforter in bed. You approached her and she turned away so that her back was facing you. Your heart ached for her, there was this inexplicable draw that dragged you toward her and you wanted nothing more than to comfort her and to find out just what happened for her to near seclude herself like this.

“Hey, it’s cool if I sit on your bed in jeans, right?” You tried to joke with her. No response. You sat down with your back to her now. You twisted so that you could see the outline of herself hidden under that huge blanket. “What happened?” You chanced a dangerous question. You never asked what’s wrong, she never asked what’s wrong, you just called or texted one another and you showed up here. This was a barrier, one of many that you both agreed to put up, if she answered you now then what would that mean for the both of you? She didn’t answer, and you thought that that was it, you turned away and shook your head, you didn’t know why you even asked.

“It was bad… really bad,” she answered. You turned to her and she was looking at you.

“Oh, Somi,” you leaned down and brushed the hair out of her face and tucked the loose strands behind her ear. Her lips slipped into a frown for a moment before it flattened again. “Did you want to talk about it?”

“I…” she hesitated and averted her eyes for a moment. “I’m not out to my friends.”

“Neither am I,” you shook your head.

“They keep setting up these dates with these guys they think I’d like, and I keep going to them thinking maybe something will be different,” she shakes her head. “But… no, they always end up the same. I hate it, I hate those men they’re all the same in the end they’re all…” she trails off and shakes her head again. “He was a real asshole, (Y/N), I wish you were there to see it.”

“The money I’d pay to see you talk some sense into him,” you agreed.

“Homophobic asshole…” she grimaced. “I, uh… I told him at the end of the date that I had fun, but I didn’t want to give him false hope. So… I told him I didn’t think we should have a second date,” Somi’s voice started to wobble.

“And?” This was it, the meat of the story.

“He called me a dyke.”

“Oh that asshole,” you gasped.

“I know! I know, and you know me, usually I’d fight back but…” she stops. “I couldn’t. I couldn’t say anything because if I did then I’d be coming out to some ugly, no life jerk who throws a hissy fit when he doesn’t get what he wants,” she sits up, but keeps the blanket tightly wrapped around her. “That’s the thing with this country… people don’t get what they want so instead they find other ways to degrade others even if they don’t know the meaning of their words,” she says quietly. “Nearly every man I’ve tried to go on a date with has been so… so horrible, I…” she struggled to get her words out.

“It’s okay, Somi, it’s okay,” your hands tangled in her hair and you did your best to comfort her. “But… he didn’t do anything to you, right?”

“No, I got out before he had the chance,” she says. “It’s just that… I don’t know, he was so aggressive and I was just so scared,” she shuts her eyes as if to shut the memory out. “But it got me thinking, of course every date I’ve had with men was horrible, I’m not attracted to them. Yet on the other side every woman I’ve dated hasn’t ended well either. I think I have something good and then they’re gone. Faster than I could ask what happened,” she covers her face in her hands and drags it down her face. Then, silently, she reaches into the drawer next to her and pulls out a small box and a lighter. “I…” she stops talking, holding the cigarette between her lips. She looks at the lighter in her hands and, after some hesitation, she hands it to you. “Keep this away from me.” You nodded and placed it on a further shelf. She rolls the cigarette from one side of her mouth to another.

“You smoke?”

“Used to.”

“Used to?”

“Sophomore year was hard.”

“Is that a warning?”

“Sure.”

“I can barely make it through my freshman courses,” you chuckled. She pulled the cigarette out of her mouth and chucked both back into the drawer. “If you used to smoke, then why do you keep those?”

“I don’t really know,” she shrugs, “you saw me just now, if I didn’t stop to think about it, I probably would have rebounded,” she places a hand on her forehead and brushes her hair back. “God, (Y/N), I’m a wreck, aren’t I?” She looks at you sadly and you freeze. What should you say?

“Yeah, you are,” you nodded your head. You probably could have worded that better. “But that makes you you, right? You wouldn’t be Somi if you didn’t fuck up here and there.”

“Even if those fuck ups are, like, really bad?”

“Even if they’re really bad, yeah,” you nodded again.

“(Y/N), I’ve done so many things that I’ve regretted,” she says.

“I’m sure we both have.”

“Oh, (Y/N), you don’t even know,” she hit her head against the wall. “With all the shit I’ve done to my previous partners… it’s no wonder I’ll never be loved like that again,” she closes her eyes gently now.

“Hey, don’t say that,” you answered too quickly. She opened her eyes and they landed on you. It was offensive, almost, for her to say that. You loved her, you think you do. Even now, just being here, your heart beat towards her and your thoughts were filled of her at almost every waking hour. You loved her, and she didn’t see that, or she didn’t want to. “There’s plenty to love about you,” you added quietly.

“Like what?”

“Like how you look out for everyone, even if you don’t like them,” you thought about more, “like how you modify your recipes when you know someone doesn’t like a certain ingredient, or like how you wake up early whenever people stay over to make them breakfast…” you catch yourself, pausing for a moment, and never once did she look away from you. She knew it as much as you did and she probably caught onto it before you did too. “Somi, I…” you looked at her and, without saying anything more, she leaned toward you, her hand resting on your cheek and then she stopped, just centimeters away from your lips. Your eyes widened and both of your breaths stilled.

Another barrier.

Skinship only, no kissing. No feelings, no strings, and no expectations for something more. That was the deal.

But you didn’t like that deal anyway.

You closed the gap. Your lips pressed against her’s softly, and it felt wonderful. This surge of ecstasy shot through you and left you wanting more, and when she pressed forward against you it was like pure bliss. It was her who pushed away first, and before you could say anything, she beat you to the punch.

“Better than orientation?”

“Way better,” you nodded slightly. A small smile rose on her lips and she looked away for a moment before looking to you again.

“Can I kiss you again?”

“Yes,” you both leaned into each other and held onto the other, with every kiss growing in intensity and every touch being softer and still more passionate than before and as this barrier fell and crumbled, another threatened to fall. Her hand rested on your bare hip and yours wandered around her body, was this alright? Was this safe? Was this something you should do? You felt this desire in you that you’d never felt before, but you were afraid that it was going to fast, you were afraid that you’d mess up in your motions and that you’d never see her again, but you couldn’t stop, you didn’t want to stop.

There’s no going back.

You gripped onto the hem of your shirt and her hand wraps around your wrist.

“Are you sure?” She asks you. She’s never had a more serious look before.

“Yes, I’m sure,” you nodded and she let your hand go. You pulled your shirt over your head and she did the same with hers, then she wrapped her hands around you and snapped your bra open before pulling it off, and again the two of you connected. Your hands, unsure, moved to her breasts, and you fondled them the same way you did your own those sparing times you’d found the chance to explore yourself, and as you did so her lips trailed along your face. You moved until you were straddling her now and her hands hooked under your waistband.

“I hate jeans in bed,” she says against your skin.

“I know, I’m sorry,” you answered.

“God, they’re just so damn hard to pull off,” she says with an airy laugh. You laughed too, pressing your forehead against her shoulder, you helped her pull your jeans off and soon you were left in nothing but your panties. And all the while you avoided your own gaze in the mirror. Of all the times to think of this, your first time would be marked by your own fear. Somi moved to the other side of you, crawling off the bed and turning you with her and away from the mirror, she kneels on her carpeted floor nestled between your legs. She tugs at the elastic now and you nod your head, watching her slowly pull your panties off until they dropped to the floor.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” She looks up at you, both of her hands were resting on your thighs. She massaged slow circles into them. 

“I’ve never done this before,” you told her. “But, I trust you,” you added.

“We can stop, it’s okay if you’re not comfortable.”

“No, no, it’s okay, we can keep going,” despite your words, you couldn’t look at her, your face was too hot with embarrassment. She presses small kisses to your thighs now, and the air against your now exposed pussy was cold. You let out small whimpers as she moved up the inside of your thighs and stopped just before your pussy. “It’s okay, I trust you,” you told her. She blew onto your clit softly.

“I’ll go slow,” she says before lightly licking up your pussy. Your whole body shuddered around her, and you did your best to keep your legs opened. She pushes forward and you felt her tongue start to move around inside of you, pulling out strained sounds you didn’t even know you could make. “Just relax, (Y/N), I’ll take care of you,” she says against you, only eliciting another moan.

“Mm, Somi, I…” you swallowed your words down when she gently sucked at your clit. “It feels, ah, it feels good…” your voice trailed off and you felt yourself start to relax, though your hands squeezed at the bedding under you. Her tongue starts to move deeper into you and you sighed. Then you felt her push a finger into your pussy and your whole body tensed again. She paused for a moment. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” you pushed her forward and she continued. You could feel your wetness start to pool under you and the embarrassment grew. But you couldn’t think about it for long, no, not when she added another finger and started to make slight scissoring motions with them. Your hands slid against the comforter as you moaned more.

“You’re doing well, (Y/N),” Somi praises you.

“I…” your words are swallowed up by your pleasure again. “I feel tight,” you muttered.

“That’s okay, baby, just let it out,” she guides you.

“Mm,” you grasped at the couch cushions and you felt your hips buck forward, your pussy clamped down on her fingers and you let out a loud groan before relaxing again.

“Oh, honey, don’t tell me that’s the first time you cummed,” she props her head up on one elbow. First time someone’s made you cum, that’s for sure, but not the first time you’ve cummed at all. “So quickly too…” she clicks her tongue.

“I…” your face was hot with… something. You’d never felt this way before, but, again, you’d never experienced this before, you’d never experienced this level of passion. Then, with both hands on either side of your thighs, she rose up and pressed her lips to yours in a searing yet soft kiss. You could taste the bitterness of yourself on her, it mixed with that lingering taste of strawberry ice cream you’d both shared earlier, and, in whatever hot fervor you had, you opened your lips slightly and pushed against her, allowing for her to deepen the already sensual kiss. “I want to do that again,” you told her when you finally pulled away.

“Are you sure?” She asked this question, yet her hand rested on the inside of your thigh, ready to move at a moment’s notice. Her thumb ran circles over the sensitive skin in a teasingly slow motion that still somehow had you reeling. You could only nod your head shakily, wanting— no— needing more. You’d never felt this way before and you wanted so much more. She began to press kisses down your jawline, now, as she lowered you to your back and slid her hand up your legs and over your pussy. She presses two fingers in now and you let out a quick gasp before pressing your head against the mattress. She lowered her face to your clit once more, being precise in her movements, and her tongue swirled around your clit, flicking it up every so now and then and leaving you a moaning mess against her. She pressed sloppy kisses against your pussy now, making obscene noises all along the way while swallowing your wetness whenever she found the opportunity to do so. Your hand pressed down on the top of her head, this newfound pleasure becoming more and more addicting, and in your search to find something— anything to touch, you ended up lightly squeezing your own breast, playing with the nipple that had grown much more sensitive.

Then you felt that tightness growing in your abdomen again, the tell tale sign of pleasure, but right before you felt it reach its climax you stopped, nudging her head for her to look at you.

“Yes?” There was a small smile on her lips.

“Could I…” you swallowed harshly, still panting from your moans before. “Could I try it?” You asked her. She rests her head against your thigh.

“You’ll have to be more specific than that, baby,” she cooed. You turned away for a moment, your face hot with pleasure and embarrassment.

“Oral, let me try it,” you were able to push out. Again, she grins, a Cheshire like smile like she’d heard what she wanted, and she stood up slowly, sensually, and pulled her shorts down before sitting next to you with a small bouncing motion.

“Okay,” she says. “Give it a shot, I’m already worked up anyway,” she says. You chanced a quick look over of her, the wet patch on her underwear out in plain sight. “Or… did you need some help with that?” She brought one leg up while leaving the other hanging off the bed.

“No, I can do it,” you leaned down, pulling her panties off with some confidence before immediately losing it.

“Just take it slowly,” she says. You nodded slightly, trying to do as she did with you albeit sloppier with your inexperience. Then, steeling yourself with whatever, you licked your tongue up one of her lips that dripped with wetness. “Whoa, baby, relax,” despite the levelness of her words, you felt her legs tighten slightly around your head, “slower, take your time,” she says while gently running her thumb along your collarbone.

Slowly, okay, you can do that. You tried to replicate what she did earlier, though it was obviously affected by your inexperience, when you heard her quieted sighs you felt this entirely different rush than before, just as if something had sparked within you.

“Mm, okay, let’s, ah, let’s take it up now,” Somi rubs the top of your head slightly, then she moves her hand to her pussy, spreading it open for you. “Know what I mean?” She was barely out of breath while she traced them with her index finger, hinting to you what she wanted you to do. Again, your nod was unsure, but you leaned forward and pressed an experimental finger into her, eliciting a sharp gasp from her.

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” you apologized quickly.

“No, no, don’t apologize, it feels good,” she nodded against the pillows. “Deeper, (Y/N),” she nods firmer. You obliged and, as you did so, she pulled you up to her so that you straddled her waist and she pushed your head down against hers, locking your lips into yet another open kiss. Your tongues moved against each other, probing and swirling all around while you boldly added another finger to prompt Somi to kiss you harder with both arms wrapped around your neck. She separated from you only once, just enough to lean against your ear to whisper praises while you finger fucked her for the first time. “Good, girl, just like— haa,” her head hit the cushion hard while her body tensed under you. “Are you sure you’ve never done this before?” She asks.

“Not on anyone, no, just on myself,” you answered. You felt the walls of her pussy clamp around your fingers and you leaned forward so that your head was next to hers. Your heads turn to each other and, before you could say anything more, she presses her lips against yours. 

“Did you know that you’re dripping all over my bed?” She grins before moving you so that you were beneath her, “tell me if you want me to stop,” she says before bending down to your pussy and attaching her lips to it, eating you out with a new fervor you’d thought you’d only ever see in porn. Every now and then she’d look up at you with wide eyes that’d relax into more sultry ones as each lick was followed with a line of slick from your vag. 

It was all so… erotic. The way she held your legs open, the way she swirled her tongue inside of you, and— god— the way she looked at you. You felt like cumming from that alone.

It was a long night. You didn’t have a chance to check the time, you didn’t really care much for it right now. All you could think about was her, Somi, and the way she drove you into bliss. You’re pretty sure you loved her, you trusted her at least, you trusted her with your first time, and you were enjoying every second of it.

~

Again it was like a domino effect. That first time with her was certainly not the last. Every now and then she would bring up some strange thing she found in her “research” and she’d ask if you’d want to try it, and near every time you’d said yes. You were open to exploring your sexuality and so was she. You’d tried a lot now together, actually, role play, ice play, sensory deprivation, and even some shibari, which the two of you would likely never do again. You should’ve been more wary when she came back with a Home Depot bag in hand and a devilish glint in her eyes.

So this is what it felt like, friends with benefits. Just sex, sex, and more sex, and if you were lucky there was the cuddle session somewhere in between too, but you didn’t hate it. You rather enjoyed it, spending time with her and trying new things, and always after it ended the same way regardless of whether or not you or her were tired. Before you knew it, you and Somi had been together in this strange relationship for near four months now, a track that you were sure that only you were keeping track of, celebrating milestones in silence and maybe overthinking the days she seemed a little more affectionate that overlapped with those milestones. Some days you wondered if this was how things usually went, was this the normal pacing of a relationship? You wished you had someone to ask, someone to talk to about this, but, amazingly, these four months stayed within these walls, unknown to the outside world.

“They always make those cakes look so good,” Somi says with a slight twinge of disbelief. Her arms were wrapped around your nude body and you nodded against her chest.

“I always crave cake, too,” you sighed. This was the usual aftercare.

The Great British Baking Show. Or better known as the show that turned you and Somi into backseat bakers.

“Ugh, the green and blue did not mix well together,” you commented.

“Honestly! She should’ve gone for the blue and purple, or at least a different shade of green,” she adds on.

“We should try baking sometime,” you wondered aloud.

“Oh we definitely should,” she nods while her hands wander further down.

“Somi,” your voice had a warning tone. It’s not that you didn’t want to have sex, it’s more that you wanted to finish this episode.

“Come on, I’ll pause the show.”

“No, it’s not the same,” you shook your head.

“Fine, fine,” her hands nestle on your hips once more, but her lips still moved about, biting softly on the shell of your ear. “You look like you want to ask me something,” she said quietly.

“Uh… yeah, do you think I can stay over tonight?” You asked. Tonight was one of those rare nights both of your parents would be out of the house and your younger sibling was staying over at a friend’s. The house was empty, and having Somi over was a bad idea considering the Ring cameras all outside your house, and so the next best thing was to stay over. Plus, you finally did the right thing and got your parents’ blessing to stay the night at a “friend’s” house.

“Not tonight, I’m sorry, (Y/N). I have plans later tonight,” she says.

“No, no, all good, I’ll ask another friend of mine,” you nodded.

“Are you sure?” Before you could answer her, her doorbell rang, and while you made a move to get more comfortable in her covers, she stood up straight. “Shit.”

“What? What’s wrong?” You sat up now, the comforter that previously covered you fell onto your lap. She looks at you before looking at her bedroom door.

“Oh, fuck, I completely forgot,” she rubs her hair harshly and tumbles out of bed, falling harshly on the floor.

“Somi! Oh my god, be careful!” You followed her and helped her up, and as soon as she was on her two legs, she shoved a set of clothes in her hands.

“Get dressed, (Y/N), my parents are here.”

“Your parents are what?!” You scrambled to put your bra on.

“Here! They’re here! I forgot, my mom flew in recently and of course she’d want to visit me, I… fuck!” She fell back on her bed in a rushed attempt to pull on a pair of shorts.

“Parents, oh hell…” your hand covered your mouth. Parents, you’re about to meet her parents. Now this isn’t something you’d predicted at all, but then again you and Somi had been doing this, whatever this was, for almost two months now. But parents? Her parents? Oh hell, you’re so fucked. You don’t even know what to say to them, how would you introduce yourself to them? How would you even explain why you were in Somi’s apartment wearing her clothes? Your mind was tossed into a spiral that you hadn’t felt in a very long time, and you felt this strange sense of dread forming in your abdomen.

“Okay, okay, this is fine, just act natural, (Y/N),” you both rush out into the main room and you took a seat on the couch while Somi opened the door.

“Mom, dad!” Somi grinned ear to ear and you swear you saw a halo of light form around her head. “Come in, come in! How was the flight?” She’s almost too good at hiding.

“It was good, enjoyable even,” her mother says. She then notices you. “Oh! Did you have a friend over?” You waved shyly.

“I did, yes, mom, dad, this is my best friend (Y/N),” she gestures toward you. But you stopped listening after she called you her best friend. What the hell was that? You literally had your entire tongue all up in her pussy less than an hour ago and now you’re just best friends? You held it in, took a deep breath, and smiled.

“Hello Mr. and Mrs. Douma,” you greeted them.

“Oh! Hi there,” her mother grins. “I didn’t know Ennik had such pretty friends.”

“Ennik?” You glanced over at her.

“Right, right, you like to go by Somi,” her father laughs.

“I don’t want to intrude, so I think I’ll head out now,” you made a move to head toward the front door, but her mom stops you.

“No, no! You should stay, (Y/N). Come on, I’ll make food for all of us,” she insists. And who were you to say no? You thought that at one point they would be your in-laws, but now you were starting to feel like that was a delusion.

And now that you were all seated at a table together, you felt like you’d learned so much about Somi, Ennik, all together. But, of all the cute things that her parents shared, there was one glaring truth that pierced your heart. Somi hadn’t come out to them. To her parents, she was still straight.

“How was that boy I set you up with, Ennik?” Her mother asks. A boy? You didn’t hear about her meeting anyone, not since that incident weeks ago.

“He was fine,” Somi responded as if she’d been practicing.

“I heard you went on more than three dates this time,” she chuckles. “Usually you give up after the first one, I guess this one was special, right? See, hon? I told you! No one knows our Ennik better than I do,” she nudges her husband.

“That’s right, mom!” Somi matched her energy. But all you could do was play with your food. Occasionally you’d eat a bite here and there so that they didn’t suspect, but there was just this heavy pit in your heart that threatened to swallow you whole, and for some reason it made you nauseous. Was it just you or was it hard to breathe in here? “Well, (Y/N)?” Somi’s mother turned to you.

“Sorry?” You shook your head.

“Oh, I was just wondering if you had a nice boy in your life too! You’re very pretty, I’m sure the boys are lining up to meet you,” she chuckles. The first person you thought of was Jaemin. Would he even be open to being in a relationship with you? He struck you as the kind of guy who was focusing on his education more than looking for something to commit to. But you wouldn’t say that you couldn’t see a future with him. Though you had to admit, while you saw yourself having something short with Jaemin, you could see your whole life with the woman to your right side.

“Yeah, there’s someone I’m interested in,” you finally answered, whether you were thinking of Somi or Jaemin you didn’t have time to figure out.

“See! Maybe since Ennik is with someone like you she’d find someone to settle down with,” her mother grins. “You should introduce Ennik to some of your friends.”

“Mom!” Ennik’s face reddens with embarrassment.

“I’m just saying, honey, your father and I want to take care of our grandchildren soon! You’re not getting any younger,” she says.

“Honey, maybe we shouldn’t talk about this with a stranger at the table,” Somi’s dad cuts in.

“Oh, it’s fine, they’re friends, right?” Somi’s mother looks to Somi, and you looked to her as well.

“Yeah, mom, (Y/N) and I are just friends!” She didn’t have an ounce of remorse on her features. You of all people should understand, you weren’t out to your parents either, but to lie to her parents with no consideration toward you? It didn’t even look like she regretted it one bit, and you knew Somi to wear her emotions on her sleeve. You turned away and drank some of your water. How ridiculous this all was, maybe it was always one sided from the start and everything these past few weeks was some delusion you fed yourself. How stupid of you to trust that you could give her your heart, how stupid of you. It was both of your agreed boundaries from the start to never expect anything deeper. There was a whole other conversation going on in front of you, one you weren’t a part of, and suddenly you felt this cold isolation building around you. Your skin was chilled but your heart was racing, and not in the good way. You felt all of your nerves tense up and you could feel the cold sweat at the back of your neck.

You had to get out of here.

You turned your phone over under the table and, keeping the screen hidden from Somi, you set a timer to go off after two minutes. Two minutes, that’s all you needed to pretend like everything was fine, and you’d pretend that someone was on the phone.

Brring!

Someone beat you to the punch. You canceled the timer and answered it without looking at the caller ID, you didn’t have the thought to. You just needed an excuse to leave.

“I’m sorry, I need to take this,” you apologized to her parents, who were staring right at you. “Hello?” You spoke while you stood up. You pushed your chair in and walked off into the bathroom.

“Hey, (Y/N).” It was Jaemin. You looked at yourself in the mirror, but then you quickly averted your eyes and leaned against the bathroom sink.

“Hey, Jaem, what’s up?” You asked him. He’s not the kind to call you.

“Are you busy?” You looked at the locked door.

“Not really, why?” You answered after some hesitation.

“Are you still on campus? If you’re free, I was wondering if we could study together at Starbucks.”

“Oh, right, for the precalc quiz, right?”

“Yeah.” Strange, Jaemin’s best subject was precalc right now. If you strained enough, you could hear the conversation behind you. Something about you.

“Sure, I’ll be there, I’ll head over right now.”

“Right now? Yeah, sure, I’m already here.”

“Okay, sounds like a plan, I’ll see you in a bit,” you caught your reflection on the medicine cabinet’s mirror and you wiped away the tears from your eyes.

“See you.” You hung up first, turning around fully and fixing your face before you walked back out.

“I’m sorry about that,” you apologized quickly.

“Who was that?” Somi asks, her voice noticeably different from before, but you couldn’t quite distinguish why.

“Uh… Jaemin,” you couldn’t, shouldn’t, come up with a lie.

“Who’s that?” Somi asks. No, you knew what that was. Your jaw tensed up and you took a second to calm down.

“Just someone I’m interested in,” you answered. Somi’s expression remained flat, though, but you could see some hint of shock in her eyes.

“And that’s how you do it, Ennik, if there’s someone you’re interested in, you pursue after them. This is why you keep complaining about being alone here!” Her mother shouts. You looked between them.

“Christ, mom! You’re doing this now?!” Somi finally lost her patience.

“Stop it, both of you!” Her father shouts. “You should go, (Y/N), I’m sorry about them.” You nodded your head slowly.

“I’m sorry for intruding, Somi didn’t tell me she was expecting people over, if I knew I wouldn’t have come,” you apologized to her father. You grabbed your things from the couch. “Bye, Somi. Thank you for lunch, Mr. and Mrs. Douma,” you nodded your head toward them and saw yourself out.

Then you were alone again. But you didn’t have time to worry, you didn’t have time to be afraid. Instead, your mind filled with a toxin you didn’t see coming, how could you?

“(Y/N)!” And she made it so much worse. “Let me walk you back!”

“No, it’s fine,” you said.

“You hate walking alone, let me walk you,” she says.

“Leave me alone,” you picked up the pace.

“Hold on, please!” She catches up with you easily, stopping in front of you. “What’s wrong?” She says between breaths. You scoffed and walked around her. The nerve. She knows what she did.

“Don’t worry about it, just talk with your parents,” you said back at her, but she didn’t stop there, she kept her pace with you.

“No, come on, I know you. I know my parents are a lot but I had to say what I said back there,” Somi defended while she stopped you in your tracks again.

“I know, and I understand that,” you said to her. “But that doesn’t mean that it still doesn’t hurt,” you shook your head.

“(Y/N)…” she reached out to you but you took a step back.

“Tonight… your plans are with that guy, huh?” You asked her. Somi stilled.

“I have to, my parents set us up.”

“Yeah, yeah,” you waved your hand and walked away from her again.

“(Y/N)! Come on, don’t be like that!”

“Don’t be like what, Somi?!” You whipped your head back. “Huh?!”

“Don’t—” She paused and took a deep breath. “You should understand where I’m coming from. It’s not like you’re out to your parents either!”

“Yeah, I know that, Somi, that’s why I said that I did understand. But it still fucking sucks and you can’t be upset at me for feeling bad for lying to your parents! They’re your parents for fucks sake!”

“Lying about what?” She asks you. She shakes her head. Your shoulders slumped.

“Ha,” you scoffed again. You were right. This was all one sided from the start. “Whatever.” You tried to ignore her.

“I don’t understand why this is such a big deal! You don’t even know what your sexuality is!” She shouts. Now you’re pissed. You marched back to her.

“Don’t you fucking dare assume you know me,” your voice was firm. “Don’t you dare say that when we’ve been seeing each other sexually for the past two months, Christ, Somi, we were just having sex a few hours ago and you think you can tell me I’m not sure of my sexuality? I’ve never been more sure. If anyone here has to check then it’s you. You say you’re a lesbian but all I hear from you are failed dates with men, what do you expect, Somi? What do you want me to say?” She’s silent, and you don’t know why. Does she really have nothing more to say for herself? She takes a deep breath. “Just go back home, Somi.”

“I’ll cancel tonight.”

“No, no, don’t do that,” you shook your head. “I already found another place to stay.” You were lying.

“No, (Y/N), come on,” she says.

“No, Somi. You said it yourself, you have to do this for your parents, and I get that. I’d do the same if my parents did that too,” you tried to calm yourself down. That’s how the both of you were, you had your arguments with your parents, but you still loved them, you couldn’t just break their hearts and Somi was the same. Countless times you’d heard her praise her parents, you’d heard the way she spoke of them so highly with so much tenderness in her voice, so you really truly understood where she was coming from. “I have to go now.”

“Are you really going to see someone else?” She asks.

“Yeah, I am,” you didn’t know why she was so pressed about that. She’s been seeing others too.

“Are you actually interested in him or did you say that because of my mom?”

“Why do you care so much?” She couldn’t answer. But you wanted her to, you wanted her to tell you not to see him so fucking bad. But she didn’t. There was a tense silence between you both, disturbed only by the cars driving past you. “You said it yourself, Somi, you didn’t lie about anything,” you said quietly, “I’m leaving now,” you cut the conversation. 

“If you leave, then it’s over between us,” Somi says suddenly.

“And what was between us, Somi?” You asked. She didn’t answer. So you left. And, this time, she didn’t try to stop you.

You were on autopilot after that, walking all the way to the Starbucks on campus without paying attention to much else, you were too angry to even worry about anything else. And you really thought your walk calmed you down, but it was just a small question that made you feel like sobbing.

“Hey, (Y/N)—” Jaemin stopped before he said anything more. “What happened?” He asked it so sweetly and, instead of answering him, you buried your face in your hands.

And that’s how your second heartbreak happened. You felt like shutting the world out, and so you did. The voices of people around you fell muted, the sound of passing cars too, and finally the sound of Jaemin packing his things in front of you. You heard him knock on the table in front of you and you slid your hands down your face just enough to see him.

“Wanna head out?” He asks. You nodded and followed him. The walk was silent, but you didn’t hate it. You followed him to his dorm, something you thought you’d never do, but here you were. You’re just not making any good decisions today, aren’t you? Your phone kept going off with texts from Somi, all of which you didn’t pay attention to, and you were left asking the same question you asked her to yourself. Why did you care so much?

“Sorry, Jaemin, I know you wanted to study,” you sighed. He unlocked the door and let you inside first.

“Don’t worry about it, (Y/N),” he closed it behind you both. “We all have our days.”

“Yeah, but you weren’t supposed to see mine,” you looked around. It came as no surprise that it was neat, it was more surprising that both sides of the dorm were clean, but it was so easy to guess which side was Jaemin’s, what with the various cameras and pictures taped to the wall. Huh, funny, when did you find out that Jaemin was into that? Probably around the same time you started posing for the pictures he thought he was taking when you all didn’t notice.

“You can sit anywhere, my roommate went home for the week,” he starts picking up loose items before stacking them on his roommate’s desk while you took a seat at his. Jaemin reaches over you and hands you a photo album.

“You’re… you’re not going to ask?” You felt like you were starting to cry now.

“I don’t know about you, but I always hated it when people make me talk about why I’m sad when it’s obvious, it always made me more frustrated,” he leans against his roommate’s desk while turned toward you. “Did you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

“That’s what I figured,” he pulls his phone out and gestures for you to open the photo album. So you did. And it was probably one of the nicest things you’d ever seen. On the first page was the year with the caption ‘Freshman Year’ under it, and in the pages following were various pictures taken at various events. The first couple you could tell was orientation since they depicted a lot of the games and events you remembered from yours too. The next few were events you recognized, since you were there too, they were pictures of the study group back when it was just a study group, what with the pictures of you standing in front of a whiteboard with senseless equations on it and with other pictures of Keeho struggling flipping through his textbooks. Then there were pictures of when that study group became a friend group, pictures of the outings you went to, the impromptu food runs, and the late night roadtrips. And, slowly, you started to notice a trend where you became the subtle subject of the photos, moving from the sidelines to the forefront, and you didn’t hate it. You, who could barely look in the mirror, loved seeing these pictures of you, what are the odds?

“Hey, you’re really good,” you complimented him. “I don’t even remember you taking half of these.”

“That’s probably because I was trying to be subtle about it, I was going for candid photos but, I gotta ask, when did you start noticing?”

“Around that time we went to get ramen, you accidentally turned your flash on so I started paying more attention,” you said it with a teasing voice.

“Dammit, I really thought I played that one off too,” he laughs.

“Right, right, you said you accidentally turned your flashlight on, like I’d fall for that one,” you rolled your eyes, but maintained a small smile. No wonder you started becoming the subject, you thought. You’re the one who noticed he was taking these small pictures in the first place.

“I was going to show you all once the year ended, actually,” he notices you flipping through the empty pages. “Or probably when we all graduate, I think that would’ve been more nostalgic.”

“So why show me now?”

“Why not?”

“Good question,” you turned back to the last couple. You had a hunch, but you felt like it would be ridiculous to say it out loud. “But I asked you first,” you couldn’t deny that you were curious.

“Well… nothing lasts forever, right?” He asks. You look at him. “I know it’s bad to think like this, but sometimes I wonder if our group will stick together for our whole four years. Then Yeji does something outrageous that makes me realize ‘oh fuck I’m stuck with these people for four years’ and that anxiety leaves, but, then it comes back,” he’s never really talked this much with you before. Maybe it was because you were in a space he was comfortable in, or maybe it was because he was with you, you didn’t know. “I guess I showed it to you because…” he trails off and adjusts his position on the desk. You couldn’t ignore the twinge of pink on his face and at the tips of his ears. But you stayed silent, because you didn’t know what to say to what you thought he was going to say. He takes a deep breath. “I want us to…” he trails off again, as if picking the right words in his head right now. “I want to spend my four years with you, at the very least.” Why did you feel some relief when he said that? It wasn’t a confession, it was a wish.

“I think we will,” you said.

“Yeah?”

“I don’t know, I don’t plan on leaving you or the group, at least,” you crossed your legs on the chair. “Do you?”

“Nope, I enjoy spending time with you all, even if we don’t get any work done,” he chuckles.

“What counts is that we do get work done when we have to,” you place the photo album back where it came from and rubbed your eyes. “I still can’t believe we spent a whole semester together, and that we’re still hanging out now that a new one started,” you mumbled.

“I know, our schedules are a little different now.”

“Like they weren’t before,” you remembered the struggles of planning anything with all of you. “It feels like I’ve known you all for ages.”

“Right? You all already know too much about me,” he shakes his head.

“God, this is why drinking together is dangerous,” you laughed, remembering the time you all drank together in Keeho’s dorm, and how you all knocked out on his floor too. Jaemin looks at the clock off to the side.

“Hey, want me to walk you back to the drop off? You usually get picked up around this time, right?” He asks.

“Uh… no, it’s fine,” you shook your head. Right, you needed a place to stay tonight, and going home wasn’t an option since you didn’t have a ride. 

“You sure? I noticed you don’t like being alone,” he says. Would it be too much for you to ask if you could stay over? Were you close enough to ask that? You could chance Yeji, but you know that her nightmare roommate hates it when the other girls have people over and you didn’t want to make Yeji deal with that. There wasn’t anything wrong with staying with Keeho either, other than his creepy roommate which now that you thought about it was a very valid reason not to ask him. 

“Yeah, I’m sure. I, uh, I don’t have a ride home today,” you finally told him.

“Oh yeah? Who are you staying with tonight?”

“I’m figuring that out right now, the person I had in mind,” you hesitated, “the person I had in mind had other people over today.”

“I get it. You could stay over here if you can’t find anywhere else, like I said, my roommate left for the week,” Jaemin says.

“Are you sure? You won’t get in trouble?”

“Yeah, my RA really doesn’t care,” he says.

“Really? Can’t he get in trouble for that?” Jaemin leans over and opens the mini fridge next to him, the small thing filled to the brim with alcohol.

“Probably, but he’s the one who gave us these so,” Jaemin shrugs.

“Are those Trulys?” You spotted the seltzers just as he closed it.

“What’s your favorite flavor?”

“Strawberry.” He reaches into the fridge again and pulls out two cans and hands one to you. “Thanks.”

“Yeah,” you both open your cans at the same time and you swallow a good majority of it down. “Ah, this is nice after ending midterms,” you felt yourself relaxing already. Jaemin nodded silently. “Wait, we are done, right?”

“Yup, our finals are in a week though, so there’s no rest for the wicked,” he says.

“Aw, hell,” you cried. You chugged the rest of the drink down and placed it next to you. “Can I have another one of those?” Jaemin hands you his, which still had a considerable amount, before grabbing another one from the fridge. “And… if you’re okay with it, could I ask a few questions?”

“Shoot.” You chugged more of the can in your hands before starting.

“I have this friend,” you started. You still weren’t sure if you should even ask him, you would be telling a secret that you’d kept from everyone since the year started, and for some reason you didn’t want to end the fantasy, but at the same time you knew that you shouldn’t keep it to yourself too. “She’s seeing someone right now, someone she really likes and that she thought liked her back, but then she said something really hurtful, after doing so many things that couples usually do, the girl she liked told her parents that they were just friends and nothing more. So, now she’s really upset about that. But she knows she shouldn’t be, she understands her, but she’s still really really upset,” you could feel your eyes tearing up again. This whole time, Jaemin listened very carefully. “So now my friend feels cheated, in a way. She knows she shouldn’t because from the get go she agreed to not expect anything more out of the relationship, but then it became something more and the girl she likes outright denied it in front of her, and then she expected for everything to be okay after when it obviously can’t. Is my friend wrong for feeling that way?” You felt bad for word vomiting him, but you just couldn’t stop talking. Your thoughts were a mile a minute and your mouth was struggling to catch up.

“No, I don’t think your friend is in the wrong,” he says. “I’d be upset too. If I was hanging out with someone a lot doing things that couples usually do, and then she told me that we were just friends, I think I’d be pretty mad, actually,” he says. “It never feels good to be led on.”

“Thank you, I thought I was going crazy.”

“I thought we were talking about your friend,” he said this in a light tone. You knew he wouldn’t have bought the friend excuse from the start.

“Yeah, well, I’m starting to feel tipsy so it’s not like I can keep up a lie anyway,” you finished your drink and put it to the side.

“You’re feeling tipsy on Trulys?”

“I also haven’t slept in the last 24 hours, so there’s that,” you admitted.

“That’ll do it,” he chuckles.

“Can I have another one?”

“Is that a good idea?”

“Probably not.”

“Okay then,” he hands you another can and you opened it quickly.

“So… who is she?”

“You wouldn’t know her,” you shook your head. “I barely know her.” You thought back to your conversation with her parents earlier, they were saying so many things about her that you didn’t expect to hear or expect her to be like at all, and suddenly you felt like you didn’t know her at all.

“I mean, yeah, but it still sucks to be in your position,” he says before drinking.

“Yeah, it really does…” you muttered.

“Drink slower, (Y/N).”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” you kept your pace.

“Do you like her a lot?”

“Yeah. But I don’t think she likes me that way,” you shook your head. “I thought she did, but today kinda proved to me that she didn’t. How could she say such hurtful things and look like it didn’t bother her at all?” You looked at your phone and silenced her incoming call.

“Looks like she wants to talk about it.”

“I don’t,” you flipped your phone over. “God, Jaem, if I told you the things we were up to you wouldn’t believe it.”

“Knowing you, I probably would,” he tips his can to you and you tapped yours against it in a lonely toast, and you both drank more. “Try me.”

“We fucked, like, a lot.”

“I believe it.”

“Why?”

“(Y/N), you seriously don’t think we wonder why you run off right after class? Yeji joked that you were seeing someone but Keeho and I didn’t buy it. I figured you just needed some time off after spending too much time with us, but the more Yeji joked about it the more I realized it could be true,” he says.

“And true it was.”

“So all of that led you to think she liked you too?”

“Well, we started out as cuddle buddies.”

“That’ll do it,” he repeats and drinks more.

“Then we became friends with benefits, I kinda sorta confessed to her and I thought she accepted it.”

“You can’t kinda sorta confess to someone, (Y/N), you have to be clear about your intentions,” he says.

“I was clear!”

“Were you?” You thought back.

“Maybe I wasn’t super clear… I just started saying things that we did together and then we fucked so I just assumed…”

“Christ…” he shakes his head.

“I wouldn’t know how to confess anyway, I thought I was being obvious,” your face was starting to heat up from both the embarrassment and the alcohol.

“How did you confess anyway?”

“She said that she thought no one could ever love her. So, I wanted to prove her wrong, and I just started saying things we did together and how it was impossible for anyone not to fall in love with that because I fell in love with that, and, like…”

“You fucked?”

“We fucked!” You shouted and Jaemin laughed. “It was my first time too, and I told her that. I told her I trusted her because I thought she liked me back and… oh god, Jaemin you have to promise not to tell anyone about this. What I confess to you here stays in here.”

“Yeah, my lips are sealed,” he says.

“Clear, clear, it’s hard to be clear about that stuff,” you say. “How am I supposed to say it? ‘I love you’?”

“Just like that, yeah.”

“I couldn’t do it like that.”

“Sure you could, you just did.”

“Yeah, well, she’s not here, is she? Do you know how hard it is to confess face to face someone you want to date?”

“No,” he shakes his head. “I could try though,” he shrugs.

“Unfortunate woman,” you laughed. He chugs the rest of his drink down, put it aside, and walked toward you, resting his hands on either side of you now. Your breath caught in your throat.

“Huh, you’re right, it is pretty hard,” he was very close to you now. His face was reddening more now, his eyes half lidded in a mix of tiredness and drunkness, and you wondered how you looked to him right now.

“Unfortunate man.”

“I know,” he pushes off of the desk, but you hold onto his wrist.

“Jaem…” you hesitated. It was so selfish of you to ask him this. “Do you want to hook up?” He raises an eyebrow now.

“I think we’re both too drunk to make a good decision.”

“Shouldn’t that cancel things out?”

“I told you I don’t like being led on.”

“What if I’m not leading you on though?”

“Aren’t you?” You were silent at this.

“No.”

“You just told me five minutes ago about a woman you really like.”

“And she doesn’t like me back.”

“So you go to me instead.”

“… Yeah.”

“Sure, let’s do it.”

“You sure?”

“Either I’m being led on and you just want to confirm something, or I have a real chance here,” he says. “Which is it?”

“Would it be weird if I said both?”

“Yeah, actually.”

“Well…” you thought for a moment, and a horrible thought struck you. If you had a boyfriend, then you’d never have to come out to your parents, you’d never have to experience that heart break and you’d never have to put them through that heart break. “I’d say you have a real chance.” 

“(Y/N), I really like you,” he confesses. “I’m serious, I do, I want to be something with you,” he continues. “So, please, don’t lead me on.”

“I won’t,” you said this, but there was still that lingering doubt at the back of your head. “I won’t lead you on.” And without another word he pressed forward, lips locking with yours, and you reciprocated. You could taste the hints of watermelon on him and even more so when you deepened it. Your hands squeezed his wrists now, and his hands interlocked with yours. You know you shouldn’t compare, but this feeling was just different from whenever you and Somi made out. You’d never pictured a future with him, but the more you thought about it the clearer it became, but that future was so different than the one you wanted with Somi. This one… this one was more realistic, you think.

But it felt like you were going through the motions. Taking your clothes off, taking his off, and somehow making it to his bed, even rolling the condom on was something you were surprisingly good with considering you’d only had sex with Somi before this. Sex with Jaemin wasn’t what you’d expected at all, and part of you felt bad that you were just using him to prove a point to yourself. And maybe it was a bad idea to do this when you were both drunk, then again you always preached that drunk actions were sober thoughts. Speaking of, you wondered if he could read them now. It felt like he was staring into your very mind while your mouth sank down on his cock. It was such a different feel than with Somi, despite the obvious, and now you wondered which you really preferred. Did you like the sweet and tender touches that Somi dragged out or did you prefer the way Jaemin went down on you with firm and sharp grasps? Did you prefer the soft kisses from her or the rough ones from him? Maybe you liked the stimulation from how your pussy slid over hers versus how Jaemin pounded into yours.

Or maybe you just didn’t give a fuck.

Jaemin pressed his lips against yours again, holding your jaw in such a way that your lips parted enough for him to deepen the kiss and you let him do so, you even encouraged it as you pressed against him and let a subdued moan out while he worked his cock into you, stretching your walls in a way you’d never experienced before. Your head tilted back, feeling an intense pleasure that was so different from the one you’d known from before. You felt his bed rocking beneath you, and you really hoped that no one could hear it.

“Oh fuck, oh god,” your moans were breathy and you could hear his silenced whimpers and loud groans.

“Fuck, you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this,” he said quietly. You swallowed harshly. What did he mean by that? You didn’t want to know, and instead you pulled him down onto your lips again, something he reciprocated quickly while quickening his pace. You felt yourself building to your orgasm, and your fingers naturally settled over your clit while you chased after it.

“Keep going like that,” you said into his ear. “Ah, oh hell, I’m almost there,” you grinded against his waist and he kept his pace, pounding into you as if to prove a point and, though it scared you to admit it, you didn’t hate it.

Truly bisexual, you didn’t know if you should be proud or afraid of that fact. Your fingernails dug into Jaemin’s back, no doubt leaving some kind of mark behind when you released him shortly during your moments of bliss. Then, right as you reached your orgasm, you felt him start to speed up, no doubt looking for his own release and, finally, he stilled in your pussy, the condom filling up with cum before he pulled out of you. He leans over you now, both hands on either side of your head and face inches away from yours.

Now this isn’t fair, how could he still look handsome after all that? You’re half sure you look like an exhausted rat under him. And when he pushed the hair out of his face you swear you felt your heart jump out but then realization hit.

You felt a pang of guilt, having asked to hook up with Jaemin. You knew that Somi didn’t take your relationship seriously, she was still seeing people on the side other than you, hell, the two of you weren’t even properly dating, so what was so wrong about this? What’s so wrong about getting dicked down by one of your friends in his dorm after having a fight with her?

Many things, actually. You didn’t really think of any repercussions, you were just angry, and very drunk. You felt played, almost, like Somi had taken your heart out and tossed it around before giving it back. And your intentions weren’t exactly clear either. Sure, you’d had some attraction toward him, jokingly calling him the ‘Cute Boy in all our classes’ to Yeji and her teasing you relentlessly when he joined the study group, but your vision was clouded with the rose colored sunglasses that Somi had put on you. And now that you took those off, you didn’t know anymore.

Again, he kissed you, and again you kissed back. You didn’t know what your intentions were, but you did know one thing.

In your life, it was easier to love him than it was to love her.

~

It was a long time before you saw her again, Somi. After that night with Jaemin, after waking up in his arms and feeling like something was right with him, you started to be together more. There wasn’t exactly a title on this relationship though, both of you had agreed to get to know each other better romantically first before pursuing it altogether, but this time there was a clear end goal, you both liked each other and you both hoped for something more and, this time, that sentiment existed outside of the confined space of his dorm. You even told your parents about him, they’ve even met him and they thought he was a nice young man, and right after that you screwed in his car.

Everything you had hoped to do with Somi, you did with him, and somehow they felt so much better. You thought you were fully moving on from her, that you had something good going on with Jaemin.

But tonight, with his arms wrapped around you while you watched some A24 film on his laptop, you got a text from her, something she hadn’t done in two months now.

‘Come over, please.’ You stared at the text, and so did Jaemin. You turned your phone over and his head falls on your shoulder.

“You should go over there,” he says. You twist to look at him, surprised at his comment. After that first night with him neither of you brought her up.

“Why?”

“I think you deserve that closure, and so does she,” he says.

“I don’t know, if I should, Jaem, what if I…” you didn’t finish your sentence. It would break his heart.

“What if you fall for her again?” He took the words right out of your mouth.

“I don’t think that will happen,” you shook your head.

“I’m pretty sure she fell for you, I think she fell hard. But I don’t think she realized it until after you left,” he says. “A lot of people don’t think about that. They don’t realize what they lost until it’s gone, you know?”

“Right, yeah,” you nodded. You didn’t really mourn what you’d lost with her, now that you thought about it. And the way it ended so abruptly, maybe that’s why.

Plus, you were afraid of the way your heart ached when you saw that text. A part of you must have still loved her, and Jaemin must have seen that.

“Are you sure?” You asked him.

“Why are you asking for my permission? She’s your first love.”

“I know but…” you shook your head.

“Go ahead, and call me if you need me to come get you,” he lets you go and you slid off his bed. “Go, (Y/N), go talk to her.”

“Do you think I’m ready?”

“Are we ever?” He closes his laptop.

“You’re not going to ask to walk with me?”

“I figured you’d want to do this alone.” It was cruel that he knew you so well and you barely knew him at all. He had always paid attention to you, and you were too busy looking at her to realize that.

“Thanks, Jaemin.”

“Yeah, of course, go ahead,” he watches you go.

You remembered the way so clearly, how to get to her apartment and which routes were the fastest. But standing at her door, you didn’t know what to expect. You always had this vague idea but now you weren’t so sure. It’d been a good amount of time, a lot can happen in two months, and here you were. You knocked on her door, and she opened it.

“Hi, you’re just in time,” she pulls you in and seats you on the couch. “I gotcha something,” she disappears into her room and comes back out with a present.

“Oh, uh… thanks, Somi,” you took it in her hands. “What’s the occasion?”

“Six months, right?” She tucks her hair behind her ears and you paused. So she was keeping count.

“Of what?” You asked her.

“Our relationship, right?” She says with a tightlipped smile. You pushed the present back into her hands.

“Don’t do this, Somi.”

“Don’t do what?”

“You know what,” you said.

“What? We took a break.”

“From what?” You asked her. You just wanted her to do one thing. You wanted her to tell you that you had something together, you wanted her to acknowledge that you loved her and she lead you on. How hard was it for her to say that you were in a relationship? No, no, you take it back. You don’t want her to just do that, you want her to apologize for what she said two months ago. That shit was horrible, all of it. But why did you feel yourself caving into her again? Why did you feel your heart beating toward her again? You were nothing more than a friend to her, she made that very clear, but here you were with that small hope of salvaging what was lost.

Really, would it kill her to just say those two words? I’m sorry. That’s all you ever wanted to hear from her, at least once. All those texts you got from her all asking you to come over and all of them you ignored, but you never had the heart to block her. You wanted to hear her acknowledge that what she did was wrong, you wanted her to know that what she did was so horrible to you, and you wanted her to know that what she did was fucked up. But, at the same time, you would be beside yourself to see her so upset, you hated to see the way she got too in her head about it and you couldn’t do anything to help her besides sitting next to her and lending a comforting ear.

But this?

You needed an apology for this.

No, you needed so much more than just an apology for this.

You sat in front of her dumbfounded. No words were exchanged between you and her, just intense silence. What she had just told you… it broke you. How could she even think that what she said back then was remotely alright?

“I don’t know why you’re so angry.”

“Are you serious? You don’t know why I’m mad?” You asked her. Somi nodded her head.

“I don’t…” her voice was so quiet.

“Somi I’m going to ask you this one more time… what are we?” You kept your gaze steady. “What am I to you, Somi?” She broke her already weakened eye contact with you and stared at her hands, before finally burying her face in them. “Somi, I need to hear it from you. What are we?” You repeated your question and her hands reached out to hold your face ever so softly, the same way she always did when she wanted you to listen to her.

“I love you, (Y/N), I love you,” she said instead, but you shook your head.

“No, I don’t think you do,” you reached up to pull her hands away from you, but she instead wraps her arms around you.

“I do, I do, I love you,” she held onto you like if she’d let go you’d leave forever. And after everything, maybe you would.

“Somi, let go,” you couldn’t hold her back. You couldn’t find it in you to.

“I can’t, I won’t,” she says.

“Let your best friend go,” you said with a more stern voice, and that stopped her movements. She released you slowly, keeping at least some contact with you. “I don’t get you, Somi. You said that there was nothing between us but here you are! The first time you tell me you loved me was right now after you ended things. God, I feel like I was never really important to you until after I left. I don’t think you ever took what we had seriously, and when you told me you did I don’t think you meant it. I love you, Somi. But I don’t think our definitions of love are the same,” you shook your head.

“I do love you,” she repeats.

“And you couldn’t have told me that two months ago?”

“No, I didn’t know then!”

“But you knew I loved you. You knew I did and still you said those things.”

“I take them back, all of them!”

“You can’t just do that, Somi!” You raised your voice. “You can’t just pretend that everything’s okay, it’s not! Answer my question, what were we?” You pressed her more and she shook her head.

“I don’t know what we were.”

“You don’t know?”

“I don’t! When I met you I just wanted something casual, but when I got to know you I wanted something more and I was afraid of that! I was afraid of loving you,” she says. “You know how my family is, what my culture is, it wouldn’t have been easy.”

“So you took the easy way out.”

“I… yeah. I did.”

“I can’t even blame you, I did the same thing,” you said quietly. “But… we could’ve worked something out. I really thought we could’ve. I was so ready to come out to my parents for you, but you weren’t. Somi, our whatever never left these walls. Whenever I saw you on campus you pretended that you didn’t see me, whenever I asked to go out with you you’d say you were busy, our whatever wasn’t good for either of us,” you shook your head. “I don’t blame you for taking the easy way, Somi, I just blame you for fucking with my feelings.”

“(Y/N)…” she reaches for you again, but you move away from her. You couldn’t look at her, either, because Jaemin was right, you were so sure that you’d fall for her again. She slides the present to you again and you clenched your jaw. “(Y/N), I’m sorry.” Fucking finally. Tears started to fall down your face, they landed on the wrapping paper beneath you and smudged the ink on the tag.

“You couldn’t have said that before?”

“I didn’t know how to.”

“And you expect us to be okay?”

“I do.”

“Then lower your expectations,” you said to her.

“No, (Y/N), let’s work this out.”

“Have you come out to your parents?”

“Have you?”

“I take that as a no,” you wiped the tears off your face quickly.

“It’s not that easy, (Y/N)! At least you’re still attracted to men! You coming out wouldn’t be as bad as me!” She shouts and you swallowed your gasp.

“Excuse me?!” You stood up, the present dropping onto the couch.

“No, no, I… I didn’t mean it like that!” She stands up too, grabbing your hands and holding them between you and her. You shook your head and took a deep breath.

“What did you want from me today?” You asked quietly.

“I… I wanted to be with you,” she said in a similar tone. “I wanted to tell you that I wanted to be with you, I want to take it a step further.”

“No, I can’t do that with you,” you shook your head.

“Why not?”

“God, Somi, have you not been listening to our conversation?” You exasperated. “Somi… we can’t be together, not right now, not ever,” you told her. “Somi what we had… it’s not healthy. We only saw each other in here, we only saw each other when we needed to see each other, and we never saw each other just because we wanted to. Somi that’s not a relationship, that’s toxic!”

“We can make it healthy!”

“No, we can’t! Listen to yourself! You’re just invalidating everything I’m telling you,” you pulled your hands from her grasp.

“(Y/N), please, I want to make this right!” She says.

“You already did, you apologized for it already, there’s nothing more that we need to do.”

“(Y/N), please,” she insists. “I’m moving back home, I’m going back to South Korea.”

“And? You want me to be in a relationship with you for however much time before you leave? That’s so fucked up,” you shook your head. “I shouldn’t have come today.”

“No, no, I’m so happy you came, (Y/N)!” She says. “Please don’t go.”

“I should leave, Somi, I really should,” you told her.

“I know, I know, I fucked up! I just wanted to spend one more night with you, (Y/N),” she says.

“No, that’s not a good idea, Somi.”

“Please—”

“Don’t you see that this is hard for me too? Somi I loved you so much that I sacrificed nearly as much just to see you! I lied to so many people because I wanted to be with you, but then you told me that that was nothing? And now you want something, I… I can’t,” you wiped your tears again. Somi takes a step back.

“You moved on quickly.”

“You said it yourself, there was nothing to move on from.”

“But there was.”

“And you didn’t know it until I left.”

“Yeah, I didn’t,” she says. She picks up the gift again and hands it to you. “At least take this.”

“Why?”

“Call it a goodbye gift.”

“Fine then.”

“(Y/N), you are my first love.”

“And so are you.” She was the first one you were actually serious about, the first one you wanted to work out, and the first one you thought you really loved.

“I want this to work out, but…” she takes a deep breath, “but you’re right. It’s bad for both of us.”

“Yeah,” you played with the ribbon on the gift. “When do you fly out?”

“Next week.”

“Have a safe flight,” you told her.

“Thank you,” she says. You stood up again, and this time she just followed you.

“I’ll head out now,” you looked at her with your hand on the doorknob.

“Wait…” she says. “You didn’t get me anything…” you sighed.

“What do you want, then?”

“Can… can I kiss you one more time?” She asks. You hesitated.

“Okay,” you turned to her fully and she wrapped her hands around your face before pressing her lips softly to yours. You had almost forgotten what they felt like, how soft they were and how they moved against yours, and if you didn’t come tonight maybe you would have entirely. You let her take her time, this was more for her than it was for you. And when she finally pulled away from you that’s when you felt your sadness catch up with you.

You did want something more with her. But you knew it wouldn’t work out. There would be thousands of miles between you both in a week and there was no feasible way for you both to be together, not with all that baggage from before.

“Goodbye, Somi,” you opened the door.

“Goodbye, (Y/N).”

And that’s how you said goodbye to your first love, the real one. Not some silly crush, not someone you knew you didn’t have a chance with, but someone who really impacted you, someone who changed you for the better. You finally mourned what you lost with her. And when you returned to Jaemin’s dorm, you moved back into his arms, and you held him close to you and he to him.

“She got you a gift?”

“She’s moving to Korea.”

“A goodbye gift, then.”

“Yeah,” you reached for it now, holding the gift in your hand. The tag just said her name and yours and nothing more. “Should I open it?”

“Gifts were meant to be open.” You pulled on the ribbon and tore the wrapping paper carefully, and inside was a small wooden box with Korean lettering across the top.

“What does it say?” You held it so that he could read it.

“Hamoni Moggong,” he recites. “I’m pretty sure it’s the company name, Harmony Carpentry,” he says.

“Huh,” you slid the top off and you pulled out the music box concealed within. When you opened it, a familiar tune played with a flower slowly spinning in the middle atop a small mirror. Inside of it was a slip of paper. You held it up, the whole thing was written in hangul, and you handed it to Jaemin. He read through it carefully before turning it around in his hands.

“Love from afar, these music boxes come in pairs, one for me and one for you,” he translates. And again you found yourself crying, and Jaemin couldn’t do anything more but to hold you close to him.

~

Then the years went by. And before you knew it, you had graduated with the same four people you’d started with. You and Jaemin were still together, now entering your third year of officially dating, while Yeji and Keeho constantly teased you both about it. But every now and then you caught yourself thinking of Somi, the first person to have made you feel loved and the first person you thought you’d be with forever, and it made you sadder.

A week after you saw her, you’d noticed she’d removed you on Tinder. You couldn’t see her instagram anymore, and you were blocked on her snapchat. And you didn’t know why, there was no way you could’ve reached out to her either, it was like she’d cut all contact, and that hurt you. She was the one who wanted to make things right but then she did that? And, to make matters worse, the summer of your senior year you got into yet another huge argument with your parents, one that near left you disowned, and when you’d run away from home, you knew that as soon as you’d come back, you were finished. You knew your parents too well, you knew what their discipline was like and, so, when you’d finally returned home, you deleted all traces of Somi from your photos, all your texts and all your memories, they were gone. And true to your predictions, your parents took all your devices away and reduced you to the child they saw you as.

And when you got your things back, when you’d all apologized to each other, you cried. Everything you had of Somi, of the girl you owed so much to, was gone, because you’d rather be completely disowned for deleting things from your phone than disowned for loving another woman. Even that beautiful music box she gave you, to your parents and everyone else, it was a gift from Jaemin. But to you and Jaemin it was proof of what you had before.

You never did come out to your parents. Being with Jaemin, loving him and him loving you, provided enough cover and a large enough shield for you to avoid it. And so your story with Somi ended that way. With a small music box collecting dust in your closet.

“Oh we gotta go on Space Mountain,” Keeho points at the map and Yeji checks her phone.

“The wait is three hours!” She shouts.

“Okay and? Genie pass,” he says.

“Oh, right… it’s redeemable for nine at night,” she says.

“What?!” Keeho looks at his phone too. The four of you had agreed to have a graduation trip to Disneyland of all the places, after Yeji had told you all that she’d never gone, it was a must.

“Ooh, we should do Small World too, we gotta hit the main attractions for Yeji,” you said.

“Got it, got it,” Keeho writes it down on his phone.

“You are surprisingly very good at planning things,” Jaemin teases.

“Hey! I’m an older brother, I have to be good at these things,” he says.

“(Y/N)?!” You swear you could hear your voice being called somewhere, and you stopped in your tracks, your friends looking confusingly behind you.

“Did you say my name, Jaem?” He was the only person behind you.

“No,” he shakes his head. “What’s up?” Jaemin asks.

“Did any of you guys call me?” You looked around.

“No, we’re just trying to get to the ferris wheel,” Keeho points at the large attraction.

“Well, no shit, but… hmm…” you looked back one last time and you felt your heart stop. The passerbys around you seemed to slow into blurs as you made eye contact with her and, again, you saw your name form on her lips, then you realized you were walking towards her with the voices of your friends drowning into the muted chatter of the crowd, then you realized she was walking towards you too, and now you’re both running.

“Somi?!” You called her name out just in case and you saw her nod, you saw her press her lips in a tight line and you saw her smile despite the sadness in her eyes and, just as you noticed the ringing in your ears, you both melted into each other’s embrace, and you felt that beautiful and wonderful feeling of being loved yet again. But at this moment, though you still held her tight, you realized something. If there was one thing you’d learned from university despite the obvious, it was that, for the better, nothing lasts forever.

And that’s okay.

~

Epilogue

“Hey, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to sleep in,” you rushed into the kitchen with your things practically spilling from your arms and your glasses refusing to stay on your face, you looked like a complete mess, you knew that, but when you looked up to greet her she instead cupped your face and pulled you into a gentle kiss. Your shoulders relaxed, backpack and all else clattering on the floor forgotten and hands instead brushing the hair from her face. The kiss was sweet and full of a yearning you couldn’t quite describe, it was as if it were something you had missed for a whole lifetime or something that you had only expected to experience in dreams. She’s perfect in every meaning of the word and at the same time she is imperfect in everything else.

But you love her. You love her so much.

When you separate you are filled with this strange desire that left you chasing after her. It was like your hearts were magnets, opposite charges that pull each other together, and that it did. Your arms were locked around her torso, your bodies fitted so perfectly against each other that it would have been criminal to separate you two. And, just like that, you felt like you were where you belonged.

“(Y/N),” her voice was so soft. It grew and blossomed in your chest and you could feel your smile widen. “(Y/N),” she repeats your name again and you looked up at her. There, her eyes, you could look at them forever and you could see your entire life with her.

A life where you would be with the one you loved and the one who loved you back. You could see the sleepy mornings that followed the passionate nights, you could see the way she would hold you so tenderly, the way she would frame your face in her hands and the way you’d do the same. You could feel her love radiating from her smile alone.

“Ennik…" her name was like a sacred thing to you. Her name was meant to represent strength, you learned that recently, yet to you it was the most gentlest word in your dictionary. A name so strong belonged to a woman so tender that it held a knew meaning. Then, as a sweet smile rose on her face, her nose brushed yours so slightly before she rose enough to kiss the tip. “I love you,” your words were lighter than the sun that surrounded you.

Somi beamed slightly, the closed-lip smile perfectly setting on her features.

Then, as if shaken into reality, a booming voice behind you.

“Somi!” The voice was so cold. You both turned and, like that, the fantasy had ended.

Somi pushed away from you and took a step back. The look in her eyes was one of solitary melancholy. She gave you one last hug and you held her tightly, as if you knew this was as much closure as you’d ever receive.

“I love you,” her voice broke you.

“I forgive you.” And yours broke her.

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