#ive tried to explain this to ppl before but like i dont think they GET it. you know?

[illogicalghost]

seriously, is it actually normal for people (without ADHD/autism) to be able to filter out background noise?? because that is like... unfathomable to me. im waiting in the dentist office rn and i can hear the receptionist talking on the phone, the radio, a tool being used, and a conversation in the back all at the same time at the same volume. if i try VERY hard i can focus on one, but i physically cannot block out the other noises no matter how hard i try... how do people do it?? ive always been completely baffled by the concept. its actually hard to even type this out because the noises are so distracting.

[oyasleepy]

i miss deviantart so so so so so fucking bad rn

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for inviting my cousin to an LGBT meet up?

Cw: mentions of suicide and transphobia

I (18M) am a trans man and my cousin N (21F) is a lesbian who is very masc presenting. We're the only queer cousins in the family (at least in our generation) so weve always been good friends and shes been one of the biggest supporters of my transition, defended me from bigoted family members and always corrected family when they used my deadname/old pronouns. I lowkey hoped she would come out as a trans man or nonbinary as well. We dress in the same style which makes it so when were hanging out together one of us is gonna get misgendered since people asume both of us are trans men or masc girls. When N is the one being misgendered she doesnt bother fighting it since its more trouble than its worth but looking back i think it really annoyed her.

Earlier this year N was severely struggling with her mental health. I apologize for the wording i may have since i dont know the proper terminology for this stuff or any specific disorder diagnosis she may have (other than autism). She was having some sort of manic or depressive episode. She was dead set on pushing people away and making them hate her so she could take her own life without regrets.

I visited N once to give her my support during a struggling time but i stupidly told her there was nothing she could say that would push me away. She told me not to test her but i kept pushing it and i admit what happened next was my fault. She told me in a very cold voice that she was a terf, though that she didnt want me dead but that "we" (im guessing she meant trans ppl) made it so much harder for her to exist(???????). I didnt let her keep talking just and left her room, said my goodbyes to her family and just cried while driving home.

Im still not sure if she meant it or if it was part of her mental episode and just a way for her to hurt me and push me away. On one hand ig it explains some of her behavior? N sometimes complained when she got asked for her pronouns or being misgendered like I mentioned before. On the other hand, I gen do not believe she has been a terf all along esp with how supportive shes been of me. If she was a terf youd think she would try to subtly talk me out of it, but that has never happened. My friends have nicknamed her schrodinger's terf lol

Anyway, i went no contact with N for a few months for my own wellbeing. During this time i heard that she tried to kill herself a few times, which got her into a mental hospital. She was given higher doses of meds and seems to be doing way better.

We had a family reunion this week and i decided to approach her. N seemed a little hesitant to talk to me but stayed polite. I tried testing her and talked about the effects T has been having on me but she acted like she always had and congratulated me and even complimented me on how deep my voice has gotten. I wasnt satisfied cause i wanted an apology for what she had said to me so i pushed it more. She did end up apologzing but it was a very surface level apology. At this point i didnt want to keep pushing in case it set her off again so i just took her apology (plus i wanted my best cousin back) and spent the rest of the day hanging out with her.

On the way home my mom said she was happy me and N had made up and that i should invite her to the lgbt club meetings Ive been going to this year. It seemed like a good idea to me, she lost a few friends during her episode and she could make more queer friends here. If N is trans and just in denial it could help her get the resources she needs to feel comfortable coning out. If N IS a terf maybe having more positive interactions with trans ppl could change her mind on it. Overall i thought it would be a win for her.

I brought it up to my friends and some of them blew up at me. Their argument was that itd be exposing the other trans ppl in the group to a terf and putting them in danger. I truly hadnt considered this angle so im kinda conflicted now. She had never felt like an unsafe person before and now that her episode is over she feels normal again. Even if she is a terf i dont think she could actually cause harm? I want N to get better but i dont want to put my trans friends at risk.

So tumblr, WIBTA for inviting N to my lgbt meet up?

What are these acronyms?

[dingodad]

see i agree that ectobiology is simple but ive tried explaining it to irl non-homestuck friends before and ppl will get genuinely stumped at the question "if two people combine their dna and a new person comes out, what is that new person to them?" i had one friend who seemed to grok what Reproduction was and i thought, okay, maybe i can move onto the slightly more complex stuff. and then she got hung up for 20 minutes on stable time loops. maybe people just dont want to put in the effort for hs

on some level i think it's pretty easy to understand why "two people's DNA combined in a lab = their child" is not necessarily an instantaneously intuitive line of thinking for everyone in the world like i'm sure there are countless works of science fiction that take a completely different approach. but the thing is and i made a post kind of angling at this just the other day that WITHIN THE INTERNAL LOGIC OF HOMESTUCK there has never been any question as to that being how it works. even if these people somehow got through the comic blinking for every single page of the initial ectobiology sequence do they just think it's just random jokes without meaning when dave refers to rose as his sister or roxy as his mother... but like i said before you still find people who try to gripe that "being mixed from the same slime as a lab doesn't make you brother and sister" so there are evidently some readers who do grasp the mechanics of what's going on but just refuse to accept the actual story that is being told to them. nightmare world

given how widespread misunderstanding about the scratch is i think i do just have to concede that there must have been some aspects of it that were poorly explained. obviously if you actually get what a paradox clone is it's pretty easy to grasp the scratch at least as it relates to ectobiology but i absolutely agree that if i were to make a poll like "does the scratch a) erase the old timeline and replace it with a new one b) create two independent timelines" the results would be skewed disastrously in favour of the incorrect options...

honestly i would say there are hanging questions about this even by the end of the comic, in the sense that a hard difference is never really drawn between a "retcon" (which is explicitly compared in function to the scratch) and conventional time travel. and obv the important point here is that there IS no meaningful difference between a "timeline" and a "continuity" and that therefore the distinction is not important but again this was evidently not made clear enough to readers who continue to claim "the pre-retcon version of" x character was "forgotten about"... which is probably fundamentally the same philosophical reason people struggle to grapple with the scratch (and by extension ectobiology). like the "two different people can be the same character" thing is just such an enduring sticking point

[xx-psych0-rabbit-xx]

question for susie: who do you think are the top 5 other kirby characters that could most get along with her? the 5 most likely ones that could be her friends, basically

i usually try to answer these as soon as i get them bc i have autism but i actually didnt manage to this time bc.honestly? i dont think susie has 5 friends.best conclusion i got is she has 3 friends n 2 girls who think theyre acquaintances

susie is just.so herself? i feel everyone thinks shes some degree of obnoxious n lacking on morals n just kinda seems weirdly shady.for ppl that like her tho:

i feel kirby is rly obvious but Who Doesnt Kirby Like? susie helped last at the end of KPR so as far as kirby cares shes all set for becoming a friend! in fact she essentially already is! she hasnt done evil things again so rly theyre on great terms.she lets them test ice cream flavor samples for HWCs ice cream brand

i think both susie n magolor consider each other annoying but they mean it affectionately.they get on each others nerves (its nearly always magolor doing the annoying) but somehow get along great anyways.its a mystery they just never fight seriously

taranza would get along w her as well, i think out of every wave 3 character hes the most actually friendable for everyone bc his freak isnt immediately noticed, but.theyre both freaks w no moral compasses n taranza is a professional woman apologist n what would susie want more than to get cry shoujo tears explaining her tragic story while he pats her back like "i completely understand...you were so justified queen dont listen to the haters"

rly she could tell magolor n taranza shes doing anything morally questionable n theyd reply "okay lol" "okay ^_^" if not straight up go w her

now the next 2.susie sure has intense feelings abt but they do not !

susies intense grudge for francisca originates from susie never outgrowing her "i HAVE to kill girls i feel threaten ME being the prettiest in the room" phase bc she didnt get a proper growing up experience.shes constantly making up ways francisca is stealing the spotlight from her.idk francisca was probably more welcomed by the other allies bc shes polite (i am not claiming franny is a nice girlie shes just polite but has the american psycho monologue going on in her head that entire introduction) n susies never gonna get over that bc "IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME EVERYONE LIKED!!!" anyways i think itd just be so godamn funny if francisca didnt? know susie wants her dead? shes socially absent she doesnt pay attention she doesnt care lmao.she thinks theyre acquaintances bc of how often susie "talks to her" (shes trying to be subtly mean).even if she realized susie hated her shed be like "okay lol.good morning to you too"

n ive already mentioned it before but im a suzan yuri believer but not a "susie can win anyone over" believer.shes had a long running lesbian crush on zan w 50 layers to it (ranges from "she has such an aura of coolness ♪" to "i can fix her n i can kill her father too i can save her" to "WE CAN MATCH EACH OTHERS FREAKS.TOGETHER.") n has tried every way to try winning her over n zan doesnt understand a single one of them.she believes theyre acquaintances.susie could literally kiss her n shed reply "...my HP bar is already full but thanks.i guess." ironically most times that get zan liking susie a little more is when shes not actively trying to rizz her up, bc oh man.susie was right they match each others freaks of "im the only normal person in this room.(unstable weirdo)".the only ppl this yuri can be considered toxic for is everyone else.

outside of those 5 i think everyone to some degree dislikes her.n yes i think shed play victim abt that.im a firm believer nobody in wave 3/4 save for flamberge is properly befriendable to most of the cast (franny n taranza r in good terms w most ppl but again.inner american psycho monologue girl n polite looking guy who had way too much working for the evil monarch).n thats their appeal theyre all kinda shitty ppl 🩷 i wish i could end this w a beautiful rant on how shitty traumatized ppl still deserve love n redemption but honestly i just think characters r more fun when they kinda suck lol

[buwheal]

you make it sound like youre drowning in asks that suck or something. if majority of ppl aren't getting it it's because it's either; not the same askers, new people, people who aren't going to read thru 70 something asks, ppl who saw a reblog and sent an ask and didn't go to og post to read your tags to get hints, or just generally ppl not understanding it

holding up asks and saying 'i dont want ones like this' and then not explaining why is just mean. 'nobody is learning' are you explaining it clearly, or are you just vaguely hinting and then getting mad when people don't get it?

and like. when you hold up ppls asks/show them off like 'this is wrong', what about that would make those anons want to come back? they see that and think 'well i fucked up and my ask i sent genuinely is not what the blog runner wants/I don't want my ask screenshotted to be picked apart or laughed at again, so i just wont send a new one', which leads to the kind of ppl who are observant but don't want to send you asks - because theyre afraid of getting it 'wrong', and having a screenshot made of them on a public post about how stupid/wrong they are

acgghh sorry,, i genuinely didnt realize how that came across,, i'll stop doin that!!! Sorry!!! It never occurred to me it probably looks mean asf </3 Ive (tried to) explain before when i do that but i may be doin it wrong,, thats my bad. I dont mean it to make them seem stupid but the way its presented looks like that i guess X-S its a little easier to understand when youre giving me another perspective, so thanks /gen

[cosmobrain00]

alrght. ive been putting off making this post for a long time for personal reasons but i think i need to finally just get this out of the way bf I get any more questions- so:

if u r/ were a fan of my fic series/ motr im sorry to say im officially going to put it on hiatus for the foreseeable future for several reasons:

(these r all directed at motr, not the others before it)

im no longer happy w how I dealt w many things in this fic n how it's going, nor am I impressed w most of the quality of it. there's too many things i feel the need to change n it makes it extremely difficult to continue when all I want to do is rewrite the entire thing or delete motr entirely.

continuing on w this theme- I dont like the route I went when dealing w will's grief n all of the missed potential for his pov tht I wouldn't be able to get back at this point.

the potential of the plot twist tht will happen is going to be diminished bc of how I ended up writing the chapters.

it's. so. fucking. long. alrdy this series for me is extremely long n to wrap up wht ive started would take more patience n time than I have now bc of the way I decided to write this- not to mention how the length keeps distancing itself from the first work- which idk rlly how to explain to ppl but it bothers me somehow so. hm

its not just abt "taking a break" either bc I have. for 3 whole months. evrything I try to see for it either makes me upset bc I wish I could've done so much differently or it ends up being too in depth.

im struggling w at least two plot holes tht I cannot get a handle on n its extremely irritating to try to wrap up all the things I tried to start n. yeah

if u couldn't tell im extremely frustrated lol. n yes bf u say it ik this might seem abrupt considering I just posted a snippet of it, however the more I looked at it n the scene it only made me realize how much ive wasted in regards to the plot n how drawn out ive made it.

anyways, I have more reasons but these r the most glaring ones (n the most spoiler free ones) n once again I am sorry, but imo this is better than deleting it, so thts why im going to leave it. if I decide once ive sat on this for a bit to make a rewrite then we'll see how it goes, but for now im just gonna leave it alone.

ofc ty to all the lovely ppl who v graciously helped me out n took time out of their schedule to give me support, n to those who told me how much they loved it, I still do appreciate ur evry comment to this day<3

[fictionfixations]

can someone tell me how to beat this boss but explained in dumb terms like i was 5 😭 i saw a long reddit post regarding it but i understood barely any of it (ive been living off of auto so me no understand fight system well)

im trying to level SR olivine to get the boost for HP (and i have like the space blade because if i get his ult up it immediately gets the character in the 5th slot to get their ult but i never last long enough to get an ult in the battle)

also my dumbass thought i should level a random character (aster) and then i speedran through the story (I'd paused on like some part before we met Quincy?) and got stuck on a boss and turns out i couldve used those coins which i no longer have 💀

i mean its prob a good idea to be at least lvl 65 and up but nothing much i can do outside of wait for energy to refill then battle rinse and repeat

you dont even have to say something you could just link something for me to read (idk maybe if i reread that reddit post ill understand this time but also ive tried reading how to do like the stuff in events that set you at a specific level and you have to do so and so and im just like what?? ???)

cause. so from that post youre meant to use your healer but all my characters are really squishy. so it knocked him down to like 60 hp(?) within like 2 turns? which i cant defend against (because he dies anyway) and i dont have an ult built (i need at least 3 turns to build idol blade and maid dante ult but i dont survive that long)

they also said to have a taunt character like morvay so olivine doesnt get hit, idk how well that works but regardless it'll still take time even if i do try him cause coins

anyway since i kept dying i tried all defense trying to build up ult but still death so im thinking my characters might be too weak (and the team comp is probably really bad, but idk what is a good team)

idk how to make him not die space blade just sat there like oh 💀 apparently it can work on dif ppl too if 5 is dead but still

dante and morvay survive the longest (only cause they do the defend thing after attack/ult ???) but oof

edit: this is the farthest ive gotten? idk i did another team but w/ auto team to see if it made a difference and idol blade and space blade survived

and space blade just kept using his ult on himself which kept healing idol blade and so it was just ult spam tbh 💀

double edit: IT BECAME AN ACTUAL STRATEGY THAT WORKS and i never wouldve noticed

well im fucked but HOLY SHIT ???? i was focusing on the wrong character 😭

EDIT EDIT: LETS FUCKING GOOOOO

😭😭😭😭 someone please tell me that the bosses dont get harder after this

[punkbxt]

dime the takes. por favor.

*gets real close to the vending machine* quiero pepsi

okay all seriousness tho imma try to do this in a way thats like idk semi respectful towards janeway but i also need yall to know i do NOT reallyf fuck with her. idk if ive explained why before but i guess here we go

unlike most people that enjoy star trek i didnt really get into it till 2018 and then the demmy hit n i had nothing but time to consume every star trek imaginable and thats how i found voyager. yeah sure make fun of me for not knowing what star trek is but i need YALL to know that it is white and usamerican culture to be raised on trek and I DONT CARE. the only reason i got into star trek is bc a white friend introduced me. all this to say i was introduced to janeways actress through oitnb red ilu so much red best evil white lady <3

anyways i know janeway gets hate for having been the only lady captain and i always preface anything i say about her with this so yall understand that this is not the reason i dislike her but in reality it doesnt help either

also its tiring as fuck to include my opposing argument but it has to be done bc ppl are like “what about- pkay but you didnt consider how- yeah but- actually youre wrong bc-“ like fuck man im doing my damndest i literally hate voicing my opinions bc yall INSIST people of color dont actually get it n its tiring

if youve followed me since i started voyagerposting you may have noticed ive only actually drawn janeway twice and its cuz as a person she rubs me the wrong way for so many reasons

janeway gets put in this impossible position of being the top of the hierarchy pyramid to a crew that doesnt think theyll ever make it home again. shes deemed a mother figure by a LOT of characters but im gonna talk abt her dynamics with b’elanna, and seven because if i were to talk about the dynamics between janeway and harry thatd have to be its own post

when i get into a show, i loooveeee knowing what was happening behind the scenes because i love it!! i love set design i love character design i love costume design i love seeing what the actors are like outside of the show and how they feel about these characters bc these things ARE important. (writers too pero i have beef) behind the scenes is the biggest influence to the final product bc its the reason the final product exists in the first place and behind the scenes so many things went wrong. and when actors are mistreated or dont get along with eachother it becomes pretty apparent. well at least if you analyze things the way i do

so heres my issue with janeway seven and b’elanna. b’elanna is typecast to be the ugly character. klingons gave always gotten the short end of the stick and the case with her isnt as harsh bc her actress is a mixed puerto rican (information that has actually only recently been revealed bc when i tried to find out what roxan’s ethnicity was in 2019 i literally could not find anything definitive except for shes latina) but she STILL gets a lot of shit

one of my favorite things about voyager before the introduction of seven was how b’elanna and janeway actually got to bond a lot over science and when seven took on the roll of pretty girl on the ship, b’elanna and janeway suffered a LOT for it. we have an interesting dynamic between a maquis engineer and a federation captain genuinely not getting along bc b’elanna doesnt see janeways as an authority figure. not until chakotay has something to say about it and also until b’elanna and janeway actually talk about shit n get over their differences. the issue is when ppl purposely skip the earlier seasons to get to seven and then a lot of important interpersonal character building is missed I SAY THIS BC PEOPLE OFTEN FORGET THAT VOYAGER HAS BEEN ASSIMILATED BY THE BORG BEFORE AND EVEN THE WRITERS LET IT SLIP THEUR MIND N ITS LIKE BRO U HAVE GOLD TO WRITE WITH N U JUST LET IT COLLECT IN THE CORNER

seven is a unique and interesting character when she is first introduced. seven looks like any other borg and is so COOL. and then immediately all the cool interesting things about the way seven looks is basically negated to a few shiny parts. and yes janeway is partly to blame

BUT! what is the easiest way to gain the trust of people who already have bad history with who you once were? assimilation of course! seven goes from being one of many to the outcasts outcast

but punkbxt! what does any of this have to do with why you dislike janeway as a character? if anything it sounds more like you dislike seven. as long as the character is white ill always hold a lil disdain for them in my heart <3

janeway symbolizes the best of starfleet. she is an accredited officer and an extremely capable scientist. she is a beautiful white woman in THE position of power something that was revolutionary for her time. the issues with white women being put in positions of power is they they have NEVER had the interests of black and brown people to heart. “yes they-“ SHUT UP and let me speak before you decide to comment on this goddamn post

feminism throughout the centuries has focused on white women and while a show is merely a fraction of the lived reality of its time the effects are still extremely clear. white feminism JUMPED at the character of janeway and celebrated her and rightfully so! the issues came about when women like b’elanna got attacked and pushed to the side. this directly affected janeway within fandom and she got and still is recognized for accomplishments SHE DID NOT DO. she got put on a pedestal and once that happens to a character they suddenly can do no wrong. except she does because shes a human and shes white and shes a character with writers behind her

b’elanna has never actually been a super popular character and the wave of love for her is actually pretty fucking recent and not to toot my own horn but i definitely was a big part of the b’elanna love resurgence. when i got into voyager and these dates ARE important, i used to scroll through her entire tag easily a couple times through a DAY. fans occasionally created art for her and yeah! she got fics but nowhere in comparison to her other peers. surrounding yourself with people who also love her and want to create for her does help with recognition of b’elanna but its super recent stuff. and to add onto that any white fan that has an opinion about her will always be biased because they just do not understand what it is like to exist as a latina woman of color

this is where me myself and i come into the story because wowowowowow star trek is so cool! star trek preaches on and on and on about diversity love acceptance hate oppression and all that good stuff so who wouldnt love it??? and then??? OMG THERES A LATINA CHARACTER IN ONE SERIES OMG OMG OMG. imagine my disappointment when i found out that she a main character barely was getting any love. it hurt. because even within a narrative of inclusion somehow characters of color just seem to always be pushed to the side. especially when a fandom has such a majority percentage of white people

watching her story was SO personal to me. i could see myself in her struggling with living in america. i lived my childhoods in puerto rico and in many different parts of usamerica, surrounded by family and people like me until that wasnt the case anymore. i spent my life living as a nomad with no place to call home for on average no less than a year and no more than three. i could understand b’elanna with her struggles of living in a klingon monastery and then being thrust into an unforgiving and unaccepting world where humans/white people are the most important. the internalized racism that i grew up with was horrendous and to this DAY i am still trying to learn and better myself and connect with my culture in any way i can. because in a black ans white world, where is the space for those of us that dont fall under either? we are ignored and erased and with b’elanna is has been the same

the rejection b’elanna had to her klingon side was something i could relate to incredibly. but it still isnt enough. because even though i could connect with her through her klingon-ness, her latinidad is simply a label. throughout the show you see her change and grow and assimilate to the federation standard and it HURT. the narrative that i was directly picking up from her story was yeah you can be a part of the club but only if you do it how we want you to do it. and dont you EVER even talk about being latino unless its to shit on your deadbeat of a father. and i did. i learned how to adapt at an extremely young age. ive been told its one of the things i do best (sad isnt it?)

and okay how do seven and janeway have anything to do with this? well they are the white women who we literally have to conform to and for. thats it period

seven as a character had an amazing opportunity to challenge gender and sexuality because of her story (one that would have been better suited had she been an indigenous woman which ive spoken on before but thats for another post too) and then the people in charge decided that she just HAD to be the sexywoman instead of leaning into just how much she was no longer human and how humanity itself doesnt actually have one right way to be

this narrative is given to us by janeway time and time and time again correcting seven and telling her that seven simply is not himan enough and still has to learn. (things autistic ppl can suuuuuper relate to which is a reason i could connect with seven at all). no matter how you want to look at it (whatever canon you want to decide isnt canon anymore for the sake of a fucking ship) janeway was directly written to be a mentor and mother figure to seven. janeway is there to help her learn when in reality she can never understand what its like to be an outcast within the federation and to take it a step further be part of a eace which is treated with hostility by humans. something b’elanna CAN understand and relate to because at the time of voyager shits still om the rocks between klingons and humans. janeway pushes seven to accept and embrace humanity as if thats the only option seven has to become a better character but its just not true. the story woven between janeway and seven is one of white women and femininity and how to be the perfect white woman and how to be a good lover. by actively ignoring the help and influence b’elanna could have provided for seven to learn and adapt to a majority human world they put all that weight on janeway. something that affects ALL three of them negatively and results in a narrative of “well b’elanna could never understand and relate to seven in a way that matters” which is beyond true because they are so interwoven even unintentionally so. it simply just wasnt taken further and its a true shame

and this isnt even touching on how badly seven’s actress was treated by janeways actress for being the pretty new doll at the time of filming and how that affected how i felt about janeway/seven as a ship (similarly how castle and beckett did not get along behind scenes i could no longer enjoy that show anymore)

i simplified this IMMENSELY and this shit is already long enough as it is so im sorry about that but yeah thats it. also sorry if things got repetitive ive been told i tend to do that when i write. these are my feelings and i am a real human behind this account so keep in mind how you react to this post. i have recieved countless hate anons most of which ive deleted throughout my short lived time as a fan of this franchise. i used to be MUCH more vocal about representation within star trek and people got mad so i left. but im back because the people that love b’elanna and that love that i have things to say about her matter so much fucking more than any angry person ever will

[n3ssier]

HELLO im bacc >;)))

So I keep lookin at your introduction post and fsr I CANT DECIDE WHAT TO PICK- I just wanted to ask like, can ya write a headcanon, but it has both Crypto from Apex and Ppl from r6? Im so super grateful that you didnt mind the emount of characters I requested last time 😭😭 i hope its bot a burden if I request again cause i kinda simp for all of the. 💀

You can just tell me if u dont wanna do this, or just scratch sum characters if its too many :)))))

Can you pleease write a ff (or headcanons, ehatevs ya wnat) where female reader LOVES hugs and is a generally super chill yet chirpy friend and as soon as she gets recruited, she becomes all friendly and tries to befriedn them and after like 1st day of meeting, she alredy sees them as her bestfriend and hugs them from behind as a goodmorning the next day-

Chars: Crypto, Echo, Vigil, Kapkan, Glaz, Jäger (Ik its all the same characters but I cant help my simping, also as i said you can not include whoever you want)

Ik its confusing and as I said before, you aint gotta write this at all💀🤚

ALSO- MOOTS? Saw that you needed friends so we can be bfs >:DD

SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG :( ive had a lot going on and ive also got a job now so i have been short on time but finally got round to writing again!! i hope ya dont mind me doing some hcs and also only doing 4 out of 6 sexy men, bc i worry that if i do fanfics with them all then this will be a v long post bc ill get lowkey carried away😞 (also bc im feeling lazy rn, out here getting up 4am sleeping 12pm😭best lifestyle)

crypto

∙you two first meet on your second day on the job, and he is taken aback by how talkative you are (not in a bad way tho dwdw :)

∙the other legends don’t rlly talk to him outside of the gunfights/workplace so he just doesn’t talk to them either, which is why he was so surprised when you came up to him and tried to befriend him as soon as you’d met him

∙the pride he feels when you start asking about his gadgets goes unmatched, he tries to explain them as easily as possible but gets carried away quickly, leaving you a confused mess and him an embarrassed one as he realises how distracted he got

∙the next morning he’s making breakfast in the break room when he feels you hug him from behind, and he honestly is so tempted to put his hands on yours and stay there but he wants to play it off cool ofc so he just greets you and continues preparing his food

∙this is the EXACT moment he fell for ya

glaz

∙he never expected you to be so talkative or cheery when you joined, but he was happy nonetheless

∙will intently listen to you while smiling and give you facts if he knows any on whatever you’re talking about

∙you guys end up talking for like 3 hours just about anything, he’s kinda curious about you, and ends up asking you a bit about your life in general 

∙would make a lot of effort to help and teach you things, seen as you’re new to r6

∙when you come up to him and hug him as a good morning he chuckles before turning around to hug you back quickly and loosely

∙he could get used to this tho

kapkan

∙ngl he is annoyed at first when you talk to him for the first time, he finds the chat pointless, but after an hour or so he lets his guard down

∙he never realised that chatting with people was so fun until this day, or maybe it was just something about you specifically that gave him the good time, who knows !?

∙he honestly thinks ur pretty cute talking about all the random topics that peak your interest, asking him about 1000 questions aswell

∙when he feels your arms around him the next morning he freaks out

∙tries to push you off, as much as he enjoys it sadly he is too flustered and also not used to physical contact

∙he slowly stops pushing you away the more you come up to him and the more you are hanging round with him

jäger

∙when he first meets you he thinks you’re cool asf, especially when you strike a conversation with him

∙similar to crypto, he feels so much pride when you ask about his gadgets, its like a huge ego boost

∙you guys are sooooo chatty, talking about anything and everything, but make the cutest duo

∙you listen to his rambling and he will listen intently to you back

∙there is NEVER a dull moment between you two😭

∙the other gsg9 members are just happy that he has got someone to listen to him so that they don’t have to LMAO

∙when he feels you hug him from behind the next morning he is a little bit confused but happily hugs you back in return, he definitely thinks about it for the rest of the day tho

[magnoliamyrrh]

You don’t have to answer if too invasive but how did you find out your father did what he did? I’d think a toddler would be too young to remember

naw its ok. maybe itll be of some use to someone lol. so uh. yea. rly wasnt easy to figure this shit out or to accept it + going through all that weird normalized balkan shit rly made it a lot harder to figure out what the hell was what. as i said in that other post a whole bunch of symptoms made me v unsettled and suspicious of things since i was idk in my early teens, like, ive had utis and bad vaginal and anal pain since forever/ive been hypersexual to the point of feeling like a crazed bitch in heat. since forever. or very sex repulsed/sadomasochism otherwise v fucked up trauma kinks/nightmares/ general anxiety around physical and sexual intimacy/actually mortifying fear of the dark when i was younger, like, abnormal level/weird fucking triggers - like im still freaked out by cameras to this day, i always feel like im being watched especially when theres a camera somewhere, and i used to have v nasty reactions to ppl wanting to take photos of me when i was younger/weird feeling that all i was good for was to b little more than a sex slave for men - despite being a lesbian and having no interest in males/weird relationship w money/intense dissociation/utter disgust and fear around men etc etc etc technically. most of these could just b the result of the other stuff. technically kinda. except in my case it was to such an extent that tbh it uh wouldnt fully explain it frankly, not from what i remember which is most of it

on one hand yes most ppl tend to not remember their early childhoods much.but ehhhhh. many nontraumatized ppl do actually remember a lot. and some of us who are traumatized do. predators often target rly young kids bc they think they wont remember but its not rly a guarantee. i. have cptsd. and osdd/did lol so, uh, brain and grasp on memory and time rly isnt normal. before i feel down a trauma spiral and my psyche cracked once and for all, there were whole chunks of my childhood i couldnt rly remember. i still have a lot of gaps. a lot of it is still blurry and a lot of it i still dont remember... hell, shit feels blurry plenty of times in day to day life.. having a fractured psyche comes w sometimes not remembering much of anything and feeling rly detached from the trauma (and.. reality), and other times feeling like youre drowning in it

uhm, when i first started getting more memories back or flashbacks or my dissociating got worse at around 17/18 it was rly scary and confusing....i was back in romania and something must have triggered me bad idk. and i tried to just go back to repressing all of it but it didnt rly work, not that time. it was such a sickening and deeply unsettling feeling, i felt as if some dam in my mind had finally cracked and i was drowning in insanity. as time went by more of them came and some stuff was harder to deny. i also.. idk. a sick curiosity got the better of me and i went poking around in my brain in the places i perhaps shouldn't have - a bit later on at 18-19 when i started doing psychedelics, and that also rly just.. opened up my brain more idk and connected parts of it which werent connected before. which was partially horrifying and partially, im very thankful for

but uhm. it was many things that i started to put together little by little. the whole thing ended up coinciding w having to admit that i do actually have osdd/did which was.. hard. you dont end up with that severe sort of dissociative disorder and mental fragmentation without a.. certain level of repeated early childhood trauma. and despite all the plenty of other shit i went through, the stuff i knew of didnt ... fully explain it.. uhm. theres a part of me, alter, who vhemently hates my father. like a rabid dog, worse actually bc she leans into just sadistic want to see and feel him suffer actually. dont blame her. and just... at best severly distrust and dislikes men, in general. i think that was one hint lmao and uh.. she remembers more than i tend to about things anyway. others trauma holders and a persecutor alter remember more than i do too, and i dont envy them. some of them have always had a particular fixation on the being prostituted thing which i never rly understood or could put together from just the "regular" family stuff before.. getting to have more of a relationship and communication and understanding w them and breaking down some of the mental barriers and dissociating between us helped... v much still an ongoing process

and uh, i age regress pretty hard, or i have alters younger than this body is, or both frankly. generally agreed upon that the age(s) of said alters is the age(s) at which some trauma happened.. uhm, its actually kind of a whole other fucking nightmare to deal with but i guess u learn to live w it over time and try to make the best of it... uhm. so. because of that theres actually parts of my childhood which id say i remember better than most ppl, bc its like theres an open wound in my psyche back to those times.... sometimes i feel a lot more connected to that time frankly than the current time here. the earliest my memory stretches back is around 2 yrs old, and i remember plenty of scattered things from later on. some of it is trauma stuff, some of it is not..... i try to make the best out of the stuff which isnt. though it does actually rly fucking suck and make you feel insane to have some of ur earliest memories be. sexual stuff... and to know that shit was happening before you could ever remember.... uhm. a lot of the more severe sexual trauma kinda is like this other trauma during that time. when i was 2 i was bitten by a dog and had my hand ripped open - it rly was my fault, i was bothering the stray... i dont remember being bitten, nor the stitching up and rabies shots. but i have the scar on my hand to prove it, and i remember the moments before i was bitten, i remember the dog...... hm. i remember when i was two, i had spend some weeks or so down south with my father and his family. i have my suspicions of what happened but when i got back from them, i had such a mortifying fear of.... something. the dark. being alone. males. something, idk, something, all of it, that id get so scared and so freaked out that id just lose it, feeling such a severe level of terror that id just vomit bc i dont think my body could handle any of it. that i do remember, not pleasant nor particularly normal... for the most part the first memories and sensations and flashes i started getting back werent of the worst or most violent shit... uhm and those already made me suspicious even when they were more blurry and i couldnt remember much, and over time i just started putting two and two together and getting more of a sense of why i have/had certain triggers and nightmares and reactions and such..... a lot of times it feels like having to play detective for your own damn life. i still dont remember a lot of the worst shit. but by now i remember... enough. i remember enough, as hazy and fragmented as it may be at times, i remember much more than i ever fucking wanted to, enough that its undeniable... uhm. and also. that shit didnt end when i was a toddler, rather started then or.. god knows when it fucking started... but i dont really know how old i was when it ended. i left the country when i was 10, that i do know. its all still too fragmented for me to have any sense of, but, i do know it went on till i was older too, bc i remember some of that stuff as well

[wawawawawawawawawawawawawa]

the anon who doesnt have aspd and taught myself empathy again here! i've never talked to a psych (self diagnosed autism) and as a teen i was p sure i had aspd (i Knew shit was strange w me and really wanted an explanation and once i figured out my mix of trauma and autism things made sense) coz lack of remorse and shit but i never actually really matched the rest of it -- i dont have substance abuse issues and never have, im p easily entertained, i've had the same three friends basically my entire life. i do though describe myself as the worlds most boring hedonist coz like yeah i sometimes have a hard time controlling my impulses and im motivated by fun but for me thats usually p simple -- easily entertained. read a book, video games, jump around to music. i AM frequently bored though?? like its my most frequent emotion and ive spent a Long time learning to cultivate my joy and really feel it properly. but im also the most easily excitable person i know. i dunno, i have v large emotions that appear then disappear quite quickly. a favourire hobby of mine since i was a kid has been to start arguments between the ppl i care abt and see how large i could make them in a single session then solve the argument w/o the ppl realising i'd manufactured and egged on the argument. which typing that out now seems uh. an interesting hobby. but late last year i told my younger brother and he laughed coz its a v me thing to do and was like "yo thats fucked. pls stop doing it to me" so since then ive mainly tried to just like playfully tease ppl in a normal way coz cognitively i understand its a fucked thing to do and im trynna be like, a decent person who doesnt go outta my way to play w ppl for funsies. which yeah that uh... maybe i Should look into aspd more again, i did a fairly shallow look into it as a teen and relating to azula as much as i did as a kid (and izaya as an older teen/young adult) was deff a sign of smth

i've followed you on this blog for a while (i think you'd only had it for a couple weeks when i first followed u?) so yeah i did know the story abt u and ur fiance! v cute

i feel like maybe we need a different identifier than "the anon who doesnt have aspd" because that might not be, uh. accurate! i have o clue why a lot of people with aspd seem to congregate around my account but i guess this is an aspd helpline now??????? whuh????

like im not complaining its just. how did i get here

also i think ive deadass used the "worlds most boring hedonist" descriptor for myself before and i deal w chronic boredom the same way you do- i have a LOT of hobbies and i plan elaborate projects and that entertains me but only temporarily

and thats the thing about aspd! it- like every other disorder- is a spectrum. you might not have substance abuse issues, and i do. you did.... your interesting hobby, and i find it morally fucked!* i have no idea your relationship with criminality, and i got fired for stealing

*i have done something similar but i have a moral policy of like, only fucking with people who Deserve It. who deserves what varies case by case and what exactly i do... i need to explain weird spiritual stuff to go in depth andyeah im not really itchin to be called crazy on tumblr dot cum

aspd in general is very misunderstood and no literature really focuses on what its like to have the disorder, only the perceived damage being around someone with the disorder will bring- which is why i initially self diagnosed thru tumblr posts from ppl talking about their symptoms in a serious educative way

sometimes i think like, maybe i don't have aspd, maybe i'm just autistic and i'm spreading misinformation- but i never really felt "at home" with other autistic people. its like- yeah i click better with other autistic people, but i'm still masking, i'm still faking, and even in this situation i can drop the mask partially but not fully. growing up with a personality disorder and trauma in communities largely filled with autistic people with trauma, very quickly teaches you that there's something different about you. it's an isolating, traumatizing feeling- my experience with this was mainly symptoms of npd, but like.... knowing you have a problem, wanting it fixed, and knowing nobody around you knows how deep the problem runs, and might even find its existence laughable or dangerous... it's isolating! and its shitty!!

generally i tend to Know if things i'm doing are bad or not, i just tend to not care in the moment, because it's better than being bored! entertainment wins out over everything. it's actually kind of terrible; i'll do stuff just to see a reaction out of people- it's like izaya, honestly, what happens when people are pushed to their breaking points?

thats kind of how i got so much into angst and psychological horror. not only did i want to break the characters, i wanted to break my audience. i'd tell my friends detailed stories about torture partly because i was interested in my story, mostly because i wanted to see their horrified reactions. i wanted to see how far was "too far," and i keep that stuff in my current narratives- i keep the pov extremely tight and do silly little tricks with narrative and formatting to make the audience feel like they're Really There

so yeah look into aspd. do it boy listen to me im the ps5 im speaking to you inside your brain. do it boy do it

[livecharliereaction]

also what i found super interesting nwhen i realised is how. Well the last afterword was basically about "is there any way u can sympathize with a murderer?! maybe there is!" regarding case shion (which. shes crazy totally and all but i DO like her too much to actually condemn her meaningfully im too caught up in LIKING her that im juts like Well haha it was the demon! as if she wasnt doing her part in it too)

well u throw that out there with shion who killed. EFFECTIVELY HALF OF THE CAST LOL. but then u take RENA who kills two Obviously Bad People (Rina tried to kill her first and even if rena doesnt know the extent of teppeis wrongdoings, me, the reader well I KNOW. So really she was doing a service to the story getting rid of those two) and she feels so bad about it and all and her friends r kinda just like No dw rena. and in a normal case u might be like Wtf these ppl just forgiving murder like that? but really i think EVERYONE forgave her including ME (the reader) im like No rena ur fine dont even worry about it. Ive forgiven worse in my heart. I dont know how to explain it but the setups kind of interesting.

But since wataganashi is coming up and not only that but the tip gave us the reveal of PLANNED GARDENING JOB ON THE MOUNTAINS LOL so i know its gonna go really bad soon but im not sure who for? It could be interesting to make rena kill again (very likely) and justify it like Well u (cast and reader) forgave me before right? Whys it different now? but this will depend on who shed kill and also theres a chance the wataganashi has something else

oh also interesting thing Keiichi performance on wataganashi?! or at least he was asked to (why would u put it in the story if he refused. so ik hes doing that) So no warehouse? Gotta keep an eye on shion..

Im also not super sure aobut miyo n jirou thing not that i care all that much. But last story made it very clearly to seem like miyo killed jirou for sure (out of interest towards the traditions or whatever) and because of that she got demoned away supposedly But in the light of the new information we got... Do u think that can happen? A person rly can just disappear??!? I dont rly think so. Maybe it was rena or rika on the case or someone entirely different or she did it herself but i do think the "demons" either act out of human bodies bcs they might find it funny (i would) or maybe theres a physical restriction there. That is if any demons even rly exist.. Well obviously they do bcs my angel shion wouldve never done anything if she wasnt #POSSESSED. Ok. I kinda wanna idv but ill continue ch6 after that methinks...

[dibbs-n-scribbs]

Yippee!! Thanks for the tag!

*Tagged by:* @chrisredfield73

*Last Song:* Psychokiller - Talking Heads (this is the only talking heads songs ive ever listened to according to my knowledge. I listened to it so much while ordering a burrito at Taco Bell that now whenever I listen to it I get a burrito taste in my mouth, which is both unnerving and cool at the same time)

*Favorite Color:* Im one of those ppl who say purple but then like a whole bunch of colors, but for now its gotta be purple, mustard-ish yellows, & rich reds And burgundys

*Last Movie:* Rugrats in Paris - was originally gonna be Surfs Up cause its on YT for frEe now, but this was next in the recommended section so I watched it for nostalgia (Fun fact: When I was younger I once cried myself to sleep with the “I want a mom” song cause I thought it was so sad and emotional and my Mom heard me and I explained it to her in tears)

*Last Show:* Seinfeld!! I started watching Seinfeld this year and I’m so glad I did. It took me multiple tries to truly get into it, but now I’m on the beginning of season 7! I love learning everything I can about the show, and I honestly think its one of the best sitcoms ever made. Its funny, smart, and the cast is incredible. George is my favorite hands down. If i were to watch this when I was younger it probably would’ve been Kramer, but honestly George carries the show for me. Ppl IRL have heard me gush about George so much that now I’m committed to working on a full-on slideshow presentation on why I am weirdly attracted to him (I still dont even know myself lol) (im not a big dm person so i probably wont talk one on one about it but i love seinfeld so pls pls pls tag me in some seinfeld posts if ya could :DDDDDD)

*Sweet/Spicy/Savory:* Im mostly a spicy/savory type of person! If you were to ask me when I was younger, definitely sweet all the way, but now not so much (makes my teeth and stomach hurt). I’m Mexican but honestly don’t eat a lot of spicy foods, but I do like the green spicy salsas we make - just the right amount of heat for me! Ive always liked meats like chicken and carnita, since thats what I grew up eating the most, so I do have a preference for savory types of foods as well!

*Relationship Status:* Im single! Never dated before but if George Costanza is available let me know 🥰

*Last Thing I Googled:* honestly I just looked up “is savory in meat” cause i dont know what counts as savory off the top of my head (I just wanted to be sure!). The one before that though was “when is tf2 based” cause Im working on a sort of personal project involving my tf2 oc and I want to try to make it as true to the tf2 lore as possible while also taking into account actual clothes, songs, and other lifestyle things from that time period!

*Current Obsessions:* Seinfeld and TF2 (also Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia but I haven’t watched it in months and Im still on s4 :’0) - if you like these 2 things an abnormal amount like me uh heyyyyyyyyyy!!! lmao

*Tag Nine People:* @babsvibes @fyfepuff @heough @honeysparklesmash @ivorydoesstuff @maybe-memories @al8estos @sharpe-fan @arcadefl00r (feel free to ignore, just wanted to tag y’all!!)

Nine people I'd like to get to know better

Tagged by @meghawhopp <33

Last song: Down by the River by Borislav Slavov from the Baldur’s Gate 3 Soundtrack (or more specifically the cover of Down by the River by Nerissa Ravencroft)

Favorite color: Blue and purple!

Last movie/TV show: Seinfeld, I’m currently on season four!

Sweet/spicy/savory?: I have a huge sweet tooth, so sweet things

Relationship status: Single

Last thing I googled: I searched up the show “Arthur” because I was trying to find that one meme where Buster was like “You really think someone would do that, just go on the internet and spread lies?”

Current obsession: Fragaria memories and tears of themis mostly^^

Tag Nine People: @kyaruun @xinieeee @deadmansbistro @florapot @hunita812 @scuffle-with-spirals @rexonalapis @maxellera @manicpixiedoomedgirl

[rottingsparrow]

Part 4! Of rereading Lore Olympus. Ep 31-40

Gotta be real I keep forgetting to post these even tho I'm reading them but it's fine. Obviously I won't finish before the end of the 2 week break (this Saturday) but after this I may start reviewing episodes as they come out, who knows. Last part:

Ep 31

Theres so many other reasons you shouldnt work together but ok

Also shes literally so smart right like thats canon

Artemis is cool hera,,,sometimes

Which two sons i wish i knew the lo family tree as opposed to the real one yknow

How do heras powers work she felt her pain but doesnt know who??

I would kill for a comprehensive list of family tree and powers, dont even have to spoil powers just please i get so confused

Ep 32

Train ur fuckin dogs hades i think ive said that before

He changed skin color again but like not just light vs dark thats a whole diff shade of blue

Hehe threaten low class workers so cute and quirky hades

Why is uh psyche/whatever her nymph name is wearing more traditional clothes while not in the mortal realm

Love the dog

Hades has a point, even tho it makes no sense for him to have said that

Ok also point out in the like future episode he wants persephone to call him Aidoneus but doesnt like when others do it why

Thats my same thing with him calling her Kore like i know in the future its like explained or whatever but idk

Aphrodite has a point it was a favor in a way

A dumb way but yknow

I remember everyone losing it over the “im only interested in the dead ones” panel but looking at it its so lame LMAO changed his entire face shape for a panel

Ep 33

HECATE HECATE WOOOO

Im but a simple man

Hades texts like an old man i know he is one but

Also i am dying to know how his business works including as the god of the underworld like. Give me something

Then again, maybe i am a lil dumb when it comes to this

I always thought he was giving the little elevator friend a sugarcube lmao

I like how minthes ears react to her emotions

Stop fighting at work omg this would be the worst place to work at

“Hey can u do ur job”

Ep 34

Why this subplot ugh

The crown floats yet is sideways after she hits him

Also haha hitting

Also their relationship does confuse me just a tad bit yknow

All the clues were there hades you dumbass

“Cancel all my meetings” DO YOUR JOB

“This doesnt affect you in the same way” cause hes a man or a king or both but also kings seemed to get treated the same by their subjects until they are dicks and excute their power

From what ive seen

Then again we havent seen poseidon do that but that brings me to the point of I wanna see poseidon realm

thats . so creepy hades ew

“Smth must be done about this” like fair legal action right?....right?

Who reads newspapers these days anyways wait a second

Ep 35

See the laptop having news makes more sense like sure we make newspapers but ppl dont use em as often

“Biochemistry Theory” fun fact I switched majors to specifically avoid taking chemistry

What are they typing he just started speaking

What type of nymph is thetis bc i know minthe is a river nymph but thetis has fancy ears

They are so mean to each other lmao

The financial situation and the fact that they both are like sleeping with the kings confuse me why do both of them do it.

Like retrospectively i understand it but when i first read it i was like “are nymphs supposed to be like hookers??” so i was lost for a bit

“Hades micromanages computer usage” oh what a shit boss

Also the meal ticket she has a job sure hades gave it to her but

Idk maybe im slow

What an awful way to do a heart shape i just tried it wtf

“Crying is for wives” damn

Yes body issues that dont get brought up again right? Like she all of a sudden gets bigger boobs and i dont think hades pays ppl enough for cosmetic surgery

You guys know this is a work setting

Has rachel ever had a job bc this feels like a comical trope seen on tv the workplace drama yknow

LMAO IN THE LAST PANEL RACHEL FORGOT TO GIVE HER NYMPH EARS

Like fully normal ears i know its a mistake but its funny

Ep 36

“Not my circus not my monkeys” queen

Hades is it not your circus how dont involve hecate in this

“Stop starin at me with them big ol eyes”

Oof that does not look good on you, i mean why didnt you give her the coat

“I thought you didnt get jealous” ok she may have said that but literally everything about her contradicts that

And i love this part bc he doesnt call her crazy and they talk, i mean he hides some of the truth which like fuck him, and then they try to talk about the party and

Ugh i know minthe is supposed to be an antagonist but rachel does this weird thing where she tries to flesh her out, then realizes it would be an easy set up for a redemption arc and screws her over again

I know the ppl in the mortal realm are generally frightened of hades but why are ppl in olympus

“I wouldnt expect anything less from a goddess” so we are going to bring in the racism/speciesism that occurs in this story right

Its the middle of the day isnt he supposed to be in the mortal realm moving the sun or some shit

Ep 37

“Last night” Rachel its ok to space things out sweetie

Ok ok so one thing i hate about her characterization of apollo is he goes from being delusional to knowing what he did was at least slightly wrong and i hate both are fine stories but pick one he either is so infatuated with persephone that he thinks that they had a great time or he wants her for her power

And! A transition from one to the other would be fine, but she goes back in forth in his characterization

Little red vines look cool

Hehe cerberus

How did he escape tho

I love that dog

Ep 38

Oh its the greenhouse again

But this time it represents the evil feeling?

Idk but i like eye symbolism im lame lol

Why was she sleeping in the chair

When did she get those clothes i dunno if eros would buy her business casual

Artemis really sees all the signs and then goes “meh”

Like points out the possible crush on persephone just connect the dots they are so close

Why is there not more than one door

Why is no one getting off

How does rachel think train stops work

Ep 39

Also not thatanos with an undercut lmao

Ope its thanatos i mixed it up

Also minthe you just actively arent doing a good job like lmao how are you not getting fired

Hades smoking a cigar is so old and gross tbh

What an awful boss

That man has a point dont stand infront of the door

She gave her a little flower nice

Minthe i know ur being spiteful, weird bc hades explained shes just the daughter of a friend( i know its a lie but still) but just do your job

“It says restricted access but that lady says it was fine” i would just wait until someone came out theres no reason to go inside

Ep 40

Why would they not have a lock on this place actually

Why wouldnt she just leave the way she came

When did hades put on his glasses

How is it hades fault what

So many questions yknow for such a short episode

Also does this place not have security cameras in places that are tartarus

[rivetgoth]

trip report from last night did a new drug for tha first time ✌

omfg i tried molly 4 the first time last night and it was a mess. i kno molly isnt really a consistent single type of drug so idk wtf i got but like, it was from a batch a lot ov people i know had already taken and had good reports, so idk. anyway i took it like an hr before we left for the club hoping it would hit shortly after i was there and instead like, 2 hours in i was feeling basically nothing but a little antsy, a little anxious, sorta in my own head, nothing much else though. so i had a drink (just 1 !! being responsible with the molly/alcohol overlap i promise) to calm my nerves and was feeling better but mostly just normal buzzed at the club... we danced a little but the music was NOT that good and the dancefloor was NOT popping, it was empty as fuck tbh. then a big group of friends got there and literally two and a half hours after taking the pill... it HIT out of NOWHERE as i was trying to say hi to them, my heart started slamming in my chest and i felt so delirious, i felt like i was going to die tbh and i KNOW drugs enough to know that im not, literally like a bunch other ppl i know have taken this batch of pills they are safe and it was just me freaking out but my heart felt out of control, angel was reassuring me that my heartbeat sounded fine but i was panicking like when i took too many edibles or shrooms lol 😭 so i was having this stupid panic attack in slow motion at the club while trying to act normal enough to socialize...

everything just felt really chaotic and too much. like the music wasnt good but it was so damn loud, i didnt know anybody except my immediate friend circle and it felt simultaneously too crowded and surrounded but also like there was nothing to do, nobody was being super sociable there, i just felt so insane i felt so out of control i wanted to keep moving but i also wanted to lie down and i couldnt talk or communicate well with people, me and angel went to the bathroom so i could try to calm down and i just kept repeating that i felt like i was going crazy........ finally i just told her i wanted to go because i couldnt handle it, it was just too much, i was getting paranoid during every conversation and i just wanted to sit down somewhere... the bouncers were being really really rude about ins and outs and kept demanding to know why we were leaving and what we wanted from the car, as if thats any of their business when we paid the fucking 25 dollar cover fee and were on the guest list loll stupid. we sat in the car and one of my bffs came out to chat with us for awhile, the bouncers gave him a little less shit because he explained he was coming out to check on us haha. it was so nice after that, just chilling in the car and talking. me and angel decided to go home early after that, it wasnt even midnight yet i dont think, we drove around and listened to music and it was sooo nice, i felt so much more in control and just felt so elated and euphoric... listening to skuppy and ministry and thrill kill kult and iamx and tr/st and male tears etc etc. once i was out of the club and in the car and then in my house with speakers on listening to music it felt amazing, totally euphoric like similar to the times ive taken fucking.. prescription opioids and shit, like wow, but my god @ how bad that shit hit at the club, one of the scarier drug experiences of my life initially 😭 such is the life of a goth club kid in his 20s ig lmaooo. the club was wack honestly it was wayyyyy too expensive, 25 cover fee plus 25 for each drink plus 8 dollars for water plus rude bouncers empty dance floors and boring music. waste of time but at least i got that experience outta the way, it was really fun to experience in hindsight. fear and loathing in los angeles.