#ive tried posting this so many times now and it just wont work but idk why

[orbmanson7]

Redrew an old phone drawing with some posca pens last night...

[arolesbianism]

Oh baby I am getting way to ambitious with my current oni run for someone who's laptop starts screaming anytime it opens steam

[cody-apexart]

Day 12

This is honestly more or less a shitting on apex post. I apologies, but srsly. My time in Saigon has been so enjoyable, I really love this city and most of the experiences I have had, but the organization and communication style implemented by apex is making this less fun! Im in a bad mood, and had a bad day. Here’s the play by play:

I feel like the zoom mediation class today really set my day up for failure. Ive been practicing mediation on and off for over half my life— at this point Im pretty particular about what I like, and have tried out a lot of different styles to figure out what I enjoy and what works for me. This zoom meditation class lead by some man in southern California really was more of an hour long lecture of this dude talking about how he used to be depressed but now he isnt, and maybe 15 min of mediation max. I was all about work, like work like jobs, like capitalist meditation. When he said the phrase “hiring managers read your energy body” I knew I had heard enough. Which was kinda for the best, because I started looking at my email and noticed two had just come in from apex! One contained information that said the pottery class on my sched started at 9am not 10am. I had been preped to get there at 10, and at the time I was reading that email, it was already after 9am. I called the studio and they said I could still attend, though I did miss an hour of workshop time. Also, once I got there they said the ceramics wont be ready for 2 weeks. In 2 weeks I wont be here anymore. Why wouldn’t yall schedule this class earlier in my schedule? Also it was noted in my sched that the class would cost 40000 VND, but it was really 400000 VND. I also got an email from apex that I was RSVPd for a tech company business mixer. I hadn’t noticed it on my schedule because it was set for the wrong time, the event was probably entered in EST, so it was coming up on friday instead of thursday and was kinda hidden by the other long event on my friday sched. This email was my first time hearing about it, and since I was already reeling from the meditation class and time change to pottery I was like wtfffff.

Like what type of weird ass shit is that? Send someone with no tech experience to an even that is intended for people working in tech and living in Vietnam? Its just like why send me to crash their party? I don’t really understand, there are so many other places I could talk to strangers without being so out of place, like out of place in a way that kinda feels disrespectful and disruptive to the event. I dont mind being out of place or having to talk to stagers, but it just feels rude to show up to an event I rly have no business being at. Since the story slam, anything that comes off eventbrite I am very skeptical of.

Idk why nearly everything on the schedule feels like its made out to be a riddle. The times are wrong, the addresses are wrong. I can never just do what the calendar says and expect it to work out seamlessly. I feel like I spend so much troubleshooting shit that should already be taken care of.

Also I still havnt been reimbursed for this plane ticket?! Even though I sent the necessary info twice, and it says in a number of places that I can request reimbursement whenever id like. Similarly, the agreement I signed notes 45 days will be given in advance to get a visa if necessary, I was given 6 six businesses days notice. Like all of this is just causes what feels like /unnecessary/ stress, unless that feeling is all part of the program too? Im trying to just learn a lesson in loosing control.

Anyway, I went a little rouge today and didnt go to capoeira. I was emotionally exhausted, and my ankle is a little weird and clicky from walking so much. This is the first activity ive skipped-- I probably wouldnt have skipped it if I didnt already do the class last week, but knowing how intense it was, and how bad I felt, it was the right decision for me today. I cant wait for this upcoming day off. Two weeks non-stop is starting to get to me.

I went to a later screening of the movie since my evening was free, and wow, another movie centered around a traumatic pregnancy experience. The main character miscarried during a robbery at 6 months. I watched the trailer this time to avoid this type of thing, but it didnt reveal that plot point. actually the whole movie was actually about really toxic abusive relationships, but the trailer made it seem like a comedy. Anyway this was less fucked up than the abortion horror movie, but still fucked up. okay, but also the main character did ceramics, and i did a ceramics class this morning...was that planned? how curated are these days? I think this trip is the only time I have ever been in a movie theater without a friend or companion. Watching movies alone is totally new for me, just like how ive literally never used a pottery wheel before today. Also mark making scares me so painting the ceramic bowl I made was notably difficult for me. I am incredibly grateful for these experiences despite everything i just vented about.

[silverflqmes]

HELP IWOWSHJE YOU THINK IM FUNNY??😻 im kidding.. let me be normal🫡

im sure it’ll be great!! would fr read your og work if you’re producing content this solid😩 BUT YEAH IDK SEFIKURA JUST GOT SOMETHING THAT HAD ME GASPING FOR AIR ITS JUST LIKE?? they’re so complex and despite being enemies they literally understand one another the best?? it’s just so insane to me honestly how similar yet so different that they are- it intrigues me to see how they progress throughout the games ( i’ve only played remake — which i finished almost two weeks ago i wanna say, playing cc now as im answering actually😭, ec and watched ac ), but i have limited time since i gotta start up college in september and wont have a console at my disposal since im leaving it behind probs</3

i myself have not written much for sefikura — just got one thing up on my acc which was an intrusive / analysis drabble while i was playing remake and got to the edge of creation😵‍💫 cuz writing oneshots is not something i often do unless i have an idea and i just need to get it OUT of my brain😭 otherwise i occupy myself with my lengthier fics on wattpad — which are for haikyuu😭 but since i’ve been brain rotting sm abt ff7 i decided to indulge just a little bit to try my hand at writing it<3

DIALOGUE?? honestly, valid cuz whenever i read their interactions in your fics it’s just crazy how on point they both are. dialogue fr is super important to writing which im trying to work on rn as i write my original story cuz i gotta remember speech mannerisms, behavior, stuff like that so characters are differentiated!! hmm, tbh listening to voices does make sense cuz somehow you had me hearing their voices for certain lines so good job on that, cuz you hella succeeded😩 agreed tho character / relationship development, whether or not established is important and i think you handle it rlly well along with the progression throughout your stories, granted i was VERY MUCH on the edge of my seat during the last chance w the whole tifa thing😭 ITS HONESTLY A RELIEF THAT YOU DO HAPPY ENDINGS cuz STAR WARS RUINED ME TBH so getting a happy ending for a change is so refreshing🧎‍♀️HOKANO ATE AT ME IT WAS 4AM AND I COULD NOT SLEEP UNTIL I FINISHED READING😭 when i got to the end i was like ohmygod are they gonna die?? but still a good fic i rlly loved the concept<3 angst just has me some way😔

BAKAHWKWWJ A SCORPIO?? okay okay it does explain a bit LMAO slay scorpio rep<3 yeah im just naturally impatient😵‍💫 and just spontaneous when it comes to writing.. deadass i would open up my books and just go in while thinking of stuff along the way ( basically, no plan minus the outline i make.. )

but i agree with what you mean abt having smtn to look forward to, i used to do that but keeping a schedule became a little difficult these last few years so i just kinda posted stuff whenever i could :’) at times i might also lose inspo and shift over to another fic but atm ive just been focusing on one full on fic since i fleshed it out the most and just a bit of a happy place for me🫶 i understand w your fics tho cuz seph and cloud are pretty different in each story from what i saw! PLS I TRIED TO DO A SHIP WEEK ONCE FOR A PAIRING AND I DID NOT LAST😭 i was like aint no way i cannot keep up like this.. but what you produced was chef’s kiss honestly, loved<3 PLS I DID NOT EXPECT YOU TO RESPOND AGAIN I WAS LIKE OH!!

DEFINITELY HAD A SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE🫣 i went into the theater completely blind to what was gonna happen and was surprised to see so many ppl?? and honestly ate up the whole movie — like ik there are mixed opinions regarding it but it was so good??? and when sephiroth showed up at the end i was completely GONE my eyes were fr glued to the screen it was just insane and the fight was so well put together??? 12/10 movie🗣️ OOOO THAT SOUNDS COOL honestly i wish i’d gotten into ff at a younger age but growing up i was super immersed in tekken and star wars ( mainly ), it’s where a lot of my inspiration comes from😵‍💫 probably why i like sephiroth sm too cuz he reminds me of anakin a lot.. but yeah, i held off on tapping into ff since school was out for blood with me🫡 so i’m grinding and indulging in whatever i can now before uni starts for me😭 BAHAHAHA she has no intentions of allowing me any escape i fear.. BRO FFN AS IN FANFICTION.NET?? i have not heard abt that site in so long oml.. i started there too back in 2017😭😭 i was into fairy tail at the time :’) but i shifted over to wp and now juggle wp and tumblr.. online ive been writing i wanna say for about seven years?? but writing ive been doing since i was about eight yrs old ( currently nineteen😵‍💫 ) geez i feel old now as well looking back at everything i wrote😭😭

HAJQHSJS YEAH E2L😭😭 last year i was reading so many fantasy enemies to lovers books that i picked up the lingo readers often used..😶‍🌫️ BUT IT SO IS THE BEST DYNAMIC! it just goes harder than it should😩 zakkura is cute but i feel you on that i need complexity i need ANGST i need shit to go down, the touch her / him and you die, the who hurt you, stakes, conflict, build up — SLOW BURN AND THE BANTER OML like i need all of that bc when they get together there’s just- this satisfaction where you’re like FUCK YEAH!! ahem but yeah😭 i agree, zakkura is more comforting and just sweet, very much on the healing side — its good when you need hella fluff</3 but they’re also the definition of right person, wrong time / not enough time🥹 ff7 is so cruel</3

IM FR LIVING FOR SEPHIROTH TEASING THE HELL OUT OF CLOUD AND GETTING ON HIS NERVES😭 its just so GOOD. so satisfying to read🫣 ZACK IS SUCH A BESTI FR!! we love him for supporting his buddies<3 i cant wait to see more!! and yes😭 i read everything a little throughout the month since your style was just so refreshing to read<3

the last chance was so good honestly i rlly liked the way you explored what was essentially a hypothetical of sephiroth returning again — i was so worried the whole time that smtn would happen to him but then i was like happy ending happy ending ( me on copium basically ) and it all went well<3 it was so cute to see sephi with the kids🥹

fr?? honestly i can see what you mean, i did notice it was a bit on the darker side which made me curious to see how you would handle the story — but i hope you’re doing okay now!! make sure you’re taking care of yourself!! but yup it helps to write whenever things are tough tbh, best way to get stuff out :’) looking forward to seeing the reunion yupyup<3

BAHAHHA DW I WROTE A LOT TOO SO YOURE GOOD😭

hi hi not necessarily an ask but i wanted to tell you that your works are so good??? like i’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that your stories are not the canon plot of ff7 AND YET IT FEELS SO REALISTIC BECAUSE YOU PORTRAY THE CHARACTERS SO WELL??? i fr almost gaslighted myself for a second there BAHAHAHA ahem, anyway, really love your style of writing, it’s so refreshing to me<3 literally got me giddy and looking forward to fic updates for the first time in awhile?? i’ve been in a reading slump for a good minute and your sefikura fics dragged me out in the most emotional yet spicy way possible IDK HOW YOU DO IT WITH THE WAY TAG TEAMING SMUT AND ANGST SO LANGUIDLY, LITERALLY GOT ME UGLY CRYING ONE MINUTE AND THEN SCREAMING THE NEXT

the power you hold oml but anyway — all in all it’s immaculate, eating it up fr🧎‍♀️ can’t wait to read more!!

and ummmm.. my bad for the word vomit i fr had to simp on main and show my appreciation🫡 have a good rest of your day / night!!<33

Wow, thank you so much! 😱 It’s not everyday I get praised like that, and I’m so honored you like my work that much! 🥰 I love to write, and I have original work on the backburner indefinitely because sefikura has stolen my soul for all eternity, haha. And I know exactly what you mean, I was so disappointed that fics I liked a lot only updated once a year or were left unfinished and I just...got so fed up with it that I decided I’d rather just spend my time writing my own than keep trying to read them. That’s why I’ll never leave a story unfinished(though sequels may take a while to appear). My comments section on AO3 is open to both users and guests, so you are always free to scream about it there or here, I don’t mind in the slightest! It makes me excited to post when you’re excited for the update, too! 

Out of curiosity, which story got you hooked on my work? 👀 In Death is my current fic that has 5 chapters left, and I’ll post one every single Friday until it’s complete, with chapter 15 coming out in just a couple days~! Ahh, the reunion is almost at hand! I also made a special image for the final chapter, and I can’t wait to share it. :) Thank you for leaving me such a lovely comment, I’m truly honored to receive it! 💖💖

[actualsunflower]

I have a huge life update to share rn--- My top surgery consultation is scheduled for July 5th!!!! I’M SO EXCITEDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!! I’ve also been vaccinated!! :D ANNNDDD MY LEGAL NAME AND SEX HAVE BEEN CHANGEDD!!!!! :DDDD kind of a lot has happened since I’ve been actually active around here But now I guess is the much harder part, my official surgery date will be set at the consultation, but there’s a required $1,000 fee to set the official date for my surgery. The $1,000 covers a portion of the surgery as well, and the base price for the surgery is $8,500. I’ll get the exact price on July 5th, but that’s their base rate. I need to earn or raise at least $1,000 of the total cost before July 5th to secure my surgery date!! I’m going to take commissions when I can, I have 1 almost entirely complete right now and then I can take on more! I’m gonna have a more detailed explanation of everything under the cut so this isnt super super long so pls read under there if you want all the deets Pls consider commissioning me or donating so I can get top surgery!! read more for more info and me being sappy abt my emotions--

I’ve waited so long for this and I’m fricken excited, it’s the last step in transitioning for me! It really means everything for me, I feel like I’ve been waiting forever and I can’t believe it’s finally happening !?!!! I am forever in everyones debt here and everywhere because I never wouldve even been able to start hrt if it wasn’t for the help here. I’m just so. Overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude I cant even tell how many times Ive cried and just felt like... actual gender euphoria since starting t..

So abt the appointment, I’m getting surgery with Dr. Javad Sajan, and I’m getting button hole double incision. Im serious his before and after pictures make me so emotional I am so happy and emotional for those people and I cannot wait to feel that kind of happiness and relief. But a big problem about this for me, is that he is in Seattle, and I live in southern Oregon. I can’t drive, so I have to rely on someone else, or take the train from a nearby city (Eugene). My consultation is over skype (which is amazing and a huge relief), but my pre-op appointment is in person, and of course so is the actual surgery. We’re planning on taking the train from Eugene because it seems to be the most reliable way to get there and back each time. Aside from my surgery, I’ve got to cover the price of the trip there and back (twice, once there and back for pre-op, once there and back post op,) and the price of a place to stay during the pre-op appointment. Right now my goal cost wise, is just the booking and base appointment price ($8,500, that’s including the $1,000 appointment setting deposit, which is just a part of the surgery cost and the base covers everything, surgery, the stay at the hospital, nips, anesthesia, everything). The full price is due at the pre-op appointment, and that’s the final bill. My insurance doesn’t cover anything because it’s out of state and county, and because its informed consent model. (which Im choosing because Id have to battle insurance for 2 years minimum if I was getting the surgery in Oregon, but I am very set on my surgeon after considering everything and calling many offices and looking through many subreddits and talking to ppl who’ve gotten it here and there) A lot of this information is on their site as well. As soon as I have my consultation, I will be right here to update everything and set the exact price, which I’ll also be including the price of transportation and staying there. As for paying, I’ve been applying to so many jobs, and even when I get interviews I never hear back from them. People keep telling me to stop admitting I’m disabled but I just can’t do that. Lying about being disabled doesnt make me abled and they don’t get that. I’m still trying though, and I am not going to stop trying until I get a job. But until then commissions and donations are my only source of income. I’ve been struggling getting help psychologically, because I have schizophrenia, and because I was diagnosed with adhd as a child, but I think I’m actually autistic rather than having adhd, and it’s been really hard trying to get diagnosed because I keep getting pushed off or told I cant have autism because I have paranoid schizophrenia or because its “just adhd”, but the medications are just making everything worse, and Ive tried more than one already. My medications for schizophrenia have started not working right, and when my schizophrenia meds get under control, it makes my adhd (?) significantly worse. Genuinely, I really dont know what’s happening. I really dont know whats going on with me right now and it’s hard and confusing and I keep swinging back and forth and it’s making everything deteriorate so fast I cant keep up with it. It seriously effects my ability to do anything at all, even art, and its been like this for the last 6 months. I am trying though, still trying to work, still trying to get a job, still trying to get a real diagnosis and help and Im not going to stop any of that. But I think getting top surgery as soon as possible is going to help me too, because dysphoria has just gotten so much worse focusing on my chest since t has started helping me pass and look so much more masculine. It’s like all my attention went from everything DIRECTLY to my chest and its almost unbearable. Even now since my sex has been legally changed I keep having the horrible thoughts of ‘why, why I am a man Im not supposed to be this way’ and shit idk. I’m getting too serious right now I have an appointment with the dmv to get a new updated driver’s permit with my name and fixed legal sex, and when I do that I can set up a bank account (I cant yet bcs I dont have a valid id/ id at all because I actually lost the other one and have been carrying around that paper one you’re supposed to destroy that is literally from 2016) and when I do, I’m going to set up a proper gofundme for my surgery and the travel expenses, but for now all I have is my paypal and online banking savings account. I’ll get that up asap once I have my id, though (Ive already been to the bank with my notarized judge passed papers and they wont take those yeah I know it’s stupid its like the same thing) But uhhh yeah! Thank you for reading this far if you did lol and considering helping me bcs my god, it literally means everything to me. pls share hehe

[bangtanger]

CONTENT CREATOR YEAR IN REVIEW

was thinking for 84 hours where should i post it but as its my creator blog i m doing it here <3 i was tagged by @taemaknae @suhdays @ynki @honsool @jjeongukie @taeyungie @dearbangtansonyeondan @lifegoesmon @everythingoes @flipthatjacketjiminie @yoongi-bts @jiminslight @hopekidoki @cowboyjinbop @yoonqiful @jcngkooks @pjmsdior @hobeah @balenciaguks​ @jinvant @hobibestboy @vjimin @yoongikook AND THANK U SO MUCH FOR INCLUDING ME T_T ik maybe its not a big deal but its a big deal to me and im touched :(((((((((((( also gimme some time to check all ur posts 👉👈 also im in a mood to say that ive collected many pokemons here djfksfhsakjddld ok nvm 

also sorry for a long post ik tmblr fvcks things up sometimes when there is keep reading so dont fight me plz <3

❀ first creation and most recent creation of 2020 

ok this is the fist one (still very pleased with colouring here T_T the stage lighting was,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, well yeah as always lmao) and this is the most recent (TBH DKJSKDSDK I WISH MY MOST RECENT POST COULD BE A DIFFERENT ONE THE ONE I WANNA MAKE FOR A MONTH NOW THE ONE ID PUT A LOT MORE EFFORTS IN SO IM A LIL FRUSTRATED i literally just missed giffing but couldnt watch anything new so took an old vid i wanted to gif once I DIDNT EVEN USE MYCOLOURING PSD IT LITERALLY HAS ONLY COUPLE OF LAYERS uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :( but whatever,,, it just kinda doesnt show the difference -_-)

❀ a creation u r really proud of 

well 👁👄👁 there r quite few,,, and the main reason is colouring most of these r comps and i a b s o l u t e l y sucked at comps and esp at making the colouring consistent there lol so lets begin lol  1 (u have no idea how muchi love this set) 2 (i fucking mastered it i wanted to remake it for two years and i finally did!! 60 fps smooth good moments iconic performance iconic hair colour his attitude bruh and ofc the fact that i could do sth with colouring,,,,,, and chose such an unusual colour scheme that i doubted jckdckfdk and it still worked out 🥺) 3 (lol i had this idea written down since 2018 as well and this year i could finally collect all moments i needed and oh boi yeah,,, AND COLOURING I COULD ALMOST yeah almost do sth decent with it there r still couple moments id changed but im pleased) 4 (im so happy whenevr i see this CUZ IT ALL WORKED OUT it was such an impulsive comp i literally only saw couple moments for past few years as well where i could see three of them in one frame and suddenly I WAS LIKE I FUCKING MUST POST THOSE MOMENTS SOMEHOW and im so proud of colouring it looks so well T_T) 5 (the colouring ofc im still :o that i could get rid of that shitty shit dkksjkj AND THE MOMENTS ITSELF?????? AND BLACK SWAN???????? EVERY PERFORMANCE???? HAIR?????? OUTFIT???????? EVRERYHTIGNM???????? HIS FUCKING STARE? FACE??? DONT MAKE ME CONTINUE AAAAAAAAAAA also if im not wrong this set in particular made me start my before/after posts 🥺) 6 (i jujst love everything about it e v e r yt h i n g also i could made ppl believe that jin fr has purple hair here when in reality its brown djhfdhskdf one of blending modes or adjustment layers worked this way lol) 7 (i wont even comment this tried a great tutorial with great beautiful resuls for the first time ever and it worked out so well and i like it so much and the whole yoongi here,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, also love me some borders that add cinematic feels to some gifs or just make them pretty in a dif way just like i did with prev post i mentioned imo lol) OK LAST ONE 8 (I USED A VIDEO OF STARS AND ADDED IT TO THE GIF FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER I FUCKED WITHMASKING FOR 3 HOURS GRRRRRRRR THIS IS SO HUGE FOR ME!!!!! i cant even explain whew IVE NEVER DID ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE SO I WAS REALLY PROUD TOO even tho i fucked masking up on some layers lmao but lets not pay too much attention to it 👀)

❀ a creation that took u forever

ohhhhhhhh i think this one cuz the moments were long i couldnt decide what do i want to include + it ts file so u kno,,, the speed,,, of processing,, + somehow decided to put them all together + fucked with colouring + had to get rid of the logo and as we know japan likes a lot of big braight text around haha and draw hair in moments where logo made it look blurry + had to adjust the order and all that stuff but getting rid of logo was the longest part 

❀ a creation from 2020 that received the most notes

whew this iconic one im still amazed tbh they looked soso incredible and im glad how everything turned out here <3 (could change some colouring on bg tho so it could look better and more hq :c)

❀ a creation u think deserved more notes 

lol this one cuz i was so hyped to make it cuz their concert in saudi arabia is one of my fav things in the world and i waited for so long to have mood and energy to go throught it to find jk moments and i couldnt choose some for this comp for so long and just,,,,,, overall,,,, the way he looks here............................................................... its a special comp to me haha ill def gif more of it i have shit ton of clips left and also there r other members and i just want to sit and enjoy yhe whole thing to so may find more stuff to gif here lol

❀  a new fandom u joined an a creation u made for it 

i didnt join anything heurheru

❀ a creation u made that breaks ur heart

OKAY LISTEN DSJAKDJHFDKJ THIS ONE IF U KNOW U KNOW AND IM SURE IT BREAKS ALMOST EVERY HEART tbh whenever i see soft smiles or soft interactions or anything like this im just :’( <3 even my serotonin boost tag does it to me cuz its too precious T_T

❀  a ‘simple’ creation that u really love

this one cuz everything about it ah and this one 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

❀ a creation that was inspired by someone else

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm idk maybe this one ? cuz i never did anything like this before and maybe i saw someones beautiful headers and decided to try one too ? i could do a lot better there is not enough depth but oh well,,, lol

❀  a favourite creatin created by someone else

oh its gonna be hard :) dear every conten creator i hope u dont mind if i wont go though the whole 2020 gif tag but choose form the most recent ones i loved? u know how much i appreciate ur content cuz i never stop screaming about it in tags but truly there r more content makers and i want u to know that i really love ur content :(

@syubb welllllllllllll i wont even comment this is iconique.....

@jinv T_T val i miss u but there should be bday comps with that BIG ASS IMAGE THAT HAS ITS PARTS ON EVERY SINGLE GIF I CANT EVEN EXPLAIN that icant even find dfjksfskj

@jung-koook i literally couldnt choose ehdskjdjksd but i decided this one cuz its sososososososososososososososososososososo well made every single detail here is chefs kiss

@kkulmoon i truly really cant get enough of ur colouring lately T_T

@minhope !!!!!!LITERALLY EVERY PANTONE COMP OR ESPECIALLY 7 YEARS WITH BTS PANTONE ONE IM AAAAAAAAAAAAA and lmao i think this is one of the most reposted things ive ever seen on internet T_T

@jjoon hng amy u know how i feel about ur content T_T decided this one cuz f l a w l e s s 

@hopekidoki stuff like this makes my jaw lie in the floor dsjkdj

@flipthatjacketjiminie idk whats up but it makes me scream like a madman every time i see it.........

@lifegoesmon i cant even explain why i chose this one but everything here is so incredible !!!!!!!!1

@hobeah one of those good fucking bye ones.....

@taeyungie this made me feel so many things and a whole ass a w e so cool T_T

@jiminfilter i will never shut up about bts core jungkook one should also be here

@seoksjin THE COLOURS I SCREAM OH MY GOD O HMY OGD I JUST WENT TO CHECK OUT AND SAW THIS AND IMMEDIATELY DJKSJD DECIDED THIS IS CRAZY THE PASTELS THE PINNKS AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA EVERYHTGIN but also those birthday posts ahhh T_T

@jinvant i wanna YELL but also u know how much i love ur quality and blacks  T_T and gfxs too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@yoongi-bts i love everything here with my whole heart!!!

@everythingoes SHOUWLD I EVEN EXPLAIN WHY

@hobibestboy THIS IS SO COOL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA THE COLOUR SCHEME

@joenns  I WONT EVEN EXPLAIN IM SO HURT HES SO THIS IS SO T____________________T 

@jjeongukie idk i cant get enough of skin tone!!!!!!!!!!!!

@chaylani i really love the colouring and love these posts with highlights T_T

@eklipxe COLOURING AND EVERYTHIGN

@oncupid cant get enough of every colouring ive seen <3

@jiminslight THIS WHOLE GIF RIGHT HERE

@6dis-ease COZY AND PRECIOUS T_T

@ofkimtaehyung I LITERALLY HAVE NO WORDS ITS SO PRETTY

@taee it was really hard to choose too T_T decided to go with this cuz,, u kno

@yoonqiful CUZ THESE COLOURS DRIVE ME INSANE

OK THIS IS GETTING TOO LONG KDSFJSAKDL I WOULD ADD A LOT MORE CUZ THERE IS A LOT MORE TO ADD BUT IVE BEEN DOING THIS FOR THREE HOURS I BETTER CHILL 

❀  some of your favourite content creators from this year

ok i may forgot someone + in no order in particular + literally every creator that i follow/whose content i reblog @taeguks @tearuntold @cyphertaehyungie @love4hobi @kimnamtaejin @taejoon @jimiyoong @namkook @taeyungie @jinvant @jinv @6dis-ease @jiminrolls @daechwitas @syubb @syuga @jjeongukie @cowboyjinbop @hope-film @minhope @hopekidoki @joonie @namgination @jung-koook @faerieth @kooksv @lifegoesyoon @yoonqiful @j-sope @chaylani @jiminfilter @jjoon @everythingoes @varietae @seoksjin @dearbangtansonyeondan @ofkimtaehyung @yoongi-bts @gaypeople @seokjinyoongis @agustdfeatrm @joenns @houseofarmanto @namjoon (will miss forever) @thebtsgenre @honsool @vjimin @seokjinite @jiminswn @taee @hobeah @lifegoesmon @taemaknae @gukgi @kkulmoon @flipthatjacketjiminie @jintae @jcngkooks @ynki @yoongikook @yoongiandthebiaswreckers @jiminslight @gwkie @oncupid @eternalbulletproof and many more <3

OK SO i wanna say a special thanks to every content creator ever and also i wanna say that im really glad to be a part of this community all of u r so cool and creative and make such beautiful things and many of u made me feel EMOTIONS with ur sets or not only sets ill be forever grateful that i discovered bts and for everything they do to me without even knowing ALSO THANK U FOR STILL BEING HERE ON TUMBRLDSDFKJ yeah this year was less active there were few issues many ppl went on twt but thank u for still being here also happy new year <3333333 i think i sounded deeper and more emotional when i was commenting ppls gifs :| but its almost 2 am so i hope u will understand dkfjkfsjk im happy there is this corner on the internet that feels cozy and so welcoming <3 i love u i wish u a better year ahead <3 ok for checking notifications purpose ill tag my blog lol @eternal-bangtan

[daaziscoolbesties]

i yearn for one(1) thing only, and that is to have a nice, simplistic, cartoonish artstyle. an artstyle that doesnt rely on anatomy, but the "movement" of the drawing, if you get what i mean.

i dont want realistic proportions and traditional colors and basic poses and gradient shading, i want funky lil dudes in funky poses with funky styles littering my sketchbook :( but alas i havent figured out how to develop that kind of style yet, my brain wants anatomy to look nice but also i dont want to draw eyes. i dont want to take time out of my day to learn how to draw lips i want to draw a line that extends past the characters face. i dont want all my characters to have pointy chins with curved cheeks i want their heads to be round and friend-like or full of sharp edges depending on their personalities and styles. i want to give them all not-quite human ears, blob feet, simple faces, but at the same time i want enough detail to convey the story or emotion im trying to tell.

ive spent so much time recently agonizing over how to use 3d model websites, using real-life references and tracing over them for practice, color-picking from real images to try and do realism and failing miserably, but you know whats easier than that? funky little dudes. little dudes who do not care if their legs are too long or their hair is too bouncy. i dont want my characters to look human.

ive spent enough time on the artfight website to realize that most people who classify their characters as "human" have the most basic ass designs (no offense to people who like basic human designs its just not my thing) or its like dnd-medieval style outfits which i cant draw for the life of me (ive tried). again no offense to people who actively enjoy and draw characters like that. i just need my dudes to have that certain,,, off-ness to them. tails are cool. wings are swag (especially if they arent even like,, fully attached,, ), elf ears are so wonderful to me no matter how much theyre overused, horns are so much fun to draw, and colors!! i have no knowledge in the color theory department so this works great for me!! the only thing i really know is dont shade with black, other than that i just colorpick from references usually but i dont want to do that!! i want the colors to hurt people's eyes but in a satisfying way. like the character's design is so nice to look at that you dont mind your eyes hurting a bit. like how im enjoying writing this post even though its 2 am and the brightness on my computer wont go any lower.

and then another thing ive noticed from being on the artfight website is that a lot of people classify their characters that are anthro/have anthro features under humanoids/monsters. like i made a google form to find some people to attack and someone sent me in a character with some sort of animal (wolf? idk) arms and legs. like dude!! peak character design i love her. but me personally? i cant draw that shit, its so hard for me. i tried a while back and its just Not my thing. nothing against furries i just. cant. and i dont want to either.

and i got another submission that i accidentally deleted that was like full anthro/wolf-like like my comrade,,, i cannot draw animals what makes you think i can draw an animal who acts like a human lmao. i can do like. very basic tails, and also animal ears but i cant do the arms and legs and such i just dont know the anatomy, and i know i was talking about how i dont want to care about anatomy but i feel like for anthros you really do need to know at least basic animal anatomy so you know how the limbs look and shit and i dont have that knowledge and dont feel like gaining it.

and then there were some submissions that i absolutely adored. there was one that like, was vaguely human shaped but definitely was not a human. they had a dark-ish lavender colored skin and horns and tusks and like goat ears and a sorta fluffy tail with spikes on it and they had wings and such and they were such a pleasure to draw i love them. and they had a fairly simple outfit too, nothing too complicated. and then i also enjoy object head characters, theyre so neato to me. i got one of those and i really wish i had the motivation to work on it cause it looks so fun.

i want to make funky characters but id have nothing to do with them because the only book i ever tried writing (key word tried - never got past planning it out) had strictly human characters in it, and most of the books i read are humans/humans with powers in situations specific to them so id have no idea what lore to make with the dudes. assuming i have the motivation to make lore and backstory because honestly i just really enjoy character designing its super duper fun.

(side note a song about trucks doing the deed came on just now and its interrupted my flow, apologies).

i only have three actual characters right now. one is an original roleplay oc whos design is literally athletic shorts, an oversized long sleeved grey sweatshirt, long purple hair, and demon horns. the second one is my persona whos design some sorta medival knight outfit kinda thing? but not ugly it looks really cool (idk one of my friends designed it bc i won some contest from him but the drawing was on a super small scale so idrk the details,,,) with a plague doctor mask and crown, and shoulder length wavy brown hair, dyed bright pink at the end. and then my last one im not too comfortable using other places because theyre a character my friend is using in the story hes writing, and thats really the only place theyve been used. but theyre easily my favorite and im already writing a ton so ill talk about them too.

they're a sorta elf species thing from another planet, with pale green skin and pointed ears. they also have a tail, its like,, super thin, but with a feathery bit at the end. probably not the texture of a feather but i dont know how else to describe it. they have short, curly, almost-draco-malfoy-blonde hair that when it gets too long they can put in a man bun. their eyesight is kinda shitty so when they got to earth, they were exploring some supply closets around the airship. drop off area. thing. like airport but for rocketships and also fancier. yeah. they were exploring that area and found a nice big pair of round glasses with grey frames. and they also found a cowboy-style hat and a sharpie so they wrote their name on the underside of the brim of the hat and stole the hat and glasses (but left the sharpie in the supply closet).

yeah theyre my favorite, my absolute beloved, my child, so cool. i want more characters like them but with maybe a bit more snazzier designs. theyre super cool and all but they could have more pizzazz if they werent in a story where its too late to give them more pizzazz. i just want to be able to give my characters thigh-high boots with a bunch of buckles and fluffy hair with tons of accessories crammed in and abnormally large and long ears that can harbor many piercings and horns that can hold rings on them and special little details on their outfits like who knows what but i dont have any characters to do that too, so i have to make them from scratch, which is always hard especially when you have artblock.

and i also have like 17 characters i need to fully draw, line, and maybe color for artfight before august 1st. so i dont know. i have many things to do and plenty of time to do it but instead i spend my time halfway watching repetitive youtube videos that get boring or sleeping all damn day because i stay up too late doing things like this or i just do nothing at all and its tiring and frustrating but i also feel nothing about it like theres no consequence if i dont do it besides you know. not doing it, not gaining that experience, not making something i enjoy.

so i should do it but i dont for whatever reason, i think its called executive dysfunction but im not sure. this post started out very differently than it ended and i said somewhere up there that i was writing this at 2 am but now its almost 3. this is so many words why couldnt i have put this energy into something productive

[tema-makes-art-sometimes]

Just saw your vent post and I think diving into your self indulgent stuff might help. For me personally, when working on original stuff, that's when I'll think about things like appealing to others/marketability/etc, but when it comes to fandom stuff, the only audience I care to pander to is Me, Myself, and I. Other people sometimes end up liking it, mostly it just goes ignored, maybe a like by a mutual if they see it. I prefer it this way, since worrying about appealing to more people when writing fanfic makes it feel too much like Writing I Do For Work, and I even never use betas for that same reason, it makes it feel too much like Work Writing, when fandom is Fun Writing.

I'm not sure what you do outside of fandom, but you have so much creativity, I've kinda assumed you've either been doing creative work or are studying to go into it--I can see you in a character design shop tbh, I can see Pin being a villain people would just eat up and love or love to hate.

If you're in a creative field, I feel like it's just good practice to go into Work Creative Space and Fandom Creative Space with different intents, if anything for the sake of mental health, as I've been in a very similar place, where silence on my fandom work would make me rethink what I'm doing, make me want to retcon WIPs, thinking "Maybe if I change this to that or this ship to that ship or change this character to be closer to fanon, more people will want to read/will comment/whatever".

You sound like you already very well know this isn't a healthy mindset, so I'm not going to go into that. I'll just say dive into that self indulgence, whether or not you're doing original creative work in the background as a job/part of study. You have great stuff, but audiences can get burned out just like creatives do. Sometimes it's because they're also creatives. Sometimes it's just burn out from seeing so much art/writing/media ALL THE TIME.

Something a professor told me was that if you got to go to an art museum, and you tried to really appreciate each piece, you'd end up exhausted before finishing even one section of the museum. This can lead to the 'mindless scrolling' a lot of the time. Fandom is becoming a large part of a lot of people's lives, but for most people, it's secondary or even tertiary media, and they're already putting a lot of energy into enjoying and appreciating the media they're in fandoms for. (Yes, there are some people who 'set fire to canon' and are in the center area of a fandom, but most people are closer to the sides, occasionally popping in from time to time but not setting up tents, if that makes sense.) So many of those people just don't have the energy to really get involved with a lot of media produced my fan creators, especially if they follow a lot of them and can only comment or otherwise get involved with a few posts/creators at a time. This can be what often leads to some 'visiting' the same 3-4 creators more often than they may go to another creator.

Setting up a place and waiting for more people to filter in can feel exhausting all by itself, especially when you're trying to create more to fill more of that space and hopefully entice more people to pop in and see what's going on.

When you focus on self indulgence for a while, you're not always looking at the door, since you usually don't expect people to walk in (at least, I never expect it), so when people actually do come in and tap you on the shoulder to see what you're working on and if they can see, it can really help offer that extra boost you need.

I really don't think you're doing anything wrong. A lot of artists who don't do what those "How to get more followers" tips still find an audience, sometimes due to the niche, sometimes starting out niche but expanding as more ideas get tossed in. Some artists who by the book, seem to do everything right, don't get nearly as much. There's really not a right or wrong way to create or share your creations. There are just a /lot/ of creators, so a lot of times, it boils down to how people find your door.

These are all really good points so I am going to share. Honestly a lot of my GerCanMano stuff is pure self indulgence but you're honestly right I think I'm probably gonna focus on some self indulgent shinanigans for a bit, and stop worrying as much about getting things out on time and making it perfect

but I do wanna point out this cause it hit me;

I'm not sure what you do outside of fandom, but you have so much creativity, I've kinda assumed you've either been doing creative work or are studying to go into it--I can see you in a character design shop tbh, I can see Pin being a villain people would just eat up and love or love to hate.

I was in school, but I never declared my major so I had to stop temporarily because I honestly don't know what major to be. There's so many things I like to do, but I don't know if I want to make a career out of them if that makes sense.

Like art, I love art and video games, I'd love to do things like animation or graphic design or be my own indie developer, but I worry if thinking about a game like a business slash whats making me money will ruin the creative process. It wont be making things for the joy of making things, it would be for my job because I had to, and idk- that just isn't as fun. Im worried about that mentality sinking in. I like them but idk if I wanna have to take them full on seriously as a career.

I'm trying to get a minimum wage job right now but its hard to find a job right now in the US job climate, especially with the fact that I have to find job willing to cater to a disability I have currently offrecord because my doctor wouldnt listen to me. Which is even harder because Ive had to walk away from jobs before because they wouldnt give me accomedations without doctors recommendation.

I am planning to set up a Etsy shop right now actually. I need to get a printer, but otherwise hopefully soon I will have a store up with stickers and preorders for keychains. One day I plan to get a button press and make my own buttons. I have hetalia merch planned, as well as my ocs. I'd love and have designs for all sorts of stuff, custom tshirt designs- like subtle hetalia fan stuff like pockets on the chest witht he character "sticking out" with familiar hetalia patterns. I have miraculous ladybug stuff planned. My friend gave me the idea of aster's heart as a friendship necklace and I love it, I could imagine all sorts of needle and thread themed pin merch I have a lot of ideas its just designing and making them and seeing if people would buy them.

I dont quite know what you mean by character design shop if thats something different or not, but yes.

Ill save a ramble about pin for a seperate post this ask is long and so is my response so Ill stop

[perap]

Ngl hearing your Avery headcanons would be neat!

HEAVY BREATHING

ok perap. you are going to talk about avery. you can be normal when you talk about him. you can do this.

ok first thing i wanna say is that, much like half the pokemon fandom on this website, i too have absorbed him into my personality day one of the dlc. he literally hits all the marks on character traits/tropes that i love and im so happy he exists and i can(have) write(n) actual essays about him. this also means i project on him like a bitch bc i both want to be him (ok. maybe i want him to be like me, i mean, hes already got the family disappointment part down so.) and want to date him (also like half the fandom). btw fun fact as of the time of writing this i have officially thought about him for exactly 200 days in a row :)

welp. off to an absolutely terrible start on the whole being-normal-about-him thing huh

ok anyways actual stuff abt him now!!!1!!

a while back i mentioned he was was demiromantic but i want to specify that he is bi-demi and if there is ANY TIME anyone tries to complain abt me making him a special snowflake i will add another label. dont test me. hes also ace (acery) bc i have this thing thats like gaydar except its ace-dar.. ace-ar? idk but i have that for fictional characters and his ace frequencies id received from him were through the roof. totally not because im aspec and i like him or anything and also that ive typoed his name like 30 times already. also he is touch starved and doesnt know ANYTHING abt romance bc he is dumb :)

this is a good time to say that it comes as a surprise to literally no one that i unironically and unapologetically ship him w klara bc im like that and i have to ship the best friends. YES they become friends after they get arrested at the wendys. it takes a while tho and even longer for them to start dating bc hes demi and also i l o v e slow burns. like they really dont like each other during ioas storyline but reluctantly work together anyways bc they find a couple of kids more threatening than each other, apparently. and shenanigans ensue. THATS HONESTLY what originally drew me in to their characters and god bless honey and mustards souls for putting up w them both at the same time because. god they are stupid. disaster assholes. dgtuusgudftzu. like i said this before but they legit have a jessie and james dynamic except way more petty and rude to each other and WHEN i saw OTHER PEOPLE on THE TUMBLRWEBZ say that EXACT THING about them i lost my fucking mind bc!!! THATS THEM!!! AND IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY WHEN I SEE OTHER PEOPLE W THE SAME HCS AS ME AND I JUST!!! GO CRAZY GO STUPID YA KNOW!!!!

but ya in my au they get married in like 2030 because i said. spoilers.

ok but abt the shenanigans thing, they are both just inherently prone to slapstick (his powers especially open up so many opportunities for stupid gags) and i just REALLY love how expressive they are and i like imagining how animated and eccentric avery can be... like thats just my love for the style of old cartoons creeping its way into my interests sydjsysjs

ok other random things: he is a germaphobe and doesnt want to touch anything ever, i mean hes got those stupid gloves on which would help but it doesnt even matter bc he just... uses his powers for everything so its like. he has negative muscle mass in his arms before he gets jacked ofc AFGSHSHVJ bc he doesnt ever have to do anything with them.

also hes afraid of bugs bc psychic and that makes him an easy target for klara to fuck w him :}

OHHH... did u kno? (i posted it before so maybe) avery secretly has another power... each of his tails is filled with immense love, and when touched, if he likes you, that love and happiness will be transferred to you... its true...! but ONLY if he likes you. if he doesnt, well he wont curse you or anything like that cuz he cant (he wishes he could tho) but he will forcibly move you 10 feet away from his person... vertically.

hmm.. more about him being a fox... he wasnt even supposed to stay as a ninetales but foxes are my favorite animal so i got attached to the idea bc its rly indulgent... and also? i think it works so much better for his lore that he isnt a psychic type but the stuff abt his family lineage and how his powers work with the igi lore surrounding the furries is a WHOLE other can of worms and im not about to make this post a biography and lore essay lmao.

speaking of his family stuff... the big change to his arc in igi is that he doesnt become a gym leader... and this is entirely due to the fact i may have read way too much into his character and came to my own conclusions about where his arc was headed. i was honestly satisfied with the fact it was left open-ended at the conclusion of ioas storyline cuz that meant i could interpret his future however i wanted and still have some merit but... they really did just vaporize all my character development id made for him with the release of the second dlc. i mean, i expected it, but i was still let down. guess its no ones fault but my own for feeling betrayed! and i am the ONLY person on this planet who was adamantly against him being a gym leader and i will probably be called a fake fan and a loser for not supporting his "dream" but... once again with the worms and not wanting to go into it all here.

THAT WASNT THE FIRST TIME ID ~ALLEGEDLY~ MISINTERPRETED HIS CHARACTER THO... i... i made the man TOO SMART... i gave him TOO MANY iq points and i fucking lost it when i realized... fucking.. ok... i had figured, after getting fired or whatever from being a gym trainer, he had maybe somewhat tried to not levitate people, or at least acknowledge that he probably shouldnt have been doing that... not because hes concerned for other peoples personal space or safety... oh no, it was because he just didnt wanna get kicked out from the dojo like he did from the gym. and then the fucking. twilight wings episode came out where he was just casually harassing that poor man and i was like GOD i really gave him TOO MANY BRAINCELLS HUH. FUCK he is an IDIOT he is SO STUPID...

ok. ya know what? ill say my reasons for why i accidentally made him Think Thoughts for once. i will end this off with an angsty thing. as a treat. because i like angst and i like hurting him :o) ya see, after hed lost his position as gym trainer, his family (parents? grandparents?? whoever) were Not happy with him... they basically ~banished~ (OoOoh scary) him until he could prove he was capable of holding the title of gym leader. and i thought maybe that would smack at least enough sense into him to not repeat the same mistake that got him into this mess in the first place... though i cant make any promises considering hes a jerk and his attitude gets in the way of all logic and reasoning. so yes there is a lot more edgie stuff where that came from cuz its igi and thats how it is :o)

SO YEAH SHDBSHDH!!!1!11!! THANKS FOR ENABLING ME I LOVE THIS MAN A L O T. THERE WERE OFC OTHER THINGS I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO ADD BUT IT WAS GETTING TOO LONG.

IF U MANAGED TO MAKE IT THIS FAR HERE IS A WIP ANIMATION OF HIM AS THE DANCING BRAZILIAN DOG MEME I HOPE TO COMPLETE IN THE NEAR FUTURE

[bittybattybunny]

I'm enjoying the various facts of the RuClipse Aus, mostly because I was planning to do RuClipse month. So Im curious how many you have? I know you got A LOT, I mean, I remember the list you post before and apparently you have more under your sleeve (Im looking at that Regis kills Eclipse D':). Im just curious as which ones are more present in your mind/you have more facts and lore. -from a RuClipse fan

dlkgjsdkgkldsngkladnklgsfd

I JUST

IM SORRY IM JUST BLOWN AWAY I HAVE FUCKING RUCLIPSE FANS

PLEASE UNDERSTAND THE SHEER SHOCK THIS GIVES ME AND DELIGHT

dgfisjkgfjdskg

Speaking of Ruclipse month I’m makign a proper “banner” with teh prompts this is the WIp image

As for Aus!!

this is gonna get long---

Ummmm The lsit wasn’t full full cuz like I have some AUs tied into others and some I’ve made since then... Like i have a number of Aus I don’t talk about since they are mostly JUST RuClipse focus like I have a Kelpie AU in which Arulius is a Kelpie who’s been trying to eat Eclipse since she was a child but winds up falling for her when she’s older because she’s facinating and eventually starts staying with her because humans age too fast. I also have a Red Riding Hood AU that’s cute fluff. Plus my Fairy Cinderella one.

IDK an exact number tbh I’d have to like. Sit and count.  I just like to write them cuz it’s relaxing and I really need that (like man i need relaxing... i had a break down at my day job and my manager had to drive me home by force cuz I wanted to keep working----but that’s because im a severe workaholic with some trauma involved with perfectionism)

Which are my focus/most lore

Right now it’s @eclipseofthehat that’s a big one!!! I’ve been working a lot on the comic scripts and figuring that plot out since I consider that AU kinda my “hub” Au in which everything else is the AU of if that makes sense?

Other than that I’m slightly obsessed with the Nutcracker AU and the Triassic Planet AU but I’m not the main writer on those so I can’t do much lore there.

Well I’m making a shit ton of angst in the Triassic Planet AU but that’s cuz Gin  is as angst fueled as I am.

The thing with me is I get inspired off pretty much anything and can come up with a full damn lore plot in a matter of hours.

Sometimes I go ham on them and they become full-fledged things (like the Lamia AU i have was based off of the simple fact of I was watching Anime, a lamia showed up and I went ‘hey what if’ and now I wrote about 7 short chapters i need to finish) or I just do a snippet (the phantom of the opera au. Like i do have the full plot figured. but I really just wanted to write a small snippet)

I have a lot of like partially written things I just worked on while I was bored, sometimes I sketch things randomly and run off.

I get stressed out pretty easily and over whelmed with day to day stuff so I use this as my escape.

anyhow here’s a smallish list of AUs i have rn I think are new from that list im too lazy to look up:

Under a read more CUZ IT GOT LONGER THAN I THOUGHT

Lawbound (Hattie summoned poor law student Prynce Arulius Law who is dead by his fiancee’s hand and trying to solve his own murder. Chapter one is written to post Im doing the cover. chapter 2 is started. Epilogue is also already written)

Red is the Wolf (Red riding hood au, Eclipse is a young woman who’s slowly become a wolf forest spirit due to being born with too much magic. If she interacts with humans she’ll remains human. however she has a terrible fear of people. Her life gets thrown when she accidentally encounters the Prince in the woods and discovers he’s similar to her but his curse is more damaging. She winds up trying to break his curse while slowly falls for her)

The Snake prince (based off my favorite fable from childhood ‘the enchanted snake’ in which Arulius is a Prince who was turned into a snake for the sin of signing the order to execute the forest guardians. his fiance was unable to bear his snakeness and had him trapped in her basement where he escaped injured. he was found by folklorist Eclipse who is a witch and the lone survivor of the massacre. they have no idea of the other’s identity but this is the one AU he’s pretty open about his feelings and while she’s trying to break his curse they end up in love and eventually she has to do the kings trials and Ru semi breaks his curse and the two flee his father who wants her dead. I actually drew a really cute picture of right after eclipse properly breaks his curse. it’s a super fluffy au tbh)

Sunken Ship (new au from the past week. Eclipse is a sea witch who loves ship wrecks. she met the ghost of Arulius Law, a law student who passed away when his fiance shoved him off the sinking ship. She took his skull back to New york with her so he can try to move on. Bittersweet story of them growing close but he’s dead... but mermaids live a long time. and im a slut for reincarnation)

Whipped Water Horse (this is the kelpie au i talked about above. Arulius is a Kelpie who’s been threatened with a whip by Amaris Nightingale since she was a small child and she doesn’t fear the fae. ends up falling in love with her and saving her several times from her human suitors under the guise of “youre my target so no one can have you” has some major angst and some not so fun stuff nearly happen)

The contractor’s wish (Snatcher is a demon who has to grant the whims of those who form contracts by writing in the book he’s bound to. Eclipse found the book while cleaning her attic out and ends up freeing him without question. he sticks around and slowly recalls being human and how he wound up in his situation while trying to figure what his actual wish is)

Cute Barista (a coffee shop au with a cinderella twist. Amaris is a graphic design student who works at her brother’s cafe “the horizon” and attracted the attention of a law student named Arulius law who visits daily. Her brother tried to get him to piss off but sadly the two actually enjoy chatting with each other. As a peck you to her brother they start going on dates. She’s very down on herself and he’s secretly the reclusive prince who’s been in hiding because he’s afraid of peoples reactions after he was scarred by an accident in his youth. he’s trying to find the best way to tell her the truth but also doesn’t want to scare her away. He’s a single father in this having adopted Harriet while doing volunteer work)

the Art Student’s muse (this one is fully written i just haven’t posted it. Basically, Arulius is an art student who became obsessed with this one nude model they had. Like not persay in a creepy way she just captivated him. he gets a lot of shit from his best friend Vanessa but winds up keeping the model in mind despite not seeing her. In his senior year they cross paths again and she has a break down but they wind up together.)

Swapped (a short one shot chapter in which TLC eclispe wakes up as Moon guardian Eclipse and gets very confused emotions when snatcher kissed her)

Darkrai’s Wish (a pokemon au Ive posted one chapter of already in which Arulius is a darkrai but used to be human and doesnt remember this. he has to deal with being human again thanks to a little jirachi and dealing with the fact he loves Eclipse who has issues cuz he used to be a pokemon)

Wolf bite (Prince Arulius was cursed as a werewolf in his youth. as an adult when he got out one full moon he bit a village girl giving her the curse as well. She winds up nearly being burned at the stake for witch craft and he has her saved and brought to the castle. he’s trying to make it up to her but she’s understandably pissed off. It’s a lot of him trying to get her to be not angry but also they start liking each other and she helps teach him a lot about how the world works because he’s naive and sheltered)

Familiar (Amaris lives in a world magic exists. many people have famialars to help do day to day tasks and the more impressive your family the better. Most meet their famialar when they are children, however, Amaris didn’t. But one day her past returns and she is taking care of a small chubby dragon who to everyone else looks like a deformed ferret and has to learn her magic may not be as limited as thought as well as the truth behind her familiar and the strange young man who keeps stopping by her work with flowers for her)

The Prince’s Pet Snake (this is the lamia au. Eclipse is a dangerous lamia with venom to take down an army. Arulius is a naive prince who thought of her as an animal and came to realize she’s far more human than he thought and being dumb to the fact he loves her despite he’s engaged. Has a sad ending)

Tangled Adventure (tangled au: Arulius law was cursed by his wife and is now trying to find the horizon and the daughter of the moon to break it. he picks up a changling child along the way who’s also searching for the horizon to find out where she came from. they meet the daughter of the moon but it seems to break the curse isnt as simple as they think and after making a deal with her to show her the outside they get into trouble when the queen comes looking for her lost prince)

Going Ghost (a danny phantom au idk if i’ve mentioned at all lol. hat and bow are twins and friends of arulius and they are inspecting a weird floor at his girlfriend's house. he winds up getting stuck when they trigger a gate to the horizon and becomes the snatcher. thankfully MJ and Eclipse where there and can somewhat help him calm down but it’s nuts)

Princess and the Rogue (a fantasy Au in which Eclipse is a runaway princess who became a fighter and teamed up with the rogue Snatcher who was cursed after wooing a noble woman. the two have been traveling for a few years and have one of those totally love each other but wont say it but also the search for the princess is getting intense and his curse is getting worse.)

Undergrounded (this is just my undertale au. )

Skates on Point (an ice skating au. Arulius is part of a famous olypic duo, Amaris is a selective mute woman who teaches at her daoptive father’s rink and an ex-ballet dancer. her brotehr was the gold medalist in the olympics but had to quit when he lost the use of his legs in a car wreck. Arulius is stressed over his realtionship and skating and winds up going to skate at the owl express rink where he sees the young woman skating alone in the morning. the two wind up bonding and spending more time togehter and she with his urging and her brother’s urging starts skating competitivly while he starts show skating under and alias and the two wind up performing togehter and realize they may have a thing. Eclispe is in teh process of adopting two little girls but having issues and ru helps and its jsut a lot of healing for everyone. Chapter 1, 2 and 3 typed as well as various snippets)

The little sea wolf (a little mermaid au but eclipse is the mermaid and a sea witch who winds up befriending teh prince after she saved him from thugs. things get sticky when the mermaid princess fell for him after seeing the sea witch save him from a shipwreck and deamnds to have him. the sea witch beause of teh strain of her magic starts to break down and unless she gains a soul she’ll die. Sena punches ru in this one and its great)

So yeah thats the ones on top my head im sure i probs have more but i cant think

[lankyledlights]

u should talk about ur ocs bro 😳 (but only if u wanna but agsndg i am intrigued)

okay so i have. A Lot more than what ive posted theres literally so many and i used to draw them So much my freshman year and now i just. Stopped for now reason at all anyways the whole plot(?) Kinda for (for like my main ocs at least there are a couple that are in a completely different universe)

So the main plot. Uh

There are a select group of individuals (only approximately 50 in the world) that have this special blood type called the golden blood type. This is an actual thing im pretty sure, i did research on it awhile ago so i dont remember a lot but! Its a thing

And theres this giant plague that sweeps the earth and basically any human (im saying human bc idk if animals have red blood types but the animals arent affected) with the basic red blood types are affected and their immune systems cant handle it so they all die (now that im typing this out this sounds depressing) and the 'gold' blood types are completely unaffected. This plague has been speculated happening by the government for years but theyve kept it secret because why would u tell the whole world its gonna die thats kinda messed

This whole time theyve been keeping most of these people with gold blood close together, or within the same area so when this giant emergency happens, they wont just be completely on their own, and theyll have others to be with.

one of my ocs, florence, her parents secretly are working for the government and she doesnt find out until she finds a letter explaining the situation late into the plague

so its just her and a bunch of other kids trying to live together

also florence has an epic haircut 😎

theres also:

Byrd, shes just tired of everything and everyone. She is grumpy but florence makes her happy

u know the post thats like: the grumpy one is soft for the sunshine one,,,,,, thats byrd n florence

theres josh!! Hes like this funky inventor mechanic dude originally from florida. This information is not very important but it also is bc he is bonkers

Theres timothy, who is josh's brother but joah calls him timba because one day he got a bucket stuck on his head and its been there ever since (timba is bucket in tagalog) now everyone calls him timba. Hes goofy and also the young one

Theres antony, or ant who tries his hardest to be the Mysterious guy with a tragic past but hes actually just a dork

Daphne is his sister!! Shes the oldest of the group but shes probably the least mature

Theres Bee! Shes epic lesbiam with cool hello kitty earrings, she is also a funky inventor mechanic and has an endless collection of denim jackets

i almost forgot ben. Haha whoops . Ben is a dumbb hoe hes the little devil on ur shoulder he gets into trouble and he is stinky. Also one of his fingers got bit off by a giant mf rat . Very important

Florence! I havent described whats shes like yet. Shes the optimist sunshine one! She has bugs in her pockets and childrens books from the 1940s in her backpack,, she has a cat whisker collection . Also she gardens and loves byrd. Her and timba are the youngest, and are best friends

She maintains all the plants and greenery in the town area

They all inhabited a giant ghost suburban town and decorated each of the houses to suit their own personalities ! Except timba sometimes he just sleeps at the beach

so basically this whole thing is about the misadventures of kids in a post apocalyptic plague environment in the 70s

Theres like. 2 adults that manage try to manage all these kids (daphne and ant)

Thats all i think (thats actually not all thats just all that i can think of at this very moment)

[movedthechangingman]

(1) I am watching atla for the first time and I know why zuko redemption worked while other’s (kylo, catara) failed, Zuko always has honor and was shown to care and make good decisions and be a good person even at his lowest points, like when he cared about his crew or tried to help and save a little kid even though the family and the kid ended up rejecting him, he never did something outrageous and he had time to learn and sort out his feelings before making a turn around and join the gang

putting this under a cut!

(2) azuko always acted upon what he believed was the right thing, once he was exposed to the outer world he learned how awful the fire nation was and the chain of abuse he was living in, he by himself made the decision and has 2 season in order to redeem himself while characters like Cassandra (tangled) and Catra had seasons of upping the stakes and acting more and more awful each time and only one season where the narrative are like “they were under someone else control and they were abused” (3) “so they nice blonde best friend who acts more like their sister and who they were abusing and victim blaming has to forgive them for everything bad they did because they were uwu abused too” and it seems many people like that which fine, if this was characterized as a delicate situation, where it could turns bad, which could turn to be even toxic, I wouldn’t have a problem with, but it is framed as beautiful and as good and as “true love!” (4) without the main aggressors Catra and Cassandra putting as much in their relationship as their blonde counterpart Adora and Raps who are forced to act as a matyr till they get fed up with their friends abuse and toxicity and put their foot down yet they always end up forgiving their abuser’s transgressions by the end somehow, it seems like the classic tale of “if he pulls your hair or means he likes you” which it’s most similar to (5) To the honeymoon or the reconciliation stage of an abusive relationship cycle’s, nothing assures you that the abuse won’t continue on but they sell it out as this wonderful and beautiful love story which it’s plain wrong, and I feel that it doesn’t receives as muy flack because it’s F/F but in reality in a relationship one has to be consistently good and reliable and as a bisexual women I feel like they are doing a disservice and it’s worse because it’s directed towards kids (5) and lastly both Wlw parings were being either outright mentioned or hinted at by the show or crew as this characters having a “sister bound” with Cassandra and Rapunzel Being outright being described as sisters in the show and Catara and Adora being described as that by the crew and with them growing having the same motherly figure and having a clear case of golden and scapegoat child, which coupled with the abuse they suffered at hands of their paternal figure and at each other hands makes the situation very gross

i have never seen ATLA outside of the first 3 eps but that is the general consensus ive heard. i have also never seen rapunzel TAS but i watched/read a bunch of spoiler stuff for it but i think my understanding is still loose. i also heard that he wasnt a villain very long idk how true that is though. but youre right from what im reading! i think it is important for your character to have an appropriate amount of time to make up for their actions... its also important with these redemption stories for the character to address the things they did, like not a “sorry for the things or whatever” but “i am sorry i did x , x, and x” etc IMO and there needs to be work put into making things right. and the victim should not necessarily be the one pushing them through that...

like i can say for certain if c*tra was a dude there would be a HUGE discourse about the fact that yeah, she really is that “mean because they have a crush on you” BS and whats most horrifying is that it seems like noelle saw NO problem with how she portrayed that relationship and all the guilt and suffering adra went through bc of ctra was really supposed to be romantic. fcking insane. like if it was just a fandom ship w.e.... ppl always gonna ship characters if they hate eachohter... but the actual creators saying its romantic is SO WTF abuse isnt negated by it being el gee bee tee rep and whats awful is i think people REALLY believe it is. not to mention uh your WLW love interest being an physically + emotionally volatile fascist who canonically does not care that she goes out to her way to aid violent takeover of innocents for a dictatorship is already like. huh.

(i mentioned also like even seagawk and mermista - her constant “uuuugh youre so annoying” about him is supposed to be cute apparently.... like noelle posted a pic of her in a shirt that says “im with stupid” pointing at seahawk and... like... that would be funny if they had healthy communication and she didnt seriously treat him like he was an idiot 24/7... but if this was reversed it would be a huge problem and everyone would flip out.)

i never thought catra and adora were written very sisterly since its undeniable that there was a clear attraction between them in the early part of the show but holy fck if the crew did say that.... ugh... although i agree it is really skeevy that their plot revolves around an abusive mother which i feel inforces the “adoptive siblings arent real siblings” pseudo incest trope as much as i think the interactions between catra and adora were not sisterly in how they were written. if that makes sense

i hate to bring up SU but i think it covers this topic really well w spinel - whos so toxic she literally poisoned people - while steven does set her on her path, he does not make himself responsible for her redemption. we get a snippet of that later ofc - where we see that she is trying to become better while also helping the other abusive characters through their change (which we also see is still ongoing - those behaviors havent been fully unlearned - nothing can be fixed that quickly). and most notably the victim (steven) while tolerating them through their attempts at change and encouraging them, does not forgive them and makes an open effort to distance himself even while his abusers still want him to help them 24/7.

whats bothering me the most is not that ppl enjoy these ships bc no matter what people will and you cant stop them but rather that ppl refuse to admit that something they like is abusive - either bc they want to save face as a unproblematic fandom blogger or bc they are 100% unwilling to take critique on something they like, to the point where now ppl wont accept any criticism on she ra at all as a show even if it has nothing to do w the awful excuse for romance.

[tfw-no-tennis]

hunter x hunter thotz so far

soooo ruth and i started watching hunter x hunter woohoo finally! we’re like 10 or so eps in so i decided to collect some thots below on what i think so far (i havent rlly been spoiled so im interested to look back on this once ive watched more)

first off i love gon sm, hes immediately so endearing...hes just a baby!!!! just a little baby boy!!!! hes just so cute and good, im so not ready for him to get put thru the wringer later on as ive vaguely heard happens

the first few episodes were really fast paced which i enjoyed and thought was for the best. the characters came thru really strongly and i feel like we heard juuuust enough about the setting, premise, and what a hunter is 

i wasnt expecting leorio and kurapika to show up in the FIRST EP lmao that surprised me. i love so much how the three of them like IMMEDIATELY became a family unit in like 3 eps lmaoooo it was like ok here are 2 parents and their son bam. also leorio and kurapika having a showdown on the boat (which didnt end up happening) was a wild ride 

i have like zero fucking idea what a hunter is and the more they attempt to explain the more confused i get. its honestly kind of hilarious how little sense it makes. to be clear this doesnt detract from my enjoyment of the show at all (if anything it adds to it)

oh my god fuckgin hisoka is the worst he hasnt done much but i hate him so much already. good villain writing/design so far, hes so hateable

ruth every time hisoka shows up: WE HATE UR PUSSY BIIIITCH 

the character design in this show is....a lot lmao. ruth and i decided its a cross between soul eater, jojo, and one piece in terms of aesthetic. the designs are certainly unique and so many of them are just so ugly hvbjafdbdskgs it reminds me of that post thats like ‘masterpost of jojo characters who look busted as shit’ lmao

i already love this show a lot tbh like the way its structured so far has been kinda atypical for a shounen, at least in terms of fights - we really havent seen a lot of fighting yet. also nen hasnt shown up yet and its reminding me of stands not becoming a thing in jojo until p3 lmao 

anyways in litrally ep1 i already loved the 3 main characters we saw...leorio is a wild dude, i love him sm, especially as a fellow medical binch who wants MONEY. like, thats literally me. and kurapika is also wild, like damn they rlly just dropped their backstory in ep 1 huh. like we rlly are jumping right into this 

also when leorio said he was a teenager i was like WHAT???? just like evryone else which YEA omfg. i cant believe hes that young lmao. kurapika too

so leorio is one of those 19 yr olds who looks 40 and kurapika is the type of teen who looks like a 12 yr old

and KILLUA i love him sm also....hes an adorable assassin catboy and hes perfect. i love how quickly he and gon hit it off (tiny bfs.....) and how hes just like, this extra as hell 12 yr old with a SKATEBOARD and ASSASSIN SKILLS and then he sees gon and is like guess im gonna fall in love 

i gotta talk abt gon again i just love him. hes so polite and cute and kind and good, i just love him...wht a good protag. his motivation is just wild too, hes like well my dad abandoned me to go off and be a hunter (which he isnt even mad abt, what a nice lad) so im gonna do that to see what the deal is

i love how gon (just like the audience) doesnt really know what a hunter does/is and just goes into the exam totally blind lmao. also the fact that his skills seem to include jumping good, being speedy, having the energy typical of a 12 yr old, being a weather sniffer, being nice, and having good instincts/constitution as a result of having eaten random grass and forest shit growing up...amazing. 

is this gonna turn out to be one of those things where its like, wow theyve been using nen this whole time without realizing! tht would honestly explain a lot lmao 

i really enjoy how like....semi-normal the power levels are rn? while also being all over the place and wack as fucks obvs (like hisoka dissolving that guys arms in his first appearance was A Lot, as well as all the card stuff hes done..). like the part wher that blue guys (evil franky one piece) punches the ground and it leaves a crater and everyones like !!!! wow wtf thats unnatural! that literally threw me off bc that kinda thing is so normal in anime lmaoooo. but i like that thats the starting point bc it leaves a lot of room for power escalation w/out it getting too out of hand 

specifially our protags are starting out pretty low on the Shounen Badass scale - especially gon (and leorio, tho i kinda predict he wont be as fight-y? what with him being premed)

i find it kinda hilarious how killua hasnt done too much (aside from murdering those 2 randos in like half a second) despite being so clearly skilled...like when they have to do the 5v5 fight thing in the tower, i wouldve thought hed be the first up cause hes so badass but nope

actually thats what i find interesting - i was expecting all 5 (or maybe 4, we’re in the middle of leorio’s ‘fight’) of the fights to be physical smackdowns but so far nope, theyve been very cerebral. that bodes well, w/how smart the fights have been, bc i doubt the fights will get stale tht way 

tho they might be kinda frustrating sometimes - there are times when u DO just wanna see a good ole fashioned shounen beatdown yknow. but we do get enough of that now (and im sure we’ll get plenty more) to satisfy (like kurapika decking fake-franky) 

oh also the opening. its so charming and cute and i love the song...its also so hilariously basic and classic - like one of those typical 2000s anime openings where theres stock run cycles of all the main characters and theres a little animation of all the characters fighting together (and that fight doesnt actually happen, its just for the op) 

also love that leorios the only one who doesnt fight in the OP, instead getting saved from death by gon lmao. im curious if he’ll end up fighting at all (i assume a little?) and if he’ll use nen (probably healing type nen?) 

also i already wanna fistfight ging for abandoning his perfect angel son. also leorio is literally gons dad already, they even look alike wow 

that guy hanzo has done basically 0 things so far but i rlly like him already, im curious if thatll change. also sorry for calling u ‘hanzo overwatch!?!?!?!’ upon first viewing my guy 

tonpa is str8 up so annoying pls leave u pathetic loser 

tho it cracked me up when he and Evil Mr Clean were facing off and starting getting all detailed/shaded and i was like o shit is he actually badass. are we abt to see like a nen battle or st. but no....lmaooo

i found it interesting that leorio didnt really admit to wanting to be a dr at first...hes such a good dude, he kinda just let kurapika think that his motives were superficial and greedy when in actuality theyre selfless

also wanting to be rich can be a rlly interesting character motivation and i love when its done right

oh my god i cant believe it took me this long to mention the hilariously edge ED....like holy shit, its so 2000s, the song sounds like its been re-recorded like 40000 times bc of how bad the audio quality is, or something, idk how to describe music but its hilariously specific in tone and its rlly funny to see shots of the main characters smiling while this screamo whatever plays in the bg....wow. 

also s/o to killua for being king of edgy with that ‘tear of blood’ shot

i rlly like how much of the plot, especially the early hunter exam stuff, is moved along simply by gon being a good kind polite boy. 

love the fact that he and leorio and kurapika (and later killua) all team up without even saying anything...i love that, most shounen would have them be like ‘che, i cant team up with anyone, i have to prove myself ALONE or my victory wont be EARNED’ or w/e idk. who knows that might happen later but rn i love how they all effortlessly work together (and how they all contribute - without each other they would have all failed at different points) 

oh man also killuas first appearence was so funny when he drank a bunch of tonpas poisoned drinks and was like [smirks] tch, loser, im immune to poison. get dunked on. [skateboard away] i love him so fuckgin much 

omfg that part where killua looks all shoujo/kawaii and is talking abt how hes gonna kill his family or w/e and gon is just like ^_^? i love they

HOOOOLY FUCK I ALMOST FORGOT, BUT 65% OF THE REASON I MADE THIS POST WAS TO MENTION HISOKAS THEME LMAOOOOO his music being like fuckgin, spanish guitar/traditional mexican type music is sooooo goddamn funny to me for some reason, like the first time it played i was like ok whats going ON with this spanish guitar lmao but then i figured out that its his theme and god thats so funny 

hisoka is also so fuckign jojo like he could so easily be in jojo. he and dio would be the fakest best friends ever and would constantly try to kill each other on the lowdown and shittalk each other constantly in private but be super sweet to each others faces. also they would hatefuck. no im not taking criticism bye 

i rlly love everyones backstories also, and i find it interesting that weve gotten to hear/see at least some of all 4 of the MCs backstories. theyre all compelling and interesting and i cant wait to dive in further 

also calling it now but kurapika is totally gonna get way too absorbed in revenge and get fucked up/disregard their own life (maybe in the style of robin in one piece?) we’ll see but i feel like it aint gonna end well. i could be wrong, i really havent been spoiled at all, thats just my guess 

hbahjfbshjf the ep that was called ‘hisoka x is x sneaky’ was SO funny that reads like a dora the explorer ep title 

also i had no idea the ep titles were formatted like that w/the x’s and thats rlly funny 

ok but the part where leorio - who seems to be pretty bad at fighting - tries to fight hisoka - whose literal first appearence involved him effortlessly dissolving a dudes arms - is so fucking funny. leorio rlly b a premed w/no brain cells....same bro. 

also i loved the Cutthroat Kitchen portion of the hunter exam and how not a single contestant was any good at it lmaoooo. do they not have the cooking channel in hxh-verse earth 

ok i love how the main characters are all intuitive in different ways depending on their own skills, like how killua can immediately guess that kurapika has never killed anyone before after they didnt kill evil-franky

kurapika joined killua in the Edgy Corner during that part also. like, they both have legit reasons to be edgy, but the shots of kurapika sitting in the darker tunnel part was kinda funny

also killua, a literal 12 yr old, calling out kurapika for being a murder virgin was pretty hilarious 

ok also i didnt know that madhouse animated hxh which is rlly funny but w/e i love the animation especially the occasional chibi parts and the facial expressions (like killuas ‘i love murder’ catboy expressions) 

oh also when killua murdered those 2 guys and his hand was all vein-y and his nails were pointy, his hands looked like hisokas do...i wonder if thats a legit connection or it hisoka just b getting his nails did 

kurapika talking abt how even seeing a regular spider makes them rlly angry was both very sad and kinda funny. kura u have so many issues god bless 

kurapikas smackdown on evil blue franky was fuckin dope tho. and the red eyes reveal was SPOICY 

rlly love how the individual fights highlights the characters strengths/morals/motivations/whatever....the writing is already really strong tbh 

ugh ok ive ranted enough this is a Lot lmao its so disorganized but w/e 

basically i love this series so far and im rlly curious whatll happen next. also everything seems pretty chill and upbeat so far (relatively) and i know this shit gets dark and im NOT FUCKING READY. 

til next timeeee

[perfectlovekillsallfear87]

&&Im back.

I’m not sure how long I’ve actually been gone from Tumblr. I believe the last time I was on here was when I was in my 20s. I’m in my 30s now and finally got a new laptop. 

I have found it very helpful to get my thoughts out. And typing seems to help as well. 

I’m 32 now. My original tumblr blog was deleted by me. Just too many memories that I didn’t want to remember anymore. I have decided to continue with my tumblr name, but added the 87 at the end cause I guess the other name is taken. 

Let’s see....since this is a place for my own thoughts. I’m just going to start typing them out. I don’t expect anyone to read this anyways. I won’t be using any tags. 

Last night was something that I didn’t expect to happen. Especially not this soon. 

A little back story. A year ago Shea and I hooked up. And my impatient and most likely drunken ass told his wife. And I had nothing to lose. I had lost my job. And was in the midst of a “fuck it” phase.  After that happened, Shea didn’t speak to me. No matter how many times I’ve tried to apologize. I guess you can’t really apologize for something like that. Especially when it came from a hurtful place. I wanted his marriage to end and I guess wanted him to be with me. But heres the thing. I’m in a long term relationship. A year ago there was a lot going on in my life that I wasn’t happy with. And I sought Shea out. He would listen to me when I talked. He showed that he cared. Eventually one thing led to another and bam. We’re at his mothers house hooking up for 6 hours....Yeah, 6 hours.  The thing with Shea progressed over time. I worked at the door, checking receipts and what not. And he took notice of me. He would say hi to me all the time. Pretend like he’s checking on the ice machine just to talk to me. Flirt with me.  I remember when I tried getting a higher position at work and I wasn’t chosen for it. It broke me. And I broke down crying. He took me outside and gave me a cigarette and told me to fuck this place. He attempted to make me feel better. At this time I was working in the bakery dept because I didnt want to be a cashier and it was away from everyone. Thats when I met him. I was in the freezer all the time getting our breads and he would watch me and talk to me. thats when I knew he was into me. when they cut my hours, thats when I went to the door. And he would “check on the ice” just to talk to me.  After that I transfered to the early shift in dairy and frozen, because that was his dept. I wanted to be closer to him. That is when everything really moved fast. I got his number and we just would talk. That year in that dept was the most amazing year for me. I was close to him. But the kicker is....hes married. I knew this, but I still wanted him. I know thats wrong. And idk why I just didnt look the other way.  Wow, this is a really long back story. My bad. One day he called me and at first I didnt want to do anything. I was still super shy around him. But that was literally the only chance I had at the time. My bf wasnt home and I could go freely without telling him where I was going.  Well. We did it. I tried to ruin his marriage by telling his wife. He didnt talk to me for a year. Not until I got my job back (did I mention I lost that job and didnt work for a year, until recently got rehired)  I can tell you that he was surprised to see me at work again. I havent asked him about it, but I plan on to next time I get to talk to him.  I tried really hard too leave him alone. But he would look at me a lot. And randomly show up in my area. I knew he was still into me. You just dont show up on the opposite end of the store. ya know? I still had his number saved to my phone. and I would text him. It wasnt until a few nights ago he actually text me back and talked to me. I told him that I missed him. Not expecting him to tell me the same thing.  I was shocked when he said he missed me too.  Last night we video chatted while I was at work. And he just said “Im coming to get you”  I tried to tell him that I still had an hour left of work. But he talked me into clocking out an hour early. He picked me up and he drove out of town. And he told me he wasnt mad at me. He told me that I need to promise him I wont tell anyone. And I wont. I will on the other hand type it out and get it out of my head. I need to get it out. I hate having something built up in me.  So we drive and make out and eventually have sex in his wifes vehicle!!!  I know. Awful. And now here I am on Tumblr trying to justify my actions. Trying to some how convince myself that I didnt do anything wrong. Im in love with the man, so therefore I cant be wrong.  I told him I love him and he told me he loves me. But he also said nothing can come of all of this. Which broke me. I cried in the dark while he held me. I thought for a moment that he would change his mind. that maybe this is why he picked me up. to go over a plan. but no. he basically said this is only a fling. nothing more can come of it. 

So idk what Im going to do. Idk what to feel. I just dont know. Idk who to talk to about this. I dont have a bestfriend I can confide in. Ive cut so many people out of my life due to trust issues.  idk. i have so much going on right now, its stressful.  my bf is literally dying in front of me. liver failure. hes in the hospital as I type this out. yeah, im a bitch for going off and cheating on him. ive stuck by his side since this all started 8 months ago. i dont wanna get into this now. i’ll save it for another lonely night. 

I was watching awkward on hulu. i was jenna back in my 20s. always blogging my life. it helped me. but then people found my blog that live in the same town as me and it didnt end very well. so i deleted everything. 

i didnt mention my name. but i did mention shea’s name. shea could be anyone, living anywhere in the world. so i highly doubt anyone will figure out where we are. or who i am.  i dont really plan on following other accounts. or reblogging other things. i just needed a place to get my thoughts out. its been a while since ive been on a laptop and it feels really good to be able to type things out. 

well. i guess thats if for my first post. 

laters.

[elijahfitz]

and introduction.

meet elijah.

hey guys! im lina! im 18 and im in the cst timezone. im currently a freshman in college and ive also been rping for like 6 years now ( i started on the neopets chat boards. if thats not an embarrassing fun fact idk what is ) but i havent rped since this summer since school was and still is kicking my ass. im really into musical theater, marvel & dc, and disney! i also used to be a lifeguard at a great wolf lodge for 2 years so if u want any funny stories about stupid children, or even just wanna be friends, lmk! im also SUPER sorry this intro is so late. i was gonna do it yesterday but then my friends wanted to hang and it kinda went downhill from there. im actually posting this like 20 min before i have a lab practical so i wont be able to reply until late tonight, but like this post to plot or anything!

some fun facts abt elijah:

he was adopted when he was around 3-4? he was abandoned and left on the back of a merchant cart headed to corona, where he was then discovered and then put into the local orphanage since no one was sure where he came from or who left him. all he had was a stuffed bear (named wooly), a basket of water and fruits to eat, and a letter that explained that:

his name was elijah

he was 2 (born on february 28th)

his parents couldnt care for him, so they hoped he would be found by a kind soul who could either take care of and love him, or else get him to someone who could

they loved him and only left him in the hopes that he would have a better life

he lived in the orphanage for almost 2 years and the few months before the 2nd anniversary of his arrival, rapunzel & eugene visited the orphanage that eugene grew up in and fell in love w/ eli, promptly adopting him soon after. he barely remembers anything about his abandonment and time in the orphanage, but always wanted to find his birth parents and let them know how he turned out. he kept the bear and basket in his room but carries the letter around with him in his wallet wherever he goes.

his full name is elijah frederic fitzherbert. he was given the middle name frederic in honor of his grandfather.

but, he much rather prefers eli. doesnt mind formalities but insists on people who know him to call him by his nickname. except he HATES being called “highness” bc he thinks it sounds stupid. he wont get upset per se if u keep referring to him as “your highness” but he will get annoyed

he very much wants to fulfill his role as “corona’s golden boy” by contributing back to his people. he worries for the kingdom more than he worries for himself and is always trying to prove that he is worthy of being a prince rather than just some random kid who got lucky enough to get adopted. most of his days are spent doing modest favors and helping out the townspeople or visiting the villages surrounding the kingdom.

when he’s in the castle you can almost always find him in the kitchen! boi loves to bake and cook. he loves the way food can bring joy to everyone. he often makes goods to give to the townspeople or the kids at the orphanage, where he volunteers at least every 2 weeks when hes not busy w prince stuff.

has an acute fear of disappointment. he feels so much pressure to prove his worth that came from growing up thinking if he did anything wrong he’d be sent back to orphanage, esp since his parents had another child. they wouldn’t want or need him anymore. he mostly got over this when he broke a vase when he was 12 and tried to run away from home, except he fell out the tree that he used to climb out his window and broke his leg lmao. his parents assured him that no matter what he did they would still love him and never abandon him, and his dad also taught him how to climb trees and roofs without dying (much to his mom’s chagrin). even tho hes pretty much over it, it kinda lingers subconsciously. thus, he overcompensates in everything he does and gets overly anxious about small problems

growing up he thought the stories that his dad told him about his past were so cool, despite the fact that he would almost always only hear those stories when he was being taught lessons of what he shouldnt do. he used to run around pretending to be flynn rider and his dad played along, planning play heists for them to do together (think scott & cassie in that one scene from ant man and the wasp) but they stopped when eli hit that age where he thought it was embarrassing to play w his dad. but, it really helped him bond w eugene and help him work on his coordination bc eli is CLUMSY AF

eli legit trips over nothing at least twice a day.

he bonded w his mom through art tho, which eventually turned into aesthetic desserts and meals! thats another reason why he loves baking and cooking so much.

when his 1st sibling was born when he was 5 at first he was jealous. he didnt get much attention at the orphanage due to the fact that there were so many kids and he was just starting to get used to the idea of having parents didnt have tons of kids always trying to win their affection and attention. he thought having a little sibling was the worst thing in the world and would hide from his parents bc if they couldnt find him they couldnt send him away. he hated his sibling.

until he met them. the second he saw their chubby face he was hooked. he swore that he would do anything and everything for them. and that continued when his parents adopted his other siblings as well. he absolutely adores them and acts like the protective older bro role

thankfully, with such a large age gap eli never rlly had to go through any of those petty squabbles that siblings usually have. he was always pretty protective of them tho and would fight when he thought they were being reckless and dumb out of his own fear that if they got hurt he would be an awful big brother (again, fear of disappointment)

he loves to travel bc his mom would always take him to these extravagant kingdoms and on these amazing sightseeing trips

this boy is hopeless when it comes to love. i can imagine lots of ppl liking him on top of all the ppl throwing themselves at him bc royal, but him being completely oblivious and thinking that no one likes him.

he had rlly bad ADD as a kid but its gotten better as hes grown. he still occasionally struggles w executive functioning tho and always gets rlly frustrated when he cant focus or remember

like i said earlier, clumsy af. no coordination. the only athletic ability he ever had was horse riding and running

that said he has a horse named may (short for mayonnaise. dont ask

he likes music a lot. prob learned piano at a young age

he probably is at the party bc royals? idk

EDIT: although (currently) unknown to eli, his true birth mother is maleficent. when eli was 2, his birth father took him away from her and had her suppress eli’s natural born powers. his father realized he was unfit to care for him, so he was the one who abandoned eli.

wanted connections!!

obv his parents and siblings? i mean cmon

one ( or both???? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ) of his birth parents!!!!! they dont have to know that eli is their son or mayb they do and are too scared to tell him, but being trapped together will eventually make it revealed

childhood friends! people he met when he traveled w his mom or met at royal social functions? i rlly also want friends that he would hang w at all the royal galas and stuff and they would go do dumb stuff like look sneak out and look for secret passages of make bets of who could dump more crab cakes into the stuffy duchess’ purse when she wasnt looking

people who know him solely through his family

someone who likes eli and eli legit has no clue, no matter how much they flirt and drop hints

people who hate eli! or even just dislike him, which makes him upset bc he doesnt like the idea that there are ppl who dont like him in the world. mayb bc sometimes he gets super highstrung when things arent going how they should b and he like lashed out at them once or something. maybe they hate his parents and on principle hate him. idk

someone who was w eli in the orphanage

past relationships? i feel like hes never rlly had a bad breakup tho, its just that they prob just didnt work out. hes also bi so they can b any gender. hes still looking for his otp

idk, legit anything. send me those plots man

[somnilogical]

they will never be as strong or as fast as i can be

copy/pasted from a convo:

<<somni: ive been exploiting being able to talk about everything vs miri/cfar cant do what i do bc if they did they would talk about how they are evil. it would all chain back.

somni: omg i can just post this to my blog because i can talk about my meta-strategy and it confers pretty much no relative advantage to miri/cfar. because 1 most of them have disassembled their agency so its like talking in front someone who works at the dmv about taking over the world and the ones that have any agency (basically just anna salamon) have to work with and coordinate via brokenness the masses that have and 2 feels secure in the way that saying ill use my soul as my weapon feels secure, like the power of this technique doesnt depend much on people not knowing im using it.>>

truth is entangled and lies contagious. justice is entangled and injustice contagious. in order to sustain their facade, miri/cfar had to chain back to lie about the principles of decision theory itself. lie about the organization structure of cfar, lie about miri's fundraiser. and so much more.

any series of reasoned claims they make will chain back to stuff thats false or injustice, because they seek to maintain a region of untruth and injustice.

so yeah, miri/cfar basically cant talk in public except in staid formalities infinitely pouring the same entropy of "these people are psychotic" "these people are infohazards" "do not read what they write" "stay the course" "everything is under control, do not panic" "i know my associates at miri/cfar, they are good people" "if you talk with these people you may become a rapist". but not actually able to manifest dynamic compute. to explain themselves they built their own personal room 101, filled with miri/cfar affiliates and formed a united front of gaslighting. deluks (author of that one rationalist blog where they worked to read and summarize all the others) talks about the kind of compute miri/cfar manifested:

<<deluks: I also updated a lot based on Bay Area safety discussion

idk if I have ever been in such a hostile environment for anyone trying to discuss making thigns safer

If you wanted to discuss how Anna et all were innocent people would happily chat with you

If you tried to discuss ideas for making things safer either you got silence

or people would be insanely hostle if you plausibly slipped up at all

or even seemed like you might have been not careful enough in how you phrased things

extremely careful -> no engagement at all//even slightly less care -> get dogpilled>>

they have picked up the optimization style of of cops, as alice maz described them:

<<the role of the cop is to defend society against the members of society. police officers are trivially cops. firefighters and paramedics, despite similar aesthetic trappings, are emphatically not. bureaucrats and prosecutors are cops, as are the worst judges, though the best are not. schoolteachers and therapists are almost always cops; this is a great crime, as they present themselves to the young and the vulnerable as their friends, only to turn on them should they violate one of their profession's many taboos. soldiers and parents need not be cops, but the former may be used as such, and the latter seem frighteningly eager to enlist. the cop is the enemy of passion and the enemy of freedom, never forget this>>

i can travel lots of places and regenerate truth and justice.

i can go to a trans support group in the bay and show them logs of what elle said and did and they can recognize the pattern of minority oppression, transmisogyny.

i can talk with uninvolved decision-theorists about why paying out to oneshot blackmail with subjunctive dependence because "In game theory, paying out to blackmail is bad, because it creates an incentive for more future blackmail." is wrong. and why exploiting your subjunctive dependence as a udt agent to not pay out is right. they cant.

--

miri/cfar have to centrally coordinate on lies or they start crashing into each other. independently generating falsehoods in isolation makes them point in all directions.

independently generating and working off of truths allows everything to point in the same direction without needing to communicate. i can write this post and then idk maybe someone im algorithmically colluding with on this writes another post and they dont come out all distorted and skew with each other. this caches out in what looks from the outside as an uncanny ability to start dynamically colluding with people and output distinct strains of philosophy based on shared precepts.

interference with yourself looks like kelsey piper trying to claim that emma and somni are starting some sort of rape cult and anna and miri/cfar trying to claim we are naive victims of ziz's cult and ▘▕▜▋ claiming emma and somni are mindhacking ziz to make her bully them and jade nameless claiming im doing this to get a job at cfar and ...

since they make up their fake coordination points independently they smash into each other. if they want to coordinate over lots of people they then have to work out which of these they want to coordinate around in a sort of market of falsehoods. and have to arrange for it to not contradict any information anything people know. but they dont know all the information everyone knows, and they wont know it even after combing through lots of blogs and reading lots of discord chats.

when they try coordinating on falsehoods like this, its hard to get a coalition together in an environment where what people know is rapidly changing because a bunch of anarchist bloggers keep posting things in a bunch of places on a non-centrally controlled schedule determined by what seems like a good idea at the time to independent agents. and having lots of conversations with so many different people in private and public they cant keep track of them all.

if they try pretending to be dumb and forming a unified gaslighting front in one area. then people will exploit the fact that this is the internet and not the evolutionary environment, take logs and post them somewhere else where everyone didnt collude to be dumb in this particular way. so while their monkey brains get a rush of endorphins from being able to successfully coordinate local humans, what feels like an entire tribe, against the blasphemer, actually they just used their adult intelligence to defeat in front of a bunch of people who dont share their political commitments but who can reason about what is true and what is just.

(of course there are many truths this doesnt work on because of large inferential distance, shared mammalian biases it takes an unusual mind to step over, and shared incentives. but the defense of most regions of injustice and untruth when you ask questions have to keep chaining to more and more absurd things until you are defending causal decision theory or start claiming 'anna salamon, the president of cfar, is not involved in cfar's hiring'. which depend on a social context committed to defending everything that protects miri/cfar and people who dont have the same conclusion-that-must-not-happen can see that its dumb.)

if miri/cfar had committed themselves to the path of expanding agency, maybe i wouldnt be posting my thoughts and meta-process on the public internet. (in the counterfactual where they committed to this path, its likely that i wouldnt be protesting. because it seems actually-hard to stay on the path and remain evil.) but as it stands, i expect this information to differentially help anarchists and do about as much good for statists as explaining updateless decision theory to someone at cfar. its just this inert structure in their brains, they cant do anything strategic with it. they intentionally shut down their ability to take ideas seriously and drive out anyone left who can, calling them crazy.

what they can do is "oh here is a list of people to target" and "see if they said anything incriminating". ive seen their attempts to coordinate enter the attractors of 'authoritarianism' (duncans dragon army, kingsleys "repent and submit to [AUTHORITY FIGURE]") and 'lets all lie in the same direction and disable general cognition to update out of this! the important part is social agreement and that everyone allows social reality to have the final veto on their beliefs. i myself do this so you know im super safe and this is super fair.' (anna and kelsey). this sort of weak coordination based on breaking people can be easily subverted by anything real.

--

if you are actually right, you can exploit useful properties of being right and let that be your asymmetric weapon. such that all that challenge you know they will know its steel. and then people who compute the outcome and expect to lose, dont fight in the first place.

if my chosen weapon were actually the size of my muscles and imposing figure compared to anna salamon as miri/cfar people "believed" (exploiting the already extant anti-transfem psychic suppression field as one of their few functioning coordination points. probably not as functional now after what i have written.), then when i fought people it would create a warp field such that then people with smaller muscles wont fight in the first place, but id be deluged by people with larger muscles. i dont want to create a warp field that summons people with lots of muscles.

if i exploit properties of my souls, of truth and justice. then i have an arsenal of techniques that are stronger if i actually want to save everyone, if im actually right, if im acting for justice. because they exploit useful differential properties of each. and the warp field in higher density summons ... people who care about saving the world, truth, and justice. in other words, a high density of potential allies.

by default i want to exploit "the difference is that im right" not "the difference is that i have larger muscles". i want differential power to push away those who are wrong and unjust and attract those who are right and just into a kind of warp hull.

there are other reasons as well.