#ive taken all the meds i can take pretty much

[avatar-aaang]

okay so I had a fever Thursday night/Friday morning and then I've been congested ever since and my pupils are HUGE rn like hello. All I wanted was to be up to date on my vaccines and instead I had to miss a meeting and a craft fair. And I think im about to miss at least one day of work too. This is some bullshit

[bruisedboys]

STAR TRIPPING, blurbs ─── send in a character + a prompt from the lists above and I’ll write you a blurb!

could do you do a fluff blurb with miguel o'hara for~

❛ was that your first kiss? ❜

❛ do you think i’m a good person? ❜

❛ what if i hurt you? ❜

ive never really requested anything and i don't if that's too many prompts, so very sorry, ignore this if it's too much !! <3

hi angel!! thank you so much for the ask. I just used one of these prompts, I hope you don’t mind! 🤍

SPOILERS FOR SPIDERMAN: ATSV BELOW THE CUT!

miguel o’hara x spider-person!reader, no pronouns used, fluff and a tiny bit of angst!

prompt — ❛ do you think i’m a good person? ❜

Miguel isn’t used to feeling judged. He doesn’t care what other people think, especially when most people who don’t like him are much younger and much more inexperienced, in his opinion (Read: Hobie Brown).

But with you around it’s different. He feels like he needs to be better. Kinder, maybe. He’s not exactly sure why. Or rather, he knows exactly why but doesn’t want to admit it.

You’re kind, you’re really kind, probably the sweetest most selfless spider-person he’s ever had to deal with. And he’s dealt with a lot. Miguel likes how kind you are. At first it sort of stopped him in his tracks, threw him for a loop. Now that he’s known you for a while he’s found himself acting differently, being more forgiving of mistakes, letting things go that he usually wouldn’t. He’d never admit it out loud, but he knows it’s because he likes you. And, more importantly, he wants you to like him.

Still, he messes up sometimes. A mission to catch a Vulture variant turns messy when the Spider-Woman from the dimension he’d landed in gets stuck in a problem she can’t get out of. Gwen Stacy — she’s young, and she’s on her own, and she’s lost. Miguel is hesitant to let her on. He’s more rude to her than he should be. Snarky, mean. But in the end he lets her come, because what kind of person would he be if he left her there alone?

When he gets back he doesn’t mean to seek you out but finds you anyway. You’re in his office, of all places. He stands in the doorway feeling awful, feeling like you’d hate him for how he treated Gwen today. After a while he clears his throat though he doesn’t have to, you probably already know he’s there, what with your spider-senses and all.

You turn from your seat and smile at him. “You’re back. How did it go?”

Miguel doesn’t smile though he’d like to if he could. You’re the only one who can ever get a smile out of him. “Good. Everything’s taken care of.”

“Heard you picked up a new recruit,” you say with a little lilt to your voice. You’re always excited for new recruits. Quite the opposite of Miguel, really.

Miguel nods. The topic of Gwen makes him feel nauseous. Why did he have to be such a jerk to her? “We did. Gwen Stacy, she’s in the med bay right now.”

Your brow furrows. “Is she okay?”

“She’s fine. Just a little scratched up.”

You nod. “Well, you probably want your office back,” you say softly, gesturing to the desk you’ve been occupying in place of him. “I’ll go.”

You get up and walk past him and Miguel almost lets you go but doesn’t. He calls your name before you make it out the door.

“Y/N?”

His voice comes out more strained than he’d meant it to sound. You don’t say anything but when he turns you’re looking at him with a worry to your pretty features. Miguel figures he must look quite troubled because you actually take a step forwards and put your hand on his forearm, so gentle it’s barely there, but it’s there, and it’s feels like dead weight to Miguel.

“Yeah?”

Miguel bites the bullet and asks the question he’s been asking himself for a long time. “Do you think I’m a good person?”

You blink at him. You’re silent for a beat. Then, “What’s making you ask that?”

Your hand drifts up his forearm and comes to rest at his elbow, your grip tightening ever so slightly. Miguel’s eyelids flutter lazily at your touch.

“I’m short with people,” is all he can manage to say in way of an explanation.

“You’ve got a stressful job,” you say reasonably. “It’s only human.”

“I was short with Gwen,” Miguel explains, finding the longer you touch him, the more he unravels. He stares at a point over your shoulder, “She didn’t deserve it.”

“Oh,” is all you say.

Miguel thinks his heart might drop out of his chest. Maybe it will and then he’ll keel over and die and never have to worry about what you think of him again. Unlikely. He’s never been that lucky.

He doesn’t realise how heavy the silence feels until you break it.

“Miguel? Can you look at me?”

Miguel looks at you. You’re pretty as ever. He’s always thought you were pretty, but now it feels suffocating. Like, if he doesn’t tell you soon, he’ll die.

“You’re not a bad person,” you say. “You’re good. You are. Everyone gets a little impatient sometimes.”

“You don’t,” Miguel says, because you don’t. He doesn’t think he’s ever heard you get angry or upset with someone.

“That is so not true,” you say, shaking your head. “Ask Peter B, the other day I blew up at him for leaving Mayday’s toys all over the place.”

Miguel fights a smile. He can’t imagine you ever ‘blowing up’. “This is different, Y/N. You know what I mean.”

“I do know what you mean,” you say, your hand squeezing ever so slightly at his elbow. “And yeah, you have a short temper sometimes but that doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. What you’re doing here is good. You’re a good person, Miguel.”

You smile then, like you mean it, and Miguel knows you do. If he’d heard it from anyone else, he wouldn’t have believed them. But from you it feels real. He knows you wouldn’t lie to him, even if it was to make him feel better. You might be kind but you’re not dishonest. Yet another reason why Miguel likes you so much.

“Thank you,” he says. “You’re—“ He stops himself before he can say anything too serious, changes tactics though what he comes up with instead is still very much true. “I value your opinion more than you’d think. It’s important to me.” You’re important to me.

Miguel shifts his arm so he can take your hand in his. It’s bold. It’s unlike him. But it feels nice and your hand is soft in his and he hopes it will say what he can’t. He only holds your hand for a second before dropping it but it feels like an eternity.

“That’s okay,” you say sweetly. “Your opinion is important to me, too.”

Then, and Miguel is familiar with this by now, you get this look on your face like you’re going to make a joke, one that’s bad but will probably make him smile anyway. “If you still feel bad, you can always go and apologise to her,” you say, a cheek to your tone that Miguel adores more than he’d ever admit.

Miguel groans. You both know he’d never stoop that low. He smiles for the first time in what feels like forever.

“Would you do it for me?” He asks in a strained sort of voice, half joking and half serious.

You burst into giggles. Miguel feels his heart soar.

[preciadosbass]

23/8/24 [draft from friday — key + significant photos at end]

yay i can finally post this!! woke up at 6:30 and said goodmorning to boris. he was inside again, i think because of how cold it is out. i then got dressed as soon as i could so i was completely ready before the time we had to leave to go away. i put on a light gray low cut shirt, but then started freezing alive so i changed into my sleeping with sirens shirt as it was the only shirt out that i hadn’t already packed. i paired it with black ripped skinny jeans, gray + black striped arm warmers, knee high converse, danger days my chemical romance zip up, my kellin quinn necklace, a surfboard shaped wood carved necklace — and no cuffs/bracelets as this outfit is just to be worn for the car ride to the campus and then ill get changed for swimming.

after getting ready, i had a snack and painted my left hand’s nails with black nail polish. i surprisingly did them pretty neatly to how i usually do it and considering how small my nails are. within a few minutes of them being dried, half of my second smallest nail’s polish came off halfway lmao - i was going to put some more on to cover it up, but i was in a rush and i needed to do my teeth, i finished at 7. i then checked on boris again and replaced the pins on my bag. ive needed to ever since i took a ton off to put onto my jacket. all that’s left now is: incubus pin, spider-man pin, the last of us pin, t-rex pin, saliva pin, kittie pin, shark pin, beetle pin, brendon urie pin, chi cheng pin, soulfly pin, collide with the sky [pierce the veil] pin, and a silent hill pin. which sounds like a lot, but because of the way they’re set out, it dosent look like many. at least not compared to what i’m used to.

once i was done [7:18], i packed my bag. i packed: my camera, skeleton gloves, collage scraps, my collage journal, camera charger, headphone charger, extra bracelets, my spiral earrings, battery packs, my hairbrush, my wallet, hand sanitizer, meds, and my phone charger. after doing that and a few other odd bits around the house [turning off switches, making sure i’ve packed everything, etc] i went to see boris properly at 7:40. i told him about everything that’s going to be going on [who’s taking care of him, that she’s not comfortable letting him out, when we’re getting back, things like that] and said goodbye to him. i finished officially at 8:20. i’m gunna miss him so much while we’re away, but i’m excited to see him again afterwards and tell him everything.

everyone [me, my sister, my parents] got in the car at around the same. unrelated, but i also forgot to mention in yesterdays journal, archie was taken over to my sister’s friends house to be looked after. we set off at 2:30 and i looked through soul punk patrick stump videos along with a few pretty odd era panic! tiktoks. also watched my chemical romance’s song 2 [blur] cover, i don’t know why i haven’t seen this before i’m obsessed. i started journaling at 9:16 and wrote all of the paragraphs above. than at 9:30 i took a break and started listening to some music. [just surrender, fall out boy, gerard way + ray toro, frank iero, falling in reverse, blur, my chemical romance, death of a bachelor panic! at the disco, a static lullaby.]

i had a nap somewhere near 11:30 [on my seal plush] and woke up at around 12:40. i continued listening to music [CKY, HIM, frank iero, darling you should be ashamed, linkin park, lovehatehero, before today, a bullet for a pretty boy [[so underrated]], and sleeping with sirens.] i did so until 1:44 when we arrived at the resort. my dad pulled the car into the drive through place where you get your keycard/folder of leaflets and after driving round to our car park, we started unpacking into the room. on our holiday guide, it said that we could only get in our room at 3, so we were lucky to get in early. as soon as i found me & my sisters room and claimed my bed, and hung up my necklaces on the windows’ handle. along with taking a few things out of my bag + putting cuffs/band bracelets on. we did plan on going to swimming as soon as my extended family arrived, but that ended up not working out as they had to leave late.

i then took out my collage journal and started cutting up the leaflets from the folder into separate letters [etc] to make a collage tomorrow. well i say tomorrow, when i started cutting everything up, i intended for me to put everything together today. [photo at end] but i only got round to collecting the bits of paper i need. i used my stamps to print stars onto a yellow sticky note and took a couple pictures of the leaflets incase we needed anything off them after id cut them up [e.g wifi support]. me, my parents and my sister left for a show and arrived at the venue at 3:12. on the way to the venue, we met up with D [one of my cousins, his girlfriend — L, and her son, W.] we got the time wrong so we thought were really short on time, but it started 20 minutes after we found a table.

first up was a beatboxer, except he made more sound affects than sounds to make into some kind of song. he was also really funny with the way he made and timed the sound affects. it’s impossible for me to explain with unless you were there and saw him, but he was really good. next was four breakdancers, ive never really had much interest in breakdancing, but it was quite cool to watch them. one had come all the way down from japan or something.

after was one of those big hoop acts. there’s not much to say as there’s not much to explain — following on from that, a bmX rider came out and started doing all kinds of crazy tricks. i somewhat remember seeing the show itself around a year ago, but this bmX guy was different than last year. its tricky to explain a bmX show generally, but its even trickier for people to read id they don’t know what it is. so i recommend looking up bmX tricks. once he’d done his thing, a basketballer came onto stage. he was manipulating the ball and circling it around him shoulders etc. behind him was a fake button with “do not push” plastered above it. obviously, it’s a show, he ‘pressed’ the button and everytime another ball would roll out from backstage.

in the end, he was working with 5 different basketballs. it was super impressive. before the show finished, everyone came out and did all their tricks side by side. during the entire show, the beatboxer was singing and making even more sound affects. he actually had a pretty decent voice. at 4:30, after we’d all packed up our stuff and gotten ready to leave and do something else, me, my parents and my sister headed back to our room. D, L and W went off to their rooms aswell. upon getting into our chalet, i went to have a nap but ended up putting on my skates. my sister stuck on hers and we circuited a section of the resort, looking for D’s room. it didn’t take us long before we found it. but during skating around and checking door numbers, i stupidly sped round a corner on the second level of chalets and nearly fell headfirst down a huge staircase.

i assumed that it’d turn and go round the other side, so i could look at the numbers on the other rooms, as a few other of the second story ‘balconys’ or whatever you wanna call them - don’t have stairs and just follow on around the other side. but i was wrong. i slightly toppled down the first two stairs and then grabbed onto my sister’s back. luckily i didn’t make her fall over lmao // at 5:30, all of us [all of my family] went round to our restaurant for dinner. it was a little cheeky of us to even eat together as everyone in the family apart from my parents & sister have reservations for another restaurant.

after dinner, i went back to the room and stayed there for 30 minutes alone before me, my sister and my parents made our way to yet another show. we arrived at the venue and i sat near the front on the floor with my sister. my mum sat on some stairs and my dad stayed standing. it was a magic show, which is quite a complicated thing to explain, especially because i actually didn’t understand how any of the tricks were done, but i enjoyed it. also while the backstage staff were sorting out some more props the start of my generation by limp bizkit played!!

the show finished at 8, and me and my immediate family went round to the rest of the family’s chalets to check them out. i went into the more cousin based one first, the people staying in it were: RY and H, and R and E. i sat on R’s bed and just people watched [mostly] until H offered to paint my right hand’s nails dark purple as id forgotten to paint that hand in black when i was at home. then i went to see the rest of my family’s room. the family members in this chalet are my aunt and uncle, and L/W. when i came in my uncle had a jumper over the radiator and it smelt so bad and was clearly just about to light on fire. i went back into the cousin’s room/s and went to see E and see what she was doing.

she was applying gems to her eyelids with some kind of makeup glue. she asked if i wanted some and i agreed so she sat me down and gently glued the gems onto my face. [photo at end] when she was done and if verified i was happy with it, i went back to my room to quickly get something — i’m not sure what it was as im writing this on the 27th. when i got back at 9:10, we had to leave for another show. we walked across the resort and arrived at the venue to get ourselves some seats. me and E tried taking pictures of our gemmed-up eyelids together but wasn’t able to because of bad lighting. the show was advertised as a ‘rock’ festival, however the music that played was things like lizzo and ed sheeran.

i was kind of disappointed because i thought it’d be punk rock or something else i would be able to sing along to, but it was funny that we were catfished so bad. me and R just sat there making faces for eachother, indicating that ‘this isn’t rock, wtf is this’ - the performance ended at 10:20 and we went straight to another venue to join in with a ‘music dance party.’ as you can imagine, the music was dance music, but i like dance music. i somewhat danced with my grandad, E and R. R spun me around and my sister stayed swaying across the dance floor with my dad. [photo at end]

i haven’t really ever seen my dad dance before, but his favourite ‘party’ track came on and he went mad. he was doing all sorts of weird dance moves but it was cracking me up. if only whoever is reading this saw it in the moment. we parted with the rest of the family and went back to the chalet at approximately 11:30. i started to do a bit of my journal, made a picture collage of the day, and had a little nap. after my nap, i asked my parents questions about boris, said goodnight to boris via a picture of him [the picture in question is at the end] and went to sleep at 1:45.

🗝️ — boris/my cat, archie/my immediate family’s dog, questions about boris/i ask my parents questions about my cat to verify he's okay + will be okay in the morning. its a compulsive thing and i'm hopefully going to be tested for OCD in the future.

have a good day/night O_o

[teddy-feathers]

so. i realized on the way home today that

a) i dont want to die. or i do but like thats definitely not me talking anymore thats the brain goblins. like id be sad to leave behind my friends. so as much as i say 'i wanna die' when im upset, and as much as that emotion is present i dont actually wanna die anymore. like. id be sad if i died just as much as id be relieved.

b) i never feel like enough because the only time im doing anything "right" is when im following a step by step guide laid out for me and i hate that its like playing a video game where the possibilities are pretty full but only playing a build someone else designed and then playing the rest of the game exactly how youre told to like do i need to be here for this?

c) i didnt take my pills this weekend or monday and Tuesday while i was sick or wednesday because i hadnt been taking them the previous days and despite having taken them the last two days i am emotional as fuck.

tuesday i went to a doctor and found out ive gained.... 10lbs in a month and im pretty close to breaking the 200 mark. which is because of my meds. so i need to contact my shrink and say "exercising and eating right aint uh working out for me the way i hoped can we try new meds"

because as much as i want to be chill about it it bothers me so much. like if it was all in my gut like itd be if i were on t id probably give less shits but where its at now its bothering me. and if i break the 200 make i know its going to be so much harder to come down from.

and new meds are scary because i know these ones work because i always know when i havent been taking them. i get the sads. new ones may not work and we'll have to adjust the dosage.

and if i tell my aunt shell throw a fit because how dare my shrink lower my dosage just because i called her and told her i was having a problem with how it was affecting me. and now she wants to put me on different meds? without doing a brain scan?

like frankly my dear i dont give a damn. this woman had done more for making me not dead in the last idk how long ive been seeing her to be honest then my aunt has since before 2012.

idk. im tired. and emotional.

[queenlucythevaliant]

Six things I wish you knew about chronic migraine

(By a person who’s lived with the condition for the last eight + years)

While it’s true that migraine is more common than you think (something like one in five women, one in twenty men), it’s also true that there are lots of different kinds of migraine. Optical migraine (“aura”), vestibular migraine (vertigo), and abdominal migraine (lots of nausea and vomiting) can and do frequently coexist, but only a fraction of the people who get “migraine” experience all three all the time. Complex migraine has symptoms similar to both a seizure and a stroke, frequently in addition to some/all of the aforementioned. A person with chronic complex migraine (like me) and a more normal person who gets an acute migraine every month or so (like my mom) might as well have two entirely different conditions.

Corollary to the above: migraine advocacy needs to cover both breadth and depth of sufferers. Naturally, resources and up-to-date research ought to be available to anyone who experiences migraine symptoms, but there also needs to be acknowledgment that even some people for whom the condition is technically “chronic” (eight days a month) might have it relatively easy in the scheme of things. I often tell people that I have a seizure condition (closely related to migraine) in order to be taken seriously in lieu of a thirty minute lecture. 

Migraine is under-researched and poorly understood. I have one of the most expert migraine neurologists in the US and yet frequently, when I ask him questions that seem like they should have simple answers, his response is “good question.” Lots of meds/treatments are new and experimental and thus not covered by insurance. There is a LOT of migraine-related misinformation in the milieu. I cannot overstate this. Immense truckloads of misinformation. It’s incredible. Take anything a non-neurologist tells you about migraine critically.

You would be astonished by how many needles and hospital visits severe chronic migraine entails. There are periods where I’ve had to get painful injections 3x daily and had hospital visits every other week. IV steroid infusions are also a pretty common occurrence and they suuuuuuck.

Most people who get migraine take either OTC drugs or Imitrex/Sumatriptan pills, and if a person gets any kind of nausea/vomiting with migraine, this is pretty much insane. The body can process migraine like a physical trauma and as a result the stomach stops working (gastric stasis). As a result, if you take a pill after an episode has already begun, it won’t actually get digested until the migraine is basically over already. Injectables are much better if you can get them and it’s absolutely crazy to me that most doctors don’t prescribe them across the board. Doctors have known about the gastric stasis thing for decades now and it really ought to be common knowledge.

 Not specific to migraine, but the longer you suffer with chronic pain the more sensitive your body becomes (barring improvements in treatment). This is kind of counterintuitive- you’d expect to get used to the pain over long exposure, but actually your nerves get hyper-attuned to it. This goes double if you have any kind of allodynia. If you have long-term chronic pain—you’re not going crazy if you think something/everything hurts more now than it used to.

[breastcancerdiaries]

I haven't been keeping up with this diary because I found I don't really need it as much, but here's my experience with IVF. I hope it helps somebody.

IVF is an option they usually offer younger cancer patients because chemo has a 10% - 20% chance of rendering you infertile.

I chose to do it because even though I wasn't sure if I wanted kids or not, I still wanted the decision.

Usually during your period, you'll have one egg that matures and releases. During IVF, they give you hormones to stimulate growth in more eggs so they can collect them.

For the first 4 days, I injected myself at home with Gonal-F. If you're needlephobic like me, use numbing cream. It helps a lot. I had to inject myself twice the first time I used it because I didn't feel it so I didn't know if I was doing it right.

For the next 4 days, I injected myself with Gonal-F, which was a little needle and it was okay, and Cetrotide so I wouldn't ovulate. This was a big needle and scary so I asked a friend to help. It was better with the numbing cream.

I also needed to take letrozole to control my estrogen levels because I have hormone positive cancer. I think people who don't have cancer don't take this but it varies I guess? I'm not sure.

IVF cycles can be anywhere between 8 days to 14 days depending on where you are at in your cycle. If you're already ovulating, they may need to artificially induce a period because you've only produced one egg at that point and then it'll prolong your IVF cycle time.

I was lucky I had short cycles and had just come off my period, so I only did 8 days.

Then 36 hours before I was scheduled for my surgery, I took my trigger shot. It's 3 needles, and two of them are dull so I bled a lot and the funny part is that we accidentally injected it on the side of my stomach without numbing cream so it hurt extra bad lol. It was funny because I straight up raw dogged it for my last shot, completely forgetting which side the numbing cream was on. But I got through it, and if a baby like me can get through it, so can you.

I also started pre-emptively taking anti-biotics they prescribed.

The day of my surgery, the nurses and staff were really nice. I got dressed in a hospital gown, taken to a room, hooked up to an IV with saline (no eating or drinking after midnight the day before so you're kind of dehydrated so they want to put some fluids in you). If you're at risk for a blood clot, they inject you with a blood thinner which hurt like a BITCH (they have a system they score you on and I was right on the cusp goddamnit). I sat in the chair for a bit while they prepped everything and they gave me a warm blankie. Then when it was all set up, they wheeled me to the operating room and gave me meds for pain management and anxiety.

I fell asleep instantly, and when I woke up it was all over. I had already taken painkillers that morning because I had port surgery the day before and when I woke up, that hurt like a bitch.

They gave me some cookies that were probably the best things I've ever had, although that's probably the anaesthesia talking, but it was still really good.

I got picked up by a caretaker (friend's mom who I hired to be my caretaker because I don't have family and she could use the money), dropped off at home and was fine. Took a painkiller every 6 hours because I was cramping a bit. I was up and doing chores even, I did the dishes and I made myself pulled pork sandwiches for dinner. You bleed a little bit, but it's just a very small amount, kind of like the last day or so of your period, so wear a pad (not a tampon, those things are toxic, I saw the news yesterday, they have heavy metals in them). But overall it doesn't really hurt. I had 13 eggs collected but only 8 were mature and frozen. Pretty normal, although I wish more eggs had been mature. But something is something.

And that's it.

A couple things that stood out to me is that one of the nurses that treated me had childhood cancer. She was 5 when she got it and she's cancer-free and 44. So that gives me a lot of hope.

Everybody was really nice throughout this process. I'm grateful for the doctors, the nurses, everybody. I'm grateful for my friend who injected me. I'm proud of myself for injecting myself solo for the first couple days, I'm stronger than I think I am.

If you're going through this process and you're scared, I believe in you. You're stronger than you think you are. I would cry in the shower everyday and kick and scream and straight up not want this. But I got through it. And you will too. And your future self will thank you for it.

[digiblueslush]

Here’s a yap lolz. I initially started with a “haha Phil’s medical anxiety is rubbing off on me” but I know that’s not the case and this has nothing to do with either of them lolz, but here’s me just yapping about worries about health issues and such

I’m having pretty severe medical issues at the moment (I literally haven’t been able to walk properly for a month and I’ve had extreme joint pain and cluster headaches every day) but this past week I’ve realized my intake situation has been absolutely awful. (Context I had an ED for 3 years, which I’m completely recovered from but obviously it can cause life long medical issues, and I also have Graves’ disease which I usually take medication for but I was told to stop taking it a few weeks ago since my levels weird)

Like ok, first Ive been having a lot of pain in my jaw when I chew, to the point where I can’t take more then 5 or 6 bites of a meal or snack or whatever without taking 5-10 minutes in between because my jaw will be in so much pain (mostly in my upper jaw but overall just ouch) and second since stopping my thyroid meds I’ve had a really low appetite which is VERY unusual for me, and when I do get hungry I can only eat like a third of a meal before I get super nauseous and full, and I’ve literally only taken like a singular shit this week (which I know TMI or whatever but this is tumblr, and I usually shit everyday so it’s very odd) but now I’m like convinced I have gastroparesis even though I have no significant evidence of it. I am so cooked lolz. And it sucks that despite having no direct evidence it’s still a possibility, the best guess for my walking issues is a neurological thing, and nerve issues can cause it, hyperthyroidism can cause it, and I’m already at risk of it cuz of my eating history so it’s just like aaaaaa

It sucks having all of these issues with no answers cuz I do already have my fair share of issues, but 90% of the time they were either easy fixes or things I’d at least have a diagnosis/a somewhat idea for and know how to handle them, but with this it’s been like, nothing is helping, all of my scans and labs are normal, and nobody is doing anything about it’s just like what am I supposed to do besides assume things yk?

[winterswhite]

Personal rant, CW for talks of blood and medical stuff

The past 5 days have really been so much for me and it... seriously doesn't feel like only 5 days at all with how much has gone on

On Wednesday evening I got home from work feeling extremely weak after telling my QPP repeatedly that I don't feel good, and after I was no longer able to hold my head up or open my eyes without extreme effort my roommate took me to the emergency room where we waited 9ish hours for me to even be taken to a bed and then one or two more to be seen

When they did get there, they said they needed to take blood, give me an IV, do chest x-rays, and a few other tests (I think they tested me for a stroke too) because clearly a lot was wrong

The nurse tried to put the IV in my left arm and then my hand, failing both times because she couldn't find a vein. She then called over a second nurse, who said since I had already been poked twice, she wasn't going to poke me unless she was sure she had one

She left without poking me.

She called over a doctor to come with a whole ass ultrasound setup to use that to find a vein, and they only found a suitable one in my upper right arm, meaning I had to hold it up at an uncomfortable angle the entire time and because of where it was, it also hurt the entire time (only a little, but still)

They also interrupted it in the middle to take more blood ("well that can't be good")

Also, while they were putting the IV in, I remember them struggling to reach the vein, and the pain from them wiggling it around trying to reach my difficult ass vein, and then hearing "how attached are you to this sweatshirt?"

I had... bled all over it (fortunately they stopped the bleeding pretty fast, very different from my last experience with an IV where I nearly bled out on the hospital floor)

Anyway, after wanting to cry from how uncomfortable the whole experience was but eventually managing to sleep through the last half hour of it, they told me about my bloodwork, and a lot is wrong! Some of the things that have always been wrong with me, and some new things, like low thyroid and low potassium, low sodium etc

They scheduled me for a follow-up appointment in a week and I leave, it is now Thursday morning

I picked up the meds they prescribed me and got home around noon, exhausted from not having slept all night, and napped

Only to wake up to a terrible toothache out nowhere, that at its worst was so bad I couldn't lift a finger

I ran to the dentist but they were closing by the time I got there and told me to come back the next morning

I did, and they said I need an emergency root canal, but that it would be hard to find any endodontists who take my insurance, which... yeah, it proved to be impossible

So now, today, I'm scheduled for the root canal, and I have to pay for the whole $1500 out of pocket

Which I haven't reached, but... I'll have to see what I can manage now

Also, through all of this, my workplace is telling me it's "unacceptable" not to show up to work because they're short-staffed. As if I wasn't stuck in the fucking hospital. I worried about getting fired, because I need that money to pay for the fucking root canal and I hadn't even received my first paycheck, so I went in to work yesterday, but wasn't able to finish a full day of work because I felt like Shit

They still told me they need a doctor's note specifically stating that I can't work for x number of days (even though I gave them my emergency room discharge papers to prove I was unwell) before they could believe that I was actually not feeling well enough to work

So I guess I'm going to ask the fucking endodontist for one

And this cuts into my funds for my trip to take the JLPT and some other things in June, which I also really need so I can get a better job. It is absolutely necessary that I take this trip, but I'll no longer have the money for it yet, and travel costs only go up as you get closer to the date of, so lol.

Anyway. It has not even been 5 full days since I first went to the ER. I need a fucking break.

[onlyjellyillputinmybelly]

So... you commented that you're studying biomedical engineering on a hermitcraft post

Do you like it? Is it a good major?

I am a BME major! Its a bit of a long story cuz im currently finishing my freshman year and ive only been bme for one semester (started as environmental studies but got too bored). Its pretty damn hard but I really like it!

Ive taken statics (physics but nothing moves), all my calculuses (hell but at least im done with them), and computing (coding in matlab).

Ive really loved statics. Its mostly an engineering class without buch bio or medical but I knew id chosen the right major when my prof said like 2 sentences about how what we were learning related to bone fractures and i fully started vibrating lmao. Our final project was building a truss and seeing how much load it could carry which was a really cool hands on project and it was rly good for familiarizing me with the makerspace at my school

I birthed her^^^^

Computing has been pretty hard for me because my brain was very much not build for coding, but im doing surprisingly well in the class all things considered. I think its the only comp sci esque class i have to take, and it might not be a major rec at ur school so who knows.

I know that my schedule next year is going to HURT. Because i did t take chem or physics this year I have to figure out how to stack those on top of the normal sophomore classes. I think I'm gonna be ok with it though, because the majority of my course hours for next year are labs, so my schedule looks way more packed than it actually is.

i chose the major because I was missing science in my first semester. I was thinking of going into biology because i really liked AP bio, but i didnt want to go pre-med. Then my mom asked what i was going to do with bio and i had no idea. Then i realized BME would be a pretty much perfect major for me because it's really fluid. I mean you can literally go into bio, medicine, or literally any engineering field.

in the last semester ive found so many resources and opportunities that my school offers for bme and its been just rly fun to get closer w other people in my major.

If i had to give you one piece of advice, it would be to start freshman year as an engineering major if you are interested in that. It is WAY easier to switch out if engineering than to switch into it, and if you dont like it first semester you can change majors and have most of your core credits done already. BME is sick as hell and its crazy how many people major in it. My orthopedic surgeon thats gonna fix my hip was a BME major. My old pediatrician was a BME major. People who work for oil corps were BME majors (please dont work for oil corps). You can literally go into any field with this shit its great.

Ik this is long but im having such a good time with this major and if you have any more questions or want to hear more about any of the classes ive taken please lmk!! College is a bitch and the more you can learn about it beforehand the easier it is to figure out so literally if anyone seeing this wants to know more hmu

[piratecaptainscaptainpirates]

And now the guide for Ed's surgery day! When I've written Ed's top surgery before, this is where I made the most mistakes and left out the most detail, so I hope this will be a very useful resource!

Once Ed gets to the hospital for his surgery time, he'll be given his hospital bracelet and Stede will be able to go back with him to a surgery waiting room. At my hospital, my mom was given a special registration number for me, and there was a big screen in the waiting room with everyone's numbers that updated with everyone's status: getting registered, preparing for surgery, in surgery, all done!, and waking up.

Ed will be taken back to a pre-op room, where the nurse will ask lots of questions confirming what he's there for and getting a medical history. He'll be asked to change into a gown and he'll have to pee in a cup for a pregnancy test, which is a legal requirement for anyone who still has an F on their ID (my nurse was super apologetic about this).

His vitals will be read - this might be nerve-wracking! I was super nervous about my surgery being canceled for whatever reason, so my blood pressure and pulse were both elevated. This might be a good point if you want angst, but as long as Ed's not having any chest pains and it's not WAY high, he'll be fine and his surgery won't be affected.

He'll be started on an IV pretty quickly. Because he'll have been told not to drink water after midnight the night before, and especially if his surgery is later in the morning, he'll probably be dehydrated, which can make finding a vein much more difficult. He might be able to get his IV in his arm, but many people need theirs in their hands. I did, and it's a bit more painful than in the arm.

After his IV is in, Stede will be able to come back and sit with him before his surgery! He can probably expect to wait for a few hours here. My arrival time was 10 am and my surgery started at about 12:15. His anasthesia doctor will come in to talk to him, get a consent signature, and answer any questions he may have. He'll be warned that he might have a really sore throat for a few days. Then his surgeon will come in to mark up his chest and answer any last-minute questions.

When he's ready to go, he'll get to say goodbye to Stede before he's wheeled back. The nurses will promise to call Stede with updates and he'll be able to watch the screen in the waiting room to keep tabs on where Ed's at in the process.

Ed will be given a medication in his IV to help him calm down, and he'll notice his reaction time getting slow and fuzzy as he's rolled to the operating room. He'll probably have to shift himself over to the operating table. He'll get an oxygen mask as his team adjusts him on the table, and he'll hear his anesthesia doctor tell him they're starting the drug to put him to sleep. I remember wondering when it would take effect, and the next thing I remember is being awake in recovery!

In my experience, it was the same sort of grogginess after a very long nap. I felt a bit dizzy and nauseous, but nothing terrible. I know my nurse asked me basic questions to make sure I was alert and okay, like my name and the date, but I don't remember answering them. I know I just kept thanking him - I remember going "thank you - have I said that a lot?" and he was all "yeah, but it's okay, just means you're nice :)" It's completely believable for Ed to repeat himself, forget what he's said, and forget bits and pieces.

Stede will be brought back to see Ed now! The average time for top surgery is about 2-3 hours, but mine actaully only took just a bit over an hour. Discharge was also very quick since I was feeling pretty great right away - I left the hospital at around 3 pm. Many surgery hospitals will have an on-site pharmacy, so the nurses brought me my medications right up to my room! Ed will most likely be given pain meds and an antibiotic to take home.

Right after waking up was when my pain was most intense. It was about a 4/10 and calmed down quickly.

It's not an exagerration to have Ed feel 100% better about his body and how he looks literally right away! I'm already happily walking around the house without a shirt when I never would've dreamed of that before, and even just looking down at my body feels great.

Once Ed gets home:

Many people will be given a compression vest to wear home, my surgeon just does tight bandages. The most painful areas for Ed will probably be the stitches around his drains.

I had a mild (but admittedly scary) complication not long after I got home, where blood started leaking from one of my drains enough to soak through the bandages. I had to go to the ER to get the bandages replaced and check on the drain, and I was absolutely fine. I think this would actually be an excellent complication for Ed to have if you want some drama, because it was a bit scary but overall nothing to be worried about and it probably happened because I was moving too much while trying to clean myself up when I got home.

The morning after surgery, Ed will probably feel a bit feverish, sore, and tired. He'll want to stay on top of his pain meds, but I'm already on just Tylenol for the pain and I'm almost entirely pain-free.

Ed's doing great and he's so happy! I'll add more to this guide when my drains and nipple graft dressings are ready to come off.

A Guide for Writing Ed's Top Surgery!

I'm getting my top surgery on July 3 (whoo!!!) and I'm using this as an opportunity to gather info for fic purposes. I love writing Ed as a trans man, and I love everyone else who writes and draws him as trans, so I wanted to share the notes I'm taking to help others who want to draw or write Ed's top surgery experiences! I'll update this as we go in sections (pre-op, the surgery itself, and initial recovery).

This is all just my experience with getting a double-incision with free nipple grafts surgery, and it's from a US perspective. Your mileage may vary and this definitely isn't meant as a medical guide. If you're having your own top surgery listen to your surgeon, not me.

Pre-op guide below the cut!

In the months before his surgery:

Getting insurance approval for top surgery in the US, depending on where you live, can be incredibly frustrating, dehumanizing, and painful. Ed will need at least one letter from a therapist or other mental health provider, and he'll probably feel very frustrated about being treated like a child who is unable to make his own medical decisions. I had several insurance denials, needed to switch insurance companies (currently having to settle for one that's more expensive in every other way but will at least approve this surgery), and needed three (fucking 3!!) letters from mental health professionals to get my approval. Hard to overstate how much it sucked and how much it makes you feel like the people writing state and insurance laws see you as a stupid child. Ed will very likely have Lingering Issues about this experience.

Ed will need an initial consultation to confirm he's a good candidate for surgery. Mine was quick and easy!

Once he gets his approval, or once he decides to pay out-of-pocket, he'll get his surgery date! Depending on his clinic, this could be years away or it could be as soon as a couple months out, so anything is realistic for your story. You could lean into the joy of a date that's sooner than he'd expected or he could be frustrated by the whole process grinding to a halt.

His pre-op appointment:

The pre-op appointment is when Ed will meet his surgeon and get the details for his surgery date. Mine was almost two weeks before my surgery. He'll also receive packets of information and his post-op check-up dates. If he smokes, he should be tobacco-free by this date.

This is when Ed and Stede will be able to ask any last-minute questions. Ed can ask here if the surgeon will be willing to give him heart-shaped nipples, but they'll probably say no

This appointment is also when Ed will be struck by the reality of having post-operative drains and not being able to shower for a week. This will be deeply upsetting for him

Ed will probably be very nervous for this appointment (what if something goes wrong and he can't get his surgery?) but he'll be relieved and comforted by the whole experience. The mood in the whole plastic surgery center, for me, was downright fucking jubilant, all the nurses who saw my name on the chart were congratulating me and telling me how happy they were for me! This WILL make Ed cry

The week before his surgery:

It begins to sink in that Ed is about to have major surgery. He's excited, of course, but he'll be a little nervous too! Stede will need to give him lots of cuddles and promise to take good care of him

They'll need to make lots of Ed's favorite comfort foods to freeze so he has something to eat when he can't raise his arms well enough to cook

Ed should practice doing things without lifting his arms above his shoulders. He'll have a great time stomping around and pretending to be a dinosaur

He'll want to prepare a selection of comfy clothes he can wear without raising his arms. Stede's robes will be perfect

The biggest struggle for Ed during his recovery will be the boredom. Stede should help him build up a stock of video games, books, Lego sets, sketchbooks, and model building kits to keep his hands and brain busy!

They should prepare Ed's sickbed. He might be more comfortable sleeping upright on the couch or in an armchair propped up by pillows. He'll have to see how he feels after surgery and what positions are most comfortable, so getting both the couch and their bed ready is a good idea!

At some hospitals, including mine, you won't know what time to arrive at the hospital for your surgery until the day before, when they'll call you to let you know (they do this based on surgery room flow to ensure you arrive at the right time). Ed will find this stressful; Stede will HATE it.

Ed may need to shower with a special antiseptic skin wash the night before and the morning of his surgery. He will not enjoy having to get up at the asscrack of dawn to shower

The night before Ed's surgery, he and Stede should pack bags, just in case. Top surgery is an outpatient procedure, but just in case anything goes wrong and Ed has to stay overnight, it's good to be prepared. A change of comfy clothes, a book, and Ed's Nintendo Switch are good things to pack. Ed will also love taking a stuffed animal to keep him company after Stede can't go any further with him (and he can use the plushie to cushion the seatbelt on the car ride home).

Ed's super excited and everything's set for him! Good luck, Ed! 🥳

[lisacatara-actress]

ALMOST LISA : Pt 7, “Almost left the Movie!”

*I retain all rights to my photography and story, story details, biographical information, fashion designs, art work, and anything and everything I have posted which is my own creation*)

This week was our cast and crew screening for “Wakanda Forever”. Marvels latest and- by far- greatest blockbuster to date. An unprecedented and wildly successful franchise emphasizing black heroes and black leads. They did not need to include brown people in their success. But they CHOSE to. And I am profoundly humbled and happy for the inclusion in something so Magical.

I tried to get pretty. Getting dressed for events these days is painful. I used to enjoy getting dolled up, but now my body isn't my own, it does what it wants. None of the clothes I had fit well enough, but I managed to get creative and ...well, presentable. It’s a once in a lifetime experience, being a part of this team of talented filmmakers and collaborators. I was not missing it.

(I spent some time in harnesses working on the film. On the 1st or 2nd week, my colon swelled under the pressure and I had to secretly go to the urgent care on my one day off to get meds so I could continue to work the next 5 weeks. And about halfway through the cast screening, I felt familiar stomach cramps and chest pains. I’d been so careful on that morning and the night before not to eat or drink anything which might upset me. It didn't matter. Ironically, not being able to eat or drink much on our long days/ weeks/ months of filming proved to be helpful for me. No food, no bloat and pain! I could finally see my abs again)

Mid- screening, I shimmied out of my middle row seat (of course, best seats in the house!!) and walked around the lobby for 20 minutes. Then watched from the back of the theater awhile before I could rejoin my team. I made it through the celebration and red carpet photos (whew!), but regret not feeling well enough to dance all night afterwards with my people. I LOVE to dance!

“Success is being broken, bone-tired and worn out, but STILL showing up for battle.”

You know, that probability analyst was right. I am unbelievable. No wonder I intimidate others. I don't fit into any boxes. Not by my ethnicity, not by my career, not in my diet, my varied interests, nor by my lifestyle... I can't even be offended on social media when misogynists try and label me because I don't have trope-y labels or subscribe to most group ideologies. Alas. Additionally, I'm a natural leader simply because I GO DO stuff and can multitask well. So often others don't think to include me in things for the assumption that I'm not a “team player" or that I don't need any help. But, I am. And I do. Never had trouble finding friends and Tribe until I moved to Los Angeles. It’s a different kinda place. Relationships in The Biz are networking opportunities. In the absence of the community I crave, I just did stuff and experienced life solo. Though, full disclosure, I would really like to meet my someone now. I’m 47 and Ive been single the last 18 years.

This is usually where the men panic and ask “NO SEX FOR 18* YEARS?”. No. No relationship. In 18 years, Ive yet to meet anyone who sparks a light inside me or peaks my interest enough to want to spend more time with them. Physical attraction is not enough to grab my interest. I'm talking REAL intimacy. I know what I like, I’ve traveled a lot, I’ve taken risks and tried many things, I’ve rebuilt my life twice now and know who I am and what I stand for, I'm loyal and monogamous... and I can no longer tolerate anything less than authenticity, honesty, and integrity in a partner. Plus, life is too short for bad sex, fake connections and fake people. Anything not adding to your light is taking from it. That’s how energy works. 

Everything is easier when you have someone to go through life's challenges with and share Joys and thoughts with. I've never had that luxury. Now, my health keeps me isolated, I couldn't fathom getting into a relationship with all of my special considerations. I'm not myself. I haven't recognized myself for a decade. My focus remains staying employed.  My work is a beautiful distraction, and I need income.

I continue to send my resume and interview materials for work via any email I can get. In the past several months I’ve had a few calls for one-day gigs back in LA (not my local anymore and costs more to go than what I’d be making), and a couple of one-day gigs in new Orleans and North Carolina which required me driving to and from (14-16 hours round trip for either). Because I was on a waiting list for yet another Doctor, I had to pass.  Projects were shooting in Atlanta, I simply wasn't on them. Last week I received a booking on what seemed a good theatrical audition I’d put on tape. When I went to my fitting, the role had gone from substantial costar with dialog and a character name, to one line and a generic character name. It‘ll be a paycheck. Not work. Nothing for my reel. Not a career- booster. But the first job in seven months. It’s SURREAL. This all used to be much easier. Sometimes I have those typical dis-empowering thoughts of going back in time and “doing it all again”. But I wouldn't want to relive the most challenging parts of this  journey again.  I do, however, greatly miss the stage.

Making movies/TV and live performance share some similarities, but theater is Life for an actor. The energy is raw, magnetic, never stagnant. So many elements have to work together in unison, complementing and/or contradicting one another, in that environment. Magic doesn't begin when the curtain goes up. It happens long before. During rehearsals. In tech runs. While bonding with cast mates. I have great memories of these moments and reminders of why I loved performing on stage so much.

One moment in particular always comes rushing back when I think of my shortened stage career. After months of memorization, stage marking, wardrobe, and countless musical rehearsals, there comes a day when you step on stage and there is suddenly an orchestra where the piano reduction had been. That day is absolute MAGIC. I can remember well how the sound rose up underneath me, lifted me, surrounded me, moved through me, and ultimately carried my voice. There's really no other way to describe it then Euphoria. 

When I lost my voice, during/ after 9/11, I lost a valuable part of myself I’ve never been able to recover. And a part of my lifeline. When anyone hears of this loss, and tells me (kindly, but ignorantly) to “just sing again”, it’s painful. Voices can be lost and damaged, permanently. It happened to me. The constant reminder of what I want but cannot have creates dissonance within me, even decades later. Amplified- as to be expected- by the fact that it happened again with the Writers Guild Strike, and now again with this Pandemic. As tenacious as I am, I’m TIRED. BUT...

I don't believe that God would instill a superior talent and a bone deep desire to accomplish something without providing a Way.

      (to be continued...)

(PS If you like what you're reading, I welcome contributions to the efforts via Venmo @LTarantinoDesigns)

[coccyodynia]

things:

i cried so much last night that my eyes were so swollen this morning that they wouldn't open all the way and i was convinced i had pink eye, so i went to the dr and they said no they're just irritated and swollen that's it

i had a follow up appointment with my spine care team this morning and they said they didn't see any obvious reason for the pain i'm having so they're scheduling me a Ct scan to see the hardware from the fusion better bc it's possible the screws are loosening lol

in the meantime they did notice i have a bulging disc above the fusion which might contribute to some of the issues i've been having

they also saw signs of "wear and tear" which i dont like the sound of

so i have to do physical therapy and have another steroid injection or whatever and i'm not happy about either of those things

they did offer to give me a muscle relaxer prescription which i think will help

anyway

i had my annual review at work today and i got a small raise which is cool i guess bc i thought the owners hated me now but w/e

in one month i will be lakeside making s'mores and that might be the only reason i haven't offed myself yet

still not entirely sure what the fuck is going on with justin bc he got pretty overwhelmed when i asked him for clarity and he sort of shut down so for now i'm just taking it a day at a time, idc what ends up happening i just want him in my life somehow either way

ive been working really hard on my mental health stuff, my therapist has even said she can tell i'm taking it more seriously and putting in more effort than usual

im just so tired of feeling bad, and it turns out that sometimes journaling or making crafts (instead of getting drunk and fucked up) is actually fun

still having a hard time feeling really connected to people i love especially when i feel very much 'in distress'

not sure if that's just me or if it's an actual issue

i've taken my meds pretty gosh darn consistently for over a month now tho!!!! that might be the first time in my adult life i can say that

just really making a conscious effort to surround myself with as much of the things and people i love and it's helping

i haven't seen justin since pride and that sort of makes me sad but i'll see him soon probably

ok that's it guess bye

[bromantically]

no one ever takes fat people seriously when we say our healthcare quality is significantly impacted by our bodies.

had a gyno appt recently bc we are discussing endometriosis treatment. of course, weight came up bc some treatmens will make u gain weight. truthfully i do not care if a medicine makes me gain weight as long as it takes care of the Uterus Shitting Itself Forever disease. the doc was Very insistent on trying to avoid the meds that might cause weight gain even tho they were ones that would probably benefit me most

so by that point i was already pretty irritated, but it wasnt anything i hadnt heard from a doctor before, so whatever. i can handle a few annoying comments, i can push through and make sure i get what i want out of my treatment. but then she outright told me that i have "too much" weight and should go on a diet to lose weight. 🙄😒 also nothing i havent heard before.

but the thing is, she didnt recommend anything regarding diets. she told me to "just look it up". she didnt recommend anything that would help my health issues, like managing cholesterol and blood sugar, she didnt recommend anything specific to weight loss, she didnt tell me anything about what kinds of foods might be best for me, or how a proper diet looks or works.

just look it up. google it. on the internet, where there is surely nothing but trustworthy and unbiased information that actually has my wellbeing in mind as a fat person. the internet, famous for providing information on food habits that is not based on false science, fatphobia, or blatant lies. sure.

and when i told her i have no intentions of changing my body bc i like it as it is and would rather just treat my issues as they arise, she doubled down and gave the whole spiel about cholesterol and diabetes and joint pain and how shes just looking out for me blah blah blah. as if i didnt already have all of these issues when i was skinny. as if i wasnt previously taken seriously on these issues when i was skinny. as if all my current health issues werent related entirely to genetics and not my fucking weight.

i never had to hear this shit when i was thin. i got treatment without an issue. i was taken seriously and listened to. when i got fat, i was no longer a person or a patient, i became a body. i became the cause of all my health issues. i became a number on a scale. i know doctors treat thin people differently bc ive seen how much their treatment of me has changed as i got bigger.

this isnt even the worst experience ive had with a doctor and my body as a fat person, but its certainly one of the most ridiculous. to go in asking for treatment so my uterus doesnt self destruct and be told for 30 minutes how im too fat. and her solution was to tell me to look it up. Look It Up. my doctor, in charge of my wellbeing and responsible for educating me, told me to look up a diet. just any old diet. no advice, nothing.

this kind of shit is dangerous. this kind of shit is what starts eating disorders and gets people killed. she spent 30 minutes trying to convince me not to take beneficial medicine because it might make me fatter and also to diet without safe and reliable information on how to.

[indynerdgirl]

UPDATE 12/01/2023 (This will be my last update to this post unless something drastically changes, good or bad. Thank you all so much for your prayers for Vianney, Jennifer, and the entire Cripe family. 🙏🏻)

[IMAGE TEXT:

3 Months! And oh, what a journey its been. I pray her next 3 months are less exciting - boring sounds pretty good around here right now. We got to take Vianney home with us on 11/20, just in time for Thanksgiving. Right before she came home, she started giving us some small sounds and looking around more, each day she got more and more alert (and has continued to do so!). She also was completely seizure free while she was on the EEG for 72hrs. Which is so incredible and another answered prayer! We were able to wean her two IV seizure meds off before coming home and are now working to wean one of her four remaining seizure meds down. I am praying she does well and we might be able to wean a second one off soon too. She is still feeding by NG tube and taking her meds through this as well. It's been a learning experience for us but Shad and I are figuring it out (Shad had a middle of the night ER visit with her this week after multiple tubes kept clogging). I am still hopeful she may be able to nurse again one day but we still aren't there yet. In the meantime, I continue round the clock pumping (which can sometimes be stressful itself and no fun but I am grateful to still be able to feed her this way). Since we've been home, Vianney has been showing off her lungs and giving us lots of good noises now! And while I will always be so grateful to hear them, I wouldn't hate it if it was a little less frequent at night. ❤ It seems our little lady has her days and nights mixed up (no surprise given she'd been in the hospital for so long) so we are working on that. A few nights ago she was up from 11pm - 5am and ooph this mama was tired the next day. And unfortunately I keep scheduling virtual appointments/home health visits while Zelie naps. She is stiff and sometimes struggles to straighten out but we are gently working on that. And still unsure of how much she can see and hear but she does startle to loud noises at least! It's taken me a while to post an update, mainly because I've been so tired and whatever energy I do have has been put towards the girls and just trying to resettle into our home/reestablish our routines. Each day we are figuring life with her out though but every moment continue to be grateful for her! She is such a gift and we treasure it as a most wonderful blessing from God. Cecilia adores holding her as much as she can throughout the day and I'm pretty sure Zelie has her own "kiss quota" she has to hit - she kisses her randomly all day long ❤ We remain incredibly, incredibly grateful for all those lifting us up in prayer, the meal train, the grocery shopping, the donations, and everything else in between. My family feels so loved by so many. I continue to ask the Blessed Ulma family's intercession for her healing and for her to make gains that surpass every doctor's expectations. Jesus, I trust in you. God, thy will be done.]

[Image Text: Please, please, please, if you even so much as glance at this post - share it for us and help us storm heaven!!! Our little girl needs a miracle and I beg any and every one of you to pray, pray, pray! Even if you don't know how to pray, please just ask God to heal Vianney’s brain. Now is the time for her miracle. We are devastated. Ever since we first found out about her diagnosis of left hemimegalencephaly, we have been praying and asking you all to pray that her right brain be spared. And you have shown up and helped us pray for this intention! All along the doctors have told us how strong and beautiful her right brain looked. However, this all changed sometime in the night between Friday and Saturday. At a time when we thought we were in the clear and were actually making plans to go home in a couple of weeks (!), something happened. The doctors can't explain it, they are looking into every avenue, as this was completely unexpected and unexplainable. She was awake. She was breathing on her own. She was moving. Shad was with her Friday night and video chatted me and I could not wait to see her the next day, finally alert! But suddenly very early that morning she took a turn and stopped responding. That's when her seizures started and they were indeed coming from the right side this time, due to whatever injury the right side sustained. They said her injury looks consistent with hypoxic-ischemic encephalopathy but none of her vitals ever changed and her labs have remained great. There is truly no explanation at this time. My heart is broken. I cry out to God to understand why, in this final moment, when we were so close to her recovery, did this happen? I am trusting in Him with all my might and KNOW in my heart and soul that He is loving her far greater than I, but oh man I am absolutely broken. She has lost 40-60% of function in her right brain. Even typing it out and reading it in this post is too cruel to bear. They don't expect that she is in dire life threatening circumstances yet but they also can't say that her brain won't be injured further - since we still don't have a cause. Even if she survives all of this and is able to come home, we don't yet know what kind of life our little, beautiful perfect girl will have with only 25% of her brain. At this point, the most basic expectation is that she will not be able to walk or talk along with many other difficulties. She is outside of what they can do (other than trying to prevent more damage) and is truly in God's hands now. I told our priest yesterday before we got the full news - perhaps God is giving us the most dire of circumstances to give us the most miraculous of recoveries. In a world that needs to witness a miracle more than ever, I am praying to God that He show us one now. Please, please, please, keep praying for our Vianney - that her brain is completely healed and she can defy all medical expectations. And if now is the time for a miracle, then we are asking you to also beg for the prayers of the Blessed Ulma family. Soon I will share more about this incredible family, but for now we are asking them to pray along with us for our little Vianney’s miracle!]

Please storm heaven for my friend's little girl! 🙏

You can follow their GiveSendGo for updates

Prayer for the Intercession of the Ulma Family

Almighty and eternal God,

We thank You for the testimony of the heroic love of the spouses Józef and Wiktoria with their children, who gave their lives to save persecuted Jews.

May their prayers and example support families in Christian life and help everyone to follow the true path of holiness.

Lord, if it is in accordance with Your will, kindly grant the grace for the complete healing of little Vianney, for which we are asking You through their intercession and count them among the Blessed.

Through Christ Our Lord

Amen

Our Father…, Hail Mary…, Glory Be…

[x3kristax3]

After Duskwood - Chapter 28

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A/N: the end is near are you ready??? also this chapter is my far my FAVORITE out of all written for this story. I hope you love it as well.

It's the next morning when I wake up and Jake is laying in bed, I believe still sleeping. I look at him and see his messy black hair and his scars from over the years of fighting and running from everything. I curl up against him and I feel him pull me closer as I whimper in pain as my back is tender. His eyes instantly pop open.

"You're past your meds time" he says looking at his phone..

He goes to leave and I pull him back down but he overpowers me and goes to get the meds. I give him a pout as I sit up. He hands me the meds and a cup of water. I take it and he sits next to me. 

"I know you were enjoying the moment but you need to be taking it on time" he says, kissing my forehead.

"You just squeezed a little too tight. I was doing just fine" I say as I go to get up but after last night my legs give out.

"How are you feeling elsewise?" He asks with a devilish smile.

"Taken care of in all ways" I say, smirking back.

He pulls me back to him and wraps his arms around me just cuddling now that he gave me the meds.

"So we need to decide what we're doing" I say with a sigh as I turn and face him.

"We're cuddling," he says.

"Well besides that. Do we want to stay in this area or go back to my home?" I say, looking into his eyes.

"Well now that is something you and I need to decide together" he says .

He pulls his phone out looking at places to buy here and apartments to buy in my home city and while here we can get a full house and he is close to Hannah and Lilly. I can't help but think of how my family and friends took him in with such ease without even questioning him. Here in Duskwood everyone seems to act like they are happy for us but always questioning him which breaks my heart. I look at his screen, looking over what he has open for houses here.

"What are you thinking about?" He asks.

"Which feels better. Like home is where the heart is so it's with you but here we always seem to have something bad happen" I say looking into his eyes.

"Because of my past, while there no one knows me and it's a fresh start plus your family took me in" he says.

"Exactly!" I say as I get really happy.

"I guess we know the location now to determine what we want in a place."

"Before that can I shower and we can go get coffee and breakfast" I ask all cute giving him those brown eyes and a smile.

"Of course we can't jump on just any place" he says.

"No it has to be perfect for us" I say, kissing him gently.

After a day of laying in bed looking at apartments we realize we need dinner. I pull out my phone and text everyone to meet at the Aurora for drinks and dinner and i go to get up. Ive been wearing one of Jake's shirt and get changed.  I look in the mirror at my back and the marks are pretty much gone.

"Hey can you text Red thank you for the help" I say.

"I'll try but I haven’t heard from her since everything went down with Clyde" he says.

"Jake, can I ask you something?" I say as i grab a backless shirt and high waisted jeans.

"Anything," he says, looking at me.

"Before I entered your life did you and her have a thing?" I ask.

"I mean we messed around but that's all we were stuck together helping Nate all the time but when I realized my feelings for you I stopped. Where does this come from?" He asks.

"I saw how she looked at you when she came in. I’m surpised she helped me,'' I say as I go into the bathroom and get dressed and do my makeup.

Jake opens the door to face me as I’m starting to do my makeup and he's just staring at me.

"What?" I ask as I see him just grab a clean shirt and jeans and change staring at me.

"Does your dad know about that shirt?" He says with a devilish grin.

"Definitely not! He would have a heart attack" I say with a small laugh. "We should get going" I say as I walk past him.

"I think you need a jacket especially since we're going to the Aurora" he says.

I roll my eyes "you just dont want Phil to see me like this?"

"Correct" he says grabbing me a jacket from my suitcase "glad I threw that in there."

I sigh at him and throw it on. At least it's my favorite white leather jacket, still to this day I have no idea how I’ve had it for years and it still looks brand new with no stains.

We pull up to Aurora and everyone is outside waiting. Seeing them makes me sad about our choice to leave but I know it's for the better for Jake and I. We walk up to them and Dan pulls me in for a hug and I dont flinch.

"You're doing much better," he says.

"Thanks it's healing and the meds are working" I say.

We all head in and grab a booth big enough for us it has seem to become our spot when we all get together.

"Guys, Jake and I have some news" I say as I feel him squeeze my thighs.

"What is it?" Asks Jessy.

"Are you guys getting married?" Asks Lilly.

"Jake and I are moving back to my home. For us it's better and he has a fresh start" I say.

"Well you always have friends in Duskwood" says Hannah.

"We have family not friends" I say looking at Jake.

"Hannah and Lilly" says Jake.

"Yeah brother" they both say.

"You always have a roof over your head if you ever come to visit. Well once we find a place" he says.

"I can't believe I'm losing my best friend" says Jessy.

I reach over to her across the table from me "you're not losing your best friend. You're gaining a second home as well" I say.

"You mean it?" She says, looking at me.

"Yes! You're my best friend" I say.

Our food and another round of drinks come to us and we enjoy the night with food, drinks, and having fun. I look over at Jake as I'm dancing and getting hot. I head up to him at the booth and I kiss him deep as I put my jacket on the seat. He grabs my hand and follows me out on the floor. I feel his hands against my back but his eyes dart away from me giving someone the death glare.

I say into his ear "remember I choose you, no one else." 

He pulls me close and kisses me deep and grabs my ass and I know who he's making a point too but i dont care.

******

It's about two in the morning,Phil is getting ready to close the bar and Jessy and I are up there talking to him. I feel Jake's hands wrap around me as I smell his cologne. I dont stop the conversation but I feel his fingers over mine and he slides the promise ring off my hand.

"So you are really leaving Duskwood huh?" Says Phil as Jessy walks away.

"Yeah it's best for Jake and I" I say as I realize I don't feel him anymore.

"Well you know you always have a bar to visit and work at. Even though Ihave a feeling you won't be back for a while" Phil says.

"Who knows, this group has definitely become another family to me but things just never go right here or in the area surounding us" I say while taking a drink.

"I warned you its only as strange as you make it" he says, starting to clean up.

"You say that but there is a difference between strange and just not the right place for someone" I say as I finish my drink.

"MC your ring is missing!" Jessy yells as she comes up on the other side of me.

"Jake took it" I say, unsure what's going on.

"No he said he doesnt have it. I asked him when I noticed before'' she says.

I turn around and Jake is on his knee in front of me holding the ring.

"MC, you make me the happiest man in this world. You make me want to be the best man I can be. I look at you and all I can think about is our future and I can't imagine my life without you. You have shown me trust and love even when my past caught up to us here. Will you spend your rest of life with me and do me the honors to be your future husband?" He asks holding the ring.

I'm in total shock and I start crying. I look at him still on his knee "YES!" I yell through the whole bar. He puts the ring he took off on my left hand and stands up wrapping his arms around me and picking me.Next thing I know Hannah and Lilly run up and hug us both.

"Welcome to the family" says Hannah.

"It's about time," says Lilly with a smile.

I hear everyone around yelling yay and congrats. I turn to grab my drink and realize it's empty. I see Phil and he seems kind of upset. I go to leave but Jake pulls me close for a kiss and I forget all about it.

Jessy comes up and hugs us both "I’m with Lilly it's about time, Jake. We've all known this was coming since we saw you two together that very first time."

"I was waiting for the right moment and after everything lately I knew it has to be now" he says looking into my eyes.

"Oh my god! I have to tell my family!" I excitedly yell.

"Let's surprise them by flying back to tell them and tell them about us buying a place there" he says. I just smile at him and he melts my heart even more.

"Okay I'm kicking you all out. Bar is closed" yells Phil.

We grab our stuff and Jake and I head back to the motel. We put on the TV and cuddle. I keep looking at my left hand and smiling. I pull out my phone, take a picture of it and one of us in the moment and he kisses my cheek.

"How are you still have so much energy?" He asks as it's almost 4am now.

"You put me on cloud nine with proposing and everything you said. You're totally right though I can't imagine my life without you either. I think that's why the other day I lost it on Jessy because the thought of you not making it out scared me bad" I say as I start looking up apartments for us.I’m scrolling and I found one that is perfect. A  4 bedroom has all the things we decided today we want but I look at the price and it's high and I sigh.

"What is it?" Jake asks.

"I found a place that meets everything we wanted but it's a bit high" I say looking through the photos.

He grabs my phone and looks through it all. "Well I mean it's about 25000 more than we said earlier," he says.

"I know thats why my heart breaks cause it checks everything."

"Let's look at money tomorrow between both of us." He says and gives me back my phone

I realize we still havent talked about that and I pull up my bank account and see that my savings account is still there. I had forgotten about it and was just putting money in there without paying attention. "Um well Iwas planning to use this to help buy things we need for it but" I say showing my saving which is 30k in it.

"How in the world?"

"As a bartender I'm really good. I made enough off tips to live off of while at my parents. So my paychecks were just going into a savings account" I say blushing.

"Well shit that covers that apartment in full. I can sell my car and get a good amount too for that but I'll need to buy a new one." He says.

"We can do that easily…. One of the guys I know from working the bar is a car salesman so might even a good deal" I say as I yawn.

"There's my sleeply girl" he says with a smile.

"Yeah, I think it's time I get some sleep. Maybe we should book a flight tomorrow ``I say as I curl up against him, finding the cozy spot.

"I'll do that now" he say.

[esprei]

Wisdom teeth story

I was 17. I had to get put all the way under bc mine were impacted (sideways) and I also had to get all four of them taken out at once. I was put into a room with a wild looking dentist chair looking thing. One doctor came in and I mentioned feeling anxious. She asked me if I wanted laughing gas and my dumb ass asked, "will that cost my parents extra?" like it was the fucking scholastic book fair. She was like "no wtf" and I was like "cool let's do it then." So at some point some other people come in and they put this plastic thing on my face. It covers my mouth and nose and blocks my view of pretty much everything. They turn the shit on and man. That was an experience. It made my hands and feet feel weird and tingly. I didn't actually feel any calmer, but I could hear my heart monitor slowing down. It was trippy af, but cool. I wasn't uncomfortable or anything. So the anesthesiologist comes by and sprays something that he called "cold spray" on my arm over my brachial artery. It served both as an antiseptic and a numbing agent if I recall correctly. He puts an IV in me at some point, but I can't feel it or see what he's doing. I remember saying that I was thirsty and he was like "oh, this will help with that." I guess he was flushing it with saline first. But then it was night night juice time. He says, "You might start to feel a bit woozy." I look up to the ceiling and say, "Yeah, I sure do feel a bit woozy."

The next thing I remember after that was me sitting in a different room, in a different chair, laughing hysterically and pointing at my mom who was literally just sitting there. I don't remember waking up from surgery or walking to the recovery room, but they did mention afterwards that it took me about 5 minutes longer to wake up than it should have and they didn't like that.

But anyways, a nurse walked me out with my mom because she has a physical disability and wouldn't be able to do much if I stumbled. I still almost fell. But anyways I got in the passenger's seat and my mom drove us to the pharmacy. She told me very firmly to stay put and not to touch anything. I kept waving at her the entire five to ten minutes she was inside the pharmacy. There were big windows, so she could see me the whole time. She looked nervous as hell. So she came back to the car with my meds and made me take them. Then she went through the McDonald's drive thru and got me a large chocolate milkshake bc I couldn't eat solid foods yet. We got home and she tried to spoon feed me the milkshake except I couldn't feel my mouth so I literally could not tell when the spoon was in my mouth. Messes happened. I probably only got through a third of that shake. At that point she told me to go take a nap. Now, I am not a person who takes naps. I wouldn't even take naps when I was a toddler. But my ass slept that entire afternoon and finished the milkshake for dinner.

omg i can only imagine getting laughing gas for that instead and man your poor mom, i can totally understand her nervousness and concern during all of that, she was probably like "hurry up, hurry up, hurry uuuuuup" at the pharmacy lol, we were able to go through a drive-thru with mine