#ive struggled so much with being Good Enough at video games to beat them much less 100% them but 100%ing things is my favorite thing to do

[kidfur]

IM A REAL GAMER NOW

[itsbenedict]

I didn’t post about everything I played this year, so here’s my opinions on the stuff I played that I didn’t make a rec post for:

Raging Loop 

Raging Loop is one of them twisty meta Zero Escape-y branching-path visual novels where an ensemble cast is trapped in a mysterious circumstance where people are dying gruesomely, and you have to find out what’s happening and stop it by looping a bunch. 

I can’t wholeheartedly recommend it, because... it tries to have its cake and eat it too with the supernatural elements. Clearly magic is real and has important impacts on the scenario, but then other parts are trickery you’re supposed to see through, and it’s entirely uninterested in cluing you in to how that trickery was accomplished. Not exactly a fair play mystery, in that regard- you have to kind of just be along for the ride, rather than try to figure it out.

That said, it’s a good ride- pretty strong character writing, and the central conceit of the Werewolf/Mafia-style murder scenario creates really interesting drama. It’s more concerned with making itself feel clever than letting the player feel clever, but it’s still well-paced and gripping and has a pretty decent resolution.

Detective Grimoire

I recommended Tangle Tower, the sequel, pretty strongly- and this one, while obviously a little rougher around the edges with the art and mechanics (the suspicion tracker system is a total dud; I didn’t even realize it existed until I realized I was missing an achievement for using it), it’s still pretty darn good. Really fun character designs and animations, fully-voiced, and a solid whodunit backing it all. Plus- while the two are more or less self-contained, the continuity threads with Tangle Tower raised some really interesting questions.

Contradiction - the all-video murder mystery

This one was pretty fun, largely on the strength of the actors. The main mechanic of interrogating people on evidence and using their own statements against each other was some good stuff, too. Definitely had that Phoenix Wright quality to the deductions, and Jenks is a really fun character. (Had a few points where progression was just linked to standing in a certain previously-abandoned area of the map where a clue was suddenly there for no reason, there- good thing it had a hint system.)

As a mystery, it could use a little work- most of what you end up finding out is sequel bait (for a sequel that never actually came together, unfortunately), and the actual whodunit is just sort of hiding in the cracks of all that. And... cornering the culprit just sort of happens out of nowhere once you’ve got your hands on the right piece of evidence, without much fanfare. You’re following up on leads like usual, you find a little lie in someone’s testimony, and then- oh, shit, they’re just confessing everything! Unlike all the previous times you questioned them and they were super evasive like everyone else! And then the game is over. 

All in all, it’s pretty meaty and entertaining and I’d recommend it, but unfortunately the creators have moved on to other things, so there’s not going to be any follow-up on the stuff it left unresolved.

Ikenfell

Ikenfell is a tightly-designed RPG about kids at a magic school, with Paper Mario-style action command mechanics and a battle system that makes a big deal out of careful positioning and movement, which was really enjoyable. The difficulty’s a little high (I recommend always always always speccing into max damage because killing things before they kill you is worth more than any amount of defense, speed doesn’t work, and healing is cheap), but I found it really satisfying.

There’s... something... off? About... I don’t know how to put it, it’s... doing that “yes, everyone is queer and mentally ill, deal with it” thing, which, sure, okay. But for a lot of them it’s such a background thing, like... half the playable cast is unambiguously nonbinary, but like... I don’t know if it’s trying to make some statement on how there are no rules to being NB and you can 100% perform a particular binary gender presentation but still count, or if they wrote the whole story and then changed the pronouns of some of the characters for Representation Points, or what. Probably the former? I dunno, it just feels weird. Maybe I’m just not woke enough to Get It.

(unrelatedly: why the heck is the official art they use everywhere so... off-model? none of them look like they do in-game- they look like the creator commissioned someone to draw a group shot with one reference image each and didn’t tell them anything about the characters. how much you wanna bet they commissioned a friend and it came out wrong but they were too polite to say “sorry, no, this is wrong, can you do it over?”)

Trails of Cold Steel IV

Hoo boy. It’s... not great, and it’s not great in a pretty predictable way for an even-numbered entry in the Trails series. It happens every time- first there’s a game in a new engine with new characters and a new world to explore, and it’s really nice and does interesting things... and then it ends on a cliffhanger, and then there’s a sequel game in the same engine with the same characters and the same world, reusing as many assets as possible. Also the League Of Generically Evil Anime Supervillains is there causing trouble for reasons they refuse to explain, and the plot is a storm of magicbabble and macguffin-chasing that makes little to no sense. 

Cold Steel IV is that for Cold Steel III, full stop. Welcome back to all the same places you visited last game, except this time there’s some stupid magic apocalypse happening (not that it stops you from taking the time to do random sidequests constantly, of course). The whole “oh, the evil curse mind controls people and that’s why they do stupid bullshit that’s in no one’s interest” plot point is leaned on super hard, and it’s just a big yawn the whole way through.

It’s still really fun, though, because the battle system remains really well-designed. (The same battle system that was just as fun in Cold Steel III, mind you, but it hasn’t gotten old.) And- though they’re struggling to square it with the dumb mind control apocalypse plot, the NPC dialogue continues to make the world feel believable and lived-in. They don’t slack on the parts that make Trails good- it’s just the parts that make Trails bad are making themselves more evident than ever.

did finally get to date Towa though so that’s a win

One Step From Eden

OSFE is... uh. It’s fucking hard is what it is. It’s sort of a deckbuilding roguelike, and there’s this combat that takes place on a grid, and- wait, it’s like Mega Man Battle Network, it’s exactly like Mega Man Battle Network. Man, I forgot about that, but the mechanical influence is extremely obvious. It’s MMBN meets Slay the Spire.

Except it’s super duper hard as hell, because unlike MMBN you can’t pause and swap out chips or anything- everything is just always happening so much, all at once, everywhere, and you have no recourse but to git gud and learn all the enemy patterns and the behavior of your own spells and develop the twitch reflexes necessary to not fucking die from all the shit that’s on the screen always.

(What’s the story? Uhhhh, there was some kind of magic apocalypse, and some anime girls are trying to reach a city for some reason that doesn’t really get explained ever. The game doesn’t really care to build its world at all- it’s all mechanics plus a little token character dialogue that doesn’t say much.)

The point is it’s really frickin’ hard but I am an epic pro gamer and I got ALL THE ACHIEVEMENTS, MOTHERFUCKER. If you’ve played it, I expect you to be really god damn impressed with me, okay???

A Short Hike

This one was really relaxing! It’s a platformer where you explore an Animal Crossing-y island of cartoon animal people, collecting mobility upgrades- but like, mainly it’s about straight chillin’. The flight controls are fun and there’s lots of little secrets to find and it’s just a nice time that doesn’t drag on too long. Not too much to say about this one.

Pokémon Sword

Ehhhhh.

I’m not here for the hot takes about how Dexit is good actually. Development hell happened, they had to make cuts for time, I get it. It’s disappointing and makes the game a little bit worse, but it’s not the end of the world.

Apart from that... perfectly serviceable? The Wild Area could’ve used a little more technical polish (as could most things in the game, really) but was a step in the right direction, giving the player a wider array of early-game team-building options than ever before. No HMs is good. Story and characters were kind of nothing, but that’s par for the course. “At least this time they’re not shoehorning in some kind of stupid evil-team-wants-legendary-pokemon-to-destroy-the-world apocalypse plot”, I thought to myself before they managed to shoehorn one in at the last minute with zero buildup- but, hey, beats wasting half the game on it.

It’s nothing special and it’s missing a lot of polish, but its problems are mainly due to being rushed, and presumably next gen they’ll be able to reuse a lot of the models and animations (maybe even improve the animations so they’re not so boring??? a man can dream) and make something interesting. SwSh seem like they were testing the waters for something else, and not taking too many chances in the meantime. 

(yo why would you sell all these cosmetic items and then turn them all off during gym battles, though) 

Hades

Hades is- oh, who am I kidding? Everyone knows Hades, it’s the game of the year, greatest thing since sliced bread, Supergiant are heroes, yada yada yada. I’ve played almost 300 hours of it and I’ve completed everything except all the Resources Director levels (currently a Sigma Wraith), it’s extremely fun and you don’t need me to tell you that.

Petal Crash

It was that thing the Paranatural creator helped on? It’s, uh. It’s a block-sliding puzzle game thing, sort of in a Puyo Puyo vein. It has fun character designs and some good dialogue, like you’d expect from Zack’s involvement, but it didn’t really leave an impression otherwise (besides how got dang infuriating some of its Turn Trial puzzles can be.) The story is... kinda heartwarming, kinda didactic, kinda childish, not especially deep or interesting. Hard for it to be, when it’s told through little bits of fluffy character dialogue that exist to set up a puzzle battle as quickly as possible. Not super recommended unless you really really like block-sliding puzzles.

Hollow Knight

Man, why’d I sleep on this for so long? It’s a metroidvania platformer with heavy Dark Souls inspiration, in terms of tone and difficulty and death mechanics and environmental storytelling. And it’s... apart from all that, just really good as a game, with tight controls and juicy movement and great animation. Progression is linked as much to mastery as it is to upgrades collected- I found myself in lategame areas facing down things that would’ve killed me ten times over at the start- not because I had the best gear, but because I’d learned the game’s language and understood how to move in ways that wouldn’t get me killed.

(Usually. Sometimes I’d walk into a room and sit on a bench and suddenly there’d be a boss fight and I’d get slaughtered. Ain’t that just the way it goes?)

Anyway, on top of all that it’s just charming as hell, with a really unique and well-realized world full of little bug people. I love how, like, your character is clearly some kind of eldritch abomination, but it’s small and cute and so everyone (besides enemies that attack you on sight because they’re possessed by some kinda evil mold) is like “awww, who’s this little guy? want some help, little guy?”

(except Zote, who is just an ass hole. i love him.)

[winunk]

Under A Peach Tree | iv | Akaashi Keiji x fem!OC

Chapter Four: Can I Call You Tonight?

Pairing: Akaashi Keiji x fem!OC

Summary: Akaashi isn’t sure why but he wants to spend more time with Sasaki. He’s struggling to figure out his feelings and doesn’t want to push Sasaki’s boundaries.

Genre: romance, angst, humor if you squint and think I'm funny

Warnings: cursing, incompetent author who literally does not know how to update regularly, cringe anxious teens, broken caps lock key

Word Count: 1.8k

Check out the series playlist here!

I fucked up.

I watched her walk away from me.

I fucked up.

The train was shaking me, but I couldn’t feel it.

I fucked up.

I hung my bag on a hook next to my desk.

Why couldn’t you just tell her that you wanted her around?

I dried my hair with my towel, staring back at the boy in the mirror.

Why do you even want her around?

I sunk into my bed, wrapping myself in the covers.

Tomorrow came too soon. Before I knew what was happening, I was unlocking the club room and getting all the equipment ready in the gym.

Focus, Keiji. You’ve got to get this team to the Spring Tournament again.

I began warming up as the rest of the team trickled in. I set the volleyball off the wall, and it came back perfectly to my hands.

This isn’t enough.

I started going faster, running back and forth, bouncing the ball of the wall from different angles.

Just hit that same spot.

I kept going, sweat dripping down the side of my face. The cold air of the morning pricked my skin. 

Just--

I slipped. My shoes screeched against the gym floor, stopping my feet as my body flung too far to the left. I landed on the hard ground, a sharp pain in my ankle.

I fucked up.

“Akaashi-san,” Onaga called out, rushing to my side. “Are you alright?”

I rolled over onto my back, sprawling out on the floor. “I’m sure I’ll be okay,” I reassured him.

I’m definitely not okay.

I accepted his help up, and my knees almost automatically buckled. Pain flared up in my ankle.

Well, shit.

“Yeah, you’re going home.”

Onaga called Yuka and Coach Yamiji over to help me to my feet. He explained the situation to them, and Coach gave me a pointed look before telling Yuka to wrap my ankle and lock me out of the gym.

“You’re not going to actually lock me out of the gym, are you?” I asked Yuka.

She slid the door shut with a slam.

So much for being her favorite senpai.

I started on my way home.

Where did I go wrong?

I grabbed a bag of ice on my way to my room.

I’ve never been kicked out of practice like that before.

I set the ice bag against the part of my foot that hurt the most and sat down at my desk. I started to do some work written on my to-do list, but I kept glancing at my phone. I wasn’t sure why, but I kept checking to see if Sasaki had messaged me.

Yu-chan must have told her about my injury. She had to have given Sasaki my number for managerial reasons.

I picked up my phone and started looking through my social media apps for any missed notifications.

Why do I want her to message me so badly?

I opened the video calling app on my phone and called the first person on my recents list. Really, he was the only person on my recents list.

Maybe I just want attention right now.

“AGAASHE!” Bokuto’s hair filled up most of the screen. His eyebrows filled the rest. “How are you? You never call this early in the day.”

Do I want his advice or do I just want to catch up with him like normal?

“I finished my homework early, so I thought I would call you, Bokuto-san,” I replied, rubbing the nape of my neck. “How have you been?”

“I’m doing GREAT!”

I turned down the volume.

“I took Coach’s advice and stopped practicing on our days off!” he bragged. “I’ve been spending so much time just WALKING AROUND! THERE’S SO MANY FOOD STALLS HERE!!! I’LL JUST STOP ON MY WALK AND PICK UP SOMETHING TO EAT AND BE ON MY WAY!!!”

I smiled. “That’s good for you, Bokuto-san,” I said. “You always seemed a little more tense during those week-long training camps. Training nonstop didn’t do you well.”

“BUT YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, AGAASH!!!” he exclaimed. “THE FOOD HERE IS SO GOOOOD!!!!!!”

“I’m sure it is, Bokuto-san.”

He continued talking about how much he was enjoying Osaka. Bokuto rambled on and on about the food. He had been upset that he wasn’t on the official roster for the team at first, but he was in the pool for the team to pick players from.

“It’s actually a lot nicer than I thought it would be, Akaash!” he shouted. “I’m getting to play a lot of games without feeling the pressure weigh down on me.

“I mean sure, I have to be good enough for them to put me on their team, but everyone here is good. Not that the guys at Fukurodani aren’t good. These guys are just so good. I don’t feel like I’m being pushed into a corner though. They’re pushing for me to be better in a good way.”

I nodded along. He gave me the opportunity for me to talk about what universities I was applying to. As always, he tried to convince me to go to a school with a good volleyball team so i could play.

“Hey, why are you upset?”

I blinked rapidly, his question washing over me like cold water.

How did he know?

“I’m not upset, Bokuto-san,” I responded, trying to slow my breathing.

My heart was beating faster as my mind scrambled for something, anything, to say to shake Bokuto’s interrogation.

When was he able to read me this well?

“How was your game with Nekoma yesterday?” Bokuto asked instead. He was narrowing down on everything that could have gone wrong in the last 24 hours.

I nodded my head, looking at the stack of books on my desk. “It went well,” I said. “We lost, but only barely. They have a pretty solid team while we’re still trying to get the first-years working in sync.”

Bokuto scratched his head. “Didn’t you say there was a really good first-year hitter?”

“Mamoru-kun.”

“Mamoru-kun! How is he doing?” Bokuto asked, light flashing in his eyes. “Is he giving you as much trouble as I gave you?”

I chuckled and shook my head. “Bokuto-san, you weren’t as troublesome as you thought you were,” I reassured him. “But, uh, Mamoru-kun is shaping up very well. Anahori-kun actually got to play quite a bit in the last set of the game as well.”

His eyes narrowed and a wide grin graced his face.

Ah, so he’s caught on.

“I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG!” he shouted. “What’s got you so wound up?”

“You seem awfully happy that I’m upset, Bokuto-san.”

“AGAASHEE!!!”

I sighed. “So there’s this,” I hesitated, “person that I’ve gotten close with. I asked them to help Yuka-chan with her manager duties--”

“Haha! You said duties!”

“--but yesterday they quit out of nowhere,” I finished, ignoring Bokuto’s comment. “I don’t know if it was something that I did wrong, or if the team was actually stressing them out.”

My mind flashed back to Onaga’s arm around Sasaki’s shoulders. I felt my blood boil thinking about how uncomfortable she looked.

Bokuto scratched his chin. “What does this have to do with you losing to Nekoma?” he asked. Didn’t you guys just play them last weekend at the training camp?”

“I think I just got nervous with them watching,” I admitted, not realizing that it was the truth until I said it. “It’s the first game that they’ve watched, and I really wanted to impress them.”

“Oh?”

I sighed. The storm that had been brewing in my mind for the past couple days was finally settling down into a soft drizzle.

“They’ve been really distant from me, but I can see the intelligence behind their eyes. I want to spend hours talking to them about literature and school. I want to ask them a million questions about how they think the universe works.”

Bokuto laughed heartily at me.

“Why are you calling me then?”

“Wha--”

“Bye Akaashi!” he shouted. “I think you know what to do!!!”

He hung up on me. I couldn’t believe he just hung up on me. My own face looked back at me in shock.

Bokuto’s voice echoed through my room, through my mind. The phrase repeated itself over and over again.

I know what to do.

I messaged Yuka-chan.

“Took you long enough,” she sent back before sending me what I asked for.

I didn’t ask her what she meant by that.

How did Yuka-chan and Bokuto-san catch onto my feelings before I did? I’m still not even sure just how I feel.

“Hi, it’s Akaashi Keiji,” I typed out.

The blinking cursor mocked me. My thumb rapidly deleted the message and tapped out a new one.

“Hey, it’s Akaashi.”

I sent the message, my stomach uneasy with nerves.

“Can I call you tonight?”

The bubble indicating that Sasaki was typing popped up almost immediately. I felt like I was going to throw up.

Throwing my phone on my desk, I wrung my hands.

My phone buzzed, and I scrambled to pick it up. I couldn’t have her thinking I left her on read.

“I’m about to shower, but you can call me in an hour.”

I sighed in relief.

She doesn’t think I’m weird.

My phone vibrated again. “Are you alright? Did you need something?” she asked.

“I’ll call you at 19:30,” I texted back.

I’ll just explain to her what I need when i call her. Perfect. I get to talk to her.

Why do I want to talk to her?

I spent most of the next hour killing time. I cleaned my room, though it didn’t need much cleaning. I walked to the kitchen and stared at the contents of my fridge. I sat on my bed, staring at my closet in contemplation before deciding that I didn’t need to change my shirt.

By 19:28 I was lying on the ground, staring at the clock on my phone.

Should I call her exactly at 19:30? What if she thinks that’s creepy? Should I call her a little bit sooner? What if she’s busy and misses the call? Should I call her a little bit later? What if she thinks I forgot to call?

I groaned in frustration, slamming my thumb down on the screen. I quickly put my phone on speaker and laid it down next to my head.

With each ring, the pounding in my chest felt louder. My stomach felt like it was trying to dig its way into the ground.

Why is this so nerve-wracking?

“Hello?” a voice called out from the speaker on my phone. “Akaashi-san?”

I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. “Hi, Sasaki-chan,” I replied.

Previous | Masterlist | Next

Taglist: [Open]

a/n: Most of this playlist/fic will be Dayglow songs. I love his music so much and they just vibe.

fun facts:

**I 100% made up Bokuto’s situation (I don’t know how pro sports works in Japan)

**Bokuto is Akaashi’s BEST FRIEND!!! just because he’s loud doesn’t mean he isn’t emotionally intelligent and knows what Akaashi needs!!!!

[nico-idc]

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that.  Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently. 

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why. 

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now. 

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression. 

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory. 

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions. 

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”. 

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on  whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt. 

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first. 

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

[schoolmascotbyday]

fred frederickson headcanons.

fred falls in love easily, with people, things, ideas, cities, you name it. he is full to the brim of love. there are very few things he hates, and even then ‘mild disgust’ is a more fitting term, just expect him to be extremely dramatic about being fed brussels sprouts when he doesn’t actually hate them all that much.

for parents that travel a lot, he hasn’t been many places. he’ll be invited on the occasional family trip, but for the most part he was left at home with his butler to look after him when his parents left on yet another business trip... or anniversary celebration... or friends’ yearly get away...

sometimes he fees quite abandoned by his parents but he knows they love him and it isn’t intentional. they’re just busy. too busy for him.

he LOVES comic cons. LOVES. LOVES. LOVES.

if there’s someone that enjoys a good conspiracy theory, it’s frederick frederickson iv. he may read a little too much in them, believing himself a superhero that has to stop the bad guys, so it’s no surprise to see him walking around town scanning the area and making accusatory expressions at random passerby. think nothing of it. he just wants to make sure the town is safe from any hidden evil.

fred was a school mascot at his last school and he loved every minute of it. he still has his costume.

he is a very affectionate person. touch is definitely one of his love languages. he’ll hug anyone. he’ll hold his best bro’s hand, he doesn’t care. but he does know boundaries and will keep his distance when it makes people uncomfortable.

fred has taught himself to speak japanese, which speaks to how smart he can be when he’s dedicated to a cause... like watching anime without subtitles.

he gets confused easily and his mind takes routes the normal person wouldn’t but he isn’t quite as ditzy as he seems.

he considers himself a master sign spinner. he’s actually quite good at it! he’s gotten some jobs spinning for local businesses, but he doesn’t need the money, he just enjoys learning new tricks and showing them off.

fred loves helping. it doesn’t matter how small or how big the task is, he just wants to lend a helping hand.

his music taste is quite diverse. his favorite songs range from come as you are by nirvana and barbie girl by aqua. literally. both are in his ‘top 100’ playlist.

when it comes to sexuality fred doesn’t put a label on it. he’s had girlfriends and boyfriends. gender means nothing to him.

gender roles also mean nothing to him. he’s definitely more on the masculine side when it comes to physical looks and style, but if he wants to sport a neon pink tutu then damn it he’s gonna sport a neon pink tutu. he will not conform.

this kid has no shame whatsoever. you cannot hurt his pride. impossible.

it isn’t that he necessarily loves having long hair, he’s usually just too lazy to cut it, and that’s the fred people have grown to know.

would love for people to refer to him as ‘fredzilla’. sometimes refers to himself as fredzilla.

most of his closet is made up of hand-me-downs. despite having six digits in his bank account he’ll go out dressed in a beanie, tee, jeans and an old pair of shoes with holes in them. he drives an old, beat down, paint-chipping-off, ripped-seats van around. the boy even coupons sometimes because he finds it fun. he does not look nor act the rich part and until people see his house they’d have no idea.

he donates to charities all the time. he has monthly subscriptions to many subjects he cares deeply about, he’ll make sure every fundraiser he goes to doubles their goal, he’ll find random gofundmes and send thousands. it’s always anonymous, too, if he can get away with it. he just loves to give. it’s definitely not about the attention as no one, not even his parents, know how much of his money he gives away.

okay, so maybe it’s not his money, but it technically is because his family makes sure he always has enough to not only live off of but buy everything he could want. they don’t question any of his spending habits. they are very, very well off. they don’t care as long as he’s happy.

what makes him happy is comic books and superhero merch.

he still plays pokemon go.

tw. as happy go lucky as he is, fred is also harboring some deeper emotions. when he lost tadashi he didn’t shed a tear. he held it together for his friends. everything that has ever hurt him has rolled right off of his back, but eventually the weight is going to be too much. eventually he’ll have to admit that he’s not made of steel and some things hurt.

he has very little trouble sleeping, if he chooses to go to bed then he can fall out in a matter of minutes. however he often chooses to stay up into the am, either playing video games or hoping for a call from his mom or dad wherever they are halfway across the world.

in his room, fred has a giant saltwater aquarium. he wanted a pet, and no one felt he was up for the responsibility of anything that didn’t require more than one feeding a day. so fish were the compromise, and much to his own surprise he’s kept them all alive and thriving. they’re good company. he talks to them sometimes when he’s feeling a little lonely.

when fred is in, he is all in.

he likes to write but he doesn’t feel it’s good enough, so he rarely shows anyone. he has deeply thought out plots and stacks of finished comic books he’s made on his own but he keeps them locked away from everyone but his own eyes. he doesn’t want to fail.

tw. while he may not have been as close to tadashi as some of the others, he was still one of his best friends. he was his main inspiration, and fred is honestly in denial that he’s gone. he’s so used to watching movies, playing games and reading books where the hero is always revived. never actually died. he can’t seem to completely get it through his thick skull that this is real life and what’s dead stays dead.

he has a different ringtone set for every person in his phone. even companies.

as chaotic as he can be and often tardy, fred makes sure all of his bills are paid in time. he can be responsible if he truly tries.

his bedroom is the size of most people’s living rooms and kitchens combined.

fred is quite buff to rarely eat healthy and not be into sports. he doesn’t go out of his way to exercise but he does often choose to walk rather than drive and enjoys physical activity like randomly cartwheeling around his backyard at seven am because he can.

speaking of, has a large fenced in backyard which is perfect for laying out under the stars and sleeping, or walking out back in his underwear whenever he wants.

he likes to think of himself as a master inventor but most of his ideas are so far out there no one takes him seriously.

he loves science but he doesn’t understand... really... anything...

the only broken bone he’s ever had was his left arm when he fell from halfway up a tree at seven years old and fractured it in several places because he was imitating a bat and lost balance. he chipped a tooth and got a concussion as well. heathcliff was the one to take him to the hospital because his parents were in france. they didn’t know he broke an arm for three weeks.

fred hates hyenine. he hates showers, hates baths, hates brushing his teeth, hates combing his hair. he feels it takes precious time out of his day, he’s lazy and is, a lot of the times, pointless. he isn’t gross, though, he’ll do it. he just isn’t happy about it and not ashamed to wear the same outfit for a week straight before washing it.

the boy struggles when it comes to simple tasks sometimes. common sense isn’t his cup of tea.

[radramblog]

Game of the Year 2020...?

Ive scrolled the list of games that came out this year to see what my GOTY ended up being, but turns out the only game I played in 2020 that released that year was, uh…….

Fucking good game but like I’m not gonna hand it GOTY by default (That goes to Hades, based solely impressions from other people). Actually, I’m not handing out any awards, really. So I guess I’m just gonna go over a bunch of the other games I did play last year, regardless of whether or not they came out then.

Hyrule Warriors: Definitive Edition

A mate got me this for my birthday in December 2019, and unlike the other games I got then (Kirby Star Allies which I burned through that month and Octopath which I still haven’t played) I spent a fair few hours playing it last year. This was before the sequel was announced, and also a little bit after the fact- figured I should try and finish one before playing the other. Unfortunately, I have yet to purchase Age of Calamity nor finish Definitive Edition, because the former is expensive and the latter is expansive. Holy shit there’s so much fucking content in this game. I don’t think I ever will finish it to be honest, though despite the repetitiveness it never really felt boring to me. It’s the only Warriors/Musou game I’ve played, and I’d be interested in trying others based on the experience.

(I’m not playing Fire Emblem Warriors though fuck that)

Pokemon Sword and Shield DLC: The Isle of Armor and the Crown Tundra

Sword and Shield felt somewhat lacking on release, and while the DLCs released this year did much to try and fix this its still a bit shit that it required an extra paycheck out of you to get the full game- outside of outsourced mobile games like Go and Shuffle, or services such as Bank or Home, Pokemon has never actually had DLC/microtransactions, so this was a little disappointing. I’d argue that it absolutely wasn’t worth it when Isle was released, as fun as the content was it was again, lacking. Crown Tundra I would argue exceeded my (admittedly low) expectations, however- the new and returning mons are cool and welcome (I despised Calyrex’s design on first reveal but their behaviour in story redeemed it more than enough), and the Max Lair Adventure offered a surprisingly replayable romp that has been great to just try and grind out with friends. I can’t say I’d recommend the DLC pack though- only if because you’ve probably made up your mind already as to whether or not you’re getting it, or this doesn’t apply to you at all. I could also put basically every main series Pokemon game on here, seeing as I’m pretty sure I nuzlocked every region at some point during the year, but I don’t want to make this *that* long. 

Super Smash Bros Ultimate Expansion Pass

Smash is still Smash. I don’t find myself playing it much on my own, and even in Perth get-togethers weren’t super common last year. As neat as the DLC characters released this year are for the franchise as a whole, none of them convinced me to play significantly more than usual, and I can’t wrap my head around half of them, so.

Also, I’m still salty about Byleth, and I actually really liked Three Houses, it was my first FE game. Why the fuck wasn’t it Claude????

Rivals of Aether

On the other hand, in the last few months I’ve found myself grinding match after match of Rivals with one of my best mates and the game is a fucking blast, holy shit. I still haven’t bought it for myself, but its basically 100% of the reason I have played 0 smash for the last few months since we’re too busy mashing Orcane vs Ranno over and over and not really getting tired of it. It requires a specific type of person to get into it, but if you’re in that group then its just an excellent game.

VA-11 Hall-A

I first played VA-11 Hall-A (Vallhalla, since typing that is a pain) by pirating it and playing it on my laptop in the dead of night.

It quickly became one of my favourite games of all time.

When the Switch port dropped, I felt obliged to actually pay for it this time around, since the developers had more than earned my money. And then I replayed it again, playing it on my switch in the dead of night (At least this time I had the excuse of being a nightshift worker). With the sequel unfortunately delayed into 2021, it might be time to run it back once more or drag more of my mates into Glitch City since I already forcibly exposed a few of em to it.

The post-credits title screen is still my phone background.

Fallout: New Vegas

I don’t really have much to say about FNV that hasn’t been said already, especially considering HBomberguy’s recently released video, but it is also on my top 5 list and I only got around to playing Lonesome Road and Dead Money this year. Also went out of my way to 100% achievement complete the game on Steam, which I believe is the first time I’ve done that for a game.

Zero Escape Series (Nine Hours Nine Persons Nine Doors, Virtue’s Last Reward, Zero Time Dilemma)

The Danganronpa series’ less colourful sibling, Zero Escape was a series I finally got around to finishing after having borrowed a friend’s copy of VLR back in high school and playing it wrong due to not deleting his save file (oops,). I think VLR remains my favourite, and I really hope the series continues at some point (unlikely as it seems now) considering how ZTD missed the mark pretty hard. The first 2 games are still excellent mystery games and a lot of fun, though you do need somewhat of a tolerance for words.

A Hat in Time

Oh god this game is so fucking cute. Also, just an excellent platformer. Is the DLC still on sale? I should buy that.

Fallout 4

Its just not New Vegas. It just isn’t. I really tried with this game, I really did. The gunplay is great, modding and building shit is fun, but its just not the same.

The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past

A couple years ago I bought a SNES Mini, but until 2020 I didn’t really have a convenient way of playing it seeing as my monitor didn’t have an HDMI port. But now I do have one with one, so I got to start playing this classic! And then stopped because of uni. Should finish that, probably.

Pokemon Super Mystery Dungeon

Shit Keara I still have your copy sorry I’ll get back to it :<

Pokemon Stadium

I also managed to get my N64 up and running, and despite being the wrong region for most of the games available in local shops, I somehow managed to get Stadium for a great price. Got to dig out my old Red cartridge and anything. Fuck me though, this game is brutal. Seriously, Gen 1 battle mechanics are tough to deal with at the best of times, having to do battle after battle with said mechanics without losing is just nuts. I still haven’t managed to get Round 2 unlocked.

God, fuck you Blaine. Goddamn fire spin Rapidash motherfucker.

Super Mario 64 Speaking of, I managed to pick up a Japanese cartridge of SM64, complete with BLJ glitches and 3 entire save files. After much effort, I managed to actually get it working, and spent most of the night of Christmas getting smashed and trying to beat Bowser in the Fire Sea. I played a lot of the DS remake as a kid, and I feel like an idiot for struggling as much I did with the original.

This is all of course a buildup to the fact that I was lying about not assigning a GOTY. Because there is only one N64 game in my small collection deserving of Game of the Year, because its deserving of Game of the Year every year since its 1999 release.

BEETLE ADVENTURE RACING MOTHERFUCKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER

[mothmansrevolt]

LU girl Scout 2 au electric boogaloo

i gotta lot of stuff on four cause ive been writing a fanfic off and on. I keep forgetting the different Karen names as well.

⦁ They meet in a barn on Lon Lon Ranch or in the park. Time keeps a whiteboard of running rules and ideas. Many of these include things the group is not allowed to do. ⦁ All of them involve fire. ⦁ One of them is a rule banning certain people, Dark is definitely on his list as well as a tentative rule on Shadow. Anyone named Karen who enters the barn will immediately be exterminated. ⦁ Dark and Shadow have an emo band with actually good but really edgy music? ⦁ This band has no set name but does have a youtube channel called _Cracked_Mirror_ ⦁ Four is the camera man and often appears VERY confused in the background music videos. They make music and vlogs and Kaaren disapproves. ⦁ Four and Hyrule are local cryptids. Twilight is the cryptid tamer. Wild is believed to get you an autograph from the cryptids for five bucks. Legend is halfway a cryptid halfway a nuisance. Time is the ultimate cryptid. At least six different paranormal teams have come after them and have all found evidence surrounding the troop. There is currently a blog run by Legend and Warriors about the evidence surrounding the troop and it is extremely ludicrous ⦁ "Kazoo Kawaii" is a patch they all have and regret immensely ⦁ Hyrule has a GPS keeping track of him. He doesn't use it because he enjoys exploration. Four often has to go with Twilight to grab him. Its not uncommon to see a disgruntled guy in overalls being trailed by a tiny child stomping through the woods. ⦁ Unofficial patch "clapping ass cheek run" is the reason why Wind is not allowed to make patches anymore. Only Legend owns this patch and is VERY proud. Warriors is salty. ⦁ "best mom" is a patch they made just to give to Malon. She cried and hugged them all. ⦁ Tetra is perpetually confused by girlscouts. Her and her gang of 'pirates' aid Wind in his quest to be the very best girlscout that no one ever was and it is not helping nor working in the slightest. ⦁ Tetra is banned from helping directly after a patch for tracking led to them all stalking a prominent citizen and accidently bringing into the light a huge affair that destroyed the entire company. ⦁ Karen actually has partial legal gaurdianship over Four. Nobody knows how. Four's grandfather has many friends in town keeping the word from getting to Karen. ⦁ Vaati and Octavo are Karen's sons who have no idea what the fuck is going on but do know they are related to Four. They don't really get along, its very tense but the brothers do actively keep Four away from Karen because they don't like their mom and they feel kinda bad. It becomes a bad game of Karen after Four in two different ways. give this poor child a break please ⦁ They have a running deal of Vaati driving Four around in exchange for cookies. ⦁ People think the Links are very different from their girlscout counterparts. Its very confusing. The Karen squad only knows that Twilight, Legend, and Warriors are actually Links. ⦁ Sky volunteers at the local bird shelter and is absolutely thriving. His community service patches are earned there. ⦁ People do not fear the links, they fear the hylia scouts. They have teamed up on local bullies who go after their friends and beat their asses in skirts. ⦁ Sky is the most feared because he pulled the master knife on someone once when they threatened his friends and were insulting them. Nobody makes the tiny ones sad. no one. ⦁ The 'master knife' is just a really rad swiss army knife thats exremly good and hard to use. ⦁ The goddess bow is a slingshot. ⦁ All of the links are masters at these weapons. ⦁ Malon works full time at the farm but used to work in child social services for a good few years. She is actively keeping Karen away from Four as well and its the reason why Four became so close to her family and Twilight was allowed to babysit him. ⦁ Yes Four is old enough to stay home alone. No this is not  good idea hence Twilight and Wild. Wind is also old enough to stay home alone and will often watch Aryll and hang at Four's house.  ⦁ The town "minish" is actually a huge group of mice, like somehow highly trained mice that has collectively adopted Four. Do not upset Four. You will find mice will regret this. ⦁ Forest minish are a collection of mice and racoons. They have also adopted Four. ⦁ Ezlo will attack people if need be. He also tends to 'talk' a lot in place of Four, which often involves him squawking and chirping loudly at whoever. Four translates as he chooses. ⦁ Wolfie is more wolf than dog, may even be just a full on wolf. nobody, not even animal control, knows. ⦁ The Links get around through bicycles just because their numbers inconvenience the Karens' minivans. Half can't even effectively ride a bike so really its just them walking everywhere with the bikes or lying face down on the road. ⦁ Some of the bikes are bedazzled. ⦁ The karens will compare themselves to the three golden goddesses which is a big no no to many. ⦁ Twilight is undecided on his major but is leaning to learning agriculture and business to help the family farm. ⦁ Wild plans to go into cooking! he's a damned good one to. ⦁ There's a special order on the secret cookie list that is just homemade cookies from Wild. There's also pot brownies from who knows. They just kind of show up? There isn't that much pot in them? Malon is freaking out over this. There's a running bet among the scouts, many think its Tetra. ⦁ Everyone has a special blanket at Lon Lon Ranch and they all basically live there ⦁ Four is really ahead in school and doesn't understand the concept of summer. Even though he and the 'girls' go to girl scout summer camp. He just thinks you are in school all year because he just continues lessons all year. ⦁ Sky is thought to be the biggest lesbian (next to Warriors) because he won't shut up about how much he loves his girlfriend. Alternatively everyone thinks Zelda is cheating on Sky with... Sky... ⦁ They have to refer to themselves out of uniform as Link. Usually they use their nicknames when alone together or with the farmers in the surrounding area, because the farmers know. they know all. ⦁ There's an "annoy a karen for a day" patch. ⦁ they have twenty. ⦁ Each. ⦁ Warriors is on a lot of sports team and is captain of all of them. Time is coach of the football team even though he has never played football. They have gone to nationals so many times. ⦁ Four, while not actively in “legit” highschool, still often hangs around the campus much to the hate of the security guards. they can never catch him. Its often that a teacher will turn around and realize Four has joined them in the .5 seconds they weren't looking. ⦁ Every week there's an extremely awkward dinner between the troops in the area where Time struggles to upstage the karens. Wild cooks backup food because Time can't cook, Malon refuses, the karen's only bring really bland food because apparently spices aren't a part of their diet. Wild cooks some damned good vegan food for the Karens ⦁ Time owns a "Proud Scout Dad leader" shirt that he wears everywhere. He also has a mug with #2 dad. Ezlo is #1 dad and Time is fine with this. They also always get family discounts wherever they go.

[doctormono]

00:00:00:00:14:59

It was easier when I was a kid. Maybe because I didn’t understand what I was seeing. Everybody had numbers over their head, counting down to zero. It wasn’t until I was around nine years old that I understood it was counting down to each person’s time of death, or Life Counter as my video game addled internal monologue got used to calling them. Most people had years, decades even on their life counter. When I was twelve, I realized my mother’s life counter only had a couple years left, so I spent every day I could with her and visibly watched my efforts add a few more years to her life before cancer finally took her. But our relationship had delighted her enough to make those last few years fill her with pride and ease. I could not have asked for more. When I was young, I wondered if there was a religious connection. My Presbyterian upbringing had no words for what I saw, so I began to discard that idea out of hand. I understood the Life Counter’s connection to decisions and well-being by the time I was eighteen. We were having a graduation party and Tommy Sanders was drinking way too much. As I watched, his counter dropped from four decades, to twenty minutes in less than an hour. I tried to keep him at the party and sometimes, my arguments would cause his Life Counter to pause while he considered my words. But his drunkenness won the battle and he tried to drive home. He wrapped his car around a telephone pole less than a mile away from the party. When I got there, I held his hand as he died. I watched his Life Counter drop to its final few digits and spoke soothing words to ease him along. In the reflection of the passenger side window, I saw a year add to my own Life Counter. Then I understood. It was game balancing. This wasn’t an ability given from a divine presence, this was a dev team working the kinks out of their game. From that point on, I took Life Counters more seriously. I went to school for nursing and dedicated my life to helping others deal with their counters running out. I even specialized in oncology nursing and found a position at a local hospital ward that specialized in palliative care. Sometimes, I was able to help my patients to make good decisions and add months or even years to their counters. But more often than not, I was simply an ear or shoulder to help them in the hardest of times. People talk about the clinical side of our vocation- that we can separate ourselves from our patients and stay professional. That’s bullshit. I fell in love with each and every one of my patients, especially near the end when all pretense was gone and many just wanted someone to know who they really were. I had my favorites- a little boy named Juan that I was able to help gain years on his prognosis by delighting him with my boyfriend’s Star Wars costume group appearances, or Andrea who reminded me so much of my mother and hearing her stories added a week and a half to her Life Counter. But most importantly, was Sister Margaret. Margaret, or Maggie to her friends, was in her nineties. She’d come under doctor’s instruction with expectation of end of life care, but here was a 93-year-old nun with 34 years left on her Life Counter. I wanted to ask how that was even possible, but I knew the moment I first brought a meal to her room, that she could see Life Counters too. I didn’t speak of it at all. I avoided being alone with her as long as possible until I had to help her with adjusting her IV tube. “You’re not immortal, you know,” she said as if we were in the middle of a conversation. I’d thought she had been sleeping. “I’m sorry?” “You’re not immortal. Sure, you have a heads up onto how long you have left, but that number goes both ways, Child.” I sat on the edge of her bed and looked deep into her eyes. “Nancy,” I said with a tap on my nametag. “But I’ve been sick before, and it never seemed to affect my Life Counter.” “Is that what you call it?” She laughed a bit and placed one of her hands on mine. It felt cold, and I cupped it in both of mine to keep it warm. “I always called it the Clock.” Without realizing it, both of our Life Counters rose. We went on to discuss how it worked, and what it implied. She had found a place for her in the Church as she studied what the Clock meant. She’d been convinced that we were something akin to Grim Reapers, Ankou, or even something like Mot or Charon. I understood about half of it. In turn, I explained my video game theory and she agreed that giving us a benefit could just be “Game Balancing” but she emphasized that we could make the same bad decisions as the departing and lose years on our counters in the blink of an eye. She was right, of course. Later that week, after a twenty-hour shift, I’d just put on my coat and pulled out my keys for the thirty-minute drive home when I passed by Maggie’s door and heard her shriek from within. “NANCY!” I stopped and ran into her room. She was staring above my head. “Twenty-five minutes.” I looked in a mirror, the bags under my eyes had bags. But over my head, my Life Counter read “00:00:00:00:24:48” I stepped back and almost fell onto her bed. “You won’t be driving home tonight,” she said gesturing at the couch in her room. “You won’t make it.” I agreed. But when I woke, I found that Maggie had left in the night. It was a long time later that I truly understood. She’d only agreed to accept her doctor’s request because she would be needed. For me. Balancing. The Dev Team was on their game. With all that had come in recent months, I couldn’t stay at the oncology ward upstate much longer. I took a leave of absence long before Covid-19 hit our shores to help out at NYU Medical Center in the heart of the city. Somehow, I knew it was coming. It wasn’t a side quest; this was the main storyline mission. But a month into the outbreak in NYC, and I didn’t feel like I was helping enough. My counter hadn’t risen in weeks, and worse of all the bodies were beginning to pile up. We’d needed to order a refrigerated trailer just to house what we couldn’t fit in our overflowing morgue. It was Friday. I left the room we kept a seven-year-old boy named Tyler in. He was positive for corona virus and not responding well to treatment. His counter said he had just over two days. He was still coherent but in isolation, and could barely breathe with the ventilator. But worst of all, his parents were not allowed in the hospital. We skyped them daily, but ultimately this child was dying alone, surrounded by anonymous doctors and nurses with masks and gloves, without understanding why. Nothing I’d tried had helped in the least. It was all I could do to keep the tears at bay. I still had more patients to visit on my rounds, including a new tenant two rooms down. I changed my gloves and mask before checking on them. It was Maggie. But My elation was short lived as I realized her counter had only four days left. “Maggie?” Her eyes eased open and took a while to focus on me before she feebly said “Nancy?” “Maggie,” I began exasperated. “You should still have another twenty-five years or so. What happened?” Maggie huffed as she struggled to find words without her ventilator. “It’s worse, Nancy… Worse than polio. I had to open our doors. Help who I could. The Clock be damned.” I explained what had happened here at NYU. I talked about my patients, how I didn’t seem to be helping. I cried about Tyler. I could feel how cold Maggie’s hand was through my glove. “It’s not about their Clocks anymore, Nancy. It’s…not even about.. yours. The Final Boss. It takes a risk to beat. And some risks, we don’t beat.” I understood. When I left her room that night, I took off my gloves and mask. I sat by Tyler’s bed and I held his small hand against my cheek until he woke. “Hi there,” I began. “I’m your nurse, Nancy. And I’m going to stay here with you.” Tears followed well-worn tracks on his cheeks as he smiled weakly. “But you’ll run out of time.” “I don’t care,” I admitted through the well of tears. And I didn’t. My Life Counter would reach zero sooner than I’d expected, but in the end, it gave him more time on his.

[shinsukenaka80]

Request: Got Milk?

@marabellechilds0805

“Is too late to request a fanfic ive just come back of my holiday. If not could you write me a fanfic of Shinsuke being poorly or injured and the reader is looking after him? If you can do that you are the best 😊😊😊😊”

Note: I really like writing humorous cute stories about Shinsuke, especially when I’m not feeling my best right now and I thought the concept “Got Milk?” would be funny so I used it. I hope you guys like it!

“SHINSUKE!,” I called as I struggle to walk in the door with a bunch of shopping bags.

As I turned to shut the screen door, I heard something fall to the floor and break. I look to see it was the vase that my mom had bought me as a gift, which was not cheap. She’s gonna kill me. I’m pretty sure I’ve dropped a few bags on the porch but I refuse to take a second trip to the car, I refuse! I look up to see Shinsuke limp his way out of the living room to see what all the commotion was about. His eyes grew wide once he saw the amount of bags was carrying.

“Um, baby? Why do you have all those bags?,” Shinsuke said confused.

“I told you was going to the store!”

“Yeah, you said you were going to the store for some milk. I see everything else but the milk,” Shinsuke said slowly.

My eyes widened then I slapped my hand on my forehead, dropping the bags I was holding.

“You forgot the milk, didn’t you?,” Shinsuke chuckled.

I have no idea how I managed to buy all this stuff yet the one thing I originally went to the store for, I somehow forgotten it. I don’t even remember what I needed the milk for.

“Baby, it’s ok. I’ll help you-,” Shinsuke started to say, limping towards me.

I held up my hand,” AH AH AH! You better stop right there, mister! I got it,” I said, making him stop in his tracks.

“Let me help-“

“NO! Go sit down, you’re supposed to be resting your leg!”

“Baby,” Shinsuke started.

I stared at him to let him know that I was serious but like always, he ignores me.

“Shinsuke, stop!”

“What all did you buy?,” he asked grabbing the bags from hands, turning to limp back to living room.

“Why don’t you ever listen to me?”

“Because.” I waited for him to finish but he just left it at that. I sighed.

I grabbed the rest of the bags and took them to the living room. Shinsuke was already going through all the bags.

“Did you even go to the grocery store? I don’t see any groceries?,” Shinsuke said, teasingly.

“Yes Shinsuke, I went to the grocery store,” I said mockingly, lifting up two small grocery bags.

“And still forgot the milk?,” Shinsuke said laughing.

“Will you please shut up? I’m trying here! And can you please sit down?! You’re supposed to be resting your leg,” I said loudly, only making Shinsuke laugh even more.

“It’s just a sprained knee. It won’t hurt to walk around for a little. I’ve been doing nothing but sitting since I’ve been home, I need to move around,” Shinsuke said still looking in the bags.

I won’t forget that night, it scared the living daylights out of me. Shinsuke was going against Bobby Roode for the NXT Championship when Shinsuke did one of his knee signature moves off the top rope and fell to the floor awkwardly, holding his left knee to his chest. It made me nervous but then he got back in the ring and kept going. He then did his finishing move Kinshasa, with the injured knee, which made him scream. It scared me because I knew then as it sunk in, it was real. Shinsuke was injured. I couldn’t do anything but watch in horror as he screamed in pain. I cringed, not knowing what to do. Officials kept trying to make Shinsuke forfeit but Shinsuke got back in the ring.

I just shook my head. Damn Shinsuke and his stubbornness. He tried to stand back up but he fell back down. I see Roode started taking advantage of Shinsuke’s injury. My heart was beating out of my chest but I was so in shock by what I was witnessing, I was silent.

Roode put Shinsuke in a Half Camel Clutch, putting more pressure on his knee. Officials screamed for Roode to stop but the match isn’t over yet, there’s only so much they could do. The only way for it to stop is if Shinsuke gave up, he’s not gonna give up that easily unfortunately. My hands landed on top of my head in disbelief, grabbing my hair, I wanted to scream, I wanted it to stop, and I couldn’t do anything. Shinsuke stayed in the hold, screaming in agony but still refused to tap. ‘Baby, please! Baby, just let it go! It’s not worth it!,’ I said to myself wishing more than anything for this torture to stop.

Roode had enough waiting for Shinsuke to tap and hit Shin with his finishing move. Shinsuke lost the belt but I was more concerned about injury. I never ran so fast in my life! I met Shinsuke in the back as he was being helped by officials. His injury, luckily, was just sprain but he will be out of wrestling for a whole month. Shinsuke, obviously, was not pleased about the news.

I’ve been trying to be the best partner I could be by making sure his recovery was as comfortable, relaxing, and fun as it possibly can. And I admit, I’ve been going overboard lately but I just want him to feel better.

“Wait what?,” I said confused, making me slip out of my memories from a week ago.

“I asked how much you spend on this stuff?,” Shinsuke said finally sitting back down on the couch.

“Don’t worry about it. But I bought some more pain medication. I got some hats for your collection. I got another travel briefcase, just in case you break the one you have,” I said with a knowing look, it’s gonna happen. His briefcase has been through hell and back in the past decade he’s had it, it’s bound to breakdown eventually.

Shinsuke glared at me,” I don’t need another briefcase. The one I have is fine, how many times do I need to tell you this?”

“And how long do you plan on being in denial? Anyways, I bought some video games from GameStop. I got Bandicoot and I told you I’m gonna get you to play Outlast. I even got some Mario games, I know you like those!”

Shinsuke rolled his eyes but I ignored him.

“I got some more massage oils for more back massages. I got some more Axe body wash but I also got some bath bombs, I found a cherry blossom fragranced one, I think you’ll like that. I got some more Icy Hot to massage your knee with. By the way, I asked your mom to send me some homemade recipes. I went and got some ingredients for that.”

“Wait, you talked to my mom?,” Shinsuke asked stunned.

“Well yeah, I called her this morning on the way to the store, I thought it would be good idea to cook some of your favorite homemade foods. My cooking won’t be exactly like your mom’s but I think I can try it. I’ve never cooked Japanese food before. You can help me. Also, you’re mom said to call her when you get a chance. OH, I almost forgot!,” I said jumping up. Quickly grabbing the car keys and going to outside. So much for not making two trips to the car. I opened the trunk and grabbed the box I’d forgotten, I ran back inside and dropped it between me and Shin on the couch.

“Baby, what the hell?,” Shinsuke said examining the box.

“It’s a muscle reliever! You put the sticky dots on whatever tensed part of your body and it relieves your muscles. Do want to try it on your knee or maybe your back? We could use this as I give you a massage later. Oh yeah, I got some Jasmine and Lavender scented candles! I figured you’d like those! Oh yeah, another thing-,” I started but Shinsuke interrupted me.

“Baby! Just stop for a second, ok?,” Shinsuke said, looking at me crazy.

“What? What’s wrong?,” I said, confused by the look the on his face.

He just looked at me with a smirk slowly growing on his face.

“What, Shinsuke?,” I asked getting slightly impatient. I don’t understand why he’s looking at that way.

He put the muscle reliever on floor next to him then grabbed my waist, pulling me close to him,” I’m starting think you like to spoil me,” he said smiling.

I smiled back at him. He gave me a short yet passionate kiss, making me feel all fuzzy on the inside.

“How much did you spend on this stuff?,” he asked again.

“Don’t worry, it doesn’t matter because I will do anything to make sure you have a quick relaxing enjoyable recovery! Even if I have to spend over two thousand dollars,” I said the last part quietly, looking away from.

“Wait, say that again?,” Shinsuke asked.

“The point is that, you need to get better and I’m gonna help you!,” I said quickly, pretending I didn’t hear his question.

“You spent two thousand dollars? Today, alone or in the past week?,” Shinsuke said lowly, in disbelief.

I bit my lip,” Today but it was for a good cause! And I really tried my hardest to stay on a budget, I really did, but I got carried away when I got to Target. That place is evil, I’m telling you! It’s just rude to have these nice stuff sitting around waiting to be bought when you just needed some damn milk and pain meds!,” I said falling back on the couch with a huff of defeat.

“Let me get this straight, you left to get some milk. You went to the grocery store and bought the ingredients my mom gave you on the way and forgot the milk. So after doing extra stops you had no business doing, you stopped by Target for the milk but walked past the grocery section no telling how many times picking up other stuff and still managed to forget the milk. Wow.”

I glared at him,” Whatever, I’ll get some milk tomorrow so you leave me alone.” I got up to go in the kitchen to start dinner.

“You amaze me,” Shinsuke laughed.

“Whatever, Shinsuke!,” I said from kitchen.

“Hey, got milk?,” Shinsuke said from the living room and laughed even harder.

“I can’t stand you, Shinsuke!,” I said, chuckling myself.

“I still love you!”

“I love you too!”

[dynamitekrp]

SEARCHING FOR DAWN . . .

PUBLIC PROFILE

birthday: april 3, 1995 years trained: 5 position: lead vocal

CAREER

2017 king of masked singer appearance, “whale hunting” cover 2018 what’s wrong with secretary kim ost, just a little bit more  2019 the crowned clown ost, tell me  2019 pepsi commercial collab “blossom” 2020 hidden singer, panelist (current, multi episode)

IMAGE

when puzzle debuts, dawon gets a new name. alongside it, she gets a new self. it feels like her stage outfits - ill fitting and poorly suited to her. the polished, youthful elegance of their concept is painted overtop a girl more familiar with bike shorts and skinned knees than lip gloss and tennis skirts. it’s not that she doesn’t look the part. after all the styling, of course she does. she can fake it too - smiles sweetly and brightly on stage, easily enough sacrifices her dignity for aegyo. but it never feels right, never fits. she fidgets against the constraints every so often, pushing at the envelop here and there. 

years pass and her image matures- ostensibly, it grows along with her growth, but even this in itself is a lie. she’s heard somewhere that you end up frozen emotionally at the point at which you became famous, and at least for herself she wonders if this isn’t true. so much of her still feels like she did back then. overeager, brash, over enthusiastic, entirely too desperate to be loved and to feel certain in that love. she’s chasing a high each day that passes, seeking validation in the eyes and on the lips of strangers. 

it’s a catch twenty two, to be loved as dawn and to know that dawn is loved, and to know also and irrevocably that she is not dawn, that she is something wilder and less polished. she hides behind a facade of quiet elegance to disguise the fact that she says the wrong thing at the wrong times, sticks her foot in her mouth as much as anyone - more even. they play up an elegant actress beauty and she hides inside it like a cloak, loved for this image of someone with a mysterious charm. the reality of dawon is much less impressive, an awkward girl who had never been given time or opportunity to grow into herself, a duckling struggling to find her footing, not yet the swan that lisn would claim her to be.

in time, dawn flourishes.  she becomes used to the cameras. a late bloomer, maybe, she grows into the name, that fresh and soft brightness, that promising youthfulness. she’s all the energy of a brand new day and all the softness of early morning bird song. she’s quippy and bright and she learns to strike the balance between funny enough to get air time and so over the top that it’s going too far. dawn does better and better, growing into her costume after all these years. her voice trains up, becomes fuller and more even, stable and clear. she becomes more marketable, more recognizable, and in turn more sought after. 

as for dawon, no one thinks all that much of  her. 

BACKGROUND

picture this: you’re fourteen years old, with skinned knees and a grass stained tennis skirt, bike shorts underneath. your bike itself is at home - you took the bus here, skateboard under your arm. now, it rolls beneath your feet, a clatter-bump over the asphalt as wind rushes through your hair. there isn’t an anime-protagonist character bandaid on your cheek to cover a cut, but there is a scrape half scabbed, hidden on your temple, and when you brush your hair tonight (five quick sweeps that rip through your hair before you tumble onto rumpled sheets) you’ll probably pull the rest off, leaving a smear of blood. your t-shirt is your older brother’s and it’s two big, three seasons too old to be cool. 

but you’re happy. wind burns your cheeks and whips through your hair. you can smell the sunlight as it beats down against the pavement, refracting off the delicate, fractal waves of the han, stretching out beside you. 

the world feels like it could still mean something, like you could have a purpose here. 

it’s that feeling so many young adults have, the feeling of being a protagonist, someone who might have a reason to be alive, rather than simply living as part of cosmic circumstance. as if you might matter. 

this feeling of self importance is naive. 

this hopeful and passionate worldview is dangerous.

it makes you out to be more than you are. 

this is the picture of jung dawon when she is first approached, in her hometown of seoul, at a skate park along the side of the river, by a casting agent for view entertainment. she’s never had a reason not to believe in something better for herself. she’s a child born into positive enough circumstance - a single mother, widowed, by a man she remembers in shadows and the warm impression of his voice. an older brother, doting but overbearing, who looks out for her. she gets decent grades at school, she has a cluster of equally well meaning but underperforming friends, and life is good. youth stretches before her like an endless summer day, with all the promise in the world. 

so when they tell her she’s beautiful, that she’s graceful, and has she tried dancing? can she sing, at all? when she confidently replies “in the shower, sure” with all the wit of a fourteen year old girl and when they laugh nicely along with the joke, it seems like a fairy tale. and that fairy tale seems like her birthright.

she’s always felt different, she tells herself as she skates home, wind rushing past her ears. she’s always known she was meant for something different, something better. this is it, she thinks, holding the business card in her hand that night, under the shadowed canopy of a mosquito net, a not-quite decoration for a not-quite princess. this changes everything. 

and, honestly, it does. 

view entertainment accepts her with open arms and her training begins. what seems promising at first becomes gruelling, what seems like a bright future turns dark, and scandal blots out the time she’s spent clawing her way forward with the company. in the end, she’s traded to lisn like an old toy, a hand me down dress passed on to the next in line. 

lisn trainees resent her, she thinks, resent the two of them, for coming in late to the game, for sweeping into the lineup. so what, they’ve had more time to train. they weren’t even cast by the company, not formally. this is where the imposter syndrome begins. lisn had clearly been seeking out a certain kind of girl - delicate and lovely, strong and elegant. dawon would not describe herself as any of these things, though not for lack of trying. if she’s not dancing or skating she might as well be falling on her face, and she loses her glasses almost as much as she loses her phone. she’s a disaster on two legs, she has trouble making friends, and half the time she’s too cooped up in her dorm or in the practice room to try. 

debut is hard. 

they tell her it will be hard, but it’s worse than she had ever imagined. it’s exhausting right out of the gate- even before that, starting with the diet they put them on to get them slimmed down for the music video, and dawon is lightheaded and spiralling off stage. no one cares, of course - they all are. she starts to wonder if she’d ever even really wanted this at all, if this had been a good plan. 

but it’s too late to turn back now, she’s got seven years on her contract and a world of performing and struggling ahead of her. time is kind to puzzle. debut goes well and things only look up after that. slowly, dawon settles into dawn. for awhile, she loses herself. it’s a blur of days, of practice, of obsessively reading every comment she can find about them, about her. it’s vocal training until she’s raw and ragged, it’s dancing until her knees lock up, it’s dragging herself from schedule to schedule until she’s on an iv drip. 

time passes, and she grows. she bears up under the pressure with a resolute and stubborn tenacity. she claws herself up after each set back and oh, there are many. she dedicates herself to her group, to her image, to her lies. to the picture of a girl like the dawn, dew fresh and blue skies clear. soft sunlight and the distant, abating mist. the buyout is sudden, for her, so tunnel vision focused on the present that she barely thinks of the future, hanging on from one day to the next. going back to view should feel like a triumphant return, but all she can remember is how these halls had once held so much hope for her, of how different the world had been back then. brighter, warmer, clearer. the future had seemed so simple. work hard and then succeed - how could she have imagined such a simple world to be true? it had been the story told her at bed time and by teachers, that anyone can succeed with effort, that she was special, that she was meant for great things. but now, in upheaval and uncertainty, dawon knows that no one was meant for anything. dawon knows, most of all, that she knows nothing. staring, aching-limbed and exhausted at the darkness of the ceiling, she can’t help but wonder. 

had she really wanted this? had she known, back then when she’d signed her youth away, what she wanted at all? 

[swampgallows]

i just woke up, it’s close to noon here, five hours is good enough i guess. i keep thinking about college and how fucking suicidally depressed i was then and how ive spent half of this year being unemployed and generally just struggling to take care of myself in the most banal and basic ways possible, and how depression really does just delete years from your life. you live through them in a daze,  you’re already a ghost, you’re already dead. questing in wrath of the lich king is honestly some of the last shit i remember concretely before going into a two year gray area of passing my classes and nothing else. i remember breaking up with my boyfriend because he chose raiding over me. i dont want to talk about it again. the memory is still painful. still, even still, ten years later. and in late 2008 i was attacked in my dorm room and i was screaming and my roommates thought i was being a big ol slut. they thought any guy that came over was someone i was fucking. when i went to blizzcon in 2008 and my brother stayed in my dorm they thought i was fucking him too until i told them he was my little brother. they tried so fucking hard to suppress my interests and make me “like them”. “there’s more to life than world of warcraft and pokemon” they said as if going to college basketball games and rewatching disney movies has any more enrichment or depth beyond what i was fucking doing. my life is so full of hatred, from myself, from other people, just being fostered in me in general, and it’s only within the last few years that i’ve gotten to heal from it at all, all the time being hurt more and more

i was talking to a friend yesterday who is just 19 and thinking about where i was when i was 19, which of course puts me in 2009 again, the year i dropped out of existence, and i was telling them about how i was essentially raised by the ilk of 4chan and the piece of shit community on wow that, like, since i’m around ~liberal genderqueer~ tumblr-type spaces all the time, genuinely shocks me to remember still exists, of those fucking hypermasculine overcompensating military dudes. and we were talking about how like, nerds in general tend to have shit social skills or anxiety or are Othered in ways that have them reinforce this piece of shit pecking order where the loudest and meanest proclaim themselves the Leader and everyone just follows them because theyre too meek to challenge them or they mistake arrogance for confidence and assume any asshole crowing that loud about how Right they are all the time Must Be Right. 

and i thought of my own life, my ex QP, my old friend groups, my abusive ex boyfriend, how i mistook so long their malice as strength, how i was duped by their self-aggrandizement. they had no skills, no talents, no girlfriend (except when i dated them), no women in their lives in general, no real friends they could count on (except, for my abuser, an older man with 3 children and a brand new divorce whose house he muscled and manipulated himself into—”i cant even bear to be in the old master bedroom anymore”—and my abuser promptly MOVED HIMSELF INTO IT) no hobbies, and the one or two hobbies that they had—fishing, video games—they were fucking less-than-passable at. my ex-qp wasn’t good at video games. he would use cheat codes or just play the strongest character and rely on everyone else to pick up his slack. warrior, carry, tank, what have you; all of us his underlings to support him to victory—”I’m doing all of the damage and getting none of the kills”—he would whine, oblivious to the concept of teamwork and seeking credit within the only realm he had a semblance of succeeding in. 

anyway so when i first joined tumblr i swung the pendulum in the other direction because i absolutely had to, it was for my survival to become a virulent feminazi as they put it, and i was obnoxious about it, and i reposted rape statistics all the time and challenged people all the time because i had to. i had to let it overtake me in order to purge all of the 10+ years of toxic social conditioning that places like 4chan and their little infestations in WoW and all of my abusive partners instilled in me. i had to be vocal about rape this and sexual assault that because i spent the better part of my adolescence trying to laugh away the fact that i was raped as a child, trying to make jokes about my “delicious flat chest” and pedobear and “surprise buttsecks/it’s not rape if you yell surprise” and “delicious loli”; some of the images i had willingly saved on my ancient hard drive are absolutely harrowing to go through now as an adult knowing my mushy impressionable 14 year old traumatized mind was trying to cope with and gloss over what had happened to me and with the future i was facing as a budding adolescent in this kind of environment. men didnt want to be responsible for what happened to me or with what would happen to me, it made them uncomfortable for me to talk about it, so i was told to laugh it away, that nobody cares that i was raped, that i was stronger if i could just laugh about it, that no topics were beyond reproach or off limits, and that if i wasnt desensitized to my own suffering then i was weak, i was a sheep, i was a burden, i was letting my emotions get the better of me.

obviously, tumblr as a whole DIRECTLY acts in opposition of this: everything is rooted in our traumas, which we are expected to lay bare for all to be taken seriously: 4chan demanded that we invalidate the trauma by making a joke of it and allowing the masses to pick it apart for their own entertainment, to become part of the anonymous “legion” by offering up our individuality to be consumed by the group (as a currency of “lulz”, basically); tumblr, reflexively, demands we validate the trauma by making it an open and public integral asset to our identity, to have easily digestible and categorized characteristics so as to fit into the tumblr hierarchy of needs, their own misinterpreted facsimile and microcosm of existing systematic oppression, and obtain a sort of fixed currency of privilege or “woke points” dependent on identity politics. so i definitely needed to purge my previous conditioning with this reclamation of my identity as a survivor, etc, and had about 7 years of misplaced anger and fury condensed into a good two or so years instead, and even now im still parsing details. 

it wasnt until i was 22 that i had even heard the term asexuality and it wasnt until i was 25 that i realized i was bi (or “could be” bi), even though i had already been in love with and sexually active with women years prior lmao. i had been told by every possible source that having a dick inside me would change my life and change my outlook and change me into a better person or whatever the fuck, that i would “understand” and “grow up” and “become a woman” or whatever and guess what it did fucking NOTHING, just like every teen drama romance or whatever tries to stress over and over, sex is not a magical lifechanging event that hands you a million dollars and a healthy brain. it changes your life in some ways and it’s definitely not something to be taken lightly but in no way is it a cure for anything.

i dont know where i’m going with this, im just fucking pissed off about my life, im pissed off that healing takes so long and that i had to do any of it in the first place. im so pissed about all of my time wasted with this fucking piece of shit body and fucking piece of shit brain and i wish i could just go back to work and be a functional human being but im like just a short leap away from doing any of that. i have to get in touch w my previous HMO once the new year starts now that im confirmed for medi-cal, and i should have done it months ago, but i have to just accept that this whole time ive been not USELESS but just utterly CONSUMED by self-preservation, that it is taking most of my effort to want to be alive and stay on this planet any longer. especially now with my teeth bugging me so bad because i cant fucking take care of myself so im grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw and i guess eating improperly or what have you idont fucking know. im going to buy a waterpik even though it’s fifty dollars and i have not made ANY MONEY in the last 6 months or done ANY of what i wanted to do and i still have a number of commissions needling at me that i genuinely like cant fucking even look at withotu fucking hitting myself and crying, and im seriously not trying to make fucking excuses, i am so fucking ashamed and consumed by self-hatred about this, this has been a problem for me SINCE COLLEGE where i was an ART MAJOR that i had to fucking beat the shit out of myself to try to draw anything “seriously”, and i do mean literally beating myself, bludgeoning myself with my morris sticks and smacking myself in the face/head and clawing at my skin, and i fucking hate it

i just know i need like SO MUCH recovery or healing or whatever the fuck, i feel so long overdue for very basic shit, and part of me feels like a withering plant, like pouring water over dry leaves thinking it’s just going to saturate itself and be instantly rejuvenated. im losing leaves in the process, as it were, and getting no “water” all this time. i feel like i’m in drought mode. these last six months are me basically conserving all i have, toeing away from the edge of the cliff because iw as so ready yall i was so fucking ready, i was ready to jump off, i spent whole lunch hours just ready to fucking leap, staring down the void, staring at the winding road that went up the mountain, staring at the deer who stared back at me, hiding my face from Adults who treated me like a wind-up doll, i just couldnt take it, ic ouldnt be somewhere that sterile, i couldnt be spending so much of my life getting so little back, i coudlnt see my friends ever, i couldnt breathe, but in general my brain is sick and i need to heal from all of these things, i need to figure out how i can cope with being alive because i am going to be alive at least a little longer and i need to not fear and crave death simultaneously. i do not want to die, I DO NOT want to die, but i cannot live in a constant state of recuperating. my life has just felt like the Shutting Down... screen for the last 2 years. 

NEED a new dentist NEED my teeth fixed PLEASE GOD open the stem cell dentin treatment to clinics worldwide GOD fix my TEETH PLEASE let me REGROW my TEETH NEED therapy NEED to fix my brain NEED to figure out how i can cope with being unable to support myself in this shit fucking economy NEED TO RECOVER NEED TO GET BETTER PLEASE IM FUCKING SUFFERING 

[twelvesignsrp]

congratulations tabi, cancer is now samuel wade with the faceclaim neels visser

APPLICATION

   Character Sign: Cancer

   Character name: Samuel Wade

   Birthday: 7/7/1997

   Sexuality: bisexual                                                                                        

   Gender: male

   Moon Sign: Pisces Moon – he’s someone who needs fantasy, compassion, escape, and creative outlets more than anything else in the world. he can go a little stir-crazy at times, which is why it’s important for him to have security as well, but he can be extremely hard to pin down and read when he gets into one of his darker moods. sometimes he feels he is best left on his own, even though he wishes he could connect better, but he knows he needs to figure out how to navigate his own soul before he can really reach out to others around him. he is and will always be drawn to artistic, sensual and spiritual pursuits.

   Faceclaim: Neels Visser

   Power: future illustration – it’s not so much any sort of clear image that splashes itself across his mind and forces him to recreate it on any surface available, it’s more like some sort of gut feeling, almost unnoticeable sometimes until he’s practically finished with it. the urge to draw or paint something is as familiar and ingrained in him as the need to breath or his body’s need for blood from his heart—it’s something stuck just beneath the layers of his skin, and he doesn’t even think about it until he looks down and realizes he’s drawn something that ends up coming true a little while later. he does it without thinking most of the time, but then there are a few dark midnights, sleepless nights when the kaleidoscope mess tries to seep out through his fingertips, the drive to create something much stronger than his need to sleep. the talent for art has always been there inside of him, the magic just decided to adhere itself to that.

   What do they study? Art Appreciation

   Biography:

rule 1: schizophrenia is hereditary.

you wouldn’t think that to look at Marie Mason though, as she smiles and walks slowly down the aisle to marry the man who has stolen her heart and all her inhibitions and reservations about love. they’ve thrown themselves into this wedding, adored each other endlessly, despite the family secret she keeps from him, hoping on every star in the sky and any god in heaven that somehow, maybe the curse will pass her by unaffected. maybe their love is stronger than her genetics, maybe his kiss will break the evil spell, the ticking time-bomb on her mind. and after all, doesn’t everyone deserve a happy, fairytale ending? the Beatles sang “all you need is love” and they both agree wholeheartedly, because this feels absolute between the two of them. there is nothing that can get in the way of their union.

rule 2: love is not stronger than madness.

no one bears the brunt of her mental decay as much as her first-born son Samuel, especially in the first seven years of his life. he learns to run quickly, hide perfectly, play games that make no sense and have no rules. he has to think on his feet, tell stories without endings, anything he can do to please her, to help her, to make her love him—or at least remind her that she once did love him. it comes and goes sometimes, and he suffers in school for it, despite how much money his father pours into his education.

what father doesn’t seem to understand is that, yes, she does have many good, long stretches of sanity, weeks when she is fine, she is stable, she is operational, and Samuel enjoys these times because that’s when their family love dynamic actually feels real. but those times never really last long enough, they are just the minute gasps for breaths the universe takes before exploding again. his mother and his little brother, younger by three years, and him can all go to the park and have picnics, and he doesn’t have to think about how Jacob is already a better reader than he is. Jacob is better at a lot of things, but Samuel’s sheer amount of personality ensures his place as older brother. he can also draw better than anyone else in his class, but no one is as much a fan of his work as Jacob is, and Samuel is sure that nothing in the world can break the two of them apart.

that’s why when the doctors finally come and take their mother away while she is screaming and thrashing around, like a demon straight out of hell, Samuel holds onto Jacob’s hand tight enough that neither of them have to notice that their father can’t even look at them. Samuel is terrified that one day he’ll grow up to be as cold and distant as that man, but he’s even more scared about his mother’s genetic lotto win taking root in him.

rule 3: nothing in this world is in your control.

caution: contents are hot. he lets himself ride the waves of adolescence, boiling over with too much freezer-burn chemicals. like a sunflower, he is all brightness on the outer rim, the edges of him oozing glamour and laughter and just enough coyness to keep others interested, but in the center is dark, dark inflorescence, drying and dying out in the sun. he can feel himself changing as puberty takes over, shifting him into the kind of boy who stares at other people too long and lets himself fall into chaos too quickly. he falls in love too hard and lets it drive him to the edge of his mental cliff time and time again, because maybe if he gets used to it out here, it won’t be so bad when he finally tumbles down off it. he lives his life in fear of madness, which gives him a bit of wild freedom, but mostly just makes him want to cave in on himself.

his turmoil breathes life into the only part of him left that’s still beating; drawing and painting. he spends hours on it, creates everything from abstract memories of dreams to landscapes and fruits. it’s an incredibly forgiving art, but nothing about that sentiment lets him sleep a full night through, unburdened by nightmares.

his father comes to him one day after he’s turned eighteen and tells him he expects good grading scores from his high school so that he can enroll in a well-accredited university next fall—a university that has already been picked out for him. Samuel hadn’t intended to go to college, actually, because he wanted to start selling his art as soon as possible, but he doesn’t have the means or support system around him to venture off on his own, the way he wishes he did. he’s too easily persuaded to attend, but he manages to hold his own when it comes to which classes to choose. his father wants him to become a doctor, and follow in his footsteps of becoming a surgeon. for that entire summer, he starts bringing his oldest son to his hospital with him, making him watch the surgeries sometimes, hoping that the drive to cut people open and fix them will somehow seep into Samuel via osmosis. it’s total hell to the eighteen-year-old, and it doesn’t convince him to change his college schedule at all.

rule 4: with great power comes great responsibility.

not very far into his experience at durham, things begin to change. at first, he thinks “this is it, i’m finally losing it,” when he sees the exact same car-wreck scene on the news as what he had drawn earlier that morning. he thinks maybe it’s a coincidence, maybe a fluke, maybe some kind of déjà vu. he sets the picture on fire and smokes a cigarette as he watches it burn, his heart pounding in his chest, the fear like freezing fingers wrapping around his lungs, suffocating him. it’s not long though before it happens again, and again, and again—the things he draws becoming real somehow, and he begins to worry whether he’s drawing the future or creating it through his drawings.

it takes about a month or two, after he really starts taking action based on the paintings and drawings, that he realizes he is shaping only one version of the future, and that by simply knowing about it and doing something with that knowledge, it can be changed; which is a huge relief. so he starts acting on his abilities, working to fix whatever seems wrong, warn whoever he needs to, avoid the pitfalls he can see coming. he very rarely anymore draws the things he wants to, but it’s okay because this is more important anyway, and his skills at detail and coloring are getting better, sharper, clearer.

but with each new picture he puts his whole soul into, he feels it leave him just a little bit more. it’s a well-known fact that talent and survival cannot exist harmoniously inside one body; eventually something has to give. nothing is stronger than madness, he controls nothing in this world.

and schizophrenia is hereditary.

   Five interesting facts about your character:

I. he has grown up with a mild form of dyslexia, making him very uncomfortable reading things. he struggled through it all throughout high school, oftentimes bullshitting his way through tests and literature classes. whenever he was called upon to read something from the books, he would always play it off as something silly, like making up the words and story as he went, often getting in minor bits of trouble for it. whenever it was really important that he learn the material, he just looked up youtube videos for it. he still needs to do that sometimes. II. he calls his little brother Jacob every week, just to check up on him. he hates being so far away from his brother, really the only member of his family that he ever connected with. his brother looks up to him a lot, even though Sam has no idea why anyone would. III. he lives off of a steady diet of ramen and code-red mountain dew. he knows he should eat better, but he’s too young to care about health food and he’s been blessed with a fantastic metabolism. plus, he doesn’t know how to cook and he can’t be bothered to learn. IV. he does work out though, whenever he can, and even though his choice of exorcise is boxing mostly, he wishes he could get more into martial arts, like taekwondo or jujitsu. V. secretly loves super nerdy stuff, like anime and comic books, but he tries his best to keep all that under wraps, stuffed into the bottom of one of his pants drawers, because he is scared of what people will think of him if they knew. he wants to be chill, not looked at like he’s crazy.

   Character Quote:

“lie with me under

the sweeping sky that

forgets us

there is no other kind of death

destroy me if you must.”

–inkskinned.tumblr.com

   If your character had a patronus what would it be? and why? his patronus is a dapple-grey stallion. it means his passion for the things he loves is hard to beat, he becomes very involved in his friends, family, hobbies and studies. he can be very sensitive and emotional, getting hurt easily and often feeling melancholy for very little reason. however, this emotional enlightenment allows him to understand others and empathize extremely well, while also being very creative and intelligent.

WRITING SAMPLE

Samuel stared at the lines on the wooden door in front of him, his eyes wide but unmoving– stagnant just like the rest of his entire body. he was supposed to be moving, supposed to be a man of action by now, like he had told himself countless times to be. he’d spent the better part of the morning looking into a mirror, practicing the lines he was about to say, going over what sounds best, the exact type of words to formulate, anything that didn’t sound creepy or desperate. he wanted to be one of those guys who were able to just go after whatever they want, no hesitation, no overthinking.

but he wasn’t. he wasn’t a man of action, he wasn’t a man of anything– he was just standing here in front of his classmate’s door like an idiot, completely immobile because his nervousness had rooted him to her welcome mat. he was supposed to knock on the door ten minutes ago. he should have already gotten this done and over with by now but instead he couldn’t stop staring at the lines in the door and thinking about how heartbroken he was going to be as soon as she rejected him.

she had no idea how hard he’d been working up the courage to do this. how long he’d spent practicing his tone of voice or his smile. he wanted everything to be perfect and if he messed this up…. he might never have forgiven himself. he had already messed up so many other relationships and lost so many opportunities with her already this semester. he wanted to move forward. he wanted to show her how much he liked her.

he slowly inhaled a breath, lifting his fist up to knock on the door, but he couldn’t make contact. maybe he could do this next week. there would still be a next week, right? there was always next week– next month– next year. except what if she moved away or dropped out of school? what if she got a boyfriend? and then he’d have to see them together in the hallways, think about how she liked to be kissed, think about whether she was being treated well enough. he was not keen on this idea.

but knocking on this door was about as easy as fitting his whole arm into his mouth. how did other people seem to do this so damn easily? he always saw it in movies and things, guys being assertive and girls being spunky but accepting. things always worked out in movies though, whereas real life was often messier, especially in those first few steps of a relationship.

relationship? maybe he shouldn’t have been thinking about that word just yet—it was still pretty early. he hadn’t even managed to ask her out yet. hadn’t even knocked on the goddamn door. he huffed again, the nervous fluttering and pounding in his chest only getting worse.

he lifted his fist up again, an inch or two away, when the door suddenly opened and there she was, a bag of trash in her hand, and there he was, his arm raised like an idiot. “i…! oh..! hi..” his palms immediately started sweating as panic set in and his fight-or-flight instinct started telling him to turn and run. his feet however, were still painfully glued to this spot. “i, uh… i was just about to knock… on your door….” he slowly lowered his hand, feeling like a deer in the headlights. “obviously.”

[jodyedgarus]

Is There Any Stopping Another Alabama-Clemson Title Game?

gfoster (Geoff Foster, sports editor): After weeks of crunching every possible playoff scenario, we finally got our two matchups for the College Football Playoff: Clemson vs. Notre Dame and Alabama vs. Oklahoma. We have to wait until Dec. 29 to see those games. But in the meantime, we have some 37 bowl games to distract us from our families over the holidays.

Let’s start with the big two. Were you surprised by the playoff selections? I think the committee avoided all of the doomsday scenarios as the conference championships played to form.

neil (Neil Paine, senior sports writer): Yeah, they mostly got out of the woods compared with some of the scenarios we talked about here. Only thing that would have helped them more would be if either Oklahoma or Ohio State lost, but that didn’t happen.

To your question, I wasn’t too shocked about the picks. Much was made of Georgia potentially making it, but it seemed very unlikely that they’d take a two-loss nonconference champ over a pair of one-loss conference champs — even if UGA was probably better talent-wise. I was really only slightly surprised they took Oklahoma over the Buckeyes. If you look at the power ratings like Football Power Index or Simple Rating System, or something like ESPN’s Strength of Record, Ohio State was the superior team. But the committee probably held OSU’s strength of schedule against it — as well as that bad loss to Purdue and the near-loss against Maryland.

sara.ziegler (Sara Ziegler, general editor): It helped for the Sooners that, in the Big 12 title game, they beat the only team to have beaten them.

neil: Yes — you definitely heard the phrase “they beat every team on the schedule” thrown around.

sara.ziegler: And I feel like the committee members had Ohio State’s near-loss to Maryland on their minds.

(I know I did.)

Josh Planos (Josh Planos, contributor): I wasn’t all that surprised either. Three were shoe-ins, and if the playoff format has taught us anything it’s that most of college football’s elite programs hog all the playoff spots, and the committee will do everything in its power to eschew controversy. Ohio State certainly wasn’t lacking in that department this season.

gfoster: Oddly, I think blowing out Michigan in such ugly fashion actually hurt Ohio State, because most people seemed to write off that game (rightly) as UM being overrated rather than Ohio State beating a team ranked fourth in the country.

neil: And yet the Wolverines were allowed to (easily) be Notre Dame’s most signature win…

sara.ziegler: Notre Dame getting its special dispensation, as per usual.

neil: It was funny during the selection show to hear the note about how Vegas would have the Irish as underdogs against every other team in the playoff conversation (except UCF, I guess).

Josh Planos: During Northwestern’s third-quarter scoring run on Saturday night, while Gus Johnson was firing off catch phrases, you could almost hear the committee scratching out the Buckeyes. Would a 40-point win in the Big Ten championship game even have gotten Ohio State over Georgia?

gfoster: Last year, if it hadn’t lost to Stanford, Notre Dame could have easily finished the season with one loss and would have not have made the playoff. In that spot, not having a conference championship would have really worked against the Irish because they wouldn’t have had another opportunity for a signature win. But this year, we see the advantage for ND. Win all your regular season games, as easy as they may be, and you are in.

But likewise, Northwestern didn’t really give Ohio State much of a resume boost. So … it’s Wisconsin’s fault for being lousy I guess.

sara.ziegler: But of course, Geoff, that’s only the case for ND — not for any other non-Power Five teams. (:cry: UCF)

gfoster: UCF needs to boost its strength of schedule if it wants to be taken seriously.

sara.ziegler: For sure. And I don’t think the Knights should have gotten in. But it’s not like Notre Dame’s schedule was off the charts.

gfoster: For all we knock ND, they are playing teams like NC State, USC, Syracuse — all of whom would be one of the hardest games on UCF’s schedule.

neil: How can they improve their SOS, short of joining a better conference? (Or is that basically it?)

I don’t think any real power team wants to play them nonconference. No upside there, only downside.

gfoster: You could get a mid-tier Power-Five team that would take them at home, no? When Notre Dame was playing Michigan in Week 1, UCF had UConn — quite possibly the worst team in FBS.

neil: Defensively, at least.

sara.ziegler: Though that UConn game was a conference game.

Josh Planos: They followed it up by playing South Carolina State, too.

sara.ziegler: They scheduled North Carolina, but that was canceled because of the hurricane.

gfoster: North Carolina is also terrible.

sara.ziegler: And that’s the other problem: You can schedule a mid-tier Power-Five team, but you can’t guarantee they’ll be good.

neil: Or if you’re Notre Dame, you can schedule prestige Power 5 teams and not know if they’ll be good.

sara.ziegler: UCF did schedule and beat Pitt, which was good enough to get trampled by Clemson in the ACC title game.

gfoster: Truth is, maybe UCF does need to move conferences? TCU managed to do that when it was facing similar problem.

sara.ziegler: Or we could solve this with an eight-team playoff!

neil: This.^^

gfoster: Well, yes.

sara.ziegler: Solve it for this year, anyway.

LOL

gfoster: NO ONE is against that.

neil: Except conference and university presidents.

gfoster: As for this year, this is the first time both playoff games have double-digit spreads. Which falls in line with some lopsided lines in the conference championships. Any reason to like the underdogs here?

Or is this destined for Clemson vs. Alabama again?

neil: Maybe if Tua is still hurt? (He won’t be. And they will destroy Oklahoma.)

sara.ziegler: And it’s hard to see Notre Dame doing much against Clemson.

neil: Clemson vs. Bama Part IV is pretty redundant at this point. But at least there’s a chance it doesn’t play out according to chalk. Under the old BCS system, they’d automatically be slotted in at 1-2. (Although that would have been very uncontroversial.)

gfoster: It’s hard to see any team doing much against the Tigers’ defense. Look at the line of Pitt QB Kenny Pickett in the ACC title game: 4 of 16 for … wait for it … 8 YARDS.

That’s 0.5 yards per pass attempt. (538 math skills, folks.)

Josh Planos: Yeah, we don’t know about Tua’s health. Oklahoma’s offense puts up video game numbers, so you’d expect Alabama to need to bring at least something to the table in that regard. Trevor Lawrence is playing the best secondary he’s seen all season. Brian Kelly is probably pretty motivated that his team’s recent struggles were broadcast on a Showtime series.

sara.ziegler: If Tua plays, you gotta think he’ll go to town on the Oklahoma defense.

Will he actually have to play all four quarters? LOL

Josh Planos: Have we ever seen the likely two top vote-getters in the Heisman race square off in the postseason? Is this the best QB battle in terms of single-season QBR that we’ve ever seen? Each is on pace to set the single-season record (though that will change, I’m sure).

gfoster: It might not change for Tua against that Oklahoma defense that gave up 700 yards to West Virginia.

The Sooners also might be without their best receiver: Marquise “Hollywood” Brown, which would be a significant blow to Kyler Murray.

neil: Josh, we almost got 1-2 Heisman QBs in the 2008 title game: Tebow vs. Bradford.

(But Tebow finished 3rd in the voting.)

(Colt McCoy finished 2nd????)

sara.ziegler: Wow

gfoster: If we had an eight-team playoff, my guess is that it would be Alabama-UCF (lol), Clemson-Washington (I’m thinking they must include a token Pac-12 in this new world), Notre Dame-Ohio State, Oklahoma-Georgia.

neil: What would the line be on that Tide-vs.-Knights game?

gfoster: 28.5

Josh Planos: Without McKenzie Milton? 30+

neil: Isn’t that the same line they gave the Buffalo Bills vs. Alabama?

gfoster: The Bills are like the sixth worst team in the NFL now. Shows how misguided those types of stories are.

sara.ziegler: Would a Pac-12 team even make an eight-team playoff this year? The committee had Michigan at No. 7.

Which is kind of amazing — another two-loss Power-Five team above poor UCF.

neil: I would guess an eight-team playoff would have an automatic berth for a Pac-12 champ.

sara.ziegler: There’s obviously no way to do this without some controversy.

neil: Then we can get into those fun March Madness arguments about “at-large” bids.

gfoster: Right … and one token non-Power Five. (Or in this case two, because of ND.)

neil: Notre Dame is Power Five! (According to our tier system.)

gfoster: Let’s talk about the other bowl games. Any others you are particularly excited for?

neil: UGA-Texas should be fun, I think.

Josh Planos: Maybe it’s because I’m a sucker for the nostalgia of Big 8 football, but Missouri vs. Oklahoma State. FPI is really high on the four-loss Tigers (like, higher on the Tigers than UCF and LSU), and each of Oklahoma State’s past five games have been decided by no more than 7 points. If nothing else, there will be a lot of points.

sara.ziegler: Missouri never should have left the Big 12.

neil: I always forget they aren’t in the Big 12 now.

sara.ziegler: Wisconsin vs. Miami in the Pinstripe Bowl is kind of a fun throwback.

gfoster: That should be called the Pinstripe Lack Of Motivation Bowl.

sara.ziegler: Haha

Josh Planos: Fun is an interesting word.

Is this the underachieving bowl? And did any team underachieve more than Wisconsin? All we heard throughout the preseason was that Jonathan Taylor could win the Heisman, they returned the entire offensive line, and Alex Hornibrook was returning for a 12th year of eligibility.

gfoster: In the bowl games, it’s always fun to identify the games where one team is really pumped to be there and the other has zero interest. For instance, Purdue vs. Auburn in the Music City.

You think Auburn is getting up for that?

Josh Planos: If they couldn’t get up to bully UCF last year, they’re not getting up to try and corral Rondale Moore.

neil: Also, the biggest early spread in a lower-tier bowl might be the Famous Idaho Potato Bowl. ESPN has BYU as a 14-point favorite over Western Michigan

I always root for the Directional Michigans though.

gfoster: Sad that Alabama-Oklahoma might be the most lopsided bowl game.

Also a 14-point spread.

sara.ziegler: I’m actually pretty interested in how UCF does against LSU.

LSU is a good proxy for a playoff team, since the Tigers did OK against Bama (at least early on) and pounded Georgia.

gfoster: I actually think LSU will get up for UCF, mainly because of what happened to Auburn and all this chatter.

neil: Although I wish UCF had gotten one of the just-missed-it playoff contenders like UGA or Ohio State, just for experiment’s sake.

sara.ziegler: Yeah, that would have been better.

Though maybe it’s all moot with no Milton.

neil: True. It wouldn’t have settled the debate.

gfoster: LSU is actually still playing that game against Texas A&M. They are in their 134th overtime.

sara.ziegler: :football: :zzz:

gfoster: But Neil, didn’t we see kinda see that the year they let Hawaii play UGA?

neil: Hah, yes I was thinking of that exactly. Poor Colt Brennan.

Josh Planos: Should’ve known that a haircut like this didn’t stand a chance.

gfoster: OMG

sara.ziegler: Why … would … you … do … that?

gfoster: He even has the little island that they don’t let anyone on.

neil: The run-n-shoot makes you do crazy things.

gfoster: OK, what’s the worst bowl game.

This answer is two parts.

Worst name and worst game.

neil: Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl

Can anything top that?

Short of bringing back the Poulan Weed Eater Bowl?

sara.ziegler: I love the Boca Raton Bowl.

Congrats, teams! You’re going to … Boca Raton!

gfoster: That’s the Cheribundi Boca Raton Bowl, Sara.

Josh Planos: Best bowl experience: The Makers Wanted Bahamas Bowl, FIU vs. Toledo.

Last season, folks could bring beer into the stadium. There were also archery opportunities near the concession stand.

I apologize for not answering the question, Geoff.

neil: I do miss the Popeye’s sponsorship for that one. Gave us an excuse to pick up fried chicken at Times Square and eat it in the office.

sara.ziegler: As if you needed an excuse for that, Neil.

neil: (Sorry again about the spicy tenders, Geoff.)

gfoster: The DXL Frisco Bowl is a rare short name that is terrible.

Jared Birmingham Bowl? It sounds like its named after someone named Jared Birmingham.

neil: I think “Jared Birmingham” is UCF’s backup QB.

Josh Planos: LOL

gfoster: I will say. I’m a big fan of the Cheez-It Bowl

I wish I had a bowl of Cheez-Its right now.

sara.ziegler: We didn’t talk about the best game of the weekend.

neil: Iowa State!

sara.ziegler: A dominant (not at all) win over powerhouse (not at all) Drake!

Josh Planos: I think Washington State could beat Iowa State by 40 points. Or the Cyclones could ride the Matt Campbell relevancy train to a 13-10 win.

sara.ziegler: That’s quite a range.

neil: And nothing in between.

sara.ziegler: LOL

neil: I’m also kinda intrigued by the Peach Bowl: Michigan vs. Florida. Feels like that is a constant matchup in the tier of bowls just below the prestige level.

That has happened in many Citrus Bowls, for instance.

Josh Planos: How. Do. These. Teams. Keep. Playing.

gfoster: Harbaugh’s only bowl win at Michigan was a romp of Florida. And Lloyd Carr’s final win was an upset of Tim Tebow Florida.

neil: And don’t forget about the 2003 Outback Bowl!

sara.ziegler: Who can forget?

neil: Grossman vs. Navarre.

gfoster: I’m excited for West Virginia vs. Syracuse in the Camping World. That feels like a 100-point game. I also am oddly interested in Boca Raton bowl! UAB is an amazing story. They won Conference USA just a few years removed from having their football program eliminated.

It’s at this time where I’d normally ask for predictions. But I imagine no one is picking an upset in the first two playoff games?

So let’s skip to the final predictions.

sara.ziegler: It’s pretty hard to pick against Alabama.

neil: Alabama 27, Clemson 24

sara.ziegler: Clemson has been dominant, obviously, ever since squeaking by Syracuse. But Bama is just too good.

Alabama 30, Clemson 18

gfoster: Clemson 35, Alabama 28

This isn’t (entirely) me being the contrarian. I think the Crimson Tide are kinda vulnerable to an upset. They start slow every game (tied with Citadel at halftime, remember) and it’s going to catch up to them at some point. Clemson defense can keep Tua off the field enough to win.

(Assuming they beat ND, who I think will make a game of it against Clemson.)

Josh Planos: Alabama over Oklahoma 35-14

Clemson over Notre Dame 21-7

Alabama over Clemson 28-14

sara.ziegler: I guess there’s nothing left to do but watch the games!

from News About Sports https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/is-there-any-stopping-another-alabama-clemson-title-game/

[custardtoast]

hmm small (edit: really lengthy) rant about my life rn

I just had a week off school and it was a much needed break... I did volunteer for 3/5 of the days so it wasn’t a crazy break, since I still had quite a bit of stress about those 3 days

I am currently in that typical position of “I didn’t do anything productive pertaining to school work all week so now I feel guilty and I should stay up and get something done” but at the same time... I feel like I always beat myself up so much when I know that I was quite busy with other things, and school work isn’t always the only priority. Granted, I did watch a kdrama lol and didn’t sleep until 2-4 am on most days, while waking up close to noon.... but I feel like I needed that. I just hate how i can never fully relax but I also can’t bring myself to work... but that is the ultimate student dilemma. I wish I had better self-control and organizational skills to balance everything

On a related note, I’ve been thinking rly hard about what I want to do after I graduate from uni... I was thinking about applying to a summer internship for half of the summer, but I need a reference letter and the deadline is this week, so I feel like its sort of inappropriate to ask any of my profs at this point... I also was thinking about just bumming around for the entire summer and being productive in other areas of my life ... like I’ve been thinkin about starting a youtube channel (lol me and everyone else in this internet world) bc I’ve just been so inspired by all these amazing ppl who show their struggles to everyone and at the end of the day they’re all beautiful ppl... I really like the idea of sharing my life w all these internet friends bc frankly, I don’t really share my life with anyone irl (i know that sounds super sad but it’s true... i dont feel like im close w anyone anymore and once i graduate from uni i feel like i’m gonna be cut off from everyone I currently talk to and I feel like no one would rly make the effort to talk to me otherwise)

so idk i kinda wanted to start a vlog/lifestyle channel so I could just chat to the camera, since i rly do have a lot of thoughts i’d like to share, but i’m just too scared to share them with anyone i actually know irl. it feels easier to just talk it out to no one in particular like a diary, but then have ppl (hopefully) care about it. but at the same time there are TONS of lifestyle channels out there and i dont think i have a particular “tv personality”? 

also filming those kinda videos have nothing to do w my university degree and idk i feel like.... it’s important to be well-rounded but i don’t want my degree to be for nothing, so i also have to think about what i want to do as my future career. which is really tough because... i’m in the sciences, i currently do clinical research in a lab, and it’s okay... i love the learning aspect but i’m not a fan of the actual scientific research process. i can’t really explain why but you’re just... studying something so small for so so so long and it’s hard to feel like you’re making any progress. but i suppose the beauty of the field is if/when you actually make progress and a contribution. i’m also scared about the whole competition in the field and constantly keeping yourself afloat with grants, idk if i want to dedicate my life to that. and to be honest i dont think im smart enough or that much of a critical thinker to become a researcher and get a phd, although i would really love to be a university professor (too bad u have to have a phd loool)

some other options are going to med school, optometry school, becoming a dietician or a physician’s assistant... med school is the scary one bc i always think about.... why would i want to be a doctor over another medical professional? do i actually have the qualities to be a good doctor, or am i just doing it bc of the image or the pressure? do i actually enjoy working with patients?? ofc those questions apply to the other options as well but... im always doubting myself and i feel like that quality alone is not very ideal for being a doctor. i would feel more comfortable being an optometrist, dietician, or physician’s assistant bc it feels like... even if you mess up there are still other people to back you up, whereas with a doctor, you are the one running the game. which is super important and impressive, but i just don’t know if i could handle with the stress and if i have the capabilities to make unwavering decisions. just cuz i know im so indecisive.... man. i got rejected from med school which is why im rethinking all of this. i might go to grad school next year, either in nutrition or continuing in physiology. i really like topics in nutrition and a masters in nutrition is only a year long, but i would have to find a new supervisor and im not a super huge fan of research (like i’ve said before)... but it seems better than a 2 year masters in physiology. i could stick with my current physiology supervisor, but that also means im stuck studying the same thing as i am now for 2 years. and idk if i love it that much.... agh... i dont know......... i wish someone could tell me what’s the best path... but i know no one can... and i know that no one is gonna read this huuuuuge text.... im just rambling at this point bc i have no one i feel comfortable personally messaging all of this to

being indecisive.... leads me to my next point. which is strange, but i really want to get a tattoo after i graduate. ive been thinking about what to get, and ofc, due to my indecisive nature, i can never really decide, but i think... i kinda know what i want? i just need to think of a good placement for it bc i dont want it to be visible in my every day life, just due to the judgemental nature of the field that im in right now and possibly will be in the future (eg. if i work in the medical field, i will most definitely be judged if i have visible tattoos, maybe less by the younger demographic but by the older ones for sure, and that can affect the whole patient-doctor interaction, or even interaction with mentors?) so if u have any tattoos, i’d love to know what you have (if you’re comfortable w sharing) and why, so it helps me justify getting my own lol (even though that doesnt rly make sense.. i should just get it if i want it, but im still debating)

guhhhh my brain has run out of juice and i should go to bed, im really trying to not sleep at 2 am today. i wish i could fall asleep faster. im not gonna give myself heck for not getting anything done during reading week, or tonight, cuz i know i’ve been going through some rough mental patches, but i hope if i sleep earlier, wake up a bit earlier, take back more control of my life, i can be more productive and less stressed. pls wish me luck.

i rly want... to make meaningful connections and impacts in this world.

[leagueofawesomedudes]

Week 7 Preview:

Week 7 Preview:

Welcome to the week 7 iteration of the preview written by the Squads’ southern-most member. While I begin to write this, I am struggling to come up with fresh humor to throw at you all. So this preview might be like TJ’s version of a marathon, I’ll only do half it. Although, If I put in half as much effort as solden has put into getting laid lately, then this thing will be longer than Sam’s sweet clean meat after seeing Jared as Han Swolo. Ive rambled long enough so we should probably slide into this weeks matchups like Holla slide into Robins boats, head first.  

 Matchups:

G-reg 3rd Leg vs The Brady Bunch

So after 3 years of not changing my name from the generic name given, I decided to switch it up. Why not name my Team after Greg. Gotta rep the 7th floor crew while we still can and Greg was about as reliable as Joe Thomas. Hadn’t missed a regular season game in 9, yes 9 years. So next year I’m naming my team after a player Sam’s team, that’ll fuck him over. Now, with Aaron Rodgers going down, G-regs third leg doesn’t have much left to stand on. But after numerous trade inquiries, a new QB will take over and its none other than Big dick Mitch. I square off against Doug this week. Doug is 3-3, that’s such a Doug Record. Doug certainly has some talent on his team, we’ll see if Kareeem Hunt can continue to over perform. Dez will prolyl have a solid game against SF, and Brady will put up numbers against Atlanta, So this one looks to Be in the Shady Bunch’s favor but I cant bet against myself.

 So G-reg will show the Brady Bunch his third leg and will come home with a win. In the end, everything is a dick measuring contest anyway. Unless you’re TJ, and you always fall back on the hole big balls thing.

3rd leg>1 shade of grey

 Jon SnOBJs vs Crows before Hoes

 I’m not sure why Paul named his team this. Are you that big of a Crowell fan? If so, don’t tell TJ. I’m somewhat disappointed pot stirrin paul has been fairly silent this week. Of all weeks, it’s time for a little stirring to get Chads vein popping, as well as the one on his forehead. Going through the rosters this week I noticed one anomaly.  Paul not only has one black QB, but he has two. For that reason, I pretty much have to pick team BJ. Team No Bj, is looking thin this week too. A team that once looked like it could catch more balls than Pauly on a Friday night, now just isn’t the same. With the news that Chad is going to start two tight ends and neither is named gronk, jimmy, or martellus, that has made this decision just a little bit harder. But since much of fantasy is due to luck and not managerial skill, which Sam has been proven the last 3 years, I will pick Chad. Despite him starting two tight ends, the only tight end Chad is interested in, is Paul’s.

 Jon SnOBjs > Pauls tight end

 Hollas Heavy Hitters vs The injured Reserve

I expect big things out of Matty Ice this week going against a weak Patriots secondary. Congrats to Holla for having one of the best looking guys in the NFL according to the research we did at Paul’s, Eric Decker. But Choll has Amendola, also highly ranked. Starting any player who plays the browns is always a good move, its even better if you can start two like Holla, Decker and D. Walker. Across the board, Holla has good matchups, Shady is even going against a weak Tampa D. I’m not sure if either of these managers drafted their teams, set their lineups, or even read this preview. I do however know Holla Bee-bopped and hopscotched around Athens for HC. Casey got in huge trouble from the old lady for being the vicinity of another female while in Athens.  And Doug still has a 401K. Got a bit off track there, but so has Sammy Watkins who is one of Cholls wideouts.  I continue to expect big numbers out of the rookie Fournette as well as Jordan Howard as the Bears ease in the Pretty Boy Assassin. I think this one goes to Choll despite Hollas favorable matchups. But who knows, even a broken clock is right twice a day, unless you’re Paul who never knows if its right.

 Choll Sauce>Guy appreciates Robin’s boats

2 Gurleys, 1 Cup vs Aint EZ being Breesy

To start on a positive note, at least both of these teams are named after players who are actually on their teams. I mean anyone who wants to see a fucked up video should watch the 2 girls 1 cup video. I assume Sam watches it daily. This is a tough one though. I’m torn between hoping for a tie and Sam losing by the smallest margin possible on Monday night. And it’s actually very possible since he is starting captain kirk who plays on MNF this week. But on the flip side, Solden has been firing shots the last few days about getting this preview out so I kind of want him to lose too. I guess as the saying goes, you cant have your cake and eat it too. But I don’t like cake, so Ill have my cake and do whatever I want with it. Outside of Brees and Gronk, Soldens team is weak. Sam is down to Bell and Gurley and a bunch of average guys . So who knows. Both teams being 3-3 makes this a pretty even matchup. But I would be remise if I didn’t remind Sam that I may have one of the worst teams in the league now that ive been battered by injuries harder than Zeke punching his GF, that I beat you. I did my part to ensure you don’t get lucky one more time. But just like Sam on a Saturday night, solden won’t close on Monday. Sam will roll over Solden Harder than his hard part this week. Speaking of your part. If you invested the $25 per month you spend on your haircut, you’d have nearly $150,000 by the time you are 65. Just sayin.

 Pussy Repellent > skinny Solden

 Julio Tones vs Little Diggs

Speaking of hair, TJ is now the face of Just for Men. That’s a slippery slope bro. Once you start you cant stop. Is Dre into the mustache rides? she must be cuz i see no other reason to deal with that facial hair. TJ is obviously going through a lot of changes lately so we should be nice. He has a girlfriend, ran a marathon, and took action on a hairline that is running from his forehead faster than him running that marathon. So really this matchup is of the haves and have nots with regard to hair that is. Ive been pretty outspoken over the years on my feelings about Derek Carr and more recently Zeke. I really don’t like overrated players. Too much credit is tossed around in a game that is so reliant on the rest of the team and play calls. TJs team reminds me a lot of one of my favorite sayings: Big hat, no cattle. I really like little Diggs Team which is something I haven’t said yet today. He has studs top to bottom, even his bench is stacked. I am not sure how many of these guys you drafted or how you got them, but damn. Now it looks like there is quite a few guys who are dinged up on your roster so that could set you back more than you set Solden back the night you played video game till 930 before going out. Cuz the girls you meet at 930 are definitely your best bet at getting laid.. As I write this I got the message from Chad in the Group me about how much he is enjoying the preview. If only I had more time to tear part him and his jeans that are just alittle too tight I would. I hope casey pees in your bed right before you bring home one of those sculped lesbos.

 Little Diggs drags sack on Julio Tones this week.

 Little Diggs>Julio Tones

 As we head into the weekend, I hope to see you all soon. Im sure chad is getting geeked up for Thursday night football, his least favorite version of the NFL but he’s a football guy so he has to watch it. I hope all of you who went to the jets game rather than come down to Homecoming had fun watching a former Browns QB shred us on a shitty team. I know chads little pecker got hard when he saw the snow started flying in Athens. You guys totally made the right decision.. Its too bad Jared isn’t in the league anymore. Theres some solid material on him. Oh well, his girlfriend probably wouldn’t let him read this anyway. But thanks for reading this far if you did. If not I’m not surprised, I know none of you can last this long.

 -Snowman

[swampgallows]

i need help. i cant do anything. even in europe all i did was trail behind. i didnt book anything or research anything. i just followed along. everybody else planned everything and i just followed behind.

i dont know what will happen to me without coverage. i need to make calls but i dont know what will happen. i really need help and i really want to be able to do things without my parents. there is so much my parents dont know and that i dont feel safe telling them. there is so much i dont trust my parents with but they control everything. they dont even know i quit my job because i was going to kill myself. ir eally want to get help. and i really need to get help. and i feel like the only way i can truly do it is if im entirely removed from this environment for an extended period of time. i thought europe would be the thing to help me enough but during the last few days when i realized i was going to have to come back here i started panicking and getting sick. and since i got home my body has been rejecting even the most mild of foods (oatmeal, applesauce, eggs and toast) and i cant sleep for more than a few hours at a time, at random. and i cant focus on anything again, and i only managed to draw something for a little bit when my mom was at the hospital again. 

i hate that i cant do anything alone but i feel like when im by myself i’ll disappear. but even when im with people i fall out of existence and stop being a person. i cant be here. im struggling to be here any more as a person. 

i had canceled my wow subscription (i guess?) so it wouldnt charge me while i wasnt playing and i havent started it back up again yet. i opened hots but i didnt play it. i cant even play video games. 

i really need help. i really need to get somewhere where i can be away from this environment and get help or im just going to sit in my bed until i die. im dissociated more than im grounded  nowadays, even on the trip. if eel like unless im in a super safe and time-constrained situation (like a rave or at a restaurant?? or something) i cant be a human being. like i have to have a scripted event and i cant exist outside of it. i dont know what to do with myself unless im being perceived or something like that. 

i hate writing about this stuff on tumblr but it’s making me lose my mind if i dont get it out somehow. it’s just spinning in my head and all i can do is sit here. it’s 4 in the morning and i thought about cleaning my room to do something productive while not having to be a person, per se, but it’s 4am and it would be too loud. i thought about getting in my car and driving around a little while the streets are super empty but my mom is awake and sitting by the door.

im so fucking sick of my parents knowing about every single thing i do. i cant be a person independent of them if i cant do or say anything without them knowing. and even if i put up my middle finger and say like FUCK YOU IM DOING THIS like my sister does it doesnt matter, in the end they still control everything and they still KNOW. i still have to come back to their house to go to bed, and even if im gone for days they know im gone. my sister is looking into renting a place with her shitty chaotic boyfriend (even though she swore up and down that she would NEVER move in with him) just so she doesnt have to fucking live here. AND SHE’S 29 AND I’M 27 WE SHOULDNT HAVE TO STILL LIVE WITH OUR PARENTS BUT NO ONE IN MY GENERATION CAN AFFORD TO MOVE OUT WITHOUT LIVING WITH 9 STRANGERS FOR 800 A MONTH EACH, AND THOSE NUMBERS ARE NOT EXAGGERATED

it was such a relief when i was in europe to just not check in with them at all or have to tell them anything. not even ‘hey i’m here safe!’ fuck you. i barely even posted on facebook about it except for checking in to places on swarm, and not to tell them, but just to do it, because it’s what i’d do anyway. “thanks for the update” my sister wrote, like i was supposed to tell them sooner. it’s none of their fucking business. they are not part of the equation at all. i bought the plane ticket, i paid for my share of the hotel and hostel and apartment, AND i was planning to drive myself to nate’s house until my mother fucking berated me about it and dropped me off instead (they were using my car that week anyway). 

my sister is on a career path and so is my brother and im not. i havent tried learning coding again in a while. i really do not have anything to live for, im not in love with anybody and i have no dreams and i dont even want to get married really and i DEFINITELY do not want children, i still feel like a child, i feel too helpless and stupid to do anything, my art is WAY below the professional level and i couldnt even fulfill all the commissions i took, i barely even draw for myself. i dont do anythign for myself. i cant even take care of myself. im full of self-destructive impulses maybe because i feel like if it gets bad enough my parents will give a shit about me, or something, but they dont, or they cant, theyre incapable. i think about all the healing i have to do and all the trauma ive been through and how my mother takes even that away from me, using it to further her own self-flagellation about what a bad mother she is. even if i killed myself, my suicide would matter to her more as a means to further punish herself than as a loss of my life. and i know this because when i was hit by the car and didnt have the self-preservation to call for help or do anything, all she did was scream at me at the top of her lungs and then complain about what a bad mother she was that she apparently never taught us to call our parents.

i had to throw up when we were driving back to lax to drop cookies off and i thought i could make it. i puked all over myself, bad, in nate’s car, and he said, “you need to just tell me if you have to and i’ll pull over.” and i legitimately didnt even think of that. i am so accustomed to just suffering in silence and then getting punished afterward that i didnt do a solid for myself or for my friends by just giving a heads up about what was happening to me. i just let it happen and dealt with the consequences. and that thought really unnerved me. why didnt i say something? did i really think he would get mad at me for asking, for having the audacity to get sick? was i embarrassed??? well i was sure as fuck embarrassed for puking all over myself like a fucking infant, so why didnt i just say something? like who the fuck does that? i just sat there fighting it, thinking it would go away, instead of saying like “dude, can we pull over? i think im gonna throw up.” maybe i didnt want to be an inconvenience, or ruin the good time, or be needy, or draw attention to myself, or possibly make cookies late for her plane (she had more than enough time and it wouldnt have been a problem at all. pulling over for a minute wouldnt have mattered. we werent even on the freeway.) so why didn’t i even think to say something?

i was never like this. i was never somebody who didnt stand up for myself.

or was i? i dont know. i have avenged people in the past, speaking up for them when they didnt have anyone on their side, so why cant i speak up for myself? i didnt say anything when i was being molested, or raped, but i was just a child. but ive been ground down more and more to be more subservient, quieter, helpless, and the few times i try to defend myself or make a stand or speak up i end up saying a very wrong thing or being extremely rude or just embarrassing myself by saying something foolish. or i come off as aggressive. 

aggression.

i have nothing so i have nothing to ground me and nothing with which to assert myself. as time goes on i feel weaker and weaker, more and more feeble and like i need permission to be alive. i cant be open with my family about nearly any of my beliefs or interests, hence why i am so fervent and adamant them in spaces that i can be (like, here, for instance, blogging until i am blue in the face about warcraft and dumb rave shit). in person i feel foolish among other wow fans, who play the game better than i do and know more about the lore than i do, and i am made to feel like an imposter (FUCK YOU spellcheck i prefer the -er) or an idiot or a “fake fan” or like “wow you dedicate so much of your life to this and you still dont know a fucking thing, what a loser, what a moron”. and i feel that way about rave shit too. hanging around other DJs and shit who know so much more about their specific areas, things im not necessarily against knowing but havent really done the research on my own, i feel like i’m nothing, too.

i dont have any worthwhile qualities and especially nothing that i’m capable of doing to a lucrative or productive degree. i have a worthless art degree, speaking of which, after 5 interminable soul-crushing years at a university that ground me in its teeth and made me feel like i belonged as a smear on the pavement. and then i almost was that after being hit by a car during what was supposed to be my final semester. 

im just really not supposed to be here and i have nothing to offer. and i know nobody is “supposed” to be here but i dont even have the means to act like it or to make myself useful. i cant even be useful to myself. i cant even do the things i have an inkling of wanting to do. i just start hitting myself or crying even when i try to do the things that will make me happy. the amount of times ive been at my tables mixing away and then beating the shit out of myself at the slightest mistake and having to sit in the bath for an hour to calm down are innumerable. drawing isn’t as violent, unless im interrupted, in which case it becomes a heavy weight, like an anvil on my forehead, screaming about all the time i was wasting, and how i spent x hours on this and it still looks like shit or it’s completely pointless or “oh orcs again how fucking original you fucking cuntrag of course your favorite is the inexcusably evil and violent genocidal piece of shit character you constantly try to “fix” in your head and make excuses for because youre a broken worthless idiot addicted to abuse since being used is the only function you have in this world”

im kind of glad r/incel was banned because i was developing kind of a hate-read addiction to seeing screenshots on here. i never went to the reddit itself but being raised on that kind of mentality brought back a lot of feelings, and i was trying to train myself to just laugh at those posts, but so many people like that have ruined me in the past that i ended up feeling like i had a duty to “hear” them out. i was practically raised by men who would now be classified as “incels” and that rhetoric comprised a bulk of my understanding about sexuality, especially when my introduction to the entire concept of sex was through entitlement via rape. i thought letting myself be abused was some act of altruism, and that men wanting to possess me was something admirable and validating, especially since i was so ugly, that they in turn were being charitable by allowing themselves to be associated with me, that the least i could do was let them get some kind of pleasure out of it. 

sure i didnt know any better as a child but im still fighting these feelings as an adult. i cant even navigate my own feelings about men. the pirate wants to go to bar sinister again on saturday (with smee, luckily) but i still cant feel out if it’s a date or not, and i still cant decide whether or not i’m comfortable with it being a date, since i dont know what attraction is, i dont want to hurt the guy’s feelings, and i’d like to stay friends, and i dont want to make him mad, and i dont want to lead him on either, and i DONT KNOW WHY i am basically arguing with myself as to whether or not i should ‘let this happen’, that i should just allow something to happen to me, again, because i “pursued” this man enough to let him know i wanted to get to know him better and hang with him outside of just seeing him on the bus, but i do not believe i have ever consciously pursued someone romantically IN MY LIFE (and if i did i was the last to know i was doing it). i have never had the thought “I want to date this person” because i dont fucking know what dating is, i dont know what anything is, i dont fucking know anything, i am not someone who would intentionally make a “First Move” on someone in the way of “wow i want to kiss this person so i had better get to know them better” like they do in the movies.

ultimately i guess i cannot ever imagine someone respecting me and being reciprocal with me. cannot ever imagine someone wanting to be around me for me and not because of some ulterior motive, like that theyre in love with me because of some shit emotional labor they squeezed out of me or some naive infatuation theyve conjured up in their heads about how we’re going to be married someday even if i explicitly reject them outright on several separate occasions, or how they’re so emotionally stunted that me being a cordial human being and sharing a trace of interest with them (wow youre a girl, AND you play video games? AND you have hooves?) translates into a crush because they have zero boundaries or understanding of women. 

cause like, im a fucking disaster area. i dont even want to be around me. i cannot even look at myself in the mirror, my insecurity is volatile, i’m incredibly unstable and i have no self-preservation or means of independence. if you want to be dragged down in every facet possible, look no further: i am a living embodiment of trench foot. so because i deem myself having no value i dont see why anyone else could. which is why im comfortable with traces of platonic shit and why social media is perfect. it’s meaningful enough interaction to let me know that i, individually, have value, but superficial and ephemeral enough to know it’s not because anyone has any weird fucking obsession with or bias toward me. my art appears on their dash in a flash and if they like it, they like it, and that’s it. they dont gotta say shit, and it’s an entirely objective Unit of Value not based on any expected performance from me or my identity as a human being. Just, deemed worthy, and if they add their own addendum or something it’s because they’re contributing to something larger, not directly feeding into my ego/personhood. 

and in turn, on my blog i can provide whatever sort of content i want without expectation and at the end of the day even if it goes unnoticed, im not doing it for any means to an end so ultimately its impact is irrelevant. like, thank fucking god. my blog doesnt provide a service to people where they expect some kind of Product, and they can opt out at any time. as long as im not going around hurting people (and obviously i would never want to do that) my blog doesnt matter, and i dont have to matter. 

“you matter”. fuck off. maybe i dont want to matter. maybe im better off just being a transient, tied to nothing and no one to keep from burdening anybody or burdening myself by feeling like i have to be fucking “useful” all the time. 

for how truly invisible i feel all the time, it’s ironic how much i wish i could be.