#ive recovered from all of that shit now but 11 year old me was a broken hurting person because of it

[felix-lupin]

I've noticed a lot of antis will say that the reason they hate pro-shippers is because they "want to protect children". However, this desire seems to completely vanish when the child is a proshipper themself.

I understand that some of them genuinely think they're doing good, don't get me wrong. But.

When I was ten or eleven I started being proship. That was the first time I was on the internet in any way, as I had spent the majority of my childhood being sheltered and isolated. I hadn't met anyone else proship, I didn't even know the word for it. I just was.

In my journey to figure out how everything worked, I ended up shipping something "problematic." I couldn't understand that it was seen as problematic or why anyone would think it was bad, because I was f*cking 11.

Even though I was 11 (and it always stated it in my bios, because I was a dumb kid), whenever I would express that I enjoyed that ship, I would be sent hate my way. I was told multiple times to kill myself, to hurt myself, and that "this is why your parents never loved you" (I had posted in the past about having issues in my family life and believing that my parent had abandoned me).

So most antis claim they only want to help children, yet so many of them will go out and tell literal 9-13 year olds to kill themselves the second they mention being. I was already dealing with extreme depression, and it made it so much worse I was told the world would be better off without me, that everybody would hate me if they found out. By strangers, who knew nothing about me. I remember crying so many times, thinking that I was a burden on society. That my family, my friends, my joyfriend would hate me.

I remember being scared to tell my therapist, because the people I interacted with on the internet convinced me everyone would hate me. I remember that was one of the first times I hurt myself. I remember feeling so alone, hating myself so much. Every waking moment I just thought about how much everyone would 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘮𝘦. I remember feeling so ashamed, keeping it bottled up and not wanting anyone to know why I was hurting so much, trying to hide how much I was hurting because it was "stupid of me" to hurt so much over that.

I remember trying to stop shipping that content, but it was like a weird involuntary thing. I didn't consume or create content of it for a while, but then I felt worse when I didn't, though. I later learned that I had been involuntarily hyperfixating on that ship and the media surrounding it.

I remember constantly reminding myself it was bad, so if I liked it 𝘐 was bad. That if I liked it I was a horrible person. It didn't stop. I hated myself so fucking much. I remember wishing I would die so I wouldn't "be like this" anymore.

But yea. You just wanna protect kids. /s

[missjackil]

I posted 201 times in 2022

104 posts created (52%)

97 posts reblogged (48%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@missjackil

@small-scale-majestic

@samshinechester

@nancylou444

@durinsbride

I tagged 163 of my posts in 2022

Only 19% of my posts had no tags

#sam winchester - 36 posts

#gofundme - 35 posts

#sam and dean - 27 posts

#charity - 25 posts

#dean winchester - 23 posts

#supernatural - 23 posts

#help - 22 posts

#spn - 19 posts

#boost - 14 posts

#jared padalecki - 11 posts

Longest Tag: 51 characters

#and still complaining almost 2 years after it ended

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

What did i miss?

Ive been working all day but my twitter blew up with people losing thier shit over something good in the J2 world?? Can someone enlighten me?

59 notes - Posted February 10, 2022

#4

Once Upon a Covid...

I am a single mother of an adult daughter and as many of you know, last month our car broke, and soon after we both contracted Covid. It was a pretty harrowing experience, we both missed a lot of work, she was out for 10 days, and I was out for 15. We live paycheck to paycheck with no savings, so this is devastating. Between the 2 of us, we lost nearly $2,000 in pay not to mention the $500 +/- it's going to take to get the car fixed, not to mention towing.

I started a GoFundMe page and though many of you have donated, we're not even 1/8 to goal. We have had to use what's been given thus far for food and Uber to and from our jobs.

Tomorrow is payday (bi-weekly) for both of us, it will be for 3 work days for her, but a big fat 0 for me until 2 weeks from now, so we won't have enough for food and Uber for the next 2 weeks until our checks are back to normal. However, no bills can be paid in the meantime and they're ALL due, (rent and water are past due) and while we need to use Uber, it will be as though I'm not working at all.

It costs me $10-13 per day because I don't live very far from work and can get a ride home but it costs my daughter about $70 per day because she works farther away. So spending $80 per day eats a day of work for every day we don't have a working car.

We will never recover from this without a miracle.

So please donate and/or share our GoFundMe page on any SM platform you can or donate directly at $MissJackiL on Cash app

Thank you! ♥️

60 notes - Posted August 17, 2022

#3

Happy 40th Birthday to my favorite man on the planet!

Thank you for making this old rock a brighter place to live on! I love you Big Guy! 😍♥️

60 notes - Posted July 19, 2022

#2

Sam Winchester is bae

This is the hill I choose to die on.

190 notes - Posted May 18, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Sam Winchesters first words on Supernatural "Do I have to?" Really set the tone for his next 15 years.

317 notes - Posted July 5, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[boreothegoldfinch]

chapter 11 paragraph iv

What I somehow hadn't expected was a city prinked-up for Christmas: fir boughs and tinsel, starburst ornaments in the shop windows and a cold stiff wind coming off the canals and fires and festival stalls and people on bicycles, toys and color and candy, holiday confusion and gleam. Little dogs, little children, gossipers and watchers and package bearers, clowns in top hats and military greatcoats and a little dancing jester in Christmas clothes à la Avercamp. I still wasn’t quite awake and none of it seemed to have any more reality than the fleeting dream of Pippa I’d had on the plane where I’d spotted her in a park with many tall fountains and a Saturn-ringed planet hanging low and majestic in the sky. “Nieuwmarkt,” said Gyuri as we came out on a big circle with a turreted fairytale castle and—around it—an open air market, cut evergreens lightly frosted with snow, mittened vendors stamping, an illustration from a children’s book. “Ho, ho, ho.” “Always a lot of police here,” said Boris gloomily, sliding into the door as Gyuri took the turn hard. For various reasons I was apprehensive about accommodations, and ready to make my excuses in case they involved anything like squatter conditions or sleeping on the floor. Luckily Myriam had booked me a hotel in a canal house in the old part of town. I dropped my bags, locked the cash in the safe, and went back out to the street to meet Boris. Gyuri had gone to park the car. He dropped his cigarette on the cobblestones and dashed it under his heel. “I’ve not been here in a while,” he said, his breath coming out white, as he looked round appraisingly at the soberly clad pedestrians on the street. “My flat in Antwerp—well it is for business reasons I am in Antwerp. Beautiful city too—same sea clouds, same light. Someday we will go there. But I always forget how much I like it here as well. Starving to death, you?” he said, punching me in the arm. “Mind walking a bit?” Down narrow streets we wandered, damp alleys too narrow for cars, foggy little ochreous shops filled with old prints and dusty porcelains. Canal footbridge: brown water, lonely brown duck. Plastic cup half-submerged and bobbing. The wind was raw and wet with blown pinpricks of sleet and the space around us felt close and dank. Didn’t the canals freeze in winter? I asked. “Yes, but—” wiping his nose—“global warming, I suppose.” In his overcoat and suit from the previous night’s party he looked both completely out of place and completely at home. “What a dog’s weather! Shall we duck in here? Do you think?” The dirty canal-side bar, or café, or whatever it was, had dark wood and a maritime theme, oars and life preservers, red candles burning low even in the daytime and a desolate foggy feel. Smoky, muggy light. Water droplets condensed on the inside of the windowpane. No menus. In back was a chalkboard scrawled with foods unintelligible to me: dagsoep, draadjesvlees, kapucijnerschotel, zuurkoolstamppot. “Here, let me order,” said Boris, and proceeded to do so, surprisingly, in Dutch. What arrived was a typically Boris meal of beer, bread, sausages, and potatoes with pork and sauerkraut. Boris—happily gobbling—was reminiscing about his first and only attempt to ride a bicycle in the city (wipeout, disaster) and also how much he enjoyed the new herring in Amsterdam, which fortunately wasn’t in season since apparently you ate it by holding it up by the tail fin and dangling it down into your mouth, but I was too disoriented by my surroundings to listen very closely and with almost painfully heightened senses I stirred at the potato mess with my fork and felt the strangeness of the city pressing in all around me, smells of tobacco and malt and nutmeg, café walls the melancholy brown of an old leather-bound book and then beyond, dark passages and brackish water lapping, low skies and old buildings all leaning against each other with a moody, poetic, edgeof-destruction feel, the cobblestoned loneliness of a city that felt—to me, anyway—like a place where you might come to let the water close over your head.

Before long Gyuri joined us, red-cheeked and breathless. “Parking—bit of a problem here,” he said. “Sorry.” He extended his hand to me. “Glad to see you!” he said, embracing me with a genuine-seeming warmth that startled me, as if we were old friends long separated. “Everything is okay?” Boris, on his second pint by now, was holding forth a bit about Horst. “I do not know why he does not move to Amsterdam,” he said, gnawing happily on a hunk of sausage. “Constantly he complains about New York! Hate hate hate! And all the holy while—” waving a hand at the canal outside the fogged window—“everything he loves is here. Even the language is same as his. If he really wanted to be happy in the world, Horst? To have any kind of joyful or happy life? He should pay twenty grand to go back to his rapid detox place and then come here and smoke Buddha Haze and stand in a museum all day long.” “Horst—?” I said, looking from one to the other. “Sorry?” “Does he know you’re here?” Boris gulped his beer. “Horst? No. He does not. It is going to be much, much easier if Horst learns about all this after. Because—” licking a dab of mustard off his finger—“my suspicions are correct. Fucking Sascha who stole the thing. Ulrika’s brother,” he said urgently. “Which with Ulrika puts Horst in bad position. So—much better if I take care of it on my own, see? I am doing Horst a favor this way—favor he won’t forget.” “What do you mean, ‘take care of it’?” Boris sighed. “It—” he looked around to make sure no one was listening, even though we were the only people in the place—”well, it is complicated, I could talk for three days, but I can also tell you in three lines what has happened.” “Does Ulrika know he took it?” Rolled eyes. “Search me.” A phrase I had taught Boris years ago, horsing around at my house after school. Search me. Cut it out. Smoky desert twilight, shades drawn. Make up your mind. Let’s face it. No way. Same shadows on his face. Gold light glinting off the doors by the pool. “I think Sascha would have to be very stupid to tell Ulrika,” said Gyuri, with a worried expression on his face. “I don’t know what Ulrika knows or does not know. Has no relevance. She has loyalty to her brother over Horst, as she has shown many and many times over. You would think—” grandly signalling the waitress to bring Gyuri a pint —“you would think Sascha had sense to sit on it for a while, at least! But no. He can’t get a loan on it in Hamburg or Frankfurt because of Horst—because Horst would hear of it in one second. So he has brought it here.” “Well look, if you know who has it we should just call the police.” The silence, and blank looks that followed this, were as if I’d produced a can of gasoline and suggested lighting ourselves on fire. “Well, I mean,” I said defensively, after the waitress had arrived with Gyuri’s beer, set it down, left again, and neither Gyuri nor Boris had spoken a word. “Isn’t that the safest? And easiest? If the cops recover it and you have nothing to do with it?” Ding of a bicycle bell, woman clattering by on the sidewalk, rattle of spokes, witchy black cape flying behind. “Because—” glancing between them—“when you think of what this picture has gone through—what it must have gone through—I don’t know if you understand, Boris, how much care has to be taken even to ship a painting? Just to pack it properly? Why take any chances?” “This is my feeling exactly.” “An anonymous call. To the art-crimes people. They’re not like the normal cops—no connections with the normal cops—the picture is all they care about. They’ll know what to do.”

Boris leaned back in his chair. He looked around. Then he looked at me. “No,” he said. “That is not a good idea.” His tone was that of someone addressing a five year old. “And, do you want to know why?” “Think about it. It’s the easiest way. You wouldn’t have to do a thing.” Boris set his beer glass down carefully. “They’d have the best chance of getting it back unharmed. Also, if I do it —if I call them—shit, I could have Hobie call them—” hands to head—“any way you look at it, you wouldn’t be putting yourselves at risk. That is to say”—I was too tired, disoriented; two pairs of Dremel-drill eyes, I couldn’t think—“if I did it, or someone else not a part of your, um, organization—” Boris let out a shout of laughter. “Organization? Well—” shaking his head so vigorously the hair fell in his eyes—“I suppose we count as organization, of sorts, since we are three or more—! But we are not very large or very organized as you can see.” “You should eat something,” said Gyuri to me, in the tense pause that followed, looking at my untouched plate of pork and potato. “He should eat,” he said to Boris. “Tell him to eat.” “Let him starve if he wants. Anyway,” said Boris, grabbing a chunk of pork off my plate and popping it in his mouth— “One call. I’ll do it.” “No,” said Boris, glowering suddenly and pushing back in his chair. “You will not. No, no, fuck you, shut up, you won’t,” he said, lifting his chin aggressively when I tried to talk over him—Gyuri’s hand on my wrist very suddenly, a touch I knew very well, the old forgotten Vegas language of when my dad was in the kitchen ranting about whose house it was? and who paid for what?— “And, and,” said Boris imperiously, taking advantage of a lull in my response he was not expecting, “I want you to stop talking this stupid ‘call’ business right away. ‘Call, call,’ ” he said, when he got no answer from me, waving his hand back and forth ridiculously in the air as if “call” were some absurd kiddie word that meant ‘unicorn’ or ‘fairyland.’ “I know you are trying to help but this is not helpful suggestion on your part. So forget it. No more ‘call.’ Anyway,” he said amiably, pouring part of his own beer into my halfempty glass. “As I was explaining to you. Since Sascha is in so big hurry? Is he thinking clearly? Is he playing more than one, or maybe two moves ahead? No. Sascha is out of towner. His connections here are poisonous to him. He needs money. And he is working so hard to stay clear of Horst that he has wandered smack into me.” I said nothing. It would be easy enough to phone the police myself. There was no reason to involve Boris or Gyuri at all. “Amazing stroke of luck, no? And our friend the Georgian—very rich man, but so far from Horst’s world and so far from art collector, he did not even know of picture by name. Just a bird—little yellow bird. But Cherry believes he is telling the truth that he saw it. Very powerful guy in terms of real estate? Here and in Antwerp? Plenty of paper and father to Cherry almost, but not person of great education if you understand me.” “Where is it now?” Boris rubbed his nose vigorously. “I do not know. They are not going to tell us that, are they? But Vitya has got in touch to say he knows of a buyer. And a meeting has been set up.” “Where?” “Not settled yet. They have already changed the location half a dozen times. Paranoid,” he said, making a screw-loose gesture at the side of his head with his hand. “They may make us wait a day or two. We may know only an hour before.” “Cherry,” I said, and stopped. Vitya was short for Cherry’s Russian name, Viktor—Victor, the Anglicized version—but Cherry was only a nickname and I didn’t know a thing about Sascha: not his age, not his surname, not what he looked like, nothing at all except that he was Ulrika’s brother—and even this was uncertain in the literal sense, given how loosely Boris threw around the word.

Boris sucked a bit of grease off his thumb. “My idea was—set up something at your hotel. You know, you, American, big shot, interested in the picture. They”—he lowered his voice as the waitress switched his empty pint for a full one, Gyuri nodding politely, leaning in—“they would come to your room. That’s how is done usually. All very businesslike. But”—minimal shrug—“they are new at this, and paranoid. They want to call their own location. “Which is?” “Don’t know yet! Didn’t I just say? They keep changing their mind. If they want us to wait—we wait. We have to let them think they are boss. Now, sorry,” he said, stretching and yawning, rubbing a dark-circled eye with a fingertip, “I am tired! Want a nap!” He turned and said something to Gyuri in Ukrainian, and then turned back to me. “Sorry,” he said, leaning in and slinging his arm around my shoulder. “You can find your way back to your hotel?” I tried to disengage myself without seeming to. “Right. Where are you staying?” “Girlfriend’s flat—Zeedijk.” “Near Zeedijk,” said Gyuri, rising purposefully, with a polite and vaguely military air. “Chinese quarter of the old times.” “What’s the address?” “Cannot remember. You know me. I cannot remember addresses in my head and like that. But—” Boris tapped his pocket—“your hotel.” “Right.” Back in Vegas, if we ever got separated—running from the mall cops, pockets full of stolen gift cards—my house was always the rendezvous point. “So—I’ll meet you back there. And you have my phone number, and I have yours. Will call you when I know something more. Now—” slapping me on the back of the head—“stop worrying, Potter! Don’t stand there and look so unhappy! If we lose, we win, and if we win, we win! Everything is good! You know which way to go to get back, don’t you? Just up this way, and left when you get to the Singel. Yes, there. We will speak soon.”

[covid19updater]

COVID19 UPDATES 03/27/2020

Livestream of FDNY radio traffic for a taste of the battle being fought: LINK

WRAPPING UP WEEK 2 OF FULLTIME TELEWORK, THIS CAPTURES THE NEW NORMAL:

RUMINT (PA): Hospital INTEL (eastern PA). Currently on 14 day quarantine from work in the ER. Hospitals running out of everything. Don't go outside. Getting bad out there.

US: U.S. coronavirus cases: - New York: 37,738 (385 deaths) - New Jersey: 6,876 (81 deaths) - California: 3,718 (78 deaths) - Michigan: 2,856 (60 deaths) - Washington: 2,580 (132 deaths) - Illinois: 2,538 (26 deaths) - Massachusetts: 2,417 (25 deaths) - Louisiana: 2,305 (83 deaths)

France: BREAKING - A teenager has died from #COVID19 for the first time in France - the 16-year-old patient died in the Paris region, confirmed the French Health Minister.

NYC: NEW: Five hundred more cops called in sick Thursday — leaving NYPD without 11 percent of its officers who patrol the city streets as the coronavirus continues to disrupt staffing in the department, The Post has learned.

Georgia: Georgia's worst-hit hospital fills 3 ICU units with 'critically ill' coronavirus patients. LINK

RUMINT (Massachusetts): Update on my family member. Started showing symptoms on Monday.He took a turn for the worse today started having severe coughing fits and his temp jumped to 103. His wife called the hospital, they assigned her a number when his number is up an ambulance will pick him up. Took about 20 to 30 mins before an ambulance came to get him. His wife is also symptomatic they have been married for just over 60 years. It's a sad day. This is where we are now in MA.You have to wait in line at home before they come and get you. This is going to get so much worse.

Michigan: Michigan 2856 cases 60 deaths

World: With Few Willing to Fly, Airliners Are Transforming Into Cargo Planes LINK

US: Potential impact of idiotic Spring Breakers. LINK

World: Covid-19: Up to 10% of recovered patients test positive later, say Wuhan doctors LINK

RUMINT:  Nurse here, boots on the ground checking in: Seeing a lot of patients come in for rule out of course. The sickies who are looking septic and need respiratory support (from NC to high flow to vent) are often young--ive seen 20s-50s. A few have "poop colored" sputum...not rusty, but brown. I've had a truly shitty day as a few on my team (that covers the entire hospital including ER, ICU and COVID unit) arent being as diligent and are putting myself and others at risk. They think I'm being over anxious and micromanaging. Suit yourself...but since 98% of patients whether covid, rule out or not have barking coughs and need oxygen...I'm not taking chances. Its disheartening and I came this close to either flipping out or walking out. And yes, PPE shortage is real as hell and too scary. Our hospital system actually approved a pattern for cloth masks to be sewn. We are encouraged to seek out our own respirators/N95s as the current supply will only go so far and only last so many uses.

Iran: Iranian media reports nearly 300 people have been killed and more than 1,000 sickened by ingesting toxic methanol across the Islamic Republic out of the false belief it kills the new coronavirus - AP

UK: The Government has written to all local authorities in England asking them to house all people sleeping rough,those in hostels and night shelters by the weekend in a bid to protect people during the covid-19 outbreak

Spain: Spain Returns 1st Faulty Batch Test Kits To China As They Failed To Work; Spanish Association Of Microbiologists (Seimc) Warned That The Testing Kits In This Batch Performed With An Accuracy Level Of Under 30%

UK: Prime Minister Boris Johnson tested positive for Covid 19

Spain: SPAIN'S HEALTH EMERGENCY CHIEF SAYS 9,444 HEALTH WORKERS TESTED POSITIVE TO CORONAVIRUS

Italy: HEAD OF ITALY'S NATIONAL HEALTH COUNCIL SAYS ON THE BASIS OF THE DATA IT IS INEVITABLE THAT ITALY'S LOCKDOWN MUST BE EXTENDED BEYOND CURRENT APRIL 3 DATE

Massachusetts: 8 Boston Police Officers have tested positive for Corona Virus. LINK

UK: UK HEALTH SECRETARY HANCOCK TESTS POSITIVE - SELF ISOLATING AT HOME, SYMPTOMS MILD

RUMINT (New York): My cousin is a nurse in New York, she texted me this. I haven’t personally taken care of any covid patients yet thank god but I’m being transferred to a covid unit on Monday which I’m not looking forward to.. more worried about my family than myself, I don’t want to infect anyone when I get home. But what you see on the news is real, lots of people being ventilated, it’s so sad/scary and the hospitals don’t even have enough masks/ protective gear for us it’s so terrible; can’t wait for this to all be over!! New York is truly a mess we pretty much are on lock down.

RUMINT (Mississippi): Good morning! Sipping my coffee getting ready to go to work. Got word last night that due to low census, they are CUTTING nurses in the ER by 4. I cannot tell you how this is going to crush the morale of the already stressed out nurses I work with. I no longer feel guilty about leaving. That place is going to kill people with their incompetence. They cite "budget" reasons. Um, you've already budgeted for the minimal staffing for the year, which is 12 nurses a shift, so that shit doesn't fly with me. One day the people will come back with a vengeance and the nurses will be the one's to suffer, not management. Fuckers. The non-emergent people have heeded the warning to stay away from the ER unless you are having a CVA, MI, Bleeding or have a bone showing. The drop in census is about 50 pts a day which is not that much to me, but the suits think it's significant. That's 2 pts an HOUR. It goes to show the bullshit that usually packs the waiting rooms. Maybe people will realize they can live without running to the ER for stupid stuff that they can treat at home, but I digress. We've had 6 deaths in Mississippi so far. Since we've started testing our cases have steadily gone up. Scary for this sparsely populated state, but I kept telling them it was coming. Nobody seemed to listen or care until it was on their doorstep.

Connecticut: UConn Health doctor arrested after allegedly coughing on medical employees intentionally LINK

NYC: The NYPD has lost their 1st member of their department from the corona virus.

World: Two sailors aboard another aircraft carrier, Japan-based USS Ronald Reagan, have tested positive for Covid-19: U.S. officials The naval base outside Tokyo where Reagan is currently pier-side has now been put on lockdown through the weekend.

Italy: Italy Cases +5959 in last 24 hrs. Deaths +919 in last 24 hrs.

NYC: From listening to the FDNY radio traffic livestream (link at top of today’s post) since 6am this morning, I have personally heard a LOT of calls go out for respiratory distress that have then been upgraded to CPR in progress. Not good.

World: WHO'S TEDROS SAYS A VACCINE IS AT LEAST 12-18 MONTHS AWAY #CoronavirusOutbreak

NY: #NewYork to build eight temporary hospitals to meet an expected surge in #coronavirus patients: @NYGovCuomo

California: California Governor Gavin Newsom: "We project that roughly 56 percent of our population -- 25.5 million people -- will be infected with the virus over an eight-week period."

UK: BREAKING: Birmingham Airport (#UK) confirmed as temporary mortuary site to house 1,500 bodies in #coronavirus pandemic.

US/World: #BREAKING: 4 dead aboard Holland America Zaandam. Ship is currently off the coast of Panama and intends to dock at Port Everglades next week.  There are reports from Panama that the Zaandam has been denied crossing the Panama Canal. That could be why it appears to be holding right now.

Michigan:  Mental breakdown of crying ICU nurse from Michigan hospital after 13 hour shift. War zone conditions. LINK

Italy: The list of doctors who died for Covid-19 from north to south Italy is growing hour by hour. The total reached 51 deaths, learns from the Federation of doctors' orders.

China: China Shuts Down All Cinemas, Again

NYC: More than 500 members of the NYPD have now contracted the coronavirus, a spokesman said.- 486 uniformed officers  - 71 civilians employees. The number of cops out sick was not immediately known.

NYC: DELIVERY TRUCKS REFUSING TO ENTER NEW YORK CITY ON CORONAVIRUS FEARS: MSNBC

New Jersey: Lakewood Police, where the most #coronavirus cases are in Ocean County, break up another wedding, @OCPONJ files charge as state & @NewJerseyOAG get serious about large gatherings.

Texas: Woman describes sister’s battle with COVID19. LINK

Texas: 36% of hospitalized patients require admission to the ICU, Dallas County officials say

California: It’s incredible and eerie at the same time. A MASH unit being set up by the Air @CalGuard; at the Santa Clara Convention Center. This is for the expected surge of #COVID19 next week. 250 beds for those discharged by hospital but still ordered to isolate. LINK

France:  LATEST DEATH TOLL IN FRANCE FROM CORONAVIRUS STANDS AT 1,995 DEATHS (VS 1,696) - PUBLIC HEALTH OFFICIAL

World: Holland America says 53 guests and 85 crew have flue like symptoms on the Zaandam.There are 4 doctors and 4 nurses onboard. The 4 guests who passed away were older, the cruise line says. The cruise left Buenos Aires on March 7th. No one has been off the ship since March 14th.

Ohio: Citing @ClevelandClinic, @GovMikeDeWine says pandemic will "kick in much harder" in about 2 weeks, & peak may not come until mid-May. State will likely have to triple its hospital capacity.

RUMINT (Rhode Island): Some backwoods intel that the National Guard is on the RI-CT border on RT 95 stopping cars from NY and NJ from entering RI

NYC: NBC News: Right now the FDNY has approximately 170 calls holding, which means that if you don't have a serious medical issue you may be waiting awhile for an ambulance.

Turkey: BREAKING - Turkey’s President is about to give a national address about #COVID19 following two rapid acceleration days taking the coronavirus case count past 5,000. Rumors of a shutdown.

California: #BREAKING: In less than a week, LA County has more than tripled in its number of confirmed cases, according to Los Angeles County Public Health Director Dr. Barbara Ferrer.

Ohio: (@GovMikeDeWine) If you don't believe that we could see 10,000 new cases a day -- We've tried to describe what the science tells us. Hospitals looking at the modeling and say that this is coming. It's here.The evidence indicates that cases will double every six days. This is a train that is moving. It starts slowly, but it will start moving faster and faster and faster.

NY: COMMANDING GENERAL OF U.S. ARMY CORPS OF ENGINEERS SAYS PLANS ON HAVING 2,900 ROOMS READY FOR NON-CORONAVIRUS PATIENTS IN JAVITS CENTER NEW YORK BY MONDAY

World: Coronavirus damages the heart after attacking the lungs, new study reveals LINK

California: "It's difficult for me to imagine that it won't happen here," says @MayorOfLA Eric Garcetti who predicts we're six to 12 days behind NYC in terms of #COVID19 cases. @KNX1070

South Carolina: SOUTH CAROLINA GOVERNOR ANNOUNCES THAT ANYONE ENTERING THE STATE FROM NEW YORK, NEW JERSEY, CONNECTICUT AND NEW ORLEANS WILL BE QUARANTINED FOR 14 DAYS - WMBF

Massachusetts: Boston to open a First a Responders only Covid-19 testing site at Suffolk Downs. LINK

China: Fighting erupts at Chinese bridge between Hubei, Jiangxi provinces. LINK

[melloveslove]

Preach Practicin'

I've suffered from PTSD, from my childhood. My parents divorced when I was at a very young age and neither one of them had any sort of concept on how to raise a healthy human being. Because their parents didn't know how and those parents of those parents didn't know how and on and on it went. I had a fucked up childhood and I went to therapy to deal with it. Part of that therapy was attempting to start this blog. And I don't even know what this Tumblr blog even is anymore because all I started doing was sharing, how I wanted to feel and how I wanted to look at the world and how I wanted the world to look at itself. And for the most part I live the things that I post. For over a decade I've considered myself a spiritual intentionalist. No such thing as accidents or coincidences. You make your future you decide how you're going to feel and all of that other happy horseshit. But for the past six months I have been living in a world that I don't feel that I created. I am experiencing things that I don't think I invited and I don't know what the hell to do with any of it. It started with the divorce. The father of my three kids and the man that I've been with since the year 2000 just…ugh. I shouldn't have been with him for 17 years. I shouldn't have created three human beings with him. I shouldn't of kept trying and trying and trying to change someone. It all came to a head when I started respecting myself. The divorce was/is amicable enough but the day after I decided that I didn't want a husband anymore, was the day that my first true love, or the person that I thought was my first true love, reached out to me through Facebook. It was a shock to say the least. This supposed first true love turned out to be a recovering meth addict. When I attempted to help him in his recovery I learned that I'm not the person I was when I was 17 and that I am not anyone's fucking mother. Twofold, I am not my ex-husband's mother and I am not going to mother old boyfriends who are batshit crazy. The day that my now ex-husband moved out was the same day that my old ex-boyfriend went psycho and I dropped him like a hot rock, and the same day that I got one of the worst flu's I've had in my entire life. Which was when I discovered how awful some of my coworkers are. That segues into my psycho coworkers and the people that I have to deal with every single day, the people I've had to deal with every single day for the past six months. People that are trying to get me fired. People that ride my ass for the stupidest things you could possibly be ridden for. I work in animal shelter, and today for example I got into trouble for not walking a dog properly. I got in trouble for not knowing that I wasn't supposed to park my car in a certain spot. I got into trouble for taking too long cleaning outdoor dog kennels. I got into trouble for turning a the knob on the dryer the wrong direction. Six months people. I've been dealing with this sort of insanity for six months and I don't know how much longer I can deal with it. The last week of May and into the first week of June I missed nine days of work because all of a sudden my right foot stopped working. I saw three specialists and the only thing I got out of it was that I definitely had plantar fasciitis, and heel spurs, they're not quite sure what else is wrong. Here came more medical bills. And a bunch of coworkers who thought I was faking it. Things really took a turn for the worse. Speaking of things that I don't know how much longer I can deal with, my divorce is still ongoing. The day after my ex-husband moved out of the house, the house that he said I could keep in the divorce so that our kids could stay in their school district, I found out from the mortgage company that he hadn't been paying the mortgage. I was supposed to come up with a $17,000 reinstatement fee. On 1 July it had come up to $25,000. A single mom that works for a nonprofit, who has no rich friends, who has family that sucks and isn't helpful and never has been, and who doesn't have very great credit can't get a loan for more than $6000. i've spent the last six months trying to sell off everything I own. On top of getting multiple phone calls per day from debt collectors. And every time they call I say I'm trying to save my house I'm trying to save my kids from moving I'm trying to save all of my pets from going off to new homes. That's failing. We all have to go. And by all of us that includes my new life partner and companion. The one thing I always intended to have was a person who was intelligent and responsible, a good parent, just someone that I could fall in love with who would fall in love with me back. It sounds crazy because I was married but marriage to me was a lot of things but I was never in love. So I met this guy back in April. And it was love at first sight or something like that for both of us. And we went real quick. Because it felt like it was meant to be, all of the things that the other person was needing and searching for and wanting to share we found within each each other. It was magic. The magic turned into some sort of an awful cauldron spell that had gone horribly wrong on June 17. He was riding his motorcycle just down the road from my house, the first time in all of his years of riding that he wasn't wearing any of his gear. He avoided an oncoming car and got into a terrible motorcycle accident. He almost died and spent five days in the ICU hooked up to all the machines you see on TV. He was in the hospital a total of 18 days. And now he has to get antibiotics by IV every day and he has a gastric tube that will stay in for who knows how much longer. And his stomach is still an open hole that has a wound VAC attached to it. He couldn't go back to where he was living because he would be by himself and he couldn't take care of himself by himself, so because I love him not only as a partner but as a person I moved him into my house so that I could help take care of him. A house that I'm getting evicted from because it's being foreclosed on in three weeks. Oh and the ex-husband, he was also knee-deep in debt. And the child support that he is supposed to be providing because he's gone all of the time, I mean all of the time his jobs out of state he's never here, he can't pay because the credit card companies wiped out all of his bank accounts. I can't even get into all of the problems that my 15-year-old son has decided to start doing but let's just say that I had to have three sheriffs Deputy's assist me in getting him out of his girlfriends car because he refused to come home. And he got into deep shit by the cops because he was lying about why he wouldn't come home and they knew it and I knew it oh and I think he's stealing cash. Did I mention that my youngest child is on the autism spectrum with an anxiety disorder and ADHD? A week before the motorcycle accident I dropped and broke my phone, ran over something and popped a tire, I am lost my retainers which I have to come up with $310 to replace because if I don't over $5000 worth of medically necessary orthodontics will be for nothing. I guess I'm just putting it all out there that people who profess to look on the bright side and who believe in intentionality and who believe that there is a lesson in every life's obstacles and all of the other things that I profess to believe and have it hard too. And I know that I'm not in a war torn country and I know that I'm not living under a perpetual fear of murder by cops or being beaten by a partner or some life-threatening disease... but this shit is hard too. I can't sleep without the help of meds. I grind my teeth and I get migraines and I hyperventilate and I get sick and I cry and I can feel depression rolling through my body into my hands. All of my so-called friends have said over and over that they would help me, but did they help me when I needed to sell all my shit off and held a huge garage sale? Did they help me when I said I needed to have a packing party? Did my family step up and help me with my children when I needed to keep working full-time? No. None of these things happened. I am completely and utterly alone. The divorce will keep proceeding and I will still have to keep taking care of my kids without any sort of financial support from their dad. I will have to keep working in one of the most stressful jobs in the nation with people who are hell-bent on making me quit. I have to keep taking care of MyPerson whom I love, and the gratitude that I have for his recovery is awesome. I have to keep trying to be there for my 15-year-old son and I have to find a way to get him the mental health support that he so desperately deserves that I can't provide. I have to keep trying to maintain schedules and structure and stability in a world of chaos for my 11-year-old. I have to force myself to keep eating and drinking water and repeating mantras and getting enough sleep. But there are not enough beautiful Memes or photos with idyllic quotes to get me through this crap. And I keep wondering if I did something wrong. How did I invite this reality? And how do I make it better when I don't feel like I invited it to begin with?… End rant.

[pathfinderisbestpony]

Assuming you had a nerve injury, the truth is: it can be healed, but it's not that simple and is gonna take some time. Usually either the myelin sheath is intact, and the nerve regrows by itself, or it is not, and you need surgery to plug the fragments together. Look for "Seddon's classification" on the internet, and DEMAND your doctor and surgeon for explanations about YOUR specific case! They owe it to you!

Hello Anon.So allow me to explain. I’ve actually had surgery already. I had surgery on my L4-L5 and had a microdiscectomy (? Fuck if I spelled that right). And laminectomy (and again with spelling)

I will list it out as follows in chronological order as best as I can and as far as I understand what they tried to tell me. This is going to get very long, VERY graphic and Very personal and this is when anyone should stop reading if you don’t like hearing about bodily functions.

Late October 2015—– help friend paint house. Inside and nothing too taxing not even a lot of bending or twisting. Have to stop part way through because I start to feel pain in lower back. Figure its sciataca. Go home and rest never get better.

November 18th 2015—- evening—– I go into ER because I still have pain and my feet feel slightly tingly and that concerned me. Spend two hours in ER so I can spend ten minutes with a Doctor who tells me it’s just sciatica and it will go away with rest. This was after I inform him of the tingly and the fact that it’s been going on for more than 2 weeks. Doesn’t matter it’s sciatica and I’m ushered out with directions to take it easy. I still remember this doctors last name. I have committed it to memory because if I ever find out that everything I went through could have been avoided by him actually paying attention to my words and not my appearance then I will sue him into the ground.

February 11th 2016.——- after spending 3 months in ever growing pain I go schedule an appt with a doctor (GP) who listens to me. To my list of symptoms I have added problems holding my bladder, (ive pretty much begun wearing adult diapers almost constantly by this point) not being able to poop, (ready and willing but couldn’t actually push anything beyond my asshole). This doctor knew my financial situation and prescribed me the cheapest thing for nerve pain he could (just in case) (gabepentin= which fuck me Christ is not cheap) and sent me for an x-ray. (covered under my insurance. Nothing else was) I go take the x-ray, then fill my perscriptions and go home to wait for results. I take ONE pill to help me hopefully sleep.

February 12th 2016 —— PART ONE—— When I do wake I wake up to having lost all sensation in my lower body. I manage to stand, and because i cant feel anything i look at the ground to watch my steps (Yes I could still walk I just couldnt feel it. Its disconcerting and frightening feeling I don’t wish on anyone) I take one step and get to watch in horror as my entire bladder voids itself and I feel nothing. So I stand in pain, crying because I’m 26 years old and I just uncontrollably wet myself. When I finally stop crying I call the doctor to ask if its a reaction to the meds. He says not likely go to the ER. I call the bf at work tell him I will talk to his brother/current roommate about dropping me at the ER when the brother gets off work. (Earlier than the bf who can’t afford to miss work.)

——PART TWO and February 13 th—— I don’t usually eat breakfast. When I called the doctor and was told go to the ER then I knew no food. I refuse to eat anything if I know I’m going to a hospital. I want them to be able to take any blood they need to when they need to. Its a habit and as far as I’m concerned a good one. So I go to the exact same ER as I did in Nov. I tell them my problems. I’m triaged, wait for an hour or so and I’m ushered into a room in the ER and I spend the night on my side in the fetal position filling out paperwork for emergency financial aid just in case. I get told I need an MRI and that I will be transferred to another hospital for it because while they have a machine they don’t have a doctor on call who can tell me exactly what’s wrong. So I get in an ambulance because they REFUSE to let me leave any other way. I go to the second hospital and by now it’s Saturday and around 3 or 4 am.

I don’t remember exactly when but I do know that some time around midnight my boyfriend had quietly said “Happy Birthday Honey” Did I mention that February 13th is my birthday. It is. So it’s my 27th birthday and I’m in the ER of Kaiser Downey medical center at 5 am in the morning after getting an MRI and I’m being told that I’m going to go in for emergency surgery because the whole, no-feeling, uncontrollable-peeing, can’t-quite-shit, crank-it-to-11-boys-pain that I have* is being caused by something called Cauda Equine and oopsies that’s not as fun as it sounds and it needs to be fixed.

I spent the next 4 days in the hospital recovering. I met with a physical therapist and had a session in the hospital that consisted of me walking with a walker and then going up and down a mini set of stairs. The therapist said I shouldn’t really need long ERM or even short term sessions I was pretty good and from what he could see I did okay on stairs if a little unsteady. I got to go home on the 17th. A day later my cat gave birth on the bed next to me as if to say your home now so I can do this.

——-NOW AND SINCE THE SURGERY——-

I still have to wear a diaper. 6 weeks with a walker turned into just under a year but I still use a cane and still need the walker for bad days. I go up and down the equivalent of a flight of stairs a day and more walking as well. I don’t use a cane in the house I just hobble along. I still have numbness in the saddle area and the outside of my feet. I used the paid. Meds from surgery and the staple removal. It was 300 pills I weaned myself and made them last until the new year because I didn’t like the idea of potential addiction.

I’m in pain in my lower back every day and what feeling I do have in my feet makes them feel like too much sausage in too little casing the more active I am the more pain, the more selling and the energy I have no longer fades gradually but rushes away from me exponentially. And if i shift wrong, move wrong or sometimes sneeze wrong my entire calf charley horses and soezes. I know it could be worse and I’m thankful it isn’t. But I can’t work in the only field I have experience in (food srvice and hospitality) even though the government delusionally thinks I can. I also pee when I sneeze.

In all honesty if it wasn’t for my cats and more so for the love of a man whom I cannot ever begin to thank for all he has done I probably wouldn’t have cared to keep living. I wouldn’t have committed suicide but I wouldn’t have cared about living either. I can’t physically jump, I’m afraid to drive, I can barely clean myself my cats and my home. I can’t work I don’t contribute and it kills me.

And at the heart of it and the very root of it all I can think is how long was it being pushed on. How much damage was done. Could the November doctor have done something to prevent needing surgery at all

I was also really sad to have to see Deadpool a month late

[compunctionjunction]

70 horrible questions

I was tagged by the lovely @1of1prism thank u my guy <3

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Maybe better than some people but probably also worse than a lot of people lol. Sometimes I go to people’s houses and I’m like ???what is this “communication”. Also depends on the day and parent. i have an entire tag devoted to my dad lol

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to? I dunno probs my mom or one of my friends 

03: Do you regret anything? Lots

04: Are you insecure? "My insecurities have insecurities” tho tbh i’m gettin pretty good. 

05: What is your relationship status? Single and not ready to mingle

06: How do you want to die? in control and ready 2 go

07: What did you last eat? cream of chicken soup... chocolate frozen yogurt... caramel pudding....... I just had my wisdom teeth out.......give me real food......

08: Played any sports? Never, in my life. The audacity.

09: Do you bite your nails? Ahuh! Sometimes!

10: When was your last physical fight? ive never been in a 2-way fight but the most recent 1-sided one was probs in gr 6 when one of my friends (aha) dragged me across the classroom by my hair lol

11: Do you like someone? No :\

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? try 72 hon

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment? lol trump (im not changing ur answer sophie cause its accurate lol) also anyone who aligns w him and rn all the conservative MPs for being dicks and a lot more I’m full of hatred rn 

14: Do you miss someone? i miss being able to eat real 

15: Have any pets? my sister has 2 ferrets :\ but she moved out so no

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment? my face hurts

17: Ever made out in the bathroom? made out a cheque to my haters (just kidding i have no money and no haters i just was trying to be funny. im sorry. i need humour right now.)

18: Are you scared of spiders? i mean i think it depends on how dark it is and how big the spider is tbh 

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? i dunno i’ll need an informed consent form

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone? :\ 

21: What are your plans for this weekend? first i gotta recover and then i gotta finish like 5 papers and hang with people and have a sleepover and hang with more ppl and watch a bunch of tv

22: Do you want to have kids? How many? I want to give birth to 0 kids tho I am still undecided on adoption etc. I’d probs be a rly good godmother tho like im just sayin. @1of1prism @purewhiteflames​ ;)) 

23: Do you have piercings? How many? no piercings as of yet tho i wanna get my ears pierced i think. but my dad disapproves of anything like that so i’d probs have to wait to either move out or be financially independent lol

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)? rn? english, women and gender studies, most things involving research-based papers where i have free reign over the topic 

25: Do you miss anyone from your past? lotsa ppl tbh

26: What are you craving right now? food........that i can eat........ chickenmelts........hamburgers......pizza........pasta......... :’(

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? prob lol but do i care

28: Have you ever been cheated on? we’ve all been cheated on.......by the system.....

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? that would require having one

30: What’s irritating you right now? my goddamn jaw and people eating food I can’t eat in front of me. my parents had mcdonalds yesterday. you know what i had. a milkshake. my sister brought home bacon wrapped scallops. I haven’t had scallops in like 2 years cause they’ve doubled in price and the one time we have scallops let alone frickin bacon wrapped scallops (like what the hell what kinda fancyass lunch) I cant FRICKIN eat it. Oh but I can smell it. I can hear u crunching on these foods. “Mmmmm!” ya shut up.

31: Does somebody love you? Do you know how popular I am? I am soooo popular. Everybody loves me so much at this school.

32: What is your favourite color? black and hot pink together

33: Do you have trust issues? ...........why are u asking..........what will u do with that info.......

34: Who/what was your last dream about? NO FREAKING JOKE!!!!!! i HAD A FRICKIN DREAM WHERE DANNY DEVITO CAME TO MY HOUSE WITH THIS LADY AND THEY TRIED TO BUY MY HOUSE AND MY MOM WAS LIKE “no..” AND THEY WERE SO MAD AND DANNY DEVITO TRIED TO STEAL THE HOUSE KEYS BUT I CAUGHT HIM JUST IN TIME like what kinda fake tumblr text post but it’s real i really dreamed that. I honestly can’t believe it. I would doubt it myself except I told someone abt it right away when I woke up. so now i will never forget.

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of? my mom and this nurse because I woke up in a cot after being high on laughing gas and some other drug and steroids so not only did I wake up and I didn’t know where I was and no one was there and there was like an hour gap in my consciousness but I was coming off a high LOL

36: Do you give out second chances too easily? definitely not lol I give 2nd chances on rare occasions but as a general rule if u break my trust I won’t trust u in the same way again lol “trust is like a mirror. u can fix it if it’s broke. but u can still see the crack in that mother fucker’s reflection”

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget? hmmmmmmmmmmmmm forgive i guess

38: Is this year the best year of your life? well not politically or in a global sense but in terms of like self-growth and stuff I’m doing pretty well so far I’m doin pretty good. workin hard... having fun.. loving myself.. 

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss? i have never in my life sullied my lips with someone else’s bacteria-laden lips

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? n.........o

51: Favourite food? chicken pasta alfredo, chicken pie, chicken vol au vents, chickenmelts, eggs benedict, um, double chocolate fudge tart from dufflet... hmm, Sophie’s dad’s lasagna and also pasta al fuerno or whatever that’s called like yum, uh.. it’s really easy to list these off when i CAN’T HAVE ANY OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Also poutine, and I also rly like Subway (ham and cheese on italian herbs and cheese bread with lettuce, onion, pickles, and mayonaisse, toasted...) 

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? kind of but I tried to explain it to someone once and they were like ??????what ur saying makes no sense and contradicts itself and i was like ya probably lol

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? watched a bad tv show my parents were watching and drank a giant mcdonalds milkshake and iced my face

54: Is cheating ever okay? honestly who am i to judge ur relationship and forgiveness and stuff but like imo if someone cheats on u they don’t respect u as an equal in that relationship or probably as a human

55: Are you mean? i can be a bit of a dick tbh but most of the time when i say something mean in my head im like “why is my mouth saying//why are my fingers typing these horrible ass things??”

56: How many people have you fist fought? well ive never used my fists on anyone but 2 people have punched me in the stomach does that count lol

57: Do you believe in true love? at the same time, i wanna hug you, i wanna wrap my hands around your neck, you’re an asshole, but i love you... so much i think it must be true love, true love. it must be tru-e love, no one else could break my heart like yo-o-o-o-o-o. yo-o-o-o-oh, oh-o-o-oh (No)

58: Favourite weather? either when its foggy and tranquil or when its like 23-25 degrees and sunny but also there’s some clouds so it’s not like direct hot sun on u but it’s still warm enough to wear shorts

59: Do you like the snow? i like when it’s snowing and quiet and peaceful and i like lying down in the snow and having that feeling of hearing everything kind of muted? but ya i hate slush and ice and stuff 

60: Do you wanna get married? not really but i might for tax benefits LOL

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? No, get that shit away from me

62: What makes you happy? lots of things especially seeing other people happy and genuine

63: Would you change your name? Maybe tbh it’s something i’m thinking abt right now cause I’m not a super fan of my name but maybe not officially and I also don’t wanna start shit with my fam I think my mom would be upset lol 

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? ya cause they don’t exist lol

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? well thats nice cause I like him too but what’s with this “opposite sex” bs like i know what u mean but like 

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? like seriously it’s not a real thing sex and gender are both constructs it’s a spectrum, a range. my buddy. pal. listen. (also ya i like to think anyone in our friend group but like probs john cause I can be scathing with those guys but as if i’d ever be vulnerable around them LOL)

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? like ur gonna keep going with this. ur gonna keep doing this. thats fine. but i can give u some reading. like i have all these pdfs if ur interested. no joke. and if pdfs are unaccessible to u i also have a bunch of youtube links. like hon. (my dad)

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? wow i dont even know if i can tag u back @1of1prism cause if im being honest i think it was @purewhiteflames oops, yikes!!!

69: Do you believe in soulmates? no but i do think there are people that u are much more compatible with than other people

70: Is there anyone you would die for? i dunno we’ll see if/when it happens lol

I’m not gonna put anyone else through this so you can say I tagged u if u wanna do it but like lol