#ive made myself even sadder

[h0nkch0c0late]

RAINSTORM

Vincent Nigel-Murray x Reader

WARNING: season 6 spoilers!!! Angst, character death, mentions of blood

SUMMARY: You always loved rainstorms. Now? You felt like one. And this time, you weren't so sure you liked it.

It all happened so fast.

One moment, he was taking the phone from Booth, waiting for the 5th ring.

The next, he was being tackled to the ground by Booth in a panic.

"We're fine." Booth had said as he slowly began to lift himself up.

But as I walked closer to them, I could see the blood begin to spill from beneath Vincent's body.

I froze. My heart began to beat 10× faster than usual, my breathing heavy.

Dr. Brennan raced over, and the two of them began to panic. They were telling him to keep his eyes open, talking to him and trying to help him stay alive.

Before I knew it, my feet unconsciously began to drag me towards them, tears beginning to fight their way past my eyes as I crouched down, lifting his head into my lap.

I held his face in my hands, my thumbs rubbing gentle circles as I tried my best to fight the tears back, to prove to him that he'd be okay.

He looked back and forth between Booth, Brennan, and I as he continued to stutter out his words of desperation.

"I..pl-please dont-just don't make me go." He begged, his eyes meeting mine.

"No one's making you go anywhere, Vince. You can stay here as long as you like because you're going to be fine, okay?" I choked out, one hand letting go of his face and going through his hair.

I could feel Brennan and Booth's eyes staring at me, whether it was shock, sadness, or both I couldn't tell. But I knew this was the first time they had ever seen me so desperate... the first time they had ever seen my cry.

It's funny, really, I hadn't noticed I had let a few tears slip. I was so focused on keeping Vincent alive that I didn't care what I looked like.

"I-I don't want to go, I love-it's been lovely." Vincent stuttered, his breathe slipping away.

I could feel his head getting heavier on my lap, his skin feeling colder against my fingertips as Booth was saying something I couldn't quite make out.

My ears were ringing as I kept staring into Vincent's eyes.

But he wasn't staring at me anymore, He was staring through me. I wasn't met with the same comforting eyes he always gave me. Instead, they were cold. Dead.

Suddenly, someone started to scream bloody murder. I couldn't tell who.

Was it brennan? Me?

My eyes finally moved up towards brennan and Booth, and my question was answered.

I was the one screaming. And i couldn't stop. I couldn't stop the dam in my eyes from breaking, and the screaming couldn't be silenced.

Suddenly I felt myself getting wrenched up from the ground, but I didn't want to leave him. Ever.

I tried to fight against whoever was holding me in place, but it was no use.

They were trying to tell me to calm down, but I couldn't. Vincent was dead, and I was alone again.

How could I ever be calm about that?

----------------------------------------------------------

Before I knew it, we were all sitting at the little conference room thingy where Booth and Sweets would usually meet with families and suspects in.

I had been zoned out, the image of Vincent bleeding out repeating over and over in my head.

It felt like there was a rainstorm in my body, sadness pelting through me heavily, soaking my entire existence.

Usually, I loved rainstorms. They gave me a sense of comfort. The soft patter of raindrops against the windows...covered in a blanket, snuggled up against Vince on the couch.

But now...this rainstormy feeling isn't so nice. And I hate it.

I was knocked out of my thoughts when I heard the door swing open. It was Booth,

"So...Brodsky got away." He began, "He was on a construction crane when he took the shot. We recovered the bullet casing." He showed the empty bullet casing to everyone as he leaned against an empty chair.

I only took a glance at it. Part of me didn't WANT to see the thing that killed my boyfriend.

He then threw it down onto the table, "it was an amazing shot."

"How did Broadsky see into the lab?" Brennan questioned.

"Thermal imaging." Booth looked down at the table, "he aimed for the guy who picked up the phone."

"He meant to kill you." Cam nodded.

"I'm the one who gave vincent the phone. I told him to pick it up." Booth stated, eyes moving towards Cam.

"You didn't know. I mean, there's no use..." Sweets tried to therapize.

I rolled my eyes, my hands clutching to the armrests of the chair I was sitting in. I could feel the anger starting to boil, turning my rainstorm of emotions into a giant thunderstorm. I knew that Booth wasn't to blame, but my views were skewed. I should be blaming Broadsky because he's the one who murdered Vincent, but... I felt as though if I looked at Booth even once, I'd try to kill him.

"I don't blame myself for this, Sweets."

God... even hearing him speak makes me wanna claw him to death.

"-I blame the guy who pulled the trigger."

Sweets nodded, "Okay."

"You still have blood on your hands." Brennan mentioned.

Booth looked away.

"Booth, she, she means literally."

As I looked to his hands, Brennan was right. Booth still had some of Vincent's blood on his hands. Somehow, that was my breaking point.

I jumped up from my chair, clenching my jaw as I quickly walked, stopping beside Booth. "No, actually, it is your fault. You could have given the phone to ANYONE else. But you chose Vincent. It is your fault. And I hate you deeply for it."

Without letting anyone get another word in, I stomped out of the room. I was fully aware that the pants I was wearing were covered in a crimson red. After all, I had been kneeling in his blood.

I didn't stop until I was in my room at the jeffersonian, the two stuffed animals Vincent had gotten me after his trip around the world sat against each other on my desk, and my anger began to slowly melt away.

I smiled as I walked over to them, picking them up. The memory of how I got them began to flood through my mind.

Vincent had just come back from his trip around the world, his first stop back home was to my house. He had walked in with a giant smile, hiding something behind his back.

As I let him in, he kept whatever was behind his back a secret as best he could until we sat down on the couch.

"What have you got behind your back?" I asked curiously, eyebrows raised.

"Guess." He smirked.

"Is it a really expensive necklace that you know I'll feel bad about because I hate when you buy me things that are more than $20?"

he chuckled, shaking his head. "No, it's better."

My eyebrows laced together as I tried my best to think of something, but I ended up blank.

"Sorry, I've run out of things to guess." I shrug.

He laughs, rolling his eyes, "Alright, fine I'll show you."

My eyes light up, excited that I wouldn't have to wait any longer.

He pulls his arms from behind his back, and my eyes widen at the sight.

in his hands were two stuffed animals. Cows. The one in his right hand was the exact one I had when I was a kid. Well, it was a replica, at least. I grabbed both and hugged them tightly. A giant grin plastered my lips.

"Wha-how? How did you?"

He shrugged, "I remembered you telling me about the cow you had when you were a kid. Saw it at the store and just had to buy it. I felt bad just buying it by itself, so I bought the second one so it could have a friend. Did you know cows could have best friends? They have very complex emotions just like us."

I laughed lightly, wrapping my arms around him in a tight hug whilst holding the two stuffies.

"Thank you, Vince. You are the best!"

"Well, I mean, I wouldn't say the BEST..." He says modestly, hugging me back.

A knock was heard at my doorframe, and part of me expected it to be Vincent as I turned around, holding the one with the black spots tightly in my arms.

Unfortunately for me, it was Sweets.

I frown, "What do you want?"

"I just wanted to ask if you were alright." He says, hands up in defense at my aggressive tone.

I sigh, "yeah-well, no-its just...its all too much. I didn't mean to burst out at Booth like that...I just... the anger got to me, and I couldn't control it."

Sweets leaned against the doorway, arms crossed, "do you actually blame him for Vincent's death?"

"What? No. No, of course not. It's fully Broadsky's fault. He was the one who pulled the trigger on Vince, not Booth." I look down to the cow plushy in my arms and let out a deep breath I hadn't even realized I was holding in. "I just miss him, Sweets. I keep thinking that if I just blink, he'll be standing right in front of me. And he's not. And it's like there's this rainstorm inside of me that just won't go away and I hate that feeling so much and I want to cry so badly but if I do, that'll make it real. I don't want it to be real, Lance." I say, almost desperately, clinging to the stuffed animal in my arms.

He frowns, walking his way over to me. He didn't say a word, pulling me into a tight hug.

I felt my entire body collapse into him, the walls I built beginning to crumble. I was so much more fragile than I had thought.

"It's okay to cry, you know. In fact, in this circumstance, it's needed." He suggested.

Would he ever stop being a shrink to his friends? Probably not. But it worked. And that dam broke.

Once the tears started, I knew they couldn't stop.

I had gone home that night, and cried even more. I cried until my tear ducts were dry, drank some water, then cried some more until I fell asleep.

----------------------------------------------------------

It was over. Broadsky was defeated, and we wouldn't have to worry about him anymore.

But now, the group of us stood near the steps of the building, waiting for Brennan as the van to pick up Vincent's body arrived.

Booth and I had talked a little bit before. It mainly considted of me apologizing profusely for blaming him and him trying to calm me down and saying that it was okay. In the end, it was fine.

"Maybe she's not coming." Cam spoke up.

"No. She'll-She'll be here." Angela nodded.

"Dr. Brennan has been known to retreat into hyper-rationalism in times of emotional turmoil, which could very well result in..." Sweets began to explain, but I cut him off by elbowing him in the side.

"Okay, even I want to slap you now." Hodgins responded.

"Alright, guys. Bones said she would come. She will definitely be here." Booth stated.

---------------------------------------------------

And, Booth was right. Shortly after we had told the people who were carrying Vincent's casket that we would take care of it, Brennan had appeared with a vase full of flowers.

"Do-do you wanna say something?" Angela asks Booth.

Booth looks a little taken aback, "what? Me? I-I barely knew him."

"That's true." A voice rings out from across the street. Brennan makes her way over to us, her arms around a potted plant. "Booth only called Mr. Nigel-Murray 'The English Squintern'."

I let out a small chuckle at that.

"Well, some of us were worried that you wouldn't make it." Sweets mentioned.

Brennan lifted the vase of flowers up, "I stopped to get this."

"Right, because nothing says "rest in peace" like a potted plant." Cam chuckles.

Brennan sets the vase down onto the casket, "did I...do something wrong?" She asks, confused.

I started to feel the tears well up in my eyes again as I shook my head no.

"No, honey." Angela reassured, "You did something exactly right."

As Brennan took her spot with the group, I took that as my chance to put my own "rest in peace" thing onto his casket.

I looked down at the stuffed cow in my hands, the one with the black patches. It was the "best friend" that vincent had gotten the first one. A small smile appeared on my lips as I walked over to the casket, setting it down against the vase full of flowers that Brennan had put down.

"Did you know that cows grieve when their friends or family die? You were right, Vince. They have complex emotions, just like us." I tell him in a broken whisper.

I could feel everyone's eyes on me as I began to back away, fighting back the tears that threatened to surface once more.

We all stood in silence for a few seconds before Hodgins broke it,

"You know, Vincent gave me a great piece of advice. He said, "The busiest shopping hour of the entire year is between 3:00 and 4:00 on Christmas Eve." So..I never shop during that time."

"Oh." Sweets began, "He told me that Quebec City in Canada has the same amount of street crime as Disney World...so, safe place to visit."

Cam cleared her throat, wiping a tear from her eye, "Vincent informed me that the crack of a whip was actually the tip breaking the sound barrier."

"He told me that the top of the Eiffel Tower is actually six inches shorter in the winter time. So it's better to climb it then." Angela chuckled.

I smiled, "he once told me that even cows have best friends." Is shrugged, "not really useful, just good to know, I guess." I laughed lightly, sniffing as I felt a few teardrops fall from my eyes.

"Vincent's favorite song was "Da Lime and Da Coconut." Brennan chimed in.

Sweets' eyes widened, "Seriously? 'Cause that's like- that's my jam."

Angela and I chuckled together, and I glanced over at Sweets, shaking my head lightly at him.

We then continued our silence until Sweets started to sing Da Lime and Da Coconut, and then suddenly everyone was singing it.

As we sang, we lifted Vince's casket into the truck, booth closing the door and stood there, watching it drive off as we continued to sing.

The others headed inside, still singing as I stood there, staring off at the van that drove further away from my view.

Even Brennan and Booth, who had stopped only for a moment, had gone inside, leaving me to deal with my raging sadness alone.

As I heard the door close, I fell to my knees, letting the tears flow out again as I sobbed into my hands.

I would rather deal with this rainstorm alone than drag the others' sadness on longer than they should.

And it's okay because I've always felt better doing it alone, because that's how I function.

But man, do I wish Vince was with me.

----------------------------------------------------------

😃😃😃😃I am not okay 😃😃😃 also i know its a little longer than my usual ones but <333

[schizononagesimus]

being in a family of other addicts is weird, i never really thought of it like that but us all being in town together for my graduation has just been like (ENABLES U) (ENABLES U) (ENABLES U)

[zurrr]

@nopecontest says no one uses this place to blog anymore, only reblog, so ill post some thoughts here and call it "blogging".

the internet is getting stupider and as i approach my 30s i find myself thinking more frequently about mid 2000s internet and all the dumb things i was interested in. ytmnd. different internet forums dedicated to sonic, ed edd n eddy, and the powerpuff girls. the friends i lost contact with from those forums. avgn when he was in his 20s and just starting out. wanting to make ytps thinking that was my calling at the time. newgrounds. albinoblacksheep. getting banned from deviantart multiple times because i was under 13. none of this is present anymore and will never be present again and thats bleak to think about on a regular basis. kids on the internet today will never experience online memories like this.

im more accepting of working my same retail job forever than i ever was, as the benefits are all i think about and how things could be worse. it used to be a big anxiety of mine, trying to think about how i could break away from retail and never go back to it, but honestly there is nothing else especially when i have no skills or education (if that even matters anymore) but like at the same time i dont care as much anymore. i make enough to get by. i could buy a thing i dont need and still be able to buy things i do need. im in a good position and have things others dont and theres no reason to fret over it anymore.

ive been figuring out my identity lately. i slowly came to the realization that i do not like wearing feminine clothes or presenting solely as female. ive struggled with body dysmorphia since, i wanna say before age 8 idk anymore, and ive always associated this was having an eating disorder, which im not gonna deny that i have. i often calorie restrict, and sometimes i dont realize that im doing this because im occupying myself so much that im not thinking about taking care of myself. this will be an ever-present thing about myself, but im learning that i can combat this by changing my wardrobe. i feel more confident when im not settling for wearing a dress or putting on make up cuz i feel like i "have to", and instead choosing clothes that are actually comfortable and not form fitting. ive been trying to explore this more, still a ways to go maybe, but mentally it's been comforting to consider and ill say here i go by she/they pronouns. it used to be she/her with no hesitation but thats not me anymore.

ive been watching one piece since last year and it's been interesting. this is one of those series that i never thought about watching, mostly because i didnt really grow up watching anime religiously and this is one i knew existed but i didnt think it was something i needed to touch when i just watched western shows. one piece is good. another thing that is good is dragon ball z, another series i didnt think id ever touch. i think both changed me for the better cuz it broadened my horizons and it feels like i made new friends. not in fandoms, i mean characters. im friends with characters. puar dragon ball is my friend.

to those who have been following me forever but only on tumblr specifically, im still drawing the same ocs. theyve gotten more complex, meaning they are much sadder and burdened with insecurities that i know too well. NEVERMIND is the only thing im gonna do forever cuz it's gonna take me a long time to get anywhere with it and i dont have enough time in a day to do it all, but thats ok to have only one creative focus. NVM is therapy and i dont need another project. you can read my webcomic here but it's on hiatus until next year. it is also apart of spiderforest which is a webcomic collective, maybe check out other comics on SF too while youre at it and support webcomic creators.

im gonna be grieving about panda (the cat i used to post about here) forever and thats ok too. she passed away 2 years ago in november and i think about her every day. i dont get as emotional about it anymore though. i maybe could if i focused hard enough on it, but i dont have to do that because i have a another cat now who is named bean. she's 4 and is so fuckin silly (and smelly) and i love her a lot. more rambunctious than im used to, but the memories i and @nopecontest have begun building with her have been well worth it. here she is playing mario sunshine

[bootyshitter]

kenma's apology for saying slurs on stream

Hello

Sorry for the late reply.

Greetings my little kittens

Hello I’m Kenma your twinkiest discord mod

But as of recent let’s just say the king kitten got declawed

Just because a word that little old me said

I’m so sorry ima shoot myself straight in the head

With a self reflection gun

I did what could not be undone

Cus let’s just talk one-on-one ladies but it may not be fun, cus hun ive dun one worse than the huns in the year three seventy one

Kittens I never meant to offend

And now I shall make an amend

I’m someone that you need not to defend

Unless you insist, which I would commend

Call me an apologist

Cus boy I be heading to the gynecologist

Just because I am a feminist

Sorry I didn’t make a good impressionest

Because ladies, all coochie matters

Even the ones that splatters

Trust me I wish good health on all your bladders

Cus this bussy is not all for one

It’s one per ball.

Forgive me little kittens I am not trying to stall

Oh man where are my manners

Let me tell you a story sadder than cancers

when I was young my papa would force me to say slurs about women

And when I didn’t hit me a candle scented persimmon

And Id always said NO I CANT

And took a box of galvanized steel from my aunt

But I was not able to beat the indoctrination from my papa in fact

By the way,

did I mention I have thunder thighs and a slutty waist

Kittens if you cancel me wouldn’t that be a waste

Hold on…

Actually I changed my mind

Now I’m letting my true light shine

Because through all these riddles and rhymes I’m spouting

I have been blind

Nword, fword, bword, dword

Like what is this lgbtq you see blerd ?

Now Hearing slurs done made my boochie purred

Like my boy over there wigglton Richard Fagglton the third

I’ll say the word again with the same gusto

Just to annoy them females that I hate so much, yo

BAKA

BAKA

BAKA

Unsinserely signed,

Thunder thigh baka kitten kenma.

[whumpitisthen]

here's a quick rundown on astarion: gay vampire spawn (not a vampire. like a demo version vampire. a "lesser" one but don't let him hear that) who has been kept for 200 years by his master as a slave. guy (who was an actual vampire) carved him up, tortured him and forced him to lure victims into his manor. astarion has been abused in so many ways i'd hit some sort of character limit if i listed half of them. he was only allowed to feet on rats and small vermin in the sewers. poor little meow meow astarion is now free due to [game story] reasons and seeks power and revenge -- he's an edgy fuck with a lot of swag and no moral compass. bro is a menace and loves causing problems on purpose. [slight spoiler] he will literally try to suck some of your blood like a day or two after you meet him and unless you succeed a skill check he'll just keep doing it until you die. if you resurrect yourself afterwards he'll go like "ooooh ooopsie sowwy! i wouldn't kill you if i knew you'll be back teehee can we forget about this? ;) <3 don't fucking kill me". he's such a good fucking whumpee you don't even know. it's insane. i don't want to ramble but he's almost everything i've ever wanted from a character like this in a large scale rpg. [slightly bigger spoiler] despite being the go-to "fuckable" character who everyone finds hot as hell (both in-universe and online) he's HORRIBLY traumatized by his sexual experiences from when he used to be a slave and when you romance him a good portion of his storyline revolves around trying to make him realize that he's more than just a slab of very attractive meat. he hides his feelings behind a facade of "evil tumblr sexyman-esque" mannierisms and getting to finally peel it back and see him for the poor wet cat that he is is so fucking satisfying. [an even bigger spoiler] i loved watching him cry when he finally gets to confront his former master. pristine content. there's so much more to his character (and this game in general) but if you ever need to justify spending full price on a new videogame release, there's nothing better than bg3. if i could choose one game to beam directly into the brain of each whumpblr user, it'd be this one.

Okay so i already loved him from the very little information i had about him, but this is so delicious

I saw some pics of bad scars which are always hhh and heard that he is a whumpee but i didn't know the extent and now i think ive collected a new blorbo

You are telling me he meets his old master at some point...... and he cries..... and hes all sad....... he rly was made for tumblr but especially me youre telling me he has white hair and is a vampire twink who was a slave and hurt and traumatised and he has incredible sad wet cat energy and he only has a flimsy layer of confidence and absolutely no idea what morals are. i knew i needed to know more you have to understand my knowledge of the game stopped at the bear sex scene like that is it and yet i somehow always find the most pathetic little men no matter what in any media i could not give a shit about any of the rest i will consume the entire thing just to know the exact extent of his sad little life

Also i wish i had the opportunity to even consider buying a full price new release no matter how good the game is there is no world in which id be able to pay for that. Also idk about the gameplay either it seems very story oriented roleplay and almost dating sim-ish? Not a huge fan of those in general its gotta have more gameplay than walking around and basically watching a movie, but, again. No idea about anything, maybe it has incredible gameplay and i just dont know. Dont tell me if it does itll just make ms sadder bc that would absolutely make me wanna play it myself. Its kinda funny honestly the longer i spend not knowing anything the crazier everyone seems to me both online and irl. Its like im living in a separate world, i know no one who hasn't played this fucking game fjfhskhfd

[thespoliarium]

rating every song in lara fabian's mademoiselle zhivago because i have nothing else to do

my favorite lara fabian album fr. i usually dont listen to albums released after i was born but if i had to save one album it would be mademoiselle zhivago.

onto the ratings!

really solid opener. i wanna walk in slow motion to this song while reclaiming my life. i based my twt handle from this title (vivinexistepas... here is your chance)

seggsy,,,,, lemme tango all by myself

i cried. well duh the title means cry. THIS WAS PART OF MY WIP OF COURSE I WILL CRY anyways this was the first song ive listened from this album bc i remembered the music video a long time ago and it broke my heart,,, lara i will protect you </3

i just love the fact that the title is english, but includes russian, and the lyrics are french. its kinda nice i love the violin part

RAAAHHHHHHH I GO CRAZY LISTENING TO THIS SONG this is 1/2 basis of my url also it sounds so powerful!!!!!

ngl i wasnt fond of this track at first but i slowly learned to love it. also i love the part where she was adlibbing nearing the end of the song.... also this gives me nostalgia despite not listening to it before

stop this made me cry number 2!!! also this is such an amazing lullaby and i love the fact that its for her daughter. but the music video for this is so devastating and thus learning about lara's ancestry makes me even sadder

i wasnt quite fond of it at first but i slowly love it. i love how it kinda feels hiphopish but not losing its magic. also 1/2 basis of my url

this song gives me 2 moods as i listen to it. either i get horny or i writhe in agony. its mostly the second one bc i see this as a ballet sequence

russian song real!!! apparently this was a cover but she did it so well. not yet fond of it, but its growing on me

(part 2 shit wait!!)

[somehelplesssoul-ithink]

For No Reason(ok)

a part of me felt like writing about my feelings was a good idea but its not.. im just sad and theres no way of explaining that 

i miss him

i was so good with him

and he will NEVER want me back..

not like this at least lol

im addicted to drugs, alone, and no family. I would leave me too

theres not a day i dont think about him and it sucks. Ive only gotten so much worse since hes left and i can see it. Its weird i can see things from an outside view like yes im addicted to drugs now, way sadder, a lost soul but i cant stop myself. He made me better.. its been 8 months and hes with the girl i found him with what i would do to eventually start again. I would do everything right, everything.. 

even tho being with him for 4 years and seeing all my snap memories thought out the years, i still miss him. and the memories were.. well... my crying.. a lot. I knew from the beginning he would leave me. He was way to good for me. though all the cheating and watching him fuck a girl in my bed on my birthday i STILL forgave him. and i still love him. I will never stop. God help me get over this please i cant continue on the way i have been. 

[chogiwow]

dude so i saw ur reply last night but i was in desperate need of sleep but also didn't sleep bc i was just engrossed in a book IVDSNS BUT this morning i opened up my inbox and couldnt find ur reply and was so confused and as i continued to be unable to find it in my inbox i got sadder and then i realised im stupid bc the reply wouldn't be in my inbox 🧍‍♂️anyways semi-long reply sorry hehe (semi-long bc ive defs sent longer ones)

ahh i see i see @ substack. reminds me of medium, which i've come across before... i did debate exploring medium as another writing platform, but never got around to it vsjnvks so its nice that u bring substack to my attention bc now i can compare 🤩 well. maybe not now now but yknow. whenever i decide to/can get around to it NVJDKNSK

100% agree w and have had the same thoughts as you about fics/continuing to write/the pub industry (which i really should give much more thought to, given that one of my degrees is in writing🧍‍♂️) and yeah no it DOES serve as a good incentive to build a portfolio (if anyone asked me for a portfolio, i would simply hand over my uni work bc i have nothing else rn LMAO) but tbh i think even if it is a hobby, it's a good way to kinda explore and set your ??? idk like foundations or whatever so you get an idea of what you wanna write about and if you actually wanna take it seriously (which isn't to say you aren't - we can 100% take hobbies seriously - just that different contexts/intents would call for different. things. wow i love words.)

and also related but unrelated, i think its fun/nice to. uh. idk how to say it but for us (as in literally you and me, but also other mutuals and people in fandom who made friends in the context of fandom) to see eachother write or talk about things outside of the uniting factor or common denominator or whatever? though yeah that does kinda potentially extend the relationship beyond what some people are comfy w. i'm kinda just rambling rn sorry AHHA

OH BUT BUT sorry back to the publishing/career thing. Even if you don't use the substack writings for like. writing/publishing careers, it can still help with other career things? like, you run a blog and hav experience writing about diverse topics, communicating ideas etcetc. so no losses 🤩

do not feel guilty about the chan fic 🙂‍↔️ yes i love/d it and i think about it and yes i would love to read more BUT im so happy to have just been eble to experience it at all. i hope you've never felt pressured by my responses to it KNVDSKJNVDSK sincerest of apologies if you have.

tbh i havent been up to much, i don't think. shits kinda hit the fan tbh but i'm hoping (always hoping) the only other place for the shit to go is down, now. (ie. i hope this is the part where things start getting easier etc). it is what it is, even if it shouldn't be, and we'll somehow get through it because. well, we have so far, right? BUT ANYWAYS

"anything you wanna yap about-" BOY do i have things to yap about. that book^^ i was so engrossed in? jesus CHRIST i sent my friend 10mins worth of voicemsgs JNCDKSNDSK (it may have been 10mins because i simply i can't articulate properly and kept repeating myself and going off on tangents.. but it probably would have been 10mins anyways if i'd planned and scripted it all before hand anyways. it was only 10mins because i got tired and realised i should probably see how much ive spammed 💀) ("kat... 10 whole minutes? 😭" babes thats not even the worst of it-)

i also like to 'yap' about the stuff i learn in class (my other degree/major is in media and cultural studies) and i just 🤩 have so much to say about some things that i find so so interesting but me talking as much as i do/want to is also just. i find it interesting and really wanna share and talk about it KJNVDSKJVNSK so like yeah, to bring this full circle, is why i've vaguely thought about using medium/substack,,, tbh i thought about just making a sideblog here AHAHA but i cant take myself on tumblr seriously LOL + 'fresh' start on new platform sounds neat mhm mhm but also hehehe (evil) maybe instead of spamming my friend about stuff, i can just write blog posts and she can read it whenever hMMMM thinking thinking,,,

anyways 🧍‍♂️sorry, i was expectin this to be long but it ended up longer than i thought it would HAHA wait no im rereading my ask/reply rn and substack just sounds great bc i can do informal reviews about things i've watched/read aswell AHHHH and yeah like just ??? more personal though explorations/'journaling' kinda vibes as well? HMMM AND and even mini writing pieces--- i literally do not have the time to be considering this rn but here i am wHOOPS okay i'll stop now before this gets even longer 🧍‍♂️🧍‍♂️

hi katttt, i'm so sorry for the late reply :'D apparently i'm in the phase of my life where i can only type out articulated replies on my laptop and not my phone, also week's been sooo hectic i hate being a corporate slave fml <3

lmfao not you tryna find my reply in your inbox sdjskd all's good tho hehe :3ooh medium is ... something, i couldn't really figure it out all that well and also the few times i've tried to read on medium, it's asked me to subsribe or sign up to continue to read? and i just don't ... vibe with that lol

yes yes, tryna write about real life stuff really makes me pause once in a while and just think (?) it through bc writing fiction is gen easier than trying to string together the raw ideas relating irl issues/stuff (for me at least). like it really makes me stop midway and rethink my choice of phrasing stuff or even putting forward an opinion thinking about how its gonna make people percieve me? well, not that its not sumn that doesn't apply to fiction as well bc i kinda think that the way one writes always just brings about some sort of perception of their character and personal views through their words, no matter how subtle ... am i making sense? but fictional writing just lets you cloak it into a 'what-if' situation where any judgement of your story/character(s) is not a direct discernment of your personal opinions whereas talking about irl stuff always comes with that concious load of having your opinions/thoughts being obligated to a verdict (positive/negative/both).

so anywayyy sjhdj, yes it's fun to just write and pursue as a hobby bc its fun communiatingideas and realise that it might not be all that irrelevant as you thought haha :>

and noooo, i absolutely love love LOVE reading yout tags on my fics, like i legit go back to my old writings and read the rb tags and it always makes me so happy :( i do want to continue writing fiction bc its always been a comfort to me to be able to weave stories my way, but i suppose everything has its own time to unfold and settle ... sometimes inspiration hits so bad but the will to write it out is just not there :/ but anyway ! i'm glad that you've enjoyed my writing so far <3

yeah, things don't don't need to work out all the time. i'm realising this the hard way, through adulting. really makes me wanna go back and give my younger self a good whooping on the ass to have ever wanted to grow up fast so desperately. but yeah, hope your shit works out man (✿◡‿◡)

lmaoooo no bc ! its so fun to just simply yap about stuff , that's like writing but ... verbally ,,, you could litch rally make a yap blog and i'd read it alllllll :3 also what book is this, drop the nameeeee :'D no but like i get you not being able to take tumblr seriously bc i was like ! i can't talk about this shit on tumblr ! tumblr's supposed to be for my clownery ! all the grownup stuff needs a different platform altogether sjsdksjd but if you ever consider making a blog, i think i'll read it fo the vibes itself. and the words ofc and opinions and stuff. like that's important too gaaaahhhhh what i'm saying is ,, i think you'd make a really amusing and entertaining blog - in a good way !!

anyway ! i think i needed a medium to unscramble the crap in my brain so the blog served well (even though it was an impulsive decision lol) but yeah ! go for it, you won't regret it. nobody really gaf's in the beginning, like readership is low babes, unless you have friends who will actively read your shit but that's a big comfort to me lololol. not sicouraging you in anyway, but its a point to consider if you're looking for a chill sesh with your own writing haha <3

[dying-sage]

got too embarrassed to have this on public blog so couple days later going here.

might merge my diary yap blog and this becuz whatever but im DONE with my self hating bullshit idk if being inside is just letting me think and breathe and be my gorgeous introvert self for once but i feel so free and so floaty like nothing is real and could easily be crushed by me pinching my life and rubbing it between my fingers. like its all so okay when im inside and by myself but i wish i was capable of this thinking outside. when i go out i get so overwhelmed and there are so many variables to make me feel like shit but not even hate myself or whadeva but act in ways that i feel i dont stand by and dont believe. i get meaner or sadder or people pleasy or contrarian or anything to not be vulnerable and authenthic. i have in the past gotten strong on my own and made my life better by being who i am while surrounded by others. ive lost that now and its been a while since i felt comfortable in my REAL HUMAN skin. ive been consumed by self hate and a desire to make myself believe im worthy by relying on other people. i know all the therapist things to say to all of this but its hard to believe in low moments where you need to do so the most. i just dont want to spectate my life anymore. i want to experience things and take ACTION and bring things into my life myself. sometimes this makes me feel pathetic because i am surrounded by people who command attention and dont need to build on their own, they have volunteers who want to help them and want to be in their life whatever that may mean. ive been working on releasing the shame and jealousy ive felt for my ENTIRE LIFE for these people because its not their fault and it is nobodys fault. with life so fragile they could slip and end everything they have. maybe what they have is only desirable to you and not to them and they wish they could have just a moment of calm. the grass always greener on the other side always makes sense but its so hard to make yourself believe it about things you think are fundamentally wrong with you. the thing that helped me is unironically social media because it is impossible that so many people, in fact, most people my age believe something wrong is within them. this makes no sense, if everyone is unlovable and off-putting and unattractive and yearns for love but never recieves it, nobody is alone. even if the people around me dont have these problems because i went to a school surrounded by well-off or otherwise eccentric people who, again, commanded attention. if i had ended up in a regular one im sure my perspective would be different. so FUCK IT. fuck the bars where its just men trying to fuck my friends fuck the clubs with awful music fuck desperation for alcohol to have a good time fuck cigarettes to calm down and regain balance fuck the sweet vape snack so you dont feel hungry fuck comparing yourself to pretty girls fuck comparing yourself to pretty boys fuck comparing yourself to ANYBODY fuck spectating fuck going quiet because youre sure theyre only talking so they can get to your friends. its time to stay inside. go outside alone. do shit for yourself NOT TO ALEVIATE FOMO IR ANXIETY but to better your life despite those things. okay yap over gafdammn.

[lilorockz]

just a random vent post

i am so frustrated with myself and i feel so sad. honestly what trigged me today was seeing some teenage girls in my dance class and seeing them gossip about their life their crushes and dates and friends and it make me so sad bc ill never have that my teen years were horrible especially bc i had anxiety and being aroace made me feel even more out of place and knowing that ill never have those normal teen experiences make me so so so annoyed at myself for being this way.

ive been working on accepting myself and and loving who i am but i cant help something feel angry that i wont live a normal life and this will forever be something i have to deal with, i wont relate to people and their relationships and they will a lot will look at me with pity or mock me for it and i have to get over it

on top of all that i just feel sad bc i am so embarrassed about who i am and it makes me even sadder when i see people being themselves with ease. ive learned to hide every single aspect of who i am, the music i like, the shows i enjoy, my orientation, even my favorite pizza bc of fear of judgment and its so hard and ive been trying to open up but i cant its been something ive done for so long that i dont even know how to not do it. and then i wonder why i cant make friends or connections... i give them nothing bc ive learned that the only way to protect myself if not telling people anything and now here i am a jumbled mess of anger, sadness and frustration

i just have so much on my mind right now and everything started bubbling up together but every once in a while i feel like this and here it is again

cant help but be sad for the teen me that couldn’t have her normal and expected experiences and felt like the only safe way to be was to hide herself and also for the adult me that still struggles with these things…

also this text is probably a huge mess cause i wrote it in one go and did not read it

[kitnaksstuff]

i dreamt of ani the other night. it was weird, as dreams tend to be I suppose. i cant really remember what happened before that point but my dream-self walked into a restaurant (an odd mix of two of the 'bars' around uni) and i saw him at a table and i stopped. i dont think ive ever had a lucid dream before but this was the closest i got because i saw him and fear gripped my heart. i knew he was dead. or he was supposed to be dead. but my mind was so desperate to hold on to this, to seeing him for the first time in months, that i was convincing myself that this is just a memory of some kind. then he ate some chips that were at the table and i knew that it wasnt a memory - ani hated snacks for some reason.

it was strange because then i looked at him, sitting next to me, alive, and i thought "oh this is what it means when they say someone is doomed from the start". because even in this dream i saw him and i thought ah he will die soon but not yet. he hasnt yet. and it killed me when i woke up because i hated that i even briefly thought of him like that. but its been a day and i think i mightve been right. anish was sadder for longer than he knew me. theres probably nothing i couldve done to actually change that, and god knows i tried. but in this dream, the knowledge of his death just made me want to make him laugh again.

[dontpunchdogs]

thoughts for today ! under a read more bcos it got long. yelling into the void.

ive always been hard to deal with - too sensitive to sounds, lights, temperature, texture, easily hurt by words, easily overwhelmed by other people, easily feeling left out among friends, too annoying, too loud but too quiet, needing too much reassurance, needing to feel wanted, needing needing needing. ive known this a long time. ive heard it from my parents countless times, had friends say they only hung around me out of pity, had partners say i was the most supportive partner theyd ever had; yet i need too much, my feelings are too confusing or too hard to consider, "i knew youd be upset but i didnt want to tell you and make you more upset" again and again and again.

no matter how small i tried to be, how light of a burden i made myself, its really never enough. i dont get what i need, my patience is worn thinner and thinner, and "suddenly" i snap. "suddenly" i disappear. as though there werent signs. as though i hadnt been begging for someone to care. as though i havent put others feelings and comfort above my own for years, been intentional, been thoughtful, been honest (in fairness, honest about everything besides the extent to which id been hurt) and made it clear how i love and how i want my efforts to be reciprocated.

i'm tired of it. i always thought i shouldnt live if nobody cared about me enough to pick me first. thats all ive ever wanted, really. someone to walk in a room full of people they care for and choose me out of everyone. someone who id choose over anything, even my own comfort when reasonable, and to know they'd do the same. just one person, and then i can handle everyone else letting me down, just one person, please, just one, one person, please, for once, just once.

i always find myself so fucking disappointed. maybe my standards are too high - the fact no one can meet me there makes me sad, but the idea of lowering my standards made me sadder. i can take disappointment, a lot of it, and i don't expect perfection. sometimes you cant give even 50% of your energy. sometimes you need to pick someone else. sometimes you need to pick a friend over a partner, or yourself over anyone else. but i cant handle the degree to which people constantly ignore my needs, or disregard them to indulge their wants.

im trying to rewire my brain now! im going to live, whether someone picks me or not. im going to care for others as much as i can, as hard as i can, but im going to limit those who disturb my peace. im going to put myself first, often as i can, or at least as often as id put others. i know what i need, and id do it for someone else - why not do it for me? why continue trying for people who cant be assed? why continue trying when im just difficult and draining?

today i had an overstimulating day at work. i still went to the grocery store, as id planned, because i needed to. when i drove home, i felt like id have a meltdown. instead i made myself laugh by seeing just how many bags i could carry at once. something stupid and simple, but i felt like i was good company. i put everything away. i made my lunch for tomorrow. i tried a new tea that i picked out and actually finally found one i liked. i ran a hot bubble bath. i washed my hair, my back, my body as though i was someone i loved. and i felt loved.

it was really nice. im holding onto that joy.

ive realized just how much pain other people tend to put me through. why, then, should i hinge my right to my life on my relationship with others?

im going to live. fuck anything else. fuck everybody whos ever made me feel like a fucking burden. if its soooo hard dealing with me, imagine fucking being me. i deserve so much better.

[alonelymidwestdreamer]

fuckin peachy

———

i really thought i could do it

i dont know why

well, no

fuck that

i do know why

i thought i could get my shit together, finally, because people are supporting me

because im not keeping myself in a shitty relationship

because im forcing myself to sit with just myself and learn to be ok with that

because im trying to be a good person

because i was making fucking progress

i was taking steps

someone, maybe everyone, is gonna say that progress isnt linear

but have you ever been forced off road after just getting off a detour, just getting used to a nice straight highway

it doesnt still feel like progress

in fact, it feels like why not take another drink, why not feel good instead of crying over a cancellation

it feels like why not pick that pocket knife back up, why not take a hammer to your knuckles till theyre all purple

why not see if that one girl you ruined ur life for over and over finally has u unblocked

it doesnt feel like progress

it feels like derailment

im losing my fucking mind

ive been watching this show

its sadder than hell but i can’t stop watching it

it reminds me of that girl who i, yk, ruined my life over

she was a pisces

it reminds me of her because it reminds me of all the trauma she sat through with me

it reminds me of being homeless and of my parents fights and my fights with my parents and just

everything

it reminds me of things i buried pretty damn deep

this show triggers the fuck out of me

i cant sit with myself reliving this shit, but she sat through all that with me as it happened

she was the only constant in my life for so many years

but me wanting to get better was the breaking point

that was the line

we used to scream at each other

shed trigger me on purpose when i made her mad

how fucked up is that

but when i wanted to fix myself, when i wanted to create a life that could hold her and i both in it without all the fucking anger

that was that

she still has me blocked

i havent told almost anyone, although now youll all know, but i made a new account, just to try to talk to her

when someones in ur life for so long and so deeply it just feels wrong when they leave

or maybe thats just me

i hadnt talked to her in like two years?

i just wanted to know what her life looks like now

she did not believe that

and shes still mad at me

ig i never realized she ruined her life over me too

when i asked how she was she said “what are you drunk or something?”

i really thought i could do it, i thought i could be ok

i just wanna get drunk

all the time

i wish i was drunk when i messaged her

i wish she was right

i wished a little too hard ig cuz i did start drinking again

i keep pretending its not all i think about

its not that serious, cant be

if it was that serious someone would notice right?

being drunk doesnt even feel great anymore

but if im gonna fuck up by just existing, at least i get an excuse if im shitfaced

i tried so hard

i mean im still trying

but every day i get closer to doing it again and again and again

isnt that embarrassing?

i dont like it, i dont want to

i just also dont like me very much

and who would even care

no one noticed the first time until i told them, i think honestly everyone preferred me buzzed all the time until they knew thats what it was

no one knew i was overdosing in bledsoes room either tho

sitting behind keleah in college algebra trig

the room spinning so violently i thought i was dying

i guess i was dying technically

after, i sat in the rose garden with someone and tried to breathe

i walked my siblings home

i thought i was gonna die

no one even knew

i went home and threw up four or five times

i threw up so much i thought i was gonna suffocate cuz i couldnt catch a breath

my mom didnt even ask why i threw up

so at least its just drinking again

and its not as frequent anyways

fuck i really was doing so good

i swear i was

[helloanthy]

i listened to it to lull myself to sleep last night, because i heard the first 2 tracks while i was working, and was like oh this is a sleepy sounds which didnt go well with what i was doing so i put it off i didnt hear the lyrics going to sleep. i woke up this morning and decided to listen to it while i was being a beast of labour instead of when i was using my brain. i dont that was a good idea because i did listen to lyrics this time it reminded me i dont really listen to mitski because while i do like and enjoy her work um. it makes me. feel really really. really bad haha. its a testament to her lyricism and writing ability to be able to ... get such a visceral reaction i feel ... but i was not having a good time ahahaha. did i stop listening to it though ? ... well i looped it for nearly 3 hours i liked it ! i really enjoy the instrumentals. iirc her work, or at least her older work, sonically has that like ... grainy nostalgic quality to it ? that i feel is similar to the sad feeling of looking at an old photograph of when you were happier and being unable to recognize yourself. and i like how dreamy and at times overwhelming this album sounds. i feel like thats just generally mitskis style though, but the feeling is even more ... polished here ? idk if that makes sense ... it made me feel of a gaping hole where your happy memories should be, but being unable to find none. like the memories are so distant theyre more like ideas now ? but the instrumentals are really my favorite so far out of her discograpahy that iv listened to that said i spent a few hours of my morning, genuinely for the lack of a better phrase, in emotional turmoil and then 2 hours into looping this album i was like "OH wait this is so anthycore. thats probably why that anon asked me about it" 🫠 so i started listening to it thru my fandom goggles ... fandom ... headphones ??? honestly it was also an attempt to distance myself from the effect it was having on me ahahaha. did it work ? good question anyway songs that i think r rly anthycore - IM YOUR MAN ^_____________^ pain pain pain constant torment everlasting anguish sickening thirst and cyclical self sustaining suffering dukha samsara etc etc. what can i say about this song other than just repeating the lyrics ? also this song reminded me of lão hạc which made me sadder. a beast of burden not only of the body but of the mind as well, i was this morning - star [which also reminded me of this fan comic by @/spiribia i really really like of anthy & akio] - my love mine all mine im actually listening to these tracks right now to write out my thoughts but i feel like vomiting blood the more i try to think about it. fun fact my coworker kept asking if i was ok today ^____^ - i love me after you how i love me after you king of all the land [pleeeeease] - the deal girls who are cagessss girls who are dolls girls who are empty bird cages with no soul girls who are heartless dolls who can feel no pain but conversely can never feel happiness AGAIN no anthy today im going to take another sedative good night 💜

what do you think of the new mitski album

oh ... ! i was not aware there wasa new one, i don't really keep up with music releases hahaha but i do need something to listen to today while i work, so ill get back to you on that anon !

[lesbianchikorita]

[ID: a digital painting of Omniscient Reader characters against a dark purple night sky. Oldest Dream, wearing a school uniform with a bandage on his face, kneels at the bottom of the frame. He reaches upward with both hands and gazes in awe at a glowing star just within reach. A shadow of Kim Dokja stands behind him, blankly staring down as he holds Unbreakable Faith in front of him. He is void of color other than the glow of his sword and a deep red outline. His wings and horns are silhouetted behind him in bright red, mimicking the shape of Oldest Dream’s outstretched hands. /end ID]

「It has always been ‘once’ for me」

[cheriesjubiles]

i wish i could write good <3