#ive known about this for months and im still in pain ok

[in-memoriam-tgwk]

the foggy-frozen siblings....

THE FOGGY-FROZEN SIBLINGS 😭😭😭

[jeonfiles]

better left unsaid - jjk

genre: angst, rebounds

pairings: jungkook x reader (ft. namjoon)

warnings: arguing, alcohol, profanity, break ups, light smut, use of drugs, jungkook is a fucking dick, jungkook has major attachment issues, toxic relationships, oc cries a lot, namjoon has a heart of gold, unrequited love

synopsis: you knew you shouldnt have given him that second chance, not the third or the fourth either. no matter how much you try he always slithers his way underneath your sheets, arms wrapped around you.

word count: 2.7k

music: into your arms, so it ends?, you will fade, thinkin bout you, julia, my insecurities not yours, fuck u, goodluck, my dear i will think of you

note: uhh ive never written a y/n fic so bare with me, if u listen to the music you’ll be able to feel the story a lot more so yeah if u have time u should, not proof read

Light coming through the cracks of the blinds, making you squint your eyes when the daylight beams into your eyes, head resting on the kitchen island Looking up, you saw the clock ticking on the wall, 11:32 am.

You had stayed up till 5 am, waiting for him to come home, but seemingly, he never did. Reaching for your phone, you saw 4 missed calls from the one and only,

Jeon Jungkook, saved in your phone as “Koo <3″, Rows of messages too, all from the same contact.

Koo <3 [05:34 am]

baby pkck me up pleseee

im so wsated

Koo <3 [06.46am]

dont be mad at me jsut pick me up

i dont knw hewere the fuck i am

i love you

Koo <3 [07:31 am]

i got a rde home i’ll be home by 12

i need to talk to someone frsit

im sorry if i woke ypu dont be worried

You took a few moments to collect your thoughts, but there wasn’t much to collect. This whole thing, was a routine by now.

Standing up to make yourself a cup of coffee, you could literally not feel your own backside, you were so sore from the barstool you had been sitting on all night, and it made you groan in pain.

Two coffee cups right beside the kitchen sink, which you couldn’t bring yourself to clean up, because it was from the last time you had coffee together, which was 2 weeks ago.

The inside of the cup had a coffee crust at the top, and both your lip tint marks on the outside.

When you finish your cup of coffee while watching a bad telenovela, you go sit in your favorite chair and pull out a few books from the backpack hanging on the chair next to you, getting ready to get some studying done.

For a few seconds you imagine Jungkook hanging over your shoulder laughing at the way you write your A-s and R-s, or the way you always sign your homework at the bottom of the page.

And when you open them, there’s no one there. The only sound is from the refrigerator, making refrigerator noises.

You had met Jungkook 3 years ago, when you were at college orientation, senior year of high school. He also wanted to attend Yonsei, just like you.

And when he whispered to you about how bored he was, you couldn’t help but giggle, and then you got yelled at.

It was worth it though, because everyone was jealous of you afterwards,the  Jeon Jungkook had talked to you.

Jungkook was an all-rounder as they called it; great physique, intelligent, charismatic and great at sports.

And god, he had a beautiful face, and such a filthy mouth, and it didn’t go long before you gave in to his seductive ways and slept with him. The morning after, he wasn’t in bed with you, and your heart sank.

Luckily, he was in the kitchen making you breakfast.

It was all bliss from there, showering you with love, gifts and kisses for two years, and you even ended up moving in together.

And now? You barely remember what he sounds like, smells like and is like.

A distant memory, just as distant as him.

Your train of thought was suddenly interrupted as you heard 3 knocks on your door. The exact same way he had always knocked when he had forgotten (or lost) his keys.

And even though you should have let him suffer a little, you rushed to the door to open it, and in front of you, was your biggest nightmare.

It was your love, crying his eyes out, bleeding from one of many cuts on his face, looking nearly dead. He collapsed into your arms, and you could only utter a few words, along the lines of:

“How could you do this to us?”

As he was laying curled up in a ball on the couch, face plastered up, ice bag on his knee, wrapped up in a blanket, you realized. this was your que to cry.

So, you did. You cried in silence, sitting across the room from him. You weren’t mad at him for coming home late, or getting in another fight, probably the 5th just these past months, you had gotten used to that by now.

There was a whole other reason that made you cry.

He smelled like Victorias Secret Bombshell, you recognized the scent because it used to be your favorite,  however, now you’ve moved onto something less sweet, and more elegant, like Caroline Herrera.

He smelled like someone who wasn’t you, his girlfriend.

He smelled like another girl.

It didn’t hurt as much as you thought it would. Maybe because the Jungkook that had come home to you that morning wasn’t your Jungkook.

Your Jungkook was varsity jackets, star of the american football team (which your school was known for), selfless and humorous, and he would always take care of you.

Your Jungkook was not ungroomed hair, cigarettes and worsening grades. He was not cold and lifeless, and he would never make you cry.

Despite this, you were carding your fingers though his hair, thumb wiping away the blood on his lips while he was sound asleep as you slowly fell asleep next to him.

Maybe it was time to let him go. 

Maybe.

You woke a few hours later from your phone vibrating.

Kim Namjoon (school) [07:01 pm]

Hey Y/N! Have you started working on the statistics assignment?

If you haven’t, would you be interested in meeting at the library tomorrow? You’re really smart and i’m kinda struggling ://

You [07:03 pm]

i finished it yesterday, but if you buy me coffee i’ll come help you hehe

Kim Namjoon (school) [07:04 pm]

You’re the best, I’ll bring you a machiatto!! :D

Maybe it would be nice for you to get out of the house, even though you hate the thought of it, and you would much rather just swim in your own sorrow.

But you did go out the next day, and you helped Namjoon get a decent grade, enough to pass with good margines, he thanked you by taking you out for ramen at a convenial store not too far away.

You thanked him for the ramen with a trip to the museum, and he thanked you for the museum trip with a picnic in the park at night, which led you to crying over Jungkook in his embrace, telling him every single little detail.

He made you realize it was time to let Jungkook go and make room for new people to enter your life.

You went home that night, and you found Jungkook passed out on the couch, and you could genuienly feel your chest tighten. Soft features which stood out under the moonlight glow, disheveled brown locks which hung down in his eyes.

He was gorgeous, until you saw the credit card on the table next to three bottles of soju and an empty beer can on the floor. And you knew what he had used the credit card for, though you didn’t want to say it out loud.

You cleaned everything up, and you threw the residue of the white powder right in the trash can, and you recycled his bottles and cans before finally, nudging him to wake up.

“Jungkook, wake up.” You spat coldly, or at least you attempted to.

He groaned, rubbing his eyes before opening his eyes, and s huge smile on his face. “Y/N, you’re home!” He reached to kiss you, but you backed away.

“Y/N?” Jungkook questioned, he didn’t quite understand what your intentions were.

“Don’t try anything Jungkook. This was your last chance, and you fucked it up, again.” The room turned ice cold. “I’m getting you help Jungkook, you need help. And then...”

He understood what kind of help you meant, and since he had now sobered up, he agreed, nodding. “And then...?” 

“And then.” Your words were ludged in your throat. “And then I’m leaving you.”

His whole face dropped, smile turned into the frowniest frown you had ever seen, and it was all silent before his lower lip starts trembling, and his eyes start turning glassy.

“It’s alright. Sorry for burdening you.” Was all he could say before tears rushed down his cheeks, and he started shaking.

So you did what you always had done, and you wrapped your arms around him, head resting on your chest as he sobbed.

“Is there anyone else?” he cried out before another wave of sobs hit him.

This exact question made your stomach hurt, and your throat burn. You really had no idea.

Or you did, but you didn’t want to.

You loved Jungkook so much, but you couldn’t be with him in this state. So you did what every rational person would do in this situation.

“Yeah.”

You lied.

“Oh ok. I don’t have the right to be mad do I?”

You shake your head no.

“I love you Y/N. I’m sorry I’m so messed up.”

“It’s ok.” was all he said before he fell asleep in your arms again.

That night you slither your way out of his embrace and you pack your suitcase in the dark, bringing all your essentials, trying to be as quiet as possible so you didn’t wake Jungkook.

Packing enough for two weeks or so, you make the bed and leave your t-shirt “accidentally” in the bathroom, and you make sure all his clothes are folded, and then you sort his pencil case, throwing out old pens and worn out erasers.

You leave a grocery list on the counter, and you tuck him in good under the blankets after you took his jeans and socks off so he could sleep comfortably.

You placed his vitamins and medicine by the refrigerator so he’ll see it when he goes to grab something to eat. 

Puffed up pillows, a pair of sweatpants, t-shirt and underwear is now placed neatly on his bed. Then you walk into the kitchen again, and you see Jungkook still sound asleep, sniffling a little still.

There’s one last thing, and it makes you cry. It makes you sob so loud you cover your mouth and muffle the sound you make. Sinking to the floor, your whole body is in contact with the cold tiles.

Only a year ago you could never imagine yourself even shedding a single tear over something as small as this, but here you were, on the edge of a panic attack.

Two worn out, matching couple mugs still placed by the counter. one if the first things you two had bought together, as well as the necklace hanging around your neck.

Finally, you stopped crying and started cleaning the mugs, lip trembling as you dried them and placed them in the back of the cabinet.

You unhooked your necklace and laid it down on the counter, and the biggest lump formed in your throat.

Actually, there’s a little detail you forget. 

You kiss Jungkook on the forehead and leave a note on the coffee table.

“Dear Jungkook,

If you want to make this up to me (this does not mean a new chance!!) you call the number at the bottom of the page. No matter what happens, I’ll always have room for you in my heart. You even have your own little VIP lobby in there. And - if it’s urgent, call. I still care for you, and I always have. You were the best boyfriend I’ve had, but good things always come to and end, don’t they? Anyways, I’m tired so this letter fucking sucks, but deep down you know how much I love you. Remember to get groceries, shower, get fresh air and study. If I forgot something you can keep it, as long as you call the number and tell them you’re my friend. They’ll help you love. Try and get a part time job too, your student loan and your dad’s money won’t last forever. Good luck Koo. Hwaiting!!

-L/N Y/N <33″

You cringe when you think of the letter’s contents, before you roll out your suitcase out of the front door, whispering a faint “Goodnight Love.” as you close and lock the door behind you.

Standing by the elevator, you cry again. This time, louder, but you still reach for your phone and type out a text to the newly edited contact in your phone.

You [02:13 am]

coming outside now, im a crying mess and im super cold, is your car heated?

sorry for making you wait btw :((

Joonie <3 [02:13 am]

dont worry about the crying part, i’ll hold you. and yeah car is heated, so waiting here wasnt all that bad. you ready for this?

You  [02:14 am]

i have no idea but i cant stay here any longer and i trust you sooo

lets start our new chapter. eh?

4 months later...

He had been good to you, great even.

You had been on expensive dates, picnics, had heart to heart conversations, and he’d been so understanding.

Today, it was your 2 month anniversary, and he had asked you on a magnificent date, which he had planned every second of.

At the end of the day, you told him how you don’t love him. He said it was alright. Namjoon loved you, so much, yet he understood you needed time.

You went to sleep that day, warm in Namjoon’s embrace, wondering how Jungkook was doing. 

You felt bad, but you missed Jungkook.

You were both with someone new now, and you knew he was in good hands with someone stable enough to care for him.

Before your eyes closed shut, you shed a few quiet tears and hoped that you’d fall in love with Namjoon soon, and deep down you knew you would.

[queerautism]

ok so for disability ask - I've known for a while that I have disabilities such as DID and CPTSD that is disabiling for me, as well as adhd (which i have had funding ready for and paperwork assigned to me to get diagnosed with for a year, and still haven't finished... god, paperwork.......) and autism but I don't count autism as being disabling for me.

but I think I'm also physically disabled and i'm starting to be more honest with myself about it and recognizing? so as far as physical conditions:

dizziness/lightheadedness when standing up after sitting/lying. it's been happening since I was a very young kid. i'm pretty sure its POTS but the one time i tried to tell a doctor when i was a teen she just told me to drink more water. it didn't fix it.

hypermobility in joints, toes and fingers locking in the wrong direction, this has happened for several years, as far back as middle school tbh. also my nose is really squishy and squishes more than cartilage should. i think this is Ehlers Danlos, ive done some reading on it but not enough, i wish i could get in touch with a specialist who actually knows about it.

pain. my back always hurts. like its at about a 2 usually. if i dont focus on it its not all encompassing but i do feel it, especially if im thinking about it. that's just like, regular pain though. i also get hip pain and sometimes my limbs hurt so bad down to the bone and radiating that I wish I could amputate them. its fucking BAD and theres nothing i can do about it, it just lasts for a while, is terrible, takes all my focus, restricts my movement (usually its down through my whole leg and makes it hard to walk), and then it goes away and doesn't happen again for like a month. its varied in intensity through my life but its been around a very long time

also asthma???? i cant really run or anything, i have to have an inhaler or i cant manage it

also i get very dizzy and uncomfortable when i have to stand for long periods (30 minutes, an hour) it becomes all i can think about is how hard it is to keep standing. i try to squat or sit on the floor when i can. i've been wanting to buy a walking stick/cane, i really need one honestly. so long walks or long times standing is really hard on me. its actually wild to me that people can just like stand??? for a while???? like maybe its uncomfy but like its not a big deal???? i have to go lay down for a WHILE after standing that much it sucks

anyway im pretty sure i am physically disabled but im still questioning i guess. and i really need to see a doctor for looking into pots/ehlers danlos but i have no clue how to, or how to get someone good, or anything really. and i want a cane so bad :(( i always lean on the carts when shopping as a mobility aid, i never want to use the little basket because i wont have somewhere to lean. and honestly i think that I am going to use a wheelchair in the future. like part time or full time but i am gonna need a wheelchair eventually. i don't think im gonna get like, less frail. but its super hard for me to convince myself that its ok for me to get a wheelchair, but when the time comes im gonna have to do whats right for me without stigmatizing it. nobody loses anything from my use of a wheelchair. just gonna feel structural ableism in city and building design really acutely.

You are physically disabled like for real buddy but also?? Please try out a rollator if you can. Highly highly recommend if you're doing stuff like leaning on shopping carts and find standing difficult, they are absolutely amazing. I can just sit whenever!

[babysizedfics]

I need to know about doctor mama lo taking care of a sick baby Virgil if you would like pretty please. I dont wanna ask on the in character blog cuz I feel like it would be weird to ask for details and lo seems kinda busy anyway lol.

hey tumblebee!! yeah yeah lets do this, Im gonna write it so that ppl who dont follow the other blog can understand too

WARNING IF U HAVENT ALREADY BLOCKED THE TAGS ILLNESS TW AND VOMIT TW THEY ARE VERY PREVALENT IN THIS

also this is a VERY long headcanon!!

so last night vee got ill, he had been regressed in the afternoon with patton and he was acting much more fussy than usual - not being entertained by his cartoons, not having the energy to play with his rattle, pretty much constantly whining and pouting and he gets very wriggly when he's fussy

patton assumed it was because vee had been upset earlier that day. at one point vee started gripping his stomach, and patton assumed its because he was hungry and could smell the food roman was cooking

but when dinner came around no matter how hard patton tried he couldnt get vee to eat a morsel - he kept turning his head away from the food and whining. at one point patton and logan both managed to convince him to eat a spoonful but his face crumpled with a wince and it looked almost painful for him to swallow it. it was at this point logan noticed he had a faint sheen of sweat on his forehead

things fell into place quickly after that - logan checked his temperature and it was indeed slightly higher than was healthy, they noticed vee's hands were trembling and he was constantly on the verge of tears :(

while patton cleared away dinner and excused roman who wanted to go and craft in his room, logan took vee to his bedroom and tried to check for more symptoms, since vee was non verbal and unresponsive totheir questions. he tested his tummy by pushing it a little to see if the pain got worse when he released it (this is a test for appendicitis) but there was no reaction thankfully except vee being upset by logan not cuddling him. he checked his throat for any redness or infection, nothing.

vee's crying became more pronounced and eventually he was in constant tears, occassionally pleading 'mama mama' through sniffles and hiccups and whines of pain :(( Patton brought him a baby bottle of cooled tea made with fresh mint leaves since that is supposed to help stomach pains. though he left the room again since logan thought it was best not to crowd virgil. Vee's crying had dissipated but he was strangely silent and seemed almost loopy now. he only drank a little of the tea before he pushed it away with a gag.

logan immediately took him to the bathroom knowing what was coming, and sure enough vee threw up into the toilet, crying between gags. logan dutifully managed to keep vee in his lap the whole time and held his hair and rubbed his back, telling him he was such a good boy the whole time

Thankfully it didnt last long as there wasnt much in vees stomach to be emptied. he was shivering and sweating and flushed and had lost all energy. he wasnt even crying anymore, just whimpering under his breath. with a bit of a struggle logan managed to show him how to rinse his mouth out with mouthwash - though he had to hold vee over the sink and pat his back to make sure he didnt swallow it

during all of this patton wasnt able to help because of his heightened empathy, if he sees someone throwing up the likeihood is he will too and that wiuldnt be very helpful! so instead he drives to the store to pick up some medicine and ice pops - and comes back with half the store including some actual baby medicine smh - ((im actually begging u to read that linked post i think its so funny))

it was originallly meant to be logans night to put roman to bed but understandably patton took on that task instead. after roman was drifting off patton pokes his head into vee's room. he had hoped to find lo and vee asleep but they werent. they were lying in the dark with an in the night garden audio story playing on a portable speaker and with vees salt lamp and star night light lighting up the room in a soft glow.

logan offered a strained little smile and nod to patton as he stroked vee's hair and cuddled him close. vee was completely out of it honestly. his body was wholly lax against his mama, his lips were in a permanent pout and his eyes were puffy and wet. he barely even acknowledged his papa coming in, his teary eyes just settled on him for a moment then dropped back to the bedsheets without a reaction. he kept lifting his thumb up to suck on it but logan kept capturing it and apologising as he brought it away. Vee shouldnt suck on his thumb and logan doesnt want to give him a paci while he's ill. understandably, baby vee was completely miserable.

patton asks if logan thinks vee could handle a popsicle or plain crackers at the moment but logan disagrees. he doesnt expect either of them to get much sleep so he will make sure vee eats something in a few hours. with a gentle kiss on vee's forehead patton goes off to bed, confident that logan will be able to look after vee and will come get him if theres any issues

logan and vee really dont sleep much at all. Vee drifts off for a few minutes at a time then gasps awake from vivid fever dreams. logan keeps ice cubes in a bowl by the bed for vee to suck on if he needs to cool down and wraps a couple in a flannel to press to vee's head when his fever rises in the middle of the night.

around 3am logan jolts awake and realises he had drifted off. and vee isnt anywhere in the room. he panics momentarily, bolting up from the bed and dashing to the closet to see if virgil is in there - which he tends to do when he is overwhelmed - but then he hears sniffling from the bathroom.

he finds vee, no longer regressed, curled up against the side of the bathtub with his bangs clinging to his sweaty head. vee is the palest person logan knows but he looks positively grey at the moment

'can i help in any way?' he asks, aware that he doesnt need to baby talk at the moment but still eager to look after this bundle of miserableness

virgil just groans under his breath and clutches his knees to his chest. 'i.. i didnt know what to do with the..' he gestures vaguely to something on the floor

logan notices virgil, being not regressed anymore, had obviously wrestled off the diaper he had been changed into the night before and not known how to dispose of it

'its ok, ive got it' logan wraps it up in a bag and puts it in the trash can they have in the room for just this purpose

'sorry.. m stupid' virgil croaks

'You're not stupid.' logan says firmly as he washes his hands 'You're ill and probably delirious from the fever. it's alright virgil'

theres quiet for a bit longer, virge's head pressed against the porcelain edge of the bathtub likely in an attempt to cool his fever. logan stays there with him for a while just waiting. then suddenly virgil starts sobbing and buries his face in his hands.

'sweetheart, tell me whats wrong please' logan hurries to kneel beside him, lifting his hands away from his face. that wouldnt help the fever

'i dont feel well' virgil cries pathetically, tears rolling down his face.

logans heart breaks 'no, you dont. i'm sorry little one, i know its not nice'

at the nickname virgils thumb raises to his lips again, which logan hurriedly intercepts. 'i'll make you a deal, okay? you're allowed to use a pacifier, but you have to use the same one everyday until you are better. we will need to sterilise it every night too.'

vee sniffles and nods, then chokes 'm not a baby right now though'

'that doesnt matter. you dont need to be regressed to want one of your pacis, vee'

vee is unresponsive and starts scratching at his pyjama pants. logan gets a feeling he isnt saying something. then he notices virgil's pout is much more infantile than his adult ones. 'are you feeling little, baby?'

with a harsh shake of his head vee starts crying again. he whispers 'dont wanna be a b...' then cuts himself off and whimpers

logan cards his fingers through virgils damp bangs. he knows what virgils mind has jumped to. 'were you going to say you dont want to be a baby?' he lifts virgils chin up to look at him 'or that you dont want to be a burden?'

virgils pale lip wobbles 'same fing'

'no sweetheart, no no no,' logan sits on the tiles beside vee and pulls him into his lap. virgil goes willingly. logan rocks his baby as he says 'youre always always allowed to be a baby and its never ever going to upset your family. even if you're an adorable wonderful brave baby boy alllll of the time' he scribbles his finger on virgils rosy cheek and delights at the tiny smile it earns him. 'but especially when you're feeling yucky. you feel a bit yucky today dont you, little one?'

vee nods with a pout

'but yknow whats not yucky? softies and pacis and diapers and lots and lots of cuddles with mama' he holds virgil tighter to prove his point. vee sighs and drops his head to nuzzle against his mama's neck. logan feels he still has a slight fever. 'i know what might help you feel less yucky. does my sweet baby want a sweet ice pop?'

thankfully vee nods against his shoulder and grips tight onto his pyjama shirt, preparing for when logan lifts him up

he first makes sure to change vee into another diaper and even decides that he should wear one of mama's t-shirts as a light dress so he doesnt get as overheated by his pyjamas. at this point vee actually giggles for the first time pretty much all day as he feels the tshirt swish lazily around his legs. logan makes a mental note to observe whether little vee might want to try wearing dresses if the feeling sparks this much joy (at this point logan is unaware that vee has secretly been trying skirts and dresses in his room for months, and roman found out a few weeks ago, but vee isnt ready to tell the cgs yet)

by the time vee is in his diaper and mamas tshirt dress and has a paci and jiji clutched to his chest he is a lot calmer and happier. he's still very ill and exhausted and teary, but theres a tiny smile on his face instead of a pout. in the kitchen he picks a strawberry ice pop and it goes down well, logan convinces him to have a cracker too though vee is in such a young headspace by then that he is just sucking on it, which logan supposes is fine too

by the (real) morning vee is still regressed and has managed to have a couple hours undisturbed sleep. its not much but its better than nothing. logan didnt fare much better. by then vee misses his papa and asks for him and logan hands the responsibility over to papa patton, trustinf the other caregiver enough to catch up on a quick power nap himself

but yes, the main thing is vee thought being ill was a burden enough that he shouldnt be regressed too, but logan makes him see that its okay. vee is regressed pretty much the whole time he is ill over the next few days because its stressful and painful and its a lot easier to feel comforted when ur a baby

yeah! gosh that was long, theres probably a billion spelling mistakes! feel free to ask follow up Qs if i missed anything u wanted to know abt this event

[remade-stopframevevo]

can you tell us more about fawnstar? he is epic

he is pretty epic in a nuclear explosion kind of way

the strategy of answering oc asks by just talking until i couldnt anymore seemed to work pretty well last time so im just going to do that again. ive also been putting this ask off for too long cuz i knew it was going to take forever to answer LOL, i will note though if some things dont make sense theres a good chance im just dancing around spoiling things because hes One of Those types of ocs, you can still ask about certain things (the way im typing this has the 3 times ive said the word things lining up and its really throwing me off) but theres no guarantee i’ll be able to answer them, at least truthfully (theres like a 50% chance im going to intentionally lie about shit when answering this ask btw. just so you know <3)

anyway, fawnstar (he/they nonbiney; no last name, groveclan leaders have their surnames revoked upon leadership) is groveclan’s leader and has been for about *papers shuffling sfx* four-ish years now but dont take that as final because i just realised i dont like the age they wouldve been when they became leader lmfao

fawnstar doesn’t have any known surviving biological family. his mother, eveningeye (she/her), died two years after he became leader and was given a brief and detached funeral. their biological father was a kittypet (which is also where they got The Mane Genetic from) although fawnstar was never told that and to this day doesnt know, not that they care either. also *inserts pic of eveningeye i dont remember even drawing*

fawnstar was made leader after the previous leader, buckstar (he/him tom, also important note: groveclan leaders are chosen at birth and are named after the current leader. this is a tradition that ended with fawnstar), was killed in an ambush. around half a day after buckstar had left camp and not returned, fawnstar - fawnfur at the time - who had been in and out of camp sporadically for the past 2 months, had returned to camp alone in the midst of literally dying, said some incomprehensible shit about rogues and collapsed in the medicine cat den and was left under the care of marblepaw whilst half the clan went out looking for buckstar or any signs of rogues. buckstar’s body was never found, although rogue scent was detected on the outskirts of groveclan’s territory. as a result of this incident, the clans have become much more unforgiving and hostile toward rogues.

as the search for buckstar or any rogues was going on, marblepaw had officially declared fawnfur as dead. no one’s ever let marbleheart live down the fact they declared a cat dead only for said cat to get back up three minutes later, but they still stand by the fact that there would’ve been no way for a fatal neck wound like that to just fix itself, or for them to fix it either.

after the incident, fawnfur became leader and appointed cranecloud (who passed away about... 2 years ago from present day) as their deputy. cranecloud had to do most of the work for the first 3 weeks as fawnstar took time to physically and mentally recover from the event, their voice never fully recovered and four years later they still permanently sound like they need to clear their throat. they never really recovered mentally either.

anyway! that fun stuff aside, fawnstar is a very, very very very very lenient leader to an irritating extent to his clanmates who actually care about the warrior code, ie the hopeheart thing and how when one of his clanmates openly brought in a half floodclan kit his reaction was to shrug and go, “not my problem”. fawnstar’s only concern with the warrior code is avoiding any conflict with the other clans, to the point where he’s pushed his boundaries with each of them far enough that he’s figured out how each will react toward a public break in the code and who he’s safest to fuck up with.

speaking of the clan he’s safest to fuck up with, floodclan and groveclan have a very amicable relationship. this is more of a floodclan thing so i’ll talk more about it when i get to them/the leader, but floodclan has a very... inhabitable territory during the winter. long story short it gets flooded when the rain gets to its worst who’d have thunk it in a place where “flood” is in the name, floodclan’s way of dealing with this is splitting the clan in two and sending half of them to groveclan, who’s camp is on higher ground, until the rain passes since the Still Habitable part of the clan is too small to hold *papers shuffling sfx 2* ~26 cats all at once. usually the deputy and leader would take it in turns to visit each year, but shadowstar (he/she/they tom), floodclan’s current leader, is almost always the one to visit, unless there’s a new deputy who hasn’t taken the lead on the trip before.

there have been challenges to fawnstar’s leadership and how he’s running the clan in the past, but none ended well. despite his apparent lack of care toward anything, fawnstar is still... a very big and very intimidating cat, and a very openly “if you fuck with me im going to crush you like a bug” type of cat. he’s not dictator-like in any way, he doesn’t care enough to be, but any standoffs he’s been made to have against his own clanmates have ended in said clanmate being almost literally backed into a corner and forced to back down.

additionally they’re a very scary cat to have to come into contact with in battle. they don’t take part in them often in the rare occurences they have to happen, but groveclan has a heavy focus on training their warriors to be as effective and strong as possible which is also applied to cats who are Assigned Leader At Birth as fawnstar was. fawnstar was personally given very extreme training, and it’s one of the few things they keep from their younger life and actively makes an effort to keep in the shape they are, even despite their age. oh theyre also very scary because of the apparent immortality and not caring about pain thing! thats scary too.

anyway jesus i just noticed how long of an uninterrupted wall of text this is. im not done but here’s a warrior age fawnstar to break it up a little

to talk more in length about his relationships with others since i havent done it very specifically already heres a few i can think off of the top of my head:

rainwatcher is fawnstar’s deputy and adopted son who they took in after banishing his biological mother on grounds of neglect. even in adulthood they’re still very close. some groveclan residents think it’s a total joke that in the first election for deputy they’ve ever done it’s just a ~coincidence~ the leader’s son wins but fawnstar still refutes there would have been literally no way to fake a winner, they werent even the one counting. if anything fawnstar would have been more comfortable with someone else coming out on top, it’s not that they think rainwatcher is a bad deputy, but they’d rather anyone else in the clan be in such a “precarious” rank than their own son.

marbleheart... does not like fawnstar at all... i feel like it would be very easy to be furious (and terrified) at someone who not only seemingly died and got back up, but made sure everyone thought you were an idiot who was “hallucinating” it. there’s other reasons marbleheart doesn’t like fawnstar but you know 💅 that’s their business *touch tone telephone starts playing, but anyways*

they also have a pretty close relationship with silvermoon (she/her molly), floodclan’s deputy. i’ll talk more about silvermoon when i talk about her in her own post (she IS little ms protagonist herself after all), but silvermoon has been visiting during every winter migration to groveclan since she was a kit and has come to view fawnstar as some weird uncle figure, which is also encouraged (for lack of better word since its 8am right now and i cant think anymore) by shadowstar, silvermoon’s mentor, since he has a.. fairly close relationship with fawnstar too

i know you want me to talk about fawnstars relationship to shadowstar now after saying what i just said and im intentionally not going to <3 you will simply have to ask or wait <3

less specifically, fawnstar is typically very distant from his clanmates, apart from frequently visiting the nursery. it’s one of the only times he makes an effort to leave the clan’s garden (ill talk about what i mean by garden some other time its a territory thing lol) apart from gatherings (and seemingly wandering out into the night sometimes, but that’s his business, i guess...), he’s very watchful over the nursery and the kits and cares very deeply for each of them. arguably the only rule in the warrior code they care for is the one about protecting any and all kits.

anyways, theres definitely more but my brain isnt letting me remember other things to talk about so heres some fun little trivia facts

they have a pet family of snails in the clans garden

this story takes place in the same universe where the canon clans exist in a “what if we took the clans and pushed them (made new ones) somewhere else” way but key figures in clan history are still remembered. one time someone remarked to fawnstar, “hey, youre orange like that firestar guy apparently was” and its the hardest fawnstar had laughed in literally years

they’re gay in a “he never married” way. dont worry about what i mean by this

their least favorite ~historical figure~ is brokenstar, for obvious reasons. if he could he’d kill him three times.

he has adhd

ok thats all i have for now! feel free to ask me about anything here but ive only been awake for like 3 hours and also im very hungry so if any of this is incomprehensible it is simply not my problem!!! thank you for asking about my little war criminal!!!

[bowlegsandgrace]

rant

I am much more aware (although still pretty dense at times) when it comes to knowing what people think of me. Made amends with m cousin a little mover a month ago. We had a falling out 2 yrs ago and havent spoken since (although she tried to reach out about a year ago but I wasnt having it). And in her eagerness to make amends she’s been inviting me over a lot. Like a LOT. To the point she gave me her spare key (without me asking or in any way implying that I wanted a key). And I know how over zealous I get in friendships. Thinking its deeper than the other person thinks. 

Told a friend Id known all through out highschool I wanted to come visit her one weekend (a classmate/quasi friend in college was going up that way and knew I had friends in the area and offered me a ride) and she was fine with it until a day before when she realized I expected to sleep in her dorm room. She snapped at me and said I couldnt just invite myself over to stay in her dorm room which...fair point. I shouldnt have ASSumed. Even though we seemed to have a fun time the last time she invited me to her school to hang out and spend the night. I just misunderstood our friendship which dies out pretty soon after. 

Even though Ive gotten better (I think) at this I still mess up. At this point I dont even have any friends. No meaningful relationships outside of family and those just feel like theyre being nice to me out of obligation. The only people who REALLY like me are a bunch of toddlers. But its alright. Most of the time it doesnt bother me. I just have to keep reminding myself that just bc people are nice to me doesnt mean they want to be friends. And I usually work enough so i dont have time to hang out or do anything anyways so its whatever. 

What gets me are people who push the relationship. And I think we could actually be friends. But then they get tired of it and realize they dont actually like spending time with me but instead of being honest with me theyll just make up lies. And I wish I could go back tot he days where I was oblivious to their intentions and just believed the lies. Now I can tell and it kills me everytime it happens. 

Back to my cousin. I think she’s reached that point where she’s grown tired of me. Even though i had a key I made sure never to go over unannounced. And I thought I was doing ok and we were having fun. But something just seemed off when we were hanging with her friends yesterday. She invited me but i dont think I was really wanted there. Today I managed to snag a freezer for her for a really good price and deiced to gift it to her for her bday which was a couple of days ago. I know she’s been wanting one bc Ive been helping her look for one. I called her after i picked it up to check of she was home and she seemed really annoyed i wouldnt tell her what it was bc I wanted it to be a surprise. She said she was about to head out to get something to eat so i decided to run some errands and kill some times. About 1.5 hrs later I asked her if she was back yet and she wasnt. So I went home to wait. Its been about 4 hrs now and I know she’s just forgotten about me or is ignoring me. I know she’ll text me in a few hours saying she fell asleep or something bc at that point she knows itll be late enough I wont come over. 

And I hate myself so falling for it all over again. I hate that Im just trying to be a good friend and she doesnt like it. Just tell me. Please. People ask why i always do things by myself and this is why. Its less painful. I go to the movies, concerts, dinners, etc by myself bc I can to what I want when I want without anyone criticizing my choices and making fun of me for what I like. I do thing by myself bc I dont expect anything of anyone so they cant disappoint me. My cousin keeps saying she’s going to come over and help me unpack but everytime she claims she’s sick. I had to take a day off of work tomorrow bc she insisted the only way she was going to come over was if it was first thing in the morning after she dropped her kid off at school. Even though Im home by 1:30 most days and her kid doesnt have to be picked up until 6pm the latest. And now she’s ignoring me so she’ll probably make up some excuse not to come over tomorrow meaning Ive taken a day off of work for nothing. 

[reeree1500]

The Return- Part 10

Disclaimer: YALL IM SO SO SO SORRY.😭😭 I have been horrible and not updated this story for at least a month.😬 I can explain though... University has been kicking my ass and between that and my co-op placement at a law firm.😅 Ive had absolutely no time to do anything😩 BTW IVE MISSED YALL SO MUCH❤️And Ive read all your messages and asks. And yes my mental health is now better and y'all are so understanding and supportive 💕 honestly could not have asked for a better group of individuals☺️❤️

Part 1 part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 part 8 part 9 Part 11 

Anyways onto the storyyyyy.....

Warnings: ANGSTY AF (kinda figured out that im probably a smut and angst writer at this point🤷🏽‍♀️), sucky ass grammar and spelling like always, my cliche imagination and the fact that Im probably a horrible human being😬😩 Also made it extra long cuz I felt baddd 

PLEASE DONT KILL ME FOR THIS ONE😬

Taglist: @yanii-the-hippie @oceans-daughter-3 @peaceisadirtyword @laketaj24 @camatsuru @youbloodymadgenius @calum-hoodwinked-me @cutegyrl927 @wuxiesalt @readsalot73 @cindy-exo @affection-rabbit @amy8220 @mel0nch0ly @queenofallthyfandoms @limbo-limbo-limbo @ragnarssonsbitch @supernaturalvikingwhore @ifihadwings128 @paintballkid711 @jenny-the-lover @funmadnessandbadassvikings @blonddnamedhandz @hallowed-heathen @pinkrockstar19 @ivarthethiccness

Sorry if I missed any of you💕 Lemme know if you want to be tagged. Also requests are open, and I’ve got a ton of them to do and finish. Hopefully Ill be able to post them soon enough

Arthur’s POV

“Arthur please! Open the door my love, I know what it may seem like to you, but I assure you that its not.” (Y/n) pleaded from the other side. I sat down on the mattress in our chamber contemplating whether or not it was true. Should I believe what my wife so desperately is trying to reassure me off. Or should I stick with my gut feeling and tell her how I have felt for the last 4 years. Her constant pounding on the door finally gets to me and I make my way to open it. “I wish to be left alone at the moment (y/n).” Her arms circle around my waist and I can feel her face wetting by back with tears. “Arthur please, talk to me. Why have you run off. You know that I love you. I do not want him, all he does is bring me pain and you take that away. So please, talk to me!” (y/n) murmurs into my back. As much as it pains me to do so I pry her hands off of me and sit us down on the bed. All I do is long for her touch, but this is not okay. I cannot keep feeling this way and go on pretending that I could have ever stood a chance against him. “(y/n), look at me. I love you and I always will. But its evident that you love him. and I honestly can say that I know I will never stand a chance against him, because the thought of you possibly running back to him has always been on my mind since the day we got married.” 

Her eyes showed so much pain that confessing this felt as if I was driving a knife through her heart. “Arthur, I love you. What can I do to show you that. Yes I confess that I was in love with him, but that was long ago and I have left it in the past in order to build a future with you. Whom I love and who I share and will continue to share beautiful children with. So please don't shut me out, Arthur.” She says leaning our foreheads together and holding my face in her gentle hands. “Ok, however I want to be able to process things by myself. So I have decided to have the guest room across the hall prepared only until I figure things out.” With out giving her a chance to fight back, I place my lips on hers and savour the kiss as if it were our last. Meeting her eyes was something I wanted to avoid as I knew that just looking at her broken expression would make me change my mind. I hastily make my way out of the room, but sneak a quick glance over my shoulder to find my wife staring off into the direction where I once sat. With tears streaming down her eyes...

Your POV

What had I done? Why was I such fool to not see what my husband was clearly going through? Millions of questions rushed into my mind about how to go about this situation. I loved Arthur, I was clear on that. But he spoke the truth, there was something in me that could not let Ivar go and it took hurting my husband and Ivar to figure that out. As I sulked I forgot about the doctor whom I had asked to see me earlier. I was having really bad stomach pains and my breasts were more tender then they had ever been. So I wanted to make sure that I was not sick, as that would have been the last thing I needed on my plate at the moment. “My Queen, are you alright? Do you wish to push back this appointment, I dont mind coming by later when you're better.” The doctor spoke from behind me. “Yes, it seems so. Ill let the servant girl know if I need you doctor. Im sorry for the inconvenience.” “Nonsense your majesty, it is my pleasure to serve you.” With a bow the doctor retreats from the room and Im left to my own thoughts once again...

----------------------------------

“(y/n), wake up... its seems that you fell asleep on the floor. Come on I’ll help you up.” Upon hearing Hvitty’s comforting voice my eyes flutter open and I cant help the tears that song come down my face like a cascade. “(y/n)! are you alright are you hurt anywhere? Why are you crying?” Hvitserk’s eyes scan my face and my body looking for the source of my pain, which is held in my heart, but he’ll never know that. “Arthur... He...” I try to find the words to say. “What! What did he do! Did he hurt you? I swear ill kill him!” With that Hvitserk tries to let me go and run out the door, but somehow I manage to stop him. “Hvitserk, No! He didn't hurt me. I hurt him... He believes that Im in love with Ivar, and I fear that their maybe some truth to it...” I say just above a whisper, with my head held low. “(Y/N), Ive known that since before you were married. It was obvious, but I would never say anything to you because I found that it was best if I kept such observations to myself, before I found out about your father.” Lifting my head and staring directly at him, I move my head to the side with a puzzling look. “What do you mean about my father, Hvitserk?” Hvitserk now mirrors the same lost look that I have on my face. “I thought thats why you and Ivar had gotten together, because Ragnar’s not your father...”

----------------------------------------------

Ivar’s POV

“Aghhhh!”Is the sound that comes out of my gritted teeth when the medicinal herbs are placed on my face. “That hurts like a bitch, get out! Ill do this myself if I have to. GO!” I yell at the servant girl who tried to cleanse and tend to the cuts on my face. “Ivar,  please let the servants tend to you. I still cannot believe that Arthur punched you in the face. Hehehe, you deserved it though, how could you question the paternity of his children and not expect him to want to kill you?” Bjorn laughs as he chugs the rest of his drink down. “Well, if you actually cared about your children and the heir to your throne, you’d also be quite upset to find a Christian King claiming to be their father. Those children are mine! And its pretty evident, just look at Marjorie. She's my spitting image.” I snarl at him as the anger begins to rise in me again. “Ivar, thats your mistake and why you’ll never get (y/n) back. You believe that everything should be yours. And that people are things you can govern over, but they're not. Because those are children. And yes they may be yours, but you cannot take away what they have known because you want to be selfish.” He says with a stern look on his face, whilst getting up from his chair and making his way to the door. “Now get ready and fix yourself we have a intimate dinner to attend to with MY sister and the love of your life.” Unbeknownst to us, there was Freydis on the balcony listening to our whole conversation. And little did I know that it would come to be the thing I regretted the most.

At the dinner I notice (y/n) sit on the opposite side of the table from Arthur. This wouldn't have affected me if it wasn't for the look on both of their faces. They seemed distraught and broken. Arthur masked it well, but (y/n) was an open book for all of us to know exactly how she felt at that moment. Not much talking happened, besides Marjorie and Erik shouting at each other on who was better at riding. They reminded me a lot of myself and all I wanted was to tell them the truth, that they were my children and that they would go back to Kattegat with me to learn about the true gods and not the fable that had been told to them about their so called ‘God’.” “(Y/n) are you alright, you do not seem quite like yourself tonight.” Bjorn states with a concerned look that we all share. Even Arthur looks a bit concerned, but his body language makes it seem as if he is alright and nothing is wrong. “Sarah, could you please put Marjorie and Erik to bed? Its getting late for them and they have their lessons early in the morning.” She says with a stern and cold look in her (e/c) eyes. “Su...sure your majesty. “ At that Bjorn stands up as if to accompany Sarah, but is quickly stopped by (y/n)’s icy glare and venomous words. “Sit your ass down.” At that we all look astonished, but Hvitserk only stares at her with sadness and what seems to be sympathy. He must know why she is like this then. 

Bjorn slowly sits back down on the table. A shocked look graces his face, as he cannot comprehend why she is acting this way towards her beloved older brother. “How long.” Is all she grits out through her teeth. “What do you mean, (y/n)?” My eyes meet Hvitserk’s own and the realization dawns upon me. She knows...

--------------------------

Your POV

“Stop with the bullshit! I cannot take anyone else lying to me!” I scream as I bang my hands against the table, stunning everyone in sight. “How long did you know that Ragnar was not my father! How long have you kept the truth from me! How long have you known that Athelstan was my father!” I could careless about everyone staring at me as if I was a mad woman. I had been lied to my whole life. All I had known had been a lie, and the people who I trusted the most in this world had been the ones keeping it a secret from me. “(Y/N)... I..I’ve know since the moment you were born. But father had sworn me into secrecy and I could not break a promise. This doesn't change anything though. You are still my sister and you will always be.” Bjorn says in a haste as tries to come closer to me, but I step back and move as far back as I can. “Did you know? Tell me! Ivar did you know that we were not siblings!” Ivar didn't even have to answer. I knew from the look in his eyes that he too had been lying to me. 

“I knew.” Arthur says staring right at me. “I knew that you weren't his daughter and I knew that Ivar wasn't your brother. But I kept that information from you because all I wanted to do was have you by my side. I’m sorry, for the pain I have caused you (y/n). Im sorry for being selfish and not telling you the truth, but I now see that I was wrong and as of tomorrow you are free to go back to your country. I promise that your title and lands will not be taken from you or from the children. May they be mine or his. But I cannot go on with this facade anymore.” Arthur says in the most calm demeanour as he stands up and comes to me. “You hypocrite! How dare you make me feel like shit for harbouring feelings for Ivar when you knew all along and knew that my whole life was a lie.” I scream as I run at him and slap him across the face. But before I can get another punch in I feel a strong grip holding me from behind. From the shocks and the utter feeling in my stomach I knew it could have only been Ivar. As I try desperately to release from his vice grip, my whole world comes crashing down when Sarah enters the room. With blood all over her.

“Your highnesses...Erik.... he.. he..” She tries to say through her shock. “What! What is wrong with my son!” Ivar, Arthur and I scream at the same time. “He.. he’s dying!”

------------------------------------------------

We all simultaneously run after Sarah towards the doctors quarters. Ivar with his brace on, manages to run faster than all of us and busts the doors wide open. if I wasn't so worried about my son or upset about the fact they all knew Ragnar wasn't my father, I would've been impressed. “What are you doing! Get away from my son!” At that Ivar rushes towards the doctor who is bleeding Erik out. Grabbing him by the collar he slams the doctor on the wall and his sclera go into bluish hue, showing that he is in danger of breaking a bone. “Ivar stop it! Let the man go, he is just trying to help.” “Help my ass! I will not let you harm my son, do you understand me! I will not let you harm him!” At that Ivar lets the doctor go, but not without staring him down. And the doctor looking like he is about to shit himself. Rushing to Erik’s side I notice something strange. The colour of his skin is now fading and his eyes have bags under them. But what hits me the most is the memory of Uncle Rollo teaching me about poison. “He doesn't need to be bled, he needs medicine. He’s been poisoned...” 

“Mama! What is wrong with Erik! He will be okay right? He has to be okay!” Marjorie begins to say as she shakes with fear. Before Arthur or I could say something to console her, Ivar bends down and takes her hands in his. “Marjorie, listen to me. Your brother is a fighter and so are you. After all were related aren't we?” Ivar says as he lifts her chin. “Yes..I suppose that we are. Is it true what they say though? Are you our father?” At that Ivar turns to me looking towards me for permission. At this point I think to myself how hard it was to learn my whole life had been a lie and that I would not want that for my children, so I nod. “Yes, Marjorie I am your father. And no your mother is not my sister. It was something that we had to say because she needed to be kept safe.” He says ever so calmly. “Safe from who?”She questions “From my mother. Your grandmother.”

Cough*Cough* Spurts of blood cover me in seconds. My attention becomes focused in on my son again. “Where is the damn antidote! Please someone hurry!” At that Hvitserk runs into the room with a small green vial. “Here take this it should help him. Lagertha gave it to me before her and father left. Something about it would come in handy some day. Here.” Shoving the vial in my hands I open it quickly and lift Erik’s head. “Drink this Erik. It should help you, my darling. Please be strong, I know you're scared, but you’ll be alright ok. Everything will be ok.” I say through tears. Today had been the worst day by far. “Mira... please help my son. I know you're always with me, but please help me now. Pray for my son and ask God to save him.”

----------------------------------------

A few hours had gone by and nobody had moved from the room. Arthur sat on the chair next to the bed with his elbows on his knees, looking straight and focused in on Erik. Bjorn and Hvitserk sat by the fireplace and were wetting some towels so that we could place them atop Eriks head. I sat on the bed next to my son and caressed his beautiful face hoping for a miracle. I had dismissed Sarah and told her to take Marjorie with her, but she would not budge. Sarah left, but Marjorie stayed and sat in Ivars lap asking him if Erik would pull through. Ivar was sweet to answer as best as he could, and I could tell that he truly cared for his children even if his demeanour wasn't the greatest. I knew that deep in my heart I would have to let him get to know them, but it still hurt especially knowing that he now was married. “Wait, where is Freydis? I haven't seen her since yesterday.” I say looking towards Ivar. “I dont know earthier to be honest, she's probably looking at some damn flowers anyway. Its best if she's far away anyway.” “Why would you say that about your wi-” “she's not my wife, at least not yet. Were not actually married, (y/n). I just said that to piss you off.” Taking a deep breath I go to stand up from the bed in order to fetch a bucket of water and some new cloths. Instead I end up on the floor cradling my belly, with a burning sensation in my chest and blood pouring out from my mouth. “(Y/n)! Mama!” I can hear the shouts around me. “Fetch the doctor! Now hurry!” The voices around me begin to fade and not before long I can feel myself drifting away.

“My baby... Save my baby...” And with that everything turns pitch black...

[wampa-baby]

My Story: The Insulin Crisis

I’m very shaken right now. The amount of shit I had to go through to get that small vial of insulin above was terrifying and humiliating. I want to start out by saying that I consider myself to be “well off” in millennial terms. I live with 2 cats in a one bedroom apartment and recently got my dream job in my field making salary. That being said, I have a lot of bills, obligations, and responsibilities that take my money from me constantly. One of those responsibilities is called Diabetes Mellitus, Type 1. I have had this disease since I was 2 years old and I have never known life without it. I was lucky enough to have parents that supported me and allowed me to be on their insurance plan so that I could afford insulin at about $25. When I turned the magic age and was dropped off the family insurance and got insurance through my job, it was not as good, so the price of insulin raised a bit to about $60 for a 3 month supply. Still manageable. Through some choices I made (my parents would call them irresponsible actions) I was no longer eligible for my company’s insurance and was dropped. I then got insurance through Obamacare, and insulin copays again dropped to $25! But Obamacare was expensive and I couldn’t make the payments and I was dropped from insurance. However, I get insurance again through my new job, which was setup today (even though I was hired 3 weeks ago). This brings me to my crisis.

I have just come back from a family vacation, my insulin pump tells me I have about 10 units to my name before I run out. I go to the fridge to get my next vial, I have none. Panic. I have no insurance until July 1. I have about $150 in my bank account until Friday. I will run out of insulin overnight, be in DKA (Diabetic Keto Acidosis) by morning, and either be dead or in a $11,500 hospital stay by midday tomorrow. I have about 3 hours before the pharmacies close so I get to work.

GoodRx is an amazing company and so helpful for many people, but sadly not me. I look up Humalog and get a result for Walgreens that has it for $68. Awesome, I can deal with that. I transfer my prescription from CVS and zoom over there. When I get there I ask for Humalog and show them the coupon. They run it through and say that it will be $320. Apparently they have to give me 2 vials because that is what my script says. The coupon I have is for the generic Lispro not name brand Humalog and I don’t have a prescription for Lispro, I have Humalog. They say I need to call my doctor to get a prescription yada yada yada... Except the doctor’s office is closed and I talk to an answering service. Now I worked for an answering service so I have no qualms, when they couldn’t help, I understood and thanked them for being there. I ask Walgreens what to do, what they suggest. They tell me about Walmart’s amazing prices for insulin. I have heard the rumors, so I give it a shot. 

I give Walmart a call from Walgreens, they say they have it for about $121 with the GoodRx coupon. I’m hesitant because thats almost all my money for a few days but hey it’s either that or my life so ok. Here’s where things get scary. They are going through the paperwork steps, getting my script transferred, setting up an account at Walmart, etc. I give them the coupon and they start the process for transfer and will get back to me with the price. I wait impatiently as they waste valuable minutes doing this. They finally tell me that one vial is $294 with the coupon. I almost cry as I realize I have 15 minutes before all pharmacies close. 

I remember the news story about Walmart having $25 insulin thats available over the counter and ask about it. They pull out the Humulin. The pharmacist does not recommend it as this is not what I was prescribed. I try to explain that this is an emergency and that it will have to do at this point. He offers me three different kinds, Humulin R, Humulin N, and Humulin 70/30. Its been a while since I’ve had to take the different types since I use an insulin pump. I ask about the differences to make sure I have the right one (theres no returns). The pharmacist has a language barrier and is not answering my question. He keeps repeating that he does not recommend it and that I wasn’t prescribed it and its not the same, there will be complications, etc. I am trying to stay calm in this stressful situation but he is making it difficult. He starts telling me that I can call my doctor and he can fill the Humalog for tomorrow and that I should wait. This completely infuriates me and I tell him “I will be dead by tomorrow if I don’t have this right now.” I am in tears at this point. I purchase the insulin and go cry in my car outside of Walmart until I am calm enough to drive.

I don’t know if this insulin will work, but it’s all i have. My anxiety acts up and even now I am thinking about the different situations I might’ve ended up in tonight. I thought about asking my boyfriend or parents for the money, but the lecture would be worse than anything my own body would do to me. I thought about mooching off my diabetic friend, “can i use like 100 units of your stash?” I even thought about sucking that pharmacist's dick for insulin like some sort of drug addict. But im not an addict, im just trying to LIVE. 

I realized what this crisis is doing to other people and children who live with this disease. I’m lucky that all I fear is a lecture ive receive over and over again. But for some, what I went through tonight would have been certain death. Insulin should not cost $600 for 1 vial. Its sickening to think people live in pain because they can’t afford something they need to live. Insulin is not optional for us! I am angry, I am furious at these companies for putting anyone in the situation i was in tonight. Contemplating their own death and thinking how much longer they can put off buying a simple life saving drug?? Its outrageous! 

This was a wake up call for me, I hope it is for anyone that reads it. Please feel free to add your story or links to where anyone can speak up about the insulin price crisis. Much appreciated.

[fanficsrusz]

My Obligation Final Part - Keanu Reeves Mini Series

A/n: since this was a mini series, i didn't want to do a lot of parts so i feel like 3 parts is the perfect amount. Requested by @ringa-starr.

__________

Keanu practically wore away the floor with all the pacing had done that night. He felt lost, numb, not knowing what to do, not knowing how to save his wife and his unborn baby. 

As the hours went by and the police dwindled away, he was soon left alone in the house. He dragged his body upstairs, the floorboards creaking under each step he took. He made his way past the pictures of Deidra hung on the wall, unable to look at them fearing the guilt of not being able to protect her would eat away at him. 

He found himself stood in the middle of the nursery, the only source of light came from the full moon outside. Shadows danced across the walls and the once happy room was now a constant reminder of how he was a failure of a husband, a failure of a father. 

He dropped to his knees, his heart heavy in his chest as he unleashed the tears he had been holding in. His sobs echoed through the empty halls. He sat there for ages as the tears poured from his eyes, until his sadness turned to anger.  He had to find her and he would do anything to get her back.

~

Deidra jumped awake, her vision taken away by a thin piece of material. Only a blurred outline of a light was visible. She let out a soft whimper as memories flooded back to her.

The first thought that rushed through her head was making sure the baby was ok. The baby must have known what she was thinking as it kicked letting Deidra know it was ok. 

She relaxed for a second before realising she was still in danger. 

She tried to remember as much as she could but her head hurt. She raised a hand to remove the blindfold slowly, scared of what it hides. 

The light blinded her momentarily but she blinked away the pain. 

She expected more than a bedroom. She expected cells with torture devices placed around but all there was was a bedroom. A small bed with a few teddy bears, a side table, a vanity and posters. If anything it was a normal bedroom.

Deidra looked around as she slowly stood from her spot on the floor. Her back hurt as she used the wall for support. 

"I wouldn't move if i was you" a soft voice came from the dark doorway and Deidra jumped 10 feet into the air. 

A young girl, maybe 19, came into view. She was slim, tall, an average girl. Straight brown hair was slick to her head, a sharp contrast to her pale skin and piercing blue eyes stared at her. Deidra knew just by looking at them that they held so many secrets. 

The girl stepped deeper into the room and Deidra felt small in comparison to her. The light in the room bounced of something in her grip. A small knife clutched in her hand. 

"please" Deidra whispered sinking back to the floor "i just want to go back to my home". The girl continued to walk closer before stopping inches away from her. 

"I think you mean my house" the girl looked down at Deidra's stomach and extended her hand. 

Without thinking Deidra swatted her hand away, not wanting the psycho anywhere near her baby. 

The girl pulled away angrily before standing. 

"I never understood what he saw in you" she stood and moved over to a TV that hung on the wall. Turning it on before stepping back. 

She flicked through the channels and Deidra felt a tear slip down her face. 

"why are you doing this?" she whimpered, the only response she got was a hush. Deidra turnt to the tv as the girl turned on the news. 

“Tonight, shock and horror as Keanu Reeves pregnant wife Deidra Reeves has been kidnapped by a deranged fan known as Samantha Clerk. Samantha is known to the police for having stalked Mr Reeves 3 years ago. She was arrested for breaking and entering and given a 2 year sentence. More on the story later. '' Samantha's picture flashed onto the screen and Deidras eyes went wide as she realised who had taken her.

“See you're finally becoming famous by yourself. No need to steel Keanus light anymore” she turned to stare at Deidra. 

“It's you. You're the fan that Keanu told me about”  Deidra tried to stand again and samantha stormed her way over, stopping once centimeters from her face. 

“We would have been together by now if you hadn't got in the way. We love each other. It should be my Obligation to keep him happy, not you” samantha poken deidra’s chest as she spat through her teeth. 

Deidra just cried “ please just let me go. I don't understand what you want from me” the girl begged as she felt the baby move inside her, something it did whenever its mother became scared. 

“Why would I let you go? You’re a one way ticket to him. As long as I have you, i have keanu” her eyes lit up as she spoke of the man but darkened as she turned back to her hostage.

 “Please. I- my- im pregnant” she stammered out and samantha just smiled. 

“Oh I know. You see…” she stepped closer and leaned down to the bump, Deidra turned protectively but Samantha grabbed her arm harshly as she pushed her back into the wall stopping her from moving. Deidra let out a pained moan as the girl continued to talk. 

“I got out of prison 2 years ago and by that time he had already married you. At first I just planned on killing you, getting rid of you the easy way. But then you got pregnant and i had an idea. Why not take the baby as my own instead and then kill you that way i would have a family instantly.”  the knife she was holding was bought up and held inches from Deidra's eye. Deidra could do nothing but cry, she couldn't run or she would be caught within seconds. She had no other choice but to play along with the insane game of the girl. 

“You should get comfy. You're going to be here for a while. Don't worry, I'll take care of the baby” 

~~~~~~

Hours turned to days, days turned to weeks and soon enough deidra had been missing for 2 months. Keanu was a mess, his once welcoming eyes were now sunken. His face gaunt and his frame weak.

He had spent many sleepless nights searching for anything to lead him to where Deidra was. He was becoming more and more worried since her due date was approaching and she had missed so many hospital appointments. 

The police had half given up, moving on to other cases saying that with no trace of her there was not much they could do. 

Keanu was enraged at the polices lack of help and so took it upon himself to hire a private detective. He didn't care how much money or time was spent on this, he would find her. 

There was not much to work with since there was hardly any clues as to where samantha had taken Deidra. 

But that had all changed a few weeks ago when he had received a lock of Deidra's hair in the mail with a note. A single word written across it. "soon" 

Keanu gave it to his private detective immediately. They were able to find out what type of paper it was, where it was bought from and then they had found cctv footage of samantha buying it. They had found her. 

~

“Wake uppp” samantha sang as she walked into the room, carrying a tray of food. 

True to her word, Samantha had taken care of Deidra, giving her fresh clothes and plenty of food daily. 

Maybe it was the lack of  being able to talk to other people but Deidra was beginning to care for the girl and samantha had come to enjoy talking to Deidra, finding solace in her company. 

With not much else to do apart from sit in one room, Deidra had found herself asking questions about samantha's life. She felt sorry for her when samantha told her of how her mother would abuse her and sell her off to men for money. 

Her father was no better, he would often burn her with cigarettes or beat her for no reason. 

Samantha has spent hours telling Deidra various stories of her childhood and deidra noticed something, she did not have one good story. She felt bad for the girl, all she needed was help. 

Deidra remembered one sentence that the girl had told her, saying “ I wish I could have my own child so I could treat it right, give it the life I never had. but i can't. I'm- i can't have children"

Samantha looked broken when she told Deidra this, she didn't know what else to do but hug Samantha as she cried. maybe it was insane to think but somehow samantha doing all this made little sense to Deidra. 

All she wanted was a child, to give it a good life, to have had a good childhood without all the pain. 

She was misguided, lost, all she needed was professional help. 

"how are you today Deidra" samantha asked as she helped her stand. "ive been better" deidra lied as she stopped herself from pulling a pained face. 

samantha helped her over to the sofa in the room as she sat. 

Samantha had an unusual look on her face and Deidra noticed it straight away. She had become a sort of mother figure to Samantha. 

"Samantha whats wrong?" samantha just sighed and Deidra moved closer waiting for her to answer. 

"I don't know what to do anymore" 

Deidra had almost forgot that she was being held hostage here.

"I think you know what you need to do samantha. I can get you the help you need" deidra placed a reassuring hand onto her shoulder and Samantha smiled. 

"Deidra im so sorry. For all of this really i am. I should have never done this" deidra smiled and moved to sit back as she felt pain in her back.

"look let me just sort out a- are you alright?" samantha leaned over to look at Deidra as she let out a moan of pain. "oh God Samantha i'm sorry. I think- AHHHH- i think i've been having contractions all night" samantha jumped up. "WHAT. why didn't you tell me. Oh my god what have i done" samantha pulled her hands to cover her mouth. 

"samantha sweetie its ok- AHHHH CHRIST- ok" deidra breathed out as she tried to control her breathing. "ok you need to get me an ambulance". Samantha stood up straight "no. I cant. I'll go back to prison" samantha began to pace as she thought of what to do. 

Suddenly she shot her head up as she formed an idea.

 "Deidra wait 5 minutes" She ran out of the room before Deidra could protest. Leaving her to deal with the pain alone.

After what felt like an eternity, Samantha returned with an elderly women following her with towels and water. 

Samantha rushed over to crouch next to Deidra. "this is Christine. She's my neighbour, She used to be a nurse. She will help you. '' At this point Deidra could hardly keep her eyes open, the pain becoming too much as she began to fade in and out of consciousness. All she could see was Christine moving over in front of her. 

Deidra couldn't see anything, couldn't move anything, she could only hear. She could hear the cries of a baby and maybe from the loss of blood, but she swore she could hear keanu's beautiful voice calling her name. 

~

 Keanu has spent hours tracking Samantha. He hated her, hated how she took Deidra from him and hated how he couldn't have stopped her. 

Watching CCTV footage of the streets, he had finally tracked her to a small little house just outside of New york. Hopefully, where he would find Deidra. Taking the information to the police, they all prepared to break it.

 Keanu stood outside of the house and waited for the police to move in. Eventually, they broke through the windows, keanu following hot on their heels. 

"DEIDRA" keanu shouted, his voice carrying through the halls. The police moved through the house, searching for any sign of Deidra. Finally, keanu heard the words he had wanted to hear for months. "WE GOT HER". Keanu pushed past various police officers, rushing into the room. 

Deidra laid on the floor, her face pale and blood pooled around her body. 

Keanu dropped onto his knees next to her. "nononononono" he whispered, pulling her body into his arms.

Paramedics rushed over to him, pulling him away as they began to work on saving her. 

Keanu then heard something, the sound of a baby crying.

 He turned to see Samantha in the corner with a baby in her arms. His baby. He stormed over to her as he took the baby from her. 

"Im sorry. Im so sorry. Is she ok?" samantha pleaded and keanu shot daggers at her as police put her in cuffs. "you've taken her from me." he whispered as tears ran down his face, the threat of losing his wife becoming more likely. The baby settled in his arms as another paramedics looked over the little girl. 

Samantha tried to resist the police dragging her out just so she could she if Deidra was still alive. She cried as she saw the paramedics had began CPR on her. 

~

Kenau sat in a white room as he smiled down at the baby girl in his arms. He laughed as she cooed up at her father. 

"keanu?"a weak voice called for him and his heart skipped a beat.

Looking up he met Deidra's beautiful eyes. Her face was full of colour again and her smile was warm.  " oh God. Deidra. You're finally awake" he rushed over to the girl in the bed and helped her sit up. 

Deidra stopped moving, tears welled in her eyes as she noticed the baby girl in keanus arms. 

"is-is that-" Deidra couldn't form the words she wanted to say and keanu just nodded as he handed the baby to her mum. 

Keanu walked out of the room to get a doctor to check over his wife. 

Deidra stared at the little girl in her arms, tears falling down her face. 

" Hi" she whispered as she stroked her daughters face, smiling as the baby giggled. She couldn’t believe that she was finally there in her arms. Happy and healthy. 

"Hello Deidra. I'm Dr. Monrow. Would you mind?" an old man stood in the doorway as he gestured to the room as a way of asking if he could enter. Deidra nodded and watched as he began to make his way over. 

He picked up her wrist as he took her pulse. He watched as the new mother stared at the baby, to busy in her own thoughts. 

"have you decided on a name yet?" Deidra looked up at the man, his smile was contagious.

 Y/n nodded and made eye contact with keanu who stood in the doorway.

 "Aurora" she said simply and the baby giggled as if she agreed to the name. " That's a beautiful name for a beautiful little girl". 

Keanu walked over and took the baby into his arms, allowing the doctor to check over his wife properly. 

"ok you're perfectly fine. I would like to keep you in just for one more night and I will be happy to let you go home tomorrow" Dr monrow smiled before walking out. 

Keanu gave Aurora back to Deidra as he sat down next to her bed. 

"how are you doing?" keanu asked as he held onto Deidra's  hand. She continued to stare at Aurora as she thought about how close she had been to losing her daughters. 

"im ok actually." she smiled as she looked into her husband's eyes. 

Keanu leant forward as he placed a kiss onto Deidra's check.

"what happened to Samantha?" her voice was quiet as she asked the question. As much as she felt like she should hate the girl for what she did to her, she couldn't bring herself to.

"she was put into the psych ward for analysis. She's not safe to be left alone" Deidra sighed as she sat back. 

"if im honest, I felt sorry for the girl" keanu jaw dropped at the words his wife said. "what? She kidnapped you and our baby Deidra. She's mentally unstable. How could you feel sorry for someone like her?". 

Deidra looked at her husband with pity in her eyes. This was something she did, always taking pity on people.

 "she was broken, all she needed was some help. I mean she didn't hurt me in fact she took good care of me." keanu interrupted her with a sigh "sure, nearly let you bleed to death but ok". 

Deidra grabbed his arm and he looked into her eyes

"you know what i mean. I'm just happy she will finally get the help she needs". Keanu knew that Deidra had a good heart, always looking to find the good in people. "ok. Well she can get all the help she needs at the hospital. I'm just happy you two are alright. Isn't that right my little baby girl" his baby voice made Deidra laugh as he began to pull faces making Aurora laugh with glee. 

~

4 years later

Deidra stood in the kitchen as she watched Aurora play with her sandwich. "baby, don't play with your food" she smiled as her daughter looked up at her "yes mummy".

Deidra heard the doorbell ring and looked up as keanu walked over to the door. "I got it" his deep voice called out. 

After a moment, Keanu walked back into the kitchen with a small frown on his face. Deidra looked up at him and he stepped aside revealing samantha stood behind him. 

"hi" Deidra smiled, a little shocked at seeing the girl after so long and keanu moved to stand next to his wife. "hi- I - ummm im sorry im probably the last person you want to see".

Deidra moved forward to hug her. "no sweetie it's ok. Please sit. What are you doing here?" she asked as she sat opposite to Samantha. 

"I came to apologise to you first keanu im sorry. I took all my pent up father issues and became obsessed with you. You are so kind and everything I wanted in a father. I just didn't know how to act and so I became obsessive. im sorry" keanu took in the words and extended his hand to the girl. 

" I appreciate that Samantha. I really do" he smiled and samantha returned it. 

"and Deidra. Words are not enough for what i did to you. I will forever regret what I did" samantha let out a tear and Deidra rushed over to the girl. "its ok. I forgive you i really do. It seems like you have sorted out your life?" samantha nodded "yeah the hospital helped me realise all my issues and now i feel free. I no longer hold onto the past. I just look forward to the future now" deidra smiled knowing that she had finally gotten the help she needed. "I also have this to look forward to" samantha placed a picture onto the table. 

Deidra picked it up. "whats this?" she examined it for a few seconds before jumping excitedly. 

"you're pregnant? Congratulations." deidra hugged Samantha once again "if you need anything don't hesitate to ask".  Samantha shook her head. "no its ok. Umm that's another reason i came here. I'm moving to Germany with my boyfriend. You will no longer have to worry about me".  Deidra smiles as she accepted what the girl said. She introduced her to Aurora quickly before Samantha left. 

"I guess everything sorted itself out" keanu smiled as he hugged deidra from behind as they watched samantha drive off. Deidra just smiled as she realised how lucky she truly was.

The end

____

Taglist

@gwenebear @celestiaelisia @blondieee-me

[queer-starling]

Flower ask: also all of them. you get to suffer with me >:3€

oh darlin’ we’re in it now huh

Alisons: Sexuality?

homogay

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

she/they | all gender will be shot on sight

Amaryllis: Birthday?

sept 23rd

Anemone: Favorite flower?

monkshood

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?

stranger things or ghost adventures

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger?

like? distance? a couple miles probably

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?

“We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little lifeIs rounded with a sleep.” William Shakespeare, The Tempest

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?

wild cherry capri sun

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

ima change that to ‘kiss the last person u thought abt kissing’ bc YES

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

*jenna marbles voice* hell yeah!!

Baneberries: Favorite song?

waiting for the end - linkin park 

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

chaos

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it?

i have too many to list !!! brandi, kasey, you, liz, ivy, nick , just to name a few!!

Begonia: Favorite color?

blue uwu

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

foxes !! and opossums

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

night time babey

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

either a fox or an opossum or a raven, i think

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

i wanted to be a vet !!!

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

theyre ok as long as theyre not screaming and/or mine

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

i don’t liike vomit bc. nastey (trauma i think) and i don’t like old ppl well. i dunno why? they’re just so old and fragile and helpless and sometimes they’re really mean and idk i think it’s like something to do w death or something LMAO idk. also i just hate the idea of becoming old and having to rely on other people ?? hhh

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

i was bullied a lot

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?  

realistically? probably playing dead by daylight with my girlfriend ADFSGRHYUTR

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

happily taken 

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

ireland, scotland, alaska, greece

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

whenever my friends or family tells me they love me but esp when u text me goodmorning or when we say our goodnights sorry im gay haha

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?  

i have. uuuuhh 6

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?  

no!!! i want some tho :(

California Poppy: Height?  

i think im like. 5′5 or something? give or take an inch ?

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

oh absolutely. my house is haunted as we speak

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?  

bmth hoodie and pajama pants w foxes all over them. i just woke up lol

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

yeah i always keep one on in the bathroom

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?  

my sister bc she came home from college yesterday

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?

ask me in like. a little over a month from now ;)

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

FONT??? the animal crossing font

Columbine: Are you tired?

oh absolutely

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

thanksgiving, christmas, seeing my gf, magfest

Coneflower: Dream job?

idk if it’s a job but i just wanna own like. a ranch that takes in all sorts of animals and takes care of them

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?

introvert 

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?

ooooh yeah

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

i mean. depends on what they want/need. distance wise? i’d travel the known universe for u  

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

he was a plaid teddy bear his name was Stanley!!!! i miss him :( but now i have Little Moon God as my favourite stuffed animal 

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

Libro

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

Working in Yellowstone is something I’ll never forget

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

well. hmm. i was gonna say flying to yellowstone but maybe driving to north carolina by myself bc driving long distances alone to places i haven’t been before gives me hella anxiety (i’m better now)

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)? 

i don’t pay rent in this house to listen to their opinions lmao. 

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

you, i think, when we said goodnight last night!!! EDIT: you this morning!!

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?

being bad at dead by daylight

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

dead by daylight

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?

(little over a month now but uhhh) GOT A UH ......GIRL.....FRIEND ...... GOT TO VISIT GIRLFRIEND ........ and got the windshield finally replaced in my car 

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

i dont know! so far ive laid in bed now im at my computer answering this. not too bad. my shift is only 4 hours today. 

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

for the most part, i’m pretty content, yeah

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

MOVE OUT 

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?

my friends, my mom, my sisters, my girlfriend, my bastard dog

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?

metal   

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

what does this mean. physically, i’m very affectionate, i just. don’t show it alot bc anxiety/i overthink. that and i constantly tell ppl i love them and what they mean to me 

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

whoever is reading this

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

wake up next 2 a cute girl. take way too long to get up. go climb mountain w cute girl. vibe on mountain w cute girl. go to waffle house 2gether. gome home and vibe. play video games or watch a movies/tv w cute girl.  

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?  

i like to make art or play bideo jame

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

oh gosh i dunno. the ones i’ve known the longest are kasey and brandi, and i’ve known them both around/over a decade i think. we met in middle/highschool!

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

you, ivy, liz

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

so many 

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

idk man but i remember when you said u had a crush on me and then i posted a selfie and u were like ‘OH NO SHE’S CUTE” and like ??? idk i think that was definitely the first compliment to ever shock me LMAO 

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

6.9/10

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

my tattoos

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself? 

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGGViLwHEUk

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

i liked to play zombies ate my neighbors on the sega genesis !!!!

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

eliza !!!! we lost touch a few years after i moved away :(

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

ima be real everything makes me feel guilty

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?  

aaaaaa the whole abi/moon incident 

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

my name is fox. it means i like foxes

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

northern virginia babey !!!! that place fucking sucks!!! but everyone who lives up there thinks they’re hot shit. 

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

i had a bunkbed and i think the walls were pink 

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?  

😬 i’m just gonna say i’m much happier now and i’m coping with life and shit a lot better  

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

she’s sweet and funny and i love her so much!! she always does the Most for everyone, sometimes to the point where she isn’t concerned abt herself and i see where i get it from. but yeah my mom is great, my dad doesn’t deserve her 

Onions: Tell about your dad.  

source of a lot of trauma and why i have so many issues regarding men. i don’t wanna talk about him anymore LOL he doesn’t deserve the attention

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

my dad’s mom is becoming senile and i think she’s racist and queerphobic. my mom’s parents disowned her a few years ago so we don’t talk to them anymore 

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

i dunno. i don’t try to remember my birthdays. whenever i can go to busch gardens for my birthday i usually have a lot of fun there. 

Peony: What was your first job?

if you don’t wanna count working w my mom as a florist, target was my first job back in 2016. i found my name tag the other day , actually

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

WELL, i know you followed me on here first. and then twitter?? but we didn’t really start talking until stranger things 3 came out (thank u stranger things) PHYSICALLY, we didn’t meet until fursonacon (haha. i remember when u texted me that u got to the hotel and i came down to help n i saw u unloading yr car and it was then that my brain was like OH NOOOOOOOO and my heart was like OH YEEEEAAAAAAAH) 

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

physical, mental, or emotional? i play a video game or listen to loud music

Pink: Where is home?[

somewhere in appalachia i can feel it in my stupid soul 

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change? 

idk man i’m pretty content w where i’m at now so 

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

chester bennington 

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

i have a waife and we have many great pets and we live in a log cabin in the mountains or in a nice victorian in a small town or something IDK but we’re happy and that’s all that matters 

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

God

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

my mom, me best friends, my girlfriend

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

my girlfriend’s laugh because it’s THE cutest shit and then when she giggles??? oh my heart 

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

oct 23rd, 2005, we brought Fat Boy Zack home !!!!

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

July 22nd, 2016. i was 2200 miles away

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?  

to be holding my girlfriend >:(

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

hhhhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

those i hold dear

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

enough, i guess? 

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

my girlfriend

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

it’s fucking BORING and TOO EASY and they don’t pay me ENOUGH but i can get away with so much shit there so ima still go, ima still go 

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

all of the flannels currently in my possession

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.  

mountains, woods, forests, cabins, autumn, cryptic, occult, victorian, edwardian

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

if someone gets me a gift i’m legally required to execute them

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

this 40hr workweek i got coming up 

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

i have not read in So Long

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

Moved out away from here lol, we’ll see

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?

:/

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

i’m a furry

that was SO LONG im sorry i also put you through that but THANK YOU ENJOY READING ILU

[mithliya]

i don’t think ive talked about this publicly but the shit my ex girlfriend did & put me through really fucked with my head and worsened my already existing trauma. i wasted a year of my life giving my all and doing everything for this woman, only to find out she was lying to me, manipulating me, and being abusive towards me. everyone could see it and would tell me and even i thought to myself several times that the way she’s treating me isn’t ok and that there’s something off about the entire situation. and instead of listening to my own head, i repeated what ive been told by her and so many others in my life: that im crazy, im just splitting, im being dramatic, im imagining it, it’s my fault, etc. and she was encouraging those beliefs, she’d deny doing & saying things that i KNOW she did & said. she’d turn it on me and make me feel bad whenever i tried to address something she did. she’d use emotional manipulation whenever i got close to uncovering her lies. i didn’t accept or come to terms with how abusive she was to me until after we broke up. i thought after the shit that happened when i was raped that ive become careful and learned to avoid abusive people who use me but i havent. and now, over 2 months since we broke up, im still having nightmares about her and crying on a daily basis. i mostly feel weak and so stupid because i know all that she’s done doesn’t even compare to what ive already been through, i know that i should’ve known better, but i can’t make the pain she’s caused me stop.

[legion1993]

3 little words: i Love You

A/n: this is for @thisismysecrethappyplace for her challenge! *sorry this took so long girl! but here it is... im so sorry i hope this fits with all the prompts and details. hope you enjoy it.

pairing: Barry Allen x Female!reader

reader’s personal sitch: bullied by family “friends” co workers

male main is: overprotective

sitch between mains: love letters

dialogue (quote): “i was just kinda hoping that you’d… y’know… fall in love with me…”

summery: its a surprise….

masterlist

this is how your life changed, it went from one of daily turmoil and unpleasentries to one where you received your happily ever after.  this is how it happened, this is how you discovered how much your best friend really cared about you. 

your daily routine included: 

waiting 10 minutes before getting out of bed to make sure your eyes were working first. 

after getting out of bed, going to the bathroom doing your hair and smiling at yourself in the mirror. 

then going to select your outfit, something comfortable yet pleasent on the eyes. 

once that was done, do some of your daily mobile game stuff. 

then walking out the door with your bag, shoes and sometimes a jacket.

then walking to work, of course with your music rocking away in your ears, you of course had already called Jitters coffee house placing the order for your morning coffee and of course your breakfast sandwich.

stopping in and picking it up, chatting a bit with the usual barista or whoever happened to be working at that particular time.

walking out of there carefully continuing your strut all the way to the CCPD, where for about 8 months now you had faithfully fulfilled the role of CSI, while your best friend Barry Allen was in acoma after being struck by lightning. 

your only wish was to have your best friend/overprotective partner in crime solving back by your side cause without him there, work was hell for you. 

for you were bullied and teased by pretty much everyone you worked with, everyone only bullied you if the captain or Barry or iris or Joe weren’t around.  this time none of them were around, instead you were teased as soon as you walked into the station, you practically had to run through the police station, up the stairs to your’s and Barry’s lab. 

you got in there placing the coffee and your sandwich on the nearby table you fell to the ground in tears…  all you could do was wish that Barry was there, but it was getting easier to do this day by day, just involved alot of crying and lots of alcohol. 

YN (to self): “Barry come back to me, please i need you!”

all you did was repeat that over and over… but someone else happened to stumble upon your little crying session… for now it was Iris West who happened to walk in your lab slowly….

thats of course when she heard what you were saying more clearly…

Iris: “YN…”

your head turned towards the friendly, familiar voice this made you come out of your on the floor stupper, get up and run into her familiar embrace. when she pulled back she started crying with a smile on her face. 

YN: “Iris, i know why i’m crying but why are you crying?”

Iris: “it’s Barry, he’s awake!”

YN: “he is… when? for how long? how? is he okay? Where?”

Iris: “he is fine, he is at Star Labs still they are just making sure he is healthy before they let him come home. Barry wanted me to tell you that he will be back soon. now want some company while you start your work?”

YN: “i wouldnt mind, it would keep the other noses out of where they don’t belong.”

Iris: “people still giving you a hard time?”

You just nodded you couldnt even form words about it, see what had been happening was you were always seen as the burden, the over bearing know it all, seen as the one thing stopping everyone around you from being able to live their lives… 

but when you started working at the CCPD after Barry fell into acoma your only thought was doing your job, however certain of Central city’s finest didnt think you had any business at all digging your nose into the cases as CCPD’s newest CSI… 

it was always worse, like going to school with Barry people would tease you and him, teasing you guys by saying that you guys looked closer than friends… well as much as that would be a nice thought you were just grateful once you and Barry graduated high school. 

but in the back of your mind, the only part of those memories that really stuck with you were the ones that included every single time Barry would drag you away from those bullies, everyone around you guys, sometimes it was almost like he was over protective of you. 

Barry a few times got his ass kicked just because he tried to avenge your feelings, because he was the only one who was able to see through your facade, he could see that all the teasing and bullying was tearing you apart…

But nothing else was said apart from the new kind of glow about you, Iris of course was thrilled, but she could see that all the pain and sorrow you had been surrounded with when she walked in the lab had all gone away. 

your main focus right then was on the fact that Barry was awake and alive and coming back soon. 

Iris: “so what case are you working on?”

YN: “something brand new the Captain texted me that he was gonna leave samples of stuff on my desk… in a box…”

you pick up the box of evidence and smile. now you were in happy-ish work mode. 

with your new outlook nothing could bring you down, well none except for them… in the ccpd there was a pair of men, they were the same jerks from when you and Barry were in high school. every single morning they walked well more like strided into your lab and began to bug you. 

bully 1: “hey YN what do you call a lab coat with stains?“ 

bully 2: "oh look its not a lab coat its a bitch thinking she can survive in a world where she does not belong.”

Bully 1: “and look she has a friend with her… i guess its a two for one special today…”

Bully 2: “which one do you want?”

Iris came closer to you, grabbing the mop where you grabbed the broom… 

Iris: “stay back or we will make you stay back…”

Bully 1: “well then make us… little bitches.”

those bullies just stood there and didnt move or anything but the second they started laughing both you and Iris set down the mop and the broom which in turn led to both you ladies walking up to those bullies and kicking them in the balls. then running off to talk to Captain Singh. 

when you and Iris got to the stair case like 2 hallways away from the lab, Iris spotted her father and figured she would let you talk to captain singh alone. 

Iris: “ill catch you later YN!”

Iris said once both you and her got down the stairs, it was your job to get into singhs office and tell him about the bullying that was going on within the precinct walls. 

you approached his door and knocked before opening. 

YN: “captain…”

Singh: “YN,  shut the door & come in please have a seat…”

you closed the door walking over to the chair to sit down… 

YN: “as you know since starting here i have developed a routine of mostly keeping to my work, or staying close to iris or joe or even you… well thats because alot of the precinct bullies and teases me… i mean lots of people do  but the precinct does because of Barry… they think i only took a job here cause i wanted to be close to him.. thats not it at all… i love my job, its in fact one of the only jobs where i have people to shield me from the teasing and the bullying… captain i know that you havent heard about this breakthrough news yet, not many people know about it but Iris was here this morning she told me that Barry is awake and coming back soon! the people looking after him just want to run a few more tests on him to make sure he is healthy before they release him.”

singh: “well we will be pleased and honored to have Mr. Allen back at his post and i’ll be counting on you to show barry the new protocols and things. but as to the bullying issue, i’ll make a formal announcement to the entire precinct to promote the new anti bullying law… henceforth, anyone found guilty of bullying another officer or member of the ccpd shall immediately be stripped of their rank, gun, badge and be discharged… how does that sound?”

You nod your head now having the thought of Barry, Barry how the hell would he react to hearing that since he got struck by lightning you fell prey to the bullying going on under the nose of the captain. 

Singh: “shall we go make this announcement to the entire precinct and after wards i’ll personally escort you back to your lab.”

YN: “thank you captain!”

you and singh walk out of his office, no one dared to touch you nor say anything cause of course you were walking to the staircase with the captain. at the top of the staircase you and Singh turned to face the rest of the precinct. 

Singh: “attention everyone, its come to my attention very recently that there has been bullying happening within the walls of my precinct. THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE… henceforth anyone caught bullying another member of this precinct shall be stripped of their badge, their gun and be discharged from service to the CCPD. i want everyone to take note and report directly to me if there is any known bullying activity happening, names and badge numbers when you report it in. is that clear?”

everyone below agreed, then Singh turned away from you leading you back to your lab… 

Singh: “YN, i hope you know that no one will ever be able to take your position away from you… when Barry returns we will make sure to install key card access for your guys safety… but i’ll let you go back to work, and i’ll even let you take off early today. i’m sure you probably want to stop by and see Barry… or go back to your apartment and prepare to bring him home.”

at that moment before you could even say anything your phone started buzzing, it was a video chat request from Barry.. your face lit up, you turned your phone to show the captain, who bowed out gracefully. 

you went to sit at the desk full of boxes as you answered the call… 

YN: “Barry…”

Barry: “YN, looks like you are having fun!”

YN: “your ok… ive been so worried!”

Barry could just chuckle watching as you show him a huge stack of papers. 

Barry: “your worried, ive been worried. your surrounded by people who will stop at nothing to bully and torment you, who will stop at nothing but to make your life miserable. i just hope that you are gonna be able to survive till i can come back.”

YN: “when is that by the way? Iris said it would be a few days… please tell me it will be sooner than that.”

Barry: “ill be out as soon as i can! but tell me is the apartment still in tack… anyone else giving you a hard time?”

you turned your eyes towards the papers and instantly Barry knew that something was wrong… 

Barry: “is it the same idiots from high school.?”

thats when you broke down… you started crying… Barry’s only regret was that he couldnt be there to comfort you.

Barry: “as soon as i get out of this doctor office, i’ll come and i’ll save you. i promise!”

YN (sobbing): “i hope i’ll survive, the captain knows ive been getting bullied. i just hope that you are gonna be out of there soon! i really miss my roommate/best friend!”

Barry: “i miss you too… i know its been a rough few months, i also know you spent quite a few nights here right beside me, so thank you… it helped me to sub consciously keep fighting cause i knew i had something precious to come back too…”

YN: “please come back soon. i can’t express into enough words how much i miss having you around. this lab is too big for just one person. besides this work would go alot faster with another person.”

Barry laughed hearing you try to sweet talk him into coming back early. 

Barry: “well what are you working on now? cataloging or closing?”

YN: “cataloging, and its annoying cause Singh won’t ease up on how much work he is giving me… i have currently several boxes full of different cases, but alot of these have the csi listed as you, are signed with your signature, i haven’t been able to think about anything else since you got struck by lightning, i have forgotten to clean the apartment most days so now i’ve hired a maid service for us, for our apartment, i know there is nothing else i can possibly say right now that will make you come back any faster but i will say this, when you get back there will be alot of hugs & lots of dancing in the rain. like we did the night of our high school graduation.”

Barry: “lots of dancing in the rain definately. but i gotta go unfortunately the doctor wants to run more tests… physical tests but i’ll be out soon and then i’ll give you the biggest hug ever.”

You blew a kiss into the phone and watched the screen go black. the call ended, the overwhelming sense of happiness that you were feeling at that moment, was a lot better than what you had been feeling when you had been by yourself this morning. 

you finished cataloging 3 more files of paper and then made the effort to go check in with the captain before you left for the day. it was twilight when you left the station. 

of course you had taken your time with cataloging you might have even cataloged a bit more than you had hoped to do, but there was no shortage of good thoughts on your mind. 

now there had been alot of things on your mind before hand, you had so much more on your mind now. Barry was gonna be so surprised when he got back home. of course however when Barry would finally come home would be the first time in forever that you might actually want to tell him of your feelings or vise versa. 

you stopped to pick up some dinner but you couldnt keep your mind off the fact that Barry would soon be back by your side where he belonged.

meanwhile at star labs…

Barry: “how many more tests do we have to run? honestly i got a life to get back too.”

Caitlin: “you will be allowed to leave as soon as you perfect your control of your super speed. which if you complete this next simulation, you will hopefully have full control and be back home by tomorrow morning.”

Barry: “ugh, i have a girl that ive been in love with since we were in school together and i can’t survive the rest of my life, if i never have the courage to tell her how i really feel. look she has been bullied since we were in high school by these 2 idiots who now work in the ccpd. i hate the thought of her facing each day working with those 2 goons.”

Caitlin could only do so much more, so after 4 more hours of testing Barry’s abilities and vitals she realized that no matter what test she put him through, within those 4 hours he worked even harder and gained serious amounts of control over his abilities. 

Caitlin: “we are just about ready to send you home but there is something else that we would like you to do, we think you should become a hero…”

Barry: “i’ll think about it now can i please…”

thats when the star labs alarm went off… heading to the cortex, barry and caitlin met up with wells and cisco to find out the cause of the alarm. on the monitor it showed a dark barely lit alley with what looked to be a woman leaning scared against the wall with about 6 guys. 

Cisco: “im just about to pull up the audio footage…”

as soon as cisco pulled up the audio Barry took off in a black hoodie and red lightning.

in the alley

YN: “stay back leave me alone, one push of a button and this alley would be swarming with cops.”

attacker 1: “well then do it, it will make this more of a party…”

Attacker 3: “let see what she is wearing under neath that coat!”

but it was like a blur, a red, yellow blur of lightning a figure knocking away those goons before they could  surround you anymore. but you hadnt time to thank this blur before he disappeared…  for the rest of your walk home, there wasnt any noise that you heard on that walk home that didn’t make you shake…

quarter way from your apartment

it wasn’t till you arrived on the home stretch that a familiar shadow was sitting on the steps of your building’s entry way. 

Barry: “hey…”

Your brain didnt register the voice at first till their form stood and moved towards you, forcing you to stop dead in your tracks… your body already quivering, made your knees buckle from beneath you right then and there you dropped to your knees in fear… 

Barry having seen this, knowing what you went through knowing also that he couldnt say anything about what happened nor him saving you. but instead only walked a bit more till he was half visible in the street light.

you hadn’t stopped watching his form but yet still now standing right there, now under the street light your eyes now registered the voice to the figure now standing a few feet away.

YN: “Barry…”

you got up off the ground immediately and ran straight for his embrace, realizing that you were now starting to spout tears of joy…

Barry: “shh shh its okay…”

YN: “your home... but i thought...”

Barry: “they let me go early... so i got a taxi here and ive been waiting here for you to come home ever since...”

you pulled back to look at him and then went to the front door and opened it, letting both of you inside... Barry & you didn’t stop starring at eachother the entire way inside, it was nerve wrecking for both of you...

once in the apartment you had to turn away from Barry for a moment ashamed of the strewn case files everywhere.. 

Barry: “its like i never left... case files everywhere, take out on the counter.. dishes on the drying mat... let me guess the bed isnt made and the laundry is waiting to be folded...”

YN: “is it that obvious...”

Barry nodded but instantly went to work, putting trash in the trash and dishes in the cupboard... it really was like he never left... you removed your coat and your heels taking a sigh of relief... then going over to a small gift box with every single letter you had written for Barry since he had got struck by lightning.

Barry: “what ya got there...”

you brought the box over to Barry and handed it to him... 

YN: “i wrote you a letter one for every single day you were gone... they contain my thoughts, feelings, and wishes... also they tell you what happened while you were well in coma... just keep an open mind when you read them... im gonna go put on a face mask and get into something less work related... then maybe you can help me sort through these case files.”

Barry: “of course... i cant even imagine what kind of torment you went through when i was gone...”

You instantlly thought about what happened many numerous times, being sexualized and bullied and teased and pushed around. it didnt make being without barry easy but all you could do was tough it up... 

YN: “it was torture... and today wasnt much better i was chased and cornered in an alley on the way home, i was almost raped...”

you say as your walking towards the bedroom, upon hearing this though barry follows in suit, bringing his laundry bag and places it in the pile by the door. your sitting on the bed when he finally catches up to you. 

Barry: “what do you mean you almost got raped tonight?”

YN: “i mean i was walking home and i almost got raped in an alley a couple blocks away... but a red lightning blur saved me... i was able to escape... but im shaken beyond belief.”

Barry: “you are gonna be okay, now just relax... im not going anywhere...”

Barry got out of his sweater and took off his socks coming up behind you, he pulls you into his embrace and you sob uncontrollably against his chest, knowing that now he was home and you could finally rest easy.

both you and Barry now relaxing into a calm environment Barry looks at the box that he had put on his side of the bed... the box with all the letters you had written him... so with his free hand he opens the box, and begins to read the first letter...

YN (letter 1): “Barry, its been literally 24 hours since you got struck by lightning... i’m slowly getting into a different routine... one that right now till you wake up or even if you wake up.. ugh barry there are alot of things i wish i could have had the courage to tell you before but i guess telling you like this is better than not telling you at all... i love you Barry Allen... those bullies in school and at the precinct they were right to call us bf/gf... i know that you probably won’t feel the same but i hope this also doesn’t change our friendship... i really miss you... oh ya i did say precinct, Singh gave me a job as temp csi... just until we know more about whether or not you wake up...i hope you wake up soon... its gonna be torture without you around. love YN.”

Barry set that one aside to open the next one... 

YN (letter 2): “Barry, i cant take this... today i started a filing system of all the case files and stuff. i was handed a bunch of boxes and things today... of old cases and forensics that you had aparently signed off on... i still haven’t brought myself the courage to come see you yet... i know it may be foolish but i know if i come by i’ll cry. i cant do that... i’ve cried enough to last a life time between all the bullying and you being comatose, im trying to find a safe haven in anything familiar. anyway hope you come home soon. love YN.”

thats when Barry decided to stop reading for the night... he closed the box and put it on his nightstand. cuddling up still holding you he too fell into a deep slumber.

the next morning 

he woke as you did to the sound of an obnoxious buzzing, you knew it was your phone and thus moved to grab it off your nightstand, you answered it putting it on speaker.

YN: “yeah...”

Singh: “there is a case its fresh, and ripe still can you come down?”

YN: “yeah i can text me the address.”

thats when you hung up the call, knowing that your own demise would be showing up to work knowing that barry was home and not there with you... now Barry having heard your conversation  with singh got up and started getting into a clean shirt and packing his csi bag as well as yours. 

YN: “Barry what are you doing?”

Barry: “whats it look like.... im coming with you...”

You got up going behind the changing cover grabbing your capris and your fave halter with the built in bra...

YN: “dont you want to take it easy? i mean you only just spent your first night back last night...”

Barry: “when have you ever known me to take it easy?”

You stopped for a moment amidst putting on your shirt...

YN: “never... but thats not the point  you should relax...”

Barry: “no what i need to do is come with you and show those bullies that you are not to be messed with...”

you were grateful to barry for that, but you still were concerned... you finished getting dressed and came out from the cover going over to Barry giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

YN: “thank you for being so concerned for me... ill be ready to go in a few minutes...”

you went into the bathroom and started on your hair, like normal Barry came in behind you after you finished brushing the hair, Barry began to braid your hair, for he knew it was difficult with such long hair to self braid, so for as long as you could remember.

Barry: “almost ready to go?”

you pulled out your phone and opened the jitters app and this time ordered 2 cappuccinos with extra whip & Chocolate drizzle... you knew the order would be ready by the time you guys got there...

you put on your shoes and smiled wide as arm in arm you exited the apartment with Barry. it made you feel normal once more. walking down the street towards jitters, Barry walking in stride with you inside jitters everyone there was impressed. they started clapping. 

the waitress handed you and Barry the cappuccinos and that when your phone dinged it was Singh with the address. you showed it to Barry who walked ahead of you to open the door of Jitters and walk out the door with you.

Barry: “lets go and see this crime scene... its just up the block...”

approaching the crime scene, you and Barry flashed your badges. officers starred at you guys, some of them clapped and welcomed Barry back...

Singh: “so this is your daily surprise! welcome back Barry!”

Barry: “than you Captain... for also looking after YN while i was gone... i know i have alot to make up for but i hope i can start by helping sweep the area for clues.”

Singh: “well then ill leave my 2 best csi’s to their jobs and ill expet a detailed report on your findings...”

you and barry nod, beginning to survey the scene. you went after prints and a few other things. Barry took photos of the scene, there was alot of blood and torn off limbs. 

YN: “whatever did this must have enjoyed themselves?”

Barry: “must have but wha...”

Barry kneels down and sighs...

Barry: “YN come here and bring gloves with sample collectors.”

you brought over the gloves and sample collectors, but saw the horror before your eyes at what appeared to be shedded skin. you and Barry decided to contain as much of it as possible, for testing and further investigation.

YN: “it looks like someone shed this like a snake...”

Barry: “it does but lets collect all the other evidence and head to the lab, we need to start on this ASAP!”

YN: “i cant wait to start this with you... i look forward to it. lets go... wait till you see the new filing system that ive done with the lab...”

Barry smiles walking back and grabbing both of your bags and walking back to you grabbing both your pairs of gloves and throwing them in the trash both yo and barry get a heroes escort back to the station. 

walking inside you felt safe, those bullies who had bullied you day in and day out didnt dare to bother you then for it became immediately clear that they wouldnt be able to touch you.

you led Barry up the stairs to the lab so familiar to both of you now. it was Barry who spoke about how the lab looked.

Barry: “i assume that you made these organizational changes cause it would be easier for us!”

YN: “yep, is that ok?”

Barry: “yep, now lets start the analysis!”

you and barry working together analyzing evidence something you had only dreamed about for the passed 9 months. but something didnt seem right, something seemed off... 

you went over to the computer while barry was getting lunch and accessed the street cam from the alley where you were attacked, you cut the clip of who or whatever saved you but something was off, you didnt know what...

Barry came back with food and saw you looking at the blur photo, he then realized that if something wasnt said soon, you were gonna probably never believe him... 

this however is when things fell apart... the entire lab went dark, Barry tripped over a chair dropping your shared lunch, then a figure with a slight glow about them appeared behind you and whisked you out of the lab with you screaming and kicking but it didnt do any good. 

this left Barry very distraught, this was what he was afraid of...  he used his speed to leave out of the fire escape and ran to star labs.

Barry: “you guys think i should be a hero well here is my chance to find out if i can be one... my friend, the one i spoke to on the phone, the one that i saved from being raped in that alley, the one that wrote me a letter for every single day i was in acoma, the one who in her first letter admitted she loved me, she just got kidnapped from our work, from our office, i need to get her back...”

Cisco:  “i have just the thing that you can use to conceal your identity to save your girl.”

cisco pressed a button and revealed a red suit with a lightning bolt logo. 

Cisco: “it will not burn nor crisp, it will move with you and allow your electrical current through your body, as well as communicate with us here, and it will also..”

Caitlyn: “it will also allow us to monitor your vitals and health in battle, as well as it gives us the ability to shock resuscitate you should anything happen to knock you unconscious.”

Wells: “we will be right here if you need us mr allen. Now Run Barry Run!”

Barry runs in a flash of red and yellow lightning to the suit and back out the door. Cisco pinged your location sending it to Barry, who runs faster finding that he can’t help but feel somewhat responsible for this.

Barry: “hold on YN im coming.”

meanwhile

in an abandoned werehouse near the docks you were being dangled by a chain over a big cylinder of some sort of stinky liquid. one of the bullies from the precinct was standing above you he was glowing, then he stepped into the light.

YN: “you killed those people, you shedded your skin... what the hell do you want?”

Carl: “well thats simple, i want to mate... see did you know that a reptile needs to mate every spring and sometimes its with their own offspring... well your not my offspring but you will do for the mating ritual, just have to make you like me first.”

you screamed as he dove toward you and shredded your capri’s and then dove into the stinky liquid below. you were horrified you tried to climb the chain but it didnt work, it was about 10 minutes later when the bully Carl came out of the liquid. 

Carl walked off the platform and over to the control panel he swings the chain probably making himself hard on hearing you scream, but that was also the moment when he grabbed you mid swing and pinned you to the platform.

at that moment something else came onto the werehouse property... or rather someone, someone who just so happened to hear you scream...

Flash: “hey lizard breath let her go...”

Carl: “why should i take orders from a man dressed in spandex?”

Flash: “first, of all its leather and second, thats not how you treat a lady.”

carl  just went back to roaming his hands along your body and all Barry could see was red, he took a risk and ran up the ladder and bowled into carl, though doing that caused you to go flying.

the chain came loose you were starting to slowly descend towards the liquid below. this cause another scream to leave your mouth, Barry upon hearing this takes a running leap of faith, catching you mid air he lands by the entrance holding you in his arms. 

Flash: “are you alright?”

YN: “i knew you would come for me... yes im okay... a little disoriented but am okay... but find him, he cannot be allowed to escape justice.”

Flash: “dont worry he wont...”

flash sets you down on your feet and speeds back inside, you hear a couple distorted grunts and then a woosh comes passed you. suddenly the same blur that saved you from the alley way the other night was now standing right in front of you.

Flash: “ive sent a anonymous call to the ccpd, they are dispatching some officeers to collect him when they do they will take him to Belle Reeve cause clearly he needs psychological and physical attention. but ccpd will be here soon, is there some place i can take you?”

YN: “i left my stuff in my lab back at ccpd, there is a fire exit at the back of the building, you can get in through there, its on the second floor. plus my csi partner and best friend will be worried about me, he is a little over protective, you know he has that over protective demenor that just makes me swoon whenever he is around. i’m so sorry you probably dont want to hear about this.”

Flash: “its okay, i kinda know how you feel, but lets get you back to your lab... can i carry you?”

You nod your head feeling strange but yet it didnt occur to yoou till your vision started to blur... Barry noticed it right away his visible features flooding with concern.

Flash: “hold on, miss, miss...”

Barry ran all the way to Central City General, where he proceeded to run you inside placing you in the care of some nurses he carefully but yet a bit quickly explained what happened. you had your ID in your shirt and you happened to still have your badge around your neck... 

they knew exactly who you were... the nurses took charge of you, Barry however left his ccell number with them as an emergency contact for her... he then went and ran back to star labs where he dropped off the suit and ran back to ccpd...

Singh walked in to find Barry lying on the floor unconcious... Barry having only been like that a few moments woke up slowly to singh shaking him gently...

Barry: “captain YN was taken it was carl and...”

Singh: “we know we have carl in custody who keeps raving on about a red and yellow blur rescuing YN...”

thats of course when Barry’s phone rang... 

Barry: “Barry Allen...”

Nurse 1: “Mr Allen My Name is Niomi, i am calling from Centra City General in regards to a YN YLN she was brought in by a guy in a red leather suit anyway she has been tested for a positive for snake venom... we are working on a cure, but can you come down?”

Barry having heard this, his face swarmed with panic flooding his initial facials... 

Barry: “oh god ill be there as quickly as i can... does she need anything?”

Niomi: “we got her a change of clothes from the gift shop on the house, but we do need to see her medical card and verify a few things... but mostly i think she would love it if you were here.”

Barry: “ill be there soon, my police captain is coming as well. thank you.”

Barry and Singh were out the door  faster than a speeding bullet, Singh used the siren to bypass all the evening traffic, arriving at the hospital they parked and ran inside. 

Naiomi instantly recognized the worried look on Barry’s face.

Naomi: “you must be barry...”

Barry: “where is she? ill verify anything that needs, ill sign whatever needs just let me see her please...”

Singh placed a hand on Barry’s shoulder and smiled lightly...

Singh: “ill verify and sign papers and information for YN, Barry you should be at her side...”

Barry: “thank you captain.”

Singh walks up to the desk, while Barry is led by Naomi to the room where you were solely placed. Barry’s expression was written clear on his face, he was seeing you the way you had probably seen him when he fell into coma. 

Barry: “please tell me what you guys can do to fix this?”

Naomi: “We are mixing more of the cure as we speak, the cdc is set up here already we had a few other cases like YN so we have been manufacturing it all day... its only a few hours away from being done. not to worry Barry, we willl do everything in our power to cure her, so you can tell her you love her..”

Barry looked at Naomi shocked...

Barry: “how did you...?”

Naomi: “simple ive seen enough people with pent up feelings of love to know the look when i see it... believe me mr Allen she is gonna be fine.”

Barry: “am i allowed to crawl into the bed and cuddle her in my lap, i wont knock out any of the cords i just want to hold her...”

Naomi: “come remove your shoes and place them on the chair with your coat and bag, ill help you get comfortable holding her so we can still have access to her IV for administering the cure.”

Barry did as asked, crawling into the bed holding you as he did, Naomi placed a blanket over both of you and turned the light on low. she left the room, Barry placed his phone on the table beside the bed. 

Barry: “im so sorry YN... i should have used my abilities, you shouldnt have been taken, not when i know i could have saved you. come on YN wake up, baby...”

Barry was lost in holding you close that he soon lost track of time, for a few short hours had passed before Naomi came into the room, Barry looked up his eyes blood shot from his having been crying. Naomi walked over to the IV Bag and replaced the bag and nodded at Barry whose eyes lit up.

Barry: “thats the...”

Naomi: “yes thats the cure. we will know if it worked within a few hours, try to get some rest Barry, when she wakes she will tell you i’m sure.”

Barry watched Naomi leave the room and gently leaned down to kiss your forehead...

Barry: “please come back to me, i love you...”

Barry knew how to tell if you were awake, he leaned the bed back almost all the way before he allowed sleep to over take him. it had once more been several hours before Barry was felt you move in his arms. 

you had been awake for a little bit but didnt move till now cause you wanted to enjoy being in Barry’s grasp.

Barry: “your awake!”

YN: “shhh not so loud, ive got a bit of a headache.”

Barry kissed your forehead gently and you stayed in his arm till you moved slightly and felt the iv start to sting... Barry helped you press the call button and Naomi came in...

Naomi: “YN glad to see your awake, i’m Naomi ive been looking after you. what can i do for you?”

YN: “im pretty sure the iv isnt supposed to be stinging is it?”

Naomi comes over to take a look...

Naomi: “it got a little out of place not to worry ill take care of that... you both can continue your little conversation...”

Barry and you watched Naomi fix your iv and put a new bag on before she left, you had been able to tell for a while now that Barry had something to tell you...

YN: “spill Barry... what is it that you want to tell me?”

Barry: “what do you remember about what happened to you?”

you had to think about it while leaning your head closer to Barry’s chest, the flashes of last nights events came rushing back at you.

YN: “carl was the shedding monster, he scratched me, he tried to rape me... Barry it was awful...”

Barry: “anything else..?”

YN: “yes there was a man, in red, with lightning speed, he saved me before i could hit the acid or whatever was in that container. he had this look about him like he knew me... like he was somewhat protective of me... but of course no where near as protective as you are Barry. why do you ask?”

Barry: “what if i told you that when i got struck by lightning it changed me...”

you looked up at Barry almost flooded with concern before you realized that ya it wouldnt surprise you if it did.

YN: “Barry any traumatic experience such as getting poisoned or getting struck by lightning changes a person drastically...”

Barry breathed in slightly before speaking again.

Barry: “what if i told you that getting struck by lightning it gave me abilities... ones that would allow me to lets say save you from getting raped in an alleyway, or from getting turned into snake woman...”

YN: “what if i said that i heard what you said last night...”

Barry: “you heard me say what...”

YN: “that you should have used your abilities, that i shouldnt have been taken, i heard you call me baby, i also heard you say 3 more words to me. but before we get into that... why wouldnt you have told me that you were the person who saved me right off the hop...”

Barry: “cause i didnt know if it would change how you felt about me. i read 2 of your letters the night i came home. i know how you feel about me... for many years YN ive stood by your side as your best friend and i always well, i was just kinda hoping that you’d... well ya know... fall in love with me...”

you smile and reach up with your not iv’d arm and cup Barry’s face... the glow in his eyes was only ever seen one other time before this moment by you, that was the night of your guys high school graduation where you both shared a drunken quiet moment in the school garden.

anyway long story short, Barry leaned into your touch and smiled.

Barry: “i love you YN...”

the kissing began quite quickly...

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🥀🖤NEW UPDATED BIO🖤🥀

🥀ιzzу21.i❤️&MissMySonAnthonyMartinez.RIP2KimberlyOlivarez,RIP2JeremyBaraz&IshmaelBaraz.RIPGrandpaHarold.RIPKeraAndrews. RIPJuanTorrez, RIPMamaLisa (One 0f My Foster Parents) RIPDad (Tortured/Abused Me In All Ways),RIPGrandmaSarah (My Mom's Mom) Biromantic-Asexual.Sтαуѕтяσηg.вαттℓєѕcαяz.GOD.TraumaSinceAge4TillJuly2018.Occuring24/7.BяσкєηNDamaged.RIP2Me.Surviver.Vocals&Creator@Br0k3nR0z3z.R3c0v3ry.i❤️M0M.i❤️PeteWentz&Tyler Joseph.Queen0fJupit3r.W3ird.Singer.Actor.Writ3r.2Caring.Ace8ItOut.🥀 UrNotAlone. I make movies,Music,freestyles,vlogs,shows,shortseries/films,I'm here4everyone. my solo musician project."Br0k3n R0z3z".All content on this channel owned by me. MyWattpad Ms_SweetInsanityyx (IWroteABook)

Lyf Beat [Search4 "Surviving My Mind_Tripp2iLL"]

[My Twenty One Pilots Clique Amino Profile: http://aminoapps.com/p/v2eot0

My Username: 🖤Izzy_Is_An_Angel_Too🖤]

💛💛🖤🖤🥀Hi I'm Izzy, Yes I AM A FEMALE THAT IS 10 MONTHS SOBER AND IS A BIROMANTIC ASEXUAL AND I DO NOT DATE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. Stay Alive. && Be You, Cuz Your A Somebody. x I'm Here To Change The World, The Universe, && I'm Here To Make A Difference, I wanna save, help, fix, care, be there, support everyone and everything. One Day At A Time, You Matter Your Important, You Have A Purpose, Your Enough, Your Worth It, Your Someone, Don't Let Anyone Dim Your Shine, Remember What Yo Fighting For, Thank You For Existing. I Know Rock Bottom, Hell & Back, Trauma, Pain && Darkness From Top To Bottom, Stay Alive. I Love Helping Others, I Don't Know Who The Hell I Am. But I Am Here. Spread Good Around, Not Evil. Take Care Of Yourselves.🥀🖤🖤💛💛

L0ADiiNG;

██████████████]99%

System Malfunction; Errors: Brain Possession, Sanity Loss, Mind Damage, Overthinking, Too High Maintenance, Loss Of One's Mind, and Killing Of OnesSelf Slowly.

ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•

ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡

࿇ ══━━━━✥◈✥━━━━══ ࿇

࿇ ══━━━━✥◈✥━━━━══ ࿇

ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•

ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡

WARNING: I help everyone and everything obsessively (I am there no matter what, I'm here to be there and help in any way, shape, or form possible. So if you need someone, you can contact me on my socials.)

My 1st Email: crowdgoeswild86@hotmail.com

My 2nd Email: daveycoverdale@gmail.com

🖤💛🥀Okay, let me tell y'all a lil bit about this channel, if you go to the home page of my channel.

━━━━▣━━◤◢━━▣━━━━━

━━━━▣━━◤◢━━▣━━━━━

━━━━▣━━◤◢━━▣━━━━━

Yᵒᵘ Oᶰˡʸ Lᶤᵛᵉ Oᶰᶜᵉ

τнänκ чöü♥

๖ۣۜǤнσsτ༻

《ℛιzε》

ℛɨᎮ昇

I'm Already Dead, So Leave Me Be, My Love

.•♫•♬•♬•♫•..•♫•♬•♬•♫•.

.•♫•♬•♬•♫•..•♫•♬•♬•♫•.

"Up All Night, Got No Shuteye

Sick Of Life, Bloodshot Skies

Don't Tell Me Good morning,

Don't Tell Me Good night"-Copyrighted By Me, I Own This Song. Just Get Some Sleep, Okay?

Angelique. Is. Not. My. Name

call me Izzy, that's what I go by.

Ps: Mental Illnesses Are Not A Trend; STOP MAKING THEM TRENDY PEOPLE. It's real fucking shit. Trust NoOne. Haha. I'm the weirdest girl y'all will ever meet.

Don't Judge Anyone/Anything Unless You Have Already Walked In There Shoes. You Know My Name, Not My Story.

I love my mom to death. She also keeps me alive. She's my world.

It's Midnight here. So just stay safe. Goodnight xx

░▒▓█▓▒░░▒▓█▓▒░

ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿

ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿ﾟ･:*✿

░▒▓█▓▒░░▒▓█▓▒░

❢◥ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◆ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◤❢

❢◥ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◆ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◤❢

.Got love4the streets and all of you. Stay Up Fam x “If Y0u Talk En0ugh S3nc3 Than Youll Lose Y0ur M!nd” #SilenceIzB3tt3rThanBullsh!t🥀

Hi idk what the fuck I'm doing? xx

Goodnight my amazing lovelies xx

Every Rose Has Its Thorn xx

You Grow Stronger Everyday xx

Izzy, shut the hell up, your being negative again xx

🖤🥀Fake Smiles All Around🥀🖤

🖤🥀It's A Very Very, Mad World🥀🖤

💛🥀Goodbye Reality, Welcome To Dreamland🥀💛

💛🥀Would Y'all Shut Up, Your Disrupting My Train Of Thought🥀💛

🦋🖤Go To Sleep Izzy, Try Again In The Morning🖤🦋

God Is Good, Amen!

Pray For Me, My Love

I Miss You Anthony, My AngelEyez

I Miss You Izzy, Your Not You Anymore

R.I.P xx _ xx Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez xx_xx She's Not Dead Physically.

__Let's Have A Minute In Silence, For The Addict That's Still Suffering__

🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀🥀

❢◥ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◆ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◤❢

❢◥ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◆ ▬▬▬▬▬▬ ◤❢

L0ADiiNG;

██████████████]99%

System Malfunction; Errors: Brain Possession, Sanity Loss, Mind Damage, Overthinking, Too High Maintenance, Loss Of One's Mind, and Killing Of OnesSelf Slowly.

ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•

ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡

࿇ ══━━━━✥◈✥━━━━══ ࿇

࿇ ══━━━━✥◈✥━━━━══ ࿇

ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•ﾟ･*☆¸¸.•*¨*•

ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡ﾟ･*:.｡*:ﾟ･♡

🖤🥀Updated A Lil Part Of My Life Story Summerized🥀🖤

.♪★I am a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, on Step One &10 MonthsClean.

♪★My deceased father tortured me since I was 4 (I fought back at age 9, when my dad's torture got worse, (on multiple occasions on our he injection me with Meth and Heroin (inside a parked car at Carl's Jr

♪★now I've been homeless 13 times

♪★I rose a 9 year old kid (now 14 years old) named Anthony Castillo-Martinez, he was In an abusive foster home (the same one I was in), so me and my motel roommate and ex girlfriend of One Year. Kimberly Marie-Olivarez took him in

♪★I was mentally unstable and unfit so CPS took him away, (under Kimberly's false accusations that I "gave him drugs")

♪★im known for police, fire department, AMR, sherriffs etc.

♪★Jeremy Baraz & Ismhael Baraz, got shot && I saw the entire thing , and I almost got killed as well

♪★I was Prostituting/got sold, got drugged up and abused for money for us (To raise Anthony, and have a hotel for me Kim and him to live) and she killed herself (right in front of me and I tried to st0p her, but I was to late

♪★ I've been raped by my drug dealers which also drugged me up.people on the streets, Kimberly && many more)

♪★I was in Foster Care a couple times, ×°the 2nd time i was in abusive/Drug addicts, Angela and Jimmy Miller (they tortured, force fed, raped, abused, but me, drugged me up, had multiple people (over 40 a day) come in an rape me one by one

x°first a foster called GHS with staff instead of parents

x° and with Lisa (who was like a grandma to me but she passed away later on so I moved , later finding out that she attempted suicide)

♪★I’ve been in 215 mental hospitals (ETS, Loma Linda, Arrowhead, Cedars Cienai, San Bernardino Community, Delamo, The Willows "CRC", Auoura Charter Oaks, Auoura Las Encinas, UCI, Canyon Ridge, Kaiser, Kaiser Sunset, College Hospital)

♪★lock down treatment centers,1in Utah called Copper Hills Youth Center, ♪★multiple treatment centers

crisis centers (Crisis Stabelization Unit a 24 hour crisis center [CSU] over 80 times)

♪★2 week mental health and drug/alcohol programs (STAY Program (2x), Jumpstreet, Excelsior House, Rancho West, and Telecare Lagos...2x each)

♪★group homes (Rancho Domocitas), ♪★Boarding Cares (Golden Girls, a SSI paid house of all girls)

♪★rehabs (Cedar House 2x, CHYC, and multiple others)

♪★shelters (House of Miracles, Lutheran Mission, Set Free Ranch, Path Of Life, and many otherz)

♪★the streets (13 times homeless/on the streets, LA, OC, Menifee, Riverside, Murrietta, Mission Viejo, Corona, irvine and San Bernardino)

♪★been in car accidents (over 10 times)

♪★i have anger issues (extremely bad), been kicked out of multiple schools since 7th grade

♪★I’ve attempted suicide over 50 to 100 times

♪★I’ve self harmed on multiple occasions (in all kinds of different methods)

♪★I have bipolar (manic depressive disorder type 1 mixed episode).

♪★depression (major depressive disorder).

♪★paranioa.

♪★anxiety.

♪★Buliemia.

♪★insomnia.

♪★Dissociative Identity Fued.

♪★skitzoaffective (extreme skitzophrenia && bipolar mixed) ♪★PTSD.

♪★ocd.

♪★attachment disorder.

♪★Autism.

♪★borderline personality.

♪★amnesia.

♪★multiple personality disorder. ♪★anorexia.

♪★&&..i helped the homeless and people In hospitals (I help everyone way toooo much)

♪★been 0n all mental Health medication (I mean ALL)

♪★ People Tried To Send

Me To Metropolitan State Hospital(highest level of Care)

♪★IMD (Institution For The Mentally Diseased) on multiple occasions

♪★ive been to many therapists, physciatrists, ER's, and been on 51/50, 52/50 holds , concervertaship

♪★and lastly ive got taken away from my mom on four occasions (personal reasons)

♪★I’ve never had a stable home since 2011, now on Augest of 2018 I’m finally home

♪★I help others cus im used to people not caring about me

♪★I have trust issues, im always there to help to care to make sure there OK.

[800-dick-pics]

White wlw you have let me down, and will sadly continue to do so

durring the past few months ive really woken up and seen how much white wlw are quick and ready to throw both cishet and lgbt black and brown women under the bus, so ready to believe that they are not coming from a racist place, so ready to ignore our pleads of help and our demands for better treatment

recently i left my ex girlfriend because i saw/felt that she was not treating me / giving me the same quality of attention as her white partners, and that i wasnt being included in her life like her white partners were. I was being called “wife” but i didnt feel like i was getting the treatment a wife was susposed to get. I felt like a token and a diversity quota for her larger that humanly sustainable polycule.  when i did bring it up to her wrote tons about how i felt and what i was seeing/feeling 

“[...]I feel like the space i take up in your life is smaller than i would like it to be and it hurts

 It hurts when we havent talked in a long while but i still see you interacting with your other partners and/or going on tinder dates, I feel like the level of care attention interaction/ love you give to your other partners or other people who are mainly white is a lot more than i feel than i get from you 

I just want to do more coupley relationship things with u, and i understand like im far away but we still dont discord/rabbit or like talk in general a whole hell of a lot, and it really just makes me feel like “ just some thing to be had and called “wife” bc you dont have a black one yet”

When i see all the other parters who get called wife getting the attention i wish i had from you i just makes the hurt feel even more intense bc i know its not distance bc you date people from all over it just really makes me feel like its my blackness that makes you give me less than what your other partners get 

Even if youre not doing that conciously, i still can see and feel the differnce between the level of care interaction attention and overall energy you give to white partners vs me, this may not be something you can clearly see and feel but i can see a herierchy even if its an unintenttional  subconscious one Reguardless of your intent id really like to be/feel like im more to you/your life[...]” this was only a portion of what i wrote but really conveys the other side of the coin of racism from white wlw, because even after i brought this up to her nothing changed, and then i decided i was going to leave because I realized i dont have to endure racism/racist treatment in a realtionship. and when i did finally have the courage to tell her how i feel again a very important thing i included was 

“My self censorship around white people is very real and i realize that i've been not expressing how i fully feel for fear of making u upset/addressing race and like I felt / feel like a token bc i see all the very visible appreciation you give to white partners,It makes me feel and known im loved and appreciate when its visible, and i see how visible it is/has been for your white partners, tinder dates and tumblr fans.I don't wanna feel hidden from your lifeI've felt very hidden with my white partners just in general, felt very kept away from their families, friends, and other relationships, and seeing that unfold in front of my eyes again is very painful,I feel like an outsider to your “group” (friends/partners). Just like you have to actively go out of your way to unlearn your racism and anti blackness you have to go out of your way to active make sure your black partner is getting attention and is feeling included in your life/community/world and i have not felt as included in these things as i feel like your white partners are.It's heartbreaking when i see the patterns over and over of you treating me differently than your white partners, heartbreaking when i feel ignored and excluded from your life while you are on a tinder date or flirting with ppl on tumblr and i can't get a “hey babe how ru?have you eaten today?” I'm not even getting the bare minimum,I get less, less time, interaction, less you, i feel like get a censored cut off dollar tree version of Franziska” but her response was saddening and just gave me a smack in the heart, i realized that white wlw arent going to unlearn their racism for their partners (friends and fuck buddies) when we address it , that if we (black and brown wlw) advocate for ourselves and treatment we will be ignored it hurt more that she didnt want to accept what she was/is/has been doing is racist, that she didnt want to make her only black partner more included in her life, that she wasnt going to unlearn the racism/race dynamics that made me a “second class” partner than the hurt of actually breaking up with her ive been through this many times before of white women esp white wlw who have excluded me from parts of themselves their lives and community but expect me to be ok isolated while also being an open book

white women have excluded me from friend groups and social circles, have stopped their niceness when i speak up for myself, have given up on working on relationships bc it involves changing their behavior, have denied me medical access when i needed it the most, have bullied me for my body, my blackness and my culture  my bestfriend is white and shes let me down too, just like ive been let down by white past friends and partners, just like im being let down by racist white wlw and lgbt folks

ive learned to accept that white (ppl) women letting me down is something i will face for a life time, that being lesbian bi trans queer doesnt change how whiteness interacts with blackness, that i will always be the bad guy in a white womans story or her fetish or her item to fawn over  ive learned that asking for basic treatment and for white women to unlearn their racism while changing their behavior is too much to ask for  white wlw yall have let me down, and continue to do so

weather is outcasting and overly criticizing black n brown wlw esp if theyre trans, only boosting white wlws donation posts, forgetting you still can hurt us and not realize it, mocking features found on woc esp since yall get real transmisogy/noiristic real quick an just by ignoring the struggles we face because we are people of color and gay!!!!

[this post is not for reblogging, do not ask me personal questions about my past relationships thank you]

[pamphletstoinspire]

The Death Penalty and the Myth of Closure

Many argue that the death penalty can help survivors move on with their lives. However, this counselor writes that true healing can happen only when we learn to "walk with the pain."

The death penalty has been with us for millennia. If you take the time to read the Old Testament, you will find that the death penalty was widely accepted. We find in the words of Exodus the justification invoked to this day to defend the use of executions: “You shall give life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, stripe for stripe” (21:23–25).

This is known as Mosaic law and is an integral part of our legal system. And yet Jesus came to challenge it: “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, offer no resistance to one who is evil. When someone strikes you on [your] right cheek, turn the other one to him as well” (Mt 5:38–39).

What a truly radical notion! In the Old Testament, one sees that violence was a way of life, and execution was a primary tool for meting out justice. But Jesus sweeps that all away.

As with many things Jesus said, excuses have been made and qualifiers added: Love your enemy . . . except when he is a murderer. Then you are justified to kill him, a conclusion that sounds very much like Mosaic law.

Desire for Vengeance Is Real

On the other hand, even if we accept Jesus’ teaching, turning the other cheek is not that simple. I can’t simply say, “Well, Patterson, you claim to be a Christian, so you must love your enemy and oppose the death penalty.” I also understand the desire for vengeance.

Some years ago when I was an Army psychologist, I was tasked with evaluating a man arrested for beating his 3-month-old stepdaughter within an inch of her life on Christmas Eve. It had already been determined that the child suffered irreversible brain damage. As I was interviewing the man, I received a call from the pediatric ICU informing me she had also been blinded. I hung up and told this man that news. He shrugged his shoulders and said, “Oh, well.”

In that moment, I wanted to jump across my desk, grab him by the throat, and beat him within an inch of his life! As I think about him almost 40 years later, I have the same feeling. I am not proud of that, but it also helps me to be sensitive to the feelings of survivors when it comes to discussions of the death penalty. It reminds me to be sensitive to survivors’ need for justice and, possibly, vengeance.

Many justifications for executions set aside the language of Mosaic law and focus on possible benefits for the surviving family. One doesn’t so much hear the word vengeance in such discussions, but one does hear the word closure. A common justification for the death penalty is that it provides closure for the family.

When Boston Marathon bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev was sentenced to death, the mayor of Boston expressed the hope that “this verdict provides a small amount of closure.” Similarly, when the decision was made to allow survivors of the Oklahoma City bombing to witness the execution of Timothy McVeigh, Attorney General John Ashcroft stated that he hoped the execution would help survivors “meet their need to close this chapter in their lives.”

Whether executions provide closure depends on what we mean by that word. For most of us, closure implies a completion or conclusion. When a corporation announces store closures, that means those stores are no longer operational. So, in discussing the process of grief and trauma, closure would seem to imply a conclusion—the suggestion that there is an end point to grieving.

This expectation of closure is sometimes supported within a person’s social network. At this time, I am counseling several parents of children who committed suicide. All have commented on encountering, either directly or indirectly, the message “Aren’t you over it by now?”

Think for a moment of the people in your life you have lost. Are you no longer grieving? If I think of loved ones who are gone, I become aware that I may be grieving those losses for the rest of my days. My grief may not be as intense as it was at the time of the loss. But reminders of someone’s absence in my life help me see that grief goes on, that there is no closure in the sense of conclusion to my grief. There’s no point at which I dust myself off and say, “OK, I’m done missing that person.”

The Myth of Closure

In her book Closure: The Rush to End Grief and What It Costs Us, Professor Nancy Berns makes the compelling argument that the concept of closure has emerged within a political context to justify the death penalty and as a “made-up concept: a frame used to explain how we respond to loss.” It has become such a common word in discussions about grief that people assume it exists and is within their reach. In fact, its prevalence reflects the hope we all have that we can heal from the devastation of tragedy and trauma.

For some, closure means the conclusion to a very public process of crime, arrest, trial, and multiple appeals. Anecdotal evidence suggests that indeed the execution provides that sense of closure. But the word closure also implies healing and completion. Evidence suggests that not only does the death penalty not facilitate healing but, in fact, may interfere with it.

In his 2007 study of families of murder victims, Scott Velum found that only 2.5 percent indicated a strong sense of closure resulted from the execution of the murderer. A study published in the Marquette Law Review compared survivors’ reactions in Minnesota and Texas. Killers in Minnesota were sentenced to life imprisonment, an outcome that was experienced as satisfying by survivors. Texas survivors were less satisfied by death penalty verdicts, in large part because of the prolonged appeals process.

As Bill and Denise Richards, parents of a 9-year-old boy killed in the Boston Marathon bombings, wrote in the Boston Globe, asking that the government not seek the death penalty, “The continued pursuit of that punishment could bring years of appeals and prolong the most painful day of our lives.”

Jody Madeira worked with and studied survivors of the Oklahoma City bombings. In her book Killing McVeigh: The Death Penalty and the Myth of Closure, she noted that Timothy McVeigh’s execution did not provide the kind of closure some survivors may have hoped for. As one survivor noted, “There won’t be closure till I am dead.”

The Path to Healing

Are survivors then simply left in anguish, or is some form of healing possible? Perhaps rather than talking about closure, we should be talking about healing.

Sociologist Loren Toussaint suggests that healing is possible through the process of forgiveness. Madeira agrees that forgiveness can help but argues that it is not the only path to healing. This is a delicate topic that must be approached carefully and without judgment. Forgiveness can indeed help survivors heal, but it isn’t that simple. Forgiveness is a process, one that can last a lifetime.

First, let’s be clear on what forgiveness isn’t. Forgiveness does not mean condoning—a distinction relevant to people dealing with someone on death row. Forgiveness does not minimize what was done. The bombings in Boston will never be acceptable. The 9/11 attacks can never be dismissed in terms of the personal trauma. The murder of a loved one will never be OK. After all, the God of my understanding is indeed a God of mercy, but also a God of justice.

Then there is the common phrase forgive and forget. Not only is that often not possible, but in some cases it’s not a good idea. If someone has assaulted me, I may need to forgive that person, but it may not be a good idea for me to invite him or her over for dinner. That person may have no remorse and might assault me again.

The first step in forgiving is making the decision to forgive. The important thing to realize in making this decision is that the person who will benefit most from forgiving is the forgiver. Forgiving frees the forgiver from all the negative venom of hatred and resentment. Essentially, to forgive is to reclaim power from the forgiven. Professor Madeira quotes Oklahoma City bombing survivor Bud Welch as saying about forgiving Timothy McVeigh: “I was the one that got relief from all this pain . . . and it wasn’t about McVeigh.”

Sometimes we confuse forgiveness with reconnecting with someone in a loving way. That reconnecting is a decision that I may make after I have forgiven. I also have the option of not having the offender in my life. In other words, to forgive doesn’t necessarily mean to reconcile with someone.

To forgive means I also have to face all my rage and anger, all my thoughts of vengeance. We can’t sidestep the emotions. I have sat with some people who experienced tragedy or trauma and afterwards stated, rather flatly, “I’ve forgiven that person,” without any acknowledgment of the pain inflicted by that person. This to me is an intellectual exercise, not an experience of true forgiveness.

Learning to Walk with the Pain

In exploring alternatives to the prevalent concept of closure, we also need to broaden our understanding of grief. The concept of closure may have its roots in Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ famous five stages of dying. That theory has been broadened to include grief. The fifth stage is acceptance. Like closure, this notion has many meanings.

What does it mean to accept the death of a loved one? Again, some kind of finality is suggested, a sort of conclusion to the grieving. I have sat with persons who judged themselves because they did not feel they were finished grieving. Others had well-meaning friends and relatives suggest they should be “over it by now” or that they hadn’t “accepted” the death because they were still grieving.

Over the years I have dealt with many people who came to see me because someone else was concerned about them or, more often, because they themselves questioned whether they were grieving correctly.

I recall one beautiful woman who came to see me after the death of her husband of 50-plus years. She was concerned whether she was grieving correctly. She stated that well-meaning friends had given her a stack of books on grieving. Not wanting to disappoint anyone, she read them all. When I asked what she thought after all that reading, she told me: “I’m completely confused. They contradict one another.”

So what did I do? I gave her a book to read! Only it wasn’t an edition of Grieving for Dummies. It was C.S. Lewis’ A Grief Observed, his journal written the first year after the death of his beloved wife, Joy. The book has no easy answers, and, at its conclusion, it is clear that Lewis will continue to grieve. There is no nice, clean ending. No closure. Only Lewis trying to learn to walk with the pain.

In dealing with losses in my own life, what works for me is to view grieving as a process of learning to walk with the pain. This suggests that, because of a particular loss, my life is changed forever. I am challenged to find a way to move forward living my life as well as possible while at the same time carrying the loss. This is especially true for those who’ve lost a loved one through some criminal act, be it murder or terrorism.

To learn to walk with the pain has several facets. One is to make the decision not to let the trauma define the loved one’s life. It is to affirm that I will not be known as the parent of that girl or boy who was murdered. Rather, I will be known as the parent of a child who touched lives in a beautiful way before leaving life much too soon.

Another facet of walking with the pain is to facilitate the loved one’s legacy. Such legacies may take the form of charitable donations or even the establishment of a charity. Others might establish a scholarship fund. Some get tattoos or plant trees. Such actions don’t make pain go away, but they create a legacy that has some meaning.

For me, acceptance means acknowledging that life is now different, and that I will be walking with this pain until I meet my loved one again in a better place. That may be the only real closure.

By Richard B. Patterson, PhD

[xxkaonashio1xx]

Today was a really bad day...

I needed to be up early, to get to my mom's by 850-9. But I couldnt sleep the night before, so when I finally did go to sleep, I didnt want to wake up. I go to mcdonalds like I do every single day, get a coke. Soon as I drive away from the window, I drop it. All. Over. Myself. I was pissed. I got to my moms at 930. Woke her up and bam... She was in a bad mood.

Got an email, that totally pissed me off...

Got an update saying my phone was going to get shut off... Pissed me off.

Got a bad phone call... Pissed me the fuck off.

I broke down.. In fucking tears. Over thinking, panic attacks like crazy. Then I leave to go to my boyfriend's, just so we can take a nap together... That was the best thing I had heard all fucking day.

Get in my car. Check engine light comes on... Dont know why.

Then I get on the expressway, gas light comes on. Get off to get gas... They are packed. I'm still crying from before, in house shoes, and sweat pants and an over sized hoodie... If I go in there I'll choke the fuck outta someone.

So I call my boyfriend, ask how many miles he thinks I should have so I dont run out of gas. Finally get to this small gas station, where noone ever is, [thank god] and I get gas. Without being bothered.

The absolute worst fucking thing about depression and anxiety is that you cant help when it comes up. On the way to my boyfriend's house I was pleading in my head "dont ask me if I'm ok". Because as soon as he asks me that, I will explode into tears... Like ugly cry. My luck his dad and sister would be there to see it all too.

Writing helps me alot... I can never tell people how I am feeling when put on the spot. But I will text it to you, or write it in a letter all damn day.

One thing that has been bothering me alot lately, is that I am no where in life. By 24, I see my friends doing all this cool shit, and having babies, married.. Whatever. Im over here working two jobs, trying to get by, not enough hours, not enough pay. Can't pay all my bills, don't have money to get me through the week, no money for my doctors visits, or medications... Its embarrassing too. I use to have two amazing jobs, would have enough money for all of my shit, I was independent, didn't have no worries... I was good.

Another thing, and I know it shouldn't bother me... But it fucking kills me... Is my dad. I dont know my dad like I should, I dont see him, hes not around anymore. He moved an hour away to be with this woman who I can not fucking stand... And her 4 ungreatful children. Theres so much I would love to say to him... So many hurtful words, but I know that as I speak those words to him, I would cry. He doesnt deserve to see the pain I have from him... Not like that.

My boyfriend helps me so much... And I don't tell him enough how much he helps. Just letting me come over to his house everyday... It gets me up, and moving and I feel better. I can breathe better (literally). I am stress free around him... It's only been almost 4 months but it feels like a long time. Ive known him since 4th grade, we lost track of each other, and after I moved home from my divorce in 2016, we found each other again. Talked as friends until 2018, we've been crazy about each other ever since. He gave me a ring on the bus in 4th grade, and I still to this day, have that thing. Ive moved 16 times in my whole life, and never lost it. Now it all makes sense. I realized that he was the one my heart was waiting for... The ring is a proven fact, I held onto it for years. 💜

Even just talking about him... He makes me feel better. Ive never had that before.